How to clean a laptop screen 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 31

Iran to give US bright pink toy spy drone as 'gift'
An Iranian toy maker has responded to US requests 
to return a downed RQ-170 spy drone by sending 
President Obama a bright pink model of the plane,
while mass production of copy-cat drones makes Israel
"very nervous".

Anticipating a profitable ruckus in the area, Russia opposes
UN, NATO and the Arab League in their threats to remove
Bashar, and is moving ships to more scenic locations. At the
speed they are going, they are expected to be "close enough"
before the UN comes to any confusion, ahem conclusion.

If against all expectations peace breaks out, they will move
some of those ships down to near Somalia as peace keepers
and pirate hunters, but they are prepared to spend the spring
Southeast of Cyprus, ready to run interference, if the Iranian
navy ships, that still mosey around the mediterranean, try to 
sneak closer to Gaza and force Israel to sink them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor. --- Robert Frost,
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 4-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mifter?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her own business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "They are for my girlfriend". She replied with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! You muft have REALLY skwoowed up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through for the large version. Angels Trumpet
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Anthony Spicer, 29 in Lynwood was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Ghosts lead to conviction Anthony Spicer had a novel explanation for why he was in an abandoned school that also had its copper pipes cut – ghosts. Spicer, 29, of Linwood, told police and the judge he only went into Linwood School, 4900 Eastern Avenue, because he was looking for ghosts. “When you were in there looking for ghosts, is that when you found the (pipe) cutters?” Hamilton County Common Pleas Court Judge Norbert Nadel asked him. “It’s supposed to be haunted,” said Spicer who lives near the school. “You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?” Nadel aske The judge then asked if Spicer took the bag -- which the judge believed was to be used to carry copper pipes out of the school -- in with him to fight ghosts. “Did the ghosts cut the copper pipes?” Nadel asked. Spicer didn’t give a good answer. Copper pipes often are stolen and sold at scrap yards. Spicer pleaded guilty last month to breaking and entering in exchange for prosecutors dropping a charge of possession of criminal tools. Nadel placed Spicer on probation for three years, ordered him to get a job and to pay $740 in restitution -- $440 for damage to some of the copper pipes and $300 to replace the window broken to get into the school.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dqavid Re: Laptop Monitor cleaning Hiya Webby, Very interesting monitor cleaning info but what do you suggest for a laptop screen? Love the Humor letter. David Dear David Exactly the same thing. The same as with cameras and eye glasses, don't spare the liquid! It is always a choice of liquid versus friction. A lot of people have a mini lectern or stand for their laptop, to raise the screen up to the same level as if it was a desktop monitor, and to make room for a decent, external keyboard. It only takes a second to turn the laptop upside down on the lectern to clean it, and have liquid drip onto the towel below, instead of running into the keyboard or even deeper. Letting it dry overnight of course is also a good idea. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Dorothy for this story: My son was in the process of bineg potty trained. One summer day, he came in from outside, all wet. I asked, "Did you have an accident?". "Yes.", he replied. "Well," I asked, "what did you do, water the trees, the bushes,...?" "Oh, no," he replied. "I went in the garage." Shocked, I responded, "Well, you shouldn't do that. It will start to stink and draw flies; now I'll have to go out and hose down the garage." My son replied happily, " But Mom, it's OK, I didn't go in our garage, I went in Jane's garage!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dry Milk for Cooking For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand for everything else. There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure exactly what I need. By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say 'babies'. She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One spring evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with daddy." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
» Blues on the Bay
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"





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How to clean a monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 30

Thank you, Sandi !
Sandi was the good news,

These news are rather disturbing!
Forgotten in Jail in New Mexico

Also disturbing are the news from Oakland, where a bunch
of masked chickenshits went on a vandalizing spree, including
burning an American flag inside a historical building. They cost
the local tax payers over two Million dollars. 

Apparently they were masked, so that their parents would not 
recognize them and cut off their allowance. The cops arrested 
over 300 of them, and plan to publish their names.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Talent hits the target no one else can hit, Genius hits the target no one else can see. --- Schopenhauer To err is human-- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --- Robert Orben You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it. --- Socratex
MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Hungry, Horny (Not always in that order)
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

A woman walked into her house to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on the TV remote, 2 were on the phone."
Thanks to Eric for this picture: Click through for the large version. Hopefully these will work for you. One is a flowering bush and the other one is a California poppy. Both are at the Eaton Canyon Nature Center in Pasadena Ca Eric
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Shellie Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Burglar returning for more HOLIDAY — At first, on Wednesday, she helped herself to some craft supplies. And a knife. A purse. One hundred CDs. The window curtains. Shellie Leonard wanted more, authorities said, and on Thursday she went back to her neighbor's house on Dalwood Drive with plans to steal a computer and electronics. Her neighbor was incarcerated at the Pasco County jail. But Thursday happened to be the day the neighbor came home — and caught Leonard stealing, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office said. Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Leonard remained Friday at the Pasco jail in lieu of $10,500 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Lynn Re: Monitor streaks Dear Webby What's the best way to clean a monitor? Mine shows streaks within a day or so of cleaning. Thanks Lynn Dear Lynn First, turn the monitor off for five minutes. You can leave the computer running, but turn the monitor off and ignore it for five minutes. Next, vacuum the entire monitor, but especially the screen, even if you can't see any dust on it. The dust is in the invisible little craters etched into the surface to make it less reflective. Then put an old towel below the front of the screen and sponge wipe the screen with plenty of window cleaner or vinegar. Use a very soft, non-abrasive sponge. Vacuum the screen dry. Repeat that a few times. Spray window cleaner onto the screen and wipe it off with micro fiber cloth or an old tee-shirt. Leave the drip towel in place because usually after a while all the excess liquid that seeped into the case will drip out somewhere. Have FUN! DearWebby
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During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. We normally sleep during your class."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dry Milk for Cooking For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand for everything else. There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure exactly what I need. By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space soon?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A man started to snore in his seat in church. "Please stop snoring,Sir." the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others." "Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I donated enough to this church that I probably own this whole pew, not just this seat, and I'll do whatever I want." "Yes Sir," said the usher. "But you are keeping everybody awake."
» Star Gazing
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Can't trust anybody anymore!"





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Removing a trojan 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 29

A friend asked me to build a can crusher for her, like one 
I built for a relative with arthritis twenty years ago.
Well, I don't have a well stocked and equipped workshop
any more, but I learned to use Google.

Target sells a Norpro can crusher for $10.99:
http://snipurl.com/cancrusher

I don't think I could buy the materials to make one for
that price. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. --- Nan Fetcher If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? --- Albert Einstein "A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's." --- Richard Whately
Thanks to Jack for this story: Italian divers searching the stricken Costa Concordia... cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at a bar on the dry, upper side of the ship. They've told the divers to bugger off, because they have all inclusive tickets, and they still have 12 days left.
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Wisconsin, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. "I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing." "I'm just worried", said a third one, that if the modem or the Internet break down some day, and we have to do all this by hand!"
Click through for the large version. Balzers, Liechtenstein The stret lights at the left bottom are from Truebbach, Switzerland The orange street lights at the left center are from Balzers, Liechtenstein The ridge going up to the Mitterspitz is the Southern border between Liechtenstein and Switzerland. It is a 3 country peak. The horizon from the top to the left is the border to Austria. The view towards the East, where the rising sun is above the Silvretta, is across Switzerland and shows mountains in Austria. I used to work during summers just a few miles to the left of Balzers. Money was much better there, and I quite enjoyed bicycling, and 12 Miles was no problem at all.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Tina Cafarelli, 37, of Lynn, MA Woman Stole Soda Just For Can Deposit LYNN, MA -- Authorities say a Massachusetts woman bought $64 worth of soda using a stolen welfare benefits card, then immediately fed the full cans into the supermarket's automated redemption machine for the nickel deposit. Tina Cafarelli, of Lynn, pleaded not guilty Monday to charges including larceny, property destruction and receiving stolen property. She was ordered held on $250 bail. Police tell The Daily Item that the electronic benefits card Cafarelli used to buy the 18 12-packs of soda had another person's name on it. The supermarket manager says the full cans caused extensive damage to the redemption machine.
Tech Support Pits: From: Barbara Re: Trojan Horse removal Dear Webby: I thoroughly enjoy your ezine and look forward to reading it each day. My virus checker, AVG, says I have two imbedded virus': Trojan Horse Downloader.Qdown.C. They show in "btiein.dll" and "down.cab" As a relative novice, I am at a loss to know what to do, or how to get rid of them. What do I do? Thank you for your help. Barbara Dear Barbara Try to get that AVG to remove them. The better anti virus programs like McAfee nuke that sort of stuff as it tries to come into your machine, and you can set them to just quitely do their job and not bother telling you about it. That is the way I run it. I don't give a hoot if it nukes one or one hundred a day, as long as it keeps all of them off my machine. It also cleans machines that have already been infected. Try cleaning the infection with AVG, maybe it has an option in it to do that. If that does not work, get bigger ammo, like for example McAfee Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Rose for this one: One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Nail Brushes for Cleaning Small Spaces I rarely use a nail brush to clean under my nails, as I use the end of a nail file. So I have a small collection of nail brushes I've saved from gift sets (frugal people save anything they think they will eventually find a use for). I keep a couple of them by the sink in the laundry room and have found they are great for scrubbing small spaces - a little larger than an old toothbrush and smaller than a traditional scrub brush. They have come in handy time and time again. By Marie from West Dundee, ILhttp://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One of my first evenings back from a business trip, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the top of the stairway. I told her: "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter." Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, Jane called the bank, and asked if they were open. They told her they had two windows open upstairs in the office area. Then Jane asked, . . . "I'm afraid of heights, couldn't you just let me in though the back door?"
» Dakuwaga's Garden
Sam and Greg, two guys who both could play Santa without having to use a pillow to ensure their circumference is close to the same as their height, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, Buddy !"





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Is it safe to subscribe to big companies? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, January 28

A number of readers asked me about how the security and
customs rigmarole for traveling to and from Europe is these
days.

I had been warned, that medication has to be in the original 
containers and that I need to have my prescription with me.
That turned out to be a hoax. For Europe that is not  required.

Security check here in Canada was routine. Naturally, I did
not have any weapons or explosives, and knew the routine.
Jacket and belt off, laptop out of it's case, wallet and keys
into the tray. 

My head, which has some metal parts in it, caused a beep,
and prompted a manual scan, but no groping.

After coming off an International flight in Frankfurt and prior
to transferring to a local flight, I was briefly groped. 
Customs was easy. Just a passport check. I had some 
Saskatoon jam. They never noticed.

