Dear Webby: List of motels that allow pets Monday, April 20, 2009, 03:48 AM
 
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, April 20, 2009
There is no abstract art. You must always start with something.
Afterward you can remove all traces of reality.
--- Pablo Picasso
It is hard enough to remember my opinions,
without also remembering my reasons for them!
--- Friedrich Nietzsche
One morning, while shaving, George started cursing and
swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his
wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
"What's the matter?" she called out.
"My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered.
"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to
tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A couple went to a Broadway show. During the first
intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way,
so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in
vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful
fountain with foliage, and nobody seemed to be
watching, so he decided to relieve himself right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the
second act was well under way. He searched in the
dark until he found his wife.
"Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
Disco Rapper near Why, Arizona
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 An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a driver in Oslo, Norway
Motorist arrested for sex while speeding
A Norwegian man was arrested after he was caught having sex
with his girlfriend while speeding on a motorway.
Officers trailed the couple's car after noticing it was
swerving from side to side and travelling at 20mph over
the speed limit, reports the BBC.
But they soon realised the erratic driving was due to the woman
"sitting on the man's lap", a police spokesman said.
After filming the exploit for evidence, they pulled them over at a
rest area on the E18 motorway, west of Oslo.
The 28-year-old man is likely to face a fine of several thousand
Norwegian kroner and a lengthy driving ban.
"Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know,"
said Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen.
Despite her role in the incident, the 21-year-old woman was allowed
by police to drive her lover home.
--------------------------
A[[arently she wasn't worth the cost of a motel,
or the time for pulling over into a rest area.
They should have confiscated the idiot's car!
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
"How is THAT going to help?"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From Sharon
Re: List of motels that allow pets
Dear Webby,
Is there a site that lists pet friendly motels
along the way? I do not relish the thought of sleeping in
the car with my dog while everyone else is inside sleeping
in a bed. I'd sure appreciate your or your readers help
on this problem.
Thank you,
Sharon
Dear Sharon
As long a it's not a yappy Chihuahua or similar dog that
might annoy all the other guests, most motels nowadays
allow small dogs and working dogs.
Larger dogs are a bit of a problem.
Even if the motel has a "Pets Welcome" sign, if the dogs
drool, slobber, shed, or look like they might scare
somebody into running through the new rose hedge,
then the Vacancy sign suddenly changes to
NO Vacancy until after you have gone away.
If you are not sure how your dog will behave during the
inspection in the motel or hotel lobby, then it would be a
good idea to talk to your vet and discuss medication.
Keeping those basic rules in mind, here is a site that
lists pet friendly hotels and motels by state:
http://www.petswelcome.com/milkbone/sitemapframe.html
They also list B&B's and cabins.
If enough people find this link useful, I'll put it
permanently into the left side margin.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one
Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking
for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out an
outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique,"
he said.
At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from
the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would
take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but, of course, the bank would want to
make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check
and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the
ring on Monday".
Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man.
"You crook, you lied. There's no money in that account."
"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend
I had?
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to
http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed
up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball
court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to
the pond, as he had not been there for a while,
and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came
closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny
dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the
women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the
pond naked."
"I'm just here to feed the alligators."
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Have FUN !
Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: List of file names Sunday, April 19, 2009, 04:28 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, April 19, 2009
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do,
and that is to contradict other philosophers.
--- William James
Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune
Juice?
A: A Religious Movement.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your
hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that
there Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free
space. Is that enough?"
Sweated off a few pounds.
Next I have to get some tan onto those knobby computer nerd knees!
That cactus is a Turberi Organpipe, nicely lined up with the
hole in the rock in Diablo Canyon.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to three guys in Kansas City, MO with no talent
for operating heavy equipment.
Police: Theft foiled by mud
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) -- Police in Kansas City, Mo., said three men
were arrested after the skid-steer loader they were allegedly trying
to steal became stuck in the mud.
Investigators said the skid-steer loader was found stuck in the mud
at the construction site and officers followed scrape marks
left on the street to a trailer that had been towed by the suspects'
vehicle, the Kansas City Star reported Tuesday.
Officers found an empty truck nearby where the trailer was
discovered and the men were found hiding in a nearby field
after a police dog was called to the scene.
-------------
A skid steer loader is a small loader like a Bob-Cat. It is almost
impossible to get them stuck, and as long as the air intake and
the operator's nose is above water, they can even operate in
rivers or very deep mud. With a skilled operator.
A wise, old Indian chief was famous for predicting what
the weather would do. A group of people went up to the
chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like
tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some
more people went up to the chief and asked,
"What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold."
Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
People were so impressed with this, they asked him
another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the
weather do tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "I dunno. I was watching wrestling
instead of the weather channel."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From Kate
RE: List of file names
Dear Webby
I know Windows doesn't have an easy way to print a list of
the file names in a folder, but I have received CD's from
friends that had a neatly printed list of the files. I don't want
dates or sizes, just the file names.
How is that done?
Kate
Dear Kate
The easiest way is to use DOS.
First make a directory (folder) where you keep those lists.
Then click on START, RUN and type:
cmd
That opens a DOS window.
Type "cd" (without the quotes), then a space, then the
name of the folder that you want listed. Hit Enter.
The prompt should now be showing the same as what
you saw in the top address bar in Windows Explorer.
Now type "dir /b > dirlist.txt"
instead of dirlist.txt you can use any file name you want,
but make the extension ".txt"
Now you can use any word processor or even a spreadsheet
program to open "dirlist.txt", format it the way you want it,
and print it. You can even paste the contents of "dirlist.txt"
into programs for making CD and DVD case inserts.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie
died, a man who lived far away called his brother and
told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and
send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The
next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he
also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every
month, he finally called his brother again to find out
what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do
something nice for Uncle Charlie......
So I rented him a tuxedo!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Fix Leaky Toilets
A leaky toilet can waste 50 gallons or more per day. To test to
see your toilet is leaking, put drops of food coloring into the
toilet tank. Wait 15 minutes. If color has made it's way to the
bowl, you have a leak. Try replacing the flush valve in the tank
to correct the problem.
For More Plumbing Tips, Click Here
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_614.html
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Donna was driving home and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next
day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner
knew her, and remembered that she still had not paid a
bill from half a year ago, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe
really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So Donna
went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. She blew harder, and still nothing
happened.
Her roommate, Rachel, came home and said, "What are
you doing?"
Donna told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents
to pop out. Rachel rolled her eyes and said,
"Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows
first!"
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Dear Webby: Camera cable or chip reader Saturday, April 18, 2009, 03:59 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, April 18, 2009
Spare no expense to save money on this one.
--- Samuel Goldwyn
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid
you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I
am, the minute I asked you to marry me!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court
judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one
of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the
couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind
off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed
a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.
The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally
suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy
defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters
In Washington, DC for analysis.
Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office
to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where
the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered
that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Yep, the desert sure does bloom!
This was in the middle of Joshua Tree park, one of the most
rugged and scenic deserts in the world.
One of these guys is going to lose 20 pounds in the desert
in the next two weeks.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Alleged 'Hamburglar' found at McDonald's
ARLINGTON, Wash. (UPI) -- A real-life alleged "Hamburglar"
was awaiting charges in Washington state after being
apprehended at a McDonald's restaurant, officials say.
Unlike the McDonald's children's advertising character,
the alleged Hamburglar in Arlington, Wash., is real,
The (Everett, Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday.
Local police say the man was first arrested last week on
suspicion of burglary but escaped from the back seat of
a police car when officers rolled down a window to allow
him to throw up.
Two days later, police reportedly received a call from the
manager of a McDonald's who said a customer matching
the escaped suspect's description had been in the restaurant
but had disappeared. An affidavit filed Monday indicated that
police took a look around the McDonald's, noticed a loose
ceiling tile, and found the suspect hiding in the ceiling.
The man was booked into the Snohomish County Jail in
Everett and is awaiting formal charges of third-degree escape,
residential burglary, theft, malicious mischief and burglary,
the Herald said.
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for
the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.
He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department,
he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish
to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to
protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept
in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him
for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From Francisca
RE: Camera cable or Chip Reader ?
Dear Webby
What is better, a camera that downloads directly to the
computer, or a camera where you have to remove a chip
and copy from that into the computer. one of my friends
has one type, another friend has the other type, and of
course each claims their version is better.
What is YOUR recommendation ?
Francisca
Dear Francisca
The better cameras offer both methods, but if you have
a choice, you throw away the camera-to-computer cable.
(Keep the camera-to-TV cable)
If you are limited to downloading directly to the computer
via a very special cable and program, you are totally out
of luck if your camera's memory is full while you are on a
canoe trip and don't have the computer along.
If you have removable chips, you pop out the full chip and
push in the next one. Those memory chips are very sturdy,
and they just fit into the parking meter change pockets
that you get on some belts.
A memory chip reader is $9 - $15 and reads 8MB to 64GB
memory chips. Personally, I use mostly 2 GB chips,
and I also use them instead of floppies.
When you slide that memory chip into the reader or the
computer, you instantly have an extra harddrive. You can
then copy the pictures from the chip or even edit them
right on the chip.
Also, keep in mind that slow transfer via cable drains
the 6 Volt camera battery. It tries to charge up the 5 Volt
USB port!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"Information Superhighway" is really an acronym for
'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving,
Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information
On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every
Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers,
Wiseacres. And Yahoos'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Caring For Leather Jackets
Don't leave leather items in the back of your car on sunny days.
Heat and sunlight can dry and bleach out the leather. Hairspray
or perfume can damage the finish. If it gets wet, let it dry at
room temperature. Store with room to breathe.
Click Here For More Clothing Tips
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_Tips_1220_1222.html
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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It is sometimes easy to forget how easily email
technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally,
with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago, for a vacation in Florida. His
wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet
him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to
find the scrap of paper on which he had written her
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When the
grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look
at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to
the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on her computer screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Dear Webby: Uncluttered Favorites Friday, April 17, 2009, 06:01 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, April 17, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned
by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down.
-- Hector Berlioz
yeah, happens to writers too.
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband to
the photographer. She asked the photographer if he
could remove the hat from the picture.
He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked
her what side of his head he parted his hair on.
"I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself
when you take off his hat."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and
the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of
hysterical astonishment.
The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its
whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of
surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling
on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad
daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.
"Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
Opuntia blooming in Death Valley, California today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Abby Toll, 20, University of Colorado
Female Pervert Taped Puppy To Refrigerator
APRIL 14--Meet Abby Toll. The University of Colorado student, 20,
is facing a felony animal abuse rap after she taped her boyfriend's
puppy to the side of a refrigerator in a bid to teach the
rambunctious animal a "lesson." According to police,
Toll used clear packing tape early this morning to adhere
the eight-month-old dog (a Shiba Inu named Rex) to the
appliance in the kitchen of her boyfriend's apartment.
Toll allegedly was angry at Bryan Beck, 21, for failing
to get rid of the puppy, which, Toll told cops, bit her a few
days ago. According to the below Boulder Police Department
reports, when cops responded at 5 AM to a "report of a male
and female yelling" at Beck's apartment, they discovered that
"Rex's body was completely encased in packing tape."
When Officer Kara Jurczenia asked what was on the side of
the fridge, Toll replied, "The dog." Toll added, "I know this looks
really bad, but the dog bites. He is aggressive." Jurczenia
asked how long the puppy had been taped upside down to
the side of the refrigerator. "Not long," Toll replied.
"Like 20-30 minutes. It was just until he calmed down."
The reports note that when Beck saw his dog stuck to the
refrigerator, he told Toll, "Take him down," adding, "You are so sick!"
Toll replied, "No, you are sick for not caring enough about me to get
rid of the dog."
The animal, whose paws had been bound with elastic hair ties,
was clearly in pain and "yelped and screamed loudly" as cops
worked to free him. "Rex just lay motionless, but breathing, on
his kennel after he was removed from the tape."
The puppy was handed over to the Boulder Valley Humane Society.
Toll, seen in the above mug shot, was turned over to county
jailers. Beck, who was arrested in connection with his scuffle
with Toll, was not charged with animal abuse. Though he did
reportedly tell police, "We were going to get rid of him anyway.
We usually don't do this." (5 pages)
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... 2dog1.html
-------------
All pups I ever had, have bitten me. So what? It's a normal part
of their development. They bite their mother and their siblings
too It's not a hostile act, just part of finding out what is
appreciated and what is not. Pups are very sensitive to the
boss's tone of voice, and if that is not enough, putting a finger
on their tongue, when they are biting during playful wrestling,
makes them quit the biting quite fast. There is absolutely no
need to get sadistic and perverted.
Thanks to BillieBob in Bama:
How can you tell Leroy is at a Cock fight?
He's the one who brought the duck.
How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
He's the one who bets on the duck.
How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
The duck wins.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From Cindy
Re: Uncluttered Favorites
Dear Webby,
The "favorites" in my browser are too difficult to organize
and I want to make shortcuts to them in little clusters on
the desktop.
