The Importance of Walking .... !! 

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.




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How do Iget rid of the shortcut arrow on icons 



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>
Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 31

Today in 
1492 Queen Isabella of Castilia & Ferdinand of Aragon expel Jews from Spain
1504 France & Spain signs ceasefire 
1667 France/England sign anti-Dutch military accord 
1683 Emperor Leopold I/Poland signs covenant against Turkey
1745 Jews are expelled from Prague
1808 French created Kingdom of Westphalia orders Jews to adopt family names
1814 Forces allied against Napoleon capture Paris France 
1850 US population hits 23,191,876 (Black population: 3,638,808 (15.7%)) 
1854 Commodore Perry forces Japan to opens ports to foreign trade 
1880 1st town completely illuminated by electric lighting (Wabash IN) 
1889 300 meter Eiffel Tower officially opens (commemorates French Revolution)
1903 Richard Pearse flies monoplane several hundred yards (New Zealand) 
1917 US purchases Danish West Indies for $25M & renames them Virgin Islands
1920 British parliament accept Irish "Home Rule"-law
1921 Albert Einstein lectures in New York on his new theory of relativity 
1923 French soldiers fire on workers at Krupp factory in Essen, Germany
1932 Ford publicly unveils its V-8 engine 
1933 German Republic gives power to Hitler 
1939 Britain & France agree to support Poland if invaded by Germany
1943 US errantly bombs Rotterdam, kills 326
1944 Hungary orders all Jews to wear yellow stars
1945 US artillery lands on Keise Shima/begins firing on Okinawa 
1959 Dalai Lama fled China & was granted political asylum in India
1965 US ordered the 1st combat troops to Vietnam 
1966 25,000 anti war demonstrators march in New York NY 
1980 President Jimmy Carter deregulates banking industry 
1991 Soviet Republic of Georgia endorsed independence; Warsaw Pact dissolves
1992 UN Security Council voted to ban flights & arms sales to Libya
2012  smiled

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DearWebby


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An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought. --- Simon Cameron "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." --- Socratex
Overheard in the line-up at the bank: Did you go to college?? No, I drink at home, I couldn't afford the $10,000 dollar cover charge!
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate. "Will you, please, name the baby just as I give it to you?" "Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?" "Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you added "AS" and wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas.' This boy I want to name Jack."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Click through for the large version. Red Amarylis
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Sarah Jones, Cincinnati Cheerleader And Teacher - Indicted For Having Sex With Student Covington, Ky. Sarah Jones, a Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleader and former Dixie Heights High School teacher, has been indicted on charges she had sex with a student while she was teaching. According to police, Jones had sex with a student while she was a teacher at Dixie Heights High School. She was indicted on a first-degree charge of sexual abuse and one count of unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or prohibited acts. (sending him naked pictures most likely). Sarah Jones' mother, Cheryl Jones, was indicted on a charge of tampering with evidence. Cheryl Jones is the Principal of Twenhofel Middle School in independence. Sarah Jones, 26, resigned from her teaching position in November, 2011, using a one sentence resignation. She cited "personal reasons" as her reason for quitting the job. She is currently the team captain for the Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleading squad and has cheered with them for the last five years. Both women were booked into the Kenton County Jail on Thursday. Sarah Jones' bond was set at $50,000. Her mother Cheryl Jones' bond was set at $30,000. -------------- I realize that probably only one of today's teachers in a Million could pass the Grade 8 exams we passed, but why are they picking gossipy toy-boys so frequently?
Tech Support Pits: From: Many Re: How do I get rid of the shortcut arrow? How do I get rid of the silly shortcut arrow? Nobody except a Microsoft programmer would store files or program on the desktop, so all icons are shortcuts to SOME place other than the desktop, and the silly arrow is just a nuisance. How do I get rid of it? Many With Windows XP and previous versions all the way back to Windows 95, the best method is to use TweakUI. For Windows7 and 8 you need stronger ammo to fix that nuisance. You COULD hack around in the registry, but I consider that as a last resort. The easiest and most reliable method is to download the "Vista Shortcut Overlay Remover" Program There are two different programs, depending on whether your Windows is 32 bit or 64 bit. Hold down the Windows key and hit the PAUSE key to see which version you got, then download the appropriate program from my Tool Box. They are free. I moved the link way up near the top. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use an Empty Can as a Utensil Holder When Cooking Here is what I use to prevent spilled mess on my counter when I am cooking. I usually use more than one utensil when I am cooking but never know where to place them during the cooking time as I am still using them. Well, since I usually use some type of canned goods with all my meals, I came up with the following idea. I rinse the can that I used, then I use it as a utensil holder while I am cooking. Once I am done cooking, I place the utensils in the sink, rinse the can again and recycle it. So it's kinda like recycling it twice. The bonus is that it saves a mess to clean off my counter or a plate. By tomnsaby from Albuquerque, NM I use a heavy pyrex measuring cup (4 or 6 cups) for that, and usually fill it half way with water. Unlike cans, a heavy pyrex measuing cup never gets knocked over. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the middle aged cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, don't you want a cart?" "Nah," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Unflinching, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" Just then the foreman comes into the room with his wallet in his hand. He looks around and says, "Hey! Where did the pizza delivery guy go to ?"
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Easy way to make icons 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Today in 
0239 -BC- 1st recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet 
1533 Henry VIII divorces his 1st wife, Catherine of Aragon
1603 Battle at Mellifont: English army under Lord Mountjoy beats Irish
1814 Britain & allies march into Paris after defeating Napoleon
1842 Ether was used as an anaesthetic for 1st time by Dr Crawford Long (Jefferson GA) 
1870 15th Amendment passes, guarantees right to vote regardless of race
1870 Texas becomes last confederate state readmitted to Union
1911 Lötschberg tunnel in Switzerland, 13,735 meter (8.5 Miles) completed
1919 Belgian Army occupies Düsseldorf 
1944 781 British bombers attack Neurenberg 
1950 Phototransistor invention announced, Murray Hill NJ 
1972 North Vietnamese troops enter South Vietnam
1981 President Reagan shot & wounded by John W Hinckley Jr 
1992 Man accidentally backs into A's Jose Canseco's $225,000 Lamborghini 
2012  smiled

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DearWebby


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"The most unpardonable sin in society is independence of thought." --- Emma Goldman The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. --- Ellen Parr
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like. She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten the know you sooner!"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great," the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture of her Jasmine bush Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Lindsey Morgan, 31 Woman Seven Months Pregnant Drives Drunk, Crashes Into Tree While Fleeing Police Buckley, Mich. Lindsey Morgan, a 31-year-old Michigan woman, was charged with DUI after she allegedly crashed into a tree while fleeing from police. All while being seven months pregnant with a 2-year-old inside the car. According to the Wexford County Sheriff's Office, Morgan punched the gas pedal and fled when an officer tried to pull her over Wednesday about 10 p.m.. The pursuit came to an abrupt stop when Morgan's vehicle crashed into a tree. She was taken into custody by a Wexford County deputy. Investigators say Morgan was intoxicated at twice the legal limit for operating a motor vehicle. She is also seven months pregnant and had her 2-year-old daughter inside the vehicle. Morgan was booked into the Wexford County Jail and charged with DUI - Third Offense.
Tech Support Pits: From: Calla Re: How do I make icons? Dear Webby, I need to make a bunch of icons for vision impaired people. Yes, I know there are tons of icons hidden in Windows and where, but I have to make new ones. What program do you recommend for that? . Calla Dear Calla Any decent paint program will work, and even indecently crude ones, as long as you can save a file as .BMP Before you start painting, make a directory and call it ICONS. You can take existing pictures as long as they have lots of contrast and not too many details. Shrink them to 64 x 64 pixels and see if they are still usable. Many pictures become unrecognizable when you do that. You may have to increase contrast and replace the background. Work on it in maximum Zoom and check it at normal size until it looks OK. Save the icons in BMP format into that ICONS directory. Once you have them all done, close the paint program and use Windows Explorer and rename the files to .ICO Note! You can not do that if the files are still open in the paint program. You HAVE to close them. After that, just right-click on an icon that you want to replace, click on Properties, Change Icon, and browse to the ICONS directory, choose the right icon and doubleclick it to select it. Then hit APPLY and OK and the new icon will show up. I have a hunch I know what tomorrow's most frequent question will be: How do I get rid of the ugly shortcut arrow on the icons? Wanna bet? Have FUN! DearWebby
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Cindy pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Paper Towels Serve Dual Purpose For those of us who still find paper towels a necessity, try this to get more out of them. Every time I wash my hands and use a paper towel to dry them off (especially in flu and cold season!), I use the fact that it is wet and give a quick clean-up swipe to either the splashes of water on the sink and counter top or another small spot of dirt that could use the ol' once-over. It makes me feel a bit better about using paper towels in my house! By AlaskanAurora from Dutch Harbor, AK Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The veterinarian told Judy that her dog needed a lot more exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball. "I can't play fetch with my dog," Judy said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
During a quarrel with his parents, little LeRoy cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, till I get my coat, I'll go with you."
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How to make a shorcut on desktop that goes to a site 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 29

Today in 
1461 Battle near Towton Field, 33,000 die (War of the Roses) 
1638 1st permanent white settlement in Delaware (Swedish Lutherans) 
1798 Republic of Switzerland forms
1804 Thousands of Whites massacred in Haiti 
1827 20,000 attend Ludwig von Beethovens burial in Vienna
1847 12,000 US troops capture Vera Cruz, Mexico
1848 Niagara Falls stops flowing for 30 hours due to an ice jam 
1864 Great Britain gives Isotope Islands back to Greece
1867 British North America Act (Canadian constitution) is passed 
1886 Chemist John Pemberton begins to advertise for Coca-Cola (with cocaine) 
1927 Henry O D Segrave races his Sunbeam to a record 203.79 mph at Daytona; 
1st auto to exceed 200 mph (322 kph) 
1942 British cruiser Trinidad torpedoes itself in the Barents Sea 
1949 Turkey recognizes Israel
1964 1st true Pirate Radio station, Radio Caroline (England) 
1973 Last US troops leave Vietnam, 9 years after Tonkin Gulf Resolution 
1989 1st Soviet hockey players are permitted to play for the NHL 
1994 Serbs & Croats signed a cease-fire to end the war in Croatia
2012  smiled

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DearWebby


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It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. --- Tallulah Bankhead Just like in biographies, in many diaries the dates are are often lonely islands of facts. --- Socratex
Thanks to Alf for thos one: Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams. About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Customer: Can this wool coat be worn in wet weather? Clerk: Madam, have you ever seen a sheep carry an umbrella?
Click through for the large version. Myanmar
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Nicole Jacques, 25 Teacher Charged With Repeatedly Having Sex With 15-Year-Old Student Hatfield, Penn. (The Weekly Vice) - Nicole Jacques, a 25-year-old former teacher at Calvary Baptist School in Landsdale, has been jailed after she repeatedly had sex with a 15-year-old student. According to police, an investigation was launched in February after the parents of a 15-year-old boy complained that Jacques was having "excessive and inappropriate contact" with their son. During the investigation, detectives learned that Jacques met the boy while teaching at Calvary Baptist School, but she resigned her position in late 2011. Following the resignation, Jacques continued to contact the teen, which soon developed into a sexual relationship. Investigators say Jacques and the boy repeatedly had sex at her apartment. Jacques was booked into jail and charged with 20 counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, 20 counts of statutory sexual assault, 10 counts of unlawful contact with a minor and 20 counts of corruption of minors. She was arraigned on Monday and her bail was set at $50,000. Her next court appearance has been set for April 4th.
Tech Support Pits: From: Moe Re: shorcut on desktop that goes to a site Dear Webby, Any way to put a shorcut on desktop that goes to a site? Specifically i have Lycos as my search engine of choice. Tired of google quirks. So must go to browser Favs or Bookmarks and use that path. Should be a way to save link to desktop? Not see at their site. Would be a good idea to tell them to add the function for other lost users. moe Dear Moe Look at the address bar in your browser. Just to the left of it, there is a tiny icon, if the site has a "Favicon", a poorly documented and not properly implemented feature in Windows, or some kind of small icon. Go to for example http://webby.com/humor You will see a tiny icon of me laughing. Drag that onto an empty spot on your desktop. Instant shortcut icon. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new roof. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paper Towel Rolls for Seedlings I save the cardboard centers from toilet paper. These are excellent for starting seeds for my garden in the early spring. When the conditions are right for planting, I simply plant seedling in its cardboard core. By Judi S. from Six Mile, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Neville had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered a job at the council as a garbage collector, he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow from his old neighborhood who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays," Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya silly idiot. Where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, stood up. The teacher said, ", do you really think you're stupid?" "No, ma'am", said, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" +
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The Right Person for the Right Job 

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.

