How to write bats?

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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, January 23, 2010

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is
too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
--- Maureen Murphy

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local
joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and
showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One
blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous
position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Two Cajun commercial fishermen, Boudreaux & Thibodeaux, went out in
the Gulf fishing. They were gone a couple of months. On their return, they
noticed a Taco Bell had been built while they were away. Boudreaux turns
to Thibodeaux and says "Sacri Bleu! Look it dat! You run over a fone pole
an it takes 9 mons ta get Southern Bell ta put in a new pole an fix da fone.
We go fish a bit,  an dem Mexicans done come over here an build a whole
telifone company!"

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Myesha Williams, 20, of Deland, Florida

Robber complains about being shown on the news
DELAND -- Two women suspected of robbing a beauty supply store
showed up at the DeLand police station wanting to know why they
were shown on news reports, a sheriff's spokesman said Tuesday night.

"At 8 p.m. the two women in the video went to the DeLand police station
saying they had seen themselves on the news and they wanted to know
what is going on," sheriff's spokesman Brandon Haught said.

A sheriff's deputy then escorted the women to the sheriff's District 2 Office
and an investigator interviewed them, Haught said.

It was determined that Myesha Williams, 20, was the one who robbed the
store, Haught said.

Williams was charged with strong arm robbery and retail theft, Haught said.
The other woman, whose identity was not available late Tuesday night, was
not charged because she had left the store when Williams confronted the
store employee, he said.

According to investigators, the women were in Isis Beauty Supply &
Accessories on East New York Avenue on Friday at 5:31 p.m. when a
worker saw the women look at hairpieces and suspected they might be
shoplifting, Haught said. The worker confronted the two and one of the
women walked toward the exit and left the store. But Williams headed to
the cash register, said she had a gun and asked for money, Haught said.

The suspects then left the store with an unknown amount of money and
about $150 in beauty supplies, Haught said. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Benny Re: How do you write bat files? Dear Webby, You mentioned turning that tedious command into a bat file. How do you do that? Benny Dear Benny Open a new plain text file with NoteMaid, Notepad or any plain text editor. Save it as, for example, bat1.bat and make sure that Notepad does not add .txt at the end of it. Let's assume that you want to take the Read-Only attributes off the files in C:\alpha\Eudora and it's sub-directories In the file write @echo off echo working.... attrib -R -S -H /S C:\Alpha\Eudora\*.* pause exit Save that, and make a shortcut icon to it. The "working..." tells you that it is working. The pause asks you to hit any key before it closes. In case there is a problem, like for example a typo in the name of the directory, where you want to take the Read-Only, System, and Hidden attributes off, that error will be shown above the "Hit any key to contonue" message. Once you have it working right, you can delete that line with the pause, but until you get comfortable with bats, it's a good idea to add it above the exit. That's all there is to it. There are lots of commands like the attrib. You can for example copyt all JPG files from one location to another, or move them, etc. Just look up DOS commands or ask me. Have FUN! DearWebby Success is relative - the more success, the more relatives. Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Sandbox Sand in the Garden When I was recently shopping at a well known kitchen ware shop, I found the grater I wanted with a slightly bent handle. At the checkout, I asked for the item to be discounted because of the handle, and it was the only one. 10% was taken off the whole price. I do this on a regular basis especially if the item is the last one or there is any visible damage. This is especially applicable if you are paying cash. Always be extremely polite, remember they are doing you a favor. You'll be surprised who will discount. My son who is in the military always asks for the military discount and he gets it. Don't be afraid to ask for the discount. By Morganna from Anderson, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Ever have one of those days? Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Finally that task was accomplished and she asked him, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" » Toothpick Art ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 183 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3.1 / 967 ) Automatic 'Read Only' nuisance  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Friday, January 22, 2010 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops! I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. ---- Jane Wagner, (and Lily Tomlin) The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as delightful --- Frederick Locker-Lampson Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. --- Socratex In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Later the lawyers speak and the judge listens. During an arctic training exercise in Alaska intense cold played havoc with vehicles and equipment. One harassed battery commander was trying to cope with vehicles that wouldn't run and machinery that wouldn't work. He was wondering what else could go wrong when the tent flap opened and a soldier rushed in to announce, "Hey, captain, the northern lights are out!" Exasperated and without looking, the captain barked, "Well, go get the generator mechanic and have him fix the @#$% lights!"

----
With northern lights the phrase "the lights are out" goes back a lot farther
than electric lights, and actually means "the northern lights have come out
from behind the clouds, they are visible".

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Peter, the terror-pisser in Hamburg, Germany

Terror Pisser

Online: http://www.thelocal.de/society/20100116-24617.html

A couple in Hamburg have finally got to the bottom of why the
plants in their front garden keep turning brown and dying – their
neighbour has been urinating on them at night.

A years-long feud between the two families could now be finished,
after the weed-upon couple confronted their urinating neighbour –
dubbed the "terror-pisser" – with video evidence of his night-time
activities.

The Hamburger Morgenpost newspaper reported that Dieter and
Rosemarie Friebel, who live in the Farmsen area of the city, had
problems with plants in their front garden for years.

“A hibiscus suddenly looked like it had been burned by the sun,”
said Mrs Friebel. She kept buying and planting new plants, but they
too soon succumbed to what she started to suspect was poisoned soil.

The Friebels said they had long had problems with the family next door,
particularly with excessive noise. A year ago Mrs Friebel saw the man,
named only as Peter M., hit another car while parking his, and was
called as a witness in a court case.

“Since then he has not spoken to us at all,” she told the paper.

The problems with her plants continued to be a mystery until she found
a CD in the post.

“One day we found a CD in our post box. A neighbour must have given
it to us,” said Mr Friebel. “When we played it, we could not believe our eyes.”

The paper said there were 12 short films, taken between October 28 and
December 5 – all showing Peter M. leaving his house at night and urinating
over their front garden.

They confronted him with the evidence and he has apologised.

“It makes me feel sick when I think how often I ran my fingers over the
leaves and wondered where the liquid came from,” said Mrs Freibel.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Billie
Re: Automatic Read Only after file transfers

Dear Webby,
Whenever I transfer files from the laptop to the home machine,
I can't edit them. After a lot of cussing, I found that is because they
are read only. While I CAN fix that, it is a nuisance. Is there
a way around that?
She-Billie

Dear Billie
That is just an ancient Microsoft bug that goes back to
Windows 95. There is no permanent bugfix for it.
You can either right-click the folder and take the Read-Only
checkmark off, and hit APPLY,
or you can go to the DOS command line, cd to that folder and type
attrib -R -H /S *

Naturally, you can also put that into a bat and make an icon for it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the
house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term in latin,
so that I can tell my wife."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use Sandbox Sand in the Garden
In the fall when we put things away, it was always "What do we do with the sand
from the sandbox?" Well, I assess what areas of my veggie and flower garden soil
needs some soil treatment and divide out the sand box to the garden needing it most.
Many veggies grow better in sandier soil. Some flowers need better drainage.
By Joyce from Benson, MN

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ron has been telling his wife for 37 years that diamonds look tacky on
younger women.
So far, it has worked.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a
clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

»  Old Car Center

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Can't install SpyBot

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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, January 20, 2010

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session
as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
--- Will Rogers

The nickname that you deserve!
=========================
If  your Humor Letter is greeting you properly with your first name, then you
can skip this paragraph. But if the line above reads "Good Morning Friend!"
or is calling you some nickname that you don't really like any more, then
hit REPLY and tell me what it should be.

Go ahead and give yourself the name or nickname that you would like
to be called by!
I may be only the first one in the world to do so, but I will faithfully
call you by that name every morning.

What's the big deal you wonder ? Read what  My-Lil-Empress wrote:

===From My-Lil-Empress
Dear Dear Webby
I wish I could tell you how grateful I am to you for keeping my husband and
coach alive even though he died in an accident four years ago today.
While everybody else calls me nicknames like "half-pint" and "evil-runt"
and worse, Roy always called me "My-Lil-Empress" and in his eyes I was
a real person, not just a half size. The more everybody else put me down,
the more Roy always did things to build up my self confidence and make
Giving me a subscription to the Humor Letter under the name that he used
for me, that was one of those things. Even though he is long dead, every
morning when the Humor Letter greets me with "Dear My-Lil-Empress !",
it's Roy boosting me up,  and even though I am only 4' 6", I walk tall !
Thanks Roy, and Thanks Webby!
My-Lil-Empress===

Dear My-Lil-Empress
It's real people like you who are the reason that I don't mind if the sky turns
pink in the east before my previous day's shift is over, as long as the
Humor Letter goes out.
DearWebby

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of
newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good. Private Brandy will be setting the pace on our morning run.'

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brandy  was overweight
and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news. Private Brandy will be driving the ambulance, that
we might need for those who don't manage to stay ahead of me."

Thanks to Sandie for this picture:

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Shane Thomas Williams-Allen, 19, of Orlando, Florida

Burglar tases and handcuffs himself
TAVARES — Lake County authorities say they have a serial car
burglar in custody, one who shocked himself with a Taser and put
himself in handcuffs.

Shane Thomas Williams-Allen of Orlando was arrested this week
on multiple burglary and grand-theft counts, and the Lake County
Sheriff's Office said he may be linked to as many as nine car
burglaries around Clermont and Minneola.

And one of the burglaries involved an unmarked Ocoee Police car,
the Sheriff's Office said. Stolen from that car were a Taser, an
expandable baton, handcuffs, a Glock handgun magazine,
a digital camera and a digital recorder.

Williams-Allen, 19, discharged the stolen Taser and shocked
himself when he first discovered it, the investigation found.

Last week, he accidentally locked himself up with the handcuffs
and had to call authorities to set him free, according to his arrest
report. Many of the other stolen items were recovered following
his arrest.

Williams-Allen is held on charges that include grand theft, burglary
to a conveyance and armed burglary to a conveyance.
He may face additional counts, Lake officials said.

He later told investigators that he probably entered four or five cars,
including one from which he took cameras and an iPod with a
docking station, according to the report. He said others were
involved in "car hopping," which he described as going around
and pulling on car door handles.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Denjan
Re:Can't install Spybot

Hi Webby,
I have tried twice to install Spybot and the first time I got
almost to the end and it stalled and I can't ove or delete
it from my screen.I decided to reinstall it and it gets to a
certin spot and stalls and tell me to retry,abort or ingore
which it does not recomend..How do I get the icon on my
screen off.I uninstalled Spybot and that did'nt come off
and now will not move or respond.I am stuck. Denjan

Dear Denjan
if the problem is not lack of space, run a good Anti-Virus
program like McAfee and try to get rid of whatever is blocking
Spybot-Search&Destroy.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to
take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't
talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to
say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom
had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to
the little girl and says

"Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose".
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks

"Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse
because your lipstick is hanging out!"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Organizing Tax Season
Every January I set up a new manila folder and mark it with
the year. Then every time I have a receipt or statement I
need to save, I just put it in the folder. Come tax season all
the paperwork is in one place.
By Rebecca from Lancaster, NY

With a computer it is even easier.
However, if you want to do it manually, get a harmonica folder.

Brand new, with 13 indexed folder size poly pouches, and a
closure flap with carry handle, they are $10-$15,
or a dollar at yard sales.

That way you can write the category names on the colorful tabs
and toss receipts into the proper category. If you need a receipt,
you don't have to search through everything, but just that one
category.

You can hang them high with their carry handle, out of reach
of kids but convenient for you.

If you have a book keeper or accountant, ask them for the
category names required in your particular case.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny's mother decided that he should get something 'practical' for
his birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" his mother
suggested.
Little Johnny thought that was a fine idea.
"It's your account", his mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill
out the application."
Little Johnny was doing fine until he came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, he put down
'Piggy'.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Jason was having a tough day and had stretched himself out on the couch
to do a bit of what he thought to be well-deserved complaining and
self-pitying.
He moaned to his wife, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
His wife, busily occupied with other things, hardly looked up at and
passed on this encouraging word:
"That's not true, Jason. Can't be everybody.
Some people don't know you."

»  Old Car Center

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Audio Recorder

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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, January 19, 2010

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
--- Cecil Baxter

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
--- Leo Rosten

"My wooden leg was hurting me something fierce last night," complained
Art.

"That's impossible," said his neighbour, "How can a wooden leg hurt
you?"

Art replied, "My old lady hit me over the head with it a dozen times
when I came home drunk."

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was
meeting with considerable sales resistance.
"Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer.
"Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on
a cow."
"Humph!" retorted the farmer. "Not near as silly as you would look trying to
milk a bicycle!"

Thanks to Sandie for this picture:

There is a butterfly hiding in there!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Charles Jesse Johnson, 40, of Perry, Florida

Driver with deputy behind him runs red light

DESTIN -- A man sitting at a red light on Christmas Day
turned left before the light changed, despite the fact that
an Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputy was sitting
behind him. The two were sitting at the light on U.S.
Highway 98 and Matthew Blvd.

The deputy initiated a traffic stop and found the driver,
40-year-old Charles Jesse Johnson of Perry, in the back
seat. He had jumped in there when the vehicle came to a
stop, according to his arrest report.

The deputy checked the man's driving history and found out
that his license had been revoked in June, and that he also
had seven other suspensions and four other revocations.

