Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 6

Thank you, Lila!

Best wishes for Master Chief Jim. 
His wife Cori wrote me that he was in the hospital for two
heart operations, but is now back home again. He survived
WWII, Korea and Vietnam, and these two operations. 
Master Chief Jim is the oldest subscriber.

Keep him in your thoughts and prayers!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Dad reappears several days after 
leaving 6 year old son in the car.
Details at  Boneheads
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Today, April 6 in
1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees 
on something or other, reach for your wallet, because 
you're being had.
--- Michael Crichton (1942 - 2008)


______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Kati's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, ketchup and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be 
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes 
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them 
perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains
the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and
U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is the red Light district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

______________________________________________________

PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC

ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... 
and could you do it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, 
but let me keep the old stuff.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!! Why me?

LEO: Yes? Hello God...are you listening to me?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it 
up like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the 
other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive 
our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told 
you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, 
but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos 
is ridiculous!!

PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth 
of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy
glory.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Just after the maid had been fired, she took a steak from
the fridge and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former employer, she answered:

"I never forget a friend. This was for cleaning the
dishes for me all the time!"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Darnell Washington,
38,
Houston,
Texas

Dad reappears several days after 
leaving 6 year old son in the car.

Darnell Washington pulled up to an adult bookstore, left the
SUV running, and headed inside. Hours passed, and the man
never came back. Meanwhile, his six-year-old son remained in
the car.

According to Click2Houston, six hours went by, and nobody
returned for the boy. Even worse, he had nothing to eat or
drink.

As ABC13 reports, Diamond Hawkins was working at a tattoo
shop when he finally saw the child sitting alone in the
vehicle:

“He was sitting in the truck and I didn't pay much attention
because we have a business next door that sells cars. I
thought his dad was next door buying a car or something.”

Eventually, the owner of the adult bookstore saw the boy
walking around the parking lot and went in search of his
parents. According to the Houston Chronicle, the owner went
inside the tattoo parlor and asked if the child belonged to
anyone, but nobody knew who he was.

At that point, he and Hawkins knew something was wrong.

According to Click2Houston, Hawkins said the young boy
couldn't provide them with any information:

“He didn’t know where his dad was. He didn’t know where he
lived, or his phone number, or anything. We looked for his
dad and couldn’t find him anywhere, so somebody called the
cops.”

Another tattoo shop employee, John Ridley, made sure the boy
was comfortable while they waited for the police to arrive.
They eventually got the frightened child to talk:

"He was really shy at first. He had a little food and we put
him in front of the TV and he got accustomed to us. He
opened up a bit and told us his name.”

When nobody came to pick the six-year-old boy up from the
police, he was placed with Texas Child Protective Services.
As for Washington, he didn't show back up to the parking lot
for several days.

When he finally did return, Hawkins said Washington appeared
to be more concerned about his vehicle than his son:

“He came in and was asking about his car. Wasn't too
concerned about the kid but said, 'Hey did you have a car
towed, where's my car.'”

Washington admitted to police that he was drinking on the
day he left his child. He said he had “four shots of
whiskey” and “four to five shots of tequila.” He explained
that he passed out behind the store in an alley, woke up,
couldn't find his child, and passed out again.

He eventually found out where the child he left behind was
when he called his own father, who let him know the police
had him.

Mardee Paige was at the tattoo parlor with her best friend
celebrating her 70th birthday when the little boy was
rescued from wandering around the parking lot. Paige said:

“That person in my mind shouldn't have a child. Who knows
what would have happened had somebody not brought him over
here.”

Washington was charged with child endangerment. His court
date set for April 11.

The young boy is now staying with friends.
There was no mention  of a mother in any report. She might
be dead or in jail.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Danielle
Re: Telemarketers

Dear Webby
I have been told not to be rude to telemarketers, just in
case they are potential clients. I know you have a 
dangerously wicked sense of humor and have had some
good tips about that in the past, but unfortunately I did 
not save them. What do you recommend?
Danielle

Dear Danielle
Just tell the telemarketer that they should be talking to
Farley Marblemouth and to hold on. Then, before they 
can reply to that, put them on hold.

