Dear Webby: List of motels that allow pets 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 20, 2009


There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. --- Pablo Picasso It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! --- Friedrich Nietzsche
One morning, while shaving, George started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered. "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A couple went to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and nobody seemed to be watching, so he decided to relieve himself right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act was well under way. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
Disco Rapper near Why, Arizona
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a driver in Oslo, Norway Motorist arrested for sex while speeding A Norwegian man was arrested after he was caught having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on a motorway. Officers trailed the couple's car after noticing it was swerving from side to side and travelling at 20mph over the speed limit, reports the BBC. But they soon realised the erratic driving was due to the woman "sitting on the man's lap", a police spokesman said. After filming the exploit for evidence, they pulled them over at a rest area on the E18 motorway, west of Oslo. The 28-year-old man is likely to face a fine of several thousand Norwegian kroner and a lengthy driving ban. "Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know," said Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen. Despite her role in the incident, the 21-year-old woman was allowed by police to drive her lover home. -------------------------- A[[arently she wasn't worth the cost of a motel, or the time for pulling over into a rest area. They should have confiscated the idiot's car!
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How is THAT going to help?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From Sharon Re: List of motels that allow pets Dear Webby, Is there a site that lists pet friendly motels along the way? I do not relish the thought of sleeping in the car with my dog while everyone else is inside sleeping in a bed. I'd sure appreciate your or your readers help on this problem. Thank you, Sharon Dear Sharon As long a it's not a yappy Chihuahua or similar dog that might annoy all the other guests, most motels nowadays allow small dogs and working dogs. Larger dogs are a bit of a problem. Even if the motel has a "Pets Welcome" sign, if the dogs drool, slobber, shed, or look like they might scare somebody into running through the new rose hedge, then the Vacancy sign suddenly changes to NO Vacancy until after you have gone away. If you are not sure how your dog will behave during the inspection in the motel or hotel lobby, then it would be a good idea to talk to your vet and discuss medication. Keeping those basic rules in mind, here is a site that lists pet friendly hotels and motels by state: http://www.petswelcome.com/milkbone/sitemapframe.html They also list B&B's and cabins. If enough people find this link useful, I'll put it permanently into the left side margin. Have FUN! DearWebby
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but, of course, the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday". Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man. "You crook, you lied. There's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he had not been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm just here to feed the alligators."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Meteorite Gallery
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: List of file names 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 19, 2009


There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. --- William James
Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice? A: A Religious Movement.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that there Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sweated off a few pounds. Next I have to get some tan onto those knobby computer nerd knees! That cactus is a Turberi Organpipe, nicely lined up with the hole in the rock in Diablo Canyon.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to three guys in Kansas City, MO with no talent for operating heavy equipment. Police: Theft foiled by mud KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) -- Police in Kansas City, Mo., said three men were arrested after the skid-steer loader they were allegedly trying to steal became stuck in the mud. Investigators said the skid-steer loader was found stuck in the mud at the construction site and officers followed scrape marks left on the street to a trailer that had been towed by the suspects' vehicle, the Kansas City Star reported Tuesday. Officers found an empty truck nearby where the trailer was discovered and the men were found hiding in a nearby field after a police dog was called to the scene. ------------- A skid steer loader is a small loader like a Bob-Cat. It is almost impossible to get them stuck, and as long as the air intake and the operator's nose is above water, they can even operate in rivers or very deep mud. With a skilled operator.
A wise, old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet." The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" "Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. People were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I dunno. I was watching wrestling instead of the weather channel."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Kate RE: List of file names Dear Webby I know Windows doesn't have an easy way to print a list of the file names in a folder, but I have received CD's from friends that had a neatly printed list of the files. I don't want dates or sizes, just the file names. How is that done? Kate Dear Kate The easiest way is to use DOS. First make a directory (folder) where you keep those lists. Then click on START, RUN and type: cmd That opens a DOS window. Type "cd" (without the quotes), then a space, then the name of the folder that you want listed. Hit Enter. The prompt should now be showing the same as what you saw in the top address bar in Windows Explorer. Now type "dir /b > dirlist.txt" instead of dirlist.txt you can use any file name you want, but make the extension ".txt" Now you can use any word processor or even a spreadsheet program to open "dirlist.txt", format it the way you want it, and print it. You can even paste the contents of "dirlist.txt" into programs for making CD and DVD case inserts. Have FUN! DearWebby
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie...... So I rented him a tuxedo!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fix Leaky Toilets A leaky toilet can waste 50 gallons or more per day. To test to see your toilet is leaking, put drops of food coloring into the toilet tank. Wait 15 minutes. If color has made it's way to the bowl, you have a leak. Try replacing the flush valve in the tank to correct the problem. For More Plumbing Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_614.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Donna was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner knew her, and remembered that she still had not paid a bill from half a year ago, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So Donna went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, Rachel, came home and said, "What are you doing?" Donna told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Rachel rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life under the sea
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Camera cable or chip reader 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 18, 2009


Spare no expense to save money on this one. --- Samuel Goldwyn
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I am, the minute I asked you to marry me!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Yep, the desert sure does bloom! This was in the middle of Joshua Tree park, one of the most rugged and scenic deserts in the world. One of these guys is going to lose 20 pounds in the desert in the next two weeks.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alleged 'Hamburglar' found at McDonald's ARLINGTON, Wash. (UPI) -- A real-life alleged "Hamburglar" was awaiting charges in Washington state after being apprehended at a McDonald's restaurant, officials say. Unlike the McDonald's children's advertising character, the alleged Hamburglar in Arlington, Wash., is real, The (Everett, Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday. Local police say the man was first arrested last week on suspicion of burglary but escaped from the back seat of a police car when officers rolled down a window to allow him to throw up. Two days later, police reportedly received a call from the manager of a McDonald's who said a customer matching the escaped suspect's description had been in the restaurant but had disappeared. An affidavit filed Monday indicated that police took a look around the McDonald's, noticed a loose ceiling tile, and found the suspect hiding in the ceiling. The man was booked into the Snohomish County Jail in Everett and is awaiting formal charges of third-degree escape, residential burglary, theft, malicious mischief and burglary, the Herald said.
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Francisca RE: Camera cable or Chip Reader ? Dear Webby What is better, a camera that downloads directly to the computer, or a camera where you have to remove a chip and copy from that into the computer. one of my friends has one type, another friend has the other type, and of course each claims their version is better. What is YOUR recommendation ? Francisca Dear Francisca The better cameras offer both methods, but if you have a choice, you throw away the camera-to-computer cable. (Keep the camera-to-TV cable) If you are limited to downloading directly to the computer via a very special cable and program, you are totally out of luck if your camera's memory is full while you are on a canoe trip and don't have the computer along. If you have removable chips, you pop out the full chip and push in the next one. Those memory chips are very sturdy, and they just fit into the parking meter change pockets that you get on some belts. A memory chip reader is $9 - $15 and reads 8MB to 64GB memory chips. Personally, I use mostly 2 GB chips, and I also use them instead of floppies. When you slide that memory chip into the reader or the computer, you instantly have an extra harddrive. You can then copy the pictures from the chip or even edit them right on the chip. Also, keep in mind that slow transfer via cable drains the 6 Volt camera battery. It tries to charge up the 5 Volt USB port! Have FUN! DearWebby
"Information Superhighway" is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres. And Yahoos'."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Caring For Leather Jackets Don't leave leather items in the back of your car on sunny days. Heat and sunlight can dry and bleach out the leather. Hairspray or perfume can damage the finish. If it gets wet, let it dry at room temperature. Store with room to breathe. Click Here For More Clothing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_Tips_1220_1222.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It is sometimes easy to forget how easily email technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago, for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on her computer screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dragon Fruit
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Uncluttered Favorites 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  April 17, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down. -- Hector Berlioz yeah, happens to writers too.
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband to the photographer. She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. "Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
Opuntia blooming in Death Valley, California today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Abby Toll, 20, University of Colorado Female Pervert Taped Puppy To Refrigerator APRIL 14--Meet Abby Toll. The University of Colorado student, 20, is facing a felony animal abuse rap after she taped her boyfriend's puppy to the side of a refrigerator in a bid to teach the rambunctious animal a "lesson." According to police, Toll used clear packing tape early this morning to adhere the eight-month-old dog (a Shiba Inu named Rex) to the appliance in the kitchen of her boyfriend's apartment. Toll allegedly was angry at Bryan Beck, 21, for failing to get rid of the puppy, which, Toll told cops, bit her a few days ago. According to the below Boulder Police Department reports, when cops responded at 5 AM to a "report of a male and female yelling" at Beck's apartment, they discovered that "Rex's body was completely encased in packing tape." When Officer Kara Jurczenia asked what was on the side of the fridge, Toll replied, "The dog." Toll added, "I know this looks really bad, but the dog bites. He is aggressive." Jurczenia asked how long the puppy had been taped upside down to the side of the refrigerator. "Not long," Toll replied. "Like 20-30 minutes. It was just until he calmed down." The reports note that when Beck saw his dog stuck to the refrigerator, he told Toll, "Take him down," adding, "You are so sick!" Toll replied, "No, you are sick for not caring enough about me to get rid of the dog." The animal, whose paws had been bound with elastic hair ties, was clearly in pain and "yelped and screamed loudly" as cops worked to free him. "Rex just lay motionless, but breathing, on his kennel after he was removed from the tape." The puppy was handed over to the Boulder Valley Humane Society. Toll, seen in the above mug shot, was turned over to county jailers. Beck, who was arrested in connection with his scuffle with Toll, was not charged with animal abuse. Though he did reportedly tell police, "We were going to get rid of him anyway. We usually don't do this." (5 pages) http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... 2dog1.html ------------- All pups I ever had, have bitten me. So what? It's a normal part of their development. They bite their mother and their siblings too It's not a hostile act, just part of finding out what is appreciated and what is not. Pups are very sensitive to the boss's tone of voice, and if that is not enough, putting a finger on their tongue, when they are biting during playful wrestling, makes them quit the biting quite fast. There is absolutely no need to get sadistic and perverted.
Thanks to BillieBob in Bama: How can you tell Leroy is at a Cock fight? He's the one who brought the duck. How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight? He's the one who bets on the duck. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight? The duck wins.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Cindy Re: Uncluttered Favorites Dear Webby, The "favorites" in my browser are too difficult to organize and I want to make shortcuts to them in little clusters on the desktop. Thanks, Cindy Dear Cindy Reduce your browser window so that the area, where you want to park the short-cut icons, is visible. Then go to a site, and drag the little icon in the left of the browser address bar onto that empty spot on the desktop. You can rename the icon text to something shorter and more memorable. Once things get too cluttered, make some folders in some directory on the drive, NOT on the desktop! Then make desktop shortcuts to those folders, give the shortcuts distinctive icons, and drag the icons from those clusters into those folders. One of the reasons for not using desktop folders for that, is that it is difficult to change the icons of desktop folders, and a stack of identical lookng manila folders does not help for organizing things. Have FUN! DearWebby
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recommended Supplies for a Basic Emergency Kit: Be sure to have an emergency kit in your house. It should include: Water and food for 3 days, a battery-powered radio, flashlight and extra batteries, a First Aid kit, basic tools for shelter and repair. Also include any unique family needs such as prescription medications, baby needs and documents. Get More Information on Emergency Preparation Here http://www.ready.gov/america/index.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a "woman" for you." "What's a "woman", Lord?" "This "woman" will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want, even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great!" Adam says with a grin on his face. "She will be, but this is going to cost you." "Oh, how much will this "woman" cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib? The rest, of course, is history.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Light, The Universe & Everything
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Name Servers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 16, 2009


