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Today's Bonehead Award: 

British woman claimed her fake blow-job-lips
stopped her from blowing police breathalyser

Today, October 28 in
1793 Eli Whitney applied for a patent for his cotton gin. 
 More of today in history at History
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"I invented the Internet." --- Al Gore "America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." --- Barack Obama "I have campaigned in all 57 states." --- Barack Obama (Quoted in 2008) ______________________________________________________ RULES OF THE OFFICE ** If it rings, put it on hold; ** If it clanks, call the repairman; ** If it whistles, ignore it; ** If it's a friend, take a break; ** If it's the boss, look busy; ** If it talks, take notes; ** If it's handwritten, type it; ** If it's typed, copy it; ** If it's copied, file it; ** If it's Friday, forget it! ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Sunday School Bloopers: Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy, so how much the dress on that store dummy over there is?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snooty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain Store downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the sheep at night do?" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Scarlett Harrison, 20, Manchester, England British woman claimed her fake blow-job-lips stopped her from blowing police breathalyser Scarlett Harrison, 20, was found to be over the limit when she was stopped in Manchester city centre after drinking Pink Gins with a friend she fell out with. When at the police station she was asked to provide a second, more accurate sample but she said her collagen implants made it difficult to get her mouth around the tube. Harrison, who has appeared in Ex On The Beach and has just returned from a summer in Ibiza, tried to blow four times before saying ‘my lips are too big’. As a result she was charged with failing to provide a breath sample and tried to avoid conviction by saying she was unable to blow for ‘medical reasons’. Harrison, the daughter of an engineering business owner, pleaded guilty on the day her trial was due to start. The court heard that she pulled over on June 20 in her Mini One in a taxi rank outside Piccadilly train station. She has been banned from driving for 16 months and ordered to pay £310 in fines and costs. Prosecutor Neil White said: ‘When the officers went over to speak to her, they could smell alcohol on her breath and so conducted a roadside breath test. ‘She was over the limit so she was taken to the police station. At the station, they informed her about going through to the intoximeter room and proceeded to discuss the demeanour of the defendant and how she now felt. ‘She tried to go through with it and attempted to blow four times. She told them she was anxious and nervous and when asked by the police officer if there was any reason why she couldn’t provide a sample, she said her lips were too big and she couldn’t blow into it. ‘They asked if she had any medical conditions or health conditions that could stop her doing so and she said: “No, just my lips”.’ Her lawyer Matthew Wallace said: ‘Along with the current trend, she has collagen implants in her lips which is something that caused her due difficulty in forming a seal around the tube. He added: ‘She is currently out of work, she arrived back from working abroad in Ibiza week ago. She is due to start work at a local restaurant once it opens, she is just awaiting a starting date. She lives with her parents. She is ordinarily employed. Her father sold the car the day after her arrest. Apparently he did not believe her BS. From: Bobbi Re: Forward and Back via bottom Status line Dear Webby I have IE on my computer. There were forward and back arrows at the bottom of each e-mail message that you could use to go to the next message, or back. Now they have suddenly disappeared. I have to go to the top of each message after reading it to use the arrow up there to go on to the next message. So far, IE help has been no help, telling me that this feature is cuurently not available. it was there 4 days ago. What gives? Thanks, Bobbi Dear Bobbi That must be a Hotmail feature, not a browser feature. I have never seen it on IE. Check in the Hotmail preferences. Have FUN! DearWebby

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Two contafiters way up nort in Chicargo wuz makin sum contafit money an dey accidently made sum twelve dollar bill by mistake. Dey made a whole bunch of dem before dey foun dere mistake, so insted of startin over dey decide to try to pass dem off. Dey always herd how backward people in Louisiana wuz, especially dem folks name Boudreaux frum down neer Lafayette so dey jumpin dere car an drive down to Lafayette, LA an wen dey got dere dey look in da fone book an shore enuf dey fine Boudreaux's General Store an Mercantile listed rite dere in da yeller pages. Dey went to Boudreaux's store an walk up to da man at da counter. Da firs contafiter say, "Are you Mr. Boudreaux?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore, dat's me. Wat can Ah do fa you fellers?" Da contafiter wisper to his frien, "This is gonna be easier than I thought." Da contafiter say, "Can you give us change for a twelve dollar bill?" Boudreaux say, "Mais shore Ah can! How you want dat, tree fores, fore trees, or 2 sixes?"
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A ThirdAger is getting his annual physical when the doctor notices several dark, ugly bruises on the man's shins. "Do you play hockey, soccer or another physical sport?" the doctor asks. "No," says the man. "I play bridge with my wife." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Less Wrinkles: Hang Dresses and Suits Quickly Hang your jacket up when you get home to reduce wrinkles. The heat from your body helps ease the wrinkles out of the garment as it hangs. The same goes for dresses. Also make sure clothing is not packed too tightly in the closet, or they will develop wrinkles in the closet. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________
Castles right out of fairy tales.
___________________________________________________ The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
An hysterical mother phones the family's pediatrician with an emergency. "Doctor," she says, "I was writing a letter when my two-year-old came along, grabbed my fancy fountain pen and swallowed it. What should I do?" "Don't panic, I'll be right over," says the doctor. "In the meantime, what are you doing?" he asks. "I'm using a pencil."

Today October 28 in
1636 Harvard College was founded in Massachusetts. The original
name was Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. It was the first
school of higher education in America. 

1776 The Battle of White Plains took place during the American
Revolutionary War. 

1793 Eli Whitney applied for a patent for his cotton gin. 

1886 The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by
U.S. President Cleveland. The statue weighs 225 tons and is 152
feet tall. It was originally known as "Liberty Enlightening the

1904 The St. Louis Police Department became the first to use

1919 The U.S. Congress enacted the Volstead Act, also known as
the National Prohibition Act. Prohibition was repealed in 1933
with the passing of the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 

1922 Benito Mussolini took control of the Italian government and
introduced fascism to Italy. 

1940 During World War II, Italy invaded Greece. 

1962 Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev informed the U.S. that he
had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba. 

1965 Pope Paul VI issued a decree absolving Jews of collective
guilt for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. 

1965 The Gateway Arch along the waterfront in St. Louis, MO, was

1976 John D. Erlichman, a former aide to U.S. President Richard
Nixon, entered a federal prison camp in Safford, AZ, to begin
serving his sentence for Watergate-related convictions. 

1983 The U.S. vetoed a U.N. Security Council resolution "deeply
deploring" the ongoing U.S.-led invasion of Grenada. 

1985 John A. Walker Jr. and his son, Michael Lance Walker, pled
guilty to charges of spying for the Soviet Union. 

1988 Roussel Uclaf, a French manufacturer that produces the
abortion pill RU486, announced it would resume distribution of
the drug after the government of France demanded it do so. 

1990 Iraq announced that it was halting gasoline rationing. 

1993 Ousted Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, called for
a complete blockade of Haiti to force out the military leaders. 

1994 U.S. President Clinton visited Kuwait and implied that all
the troops there would be home by Christmas. 

1996 The Dow Jones Industial Average gained a record 337.17
points (or 5%). The day before the Dow had dropped 554.26 points
(or 7%). 

2018  smiled.

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