Dear Webby, how to align pictures in email? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 9, 2008

A veteran - whether active duty, retired, national guard or reserve - is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ' The United States of America', for an amount of 'up to and including his life.' That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.
Thanks to Martin for this quiz: In case you don't ace it, the answer is near the end.

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A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "That would be 4, I think." "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right. Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming..., "Come on coach, give him another chance!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chris Foster of Dorset, UK Low Key February 7, 2008 - Dorset, UK - Ananova A drunk student swallowed his room key so his friends couldn't take him home and put him to bed. When Chris Foster woke up, after sleeping on a friend's sofa, he had no recollection of the incident. After telling doctors what may have happened, the computer design student underwent an x-ray and was stunned to see the two-inch Yale key lying in the pit of his stomach. Medics told him to let nature take its course - and the key emerged 31 hours later. Chris cleaned it up and put it back on his keyring. Chris said: "I slept on a friend's sofa that night and I couldn't find it anywhere the next day. I thought it was a bit of a wind up when my friend said that I had swallowed it. "But my throat started to feel very sore and my stomach didn't feel right so my friend took me to hospital on the bus. "I was stunned when I first saw the key in my stomach but then couldn't stop laughing - even the doctors were sniggering." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2716175.html?menu=
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: Pictures in email Dear Webby two questions.how can you enlarge a picture that is on an email you are sending, and why won't my stamp stay on the right side of the email ? as soon as i touch a key,it slides to the left side. thanks again, daniel, Dear Daniel You can't enlarge pictures in email after you have pasted them. You have to make them larger before you paste them. To make a picture stay on the right side, with Eudora you highlight the picture, then click on the Right-Align button. DearWebby
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Deeli's Kudos WEYMOUTH, Mass. A 27-year-old man who fell through the ice while walking home in the dark survived the frigid plunge thanks to a neighbor who skidded across the pond in a canoe. Rescuers and neighbors could hear Jason Dubois' cries for help but could not initially see him in the dark at 2 a.m. Sunday as he was treading water in Whitman's Pond in Weymouth. ''It was very disturbing. He was saying, 'I'm going down. Don't let me die.' It was really scary,'' neighbor John Volta said. ''I just grabbed the canoe and went off like on a skateboard out to him and then the ice started to crack, so I just pushed it as far as I could and then the fireman came up beside me.'' Volta was treated for hypothermia and released from a local hospital. Authorities say they were lucky to have the canoe to help the rescue. A fire station a half-mile from the pond has an ice boat, but the station was closed because of budget constraints. http://www.happynews.com/news/1282008/m ... d-pond.htm ----------------------- A canoe is actually a bad idea, it's keel ridge puts all the weight onto a very small area. The best ice rescue tool, aside from the safety ropes, is an air mattress with a thin sheet of plywood on top. A twin size air mattress distributes the weight so well, that half an inch of ice is plenty to carry me and another person quite safely. DearWebby

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Caulking and Stain Patch any caulking that is missing or damaged around your house or chimney. If you have a wood fence, deck or outdoor furniture you should inspect it in the spring to see if you are going to need to re-stain it. Staining your outdoor furniture and fencing will dramatically increase their lifetime. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Salt Industry
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Vista problem 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  February 8, 2008
Wear sometghing red to show your support for the troops!


A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on. --- William S. Burroughs Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes. --- Aaron McGruder
Message to JR: The sniveling ninnies at cableone.net messed up your subscription, again. Time to get a decent email provider like gmail. There is never any complaint from the many Thousands of subscribers who use gmail, because it is more reliable than their ISP. Good luck! DearWebby
Thanks to Ross for this story: An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'

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Someone said this to me today, and I about laffed myself silly. Maybe you can clean it up a tad and use it. Jai...>^.^<... "Opinions are like asses. Everybody has one, And nobody thinks their's stinks." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nationwide Collection Agency Expensive Collection February 1, 2008 - Buffalo, New York - AP A collection agency tried to collect a $16.96 debt with a letter that addressed its recipient with a four-letter word for excrement. "Dear S---," began the letter attempting to collect from an old record club membership. The word was spelled out in the letter, which arrived in an envelope addressed to "S--- Face." "I've never seen anything quite so brazen," said attorney Kenneth Hiller. Under U.S. law, debt collectors are not allowed to use profanity to collect a debt, Hiller said, nor are they supposed to threaten legal action over such a small amount. Nationwide President Phillip McGarvey said the October 2007 letter was automatically generated . "S--- Face" is the name under which the account was opened and the way the coupon to start the club was filled out, he said. Hiller's client has signed an affidavit saying he never signed up for the music club membership under that name. http://www.wral.com/news/strange/story/2386078/
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Klaus Re: Vista Problem Dear Webby As per usual when I have a problem I turn to you for your always great advice. I ran Spybot yesterday and it came up with a the following problem 'Microsoft Windows Security Center. Task Manager'. Spybot has never identified this problem before. Spybot could not get rid of it and I am wondering if that is part of Microsoft Vista or if in fact I need to get rid of it. If so, how? Thanks Klaus Dear Klaus We don't allow Vista onto or near any Webby machine, and I still recommend getting rid of Vista and using XP. If you insist on using Vista anyway, you are on your own. Good Luck! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Recently, a young woman came into my father's insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem. This is Benjamin and that one is Elizabeth."

Deeli's Kudos February 6, 2008 - Pella, Iowa - ABC News It was a script from "The Millinaire" come to life for a couple named Alissa and Barry as they ate last Thursday at Dr. Salami's Cafe in Pella, Iowa. "He basically just came into the restaurant and started talking to us," Barry said. "He was most interested in whether we had any children." After they replied that Alissa did indeed have a 2-year-old child, the man slid a check across the table and asked the couple to fill out the check with any amount they wished. The two assumed he was joking and made the check out for $100,000. The benefactor signed the check and said, "I'm good for it," Alissa said. The next day Alissa and Barry were unsure of what they were going to do with the check. "We're either going to throw it away or try it. Let's give it a whirl," Barry said." So they endorsed it and, to their stunned delight, the check actually cleared and they received the gift of a lifetime. There were conditions on their enjoying the money. They were not to reveal their last names or to identify the source of the money. They were to use the cash to buy or build a house. And if they have a child together, they must name the child after the benefactor. The man told them that he regretted that he had never had grandchildren, which was why he asked them to name their next child after him, Alissa and Barry said. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4237663

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Since I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?" The driver had put, "Full gallop."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flip The Script For Valentine's Day For guys (or gals) who don't cook a lot, take it upon yourself to cook a Valentine's dinner for your significant other. Try cooking your partner's favorite dish. Even if the meal turns out less than perfect, the thoughtfulness and effort will be appreciated. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Only six more days until GUILT DAY ! If you forget Valentines Day, you will be shown the meaning of guilt! Don't feel mushy and romantic? Don't worry ! Go to http://hicards.com and send, or PRE-send a funny cuPIG card. You can PRE-send cards now, while you remember, to arrive on Guilt Day. By the way, if you DO feel mushy, you can send traditional, cute and mushy Valentines cards from Hicards too.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Guppies Galore
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Can't delete hotmails 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  February 6, 2008

Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records. --- William Arthur Ward
Thanks to Wendy for sending this story: A Taxi driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The taxi driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?' 'Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and Ted Kennedy. They are asking for a $1 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.' The cabbie asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?' 'Oh, about a gallon.'

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Thanks to Roland for this story: Sitting through fire safety and prevention programs can make anyone nod off. So the instructor tried to lighten the mood by going around the room asking where all the guests were from. "Burnt Mattress, Arkansas," called out the friend sitting next to me. "Burnt Mattress!" said the instructor, suppressing a laugh. "I've heard some unusual town names before, but never that one. Where's it located?" My friend shot back, "Right above Hot Springs." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven Zahorsky, 24, in Stamford, Connecticut Expensive ad! February 1, 2008 - Stamford, Connecticut - AP If you're looking to sell high-grade marijuana, Craigslist may not be the place to do it. A man learned that the hard way when the "buyer" who contacted him turned out to be an undercover officer, Stamford police said. Police said Steven Zahorsky, 24, posted an ad for "Mary Jane in Fairfield County." The ad offered a half-ounce of "A plus" marijuana for $220 and the same amount of "B plus" marijuana for $160. Stamford Lt. Jon Fontneau said officers spotted the ad and responded, claiming to be a painting crew interested in buying drugs during a work break. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22958359/
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Can't delete hotmail mails Dear Webby; I have a hotmail account well I have two of them, one is working fine, but the second one is not. In that I delete messages from my inbox but then they reappear the next time I open up the inbox, consequently I have 400 some messages in this particular hotmail account. Microsoft has not been much help, to say the least. Thanks Mike Dear Mike Maybe it's time to leave ho'mail to the kids, and graduate to gmail. You knew that sooner or later you would get fed up enough to finally graduate, so you might as well do it now. I will send you a referral. It is totally free. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: My friend, Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to referee an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign that read: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only!" As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message, written in Braille.

Deeli's Kudos January 31, 2008 - Tokyo, Japan - AFP A bottled card released in the sea by children has been returned nearly three decades later. Inside, was found a card sent in 1979 from middle-school students some 1,200 kilometres away in western Japan as part of a class science project. It arrived on Tuesday at the school in Tottori, where the current class of students aged 13-15 were half the age of the card. Students of the school released 5,500 bottles into the Tsushima Straits between western Japan and the Korean Peninsula over a period of 11 years from the early 1970s to study sea currents and Japan's relations with the rest of Asia. Toshio Enjo, a 75-year-old former school teacher who led the project, said the return of the card was "unbelievable." He said the school got 760 replies from the bottles with the last one coming some 20 years ago. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080131/o ... on_offbeat

Thanks to oredwine for bringing back this classic: Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it. Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then, unfortunately, Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history......................

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fish Buying Tips Fish meat should be firm, not soft or mushy. Fish eyes should be shiny and protrude from the fish. If they are dull or sunken, the fish should be avoided. The fish should smell fresh and not overly fishy or musty. The skin should have a nice sheen and the scales should not be coming off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Keli and Greg were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," said Greg in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." Keli agreed and, like the dear she is, insisted Greg go first. "I'm wrong," Greg said. With a twinkle in her eye, Keli responded, "You're right!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Happy new year for China!
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Opera is now free, but can't handle RoboForm yet 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  February 6, 2008

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Thanks to Roland for this report: I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. "It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search." "Okay," I said. "I'll take one." He rummaged under his counter, then went to ask some other clerks, who did the same -- only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms."

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Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Time Warner Cable Dumb Customer Relations move February 1, 2008 - Wheatland, Wisconsin - AP Having a tornado demolish her home was bad enough. But weeks later when Ann Beam received a $2,000 cable bill for destroyed equipment, she was floored. Time Warner Cable billed a number of Wheatland residents for equipment damaged in the Jan. 7 twister. Beam's bill covered five cable boxes and five remote controls. She immediately called the cable company. "They said I would have to take the bill and turn it in to my insurance company." But her cable equipment was nine years old and the insurance company would pay only a depreciated value. Beam's case was a misunderstanding, Time Warner Cable spokeswoman Celeste Flynn said. Some customers were charged for unreturned equipment but only because they cancelled or transferred their service without mentioning the tornado, she said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0802 ... ll_tornado
Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: This red passion bloomed this evening.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Many Re: Opera is free Dear Webby; Opera is now free and without ads! Thanks to all who wrote! Yes Opera is now indeed free and without ads. I downloaded the newest version today. Opera doesn't work yet with RoboForm, but seems fine for mild and casual browsing. For serious browsing or work, where RoboForm plays an important role, Opera and WebTV are not quite ready yet. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action. When I arrived, I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis. When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he said.

Deeli's Kudos February 5, 2008 - Kansas City, Missouri - UPI An 80-year-old Kansas City, Mo., woman lost her purse in a scuffle with an 18-year-old man, but was able to grab the thief's gun, authorities said. The woman grabbed the shotgun after the attacker dropped it during the fight. She threatened to shoot, but she did not follow through on the threat and the thief got away with the purse. A witness directed police to a nearby apartment building, where officers were able to follow a trail of footprints in the snow to an apartment where they found suspect Dandre Bell. Officers said Bell was carrying the victim's checks in his pocket, and the missing purse was found on the apartment landing. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-296476-492455

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Working With Glitter If you are working with glitter or other small material for crafts, be sure to put down a piece of newspaper before you start working. Then when you are done, you can form the newspaper into a funnel and pour the extra back into the glitter container. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Laura was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc. And Laura wondered if she was going to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Laura, you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in "And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin." "Don't bother with the aspirin," Laura replied. "It's obvious with these many kids that I've never had a headache."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Connie and quite a few others for today's Bonus Link: Super Bowl Ads and spoofs
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Dear Webby: MSIE crashes at Google, anti-Google bug ? 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  February 5, 2008

Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage the morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged. --Abraham Lincoln
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!! I wish I'd thought of this. Cookie At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three year old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said "I want to see how you drink like a fish."