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Morris Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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David, a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later David returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later David returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said David with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Cheyenne, Wyoming texting addicted teenager Texting without a payment plan is expensive! CHEYENNE, Wyo. (UPI) -- A Wyoming father said he took a hammer to his 13-year-old daughter's cell phone after she racked up $4,756.25 in text messaging fees. Gregg and Jaylene Christoffersen said they thought texting was disabled on the phone used by their daughter, Dena, because their plan with Verizon did not include the service, KUSA-TV, Denver, reported Wednesday. However, the service provider charged the family for each one of the 10,000 text messages that Dena sent in a single month. Gregg Christoffersen said he smashed the offending phone with a hammer and he and his wife have grounded Dena until the end of the school year. The couple said Verizon has agreed to reduce the bill to a more manageable amount.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Dag Re: Name Servers Dear Webby, Does it make any difference where the name servers for a domain are located? I am wondering why it takes so long before my site starts loading up in browsers. Dag Dear Dag Yes, it makes a huge difference! If your name server is for example located in China or at some rural ISP in Kentucky, when somebody tries to jump to your site from a link, then their browser first has to inquire from your domain registration about where your name servers are. Then the name servers have to be queried for the road map to your pages. Only then can the request for the pages be sent to wherever they happen to be hosted. We found that we get the fastest results by locating our name servers in the big hub that connects the transatlantic cables and the North American continent. With Millions of visitors to 50,000 postcard sites, the location of the name servers and the page servers makes a very noticeable difference. Have FUN! DearWebby
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils, and get so warped from snorting, that they tell you it's bad for you if you put sugar in your coffee!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Heel Marks on the Floor First, the best way to prevent heel marks is to have a "no shoes" policy in your house. If you have a heel mark you need to remove, just rub it with a pencil eraser. A "magic" eraser works well for removing heel marks on floors or baseboards. For More Floor Cleaning Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Floors_296_314.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The newlywed couple had been up for a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with John, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Jill, "breakfast will be ready." "Great!" John said, "What are we having for breakfast?" And Jill said, "Toast and juice."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Geeks
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to use CHKDSK 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 15, 2009


A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money. --- Senator Everett Dirksen I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
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A patient had broken his leg and it was going to have to be set. To get him ready for this painful event, he was heavily sedated. While in this "state", he spoke rather freely with the hospital staff and with his wife. She apparently learned several things about her husband. When it was time to reverse the medication, the wife said "Wait! not yet. I have some more questions I want to ask".
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Shale of Jordan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 17 year old dope in Kalamazoo, Michigan Pilot's license revoked after oral sex KALAMAZOO, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Michigan said they arrested a 17-year-old suspect for marijuana possession twice within the space of a single hour. The Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety said the suspect was first arrested at about 1:30 p.m. Wednesday when officers spotted the teenager rolling a joint, WWMT-TV, Kalamazoo, reported. Officers said they discovered additional marijuana the suspect had hidden beneath a nearby vehicle and he was arrested and charged with possession of the drug. The teenager was released after posting $100 bail. However, the department said officers spotted the same suspect rolling a joint at 2:20 p.m. -- les than an hour later. Officers said they also discovered the suspect to be carrying crack cocaine. The teenager was booked into the Kalamazoo County Jail on charges of possessing cocaine and marijuana as well as violating his bond conditions.
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds in your lower half. Second, you should use only about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick as you did this morning. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Chkdsk Good Morning Webby... When I ran my "crap cleaner" this morning, I got an error message and I don't know what to do. The error messages was: Windows\Temp\msmsc_QASFDtlJbNtLfJ1 is corrupt and unreadable Please run CHKDSK UTILITY I ran "crap cleaner" again and got the same message. I tried using run CHKDSK and that told me it was only read ; I looked for the file and got no where. Do you have any suggestions? I thought of deleting the crap cleaner and then installing it again, is it the crap cleaner? You've helped me so many times, I hate to ask for help again! Thank you, Carol Dear Carol Shooting the messenger won't fix the problem. For chkdsk to FIX stuff, you have to type chkdsk /f Otherwise it just tells you what should be fixed. Have FUN! DearWebby
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Heyyy!Stop! I'm on the wrong bus! I don't wanna go where SHE goes!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Storage Pantry Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you, check out Thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "Nah, you got to make your own dirt!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Out of bounds
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Bad virus infection 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  April 14, 2009


The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action. --- Frank Herbert
An English soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a table in a Bosnian restaurant, and the conver sation turned towards how well fed each of them was. "In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian. "Well", said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day." "That's nothing", said the American, "in the US army we have 8000 calories of food a day". At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense", he said, "how could one man eat that much cabbage!!!."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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MacTavish's little boy was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five pounds," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan of three pounds, how many would you have left?" "Five," said young MacTavish firmly. "Five?" the teacher said "How do you make it five?" "Well," replied young MacTavish "You can ask for a loan of three pounds, but that doesn't mean you will get it."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Keith Martz, 52, San Diego, California Pilot's license revoked after oral sex GARDENA, Calif. (UPI) -- A California helicopter pilot whose license was revoked again after he engaged in sex acts while in the air has lost an appeal to be reinstated. David Keith Martz, 52, was grounded by the Federal Aviation Administration after a video surfaced online in February that depicted the pilot receiving oral sex from a porn actress while flying above the waterfront in downtown San Diego, the San Diego Union-Tribune reported Wednesday. The revocation of Martz's license was upheld Tuesday by an administrative law judge at the National Transportation Safety Board in Gardena, Calif. Martz, a commercial pilot, argued during the hearing that he had corrected any defects in his flying skills since he received a suspension last year on an unrelated matter. The pilot can appeal the judge's decision to the National Transportation Safety Board.
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked. "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rae Re: Bad infection Dear Webby Many thanks for all your good information, jokes, news articles and pictures. Your father's cacti blooms are just beautiful. I vote for your letter daily. My XP, service pack 2, is bringing me to tears now. It's been crashing off and on when I'm on line, plus had some other problems. I know so little about correcting them so decided to get a free Panda scan, fearing I may have that Conficker worm. The scan found things that needed to be taken off, so I tried to order their paid offer. When I type, the provided form spaces remain blank. After trying several times, I gave up. Now I find no forms will accept my key strokes and I cannot even vote for you. I have Norton, but it doesn't find anything. Any help you can give would be so appreciated. I'm far from computer savvy. Thanks much, Rae Dear Rae It sounds like your machine has been infected with something that is more powerful than Norton and Panda, and that prevents Norton and Panda from working. Copy all the stuff, that you want to keep, onto CD's or DVDs, and do a full re-install from the XP set-up disk. You don't need to copy the programs, you have to re-install those anyway. Just copy pictures, music and documents. After re-installing XP, immediately get the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker. Then let Windows do an update from 2001 to 2009. Next get some serious anti virus program. Obviously, Norton and Panda are not strong enough for the roads you travel, so I would recommend McAfee. It is $34 a year. Then get Spybot-Search&Destroy and whatever you want from my Toolbox at http://webby.com/tools You might also want to grab a free
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Say "No" to Pizza Delivery Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you, check out Thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice, a week ago...." "And you are afraid she'll find it again ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Frogs
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Dear Webby: Driver Cure 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 13, 2009


Free advice is worth the price. --- Robert Half Discretion is not the better part of biography. --- Lytton Strachey,
There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and Thorn wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. Thorn remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively, and plowed through the crowd of women. I can just see him. When I worked with Thorn, he was a model of patience, up to a point. After that it was a lot safer to be out of tool throwing range. "Hey you!", an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like a gentleman!". "That's what I HAVE BEEN doing," Thorn retorted, "But since that doesn't work in this zoo, I'm gonna try to act like you wimin!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Bo was telling the little ones of how it was when he was a young boy in Brooklyn, in Manhattan's immigrant ghetto. "When I was a kid," he said, "we didn't even have a radio. So our dad bored a hole through the wall into the living room of the Irish couple in the next apartment, to hear all the great boxing fights. That's when we discovered that they didn't have a radio either, and the fights we heard through the wall were live."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of her balcony friend:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Beth Maynard, 14, in Port Pierce, Florida Police: Girl threw pretzels at officer FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a 14-year-old girl was arrested after she allegedly threw a bag of pretzels at a sergeant and twice tossed her shoe at an officer. Investigators said Beth Maynard, 14, was one of several patients under police supervision Thursday night at Lawnwood Regional Medical Center & Heart Institute in Fort Pierce, TCPalm.com reported. Police did not say why the girl was in the hospital. The police report of the incident says Maynard "walked around with an attitude" and threatened to strike an officer with her shoe if he did not stop looking at her. The teenager continued to give the officer "dirty looks" and twice threw her shoe at him, hitting the officer's foot, the report says. It states that a police sergeant arrived and the scene and the girl threw a bag of pretzels that struck him in the chest. Maynard was arrested and charged with felony battery of an officer. ----------------- Let's hope the brat gets the hint before she throws a knife.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Driver Cure Dear Webby Seen this DriverCure and wondering if you have something like this? Roland Dear Roland Our computers seem to work just fine without that. I never came across a driver that needed fixing, except the ones on the road. Have FUN! DearWebby
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dorm Room Necessities Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A rather boring joke I heard today reminded me of a fun incicent. Many years ago when I was taking a required course in the process of becoming an electrician, we also had to take some basics physics. Personally, I always loved physics, probably because deep down inside I am still a kid that is fascinated by anything that makes noise or moves. Most of the people in the class hated physics, and one guy in particular did a lot of complaining about it and asking why it was necessary. Finally the instructor had enough and he told him that physics was required to save his live. Naturally the guy fell for that straight line and asked how physics would save his live. "It saves lives", the instructor yelled at him, "because it keeps you from finishing the course, and because if you passed my class and then later burned down a house with your lack of knowledge, I'd have to go and shoot you." That guy quit the course right there
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to GPS locate a phone 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!