On returning security was "casual routine". I guess they
knew, that terrorists are not welcome in Canada, and
the check was fast.

Customs on returning to Canada was quite casual too.
They knew that everybody returning from Europe probably
has a few chocholate bars, but that everything else is 
cheaper in Canada and not worth lugging through an airport.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." --- Doris Day Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL". --- Michelle Obama
Thanks to Don for this story: There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Until she is totally exhausted. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still awake."
Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to George Melvin Mitchell, 26 and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32 Couple caught stealing 11 pregnancy tests; Man's bond more than $400K A Lufkin pair are in jail after police say they were caught stealing pregnancy tests from a pharmacy. One of the suspects now finds himself with a collective bond of more than $400,000. George Melvin Mitchell, 26, is now in custody on outstanding warrants which were apparently raised after he no-showed a court appearance. He has four $100,000 each on three drug charges and one assault charge. Included with new charges, his bond is set at $404,277. According to the police report, a person at CVS Pharmacy, located at 1200 block of Lufkin Avenue, called officers to the store at 7:39 p.m. in reference to an in-progress theft. The person reported the suspects, later identified as Mitchell and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32, had just left the store after stealing pregnancy tests. The person said that Mitchell went alone down an aisle where the tests were sold and then called Harris over to him. Harris then removed several pregnancy tests from their packaging and hid them in her purse and then both suspects left the store, the witness said. The witness said they left in a white Dodge Stratus and a nearby officer quickly found it going northbound on North Timberland Drive. Officers stopped the car at the intersection of Atkinson Drive and had to run after Mitchell, according to the report. One officer managed to stop him after showing him a TASER. According to the report, officers found crack cocaine on his possession. Following his arrest, Mitchell refused to provide his name, instead offering a profanity each time they asked. Officers finally managed to get Mitchell's identity from Harris, who was detained at the vehicle. Officers found 11 pregnancy tests in Harris' purse. Because Harris has at least two prior theft convictions, she is charged with a state jail felony. Mitchell was booked in on new charges of evading arrest, possession of a controlled substance, failure to identify and theft. Mitchell was first arrested in March, following an undercover investigation in 2010, in which he allegedly sold cocaine to confidential informants. According to Art Bauereiss, a prosecutor with the district attorney's office, Mitchell has six prior convictions and he missed a court appearance -- two likely reasons his bond has reached as high of a figure.
Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Spam from legitimate sites? Dear Webby I am a recipe collector. I am a member of several different cooking and recipe ezines, much like yours. There are a great deal of recipe web sites as you know. Some do not ask for your email address, however I have run across a couple that look to be good sites but they ask me for my email address and a bit about me, but they are not offering a weekly mailing. Am I likely to get spyware from these type of sites. How about commercial recipe sites i.e. Kraft, Nabisco and so forth, do these companies waste time spamming and putting spyware on these sites? Perhaps this is a dumb question, but I have my machine cleaned up and am trying to keep it fairly clean. Thank you for the suggestion of switching from Norton to McAfee, I am amazed at the difference of what get through. McAfee is so much better in my opinion. Thank you Ron Dear Ron The big and well known outfits are normally quite legit. When they have something to lose, they toe the line. Legit outfits also have UNsubscribe lines, that actually work. With unknown ones I would be a lot more careful. Just give them a disposable hotmail address and put a forward into the ho'mail to go to your earthlink address. If that hotmail address becomes a nuisance, dump it. You can set up a forwarding address for each subscription. That way, if one of them collects a lot of spam, then you know that that company has sold your address to the swine. Name those addresses so that you can instantly recognize, who sold your address. If a lot of spam goes to ron-bbqmag@whatever.com, then you know the leak is at bbqmag. Have FUN! DearWebby
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What She Says and What She Really Means I need = I want We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I maxed out your gold card. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry I was wrong = Not as wrong as you Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse a Bird Bath Base Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the ground to give your garden extra zing. By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car... Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them, that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?"
» Iguazu Falls
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."





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How to view source in browsers 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, January 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



This winter really changed my feelings about hoods. I always
felt, that they were just for kids and maybe really severe 
snow storms. Even riding dog sleds in the arctic, I rarely 
had a hood up. Well, in the bush you need to be reasonably 
alert and keep your peripheral vision unobstructed.

This winter, though, with the cold winds, and my blood
circulation not what it used to be, I have used the hood on my
parka more and more often, and today even considered adding
some material to it, to make it extend a bit further to the front.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself there. --- Fred Allen What some call health, if purchased by perpetua anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. --- George Dennison Prentice
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Valentines is coming up! Chocolate has priority over beer.
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" "A Nissan." As the parts guy writes down "Nissan, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too." "Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Nissan 280Z water pump, part number......
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Manolin Villaverde, 37 of Miami, FL Gangster tangles with United Flight Attendants A Miami man who exited an airplane lavatory smoking is facing a federal felony charge after he tangled with flight attendants who sought to have him extinguish his cigarette. The incident Tuesday evening came an hour into a United Airlines flight from Houston to Ontario, California, according to a U.S. District Court criminal complaint. Flight attendants told the FBI that passenger Manolin Villaverde, 37, “came out of the restroom smoking a cigarette.” When told that he could not smoke on the flight, “Villaverde responded that he did not care,” reported FBI Agent Gregory Morse. A flight attendant took the cigarette from Villaverde and extinguished it in the bathroom. Undeterred, Villaverde lit up another butt inside the Boeing 737. A second flight attendant “grabbed Villaverde’s cigarette and extinguished it and again told him to SIT DOWN!” Villaverde was eventually subdued by a flight attendant and tied to his seat with plastic handcuffs, after he sought to push past that attendant. He claimed that “the captain wanted to speak with him.” United's flight attendants are usually the grand-mothers of Westjet flight attendants, they are the original "Coffee, Tea or Me?" stews, and veterans of many bitter Union battles, and are rumored to be behind the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. It is NOT a good idea to mess with them! Villaverde was charged yesterday with interfering with flight crew members. He is being held in advance of a detention hearing tomorrow morning in federal court in San Antonio (where the United flight was diverted). Villaverde’s rap sheet, which dates back to 2000, includes arrests for weapons possession, larceny, assault, and aggravated battery. Now tough guy enforcer got battered by a much tougher and aggravated flight attendant.
Tech Support Pits: From: Sr Anna Re: How do I view the page source now? Dear Webby, How do you view the page source now? I can't find it any more. Sr Anna Dear Sr Anna On Firefox it is still CTRL U On IE it is a bit more complicated: ALT P, then S or on some versions,ALT V, then C Have FUN! DearWebby
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A tale is told about a small town that had historically been "dry," but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern. A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene. It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible. The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that "no matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear. The tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and the Christians do not."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse a Bird Bath Base Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the ground to give your garden extra zing. By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When Bubba asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "No way," Bubba said, "Ol' Blue don't need none. I always do the drivin' these days. He drives way too fast and hits too many mail boxes!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked about?" And the clerk said, "Muggings on the sidewalk outside."
» WOW!
How to answer female telemarketers: **BEEP** You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline. Press one to continue. (pause) Now, press the other one. **Click**





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How to find a word or phrase on a web page 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 26

Here it was not clear enough to see the Northern Lights,
but here are some from Fairbanks
Northern Lights this week

Tromvik, Norway

Finland

There are lots more on the net, but these will get you started.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. --- Nicholas Butler A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --- Willis Player
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Valentines is coming up! Chocolate has priority over beer.
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

Human Resource Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
Click through for the large version. Blonde and foal
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to John R. Pacella, 38, in Willowbrook, Illinois Child molester got cops to beat the crap out of him Police in Willowbrook, Illinois, were surprised last week when they received a 4 a.m. emergency call from a man who "wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them," TribLocal reports. The man, 38-year-old John R. Pacella, wasn't kidding around either: As soon as police showed up at his door, he began pushing and shoving officers. The officers dispatched to respond to a registered sex offender's request for fighting them, were not intimidated, and after a brief thumping, he was promptly arrested. Pacella was later booked at DuPage County Jail with bail set at $100,000. He remains behind bars on charges of aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult, TribLocal reported. Police also told TribLocal that Pacella is a registered sex offender. The website Homefacts.com, which compiles neighborhood safety data including lists of registered sex offenders, has a profile for a John Rocco Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, whose record includes "Indecent Solicitation of a Child," according to the site. Isn't it amazing, what some people will do to earn a Bonehead award?
Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: How do I find a word on a web page? Dear Webby, How do I find a word on a long web page? A friend told me to use CTRL F3, but that knocks off the WiFi (Aircard). What do i do? Ann Dear Ann With FireFox use simply Ctrl F to Find. When you hit CTRL F, a little strip opens at the bottom left corner, asking you what it should FIND for you. It is an Incremental Find, that narrows the search down one letter at a time. If it beeps at you, then there is no point continuing, because there is no word on that page, that has the letters, that you have so far. Usually, that is a sign of a typo, and stops you from continuing with that typo in the search word. You can also use phrases consisting of a few words, and there is a Next and a Previous button beside it. It does not take much to get used to the CTRL F finder. It tends to become indispensable quickly. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If you die in the meantime, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Coffee Filters for Embroidery Machine Backing If you have an embroidery machine, don't buy that expensive backing. When I bought mine, the man told me to just go to the dollar store, buy some cheap coffee filters, and press them out. They work great! By roseoma3 from Liberal, MO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Just before the public viewing at a funeral parlor, a widow notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place. A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem. She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!" "Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie, how much did those three nails cost to put that toupee in place last month?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At a diner, I was standing in line behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?" As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking about leaving a tip for the cook. Next you go check and see if McDonalds will take you back."
» Wonderful Critters
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"





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Flash for pictures of falling snow 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, January 25

Thank you, Ann D.!

Did any of you hear or read Obamanov's speech last night?
He is back into ridiculous promising and lying, just like during 
the election campaign. 

The sheeple won't notice, that he vetoed the Keystone
pipeline yet again a few days ago. They will fall for his promise
of North American energy and less dependence on far away 
and unstable suppliers. 

Is he THAT good a hypnotist?

