Real portrait for resume 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, March 31
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Alabama Arrestee so loose he defecates gun 
into his shorts 
Details at  Boneheads
Today, March 31 in
1492 King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain 
issued the Alhambra edict expelling Jews who were 
unwilling to convert to Christianity.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) "If you would persuade, you must appeal to interest rather than intellect." --- Benjamin Franklin ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being--a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol, whom one can treat as one's absolute own, who will be kind and faithful when times are hard, who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose what kind of puppy to buy?" ______________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate Life, Chapter 1, verses 1-15: 1. In the beginning was the Plan. 2. And then came the Assumptions. 3. And the Assumptions were without form. 4. And the Plan was without Substance. 5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. 6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of crap and it stinks." 7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell." 8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." 9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." 10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." 11. And the directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." 12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "It has very powerful effects." 13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. 14. And the Plan became Policy. 15. And that is how crap happens. ______________________________________________________ 2017 Superbloom in Death Valley ______________________________________________________
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesse Roberts, 23, Elkmont, Alabama Alabama Arrestee so loose he defecates gun into his shorts An Alabama man being booked into jail for public intoxication had a stolen handgun hidden in a certain body cavity, according to police who noticed that the defendant was walking “strangely” upon arrival at the county jail. Jesse Roberts, 23, was collared early today by cops responding to a 911 call about a prowler near a residence in Elkmont, a town outside Huntsville. Seen above, Roberts was arrested and transported to the Limestone County jail, where corrections officers took notice of his odd gait. As Roberts was being searched, an unloaded Jimenez Arms .380-caliber pistol fell from his rear end into his underwear. “I immediately considered that he defecated on himself before noticing a familiar shape in the form of a pistol in his boxers,” a jailer noted in a report, according to Sheriff Mike Blakely. Upon recovering the unloaded weapon from Roberts’s drawers, cops determined that the $100 handgun had been reported stolen out of Florence, a city 50 miles away. Along with a misdemeanor public intoxication rap, Roberts is facing charges for receiving stolen property, introducing contraband into a correctional facility, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. Roberts is locked up in lieu of $7250 bail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Edith Re: Portrait for Resume in California Dear Webby I am pretty good with Selfies that look OK on Facebook, but they are NOT the quality I need for a resume. I am not loking for a freebie with a cheap phone, but a real, professional, high resolution glamor shot. I am willing to spend a bit to get a decent glamor shot for a fancy resume. If I get this job, the cost of that portrait will be paid for in a day. Edith /i> Dear Edith The ideal photographer for you would be Karen Vaisman. I have known Karen since the early 90's, when we used to go on PowWow cruises and argued a lot. Just go to Karen and see the difference a real, professional photographer can make. Karen has various other sites too, but that one is a good introduction. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew." "Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?" "Yes he did," the man replied. "And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?" "Just once," the man replied. The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?" And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Keep Socks Together If you are tired of lonely socks, attach pairs of socks with a safety pin before putting them in the washer. Even better, pin them together when you take them off and toss them in the dirty clothes hamper. The best safety pins are diaper safety pins which are less likely to snag and damage other clothing.
Impossible driving test
____________________________________________________ A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee!" ___________________________________________________
I need to go thrift store shopping!
SIXTEEN STEPS TO BUILD A CAMPFIRE Building a campfire is easy… just follow these sixteen steps (in order): Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers. Bandage left thumb. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments. Bandage left foot. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand). Light Match. Light Match. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire. Apply burn ointment to nose. When fire is burning, collect more wood. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene." Treat face and arms for second-degree burns. Relabel can to read "gasoline." When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today on March 31
1492 King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain issued the
Alhambra edict expelling Jews who were unwilling to convert
to Christianity. 

1779 Russia and Turkey signed a treaty concerning military
action in Crimea. 

1831 Quebec and Montreal were incorporated as cities. 

1854 The U.S. government signed the Treaty of Kanagawa with
Japan. The act opened the ports of Shimoda and Hakotade to
American trade. 