That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. --- William J. H. Boetcker
A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary. " What's is in for ?", asked the Governor. " For stealing a ham." " That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" " No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy." " Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?" " No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth." " Why would you want a man like that out of prison?" " Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher. All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny. "I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school," explained Little Johnny.
Thanks to Pam at http://www.chinookcountrypost.com/ for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19 in Boynton Beach, Florida Burglary shown Live On The Internet APRIL 9--A Florida woman who used a live Internet video feed to monitor the interior of her home was shocked yesterday, when she saw two men burglarizing her residence in real time. Jeanne Thomas, 43, was seated at her office desk when two strangers appeared in her living room (the intruders got into Thomas's Boynton Beach house through a doggie door at the rear of the home, according to the below probable cause affidavit). Thomas, who set up the live video stream after her home was burglarized last October, immediately called 911 to report the burglary .Cops raced to her home and arrested the two men inside the house: Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19. Two other suspects--Scott George and Jonathan Cruz, both 20-- were nabbed at a nearby residence and charged with helping plan the burglary. The amazing surveillance video from inside Thomas's house was uploaded to YouTube by the Boynton Beach Police Department Mug shots of the four perps, who were booked into the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office lockup, are on The Smoking Gun site too. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... nton1.html Burglary and arrest video ------------- Look, Ma! Curtis and Steven are on the Internet!
St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..", St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann D Re: How do you GPS track a phone? Dear Webby How exactly do you find the location of a phone? Ann D Dear Ann I don't use a cell phone, so I had to ask some friends who do. Apparently different companies use different ways, and what works for Verizon won't necessarily work for Sprint. Here are some URLs they sent me Take your pick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9qS6bAMPU http://googlemapsmania.blogspot.com/200 ... -june.html http://www.spymastertools.com/ http://www.accutracking.com/ With Verizon you buy two and configure one as the master. Have FUN! DearWebby
After the last child moves out of the house, Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a last effort at keeping their parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other. Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful violin and begins to play. After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the violin and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed to do it. He replies, "Well, I've never yet seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a violin solo."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tips for Job Hunting When hunting for a job, do not confine yourself to the newspapers, or online ads, as less than 30% of the available jobs are ever posted there. One of the reasons for this is the cost, and another is the time that would have to be wasted screening applicants. One way to find a job is to get out and truly pound the pavement. I have seen may help wanted signs out there, and even if it isn't your dream job, it may be the one that gets the bills paid until something else can be found. By Shari from Greer, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Lisa for this one: My father, in the hospital after surgery to repair a hip replacement, needed assistance to get on and off the toilet and the bedpan. 89 years old, he was also extremely modest and had a tough time dealing with the matter-of-fact ways nursing personnel dealt with bodily functions. One time two aides put him on the bedpan and stood by the bed waiting for him to finish. He looked at them and said. "It'll cost you a quarter to watch." Another time an aide put him on the toilet and left. When she came back about 5 minutes later, she asked if he was done yet. He looked at her in all seriousness and asked, "Why, do you need to use it?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ireland at a glance
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Prepare laptop for travel to Europe 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 11, 2009


All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. --- James Thurber Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. --- Malcolm Forbes
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers you or your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that, too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I could deal with that, too. I wish I was a bear.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk in La Crosse, Wisconsin Lost man tracked by cell phone GPS chip LA CROSSE, Wis. (UPI) -- A Wisconsin man, who got lost while bicycling home from a party, got help from police who tracked him by the GPS chip in his cell phone. La Crosse police also gave the man a ticket after discovering that his blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported. The man told police he had been drinking in a bar and then went on to a house party. When he realized he was lost on his trip home, he first took a nap and then used his cell phone to call police for help. Police dispatchers got in touch with the company providing his cell-phone service, who were able to get his location from the GPS chip. ------------- He could have called a jealous or concerned wife or secretary. Most of them know how to track a guy, as long as he is carrying a cell phone. They get the coordinates without him even realizing it, and punch them into Google Earth. That shows them in a few seconds exactly where he is, within a few feet. Then they can use Google Earth to plot the route from there to where he wants to go. Some on-line sites even tell you how fast somebody is moving, and in which direction. No more sneaking into the hardware department or the computer isle!
On my first day of school my parents told me to go to the nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes, having a great time. It's too bad they got more specific about which nursery when there was no semester report card.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gordon Re: Trip to Germany Good morning Webby. Your letter is the first thing that pops up on my screen every morning. Thanks for the chuckles each morning and a chance to vote for so many worthy causes, including your newsletter. Keep up the good work!! Now for my questions: I am planning a trip to Germany soon and wonder if you can give me some advice on taking my laptop computer along. It is a fairly large screen Dell so I'd prefer to pack it in my check-in luggage. - is it safe to pack it in my check-in luggage or is it best to take it as carry on? - the hotel I am going to says wireless Internet is available at a cost of 3.95 Euros for 30 minutes or 30 Euros per day. I will be there for 8 days so this translates in about $50 Cdn per day!! Any suggestions? - any advice of the best kind of power converter to get and where to buy it? Thanks for any help you can give me on this. Gordon Dear Gordon 1) Get a Samsonite or similar back-pack briefcase for the laptop. If you have ever seen how they slam checked luggage onto the bottom roller of the conveyor, when they load the plane, and listen for the tinkle of cracked screens, you will NEVER allow your laptop into checked luggage. And they always heave it onto the conveyor roller upside down, to make sure they nail your screen. The Samsonite back-pack briefcase has the back-pack hoops and also a wide single shoulder strap and a briefcase handle. The briefcase handle is wide enough so that it just fits over the extended handle of your wheeled carry-on. Hanging over the front of the wheeled carry-on it balances it nicely so that you have to neither lift nor push down, as you wheel it through endless airports. Find out what kind of plane you will be on, and use a wheeled carry-on that is allowed on that plane. With the new economy planes those dimensions seem to shrink every year. Measure your laptop case. Since it sounds like you have a standard 4:3 ratio screen and not the sawed off yuppie screen, it will not fit under the seats except on window seats on most of today's planes. Get your seat early and if necessary mention that fact to secure a window seat, 2) Get a decent hotel! If they rip you off on the connection, they will rip you off on other stuff too. Holiday Inn, Holiday Inn Express, and Best Western usually have free WIFI, or at least Ethernet free and included. You can book those hotels on-line. 3) Get outlet adapters for Germany, Austria and Switzerland. They are dirt cheap on-line, but usually hard to find locally. Here are two sites: http://www.hillmerstravelcenter.com/Pages/AdPlugs.html http://www.adaptelec.com/travel-plug-adapters-c-1.html I also carry a straight and a Philips screwdriver (no need for a square socket Robertson screwdriver, the Europeans are not that advanced yet) and some alligator patch cords. That lets me get into lamps and radios if the nearest free outlet is too far away. In Europe most hotel rooms are very long and extremely narrow, and with very few outlets. I also carry a 25 foot lightweight Christmas lighting extension cord with a miniature six outlet power bar on the female end. You don't have to worry about the higher voltage and lower frequency they use. Your laptop charger can handle that. The same goes for anything that has a power cube or charger. And don't forget a sheet of plexiglass cut to just fit into the lid of your suitcase! You can jam that into a partially opened dresser drawer for an instant table at comfortable computing height. Most hotels have low lounging chairs and high tables, forcing you to type at chin level. Leave the protective paper on the plexiglass. Otherwise your optical mouse won't work, plus it is handy for scribbling phone numbers and stuff. Keep your road warrior kit in your laptop case. That way, if your suitcase is delayed, you can still get on-line. Have FUN! DearWebby
According to George, home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Drapery Rod for a Changeable Headboard I used a wooden drapery rod to make a holder for fabric or a quilt or bedspread to use as a headboard. It is cheap, fast, and can be changed quickly. Just be sure to use lightweight fabrics, or put a support in the center of the pole for heavy items. You can make it as high or as low as you like. This is now my favorite headboard. By Susan from Mulberry, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Millie: What do you do at your Bible Studies meeting ? Susan: We try to figure out how much can we can get away with and still go to heaven.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mud Bugs
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: movies stop every few seconds 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  April 10, 2009
Time to wear something red to show our support for the troops!

