Dear Webby: Manual Update for Windows 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  January 29, 2009

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. --- Scott Adams Where facts are few, experts are many. --- Donald R. Gannon
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband rolled over on the couch. "You *should* be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never gave us a cent."
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The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13...."


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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Eric Marusak, 37, of New Port Richey, Florida Police say man barked, bit like a dog PORT RICHEY, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities allege it took six officers to restrain a drunken man accused of damaging a police car while growling and biting like a dog in Port Richey, Fla. Eric Marusak, 37, of New Port Richey was ordered held without bail for driving drunk, violently resisting an officer, battery on an officer and habitually driving with a suspended license, The St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported. Marusak's arrest record of previous skirmishes with police is 18 pages long, police said. Marusak was arrested Saturday after running his car into a chain-link fence on U.S. Route 19. "I'm wrecked, dude. I got a suspended license," Marusak allegedly told the officer who witnessed the crash. Once in the police cruiser, Marusak allegedly kicked the officer in the crotch, spit on him and tried to bite the officer twice while growling and barking like a dog, police said. Marusak's kicking allegedly bent the cruiser door and caused more than $1,000 worth of damage to the cruiser's frame.
Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wendy Re: Manual Update Dear Webby. Hopefully you can help me again by shedding light on an email I got regarding the Conficker worm. When I put it in snopes, it took me to the CNN page where it described it. From what I understand it's mostly got to do with laptops and businesses. There was also a mention about the patch for MS - MS08-067. What can you tell me about this worm, and can you manually install the patch. My machine updates every time I turn it off every day, so I know no updates are getting installed. Thanks so much for all your knowledge that you share with us. Wendy Dear Wendy If you have the SP3 Blocker installed, just do a manual update If not, get the blocker from my tool box Once you have that blocker installed, it is safe to let Windows update automatically. You might want to also install the IE7 blocker, but they have the worst bugs in it fixed by now, and it is not as bad as it used to be. Also, as long as you are not handicapped with SP3, you can un-install IE7 and revert to IE6. If you have questions about the manual update settings, here is all the info: http://snipurl.com/axme7 Keep in mind that if you have half decent virus protection, that old worm will never make it through. By the time CNN writes about something, McAfee and the other big anti-virus companies have nailed it a week before. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that you always have you a headache next morning after wearing that suit!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Marking Clothes for Children I use dots to distinguish between clothing for children who are close in age or size. Simply use a permanent Magic Marker to dot clothing in an inconspicuous place. Mark one dot for the older child, two dots for the second oldest and so on. If an item can be passed to the next child, simply add a dot. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year old ran into our bedroom to wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us. About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody here has doorbells.... ... and they all work."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ancient Arabia
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Dear Webby: Safe Registry Fixers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  January 28, 2009

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. --- John Updike
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately she began flattering him outrageously. The guy liked the young lady, but was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent pitch. He was amazed when after 30 minutes she seriously proposed marriage. "Look," he said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other." "You're wrong," she smiled. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the back of the bank, where you have your account. I know all I need to know about you."
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Being able to turn your grandchildren into spoiled brats is God's reward for not murdering your children.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: Bandits

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 23 year old mechanic in Limbach-Oberfrohna, Germany. Roof Lander More pictures A Skoda ended up getting wedged in a church roof after flying 100ft through the air. The 23-year-old driver was reportedly speeding up a slope before the incident occurred. Firefighters spent two hours freeing the man at the Church of Our Lady in the village of Limbach-Oberfrohna, Germany. A police spokesman said: "The driver was very lucky. If he had been going a hair slower, he would have hit the 2-3 feet thick stone wall corner of the church, instead of the comparably soft roof." ------------ Since he was going way too fast to have a chance to make it around that corner, my guess is that either he was asleep, or his gas pedal was stuck.
A first-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?" The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!" Thinking that first grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how. "It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the 'y', and add 'i-e-s', " the daughter said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kay Re: Optimizer Dear Webby, Would this be a safe or even necessary program to download or even buy? Thanks for all the great information that you put on your newsletter. It is always the first email I go to everyday. Kay Dear Kay There are hundreds of programs that claim they can improve the registry. Most do more harm than good. The only one that I found to be safe and reliable and can wholeheartedly recommend without any reservation, is Registry Booster Have FUN! Dear Webby
My Grandmother is ninetyfive and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks straight out of the bottle.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Spray Bottles Save spray bottles for your own homemade cleaning products. Clean thoroughly as mixing some chemicals can create a dangerous gas. Remove the label and mark the bottle clearly to avoid mistakes (and keep out of the reach of children). Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small "hick town." So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he asked. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time, then smiled and said to the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hell Benders
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Dear Webby, is Windows 7 Beta safe?  



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  January 27, 2009

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'. --- Larry Hardiman If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Son: Why is Father singing to the baby so much tonight? Mother: He is trying to sing her asleep. Son: Well, If I were her, I'd pretend I was asleep.
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Judge to Husband: "I have heard all the testimony, reviewed the pleadings and given a lot of consideration to this case. Mr. Smith, I am going to give your wife $750.00 a month." Husband: "That's very generous of you, Your Honor. Whenever I get a little extra, I'll send her some money too."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet shortly. From the sounds of that he just got into the anesthetics and poisons."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Petru Susanu, 39, in Iasi, Romania Fugitive found - under mum's bed A 39-year-old man on the run for robbery in Romania has been found after four years - hiding under his mother's bed. Petru Susanu had used floorboards and carpet to make himself a cosy hideaway beneath his mum's double bed at the family home in Vladeni. But he was discovered when suspicious neighbours called the police after spotting his mother buying cigarettes and beer even though she didn't drink or smoke. "The shop keeper was immediately suspicious because his shop was one of the places he used to rob regularly and he always stole the same brand of cigarettes as she was buying," said a police source. Iasi police spokeswoman Virginia Pralea said: "The man had been on the wanted list for four years after fleeing following a conviction for robbery in 2005. Now Susanu is facing another four years shut away in jail for robbery.
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over lunch. "I do wish that my John would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous." My Fred used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit." "Really, how?" asked the first woman. "Easy, I hid his teeth."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: Is Windows 7 Beta safe? Dear Webby, Judging by the commercials and the hype, it looks like Windows 7 might be a better solution than Vista. Is it safe to install? Alex Dear Alex If you are a desperately bored experimenter and have a spare machine with 4 GB of Ram, and are prepared to format the drive of that spare machine after trying Windows 7, it may be OK. The only permanent damage reported so far is to older monitors. Keep in mind that it is NOT intended for a working, main or only computer. Have FUN! Dear Webby
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Leave Yourself a Message If you are out and want to remember something when you get home, call your answering machine or voice mail and leave yourself a message. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Petal Sensations
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Dear Webby: Mail like Reno 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  January 26, 2009

The human mind is easily fooled. We believe what we want to believe and recognize only those facts which conform to that belief. --- Francis Bacon
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music playing is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring at you, and that's when you realize you have been listening to your ipod.
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Miss Prissy was going over Melvin's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a 'dumb cluck' ."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: The worst part of winter in Michigan is almost over and we can see the deer wandering around now.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 29 year old man in White Rock, BC Toddler turned in dad Toddler 'grassed up' dad A Canadian marijuana grower was busted - after his 11-month-old son called the police. The 29-year-old man had given the little boy a phone to play with, reports the Globe and Mail. And the little lad accidentally dialled '911' bringing mounties calling to their home in White Rock, British Columbia. Officers, who thought somebody had called them then hung up, broke down the door when their knocks went unanswered. "The gentleman was quite surprised," said Constable Janelle Canning. The father insisted he hadn't called the police and claimed his son was far too young to have made the call, until officers saw him playing with the phone. "We saw him playing with the cordless phone and just pressing all the buttons, so evidently he had called 911," Const. Canning said. With that mystery solved, officers began inspecting the residence and soon discovered a 500-plant marijuana farm. The father was arrested and faces drugs charges. His young son was taken into care but later given back to his mother who does not live with the father.
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Twenty" said Murphy. So the fellow bought the twenty rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 12 rolls of wallpaper left over. "Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 12 left over!" "Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Mail like Reno Dear Webby, I have an email address at reno.com and I set it up to only receive mail from those that are in my address book. That is a realy neat tool. No Spam. The reason I am writing is because I only have 25mb for that address and was wondering if you knew of other email providers that have that tool? I typed various words in my search and couldn't find any. Maybe you know the correct words to type. Take Care Robert Dear Robert What you need is POP email. Then you can auto-forward your reno.com mail to your POP address, and keep nothing at all on reno.com. Reno will do the filtering for you, and your computer will store the filtered email. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Thanks to Lillemor for this: Headlines On This Date 4 Years Ago: "Republicans spending $42 million on inauguration while troops Die in Unarmored Humvees" "Bush extravagance exceeds any reason during tough economic times" "Fat cats get their $42 million inauguration party, Ordinary Americans Get the shaft" ----------------- Headlines Today: "Historic Obama Inauguration will cost taxpayers only $120 million" "Obama Spends $120 million on inauguration; America Needs A Big Party" "Everyman Obama shows America how to celebrate" Yep. There's just nothing like fair & unbiased coverage of the news !

