The Rules of Bureaucracy 

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.





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How to stop Internet Explorer from locking up on Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, March 25

Thank you, Maggie!
Thank you Jim!

Today in 
0421 City of Venice founded 
1306 Robert the Bruce crowned king of Scotland 
1634 Lord Baltimore founded Catholic colony of Maryland 
1669 Mount Etna in Sicily erupts, destroying Nicolosi, killing 20,000
1774 English Parliament passes Boston Port Bill 
1807 British Parliament abolishes slave trade 
1813 1st US flag flown in battle on the Pacific, frigate Essex 
1821 Greece gains independence from Turkey
1896 Modern Olympics begin in Athens Greece
1905 Rebel battle flags captured during war are returned to South 
1955 East Germany granted full sovereignty by occupying power, USSR 
1961 Elvis Presley performs live on the USS Arizona
2012  smiled.

Today was new year;s Day in England from 1155 to 1752

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child. --- Randall Jarrell Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. --- Anonymous If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. --- Mae West "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." ---Wendell Johnson
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried-looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Re yesterday's joke, that ended with... "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." Bill wrote to tell us that he heard that hell has lots of banks.
Click through for the large version. Palmira
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Suspect pulls down girlfriend's shirt, bra and accuses deputy Charles Michael Trichell and his girlfriend Shantele Arlene Gunter were arrested by Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office deputies Sunday when they returned to a West Monroe nightclub after being told to leave and not to come back. While in the back of the patrol car on the way to Ouachita Correctional Center, Trichell reportedly got out of the handcuffs and pulled down his girlfriend’s shirt and bra. OPSO reported that at OCC Trichell accused the deputy of pulling down her clothes and would lose his job. When deputies tried to handcuff him again, Trichell resisted, causing a struggle. Trichell continued to threaten and curse the deputy. The arrest report stated suspected marijuana was found in the seat where Trichell was sitting. A female deputy pulled Gunter’s clothes back up. The arrest affidavit stated OPSO told the couple to leave the Western Club only to be called back because Trichell and Gunter had returned. The first time they left, Trichell was carrying a case of beer. When deputies came back the beer was broken in the street and Trichell was cursing the complainant. Gunter, 29, 903 Dye St., Oak Grove, was charged with criminal trespassing and disturbing the peace. She posted a $400 bond and was released. Trichell, 26, of the same address, was charged with disturbing the peace, criminal trespasing public intimidation, resisting by violence, littering and possession of marijuana. He posted an $8,850 bond and was released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fran Re: IE crashing Dear Webby, My Internet Explorer keeps locking up, sometimes so bad, that I have to reboot. Yes, I am using Blonde Windows, and I do regret not listening to you. Is there a way ti stop Internet Explorer from locking up all the time? Thanks Fran Dear Fran It is not just Internet Explorer. FireFox locks up too, though not nearly as often. To reduce that problem, open a text editor and paste the URL's of sites, that you want to go back to later, with a comment about why you should go back there. Then close that tab. Try to keep the tabs in use to less than twenty, preferably less than ten. Worst are pages, that auto-update every so often, to give you up to the minute news or weather or whatever. If you have been quietly reading or writing, and not really using the net, then most likely your ISP allocated your bandwidth to somebody, who is busy downloading music or porn. You will get your bandwidth and speed back, soon, but not instantly. If a page tells the browser to refresh every minute or every 5 minutes, it tries to do that. Internet Explorer tries so frantically, that it knocks itself out, if a lot of the resources are reserved for tabs or something else. FireFox is a lot more graceful about that, and generally does not knock itself out, if you have less than 20 tabs open. Naturally, if you have a graphics program open at the same time, and the last 50 large high-resolution pictures that you snagged from DropBox or some PPS, still open, then you don't really have enough free memory to safely operate a browser. Any browser. Have FUN! DearWebby
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On the way to the bakery I saw some kids playing "Wedding". The bride's gown was a yellow shower curtain, gathered at the waist with a piece of red garden hose, and the curtain trailing way behind her. Her veil was mosquito netting, topped by a blue cop car bubble as a tiara. The groom was attired in a grey lab coat with a charcoal black piece of truck tire innertube as a wide cummerbund belt. His coat trailed a bit too, but did not quite hide the fact that instead of to a traditional ball and chain, his leg was chained to a tricycle. The mother-in-law carried the traditional rolling pin but the father-in-law had a plastic space ray look water gun instead of the traditional shotgun. The preacher was wearing a white bath robe backwards and a trucker style cap, also backwards. Just as I was walking past them, I heard the preacher sing out: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, forever and ever. If you want to kiss the bride, you better have an attorney present."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put Leftover Ice in House Plants This is a little tip for people who like conserving energy and water. When there is ice left in the glasses after a meal, I always pop them altogether and then put that ice into the house plants rather just throw it down the drain. It is a shame to have used the electricity to make the cubes and then just throw them all away. Saves a bit of fresh water too! By Maura from New York, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My friend Eric, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away. After a roundhouse swing that connected with a solid thud, Eric slammed him against the wall pinned him there. When he looked up, he saw a number of surprised and concerned customers staring at him. "Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items. The cops will pick him up as soon as they can get here." I have a hunch those people will count their items VERY carefully in the future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
>From Carol In 1856, Heinrich Heine, the German poet, left everything to his wife on the condition that she remarried "so that there will be at least one man to regret my death."
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Five Rules To Remember In Life: 

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.






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Some Useful Condescending Phrases 

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.




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CPU Speed 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, March 24
More snow! 
Personally, I'd be ready for a bit of that promised 
Gullible Warming instead of the hostile, icy wind while
I went for my walk in the evening.

Thank you, Maggie!
Thank you Jim!

Today in 
1801 Aleksandr P Romanov becomes emperor of Russia 
1832 Mormon Joseph Smith beaten, tarred & feathered in Ohio
1837 Canada gives blacks the right to vote 
1882 German scientist Robert Koch discovers bacillus cause of TB 
1898 1st US automobile sold
1944 811 British bombers attack Berlin 
1945 Largest one-day airborne drop, 600 transports & 1300 gliders 
1955 British Army patrols withdraw from Belfast after 20 years 
1958 Elvis Presley joins the army
1965 US Ranger 9 strikes Moon
1972 Great Britain imposes direct rule over Northern Ireland 
1982 US sub Jacksonville collides with a Turkish freighter near Virginia 
1986 US & Libya clash in Gulf of Sidra 
1989 Worst US oil spill, Exxon's Valdez spills 11.3 million gallons off Alaska 
1990 Indian troops leave Sri Lanka 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. --- G. H. Hardy I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. --- Edith Sitwell Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... --- Carl Zwanzig
Nine year was asked by his mother what had been taught in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, , is that really what your teacher told you?" the mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man." She replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Click through for the large version. House of the gods, Venezuela
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Jailed After Calling 911 Because Wife Was Sitting Next To Him Wesley Chapel, Florida - Doyle Hardwick, a 57-year-old Florida man was jailed Tuesday after he allegedly called 911 to complain that his wife wouldn't stop sitting next to him. According to police, Doyle Hardwick became increasingly irritated when he wanted to check his Facebook profile in peace, however his wife, Julie Hardwick, refused to leave him alone. Investigators say Doyle first gave his wife a beer, hoping it would make her drowsy enough to fall asleep. Instead, his wife continued to sit next to him so that she could watch him browse the Internet and visit his Facebook profile. Doyle called 911 to complain. Officers arrived at the couple's home and noted in the report that both parties were calm and no emergency existed. Doyle Hardwick was arrested and pleaded no contest to a charge of misusing 911. He was sentenced to 60 days in jail. A warrant was issued for his arrest when he failed to report to jail to serve his sentence. He turned himself in on Tuesday. Doyle Hardwick has previous arrests for carrying a concealed weapon, misuse of 911, trespassing after warning and probation violation. Julie Hardwick was not arrested over the incident but has been previously arrested for theft of utilities.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bill Re: CPU speed Dear Webby, I need to know the basic CPU speed of my computer. Thanks Bill Dear Bill Just download the Belarc Advisor from http://webby.com/tools.html It will do a complete inventory of what is in your machine and make a nice, printable report, a good idea before sending the macine for repair or lending it to anybody. It is also great for insurance purposes. Holding down the Windows key and hitting PAUSE, will give you a page with some basic information too. Have FUN! DearWebby
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There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger. One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refurbishing A Faded Patio Umbrella My community has recycling once a month. It is amazing the things you can find that people are throwing out. For example, our deck table needed an umbrella and someone threw one out. It was faded but otherwise in pretty good shape. I decided to spray paint it using an indoor/outdoor paint that is good for wood, metal, and more. I worked perfectly and I have had no problems with the paint running or fading. By LoracMc from IA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
From Belinda: It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." --------------------- My DearWebby business cards have my mugshot on them. I have epoxied them onto every side of every piece of my laggage, computer and camera for the last twenty years. None of those have ever been taken by anybody else.
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Are PHP files dangerous? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Woke up to 10 cm (4") of snow!
I bet, that changed a few people's plans!

Vision in my right eye has returned to nearly the same as
it was before the injection, with the left one vision is like
through a glass of lemonade. 

Reading printed stuff is currently impossible, but luckily 
just about anythin on the web can be zoomed.

I read about the terrorist in France, who seems to be a 
two bit crook, who has been rejected by the French military, 
the French Foreign Legion, Pakistan and even Afghanistan.
He has once ben arrested and deported by Afghanistan 
back to France. That takes a very special kind of idiot!

What puzzles me is that the French Government has the 
terrorist surrounded with "hundreds of police and soldiers",
and the media is giving the cowardly loser all kinds of 
publicity. Why?

President Sarkozy, who seems to be leaning towards the far
right law and order parties in the current election campaign,
is getting about as much publicity as the terrorist. 

Like probably most of you, I can't see why they are negotiating 
with the terrorist.

Happy Birthday to Dianne, the lady who sends the Bonus links
every day. She is 29 and a bit today.

Today in 
1153 Treaty of Konstanz between Frederik I "Barbarossa" & Pope Eugene III 
1657 France & England form alliance against Spain; England gets Dunkirk 
1775 Patrick Henry proclaims "Give me liberty or give me death" 
1806 Lewis & Clark reach Pacific coast 
1808 Napoleon's brother Joseph takes the throne of Spain 
1836 Coin Press invented by Franklin Beale 
1840 Draper takes 1st successful photo of the Moon
1858 Streetcar patented (Eleazer A Gardner of Philadelphia)
1861 London's 1st tramcars, designed by Mr Train of New York, begins operating 
1889 President Harrison opens Oklahoma for white colonization
1903 Wright brothers obtain airplane patent 
1910 1st race at Los Angeles Motordrome (1st US auto speedway) 
1912 Dixie Cup invented 
1918 Lithuania proclaims independence
1919 Benito Mussolini forms Fascist movement in Milan Italy
1919 Moscow's Politburo/Central Committee forms 
1929 1st telephone installed in White House 
1942 US move native-born of Japanese ancestry into concentration camps
1944 Nicholas Alkemade falls 5,500 meter without a parachute & lives  
1945 Largest operation in Pacific war, 1,500 US Navy ships 
    shell and bomb Okinawa. That must have been noisy! 
1957 US army sells last homing pigeons 
1972 Evil Knievel breaks 93 bones after successfully clearing 35 cars 
1980 Shah of Iran arrives in Egypt 
1987 US offers military protection to Kuwaiti ships in the Persian Gulf 
1994 Wayne Gretzky sets NHL record with 802 goals scored 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. --- John Wilmont, Earl of Rochester Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. --- Nick Diamos
Bob was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As he headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week asking for assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," was the astonished reply. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is the snake on fire?'"
Dogfood Secrets from the Dogfood Conspiracy

Thanks to Dianne for this story: When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our vacations in British Columbia. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide. While we were around our campfire in the evening the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind. It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before. There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other... even though they were warned by their chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold spring night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight. When they reached each other in the center of the lake, they embraced and got a bit carried away. They lost track of time, got hypothermia and drowned. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man. I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid".
Thanks to Lillemor for her orchid: Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Lori Anne Sedlacek Becicka, 47 in Oxford, Iowa Teen Calls 911, Reports Mom As Drunk Driver MARCH 16--An Iowa woman was arrested for drunk driving last night after her 15-year-old daughter--who was a passenger in her mother’s car--called 911 to contemporaneously report that her parent was “impaired” behind the wheel. As a result, cops busted Lori Anne Sedlacek Becicka, a 47-year-old Oxford resident, for operating a vehicle under the influence, child endangerment, and resisting arrest, all misdemeanors. According to District Court criminal complaints, Becicka’s daughter, “who was in the car with her,” called 911 to “report defendant was impaired and driving.” A Johnson County Sheriff’s Office deputy subsequently contacted Becicka after she pulled her vehicle into a parking lot. Becicka, the cop reported, “smelled heavily of ingested alcohol. Her speech was slurred. Her eyes were bloodshot and watery.” The wobbly Becicka copped to drinking and failed a series of field sobriety tests. Additionally, a Breathalyzer test recorded her blood alcohol level at .235, nearly three times the state limit. Becicka’s daughter told Deputy Matt Hendricks that her mother “was even consuming while driving with her in the car.” The investigator reported discovering “open containers in the car.” Becicka was booked into the county jail following her 8:10 PM arrest.
Tech Support Pits: From: Clyde Re: PHP files Dear Webby I always start the day by viewing your Humor Letter. Nothing like starting the day right. I had to restore my old XP computer last year and had the files transferred to a new Windows 7 machine. In the restoration, I lost all the programs on the XP machine. I find I have some odd extensions on some files like .php and .mhp that will no longer open. When I go online, there are programs that I can download that supposedly will open or convert these files. I am afraid to downloading anything like that. Can you recommend any specific ones or ones to avoid? Clyde Dear Clyde PHP is a programming language. A PHP file CAN be OK, but it also CAN be extremely destructive. The only way to tell is to learm PHP, and look at those files in editing mode. You CAN safely look at them with a plain text or HTML editor, but unless you understand PHP, you won't be able to tell if the file is safe to run, or even keep on your machine. Unless one of those files is something, that you desperately need, I would recommend to dump them. Since you have managed fine without them, unless you want to risk losing the current machine like you lost the XP, I would recommend to dump them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry. It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change some- thing on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels, etc.). The Customer Service Rep told her that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the linens or the crystal... The bride said, "No, no, keep all that. I just want to change the name of the groom."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Fitted Bassinet Sheet to Keep Car Seat Cool Here's an a-ha use for a white fitted bassinet sheet your child has outgrown: cover her dark car seat with it, while the car is parked, to keep it cool! A bassinet sheet fits nicely over a bigger kid's seat. I've googled for this and didn't find anything, which surprises me. By Gapotter from Raleigh, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A high school senior saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information. The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a pause. Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Matt for this story: How can you talk your way out of this one? Jacksonville, FL Police Dept. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. Some time later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
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Bastards! 

