Leaving mail on the server 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, January 18

-32 outside.
I'll plug my car in in the morning and try to start it up at noon.

The news on the lighter side all reported Khadijah Baseer, 31, 
of Los Angeles, offering sex at a McDonalds drive-through
in exchange for a handful of food. Everybody was eager to
make puns and fun of the homeless woman, and eventually
she was reported to the cops, who arrested her.

Nobody gave her a dollar, or even a penny, or shared their food,
even though she was clearly desperate. That is going to come
back on them sooner or later.

Well, at least for now that woman is in jail and getting fed 
for a change. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
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Old men are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. --- François La Rochefoucauld If marriage was outlawed, then only outlaws would have inlaws. --- Socratex
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "It certainly wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were two of the best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Janet Knowles, 62, of Jupiter, FL Woman, upset with 'Judge Judy', attacks man with hammer JUPITER — A 62-year-old woman was arrested Sunday morning after she hit a 65-year-old man on the head with a hammer, police say. Janet Knowles, of Jupiter, was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery using a deadly weapon. Jupiter Police responded to the defendant's house around 11:30 a.m. Sunday after dispatchers received a call of a domestic disturbance. When police arrived, they interviewed the alleged victim - who was not named in the probable cause affidavit - while he held bloody paper towels on his head. The victim told police he was watching "Judge Judy" on television while sitting on his recliner, when Knowles got "upset with Judge Judy," the affidavit says. Knowles then hit him in the head with a hammer and the victim received a "large cut" to his head and left forearm. He was treated at the scene by Palm Beach County Fire Rescue crews. Knowles told police she was upset because Judge Judy was on television. She became "mad" and then hit the victim on the head with the hammer. Knowles also began talking about a neighbor and what a neighbor was wearing, the affidavit says. Police said Knowles could not hold a conversation with them during the investigation. The affidavit does not say what the relationship between Knowles and the victim is or what she was intoxicated with. Knowles is being held in the Palm Beach County Jail without bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Farah Re: Leaving mail on the server Dear Webby, I have to go to the East for four days to a conference and asked my ISP if I can read my mail from there but leave it on the server till I get back to my home machine. I have done that with other ISP's before and they were quite OK with it as long as I told them before each trip. This one went right hysterical and she threatened to cut me off if I get caught doing that. Have there been any changes regarding mail that I am not aware of? Farah Dear Farah The only change is that some ISP's hire dumber boneheads than they used to. Considering how silly that one is, I doubt that they can even tell if you have checked your mail. All they can see is the total size of your mailbox. Most hotel guest machines and cybercafe machines are set to "leave mail on the server" and not to delete it. Just use them like that, and then download and delete the mail off the server when you get back home. I would be willing to bet, that they won't notice that for those 4 days. And with THAT ISP, don't waste your time telling them about any trips that you go on. Thanks DearWebby
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Thanks to Dino for this: In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked "Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered, there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..." "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
» Cacao, the Beginning
A couple went to pay a visit to another couple, unannounced. The wife answered the door. "Come in," she said. The other couple came in,sat down, then asked, "Where's John?" "Oh," replied his wife,"he's in the bathroom, grouting and spackling." "Oh, dear," said the other lady, "I had that once and didn't get over it for two weeks.





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Fake XP-2012 Security Update 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 17

Thank you, Raymond!

-30 outside.
It's a good thing I don't have to drive to town today, because
I would probably have to plug the car in for half a day to get 
it to start. 

During the previous cold cycle I was in the Yukon, and -30
was no big deal at all, especially after a few weeks of -50.
In the Yukon, though, I winterized vehicles differently, than 
I do here. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Too much of a good thing is wonderful. --- Mae West Spare no expense to save money on this one. --- Samuel Goldwyn Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there. --- E. H. Gombrich
A couple went shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later. The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented. Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful lady on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!" She said, "Why?" "Because I've been looking for my wife all over this silly mall and I can't find her," the man replied. "How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is." "I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife instantly appears!"
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A Sunday school teacher asked her students why they had to be quiet during the Church service. One bright little girl replied "Because people are sleeping."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Frank Coleman, 37, in Cincinnatti, Ohio Man robs bank, hails cab then calls 911 to turn himself in CINCINNATI - A man is in custody after he robbed a downtown Cincinnati bank, got into a cab then called 911 to turn himself in Friday afternoon. Police say a man handed a note to a teller demanding money. The suspect, later identified as Frank Coleman, fled from the bank with about $2,000 in cash then got into a cab on Main Street, according to police. He did not show a weapon during the robbery. At 2:30 p.m., Coleman called 911 from the Convention Place Mall on Elm Street saying he robbed a bank and wanted to turn himself in, according to police. He was taken into custody a short timer later. Coleman appeared in court Saturday morning for an arraignment. His next court date is Jan. 23.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: fake XP-2012 Security Update Dear Webby, Over hundred of my readers fell for this fake update, what appeared to be a security update from microslop for xp 2012. It actually is a very nasty virus. There is a remover at REMOVE" target="_blank" >http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/virus-r ... >REMOVE 2012SECURITY VIRUS That worked for them to remove that name changing virus. Dianne Dear Dianne I guess McAfee protected me from seeing that attack, but those readers, who don't have McAfee will benefit from your tip. Thanks DearWebby
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Thanks to Patricia for this one: As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. "Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!" The southern belle replied, "Mah lands! What do y'all walk on?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building, a bank official answered, "Yes, sure, provided he doesn't make a deposit or leave any p-mail."
» Fisheye View
As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"





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Returning unused printer ink 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 16

-23 and snowing. No Gullible warming here either.
Well, at least the level of the roads is not dropping like the
level of the oceans. Could be quite a nuisance driving, 
if the potholes became potbumps.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves. --- Edna Buchanan Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. --- Thomas H. Huxley It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. --- Eugene McCarthy -------------- not any more.
One time while in the Millington, Tennesee Naval Air Station, there was a fearsome thunderstorm which knocked out the electricity in the Navy Exchange. This killed the cash registers, naturally, but the Navy always has a backup. The emergency intercom came on, and a loud female voice announced, "CASHIERS TAKE YOUR CRANKS OUT OF YOUR DRAWERS!" As if that alone was not funny enough, the cash register drawers, which had the little manual cranks inside them, needed electricity, OR those little cranks to open them.
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" the RevI asked the children in Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" he asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," he continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to William Francis Blankenship, in Knox, Indiana Handcuffed man steals town's only police car A handcuffed drug suspect who stole a police cruiser containing loaded guns then wrecked and abandoned the car has been arrested in northwest Indiana. William Francis Blankenship stole the car Tuesday evening in Kouts, Porter County, and subsequently used the police radio to ask where to find the car's cigarette lighter — and the keys to unlock himself, police said. “There was a conversation between him and one of our officers,” Porter County Sheriff's Sgt. Larry LaFlower said. Police didn't tell Blankenship, 22, how to remove the handcuffs, LaFlower said. Police found the town cruiser Wednesday morning “wrecked and submerged in water” in nearby LaPorte County, and Blankenship was no longer with the vehicle, he said. LaFlower did not say if loaded weapons that had been left in the vehicle were still there when the wreck was discovered. Earlier, police had said Blankenship should be considered armed and dangerous. The sole police officer on duty arrested Blankenship on drug charges Tuesday evening in Kouts, a small Indiana town about 50 miles southeast of Chicago. The suspect somehow managed to escape from the back of the car, climb in the front and drive it away, police said.
Tech Support Pits: From: Diana Re: Printer ink returns Dear Webby, Our HP multifunction printer died. Yes, I know, you warned me about those. I learned my lesson, and won't have another one of those, but now we are stuck with a stack of ink cartridges, that we had bought at Walmart. Will anybody accept those? Diana Dear Diana Your landfill probably will, but I doubt anybody else will want to even talk about those. If you had bought the ink from Atlantic Inkjet, they take surplus ink back without any argument and send you ink for your new printer or issue a credit. Before I switched to a long lasting laser printer, the same thing happened to me about once a year. Never any argument or question about it from Atlantic Inkjet. Naturally, the cartridges have to be reasonably fresh and from a recent order, not some, that have been gathering dust and drying out on a shelf for a few years. Especially if you choose to get a short-lived inkjet printer, get acquainted with Atlantic Inkjet. Their ink and toner is top quality,and they are a pleasure to deal with. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Email Coupons This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up all of those emails. My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to not use them. By Cookwie from Richardson, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his father, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!" The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?" "I'm going to play a husband!" "A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back down to that school and tell them you want a speaking part!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Overheard at a Computer Store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
» The Calicos
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in SICK yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"





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Spiral lamps for outside? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 15

People are speculating about the cause of that cruise ship
accident. Was it lower ocean levels? Did they hit a sunk
Italian war ship? There are plenty of them in that area!
Did trying to beach the damaged ship on the rocky shore 
make things worse?

We may get answers some day.
What would be interesting to find out, is why the emergency
lighting system did not work?

Once upon a time long, long ago I tried patenting exit lights,
that had the inner back side covered with zinc oxide, so that
when there was a power failure, they would emit a yellowish-
greenish light for an hour or more, without requiring any 
electricity. That didn't go anywhre. "Exit lights are red, not green,
ya silly young punk!"

