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Todays Bonehead Award:
Kidnapper was punched out when daddy arrived
Today, April 14 in
1912 The Atlantic passenger liner Titanic, on its maiden voyage hit
an iceberg and began to sink. 1,517 people lost their lives and more
than 700 survived. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 --- Harper's Index Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire." --- Dale Carnegie We know accurately only when we know little; with knowledge doubt increases. --- Goethe _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Liz for this story: I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ You got it on AutoFocus! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago. I called her to see how she was doing. My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered. "Hey, B, how's your mama?" "She's sleeping," he whispered again. "She go back to the doctor for a checkup?" "Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly. "She's doing ok." "All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Yonel Hernandez-Velasco, 26, Auburn, California Kidnapper was punched out when daddy arrived A father said he used his fists to stop a would-be kidnapper from dragging the man's 3-year-old daughter out of a park in Auburn, California. Witnesses who were at the North Auburn Regional Park around 7 p.m. told deputies the suspect, 26-year-old Yonel Hernandez-Velasco, was acting strangely Saturday before he allegedly accosted the man's little girl. A group of boys said Hernandez-Velasco tried twice to buy their basketball. According to the Placer County Sheriff's Office, when they rejected him he showed them a pair of handcuffs and threatened to drag one of them into a nearby pond, according to KTXL. Cecilia Sole was playing with her two daughters when the boys told Hernandez-Velasco to go away. Sole said that's when he walked over to her youngest. “He interlaces his fingers with my 3-year-old and starts trying to make a game out of it. Like skipping with her," Sole told KTXL. But she said it was no game when Hernandez-Velasco started dragging the little girl away. She chased after them while calling the girls' father, who lives near the park. Hernadez-Velasco let the girl go but the bizarre incident was far from over. "He just looked at me like [shrugs] and I was like, ‘Wow no big thing, huh bud? You just tried to kidnap my daughter,'" said Fred Cantrell Jr., the toddler's father. Auburn Police say at that point Hernandez-Velasco took out the pair of handcuffs, wrapped them around his fist and took a swing at the toddler's father. Cantrell said he punched back, fists flew and Hernandez-Velasco collapsed to the ground. The threat was over, but not for the little girl, who called out for her father later that night, unable to sleep. “She gave me a kiss, she was all, 'I love you, daddy.' I was like, 'I love you too, baby.' Then she’s like, 'Don’t ever let me go.' That right there crushed my heart,” Cantrell said. Hernandez-Velasco was hospitalized then booked into the Auburn Jail upon his release. He has been charged on suspicion of kidnapping, assault with a deadly weapon and attempted kidnapping. His bail is set at $1.2 million. Tech Support Pits From: Penny Re: Firefox freezing Dear Webby, Once again I come with a question. Firefox keeps freeing on me, "Not Responding". Any ideas why?? Google chrome is on this computer too. But.. for some stupid reason I couldn't open my G-mail with it. I installed Firefox and tah dah, I have G-mail. I don't understand why since g-mail is google? Thanks for all the help and the newsletters. I read them all. Penny Dear Penny There is no logical reason for a machine to act like that. It sounds like your machine has some kind of infection. Have you tried running Malwarebytes? Have FUN DearWebby During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
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>From Ed When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Marketing 101 . . . Revised People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is: You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" . That's spam. You see two great looking brothers at a party. You decide to take them both home. That's a 2 for 1 sale. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bottom. That's Arnold Schwarzenegger. You like it, but 10 years later your attorney decides you were offended and files suit. That's America. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Easy Tip Calculations Here's a trick for computing a 15% tip in your head. Start by calculating 10% of the bill and then add half. For example, if the bill is $24 dollars, a 15% tip would be $2.40 (10%) plus $1.20 (half of 15%), for a total of $3.60. Another easy method is to use the sales tax rate in your state. If it the tax rate happens to be around %7 or 8%, the tip should be roughly double the amount of tax that is charged. Another option is to carry a tip card, a small wallet sized card that has a table on it for calculating tips. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?" The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Whale graveyards in the most unlikely places.
___________________________________________________ >From Ole Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature. "How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked. "Still employed," he answered. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, April 14 in
1775 The first abolitionist society in U.S. was organized in
Philadelphia with Ben Franklin as president. 

1793 A royalist rebellion in Santo Domingo was crushed by French
republican troops. 

1828 The first edition of Noah Webster's dictionary was published
under the name "American Dictionary of the English Language." 

1860 The first Pony Express rider arrived in San Francisco with mail
originating in St. Joseph, MO. 

1865 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated in Ford's
Theater by John Wilkes Booth. He actually died early the next

1894 First public showing of Thomas Edison's kinetoscope took place.

1902 James Cash (J.C.) Penney opened his first retail store in
Kemmerer, WY. It was called the Golden Rule Store. 

1912 The Atlantic passenger liner Titanic, on its maiden voyage hit
an iceberg and began to sink. 1,517 people lost their lives and more
than 700 survived. 

1918 The U.S. First Aero Squadron engaged in America's first aerial
dogfight with enemy aircraft over Toul, France. 

1931 King Alfonso XIII of Spain went into exile and the Spanish
Republic was proclaimed. 

1939 The John Steinbeck novel "The Grapes of Wrath" was first

1946 The civil war between Communists and nationalists resumed in

1953 Viet Minh invaded Laos with 40,00 troops. 

1956 Ampex Corporation of Redwood City, CA, demonstrated the first
commercial magnetic tape recorder for sound and picture. 

1981 America's first space shuttle, Columbia, returned to Earth
after a three-day test flight. The shuttle orbited the Earth 36
times during the mission. 

1984 The Texas Board of Education began requiring that the state's
public school textbooks describe the evolution of human beings as
"theory rather than fact". 

1985 The Russian paper "Pravda" called U.S. President Reagan's
planned visit to Bitburg to visit the Nazi cemetery an "act of

1986 U.S. President Reagan announced the U.S. air raid on military
and terrorist related targets in Libya. 

1988 Representatives from the U.S.S.R., Pakistan, Afghanistan and
the U.S. signed an agreement that called for the withdrawal of
Soviet forces from Afghanistan starting on May 15. The last Soviet
troop left Afghanistan on February 15, 1989. 

1988 In New York, real estate tycoons Harry and Leona Helmsley were
indicted for income tax evasion. 

1994 Two American F-15 warplanes inadvertently shot down two U.S.
helicopters over northern Iraq. 26 people were killed including 15

1998 The state of Virginia ignored the requests from the World Court
and executed a Paraguayan for the murder of a U.S. woman. 

1999 Pakistan test-fired a ballistic missile that was capable of
carrying a nuclear warhead and reaching its rival neighbor India. 

2000 After five years of deadlock, Russia approved the START II
treaty that calls for the scrapping of U.S. and Russian nuclear
warheads. The Russian government warned it would abandon all arms-
control pacts if Washington continued with an anti-missile system. 

2002 U.S. President George W. Bush sent a letter of congratulations
to JCPenny's associates for being in business for 100 years. James
Cash (J.C.) Penney had opened his first retail store on April 14,

2002 Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez returned to office two days
after being arrested by his country's military. 

2008 Delta Air Lines and Northwest Airlines announced they were

2018  smiled.

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