Auto-responders 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, February 28, 2010

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. --- Johnny Carson There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. --- Edmund Wilson
Thanks to Connie for this one: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers you or your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I wish I was a bear.
On my first day of school my parents told me to go to the nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes, having a great time. It's too bad they got more specific about which nursery, when there was no semester report card.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a man in Fort Worth, Texas Man "got to jail tired" HOUSTON -- A man was arrested Monday after a wild police chase in North Texas. Police said it started in Fort Worth where an officer tried to make a routine traffic stop, but the driver took off instead. During the chase the suspect drove through grass and rear-ended another vehicle, but kept on driving all the way through the nearby town of Granbury, police said. He eventually jumped out of his moving vehicle, and then jumped over a nearby guard rail, then took off running before finally falling down. On the movie it looks like he stepped into a gopher hole and twisted his ankle. That’s when a whole bunch of officers jumped on him and arrested the man. Investigators say the man ran because he was wanted for violating parole on a burglary charge. He now faces a whole bunch more charges, including evading arrest. Movie of the chase and arrest is at http://snipurl.com/uk4ri
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Char Re: Auto-responders Dear Webby; Didn't you on a few occasions mention that auto-responders are a dumb idea? I mean the useless kind, that just tell you that somebody is out of the office, when you send them stuff they had requested. I am taking a business related weekend course, and the instructor told us to use an auto-responder like that, to show we are efficient. I think she is NUTS! You settle that! Thanks Char Dear Char Yes, you are right. I have mentioned auto-responders many times. It doesn't make you look efficient. It makes you look like a whiney nuisance. I also wrote about them on No Sub ? Just scroll down to the Auto-responders topic. In a brief summary, unsolicited Auto-Snivel about not being at work is automatic SPAM! In many cases, that causes your email address to be blacklisted, and ALL future mail from you is dumped into the trash, unseen. Don't be a nuisance, annoying your clients and friends with Auto-Snivel. Simply answer the mail when you get back to work. Have FUN! DearWebby
According to George, home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Helping Others Run Errands I live very close to my mother in law, and we also have a couple of elders that live close to us. So we have a day for each person to do the running around for the whole group. Like going to the store, pharmacy, and to pay bills. I am sure that some people already do this, but maybe some of the younger people have not heard of this. Plus it gives us a chance to catch up on friendships, and look in on the elders. By Connie from Colt, AK Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Woman cleaning fish at sink to angler husband: "Why can't you be like other men? They just get drunk and never catch any stupid, slimy fish!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary. " What's is in for ?", asked the Governor. " For stealing a ham." " That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" " No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy." " Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?" " No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth." " Why would you want a man like that out of prison?" " Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."

» Fur and Feathers
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Weird symbols in emails and in online articles 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, February 27, 2010

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use. --- Soren Kierkegaard The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. --- Nancy Astor
Sign at the church: Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Allen Milton Hardman, 40, in Solona, Florida Man accused of growing pot in mom's closet Allen Milton Hardman, 40, was taken to the Charlotte County Jail on possession of marijuana charges. Acting on a tip, deputies found 42 marijuana plants in Hardman's mother's home at 2422 Dixie Avenue, Unit 1, in Solona. Hardman's mother told deputies he started growing the plants about three weeks ago, according to a Charlotte County Sheriff's Office report. She also said she saw him install additional lights and aluminum foil in the closet. Deputies say Hardman had been staying with his mother since he was released from prison in August 2009. Authorities additionally found marijuana seeds while searching the home, the report said. Hardman was charged with Cultivation of Marijuana, Possesion of Marijuana over 20 grams, and Possession of Drug Paraphernalia. He remained in jail without bond Thursday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Andrew Re: Weird characters in mail and articles Dear Webby; Lately I see more and more weird and wacky characters in mail and on-line articles, especially since my grand-daughter subscribed to some left-wing do-gooder outfit. Is that due to declining education and some states considering 40% a passing grade, and only grade attendance, or is it some kind of secret left-wing code, that they use like a secret handshake to identify themselves to each other? Andrew Dear Andrew Relax! It is not a left-wing conspiracy. It is simply a sign that the gene pool needs more chlorine. It has been proven that people with an IQ lower than turnips rarely, if ever, proofread their blather or check how the output appears to readers. They just blurt. If those people use Microsoft Word to do their writing, as it is by default, then it uses "curly" (faggy) quotes instead of straight quotes, and various other thilly things. Now, if those people send from Microsoft Word straight to Microsoft Outlook or any standard email program, or upload it to the web, all the thilly stuff turns into question marks, TradeMark symbols and all the inappropriate stuff, that you referred to. They could, of course, easily turn off that "feature", but apparently can't be bothered. Microsoft Word is the only program with that "feature". That problem is nothing new. It goes back to before the Internet, to the Great Word Processor Wars, when Word Perfect and Microsoft Word were battling about who could add more features and gimmicks, and the computer magazine writers egged them on to get sillier and sillier. Here is a bit of Trivia about those days: While you were on hold, waiting for support, Word Perfect had a LIVE DJ playing pretty hot tunes instead of elevator music, and updating expected wait times like they were sports scores. And you could cruise their "Campus" with a Dungeons-and-Dragons style virtual tour, look into rooms and browse their quite impressive campus art gallery. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're standing before their sergeant: "How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?" "Well, Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance." "Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I know you turkeys got good and drunk, but I doubt you got drunk enough on YOUR salary to wind up in the opera!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Blank Sides of Paper for Printing If you use a lot of paper printing information from the internet, you can save on paper by using the blank side of handouts from work and school. By Tammy from Udall, KS We use ClickBook now for about a dozen or more years. When I want to turn an e-book into a paperback for easy reading on an airplane, or if I just want to save paper on a long contract, or if I need a special format like Tri-Fold brochures, I select "Clickbook" as the printer. In there I select one of nearly 200 pre-defined formats, and let it rip. When it has finished printing one side, a screen pops up telling me to drop the printed stuff from the output tray straight down, without flipping or turning, into the Input tray and hit OK. Then it prints the back sides. When done, I shoot some staples and fold the whole stack. Done. All pages are perfectly lined up. If you select Paperback, it puts a 100 page ebook onto 25 sheets of paper. That cuts your paper and toner / ink expenses to a quarter! You can even print refils for Daytimers, Franklin Day-Planners, or any other planner with proprietary format and expensive refills. The paper makers will hate me for telling you this, but if you print, get ClickBook By the way, it is cheaper now than it was in 97, when I bought mine, but I am sure glad I didn not wait with buying it! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned- out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process. LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth. LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you? SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.... PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."

» Abstract Art
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Can I use Open Office instead of Works? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, February 26, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, And toss them on the wheels of Chance. --- Juvenal We are the people our parents warned us about. --- Jimmy Buffett
An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American. "You know," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher." "Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from. The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stefanie Vargas, 19, and a 13 year old boy in Daytona Beach, Florida Thieves overheard on 911 DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Police say two Florida teenagers are facing charges after 911 dispatchers heard them talking about breaking into cars when one teen's cell phone accidentally called 911 during a heist. Daytona Beach police say 19-year-old Stefanie Vargas and a 13-year-old boy are charged with burglary to a conveyance. Police spokesman Jimmie Flynt says dispatchers listened as the pair discussed what was worth taking while rummaging though a vehicle parked near a Daytona Beach nightclub early Sunday. Officers went to the area and spotted the boy inside a vehicle. A police report says the pair tried to flee in a sport utility vehicle driven by Vargas. The report says both admitted to the robbery. It's unclear how the number got dialed.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Can I use Open Office instead of Works? Dear Webby; I love your letter & the pics you send. Your tech dept has bee a source of great help at time also. Thanks so much. I had to have my pc reformatted just yesterday. Some of my files were saved. But I tried to reinstall my Microsoft Works Suite. Now I cannot bring up a blank word document. You have talked about an "Open Office" program I think. Does that have a similar blank word document? I do a weekly mission prayer list & usually save it & make necessary changes each week. That way I don't have to start over. can you help me? I would appreciate it. Thanks, Sharon Dear Sharon Open Office from http://www.openoffice.org/ definitely has word processing, spreadsheets, and a whole bunch of other stuff included. Basically, it's the same as the $550 Microsoft Office plus a few extras. You can even take a PPS apart, change the smart-ass captions and overlays into suitably motivational ones, or if they are too sappy, tone them down a bit. Industry and Commerce love it, all the way to the bank and home again! Wouldn't you, if you saved $550 each on ten thousand computers? The Governments of most countries, except the US have already switched to Open Office, including their state, county and town offices. So, by all means download and install it. If you are on slow dial-up, ask a neighbor, who has high speed, to download it and burn it onto a CD for you. It IS rather big, after all, it is the equivalent of the big Microsoft Office plus some extras. In Open Office, select Writer, New and start. Set your margins, fonts, headers, footers, etc. and start writing. Save it, print it, send it, whatever. Next time select Writer, Open, choose the file you want to open, and edit it. You'll be used to it in no time flat. It also has a full featured spreadsheet included with the capability to make all kinds of neat scientific looking graphs, do a budget, payroll, the works. Have FUN! DearWebby
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Be Wary of Snakes in Mulch Do not grab handfuls of mulch. Dump it out on the ground and rake through it. They have found snakes (copper heads) and other critters in the mulch still alive. By Kelly from Lexington, KY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jill wanted to convince Susan, a continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. She invited her to dinner and, while she was busy cooking, Susan agreed to watch her videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed Jill the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," Jill replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured her. "I put it on fast-forward."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all." So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!" The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!"'

» Horny Toads
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IE&, IE8, SP3 Blockers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, February 25, 2010


All you have to do is know where you're going. The answers will come to you of their own accord. --- Earl Nightingale Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them. --- Dr. Martin Henry Fischer
The pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever"messages. He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the "good part," when a member of his congregation died. Rushing to his office, he dialed 911. When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out 51 people before they finally got one who didn't wake up when they got him to fresh air.
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: "Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$%$@# up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a voice bellowed out from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Re yesterdays "Missing Dollar Joke: Put it into a spreadsheet or on a piece of paper, in two columns, Credit and Debit It becomes clear instantly. In the joke they just used governmentese to mix up credits and debits.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Florida Tax department Sent in by Deeli What have fact got to do with it? We got records! PORT ORANGE, Fla., Feb. 10 (UPI) -- A Florida man says the state is trying to force him to pay child support for a child, who was born when he was 7 years old. Rusty Cole, a National Guardsman from Port Orange, Fla., said his tax return was held up by the state because officials told him he owes support payments for a child born in 1995 -- when he himself was 7 yers old, Central Florida News 13 reported Wednesday. Cole said weeks of phone calls and office visits failed to yield any results. "They were like, 'Oh, yes, we have it on here that you are the father,' and I was like, 'Ma'am, there's no way,'" Cole said to News 13. He said an e-mail message to Gov. Charlie Crist finally yielded him an apology from the department of revenue and the promise that his return would be processed. However, Cole said he will not consider the matter closed until the return is in his hands and he is ensured it will not be a problem again. "I want this completely off my record," Cole told the television station. "I don't want this ever affecting me later on in life."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ronald Re: IE 7, 8, SP3 blockers Dear Webby I have always done the express install for Windows updates, so I am guessing that SP3 is installed on my hard drive. To Eileen you recommended that she get IE7, IE8, and SP3 blockers from the tool box. Will the blockers remove these items from my computer, or must I first eliminate them, and then install the blockers. If this is the case how do I go about removing them? I have been getting your newsletter since I got my first computer, and hooked it up to the net. I look forward to starting my day with it. You are absolutely the best on the web! Thank you for such a fantastic newsletter. There are none like it out there. Ronald Dear Ronald The blockers only block installation. They don't remove anything already installed. Removal can be tricky and is not consistent from one machine to another. If your machine runs OK with SP3, then don't worry. SP3 works OK on about 60% of computers, though it does seem to slow them down a little bit. With the other 40% you lose the use of peripherals like printers or cameras, etc. Same problem as with Vista, where they expected printer and peripheral makers to write new drivers for devices that had been sold and paid for years ago. So, if you didn't lose any peripherals, don't lose any sleep over it. As for IE7 and IE8, they have security problems and are a bit klutzy. Entire Governments have forbidden their employees to use them on Government computers. The same goes for Industry and Commerce. FireFox is better anyway, and for those, who need to be a bit different, there is Opera. If you do a lot of text reading, you can use Apple Safari for that. It's not much of a browser for anything else, but their text rendering is superb. You can run Safari safely side by side with FireFox. Have FUN! DearWebby
Q: What's the difference between Biology and Sociology? A: When the baby looks like the father, its Biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Bathroom Mirror as a Reminder Board When I am in the bathroom each morning putting my makeup on and doing my hair, I am always thinking of things I need to do (Dr. appt., errands to run, calls to make, gifts to get, birthday reminders, the list goes on) or stuff I need to buy at the store. One day I had a dry erase marker in my bathroom drawer (why I even put it there in the first place is beyond me). I got it out and began writing my thoughts on the mirror. Wow. this was a life saver for me! When I'm done in the bathroom I transfer the list to paper and put it in my purse immediately. If it is something that needs to be done around the house I leave it on the mirror until it is done (or if company is coming over, I write it down elsewhere). I hope this works well for you too! By Donna from Northlake, TX (Roanoke) Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The floppy drive is the drive below the beverage holder where you put those silvery beer coasters that AOL keeps sending! Even I knows that! Billy-Jean
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