1862 Skirmishing between Rebels and Union forces took place
at Island 10 on the Mississippi River. 

1870 In Perth Amboy, NJ, Thomas Munday Peterson became the
first black to vote in the U.S. 

1880 Wabash, IN, became the first town to be completely
illuminated with electric light. 

1885 Binney & Smith Company was founded in New York City.
The company later became Crayola, LLC. 

1889 In Paris, the Eiffel Tower officially opened. 

1900 The W.E. Roach Company was the first automobile company
to put an advertisement in a national magazine. The magazine
was the "Saturday Evening Post". 

1900 In France, the National Assembly passed a law reducing
the workday for women and children to 11 hours. 

1901 In Russia, the Czar lashed out at Socialist-
Revolutionaries with the arrests of 72 people and the
seizing of two printing presses. 

1902 In Tennessee, 22 coal miners were killed by an

1904 In India, hundreds of Tibetans were slaughtered by the

1905 Kaiser Wilhelm arrived in Tangier proclaiming to
support an independent state of Morocco. 

1906 The Conference on Moroccan Reforms in Algerciras ended
after two months with France and Germany in agreement. 

1908 250,000 coal miners in Indianapolis, IN, went on strike
to await a wage adjustment. 

1909 Serbia accepted Austrian control over Bosnia-

1917 The U.S. purchased and took possession of the Virgin
Islands from Denmark for $25 million. 

1921 Great Britain declared a state of emergency because of
the thousands of coal miners on strike. 

1923 In New York City, the first U.S. dance marathon was
held. Alma Cummings set a new world record of 27 hours. 

1932 The Ford Motor Co. debuted its V-8 engine. 

1939 Britain and France agreed to support Poland if Germany
threatened invasion. 

1940 La Guardia airport in New York officially opened to the

1941 Germany began a counter offensive in North Africa. 

1946 Monarchists won the elections in Greece. 

1948 The Soviets in Germany began blocking the Western
trains headed toward Berlin. 

1949 Winston Churchill declared that the A-bomb was the only
thing that kept the U.S.S.R. from taking over Europe. 

1949 Newfoundland entered the Canadian confederation as its
10th province. 

1958 The U.S. Navy formed the atomic submarine division. 

1960 The South African government declared a state of
emergency after demonstrations led to the death of more than
50 Africans. 

1966 An estimated 200,000 anti-war demonstrators march in
New York City. They eventually defeated the US military at

1966 The Soviet Union launched Luna 10, which became the
first spacecraft to enter a lunar orbit. 

1970 The U.S. forces in Vietnam down a MIG-21, it was the
first since September 1968. 

1976 The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that Karen Anne
Quinlan could be disconnected from a respirator. Quinlan
remained comatose until 1985 when she died. 

1980 U.S. President Carter deregulated the banking industry.

1981 In Bangkok, Thailand, four of five Indonesian
terrorists were killed after hijacking an airplane on March

1986 167 people died when a Mexicana Airlines Boeing 727
crashed in Los Angeles. 

1989 Canada and France signed a fishing rights pact. 

1991 Albania offered a multi-party election for the first
time in 50 years. Incumbent President Ramiz Alia won. 

1991 Iraqi forces recaptured the northern city of Kirkuk
from Kurdish guerillas. 

1994 "Nature" magazine announced that a complete skull of
Australopithecus afarensis had been found in Ethiopia. The
finding is of humankind's earliest ancestor. 

1998 U.N. Security Council imposed arms embargo on

2000 In Uganda, officials set the number of deaths linked to
a doomsday religious cult, the Movement for the Restoration
of the Ten Commandments, at more than 900. In Kanungu, a
March 17 fire at the cult's church killed more than 530 and
authorities subsequently found mass graves at various sites
linked to the cult. 

2004 Google Inc. announced that it would be introducing a
free e-mail service called Gmail. 

2016 Apple released the iPhone SE. 

2017  smiled.

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