Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 23

Have FUN!
Dearwebby

Today's Bonehead Award: 

Man attempts to rape 76-year-old woman 
in SE Portland, daughter helps to 
fight him off

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Today, September 23 in
1846 Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the 
planet Neptune. 
More of today in history at HIstory
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If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



I like life. It's something to do.
--- Ronnie Shakes
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A police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....

Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going
so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the
name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more
careful."

At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the
other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends
back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

After he sent them on their way, the officer radioed in what
had happened and could hardly contain his laughter. Then the
dispatcher told him to go chase those nuns and shoot their
tires out before they get to the 401.

-------------
The 401 is the "Highway Of Heroes", where soldiers killed in
action are brought from the airport to the coroners building in
Toronto.
Whenever there is a convoy of hearses with fallen soldiers,
people pack the overpasses and salute.

We also plant one tree along the Highway Of Heroes for each
fallen soldier.

The 401 is a fast freeway, but 401 km/h (244.5 mph) is a bit
fast for elderly nuns.

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If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this....true
story.

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often
visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to
a
double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car,
drove to the center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store. Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. With a slow smile, the
actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled
demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily
married woman with three grown children, you're fifty years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took
the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful
of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream
cone? 
Oh for heavens sake did I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in
the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No
ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face
broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the
woman, "You put it in your purse."

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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading
Louis  Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees
the paper,  and stops - in shock.

"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You
should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"

The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories
about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of
the Jewish people.  I like to read about good news."

His friend gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in
that paper???"

"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money,
the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the
Jews control Hollywood -- see?  It's all *good* news!"

______________________________________________________




Just want to tell ya, Gullible Warming is out of fashion
for a spell. 

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If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!

___________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD 
has been earned by


Krystal Milne, 33,
Hampton,
Virginia


Man attempts to rape 76-year-old woman 
in SE Portland, daughter helps to 
fight him off

A daughter helped her mom fight off a man, who broke into their
southeast Portland home and attempted to rape the 76-year-old
woman.

On the night of Sept. 12, Barbara Stross woke up when she felt
something plop down on her bed.

"I thought for a minute there was an animal," the elderly woman
said.

But, she quickly realized there was a man inside her basement
apartment and he was laying right on top of her.

"He put his hand over my mouth, kept saying, ‘shh, shh.’"

She said she began to scream for her daughter, Ingrid, who was
upstairs in the main house.

As she screamed, her attacker put his hands down on her neck,
trying to strangle her. But, the 5-foot-tall, 100-pound woman,
fought back.

"I’m not used to putting up with being beaten up," she said.
More than a week later, she still has the bruises.



"There’s some scratches that are healing," Stross said.

Hearing her mother’s screams, Ingrid Renan Clark, said she ran
down the two flights of stairs to her mother’s detached
apartment.

She said, when she burst in the door, she began to scream
aggressively.

"I remember thinking I need to scream really low. I didn’t
necessarily want him to know I was a woman."

Renan Clark told FOX 12, she charged at the man, pushing him.

The alleged attacker, who police have identified as 30-year-old
Joseph Green Jr., ran away, leaving his pants on the bedroom
floor. The two women said, they immediately locked the door
behind him and called 911.

According to court documents, a short time later, a Portland
Police officer saw two men fighting and one of them was only
wearing boxers.

Police said, it turns out, Green tried to break into another
home, just blocks away, but was confronted by the man who lives
there.

Stross and her daughter were driven to that second home, where
Renan Clark was able to identify him as the man who attempted
to rape her mother.

Renan Clark told FOX 12 she knew her mother’s alleged attacker
by name and had spoken with him on three occasions. According
to her, he is homeless and, based on their previous
interactions, she thought he was kind and gentle.

Investigators said Green, who appeared in court on Friday,
later confessed to breaking into the two women’s home and
trying to have sex with Stross.

Green is now facing at least a dozen felony charges and is due
back in court in November. He is currently being held at the
Multnomah County Jail.

Although the two women were rattled by the attempted rape, they
said they do not want to live in fear.

"I don’t feel unsafe. I mean, we’re both strong women," Renan
Clark said.

They said, they’re going to enroll in free self-defense classes
Portland Police Bureau offers and they encourage others to do
the same.



From Fred
Re: Change wallpaper

Dear Webby:
Could you please tell me how to put new wall paper on Gateway
desktop. It is not a laptop I  have a Windows 7 Thank you 
Fred

Dear Fred
Right-click a blank part of the desktop and choose Personalize.
The Control Panel’s Personalization pane appears.

