Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 9

Today's Bonehead Award: 
Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback

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Today, January 9 in
1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting 
in public. 
More of today in history at History
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Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
--- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) 

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. 
It is only the sane people who are willing to admit 
that they are crazy.
--- Nora Ephron 
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Thanks to Irene for this story:
My husband and I were at a restaurant and before we were
seated my husband said he needed to use the bathroom he
went off and did his business, When he finally returned I
notice a very LONG piece of toilet paper hanging out of
the back of his pants. 

Before I could say anything everyone started laughing and
pointing, of course he still had no clue,  that is until some
young guy approached him, and asked him if he was receiving a
fax!

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Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to

clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.
After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that
read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it." I noticed the
bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called,
"Brian, how did you find the bathroom?" 

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the 
hall, first door on the right." 

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Sick Day 
I'm feeling sick and getting worse. 
I think I'd better see the nurse.
I'm sure I should go home today.
It could be fatal if I stay.
I'm nauseated, nearly ill.
I have a fever and a chill.
I have a cold. I have the flu.
I'm turning green and pink and blue.
I have the sweats. I have the shakes,
a stuffy nose, and bellyaches.

My knees are weak. My vision's blurred.
My throat is sore. My voice is slurred.
I'm strewn with head lice, ticks, and mites.
I'm covered in mosquito bites.
I have a cough, a creak, a croak,
a reddish rash from poison oak,
a feeble head, a weakened heart.

I may just faint or fall apart.
I sprained my ankle, stubbed my toes,
and soon I'll start to decompose.
And one more thing I have today
that makes me have to go away.

It's just as bad as all the rest:
I also have a science test. 

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Thanks for your votes!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD 
has been earned by

Deanna Seltzer, 
28,
Lake Worth,
Floriduh


Woman attacks parents for not taking her to Outback

A woman from Lake Worth is accused of attacking her parents with
a knife for not taking her to Outback Steakhouse.

Deanna Seltzer, 28, is facing two counts of aggravated assault,
battery, and battery on a person over 65 years old.

A report from the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office said Seltzer
became enraged after she asked her parents to go to Outback on
Wednesday afternoon. Her mom said "No." That's when Seltzer
flipped over the glass dining room table and other furniture
throughout the home. Deputies said she also hit her mom, grabbed
a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her dad around the home,
threatening to kill him. Her father eventually wrestled the knife
away from her.

Seltzer is free on bond. A judge ordered her to undergo a mental
health evaluation within days of her release from jail.



>From Anna
While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with 
a colleague of his.

"What rank are you?" I asked.

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from 
captain to major."

"Relieved? Why?"

"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."


From: Steve
Re: Big downloads

Dear DearWebby,
Is there a location to get a current copy of Libre Office from. 
I am not way savvy on this stuff & made a mess of trying to 
download it. It gave me several dowloading errors & I could 
not get it to open properly. Paying a fee for a clean current 
copy is no problem.
 
Now that I have read your news letter I can go have my morning
tea.
Thanx,
     Steve J.

Dear Steve
It is a huge file, about 120 MB,
and on slow dial-up will take a long time to download.
If you have a neighbor or friend with a high speed 
connection, give them a blank CD and ask them to 
download it and burn it onto the CD for you.
CD's are cheap, but shipping is not. Try to get one burned
within walking distance.

Personally, I would just start the download before you go to bed.
By morning it will be finished even on a very slow dial-up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




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In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten
together to discuss some important issues. About midway
through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up
and spoke her piece.

One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she
know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows
how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, 
"Take off your boots John,
and count them yourself!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.  After she cut
off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.  Her
friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always
did, so I thought you were supposed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut
off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother
replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom
always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young
woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end
of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would 
never fit into my baking pan, because hams were bigger in those
days."

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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Thriftyfun.com
Caring For Cut Flowers 
Using pruning shears (not scissors), make a fresh cut at the 
bottom of the stem under running water. Strip away all leaves 
that will be below the water line so they don't rot. Change the 
water once a day and add 2 Tbsp. of sugar to act as a 
preservative. 
Thriftyfun.com


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Talented street art.

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An elderly Dutch man asked the local priest to hear his
confession.

"Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my 
door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in 
my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, 
my son, and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay 
me with her sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered 
terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom 
and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you 
kindly. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I 
have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

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Thanks to Andrew for this story:
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident 
of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective 
jurors.

As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.

Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom 
answered, "My son is a lawyer."

As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the 
services of an attorney.

"Only to mow my lawn."

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Ophelia Dingbatter's
NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just
jokes and fun for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the
double opt-in confirmation request.


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS 

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after
I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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Today January 9 in
1793 Jean-Pierre Blanchard made the first successful balloon
flight in the U.S. 

1799 British Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger introduced
income tax, at two shillings (10p) in the pound, to raise funds
for the Napoleonic Wars. 

1848 The first commercial bank was established in San Francisco,
CA. 

1894 The New England Telephone and Telegraph Company put the
first battery-operated switchboard into operation in Lexington,
MA. 

1902 New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting in
public. 

1905 In Russia, the civil disturbances known as the Revolution of
1905 forced Czar Nicholas II to grant some civil rights. 

1929 The Seeing Eye was incorporated in Nashville, TN. The
company's purpose was to train dogs to guide the blind. 

1936 The United States Army adopted the semi-automatic rifle. 

1940 Television was used for the first time to present a sales
meeting to convention delegates in New York City. 

1951 The United Nations headquarters officially opened in New
York City. 

1969 The supersonic aeroplane Concorde made its first trial
flight, at Bristol. 

1972 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth was destroyed by fire in
Hong Kong harbor. 

1972 British miners went on strike for the first time since 1926.


1981 Hockey Hall of Famer, Phil Esposito, announced that he would
retire as a hockey player after the New York Rangers-Buffalo
Sabres hockey game. The game ended in a tie. (NHL) 

1984 Clara Peller was first seen by TV viewers in the "Where's
the Beef?" commercial campaign for Wendy's. 

1986 Kodak got out of the instant camera business after 10 years
due to a loss in a court battle that claimed that Kodak copied
Polaroid patents. 

1991 U.S. secretary of state Baker and Iraqi foreign minister
Aziz met for 61/2 hours in Geneva, but failed to reach any
agreement that would forestall war in the Persian Gulf. 

1995 Russian cosmonaut Valeri Poliakov, 51, completed his 366th
day in outer space aboard the Mir space station, breaking the
record for the longest continuous time spent in outer space. 

1997 Tamil rebels attacked a military base in Sri Lanka. 200
soldiers and 140 rebels were killed. 

2000 ABC-TV began airing "The Mole." 

2002 The U.S. Justice Department announced that it was pursuing a
criminal investigation of Enron Corp. The company had filed for
bankruptcy on December 2, 2001. 

2003 Archaeologists announced that they had found five more
chambers in the tomb of Qin Shihuang, China's first emperor. The
rooms were believed to cover about 750,000 square feet. 

2007 Steve Jobs, Apple Inc.'s CEO, announced the first generation
iPhone. 

2018  smiled.






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