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Thanks to Marg for this report: For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile. 5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. As for the use of catnip as a reward or an enticement, that is being hotly debated. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk driver in Minnesota Maximizing jail time January 31, 2008 - Wilton, Minnesota - AP Chase Torgerson and Cody Charpentier were driving along a highway near Wilton when they saw a car fly through the air and crash into a median. They jumped out to help only to turn around moments later and see one of the passengers from the crashed car hop into Torgerson's vehicle and peel away. And, to make matters worse, the car thief rolled Torgerson's car, totalling it, just about 800 yards down the road on Highway 2. Torgerson, who has had National Guard training, began tending to an injured passenger who was dangling out of two blown-out windows. He even put his own gloves on the victim and, with wind chills at minus-34 degrees, he used his bare hand to call 911 with his cell phone. Once Torgerson's car was totaled, the car thief ran away. Authorities used a police dog to find the driver, who was hiding under a semitrailer truck. Wittenberg said all three people in the first vehicle were "heavily intoxicated." http://wcco.com/watercooler/car.crash.v ... 42760.html
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSIE crashing at Google Dear Webby; Again as usual you had some funny jokes today. I also liked the tech suggestion. I saved it as sometimes I too get the wrong address show up in the auto fill. I have a question about Internet Explorer 6. I have a gmail address. When I get in to to read my mail I get an error box that tells me internet explorer has encountered a problem & must close. This does not happen when I'm in hotmail nor in yahoo mail programs. I do not know who to contact about this as I have had a hard time trying to contact gmail & get answers from them. Do you have any suggestions about this? Thanks for your help. Sharon Dear Sharon I found this: "This is a known bug in handling JavaScript that Microsoft introduced in several IE6 security updates, while trying to fix a different JavaScript handling bug. See bug report KB940072. Bug is actually triggered by the JScript usage of the web page that precedes the page where the crash occurs. A hotfix is available. IE7 has a similar startup crash problem but caused by a different .dll. Even though some people call it the "anti-Google bug", it's not. MSIE crashes at other pages too." Sharon, I have mine on automatic update with IE7 locked out, and it seems to have gotten updated in time and I never experienced any of those browser crashes. You can also use other browsers for those sites that the Microsoft browser can't handle. FireFox is quite good, Opera is excellent, but not free, Maxthon, the Chinese MSIE clone, has some MSIE bugs fixed, but not all. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk ." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers. He got an A for it.

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Medford, Wisconsin - AP A Wisconsin man says his trusty pickup is on the verge of making history. Frank Oresnik says his 1991 Chevy Silverado is about to pass the one million mile mark. He says the truck is 1,200 miles (1,930 kilometres) from a million. He plans to retire the vehicle once it hits the milestone. Oresnik credits proper maintenance and luck for allowing the truck to roll up so many miles. He bought the Silverado in June 1996 after the original owner put 41,000 miles ( 66,000 kilometres) on it. General Motors and Shell are said to be interested in examining the engine. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0802 ... mile_truck

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it. She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her, so he calls the bartender over and says, "Take that woman a drink on me." The bartender says, "It won't work." "What do you mean, it won't work?" "That woman," says the barkeep, "is hard-hearted and hostile. You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!" "Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?" "Spanish fly? No," says the bartender, "I've got Jewish Fly." "So, what the hell is Jewish fly?" "I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?" "Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets, on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back and drops the stuff in the woman's drink. Nothing happens for a long time, but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his, and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear, and she's saying "I can't stand it anymore! .......You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get More Life Out of Sandpaper Just because a sandpaper has become flat doesn't necessarily mean it's worn out. The sandpaper may just be clogged with sawdust. Try removing the sawdust with a soft bristled brush. A suede brush made with brass wire or brass plated steel wire works very well for reviving sand paper, even if it is clogged with not completely dry glue or paint. The wire is harder than the glue, but softer than the grit. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctors would watch this guy do this day after day. One doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Organic Food Companies
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Dear Webby, how do I hide recipient addresses? 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  February 4, 2008

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. --- Benjamin Disraeli,
Thanks to Dianne for this wise advice: Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married... The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos— MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem annoyed in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, farted and tripped over the coffee table.
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the woods. The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said nothing. His opponent looked at him for a moment and then remarked, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."

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Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve? A: Until he gets caught. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Westboro Perverts Gross Insanity Now that the Westboro Perverts can't protest at hero's funerals any more, because they would get arrested, IF they make it through the shield of the Patriot Riders, they are going to Berkeley and protest the Marine recruiting office. The Westboro perverts are going to protest because the Marines were forced by the ACLU and the Senate to stop openly discriminating against homosexuals, AND they are going to protest against the Pinkos, because those are protesting that the Marines don't welcome homosexuals. "WBC will picket the Marine recruiting office & Code Pink. WBC will picket the downtown Marine recruiting office in Berkeley - at noon, Mon., Feb. 11 - in religious protest and warning." DUH! I think the gene pool needs more chlorine.
Thanks to my dad for these pictures: They are from his kitchen in Austria to a mountain in Switzerland with the window of the mountaintop restaurant reflecting the sun. The distance is about 30 miles. The precise angles necessary for that window to reflect into his kitchen happens once a year for about a minute. As you can see from the slight window reflection of another window in the upper left corner, he didn't waste half a minute to run outside, but shot the picture right through the kitchen window. And with full zoom:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jeanne Re: Hiding recipient addresses Dear Webby, My question is how do you forward a list of information or jokes to list of friends without it showing up on the To: or Cc: I want it to go out without them seeing who I sent it to. Thanks, Jeanne, From London Dear Jeanne Look for the BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) The BCC addresses don't show to other recipients. Make sure you put your own address into the TO, otherwise your mail will look like spam and be filtered out by a lot of mail services. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Maryland Heights, Missouri - AP It looks like a couple of suburban St. Louis purse snatchers picked the wrong women to attack. The victims fought back - with a snow shovel. Police in Maryland Heights released details of the incident outside a Schnucks grocery store. The women were unloading groceries when the thieves tried to steal two purses from their cart. One of the women grabbed a shovel from the suspects' pickup and smacked one of the men upside the head. The other woman jumped into the cab and beat up the other suspect, then grabbed the keys so he couldn't drive away. Police tracked the men to a hotel. The man struck with the shovel required staples to close the gash in his head. Both are jailed and charged with robbery. http://www.examiner.com/a1196240~Women_ ... ss-Strange

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Give A Live Plant Instead Of A Bouquet Instead of a flower bouquet that will be wilted and in the trash in a week or two, consider buying a plant. It could be a houseplant or something to plant in the yard in the spring. You can enclose a card saying, "Watch our love grow!" And if the plant dies, you can razz them all year long! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little Red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says, "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a firefighter, and this is my fire truck!" The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. "Thanks, mister," says the little girl. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Organic Food Companies
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
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Dear Webby, how do I delete bad Auto-Complete choices? 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  February 3, 2008

"As I look around me, a bright sky I see, and a shadow beside me. Six more weeks of winter it will be!" --- On Gobbler's Knob on Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2008 Punxsutawney Phil, the Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators
Then there was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child. The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there, just like clockwork. In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff wondered what happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not pregnant. The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what? When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more. Found out what was causin' it."
From Vince: When my wife says, "Do you know what we need to do?" it's a pretty safe bet, that she doesn't really mean "we."

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Thanks to Elsie for this one: While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man just sat there, alone and quiet. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Romainan and a sex shop in Brasov, Transylvania Not shy about it February 1, 2008 - Brasov, Transylvania - Ananova Consumer protection officials in Romania have upheld a complaint from a man who said his inflatable doll had lost its moan. A sex shop in Brasov, Transylvania, was fined £600 and ordered to provide the man, said to be in his 40s, with a new doll. The man had also complained that the rubber doll deflated too quickly, according to local media. Iulian Mara, head of the local Consumer Protection Office, said: "No matter how strange it sounded to us, we went to the sex-shop from where the man bought the object of complaint and found out he was justified. "The doll was losing air very quickly and due to a faulty electrical circuit it didn't make the expected specific sounds." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2707837.html?menu=
Thanks to Ross for sending this story and picture: Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight. Mother: Where are ya'll going? Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town. Mother: I'm don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt. Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay. Mother: No, your life is more important than going out. Daughter: But Tiny is going with us... Mother: Well, in that case, it should be okay. Ya'll have fun!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Deleting bad Auto-Complete choices Dear Webby, How do I get rid of all the incorrect addresses in the auto fill (I know it's my fault -but I can't find a way to delete them) Bob Dear Bob For that you need a trick that goes back to the days before the mouse. Use the arrow keys to highlight a bad address, and hit the delete key. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Sherry the secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you" "Sherry honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile....."

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Clearwater, Florida - St. Petersburg Times A 92-year-old blind golfer has hit a hole-in-one in Florida. Leo Fiyalko was playing a 110-yard, par-3 hole in Clearwater. "It was my first hole-in-one, and I never saw it," he said. "I was just trying to put the ball on the green." Mr. Fiyalko once played to a seven handicap but he began suffering macular degeneration 10 years ago. He is now legally blind and needs help lining up his shots and finding his golf balls. When told of his achievement, he reportedly said only: "How about that." His friends in the Twilighters Club golf group presented him with a plaque to commemorate the feat. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2709037.html?menu=

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. The head nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" The head nurse said, "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" The patient said, "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 2empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Snowflake Heart Valentine Make snowflake hearts, just as you would make paper snowflakes but in the shape of hearts. Cut out a large heart, fold it a few times, then take a pair of scissors and cut different shaped wedges around the edges. Paste it to to some colored card stock and write a message for your loved one. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," she was told. "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger without telling anybody?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Groundhog's Prediction
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Dear Webby: sbcglobal mail problems 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  February 2, 2008

The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil but because of those who look on and do nothing. --- Albert Einstein
Thanks to Roland for this classic: Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few weeks, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 BILLION dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
TRANSLATION OF VACATION TERMS When choosing a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising terminology and their meanings . . . Tropical . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rainy. Old world charm . . . . . . . . No bath. Open bar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Free ice cubes Pre registered rooms . . . . .Both already occupied. Majestic setting . . . . . . . . . A long way from town. Secluded hideaway . . . . . . Impossible to find except by cab Options galore . . . . . . . . . . Nothing on the itinerary is included. Knowledgeable trip hosts . .They've been on a greyhound once Gentle breezes . . . . . . . . . OccasionalGale force winds. Plush . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Top and bottom sheets. Light and airy . . . . . . . . . . No air conditioning. Picturesque . . . . . . . . . . . Cutie on the billboard across the street Nominal fee . . . . . . . . . . . . Outrageous charge. Explore on your own . . . . . Pay for it yourself. No extra fees . . . . . . . . . . . No extras. Standard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sub-standard. Deluxe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Standard. Superior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One free shower cap. All the amenities . . . . . . . . Shower cap and soap. Internet access . . . . . . . . You need your own dial-up account Only 25 cents per call . . . We knock you off-line every 5 minutes

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The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Berkley, California town council Pinko Hyppocrites February 1, 2008 - Berkeley, California - Contra Costa Times Thanks to David for this submission Hey-hey, ho-ho, the Marines in Berkeley have got to go. That's the message from the Berkeley City Council, which voted 8-1 Jan. 29 to tell the Marines that its Shattuck Avenue recruiting station "is not welcome in the city, and if recruiters choose to stay, they do so as uninvited and unwelcome intruders." In addition, the council voted to explore enforcing its law prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation against the Marines, and officially encouraged the fanatical left wing Pro-Castro / Anti Bush feminist group Code Pink to impede the work of the Marines in the city by protesting in front of the station. In a separate council item, the council voted 8-1 to give Code Pink a designated parking space in front of the recruiting station once a week for six months and a free sound permit for protesting once a week from noon to 4 p.m. For about the past four months, Code Pink has been protesting in front of the station. Sound Off...What do you think? Join the discussion: http://forums.military.com/eve/forums/a ... 61001/p/21 http://www.military.com/NewsContent/0,1 ... 14,00.html ------------------------------- Code pink was founded by pro-Castro and pro-Chavez radical Medea Benjamin, and works closely with Cindy Sheehan and Jodie Evans. Code Pink receives financial support from the Tides Foundation, the Streisand Foundation, and the New Priorities Foundation. For much of 2005, Code Pink for Peace staged weekly noisy protests outside of Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where many U.S. soldiers wounded in combat are treated. If you want to read up about Code Pink: About Code Pink http://snipurl.com/1ysvr
Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture: Thanks to Deeli for this: How the stock market works Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Some even got loans from a new bank in order to buy monkeys at $35 ! Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys and bankers everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosalie Re: sbcglobal problems Dear Webby, I have been signed up to your web site for a long time and yet I only get your e-mails maybe once a month or every other month. I also signed up to Webby's site and never get anything, although I use to receive it everyday. Don't' know what the problem is but I sure do miss your's and Webby's everyday musings. Rosalie ******@sbcglobal.net Dear Rosalie With Yahoo's sbcglobal you have to expect that. It is not something you did or didn't do. All Yahoos have that problem. Just get yourself a free gmail address for important stuff. If you want a referral, let me know and I will generate one for you. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Brigit for this report: In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks." One time when when we were whispering in the head (bathroom) while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us. To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"

Deeli's Kudos February 1, 2008 - Plympton, Devon, UK - Ananova A nine-year-old boy steered his mother's car to safety across three lanes of traffic when she blacked out at 70mph. Jonathan Anderson grabbed the steering wheel as the car lost control and hit the central barrier of the A38 in Plympton, Devon. Emergency services praised Jonathan for averting a much more serious accident and said he would receive a special bravery certificate. His mother, Marion Anderson, 34, who runs a curtain-making business, said: "He is my little superhero. The last thing I remember is driving over the flyover to take Jonathan to school. Jonathan said: "Mummy passed out so I held the steering wheel, pulled the handbrake and put the hazard lights on. The car stopped and the windscreen was smashed. It was scary because I have never driven a car before." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2707244.html?menu=

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon. He asked, "How do you know what to say, dad?" His father said, "Why, God tells me, son." The boy was silent for a moment, then said, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Old Mail Box As A Train Tunnel If you know a toy train enthusiast (or are one yourself) you can use an old metal mailbox to create a tunnel for your train. Just remove the door and back of the mailbox and let your toy train travel through it. An old, worn out door mat or throw rug works fine too. Build the track first. It can be curved and even exit on the same side higher up, like the spiral tunnel at Kicking Horse Pass http://www.acs.ucalgary.ca/~keay/sprial.html Use a 2" vaccum cleaner hose or similar spacer on the track, drape the throw rug over it and sprinkle it with cement and water. You don't need a lot, it just has to be stiff enough, that it doesn't collapse when you pull the hose out a day later. You can, of course also use boxes or pieces of wood as spacers and create a realistic looking mountain. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had twins!" The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Yellowstone National park
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Dear ebby, is tehre a central privacy agency? 