Thanks, Cindy
Dear Cindy
Reduce your browser window so that the area, where you
want to park the short-cut icons, is visible. Then go to a
site, and drag the little icon in the left of the browser
address bar onto that empty spot on the desktop.
You can rename the icon text to something shorter and more
memorable.
Once things get too cluttered, make some folders in some
directory on the drive, NOT on the desktop!
Then make desktop shortcuts to those folders, give the
shortcuts distinctive icons, and drag the icons from those
clusters into those folders.
One of the reasons for not using desktop folders for that,
is that it is difficult to change the icons of desktop
folders, and a stack of identical lookng manila folders
does not help for organizing things.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in
the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife
appears out of nowhere."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recommended Supplies for a Basic Emergency Kit:
Be sure to have an emergency kit in your house. It should
include: Water and food for 3 days, a battery-powered radio,
flashlight and extra batteries, a First Aid kit, basic tools for
shelter and repair. Also include any unique family needs such as
prescription medications, baby needs and documents.
Get More Information on Emergency Preparation Here
http://www.ready.gov/america/index.html
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam
calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I am just not happy"
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a "woman" for you."
"What's a "woman", Lord?"
"This "woman" will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you
want, even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and
caring that she will know your every mood and how to
make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens
and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every
need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great!" Adam says with a grin on his face.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you."
"Oh, how much will this "woman" cost me Lord?", Adam
replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye,
an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep
thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam says to God,
"Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?
The rest, of course, is history.
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Thursday, April 16, 2009, 03:42 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, April 16, 2009
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things
are infinitely the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive
Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.
He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the
entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he
turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas
Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Morris Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
David, a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going
to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,
"Give me100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later David returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later David returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said David with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a Cheyenne, Wyoming texting addicted teenager
Texting without a payment plan is expensive!
CHEYENNE, Wyo. (UPI) -- A Wyoming father said he took a
hammer to his 13-year-old daughter's cell phone after she
racked up $4,756.25 in text messaging fees.
Gregg and Jaylene Christoffersen said they thought texting
was disabled on the phone used by their daughter, Dena,
because their plan with Verizon did not include the service,
KUSA-TV, Denver, reported Wednesday.
However, the service provider charged the family for each
one of the 10,000 text messages that Dena sent in a single
month.
Gregg Christoffersen said he smashed the offending phone
with a hammer and he and his wife have grounded Dena until
the end of the school year.
The couple said Verizon has agreed to reduce the bill to a
more manageable amount.
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription
on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior
to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to
bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received
the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds.
I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on
the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From Dag
Re: Name Servers
Dear Webby,
Does it make any difference where the name servers
for a domain are located? I am wondering why it takes
so long before my site starts loading up in browsers.
Dag
Dear Dag
Yes, it makes a huge difference!
If your name server is for example located in China or at
some rural ISP in Kentucky, when somebody tries to jump
to your site from a link, then their browser first has to
inquire from your domain registration about where your name
servers are. Then the name servers have to be queried for
the road map to your pages. Only then can the request for
the pages be sent to wherever they happen to be hosted.
We found that we get the fastest results by locating our
name servers in the big hub that connects the transatlantic
cables and the North American continent. With Millions of
visitors to 50,000 postcard sites, the location of the name
servers and the page servers makes a very noticeable
difference.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Californians are a strange people.
They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils,
and get so warped from snorting,
that they tell you it's bad for you
if you put sugar in your coffee!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Heel Marks on the Floor
First, the best way to prevent heel marks is to have a "no shoes"
policy in your house. If you have a heel mark you need to
remove, just rub it with a pencil eraser. A "magic" eraser works
well for removing heel marks on floors or baseboards.
For More Floor Cleaning Tips, Click Here
http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Floors_296_314.html
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The newlywed couple had been up for a while before
they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing
with John, and he greeted his new wife with glee and
excitation that morning.
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice,
sweetheart," said Jill, "breakfast will be ready."
"Great!" John said, "What are we having for
breakfast?"
And Jill said, "Toast and juice."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Geeks
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Dear Webby: How to use CHKDSK Wednesday, April 15, 2009, 02:37 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.
--- Senator Everett Dirksen
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--- Will Rogers
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following
problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth
is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to
his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised
his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered,
"A lawyer!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A patient had broken his leg and it was going to have to be
set. To get him ready for this painful event, he was heavily
sedated.
While in this "state", he spoke rather freely with the hospital
staff and with his wife. She apparently learned several things
about her husband. When it was time to reverse the
medication, the wife said
"Wait! not yet. I have some more questions I want to ask".
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Shale of Jordan
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a 17 year old dope in Kalamazoo, Michigan
Pilot's license revoked after oral sex
KALAMAZOO, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Michigan said they arrested a
17-year-old suspect for marijuana possession twice within the space
of a single hour.
The Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety said the suspect
was first arrested at about 1:30 p.m. Wednesday when officers
spotted the teenager rolling a joint, WWMT-TV, Kalamazoo,
reported. Officers said they discovered additional marijuana the
suspect had hidden beneath a nearby vehicle and he was
arrested and charged with possession of the drug.
The teenager was released after posting $100 bail.
However, the department said officers spotted the same suspect
rolling a joint at 2:20 p.m. -- les than an hour later. Officers said
they also discovered the suspect to be carrying crack cocaine.
The teenager was booked into the Kalamazoo County Jail on
charges of possessing cocaine and marijuana as well as
violating his bond conditions.
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the
room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with
me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam,"
he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."
"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds in your lower
half.
Second, you should use only about one tenth as much
rouge and lipstick as you did this morning.
And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next
floor."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Carol
Re: Chkdsk
Good Morning Webby...
When I ran my "crap cleaner" this morning, I got an error message
and I don't know what to do. The error messages was:
Windows\Temp\msmsc_QASFDtlJbNtLfJ1 is corrupt and unreadable
Please run CHKDSK UTILITY
I ran "crap cleaner" again and got the same message. I tried using run
CHKDSK and that told me it was only read ; I looked for the file and got
no where. Do you have any suggestions? I thought of deleting the
crap cleaner and then installing it again, is it the crap cleaner?
You've helped me so many times, I hate to ask for help again!
Thank you,
Carol
Dear Carol
Shooting the messenger won't fix the problem.
For chkdsk to FIX stuff, you have to type
chkdsk /f
Otherwise it just tells you what should be fixed.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up
the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for
you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,
"Heyyy!Stop! I'm on the wrong bus! I don't wanna go where
SHE goes!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Storage Pantry
Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you,
check out Thriftyfun.com
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One day a group of scientists got together and decided
that man had come a long way and no longer needed God.
So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that
they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've
decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point
that we can clone people and do many miraculous things,
so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man.
After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very
well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making
contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like
I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down
and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said,
"Nah, you got to make your own dirt!"
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Dear Webby: Bad virus infection Tuesday, April 14, 2009, 02:48 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives
but have only one course of action.
--- Frank Herbert
An English soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier
found themselves sharing a table in a Bosnian restaurant, and
the conver sation turned towards how well fed each of them was.
"In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day" said
the Russian.
"Well", said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given
4000 calories of food a day."
"That's nothing", said the American, "in the US army we have
8000 calories of food a day".
At this the Russian got very annoyed.
"Nonsense", he said, "how could one man eat that much
cabbage!!!."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
MacTavish's little boy was being questioned by the
teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five
pounds," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan
of three pounds, how many would you have left?"
"Five," said young MacTavish firmly.
"Five?" the teacher said "How do you make it five?"
"Well," replied young MacTavish "You can ask for a
loan of three pounds, but that doesn't mean you will
get it."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to David Keith Martz, 52, San Diego, California
Pilot's license revoked after oral sex
GARDENA, Calif. (UPI) -- A California helicopter pilot whose
license was revoked again after he engaged in sex acts
while in the air has lost an appeal to be reinstated.
David Keith Martz, 52, was grounded by the Federal Aviation
Administration after a video surfaced online in February that
depicted the pilot receiving oral sex from a porn actress
while flying above the waterfront in downtown San Diego,
the San Diego Union-Tribune reported Wednesday.
The revocation of Martz's license was upheld Tuesday by
an administrative law judge at the National Transportation
Safety Board in Gardena, Calif.
Martz, a commercial pilot, argued during the hearing that
he had corrected any defects in his flying skills since he
received a suspension last year on an unrelated matter.
The pilot can appeal the judge's decision to the National
Transportation Safety Board.
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park
said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks.
Wherever did they come from?"
"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.
"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.
"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice,
"have gone back for more rocks."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rae
Re: Bad infection
Dear Webby
Many thanks for all your good information, jokes, news articles
and pictures. Your father's cacti blooms are just beautiful.
I vote for your letter daily.
My XP, service pack 2, is bringing me to tears now. It's been
crashing off and on when I'm on line, plus had some other
problems. I know so little about correcting them so decided
to get a free Panda scan, fearing I may have that Conficker
worm. The scan found things that needed to be taken off,
so I tried to order their paid offer. When I type, the provided
form spaces remain blank. After trying several times,
I gave up.
Now I find no forms will accept my key strokes and I cannot
even vote for you. I have Norton, but it doesn't find anything.
Any help you can give would be so appreciated. I'm far
from computer savvy.
Thanks much,
Rae
Dear Rae
It sounds like your machine has been infected with something
that is more powerful than Norton and Panda, and that prevents
Norton and Panda from working.
Copy all the stuff, that you want to keep, onto CD's or DVDs,
and do a full re-install from the XP set-up disk.
You don't need to copy the programs, you have to re-install
those anyway. Just copy pictures, music and documents.
After re-installing XP, immediately get the SP3 blocker
and the IE7 blocker. Then let Windows do an update from
2001 to 2009.
Next get some serious anti virus program.
Obviously, Norton and Panda are not strong enough for the
roads you travel, so I would recommend McAfee. It is $34 a year.
Then get Spybot-Search&Destroy and whatever you want from
my Toolbox at http://webby.com/tools
You might also want to grab a free
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Say "No" to Pizza Delivery
Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you,
check out Thriftyfun.com
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A guy goes to a doctor and says:
"Doctor, my wife has lost her voice, a week ago...."
"And you are afraid she'll find it again ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Frogs
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Monday, April 13, 2009, 03:06 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, April 13, 2009
Free advice is worth the price.
--- Robert Half
Discretion is not the better part of biography.
--- Lytton Strachey,
There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and Thorn wanted to get his
wife some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this
big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic
women all trying to get at the merchandise. Thorn remained calm for as
long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively,
and plowed through the crowd of women.
I can just see him. When I worked with Thorn, he was a model of patience,
up to a point. After that it was a lot safer to be out of tool throwing range.
"Hey you!", an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like
a gentleman!".
"That's what I HAVE BEEN doing," Thorn retorted, "But since that
doesn't work in this zoo, I'm gonna try to act like you wimin!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Bo was telling the little ones of how it was when
he was a young boy in Brooklyn, in Manhattan's
immigrant ghetto.
"When I was a kid," he said, "we didn't even have a
radio. So our dad bored a hole through the wall into
the living room of the Irish couple in the next apartment,
to hear all the great boxing fights.
That's when we discovered that they didn't have a radio
either, and the fights we heard through the wall were live."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of her balcony friend:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Beth Maynard, 14, in Port Pierce, Florida
Police: Girl threw pretzels at officer
FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a 14-year-old
girl was arrested after she allegedly threw a bag of pretzels at a
sergeant and twice tossed her shoe at an officer.
Investigators said Beth Maynard, 14, was one of several patients
under police supervision Thursday night at Lawnwood Regional
Medical Center & Heart Institute in Fort Pierce, TCPalm.com
reported.
Police did not say why the girl was in the hospital.
The police report of the incident says Maynard "walked around
with an attitude" and threatened to strike an officer with her
shoe if he did not stop looking at her.
The teenager continued to give the officer "dirty looks" and
twice threw her shoe at him, hitting the officer's foot, the
report says. It states that a police sergeant arrived and the
scene and the girl threw a bag of pretzels that struck him
in the chest.
Maynard was arrested and charged with felony battery
of an officer.
-----------------
Let's hope the brat gets the hint before she throws a knife.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine
snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a
newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like
"well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but
was used to the infusion of French words into the local
vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently,
"C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Roland
Re: Driver Cure
Dear Webby
Seen this DriverCure and wondering if you have
something like this?
Roland
Dear Roland
Our computers seem to work just fine without that.
I never came across a driver that needed fixing,
except the ones on the road.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit
filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing
from the section through which the railroad passed. The
rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the
peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker
attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher
and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to
take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check
and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist
gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
"You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was
asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train
went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I
was a little worried about winning that case myself, because
that durned bull came home this morning."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dorm Room Necessities
Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to
http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A rather boring joke I heard today reminded me of a fun incicent.
Many years ago when I was taking a required course in the
process of becoming an electrician, we also had to take some
basics physics. Personally, I always loved physics, probably
because deep down inside I am still a kid that is fascinated by
anything that makes noise or moves. Most of the people in the
class hated physics, and one guy in particular did a lot of
complaining about it and asking why it was necessary.
Finally the instructor had enough and he told him that
physics was required to save his live.