The bastards have started again...
I had two Leaf Tickets lying on the dash of my truck,
some asshole broke in and left two more;
lock your car doors!




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Internet or Total protection 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 22

They injected Avastin into both eyes, and instead of covering
them up, which would have necessitated guiding me  down to
the parking lot, they simply put four more drops of dilater into
each eye, before they toldme to leave. 
I DID manage to get to the parking lot, but after that I had to
pull my cap over my eyes to shield them from the sunny 
daylight.. 

Barb drove me home, unlocked the door for me,and even 
undid the ties on my sneakers for me.

I can see about as well as before the procedure with my
right eye, but with the left one have major problems.
Hopefully that will straighten out soon!

Today in 
1421 Battle of Beauge-French beat British
1788 Fire destroyed 856 buildings in New Orleans LA
1804 French civil Code of Napoleon adopted
1824 Fire at Cairo ammunitions dump kills 4,000 horses
1843 Preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts
   the world will end today.
1851 Yosemite Valley discovered in California
1857 Earthquake hits Tokyo; about 107,000 die
1866 Congress authorizes national soldiers' homes
1907 US invades Honduras
1913 Flood in Ohio, kills 400
1918 During WWI Germany launches Somme offensive
1934 Fire destroys Hakodate Japan, killing about 1,500
1937 Ponce massacre, police kill 19 at Puerto Rican Nationalist parade
1939 Nazi-Germany demands Danzig back from Poland
1943 Assassination attempt on Hitler fails
1943 British 8th army opens assault on Mareth line, Tunisia
1945 During WWII Allied bombers begin 4-day raid over Germany
1951 2,900,000 US soldiers in Korea
1960 Sharpeville Massacre: Police kill 72 in South Africa & outlaws ANC
1968 Israeli forces cross Jordan River to attack PLO bases
1975 Ethiopia ends monarchy after 3000 years
1984 Part of Central Park is named Strawberry Fields honoring John Lennon
1984 Soviet sub crashes into USS aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk off Japan
1997 Wrestlemania XIII
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially all those cute guys in their skintight pants, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal "Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams... "Quick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal, "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."
Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brittany Glanville, 25 , not so drunk in this facebook picture Drunk and disorderly at 7-11 Bridgeton, N.J. (The Weekly Vice) - Brittany Glanville, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman was arrested Friday after she allegedly attacked a 7-Eleven employee because the store didn't have cooked sausages available. According to Bridgeton Police, officers were dispatched to an area 7-Eleven store after someone at the store set off an alarm. When officers arrived on the scene, Glanville was in the process of throwing something at the cashier. The cashier ducked and avoided getting nailed in the head. When officers entered the store, Glanville was attempting to climb over the counter to get at the cashier. Officers arrested Glanville and placed her into the back seat of a patrol car, however, she retaliated by attempting to kick out the vehicle's windows. The cashier told police Glanville became enraged when she discovered that there were no hot sausages ready on the store's hot dog cooker. Police believe Glandville was intoxicated because of her slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and odor of alcohol on her breath. She was charged with disorderly conduct and released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Total Protection Dear Webby, Does a person need both the internet protection and total protection from McAfee? Cute picture in your newsletter today. I think giving the islands away is not right and could bring us trouble later. Thank you for all the computer hints but I love your whole letter. Keep on the road to recovery Thank you, Shirley Dear Shirley I use the Total protection. It includes the other one, and is good for three machines. The three machines do not need to be networked. That means you can sell two shares to relatives or friends on different continents. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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After church on Sunday morning, suddenly announced to mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell and get paid for it, than to sit still and yawn and having to fork over my change for it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Photos When Traveling My daughter's hobby is photography. On a recent vacation out west, she used the following tip to keep track of her photos. As we entered a new state, she would do one of the following: take a picture of the "Welcome to" state sign, take a picture of the road map for that state, or use sign language to indicate the initial of the state and take a picture of her hand. For example, she would make a signed "M" when we entered Montana and take a picture of that. Then she would know what state the next photos belonged in for her album. By skeesics56 from NW Ohio Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Classic, how Kissinger operated: Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Ann for this: At my wedding I was amazed how well my mother controlled herself, until my grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,"but I was just trying to get him to stop snoring."
» Amazing Photos:





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Not getting newsletters on Gmail 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, March 21

Today in 
1421 Battle of Beauge-French beat British
1788 Fire destroyed 856 buildings in New Orleans LA
1804 French civil Code of Napoleon adopted
1824 Fire at Cairo ammunitions dump kills 4,000 horses
1843 Preacher William Miller of Massachusetts predicts
   the world will end today.
1851 Yosemite Valley discovered in California
1857 Earthquake hits Tokyo; about 107,000 die
1866 Congress authorizes national soldiers' homes
1907 US invades Honduras
1913 Flood in Ohio, kills 400
1918 During WWI Germany launches Somme offensive
1934 Fire destroys Hakodate Japan, killing about 1,500
1937 Ponce massacre, police kill 19 at Puerto Rican Nationalist parade
1939 Nazi-Germany demands Danzig back from Poland
1943 Assassination attempt on Hitler fails
1943 British 8th army opens assault on Mareth line, Tunisia
1945 During WWII Allied bombers begin 4-day raid over Germany
1951 2,900,000 US soldiers in Korea
1960 Sharpeville Massacre: Police kill 72 in South Africa & outlaws ANC
1968 Israeli forces cross Jordan River to attack PLO bases
1975 Ethiopia ends monarchy after 3000 years
1984 Part of Central Park is named Strawberry Fields honoring John Lennon
1984 Soviet sub crashes into USS aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk off Japan
1997 Wrestlemania XIII
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

Things are only impossible until they're not. --- Jean-Luc Picard, 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially all those cute guys in their skintight pants, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was, "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal. "Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?" "Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river." "How did you do that?" asked Donal "Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them." "We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams... "Quick pull me up, pull me up!" "Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal, "No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."
Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Brittany Glanville, 25 , not so drunk in this facebook picture Drunk and disorderly at 7-11 Bridgeton, N.J. (The Weekly Vice) - Brittany Glanville, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman was arrested Friday after she allegedly attacked a 7-Eleven employee because the store didn't have cooked sausages available. According to Bridgeton Police, officers were dispatched to an area 7-Eleven store after someone at the store set off an alarm. When officers arrived on the scene, Glanville was in the process of throwing something at the cashier. The cashier ducked and avoided getting nailed in the head. When officers entered the store, Glanville was attempting to climb over the counter to get at the cashier. Officers arrested Glanville and placed her into the back seat of a patrol car, however, she retaliated by attempting to kick out the vehicle's windows. The cashier told police Glanville became enraged when she discovered that there were no hot sausages ready on the store's hot dog cooker. Police believe Glandville was intoxicated because of her slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and odor of alcohol on her breath. She was charged with disorderly conduct and released.
Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Total Protection Dear Webby, Does a person need both the internet protection and total protection from McAfee? Cute picture in your newsletter today. I think giving the islands away is not right and could bring us trouble later. Thank you for all the computer hints but I love your whole letter. Keep on the road to recovery Thank you, Shirley Dear Shirley I use the Total protection. It includes the other one, and is good for three machines. The three machines do not need to be networked. That means you can sell two shares to relatives or friends on different continents. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
After church on Sunday morning, suddenly announced to mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell and get paid for it, than to sit still and yawn and having to fork over my change for it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Photos When Traveling My daughter's hobby is photography. On a recent vacation out west, she used the following tip to keep track of her photos. As we entered a new state, she would do one of the following: take a picture of the "Welcome to" state sign, take a picture of the road map for that state, or use sign language to indicate the initial of the state and take a picture of her hand. For example, she would make a signed "M" when we entered Montana and take a picture of that. Then she would know what state the next photos belonged in for her album. By skeesics56 from NW Ohio Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Classic, how Kissinger operated: Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Ann for this: At my wedding I was amazed how well my mother controlled herself, until my grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,"but I was just trying to get him to stop snoring."
» Amazing Photos:





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Grandparent's Answering Machine 
At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

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How to restore the sroll bars in WORD 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, March 19

Obama's frantic war against energy self-sufficiency is taking
a really ugly turn. Now Obama’s State Department is giving away 
SEVEN strategic, resource-laden Alaskan islands to the Russians.
"Just oil, Republican fishermen, and birds there."

The seven endangered islands in the Arctic Ocean and Bering Sea 
include one the size of Rhode Island and Delaware combined. 
The Russians are also to get the tens of thousands of square miles 
of oil-rich seabeds surrounding the islands. 
The Department of Interior estimates hundreds of billions of 
barrels of oil are at stake.

The agreement was negotiated in total secrecy. 
The state of Alaska was not allowed to participate in the negotiations, 
nor was the public given any opportunity for comment. This is despite 
the fact the Alaska Legislature has passed resolutions of opposition – 
but the State Department doesn’t seem to care.

The imperiled Arctic Ocean islands include Wrangel, Bennett, 
Jeannette and Henrietta. 
Wrangel became American in 1881 with the landing of the U.S. 
Revenue Marine ship Thomas Corwin. The landing party included 
the famed naturalist John Muir. It is 3,000 square miles in size.

Due to inaction by the state department, Wrangel was declared
nature rpeserve by Russia and has a Russina park warden and 
about a dozen scientists living there in summer.
Hhere is a nice PDF about Wrangel Island.

Northwest of Wrangel are the DeLong Islands, named for 
George Washington DeLong, the captain of USS Jeannette. 
Also in 1881, he discovered and claimed these three islands 
for the United States. He named them for the voyage co-sponsor, 
New York City newspaper publisher James Gordon Bennett. 
The ship’s crew received a hero’s welcome back in Washington, 
and Congress awarded them gold medals.

In the Bering Sea at the far west end of the Aleutian chain are 
Copper Island, Sea Lion Rock and Sea Otter Rock. They were 
ceded to the U.S. in Seward’s 1867 treaty with Russia.

Aside from all the fishing companies and associated businesses
and all their employees, anybody with an IQ higher than a boiled
turnip can imagine the extreme strategic value of those islands.
Sure, we are at peace right now, but that is no reason to give
away those islands!

An old maritime agreement negotiated by the U.S. State Department 
set the Russian boundary on the other side of the disputed islands, 
but no treaty has ratified this action. Consequently, it is within the 
president’s power to stop this giveaway.

More about the giveaway are at Aware American

Today in 
0721 -BC- 1st recorded lunar eclipse; Location, Babylon
1571 Spanish troops occupy Manila
1628 Massachusetts colony founded by Englishmen 
1644 200 members of Peking imperial family/court commit suicide 
1702 James II's daughter Anne Stuart becomes queen of England
1748 English Naturalization Act passes granting Jews right to colonize US
1831 1st US bank robbery (City Bank, New York/$245,000) 
1883 Jan Matzeliger invents 1st machine to manufacture entire shoes
1885 Louis Riel returns to Canada, proclaims provisional government, Saskatchewan 
1915 Pluto photographed for 1st time (although unknown at the time) 
1918 Congress authorizes time zones & approves daylight saving time 
1920 US Senate rejects Treaty of Versailles for 2nd time
1927 Bloody battles between communists & Nazis in Berlin 
1931 Nevada legalizes gambling 
1940 Failed British air raid on German base at Sylt 
1942 FDR orders men between 45 & 64 to register for non military duty
1943 Airship Canadian Star torpedoed & sinks 
1945 800 killed as Kamikaze attacked USS Franklin off Japan 
1945 Adolf Hitler issues Nero Decree: destruction of German facilities 
1965 Indonesia nationalizes all foreign oil companies 
1968 Howard University students seize administration building
1969 British invade Anguilla
1987 PTL leader Jim Bakker resigns after sex scandal with Jessica Hahn 
1997 Supreme Court hears Internet indecency arguments 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The best way to become acquainted with a subject is to write a book about it. --- Benjamin Disraeli "I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him." --- Galileo Galilei (1564-1642)
When my neighbor's 3-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. His mother was not so pleased. She turned turned her mother and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Her mother smiled and then replied, "Oh, I remember ...."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Bob and his wife have structured conversations: firstly, she gives him her opinion. Then she gives him his opinion.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Click through for the large version.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alan L.O'Neil Jailed After Jumping Off Bridge To Avoid DUI Arrest New Orleans, Louisiana - Thomas Robert Harter, a 44-year-old Louisiana man was jailed Sunday after he jumped off of a 20-foot bridge to avoid a DUI charge. Officers then had to rescue him from the chilly waters below. According to police, an officer pulled Harter over near the Causeway Bridge outside of New Orleans after the officer noticed that he was speeding and driving erratically. When Harter exited the vehicle and put his hands in the air, the officer smelled alcohol on his breath. When the officer asked Harter for his driver's license, Harter handed him a pile of loose papers and CD's from inside the vehicle. The officer had just initiated a field sobriety test on Harter when he suddenly ran to the edge of the bridge then jumped off. He landed in Lake Pontchartrain, which was approximately 20 feet below. Rescuers called the scene found him clinging to a utility structure at the base of the bridge. Temperatures were about 60 degrees that day with wind gusts of up to 20 miles per hour. Harter was thrown a life preserver and pulled to safety. Detectives soon learned why Harter attempted to flee. This was his eighth DUI arrest since 1992. Harter was booked into jail and charged with driving while intoxicated, resisting arrest, and careless driving. He is currently being held in lieu of $15,000 bond. Due to the frequency of his DWIs, he is now facing a third-offense (habitual violators) charge. If convicted, he could face a two-year license suspension and possible confiscation of his vehicle.
Tech Support Pits: From: John Re: How do Iget the scroll bar back in WORD? Dear Webby, In Microshaft Word (97 version), I have lost my scroll/slider bar on the right side of the window that allows me to go up and down in the document. Thankful for wheel mice or I wouldn't be able to do any reasonable editing. Any ideas on how to get it back? John=== Dear John To display or hide scroll bars On the Tools menu, click Options, and then click the View tab. Under Show, select or clear the Horizontal scroll bar and Vertical scroll bar check boxes. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are only 1/100th of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "That would be about four slices of roast beef in the deli where I worked."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spice Up Your Coffee With Cinnamon Stick Give yourself a no-calorie treat by adding a drop of quality real vanilla to your coffee. A sprinkle of cinnamon powder or pumpkin pie spice can also be added for those wanting a spicier fare. Also, instead of buying chocolate coffee creamer, you can use plain chocolate syrup that you may already have in your fridge to your coffee along with a bit of cream. Another favorite of mine is to add a tablespoon of Tang to my coffee. This reminds me of the coffee served with orange zest I was once served at a fancy coffee bar back in the early 70's (before there was Starbucks). For an extra-special treat, turn your coffee into a dessert, by adding a squirt of whipped cream. A great way to use canned whipped cream left over from potlucks and family get-togethers. By Cyinda Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A friend, a long time divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why. "The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained. Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Armand for this: After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes." "Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly. The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
» Amazing Photos:





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How to make the sign for MICRO 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, March 18

Today in 
1167 Battle of El-Babein, Egypt: Franks under Amalrik vs Syrians 
1190 Crusaders kill 57 Jews in Bury St Edmonds England
1229 German emperor Frederick II crowns himself king of Jerusalem 
1532 English parliament bans payments by English church to Rome 
1673 Lord Berkley sells his half of New Jersey to the Quakers 
1773 Oliver Goldsmith' "She Stoops to Conquer" premieres in London 
1793 2nd Battle at Neerwinden: Austria army beats France 
1818 Congress approves 1st pensions for government service 
1834 1st railroad tunnel in US completed, in Pennsylvania (275 meter long) 
1890 1st US state naval militia organized (Massachusetts)
1891 Britain is linked to the continent by Telephone 
1895 200 blacks leave Savannah GA for Liberia 
1902 Enrico Caruso becomes 1st well-known performer to make a record 
1911 North Dakota enacts a hail insurance law 
1914 White Wolf gang beats government army in Jingdezhen China 
1915 Failed British attack in Dardanelles
1915 French battleship Bouvet explodes, 640 killed 
1915 Turkey's Canakkale (Trojan) Sea Victory against allied 
  powers(USA, Australia, England, Italy) during First World War
1921 2nd Peace of Riga, Poland enlarged. Germany shrunk
1921 Steamer "Hong Kong" runs aground off Swatow China killing 1,000 
1931 1st electric shavers go on sale in US (Schick) 
1937 Gas explosion in school in New London TX; 296 die 
1940 Mussolini joins Hitler in Germany's war against France & Britain 
1943 Red Army evacuates Belgorod
1944 2,500 women trample guards & floorwalkers to purchase 
  1,500 alarm clocks announced for sale in a Chicago IL department store
1944 Nazi Germany occupies Hungary 
1945 1,250 US bombers attack Berlin
1952 Communist offensive in Korea 
1959 President Dwight D Eisenhower signs Hawaii statehood bill 
1961 Poppin' Fresh Pillsbury Dough Boy introduced 
1962 Algerian War ends after 7½ years of fighting (250,000 die), 
         Ben Bella flees 
1963 France performs underground nuclear test at Ecker Algeria 
1966 Scott Paper begins selling paper dresses for $1
1968 Congress repeals requirement for a gold reserve 
1970 Mail service paralyzed by 1st major postal strike 
1974 Most Arab oil producing nations end embargo against US
1975 Kurds end fight against Iraqi army
1977 US restricts citizens from visiting Cuba, Vietnam, N Korea & Cambodia
1977 Vietnam hands over MIA to US 
1978 250,000 attend rock concert Jam II in Ontario CA
1979 Battles between Kurds & Iranians break in Sananday Iran 
1990 1st free elections in East Germany, Conservatives beat Communists 
1992 Leona Helmsley sentence to 4 years for tax evasion
1994 Zsa Zsa Gabor files for bankruptcy 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. --- Kati "Genius without education is like silver in the mine." --- Benjamin Franklin
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough" The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Alan L.O'Neil Facebook 'friend' offer exposes man's other wife SEATTLE (AP) — A corrections officer is facing bigamy charges after authorities said a Washington woman using Facebook discovered that she and a potential "friend" were married to him at the same time. According to charging documents filed Thursday, Alan L. O'Neill married a woman in 2001, moved out in 2009, changed his name and remarried without divorcing her. The first wife first noticed O'Neill had moved on to another woman when Facebook suggested the friendship connection to wife No. 2 under the "People You May Know" feature. Wifwe #1 had been arrested once for beating up the woman, whom she saw cutting a wedding cake with her escaped hubby. Wife No. 1 then called the defendant's mother. "An hour later the defendant arrived at (Wife No. 1's) apartment, and she asked him several times if they were divorced," court records show. "The defendant said, 'No, we are still married.'" Neither O'Neill nor his first wife had filed for divorce, according to charging documents. The name change came in December, and later that month he married his second wife. O'Neill allegedly told wife No. 1 not to tell anybody about his dual marriages, that he would fix it, the documents state. But wife No. 1, probably still annoyed about her arrest, alerted authorities. O'Neill, 41, was previously known as Alan Fulk. He has worked as a Pierce County corrections officer for five years, sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer said. He was placed on administrative leave after prosecutors charged him Thursday. He could face up to a year in jail if convicted. O'Neill and his first wife had issues that went back to 2009. In 2010, his first wife was arrested after an altercation with the woman who later became the second wife, and who she recognized instantly whe she saw her picture on Facebook. O'Neill is free, but due in court later this month, which is standard procedure for non-violent crimes, Lindquist said. "About the only danger he would pose is marrying a third woman," he said. Basically, all he really did was trying to cheat a divorce attorney out of the income from a proper divorce.
Tech Support Pits: From: Fergie Re: How do I type the symbol for Micro? Dear Webby How do I type the symbol for Micro, the U with a long leg on the left side? Fergie Dear Fergie µ is easy on a regular keyboard. Hold down the ALT key. and thype 0181 on the numeric keyppad. If you are on a laptop, copy the µ from here onto a "cheat-sheet", a plain text file, that you can bring up with a short-cut icon. You can copy all kinds of characters and formulas and conversion factors onto your cheat sheet and have them handy, when you need them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, it seems they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle Leroy fell in a whiskey vat at the place where he worked. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoid Cleaning Chemicals With Microfiber I just purchased microfiber towels and a microfiber mop and I love them. You use the towels to clean almost anything without chemicals. Use them slightly wet to clean countertops, your stove, the bathroom sink, etc. I have never been able to get the shower glass to look clean. This works great, I just follow the wet towel with a dry one. Same with windows. NO chemicals. The mop came with a dust mop and a wet mop. You wet mop, with no chemicals and it drys fast! I love them and no wasting paper towels to clean with, and when you are through just throw in the washing machine. Source: QVC.com. By Greyroma from Oklahoma City I have used MicroFiber cloths since the early 90's. You can most definitely use soaps with them! Spraying a mist of citrus cleaner onto the floor and then mopping it with a damp Micro Fiber cloth or mop produces a perfect shine. You can wash them in the washing machine, but afterwards hang them on the line to dry. Don't ever dry them in a dryer, when there are Bounty or similar anti-static liquids or sheets involved. After that, they are just ordinary rags. I also use small Microfiber towels to wipe down drops off me after a shower, and then use the regular towel just to invigorate the near dry skin. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC." When asked what "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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How to fix Gmail hotkeys 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 17

Happy St Patrick's Day

Today in 
0432 St Patrick, a bishop, is carried off to Ireland as a slave 
0455 Roman senator Petronius Maximus becomes Emperor
1521 Ferdinand Magellan discovers the Philippines
1521 Magelhaes lands on Homohon 
1753 1st official St Patrick's Day 
1755 Transylvania Land Co buys Kentucky for $50,000 from a Cherokee chief
1756 St Patrick's Day 1st celebrated in NYC at Crown & Thistle Taver
1762 1st St Patrick's Day parade in NYC
1776 British forces evacuate Boston to Nova Scotia during Revolutionary War
1800 English warship Queen Charlotte catches fire; 700 die
1804 Johann von Schiller's "Wilhelm Tell" premieres 
1836 Texas abolishes slavery
1861 Italy declares independence; Kingdom of Italy proclaimed 
1894 US & China sign treaty preventing Chinese laborers from entering US
1898 1st practical submarine 1st submerges, New York NY
1919 Dutch steel workers strike for 8 hour day & minimum wages 
1919 Dutch steel workers strike for 8 hour day & minimum wages 
1921 Sailors revolt in Kronstadt (thousands die) 
1924 Netherlands & USSR begin talks over USSR recognition
1924 Sweden & USSR exchange diplomats 
1926 Spain & Brazil prevent Germany joining League of Nations
1927 US government doesn't sign league of Nations disarmament treaty
1929 General Motors acquires German auto manufacturer Adam Opel 
1931 Stalin throws Lenin out of Central Committee
1932 German police raid Hitler's Nazi-headquarter 
1950 Element 98 (Californium) announced 
1955 Maurice "Rocket" Richard suspended, sparks 7 hour riot in Montréal 
1957 Dutch ban on Sunday driving lifted 
1959 Dalai Lama flees Tibet for India 
1960 Eisenhower forms anti-Castro-exile army under the CIA 
1963 Eruptions of Mount Agung Bali, kills 1,500 Balinese 
1966 US sub locates missing H-bomb in Mediterranean 
1987 IBM releases PC-DOS version 3.3
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy."John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is..." ------------------- Yeah, I remember Mr Robertson, and his shiny shoes. The ONLY shiny shoes in the company, until the mysterious, never drying mud puddle appeared around his designated parking spot. If he is still there, I wonder who is watering the mud puddle every night nowadays.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much t he clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "amen."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." Once upon a time, that would have gotten him off with a warning.
Click through for the large version. Don't worry, Mom! I fix the Child-Proofing.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Holly Lopez, 32 Teacher - Charged With Having Sex With Two Students This seems to be the season of gossiping boys! Austin, TX (The Weekly Vice) - Holly Lopez, a 32-year-old special education teacher at Lexington Middle School was jailed Thursday after she allegedly had sex with a 13-year-old student and his 14-year-old friend. According to police, an investigation was launched after one of the boys contacted police stating that he was beginning to feel weird about a sexual encounter that involved his teacher. Apparently her sex was worse than her math. Investigators say the student had been going to see Lopez on a regular basis for help with math. On February 11, the student and a friend was at his father's house when Lopez began texting back and forth with both boys. After texting for a short time, the teacher told the boys that she was headed over to the student's house. Lopez allegedly arrived at the boy's home with several condoms. The teacher and both boys then went into a bedroom and engaged in sex. During a police interview, the victim was able to identify several intimate tattoos on Lopez' body. Lopez was booked into jail and charged with improper relationship between educator and student and aggravated sexual assault. Her bond has been set at 100,000. This has been going on for millienna, but teachers used to be smart enough to select boys, who could keep a secret.
Tech Support Pits: From: Colleen Re: Gmail hotkeys not working Dear Webby I am, or I should say, I WAS using hotkeys to weed out my Gmail, but lately the key I assigned for "Move to trash" is not working any more. Even restoring it to the original "#" did not help. How can that be fixed? Colleen Dear Colleen It is a bug in Gmail. However, if you tell Gmail to revert to the old style, and then from there revert to the new style, the chosen hot key for deleting selected mails mysteriously works again. Nobody knows why. You CAN use your choice of key for that, no need to use the awkward "#". Personally, I use the "!" to select all on a page, after going to the "Oldest", and then the "`", to the left of the exclamation mark, for deleting the selected 100 mails. By doing that whenever I am on hold on the phone, I keep my Gmail nice and trim and fast. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Collect Newspaper Comics for a Gift This is a good idea for a winter holiday or birthday gift. Comics taken from the newspapers and cut out each day. Paste onto printing paper and put in a 3 ring binder from the dollar store. It makes an inexpensive book of comics for a person's favorite comic strip. Or better yet, find an online archive of their favorite comic, and save the comics in order. Garfield.com has a vault that archives every comic ever published. Screen grabs of those put on a CD or printed out (there's a print option) would make a good gift, too. By hyena cub from Omaha, NE Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad... " "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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Does a screensaver slow down a download? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Today in 
1079 Iran adopts solar Hijrah calendar 
1190 Jews of York England commit mass sucide 
     rather than submit to baptism
1521 Portuguese navigator Ferdinand Magellan reaches Philippines 
1829 Ohio authorizes high school night classes 
1861 Arizona Territory votes to leave the Union 
1871 1st fertilizer law enacted 
1882 US Senate ratifies treaty establishing the Red Cross 
1910 Barney Oldfield sets land speed record of 131.7 mph at Daytona 
1916 US & Canada sign Migratory bird treaty
1940 German air raid on British fleet base Scapa Flow 
1945 US defeats Japan at Iwo Jima
1955 President Eisenhower upheld the use of atomic weapons in case of war 
1968 My Lai massacre occurs (Vietnam War); 450 die 
1972 John & Yoko are served with deportation papers 
1978 Amoco Cadiz tanker spills 68.7 million gallons of oil off French coast 
1978 US Senate accepts Panamá Canal treaty 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ---Bertolt Brecht There are two types of people-- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' --- Frederick L Collins
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. " ‘Don't Despair’ paid 80-to-1."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

One afternoon Janiced out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck. "So what's the problem?" "I took the plants in for the winter."
One of subscriber Brenda's Tennessee Walking Horses Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Sandra Paschal, 57 Jailed After Hacking Through Door With Machete, Attacking Husband Duluth, MN (The Weekly Vice) - Sandra Paschal, a 57-year-old Minnesota woman was jailed after she allegedly hacked through a door with a machete, then went after her husband with the weapon. According to police, Paschal and her husband had been arguing most of the day Sunday when the argument turned violent. Investigators say Paschal became so angry that she left the room, retrieved a machete and returned to confront her husband with it. When she found that her husband had locked the door, she allegedly used the machete to hack her way through it. She then entered the room and struck her husband twice with the weapon. When officers arrived, Paschal stated that her husband repeatedly struck her with a baseball bat. Officers discounted her claim due to a lack of physical injuries on Paschal. "She changed her story several times," said Gwinnett Police spokesperson, Jake Smith. Officers described Paschal as "borderline incoherent" while attempting to interview her. The husband told police that Paschal had struck him in the head with a telephone earlier that day before things flared up again. Paschal was booked into the Gwinnett County Jail and charged with felony aggravated assault. Her bond has been set at $11,200.
Tech Support Pits: From: Corey Re: Does a screensaver slow down a download? Dear Webby Does a screensaver slow down a long download ? Corey Dear Corey If you use one of the standard screensavers that come with Windows, then they won't slow down a download. If you use third party screensaver, you will have to test them and see. Most don't affect downloads, but some, especially slide show type screensavers, do access the hard drive and could slow doan your downloads. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight. Witness: I didn't see no fight. Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see. Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other on the shoulder, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a pistol and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and gun smoke and bullets. Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Pet Hair with Washcloth Removing pet hair from any cloth surface is easy if you use a damp washcloth. Wipe cushions or clothing in one direction only and the hair will lift off. You can also try a damp sponge mop to remove pet hair from your carpets. Again wipe in one direction only and the hair will just pile up and can be easily picked up by hand. Source: Dog Fancy Magazine By Teri from Tionesta, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The United Brethren church in Parsons, Kansas was having a play, and one of the women was supposed to say, "The ass stuck his head out the window and brayed." The woman didn't want to say "ass" in church and asked if she could change the word to "donkey". The other members insisted that she call it an ass, because that's what it was called in the Bible. One person reminded her of the story about Jesus riding an ass into Jerusalem. The woman worried about her line right up until the fateful day of the play. When her turn came, she stood up in front of the congregation and said, "The donkey stuck his ass out the window and brayed."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Little Johnny's father was a rector in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited. His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up." Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up...!"
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Pinhead Of The Day 

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

(You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder."
(That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time." Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!



