How to find your CPU speed 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, March 1

Thanks to Rita for this link to the 1960 hit song about the
native couple at Lake Stupid in yesterdays Humor Letter:

I just realized that six years ago on February 28 I stopped
smoking, and on February 28 I had total heart failure.
Rockyview hospital totally misdiagnosed it, prescribed a ton
of medication for COPD, penumonia, and all kinds of weird
stuff, and sent me home at 8PM.

I did not believe them. None of that stuff happens all of a
sudden while standing at a counter at the bank.
So I got Barb, who was still my secretary then, to drive me
to the local hospital. There an older doctor, who acted more
like a country vet and instantly got my respect, didnčt
believe the diagnosis of the big Rockyview hospital either. 
He injected me with some lasix, the stuff they give race
horses to make them dump any urin, that might be showing

Well, in an hour I filled 5 gallon jugs. So the good doctor
said: You dončt have COPD. You are just an ornery old coot
refusing to die from heart failure. Dont worry, we can fix
your heart.

So he got the EMTs to strap me to a bright yellow fiberglass
high tech gourney, scoot me out to a waiting ambulance and
bring me to Foothills hospital. There they injected me with
some radioactive stuff and made a movie of the blood flow,
while they stood well back.

You got total heart failure and the heart is pumping into
your lungs instead of out of them. We can fix that. Do you
want it fixed now or do you want to think about it?

Dumb question! Fix it!

So they came with a bunch of papers. I was too far gone to
be able to read any of the stuff on it, but I assumed it was
promising not to sue them if I croaked during the

The cute nurse helpfully pointed to a spot, where I was
supposed to sign.


If they can ask dumb questions, I can give dumb replies.
Then she asked me who to contact if something went wrong.
Now THAT is a really dumb question to ask the publisher of
the worlds best Humor Letter.

A good doctor.

After that she gave up on the dumb questions and they got
busy installing a bunch of stents. One assistant clad like a
nuclear powerplant repairman shoved something that looked
like a flexible shaft carving tool into my thigh, and some
guy about 30 feet away and ten feet up in a heavy lead glass
control room operated the flexible shaft, directed it to
exactly where the blockages were, bulldozed them clear and
installed stents.
It was not painful at all, and interesting to watch.
Then she pulled out the flexible shaft operating center 
and put her fist and her weight onto the hole where that
flex had been.

My heart started working right and so of course I told her
that even with all that nuclear armor she was still looking
great and thanked her for fixing my heart. 

After that they brought me to Rockyview, where they pumped
me so full of Lasix that my heels and foot corners split, to
help empty the lungs of fluid. They should have done that
when I first got there, and they were trying to make up for
The next day Barb brought me my laptop, but the sniveling
ninnies there did not give me the WiFi password until two
days later. Two days after that they let me go home.

I still had to remain upright and sleep on the couch,
because there was still blood in the lungs and not enough
room for air, but that got better soon. Dianne, who at that
time was sending the daily link, sent me a simple pedal
exercise machine, and after a week I was going for the daily
walks, that I SHOULD have been going on all along.

You better go on some walks too! Go do the sampling at
Costco, or go to Walmart taking pictures of Walmartians, or
whatever. But go onto some walks. 

Noella got a treadmill and got Netflix set up on a spare
monitor in front of it. With a good movie she can walk 15