Well, we are going to donate a pipeline and about 
250,000 jobs anyway. Just from Montana to Texas for now, 
and connect it to the tar sands later.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. --- Denis Waitley Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. --- Oscar Wilde
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring and it is hard to sleep up that close." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No, Ma'am, I don't." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered.
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Adam Blumenkranz, 43, from Los Angeles Caught smoking dope on plane NEWARK, N.J. (KABC) -- A Los Angeles man faces drug charges after he allegedly smoked pot on a JetBlue flight to New Jersey on Monday. Authorities said 43-year-old Adam Blumenkranz dropped a bag on the plane that the flight attendant believed to be marijuana. She handed it back to him and planned to speak to authorities after landing. During the flight, Blumenkranz allegedly went to the bathroom and smoked the marijuana. The crew reported that when he emerged, there was a strong smell of marijuana. Airport police say Blumenkranz claimed it was for medicinal purposes. Blumenkranz has been charged with possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia. He was ordered to appear in court in Elizabeth, New Jersey, by Jan. 27. --------------- Airplane washrooms don't have an exhaust fan. Air leaks into the washroom around the door and sometimes a grill low down on the door. They exhaust the used air and any farts down through the toilet and to the outside. I don't smoke any more since late February last year, but I still remember the protocol. When there is a line-up, smoking is a definite No-No! On late night or overnight flights, when most people are sleeping and nobody has gone to the washrooms for a while, you can get away with it without any fuss. You have to bend down low over the toilet and use a jacket to further confine the smoke. Your cigarette may be difficult to light in the strong draft, but that tells you, that your smoke is not going to be bothering the next washroom user. THAT is the most important part of the protocol. Don't worry about the stewardesses. They do the same thing. Just make sure no passengers complain to them.
Tech Support Pits: From: Art Re: Digital pictures and flash Dear Webby, I read some of your older posts in the archive. You sound like you rally hate flash. Other than for mug- shots of crooks and mother-in-laws, is there ANY time you would use flash, or do you simply NEVER use it? Art Dear Art There are some exception: Falling snow, smoke, fog. If you want falling snow to show up, use flash. The same goes for Halloween pictures. You can nicely enhance them with some smoke. The flash brings out the smoke like a fairly bright ghost. The closer to the camera, the brighter the ghost will be. Cigarette smoke blown up into the path of the flash works great! Sand storms also can be enhanced nicely with flash. However, keep in mind to NEVER shoot against a sand storm unless you have a cheap UV filter in front of the camera lens. A sandstorm will wreck the coating on the camera lens. Also, avoid shooting downwind. If possible shoot at a right angle to the storm and use the anti-red-eye pre-flash. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it." The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also. The first golfer said "Sure!" They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!" The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball you aced."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Vinyl Coupon Sorter for Receipts I have a vinyl coupon sorter that is divided into categories (Grocery, Target, etc. and family members names and receipts awaiting reimbursement or rebates) Each time I purchase an item, I place the receipt in the corresponding file. Be sure to get into the regular habit of doing this or your file will cause you more aggravation than it is worth! When I need to make a return or request a price adjustment the receipt is available. About once a month, I empty the receipts in an envelope and save for about a month before shredding. Occasionally, I'll get to the grocery store without my coupons. When I get home, I match up my coupons with the receipt and have them redeemed the next time I am at the store. By Diana from Prospect, KY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your incredible sense of humor."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?' The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No Kidding! What happened next?'"
» Bug Mac 3D
The Father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window, "Whadoya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch and we'll drag him in in the morning."





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Hotkey to log what is in the clipboard 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 24

The days are getting noticeably longer. That always makes
the child in me happy. As a kid I was always told to 
"Go play outside", which meant playing outside until it got too
dark and somebody yelled. In summer that meant first an 
hour of weeding before free playiong, but in wwinter, once
I had spaded over the entire garden, all play was free style.

Therefore, more minutes of daylight meant more minutes 
of play before going inside and doing homework! 
I don't remember ever doing homework by natural light.

When I was old enough, so that I could ride my mom's
bicycle, just standing on the pedals, with the seat poking
me into the neck, I used to bicycle to Switzerland to bring
back sugar. It was exported to Switzerland with some
subsidy and sold there for less, than what it cost in Austria.
That left a nice profit margin for an enterprising kid!

After a year of that I started borrowing dads bicycle. That 
meant standing on the pedals kinda crooked because of
the horizontal bar, but dad's bike was a THREE SPEED!
I was FLYING with that bike! 

It must have looked hilarious, but I enjoyed it!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. --- Abraham Lincoln No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. --- Michael Pritchard Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses. --- Socratex
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud. "Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?" "Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95 ?", Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Thanks to Pam and Gary for this picture of grosbeaks in front of their cabin in the Yukon Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, Grand Forks, North Dakota Dopey mom and babbling kid After North Dakota cops pulled over a vehicle and recognized the strong odor of pot, the driver’s four-year-old daughter gave officers the lowdown on the ownership of drug paraphernalia found in the car. "That’s mommy’s," the girl said in reference to a glass marijuana pipe that police found in the auto’s back seat (where she was seated with her one-year-old brother). The child then added, "Mommy smokes weed all the time," according to a Grand Forks County Sheriff’s Office report. Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, was charged with felony child endangerment and misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia in connection with the traffic stop last Thursday. A passenger in the 2007 Chevrolet Malibu was hit with the same charges (and a drug possession count after she claimed ownership of pot found in the car). Campbell, pictured in the above mug shot, is currently free on bail. She is scheduled for a preliminary hearing on February 27.
Tech Support Pits: From: Horace Re: Hot Key Dear Webby, That CTRL ALT Z hotkey to toggle the sound off and on is absolutely brilliant! Can you create me something, that will add the content of the clipboard, what I just typed and and/or copied, to a text file, from which I can later put it into a spreadsheet or doc, without having that text file open and visible to everybody? Sounds confusing, but I am sure you can figure out what I mean. Thanks Horace Dear Horace That is actually a very common and much used concept. A program like that is usually called a "logger", because it creates a raw log of ideas or info. I remember writing one of those with a bat in the days of DOS, long before Windows. Same as with yesterday's tip, Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As. That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to. It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it includes a help file. After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please. Now that you are armed and dangerous, Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut Here is where we do something different from yesterday. Let's assume, your raw log file is c:\IDE\rawlog.txt Type or paste into the location box: nircmd.exe clipboard addfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt" Hit next and for the nickname, use Logger Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL. It will show CTRL + ALT + type L (or some suitable key) and hit Apply, OK. Now hit CTRL ALT L Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you really want it to do what you told it to do. YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again! After that, when you hit CTRL ALT L, whatever you have copied and have in the clipboard, is added to rawlog.txt. Like any decent logger, it does it silently, without any beeps or squawks. You can make an additional shortcut, with it's own hot-key, to copy the contents of that file into the clipboard, ready to paste into any spreadsheet or doc or other file. The command for that is nircmd.exe clipboard readfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt" If you rename rawlog.txt to for example Jan24log.txt, the CTRL ALT L will create a fresh rawlog.txt when you use it again the next day. Have FUN! DearWebby
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you. I've never seen that big a pile of money in my whole life."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date Make Your Own Peanut Butter It's easy to save money on peanut butter. Buy bulk, unsalted peanuts and grind in a blender. Add salt as needed. We get our peanuts for $1.25 lb. I like $2.50 for a big jar of peanut butter, rather than $7 a jar, don't you? By Davidicdancer from Spokane, WA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman had to stop and think for a minute. Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs, and said, "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"
» Hubble Ultra 3D
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by checking and looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."





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Hot-Key for muting the sound 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 23
Thank you Miriam!

It warmed up to -6 today, but walking against the wind was
not that comfortable. It was very pretty, though, with the low
sun casting long shadows on the snow. 

I found it interesting, that deer prefer to walk in fresh snow
on lawns, but elk and moose prefer to walk on the 
hard packed snow on the road. I guess they are not worried
about any flimsy cars.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"If you have to write your ethical rules down, it's already too late" --- Tom Clancy
Thanks to Cheryl for this story: Senior Citizen Discount "$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Corvette. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Thanks to C.Odin C. for this story: An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
Click through for the large version. Attached picture is a view of the sunrise and the Blue Ridge Mountians taken from our back deck the other morning. Rich Troutville, Va
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Justin Canuto, 22, Farmington, NM Drunk driver hogtied by witness FARMINGTON, N.M. (AP) - New Mexico authorities say a witness hogtied a suspected drunken driver accused of barely avoiding several head-on collisions and then trying to run away once he was forced into a parking lot and confronted by people who saw what happened. The Farmington Daily Times reports that 22-year-old Justin Canuto was tied up after he pulled over Sunday in a Farmington parking lot. San Juan County sheriff's officials say he was seen minutes earlier driving southbound in the northbound lanes of U.S. 550 and nearly missed several oncoming motorists. A sergeant says Canuto became belligerent and tried to run away, prompting another man to tackle and hogtie him before sheriff's deputies arrived. Canuto was charged with drunken driving. While deputies don't recommend tying up suspected drunken drivers, no charges were filed against the man who tied Canuto.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amanda Re: Hotkey for muting Dear Webby, In the good old days of Windows 95, you gave me a hot-key to instantly mute the sound if a boss drove into the parking lot. That "Boss Key" worked fine on Windows 98 and Windows XP, but not on Blonde Windows. Waaahhh! Can you a new Boss Key? Thanks Amanda Dear Amanda Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As. That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to. It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it includes a help file. After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please. Now that you are armed and dangerous, Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut Type or paste into the location box: "nircmd.exe” mutesysvolume 2 Hit next and for the nickname, use Boss Key or Mute Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL. It will show CTRL + ALT + type Z and hit Apply, OK. Now hit CTRL ALT Z Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you really want it to do what you told it to do. YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again! After that, when you hit CTRL ALT Z, the sound toggles off or on, instantly. Don't get too carried away with all the goodies mentioned in the nircmd help file. Remember the trouble you got into for setting your boss's Spell-Check hot-key to turn his monitor off! Have FUN! DearWebby
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My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a scuffle, my friend slammed him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date There is a date on each printer ink cartridge. There is evidently a microchip in the ink cartridge that tells the printer when that date has arrived. When that date gets here, it is considered to be an expired cartridge and will no longer work. I no longer refill them close to or past the expiration date, and I will open the box and check the expiration date of refurbished ones at the cash register before I drive all the way back home. Source: HP customer service rep By mom-from-missouri from NW Missouri http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Your best bet is to buy ink from a reputable supplier like Atlantic Inkjet .com, especially if you use an HP printer! The same applies to laser toner. Not just HP, but also Dell and Xerox build counter chips into the toner cartridges. Even if you print just one tiny dot of a certain color, it counts the page, and after a certain number of pages have been counted, the cartridge tells the printer, that it is empty. Because of that sleazy racket, it is extremely important to get your toner from a good and reputable supplier like Atlantic Inkjet .com. They are cheaper too, not just better. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to take the service for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone he knew was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are You?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Rev. Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did You let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
» Year of the dragon
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter marked "Private, for George only" came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'





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Password Encrypted Powerpoint 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 22
Thanks Catherine!