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Good Morning, ! Friday, February 1, 2008 Wear something red to show your support for the troops!
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. --- Mark Twain The American media reports the news under the privilege granted to them under the First Amendment. While that entails a moral responsibility to report without a leftist slant, that would require more integrity and competence than what we observe with the current crop. --- Socratex
Thanks to Jai for this story: A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom! I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says, "I don't know--let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here-- give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count, "one, and two, and three," and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask--we were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said, "Why that's impossible! I had him tied to a transmission!"

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I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free french fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. The fat is free!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shannell Monique Mosley, Houston, Texas A bit too klutzy! January 9, 2008 - Houston, Texas - UPI A Texas woman allegedly left her eight children alone while she went to Africa to marry a man she had met online and now faces criminal charges when she returns. Investigators with Harris County Child Protective Services in Houston say a 15-year-old girl was forced into the role of parent for her seven brothers and sisters, as well as for a neighbor's two children. The teenager, overwhelmed by her responsibilities, eventually reported the situation to authorities. Investigators found the children in a roach-infested house scattered with debris. They are now in protective custody. Authorities said the mother, Shannell Monique Mosley, had removed all her belongings from the house as if not planning to return. The neighbor, who allegedly left his children in her house although he knew she was gone, is also under investigation. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-285106-580249
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture: What's between those ears apparently is not worth a helmet.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ruby Re: Central Privacy agency Dear Webby, Your site has been helpful on more than one occasion and I am hoping you can help once again! I checked my phone number on Google and it wasn't there. However, several other sites including addresses.com popped up with my phone number and address. How an I block those? Is there a 'generic site' to go to to block these things? My job is such that I DON'T need people knowing my home address!! (no,it's not a naughty type of job!) Thanks for your help! Ruby Dear Ruby As far as I know there is no central privacy assurance company, yet. You will have to contact all of those places individually. Some will cooperate, some will argue that, if the information is published in the phone book, it is public and not private. Might be fun to collect the information and remedies that you find, and put it all onto a web page. I'll gladly give you the space for it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young man in Marine Corps boot camp quickly learned that when the drill Sergeant started to count down from ten, he had better be out of sight when the sergeant reached zero. One day after the young man had cleaned the barracks, the sergeant put him in charge of the supply locker. He then pulled out a piece of paper and said, "Ten." Before the sergeant could say another word, the young man dropped everything and dived out the open window. After a few moments the sarge yelled, "Get back here", I'm just trying to give you the combination to the locker."

Deeli's Kudos January 31, 2008 - London, England - Herald Sun Actor Johnny Depp secretly visited London's Great Ormond St Hospital to donate a million pounds to thank staff for saving his daughter's life. Depp arrived unexpectedly at the renowned children's hospital where eight-year-old Lily-Rose was treated last year when her kidneys failed. Last week he invited five Great Ormond St doctors and nurses to the party for the London premiere of his film Sweeney Todd. And unknown to the public, Depp spent four hours at the hospital telling bedtime stories to patients dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates Of The Caribbean. Last March, Lily-Rose spent nine days at Great Ormond St when E.coli poisoning led to the failure of her kidneys. http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/ ... 74,00.html

Plumber to wife of would-be handyman: "To ensure properly functioning plumbing, keep foreign objects out of your sinks and tubs, flush soap suds away with hot water -- and above all, hide your husband's wrenches."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Softening Butter Microwave butter for 10 seconds to quickly soften it. If the butter is frozen, you may have to repeat this, but be careful not to microwave it for too long, it will quickly become liquid. Use a cheese grater on hard butter which you are adding to a recipe, the grated butter will quickly melt. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: International Home Remedies
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Dear Webby, how to attach files to email? 



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Good Morning, ! Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday! Take care of your body with steadfast fidelity. The soul must see through these eyes alone, and if they are dim, the whole world is clouded. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. --- Wilson Mizner
Hillary had been busy campaigning, and her last stop of the day was at a Senior Citizens Home. After walking in and looking around for a while she approached an elderly woman in a wheel chair. Bending over to be on eye level with her, she asked her "Do you know who I am?" The elderly lady gave her a good looking over, then told her "No I don't. You don't look familiar. Just go to the front desk, they will tell you who you are."
Thanks to georgina for this report: I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our kids to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking. When she poured a small amount for my husband to taste, our six-year-old piped up, "Mom can drink a lot more than that!"

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About a year ago a friend, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kelvin Ethelbert Roberts, 28, of Cherryville, New Jersey A bit too klutzy! January 23, 2008 - Cherryville, New Jersey - AP Thanks to Ross for this submission Authorities said an unsuccessful robber shot himself in the foot. Police said Kelvin Ethelbert Roberts, 28, botched his plans to rob a Cherryville convenience store by accidentally shooting his right foot. According to an arrest warrant, Roberts dropped a .45-caliber handgun in front of Gasland USA on Sunday. The gun hit the ground and went off, a bullet striking Roberts in the foot. Roberts faces several charges that include attempted robbery with a dangerous weapon and possession of a weapon of mass destruction. Police said the handgun had been altered to fire .410 shotgun shells. Authorities said Roberts was in illegal possession of the gun because of his felony cocaine possession conviction in 2002 in Chautauqua County, New York, and was not allowed to possess or carry any gun. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/342790.html
Thanks to Roland for sending this picture: Printed in the Rocky Mountain News, January 30th 2008
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nora Re: Attach files to email Could you explain how to send and attachment's. I have had my computer for 7 year's now and no one to show me how to do it. And sometime's there are thing's I would like to send on and I can't because I don't know how. If you could would you print it out so I can follow it in your column . I have window's xp I catch on really fast but that is one thing I don't even know how to start doing it. Nora Dear Nora I don't really know what email program you use. With Eudora, you simply drag a file from an Explorer or File Save window into the header area of a mail that you are writing, or onto the Eudora shortcut on your desktop. Or if you prefer to do it with just the keyboard, hit CTRL H, and a file browser opens to let you find and select what to attach. Eudora is one of the oldest email programs, and most others copied most or all of Eudora's code, and will therefore work similarly. Considering the ad on your mail, you might have Incredimail, which is sometimes called the funky great-granddaughter of Eudora and has inherited a lot from it. Chances are very good that the same procedure still works. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Rodney for this story: The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help... "You went to college, you should be able to figure this out. If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

Deeli's Kudos January 30, 2008 – Worldwide Web Check out your telephone number by simply typing in your telephone number, including area code, on a Google search. http://www.google.com/ You just might find your name and address and a map to your location. Just like it happened to Deeli today! Current personal PC document information also showed up on this search link which I was able to open those documents from that link :-o Maybe you’ll get lucky and nothing will show up at all. If you do find information, which you don’t want announced to the world or others who have access to your PC, you can request your phone number be removed from the Google site and it will be done within 48 hours. My information was hidden from the general public almost immediately. If personal documents do show on your search, click on ‘hide’. If you choose to go further, you can block Google from divulging your name and address by: Clicking on *Phone book results for* And then click on *Request to have your named removed from this list Deeli

Thanks to Jim for this report: My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told >me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better,....."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No Snow Pants? If you don't want to buy snow pants, just spray an old pair of jeans with water repellent. Wear a pair of long johns underneath to help keep you warm. Plastic bags work as a substitute to snow boots in a pinch Baby Oil works great as an emergency water repellant, especially in the cold, and washes out clean. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Visiting the National Museum of the American Indian in Washington, D.C., my sister and I were admiring a beautiful tribal headdress decorated with eagle feathers. A man came up to us and identified himself as a Native American. "Do you know how warriors got those?" the man asked, pointing to the feathers. "They covered a hole with brush, tied a live rabbit on top of it and hid underneath. When an eagle swooped down for the kill, they would grab its wing or tail." "Fascinating," I said. "You learned that from your tribal elders?" "Actually, no," the man confessed. "I saw it on the Discovery Channel."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Guess the spot
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Dear Webby: File Associations 



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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever. --- Albert Einstein
Thanks to Ross for this story: A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or stupid **** head!"
A doctor sees the old man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm! The next time the old man had an appointment, the doc says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." "I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful..."

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
"Why Men Can't Win" If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Charlena Graham in Augusta, Georgia Should have known better! January 25, 2008 - Augusta, Georgia - UPI A deputy coroner in Georgia has been charged with stealing gift cards from a woman who killed herself on New Year's Eve. Charlena Graham was arrested Wednesday in her office in Richmond County. She was immediately dismissed from her position after being charged with a single count of theft by taking. Graham allegedly appropriated five gift cards with a total value of about $400 from stores that included Target, Macy's and Victoria's Secret, officials said. Because Graham is a public official, the theft is automatically a felony. Sheriff's deputies gave the woman's personal items to Graham, the report said. Family members later reported that gift cards appeared to be missing. Investigators have evidence that includes videotapes of Graham allegedly using the gift cards to buy items for her own use, Sheriff Ronnie Strength reported. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-293029-412858
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: No global warming yet!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barry Re: Powerpoint Association Dear Webby-I frequently get e-mails with PPS attachments. When I try to open them, I get a window that tells me to create an association for the file. I went to Micro soft, and downloaded Power Point viewer, but I still can't open these e-mails. How do I create an association? Thanx for any help you can give me. ~~~Barry Dear Barry Open the file explorer and go to where you stash your PPS files. Highlight one, and right-click it. Select: OPEN WITH Select the PowerPoint Viewer Put a checkmark on "Always use this program for this type of file" Hit Apply and OK. Have FUN! DearWebby
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"Why Men Can't Win" Cont'd If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob. If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful. If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious. If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you are oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Deeli's Kudos January 28, 2008 - Koolunga, Australia - Herald Sun A boy has been hailed a hero after he gave his father mouth-to-mouth and ran 2 miles for help when their car rolled over. Lachlan "Lochie" Nally, 11, saw that dad Matthew's chest wasn't moving after their car rolled in the South Australian north yesterday. The brave boy, who suffered minor injuries, performed CPR on his father then ran barefoot 3km to the Koolunga hotel. He bashed on the door and woke the owner, who called an ambulance. Chief Insp Graham Goodwin said it was "one of the most heroic acts I've seen". "As you can imagine he's been in a very serious collision so that's distressing in itself," he said. He said Lochie's bravery should be recognised. Mr Nally, 36, is in a serious condition in an Adelaide hospital. http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/ ... 61,00.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Paint From Hands Try rubbing baby oil or Vaseline on your hands to loosen paint stains. Keep paint from lodging under your fingernails by rubbing them over a bar of soap before painting. Prevent paint from getting on your hands altogether by wearing rubber gloves when you paint. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "That would be no fun. I asked Him to make you not notice it."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hard Shell Cats & Mice
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Dear Webby: Windows can't open attachments 



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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Every calling is great when greatly pursued. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --- Robert Orben
Thanks to Cookie for this story: Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story. A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store. Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get. One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch. His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know." He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again. Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business. He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long." "That's right." "You went off the porch again, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there." "Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!"

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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only service the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I was playing with your boobs twice a day for half an hour, but you got laid only once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award goes to James and Jon Herbert in Charlotte, North Carolina Should have known better! January 27, 2008 - Charlotte, North Carolina - UPI National Hot Rod Association drag racer Doug Herbert's two sons were killed in a car crash in North Carolina, it was reported Sunday. Herbert's sons, James, 12, and Jon, 18, reportedly were on their way to get some breakfast Saturday when they collided with an oncoming vehicle while attempting to pass another car in Cornelius. Both boys died at the scene, while those in the other vehicle were treated for non-life-threatening injuries at a local hospital. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-294133-693060
Thanks to my Roberta for sending this picture: Erect-Crested penguin My Family and I spent a wonderful week in Boston and Salem. Here is one of our Many pictures Roberta
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re: Windows can't open attachments Good Morning Webby I receive e-mails with attachements. Some of them I cannot open. Invalid file type error. Windows does not reconize the file and unable to open attachement . I have WindowXP and Internet Explore 7.It was suggested to use Reg Care a free download to correct the problem. do you know anythig about Reg Care and would it help my problem. Judy Dear Judy If Windows refuses to open an attachment, it quite possibly is malicious stuff. Reg Care won't help you at all, it's probably bad stuff too. What kinds of attachments do you get, that Windows refuses to open ? The safest policy nowadays is: When in doubt, dump it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two Greek virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"

Deeli's Kudos January 4, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - Reuters A Chicago tavern said on Thursday it will begin selling chicken wings coated in one of the world's hottest peppers -- a dish so hot that patrons first have to sign a waiver agreeing not to sue for injuries. Jake Melnick's Corner Tap said the wings made with Red Savina pepper will be served with an alarm bell for patrons to summon waiters with sour cream, milk, sugar and white bread if things get out of hand. Levy Restaurants, which owns the tavern, said its chef d'Cuisine Robin Rosenberg had been working on the concept for years but was never sure he'd be able to serve it. "This isn't the right sauce for everyone, but for someone out there, this is going to be absolute heaven. Of course, for a handful of people, it's going to be hell," he said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0801 ... d_wings_dc

The high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Lemon Rinds When you use a lemon, don't throw away the peel. Put it in a baggy and toss it in the freezer. Then you will have it handy if you encounter a recipe that needs lemon zest. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible we could never do it. Yes Mr. President, we will try." and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars . . . he wants us to try to find it in senators!"

