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Today is Thursday, December 13

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Today's Bonehead Award: 
Woman pulled over for DUI in St. Augustine claims "it sucks to be pretty," 

Today, December 13 in
1577 Five ships under the command of Sir Francis Drake left
Plymouth, England, to embark on Drake's circumnavigation of the
globe. The journey took almost three years.  
More of today in history at History
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After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood. --- Fred Thompson Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. --- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821) Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Author unknown ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this story: A 3-year-old tells all One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' And sure enough........!!! ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow up yer fookin' candle.' _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Angela for bringing back this classic: Yesterday I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? PIGEONS since I'm retired, with little to do? I told her that no I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I explained that I probably shouldn't be going back on this diet because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, although I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story). Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; that I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
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___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kim Tranter, 42, St. Augustine, Floriduh Woman pulled over for DUI in St. Augustine claims "it sucks to be pretty" A woman was arrested in St. Augustine for driving under the influence, according to St. Augustine Beach Police Department. St. Augustine police pulled over Kim Tranter for going 45 mph in a 30 mph, according to the report. The report said Tranter told police she was trying to get away from someone but could not tell the officer from whom she was trying to get away from. While Tranter was looking for her license, registration and proof of insurance the report said, "The defendant picked up her cell phone and put in a numerical code to unlock her cell phone, as if she forgot I requested her driver license, registration, and proof of insurance." The report says she claimed she only had two drinks. The report noted on the way to the jail, the defendant said, "It sucks to be pretty, but that's life though," and that she "stole two pieces of pizza and a sh---y box of wine." Not pretty enough to get away with drunk driving, stealing pizza and wine.
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Thanks to Jai for this story: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Moshe Rosenberg is a new recruit in the British Army. One day an officer asked him "What is your name?" "Moshe Rosenberg" he replied. The officer responded "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army. What is your name?" "Sir Moshe Rosenberg." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Cleaning With Salt A paste of salt and vinegar help clean tarnished brass or copper. You can cover spilled juice or wine with salt to absorb much of the stain. Soaking washable fabrics in salt water will help remove many stubborn stains. For cleaning purposes use plain salt not iodized salt. Tip provided by Cast iron frying pans and Woks that have an age old "seasoning" or oil patina, can be safely cleaned with salt, without endangering the patina or enraging the chef. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Miss Universe 2018 national costume contest.
___________________________________________________ Bill was attending an outdoor music concertwith a young woman he had recently begun dating. Standing at the back of the crowd, they wrapped their arms around each other, swaying to the music. After a particularly romantic song, his date turned to face him. With a loving smile, she said, "I wish we were closer..." Totally thrilled, he looked into her eyes and whispered, "Do you mean our houses or our friendship?" Puzzled, she replied, "No, you dummy! ...To the stage." ___________________________________________________ An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me." The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom and made love to her. In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
What's the Heirloom Christmas Book about? It is a BIG e-book with all the stories, that your great grandmother recited or read to your grandmother, when she was a kid. I want these stories to be preserved. You may know what it is about, when somebody mentions "bittersweet love like in 'The Gift Of The Magi'," but with today's education, your kids or even their teachers, probably don't know. So I collected these classics and put them all together into one e-book. This book of Christmas Stories is a cultural treasure, that should be passed on to our descendants. Since it is in e-book format, you can put it onto a CD for each kid, and fill the rest of the CD with family pictures and other keepsakes, making it a true heirloom. I have produced a smaller version last year. This final edition has more stories and illustrations, but I kept the price down to the same $10. The Heirloom Christmas Book also makes a nice Christmas gift! Click on the book cover to get your copy or click on Heirloom Christmas Book You can download it and give the file as a gift! ___________________________________________________

Today December 13 in
1577 Five ships under the command of Sir Francis Drake left
Plymouth, England, to embark on Drake's circumnavigation of the
globe. The journey took almost three years. 

1636 The United States National Guard was created when militia
regiments were organized by the General Court of the
Massachusetts Bay Colony. 

1642 New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman. 

1809 The first abdominal surgical procedure was performed in
Danville, KY, on Jane Todd Crawford. The operation was performed
without an anesthetic. 

1816 John Adamson received a patent for a dry dock. 

1862 In America, an estimated 11,000 Northern soldiers were
killed or wounded when Union forces were defeated by Confederates
under General Robert E. Lee, at the Battle of Fredericksburg. 