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Nonstick Meatloaf With Bacon Here's a tasty way to keep meatloaf from sticking to the pan. Line your pan with a couple strips of bacon before putting the meatloaf in the pan. It's not cheap, but it sure tastes good. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One evening as a family was eating dinner, the mother knowing that her young son Johnnie had been telling lot's of lies as of late, announced that she had made arrangements for her son to go over to talk to their priest. The priest had a good reputation for helping people who were compulsive liars. The mother asks her son if he would go over to the parsonage to see the priest. So Johnnie being a very helpful kid went over. At answering the door the priest ask Johnnie if he was at church Sunday, of course he lied and said yes. "Well," said the priest, "I guess you seen what happened at church on Sunday?" "Yes" said Johnnie lying. "Well I guess you saw that big grizzly bear come through the front door and up the aisle grabbing people from their seats and eating them alive?" "Yeah" said Johnnie. "Well I guess you saw that little dog come in right behind him, and stare down that grizzly right in the middle of the church?" "Yeah" said Johnnie, lying again. After a few moments of silence the priest finally looked Johnnie straight in the eye and ask Johnnie if he honest to God believed that story. Johnnie replied, without a quiver, "I sure do preacher, that was my Dog!"
From Carol: WOW! Webby what is the story behind that incredible picture you used today? Like others, I can't "sign off" without thanking you and complementing you for your efforts and the way you benefit so many of us. Thanks! Carol Dear Carol I got the picture without any description, but the mountains that you see when you click on it to get the large version, look like it could be Northern Lights above the upper part of Whitehorse, Yukon.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Funny Chairs
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Dear Webby: How do I dump auto-replies? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  January 25, 2009

Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. --- Jules Renard It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. --- Woody Allen
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. When he finally gets home, he starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards. An empty pint bottle in his back pocket broke, and carved up his buttocks. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror and noticed the injury. He repaired the damage as well as he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered !" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Where it all began A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked; 'How did the human race start?' Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; They had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl went to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the Human race was created by God, And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.' The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, Sarah told you about her ancestors and Michelle told you about hers.'

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shawn L. Holden, 26, in Phoenix, AZ Fleeing suspect hides under parked truck, is run over The Associated Press Tucson, Arizona | Published: 01.21.2009 PHOENIX — A suspect who ran away from a traffic stop on Wednesday chose the wrong place to hide when he slipped under a parked moving truck — and then was run over when the driver pulled away. The Arizona Department of Public Safety says an officer stopped 26-year-old Shawn L. Holden in west Phoenix just before 7 a.m. after he ran a red light. Holden gave the officer his license, then ran away and disappeared behind a convenience store. As the officer searched for him, the moving truck driver got back in his truck and started to drive away, running over Holden. The officer stopped the truck and called help for his suspect, who complained of back pain. Holden had a suspended driver license and warrants for DUI and leaving an accident scene. He’ll be booked into jail after treatment.
Was it J.Edgar Hoover who once said: "Legalize crime, then tax them out of business!" ? The government of England seems to have been inspired by that and is taxing itself out of the taxing business. They have raised the tax on cigarettes so high that officially admitted over 1/3 (-but actually over 60%-) of the cigarettes smoked in the UK are smuggled and tax free cigarettes. Officially smoking has increased 6.5% in the last year. Since they probably didn't check with all the smugglers, that figure is probably closer to 10%. Since smoking is the leading cause of statistics, the unemployment rate is expected to drop accordingly, as more people find jobs in compiling statistics.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Amy Re: How do I dump auto replies? Dear Webby, you keep mentioning mailWasher. would that work to weed out mail from people, whom I need to keep in my white-list? I am at the West coast, so naturally some of my replies to the East coast office arrive there after their working hours. I really don't give a hoot whether they read their mail immediately, they never do anyway. I don't want to blacklist the silly ninnies, all I want to do is weed out their automatic replies, whenever they have gone potty or are not at their desk. Amy Dear Amy No problem at all with MailWasher. You simply make a filter that dumps anything with "auto" in the subject line. None of the ninnies are smart enough to change the subject line anyway, and if one of them does use some different wording, it is easy enough to add that to the filter. It's takes about 30 seconds to make a filter in MailWasher, a lot faster than adding chlorine to the gene pool. Have FUN! Dear Webby
During a phone conversation, my niece mentioned that she was taking a psychology course at university. "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," she replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Finding Cheap Plants Ask your neighbor if you can have a start or take a cutting of one of their plants. Start exchanging plants with family members. Check out your local farmer's market for plants and also advice. Plants you acquire locally will be better adapted to growing in your climate. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The other day I was waiting for a friend getting ready to go to a meeting. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick and all kinds of stuff I don't even know the names of, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Chinese New Year
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Dear Webby: Fake mail with my address as sender 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  January 24, 2009

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. --- Bob Edwards Language is the source of misunderstandings. --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
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Thanks to Carter for this story: Morris and Max both 89 yrs. old meet every morning in the park. Morris shows up just as Max is finishing his 4 mile run. Morris asks him. "What's your secret? I have to sit after walking half a block!" Max says, "I eat dark rye bread three times a day, I feel great, I can run and am still dating lots of women." Morris stops at the bakery on the way home and says, "You have any dark rye bread?" The lady at the counter says, "Yes." Morris says "Give me four loaves." The lady says, "Four loaves, it'll get hard." Morris says, "Why does everyone know about this stuff but me!"
Mount Saint Michel
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a burglar in Newcastle, NSW, Australia Crook in a hot tin roof An Australian burglar, who hid inside a tin roof when his victims came home unexpectedly, was caught after he fainted. After two hours, with the hot sun beating down, the thief could take no more and passed out, reports the Australian Daily Telegraph. Darren Young, wife Deslie and five of their six children were at their Newcastle home on the New South Wales coast, when the burglar made his spectacular appearance. In a shower of plaster and insulation, he slammed face-down into the hardwood floor and started groaning for help. Mr Young said: "I just heard this thunderous crash and thought it must be the kids doing something. "I ran in and there is this bloke lying there groaning. I didn't even realise where he had come from at that stage. I thought he must have been hiding in the cupboard." The intruder staggered outside before collapsing in the backyard, where the Youngs and neighbours held him until police arrived. The 28-year-old local man was taken to hospital with a broken wrist. He faces burglary charges.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A woman, her husband and their three rambunctious young sons were in their car waiting at a traffic light. The woman glanced over at the car next to them, noticing a blissfully happy mother with her baby daughter. Looking at her husband, she said, "As soon as I lose my weight from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter." The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of snacks and said, "Here, have another cookie."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cheryl Re: Fake mail from my address? Dear Webby, My email address is being used by spammers - I get junk in my inbox with my address as sender!! My spam seems to have doubled in quantity also. Has my computer been hijacked? Is it safe to use for banking etc ? I have an up to date virus protection from Trend Micro, use spybot search and destroy and Crap Cleaner regularly. Cheryl Dear Cheryl Not yours, but the computer of one of your friends or relatives is infected, and is sending spam to you with your address forged in as both the sender and recipient. In addition to that, the machine of that silly ninny has also fed your address to the master computers of that botnet, and you are getting spam from various zombie computers on that botnet. I have written about this a number of times. The solution is to use MailWasher and make a filter, that has your address both in the FROM and the TO field, but does not have "Cheryl" in the FROM field, and to flush any mail that it catches, into the trash, unseen. With MailWasher it is childishly easy to make filters like that. Because I have used the same addresses for about 15 years, and have them showing on many web sites, I get around 5000 mails per day. Thanks to MailWasher I only see the 100 - 200 that I actually need to see and answer. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Thanks to Cookie for this story: Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home .' 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.' 'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate. They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out. After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What the are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh Jeysus, ye tick sod, just take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cellphone To Make Shopping Easier Before you go shopping, write down the numbers of other stores that carry the products you are interesting in purchasing. That way you can call around to get competing price quotes and not have to drive to every store. Some stores have courtesy phones you can use too. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig too. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network. Scottish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. So they concluded that the ancient Scotts 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones under their kilts..
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Strange Stuff
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Dear Webby, is it safe to get rid of pagefile.sys? 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  January 23, 2009
Time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops!

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! --- Friedrich Nietzsche There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? --- Kin Hubbard
Thanks to Sandie for this story: It was this little girl's first day at a new school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, 'Happy Butt ..' The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. ' So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name?' And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.' The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, 'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.' Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, 'Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'
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Thanks to Dianne for this classic: This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and not a car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying. and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Thanks to Doug for sending this picture, taken by his buddy. Beartooth Mountain. west coast, about 15 miles behind Powell River
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Henry Farrell, 46, Boca Raton, Florida Woman arrested in bagel battery BOCA RATON, Fla. -- Police said a 46-year-old man was arrested for the 190th time in Florida this week. Authorities arrested Henry Farrell after he tried to carjack a man outside a Boca Raton coffee shop. Police said Farrell threatened to kill the man after he refused to give Farrell a ride. Officer Sandra Boonenberg, a police spokeswoman, said authorities have spent years dealing with Farrell, who "lives locally and apparently likes Boca Raton." Farrell is being held without bond on charges of carjacking, possession of marijuana and possession of paraphernalia. The man's mother said her son has struggled with severe mental illness since his teens and is diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ----------- Seems to prefer dope to his medication.
Marietta phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rhonda Re: pagefile.sys Dear Webby, I am running out of space on my hard drive! There is no frivolous stuff on it, but I work with large maps, and they take an awful lot of space. Until I fisnish this project, I won't be able to afford a new computer. While scrounging around looking for stuff to delete, I came across a file called pagefile.sys. It is 1500 MB in size. Is it safe to delete it? Thanks Rhonda Dear Rhonda The pagefile.sys is your virtual memory. Whenever the computer runs out of RAM, it parks stuff from the RAM in the virtual memory. For best performance, your virtual memory limit should be set to about twice the amount of RAM that you got. You can reduce it's size by closing every tab in every browser, closing the browsers, closing all programs, then run CrapCleaner and reboot afterwards. To zero pagefile.sys and totally clean it out, * click start * right click my computer * click properties * click advanced (tab) * under performance click settings * click advanced (tab) under virtual memory click change * click advanced There you can tell it to use NO paging file. Hit Apply and OK until you are out of that Chinese Firedrill. Reboot Repeat the whole rigmarole and tell it to use a paging file with a maximum of 512 MB. Performance wil be slower, but you will gain some space. If more space is all you need, get an external USB hard drive. Tigerdirect.com has a 160 Gigabyte External Hard Drive, that just connects to a USB port, for $60. For $120 you can get a 1 TERAbyte (1000 Gigabyte) External Hard Drive. Since your project depends on those maps, it would be a good idea to use a new and dependable drive for storing your data. The only method even safer than that, is to upload your work to a web site. You can use a cheap $2.50 sub-domain for that. Even if your house gets flooded, your data will be safe, thousands of miles away. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Why do Jewish men so often become doctors? Because a doctor can order a woman to undress without guilt, he can look at her without fear of being interrupted, and on best of all, it's usually her husband that pays for it all.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Club Soda Blot the stain then pour club soda directly on it and wait 5 seconds. Scrub the area with a damp sponge. For stains on carpet, put a towel on the top of the area with a book on top of it to soak up the moisture. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well, uhhh, ok, but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mill Towers & Smokestacks
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Dear Webby: Mixed XP-Vista network 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  January 22, 2009


