Comebacks 

Comebacks to the age old question: "Why aren't you married yet?"

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

What? And spoil my great life?

Because I just love hearing this question.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiance is awaiting parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.



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How to type symbols and odd characters on laptops 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, February 13


Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." --- C. S. Lewis
A profesor at the University of Pennsylvania was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures. At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase. For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball. Since the professor walked back and forth, whatever he said while on one side, counted for that time, what he said while on the other side, counted for the other team. On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then he hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly. Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.
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Thanks to Boris for this: When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races." Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. "So what DO you do?" she asked. Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Jennifer Mahoney, 32 in Manalapan, NJ Molesting a child and streaming the assault on the Internet Jennifer Mahoney, a 32-year-old New Jersey woman has been jailed after she molested a 5-year-old girl while streaming the assault live on the Internet. According to police, an investigation began last month when Texas authorities raided a man's home and discovered three videos on his computer that showed a woman engaged in sexual contact with a sleeping 5-year-old girl. Detectives quickly identified the woman as Mahoney and learned that the little girl she had allegedly molested was a child she had been trusted to babysit. Investigators say two of the videos show Mahoney laughing as she molested the girl with her hands. She is then seen licking the little girl's buttocks. Those videos were streamed live over the Internet using her Skype account. The third video shows Mahoney abusing the child in a bathtub while filming it with her iPhone. In that video, Mahoney is seen asking the girl to lean over so she can be rinsed. But instead of rinsing the girl, Mahoney can be seen inserting her fingers into the girl's vagina. Although Mahoney was initially arrested on state charges in December, federal charges were filed on Thursday. She was booked into Monmouth County Jail on two felony counts of exploitation of a child. She remains jailed in lieu of $250,000 bond. Each charge of child sexual exploitation carries a mandatory penalty of 15 to 30 years in prison. Mahoney's attorney states his client will plead not guilty at her next hearing
Tech Support Pits: From: Walter Re: Symbols and characters Dear Webby I sincerely hope that your eye problem will be taken care of speedily! My question concerns where can I find the symbol and characters list other than within 'Word?' As always my thanks, Walter Dear Walter Try http://webby.com/humor/char.html I had them up there for ages. It is one of the most copied web pages. If you are stuck with a laptop, that does not have a numeric keypad, then it gets awkward. Some laptops have a numeric keypad hidden in the keyboard, same as some of the functions. They are hard to see and a real nuisance to use. Most people get a regular external keyboard anyway, rather than ruin their wrists on a small laptop keyboard. I have done that since the mid 90's and taken a keyboard along into the desert and up the mountains, and of course also use it in the office. The alternative is to go to. http://webby.com/humor/char.html, copy the character you want, and paste it to where you need it. And buy a $12 keyboard next time you are in town. If you have an old keyboard lying around somewhere under some workbench, use that! They just plug into any unused USB port on the laptop or on a USB hub plugged into the laptop. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court. The judge asked, "Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?" Phil replies, "Yes Judge, that is correct." "And how do you explain this unusual conduct?" the judge inquires. Phil replies, "Your Honor, my Ma told me not to interrupt when a woman is speaking."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Remove Paint Transfer My husband went ballistic when he saw a scrape on my car bumper. My grandkids ride their bikes, etc. and he just knew someone had "nicked" the paint on the bumper. I took a tiny bit of a Mr. Clean sponge and gently scrubbed the "nick". It was gone in no time and not a trace of anything remained. Disaster averted. I even got rid of a few more that looked like nicks! By Halfwhit from Ashdown, AR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Laura was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the most successful, etc. Laura wondered if she was going to get a prize too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Laura, you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added: "And champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy size bottle of aspirin." "Don't bother with the aspirin," Laura replied. "It's obvious with this many kids, that I've never had a headache !"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.
» Debi's lens





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Forcing Outlook and Outlook Express to show pictures 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, February 12
Vision is still a strain, but now t feels just like I was 
wearing somebody elses glasses, and that, with the proper
glasses, I could see OK.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. --- Euripides A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --- Bill Vaughan
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the latin term so I can tell my wife."
Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy A Professional Web Site Design Course That Contains Over 500 Pages Of Quality Information, Codes And Examples.
Very valuable programs and bonuses included.
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Cindy noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. She commented, "I don't think that's going to help." "Sure it does." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Dalisha Adams, 26, in Brooklyn, NY Abandoned toddlers at busy intersection Brooklyn, New York (The Weekly Vice) Dalisha Adams, a 26-year old Brooklyn woman was jailed Sunday after she dumped her two young daughters onto the street before driving off. According to Brooklyn police, Adams reportedly left her two daughters, ages 2 and 3, on the street around 3:00 p.m.. Police were dispatched to the scene after receiving a 911 from and elderly couple who found the children standing alone next to a busy intersection. The New York City Administration for Children's Services (ACS) was able to identify Adams and her children through pictures previously taken of them. Investigators say the children were found near their grandmother's residence, however the grandmother was unaware that the children had been abandoned. She told police that she had no idea that the girls had been left alone until she saw their photographs on a local news station. She is now attempting to gain full custody of the girls, who were taken to the Brookdale University Hospital for observation, and then placed in protective custody with ACS. Adams' neighbors say they regularly heard Adams berating her daughters, cussing and shouting at them with foul- mouthed rants that could be heard throughout the apartment complex. They say Adams blew up at the girls a short time before they were discovered abandoned, shouting "Stop crying. Shut the (expletive) up. I'm going to get you out of here." Adams was booked into jail and charged with child endangerment.
Tech Support Pits: From: Connie Re: No pictures in mail Dear Webby Lately I have been receiving attachments and pictures and all I can see on them is a red X in the corner. Why can't I see them? Connie Dear Corrine Sounds like you are handicapped with Outloock Express. That's just some settings in Outloock Express. I don't allow Outloock Express within 10 feet of any Webby machine, but I found an answer with Google: To re-enable the images and external content in HTML e-mail, use the following steps. Open Outlook Express. In Outlook Express, from the Tools menu, click Options. In the Options dialog box, click the Security tab, and then take the checkmark off the line that says: "Block images and other external content in HTML e-mail" There might be more Outluck settings you have to check, but that one seems to have helped most people. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick. She asked if he would please spell the name slowly. He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite." When her father returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Create Stick Sculptures to Attract Birds This tip is "for the birds" in your garden. I don't throw away large sticks that fall during storms, instead I keep them and use them to make stick sculptures for the birds. They add whimsy to my garden and the birds LOVE to land on them because after all they are sticks from real trees. I started with a plain garden hook and just attached the sticks as I found them and it's an ever changing sculpture. You can add birdhouses or anything you want to, but I guarantee you that the birds will land on it and land on it often! By Jeanasina from Richfield, MN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Classic! A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm,............. better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" So she ascends another flight of stairs. The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak...sexy...great lovers. "Oh, mercy me! But just think ... what must be awaiting me on the last floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day. Just for fun, they opened a wife store across the street. On the first floor, the sign read: These women love cooking and sex and speak only sign language. The deep dust on the stairs to the second floor has never been disturbed yet.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
When I got out of the Navy I answered a want-ad for a forklift operator at a soft-drink bottling company. I was taken on a tour of the plant by the warehouse foreman who stressed how important it was not to break any bottles. "In the Navy," I explained, "I wasn't allowed any mistakes with the forklift either." "What did you handle?" "Bombs."
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Increase font size in received POP email 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, February 11

It is 06:45 am. I can ead a bit, still mostly guessing.

First they super-dilated my eyes at 10:am, gave me some 
intravenous yellow dye, and took tons of flash pictures of the 
inside of the eye

Then they froze the good right eye, and injected Avastin 
through it into the back of it.
And told me to not rub it and not let water near it for two days,
and taped a patch over it.

Avastin is not covered by Alberta Health and is $75 cash.
Just like dope downtown.
OUCH!
Actually, I have no clue what dope costs these days,
but I can usually stretch $75 into two weeks of groceries.

Avastin is supposed to reduce the sweling at the backof 
the eye, that is caused by diabetes.

Ifyou wrote to me on Friday or overnight, please don't expect 
a swift answer. It is still an awful strain to read and having to
guess at most words..
Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. --- Johnny Carson
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
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Very valuable programs and bonuses included.
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An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of being happily married, the man had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he would have to stop having sex with his wife. The man and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "And I was coming down to kill you!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Bryant McClinton, 24 Man punched stranger because she 'looked at him funny Bryant McClinton, 24, is jailed on battery charges after he punched a woman several times because she “looked at him funny.’’ According to police, Bryant and the woman were walking in opposite directions down a Chicago street during lunchtime on Monday when the attack happened. Bryant punched the 23-year-old woman, knocking the woman and her purse to the ground, then he punched her several times before fleeing. Several passersby gave chase and he was captured by police a short time later. While being interrogated by police, he told them he punched the woman “because she looked at him funny.'' The woman was treated for head and face injuries and was released from a hospital that night.
Tech Support Pits: From: Me Re: Increase font size of received email How do you increase the font size of received email, if you are not using a browser based webmail? Hit REPLY or Forward. Then you can change fonts, font size, color, anything you want. If you decide not to answer right then, jut close it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Bobby, a devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences on uncle Jack's farm. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, with great joy..."It's a miracle!" "Not Really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Hand Sanitizer to Clean Glasses One of the best products I've found to completely clean the lenses on eyeglasses is hand sanitizer. I've tried many glass cleaning products and have always dealt with residue from hair spray or other smears. I rub a small amount of hand sanitizer on both sides of the lens and wipe thoroughly with a paper towel. The glass is perfectly clean. By Glenna from Gulfport, FL My favorite is "Simple Green Automotive Spray Cleaner". It is a safe, non-toxic but VERY powerful cleaner, that is actually ment for mechanics. It comes in pistol grip spray bottles, I spray itonto my glasses, wait about as long as it takes for the water to be good and hot at the tap, and rinse. That's all. I don't put my gritty or greasy fingers or any gritty cloth onto the lenses. I just rinse with hot water. There may be a tiny drop or two of water left on the lenses, but gently tapping the glasses onto a not too hard surface, causes those drops to fall off. If they don't, no big deal. Same as on dishes and glassware, that is drying in the drying rack beside the sink, those drops will evaporate off cleanly. The less often the lenses and their pricey coating is touched, the longer they last. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Winters are fierce where Angus McGinty lives, so the owner of the estate felt He was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"
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Excel versus Quattro 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, February 10
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Today, Friday, I have to go for an eye exam and find out,
whether I need an operation.
Depending on the outcoome, there might be some irregularity
with the Humor Letter. I hope not, but hav no idea, wheat they
will decide to do.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I like life. It's something to do. --- Ronnie Shakes I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. --- Thomas Jefferson The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --- Robert Frost I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks. --- Joe E. Lewis
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy A Professional Web Site Design Course That Contains Over 500 Pages Of Quality Information, Codes And Examples.
Very valuable programs and bonuses included.
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For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being...a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows..." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes as she nodded in agreement. She replied,"Yes, I agree, I think it would be a great idea, and I'll gladly help you find a nice puppydog for a pet."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Daniel Hall, 25, and his wife Alisha Hall, 26 Couple sexually abuses their own 6 month old daughter Mt. Morris, Michigan (The Weekly Vice) - Daniel Hall, 25, and his wife Alisha Hall, 26, have been jailed after they allegedly sexually abused their 6-month-old daughter. According to Birch Run police, an investigation was launched in October after an anonymous couple told police that the Halls, through a swinger's website, asked them if they had a young daughter that they were willing to involve in a sexual encounter. Detectives obtained a search warrant for the Hall's residence after tracking their address down through the couple's i.p. address. A search by police turned up 745 images of child pornography inside the couple's residence. At least 13 images were found that showed Daniel Hall engaged in sex acts with his 6-month-old daughter. Alisha Hall allegedly snapped the sordid photos. Daniel Hall, who has posted photographs and videos of himself on the official IMDb website, considers himself an actor. Hall also reportedly operates a YouTube channel in which he can be seen leaping off a house into a pool, shooting himself in the foot with a bb gun and other annoying antics. Daniel Hall is also reportedly the son of Jack Hall, who was convicted in 1999 for the rape and attempted murder of two young girls in Vienna Township. Jack Hall was also convicted of kidnapping a woman in 1993. Daniel Hall was booked into jail and charged with first-degree criminal sexual conduct, possession of child pornography, distribution of child pornography and using a computer in the commission of a crime. His bond has been set at $750,000. Alisha Hall was charged with first-degree criminal sexual conduct and possession of child pornography. Her bond has been set at a $500,000.
Tech Support Pits: From: Stan Re: Excel versus Quattro Dear Webby, Which spreadsheet is better for a small business, Excel or Quattro ? Thanks Steve Dear Steve It used to be that Excel was better for low level entry of data, and Quattro or Lotus were better for high level analysis. However, that has changed. With Open Office virtually eliminating Microsoft Office in Europe, Eastern Europe and Asia, Excel was not only brought up to nearly the same level as Quattro, but with bulky parts of it getting loaded, when Windows starts, Excel loads very fast and feels fast when using it. With Excel, you can click on an email address, and as long as you use XP, or in W7 use a Microsoft email program, it will open that, just like a browser does. Calc in Open Office works quite well too, and will probably win out in the end, because it is free. Calc is very powerful, but still has a few rough edges, especially when it comes to describing or explaining some of the fancier features. They work, but a novice might have difficulties finding them. Quattro is the most powerful, and even lets you use it in Excel look and feel, and has help for Excel users. They are definitely not worried about losing anybody to Excel. Quattro is part of the Corel / Word Perfect Office suite. You can ulually get an older version of Corel / Word Perfect Office on eBay for $10 - $15. Since not much changes between versions, an older version is just as good. I have it on every machine. The big advantage of Open Office is that you can use it on Linux machines. More and more businesses switch to Linux to save a big pile of money. If a bare machine is set up with Linux by a penguin (Linux Fan), they don't have to buy Windows, and if the machine is loaded with Open Office, employees can do all the WORK related stuff just fine. It may slow them down installing all kinds of non-work stuff, but as far as the business owner is concerned, that is not really a problem. If you are aiming in that direction, get used to Open Office Calc while still on Windows. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when she got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Four dollars." She said, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, it's four dollars per seat." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Socks The answer to lost socks! I just bought inexpensive, mesh lingerie bags that can be found at places like Target or Walmart. I placed one on a hook in the closet for each of my 3 daughters. They simply throw their socks in the mesh bags when they come home. On laundry day, I ask everyone to get their sock bags and throw them into the washing machine, making sure they are all zipped up. I then wash them and throw them into the dryer as is. When they're dry, the kids take their own bag and sort their socks themselves. They then put the sorted (or unsorted) socks back into their bags and take upstairs to dump out into their sock drawer. By volvomom from San Diego, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man picks up his golf-indifferent girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh, well. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, "Yes he did," the boy replied, "dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us...
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Capable email program 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, February 9