1883 The border between Ontario and Manitoba was established. 

1884 Percy Everitt received a patent for the first coin-operated
weighing machine. 

1913 It was announced by authorities in Florence, Italy, that the
"Mona Lisa" had been recovered. The work was stolen from the
Louvre Museum in Paris in 1911. 

1921 Britain, France, Japan and the United States signed the
Pacific Treaty. 

1937 Japanese forces took the Chinese city of Nanking (Nanjing).
An estimated 200,000 Chinese were killed over the next six weeks.
The event became known as the "Rape of Nanking." 

1944 During World War II, the U.S. cruiser Nashville was badly
damaged in a Japanese kamikaze suicide attack. 138 people were
killed in the attack. 

1964 In El Paso, TX, President Johnson and Mexican President
Gustavo Diaz Ordaz set off an explosion that diverted the Rio
Grande River, reshaping the U.S.-Mexican border. This ended a
century-old border dispute. 

1980 Three days after a disputed general election, Uganda’s
President Milton Obote was returned to office. 

1981 Authorities in Poland imposed martial law in an attempt to
crack down on the Solidarity labor movement. Martial law ended
formally in 1983. 

1982 The Sentry Armored Car Company in New York discovered that
$11 million had been stolen from its headquarters overnight. It
was the biggest cash theft in U.S. history. 

1987 U.S. Secretary of State George Shultz told reporters in
Copenhagen, Denmark, that the Reagan administration would begin
making funding requests for the proposed Star Wars defense

1988 PLO chairman Yasser Arafat addressed the U.N. General
Assembly in Geneva, where it had reconvened after the United
States had refused to grant Arafat a visa to visit New York. 

1988 A bankruptcy judge in Columbia, SC, ordered the assets of
the troubled PTL television ministry sold to a Toronto real
estate developer for $65 million. 

1989 South African President F.W. de Klerk met for the first time
with imprisoned African National Congress leader Nelson Mandela,
at de Klerk's office in Cape Town. 

1991 Five Central Asian republics of the Soviet Union agreed to
join the new Commonwealth of Independent States. 

1991 North Korea and South Korea signed a historic non-aggression

1993 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that people must receive a
hearing before property linked to illegal drug sales can be

1993 The European Community ratified a treaty creating the
European Economic Area (EEA), to go into effect January 1, 1994. 

1994 An American Eagle commuter plane carrying 20 people crashed
short of Raleigh-Durham International Airport in North Carolina,
killing 15 people. 

1995 China's most influential democracy activist, Wei Jingsheng,
who already had spent 16 years in prison, was sentenced to 14
more years. 

1998 Puerto Rican voters rejected U.S. statehood in a non-binding

1998 Gary Anderson (Minnesota Vikings) kicked six field goals
against Baltimore. In the game Anderson set an National Football
League (NFL) record for 34 straight field goals without a miss. 

2000 U.S. Vice President Al Gore conceded the 2000 Presidential
election to Texas Gov. George W. Bush. The Florida electoral
votes were won by only 537 votes, which decided the election. The
election had been contested up to the U.S. Supreme Court, which
said that the Florida recount (supported by the Florida Supreme
Court) was unconstitutional. 

2000 Seven convicts, the "Texas 7," escaped from Connally Unit in
Kenedy, TX, southeast of San Antonio, by overpowering civilian
workers and prison employees. They fled with stolen clothing,
pickup truck and 16 guns and ammunition. 

2001 The U.S. government released a video tape that showed Osama
bin Laden and others discussing their knowledge of the terrorist
attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001. 

2001 U.S. President George W. Bush served formal notice to Russia
that the United States was withdrawing from the 1972 Anti-
Ballistic Missile Treaty. 

2001 Israel severed all contact with Yasser Arafat. Israel also
launched air strikes and sent troops into Palestine in response
to a bus ambush that killed 10 Israelis. 

2001 Gunmen stormed the Indian Parliament and killed seven people
and injured 18. Security forces killed the attackers during a 90-
minute gunbattle. 

2001 NBC-TV announced that it would begin running hard liquor
commercials. NBC issued a 19-point policy that outlined the
conditions for accepting liquor ads. 

2001 Michael Frank Goodwin was arrested and booked on two counts
of murder, one count of conspiracy and three special
circumstances (lying in wait, murder for financial gain and
multiple murder) in connection to the death of Mickey Thompson.
Thompson and his wife Trudy were shot to death in their driveway
on March 16, 1988. Thompson, known as the "Speed King," set
nearly 500 auto speed endurance records including being the first
person to travel more than 400 mph on land. 

2018  smiled.

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