If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk.

If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.





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How much RAM does XP need? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, March 28

Today in 
1738 English parliament declares war on Spain
1774 Britain passes Coercive Act against Massachusetts 
1797 Nathaniel Briggs of New Hampshire patents a washing machine
1799 New York State abolished slavery
1804 Ohio passed law restricting movement of Blacks
1845 Mexico drops diplomatic relations with US 
1854 During the Crimean War, Britain & France declare war on Russia
1866 1st ambulance goes into service 
1885 US Salvation Army officially organized 
1917 Jews are expelled from Tel Aviv & Jaffa by Turkish authorities 
1935 Goddard uses gyroscopes to control a rocket
1939 Dutch hunter shoots English bombers down 
1939 Spanish Civil War ends, Madrid falls to Francisco Franco 
1941 Sea battle at Cape Matapan: British fleet under Cunningham defeats Italy
1942 234 RAF bombers attack Lübeck
1994 Italy's right-wing alliance under Silvio Berlusconi wins election 
1995 World's largest banks-Japan's Mitsubishi Bank & Bank of Tokyo merge 
2012  smiled

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DearWebby


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Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. --- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
A blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the blind farmer in the back. The farmer turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw him to the ground with a thump that left it breathless. "Goodness!" said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong." "I owe it all to faith," said the blind farmer. "And if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of his bike, I'd have thrashed him good and properly."
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

>From Brent Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
Click through for the large version. Rice Land China
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Michael Gorneau, 46 Man pocket dials 911 while stealing A Connecticut man accidentally called 911 on his cell phone while he was allegedly stealing 700 pounds of scrap metal from a local business Thursday. Police initially thought the call was a medical emergency, since they could only hear rustling in the background before the call disconnected, according to Southington Patch. But once identified the caller's location using GPS, they arrived at the scene to find Michael Gorneau, 46, had transferred the metal from a local business's dumpster into his pick-up truck. Gorneau accidentally called 911 while crawling under a fence, police told Southington Patch. They initially thought the call might be a medical emergency, since they could only hear rustling in the background. The metal belonged to a company that makes metal doors, NBC Connecticut reported. Far from being trash, it's generally sold to help pay for the employees' benefits. Gorneau was charged with third-degree trespassing and sixth-degree larceny larceny. He was released from jail on $5,000 bond, and is scheduled to appear in court on April 2.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re: How much memory for XP ? Dear Webby, One of my home computers is a Dell running Windows XP Professional. I have 1G memory. Browsers seem to crash fairly often, Firefox and Chrome. I suspect they run into memory problems when several tabs, not many, are open. Before I get more memory, I wonder if the rather massive number of things that load at start-up might be a problem, Since I don't know what they all do. Is there somewhere I can find out what is essential and what I can forgo? I am sending this message using Netscape Navigator 9 which seems not to have that problem. -- Wm W. P. Dear Bill 1 GB is not really enough for nowadays. Be a big spender and get another MB. To sort out what starts up I use StartupCop from PC Magazine. It costs $8, but is well worth it. It lets you disable unwanted stuff and does a fair job explaining what each item does. You should still get that second MB of RAM from DELL or TigerDirect, but StartupCop will help to eliminate unwanted or obsolete stuff and generally clean things up. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now our boat is the only urinal for 500 miles around!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paper Towel Rolls for Seedlings I save the cardboard centers from toilet paper. These are excellent for starting seeds for my garden in the early spring. When the conditions are right for planting, I simply plant seedling in its cardboard core. By Judi S. from Six Mile, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house. Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third. ”What's wrong with the nails?” he asked. ”Sure the heads are at the wrong end.” ”You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house?”
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "Yes, of course she did." "Well, what did she say?" "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan. "I stopped listening twenty years ago."
» Light Sculptures





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Low volume on some VOIP calls 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, March 27

Thank you, Neil!

Today in 
1513 Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León sights Florida 
1713 Spain loses Menorca & Gibraltar 
1790 The shoelace invented 
1794 Congress authorizes the President "to provide a naval armament" (US Navy) 
1841 1st US steam fire engine tested, New York NY 
1849 Joseph Couch patents steam-powered percussion rock drill 
1860 M L Byrn patents "covered gimlet screw with a 'T' handle" (corkscrew) 
1866 Andrew Rankin patents the urinal 
1879 Longest championship fight (136 rounds) 
1924 Canada recognizes USSR
1941 Britain leases defense bases in Trinidad to US for 99 years
1942 Japan forces Java to use "Tokyo time" 1½ hour forward 
1945 Iwo Jima occupied, after 22,000 Japanese & 6,000 US killed 
1950 Netherlands recognizes People's Republic of China
1958 Havana Hilton opens
1964 Earthquake strikes Anchorage AK, 9.2 on Richter scale, 
131 die from earthquake and resulting tsunami; 
this is the most violent eathquake in US history 
1964 UN troops arrive on Cyprus
1966 Anti Vietnam war demonstrations in US, Europe & Australia 
1980 Mount St Helens becomes active after 123 years
1997 39 cult members in California commit mass suicide (Hale-Bopp) 
In 2012  smiled

That was Secretary of State Seward who bought Alaska and the 
Aleutian Islands in 1867.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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The easiest way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. --- Oscar Wilde I used to be pure as the New Fallen Snow - but I drifted --- Mae West Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. --- Robert Frost
Driving to a new restaurant, Judy took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?" "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where I'm supposd to be going when I'm driving."
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Jeffrey Sevigny, 49 of Pembroke, Mass Drunk driving with a Bobcat is third DUI A 49-year-old Pembroke man is facing his third drunken driving charge after neighbors said they saw him doing “doughnuts” while driving a Bobcat tractor on one of the town’s main roads. Jeffrey Sevigny of 72 Mill St. was arraigned Thursday in Plymouth District Court and was being held on $2,500 cash bail. He was charged with third-offense drunken driving, driving with a suspended license as a subsequent offense and negligent driving. Witnesses told police they saw Sevigny riding a Bobcat tractor on Center Street and Mill Street at about 8 p.m. Wednesday. It is illegal to operate tractors on public roads, Pembroke police Lt. Mike Jenness said. Witnesses told police they saw Sevigny doing “doughnuts”, circular maneuvers that leave skid marks on the road, near Tubbs Meadow. Police said they saw Sevigny driving the tractor onto a dirt area off the road. Authorities saw wheel marks left by the tractor on Center and Mill streets, Jenness said. Police said they could smell alcohol on Sevigny’s breath. No field sobriety tests were conducted because the driver was too drunk, Jenness said. Sevigny is due back in court April 20.
Tech Support Pits: From: Kevin Re: voice volume on VOIP Dear Webby, I have had Voice Over IP for my phone for almost a year and have been reasonably happy with it. Lately I noticed that with some people I have a rela problem hearing them. Not all, but especially with sales people the volume seems to be really low. Is that due to VOIP ? Thanks Kevin Dear Kevin Since you can hear some people normally, the problem is most likely just lazy people using a speakerphone and not talking directly at it. Insist on talking to the manager or owner of that business, and complain. The alternative is to switch to a supplier, where they care enough about their customers to use head-sets or regular phones, or at least talk directly at a speakerphone. With incoming calls I am quite fussy. If the volume is too low, or the background noise sounds like a laundromat or a call center in Pakistan, I put the phone down, and let them listen to my radio until they hang up. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shelf Liner for Wobbly Sewing Machine Another use for rubber shelf liner is to place a scrap piece under your sewing machine. This is handy and keeps my sewing machine from moving while I'm using it. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Bob for this one: It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon. We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries." Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he will laugh three times. First - when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third - in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it. When you tell an Irishman the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell it, to be polite, even if he was the one who told you the joke last week. And second - when he tells it to you again next week. When you tell an American the same joke he won't laugh at all. Instead he will say, "It's an old joke. The Irishman told it to me last week."
» Caves Under the Bahamas





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Obama Volt 2012 







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Is a firewall really necessary? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, March 26

Thank you, Larry!

Today in 
1668 England takes control of Bombay India 
1799 Napolean captures Jaffa Palestine
1804 Congress orders removal of Indians east of Mississippi to Louisiana
1804 Territory of Orleans organized in Louisiana Purchase 
1812 Earthquake destroys 90% of Caracas; about 20,000 die 
1859 1st sighting of Vulcan, a planet thought to orbit inside Mercury 
1885 Louis Riel's forces defeat Canadian forces at Duck Lake, Saskatchewan 
1910 US forbid immigration to criminals, anarchists, paupers & the sick 
1934 Driving tests introduced in Britain 
1937 Spinach growers of Crystal City TX, erect statue of Popeye
1944 705 British bombers attack Essen 
1945 Japanese resistance ends on Iwo Jima
1945 Kamikazes attack US battle fleet near Kerama Retto 

In Alaska, today is Seward Day to comemorate President Seward 
buying Alaska and the Aleutian Islands in 1867.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college." --- Ross Shafer "What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket--she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn--he's prepared for traffic. "What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll--she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun--he's prepared for traffic." --- Jason Chase
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Uncle Jon was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, James, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event. Uncle Jon thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can." After Uncle Jon finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to James and asked him: "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?" "Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brian Allee, 29 Jailed After Shooting Up Heroin In Front Of Son's School, With Crying Baby In Back Seat Sheboygan, Wis. (The Weekly Vice) - Brian Allee, a 29-year-old Wisconsin man was jailed Wednesday after he allegedly injected heroin while waiting in a car in front of his son's school. An 8-month-old baby was found crying in the back seat. According to Sheboygan police, officers were dispatched to Cooper Elementary School after Allee's six-year-old son found his father passed out in a car outside of his school. The child ran back into the school crying "I can't wake Daddy up." Investigators say a teacher went out to the car, which was still running, and was unable to wake Allee. A syringe was found in Allee's hand while an 8-month-old baby cried in the back seat. Arriving officers searched the car and found six foil squares of heroin, a cigarette lighter and a burned spoon that was coated with heroin residue. Needle marks were found on Allee's arm, including one mark that was still bleeding. Allee was transported to Sheboygan Memorial Hospital where he was treated and tested for drug abuse. He was taken into custody soon afterward. Allee was booked into jail and charged with child neglect and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Tech Support Pits: From: Beat Re: Is a firewall necessary? Dear Webby, Is a firewall necessary for a computer that is only used for an hour or so every day? Beat Dear Beat Yes, it is. They did a test with a thousand brand new computers and they were attacked on the average within 14 minutes. If you don't think a good firewall like McAfee is justified in your case, get a free one like ZoneAlarm. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Flavored Drinks with Soda Water Use carbonated spring water, which is available cheaply from chains like Asda (Walmart in US), to make up orangeade, lemonade, etc. This enables you to have a wide choice of fizzy drinks without either buying big bottles of pop which go flat quickly, or individual cans/bottles which cost more. By Verity Eileen from Norfolk, UK Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A guy with a speech impediment goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks... "ess-tues me ser?" "Yes sir" replied the clerk. "Tould you tale me how mutsh youre pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound." "SSit!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks "welp, how mutsh arr youre aahhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound." "SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout youre pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today...they're only four fifty a pound." "Welp...SSit.. just div me a poulnd of dose dhen." "Alrighty then," Says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that... I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if you noticed or not, but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your dick, your nutz arr so damn high!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96." "Ninety-six? What finally got him? "Liquor and women." "Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end." "Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
» Strange Clock


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The Rules of Bureaucracy 

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.





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How to stop Internet Explorer from locking up on Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, March 25

Thank you, Maggie!
Thank you Jim!