Today the temperatrue was the opposite. Icy cold down in 
the valley, quite pleasant up on the high prairie, especially
in the sunshine. So I added an extra half mile.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. --- Isaac Newton What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do. --- Aristotle
Nancy got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got lost in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart"
Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy A Professional Web Site Design Course That Contains Over 500 Pages Of Quality Information, Codes And Examples.
Very valuable programs and bonuses included.
You make back the cost of the course five times or MORE on the first site you design. And you keep the course and the programs! Get it now! Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy

Thanks to Darla for this one: OPPORTUNITY ! Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! TRY it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1. Open a new text or word document 2. Hold down the shift key. 3. Hit the 4 key four times really fast.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Matthew Keith, 21, from Bridgewater, Massachusets Cape Coral trolley mooning brings arrest A ride-by trolley mooning led to a fight and the arrest of an apparently intoxicated Massachusetts man over the weekend in Cape Coral. Matthew Keith, 21, from Bridgewater, was charged with disorderly intoxication and resisting an officer on Saturday night. According to two Cape Coral men, they were attending the martini competition downtown when Keith and his brother, who is listed as a juvenile, pulled down their pants and displayed their butts while riding the trolley, according to a Cape police report. The two victims told police they then “approached the two males about cleaning up their actions.” After some words were exchanged, the two men said the Keith brothers then hit them in their faces. They declined to press charges but police caught up with the Keiths soon after. According the police, while interviewing Matthew, who had trouble standing, he continued to yell profanities at passersby and tried to taunt them in order to provoke a fight. He was then arrested and had to be hobbled while being transported to the Lee County Jail. ------------ The Cape Coral Trolley is not high speed public transit. It is a quaint, historical affair, locked in secure storage during hurricane season and during the hot summer time. It is mainly used for parades and special events, and for short haul transit between parking areas and conventions and events.
Tech Support Pits: From: Kyle Re: Capable Emailer Dear Webby, When I preview mail in MailWasher I have quite frequently seen the message: Get a capable html e-mailer in the top of a message. I use Eudora, and you simply can't get a more capable emailer than that. What is that all about? Thanks Kyle It's just some dumb spammer getting in a snit about getting caught. Just make a filter to hide delete automatically if the body CONTAINS Get a capable html e-mailer and you will never see that garbage again. The few of you who don't have MailWasher yet, you have no idea how easy it is to make filters like that. You click on ADD Filter Name the filter with something that reminds you of what it is about Click on some radio buttons to set what should be done with that type of spam (like DELETE, HIDE, etc...) Then select the part where the filter should check, like Body, Header, TO, FROM, etc. Then select CONTAINS, DOESN'T CONTAIN, etc.. and finally paste the trigger phrase or word. That's all ! No fuss, no muss. Click OK and you'll never be bothered with that type of spam again. Click on the MailWasher button in the side menu and get the free trial of MailWasher. Once a week, look at the built in stats and see the pretty graph that shows how much spam was nuked by each of the filters, that you made. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends, waited till her parents had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly is unable to make it to school today because she is ill." Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?" Kelly: "This is my mother."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Water Spritz to Stick Sprinkles on Frosting When frosting cookies or cakes with butter cream frosting, sprinkles seems to roll right off! This just happened to me, but then I had a moment of inspiration. I went and grabbed my water spray bottle from the ironing board, put fresh water in, and gave the remaining cookies a spritz. Voila! The sprinkles stuck! Don't use too much spray, just enough to lightly coat the frosting surface. Have fun. By kljohn from Crawford, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large sack of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Sandie for this: [2/7/2012 8:39:01 PM] Sandie: Presidents' Day I was eating lunch with my 6-year-old and I asked her, "What is the 20th of February?" She answered, "Presidents' Day!" I asked her: "What does Presidents' Day mean?" and I waited for something about Washington or Lincoln. She replied, "Presidents' Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of unemployment!" You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
» Niagara





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How to enlarge Gmail fonts 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, February 8

Thank you, Joe!

Thanks to Dan for correcting yesterday's bonehead award.
That happened in Neon, Kentucky, not Kansas.

We had clear sky and beautiful sunshine today, but a mean
and nasty wind blowing up from Montana. When I got up
onto the high prairie on my walk, I was tempted to walk
backwards, with my back to the wind. So I took the shortcut
trail through the old folks colony and down into town from
behind there. 

I must be getting soft. 30 years ago I was running dog sleds
and riding my snow blower at -40, and had a good time.
However, I was eating a LOT more in those days.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory. --- John Kenneth Galbraith "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." --- Yogi Berra What's the difference between education and experience? If you read the instructions, you have education. If you don't read the instructions, you will get experience. --- Socratex
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said."Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket and on my wallet ?"
Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy A Professional Web Site Design Course That Contains Over 500 Pages Of Quality Information, Codes And Examples.
Very valuable programs and bonuses included.
You make back the cost of the course five times or MORE on the first site you design. And you keep the course and the programs! Get it now! Web Design Mastery - Professional Web Design Made Easy

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in- Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off." "Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Omar Richardson, 18, in Jersey City, NJ Cell-phone photo leads to carjacking arrest JERSEY CITY, N.J At the time 18-year-old Omar Richardson snapped a photo of himself using a cellphone cops say he stole in a Jersey City carjacking, he probably didn't think much of it. But the cellphone was running an app that automatically forwards photos to the owner's computer, according to police. When his mug popped up on the victim's computer, she printed out the photo, brought it to the South District Police Station, and one of the officers recognized the man as Richardson, Police Lt. Edgar Martinez said. According to police reports, last Sunday, the 20-year-old victim got out of her car on Armstrong Avenue and a masked gunman approached her saying "Give me your keys and phone." The carjacker drove away heading east on Armstrong and the victim filled out a police report but told investigators she could not identify the man because he was wearing a ski mask, reports said. Police told her to keep her phone service on so they could watch for activity. But instead, she got a photo of Richardson sent straight to her, Martinez said. In the picture, the man identified as Richardson is seated and is holding up a middle finger, police said. A warrant was issued for Richardson's arrest on the charges of carjacking, armed robbery and weapons offenses, Martinez said. Police then learned he was to due to appear in court in Jersey City on Tuesday on a drug charge, reports said. Warrant squad officers made the arrest when he showed up at Central Judicial Processing court in Jersey City, Martinez said. Richardson is being held at the Hudson County jail in Kearny in lieu of a $100,000 bail, a jail official said.
Tech Support Pits: From: Betty Re: Gmail font too small Dear Webby, I have a question. You would have to respond through AOL for I cannot see it on GMail. Somehow my fonts got so small on GMail that I cannot see it. I know how to make it bigger on AOL but I cannot see how to do it on Gmail. I must have hit something by mistake. I am an old woman who does not have much computer savoy so I need it explained very simple. Thank you. Betty Dear Betty That is indeed quite tricky. Unfortunately the overpaid geeks at Google are just like government. They live in their own world, surrounded by brown-nosers, who want to secure themselves a warm place to shit, and they have no clue, what the real world needs or wants. According to them, theoretically, this should work: Change Font Face, Size, Color and Background Color in Gmail To use a custom font, change the font size or color, or add a highlighting background color when composing in Gmail: Make sure the rich-text formatting toolbar is available. If you see a Rich formatting » link just above the message composition area, click it. Highlight existing text to apply formatting or set it before typing. Click the Font button to choose a custom font. Use the Size button to pick a font size, from Small to Huge. Click Text Color to select a font color. Use Highlight Color to apply a background color. Some geeks, who mess with their Gmail every day, might be able to do it from that. For the rest of us, if you are in FireFox, hold down CTRL and crank the scroll wheel of your mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replies indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how it is done."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Rubber Bands Save the little plastic hanger that comes with a new pair of socks. Load all your stray rubber bands onto the hanger. Use one rubber band to make the hinge. Loop it inside itself around the end and then hook the other end. Toss it in a drawer or hang. By Anne from Memphis, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
From this week in 2005: Drunk Avalanche and Rescue Escape Man peed his way out of an avalanche. A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem, he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported. He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours. ------------------- If he had followed the guidelines and stayed with his car, instead of staggering off into the landscape, he would have been rescued two days earlier..
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Two mothers are talking about a friend who has just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in 12,000 times," says one. "Amazing," says the other. "How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
» 100 Year Tree house





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Free RoboForm 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, February 7

Thank you, Trish!

Why did Russia and China veto a UN resolution about Syria?
They had, reluctantly, agreed to a No-Fly zone over Libya,
only to see that Britain, the US, France and Italy re-interpreted 
that to mean, they could test their missiles, jets and drones
and go murder civilians and military as they pleased.

In the eyes of China and Russia, they gave the UN a bad name.
Expect a permanent "Nyet" like in Cruchiev's days.

Syria is small potatoes, Iran isn't. And Pakistan is getting
really uppity. This is not a good time for having the UN
paralyzed with a permanent "Nyet".

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. --- Mark Twain ----------------- Especially if the other side listens!
A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter. She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!" The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says because they just ran out of them. The owner then says, "Ha! Their price I beat! They're only $29.95 when I'm out of them!"
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Want To Bake Like a Pastry Chef At Home? Impress Your Friends And Family With Something Special Now YOU can make Chef Keiko’s pastries at home. Get the skills and tricks, not expensive ingredients.