He was again charged with driving with a revoked license as a
habitual traffic offender.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Arturas
Re: Audio recorder

Dear Webby;
Any suggestions other than plain Googling for a free programme
to record streaming music from the internet? I know you have
addressed this in previous letters but I cannot find it in the four
years of letters on my computer, didn't find where your archive
is searchable for specific terms, did not see such a programme
in your tools box. I tend too be leary of using any programme
at random off the internet, which is why I am asking.
Have fun,
Arturas

Dear Arturas
I have used Audacity for years.
It will record any sound, even from tele-seminars, conferences,
Skype Voice Calls, Internet Radio, etc.
You can even edit and delete boring portions of the recording.

The archive searcher in the blog (archive) is near the bottom.
The one near the top is for searching on the web.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He
said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with
me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles
against it."
"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 9:30 every
night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked,
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use a Baby Bottle Nipple for Transferring Liquids
When you need to transfer something from a larger bottle to
a smaller one, I use an old baby bottle nipple. I cut the hole
bigger and in most cases, the larger bottle opening fits in
just right. Works every time!
By Sandra from Salem OR

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing
and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses,
endless ammunition.

The most frequent target was the resident assistant. Approaching his room
one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of
water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down
the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, 'Those idiots
actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!'

It was then, that he realized, that "those idiots" had removed the drainpipe
beneath the sink and turned the "U" shaped part of it to point just below
his waistline.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A tourist parked his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man
standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes.
Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United
States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. Guess I better find
somebody more respectable and trustworthy."

»  Water Drop

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Gross incompetence at Yahoo

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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, January 18, 2010

--- Stephen King

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
--- Thomas Szasz

Monica N. wrote:
"... I was wandering around the 'net recently, and GOSH! I found a
whole bunch of PHILATELISTS.  And then I discovered groups populated
by THESPIANS and HOMO SAPIENS.  And I found hundreds -- not
dozens, but HUNDREDS -- of educational institutions funded by MY TAX
DOLLARS... teaching people to MATRICULATE.
We need to pass laws to control the Internet and protect our children!"

Dwayne, his wife, and Dwayne's mother-in-law went camping.
Dwayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone on her stroll in
the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with
the mother-in-law!

Immediately the daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice,
"Dwayne you gotta do something, or there's gonna be trouble
fer sure!"

Dwayne calmly said, "Nah, those grizzllies are a lot tougher
than they look. He'll live."

A guy is driving along with his wife in their Cadillac, asked his wife:
"Darling, if I lose all my money, will you still love me?"
She answers: "of course I will,  I will probably miss you too."

Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:

Bike Riding OK
Bike Riding NOT OK
Above confusion does NOT apply to Mopeds
Above confusion DOES apply to bridge.

Apparently they have some confused bridges on bicycles
in Sweden!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Mark Turner, 23, of Lower Bank Road, Fulwood, Preston, UK

Man busted as he helped girlfriend out of trousers
A man was nailed for drug possession after he went into the
ladies loos to undo his girlfriend's trousers so she would not
ruin her new nail varnish.

Mark Turner, a jobless 23-year-old, of Lower Bank Road, Fulwood,
Preston, pleaded guilty to illegal possession of cannabis.

Blackpool magistrates decided the 18 hours he had spent in
custody would serve in lieu of a £65 fine and ordered the drugs
to be destroyed by someone other than him..

Philip Turner, prosecuting, said a police officer became suspicious
when he saw Turner and a woman go into the ladies public toilets at
Blackpool's Talbot Road bus station on Tuesday (January 12)
at 4.15pm.

The prosecutor added: "The officer followed them and knocked
on the cubicle door. The defendant said he was helping his girlfriend."

Turner was searched when he left the cubicle and two wraps of
cannabis were found on him.

Stephen Duffy, defending, said Turner and his girlfriend were
waiting for a bus home when she had to go to the toilet.

apparently unable to unfasten her trousers herself without
damaging her new nail polish, so he accompanied her to
assist her.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Randall
Re: Incompetence at Yahoo

Dear Webby;
I have enjoyed receiving your newletter for a long time now and
recently i wrote and told you i was having a problem with receiving it,
well the problem has occured again.I sent some friends of mine a
gift subscription and after that i havent gotten another issue of your
fine newletters.

I have contacted Yahoo and they said all of thier affairs are in order
and for me to contact you and see if you could correct the problem
for me.....I truly enjoy the articles and the tech help especially seeing
how i am just now getting comfortable in this cyberworld of ours......
so please could you help out a big fan of yours out.
thanks for any and all assistance.
Randall

Dear Randall
The Taliban at Yahoo lied to you, again.
Their affairs are NOT in order. You are not the only one whose
subscriptions they fail to deliver. Judging by the feedback,
Yahoo fails to deliver to more than half of their victims.

The Humor Letter is sent out to you every night, however,
once it has entered the Yahoo server, there is nothing more
that I can do about it. Then it is strictly between them and you.

The Humor letter jumps through all 20 Best Practises hoops:
1) Listed Sender ID,
3) Proper SPF record,
4) Matching forward and reverse DNS,
6) Full contact information,
7) Strictly Double Opt-In,
8) Not on any blacklist,
9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming,
10) Is family safe
11) Has live, same day response to replies, no auto-responders
12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing
14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises
15) Works fine with all competent mail services
16) Does not have any attachments
17) Does not burden email with embedded pictures or movies
18) Calls pictures from a properly identified server with
matching forward and reverse DNS and SPF record
19) Does NOT send solo ads or ANY advertising mails to subscribers
20) Is listed with the Ezinefinder (http://ezinefinder.com)

There is nothing more that I or anyone can do.

You can try wasting more time arguing with the incompetent yahoos
and tell them what they are full of,
or you can get yourself a respectable address on the side.
Gmail is free and reliable, and you can make basic filters.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors
and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor got rather upset that his word was doubted and yelled:
"You just wait until the autopsy, then you will see that I was right."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

I have made shorts and blouses from a large bed sheet, also
curtains, pillow cases etc. It's often cheaper than fabric from
fabric store. You can make skirts from neck ties. Take them
apart, press with steam or wet cloth, sew together. Put a zipper
and a band on it, make a button hole, sew button on band.
I also make shorts out of pant legs. Cut legs off as high up
as you can (the crotch), remove seams. Press with wet cloth
or steam iron, you are ready to cut shorts out Good luck.
By Kathleen from Dothan, AL

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

On vacation one year Joe went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the
usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from the resort to
participate in a cattle drive. After watching 120 make-believe cowpokes
whooping and hollering, Joe rode up to the ranch-owner and asked
her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.

"One," she replied, "and yappy dog.
It's the noise that'll get the cattle to move."

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

On vacation one year Joe went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the
usual activities, a neighboring ranch allowed guests from the resort to
participate in a cattle drive for a mere $25. After watching 120 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, Joe rode up to the ranch-owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size. "One," she replied, "and yappy dog. They are not scared, but the noise bothers cattle, and that'll get them to move." » Food Safety ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 255 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 566 ) Avast's Auto-Corrupt problem  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Sunday, January 17, 2010 Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate. --- Mark B. Cohen Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. --- Oscar Wilde Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to police chiefs all across the state, with orders to notify the FBI the moment an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small town: "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST." A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his good suit, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that you always have a headache next morning after wearing that suit!" Thanks to Walter, the Stonecarver for this picture: Ponti enlarging photo viewer, made in Venice, a few hundred years ago. Photo Viewer If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Lebanese counterfeiter$500 Tip Leads Police to $66 Million In Fake Bills Malaysian police have arrested a Lebanese man allegedly carrying fake currency with a face value of$66 million after he tipped a hotel staff with a $500 note, an official said Friday. The largest U.S. note currently in wide circulation is a$100 bill. But police found bundles of $1 million,$100,000 and $500 notes in the man's hotel room in Kuala Lumpur on Sunday, said Izany Abdul Ghany, head of the city's commercial crime unit. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Avast's auto-corrupt problem Dear webby; Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Here is what they suggest; "Reinstall avast! completely, please. It seems to be the easiest solution of the problem. Even if you did it before, do it again this way, using the uninstall utility, please: Uninstall the version of avast! that's currently installed on your computer using our uninstall utility, that can be downloaded from this page: http://www.avast.com/eng/avast-uninstall-utility.html Use it in safe mode of Windows - in this mode you don't need to disable the self-defense module. Here you can learn how to start Windows in safe mode: http://www.pchell.com/support/safemode.shtml After using that tool, restart your computer" Do you think I should just go to the uninstall link here & then maybe get a fee trail of McAfee & after that go back to installing Avast again would be ok? This is the 1st time in several years of having Avast I have encountered this. I am leary of trying to use safe mode for staring up. really can't affors to pay for a virus prigram just yet & I have had avast for a long time. I know you recommend McAfee. Sharon Dear Sharon McAfee VirusScan is only about$30 a year!
2 - 3 hours baby-sitting.

Personally, the only way I like babies is barbecued,
with lots of onions. Normally, I am the one who keeps the
hands in the pocket, when somebody thrusts a baby at me,
and the one who asks them what kind of sound they make
when they are dropped.

But to get McAfee, I would cheerfully pretend for 2 - 3 hours,
that I can babysit, if properly motivated.

I would UN-install Avast in Safe mode, reboot to normal mode,
get McAfee.
and book another baby-sitting session for next January.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

We had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in
town. Early the next morning, our 3 1/2-year old ran into our bedroom to
wake us up. I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit
bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he
exclaimed, "everybody here has doorbells....

... and they all work."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Dental Floss for Sturdy Buttons
When my children were little, I used to secure buttons on their
clothing with dental floss. There is no need to remove the
and go through the shank or thread holes of the button once
or even twice and tie it off. If it's a dark colored button,
you can color the floss with a permanent marker to make
it less noticeable. You can't break dental floss with your
bare hands and the buttons will stay on until you want
them off. This is especially helpful on coats/jackets and
jean waistbands. No more lost buttons! Source:
My Mom By Carol from TX

Dental Floss works just fine for many types of sewing.
When I lived in the bush in the Yukon, I used it for everything
from sled dog harnesses to sewing leather knee and elbow
patches on, tent repair, general mending, and of course
buttons and zippers.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program:
"What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut,"
the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the
sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The
usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Frantic Woman on phone: "Doctor, my Son just swallowed a nickel, and
he's coughing up dimes. What do I do?!?"
Doctor: "Keep feeding him Nickels!!!"

»  Wooly Nonsense

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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How to resize digital pictures

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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, January 16, 2010

The gods too are fond of a joke.
--- Aristotle

If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.
--- Donald H. Rumsfeld

A motion to adjourn is always in order.
--- Robert Heinlein

An elderly couple were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Greg noticed something funny about Keli's ear and he said,
"Keli, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Keli answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and
stared at it. Then she said, "Greg, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I know why my farts sound so loud."

My Grandmother is ninetyfive and still doesn't need glasses...
She drinks straight out of the bottle.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Michael Maloy, 24 in Viera, Florida

Peanutter
VIERA, Fla. — A 24-year-old man who has peanuts to blame for

Michael Maloy was sentenced to three years in prison and five
years probation by Brevard Circuit Court Judge David Dugan.

Maloy was captured on video Sept. 9, 2009, walking into the
Walgreens store while snacking on seasoned peanuts.

He approached a female clerk and told her to give him money
from the cash register, officials said.

Maloy, who was unarmed, tossed his head back and put a
handful of nuts into his mouth, allowing the store's surveillance
cameras to capture his face, officials said.

He then ran out of the store, spilling some of the munchies
on the floor before fleeing, officials said.

Police later collected the peanuts for potential DNA evidence
linking the incident to Maloy, and when Maloy was caught,
he still had peanuts in his pocket.

An undisclosed amount of cash was taken during the
robbery, officials said.

"Here's someone who over the last year or two has shown
a propensity for criminal behavior up to the point where
he progressed to robbery, a violent crime," said Yvonne
Martinez, spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: Resizing pictures

Dear Webby,
Even though I've had a computer for about 15 years I call myself a
self-taught illerate. I got the computer for email and to play games. I surf
sometimes but don't use it for business. My question is about pictures. How
do I make my digital camera pictures smaller to email? Right now the
dimensions are 2048x1536 and are 1105K when I email one to myself. Isn't
that to large to email several at a time?
Can you help me please. And I love your vacation pictures and especially
Carolyn

Dear Carolyn
For that you need a resizer or a graphics program.

Resizers are just dumb. You put in the dimensions
you want, and it will shrink the picture to that dimension.

With a graphics program you can crop the picture.
If the picture is for example 4000 x 3000 pixels,
and you really just want the butterfly in the corner,
and the result to be 640 x 480, then you use the cropping
tool and stretch a 640x480 outline in that corner,
and crop that.

GIMP is probably the best of the free graphics tools.
Paint Shop Pro from Corel is the most common
among the paid ones, though Photoshop is pretty close,
but a lot more expensive.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

"Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question the teacher will
"Say God made you." replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny forgot what
his mother had said, so he explained,
"Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my father who made me.
But then my mother said it was someone else -
but I can't remember who it was."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

due to excess moisture in the bag. To extend your salad greens'
life, open the bag once you get home, place a paper towel
inside and then close with a bag clip. The paper towel absorbs
By Morganna from Anderson, IN

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his
phony $18 bills would be in some small "hick town." So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he asked. The store clerk looked at the$18 bill for a short time,
then smiled and said to the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister.
Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband
who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of
our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so
ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You *should* be ashamed," he
agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

»  Painted feathers

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Remove RightMedia malware

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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, January 15, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country.
The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a
good five-cent nickel.