It warmed up to -16 today, even more in the sunshine, and I
quite enjoyed my 3 mile walk today. After this week, I think 
I will add half a mile to it and keep the speed up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --- Mark Twain
Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on that earth planet have developed satellite based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, he drops the spare onto the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Michael West, 41, in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin Abuser Claimed "Ghost" Injured His Wife JANUARY 20--A Wisconsin man charged with domestic abuse told cops that a “ghost” was actually responsible for injuries suffered by his wife, according to police. The bizarre claim by Michael West, 41, did not prevent the Fond du Lac man’s arrest for strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. West is pictured in the mug shot above. According to a January 18 criminal complaint, West and his spouse got into an argument Sunday that turned violent. The victim told cops that West twice strangled her, and that he punched her in the face when she tried to dial 911. When cops arrived at the couple’s home, the crying woman was bleeding from the nose and had blood on her Packers jersey. During police questioning, West claimed his wife sustained her injuries to her face and neck during several falls. When pressed by a cop--who pointed to marks on the woman’s neck, the intoxicated West shifted his story. “A ghost did it,” he said. In light of the apparition claim, officers sought to place West in custody. After a struggle, he was handcuffed and transported to the county lockup, where he remains in custody in lieu of $1000 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amelia Re: Password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint Dear Webby, Somebody sent me a PPS file, that gives the error The loading of password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint presentation is not supported. I can sorta view it with that klutzy Powerpoint viewer, that you can't stop and resume, and have to start from scratch. Why do people go to the trouble of stealing pictures from all over the net, and then use that hateful password encryption, so that all you get is a fast preview at THEIR set speed? Is there a way to convert it short of using PrintScreen and pasting that to a file andrestarting the silly PPS? Amelia Dear Amelia Sounds like somebody got their daddy to buy them Microsoft Office, and now they want to rub that in with their soon to be FORMER friends. The password encryption is intended for training presentations and stuff, that should not be taken apart or viewd out of context, but NEVER for collections of pictures or anything recreational like that. That password encryption is very strong and I don't know of a way to crack it. However, by using the Backspace key you CAN stop the slide show. Then you can mouse around at the left bottom corner and make the 4 invisible icons visible. The third one has the option "SCREEN" in it, and that one has the option "SWITCH PROGRAMS". So, stop the slideshow with the backspace key, hit PrintScreen switch programs to your graphics program hit CTRL V to paste the screen shot ALT-TAB back to the slide show DOWN Arrow to advance to the next slide Yes, I know it is klutzy and tedious compared to the way you can enjoy unencrypted slide shows by using Open Office, but it DOES work. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on. "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!" "What is the secret tonic made from, if you don't mind me asking?" "Dandylion wine. It's the most prolific weed around here."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused. By Joynchocolate http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Fred for this: On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of Expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and trumpets a fart like the finale of an opera. Just before the elevator doors close behind her, she turns and whispers into the eyewatering fumes: "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
» Diesel Punks 2012
A couple are asleep in their beds late one night, when the wife thinks she hears a noise downstairs. She nudges her husband and whispers, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" he asks. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the broccoli casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" says the husband.





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Link Exchanges 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, January 21

Thanks, William!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts. --- Colette What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. --- Samuel Johnson The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were. --- David Brinkley You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. --- Henry Ford Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. --- Niels Bohr
A perfectionist teacher demands the very best of all of her pupils. So it is only to be expected that she would get furious when one little fellow hands in a sloppily done homework paper. "This is the worst essay it has been my misfortune to read," the woman says through clenched teeth. "It has so many mistakes. I can't understand how one person could have made all these mistakes." "It wasn't just one person," the boy replies defensively. "My mom helped me."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

>From Susan: My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds that she had put on recently. "Good," I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too! We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I get the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," she replied. "I'll ride with you."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Meet Savannah “Bambam” Rios, 24, Salt lake City, Utah Cops Collar Bambam The Testicle Attacker The Utah woman, 24, is facing several felony charges: kidnapping, robbery, sexual abuse, etc., after a bizarre attack last week on a man she recently dated. Rios, pictured in the mug shot at right, allegedly confronted the man last Wednesday after he accused her of swiping some of his belongings. The victim told police that he went to meet with Rios at a Salt Lake City residence, where he “was lead to a back backroom” where she was seated on the bed. The male victim, identified only by the initials “G.A.”, said that Rios slapped him several times, pulled out a knife, and asked him, “You wanna die?” That’s when things got weird. According to a probable cause affidavit, Rios ordered “G.A.” to remove his clothes. After he complied, Rios grabbed the man’s belt and “wrapped it around her hand, and hit him several times in the ‘balls.’” After pleading for his life, the man told cops, Rios allowed him to get dressed. She then directed him to drive to his home, where she allegedly forced him to give her a DVD player, camera, and phones. On the way to the residence, Rios stabbed at “G.A” with the knife, police charged. While at the man’s home, Rios “observed a bank statement… and ordered him to the bank.” The victim, who withdrew $500 from his account, told her he had to go inside the bank and subsequently escaped and “ran for help at a nearby police station.” Rios, who was still in the vehicle when cops arrived, was arrested at the scene and booked into the Salt Lake County Jail. She remains locked up in lieu of $100,000 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Sylvie Re: Link Exchange Dear Webby, I keep getting mail from people wanting me to exchange links with them. They promise that it would include traffic to my site. Is there any truth to that? Sylvie Dear Sylvie Quite the opposite. If the search engines catch you linking to those spammers, then they penalize you and dump your hard earned ranking. Forget the rethoric and BS of the self styled Search Engine Optimizers. 99.99% of them are clueless con artists. The search engines spend very serious money to be relevant, to show what people are looking for, instead of showing some irrelevant garbage promoted by search engine "experts" trying to sneak around the rules. Just make sure your content is relevant and matches your site title, and you'll soon rank high in the search engines. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused. By Joynchocolate http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze politicians!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Lard, Thunder and Murphy, he's right!...Farty-two!"
» Harbin Ice 2012
That joke reminds me of this one: Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."





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Outside air for the computer 



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Good Morning,  !


Today is Friday, January 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Margee wrote:
Dear Webby,
Interesting point of view:
"just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe"
 
All this time I thought it was just a case
of "if it's not broke, why fix it?"

Regards, Margee  :)

Dear Margee
It IS broke.
With the deterioration of the Education system in the US,
not only kids, but a lot of teachers can't handle the fractions
and wacky conversions necessary in the old British Imperial
system.

The electricians were smart, they accepted the metric 
system without any whining, but most other trades have 
serious problems with today's youth.

Don't expect the current president to endorse the Metric
system, he even vetoed a metric pipeline and 430,000 jobs
donated by Canada, but maybe a year from now, talk
about it may get serious. 

Don't worry about it. It actually is a lot easier, and you'll
kick yourself for putting up with weird and illogical 
meaurements all this time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer. --- Sandie
One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows: 1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. 2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. 3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. 4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition." 5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. 6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. 7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. 8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. 9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding. 10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down. The dance floor is inclined and has a porch railing. 11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners. 12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22 in Metal Township, Pennsylvania Couple Attempt To Blow Up Car With Flaming Tampons A man and woman stand accused of trying to blow up a car by setting fire to tampons which they tried to drop into its gas tank and also into it's oil filler hole under the hood. Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22, were arrested after a witness reported them damaging the car outside a bar in Metal Township, Pennsylvania, earlier this month. Patricia Deshong also threw a beer bottle through the back window of a pick-up and stole it's license plate. The Deshongs spent a few days behind bars before they each posted $25,000 bond to secure their release.
Tech Support Pits: From: Duffy Re: Outside air for the computer Dear Webby, Our computer keeps shutting down and restarts with an error of CPU too hot. I realize that it does not get a lot of ventilation where it sits, but I could put a duct through the wall to the outside. Would the outside air hurt it? Duffy Dear Duffy The outside air won't hurt it at all. Just put a rain guard on it like you see on dryer vents. Staple some old panty-hose or fine mosquito mesh over the hole first, before you snap on the dryer vent cap. On the inside, put the side of the computer with the easily removable lid, with the lid removed, snug against the hole in the wall. I would also highly recommend that you unplug the computer, bring it to a counter or high table with good lighting, vacuum it out thoroughly and then remove the CPU fan. You can usually do that without tools, as long as there is good lighting and you can see the snaps and levers that hold it down. Under the fan there is a finned heatsink. Get ready for an ugly sight! Some of the dirt on the heatsink you can vacuum off, but it's best to remove it and wash it with regular dishwashing soap until you see clean aluminum. Don't skip that step! If you get a "CPU Hot" warning, the heat sink is always crusted with dirt. If you wait too long with cleaning the heat sink after you get that warning, the machine will die, so better get to it soon! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Gravel From Your Lawn Edge Getting the stones and gravel out of the edge of your lawn which were dumped by highway trucks for ice and snow is a tedious job. I found that using a shop vac is much easier and faster and does a very nice job. By Frances from Bath, PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Three preachers decided to have a joint revival meeting. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten worst trouble makers!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. He said, "Yes, I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" asked the teacher. "Four," says little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."
» Harbin Ice 2012
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively pasture, where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture, when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."





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Garbled email 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, January 19

A number of people wrote me how cold it is in their towns. 
I was amused, again, about the US still frantically clinging
to the OLD British Empire Imperial measurements. 
No independence from the British Empire yet. And they
don't seem to realize, that England has long gone Metric.
Wasn't it about 30 years ago, that the Queen told all her
subjects to "get with it!" ?

Metric is actually quite easy.
Water boils at 100 freezes at 0
and whisky freezes at -40, same aswith the British Imperial
-40.

Weights and dimensions are also easy.
A sugar cube measures a centimeter on each side.
So it is a cubic centimeter.
A cubic centimeter of water weighs one gram.
To raise it's temperature by 1 degree Celsius, 
requires one calorie.
And that's about it. 
All measurements convert to the next size by shifting the 
decimal point. No weird stuff, just move the decimal point.