Unless the reports are wild exaggerations, those people would
have appreciated a yellowish-greenish light over darkness.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Rules are just helpful guidelines for stupid people who can't make up their own minds. --- Seth Hoffman Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said while they were around. --- Socratex Hindsight is an exact science, except when it comes to autobiographies. --- Socratex
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a hundred and fifty feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight stray cats."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Paul M Brock, 39 in Frankfort, Indiana Drunk car thief threatens to eat cops and their dogs Seven criminal charges were filed in Tippecanoe County on Wednesday against a Frankfort man accused of stealing a car and issuing a threat to eat the arresting officers, their K-9s and their children. Paul M. Brock, 39, was charged with two counts of auto theft, resisting law enforcement, intimidation, operating a vehicle with a blood-alcohol content of 0.15 percent or more and striking a law enforcement animal. Police arrested Brock on Friday night after being called to a reported auto theft at the Speedway Gas Station on Elmwood Avenue about 10:03 p.m. Witnesses told police that a man matching Brock's description got into a vehicle that was not his and drove off. The owner of the vehicle said she left her car unlocked and on because she was warming it up. Police caught up with Brock after he was spotted pulling into the parking lot of the Pay Less on Maple Point Drive. Officers used K-9 units to subdue Brock once he exited the vehicle, and Brock kicked one police dog in the head twice during his arrest. Police determined that Brock was intoxicated, and a blood test later showed that he had a blood-alcohol content of 0.26 percent. When Brock was taken to the hospital for medical clearance, he reportedly told police he would hunt them down and eat them, their dogs and their entire families. He also demanded to be let out of his handcuffs so he could assault police officers. After leaving the hospital, Brock was booked into the Tippecanoe County Jail. He remained incarcerated Wednesday night on a $25,000 surety bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fran Re: Spiral lights for outside Dear Webby, Can those Chinese pigtail lights be used outside? They are marked for Indoors only, but I can't see any reason for that at all. Is that just the usual rip-off? Fran Dear Fran Yes, it is. The same as any lights, they don't take kindly to cold water dripping onto hot glass. As long as you have something, even a piece of tin or plastic shielding rain and snow from falling directly onto them, they are good for a few years. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he mumbled as he wrote on his form.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Email Coupons This suggestion is about coupons you receive from restaurants or grocery stores by email. To keep better track of which to use first due to expiration dates, I forward them to my email address with the name of the restaurant and the expiration date in the subject bar. All I have to do is scan the list instead of opening up all of those emails. My new subject bar will look something like this: "Sweet Tomatoes, exp. June 6". It is much easier to keep track of coupons this way and I don't waste paper and ink printing out the coupons, only to not use them. By Cookwie from Richardson, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Here is an annual favorite: Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, "Who told you about us!?"
» PotPourri Photos
Kathy's wedding turned out to be a real family reuinion. Even her weird cousin Sean from San Francisco showed up. There were too many people to fit into the little church, and since was snowing and raining and blowing quite ferociously, a last minute decision was made to hold the ceremony in the undergound parkade across the street. A priest was ready in his ornate surplice and cassock ready to proceed the march into the parkade and begin the ceremony. He was carrying a briefcase with his book and paraphenalia and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. Sean was seen sidling up to the priest and saying: "Darling, I love your dress, but did you know that your purse is on fire!"





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Add-ons slowing down the connection 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, January 13
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Thank you Jean!

So far there has been no usable help re the Windows 7 
"Unknown publisher" problem.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Friday, the 13 ! Be careful, it is bad luck to be superstitious. People will buy anything that is one to a customer. --- Sinclair Lewis Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win. --- Robert Heinlein
Dad gives some advice to his son before his first real date. "Son, when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get! It's an exchange thing." So, the son showed up for his date with flowers. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'll be right back. There are still TONS of flowers at the cemetery a couple of blocks south of here."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid the shock would give him a heart attack. So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?" And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church." At which the pastor fell over dead.
Thanks to Bonnie for this picture of her sky: Click through for the large version. This was taken at twilight a couple nights ago from my deck in Candia, NH. We had a gorgeous show! Bonnie
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Suzanne Basham, 47, in Springfield, Missouri Woman Seeking Crack Cocaine Calls Police Claims Drug Dealer Sold Her Sugar Instead Suzanne Basham, 47, made that mistake yesterday morning when she dialed police in Springfield, Missouri to report that she had paid $40 for crack cocaine,I that turned out to be sugar, according to an incident report. Basham, who was not seeking a sugar high, asked cops to arrest her dealer for theft (and, of course, secure a refund for her). While patrolmen went to the address where Basham said she purchased the crack, residents there denied selling dope and declined to let investigators into the home. Since cops discovered that Basham was in possession of a crack pipe, she was cited for possession of drug paraphernalia. She is pictured above in a mug shot snapped in October 2010 following a collar for drug possession.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Margarita Re: Add-ons slowing down the connection Dear Webby, My Internet has slowd down to a crawl, and recently in several occasions the program closed because it encountered problems with add-ons. How do I select the ones I want to disable to see if that increases the velocity? I'm afraid to disabled one that my interfere with some web page been seen properly. Thanks for your continued help. Rosa Margarita Dear Rosa Margarita In FireFox click on Tools AddOns PlugIns There you can disable them, if you want. If you just want a list of them, type about:plugins into the address bar. Don't worry about disabling too many. If you actually do miss any, you can always add them again. Just disable them one per day, so that you can tell the difference. By the way, FireFox Add-ons and Plug-ins usually behave quite well. FaceBook and Twitter Add-Ons and applications are a different story. While Firefox add-ons and Plug-Ins usually just "patch" FireFox, and for example give you colored tabs, they don't create any additional traffic at all. It's just a one time patch. Some of the Facebook games and Twitter add-ons notify you about messages and events, and can create a lot of nuisance traffic, that will slow everything else down. Consider turning those off, when you need extra speed. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Cereal Liners For Hot House Covers I save the liner bag from cereal boxes; they are like heavy wax paper. They make great hot house covers for plant starts or to protect small garden plants from early spring frost. When they are used in the garden, they need to be weighed down with soil or stones to prevent the wind from blowing them. They can also be used for children's snacks, etc. By Mary Lou from Sturgis, MI http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was a fairly wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and whispered to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems, and she instantly fell in love with me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Amos for this story: When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all of her medical charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, and she gave him the normal litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
» Azure Window
While downtown at a federal government office, a voice on the office loudspeaker announced: "We will be testing the speaker system to make sure it will work properly in case of emergency." My confidence in this safety precaution faded when the voice added: "If you are unable to hear this announcement, please email building maintenance." It really hit rock bottom, when I found out that 200 people had emailed building maintenance about not hearing the announcement.





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Things That Needed to Be Said 

On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." -- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." -- Gary Valentine

On the difference between men and women: "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers. So people don't blame everything on Satan.'" -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" -- Rich Jeni



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Windows 7 "Unknown publisher" problem 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 12

Have you ever heard anybody, who was neither trying to sell
it or feeling defensive about being stuck with it, saying 
something good about Windows 7 ?

I have!
The Penguins (Linux fans) claim that W7 has done more for
driving people to Linux than any amount of advertising could
have done.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. --- P. J. O'Rourke Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. --- Steve Martin
Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or some physical sport?" "No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." | \\_// | "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her red sky this morning: Click through for the large version. >
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Earl Williamson, 49 in Framington, Maine Call to police backfires A local man was arrested Sunday after police responded to his report of a burglary at his garage and police smelled marijuana. Police uncovered an “elaborate growing operation,” according officer Mike Mejia's police report. Mejia arrested Earl Williamson, 49, of East Dixfield Road, Jay, on a charge of cultivation of marijuana, Detective Richard Caton IV said Monday. Williamson was also charged with unlawful furnishing of schedule drugs and unlawful possession of marijuana, Caton said reading from Mejia's police report. Mejia and officer Nicholas Gulliver responded to the East Dixfield Road residence after Williamson reported people trying to break into his garage, Caton said. Officers questioned Williamson about the smell of marijuana, he said. After an investigation, it was determined there was a growing operation in the upstairs of the garage, Caton said. Police seized about 25 pot plants, several of them fully matured, and about 14 ounces of processed marijuana, he said. Growing equipment was also seized. Williamson was released Sunday on $5,000 unsecured bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Farmington court on Feb. 23.
Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: "Unknown publisher" program Dear Webby, I am not only sharing your dislike of Windows 7 but beginning to hate that piece of crap. How do you get that pitiful abomination to recognize programs, after telling it hundred times a program is OK? I am using a bunch of programs from way before Winddoze 7, and it keeps whining about whether I really want to run a program from an "Unknown publisher". I must have told that stupid nuisance a hundred times, that those programs are OK, but each time something calls one of those perfectly good legacy programs, it does that imbecillic darkening of the screen and childish whining. I even tried to set those programs to run as Administrator, but that did not help at all, and doesn't seem to be reversible either. What a piece of crap! How can I make W7 behave like a properly working OS? Anton Dear Anton Microsoft claims that W7 works, not me. Contact Microsoft Support. If you get any useful help, please tell us. A LOT of people would be interested in a solution to that problem. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Pillow Out of a Favorite T-Shirt Do you have a t-shirt you just can't seem to give up but it has some stains or tears? Well, make it into a pillow. First cut the design or pattern from the front of the shirt into a square, then sew material that coordinates with the shirt around the center. When you have the size you like, take the back of the t-shirt if it's in good condition and make the back of the pillow, sew together and stuff. Now you have a new favorite pillow By Beesplace from Indiana PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job. "I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life, -- shopping and criticizing people."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
I made myself a snowball, as perfect as could be, I thought I'd keep it as a pet, and let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas, and a pillow for its head, Then last night it ran away, but first it wet the bed.
» Old Westerns
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."





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Noisy Computer 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, January 11

Finally had time to resize and upload the pictures from my
trip to http://dawna.com
I spread them over two pages, so that they don't take too 
long to load.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Learning is not compulsory... neither is survival. --- W. Edwards Deming You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. --- Jack London
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Nobody was interested in the GuiltFREE! book. Try Helga's method. It is free! Here is an interesting deal!
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

Jock and Angus, two craggy Scots, were sitting before the clubhouse fireplace after 18 holes on a raw, blustery Christmas Day. The ice slowly melted from their beards and collected in puddles under their chairs. Outside, the wind howled off the North Sea and snow and hail rattled against the windows. The pair sat in silence over their whiskies. Finally, Jock spoke, "Next Monday, same time?" "Aye," Angus replied, "weather permittin'."
Click through for the large version. "3 Towers" seen from the Golm Ski area in the Montafon in Austria. The 3 Towers are actually about 20 miles away from there.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Ray Lynn Mitcham Jr., 33 in Linden, NC Caught having sex with neighbro's dog A 33-year-old man is free on bond after being accused of having sex with a neighbor's dog. The Cumberland County Sheriff's Office says Ray Lynn Mitcham Jr., who lives in the town of Linden, was arrested Monday and charged with a felony crime against nature. Authorities say the alleged incident happened Jan. 2. The sheriff's office says the complaint was filed by the dog's owner, who is also Mitcham's landlord. She told deputies she went to Mitcham's residence early on the morning of Jan. 2 to speak with him. When she opened the door of his mobile home, she said, she witnessed the act. Debbie Tanna, a spokeswoman for the sheriff's office, told WRAL of Raleigh that the dog, a mixed-breed female, was taken to the veterinarian, who recovered a DNA sample. The sheriff's office said it determined Monday that the DNA matched Mitcham's. He appeared in court Monday morning and was released on $5,000 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bea Re: Noisy Computer Dear Webby, My computer is getting noisier all the time. Is there a way to fix that ? Bea Dear Bea If the noise is coming from the hard drive, replace the drive NOW. It will die soon. If the noise is coming from the fans, replace the fans. Even though the bearing damage is probably caused by dirt on the fan blades, cleaning the dirt off does not repair the bearings. However, it may buy you some time. Getting the right fans is very tricky, unless you can get a power supply and a CPU fan from the manufacturer of your computer, and even that is difficult. They prefer to talk you into buying a new computer instead of a little fan. Some computer repair shops have information to match aftermarket fans to brand name computers. This may be a good time to get acquainted with them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Track Of Website Information I got tired of losing scraps of notes I made on popular websites. I bought a very small spiral tablet, labeled it Websites to Visit, and put it near my TV and radio. Now I note all the interesting stuff in one place. I can browse the sites when I have time. By Barbara from Park Ridge, IL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
2011's best CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess Walters will be giving a talk on marriage. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week. Child care provided with reservations. I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to drink. The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains. The Boars of Trustees will be meeting Tuesday night at 8PM The activity will take place on the church barking lot.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "Why? What have ya done now?"
» Mirrored Critters
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?" The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard." The reporter replied, "That's ALL?" The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."