» Merger Logos
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Mandrake and XP 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, February 24, 2010


New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. --- David Letterman It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. --- Eugene McCarthy
While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day. When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy paper bag. So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?" "I went home to get my pajamas!"
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"... Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christine Pratt, 67, of London, England Above the Prime Minister Christine Pratt, 67, of London, England, founder of the National Bullying Helpline pretty well destroyed it, when she blabbed and betrayed caller's confidentiality, while attacking the Prime Minister. She feels that telling people to do as they are told, instead of allowing them to advance their own agenda contrary to the agenda of the Prime Minister, is bullying. Since unelected Pratt considers herself to be above the Prime Minister, she badmouthed the Prime Minister and publicly mentioned calls to the Bullying Helpline by members of his staff. The four patrons responsible for funding and running the Helpline of course promptly resigned.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chas Re: Mandriva Dear Webby, can I install Mandriva 2009.1 alongside XP and how does a silver surfer do it? After reading all your letters and tips You Are "The Man" Chas Dear Chas Yes, you can most definitely run Mandriva and XP on the same machine. It partitions the hard drive into a Linux and a Windows partition, and you select at boot-up which OS you want to run. If you want to be able to reach into the Windows partition and fix Windows problems, or retrieve files from there, that CAN be set up. However, that is a bit advanced and best done by a buddy from a local LUG (Linux User Group) or MUG (Mandrake User Group) They are quite helpful and all they expect for their work is that you in turn also help newbies, once you are comfortable with Linux. I use Linux on all of our servers, except some heavy UNIX machines, however, those are all single OS machines without a Windows partition. The beauty of Linux and UNIX is that I can have hundreds of domain owners (users) work on the servers at the same time, and the machines don't crash or need a reboot for 3-4 years at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby
Bob took his 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night". As they were eating hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" He responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.He was quiet for a couple of minutes and obviously in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Crafty Cheats to Mend Clothes To mend clothes, I use hot glue, iron on patches or hemming tape. This saves me time and money. By Kathleen from Dothan, AL Another crafty cheat is to use Dental Floss for pants buttons or anything, that had to be mended once before. After a wash it blends in quite nicely, and it will outlast the garment, packsack or laptop case. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy or a CD inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an intel inside. How do I get that one out? "
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels. Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

» Arctic Ice
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Receiving and sending faxes from the computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, February 23, 2010


We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us. --- George Eliot Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery Well done is better than well said. --- Benjamin Franklin
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter if fact, Yes !" she replied. "I've been divorced seven times."
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture: Patiently waiting for supper
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to 3 teeage girls in Melbourne, Florida Train kills 3 teen girls hanging out on Florida bridge MELBOURNE, Fla. – Three teenage girls were joking around and taking pictures on a narrow bridge when they were hit by a train, killing them as a friend watched helplessly, police and a witness said Sunday. The girls and the fourth teenager, a boy, had been hanging out in Melbourne's downtown area — known for its shops and nightclubs, when they decided to cross the trestle around 6:30 p.m. Saturday, Lt. Curtis Barger said. Their parents had dropped them off at a mall, and then they took a bus downtown where they were "just goofing off," he said. The boy yelled for the girls to run when he saw the train approach, then told them to jump, Barger said. Crane Creek, about 20 feet below the bridge, is slow-moving and about 10 feet deep. The girls decided not to jump. Bruce Dumas, 53, said he was fishing in Crane Creek, about 20 feet under the bridge, when he saw the teens walk onto the trestle around sunset. He warned them to be careful, but he said he didn't pay much attention to them after that. "You know how kids are," Dumas said. "They probably wanted pictures of themselves on the track." The girls were about midway across when the train barreled down the tracks, blowing its whistle continuously, he said. Dumas said he could hear the sound of the brakes. After the impact, he heard a girl screaming and crying. The teens could have jumped onto an old, rusty trestle next to one they were on, though it was unclear why they didn't. Barger said all the teens were from the area, but their identities weren't likely to be released until Monday, after officials can compare dental records. On Sunday morning, there was little evidence of the tragedy. A concrete post says, "Private property, no trespassing." Another sign has fallen onto the ground and was covered in gravel, and a third was twisted and difficult to see. Graffiti with the words "more love," with the "o" in the shape of a heart was on the bridge. Andy Ziegler, a member of the Brevard County school board, said teens have painted graffiti on the bridge for the past three decades, but he had never before heard of accident there. John Vallee, 54, lives near the trestle and was watching TV when he heard a loud screech. He told the Florida Today newspaper he went outside and first thought he saw a blanket tangled under a rail car. Then he realized it was a person. "It's going to be hard for me to get to sleep," Vallee told Florida Today. "I can't get it out of my mind." Authorities in Melbourne, a city of about 77,000 nearly 50 miles southeast of Orlando, are investigating. Christine Davis, a spokeswoman for the Brevard Public Schools, said counseling will be offered to students and faculty if the teens are identified as students in the district. The track is owned by the Florida East Coast Railway, which operates about 350 miles of track along the state's east coast. Railway officials did not immediately return calls for comment. The train had slowed down enough already, so that the girls were not killed instantly and were heard screaming briefly after the impact. They had not been physically handicapped and would have had ample time to jump onto the old trestle or into the creek. Though suspected, there was no official announcement that they had been under the influence of something.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Francesca Re: Fax server Dear Webby, we need to switch to accepting faxes via computer to stop wasting paper on junk faxes.One company offered a fax server for $6500. Isn't that a bit excessive? We only need it to accept faxes, and maybe once or twice a month send out one fax to just one number. Francesca Dear Francesca In the early 90's I used to use a 386 with Windows 3.1 and Winfax for exactly that. ANY old klunker will be able to do that. With XP there is even a fax machine program included. There is an excellent article about how to set it up by Sharon Crawford from 2002, that probably has been used by Millions of people to set up their fax. It is at Faxing in XP There are also lots of free and nearly free fax programs on the net, that do the same with more colorful menus, and some are for fax broadcasting to a client list. Before the Internet, I used to send out the Humor Letter that way. With an XP, you can easily run the fax in the background and don't need a separate machine for it. The only time you do need a separate machine is when you use your computer as an answering machine and phone call manager on a number that is different than the fax number. The modem can only listen for calls or faxes on one number. If you have different numbers, get a yard sale klunker, format and re-install XP, put a word processor and a basic graphics program on it, and set up the fax. Have FUN! DearWebby
One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered. "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing Burned Soups I usually use my slow cooker to make big pots of stew, soups, sauces and vegetables because I can leave it and not worry about the bottom sticking. However, there are times when I'm cooking up a large amount that requires a larger pot for guests or so I have leftovers to freeze. Countless times, I have not been as watchful as I should have been, or I simply misjudged the effect of the heat on my stove. After once again scorching the bottom of a batch of soup, I decided to do something a bit different and it made a BIG difference. I used the same stockpot in which I had previously ruined the soup, but decided to put the larger steamer/pasta basket drainer in to keep the food from directly touching the bottom of the pot. I first browned the meat and then put it and the remaining ingredients in, turned it on low and solved the problem! It really works. Hope some of you can use this tip. By Sandy from Elon, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man dies and goes to heaven, and Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him, and Saint Peter says, "Oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you, so you can all be together." He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless". They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers," replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "We must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound." They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room. "Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

» Dolphins Surfing
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Installing XP over Vista 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, February 22, 2010


Everything that's really worthwhile in life comes to us. --- Earl Nightingale I don't really trust a sane person. --- Lyle Alzado
At the mall a little girl climbed onto the Easter Bunny's lap, the computerized bunny asked the usual, "And what would you like for Easter?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "But, but, didn't you get my E-mail?"
HUNGARY - Two thirsty little chimp escaped from their cage after the lock had been removed by an unknown person. The chimps allegedly attacked a 60-year-old woman who tried to hinder their escape and later wrestled with a man who tried to grab them in Budapest. Fire officers were able to recapture Johnny by feeding him beers until he passed out. Zsiga was knocked out cold after running head on into a glass door. According to the chimps' trainer, Lajos Korosi, "They both have very sore heads and we are leaving them to take their bad tempers out on each other for a few days."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: Draft core of the Winter End Bonfire. To the left of the stack you see the "Witch of Winter", which is placed onto the pipe extending past the tree on top. That guy crouched in front of the witch is not fixing her virginity. He is checking the keg of gunpowder under her skirt. When the flames reach high enough to ignite the fuses under the skirt of the witch and she blows up with a mighty boom, that's the official and traditional end of winter. Once the witch is up, folks used to bring anything burnable from leftover firewood to old couches, and all that is carefully piled around the draft core to build a nice, fat cone that burns many hours, while the village parties around it. Beer, cider, brass band, the works. Nowadays, my dad told me, they just have the draft core alone, for a very quick fire, because people need to get back to their TVs, and burning garbage and a winter's left-over cardboard and stuff, would not be politically correct. There used to be quite a bit of rivalry between the villages as to who has the biggest bonfire and the loudest boom, and just as traditional are attempts to set other villages' bonfire off the night before Bonfire Sunday. Once, when I was about 10, the bonfire in our village got set off Saturday night. The village and some construction companies and sawmills chiped in, and we built the biggest ever bonfire in one day. Big picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dominik Podolsky, 22, of Munich, Germany. Stranded snowboarder burnt cash A snowboarder stranded in the Alps for six hours was rescued after attracting attention by setting fire to his money. Dominik Podolsky, 22, of Munich, was stuck after the ski lift was switched off at dusk in Hochzillertal, Austria, reports the BBC. As darkness fell and the temperature dropped to -18C, he began to burn paper handkerchiefs and the contents of his wallet with a cigarette lighter. He started with restaurant bills and business cards before he was finally spotted by ski lift cleaners as he burned the last of his euros. Mr Podolsky was taking the UP-ONLY lift down a mountain in Austria, instead of snowboarding down like everybody else, when he became trapped about 10m (33ft) above ground. He had forgotten his mobile phone and his shouts for help were not heard. "I thought about jumping down, but then I'd have probably broken both legs and would have frozen to death," Mr Podolsky told reporters. Snow there is currently about 3 feet deep. He used techniques learned through military service to fight off hypothermia, but his limbs began to go numb and he kept falling asleep. After treatment in a local hospital for hypothermia, he was able to take a train home that night. Mr Podolsky says he is considering suing the company that operates the lift. A spokesman said it was not meant for downward trips and Podolsky had apparently deliberately ignored signs warning against boarding the downward side. Normal people pay to ride the lift UP, and then ski, snowboard or walk down the mountain. Webcams on that mountain are here: Webcams
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helene Re: Installing XP over Vista How very much I look forward to your column with all its great hints, info, great pics along with some unbelievable stories. Cudos to you: you call it like it is! Currenly am using (ugh) Windows Vista....but I still have my XP version right by my side. Any suggestions for just installing XP directly over Vista? Am not computer efficient, so would like to be prepared for any snags before beginning such a huge, slightly scary, process. Have contacted you about this before, but have yet screwed enough courage up to actually try it. H Dear Helene Just back up your keepers (music, pictures, mail, etc) ont one of the other machines or CD or DVD or the web. Then stick the XP CD in and format and install XP. Immediately install McAfee or any other reliable anti-virus program. The first few unprotected minutes are the most dangerous! Then make sure you get the SP3 blocker and IE7 and IE8 blockers from the Tool Box before you do a general update. That is all there is to it. You may have to run the set-up disks for printers, mouse, etc., but that's no big deal. Have FUN! DearWebby
A rich woman was giving a garden party with many wealthy guests in attendance. While the party was going on, two gardeners were doing yard work on the rear lawn. While one of the guests was watching him, one of the gardeners suddenly jumped into the air and performed numerous graceful swirling dance movements. The guest remarked to his hostess, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $100 to dance before all of the guests!" When the hostess asked the head gardener about making such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for $100 you could step on that rake once more?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vinegar to Control Dust and Mold Allergens My son is 7 and has suffered from asthma and lung problems since birth. When we have been to the hospital before we came home, the doctors gave me a cleaning tip to control dust and mold allergens, (anything that could cause a flare up). Use plain white distilled vinegar and water, you can use this through the house and it gives you a clean smell. By Rhonda from Spring Hope, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nun and a biker were standing in an elevator. Being the nice person that she was, she looked over at him, smiled and said: "T. G. I. M." The biker looked back at her and said: "S. H. I. T" The nun was shocked. She turned to the biker and said: "There was no reason to be rude, all I said was "Thank God It's Monday". The biker grinned at her and said: "Well you must have misunderstood me because all I said was, "Sorry Honey It's Tuesday"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to try to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story. "Was it a large brown cow with a white spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes!" "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the Farmer. "She only knows tractors and diesels but doesn't really have a clue about gasoline engines."