The way we communicate with others and with ourselves
ultimately determines the quality of our lives.
--- Anthony Robbins:

Thanks to Roland for this story:
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.  When her
turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held
high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle!  You walked in
bent in half and now you're walking erect.
What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately she began  flattering him  outrageously. The guy liked the
young lady, but was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent pitch. He
was amazed when after 30 minutes she seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," he said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure?
We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," she smiled. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the
back of the bank where you have your account. I know all I need to know

Thanks to my dad for this picture.

He DOES set a nice breakfast table.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Carolyn Paulsen-Riat, 33 of Olympia, Washington

Support mailbox over quota
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Court papers allege that an Olympia woman,
angry that her husband left her, tampered with his power tools so
that he received a powerful electric shock. Carolyn Paulsen-Riat
was booked Friday into the Thurston County Jail for investigation
of third-degree assault, domestic violence, and second-degree
malicious mischief. A judge released the 33-year-old woman on
her own recognizance.

The Olympian newspaper reported that court documents said that
on Jan. 1, the man was using a 220-volt table saw when he received
the shock, knocking him to the ground. Thurston County sheriff's
deputies said the man did not need to go to a hospital.

In the documents, deputies said the woman told them she had
reversed the wires on his power tools because she was angry he
was leaving.

The husband told detectives that Paulsen-Riat also had destroyed
his vintage Da Vinci accordion, valued at about $5,000, and an antique tool chest valued at about$3,000. A deputy seized
Paulsen-Riat’s 9 mm semi-automatic pistol while investigators
were at the residence.

In most places tampering with the wiring like that is considered
attempted first degree murder.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn
Re: Infected by Rightmedia

Hello Webby,
After running Spybot today it said there is trouble with Right Media.
What is that?
I clicked fix troubles but wondered if Right Media is something
Thanks, Carolyn

Dear Carolyn
Rightmedia is indeed a very wicked trojan.
Usually Spyware-Search&Destroy can get rid of it.
You may have to update it beforehand.

If it doesn't get rid of it, try Super Anti-Spyware or
Malwarebytes’ Anti-Malware.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Being able to turn your grandchildren into spoiled brats
is God's reward for not killing your children.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Bargain Plants at Garden Centers
Have a green thumb and a tight budget? I have found that if
I go to garden centers in the big box home improvement stores
on the day after their vendors go through the plants, I can find
some real bargains. I have bought some puny plants that were
in planters which cost more than the plant was reduced to!
Generally all the plants need is a little water and some TLC.
I bring them home, put them in a shady spot, and keep
them well-watered for several days before planting them out.

The stores usually have them on rolling carts toward the back
of the garden section. If you don't see them, ask someone.
The folks in the garden center are happy to show you to help
get them out of there. Don't be afraid to ask if they will reduce
something that is less than vibrant. A little clipping, plant fertilizer
and watering can revive most annuals which are droopy. I have
been doing this for several years and have lost very few plants.
At the price I got them for, that didn't amount to much money.
By Sandy from Elon, NC

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A first-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her
Mom noticed this. Mom asked, "What makes you so happy today?"
The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"
Thinking that first grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to
tell her how.
"It's easy, Mom -- you just drop the 'y', and add  'i-e-s', " the daughter said.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not
get one as there is a shortage."
The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian said, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker said, "What the @#$%& is excuse me?" » Reynold's Wild West ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 163 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 1017 ) Gmail Filters  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Thursday, January 14, 2010 A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world. --- Edmond de Goncourt To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle. --- George Orwell Miss Prissy was going over Melvin's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your precious child called me a 'dumb cluck' ." Son: Why is Father singing to the baby so much tonight? Mother: He is trying to sing her asleep. Son: Well, If I were her, I'd pretend I was asleep. Thanks to Lillemor for this pictrue from Finland Sure reminds me of the Yukon, but doesn't really make me homesick. If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sympatico.ca and BELL Support mailbox over quota This Message was undeliverable due to the following reason: The user(s) account is temporarily over quota. support@sympatico.ca Reporting-MTA: dns; tomts21.bellnexxia.net Arrival-Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 16:38:02 -0500 Received-From-MTA: dns; toip29.srvr.bell.ca (67.69.240.31) Original-Recipient: RFC822; support@sympatico.ca Final-Recipient: RFC822; support@sympatico.ca Sympatico has never been praised for reliability, but it must be pretty bad these days, if even their support mailbox is over quota. Those boneheads need support desperately! From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marlene Re: Your letter is blocked i have subscribed on hotmail, gmail both and your letter is blocked most of the time so now i keep a link on the desktop and just read from the web everyday. so glad you mentioned the voting favorites recently, i thought i could only vote for one, so was voting every other day between you and ophelia. now you both get voted for. -- Marlene Dear Marlene With Gmail you can make a filter. Click on Settings Make Filter In the filter, you can use the FROM field and put in humor@webby.com or the SUBJECT field. The subject line always starts with Humor: and has since 1994, to make it easy to automatically filter it into a humor mailbox. In the early days, spam was not a problem, but neat sorting was high on people's priority list. For the Action select "Never send it to spam" A lot of people use Gmail for filtering their mail. It does an excellent job on that, and keeps a searchable archive of the spam. Just make sure the spam doesn't get you over the 73 GB limit. Otherwise ALL mail stops. Set Gmail to forward the (filtered) mail to a new ISP based address, and tell your ISP to exclude it from any and all filtering. Have FUN! DearWebby I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She told me that they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Sewing Patterns in Ziplock Bags I do a lot of sewing, using the same patterns over and over. After a while, I've lost pieces, which drives me nuts! I finally figured how to solve the problem. After I cut a pattern apart, I put it in a ziploc bag, with it's envelope. I don't have to worry about pieces slipping out if it's turned upside down, and it's easy to store. Won't get torn or wet. By crafty nanny from Hartwick, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir," one of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150? "It's actually quite simple," the old fellow replied. "I just never argue." "That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow shrugged his shoulders and said: "Hmmm, could be you're right." » Snow Deep ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 253 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 611 ) How to re-install Windows  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Wednesday, January 13, 2010 Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. --- Sir Winston Churchill Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. --- Albert Schweitzer Thanks to Scooter for this: My wife asked me what I was doing today, I told her "nothing". She told me that’s what you did yesterday. I told her, I’m not finished yet. German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig too. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network. Scottish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. So they concluded that the bulge in the kilts of the ancient Scotts 55,000 years ago, must have been cellphones. If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Escobar, 40, Vasquez, 29, Ramos, 25 and Machados-Chicas, 34.of Conroe, Texas. 4 men arrested in botched Conroe jewelry store burglary Police captured a band of burglars who made several mistakes when they broke into a Conroe jewelry store Monday morning, officials said. The lookout man failed to disable the alarm system at Camillo's Fine Jewelry, 2107 W. Davis. The suspected getaway driver was found sleeping in his car, Conroe police said. The alarm company notified Conroe police about 2 a.m. about the break-in. Officers converged on the store, covering the front and back of the building. As the officers were checking the back of the building, two men suddenly ran out the front door. They were arrested about 100 yards away. A man believed to be the lookout also was captured, authorities said. Conroe police said the burglars cut a hole through the roof to gain entry the store but tripped the still-operating alarm system. The getaway driver was asleep in a 1998 Chevrolet Lumina less than a mile away from the store when police arrived. Evidence was found linking him to the break-in, authorities said. Conroe police identified the suspects as Alberto Carlos Escobar, 40; William Renee Vasquez, 29 ; Christian Javier Ramos, 25, and Santos Orlando Machados-Chicas, 34. They have been charged with burglary of a building and engaging in organized criminal activity. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joanne Re: Can't re-install Windows Dear Webby, I have been a fan of yours for years and have used a lot of the advice you have given. Now I have a problem I hope you can help me with. My computer is so slow, takes about 15 or 20 minutes just to get it up and running. I was told to reboot it. I tried to put the original CD's in but it would not work. Then someone told me I had to dump it all first, but wasn't told how. Can you help me. I am to the point I don't want to even use it as it is just too slow. Thanks for any help you can give me. Joanne Dear Joanne First, back up your addresses, bookmarks, pictures and music, either onto CDs, DVDs or onto the net. Don't bother backing up programs. You have to re-install them anyway, but make sure you print the registration numbers for every program that you paid for! To format and re-install Windows you first have to tell it to consider the CD drive as the first choice of boot devices. To do that you need to get into the BIOS Set-up. When you turn it on, you first see a black screen with just the message which Function key to press to get into the setup. It shows that for only a second or so. The Support at your computer maker can also tell you. In the BIOS set the first boot device to the CD, then put the Windows Set-Up CD into the drive, and do a full power-off reboot. Once you have done that and boot up with the Windows Set-Up CD, it will ask you if you REALLY want to permanently dump the mess on the hard drive. When you tell it to go ahead, it does that. Permanently. You can't undo that if you remember later, that you forgot to back up your half finished tax return. After formatting, it will install Windows and your computer will again be just as fast as on the day you bought it. Have FUN! DearWebby A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. When he finally gets home, he starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards. An empty pint bottle in his back pocket broke, and carved up his buttocks. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror and noticed the injury. He repaired the damage as well as he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered !" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror." Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Your Raises I recently got my annual raise and have been putting it into savings. If i don't use it, it's like I never got it! A friend of mine read somewhere (not sure where) that a person has been living on the same salary for 10 years by doing this! So yes, it can be done! By Donna from Northlake, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: The other night I was waiting for a date getting ready to go out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick and all kinds of stuff I don't even know the names of, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?" Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked During a phone conversation, my niece mentioned that she was taking a psychology course at university. "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," she replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester." » Edgar Mueller ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 207 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 424 ) Stop Taskbar from hiding under open windows  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Tuesday, January 12, 2010 The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking. --- John Kenneth Galbraith The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact. --- Thomas H. Huxley (Facts didn't stop Al Gore and the Algorian Sheep!) An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it willl carry. The movie is a remake of a Roman Gladiator-type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions. The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie. The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?" "This movie should be rated 'R'," she says, "because those Jews are being fed to the lions!" The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews." "Oh..... Ok. Well, start the movie up again." A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?" She points to the screen. "Those lions over there... they're not eating!" A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens blaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief. "No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled about what is down here, would you have rescued me?" If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Richard Anthony Flores, 25, of Chandler, AZ One man Bozo Parade A Chandler man suspected of standing through his open sunroof while speeding on Valley freeways has turned himself in. Arizona Department of Public Safety officers arrested 25-year-old Richard Anthony Flores on suspicion of reckless driving and criminal speed. Flores was involved in three incidents on Valley freeways. During the first incident on Nov. 6, Flores reportedly reached 90 mph in a 65 mph zone on the San Tan portion of the Loop 202 near Lindsay Road. In the other two incidents, Flores was captured on camera driving his Volkswagen Passat while standing through his sunroof. Those incidents occurred minutes apart on Nov. 11 on westbound U.S. 60 near Mesa Drive, then Alma School Road. Flores reached speeds of just under 80 mph, according to DPS. is car insurance is expected to be higher than his car payments for a long, long time. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Deeli Re: Taskbar is hiding Dear Webby, Had to reformat so lots of things are working differently now :-( I'll adjust ;-) The one thing that's driving me crazy though is that when I open email or Google they are completely full screen and not on top of the task bar anymore (hiding the task bar) :-( Is there any way to fix that or am I just stuck with it ??? It's a pain in the butt to have to minimize when several things are open and having to move them around to find what I am looking for instead of being able to directly minimize to the task bar :-( Deeli Dear Deeli Click Start Click Settings and then Taskbar and Start Menu Once in the Taskbar and Start Menu Properties window check the Auto-hide the taskbar option if you wish to enable this feature or uncheck this option to disable it. Depending on your version it might be worded differently, but meaning the same. Like most things, this works easier and more predictably in Classic mode than in Yuppie mode. Have FUN! DearWebby Joe sets Jim up to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Jim is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly and scary?" says Jim, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Jim knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: ..."Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Small Jars Organized in a Plastic Basket I live alone and have a pretty small refrigerator. I bought a little plastic basket from the dollar store and put all my jams, jellies, etc. in it on the bottom shelf of my refrigerator. It makes it a lot easier to find smaller items, just pull out the basket and it's all there. It's just something I thought up while cleaning out my refrigerator one day and found jars here, there and everywhere. By Barbara from Evington, VA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Marietta phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER "Well, the air bag works." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked One day a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?", they ask. It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." » Windchill Factors ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 254 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 2.9 / 487 ) how to uninstall Personal Security?  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Monday, January 11, 2010 The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage, She wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress. --- David A. Sonntag (When you re-tell this joke, you'll have to replace Kentucky and Tennesee with the names of states in your area.) On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped." Sam made an appointment with a urologist, famous for his work in the field of impotence. The doctor examined him and said, "You're in remarkably good condition for a man of 85. Why are you here?" Sam replied, "My friend Max says he has sex twice a week. I can't do that." The doctor shrugged. "Yes you can. You can certainly SAY you have sex as many times a week as you like." A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." Thanks to dad for this picture: What is THAT? If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven Alan Locasio, 48, and Christine Locasio, 50, in Marathon, Florida Cops plant ransom note for pot plants A marijuana grower thought his small crop was being held for ransom after a suspicious note was left in place of his plants, the Monroe County Sheriff's Office said. "Thanks for the grow! You want them back? Call for the price … we'll talk," read the note left in place of the stash that was growing on a lot near his apartment. Unfortunately for Steven Alan Locasio, 48, the ransom note was written by detectives, who arrested Locasio when he showed up with$200 in exchange for the safe return of the pot plants.

