Dear Webby: How can I tell if the memory is full? 



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Monday,  March 31, 2008


People want economy and they will pay any price to get it. --- Lee Iacocca I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. --- Douglas Adams We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." --- Elayne Boosler
John's beloved old super economy car was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim. Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"
YOUR ad could be here!

The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well. This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide the good example and escape the tattlers. One night, however, after a long, hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place. His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, "A spot of tea, Bishop?" "No, thank you," he managed. "No tea." "Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?" "No coffee either, thank you." In the spirit of triage, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could bring you a scotch and soda in a coffee mug?" "My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ronald Long from Deep Water, Missouri Too cheap to buy a long drillbit March 30, 2008 - Sedalia, Missouri - KMBC News Officials are trying to determine whether to file charges against a man who fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite television system in their home. Patsy D. Long, 34, of Deep Water, was pronounced dead early Saturday evening after being shot in the chest with a .22-caliber handgun. Patsy Long was standing outside the residence while her husband was installing a satellite television system. According to sheriff's department spokesman Maj. Robert Hills, Ronald Long fired a shot from the inside of their home after several unsuccessful efforts to punch a hole through the exterior wall using other means. Investigators said Ronald Long believed his family was inside the house. He told authorities that he fired a second shot, then called out his wife's name and the names of their two children. When he got no reply, he ran outside and found his wounded wife. Hills said a person involved in such a case normally would be charged with manslaughter, but that was up to the prosecutor. Hills described the family as being very "distraught." http://www.kmbc.com/news/15701029/detail.html --------------- Up to 8 foot long "bell hanger" bits and augers are available at any decent electrical contractors supply store at surprisingly low prices. They even have a little hole drilled into the flute near the tip, so that you can attach the cable to it and pull the cable through the wall, when you pull the drill bit back. The shafts of bell hanger bits are flexible so that the drill can easily go around pipes, or for drilling from one electrical outlet box to another one on the next floor. Shooting a wall is extremely dumb, because any pipe or metal can deflect the bullet and send it off in an unexpected direction. So, if you need to pull some cable or wire through thick walls, get a long bell hanger bit. I hate losing subscribers! DearWebby
Click here to Top Secret Fat Loss Secret
Thanks to Joan for forwarding this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yorkie Re: Memory full CAN YOU TELL ME HOW I KNOW IF MY MEMORY IS FULL? Dear Yorkie When you save a picture from a page, and Windows wants to save it as a .BMP file instead of JPG or GIF, then your RAM memory is so full that pretty soon programs will start to lock up. Then it's time to log off AOL, run CrapCleaner or reboot. DearWebby

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs. "Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!" "That will teach them!" said Mr. Steinfeld. "I just hope they don't die in the house!"

Deeli's Kudos March 30, 2008 - Los Angeles, California - UPI A veteran female Los Angeles police officer has been accepted into the SWAT training program, putting her on track to be the first woman in the elite unit. An internal Los Angeles Police Department e-mail indicated that Jennifer Grasso was one of 13 officers accepted into the 12-week course, which begins Monday. There are six openings in the 60-member SWAT team, and the department could either eliminate some of the candidates during training or place some on a waiting list. No one seems to doubt Grasso's ability. "Physically, she's a dynamo and tactically she's very solid," a member of the SWAT team said. "She'd be a good selection." http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-325510-512309

Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was *like brand-new” and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays. He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day. The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales. Bill grinned, “Well they didn’t believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by a nymphomaniac who only used the backseat.....”

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fixing Tweezers Have your tweezers flattened out and lost their spring? Close the tweezers with a pencil placed halfway between the hinge and the points to increase the bend. Then they should grip again. Before bending the tweezers it is a good idea to first true the tips by pulling a double-sided diamond grit nail file or folded sandpaper sideways through the tips a few times. The sideways wipe will leave a microscopic version of the serration on pliers. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

7 year old Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked. His mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "Did God send you too, Mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes, Dear, He did." replied his mother. "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked little Johnny. Again the answer was "yes." Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?....No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Find dead links
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Can't get the mail out 



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Sunday,  March 30, 2008


Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway. --- Elbert Hubbard Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. --- William Feather
Thanks to Bob for this story: I dont know how funny this is when you werent there, but it was hysterical at the time. When Bart (my son) was getting his first radiation treatment, he expressed concern at the radiation to other parts of his body - citing the example of the lead shield at the dentist. They gave him a great long speech about how perfected the radiation equipment was that it wouldnt irradiate anywhere but the pinpoint precision area that they were targeting and not to worry about a thing. They went on and on about it then said "ok excuse us while we go down the hall behind the lead shield."
A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver: "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, "sixty- five at least." The woman replied: I don't think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a teen in Cary, Ill More fire than sense March 24, 2008 - Cary, Illinois - UPI A house in Cary, Ill., sustained about $75,000 in damage when a teenager working on a school assignment set the home on fire, authorities said. When firefighters arrived they found flames in a bedroom had moved to the hallway and damaged three other upstairs rooms, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported. Two teens and a family cat safely escaped the fire, authorities said. Officials decided the blaze began accidentally after a teen dropped a flaming piece of paper into a garbage can. The teen was trying to antique the paper by setting fire to its edges, authorities said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Thanks to my dad for this picture: Thelocactus-Leucanthuus This one bloomed today
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sam Re: Not getting my mail out Dear Webby, I am writing this from my daughter's computer. Any mail I send to you or almost everyone, never gets there. Yet a few people do get it. What am I doing wrong? By the way, my own email address is samtc@***.com Sam Dear Sam I found your samtc address in my blacklist. Most likely all your other contact also have you blacklisted. Have you at one time been a silly nuisance and annoyed people with an a%to-responder? With today's spam protection programs it is common and normal to automatically blacklist nuisance mail like a%to-responders. If I sent the Humor Letter out with that word in the subject line, I would probably get ten thousand bounces or complaints that it did not arrive. Even worse are automatic confirmation requests sent out automatically. Some of them collect email addresses for spam purposes, the rest of them are often so insecure that spammers routinely raid them and harvest the addresses. Naturally, those will get you blacklisted too. About all you can do is change your address to one that has not been blacklisted, and make sure that you are not using anything that looks like you are being a nuisance again. DearWebby

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Deeli's Kudos March 27, 2008 - Los Angeles, California - Happy News Finding it hard to express just the right sentiment to your loved one in prison? A Los Angeles company may have the answer. Attorney Terrye L. Cheathem noticed a market Hallmark wasn't serving and founded Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates. ''With more than 2.5 million people incarcerated in the Unites States today, I saw that there was a tremendous need,'' she said. Some express simple good wishes: ''We are all praying for you while you do your time.'' But most show a tougher sort of love. A Christmas greeting partly reads: ''You had the choice to be 'naughty or nice.' And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time.'' Cheathem said she came up with the cards when her brother-in-law served 11 months in prison. She said she went searching for the appropriate greeting card, but couldn't find what she was looking for. ''There weren't any cards on the shelf that said anything like, 'Hey, you must make better choices,''' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/3262008/c ... nmates.htm

Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Contact Lenses Before cleaning your contact lenses, close the drain in your bathroom sink or cover it with a washcloth. This will keep the lenses from going down the drain if you drop them. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked the second, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Thirteenth Element
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Dear Webby: Which computer now? 



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Good Morning,  !

Saturday,  March 29, 2008


Instruction does much, but encouragement does everything. --- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The Frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like to have triplets."
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before the end of the Easter break, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate. They were only household projects that had awaited me all winter. When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH." "Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mandy Hamlin, "37" from Texas Beeping Whiner March 28, 2008 - Texas - AP A Texas woman who said she was forced to remove a nipple barbell with pliers in order to board an airplane called for an apology by federal security agents and a civil rights investigation. Hamlin, 37, said she was trying to board a flight on Feb. 24 when she was scanned by a Transportation Security Administration agent after passing through a larger metal detector. Hamlin said she told the woman she was wearing nipple piercings. The agent said she would have to remove whatever was causing beeps. Hamlin said she could not remove them and asked whether she could instead display her pierced breasts in private to the female agent. But was told she could not board her flight until she stopped beeping. She was taken behind a curtain and managed to remove one bar-shaped piercing but had trouble with the second. Crying, she informed the TSA officer that she could not remove it without the help of pliers, and the officer gave a pair to her. On its Web site, the TSA warns that passengers "may be additionally screened because of hidden items such as body piercing, which alarm the metal detector." Hamlin said she might consider legal action if the TSA does not apologize. http://abcnews.go.com/US/WireStory?id=4 ... amp;page=2 ----------------------------- Not likely that the TSA will change procedures. A beep indicates iron or magnetizable metal. Pointing to used printer parts hanging visibly in front does not ensure that there are no boxcutter blades elsewhere. By the way, jewelry metal usually does not cause any beeps. Keep the used printer hardware in the checked luggage, not in the bra!

Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nital Re: What computer do you recommend? Dear Webby, Please tell me what brand of computer you do recommend? We are getting 4" of snow today very late for us, must be global warming. Thank you Nita Dear Nita We got 2" of that white Global Warming Remedy last night. It seems Mother Nature is trying to give the Algorian sheep a few more hints. If I had to get a new computer now, I would get a DELL, with 3 year next-day on-site repair/replace warranty. I realize that that warranty adds $200 to the cost of the machine, but if something fails, I simply tell them that THEY have a problem. As long as it is on next-day warranty, THEY have to scramble. Except when a problem happens on a Friday evening, they do show up the next day and start swapping parts until everything is like new. With heavy use like my machines get, it is reasonable to expect that something wears out within 3 years. But that is THEIR problem '-) I used to build and sell computers in the 80's and 90's, but there is no way I can do it as cheaply as Dell, especially considering the time to install and set up the OS and software. DearWebby

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally, she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed, "I'm in awe of your faith, pastor." "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is written on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Deeli's Kudos March 25, 2006 - Camas, Washington - UPI Police in Camas, Wash., said a 66-year-old woman chased down and wrestled a 22-year-old armed robber to the ground. Joshua Crowley was arrested on suspicion of armed robbery after he allegedly held up a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise at knifepoint. A store clerk dialed 911 immediately after the suspect exited the fast-food restaurant and the manager ran outside and alerted drive-through customers and passersby that the store had been robbed and pointed out the suspect as he fled. Mary Chamberlain, 66, one of the motorists alerted by the manager, followed Crowley in her car before exiting the vehicle and confronting the suspect, police said. She wrestled Crowley to the ground. Police arrived within minutes and arrested the robber. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Children's Books on Tape If you have children or grandchildren a neat gift you can make is a book on tape. Tape yourself reading a children's book. Include announcements about when to turn the page. Then give the tape or CD, along with the book as a present. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man told his friend, "I haven't been feeling very well, so I visited the doctor yesterday." His friend was concerned and asked, "Did he find out what you had?" "Almost," answered the man. "What do you mean by 'almost'?" asked his friend. "Well," the man continued, "I had $76.50 and he charged me $75.00."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Black Lights
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Dear Webby: How do I restore a lost recycle bin icon? 



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Good Morning,  !

Friday,  March 27, 2008
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!


If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. --- Dorothy Parker The way to enlightenment is simply that of surrendering the barriers that preclude the state of realization." —Dr. David Hawkins Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. --- Will Rogers
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to visit her!"
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter just would not end this year. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said. "It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Angelica Buchanan, 22, Long Island, NY Too drunk to dress March 26, 2008 - Yonkers, New York - AP Suburban New York police say a drunken driver had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car. Oh, they also say she didn't have any pants on. Yonkers police say 22-year-old Long Island resident Angelica Buchanan was found Saturday standing bottomless in a street near her car. They say she was so drunk she had to be hospitalized. Police say she claimed she wasn't wearing pants because she needed to use the bathroom. They've charged her with driving while intoxicated, unlicensed operation of a vehicle and marijuana possession. http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/storie ... 5-21-15-54

Thanks to Deelie for this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Lost recycle bin my hubby has deleted the recycle bin by accident. where can we go to find it again!! Carol Dear Carol The instructions for getting the Recycle Bin icon back are at http://support.microsoft.com/kb/810869 DearWebby

A tourist from the United States of America is at a restaurant in Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the best country in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says, "Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in front of the White House in Washington D.C. and yell 'President Bush is a bastard!' and nothing would be done to me." The Cuban waiter replies, "We have that same freedom in Cuba. I could stand in front of El Capital and yell lies about Bush, and nothing would be done to me either!"