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Dear Webby: Moving mail to the flash drive 



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Good Morning, ! Monday, January 28, 2008
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. --- Groucho Marx The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
One day three redneck couples in a mini van are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from New Jersey. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "Could you pass the honey, Honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says, "Could you pass the sugar, Sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The third husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says, "Wanna pass me the bacon, porky?"

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A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But, if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Police administration in England Six year holiday January 27, 2008 - Hampshire, UK - Ananova A policeman is returning to work after being suspended on full pay for more than six years. PC Gerry Dawson's "gardening leave" has reportedly cost the taxpayer more than £200,000. He was told to stay at home in September 2001 while he was investigated for alleged corruption, reports The Sun. It was two years and three months before he was charged and a year and four months later he was cleared by a court. Another seven months on he was tried again on fresh charges but PC Dawson was again cleared. But he stayed suspended while bosses launched a misconduct investigation. After two years they decided they had no case and ordered the £32,000-a-year officer back on the beat. A fellow Hampshire PC joked: "The lads reckon Gerry's garden should be good enough to enter in the Chelsea Flower Show." Last year nearly 300 officers were suspended on full pay at a cost of £8million. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2698054.html?menu=
Thanks to my dad for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Moving mail to flash drive I may be having a senior moment- But how do I save my e-mails to a flash drive???? Thanks in advance-- FRED Dear Fred That depends on the email program you use. With Eudora, you simply drag IN.MBX and IN.TOC onto the flash drive, to get whatever you have in the IN mailbox. OUT.MBX and OUT.TOC would be your OUT mailbox. And so on. Different programs use different names, but most have two files per mailbox. If you use a 1 or 2 GB key-fob flash drive, you can easily drag all of your mailboxes to and from it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Some helpful rules for better writing: 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Comparisons are as bad as clichs. 7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 8. Be more or less specific. 9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 11. No sentence fragments. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalize. 15. Don't use no double negatives. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice is to be ignored. 19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Deeli's Kudos January 26, 2008 - Painesville, Ohio - UPI A judge in Ohio sentenced a man convicted of stealing a Salvation Army kettle to live 24 hours as a homeless person. Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti gave Nathen Smith a choice -- serve a 90-day jail sentence, or live 24 hours as a homeless man and serve only three days in jail. Smith has been outfitted with a global positioning system tracker to ensure he doesn't go home or stay with friends overnight. The judge also had all of the man's money and credit cards confiscated. "He was like everyone else who finds themselves out on the street," Cicconetti said. "I don't want him to have any money on him. I want him to learn. It's not going to hurt to be a little cold." Weather forecasts for the city predicted the wind chill could go as low as 5 below zero overnight. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-293890-982075


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Think Twice About to Rent-To-Own They offer expensive financing which will cost at least double for any products you buy. You are much better served by getting a loan from a credit union, using a low interest credit card, or better yet, saving money every month so you can buy the product outright. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: All Season Mix
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Dear Webby: Extra USB Port 



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Good Morning, ! Sunday, January 27, 2008
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you to not to have any. --- Katharine Whitehorn Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them. --- Suzanne Necker
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, wildy gesturing with one hand and jerking the mike cord along with the other. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, we better run!"
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, you don't have the right to have an attorney present, but you may kiss the bride."

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Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers." Cashier reply's: "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tomas Delgado January 25, 2008 - Madrid, Spain - Reuters Thanks to Ross for this submission A Spanish driver who collided with a bicyclist is suing the dead youth's family $29,300 for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car. Businessman Tomas Delgado says 17-year-old Enaitz Iriondo caused $20,500 of damage to his Audi A8 in the fatal 2004 crash in La Rioja region. The youth had been cycling alone at night without reflective clothing or a helmet, according to a police report cited by El Pais. Delgado, who has faced no criminal charges for the incident, wants a further 6,000 euros to cover the cost of hiring another vehicle while his car was being repaired. "I'm also a victim in all of this, you can't fix the lad's problems, but you can fix mine," Delgado said ahead of a January 30 legal decision on his suit. The family said they had previously pitied Delgado for the guilt he must feel at killing their son but were now disgusted that his greatest concern appeared to be money. http://snipurl.com/1ycbp
Thanks to My dad for sending this picture: These bloomed today, they are Mammilaria Sanchez
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mellie Re: Extra USB Port Hi Webby, I enjoy your column every day, but lately I've had to enjoy it from my work computer. I have discovered the joys of flash drives, and use them to save my email til I can get home an put them on my personal computer. The problem is that my USB ports are on the back of my computer and it's hard to reach that area. Is there some sort of thing that I can plug into the back of my computer that has USB ports on it so I don't have to bend over and tip my CPU every time I want to load files to my computer? Thanks, mellie Dear Mellie You need a USB hub. With some shopping around you can find 4 to 7 port USB hubs for under $5. Here is one for $4.75 USB Hub $4.75 You just stick that to the side of the monitor with double sided tape, and have 4 USB ports where they are the most convenient. Some hubs come with a cable to reach from the back of your computer to the monitor, some don't. However, any USB cable from any, no longer used device will do fine. Once you have chosen a USB hub, have a look and see what kind of cable it needs. The most common are the AB cables. A is for the flat male plug B is for the little house shaped male plug. A 6 foot long AB cable is usually around $2.50 - $3, less at garage sales. Have FUN! DearWebby
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If you help a relative in need, he/she will remember you the next time they are in need. --- Socratex

Deeli's Kudos January 25, 2008 - St. Paul, Minnesota - UPI The University of St. Thomas received an anonymous donation of $50 million, which the Minnesota university says is one of its three largest gifts. The donation was given to the university's Opus College of Business as part of the St.Paul, Minn., institution's $500 million "Opening Doors" capital campaign. University officials said the donation will help increase the college's endowment and support student scholarships and faculty research. Last fall, the university got a $60 million gift from Penny and Lee Anderson, owner and chairman of APi Group Inc. In 2000, St. Thomas received a $50 million gift from Best Buy founder and chairman Richard Schulze and his late wife, Sandra. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-293025-423593

Steve wasn't feeling well and so he went to the doctor to get himself checked. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, Steve, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking." "To be honest with you, Doc," said Steve, "I don't deserve the best. What's the SECOND best?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Track Your Energy Costs with a Home Energy Audit An energy audit will show you which areas of your home use the most energy and help you decide the most effective way to reduce energy costs. You can conduct a simple audit yourself, contact your local utility, or call an independent energy auditor for a more comprehensive examination. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: All Season Mix
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Dear Webby: Another registry cleaner 



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Good Morning, ! Saturday, January 26, 2008
Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not. --- Thomas Jefferson Is that why Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton want gun control so badly?
Thanks to Rubye for bringing back this Classic: A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take..! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives I want to know how she feels inside what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment.., why she cries.., what she means when she says: 'Nothing's wrong'.., and how I can make a woman truly happy..!' The Lord replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the session on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation, which is the act of going from a gas to a solid, while skipping the intermediate liquid stage. As an example, he gave water vapor in the air condensing on a windshield to form ice. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas. He was expecting dry ice as the answer when one of the students blurted out, "Burritos!"

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Thanks to Sandie for this story: I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Has No Patience, Now Will Have No Patients ... January 25, 2008 - New York - UPI A New York physician has been indicted on charges he bilked his 92-year-old mother out of nearly $1 million. Dr. Robin Motz, 64, who allegedly used power-of-attorney to extract money from his ailing mother's accounts, also is being investigated to see if he used prescription drugs to speed her demise. The mother, Minnie Motz, had a career as a librarian but was able to amass nearly a million dollars by playing the stock market, prosecutors said. In 2004, Motz began slowly liquidating his mother's investments by writing checks to cover his credit-card bills, the Manhattan District Attorney's Office charged. Prosecutors said Motz ran up $400,000 in credit-card bills by eating out every night, taking $18,000 luxury European vacations, and picking up a third wife. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-293023-514565
Thanks to Shirley for sending this picture: Albino Deer Photographed near Dauphin, Manitoba (110 miles or so from Winnipeg). These pictures were taken by one of the teachers from the high school in Dauphin. He took the pictures while going home from work. He lives in Onanole and travels through the park every day. This deer apparently has been seen before but never photographed.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lee Re: Another registry cleaner Hi Webby, Enjoy your newsletter.'I have a question. Are you familiar with a software program called "Advenced Cleaner"? If so, is it effective, and is there any cost involved with it. Will it interfere with any other cleaning programs I have unstalled such as window washer, or Quick clean? The company website does not have a phone number, etc. so cannot talk to anyone live. Thank you, Lee Dear Lee Dear Lee I am not familiar with that program. Windows seems to work just fine without it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Q. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Sorority girls don't screw in lightbulbs, silly -- they prefer couches, carpets and broom closets

Deeli's Kudos January 19, 2008 - Brevard County, Florida Thanks to Dianne for this submission Retired Army Green Beret Smokey Taylor got his court martial this weekend and came away feeling good about it. Taylor, at age 80, is the oldest member of Chapter XXXIII of the Special Forces Association. He was on trial by his peers under the charge of failing to use a weapon of sufficient caliber in the shooting of an intruder at his home in Knoxville, TN, in December. Taylor had been awakened in the early morning hours of Dec. 17, 2007, when an intruder broke into his home. Then the intruder threatened him with a knife, Taylor warned him, then brought his .22 caliber pistol to bear and shot him right between the eyes. That boy had the hardest head I've ever seen, Taylor said after his trial. The bullet bounced right off. The impact knocked the would-be thief down momentarily. He crawled out of the room then got up and ran out the door and down the street. Knoxville police apprehended him a few blocks away and he now awaits trial in the Knox County jail. Charges were brought against Taylor under the premise that he should have saved the county and taxpayers the expense of a trial, could have used a .45 or .38. The .22 just wasn't enough to get the job done. Following testimony from both sides, Taylor was acquitted of the charges and was given a round of applause. After the trial new information was given that the perp had soiled his pants as he crawled out of the house. Meanwhile, back in Knox County, the word is out: Don’t go messing with Smokey Taylor. He just bought a whole bunch of fresh ammo.

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too: "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Paint Off Hinges It can be difficult to put masking tape on hinges to keep paint off them. Instead, cover them with petroleum jelly. Any paint that gets on them will be easy to wipe off, even after the paint dries. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

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Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Festival Net
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Dear Webby: Open Office or Google ? 



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Good Morning, ! Friday, January 25, 2008 Wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Author unknown
Thanks to Angela for bringing back this classic: Yesterday I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had? PIGEONS since I'm retired, with little to do? I told her that no I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I explained that I probably shouldn't be going back on this diet because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, although I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story). Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; that I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
An elderly woman walked into a liquor store with two guns, pointed them at the shop-keeper and said "Give me six bottles of scotch whiskey, all the money in the till, and then I want you to take me into your storeroom and make love to me." The shopkeeper got her the six bottles of scotch, emptied the money from the till into the old woman's handbag, and then went with her into the storeroom and made love to her. In the excitement the old lady dropped the guns on the floor. The shop-keeper paused a moment, then said "Madam, could you please pick up your guns again, I'm expecting my wife to arrive any minute."