According to the Sheriff's Office, a resident called to report
that the plants were growing in a wooded lot off of Coco Plum
Drive in Marathon. Police found six plants, took them for
evidence and left behind the note. Locasio called the number
to arrange the exchange.

He handed detectives the cash and they arrested him, the
Sheriff's Office said. A search of his apartment turned up 20
more marijuana plants, several Oxycontin pills and $1,380 in cash. Locasio and his wife, Christine Locasio, 50, were both charged with cultivation of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia and sale of marijuana. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: how to uninstall Personal Security? Dear Webby, Please help! Can you tell me how to uninstall Personal Security? Thanks, Linda Dear Linda That is some wicked malware! Considering the places, that you apparently have surfed to, you really should get a reasonably decent anti virus program! The removal instructions are here Print them out and get a highlighter or crayon to mark off each step. Please note that at one point you are supposed to ignore the on-screen istructions about rebooting, and at another spot you are supposed to follow the instrucions. So, don't try to memorize the instructions, print them out and check off each step. Have FUN! DearWebby While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, she busied myself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers." "That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already house trained." Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thanks to Deeli for this update on yesterday's tip: Here's something that might be helpful to you (or maybe not) but you can get 100 tea light candles from Walgreen's Pharmacy if you buy four packages of 25 for only$10.00 total ;-)
They're two packs of 25 for $5.00 each, and they are even scented ;-) My choice is Vanilla ;-) Deeli Thanks to Elsie for another update tip: You better put a real or fake cactus onto those box sconces! Cats just love jumping up on them to look down on their servants. While that looks cute, when they are kittens, an old, fat cat will eventually wreck the box and the candles spill all over the place. Now each of ours have a nasty looking cactus on them, and the cats don't even try to jump up onto them from half way across the room. Elsie Use Plastic Coffee Containers for Paint Cans This is one from my hubby. He has me keeping all of the 2 pound plastic coffee containers with the handles on them for future use in his shop. He builds houses and remodels them as well. He says these containers are perfect for holding paint while working on a house. He can hang on to it easily with the handle and they are very sturdy. By Julie C. from Liberty, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," replied Joanne. "Write it down," he said, as he was walking away, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked What is THAT? It is one of hundreds of benches along a scenic road. A ski lift company upgraded from 4-seater chairs to six seaters, and donated the old 4-seaters to be used as road side benches. In sunshine they get quite toasty and comfortable inside. » Spehrical Photos ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter  [ view entry ] ( 267 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 436 ) Is this letter from the bank a fake?  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Sunday, January 10, 2010 With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another. --- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. --- Lily Tomlin At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates." "Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..." A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!" A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." Then the teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore." There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back. --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to himself, tell him that was ....... a pipe wrench from Snap-On.. Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: The fish find their work environment quite interesting. If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Swiss court fines speeding millionaire$290,000
By The Associated Press
ST. GALLEN, Switzerland (AP) - A Swiss court has slapped a
wealthy speeder with a chalet-sized fine - a full $290,000. Judges at the cantonal court in St. Gallen, in eastern Switzerland, based the record-breaking fine on the speeder's estimated wealth of over$20 million.

A statement on the court's Web site says the driver - a repeat offender -
drove up to 35 miles an hour (57 kilometers an hour) faster than the
50-mile-an-hour (80-kilometer-an-hour) in-town limit.

Court clerk Heidi Baumann-Becker said Thursday the unidentified
driver can appeal the decision, handed down in November, to the
Swiss supreme court. (they usually just laugh at appealing speeders
and charge them Supreme Court fees.)

The Blick daily newspaper in Zurich reported the fine was more than
twice the previous Swiss record of about $107,000. ----- I grew up just across the Rhine from there, in Austria, and everybody there knows that traffic violation fines are based on the law breaker's estimated wealth. If you rent or lease an expensive car, they will fine you, as if you owned it. Keep that firmly in mind if you ever go there and rent a car. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Beth Re:Is this letter from the bank a fake? is this fake? ~ Beth --- On Sat, 1/9/10, chasebank.com wrote: From: chasebank.com Subject: notification: To: Date: Saturday, January 9, 2010, 2:27 PM We have detected a slight error in your account information. To eliminate securely this information error please download the form attached to this email and open it in a web browser. Once opened, you will be provided with steps to protect your account access. Thank you ! *Chase-Bank-Team* Dear Beth Yes, totally fake. Just dump it. And dump that attached html file too, without clicking on anything on it. If you click on anything in it, the crooks own your computer. Have FUN! DearWebby A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks." Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Be Ready For A Nighttime Power Outage We just had an hour long power outage (unexpected as it is 9 pm on a cold winter night). I learned three things tonight that I want to share (common sense but we all know that is not the way it works, LOL) 1. Make sure you KNOW where the candles ARE! it is easy to think "oh sure, I know exactly where they are" (want to bet?) and, during the day or when there is power by flipping the switch, it is easy to find them. It is not so easy when there are no lights (and damn it is BLACK) in here! 2. Make sure if you have pets (cats especially) that candles are not a novelty when they are lit. I had 2 out of three tonight who were determined that they had to stick their noses into the flame (or thought that they should) 3. In a pinch, a small tin can makes a good candle snuffer (something else I DO HAVE, but couldn't find it) Have a good night. By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, BC In most households, flashlights are devices for holding dead batteries. Don't fall for those shaker flashlights, unless you have spastic kids. They are quite a nuissance, and by the time you have used them long enough to find candles, you are ready to toss them for good. You can buy rechargeable flashlights that sit in the charger, always ready to use. As for candles, the only ones that are really safe and useful are "Tea Candles", the little candles in aluminum cupcake liners, used by better restaurants to keep tear or food hot. They are dirt cheap. At a restaurant supply store or over the net you can usually get a bag of 100 for around$20.

If you have frequent power outages, then it is a good idea to
make a sconce (wall bracket). Just get a rectangular cookie
or shortbread tin with a hinged lid and a piece of scrap
wood or cardboard as a spacer between it and the wall,
so that the lid can open. Attach it in a horizontal position,
with the lid on top, and the hinge towards the wall.

Keep your tea lights and a lighter in the tin. When needed,
open the lid as a reflector and light multiplier, and light one
or more of the tea lites.
You will be surprised how much good and usable light you get!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Anni caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if
we hadn't stopped her," said Sam.
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his
friend.
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the
curtains!"

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

From Cindy
Sometimes, when I'm in class,
I dream that I'm on a tropical island,
with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me,
sitting under a huge palm tree,
with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood
instruments of that region,
and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.

Of course, it would be so much easier without
everyone yelling at me to wake up and teach.

»  Chevy Collection

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Voting for more than one newsletter

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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, January 9, 2010

A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves.
--- Edward R. Murrow

A nursery school teacher was telling her  class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should
be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood
with his hands on his hips and said "I'm not free!"
Taken aback by the boy's positive attitude, she said,
"well, at your age I will admit that you are not allowed to do anything you
want, but what I meant is that your family can do anything that is legal.
Now, do you understand that you are free?"
"No -- I'm NOT free," he said looking up defiantly, "I'm four!"

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the
overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three
hundred pounds.
"I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor
twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

The Father, passing through the son's college town late one night on a
business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.
Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several
minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor
window.
"Whattya want?"
"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.
"Yeah!", replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch as usual,
and we'll sober him up in the morning."

Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:

Some people quite enjoy the end of the Gullible Warming ripple!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Ryan Densmore, 22, of Wallingford, Conn., and
Travis McKeaveney, 23, of Middletown, Conn.

Lost crooks asked police for directions
BRANFORD, Conn. (UPI) -- Police in Connecticut said two thieves
were arrested after stopping to ask a police officer for directions
back to the highway.

Branford police said Ryan Densmore, 22, of Wallingford, Conn.,
and Travis McKeaveney, 23, of Middletown, Conn., took eight
catalytic converters from the parking lots of several automotive
a police officer for directions to Interstate 91, WTNH-TV,
New Haven, Conn., reported.

"As the pair drove away, Officer Eula noticed that the rear
license plate of the vehicle Densmore was operating was covered
with some sort of material," Sgt. Gregory Watrous said. "The officer
became suspicious and stopped the vehicle as it entered I-95."

Watrous said police found the catalytic converters in the car,
along with metal cutting saws and blades.

"I knew that we had a group of thieves taking these items, I just
figured that that may have been a little better organized and more
intelligent," Chief John DeCarlo said. "Some criminals never cease
to amaze me."

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jerry
Re:Voting for more than one newsletter