Deeli's Kudos March 26, 2008 - South Carolina - ABC News Just a few months ago, 35-year-old Clay Hayden's life was in danger. His kidney was failing. He'd already had one transplant 11 years ago when his mother, Alma Lynne Hayden, gave Clay one of her kidneys. Clay's savior came from his mother's teenage past. Forty-one years ago, an unwed 18-year-old Alma Lynne gave up a baby boy for adoption. She eventually had two more children, Clay and Seth, with the boy's father, but she never forgot her firstborn. "I didn't really have the drive to find my biological parents," said David Lister. "I've been curious, yes, but never enough to initiate that search." It wasn't until last year when faced with his own son's medical problem that David got curious about his medical history. Lister said he felt an emotional connection the moment he met his birth mother. It was the meeting Alma Lynne had always dreamed of, and better. She told David he has two biological brothers and that one desperately needed a kidney. Without hesitation, David offered his own kidney to save the life of his brother he had never met. Lister's kidney was a match and the transplant occurred just weeks ago without a hitch. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Story?id=4495184&page=1

Morris, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris' job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered. At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Morris' place?" "Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Neck Support Pillow in the Bath Rather than buying a neck support pillow for when you take a bath, just roll up a towel. It works great and, assuming you don't get it wet, you have the towel handy to dry yourself off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Snowbirds
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Best mapping program 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 27, 2008

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. --- John Quincy Adams
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Here is a list of fake Universities supposedly used on McDonald's Applications ~Salsa Rancho College ~Reboot University ~Slick State University ~Innuendo Night College ~World Global University ~Sweet Dill Junior College ~North by Northeastern U. ~Kansas Pacific University ~Texas Aunt Em College ~University of California at Sunset ~Massachusetts Institute of Trees ~St. Cunnilingus Day School ~College of the Equator ~Pungent University of the West ~Shoe Fly Pie Academy ~Menthol State University ~Bay Rum Polytechnic University ~Yahoo College of Atlantis ~Exterior Latex School of Art ~Moon River Divinity School ~Clinica Veterinaria de Brazil ~Louisiana College of Dentistry & Dressmaking ~Uganda U. ~Hash Brown University ~Upstairs Downstairs on the Right College ~Simple Simian School of Tax Fraud ~Plagiarism Creative Writing College ~Degree Mill of Miami Beach
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 18 year old robber in Chicago Not everybody in Chicago is on the side of robbers March 26, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois Police said Tuesday, when the 18-year-old man couldn't get any money from an automobile repair shop, he left. Before leaving "Velasquez and Sons Mufflers For Less", though, he asked that the employees call him back when someone showed up who could open the safe. The 18-year-old man, who was not identified, received the call, but didn't get the money. The employees of the muffler shop said the man held an employee at gunpoint and asked for all their money shortly after they opened the shop. One of the store's employees, said that they only had between $20 to $30 on them, to which the man replied, "I want big money." When the employees told the would-be robber that they did not have access to the safe, they told him that the manager would be in later, and that he had access to the safe. The employees said they never expected the thief to do what he did next. "He said, 'If you don't have any money right now, it's all right,'" Diaz said. "'I'll give you my number and you call me back when you have money.' The employees called police with their story, and two plainclothes officers greeted the man inside when he returned for the money he thought would be waiting for him. Police at the Grand Central District said they were having a hard time believing the story as well, Martinez reported. They confirmed that the officer identified himself at the shop and shot the robber when he showed his gun. The robber was shot once in the leg, police said, and no one else was injured. http://www.nbc5.com/news/15706172/detai ... =mainclick

Thanks to Debbie for sending this picture: Dear Webby, I love your personal help and of course all the other tech tips, pictures and jokes. I'd like to share this picture I took of an Egret that came to visit us at our campsite here in Curry Hammock State Park in the Florida Keys. Thanks for all the fun! Debbie
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mila Re: Map site Dear Webby You are probably preparing for your annual desert run and will be up to date on which mapping site is best nowadays. Don't worry, I'll be heading in the opposite direction, but would like to know what is best to use these days. Mila Dear Mila Google maps is the lone leader. Nothing else comes within the same class. You can do 25 stops per map. Yahoo maps goes haywire at or before 10 stops, Mapquest can handle a lot of stops, but their fat blue line obliterating highway and road names makes it quite useless. MSN maps is the worst. With Google you can also use Google Earth. The interface between Google Earth and Google maps seems to be Microsoft inspired. Same company, but not fully compatible. You can step down from Google Earth to Google Maps by selecting printable version of your route, but you can't edit the map, step back up to Google Earth and expect the edit to show. It's strictly a one way relationship. If enough people get noisy about it, they will probably fix it, so that you can step back and forth. Where Google Earth really shines is with fly-overs. If you have a really complicated downtown situation and detours, you can let Google Earth plot the route and then fly it. The deafult altitude and speed is about the same as a news helicopter, except that it stops for stop signs and traffic lights, and turns so that you are always facing the same direction as you will in the car, even if the virtual helicopter is off to the side. That makes it really easy to see and understand the route. If you crank up the speed, also increase the altitude! At space ship speed and low altitude your computer won't be able to handle details and all you get is a blur. Luckily it's easy to revert to their pre-set default mode, which is about as good as you could set it with a lot of experimentation.. In summary: For route planning and printing: Google Maps is best. The overviews and printouts are quite readable while driving. For detail "homework", Google Earth is best. You can do fly-overs, embed links to pictures, articles, opening times, even hotel registration information. It's actually quite amazing what you can do with Google Earth. DearWebby

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

Deeli's Kudos March 26, 2008 - Nova Scotia - Gimundo School can be as traumatizing as any battlefield. But even the most cringe-worthy moment from your high school days probably doesn't compare to the humiliation felt by one freshman male from Central Kings Rural High School in Nova Scotia who dared to wear a pink shirt to school. The boy paid dearly for his fashion choice: A group of older students mocked him relentlessly, threatening to beat him up. The incident might have served as a warning for other males at the school to avoid anything in pastels. But instead, two senior boys, David Shepherd and Travis Price, took up the bullied boy's cause as a rallying cry. The two boys came to school armed with a pile of 75 pink tank tops, which they handed out to the male students to wear – including the bullied freshman. As word of their mission spread through the school, more students showed up wearing something pink of their own. Shepherd and Price estimated that around half of the school's 830 students put on something pink in solidarity. "The bullies got angry," Chase said. "One guy was throwing chairs (in the cafeteria). We're glad we got the response we wanted." http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/9 ... o_Canada:_

A man requested a Linda, a locally well known painter, to paint him in the nude. "No" she said. "I don't do that sort of thing." "I'll increase your fee two times," he said. "No, no thanks!!" "I'll give five times as much as you normally get." "Okay," Linda said, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks or a belt. I need somewhere to put my brushes."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cooking Sausage Links Stick two toothpicks through three links of breakfast sausage before cooking. It makes them easy to flip over, they cook evenly and stay together in the pan or on your griddle. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get particulars. This is what happened: Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here? Mrs.Brown: He does. Reporter: Is he in? Mrs.Brown: No he isn't. Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds. Mrs.Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes. Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found? Mrs.Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private. Reporter: Is the hole far from here? Mrs.Brown: No, it is quite handy. Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long? Mrs.Brown: Almost ten months. Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it? Mrs.Brown: He thought he was. Reporter: Was the work difficult? Mrs.Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened. Reporter: Is the water plentiful? Mrs.Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work. Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet? Mrs.Brown: No, but quite near it. Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets? Mrs.Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked. Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget? Mrs.Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start. Reporter: Do you help him? Mrs.Brown: I do my level best. Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim? Mrs.Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself. Reporter: Can I see the nugget? Mrs.Brown: Certainly. She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed reporter departed very quickly.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New Zealand at a glance
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Dear Webby: How to save attached files in Hotmail 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 26, 2008

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. --- Mark Twain
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Department of Justice in Quebec Another case of political correctness or simply inept law enforcement ??? March 25, 2008 - Montreal, Canada - UPI Five Quebec drivers want to know why a man who rammed them off the road with his van six weeks ago hasn't been charged, The Gazette newspaper reported. The Montreal newspaper said the Feb. 7 incident involved a green van whose driver allegedly rammed the five vehicles from behind at 50 mph on Highway 640. Sgt. Alain Roberge of the provincial Suretu du Quebec police department said the investigation into the incident was completed last week and it's up to Crown prosecutors to file charges against the male driver who lives on a nearby reservation. He said he couldn't comment further, although he said it wasn't road rage but rather a situation in which the driver thought the road was made for him alone. Several of the cars forced from the road were demolished and, while there were no fatalities, several people suffered spinal injuries and lacerations. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-322492-205694

Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon, Hal Re: Hotmail Attachments Dear Webby; In todays letter you were asked about opening & saving an attachment in hotmail. This is one I received today from a friend. In hotmail I 1st opened the mail, then did a right click on the attachment & "saved target". I saved it as "all files" ( I had the option of "all files & Kodak share) to my documant folder. Then when I checked the folder the pic was right there. I don't know if this will help or not but thought Carol might be able to try it. Sharon Hi just trying to help that lady with her hot mail. All she has to do is ,save it to your computer Save as , then put it where she wants it desk top or any folder she wants. Hal Thanks Sharon! Thanks Hal! That should work. Makes me glad that I don't have to use Hotmail. DearWebby

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, Joyce went to visit. 'May I see the new baby?' she asked. 'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and Joyce asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another half hour elapsed, Joyce asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, she asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told her. 'WHEN HE CRIES?' Joyce demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?' 'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Deeli's Kudos March 25, 2008 - Cincinnati, Ohio - UPI Police in an undercover sting operation in Ohio arrested three men who allegedly had in their possession at least 100 pounds of cocaine valued at $10 million. An undercover anti-drug task force made up of sheriff's deputies and the Cincinnati police on Sunday morning arrested Valentin Espinoza, Felipe Reyes and Samuel Rodriquez, The Cincinnati Enquirer reported. Authorities charged the men with conspiracy to distribute and for possession of illegal substances. Reyes faces additional charges for allegedly selling more than a half-pound of heroin to undercover police. The men are being held without bail. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

I had the toughest time of my life: First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from those, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis and rheumatism. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hanging Linens To prevent creases when hanging linens from wire hangers, take a cardboard tube from a used up roll of paper towels and cut lengthwise. Then slip it over the wire hanger and apply tape where you cut the tube. Then you can rest your linens on the tube instead of the wire. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, by stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. Next morning a guard escorted her back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal belongings. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; Naturally, I had to assume that you had stolen the car."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Herd about the prairie
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Dear Webby: Hotmail Attachments 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 25, 2008

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. --- George Orwell, Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain
A minister got a call from the IRS asking about a member of his church. "He stated on his income tax return that he gave $3,000 to the church last year," said the IRS representative. "Is that correct?" "Well," said the pastor, "I don't have the records here but I'll say this. If he didn't yet, he will!"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain lazy old fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the Latin term, so that I can tell my wife!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Donte D. Smith, 18, Ephran Ramirez Jr., 22, Ryane Ziemba, 25, Mercedes Phinaih, 18, Regan Maher, 25, and Angela Haban, 20, in Chicago, Ill Wrong place to make an ass of oneself March 24, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Members of a group calling itself Catholic Schoolgirls Against the War were arrested Sunday when they disrupted an Easter mass at Chicago's Catholic cathedral. The six splashed fake blood on themselves and members of the congregation as ushers tried to escort them out of Holy Name Cathedral. The demonstration occurred as Cardinal Francis George delivered his homily. "Even the pope calls for peace," the protesters chanted. "Even the pope calls for peace." The congregation clapped when the cardinal answered, "And so should we all." Some members followed the protesters outside and yelled at them as they were being handcuffed. Donte D. Smith, 18, Ephran Ramirez Jr., 22, Ryane Ziemba, 25, Mercedes Phinaih, 18, Regan Maher, 25, and Angela Haban, 20, were charged with felony criminal damage to property and simple battery. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-322268-432988

Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her visiting wild ducks
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Hotmail Attachments can you please tell me how ro save attachments to documents from hotmail. i can move them to a folder within hotmail but not to documents thanks carol Dear Carol I have no idea why not or how Hotmail does that. You will have to ask Hotmail support about that. With the better email programs you set the default Attachment folder, and from then on all attachments are automatically saved into that folder. DearWebby

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office???"

Deeli's Kudos March 24, 2008 - Perth, Australia - UPI Four Australian men who admitted beating up a drunken man have been denied compensation for the time they spent in prison while charged with killing him. The men, known as the Walsham Four, had applied for $1 million Australian ($900,000 U.S.). But Jim McGinty, attorney general for Western Australia, said they did not deserve anything. "They are entitled to the presumption of innocence, and I give them that presumption,'' McGinty said. "But their behavior in misleading police during their investigations, the vicious assault on Phillip Walsham, and the fact that there was no wrongdoing by any public officers in the way in which the matter was investigated or prosecuted, means there is no basis for an ex-gratia payment." "To see them get compensation would have rubbed salt in our wounds,'' Walsham's father said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-322256-714815

I had the toughest time of my life: First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from those, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis and rheumatism. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Trash Can Lid Bird Bath You can make a bird bath with a metal trash can lid by turning it upside down and attaching it to the top of a pedestal. A short fence post works well for the pedestal It's easier to attach the lid if you hacksaw off the handle. Decorate the lid with paint. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?" "Because of an absence," he replied. "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she questioned. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Art of the stamp
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Dear Webby: Ads in lieu of payment 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 24, 2008

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. --- Leo Tolstoy Ninety-nine percent of the world's lovers are not with their first choice. That's what makes the jukebox play. --- Willie Nelson Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it." --- Don Herold
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I'm sorry I missed you this morning", the pastor says. "Well, Rev'rund", the farmer says,"I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."
When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school." After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?" "Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend works at the McDonalds across the parking lot."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Social Workers in Middleborough, Massachusetts Who is watching out for the kids? March 21, 2008 - Middleborough, Massachusetts - UPI A 7-year-old boy and his sister were taken into state custody Monday after teachers allegedly found burn marks on him. His mother's boyfriend, David Privette, who was recently released after serving a drug sentence, has been charged with assaulting him. Social workers had visited the boy's home in Middleborough four times since December. On March 4, they went to the home after the school reported that he said he had been burned, but reportedly didn't examine his body for burn marks. "This kid was sent home to be tortured for another 13 days, as far as I'm concerned, because somebody dropped the ball," Middleborough Police Chief Gary J. Russell said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-320866-244518