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When Bush was visiting Israel he met the Israeli Prime Minister. In classic Bush style, the U.S. President offers a gift to his guest. "Here you go, says Bush. "Try out this shiny new Cadillac. It's their finest model." "Thank you, Mr. President, but I can not accept this magnificent gift." replies the Prime Minister. "Oh. I understand about gift limits. Ok then ... give me a half dollar for it. Then it won't be a gift." replies Bush. The Prime Minister gives Bush a dollar. "I don't have any change ... too bad" says the President. "No big deal... you'll just give me two Cadillacs" retorts the Prime Minister. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Scott Hinkle, 53, of Davis, West Virginia Not clued in to Airport procedures January 23, 2008 - Washington - CNN Thanks to Ross for this submission. A passenger who went through an airport security checkpoint, before remembering that he had a loaded gun, is facing charges after going back to report his error. Gregory Scott Hinkle, 53, of Davis, West Virginia, went through a Transportation Security Administration checkpoint at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport about 7:30 a.m. The TSA contacted airport police, who charged the man with possessing or transporting a firearm into an air carrier terminal where prohibited, a misdemeanor, and released him. He is scheduled to appear April 2 in Arlington County, Virginia, General District Court. A TSA spokesman said the agency reviewed airport surveillance camera videos of the incident and removed the screener from security duties while an investigation is under way. "Appropriate actions will be taken once the investigation is complete," spokesman Christopher White said. http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/23/airpor ... =hpmostpop
Thanks to alert reader Roland for spotting this ad: Picking potatoes from the top, while they are in flower?
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donny Re: Open Office or Google? Thank you again for your newsletter and for your help in the past. I am just wondering if you know whether or not "Google Spreadsheets and Documents" are as good as "Open Office". I am now running Vista Home Premium with MS Office 2000 and can no longer get updates so I'm considering changing. Also. will these other programs read my previously created documents (Word, Excel) and allow editing of them ? Any advice would be helpful and a reply would be appreciated - I will, however, watch the newsletter; which I am getting with no problems in Gmail. Thank you, Donny Dear Donny Google spreadsheets and documents are in Google format, and stored on Google, so that collaborators can work on them from various locations. While that may be handy for some specific tasks, it's not really what you need. Open Office uses OPEN format, totally independent of the type of machine or operating system. It can read your WORD DOC and Excel stuff and even save in that format Converting to Open Office is totally painless and there is no need to get rid of M$ Office. It is a huge program, though, and will take a while to download. But it is well worth it! Have FUN! DearWebby
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When John died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I knew he died of diarrhea. But it was his last wish, for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than just full of crap, like he always was."

Deeli's Kudos January 22, 2008 - Pemberton, New Jersey - UPI A dog stolen with its owner's Jeep Cherokee outside a South Jersey convenience store was back home Saturday. Princess, a 7-month-old mix of Pekingese and Chihuahua, was turned over to an animal shelter in Pennsauken by someone who found her whimpering on the street Friday, WCAU-TV reported. The shelter's name, Almost Home, proved prophetic for Princess. Susan Fishman left the motor running when she stopped at a convenience store in Hanover because she did not want the dog to get cold. During the few minutes she was in the store, someone drove off in the Jeep. The car thief remains unknown, but a security camera at the store taped the theft. The Jeep was recovered in Camden.

Q. What do you call a redneck couple with only two kids, each? A. Newlyweds.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Writing Notes on the Bathroom Mirror When I need to do something in the AM, I jot a note on the bathroom mirror with a dry-erase marker at night. I see it as I am dressing and brushing teeth, and I can then wipe it off the mirror with a tissue. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Kati for this story: One day, Johnny Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where'd ya git dat truck?!?" "Tina gived it to me" Bubba replied "She gived it to ya? "I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" "Well, Johnny, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 301, in the middle of nowheres. Tina pulled off the road, put the truck in four-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! " "Bubba, yore a smart man! Her clothes woulda never fit ya

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Getty Gallery
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Dear Webby: AVG users like it 



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Good Morning, ! Thursday, January 24, 2008
You can set yourself up to be sick, or you can choose to stay well. — Wayne Dyer One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. --- Bertrand Russell
Thanks to Martin for this story: A 3-year-old tells all One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favourite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' And sure enough........!!!
The psychiatrist was holding a group consultation with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he told them. To the first one, he said, "Your obsession is eating. Why you've even named your daughter Candy." The second, he said, was obsessed by money. "Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother arose and, taking her little boy by the hand, whispered, "Let's go, Peter."

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Thanks to Sandie for this story: Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow up yer fookin' candle.' Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the dog stealing Mayor of Alice, Texas Not the ideal dog sitter! January 20, 2008 - Alice, Texas - AP Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez was indicted Friday on two felony counts of tampering with physical evidence related to a dog her neighbours say she took from them. Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez had agreed to take care of Puddles while Rudy Gutierrez and Shelly Cavazos were on vacation over the summer. A day after they left, she called to say the dog was dead, but three months later a relative of Cavazos saw Puddles - renamed Panchito - at a dog groomer. Puddles' family sued and filed a criminal complaint, but the case took a new turn Monday when the mayor filed a police report saying the dog was missing. A television crew found the dog 15 kilometres from Alice in Ben Bolt, at the home of Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez's twin, Graciela Garcia. Garcia said a "mysterious lady" had found the dog and dropped it off. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 64-ap.html
Thanks to the many who sent this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: many Re: Free Anti Virus programs A lot of people wrote in and reported that AVG seems to be working fine for them, even on old ME systems. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Jai for this story: A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Deeli's Kudos January 16, 2008 -Chicago, Illinois - UPI Five former federal prosecutors are asking Illinois' governor to order DNA testing for a man they believe was wrongfully convicted of murder. Johnnie Lee Savory of Peoria, Ill., was convicted in 1977 of double murder when he was 14 years old. The former prosecutors and other supporters say Savory, who has been released on parole and now lives in Chicago, was denied the right to post-conviction DNA testing in Illinois when it is relevant to a claim of actual innocence. They are asking Gov. Rod Blagojevich to order the testing in the context of a clemency proceeding. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-289092-464908

Moshe Rosenberg is a new recruit in the British Army. One day an officer asked him "What is your name?" "Moshe Rosenberg" he replied. The officer responded "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army. What is your name?" "Sir Moshe Rosenberg."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Salt A paste of salt and vinegar help clean tarnished brass or copper. You can cover spilled juice or wine with salt to absorb much of the stain. Soaking washable fabrics in salt water will help remove many stubborn stains. For cleaning purposes use plain salt not iodized salt. Cast iron frying pans and Woks that have an age old "seasoning" or oil patina can be safely cleaned with salt, without endangering the patina or enraging the chef. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Bill was attending an outdoor music concertwith a young woman he had recently begun dating. Standing at the back of the crowd, they wrapped their arms around each other, swaying to the music. After a particularly romantic song, his date turned to face him. With a loving smile, she said, "I wish we were closer..." Totally thrilled, he looked into her eyes and whispered, "Do you mean our houses or our friendship?" Puzzled, she replied, "No, you dummy! ...To the stage."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Curves
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Dear Webby: Free Anti Virus Programs 



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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, January 23, 2008
"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two hairpieces." --- David Letterman
Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
The new patient was sharing his woes with an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm usually tired and winded, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal." "Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor. "How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."

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Thanks to Sandie for this story: One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "Just do it!!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Wrong time and place January 22, 2008 - Fargo, North Dakota - UPI A North Dakota man was cited for a snow emergency parking violation, in St. Paul, Minnesota, for a car he hasn't used in decades. Actually, Brian Nelson of Fargo received a notice that he was tardy in paying the $50 parking fine from December and would be assessed penalties until the matter was resolved. One small problem: The ticket was issued against his 1941 Ford, which hasn't seen the road in years, having been stored in Nelson's garage. "It's just nuts," Nelson said. He called St. Paul officials, who told him he either needed to appear in person or pay the fine. St. Paul is about 250 miles from Fargo. Then Nelson contacted KARE-TV, which spoke with a city official who said the matter could be corrected with a phone call. "Somebody made a mistake," the official said. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-289758-968979
just for you, here is the 2008 snow angel
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Free Anti Virus programs Dear Webby, I have been reading your letter for several years now & really do enjoy a fresh way to start the day. I love the good clean jokes & some wonderful pictures. Also your tech dept has been very useful. Thanks, ever so much. I am curious about what you know about the free" avast" antivirus" program & free "avg antivirus" program. Thanks so much for all the help. Sharon Dear Sharon Those free anti-virus programs are definitely better than nothing at all. Personally, I consider paying $30 a year to McAfee well worth it. It all depends on how much your data is worth to you. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A church had a man in the choir who could not sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I am going to resign and the choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me that you can't sing." "That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

Deeli's Kudos January 22, 2008 - Newport News, Virginia - Gimundo Atlanta Falcons player Michael Vick's mansion was the site of unspeakable atrocities against our favorite four-legged friends. Now, with Vick spending some well-earned time in the Big House, his dog-fighting operation has finally been shut down for good, and the Newport News, Virginia house where he based his operation is vacant and up for sale. Michael Morford, the founder of a nonprofit group called Jalie's Butterflies, has initiated The Vick House Project – a plan to raise money in donations to purchase the house, and then convert it into an animal shelter for abused and mistreated dogs. According to the nonprofit's website it is simply "a chance to give back to the spirit of the animals that were harmed. It is a chance for animal lovers to contribute to a noble cause. It is a chance to create a happy final chapter to a sordid and tragic tale." http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/8 ... al_Shelter

Thanks to Millie for this one: My husband, sons, and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks walked by. When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment." "I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said and jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?" "Or a Honda Odyssey," I said. The monks got into a Pathfinder.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Canned Cream Soups Cream soups, like cream of mushrooms, make easy sauces for vegetables, sauces and casserole filling. Stock up on cream soups when they are sale, they are a great time saving staple to have in your pantry. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT! (Some of you may have to read this one out loud, to get it.) Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Harbin 2008 Ice and Snow sculptures
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Dear Webby: Compaq Problems 



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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, January 22, 2008
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --- Thomas A. Edison
A bad joke bonehead award goes to a Texas rancher who depreciated 15 to 20 animals, something only allowed if the animals are used in breeding who, when asked by the IRS agent at an audit, "I presume you breed these animals?" replied that he didn't, giving his accountant a heart attack. But then, after a pregnant pause, continued, "I've got a bull for that."
Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a Marine." The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

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Everybody's heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They fueled up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people inside. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" ------------------------ If you ARE interested in Area 51, head up Interstate 15 from Las Vegas towards Utah, hang a left at Highway 93, turn left at Extraterrestrial Highway, yes it's really called that!, about 40 Miles to 51 Road on the left. If you don't get stopped, about half an hour down that road is Area 51. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a wannabe robber in Edmonton, Alberta Wrong time and place January 18, 2008 - Edmondton, Alberta, Canada - Reuters A would-be Canadian robber picked the wrong place at the wrong time this week, attempting to hit a liquor store -- right across the street from a police station in the midst of a shift change. Police in the western Canadian city of Edmonton, Alberta, said a man wearing a ski mask walked into the liquor store and demanded cash. The clerk refused to co-operate and the man, unable to fill his pockets, fled the store. The clerk called the police just as the station was packed with officers preparing for the shift change. Several of them just walked to the store parking lot and arrested the man there. The 37-year-old has been charged with attempted robbery. http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnou ... 2520080118
Thanks to VeeGee for sending this picture: Art Carr who is now retired from NB Power took this picture at his home in Douglas Tuesday, January 15, 2008, A few more people sent the same picture later on in the day, each time supposedly from a different location. By afternoon the deer and cat had migrated as far south as Pennsylvania.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Compaq Woes Dear Webby, I am having a tough time finding the serial # and the Product number for the Compaq I gave to my neighbors. We have lQQked everywhere on that Computer...I called Hewlett Packard 5 times already and they tell me they are not the right numbers...They said the serial # has to start with an MY, MX or CN...cannot find the product # either and we went over the Computer with fine tooth comb...Nothing we give the Compaq techs comes close. Guessing there will never be a recovery disk for it...Avast will not install no how...She told me she removed Google from her ADD-REMOVE programs since she thought maybe all the Pop-ups were coming faster than she can X them out but I don't think it has anything to do with it...Webby is there any way to re-do it without the Recovery Disk. Jaye Dear Jaye That is typical for HP. They have a reputation to live up to. Don't expect any useful help from them. I am assuming that you already ran Spybot-Search&Destroy and the free McAfee one time on-line Virus Scan. You can try running the Belarc Advisor from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. It MIGHT show the number. If not,.... If you can't find the set-up CD, you can either march down to Staples, plunk down $100 for an XP package, or go to the second hand store and buy some old klunker, that has the set-up CD with it, for $50 - $75. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to John for this story: I made the decision to finally do something about the 600 pounds I'm carrying on my 5'4" frame. So, I headed down to the local sports shoe store and was just amazed at the tremendous selection of different shoes. Flat arch, high arch, over-pronator, neutral-pronator, under-pronator . . . my God! I finally selected a pair and, as I was trying 'em on, I asked the saleslady, "What's this little pocket thing on the side for?" She said, "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call a cab when you've jogged too far."

Deeli's Kudos January 19, 2008 - Mountain, North Dakota - AP A small North Dakota town is getting a bit of foreign aid to help build its community center: a $75,000 donation from Iceland. Officials in Mountain, a northeastern North Dakota community with a rich Icelandic heritage told Iceland Prime Minister Geir Haarde about the $1.3 million community center project when he came to the town last year for the 108th annual August the Deuce Icelandic Celebration. It commemorates the beginning of Iceland's journey to independence from Denmark. Mountain's community center will house the local fire department, a cafe and other businesses, a banquet room and a church office. Mountain Mayor Tim Moore said it will serve not only the town but the region, where people from Iceland settled in the 1870s. http://www.happynews.com/news/1192008/i ... a-town.htm

Thanks to marion for this: Women's Lament: The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSED sex??? ----------------------- What's so confusing with clear guidelines like that? Make the first move and get on with life!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Marked Down Meat Grocery stores mark down meat when it gets near its "sell by" date. If you are shopping for tonight's dinner then this meat can be real bargain. If you don't plan on eating the meat quickly, freeze it for future use. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wendy tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to Paul her good friend. Paul told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Wendy, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said Paul. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Wendy made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Paul asked Wendy, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Wendy, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mallards on the Wing
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Dear Webby: PDF Reader 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, January 21, 2008
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out. --- Alfred Hitchcock Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. --- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Hi Webby You can tell Danialle that I live in Sydney on the east coast of Australia! Along with sulphur-crested cockatoos!! Kind regards Cheryl
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage. Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
The big thing today is computer dating. If you don't know how to run a computer, it really dates you.