Today in 
0421 City of Venice founded 
1306 Robert the Bruce crowned king of Scotland 
1634 Lord Baltimore founded Catholic colony of Maryland 
1669 Mount Etna in Sicily erupts, destroying Nicolosi, killing 20,000
1774 English Parliament passes Boston Port Bill 
1807 British Parliament abolishes slave trade 
1813 1st US flag flown in battle on the Pacific, frigate Essex 
1821 Greece gains independence from Turkey
1896 Modern Olympics begin in Athens Greece
1905 Rebel battle flags captured during war are returned to South 
1955 East Germany granted full sovereignty by occupying power, USSR 
1961 Elvis Presley performs live on the USS Arizona
2012  smiled.

Today was new year;s Day in England from 1155 to 1752

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child. --- Randall Jarrell Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Anonymous If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. --- Mae West "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." ---Wendell Johnson
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Re yesterday's joke, that ended with... "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." Bill wrote to tell us that he heard that hell has lots of banks.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Suspect pulls down girlfriend's shirt, bra and accuses deputy Charles Michael Trichell and his girlfriend Shantele Arlene Gunter were arrested by Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office deputies Sunday when they returned to a West Monroe nightclub after being told to leave and not to come back. While in the back of the patrol car on the way to Ouachita Correctional Center, Trichell reportedly got out of the handcuffs and pulled down his girlfriend’s shirt and bra. OPSO reported that at OCC Trichell accused the deputy of pulling down her clothes and would lose his job. When deputies tried to handcuff him again, Trichell resisted, causing a struggle. Trichell continued to threaten and curse the deputy. The arrest report stated suspected marijuana was found in the seat where Trichell was sitting. A female deputy pulled Gunter’s clothes back up. The arrest affidavit stated OPSO told the couple to leave the Western Club only to be called back because Trichell and Gunter had returned. The first time they left, Trichell was carrying a case of beer. When deputies came back the beer was broken in the street and Trichell was cursing the complainant. Gunter, 29, 903 Dye St., Oak Grove, was charged with criminal trespassing and disturbing the peace. She posted a $400 bond and was released. Trichell, 26, of the same address, was charged with disturbing the peace, criminal trespasing public intimidation, resisting by violence, littering and possession of marijuana. He posted an $8,850 bond and was released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fran Re: IE crashing Dear Webby, My Internet Explorer keeps locking up, sometimes so bad, that I have to reboot. Yes, I am using Blonde Windows, and I do regret not listening to you. Is there a way ti stop Internet Explorer from locking up all the time? Thanks Fran Dear Fran It is not just Internet Explorer. FireFox locks up too, though not nearly as often. To reduce that problem, open a text editor and paste the URL's of sites, that you want to go back to later, with a comment about why you should go back there. Then close that tab. Try to keep the tabs in use to less than twenty, preferably less than ten. Worst are pages, that auto-update every so often, to give you up to the minute news or weather or whatever. If you have been quietly reading or writing, and not really using the net, then most likely your ISP allocated your bandwidth to somebody, who is busy downloading music or porn. You will get your bandwidth and speed back, soon, but not instantly. If a page tells the browser to refresh every minute or every 5 minutes, it tries to do that. Internet Explorer tries so frantically, that it knocks itself out, if a lot of the resources are reserved for tabs or something else. FireFox is a lot more graceful about that, and generally does not knock itself out, if you have less than 20 tabs open. Naturally, if you have a graphics program open at the same time, and the last 50 large high-resolution pictures that you snagged from DropBox or some PPS, still open, then you don't really have enough free memory to safely operate a browser. Any browser. Have FUN! DearWebby
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On the way to the bakery I saw some kids playing "Wedding". The bride's gown was a yellow shower curtain, gathered at the waist with a piece of red garden hose, and the curtain trailing way behind her. Her veil was mosquito netting, topped by a blue cop car bubble as a tiara. The groom was attired in a grey lab coat with a charcoal black piece of truck tire innertube as a wide cummerbund belt. His coat trailed a bit too, but did not quite hide the fact that instead of to a traditional ball and chain, his leg was chained to a tricycle. The mother-in-law carried the traditional rolling pin but the father-in-law had a plastic space ray look water gun instead of the traditional shotgun. The preacher was wearing a white bath robe backwards and a trucker style cap, also backwards. Just as I was walking past them, I heard the preacher sing out: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, forever and ever. If you want to kiss the bride, you better have an attorney present."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put Leftover Ice in House Plants This is a little tip for people who like conserving energy and water. When there is ice left in the glasses after a meal, I always pop them altogether and then put that ice into the house plants rather just throw it down the drain. It is a shame to have used the electricity to make the cubes and then just throw them all away. Saves a bit of fresh water too! By Maura from New York, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My friend Eric, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a roundhouse swing that connected with a solid thud, Eric slammed him against the wall pinned him there. When he looked up, he saw a number of surprised and concerned customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items. The cops will pick him up as soon as they can get here." I have a hunch those people will count their items VERY carefully in the future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
>From Carol In 1856, Heinrich Heine, the German poet, left everything to his wife on the condition that she remarried "so that there will be at least one man to regret my death."
» Antique Typewriters





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Five Rules To Remember In Life: 

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.






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Some Useful Condescending Phrases 

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.




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CPU Speed 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, March 24
More snow! 
Personally, I'd be ready for a bit of that promised 
Gullible Warming instead of the hostile, icy wind while
I went for my walk in the evening.

Thank you, Maggie!
Thank you Jim!

Today in 
1801 Aleksandr P Romanov becomes emperor of Russia 
1832 Mormon Joseph Smith beaten, tarred & feathered in Ohio
1837 Canada gives blacks the right to vote 
1882 German scientist Robert Koch discovers bacillus cause of TB 
1898 1st US automobile sold
1944 811 British bombers attack Berlin 
1945 Largest one-day airborne drop, 600 transports & 1300 gliders 
1955 British Army patrols withdraw from Belfast after 20 years 
1958 Elvis Presley joins the army
1965 US Ranger 9 strikes Moon
1972 Great Britain imposes direct rule over Northern Ireland 
1982 US sub Jacksonville collides with a Turkish freighter near Virginia 
1986 US & Libya clash in Gulf of Sidra 
1989 Worst US oil spill, Exxon's Valdez spills 11.3 million gallons off Alaska 
1990 Indian troops leave Sri Lanka 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. --- G. H. Hardy I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. --- Edith Sitwell Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... --- Carl Zwanzig
Nine year was asked by his mother what had been taught in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, , is that really what your teacher told you?" the mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man." She replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Jailed After Calling 911 Because Wife Was Sitting Next To Him Wesley Chapel, Florida - Doyle Hardwick, a 57-year-old Florida man was jailed Tuesday after he allegedly called 911 to complain that his wife wouldn't stop sitting next to him. According to police, Doyle Hardwick became increasingly irritated when he wanted to check his Facebook profile in peace, however his wife, Julie Hardwick, refused to leave him alone. Investigators say Doyle first gave his wife a beer, hoping it would make her drowsy enough to fall asleep. Instead, his wife continued to sit next to him so that she could watch him browse the Internet and visit his Facebook profile. Doyle called 911 to complain. Officers arrived at the couple's home and noted in the report that both parties were calm and no emergency existed. Doyle Hardwick was arrested and pleaded no contest to a charge of misusing 911. He was sentenced to 60 days in jail. A warrant was issued for his arrest when he failed to report to jail to serve his sentence. He turned himself in on Tuesday. Doyle Hardwick has previous arrests for carrying a concealed weapon, misuse of 911, trespassing after warning and probation violation. Julie Hardwick was not arrested over the incident but has been previously arrested for theft of utilities.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re: CPU speed Dear Webby, I need to know the basic CPU speed of my computer. Thanks Bill Dear Bill Just download the Belarc Advisor from http://webby.com/tools.html It will do a complete inventory of what is in your machine and make a nice, printable report, a good idea before sending the macine for repair or lending it to anybody. It is also great for insurance purposes. Holding down the Windows key and hitting PAUSE, will give you a page with some basic information too. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger. One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing A Faded Patio Umbrella My community has recycling once a month. It is amazing the things you can find that people are throwing out. For example, our deck table needed an umbrella and someone threw one out. It was faded but otherwise in pretty good shape. I decided to spray paint it using an indoor/outdoor paint that is good for wood, metal, and more. I worked perfectly and I have had no problems with the paint running or fading. By LoracMc from IA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
From Belinda: It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." --------------------- My DearWebby business cards have my mugshot on them. I have epoxied them onto every side of every piece of my laggage, computer and camera for the last twenty years. None of those have ever been taken by anybody else.
» Food Carvings





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Are PHP files dangerous? 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Woke up to 10 cm (4") of snow!
I bet, that changed a few people's plans!

Vision in my right eye has returned to nearly the same as
it was before the injection, with the left one vision is like
through a glass of lemonade. 

Reading printed stuff is currently impossible, but luckily 
just about anythin on the web can be zoomed.

I read about the terrorist in France, who seems to be a 
two bit crook, who has been rejected by the French military, 
the French Foreign Legion, Pakistan and even Afghanistan.
He has once ben arrested and deported by Afghanistan 
back to France. That takes a very special kind of idiot!

What puzzles me is that the French Government has the 
terrorist surrounded with "hundreds of police and soldiers",
and the media is giving the cowardly loser all kinds of 
publicity. Why?

President Sarkozy, who seems to be leaning towards the far
right law and order parties in the current election campaign,
is getting about as much publicity as the terrorist. 

Like probably most of you, I can't see why they are negotiating 
with the terrorist.

Happy Birthday to Dianne, the lady who sends the Bonus links
every day. She is 29 and a bit today.