A police car pulls up in front of Aunt Gertrude's house, and Uncle Leo gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Leo", said Aunt Gertrude, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to Aunt Gertrude, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Uncle Leo whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Andrew Toothman, 22 in Neon, Kansas Supermarket burglar found naked and covered in peanut butter and chocolate A "man" was arrested after he broke into a grocery store and was found with peanut butter and chocolate smeared all over his naked body. Andrew Toothman, 22, didn't tell police why he felt the need to break into the Food World IGA in the small town of Neon, Kansas, but he was found there early in the morning on Tuesday. There was no money missing from the cash registers and Toothman wasn't trying to pocket any expensive foodstuffs. Actually, he wasn't wearing pockets at all. Police found peanut butter and chocolate covering his body, the supermarket floor, and the manager's office. Apparently, Toothman had a moment of repentance during his random spree, he spelled out the word 'sorry' on the floor using the night-time flu suppressant NyQuill. Police wrote that the front door was 'busted out' and several fire extinguishers were discharged in the store. Toothman remains in custody on $25,000 bail. He was charged with burglary in the 3rd degree, criminal mischief, and indecent exposure as he was only wearing black boots and his sugary treats. I bet HIS mom is real proud of him!
Tech Support Pits: From: Diane C Re: Free RoboForm Dear Webby, Have had Roboform for years and love it. You CAN save the passwords by printing them. 'Print list' is under 'Logins.' I do this a couple of times a year as a backup. This may be a little off the writer's point, but people should know about it. By the way, I paid once ... don't have to pay yearly. Diane C Dear Diane Yes, depending on the versio you use, and the number of user names and passwords, you CAN indeed get away without paying every year. However, if you want to sync your work and your home computer, or any of the advanced stuff, put the $30 aside and have it ready. If and when they decide you need to pay, they make it really difficult to use the program until you do pay up. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Valentine's Breakfast My husband likes a "traditional" breakfast; coffee, toast, bacon and eggs. For Valentine's, I use a heart shaped cookie cutter to cut a heart out of slices of bread. I toast the shapes as usual and use the bread slices (buttered) to make fried eggs-in-the-hole. He always gets a kick out of it. By Kerry Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dock into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "That sounds terrible", Ed said. "What business were you in?" Ted replied, "I sold good luck charms...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A small boy walked into a police station one day and said, 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.' 'Are the any windows in your room?' asked the officer. 'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy. 'Have you tried opening them?' 'What and lose all my pigeons....?'
» Wood Chip Sculptures





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RoboForm 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, February 6

We had great weather, beautiful sunshine, and not too
much wind. Yes, I went for a walk in the sunshine,
and missed the game and all the prize winning commercials.
If they were any good, I am sure they would be sent around
the net, along with all the spoofs of ads, that supposedly 
did not quite make it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others. --- Cyril Connolly
An engineering student, a physics student, and a mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, gathered a few friends, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, and a calculator. He had the friends time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The math student purchased a protractor, plumb line, tripod and measuring tape. She waited until the sun was going down, then used her equipment to measure the length of the shadow, and find the angle the building's roof made from the ground. Then she used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building. Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for exams in other courses. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied, "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, wrote it on my hand and went inside for happy hour!"
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Want To Bake Like a Pastry Chef At Home? Impress Your Friends And Family With Something Special Now YOU can make Chef Keiko’s pastries at home. Get the skills and tricks, not expensive ingredients.

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture from Venice: Click through for the large version. VeniceFeb 5, 2012 No Gullible Warming there either
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Kevin Forrester, 33 and Robert Scullion, 28 from from Haverhill, Suffolk, England Taxi as get-away vehicle Kevin Forrester and Robert Scullion used a taxi to get their stolen goods home. A court in the UK were told that Forrester broke into a log cabin near a home in Suffolk and stole £7,465 of audio and recording equipment in broad daylight. He was then joined by Scullion who ordered a taxi in order to get the stolen goods home. The taxi driver was naturally suspicious and rang the police. Police said that the criminals used their real names to order the taxi because they didn’t have a getaway vehicle, and then they had all the stolen equipment brought to one of their homes. He said that by the time he had made a few simple phone calls, the entire case was done and dusted. Almost every news site in England had a sloppy re-write of this story, complete with totally irrelevant clip-art of London Taxis, but with typical British media incompetence, none of them could be bothered to get the mug-shots.
Tech Support Pits: From: Lance Re: RoboForm Dear Webby, I started using RoboForm because of your suggestion, and have a huge number of passwords in it. Now it is up for renewal, and is holding all my passwords hostage. Is there a way to get them out of there? Lance Dear Lance No, there isn't. If there was, then any unauthorized person could sneak in and get all your user names and passwords. You have obviously exceeded the number of passwords, that are allowed in the free version. To continue using the unlimited PRO and syncronizong all your machines, you will just have to put $30 onto it. Then it will be good again for another year. Yes, I know, $30 is a lot of money, but for unlimited entries and syncronizing home and portable machines, Roboformis well worth it. For those of you, who are new and not familiar with RoboForm: It stores your passwords and user names and even form filling data, and if you have more than one computer, it syncronizes that info between the computers, over the Internet. With this link you get the download instantly, without having to wade through a bunch of confusing stuff and misleading ads from third party download sites. It will get you the Free version. You will have the option to upgrade to the PRO version, if your particular situation requires more, than what the free version provides. Usually, the free version is quite good enough for home use . Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Ella for this: As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. "What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged. "I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Side Mirrors Clear of Ice If you have those big rear view mirrors on your car or truck and you know an ice storm is coming, here's a cheap trick to keep them clean. Take two plastic grocery bags (one for each mirror) and two rubber bands and put the bags around the mirrors and secure them with the rubber band. It does not look great but it sure helps in the morning when it comes to cleaning the ice off the car or truck cause those mirrors are free and clear of ice! By Debradj from Illinois Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
» Ice Castles





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Perspectives 

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep... You are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... You are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with good health you are more fortunate than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle unfolding all around you, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of persecution, harassment, arrest, torture, or death... You are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.




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Modem not releasing phone line 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, February 5

From Carol:
Wow!  As usual the images you chose resulted in a very 
dramatic one for this morning.  Thanks for the love and 
care you give your Humor Letter, and then on to us.  
Carol T


Re insulating the attic, from Dr Bill F.
When I lived in Snow country, and owned a Heating and 
Refrigeration co - I suggested to people to look at the 
roofs of their neigbours and their own after a snow - 
the ones that were melting off were poorly insulated - 
so fix the problem (as you suggest), then buy a 
geothermal heatpump (water source) and save a fortune.
Bill.

Right!
And those, who can't afford a heat pump to utilize incoming
(solar) heat, it is easy enough to put a cheap cold water tank
up there, as high as possible, and use that to pre-heat the
feed water to the hot water tank, so that it just has to top it 
off a few degrees. In snow country that little trick will pay for
a heat pump in one year.

What is also important is to open the louvres in summer.
Especially with the top ceiling insulated with a double layer 
of insulation balls, it can get awfully hot up there in summer
and curl your shingles. 

Ideal, of course, are thermal window openers, like the
ones used in greenhouses, that open windows or louvres,
when things get too hot. A non-eletric gas cylinder window
opener is good for 15 - 29 years. If you don't extract the 
heat with a water tank pre-heater or heat pump, they will
open the styrofoam cover behind the louvred vents.

You can, of course, open and close them manually with a 
string.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. --- Evan Esar Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. --- Lord Dewar
An older man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he"? the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders"? The old man says, "Since he found out that Mrs Smith is pregnant and that I've been on birth control pills since November."
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Want To Bake Like a Pastry Chef At Home? Impress Your Friends And Family With Something Special Now YOU can make Chef Keiko’s pastries at home. Get the skills and tricks, not expensive ingredients.

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Maureen Raymond, 49, in Jensen Beach, Florida 'Not with these big boobies': Woman claims she failed sobriety test because her large bosom threw her off balance A woman in Florida claims she failed a field sobriety test and was arrested for drunken driving because her 'big boobies' got in the way of her balancing. When officers didn't seem convinced of this explanation, Maureen J. Raymond, 49, tried to show them what she meant by trying to take her top off. They quickly put a stop to that, according to a police report. Police in Jensen Beach, Florida, stopped Raymond Sunday night after she was speeding and swerving through lanes of traffic. Before she was asked to perform any tests of whether she was sober, Raymond told the sheriff's deputy he 'needed to understand that she is big-chested and if I asked her to close her eyes and balance, she is not going to balance well.' Then Raymond, who is 5-foot-6 and 216 pounds, added: 'Big breasts, you don't balance well.' Deputies already suspected she was intoxicated because she wasn't listening to their instructions, her eyes were red and glassy and she had liquor on her breath. They also found a glass that smelled like it had contained alcohol in the back of her Toyota Camry. When the deputy asked Raymond whether she had any injuries, she replied: Big breasts and whiplash. It's unclear whether the two conditions were related. Despite her 'warning' deputies took Raymond through a series of field sobriety tests, all of which she proceeded to fail -- and most she blamed on her ample bosom. When she failed to walk a straight line she began, to dance. When the sheriff's deputy asked if she wanted to try again: 'She stated, "Hell no, with these," telling me she can't do it, not with her big boobies.' Later, when she failed to stand on one leg, she told the deputy she was off balance and that she would show him why. Raymond proceeded to take her clothes off to show the deputy her breasts. 'I stopped her,' the officer wrote. When she was asked to count from 60 to 90, the deputy noted that she seemed to be singing the numbers. Convinced that Raymond was above the legal blood alcohol limit, deputies arrested her and took her to the station for a breath test. When the breathalyzer machine was ready, the told the officer to wait. 'She told me she was praying and that I need to relax because she is praying and God is first,' the officer wrote. She failed to provide a valid breath sample. Raymond was charged with driving under the influence and having an open container of alcohol.
Tech Support Pits: From: Steve Re: Modem not releasing phone line Dear Webby, I enjoy your humor letter and like to read the advice you give to people concerning their computer problems. I happen to have one now that I'm hoping you can solve. I am using a dial-up service (Bluelight) to get onto the internet, but now have the problem that it seems the service is not fully disconnecting because if I don't unplug the phone line from the computer, my phone will either be "dead" or will have a busy signal. I tried changing the phone cord and since it won't reconnect if the cord is not moved after making a connection once I don't see how the problem could be a hardware connection problem. Do you have any ideas? STEVE Dear Steve That problem is due to the modem not disconnecting properly. The better modems let you even temporarily disconnect to take a call, and resume the connection, as soon as the call is finished. Short of getting a better modem, to switch the incoming phone line from the modem to the phone, you need a Phone line AB switch. Making one is easy, easier for a kid with small fingers and good eye sight. If you know a kid, who is not scared of a soldering iron, they are really easy to make. You need one of those duplex surface mount phone outlets about the size of a match box. They cost $2 or less and have sockets for two phone lines. Then you need a tiny Double Pole, Double Throw switch. A toggle type is preferable, but any other type will do fine too, as long as it is not a momentary push button "bell" type. If you don't have any lying around, you can buy them from the RadioShack or any electronics store for around $2. A Double Pole, Double Throw switch has 6 prongs at the bottom. The red and the green of the incoming phone line get soldered to the middle pair, the red and the green from the two sockets get soldered to the side pairs. You can ignore the black and the yellow wires. Then drill a hole into the cover, and stick the switch into it. Usually those surface mount phone jacks have double-sided tape at the bottom. Peel the tape cover and stick it somewhere convenient, like the side of the monitor. You got the INcoming line going into the middle, and the switch "throws" it to either the A or the B side. Plug the phone into one jack and the modem into the other. With a slide switch, when the switch is on the phone side, the phone is connected. With a toggle switch, it is the opposite. When the paddle is on the phone side, the modem is connected. Now, instead of fussing with cables and wearing the connectors out, you have a convenient switch, that is probably good for 50,000 actions. You can buy phone line AB switches. They are advertised for $12 - $15, plus shipping, and you get a ridiculously large box full of Chinese air, plus the little components mentioned above. Here is a picture of a typical one: I am not kidding, those big boxes have absolutely NOTHING in them except a little switch. Here you see picture of a Surface Mount Duplex phone Jack: Have FUN! DearWebby
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"A curiosity-breeding little joker" is how Mark Twain described the typewriter. His Life on the Mississippi (1883) was the first book-length manuscript published that had been written on one of the new machines. It's rumored that a Twain's descendant wrote the first novel on a windows based computer. After losing a chapter when the machine crashed, she is said to have called the computer a #@*#@$ little *$%#@.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Side Mirrors Clear of Ice If you have those big rear view mirrors on your car or truck and you know an ice storm is coming, here's a cheap trick to keep them clean. Take two plastic grocery bags (one for each mirror) and two rubber bands and put the bags around the mirrors and secure them with the rubber band. It does not look great but it sure helps in the morning when it comes to cleaning the ice off the car or truck cause those mirrors are free and clear of ice! By Debradj from Illinois Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss!. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam. That was the good old days. Nowadays "Discuss!" would be considered an order, and as such the proper reply for a philosophy major would be: "Do you want fries with that?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters." Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters." Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Commie Taters." Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Aggie Taters." There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called, "Hezzie Taters." Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters." Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "SWEET TATERS."
» Memory Lane (Free Parking)





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Registry related programs 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, February 4

A friend asked me for the most cost effective way to reduce 
heating costs. 

Cover the attic floor with poly and make a very careful,
leakproof seal.
Then buy a few rolls of those cheap shopping bags, wad them 
up losely and fill shopping bags with those wads, and heave 
the filled one up into the attic.