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police in Brighton, England Pol-ice January 20, 2008 - Szigliget, Hungary - Ananova "Pol-ice" An entire police squad had to be rescued from a frozen lake in Hungary after an officer tried to chase a robber across the ice. Policewoman Ani Kosut fell through ice in Szigliget in the west of the country. Passers-by called other police but as they tried to fish her out, they fell in as well and more officers had to be called. Thirty policemen ended up in the freezing waters before a team of fire fighters finally dragged them all to safety. The robber was not caught. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2685944.html?menu=
Thanks to Arturas for this picture: It's a bird
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Reader Dear Webby, Really like your humor[most of the time]. Anyway, I'd like to ask you a question about the Acrabat Reader. I don't have one on my computer and to get certain e-mails to open I must have one. Especially the bill for my internet service. Is there a free service or do you know where I can get it.? Thanks so much and for all your good advice. It has helped me alot. Carole Dear Carole You can use Open Office or Foxit Foxit or Adobe Acrobat Reader Acrobat Reader In case you forget these links, they are alos in my toolbox: Tool Box Have FUN! DearWebby
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery for this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I Dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

Deeli's Kudos January 18, 2008 - Odessa, Texas - AP A local church has given US$145,000 to the Odessa Police Department for the money to distributed among underpaid officers. Rev. Don Caywood of Odessa Christian Faith Center handed the money over to police Chief Chris Pipes at a Sunday service. The department will distribute $1,000 cheques to 145 employees. "It became obvious our men and women in blue are underpaid," Caywood told the congregation during the service. Caywood said the church, which has a weekly attendance of about 1,600, raised most of the money since late October. Caywood said he was inspired after hearing of officers battling for better pay and benefits. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... otes_texas

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?" The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The whole rest of your life."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Food Fix - Freshen Stale Snacks If your chips, cracker or pretzels have gone a bit stale, freshen them up by placing on a cookie sheet, single layer, in a 250 degree oven for 10 or 15 minutes. They will be as good as new. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This country is so full of opportunity. Where else can a woman hire another woman to do her housework so that she can volunteer at the Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child?

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Things Exotic
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Dear Webby: Storage for back-ups 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, January 20, 2008
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. --- Mark Twain If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. --- Dick Cavett We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements in life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about." --- Charles Kingsley
Hi Webby, Where is it that Cheryl lives that has sulphur-crested cockatoos? Thank You, Danialle
Thanks to VK for this story: A guy had a major argument with his wife. He thought maybe he was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away and cooling off, the guy reconsidered his position and realized he was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty about all the trauma he had caused. So to make it up to his wife he said he'd buy her a gift. "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said overcome with remorse. "Oh, I don't know," she replied, "you really don't have to do this, you know. But if you insist, just get me something really expensive that I don't need." The following day he booked her for a complete set of dental crowns.
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard. TOURIST: Hello. JEWISH MAN: Hello. TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed. JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel. TOURIST: What's a Mohel? JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions. TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?! JEWISH MAN: So what you want me to have in my window? Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police in Brighton, England Clouded Not sure about this one but certainly seems a huge waste of tax dollars to me ... January 15, 2008 - Brighton, England - UPI Police in Brighton, England, have handed out almost $4,000 to an artist to paint clouds on the walls of a rundown bar in an attempt to keep its patrons "calm." Sussex police and Brighton and Hove City Council brought in artist Stig Evans to paint blue skies and fluffy clouds on the windows of the derelict pub, which had become a magnet for rude behavior and allegedly was even used a crack house, The Daily Mail reported Monday. City officials claim the artwork in Brighton cheers up vandals by making them think of sunny days instead of going on a wrecking spree. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-288108-984820
Thanks to my dad for this picture: Winter walk
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gale Re: Back-up storage Dear Webby I want to tell you how much I admire your picture in which you are wearing the red shirt and hood. You make it look good! Months ago you were highly recommending a storage/recovery system for pictures; alas, I did not note the name of it. My skills are remedial and now I know enough to wish I had such a good system. Thank you for your newsletter. Gale Dear Gale Thanks for the compliments! If you have a digital camera and a chip reader, you can store files on spare camera memory chips. If you don't, then use a USB Hard Drive. I just saw this one: Seagate 250 GB removable USB Hard Drive $89 http://www.tigerdirect.com/applications ... CatId=2422 250 GB is probably way more than you need, but it is a good example. With a bit of looking around, you can probably find a 40 GB USB hard drive for under $50. They just plug into a USB port and you instantly have an additional hard drive. Have FUN! DearWebby
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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?' Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down. 'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni. 'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'. 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !' 'Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'

Deeli's Kudos January 15, 2008 - Yacolt, Washington - UPI Several parrots who migrated to the Yacolt, Wash., area now have their very own custom-built, 30-foot-high nesting platforms. Joy Tindall spearheaded the project to get the parrots off a utility pole transformer platform that was dangerous for them to live on. Tindall and a group of bird lovers installed the first of several 30-foot-high nesting platforms to lure the 20 or so parrots in town away from Clark Public Utilities property. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-288107-909369

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. "Mary, what does your parents do?" Lil' Mary replied "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse." "Thats very nice," said the teacher, "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed ,"My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!" "Thats very nice," said the teacher , "Johnny, what do your parents do?" He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned. "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher. Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Day of the Week Hangers To make things easier, I made up a set of hangers with the days of the week on them. On Sundays, I go through my son's closet and put outfits together, then hang one on each "day of the week" hanger. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor. "'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Endeavour Space Photos
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Dear Webby, I have problems with junkmail 

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Good Morning, ! Saturday, January 19, 2008
Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow. --- Plato
Thanks to Cookie for this story: (As sent by her, from the hospital) Cookie, Upset over the recent death of her husband Bob, So she decided to just kill herself And join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it Over with quickly, she took out Bob's old Army pistol and made the decision to Shoot herself in the heart since it was So badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called Her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location. "Since you're a woman ," The doctor said, "the easiest way to locate your heart is, it is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering Later that night, Cookie was admitted to the hospital With a gunshot wound to her knee.

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Thanks to Martin for this story: A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made contact, "Connie....Connie." "Is that you, Joe?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud- lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!" "Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Carpool Cheater in Seattle, WA Carpool Annie January 15, 2008 - Seattle, Washington - UPI A Washington state trooper said a motorist cited for driving alone in the carpool lane was traveling with an elaborately decorated dummy disguised as a human. State Patrol Trooper Jeff Merrill said the driver was pulled over after his dummy, which was in the rear passenger seat, slumped over so it could not be seen from outside the car, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported. Merrill said the driver admitted the dummy -- dressed in a denim jacket, a hoodie and glasses with a painted-on black beard -- was intended to fool traffic cops into thinking a passenger was riding along while the driver used the carpool lane. The man was given a $124 citation, but he was allowed to keep his mannequin.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: This one bloomed today.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Problem with junkmail Dear Webby Getting flooded with a ton of junk mail and need to know if there is a good spam catcher. Thanks for all your hellp.... You advice keeps my Computer running smoothly. Jaye. Dear Jaye Go to http://webby.com/mailwasher and get MailWasher. You can get a free 30 day trial and get started immediately. I have been using MailWasher for years and it takes care of over 4000 pieces of spam in my mail every day. When you do eventually buy it, it is just under $30, and well worth it. Plus they buy me a regular coffee for dragging you in out of the rain. I have tried many spam control products over the years, and MailWasher beats them all. Have FUN! DearWebby
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"Hello?" Linda responded, answering the phone. "I bet you want me to come over to your house, take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you all night long," the male voice whispered sensuously. "Gee," she replied. "You could tell all that just from me saying 'hello?

Deeli's Kudos January 16, 2008 - Brisbane, Australia - AP Boomerangs really do come back, even after 25 years. Officials in an Australian Outback town were surprised when a boomerang arrived in the post. Along with it was a note from a guilt-ridden American who said he stole it years earlier from a museum in the mining town of Mount Isa, and now felt rotten about it. ''I removed this back in 1983 when I was younger and dumber,'' said the note, according to Mount Isa Mayor Ron McCullough. ''It was the wrong thing to do, I'm sorry, and I'm going to send it back,'' said the note. McCullough on Thursday gave the contrite thief's first name as Peter but said it would be unfair to release his full identity. Boomerangs were traditionally used by Aborigines as a hunting weapon. A typical returning boomerang can travel up to 150 feet in the air before returning to the thrower. http://www.happynews.com/news/1182008/b ... -years.htm

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops. "People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Roadside Assistance A lot of people pay for roadside assistance but don't have the numbers handy. Check to make sure you have numbers to call in your wallet or purse and program them into your cell phone. It's much better to make the call yourself rather than have the police arrange towing for your vehicle. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A computer program crashed in the lawyer's office, so he called a programmer. The programmer arrived, unpacked his case, did mysterious programmer-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!." The programmer quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Think Geek - Stuff for Smart Masses
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Dear Webby: Internet Shortcuts not linking to browser 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, January 18, 2008 Wear something red to show your support for the troops!
We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. --- Nick Faldo There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. --- Don Herold
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for an hour about staying out late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, smack her on the butt and say, 'Are you as horny as I am?' She always acts like she's sound asleep!"

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A truck loaded with new cars had to be at the dealership before opening time the next morning. The trucker's trip had gone well except for one headlight had burned out. There was nowhere to buy a replacement along this rural road so he kept going - until the other headlight burned out, too. Well, being a fast thinker, he got out, turned on the headlights of the car on the top rack, right over his cab. This worked pretty well, he could see the road but had to slow his speed somewhat. He was watching the road carefully when he saw what looked like a tractor coming in his direction. He wasn't worried since he had lights and the tractor driver could see him. He was horrified when the other driver veered wildly off the road and ended up in a ditch. The trucker stopped, got out and ran to the farmer. "Are you OK?", he asked. The farmer looked at the wrecked tractor but found that he wasn't injured and said he was fine. The trucker was happy that the farmer was OK and asked him why he swerved off the road. The farmer replied, "When I saw you coming I thought that if you was a wide as you was high, I better git off the road!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a dopey dealer in Apple Valley, Minnesota Dopey Dealer January 17, 2008 - St. Paul, Minnesota - UPI An alleged drug dealer called Apple Valley, Minn., police to his home after his stash of marijuana and $3,200 in cash were stolen. Once the police showed up the man conceded that the thief had made off with his marijuana stash, breaking into a locked closet to complete the deed. An officer also reported scraps of paper with names, amounts and weights in another closet. "He also implied that his drug dealing was all right, stating, 'I just sell to my friends,'" said the police report. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re: Internet Shortcuts not linking to browser HI I HAVE PASTED INTERNET SHORT CUTS ONTO MY DESKTOP, BUT WHEN I CLICK ON THEM THEY GIVE A MESSAGE THAT I WILL HAVE TO CREATE A ASSOCIATION FOR THEM IN THE FOLDER OPTIONS. I HAVE TRIED THIS BUT I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, CAN YOU HELP ? THANKS BILL Dear Bill Open a File Explorer, Click on Tools, Folder Options File Types In there scroll down to Internet Shortcut and make sure your chosen browser is associated with it. You might also want to try to just drag the little icon on the left of the browser address bar onto the desktop, instead of pasting anything. Dragging that icon to the desktop makes an instant Internet shortcut, that can even be used to open your chosen browser. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos January 17, 2008 - Florida - Gimundo Restaurant kitchens are full of delicious dishes. But in many U.S. states, including Florida, when the kitchen closes, everything that hasn't been sold gets tossed out with the trash. 11-year-old Jack Davis wasn't a fan of this policy, which is due to a law stating that restaurants can be sued if the food makes anyone sick, even if given away. "I thought it pretty disturbing to see pounds of food being thrown away every single day." So he decided to do something about it. State Senator Nan Rich fell in love with Jack's idea. Now, Jack's bright idea is on the fast track to becoming a state law, which means that restaurants will be free to hand out their leftovers with no fear of lawsuits. Thanks to his work, thousands of hungry people around Florida will have access to food that would otherwise be wasted. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/7 ... the_Hungry

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, Keli would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, Greg found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. "Greg," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't worry." replied Greg. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Losing Weight A common New Year's Resolution is losing weight. Companies will sell you products that claim to help you lose weight, when accompanied with changes in diet and exercise. Rather than buying these products, start by developing a good exercise routine and a healthy diet first. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times. Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate. Wife: You don't love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Wife: (Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright, I'll do it. Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can't find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it! Husband: There! Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to sleep and from now on, when you want the window open, open it before you go to bed.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dragon Fruit
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Dear Webby: Open Office and PPS 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, January 17, 2008 Tomorrow is Friday!
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. --- Albert Einstein
Thanks to Sandie for this story: My creative mother enjoys doing crafts, such as making potpourri boxes decorated with ribbon and lace. Sometimes she gets so involved that she disappears into her upstairs workroom for hours, forgetting about more mundane things, like making dinner. One evening, I arrived home to find the kitchen empty again. But this time, I found a note that said, "Warning! Small craft advisory. Buy yourself a pizza!"