" I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typerwriters." --- Frank Lloyd Wright
Thanks to Jai for this story: Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... But you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... But you are wrong." So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS... But I was wrong!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Thanks to Frank for this story: *Parking Tickets* The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local Coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His sensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo...' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, *'Obama in '08.'* I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alexei Roskov, 22 in Moscow Russian man survives five storey fall - twice A Russian man survived after downing three bottles of vodka and leaping from a fifth floor balcony - twice. Alexei Roskov says he jumped the second time because he couldn't take his wife's nagging about the first time. Wife Yekaterina had watched in horror as her drunken hubsand opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, and hurled himself out. Astonishingly Mr Roskov, 22, survived and managed to stagger back upstairs with barely a scratch after the 50ft fall. But while his wife called for an ambulance and began to scold him, he jumped again. Amazed medics treated Mr Roskov for minor cuts and bruises before releasing him. Mr Roskov says he is now teetotal after giving up drinking.
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maggie Re: Video pauses Dear Webby; Thanks for all the great help you give, and for a great newsletter. My problem is... just about every video I try to play keeps stoping and starting every few seconds throughout the whole thing. Would you have any idea what the problem is? It hasn't always been this way. I have Windows XP, service pack 3. Thanks so much for your time and attention to this matter. Maggie Dear Maggie That's just your connection speed. Your ISP is delivering it slower than it plays, so it pauses until it has another 10-15 seconds worth, plays that and waits for more to dribble in. Just hit PAUSE and wait until the faintly colored bar has completed. THEN play it. You can check your connection speed at http://internetfrog.com/mypc/speedtest/ If it is significantly lower than what you are paying for, call your ISP and complain. Quite often they restrict your speed behind your back, and you have to nag at them to get reasonable speed again. I have to call my ISP about that about once a month. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two not too very bright city guys decided to go into the dairy business. They drove up to a dairy farm and asked the owner if he had any cows for sale. The owner had been trying to get rid of a non performing bull for years told them he would let his best producing cow go for a mere one thousand dollars. The 2 guys said wonderful and loaded up the bull and left. They got back to their place and tried to milk the bull but didn't get any milk. So one of the guys ran back to the farmer to find out how to get the milk flowing. The farmer told them they had to make the cow drink plenty of water and then pump the tail up and down. Satisfied the city slicker went back and he and his partner pushed the bull down to the stream. Well, the bull wasn't very thirsty and didn't drink so one guy held the bulls head in the water and the other guy pumped igorously with the tail. About that time the bull decided to take advantage of the raised tail and to dump some solids. The guy pumping yelled to his friend "Raise his head he is sucking mud." -------- Well, he sure would not try to hold the head of one of the 2500 pound bulls they have around here. Those bulls flip a car over if they don't like it's color.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spare Change Adds Up I have been saving my husband's and my spare change for years. This year I decided to document every "cash-in", to see exactly how much change that we wound up with at the end of the year. I have always used this money as a rainy-day fund, like when I was absolutely out of money, needed gas for the car, or an unexpected item from the grocery store. This year, I determined to earmark the money for a special project. I started collecting in January, and planned to use the money for garden expenses. If I used any of the money in the jar, then I made note of how much was taken, and put a reminder to repay it in the jar. This way, I was able to: 1. See how much money that I was able to save from just loose change, and 2. Keep up with how much was spent on my garden in a year's time. By November I had saved almost $600. By Carole from Locust Fork, AL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned- out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process. LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth. LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you? SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.... PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Best Horse Pix
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Dear Webby: Vista Problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 9, 2009


History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. --- Napoleon Bonaparte Anything too stupid to be said is sung. --- Voltaire
One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all." So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!" The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Sign at the church: Parking is for Church patrons only. Violators will be baptized.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Grass Mud Horses grazing
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 19 year old drunk in Alice Springs, Australia Driving while drunk and breastfeeding Police in Australia arrested a teenage mum - for breastfeeding while driving her car. Just before she was pulled over in Alice Springs, the 19-year-old mum almost crashed into a police car, reports The Sun. She was so drunk she couldn't give a breath test - and already banned from driving from a previous offence. Apart from driving while disqualified, the woman was also driving an unregistered and uninsured vehicle. Northern Territory Duty Superintendent Jamie Chalker said police were "absolutely outraged". He said: "A five-month-old child was placed at significant risk, and had the police officers not been able to brake to avoid the collision, then the outcome could've been even horrific." Supt Chalker said this was the first time he had ever heard of a mother being caught driving while breastfeeding. "It just challenges the mind that people can choose to be so flippant about road laws and people's lives, particularly their young children," he said. The baby was placed in the care of relatives. The young mum was charged with failing to provide a breath sample, driving while disqualified in an unregistered and uninsured car, failing to give way and driving with an unrestrained child.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Duane Re: Vista problem Hi Webby, I have Vista home and even thouth my recycle bin is empty, I keep getting the pop up that I am running low on space and the file needs emptying. What can I do to turn it off?? Thanks, Duane Dear Duane For all Vista problems, contact M$ I don't allow Vista onto any Webby computers, and have no experience with it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure. ---------------------------------- To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a commitee.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Party Idea: Garden Themed Potato Bar Fill an oval tin ice bucket with hot baked potatoes. Use different containers such as a decorative flower pot to hold shredded cheese, use the flower pot saucers to hold the bacon bits or another condiment. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two soldiers are late returning from their leave, and now they're standing before their sergeant: "How could you be late for two whole hours? What if a war broke out?" "Well, Sergeant, we went to the opera and we just got carried away with the performance." "Opera?!" the sergeant exclaims. "I know you turkeys got good and drunk, but I doubt you got drunk enough on YOUR salary to wind up in the opera!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dunes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, what is the best way to back up a computer? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 8, 2009


Abstract art is a product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. --- Al Capp There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --- Cicero
Bob took his 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night". As they were eating hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" He responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.He was quiet for a couple of minutes and obviously in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The pastor had launched into one of his "Best Ever"messages. He was about half done, at the 45-minute mark and just getting to the "good part," when a member of his congregation died. Rushing to his office, he dialed 911. When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics carried out 51 people before they finally got one who didn't wake up when they got him to fresh air.
Thanks to Joan for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leon Edwards, 28 of Avondale, Ohio Sent in by Karl 350-pound man damages bus Leon Edwards refused to get off a Metro bus Monday, setting off a chain of events that forced the driver to stop, disrupting the bus line. A bus driver demanded the 28-year-old Avondale man get off the 78 line bus at Leggett Street and Medosch Avenue in Lincoln Heights at 9 p.m. Edwards is accused of leaning his 350-pound body into the bus door until the glass shattered and threatening to stab the driver, Lincoln Heights police said. Then Edwards fled. He is now facing charges of vandalism, aggravated menacing and disrupting public service. Officers caught up to Edwards a short distance away. He was carrying a knife, according to a report. Hamilton County Municipal Judge Ted Berry set bond for Edwards at $17,500. Berry added that if Edwards posts bond he may not ride Metro busses.
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: "Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$%$@# up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a voice bellowed out from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Steve Re: Back Up Dear Webby, Once again I am in need of your help. Using XP what is the best way & best media to back up critical files? Is it better to back up to CD's or an external drive? Do you recommend one drive over another? Is there a Webby Approved back up program, like Diskeeper is to defrag, better than the one on XP? Your time & advice is greatly appreciated. Keep up the superb work on the newsletter. The world is a better place for it. Thanx, Steve J. Dear Steve Backups are like motorcycle helmets. 1) Some people have nothing worth protecting, and in their case they are a waste of time and money. 2) They are only good if they are used regularly Floppies and CDs are a nuisance, and not worth the hassle, unless you keep them at the bank in your safety deposit box. External drives are easy to use, but again, keep in mind that they should be stored far away from the computer. Best, by far, is online back-up. You pay $4.95 - $250 a month and back up an unlimited amount of stuff any time you want, automatically. However, if you are on slow dial-up, forget it. You need reasonable up/downloading speed. The best of those is Mozy Up to 2 GB free, $4.95 a month for unlimited. Buy it for a year and get 3 months free. It has an easy configurator that suggests what to back up and lets you add anything you want to that list. I like it enough, so that I put it into my tool box at http://webby.com/tools The initial back-up takes a long time, but after that it only backs up what is new or has changed. And it does it quitely, whenever the machine has been idle for 20 minutes. If you don't have a reasonably good Internet connection, get yourself any external hard drive that fits into your budget. You can get a small paperback book size TeraByte (1000 GB) external drive for $100, or one that fits into a shirt pocket and is thinner than the padding in most bras, but holds 160 GB and cost around $50. Have FUN! DearWebby
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Easter Basket Items When making Easter baskets, keep in mind such things as colorful pencils, fancy erasers, sugar free candies, cute little stuffed animals, flavored lip balm or gloss, crayons, colored pencils, modeling clay or Play-dough (or make your own). Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jill wanted to convince Susan, a continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. She invited her to dinner and, while she was busy cooking, Susan agreed to watch her videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques. Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed Jill the tape. "It was good," she said, "but I don't need it." "But it's a 70-minute video," Jill replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing." "Yes, I did," Susan assured her. "I put it on fast-forward."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: April Showers 2 May Flowers:
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Lost QuickLaunch 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  April 7, 2009


The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever. --- Anatole France Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. --- Niels Bohr
A man dies and goes to heaven, and Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him, and Saint Peter says, "Oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you, so you can all be together." He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side. They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless". They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers," replies Saint Peter. Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "We must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound." They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room. "Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Eric Akia in Boulder County, Colorado Sent in by Karl A family of six was burned out of their straw-bale home in Boulder County early Friday after an attempt to thaw pipes with a blowtorch set the structure on fire. Cmdr. Rick Brough, spokesman for the Boulder County Sheriff's Office, said the owner, Eric Akia, was in the crawl space attempting to thaw frozen pipes when the fire started. Akia's wife and four children were inside the house, but escaped. Akia and his wife were treated at a hospital in Estes Park for possible smoke inhalation. The family lost almost everything, including their pet fish, Brough said. The family's three dogs, cat, parrot and pig were saved. The secluded home was on an unplowed road, making it difficult for firefighters to reach. Snowplows had to first clear the road.
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today, they won't notice."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosemary Re: Lost Quick-Launch Dear Webby, I just lost all my quick launch toolbar at the lower left. How do I get them back? Rosemary Dear Rosemary Try right-clicking the Status bar click on Tool Bars and put the checkmark onto QUICK LAUNCH Have FUN! DearWebby
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"... Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a "What To Do" List for Idle Moments Have you ever wondered how some people get more done than others? I have always believed that wasting time is as bad as wasting resources or money. I started taking stock of how much time I spend waiting for something, and the numbers will astound you! Example: I spend 30 hours a year waiting for my coffee to brew! If you spend 5 minutes a day, that comes out to be just about 30 hours per year! I spend about twice that waiting for a bus! And don't even get my started on the 20 minutes per hour that is nothing but commercials on each and every show I watch! So, I compiled a list of what I do while I wait. I hope this will help you not only in your time management, but perhaps even help you eliminate some things you may be doing that you don't even like! By Sandra from Salem, OR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While Kathy is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily. Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day. When she hears this, Kathy rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small, soggy paper bag. So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?" "I went home to get my pajamas!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mars
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: External Hard Drive 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 6, 2009


Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein. --- Joe Theismann, Former quarterback Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. --- Socratex
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them with his front end loader. The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The man answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies. "Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Thanks to dad for this picture: This one bloomed today (amongst 27 others, different ones) The other ones are at http://dawna.com
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the White House White House gives out sex line number Journalists hoping to interview Hillary Clinton on the G20 summit were surprised when the number they were given turned out to be a phone sex line. The White House accidentally listed a sex line number for journalists seeking an "on-the-record briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Advisor Jim Jones", reports Fox News. Journalists who dialled the number heard a soft-voiced female recording, that was clearly not Clinton, asking for a credit card number if you "feel like getting nasty". After several efforts to make sure that the phone number was correctly dialled, a call to the White House resulted in a corrected press release. "If you are having trouble dialling into the call, please try this number as an alternative," it said, and listed the international line included for reporters abroad to dial. By this time, the conference call was already under way. Asked for comment, in typical Democrat fashion, Deputy White House Press Secretary Bill Burton tried to shift the blame onto Fox: "A corrected phone number on a press release is probably one of the stupider things Fox News has covered lately."
A rich woman was giving a garden party with many wealthy guests in attendance. While the party was going on, two gardeners were doing yard work on the rear lawn. While one of the guests was watching him, one of the gardeners suddenly jumped into the air and performed numerous graceful swirling dance movements. The guest remarked to his hostess, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $100 to dance before all of the guests!" When the hostess asked the head gardener about making such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for $100 you could step on that rake again?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: External Hard Drive Does anyone use an External hard drive, I read on some reviews that people have some problems with them, just would like to get some feed back. Thomas Dear Thomas If you can walk and chew gum under competent supervision, then you won't have problems with external drives. The problems with "Plug-and-Play" were solved with the Pentium 11 years ago. Just get a $10 - $20 USB hard drive enclosure and a hard drive that fits into it. The shirt pocket size enclosures need laptop drives, the paperback book size enclosures are for the big 5 1/4" drives. Price is about the same. Stick a new drive, or one from a retired machine, into it, plug the unit into a USB port and it shows up as a new hard drive. Considering that 80 GB drives are available for around $35, and TeraByte (1000 GB) for under $100, it's hardly worth digging an old 4 GB drive out of an old machine, but if you are in a hurry, old drives definitely DO work fine. Just do a deep format on them to lock out bad clusters. You can even get "Open" enclosures, that look like a phone re-charging stand. You drop the remote drive of the day into it, and do your back-up. When done, pick it up like a phone, and stick it into your shirt pocket. Make sure you remove it, before you heave the shirt into the washing machine! I have used external drives daily since the mid 90's and never had a problem with them. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to try to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met the farmer. He told the farmer his story. "Was it a large brown cow with a white spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes!" "Oh, I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the Farmer. "She only knows tractors and diesels, but doesn't really have a clue about gasoline engines."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting More Pop Out of Your Popcorn When making popcorn, I have found it is better not to heat the oil on a high heat at first. I know this may sound stupid, but the kernels get more more heat distribution if you start out slow. (Think: You don't cook prime rib steak on blazing heat from the get go; you'll end up burning parts and other parts will be undercooked.) After hearing the first few kernels pop, turn up the heat. Cook as normal. By Tim from Science Hil, KY That might be fine for KY hillbillies, who murder steaks on lukewarm griddles, instead of doing them right and juicy on a hot BBQ. With Popcorn I found that the method used to pop makes very little difference, if you have good kernels. If and when the inside of them gets hot enough, they pop. Popcorn, slowly popped in a tobacco tin sitting on the exhaust manifold of a hard working cat, tastes just as good as quickly popped microwave popcorn. You don't need any oil if you are popping it in a cast iron frying pan with a lid. Just make sure it is not too hot and singes the kernels. For extra flavor my favorite is Italian salad herbs and spices and a bit of salt stirred into melted butter and sprayed over the popcorn, when it is still hot. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Painted Eggs (not just for Easter)
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Installing XP onto a Vista machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 5, 2009


The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. --- Henry Stimson
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's four-year-old son had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I didn't go, He showed up!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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One night a father was helping his son with his homework. The father asked "What is the Gross National Product?". The little boy pondered for a minute and replied "Spinach ? Broccoli ?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Henderson Canyon
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fernandez, in Elkhart, Indiana School Warns Parents Dead Daughter Can’t Attend Prom Apparently a “software error” led a high school in Manchester, U.K. to send a disturbing letter to a couple saying their daughter needs to improve her attendance or she can’t go to the prom. The only problem is the teen died two months ago. The letter said Megan Gillan’s attendance was 60.4 percent, but the school requires its students to maintain a 92 percent attendance record. “I screamed when I first saw it,” said her mother Margaret Gillan. “If they want her to attend that much, I’ll take Megan’s remains. It’s disgusting." Gillan was found dead January 19 in her bedroom at her parent’s home. The school letter was dated March 16. The cause of Megan’s death is still unknown, and an inquest is expected in the next few months. “Megan would have loved going to the prom,” her mother said. “She planned to go with a group of friends, she was really looking forward to it.”
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office. She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - " "I had to throw the book at him," said the judge. "I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica ?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: CJW Re: Is Installing XP onto a Vista machine Is this possibile and any special steps other than backing up files. under Drives it says Acer C and Data D acer C is almost full Data D is empty 520 gb hard drive split between the two. thanks, cjw Dear CJW Yes, sure, no problem at all. Upload your keepers onto the web or burn them onto CDs or DVDs, D: is usually the CD / DVD Then you probably also have a hidden DOS partition with diagnostics. Here is how I partition: C: (BOOT) 12 GB. I keep it small and fast and reserve it JUST for Winows. That makes defrag and virus checking a snap. E: (Programs) ALL programs go onto this partition, but JUST the programs F: (Work) All files produced with the programs and anything downloaded G: (Diag) Diagnostic stuff and ancient programs that run in DOS, not Windows D: (CD/DVD) H: (Remote) USB Hard Drive I: Chip Reader (Camera chips) C:. E:, and F: I run in NTFS mode, and G: in FAT16 mode. If you don't have a partition manager, Easus is free at the link in my tool box. Some places charge $60 for it. You can partition before or after upgrading to XP. Personally, I prefer to get rid of the VISTA dumpster-ware as fast as possible, and then partition later, in XP. Once you have your keepers safely backed up, insert the XP set-up CD and elbow the ENTER key a bunch of times, whenever it asks for an OK.. Have FUN! DearWebby
The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter- viewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gardening On A Budget I think that the easiest way to garden on a budget is to have patience and to gain a collection of plants that are simple propagators; for example Sedum. You can break a piece from the mother plant and plunge it into the ground and it will stay green and thrive. The following year will bring you a hardy new plant with multiple stalks to fill out more and more with each year. I also like to buy hardy plants that can be safely split, like day-lilies already bloomed. These often get discounted after the flowers are gone. Take it home and slice it in half and plant it. You will have two fuller plants the following year, and it may re-bloom late summer. You can save a lot of money by asking for clippings, buds, or seeds from friends and family or by purchasing one plant and having some patience. By Gina from Collegeville, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rock Formations
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is XP-SP3 safe now? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 4, 2009


It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf. --- H. L. Mencken Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. --- Erica Jong I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it. --- Rita Mae Brown
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "Maybe the horses are getting too old now?"
Thanks to Nita for this picture: Dear Webby, This is a pair of wood ducks that landed in our back yard. Nita
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fernandez, in Elkhart, Indiana Sloppy Burglar ELKHART, Ind. (UPI) -- Police in Indiana said a burglary victim was arrested along with the suspected perpetrator after officers confiscated more than 31 pounds of marijuana. Investigators said Juan Trujillo, 21, was jailed on suspicion of burglary and marijuana possession, both felonies, after police found him with 30.24 pounds of marijuana that he allegedly took from the Elkhart home during the burglary, the Elkhart Truth reported. Cpl. Scott Hauser said the renter of the house, identified by his surname Fernandez, arrived home and gave police permission to search inside, where they discovered an additional 14 ounces of marijuana. Fernandez was arrested on marijuana possession charges. He could face up to three years in prison if convicted. -------------- Gee, can't even count on burglars to take all the dope any more!
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked. "Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied. "What's it for?" asked the first boy. "I don't know," the second boy answered. "But if grown-ups stand on it, don't go near them for ten minutes. That thing makes them mad."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Is SP3 safe Hi Webby, Thanks again for your reply. I don't know if I am in the 45% range. If I do download SP3 and it screws up my computer will I be able to delete it and replace SP 2. Bob Dear Bob For many people with older machines it forces Windows to reboot before it fully loads. Formatting and re-installing XP and the SP3 Blocker returns the machine to full function. Of course, your collection of .... ahem, prayers and recipes, are gone. For many people it forces Windows to reboot before it fully loads. Formatting and re-installing XP and the SP3 Blocker returns the machine to full function. Of course, your collection of ...., ahem prayers and recipes, are gone. All of our machines work just fine with SP2, and I don't plan to waste time gambling with SP3. Have FUN! DearWebby
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" The teacher said. "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize all about it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stock Up When Your Brand Goes on Sale If you're "brand loyal" and don't want to give that up, stock up when "your" brand is on sale. The store I work at generally has Pepsi products on sale one week, and Coke products the next. Or if the brand is not that important, buy only what is on sale. By Bailegirl Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Californian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Californian was waiting for the government to pay his."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: London Fog
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Yahoo email formatting problems 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  April 3, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