Thanks to my dad for this picture of his Easter cacti
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucille Re: Adware Dear Webby; I have run spybot twice. In fact, about two minutes ago, it congratulated me for not harboring threats. I got on the web, and sure enough, crap is still popping up and interrupting the stuff I want to read. Any ideas? Lucille Dear Lucille Stuff that you agreed to suffer in lieu of cash, may not be removed by Spybot-Search & Destroy. If you agreed to it, and it was mentioned on page 74 of the small print, then automatic programs like Spybot may not remove it in a wholesale manner. That's what the judge said. Also keep in mind that, whatever you got popping, might not be spyware at all. Just because it is being a nuisance, that does not mean it is reporting what size bra you bought on eBay or Victoria's Secret. It could be ad-ware or mal-ware or a virus infection, or it could be "in lieu of" crap. Spybot-Search & Destroy goes after spyware. That's all. It doesn't do laundry or vacuuming or anything else. McAfee might be able to kill that ad ware, but they too have to tread very carefully when it comes to wholesale removal of "in lieu" crap. Pinko judges side with the poor, hard done by ***holes, who foist that stuff on you. If McAfee doesn't do it, you will probably have to get some neighborhood wiz kid to go after it. There ARE programs that help in that, but they would just frustrate you and you would wind up heaving the computer out the window. Programs like "Hijack This!" are tools for advanced white-hat hackers. Good Luck! DearWebby

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed the next county over. The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt." Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Carpinteria, California - AP A pet macaw named Danny Boy flew the coop in Carpinteria and was found 15 months later some 80 miles away in Pasadena. Greg and Susan Vasilakos, who have moved from Carpinteria to Colorado, learned days ago that Danny Boy has been found. The bird flew away on Dec. 6, 2006, leaving the couple heartbroken. They listed Danny Boy on an online bird lost-and-found Web site, but didn't hear anything until this month. The macaw was found flying free March 12 in Pasadena and taken to the Pasadena Humane Society. The bird was then featured on the society Web site and the Vasilakoses were tracked to their new home in Colorado. Mrs. Vasilakos called the Pasadena shelter and said to put the bird on the phone. The skeptical humane society manager then put the woman on the speaker phone. It seems Danny Boy waves his foot when asked while offering him a treat. Danny Boy, who had been ''sullen and morose,'' heard the familiar voice of his owner and perked up, fluffed up his feathers and became animated. He waved his little foot throughout the ensuing conversation. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/d ... owners.htm

A boss asked his employee, "Why were you trying to go over my head for a raise?" The employee denied it. "I did no such thing." The boss proved his point. "You were praying for a raise weren't you?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Find Your Parked Car Take a moment to mark down your parking spot number or row on a piece of paper. If there is no row or spot number, just count the spaces and rows yourself as you walk from your car to your destination. Also, note what entrance you use so you can leave through the same door. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes" said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well" said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother...just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Creative Designs
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Dear Webby: How to set a restore point 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 23, 2008

Happy Easter,  !

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing. --- Michael Pritchard If men were angels, no government would be necessary. --- James Madison
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher." The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then storms outside and beats the crap out of the peacock.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Homeland Security and Emergency Management in St. Paul, Minnesota Homeland Security? March 21, 2008 - St. Paul, Minnesota - UPI Someone with an urge to purge took it out on the Minnesota Homeland Security and Emergency Management office in downtown St. Paul, police said. An unknown man defecated in several rooms Friday afternoon and left on foot before an officer arrived. Based on the suspect's description, he appeared to be homeless, a police spokesman said. It turns out the Homeland Security office wasn't too secure -- a contractor working for the building's management failed to properly secure a door behind him. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture from today's annual Easter Bunny Toy run of the SWFL chapter of H.O.G. to benefit the Children's Hospital. The toys they delivered had to be new and unopened, and no stuffed toys. The Easter Bunny bungied to the guy in the picture was just his personal companion. The reason the picture is so fuzzy is because of the pouring rain. In spite of the bad weather, the Ester Bunny toy run was well attended and a success as usual
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Dear Webby; I love your humor & beautiful pictures I have saved many & sent many on to others. Can you explain in simple terms for a "dummy" what it a restore point & how do I do one? Will Il lose all the current data such as saved mail, graphics etc? Should it be put on a disk for backup? Since I had the problem with the old pc I thought about doing one for this one. I'm not having any problems here now. Thanks for all your patience & helpful tips. Sharon Dear Sharon A restore does not mess with your data. It just restores the registry and some Windows stuff. When everything is working just right, that is the time to make a restore point. If an experiment goes wrong, you can restore the system settings to that good restore point. Most people schedule restore points to be set automatically once per week. To set a System Restore Point... Open the Start menu Open the Programs menu Open the Accessories menu Open the System Tools menu Finally, start System Restore Pick the option for setting a System Restore Point and click on the Next button Fill in a name for the restore point so you can find it and click on the Create button Click on the Close button when done Have FUN! DearWebby

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was Easter and Aunt Doreen was here!"

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Irvington, New York - AP An 80-year-old man can hear his late wife's voice again, any time he wants. Verizon has recovered a lost message recorded by Charles Whiting's wife, Catherine, before her death in 2005. When Verizon upgraded the man's telephone service, his wife's voice disappeared from his voicemail system. The message said ''Catherine Whiting,'' and her husband said he listened to it every day for comfort. Company spokesman John Bonomo said Tuesday that a contractor found the recording in an archive and restored it to the new voicemail system. Charles Whiting says he's very happy. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/v ... ording.htm

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock, spoke to the doctor about it. "Don't worry about a thing, nurse," the doctor assured her. "He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wheelbarrow Grill You can turn an old metal wheelbarrow into a mobile, outdoor BBQ grill. Start by drilling 1/2 inch holes in the bottom and sides of the wheelbarrow. Fit an old oven rack into the wheelbarrow to cook food on. Just remove the rack to put in the coals when you are ready to use it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sign in the cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Scribbled underneath: Socks can eat any place they want.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ducks on parade
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Dear Webby: How to install fonts 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 22, 2008

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. --- Fletcher Knebel My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity. --- George Bernard Shaw,
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now." A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes. "Wait a minute!," said the writer, "This is just as bad as hell." "Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, she just fainted!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to James City, Virginia, Police "Sharking" in Virginia March 20, 2008 - Williamsburg, Virginia - UPI A Virginia teenager is charged with sexual battery after allegedly yanking down a 14-year-old girl's pants, a police spokesman said. The 15-year-old James City boy allegedly came up behind the girl as she was having a public conversation with someone and tugged her pants down, the Newport News (Va.) Daily Press reported Wednesday. The boy reportedly fled after the Saturday night incident, but authorities arrested him and held him at the Merrimac Juvenile Detention Center after talking to his mother. Though the incident may be seen as a harmless prank, "any unlawful touching is an assault," James City Police spokesman Mike Spearman said. Possible punishment for the boy will be decided in juvenile court, the Daily Press reported. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-320458-701278 --------------------------- "Sharking" has become fairly popular in some parts of Europe, and can be anything from stepping onto the dragging pant legs of nerds, who wear oversized and low slung pants, to actually pulling them down. It is usually done by teams consisting of a "shark" and a "handy", somebody recording the shark attack via mobile phone camera. Normally sharking is done in a neighboring town, where the team is not recognized. Some kids may get carried away, but usually they shark only teenagers who wear sloppy, low- slung pants and expose rear cleavage or underwear. They don't consider it anything sexual and simply want to ridicule sloppy fashion.
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Thanks to Dani for this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marilla Re: How do I install new fonts? Dear Webby A friend sent me a bunch of new fonts via Skype. How do I install them, so that all programs can use them? Thanks Marilla Dear Marilla click on Start, Run, and type in there c:\windows\fonts To confuse you, Windows now opens an old style explorer window. Don't let that stop you! Click on File In there you see an option called: Install new fonts When you click that, you get the option to browse to the folder where you keep the stuff you get via Skype. It ignores all other files and just shows you the fonts that you have in that folder. Highlight the ones you want to install and hit OK. That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough If OUGH stands for O as in Dough If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour If TTE stands for T as in Gazette If EAU stands for O as in Plateau Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU If GH stands for F as in Rough If O stands for I as in Women If TION stands for SH as in Solution Then the right way to spell FISH should be GHOTION

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Citra, Florida - AP Nearly a dozen central Florida firefighters pulled a 2-month-old foal from some deep doo-doo after the little horse fell into a septic tank. Rescuers spent more than an hour Tuesday using hoses and ropes to save the animal who escaped with his mother Reba from a fenced in area. When Reba crossed over a septic tank, her weight either broke or displaced the cover and Shooter fell into about 3 feet of foul water. Shooter was rescued, smelly but unharmed, with only minor cuts. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/f ... c-tank.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Headphones When buying headphones, consider how they feel in your ears. If they aren't comfortable, you won't want to use them in the first place. Be sure to ask the store manager if the ear phones can be returned if you try them out and they are too uncomfortable. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Fast Food Ads vs Reality
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Dear Webby: Notebook squeakers 




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Good Morning,  !

Friday,  March 21, 2008
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. --- Laurence J. Peter
A stingy old man who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness is determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old miser finally decides how to take at least some of his money with him when he goes. He instructs his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. Then he tells her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. He tells her that when he goes, he'll just reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the widow is up in the attic cleaning and comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool," she exclaims. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Anni announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Anni said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Allison Ayala, 17, and a 15-year-old girl in Chatham, Massachusetts Alert Neighbors! March 19, 2008 - Chatham, Massachusetts - UPI Two Massachusetts teenagers have been charged with using a summer house on Cape Cod to party. Allison Ayala, 17, and a 15-year-old girl were arrested Friday evening as they left the house in Chatham, the Cape Cod Times reported. Neighbors called police when they saw an open door and unfamiliar teenagers inside. Police Lt. Michael Anderson said that, judging from the state of the house, the teens had been making themselves at home for at least a week. There were dirty dishes in the sink, empty liquor bottles scattered around and food and booze spilled on the floor. Investigators were unsure if the teens brought their own booze or drank what they found. "We're pretty convinced there are more kids involved and hopefully with further investigation we'll find them," Anderson said. Summer residents often find signs that unauthorized visitors have been in their houses, Anderson said, but catching them in the act is more unusual. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Rubye for sending this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: Scratchy sound from notebook Dear Webby Music on my notebook sounds really scratchy. I tried WinAmp and other programs with graphic equalizers, but nothing helps. Do you have any advice? Elvira Dear Elvira You can't expect the lower harmonics from those shirt button size squeakers. If you want decent music, you have two choices: get yourself some good earphones, or a cable from the speaker output on the notebook to your home stereo or a portable boom box. Spring cleaning season and garage sales will start soon. You should be able to find a boom box with big speakers for a bargain price. Amplified by the boom box and projected from big speakers, even the tinniest notebook will sound fantastic. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Linda for this: I've had 2 Bypass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Sanford, Michigan - AP At her seventh birthday party, Amber Birdsall thought the huge gift box wrapped in pink paper likely hid a pair of bicycles. She was wrong. Inside was something she wanted even more — her stepfather, a soldier who had been deployed overseas. ''This is way better than bikes,'' Amber said. The surprise began a few weeks ago when Amber told her inquiring mother that all she wanted for her birthday was to have her stepfather return home from serving 10 months in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Her mother, Trisha Johnson, 34, relayed Amber's wish to her 39-year-old husband the same day that the girl expressed it. Army Spc. Glenn Johnson immediately started on the paperwork, not expecting his request for a leave to be granted because he is scheduled to come home for good in June. Much to their surprise, his request for more than a week of leave was granted. When Amber and her 9-year-old sister, Kathy Birdsall, opened a colorfully wrapped refrigerator box, Glenn Johnson was inside. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/m ... s-true.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Friends of the Library Books Sales A great way to support your local library and find good deals on books is to go to library book sales. Most libraries have them multiple times each year and the prices are very reasonable. Plus, the money goes back into the library to support buying new books or community resources. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: All the pix
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is IE7 OK now? 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 20, 2008

Excellence is not an act, it is a habit. --- Aristotle The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears. — James Allen
Thanks to Tina for this classic: Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead
A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School Dogooders run amok March 17, 2008 - New Haven, Connecticut - UPI A New Haven, Conn., eighth-grader was suspended from school and stripped of his class vice president title for buying a bag of Skittles at school. Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School handed down the punishment in accordance with a 2003 New Haven school system policy banning all candy sales in schools as part of the district wellness policy, the New Haven Register reported Wednesday. Michael Sheridan's suspension was reduced from three days to one, but his mother said she still believes the punishment is too severe for the crime of purchasing candy from another student in the hallway. "It's too much. It's too unfair," Shelli Sheridan said. "He's never even had a detention." However, the district said it has been very clear about its policy toward candy sales on school grounds. "There are no candy sales allowed in schools, period," said school spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Arturas for this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Is IE7 safe now? Dear Webby I had to reformat my computer and the origional disk had IE 6. I had upgraded to IE 7 before formatting and had no problems with this version. I want to install IE 7 but I recall that you had several times mentioned that there were several problems with this version. Have these problems been solved or should I stay with IE 6? I liked IE 7 and would like to install it but I don't need problems. Comments please. Daily voter, Bob Dear Bob The IE7 problems still exist and neither the Dept of Defense nor the DoT nor Webby allow IE7 on any of our machines. We don't like having to format perfectly good machines, ya know. Have FUN! DearWebby