Naturally the guy fell for that straight line
and asked how physics would save his live.
"It saves lives", the instructor yelled at him, "because it
keeps you from finishing the course, and because if you
passed my class and then later burned down a house with
your lack of knowledge, I'd have to go and shoot you."
That guy quit the course right there
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada
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Dear Webby: How to GPS locate a phone Sunday, April 12, 2009, 03:55 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!
That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people
by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by
doing what you know is wrong.
--- William J. H. Boetcker
A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an
early release for her husband who was serving time in a
state penitentiary.
" What's is in for ?", asked the Governor.
" For stealing a ham."
" That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
" No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy."
" Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?"
" No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to
know the truth."
" Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
" Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked
the Sunday school teacher. All the eager children raised their
hands except Little Johnny.
"I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home
after Sunday school," explained Little Johnny.
Thanks to Pam at http://www.chinookcountrypost.com/ for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19 in
Boynton Beach, Florida
Burglary shown Live On The Internet
APRIL 9--A Florida woman who used a live Internet video feed
to monitor the interior of her home was shocked yesterday,
when she saw two men burglarizing her residence in real time.
Jeanne Thomas, 43, was seated at her office desk when two
strangers appeared in her living room (the intruders got into
Thomas's Boynton Beach house through a doggie door at the
rear of the home, according to the below probable cause affidavit).
Thomas, who set up the live video stream after her home was
burglarized last October, immediately called 911 to report the
burglary .Cops raced to her home and arrested the two men
inside the house: Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19.
Two other suspects--Scott George and Jonathan Cruz, both 20--
were nabbed at a nearby residence and charged with helping
plan the burglary. The amazing surveillance video from inside
Thomas's house was uploaded to YouTube by the Boynton
Beach Police Department
Mug shots of the four perps, who were booked into the Palm Beach
County Sheriff's Office lockup, are on The Smoking Gun site too.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... nton1.html
Burglary and arrest video
-------------
Look, Ma! Curtis and Steven are on the Internet!
St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and
found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called
to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?",
St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .
The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have
anyone available for that..",
St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's
your turn to fix the gate..!" ,
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and
there just isn't anyone available..."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way
you want it, we'll sue..!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just
where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann D
Re: How do you GPS track a phone?
Dear Webby
How exactly do you find the location of a phone?
Ann D
Dear Ann
I don't use a cell phone, so I had to ask some friends who do.
Apparently different companies use different ways,
and what works for Verizon won't necessarily work for Sprint.
Here are some URLs they sent me
Take your pick:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9qS6bAMPU
http://googlemapsmania.blogspot.com/200 ... -june.html
http://www.spymastertools.com/
http://www.accutracking.com/
With Verizon you buy two and configure one as the master.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
After the last child moves out of the house, Mom and Dad
announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally
distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous
marriage counselor as a last effort at keeping their parents
together.
The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but
the couple still won't even talk to each other.
Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful
violin and begins to play. After a minute, the couple start
talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the violin and the
couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and
decide to give their marriage another try.
The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed to
do it. He replies, "Well, I've never yet seen a couple that
wouldn't talk through a violin solo."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tips for Job Hunting
When hunting for a job, do not confine yourself to the newspapers,
or online ads, as less than 30% of the available jobs are ever
posted there. One of the reasons for this is the cost, and
another is the time that would have to be wasted screening
applicants. One way to find a job is to get out and truly pound the
pavement. I have seen may help wanted signs out there, and
even if it isn't your dream job, it may be the one that gets the
bills paid until something else can be found.
By Shari from Greer, SC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Lisa for this one:
My father, in the hospital after surgery to repair a
hip replacement, needed assistance to get on and off
the toilet and the bedpan. 89 years old, he was also
extremely modest and had a tough time dealing with
the matter-of-fact ways nursing personnel dealt with
bodily functions.
One time two aides put him on the bedpan and stood by
the bed waiting for him to finish. He looked at them
and said. "It'll cost you a quarter to watch."
Another time an aide put him on the toilet and left.
When she came back about 5 minutes later, she asked
if he was done yet. He looked at her in all
seriousness and asked, "Why, do you need to use it?"
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Dear Webby: Prepare laptop for travel to Europe Saturday, April 11, 2009, 03:52 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, April 11, 2009
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are
running from, and to, and why.
--- James Thurber
Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
--- Malcolm Forbes
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"
one asked.
"He got this hare brained notion he was going
to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from
a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from
a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Thanks to Connie for this:
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do
nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with
that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat
yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you
mean business. You swat anyone who bothers
you or your cubs. If your cubs get out of line,
you swat them too. I could deal with that, too.
Your husband expects you to growl when you
wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and
excess body fat. I could deal with that, too.
I wish I was a bear.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a drunk in La Crosse, Wisconsin
Lost man tracked by cell phone GPS chip
LA CROSSE, Wis. (UPI) -- A Wisconsin man, who got lost while
bicycling home from a party, got help from police who tracked
him by the GPS chip in his cell phone.
La Crosse police also gave the man a ticket after discovering
that his blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, the
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported.
The man told police he had been drinking in a bar and then
went on to a house party. When he realized he was lost on
his trip home, he first took a nap and then used his cell phone
to call police for help.
Police dispatchers got in touch with the company providing
his cell-phone service, who were able to get his location from
the GPS chip.
-------------
He could have called a jealous or concerned wife or secretary.
Most of them know how to track a guy, as long as he is carrying
a cell phone. They get the coordinates without him even
realizing it, and punch them into Google Earth. That shows
them in a few seconds exactly where he is, within a few feet.
Then they can use Google Earth to plot the route from
there to where he wants to go.
Some on-line sites even tell you how fast somebody is moving,
and in which direction. No more sneaking into the hardware
department or the computer isle!
On my first day of school my parents told me
to go to the nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes,
having a great time. It's too bad they got more
specific about which nursery when there was
no semester report card.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Gordon
Re: Trip to Germany
Good morning Webby.
Your letter is the first thing that pops up on my screen every
morning. Thanks for the chuckles each morning and a
chance to vote for so many worthy causes, including your
newsletter.
Keep up the good work!!
Now for my questions:
I am planning a trip to Germany soon and wonder if you can
give me some advice on taking my laptop computer along.
It is a fairly large screen Dell so I'd prefer to pack it in my
check-in luggage.
- is it safe to pack it in my check-in luggage or is it best to
take it as carry on?
- the hotel I am going to says wireless Internet is available
at a cost of 3.95 Euros for 30 minutes or 30 Euros per day.
I will be there for 8 days so this translates in about $50 Cdn
per day!! Any suggestions?
- any advice of the best kind of power converter to get and
where to buy it?
Thanks for any help you can give me on this.
Gordon
Dear Gordon
1) Get a Samsonite or similar back-pack briefcase for the laptop.
If you have ever seen how they slam checked luggage onto the
bottom roller of the conveyor, when they load the plane, and
listen for the tinkle of cracked screens, you will NEVER allow
your laptop into checked luggage. And they always heave it
onto the conveyor roller upside down, to make sure they nail
your screen.
The Samsonite back-pack briefcase has the back-pack hoops
and also a wide single shoulder strap and a briefcase handle.
The briefcase handle is wide enough so that it just fits over
the extended handle of your wheeled carry-on. Hanging over
the front of the wheeled carry-on it balances it nicely so that
you have to neither lift nor push down, as you wheel it through
endless airports.
Find out what kind of plane you will be on, and use a wheeled
carry-on that is allowed on that plane. With the new economy
planes those dimensions seem to shrink every year.
Measure your laptop case. Since it sounds like you have a
standard 4:3 ratio screen and not the sawed off yuppie screen,
it will not fit under the seats except on window seats on most
of today's planes. Get your seat early and if necessary mention
that fact to secure a window seat,
2) Get a decent hotel!
If they rip you off on the connection, they will rip you off on
other stuff too. Holiday Inn, Holiday Inn Express, and Best Western
usually have free WIFI, or at least Ethernet free and included.
You can book those hotels on-line.
3) Get outlet adapters for Germany, Austria and Switzerland.
They are dirt cheap on-line, but usually hard to find locally.
Here are two sites:
http://www.hillmerstravelcenter.com/Pages/AdPlugs.html
http://www.adaptelec.com/travel-plug-adapters-c-1.html
I also carry a straight and a Philips screwdriver (no need for a
square socket Robertson screwdriver, the Europeans are not
that advanced yet) and some alligator patch cords. That lets
me get into lamps and radios if the nearest free outlet is too
far away. In Europe most hotel rooms are very long and
extremely narrow, and with very few outlets.
I also carry a 25 foot lightweight Christmas lighting extension
cord with a miniature six outlet power bar on the female end.
You don't have to worry about the higher voltage and lower
frequency they use. Your laptop charger can handle that.
The same goes for anything that has a power cube or charger.
And don't forget a sheet of plexiglass cut to just fit into the
lid of your suitcase!
You can jam that into a partially opened dresser drawer for
an instant table at comfortable computing height. Most hotels
have low lounging chairs and high tables, forcing you to
type at chin level. Leave the protective paper on the plexiglass.
Otherwise your optical mouse won't work, plus it is handy for
scribbling phone numbers and stuff.
Keep your road warrior kit in your laptop case. That way, if your
suitcase is delayed, you can still get on-line.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
According to George, home is where you can
say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to
you anyway.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use a Drapery Rod for a Changeable Headboard
I used a wooden drapery rod to make a holder for fabric or a
quilt or bedspread to use as a headboard. It is cheap, fast,
and can be changed quickly. Just be sure to use lightweight
fabrics, or put a support in the center of the pole for heavy
items. You can make it as high or as low as you like. This
is now my favorite headboard. By Susan from Mulberry, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Millie: What do you do at your Bible Studies meeting ?
Susan: We try to figure out how much can we can
get away with and still go to heaven.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mud Bugs
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Dear Webby: movies stop every few seconds Friday, April 10, 2009, 02:12 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, April 10, 2009
Time to wear something red to show our support for the troops!
" I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of
fools. Let's start with typerwriters."
--- Frank Lloyd Wright
Thanks to Jai for this story:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they
saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff
legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend:
"I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people
walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly
and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way
you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might
have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me
what you two fine medical students think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...
But you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought...
But you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...
But I was wrong!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Thanks to Frank for this story:
*Parking Tickets*
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.
I went into the local Coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes,
and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
His sensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo...'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that said,
*'Obama in '08.'*
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Alexei Roskov, 22 in Moscow
Russian man survives five storey fall - twice
A Russian man survived after downing three bottles of vodka
and leaping from a fifth floor balcony - twice.
Alexei Roskov says he jumped the second time because he
couldn't take his wife's nagging about the first time.
Wife Yekaterina had watched in horror as her drunken hubsand
opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, and
hurled himself out.
Astonishingly Mr Roskov, 22, survived and managed to stagger
back upstairs with barely a scratch after the 50ft fall.
But while his wife called for an ambulance and began to scold him,
he jumped again. Amazed medics treated Mr Roskov for minor cuts
and bruises before releasing him.
Mr Roskov says he is now teetotal after giving up drinking.
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.
"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.
The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze,
you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa.
"How else can I catch my teeth?"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Maggie
Re: Video pauses
Dear Webby;
Thanks for all the great help you give, and for a great
newsletter.
My problem is... just about every video I try to play keeps
stoping and starting every few seconds throughout the
whole thing.
Would you have any idea what the problem is? It hasn't
always been this way.
I have Windows XP, service pack 3.
Thanks so much for your time and attention to this matter.
Maggie
Dear Maggie
That's just your connection speed.
Your ISP is delivering it slower than it plays,
so it pauses until it has another 10-15 seconds worth,
plays that and waits for more to dribble in.
Just hit PAUSE and wait until the faintly colored bar has
completed.
THEN play it.
You can check your connection speed at
http://internetfrog.com/mypc/speedtest/
If it is significantly lower than what you are paying for,
call your ISP and complain. Quite often they restrict
your speed behind your back, and you have to nag
at them to get reasonable speed again. I have to call
my ISP about that about once a month.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two not too very bright city guys decided to go into the dairy
business. They drove up to a dairy farm and asked the owner if
he had any cows for sale.
The owner had been trying to get rid of a non performing bull for
years told them he would let his best producing cow go for a
mere one thousand dollars.
The 2 guys said wonderful and loaded up the bull and left.
They got back to their place and tried to milk the bull but didn't
get any milk. So one of the guys ran back to the farmer to find out
how to get the milk flowing. The farmer told them they had to
make the cow drink plenty of water and then pump the tail up and
down. Satisfied the city slicker went back and he and his partner
pushed the bull down to the stream.
Well, the bull wasn't very thirsty and didn't drink so one guy held
the bulls head in the water and the other guy pumped igorously
with the tail. About that time the bull decided to take advantage of
the raised tail and to dump some solids. The guy pumping yelled
to his friend "Raise his head he is sucking mud."
--------
Well, he sure would not try to hold the head of one of the 2500
pound bulls they have around here. Those bulls flip a car over if
they don't like it's color.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Spare Change Adds Up
I have been saving my husband's and my spare change for years.