It is bad luck to be superstitious. --- Socrates An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. --- Benjamin Franklin
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
Osceola, NY Jan 19/2009
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Cassady Catolico, 28, St Petersburg, Florida Woman arrested in bagel battery ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they have arrested a woman accused of battery after she allegedly used a bagel to hit a man in the head. Investigators said Cassady Catolico, 28, was arrested in St. Petersburg after she allegedly struck Steven Bunaisky with a bagel at about 2:18 a.m. Sunday, the St. Petersburg Times reported. The arrest report said Catolico is also accused of violating a temporary injunction that Bunaisky filed against her last week and violating her probation from a 2006 criminal mischief case.
While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, she busied myself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already house trained."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joyce Re: Laptop to desktop and printing Dear Webby, My sister has a new HP laptop with Vista. She has bought a new HP printer & has connected it to her old HP desktop which runs XP. How can she send info from the laptop to the desktop to print? Thanks, Joyce Dear Joyce She will have to network the computers. The easiest way to do that is with a router. Connecting the XP Desktop to the router is quite straightforward. Run the Network Setup wizard (found in Control Panel of XP) Adding Vista may work similarly, but most people seem to have some problems with that. For Vista problems she will have to contact Microsoft. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens blaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief. "No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled about what is down here, would you have rescued me?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Replacing Wax Toilet Rings If you see water forming around your toilet, you probably have a damaged wax toilet ring, which creates a seal between your toilet and the sewer pipe (toilet flange). The wax ring is very easy to replace and will save you the nightmare of having to replace soggy subflooring down the road. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe sets Jim up to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Jim is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly and scary?" says Jim, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Jim knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: NASA Earth Observatory
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Driver for wireless receiver 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  January 21, 2009


Today is the 4th Anniversary since the Express Empress started answering Outlook Express related questions. She is doing it as a free volunteer service. If you want to thank and/or congratulate her, her address is 090101@fire-cat.com By the way, her site is at http://funk.fire-cat.com/ Thanks, Empress!
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by a rather scary looking older woman, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "All right," smiled the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me" said the girl. "It's my aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue and say AHH."
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A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jens Mauer, 41, in Brand, Germany Drunk survives being run over by train A German man survived being run over by an express train when drunk - after he passed out between the tracks. Jens Mauer, 41, who was five times over the drink drive limit, tried to cross the tracks at Brand, eastern Germany, just as the train thundered into the station. But he collapsed on the sleepers and was so drunk the train passed over him as he lay comatose below. Station staff pulled him to safety where paramedics treated him for minor cuts and bruises, which had not been caused by the train
"Anni caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said Sam. "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend. "No, that's not what made her the maddest," Sam chuckled. "It's not?" asked the friend. "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Penny Re: Driver for wireless receiver Hi Webby, I need help. I have another computer ( 2nd hand) that I want to install the internet on. I have a wireless receiver that was on my son's computer until he moved out. I Just CANNOT find the start up disk!!! I have NO clue what happened to it. I finally found a Linkskys site, but Norton keeps telling me it's a HIGH Risk. What do I do??? Do I have to buy another wireless receiver??? I look forward to your daily e-mail, the jokes and pictures are great. I have saved some of your e-mails for the tech tips. The frugal tips are good too. Thanks for your help. Penny Dear Penny If you go to http://www.linksysbycisco.com, it is perfectly safe, no matter what Norton says. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body. I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom. Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting The Right Portion of Meat Most supermarkets have butchers available who can provide you with specific amounts of beef, chicken or seafood. For example, if you only need one chicken breast for a recipe, they can provide it for you, and it normally costs the same price per pound as you will find in the meat displays. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Boy Toys
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Dear Webby: MS Office onto XP machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  January 20, 2009


The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson Fitting for Jan 20/09
Heard on the plane: From the granny in the "Scare North" parka (the stewardess): "They remembered to put the gas cap on today, so we won't be doing the usual circling back to the airport. Which is unfortunate, because they forgot to put the cap on the coffee thermos." And from the pilot shortly afterward: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... They will be on the next flight." One time in the 70s when they were still using their drafty see-through DC3 from Whitehorse to Dawson City, Dennis the pilot was in a serious looking conference with the stewardess and then came walking back, looking pointedly at the bright red toolcase on the floor between my feet and asked: "Does anybody by any chance have a 3/4" wrench?" I was on my way to fix a big generator and certainly did have all the wrenches with me. Nobdoy dared to breathe, but most started silent prayers. I quietly handed him a 3/4" wrench. He went back to the stewardess. She handed him a beer. In those days the beer still had crown-caps instead of screw-tops. He grabbed the bottle tighly around the neck with one hand, leveraged the wrench over his thumb and expertly popped the cap. Seems they had forgotten the bottle opener on that trip, and by the time we reached Dawson City the stewardess got pretty good at opening beer with a wrench.
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A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." Then the teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dr Richard Batista, 49, from New York Surgeon demands kidney back from ex-wife A New York surgeon who donated a kidney to his wife has gone to court to get it back after they split up. Dr Richard Batista, 49, gave up the organ eight years ago when his wife Dawnell fell ill, reports the Daily Telegraph. But he claims she repaid his kindness by having an affair before filing for divorce, and is demanding compensation for risking his life. "There's no deeper pain you can ever express than to be betrayed by the person you devoted your life to," he told reporters. His lawyer Dominic Barbara said he wanted $1.5 million in compensation for the kidney as part of a matrimonial break-up which has dragged on for three years. "In theory we are asking for the return of the kidney. Of course, he wouldn't really ask for that, but the value of it. This has never been done before in the State of New York," said Mr Barbara. Dr Batista volunteered to donate his kidney after he was found to be a suitable match. "She was my wife. My first priority was to save her life and future of our children and hopefully with that in mind keep the marriage alive. To this day I would still do it again," he said. His wife survived but their relationship did not and the doctor claimed his wife had an affair before filing for divorce in 2005. Mrs Batista's lawyer has made no comment. Legal experts said the case was unlikely to succeed because donating an organ is considered a gift and cannot be bought or sold.
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. With his pockets bulging with golf balls he carefully lowered himself onto a seat next to a little old lady . The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls." She loked at him full of pity and compassion and asked: "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mellie Re: MS Office onto XP machine Dear Webby I recently purchased a new emachine from walmart. It came with XP preloaded, but it doesn't have microsoft office. I have a legal, numbered copy of xp, and would like to load office onto my computer from it. Will it erase any of my settings, or personal preferences, namely my IP address, and the wireless internet settings?? Thanks, mellie Dear Mellie MS Office is just an after-market program. It won't affect the Operating System settings, but USE those settings, that are set in the Operating System. The same applies if you install Open Office. Be very careful and make sure the CD you use to install MS Office is indeed the MS-Office CD, and not the XP set-up CD. They look fairly similar. If you accidentally use the old XP-Setup CD, you wipe out the eMachine's custom XP. Since the future is with Open Office, which is free, you might want to download that directly onto the eMachine. You don't need a CD for it, and it won't mess with your XP Operating system. Have FUN! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Blocked Sender List 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  January 19, 2009