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Guide to Winnipeg 

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets.

The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.

All directions start with, 'Go down Portage.'

Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.

The 8:00 a.m. Rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.


If you actually stop at a yellow light, there's no chance you're from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissys.

Lagimodiere Blvd. can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

(And let's not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)

Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.

Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Especially those dopey-looking city workers holding up signs in traffic that say in big orange letters 'SLOW'. ( I always want to yell, 'You don't really need to advertise, buddy!'.)

Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, 'Oh, we're in Transcona!'

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

Where Mama Geese and their babies have ABSOLUTE Right of Way on ALL streets every Spring.

If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City: e.g.: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk. You've gone two miles down the same road and the name changes seven times.

Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, 'Keep honking, I'm reloading.' Is considered a fair warning.

Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Hwy. are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won't get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your bluespruce.

Down South to you means Grand Forks.

Your 1 July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees 'a little chilly.' But it is still t-shirt weather.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Manitoba friends.



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Spaces in descriptive file names 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 15

Today in 
0076 Hadrian Roman Emperor (builder of Hadrian's Wall) 
1493 Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after 1st new world voyage 
1778 Nootka Sound, Vancouver Island discovered by Captain Cook 
1812 1st Russian settlement in California, Russian River 
1820 Maine admitted as 23rd state 
1867 Michigan becomes 1st state to tax property
1887 Michigan appoints 1st salaried game & fish warden in US
1892 1st escalator patented by inventor Jesse W Reno
1892 New York State unveils automatic ballot booth (voting machine)
1907 Finland is 1st European country to give women the right to vote 
1916 General Pershing, 15,000 troops chasing Villa into 
    Mexico, stays 10-months 
1917 Nicholas II, last Russian tsar, says he will abdicate 
1930 1st streamlined submarine of US navy, USS Nautilus, launched
1933 NAACP begins coordinated attack on segregation & discrimination 
1939 Hitler occupies Bohemia & Moravia (Czechoslovakia); 
1943 Red Army evacuates Kharkov 
1944 Italian town of Cassino destroyed by Allied bombing 
1946 British premier Attlee agrees with India's right to independence
1950 NYC hires Dr Wallace E Howell as its official "rainmaker"
1951 Persia (Iran) nationalizes (steals) Anglo-Iranian Oil Company 
1955 US Air Force unveils self-guided missile 
1957 3rd nation to explode a nuclear bomb (Britain) 
1961 South Africa withdrews from British Commonwealth 
1971 Chatrooms make their debut on the Internet 
1978 People's Rebublic of China performs nuclear test
1988 NASA reports accelerated breakdown of ozone layer 
   by CFK. Later proved to be a con job.
1999 Pluto again becomes outermost planet
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. --- Robert McCloskey
One day, Gramma sent her grandson, Little Johnny, down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran all the way back to Gramma's house and into the kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. A frightened Little Johnny stammered, "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma. There's a BIG old alligator down there!" Gramma said, "Now, don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him." "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Two good Catholic boys passed an Episcopalian minister. At the sight of the reversed collar, one of them automatically said, "Hello, Father." The other boy elbowed him in the ribs. "He's no Father you dummy, said the second youth, "He's married and got three kids!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Stephanie Clinkenbeard, 33 Stephanie Clinkenbeard Had A Meth Lab In Her Pants Tahlequah, OK: Stephanie Clinkenbeard, a 33-year-old Oklahoma woman was jailed after deputies discovered a meth lab in her pants. According to the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office, deputies were looking for Clinkenbeard after she was reported to be the driver of a vehicle that was reported stolen. Deputies discovered the stolen car and made contact with Clinkenbeard who was walking down a nearby road. When confronted by the deputy, Clinkenbeard stretched out her arms to be handcuffed - stating that she knew she had kept her boss's car too long. Clinkenbeard then allegedly told the deputy that she had drug paraphernalia in her purse and a bottle stashed in her pants. Moments later she admitted to the deputy that the bottle in her pants was a "shake-and-bake" meth lab. After removing the "one bottle" meth lab from her pants, she proceeded to remove other drug related items from her clothing. The items included a baggie containing a white powdery substance, several syringes, coffee filters and a glass pipe. She was booked into jail and charged with manufacturing a controlled dangerous substance, possession of a controlled dangerous substance and intent to manufacture.
Tech Support Pits: From: Amanda Re: Descriptive picture names Dear Webby I was told to use decriptive names for pictures instead of just numbers, but now they don't show up any more. They show OK on my computer, but not on the web. Amanda Dear Amanda When the web was invented, it was decided that names have NO spaces in them. Then the Mac people gave in to Arab influence and allowed spaces in file names. A few years later Microsoft got paranoid about the Mac having something that Microsoft didn't have, and without thinking about it, followed suit. Well, the people in charge of the web thought and still think that spaces within names are stooopid and just a silly nuisance on the web. They really are, and they slow down browsing, because when the message comes back that there is no such file (with just the first portion), then some browsers add "%20", a space filler, and send another request out. If you have half a dozen words in your "descriptive file name", that wastes a lot of time. Just fill the gaps with underscores or the minus sign, and the files will show properly on all browsers. Have FUN! DearWebby
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At the end of their first date, a young man takes the girl back to her home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a good night kiss?" Embarrassed, she replies, "Oh, I couldn't do that. My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us." "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" "NO, no. I just can't." "Pleeeeease?..." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell the idiot to take his hand off the intercom button!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Business Cards I like taking calling cards, especially from stores like beauty salons, doctors office, even restaurants. I did not know where to store them. I bought a wallet size photo album from a dollar store ($1) and started putting all the cards I have taken in there. At the back of the calling cards, I note down comments like the hours and days for my favorite hairstylist or for restaurants favorite menus and what not to order (good for take outs). By Rosario from FL I remember when business card scanners came out in the 80s, with simple database programs to sort and store them. They are stil available, a huge choice from $30 to $300. However, the cheapest scanner will do for business cards. After scanning them at low resolution and saving the picture, it can be pasted into any spreadsheet with CTRL V Yep, it is that simple! You can leave it at original size or squish it. Then you can type the name of the business into the first column, with the pictrue in the second one, and comments in the third one. With a spreadsheet CTRL F is for Finding stuff. You can limit the search to only the search to only the first column by putting the cursor above it, or let it search the entire sheet. If you want, you can even put detailed "pages" behind the first sheet, and drill down to them with a click. For example, if you have warranty issues with a company, you might want to record all kinds of extra info. One double-click from the top layer with the pretty business cards will drill down to the detail page. If you have never used spreadsheets before, you'll feel like a kid in a toy store the first few times you play with them. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
» Weird & Funny Hot Wheels





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What's the best way to store important CDs ? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, March 14

Today in 
1629 England granted a royal charter to Massachusetts Bay Colony  
1794 Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin 
1888 2nd largest snowfall in New York NY history (21") 
1900 Hugo de Vries rediscovers Mendel's laws of genetics
1900 US currency goes on gold standard 
1916 Battle of Verdun: German attack on Mort-Homme ridge
1918 1st concrete ship to cross the Atlantic (Faith) is launched
1923 Allies accept Vilnus taking East-Galicië in Poland
1923 German Supreme Court prohibits NSDAP  
1939 Nazi Germany dissolves Republic of Czechoslovakia 
1940 27 killed, 15 injured when truck full of migrant workers collides 
   with a train outside McAllen TX 
1941 Xavier Cugat & his Orchestraestra record "Babalu"
1945 RAF bomb cuts railway link Hannover-Hamburg
1951 During Korean War, US/UN forces recapture Seoul
1953 Nikita Khrushchev succeeds Malenkov as Secretary of Communist Party 
1958 South Africa government disallows ANC 
1971 South Vietnamese troops flee Laos 
1971 The Rolling Stones leave England for France to escape taxes 
1990 Mikhail S Gorbachev becomes president of the Soviet Congress 
1991 Emir of Kuwait returns to Kuwait City after the US kicked the Iraqis out
1992 Soviet newspaper "Pravda" suspends publication 
1997 68 year old Gordie Howe signs AHL contract with Syracuse Crunch
1997 Iranian military plane crashes, killing 80 
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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The reason Politicians try so hard to get reelected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. --- Socratex I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors. --- Socratex "Nothing deters a good man from doing what is honourable." --- Seneca There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them. --- Emile Chartier
DOG LETTERS TO GOD Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are they thinking? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have onramps? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, pee-mail, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energyfields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Yes, OVER 750! Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "They probably think that I married you for your money."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Rachel Farrell, 25 Teacher Charged With Having Sex With Multiple Students Bangor, PA Rachel Farrell aka Rachel Werner, a 25-year-old English teacher at a Bangor area high school has been jailed after she allegedly had sex with at least one 17-year-old student. Police believe, however, that she had sex with several other students as well. According to Northampton County Prosecutors, Farrell allegedly had an ongoing sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student after she seduced him on Facebook. Investigators say Farrell had sex with the student multiple times at various locations including a Wal-Mart parking lot and a motel. The "victim" told detectives Farrell was his 11th grade reading teacher and that she would regularly book a room at the Tannersville Ramada Inn so she could have sex with him. Farrell reportedly began her affair with the student just two months after she was married. Farrell allegedly admitted to having sex with the student and several other 17-year-old students. Three of the students Farrell is accused of having sex with have not been cooperative with police, according to Northampton District Attorney, John Morgenelli. Farrell was booked into jail and charged with three misdemeanor counts of corruption of a minor. Morgenelli stated that a misdemeanor charge was appropriate in this case because the students involved were 16 years old and willing and enthusiastic participants to the affair. Becasue of the seduction via FaceBook, though, she will face jail time. She can't talk herself out of that.
Tech Support Pits: From: Rex Re: CD Storage Dear Webby What's the best way to store important CDs ? I mean stuff that is not easily replaceable like music CDs are. Rex Dear Rex I recommend those aluminum briefcase style tool boxes that you see with telephone repair people and mobile computer fixers. They are about 46 x 35 x 15 cm (18" x 14" x 6" for the Imperial Loyalists) and quite sturdy. If there is a fire or any reason for evacuating quickly, you can just grab that aluminum case and run, or even toss it out a window to free your arms for computers. You can fit hundreds of CDs even with Jewel Cases into them. The trick is to put the CDs INTO the case, not piling them on top. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Frank called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she didn't know how to cook either."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Replacement Boxes For Playing Cards My kids are always tearing the boxes that playing cards come in. I cut a Little Debbie oatmeal box down to where it is a little taller than the cards and put the cards in it. I used the bottom of the box and cut the top part off. I plan on decorating it later. The box will stand up or lay down. By Sandrafadeley from Portland, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. "My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted." Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re- sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her during that time."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?" The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."
» Nature's Fury





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Lock icon sizes in W7 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, March 13

Today in 
0607 12th recorded perihelion passage of Halley's Comet  
1519 Cortez lands in México 
1560 Spanish fleet occupies Djerba, at Tripoli (Libya)
1639 Cambridge College renamed Harvard for clergyman John Harvard 
1677 Massachusetts gains title to Maine for $6,000 
1852 Uncle Sam cartoon figure made its debut in the 
       New York Lantern weekly
1861 Jefferson Davis signs bill authorizing use of slaves as soldiers 
1868 Senate begins President Andrew Johnson impeachment trial
1869 Arkansas legislature passes anti-Klan law 
1884 US adopts Standard Time 
1913 Kansas legislature approves censorship of motion pictures 
1921 Mongolia (formerly Outer Mongolia) declares 
          independence from China 
1925 Tennessee makes it unlawful to teach evolution 
1933 Banks reopen 
1943 Failed assassin attempt on Hitler during 
      Smolensk-Rastenburg flight 
1950 General Motors reports net earnings of $656,434,232 (record) 
1957 Bloody battles after anti-Batista demonstration in Havana Cuba
1961 Pablo Picasso (79) marries his model Jacqueline Rocque (37) 
1963 2 Russian reconnaissance flights over Alaska
1969 Apollo 9 returns to Earth 
1970 Digital Equipment Corp introduces PDP-11 minicomputer 
1979 European Monetary System is established, ECU created 
1986 Soyuz T-15 carries 2 cosmonauts to Soviet space station Mir 
1991 Exxon pays $1-billion dollars in fines & cleanup of Valdez oil spill
2012  smiled.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. --- Socratex It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. --- Mark Twain Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. --- Socratex Empty pockets never held anyone back. It is only empty heads and empty hearts that do it. --- Norman Vincent Peale
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" A hole in my pants where my wallet used to be.
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie... .. So I rented him a tuxedo in your name."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Marcia Usher, 32 in Hudson, Florida Jailed After Calling 911 To Ask For A Place To Urinate Hudson, Florida - Marcia Usher, a 32-year-old Hudson woman was jailed Wednesday after she called 911 to ask for assistance in finding a place to urinate. According to the Pasco County Sheriff's Office, Usher called 911 and reported that she was lost in the woods somewhere and was looking for a place to urinate. Officers traced the call and found her drinking a beer on her front porch, not in the woods as she had claimed. Investigators say officers asked Usher if they could search an open cooler that was near her. She allowed them, and stated that there was a knife inside. Officers instead found a handgun sitting on top of the beer. When officers attempted to apprehend her she resisted, but was tackled to the ground and eventually handcuffed. Sounds like much fun was had by all. When Usher arrived at the jail, a vial containing methamphetamine residue was found on her person during a strip search. Usher was booked into the Land O' Lakes Detention Center and charged with carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, possession of methamphetamine, introduction/possession of contraband in a detention facility, and resisting arrest without violence. She is currently being held in lieu of a $15,150 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Jack Re: Icon Size problem on W7 Webby, I've been a faithful recipient of Humor Letter for years and enjoyed and learned from you, I even asked some questions. I now need your help because for all my research I cannot find out the answer to this. Maybe it is a bug in win7. The icons come up in the view mode to medium icons. I want small icons. I change the setting every time I boot up. but it always goes back to medium I can't find a setting to keep (lock) them in small view. Any HELP? jack Dear Jack There are a number of W7 bugs involved. Theoretically, clicking on a blank space on the desktop, then holding down CTRL and turning the scroll wheel, SHOULD zoom the icons. If you have no W7 Updates, that works fine. However, if you have been hit with a bunch of conflicting updates, that becomes erratic. Don't try it while you have a bunch of programs open! At one time, Windows saved your settings correctly, including that wacky zoom. The zoom still works fine in most programs like FireFox, but is jerky and unpredictable with the desktop. Right-clicking the desktop and clicking on View and Small Icons is also screwy. If you have set the icons to for example 24 pixels, THEIR smallest will increase the size to 36. That method may occasionally work, but usually doesn't. It is probably meant for the Incredimail and Farmville crowd, who like huge icons. The third officially sanctioned method is via the Registry: You can hardwire the icon size in the Registry with [HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Control Panel\Desktop\WindowMetrics] "Shell Icon Size"="24" Back up the registry before editing it! And then there is the top secret and undocumented sneaky method: Right-click on the desktop. Personalize And in there, hidden at the bottom, you see "Window Color", looking ever so boring and innocent. Hidden inside that is the good ol "Appearance" module from Windows 95. It is probably not authorized, but was hidden in there by a programmer, who got frustrated with the official way to muck around. Don't be surprised if a future update eliminates the "Appearance" module. However, for now it still works just like it has ever since Windows 95, it's just hidden a bit deeper down. Once you have customized Windows7 desktop to be as functional as the one in XP, use SMD (Save My Desktop) from my Tool Box to save it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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>From Lilly: Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," he said, gesturing toward the doors, "Which one should I use?" "Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are our private dining rooms."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Magazine Pictures For Crafts I love to make my own cards and gift bags and I love magazines (I get a ton). When I want to make card for a certain holiday, lets say Halloween, I just pull out my latest magazine, they always arrive a month ahead of time, and look for cute pictures of pumpkins, black cats and other Halloween related pictures. If I can't find what I want, I pull out an older issue of the same month. To make it even easier, go through each magazine as you get it and cut out any cute or interesting pictures. Save them in a file until you need them. You can use them for scrapbooking, crafting, collages and more. If your kid likes a certain cartoon character, you could look for pics of it in your magazines and make a nice collage for them to hang on their wall. Other people might like a neat collage of their favorite things: dogs, cats, airplanes, etc. Almost any nice picture you find in your favorite magazine can be framed and given as a gift or even keep it yourself. By Jennifer from Conyers, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all employees; If you must drink during your lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly." On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?" "Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me." "And how is your son now?" he asked. "Who cares?" she replied.
» Cloud to Ground Lightning