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Fort Myers burglar got tenderized by home owner
Details at  Boneheads
Today, March 1 in
1498 Vasco de Gama landed at what is now Mozambique on his way to India. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. --- Mae West "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." --- Wendell Johnson Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack. --- Richter cartoon caption Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. --- Thomas Jones (1892 - 1969) ---------- so I noticed! But slowly, one by one, I am outliving them. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Wendy: A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. God Bless the enlisted man. ______________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ >From Matt: How can you talk your way out of this one? Jacksonville, FL Police Dept. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. ______________________________________________________ From FB ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Josue Ortiz, 35, Fort Myers, Florida Fort Myers burglar got tenderized by home owner Brian Burch is a burglar’s worst nightmare – the Florida homeowner is not just a large, powerful man, but he also happens to be skilled in the martial art of Brazilian jiu- jitsu. Josue Ortiz chose the wrong house to break into Tuesday, Lee County deputies told WBBH. Ortiz allegedly saw the door to Burch’s garage left open and slipped in, lifting multiple tools and loading them into his vehicle. Burch said he went outside after hearing a noise and confronted Ortiz, who he said was holding his jackhammer and airgun cases. “He told me that the boss sent him over here to pick up tools to finish a job,” Burch recalled Ortiz saying. When Burch started questioning his explanation, Ortiz tried to take off running, but failed to slip out of the jiu-jitsu student’s grasp. “Once we got to the ground, he started pushing and fighting me, and I hit him one time,” Burch said. “If the kids had been here, I probably would have been even angrier.” Ortiz suffered a broken nose, swollen lip and black eye in the altercation, according to WBBH. A neighbor called 911, and Burch held Ortiz on the ground until authorities arrived. Deputies arrested Ortiz on charges of burglary and grand theft and booked him into Lee County jail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bill Re: CPU speed Dear Webby I need to know the basic CPU speed of my computer. Thanks Bill Dear Bill Just download the Belarc Advisor from .html It will do a complete inventory of what is in your machine and make a nice, printable report. It is a very good idea to print that out before bringing the machine to repair places, and also for insurance purposes. That report lists EVERYTHING. Not just CPU, but even graphics and sound. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to LadyDi for this story: SUNDAY SCHOOL Nine year was asked by his mother what had been taught in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, , is that really what your teacher told you?" the mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Irish Potato Chocolate Cake By Julia [10 Posts, 1 Comment] A super-moist delicious chocolate cake that will make you want to keep one on the cake plate all the time. Note the use of Self-Rising Flour in this recipe. Ingredients: 1 1/2 cups self-rising flour 2/3 cup caster (fine) sugar 4 level Tbsp. cocoa 1/2 tsp. salt 1/3 cup cooked mashed potato 1/2 cup plus 2 Tbsp. butter 4 Tbsp. milk* 2 eggs *Note: I have often substituted Bailey's Irish Creme for the milk with delightful results. Directions: Cream the butter and sugar with the mashed potato, then add the cocoa. Add the beaten eggs, alternately with the flour and the salt. Finally pour in the milk, mixing well, to make a soft dough. Well grease two 8 inch cake pans and divide batter equally between them. Bake at 350 degrees F oven for 25-30 minutes. The top will be springy to the touch when done. Cool for a few minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack. Frost with whipped cream or desired frosting. To make this cake a truly decadent chocolate dessert, frost with fudge frosting using Bailey's Irish Creme, cocoa and 10X confectioner's sugar. If you choose to use whipped cream, you can add the Bailey's Irish Cream to the heavy cream when you're beating it. Reduce any sugar and add no extra flavoring to the whipped cream. Servings: 12 Time: 30 Minutes Preparation Time 30 Minutes Cooking Time Source: My friend Linda who is from northern Ireland. By Julia (pookarina) from Boca Raton, FL
Cricket Chorus
____________________________________________________ It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!" ___________________________________________________
Girls are awesome!
On the way to the bakery I saw some kids playing "Wedding". The bride's gown was a yellow shower curtain, gathered at the waist with a piece of red garden hose, and the curtain trailing way behind her. Her veil was mosquito netting, topped by a blue cop car bubble as a tiara. The groom was attired in a grey lab coat with a charcoal black piece of truck tire innertube as a wide cummerbund belt. His coat trailed a bit too, but did not quite hide the fact that instead of to a traditional ball and chain, his leg was chained to a tricycle. The mother-in-law carried the traditional rolling pin but the father-in-law had a plastic space ray look water gun instead of the traditional shotgun. The preacher was wearing a white bath robe backwards and a trucker style cap, also backwards. Just as I was walking past them, I heard the preacher sing out: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, forever and ever. If you want to kiss the bride, you better have an attorney present."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today on March 1

1498 Vasco de Gama landed at what is now Mozambique on his
way to India. 

1562 In Vassy, France, Catholics massacred over 1,000
Huguenots. The event started the First War of Religion. 

1692 In Salem Village, in the Massachusetts Bay Colony, the
Salem witch trials began. Four women were the first to be

1781 In America, the Continental Congress adopted the
Articles of Confederation. 

1784 In Great Britain, E. Kidner opened the first Brutish
cooking school. 

1790 The U.S. Congress authorized the first U.S. census. 

1810 Sweden became the first country to appoint an
Ombudsman, Lars August Mannerheim. 

1811 Egyptian ruler Mohammed Ali massacred the leaders of
the Mameluke dynasty. 

1815 Napoleon returned to France from the island of Elba. He
had been forced to abdicate in April of 1814. 

1862 Prussia formally recognized the Kingdom of Italy. 

1872 The U.S. Congress authorized the creation of
Yellowstone National Park. It was the world's first national

1873 E. Remington and Sons of Ilion, NY, began the
manufacturing the first practical typewriter. 

1896 The Battle of Adowa began in Ethiopia between the
forces of Emperor Menelik II and Italian troops. The
Italians were defeated. 