If the attic has those idiotic louvres recommended by the oil
company and their paid shills, seal them air-tight.

With an airtight attic, no heated and paid for air is migrating 
up and out.

You will notice, that the drafts have stopped!
Checking windows and doors with a candle will no longer show
cold air blowing INTO the house, but a healthy balance. The 
candle flame will tilt towards the inside at the bottom and 
towards the outside at the top. That you can cope with. As long
as your house is not a chimney sucking your money up into the
attic and blowing it out those thilly louvres, you are way 
ahead of the game.

By the way, with those "insulation balls", if you have empty 
egg cartons or styrofoam peanuts or pieces, by all means
toss them into the bags too. The idea is to trap and lock air.
Whatever you got, that will trap air and stop it from moving,
will work on your behalf.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Of those who say nothing, few are silent. --- Thomas Neill Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke. --- Lynda Barry Never put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today. --- Douglas Ottati
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead." "How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Want To Bake Like a Pastry Chef At Home? Impress Your Friends And Family With Something Special Now YOU can make Chef Keiko’s pastries at home. Get the skills and tricks, not expensive ingredients.

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was re- sponsible for returning equipment to the proper owners before the start of the next season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Warren Melamed, 65, of Brentwood, Tennessee Impatient driver tries moving an ambulance MT. JULIET, Tenn. (AP) - A man hopped into a Wilson County ambulance that was blocking his car and tried to move it while paramedics were loading a patient. Mt. Juliet police told The Tennessean that paramedics heard the engine start and were able to stop 65-year-old Warren Melamed before he could move the ambulance. Melamed, of Brentwood, was arrested on Saturday on one count of unauthorized use of a vehicle. Melamed told officers he was mad because the ambulance was blocking his car.
Tech Support Pits: From: Lynne Re: Registry check and repair Dear Webby, First I want to let you know that I enjoy your daily letter, and have taken your advise with many of your solutions. Next, I am not having any problems with my computer, but when I run the Registry Booster, it indicates that I have over 200 errors. I have used registry cleanup programs in the past and deleted what was indicated should be removed and discovered that was a big mistake and ended up having to reformat my computer Can you tell me what program you use to clean up your computer registry? And where can I find a listing of the files that should never be deleted from the registry? Thanks for your help, Lynne Dear Lynne All registry related programs exaggerate in the trial or example show. Some show you thousands of bad entries, which is usually ridiculous. I use Uniblue Registry Booster and am happy with it. It knows which files to leave alone. By the way, it is not simply a matter of deleting files, but cleaning up settings. Quite often Windows leaves settings in there, that point to programs or events or files, that have become obsolete years ago. Often you also find multiple settings turning the same thing off and on and off and on. Stuff like that just slows everything down. 200 wrong settings is not outrageous at all. As you have found, some registry related programs cause more problems than they fix..That is why I did a bunch of comparison testing and settled on Uniblue Registry Booster.. It became the only registry related program, that I use and recommend. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Side Mirrors Clear of Ice If you have those big rear view mirrors on your car or truck and you know an ice storm is coming, here's a cheap trick to keep them clean. Take two plastic grocery bags (one for each mirror) and two rubber bands and put the bags around the mirrors and secure them with the rubber band. It does not look great but it sure helps in the morning when it comes to cleaning the ice off the car or truck cause those mirrors are free and clear of ice! By Debradj from Illinois Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
» Art of Carnovsky





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Hot-Key for starting a new doc 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, February 3
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Thank you John !
Thank you Eddie!

Yesterday's eye exam sure messed up my vision, and all I got
out of it is yet another referal to an even farther distant specialist.
I am sure glad, that Barb was doing the driving. The way they
poured that stuff into my eyes, I never would have been able to
drive back against the setting sun.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"Virgin Airlines announced that their new giant double-decker airplane has a private bar. It's a private bar? Is there a big problem with passengers from other planes stopping in for a drink?" --- Jay Leno "A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms." --- Craig Ferguson I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. --- Henny Youngman --------Yes, they do! April 1
Another excuse for a student's being late for school: Arnie came into the office looking somewhat tired and bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour tardiness. "Our chickens have been disappearing." He said. "And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But nothing happened for several nights. Then last night about 3 o'clock, Pa got me and Ol' Blue, our dog, and his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with him to the chicken house to see what was going on." He went on. "Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and as he bent over to go into the chicken house, Ol' Blue cold-nosed Pa where he didn't expect it. Both barrels went off. Ever since then we've been up a-cleanin' and a-pluckin' more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 3 miles to school."
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

Thanks to Emma for this story: Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good?", I asked. She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Joel Bruss, 34 in Apple Valley, Minnesota DUI on Zamboni Another motorist has been arrested for driving a Zamboni while under the influence. On Monday evening, cops in Apple Valley, Minnesota busted Joel Bruss for suspicion of DWI. Bruss, 34, was collared at the Hayes Arena, where he operated the ice resurfacing vehicle. Bruss is pictured in a mug shot from an earlier arrest. According to police, cops were summoned to the rink by witnesses who watched as the Zamboni careened across the ice and bounced off the sideboards. When officers arrived, they saw Bruss, a part-time employee, “struggling to maneuver the Zamboni off the ice.” When cops approached Bruss, they noticed that he was “unsteady on his feet and smelled of an alcoholic beverage.” Arrested following the completion of field sobriety tests, Bruss was transported to the Apple Valley police station, where “blood alcohol testing was completed.”
Tech Support Pits:
The link to Mail Washer is here!
From: Eddie Re: Hot key to start a new doc
Hi Mr. Webby; Great to hear from you once again... and thank you for the many times that I have needed you assistance with my many ventures with computer problems and software... Ok, well now here it goes..... "How do you create a "New Document" in a folder using MS 2010 Word" without exiting out of the folder? ............... or ............. how can I add a tool in the toolbar to create this new word document? May this year brings you all what you desire, with peace with harm to none! Eddie Dear Eddie I am glad your ISP is not blocking me any more. I don't have MS Word, but once you are in it, most likely CTRL N will open a New doc. That has been the standard since long before MS Word and should work. The same hot-key also works fine in most other programs too, for example spreadsheets and graphics. Have FUN! DearWebby
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My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baking Soda for Facial Scrub Baking soda makes a fantastic facial scrub! Just mix around a teaspoon of baking soda with a little dab of mild liquid soap, and a drop or two of water. Be sure to rinse thoroughly with warm water. Your face will be soft and glowing. I used to spend around $25 on micro-derm abrasion scrubs for generally the same result. By Janet R. from Rossville, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old man say when you told him you were pregnant?" "You want me to leave out the profanities?" "Yeah, sure." "Nothing."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one." The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?" The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
» Fins and Scales





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Really Simple Spam Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, February 2

Thank you John !
Thank you Eddie!

Have you seen Ophelia's new Recipe section?
Today she has two Rumb Ball recipes, the traditional Southern
version with icing sugar and corn syrup, 
and the leaner Northern version. The Northern version looks
like it is sfe for diabetics and for people, who want 
to lose weight. You can get somebody plastered with 
healthy diet (rum) balls.

let her know which version you prefer, and above all, 
let her know if you like the recipe addition.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted. --- Jerome Blattner The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools. --- Doug Larson
Thanks to Cora for this story: I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm. "I wonder why he didn't land," I said. "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented. "No," my seat mate said, without looking out the window. "It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked. "Because," the man informed me, "I'm the only one, who can get the snow plow started ." ------------- Planes in the Arctic often have skis mounted a bit higher than the wheels and have a hydraulic hand pump to pump them down when needed. Yes, you guessed it, that used to be my job, aside from loading and unloading, lying on top of the cargo during the sprint down the runway and scrambling to the front as soon as we were a foot above ground. Before landing on a lake or river, flying low over the landing area is mandatory. It blows loose snow away, and reveals snow drifts. A sneaky snow drift will cause the plane to suddenly nose over and look really embarrassing. When there is a certain type of overcast, it is impossible to see snowdrifts. Under those conditions, I had to toss out a plumb-bob on a hundred foot line and we did another turn to check the line it "wrote" into the snow. It sure revealed snow drifts!
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off." When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What in heaven is she expecting?" yelled the Officer. "Me." said the soldier simply.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Hoons, 22, in Kadina, Australia Donut burner busted after posting video on YouTube A P-PLATE (Provisional License) driver who posted video of his antics on YouTube faces eight dangerous driving charges and losing his car forever. The 22-year-old from Kadina, on South Australia's Yorke Peninsula, has had his Holden Commodore impounded for 28 days, police said today. He was nabbed after footage of his alleged driving offences was uploaded to YouTube and police learned about his alleged behaviour on roads near Kadina. He will be summonsed to appear in court at a later date to face charges including driving in a dangerous manner, misuse of a motor vehicle and producing excessive noise and smoke, police said in a statement. Police will ask the court to have the car permanently forfeited. The man is the holder of a provisional license and will be subject to disqualification, police said. The driving is nothng outrageous, just a 22 year old acting like a kid and burning donuts with an old, rear-wheel drive car that has the rear brakes disconnected or worn out and a bad muffler, on a deserted country road. Here is the video It's just very tame, childish first gear donuts, not a big deal, and in most places the cops would just grin about the dumb kids destroying their tires on an out of the way, deserted country road. However, posting it on YouTube as a bad example for other idiots, who might try that in a McDonalds parking lot and knock over garbage cans, is a definite No-No!
Tech Support Pits:
Correction: Got the link to Mail Washer link fixed.
From: Daniel Re: Simple spam control
Dear Webby: hello my friend, just wanted to tell you i'm still voting and ask a question. is there a spam blocker that will block spam before it get's to your comp. but at the same time be simple enough for a computer illerate like myself to use? thanks, daniel Dear Daniel Yes, there sure is. Just click on the Mailwasher button on the right side menu here in the Humor Letter. I have used it for a many years now and would be lost without it. I have tested many others, but always keep coming back to MailWsher. Mailwasher makes it ridiculously easy to create filters, that catch stuff that is trying to sneak through it's own already built in defenses. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Cora for this story: Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Cora, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Cora’s voice, “Dumbo,” she barked, “I dropped you off!” Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Cora retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen my car!”
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Curling Irons With teen girls in the house, it is a pain to keep curling irons, hair dryers, and flat irons tidy. I had an extra clean wastebasket (the small kind) and had an idea. It fits under my sink and I stand all of the above appliances inside. What a help! :) By Carol from Landisville, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Dear Lord", the pastor began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . " He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Dad, what is 'butt dust' ?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks, was shock proof to 60 G, could be driven over and even dropped from a plane. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee." The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill will ruin the keyboard !"
» Groundhog Day





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Canadian Imposter Alert 

At this time of year, there are northerners from places other than Canada trying to mix in in Florida.
You will have to be extra vigilant.
There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Chimo!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.

The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms. In order:

pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.

mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)

C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.

beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.

skidoo: Self-propelled tracked decapitation unit for teenagers.

muskeg: Boggy swampland.

duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's french and english.

deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile."

chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.

Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)

snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)

ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.

impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. And back!

toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.

chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)

Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over and passes out!

EH!




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Yearly Physical 

When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems.

He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."

So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!