Hi Webby My Friend,  Here's a question I've always have been
the EzlineFinder link... I then go to  Ophelia Dingbatter's News
page and read her daily humor and also "vote" for her page...
I was just wondering if both votes count, due to the fact that
after I vote for yours it will not let me vote again till after
midnight... But I can still vote for her's ... Ya know what I
mean, Do Both Votes Count ???
Thanks for keepin' us all in good sprites !!!
~~~~~Jerry~~~~~

Dear Jerry
If you simplify voting by registering, then you can click on
FAVORITES
Then next time you come in to vote, it shows you the vote
buttons for all your favorites, and you can click on them
one after the other, all on the same page.
AND,
using that method, you don't have to worry about confirmation
request emails. You take care of that by logging in. Since
no effort at all.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

A mother was teaching her four-year-old The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after
the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated
words, right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail
Amen. "

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Cook for Other Families to Save Money
To save money on groceries, you could find one or two families
who you know are very busy and either eat out a lot or order
in a lot. See if they would be interested in having you make
meals for them. The key is they buy enough groceries to make
enough for their family and yours. I find if you're making a
meal anyways, it is very easy to double it. I personally make
meals for two separate families. One family I will cook for two
days a week and the second I will cook for the remaining three
days, with the weekends being leftover days. Then on Fridays,
I sit down and make up the menus for the coming week and the
ingredient list for both families. They go buy the food and drop
it off to me for the week.
By Vicki from Nanaimo, B.C.

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I came across some notes from the days, when I was traveling
around the Yukon a lot. Some were quite funny.

From the granny in the "Scare North" parka (the stewardess):
"They remembered to put the gas cap on today, so we won't be doing the
usual circling back to the airport. Which is unfortunate, because they
forgot to put the cap on the coffee thermos."

And from the pilot during his message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...   They will be on the next flight."

One time in the 70s when they were still using their drafty see-through
DC3 from Whitehorse to Dawson City, Dennis the pilot was in a serious
looking conference with the stewardess and then came walking back,
looking pointedly at the bright red toolcase on the floor between my feet
and asked:  "Does anybody by any chance have a 3/4" wrench?"

I was on my way to fix a big generator and certainly did have all the
wrenches with me. After I handed him a 3/4" wrench, he went back
to the stewardess.

She handed him a beer. In those days the beer still had crown-caps
instead of screw-tops. He grabbed the bottle tighly around the neck with
one hand, leveraged the wrench over his thumb and expertly popped the
cap. Seems they had forgotten the bottle opener on that trip, and by the
time we reached Dawson City the stewardess got pretty good at opening
beer with a wrench.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Georgina likes sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought half a loaf of bread that had gone a bit moldy to feed
her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon
with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone.

Then suddenly a man rained on her  parade by telling her that she
shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food
anywhere,  when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.

After staring at him for a few seconds, she handed him the last chunk of
bread and said: "Since you are so full of hot air and good advice, I'll let you
take this to Africa"

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Voting Mystery

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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, January 8, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do,
and that is to contradict other philosophers.
--- William James

Confusion is always the most honest response.
--- Marty Indik

Thanks to Wendy for sending back this classic:
Harry urgently needed a few days off work,
but, He knew the Boss would not Allow me to take leave.
He thought that maybe if he acted 'Crazy' then the boss would
tell him to take a Few days off.

He hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny
Noises. Harry's co-worker who's blonde) asked him what he was doing.
Harry told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the
Boss might think he was 'Crazy' and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in  The name of good GOD are you doing?'

Harry told him that he was a light bulb. The Boss said, 'You are
clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
Harry jumped down and walked out of the office...

When Harry's co-worker followed him,
the Boss asked her, '...And Where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of
a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

Alex sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks,
"Where ya going boy?"
Elmer smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
Alex said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no
dang lantern."
"Yes, sure Alex, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Some Policemen in Britain are having a riot on the shields.

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Augusta Cannon, 80 in Kansas City, MO

80-year-old plays Robin Hood, robs banks
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) -- An 80-year-old Missouri man with a
pellet gun said he robbed a bank and tried to hold up another so
he could give away the money, court documents show.

Retired railroad engineer Augusta Cannon was charged with
attempted robbery of a U.S. Bank branch in Kansas City. U.S.
Magistrate Judge Robert E. Larsen ordered him held without
bond pending trial, The Kansas City Star reported.

Cannon allegedly pointed a gun at the teller demanding money,
but left when told the teller had none, the newspaper said.

After his arrest Monday, Cannon allegedly told FBI investigators
he had used the same pellet gun about 15 minutes after the
attempted robbery to rob a UMB branch of about $8,700. He said his motive for the robbery and robbery attempt was to give the stolen money to underprivileged children, the Star reported. Bank employees said$,8,700 was taken in the robbery,
but Cannon told police he had given away most of what
he took.

Cannon has not been charged in the alleged robbery and
less than $1,000 was found at his home in a subsequent search, police said. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Len Re:Voting mystery Good morning Webby A curious question about the Ezine Finder voting system. Last week your number was over 50,000 votes. Today, they are showing 645. Is that right or even realistic? Keep up the good work? Len Dear Len The votes get zeroed for everybody on January 1, and traditionally they mess up the first two-three days of the year, then the vote count becomes realistic and believable. By the end of January those first two-three days won't make any difference any more. Have FUN! DearWebby During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything." Both were excused. Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Swimming Pool as a Garden We used to have a swimming pool. We did not like to swim or spend so much money to keep the pool clean, it takes lots of money and time to keep it clean. I suggested we have it filled up with dirt so I could have a garden, We had it filled up, I had a very pretty garden all the year, very good idea. By Kathleen from Dothan, AL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time. It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile. Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped. Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?" Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure. He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?" Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!" Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited to participate in this memorable event." » Cold Comfort ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 221 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3.1 / 536 ) Alternate blog locations  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Thursday, January 7, 2010 Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. --- Soren Kierkegaard If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had. --- I. F. Stone A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. A minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife in the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame. She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read: "Please hurry home and shut off the gas." Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book. "Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?" "No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should." To get ready for the coming Ice Age, Ford Canada showed off their all new Ford Freezom SXY with dual front furnaces and rear engine. If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Dwight J. Brock Jr. of Mesa, AZ Sister Accidentally Runs Over, Kills Brother MESA, Ariz. (Jan. 3) - Police say a teenage girl accidentally ran over and killed her 17-year-old brother as the two played around in an Arizona shopping mall parking lot. Mesa Police spokesman Ed Wessing on Sunday identified the brother as Dwight J. Brock Jr. and his sister as 16-year-old Nicole M. Brock, both residents of Mesa. Wessing says the sister had dropped off her brother at Superstition Springs Mall Saturday evening. And then they started playing around, with the brother jumping in front of the car and the sister slamming on the brakes. The last time that happened the sister was unable to stop and ran over the brother. He was rushed to a hospital in critical condition and later pronounced dead. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re:Blog type Dear Webby If dstokes79 has a domain, she can use the full version of Wordpress from http://wordpress.org, or any of the full featrued blogs, like the one you or I use. Bill Dear Bill Yes, maybe she could, theoretically. However, owning a domain name does not mean having a web site actually set up and working, or that they have enough web skills to manage a full featured blog. When somebody is not a subscriber, has no signature block on their email, and doesn't even sign off with their name, then they are most likely not quite ready to go beyond the most basic type of blog. She can always upgrade later. Have FUN! DearWebby Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. his wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me a dozen pills!" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cutting Down on Craft Mess My whole family loves to paint and do crafts. To help keep messes to a minimum, I save all the foam trays from the meats we buy. They work great for everything: glitter, paint, glue and sorting beads. I even have other family members saving theirs for me. By Sarah from Berrien Springs, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: When Jean arrived for her daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling her that her little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk." "I don't understand that," Jean replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?" The teacher went on to reassure her that her daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!" Father: "What, son?" College student: "Remember that$500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father (beaming): "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it!"

»  Snazzy Shacks

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Where to put a blog?

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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, January 6, 2010

If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village;
If you would know, and not be known, live in a city.
--- Charles Caleb Colton

There MIGHT be Gullible Warming. On this planet it seems
to have moved indoors.
--- DearWebby

A Border Patrol Agent catches a guy that just might be an illegal alien.
However he begs and pleads and asks for a chance to stay. The BPA
decides to give him a chance and says:
"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence".
Of course, the man agrees to this. The BPA tells him,
"The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one
sentence."
The guy thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and
sez Yellow?"

A college professor asked his class a question.
"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000
miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how
old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon
said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you
arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22,
and he's half nuts."

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would
soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was
outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the
woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately,
no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally.
"I only know that whenever I die, the king will die a horrible death
three days later...."

Mom! Does "can opener" have a meow in it?

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Jeremiah Gilliam, 22, of New York

Xbox IP leads police to suspect

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Police said a suspected serial burglar was
arrested in New York after he used an Xbox taken during one of
his alleged crimes to play games online.

Pelham, N.Y., police said they traced the Internet protocol address
of the stolen Xbox to the New York home of Jeremiah Gilliam, 22,
involvement in 13 unlocked car burglaries, the New York Post
reported Friday.

"On the day of the burglary, the victim used another Xbox and saw
his system was already online," Pelham Detective John Hynes said.
"At the house, we found Xboxes, PlayStations, GPS units, laptops --
a total of 53 items, including stolen credit cards."

Hynes said the items are believed to be from as many as 200 car
break-ins and multiple home burglaries.

Gilliam was arrested and charged with grand larceny.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: dstokes79
Re:Blog

Hello Webby Rep, I'll would like to set up a new web site
and blog for a very inexpensive cost. I juat di=on;t no where
to begin. Can you help me. I already have my domain.

Hi dstokes79
Just go to http://wordpress.com
You need to have a name for it, choose a user name and a
password. They will set it up and send you all the information

A Wordpress.com blog is very basic and simple, and allows
you to get the experience needed to get into fancier blogs like
the one at http://webby.com/humor/blog

You don't need to have a web site of your own for a Wordpress.com
blog, and there are many hundreds of eBooks available with
detailed instructions and tips and tricks about Wordpres.com
style blogs.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.'
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons
that nobody ain't got?"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Give Each Child Their Own Colored Towel
Do less wash, buy each child a towel in their own color.
When my 4 kids were growing up, I had a problem with
them just throwing their bath towels onto the bathroom
floor. I remedied this by buying each child their own
towel in their own color. The rule was that they were
each responsible for their own towel. They had to use
the same towel all week long. I'd wash them all every
Saturday. If I saw a towel on the floor, I knew who it
belonged to. This not only stopped me from yelling
about it, it also taught them to take care of their
belongings. Believe me, you'll do whole lot less wash!
By Cyinda from Seattle

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When Gore put both feet in his mouth at the same time,
he didn't really have a leg to stand on.

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

»  1st Olympic Archway

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Music Extraction

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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing
the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
--- Bruce Grocott

Charm is the quality in others
that makes us more satisfied with ourselves.
--- Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Officers were being lectured about a new computer.
The instructor said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and
chemical attacks.

Then he hollered, "There will be no eating or drinking in my class!
Get rid of that coffee!"
Joe inquired meekly "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill will wreck the Keyboard".

A careful study of economics reveals that the best time
to buy anything, was last year.

That reminds me....
Greg complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's Keli. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," Greg insists.
"Every argument we have, she'll go
"But I still remember that time five years ago when you said...."

Thanks to Sandie for this picture:

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Melodi Dushane, 24 of Toledo, Ohio

Ohio woman hit window over lack of nuggets
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) -- Police say an Ohio woman punched through
a McDonald's drive-through window because Chicken McNuggets
weren't available. Police were called Friday to the restaurant
in Toledo.

Police say 24-year-old Melodi Dushane was treated for injuries,
then jailed. She pleaded not guilty to a vandalism charge. She
was released on a recognizance bond and ordered not to have
contact with the restaurant.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Anise
Re:Get the music from PPS files

Dear Webby,
How do I get the music from PPS files?
Most of the PPS files sent to me have either great pictures
OR great music, but usually one of them is not worth keeping.
So, how do I get just the music?
Anise

Dear Anise
You need a Program: PowerpointImageExtractor by Alain Lecomte
http://alainlecomte.free.fr

It puts the music and the pictures into a new and separate
folder, so that they are easy to find. Using the program is a

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
'Take a clean dish and....' "

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Freeze Lemon Peels to Freshen Garbage Disposal
One way to save money on food is to learn about baking yeast.
You can find a whole pound of it for about $2.50 at little shops or places that sell in bulk and you use it a tablespoon at a time - it lasts for months in the refrigerator. There are plenty of sites on the internet that will walk you through the process of making bread. The best advice I ever read about baking bread concerns how to know if your dough is kneaded well enough. If you stretch a piece of it and it holds together like a smooth sheet, it's ready to set aside to rise. Another trick of the trade is to let the dough rise three times before you shape it into loaves. The yeast will have thoroughly altered the flour, making it easy to digest and easing any worry that there is still live yeast in the bread. I also have learned to bake as much bread as our family will eat in a day or two and freeze the rest of the completely risen dough. When I'm ready to bake it I let it thaw completely, then shape it, rest it and bake it. The finished product will taste better than anything you can buy in the store, and will cost less than the most marked down loaf on the shelf. By Linda from Weirton, WV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic a while back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate just for you!" Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked "I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born." » Borneo Critters ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 219 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 366 ) Extract music from PPS and PPT  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Monday, January 4, 2010 What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. --- Mo Udall A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey." One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a$100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a$10 sermon that lasts a full hour,
and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."

Don't Tell!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Larry Bernard in Franklin, Indiana

Underwear a poor disguise for robber
INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- A robber's disguise -- women's panties --
wasn't enough to keep witnesses from identifying him, leading
to an arrest by Indiana police, officials said.

A man brandishing a large knife and covering his face with
underwear robbed a convenience store in Franklin, Ind.,
Monday. He made off with cash, cigarettes and a lighter,
WRTV, Indianapolis reported.

A customer and the station clerk saw through the disguise
and were able to provide a description of the robber detailed
enough to lead police to set up surveillance around a Franklin