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

Deeli's Kudos March 19, 2008 - Berlin Germany - AP A long love story is over at a German zoo: Petra the swan and her swan-shaped paddleboat are parting ways. Petra, a black swan, became a minor celebrity in 2006 when she became so attached to the boat — which is shaped like an oversized white swan — that she refused to leave its side. Officials in the western city of Muenster decided to let her stay with it over the winter, bringing both bird and boat into a city zoo. However, Petra met a live swan this winter. Zoo director Joerg Adler says she and her new mate — a white swan — are building a nest together. The boat is to be returned to its local owner on Thursday. http://www.happynews.com/news/3192008/s ... t-ways.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Tar From Your Car Butter, creamy peanut butter, or vegetable oil applied to tar and left for 12 to 24 hours should soften to make it easier to remove. If that doesn't work, try WD-40, kerosene, or mineral spirits applied directly to the tar. This solution will mostly likely remove wax from your car as well. Removing Tar From Your Car Butter, creamy peanut butter, or vegetable oil applied to tar and left for 12 to 24 hours should soften to make it easier to remove. If that doesn't work, try WD-40, kerosene, or mineral spirits applied directly to the tar. This solution will mostly likely remove wax from your car as well. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the washroom. "Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet." They boy says the alphabet: "a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, z." "What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher. "It's leaking out of my boots now."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ice Alaska FestivalSplatter
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Dear Webby: Slow first link 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 19, 2008

No man can get rich himself unless he enriches others. --- Earl Nightingale No one will ever WIN the battle of the sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. --- Henry Kissinger
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place: Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so.
A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a play, I play the part of a man who has been married for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Cleveland Ohio Scraping the bottom of the barrel March 17, 2008 - Cleveland, Ohio - UPI Half of the six candidates seeking a Cleveland City Council seat have criminal records -- including one whose murder conviction bars him from holding office. John Boyd, 50, is prohibited by state law from taking office because he was convicted of murder in 1973 and several additional felonies in the 1980s and '90s, The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer reported Wednesday. "I have not encountered anyone who has told me I can't run," Boyd said. He said he has dedicated his life to inspiring troubles teenagers. Fellow candidates Yvonne Grimes, 57, and Ernest Turner, 57, also have criminal records. Grimes pleaded guilty in 2005 to misdemeanor charges of attempted forgery and theft of less than $500, while Turner was convicted on a misdemeanor drug charge in 1986. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Donny for this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Slow first link Dear Webby I need to pick your awesome brain again....When I click on a link - such as the breast cancer or cup of food sites on your ezine the initial click takes about 2 mins to connect to the site.. then the others are easy- this happens on any site not just yours.... any idea what's going on and how I can fix it ????? Haven't a clue or even where to look for this one. Thanks and thanks as always... Ann Dear Ann That is just Telus, your ISP, turning down your speed when you are not busy browsing. The first link you go to is slow, after that they crank your speed up closer to what you are paying for, Yelling at them does no good, they just have a bunch of lame excuses, and do it anyway. They even do it with expensive business accounts. Not all, but many ISPs do that nowadays. Have FUN! DearWebby

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

Deeli's Kudos March 18, 2008 - Nashville, Tennessee - UPI Tennessee lawmakers are mulling a bill to void restrictive covenants barring blacks, Jews or women from owning property in certain neighborhoods, a report said. Although the covenants cannot be enforced, they remain on paper. The legislation, introduced by Democratic state Sen. Doug Jackson, would allow current property owners and prospective buyers the ability to remove written covenants dealing with race, religion, gender or ethnicity, the newspaper. "They really reflect a time when discrimination was really very ordinary and common and just accepted," Jackson said. "There's no reason for that information to continue to be included in deeds recorded at our courthouse every day." http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-319080-299871


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using Broccoli Stems You don't have to throw away those broccoli stems. They can be cooked with broccoli flowers if you cut them into bite size pieces and cut an "x" in each end. They also make a great Cream of Broccoli Soup. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT! I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Splatter
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Length of network cable 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 18, 2008

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. --- Blake Clark A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. --- Doug Larson
Thanks to Wendy for these: Insane Animal Laws In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 a.m. and after 4 p.m. in Norfolk, Virginia. Ducks quacking after 10 p.m. in Essex Falls, New Jersey, are breaking the law. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits. In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts. In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours. In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset. In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday. In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed. In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman. French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces -- the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation. Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl or make any menacing gestures. In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow. It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Thanks to Rubye for this Classic: There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother, 2. He liked Gospel, 3. He didn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His father's business, 2. He lived at home until he was 33, 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands, 2. He had wine with His meals, 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair, 2. He walked around barefoot all the time, 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature, 2. He ate a lot of fish, 3. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married, 2. He was always telling stories, 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food, 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ted Kennedy Bad example March 14, 2008 - Nantucket, Massachusetts - Newsmax Thanks to Ross for this submission. Ted Kennedy has called Nantucket Sound near his Massachusetts estate “a national treasure” — but that didn’t stop the senator from having oil dumped from his yacht into its waters. A local photographer spotted an oil slick coming from Kennedy’s yacht Mya as Kennedy and his guests left the vessel in a launch following a race that ended in Hyannis, the Cape Cod Today newspaper reported. The lensman was so shocked that he rowed his dinghy out to question the crew member left aboard the yacht. He asked the crewman, “What the hell are you doing?” The crewman said that diesel fuel had gotten into the bilge and he was told to dump it. When the photographer pointed out that the yacht was moored in coastal waters near shellfish beds and people swimming, the crewman replied, “Whatever.” Cape Cod Today published a photo showing the oil slick emanating from Mya. As Newsmax reported earlier, Kennedy has opposed a proposal to construct a wind farm in Nantucket Sound to produce cheap, clean energy. Asked why, he said: “That’s where I sail.” http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/Kenn ... ode=4742-1 -------------------------------- Senator Kennedy got caught dumping oil from his yacht near shellfish beds in 2002, but since he is a senator, laws don't seem to apply to him.
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Thanks to Dad for this picture of an Aporo Cactus that bloomed today.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Length of network cable Dear Webby Thanks for the info, but I have had some calls that stated that their modem/router was mor than 50 feet, and also I have this one guy there at the center that stated that after 25 ft. you will lose you connection speed. So I wonder if is in the wiring that they are making now and or what type of ethernet cord do you recommend? Eddie Dear Eddie The recommended maximum length for a cat5 or cat5e cable is 328 feet or 100 meters. CAT 6 is rated for 250Mhz up to a distance of 1000 meters. Those clowns should read what's written on the packages! Under 25 feet you don't really need cable, unless you have to go around a welder or a safe, because wireless is normally very fast for the first 25 feet anyway. With wireless it drops off with the cube of the distance, same as light. Twice the distance is 2 x 2 x 2 8 times less signal strength. 3 times further is 27 times less signal strength. 4 times further is 64 times less signal strength. With cable you don't have that problem. Cat 5 and Cat 6 are nicely shielded and since there is no real current flowing, there is no noticeable voltage drop. The network cards use CMOS transistors, that act like closed loop hydraulics. They transmit the push-pull impulses, but nothing flows out at either end. Keep in mind that on the other side of the modem is a crude and unshielded phone line that simultaneously also carries fax and voice and muzak and a pretty serious 60 cycle hum. The modem just peels off the high frequency, cleans it up a bit and forwards it down the ethernet cable. If the signal coming TO the modem is reasonably good, don't worry about the length of the ethernet cable. Have FUN! DearWebby

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read an on-line article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired!"

Deeli's Kudos March 17, 2008 - Forest Lake, Minnesota - Happy News A Forest Lake woman has her mom's ashes back. Last month, a thief burglarized Michele Siedow's home and stole her mother's ashes. Two days after news media reported the theft, Siedow received the cremains in the mail, in a padded manila envelope. Siedow says she ''just started jumping up and down saying, 'I got my mom back! I got my mom back!' '' Then she started crying. The thief who struck Siedow's home took electronics, tools and everything in a jewelry box -- including a 5-inch velvet bag with a funeral home's name on it. The bag contained some of her mother's cremated remains. Police are still investigating the burglary and have some leads. http://www.happynews.com/news/3172008/t ... -ashes.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Shoes Always try on both shoes and walk around in them, try on different sizes to make sure you get the right fit. Try on shoes in the afternoon because your feet swell as the day goes on. Also, keep in mind that leather will stretch over time but man made materials will not give as much. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Anni stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, ma'am?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

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Dear Webby: Getting only partial emails 




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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 17, 2008
Happy St Patrick's Day!

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?" OOOPS, I missed another one: STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Nova Scotia: Tall ships in the rain
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a priest from Burkina Faso Bad example March 13, 2008 - Vatican City, Italy - BBC A footballing priest from Burkina Faso has been sent off in a church tournament for throwing his shirt at the referee in Italy. The incident happened in the Clericus Cup over the weekend with the actions of the priest leading to Paul the Apostle's College being eliminated. Italian sports officials had expressed hopes that the tournament held at the Vatican City will help restore a positive image of football in Italy, which has been marred by recent violence. The Clericus Cup is an international football tournament including Catholic priests and seminarians. There are 16 teams made up of the various catholic colleges and church congregations in Vatican City. There is also a team made up of the Pope's bodyguards, the Swiss guards. http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/footbal ... 287154.stm
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Thanks to Dianne for this picture of miniature horses
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Duane Re: Partial mails Dear Webby I am not getting the body of the articles. I am only getting what you see below. I was getting everything and then all of a sudden this happens. Do you have any suggestions?? Thanks, Duane Dear Duane Your subject line was: Subject: Re: {Spam?} Re: {Spam?} {Disarmed} Humor: Old printer drivers That makes it very clear that the problem is your mis-configured spam control. Try putting humor@webby.com into the White List or Friends List. Then it should stop messing up your subscription. Have FUN! DearWebby

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "aye Father, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Deeli's Kudos March 12, 2008 - Wellington, New Zealand - AP Most days, Moko the bottlenosed dolphin swims playfully with humans at a New Zealand beach. But this week, it seems, Moko found his mojo. Witnesses described Wednesday how they saw the dolphin swim up to two stranded whales and guide them to safety. Before Moko arrived, rescue workers had been working for more than an hour to get two pygmy sperm whales, a mother and her calf, back out to sea after they were stranded Monday off Mahia Beach. The whales restranded themselves four times on a sandbar slightly out to sea from the beach, about 300 miles northeast of the capital, Wellington. It looked likely they would have to be euthanized to prevent a prolonged death. ''Moko just came flying through the water and pushed in between us and the whales,'' Juanita Symes, a rescuer, told The Associated Press. ''She got them to head toward the hill, where the channel is. It was an amazing experience.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/3122008/d ... es-sea.htm


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get an Estimate for Car Repairs Always get an estimate in writing before having repair work done on your car. Once the repairs are done, only pay for the repairs that you authorized. Pay with a credit card so you can reverse the charge if there is a problem with the work that the repair shop won't remedy. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $50 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $50 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the four-hundred bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 7-1."

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Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Good Ol Boy
.
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Dear Webby: Old printer drivers 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 16, 2008

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless. "Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly." OOOPS, I missed one: STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Wyoming: Why ?
Thanks to Sr Anna for this story: Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it' 'Why?' he asked. She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!' 'Let me see' he said. 'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said yo the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!'
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pal Nagy, 43, Budapest, Hungary Burglar for practise March 13, 2008 - Bucharest, Hungary - Ananova A burglar in Hungary climbed over a fence to rob a house only to be confronted by a sword-wielding Olympic fencing ace. Virgine Ujlaky, 23, was practicing her swordplay when she saw Pal Nagy, 43, clambering in through a window of her house in a posh suburb of Budapest. But within seconds and a few swift slashes of the sword the crook was pinned against the wall, with the blade against his throat as the swordswoman reached for the phone and called police. They arrested the villan 20 minutes later, who had to be treated by paramedics for shock. Ujlaky said: "I wasn't scared when I saw him. It was good practice as I have a competition coming up this week." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2766572.html?menu=
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture of a Polar bear inspecting the USS Honolulu submarine
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Old printer driver Dear Webby I need to ask you if you can help me on another problem. I have an Epson Printer that I've had for several years now & all of a sudden when I try to print I get an error message telling theat mainteance needs to be done. Since the macheine is out of warranty I have checked w/ Epson on a solution but have not come up w/ one othe than going to service center whichj is not close by. So I am looking into getting a new printer. They wrote to tell me how to uninstall the old one. I tried to do this by going to "add/remove" programs which they told me to do. When I clikced on chanbe/remove I get a box telling me the following "16bit Windows Subsystem" "C:\WINDOWS|SYSTEN 32\AUTOEXEC>NT. The system file is not suitable for running MS-DOS and Microsoft Windows applicatuions. Choose 'Close' to treminate the application." When I click on ignore it goes back to the hilited epson Printer software but will not uninstall. Is there something else I need to do.I am getting very stressed on this & could sure use your help. Sharon Dear Sharon Since you plan to throw that printer into the garbage anyway, have some fun with it first. Vacuum it out thoroughly with an upholstery crevice wand, preferably after changing the filter/bag on the vacuum. In case it vacuums up valuable parts or accessories like an engagement ring, spare change, whatever, they are a lot easier to retrieve that way. Don't be shy about bouncing the printer around and slapping it. You have a 60% chance that cleaning and what we call "percussive maintenance", will fix it. Mobile troubleshooters will also tell you that transporting an Epson printer in the back of a pick-up truck on a rough road will fix 95% of them. If that doesn't help, replace it. With today's shop rates, it is not economical to repair an old printer. Once you have the new printer installed, go into Settings, Control Panel, Printers, make the new printer the default printer, and delete the old Epson. The old printer driver is not big enough to worry about it. Just deselct it from your printer line-up. Have FUN! DearWebby