None are so busy as the fool and knave. --- John Dryden The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities. --- Sophocles A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. --- P. J. O'Rourke
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow hall when he came face to face with a rival. The passage way was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said with a sneer, "I never make way for fools!" Smiling, the gracious professor stepped aside and with a bow replied, "I always do."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Al Capp, creator of the famous comic strip Lil Abner, was one day invited to a university to give a lecture to the students. Before he could begin speaking to the large group assembled in the auditorium, an unkempt-looking student at the back shouted a vulgar word at him. The word hung in the air as an uncomfortable silence lasted but a moment... Capp, keeping his cool, quipped, "Now that you've given us your name, what is your question?"
Convention
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Victor Harris in Saginaw, Michigan Trapped by his gas tanks Man got finger trapped in gas tank SAGINAW, Mich. (UPI) -- A man in Saginaw, Mich., says he spent nearly 4 hours at a gas station after getting one of his fingers trapped in his sport utility vehicle's gas tank. Victor Harris said he was attempting to remove a piece of paper from his Lincoln Navigator's gas tank Friday, when he found he was unable to extract his finger from his vehicle, WJRT-TV of Flint, Mich., reported. "A piece of paper was around the little hole, so I just tried to put my little finger in there, rub it off," Harris said. "My finger just slipped in there. It was like, 'Dang, it won't come out.'" He tried unsuccessfully for nearly 2 hours to remove his finger, before fire crews and emergency personnel were called to the scene. The emergency workers ultimately cut the vehicle's gas tank out to allow Harris to be taken to a nearby hospital with his finger still trapped. Finally, after 4 1/2 hours, Harris' finger was freed.
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut? Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing. W1: Oh! That's so cute! W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. MEANWHILE.... Man 1: Got your ears lowered ? Man 2: Yeah, it's getting warmer outside. Man 1: Sure is. Guess it's time to tune up the lawn mower. Man 2: You get the beer, I'll bring the tools.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sarah Re: Empty newsletter Todays's letter was empty - void of content - first time this has happened Dear Sarah Yeah, I know it is you and not Bill. Bill doesn't blurt like an AOLer and he signs off with his name. Your subscription was not empty. As you saw, when you replied or when you forward it, it's just a bug in your Yahoo. When you reply or forward or make it look like you are going to show somebody, just how badly screwed up Yahoo is, then it suddenly behaves. Just hit FORWARD, and all the stuff they were hiding from you, suddenly appears like it was supposed to in the first place. Apparently, toggling between new and classic mail, also reveals what they have been holding hostage. Yahoo might be great for cybersex, but it is difficult to look sophisticated while riding a pig. Have FUN! DearWebby
Bubba and Betty-Sue got married and were on their way to Disney World for their honeymoon. When they got within 20 miles, Bubba put his hand on Betty-Sue's knee. Betty-Sue told him: "Oh, darling, were are married now. You can go further." So, like the real red-neck he is, he put both hands on the steering wheel, stomped down the accelerator, and drove all the way to Miami.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Summer Hat for an Easter Basket Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Really?" said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Bizarre Statues
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: AOL censoring actioncat.com 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 2, 2009


Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. --- Jules Feiffer I have often depended on the blindness of strangers. --- Adrienne E. Gusoff There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters. --- Alice Thomas Ellis
John brought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately. "My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?" "22 years", replied John. "You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years." "Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A generously endowed young lady at a major university often got teased by her sorority sisters for being so top-heavy. At a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be the double D." he said. The girl was furious, wondering which of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped. Surprised at her angry response, the young man meekly answered, "Oh, you know -- the Designated Driver."
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: This is some very cute statuary art that has been done at a fire station not too far from my house, and every time I drive by there I have to grin at this Dalmatian with his ears flying as he slides down that pole, and one of the firemen said " yes, those ring tailed Dalmatians are EXTREMELY rare, and in fact this one may be the only one in exesistance" ;-)
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Margaret Christie, 53, in Chelsea, Mass Flashy robber Police say fingernails gave away robber CHELSEA, Mass. (UPI) -- Police in Chelsea, Mass., say a bank robbery suspect was apprehended after being identified by her orange fingernail polish. A witness said the woman who made off with $450 in cash from the Sovereign Bank Wednesday had nails coated with a bright burnt orange fingernail polish, The Boston Globe reported. The robber presented a note demanding money to a teller and left the scene after the bank employee complied, police said. Thanks to another witness who wrote down the license plate number of the fleeing robber's vehicle, police quickly located their suspect. After tracing the license plate and locating the accompanying vehicle, police found their suspect, Margaret Christie, and her flashy fingernails, and put her in jail, the Globe said. http://www.ci.chelsea.ma.us/Public_Docu ... /I0148ADBD
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her ,"Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: John Re: ActionCat cards To whom it may concern, I am writing for my Mom. We love the Action Cat e-cards and send them to each other often. Now for some reason my Mom has now been unable to send or to receive them. We've been sending them for years. Her e-mail address is ******@aol.com Would you please let me know if you have any suggestions as how to fix this problem. Thank you very much. Sincerely, John Dear John ActionCat works just fine. I even sent a test card just now. You can do the same, and send a test card to yourself. http://actioncat.com It is AOL, that doesn't work right. I have no idea why AOL does not allow your mother to receive cards from Actioncat. It is a clean, family safe, non-political site benefitting animal shelters. You can try contacting AOL support, but I doubt that will do more than waste your time. Why don't you pretend to be a big spender and get your mother a $9 Earthlink account, or an account with ANY respectable ISP ? Have FUN! DearWebby
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 2, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "No, I don't want THAT one back. I mean the one that I want them to find for me!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Summer Hat for an Easter Basket When my children were babies, instead of Easter baskets, we picked out a cute summer hat and used it as a basket instead. We put little things in it a baby could use, like a small bottle of juice, a teething toy, a small book, etc. By Marie from Idaho Falls, ID Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

From High School Exams: 1. Chemistry: Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. 2. Biology: The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u. 3. Sex Ed: To prevent contraption: wear a condominium. 4. First Aid: For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New Zealand Landscapes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Sound of the Internet 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 1, 2009


Gullible Warming was BS, and I got the snow to prove it. Now, as of today, we will have Global Cooling. Hopefully that will cause a heat wave and melt the three feet of snow on the sides of my driveway.
There are four great religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. 4. Jehovah Witnesses do not recognize each other at a hooters restaurant
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: How abd is the economy? Cats are so dramatic!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Demetrius Soupolos and Frank Maus in Stuttgart, Germany Sent in by Cookie Duds
Today in 1930 - Stunt where Leo Hartnett of the Chicago Cubs broke the altitude record for a catch by catching a baseball dropped from the Goodyear blimp 800 feet over Los Angeles, CA. He caught the ball cleanly, saying, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooowwwwwwww!". His injuries included a broken jaw.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Barry Re: Yahoo mail formatting trick Hey Webby! I think I have solved it. In AT&T Yahoo, you have the option of using "Classic Mail" or "All-new Mail" format. Depending on which format you were in when you first get your newsletter, if you switch to the other format, presto...there it is. Hope this helps your other readers. Barry Dear Barry Thanks! Have FUN! DearWebby
From the April 1, 2001 Humor Letter: ====From Marcy The music on the postcards is not as loud as it used to be. You must have turned down the volume if the Internet. Please correct your mistakes immediately and turn up the Internet where it is supposed to be so that I can hear it properly! Marcy==== Hi Marcy The volume control is in the little speaker icon on your task bar. If that is turned up, check for the setting on your speakers, or if there is maybe a short circuit between your earphones. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Vinaigrettes I've found this to be very helpful when I've forgotten to add a needed item to my grocery list. Vinaigrettes are a secret weapon for fast flavor. Use them as a marinade for chicken or drizzle spoonfuls over simply baked fish and salads. Whisk together 1/4 cup olive oil, 2 tablespoons white wine vinegar and a 1/2 tsp. ground mustard. Then add herbs, say tarragon or dill, or spices like cumin and a pinch of red pepper, plus salt and pepper. Stir in a bit of honey for a sweet touch. By Connie from Oden, AR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bed clothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, then you're welcome to stay here, too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Capture the moment
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, can I rejuvenate an old laptop? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  March 31, 2009


For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. --- Clifton Fadiman Celebration of your achievement is as important as your achievement because success builds on success. --- John Powers
A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the teacher decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! Finally a kid volunteered: "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but you sure sound like a squirrel to me!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Home Again
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to Craig Allard, 38, of Westbrook, Maine Fatal escape into traffic YORK, Maine -- A 38-year-old Westbrook man has died after he fled from police while in handcuffs and ran into traffic on the Maine Turnpike. Maine State Police said Craig Allard was pulled over in York on a routine traffic stop at about 1:30 p.m. Saturday. Spokesman Steve McCausland told the Portsmouth Herald that Allard was handcuffed and placed in the police cruiser after the trooper found a suspected package of heroin in Allard's car. McCausland said Allard was hit by the side mirror of a box truck after he ran into a turnpike travel lane as he was being moved from the cruiser's back seat to the front seat so he could have Craig Allard more leg room. Allard was taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland, where a spokeswoman confirmed his death. Allard's name showed up on a Dec 6/08 heroin arrest, and he has drug related conviction records in at least three other states.
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM bank machine over there."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mickey Re: Old laptop Dear Webby I crunched the screen on my newish laptop and have to fall back onto my old one. I retired it a few years ago, because it had gotten too slow and eventually became rather fussy about starting up at all. Is it worth trying to re-install, and if so, how do I do it? I do have all the disks that came with it in a ziplock bag. It is a 2001 or 2002 Toshiba Satellite. Thanks Mickey Dear Mickey Chances are that your old laptop will work just as fast as the day you bought it, if you do a re-install. Find the three CDs labeled Recovery. They SHOULD be named "Nuke all and start from scratch", but they call them Recovery. Put the first one into the CD drive. Start the laptop and keep hitting ESC and F1. That lets you into the scary black and white BIOS. In there, the mouse does not work. You move around with arrow keys, and you change stuff with the space bar. Change the boot sequence so that CD is the first opton. Then hit END to accept and save the changes. After that, the CD should start whirring, and a scary grey on black message tells you that you will lose everything if you continue. Hit C to continue. Then it will do a deep format, nuking everything. That may take hours. Just ignore it and let it do it's thing. After a couple of hours touch an arrow key, and you will get a message to insert the second CD. Do that and hit Enter. A while later it will ask for the third CD. Eventually, you will wind up with a virgin Windows XP. In the meantime, plug in the cable from the modem or router. At the end of the installation it will offer to register the machine and Windows. By all means let it register Windows. In the process it sets up your network connection without any fuss at all (if you have DSL or are on a router). Next, browse to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and grab the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker. SP3 would most likely kill that old laptop. Mess around with those two blockers until you are 100% sure that they are installed, not just downloaded! Then go into Settings, ADD/Remove programs and dump AOL, ATT, and Norton. They are all as old as the laptop and rather useless. Windows will complain that you have no protection and show a link to a page with over a dozen anti virus programs. Chose your favorite one and get it. After you have installed it, it is safe to let Windows do an update. There are many ways to do that, but the easiest is probably to hit HELP and look for Windows Update. It has the links you need in the search results. Set the auto-update to just notify. Then let it update from 2002 to 2009. That takes a couple hours or more. In the meantime you can customize your desktop, download Firefox, and get all the important utilities from my tool box. That's all there is to it. It is tedious and time consuming, but not difficult, if you do it in this sequence. Have FUN! DearWebby
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university. "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next year."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Coffee Filter for Potting You can use a paper coffee filter to put in a flower pot to cover the hole, before putting the soil in. It keeps the soil from running out when being watered. By Gracie Pie from Astor, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more? Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card? Joe: No! Mike: Neither will Bob.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lake Superior
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Weird Yahoo email formatting 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  March 30, 2009