home. Officers spotted Larry Bernard stumbling and
intoxicated with a 12-inch knife in his waistband, Franklin
Police Lt Chris Tennell said.

Panties, cash, cigarettes and a lighter matching the stolen
one were found in his pockets, police said.

Bernard was taken to Johnson County Jail and held on
$21,000 bond, WRTV reported. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anise Re:Get the music from PPS files Dear Webby, How do I get the music from PPS files? Most of the PPS files sent to me have either great pictures OR great music, but usually one of them is not worth keeping. So, how do I get just the music? Anise Dear Anise You need Program: PowerpointImageExtractor by Alain Lecomte It is Freeware. You can download it from http://alainlecomte.free.fr It puts the music and the pictures into a new and separate folder, so that they are easy to find. Using the program is a LOT easier than finding it. Have FUN! DearWebby The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, what is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. I'll get you a new cat in the morning..." Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Lemon Peels to Freshen Garbage Disposal I appreciated the tip about saving lemon peels in the freezer for future recipes, that call for lemon rind or zest. I would like to add that by saving lemon peels in the freezer, you can use a few of them in the garbage disposal periodically. This will freshen the smell, and cleanse the disposal. Hope this helps some people. By Donna Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope." "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope." "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope." Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I don't have to. I'm not lost." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked John was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds." John replied, "Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting." » Striped icebergs ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 1 view ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 1072 ) Fried Video  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Sunday, January 3, 2010 "THE BUDGET SHOULD BE BALANCED, THE TREASURY SHOULD BE REFILLED, PUBLIC DEBT SHOULD BE REDUCED, THE ARROGANCE OF OFFICIALDOM SHOULD BE TEMPERED AND CONTROLLED, AND THE ASSISTANCE TO FOREIGN LANDS SHOULD BE CURTAILED LEST ROME BECOME BANKRUPT. PEOPLE MUST AGAIN LEARN TO WORK, INSTEAD OF LIVING ON PUBLIC ASSISTANCE". --- CICERO, 55 BC Jill walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent. Jill rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!" After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work just as soon as your check clears!" The boss went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't" replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her!" Thanks to Sandie for sending this: If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to A Sicilian man Man opts for jail over New Year with relatives Fri Jan 1, 2010 10:53am EST ROME (Reuters) - A Sicilian man stole sweets and a packet of chewing gum so he could get arrested and spend New Year's Eve in a jail cell rather than be with his wife and relatives, Italian media reported on Friday. The 35-year old Sicilian first showed up at a police station on Thursday asking to be arrested because he preferred spending the night in prison rather than with his family, but was rebuffed because he had not committed a crime, the Agi news agency said. The man immediately went to a tobacco shop next door, where he threatened the owner with a box cutter as he grabbed a few sweets and a packet of gum. He then waited until police arrived to arrest him for robbery, the news agency said. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Earl Re:Fried video Hi Webby, Sure enjoy your newsletter and tek tips. A few days ago I hooked my old computer up to my 22 inch HDTV and monitor and as it was booting up everything was blurry, then I heard a weard sound and the monitor said no signal, now it won't do anything and the same message is displayed. Could this be a Mother board problem? or what else could it be? Is there anyway to reset it?. It's an e-machine I have had several years with XP build 2. I was using it as a backup and was wondering if it is worth fooling with or just take out the hard drive and take files off the hard drive. Thanks for any advice you can give me. Earl Dear Earl eMachines typically just have a chip on the board instead of a replaceable video card. Luckily motherboards are fairly cheap these days, just a nuisance to swap all the wiring from the old board to the new board. It is not difficult at all, but best delegated to a kid with good eye sight. The writing on the board is too small for most grown-ups. You might add a dedicated video card at the same time, so that the next TV monitor mishap won't blow the motherboard. Some video cards are made for different types of TV monitors, and some even have inputs for CCTV (surveillance cameras) and translate the analog signal to digital for use by the computer. Have FUN! DearWebby Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents. He was very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally helpful and obedient. But one morning, for some reason, he came down to breakfast in a very nasty mood. When his mother served him prunes, he snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them. His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that Lord commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish those who do not." But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the prunes were put in the refrigerator. A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars of thunder and flashes of lightning. "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's mother, "this will teach him a lesson." To their great surprise though, Robert came to the top of the stairs and called down: "Sounds like God doesn't want you to make such a fuss about some silly prunes!" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy Second Hand Appliances We sold our 3 bedroom home and moved into what is known as a 2 bedroom apartment home. We sold all our appliances with the house because we just didn't want to move them. I've spent over$200.00 + at the complex laundromat for
11 months. I was getting tired of the washers and dryers
breaking down. And I only did my wash once a week.

All the apartments have a space for a washer and dryer.
the gas connection. And we can't make any modifications
to the apartment according to our lease agreement.

We purchased a used 3-year old matching Kenmore Washer
and dryer for $375.00 +$40.00 delivery charge.

Kenmore Washer (large capacity) - $200 Kenmore Dryer (large capacity) -$175

The used appliance store gave us a 90 day warranty.

You sure can't beat the price of $415.00. Now is that being frugal or what? By MCW from Lewiston, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, you'd gone fishing." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Josh replied: "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost$100 on the Stanley Cup
Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

»  Lotus Flower

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Internet caused shaking

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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, January 2, 2010

Recap of last year:
Most ridiculous lawsuits of 2009

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
--- Ronnie Shakes

Wealth is not a matter of intelligence;
it's a matter of inspiration.
--- Jim Rohn

A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to
his friend,"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents
from making me go visit my weird aunt Helen with them."

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, the man left his hat on the bench, but
didn't miss it until they were back on the freeway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place
to turn around. The woman fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant, that they would be late getting to their destination, etc. She
called her husband every bad name she could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the man got out of the car to
retrieve his hat, the woman yelled to him,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my purse, too."

David and an Italian and an Irishman, all first time fathers, are pacing
nervously in a maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the
delivery room holding up a newborn black baby.

"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses her out in
Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"It blodie will betta not be!"
"OK, then it must be yours", she informs David, who sheepishly looks at
the ground and mumbles "It must be, my wife burns everything!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to a truck thief in Tacoma, Washington

Called 911 because stolen truck ran out of gas
RENTON, Wash. – A Tacoma man called 911 to report the truck
he had just stolen had run out of gas. But not only was he arrested,
he learned not all vehicles run on the same type of fuel.

The Washington State Patrol says at about 12:30 p.m. Monday,
a City Transfer employee headed south on State Route 167 spotted
the silver 1985 Chevy truck that was stolen from their yard
earlier that day. Someone was seen in the truck as it sat,
disabled, on the shoulder in Renton.

Minutes later, and before troopers arrived, the suspect called
911 to report the vehicle had run out of gas. When troopers got
there, they say the suspect tried to disguise himself as a City
Transfer worker by wearing a fluorescent green reflector vest
he found in the truck.

A City transfer worker identified the suspect as the person
who stole the truck. The suspect was arrested and booked
into the King County Jail.

As it turns out, the truck did not run out of gas. The suspect
apparently didn't realize that the truck took diesel. He topped
it off with gasoline and it became disabled.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Internet caused shaking

Dear Webby
Thank you for all the computer information. Love your letter.
My question is why does a computer like shake when on the internet?
I read where a computer should be reformated every three years
is this so?
Shirley

Dear Shirley
So far I have not heard about Internet shaking yet.

Usually the reasons for formatting and re-installing everything is to
get rid of all the utilities and fake speeder-upper programs that you
had fallen for, and also all other accumulated junk, that would be
too tedious to weed out.

Another reason for formatting is when somebody doesn't have a
good defragmenter like DisKeeper, and the computer is slowing
down, because most files are in fragments here and there.

Formatting and re-installing everything brings the computer up
to exactly the same speed as it had the day you bought it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband,
"Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so
overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied, "Yes, honey,
that was the happiest hour of  my life."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Browse eBay for Unwanted Gift Certificates
After Christmas is a great time to browse ebay for gift
certificates. You can get them for considerably less
most of the time. People get these gift cards and don't
want them, and would rather have the cash. Therefore
you get more bang for your buck, by bidding for them
on online auctions, such as eBay. Source: Something
I discovered while searching eBay.
By Karen from Union, SC

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I was just visiting some friends who have a farm. I was watching this one
rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend's wife came out to feed
them. The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin
eating.

I just stood there thinking to myself, "I hope I never get THAT hungry."

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Poor Ole was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens
fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him the chickens had the right to go
where they wanted. But the birds were ruining Ole's prize-winning
flowerbeds.

Two weeks later, a friend visited Ole and noticed his flowerbeds were
doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked,
"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"
Ole replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them.
He put up a fence before noon."

»  Snowshoe hares

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Laptop earphone jack problems

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Good Morning,  !
Happy New Year!

It's Friday, January 1, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

The more memorable the New Years Eve party,
the harder it is to remember to use the correct
number of the new year.

Then the preacher introduced the choir:
"This is our prison choir," he said,
"behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.  The first
boasted that his dad owned a farm.  The second said his dad
owned a factory.  The third boy, a pastors son, replied:
"That's nothin'.  My dad owns hell."

"No way," another boy scoffed.  "How can a man own hell?"

"Sure he can," the preacher's son said.  "My mom told my
grandma that the elders of our church gave it to him last night."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender
informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to
drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk
to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the
floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into
the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs
saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Gregory J. Oras, 37, of Oldsmar, Florida

Called 911 for a ride to another bar
OLDSMAR, Fla. (AP) - Authorities say a Florida man who called
911 claiming he'd been beaten and shot at was hoping the tale
would get him a ride to a bar.

Instead, 37-year-old Gregory J. Oras is facing charges of misusing
the 911 system and battery of a law enforcement officer.

An arrest report says Oras called 911 three times before his arrest
early Tuesday in Oldsmar, northwest of Tampa. He told the
dispatcher he had a broken nose and bleeding ears, and claimed
people were shooting at him.

Authorities say he was actually looking for a ride to another bar.

The report also says Oras kicked a Pinellas County sheriff's deputy
in the knees and a Taser had to be used to subdue him.

Online records show he is being held at the Pinellas County Jail

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carolyn

Dear Webby,
I have no sound (I wrote you about it before and it was just what you
thought. Where my headphones were plugged in, caused the problem.)
Of course it is connected to the Motherboard. Dell said for $449 they would send me a new computer since my laptop is a 2004. They will put Windows XP for me but they wanted$85 for Powerpoint. I can get that
free, I believe so told them no on that. Is it best to go to your tools and
again for letting me "bug" you! I have certainly appreciated
your help in 2009 and know I will in 2010.
Happy New Year to you!!!
Carolyn

Dear Carolyn
That headphone socket, that is soldered onto the board, just
needs some tweaking with tweezers. It has some little "feelers",
little flat springs. They just need to be bent inwards a little bit,
and the sound will be fine again until the next time you have sex
on the desk. Ahem, I mean until next time you accidentally drop
the bible onto that corner of the laptop.

If you do buy a new laptop, keep in mind that in the low price
ranges the screens are sawed off!

The yuppies just need them as status symbols, like their fake
$19.95 Roleggs, and they don't care if the screen is sawed off. Most of them hardly know how to use them anyway, they just need something to carry around for show. If you are used to a proper 4:3 screen, you will NOT be amused or satisfied with a sawed off screen! (Wide Screen) To test your bullshit-tolerance, put some wide duck tape or masking tape over the bottom third of your monitor. If you tear that tape off in less than an hour, don't buy anything with "Wide Screen" written on it. I and a few other people have been bitching about the sappy wide screen BS for years, and they are reluctantly re-introducing high resolution screens. They are still pricey, but they ARE available again now. We will not have to wait until astronauts walk on the moon again. It would be to your advantage to stroke those little feelers a bit, and make your current laptop last another year, until the prices for high resolution screens come down again. Have FUN! DearWebby A man dies and goes to Heaven. He was surprised to see God Himself at the Pearly Gates, but God explained that this was St. Peter's day off, and that He, God would check him in and show him around. Well, Heaven turned out to be everything the man had always been told: angles flying around, playing harps, reading, and just enjoying the things they had on earth. There were also pets there, and they were right by their earthly masters. Presently, God and the man arrive at a section of cubicles, and in each of these cubicles, there resides one person. "What's this section Lord?" the man asks. "Oh this is the section for those people who think they're the only ones up here!" the Lord answers. Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant a Tree for Each Grandchild We planted a tree as each of our grandchildren was born. We took a picture of the child along with the tree as it was being planted. We planted a Red Maple for our oldest grandson. Thirteen years later, it is a beautiful sight, especially in the fall. Our grandchildren range in age from 6 to 13 and I love to watch the trees grow as they do. By Tammie from Moody, AL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" So I said, "Of course, you can there," and shut the door." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny kneeling at the far side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle Festus. "Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. "The potty is on this side...." » New Year Around the World ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 199 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 555 ) Replace laptop keyboard  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Thursday, December 31, 2009 You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. --- Lawrence Peter Berra Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him. ---Booker T. Washington Resolved, never to do anything which I should be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life. --- Jonathan Edwards I'm sort of a pessimist about tomorrow and an optimist about the day after tomorrow. --- Eric Sevareid Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these expensive gloves? A: Buy her a nice diamond ring. "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?" "No, but that didn't keep her from yelling for two hours." A new secretary was confused about paying a bill, so she asked me for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you$23,540, minus 7%, how much would
you take off?" she asked me.

So I told her: "Everything but my glasses!"

Judging by how hard she threw the stapler at me, it seems
that was not quite the answer she expected.

Time to take down the Christmas lights!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Marguerite Engle, 45, of Rapid City, South Dakota

Driver Had .708 Blood Alcohol Content
Marguerite Engle.recorded a mind-boggling .708 blood alcohol
content after being arrested earlier this month when a state
trooper found her passed out behind the wheel of a stolen
truck. Engle's whopping BAC was measured by a Rapid City Police
Department chemist who tested a blood sample drawn from Engle

Engle is pictured below in a mug shot taken earlier this year
after she was arrested for assaulting a government employee
and being intoxicated and disruptive.

Engle was named in a two-count South Dakota Magistrate Court
indictment charging her with driving under the influence and driving
with a BAC beyond the .08 limit. A traffic ticket issued to Engle notes
that she "bonded out-hospitalized" after being collared in Sturgis
just before noon on December 1. Engle is also facing charges in
connection with her possession of the stolen vehicle.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sheila
Re: Can you fix laptop keys?

Dear Webby,
I have a few keys on my laptop that have become practically
useless, and some that are getting to be a real nuisance.
Can those keys be fixed, or is it time to retire that laptop?
Sheila

Dear Sheila
Just replace the keyboard!
Chances are good that some people are selling those keyboards
on eBay or Amazon for $10 -$15, and you can also order them
from the manufacturer of the laptop.

Usually there is an instruction sheet included that shows you
how to replace it, but you can find that online too. It is actually
quite simple. In most cases you just pry the bezel or frame
up with a small, flat screwdriver, then undo two or four screws,
unplug the old keyboard, plug in the new keyboard, screw it down,
fiddle the bezel back on and press it down with a book, and
it's all done.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over
the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on College
Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"Plowing has been completed. The six hundred and twentseven
students who went to move 26 cars can return to class now."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Use Fleece Throws for Warm Curtains
For really frugal and warm curtains, I purchased two of those
fleece throws that are on sale for under $5 and used the inexpensive gold clips. The two throws fit a 76 inch picture window nicely, and they come in dark colors also nice for wintertime. Mine came with a nice cloth bow tied around it which I used for tiebacks. By Peggy from Canastota, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving, I expressed my concern to him about our safety, with just us two working alone at night. "Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen." Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish what he theought was, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. The people seemed stunned. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, toilets and broom closets!" » Pike's Peak ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 294 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 379 ) Dump obsolete addresses  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Wednesday, December 30, 2009 "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." --- Albert Camus "Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." -- Antoine de Saint Exupery A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? I want to make it permanent!" A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together." "Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone." A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have." The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty." Come on out and play! If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joseph Anthony and Lisa Hill in Chatanooga, Tennessee Shoplifting scene turns chaotic at Chattanooga Wal-Mart CHATTANOOGA — Chattanooga police say a couple they believe was trying to steal a cart full of TVs and a computer caused chaos at a local Wal-Mart. According to a news release, Officer Josh Wright was off duty when he saw a man trying to force his way past a greeter with about$2,000 worth of stolen goods Sunday night. Wright
displayed his badge, but Joseph Anthony Hill said it was fake
and tried to force his way by Wright as well. Wright then
tackled Hill and arrested him.

Then Hill’s wife, Lisa Hill, feigned a heart attack and said she
did not know her husband.

After a witness told Wright the couple had been together in
the store, Lisa Hill followed the witness into the parking lot
and attacked her. The witness defended herself by stabbing Lisa
in the arm with a pocketknife.
Lisa Hill had to be treated at a local hospital.

Joseph Anthony Hill is charged with theft over $1,000 and assault on a police officer. Charges against Lisa Hill are still being totaled up. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Obsolete addresses Dear Webby, Merry Christmas. My address book is getting filled with a lot of e-mails that I don't know what they are. Can I delete them without losing something important on my computer? Rose Dear Rose, Yes, sure you can dump them. You can also weed out the Auto-Complete. Have FUN! DearWebby Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!" Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about declining health?" Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I almost couldn't afford cigarettes any more!" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Clearance Wallpaper for Shelf and Drawer Liners I buy wallpaper on clearance for about$2.00 a double roll
and I use it for shelf paper and drawer liners. You can do
a large kitchen and all your dressers with just 1 double
roll. Department stores put it in the clearance bin because
the leftover rolls are not enough to paper most rooms,
so they get stuck with it and practically give it away.
You can use double face tape, staples or tacks to
secure it if you need to. (I usually don't) I look for quiet
solids or prints, if you look around you can sometimes
find the nice heavy vinyl paper, but even the paper
rolls are all washable these days. I usually buy it when
I find it and put it away until I need it. So next time you
see it in the clearance bin pick some up.
By Diane from Rochester Mi

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Lola is on the phone, "Hello?  Pizza Shack?  Do you have
anything on special?"

From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie
haters delight.
It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses.

Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?"

"A map to the fitness club."

» Lights of the world

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



[ view entry ] ( 236 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 615 )
Windows Live Mail problem on Quest

<!--
//-->

Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 29, 2009

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that
One useless man is a shame,
Two is a law firm and
Three or more is a congress.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all
the other alternatives.
--- Abba Eban

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his
questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly," he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped.
"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Here is an annual favorite:
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now,
but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for
about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.

But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Q :What's the difference between the Government and the
Mafia?
A: One of them is accused of being organized.

Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to Kip William Keifer, 31, of Madison Heights, Michigan

Caught burglaring a cop's house
MADISON HEIGHTS, Mich. -- A 31-year-old man is charged with
breaking into the home of a Ferndale police officer.

Madison Heights police said the officer's 19-year-old daughter
called to report the break-in at their home in the 28000 block
of Alden Street about 4:40 a.m. on Dec. 18.

The daughter told police she was watching television on the
home's lower level when she saw a man she didn't know come
down the stairs. Police said the daughter used her cell phone
to call her father, who was sleeping upstairs.

Police said the girl's father, who is a Ferndale police officer,
chased the home invader down the street and was able to hold
him until police could arrest him.

Kip William Keifer, of Madison Heights, has been charged
with first-degree home invasion and given a $1 million bond. Police said he stole some money of a shelf in the home, but it was recovered when he was caught by the homeowner. His preliminary exam is scheduled for Jan. 6. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Laverne Re: Windows Live email problem on Quest Dear Webby, OK I added humor@webby.com to my address book and also on my email added site to come in with special color. Checked and could not see where it is blocked, I still don't receive it. I have vista, windows live email, AVG virus program, have checked it and don't see any thing to block it. How do I white list it like you suggested? Laverne Dear Laverne White-List is the same as Friend's List. You can try contacting Quest support, and tell them that the Humor letter jumps through all 20 hoops to stay "The Good Example" for newsletters: 1) Listed Sender ID, 2) Permanent IP address, 3) Proper SPF record, 4) Matching forward and reverse DNS, 5) Approved privacy policy, 6) Full contact information, 7) Strictly Double Opt-In, 8) Not on any blacklist, 9) Uses an IP address that has never been used for spamming, 10) Is family safe 11) Has live, same day response to replies 12) Has an on-line copy that is top listed at Google AND Bing 13) Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every newsletter 14) More than 10 year history of compliance to Best Practises 15) Works fine with all competent mail services 16) Does not have any attachments 17) Does not burden email with embedded pictures or movies 18) Calls pictures from a properly identified server with matching forward and reverse DNS and SPF record 19) Does NOT send solo ads or ANY advertising mails to subscribers 20) Is listed with the Ezinefinder (http://ezinefinder.com) Quest Support should be able to tell you what to do. Have FUN! DearWebby A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "No, you will probably die a lot sooner, but whatever time you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Cereal For Crumb Crusts Left over or stale sweetened cereals can be crushed and made into crusts for ice cream and other fruit flavored cream pies,also chocolate cereals for other flavors. Stale cheetos, corn chips, potato chips, can be used to top casseroles, coat chicken and thicken soups and sauces. Source: just my old cheapskate self By Eula from Killeen, Texas Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made. Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of address form." "How do I get one of those?" I asked. "We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?" Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Judy went to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cut for about thirty minutes, hands her a mirror, and asked, "How do you like it?" Judy replied, "It's nice, but could you make it just a little longer in the back?" » Pets in snow ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 206 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 617 ) How to move the task bar  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Monday, December 28, 2009 I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. --- Artemus Ward Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. --- Wilson Mizner Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. --- Henri-Frédéric Amiel There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously, the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Usually right after it breaks." After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby." Children's Unions went on strike today in Oklahoma, refusing to play with their new toys, demanding compensation for snow days occurring during the Christmas school break. Spokesman Butch Evans, an Oklahoma City 7th grader, said, "This, like, bites, you know. Like, we're already out of school, like, and now, you know, this storm could have, like, waited until we, you know, got back to school, so, like, we could get a snow day. This is like, you know, totally bogus." In a related item, the union also demanded that "time off" should also be granted to any union member who caught a cold during scheduled school breaks. Parents groups were expected to tell the kids to quit their whining, go fetch a beer from the fridge, and then clean their rooms, or "they'll be given real reasons to whine about!" If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an armed robber in Colchester, Essex, England Robber sticks around for a meal A DOZY robber was nicked while scoffing a chicken dinner at a restaurant he held up at gunpoint 20 minutes earlier. The 38-year-old is accused of stealing several hundred pounds after waving an airgun at terrified staff. But he then sniffed the tasty aromas at the Southern Fried Chicken branch and demanded: "Give me one of those Hunga Busta Meals too." He sat down to eat the meal and was still tucking in when armed cops alerted by staff burst into the diner in Colchester, Essex. An Essex police source said: "We've come across some stupid criminals in our time but this beats all. Normal practice is to grab the cash and run. But this man was obviously controlled by his belly rather than his brain. "After running in with a hoodie and scarf hiding his face, he took them both off to stuff his face with chicken. "The staff he'd just waved a gun at were gobsmacked. "He sat there eating for 20 minutes so they had tons of time to dial 999. Staff thought it was a bizarre TV stunt." The man, a double glazing salesman who cannot be named, is charged with possessing a weapon in a public place, theft and using threatening behaviour in a public place. He has been bailed to appear at Chelmsford Crown Court on January 4. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Annette Re: Moving the task bar Dear Webby, I hope you had a good Christmas and stayed warm. It was cold here in Tx. where I live , I dont like the cold weather, warmer the better. I appreciate all the help you have given me in the past! well I have a problem I cant fix today, will you help me? my bottom task bar is at the top again, I have tried clicking and dragging it to the bottom, doesnt work, can you tell me another way to get things back in place? any info. will be appreciated. thanks and I hope you have a very Happy New Year, Annette. Dear Annette No Gullible Warming in Texas either? Re the task bar: Close all programs or minimize them. If you still have the "Show Desktop" icon, you can use that to minimize everything with one click. If you lost it, here is how to restore it: Click Start, click Run, type notepad in the Open box, and then click OK. Carefully copy and then paste the following five lines into the Notepad window: [Shell] Command=2 IconFile=explorer.exe,3 [Taskbar] Command=ToggleDesktop On the File menu, click Save As, and then save the file to your desktop as "Show desktop.scf". The Show desktop icon is created on your desktop. Click and then drag the Show desktop icon to your Quick Launch toolbar near the START button. OK, now you got some elbow room. Right-click on an empty grey spot on the task bar, and take the checkmark off "Lock task bar". Next, click and hold that same empty grey spot, and drag the task bar to wherever you want it. It doesn't drag smoothly, but appears to stay glued until your cursor has reached another monitor edge. Then it snaps to that edge. Once you got it where you want it, lock the task bar again. Have FUN! DearWebby A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the platinum and diamond ring she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a fancy wedding ring like that is to never take it off and to soak it in dishwater for three minutes three times a day." Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Spaghetti Cooking Water to Wash Greasy Dishes Save your spaghetti water and wash your greasy dishes with it. The flour in the water somehow causes oil and grease to get trapped, and you don't have to scrub as much. By Tim from Science Hill, KY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle. "Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy and sticky mess they extract from smashed nuts of some kind?" When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast with peanut butter." Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked A lady called Delta and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?" » Flowers and fruit ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 212 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 2.9 / 471 ) dumped and lost icon  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Sunday, December 27, 2009 Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne "Either you run the day or the day runs you." --- Jim Rohn: Imelda reported for her University PHD final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers, and half of them are wrong !" An airport ticketing agent was working at the counter and began asking a passenger the required security questions. "Have you received any objects from an unknown person to carry aboard the airplane today?" "No," said the woman. "Did you pack your own suitcase?" she inquired, pointing to the traveler's rolling carry-on bag. "Yes," she answered. "Has your bag been under your control since you've been in the airport?" "Well, no, not exactly," the passenger said with a sigh. "The silly thing keeps either trying to go every which way, or else it's trying to trip me. I feel like I am under IT's control." In a cafeteria : "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." hand written underneath: "Socks can eat any place they want." If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Von Nicholas Stevens, 39 of Townsend, Montana Drunk fakes report of being shot An intoxicated Townsend man is being charged for numerous offenses, including lying to officials about being shot. Officials responded to a 911 call about an apparent shooting Tuesday night. A female caller said Von Nicholas Stevens, 39, was headed to St. Peter’s Hospital with a gunshot wound, Broadwater County Sgt. Nick Korthals said. Korthals said he informed members of the Helena Police Department, Lewis and Clark County Sheriff’s Department, and hospital personnel who were on hand waiting at the emergency room. Stevens never arrived at the hospital. Korthals contacted Stevens by phone. He said he’d run out of gas near Lakeside and was shot and in pain. Stevens told the alleged victim to stay where he was and someone would be out to get him. Medical personnel arrived on the scene and found a small scratch on Stevens’ ear and some dried blood, but no sign of a gunshot wound. Korthals said he had several deputies interview people who had been with Stevens at some point throughout the night, but no one mentioned shots being fired. Stevens accused a man of shooting him. That man can be seen on video surveillance cameras at a local Helena sports bar during the time of the alleged shooting, Korthals said. “Mr. Stevens continued to change his story,” Korthals said. Stevens was charged with driving with a suspended license and is scheduled to appear in court on Monday. Korthals said more charges are pending and he anticipates citing Stevens for obstructing justice and false reporting, and DUI, etc, but the investigation is ongoing. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: Dumped and lost icon Dear Webby, There was a new icon on my desktop toolbar that was really bugging me so I went to control panel and unloaded it. OOPS, now I can't play my music. Apparently realtek high definition something or other is what drives the CD's. Dummy that I am, I have no idea how to get it back. Can you help - Please. Thanking you advance, Patti Dear Patti Search for that program. If you didn't change the defaults in your Windoze to something smarter, it probably dumped it into the dumbest place possible: C:\Program Files If you have a smart set-up, it would be in E:\TOOLS or similar place. Find the program, look for an exe file,but not the setup.exe, and try starting the program with it. Once you have found the right file, make a shortcut to it, and drag it onto the desktop. if you can't find that file, then you completely UN-installed it, and have to download it again. If you bought that program, then you should still have a payment receipt with download instructions and possibly a registration key. Have FUN! DearWebby Before Linda got married, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting The Most Of Your Post-Christmas Shopping The Christmas frenzy frenzy is over and retailers are still trying to move merchandise from their shelves. Now is the time to shop if you can think ahead some. I gather up my discount bucks I got from buying before Christmas. While I was out before Christmas, I gave out my email address and got more online coupons. Any special day passes I may have gotten, I get that too. Just to make it a little bit better, I can shop on senior citizen day and take my mother or sister. A recent trip to a popular department store had me buying Christmas and Thanksgiving items at 95% off. Seasonal items will be the heaviest discounted. Avoid food items because they will not save well. Wrap scented candles in cellophane and store in a cool place to extend their scent. By Morganna from Anderson, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: The 75-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be many hundreds!" "And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said. "Naw," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!" Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes." » Volcano Island ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 224 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 628 ) Caked Computer  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Saturday, December 26, 2009 Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure. --- Murphy When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling - live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying --- Socratex "The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people", the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?" After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do their counting without a Chinese abbacus for 1063 years." B.S. Newswire Report A UN arranged Christmas prisoner exchange was completed today when the Mexican Border Patrol handed over Joseph Dinkerton, an American citizen, who was captured in July, 2009 trying to sneak into Mexico. In exchange the INS handed over 220,236 illegal Mexican citizens apprehended last week by the US Border Patrol. This Christmas prisoner exchange was observed by "Human Rights Watch," whose spokesman said, "This will go a long way to reduce future border infractions between the USA and Mexico." Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif., Too fast for hauling dope Two California women were taken into custody when a state trooper reportedly discovered about 20 pounds of marijuana hidden in luggage and wrapped Christmas presents inside their vehicle on Interstate 44 in Jasper County. The Missouri State Highway Patrol said a 2009 Ford Escape bearing Nevada registration was stopped for speeding at 7:37 a.m. Tuesday near the 13-mile marker of I-44. The driver, Brooke R. Molina, 28, of Nevada City, Calif., and passenger Brianna N. Berban, 22, Ojai, Calif., were arrested after a search of the vehicle. They were taken to the Jasper County Jail in Carthage and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Olivia Re: Christmas Caked computer Dear Webby, Nobody in our extended family likes those brick shaped Christmas cakes, so they are usually just covered with a fresh layer of giftwrap, and put away until next December, with a tag for the biggest cheapskate of this Christmas. Yes I have occasonally gotten a well traveled cake too, but not lately, and since it probably would have destroyed the shredder at the municial dump, I passed it on the next Christmas. Now there is a new wrinkle to that old tradition: A sawed off laptop. It is as wide as a regular laptop, but the screen is only 2/3 as tall as a regular screen. According to the sticker on it, it originally came with Vista, but then my useless son in law put Windows 7 on it and caked ME with it! My nine year old XP runs circles around it. I format and re-install XP every three years and as per your advice, keep unnecessary crap off it, as if it was an industrial work machine. I am quite happy with it for a home machine, but occasionally a little travel machine would be handy. I bought a spare XP CD before the prices went up, but I have no clue about where to get XP drivers for it or how to install them. . Should I try anyway, or just cake it next Christmas? Olivia Dear Olivia What a delightful tradition! Chances are pretty good, that you won't have any driver hassle. If you do, contact Jerome@ spiritscents.com. Even if you have to pay him for an hour of work, he can do that over the net and fix it up like it was factory pre-loaded with XP. I realize that the sawed off screen is a nuisance, but on short trips you can probably put up with that. Have FUN! DearWebby The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men, before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship." From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Hey buddy, wanna buy my share of a nice, big ship?" Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reusing Wrapping Paper If you get a gift that is wrapped with beautiful paper or a beautifully decorated gift bag with lovely tissue paper but it's all crumpled and creased, here's a way to make it look practically like new again. Iron it! Ironing with a medium hot iron and steam will take almost all the wrinkles and creases out and make it reusable. Caution: Keep the iron moving on the paper or it will burn. By Kalene from Oregon City Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time, he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away. A couple of miles down the road, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind a rose bush. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf." The irritable, Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you kindly get lost and stop peeking into every outhouse I go to? Ophelia Dingbatter's News No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked Nancy got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart" » Backyard bird pix ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com  [ view entry ] ( 1296 views ) | permalink | print article | ( 3 / 471 ) OE not receiving email  <!-- google_ad_client = "pub-4428587597166175"; //468x60adsense1 google_ad_slot = "1776333126"; google_ad_width = 468; google_ad_height = 60; //--> Good Morning, ! It's Friday, December 25, 2009 "God gave us memory that we might have roses in December." --- James Matthew Barrie "You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." --- Tom Wilson The four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. The budding young Yuppette had been dating a successful stockbroker for several months. Just before Christmas she asked her Mother, "Whatever can you give a man who has everything for Christmas?" Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied, "Encouragement dear, encouragement." Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Did YOU say "Holiday Bush? If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Elsa Benson, 53, of Kerrville, texas 911 Abuser KERRVILLE, TEXAS -- A Kerrville woman has been arrested after calling 911 when her husband wouldn't eat his dinner. 53-year-old Elsa Benson was charged with 911 abuse. Kerrville Police say she has called 911 for non-emergency reasons 30 times in the past six months. "The majority of our officers, if not all our officers, know this particular resident very well," Kerrville Police Department spokesman Paul Gonzales said. Last Friday, Benson called 911 twice. Unable to determine what she was saying over the phone, officers responded to her home, where the Kerrville resident told officers her reason for calling "She had called because her husband did not want to eat his supper," Gonzales said. In recent months, police say Benson has called 911 because she couldn't find her clothes and because her dogs had gotten loose, or about events that happened weeks before the call, among other non-emergency reasons. "These residents have been warned on numerous occasions about the abuse of emergency 911 calls," Gonzales said. Yet Benson keeps calling. From the Tech Support Pits: From: Geri Re: OE not getting my email Dear Webby, Please help me. I have a friend who works on computers and he checked mine to see if I could install the new windows. No problem. I am still considering it. In the meantime he transfered all of my outlook mail to a gmail account and now I am not getting any personal mail in the gmail and no mail in the outlook. He said all I had to do is sign out of the gmail and I would begin getting outlook mail again. Not so! I have important main I need to recieve and now he is too busy to help. I am not very savy but can follow simple instruction. Can you help? Thanks, Geri Dear Geri Why would you want to handicap yourself with the half-baked new Windows? And installed by a "screw-up and run" type "friend", who can't even set up your email properly! Did the eggnog backfire? Try to restrict access to the computer to only sober people, before somebody causes permanent damage or loses important stuff! I have no idea what your "friend" did to mess up your email. You will probably need a professional to sit at it to fix the damage. Have FUN! DearWebby In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a$100 voucher for your next
flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an
hour later.

About eight people ran up to the counter to

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat
down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter
announced:
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew
who'd like to volunteer, please step forward!"

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Food Scraps for Wildlife
If you are a mother who periodically finds half a peanut butter
sandwich, the bottom of a cupcake or a partially eaten cookie
left by a child whose eyes were bigger than their stomach,
there is a solution other than the "momism" about starving
children in Africa (China, Bangladesh, Uganda ...). In a friend's
house, the scraps are deposited in a large, covered, plastic
container labeled, "good-will can". The children know that these
leftovers will be put out daily for the birds, squirrels and other
animals who share the world with us. We have attracted
many varieties of birds and small animals that are fun to
watch and and have taught the children that they can share
with those less fortunate who are not human I do this with
leftover cat food, and food scraps but I put it into a freezer
container. When the containers are full and there are a half
dozen, I take them out to my daughter's dog who thinks they
are a wonderful treat. They arrive in a red grocery bag and
this dog KNOWS that they are for him (he shares with his
cat too!)
By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, BC

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for
Christmas," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first
time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best
Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to
play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom
gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day
and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it
at night."

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

People used the postcard sites again more than the year before
and saved a pile of paper about 6000 Meters high.

For our friends in the USA, the only country in the
world where some people are still using the quaint
cubits or roughly 19700 feet. So, picture a pile of
Christmas cards 435 times as tall as Noah's ark.

What would I tease you about then ?

» Country Music Internet Radio (Guaranteed no sappy Christmas commercials)

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Convert Internet dates to spreadsheet dates

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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  December 24, 2009

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties,
is looking for a job the next day."
--- Phyllis Diller

You can't depend on your eyes
when your imagination is out of focus.
--- Mark Twain

Little Johnny came home from school one day and
brothers or sisters."
"And what did she say when you told her you were an

And Little Johnny said, "Well, she just let out a deep
breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."

On their way to church to get married,
a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting
outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the
paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they
wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has
ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to
wonder if they really should get married in Heaven,
what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't
work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together
forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims  the frightened
couple.

"Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY
idea how long it's going to take for me to find a
lawyer?"

Thanks to Sandie for this picture:

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
goes to cops in Cremona, Italy

Cops total their Lamborghini
Italian police officers wrote off a £200,000 (\$320,000) supercar
given to them by Lamborghini when it smashed into a row of
parked cars.

The 202mph Gallardo coupe was one of two donated to police by
the luxury motor manufacturer to help with high speed pursuits.

Witnesses say the police car had accelerated massively just
before another car pulled out of a petrol station and forced it off
the road in Cremona, northern Italy.

Embarrassed cops tried to confiscate phone cameras from witnesses
but abandoned the plan when hundreds turned up to gawp at the smash.

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alex
Re: Internet date to spreadsheet date

Dear Webby,
If anybody would know, it's probably you.
We got all our client lists safely on the web, so that every staff
to be at the time. Now we need to get the names and addresses
and dates into a regular spreadsheet to send Christmas cards
to the clients. Names and addresses are easy, but all dates are
weird numbers, that spreadsheets can't convert to dates.

Is there a way to convert them to dates, without punching one
number at a time into an online converter?

Merry Christmas!
Alex

Dear Alex
On the web younormally use UNIX time, the number of seconds
since 01/01/1970. Spreadsheets usually use the days since
01/01/1900. Knowing that, you simply divide the UNX number
by 86400 to get days, and add 25569 (70 years worth of days)
to it. Then format that column as DATE.

So, if your UNIX date number is in column D, from row 1 to 5000,
and you want the human readable date in column E, put this into E1:
+d1/86400+25569
or in Excel it would be =d1/86400+25569
Then copy that formula down to all cells in E from 1 to 5000
and format that column as DATE format.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year
he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of
bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll
make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here
early on Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this
game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a
diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at
home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to
her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is
staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't
believe you all went to such expense for this golf
game. I patted my wife on the butt and said,
'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said,
'Take an extra sweater, it's probably quite chilly out on
the golf course'."

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Make Reindeer Food For Christmas Eve
Materials
* 1 cup of oatmeal
* 1 Tbsp. of brown sugar
* 1 tsp cinnamon
Instructions
front lawn on Christmas Eve. The glitter will sparkle under
the moonlight and will catch the eye of the reindeer.
This makes a great quick snack for the reindeer, while they
By Leslie from Brandon, MS

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of the
church was looking over the cradle when he noticed
that the baby Jesus was missing from among the
figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and
saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon
was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked
up the boy and said,
"Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The little boy said, "About a week before Christmas I
prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he
would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give Him a ride around the block in it."

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

English - Merry Christmas
Afrikaans - 'n Geseende Kersfees en 'n voorspoedige Nuwejaar
Afrikander - Een Plesierige Kerfees
Albanian - Gezuar Krishtlindje
Arabic - I'd MIILAD Said Oua Sana Saida
Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Basque - Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Urte Berri On
Bengali - Bodo Din Shubh Lamona
Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce
Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Celtic - Nadolig Llawen a Blwyddyn Newydd Dda
Chinese -
(Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
(Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
(Hong Kong) Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian - Sretan Bozic
Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
English - Merry Christmas
Estonian - Roomsaid Joulu Puhi
Finnish - Hyvaa joulua
French - Joyeux Noel
Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
German - Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek - Kala Christouyenna!
Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi - Bada Din Mubarak Ho
Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic - Gledileg Jol
Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit
Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Kala - Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latvian - Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Lettish - Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori - Meri Kirihimete
Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo - Merry Keshmish
Northern Sotho - Matlhatse le matlhogonolo mo ngwageng o moswa
Norwegian - God Jul Og Godt Nytt Aar
Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Papiamento - Bon Pasku i Felis Anja Nobo
Pig Latin - Errymay ristmaskay nday appyhay ewnay earyay
Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia
Portuguese - Feliz Natal
Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Romanian - Craciun Fericit
Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva i s Novim Godom
Serbian - Hristos se rodi
Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scottish - Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Serbian - Hristos se rodi!
Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt Ar
Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Waray - Maupay nga Pasko ngan Mainuswagon nga Bag-o nga Tu-ig
Zulu - Nginifisela inhlanhla ne mpumelelo e nyakeni

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com



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Missing 'Safely unplug device' icon

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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  December 22, 2009
Days are getting longer again!

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves
to be like other people.
--- Arthur Schopenhauer

--- Orson Welles

One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out
minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in
"When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God
is watching."
When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman
walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said,
"I'll take five."

When Little Johnny's family moved into their new
house, a visiting relative asked him how he liked the
new place.

"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Billy has
his own room, and Betty-Sue has her own room.
WE can have fun! But dad is still stuck with mom."

Thanks to Dianne for this picture:

Rescue Dog in training

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
and a Darwin Award goes to Lucas William Stenning, 32, from Bock,
Minnesota

Too stupid to live
Charges were dismissed against Lucas William Stenning, 32,
registration required of a predatory offender.
Charges were dismissed....because Lucas was dead.

In a related story, on the afternoon of October 17 in the city of Bock,
an injured "hit and run victim" was reported. The pedestrian, found
on the side of the road, died in the ambulance at the scene.

In a related story, police reported that a 32-year-old man had
concocted a scheme to stage an accident in order to obtain
prescription drugs. The plan was to jump out of a moving vehicle,
become injured, go to the hospital and receive narcotic
painkillers.

That plan failed when its mastermind, Lucas William Stenning,
died at the scene due to head injuries.

In other words: Lucas, 32, avoided a serious parole violation
because he was deceased due to injuries he caused himself
by leaping from a moving vehicle in order to obtain prescription
painkillers. DUH!

From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Missing "Safely unplug device" icon

Dear Webby,
Another question from one of your fans.  We do appreciate the
computer help as well as all the jokes and wonderful pictures.
I've lost the safely remove icon form the bottom of my desktop.
How do I get it back?
Shiveringly yours,
Shirley
from up north.

Dear Shirley
No Gullible Warming up there either?
Maybe we are not farting around enough?

The disappearing "Safely Unplug" icon is an ancient Windows
There is no fix for that bug.

However, there is a sneaky way around it.
Right-click on the desktop.
New
Shortcut
paste this into the Location line:
C:\windows\system32\RunDll32.exe shell32.dll,Control_RunDLL hotplug.dll

Next
Type in   UN-plug
OK

The proper icon for it, if you want it, is in hotplug.dll in the
C:\windows\system32\ directory, however, you can assign any
cute and sexy icon to it.

After that, to use the Unplugger on those days of the month,
when Windows has a headache and won't let you use the icon
A fringe benefit is that when you use yours, Windows feels guilty,
briefly blushes and makes the icon in the taskbar usable again.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people
medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop
out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a
bill from the lawyer.

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Freeze Whipping Cream In Ice Cube Trays
When I buy whipping cream, I buy it on sale. Then I pour it
into ice cube trays and freeze. Once frozen I put the cubes
in ziplock bags in the freezer. A cube is about 2 Tablespoons.
It's great when you only need a couple tablespoons in a recipe.
By Linda from CT

Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful!  I followed the recipe
exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's
the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right,
and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have
gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty
cents worth of ground beef '..."

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

An out-of-towner in New York decided to revisit an
uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the
city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he
said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first
came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried
waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

» Sand sculptures

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the
Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:

Please give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

Well, , that's all for today.

Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com

`

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