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Mix and Match monitors 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 10



Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Did you ever see the customers in health-food store? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific! --- Bill Cosby
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat , and shot the canary."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more. Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Anquin St. Junious, 32, in LaCrosse, WI Injured inmate caught doing pushups Anquin St. Junious wanted sympathy from a judge Thursday. Instead, he left the courtroom humiliated. He’s the 32-year-old La Crosse man accused of stabbing a downtown tavern bartender Dec. 21 before he suffered a beating that sent him to the hospital. Police say 24-year-old Schlafer, the bar tender, broke up a fight between a group of men inside John's Bar and kicked everyone outside. St. Junious tried to get back into the bar. When Schlafer confronted him, St. Junious stabbed Schlafer in the lower abdomen, and got the crap beaten out of him by the stabbed bartender. The bartender returned to work after a visit to Gundersen Lutheran hospital. St. Junious sat motionless in a wheelchair Thursday as his attorney tried to convince a judge he needed to be released from jail because of a dire medical condition. Since the assault, St. Junious can’t move his arms, can’t walk for more than 15 seconds and has a hole in his throat that is susceptible to infection if he remains in custody, his attorney said. He even requires a special lightweight spoon to feed himself. The problem with that story? Jail staff has St. Junious on surveillance video doing pushups in his cell. Circuit Judge Scott Horne determined St. Junious had exaggerated if not “willfully falsified” his condition. The judge doubled St. Junious’ bond to $50,000 cash. And his luck won’t improve today. Prosecutors are expected to file multiple charges against St. Junious in connection with the stabbing.
Tech Support Pits: From: Marcy Re: Mix and Match Monitors Dear Webby, About three years ago you persuaded me to buy a Lenovo big refurb 1600 x 1200 flat screen monitor for $150. It still works fine on the old desktop, but I was wondering, if I can use it as a second monitor on the laptop. Yes, the laptop has a sawed off screen made for facebook and not much else. Even sorting out the email is a nuisance with it. Would the lenovo work as a second monitor? By the way, the laptop unfortunately has W7. Marcy Dear Marcy That depends on the laptop. With some it works, with others it doesn't. If you see a socket to plug the cable from the monitor in, plug it in, while the laptop is shut off. You will have to mess with the screen resolution and go into Advanced, and play around in there. Chances are good, that with some messing around it will see and recognize the Lenovo, and let you set it as the primary monitor. With W7 that does not mean everything is shifted to the primary monitor, just the task bar and your desktop icons are. When you click on an icon on the task bar or on the desktop, the application will most likely open on the sawed off laptop screen. That is a bit disconcerting, but you can easily drag it over onto the high resolution monitor. You will have 1280 x 780 or something like that on the laptop and 1600 x 1200 on the lenovo monitor, and everything will change as you drag it across. Text will become smaller, but with the higher resolution, it will be smoother and sharper. You can have different programs open on the different monitors and copy/paste back and forth, since they ARE on the same computer. After a few days or a week you'll get the hang of it and appreciate to have that short laptop screen on the side as a memo pad or extension. Chances are good, that if you have a socket for a monitor cable, this will work. Have FUN! DearWebby
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It's YOUR choice: "Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." or "Welcome to hell, here's your harp."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Bobby Pins in a Paper Clip Holder If you are tired of bobby pins being scattered throughout the house, try out this tip. Purchase an inexpensive magnetic paperclip holder and keep your pins in there. This will help keep the vacuum cleaner from finding them, and will help save your budget for not having to buy bobby pins so often. By JSRP from Lincoln, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The doctor has just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women." "Doc, I don't deserve the best," said the patient. "What's second best?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Mother: "How's your history paper coming?" Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful. Mother: "Really?" Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
» Shutter Salt
The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship." From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys, let's sell the silly old boat and have a PARTY!"





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Monitor Refresh Frequency 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 9

While sorting through last week's pictures I came across 
this one from a major store at the airport in Munich, Germany:



That was not the first time, that I noticed Germans using 
the word "Sale" as a verb. Most Europeans are eager to 
show that they speak English, but in some areas their
enthusiasm definitely exceeds their skills.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. --- Sir Winston Churchill Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. --- Robert Louis Stevenson
Thanks to Ann for this story: Planning a weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday. So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked. Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for: There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Marcial Montes-Lopez, 29 TOO fake drivers license A Golden Gate Estates man couldn't fool anybody when he tried to get his vehicle registration renewed with a fake license, Collier sheriff's deputies said. Marcial Montes-Lopez, 29, of the 1100 block of 21st Street Southwest, used a driver's license described in an arrest report as "obviously fake because of the cartoonish photo and vibrant colors," deputies wrote in an arrest report. He faces a single charge of possessing a counterfeit driver's license. Montes-Lopez was trying to renew his registration at a Collier County Tax Collector's office in Golden Gate when employees spotted the fake ID, deputies said. The license number on the ID was issued to Montes-Lopez but expired in July 2010, the report said. He remains in jail pending bond
Tech Support Pits: From: Gladys Re: Monitor Frequency Dear Webby, Should the monitor frequency be set to the same as the household electricity (60 cycles)? Gladys Dear Gladys No, set it to any frequency BUT that. Especially with fluorecent lighting, that will appear as an unruly and flickering image. Chose the highest frequency that your video card / monitor combination can handle. 72 seems to be good, 96 even better. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a big operation today, but we are rather low on anesthetics, so we need a good size rock."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Bobby Pins in a Paper Clip Holder If you are tired of bobby pins being scattered throughout the house, try out this tip. Purchase an inexpensive magnetic paperclip holder and keep your pins in there. This will help keep the vacuum cleaner from finding them, and will help save your budget for not having to buy bobby pins so often. By JSRP from Lincoln, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me! The whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Not everybody hates you. Lots of people don't even know you yet."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
» Sifted and sorted
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. "No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock." "Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"





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Laptop video not good enough 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 8

Re those unwanted Taliban "suport calls":
Donovan wrote:
I've gotten two of the I've gotten two of the same calls.  
The best response I've heard so far was a friend who didn't 
have anything to do that afternoon so he strung the guy along 
for a while.  Lots of questions like, "So I type wwww. what?" 
and the like.  He figured every minute he wasted the guy's time 
was another person he wouldn't have a chance to suck in.
Take care,
Donovan

Personally I think it is best to not waste time on them and
then wonder if any of their drivel had anything to it. They 
probably mention a few true things to lull you in, but it would
be difficult to tell where they switch to the malicious stuff.
Better be safe than sorry!

Take care,
Donovan

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. --- Segal's Law Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. --- Don Marquis "Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods." --- Dennis Miller
A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!" He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over Mrs Santa with the hilarious bloomers." The cashier replied: "That'll be eight dollars for the elves, ten dollars for thebig reindeer, six dollars for the small reindeer, and an apology to my wife!"
Click through for the large version. At the Sonnenkopf last week.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Dan Johnson, Jr, 27 'Idiot' thieves dump rare coin collection into Coinstar machine, get only $450. The kicker: One alleged thief was victim's son; coins were to be part of his inheritance. A man’s rare coin collection worth several thousand dollars was stolen on Christmas Day, and the thieves dumped it into a store’s coin-counting machine in return for only $450. But the kicker, police say, is that one of the thieves was the victim’s son – and, apparently unknown by him, the coins were meant to be part of his inheritance. Multnomah County Sheriff's Deputies are searching for Dan Johnson Jr., a man they said stole tools, two safes and valuable coins from a shed at a Corbett, Ore., home belonging to his own father, Dan Johnson Sr. Deputies said two other men helped him. The safes had approximately 50 to 60 lbs. of silver and jewelry inside, detectives said. They also contained a coin collection worth several tens of thousands of dollars. "It was an inheritance, which made it even worse because I lost an inheritance that was meant to go forward for my children and grandchildren," he said. The coin counting machine would not accept about 500 silver quarters, so the suspects took those to a bank, according to deputies. A smart bank teller suspected foul play and kept those coins aside. The bank is returning those quarters to Johnson Sr. Detective Yohe ran the names of that suspect's known associates through RAPID, a pawnshop database. The man's girlfriend, who did not have a criminal record, showed up twice after pawning a long list of items that Johnson Sr.'s wife recognized as stolen. When deputies showed up at the apartment the couple shared, they found a sack filled with four silver bricks, 1,400 silver half dollars and hundreds of silver dollars -- in the dryer – along with more evidence, Yohe said. The idiots had also dumped diamonds and emeralds into a dumpster, because they believed they were fakes, and they burned bonds, because they had the victim's name on them. Faced with first-degree aggravated theft charges, the pair, who police aren't yet naming, agreed to cooperate and revealed a plot that sounds like the stuff of Hollywood crime comedy: Johnson Jr. is still at large, but police expect to catch the idiot shortly.
Tech Support Pits: From: Elena Re: Laptop video not good enough Dear Webby, I know you have mentioned more than often enough, that "sawed off" monitors are not good enough for work. My hubby and a slick salesman fooled me and I got stuck with a laptop, that can't even drive a decent external monitor. I can't work with a sawed off monitor or an external monitor stretching sawed off screens to full size. Coins look oval, and people look funny. Do I hit the stupid thing over my hubby's head or drop it on his toes? Elena Dear Elena Unfortunately, neither one of those options will fix it. If you got it for Christmas, you should be able to return it by insisting on a 30 day right to return. If you can't return it, ask the manufacturer to recommend an external video card, that supports 4:3 monitors and proper work style resolution, like for example 2000 x 1500 or at least 1600 x 1200. If you can't do that either, then about all you can do is sell it to some grannie, who does not go beyond FaceBook and Farmville. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Cleaning Supplies In Your Car For Idle Moments Store a small bag of car cleaning supplies in your trunk, such as empty bags for litter, car interior wipes, and even a roll of paper towel and window cleaner. I find tidying the car a good use of time when I am waiting on a passenger during an appointment. Those of us who share the family car with our teen drivers know how easily clutter accumulates! By Kathy from PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married ?" "Yes, sir, once" said the witness in a low voice. "Whom did you marry?" "A woman." The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman ! Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man ?" The witness said meekly, "MY mother did."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
When Paul picked up his Ford Escort at the service station after some minor service, he paid $75 by check as usual. A couple of weeks later, he came home from work to find his wife quite upset. He had a very difficult time figuring out, why she was so angry. Apparently she did not find it funny that he had written into the memo line on the check: "Escort Service."
» Bibliophilic carvings
John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations down the basement. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped fell all the way down to the bottom in a great big messy pile. Jill heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," John wheezed. "Anything broken?" asked Jill "No," John groaned, "I'm OK, I think." There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, "No, I meant my decorations! Is anything important broken?"