I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. --- Thomas Jefferson The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet. --- William Gibson
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume fer me lass at home?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a wee bit much," said Clarence. So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still a wee bit much," Clarence groused. Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 sample bottle. "What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really cheap." So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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I don't normally tell blonde jokes, but this one was sent to me by a beautiful blonde lady who obviously must know which jokes are OK, and which ones go too far. ------------ A plane is on its way on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach, she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The stewardess and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her first class wasn't going to New York.
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: EllisIs land Immigration Museum NYC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jerome Blanchett, 19, in Harrisurg, Pennsylvania Dumb robber picks police summit Jerome Blanchett, 19 in Pennsylvania accused of a robbery at a narcotics police convention has been described as probably the state’s dumbest criminal. Retired police chief John Comparetto was attending the meeting of 300 officers when he was held up at gunpoint in the men’s toilets. He handed over money and a phone but then he and some colleagues gave chase as the suspect tried to flee in a taxi. They arrested a 19-year-old man over the incident near Harrisburg. Blanchett, who is awaiting trial on four previous robbery charges, was arraigned on new robbery charges along with charges of making terroristic threats, reckless endangerment, simple assault, carrying a firearm without a license and illegally possessing a firearm. His bail was set at $1 million. The 19-year-old Blanchett is the proud owner of an extensive criminal history; one that includes 10 previous felony convictions.
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann S Re: No content in Yahoo mail Dear Webby, Everything is blank until I hit reply and I can read the jokes. What is wrong? It came on my email as spam and I hit the no spam key and since then it comes to my email but nothing is on it. Ann S Dear Ann From what I hear, that is just a Yahoo "feature". You DO get the content, but Yahoo trashes the formatting, until it looks like you are going to show others, how incompetent they are at Yahoo. Then they suddenly behave. There may be a setting in your Yahoo mail to get around that, but it seems to be secret. You just have to get used to that Yahoo "feature". Have FUN! DearWebby
There's a little boy at school and asks the teacher if he can go to the washroom. "Okay" says the teacher. "But first you've got to say the alphabet." They boy says the alphabet: "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z." "What happened to the 'p'?" asked the teacher. "It's leaking out of my boots now."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. Greetings Empress: Thank you for the quick, detailed answer. Due to my lack of computer knowledge; I really need easy detailed help, which you gave.It's like having a friend you never see. Best wishes, Lisa
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com When Moving, Set Up Beds First When moving, the first piece of furniture you want to move into your new house are the beds. Place them in the designated bedrooms, put them together, and make them up. At the end of the day, all you want to think about is a shower, food, and a good night's rest. Other things can wait until the next day. This way you will not have to sleep on the floor or groan about having to make beds when you are so tired. This is very important if you are moving and have children. By Linda from Arlington, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the blazes was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, you will have to refill your credit cards yourself. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Contrails
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how can I recover a lost Windows password? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  March 29, 2009


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --- Douglas Casey Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. --- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
Church Bloopers This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. ---- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital. First doc asks, "Did you tell that politician in room 316 that he was going to die?" "Sure did", second one answers. First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Craig Allen Aylesworth, 51 of Bithlo, Florida Man tosses gas bomb in fight, sets own cars ablaze The Associated Press 5:27 p.m. March 27, 2009 BITHLO, Fla. — Authorities said a man threw a Molotov coccktail at his neighbor's trailer, but the wind shifted and set fire to two cars, a pickup and a travel trailer in the man's own yard. The Florida Highway Patrol reported that a 51-year-old man got into a fight with his neighbor on Tuesday night and threw the makeshift gasoline bomb. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved. The man faces multiple charges, including arson. He was being held at the Orange County Jail. Orlando Sentinel http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/loc ... 4875.story
A nursing home resident, suffering from dementia, decided to shed all of her clothes and "streak." She passed two male residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway. The first male asked the second, "Who was that?" Second: "I THINK it was 'Miss Rita.'" First: "Well, what was that she had on?" Second: "I don't know, but I think it needs ironing."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patricia Re: Need to recover lost Windows password Dear Webby, When it comes to using a computer, a friend of mine is totally jinxed. This morning she tried to log on and Microsoft asked for her password. She put in the latest one and it wouldn't accept it, tried old ones, no good either. Now she can't get into her computer, and doesn't know what to do. Uses XP with Foxfire. I'm wondering if using the start up disc would help? I'm not very computer literate either but at least can come up with a few ideas. This one has me stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Having fun in sunny Arizona but heading for snowy Michigan soon. Patricia Dear Patricia Tell her to go to a cyber cafe or friend, and print this page: http://webby.com/techtips/lost-XP-password.html It has all the instructions, and they are not telling her to browse anywhere without a password, or buy weird stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two little boys are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. Greetings Empress: Thank you for the quick, detailed answer. Due to my lack of computer knowledge; I really need easy detailed help, which you gave.It's like having a friend you never see. Best wishes, Lisa
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Create an Inventory List for Household Products To cut down on buying items you already have, create an inventory list for the bathroom, kitchen and pantry. Create two columns. Column 1 is to list the items you like to have on hand and column 2 is to check off when you run out of an item. Laminate the sheet of paper and use a dry erase marker to mark the appropriate column. Hang the papers in easily accessible locations that you can remember, like the inside of the medicine cabinet or on the fridge. By Lynn from Oregon Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Boston Fire Department borrowed a $650,000 fire truck from the manufacturer to try out if it fit under all their bridges. One good high speed run got it nicely wedged under an overpass, causing $75,000 damage to the truck. They hit the overpass so hard that 3 of them were injured. But not to worry. Boston has lots of trucks that are already flattened at the top.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Painting with light
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: AOL censoring 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  March 28, 2009


Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless. --- Thomas A. Edison
Marcy went to her doctor with two very red ears. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered: "I was ironing a shirt and remembered I had to call for a hair appointment. I used the speed dial - but when they answered, instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "They called called back to ask what the screaming was all about"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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If you have amnesia and experience deja-vue at the same time, does that mean you feel like you've forgotten this stuff before?
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture: Start Shoveling!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Neanderthalers in Oakland, CA Neanderthalers claim Genocide Dozens march for Mixon, against police About 60 people marched and rallied in Oakland on Wednesday to condemn the police and honor Lovelle Mixon, who was killed by Oakland police after he fatally shot four officers Saturday. "OPD you can't hide - we charge you with genocide," chanted the demonstrators as they marched along MacArthur Boulevard. , near the intersection with 74th Avenue where Mixon, 26, a fugitive parolee, gunned down two motorcycle officers who had pulled him over in a traffic stop. He killed two more officers who tried to capture him where he was hiding in his sister's apartment nearby. Mixon was suspected in several rapes, including that of a 12-year-old girl, and was wanted on several charges, including parole violation. The protest was organized by the Oakland branch of the Uhuru Movement, whose flyers for the march declared, "Stop Police Terror." Apparently it did not occur to them that sane people consider murdering four police officers as terror, and justification for stopping the killer by any means.
Anni was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said Anni from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said Anni. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" Anni replied brightly, "I don't know. "
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Teresa Re: AOL failure Dear Webby; I have used ActionCat daily for about 8 years until a couple weeks ago. Suddenly I can not access the site from AOL, I can still get there from Internet Explorer but that is a pain. Could you and AOL make up please? Teresa Dear Teresa Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about the bozos at AOL. As you can see, ActionCat does work fine. About all you can do is contact AOL, and tell them that you will move to a respectable ISP, if they don't stop censoring what you want to see. Censoring http://actioncat.com is worse than the censoring that goes on in China. There is absolutely nothing political o Actioncat. By the way, people in China are rebelling against censorship in a humorous way with the Grass Mud Horse. You can read about it at http://cao-ni-ma.com/ and send free Grass Mud Horse postcards at http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html If you have friends in China, send them a card to show your moral support. The cards are free and you don't have to register. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Easy Grow Potatoes In Boxes Want to grow potatoes? Lacking the gumption to dig them up? Here's the answer: Boxes. Pick a spot in your yard where you'd like to improve the soil a bit and set out your boxes (at least the size of a 5 gallon bucket). Fill the boxes with dirt and plant your potatoes, remember to water and weed. When it comes time, either break, tear, or dump the dirt from the boxes and pick up the 'taters! By Sarah from Berrien Springs, MI There is an even easier way! Make a high-bed! Instead of paying disposal fees for an old freezer, park it in your garden, paint it with flowers and fill it with compost and dirt. Place your cut potato pieces (-one "eye" per piece-) ON TOP of the dirt. Cover it with an old bed sheet and make it wet. In a few days you will see little mounds where the potatoes have sprouted. Stab the sheet so that the leaves can wiggle through. Water when needed and laugh about the neighbors who have to weed and hill their potatoes. Starting in mid summer you can reach in under the sheet and harvest clean potatoes one meal's worth at a time. In the fall, after the first frost colors the potato foliage, cut it with a machete or large kitchen knife, gather the sheet and cut foliage into a tidy bundle fr the compost, and there you see piles of potatoes waiting for you! I have used this method for many years even in the Yukon. Up there we used concrete rebar hoops and plastic to make a tunnel to extend the short growing season, and always had more potatos than expected. Without bending down! Have FUN! Dear Webby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "You must have been REALLY wicked to turn ALL of grandma's hairs white!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kerala India Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is there a safe compressed air? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  March 27, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. --- Marshall McLuhan Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose. --- Andy Rooney
Thanks to Frank fro this comparison: Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," she reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Senior, 26, Illinois Too dumb for a balcony An Illinois man, David Senior, 26, leaned over a 6th floor hotel balcony backwards to show a woman in that room that it was safe to do so. He ended up, instead, showing her how to fall from the 6th floor balcony, onto the concrete ledge 4 stories below, and live. Ta da! "From the conversation we had with people in the room, (Senior) wanted to impress the young ladies," the hotel spokesperson said. "One was concerned about the height, so to sort of tease her he leaned back onto the rail and went over."
The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked Bobbie, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 25 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 130 degrees, 15 minutes West longitude...?" After a confused silence Bobbie replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone. That's halfway to Hawaii, and I can't swim."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Amira Re: Safe comprssed air Dear Webby; Which brand of compressed air is safe? I read that some brands contain gases that the kids use to get stoned and often die from. Naturally I don't want those around. Amira Dear Amira None of them are safe, for one reason or another. If you want to be silly and blow dust from one place to another, use a straw and blow into it. If you want to clean up the dust bunnies in and under your computer or clean the cookie crumbs from your keyboard, use a vacuum cleaner. Have FUN! DearWebby
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink. She said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup." There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention.Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly." Bill, his father in law replied: "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Experimental Decorating With What You Have I have a friend who is relocating for her new job and doesn't want to bring anything with her - or even buy new furniture, as she doesn't know how long she will be there. If I were her, I would use it as a chance to do some cheap experimental decorating. Make a little side table out of a large roll of newspapers tied, with a glass plate on top. Or a pile of old hardback books. Make bottle lamps with converters from the hardware store, wine bottles and thrift shop shades. Use old wood crates for side tables. Make brick and board bookcases. Put your mattress on the floor. Put transparent contact paper on the windows for privacy. Look around for neat found objects. (I had a big piece of wood I dragged in from a camping trip in the big living room of my old NYC apt. Or collect neat river stones or shells). Make a footstool from a foam cooler covered with a remnant. Make wastepaper baskets from recycled ice cream cardboard containers wangled from your local ice cream place. Recycle any and all containers you can. Be creative! By Pamphyila from L.A., CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 40% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind. A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy. ----- You gotta be nuts to go see a shrink!
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canadian Maple Syrup
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Foreign spam 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  March 26, 2009