Today in 
1153 Treaty of Konstanz between Frederik I "Barbarossa" & Pope Eugene III 
1657 France & England form alliance against Spain; England gets Dunkirk 
1775 Patrick Henry proclaims "Give me liberty or give me death" 
1806 Lewis & Clark reach Pacific coast 
1808 Napoleon's brother Joseph takes the throne of Spain 
1836 Coin Press invented by Franklin Beale 
1840 Draper takes 1st successful photo of the Moon
1858 Streetcar patented (Eleazer A Gardner of Philadelphia)
1861 London's 1st tramcars, designed by Mr Train of New York, begins operating 
1889 President Harrison opens Oklahoma for white colonization
1903 Wright brothers obtain airplane patent 
1910 1st race at Los Angeles Motordrome (1st US auto speedway) 
1912 Dixie Cup invented 
1918 Lithuania proclaims independence
1919 Benito Mussolini forms Fascist movement in Milan Italy
1919 Moscow's Politburo/Central Committee forms 
1929 1st telephone installed in White House 
1942 US move native-born of Japanese ancestry into concentration camps
1944 Nicholas Alkemade falls 5,500 meter without a parachute & lives  
1945 Largest operation in Pacific war, 1,500 US Navy ships 
    shell and bomb Okinawa. That must have been noisy! 
1957 US army sells last homing pigeons 
1972 Evil Knievel breaks 93 bones after successfully clearing 35 cars 
1980 Shah of Iran arrives in Egypt 
1987 US offers military protection to Kuwaiti ships in the Persian Gulf 
1994 Wayne Gretzky sets NHL record with 802 goals scored 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. --- John Wilmont, Earl of Rochester Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. --- Nick Diamos
Bob was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week asking for assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," was the astonished reply. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is the snake on fire?'"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Thanks to Dianne for this story: When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our vacations in British Columbia. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide. While we were around our campfire in the evening the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind. It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before. There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other... even though they were warned by their chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold spring night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight. When they reached each other in the center of the lake, they embraced and got a bit carried away. They lost track of time, got hypothermia and drowned. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man. I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid".
Thanks to Lillemor for her orchid: Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Lori Anne Sedlacek Becicka, 47 in Oxford, Iowa Teen Calls 911, Reports Mom As Drunk Driver MARCH 16--An Iowa woman was arrested for drunk driving last night after her 15-year-old daughter--who was a passenger in her mother’s car--called 911 to contemporaneously report that her parent was “impaired” behind the wheel. As a result, cops busted Lori Anne Sedlacek Becicka, a 47-year-old Oxford resident, for operating a vehicle under the influence, child endangerment, and resisting arrest, all misdemeanors. According to District Court criminal complaints, Becicka’s daughter, “who was in the car with her,” called 911 to “report defendant was impaired and driving.” A Johnson County Sheriff’s Office deputy subsequently contacted Becicka after she pulled her vehicle into a parking lot. Becicka, the cop reported, “smelled heavily of ingested alcohol. Her speech was slurred. Her eyes were bloodshot and watery.” The wobbly Becicka copped to drinking and failed a series of field sobriety tests. Additionally, a Breathalyzer test recorded her blood alcohol level at .235, nearly three times the state limit. Becicka’s daughter told Deputy Matt Hendricks that her mother “was even consuming while driving with her in the car.” The investigator reported discovering “open containers in the car.” Becicka was booked into the county jail following her 8:10 PM arrest.
Tech Support Pits: From: Clyde Re: PHP files Dear Webby I always start the day by viewing your Humor Letter. Nothing like starting the day right. I had to restore my old XP computer last year and had the files transferred to a new Windows 7 machine. In the restoration, I lost all the programs on the XP machine. I find I have some odd extensions on some files like .php and .mhp that will no longer open. When I go online, there are programs that I can download that supposedly will open or convert these files. I am afraid to downloading anything like that. Can you recommend any specific ones or ones to avoid? Clyde Dear Clyde PHP is a programming language. A PHP file CAN be OK, but it also CAN be extremely destructive. The only way to tell is to learm PHP, and look at those files in editing mode. You CAN safely look at them with a plain text or HTML editor, but unless you understand PHP, you won't be able to tell if the file is safe to run, or even keep on your machine. Unless one of those files is something, that you desperately need, I would recommend to dump them. Since you have managed fine without them, unless you want to risk losing the current machine like you lost the XP, I would recommend to dump them. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change some- thing on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Rep told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens or the crystal... The bride said, "No, no, keep all that. I just want to change the name of the groom."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Fitted Bassinet Sheet to Keep Car Seat Cool Here's an a-ha use for a white fitted bassinet sheet your child has outgrown: cover her dark car seat with it, while the car is parked, to keep it cool! A bassinet sheet fits nicely over a bigger kid's seat. I've googled for this and didn't find anything, which surprises me. By Gapotter from Raleigh, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A high school senior saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information. The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a pause. Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Matt for this story: How can you talk your way out of this one? Jacksonville, FL Police Dept. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. Some time later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
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Bastards! 

The bastards have started again...
I had two Leaf Tickets lying on the dash of my truck,
some asshole broke in and left two more;
lock your car doors!




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Internet or Total protection 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 22

They injected Avastin into both eyes, and instead of covering
them up, which would have necessitated guiding me  down to
the parking lot, they simply put four more drops of dilater into
each eye, before they toldme to leave. 
I DID manage to get to the parking lot, but after that I had to
pull my cap over my eyes to shield them from the sunny 
daylight.. 

Barb drove me home, unlocked the door for me,and even 
undid the ties on my sneakers for me.

I can see about as well as before the procedure with my
right eye, but with the left one have major problems.
Hopefully that will straighten out soon!

Today in 
1421 Battle of Beauge-French beat British
1788 Fire destroyed 856 buildings in New Orleans LA
1804 French civil Code of Napoleon adopted
1824 Fire at Cairo ammunitions dump kills 4,000 horses
1843 Preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts
   the world will end today.
1851 Yosemite Valley discovered in California
1857 Earthquake hits Tokyo; about 107,000 die
1866 Congress authorizes national soldiers' homes
1907 US invades Honduras
1913 Flood in Ohio, kills 400
1918 During WWI Germany launches Somme offensive
1934 Fire destroys Hakodate Japan, killing about 1,500
1937 Ponce massacre, police kill 19 at Puerto Rican Nationalist parade
1939 Nazi-Germany demands Danzig back from Poland
1943 Assassination attempt on Hitler fails
1943 British 8th army opens assault on Mareth line, Tunisia
1945 During WWII Allied bombers begin 4-day raid over Germany
1951 2,900,000 US soldiers in Korea
1960 Sharpeville Massacre: Police kill 72 in South Africa & outlaws ANC
1968 Israeli forces cross Jordan River to attack PLO bases
1975 Ethiopia ends monarchy after 3000 years
1984 Part of Central Park is named Strawberry Fields honoring John Lennon
1984 Soviet sub crashes into USS aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk off Japan
1997 Wrestlemania XIII
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially all those cute guys in their skintight pants, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal "Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams... "Quick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal, "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."
Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brittany Glanville, 25 , not so drunk in this facebook picture Drunk and disorderly at 7-11 Bridgeton, N.J. (The Weekly Vice) - Brittany Glanville, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman was arrested Friday after she allegedly attacked a 7-Eleven employee because the store didn't have cooked sausages available. According to Bridgeton Police, officers were dispatched to an area 7-Eleven store after someone at the store set off an alarm. When officers arrived on the scene, Glanville was in the process of throwing something at the cashier. The cashier ducked and avoided getting nailed in the head. When officers entered the store, Glanville was attempting to climb over the counter to get at the cashier. Officers arrested Glanville and placed her into the back seat of a patrol car, however, she retaliated by attempting to kick out the vehicle's windows. The cashier told police Glanville became enraged when she discovered that there were no hot sausages ready on the store's hot dog cooker. Police believe Glandville was intoxicated because of her slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and odor of alcohol on her breath. She was charged with disorderly conduct and released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Total Protection Dear Webby, Does a person need both the internet protection and total protection from McAfee? Cute picture in your newsletter today. I think giving the islands away is not right and could bring us trouble later. Thank you for all the computer hints but I love your whole letter. Keep on the road to recovery Thank you, Shirley Dear Shirley I use the Total protection. It includes the other one, and is good for three machines. The three machines do not need to be networked. That means you can sell two shares to relatives or friends on different continents. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
After church on Sunday morning, suddenly announced to mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell and get paid for it, than to sit still and yawn and having to fork over my change for it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Photos When Traveling My daughter's hobby is photography. On a recent vacation out west, she used the following tip to keep track of her photos. As we entered a new state, she would do one of the following: take a picture of the "Welcome to" state sign, take a picture of the road map for that state, or use sign language to indicate the initial of the state and take a picture of her hand. For example, she would make a signed "M" when we entered Montana and take a picture of that. Then she would know what state the next photos belonged in for her album. By skeesics56 from NW Ohio Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Classic, how Kissinger operated: Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Ann for this: At my wedding I was amazed how well my mother controlled herself, until my grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,"but I was just trying to get him to stop snoring."
» Amazing Photos:





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Not getting newsletters on Gmail 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, March 21

Today in 
1421 Battle of Beauge-French beat British
1788 Fire destroyed 856 buildings in New Orleans LA
1804 French civil Code of Napoleon adopted
1824 Fire at Cairo ammunitions dump kills 4,000 horses
1843 Preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts
   the world will end today.
1851 Yosemite Valley discovered in California
1857 Earthquake hits Tokyo; about 107,000 die
1866 Congress authorizes national soldiers' homes
1907 US invades Honduras
1913 Flood in Ohio, kills 400
1918 During WWI Germany launches Somme offensive
1934 Fire destroys Hakodate Japan, killing about 1,500
1937 Ponce massacre, police kill 19 at Puerto Rican Nationalist parade
1939 Nazi-Germany demands Danzig back from Poland
1943 Assassination attempt on Hitler fails
1943 British 8th army opens assault on Mareth line, Tunisia
1945 During WWII Allied bombers begin 4-day raid over Germany
1951 2,900,000 US soldiers in Korea
1960 Sharpeville Massacre: Police kill 72 in South Africa & outlaws ANC
1968 Israeli forces cross Jordan River to attack PLO bases
1975 Ethiopia ends monarchy after 3000 years
1984 Part of Central Park is named Strawberry Fields honoring John Lennon
1984 Soviet sub crashes into USS aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk off Japan
1997 Wrestlemania XIII
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially all those cute guys in their skintight pants, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal "Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams... "Quick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal, "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."
Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brittany Glanville, 25 , not so drunk in this facebook picture Drunk and disorderly at 7-11 Bridgeton, N.J. (The Weekly Vice) - Brittany Glanville, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman was arrested Friday after she allegedly attacked a 7-Eleven employee because the store didn't have cooked sausages available. According to Bridgeton Police, officers were dispatched to an area 7-Eleven store after someone at the store set off an alarm. When officers arrived on the scene, Glanville was in the process of throwing something at the cashier. The cashier ducked and avoided getting nailed in the head. When officers entered the store, Glanville was attempting to climb over the counter to get at the cashier. Officers arrested Glanville and placed her into the back seat of a patrol car, however, she retaliated by attempting to kick out the vehicle's windows. The cashier told police Glanville became enraged when she discovered that there were no hot sausages ready on the store's hot dog cooker. Police believe Glandville was intoxicated because of her slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and odor of alcohol on her breath. She was charged with disorderly conduct and released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Total Protection Dear Webby, Does a person need both the internet protection and total protection from McAfee? Cute picture in your newsletter today. I think giving the islands away is not right and could bring us trouble later. Thank you for all the computer hints but I love your whole letter. Keep on the road to recovery Thank you, Shirley Dear Shirley I use the Total protection. It includes the other one, and is good for three machines. The three machines do not need to be networked. That means you can sell two shares to relatives or friends on different continents. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
After church on Sunday morning, suddenly announced to mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell and get paid for it, than to sit still and yawn and having to fork over my change for it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Photos When Traveling My daughter's hobby is photography. On a recent vacation out west, she used the following tip to keep track of her photos. As we entered a new state, she would do one of the following: take a picture of the "Welcome to" state sign, take a picture of the road map for that state, or use sign language to indicate the initial of the state and take a picture of her hand. For example, she would make a signed "M" when we entered Montana and take a picture of that. Then she would know what state the next photos belonged in for her album. By skeesics56 from NW Ohio Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Classic, how Kissinger operated: Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Ann for this: At my wedding I was amazed how well my mother controlled herself, until my grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,"but I was just trying to get him to stop snoring."
» Amazing Photos:





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Grandparent's Answering Machine 
At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

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How to restore the sroll bars in WORD 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, March 19

Obama's frantic war against energy self-sufficiency is taking
a really ugly turn. Now Obama’s State Department is giving away 
SEVEN strategic, resource-laden Alaskan islands to the Russians.
"Just oil, Republican fishermen, and birds there."

The seven endangered islands in the Arctic Ocean and Bering Sea 
include one the size of Rhode Island and Delaware combined. 
The Russians are also to get the tens of thousands of square miles 
of oil-rich seabeds surrounding the islands. 
The Department of Interior estimates hundreds of billions of 
barrels of oil are at stake.

The agreement was negotiated in total secrecy. 
The state of Alaska was not allowed to participate in the negotiations, 
nor was the public given any opportunity for comment. This is despite 
the fact the Alaska Legislature has passed resolutions of opposition – 
but the State Department doesn’t seem to care.

The imperiled Arctic Ocean islands include Wrangel, Bennett, 
Jeannette and Henrietta. 
Wrangel became American in 1881 with the landing of the U.S. 
Revenue Marine ship Thomas Corwin. The landing party included 
the famed naturalist John Muir. It is 3,000 square miles in size.

Due to inaction by the state department, Wrangel was declared
nature rpeserve by Russia and has a Russina park warden and 
about a dozen scientists living there in summer.
Hhere is a nice PDF about Wrangel Island.

Northwest of Wrangel are the DeLong Islands, named for 
George Washington DeLong, the captain of USS Jeannette. 
Also in 1881, he discovered and claimed these three islands 
for the United States. He named them for the voyage co-sponsor, 
New York City newspaper publisher James Gordon Bennett. 
The ship’s crew received a hero’s welcome back in Washington, 
and Congress awarded them gold medals.

In the Bering Sea at the far west end of the Aleutian chain are 
Copper Island, Sea Lion Rock and Sea Otter Rock. They were 
ceded to the U.S. in Seward’s 1867 treaty with Russia.