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Unsolicited support call 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, January 7

Today a friend skyped me about something that is getting 
more common:

Gary: Dear Webby, are you there?
I got some taliban on the phone right now telling me that 
microsoft told him to call me regading too many error 
messages? any thoughts?

Dear Webby: Tell him to go suck a billygoat

Gary: lol, about to....
Wow, you ARE wearing a red shirt on Fridays!

Dear Webby: Always

Gary:  do i have to use cmd run to open the system services?

Dear Webby: don't do ANYTHING the taliban suggested, 
just tell him to go suck a billygoat, and slam the phone.

Gary: msconfig?

Dear Webby: why do you want to mess with that? Your Skype
works fine, proving your Internet connection is just fine. 
DON'T mess it up!

Gary: {censored} taliban....
Gary: two of them, hardly speak english telling me that my 
computer has been sent hundreds of messages by microsoft 
and that now they are calling to avert a catastrophical crash.....
they wanted me to run eventvs... something on the run box...
Gary: then do an msconfig.. i told them i wansn't running squat 
and how did they get my number....
Gary: I told them that ie7 sucks and crashes regularily

Dear Webby: Why do you think I have the IE7 blocker in the 
Tool Box for ages? Use IE6, the last stable version, or FireFox.

Dear Webby: They have been pestering gullible grannies for months.
Dear Webby: Just use FireFox. It works fine.
Dear Webby: And don't do ANYTHING, that the Taliban suggested!

Gary: Thanks. just didn't make any sense....
Gary: Told them what you told me.
Gary: he's gone now

Gary is using a six year old XP computer. He has moved a lot
and far in the last six years, and there is absolutely no way that 
Microsoft has his phone number. In addition to that, Microsoft 
does not support XP any more and their typical response to XP
questions is to suggest to downgrade to W7. They most definitely
do not pay any Taliban to call XP users with unwanted help.

If you get an unsolicited call like Gary did, respond the same way. 
Diplomacy is not required in that case. And don't do ANYTHING,
that they tell you to do.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things. --- Socratex People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?" ----------------- Aren't ALL philosophy professors eccentic? And they all either read what has been read to them a generation earlier, or else specialize on contradicting, what has been read to them.
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon, that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon, that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon, that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Walter R Dixon, 30 Drunk driver passed out in drive-through A man was arrested after he and another man passed out in their SUV while waiting in the drive-through lanes of the Rock ‘N Roll McDonald’s in the River North neighborhood early Sunday, officials said. But instead of getting another burger, police served Walter R. Dixon with DUI charges and doled out a side order of driving on a revoked license, police said. In addition, Dixon, 30, was also cited with illegal transportation of alcohol and obstructing identification, after initially giving police a bogus name, police said. Police News Affairs Officer Darryl Baety said Dixon lives in Memphis, Tenn. About 6 a.m. New Year's Day police were called to the restaurant at 600 N. Clark St. after Dixon and another man fell asleep in a black Volvo SUV in the drive-through lane of the restaurant, according to a police report. When Near North District officers arrived, they found the men fast asleep with the vehicle's key in the ignition, its engine running and the SUV in drive. Dixon’s foot was resting heavily on the brake pedal. Officers awakened the somnulant Dixon and ordered him to put the vehicle in park and hand over the keys. When they asked Dixon if he needed any medical attention or an ambulance, he said no, he “just wanted another McDonald’s sandwich,’’ the report said. The 29-year-old front seat passenger remained asleep. Dixon could not provide any identification and officers noticed his speech was slurred. His breath had a very strong odor of alcohol, police said. The officer asked Dixon if he’d been drinking and Dixon admitted he’d had several glasses of wine, the report said. But on the floor of the SUV officers found an open bottle of tequila with liquor still in it. While outside the SUV, Dixon staggered and the other man finally woke up and was also ordered to get out and then declined medical attention. Dixon intially gave police a false name and home address that turned out to be that of a registered sex offender from Memphis, Tenn. Dixon was arrested after he took a Breathalyzer test and police found his blood-alcohol content was measured at .207, the report said. The legal limit is .08. The vehicle was impounded and his passenger caught a taxi back to his Blue Island home where he lives with his parents, the report said.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Re: Ezinefinder voting Dear Webby, What's the problem with the voting? It is still stuck in last year and doesn't work. Now that you are home again, it's time to fix that! Rosa Dear Rosa The voting is handled by Ezinefinder / ThriftyFun / Cumuli, a totally independent company in the rain forest in Washington state. They are not on our servers, and they don't use UNIX servers, but a Mac server. There is nothing that I can do beyond writing to them occasionally. Their addresses are support@cumuli.com and reply@thriftyfun.com Maybe you have more luck getting though to them than I have. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Gill for this one: My infant son and I sat in front of the tv, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey! Change the channel," I said, shielding our son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay," my husband replied.... "He probably thinks it's the Food Network."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Disposable Cake Platter as a Mini Greenhouse I bought a cake for my daughter's birthday and I was trying not to waste anything. So I decided to use the cake platter and clear plastic lid as a mini greenhouse. I can start some of my perennials in January, so by mid June I should have quite a bunch of plants to plant. By Alice from Canada http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch. He thought for sure he was going to die, but he remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble call on God. So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?" A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven. The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And again the lord did not response. This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are there I will serve you if you help me." The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?" "Yes," replied the man. The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"? "Yes I do", replied the man. God said, "Let go of the branch." A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled, "is there anybody else up there?" He sure felt stupid when his strength gave out four hours later, and with what he thought was his final scream, he fell two inches.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
If a man is in the forest, all alone, and there isn't a woman around for ten miles, is he still wrong? No, not if he keeps his mouth shut.
» Photographer Predator
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though." "What's that, baby?" asks the husband. "How did you know I was at Walmart?" "Just a wild guess."





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So VERY Politically Incorrect...  

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick, It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Canada? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.



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Does anyone have the guts to say that this is OK as shown? 


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Tattooed bankrobber 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 5, 2012

It's good to be home again!
Arrived late, and got warned already on the plane about road 
closures due to cars and trucks overturned by high winds.
Traffic was slow on the highway, but never completely stuck.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. --- Victor Hugo The shortest distance between two points is under construction. --- Noelie Altito
An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
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After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio or cell phone in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit the shore?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brandon Stancliff, 25, in Yorkville, Ill Tattooed Robber Thanks to Walter, the Stonecarver, for sending thins one in: A Yorkville man with a distinctive “Mamma’s Boy” tattoo on his face has been charged with robbing an Island Lake bank on Dec. 29. Brandon Stancliff, 25, of 1100 block of Cornell Lane, and Lauri Ruble, 30, 100 block of Oakwood Drive, Antioch, were both charged with armed robbery, according police in Island Lake, a small city near McHenry. According to police, Stancliff and Ruble worked together to rob the Wauconda Community Bank at 229 W. Route 179, in Lake County. Ruble entered the bank alone around 12:30 p.m. and asked if she could exchange coins for dollar bills, police said. She then left the bank, allegedly to get the coins from her car, police said. Ruble and Stancliff left the bank parking lot together in a car and parked nearby. Police said Stancliff then went into the bank demanding money and threatening bank employees with a knife. After receiving some money, Stancliff ran out of the bank and fled, police said. He and Ruble were arrested the next day after pictures of Ruble were sent to local police agencies. In addition to the Lake County charges, Stancliff is also charged with possession of drugs and a stolen vehicle in Kane County. He is charged with stealing the car that was used in the robbery, police said. He was being held in the Kane County jail Tuesday, but is expected to be transferred to Lake County.
Tech Support Pits: From: Beth Re: Hydroxinol Dear Webby, A few years ago you had a link to some articles about the deadly hydroxinol. My mom believes every scary hoax she comes across and is getting quite paranoid. I need that article to get her to lighten up a bit. Thanks Beth Dear Beth I keep those links handy, because a lot of people are in need of them. http://www.dhmo.org/ http://www.holysmoke.org/hs01/dihydro.mon There is even a petition against the deadly hydroxinol! http://www.petitiononline.com/BanDHM/petition.html Have FUN! DearWebby
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Daily tip from
Thriftyfun.com Save Dog Fluff for the Birds At this time of year, your dog will be starting to shed its winter coat. Save all the 'fluff' and hair you remove and put it in hedges or wherever is handiest. The birds love it for lining their nests! Alternatively, if you have lots, stuff it into one of these fatty ball containers and hang it by your bird table. Source: We've always done this, although the idea of using a container came from a bird seed catalog. By Skinnyjinny from Scotland http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their bottoms.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
She married him because he was such a "strong man." She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male." He married her because she was so "fragile and petite." He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." He married her because "she reminds me of my mother." He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day." She married him because he was "happy and romantic." She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving." He married her because she was "steady and sensible." He divorced her because she was "boring and dull." She married him because he was "the life of the party." She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party." She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living." She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
» Art on wheels





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How Bureaucrats Can Ride A Dead Horse 

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, states...