There is no logical reason against the metric system,
just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe, who is still using the
good old Birtish Imperial System.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. --- George Bernard Shaw Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. --- Ann Landers Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. --- Evelyn Waugh
The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a HUGE amount of material on the midterm exam. Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall. The following week, the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!"
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions ... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, in Madison, Wisconsin Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop That's Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop to you. The man with the amazing name was born Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. He changed his name in October 2011, but got in trouble with Madison, Wisc. police on Jan. 5 when he was arrested for possession of a knife, marijuana, and drug paraphernalia. The unusually named 30-year-old man was in jail Sunday in Madison. Police say he violated his bail conditions from a previous run-in with the law. The Capital Times reports that Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was arrested last week after residents complained of excessive drinking and drug use near Reynolds Park in Madison. Authorities say he was arrested in another local park last April after police found a loaded handgun in his backpack. He's tentatively charged with carrying a concealed knife, and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana.
Tech Support Pits: From: Debbie Re: garbled emails Dear Webby, The humor letter is great Thanks! I hope you can give me a little insight as to why I receive emails that is full of useless words, just words all garbled up. Is it some kind of code or something? Some emails are the entire thing, some have just a paragraph at the end of a letter. Thanks, Debby Dear Debby Spam is for trashing, not for getting philosophical about. They are just putting crap in there to try and sneak past spam control programs, and then show their phony ads as a picture. And quite often they screw up on that too. Obviously, somebody who uses such a crooked approach is a crook, and not worth your time or money. Just trash their trash, but keep an eye out for anything, that those emails have in common, then make a filter for that common element. Thanks DearWebby
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One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." "You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Plastic Lemons as a Vase I emptied this little lemon juice container and thought of using it for my kitchen counter with a few fresh flowers from the yard. I usually have something blooming year round, so a bloom or two brightens my day. Source: On a quest to recycle. By Great Granny Vi from Moorpark, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thant reminds me,.... A few years ago, Belinda decided to visit her brother who was stationed in Germany. She assumed that most Germans would speak English. But she found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched her ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. She simply nodded from time to time to show him that she was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if she spoke German. "No," she confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train, going in the wrong direction." -------------------------- Personally, I found last month that the staff on the express trains in Germany and Austria and Switzerland speaks English quite well and are quite eager to show it off. However, pretending you understand doesn't get you anywhere. You have to let them know what language you want them to use. Swiss train staff usually speak half a dozen languages fluently.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
» Cool Pix
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a woman was asked by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets. "Gee," she says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here expects to be tipped."





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Bob Rae 

The Committee to Prevent Useful Idiots From Being Elected supports this video



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Leaving mail on the server 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, January 18

-32 outside.
I'll plug my car in in the morning and try to start it up at noon.

The news on the lighter side all reported Khadijah Baseer, 31, 
of Los Angeles, offering sex at a McDonalds drive-through
in exchange for a handful of food. Everybody was eager to
make puns and fun of the homeless woman, and eventually
she was reported to the cops, who arrested her.

Nobody gave her a dollar, or even a penny, or shared their food,
even though she was clearly desperate. That is going to come
back on them sooner or later.

Well, at least for now that woman is in jail and getting fed 
for a change. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. --- François La Rochefoucauld If marriage was outlawed, then only outlaws would have inlaws. --- Socratex
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "It certainly wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were two of the best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Janet Knowles, 62, of Jupiter, FL Woman, upset with 'Judge Judy', attacks man with hammer JUPITER — A 62-year-old woman was arrested Sunday morning after she hit a 65-year-old man on the head with a hammer, police say. Janet Knowles, of Jupiter, was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery using a deadly weapon. Jupiter Police responded to the defendant's house around 11:30 a.m. Sunday after dispatchers received a call of a domestic disturbance. When police arrived, they interviewed the alleged victim - who was not named in the probable cause affidavit - while he held bloody paper towels on his head. The victim told police he was watching "Judge Judy" on television while sitting on his recliner, when Knowles got "upset with Judge Judy," the affidavit says. Knowles then hit him in the head with a hammer and the victim received a "large cut" to his head and left forearm. He was treated at the scene by Palm Beach County Fire Rescue crews. Knowles told police she was upset because Judge Judy was on television. She became "mad" and then hit the victim on the head with the hammer. Knowles also began talking about a neighbor and what a neighbor was wearing, the affidavit says. Police said Knowles could not hold a conversation with them during the investigation. The affidavit does not say what the relationship between Knowles and the victim is or what she was intoxicated with. Knowles is being held in the Palm Beach County Jail without bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Farah Re: Leaving mail on the server Dear Webby, I have to go to the East for four days to a conference and asked my ISP if I can read my mail from there but leave it on the server till I get back to my home machine. I have done that with other ISP's before and they were quite OK with it as long as I told them before each trip. This one went right hysterical and she threatened to cut me off if I get caught doing that. Have there been any changes regarding mail that I am not aware of? Farah Dear Farah The only change is that some ISP's hire dumber boneheads than they used to. Considering how silly that one is, I doubt that they can even tell if you have checked your mail. All they can see is the total size of your mailbox. Most hotel guest machines and cybercafe machines are set to "leave mail on the server" and not to delete it. Just use them like that, and then download and delete the mail off the server when you get back home. I would be willing to bet, that they won't notice that for those 4 days. And with THAT ISP, don't waste your time telling them about any trips that you go on. Thanks DearWebby
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Thanks to Dino for this: In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..." "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
» Cacao, the Beginning
A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced. The wife answered the door. "Come in," she said. The other couple came in,sat down, then asked, "Where's John?" "Oh," replied his wife,"he's in the bathroom, grouting and spackling." "Oh, dear," said the other lady, "I had that once and didn't get over it for two weeks.





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Fake XP-2012 Security Update 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 17

Thank you, Raymond!

-30 outside.
It's a good thing I don't have to drive to town today, because
I would probably have to plug the car in for half a day to get 
it to start. 

During the previous cold cycle I was in the Yukon, and -30
was no big deal at all, especially after a few weeks of -50.
In the Yukon, though, I winterized vehicles differently, than 
I do here. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Too much of a good thing is wonderful. --- Mae West Spare no expense to save money on this one. --- Samuel Goldwyn Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there. --- E. H. Gombrich
A couple went shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later. The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented. Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful lady on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!" She said, "Why?" "Because I've been looking for my wife all over this silly mall and I can't find her," the man replied. "How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is." "I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears!"
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A Sunday school teacher asked her students why they had to be quiet during the Church service. One bright little girl replied "Because people are sleeping."
Click through for the large version. Yes, they have snow fights too!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Frank Coleman, 37, in Cincinnatti, Ohio Man robs bank, hails cab then calls 911 to turn himself in CINCINNATI - A man is in custody after he robbed a downtown Cincinnati bank, got into a cab then called 911 to turn himself in Friday afternoon. Police say a man handed a note to a teller demanding money. The suspect, later identified as Frank Coleman, fled from the bank with about $2,000 in cash then got into a cab on Main Street, according to police. He did not show a weapon during the robbery. At 2:30 p.m., Coleman called 911 from the Convention Place Mall on Elm Street saying he robbed a bank and wanted to turn himself in, according to police. He was taken into custody a short timer later. Coleman appeared in court Saturday morning for an arraignment. His next court date is Jan. 23.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: fake XP-2012 Security Update Dear Webby, Over hundred of my readers fell for this fake update, what appeared to be a security update from microslop for xp 2012. It actually is a very nasty virus. There is a remover at REMOVE" target="_blank" >http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/virus-r ... >REMOVE 2012SECURITY VIRUS That worked for them to remove that name changing virus. Dianne Dear Dianne I guess McAfee protected me from seeing that attack, but those readers, who don't have McAfee will benefit from your tip. Thanks DearWebby
AD #2
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Patricia for this one: As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. "Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!" The southern belle replied, "Mah lands! What do y'all walk on?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building, a bank official answered, "Yes, sure, provided he doesn't make a deposit or leave any p-mail."
» Fisheye View
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"





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Returning unused printer ink 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 16

-23 and snowing. No Gullible warming here either.
Well, at least the level of the roads is not dropping like the
level of the oceans. Could be quite a nuisance driving, 
if the potholes became potbumps.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. --- Edna Buchanan Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. --- Thomas H. Huxley It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. --- Eugene McCarthy -------------- not any more.
One time while in the Millington, Tennesee Naval Air Station, there was a fearsome thunderstorm which knocked out the electricity in the Navy Exchange. This killed the cash registers, naturally, but the Navy always has a backup. The emergency intercom came on, and a loud female voice announced, "CASHIERS TAKE YOUR CRANKS OUT OF YOUR DRAWERS!" As if that alone was not funny enough, the cash register drawers, which had the little manual cranks inside them, needed electricity, OR those little cranks to open them.
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" the RevI asked the children in Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" he asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Click through for the large version. S
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to William Francis Blankenship, in Knox, Indiana Handcuffed man steals town's only police car A handcuffed drug suspect who stole a police cruiser containing loaded guns then wrecked and abandoned the car has been arrested in northwest Indiana. William Francis Blankenship stole the car Tuesday evening in Kouts, Porter County, and subsequently used the police radio to ask where to find the car's cigarette lighter — and the keys to unlock himself, police said. “There was a conversation between him and one of our officers,” Porter County Sheriff's Sgt. Larry LaFlower said. Police didn't tell Blankenship, 22, how to remove the handcuffs, LaFlower said. Police found the town cruiser Wednesday morning “wrecked and submerged in water” in nearby LaPorte County, and Blankenship was no longer with the vehicle, he said. LaFlower did not say if loaded weapons that had been left in the vehicle were still there when the wreck was discovered. Earlier, police had said Blankenship should be considered armed and dangerous. The sole police officer on duty arrested Blankenship on drug charges Tuesday evening in Kouts, a small Indiana town about 50 miles southeast of Chicago. The suspect somehow managed to escape from the back of the car, climb in the front and drive it away, police said.
Tech Support Pits: From: Diana Re: Printer ink returns Dear Webby, Our HP multifunction printer died. Yes, I know, you warned me about those. I learned my lesson, and won't have another one of those, but now we are stuck with a stack of ink cartridges, that we had bought at Walmart. Will anybody accept those? Diana Dear Diana Your landfill probably will, but I doubt anybody else will want to even talk about those. If you had bought the ink from Atlantic Inkjet, they take surplus ink back without any argument and send you ink for your new printer or issue a credit. Before I switched to a long lasting laser printer, the same thing happened to me about once a year. Never any argument or question about it from Atlantic Inkjet. Naturally, the cartridges have to be reasonably fresh and from a recent order, not some, that have been gathering dust and drying out on a shelf for a few years. Especially if you choose to get a short-lived inkjet printer, get acquainted with Atlantic Inkjet. Their ink and toner is top quality,and they are a pleasure to deal with. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Email Coupons This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up all of those emails. My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to not use them. By Cookwie from Richardson, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his father, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!" The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?" "I'm going to play a husband!" "A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back down to that school and tell them you want a speaking part!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Overheard at a Computer Store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
» The Calicos
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in SICK yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"





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Spiral lamps for outside? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 15

People are speculating about the cause of that cruise ship
accident. Was it lower ocean levels? Did they hit a sunk
Italian war ship? There are plenty of them in that area!
Did trying to beach the damaged ship on the rocky shore 
make things worse?

We may get answers some day.
What would be interesting to find out, is why the emergency
lighting system did not work?