1907 In Odessa, Russia, there were only about 15,000 Jews
left due to evacuations. 

1907 In Spain, a royal decree abolished civil marriages. 

1907 In New York, the Salvation Army opened an anti-suicide

1911 Industrialist Henry Frick acquired Velasquez's
"Portrait of King Philip IV." 

1911 Jose Ordonez was elected President of Uraguay. 

1912 Captain Albert Berry made the first parachute jump from
a moving airplane. 

1927 The Bank of Italy became a National Bank. 

1932 The 22-month-old son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh was
kidnapped. The child was found dead in May. 

1937 U.S. Steel raised workers’ wages to $5 a day. 

1937 In Connecticut, the first permanent automobile license
plates were issued. 

1941 FM Radio began in Nashville, TN, when station W47NV
began operations. 

1941 Bulgaria joined the Axis powers by signing the
Tripartite Pact. 

1947 The International Monetary Fund began operations. 

1947 Chinese Premier T.V. Soong resigned. 

1950 Klaus Fuchs was convicted of giving U.S. atomic secrets
to the Soviet Union. 

1954 The United States announced that it had conducted a
hydrogen bomb test on the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean.

1954 Five U.S. congressmen were wounded when four Puerto
Rican nationalists opened fire from the gallery of the U.S.
House of Representatives. 

1959 Archbishop Makarios returned to Cyprus from exile. 

1961 The Peace Corps was established by U.S. President

1966 The Soviet probe, Venera 3 crashed on the planet Venus.
It was the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the surface
of another planet. 

1966 Ghana ordered all Soviet, East German and Chinese
technicians to leave the country. 

1971 A bomb exploded in a restroom in the Senate wing of the
U.S. Capitol. There were no injuries. A U.S. group
protesting the Vietnam War claimed responsibility. 

1974 Seven people were indicted in connection with the
Watergate break-in. The charge was conspiring to obstruct

1983 The New Jersey Transit strike began. It ended April 2. 

1984 The U.S.S.R. performed a nuclear test at Eastern
Kazakhstan, Semipalatinsk, U.S.S.R. 

1988 Soviet troops were sent into Azerbaijan after ethnic
riots between Armenians and Azerbaijanis. 

1989 In Washington, DC, Mayor Barry and the City council
imposed a curfew on minors. 

1992 Bosnian Serb snipers fired upon civilians after a
majority of the Moslem and Croatian communities voted in
favor of Bosnia's independence. 

1992 King Fahd of Saudi Arabia announced major political
reforms that ceded some powers after 10 years of disciplined

1992 Bosnian Muslims and Croats voted to secede from

1993 The U.S. government announced that the number of food
stamp recipients had reached a record number of 26.6

1994 Israel released about 500 Arab prisoners in an effort
to placate Palestinians over the Hebron massacre. 

1995 The European Parliament rejected legislation that would
have allowed biotechnology companies to patent new life

1995 Yahoo! was incorporated. 

1996 In Kuala, Lumpur, construction was completed for the
Petronas Towers. 

1999 The Angolan Embassy in Lusaka, Zambia, exploded. Four
other bombs went off in the capital. 

1999 In Uganda, eight tourists were brutally murdered by
Hutu rebels. 

1999 Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones began their attempt to
circumnavigate the Earth in a hot air balloon non-stop. They
succeeded on March 20, 1999. 

2002 Operation Anaconda began in eastern Afghanistan. Allied
forces were fighting against Taliban and Al Quaida fighters.

2003 In New York, a $250,000 Salvador Dali sketch was stolen
from a display case in the lobby at Rikers Island jail. On
June 17, 2003, it was announced that four corrections
officers had surrendered and pled innocent in connection to
the theft. The mixed-media composition was a sketch of the

2003 In the U.S., approximately 180,000 personnel from 22
different organizations around the government became part of
the Department of Homeland Security. This completed the
largest government reorganization since the beginning of the
Cold War. 

2003 Khalid Shaikh Mohammed was captured by CIA and
Pakistani agents near Islamabad. He was the suspected
mastermind behind the terrorist attacks on the United States
on September 11, 2001. 
2017  smiled.

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