Aside from all the fishing companies and associated businesses
and all their employees, anybody with an IQ higher than a boiled
turnip can imagine the extreme strategic value of those islands.
Sure, we are at peace right now, but that is no reason to give
away those islands!

An old maritime agreement negotiated by the U.S. State Department 
set the Russian boundary on the other side of the disputed islands, 
but no treaty has ratified this action. Consequently, it is within the 
president’s power to stop this giveaway.

More about the giveaway are at Aware American

Today in 
0721 -BC- 1st recorded lunar eclipse; Location, Babylon
1571 Spanish troops occupy Manila
1628 Massachusetts colony founded by Englishmen 
1644 200 members of Peking imperial family/court commit suicide 
1702 James II's daughter Anne Stuart becomes queen of England
1748 English Naturalization Act passes granting Jews right to colonize US
1831 1st US bank robbery (City Bank, New York/$245,000) 
1883 Jan Matzeliger invents 1st machine to manufacture entire shoes
1885 Louis Riel returns to Canada, proclaims provisional government, Saskatchewan 
1915 Pluto photographed for 1st time (although unknown at the time) 
1918 Congress authorizes time zones & approves daylight saving time 
1920 US Senate rejects Treaty of Versailles for 2nd time
1927 Bloody battles between communists & Nazis in Berlin 
1931 Nevada legalizes gambling 
1940 Failed British air raid on German base at Sylt 
1942 FDR orders men between 45 & 64 to register for non military duty
1943 Airship Canadian Star torpedoed & sinks 
1945 800 killed as Kamikaze attacked USS Franklin off Japan 
1945 Adolf Hitler issues Nero Decree: destruction of German facilities 
1965 Indonesia nationalizes all foreign oil companies 
1968 Howard University students seize administration building
1969 British invade Anguilla
1987 PTL leader Jim Bakker resigns after sex scandal with Jessica Hahn 
1997 Supreme Court hears Internet indecency arguments 
2012  smiled.

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The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it. --- Benjamin Disraeli "I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him." --- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)
When my neighbor's 3-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased. She turned turned her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Her mother smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember ...."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Bob and his wife have structured conversations: firstly, she gives him her opinion. Then she gives him his opinion.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alan L.O'Neil Jailed After Jumping Off Bridge To Avoid DUI Arrest New Orleans, Louisiana - Thomas Robert Harter, a 44-year-old Louisiana man was jailed Sunday after he jumped off of a 20-foot bridge to avoid a DUI charge. Officers then had to rescue him from the chilly waters below. According to police, an officer pulled Harter over near the Causeway Bridge outside of New Orleans after the officer noticed that he was speeding and driving erratically. When Harter exited the vehicle and put his hands in the air, the officer smelled alcohol on his breath. When the officer asked Harter for his driver's license, Harter handed him a pile of loose papers and CD's from inside the vehicle. The officer had just initiated a field sobriety test on Harter when he suddenly ran to the edge of the bridge then jumped off. He landed in Lake Pontchartrain, which was approximately 20 feet below. Rescuers called the scene found him clinging to a utility structure at the base of the bridge. Temperatures were about 60 degrees that day with wind gusts of up to 20 miles per hour. Harter was thrown a life preserver and pulled to safety. Detectives soon learned why Harter attempted to flee. This was his eighth DUI arrest since 1992. Harter was booked into jail and charged with driving while intoxicated, resisting arrest, and careless driving. He is currently being held in lieu of $15,000 bond. Due to the frequency of his DWIs, he is now facing a third-offense (habitual violators) charge. If convicted, he could face a two-year license suspension and possible confiscation of his vehicle.
Tech Support Pits: From: John Re: How do Iget the scroll bar back in WORD? Dear Webby, In Microshaft Word (97 version), I have lost my scroll/slider bar on the right side of the window that allows me to go up and down in the document. Thankful for wheel mice or I wouldn't be able to do any reasonable editing. Any ideas on how to get it back? John=== Dear John To display or hide scroll bars On the Tools menu, click Options, and then click the View tab. Under Show, select or clear the Horizontal scroll bar and Vertical scroll bar check boxes. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are only 1/100th of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "That would be about four slices of roast beef in the deli where I worked."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spice Up Your Coffee With Cinnamon Stick Give yourself a no-calorie treat by adding a drop of quality real vanilla to your coffee. A sprinkle of cinnamon powder or pumpkin pie spice can also be added for those wanting a spicier fare. Also, instead of buying chocolate coffee creamer, you can use plain chocolate syrup that you may already have in your fridge to your coffee along with a bit of cream. Another favorite of mine is to add a tablespoon of Tang to my coffee. This reminds me of the coffee served with orange zest I was once served at a fancy coffee bar back in the early 70's (before there was Starbucks). For an extra-special treat, turn your coffee into a dessert, by adding a squirt of whipped cream. A great way to use canned whipped cream left over from potlucks and family get-togethers. By Cyinda Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A friend, a long time divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. "The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained. Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Armand for this: After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
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How to make the sign for MICRO 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, March 18

Today in 
1167 Battle of El-Babein, Egypt: Franks under Amalrik vs Syrians 
1190 Crusaders kill 57 Jews in Bury St Edmonds England
1229 German emperor Frederick II crowns himself king of Jerusalem 
1532 English parliament bans payments by English church to Rome 
1673 Lord Berkley sells his half of New Jersey to the Quakers 
1773 Oliver Goldsmith' "She Stoops to Conquer" premieres in London 
1793 2nd Battle at Neerwinden: Austria army beats France 
1818 Congress approves 1st pensions for government service 
1834 1st railroad tunnel in US completed, in Pennsylvania (275 meter long) 
1890 1st US state naval militia organized (Massachusetts)
1891 Britain is linked to the continent by Telephone 
1895 200 blacks leave Savannah GA for Liberia 
1902 Enrico Caruso becomes 1st well-known performer to make a record 
1911 North Dakota enacts a hail insurance law 
1914 White Wolf gang beats government army in Jingdezhen China 
1915 Failed British attack in Dardanelles
1915 French battleship Bouvet explodes, 640 killed 
1915 Turkey's Canakkale (Trojan) Sea Victory against allied 
  powers(USA, Australia, England, Italy) during First World War
1921 2nd Peace of Riga, Poland enlarged. Germany shrunk
1921 Steamer "Hong Kong" runs aground off Swatow China killing 1,000 
1931 1st electric shavers go on sale in US (Schick) 
1937 Gas explosion in school in New London TX; 296 die 
1940 Mussolini joins Hitler in Germany's war against France & Britain 
1943 Red Army evacuates Belgorod
1944 2,500 women trample guards & floorwalkers to purchase 
  1,500 alarm clocks announced for sale in a Chicago IL department store
1944 Nazi Germany occupies Hungary 
1945 1,250 US bombers attack Berlin
1952 Communist offensive in Korea 
1959 President Dwight D Eisenhower signs Hawaii statehood bill 
1961 Poppin' Fresh Pillsbury Dough Boy introduced 
1962 Algerian War ends after 7½ years of fighting (250,000 die), 
         Ben Bella flees 
1963 France performs underground nuclear test at Ecker Algeria 
1966 Scott Paper begins selling paper dresses for $1
1968 Congress repeals requirement for a gold reserve 
1970 Mail service paralyzed by 1st major postal strike 
1974 Most Arab oil producing nations end embargo against US
1975 Kurds end fight against Iraqi army
1977 US restricts citizens from visiting Cuba, Vietnam, N Korea & Cambodia
1977 Vietnam hands over MIA to US 
1978 250,000 attend rock concert Jam II in Ontario CA
1979 Battles between Kurds & Iranians break in Sananday Iran 
1990 1st free elections in East Germany, Conservatives beat Communists 
1992 Leona Helmsley sentence to 4 years for tax evasion
1994 Zsa Zsa Gabor files for bankruptcy 
2012  smiled.

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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. --- Kati "Genius without education is like silver in the mine." --- Benjamin Franklin
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough" The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alan L.O'Neil Facebook 'friend' offer exposes man's other wife SEATTLE (AP) — A corrections officer is facing bigamy charges after authorities said a Washington woman using Facebook discovered that she and a potential "friend" were married to him at the same time. According to charging documents filed Thursday, Alan L. O'Neill married a woman in 2001, moved out in 2009, changed his name and remarried without divorcing her. The first wife first noticed O'Neill had moved on to another woman when Facebook suggested the friendship connection to wife No. 2 under the "People You May Know" feature. Wifwe #1 had been arrested once for beating up the woman, whom she saw cutting a wedding cake with her escaped hubby. Wife No. 1 then called the defendant's mother. "An hour later the defendant arrived at (Wife No. 1's) apartment, and she asked him several times if they were divorced," court records show. "The defendant said, 'No, we are still married.'" Neither O'Neill nor his first wife had filed for divorce, according to charging documents. The name change came in December, and later that month he married his second wife. O'Neill allegedly told wife No. 1 not to tell anybody about his dual marriages, that he would fix it, the documents state. But wife No. 1, probably still annoyed about her arrest, alerted authorities. O'Neill, 41, was previously known as Alan Fulk. He has worked as a Pierce County corrections officer for five years, sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer said. He was placed on administrative leave after prosecutors charged him Thursday. He could face up to a year in jail if convicted. O'Neill and his first wife had issues that went back to 2009. In 2010, his first wife was arrested after an altercation with the woman who later became the second wife, and who she recognized instantly whe she saw her picture on Facebook. O'Neill is free, but due in court later this month, which is standard procedure for non-violent crimes, Lindquist said. "About the only danger he would pose is marrying a third woman," he said. Basically, all he really did was trying to cheat a divorce attorney out of the income from a proper divorce.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fergie Re: How do I type the symbol for Micro? Dear Webby How do I type the symbol for Micro, the U with a long leg on the left side? Fergie Dear Fergie µ is easy on a regular keyboard. Hold down the ALT key. and thype 0181 on the numeric keyppad. If you are on a laptop, copy the µ from here onto a "cheat-sheet", a plain text file, that you can bring up with a short-cut icon. You can copy all kinds of characters and formulas and conversion factors onto your cheat sheet and have them handy, when you need them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, it seems they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle Leroy fell in a whiskey vat at the place where he worked. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoid Cleaning Chemicals With Microfiber I just purchased microfiber towels and a microfiber mop and I love them. You use the towels to clean almost anything without chemicals. Use them slightly wet to clean countertops, your stove, the bathroom sink, etc. I have never been able to get the shower glass to look clean. This works great, I just follow the wet towel with a dry one. Same with windows. NO chemicals. The mop came with a dust mop and a wet mop. You wet mop, with no chemicals and it drys fast! I love them and no wasting paper towels to clean with, and when you are through just throw in the washing machine. Source: QVC.com. By Greyroma from Oklahoma City I have used MicroFiber cloths since the early 90's. You can most definitely use soaps with them! Spraying a mist of citrus cleaner onto the floor and then mopping it with a damp Micro Fiber cloth or mop produces a perfect shine. You can wash them in the washing machine, but afterwards hang them on the line to dry. Don't ever dry them in a dryer, when there are Bounty or similar anti-static liquids or sheets involved. After that, they are just ordinary rags. I also use small Microfiber towels to wipe down drops off me after a shower, and then use the regular towel just to invigorate the near dry skin. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC." When asked what "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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How to fix Gmail hotkeys 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 17

Happy St Patrick's Day

Today in 
0432 St Patrick, a bishop, is carried off to Ireland as a slave 
0455 Roman senator Petronius Maximus becomes Emperor
1521 Ferdinand Magellan discovers the Philippines
1521 Magelhaes lands on Homohon 
1753 1st official St Patrick's Day 
1755 Transylvania Land Co buys Kentucky for $50,000 from a Cherokee chief
1756 St Patrick's Day 1st celebrated in NYC at Crown & Thistle Taver
1762 1st St Patrick's Day parade in NYC
1776 British forces evacuate Boston to Nova Scotia during Revolutionary War
1800 English warship Queen Charlotte catches fire; 700 die
1804 Johann von Schiller's "Wilhelm Tell" premieres 
1836 Texas abolishes slavery
1861 Italy declares independence; Kingdom of Italy proclaimed 
1894 US & China sign treaty preventing Chinese laborers from entering US
1898 1st practical submarine 1st submerges, New York NY
1919 Dutch steel workers strike for 8 hour day & minimum wages 
1919 Dutch steel workers strike for 8 hour day & minimum wages 
1921 Sailors revolt in Kronstadt (thousands die) 
1924 Netherlands & USSR begin talks over USSR recognition
1924 Sweden & USSR exchange diplomats 
1926 Spain & Brazil prevent Germany joining League of Nations
1927 US government doesn't sign league of Nations disarmament treaty
1929 General Motors acquires German auto manufacturer Adam Opel 
1931 Stalin throws Lenin out of Central Committee
1932 German police raid Hitler's Nazi-headquarter 
1950 Element 98 (Californium) announced 
1955 Maurice "Rocket" Richard suspended, sparks 7 hour riot in Montréal 
1957 Dutch ban on Sunday driving lifted 
1959 Dalai Lama flees Tibet for India 
1960 Eisenhower forms anti-Castro-exile army under the CIA 
1963 Eruptions of Mount Agung Bali, kills 1,500 Balinese 
1966 US sub locates missing H-bomb in Mediterranean 
1987 IBM releases PC-DOS version 3.3
2012  smiled.