» Monochormatic Imagination
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Problems with Windows 7 on an old XP machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, February 21, 2010


The best way out is always through. --- Robert Frost Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. --- Evan Esar
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's four-year-old son had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I didn't go, He showed up!"
"So, your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank Heaven he's in bed!"
Thanks to my dad for this picture: These bloomed today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a hacker from Novorossiysk, Russia. Moscow porn hacker seized Police in Russia have arrested a hacker who caused gridlock by beaming a porn film on a giant billboard in central Moscow. An unemployed 40-year-old man from the Black Sea port of Novorossiysk has been detained for the offence, reports Kommersant daily. A special division of the Interior Ministry responsible for investigating IT crimes made the arrest, the newspaper reported. The 30ft by 20ft screen switched from screening ads to hardcore porn for 20 minutes on January 14, instantly bringing the city centre to a standstill. Drivers recorded the incident on their mobile phones and later uploaded it to YouTube where it became a massive hit. The man, whose name was not disclosed, reportedly admitted the crime but said he thought it would be shown on a screen in a shop in Moscow to a much smaller audience and would "entertain people". The man said he had hacked into a server of an organisation in Chechnya and changed the video in the playlist of the advertising agency from there. Thee man now faces up to two years in prison for unlawful access to computer information and unlawful distribution of pornography.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shonda Re: Windows 7 problems on XP machine I had a computer windows xp, that crashed on me, so I got a DELL WINDOWS 7 IGOT McAfee total protection 2010, but can't down load this Can you help me. Thank you Shonda Dear Shonda For anything related to Windows 7, you have to contact Microsoft Support. According to unconfirmed rumors, they just about got it figured out. Whoever talked you into putting Windows 7 onto an older XP machine, needs to be scalped. Your XP machine will never run satisfactorily with Windows 7 on it. It's like squeezing 20 fat politicians into one Corvette. Lots of noise, but very little progress. If you can't find the original XP CD of a DELL machine, you can usually buy it from DELL for around $25 plus shipping. My dad did that a couple of months ago. You can also buy a brand new XP Setup CD from http://tigerdirect.com for $89, and possibly even from Microsoft. Apparently they rather sell you an XP, than see you switch to Linux or Mac. Have FUN! DearWebby
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them. The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Go Through Coupons Before Entering the Store I always go through my coupons before I enter the grocery. I pick up those items first and then I can spend the rest of my time looking for the best price on the items I don't have coupons for. By Paula F. from Columbus, Ohio Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies. "Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

» Mark Twain
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Outlook Express and PowerPoint 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, February 20, 2010


The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. --- Henry Stimson Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. --- Ronald Reagan
An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Californian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Californian was waiting for the government to pay his."
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. --- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. --- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. --- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. --- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mr Park in Seoul, Korea Bogus mourner stole 1,200 pairs of shoes A second hand shoe shop owner stole more than 1,200 pairs of designer shoes by posing as a mourner in South Korea. His haul has been put on display by police in Seoul in the hope of reuniting as many as possible with their rightful owners, reports The Times. The 59-year-old thief, named only as Mr Park by police, had literally walked off with his booty from funeral homes and hospitals across the capital. His victims were the mourners who had slipped off their shoes out of respect, according to the national tradition. Park would take off his own footwear, pay his 'respects', then put on a more expensive pair and walk off. When police caught up with him after setting up a surveillance operation he led them to a warehouse stacked high with the expensive footwear that he used to boost his stock. Police had watched as he arrived, suitably dressed in black, at one funeral home in southern Seoul's Suseo district then removed his own cheap shoes - a custom observed by mourners visiting funeral homes in Asia. Then he made a brief appearance inside before leaving and slipping on a far more expensive pair. Police said they caught him stealing three pairs of shoes, altogether worth £1,120.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: D Re: Power Point and Outlook Express Hi, I'm not sure if I'm sending this to the right e-mail address or not, but please bear with me -- I only recently signed up for your newsletter and I don't know which address to use to direct a question to the Tech Support section of "Webby's Humor Letter." I don't have PowerPoint in my computer, never wanted it, but a couple of friends sometimes send me pps files. I received two just today. I downloaded a pps reader a year or so ago and it's in the Files listings as what's supposed to open any pps files, BUT it will not open any pps attachments in my e-mail program. I have to save the attachments, then move them to my Desktop and open them there. Is there any not too complicated or risky way to set it up so pps files can be opened in Outlook Express? I was going to e-mail you anyway to tell you how much I like your newsletters. In the 13 years we've had computers, I've tried many humor newsletters and yours is by far the best. Then today presented me with two new pps files and reminded me of a problem to present with my praise. Thank you. D. Dear D Hitting reply will get your letter to me just fine. PowerPoint and Outlook Express are both Microsoft products, and therefore won't talk to each other except through lawyers. That is also why, for example, items written in Microsoft Word and sent with Outlook Express, show weird characters. It also shows you instantly, which online news reporters passed their exams on their knees under somebody's desk. Just download Open Office. It's free. Open Office will open PPS and PPT files in editing mode. Hitting F5 will play the files. It is quite civilized. By the way, in editing mode you can save individual pictures without any fuss. Have FUN! DearWebby
One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach ? Broccoli ?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Child's Wagon to Haul Laundry Outside Carrying laundry baskets has become a major problem for me as well as the bending and hanging laundry due to fibromyalgia and back problems. But running a dryer isn't economical. So, I load two round baskets instead of using one large basket with my laundry to make them lighter and carry them out the door and put them in a children's wagon. The wagon holds both baskets. I attached a bungee cord to the handle to keep it upright when I am not hanging on to it. I then pull the wagon to the clothes line and hang up my laundry. No bending and minimal carrying. By Jackie from Nunda, NY I use a foldable laundry cart like this, and put the laundry hamper on top of it for fast and easy access without bending down. The ones with big wheels cost around $20, and are no problem at all getting over a door sill or even a few steps. Just tie the laundry hamper to it with some coathanger wire. When not in use, it folds flat. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?" ----------- Sure is different from when I was a young driver. In those days the old Pick-Ups that youngsters drove, all had a step on the outside of the pick-up box. Especially on Cannonball ralleys or the Alcan 2000 Mile races where we carried a couple of drums of fuel on the back, the spare driver used to climb outside and into the box, siphon gas from the drum into the tank, then climb back into the cab on the drivers side and take over as the driver slid over to the passenger side. That was no big deal then, however, with todays slower but much more crowded traffic I would not recommend stunts like that. Also, standing at the tailgate for getting rid of used coffee into the big dust cloud that you trail when driving a gravel road at 70 miles per hour, was OK then. Doing the same today on a paved freeway would probably get you arrested in most states.

» A Dilly
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Mystery Pop-Up pages 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, February 19, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. --- E. V. Lucas If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. --- Alfred North Whitehead
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked. "Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied. "What's it for?" asked the first boy. "I don't know," the second boy answered. "But if grown-ups stand on it, don't go near them for ten minutes. That thing makes them mad."
Thanks to Donna for sending this picture: More Snow in Texas, near Dallas. No Gullible warming there either.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to and the Lindy Matsko and the Lower Merion School District (PA) Big Brother (and Sister) need to go to jail According to the filings in Blake J Robbins v Lower Merion School District (PA) et al, the laptops issued to high-school students in the well-heeled Philly suburb have webcams that can be covertly activated by the schools' administrators, who have used this facility to spy on students and even their families. The issue came to light when the Robbins's daughter was disciplined for "improper behavior in his home" and Ms Lindy Matsko, the Vice Principal used a photo taken by the webcam as evidence. The suit is a class action, brought on behalf of all students issued with these machines. The lawsuit can be viewed here, at this link. As you can probably imagine, the 1500 affected students and their parents are extremely upset.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donny Re: Mystery Pop-Up pages Dear Webby, Since yesterday I have been getting website pages (pop-ups?) appearing out of nowhere. Any idea where they come from and how to stop them ? I have Vista and IE8 - haven't had any bad problems for over a year !! Thanks, Donny Dear Donny Sounds like you agreed to something or other and agreed to accept those ads in lieu of paying for whatever. Because it is an agreed form of payment, if some program tried stopping that, it would be the same as if they stopped payment of a check, and they can be sued. Because of that, there is not a lot of easy or automatic help for that kind of stuff. You can try Adaware, and even go onto their forum, once you have installed Adaware, but be very specific about the stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby
Six-year-old Angie and her 4-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two big guys in gangster suits standing by the door? They're hushers."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dishsoap Insect Spray I use soap to spray for insects in garden. Mix 1 tablespoon of liquid soap with water in a quart spray bottle from Dollar store. Spray once a week and after a rain. By Kathleen from Dothan, AL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" The teacher said. "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize all about it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well. This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers. One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?" "No, thank you," he managed. "No tea." "Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?" "No coffee either, thank you." In the spirit of triage, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in a dark mug?" "My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."

» Deserts and dunes
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Vista too slow and unstable 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, February 18, 2010


"A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them." --- P. J. O'Rourke You see, it's never the environment; it's never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events — how we interpret them — that shapes who we are today and who we'll become tomorrow." — Tony Robbins: You see, it's never the environment; it's never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events — how we interpret them — that shapes who we are today and who we'll become tomorrow. --- Tony Robbins:
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival. The passage way was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer, "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the gracious professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, "I always do."
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut? Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing. W1: Oh! That's so cute! W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. MEANWHILE.... Man 1: Got your ears lowered ? Man 2: Yeah, it's getting warmer outside. Man 1: Sure is. Guess it's time to tune up the lawn mower. Man 2: You get the beer, I'll bring the tools.
Thanks to Goldie for sending this picture: Snow in Texas
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kathy Franklin and Mickey Shalansky of Port St Lucie, Florida The Tantrum Girl Chronicles A Florida first grade student was briefly committed to a mental health institution after police were twice called to her school this week after she threw violent tantrums, which included the six-year-old striking the school's principal, who is eight months pregnant, in the stomach. According to the below St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office reports, officers were first summoned to Parkway Elementary School last Monday when Haley Franklin became out of control. During an hour-long tantrum--which was apparently triggered when the girl's teacher asked her to do something--the child kicked walls and threw items (a calculator, electric pencil sharpener, telephone, etc.) across the principal's office. The 37-pound offender, was briefly handcuffed as a sheriff's deputy sought to get her under control. The following day, when the child again caused a disruption, which included throwing things and striking the principal, a sheriff's deputy responded to the school and transported Haley to the New Horizons mental health facility. A Florida state law (known as the Baker Act) allows law enforcement personnel to involuntarily commit individuals. Along with threatening to punch a deputy, the girl called a school administrator "an old bat" and told the woman, "I am going to go home and make a kick me sign and put it on your back." While Haley's parents acknowledge that their child has a temper problem, they said she has no history of mental illness, and blasted school officials and sheriff's deputies for overreacting. The sheriff's report notes that, prior to last week's incidents, school officials repeatedly sought to discuss Haley's behavior with her mother and father. But the parents never showed up for the scheduled meetings. Additionally, both parents were arrested last year for failing to appear for a court-ordered truancy hearing about "their children not attending school on a normal basis." The complete police report at http://snipurl.com/haley1 shows that it is the parents, Kathy Franklin and Mickey Shalansky of Port St Lucie, Florida are the real problems and that society would greatly benefit if that pair was thrown in jail and clued in.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rusty Re: Continuous problems with Vista I currently run Vista and continually have trouble with it working, I run IE7 and it still locks up and is really slow, can you offer any help Thanks rusty Dear Rusty That seems to be normal for Vista. That is why I don't recommend it. You can still buy XP, format the machine and install XP on it. A lot of junk machines were sold cheaply with Microsoft subsidized Vista on them, just to boost the claimed numbers of Vista machines in use, and with total disregard for customer satisfaction. Yes, XP IS still available. To make you hate Microsoft less than your Government, and to hopefully make you forgive them for shoving Vista at you so forcefully, the price of XP was lowered. I just bought a couple for $89 each. If you need a good source for XP, hit reply and tell me. Don't feel too bad. After all, you didn't pay for Vista. It was included free, plus a generous price subsidy, to sell the machine, that you bought. An XP machine would have been $300 - $500 more expensive. Your only other alternative is to contact a local LUG (Linux User Group), find somebody there who is willing to be your coach, and install a free Linux OS. If the machine is for real work, not for goofing around, that is actually the best way to go. Have FUN! DearWebby
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Really?" said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Glue and Fabric Paint Upside Down I store my fabric paint in a cardboard box from some pretzels. Keep the bottles stored upside down and they will be ready when you are. If they get clogged, use a paper clip to unclog the tube. Never waste a drop. I empty the last bit onto a plate and let me preschooler paint with a brush. She mixes her own colors and loves it! By Wendy from Coopersburg, PA The best place for storing glues and tube paints is in an old tackle box. Almost every yard sale has one available, but they are cheap enough even new. You can get fancy ones with swing-outs and drawers for under $10 brand new. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Bubba and Betty-Sue got married and were on their way to Disney World for their honeymoon. When they got within 20 miles, Bubba put his hand on Betty-Sue's knee. Betty-Sue told him: "Oh, darling, were are married now. You can go further." So, like the real red-neck he is, he put both hands on the steering wheel, stomped down the accelerator, and drove all the way to Miami.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A student from Texas A&M, a student from The University of Texas, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room. "Good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. "However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first." The three proud papas agreed, and the Longhorn won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door. "Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked. "No, I'm not," replied the Longhorn. "But I just couldn't take the chance of choosing the Aggie."

