Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, March 19

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Naked Missouri woman sitting on couch when mom 
and young boys come home.
Details at  Boneheads
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Today, March 19 in
1994 The largest omelet in history was made with 160,000
eggs in Yokohama, Japan. 
 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
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If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
--- Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge
number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the
national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers.
Now we should call them economical numbers.
--- Richard Feynman (1918 - 1988)
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If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you
whether or not you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for the answers. The questions are not that
difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
*
*
*
*
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or
not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
*
*
*
*
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant
and shut the refrigerator.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the
giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This
question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
*
*
*
*
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of 
comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions
correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.


4. You have to cross Crocodile River and have no boat or
weapon. How do you cross it?
*
*
*
*
Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles
are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your
reasoning ability.

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you 
are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching 
up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a
hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your
organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that 
does not require logic or any higher mental functions at 
all, such as local politics.
______________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Jill heard her husband come back into the house not too long
after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge
meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand
Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate won't let him attend
until he finishes doing the laundry."
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Catherine Therrell,
55
Pevely,
Missouri

Naked Missouri woman sitting on couch when mom 
and young boys come home. 

A Missouri woman called police last week when she returned
home with her two young boys to find a naked woman sitting
on their couch, according to KTVI.

“I asked her who she was and why she was there and she told
me her name was Catherine and she was there for the birthday
party,” said Brianna Willey. “And she was definitely
dressed
for it.”

There was no birthday party and the woman was stripped down
to her birthday suit, wearing nothing.

“I had to ask her to let me in the house because she put the
latch on, and she put her clothes on backwards, then she
realized her clothes were on backwards, so she proceeded to
take them back off as I was standing there,” Willey said.

“Officers who later arrived on scene and placed her in
custody advised that she was highly intoxicated,” said Cpl.
Benjamin Litterall of the Pevely Police Department.

This isn’t the first time the woman has crashed someone’s
home drunk.

The woman, identified as Catherine Therrell, was charged
when she crashed her vehicle into a home back in February.
In that incident, Therrell narrowly missed hitting a mother
and child sitting in the living room watching TV, according
to police.

Police said Therrell's blood alcohol level was three times
the legal limit. She was charged with driving while
intoxicated persistent offender and second-degree property
damage, with a $10,000 bond.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Jennifer
Re: Electric watch battery

Dear Webby
I know this is not computer or web related, but nobody else
can answer me. Is it possible to change the battery in a 
wrist watch, or are they all just disposable now? There is
no clockmaker in the entire valley any more, and I am stuck.
Jennifer
/i>
Dear Jennifer
Changing watch batteries is easy, IF you have the right
tools. 
Don't ever attempt to do it by holding the watch in your
hand. That is a guarantee that you will stab your hand.
You have to use a knife-sharp screwdiver or wood chisel
to pry open the back. Noting to it if the watch is held
rock-solid in a vise, away from vulnerable hands.

Luckily the tools are amazingly cheap. A good watch vise is
$8 - $10. A "professional watchmaker's tool kit" is around 
$60 - $70, but unless you want to change the batteries for
everybody in the valley, you will easily get away with a 
$15 battery-changer's tool kit. You can always add more 
tools if there is a demand. 

If you have a decent watch vise, you can improvise on the
tools, or use tools you already have. 

Battery makers, like Energizer, have good on-line 
instructions for how to change watch batteries. They are
almost like a course, and in PDF for easy printing as a 
manual. An example is at
Energizer Watch Battery Replacement Guide

If you have problems seeing very small stuff, either get a
magnifying glass, or get some kid to help you. It's actually
really easy if you can see small stuff, like the + or - on
the tiny battery.

At Walmart they change batteries on watches bought there,
and if you are really good at flirting, they will do it on
other watches too.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Today's Bonehead reminded me of this story:
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
beer when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young
woman entered. She was so striking that the man could
not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly
toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude,
the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted
out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young
woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully
said, "Clean my house."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Designer Orange Muffins Recipe
By Judy Pariser S. [265 Posts, 1,779 Comments]

I love recipes that are flexible, and this one has so many
options. The muffins freeze well, and you have a quick
breakfast that is healthy and inexpensive.

Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 12-15 minutes
Total Time: 22-25 minutes
Yield: 12
Source: Mary Hunt website

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (I used half whole wheat)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup buttermilk (I used 1/2 cup milk and 1/2 tsp. white
vinegar)
1 egg
1/4 cup honey (used 1/8 cup stevia)
2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp applesauce
1/2 cup peeled and chopped fresh oranges

Steps:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Grease or line a 12-cup
muffin tin.
In a large bowl, combine the flour, baking powder and baking
soda. Mix well.
In medium bowl, combine the buttermilk, egg, honey, butter
and applesauce. Mix well.
Make a well in the dry ingredients, and add the wet
ingredients. Then fold in the oranges.
Fill the muffin cups 3/4 full.
Bake 12-15 minutes.
Cool on wire rack.
Optional Glaze: 1 cup powdered confectioner's sugar. 1/2
tsp. grated orange zest, and 1 Tbsp. orange juice. Whisk
sugar with the zest and juice until smooth. Frost muffins
while still warm.
There are so many substitutes for everything!
Buttermilk: Soy milk, sour cream, regular milk, yogurt,
orange juice, apple juice
Flour: Can combine whole wheat or cornmeal. You can also
substitute up to 1/2 cup cooked bran or rice cereal for 1/2
cup of flour.
Honey: maple syrup, white sugar, brown sugar, molasses,
frozen apple juice concentrate
Butter: oil or margarine
Applesauce: pureed fruit or nonfat plain yogurt

 
Peacock spider

____________________________________________________

The clinic down the road from here finally decided to get a
computer. Their bookkeeper was making so many errors,
they figured they better get a computer to blame them on.
___________________________________________________


 
12 most amazing messages in a bottle ever found.


>from Millie:
Dear Webby, you are going to get a chuckle outa this: 
We have always had your Humor Letter on the
bulletin board, probably long before I started here.
The last two years it was my duty and pleasure to 
print it and put it up every morning.

Because nobody had read the boss's announcements 
re a picnic on the company anniversary, I was told 
today that in future all of his announcements be put 
"right beside the Webby Humor Letter, which seems 
to be the only part of the bulletin board anybody reads".
Millie



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today on March 19
1571 Spanish troops occupied Manila. 

1628 The Massachusetts colony was founded by Englishmen. 

1644 200 members of the Peking imperial family/court
committed suicide. 

1687 French explorer La Salle was murdered by his own men
while searching for the mouth of the Mississippi River, in
the Gulf of Mexico. 

1702 Upon the death of William III of Orange, Anne Stuart,
the sister of Mary, succeeds to the throne of England,
Scotland and Ireland. 

1748 The English Naturalization Act passed granting Jews
right to colonize in the U.S. 

1775 Poland & Prussia signed a trade agreement. 

1831 The first bank robbery in America was reported. The
City Bank of New York City lost $245,000 in the robbery. 

1865 The Battle of Bentonville took place. The Confederates
retreated from Greenville, NC. 

1866 The immigrant ship Monarch of the Seas sank in
Liverpool killing 738. 

1879 Jim Currie opened fire on the actors Maurice Barrymore
and Ben Porter near Marshall, TX. The shots wounded
Barrymore and killed Porter. 

1895 The Los Angeles Railway was established to provide
streetcar service. 

1900 U.S. President McKinley asserted that there was a need
for free trade with Puerto Rico. 

1900 Archeologist Arthur John Evans began the excavation of
Knossos Palace in Greece. 

1903 The U.S. Senate ratified the Cuban treaty, gaining
naval bases in Guantanamo and Bahia Honda. 

1905 French explorer S. de Segonzac was taken prisoner by
Moroccans. 

1906 Reports from Berlin estimated the cost of the German
war in S.W. Africa at $150 million. 

1908 The state of Maryland barred Christian Scientists from
practicing without medical diplomas. 

1915 Pluto was photographed for the first time. However, it
was not known at the time. 

1917 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the Adamson Act that made
the eight-hour workday for railroads constitutional. 