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Simple Spam Contreol 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, February 1

In sheltered areas it is quite pleasant in the sunshine, but
Gullible Warming is definitely over. Temperatures are a few
degrees below what we got used to during the warming ripple.
It's back to normal again. Europe is finding that out the 
hard way. England is readying the military to help with the
weather emergency.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he fills out a job application form." --- Stanley J. Randall
"Emily," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" "Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because like, I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." "Oh, English class." replied the smiling teacher.
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."
Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Leigh Van Bryan, 26, and Emily Bunting, 29 Morons barred from entering US Two morons were barred from entering the US after tweets joking about "destroying America" were picked up by the country's anti-terror cops. US special agents monitoring Twitter spotted Leigh Van Bryan's messages weeks before he left for a holiday in Los Angeles with pal Emily Bunting. Leigh, who also quipped about "digging up Marilyn Monroe" on Twitter, said they were treated like terrorists on arrival at a Los Angeles International Airport. The pair were held by armed guards and quizzed for five hours before being handcuffed, put in a van with illegal immigrants and locked up overnight. They spent 12 hours in separate holding cells and were then put on a flight home. Leigh, 26, was kept under armed guard in a cell with Mexican drug dealers. The Department of Homeland Security flagged up Leigh as a potential threat when he posted a Twitter message to his pals ahead of his trip to Hollywood. It read: "Free this week, for quick gossip/prep before I go and destroy America". Despite telling officials at LAX airport the term "destroy" was British slang for partying, the pair were held on suspicion of planning to "commit crimes". Irishman Leigh, a bar manager from Coventry, said: "It's almost funny now but at the time it was really scary. Even though they were not considered competent enough to actually do any damage, apparently there was no need to let morons like them into the US.
Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: Simple spam control Dear Webby: hello my friend, just wanted to tell you i'm still voting and ask a question. is there a spam blocker that will block spam before it get's to your comp. but at the same time be simple enough for a computer illerate like myself to use? thanks, daniel Dear Daniel Yes, there sure is. Just click on the FireTrust Mailwasher button on the right side menu here in the Humor Letter. I have used it for a many years now and would be lost without it. I have tested many others, but always keep coming back to MailWsher. MailWasher makes it ridiculously easy to create filters, that catch stuff that is trying to sneak through it's own already built in defenses. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Port, however, just makes me fart."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mark Back of Drawers When Moving If you plan to refinish or move a dresser, chest, or any furniture with more than a couple of drawers; an easy way to remember where each drawer goes is mark on the back of the drawer with a marker pen with "A", "B", "C", "D" or "1", "2", "3", "4". On the inside, after removing the drawer write the corresponding letter or number in the opening. This will not show on the outside and will come in handy the next time you have to move the furniture. Some drawers appear to be the same size until you try to replace them and they don't seem to fit. By Linda from Arlington, Texas Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. He promptly returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed dead pumpkin from trunk".
» Balloon Art & Arch





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How to clean a laptop screen 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, January 31

Iran to give US bright pink toy spy drone as 'gift'
An Iranian toy maker has responded to US requests 
to return a downed RQ-170 spy drone by sending 
President Obama a bright pink model of the plane,
while mass production of copy-cat drones makes Israel
"very nervous".

Anticipating a profitable ruckus in the area, Russia opposes
UN, NATO and the Arab League in their threats to remove
Bashar, and is moving ships to more scenic locations. At the
speed they are going, they are expected to be "close enough"
before the UN comes to any confusion, ahem conclusion.

If against all expectations peace breaks out, they will move
some of those ships down to near Somalia as peace keepers
and pirate hunters, but they are prepared to spend the spring
Southeast of Cyprus, ready to run interference, if the Iranian
navy ships, that still mosey around the mediterranean, try to 
sneak closer to Gaza and force Israel to sink them.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor. --- Robert Frost,
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 4-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mifter?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her own business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "They are for my girlfriend". She replied with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! You muft have REALLY skwoowed up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through for the large version. Angels Trumpet
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Anthony Spicer, 29 in Lynwood was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Ghosts lead to conviction Anthony Spicer had a novel explanation for why he was in an abandoned school that also had its copper pipes cut – ghosts. Spicer, 29, of Linwood, told police and the judge he only went into Linwood School, 4900 Eastern Avenue, because he was looking for ghosts. “When you were in there looking for ghosts, is that when you found the (pipe) cutters?” Hamilton County Common Pleas Court Judge Norbert Nadel asked him. “It’s supposed to be haunted,” said Spicer who lives near the school. “You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?” Nadel aske The judge then asked if Spicer took the bag -- which the judge believed was to be used to carry copper pipes out of the school -- in with him to fight ghosts. “Did the ghosts cut the copper pipes?” Nadel asked. Spicer didn’t give a good answer. Copper pipes often are stolen and sold at scrap yards. Spicer pleaded guilty last month to breaking and entering in exchange for prosecutors dropping a charge of possession of criminal tools. Nadel placed Spicer on probation for three years, ordered him to get a job and to pay $740 in restitution -- $440 for damage to some of the copper pipes and $300 to replace the window broken to get into the school.
Tech Support Pits: From: Dqavid Re: Laptop Monitor cleaning Hiya Webby, Very interesting monitor cleaning info but what do you suggest for a laptop screen? Love the Humor letter. David Dear David Exactly the same thing. The same as with cameras and eye glasses, don't spare the liquid! It is always a choice of liquid versus friction. A lot of people have a mini lectern or stand for their laptop, to raise the screen up to the same level as if it was a desktop monitor, and to make room for a decent, external keyboard. It only takes a second to turn the laptop upside down on the lectern to clean it, and have liquid drip onto the towel below, instead of running into the keyboard or even deeper. Letting it dry overnight of course is also a good idea. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Dorothy for this story: My son was in the process of bineg potty trained. One summer day, he came in from outside, all wet. I asked, "Did you have an accident?". "Yes.", he replied. "Well," I asked, "what did you do, water the trees, the bushes,...?" "Oh, no," he replied. "I went in the garage." Shocked, I responded, "Well, you shouldn't do that. It will start to stink and draw flies; now I'll have to go out and hose down the garage." My son replied happily, " But Mom, it's OK, I didn't go in our garage, I went in Jane's garage!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dry Milk for Cooking For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand for everything else. There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure exactly what I need. By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What were you before you came to school, boys and girls?" asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say 'babies'. She was disappointed when all the children cried out, "Happy!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One spring evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with daddy." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
» Blues on the Bay
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father. His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career." "Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"





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How to clean a monitor 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, January 30

Thank you, Sandi !
Sandi was the good news,

These news are rather disturbing!
Forgotten in Jail in New Mexico

Also disturbing are the news from Oakland, where a bunch
of masked chickenshits went on a vandalizing spree, including
burning an American flag inside a historical building. They cost
the local tax payers over two Million dollars. 

Apparently they were masked, so that their parents would not 
recognize them and cut off their allowance. The cops arrested 
over 300 of them, and plan to publish their names.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Talent hits the target no one else can hit, Genius hits the target no one else can see. --- Schopenhauer To err is human-- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --- Robert Orben You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it. --- Socratex
MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; At times she'll be vengeful, merry, and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. MOODS OF A MAN Hungry, Horny (Not always in that order)
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist. Click on Guilt FREE Chocolate!

A woman walked into her house to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies" he responded. "Oh, killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on the TV remote, 2 were on the phone."
Thanks to Eric for this picture: Click through for the large version. Hopefully these will work for you. One is a flowering bush and the other one is a California poppy. Both are at the Eaton Canyon Nature Center in Pasadena Ca Eric
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Shellie Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Burglar returning for more HOLIDAY — At first, on Wednesday, she helped herself to some craft supplies. And a knife. A purse. One hundred CDs. The window curtains. Shellie Leonard wanted more, authorities said, and on Thursday she went back to her neighbor's house on Dalwood Drive with plans to steal a computer and electronics. Her neighbor was incarcerated at the Pasco County jail. But Thursday happened to be the day the neighbor came home — and caught Leonard stealing, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office said. Leonard, 43, of 4004 Darlington Road in Holiday, was arrested and charged with two counts of burglary. Leonard remained Friday at the Pasco jail in lieu of $10,500 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Lynn Re: Monitor streaks Dear Webby What's the best way to clean a monitor? Mine shows streaks within a day or so of cleaning. Thanks Lynn Dear Lynn First, turn the monitor off for five minutes. You can leave the computer running, but turn the monitor off and ignore it for five minutes. Next, vacuum the entire monitor, but especially the screen, even if you can't see any dust on it. The dust is in the invisible little craters etched into the surface to make it less reflective. Then put an old towel below the front of the screen and sponge wipe the screen with plenty of window cleaner or vinegar. Use a very soft, non-abrasive sponge. Vacuum the screen dry. Repeat that a few times. Spray window cleaner onto the screen and wipe it off with micro fiber cloth or an old tee-shirt. Leave the drip towel in place because usually after a while all the excess liquid that seeped into the case will drip out somewhere. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. We normally sleep during your class."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dry Milk for Cooking For the past several months, I have been buying organic milk, which is more expensive then non organic milk. Since I use milk in many of my recipes, gravy, baking and sauces, I now buy the least expensive dry milk available and keep it on hand for everything else. There is no difference in texture or taste when used in baking, sauces and gravy. I keep the more expensive store-bought milk for drinking and to use on cereals only. The dry milk is good to have on hand. I find the container with the pour spout is less expensive then the packets and easier to measure exactly what I need. By Bobbie from Rockwall, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space soon?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A man started to snore in his seat in church. "Please stop snoring,Sir." the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others." "Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I donated enough to this church that I probably own this whole pew, not just this seat, and I'll do whatever I want." "Yes Sir," said the usher. "But you are keeping everybody awake."
» Star Gazing
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Can't trust anybody anymore!"





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Removing a trojan 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, January 29

A friend asked me to build a can crusher for her, like one 
I built for a relative with arthritis twenty years ago.
Well, I don't have a well stocked and equipped workshop
any more, but I learned to use Google.

Target sells a Norpro can crusher for $10.99:
http://snipurl.com/cancrusher

I don't think I could buy the materials to make one for
that price. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. --- Nan Fetcher If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? --- Albert Einstein "A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's." --- Richard Whately
Thanks to Jack for this story: Italian divers searching the stricken Costa Concordia... cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at a bar on the dry, upper side of the ship. They've told the divers to bugger off, because they have all inclusive tickets, and they still have 12 days left.
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Wisconsin, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. "I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing." "I'm just worried", said a third one, that if the modem or the Internet break down some day, and we have to do all this by hand!"
Click through for the large version. Balzers, Liechtenstein The stret lights at the left bottom are from Truebbach, Switzerland The orange street lights at the left center are from Balzers, Liechtenstein The ridge going up to the Mitterspitz is the Southern border between Liechtenstein and Switzerland. It is a 3 country peak. The horizon from the top to the left is the border to Austria. The view towards the East, where the rising sun is above the Silvretta, is across Switzerland and shows mountains in Austria. I used to work during summers just a few miles to the left of Balzers. Money was much better there, and I quite enjoyed bicycling, and 12 Miles was no problem at all.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Tina Cafarelli, 37, of Lynn, MA Woman Stole Soda Just For Can Deposit LYNN, MA -- Authorities say a Massachusetts woman bought $64 worth of soda using a stolen welfare benefits card, then immediately fed the full cans into the supermarket's automated redemption machine for the nickel deposit. Tina Cafarelli, of Lynn, pleaded not guilty Monday to charges including larceny, property destruction and receiving stolen property. She was ordered held on $250 bail. Police tell The Daily Item that the electronic benefits card Cafarelli used to buy the 18 12-packs of soda had another person's name on it. The supermarket manager says the full cans caused extensive damage to the redemption machine.
Tech Support Pits: From: Barbara Re: Trojan Horse removal Dear Webby: I thoroughly enjoy your ezine and look forward to reading it each day. My virus checker, AVG, says I have two imbedded virus': Trojan Horse Downloader.Qdown.C. They show in "btiein.dll" and "down.cab" As a relative novice, I am at a loss to know what to do, or how to get rid of them. What do I do? Thank you for your help. Barbara Dear Barbara Try to get that AVG to remove them. The better anti virus programs like McAfee nuke that sort of stuff as it tries to come into your machine, and you can set them to just quitely do their job and not bother telling you about it. That is the way I run it. I don't give a hoot if it nukes one or one hundred a day, as long as it keeps all of them off my machine. It also cleans machines that have already been infected. Try cleaning the infection with AVG, maybe it has an option in it to do that. If that does not work, get bigger ammo, like for example McAfee Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Rose for this one: One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Nail Brushes for Cleaning Small Spaces I rarely use a nail brush to clean under my nails, as I use the end of a nail file. So I have a small collection of nail brushes I've saved from gift sets (frugal people save anything they think they will eventually find a use for). I keep a couple of them by the sink in the laundry room and have found they are great for scrubbing small spaces - a little larger than an old toothbrush and smaller than a traditional scrub brush. They have come in handy time and time again. By Marie from West Dundee, ILhttp://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One of my first evenings back from a business trip, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the top of the stairway. I told her: "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter." Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was this bank where the employees went on strike leaving the bank officers to do the teller's tasks. While the strike was on, Jane called the bank, and asked if they were open. They told her they had two windows open upstairs in the office area. Then Jane asked, . . . "I'm afraid of heights, couldn't you just let me in though the back door?"
» Dakuwaga's Garden
Sam and Greg, two guys who both could play Santa without having to use a pillow to ensure their circumference is close to the same as their height, are in a pub. Sam indicating his empty glass, says to Greg, "Your round." Sam looks Greg in the eye and says, "So are you, Buddy !"





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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, January 28

A number of readers asked me about how the security and
customs rigmarole for traveling to and from Europe is these
days.

I had been warned, that medication has to be in the original 
containers and that I need to have my prescription with me.
That turned out to be a hoax. For Europe that is not  required.

Security check here in Canada was routine. Naturally, I did
not have any weapons or explosives, and knew the routine.
Jacket and belt off, laptop out of it's case, wallet and keys
into the tray. 