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement on the netr were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Deeli's Kudos March 14, 2008 - Boulder, Colorado - UPI Joy Douglas, owner of Zing Salon in Boulder, faces a fine of up to $1,000 a day for dying her pet, Cici. A hearing in municipal court Tuesday was postponed when Douglas said she has hired an attorney. Douglas ran afoul of an ordinance that specifically prohibits dying "fowl or rabbits or any other animals." "No person shall dye or color live fowl, rabbits or any other animals or have in possession, display, sell or give away such dyed or colored animals," the ordinance reads. Douglas said Cici gets only natural coloring -- beet juice and occasionally pink Kool-Aid. "Cici will be pink until they kick us out of the city of Boulder," Douglas told reporters. She said she dyes her dog to raise awareness about breast cancer. Copyright 2008 by United Press International


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Warning About Storing Garlic Cloves In Oil Botulism can develop when garlic is stored oil, especially if it is stored at room temperature. The garlic and oil should be used immediately or stored in the refrigerator for no more than a week. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the sentencing he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: St Patrick
.
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Dear Webby: Undelivered mail returned 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 15, 2008

Yesterday is a cancelled check; Tomorrow is a promissory note; Today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely. --- Kim Lyons Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. --- Andre Gide
I ran into John at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," John replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief. "Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly yelling 'My husband is home! My husband is home'!!!" STATE and PROVINCIAL MOTTO'S Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: But it's a dry cold, except along the coast. Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good. Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable! North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep. Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese BC: It doesn't always rain. Sometimes it snows. Alberta: Wanna buy some oil ? Saskatchewan: In Floriduh they call us 'Snowbirds'. Manitoba: Not Wendy's. WINDY! Ontario: Very little pollution if you go up north. Quebec: La Belle Provence! Our ookers speek Anglais. Newfoundland: We got Screech! PEI: Simply Spudastic! Cape Breton: Get high in our highlands, eh! New Brunswick: Better than Old Brunswick NWT: There is more to life than working. Yukon: The summer month is fantastic!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to lunbatics in London, UK March 14, 2008 - London, UK - UPI A man who climbed a fence and ran onto a runway at Heathrow International Airport outside London Thursday afternoon triggered a security alert. The man was arrested after he sprinted into the path of a Boeing 777 belonging to Emirates Airways. Authorities destroyed the man's knapsack in a controlled explosion. Police said it contained no explosives, but it was fun blowing it up anyway. Heathrow, west of London near the Thames River, has been the subject of many protests in recent weeks because of plans to expand the airport, including adding another runway. Queen Elizabeth is scheduled to open a new terminal building Friday. Last month, a group of Greenpeace members held a protest at the airport that included climbing on a Boeing 777 and displaying a banner. Members of another group, Plane Stupid, got onto the roof of Britain's Parliament last month. The pigeons apparently didn't like that at all and protested noisily. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Aloe Vera:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eloise Re: Mail returned undelivered Dear Webby I keep having mail returned undelivered. I don't know if they eventually get it but I get the message that it has not been able to deliver it for '4 hours' or so. Is this a problem with my email (Webby) or Persona? Eloise Dear Eloise That's a problem at the recipient side. YOUR side was trying to deliver, but if the recipient side is down, then eventually it will bounce back to you. Could be the recipient's server is down, or that the recipient changed email addresses, or that there is a typo in the address, or that the recipient's mailbox is full, or that the spam control of the recipient blocks mail from you. The fact that you do get the delivery failure notice shows that YOUR mail sends and receives OK. Have FUN! DearWebby

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

Deeli's Kudos March 13, 2008 - Washington County. Maryland - CBS It's been sitting for a year in a real estate market that won't move. Now the owners of a home in Maryland are raffling off their house for a good cause. The house sits on 3.2 acres, has its own trout stream and has been updated from the top floor to the wooden floors. For a $100 raffle ticket, this $400,000 home in Indian Springs, about 20 miles west of Hagerstown, will be a mutually beneficial situation. "I've been a teacher all my life and my focus has been children. And naturally I thought of San Mar because it's very nurturing and rebuilds the lives of children with difficult life experiences," one of the owners said. San Mar's Children's Home For At Risk Girls is celebrating its 125th year. It provides residential care for adolescent girls who have been abused, neglected or have behavior problems. Director Daniel Day sees this raffle as a win-win for the homeowner and the children's home. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/house.raffle.2.673837.html


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pets Require and Time and Money The old saying goes "Pets are for life, not for Christmas". If you are planning on getting or giving a pet as a gift, make sure to take into account all the fees and time commitments that are associated with feeding, training and providing medical care for the pet. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Brabant will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Brabant was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brabant will be my chauffeur."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Glacier National Park
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Dear Webby: Driver and support problems at HP 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 14, 2008
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -– Franklin P. Jones
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?" "Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!" Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar. Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" "Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednesday."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Irene Fedorova, 67, Orenburg, Russia Dangerous loot March 13, 2008 - Russia - Ananova Police officers, secretaries and criminals were evacuated from a Russian police station after a granny walked in with a handbag filled with hand grenades. Irene Fedorova, 67, walked into the station in the Orenburg Region in the Urals and said she wanted to take advantage of an arms amnesty. She said she wanted to get rid of some old weapons that her late husband Boris had kept under their bed. Officers who opened the bag found it contained several hand grenades including two that had faulty pins and could have gone off at any moment. She said: "I read they were disposing of old weapons and thought it was a good idea. I brought them in on the bus in my handbag. I was sorry to have caused such a fuss - perhaps next time they should offer a collection service." After the building was cleared bomb squad experts were called in to remove the F-1 and RGD-5 grenades. A spokesman said: "These were fragmentation grenades which explode into hundreds of fragments and inflict serious injuries to people up to 50 feet away. Anyone within ten feet will be killed if they go off." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2766567.html?menu=
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Thanks to Deeli for sending this picture:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Many Subscribers Re: HP support A lot of subscribers wrote about their bad experiences with HP and Compaq and eMachines support. Those HP machines may be OK in a company that has it's own support department and strict control over what is installed, but I sure would not recommend them for experimental environments like home use. Other companies have their drivers and driver updates under control, and some, like Dell, even download them automatically, just like Windows security patches. They even send firmware updates to upgrade the CMOS in the printer. When the download is finished, a message pops, asking you if you want to refrain from printing for a minute while it updates the firmware in the printer. Until HP gets their driver problems sorted out and better support staff, I can't recommend them. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway they were in an accident. First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive." Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear Lord for protecting us." Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other. Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe in that." To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!"

Deeli's Kudos March 12, 2008 - West Monroe, Louisiana - AP When firefighters arrived at a blaze a resident of the house approached firefighter Stephen ''Odie'' Odom and told him two dogs were trapped inside. Odom entered the house and found the two tiny terriers in pet carriers in a smoke-filled room, and shuttled them to safety. When he removed one of the dogs from its carrier, Odom noticed it was not breathing and its tongue was hanging out. The firefighter removed his face mask and placed the dog's head inside so the oxygen could blow in its face. When the oxygen didn't work, Odom began performing CPR on the dog by ''cupping my hands around the dog's snout and blowing until I could feel his chest expand. After approximately one minute of doggie CPR, I noticed the dog trying to breathe on its own.'' he said. Five minutes later the dog began looking around and was given to the owner of the house. An oxygen tank was left with the animal. http://www.happynews.com/news/3122008/f ... ny-dog.htm

The insurance agent was questioning the cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the amazed agent. "Nope; the danged varmint done it a-purpose."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Programmable Thermostat Program your thermostat to keep your home to a lower or higher (for air conditioning) temperature when you are not home or sleeping. If your home doesn't have a thermostat with these capabilities, buy one for less than $50 at your local hardware store and they are relatively easy to install. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Three Religious Truths of Life: 1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah. 2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope. 3. Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Watch movie favorites free
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Dear Webby: HP Support 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 13, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday!

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. --- Mark Twain See them always as open, and thus the doors shall be. — Johni Redd
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes...Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?" When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ryan Mueller, 30, of Sheboygan Falls, Wisconsin How low can one get? Sheboygan, Wisconsin - AP A Wisconsin man has been charged with sneaking into a toddler's bedroom and stealing $20 from a piggy bank while the two-year-old girl slept. Authorities say DNA evidence linked Ryan Mueller, 30, of Sheboygan Falls to the crime that occurred Aug. 10. Authorities say the girl's mother was in another room with another child when she saw a light turn on in her two-year-old daughter's room. She walked into the girl's bedroom and saw a man shaking the piggy bank as the girl slept. The man fled before police arrived, stealing the money but leaving the piggy bank. Mueller was charged Thursday with felony burglary, which carries a penalty of up to nine 1/2 years in prison. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0801 ... nk_robbery
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Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture of yesterday's orchid:
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Charlie Re: HP printer DearWebby, I have to ask you a question . Not asking for help . Backin 07 I purchased a printer from HP. After about 4 months I started haveing problems, I called but they were unable to fix it. Then at the latter part of o7 I called again and talked to two reps.betwen them both I was on the phone for about two hours, then one tried to fix it ...then the other.. So they both gave up and told me they were going to send me a new printer. First thingI thought of was cost , they assured me there would be no charge. Fine with me. Afew days late rI received the prnter. Only one problem they sent the wrong disc. My old printer was HPDeskjet D2300. and the disc was 840C.. So I called and got a rin around. But finally connected to a young lady who helped me out. She told me that I had the wrong disc, and asked if I had any others, I told her the only one I have would be for my old printer. So we instaled that plus she did other things I have never seen before. She told me to call the company and get the correct one. This I did,this has been going on for weeks. After I requested anouther disc. at my expensess. I received an email, which states ..I quote... "We do not send out discs with the printer." I told them that my first printer had a disc,and the second one had a disc, How can you sell a printer with out a disc. I told them that I would buy it but never heard from them. So if you were in my place with a new printer and no disc.. what would you do. I know this is a long letter but please reply..... Sincerely, Charlie. Dear Charlie That is normal for HP. If you live too far from an HP outlet to go over there with a baseball bat, you are better off to buy a Dell or Brother. Some of their printers work quite well for a while, but if you need any support, HP has a very bad reputation. Have FUN! DearWebby

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers. They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew: 'When standing on the bridge looking towards the bow, Port is Left, Starboard is Right.

Deeli's Kudos March 7, 2008 - Bordighera, Italy - Ananova A 101-year-old Italian man is to marry his 98-year-old girlfriend after a courtship of more than half a century. Retired doctor, Giuseppe Rebaudi, is to marry long time girlfriend Silvie Basain, who he started seeing in 1952, next month. French-born Silvie said: "We just need to get a certificate from the French embassy that I have not been married before and am single." She said her only worry was that they might be rushing things: "We have only been together for 50 years - that may be a bit quick but then again you are only young once." The ceremony will take place at their home in Bordighera, in the north-west of Italy. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2756804.html?menu=

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Answering Machine for New Baby Info Leave a message on your answering machine; giving the baby's name, weight, gender, and date and time of birth. Ask people to leave a message so you can call them back at a later date. That way you can rest and they can get the information they want about your new arrival. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy asked his mother, "Why don't you get call-waiting? Your phone is always busy, and I can't get through." She replied, "I DO have call-waiting. You call; if the line is busy; you wait!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ice Carvings
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Dear Webby: Caps Lock Alarm 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 12, 2008

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue. --- Greek Proverb "I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." --- John Mortimer
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam... A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely do have the Hinkley nose, but you'd look a lot better if you trimmed your beard the way your grandfather did!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to R.F. in Genoa, Italy To jail with Flower Power February 28, 2009 - Genoa, Italy - UPI Police in Genoa, Italy, say they have captured an apologetic robber who regularly presented his victims with red roses. Authorities said the robber, identified by his initials, R.F., told police leaving flowers after holding up shopkeepers with a toy gun was a means of making amends for his crimes, ANSA reported. Police said they were able to find the gift-giving thief by following the trail of roses he left in his wake. They said he was arrested in possession of two cellophane-wrapped roses they believe he was planning to present to two post-office cashiers he allegedly was preparing to rob. Investigators said R.F. also is suspected of emptying a bank safe inside a city hospital in 2007. They said all the money from the safe was taken and a bouquet of flowers was left in its place.
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Thanks to Joan for sending this picture: I have a friend RV'ing in Florida and he was 10 MILES AWAY from last nights shuttle launch. Joan

From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Caps Lock Alarm Dear Webby, You sure do get some nice pics. the one of the berries & birds today was sure pretty. Nice close-up. I read some where a while back on how to set a tone to let you know you've hit the caps/lock key but can't remember how to do it. I hit the key often by mistake. Can you tell me how to do it? Thanks for your help. By the way since I uninstalled both yahoo & google toolbars I have not been having the problem w/ internet explorer closing so often. Thanks for the tip. Sharon Dear Sharon Personally, whenever I get a new keyboard, I use a spoon and pry off the silly Caps Lock key, trim it's underneath side flush, fill it level with epoxy and take it with me on my next trip to Walmart or Staples. There I look for their big coin-op copier and glue the silly CAPS LOCK key on it. Occasionally I also glue hem onto people's fax machines. After that, it doesn't bother me ever again. You could even try it on the Microwave and say it's for Alphabet soup. If you prefer to have the silly CAPS LOCK to continue getting in the way AND compound the sillyness with an annoying beep, go to http://www.worldstart.com/tips/tips.php/102 for the instructions on how to arrange that. Have FUN! DearWebby