» Experience the Planets
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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When it is time to format and re-install 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, February 17, 2010


When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. --- Bernard Bailey Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. --- Hobart Brown A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar. --- Lao-Tzu
A generously endowed young lady at a major university often got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy. At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be the double D." he said. The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "No, I don't want THAT one back. I want the next one!"
Thanks to Kim for sending this picture: Cincinnatti
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kyle Sumrall, 26, of Reidsville, NC Thief plants syringes for diversion Henry County, VA -- Investigators in Henry County have connected Kyle Sumrall to a case involving a needle in a bag of M&M's Sumrall was charged on Monday with tampering with products at an Eden Walmart. Authorities there say he placed syringes in a tube of meat and a box of Q-tips to distract employees while he stole a vacuum. Henry County deputies say that Sumrall was the same individual that approached a clerk on Saturday at a Walgreens Drug Store on Greenboro Road. They say he showed the clerk a package of M&M's with a needle stuck through it. During an interview with detectives, Sumrall said he would take an item from a business and put a needle in it. He would take the item to a store employee to divert their attention. At the same time, he said an accomplice would steal other store merchandise. Sumrall is being held on felony charges in Rockingham County under a $500,000 bond. The district attorney in Henry County is reviewing the case to determine additional charges.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Time to format and re-install Hi Dear Webby. Sorry to be such a pest, but I asked you a few questions yesterday & you gave me good information on how to correct them. My problem is I can't come up with the pages you suggested. I'm wondering since the computer had to be completely restored, the person who did the back-up for me apparently missed some things. Would it be safe for me to install the original disk that came with the computer? I'm hoping to get everything back onto my computer that I'm now missing. Hope this makes sense to you. I'm trying to get help but so far have been unable to get someone. Many Thanks for all the help you have been to me. Eileen Dear Eileen Yes, personally I would 1) use the original XP Setup CD to format the machine and do a clean installation 2) Tell Windows to go fly a kite if it wants to update 3) install McAfee IMMEDIATELY 4) Get the IE7 and IE8 and SP3 blockers from the Tool Box 5) Get FireFox 6) Let Windows do an update, but in Custom mode, not Express, and make 100% sure that it does not slither SP3 in. Your machine most likely does not like SP3. After that, your machine will run as fast and smoothly as it did on the day you bought it. Have FUN! DearWebby
In the mid 60's a US Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner: "Dear Captain, Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews." Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake." "Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Aaron Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Cream of Chicken Soup to Thicken Broth When making chicken and noodles, I use a can of cream of chicken soup to the broth. I also use cream of chicken soup in my dressing, chicken and dumplings, anything using the chicken broth. It make it have body and thickening. I used this very often and my family and friends want to know what my secret is. By Pat from Harlem, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

From High School Exams: 1. Chemistry: Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. 2. Biology: The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. 3. Sex Ed: To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. 4. First Aid: For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium, an unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him. The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted but a moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that you've given us your name, what is your question?"

» Giants of the wild
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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How to fix ActiveX problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I never vote for anyone; I always vote against. --- W. C. Fields You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. --- Charles Austin Beard
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too!"
Marcy knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it you did, Marcy?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Five times a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, moved the little curtain in the confessional, took a good look at her, and said, "Marcy, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
Thanks to Lynn for sending this picture: Amish Couple during this weeks snow storm. St. Mary's County MD
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicholas Pontillo, 24, of Lake Villa, Illinois Man stole ambulance - and patient A US man has been arrested - after he stole an ambulance with a patient and paramedics still inside it. Nicholas Pontillo, 24, of Lake Villa, Illinois, took the vehicle for a joyride while drunk, according to police. The ambulance had been parked outside the Tyrol Bason skiing and snowboarding area near Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, reports WKOW TV. Pontillo alledgedly slipped into the cab while paramedics were treating a teenage skiier with an injured knee in the back. However, he didn't get very far - the vehicle's emergency brake was on so he ended up driving it around the car park, before eventually being arrested by sheriff's deputies. Dane County emergency management specialist Carrie Meier said the theft attempt may have been thwarted because the paramedics had followed procedure. "They had the emergency brake on. That's one thing we always do for safety reasons," she said. Tyrol Basin general manager Don McKay added: "It is a big deal when someone takes control of an emergency vehicle." Pontillo has been charged with vehicle theft and may also face a charge of drunk driving.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Active X Dear Webby, You have helped me before in getting larger text, but now I have several more questions to ask you. #1 -I can't open attachments since my computer had to be completely restored. It comes up "install active x" to open. Then my computer says to avoid if possible. Is it safe to install this without doing any harm? #2- I keep getting messages to install explorer 8. Is it safe to do that? #3- Is there an easy way to have the volume icon on the bottom right side of the messages page? It was always there until I had to completely restore everything. Many thanks for any easy help you may be able to give me. Love your site & look forward to it every day. Thanks for making my day better. Eileen Dear Eileen Active X controls are helper objects for Internet Eplorer, similar to training wheels on a kid's bicycle. They can be abused by malware and many people frown upon them. FireFox does not need them. However, if you don't want to upgrade to FireFox, you can get the fixes at http://snipurl.com/fix-activex Re IE8: Considering the security problems with it, I can't recommend it. You can use the IE8 blocker from my tool box at http://webby.com/tools re Volume control by the clock: Click on Start, Settings, Control Panel. Double Click on the Multimedia icon. In the ‘Playback’ area, make sure that the ‘Show volume control on the taskbar’ box has a checkmark in it. If it does not, put one in it and click on APPLY and then on OK. The icon should now appear on the taskbar near the clock. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Your honor," a defense attorney began, "I have a series of witnesses that can testify that Mr. Johnson was nowhere near the scene of the crime when it occurred." The judge looked at the defense table and said, "This is the third time you've been in this court room this week, and I'm getting sick and tired of hearing your lies." The defendant stood up with a confused expression and said, "Your honor, you must be mistaken. I've never been here in my life." Waving his hand, the judge replied, "I was referring to your lawyer."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Money Rounding Checkbook Figures When I write a check, I make sure I write the real amount on the check, but in my checkbook register I round the figure up. When I deposit money into my account, I round the figure down. You will never, see or feel it. In 2 years it adds up big time and them some. By Laura from Spartanburg, S.C. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those sex toys the city folks talked about. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

» Strange and interesting Pix
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Computer goes on standby mysteriously 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, February 15, 2010


Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others. --- Ambrose Bierce Life is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but if you pay attention, you can make the whole trip that way. --- Socratex
Dear Webby, Thank you for the humor letter, we all appreciate you and your hard work. Might be fun, but it's still hard work. I am writing to suggest that this might be a good time to rerun the joke about the folks that moved to Minnesota, and enjoyed the snow for awhile, but it got to be a real drag. I hope that was enough description, it was written as a diary. Thanks, Betty Dear Betty December 11, 2005 that Classic was requested by Rosie. So here it is again: =================== Dear Webby, a few years ago you had a hilarious diary of a snow shoveler. Have you still got it, and could please you print it again ? Rosie Sure, Rosie! Here it is: Diary of a Snow Shoveler: December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life! December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can't believe. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I'm sure he is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to scream! December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of snow predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!" She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: Broken taillight.jpg
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rafael Ramos, 54, in New York Police: Suspect impersonated Paul Simon NEW YORK (UPI) -- New York police said they arrested a man who allegedly tried to withdraw money from Paul Simon's bank account by impersonating the musician. Police sources said Rafael Ramos, 54, attempted to withdraw $4,300 from Simon's account at a Citibank branch Wednesday using the recording artist's name, bank account number and Social Security number, the New York Post reported Thursday. However, the bank teller was familiar with Simon's work and recognized that the 6-foot-1 Ramos was taller and years younger than Simon. Ramos fled the bank but was arrested a short time later. Police said he was in possession of a forged driver's license and credit card bearing Simon's name. The suspect was charged with attempted larceny and hospitalized for depression. Simon told police he does not know Ramos and investigators said they do not know how the suspect got the singer's private information.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Katie Re: Standby Dear Webby, Love your Humor Letter! Can you tell me how to stop my computer from going into 'Stand by' mode on its own? I have it marked as 'never' on the properties page. That doesn't seem to make a difference. When it does this, I don’t know how to get it started again except to pull the plug and start from scratch. I would appreciate your input. Sincerely, Katie Dear Katie Most likely your computer is overheating. Turn it off but leave it plugged in so that it has a good ground to conduct static away, open it up, vacuum the dust bunnies out, snap the duct off the processor heatsink and clean the heat sink with Q-tips and rubbing alcohol or Windex. Snap it all back together and it will run nice and cool without going into heat exchaustion. Have FUN! DearWebby
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business. "Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache." His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. "What's the matter?" Goodman asked. "I was just wondering," Morris said. "Why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Valentine's Day Tradition: A Home Cooked Meal My husband has everything and is difficult to buy for. So, on Valentine's Day every year, I make him a fancy, multi-course meal that I research a couple weeks ahead of time. I create a festive menu on my word processor complete with cupid clip-art and fancy fonts one week before V-Day. Then, I post the menu in an highly visible location on the wall. Having the menu posted builds anticipation and reminds us of the special night as it grows near. Every year I'm surprised how this ritual never grows old, and I'm just as excited to prepare it as he is to eat it. This is undoubtedly is more special than any bottle of after-shave, neck tie or wallet. By Sara from Cape Cod, MA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

====From Marcy The music on the postcards is not as loud as it used to be. You must have turned down the volume if the Internet. Please correct your mistakes immediately and turn up the Internet where it is supposed to be so that I can hear it properly! Marcy==== Hi Marcy The volume control is in the little speaker icon on your task bar. If that is turned up, check for the setting on your speakers, or if there is maybe a short circuit between your earphones.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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We need some other words for "death." The old ones are outdated. It's trite to say, "Ed's passed away." Just say, "He's pearly-gated."