This year I decided to document every "cash-in", to see exactly
how much change that we wound up with at the end of the year.
I have always used this money as a rainy-day fund, like when I
was absolutely out of money, needed gas for the car, or an
unexpected item from the grocery store. This year, I determined
to earmark the money for a special project. I started collecting in
January, and planned to use the money for garden expenses.
If I used any of the money in the jar, then I made note of how
much was taken, and put a reminder to repay it in the jar.
This way, I was able to: 1. See how much money that I was
able to save from just loose change, and 2. Keep up with how
much was spent on my garden in a year's time.
By November I had saved almost $600. By Carole from Locust Fork, AL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light
bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-
out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep
discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to
be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to
help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their
agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're
out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one
millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make
that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only
with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient
Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a
stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is
energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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Thanks for your votes!
If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your
favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and
greet you properly from then on.
If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend,
but don't have time to subscribe her or him,
just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you.
To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com
If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time,
then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift
subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at
http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there.
If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter,
please unsubscribe by clicking the link below:
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Dear Webby: Vista Problem Thursday, April 9, 2009, 02:39 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, April 9, 2009
History is the version of past events that people have
decided to agree upon.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte
Anything too stupid to be said is sung.
--- Voltaire
One day this old lady walks into the doctors office
and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in
and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have
awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's
completely silent, and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives
her some pills and tells her to take one everyday
and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back,
and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better
she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but
now my gas smells terribly!"
The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your
sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Sign at the church:
Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Grass Mud Horses grazing
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a 19 year old drunk in Alice Springs, Australia
Driving while drunk and breastfeeding
Police in Australia arrested a teenage mum - for
breastfeeding while driving her car.
Just before she was pulled over in Alice Springs, the 19-year-old
mum almost crashed into a police car, reports The Sun.
She was so drunk she couldn't give a breath test - and already
banned from driving from a previous offence.
Apart from driving while disqualified, the woman was also
driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle.
Northern Territory Duty Superintendent Jamie Chalker said
police were "absolutely outraged".
He said: "A five-month-old child was placed at significant
risk, and had the police officers not been able to brake to
avoid the collision, then the outcome could've been even
horrific."
Supt Chalker said this was the first time he had ever heard
of a mother being caught driving while breastfeeding.
"It just challenges the mind that people can choose to be so
flippant about road laws and people's lives, particularly their
young children," he said.
The baby was placed in the care of relatives.
The young mum was charged with failing to provide a breath
sample, driving while disqualified in an unregistered and
uninsured car, failing to give way and driving with an
unrestrained child.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American
people than golf has.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Duane
Re: Vista problem
Hi Webby,
I have Vista home and even thouth my recycle bin is empty,
I keep getting the pop up that I am running low on space and
the file needs emptying. What can I do to turn it off??
Thanks,
Duane
Dear Duane
For all Vista problems, contact M$
I don't allow Vista onto any Webby computers,
and have no experience with it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
----------------------------------
To err is human,
but to really foul things up requires a commitee.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Party Idea: Garden Themed Potato Bar
Fill an oval tin ice bucket with hot baked potatoes. Use
different containers such as a decorative flower pot to
hold shredded cheese, use the flower pot saucers to
hold the bacon bits or another condiment.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're
standing before their sergeant:
"How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war
broke out?"
"Well, Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried
away with the performance."
"Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I know you turkeys got
good and drunk, but I doubt you got drunk enough on YOUR
salary to wind up in the opera!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dunes
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Dear Webby, what is the best way to back up a computer? Wednesday, April 8, 2009, 02:54 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Abstract art is a product of the untalented,
sold by the unprincipled
to the utterly bewildered.
--- Al Capp
There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
--- Cicero
Bob took his 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for
dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As they were eating hamburgers, Josh asked
"Daddy, what are these little things on the
hamburger buns?"
He responded that they were tiny seeds and
were ok to eat.He was quiet for a couple of minutes
and obviously in deep thought.
Finally, Josh looked up and said,
"Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our
backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to
last forever."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
The pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever"messages.
He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting
to the "good part," when a member of his congregation died.
Rushing to his office, he dialed 911.
When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out 51
people before they finally got one who didn't wake up when
they got him to fresh air.
Thanks to Joan for this picture:
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Leon Edwards, 28 of Avondale, Ohio
Sent in by Karl
350-pound man damages bus
Leon Edwards refused to get off a Metro bus Monday, setting off
a chain of events that forced the driver to stop, disrupting
the bus line.
A bus driver demanded the 28-year-old Avondale man get off
the 78 line bus at Leggett Street and Medosch Avenue in
Lincoln Heights at 9 p.m.
Edwards is accused of leaning his 350-pound body into the
bus door until the glass shattered and threatening to stab
the driver, Lincoln Heights police said.
Then Edwards fled.
He is now facing charges of vandalism, aggravated menacing
and disrupting public service.
Officers caught up to Edwards a short distance away. He was
carrying a knife, according to a report.
Hamilton County Municipal Judge Ted Berry set bond for
Edwards at $17,500. Berry added that if Edwards posts bond
he may not ride Metro busses.
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door,
and shouted:
"Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say
good night. What you must realize, is that when I say
"Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$%$@# up!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a voice
bellowed out from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Steve
Re: Back Up
Dear Webby,
Once again I am in need of your help.
Using XP what is the best way & best media to back up critical files?
Is it better to back up to CD's or an external drive? Do you
recommend one drive over another?
Is there a Webby Approved back up program, like Diskeeper is to
defrag, better than the one on XP?
Your time & advice is greatly appreciated.
Keep up the superb work on the newsletter. The world is a
better place for it.
Thanx,
Steve J.
Dear Steve
Backups are like motorcycle helmets.
1) Some people have nothing worth protecting, and in their case
they are a waste of time and money.
2) They are only good if they are used regularly
Floppies and CDs are a nuisance, and not worth the hassle,
unless you keep them at the bank in your safety deposit box.
External drives are easy to use, but again, keep in mind that
they should be stored far away from the computer.
Best, by far, is online back-up. You pay $4.95 - $250 a month
and back up an unlimited amount of stuff any time you want,
automatically. However, if you are on slow dial-up, forget it.
You need reasonable up/downloading speed.
The best of those is Mozy
Up to 2 GB free, $4.95 a month for unlimited. Buy it for a
year and get 3 months free. It has an easy configurator
that suggests what to back up and lets you add anything
you want to that list. I like it enough, so that I put it into my
tool box at http://webby.com/tools
The initial back-up takes a long time, but after that it only
backs up what is new or has changed. And it does it quitely,
whenever the machine has been idle for 20 minutes.
If you don't have a reasonably good Internet connection, get
yourself any external hard drive that fits into your budget.
You can get a small paperback book size TeraByte (1000 GB)
external drive for $100, or one that fits into a shirt pocket and
is thinner than the padding in most bras, but holds 160 GB
and cost around $50.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my
husband."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is
yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier
than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with
me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Easter Basket Items
When making Easter baskets, keep in mind such things as
colorful pencils, fancy erasers, sugar free candies, cute little
stuffed animals, flavored lip balm or gloss, crayons, colored
pencils, modeling clay or Play-dough (or make your own).
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Jill wanted to convince Susan, a continually harried friend, that
she needed to find ways to relax. She invited her to dinner and,
while she was busy cooking, Susan agreed to watch her
videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.
Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed Jill
the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."
"But it's a 70-minute video," Jill replied. "You couldn't have
watched the whole thing."
"Yes, I did," Susan assured her. "I put it on fast-forward."
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Dear Webby: Lost QuickLaunch Tuesday, April 7, 2009, 04:33 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The average man, who does not know what to do with his life,
wants another one which will last forever.
--- Anatole France
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
--- Niels Bohr
A man dies and goes to heaven, and Saint Peter asks him
what religion he belongs to. The man tells him, and Saint
Peter says, "Oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we
have a special room for all of you, so you can all be together."
He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either
side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and
hollering inside.
"Who's in that room?" the man asks.
"Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make
a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".
They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its
hinges.
"Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the
Shakers," replies Saint Peter.
Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the
man, "We must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make
a sound."
They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the
hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.
"Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones
up here!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a
fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd
in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet
the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my
husband pretty upset."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Eric Akia in Boulder County, Colorado
Sent in by Karl
A family of six was burned out of their straw-bale home in
Boulder County early Friday after an attempt to thaw pipes
with a blowtorch set the structure on fire.
Cmdr. Rick Brough, spokesman for the Boulder County Sheriff's
Office, said the owner, Eric Akia, was in the crawl space
attempting to thaw frozen pipes when the fire started.
Akia's wife and four children were inside the house, but escaped.
Akia and his wife were treated at a hospital in Estes Park for
possible smoke inhalation. The family lost almost everything,
including their pet fish, Brough said. The family's three dogs,
cat, parrot and pig were saved.
The secluded home was on an unplowed road, making it difficult
for firefighters to reach. Snowplows had to first clear the road.
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of
coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will
be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has
been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your
cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of
coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
streets."
Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8
inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the..."
and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the
instructions.
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage
today, they won't notice."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosemary
Re: Lost Quick-Launch
Dear Webby,
I just lost all my quick launch toolbar at the lower left.
How do I get them back?
Rosemary
Dear Rosemary
Try right-clicking the Status bar
click on Tool Bars
and put the checkmark onto QUICK LAUNCH
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like
an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and
forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"...
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in
interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next
door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she
said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make a "What To Do" List for Idle Moments
Have you ever wondered how some people get more done than others?
I have always believed that wasting time is as bad as wasting resources
or money. I started taking stock of how much time I spend waiting for
something, and the numbers will astound you! Example: I spend 30
hours a year waiting for my coffee to brew! If you spend 5 minutes a
day, that comes out to be just about 30 hours per year! I spend about
twice that waiting for a bus! And don't even get my started on the 20
minutes per hour that is nothing but commercials on each and every
show I watch! So, I compiled a list of what I do while I wait. I hope this
will help you not only in your time management, but perhaps even help
you eliminate some things you may be doing that you don't even like!
By Sandra from Salem, OR
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very
heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and
go home the next day.
When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes
back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy
paper bag.
So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?"
"I went home to get my pajamas!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mars
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Dear Webby: External Hard Drive Monday, April 6, 2009, 04:10 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, April 6, 2009
Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius.
A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
--- Joe Theismann, Former quarterback
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees
that it is old enough to know better.
--- Socratex
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives
alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,
loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes
out and finding the politicians, buries them with his front
end loader.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the
man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police
officer. "Were they all dead?"
The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know
how politicians lie."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in
New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing
rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight.
That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I
can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink
with me?"
The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the
kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of
beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old
man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you
catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful
smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Thanks to dad for this picture:
This one bloomed today (amongst 27 others, different ones)
The other ones are at http://dawna.com
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the White House
White House gives out sex line number
Journalists hoping to interview Hillary Clinton on the G20
summit were surprised when the number they were given
turned out to be a phone sex line.
The White House accidentally listed a sex line number for
journalists seeking an "on-the-record briefing call with
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security
Advisor Jim Jones", reports Fox News.
Journalists who dialled the number heard a soft-voiced female
recording, that was clearly not Clinton, asking for a credit card
number if you "feel like getting nasty".
After several efforts to make sure that the phone number was
correctly dialled, a call to the White House resulted in a corrected
press release.
"If you are having trouble dialling into the call, please try this number
as an alternative," it said, and listed the international line included
for reporters abroad to dial.
By this time, the conference call was already under way.
Asked for comment, in typical Democrat fashion, Deputy White
House Press Secretary Bill Burton tried to shift the blame onto Fox:
"A corrected phone number on a press release is probably one
of the stupider things Fox News has covered lately."
A rich woman was giving a garden party with many wealthy
guests in attendance. While the party was going on, two
gardeners were doing yard work on the rear lawn. While
one of the guests was watching him, one of the gardeners
suddenly jumped into the air and performed numerous
graceful swirling dance movements.
The guest remarked to his hostess, "That man is such a
talented dancer, I'd pay him $100 to dance before all of the
guests!"
When the hostess asked the head gardener about making
such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for
$100 you could step on that rake again?"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Thomas
Re: External Hard Drive
Does anyone use an External hard drive, I read on some reviews
that people have some problems with them, just would like to get
some feed back.
Thomas
Dear Thomas
If you can walk and chew gum under competent supervision,
then you won't have problems with external drives. The problems
with "Plug-and-Play" were solved with the Pentium 11 years ago.
Just get a $10 - $20 USB hard drive enclosure and a hard drive
that fits into it. The shirt pocket size enclosures need laptop drives,
the paperback book size enclosures are for the big 5 1/4" drives.
Price is about the same.
Stick a new drive, or one from a retired machine, into it,
plug the unit into a USB port and it shows up as a new hard drive.
Considering that 80 GB drives are available for around $35,
and TeraByte (1000 GB) for under $100, it's hardly worth digging
an old 4 GB drive out of an old machine, but if you are in a hurry,
old drives definitely DO work fine. Just do a deep format on them
to lock out bad clusters.
