How to deal with telemarketers 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 6

Thank you, Lila!

Best wishes for Master Chief Jim. 
His wife Cori wrote me that he was in the hospital for two
heart operations, but is now back home again. He survived
WWII, Korea and Vietnam, and these two operations. 
Master Chief Jim is the oldest subscriber.

Keep him in your thoughts and prayers!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Dad reappears several days after 
leaving 6 year old son in the car.
Details at  Boneheads
Today, April 6 in
1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
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______________________________________________________ Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had. --- Michael Crichton (1942 - 2008) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Kati's Science Exam Answers. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, ketchup and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is the red Light district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight ______________________________________________________ PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... and could you do it right now? TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, but let me keep the old stuff. GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God? CANCER: Dear God!!! Why me? LEO: Yes? Hello God...are you listening to me? VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time. LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best? SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it! SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating. CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else! AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!! PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Just after the maid had been fired, she took a steak from the fridge and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. This was for cleaning the dishes for me all the time!" ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Darnell Washington, 38, Houston, Texas Dad reappears several days after leaving 6 year old son in the car. Darnell Washington pulled up to an adult bookstore, left the SUV running, and headed inside. Hours passed, and the man never came back. Meanwhile, his six-year-old son remained in the car. According to Click2Houston, six hours went by, and nobody returned for the boy. Even worse, he had nothing to eat or drink. As ABC13 reports, Diamond Hawkins was working at a tattoo shop when he finally saw the child sitting alone in the vehicle: “He was sitting in the truck and I didn't pay much attention because we have a business next door that sells cars. I thought his dad was next door buying a car or something.” Eventually, the owner of the adult bookstore saw the boy walking around the parking lot and went in search of his parents. According to the Houston Chronicle, the owner went inside the tattoo parlor and asked if the child belonged to anyone, but nobody knew who he was. At that point, he and Hawkins knew something was wrong. According to Click2Houston, Hawkins said the young boy couldn't provide them with any information: “He didn’t know where his dad was. He didn’t know where he lived, or his phone number, or anything. We looked for his dad and couldn’t find him anywhere, so somebody called the cops.” Another tattoo shop employee, John Ridley, made sure the boy was comfortable while they waited for the police to arrive. They eventually got the frightened child to talk: "He was really shy at first. He had a little food and we put him in front of the TV and he got accustomed to us. He opened up a bit and told us his name.” When nobody came to pick the six-year-old boy up from the police, he was placed with Texas Child Protective Services. As for Washington, he didn't show back up to the parking lot for several days. When he finally did return, Hawkins said Washington appeared to be more concerned about his vehicle than his son: “He came in and was asking about his car. Wasn't too concerned about the kid but said, 'Hey did you have a car towed, where's my car.'” Washington admitted to police that he was drinking on the day he left his child. He said he had “four shots of whiskey” and “four to five shots of tequila.” He explained that he passed out behind the store in an alley, woke up, couldn't find his child, and passed out again. He eventually found out where the child he left behind was when he called his own father, who let him know the police had him. Mardee Paige was at the tattoo parlor with her best friend celebrating her 70th birthday when the little boy was rescued from wandering around the parking lot. Paige said: “That person in my mind shouldn't have a child. Who knows what would have happened had somebody not brought him over here.” Washington was charged with child endangerment. His court date set for April 11. The young boy is now staying with friends. There was no mention of a mother in any report. She might be dead or in jail. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Danielle Re: Telemarketers Dear Webby I have been told not to be rude to telemarketers, just in case they are potential clients. I know you have a dangerously wicked sense of humor and have had some good tips about that in the past, but unfortunately I did not save them. What do you recommend? Danielle Dear Danielle Just tell the telemarketer that they should be talking to Farley Marblemouth and to hold on. Then, before they can reply to that, put them on hold. Eventually you'll hear the beeping that indicates a dead line. An alternative is to tell them that you, or whoever they want to talk to are too busy to listen to telemarketers and that they should send an email. They never do. If Call Indicator shows the name of a state, it is forged by a telemarketer. I don't even bother listening to their crap, I hit On/Off faster than they can get one word out. Have FUN! DearWebby
Redneck Manners Entertaining in Your Home a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his manners are better than those of your mother-in-law. Dining Out a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of the wine. b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Personal Hygiene a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is a waste of good money. c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. Rules of the Road a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you are the driver. f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Weddings a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom. b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts. c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make or color for each piece of the set. d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding brawl.
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Daily tip from Grease Stains on Suede Shoes By Pamela [1 Comment] I've had luck with removing light grease stains from suede with rubber cement. The kind of rubber cement used in school projects (comes in a brown bottle with it's own brush inside). Of course, test first on a small spot, like the on inside lining. Just brush on a small amount, let it sit for a moment to dry, then rub off the rubber cement with a soft cloth. When stain is gone and suede is dry, use suede brush to fluff up the suede again. Good luck!
Record size bass caught by hand!
____________________________________________________ "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." ___________________________________________________
Very unusual vehicles.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today on April 6
1199 English King Richard I was killed by an arrow at the
siege of the castle of Chaluz in France. 

1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 

1652 Jan van Riebeeck established a settlement at Cape Town,
South Africa. 

1814 Granted sovereignty in the island of Elba and a pension
from the French government, Napoleon Bonaparte abdicates at
Fountainebleau. He was allowed to keep the title of emperor.

1830 Joseph Smith and five others organized the Mormon
Church in western New York. 

1830 Relations between the Texans and Mexico reached a new
low when Mexico would not allow further emigration into
Texas by settlers from the U.S. 

1862 The American Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in

1865 At the Battle of Sayler's Creek, a third of Lee's army
was cut off by Union troops pursuing him to Appomattox. 

1875 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the
multiple telegraph, which sent two signals at the same time.

1896 The first modern Olympic Games began in Athens, Greece.

1903 French Army Nationalists were revealed for forging
documents to guarantee a conviction for Alfred Dryfus. 

1909 Americans Robert Peary and Matthew Henson claimed to be
the first men to reach the North Pole. 

1916 Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in
the world when he signed a contract with Mutual Film
Corporation for $675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. 

1917 The U.S. Congress approved a declaration of war on
Germany and entered World War I on the winning side. 

1924 Four planes left Seattle on the first successful flight
around the world. 

1927 William P. MacCracken, Jr. earned license number ‘1’
when the Department of Commerce issued the first aviator’s

1938 The United States recognized the German conquest of

1941 German forces invaded Greece and Yugoslavia. 

1953 Iranian Premier Mossadegh demanded that the shah's
power be reduced. 

1957 Trolley cars in New York City completed their final

1965 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of
ground troops in combat operations in Vietnam. 

1967 In South Vietnam, 1,500 Viet Cong attacked Quangtri and
freed 200 prisoners. 

1981 A Yugoslav Communist Party official confirmed reports
of intense ethnic riots in Kosovo. 

1983 The U.S. Veteran's Administration announced it would
give free medical care for conditions traceable to radiation
exposure to more than 220,000 veterans who participated in
nuclear tests from 1945 to 1962. 

1985 William J. Schroeder became the first artificial heart
recipient to be discharged from the hospital. 

1998 Federal researchers in the U.S. announced that daily
tamoxifen pills could cut breast cancer risk among high-risk

1998 Pakistan successfully tested medium-range missiles
capable of attacking neighboring India. 

2017  smiled.

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