» Cold Picking
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Happy Valentines Day! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, February 14, 2010



Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else. --- Brian Tracy Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --- Abraham Lincoln Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away. --- Sir Thomas Beecham
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the home turf!" "That's right," said the soldier. "I am trying to defend it from being eaten."
A Bishop was approached one morning by a Priest. "Your Eminence," the Priest said, "there's a young lad here who claims to be seeing a vision of our Savior in the chapel. What should I do ?" The Bishop jumped up saying, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna look real busy !"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Anthony Minnick and Jessy Tuttle in Frederick, MD Footprints in snow lead police to burglary suspects Tracking footprints in the snow led to the arrest of two men on charges including burglary and theft, according to the Brunswick Police Department. Officers were called to Jerry's Liquors on Petersville Road about 3:15 a.m. Saturday for a burglary, police said. They met with an employee who had stayed at the store overnight. He told them he awoke to a noise and found a man in the store. The glass front door had been broken. While reviewing video surveillance, the officers saw the burglar was a white man wearing a hooded sweatshirt, police said. He had taken cigarettes and bottles of liquor. While searching the area, officers found a broken liquor bottle on Maple Avenue near City Hall, police said. Officers then tracked shoeprints in the snow to an abandoned house in the 100 block of East Potomac Street. The shoeprints matched those left at the store. Officers found Brunswick residents Anthony Minnick and Jessy Tuttle inside the unlocked house with cigarettes, liquor and a marijuana pipe. Minnick and Tuttle have been charged with second-degree burglary, trespassing, marijuana and drug possession, two counts of theft less than $100, theft less than $1,000, conspiracy to commit theft, destruction of property and possession of burglary tools, police said. About 11 a.m. Saturday, officers were called to Beans in the Belfry on West Potomac Street for a burglary that occurred during the overnight hours, police said. An investigation revealed that items found at the abandoned house had been taken from the business.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Olympic Coverage Dear Webby, why do all the "official" Olympic sites insist that you infect your machine with Microslop Silvercrap as the cost of watching any videos? I gave that Silvercrap another chance, but it is still just as pathetic as the last time I un-installed it. So I uninstalled it again. With FireFox that crap is definitely NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be on my machine, and I am not about to slum down to IE and all it's security problems. Do you know of any sites that are not owned by Microslop toadies and show videos that are not limited to Silvercrap? I would gladly pay for access to videos that are not crippled.. Mark Dear Mark So far I have not found any really good sites that show Olympic videos that are not crippled with the Silvercrap ransom demand. The official site http://www.vancouver2010.com has regular videos, but so far it's just peripheral and background stuff, featuring cheery but boring commentators, but no event clips. If somebody does find a good site, please let me know. Have FUN! DearWebby
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM bank machine over there."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip at thriftyFun for today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There are four great religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. 4. Jehovah Witnesses do not recognize each other at a hooters restaurant
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure.", and he makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!", and again he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Well," says the golfer. " I'm Father O'Malley, the Father O'Malley, who lost his sexual equipment in the Korean war."

» 2010 Winter Olympics
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Can't vote 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, February 13, 2010
One day until Guilt Day!
If you forget, you WILL be made to feel guilty.


Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms. --- Alan Corenk
A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! Finally a kid volunteered: "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
Thanks to Walter the Stonecarver for sending this picture: Go away you silly cat!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stephen M. Bosch, 36 in Lexington, Kentucky Dopey Victim A Lexington man was charged with trafficking marijuana Tuesday after reporting that someone had stolen his drugs, according to court documents. Stephen M. Bosch, 36, told Lexington police an armed man had forced his way into his apartment on Crosby Drive around 10:30 p.m. and took $180, according to police reports. While inside, officers noticed the smell of marijuana, and then Bosch admitted the man had also taken 101/2 grams of pot, the reports say. Police searched Bosch's residence and found another $225 in cash, a digital scale, rolling papers and other paraphernalia and an additional 140 grams of marijuana, which had been hidden in the garbage, the report says. In addition to trafficking, Bosch is charged with tampering with physical evidence and possession of drug paraphernalia. He was released Wednesday from the Fayette County jail on 10 percent of a $3,350 bond. Lt. Doug Pape said Lexington police are investigating the robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helen Re: Can't vote I can't vote today. Something is wrong with your article today. Helen Dear Helen My article is just fine. The problem is at the Ezinefinder, a totally neutral company that is not hosted by us. That is quite common for most sites, as you probably have noticed with many of the Bonus Links. Have FUN! DearWebby
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Valentines this year he'd love to wake up on Valentines morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early on Valentines morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links. The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says " Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I patted my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?' and she said, 'Take your sweater, looks like it might be windy out there'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Valentine's Day Cookie Decorating Kit While my friend was recovering from hip surgery she was unable to bake and decorate Valentine's Day cookies with her granddaughter. Both of them were pretty disappointed. So I made up a batch of my sugar cookies, cut them into Valentine's shapes and baked them. I got a few containers of ready-to-spread frosting, food coloring, sprinkles and other toppings and packed them (carefully) in a festive container and delivered them to her. My friend was elated with the surprise of the care package I had put together, and the ability of partaking in the annual cookie decorating event that they always had together! This made their day, and mine! This idea can also be used for kids off to college, elderly folks, birthday gifts, housewarmings and more! By Shirley from Hastings, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Jeff: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Jeff: Neither will Bob.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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The West Texas farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a $200 cow, the farmer priced it to him like this: Basic cow $200 Two-tone exterior $ 45 Extra stomach $ 75 Product storage compartment $ 60 Dispensing device, Four spigots @ $10 ea. $ 40 Genuine cowhide upholstery $125 Dual horns $ 15 Automatic fly swatter $ 35 __________ Total = $595

» What a Squeak
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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McAfee versus a stak of free programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, February 12, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people. --- Adrian Mitchell Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. --- Arthur Schopenhauer
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume fer me lass at home?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a wee bit much," said Clarence. So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still a wee bit much," Clarence groused. Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 sample bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Thanks to Walter the Stonecarver for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Westley Strellis, 23, in Lilburn, Georgia Tougher than a TV FEBRUARY 11 . For unknown reasons, Westley Strellis, a Georgia man yesterday afternoon smashed 29 flat-screen televisions during a rampage at a Walmart in suburban Atlanta. After grabbing an Easton baseball bat from the store's sporting goods section, the 23-year-old Strellis strolled up an electronics department aisle bashing the TVs, according to a Lilburn Police Department report. Cops sought to question Strellis following his arrest, but he cited his Fifth Amendment right to not answer questions, so the motive for his vandalism-- which was captured on a store surveillance camera-- is unknown. The police report notes that the suspect was carrying a bottle of Effexor XR, a prescription medicine Strellis said, "that treats depression." The destroyed televisions are valued at about $22,887, though Strellis's spree caused additional damage to Walmart shelves, according to cops. Strellis was booked into the Gwinnett County jail and charged with 29 counts of criminal damage to property.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: McAffee versus a stack of free programs Hi Webby you recommended a virus control I think McAffay If I go to that can I get rid of Avast and Zone alarm and Spybot and all the rest that clutters up my machine? I did buy the Uniblue reg.cleaner butdo I need all of the rest? How much is it since SSI is not to liberal lately. Thanks as always. Ron Dear Ron Yes, if you have McAffee you can dump all those others, except Uniblue. Keep that one. McAffee is about $30 a year and well worth it. Have FUN! DearWebby
I don't normally tell blonde jokes, but this one was sent to me by a beautiful blonde lady who obviously must know which jokes are OK, and which ones go too far. ------------ A plane is on its way on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach, she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The stewardess and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class wasn't going to New York.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grow Larger Rose Blooms With Banana Peels I have roses growing on my back fence. Year before last my flowers were nice but small. Last year I remembered my grandmother adding banana peels in the dirt around her flowers. So early in the spring, I dug a trench around my bushes and buried banana peels about 6 to 8 inches from the plants. My flowers were much larger than before, and bloomed for a longer period. By Sharon from Van Buren, Arkansas Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the washroom. "Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet." They boy says the alphabet: "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z." and sits down. "What happened to the 'P'?" asked the teacher. "It's leaking out of my boots now."

» Ancient Toy Shop
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Erratic newsletter times 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, February 11, 2010


The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. --- Sir Richard Francis Burton I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. --- Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "You must have been REALLY wicked to turn ALL of grandma's hairs white!"
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." The very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ian Stafford, 59, mayor of Preesall and Knott End in Lancashire, England Mayor gets prison for stealing lingerie PRESTON, England (UPI) -- The mayor of a small coastal town in northern England has been sentenced to two years in prison for stealing women's underwear. Ian Stafford, 59, mayor of Preesall and Knott End in Lancashire, pleaded guilty to four counts of breaking and entering, the Daily Mail reported. "I feel deeply ashamed at the whole scenario because I have hurt people who have been excellent friends -- I could not wish for better," Stafford said. "I wish I had said something to someone earlier. I am not proud of any of this, I am sickened. I wish I could turn the clock back." Stafford, a bachelor, worked as a handyman in Knott End-on-Sea, a small town on Morecambe Bay. He had keys to many of the houses in town. Investigators say he was caught on videotape stripped to the waist, taking underwear out of drawers and using it for sexual acts. Police said they found more than $1,000 worth of lingerie in his home, some of it stored in bags labeled with the names of the original owners.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re:Erratic newsletter times Hi Webby, Your newsletter is getting here earlier & earlier, not that I mind, but then I don't get to read it in the a.m. Thanks for doing such a good job. Judy Dear Judy Yesterday I had to send it half a day early, before going to the airport for flying home. I figured better early than late or not at all. It will be back in your morning mail as usual. Have FUN! DearWebby From Mellie Dear Webby, I was going through my emails when it occurred to me that yours is the best of all of them. You have a little something for everyone, but you also go the extra mile to help people with the world of computers. The pictures are amazing, and I really enjoy the pictures of your father's plants. I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work and for you to know it's appreciated. Mellie :-)
Church Bloopers This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. ---- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Valentine's Day Letter For those of you who may not feel "artistic", please consider this unique Valentine's Day Gift: A Valentine's Day Letter. Cut some 8x11 inch paper in half and fold into a booklet. Name it "I love you for..." On each subsequent page write one little memory, from your past that helps endear you to your loved one. You may add photos or memorabilia if you want! This even helps remind YOU of how blessed you are! These type of Valentine's letters to parents are especially nice! Many times, they don't get the loving attention that they once gave us and don't realize how precious their love for us is in our memories! I did this for my parents anniversary and after they passed on, found it amongst their "saved possessions". I know it meant a lot to them (and even more to me once I found it again many years later.) Treasure each other! : D By AHA! from Sterling, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that politician in room 316 that he was going to die?" "Sure did", second one answers. First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
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Two little boys are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

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Sun dog picture 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. --- Sherlock Holmes
Marcy went to her doctor with two very red ears. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered: "I was ironing a shirt and got a phone call. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The neighbor called called to ask what the screaming and cussing was all about"
If you have amnesia and experience deja-vue at the same time, does that mean you feel like you've forgotten this stuff before?

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Benjamin and Suzanne Grundy in Palouse, Washington Can't grasp the concept of cheer leading PALOUSE, Wash. (UPI) -- A male high school cheerleader in Washington state says administrators discriminated against him by not letting him perform the same routines as the girls. Benjamin Grundy said he was told at the start of the year at Garfield-Palouse High School in Palouse that he would be able to participate in dance routines and other activities performed by the female cheerleaders, only to be pressured later to wear a mascot's uniform and barred from moving his legs or hips while cheering, Spokane's KXLY-TV reported Wednesday. Grundy's mother, Suzanne, said her letters to state officials, the American Civil Liberties Union and other groups -- including KXLY -- pressured the school to give her son an official cheer uniform and pompoms. However, she said she does not consider the case closed and she wants further measures taken, including seminars against discrimination and reprimands for involved school officials. "I think the combination of a biracial, mentally challenged gay male may be too much for them," Suzanne Grundy said of school officials. ---------- Apparently the school failed to 'splain to the weirdos, that the purpose of cheer leading is to encourage spectators to cheer for the team, and to attend the next game too, NOT to encourage them to boo at an egotistical nut and his wacky mommy. The booing can be done AFTER the game.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: NoFries Re: SunDog picture Thank you for the Daily Humor Letter. It always has great advice, jokes and photos! Today's photo is intriguing, what is the halo effect ? I enjoy taking mini trips around the world via your pictures . I often wonder where they were taken and wonder if you might give us a hint as to their location. Many Thanks! Nofries Dear NoFries The picture is from northern Alaska or Yukon, and it shows "sun dogs". When there are ice crystals at high altitudes, they act like the water drops that cause rainbows. Because they are so far away, the dogs only make four spots, not a bow. Because the sun is so low over the horizon, you can't see the lower dog. The reason the picture is so dark is because the camera automatically dimmed down when pointed at the sun. It's actually quite bright out when you see sun dogs. Have FUN! DearWebby
Anni was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said Anni from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said Anni. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" Anni replied brightly, "I don't know. "
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Safe and Friendly Drain Cleaner To safely clean drains, I pour baking soda into the drain followed by table salt. If the clog isn't bad, I just use cold water to flush it down. If the clog is bad, you will need to use boiling water. Since this will not harm pipes or the environment, you can use this weekly to keep drains from becoming clogged. By Kris from New Albany, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "MY difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it's leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both front paws on the wall and relieved himself. One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to do it like that?" The second man replies, "I didn't teach him. He's done it like that ever since the toilet lid fell on him one time!"