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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy."John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." ------------------- Yeah, I remember Mr Robertson, and his shiny shoes. The ONLY shiny shoes in the company, until the mysterious, never drying mud puddle appeared around his designated parking spot. If he is still there, I wonder who is watering the mud puddle every night nowadays.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much t he clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "amen."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." Once upon a time, that would have gotten him off with a warning.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Holly Lopez, 32 Teacher - Charged With Having Sex With Two Students This seems to be the season of gossiping boys! Austin, TX (The Weekly Vice) - Holly Lopez, a 32-year-old special education teacher at Lexington Middle School was jailed Thursday after she allegedly had sex with a 13-year-old student and his 14-year-old friend. According to police, an investigation was launched after one of the boys contacted police stating that he was beginning to feel weird about a sexual encounter that involved his teacher. Apparently her sex was worse than her math. Investigators say the student had been going to see Lopez on a regular basis for help with math. On February 11, the student and a friend was at his father's house when Lopez began texting back and forth with both boys. After texting for a short time, the teacher told the boys that she was headed over to the student's house. Lopez allegedly arrived at the boy's home with several condoms. The teacher and both boys then went into a bedroom and engaged in sex. During a police interview, the victim was able to identify several intimate tattoos on Lopez' body. Lopez was booked into jail and charged with improper relationship between educator and student and aggravated sexual assault. Her bond has been set at 100,000. This has been going on for millienna, but teachers used to be smart enough to select boys, who could keep a secret.
Tech Support Pits: From: Colleen Re: Gmail hotkeys not working Dear Webby I am, or I should say, I WAS using hotkeys to weed out my Gmail, but lately the key I assigned for "Move to trash" is not working any more. Even restoring it to the original "#" did not help. How can that be fixed? Colleen Dear Colleen It is a bug in Gmail. However, if you tell Gmail to revert to the old style, and then from there revert to the new style, the chosen hot key for deleting selected mails mysteriously works again. Nobody knows why. You CAN use your choice of key for that, no need to use the awkward "#". Personally, I use the "!" to select all on a page, after going to the "Oldest", and then the "`", to the left of the exclamation mark, for deleting the selected 100 mails. By doing that whenever I am on hold on the phone, I keep my Gmail nice and trim and fast. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Collect Newspaper Comics for a Gift This is a good idea for a winter holiday or birthday gift. Comics taken from the newspapers and cut out each day. Paste onto printing paper and put in a 3 ring binder from the dollar store. It makes an inexpensive book of comics for a person's favorite comic strip. Or better yet, find an online archive of their favorite comic, and save the comics in order. Garfield.com has a vault that archives every comic ever published. Screen grabs of those put on a CD or printed out (there's a print option) would make a good gift, too. By hyena cub from Omaha, NE Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad... " "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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Does a screensaver slow down a download? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Today in 
1079 Iran adopts solar Hijrah calendar 
1190 Jews of York England commit mass sucide 
     rather than submit to baptism
1521 Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reaches Philippines 
1829 Ohio authorizes high school night classes 
1861 Arizona Territory votes to leave the Union 
1871 1st fertilizer law enacted 
1882 US Senate ratifies treaty establishing the Red Cross 
1910 Barney Oldfield sets land speed record of 131.7 mph at Daytona 
1916 US & Canada sign Migratory bird treaty
1940 German air raid on British fleet base Scapa Flow 
1945 US defeats Japan at Iwo Jima
1955 President Eisenhower upheld the use of atomic weapons in case of war 
1968 My Lai massacre occurs (Vietnam War); 450 die 
1972 John & Yoko are served with deportation papers 
1978 Amoco Cadiz tanker spills 68.7 million gallons of oil off French coast 
1978 US Senate accepts Panamá Canal treaty 
2012  smiled.

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Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ---Bertolt Brecht There are two types of people-- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' --- Frederick L Collins
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. " ‘Don't Despair’ paid 80-to-1."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

One afternoon Janiced out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck. "So what's the problem?" "I took the plants in for the winter."
One of subscriber Brenda's Tennessee Walking Horses Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Sandra Paschal, 57 Jailed After Hacking Through Door With Machete, Attacking Husband Duluth, MN (The Weekly Vice) - Sandra Paschal, a 57-year-old Minnesota woman was jailed after she allegedly hacked through a door with a machete, then went after her husband with the weapon. According to police, Paschal and her husband had been arguing most of the day Sunday when the argument turned violent. Investigators say Paschal became so angry that she left the room, retrieved a machete and returned to confront her husband with it. When she found that her husband had locked the door, she allegedly used the machete to hack her way through it. She then entered the room and struck her husband twice with the weapon. When officers arrived, Paschal stated that her husband repeatedly struck her with a baseball bat. Officers discounted her claim due to a lack of physical injuries on Paschal. "She changed her story several times," said Gwinnett Police spokesperson, Jake Smith. Officers described Paschal as "borderline incoherent" while attempting to interview her. The husband told police that Paschal had struck him in the head with a telephone earlier that day before things flared up again. Paschal was booked into the Gwinnett County Jail and charged with felony aggravated assault. Her bond has been set at $11,200.
Tech Support Pits: From: Corey Re: Does a screensaver slow down a download? Dear Webby Does a screensaver slow down a long download ? Corey Dear Corey If you use one of the standard screensavers that come with Windows, then they won't slow down a download. If you use third party screensaver, you will have to test them and see. Most don't affect downloads, but some, especially slide show type screensavers, do access the hard drive and could slow doan your downloads. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other on the shoulder, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Pet Hair with Washcloth Removing pet hair from any cloth surface is easy if you use a damp washcloth. Wipe cushions or clothing in one direction only and the hair will lift off. You can also try a damp sponge mop to remove pet hair from your carpets. Again wipe in one direction only and the hair will just pile up and can be easily picked up by hand. Source: Dog Fancy Magazine By Teri from Tionesta, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The United Brethren church in Parsons, Kansas was having a play, and one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the fateful day of the play. When her turn came, she stood up in front of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window and brayed."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny's father was a rector in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited. His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up." Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up...!"
» Funky Stuff





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Pinhead Of The Day 

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

(You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder."
(That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time." Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!



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Guide to Winnipeg 

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets.

The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.

All directions start with, 'Go down Portage.'

Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.

The 8:00 a.m. Rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.


If you actually stop at a yellow light, there's no chance you're from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissys.

Lagimodiere Blvd. can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

(And let's not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)

Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.

Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Especially those dopey-looking city workers holding up signs in traffic that say in big orange letters 'SLOW'. ( I always want to yell, 'You don't really need to advertise, buddy!'.)

Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, 'Oh, we're in Transcona!'

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Where Mama Geese and their babies have ABSOLUTE Right of Way on ALL streets every Spring.

If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City: e.g.: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk. You've gone two miles down the same road and the name changes seven times.

Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, 'Keep honking, I'm reloading.' Is considered a fair warning.

Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Hwy. are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won't get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your bluespruce.

Down South to you means Grand Forks.

Your 1 July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees 'a little chilly.' But it is still t-shirt weather.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Manitoba friends.



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Spaces in descriptive file names 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 15

Today in 
0076 Hadrian Roman Emperor (builder of Hadrian's Wall) 
1493 Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after 1st new world voyage 
1778 Nootka Sound, Vancouver Island discovered by Captain Cook 
1812 1st Russian settlement in California, Russian River 
1820 Maine admitted as 23rd state 
1867 Michigan becomes 1st state to tax property
1887 Michigan appoints 1st salaried game & fish warden in US
1892 1st escalator patented by inventor Jesse W Reno
1892 New York State unveils automatic ballot booth (voting machine)
1907 Finland is 1st European country to give women the right to vote 
1916 General Pershing, 15,000 troops chasing Villa into 
    Mexico, stays 10-months 
1917 Nicholas II, last Russian tsar, says he will abdicate 
1930 1st streamlined submarine of US navy, USS Nautilus, launched
1933 NAACP begins coordinated attack on segregation & discrimination 
1939 Hitler occupies Bohemia & Moravia (Czechoslovakia); 
1943 Red Army evacuates Kharkov 
1944 Italian town of Cassino destroyed by Allied bombing 
1946 British premier Attlee agrees with India's right to independence
1950 NYC hires Dr Wallace E Howell as its official "rainmaker"
1951 Persia (Iran) nationalizes (steals) Anglo-Iranian Oil Company 
1955 US Air Force unveils self-guided missile 
1957 3rd nation to explode a nuclear bomb (Britain) 
1961 South Africa withdrews from British Commonwealth 
1971 Chatrooms make their debut on the Internet 
1978 People's Rebublic of China performs nuclear test
1988 NASA reports accelerated breakdown of ozone layer 
   by CFK. Later proved to be a con job.
1999 Pluto again becomes outermost planet
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
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I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. --- Robert McCloskey
One day, Gramma sent her grandson, Little Johnny, down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran all the way back to Gramma's house and into the kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. A frightened Little Johnny stammered, "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma. There's a BIG old alligator down there!" Gramma said, "Now, don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him." "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two good Catholic boys passed an Episcopalian minister. At the sight of the reversed collar, one of them automatically said, "Hello, Father." The other boy elbowed him in the ribs. "He's no Father you dummy, said the second youth, "He's married and got three kids!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Stephanie Clinkenbeard, 33 Stephanie Clinkenbeard Had A Meth Lab In Her Pants Tahlequah, OK: Stephanie Clinkenbeard, a 33-year-old Oklahoma woman was jailed after deputies discovered a meth lab in her pants. According to the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office, deputies were looking for Clinkenbeard after she was reported to be the driver of a vehicle that was reported stolen. Deputies discovered the stolen car and made contact with Clinkenbeard who was walking down a nearby road. When confronted by the deputy, Clinkenbeard stretched out her arms to be handcuffed - stating that she knew she had kept her boss's car too long. Clinkenbeard then allegedly told the deputy that she had drug paraphernalia in her purse and a bottle stashed in her pants. Moments later she admitted to the deputy that the bottle in her pants was a "shake-and-bake" meth lab. After removing the "one bottle" meth lab from her pants, she proceeded to remove other drug related items from her clothing. The items included a baggie containing a white powdery substance, several syringes, coffee filters and a glass pipe. She was booked into jail and charged with manufacturing a controlled dangerous substance, possession of a controlled dangerous substance and intent to manufacture.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amanda Re: Descriptive picture names Dear Webby I was told to use decriptive names for pictures instead of just numbers, but now they don't show up any more. They show OK on my computer, but not on the web. Amanda Dear Amanda When the web was invented, it was decided that names have NO spaces in them. Then the Mac people gave in to Arab influence and allowed spaces in file names. A few years later Microsoft got paranoid about the Mac having something that Microsoft didn't have, and without thinking about it, followed suit. Well, the people in charge of the web thought and still think that spaces within names are stooopid and just a silly nuisance on the web. They really are, and they slow down browsing, because when the message comes back that there is no such file (with just the first portion), then some browsers add "%20", a space filler, and send another request out. If you have half a dozen words in your "descriptive file name", that wastes a lot of time. Just fill the gaps with underscores or the minus sign, and the files will show properly on all browsers. Have FUN! DearWebby
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At the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?" Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn't do that. My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us." "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "NO, no. I just can't." "Pleeeeease?..." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell the idiot to take his hand off the intercom button!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL I remember when business card scanners came out in the 80s, with simple database programs to sort and store them. They are stil available, a huge choice from $30 to $300. However, the cheapest scanner will do for business cards. After scanning them at low resolution and saving the picture, it can be pasted into any spreadsheet with CTRL V Yep, it is that simple! You can leave it at original size or squish it. Then you can type the name of the business into the first column, with the pictrue in the second one, and comments in the third one. With a spreadsheet CTRL F is for Finding stuff. You can limit the search to only the search to only the first column by putting the cursor above it, or let it search the entire sheet. If you want, you can even put detailed "pages" behind the first sheet, and drill down to them with a click. For example, if you have warranty issues with a company, you might want to record all kinds of extra info. One double-click from the top layer with the pretty business cards will drill down to the detail page. If you have never used spreadsheets before, you'll feel like a kid in a toy store the first few times you play with them. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
» Weird & Funny Hot Wheels