My head, which has some metal parts in it, caused a beep,
and prompted a manual scan, but no groping.

After coming off an International flight in Frankfurt and prior
to transferring to a local flight, I was briefly groped. 
Customs was easy. Just a passport check. I had some 
Saskatoon jam. They never noticed.

On returning security was "casual routine". I guess they
knew, that terrorists are not welcome in Canada, and
the check was fast.

Customs on returning to Canada was quite casual too.
They knew that everybody returning from Europe probably
has a few chocholate bars, but that everything else is 
cheaper in Canada and not worth lugging through an airport.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." --- Doris Day Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL". --- Michelle Obama
Thanks to Don for this story: There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Until she is totally exhausted. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
Valentines is coming up! Guilt Day! If you don't have chocolate or one of the things from this book, you will be made to feel guilty!
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still awake."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to George Melvin Mitchell, 26 and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32 Couple caught stealing 11 pregnancy tests; Man's bond more than $400K A Lufkin pair are in jail after police say they were caught stealing pregnancy tests from a pharmacy. One of the suspects now finds himself with a collective bond of more than $400,000. George Melvin Mitchell, 26, is now in custody on outstanding warrants which were apparently raised after he no-showed a court appearance. He has four $100,000 each on three drug charges and one assault charge. Included with new charges, his bond is set at $404,277. According to the police report, a person at CVS Pharmacy, located at 1200 block of Lufkin Avenue, called officers to the store at 7:39 p.m. in reference to an in-progress theft. The person reported the suspects, later identified as Mitchell and Kimberly Lang Harris, 32, had just left the store after stealing pregnancy tests. The person said that Mitchell went alone down an aisle where the tests were sold and then called Harris over to him. Harris then removed several pregnancy tests from their packaging and hid them in her purse and then both suspects left the store, the witness said. The witness said they left in a white Dodge Stratus and a nearby officer quickly found it going northbound on North Timberland Drive. Officers stopped the car at the intersection of Atkinson Drive and had to run after Mitchell, according to the report. One officer managed to stop him after showing him a TASER. According to the report, officers found crack cocaine on his possession. Following his arrest, Mitchell refused to provide his name, instead offering a profanity each time they asked. Officers finally managed to get Mitchell's identity from Harris, who was detained at the vehicle. Officers found 11 pregnancy tests in Harris' purse. Because Harris has at least two prior theft convictions, she is charged with a state jail felony. Mitchell was booked in on new charges of evading arrest, possession of a controlled substance, failure to identify and theft. Mitchell was first arrested in March, following an undercover investigation in 2010, in which he allegedly sold cocaine to confidential informants. According to Art Bauereiss, a prosecutor with the district attorney's office, Mitchell has six prior convictions and he missed a court appearance -- two likely reasons his bond has reached as high of a figure.
Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Spam from legitimate sites? Dear Webby I am a recipe collector. I am a member of several different cooking and recipe ezines, much like yours. There are a great deal of recipe web sites as you know. Some do not ask for your email address, however I have run across a couple that look to be good sites but they ask me for my email address and a bit about me, but they are not offering a weekly mailing. Am I likely to get spyware from these type of sites. How about commercial recipe sites i.e. Kraft, Nabisco and so forth, do these companies waste time spamming and putting spyware on these sites? Perhaps this is a dumb question, but I have my machine cleaned up and am trying to keep it fairly clean. Thank you for the suggestion of switching from Norton to McAfee, I am amazed at the difference of what get through. McAfee is so much better in my opinion. Thank you Ron Dear Ron The big and well known outfits are normally quite legit. When they have something to lose, they toe the line. Legit outfits also have UNsubscribe lines, that actually work. With unknown ones I would be a lot more careful. Just give them a disposable hotmail address and put a forward into the ho'mail to go to your earthlink address. If that hotmail address becomes a nuisance, dump it. You can set up a forwarding address for each subscription. That way, if one of them collects a lot of spam, then you know that that company has sold your address to the swine. Name those addresses so that you can instantly recognize, who sold your address. If a lot of spam goes to ron-bbqmag@whatever.com, then you know the leak is at bbqmag. Have FUN! DearWebby
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What She Says and What She Really Means I need = I want We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I maxed out your gold card. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead Yes = No No = No Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry I was wrong = Not as wrong as you Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse a Bird Bath Base Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the ground to give your garden extra zing. By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car... Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them, that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?"
» Iguazu Falls
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, January 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



This winter really changed my feelings about hoods. I always
felt, that they were just for kids and maybe really severe 
snow storms. Even riding dog sleds in the arctic, I rarely 
had a hood up. Well, in the bush you need to be reasonably 
alert and keep your peripheral vision unobstructed.

This winter, though, with the cold winds, and my blood
circulation not what it used to be, I have used the hood on my
parka more and more often, and today even considered adding
some material to it, to make it extend a bit further to the front.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself there. --- Fred Allen What some call health, if purchased by perpetua anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. --- George Dennison Prentice
Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Valentines is coming up! Chocolate has priority over beer.
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump." "A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" "A Nissan." As the parts guy writes down "Nissan, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too." "Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Nissan 280Z water pump, part number......
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Manolin Villaverde, 37 of Miami, FL Gangster tangles with United Flight Attendants A Miami man who exited an airplane lavatory smoking is facing a federal felony charge after he tangled with flight attendants who sought to have him extinguish his cigarette. The incident Tuesday evening came an hour into a United Airlines flight from Houston to Ontario, California, according to a U.S. District Court criminal complaint. Flight attendants told the FBI that passenger Manolin Villaverde, 37, “came out of the restroom smoking a cigarette.” When told that he could not smoke on the flight, “Villaverde responded that he did not care,” reported FBI Agent Gregory Morse. A flight attendant took the cigarette from Villaverde and extinguished it in the bathroom. Undeterred, Villaverde lit up another butt inside the Boeing 737. A second flight attendant “grabbed Villaverde’s cigarette and extinguished it and again told him to SIT DOWN!” Villaverde was eventually subdued by a flight attendant and tied to his seat with plastic handcuffs, after he sought to push past that attendant. He claimed that “the captain wanted to speak with him.” United's flight attendants are usually the grand-mothers of Westjet flight attendants, they are the original "Coffee, Tea or Me?" stews, and veterans of many bitter Union battles, and are rumored to be behind the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa. It is NOT a good idea to mess with them! Villaverde was charged yesterday with interfering with flight crew members. He is being held in advance of a detention hearing tomorrow morning in federal court in San Antonio (where the United flight was diverted). Villaverde’s rap sheet, which dates back to 2000, includes arrests for weapons possession, larceny, assault, and aggravated battery. Now tough guy enforcer got battered by a much tougher and aggravated flight attendant.
Tech Support Pits: From: Sr Anna Re: How do I view the page source now? Dear Webby, How do you view the page source now? I can't find it any more. Sr Anna Dear Sr Anna On Firefox it is still CTRL U On IE it is a bit more complicated: ALT P, then S or on some versions,ALT V, then C Have FUN! DearWebby
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A tale is told about a small town that had historically been "dry," but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern. A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene. It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible. The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that "no matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear. The tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and the Christians do not."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse a Bird Bath Base Recycle that base from your broken bird bath. Many times I have rescued the bottom portions of those broken concrete bird baths that are out for the trash. Just turn them over and sink the narrow top end into the ground by using a narrow bladed shovel or a post hole digger until it is sitting stable in the dirt. The solid concrete bases can be used as a plant display stand or you can put a large clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. The hollow bird bath bases can be used for a plant holder by sitting the pot in the base, or fill the base with potting soil and planting a plant in it, or, you can put a clay pot saucer on the top for a bird bath. Use your imagination! You can also paint or decorate the base before you place it in the ground to give your garden extra zing. By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When Bubba asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "No way," Bubba said, "Ol' Blue don't need none. I always do the drivin' these days. He drives way too fast and hits too many mail boxes!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked about?" And the clerk said, "Muggings on the sidewalk outside."
» WOW!
How to answer female telemarketers: **BEEP** You have reached the Breast Self-Examination Hotline. Press one to continue. (pause) Now, press the other one. **Click**





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, January 26

Here it was not clear enough to see the Northern Lights,
but here are some from Fairbanks
Northern Lights this week

Tromvik, Norway

Finland

There are lots more on the net, but these will get you started.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. --- Nicholas Butler A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. --- Willis Player
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Valentines is coming up! Chocolate has priority over beer.
Over 70 Guilt-Free Chocolate Recipes They Are All Original, Rich, Raw Delicious & Unbelievably Healthy Yet So Easy To Make! Our original chocolate recipes have all the delicious flavor,smoothness and decadence of what you love about chocolate, but with an amazing twist.

Human Resource Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to John R. Pacella, 38, in Willowbrook, Illinois Child molester got cops to beat the crap out of him Police in Willowbrook, Illinois, were surprised last week when they received a 4 a.m. emergency call from a man who "wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them," TribLocal reports. The man, 38-year-old John R. Pacella, wasn't kidding around either: As soon as police showed up at his door, he began pushing and shoving officers. The officers dispatched to respond to a registered sex offender's request for fighting them, were not intimidated, and after a brief thumping, he was promptly arrested. Pacella was later booked at DuPage County Jail with bail set at $100,000. He remains behind bars on charges of aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult, TribLocal reported. Police also told TribLocal that Pacella is a registered sex offender. The website Homefacts.com, which compiles neighborhood safety data including lists of registered sex offenders, has a profile for a John Rocco Pacella of Willowbrook, Illinois, whose record includes "Indecent Solicitation of a Child," according to the site. Isn't it amazing, what some people will do to earn a Bonehead award?
Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: How do I find a word on a web page? Dear Webby, How do I find a word on a long web page? A friend told me to use CTRL F3, but that knocks off the WiFi (Aircard). What do i do? Ann Dear Ann With FireFox use simply Ctrl F to Find. When you hit CTRL F, a little strip opens at the bottom left corner, asking you what it should FIND for you. It is an Incremental Find, that narrows the search down one letter at a time. If it beeps at you, then there is no point continuing, because there is no word on that page, that has the letters, that you have so far. Usually, that is a sign of a typo, and stops you from continuing with that typo in the search word. You can also use phrases consisting of a few words, and there is a Next and a Previous button beside it. It does not take much to get used to the CTRL F finder. It tends to become indispensable quickly. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor to get an appointment. When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If you die in the meantime, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Coffee Filters for Embroidery Machine Backing If you have an embroidery machine, don't buy that expensive backing. When I bought mine, the man told me to just go to the dollar store, buy some cheap coffee filters, and press them out. They work great! By roseoma3 from Liberal, MO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Just before the public viewing at a funeral parlor, a widow notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place. A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem. She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!" "Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie, how much did those three nails cost to put that toupee in place last month?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
At a diner, I was standing in line behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says 'reject'?" As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen, also the cook, calmly walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking about leaving a tip for the cook. Next you go check and see if McDonalds will take you back."
» Wonderful Critters
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"





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Flash for pictures of falling snow 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, January 25

Thank you, Ann D.!

Did any of you hear or read Obamanov's speech last night?
He is back into ridiculous promising and lying, just like during 
the election campaign. 

The sheeple won't notice, that he vetoed the Keystone
pipeline yet again a few days ago. They will fall for his promise
of North American energy and less dependence on far away 
and unstable suppliers. 

Is he THAT good a hypnotist?

