Monday, March 5, 2018, 08:06 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, March 5
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Todays Bonehead Award:
Man held without bail in I-495 hatchet carjackings
Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, March 5 in
1624 In the American colony of Virginia, the upper class
was exempted from whipping by legislation.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
|
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter,
please donate what you can! |
|
______________________________________________________
To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler
it would be if men died for ideas that were true!
-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
______________________________________________________
THE TODDLER DIET
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit
after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after
it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the
years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds
are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a
carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with
your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over
your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your
best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and
slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes,
add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and
feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.
Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
______________________________________________________
An wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked
a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're
85."
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Brittlebush, south of Tucson, AZ
And here we have 2 feet of snow.
_____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by
Marcos Garcia, 42,
Lawrence,
Massawhosits
Man held without bail in I-495 hatchet carjackings
A Lawrence man who allegedly used a hatchet to carjack another car
following a crash on Interstate 495 on Wednesday night is being held
without bail.
Marcos Garcia, 42, was arraigned on Thursday in his hospital bed at
Lahey Hospital and Medical Center. He pleaded, through an interpreter,
not guilty to two counts of carjacking, one count of negligent
operation of a motor vehicle and one count of resisting arrest.
Garcia will face a judge again next Wednesday in Ayer District Court
for a dangerousness hearing, assuming he's not hospitalized.
Around 7:15 p.m. Wednesday, state police were dispatched to a reported
motor vehicle crash on the southbound side of Interstate 495 in
Chelmsford.
State police said in a press release that night that Garcia had
operated one of the vehicles involved, then allegedly used a hatchet
to carjack another vehicle and continued along 495 until he struck two
other vehicles and crashed in Littleton.
Thursday's arraignment stems from the Littleton crash. Police are
still investigating the Chelmsford portion of the alleged incident.
Assistant District Attorney April O'Brien said Thursday that Garcia
attempted to steal the two vehicles following the crash in Littleton.
The driver of a black BMW told police Garcia, at the time shirtless
and covered in blood, entered his car and tried to steal it, while the
driver of a Toyota Sienna told police he attempted to enter her car.
"He was swaying on his feet," O'Brien said during Thursday's
arraignment. "Police continued to yell at him to comply. He was
punching his fists. He said no. Police had to use a Taser. It took
them activating the Taser five times to get the defendant under
control."
No mention was made at Thursday's arraignment of the hatchet Garcia
allegedly used to carjack the first vehicle.
The charges were read to Garcia through an interpreter. He sat upright
and alert, handcuffed to his hospital bed with a bandage on the right
side of his face.
Judge David Frank ordered Garcia held without bail until his
dangerousness hearing.
Thomas Combs, Garcia's attorney, declined to comment following
Thursday's arraignment.
Tom O'Donnell, of Westford, who was driving on I-495 at the time of
the initial tractor-trailer crash in Chelmsford, said he "saw a van
screaming down the high-speed lane." According to O'Donnell, the
driver of the van was the carjacker.
"I spoke to the driver of the tractor trailer," O'Donnell said. "He
said the van cut in front of him."
This caused the tractor trailer to swerve in an attempt to avoid
contact with the reckless vehicle.
"The tractor-trailer driver was a real hero in my opinion by keeping
control of his truck," O'Donnell said. "I'm amazed that the only
person hurt was the driver of the van."
_________________________________
Tech Support Pits
From: Don C
Re: Censored
Dear Webby,
Frequently I find jokes or other anecdotes have
been cut short by a line of equal signs which prevent me from
reading the rest of the story. Following is an example.
Is it somthing I am doing? What can I do to correct it?
Thank you.
Don C
valve stems were all even. Without even a laugh or a chuckle,
he did as she had asked, and put "Rotated tires"
onfiltered===============
Dear Don
"onfiltered==" means that Yahoo has censored some stuff.
Once you graduate and upgrade to a better mail system,
that nonsense will instantly stop.
In the meantime you can check the on-line copy at
http://webby.com/humor or the archive blog at
http://webby.com/humor/blog to see what the punch line
is, that everybody else got in their mail.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs.
No need to re-install them.
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel in England to ask its location.
"It's only a stone's throw away from Stoney Beach,"
he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Back came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken
windows."