Once upon a time long, long ago I tried patenting exit lights,
that had the inner back side covered with zinc oxide, so that
when there was a power failure, they would emit a yellowish-
greenish light for an hour or more, without requiring any 
electricity. That didn't go anywhre. "Exit lights are red, not green,
ya silly young punk!"

Unless the reports are wild exaggerations, those people would
have appreciated a yellowish-greenish light over darkness.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own minds. --- Seth Hoffman Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said while they were around. --- Socratex Hindsight is an exact science, except when it comes to autobiographies. --- Socratex
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a hundred and fifty feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight stray cats."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Paul M Brock, 39 in Frankfort, Indiana Drunk car thief threatens to eat cops and their dogs Seven criminal charges were filed in Tippecanoe County on Wednesday against a Frankfort man accused of stealing a car and issuing a threat to eat the arresting officers, their K-9s and their children. Paul M. Brock, 39, was charged with two counts of auto theft, resisting law enforcement, intimidation, operating a vehicle with a blood-alcohol content of 0.15 percent or more and striking a law enforcement animal. Police arrested Brock on Friday night after being called to a reported auto theft at the Speedway Gas Station on Elmwood Avenue about 10:03 p.m. Witnesses told police that a man matching Brock's description got into a vehicle that was not his and drove off. The owner of the vehicle said she left her car unlocked and on because she was warming it up. Police caught up with Brock after he was spotted pulling into the parking lot of the Pay Less on Maple Point Drive. Officers used K-9 units to subdue Brock once he exited the vehicle, and Brock kicked one police dog in the head twice during his arrest. Police determined that Brock was intoxicated, and a blood test later showed that he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.26 percent. When Brock was taken to the hospital for medical clearance, he reportedly told police he would hunt them down and eat them, their dogs and their entire families. He also demanded to be let out of his handcuffs so he could assault police officers. After leaving the hospital, Brock was booked into the Tippecanoe County Jail. He remained incarcerated Wednesday night on a $25,000 surety bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fran Re: Spiral lights for outside Dear Webby, Can those Chinese pigtail lights be used outside? They are marked for Indoors only, but I can't see any reason for that at all. Is that just the usual rip-off? Fran Dear Fran Yes, it is. The same as any lights, they don't take kindly to cold water dripping onto hot glass. As long as you have something, even a piece of tin or plastic shielding rain and snow from falling directly onto them, they are good for a few years. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he mumbled as he wrote on his form.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Email Coupons This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up all of those emails. My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to not use them. By Cookwie from Richardson, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Here is an annual favorite: Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, "Who told you about us!?"
» PotPourri Photos
Kathy's wedding turned out to be a real family reuinion. Even her weird cousin Sean from San Francisco showed up. There were too many people to fit into the little church, and since was snowing and raining and blowing quite ferociously, a last minute decision was made to hold the ceremony in the undergound parkade across the street. A priest was ready in his ornate surplice and cassock ready to proceed the march into the parkade and begin the ceremony. He was carrying a briefcase with his book and paraphenalia and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. Sean was seen sidling up to the priest and saying: "Darling, I love your dress, but did you know that your purse is on fire!"





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Add-ons slowing down the connection 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, January 13
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Thank you Jean!

So far there has been no usable help re the Windows 7 
"Unknown publisher" problem.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Friday, the 13 ! Be careful, it is bad luck to be superstitious. People will buy anything that is one to a customer. --- Sinclair Lewis Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win. --- Robert Heinlein
Dad gives some advice to his son before his first real date. "Son, when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get! It's an exchange thing." So, the son showed up for his date with flowers. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'll be right back. There are still TONS of flowers at the cemetery a couple of blocks south of here."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid the shock would give him a heart attack. So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?" And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church." At which the pastor fell over dead.
Thanks to Bonnie for this picture of her sky: Click through for the large version. This was taken at twilight a couple nights ago from my deck in Candia, NH. We had a gorgeous show! Bonnie
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Suzanne Basham, 47, in Springfield, Missouri Woman Seeking Crack Cocaine Calls Police Claims Drug Dealer Sold Her Sugar Instead Suzanne Basham, 47, made that mistake yesterday morning when she dialed police in Springfield, Missouri to report that she had paid $40 for crack cocaine,I that turned out to be sugar, according to an incident report. Basham, who was not seeking a sugar high, asked cops to arrest her dealer for theft (and, of course, secure a refund for her). While patrolmen went to the address where Basham said she purchased the crack, residents there denied selling dope and declined to let investigators into the home. Since cops discovered that Basham was in possession of a crack pipe, she was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia. She is pictured above in a mug shot snapped in October 2010 following a collar for drug possession.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Margarita Re: Add-ons slowing down the connection Dear Webby, My Internet has slowd down to a crawl, and recently in several occasions the program closed because it encountered problems with add-ons. How do I select the ones I want to disable to see if that increases the velocity? I'm afraid to disabled one that my interfere with some web page been seen properly. Thanks for your continued help. Rosa Margarita Dear Rosa Margarita In FireFox click on Tools AddOns PlugIns There you can disable them, if you want. If you just want a list of them, type about:plugins into the address bar. Don't worry about disabling too many. If you actually do miss any, you can always add them again. Just disable them one per day, so that you can tell the difference. By the way, FireFox Add-ons and Plug-ins usually behave quite well. FaceBook and Twitter Add-Ons and applications are a different story. While Firefox add-ons and Plug-Ins usually just "patch" FireFox, and for example give you colored tabs, they don't create any additional traffic at all. It's just a one time patch. Some of the Facebook games and Twitter add-ons notify you about messages and events, and can create a lot of nuisance traffic, that will slow everything else down. Consider turning those off, when you need extra speed. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Cereal Liners For Hot House Covers I save the liner bag from cereal boxes; they are like heavy wax paper. They make great hot house covers for plant starts or to protect small garden plants from early spring frost. When they are used in the garden, they need to be weighed down with soil or stones to prevent the wind from blowing them. They can also be used for children's snacks, etc. By Mary Lou from Sturgis, MI http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was a fairly wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and whispered to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems, and she instantly fell in love with me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Amos for this story: When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all of her medical charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, and she gave him the normal litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
» Azure Window
While downtown at a federal government office, a voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency." My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please email building maintenance." It really hit rock bottom, when I found out that 200 people had emailed building maintenance about not hearing the announcement.





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Things That Needed to Be Said 

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni



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Windows 7 "Unknown publisher" problem 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 12

Have you ever heard anybody, who was neither trying to sell
it or feeling defensive about being stuck with it, saying 
something good about Windows 7 ?

I have!
The Penguins (Linux fans) claim that W7 has done more for
driving people to Linux than any amount of advertising could
have done.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. --- P. J. O'Rourke Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. --- Steve Martin
Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or some physical sport?" "No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." | \\_// | "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her red sky this morning: Click through for the large version. >
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Earl Williamson, 49 in Framington, Maine Call to police backfires A local man was arrested Sunday after police responded to his report of a burglary at his garage and police smelled marijuana. Police uncovered an “elaborate growing operation,” according officer Mike Mejia's police report. Mejia arrested Earl Williamson, 49, of East Dixfield Road, Jay, on a charge of cultivation of marijuana, Detective Richard Caton IV said Monday. Williamson was also charged with unlawful furnishing of schedule drugs and unlawful possession of marijuana, Caton said reading from Mejia's police report. Mejia and officer Nicholas Gulliver responded to the East Dixfield Road residence after Williamson reported people trying to break into his garage, Caton said. Officers questioned Williamson about the smell of marijuana, he said. After an investigation, it was determined there was a growing operation in the upstairs of the garage, Caton said. Police seized about 25 pot plants, several of them fully matured, and about 14 ounces of processed marijuana, he said. Growing equipment was also seized. Williamson was released Sunday on $5,000 unsecured bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Farmington court on Feb. 23.
Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: "Unknown publisher" program Dear Webby, I am not only sharing your dislike of Windows 7 but beginning to hate that piece of crap. How do you get that pitiful abomination to recognize programs, after telling it hundred times a program is OK? I am using a bunch of programs from way before Winddoze 7, and it keeps whining about whether I really want to run a program from an "Unknown publisher". I must have told that stupid nuisance a hundred times, that those programs are OK, but each time something calls one of those perfectly good legacy programs, it does that imbecillic darkening of the screen and childish whining. I even tried to set those programs to run as Administrator, but that did not help at all, and doesn't seem to be reversible either. What a piece of crap! How can I make W7 behave like a properly working OS? Anton Dear Anton Microsoft claims that W7 works, not me. Contact Microsoft Support. If you get any useful help, please tell us. A LOT of people would be interested in a solution to that problem. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Pillow Out of a Favorite T-Shirt Do you have a t-shirt you just can't seem to give up but it has some stains or tears? Well, make it into a pillow. First cut the design or pattern from the front of the shirt into a square, then sew material that coordinates with the shirt around the center. When you have the size you like, take the back of the t-shirt if it's in good condition and make the back of the pillow, sew together and stuff. Now you have a new favorite pillow By Beesplace from Indiana PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job. "I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life, -- shopping and criticizing people."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I made myself a snowball, as perfect as could be, I thought I'd keep it as a pet, and let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas, and a pillow for its head, Then last night it ran away, but first it wet the bed.
» Old Westerns
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."