Well, we are going to donate a pipeline and about 
250,000 jobs anyway. Just from Montana to Texas for now, 
and connect it to the tar sands later.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. --- Denis Waitley Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. --- Oscar Wilde
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring and it is hard to sleep up that close." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No, Ma'am, I don't." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered.
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Adam Blumenkranz, 43, from Los Angeles Caught smoking dope on plane NEWARK, N.J. (KABC) -- A Los Angeles man faces drug charges after he allegedly smoked pot on a JetBlue flight to New Jersey on Monday. Authorities said 43-year-old Adam Blumenkranz dropped a bag on the plane that the flight attendant believed to be marijuana. She handed it back to him and planned to speak to authorities after landing. During the flight, Blumenkranz allegedly went to the bathroom and smoked the marijuana. The crew reported that when he emerged, there was a strong smell of marijuana. Airport police say Blumenkranz claimed it was for medicinal purposes. Blumenkranz has been charged with possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia. He was ordered to appear in court in Elizabeth, New Jersey, by Jan. 27. --------------- Airplane washrooms don't have an exhaust fan. Air leaks into the washroom around the door and sometimes a grill low down on the door. They exhaust the used air and any farts down through the toilet and to the outside. I don't smoke any more since late February last year, but I still remember the protocol. When there is a line-up, smoking is a definite No-No! On late night or overnight flights, when most people are sleeping and nobody has gone to the washrooms for a while, you can get away with it without any fuss. You have to bend down low over the toilet and use a jacket to further confine the smoke. Your cigarette may be difficult to light in the strong draft, but that tells you, that your smoke is not going to be bothering the next washroom user. THAT is the most important part of the protocol. Don't worry about the stewardesses. They do the same thing. Just make sure no passengers complain to them.
Tech Support Pits: From: Art Re: Digital pictures and flash Dear Webby, I read some of your older posts in the archive. You sound like you rally hate flash. Other than for mug- shots of crooks and mother-in-laws, is there ANY time you would use flash, or do you simply NEVER use it? Art Dear Art There are some exception: Falling snow, smoke, fog. If you want falling snow to show up, use flash. The same goes for Halloween pictures. You can nicely enhance them with some smoke. The flash brings out the smoke like a fairly bright ghost. The closer to the camera, the brighter the ghost will be. Cigarette smoke blown up into the path of the flash works great! Sand storms also can be enhanced nicely with flash. However, keep in mind to NEVER shoot against a sand storm unless you have a cheap UV filter in front of the camera lens. A sandstorm will wreck the coating on the camera lens. Also, avoid shooting downwind. If possible shoot at a right angle to the storm and use the anti-red-eye pre-flash. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it." The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try. So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity. The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing. The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also. The first golfer said "Sure!" They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!" The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball you aced."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Vinyl Coupon Sorter for Receipts I have a vinyl coupon sorter that is divided into categories (Grocery, Target, etc. and family members names and receipts awaiting reimbursement or rebates) Each time I purchase an item, I place the receipt in the corresponding file. Be sure to get into the regular habit of doing this or your file will cause you more aggravation than it is worth! When I need to make a return or request a price adjustment the receipt is available. About once a month, I empty the receipts in an envelope and save for about a month before shredding. Occasionally, I'll get to the grocery store without my coupons. When I get home, I match up my coupons with the receipt and have them redeemed the next time I am at the store. By Diana from Prospect, KY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your incredible sense of humor."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?' The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No Kidding! What happened next?'"
» Bug Mac 3D
The Father, passing through his son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window, "Whadoya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Just dump him on the front porch and we'll drag him in in the morning."





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Hotkey to log what is in the clipboard 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, January 24

The days are getting noticeably longer. That always makes
the child in me happy. As a kid I was always told to 
"Go play outside", which meant playing outside until it got too
dark and somebody yelled. In summer that meant first an 
hour of weeding before free playiong, but in wwinter, once
I had spaded over the entire garden, all play was free style.

Therefore, more minutes of daylight meant more minutes 
of play before going inside and doing homework! 
I don't remember ever doing homework by natural light.

When I was old enough, so that I could ride my mom's
bicycle, just standing on the pedals, with the seat poking
me into the neck, I used to bicycle to Switzerland to bring
back sugar. It was exported to Switzerland with some
subsidy and sold there for less, than what it cost in Austria.
That left a nice profit margin for an enterprising kid!

After a year of that I started borrowing dads bicycle. That 
meant standing on the pedals kinda crooked because of
the horizontal bar, but dad's bike was a THREE SPEED!
I was FLYING with that bike! 

It must have looked hilarious, but I enjoyed it!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. --- Abraham Lincoln No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather. --- Michael Pritchard Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses. --- Socratex
First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud. "Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?" "Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95 ?", Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."
Thanks to Pam and Gary for this picture of grosbeaks in front of their cabin in the Yukon Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, Grand Forks, North Dakota Dopey mom and babbling kid After North Dakota cops pulled over a vehicle and recognized the strong odor of pot, the driver’s four-year-old daughter gave officers the lowdown on the ownership of drug paraphernalia found in the car. "That’s mommy’s," the girl said in reference to a glass marijuana pipe that police found in the auto’s back seat (where she was seated with her one-year-old brother). The child then added, "Mommy smokes weed all the time," according to a Grand Forks County Sheriff’s Office report. Kaitlyn Campbell, 20, was charged with felony child endangerment and misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia in connection with the traffic stop last Thursday. A passenger in the 2007 Chevrolet Malibu was hit with the same charges (and a drug possession count after she claimed ownership of pot found in the car). Campbell, pictured in the above mug shot, is currently free on bail. She is scheduled for a preliminary hearing on February 27.
Tech Support Pits: From: Horace Re: Hot Key Dear Webby, That CTRL ALT Z hotkey to toggle the sound off and on is absolutely brilliant! Can you create me something, that will add the content of the clipboard, what I just typed and and/or copied, to a text file, from which I can later put it into a spreadsheet or doc, without having that text file open and visible to everybody? Sounds confusing, but I am sure you can figure out what I mean. Thanks Horace Dear Horace That is actually a very common and much used concept. A program like that is usually called a "logger", because it creates a raw log of ideas or info. I remember writing one of those with a bat in the days of DOS, long before Windows. Same as with yesterday's tip, Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As. That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to. It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it includes a help file. After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please. Now that you are armed and dangerous, Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut Here is where we do something different from yesterday. Let's assume, your raw log file is c:\IDE\rawlog.txt Type or paste into the location box: nircmd.exe clipboard addfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt" Hit next and for the nickname, use Logger Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL. It will show CTRL + ALT + type L (or some suitable key) and hit Apply, OK. Now hit CTRL ALT L Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you really want it to do what you told it to do. YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again! After that, when you hit CTRL ALT L, whatever you have copied and have in the clipboard, is added to rawlog.txt. Like any decent logger, it does it silently, without any beeps or squawks. You can make an additional shortcut, with it's own hot-key, to copy the contents of that file into the clipboard, ready to paste into any spreadsheet or doc or other file. The command for that is nircmd.exe clipboard readfile "c:\IDE\rawlog.txt" If you rename rawlog.txt to for example Jan24log.txt, the CTRL ALT L will create a fresh rawlog.txt when you use it again the next day. Have FUN! DearWebby
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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you. I've never seen that big a pile of money in my whole life."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date Make Your Own Peanut Butter It's easy to save money on peanut butter. Buy bulk, unsalted peanuts and grind in a blender. Add salt as needed. We get our peanuts for $1.25 lb. I like $2.50 for a big jar of peanut butter, rather than $7 a jar, don't you? By Davidicdancer from Spokane, WA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman had to stop and think for a minute. Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs, and said, "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"
» Hubble Ultra 3D
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by checking and looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."





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Hot-Key for muting the sound 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, January 23
Thank you Miriam!

It warmed up to -6 today, but walking against the wind was
not that comfortable. It was very pretty, though, with the low
sun casting long shadows on the snow. 

I found it interesting, that deer prefer to walk in fresh snow
on lawns, but elk and moose prefer to walk on the 
hard packed snow on the road. I guess they are not worried
about any flimsy cars.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"If you have to write your ethical rules down, it's already too late" --- Tom Clancy
Thanks to Cheryl for this story: Senior Citizen Discount "$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount." I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time." All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Corvette. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast. As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey. The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Thanks to C.Odin C. for this story: An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
Click through for the large version. Attached picture is a view of the sunrise and the Blue Ridge Mountians taken from our back deck the other morning. Rich Troutville, Va
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Justin Canuto, 22, Farmington, NM Drunk driver hogtied by witness FARMINGTON, N.M. (AP) - New Mexico authorities say a witness hogtied a suspected drunken driver accused of barely avoiding several head-on collisions and then trying to run away once he was forced into a parking lot and confronted by people who saw what happened. The Farmington Daily Times reports that 22-year-old Justin Canuto was tied up after he pulled over Sunday in a Farmington parking lot. San Juan County sheriff's officials say he was seen minutes earlier driving southbound in the northbound lanes of U.S. 550 and nearly missed several oncoming motorists. A sergeant says Canuto became belligerent and tried to run away, prompting another man to tackle and hogtie him before sheriff's deputies arrived. Canuto was charged with drunken driving. While deputies don't recommend tying up suspected drunken drivers, no charges were filed against the man who tied Canuto.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amanda Re: Hotkey for muting Dear Webby, In the good old days of Windows 95, you gave me a hot-key to instantly mute the sound if a boss drove into the parking lot. That "Boss Key" worked fine on Windows 98 and Windows XP, but not on Blonde Windows. Waaahhh! Can you a new Boss Key? Thanks Amanda Dear Amanda Go to my Tool Box and grab NirCMD. It is just below the Instant EyeDropper. Right-click it and choose Save link As. That way YOU can tell it, where you want to save the zip-file to. It is very small. The only reason it is zipped up is because it includes a help file. After you unzip it, hit the nircmd.exe. It will offer to copy itself to the Windows folder. Yes, please. Now that you are armed and dangerous, Right-click on the desktop and choose New \ Shortcut Type or paste into the location box: "nircmd.exe” mutesysvolume 2 Hit next and for the nickname, use Boss Key or Mute Now right-click the new icon, and in it's properties, put the cursor into the Short-Cut Key slot, hold down CTRL. It will show CTRL + ALT + type Z and hit Apply, OK. Now hit CTRL ALT Z Windows will procrastinate and snivel about whether you really want it to do what you told it to do. YES, dammiit! And don'd ask me about it ever again! After that, when you hit CTRL ALT Z, the sound toggles off or on, instantly. Don't get too carried away with all the goodies mentioned in the nircmd help file. Remember the trouble you got into for setting your boss's Spell-Check hot-key to turn his monitor off! Have FUN! DearWebby
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My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a scuffle, my friend slammed him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Refurbished Printer Cartridge Expiration Date There is a date on each printer ink cartridge. There is evidently a microchip in the ink cartridge that tells the printer when that date has arrived. When that date gets here, it is considered to be an expired cartridge and will no longer work. I no longer refill them close to or past the expiration date, and I will open the box and check the expiration date of refurbished ones at the cash register before I drive all the way back home. Source: HP customer service rep By mom-from-missouri from NW Missouri http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Your best bet is to buy ink from a reputable supplier like Atlantic Inkjet .com, especially if you use an HP printer! The same applies to laser toner. Not just HP, but also Dell and Xerox build counter chips into the toner cartridges. Even if you print just one tiny dot of a certain color, it counts the page, and after a certain number of pages have been counted, the cartridge tells the printer, that it is empty. Because of that sleazy racket, it is extremely important to get your toner from a good and reputable supplier like Atlantic Inkjet .com. They are cheaper too, not just better. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. He told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to take the service for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone he knew was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are You?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Rev. Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did You let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
» Year of the dragon
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter marked "Private, for George only" came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'





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Password Encrypted Powerpoint 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, January 22
Thanks Catherine!

It warmed up to -16 today, even more in the sunshine, and I
quite enjoyed my 3 mile walk today. After this week, I think 
I will add half a mile to it and keep the speed up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --- Mark Twain
Out in space, two alien forms are speaking with each other. The first spaceman says, "The dominant life formed on that earth planet have developed satellite based weapons." The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first spaceman says, "I don't think so. They have them aimed at themselves."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, he drops the spare onto the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. "Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Michael West, 41, in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin Abuser Claimed "Ghost" Injured His Wife JANUARY 20--A Wisconsin man charged with domestic abuse told cops that a “ghost” was actually responsible for injuries suffered by his wife, according to police. The bizarre claim by Michael West, 41, did not prevent the Fond du Lac man’s arrest for strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. West is pictured in the mug shot above. According to a January 18 criminal complaint, West and his spouse got into an argument Sunday that turned violent. The victim told cops that West twice strangled her, and that he punched her in the face when she tried to dial 911. When cops arrived at the couple’s home, the crying woman was bleeding from the nose and had blood on her Packers jersey. During police questioning, West claimed his wife sustained her injuries to her face and neck during several falls. When pressed by a cop--who pointed to marks on the woman’s neck, the intoxicated West shifted his story. “A ghost did it,” he said. In light of the apparition claim, officers sought to place West in custody. After a struggle, he was handcuffed and transported to the county lockup, where he remains in custody in lieu of $1000 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amelia Re: Password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint Dear Webby, Somebody sent me a PPS file, that gives the error The loading of password encrypted Microslop Powerpoint presentation is not supported. I can sorta view it with that klutzy Powerpoint viewer, that you can't stop and resume, and have to start from scratch. Why do people go to the trouble of stealing pictures from all over the net, and then use that hateful password encryption, so that all you get is a fast preview at THEIR set speed? Is there a way to convert it short of using PrintScreen and pasting that to a file andrestarting the silly PPS? Amelia Dear Amelia Sounds like somebody got their daddy to buy them Microsoft Office, and now they want to rub that in with their soon to be FORMER friends. The password encryption is intended for training presentations and stuff, that should not be taken apart or viewd out of context, but NEVER for collections of pictures or anything recreational like that. That password encryption is very strong and I don't know of a way to crack it. However, by using the Backspace key you CAN stop the slide show. Then you can mouse around at the left bottom corner and make the 4 invisible icons visible. The third one has the option "SCREEN" in it, and that one has the option "SWITCH PROGRAMS". So, stop the slideshow with the backspace key, hit PrintScreen switch programs to your graphics program hit CTRL V to paste the screen shot ALT-TAB back to the slide show DOWN Arrow to advance to the next slide Yes, I know it is klutzy and tedious compared to the way you can enjoy unencrypted slide shows by using Open Office, but it DOES work. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on. "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!" "What is the secret tonic made from, if you don't mind me asking?" "Dandylion wine. It's the most prolific weed around here."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused. By Joynchocolate http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Fred for this: On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of Expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and trumpets a fart like the finale of an opera. Just before the elevator doors close behind her, she turns and whispers into the eyewatering fumes: "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
» Diesel Punks 2012
A couple are asleep in their beds late one night, when the wife thinks she hears a noise downstairs. She nudges her husband and whispers, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" he asks. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the broccoli casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" says the husband.