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in modern corporations, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a bigger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired".

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead    horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.




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Attainable New Year's Resolutions 

This year, I resolve to...

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Read less. Makes you think.

Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

Don't have eight children at once.

Get in a whole NEW rut!

Start being superstitious.

Personal goal: bring back disco.

Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

Don't eat cloned meat.

Create loose ends.

Get more toys.

Get further in debt.

Don't believe politicians.

Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

Avoid transmission of interspecies diseases.

Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

Stay off the International Space Station.

Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

Associate with even worse business clients.

Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

Wait around for opportunity.

Focus on the faults of others.

Mope about my faults.

Never make New Year's resolutions again.

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Parenthood 

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.

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Ezinefinder votes 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Later today I'll take the train to Munich, since I have to be
at the airport Wednesday 8 am, and there are trains that
arrive there that early. Yes, I agree, that is rather stupid 
and incompetent, but typical for Germany, just like their
train platforms never match any train, that might stop there.

The trains, that they produce for export, match platforms
like a well built elevator and allow smooth wheel chair 
or luggage access.
No so for the trains they use themselves. Those are
always at least four times the diameter of luggage wheels
away from platforms, as if they expect the trains to wobble 
along beside the rails, and either too high or too low.
Don't ask me why, just be aware, that is how the Germans
run their trains.

Once you are inside, the trains are just as fast and quiet 
as the ones, that they export. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. --- Socratex Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. --- Mae West There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted. --- James Branch Cabell "There are more important things in life than money - but they won't go out with you if you're broke." --- Socratex
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to James Pemberton III Hit And Run Driver Arrested After days on the run, a man police say rear-ended an off-duty deputy and then ran him over is behind bars. James Pemberton, III was booked at the Jessamine County jail Saturday morning and his girlfriend is also in custody. Police say she was in the car when Pemberton ran over the deputy. "He says he went down for a split second and rear-ended somebody and he didn't know it was an officer," says Megon Potter, the girlfriend of the driver who was arrested. Potter says she was in the passenger seat when her boyfriend James Pemberton III rear-ended the off-duty Jessamine County Sheriff's Deputy on December 9th at the intersectino of US 27 and Brannon Crossing. Investigators say when the deputy got out to check and see if everyone was okay and told them he was a deputy, Pemberton knocked him out of the way as he sped off. Pemberton's girlfriend Potter says the impact of the crash knocked her out. "I was blacked out so he kept driving until I came to," she says. "He told me to get out, I didn't know it was stolen. He told me to get out and start running." Police arrested Potter Friday when they found her driving a stolen car at Pemberton's Nicholasville home. The abandoned truck on Southpoint Drive in Lexington eventually led investigators to surveillance video LEX 18 also obtained. Police say that helped them identify who Pemberton was Friday and when someone noticed him acting suspiciously outside a store in Wayne County Saturday morning, police arrested him. "Had it not been for the cooperative effort from everyone involved this case may have gone unsolved," says Kevin Grimes with Nicholasville Police Department.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dani Re: Ezinefinder Dear Webby I see the ezine counter is at it again. That company really needs some help! Dani Dear Dani I don't really expect them to adjust for 2012 until about 4-5 days from now, and after some nagging. That is the tradition with them. They are slow to start a new year, but they are still the only really relevant counter, since they use actual reader votes, not just paid listings. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Oliver had given Judi one of those new fangled electric coffee makers for an anniversary present. Within a week she was taking it back to the store. The lady at the return counter asked her if it worked. "Oh sure, it makes a great cup of coffee. Just like the booklet said, I plug it in, set the timer, go on to bed, and, when I get up, the coffee's ready!" "So, ma'am, what's wrong with it?" "I don't want to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee." ------------- Judy sure changed since she met Oliver!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Post its For Bookmarks I use post it note paper as bookmarks. You can get the really small ones in a variety of colors, they work really great. Plus, they don't slip out of books like regular bookmarks. By LuLu from Chicago, IL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a salesman, "Do you have anything I could fit into?" "Well," the man says, "I think I could probably fit you into that elevator."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Alvin for this story: For Air Defense artillerymen, the Annual Service Practice is an important event as it's the only time they're permitted to fire live missiles. It draws not only the inspectors, but also several dignitaries. As the safety officer during one such event, I was in the control tower along with our executive officer. The exec was explaining the day's activities by the public-address system to visitors who were in a safe viewing area. Suddenly, on the firing line, a soldier lit up a cigarette. Before I can react, the exec grabbed the microphone and shouted, "PUT OUT THAT @#$%*& CIGARETTE!" Two generals, a Congressman, and the local mayor obediently put their cigarettes out..
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Sync Bookmarks 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 2, 2012

Thank you Richard!


Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody. --- Agatha Christie Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. --- Laurence J. Peter
A friend at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!" "Don't worry," David replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody." "They did," said the voice.
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!
Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn't come out. "That's ok," she said as she took her camera back. "I always get double prints."
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Calvin Hubbard, 34 Bar Sleeper arrested SACRAMENTO -- A man decided to stay well-past closing time at an Old Sacramento bar, tripping the alarm when he stumbled awake for a middle-of-the-night snack. Tuesday night, cops say Calvin Hubbard sneaked into the women's restroom at the Coconut Grove Sports Bar and Grill along J Street. He hid there until the bar closed for the night. The owner of the Coconut Grove, Mateo Corpuz, told FOX40 his employees had escorted Hubbard out of the bar earlier Tuesday night, but apparently he found his way back in. After everyone had left, Hubbard allegedly helped himself to the alcohol behind the bar. Cops say he drank heavily and fell asleep. Corpuz told FOX40 when Hubbard woke up early Wednesday morning, he stumbled around the closed bar and found his way to the freezer for some ice cream. There is a burglar alarm on the bar's fridge and freezer. After eating, Hubbard fell back asleep on an employee couch. That's where Corpuz and cops found him sleeping with his shoes off around 9 a.m. Hubbard was arrested for burglary. Corpuz says Hubbard drank about a half a bottle of Patron, half a bottle of Crown Royal and half a bottle of 12-year-old Scotch. Hubbard’s drinking spree would have cost a paying customer about $700. He was arrested and booked into the Sacramento County Mail Jail for burglary, and his bail was set at $10,000.
Tech Support Pits: From: Neil Re: Sync Bookmarks Dear Webby Sync bookmarks using x-marks-- free addon for firefox http://www.xmarks.com/ It allows me to maintain bookmarks over several computers and between browsers if I want. The premium version will sync to smart phones and ipad For exporting bookmarks remember to run am-deadlink first http://aignes.com/deadlink.htm Thanks Neil! I mentioned am-deadlink before for weeding out dead and obsolete links, znd agree it is a great idea! Have FUN! DearWebby
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During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Post its For Bookmarks I use post it note paper as bookmarks. You can get the really small ones in a variety of colors, they work really great. Plus, they don't slip out of books like regular bookmarks. By LuLu from Chicago, IL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my little friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Leo for this one: My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our 5-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these silly mooches to dinner?"
The Rev. Warren J. Keating, pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, Ariz., says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
» Unusual Critters





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New Year's Day Prayer 

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper,
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed,
and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen



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Save FireFox bookmarks to a new computer 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
I wish you all the best for 2012!

It was a strange feeling being 6 - 8 time zones away from 
most of you when the year changed here. 
While I was trying to hurry back to write the Humor Letter
for you, triends and relatives were hooting and hollering.
Once I realized, that I had a few extra hours grace, I relaxed,
but it sure was a strange feeling.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. --- Ron Nesen
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law." A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely? Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?" "Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused, and then said, "But I boiled them first."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!
A not so bright woman asks her lawyer about getting a divorce. The lawyer asks, "Does he beat you?" "No, he does not." "Does he keep you short of money?" "No, he does not." "Is he a perpetual drunkard?" "No, he is not." "Is he unfaithful to you?" "Ahhh, we've got him there. He was not the father of my last kid."
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Mary Quinn, 47, One Stop, 18 Traffic Citations Mary Quinn was pulled over for traffic violations, but didn't stick around for her tickets... probably because of the warrant out for her arrest. Police in Long Island, NY, say after initially talking to the officer, the 47-year-old decided to bolt -- and took her Ford Taurus on an 11-minute destruction spree. By the time it was over, she had struck four police cars and had attempted to run over cops who were pursuing her on foot. The newspaper says she ultimately received 18 traffic citations, in addition to charges of criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest, unlawful fleeing and assault. Quinn recently did seven years in prison for burglary and robbery. and there was an arrest waarant out for her for a parole violation. She has a lengthy record.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: Save FireFox Bookmarks to new computer Dear Webby How do I save my FieFox Bookmarks, so that I can use them on my new computer? Thanks Rose Dear Rose Bokkmark management is FireFox's weak spot. That is why there are good add-ons to take care of that. However, You definitely CAN do it even without add-ons. CTRL SHIFT B or Bookmarks, Show All Bookmarks ALT I or Import & Backup There you have a choice of Back-Up, which creates a file, that you can Import into FireFox on a different machine, even with a different version of Windows, Or Export as HTML, to create a web page that looks like a menu with each of your bookmarks as a link. If you want ALL your old bookmarks, choose the first option. If you want to weed them out and dump obsolete or bad ones, select the second method. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a cowboy shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's the one fringe benefit I get for owning the company."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Brillo Pad Last Longer To prevent a Brillo pad from getting rusty, rinse it after use, then shake out all of the excess water. Make sure no more water comes out when you shake it. I even hit the pad against the sink wall a few times. The pad will last so much longer! By FI1969 from Catonsville, MD http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job," he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie." The painter thanked him and agreed to do that. Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?" "Nope," replied the painter. "I'm a man of my word. I'm here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"
Our hometown was so small that . . . ~ long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy ~ in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened ~ the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill ~ instead of hoses, the Fire Department just cranks up the sprinkler at the fire hall. ~ the parking meter was on a cart so that we coould use it on either side of the street. ~ during snowstorms they arrested the first drunk they found to have a driver for the snow plow. ~ the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Jail Warden, garbage truck driver and barber. ~ the municipal water system's pump was self-serve, hand operated. ~ the local Motel 6 sleeps six and parties 20.
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The War On Terrorism Taken To Extremes 

Or The Progressives Are At It Again

A new law scheduled to take effect on January 1 2012 makes it illegal to tell blonde jokes.
The reason? Well blondes might feel marginalized by the jokes and resort to terrorism...
News Story Here


Penalties for serious breaches of the law include up to two years in prison.