People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust. --- E. B. White
The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!", replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch as usual, and we'll sober him up in the morning."
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Georgina likes sitting in the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought half a loaf of bread that had gone a bit moldy to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone. Then suddenly a man rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere, when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. After staring at him for a few seconds, she handed him the remaining bread and said: "Since you are so full of hot air and good advice, I'll let you take this to Africa"
Thanks to Lillemor for this: If you want a larger version of that, click here If you want the 3.3 MB PDF file for printing wall calendars up to poster size, go to http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_dec2008/ ... ar2009.htm and make a donation to http://www.owlcanada.ca/ ( Orphaned Wild LifeRehabilitation and Release Society )
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Daniel Axford McKeever, 30, from California Police dog pulls suspect from under car BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- Police in Boulder, Colo., said a man suspected of skipping out on his restaurant tab had to be dragged out from under a car by a police dog. Investigators said Daniel Axford McKeever, 30, who is from California, is suspected of fleeing restaurant Sushi Zanmai without paying a $15 tab Monday, the Boulder Daily Camera reported Wednesday. McKeever, who allegedly used a wooden stick to strike a bus boy while fleeing the restaurant, was found hiding under a car eight blocks from Sushi Zanmai, officers said. They said McKeever refused to come out, even after they fired "several" pepper balls under the vehicle. Police said they approached the car with a dog and told McKeever he would be forced out if he did not emerge. McKeever did not respond and the dog bit him on the leg and forced him to come out, the report said. McKeever reportedly told police he ran from the restaurant because he had forgotten his wallet, but police said they found his wallet on him. "It must have just appeared," he allegedly told officers.
My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited to participate in this memorable event."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joyce Re: Blocked Sender List Dear Webby What is the difference between a black list or block sender list. I have just been blocking them. Does that slow down your computer to download your e-mail. Right now i don't get to many junk or spam mail since i started this. Please let me know. Thanks for helping Joyce Dear Joyce The more closely a new program copies an already established one, the more likely they are going to use new names for the same things instead of known ones. Your "block sender list" is indeed the same as what has been called "black list" for the last 30 years. Keep that list small and just block known individuals, not spammers that never forge the same sender address twice. That will keep that list short and fast. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of gas and the anesthetic nurse had to bean him with her boot."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com 20% Down on New Cars When buying a new or used car from a dealer, make a down payment of at least 20%. That will be a enough to cover taxes and most of the vehicles first year depreciation. Dealerships will gladly sell you a car with less down, but that will leave you with negative equity for years. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hand Feeding birds
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Dear Webby: Slowdown due to blacklist 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  January 18, 2009


Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions. --- Cullen Hightower You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. --- James Thurber
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
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Fred's wife asked him to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. He went and looked around and couldn't find any. So he grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at him and said, "No, Sir. You'll have to do that yourself."
Thanks to Lillemor for these pictures of today's meteor: This just happened in SW Sweden. Lillemor
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Australia's Minister for Defence Personnel Warren Snowden and MP Bob Baldwin Sniveling Ninnies destroying Australian Navy An Australian Navy submarine commander is in trouble for suggesting women sailors wearing bikinis would boost recruitment. Commander Tom Phillips also revealed the submarine equivalent of the "mile-high club" is the "going down club". When asked: "If female sailors all had to be hot and had to wear bikinis, would that help recruitment?" the commander was quoted as replying: "It would certainly get the right demographic of young men in. I'm not sure how feasible it is, however." The country's opposition and feminist groups have taken exception to the article, demanding action. Australia's Minister for Defence Personnel Warren Snowden said the comments were "utterly unacceptable". "If these comments are to be attributed to this newly-appointed commander, I think it will go down as one of the shortest careers in naval history," MP Bob Baldwin said. Australia's navy is suffering a recruitment crisis and had to stand down for two months over Christmas because there were not enough sailors. --------------- If the current trend continues, bragging about their sniveling ninnies will be the only naval defense left.
When Jean arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling her that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk." "I don't understand that," Jean replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?" The teacher went on to reassure her that her daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Blacklist Dear Webby My mail download has really slowed down. Gramma told me I should get rid of my blacklist, but couldn't give me any reason other tha "Dear Webby said so!" What's the story with the blacklist? Darlene Dear Darlene. Gramma is right. The blacklist should either not be used at all, or very sparingly for very few select people, like ex spouses or stalkers. Don't use it for spammers, and make sure your filters don't automatically blacklist spam that they have caught. If spam has already been caught by a filter, there is absolutely no point in cluttering up the blacklist with it. If you are using MailWasher, you can age off spam in a day or for example three days. If there is no spam from an address in that period, then that address is weeded out. Except for forging your address as the sender, spammers usually don't use the same sender address twice. The blacklist won't help you there. It is best to either dump it, or age it off, and then just use it for stalkers and exes. Have FUN! Dear Webby
College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?" Father (beaming): "I certainly do." College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Shampoo Rugs Shampoo rugs at least once a year. Consult your manufacturer's specifications for what type of cleaning equipment and/or detergents are appropriate for your type of carpet. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Commonly Mis-Spelled
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Dear Webby: Old XP machine for business use 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  January 17, 2009


The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. --- Arthur C. Clarke If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech. --- W. Somerset Maugham
A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ."
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Historic Windsor Castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourists was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude, making a tremendous noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mackay in Australia Man with Dildo Uses it to Beat Woman then Kills Dog Shaun Michael Burke, 38, from Mount Pleasant in Mackay, and a 21-year-old woman allegedly broke into a Mackay home at 3am (AEST) on Monday. Shaun Michael Burke was wearing a black leather mask and carrying a large dildo wrapped in duct tape and proceeded to attack the 49 yr. old woman in the house. He hit the woman in the head and face bruising her. He then grabbed her dog and taped it to a tree in a park nearby whereby the dog subsequently died from asphyxiation. The woman's mother and her 19 year old son, who witnessed the attack, fled the house. Mr Burke's lawyer told the court his client, who is married and has children, would face financial troubles if he remained in jail, as he would be unable to work and pay his mortgage. Magistrate Ross Risson refused Burke bail, deeming him an unacceptable risk to the complainant. Police have charged the pair with robbery with violence, wilful killing of an animal, entering a dwelling with intent, common assault and wilful damage.
Miss Figpot was giving a lesson to her first grade class. "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?" She asked Little Johnny jumped up and announced to the class, "VERY big hands...!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donna Re: Old XP for business use? Dear Webby Dad's health got better and he wants to re-start his business. I have an old computer from around 2000, with XP on it, that got parked in 2002. Would that one be strong enough to handle regular business stuff? Thanks Donna Dear Donna Yes, sure! Just open the lid, vacuum out the dust bunnies and spider webs, and it will be fine. Don't be surprised, if it handles business applications faster than your Vista machine. Have FUN! Dear Webby
"I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reinforcing Drawers You can reinforce dresser or desk drawers by cutting small rectangular pieces of wood and screwing them into the back corners of the drawers. For the workshop or garage, where drawers tend to get overloaded with tools, the best way to re-inforce them is with roof flashing. That is thin galvanized sheet metal that comes in rolls, is surprisingly cheap, and can be cut with tin snips, garden shears or scissors. Cut 2 inch wide strips the length and width of the drawers. Use a door to kink the strips into "L" shape like angle iron. You are really going to be surprised how easy that works and get annoyed that you never thought of that. Then glue the strips around the outside bottom corners of the drawers with Goop or a similar household glue. When the glue has set, anchor the tin with little picture nails, shoe nails or brads. Drawers re-inforced like that will last just as long as metal workshop drawers, even if they started out as cheaply made kitchen drawers. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny walked up to the front of he class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well,the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "I don't know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, the man next door shot himself, and Father Hibberd across the street took off for a mission in Africa."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Health Wise
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Dear Webby: XP on a Quad Core computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  January 16, 2009
Wear somthing red today,
to show your support for the troops!


Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. --- H. L. Mencken The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch. --- Michael Friedman
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to complaining patients from morning 'til night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and un- bothered when it's over?" The older analyst replied:"Sorry, I can't hear a thing. The battery in my hearing aid went dead years ago."
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A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United." Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" John answered, "Mom."
Thanks to Walter for this picture of a polar bear attack in Churchill, Manitoba :
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Miroslaw Dabrowski, 32, in Warsaw, Poland Crook hid in carpet A crook tried to dodge a police search by disguising himself as a carpet. The robber rolled himself up in a giant rug and propped himself up against a balcony wall while cops searched his aunt's flat in Warsaw, Poland, after he held up a cosmetics shop. He was only found after a two hour search when a fed up detective went out onto the balcony for a smoke and noticed the carpet was trembling. Miroslaw Dabrowski, 32, is now facing 12 years in jail for armed robbery.
Tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. Tell a woman something, it goes past both of her ears. Whisper something near a woman, it goes in in both her ears and comes out of the mouth of every woman in town.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: David Re: XP on Quad Core Dear Webby I'm thinking about building a new computer as a home theater PC and gaming PC. I thinking about putting one of those new AMD Quad Core Phenom II in it. I want to use Windows XP Pro as the operating system. Can XP run a Quad Core and take full advantage of it's abilities? Thanks, David Dear David Yes, sure. The drivers come with the board. AMD would not paint themselves into the 14% dunce corner. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted wall.The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see where my husband put his hand last night? "He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Lettuce Store lettuce with a paper towel and it will last longer. The paper towel will absorb moisture. If you are storing lettuce in a container, line the bottom of the container with a layer of paper towels. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two voices, male and female, on an overnight "red eye" plane flight: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty. No one is looking. You go in first" "It's a bit cramped, let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on" Sniff sniff "Ah perfume! You think of everything." "This is great..." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by the Government that YOU elected. Now, put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector...!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Food Coloring
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Dear Webby: Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  January 15, 2009


Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think. --- Benjamin Disraeli If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. --- Mo Udall Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. --- Jim Horning
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
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was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist. 's comment was: "A bit airy...." Hearing this, the girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect ..... feathers?!"
Thanks to Deeli for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Miss Sam Stevens in Hamilton, NZ Sent in by Eric Mother mad about provoked dog not destroyed A large dog, which bit a Hamilton boy, will not be put down because animal control staff say the child provoked the dog by pulling on its testicles. The boy's mother, Sam Stevens wants the dog destroyed after it caused facial injuries to her son Caine, 3, when it bit him at a Hamilton house on December 29. But Hamilton City Council has stood by the decision of its animal control staff, who say the neapolitan mastiff-cross dog was provoked. The child had been warned not to grab the dog's testicles again. As part of the animal control investigation, two independent witnesses said they had seen the boy deliberately leave the house and harm the dog by squeezing its testicles. The investigation also revealed the child had been involved in two previous incidents of animal cruelty. The dog has a clean record. Miss Stevens is the sister of the dog owner's EX girlfriend.
Joe's daughter's eighth grade history class planned a visit to the US capital. Unfortunately, she was not greatly enthusiastic about a trip that she considered too "educational". However, on their return, Joe was pleased to hear how she and her classmates had been filled with awe and emotion as they gazed at the Washington Monument. "To think, dad," she marveled. "We were standing right where Forrest Gump stood."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Windows 7 Dear Webby There is a lot of advertising around claiming that Windows 7 is better than Vista. Is there any truth to that, or just the usual lies, like the ones about Vista being better for business than XP? Dianne Dear Dianne Same lies. Windows 7 starts up faster because it does not pre-load half of Internet Explorer and Microsoft Office during start-up, but really wastes your time later. For work, it is even slower than Vista. Unless you are a desperately bored experimenter, stay away from it. Unless you have a Quad processor machine with 4 GB of RAM, Windows 7 probably won't run on it anyway. If you want a faster machine without spending money, save your data to a DVD, format it with XP, install the SP3 blocker and update it from 2000 to 2009, and refrain from installing utilities that claim they would make your machine run better. It will be as fast as it was the day you bought it. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! By the way, who are you?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Hardwood Floors The best tool I have found for daily maintenance of my hardwood floors is a good vacuum cleaner. Mine has a low setting made for flat floors and it works well for pet hair, dust and paw prints. Make sure you let muddy paw prints dry before trying to vacuum. I use a wide dustmop and then finish with an old fashioned big string mop dampened with vinegar and water. If there are bad spills, I spray them with Watkins Citrus cleaner before the damp mopping. It doesn't dull the shine, produces a fresh smell, and it doesn't make a racket like the vauum cleaner. Have FUN! DeaWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "Noooo,...she explained, "he tried to move the wet laundry from the washer into the dryer all by himself."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Barcelona Miniatures
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, what is a .ini file? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  January 14, 2009


Be the change you want to see in the world. --- Mahatma Gandhi Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. --- W. C. Fields
A teacher was upset that one little boy was swearing in class. "Todd," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear those words?" "My daddy says that," Todd replied. "Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "I don't want to hear that language in here again." Turning away, the teacher muttered "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too!" the little boy replied. "It means the car won't start!
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A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?" His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The Scot goes: "Are my children here?" "Yes, daddy, we are all here." say the children. The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say: "Yes, we are all here..." The Scot gets up and says: "If nobody is sneaking into my whiskey, then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Adela Lupse, Romania TV presenter threw tantrum A Romanian TV station has been fined after the presenter on a live phone in quiz show threw a tantrum when no viewers called in. Presenter Adela Lupse started screaming at the camera, smashed the phone on the ground and then jumped up and down on it. At the same time she screamed repeatedly at the camera: "I want the phone to ring now. Now. Call me now!" Angry TV bosses fired her after the outburst on TV station National TV. Ms Lupse, who has been the show's presenter for three years, said: "Maybe I was a bit over the top but I wanted to get people to call - there is a lot of pressure to get people to call in with the correct answer. It was a bad day." Romanian TV watchdog, the National Audiovisual Council of Romania, failed to see the funny side and fined the station £1,000 for "unjustified violence". It also ruled that the show be slapped with an X rating and only be broadcast after 10pm when children are in bed.
Doctor: "Have you ever been troubled by appendicitis?" Patient: "Only when I've tried to spell it."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Duane Re: What's a .ini file? Dear Webby I use Incredimail and just in the last day or two, I can't get VIP support and that's the message I get. It says can't read application ini. I can't even get in touch with them to correct it. Duane Dear Duane A .ini file holds the settings for a program. Don't mess with it. Sounds like something trashed your Incredimail .ini file. Quite possibly that .ini file also contained a serial number that you need to get VIP support. Try calling them. If you can't contact them, try re-installing Incredimail. That will generate a new .ini file. Keep in mind, though, all your settings and preferences went south of the border with the trashed .ini file. Have FUN! Dear Webby
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" "Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank." "Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dining Out For Less You don't need to pick the most expensive restaurant to have a romantic meal. Pick a restaurant that has significance to you and your partner; like the place you had your first date. Even fast food can be romantic with the right person. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "OOOPS!."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Landmark Buildings
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Dear Webby, What is a TIF and is it safe? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  January 13, 2009


A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy, who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. ---Don Quinn I never know how much of what I say is true. --- Bette Midler
On a recent flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in the air-sickness bag that they so kindly provide, though in the last 30 years I have never seen anybody use them for anything other than saving un-eaten food for later, usually to eat while hiding in a quiet corner of the airport and having a smoke or two during the wait for the next plane. When I exited the plane a stewardess asked me: "Sir, would you like me to dispose of that for you?" As usual, I grinned and told her: "Oh, No ! I'm saving it. I got plans for that."
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offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. arrived in time to prepare breakfast and laid a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast," said the eight-year-old. So, , very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits and laid them in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said. "But I thought you said your mother always prepares hot biscuits for breakfast!" said in surprise. "She does," said the child. "But I never eat them."
From my office window
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Kane, 34, of Scranton, PA Man convicted of chainsawing door SCRANTON, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man has been convicted of four criminal counts after a court heard how he damaged his neighbor's door with a chainsaw. Robert Kane, 34, of Scranton was found guilty Tuesday of attempted burglary, attempted criminal trespass, terroristic threats and recklessly endangering another person, The (Scranton) Times-Tribune reported. Kane, who was jailed in lieu of $20,000 bail, could face up to 37 years in prison when he is sentenced. The court heard Kane knocked on neighbor Jamie Zaleski's door March 5 and ordered him to "open the door, or I'll cut it down." Zaleski and several friends fled out the back door of the home after Kane began cutting through the front door with a chainsaw, the court heard. The chainsaw left a gash from the bottom of the door to about halfway up.
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" Without hesitation, his father said, "Oh, about half of them."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Karolyn Re: What's a TIF ? Dear Webby I received some files with a .TIF extension. Are they safe and what are they? Thanks Karolyn Dear Karolyn TIF or TIFF files are usually pictures, but they can also be archives of multiple pictures. When sending or receiving faxes, you usually wind up with a TIF file that contains all the pages of that fax. TIFF is an old format that was agreed on in the mid 80's to have a common format for word processors and faxes. Because it can be an archive of enclosed files, it is not completely safe and is in use for executing malicious code on iPhone and iPod Touch. On computers, where you normally view it with more robust graphics software, TIF seems to be quite harmless. TIF is rarely used for high quality graphics, except on Macs, but is quite common in Apple based page lay-out software and desktop publishing programs. Have FUN! Dear Webby
The psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the speaker, "Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation." "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddy-up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kitchen Utensils In a Drawer When storing kitchen utensils (spoons, spatulas, etc.) in a drawer, having the handle facing towards the back of the drawer. That way you can easily see what utensils you have since many have similar looking handles. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he said. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Photographic Society
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Dear Webby: HTTP versus HTTPS 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  January 12, 2009


The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one. --- Joan Baez
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
Thanks to Martin for this picture: Got disqualified from "Best decorated house", again.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jay Cowell, Elizabeth City, NC Hair Brained ELIZABETH CITY, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina 8th grader said he was forced to get a haircut after school administrators said a star shape in his hair was a gang symbol. Jay Cowell said officials at River Road Middle School in Elizabeth City told him he had to change his hairstyle because the star shape could be interpreted as a gang sign, WAVY-TV, Portsmouth, Va., reported Wednesday. "It was a really nice design and they're going to make me take it out of my head," Cowell said. He said the design was "for God and all the stuff he made on the Earth." Cowell's mother, Natasha, said she met with the principal of the school and the district superintendent. "The only thing they kept saying is 'we know Jay,' so we know what this means, so we're not suspending him, but he can't return until it's gone," she said. The star image was designed by Rondell Parker, the boy's barber. "His mom told me he's an A/B student, so I thought of something that could be in the sky for him, reaching for the sky," Parker said. Cowell returned to school Tuesday afternoon after a haircut. ----------- The rules against any sign that could be interpreted or misinterpreted as a gang sign and lead to violence, are for his protection, no matter how boneheaded his mother is.
I was recovering from leg surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated." Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer. I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?" She hesitated. "Uhhh, it means your head was cut off?" "Yes. Click"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn, Sharon, others Re: HTTP versus HTTPS Dear Webby; I wanted to run this by you & see if it is true about the duifference in HTTP & HTTPS. You have been a big help in the past & I don't want to pass on something that may not be true. Thanks so much for your advice. Have a purrfect day, Sharon If they ask for your bra size, weight, age, or credit card info, insist on https AND a closed badlock at the bottom of the browser. If they are not asking for any private info, go for the faster http. It is the same on my site. You can read the Dear Webby Humor Letter in the regular mode, but if you went into the shopping cart to buy something, then you would be in the slow secure mode with the padlock at the bottom. AND a closed badlock is actually the important part. HTTPS without a closed padlock is totally meaningless, and could be a sign of crooks trying to swindle you into believing that they have a secure certificate, even though they don't. Secure certificates are only sold to legitimate companies. Have FUN! Dear Webby
John's barn burned down and his wife, Sandy, called the insurance company. Sandy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Sandy replied, "If that's how it works, cancel the life insurance policy on my husband!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Worksheets A great way to get more life out of worksheets is to use the clear plastic sheets made for overhead projectors on top of the worksheet. Then fill out the worksheet using pens made for overhead projectors. You can clean off the sheets and use them again and again. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman............ Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wonders of the deep
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Newsletters show in weird formats 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  January 11, 2009