You can even get "Open" enclosures, that look like a phone
re-charging stand. You drop the remote drive of the day into it,
and do your back-up. When done, pick it up like a phone, and
stick it into your shirt pocket. Make sure you remove it, before
you heave the shirt into the washing machine!
I have used external drives daily since the mid 90's and never
had a problem with them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to
try to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until
he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large brown cow with a white spot over the right
eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes!"
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the Farmer.
"She only knows tractors and diesels, but doesn't really have
a clue about gasoline engines."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Getting More Pop Out of Your Popcorn
When making popcorn, I have found it is better not to heat
the oil on a high heat at first. I know this may sound stupid,
but the kernels get more more heat distribution if you start
out slow. (Think: You don't cook prime rib steak on blazing
heat from the get go; you'll end up burning parts and other
parts will be undercooked.) After hearing the first few kernels
pop, turn up the heat. Cook as normal.
By Tim from Science Hil, KY
That might be fine for KY hillbillies, who murder steaks on
lukewarm griddles, instead of doing them right and juicy
on a hot BBQ.
With Popcorn I found that the method used to pop makes
very little difference, if you have good kernels.
If and when the inside of them gets hot enough, they pop.
Popcorn, slowly popped in a tobacco tin sitting on the exhaust
manifold of a hard working cat, tastes just as good as quickly
popped microwave popcorn.
You don't need any oil if you are popping it in a cast iron
frying pan with a lid. Just make sure it is not too hot and
singes the kernels.
For extra flavor my favorite is Italian salad herbs and spices
and a bit of salt stirred into melted butter and sprayed over
the popcorn, when it is still hot.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water
and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the
pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the
church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was
run by water."
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Dear Webby: Installing XP onto a Vista machine Sunday, April 5, 2009, 03:33 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, April 5, 2009
The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
--- Henry Stimson
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's
four-year-old son had to stay home from church with
a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying
palm branches, he asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
his mother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday
I didn't go, He showed up!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
One night a father was helping his son with his homework.
The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?".
The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach ?
Broccoli ?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Henderson Canyon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Fernandez, in Elkhart, Indiana
School Warns Parents Dead Daughter Can’t Attend Prom
Apparently a “software error” led a high school in Manchester,
U.K. to send a disturbing letter to a couple saying their
daughter needs to improve her attendance or she can’t
go to the prom.
The only problem is the teen died two months ago.
The letter said Megan Gillan’s attendance was 60.4 percent,
but the school requires its students to maintain a 92 percent
attendance record.
“I screamed when I first saw it,” said her mother Margaret Gillan.
“If they want her to attend that much, I’ll take Megan’s remains.
It’s disgusting."
Gillan was found dead January 19 in her bedroom at her
parent’s home. The school letter was dated March 16.
The cause of Megan’s death is still unknown, and an inquest
is expected in the next few months.
“Megan would have loved going to the prom,” her mother said.
“She planned to go with a group of friends, she was really
looking forward to it.”
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had
become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his
local library branch.
A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties,
called him into her office.
She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that
when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And
you carry that with you to your new job, which is very
commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you
can't just - "
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia
Britannica ?"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: CJW
Re: Is Installing XP onto a Vista machine
Is this possibile and any special steps other than
backing up files.
under Drives it says Acer C and Data D acer C is almost full
Data D is empty
520 gb hard drive split between the two.
thanks,
cjw
Dear CJW
Yes, sure, no problem at all.
Upload your keepers onto the web or burn them onto CDs or DVDs,
D: is usually the CD / DVD
Then you probably also have a hidden DOS partition with diagnostics.
Here is how I partition:
C: (BOOT) 12 GB. I keep it small and fast and reserve it
JUST for Winows. That makes defrag and virus checking a snap.
E: (Programs) ALL programs go onto this partition, but JUST
the programs
F: (Work) All files produced with the programs and anything
downloaded
G: (Diag) Diagnostic stuff and ancient programs that run in DOS,
not Windows
D: (CD/DVD)
H: (Remote) USB Hard Drive
I: Chip Reader (Camera chips)
C:. E:, and F: I run in NTFS mode, and G: in FAT16 mode.
If you don't have a partition manager, Easus is free at the
link in my tool box. Some places charge $60 for it.
You can partition before or after upgrading to XP.
Personally, I prefer to get rid of the VISTA dumpster-ware
as fast as possible, and then partition later, in XP.
Once you have your keepers safely backed up, insert the
XP set-up CD and elbow the ENTER key a bunch of times,
whenever it asks for an OK..
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-
viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this
career?" he asked.
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my
father," the student replied.
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the
dean much impressed.
"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Gardening On A Budget
I think that the easiest way to garden on a budget is to have
patience and to gain a collection of plants that are simple
propagators; for example Sedum. You can break a piece from
the mother plant and plunge it into the ground and it will stay
green and thrive. The following year will bring you a hardy new
plant with multiple stalks to fill out more and more with each
year. I also like to buy hardy plants that can be safely split,
like day-lilies already bloomed. These often get discounted
after the flowers are gone. Take it home and slice it in half
and plant it. You will have two fuller plants the following year,
and it may re-bloom late summer. You can save a lot of
money by asking for clippings, buds, or seeds from friends
and family or by purchasing one plant and having some
patience. By Gina from Collegeville, PA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men.
Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time,
and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the
game. What questions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like,
"Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
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Dear Webby, is XP-SP3 safe now? Saturday, April 4, 2009, 02:52 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, April 4, 2009
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being
good at billiards or golf.
--- H. L. Mencken
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the
answer but wish we didn't.
--- Erica Jong
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
--- Rita Mae Brown
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked
together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival
had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with
one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us!
We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6
new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that
a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St.
Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why,"
she scoffed.
The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened
and he replied, "Maybe the horses are getting too old now?"
Thanks to Nita for this picture:
Dear Webby,
This is a pair of wood ducks that landed in our back yard.
Nita
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Fernandez, in Elkhart, Indiana
Sloppy Burglar
ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- Police in Indiana said a burglary
victim was arrested along with the suspected perpetrator
after officers confiscated more than 31 pounds of marijuana.
Investigators said Juan Trujillo, 21, was jailed on suspicion
of burglary and marijuana possession, both felonies, after
police found him with 30.24 pounds of marijuana that he
allegedly took from the Elkhart home during the burglary,
the Elkhart Truth reported.
Cpl. Scott Hauser said the renter of the house, identified
by his surname Fernandez, arrived home and gave police
permission to search inside, where they discovered an
additional 14 ounces of marijuana.
Fernandez was arrested on marijuana possession charges.
He could face up to three years in prison if convicted.
--------------
Gee, can't even count on burglars to take all the dope any more!
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied.
"What's it for?" asked the first boy.
"I don't know," the second boy answered.
"But if grown-ups stand on it, don't go near them for ten minutes.
That thing makes them mad."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: Is SP3 safe
Hi Webby,
Thanks again for your reply. I don't know if I am in the 45% range.
If I do download SP3 and it screws up my computer will I be able
to delete it and replace SP 2.
Bob
Dear Bob
For many people with older machines it forces Windows to reboot
before it fully loads.
Formatting and re-installing XP
and the SP3 Blocker
returns the machine to full function.
Of course, your collection of .... ahem, prayers and recipes, are gone.
For many people it forces Windows to reboot before it fully loads.
Formatting and re-installing XP
and the SP3 Blocker
returns the machine to full function.
Of course, your collection of ...., ahem prayers and recipes,
are gone.
All of our machines work just fine with SP2, and I don't plan
to waste time gambling with SP3.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and
peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed
to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed
to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his
hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and then
some poor, innocent kid has to memorize all about it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stock Up When Your Brand Goes on Sale
If you're "brand loyal" and don't want to give that up, stock
up when "your" brand is on sale. The store I work at
generally has Pepsi products on sale one week, and
Coke products the next. Or if the brand is not that
important, buy only what is on sale. By Bailegirl
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency
room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as
they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan, he stirred
and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Californian and the
Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young
to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return
to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him
the $50, and the next thing I knew was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what
happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was
haggling over the price and the Californian was waiting for
the government to pay his."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
London Fog
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Dear Webby: Yahoo email formatting problems Friday, April 3, 2009, 02:53 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, April 3, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
None are so busy as the fool and knave.
--- John Dryden
The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause
of all our adversities.
--- Sophocles
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life,
but only a fool trusts either of them.
--- P. J. O'Rourke
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow
hall when he came face to face with a rival. The passage
way was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling
himself up to his full height, said with a sneer, "I never
make way for fools!" Smiling, the gracious professor
stepped aside and with a bow replied, "I always do."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was
one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the
students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group
assembled in the auditorium, an unkempt-looking student at
the back shouted a vulgar word at him.
The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted
but a moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that
you've given us your name, what is your question?"
Convention
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Victor Harris in Saginaw, Michigan
Trapped by his gas tanks
Man got finger trapped in gas tank
SAGINAW, Mich. (UPI) -- A man in Saginaw, Mich., says he spent
nearly 4 hours at a gas station after getting one of his fingers
trapped in his sport utility vehicle's gas tank.
Victor Harris said he was attempting to remove a piece of paper
from his Lincoln Navigator's gas tank Friday, when he found he
was unable to extract his finger from his vehicle, WJRT-TV of
Flint, Mich., reported.
"A piece of paper was around the little hole, so I just tried to
put my little finger in there, rub it off," Harris said.
"My finger just slipped in there. It was like, 'Dang, it won't
come out.'"
He tried unsuccessfully for nearly 2 hours to remove his
finger, before fire crews and emergency personnel were
called to the scene.
The emergency workers ultimately cut the vehicle's gas tank
out to allow Harris to be taken to a nearby hospital with his
finger still trapped.
Finally, after 4 1/2 hours, Harris' finger was freed.
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me
the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but
I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would
accent my long neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my
arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get
clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Got your ears lowered ?
Man 2: Yeah, it's getting warmer outside.
Man 1: Sure is. Guess it's time to tune up the lawn mower.
Man 2: You get the beer, I'll bring the tools.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sarah
Re: Empty newsletter
Todays's letter was empty - void of content - first time this has happened
Dear Sarah
Yeah, I know it is you and not Bill.
Bill doesn't blurt like an AOLer and he signs off with his name.
Your subscription was not empty.
As you saw, when you replied or when you forward it,
it's just a bug in your Yahoo.
When you reply or forward or make it look like you are going to
show somebody, just how badly screwed up Yahoo is, then it
suddenly behaves.
Just hit FORWARD, and all the stuff they were hiding from you,
suddenly appears like it was supposed to in the first place.
Apparently, toggling between new and classic mail, also reveals
what they have been holding hostage.
Yahoo might be great for cybersex,
but it is difficult to look sophisticated while riding a pig.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Bubba and Betty-Sue got married and were on their way to
Disney World for their honeymoon. When they got within 20
miles, Bubba put his hand on Betty-Sue's knee.
Betty-Sue told him: "Oh, darling, were are married now.
You can go further."
So, like the real red-neck he is, he put both hands on the
steering wheel, stomped down the accelerator,
and drove all the way to Miami.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Summer Hat for an Easter Basket
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to
the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on
the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Really?" said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
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Dear Webby: AOL censoring actioncat.com Thursday, April 2, 2009, 04:09 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, April 2, 2009
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
--- Jules Feiffer
I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.
--- Adrienne E. Gusoff
There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children,
children love hamsters.
--- Alice Thomas Ellis
John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As
they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms
around John and kissed him passionately.
"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been
married?"
"22 years", replied John.
"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like
that after all those years."
"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A generously endowed young lady at a major university often
got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy.
At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like
to drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied.
"Oh, you must be the double D." he said.
The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends
had divulged such personal information.
"And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly
answered, "Oh, you know
-- the Designated Driver."
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
This is some very cute statuary art that has been done
at a fire station not too far from my house, and every time
I drive by there I have to grin at this Dalmatian with his ears
flying as he slides down that pole, and one of the firemen
said " yes, those ring tailed Dalmatians are EXTREMELY rare,
and in fact this one may be the only one in exesistance" ;-)
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Margaret Christie, 53, in Chelsea, Mass
Flashy robber
Police say fingernails gave away robber
CHELSEA, Mass. (UPI) -- Police in Chelsea, Mass., say a bank
robbery suspect was apprehended after being identified by her
orange fingernail polish.
A witness said the woman who made off with $450 in cash
from the Sovereign Bank Wednesday had nails coated with
a bright burnt orange fingernail polish, The Boston Globe
reported.
The robber presented a note demanding money to a teller
and left the scene after the bank employee complied, police said.
Thanks to another witness who wrote down the license plate
number of the fleeing robber's vehicle, police quickly located
their suspect.
After tracing the license plate and locating the accompanying
vehicle, police found their suspect, Margaret Christie, and her
flashy fingernails, and put her in jail, the Globe said.
http://www.ci.chelsea.ma.us/Public_Docu ... /I0148ADBD
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone
was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down
dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man
sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from
staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his
best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He
asked her ,"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table
went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: John
Re: ActionCat cards
To whom it may concern,
I am writing for my Mom.