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Thanks to Scorpio9 for this story: A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does." Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars. Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", says the little old Jewish man ... costs too much." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Derrick Kosch, 25, in Kokomo, Indiana KOKOMO, Ind. (UPI) -- Police in Kokomo, Ind., said a robbery suspect accidentally shot himself in the groin as he put his gun in the waistband of his pants during a holdup. Authorities were called to the Village Pantry store at about 4:20 a.m. Tuesday by a female clerk who said a man fled after accidentally shooting himself during a robbery. The clerk did not see the shot, as she was retrieving cigarettes for the robber at the time, but surveillance footage shows the man accidentally firing the gun into his genitals while depositing it in his waistband. The robber ran off with the money, but police were called shortly after the incident and told there was a man who had been shot in a house on East North Street . Derrick Kosch, 25, was found with wounds to a testicle and one of his legs. Police said he would be arrested for armed robbery and related charges following surgery. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-288479-393524
Thanks to Cheryl for this picture: Hi Webby Re the photo on Monday- Maybe those cats in the tree were watching these birds in the tree near my house!!They are sulphur-crested cockatoos. They eat everything from the fruit off my trees to my outdoor fairy lights! Have even seen them attacking the baby clothes on next door's clothesline! Think we need those cats! Cheryl
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Open Office and PPS Dear Webby: My personal computer Guru, Do I understand this correctly??? With Open Office you can snag individual pictures from pps shows? I sure hope so...there are so many fantastic pictures in pps files. Cookie Dear Cookie Yes, you can! It opens the PPS with thumbnails of the individual pictures down along the left margin, and the highlighted thumbnail as the big picture in the center. You can edit the pictures, put text on them, change the duration of the show time, etc. And you can of course save the individual pictures that are "keepers". Or you can hit F5 for a traditional sit-back show. I can just hear you now: "Oh WOW! This is the way it should have been all along!" All of Open Office is that way. Like Microsoft Office SHOULD have been all along. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Meredith for this famous classic: ( For English as a second language students: The old word for donkey, as used in the bible, is ass. When used in that sense, the word is no more obscene or objectionable than the word donkey. ) The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the ad lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day.

Deeli's Kudos January 14, 2008 - Fairburn, South Dakota - UPI An 80-year-old Fairburn, S.D., woman shot and killed a mountain lion that was squaring off with her dog in her yard. Martha Smith said she first fired at the lion when she came outside and saw the cat snarling at her Border collie, Bo, whose barking alerted Smith to the unwelcome guest, The Rapid City (S.D.) Journal reported Wednesday. Smith missed with her first shot, which failed to scare off the intruder, and went inside to phone the authorities. However, the 911 dispatcher told Smith no one from Game, Fish & Parks was immediately available to take care of the lion. Smith said she saw no other option than to take a second shot at the big cat. "I knew I'd have to kill him," she said. "You can't have a mountain lion in your yard." She said she got within 20 or 25 feet of the lion and felled the beast in a single, second shot.

Thanks to Sandie for this story: My wife and I were making our own funeral arrangements and the director showed us into a room in which containers for ashes were on display. After we looked at the choices, I asked my wife if she had decided. She sighed, "Yes, the wood-finish one, as it will likely go into the ground." After a moment's pause, however, she continued, "But I really prefer the blue one. You know I always look good in blue!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com January's Best Food Buys Buy food that is in season and you can save money at the grocery store. Here are January's Best Buys: Apples, Beef, Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, Chicken, Eggs, Grapefruit, Oranges, Pork, Rhubarb, and Turnips. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty," so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale.....!?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lightning
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Dear Webby, how do I unlock the icons? 

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Good Morning, ! Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. --- Henry Ford
Thanks to Cookie for this: I Saw a billboard that said: Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-005-3787 ...Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

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Thanks to Sandie for this story: The doctor said to a patient's husband, "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly possible, but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid." "But doctor, she's so young! She's only thirty-nine." Upon which the comatose wife said weakly, "Thirty-seven." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a driver in Restalrig, Scotland Rude Scott January 15, 2008 - Restalrig, Scotland - UPI After running down an 11-year-old boy in Restalrig, Scotland, a driver stopped only briefly to rant about the damage to his vehicle. Lee Robertson suffered a broken collarbone, a broken shoulder and needed 12 stitches above his left eye after the Saturday crash, the Edinburgh Evening News reported. His mother, Michelle Robertson, said her son is lucky to be alive. "After hitting Lee, the driver stopped further on down the road and then ran back up," Robertson said Monday. "He didn't try to help him though and shouted 'look what you have done to my car.'" A Lothian and Borders Police spokesman said no arrests had been made in the incident and the investigation was ongoing. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-287997-895835
Thanks to Arturas for this picture: Tesla Fun!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kitty Re: Locked icons Dear webby: here i am again. how do i unlock the icons. to where we can move them around the screen. not all bunched toughther. ? Kitty Dear Kitty Right-click on the desktop and choose Arrange Icons. Unclick Auto Arrange. Unclick Align to grid. They should now stay where you put them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Old buddies Father Mulhaney and Rabbi Silverman were having their monthly breakfast. Father Mulhaney was enjoying his usual bacon and eggs, while Rabbi Silverman was savoring his lox and bagels . Father Mulhaney asked, "Would you like to try a piece of bacon? Lots of people eat bacon, and it is very tasty. Why don't you try a piece?" Rabbi Silverman replied, "You are quite right, my friend. I think I will try some bacon." "When?" asked the priest. "At your wedding, of course," responded the rabbi

Deeli's Kudos January 12, 2008 - LONDON -AP An 88-year-old Briton is perfecting his pirouettes in preparation for his debut as a ballet dancer in Prokofiev's "The Stone Flower." John Lowe, a grandfather of 11, began ballet dancing nine years ago after his daughter became a professional dancer. Now he is scheduled to perform Sunday at The Maltings theatre in Ely, about 120 kilometres north of London. According to Lowe there is nothing effeminate about ballet dancing. He says a person has to be incredibly fit to do ballet and that personally, it gives him a wonderful feeling. Lowe adds that he always wanted to dance and that it's never too late to learn. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... old_dancer

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship style golf course that the home was located at. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Dry Dog Food If you have a large dog, store dog food in a plastic garbage can or large tub. For smaller dogs, you can you use a small plastic tub or one of those decorative tins that popcorn comes in. Just empty the bag of dry food into the container and keep a scoop in it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's Day."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Arturas for today's Bonus Link: Tesla Coil Fun: Man made lightning
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Dear Webby, how do I read PPS files? 

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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, January 15, 2008
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it. --- Dale Carnegie
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The biker said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?' The biker said, 'Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

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A father is In church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The five-year-old was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head... With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, is he brainwashing that baby? Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Herrios Coronilla in Durham, North Carolina Smelly Evidence January 10, 2008 - Durham, North Carolina - AP Dog isn't this man's best friend. Police in North Carolina say Josue Herrios-Coronilla, 18, drove his black Camaro on the wrong side of the road Wednesday and crashed into the yard of a man who owns four dogs. Police found crushed bushes, a damaged fence, an inoperable car - and a fresh shoe print in a pile of dog feces. Following an odoriferous trail down the street, Sgt. Dale Gunter noticed a white van driving toward him. When he asked the passenger to step out, he noticed the smell of alcohol on the man's breath and evidence all over his shoes. Herrios-Coronilla was charged with driving while impaired and drinking underage and released on $1,500 bail. http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/080110/K011006AU.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Roseate Spoonbill
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maggie Re: PPS problem Dear Webby, I have a question to ask you and hope you can help me. i have windows 2000 professional and hispeed internet and i can't get any of the pps things to open. can you help me ? maggie Dear Maggie You need a PowerPoint reader, either the one from Microsoft or the one from Open Office. If you like "adopting" pictures from PPS shows, get the one from Open Office. You can get the entire Open Office suite, the equivalent of Microsoft Office 2009, free at http://www.openoffice.org/ Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo." The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says, "I'll have a waterloo too.'" The bartender gives him a tall, ice-cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water ! " The man next to him looks at the bartender and says, "Well, it IS water...right Lou?"

Deeli's Kudos January 13, 2008 - Deerfield, Massachusetts - AP John Carney was dumping a load of brush at the local waste transfer station last week when he noticed a man's gold wedding band partially buried in the sand. Intrigued by the ''Ed and Linda'' and ''June 9, 1996'' engravings inside the band, Carney decided to do some detective work. With the help of local librarians, the 57-year-old South Deerfield man went through the Deerfield town report for 1996 and looked up weddings. He found a listing for Ed and Linda LaCoille on June 9 of that year. Last week, he returned the ring to the LaCoilles' house. Ed Lacoille had lost the ring more than six months ago. ''I never expected to find it again,'' Linda LaCoille said. ''It was amazing.'' LaCoille said he recently lost weight, which may explain why the ring keeps slipping off his finger. He's keeping it in a box now until he can get it resized. http://www.happynews.com/news/1092007/m ... d-time.htm

A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was. His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again. After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said, "And you thought I was having a good time."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Start Your Day With a List To stay organized, get a spiral notebook and start making lists. Start by writing today's date followed by everything you need to do that day. As you finish items, cross them out with a single line, so you can still read what it said. Anything that is still on the list at the end of the day, goes on the top of the next day. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Mirror, mirror on the wall, Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look just too tight? I think I'm fine but I can see you won't co-operate with me; The way you let the shadows play, You'd think my hair was getting grey What's that, you say? A double chin? No, that's the way the light comes in; If you persist in peering so, You'll confiscate my facial glow, And then if you're not hanging straight, You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight; I'm really quite upset with you, For giving this distorted view; I hate you being smug and wise... O, look what's happened to my thighs! I warn you now, O mirrored wall, Since we're not on speaking terms at all, If I look like this in my new jeans, You'll find yourself in smithereens!!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Smurfs: 50th birthday!
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Dear Webby, how do I reset the Admin password in Windows? 

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Good Morning, ! Monday, January 14, 2008
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. --- Doug Larson
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Two voices, male and female, on an overnight "red eye" plane flight. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty. No ones is looking. You go in first" "It a bit cramped, let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on" Sniff sniff "Ah perfume you think of everything" "This is great..." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the fake smoke detector!" ------------- Frequent fliers know that airplane toilets have "fart extractors", the smelly air is suckd down the toilet and allowed to escape to the thin air outside. By bending low over the toilet, as if praying to Ralph, the god of drunks, you can have that smelly cigarette, that is between going berserk and relaxed calmness. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the FBI confidential funds department Who's in charge of phone bills? January 11, 2008 - Washington - UPI The FBI has failed to pay phone bills on time, causing telecommunication firms to temporarily cut off wiretaps used for terrorism investigations, an audit found. In a review of the FBI's handling of special funds used for secret operations, the Justice Department's inspector general found an archaic payment system that goes through disorganized third-party offices. A summary of the audit released Thursday noted that a telecommunication specialist pled guilty in June 2006 to stealing more than 25,000 dollars in confidential funds. The audit found that the employee had taken advantage of the FBI's mismanagement of bills to steal money from refund checks, as the agency even has trouble cashing refunds from overpaid bills. The audit concluded that the Federal Bureau of Investigation was particularly bad about paying phone bills by their due date. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080111/o ... us_spy_fbi
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Lost Win 2000 Admin password Dear Webby, I am having a problem with my computer. Windows 2000 Pro will not accept the administrative password that has been acceptable for the past four years. What suggestions do you have for solving this problem? Thanks, Bob Dear Bob Somebody must have accidentally changed it, or let it expire, like Microsoft wants it to, in order of reminding you that it is time to buy new software from them. I found this remedy: Reset Password Have FUN! DearWebby
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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

Deeli's Kudos January 13, 2008 - Vernon, B.C. - Canadian Press A 10 year -old is being credited with halting what had the potential to be a mini crime wave in Vernon, B.C. The youngster was among two families renting a chalet at the Silver Star Mountain ski resort near Vernon. Both families were victimized when someone apparently used the proper code to open the door of their chalet and made off with numerous items ranging from passports to cash, computers and sunglasses. The description of the suspect was passed to the robbery victims and the 10-year-old quickly recognized the man as part of the cleaning crew working in the suite when the families arrived at the chalet. Officers traced the man through the cleaning company, recovered all the stolen items at the his home and are continuing their investigation. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... kid_sleuth

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. "We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Acron, Ohio."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Video Tapes Be careful that your video and camcorder tapes are stored away from electronics that have a magnetic field, like stereo speakers and TV's. Store your tapes somewhere dry and room temperature (60-70 F). Consider having a backup created on DVD of irreplaceable home movies. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Bowling Ball Art
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Dear Webby: Extend range of cell phone 

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Good Morning, ! Sunday, January 13, 2008
Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view. --- Lillian Hellman
A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Amazon who had never recorded a baptism, confirm- ation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every couple that walked by and desired such. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives...!"
While attending a convention, I breakfasted in a cafe, next to two gray-haired men from the same symposium. I overheard one remark, "You know, this is the first time in 40 years we've gone to one of these without our wives." His pal leaned back, contemplating what such freedom might portend. "I know," he said, laying his menu aside. "Let's have biscuits and gravy!"