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Just one monitor turned on it's side 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, March 12

Monday already!
Where did the weekend go?

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
1365 University of Vienna founded 
1496 Jews are expelled from Syria
1755 1st steam engine in America installed, to pump water from a mine
1789 US Post Office established
1799 Austria declares war on France 
1848 2nd republic established in France
1850 1st US $20 gold piece issued 
1888 2nd day of the Great blizzard of '88 in northeast US (400 die) 
1904 1st main line electric train in UK (Liverpool to Southport) 
1912 Captain Albert Berry performs 1st parachute jump from an airplane
1916 French airship sinks British submarine D3 
1925 British government of Baldwin refuses to ratify Geneva agreement
1926 Denmark begins unilateral disarmament 
1930 Mohandas Gandhi begins 200 mile (321 km) march 
      protesting British salt tax 
1934 Josip Broz (Tito) freed from jail
1935 England establishes 30 MPH speed limit for towns & villages
1938 Nazi Germany invades Austria (Anschluss) 
1940 Finland stops alliance with Germany and surrenders to Russia
    during WWII, giving up Karelische Isthmus 
1945 Italy's Communist Party (CPI) calls for armed uprising in Italy 
1945 USSR returns Transylvania to Romania 
1947 President Truman introduces Truman-doctrine to fight communism
1951 Communist troops driven out of Seoul 
1957 East Germany accepts 22 Russian divisions
1964 Jimmy Hoffa sentenced to 8 years 
1964 Malcolm X resigns from Nation of Islam 
1986 Susan Butcher wins 1,158 mile Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race 
2012  smiled.


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A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. --- Granville Hicks Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. --- Ronald Reagan
Latreesha went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "Then I just use their last name!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the crew. "People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale." "A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance." "I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale per day gets fired."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to William Webb, 27 in Waco, TX On the loose after Feeding Baby Vodka, Then Attempting To Burn Down Victim's Home Waco, Texas - William Charles Webb, a 27-year-old Waco man was jailed after he allegedly fed a large amount of Vodka to an 8-month-old baby - then tried to burn down the victim's home the day he was released from jail. According to Waco police, Webb was reportedly arrested after a baby he was caring for was found to be intoxicated. The child was taken to a local hospital and placed in intensive care after his mother came home from work and suspected something was wrong with her baby. Doctors determined that the infant's blood-alcohol level was 4 times the legal driving limit. A bottle of Vodka was found on a table inside the residence. Webb also made threatening remarks to the child's mother, who had obtained a restraining order against him. Investigators say Webb was incarcerated at the McLennan County Jail and was charged with injury to a child and making a terroristic threat. He was released Saturday after posting $14,000 bond. The same day Webb was released from jail, he reportedly poured gasoline on the victim's home and attempted to set it on fire. However, wet conditions prevented him from igniting the gasoline. He was apprehended again after officers found him hiding at his mother's house. Webb was booked into jail and charged with arson, two counts of criminal mischief, violation of a protective order, retaliation, and threats. He was held for 24 hours. Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, not really. But I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
Tech Support Pits: From: Re: One wide monitor turned upright A few subscrbers asked about turning just one monitor upright, the sawed off laptop monitor, sitting beside a standard 4:3 monitor. Yes, you definitely can do that. You probably use a standard keyboard anyway, not the awkward laptop keyboard, so it is no problem at all setting the laptop on it's side. After that, select to rotate the display for THAT monitor only. It will appear just like the tall programmer's monitors and be really great for word processing. You can slide docs and spreadsheets over to the tilted laptop, and even though the width is limited, the bottom won't be cut off! Sliding a window only part way across will work just fine too, especially if the monitor frame is black. Your eyes will just ignore it then. If it isn't black, paint it! Have FUN! DearWebby
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One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?" My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider. When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flavoring Water Without Adding Calories I can't consume artificial sweetener of any kind without getting really sick, so I freeze chunks of fresh fruit and put in the freezer to use as a flavoring and cooling agent. Pineapple, lemons, limes, apples, pears, watermelon, and honeydew are all good choices. I also like the Lipton tea bags with herb and orange. A few dips of a tea bag in a glass of water with ice will get me 3 glasses of slightly flavored beverage that changes up just plain water. By T and T Grandma from Benson, MN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
You may not know that many non living things have a gender. For example: 1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component. 5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom. 9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady went inside between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son: "Go get your mother."
» Butterfly Trivia





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Icons spread over two monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, March 11

For most of you the clocks will need to be adjusted for 
summer time tonight. Move it one hour ahead.
The Government says it's later than you think.

Personally, I would be quite happy with summer time all
year long. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
0537 Goths lay siege to Rome 
1665 New York approves new code guaranteeing Protestants religious rights
1669 Volcano Etna in Italy erupts killing 15,000 
1810 Emperor Napoleon married by proxy to Archduchess Marie Louise 
1888 Great blizzard of '88 strikes northeast US
1917 British troops occupy Baghdad
1918 Moscow becomes capital of revolutionary Russia 
1919 General strike in Germany, crushed 
1935 Bank of Canada opens
1935 Hermann Goering officially creates German Air Force, 
        the Luftwaffe 
1938 German troops enter Austria 
1943 Nazi Militia forms in Netherlands 
1945 1,000 allied bombers bomb Essen, 4,662 tons of bombs.
     The Germans were already sick and tired of Hitler, this
     made them hate the Allies and not give up just yet. 
1948 Jewish Agency of Jerusalem bombed 
1953 An American B-47 accidentally drops a nuclear bomb on 
           South Carolina, the bomb doesn't go off 
1970 Iraq Ba'th Party recognizes Kurd nation 
1975 USSR performs nuclear test at Eastern Semipalitinsk USSR 
1977 34 Israelis killed by Palestinians on the Tel Aviv-Haifa highway
1977 Moslems hold 130 hostages in Washington DC
1978 Terrorists attack mail truck at Tel Aviv, 45 killed 
1982 Menachem Begin & Anwar Sadat sign peace treaty in Washington DC 
1987 Wayne Gretzky scores 1,500th NHL point 
1990 Lithuania declares it's Independence 
1991 Janet Jackson signs $40M three album deal with Virgin records 
1997 Beatle Paul McCartney knighted Sir Paul by Queen Elizabeth II 
2012  smiled.


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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. --- Joan Rivers I have nothing against jogging, as long as it is done by bouncy cuties. Let's go find some! --- Hagar
A man from Edinburgh wrote to an English editor, "If you don't stop printing those derogatory Scottish jokes, most of which imply we're cheap, I'm going to quit stealing your stupid magazine."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
Click through for the large version. Kluane, Yukon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to John Jardini, 26 in Pittsburgh, PA Idiot Jailed After Asking Girl On Date After He Robbed Her Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (The Weekly Vice) - John Jardini, a 26-year-old Pittsburgh resident was jailed after he allegedly robbed a girl, than called her and asked her out on a date. According to Pittsburgh police, Jardini reportedly stole $60 from the victim as she was waiting for her mother at a bus stop. He then somehow got her number and began calling her after the robbery and asking her on dates. Investigators say officers were beginning to track Jardini down when he reportedly robbed the same victim again, and this time her mother too. Judging by the looks on his booking photo, they seem to have defended themselves. He was apprehended and was positively identified as the suspect who had attacked the victim earlier. Jardini was booked into the Allegheny County Jail on charges of robbery.
Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Icons on two monitors Dear Webby, you mentioned using two monitors at the same time. I have seen programmers and web designers use two monitors at the same time, but have not seen that on home machines. Could I have some of my icons on one monitor and others on the other one? Erin Dear Erin Yes, that is indeed the preferred method. The sawed off "Wide screen" monitors are often 1260 or 1280 pixes wide. They are only 900 pixels high, compared to 1600 wide and 1200 high on classic 4:3 monitors. If you use a spreadsheet or word processor documant 1200 pixels wide, you can shove it over to the wide screen, and the top 2/3 of it will look the same as on the 4:3 monitor, plus leaving an 80 pixel wide space on the side. That extra space is just perfect for a column of icons. That way you can use the unused 400 pixel wide space on side of the classic 4:3 monitor for calendar, reminder, calculator, measurement converter, etc. The system acts and looks like you had a 1280 + 1600 wide monitor with the bottom third on the left one duck-taped off. You might yearn for a second 4:3 monitor, but you'll get used to the odd arrangement. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Thirty dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not here to be gypped out of our hard earned money?" "In Winter we raise porcupines, Ma'am." ---------------------------- The easiest way to remove porcupine quills is to use sharp side cutters to cut them off, and then pull them out with needle-nose pliers. If you don't cut them off, the air inside the quills is compressed, when you try to grab them, and little barbs along the tip get pushed out, making removal very difficult. With side cutters in one hand and needle-nose in the other, it goes pretty quick. Have done that many times.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Toiletries When Staying at Hotels We always save the soap, shampoos, toothpaste, and lotions we get at hotels when we stay in them. They come in handy when we run out of out regular soaps and things, especially when we can't make it to the store right away. Plus, they are perfect for traveling when you don't want to bring your bigger bottles. When company is staying over it is nice to give them their own bar of soap with their towels, too! By morbetomommy from Topeka, KS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Jane Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
When the employees of a restaurant here attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then press the trigger to release the foam." Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In an open 45 gallon drum that was partially filled with water and carefully topped off with a layer of motor oil, then a layer of diesel, a big, smoky fire was burning quite lively. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin. The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?" In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and slam-dunked the extinguisher into the fire. ------------- If you have never used a fire extinguisher, keep in mind that they are NOT like a hand grenade. Pulling the pin doesn't really do anything. It just ALLOWS you to squeeze the handle. To actually squirt foam or powder or CO2 snow, you have to squeeze the handle. When you let go of the handle, it stops squirting.
» Butterfly Trivia





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Sawed off monitors 



Zoom the font size for best readability   

Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 10


Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
0241 -BC- Battle of Aegusa: Roman fleet sinks 50 Carthagean ships 
1681 English Quaker William Penn receives charter from Charles II, 
making him sole proprietor of colonial American territory Pennsylvania 
1862 US issues 1st paper money ($5, $10, $20, $50, $100, $500 & $1000)
1876 1st telephone call made (Alexander Graham Bell to Thomas Watson) 
1880 Salvation Army of England sets up US welfare & religious activity 
1910 China ends slavery 
1914 Suffragettes in London damage Rokeby's Venus of Velasquez 
1927 Bavaria lifts ban on Hitler's speeches
1933 Nevada becomes 1st US state to regulate narcotics 
1945 Tokyo in fire after night time B-29 bombing
1952 Military coup by General Fulgencio Batista in Cuba 
1957 Thousands of soccer fans riot in Italy
1960 USSR agrees to stop nuclear testing 
1966 North Vietnamese capture US Green Beret Camp at Ashau Valley 
1972 USSR performs nuclear test at Semipalitinsk USSR 
1985 India beat Pakistan to win "World Championship of Cricket" 
1988 Avalanche at Swiss Ski resort "Klosters" nearly kills Prince Charles 
2012  smiled.