Eventually you'll hear the beeping that indicates a dead
line.

An alternative is to tell them that you, or whoever they
want to talk to are too busy to listen to telemarketers and
that they should send an email. They never do.

If Call Indicator shows the name of a state, it is forged by
a telemarketer. I don't even bother listening to their
crap,
I hit On/Off faster than they can get one word out.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Redneck Manners

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything 
  prepared by a taxidermist.
b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his
manners   are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper 
  cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of 
  the wine.
b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it 
  with your fingers covering the label. 

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job 
  that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for 
  several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is 
  a waste of good money.
c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, 
 as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter 
  the taste of finger foods. 

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if 
  the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the 
  largest tires always has the right of way.
c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, 
  it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you
  are the driver.
f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession. 

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, 
  unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.
b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.
c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or 
  hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make
 or color for each piece of the set.
d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better

 to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that
  the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding 
  brawl.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grease Stains on Suede Shoes 
By Pamela [1 Comment]
I've had luck with removing light grease stains from suede
with rubber cement. The kind of rubber cement used in school
projects (comes in a brown bottle with it's own brush
inside). Of course, test first on a small spot, like the on
inside lining. Just brush on a small amount, let it sit for
a moment to dry, then rub off the rubber cement with a soft
cloth. When stain is gone and suede is dry, use suede brush
to fluff up the suede again. Good luck!

 
 Record size bass caught by 
hand!

____________________________________________________

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of 
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed 
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave 
children or spouses."
___________________________________________________


 
Very unusual vehicles.


A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else 
when a beautiful girl enters the room.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today on April 6
1199 English King Richard I was killed by an arrow at the
siege of the castle of Chaluz in France. 

1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 

1652 Jan van Riebeeck established a settlement at Cape Town,
South Africa. 

1814 Granted sovereignty in the island of Elba and a pension
from the French government, Napoleon Bonaparte abdicates at
Fountainebleau. He was allowed to keep the title of emperor.

1830 Joseph Smith and five others organized the Mormon
Church in western New York. 

1830 Relations between the Texans and Mexico reached a new
low when Mexico would not allow further emigration into
Texas by settlers from the U.S. 

1862 The American Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in
Tennessee. 

1865 At the Battle of Sayler's Creek, a third of Lee's army
was cut off by Union troops pursuing him to Appomattox. 

1875 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the
multiple telegraph, which sent two signals at the same time.

1896 The first modern Olympic Games began in Athens, Greece.

1903 French Army Nationalists were revealed for forging
documents to guarantee a conviction for Alfred Dryfus. 

1909 Americans Robert Peary and Matthew Henson claimed to be
the first men to reach the North Pole. 

1916 Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in
the world when he signed a contract with Mutual Film
Corporation for $675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. 

1917 The U.S. Congress approved a declaration of war on
Germany and entered World War I on the winning side. 

1924 Four planes left Seattle on the first successful flight
around the world. 

1927 William P. MacCracken, Jr. earned license number ‘1’
when the Department of Commerce issued the first aviator’s
license. 

1938 The United States recognized the German conquest of
Austria. 

1941 German forces invaded Greece and Yugoslavia. 

1953 Iranian Premier Mossadegh demanded that the shah's
power be reduced. 

1957 Trolley cars in New York City completed their final
runs. 

1965 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of
ground troops in combat operations in Vietnam. 

1967 In South Vietnam, 1,500 Viet Cong attacked Quangtri and
freed 200 prisoners. 

1981 A Yugoslav Communist Party official confirmed reports
of intense ethnic riots in Kosovo. 

1983 The U.S. Veteran's Administration announced it would
give free medical care for conditions traceable to radiation
exposure to more than 220,000 veterans who participated in
nuclear tests from 1945 to 1962. 

1985 William J. Schroeder became the first artificial heart
recipient to be discharged from the hospital. 

1998 Federal researchers in the U.S. announced that daily
tamoxifen pills could cut breast cancer risk among high-risk
women. 

1998 Pakistan successfully tested medium-range missiles
capable of attacking neighboring India. 

2017  smiled.







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