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Text is too small 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, February 9, 2010


All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. --- Sean O'Casey Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. --- Phyllis Diller
The basketball coach stormed into the University President's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example." The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Three minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the University President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," she reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Roger Mayes, 49, of Pinson, Alabama Can't cope with gas station PINSON, Ala. (UPI) -- Police in Alabama said a man drove his truck through a gas station's plate-glass window because he was angry about a pre-pay-only pump. County resident Roger Mayes, 49, was charged with attempted murder, Jefferson County Chief Deputy Randy Christian said Police said Mayes angrily stormed into the BP service station convenience store in Pinson about 6:45 a.m. Sunday and complained the pump he was trying to use was not turned on, The Birmingham (Ala.) News reported Wednesday. Christian said the service station had a pre-pay only system because of too many pump-and-runs, and Mayes's pump had not been turned on because he hadn't paid yet. "You are going to die and go to hell," the chief deputy quoted Mayes as telling the store clerk. Investigators said Mayes left the store, got back into his 2001 Ford Explorer and drove the sport utility vehicle through the window of the shop, crashing through the coffee counter and cashier's counter. "If the clerk had not jumped out the way, he would have run over the clerk," Christian said. Mayes was subdued with a stun gun after he attempted to charge an arresting deputy, police said. He was charged with attempted murder and resisting arrest and jailed on $63,000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Text too small Dear Webby, I've read your site for quite a while & truly love it. I have a question I hope you can give an easy solution to. I lost use of my computer a few weeks ago & it had to be completely restored. That is done, but I'm trying to find out how to enlarge the text. Before it died on me, I had an icon allowing me to enlarge the text, but that is no longer there. Is there a way I can enlarge it on my own? Many thanks for any help you're able to give me. I am not too computer literate but am able to follow easy directions. Eileen Dear Eileen RIGHT Click on the desk top Properties Settings Advanced General and in there choose a larger or CUSTOM setting for the fonts. In a browser you can also usually hold down CTRL and roll the scroll wheel on the mouse to zoom font sizes. Have FUN! DearWebby
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Morris, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 25 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 130 degrees, 15 minutes West longitude...?" After a confused silence and a glance at Google Earth, Morris replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone. That's halfway to Hawaii, and I can't swim."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Safe and Friendly Drain Cleaner To safely clean drains, I pour baking soda into the drain followed by table salt. If the clog isn't bad, I just use cold water to flush it down. If the clog is bad, you will need to use boiling water. Since this will not harm pipes or the environment, you can use this weekly to keep drains from becoming clogged. By Kris from New Albany, IN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink. She said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup." There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention.Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly." Bill, his father in law replied: "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind. A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy. ----- You gotta be nuts to go see a shrink! (Beetle Bailey)

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Filtering spam from multiple addresses 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, February 8, 2010


It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. --- Mick Jagger If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. --- Isaac Newton
The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Susie got up to read hers, "My brother was fighting with me, and he fell in the well last week..." she began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Koop. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Little Susie. "He stopped yelling yesterday."
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, everybody else does, often long before you actually get around to doing it.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 26 year old shoplifter in Riverton, Wyoming Dumbest shoplifter RIVERTON, Wyo. — Police say a man suspected of stealing a bottle of Schnapps from a Wyoming grocery store didn’t have the best escape route planned. Riverton police say the 26-year-old ran out of the store after grabbing the bottle of liquor and a package of cough drops Wednesday and hid in a nearby building, which happened to be the police station. Police say the man then ran out of the police station, but not before a dispatcher had spied him on the station’s surveillance camera and alerted officers. The man, who police say was drunk, was caught soon after. He was taken into custody on preliminary charges of resisting arrest and shoplifting.
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and unplugs the TV. Again, the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried. "What's your name, birdie?" "Moses." "What dummy named you Moses?" "The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosie Re: too many addresses to check Dear Webby I have a bunch of different addresses, so that if any one company sells my address, I can just dump that address. That works fairly well, but over the years, they have gotten onto various spam lists anyway. Is there a way I can weed out the spam on many addresses at the same time, or do I need to buy a spam protection program for each address? Rosie Dear Rosie With MailWasher you can check as many different addresses as you want all at the same time. They can be at totally different providers. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be reasonably pleasant and try to get him into a good mood. For lunch, fix him something hot. For dinner, prepare something hot and fairly nutritious. For a while, don't burden him too much with unnecessary chores. Try not to discuss your stress about the house work and the soap operas too much when he is worrying about the family business, that would just make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband at least one day of every week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?" "You're gonna die."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pledge Cleans More Than Wood If you look on the back of your Pledge bottle, you will see that Pledge not only polishes your wood, but is also great for cleaning stainless steel, leather, granite and marble. I love it, especially for my stainless steel appliances and leather couches. I've tried at least 5 different expensive stainless steel cleaners and pledge outshines them all! It gently cleans to leave a brilliant shine that resists fingerprints. I also use it on my leather couches and it works better than any of the expensive leather cleaners I used to use. Plus, as an added bonus, I have a lot more space in my cleaning cabinet now that 3 cleaners have been replace by 1. A win win win all around! By Christi from Lake Worth Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

(This one you have to read out loud) "Information? I need the number for Caseway Trasnport." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Just saw a headline on the news ticker: "Scientists say English Foot and Mouth out of control" hmmm, I know some Irish who have been saying that for years!

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DTX SDK license required 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, February 7, 2010


The shortest distance between two points is under construction. --- Noelie Altito One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. --- Oscar Wilde
Help! Help" cried the young woman as she ran up the steps of the police station. "An Irishman molested me!" How do you know he was Irish? inquired the sergeant at the desk. "I had to help him" she gasped.
In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks of life. For example, sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal. It seems, they felt, it might lead to dancing.
Blue Heron baby
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David R. Small, 37, of Occum, Connecticut Dim Burglar NORWICH, Conn. - Norwich police have arrested a man with a long list of burglary convictions on arson and burglary charges in connection with a fire Wednesday morning at a vacant building in Occum. David R. Small, 37, is accused of stealing copper tubing from a vacant building and starting a small fire in the basement during the theft, police said. In an interview after his arrest, police said, Small admitted starting the fire because he needed light to see what he was doing. Police said Small went across the street to another vacant house in an attempt to steal more copper pipes but left when he didn’t find any. Small was arrested while leaving the area, police said.
Angus was returning to Scotland after a year in exile and was met at the station by his two brothers Lorne and Neil. "Lorne!, Neil!, What did you grow beards for while I was away?" Lorne replied angrily "What do you expect? You took the razor blade with you!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Catherine Re: DTX SDK license Hi Webby: thanks for all the good information you put out. Can you please tell me what the following is His came on my computer: You need a DTX SDK license! Never heard of it-have you? Thank You Catherine Dear Catherine One of your IE tool bars was created by using a free trial version of the DTX SDK programming kit. You have to get rid of that tool bar. 1. Open IE 2. Click on Tools 3. Click on Manage Add-ons 4. Click on Toolbars and Extensions 5. Click on each Toolbar listed to highlight and then click the disable button 6. Repeat number 5 until you have all of the toolbars disabled 7. Re-enable the toolbars one by one until you receive the error message. This will identify the toolbar with the problem 8. Leave the bad toolbar disabled, and write to the cheap parasites, who conned you into installing it. There is no need to be diplomatic about it. It's quite OK to use a free trial to see if that is indeed the program one wants, but most definitely NOT for producing commercial software. Have FUN! DearWebby
Church Bulletin Board Bloopers: Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. ------------- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir. ------------ The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. ------------ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ----------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Banana Splits for Valentine's Day I started a tradition when my oldest son was 4 years old. Since our "sweethearts" are our children, we celebrate Valentine's Day by having banana splits for dinner! I make sure to have anything a person could desire for toppings. Our dining table looks just like a malt shop. (You should see the huge bowl of cherries that adorns the center of the table!) All with the benefit of having a fun intimate family meal, and the cost is the same or less than what we would have spent if we went to eat at an ice cream shop. And we get to keep the left over ingredients! Valentine's Day is the one time a year my children can look forward to eating dessert for dinner, just as they count on turkey for Thanksgiving. It's a treat we all love! Now, we have a brood of 15, 10 and 4. We've been celebrating Valentine's Day with banana splits for 11 years and my kids proclaim they will pass this family tradition down to their own children some day! By Jennifer from Hill Air Force Base, Utah Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk. "Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked. "Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one. It's inscribed, "To the Man Who Was My First" "Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down and said, "Not bad looking at all, for your age."

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SD / SDHC confusion 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, February 6, 2010


Reality continues to ruin my life. --- Bill Watterson The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as delightful --- Frederick Locker-Lampson
Did you know that ..... In Seattle, Washington residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
"I presume, Mrs Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" "Indeed I do, sir, it's a lock of my Dan's hair." "But your husband is still alive." "that he is," said she "but his hair is long gone!"
OK, here are some more gators.Unfortunately, the setting sun was behind me, so the depth of the picture is not as good as I had tried to get. The big meanie on the right side wanted my camera or something, so I had to leave in a hurry. If you click on the picture, you'll get the 1024 x 768 size.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Anthony Chiofalo, New York Deputy locked in dog cage after DUI stop It's hasta la pasta for the marijuana meatballs cop. A state appeals court has upheld the NYPD's firing of a veteran detective who blamed a failed drug test on his wife spiking his meatballs with pot. Anthony Chiofalo, a 22-year-veteran, challenged his 2006 termination by Commissioner Raymond Kelly, but the Appellate Division shot it down. The panel of judges agreed with Kelly that the high levels of marijuana found in Chiofalo's hair samples could not have come from accidentally ingesting the drug in food or from second-hand smoke. Chiofalo argued that the hair-sample test was not authorized by the NYPD's collective-bargaining agreement with his union. "The Court of Appeals has held that the Commissioner was empowered to choose the method of drug testing, and that choice was not subject to collective bargaining," the judges wrote in a decision made public Thursday. Chiofalo's wife, Catherine, smokes marijuana for back pain and admitted to investigators that she laced her husband's meatballs in hopes that he would be fired before getting killed on the job.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Svend Re: SD versus SDHC chips Dear Webby, Thanks for your Humor Letter, I have been a subscriber for many a year now. Saw the piece about not being able to use SDHC cards in Canon Powershot cameras in your Humor Letter this morning. It must be in just some of the Powershot cameras, because my 2-year-old Powershot S5 IS uses SDHC cards just fine. And by the way, you can get those cards for about half price through many ebay dealers. This is how it looked at our place yesterday. See attached. Thanks again. Svend Dear Svend Yes, my Powershot is a S2 IS and a few years old. It turns out that cameras made before 2006 use the old DOS FAT16 format, which limits them to memory chips of less than 4 GB. Since 2006 they use the SDHC format, which is good for up to 32 GB, or SDXC, which is good for up to 2 TB. Using the cheap 2 GB chips is not really a problem, as long as one knows about the limit. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first Irish mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him one heck of a big party."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Change Clothes in Dryer Before It Stops When doing laundry, remove clothing from the dryer before it stops on its own, and put the next load in. This way, the dryer doesn't cool down and then have to heat up again for each load. The clothes are dry by then, and if you get them folded right away, you won't need to worry about wrinkles. By Mary from Hummelstown, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Maureen was feeling a bit ill, and not recovering from a night out anywhere near as fast as Paddy. So he sent her off to the doctor. She came back shortly with a puzzled frown and said: "Oh, Paddy, he wants a "Specimen", but fo the life o me I don't know if we have one or if we can affod t'buy one!" Paddy hemmed and hawed for a while, but couldn't figure it out either. So he finally suggested: "me lass, why don't you go upstairs and ask Maud O'Reilly, she used to work the streets in town and she'll know." So Maureen climbed up the stairs and knocked. Not a minute later, screaming and cussing and the noise of a ferocious fight echoed down the stairwell, soon followed by much banging and clatter as poor Maureen came tumbling down the stairs. As Paddy helped her up he asked her what happend. "Oh Paddy, she's so mean! All I did was ask her what a 'specimen' was, and she told me to 'piss in abottle'! So of course I told her to shit in a hat, and the fight was on."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

» Zeppelin Eureka
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Can you use SDHC chips instead of SD? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, February 5, 2010
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!