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Noisy Computer 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, January 11

Finally had time to resize and upload the pictures from my
trip to http://dawna.com
I spread them over two pages, so that they don't take too 
long to load.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival. --- W. Edwards Deming You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. --- Jack London
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Nobody was interested in the GuiltFREE! book. Try Helga's method. It is free! Here is an interesting deal!
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

Jock and Angus, two craggy Scots, were sitting before the clubhouse fireplace after 18 holes on a raw, blustery Christmas Day. The ice slowly melted from their beards and collected in puddles under their chairs. Outside, the wind howled off the North Sea and snow and hail rattled against the windows. The pair sat in silence over their whiskies. Finally, Jock spoke, "Next Monday, same time?" "Aye," Angus replied, "weather permittin'."
Click through for the large version. "3 Towers" seen from the Golm Ski area in the Montafon in Austria. The 3 Towers are actually about 20 miles away from there.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Ray Lynn Mitcham Jr., 33 in Linden, NC Caught having sex with neighbro's dog A 33-year-old man is free on bond after being accused of having sex with a neighbor's dog. The Cumberland County Sheriff's Office says Ray Lynn Mitcham Jr., who lives in the town of Linden, was arrested Monday and charged with a felony crime against nature. Authorities say the alleged incident happened Jan. 2. The sheriff's office says the complaint was filed by the dog's owner, who is also Mitcham's landlord. She told deputies she went to Mitcham's residence early on the morning of Jan. 2 to speak with him. When she opened the door of his mobile home, she said, she witnessed the act. Debbie Tanna, a spokeswoman for the sheriff's office, told WRAL of Raleigh that the dog, a mixed-breed female, was taken to the veterinarian, who recovered a DNA sample. The sheriff's office said it determined Monday that the DNA matched Mitcham's. He appeared in court Monday morning and was released on $5,000 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bea Re: Noisy Computer Dear Webby, My computer is getting noisier all the time. Is there a way to fix that ? Bea Dear Bea If the noise is coming from the hard drive, replace the drive NOW. It will die soon. If the noise is coming from the fans, replace the fans. Even though the bearing damage is probably caused by dirt on the fan blades, cleaning the dirt off does not repair the bearings. However, it may buy you some time. Getting the right fans is very tricky, unless you can get a power supply and a CPU fan from the manufacturer of your computer, and even that is difficult. They prefer to talk you into buying a new computer instead of a little fan. Some computer repair shops have information to match aftermarket fans to brand name computers. This may be a good time to get acquainted with them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Track Of Website Information I got tired of losing scraps of notes I made on popular websites. I bought a very small spiral tablet, labeled it Websites to Visit, and put it near my TV and radio. Now I note all the interesting stuff in one place. I can browse the sites when I have time. By Barbara from Park Ridge, IL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
2011's best CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess Walters will be giving a talk on marriage. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week. Child care provided with reservations. I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to drink. The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains. The Boars of Trustees will be meeting Tuesday night at 8PM The activity will take place on the church barking lot.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "Why? What have ya done now?"
» Mirrored Critters
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."





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Mix and Match monitors 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 10



Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Did you ever see the customers in health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific! --- Bill Cosby
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more. Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Anquin St. Junious, 32, in LaCrosse, WI Injured inmate caught doing pushups Anquin St. Junious wanted sympathy from a judge Thursday. Instead, he left the courtroom humiliated. He’s the 32-year-old La Crosse man accused of stabbing a downtown tavern bartender Dec. 21 before he suffered a beating that sent him to the hospital. Police say 24-year-old Schlafer, the bar tender, broke up a fight between a group of men inside John's Bar and kicked everyone outside. St. Junious tried to get back into the bar. When Schlafer confronted him, St. Junious stabbed Schlafer in the lower abdomen, and got the crap beaten out of him by the stabbed bartender. The bartender returned to work after a visit to Gundersen Lutheran hospital. St. Junious sat motionless in a wheelchair Thursday as his attorney tried to convince a judge he needed to be released from jail because of a dire medical condition. Since the assault, St. Junious can’t move his arms, can’t walk for more than 15 seconds and has a hole in his throat that is susceptible to infection if he remains in custody, his attorney said. He even requires a special lightweight spoon to feed himself. The problem with that story? Jail staff has St. Junious on surveillance video doing pushups in his cell. Circuit Judge Scott Horne determined St. Junious had exaggerated if not “willfully falsified” his condition. The judge doubled St. Junious’ bond to $50,000 cash. And his luck won’t improve today. Prosecutors are expected to file multiple charges against St. Junious in connection with the stabbing.
Tech Support Pits: From: Marcy Re: Mix and Match Monitors Dear Webby, About three years ago you persuaded me to buy a Lenovo big refurb 1600 x 1200 flat screen monitor for $150. It still works fine on the old desktop, but I was wondering, if I can use it as a second monitor on the laptop. Yes, the laptop has a sawed off screen made for facebook and not much else. Even sorting out the email is a nuisance with it. Would the lenovo work as a second monitor? By the way, the laptop unfortunately has W7. Marcy Dear Marcy That depends on the laptop. With some it works, with others it doesn't. If you see a socket to plug the cable from the monitor in, plug it in, while the laptop is shut off. You will have to mess with the screen resolution and go into Advanced, and play around in there. Chances are good, that with some messing around it will see and recognize the Lenovo, and let you set it as the primary monitor. With W7 that does not mean everything is shifted to the primary monitor, just the task bar and your desktop icons are. When you click on an icon on the task bar or on the desktop, the application will most likely open on the sawed off laptop screen. That is a bit disconcerting, but you can easily drag it over onto the high resolution monitor. You will have 1280 x 780 or something like that on the laptop and 1600 x 1200 on the lenovo monitor, and everything will change as you drag it across. Text will become smaller, but with the higher resolution, it will be smoother and sharper. You can have different programs open on the different monitors and copy/paste back and forth, since they ARE on the same computer. After a few days or a week you'll get the hang of it and appreciate to have that short laptop screen on the side as a memo pad or extension. Chances are good, that if you have a socket for a monitor cable, this will work. Have FUN! DearWebby
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It's YOUR choice: "Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." or "Welcome to hell, here's your harp."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Bobby Pins in a Paper Clip Holder If you are tired of bobby pins being scattered throughout the house, try out this tip. Purchase an inexpensive magnetic paperclip holder and keep your pins in there. This will help keep the vacuum cleaner from finding them, and will help save your budget for not having to buy bobby pins so often. By JSRP from Lincoln, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?" Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful. Mother: "Really?" Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
» Shutter Salt
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship." From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys, let's sell the silly old boat and have a PARTY!"





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Monitor Refresh Frequency 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 9

While sorting through last week's pictures I came across 
this one from a major store at the airport in Munich, Germany:



That was not the first time, that I noticed Germans using 
the word "Sale" as a verb. Most Europeans are eager to 
show that they speak English, but in some areas their
enthusiasm definitely exceeds their skills.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --- Sir Winston Churchill Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. --- Robert Louis Stevenson
Thanks to Ann for this story: Planning a weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Marcial Montes-Lopez, 29 TOO fake drivers license A Golden Gate Estates man couldn't fool anybody when he tried to get his vehicle registration renewed with a fake license, Collier sheriff's deputies said. Marcial Montes-Lopez, 29, of the 1100 block of 21st Street Southwest, used a driver's license described in an arrest report as "obviously fake because of the cartoonish photo and vibrant colors," deputies wrote in an arrest report. He faces a single charge of possessing a counterfeit driver's license. Montes-Lopez was trying to renew his registration at a Collier County Tax Collector's office in Golden Gate when employees spotted the fake ID, deputies said. The license number on the ID was issued to Montes-Lopez but expired in July 2010, the report said. He remains in jail pending bond
Tech Support Pits: From: Gladys Re: Monitor Frequency Dear Webby, Should the monitor frequency be set to the same as the household electricity (60 cycles)? Gladys Dear Gladys No, set it to any frequency BUT that. Especially with fluorecent lighting, that will appear as an unruly and flickering image. Chose the highest frequency that your video card / monitor combination can handle. 72 seems to be good, 96 even better. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a big operation today, but we are rather low on anesthetics, so we need a good size rock."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Bobby Pins in a Paper Clip Holder If you are tired of bobby pins being scattered throughout the house, try out this tip. Purchase an inexpensive magnetic paperclip holder and keep your pins in there. This will help keep the vacuum cleaner from finding them, and will help save your budget for not having to buy bobby pins so often. By JSRP from Lincoln, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me! The whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Not everybody hates you. Lots of people don't even know you yet."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
» Sifted and sorted
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. "No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock." "Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"





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Laptop video not good enough 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 8

Re those unwanted Taliban "suport calls":
Donovan wrote:
I've gotten two of the I've gotten two of the same calls.  
The best response I've heard so far was a friend who didn't 
have anything to do that afternoon so he strung the guy along 
for a while.  Lots of questions like, "So I type wwww. what?" 
and the like.  He figured every minute he wasted the guy's time 
was another person he wouldn't have a chance to suck in.
Take care,
Donovan

Personally I think it is best to not waste time on them and
then wonder if any of their drivel had anything to it. They 
probably mention a few true things to lull you in, but it would
be difficult to tell where they switch to the malicious stuff.
Better be safe than sorry!

Take care,
Donovan

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. --- Segal's Law Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. --- Don Marquis "Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods." --- Dennis Miller
A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over Mrs Santa with the hilarious bloomers." The cashier replied: "That'll be eight dollars for the elves, ten dollars for thebig reindeer, six dollars for the small reindeer, and an apology to my wife!"
Click through for the large version. At the Sonnenkopf last week.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Dan Johnson, Jr, 27 'Idiot' thieves dump rare coin collection into Coinstar machine, get only $450. The kicker: One alleged thief was victim's son; coins were to be part of his inheritance. A man’s rare coin collection worth several thousand dollars was stolen on Christmas Day, and the thieves dumped it into a store’s coin-counting machine in return for only $450. But the kicker, police say, is that one of the thieves was the victim’s son – and, apparently unknown by him, the coins were meant to be part of his inheritance. Multnomah County Sheriff's Deputies are searching for Dan Johnson Jr., a man they said stole tools, two safes and valuable coins from a shed at a Corbett, Ore., home belonging to his own father, Dan Johnson Sr. Deputies said two other men helped him. The safes had approximately 50 to 60 lbs. of silver and jewelry inside, detectives said. They also contained a coin collection worth several tens of thousands of dollars. "It was an inheritance, which made it even worse because I lost an inheritance that was meant to go forward for my children and grandchildren," he said. The coin counting machine would not accept about 500 silver quarters, so the suspects took those to a bank, according to deputies. A smart bank teller suspected foul play and kept those coins aside. The bank is returning those quarters to Johnson Sr. Detective Yohe ran the names of that suspect's known associates through RAPID, a pawnshop database. The man's girlfriend, who did not have a criminal record, showed up twice after pawning a long list of items that Johnson Sr.'s wife recognized as stolen. When deputies showed up at the apartment the couple shared, they found a sack filled with four silver bricks, 1,400 silver half dollars and hundreds of silver dollars -- in the dryer – along with more evidence, Yohe said. The idiots had also dumped diamonds and emeralds into a dumpster, because they believed they were fakes, and they burned bonds, because they had the victim's name on them. Faced with first-degree aggravated theft charges, the pair, who police aren't yet naming, agreed to cooperate and revealed a plot that sounds like the stuff of Hollywood crime comedy: Johnson Jr. is still at large, but police expect to catch the idiot shortly.
Tech Support Pits: From: Elena Re: Laptop video not good enough Dear Webby, I know you have mentioned more than often enough, that "sawed off" monitors are not good enough for work. My hubby and a slick salesman fooled me and I got stuck with a laptop, that can't even drive a decent external monitor. I can't work with a sawed off monitor or an external monitor stretching sawed off screens to full size. Coins look oval, and people look funny. Do I hit the stupid thing over my hubby's head or drop it on his toes? Elena Dear Elena Unfortunately, neither one of those options will fix it. If you got it for Christmas, you should be able to return it by insisting on a 30 day right to return. If you can't return it, ask the manufacturer to recommend an external video card, that supports 4:3 monitors and proper work style resolution, like for example 2000 x 1500 or at least 1600 x 1200. If you can't do that either, then about all you can do is sell it to some grannie, who does not go beyond FaceBook and Farmville. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Cleaning Supplies In Your Car For Idle Moments Store a small bag of car cleaning supplies in your trunk, such as empty bags for litter, car interior wipes, and even a roll of paper towel and window cleaner. I find tidying the car a good use of time when I am waiting on a passenger during an appointment. Those of us who share the family car with our teen drivers know how easily clutter accumulates! By Kathy from PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice. "Whom did you marry?" "A woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?" The witness said meekly, "MY mother did."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
When Paul picked up his Ford Escort at the service station after some minor service, he paid $75 by check as usual. A couple of weeks later, he came home from work to find his wife quite upset. He had a very difficult time figuring out, why she was so angry. Apparently she did not find it funny that he had written into the memo line on the check: "Escort Service."
» Bibliophilic carvings
John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations down the basement. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped fell all the way down to the bottom in a great big messy pile. Jill heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," John wheezed. "Anything broken?" asked Jill "No," John groaned, "I'm OK, I think." There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, "No, I meant my decorations! Is anything important broken?"