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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

"A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." --- Edward Abbey (1927-1989) We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can. --- Cullen Hightower
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store." An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

Thanks to Barb for this one: The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Here is a loaded gun. Go in and kill that person! The man went inside. Iside he saw his wife sitting in the chair, with a blindfold over her eyes. He looked at her for a minute, then turned and came back outside. There he said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill the person in the chair. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Click through for the large version. Kluane, Yukon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Steven Mulhall Stole name plate from judge, posted on Facebook FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) - Note to thieves. If you steal a nameplate from a judge, don't let anyone post a picture of you holding it on Facebook. Authorities in South Florida say that's exactly what led to the arrest Thursday of 21-year-old Steven Mulhall on violation of probation charges. Broward County Sheriff Al Lamberti told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel Mulhall pried the $40 nameplate from the courtroom door of Broward Circuit Judge Michael Orlando. He says Mulhall has multiple petty theft convictions and now faces felony charges. Arrest reports show the nameplate was stolen around Feb. 23. Authorities received a tip that Mulhall took the nameplate and that the picture could be found on his girlfriend's Facebook page. The Bonehead is in jail and the nameplate will be lrturned to the judge.
Tech Support Pits: From: Alice Re: Sawed off monitor Dear Webby, Some people claimed you were just an old fogie with your ranting against what you called sawed off monitors, and that wide monitors provided more usable screen. Well, I fell for their slick sales talk and wound up with a sawed off piece of crap. Luckily I still have an old-fashioned 4:3 ratio monitor. It is an ancient NEC the size of a small fridge and twice the weight, but I get true 1600 x 1200 on it. The laptop with the sawed off screen can barely manage a 945 pixel tall screen. I got them linked together, so that I can use the old monitor for spreadsheet and word processor work, basically ANY real work, like I have been doing for decades, and the sawed off laptop screen as a scratch-pad on the side. It is pathetic, when I slide a spreadsheet over to the left, the bottom third is, well, sawed off and not showing. I guess you knew all along what you were talking about. Do you know of any tricks to get sawed off screens and laptops to show more height or compress spreadsheets instead of sawing them off? Thanks Alice Dear Alice No, unfortunately there is no way to squish spreadsheets when you slide them across to another monitor. When you zoom them, it does that on both screens. They show whatever resolution they got, not a scale to page size like a printer does. Take good care of your old monitor, and keep an eye out for a spare at yard sales. Have FUN! DearWebby
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I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are inde- pendent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning a Can Opener To clean and disinfect the wheel of a can opener, just use white vinegar and an old tooth brush. Dip the toothbrush in the vinegar and scrub clean. Swish in hot soapy water and rinse. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, LOUD and clearly: "One hour and 45 minutes!"
» One of a Kind





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Do link exchanges help? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, March 9
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Drove to Calgary to get fitted with a Holter heart monitor,
and had to calibrate it with rest and a six minute walk.
Since I take bigger strides than their staff, they didn't 
accompany me, but had people at checkpoints marking
down how often I walked past them.

Now I got to wear the portable ECG till tomorrow afternoon,
and then pack it up for a courier.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
1454 Amerigo Vespucci was born. His name on a book with his 
    second-hand descriptions about the new continent, got it 
    named America.
1562 Kissing in public banned in Naples (punishable by death) 
1741 English fleet under Admiral Ogle begins assault on Cartagena
1791 George Hayward, Us, surgeon, 1st to use ether 
1796 Napoleon Bonaparte marries Josephine de Beauharnais 
1820 Philippines chases out foreigners; about 125 die 
1822 Charles M Graham of New York patents artificial teeth
1839 Prussian government limits work week for children 
   to 51 hours 
1918 Russian Bolshevik Party becomes the Communist Party 
1942 Construction of the Alaska Highway began 
1945 334 US B-29 Superfortresses attack Tokyo with 
   120,000 fire bombs
1945 Japanese proclaim the "independence" of Indo-China 
1959 Barbie doll debuted, over 800 million sold so far. 
1961 1st animal returned from space, dog Blackie on Sputnik 9 
1962 Egyptian President Nasser declares Gaza belongs to 
    Palestinians 
1962 US advisors in South-Vietnam join the fight 
1964 1st Ford Mustang produced 
1974 Last Japanese soldier, a guerrilla operating in Philippines, 
    surrenders, 29 years after World War II ended
1977 Hanafi Moslems invade 3 buildings in Washington DC, 
    siege ended March 11th 
2012  smiled.


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The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side. --- James Baldwin
During a lesson in Biology, one girl whispered to another, "You know, I think the most frightening thing about heredity and environment is that our parents provide both."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

>From Nina I was escorted to a wedding by my twenty-four-year-old bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with their candles and then blew out their own. With that he brightened and whispered, "I've never seen that done before." I whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?" His response: "No more old flames?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Richard Todd, 46 Drunk at the DRIVE-through Wendy's workers refused service to a man accused of being drunk at the drive through and claiming three people were about to rob the place. Fort Pierce police, however, granted service to the man, arresting him about 11:40 p.m. March 1 on a DUI charge. A manager at the fast food eatery on North U.S. 1 in Fort Pierce told police a man later identified as Richard Todd, 46, was denied service "because he was drunk and causing a problem," a recently released arrest affidavit states. Todd left the drive through, motored around the building and returned to the drive through. "This time he told them that they were about to get robbed by 'three (racial slurs),'" the affidavit states. The manager called police, and an officer reported finding Todd in his truck at the drive through speaker. Meanwhile, Todd said he'd just stopped a robbery. Officers noticed how Todd smelled of alcohol. "They also noticed how he appeared to be out of control," an affidavit states. When asked whether he'd been drinking, Todd wanted to discuss the folks who were going to rob Wendy's. He did say he imbibed a beer or two on his boat. Todd was arrested on a DUI charge.
Tech Support Pits: From: Bernard Re: Does trading links help? Dear Webby, Does trading links help to get a better listing in the search engines? Bernard Dear Bernard No, and Yes. If you are referring to trading links with a spammer from an unrelated site, then the answer is NO !. The search engines will penalize and probably dump you. If you are talking about in-context links, where you are referring to a site that has deeper details or additional information about YOUR topic, then the links count in your favor. Elaborating is quite OK, changing topics is NOT! Keep in mind that the search engines are spending Billions of dollars to be relevant and able to deliver exactly what the visitors are looking for. They don't like it at all when you listen to con-artists pretending to be Search Engine Optimizers and experiment with sleazy tricks to try to get around the Search Engine's quest for relevancy and accuracy. Unless you want to be lumped in with spammers and caught cheaters, just trash that spam and forget it. If you WANT to link to a site, to let them provide details or proving your point, don't feel shy about asking the webmasters about linking to them, and if it is a long page, ask them to put an anchor at the chapter, that you link to. To show you how that works, I put an anchor named tradelinks at the begin of the Tech Support Pits. Try browsing to http://webby.com/humor#tradelinks The pound sign and the anchor name after that will jump the browser straight to here. A similar anchor in a seven feet long page will make your link to it a LOT more relevant. Linking to the top entrance could possibly appear like a totally irrelevant subject change. Most webmasters will gladly cooperate and snap in an anchor for you. It helps them to be relevant. Have FUN! DearWebby
AD #2
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Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students: FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT ------------------------------------------- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. He probably needed them to protect him from the 300 wives when they started arguing.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com College Survival Kit This is an idea for a going away gift for anyone going to college. My neighbors daughter is leaving for college and I wanted to give her something special to take with her. I found a very nice small vintage looking suitcase at an estate sale. I have had such fun filling it with inexpensive necessities and I am really proud of myself at how thrifty I have been. Items included in the suitcase are, cookies, instant ramen noodle soups, instant hot chocolate, a pretty mug, again purchased at a estate sale. Pencils, pens, highlighters, a dayplanner, a phone card which was a buy one get one free at Walgreens drug store, a pretty package of notecards and a book of stamps. Gifts do not have to be expensive to be a blessing! All of the items I have purchased at estate sales, or at a very good sale price! By Bobbie from Rockwall Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
What are the Chemical Properties of Women? Substance: Women Chemical system: Wow Manufacturer: God Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES 1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm 2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced. 3. Boils at nothing. 4. Freezes without reason. 5. Melts with special reason. 6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly. 7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore. 8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points. 9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age. 10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES 1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances. 3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood. 4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known. COMMON USES 1. Highly ornamental. 2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned. SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION 1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state. 2. Turns green when compared to better specimens. HAZARDS 1. May explode spontaneously without cause. 2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time. 3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Chemical Propeties of Men ELEMENT : Man Note: Chemical Properties of Women was run yesterday SYMBOL: Ma DISCOVERER: Eve (discovered by accident when she had a craving for ribs) OCCURRENCE: Often found near dual element Wo (Women), usually in high concentrations surrounding a perfect Wo specimen. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1) Surface is often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts when treated properly. 3) Can cause headaches 4) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo 5) Gains considerable mass and loses reactive nature as specimen ages 6) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 7) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2) May react with several Wo isotopes in a short period under extremly favorable conditions. 3) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. 4) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. 5) Will be fairly inert and repellant to most other elements when saturated with alcohol. 6) Is repelled by most common household appliances and cleansers. 7) Is repelled by small children in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. STORAGE: 1) Best results near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. USES: 1) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo. 2) Can be used in recreational activities. TESTS: 1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity 2) Reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. CAUTION: 1) May react extremely violently when another Ma interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. 2) When treated right can be good long term provider of necessities and basic luxuries for Wo
» One of a Kind





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Browser Errors 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, March 8

Thanks to all, who have sent me links to state maps!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
1722 Afghan monarch Mir Mahmud occupies Persia 
1801 British drive French forces from Abukir, Egypt 
1911 International Women's Day (1st celebrated) 
1916 US invades Cuba for 3rd time, this time to end 
      corrupt Menocal regime 
1930 Mahatma Gandhi starts civil disobedience in India 
1942 Japanese forces captures Rangoon Burma
1943 335 allied bombers attack Neurenberg
1944 US resumes daily bombing of Berlin
1950 Marshall Voroshilov of USSR announces they 
         developed atomic bomb 
1957 USSR performs atmospheric nuclear test 
1957 Israeli troops leave Egypt; Suez Canal re-opened 
     for minor ships
1963 Syrian Arab Republic Revolution Day: Military coup in Syria
1965 1st US combat forces arrive in South Vietnam (3,500 Marines) 
1971 Radio Hanoi broadcasts Jimi Hendrix's "Star Spangled Banner" 
1979 1st extraterrestrial volcano discovered (Jupiter's satellite Io) 
1979 China withdraws invasion troops from Vietnam 
1983 IBM releases PC DOS version 2.0 
1986 Japanese probe Suisei passes Halley's Comet
2012  smiled.


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The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson I was watching the Discovery Channel and turkeys are amazing creatures. They have been bred over hundreds of years to have small brains, big breasts, and peck at food. So they're like the supermodels of the animal kingdom. --- Jay Leno People who never get carried away should be. --- Malcolm Forbes
A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 1: It is half empty. Student writes 'pessimist' in his report. Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 2: It is half full. Student writes 'optimist' in his report. Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there. The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor. "Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!
These recipes are NOT the instructions, that the staff at those restaurants get! You won't see Mashed Potatoes: "2 #6 scoops of pre-mix from drum #12, one gallon of hot water. Stir for 45 seconds." What you get is instructions to make things taste exactly the same or better than what you get at those restaurants.
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
Thanks to Aletta for sending this picture: Click through for the large version. Northern Lights behind Icelandic volcano Fimmvorduhals
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Michelle Polan, 21 Locked kids in basement, went drinking La Vista, Nebraska Michelle Polan, a 21-year-old La Vista woman was jailed after she allegedly left her 9-month-old twins and a three-year-old alone in the basement for 9 hours so she could go out drinking. According to La Vista police, Polan's sister reportedly discovered the children alone in the basement of Polan's home early Saturday after she heard the babies crying. She contacted police after Polan did not return home for over 8 hours or show any concern for her children. Polan tried to sneak in through the back door around 6:00 p.m, nearly an hour after child protective services had removed the children from the home. They are now in the care of Polan's mother. Investigators say when officers questioned Polan, she claimed that she had been at work all day. She appeared to be intoxicated, however, and was administered a blood-alcohol test. When the test showed that she was almost twice the state's legal driving limit, she admitted that she had been drinking all day at a friend's house. Her sister told police that this was not the first time Polan had left her children alone. Polan was booked into jail and charged with two counts of felony child abuse. She is due to appear in court on Tuesday.
Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: 404 or 500 errors Dear Webby I have a problem with my Internet browser I get when proceeding to site error 404 forbidding area or error 500 not allowed to view this page .... my question is how do fix this, in laymen's terms. I am using a verizon air card for high speed, but it is not really that fast. Mike Dear Mike That is not your browser's fault. You see those errors if the webmaster forgot to upload the page you are looking for or if there is a server error, or when Verizon is too slow in your area. It could also be that there is a typo in the link that you used to get to that site. You can write to the webmaster of that site and ask for clarification. Considering how many people are extremely unhappy with those air cards, I would suggest that you call Verizon and insist, that they give you 2/3 of the speed, that you pay for. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com College Survival Kit This is an idea for a going away gift for anyone going to college. My neighbors daughter is leaving for college and I wanted to give her something special to take with her. I found a very nice small vintage looking suitcase at an estate sale. I have had such fun filling it with inexpensive necessities and I am really proud of myself at how thrifty I have been. Items included in the suitcase are, cookies, instant ramen noodle soups, instant hot chocolate, a pretty mug, again purchased at a estate sale. Pencils, pens, highlighters, a dayplanner, a phone card which was a buy one get one free at Walgreens drug store, a pretty package of notecards and a book of stamps. Gifts do not have to be expensive to be a blessing! All of the items I have purchased at estate sales, or at a very good sale price! By Bobbie from Rockwall Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man who suggested the company save paper by posting corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He won a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.
» Love of Wood





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What is MailWasher all about? 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, March 7

Thank you Robert & Loretta!

I had to drive into Calgary yesterday, Tuesday morning.
Just like Ophelia had warned me, they had almost a foot
of fresh snow.

The East end of Black Diamond looked like a staging area for
a major disaster relief operation. There were herds of tow 
trucks, crane trucks, electrical company and phone company 
repair trucks, plow trucks, and trucks pulling trailers with 
loaders on them. They were just sitting there, idling, with 
the drivers standing in groups, drinking coffee and smoking.
They were ready for that same foot of snow, but in Black
Diamond it was only a couple of inches. No big deal.

On the freeway the snow was partly plowed, partly punched
down, but thoroughly salted with a dirty mix of sand, dirt
and salt. One of those times when I woul rather sit up high
in a semi, than in a low sports car, that takes all the muck
onto the windshield.

There was a light fog with the sun above it, and the wind 
blowing snow across the road made it look really pretty in
the diffused sunlight.

For about thirty miles the wind from the side was a bit much
for comfort and vans and SUVs slowed down, wallowing in
the wind like boats on a stormy sea, with the drivers
desperately looking for heavy hitchhikers. 

A three story B-Train cattle hauler, though, was cruising 
along like a train. The two hundred cows in it gave him 
all the traction he needed. I was able to shelter in the
lee of him for over ten miles.

In Calgary itself the roads were a total mess. The main
through roads were plowed and salted, but anything les than
3 lanes per direction had barely packed snow, often on
top of ice. The only way to find the hidden ice was to brake
or accelerate or to steer. Getting passed by a 4x4 SUV going 
backwards with all wheels locked was also a good indication.

I made it to the PLC hospital with over 10 minutes to spare,
paid the parking extortion and searched for the spot I had 
to go to. 