I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth. --- Carl Sandburg If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. --- Ted Turner
Pierre from Montreal was in a hotel in Edmonton and phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Noose pepper!"
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
In the evening sun these two old gators in the Everglades looked blue! First time I have seen that.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Samuel Monroe Bledsoe, 47 in Blountville, Tennessee Deputy locked in dog cage after DUI stop Feb 3, 3:38 PM (ET) BLOUNTVILLE, Tenn. (AP) - A Tennessee sheriff's deputy arrested on a drunken driving charge wound up in a dog house before he was taken to the big house. The Kingsport Times-News reported the details of a Tennessee Highway Patrol arrest report, which said 47-year-old Samuel Monroe Bledsoe was kicking the windows of a trooper's cruiser on his way to a hospital for a blood test. The report said Bledsoe was then locked inside the cruiser's K-9 cage for his safety. Trooper David Osborne said in the report that Bledsoe performed poorly during a field sobriety test - even after it was explained to Bledsoe 18 times. The Sullivan County Sheriff's Office later fired Bledsoe. Bledsoe was free Wednesday on $1,500 bond.
A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the eyes of the Church. The Priest explained that it was still considered a sin and frowned upon by the church. The wife spoke up fuming: "Look Father, you no play-a da game, you no make-a da rules."
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Me Re: Can SDHC memory chips be used instead of SD Can SDHC memory chips be used in cameras instead of SD ? Well today I found out the hard way, in Canon cameras you can't. They fit in just like the SD chips, and I thought I would take along a new 8 GB chip, because I knew the 2 GB chip was getting full. Well, it fit in OK, but the Canon Powershot camera won't have anything to do with it. Emma, the friendly lady at CompUSA cheerfully exchanged it for two 2 GB chips and some cash back. Have FUN! DearWebby
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Veggies In Your Flower Bed Even if you don't have garden space you can get a few homegrown foods by adding a few choice vegetable plants to the scheme of your flower bed. Just pick your favorite veggies in unusual varieties. Good greens are lettuce, mustard, turnips, spinach, kale - curly or flat, come in all shades of green, red, purple, yellow and black. You can get cabbages in purple, red, bluish as well as green. If you get the winter decorative cabbages they even come in pink!- and they're still edible. You can grow beans as a great vine with flowers that are purple or red. There is a super ornamental pepper with all the hot colors, yellow, orange, and red, that covers the plant with edible peppers. And of course my most favorite, tomatoes, can be found in small or tall plants and the yellow, pink, red or even white fruit. They all add just as much color and texture as flowers but with the plus of produce. By Trace from Wartburg Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A soldier was asked to report to the camp office for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." "But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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A Southern preacher was using the new sound system of the church for the first time and jerking the microphone cord along behind him as he briskly moved about the platform. He had never heard his voice amplyfied like that and was getting right into the spirit of things and gesticulating just as wildly as he was yelling into the microphone. As he moved farther over to one side, he got wound up in the cord and nearly tripped before jerking it free again. After several circles and jerks, Little Johnny leaned toward his mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, we better run!"

» Zeppelin Eureka
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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How do you assign 7 mouse functions? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, February 4, 2010

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. --- Dick Cavett
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $3.99 for a $2 item that she doesn't want but that is on sale.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ula Webb-Chambers, 40, of Gainesville, Florida Pick it up so I can hit you again A Gainesville woman is accused of hitting a former boyfriend on the head with a tire iron and then ordering him to pick it up so she could hit him again. Ula Webb-Chambers, 40, of 2928 S.W. 39th Ave., was arrested Wednesday afternoon on charges of aggravated domestic battery and aggravated domestic assault. According to an arrest report by Gainesville police Officer Shawn Barnes, Webb-Chambers and the man had lived together for about 15 months before separating earlier this month. The man told police Webb-Chambers drove up to him near the St. Francis House and began arguing with him over money. The man said he began walking away but Webb-Chambers put her car into reverse and accelerated as she drove backward toward him. He told police he ran between two Dumpsters at the back of the homeless shelter to avoid being hit. The man said he tried to get away from Webb-Chambers by running across the street toward a Gainesville fire station but Webb-Chambers followed, taking a tire iron from the trunk of her car and running toward him screaming things like, "I got something for you," and, "The firemen ain't gonna help you." According to police, Webb-Chalmers caught up with the man about a block away and hit him on the back of the head with the tire iron. The man said Webb-Chambers then dropped the tire iron and screamed at him, saying, "Pick that thing up so I can hit you again." The man told police that he was dazed but able to get away and that a friend picked him up and drove him to an area hospital. In an arrest report, Barnes wrote that the man had a large bump on the back of his head and likely had a concussion. Webb-Chambers reportedly denied having an part in the incident. Webb-Chambers was booked into the Alachua County jail.
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Great!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before you smell like her!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandie Re: How do you utilize 7 mouse buttons? Dear Webby I got a new Logitech mouse, and it has seven functions. What should I assign all those to? Sandie Dear Sandie You can change those assignments any time, but here is how I set them. The regular left and right clickers are best left as they are. 3 Pushing the scroll wheel down I assign to double-click / Enter. 4 Thumb button: Back a page 5 Pinkie (right side) button: Forward a page 6 Tilting the scroll wheel LEFT: Copy 7 Tilting the scroll wheel RIGHT: Paste With Microsoft mice the pinkie button is farther forward, and you can use Thumb / Pinkie for copy / paste, which seems more logical, but with Logitech it is too far back and you WILL accidentally activate it quite often. Accidentally jumping a page forward is not a big deal, but accidentally pasting whatever has been copied last, is a major nuisance. Because the pinkie button on Logitech mice is so poorly situated and much too trigger-happy, you might want to assign it to do nothing at all. Otherwise you will do a lot of cussing about an otherwise quite good mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby
To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on someone daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte." "You've found her Father." smiled the lady. "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms. "That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Photos to Make Greeting Cards I have not bought a greeting card of any kind for more years than I can remember. How easy it is to make all kinds of beautiful cards with personalized photos from your own computer. Print Shop is the software I began with but I have used Print Artist for years. My grandchildren have made their own school valentines using this program. I can't remember the time they bought Valentine's cards for their friends. If you are a photography buff many of your very own photos can be easily inserted in your cards. And pick your own words or special quote to insert inside the card. When you are finished you will wonder why you ever spent money on those store bought cards. By Karen from Davis, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven). As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked "Why did you just stand there? Was it her Bible quote ?" "Bible Quote???" screeched the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they had no room in the trailer for a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor/veterinarian told him that was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor/veterinarian, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor/veterinarian, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure is aparently also approved in West Virginia and Arkansas.

» Tugs
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Need more space fast 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one. --- Albert Einstein Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all. --- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, Sonny?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room. The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?" "To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Algers, 28, in Colorado Springs Drunk dad told kids to bite officers COLORADO SPRINGS (UPI) -- Police in Colorado said a drunken man arrested in a McDonald's play area told his young kids to "bite the officers' faces off." Colorado Springs Police said Joshua Algers, 28, was found passed out drunk in a McDonald's play area at about 4 p.m. Wednesday and officers placed him under arrest upon learning there was a warrant out for his arrest, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported. Algers became aggressive when police called the mother of the children to come pick them up, and then instructed the kids to "bite the officers' faces off," a police report said. The suspect resisted the officers and was subdued with a Taser, police said. He was arrested on suspicion of assaulting a police officer and the original warrant, which officers did not specify.
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them. The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do everything." They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the solids into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!...she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her... "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?" She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tunia Re: Need more disk space Dear Webby I desperately need more disk space quickly. My daughter keeps sending me pictures from her honeymoon, to keep for her, in case the silly dingbat loses her camera again. I already cleaned out anything that I think isn't absolutely necessary, but she keeps sending more and more pictures every night. Tunia. I tried an HP USB connected DVD burner last year, but even the local computer shop could not get that to work right. Dear Tunia You need a USB connected hard drive. You can get 1 TeraByte (1000 GigaByte) drives in a USB enclosure for under $90 at Tiger, CompUSA, Walmart, BestBuy and many other places. They simply plug in and work. No fuss at all. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman was complaining to a policeman about the neighbor across the way. She took him up to her abode and pointing across the court said, "It's an outrage the way those nudists are carrying on in that apartment--I'm ashamed." The cop looked across the court and said, "I can't see anything going on in there." "Is that so?" she cried, "you just put this chair up on that dresser and stand on it! Take these binoculars and you'll see plenty."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Juice from Canned Fruit Save your juice from canned peaches. Freeze it in ice cube trays then when solid move over to a Ziploc bag and store in freezer. Use them in your glass instead of ice when drinking iced tea. It is good with any tea, but especially good with raspberry tea. By Mom from Missouri Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close... "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
"How long will it take to pull my tooth?" The patient asked the dentist. "Only two seconds" "How much will it cost?" "Fifty dollars." "For only two seconds of work?" "Well," The dentist answered coolly, "I can pull it very, very slowly and make it last an hour if you prefer."

» Models of Yore
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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How to test your Internet connection speed? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, February 2, 2010

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. --- Cyril Connolly The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. --- Vic Gold Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music. --- Marcus Brigstocke
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?" "Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broken, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." "Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George? Who's George?" "Why, that's your *husband*, dear." "Mom, I don't have a husband." "Is this 234-5678?" "Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused, then got rather hysterical: "But, but, but, you're still going to come over and help me, aren't you?"
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a kid."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 43 year old robber in San Diego Robber calls police to complain about interruption SAN DIEGO — A man who was busy robbing his elderly victim Saturday became so upset when a bystander tried to break up the crime by punching the robber in the face, that he, the robber, called police to report an assault. Bad move. Once they put two and two together, police officers located the 83-year-old victim, who confirmed the crime, and arrested the 43-year-old man for suspected elder abuse and robbery, said San Diego police Officer David Stafford. Police were called at 4 p.m. to Akins Avenue at 62nd Street near a trolley station, where the robber had the elderly man pinned against a wall and was rifling through his pockets when the bystander interrupted the crime, Stafford said. No other information was available about the robber, or the 35-year-old man who came to the victim’s aid.
In a test of emergency systems some boy scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds for a refill."
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Peggy Re: How do I find my Connection speed Dear Webby How do I find my connection speed on the computer I am using? Thank you, Peggy Dear Peggy Here are 3 free sites to test your connection speed: http://internetfrog.com/mypc/speedtest/ http://us.mcafee.com/root/speedometer/test_3000.asp http://www.pcpitstop.com/internet/bw.asp Have FUN! DearWebby
The pastor was doing is weekly "children's message" with the children gathered around him down front. He was talking to the youngsters on their level about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" one of the girls cried out enthusiastically. "And what do you have to be to get there?" the preacher asked. "Dead!" yelled one of the boys.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Simple Household Bookkeeping System I keep every receipt (utilities, grocery, medical, etc.) in a plain legal sized envelop labeled for the month (Example: Jan 09) until the end of the year. I keep them in a drawer with my bank statements. At the end of the year I have 12 legal envelopes the same size as my 12 bank statements. I bundle them with rubber bands. I begin a new check register each January 1, and stop with Dec. 31. I put the check register with the bundled envelopes. At the end of the year I store them in plastic totes. On the envelope I will write whether there are important receipts for items which could possibly need to be exchanged like a new appliance. I have done this for over 20 years. By Jeanne from Elysian Fields, TX While that is a paper keeping system, it is not really a bookkeeping system. Since you DO have access to a computer, you can use a simple spreadsheet. Spreadsheets are a LOT easier to use than you imagine. Label the cells in the first column with numbers starting with 0. There is a button for doing that automatically. Label the top cell to the right of it DATE. Label the top cells in the columns to the right of it with the categories you need for tax purposes, like Meds, or categories you want to track, like utilities, maintenance, groceries, etc., and a comment column at the end. Let's say your first receipt is for medication. Write a 1onto it's top corner, type the date from the receipt into the date column, and the amount on the same row but in the MEDS column, and a comment, if you want, on the same row in the comment column. One of the biggest advantages of a journal like that is that you not only can find any specific item fast, but that you SEE your expenses. You can spot trends. You can give each column a different color background, and use a different color font for different months. And yes, you most certainly can sub-total each month, and of course total each column at year end. My description may sound difficult and tedious at first reading, but it's actually really easy and even fun. I would be surprised, if you don't some day highlight a month and hit the GRAPH button. You can make a colorful pie chart showing how your money is used, or a line graph showing trends. "Hmmm, fuel expenses are creeping up. Will have to have a word with Junior!" Each category will have a different colored line and you can tell at a glance if there is a change. To find a receipt, you check the number in the first column, then dig out the receipt with that number in the top right corner. Doing the taxes is of course a lot less tedious if you have the yearly totals of each category at the bottom. And you can of course do the same with income. Spreadsheets like Calc (in Open Office), Quattro (in Corel Office), Excel (Microsoft), etc, are free or cheap. The only part that is difficult is getting started with them. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