Here is my contribution

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out.

After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together."

The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Did you hear about the blonde who studied for her blood test and still failed it?

And did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

Why aren't blondes hired for elevator jobs?

Because they can't remember the route.

Did you hear about the blonde who almost killed her toy poodle?

She tried to insert batteries.

I am awaiting extradition for my "crimes". Think I'll get life?



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OE attachments need IE8 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, December 31

Three cheers for China for their decision to go ahead with the
Xiaonanhai dam! Luckily they have a successful way of dealing
with nay-sayers, phonies and liars.

The liars tried to con the sheeple into believing, the dam COULD
endanger certain rare fish. That of course, is total BS. 
When an area as large as that is involved, fish move whenever
it suits them, or when it doesn't suit them.

What is of prime and only importance is that a LOT of the 
energy production will be shifted from coal to clean
river electricity. And for THAT they got my cheers and well 
wishes!

Those hysterical nay-sayers in China reminds me of a true
occurrence here in West Austria, where I am currently 
visiting. About 40 or so years ago, they wanted to build a
much needed freeway connector road trough a marshy bog
to the Rhine and across it to Switzerland. The Nay-Sayers
protested against it, claiming that a certain rare bird was
nesting in that bog. They got enough sheeple riled up, that
the bog was declared a bird sanctuary and the needed 
connector road forbidden.

In all the years since then, nobody has ever photographed
or recorded that mystical bird, and even though it is common
knowledge, that the claims were a hoax, the badly necessary 
road has not been built. 

It is the same with that dam in China. The Yangtse is such a 
huge river, that a dam won't bother any supposedly rare fish.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. --- Oscar Wilde A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life. --- Robertson Davies When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. --- Thomas Szasz I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for. --- Jasper Carrott ------------- Don't worry. Anybody who listens to FM in the morning already knows.
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse, put the green mud-pack on her face, the teeth-whitening cartridge in her mouth and proceeded to wash her hair and stick curlers into it. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel over her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that monfter ?"
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!
Thanks to Andrea for this one: As I was opening my coffee creamer this morning, I had an idiot idea. When the liquid coffee creamer is new, you need to tear off the seal. So, on the seal, it says... Remove Seal, Shake Well. So, I did.. Boy..did I have a major mess to clean up!! :) ------- Are you the one, whose kids unscrewed the ketchup bottle top at the restaurant, and made sure you were busy yelling at them and not watching the bottle, when you shook it ?
During their ten year anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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Dianne sent me a link to this bonehead candidate, but somehow I have a hunch, the report might be a hoax. Obese woman sues mcDonalds after they refuse to serve her You can decide on your own, whether the story is true or not. If you have more information about it, please let me know. An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD Isiah Johnson,20, in Sanduski, Ohio Facebook pictures lead to stolen ring BURLINGTON, Vt., Dec. 29 (UPI) -- Police in Vermont said a man was arrested for stealing an engagement ring after his fiancee posted pictures of the item on Facebook. Burlington police said three people contacted police Tuesday to report seeing a ring matching the description of the one taken Monday from Zales Jewelry on Church Street in photographs on Amber Lafountain's Facebook page, the Burlington Free Press reported Thursday. Lafountain said the ring was given to her by fiance Ryan Jarvis, 25, who admitted to police he ran off with the $3,199 ring Monday after determining he would not be able to afford it. "He reported that he considered financing options, but concluded that he would be unable to afford the ring he wanted," Officer Jesse Stewart wrote in a sworn affidavit. "He reported that he then ran out of the store with the ring. He advised he knew it was a stupid thing to do." Even though he admitted, that it was a stupid thing to do, Jarvis pleaded not guilty Wednesday to one felony count of retail theft.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: IE8 versus IE9 Dear Webby If somebody is stuck with Outlook Express, they need IE8 to open attachments. They can use modern browsers for everything else. Dianne Dear Dianne I don't use OE, but that is typical with most Microsoft programs, but not all of them. Somehow they don't seem to want to be consistent or predictable or up to standard. Maybe IE10 will open OE attachments again, instead of forcing you to switch email programs ? Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Fitted Bassinet Sheet to Keep Car Seat Cool Here's an a-ha use for a white fitted bassinet sheet your child has outgrown: cover her dark car seat with it, while the car is parked, to keep it cool! A bassinet sheet fits nicely over a bigger kid's seat. I've googled for this and didn't find anything, which surprises me. By Gapotter from Raleigh, NC http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The Garden of Eden was in Scotland. Proof ? Adam was a Scotsman. God looked down and noticed that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decided to create a companion for man as well. He went to see Adam and said to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replied, "What could I get for a rib?"
A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you were catapulted from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class.
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IE8 versus IE9 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, December 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Re the economics of re-using water for electricity generation,
that a lot of you asked.

A large part of the European grid is supplied by the huge 
nuclear power plants in France and Germany. Whie that
electricity is extremely cheap, it is also about as impossible
to increase as a river power plant. They can not crank them
up for the toaster rush in the morning, the lunch or the 
supper rush. That is when the demand for power is the
greatest, and when the grid administration pays the most 
for demand electricity. That is when the mountain powerplants
drain high altitude lakes though 3000 foot or more drop
pipelines. Imagine a lake way up there above the tree line
draining faster than your bathtub, screaming through turbines
in the valley. That produces incredible amounts of high priced
prime time electricity. 

At night, when the big nuclear power plants can not be cranked
down, night electricity is cheap and NEEDS to be used, to 
keep the grid stable. That is when the mountain powerplants
pump the water back up and refill the high altitude lakes.



Here is a 1927 picture of some of those high pressure turbines.
See the guy standing beside one of them?

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I wonder what it means when your grandson is more crotchety than you are. --- Aaron McGruder "The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex." --- Jay Leno There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. --- William James
An English bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to Canada and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. "How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the first. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my dear cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock. "By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department will be getting her down."
GuiltFREE! 50 Simple Recipes You Can Use To Whip-up All-natural, Gluten-free, Diabetic-safe, Mouthwatering Desserts, includes Gingerbread and the Famous Fat Burning Brownies! Enjoy a GuiltFREE! New Year and ease off any excess weight!
Thanks to Nina for this story: My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?" "Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
Thanks to Rosa for this story: I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years. The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?" "Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD Isiah Johnson,20, in Sanduski, Ohio Karaoke "singer" punches booers A karaoke singer whose performance was met by a cascade of boos at an Ohio bar allegedly punched three people in the face after he was asked to leave the watering hole Tuesday night, police report. Isiah Johnson, 20, was singing karaoke at Cabana Jack’s “when people started booing at him,” a bartender told cops. In response to the razzing, Johnson “threw down the microphone,” according to a Sandusky Police Department report. At that point, Johnson, pictured in the above mug shot, was escorted from the bar. After returning, he was again asked to leave. That’s when Johnson allegedly began punching guys in the face (three men were hit, cops noted). Johnson was eventually pinned to the ground by two other men until police arrived. He was “noticed to be under the influence of intoxicants,” reported cops who charged Johnson with three counts of assault, obstruction, resisting arrest, persistent disorderly conduct, intoxication, and underage consumption.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rosa Margarita Re: IE8 versus IE9 Dear Webby I use Windows XP and recently I have visited sites suggesting I update my browser to IE 8, since 9 is not supported by XP. Should I update? The download I located says it includes bing search and MSN. I already have MSN as my home page. Would not including bing and MSN cause any problems? I am not very computer literate so any comments and suggestions will be aprreciated. thanks... Have a great new year. Rosa Margarita Dear Rosa Margarita Just use FireFox. It is generations ahead and does not care, whether you use XP or W7. FireFox does not play stupid games to try to con you to switch to W7. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Ann for this: I was in Taco Bell for dinner, had gotten a drink and wanted a refill. I asked the counter guy for a refill and handed him my cup. He said: "Take off your top!" I said: "Excuse me? I will not! It is not proper etiquette to ask a woman to 'take off her top!' That's a rude request coming from a strange man!" The guy blushed and said: "Errrrr, sorry! I meant take off the top of your soda cup." ------ I know Ann, and that is a typical occurrence for her. Because of her perpetual high collars, some of us call her Sr Anna.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Magazine Pictures For Crafts I love to make my own cards and gift bags and I love magazines (I get a ton). When I want to make card for a certain holiday, lets say Halloween, I just pull out my latest magazine, they always arrive a month ahead of time, and look for cute pictures of pumpkins, black cats and other Halloween related pictures. If I can't find what I want, I pull out an older issue of the same month. By Jennifer from Conyers, GA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Jacob for this one: My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up with a puzzled look and said, "Mom, these are MY feet!"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: ME
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Revert to older versions of FireFox 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, December 29

Tom corrected me re the number of reindeer.

"Your story about the 11 reindeer was one short. There are twelve. 
They are the eleven you mentioned plus Andy 
("Andy shouted out with glee..")
Tom
"

Today dad took me up to the Golm. I used to ski there, when I was
a teen, and in summer climb the the towers you see in the back.
They are actually quite huge, just look small in the zoom.



The cable car going up to where I took that picture, not the 
6 seater chair lift you see in the picture, was quite 
interesting too. It is in two parts. The first cable is 
from the bottom to the middle station, and loops back down.
The cable cars, however, jump off the fast cable and inch
through the station, allowing people to exit or get on, 
and they can also inject more cars there or take some out,
depending on demand. Then the cars drop onto a fast cable
again and zip up another 1500 feet higher.

The reason for the middle station, and the restaurants there,
is because in spring the snow does not reach all the way into
the valley.

And guess what the original cause for all the fancy cable
stuff is?

When I was a kid, they just had a cable pulled inclined
freight elevator for building power plant stuff,
but they also hauled skiers, of course.



Here you see the 8 foot high pressure pipeline. In those days
it was bolted together instead of welded, but it still holds 
up fine, with occasional painting.

The water comes from a high altitude lake, runs through a 
bunch of turbines to produce peak time electricity for the 
European grid, spills into a small artificial lake, and from
there again runs through a similar pipeline the rest of the 
way down into the valley. When it was built, the pipe steel 
at the time could only handle a 4000 foot drop, so they had
to split it and put a lake in between.

That also adds more versatility, especially since they buy
cheap night-time electricity, and pump the water back up
to the top. Same old water, fresh electricity every day 
during peak time..