The info center at the entrance was vacant, but there was a
phone nearby and a sticker with the number to call for info.
Great!
"Go to the back where the big green sign used to be, then
on the left take the narrowest corridor and go about half a
mile to where the coffee shop used to be, there you'll see
signs directing you to where you should go."

That was a lot better than the sign on the side of the hospital,
that had left the province during a Chinook last spring.
Luckily I had checked it out on Google Earth beforehand.

When I got to the department that I had to go to, I was given
a stack of forms to fill out, but was immediately hauled away
by a staffer and told to just sign it, somebody would fill it
out later. Apparently a lot of people from Calgary could not
make it to their appointments on time, and instead of the
usual 45 minute wait due to triple booking, they jumped me
ahead a dozen people and put me into a cubicle right away.

Blood pressure test, and heart beat counter, yep heart is
still beating. "Take yer clothes off and put the gown on."

As usual, I put it on backwards, with the silly tie strings 
in the front. I may be crazy, but I am not stupid!

I barely had the stupid IC gown on when the doctor came in.
He checked the blood pressure in my feet and with a handy
mechanic's amplified bearing microphone listened to the blood 
in my feet.  

"Circulation is fine, you just have some nerve damage from 
your diabetes. Increase your dose of Gabapentin.
Next."

So I left and visited Dianne, the lady, who sends me the 
Bonus Links. She lives near that hospital.
Gretings to all of you from her!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Today in 
1530 King Henry VIII's divorce request is denied by the Pope 
  Henry then declares that he, not the Pope, is supreme head 
  of England's church 
1774 British close port of Boston to all commerce 
1778 Captain James Cook 1st sights Oregon coast, at 
   Yaquina Bay 
1847 US General Scott occupies Vera Cruz Mexico 
1854 Charles Miller patents 1st US sewing machine to 
   stitch buttonholes 
1872 -8º F in Boston MA
1876 Alexander Graham Bell patents telephone
1908 Cincinnati Mayor Mark Breith stood before city council 
  and announced that, "women are not physically fit to operate 
  automobiles" 
1911 US sent 20,000 troops to Mexican border 
1921 Red Army under Trotsky attack sailors of Kronstadt 
1926 1st transatlantic telephone call (London-New York) 
1932 Riots at Ford-factory Dearborn MI, kills 4 
1936 Hitler breaks Treaty of Versailles, sends troops to 
  German speaking Rhineland 
1939 Guy Lombardo & Royal Canadians 1st record 
   "Auld Lang Syne" 
1941 50,000 British soldiers lands in Greece
1941 British troops invade Abyssinia (Ethiopia)
1942 15 Mk-VB Spitfires reach Malta 
1944 Japans begins offensive in Burma
1945 Cologne taken by allied armies withut resistance
1945 Yugoslavia government of Tito forms
1965 Alabama state troopers & 600 black protestors clash in Selma 
1971 Egypt refuses to renew the Suez ceasefire
1991 Iraq continues to explode oil fields in Kuwait 


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The road to hell is paved with adverbs. --- Stephen King The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires. --- Dorothy Parker The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --- Herbert Spencer
Thanks to Susan for this one: I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, "I think it's time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried." "It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped indignantly. Then there was a brief silence. "Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?" When I repeated buried, she said, "Oh, okay, sure."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!
These recipes are NOT the instructions, that the staff at those restaurants get! You won't see Mashed Potatoes: "2 #6 scoops of pre-mix from drum #12, one gallon of hot water. Stir for 45 seconds." What you get is instructions to make things taste exactly the same or better than what you get at those restaurants.
Job Applicant Terminology and Translation: "I know how to deal with stressful situations" means: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication and organizational skills" means: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. "I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization" means: I've used Microsoft Word. "My pertinent work experience includes" means: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I take pride in my work" means: I blame others for my mistakes. "I'm balanced and centered" means: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom. "I have a sense of humor" means: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. "I'm willing to relocate" means: As I leave San Quentin, any where's better. "I'm extremely professional" means: I carry a Day-Timer. "My background and skills match your requirements" means: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. "I am adaptable" means: I've changed jobs a lot. "I am on the go" means: I'm never at my desk. "I am honest and reliable." means My time sheets are as phoney as the foam in the bra. "I am family oriented and responsible." means I expect time off with pay for taking kids to the dentist, doctor, zoo and Gramma. "I'm highly motivated to succeed" means: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. "I am friendly and cooperative." means .. on Interview day, to the end of probation if absolutely necessary. "I am very community oriented." means I write and print the newsletters for seven clubs on company paper, during working hours. "I have formal training" means: I'm a college dropout. "I have formal training and some certificates." means I dropped out after I knew enough WordPerfect to print up my own certificates. "I have lots of informal training from associating with experts in the field." means I once had a seat on the plane beside an expert. "I interact well with co-workers" means: I have accused coworkers of sexual harassment. "I am perficint in hendling coraspondince perfesionaly." Not suitable for anything involving a keyboard. "I am a fsat typsit nad do wel lat mulitaksing." means Dyslexic and not smart enough to use a spell-checker. "Thank you for your time and consideration" means: The Manpower booklet said to put that at the end. ----------------------- Do we bother reading resumes ? Yep. AFTER a quick refresher glance at this translator list.
Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Trevor Glen Lang Deputy turns in teenage son after finding child porn on his cell phone Sanford, Florida: Trevor Glen Lang, an 18-year-old Sanford man was jailed Monday after his father found child porn on his cellphone and turned him in to police. According to the Seminole County Sheriff's Office, Lang's father contacted police after he had found a locked folder named "photos/videos 13-15 years old" on a cell phone that he and his wife let his son use on occasion. Lang's father happens to be a deputy with the Sheriff's Office. Investigators say he phone was submitted to the digital forensics department where investigators unlocked the foldr and found numerous images of child pornography. Lang admitted to police that he had downloaded, possessed, and shared pornographic images of children. Lang was booked into the John E. Polk Correctional Facility and charged with 10 counts of sexual performance-possession, possession of photographs and motion pictures which, in whole or in part, he knew to include sexual conduct by a child. He was released after posting $1,900 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: How does mailWasher work? Dear Webby, I just read one of your responses to a question wherein you mention MailWasher. What exactly does this program do, is it a free download, does it work with any program, and do you have the link to MailWasher? Thank you in advance for your response. Have a very happy day. Renee The link to MailWasher is above the tech Tips. I simplified it to http://webby.com/mailwasher You can get the free trial from there. MailWasher lets you view the top of each mail in a list, WITHOUT downloading the email. You are just peeking like with a browser. Mailwasher then flags spam and dangerous stuff, and lets you check that list. You might want to flag additional stuff, blacklist some stuff, friend other stuff. One of the main benefits is that MailWasher shows you not just the visible links, for example your bank, but the actual, underlying link, which could be a call to a PHP program on some hacker site in Nigeria. Naturally, there is no point in downloading dangerous stuff like that. Then you hit F6 or click on PROCESS. It dumps the stuff flagged for deleting, and calls up your email program. NOW you finally get the mail with your email program, but only what has survived the washing. Whenever you spot a pattern or word, that is used only by spammers or politicians, then you make a filter for that. Naturally, you can also make positive filters to protect your Sweetie's email no matter what topic or content. MailWasher is easy to use, but extremely flexible. Anything you want it to do during the wash, has been thought of by somebody years ago and has been built in. Keep in mind, some of us have used MailWasher for more than a dozen years! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Golf Tips: 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let other go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please, while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use an Exfoliating Glove For Cleaning To clean in between the faucet and knobs in the bathroom, use an exfoliating glove from the dollar store. It works great on the tub faucet and in the kitchen too. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Tina decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Fifteen," said Buffy. So the Tina bought fifteen rolls of paper and did the job, but she had seven rolls left over. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got seven left over!" "Yeah!" said Buffy. "I did too."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One time during the underway watch the Officer Of the Day decided to test my seamanship. "What would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?" "Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures." "What would you do if an officer fell overboard?" "Hmmm," I said, "Which one, sir?"
» Kodachromes





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How to assign sounds in W7 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, March 6

Thank you June!

From Diana D
Love the new "Today in" section in your daily newsletter.  
Oh what the heck, I love the newsletter - period.  Helps start 
my day off with a grin on my face.

Here's something interesting for Tuesday's "Today in" section 
if you'd like to use it.

On Tuesday, the Oreo cookie will turn 100 years old.
Before the name “Oreo” became the name, the first cookies were 
called Arrhea. Those first cookies were baked at the Chelsea 
Market Bakery in Manhattan in 1912.  The first sales took place in 
Hoboken, N.J. 

Canadians were introduced to the Oreo in 1949.
Surely hope your eyesight and general health are improving.
Diana D.

Today in 
1475 Michelangelo Buonarroti.the painter / sculptor was born
1521 Magellan discovers Guam
1799 Napoleon captures Jaffa Palestine 
1836 3,000 Mexicans beat 182 Texans at the Alamo, 
        after 13 day fight 
1899 "Aspirin" patented by Felix Hoffmann
1921 Police in Sunbury PA issue an edict requiring Women to 
          wear skirts at least 4 inches below the knee 
1933 Poland occupies free city Danzig
1944 USAF begins daily daylight bombing of Berlin
1986 USSR's Vega 1 flies by Halley's Comet at 8,889 km
1991 Iraq capitulates in the Persian Gulf conflict

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --- Thomas A. Edison Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing. --- Warren Buffett The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Only sick music makes money today. --- Friedrich Nietzsche Not all, that is noisy, is music to all ears. --- Socratex
>From Mona: When my son first start dating he said, "I want to marry a good woman, a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a woman who will make me happy." I told him he'd better make up his mind.
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Alabama : Hell Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska : 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona : But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California : By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado : If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut : Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It yet Delaware : We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida : ASK US ABOUT OUR GRANDKIDS! Georgia : We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii : Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho : More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois : Don't Pronounce the "S", or else. Indiana : 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa : We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas : First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky : Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland : If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts : Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan : First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota : 10,000 Lakes...And almost 10,Trillion Mosquitoes Mississippi : Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri : Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana : Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska : Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada : Hookers and Poker! Well, it's a family state now, but we still have poker. New Hampshire : Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey : You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico : Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York : You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina : Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota : We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma : Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon : Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania : Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina : Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota : Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee : The Educashun State Texas : Sí, Hablo Ingles Utah : Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont : Yep Virginia : Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington : We have more rain than you do More subscribers to the Dear Webby Humor letter than any other state. Washington , D.C. : Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia : One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin : Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming : Where women Are women...And The Sheep Are Scared _______________ If sombody has pictures of all. or most, of the state flags, I'll put together a page with these mottos and those flags.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Stacy Dianne Splawn, 38 Tried to poison hubby, when he refused a divorce Spartanburg County, South Carolina - Stacy Dianne Splawn, a 38-year-old Spartanburg County resident was was jailed Monday after she allegedly tried to poison her husband to death after he refused to grant her a divorce. According to the Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office, Splawn's husband met with police and reported that she had attempted to poison him by injecting him with succinylcholine, a paralyzing agent, after he refused to divorce her. Splawn's husband told detectives that he refused the divorce, reminding her that a marriage vow states "until death do us part." Splawn allegedly responded, stating "That will be sooner than you think." He told police that he found a medicine bottle and a syringe on Splawn's night stand and became concerned after reading the label. As a precaution, the husband filled the syringe with water and hid the medicine bottle. He also told police that she had stolen the medication from Mary Black Hospital, where she was recently fired from her position as a nurse. Later that night, the couple was in bed discussing their marital problems when Splawn realized that he had discovered and hid the succinylcholine. He told her that he filled the syringe with the medication, then threw the rest away. She then attempted to stick the syringe into him and inject him with what she thought was the paralyzing drug. He was able to get the syringe away from her, then ended the fight by agreeing to the divorce. Splawn was booked into jail and charged with criminal domestic violence. She was released after posting $3,500 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: DJ Re: Can't assign sounds in W7 I downloaded some sounds to use with the sounds that came with the computer so if you want you could attach a sound to a function.my problem is I can’t get them attached to the list of sounds.I have windows7,go to the control panel, click sounds,the function page opens and all I have are the sounds that windows installed.any clue’s? Dear DJ Control Panel Sound Sounds Highlight a sound that you want to change, for example "Default Beep" BROWSE browse to where you got your wavs stashed and select one I attached a dozen or so short ones, that you can use click TEST to listen to how it sounds click APPLY if you like it. Otherwise browse for a better one. All the ones I attached work fine. If you pick one, that is too long, it won't work. Have FUN! DearWebby
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At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I just spent ten days of 'quality time' in a compact car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Collect Water From Condensation Pipe We bought a rain barrel this year. I noticed our condensation pipe for the central air conditioning was spitting water so I put an 8-gallon can underneath the pipe and it fills itself in 24 hours. I pour this water in our rain barrel so we can reuse it. By waitress from Brick, NJ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bob used to be a salesman, but he got tired of his job, gave it up and became a policeman. Several months later, I asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!
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Health Message 

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.