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What's the best way to store important CDs ? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, March 14

Today in 
1629 England granted a royal charter to Massachusetts Bay Colony  
1794 Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin 
1888 2nd largest snowfall in New York NY history (21") 
1900 Hugo de Vries rediscovers Mendel's laws of genetics
1900 US currency goes on gold standard 
1916 Battle of Verdun: German attack on Mort-Homme ridge
1918 1st concrete ship to cross the Atlantic (Faith) is launched
1923 Allies accept Vilnus taking East-Galicië in Poland
1923 German Supreme Court prohibits NSDAP  
1939 Nazi Germany dissolves Republic of Czechoslovakia 
1940 27 killed, 15 injured when truck full of migrant workers collides 
   with a train outside McAllen TX 
1941 Xavier Cugat & his Orchestraestra record "Babalu"
1945 RAF bomb cuts railway link Hannover-Hamburg
1951 During Korean War, US/UN forces recapture Seoul
1953 Nikita Khrushchev succeeds Malenkov as Secretary of Communist Party 
1958 South Africa government disallows ANC 
1971 South Vietnamese troops flee Laos 
1971 The Rolling Stones leave England for France to escape taxes 
1990 Mikhail S Gorbachev becomes president of the Soviet Congress 
1991 Emir of Kuwait returns to Kuwait City after the US kicked the Iraqis out
1992 Soviet newspaper "Pravda" suspends publication 
1997 68 year old Gordie Howe signs AHL contract with Syracuse Crunch
1997 Iranian military plane crashes, killing 80 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The reason Politicians try so hard to get reelected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. --- Socratex I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. --- Socratex "Nothing deters a good man from doing what is honourable." --- Seneca There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them. --- Emile Chartier
DOG LETTERS TO GOD Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, pee-mail, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "They probably think that I married you for your money."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Rachel Farrell, 25 Teacher Charged With Having Sex With Multiple Students Bangor, PA Rachel Farrell aka Rachel Werner, a 25-year-old English teacher at a Bangor area high school has been jailed after she allegedly had sex with at least one 17-year-old student. Police believe, however, that she had sex with several other students as well. According to Northampton County Prosecutors, Farrell allegedly had an ongoing sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student after she seduced him on Facebook. Investigators say Farrell had sex with the student multiple times at various locations including a Wal-Mart parking lot and a motel. The "victim" told detectives Farrell was his 11th grade reading teacher and that she would regularly book a room at the Tannersville Ramada Inn so she could have sex with him. Farrell reportedly began her affair with the student just two months after she was married. Farrell allegedly admitted to having sex with the student and several other 17-year-old students. Three of the students Farrell is accused of having sex with have not been cooperative with police, according to Northampton District Attorney, John Morgenelli. Farrell was booked into jail and charged with three misdemeanor counts of corruption of a minor. Morgenelli stated that a misdemeanor charge was appropriate in this case because the students involved were 16 years old and willing and enthusiastic participants to the affair. Becasue of the seduction via FaceBook, though, she will face jail time. She can't talk herself out of that.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rex Re: CD Storage Dear Webby What's the best way to store important CDs ? I mean stuff that is not easily replaceable like music CDs are. Rex Dear Rex I recommend those aluminum briefcase style tool boxes that you see with telephone repair people and mobile computer fixers. They are about 46 x 35 x 15 cm (18" x 14" x 6" for the Imperial Loyalists) and quite sturdy. If there is a fire or any reason for evacuating quickly, you can just grab that aluminum case and run, or even toss it out a window to free your arms for computers. You can fit hundreds of CDs even with Jewel Cases into them. The trick is to put the CDs INTO the case, not piling them on top. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Frank called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she didn't know how to cook either."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Replacement Boxes For Playing Cards My kids are always tearing the boxes that playing cards come in. I cut a Little Debbie oatmeal box down to where it is a little taller than the cards and put the cards in it. I used the bottom of the box and cut the top part off. I plan on decorating it later. The box will stand up or lay down. By Sandrafadeley from Portland, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. "My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted." Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re- sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her during that time."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."
» Nature's Fury





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Lock icon sizes in W7 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, March 13

Today in 
0607 12th recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet  
1519 Cortez lands in México 
1560 Spanish fleet occupies Djerba, at Tripoli (Libya)
1639 Cambridge College renamed Harvard for clergyman John Harvard 
1677 Massachusetts gains title to Maine for $6,000 
1852 Uncle Sam cartoon figure made its debut in the 
       New York Lantern weekly
1861 Jefferson Davis signs bill authorizing use of slaves as soldiers 
1868 Senate begins President Andrew Johnson impeachment trial
1869 Arkansas legislature passes anti-Klan law 
1884 US adopts Standard Time 
1913 Kansas legislature approves censorship of motion pictures 
1921 Mongolia (formerly Outer Mongolia) declares 
          independence from China 
1925 Tennessee makes it unlawful to teach evolution 
1933 Banks reopen 
1943 Failed assassin attempt on Hitler during 
      Smolensk-Rastenburg flight 
1950 General Motors reports net earnings of $656,434,232 (record) 
1957 Bloody battles after anti-Batista demonstration in Havana Cuba
1961 Pablo Picasso (79) marries his model Jacqueline Rocque (37) 
1963 2 Russian reconnaissance flights over Alaska
1969 Apollo 9 returns to Earth 
1970 Digital Equipment Corp introduces PDP-11 minicomputer 
1979 European Monetary System is established, ECU created 
1986 Soyuz T-15 carries 2 cosmonauts to Soviet space station Mir 
1991 Exxon pays $1-billion dollars in fines & cleanup of Valdez oil spill
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. --- Socratex It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. --- Mark Twain Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. --- Socratex Empty pockets never held anyone back. It is only empty heads and empty hearts that do it. --- Norman Vincent Peale
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" A hole in my pants where my wallet used to be.
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie... .. So I rented him a tuxedo in your name."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Marcia Usher, 32 in Hudson, Florida Jailed After Calling 911 To Ask For A Place To Urinate Hudson, Florida - Marcia Usher, a 32-year-old Hudson woman was jailed Wednesday after she called 911 to ask for assistance in finding a place to urinate. According to the Pasco County Sheriff's Office, Usher called 911 and reported that she was lost in the woods somewhere and was looking for a place to urinate. Officers traced the call and found her drinking a beer on her front porch, not in the woods as she had claimed. Investigators say officers asked Usher if they could search an open cooler that was near her. She allowed them, and stated that there was a knife inside. Officers instead found a handgun sitting on top of the beer. When officers attempted to apprehend her she resisted, but was tackled to the ground and eventually handcuffed. Sounds like much fun was had by all. When Usher arrived at the jail, a vial containing methamphetamine residue was found on her person during a strip search. Usher was booked into the Land O' Lakes Detention Center and charged with carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, possession of methamphetamine, introduction/possession of contraband in a detention facility, and resisting arrest without violence. She is currently being held in lieu of a $15,150 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Jack Re: Icon Size problem on W7 Webby, I've been a faithful recipient of Humor Letter for years and enjoyed and learned from you, I even asked some questions. I now need your help because for all my research I cannot find out the answer to this. Maybe it is a bug in win7. The icons come up in the view mode to medium icons. I want small icons. I change the setting every time I boot up. but it always goes back to medium I can't find a setting to keep (lock) them in small view. Any HELP? jack Dear Jack There are a number of W7 bugs involved. Theoretically, clicking on a blank space on the desktop, then holding down CTRL and turning the scroll wheel, SHOULD zoom the icons. If you have no W7 Updates, that works fine. However, if you have been hit with a bunch of conflicting updates, that becomes erratic. Don't try it while you have a bunch of programs open! At one time, Windows saved your settings correctly, including that wacky zoom. The zoom still works fine in most programs like FireFox, but is jerky and unpredictable with the desktop. Right-clicking the desktop and clicking on View and Small Icons is also screwy. If you have set the icons to for example 24 pixels, THEIR smallest will increase the size to 36. That method may occasionally work, but usually doesn't. It is probably meant for the Incredimail and Farmville crowd, who like huge icons. The third officially sanctioned method is via the Registry: You can hardwire the icon size in the Registry with [HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\Desktop\WindowMetrics] "Shell Icon Size"="24" Back up the registry before editing it! And then there is the top secret and undocumented sneaky method: Right-click on the desktop. Personalize And in there, hidden at the bottom, you see "Window Color", looking ever so boring and innocent. Hidden inside that is the good ol "Appearance" module from Windows 95. It is probably not authorized, but was hidden in there by a programmer, who got frustrated with the official way to muck around. Don't be surprised if a future update eliminates the "Appearance" module. However, for now it still works just like it has ever since Windows 95, it's just hidden a bit deeper down. Once you have customized Windows7 desktop to be as functional as the one in XP, use SMD (Save My Desktop) from my Tool Box to save it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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>From Lilly: Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?" "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Magazine Pictures For Crafts I love to make my own cards and gift bags and I love magazines (I get a ton). When I want to make card for a certain holiday, lets say Halloween, I just pull out my latest magazine, they always arrive a month ahead of time, and look for cute pictures of pumpkins, black cats and other Halloween related pictures. If I can't find what I want, I pull out an older issue of the same month. To make it even easier, go through each magazine as you get it and cut out any cute or interesting pictures. Save them in a file until you need them. You can use them for scrapbooking, crafting, collages and more. If your kid likes a certain cartoon character, you could look for pics of it in your magazines and make a nice collage for them to hang on their wall. Other people might like a neat collage of their favorite things: dogs, cats, airplanes, etc. Almost any nice picture you find in your favorite magazine can be framed and given as a gift or even keep it yourself. By Jennifer from Conyers, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied.
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Just one monitor turned on it's side 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, March 12

Monday already!
Where did the weekend go?

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
1365 University of Vienna founded 
1496 Jews are expelled from Syria
1755 1st steam engine in America installed, to pump water from a mine
1789 US Post Office established
1799 Austria declares war on France 
1848 2nd republic established in France
1850 1st US $20 gold piece issued 
1888 2nd day of the Great blizzard of '88 in northeast US (400 die) 
1904 1st main line electric train in UK (Liverpool to Southport) 
1912 Captain Albert Berry performs 1st parachute jump from an airplane
1916 French airship sinks British submarine D3 
1925 British government of Baldwin refuses to ratify Geneva agreement
1926 Denmark begins unilateral disarmament 
1930 Mohandas Gandhi begins 200 mile (321 km) march 
      protesting British salt tax 
1934 Josip Broz (Tito) freed from jail
1935 England establishes 30 MPH speed limit for towns & villages
1938 Nazi Germany invades Austria (Anschluss) 
1940 Finland stops alliance with Germany and surrenders to Russia
    during WWII, giving up Karelische Isthmus 
1945 Italy's Communist Party (CPI) calls for armed uprising in Italy 
1945 USSR returns Transylvania to Romania 
1947 President Truman introduces Truman-doctrine to fight communism
1951 Communist troops driven out of Seoul 
1957 East Germany accepts 22 Russian divisions
1964 Jimmy Hoffa sentenced to 8 years 
1964 Malcolm X resigns from Nation of Islam 
1986 Susan Butcher wins 1,158 mile Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race 
2012  smiled.