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Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an "ID ten T" error." A puzzled expression ran over Judy's face. "An "ID ten T" error? What's that?.. in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an "ID ten T" error before?" "No," replied Judy. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." She wrote..... I D 1 0 T Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare, in Manhattan Danger to himself January 9, 2008 - New York - AP Two men wheeled a dead man through the streets in an office chair to a check-cashing store and tried to cash his Social Security check before being arrested on fraud charges, police said. David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare pushed Virgilio Cintron's body from the Manhattan apartment that O'Hare and Cintron shared to Pay-O-Matic, about a block away. The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him. A police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next to the check-cashing store noticed a crowd forming around Cintron's body and called the local precinct. Uniformed police and EMT's arrived as O'Hare and Dalaia were preparing to wheel Cintron's body into the check-cashing store. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080109/D8U24GJ80.html
Thanks to Arturos for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Remote Cellphone Access Dear Webby, We live in a very remote area where it is difficult to use a cell phone. Do you know if an outside antenna would help and if so which one? Enjoy your tech support every day, Thank you, Nita Dear Nita You need more than just an antenna. You need a base station transceiver, which doesn't just improve the incoming signal, but also boosts the outgoing signal. I installed a few of them in the 80's in the Yukon, for people who live outside the range of the cell towers. The first step is to contact your cell provider and ask them which brand and model of base station to use with their signal and at your location. Mobile cell phones are strictly limited as to how much power they are allowed to transmit, but with fixed base stations located out of normal range, you are allowed to exceed that a bit. You probably won't get a lot of cooperation, because too many people have abused remote base station transceivers to increase their downtown traffic talking power, and given them a bad name. If you don't get any useful advice from your cell provider, contact the people at CellPhoneSolutions. Their booster is at http://www.cellphoneantennas.com/booster1.html It is said to "move" you 20 Miles closer to the cell tower. You can call them at (866) 591-8313 Have FUN! DearWebby
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During our Marine boot-camp class on combat gear, the drill instructor told us to put on the equipment we had been issued; then he would inspect us. Soon after, a frantic recruit, helmet liner in hand, ran up to the DI. "Sir," he began, "the private's helmet liner does not fit the private's head, sir." The DI, obviously perturbed that the recruit hadn't listened to his instructions on how to adjust the liner, looked into the Marine's face. "Okay, private," he said. "This is what I want you to do. Go into the gear locker, find a new head to fit your helmet liner and use that one!"

Deeli's Kudos January 3, 2007 - New York - AP Doctors say they have never seen anything like it. A window washer who fell 47 stories from the roof of a Manhattan skyscraper is now awake, talking to his family and expected to walk again. Thirty-seven-year-old Alcides Moreno plummeted more than 150 metres in a Dec. 7 scaffolding collapse that killed his brother. Somehow, Moreno lived, and doctors at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center announced today that his recovery has been astonishing. He has movement in all his limbs, is breathing on his own and on Christmas Day, he opened his mouth and spoke for the first time since the accident. His wife, Rosario Moreno, says her husband keeps telling her that it just wasn't his time. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... l_survivor

A missionary recruit goes to Venezuela for the first time, struggling with the language. He visits one of the local churches and sits in the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decides to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He decides to follow the man sitting next to him in the front pew. As they sing, the man claps his hands, so the missionary recruit claps, too. When the man stands up to pray, the missionary recruit stands up, too. When the man sits down, the missionary sits down. Later in the service, the man next to him stands up again, so the missionary stands up, too. Suddenly a hush falls over the entire congregation. A few people gasp. The missionary looks around and sees that no one else is standing. So he sits down. After the service ends, the missionary recruit greets the preacher. "I take it you don't speak Spanish," the preacher says. The missionary replies, "No, I don't. It's that obvious?" "Well yes," the preacher says. "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy, and I asked the proud father to please stand up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Monthly Resolutions Most people don't succeed with their New Year's resolutions. Try starting smaller, with weekly or monthly resolutions. If you are trying to cut down on fast food, commit yourself to not eating out for a month. It can be easier to achieve goals when the finish isn't so far in the future. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, Sir."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: No right click 

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Good Morning, ! Saturday, January 12, 2008
You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. --- Henry Ford The man or woman who treasures his friends is usually solid gold himself. ---Marjorie Holmes
Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of prunes, please?" The clerk replied, "Dried, canned or frozen?"
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow." The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

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A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a klutzy shoplifter in Grand Rapids, Michigan Danger to himself January 10, 2008 - Grand Rapids, Michigan - AP A man who hid hunting knives in his pants to try to steal them from a western Michigan store tripped while fleeing and stabbed himself in the abdomen, police say. The suspect was hospitalized after Monday night's attempted theft from a Meijer Inc. superstore in Grand Rapids and is expected to face a misdemeanor shoplifting charge, police say. The man had put about $300 worth of hunting knives in his waistband and as he tried to leave the store Meijer employees confronted him and a scuffle followed. The man then fell and was stabbed by the knives he had hidden in his clothing, police said. Police said the suspect has a record of retail fraud. http://wcco.com/watercooler/knives.robb ... 25954.html
Thanks to Niki for these pictures: Hi Webby, I have been a fan of your emails for many years now and just a silent reader. But I finally have something worth sharing to your readers. Attached is some pictures for you to choose from to post of a cute humming bird that has moved in just outside our office. I'l send you updated pictures when the eggs hatch. Niki
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helene Re: No Right Click Dear Webby, Although I disagree with most of your political & social beliefs, your letter is really addictive and, hate to admit this, but enjoy -- a lot. So, thanks. Before I go through an elaborate process, any hints about what causes the right button of a mouse to suddenly stop functioning? It worked fine yesterday. Appreciate any advice. Helene Dear Helene First go into Settings, Control Panel, Mouse, Buttons and make sure that right clicking has not been turned off by some left-wing liberal program. If that is OK, shake and bash the mouse on the table. Don't be too gentle, except with the mouse cord. Make sure that there won't be any strain on the mouse cord during that. If that does not help either, replace the mouse. They are not made to last forever. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Manure," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Deeli's Kudos A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, 'Marian, Marian!' Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, 'You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know.' 'I know,' said the child, 'but the store is full of mothers.' January 10, 2008 - Buesum, Germany - News.com.au The owner of a small German computer company has fired three non-smoking workers because they were threatening to disturb the peace after they requested a smoke-free environment. The manager of the 10-person IT company in Buesum, named Thomas J, told the Hamburger Morgenpost newspaper he had fired the trio because their non-smoking was causing disruptions. Germany introduced non-smoking rules in pubs and restaurants on January 1, but Germans working in small offices are still allowed to smoke. "I can't be bothered with trouble-makers," Thomas was quoted saying. "We're on the phone all the time and it's just easier to work while smoking. Everyone picks on smokers these days. It's time for revenge. I'm only going to hire smokers from now on." http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23 ... 62,00.html

A customer at Goldblatt's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Goldblatt, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Goldblatt replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Goldblatt. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting, and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough of them," says Goldblatt. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Goldblatt," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Goldblatt. "You're smarter already."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Eat Half Your Entree Restaurant serving sizes are often more than a person can or should eat. Try this: as soon as the server sets down a plate, divide your meal in half. Eat half at the restaurant and take the other half home to eat for lunch the following day. Denny's Restaurants tend to get carried away a bit, in some towns. Here is a picture of my dad when I took him into Dennys for a well deserved Banana Split in Barstow. We had been driving and running through the desert all day, taking pictures of cacti, but that was too much. Dennys also gets quite carried away with their Chef Salad. You can eat one normal portion and have enough left over to take home for side salads for four people the next day. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Bumper Stickers
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Dear Webby: Wandering Arrow 

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Good Morning, ! Friday, January 11, 2008 Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. --- Nancy Reagan Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. --- John Russell
David was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary. “David!! David!! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?” David put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby- sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you clowns asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

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Thanks to Mary for this: When you get angry it's because you're ill-tempered... It just happens that my nerves are bothering me. When you don't like someone it's because you're prejudiced... I just happen to be a good judge of human nature. When you compliment people it's because you use flattery to get your way... I only encourage people. When you take a long time to do a job it's because you're unbearable slow and pokey... I take a long time because I believe in quality workmanship. When you spend your paycheck in 24 hours, it's because you're a spendthrift... When I do, it's because I'm generous. When you stay in bed until 11 A.M., it's because you're a lazy good-for-nothing bum... When I stay in bed a little longer, it's because I'm totally exhausted. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a hotel in Auckland, new Zealand Total lack of security January 9, 2008 - Auckland, New Zealand - UPI A con man pretending to be an intoxicated guest tricked the staff at a New Zealand hotel into giving him a room key that he used to rob an entire family. Evelyn Black said her family had been eating dinner one night in Auckland when an unidentified man falsely identified himself as a member of their family and was given the key to their room. "He came to the desk clearly intoxicated, although we think now that may have been part of his con game. He said, 'I'm Black. Can I have my room key?" Black said that without asking for identification, hotel staff gave the man a key to the family's room, and the mistake resulted in the family losing all its valuables, including a computer and even their passports. The Canadian family was able to get new travel documents and return home, but Black told the Herald she was upset with the hotel staff's performance. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-284034-703953
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: I want one of them, blue on one side, and green on the other!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joyce Re: Wandering Arrow Dear Webby, I hope you can help me.I thought i seen it once on here & forgot to save it. What a ninnie i was there. OK when i am just reading or browesing pages my arrow just takes off. How can i stop it from doing that, but i need step by step instrustion, or i can't do it cause i am a ninnie & my daughter don't like helping. Love your letter every morning Thank You Joyce Dear Joyce The ninnie is your daughter for not helping. The mouse arrow taking off is usually not due to a program setting, but to too much shiny wax on your desk. Use a mouse pad, or some paper, that is not glossy, as a mouse pad. If that does not help, replace the mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Deeli's Kudos January 9, 2008 - Des Moines, Iowa - Des Moines Register Thanks to Dave for this submission After finding alcohol in her son's car, Jane Hambleton decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. The ad reads: "OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom, who needs to get a life, found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet." The 48-year-old from Fort Dodge says she has fielded more than 70 telephone calls from emergency room technicians, nurses, school counselors and even a Georgia man who wanted to congratulate her. The car has been sold, but Hambleton says she will continue the ad for another week — just for the feedback. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080109/ap_ ... odd_car_ad

Sam had proposed to young Anni, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked Sam the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I'm sure that I am." "Think long and carefully now," said Anni's father. "There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bank Those Savings for Next Christmas When I save money by using coupons or buying something on sale, I put the saved money into a savings account. By the end of the year I have enough money in the account to pay for Christmas presents without having to go into debt. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 2007 Darwin Awards
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Dear Webby: Occasional printing 

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Good Morning, ! Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it. --- David Starr Jordan
Thanks to Sandie for this story: At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight. When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

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Thanks to Susan for this story: A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses. Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an Sniveling Ninnies January 9, 2008 - Washington - UPI The U.S. Supreme Court heard argument Wednesday on whether a law requiring a photo ID for voting is an unconstitutional burden on the poor. Democrats are challenging an Indiana law requiring a photo ID, such as a driver's license or passport, to vote. Indiana voters showing up at the polls without a photo ID are only allowed to cast provisional ballots and then must show officials a photo ID later in order for the ballot to be counted. Democrats argue that the photo ID requirement is a thinly disguised effort to discourage voting among the poor, the elderly and minorities, those least likely to have the IDs, Republicans argue that photo IDs are essential to cut down on voter fraud by illegal aliens and others. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-285565-715827 ------------------------- Why don't they just tell them that they can't cash in winning lottery tickets without picture ID. The problem will be solved overnight.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Careful what you teach them!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Armond Re: Occasional priting Dear Webby, I only use my printer for one week every quarter year, but then print quite a lot. After sitting for three months, even fresh name brand cartridges are dead. Is there a way to keep them from dying in the meantime? Would it help to take them out and put them into the freezer? Armond Dear Armond The freezer will destroy them for sure. Wrapping them tightly with Saran wrap, or similar stretch film wrap, may help occasionally, with some brands, but is not really a reliable solution. Especially if you 'print quite a lot', get a laser printer. Laser printers are cheaper per page, and since the toner that they use instead of ink, is a dry powder, it does not make any difference how long it sits between print jobs. A Laser takes 5 - 10 seconds to warm up after cold hibernation, but it does not care if the hibernation was during lunch hour or a few years. Once warmed up, it will print quite a bit faster than an inkjet printer. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor. One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

Deeli's Kudos January 8, 2008 - Albuquerque, New Mexico - UPI Six members of two families who disappeared on a snowmobiling trip have been found safe in Colorado near the New Mexico state line. The Groen and Martin families of Farmington, N.M., broke into a cabin in Colorado's San Luis Valley Friday to survive and stayed put. "We just stayed in the cabin. It was safe. We were aware there would be people looking out for us. We didn't want to split up and take unnecessary risks," said Jason Groen, one of those rescued. Authorities said the families did the right thing to survive. "We were confident we would find them. It was just impossible to get to them Saturday or Sunday because it was snowing so hard," said Conejos County Sheriff Robert Gurule. The family members managed to call authorities soon after search crews left to look for them once avalanche threats in northern New Mexico and southern Colorado had passed. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-284529-635428

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong. She must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The vicar spoke to Jane in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 1empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Old Toothbrushes Save old toothbrushes to use in your cleaning kit and tool box. Hard bristled toothbrushes work well for cleaning stubborn grout or hard to reach places. Soft bristled toothbrushes are effective on jewelry. They are useful for a variety of cleaning jobs. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Sound Effects
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby





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