Groan Alert! A friend and I were standing inside a building of a local theme park. We were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10", 90lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. My friend joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. The lady looked at my friend and lisped, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"

Deeli's Kudos DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye. Bob McNichol, 57, from County Mayo in the west of the country, lost his sight in a freak accident when red-hot liquid aluminium exploded at a re-cycling business in November 2005. McNichol heard about a miracle operation called Osteo-Odonto- Keratoprosthesis being performed by Dr Christopher Liu at the Sussex Eye Hospital in Brighton, England. The technique involves creating a support for an artificial cornea from the tooth and the surrounding bone. The procedure used on McNichol involved his son Robert, 23, donating a tooth, its root and part of the jaw. McNichol's right eye socket was rebuilt, part of the tooth inserted and a lens inserted in a hole drilled in the tooth. "Now I have enough sight for me to get around. I have come out from complete darkness to be able to do simple things," McNichol said. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/irelandbritainhealthoffbeat

A man's son was about four years old. The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day. The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?" The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised" -- but the answer was still "Yes."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing Soap Scum If you use liquid soap in your bath and shower instead of bar soap, you will not have as much soap scum. The paraffin in the solid soap helps cause the scum buildup Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Patterns in Nature (National Geographic)
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Dear Webby: Lightweight Cameras 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 11, 2008

Be bold. When you embark for strange places, don't leave any of yourself safely on shore. Have the nerve to go into unexplored territory. ---Alan Alda
Thanks to Dave for this story: After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her an affectionate squeeze a bit farther up, which was answered by an appreciative giggle. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! Dave! I'm back here." Thanks to Ross for ths story: I bought a new Lexus 450 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "A** Holes!" Immediately the Venezuelan National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, Hillary on bagpipes and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Edward Unsell, 56, of Alton, Missouri Under the influence of texting ? March 10, 2008 - Alton, Missouri - UPI A Missouri lawyer who hit three mailboxes with his pickup truck says he was not drunk -- he was texting. Edward Unsell, 56, of Alton received misdemeanor charges of leaving the scene of a property damage accident, failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident and obstructing a police officer after hitting the three mailboxes and some shrubs while driving, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Wednesday. Unsell admitted to drinking beer earlier in the evening, but maintained he was not driving drunk. "There was no way I was drunk," he said. "They won't find a person who will say I was intoxicated." Rather, Unsell said the incident was the result of his attempt to send a text message to his wife while behind the wheel. "I took my eyes off the road," he said. He said he left the scene because his nose was bleeding and he feared police would take him to the hospital and tow his truck. Unsell phoned police after returning home, but refused to meet with a deputy because he felt he needed to lie down, he said.
Thanks to Helen for this picture of her tree and birds For the last several days the birds have been coming to eat the berries on the trees at my back yard fence. They must be tasty, because they let me get this photo without flying away. My cats enjoy the bird-watching! Helen
Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Lightweight camera Dear Webby, Thank you so very much for your excellent computer advise everyday. I am up every morning at 5 A.M. & the first thing I read is your newsletter. I am trying to find a small lightweight digital camera that takes pictures as good as a cell phone. Thank you for all your help in the past. Nita Dear Nita I am not familiar with slimline cameras, but here are all the reviews: http://www.digitalcamerainfo.com/d/Digi ... eviews.htm Have FUN! DearWebby

The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men. It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.

Deeli's Kudos March 10, 2008 - London, UK - Daily Mail Britain's oldest employee has told how he single-handedly fought off a gang of muggers. Buster Martin, 100, a van cleaner for Pimlico Plumbers, was walking to a bus stop in south London when three youths pounced on him from behind. Despite their best efforts to subdue him, the Second World War veteran launched a counterattack and sent them running empty-handed. He said: "They obviously thought I would be an easy touch because I'm old. But they soon found out I'm still a good fighter. "I hit one in the groin and I kicked another one. The foot I used had been operated on a week before for an in-growing toenail. They must have done a good job on it because it worked bloody well." He reported for duty at Lambethbased Pimlico Plumbers' the next day but bosses refused to let him work. Managing director-Charlie Mullins said: "It's typical of Buster to carry on as usual. He couldn't see what all the fuss was about. But he needs to take it easy for the moment. The man who celebrates his 101st birthday in September said: "As long as I still wake up in the morning, I will continue to work." http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1770

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here. I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes sir," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Look For Phone Networks That Allow Free Calling Before purchasing or renewing your cell phone plans, ask around and find out what your friends and family are using. Some cell phone carriers allow you call people on their network for free, which can dramatically reduce the number of minutes you need each month. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, that jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls... then yelled 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What's in bloom
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Dear Webby: Some missing pictures in emails 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 10, 2008

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler
The high-school cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat....." "I suppose," snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave." "Not me," observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to French legislators Not allowed to die without a plot March 7, 2008 - Sarpourenx, France - News.com.au The mayor of a French village has issued a decree banning residents from dying in his territory unless they own a spot in the overcrowded cemetery. "It is forbidden for any person not having a plot in the cemetery ... to die on the territory of the village," the mayor of the southwestern village of Sarpourenx wrote in a decree that warned of "severe punishment" for offenders. Mayor Gerard Lalanne said he had taken the radical measure to protest against a state ruling preventing him from enlarging the burial ground in the village of 260 people. "The first dead person to come along, I'll send him to the state's representative," he said. Mr Lalane said he had been inspired by the mayor of another French village, Cugnaux, who had also outlawed death as a protest last year and who thus won the right to enlarge the village's cemetery. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23 ... 62,00.html
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Nun's Orchid
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: Some missing pictures Dear Webby, I just recently began to get e-mails that should have pictures, but instead the space where the pictures should be is blank with red x's. I can't open them. Can you help? Thanks, Tom Dear Tom If all your emails are missing pictures, then it is a setting in YOUR email program. If just emails from certain people have red x's, then those people need to be told to do things different. Have FUN! DearWebby

John's deer hunting diary: THE DEER HUNT 1:00am Alarm clock rings 2:00am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed 2:30am Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pick-up 3:00am Leave home for deep woods 3:15am Drive back home and pick up gun 3:30am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight 4:00am Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the damned tent 4:30am Head out into woods 6:05am See eight (8) deer 6:06am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07am "Click" 6:08am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 8:00am Head back to camp 9:00am Still looking for camp 10:00am Realize you don't know where the camp is -Noon- Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries 12:15pm Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back 12:20pm Strange feeling in stomach 12:30pm Realize you ate poison berries 12:45pm Rescued!! 12:55pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped 3:00pm Arrive back at camp 3:30pm Leave camp to kill deer 4:00pm Return to camp for bullets 4:01pm Load gun - leave camp again 5:00pm Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you 6:00pm Arrive at camp. See deer grazing in camp. 6:01pm Load Gun 6:02pm Fire gun 6:03pm One Dead Truck 6:05pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer! 6:06pm Suppress strong desire to shoot partner 6:07pm In doing so, stumble and fall into fire 6:10pm Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire 6:15pm Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods 6:25pm Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in radiator 6:26pm Start walking 6:30pm Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 6:35pm Meet great big Bear! 6:35pm Take aim 6:36pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:36pm Lose all control of bodily functions. 6:37pm Climb tree 9:00pm Bear departing, wraps gun around the tree 9:03pm Feeling relieved that bear is gone 9:04pm Start climbing down the tree 9:05pm Fall out of tree -Midnight- Home at last -Sunday- Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear instructions.

Deeli's Kudos March 5, 2008 - Tacoma, Washington - New York Times Annamarie Ausnes is known for holding up the line at her favorite Starbucks here for her “short drip, double-cupped” daily jolt. Over the years, Sandie Andersen, a friendly barista behind the counter has taken these morning moments to make conversation and to make friends. And then there was the small talk that day last fall. Turns out, Ms. Andersen had made Ms. Ausnes a special offer, off menu. “She reached over the counter and said, ‘I’m a blood match,’ ” Ms. Ausnes said last week, recalling the conversation. Ms. Andersen said, “We both stood there and bawled.” On March 11, the two women are scheduled to go into surgery at Virginia Mason Medical Center in Seattle. If all goes well, when they come out Ms. Ausnes, 55, who has polycystic kidney disease, will be the new owner of Ms. Andersen’s left kidney. Ms. Andersen, 51, has worked at Starbucks for more than four years. Ms Ausnes has been a customer for three years.

Thanks to Martha for this: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid when it comes to understanding women, but very few are blind.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Protecting Sheets of Stamps Keep stamps from sticking together by storing them in-between sheets of wax paper. Wax paper also works well for saving stickers, just put them on the shiny side of the wax paper. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

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Dear Webby: Wireless Range Booster 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 9, 2008

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. --- Abraham Lincoln No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. --- Sir Frederick G. Banting
Barbie first made her appearance 45 years ago today. Since then she has become a billion-dollar industry with two Barbies estimated to be sold every second. ------------------------------- A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? He asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40." It was Joe the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When they had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jimmy Wales and Rachel Marsden Two Big Boneheaded Babies March 7, 2008 - New York - UPI The New York ex-girlfriend of Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales says that after insisting their relationship be secret he dumped her on the Web site. Rachel Marsden, who recently moved from Canada, decided to go public herself by selling some of her ex-beau's personal items on eBay. "Hi, my name is Rachel, and my (now ex-) boyfriend, Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, just broke up with me via an announcement on Wikipedia." "It was such a classy move that I was inspired to do something equally classy myself, so I'm selling a couple of items of clothing he left behind, here in my NYC apartment, on eBay." Marsden told the Post that Wales was "paranoid" about their relationship and had threatened that she could be jailed or deported if she let anyone know personal details. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Verna Re: Boosting WiFi range Dear Webby Sitting in Mesa - piggy backying off someone's connection (linksys). Know we get "what we pay for", BUT is there any kind of booster or ??? that can be purchased to boost the "borrowed" signal? If so, what would you suggest? Using a Toshiba Satellite Pro P100 running XP. Thanks. Verna Dear Verna That depends a lot on what kind of piggybacking you do. If you are "war driving" and sneaking a connection wherever you find an unsecured network, there is nothing you can do except get closer. However, if the host knows about you and is cooperating, then you can buy him a range booster router or a range booster antenna, and yourself a range booster network card. Just the network card alone usually won't make any difference. Try http://dalco.com/SearchResults3.aspx You can call Dalco at 1-800-445-5342 and ask them which card would be best for your situation. Usually the LINKSYS WMP54GS card for the laptop and the LINKSYS WRT54GS booster router will get you about as much range as is possible under the local conditions. You could gamble with just a hawking antenna booster and enough coax cable to put the antenna on the outside of your RV, I can't guarantee you that the boost will be enough. Have FUN! DearWebby

From Bernie Dear Webby, you once had a very delightful joke about some cussing nuns. Can you bring it out again? Thanks Bernie Is this the one you meant? A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Summanabeech," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Summanabeech", he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'". So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car floating a foot above the gound and in unison exclaimed, "Summanabeech!"

Deeli's Kudos March 7 2008 - Newquay, Cornwall, UK - BBC Dizzy the dog is doing her bit to help save the planet by recycling the rubbish in her owner's home. Beer cans, plastic bottles, cardboard and envelopes are carried to the family's recycling shed in the garden. Dizzy, the two-year-old mongrel, even collects plastic bottles on the beach near her home in Newquay, Cornwall, and takes them to the nearest bin. "You cannot drink a cola or beer from a can because she wants it," owner Emma Trebilcock said. "She also carries our recycling bags and even tries to carry bin liners, but they are a bit too large for her, so she ends up dragging them behind her. "Sometimes we have to check our recycling bins to make sure she has not taken unopened mail out," said 23-year-old Ms Trebilcock. Dutiful Dizzy has also become something of a "domestic dogess" by helping out with the family wash and carrying socks in. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/engl ... 255333.stm

On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St. Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Jigsaw Puzzle Make your own jigsaw puzzle by gluing a photograph to a piece of 1/4 inch plywood. If you have a color ink jet printer, you can print the photo yourself. Then use a jigsaw to cut your puzzle pieces. Glue a copy of the same picture to the lid of a cigar box and wrap the box for a great gift. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the fourth-grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day, students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Natural Stone - Spain
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Dear Webby: Time Change 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 7, 2008

People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
An Irishman walks into a bar in Seattle, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Seattle. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. My wife and me joined the baptists and I had to quit drinking. Doesn't affect my brothers, though." Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is..."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Seantor Gustavo Selva, Rome, Italy Bad Example March 7, 2008 - Rome, Italy - Reuters An Italian senator who used an ambulance to beat Rome traffic was given a six-month suspended jail sentence and fined 200 euros by a court. Gustavo Selva boasted publicly in June that he faked illness to get an ambulance to rush him to a television talk-show during US President George W Bush's visit, when tight security measures snarled traffic. He later praised the ambulance team for its "speed and efficiency". The stunt outraged Italians and health officials warned Selva could have jeopardized the life of anyone who actually needed an ambulance. Rome Judge Maria Giulia De Marco ruled that Selva was guilty of aggravated fraud and interruption of public service. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/w ... a4560.html
Thanks to Dad for this picture: No global warming in Europe either. Some students who could not participate in their class ski course because of recent injuries, built a snow church to celebrate the extra long winter.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hubcap Re: Time Change Dear Webby......since the change in daylight savings time, computer clocks are not set to change at the new early time, nor in the fall. Is there any quick fix or a patch for this, or does one just set in manually. Hubcap Hi Hubcap The computer's clock just counts the seconds since Jan 1 /1980. Windows and other Operating Systems interpret that into a human readable date. This year, at 2 am on Sunday, March 9 in North America and at 1 am on Sunday, March 30 in Europe the clock display on your computer will jump ahead an hour, except in Arizona, Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, the Commonwealth of Northern Mariana Islands. The Navajo Nation participates in the Daylight Saving Time policy, even in Arizona, due to its large size and location in three states. If you have your time zone set correctly, and if your Operating System has been updated since February last year, your time will change when it is supposed to. If your computer clock is off by a few minutes, then your fire-wall is preventing your computer from synchronizing with the atomic clocks. Just turn your fire-wall off temporarily, double-click on the time display and click on Internet time. It will take a few seconds to update the hardware clock in your computer. Then you can turn the fire-wall on again. Have FUN! DearWebby

At a paternity trial, Linda's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."

