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Good Morning, ,

Today is Thursday, October 27

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Drunken woman found with handcuffs, guns 
after wrong-way crash on I-4 in Florida
Details at Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, October 27, in 
1659 William Robinson and Marmaduke Stevenson became the
first Quakers to be executed in America. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. --- Edmund Wilson (1895 - 1972) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to? ______________________________________________________ 2017 Launch Flash Sale MTP $29.99 ______________________________________________________ Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them. Alas, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. She putt-putted all the way home, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly,"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she had peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was really surprised!! There were twelve rather green faced dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!! ______________________________________________________ Fall in Washington, State From FB ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angela Sammons, 32, Maitland, Floriduh Drunken woman found with handcuffs, guns after wrong-way crash on I-4 A 32-year-old woman was arrested Saturday on DUI charges after she drove the wrong way on Interstate 4 in Maitland and crashed into a barrier, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. FHP said in an arrest report that it received about 13 calls to 911 about the driver, who was going west on I-4 East. Troopers said when they approached the crashed car, Angela Sammons got out of the sedan without shoes, and that when a trooper handed Sammons her shoes she put them on the wrong feet. The FHP report stated Sammons was stumbling and staggering on her feet, and did not know where she was or where she was driving to. Sammons was placed in the back of a patrol car, where she fell asleep, troopers said. FHP said when a trooper woke Sammons up and asked her if she was OK, she slurred her words and said she was tired and wanted to go home. Troopers said Sammons refused a field sobriety and Breathalyzer tests. Channel 9 found out that Sammons was an officer for the Division of Alcoholic Beverages and Tobacco. The state said Sammons voluntarily left her position last year. Troopers said they found multiple Florida driverís licenses in her purse, and loaded guns and handcuffs in her car. Sammons was booked into the Orange County Jail on charges of driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, involving a vehicle crash, FHP said. Her bail was set at $500. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Janice Re: Color question Dear Webby, I have been told a few times that my sense of color is barbaric, with clothes too, but mostly with my web pages. Some people suggested I take some time and study up on colors. I have taken a course on color at the community college a few years ago, and I have a hunch, that is where my problem with colors started. Well, I'm still willing to study, but where do I find good info on that topic? Thanks Janice Dear Janice Try Color Matters at colormatters.com/ That site has a lot of information about color, a bulletin board where you can ask questions, and a good reference library for deeper study. Have FUN! DearWebby A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around smart people."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ridding Your Kitchen of Fruit Flies By EllenB [805 Posts, 1 Comment] An Easy Fruit Fly Trap After removing all potential sources for feeding and breeding, use this trap to take care of any remaining adult flies. Fill one or more small jars with 1 inch of beer, wine, or Apple Cider Vinegar (not white vinegar). This fermenting liquid is your "bait". Place a plastic sandwich bag over the mouth of the jar, so that one corner reaches down into the jar just above the "bait" (you're creating a funnel). Poke a small, 1/8 inch hole in the corner of the bag with the tip of a pencil. Secure the bag around the rim of the jar with a rubber band. Place the jars around your kitchen or near your problem plants. Since you've already taken away their food supply and breeding grounds, the fruit flies will be searching for more. The "bait" will attract the fruit flies to the traps. They'll enter through the hole in the bottom of the funnel, and not be able to get out.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
dog loves the leaves
____________________________________________________ Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The guy at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'" The man, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'" ____________________________________________________ A classic that came back to me from Noah A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him tobacco." "A ha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!" "You are talkin' to him," said the farmer. ____________________________________________________
The rare and elusive Spirit bear.
____________________________________________________
Today on October 27 in
1659 William Robinson and Marmaduke Stevenson became the
first Quakers to be executed in America. 

1787 The first of the Federalist Papers were published in the
New York Independent. The series of 85 essays, written by
Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay, were
published under the pen name "Publius." 

1795 The United States and Spain signed the Treaty of San
Lorenzo. The treaty is also known as "Pinckney's Treaty." 

1858 Roland Macy opened Macy's Department Store in New York
City. It was Macy's eighth business adventure, the other
seven failed. 

1878 The Manhattan Savings Bank in New York City was robbed
of over $3,000,000. The robbery was credited to George
"Western" Leslie even though there was not enough evidence to
convict him, only two of his associates were convicted. 

1904 The New York subway system officially opened. It was the
first rapid-transit subway system in America. 

1925 Fred Waller received a patent for water skis. 

1927 The first newsreel featuring sound was released in New
York. 

1931 Chuhei Numbu of Japan set a long jump record at 26' 2
1/4". 

1938 Du Pont announced "nylon" as the new name for its new
synthetic yarn. 

1947 "You Bet Your Life," the radio show starring Groucho
Marx, premiered on ABC. It was later shown on NBC television.


1954 Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were divorced. They had
been married on January 14, 1954. 

1954 The first Walt Disney television show "Disneyland"
premiered on ABC. 

1962 The Soviet Union adds to the Cuban Missile Crisis by
calling for the dismantling of U.S. missile bases in Turkey.
U.S. President Kennedy agreed to the new aspect of the
agreement. 

1978 Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and Israeli Prime
Minister Menachem Begin were named winners of the Nobel Peace
Prize for their progress toward achieving a Middle East
accord. 

1994 The U.S. Justice Department announced that the U.S.
prison population had exceeded one million for the first time
in American history. 

1997 The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 554.26 points.
The stock market was shut down for the first time since the
1981 assassination attempt on U.S. President Reagan. 

2002 Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva was elected president of
Brazil in a runoff. He was the country's first elected
leftist leader. 

2016  smiled.


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