If you bitch about ski lifts and stuff messing up the landscape,
you would probably get run over by a few hundred skiers, 
snow boarders, sleigh riders and hikers. 

The food at the bottom, midway, top and ultimate top is 
excellent, but getting a seat inside or out can be a bit tricky
at times, since they only seat about 300 people at a time.
However, to cope with that many people all day long,
they are usually self-serve buffets, and you load up what 
you want. Not having to wait for a server speeds things up
tremendously.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The gods too are fond of a joke. --- Aristotle Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows. --- David T. Wolf
Jill came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?" "Not really," Jille replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train." "Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?" "I couldn't," replied Jill, "there was no one there."
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Get the Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes!
Don't worry about messing up on those great chocolate recipes and gaining a pound. You won't because of THOSE! They are fool-proof. However, since you are likely to gain a few pounds between now and the time you make your new Year's resolutions, just because of the unhealthy stuff other people foist upon you, I will bring back the Guilt-Free Cooking link on New Year's Day, and keep it up there for a week. These books make great last minute or LATE Christmas presents! In case you REALLY cram on the pounds, or meet somebody, whom you want to impress, I still got access to the Fat Burning Furnace method, and will bring that link back on Jan 1 as well. So, enjoy the holidays and don't worry! It's quite OK to gain a few pounds for a couple more days before the big weigh-in on New Year's Eve. That will give you that much more weight, that you can easily shed in the New Year with those books.
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it." she said. "What book are you looking for, dear?" the librarian asked. Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD Andrew Hickey, 39, of Peekskill, NY Stole Greyhound bus for joyride WATERTOWN, N.Y. - Authorities say a 39-year-old man stole a Greyhound bus in Syracuse and decided to a make a Christmas Day visit to a friend in northern New York before he was caught. Authorities say Andrew Hickey of Peekskill, Westchester County, boarded the bus Sunday morning because he was cold and the vehicle was running and warm while being fueled at the Syracuse transportation center. Officials say Hickey drove off and headed north to a friend's home in Watertown, 60 miles away. Police say he has a commercial driver's license and knows how to drive a bus. Greyhound disabled the runaway bus electronically two hours later in Watertown. The company notified Jefferson County sheriff's deputies, who made the arrest. Hickey has been charged with stealing the bus. He's in the county jail, and when theyget their camera back, there might be a mugshot.
Tech Support Pits: From: Molly Re: Problem with current version of FireFox Dear Webby hello :0)) I am using XP and I'm having a problem with Firefox. I would get messages to update to the newest version 9, but I heard people have had problems with it. I kept refusing the update till one day when I went to use firefox it updated by itself to the newest version. Now I have problems with it crashing. I deleted it from my programmes. I uploaded it again and it still crashes. I've done a virus check. I know you use XP and Firefox as well any suggestions? Thank you very much for your time.. Molly Dear Molly I have no problem with the current version, but you CAN un-install it, download a previous version, and install that. The old vertsons are at http://www.oldapps.com/firefox.php Have FUN! DearWebby
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William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him. "Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Magazine Pictures For Crafts I love to make my own cards and gift bags and I love magazines (I get a ton). When I want to make card for a certain holiday, lets say Halloween, I just pull out my latest magazine, they always arrive a month ahead of time, and look for cute pictures of pumpkins, black cats and other Halloween related pictures. If I can't find what I want, I pull out an older issue of the same month. By Jennifer from Conyers, GA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The teen-ager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teen-ager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
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Lawyer Jokes 

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three.
The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to SCREW a light bulb...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer do after sex?
Pays the bill.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
Taller.




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Cannabis Tree 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, December 28

Today my dad took me up to the Sonnenkopf.

This picture is from inside one of the 100 cablecars on that
system. They run non-stop, like a chairlift, but at the top
and bottom, they get lifted off the fast cable and trundle 
around on a very slow turntable, allowing people to
step out of them or into them.

Then the doors close and the 8 seater cable car drops back 
onto the 30 mile per hour cable. It is quite a neat system, 
and it sure moves a lot of people in a hurry!.

That picture looks almost straight downinto the valley.
Across the valley you see the cut line of the Souller See
pipeline, that brings high pressure water from a high altitude
lake way up behind that mountain down to a power plant
at the bottom of the valley. It was built in the early 1920's
and powers the electrical trains in that province.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. --- Anthony Burgess Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. --- Will Rogers
Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) The old Indian man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver yelled. So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!" Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I'm going pretty fast!" All of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old Indian man is looking in the window. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well see what he wants now! " yells back the driver. The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard. Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently replies, "Do you want some help getting out of the mud?"
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Get the Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes!
Don't worry about messing up on those great chocolate recipes and gaining a pound. You won't because of THOSE! They are fool-proof. However, since you are likely to gain a few pounds between now and the time you make your new Year's resolutions, just because of the unhealthy stuff other people foist upon you, I will bring back the Guilt-Free Cooking link on New Year's Day, and keep it up there for a week. These books make great last minute or LATE Christmas presents! In case you REALLY cram on the pounds, or meet somebody, whom you want to impress, I still got access to the Fat Burning Furnace method, and will bring that link back on Jan 1 as well. So, enjoy the holidays and don't worry! It's quite OK to gain a few pounds for a couple more days before the big weigh-in on New Year's Eve. That will give you that much more weight, that you can easily shed in the New Year with those books.
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her! As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again. Don'tcha just LOVE shopping for SHOES ---------------- That reminds me, Brenda at TriangleB is selling her fancy cowboy boots. Usually she just sells Tennessee Walking Horses, but she needs larger boots and is selling her old ones. Here is your chance to pick up some top quality cowboy boots from a real horse breeder for a song!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Ian Richards, 46 in Canterbury, England Cannabis Christmas Tree Ian Richards, 46, from Canterbury, Britain grew a large cannabis plant to look like a Christmas tree, according to local press. He made the cannabis plant resemble a festive tree by growing it to 5ft tall, trimming it symmetrically and decorating it with balls. But he will spend the festive season not behind this tree, but behind bars. Police found cannabis plants a in his home, near Canterbury, Kent. Ian Richards has been arrested on suspicion of possessing class A drugs with intent to supply and remains in police custody. Investigating officer Pc Darren Dennett, of Kent Police, said: “By using a 5ft tall cannabis plant as a Christmas tree, Richards showed a total disregard for the law.”
Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: Moving file cabinets Dear Webby, Your advice about moving a file cabinet was good but I believe you should have mentioned to put the nap or pile side down. Bath mats are usually rubber backed and throw rugs have some sort of jute backing which will scratch wood flooring. Not everyone is bright enough to think of that. An even better solution would be to purchase a pack of furniture moving discs or sliders. There a some that look like small circular rugs which slip under sofa legs, for example, and make moving furniture around on hardwood and/or laminate floors a breeze. tom :---) Dear Tom Good points! Thanks! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Silverware Tray to Organize Makeup Drawer I used to hate my makeup drawer! Now I use the silverware trays from the dollar store to organize my cosmetics! Its works great and when it gets dirty I can just toss it in the dishwasher! I even stack one on top of the other. I put less used makeups in the bottom one! By ivorylov from Ocala, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Fran for sending this one: When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. "I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Nice re-write of a classic: A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Santa has 11 reindeer. Name them! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudoph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer) and Al (Then Al the reindeer loved him) Christmas: That time of the year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.
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Moving file cabinets 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, December 27

Somehow, seeing the news in a foreign language, 
yes German now seems foreign to me, makes  them seem
unreal, like entertainment, an inclusion in a movie, that the
movie heroes are watching. 

That is no problem, I usually take the news with a bit of salt
anyway, to subtract the slant, that the reporters put on them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking. --- Clement Atlee What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves. --- Paul Valery I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. --- Jack Handey He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. -- Chinese Proverb
When my granddaughter, Marissa, was 4 yrs. old, we were waiting in the car at the school to pick up her brother, Michael, and her cousin, Mark. Marissa was sitting in the back seat of the car, eating gummy bears candies and said to me, "Mimi, guess what color I am eating now!" Of course, since I was looking in the rear view mirror, told her each and every color she was eating. Marissa was so surprised, she asked, "How do you know what color the candy is?" I told her that I was a psychic. Two days later, while in the middle of driving, she again asked me what color candy she was eating. This time I couldn't keep on looking in the mirror, so I just guessed any color. Marissa then said, "Oh, Mimi, I guess you're not a psycho anymore."
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Get the Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes!
Don't worry about messing up on those great chocolate recipes and gaining a pound. You won't because of THOSE! They are fool-proof. However, since you are likely to gain a few pounds between now and the time you make your new Year's resolutions, just because of the unhealthy stuff other people foist upon you, I will bring back the Guilt-Free Cooking link on New Year's Day, and keep it up there for a week. These books make great last minute or LATE Christmas presents! In case you REALLY cram on the pounds, or meet somebody, whom you want to impress, I still got access to the Fat Burning Furnace method, and will bring that link back on Jan 1 as well. So, enjoy the holidays and don't worry! It's quite OK to gain a fe pounds for a couple more days before the big weigh-in on New Year's Eve. That will give you that much more weight, that you can easily shed in the New Year with those books.
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick and knee the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Jacquetta Simmons, 26 in Batavia, NY Woman accused of punching Walmart greeter BATAVIA, N.Y. A woman spent her Christmas in jail, after she punched a Walmart greeter as she left the store on Christmas Eve. Jacquetta Simmons, 26, was charged with two counts of second- degree assault, State Police Trooper Tracy Patterson said. She faces a second count because the victim, Grace Suozzi, 70, is older than 65. Patterson said Simmons is accused of punching and knocking down Suozzi at 11:23 a.m. after the employee asked Simmons to see receipts for items the customer was carrying in store bags. After hitting Suozzi, Simmons ran out of the store, but employees and customers quickly surrounded her until police arrived. Suozzi suffered fractures to the left side of her face and significant swelling, Patterson said. Simmons on Sunday was being held in Genesee County Jail in lieu of $20,000 bail. Patterson said Simmons did have receipts for everything in her bags and must have forgotten, that she did not have to run.
Tech Support Pits: From: Anna Re: Moving file cabinets Dear Webby, I need to move a couple of file cabinets temporarily to make room for the New Year's Eve festivities. What's the best way of doing that without scratching up the hardwood floor? Thanks Anna Dear Anna Get a welcome mat or a small piece of rug about the same size as a door mat. Bathroom ruglets work fine. Tilt the file cabinet sideways and kick the ruglet underneath it. Use a large wooden spoon to move the cabinets apart and away from the wall. Use some rope or strong string and make a lassoo or noose and slide it over the file cabinet and down to just a finger's width above the floor. With that you can now easily and safely tow the file cabinet around. When you get it near the intended location, avoid back injuries by sitting on the floor and pushing the cabinet the last foot or so with your feet. If the cabinet has to go to an area where you have carpet, use a plastic sheet like the "Magic Carpets" that the kids use for sliding down snowy hills. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an antique car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "it says in the BIBLE, that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury?" Then he added proudly, "And THAT is THE real and original Plymouth Fury! Uncle Bubba has it on blocks in front of his trailer!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Excess Cranberries Cranberries are cheapest now, and unavailable at many times of the year. Buy extra and just stick them in the freezer as is. Frozen berries can be used in all recipes calling for fresh. By Linda from Vista, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A doctor sees an old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." "I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!" "Too late!", the old man cackled, "I'm doing just fine with MY interpretation. YOU can try yours!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A lady was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called for a ride every time it broke down. One day the lady got yet another one of those calls from her sister and said in disgust, "What happened this time?" "My brakes went out," her sister said. "Can you come to get me?" "Where are you?" the lady asked. Her sister said, "I'm in the drugstore." The lady asked, "And where's the car?" "It's in here with me."
Susan's 5 year old daughter Kim somehow had sensed that the new pastor seemed to be very fond of Susan and tried to do some inquisitive prying. She asked her mother why she didn't have a boyfriend. Susan was just recovering from some minor surgery and spent most of the day in bed. She told Kim the TV was her boyfriend, he entertained her all the time. The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. Susan usually just gave it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, it was no big deal to her. Then the pastor stopped by to check on her recovery and Kim answered the door. At that time Susan was again trying to get the TV to come back on. The pastor, on hearing the noise, asked Kim if Susan was busy. Kim replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
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From Facebook to Jail 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, December 26
Happy St Walmarts Day!
Actually, that apparently is changing. Walmart is no longer 
reducing prices for a giant Boxing Day sale. Nobody has
any money left anyway. 