Deeli's Kudos March 7, 2008 - Kogalym, Russia - Ananova A 100-year-old Russian woman, who took up hunting because she was bored, has been declared the best hunter in her area. And the only other person able to keep up with Maria Pokacheva, 100, is another granny aged 90. Pokacheva has shot 65 squirrels, rabbits and other furry mammals, and her pal Anna Vandymovu, 90, has managed 58. Both women are being hailed by local politicians from their hometown Kogalym as highly regarded as an example to the young. "They are true free spirits and we are very happy to count them as among our own," a spokesman for the mayor Sergei Kakotkin says. The women have been invited to a special ceremony by local MPs where they will be awarded for their hunting achievements. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2755245.html?menu=

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public- address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Checkers Use plastic milk bottle caps for checkers. Save 12 checkers of two different colors or color the top of half the caps with permanent marker. Then make a game board using a square piece of card board. Use a ruler to measure and draw 8x8 alternating squares with a marker, the same as a chess board. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Games
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Dear Webby: Fancy slide show 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  March 7, 2008
Today is Friday! Wear something red to show your support for the troops

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. --- Pablo Picasso Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --- Charles M. Schulz
Thanks to Martin for this story: Ma's Gonna Be Mad! Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle Abner came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny. When Uncle Abner came into the bedroom, he saw Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?" "Why... The same thing you're doing," replied Uncle Abner. "Ma's gonna be mad," said Little Johnny. "Why will she be mad?" asked Uncle Abner. "Because the bed pan's on this side!" responded Little Johnny. Thanks to Doc for this story: At a veterans' meeting in Washington, D.C., a man approached me and asked, "Do you recognize me?" "Sure," I answered unconvincingly. "What did I do in the Army?" he challenged. With surprising presence of mind, I replied, "You did absolutely nothing." Astonished, he said, "You do remember me!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Catherine Aliaga, 38; and Tarsha Williams, 33 from Natick, Massachusetts Bad Examples March 4, 2008 - Natick, Massachusetts - UPI Two Boston-area mothers face assault and battery charges after fighting at a Chuck E. Cheese when one woman's son spent too much time on a game, police said. Catherine Aliaga, 38; and Tarsha Williams, 33, began shouting and fighting during a birthday celebration for Aliaga's son during the weekend. "Unfortunately, a birthday night out turned into a birthday melee," police Sgt. Paul Thompson said. "I don't even know if they finished their pizza." Aliaga was reportedly upset about Williams' 13-year-old son playing a basketball arcade game at the Natick, Mass., Chuck E. Cheese for a long time. Aliaga told her son to be patient while the other boy had his turn with the game. Williams' son apparently pushed the boy, who accused him of "hogging" the game. "Next thing you know words were exchanged," Thompson said and escalated to fisticuffs. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-312326-309447
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joy Re: Making fancy PowerPoint shows Dear Webby, After reading today's note from you about power point, it reminded me of an email I received last year with the attached power point program. Could you tell me how they were able to have the the colors re-appear on the pictures and also the pictures with filter effects go back to looking normal? I loved the transitions, but have never seen them in power point. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this! Joy Dear Joy Java applets have been doing that for a dozen years, and Open Office Impress for a few years. With Impress you can use any Java or Flash applets for the transitions. Just make some basic slide shows and then enhance them. The newest PowerPoint apparently is offering those features too. Have FUN! DearWebby

On wall in the men's room: "My wife follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - London, UK - UPI A Lizard Point, England, man said he turned about 110 pounds of cocaine over to police after he found it washed up on a tourist beach. Frank Partridge, 57, said he discovered the drugs while walking his two dogs at Pentreath cove, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday. "I thought if I didn't take it, someone who might not go to the police would; so I dragged it home, taking it in stages, and then using a wheelbarrow," Partridge said. "It was a bit too big for a doorstop. But I'm very anti-drugs, having five daughters, so I phoned the police straight away," he said. "Luckily I'm one of the good guys, but you wonder how many of these packages might have turned up and not been reported." Partridge's discovery followed a similar find by dolphin researchers near Kynance Cove earlier in February. Researcher James Saulino, who made the discovery, said "Columbia" was printed on the inside of one of the packages. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

The hostess (with a daughter of marriageable age - of long duration) sent out an invitation to an officer (who was supposed to be the prospective suitor of her daughter's hand). "Mr. and Mrs. Dabney request the pleasure of Captain Black's company at dinner on the 16th of March." She was somewhat dismayed to receive the enthusiastic reply: "With the exception of four men on leave, and two sick, Captain Black's company accept with much pleasure your invitation to dinner on the 16th of March."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Slicing Round Food To prevent an onion, bagel, or anything round from rolling while you slice it, cut a small slice from an edge and use that as a base. Then it it will not roll as easily and is much safer. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while John was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the sausages I'm served is a match in size for my own." The waitress pulls the menu from the man's hand and says "I'll be right back with the children's menu."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: SuperCook, the Intelligent recipe finder
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Dear Webby: How to save single Power Point pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  March 6, 2008
Tomorrow is Friday!

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. --- Albert Einstein When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. --- Mark Twain
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied. Thanks to Darlene for this story: A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks," What's your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that. The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Felipe M. Medina, 18, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin Too dumb to be out and about February 22, Sheboygan. Wisconsin - AP He must have really liked the jacket. An 18-year-old man has been charged with stealing clothing from a department store after police said he showed up for questioning wearing a jacket taken months earlier. Felipe M. Medina, of Sheboygan, was charged Thursday with a misdemeanor count of retail theft. The criminal complaint said Medina took a pair of blue jeans, a black T-shirt and a black jacket from a Kohl's store on Nov. 27 in Sheboygan. Police Capt. James Veeser identified Medina as the suspect after viewing the store surveillance tape. A detective asked Medina to come to the police station Wednesday. He admitted in a police interview that he took the clothes and was currently wearing the stolen jacket, the complaint said. He faces up to nine months in jail if convicted. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/02/ ... 7663.shtml
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Tired of Global Warming promises and winter lasting longer than normal
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jeannie Re: Saving PowerPoint pictures Dear Webby, Several times over the past few months I’ve been sent some amazing power point presentations. Many of the pictures are just breath taking and I’d like to save a few of them. How do I do it? I would ask the people that sent them to me for copies of the photos but have already discovered that they have no clue about the photos as they have just forwarded on what was forwarded to them. Any advice or help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks! Jeannie Dear Jeannie Just get OpenOffice. It is free. It has a PowerPoint viewer in it that shows you the thumbnails on the side, and the big pictures in the center. Or you can hit F5 and enjoy the show running on it's own. You can save the individual pictures, and even edit captions and make your own slide show. When you are ready to download Open Office, just go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools I got a big link button to it there. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Cookie for this report: A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just ......?" "Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask." said the clerk with new interest. "just what do you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, [what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (my children). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. So... this must make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Middletown, Ohio - AP Birthday candles may be in short supply in Middletown, where two unrelated women have turned 104 just three days apart. Marjorie Hunt celebrated her big birthday Monday in the southwest Ohio city, at the retirement community where she lives. At another, Hazel Carter marked her 104th birthday on Thursday. Carter once taught in a one-room schoolhouse, served in the Army during World War II and worked as an executive secretary for more than 40 years before retiring way back when she was 65. Hunt is a reverse snowbird. She had lived in Florida for 30 years before coming back to Ohio. http://www.happynews.com/news/332008/oh ... -apart.htm

Thanks to Sandie for this story: I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked. "She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Zippers on Sofa Cushions Don't assume that the zipper on a sofa cushion covers is so you can remove it and toss it in the washing machine. Look for a tag on the cushion for cleaning instructions. Most cushion covers will shrink if you launder them like you would sheets or clothing, leaving them unusable. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A friend went to her doctor the other day and the man was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just have to learn to live it," he said. When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Beautiful America
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Dear Webby: Bounce generated spam 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  March 5, 2008

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ---Douglas Casey
John was drunk when he got to Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the drunk asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." John headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the drunk man started shouting, "Don't flush, PLEASE, don't flush!" The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps, to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch. The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and the tooth was easily removed. "Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist. "Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the root went that deep?"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 24 year old phony in Chicago, Ill Cried wolf in the wrong town March 4, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Chicago police say a man reporting his car stolen falsely claimed that his young son had been in the vehicle at the time. Police told the Chicago Tribune that the 2-year-old boy was located safe at a home on the South Side and called off the manhunt for the missing family car. The boy's father reported his car had been taken from a gas station Monday night with the boy inside. The vehicle was found abandoned. Officer Amina Greer said the child is fine but his 24 year old father faces charges of filing a false police report. The suspect who stole the vehicle remains at large. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-312360-772370
Thanks to Trish for this picture of her back yard:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Spamcops not reporting Dear Webby, I keep getting this spam from this place and I keep reporting it to Spamcop but when I do, it turns out that it was bouncing and they don't report it to the spammers anymore. any ideas on what to do next? -- Eric Dear Eric That's not really enough info to jump to any confusion. If the web host of the spammer IS the spammer, and is in Russia or Asia, there is not much you can do about it except block them. Sometimes that type of spam is generated by the virus infected machine of the bozo next door, with your address forged as the sending address and then bounced off a non- existing address to you, since your address is forged in as the purported sender. With MailWasher you can detect that kind of spam and trash it automatically, unseen. Have FUN! DearWebby

"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria." "Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Wichita, Kansas - UPI Police in Wichita, Kan., said a local man sealed up a crawlspace under a rental home while a suspected thief was inside taking copper pipes. The police said the man, described as a pastor, heard a noise coming from under the house and phoned police after sealing a 48-year-old man inside the crawlspace, the Wichita Eagle reported Wednesday. Capt. Darrell Haynes said the suspect, a prisoner out on work release, was taken to the Sedgwick County Jail. Haynes said officers noticed several copper pipes had been cut from inside the crawlspace.

Thanks to Millie for this story: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name!!! Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago!! Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes!" he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1944." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Surge Protector or Just a Power Strip It's a good idea to plug your computer into a power strip that has a surge protector in it. Not all power strips have this feature. If your power strip doesn't state that it has a surge protector it probably does not and you should upgrade to help protect your expensive electronics. If you believe in election promises and advertising, that is good advice. Just because a power bar claims to have a surge protector, that does not mean it has an effective surge protector. A light-weight no-name brand power bar for $2.95 - $19.95 just has a token suppressor chip that may suicide from the surge caused by turning a big monitor on. It will just be a handy power bar from then on, without telling you that it no longer even detects surges. In the class between $19.95 and $49.95 they indicate with a flickering light that they are just a dumb power bar now. In the heavier, above $50 class there are heavy coils and capacitors, and often even a battery that will smooth over short outages and flickers. Without getting into technical details, usually the heavier a power bar is, the more likely it has effective surge protection. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into an old blouse and sweats and proceeded to wash her hair and give herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she wrapped a towel around her head and, with cold creme on her face, stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say, with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT monfter?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beautiful PLanet: Earth
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Dear Webby: Setting up multiple users in Windows 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  March 4, 2008

