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Today is Thursday, June 9

Have FUN!

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Today's International Bonehead Award: Irish jockey gets drunk, steals car and crashes into the woman he's going to meet for their first date, at 87 mph. Gets 21 months in jail. Details at Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, June 9, in 1534 Jacques Cartier became the first to sail into the river he named Saint Lawrence. More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. --- Marquis de la Grange The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. --- Shana Alexander _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Jean is a very nervous flyer. During a trip with AA lately it didn't help that her connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after they were aloft, Jean noticed the lights began flickering. She mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," the elderly stewardess said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
http://webby.com/mac.html With THIS LINK you get 50% off!
Check out the 4 top versions at http://webby.com/mac There is one that even protects your phones, not just computers and tablets!
As a professional clown, John entertains groups at parties and company picnics. Once, an inebriated guest began heckling him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act. Trying to ignore him wasn't working, so he used a different tactic. Slipping his arm around his shoulder, John looked him in the eye and said, "Mister, I get paid to dress up and make a fool of myself - what's your excuse?" ______________________________________________________ A housewife with four young daughters was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her next older sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon." "Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here, but those girls think the phone goes one way only!" ______________________________________________________ Gender neutral Bathroom, West Virginia ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Irish jockey gets drunk, steals car and crashes into the woman he's going to meet for their first date at 87 mph. Gets 21 months in jail. Trevor Woodside, 33, Castleview, Killyleagh, Ireland Trevor Woodside (33), was told by a judge at Downpatrick Crown Court, sitting in Newtownards, that it was an "appalling piece of driving'' which had left his victim with "significant long term injuries" both physically and psychologically sick when she discovered who the driver of the other vehicle was. Following the head-on collision, the court heard, the Volkswagen Golf of the victim spun around on the road before careering down a bank and into trees. Such was the force of the impact that the engine of VW Golf car was dislodged onto the road. The driver of the stolen black mercedes was Trevor Woodside and the female driver of the Volkswagen had been on her way to meet him. He was conscious and was complaining of a back injury. He had been drinking and he had no licence,'' said Mr Magee. The court also heard that when the car was examined, the speedometer of the Mercedes car was "frozen''at a speed of between 75-80 mph. The driver of the Volkswagen Golf was knocked unconscious. She was freed from the vehicle and taken to hospital. She underwent open surgery to address her right foot and had a plate inserted. She also sustained an injury to her chest and had a drain inserted into her chest. She had skin grafts to her foot and further surgery will be required to her foot. She spent two weeks in hospital. More at Belfast telegraph ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Mina RE: When you can't use email Dear Webby, I hope you don't mind too much if I write you even though I know my computer is infected. I know you are properly protected. My computer came with what I thought was good anti virus utilities, but even though it is only a few months old and has updated the virus stuff regularly, it got infected anyway. I need to write to my dad to come and clean it up for me and install better virus protection, but I don't dare writing him from an infected computer. I can't call him at work, and at home he's always on-line and I can't call him there either. What else can I do ? Mina Dear Mina Dear Mina Just send him a nice Internet post card ! Go to http://angelwinks.net, pick out a nice Father's Day card or any of the thousands of free postcards, and send it to him. You can tell him about the virus problem on that card, or tell him another card will follow and write about it in that one. Internet Postcards are perfectly safe. They can not transfer anything more malicious than bad spelling. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep, who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore weird and unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd figure it was my sister's date. They are all weird." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recipe: Mango Lime Bars By attosa [210 Posts, 494 Comments] It's mango season! I keep bumping into mango sales so I thought it's time to come up with something new. These mango lime bars are a lot like lemon bars, but less gooey, more pillowy, and of course, more mango-y! The base is a butter shortbread that will melt in your mouth, but still hold up the custardy topping. You will love these. If you prefer super tart, go with two limes instead of one; the consistency will still hold up. Approximate Time: 45 minutes Yield: 16 barsMango Lime Bars Ingredients: Crust 1 1/4 cup all purpose flour 1/4 tsp salt 1/4 cup sugar 1/3 cup cold butter, cut into little squares Filling 3/4 cup sugar 3 Tbsp all purpose flour 2 large eggs 2 large mangoes 1 medium lime (2 if you like tart) 2 Tbsp powdered sugar (optional, for top) Steps: Preheat oven to 350 F. Lightly grease a 9x9" baking dish. (I've been successful with other sizes and pan types making bars). In a bowl, combine flour, salt, and sugar. Mix well. Cut the cold little squares of butter into the flour mixture. I just quickly squeeze them by hand until the consistency is like coarse sand. You could also use a food processor or two knives. Mango Lime BarsMango Lime Bars Dump into prepared baking dish and press firmly into an even layer. Bake for about 15 minutes at 350 F, until set at the edges. While the crust is baking, prepare the mango lime top. Peel and pit the mangoes and puree in a blender or food processor. In a bowl, whisk together sugar and flour. Beat in the eggs. Zest your lime(s) into the egg mixture, then squeeze in its juice. Mango Lime BarsMango Lime Bars Add mango puree. Mix well. Pour the mango lime filling over the hot crust when it's done baking. Spread evenly. Return baking dish to the 350 F oven and bake for 20-25 minutes, until the filling is set. Cool complete. Dust with powdered sugar, if desired. Cut into bars. Store bars in refrigerator. ______________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
_____________________________________________________ A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk. ___________________________________________________
A beautiful trip
____________________________________________________ Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that didn't stop him from treatin' Slash special from time to time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf. The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?" Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow." The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair." "Don't matter," said Slash, "if this meatloaf can't kill me, nothin' can." ____________________________________________________ During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this dime into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No sir," one student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because if it would, you would have asked for MY dime before you dropped it in." ____________________________________________________
Playing with bubbles.world.

Today on June 9
1064 Coimbra, Portugal fell to Ferdinand, the King of
1534 Jacques Cartier became the first to sail into the
river he named Saint Lawrence.
1790 Civil war broke out in Martinique.
1923 Bulgaria’s government was overthrown by the
1934 Donald Duck made his debut in the Silly Symphonies 
 cartoon "The Wise Little Hen."
1940 Norway surrendered to the Nazis during World War
1945 Japanese Premier Kantaro Suzuki declared that Japan
 would fight to the last rather than accept
unconditional surrender.
1959 The first ballistic missile carrying submarine, the
 USS George Washington, was launched.
1978 Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
 Saints struck down a 148-year-old policy of excluding 
 black men from the Mormon priesthood.
1985 Thomas Sutherland, an American educator, was
kidnapped in Lebanon. He was not released until November
1986 The Rogers Commission released a report on the
Challenger disaster. The report explained that the
spacecraft blew up as a result of a failure in a solid
rocket booster joint. Few engineers beieved that BS.
1999 NATO and Yugoslavia signed a peace agreement over
2000 Canada and the United States signed a border
security agreement. The agreement called for the
establishment of a joint border-enforcement team.
2016  smiled.

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