Personally, I have never stood in line, waiting out in the 
cold, to get in early on Boxing day, or gone into a Walmart
on Boxing Day. Seeing the full parking lot from the distance
was enough to turn me away. 

Traditions are changing. I wonder if any other stores will
pick up the slack, or if the mad Boxing Day Sales will just
fade into memory like the smell of real candles on real trees.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. --- Franklin P. Adams After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood. --- Fred Thompson
A few years ago I met Fran and Jane at one of the benches for smokers outside Dallas/Fort Worth airport. They were quite obviously nervous about their flight and had bought some flight insurance at the terminal. They told me that they couldn't make up their minds about who to name as beneficiaries, so they had ended up each naming the other. I was quite amused when I saw them both get up at the same time to board the same plane.
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Get the Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes!
Don't worry about messing up on those great chocolate recipes and gaining a pound. You won't because of THOSE! They are fool-proof. However, since you are likely to gain a few pounds between now and the time you make your new Year's resolutions, just because of the unhealthy stuff other people foist upon you, I will bring back the Guilt-Free Cooking link on New Year's Day, and keep it up there for a week. These books make great last minute or LATE Christmas presents! In case you REALLY cram on the pounds, or meet somebody, whom you want to impress, I still got access to the Fat Burning Furnace method, and will bring that link back on Jan 1 as well. So, enjoy the holidays and don't worry!
Count the "F"s in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. The answer is near the end.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Isaiah Cutler, 18, and friends Teens post pictures of loot on Facebook PITTSBURGH -- Police say four young friends posed for the camera, holding fistfuls of cash, candy and cigarettes they allegedly stole from a Pittsburgh market. Then they posted the photos on Facebook. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports Thursday that police have charged two 14-year-olds and a 17-year-old in the theft and are looking for 18-year-old Isaiah Cutler, the owner of the Facebook page. The teens allegedly stole more than $9,000 from a market on Dec. 12, and posted pictures of the haul on Facebook that same day. The paper reports that a grandmother of one teen grew concerned and contacted police, who solved the case with the help of the Facebook pictures.
Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Get rid of Caps Lock Dear Webby, Is there a way to permanently disable the Caps Lock key ? I never use it anyway and now, after breaking my pinky and having it taped to the ring finger for support, it's an even worse nuisance. And NO, id don't want some silly sound reminding me I hit the Caps Lock. I want it disabled. For good! Thanks Darlene Dear Darlene Just take a spoon and pry off the key cap for the Caps Lock, and throw it away. Or you can glue it onto your boss'es fax machine. Personally, I like epoxying them onto the big coin operated copy machine at Walmart. There IS a longwinded way to accomplish the same with some software tweaking, but that is nowhere near as much fun. Have FUN! DearWebby
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If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Different Ways to Hang Dry Your Clothing Baking Soda for Exfoliating Mask The other day I was using baking soda for any of the million jobs that it does around the house, and I noticed this: if you mix three parts baking soda and one part water (I used 1 tsp. of it with just enough water to make it into a paste), you can use it as an exfoliating mask! Just use it after you've washed your face, and then rinse. It also suggests using it once a week for "fuller, more manageable hair" by mixing one teaspoon to your shampoo once a week. Source: armhammer.com http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Donny, a policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that over looked a golf course. He drove by and saw a couple inside a car with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Officer Donny had to stop to investigate. After all that was different !! He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. "Hey What are you doing and what is your name?" The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "My name is Alex and this is my girlfriend in the back seat." "OK, so what are you doing?" Officer Donny asked. "I'm reading a magazine," answered Alex. Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, Officer Donny asked, "And what is she doing?" Alex looked over his shoulder and replied, "She's knitting, sir." "And how old are you?" Officer Donny then asked Alex. "I'm 20," Alex replied. "And how old is she?" asked the Officer Donny. Alex looked at his watch and said, "Well sir, in about 12 minutes she'll be 18."
How many "F"s ? If your answer is 3, then I know, who you voted for! 5 is close. Don't worry about occasional thinking. Contrary to popular opiion,it does not hurt. Don't forget to count the thre "OF"s. 6 is correct.
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How to get rid of Caps Lock permanently 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, December 25

Merry Christmas,   !

Tonight we walked up to that church in yesterday's picture 
to the graveyard up there and lit candles on the grave of my mother
and brother and grandparents.


Most of the graves there had candles lit in bird house size 
glass enclosures. 

The street lights in the villages up on the side of the 
valley looked like the lights of towns on satellite pictures.
It felt strange, that I was considering those satellite
pictures, when I was thinking about how I was going to
describe that sight to you.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win." --- Elie Wiesel
A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's advice about returning the gifts he'd given her. Without hesitating, her Mother replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry, for sentimental reasons."
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Get the Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes!
Don't worry about messing up on those great chocolate recipes and gaining a pound. You won't because of THOSE! They are fool-proof. However, since you are likely to gain a few pounds between now and the time you make your new Year's resolutions, just because of the unhealthy stuff other people foist upon you, I will bring back the Guilt-Free Cooking link on New Year's Day, and keep it up there for a week. These books make great last minute Christmas presents! In case you REALLY cram on the pounds, or meet somebody, whom you want to impress, I still got access to the Fat Burning Furnace method, and will bring that link back on Jan 1 as well. So, enjoy the holidays and don't worry!
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; whle his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Frank Slowik, 44, Suspected shoplifter beaten after grabbing police officer’s groin Police commanders say that a Park Ridge police officer acted within reason when he beat the crap out of a suspect, who grabbed his groin and refused to let go. Officers were called to the store at 3:20 a.m. for a report of a shoplifter and encountered a man, later identified as Frank Slowik, 44, running from a store employee. Park Ridge Police Lt. Duane Mellema said that one of the police officers ran after Slowik, grabbed him and wrestled him to the ground. As the officers tried to restrain him, Slowik grabbed a second officer’s groin and refused to let go. The officer then struck him several times in the face with his hand in an effort to get him to release his grip. Slowik eventually let go, and was arrested and taken to Resurrection Medical Center in Chicago for treatment. A booking photo from the Cook County Jail shows bruises under both of his eyes and on the right side of his face. Park Ridge Police Cmdr. David Keller said the department investigates whenever an officer uses force against a suspect. Keller said he believes the force used during Slowik’s arrest was acceptable and necessary. “The force, under the circumstances, was reasonable in order to carry out the arrest,” he said. The officer was treated for severely bruised knuckles at Advocate Lutheran General Hospital in Park Ridge and later released. Investigators searching Slowik’s vehicle found about $1,000 worth of stolen seafood and meat, police said. Slowik has been charged with retail theft, aggravated battery to a police officer and resisting arrest. Mellema said Slowik has a history of arrests for retail theft. He is being held in the jail in lieu of $50,000 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Get rid of Caps Lock Dear Webby, Is there a way to permanently disable the Caps Lock key ? I never use it anyway and now, after breaking my pinky and having it taped to the ring finger for support, it's an even worse nuisance. And NO, id don't want some silly sound reminding me I hit the Caps Lock. I want it disabled. For good! Thanks Darlene Dear Darlene Just take a spoon and pry off the key cap for the Caps Lock, and throw it away. Or you can glue it onto your boss'es fax machine. Personally, I like epoxying them onto the big coin operated copy machine at Walmart. There IS a longwinded way to accomplish the same with some software tweaking, but that is nowhere near as much fun. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "What is it for?" one asked. "I don't know," the other replied. "I think it tells you when somebody messed up. When mom when stands on it, she gets more upset than when my sister brings her report card home."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Different Ways to Hang Dry Your Clothing We live in a 2-bedroom, first floor apartment that has an attached garage. Since we can't hang our laundry outside, my husband installed some wash lines in the garage. During the warmer months I'm able to dry my clothes and save money on the electric bill by not having to use the dryer. By MCW from Lewiston, NY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Customer: "I'd like an under the mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety, $1.95 each.." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" Salesperson: "Hmmm, have you got one of those new Intels ?" Customer: "I think so, it's a 19" !" Salesperson: "Then you better get one of these $29.95 mousepads" Customer: "But, will it work on a Mac ?" Salesperson: "Well,...iin that case, to be on the safe side, maybe you should get one of these blue ones for $49.95."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet." The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" "Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. People were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I dunno. I was watching wrestling instead of the weather channel."
Thanks to Irene for this story: My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Velly beautiful," he said politely. "Real Ivoly!"
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