We love the Action Cat e-cards and send them to each other often.
Now for some reason my Mom has now been unable to send or to receive them.
We've been sending them for years.
Her e-mail address is ******@aol.com
Would you please let me know if you have any suggestions as how to
fix this problem.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
John
Dear John
ActionCat works just fine. I even sent a test card just now.
You can do the same, and send a test card to yourself.
http://actioncat.com
It is AOL, that doesn't work right.
I have no idea why AOL does not allow your mother to receive
cards from Actioncat. It is a clean, family safe, non-political
site benefitting animal shelters.
You can try contacting AOL support, but I doubt that will do more
than waste your time.
Why don't you pretend to be a big spender and get your mother a
$9 Earthlink account, or an account with ANY respectable ISP ?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 2,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "No, I don't want THAT one back.
I mean the one that I want them to find for me!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Summer Hat for an Easter Basket
When my children were babies, instead of Easter baskets,
we picked out a cute summer hat and used it as a basket
instead. We put little things in it a baby could use, like a
small bottle of juice, a teething toy, a small book, etc.
By Marie from Idaho Falls, ID
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
From High School Exams:
1. Chemistry: Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and
Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
2. Biology: The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u.
3. Sex Ed: To prevent contraption: wear a condominium.
4. First Aid: For drowning, climb on top of the person and move
up and down to make artificial perspiration.
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Dear Webby: Sound of the Internet Wednesday, April 1, 2009, 06:51 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Gullible Warming was BS, and I got the snow to prove it.
Now, as of today, we will have Global Cooling.
Hopefully that will cause a heat wave and
melt the three feet of snow on the sides of my driveway.
There are four great religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
4. Jehovah Witnesses do not recognize each other at a hooters
restaurant
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in
his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a
US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
How abd is the economy?
Cats are so dramatic!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Demetrius Soupolos and Frank Maus in Stuttgart, Germany
Sent in by Cookie
Duds
Today in 1930 - Stunt where Leo Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs
broke the altitude record for a catch by catching a baseball
dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles,
CA. He caught the ball cleanly, saying,
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwwwww!".
His injuries included a broken jaw.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Barry
Re: Yahoo mail formatting trick
Hey Webby!
I think I have solved it. In AT&T Yahoo, you have the option of using
"Classic Mail" or "All-new Mail" format. Depending on which format
you were in when you first get your newsletter, if you switch to the
other format, presto...there it is.
Hope this helps your other readers.
Barry
Dear Barry
Thanks!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
From the April 1, 2001 Humor Letter:
====From Marcy
The music on the postcards is not as loud as it used to be. You
must have turned down the volume if the Internet. Please correct
your mistakes immediately and turn up the Internet where it is
supposed to be so that I can hear it properly!
Marcy====
Hi Marcy
The volume control is in the little speaker icon on your task bar. If
that is turned up, check for the setting on your speakers, or if
there is maybe a short circuit between your earphones.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Vinaigrettes
I've found this to be very helpful when I've forgotten to
add a needed item to my grocery list. Vinaigrettes are
a secret weapon for fast flavor. Use them as a marinade
for chicken or drizzle spoonfuls over simply baked fish
and salads. Whisk together 1/4 cup olive oil, 2 tablespoons
white wine vinegar and a 1/2 tsp. ground mustard. Then
add herbs, say tarragon or dill, or spices like cumin and
a pinch of red pepper, plus salt and pepper. Stir in a bit
of honey for a sweet touch. By Connie from Oden, AR
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he
planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is
well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to
permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've
never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware or pictures
off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the
night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run
out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel,
and if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too!"
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Dear Webby, can I rejuvenate an old laptop? Tuesday, March 31, 2009, 04:17 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, March 31, 2009
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope
in which to get themselves filed.
--- Clifton Fadiman
Celebration of your achievement is as important as your
achievement because success builds on success.
--- John Powers
A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour
thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment
that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so
the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a
game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can
guess what it is.
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
Finally a kid volunteered:
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but you sure
sound like a squirrel to me!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
Home Again
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
and a Darwin Award goes to Craig Allard, 38, of Westbrook, Maine
Fatal escape into traffic
YORK, Maine -- A 38-year-old Westbrook man has died after he
fled from police while in handcuffs and ran into traffic on the Maine
Turnpike.
Maine State Police said Craig Allard was pulled over in York on
a routine traffic stop at about 1:30 p.m. Saturday.
Spokesman Steve McCausland told the Portsmouth Herald that
Allard was handcuffed and placed in the police cruiser after the
trooper found a suspected package of heroin in Allard's car.
McCausland said Allard was hit by the side mirror of a box truck
after he ran into a turnpike travel lane as he was being moved
from the cruiser's back seat to the front seat so he could have
Craig Allard more leg room.
Allard was taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland, where a
spokeswoman confirmed his death.
Allard's name showed up on a Dec 6/08 heroin arrest, and he
has drug related conviction records in at least three other states.
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first
time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this
work?"
The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button,
and operate the release handle.
"And where does the money come out?" I asked.
He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"Usually at the ATM bank machine over there."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Mickey
Re: Old laptop
Dear Webby
I crunched the screen on my newish laptop and have to fall
back onto my old one. I retired it a few years ago, because
it had gotten too slow and eventually became rather fussy
about starting up at all.
Is it worth trying to re-install, and if so, how do I do it?
I do have all the disks that came with it in a ziplock bag.
It is a 2001 or 2002 Toshiba Satellite.
Thanks
Mickey
Dear Mickey
Chances are that your old laptop will work just as fast
as the day you bought it, if you do a re-install.
Find the three CDs labeled Recovery.
They SHOULD be named "Nuke all and start from scratch",
but they call them Recovery. Put the first one into
the CD drive.
Start the laptop and keep hitting ESC and F1.
That lets you into the scary black and white BIOS.
In there, the mouse does not work. You move around
with arrow keys, and you change stuff with the space bar.
Change the boot sequence so that CD is the first opton.
Then hit END to accept and save the changes.
After that, the CD should start whirring, and a scary
grey on black message tells you that you will lose everything
if you continue. Hit C to continue.
Then it will do a deep format, nuking everything. That may
take hours. Just ignore it and let it do it's thing.
After a couple of hours touch an arrow key, and you
will get a message to insert the second CD.
Do that and hit Enter. A while later it will ask for the
third CD.
Eventually, you will wind up with a virgin Windows XP.
In the meantime, plug in the cable from the modem or
router. At the end of the installation it will offer to register
the machine and Windows. By all means let it register
Windows. In the process it sets up your network connection
without any fuss at all (if you have DSL or are on a router).
Next, browse to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools
and grab the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker. SP3 would
most likely kill that old laptop. Mess around with those two
blockers until you are 100% sure that they are installed,
not just downloaded!
Then go into Settings, ADD/Remove programs and dump
AOL, ATT, and Norton. They are all as old as the laptop and
rather useless.
Windows will complain that you have no protection and show
a link to a page with over a dozen anti virus programs.
Chose your favorite one and get it.
After you have installed it, it is safe to let Windows do an update.
There are many ways to do that, but the easiest is probably to
hit HELP and look for Windows Update.
It has the links you need in the search results.
Set the auto-update to just notify.
Then let it update from 2002 to 2009. That takes a couple
hours or more.
In the meantime you can customize your desktop,
download Firefox, and get all the important utilities
from my tool box.
That's all there is to it. It is tedious and time consuming,
but not difficult, if you do it in this sequence.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that
he was taking a psychology course at university.
"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the
family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology
until next year."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Coffee Filter for Potting
You can use a paper coffee filter to put in a flower pot
to cover the hole, before putting the soil in. It keeps the
soil from running out when being watered.
By Gracie Pie from Astor, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?
Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot,
cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Joe: No!
Mike: Neither will Bob.
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Dear Webby: Weird Yahoo email formatting Monday, March 30, 2009, 03:35 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, March 30, 2009
I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our
liberties than standing armies.
--- Thomas Jefferson
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
--- William Gibson
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it
would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume fer me lass at home?" he asked the
cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That is a wee bit much," said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still a wee bit much," Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00
sample bottle.
"What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something
really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
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I don't normally tell blonde jokes, but this one was sent to me by a
beautiful blonde lady who obviously must know which jokes are
OK, and which ones go too far.
------------
A plane is on its way on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to
New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first
class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do
this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she
paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New
York and I'm staying right here!"
The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
copilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that
belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat. The copilot
goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for coach, she will have to leave first class and return to
her seat in coach. The blonde replies,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying
right here!"
The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't
listen to reason.
The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have
learned to speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up
and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The
stewardess and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her first class wasn't going to New York.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
EllisIs land Immigration Museum NYC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Jerome Blanchett, 19, in Harrisurg, Pennsylvania
Dumb robber picks police summit
Jerome Blanchett, 19 in Pennsylvania accused of a robbery
at a narcotics police convention has been described as
probably the state’s dumbest criminal.
Retired police chief John Comparetto was attending the
meeting of 300 officers when he was held up at gunpoint
in the men’s toilets.
He handed over money and a phone but then he and some
colleagues gave chase as the suspect tried to flee in a taxi.
They arrested a 19-year-old man over the incident near Harrisburg.
Blanchett, who is awaiting trial on four previous robbery charges,
was arraigned on new robbery charges along with charges of making
terroristic threats, reckless endangerment, simple assault, carrying
a firearm without a license and illegally possessing a firearm.
His bail was set at $1 million. The 19-year-old Blanchett is the proud
owner of an extensive criminal history; one that includes 10 previous
felony convictions.
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked,
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from
your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann S
Re: No content in Yahoo mail
Dear Webby,
Everything is blank until I hit reply and I can read the jokes. What is wrong?
It came on my email as spam and I hit the no spam key and since then
it comes to my email but nothing is on it.
Ann S
Dear Ann
From what I hear, that is just a Yahoo "feature".
You DO get the content,
but Yahoo trashes the formatting,
until it looks like you are going to show others,
how incompetent they are at Yahoo.
Then they suddenly behave.
There may be a setting in your Yahoo mail to get around
that, but it seems to be secret.
You just have to get used to that Yahoo "feature".
Have FUN!
DearWebby
There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to
the washroom.
"Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the
alphabet."
They boy says the alphabet:
"a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z."
"What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher.
"It's leaking out of my boots now."
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.
Greetings Empress:
Thank you for the quick, detailed answer. Due to my lack of
computer knowledge; I really need easy detailed help,
which you gave.It's like having a friend you never see.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
When Moving, Set Up Beds First
When moving, the first piece of furniture you want to move
into your new house are the beds. Place them in the designated
bedrooms, put them together, and make them up. At the end of
the day, all you want to think about is a shower, food, and a
good night's rest. Other things can wait until the next day.
This way you will not have to sleep on the floor or groan about
having to make beds when you are so tired. This is very
important if you are moving and have children.
By Linda from Arlington, TX
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says,
"Who the blazes was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough.
I want a divorce!"
I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
we get a divorce, you will have to refill your credit cards
yourself. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Contrails
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Dear Webby, how can I recover a lost Windows password? Sunday, March 29, 2009, 05:20 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, March 29, 2009
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
--- Douglas Casey
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
--- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Church Bloopers
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
----
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that politician in room 316
that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Craig Allen Aylesworth, 51 of Bithlo, Florida
Man tosses gas bomb in fight, sets own cars ablaze
The Associated Press
5:27 p.m. March 27, 2009
BITHLO, Fla. — Authorities said a man threw a Molotov coccktail
at his neighbor's trailer, but the wind shifted and set fire to two cars,
a pickup and a travel trailer in the man's own yard. The Florida
Highway Patrol reported that a 51-year-old man got into a fight
with his neighbor on Tuesday night and threw the makeshift
gasoline bomb.
Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved.
The man faces multiple charges, including arson. He was being
held at the Orange County Jail.
Orlando Sentinel
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/loc ... 4875.story
A nursing home resident, suffering from dementia, decided to
shed all of her clothes and "streak." She passed two male
residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.
The first male asked the second, "Who was that?"
Second: "I THINK it was 'Miss Rita.'"
First: "Well, what was that she had on?"
Second: "I don't know, but I think it needs ironing."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Patricia
Re: Need to recover lost Windows password
Dear Webby,
When it comes to using a computer, a friend of mine is totally jinxed.
This morning she tried to log on and Microsoft asked for her password.
She put in the latest one and it wouldn't accept it, tried old ones,
no good either. Now she can't get into her computer, and doesn't
know what to do. Uses XP with Foxfire.
I'm wondering if using the start up disc would help? I'm not very
computer literate either but at least can come up with a few ideas.
This one has me stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Having fun in sunny Arizona
but heading for snowy Michigan soon.
Patricia
Dear Patricia
Tell her to go to a cyber cafe or friend, and print this page:
http://webby.com/techtips/lost-XP-password.html
It has all the instructions, and they are not telling her to browse
anywhere without a password, or buy weird stuff.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Two little boys are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each
other outside of the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a
little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was
born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com,
and she will post it into the blog for you.