George and Nancy get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, he finally decided he had enough and advised her that he would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring, just as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Nancy. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind George. "Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain." George did have the grace to say "Thank you!", before he tossed his last cell phone out the window.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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» Harmony of colors
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How to install Spybot-Search&Destroy 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, February 1, 2010

In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known. --- Thomas Pickering The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No -- just once!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jason Miles, 22 of Crestview, Florida "Man You Don't Know How Much Weed I Smoke" CRESTVIEW -- A man pulled over for failing to maintain a single lane and for speeding was arrested after telling police he had $2,000 worth of "weed" in his trunk. The 25-year-old Crestview man was stopped Jan. 22 after a Crestview Police Department officer noticed him speeding on James Lee Blvd. The driver, Jason Miles, appeared nervous and there was a strong odor of marijuana coming from inside the truck, the officer noted. When the officer asked him if there was anything illegal in the truck, Miles said, "I got $2,000 worth of weed in the truck!" During a search, police found 110 grams of marijuana, two digital scales and a package of peach-flavored cigars. He was charged with possession of marijuana with intent to distribute and possession of paraphernalia. After being read his rights, Miles told police he only sold the marijuana on weekends because he was a full-time student during the week. He also said he sold some and kept some. "Man, you don't know how much weed I smoke," he told the officer. He has a March 2 court date.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: How do I install Spybot Dear Webby I would like to download Spybot search and destroy on my Vista home premium computer from you web site but don't know quite how to do it. Any help appreciated. Hubcap Dear Hubcap Just click on the Spybot-Search&Destroy button in the left side menu. Scroll down to where it says DOWNLOAD and click on the blue cube. That gets you to the Mirrors. Depending on your connection speed, pick the one closest to you. It will ask you where on your computer you want it. Most people are fanatic Easter Egg Hunters and tell it to put it ANYWHERE, and then go hunt for it later. I tell it to put it into E:\TOOLS\Spybot After it has downloaded, tell it to RUN. It will again ask you where you want the program to be set up. Again, tell it to do it in a place like E:\TOOLS\Spybot or let it go to the Windows default place at C:\Program Files\Miscellaneous\Stuff and Such\Programs\More Stuff\ In your case it probably makes little difference, since it produces a desktop icon anyway. When it finishes the installation, run it. It will show you what it found, and you can un-check stuff that you might want to keep, for example the cookies from your bank. Then hit the "Fix It" button, and it does. That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby
You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation : "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Set Up A Pet Care Savings Account I see a lot of requests for advice about sick pets from people unwilling or unable to go to the vet due to the expense. Here is what has worked for me. I have added pet care into my weekly budget. I started a savings account and each payday the amount I have determined I can afford goes directly into that account. I do not use it for anything except vet costs. It adds up quickly and I always have enough for at least a checkup in that account. Pets who receive regular checkups have less emergencies in the long run, as trouble can be detected before it is too late. We owe them nothing less. By Kelly from Portland, OR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff. The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor.. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him and knocking their teeth out on the counter."

» Awesome Footwear
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Humor: Spybot 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, January 31, 2010

Spare no expense to save money on this one. --- Samuel Goldwyn Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy. --- Charles Peters History is more or less bunk. --- Henry Ford
A preacher said to the farmer,"Do you belong to the Christian family ?" "No", he said, " they live two farms down ". "No,no, I mean are you lost ?" "No, I've been here thirty years." "I mean are you ready for Judgement Day?" "When is it ?" "It could be today or tomorrow ". "Well, when you find out for sure when it is , you let me know . My wife will probably want to go both days !"
A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic up to that point anyway. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: under a Live Oak in Ft Myers, FL
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Douglas J. Koufman in Palm Beach MIAMI -- Authorities say a Miami man cleaned out his elderly mother's savings, worth over $800,000. Douglas J. Koufman is charged with exploitation of an elderly person or disabled adult for more than $100,000. The 57-year-old surrendered Tuesday at the Palm Beach County Jail and posted bail Wednesday. According to an affidavit by the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office, Koufman misappropriated at least $873,000 from his mother's trust fund. His mother, Charlotte Koufman, is now 88 and suffers from dementia. Records show the woman's trust contained over $2 million in July 2004. Three residents at the Funny-Farm are at the doctor's office for their annual intelligence test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," he replies. The doctor asks the second man, "What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Easy," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Johnny Re: Spybot Dear Webby Wish I knew about the Spyware two weeks ago. Had to shut my computer down until son could fix it. Johnny Dear Johnny It pays to look at the side menu in the Humor Letter every now and then. I have donated free space there for Spybot-Search&Destroy for 10 years now. Everything you see there is an "Essential" that we put on every Webby computer, before we let a user touch it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her folks because all she ever wrote home about was boys and good times. Her mother decided to have a serious talk with Lucy when she came home for a weekend. The mother started out by saying, "Now, dear, if you are only going to college to find a husband, it certainly will be expensive shopping." "Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Important Items In Dishwasher in an Emergency If you ever need to leave in a hurry because of a flood approaching, a good place to store important items (computer tower, pictures, etc.) is in your dishwasher. It has a watertight seal that will protect your items. You could also put items in your front loading clothes washer. It will not work with a top loader clothes washer. By Fred from Michigan Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

» Baby Birds
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Short URLs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, January 30, 2010

Life is not merely to be alive, but to be well. --- Marcus Valerius Martial An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. --- Alfred A. Knopf
An inter-church gathering was well attended when someone suddenly cried "FIRE!" The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray. The Baptists hollered "Everyone in the water !" The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring fire was evil. The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out in an orderly manner. The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone. The Christian Scientists agreed there really wasn't a fire. The 7th Day Adventists said it was "the vengeance of an angry God." The Presbyterians formed a committee to study the problem. The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damages. The janitor grabbed a fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They saw this old fellow sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the old mans problem. One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." The old man said, "Well, I thought it was a going to be fart, but it looks like all three of us were wrong with our guessing."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jessica Kathleen Alexander, 18, and Tammy Nicole Ortega, 29, from Telford, Tennessee 2 cheap Tennessee hookers jailed Two Telford, TN women have been arrested and charged with filing a false rape report. Washington County, TN investigators arrested Tammy Nicole Ortega, age 29, 255 Browning Road, Telford and Jessica Kathleen Alexander, age 18, 255 Browning Road, Telford. Both were charged with Filing a False Police Report. Both women claimed they went outside their residence to check on barking dogs and two men threw them down and started raping them. Both women later recanted, telling Sheriff’s investigators that the rapes did not happen. Ortega and Alexander stated they met a man on a telephone chat line, then offered to meet him and have sex in exchange for a pack of cigarettes. Police say the women met the male subject and did indeed trade sex for a pack of cigarettes. After the sex, the man left, and the women decided to file a police report claiming they were raped. Alexander later stated they filed the false police report because they didn’t enjoy the sex. Ortega was charged with an additional count of Filing a False Police Report from an incident in November of 2008, in which she reported a Vandalism/Arson to the front porch of her rented residence. Ortega stated she gave false information to Sheriff’s Deputies regarding the incident. The investigation is ongoing and more arrests are pending. Tammy Nicole Ortega is being held in the Washington County Detention Center on a $10,000.00 bond and is scheduled for arraignment in Jonesborough Session Court on January 29, 2010 at 9:00am. Jessica Kathleen Alexander is being held in the Washington County Detention Center on a $5,000.00 bond and is scheduled for arraignment in Jonesborough Session Court on January 29, 2010 at 9:00am
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Annabel Re: Short URLs Dear Webby Sometimes you use some very short URLs for links. How do you get those? I realize that some yahoos are griping and sniveling about them, and call them "cloaking" and deceiving, but I sure prefer the shorter ones. Annabel Dear Annabel Depending on the browser and version of subscription a subscriber has, a long URL can really mess up the formatting. Whenever a URL is longer than an average line, I shorten it. You can go to http://snipurl.com, or similar sites, and paste the long URL. They shorten it down for you.It is a free service. Have FUN! DearWebby
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes." The hunter asked "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?" Said the pigmy: "With my club." The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?" The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse the Plastic Bags You Already Have Instead of buying re-usable bags for your purchases, save and re-use the plastic bags that you already have at home. I bought the re-usable ones, and found that I did not have enough of them. I buy a lot of groceries at a time, and just simply did not have enough bags. Buying as many as I needed was a cost factor; plus, I always wound up not having them in the car, which totally defeated the purpose in the first place. Then I thought of just keeping the plastic bags that I already had, in the car. Takes up far less space, didn't cost me anything, and I have lots more of them. By Carole from Locust Fork, AL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a attractive young woman asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk." That's fine," replied the woman. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old woman standing beside her. "Grandma will pay the bill," she smiled.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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An IRS man asks a farmer, "How much is your prize bull worth?" The farmer says, "For tax purposes, or has he been hit by a train?"

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Can I check Gmail from any computer? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, January 29, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. --- Will Rogers Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down. --- Hector Berlioz The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready. --- Henry David Thoreau
Thanks to Roland for this confession: I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ...and how was your day?
It's comforting to know that real estate agents are required to be more candid about the properties they represent these days. A Newport Beach, California Internet listing of a duplex revealed that the other inhabitant possessed two cats and "a Scottish terrorist." Taken from Steve Harvey's column in the LA Times. ------------------------------------ Well you got to watch those Scots. There is aparently no sound on earth more terrifying than a bunch of Scots coming home from the bar and deciding to practise their bagpipes indoors.
George had minor surgery after a bad accident and gets on the bus one afternoon. He looks quite bedraggled and more like he had been in a bar fight than being hit by a cab, and is still a bit groggy from the anesthetic staggers up the aisle, and sits down next to an elderly woman. She looks George up and down and screeches at him: "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" George jumps up out of his seat and shouts: "Hold it, driver. I'm on the wrong bus! I don't wanna go where SHE goes!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sleepy burglars STUART, Fla. -- Four Miami-area men were arrested Tuesday after they broke into a Stuart business and stole nearly $10,000 worth of equipment, including 22 chainsaws, according to the Martin County Sheriff's Office. Martin County sheriff's deputies arrested Armando Garcia and Abel Lahera, both of Miami; Emilio Moreira, of Hialeah; and Jorge Amador, of Cutler Bay. Deputies were called to a burglary at Stuart Lawn & Garden, 3326 SE Dixie Highway, at about 3:30 a.m. Surveillance video from the store showed a white van with one wheel that was a different color than the others. The video also showed two men entering the store and removing items. "It was mainly items that they knew they were after because they didn't spend any time looking around," said Justin Suggs, vice president of Stuart Lawn & Garden. Deputies said they later found the van abandoned at Harbor Bay Plaza in Sewalls Point. The suspects were found sleeping in a nearby Jaguar and taken into custody. According to the arrest affidavit, one of the suspects told investigators that they burglarized the store, parked the van in a parking lot and left in the Jaguar. It stated that they planned to wait a few hours and then blend in with the morning traffic. Stuart Lawn & Garden had a sign outside the store Tuesday that read, "The Last 4 Idiots Who Broke In Here And Stole From Us Are At The Martin County Correctional Facility Getting Acquainted With BUBBA." All four suspects are charged with burglary and grand theft. They were each being held on $10,000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: G! Re: Can I use Gmail from any computer? Dear Webby I have often considered changing mail providers but I've had yahoo since 1996 (and grown very fond of my address ... Can I access Gmail from any computer? G! Dear G! Yahoo may give you the same warm feeling as a full diaper, and in much the same way, it doesn't really earn you a lot of respect. Yes, you sure can use Gmail from any computer, UNIX, Linux, Windows, or Mac, anywhere in the solar system where you can go onto the net and open a browser. A lobby computer in a hotel or hospital or old-folks home, or the one at the Contractor's desk at the Home Depot is just fine. You don't have to dump Yahoo, in order to use Gmail. You can still be "That thilly yahoo", whenever you crave that warm and wet feeling, but at least you will have reliable mail for the important stuff on the side. Have FUN! DearWebby
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin ploughing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "The twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars may now return to class."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Once a Week Cooking There are no "leftovers" at our house! We prefer to call them pre-planned meals. We buy meats on sale and I usually spend a Sunday evening cooking. I often make meat loaves, barbecued spare ribs and baked chicken. These are all proportioned to what my husband and I will eat at one meal and then sealed in our food saver bags. Off to the freezer they go for whatever meal we want. For a working gal it sure saves time preparing dinner. Just snip the corner of the food saver bag and pop into the microwave. Open a can or two of veggies or make a fresh salad and you have a quick and delicious meal - real quick! By MissMakeDo Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about a word his lover said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before his wife finishes talking.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist's couch. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years." "Amazing," said the doctor. "How did you do it?" "Well, I outweighed him by fifty pounds."

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