Click the Desktop Background option along the window’s bottom
left corner 

Click any of the pictures, and Windows 7 quickly places it onto
your desktop’s background.

Found a keeper? Click the Save Changes button to keep it on
your desktop. If not, click the Picture Location menu to see
more choices. Or, if you’re still searching, move to the next
step.

Click the Browse button and click a file from inside your
personal Pictures folder.

Most people store their digital photos in their Pictures folder
or library. To make it easy on yourself, make a new folder,
that is easy to find, for example C:\WALLS
Whenever you see a suitable picture, for example in the Humor
Letter, save it to that folder. Then, when you feel like
changing the desktop wallpaper, you know where to find it.

Click Save Changes and exit the Desktop Background window when
you’re satisfied with your choices.

Exit the program, and your chosen photo stays stuck to your
desktop as the background.

Have FUN
DearWebby



Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. 
No need to re-install them. 
The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.

Four older ladies are sitting around playing
bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known
you all a long time and there is something I must
get off my chest.  I am a Kleptomaniac.  But,
don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I
never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having
true confessions here, I must get something off
my chest too.  I am a Nymphomaniac.  But don't
worry, I have not hit on your husbands.  They don't
interest me and never will; we have been friends
for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess
something.  I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I
will not hit on you.  You are not my type. We have
been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a
confession to make also.  I am an uncontrollable
gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




A little girl was playing quietly while her mom and another
lady friend were talking.  The little girl let out a big fart.
Her mother said "What do you say Suzy?", expecting the
reply, "Excuse me."
What she said instead was
"Watch out, here comes another one!"

___________________________________________________

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Checkout Surprise 
No Jumping on The Mattress 
While it's a lot of fun, don't let kids or adults jump on
mattresses. It can permanently damage the supports inside
the mattress and cause it to wear out faster. A small
trampoline is much cheaper than buying a new mattress.
It can also be dangerous.

Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

____________________________________________________






Yakutsk: The coldest city in the world.

___________________________________________________

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job.  His
nephew asked him what happened.

"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who
stands around and watches the other men work?"

"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.

"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman."

___________________________________________________


Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.


A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke
to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted
on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp,
they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed
up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion
stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The stupid lion got
himself in trouble, let him get himself out of it."

____________________________________________________



Today, September 23 in
1779 John Paul Jones, commander of the American warship Bon
Homme, was quoted as saying "I have not yet begun to fight!" 

1780 John Andre, a British spy, was captured with papers
revealing that Benedict Arnold was going to surrender West
Point, NY, to the British. 

1806 The Corps of Discovery, the Lewis and Clark expedition,
reached St. Louis, MO, and ended the trip to the Pacific
Northwest. 

1845 The Knickerbocker Base Ball Club of New York was formed by
Alexander Joy Cartwright. It was the first baseball team in
America. 

1846 Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet
Neptune. 

1930 Flashbulbs were patented by Johannes Ostermeier. 

1951 The first transcontinental telecast was received on the
west coast. The show "Crusade for Freedom" was broadcast by
CBS-TV from New York. 

1952 The first Pay Television sporting event took place. The
Marciano-Walcott fight was seen in 49 theaters in 31 cities. 

1952 Richard Nixon gave his "Checkers Speech". At the time he
was a candidate for U.S. vice-president. 

1957 Nine black students withdrew from Little Rock Central High
School in Arkansas due to the white mob outside. 

1962 "The Jetsons" premiered on ABC-TV. It was the first
program on the network to be carried in color. 

1964 The new ceiling painting of the Paris Opera house was
unveiled. The work was done by Russian-born artist Marc
Chagall. 

1973 Overthrown Argentine president Juan Peron was returned to
power. He had been overthrown in 1955. His wife, Eva Duarte,
was the subject of the musical "Evita." 

1981 The Reagan administration announced its plans for what
became known as Radio Marti. 

1986 Japanese newspapers quoted Prime Minister Yasuhiro
Nakasone as saying that minorities lowered the "intelligence
level" of America. 

1990 Iraq publicly threatened to destroy Middle East oil fields
and to attack Israel if any nation tried to force it from
Kuwait. 

1991 U.N. weapons inspectors find documents detailing Iraq's
secret nuclear weapons program. The find in Baghdad triggered a
standoff with authorities in Iraq. 

1993 The Israeli parliament ratified the Israel-PLO accord. 

1993 Blacks were allowed a role in the South African government
after a parliamentary vote. 

1999 A 17-month-old girl fell 230 feet from the Capilano
Suspension Bridge in North Vancouver, British Columbia. The
girl had bruises but no broken limbs from the fall onto a rocky
ledge. 

2018  smiled.






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