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Link Exchanges 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, January 21

Thanks, William!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts. --- Colette What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure. --- Samuel Johnson The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were. --- David Brinkley You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. --- Henry Ford Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. --- Niels Bohr
A perfectionist teacher demands the very best of all of her pupils. So it is only to be expected that she would get furious when one little fellow hands in a sloppily done homework paper. "This is the worst essay it has been my misfortune to read," the woman says through clenched teeth. "It has so many mistakes. I can't understand how one person could have made all these mistakes." "It wasn't just one person," the boy replies defensively. "My mom helped me."
Brew Beer at Home! Brew Beer Bible - The Ultimate Beer Brewing Guide Idiot proof step-by-step home brewing guide shows you how to make beer totally from scratch at home, even if you have absolutely no experience in brewing. Money back guarantee! Brew Beer for pennies! Trade it to friends for gas, meat, veggies, baking, cleaning, whatever! A glass of beer a day is good for you!

>From Susan: My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds that she had put on recently. "Good," I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too! We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I get the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," she replied. "I'll ride with you."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Meet Savannah “Bambam” Rios, 24, Salt lake City, Utah Cops Collar Bambam The Testicle Attacker The Utah woman, 24, is facing several felony charges: kidnapping, robbery, sexual abuse, etc., after a bizarre attack last week on a man she recently dated. Rios, pictured in the mug shot at right, allegedly confronted the man last Wednesday after he accused her of swiping some of his belongings. The victim told police that he went to meet with Rios at a Salt Lake City residence, where he “was lead to a back backroom” where she was seated on the bed. The male victim, identified only by the initials “G.A.”, said that Rios slapped him several times, pulled out a knife, and asked him, “You wanna die?” That’s when things got weird. According to a probable cause affidavit, Rios ordered “G.A.” to remove his clothes. After he complied, Rios grabbed the man’s belt and “wrapped it around her hand, and hit him several times in the ‘balls.’” After pleading for his life, the man told cops, Rios allowed him to get dressed. She then directed him to drive to his home, where she allegedly forced him to give her a DVD player, camera, and phones. On the way to the residence, Rios stabbed at “G.A” with the knife, police charged. While at the man’s home, Rios “observed a bank statement… and ordered him to the bank.” The victim, who withdrew $500 from his account, told her he had to go inside the bank and subsequently escaped and “ran for help at a nearby police station.” Rios, who was still in the vehicle when cops arrived, was arrested at the scene and booked into the Salt Lake County Jail. She remains locked up in lieu of $100,000 bail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Sylvie Re: Link Exchange Dear Webby, I keep getting mail from people wanting me to exchange links with them. They promise that it would include traffic to my site. Is there any truth to that? Sylvie Dear Sylvie Quite the opposite. If the search engines catch you linking to those spammers, then they penalize you and dump your hard earned ranking. Forget the rethoric and BS of the self styled Search Engine Optimizers. 99.99% of them are clueless con artists. The search engines spend very serious money to be relevant, to show what people are looking for, instead of showing some irrelevant garbage promoted by search engine "experts" trying to sneak around the rules. Just make sure your content is relevant and matches your site title, and you'll soon rank high in the search engines. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused. By Joynchocolate http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze politicians!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the circus. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Yes, I'm nine!" the boy said. The Irishman continued his loud heckling, still not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around, knocked the Irishman to the ground with his trunk and then stomped on him twice. The Irishman, crumpled and bleeding, staggered back to his feet and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "Lard, Thunder and Murphy, he's right!...Farty-two!"
» Harbin Ice 2012
That joke reminds me of this one: Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."





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Outside air for the computer 



Zoom the font size for best readability   
Good Morning,  !


Today is Friday, January 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Margee wrote:
Dear Webby,
Interesting point of view:
"just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe"
 
All this time I thought it was just a case
of "if it's not broke, why fix it?"

Regards, Margee  :)

Dear Margee
It IS broke.
With the deterioration of the Education system in the US,
not only kids, but a lot of teachers can't handle the fractions
and wacky conversions necessary in the old British Imperial
system.

The electricians were smart, they accepted the metric 
system without any whining, but most other trades have 
serious problems with today's youth.

Don't expect the current president to endorse the Metric
system, he even vetoed a metric pipeline and 430,000 jobs
donated by Canada, but maybe a year from now, talk
about it may get serious. 

Don't worry about it. It actually is a lot easier, and you'll
kick yourself for putting up with weird and illogical 
meaurements all this time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer. --- Sandie
One of the popular ideas bounced around for an Alternative Olympics are to have a special selection of Redneck Games, and they will even have their own ceremonies. They are reported to be a shoe-in for Alabama, but Tennessee is putting up a valiant fight. Proposed ideas for the events are as follows: 1. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. 2. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. 3. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. 4. Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Competition." 5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. 6. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. 7. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. 8. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. 9. Two words: Billy Bob-sledding. 10. Ballroom dancing will be replaced with a ho-down. The dance floor is inclined and has a porch railing. 11. The pistol in the hundred yard dash will be loaded with real bullets, just sos we can git a wurld recurd out of dem runners. 12. Beach volleyball will be replaced with tether ball
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," The officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly -- twenty-two miles an hour" the old woman said proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am", the officer says, "I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22 in Metal Township, Pennsylvania Couple Attempt To Blow Up Car With Flaming Tampons A man and woman stand accused of trying to blow up a car by setting fire to tampons which they tried to drop into its gas tank and also into it's oil filler hole under the hood. Patricia Deshong, 25, and Quentin Deshong, 22, were arrested after a witness reported them damaging the car outside a bar in Metal Township, Pennsylvania, earlier this month. Patricia Deshong also threw a beer bottle through the back window of a pick-up and stole it's license plate. The Deshongs spent a few days behind bars before they each posted $25,000 bond to secure their release.
Tech Support Pits: From: Duffy Re: Outside air for the computer Dear Webby, Our computer keeps shutting down and restarts with an error of CPU too hot. I realize that it does not get a lot of ventilation where it sits, but I could put a duct through the wall to the outside. Would the outside air hurt it? Duffy Dear Duffy The outside air won't hurt it at all. Just put a rain guard on it like you see on dryer vents. Staple some old panty-hose or fine mosquito mesh over the hole first, before you snap on the dryer vent cap. On the inside, put the side of the computer with the easily removable lid, with the lid removed, snug against the hole in the wall. I would also highly recommend that you unplug the computer, bring it to a counter or high table with good lighting, vacuum it out thoroughly and then remove the CPU fan. You can usually do that without tools, as long as there is good lighting and you can see the snaps and levers that hold it down. Under the fan there is a finned heatsink. Get ready for an ugly sight! Some of the dirt on the heatsink you can vacuum off, but it's best to remove it and wash it with regular dishwashing soap until you see clean aluminum. Don't skip that step! If you get a "CPU Hot" warning, the heat sink is always crusted with dirt. If you wait too long with cleaning the heat sink after you get that warning, the machine will die, so better get to it soon! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Gravel From Your Lawn Edge Getting the stones and gravel out of the edge of your lawn which were dumped by highway trucks for ice and snow is a tedious job. I found that using a shop vac is much easier and faster and does a very nice job. By Frances from Bath, PA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Three preachers decided to have a joint revival meeting. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten worst trouble makers!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. He said, "Yes, I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" asked the teacher. "Four," says little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" Little Johnny smiles and says, "A jack."
» Harbin Ice 2012
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively pasture, where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture, when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."





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Garbled email 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, January 19

A number of people wrote me how cold it is in their towns. 
I was amused, again, about the US still frantically clinging
to the OLD British Empire Imperial measurements. 
No independence from the British Empire yet. And they
don't seem to realize, that England has long gone Metric.
Wasn't it about 30 years ago, that the Queen told all her
subjects to "get with it!" ?

Metric is actually quite easy.
Water boils at 100 freezes at 0
and whisky freezes at -40, same aswith the British Imperial
-40.

Weights and dimensions are also easy.
A sugar cube measures a centimeter on each side.
So it is a cubic centimeter.
A cubic centimeter of water weighs one gram.
To raise it's temperature by 1 degree Celsius, 
requires one calorie.
And that's about it. 
All measurements convert to the next size by shifting the 
decimal point. No weird stuff, just move the decimal point.

There is no logical reason against the metric system,
just nostalgic yearning for the past, and pride of being the
only country in the entire Universe, who is still using the
good old Birtish Imperial System.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. --- George Bernard Shaw Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other. --- Ann Landers Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. --- Evelyn Waugh
The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a HUGE amount of material on the midterm exam. Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall. The following week, the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!"
Make wine at home! The Home Winemaker's Inner Circle Making Wine At Home Is Easy If You Know The Right Steps To Take. This Member's Only Site For Homemade Wine Gives You All The Secrets To Produce Delicious, Fine Wine. Never buy wine again and always have that glass of wine, that the doctor recommended. Have better than store-bought wine to drink or sell or trade! Make and have Wine at home!

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions ... and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, in Madison, Wisconsin Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop That's Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop to you. The man with the amazing name was born Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. He changed his name in October 2011, but got in trouble with Madison, Wisc. police on Jan. 5 when he was arrested for possession of a knife, marijuana, and drug paraphernalia. The unusually named 30-year-old man was in jail Sunday in Madison. Police say he violated his bail conditions from a previous run-in with the law. The Capital Times reports that Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was arrested last week after residents complained of excessive drinking and drug use near Reynolds Park in Madison. Authorities say he was arrested in another local park last April after police found a loaded handgun in his backpack. He's tentatively charged with carrying a concealed knife, and possession of drug paraphernalia and marijuana.
Tech Support Pits: From: Debbie Re: garbled emails Dear Webby, The humor letter is great Thanks! I hope you can give me a little insight as to why I receive emails that is full of useless words, just words all garbled up. Is it some kind of code or something? Some emails are the entire thing, some have just a paragraph at the end of a letter. Thanks, Debby Dear Debby Spam is for trashing, not for getting philosophical about. They are just putting crap in there to try and sneak past spam control programs, and then show their phony ads as a picture. And quite often they screw up on that too. Obviously, somebody who uses such a crooked approach is a crook, and not worth your time or money. Just trash their trash, but keep an eye out for anything, that those emails have in common, then make a filter for that common element. Thanks DearWebby
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One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it." "You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Plastic Lemons as a Vase I emptied this little lemon juice container and thought of using it for my kitchen counter with a few fresh flowers from the yard. I usually have something blooming year round, so a bloom or two brightens my day. Source: On a quest to recycle. By Great Granny Vi from Moorpark, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thant reminds me,.... A few years ago, Belinda decided to visit her brother who was stationed in Germany. She assumed that most Germans would speak English. But she found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched her ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. She simply nodded from time to time to show him that she was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if she spoke German. "No," she confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train, going in the wrong direction." -------------------------- Personally, I found last month that the staff on the express trains in Germany and Austria and Switzerland speaks English quite well and are quite eager to show it off. However, pretending you understand doesn't get you anywhere. You have to let them know what language you want them to use. Swiss train staff usually speak half a dozen languages fluently.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, a woman was asked by a security agent if she had any change in her pockets. "Gee," she says, turning towards her husband, I told you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here expects to be tipped."





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Bob Rae 

The Committee to Prevent Useful Idiots From Being Elected supports this video



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