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A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. --- Granville Hicks Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. --- Ronald Reagan
Latreesha went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "Then I just use their last name!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the crew. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale per day gets fired."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to William Webb, 27 in Waco, TX On the loose after Feeding Baby Vodka, Then Attempting To Burn Down Victim's Home Waco, Texas - William Charles Webb, a 27-year-old Waco man was jailed after he allegedly fed a large amount of Vodka to an 8-month-old baby - then tried to burn down the victim's home the day he was released from jail. According to Waco police, Webb was reportedly arrested after a baby he was caring for was found to be intoxicated. The child was taken to a local hospital and placed in intensive care after his mother came home from work and suspected something was wrong with her baby. Doctors determined that the infant's blood-alcohol level was 4 times the legal driving limit. A bottle of Vodka was found on a table inside the residence. Webb also made threatening remarks to the child's mother, who had obtained a restraining order against him. Investigators say Webb was incarcerated at the McLennan County Jail and was charged with injury to a child and making a terroristic threat. He was released Saturday after posting $14,000 bond. The same day Webb was released from jail, he reportedly poured gasoline on the victim's home and attempted to set it on fire. However, wet conditions prevented him from igniting the gasoline. He was apprehended again after officers found him hiding at his mother's house. Webb was booked into jail and charged with arson, two counts of criminal mischief, violation of a protective order, retaliation, and threats. He was held for 24 hours. Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, not really. But I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
Tech Support Pits: From: Re: One wide monitor turned upright A few subscrbers asked about turning just one monitor upright, the sawed off laptop monitor, sitting beside a standard 4:3 monitor. Yes, you definitely can do that. You probably use a standard keyboard anyway, not the awkward laptop keyboard, so it is no problem at all setting the laptop on it's side. After that, select to rotate the display for THAT monitor only. It will appear just like the tall programmer's monitors and be really great for word processing. You can slide docs and spreadsheets over to the tilted laptop, and even though the width is limited, the bottom won't be cut off! Sliding a window only part way across will work just fine too, especially if the monitor frame is black. Your eyes will just ignore it then. If it isn't black, paint it! Have FUN! DearWebby
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One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?" My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flavoring Water Without Adding Calories I can't consume artificial sweetener of any kind without getting really sick, so I freeze chunks of fresh fruit and put in the freezer to use as a flavoring and cooling agent. Pineapple, lemons, limes, apples, pears, watermelon, and honeydew are all good choices. I also like the Lipton tea bags with herb and orange. A few dips of a tea bag in a glass of water with ice will get me 3 glasses of slightly flavored beverage that changes up just plain water. By T and T Grandma from Benson, MN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
You may not know that many non living things have a gender. For example: 1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component. 5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom. 9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady went inside between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
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Icons spread over two monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, March 11

For most of you the clocks will need to be adjusted for 
summer time tonight. Move it one hour ahead.
The Government says it's later than you think.

Personally, I would be quite happy with summer time all
year long. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
0537 Goths lay siege to Rome 
1665 New York approves new code guaranteeing Protestants religious rights
1669 Volcano Etna in Italy erupts killing 15,000 
1810 Emperor Napoleon married by proxy to Archduchess Marie Louise 
1888 Great blizzard of '88 strikes northeast US
1917 British troops occupy Baghdad
1918 Moscow becomes capital of revolutionary Russia 
1919 General strike in Germany, crushed 
1935 Bank of Canada opens
1935 Hermann Goering officially creates German Air Force, 
        the Luftwaffe 
1938 German troops enter Austria 
1943 Nazi Militia forms in Netherlands 
1945 1,000 allied bombers bomb Essen, 4,662 tons of bombs.
     The Germans were already sick and tired of Hitler, this
     made them hate the Allies and not give up just yet. 
1948 Jewish Agency of Jerusalem bombed 
1953 An American B-47 accidentally drops a nuclear bomb on 
           South Carolina, the bomb doesn't go off 
1970 Iraq Ba'th Party recognizes Kurd nation 
1975 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Semipalitinsk USSR 
1977 34 Israelis killed by Palestinians on the Tel Aviv-Haifa highway
1977 Moslems hold 130 hostages in Washington DC
1978 Terrorists attack mail truck at Tel Aviv, 45 killed 
1982 Menachem Begin & Anwar Sadat sign peace treaty in Washington DC 
1987 Wayne Gretzky scores 1,500th NHL point 
1990 Lithuania declares it's Independence 
1991 Janet Jackson signs $40M three album deal with Virgin records 
1997 Beatle Paul McCartney knighted Sir Paul by Queen Elizabeth II 
2012  smiled.


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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. --- Joan Rivers I have nothing against jogging, as long as it is done by bouncy cuties. Let's go find some! --- Hagar
A man from Edinburgh wrote to an English editor, "If you don't stop printing those derogatory Scottish jokes, most of which imply we're cheap, I'm going to quit stealing your stupid magazine."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
Click through for the large version. Kluane, Yukon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to John Jardini, 26 in Pittsburgh, PA Idiot Jailed After Asking Girl On Date After He Robbed Her Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (The Weekly Vice) - John Jardini, a 26-year-old Pittsburgh resident was jailed after he allegedly robbed a girl, than called her and asked her out on a date. According to Pittsburgh police, Jardini reportedly stole $60 from the victim as she was waiting for her mother at a bus stop. He then somehow got her number and began calling her after the robbery and asking her on dates. Investigators say officers were beginning to track Jardini down when he reportedly robbed the same victim again, and this time her mother too. Judging by the looks on his booking photo, they seem to have defended themselves. He was apprehended and was positively identified as the suspect who had attacked the victim earlier. Jardini was booked into the Allegheny County Jail on charges of robbery.
Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Icons on two monitors Dear Webby, you mentioned using two monitors at the same time. I have seen programmers and web designers use two monitors at the same time, but have not seen that on home machines. Could I have some of my icons on one monitor and others on the other one? Erin Dear Erin Yes, that is indeed the preferred method. The sawed off "Wide screen" monitors are often 1260 or 1280 pixes wide. They are only 900 pixels high, compared to 1600 wide and 1200 high on classic 4:3 monitors. If you use a spreadsheet or word processor documant 1200 pixels wide, you can shove it over to the wide screen, and the top 2/3 of it will look the same as on the 4:3 monitor, plus leaving an 80 pixel wide space on the side. That extra space is just perfect for a column of icons. That way you can use the unused 400 pixel wide space on side of the classic 4:3 monitor for calendar, reminder, calculator, measurement converter, etc. The system acts and looks like you had a 1280 + 1600 wide monitor with the bottom third on the left one duck-taped off. You might yearn for a second 4:3 monitor, but you'll get used to the odd arrangement. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not here to be gypped out of our hard earned money?" "In Winter we raise porcupines, Ma'am." ---------------------------- The easiest way to remove porcupine quills is to use sharp side cutters to cut them off, and then pull them out with needle-nose pliers. If you don't cut them off, the air inside the quills is compressed, when you try to grab them, and little barbs along the tip get pushed out, making removal very difficult. With side cutters in one hand and needle-nose in the other, it goes pretty quick. Have done that many times.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Toiletries When Staying at Hotels We always save the soap, shampoos, toothpaste, and lotions we get at hotels when we stay in them. They come in handy when we run out of out regular soaps and things, especially when we can't make it to the store right away. Plus, they are perfect for traveling when you don't want to bring your bigger bottles. When company is staying over it is nice to give them their own bar of soap with their towels, too! By morbetomommy from Topeka, KS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Jane Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
When the employees of a restaurant here attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In an open 45 gallon drum that was partially filled with water and carefully topped off with a layer of motor oil, then a layer of diesel, a big, smoky fire was burning quite lively. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and slam-dunked the extinguisher into the fire. ------------- If you have never used a fire extinguisher, keep in mind that they are NOT like a hand grenade. Pulling the pin doesn't really do anything. It just ALLOWS you to squeeze the handle. To actually squirt foam or powder or CO2 snow, you have to squeeze the handle. When you let go of the handle, it stops squirting.
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Sawed off monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 10


Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
0241 -BC- Battle of Aegusa: Roman fleet sinks 50 Carthagean ships 
1681 English Quaker William Penn receives charter from Charles II, 
making him sole proprietor of colonial American territory Pennsylvania 
1862 US issues 1st paper money ($5, $10, $20, $50, $100, $500 & $1000)
1876 1st telephone call made (Alexander Graham Bell to Thomas Watson) 
1880 Salvation Army of England sets up US welfare & religious activity 
1910 China ends slavery 
1914 Suffragettes in London damage Rokeby's Venus of Velasquez 
1927 Bavaria lifts ban on Hitler's speeches
1933 Nevada becomes 1st US state to regulate narcotics 
1945 Tokyo in fire after night time B-29 bombing
1952 Military coup by General Fulgencio Batista in Cuba 
1957 Thousands of soccer fans riot in Italy
1960 USSR agrees to stop nuclear testing 
1966 North Vietnamese capture US Green Beret Camp at Ashau Valley 
1972 USSR performs nuclear test at Semipalitinsk USSR 
1985 India beat Pakistan to win "World Championship of Cricket" 
1988 Avalanche at Swiss Ski resort "Klosters" nearly kills Prince Charles 
2012  smiled.


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"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." --- Edward Abbey (1927-1989) We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can. --- Cullen Hightower
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store." An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Thanks to Barb for this one: The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Here is a loaded gun. Go in and kill that person! The man went inside. Iside he saw his wife sitting in the chair, with a blindfold over her eyes. He looked at her for a minute, then turned and came back outside. There he said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill the person in the chair. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Steven Mulhall Stole name plate from judge, posted on Facebook FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) - Note to thieves. If you steal a nameplate from a judge, don't let anyone post a picture of you holding it on Facebook. Authorities in South Florida say that's exactly what led to the arrest Thursday of 21-year-old Steven Mulhall on violation of probation charges. Broward County Sheriff Al Lamberti told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel Mulhall pried the $40 nameplate from the courtroom door of Broward Circuit Judge Michael Orlando. He says Mulhall has multiple petty theft convictions and now faces felony charges. Arrest reports show the nameplate was stolen around Feb. 23. Authorities received a tip that Mulhall took the nameplate and that the picture could be found on his girlfriend's Facebook page. The Bonehead is in jail and the nameplate will be lrturned to the judge.
Tech Support Pits: From: Alice Re: Sawed off monitor Dear Webby, Some people claimed you were just an old fogie with your ranting against what you called sawed off monitors, and that wide monitors provided more usable screen. Well, I fell for their slick sales talk and wound up with a sawed off piece of crap. Luckily I still have an old-fashioned 4:3 ratio monitor. It is an ancient NEC the size of a small fridge and twice the weight, but I get true 1600 x 1200 on it. The laptop with the sawed off screen can barely manage a 945 pixel tall screen. I got them linked together, so that I can use the old monitor for spreadsheet and word processor work, basically ANY real work, like I have been doing for decades, and the sawed off laptop screen as a scratch-pad on the side. It is pathetic, when I slide a spreadsheet over to the left, the bottom third is, well, sawed off and not showing. I guess you knew all along what you were talking about. Do you know of any tricks to get sawed off screens and laptops to show more height or compress spreadsheets instead of sawing them off? Thanks Alice Dear Alice No, unfortunately there is no way to squish spreadsheets when you slide them across to another monitor. When you zoom them, it does that on both screens. They show whatever resolution they got, not a scale to page size like a printer does. Take good care of your old monitor, and keep an eye out for a spare at yard sales. Have FUN! DearWebby
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde- pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning a Can Opener To clean and disinfect the wheel of a can opener, just use white vinegar and an old tooth brush. Dip the toothbrush in the vinegar and scrub clean. Swish in hot soapy water and rinse. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, LOUD and clearly: "One hour and 45 minutes!"
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