The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation. --- Benjamin Disraeli If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. --- Hermann Hesse
In the good old days.... Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle buzzing around within rifle range of the mountains to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy old moon. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you just had to hope your axe was better than his. In my day you couldn't take basket weaving or acting instead of math. And that was before they invented calculators! If you couldn't calculate the trajectory of an intercontinental missile, well, then you just repeated Grade 6 until you could. In my day, we didn't have school buses. We had to hitch a ride on a dinosaur or wooly mammoth, or walk to school 10 Miles, and it was all uphill. Both ways! And all we had for traction in winter was barb wire wrapped around our bare feet. We didn't have Internet. All we had for arranging dates were smoke signals from the garbage burning barrel, and for long chats we had to go steal the neighbor's garbage!
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When John returned to the house one evening, his wife Mary announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said John very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Mary said. "They were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel in Hawaii."
Thanks to Ralph for this picture: A pair of Whooping Cranes. Picture taken near Rockport Texas. Latest population count of Whoopers is around 270. Ralph
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Feliks Goldshtein, 24, of Highland Heights, Ohio Sent in by Ross Masked man waited in line to rob Ohio bank STOW, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio man may have tipped off his intentions when he stood in line at a bank wearing a ski mask before staging a holdup. Police in Stow say Feliks Goldshtein of Highland Heights was arrested Thursday following a brief car chase. Police say the teller asked the man to take off the mask before being served. The man displayed what turned out to be a toy gun and demanded money from the teller. He made off with an undisclosed amount. Police Captain Rick Myers says it's unusual for a masked robber to wait in line at a bank. The 24-year-old man remained jailed Friday on charges of aggravated robbery and failure to comply with a police order.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the Big pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the little pink pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jim Re: Receiving newsletters in weird format Dear Webby, I am getting dear webby in this format. Tell me how to change it to the regular format. Thanks Jim Dear Jim Chat the Earthlink support and get them to walk you through the required steps to make it look EXACTLY like what you see at http://webby.com/humor Use their live chat, not the support phone. Their support is in India, and they can type English MUCH better than they can speak it. When it looks EXACTLY the same, then your settings are right again. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Recently, in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Securing Buttons When you buy a new shirt with buttons, put a dab of clear nail polish in the center of each button on the front and back. The nail polish will seal the threads and the button will stay on much longer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." Father Markus rose to close the session and remarked, "That's quite okay. We all like big boobs."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: California Wild Flowers
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Dear Webby: Spelling Chequer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  January 10, 2009


A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. --- Wilson Mizner The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. -- Lucille Ball Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. -- John Russell
The young lady walked over to the hospital room where she knew her friend was. "May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door. "We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?" "Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the young lady. "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman. "I'm his mother!"
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A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than half of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill up. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The man replied, "$1.19." ---- Don't worry about those gas prices. They still use Imperial Short Gallons there (about 15 27/32 cups plus a sip). However those are not regular cups. US cups are about 1 3/7th espresso cups, so that works out to 3 and 29/37th of a Liter or 3.785 Liters.
If you want to talk about Gullible Warming, don't do it in Tok Alaska! It's -80 there. http://livingintok.wordpress.com I used to live a few hours from Tok, but -65 was the coldest there, in those days before Gullible Warming.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Grlic, 38 in Nova Varos, Serbia Armed robber tried to pay off overdraft An armed robber was arrested after he held up a bank - and returned minutes later to pay off his overdraft. The man ran into the Kredi Bank in the Serbian ski resort Nova Varos wearing a balaclava and brandishing a shotgun and demanded tellers hand over all the cash they had. He got the equivalent of £30,000 in cash and then ran out of the bank. Staff were still recovering from the shock of the robbery when Grlic, this time without his balaclava, walked back in to settle his overdraft. Sharp-eyed staff recognised the distinctive trainers he'd been wearing and called police. A police spokesman said: "The man had been wearing bright red trainers and everyone remembered them distinctly when they saw him run out of the bank. "They could not believe their eyes when they saw a man wearing the same shoes come back in and kept him in the bank talking about his overdraft while our officers arrived." The man, aged 33, has now been charged with armed robbery.
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea, It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: SP3 Dear Webby, I have a question pertaining to windows SP3. Should i download it and does it sneak in IE7? Thanks again for all the great info. Have a great day! Jaye Dear Jaye SP3 works on OK on SOME computers, and trashes all others. XP - SP2 works just fine, and there is absolutely no need for SP3.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood Tips: Storing Firewood Try not to store wood for more than a year once it's dried. This isn't a hard and fast rule. You can store dry wood for more than a year but at some point it will start to rot and collect tons of insects. Make sure to use your oldest wood first. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"We live in a great country," the kindergarten teacher said. "One of the reasons we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said . . . "I'm not free. I'm four!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Georgian Bay, Ont
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Windows 7 Beta 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  January 9, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!

EzineFinder is working again, but it looks like we lost half of the 
daily voters! Did you stop voting, or is it a problem at Ezinefinder?

Have FUN!
DearWebby.


If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. --- Dorothy Parker
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow." The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"
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Gina was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where her husband was stationed in the military. As she checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked her some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. Gina told him that her mother-in-law had given her a parcel to take to her son. He looked at Gina very carefully and very slowly and deliberately asked: "Does she like you?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Petra Hirsch of Grevenbroich, Germany Woman dialled 999 with crossword clue Police sent a caller off with more than just a cross word when she dialled 999 to ask for the answer to five down. The angry officer, in Grevenbroich, Germany, spelled out that clueless caller Petra Hirsch would be facing a charge of wasting police time if she didn't clear the line. Hirsch said: "I had finished the crossword except for this one answer and I was totally stumped. I had looked all over the internet and asked friends. It was really bothering me. "The clue was for the full name of a police border protection unit so I thought they would not mind helping and I called the hotline - but they were really rude. "All I wanted was a bit of help and it would only have taken them a second to tell me the answer but instead I got told to get off the line." A police spokesman said: "It is called an emergency number for a reason - to deal with emergencies. Crossword solutions are not an emergency."
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of a child's temper tantrum at the supermarket last 20 times as long as the two hours of her nap time.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Windows 7 Dear Webby, This information came from the "Kim Komando Daily News" of 1/08/09. I am using Windows XP Home SP 2. Any comments about downloading Windows 7. Thank you, Bob Dear Bob To reduce cussing, wait for Windows 7.2 Beta versions are for seriously bored experimenters. Have FUN! DearWebby
Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas and bought a donkey for $100 from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night." "Sacri-Bleu" said Boudreaux, "den gimme my money back." "I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "Hi ham gon-to raffle him off." "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!" "Well dats where you wrong.! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!" A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "Hi raffled dat donkey off. Hi sold 1000 tickets at two dollar apiece and made too towsend buck. Dat was enough for a old JonDeere with a bucket, an hi use dat to bury your dead donkey." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Jus dat guy who won. So Hi give him his two dollar back. You got any more donkey?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Socks for the Family Instead of using those plastic over-the-door shoe organizers for shoes, I use mine to organize our socks! After taking the socks out of the dryer, I just roll them up and place a pair in each pocket of the shoe organizer. I do this with pantyhose and knee-highs too. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Chris for this story: After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, "'Do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Baby Animal Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: FTP Programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  January 8, 2009

EzineFinder works again!
They lost 5 1/2 days of voting, but at least it works again.
Hopefully you didn't get out of the habit of voting!
I sure do appreciate your votes. It shows me that I am not
wasting my time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby.


Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. --- Henry Thoreau:
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, what is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat in the morning..."
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A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope." "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope." "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope." Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I don't have to. I don't get lost."
Thanks to Joan for sending this:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Guido Beneventi, 30, in Palermo, Italy Convict prefers jail to parents A jailbird released early with an electronic tag has begged to go back to jail - because he can't stand living with his parents. Convicted thief Guido Beneventi, 30, had his sentence reduced on condition that he stayed at his mum and dad's home in Palermo, southern Italy. But he said that his parents constantly lectured him about his life of crime and then began ordering him around "like a child" and telling him to clean his room. After a string of rows, he broke his curfew to flee to police headquarters and demanded to be arrested. "You are my saviours," he told them as they sent him back to Ucciardone jail. "I just couldn't take another day with them. "They spent all their time telling me how useless I was and lecturing me about everything and ordering me to do housework. It was like being a child again. Prison was better."
Officers were being lectured about a new computer. The instructor said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks. Then he hollered, "There will be no eating or drinking in my class! Get rid of that coffee!" Joe inquired meekly "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill will wreck the Keyboard".
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erika Re: FTP Dear Webby, Which of the hundreds of FTP programs do you recommend for uploading files to my web site? I don't like using the "bimbo-proofed" uploader they got. Have you got anything that doesn't have ads or spyware included, and doesn't cost an arm and a leg? Thanks Erika Dear Erika FileZilla has made all other FTP programs obsolete. It is free, rock solid and full featured. Just go to my tool box and download it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pretreating Lipstick Stains If you get a lipstick stain on your clothing, try pretreating it with cold cream or shortening. Then rub a little grease fighting dish detergent into it and launder as usual. If all else fails, use some WD40, Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I tell them I'm just filling up the plate for you!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dixie
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is 7Zip OK ? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  January 7, 2009

EzineFinder works again!
They lost 5 1/2 days of voting, but at least it works again.
Hopefully you didn't get out of the habit of voting!
I sure do appreciate your votes. It shows me that I am not
wasting my time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby.