Greetings Empress:
Thank you for the quick, detailed answer. Due to my lack of
computer knowledge; I really need easy detailed help,
which you gave.It's like having a friend you never see.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Create an Inventory List for Household Products
To cut down on buying items you already have, create an
inventory list for the bathroom, kitchen and pantry.
Create two columns. Column 1 is to list the items you like to
have on hand and column 2 is to check off when you run out
of an item. Laminate the sheet of paper and use a dry erase
marker to mark the appropriate column. Hang the papers in
easily accessible locations that you can remember, like the
inside of the medicine cabinet or on the fridge.
By Lynn from Oregon
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Boston Fire Department borrowed a $650,000 fire truck from
the manufacturer to try out if it fit under all their bridges.
One good high speed run got it nicely wedged under an overpass,
causing $75,000 damage to the truck. They hit the overpass so
hard that 3 of them were injured.
But not to worry. Boston has lots of trucks that are
already flattened at the top.
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Dear Webby: AOL censoring Saturday, March 28, 2009, 03:49 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Saturday, March 28, 2009
Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do
doesn't mean it's useless.
--- Thomas A. Edison
Marcy went to her doctor with two very red ears.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she
answered:
"I was ironing a shirt and remembered I had to call for a hair
appointment. I used the speed dial - but when they answered,
instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the
iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"They called called back to ask what the screaming was all
about"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
If you have amnesia and experience deja-vue at the same
time, does that mean you feel like you've forgotten this stuff
before?
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture:
Start Shoveling!
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Neanderthalers in Oakland, CA
Neanderthalers claim Genocide
Dozens march for Mixon, against police
About 60 people marched and rallied in Oakland on Wednesday
to condemn the police and honor Lovelle Mixon, who was killed
by Oakland police after he fatally shot four officers Saturday.
"OPD you can't hide - we charge you with genocide," chanted
the demonstrators as they marched along MacArthur Boulevard.
, near the intersection with 74th Avenue where Mixon, 26, a
fugitive parolee, gunned down two motorcycle officers who
had pulled him over in a traffic stop. He killed two more officers
who tried to capture him where he was hiding in his sister's
apartment nearby. Mixon was suspected in several rapes,
including that of a 12-year-old girl, and was wanted on several
charges, including parole violation.
The protest was organized by the Oakland branch of the
Uhuru Movement, whose flyers for the march declared,
"Stop Police Terror."
Apparently it did not occur to them that sane people consider
murdering four police officers as terror, and justification for
stopping the killer by any means.
Anni was summoned to court to appear as a witness
in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
"Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said Anni from the witness stand.
"I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said Anni. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there
is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you
the night of August 24th?"
Anni replied brightly, "I don't know. "
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Teresa
Re: AOL failure
Dear Webby;
I have used ActionCat daily for about 8 years until a couple
weeks ago. Suddenly I can not access the site from AOL,
I can still get there from Internet Explorer but that is a pain.
Could you and AOL make up please?
Teresa
Dear Teresa
Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about the bozos at AOL.
As you can see, ActionCat does work fine.
About all you can do is contact AOL, and tell them that you will
move to a respectable ISP, if they don't stop censoring what
you want to see.
Censoring http://actioncat.com is worse than the censoring
that goes on in China. There is absolutely nothing political o Actioncat.
By the way, people in China are rebelling against censorship
in a humorous way with the Grass Mud Horse. You can read
about it at http://cao-ni-ma.com/
and send free Grass Mud Horse postcards at http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html
If you have friends in China, send them a card to show your
moral support. The cards are free and you don't have to register.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car,
the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was
all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Easy Grow Potatoes In Boxes
Want to grow potatoes? Lacking the gumption to dig them up?
Here's the answer: Boxes. Pick a spot in your yard where you'd
like to improve the soil a bit and set out your boxes (at least the
size of a 5 gallon bucket). Fill the boxes with dirt and plant your
potatoes, remember to water and weed. When it comes time,
either break, tear, or dump the dirt from the boxes and pick up
the 'taters! By Sarah from Berrien Springs, MI
There is an even easier way!
Make a high-bed! Instead of paying disposal fees for an old
freezer, park it in your garden, paint it with flowers and fill
it with compost and dirt.
Place your cut potato pieces (-one "eye" per piece-) ON TOP
of the dirt. Cover it with an old bed sheet and make it wet.
In a few days you will see little mounds where the potatoes
have sprouted. Stab the sheet so that the leaves can wiggle
through.
Water when needed and laugh about the neighbors who have to
weed and hill their potatoes.
Starting in mid summer you can reach in under the sheet and
harvest clean potatoes one meal's worth at a time.
In the fall, after the first frost colors the potato foliage,
cut it with a machete or large kitchen knife, gather the sheet
and cut foliage into a tidy bundle fr the compost,
and there you see piles of potatoes waiting for you!
I have used this method for many years even in the Yukon.
Up there we used concrete rebar hoops and plastic to make
a tunnel to extend the short growing season, and always
had more potatos than expected.
Without bending down!
Have FUN!
Dear Webby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then
said, "You must have been REALLY wicked to turn ALL of
grandma's hairs white!"
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Dear Webby, is there a safe compressed air? Friday, March 27, 2009, 03:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Friday, March 27, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
--- Marshall McLuhan
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one
wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new
sense of purpose.
--- Andy Rooney
Thanks to Frank fro this comparison:
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told
her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them
knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told
his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he
had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line
inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his
license. He inspected his photo for a moment and
commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty
grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," she
reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when
the cops pull you over anyway."
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to David Senior, 26, Illinois
Too dumb for a balcony
An Illinois man, David Senior, 26, leaned over a 6th floor
hotel balcony backwards to show a woman in that room that it
was safe to do so. He ended up, instead, showing her how to
fall from the 6th floor balcony, onto the concrete ledge 4 stories
below, and live. Ta da!
"From the conversation we had with people in the room,
(Senior) wanted to impress the young ladies," the hotel
spokesperson said. "One was concerned about the height,
so to sort of tease her he leaned back onto the rail
and went over."
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing
on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude,
degrees and minutes the teacher asked Bobbie,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 25 degrees,
4 minutes north latitude and 130 degrees, 15 minutes West
longitude...?"
After a confused silence Bobbie replied, "I guess you'd be
eating alone. That's halfway to Hawaii, and I can't swim."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Amira
Re: Safe comprssed air
Dear Webby;
Which brand of compressed air is safe? I read that some
brands contain gases that the kids use to get stoned and
often die from. Naturally I don't want those around.
Amira
Dear Amira
None of them are safe, for one reason or another.
If you want to be silly and blow dust from one place to another,
use a straw and blow into it.
If you want to clean up the dust bunnies in and under your
computer or clean the cookie crumbs from your keyboard,
use a vacuum cleaner.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He
became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at
his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
She said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of
soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the
kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of
attention.Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied:
"Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Experimental Decorating With What You Have
I have a friend who is relocating for her new job and doesn't
want to bring anything with her - or even buy new furniture,
as she doesn't know how long she will be there. If I were her,
I would use it as a chance to do some cheap experimental
decorating. Make a little side table out of a large roll of newspapers
tied, with a glass plate on top. Or a pile of old hardback books.
Make bottle lamps with converters from the hardware store,
wine bottles and thrift shop shades. Use old wood crates for
side tables. Make brick and board bookcases. Put your
mattress on the floor. Put transparent contact paper on the
windows for privacy. Look around for neat found objects.
(I had a big piece of wood I dragged in from a camping trip
in the big living room of my old NYC apt. Or collect neat river
stones or shells). Make a footstool from a foam cooler
covered with a remnant. Make wastepaper baskets from
recycled ice cream cardboard containers wangled from
your local ice cream place. Recycle any and all containers
you can. Be creative! By Pamphyila from L.A., CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A study conducted by the American Psychiatric
Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the
practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves
receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind.
A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be
concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive
drug-therapy.
-----
You gotta be nuts to go see a shrink!
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Thursday, March 26, 2009, 04:31 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Thursday, March 26, 2009
America had often been discovered before Columbus,
but it had always been hushed up.
--- Oscar Wilde
Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them.
--- Robertson Davies
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of
Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven).
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly,
several officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the
officers asked
"Why did you just stand there? Was it her a Bible quote ?"
"Bible Quote???" replied the burglar.
"She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Some people's appliances!!
A Wales woman in Llanelli, Dyfed had to call emergency
services from her mobile phone when her washing machine
pinned her against the sink. In a slick move, the machine,
running on vibrations, slowly slid across the kitchen floor
until it completed its destiny and she was pinned for the
count.
And what says the washing machine?
It wouldn't respond to reporter's questions because it was
feeling drained. The machine is not likely to repeat the
behavior because it was probably just a cycle it was going
through.
Thanks to my Dad for this picture:
This one bloomed today
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Robert Jones, 43, from Doncaster, England
TomTom-foolery
A South Yorkshire motorist was charged with careless driving
after he nearly followed his sat nav over the edge of a cliff.
Robert Jones, 43, from Doncaster, followed the device as he
headed for a friend's house even when it began taking him
up a steep, rocky footpath.
He finally realised something was seriously wrong when his
BMW hit a fence just inches from a 100ft drop, reports the
Daily Mirror.
Mr Jones said: "I just trusted the sat nav. It kept insisting that
the path was a road even as it was getting narrower and steeper.
"I rely on my sat nav, I couldn't do without it for my job. I guess
I'm lucky the car didn't slip all the way over the edge. But it
has been a bit of a nightmare."
It took nine hours for a recovery team to haul the BMW away
from the cliff edge in Todmorden, West Yorkshire.
The rescue operation attracted a large crowd of astonished locals.
Police confirmed Mr Jones had been charged. A spokesman
said: "Nobody was hurt. But when someone nearly drives off
a cliff that shows a lack of care which needs to be investigated."
Pierre from Montreal was in a hotel in Edmonton and
phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Noose pepper!"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ed
Re: Foreign Spam
Dear Webby;
I get loads of spam from around the World every day
offering millions of dollars if I send them my personal
information. (If I accept two more checks, I'll be richer
than Bill Gates!) As soon as I see a foreign country
mentioned, I delete it. BUT... is there a way of
automatically blocking these sites before they get to
my screen?
Hating to waste all those electrons,
Ed
Dear Ed
I use MailWasher.
MailWasher does a good job of keeping that kind of stuff out,
or at least flagging it for deletion. If I had to look at every
piece of mail sent to my addresses, I would not get any
work done at all.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
(This one you have to read out loud)
"Information? I need the number for Caseway Trasnport."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as
in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in
are. Y as in you."
"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Healthy Living Tips To Keep Weight Off
I've been slim for about 10 years (of course with a few ups
and downs!) and have just realized that there are a lot of
things I have been doing over the years automatically to
help keep my weight down. I don't exercise but I do try to
walk places and go up stairs when I can. My food eating
habits are what really changed. Here are a few suggestions:
* Cut Out Dairy (or Cut Down) * Eat High Cocoa Content
Dark Chocolate * Make Your Own Popcorn Bags
* Eat More During The Day And Less At Night
By Lisa from Halifax, NS
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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The basketball coach stormed into the University President's office
and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more
than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with,"
the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example."
The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging
down the hallway.
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Three minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the University President,
scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
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Dear Webby: AOL problems getting worse Wednesday, March 25, 2009, 04:03 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Trying is lying. There is no such thing as trying. You do
it or you don't. You get results in life or you have
excuses why you didn't. When people say,
'I'll try,' they usually mean, 'I'm not
going to do it now.'
--- Dick Sutphen
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the
wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at
changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper," he said.
"I meant the next baby!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
"How long will it take to pull my tooth?" The patient
asked the dentist.
"Only two seconds"
"How much will it cost?"
"Fifty dollars."
"For only two seconds of work?"
"Well," The dentist answered coolly, "I can pull it very,
very slowly and make it last an hour if you prefer."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
Seasonally confused Amaryllis
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $3.99 for a $2 item that she
doesn't want, but that is on sale.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a bunch of robbers in Milwaukee, Washington
Counterfeit money for buying fake drugs from cops
ERWIN, Tenn. - A man was been arrested after police said he
used counterfeit money to purchase fake OxyContin pills
from an undercover officer. Unicoi County Sheriff's deputies
arrested a 21-year-old man on Tuesday and charged him
with criminal conspiracy with schedule II drugs, forgery
and criminal simulation.
Investigator Frank Rogers said the officer met with several
people at a mobile home park and arranged for the suspect
and another man to come to Unicoi to buy 76 OxyContin pills
for $4,875.
Officers said it was "obviously bad money" with some bills
printed on just one side.
A woman marries a man expecting to change him.
He doesn't change..
A man marries a woman hoping that she won't change
but she always does.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erina
Re: AOL problem
Dear Webby;
I know you are sending out the newsletter faithfully every day
and I get it fine at work. My mother, though, first for a week
didn't see the picture of the day, and now can't even get to
your site any more. Yes, she is on AOL, and no matter how
much we razz her about that, she won't budge.
Is there ANYTHING that she can do to get the newsletter
properly or at least not be bloked from your site?