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon,
I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how
many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I
will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
____________________________________________________
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Take a Break From Your Computer
Avoid sitting in front of your computer for more than 30
minutes at a time. If you find you lose track of time, set
a timer to go off in 30 minutes. Then get up, stretch, and
walk around a bit before sitting back down. It also helps
ease eye strain if you periodically look at distant objects.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
The supervisor for the British Government Road Construction
Workers Union called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the Government.
We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of
10 AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the
country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll
only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from the back of the room asks,
"You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
 | Let's take a trip to Scotland.
|
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point
out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over
their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got
just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were
going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: When I sell it, my wife will kill me!"
___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
|
____________________________________________________
Today, March 5 in
1623 The first alcohol temperance law in the colonies was enacted in
Virginia.
1624 In the American colony of Virginia, the upper class was exempted
from whipping by legislation.
1750 "King Richard III" was performed in New York City. It was the
first Shakespearean play to be presented in America.
1766 The first Spanish governor of Louisiana, Antonio de Ulloa,
arrived in New Orleans.
1770 "The Boston Massacre" took place when British troops fired on a
crowd in Boston killing five people. Two British troops were later
convicted of manslaughter.
1793 Austrian troops defeated the French and recaptured Liege.
1836 Samuel Colt's Patent Arms Manufacturing of Paterson, New Jersey,
was chartered by the New Jersey legislature.
1842 A Mexican force of over 500 men under Rafael Vasquez invaded
Texas for the first time since the revolution. They briefly occupied
San Antonio, but soon headed back to the Rio Grande.
1845 The U.S. Congress appropriated $30,000 to ship camels to the
western U.S.
1872 George Westinghouse patented the air brake. Air brakes had been
around, but he came up with car borne reservoirs that made them much
more efficient.
1900 Two U.S. battleships left for Nicaragua to halt revolutionary
disturbances.
1901 Germany and Britain began negotiations with hopes of creating an
alliance.
1902 In France, the National Congress of Miners decided to call for a
general strike for an 8-hour day.
1907 In St. Petersburg, Russia, the new Duma opened. 40,000
demonstrators were dispersed by troops.
1910 In Philadelphia, PA, 60,000 people left their jobs to show
support for striking transit workers.
1910 The Moroccan envoy signed the 1909 agreement with France.
1912 The Italians became the first to use dirigibles for military
purposes. They used them for reconnaissance flights behind Turkish
lines west of Tripoli.
1918 The Soviets moved the capital of Russia from Petrograd to Moscow.
1922 "Annie Oakley" (Phoebe Ann Moses) broke all existing records for
women's trap shooting. She hit 98 out of 100 targets.
1923 Old-age pension laws were enacted in the states of Montana and
Nevada.
1933 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered a four-day bank
holiday in order to stop large amounts of money from being withdrawn
from banks.
1933 The Nazi Party won 44 percent of the vote in German parliamentary
elections.
1934 In Amarillo, TX, the first Mother's-In-Law Day was celebrated.
1943 Germany called fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds for military
service due to war losses.
1946 Winston Churchill delivered his "Iron Curtain Speech".
1946 The U.S. sent protests to the U.S.S.R. re incursions into
Manchuria and Iran.
1953 Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin died. He had been in power for 29
years.
1956 The U.S. Supreme Court affirmed the ban on segregation in public
schools.
1970 A nuclear non-proliferation treaty went into effect after 43
nations ratified it. It made no difference.
1976 The British pound fell below the equivalent of $2 for the first
time in history.
1984 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that cities had the right to display
the Nativity scene as part of their Christmas display.
1984 The U.S. accused Iraq of using poison gas.
1985 Mike Bossy (New York Islanders) became the first National Hockey
League player to score 50 goals in eight consecutive seasons.
1993 Cuban President Fidel Castro said that Hillary Clinton was "a
beautiful woman."
1993 Sprinter Ben Johnson was banned from racing for life by the
Amateur Athletic Association after testing positive for banned
performance-enhancing substances for a second time.
1998 NASA announced that an orbiting craft had found enough water on
the moon to support a human colony and rocket fueling station.
1998 It was announced that Air Force Lt. Col. Eileen Collins would
lead crew of Columbia on a mission to launch a large X-ray telescope.
She was the first woman to command a space shuttle mission.
2018 smiled.
|
[ view entry ]
( 5 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 380 )
<<First <Back | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | Next> Last>>