There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience. --- Anatole Broyard What luck for rulers that men do not think. --- Adolf Hitler
Thanks to Sandie for this classic: A man went on a ski trip and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot and we consider that a pre-existing condition."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Thanks to Jai for this one: A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the heck were you when I got married?"
Opening of the Harbin Ice Festival last night
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a skier in Vail, Colorado What really cracked me up is that I got news of this about 5 minutes after the Joke that Sandie sent in. Chair Lift Stripper JANUARY 6--In a bizarre incident a skier at Colorado's ritzy Vail resort was left dangling upside down and pantsless from a chairlift last Thursday morning. The January 1 mishap apparently occurred after the male skier, 48, and a child boarded a high-speed lift in Vail's Blue Sky Basin. It appears that the chairlift's fold-down seat was somehow not in the lowered position, which caused the man to partially fall through the resulting gap. His right ski got jammed in the ascending chairlift, and that kept him upended since his boot never dislodged from its binding. The Skyline Express lift was stopped shortly after the pair's botched boarding resulted in the man dangling from the lift. The exposed skier was stuck for about 7 minutes before Vail personnel backed the lift up and successfully dislodged the unidentified man from the four-seat chair. Pictures are at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... vail3.html ------------ Worldwide, there are over a Million people per day plunking their butts correctly onto chair lift seats. This guy might make it into the Guiness Book Of Records!
At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Then he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you ?"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eloise Re: 7 Zip Dear Webby, I wanted to download a free webpage and it saved it in zip, which I can not open. Is it ok to download 7-zip and when I looked at that site, I didn't know which on to pick. Eloise Dear Eloise personally, I just use WinZip. It has worked fine for the last dozen years or so. 7Zip is OK too. If I didn't have WinZip, I would probably use 7Zip myself. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you said ...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shoveling Snow Instead of lifting snow, try to push it as much as possible. When you need to lift a shovel full of snow, be sure to bend your knees and keep your back straight. Keep in mind that the snow pile might stick around, so pick your place carefully. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Max dies and leaves Sadie with a total of $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just after Max died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $5,000. And of course, I made a donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? Vayismere! How big is it?" "Three carats."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canstruction
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Getting rid of the Yahoo toolbar 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  January 6, 2009

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. --- Robert Byrne
The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr.Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer and asked the priest, "Why do you say 'Hoover'?" And Father Murphy said, "It's the biggest dam I know."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shawn Wallace, 41, of Kennewick, Washington Man uses paintballs to stop drunk driving KENNEWICK, Wash. (UPI) -- Police in Kennewick, Wash., said a man arrested for firing off a paintball gun told officers he was trying to prevent a friend from driving drunk. Sgt. Ken Lattin said police received a call at about 7:40 p.m. Tuesday from a witness who said a man was shooting paintballs at a car and one of the missed shots had hit his apartment, the (Kennewick) Tri-City Herald reported. Lattin said investigators arrived at the apartment complex to find Shawn Wallace, 41, firing paintballs at the windshield of a friend's car. He said Wallace, who was arrested on suspicion of unlawfully discharging a weapon and an unrelated misdemeanor warrant, told officers he was covering the windshield in paint to prevent its owner from driving under the influence of alcohol. "This is a very creative way to prevent someone from drinking and driving, but not legal or safe," Lattin said. ---------- At the temperatures there, a wet newspaper frozen to the windshield would have accomplished the trick quicker and cheaper.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.95."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaques Re: Yahoo Tool Bar Dear Webby, Hello again: Sorry to impose on you again but my problems are many. My latest is that I agreed to a Java Console update and I must have clicked on "yes" instead of "no" at some point in the installation because I find that I have been "blessed" with a "YAHOO" toolbar. I remembered thaa a short while back, someone else had a problem with this and even managed to find the issue, and so I tried your suggestions... Dear Jaques Look at the top of the browser for an icon that looks like a pen. In that one, there should be an option to remove the Yahoo bar. Have FUN! DearWebby
At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept yelling, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong." The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came home last night with lipstick on his collar. KILL the umpire!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Memory Aid: Email Reminders for Appointments When I make an appointment, I go to my Yahoo datebook and set it up to send myself at least two email reminders of the upcoming event. Maybe set one up a week out and one the day before. For those who have graduated from Yahoo, there is http://www.mymemorizer.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

By chance, John Smith witnessed a mugging. About an hour later, the cops arrived, and the officer in charge asked the witness his name. "John Smith," John told him. "Cut the funny business," the cop barked sharply. "What's your real name?" "All right," said John, "put me down as Albert Einstein." "That's more like it," said the man in blue. "You can't fool ME with that Smith stuff."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Snow on Buchart Gardens
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Is Real Player OK? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  January 5, 2009

Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view. --- Lillian Hellman Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. --- Isaac Newton
Poor Ole was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. But the birds were ruining Ole's prize-winning flowerbeds. Two weeks later, a friend visited Ole and noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" Ole replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
A woman goes into a meat market and asks the butcher why his porkchops are 99 cents a pound when the guy across the street is selling his for 89 cents? The butcher says: "Well then, why don't you go over there and buy his?" The lady customer says: "He doesn't have any." The butcher says: "Well thats nothing, when I don't have any, I sell mine for 79 cents."
Thanks to Brenda from TriangleB.com for this picture: Brenda specializes on Tennessee Walking Horses and often gets asked if they also canter (jog). This picture shows that they also gallop. (when Brenda shows up with treats)
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Goodrich in New Castle County, Delaware. Ex Prisoner sues after pet parrot dies An ex-con is suing a prison warder who he claims denied him a phone call that would have saved his pet parrot's life. Thomas Goodrich is seeking a total of $750,000.00 in punitive damages from the Delaware Department of Correction Commissioner and a warden at the correctional institution, reports the Daily Telegraph. He was being held for 12 days over an outstanding arrest warrant and an expired driving licence when he claims he was denied the chance to contact a friend to feed Freddie - a $25,000 gold and blue macaw which had been his beloved pet for 20 years. However, a local pet retailer said a macaw generally sells for about $1,600. Mr Goodrich said when he was finally released on December 19, he found Freddy dead. Two other parrots, both Amazons, survived. "They apparently had enough food in their cages," he said. In court papers submitted to the local federal court, Mr Goodrich said he was given a code number to operate a prison phone that did not work, and he was told he would have to wait eight days for a replacement number. He alleges that prison officials lacked compassion and acted "irresponsibly" when such "animal cruelty was taking place". One, criminal defence attorney Joe Hurley, said that inmates sent to Young prison tended to go missing for days while staff processed the paperwork created by their arrival. "That is the way it is," he said, adding that Mr Goodrich was lucky his situation involved a parrot "and not his child." Considering that the situation at Delaware jails is not really a secret, and that he knew he was on the run from an outstanding arrest warrant, and that he COULD have contacted an attorney, it becomes obvious that he chose saving lawyer fees over the life of his parrot. He has a right to contact an attorney, but private phone calls are considered luxuries in Delaware jails.
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: RealPlayer Dear Webby, does the free version of RealPlayer look safe and okay to download? Is it something worthwhile to have? Thanks as always for your input. Thank Goodness for "Webby!" Thanks, Carolyn Dear Carolyn Personally I shun realPlayer. If the content of a site is not up to standard and won't work with MediaPlayer or standard players, then I don't really need their content. Have FUN! DearWebby
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour, and a coin sermon that lasts till noon. Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fixing Linoleum or Vinyl Tiles If your linoleum or vinyl is starting to peel up around the edges, it's important to fix it to keep moisture from getting to your sub flooring. Put linoleum cement under the edge of the linoleum and place a large book or brick on it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Space Images of 2008
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to prepare pictures for printing? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  January 4, 2009

"I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet." --- Ancient Persian Saying
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, you'd gone fishing."
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Josh replied: "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to St Paul's Way Schoo, Tower Hamlets, England PE teacher sacked for wearing trainers A PE teacher has been sacked for wearing a tracksuit and trainers. Adrian Swain, 56, was dismissed a week before Christmas because he refused to follow a ban on trainers. The school's local education authority has backed the sacking - claiming teachers should not wear clothing children are not allowed to wear. Now fellow teachers at the comprehensive where Mr Swain has taught for 17 years are threatening to strike if he is not reinstated. Mr Swain said of his dismissal for wearing the clothes he teaches in: "I am stunned that in this day and age you can be sacked for wearing the wrong type of shoes. "I haven't a blot on my character and have suddenly been sacked for something I have always worn." The school dress code was imposed by an acting head teacher, Lorraine Page, at the state comprehensive, who has since left. Mr Swain added:"'Pupils learn best in an atmosphere where they feel comfortable and not in a corporate, office-like setting, so I really don't like the way that education is going." Mr Swain said he had worn tracksuit bottoms and trainers to school throughout his 30-year teaching career without any complaints. Mr Swain said he has a final appeal against his dismissal next term. A spokeswoman for Tower Hamlets Council confirmed that a teacher at St Paul's Way School was dismissed last week for "continually failing to comply with a reasonable management instruction". Boneheads!
A Japanese book publisher created an English edition of their book about sports rules, never running the translation by a native English speaker. After selling about 700,000 copies and getting about that many complaints, they came to understand that the book title ''Love Sports'' was somewhat misleading. The book has now been renamed to ''We Love Sports.''
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bev Re: CD / DVD drive cleaners Dear Webby, I took your advice and got the Canon SD 880 Elph camera and I love it. The problem that I have is, I want to print them on 4X6 photo paper and it will only give me a vertical slice of the picture. My printer is Canon 310. I need a program that will let me flip the picture and compress it down to that size. Please tell me what I need to do in idiot language since I'm such a novice at this. Computer is Windows XP. Thank you, Bev Dear Bev Personally, I am a fan of PSP (Paint Shop Pro) since about 1992. However, any graphics program will do for simple turning and re-sizing. If you can afford it, get PSP. Otherwise just look for any free graphics program for now, and put PSP on the Easter Bunny list. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Lizzie," asked Jill thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?" "With Phil?" Lizzie thought it over. "Let's see....... I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Christmas Items Now is a great time to buy Christmas decorations, wrapping paper and cards at clearance prices. Only buy items you know you will use and put them in a clearly marked box. Candy and chocolate are also on sale. If you use it for baking, you can freeze it to use year round. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied alcohol and advised to get at least four hours' sleep a night. Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" "Just with your wife," responded the doctor. We don't want you to get too excited for a while."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: AllWorldWonders.html
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: CD Drive Cleaner 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  January 3, 2009