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Unsolicited support call 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, January 7

Today a friend skyped me about something that is getting 
more common:

Gary: Dear Webby, are you there?
I got some taliban on the phone right now telling me that 
microsoft told him to call me regading too many error 
messages? any thoughts?

Dear Webby: Tell him to go suck a billygoat

Gary: lol, about to....
Wow, you ARE wearing a red shirt on Fridays!

Dear Webby: Always

Gary:  do i have to use cmd run to open the system services?

Dear Webby: don't do ANYTHING the taliban suggested, 
just tell him to go suck a billygoat, and slam the phone.

Gary: msconfig?

Dear Webby: why do you want to mess with that? Your Skype
works fine, proving your Internet connection is just fine. 
DON'T mess it up!

Gary: {censored} taliban....
Gary: two of them, hardly speak english telling me that my 
computer has been sent hundreds of messages by microsoft 
and that now they are calling to avert a catastrophical crash.....
they wanted me to run eventvs... something on the run box...
Gary: then do an msconfig.. i told them i wansn't running squat 
and how did they get my number....
Gary: I told them that ie7 sucks and crashes regularily

Dear Webby: Why do you think I have the IE7 blocker in the 
Tool Box for ages? Use IE6, the last stable version, or FireFox.

Dear Webby: They have been pestering gullible grannies for months.
Dear Webby: Just use FireFox. It works fine.
Dear Webby: And don't do ANYTHING, that the Taliban suggested!

Gary: Thanks. just didn't make any sense....
Gary: Told them what you told me.
Gary: he's gone now

Gary is using a six year old XP computer. He has moved a lot
and far in the last six years, and there is absolutely no way that 
Microsoft has his phone number. In addition to that, Microsoft 
does not support XP any more and their typical response to XP
questions is to suggest to downgrade to W7. They most definitely
do not pay any Taliban to call XP users with unwanted help.

If you get an unsolicited call like Gary did, respond the same way. 
Diplomacy is not required in that case. And don't do ANYTHING,
that they tell you to do.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things. --- Socratex People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" ----------------- Aren't ALL philosophy professors eccentic? And they all either read what has been read to them a generation earlier, or else specialize on contradicting, what has been read to them.
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon, that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon, that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon, that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Walter R Dixon, 30 Drunk driver passed out in drive-through A man was arrested after he and another man passed out in their SUV while waiting in the drive-through lanes of the Rock ‘N Roll McDonald’s in the River North neighborhood early Sunday, officials said. But instead of getting another burger, police served Walter R. Dixon with DUI charges and doled out a side order of driving on a revoked license, police said. In addition, Dixon, 30, was also cited with illegal transportation of alcohol and obstructing identification, after initially giving police a bogus name, police said. Police News Affairs Officer Darryl Baety said Dixon lives in Memphis, Tenn. About 6 a.m. New Year's Day police were called to the restaurant at 600 N. Clark St. after Dixon and another man fell asleep in a black Volvo SUV in the drive-through lane of the restaurant, according to a police report. When Near North District officers arrived, they found the men fast asleep with the vehicle's key in the ignition, its engine running and the SUV in drive. Dixon’s foot was resting heavily on the brake pedal. Officers awakened the somnulant Dixon and ordered him to put the vehicle in park and hand over the keys. When they asked Dixon if he needed any medical attention or an ambulance, he said no, he “just wanted another McDonald’s sandwich,’’ the report said. The 29-year-old front seat passenger remained asleep. Dixon could not provide any identification and officers noticed his speech was slurred. His breath had a very strong odor of alcohol, police said. The officer asked Dixon if he’d been drinking and Dixon admitted he’d had several glasses of wine, the report said. But on the floor of the SUV officers found an open bottle of tequila with liquor still in it. While outside the SUV, Dixon staggered and the other man finally woke up and was also ordered to get out and then declined medical attention. Dixon intially gave police a false name and home address that turned out to be that of a registered sex offender from Memphis, Tenn. Dixon was arrested after he took a Breathalyzer test and police found his blood-alcohol content was measured at .207, the report said. The legal limit is .08. The vehicle was impounded and his passenger caught a taxi back to his Blue Island home where he lives with his parents, the report said.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Re: Ezinefinder voting Dear Webby, What's the problem with the voting? It is still stuck in last year and doesn't work. Now that you are home again, it's time to fix that! Rosa Dear Rosa The voting is handled by Ezinefinder / ThriftyFun / Cumuli, a totally independent company in the rain forest in Washington state. They are not on our servers, and they don't use UNIX servers, but a Mac server. There is nothing that I can do beyond writing to them occasionally. Their addresses are support@cumuli.com and reply@thriftyfun.com Maybe you have more luck getting though to them than I have. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Gill for this one: My infant son and I sat in front of the tv, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey! Change the channel," I said, shielding our son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay," my husband replied.... "He probably thinks it's the Food Network."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Disposable Cake Platter as a Mini Greenhouse I bought a cake for my daughter's birthday and I was trying not to waste anything. So I decided to use the cake platter and clear plastic lid as a mini greenhouse. I can start some of my perennials in January, so by mid June I should have quite a bunch of plants to plant. By Alice from Canada http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch. He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble call on God. So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?" A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven. The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And again the lord did not response. This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are there I will serve you if you help me." The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?" "Yes," replied the man. The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"? "Yes I do", replied the man. God said, "Let go of the branch." A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled, "is there anybody else up there?" He sure felt stupid when his strength gave out four hours later, and with what he thought was his final scream, he fell two inches.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
If a man is in the forest, all alone, and there isn't a woman around for ten miles, is he still wrong? No, not if he keeps his mouth shut.
» Photographer Predator
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Walmart?" "Just a wild guess."





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So VERY Politically Incorrect...  

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Canada? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.



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Does anyone have the guts to say that this is OK as shown? 


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Tattooed bankrobber 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 5, 2012

It's good to be home again!
Arrived late, and got warned already on the plane about road 
closures due to cars and trucks overturned by high winds.
Traffic was slow on the highway, but never completely stuck.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. --- Victor Hugo The shortest distance between two points is under construction. --- Noelie Altito
An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
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After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio or cell phone in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit the shore?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brandon Stancliff, 25, in Yorkville, Ill Tattooed Robber Thanks to Walter, the Stonecarver, for sending thins one in: A Yorkville man with a distinctive “Mamma’s Boy” tattoo on his face has been charged with robbing an Island Lake bank on Dec. 29. Brandon Stancliff, 25, of 1100 block of Cornell Lane, and Lauri Ruble, 30, 100 block of Oakwood Drive, Antioch, were both charged with armed robbery, according police in Island Lake, a small city near McHenry. According to police, Stancliff and Ruble worked together to rob the Wauconda Community Bank at 229 W. Route 179, in Lake County. Ruble entered the bank alone around 12:30 p.m. and asked if she could exchange coins for dollar bills, police said. She then left the bank, allegedly to get the coins from her car, police said. Ruble and Stancliff left the bank parking lot together in a car and parked nearby. Police said Stancliff then went into the bank demanding money and threatening bank employees with a knife. After receiving some money, Stancliff ran out of the bank and fled, police said. He and Ruble were arrested the next day after pictures of Ruble were sent to local police agencies. In addition to the Lake County charges, Stancliff is also charged with possession of drugs and a stolen vehicle in Kane County. He is charged with stealing the car that was used in the robbery, police said. He was being held in the Kane County jail Tuesday, but is expected to be transferred to Lake County.
Tech Support Pits: From: Beth Re: Hydroxinol Dear Webby, A few years ago you had a link to some articles about the deadly hydroxinol. My mom believes every scary hoax she comes across and is getting quite paranoid. I need that article to get her to lighten up a bit. Thanks Beth Dear Beth I keep those links handy, because a lot of people are in need of them. http://www.dhmo.org/ http://www.holysmoke.org/hs01/dihydro.mon There is even a petition against the deadly hydroxinol! http://www.petitiononline.com/BanDHM/petition.html Have FUN! DearWebby
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Daily tip from
Thriftyfun.com Save Dog Fluff for the Birds At this time of year, your dog will be starting to shed its winter coat. Save all the 'fluff' and hair you remove and put it in hedges or wherever is handiest. The birds love it for lining their nests! Alternatively, if you have lots, stuff it into one of these fatty ball containers and hang it by your bird table. Source: We've always done this, although the idea of using a container came from a bird seed catalog. By Skinnyjinny from Scotland http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their bottoms.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
She married him because he was such a "strong man." She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male." He married her because she was so "fragile and petite." He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." He married her because "she reminds me of my mother." He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day." She married him because he was "happy and romantic." She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving." He married her because she was "steady and sensible." He divorced her because she was "boring and dull." She married him because he was "the life of the party." She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party." She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living." She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
» Art on wheels





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How Bureaucrats Can Ride A Dead Horse 

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, states...

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in modern corporations, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a bigger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead    horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.




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Attainable New Year's Resolutions 

This year, I resolve to...

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Don't have eight children at once.

Get in a whole NEW rut!

Start being superstitious.

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

Don't eat cloned meat.

Create loose ends.

Get more toys.

Get further in debt.

Don't believe politicians.

Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

Avoid transmission of interspecies diseases.

Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

Stay off the International Space Station.

Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Wait around for opportunity.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year's resolutions again.

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