1918 The U.S. Congress approved Daylight-Saving Time. 

1918 A German seaplane was shot down for the first time by
an American pilot. 

1920 The U.S. Senate rejected the Versailles Treaty for the
second time maintaining an isolation policy. 

1924 U.S. troops were rushed to Tegucigalpa as rebel forces
took the Honduran capital. 

1931 The state of Nevada legalized gambling. 

1945 About 800 people were killed as Japanese kamikaze
planes attacked the U.S. carrier Franklin off Japan. 

1945 Adolf Hitler issued his "Nero Decree" which ordered the
destruction of German facilities that could fall into Allied
hands as German forces were retreating. 

1947 Chiang Kai-Shek's government forces took control of
Yenan, the former headquarters of the Chinese Communist
Party. 

1948 Lee Savold knocked out Gino Buonvino in 54 seconds of
the first round of their prize fight at Madison Square
Gardens. 

1949 The Soviet People's Council signed the constitution of
the German Democratic Republic, and declared that the North
Atlantic Treaty was merely a war weapon. 

1953 Tennessee Williams' "Camino Real" premiered in New York
City. 

1954 Viewers saw the first televised prize fight shown in
color when Joey Giardello knocked out Willie Tory in round
seven at Madison Square Garden in New York City. 

1954 The first rocket-driven sled that ran on rails was
tested in Alamogordo, NM. 

1963 In Costa Rica, U.S. President John F. Kennedy and six
Latin American presidents pledged to fight Communism. 

1964 Sean Connery began shooting his role in "Goldfinger." 

1965 Indonesia nationalized all foreign oil companies. 

1965 Rembrandt's "Titus" sold for $7,770,000. 

1968 Students at Howard University seized an administration
building. 

1969 British invaded Anguilla. 

1972 India and Bangladesh signed a friendship treaty. 

1976 Buckingham Palace announced the separation of Princess
Margaret and her husband, the Earl of Snowdon, after 16
years of marriage. 

1977 Congo President Marien Ngouabi was killed by a suicide
commando. 

1977 France performed a nuclear test at Muruora Island. 

1984 A Mobile oil tanker spilled 200,000 gallons into the
Columbia River. 

1985 IBM announced that it was planning to stop making the
PCjr consumer-oriented computer. 

1985 The U.S. Senate voted to authorize production of the MX
missile. 

1987 Televangelist Jim Bakker resigned from the PTL due to a
scandal involving Jessica Hahn. 

1988 Two British soldiers were killed by mourners at a
funeral in Belfast, North Ireland. The soldiers were shot to
death after being dragged from a car and beaten. 

1990 Latvia's political opposition claimed victory in the
republic's first free elections in 50 years. 

1990 The first world ice hockey tournament for women was
held in Ottawa. 

1991 Brett Hull, of the St. Louis Blues, became the third
National Hockey League (NHL) player to score 80 goals in a
season. 

1994 The largest omelet in history was made with 160,000
eggs in Yokohama, Japan. 

1998 The World Health Organization warned of tuberculosis
epidemic that could kill 70 million people in next two
decades. 

1999 53 people were killed and dozens were injured when a
bomb exploded in a market place in southern Russia. 

2000 Vector Data Systems conducted a simulation of the 1993
Branch Davidian siege in Waco, TX. The simulation showed
that the government had not fired first. 

2001 California officials declared a power alert and ordered
the first of two days of rolling blackouts. 

2002 Operation Anaconda, the largest U.S.-led ground
offensive since the Gulf War, ended in eastern Afghanistan.
During the operation, which began on March 2, it was
reported that at least 500 Taliban and al Qaeda fighters
were killed. Eleven allied troops were killed during the
same operation. 

2003 U.S. President George W. Bush announced that U.S.
forces had launched a strike against "targets of military
opportunity" in Iraq. The attack, using cruise missiles and
precision-guided bombs, were aimed at Iraqi leaders thought
to be near Baghdad. 

2015 Apple replaced AT&T in the Dow Jones Industrial
Average. 

2017  smiled.







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