The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears. --- James Allen
Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? Three times a week for two years ? I may be crazy but I am not stupid. A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! And just how, if I may ask?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Subscribe to Ophelia Dingbatter's News Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked.
You're getting old when... The mail lady gets you so excited that your pacemaker opens the garage door across the street.
Jill walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent. Jill rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
Thanks to Joan for forwarding this picture: This delightful circle was taken at Lamington national park, west of the Gold Coast. These are native Australian mountain parrots, the red and blue kind are crimson rosella and the red and green are King Parrots. They are feasting on sunflower seed which Mr. Watt had left for them, but did not expect them to form such a perfect ring. This guy on the bottom is about to jump into the centre, to the discontent of the other birds.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 33 year old man in Vastervik, Sweden Man burned trying to impress girlfriend VASTERVIK, Sweden (UPI) -- A 33-year-old Swedish man suffered serious injuries when he poured gasoline on his arm and set it on fire as a party trick, police said. Authorities in Vastervik, Sweden, said the man apparently was trying to impress his girlfriend, the Local reported. "It obviously didn't go well. He burned his arm and other parts of his body and was in a state of shock," said police spokesman Reine Johansson. "Don't ask me what the point of the trick was supposed to be." The man, who faces charges of endangering the public, was hospitalized in the burn unit of Linkoping University Hospital.
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work just as soon as your check clears!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: CD / DVD drive cleaners Hey Mr. Webby; Well I do not know if I am the first one to ask you a question about "DVD/CD Burners" or anything computer related for this new year..... So here we go..... Is there away that I can test/clean such a drive without buying one of those crazy discs that they sell at the store? Eddie Hi Eddie Since those cleaning disks are cheaper than a replacement drive, they are probably worth the gamble. However, I have never used one of them. Have FUN! DearWebby
The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't" replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Snip Loose Threads To remove a loose thread that sticks up above the fiber, use scissors to snip it instead of pulling on it which can pull out more than just the thread. Loose threads are easy to catch in the vacuum, creating an even bigger problem. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not." But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars of thunder and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother, "this will teach him a lesson." To their great surprise though, Robert came to the top of the stairs and called down: "Sounds like God doesn't want you to make such a fuss about some silly prunes!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rose Parade
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Dear Webby: Free Screen Savers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  January 2, 2009
Time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops!

The environment you fashion out of your thoughts, your beliefs, your ideals, your philosophy is the only climate you will ever live in." --- Dr. Stephen Covey
A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend,"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from making me go visit aunt Helen with them."
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While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the man left his hat on the bench, but didn't miss it until they were back on the freeway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The woman fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, that they would be late getting to their destination, etc. She called her husband every bad name she could think of. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the man got out of the car to retrieve his hat, the woman yelled to him, "While you're in there, you might as well get my purse, too."
Morris and an Italian and an Irishman, all first time fathers, are pacing nervously in a maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding up a newborn black baby. "Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in Italian and says "No! notta my kid!" "Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers "It blodie will betta not be!" "OK, then it must be yours", she informs Morris, who sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles "It must be, my wife burns everything!

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mike Raymond from Polk County, Minnesota Sunk Loader CROOKSTON, Minn. (UPI) -- A Polk County, Minn., worker was sent home Tuesday after the front-end loader he was driving on frozen Red Lake River fell through the ice. Witnesses said Mike Raymond apparently was trying to clear snow around his ice-fishing shack when the ice gave way, the Crookston (Minn.) Times reported. Problem was, he wasn't supposed to take the loader on the ice. Raymond escaped injury and was "sent home" after Tuesday's incident, Polk County Highway Engineer Rich Sanders told the Crookston Times. Sanders didn't elaborate about the situation or any punishment. Raymond was clearing snow from county-owned lots in town and detoured to a public boat launch, where he planned to clear snow from around his ice-fishing shack when the ice gave way, the newspaper said. Lots of heavy equipment were hooked together to heave the front loader from its watery abode. It was still idling when it was pulled from the river, the newspaper said, but any damage was unknown.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. The boy replied: "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Free Screensaver Hi Webby, Can you recommend a site where I can get free animated screen savers without having other JUNK downloaded at the same time. Thank you, Bob Dear Bob There are a whole bunch of free ones that come right with Windows. The best one of them is he slide show. Simply move your famous collection of 27,000 saved XYZ pix, ahem, I mean pictures of churches, into one folder, and then set the slide show to step through that collection of churches. Have FUN! DearWebby
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mark Birthdays on Your New Calendar When putting up your new calendar for the new year, take a moment and fill in all the birthdays that you need to remember throughout the year. It's also good to note any anniversaries or other important dates. One good method is to flip through your old calendar and transfer any dates which apply to the new year. Nowadays I highly recommend http://www.mymemorizer.com/ You can set events to trigger reminder emails to you a month, week, day, plus even hours in advance. And it is free! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was just visiting some friends who have a farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I just stood there thinking to myself, "I hope I never get THAT hungry."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cutter's Carvings
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Linux onto a 95 Laptop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  January 1, 2009
Happy New year!

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. --- Lynda Barry
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" So I said, "Of course, you can stay out there," and shut the door."
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A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With results like that, you couldn't possibly be cheating."
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he slowly pronounced as he wrote on his form.
Thanks to my dad for this picture: This one bloomed today!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to two German postal workers Double Theft 2 postmen in Germany were supposed to deliver a Christmas cake to a family, but feeling peckish, they ate the cake on the way. Afterwards they put its address label on another top-secret package that was supposed to be going to Germany's LBB bank in Frankfurt. The bank package contained the personal details of thousands of customers around the world who were warned that their accounts might have been compromised. But the mystery was solved when the computer discs finally turned up at the home of the family who's been expecting a Christmas cake. The police said "What a pair of idiots."
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's a stud on a snow tire, somewhere in Montana."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Installing Linux onto Windows 95 computer Happy New Year to you and your family: Your newsletter along with cream and sugar add to my morning coffee daily. Always enjoyable. I need your expertise today. My daughter gave me an older lap-top complete with Windows 95. I would like to install Linux. Do I need to erase Windows first,,,,,,,,,,,if so how would the system read the CD? Thank you in advance. Shirley Dear Shirley Just set the CD as the primary boot drive, boot up with the Linux CD in it, and it will give you a choice of running Windows and Linux side by side, or just Linux. Then it will guide you through the installation type that you have chosen. Have FUN! DearWebby
The fireman had rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and four blocks all the way to his car behind the fire hall. As they arrived there, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you before me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090101@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flour Tortilla Noodles Cut flour tortillas into strips with your pizza cutter. Use them instead of noodles when you make "Chicken and Noodles" Nobody will ever guess that they aren't "Homemade Noodles" Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One secretary kept track of her passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed one password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," she explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Panny Adams Photography
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Happy New Year! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  December 31, 2008
Last day of the year.

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. --- Jimmy Buffett
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Usually right after it breaks."
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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"
Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City 7th grader, said, "This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know, totally not cool." In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school breaks. Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given something real to strike about!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, Illinois Bank robber busted after leaving behind own pay stub The note handed to a Fifth Third Bank teller Friday was clear enough (despite some language errors): "Be Quick Be Quit. Give your cash or I'll shoot." What was even clearer to FBI investigators examining the note was that they were not dealing with a criminal mastermind. The alleged robber, identified Monday as Thomas Infante, 40, of Cary, had written it on the back of his own pay stub, which helpfully provided the FBI with his name and home address. "It's fairly unusual that we see something that specifically stupid," said FBI spokesman Ross Rice. "But overall, we see a lot of strange bank robberies."
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and to soak it in dishwater three times a day."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: --No Questions today-- Since there were no questions or requests today, I am going to take this space to thank you for 2008, and wisdh you all the Best for 2009. Have FUN! DearWebby
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from smashed nuts of some kind?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast with peanut butter...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 0812301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Liquor Store Boxes Ask your local liquor store for boxes. Pick out some boxes with cardboard dividers which are used for shipping bottles. These boxes are great for storing and protecting breakable ornaments. Save your tissue paper and wrapping paper from presents to wrap your ornaments before putting them in the box. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World Clock
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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