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How to get rid of watch-related spam 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, March 5

Today in 
1558 Smoking tobacco introduced in Europe by Francisco Fernandes 
1616 Copernicus' "de Revolutionibus" placed on 
        Catholic Forbidden index. That was about the earth and planets
        revolving around the sun.
1623 1st American temperance law enacted, Virginia 
1766 Don Antonio de Ulloa takes possession of 
      Louisiana Territory from French 
1770 Boston Massacre, British troops kill 5 in crowd
1836 Mexico attacks Alamo 
1836 Samuel Colt manufactures 1st pistol, 34-caliber 
      "Texas" model 
1872 George Westinghouse Jr patents triple 
      air brake for trains 
1907 1st radio broadcast of a musical composition aired
1927 1,000 US marines land in China to protect 
      American property 
1933 Germany's Nazi Party wins majority in parliament
1934 Mother-in-law's day 1st celebrated 
1945 Allies bombs The Hague, Netherlands
1945 US 7th Army Corps captures Cologne 
1953 Josef Stalin's death announced 
1959 Iran & US sign economic & military treaty
1960 Elvis Presley ends 2-year hitch in US Army 
1970 Nuclear non-proliferation treaty went into effect

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. --- Russel Lynes Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. --- Voltaire "Adventure is not outside man; it is within." --- George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)
When a couple arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, they were told the keys had been locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As the wife watched from the passenger side, she instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," she announced to the mehanic, "it's open!" The mechanic said, "I know. I already got that side."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally, the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, this house wouldn't be here!" Just as upset, the wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here either."
You all have seen Durer's painting of praying hands, that he made early in the 1500's. Nan reminded me of some pictures of Durer's work I had taken a dozen years ago in the St Stephen's cathedral in Vienna. See that guy peeking out of a window below the stone pulpit? That is a self portrait of Durer, who made the pulpit. The cardinal and other figures above are the people, who commissioned and paid him to do that. Click through for the large version.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Wayne Jones, 49 Tattooed for easy arrest Wayne Jones is so proud of his weightlifting prowess that he has an image of barbells and the number 400 tattooed on his abs, an apparent reference to how many pounds he can bench press. But Jones’ penchant for showing off that tattoo led to his arrest this week on charges he punched a teenager and robbed him of his smart phone in the Loop, police and prosecutors said Tuesday. Prosecutors said Jones, 49, approached the 18-year-old victim at about 8:30 p.m. Feb. 16 as he was walking in the 0-100 block of South State Street talking on his 4G smart phone. Jones initially asked to use the phone, but when the victim said it was out of batteries, he announced a robbery. “The defendant lifted up his shirt and shows him the tattoo,” Assistant State’s Attorney Erin Antonietti said in court. Jones said he was cut and could lay the victim out right now.” Jones then punched the victim in the face, took the cell phone and ran south on State Street, according to court records. Last week, police searched arrest reports for previous cases involving a defendant with a “400” tattoo and got a match on Jones. After the victim picked Jones out of a photo array, detectives drove him around areas where Jones had previously been arrested and he was spotted about 11 a.m. Monday standing in the 4600 block of North Clifton Avenue. The victim later picked Jones out of a police lineup, records show. Jones, of the 11400 block of South Forest Avenue, stands about 5 feet 7 and weighs 185 pounds, according to an arrest report. His criminal record includes a 1987 conviction for aggravated battery and robbery for which he was sentenced to 10 years in prison and a 1995 conviction for an attempted carjacking, records show. In 2009, he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for aggravated battery during a robbery of a downtown store. He also had been arrested for retail theft as recently as a week before the State Street incident, according to court records. Jones was ordered held Tuesday on $150,000 bond.
Tech Support Pits: From: Caroline Re: Control spam re watches Dear Webby How do you eliminate all that obnoxious spam about overpriced watches? About all it does is make me snicker, whenever I see somebody wearing one of them. I have a 30+ year old Timex, nice and flat and light-weight, and I have absolutely no intention of ever buying one of those heavy, gold plated cast iron watches, no matter how many yuppies lug them around. I get the same stupid ads to every one of my addresses There must be a way to stop them! Since you have never changed your addresses since the start of the internet, you must be getting a ton of that kind of spam. How do you stop it from driving you nuts? Thanks Caroline Dear Caroline I use MailWasher, and have used it for over a dozen years. In MailWasher I once made a filter, mostly with pull-down menus. If the Subject line OR the Body "contains Regular Expression" (that's a pull down choice) watchname1|watchname2|watchname3|watchname4|watchname5 (Those I typed in. I am not using the watch names here, since a lot of readers use the same filter) THEN dump the email automatically, without showing it in the list. That means, all those spams get murdered in the dark, unseen by any human, and sent straight to hell. I never see them, I just hear about them from people like you. Over the last dozen or so years I have made many filters like that. Whenever something starts to look like a bad habit, I click together a filter and forget about it. Try the free trial of MailWasher and since it is ridiculously cheap, get it like a good portion of the subscribers have done. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my VCR? -------- FOWL language? Now THAT is rather serious!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Pet Hair with Washcloth Removing pet hair from any cloth surface is easy if you use a damp washcloth. Wipe cushions or clothing in one direction only and the hair will lift off. You can also try a damp sponge mop to remove pet hair from your carpets. Again wipe in one direction only and the hair will just pile up and can be easily picked up by hand. Source: Dog Fancy Magazine By Teri from Tionesta, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Shortly after returning home from a trip to Sea World in Florida, a friend went shopping for swimsuits with her children. When she emerged from the dressing room in a contrasting black-and-white suit, her four-year-old son, exclaimed his approval: "Oh, Mommy, that's perfect! You look just like Shamu!"
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Water Skiing In Asia 


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Merging mail from two different computers 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, March 4

Today in 
1792 Oranges were introduced to Hawaii 
1793 President Washington's 2nd inauguration, shortest 
          speech (133 words) 
1809 Madison becomes 1st President inaugurated in 
          American-made clothes 
1829 Unruly crowd mobs White House during President Jacksons 
         inaugural ball 
1924 "Happy Birthday To You" published by Claydon Sunny 
1936 1st flight of airship Hindenburg, Germany 
1944 1st of US daily bombing of Berlin 
1945 Finland switches sides and declares war on 
          practically defeated Germany

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, "Why don't you say a prayer?" "I don't know any," said the stricken man. "Haven't you had any contact with religion?" "As a boy we used to live next to a Catholic Church!" "That's it!" said the well-wisher. "Just repeat what you heard in the church!" "Okay," said the injured man. "Under the B: 10, Under the I: 25, Under the N: 14, Under the G: 12 Under the O: 9. BINGO!"
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith....
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Mathew Wong, 50 Tried to torch wife, set himself on fire Mathew Wong has been hospitalized in critical condition after police say he inadvertently set himself on fire while attempting to set fire to his estranged wife. Matthew Wong, apparently distraught with the state of his 25-year marriage, filled a couple of empty bleach bottles with gasoline and headed over to his wife’s residence, where he sat and waited for her to leave for work Monday morning. When the woman exited her apartment, police say Wong began chasing her around the complex, threatening to kill her while splashing her with gas, dousing himself in the process. An alert neighbor heard the commotion and grabbed 46-year-old Gloria Davis, pulling her into a nearby apartment. “I had to bring her up because she kind of fell,” said Capitola Scott. “She was so hysterical, so I grabbed her to bring her on up here.” Wong then allegedly doused the entryway and bushes surrounding the apartment where the woman was hiding, and screamed, “I’m gonna to kill you!” and flicked his Bic. “All the sudden I heard something say ‘woosh’ and flames just went up,” Scott recalled. That “woosh” sound she heard was Wong going up in flames. Neighbors quickly extinguished the flames, and an unconscious Wong was transported to the hospital. Davis, fortunately, was uninjured. A search of Wong’s vehicle revealed a gas can, gloves and a roll of tape. Deputies say a blanket was taped to the rear window, and black garbage bags covered both of the rear side windows.
Tech Support Pits: From: Maryann Re: Merging mail from different computers Dear Webby I replaced my old computer at year end, but kept using the old one for almost a month for mail. How can I pull that mail across to the new one without overwriting the mailboxes that I have there with the February stuff in it? I am using Eudora on both machines. It is still by far the best email program. Thanks Maryanne Dear Maryanne Go to the old machine and use your email program to rename the mailboxes that you want. For example rename "Recipes" to "Recipes-1". Then shut down the mail program on both machines and copy the Recipes-1" mailbox to the new computer, right beside where you find "Recipes". Just drag the two Recipes1 files over to the new machine. When you start up the mail program there, you will see both "Recipes" and "Recipes-1". Now you can just transfer the mails you want from one mailbox to another. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Thanks to Bart in Alabama for this: On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill. Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go." Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?" Me: "No, it's to go." At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny. Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them: Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" Manager: "No. A what?" Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill." Server: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" Server: "I don't know." Me: "See here where it says legal tender?" Server: "Yeah." Me: "So, why won't you take it?" Server: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it." Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?" Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here." Server: "What should I do?" Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money." Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him." Manager: "Just tell him." Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night." Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill." Manager: "We don't take those, either." Me: "Why not?" Manager: "I think you know why." Me: "No really ... tell me why." Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "Excuse me?" Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security." Me: "What on earth for?" Manager: "Please, sir." Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them." Manager: "Would you please just leave?" Me: "No." Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then." Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in. Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ... (pause) funny money." Guard: "No kidding! What?" Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill." Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?" Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty." Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!" Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is." Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?" Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" Guard: "Yeah." Security Guard walks over to me and ... Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." Me: "Uh, no." Guard: "Lemme see 'em." Me: "Why?" Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" Manager: "It's fake." Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me." Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill." Guard: "Yeah ... ?" Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. --------------- Canada switched to $2 coins in 96. Unlike the $2 bills, which only lasted a year or two, the coins are expected to last 20 to 25 years. Right now they are switching them over to new hi-tech coins. The inner core will switch to aluminium bronze coated with multi-ply plated brass, and the outer ring will switch to steel coated with multi-ply plated nickel. As a result, the weight will drop from 7.30 to 6.92 grams. The folded steel produces a very distinct magnetic signature, that will be impossible to fake by counterfeiters, making the toonies even more popular with vending machine makers.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organize Coupons In Card Sheet Protectors I was having a hard time keeping up with my coupons. So a friend of mine bought me a binder for my birthday, and I bought a pack of baseball card holder sleeves and a pack of dividers. Now I am so organized it's scary. My son says what is scary is that I actually know what coupons I have! It's a race to see how many I can use before they expire. I also have a steno pad where I write down for each store what I will use with a coupon. Source: Money Saving Mom By Paula from Weldon Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Lisa reported for her final liberal arts examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was finished with the exam, whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she began to desperately throw the coin, mutter and sweat. The moderator was a little confused, so he approached her and asked what she was doing. She said, "I finished the exam in half an hour, so I thought I would go back and recheck my answers."
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, March 3

Today in 1789 
Pennsylvania ends prohibition of theatrical performances 

1819 US passed its 1st immigration law

1836 Republic of Texas declares independence from Mexico

Have FUN!
DearWebby

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Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. --- Niels Bohr Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. --- Will Rogers
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible." To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
Copycat Recipes Cookbook Over 750 Secret Copycat Recipes From Your Favorite Restaurants. Easily Prepare the Most Guarded Restaurant Recipes in Your Own Kitchen. The same tastes and flavors for a fraction of the cost! Copy Cat Recipes Learn to cook the highly guarded secrets behind dishes from » Red Lobster » Applebee's » Chili's » Olive Garden » T.G.I. Fridays and yes, even » Outback Steakhouse get the Copycat Recipes Cookbook now!

The first auto mechanic I visited gave me an estimate on repairs for my car. "That sounds fine," I replied. "But I also intend to get an estimate from the mechanic down the street." "Well," the man replied, "I can't say anything against him. He's the best friend I've got." Surprised at the friendly competition, I got the second estimate. When I returned to the first repair shop, the mechanic greeted me with a smile. "He doubled my bid for labor, didn't he? I told you he's the best friend I've got."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to Trevor Gladston Jr, 39 in Chamblee, DA Foiled bank robber busted after going back into bank to withdraw cash for getaway cab ride A dim-witted attempted bank robber wound up behind bars after a lack of cash forced him to return to the scene of the crime. Authorities said the suspect was arrested after coming back to the Chamblee, Georgia, Wells Fargo bank he tried to rob moments earlier to withdraw money for his cab fare. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that Trevor Gladston Jr, 39, is accused of giving a bank teller a note that said: 'Give the money now or we start to shoot'. Police said he left without any money when the teller, protected by bullet-resistant glass, stepped back from her seat. Cops said Gladston then fled in the taxi. The taxi driver told cops that she picked Gladston up at the MARTA train station in Chamblee, and he asked her to go back there after coming out of the bank. But when they got to the MARTA station, the driver flagged down a transit police officer after becoming concerned that her passenger would skip out on his fare. Chamblee Police Chief Marc Johnson told Fox 5: 'He just convinced the guy that you need to get some money and pay it or you're gonna end up in trouble, so the perpetrator agreed to take the cab back to the bank'. Police said that the officer didn't know about the robbery attempt and talked Gladston into returning to the bank to get money for the cab ride. But when they got there, Gladston was arrested after bank employees recognised him as the man from the robbery attempt. He was booked on charges of attempted armed robbery and transferred Wednesday to the DeKalb County Jail.
Tech Support Pits: From: Olga Re: Are cookies safe now? Dear Webby Please settle an argument for us: Are cookies safe nowadays? I know that 15 years ago cookies stored all kinds of private data, that was available to any hacker, who got access to the machine. Is that still the case? Olga Dear Olga If you are a part time terrorist or into child porno, then cookies can contribute to messing up your career. However, if you are on the safe side of the law, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Today's cookies work FOR you. Actually, they have for quite a few years. For example, if you have an awkward rigmarole to get from your passworded sign-in to your bank statements, cookies can streamline that. Without the passworded sign-in, they are useless, but for YOU they get you where you normally go to. The same applies to shopping at any site. A cookie can remind the browser, along with it's history, and the site's shopping cart history, to get you to the department where you normally go to. There is no point in getting paranoid about a site remembering that you normally buy a certain type of wool, or a certain size of underwear. You are going to buy more of the same anyway, and as long as you don't become a terrorist, nobody but you benefits from the cookies. Let the cookies work for you! You also have to keep in mind, many sites DO require that you allow cookies. Most banks are set up that way. Also most phone companies and many electrical companies. The same goes for forums. They need the cookies to authenticate you, and to get you to the particular forum, that you normally go to. At my bank, for example, I can't get beyond the sign-in page if I don't allow cookies. They store the "Password OK" signal in a cookie, and that is my passport to get deeper into the site. If I go refill my coffee, that cookie expires and I have to sign in again. Cookies are also passports to temporary savings. If you go to a site, that has a onde day only special discount, but somehow get booted off or the site or your connection is too slow to complete the sale, the cookie will remember. It will act like a rain-check and will let you get the special discount. So don't worry about cookies. Enable them. Let them work FOR you. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Collect Water From Condensation Pipe We bought a rain barrel this year. I noticed our condensation pipe for the central air conditioning was spitting water so I put an 8-gallon can underneath the pipe and it fills itself in 24 hours. I pour this water in our rain barrel so we can reuse it. By waitress from Brick, NJ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The sergeant takes Piet to a roadblock. He explains that there is a curfew on and everybody must be in their homes by seven. If he sees anyone on the streets after 7pm he must shoot them. At 5:30 the sergeant hears a shot and runs out to see what has happened. There stands Piet with a smoking rifle and a few hundred yards up the street lies a corpse. The sergeant does his nut - he rants and raves and shouts "Seven a bloody clock I said! It's only half past bloody five now!". "Calm down Sarge", says Piet, "I know this guy. I know where he lives. There is no way he would have made it home by seven."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
MORE Bulletin board bloopers: *Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear ___________________ *Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. ___________________ *If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. ___________________ *Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. ___________________ *Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. ___________________ *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. ___________________ *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. ___________________ *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." ___________________ *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. ___________________ *Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. ___________________ *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. ___________________ *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. ___________________ *The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church bard. ___________________ *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. ___________________ *Fifth Sinday is Lent. ___________________ *Thank you dead friends. ___________________ *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. ___________________ *Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. ___________________ *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. ___________________ *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. ___________________ *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. ___________________ *Persons who are shut-in during bath weather can attend mass over the radio.. ___________________ *Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. ___________________ *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...
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