Life is a sexually transmitted disease. --- R. D. Laing The gods too are fond of a joke. --- Aristotle
On a balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship spied smoke coming from one of three huts on an island they thought was deserted. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a "survivor." He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than three years!" The captain of the ship replied, "But we saw THREE huts." The survivor said, "Oh. Well, I live in one, and go to church in another." "What about the THIRD hut?" asked the captain. "That's where I USED to go to church." What Is Easter? Three cheerleaders died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"? The first cheerleader replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St.Peter. Then he turns to the second cheerleader, and asks her the same question - "What is Easter?" The second cheerleader replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second cheerleader, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third cheerleader and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third cheerleader smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third cheerleader continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of hockey!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to J.P. MorganChase and of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington Too easy check cashing March 3, 2008 - Indianapolis, Indiana - UPI Indiana's state attorney general is suing a California woman who allegedly wrote her name on her employer's $1.26 million tax refund check. Attorney General Steve Carter alleges in the lawsuit filed in federal court that Lucia Abrantes illegally put her name on the refund check Indiana issued to Verizon Capital Corp. Carter claims Abrantes, who is described in the suit as a "rogue employee" of Verizon, deposited the money in her bank account and had it sent overseas. The banks that processed the check, J.P. MorganChase of New York and Washington Mutual Capital of Washington, were also named as defendants in the suit, which says the institutions should not have processed the altered check. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to all who sent this picture of a classic Redneck Mansion:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Setting up multiple users in Windows Dear Webby, Can you tell me how to secure my computer so that if there is more than one user each user has to sign in with a password? I am using Windows XP. Thanks. Ann Dear Ann In order to set up a new user account, log in using your administrator account. (If there are no other accounts currently on your machine, then you ARE the administrator) Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Windows invites you to choose a task. Among the choices are Changing Accounts, Adding New Accounts, and Changing Logon/Log Off Options. Click Create A New Account Step 1 in the wizard dialog box that appears is to name the account. Enter the name you would like to appear for the users. Click the Next button. Choose the type of account, limited or administrator. (Users that have administrator access can make any changes they wish to the computer, those users with limited access however can not.) Finally, click Create Account In order to add passwords to new or existing accounts, follow these directions: Click Start Choose Control Panel Click User Accounts Click one of the accounts at the bottom of the window. Click Create A Password link and type in the desired password. Follow the instructions to restrict access to your folders and then you are done. To switch between the different users on the machine: Click Start Click Log Off Select Switch Users to change between the different users. Have FUN! DearWebby

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Deeli's Kudos March 3, 2008 - Vancouver, British Columbia - UPI A British Columbia woman who accused the staff at a Vancouver restaurant of being racist has been ordered to pay the eatery $1,500, Canadian media said Monday. Muneinazvo Tima filed a grievance with the BC Human Rights Tribunal claiming an alleged racial incident in 2006 at the restaurant caused her to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, causing her walk in her sleep and do badly in classes at the University of British Columbia, the Vancouver Sun reported. She testified she and a black male companion were forced to wait for a table for 45 minutes, then 20 more for a server, and then 45 minutes more for their meal. The tribunal heard restaurant staff had asked the couple to leave, as her friend had "acted inappropriately" by slapping a staff member's buttocks, the report said. The tribunal ruled Tima's "complaint is not justified," and ordered her to pay $1,500 in legal costs to the restaurant, the report said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy, really," replied the proud baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bath Bib for Bathing Babies Keep yourself dry while giving your baby a bath by creating a large bib from a towel. Just fasten one end of the towel around your neck using a large safety pin and let the rest drape in front of you. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Corrected now, without the trailing / Polar bears
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Dear Webby, What are the advantages of PayPal? 




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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  March 3, 2008

If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self. — Napoleon Hill
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. One woman was talking to her friend. "You should listen to my neighbor," she said. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Deborah Reid, 42, in Muirhouse, Scotland Poor table manners! February 29, 2008 - Edinburgh, Scotland - UPI A Muirhouse, Scotland, woman has pleaded guilty to stabbing her husband when he attempted to calm a dispute between her and her daughter over the TV. Deborah Reid, 42, pleaded guilty Tuesday to culpably and recklessly brandishing a knife after she stabbed her husband, Thomas Reid, in the right shoulder with a kitchen knife in July while he was attempting to calm a heated argument between his wife and 18-year-old stepdaughter over what they should watch on TV, the Edinburgh Evening News reported Tuesday. Prosecutor Siobhan Monks said Reid dropped the knife after the stabbing and fled from the house while her family locked the door behind her and phoned authorities. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Sue for this picture of her spring garden in Wales:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: What is the advantage of PayPal Dear Webby, What is the advantage of having Pay Pal and how do I get it if I were interested Please help!! Thank you, Robert. Dear Robert PayPal is like a 2-way debit card. You can receive money just as easily as spending money. For example, if you find that you have more stuff to get rid off from the spring cleaning than you have garbage bag allowance, you sell some of the stuff on eBay. Somebody is bound to want that stuff. They pay you via PayPal and stock up your PayPal account. When you buy something over the net, for example web hosting, you use your PayPal account to pay for it. If you buy something major, you can stock your account by dragging funds from your bank account onto it. The same also works when you have too much in the PayPal account and not enough in your checking account. You simply drag some money from PayPal to your bank account. You can view and print your PayPal account any time you want, without statement fees like your bank charges. It works quite well and I have never had a problem with PayPal. 95% of Webby clients pay with PayPal and appreciate the convenience. To get an account, just go to http://paypal.com Have FUN! DearWebby

"Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand." Anni Said, "But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. "Actually no," Anni replied, "Just between my 2 big toes!"

Deeli's Kudos March 2, 2008 - New York - UPI Two childhood friends are celebrating their successful kidney donation and transplant in New York after being reconnected by a random online link. While Karl Celestin and Ricardo Manier were good friends as children, it wasn't until Celestin's name appeared on Manier's Facebook account that the two reconnected. The New York Daily News said when Celestin learned Manier needed a kidney, the old friend offered him one of his own. Manier lost his own kidney to a rare disease but now, thanks to his childhood friend, he has a new lease on life. "It was a lifeline for me," Manier said following the pair's successful operations. "I was really sick, my body was shutting down. Eventually I would have fallen asleep and never woken up. "He gave me something that's better than anything." Doctors told the Daily News both surgeries went well and both men are expected to recover and enjoy their renewed friendship. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-311279-765490

One criminal who was accused of several murders and robbery was sentenced to death by the judge of the court. It was decided that the criminal will be shot in front of a firing squad on a particular day. On that very day, the weather was very foul. It rained cats and dogs. There was no sufficient light to see anything clearly. But duty is duty so the captain of the squad along with his five soldiers took the criminal and started walking to the spot. On the way the criminal told the Captain, "See,what a weather! I am not afraid of death, but this day is not suitable for dying. What do you think?" "Truly, the weather is very foul", the Captain replied, "But you are fortunate as you are only going one way, just think of our condition! We have to go all the way back!".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sanding in Hard to Reach Places An emery board or a small nail file works well for sanding tough to reach places on furniture. You can make something similar to an emery board by gluing sanding paper to a tongue depressor. You can make custom files by dipping Q-tips in carpenter's glue, and rolling them in white Quartz sand or valve grinding powder. Before the glue hardens completely, squish the tip into a pie shape with one sharp edge and the rest rounded. For longer detail files you can scratch up the end of a brass brazing rod or concrete from wire (stiff and springy galvanized wire about 1/8 " thick), and glue cotton to it first, then the abrasive an hour later. You can also pound the ends of a piece of form wire into a micro-chisel on one end and a hoe type scraper at the other end to have a very versatile tool for removing paint or glue traces from narrow spots. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees. Over there, the Reb's wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks. Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers." A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?" "Maybe, Ma'am. But not while I'm driving this bus."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Noella for today's Bonus Link: Polar bears
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internet TV software 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  March 2, 2008

All who have achieved great things have been great dreamers. ---Orison Swett Marden The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --- Joe Ancis
Thanks to Irene for this story: Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way. Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies." Thanks to Ginny for this story: My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photograph on the mantle piece?" I told her, "To keep the kids away from the fire."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mthandani Nqetho in Durban, South Africa Not a movie stuntman either January 31, 2008 - Durban, South Africa - UPI Police in South Africa said a suspected thief spent hours clinging to a rail after he impaled both his feet on a fence during an attempted getaway. Authorities said Mthandani Nqetho impaled his feet on the fence's steel spikes while fleeing from guards in the city of Durban Friday night and he was not found until churchgoers spotted him the next morning. Nqetho was able to free one of his feet on his own, but the other remained impaled until the following morning, when bystanders phoned rescue services. Captain Greg Bevan said the suspect's wrists were swollen from hanging onto the rail for several hours. Police spokesman Michael Reed said Nqetho has been charged with robbery and is being guarded at the hospital. He said Nqetho will go before a magistrate as soon as he is healthy enough to walk which police estimated at about a week. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-295366-890974
Thanks to my Kate for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kate Re: Internet TV software Dear Webby, I just found this advert about internet tv and I know that your the most savvy on net fraud that I know so I wanted your opinion. to me it already looks too good to be true.... so... :) Kate Dear Kate There is no way that I can check out all 15,000 different PC-TV programs out there. Most of them cost between $29 and $99, and they all require you to buy RealPlayer. They all got the same free stations. Whenever one adds a new station, the other ones will have it too within a day or so. As a rule of thumb, if they accept PayPal, they are legit. PayPal would axe them instantly if they were not legit. Have FUN! DearWebby

Only in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense.

Deeli's Kudos February 26, 2008 - Somerset, UK - Daily Telegraph A mother who fell into a coma after losing her baby son during a difficult labour came back from the brink of death after her husband gave her "a bloody good yelling at". Yvonne Sullivan, 28, lost consciousness suffering from severe blood poisoning moments after being told that baby Clinton had died. Her husband Dominic, 37, kept a round-the-clock vigil at her bedside for two weeks as she lay in intensive care. But when doctors told him they would have to switch off her life support machine, Mr Sullivan took drastic action - by giving his wife a firm telling-off. He held his wife's hand and demanded: "You start fighting. Don't you dare give up on me now. I've had enough, stop mucking around and start breathing. Come back to me." Two hours later she started to breathe steadily again. Within five days, doctors were able to switch off her ventilator, and she regained consciousness to see her husband standing beside her. She even remembers hearing her husband yelling at her as she lay in a coma and says it gave her the strength to pull through. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jh ... oma123.xml

A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vegetable Oil on Your Snow Shovel Coat your snow shovel with some vegetable oil to keep snow from sticking to it. Use the cheapest cooking oil you have on hand. Make sure you carefully wash off that oil before the dusty season! Unlike dry Moly lube or spray-on Ski wax, cooking oil attracts and binds dust into a rough crust that will make your life miserable next year. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but....this seems to require further study."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Encyclopedia of Life
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Patch for MS-Office 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  March 1, 2008

Live out of your imagination, not your history. --- Stephen Covey
Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says : 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends'. They do it differently in Scottland! Angus McKenzie comes home and finds his wife in bed with his friend. He shoots his wife. Later, at the pub, his friends ask him why he did that. His reply was, "I can budget one bullet, but I got a lot more friends than I want to buy bullets for."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Eric Holmes of Chicago Not a movie stuntman February 27, 2008 - Chicago, Illinois - UPI Chicago police are holding a suspect in the death of a man who climbed onto the roof of his van after it was stolen by a carjacker. Eric Holmes, 23, was killed when the carjacker tried to shake him off by driving the vehicle into a concrete barrier on Chicago's Dan Ryan Expressway, The Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday. Police say Holmes was stopped at a gas station Tuesday night when a man jumped into his van and drove off. Holmes grabbed the vehicle's luggage rack and pulled himself onto the roof as the van entered the expressway and headed north. A witness said Holmes was trying to enter the vehicle through the passenger door when the driver rammed into the concrete barrier http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-309576-685551 -------------------------- He would have been quite safe hanging on to the ladder in the back and motioning drivers from other cars to call 911.
Thanks to my dad for this picture: A dark rainy day made it possible to take a picture of the Snake Cactus with the sky in the background. It looks much better in sunshine, of course, but my camera can't handle that. With a bright sky behind it, the colors turn out almost black. Papa
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: MS Office patch Dear Webby, > Word can't open Open Office documents, it is way too primitive for that. Yes it can. The good folks at Sun Microsystems realised that Open Office would never get off the ground if MS Office couldn't read (and save) their documents, so they released a free plugin for MS Office that allows it to do just that. The Sun ODF Patch for Microsoft Office gives users of Microsoft Office Word, Excel and PowerPoint the ability to read, edit and save to the ISO-standard Open Document Format (ODF). The plugin works with Microsoft Office 2007 (Service Pack 1 or higher), Microsoft Office 2003, XP and Microsoft Office 2000. The plugin is based on StarOffice technology and is easy to setup and use, the conversion happens transparently and the additional memory footprint is minimal. MS Office Patch Cheers Gary Dear Gary OK, I'll keep it in mind that SUN has a secret patch for MS Office. I don't really need it myself, since Open Office allows me to save documents in the old prprietory Microsoft format for those who have not upgraded yet. Have FUN! DearWebby

Grammer Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Little Johnny: "Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and the preacher ran off to a mission in Africa."

Deeli's Kudos Kudos to the camera person ... February 22, 2008 - Belgrade, Serbia - Reuters BELGRADE, Serbia - A video of two young women looting with gay abandon during rioting in the Serbian capital Belgrade was becoming a Balkan smash hit on the video-sharing Web site YouTube Friday. Police arrested some looters, but public humiliation by YouTube may prove a far more painful punishment for the pair, whose spree Thursday night was also aired on local television stations and was being discussed across the Internet. A persistent amateur cameraman followed the women as they loaded up with chocolates at a corner shop, came out giggling, then went after designer bags, shoes and clothes at Belgrade's swankiest stores in its vandalized main shopping street. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23300651/

Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one lunch check, Chaos is four women plus one bargain.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 313empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Aphid Repellent Plants You can help prevent aphid infestations on your vegetables by planting them with plants that repel aphids. Some examples are anise, chives, coriander, garlic, onions, petunias and radish. Another trick is lay some aluminum foil around the base of a plant, the reflection will help deter the aphids. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new librarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and, with a look of utter disgust on his face, handed them to the librarian. Before the librarian could even start her speech, the boy said, disdainfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Optical Illusions
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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