Is AOL doing that messing around on purpose?
Erina
Dear Erina
Never assume malice, when routine incompetence can be an
adequate explanation.
A number of people wrote, that they had contacted AOL "support",
but that it was just a waste of time.
Some graduated from AOL and instantly got full and proper
access to any place they wanted to go to, others are hoping
that AOL will fix their problem soon.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very
nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The
woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are
almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a
bit and lets out a dainty little fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her
boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern
voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came
across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning
to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Great!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a
fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before you stink like her!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baby Wipes for Quick Bathroom Cleanup
I keep a box of inexpensive baby wipes (odor free) in my
bathroom. I not only use them for quick cleaning of my face
or hands, but I use them often to quickly wipe up a dirty sink
or bathtub, around my toilet, on the lid or toilet seat and even
use them to wipe up chrome faucets. If I use one on the
bathroom sink I use it on the chrome too and if it isn't
'used-up' yet I will keep it handy to use again for quick
wipe-ups. I find they are good throughout the house to
wipe around windows, use on window blinds, etc.
The uses are endless. By Karen from Davis, CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to
call on someone daily. One he selected was a young
widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died
two years ago.
After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady
with a baby in her arms.
He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was
looking for the widow Laffitte."
"You've found her Father." smiled the lady.
"Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died
over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her
arms.
"That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't."
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Dear Webby: AOL not showing pictures Tuesday, March 24, 2009, 04:23 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
--- Dorothy Parker
The pastor was doing is weekly "children's message"
with the children gathered around him down front.
He was talking to the youngsters on their level about
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk,
he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" one of the girls cried out enthusiastically.
"And what do you have to be to get there?" the
preacher asked.
"Dead!" yelled one of the boys.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
George and Nancy get along just great, except that she's a
"backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up
with her pestering, he finally decided he had enough and
advised her that he would no longer drive with her in the
car.
Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping
at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring, just as he was
merging onto a freeway.
It was Nancy. By chance, she had entered the freeway right
behind George.
"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on
your lights; it's starting to rain."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund
raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on
a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:
"What do you want, Sonny?"
"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts,
M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.
"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady
who would drink beer?" replied the lady.
"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about
vinegar bottles?"
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a bunch of robbers in Milwaukee, Washington
Police: Robbers robbed while fleeing
MILWAUKEE, Wash. (UPI) -- Milwaukee police said a pair of
unlucky robbers were targeted by another group of thieves as
they fled from a jewelry store.
Lt. Thomas Welch said two men, ages 31 and 40, took money
and jewelry from the store on the south side of the city at about
10:50 a.m. Wednesday while armed with at least one handgun,
and were confronted by a group of four men as they attempted
to flee, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported.
Welch said the four men robbed the two original robbers,
sparking a fight that turned into a car chase. He said the two
men who allegedly robbed the jewelry store and two men from
the second group, ages 22 and 27, were arrested.
The money and jewelry were not recovered and police were
searching for additional suspects. He said investigators were
looking into whether the two groups of men knew each other
prior to the incident.
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff
photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when
it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-
saving operation on the wife of the country's most
celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the
doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of
his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the
doctor's waiting room.
The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture
of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect
miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.
While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded
around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter
drew the eye specialist aside and asked:
"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction
on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an
entire wall of your office?"
"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought
was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Staza
Re: Not seeing the pictures
Dear Webby;
Can you tell me why I am getting these x's? I can't get any picture
on your site, or the bonus or Dingbatter. Please help me. AOL,
sure didn't. ,they told me to try a lot of different setting and none
of them worked.
Thank you Staza
Dear Staza
That's just AOL's censoring.
I can't fix AOL.
Contact AOL "Support" and tell them again,
that you want to go to all the places, and see all the pictures,
that people with respectable ISPs can get to.
Alternatively, you could decide to graduate from the sand box,
and stop all that snickering and smirking behind your back.
By the way, you are not the only AOLer, whom AOL treats as
a second class netizen. For a couple of years now AOL has
been not quite as bad as Yahoo, but they sure blew that in
the last week or two.
How much are they paying you for putting up with their abuse?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and
he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the
strawberries to fertilize them.
The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy
way to do everything."
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna
rig it up under the outhouse and blow the solids into the
strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't
see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom!
The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.
Ploop!...she lands in the strawberries. They go running up
to her... "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right?
Are you all right?"
She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't
let that one go in the kitchen!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Gardening With Kids
Gardening is something your kids can do outdoors that is
both constructive and fun. The key is starting off slow so
they don't get overwhelmed. Set aside a small patch of dirt
where your kids can create their garden. Start with plants
that will grow fast, like sunflowers, so they can be can see
the fruits of their labor quickly.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian
dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Monday, March 23, 2009, 03:49 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Monday, March 23, 2009
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt...
Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
--- Robert Anton Wilson
Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.
--- Martin Luther King Jr.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on
the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog
asleep on the floor..
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
Bill: "Hey, tex, how big is your farm?"
Tex: "Let me put it this way. If I were to get in my truck at
sunrise and kept driving untill sundown, I STILL wouldn't
be to the other side of my spread!"
Bill: "Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have a
truck like that too once!"
Thanks to Larry for sending this picture:
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief
to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of
day are you having?"
"Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is
broken, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I
twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top
of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have
two couples over for dinner tonight."
"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your
eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean
up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of
the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know
who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George
at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help
out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your *husband*, dear."
"Mom, I don't have a husband."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The
housewife paused, then got rather hysterical:
"But, but, but, you're still going to come over and help me,
aren't you?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Nathaniel Johnson, 19, in Seffner, Florida
Teen commits crimes while wearing ankle monitor
TAMPA, FL -- A Seffner teen is back behind bars today on burglary
charges after a judge said the teen had run out of second chances.
Nathaniel Johnson was arrested last fall on burglary, drugs and
weapons charges. Hillsborough Judge Walter Heinrich set the
19-year-old free pending trial, with the stipulation Johnson wear
an ankle monitoring system that tracks his movements.
Hillsborough deputies say they used that system to place
Johnson at the scene of two burglaries in a Brandon neighborhood
earlier this month. Deputies arrested Johnson on five additional
charges. Only this time, he's being held without bond.
Hillsborough sheriff's deputy, Corporal Shane Burton said,
"We were able to put him in the vicinity of the homes and
pinpoint right down to the rooftops of where the burglaries
were being done."
Johnson was allowed out of his house between 5:00am and
11:00pm with the ankle monitoring system.
Church Bulletin board bleeper:
I was hungry and you gave me something to eat;
I was thirty and you gave me something to drink.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon S
Re: Slow playing movies
Dear Webby;
Thanks. I think I understand it a bit more now. Is any one
of them better for videos such as youtube. I have an awful
time kkepint youtube playing. I was told by someone that
is is because I am still on dialup. I have to get it playing
then pause it & come back to ir later. I am at the point
where I just don't even bother w/ most of them.
Of I should get google chrome or Firefox & put it on the
taskbar how do I awitch from IE which will probably have
aready come up? Can I uninstall one of the new ones if
I am not satified w/ it? Does using a google or firefox
affect my mail & reading it?
Thanks ever so much for your help.
Have a purrfect day,
Sharon S
Dear Sharon
Let's face it, you are severely punishing yourself for the sins of
your wicked youth. Dial-Up plus hotmail. According to hotmail
you are in Machesny Park, Illinois, and COULD get pretty fast
cable or DSL for a quite reasonable price, if you shopped around
a bit.
With the connection you have, it makes no difference what
browser you use. All will be just as slow.
All you can do for movies or music is get it started downloading,
and go pray for patience for a while.
Re unused browsers, yes, except for IE, they all uninstall cleanly.
IE should not be uninstalled, because some Microsoft programs
use parts of it for their purposes. That is why the European Union
has sued them for big money, and is still suing them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
In a test of emergency systems some boy scouts
impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked
up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was
supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers,
but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout
lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was
supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds for a refill."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Wipe Down the Shower
After years of scrubbing, it dawned on me one day that
it didn't make sense that a tub, where I spend time to get
clean, would get "dirty". I finally got everyone in the house
to agree to use their towel to wipe down the walls and tub
after each use. Now, I rarely have to clean the shower
enclosure or tub. By Sandy
I have been using a Magic Bubble sprayer
for a couple of years now and am quite happy with it. You
hit the button on it when you exit the shower, and 15 seconds
later it starts spraying the inside of the shower for a few
seconds. That creates a thin foam film, which runs off and
cleans everything.
Have FUN!
Dear Webby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early
age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
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Dear Webby: IE8 is NOT for XP ! Sunday, March 22, 2009, 05:29 AM
Good Morning, !
It's Sunday, March 22, 2009
Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her
folks because all she ever wrote home about was boys and
good times. Her mother decided to have a serious talk with
Lucy when she came home for a weekend. The mother
started out by saying, "Now, dear, if you are only going to
college to find a husband, it certainly will be expensive
shopping."
"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
.
If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked |
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean
that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior,
the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth,
infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating,
the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At
length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Thanks to Sandie for these pictures:
As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the
flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?"
The attendant replied,
"No -- just once!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Police in Berlin, Germany
Twins released as court cannot tell them apart
Twin brothers arrested on suspicion of stealing £5.6m of jewellery
and watches in Berlin have been released because police can't
prove which one did it.
The 27-year-olds had been accused of the daring heist at
Europe's largest department store - KaDeWe, reports the
Daily Telegraph.
The robbers are thought to have abseiled into the shop through
a skylight after scaling the side of the building.
A court statement read: "From the evidence we have, we can
deduce that at least one of the brothers took part in the crime
but it has not been possible to determine which one."
The brothers, from Lower Saxony, were arrested two weeks
after the incident, but because their genetic information is so
similar, traces of DNA found at the scene of the crime did not
provide conclusive evidence.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:
"Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ruanju
Re: Don't use IE8 for XP !
Dear Webby
IE8 is not good at all! downloaded it to a Windows XP machine
and it crashed! Seems to work okay on the Vista machine!
Need to warn people of this as you can't just remove 8 and
go back to 7 as that doesn't work either. May have to
reformat machine to get back to working order!
Ruanju!
Dear Ruanju
Thanks for the warning!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
From Sharon:
Dear Webby;
What an unusal flower pic today. It's beautiful.
Thanks for sharing it.
You mentioned IE8 in today's tech dept. I just saw it come
up a couple of days ago & wondered if it would be good.
Thanks for letting all of us know about it
In regards to browsers, eg Firefox, Opera etc. Can you have
more than 1 browser? If so is there a benefit to having more
than on & how can you switch from one to another?
I've wondered about his before.
Again thanks so much for your humor & helpful tips.
Sharon
Dear Sharon
You have one DEFAULT browser, and as many optional browsers as you like.
Because different browsers all have their own little peculiarities, Webmasters usually have five of them to check their work. For example, a page might look great in FireFox, but awful in IE.
When you install new browsers, they are as eager as a new girlfriend to become my favorite and default browser, but there is an option to decline. They do put an icon onto your desktop, and you can drag that into the Task Bar down by the start button.
Here are some reasons why you might want to have more than just one browser:
IE6: Great for music and Internet radio
FireFox: Most reliable on complicated pages, good for anything except midi music
Opera: Handles multilingual fonts very well
Google Chrome: Usually the first to work properly with new gimmicks
Safari: Very clear fonts, ideal for reading e-books and any long text. Not so good on anything else.
IE7 is a bit flakey, trying too hard to imitate FireFox
IE8 is no good at all except on Vista.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
You have one DEFAULT browser, and as many optional browsers
as you like.
Because different browsers all have their own little peculiarities,
Webmasters usually have five of them to check their work. For
example, a page might look great in FireFox, but awful in IE.
When you install new browsers, they are as eager as a new
girlfriend to become my favorite and default browser, but there
is an option to decline. They do put an icon onto your desktop,
and you can drag that into the Task Bar down by the start button.
Here are some reasons why you might want to have more than
just one browser:
IE6: Great for music and Internet radio
FireFox: Most reliable on complicated pages, good for anything
except midi music
Opera: Handles multilingual fonts very well
Google Chrome: Usually the first to work properly with new gimmicks
Safari: Very clear fonts, ideal for reading e-books and any long text.
Not so good on anything else.
IE7 is a bit flakey, trying too hard to imitate FireFox
IE8 is no good at all except on Vista.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
The local pastor noticed that Little Johnny hadn't been
to Sunday school in a long time. He was not surprised
that Johnny's parents had not been to church in a month
of Sundays, but it was unusual for Johnny to miss
Sunday school for so long.
He went to Johnny's house and knocked on the door.
Little Johnny answered the door, took one look at the
pastor and called to his father,
"Hey, Dad! That guy that collects money for God is
here!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Uses for Pringles Cans
Pringles cans work well for storing small toys and tennis balls.
They work well for to store clean (or still being used) paint
rollers and small paint brushes. They are also the perfect
size for storing home baked cookies.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator.
Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and
left in a huff.
The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her
either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I
pinched her."
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