America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. --- Oscar Wilde Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them. --- Robertson Davies
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven). As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked "Why did you just stand there? Was it her a Bible quote ?" "Bible Quote???" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Some people's appliances!! A Wales woman in Llanelli, Dyfed had to call emergency services from her mobile phone when her washing machine pinned her against the sink. In a slick move, the machine, running on vibrations, slowly slid across the kitchen floor until it completed its destiny and she was pinned for the count. And what says the washing machine? It wouldn't respond to reporter's questions because it was feeling drained. The machine is not likely to repeat the behavior because it was probably just a cycle it was going through.
Thanks to my Dad for this picture: This one bloomed today
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Jones, 43, from Doncaster, England TomTom-foolery A South Yorkshire motorist was charged with careless driving after he nearly followed his sat nav over the edge of a cliff. Robert Jones, 43, from Doncaster, followed the device as he headed for a friend's house even when it began taking him up a steep, rocky footpath. He finally realised something was seriously wrong when his BMW hit a fence just inches from a 100ft drop, reports the Daily Mirror. Mr Jones said: "I just trusted the sat nav. It kept insisting that the path was a road even as it was getting narrower and steeper. "I rely on my sat nav, I couldn't do without it for my job. I guess I'm lucky the car didn't slip all the way over the edge. But it has been a bit of a nightmare." It took nine hours for a recovery team to haul the BMW away from the cliff edge in Todmorden, West Yorkshire. The rescue operation attracted a large crowd of astonished locals. Police confirmed Mr Jones had been charged. A spokesman said: "Nobody was hurt. But when someone nearly drives off a cliff that shows a lack of care which needs to be investigated."
Pierre from Montreal was in a hotel in Edmonton and phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Noose pepper!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ed Re: Foreign Spam Dear Webby; I get loads of spam from around the World every day offering millions of dollars if I send them my personal information. (If I accept two more checks, I'll be richer than Bill Gates!) As soon as I see a foreign country mentioned, I delete it. BUT... is there a way of automatically blocking these sites before they get to my screen? Hating to waste all those electrons, Ed Dear Ed I use MailWasher. MailWasher does a good job of keeping that kind of stuff out, or at least flagging it for deletion. If I had to look at every piece of mail sent to my addresses, I would not get any work done at all. Have FUN! DearWebby
(This one you have to read out loud) "Information? I need the number for Caseway Trasnport." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Healthy Living Tips To Keep Weight Off I've been slim for about 10 years (of course with a few ups and downs!) and have just realized that there are a lot of things I have been doing over the years automatically to help keep my weight down. I don't exercise but I do try to walk places and go up stairs when I can. My food eating habits are what really changed. Here are a few suggestions: * Cut Out Dairy (or Cut Down) * Eat High Cocoa Content Dark Chocolate * Make Your Own Popcorn Bags * Eat More During The Day And Less At Night By Lisa from Halifax, NS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The basketball coach stormed into the University President's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look, I'll Give you an example." The coach went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Three minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the University President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned first."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Weather calculator
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: AOL problems getting worse 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  March 25, 2009


Trying is lying. There is no such thing as trying. You do it or you don't. You get results in life or you have excuses why you didn't. When people say, 'I'll try,' they usually mean, 'I'm not going to do it now.' --- Dick Sutphen
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper," he said. "I meant the next baby!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

"How long will it take to pull my tooth?" The patient asked the dentist. "Only two seconds" "How much will it cost?" "Fifty dollars." "For only two seconds of work?" "Well," The dentist answered coolly, "I can pull it very, very slowly and make it last an hour if you prefer."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Seasonally confused Amaryllis
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $3.99 for a $2 item that she doesn't want, but that is on sale.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a bunch of robbers in Milwaukee, Washington Counterfeit money for buying fake drugs from cops ERWIN, Tenn. - A man was been arrested after police said he used counterfeit money to purchase fake OxyContin pills from an undercover officer. Unicoi County Sheriff's deputies arrested a 21-year-old man on Tuesday and charged him with criminal conspiracy with schedule II drugs, forgery and criminal simulation. Investigator Frank Rogers said the officer met with several people at a mobile home park and arranged for the suspect and another man to come to Unicoi to buy 76 OxyContin pills for $4,875. Officers said it was "obviously bad money" with some bills printed on just one side.
A woman marries a man expecting to change him. He doesn't change.. A man marries a woman hoping that she won't change but she always does.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erina Re: AOL problem Dear Webby; I know you are sending out the newsletter faithfully every day and I get it fine at work. My mother, though, first for a week didn't see the picture of the day, and now can't even get to your site any more. Yes, she is on AOL, and no matter how much we razz her about that, she won't budge. Is there ANYTHING that she can do to get the newsletter properly or at least not be bloked from your site? Is AOL doing that messing around on purpose? Erina Dear Erina Never assume malice, when routine incompetence can be an adequate explanation. A number of people wrote, that they had contacted AOL "support", but that it was just a waste of time. Some graduated from AOL and instantly got full and proper access to any place they wanted to go to, others are hoping that AOL will fix their problem soon. Have FUN! DearWebby
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Great!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dad gomit Ginger, get away from her before you stink like her!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baby Wipes for Quick Bathroom Cleanup I keep a box of inexpensive baby wipes (odor free) in my bathroom. I not only use them for quick cleaning of my face or hands, but I use them often to quickly wipe up a dirty sink or bathtub, around my toilet, on the lid or toilet seat and even use them to wipe up chrome faucets. If I use one on the bathroom sink I use it on the chrome too and if it isn't 'used-up' yet I will keep it handy to use again for quick wipe-ups. I find they are good throughout the house to wipe around windows, use on window blinds, etc. The uses are endless. By Karen from Davis, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to call on someone daily. One he selected was a young widow, her husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago. After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady with a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte." "You've found her Father." smiled the lady. "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms. "That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ancient Egypt
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: AOL not showing pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  March 24, 2009


I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. --- Dorothy Parker
The pastor was doing is weekly "children's message" with the children gathered around him down front. He was talking to the youngsters on their level about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven!" one of the girls cried out enthusiastically. "And what do you have to be to get there?" the preacher asked. "Dead!" yelled one of the boys.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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George and Nancy get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After years of putting up with her pestering, he finally decided he had enough and advised her that he would no longer drive with her in the car. Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring, just as he was merging onto a freeway. It was Nancy. By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind George. "Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights; it's starting to rain."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked: "What do you want, Sonny?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a bunch of robbers in Milwaukee, Washington Police: Robbers robbed while fleeing MILWAUKEE, Wash. (UPI) -- Milwaukee police said a pair of unlucky robbers were targeted by another group of thieves as they fled from a jewelry store. Lt. Thomas Welch said two men, ages 31 and 40, took money and jewelry from the store on the south side of the city at about 10:50 a.m. Wednesday while armed with at least one handgun, and were confronted by a group of four men as they attempted to flee, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported. Welch said the four men robbed the two original robbers, sparking a fight that turned into a car chase. He said the two men who allegedly robbed the jewelry store and two men from the second group, ages 22 and 27, were arrested. The money and jewelry were not recovered and police were searching for additional suspects. He said investigators were looking into whether the two groups of men knew each other prior to the incident.
Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room. The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked: "Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?" "To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Staza Re: Not seeing the pictures Dear Webby; Can you tell me why I am getting these x's? I can't get any picture on your site, or the bonus or Dingbatter. Please help me. AOL, sure didn't. ,they told me to try a lot of different setting and none of them worked. Thank you Staza Dear Staza That's just AOL's censoring. I can't fix AOL. Contact AOL "Support" and tell them again, that you want to go to all the places, and see all the pictures, that people with respectable ISPs can get to. Alternatively, you could decide to graduate from the sand box, and stop all that snickering and smirking behind your back. By the way, you are not the only AOLer, whom AOL treats as a second class netizen. For a couple of years now AOL has been not quite as bad as Yahoo, but they sure blew that in the last week or two. How much are they paying you for putting up with their abuse? Have FUN! DearWebby
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them. The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do everything." They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the solids into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!...she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her... "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?" She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gardening With Kids Gardening is something your kids can do outdoors that is both constructive and fun. The key is starting off slow so they don't get overwhelmed. Set aside a small patch of dirt where your kids can create their garden. Start with plants that will grow fast, like sunflowers, so they can be can see the fruits of their labor quickly. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close... "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
Thanks to Cookie for today's Bonus Link: Elvis and Celine
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Slow movies 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  March 23, 2009


Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. --- Robert Anton Wilson Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. --- Martin Luther King Jr.
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor.. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Bill: "Hey, tex, how big is your farm?" Tex: "Let me put it this way. If I were to get in my truck at sunrise and kept driving untill sundown, I STILL wouldn't be to the other side of my spread!" Bill: "Oh, yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have a truck like that too once!"
Thanks to Larry for sending this picture:
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?" "Oh, mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broken, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight." "Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George? Who's George?" "Why, that's your *husband*, dear." "Mom, I don't have a husband." "Is this 234-5678?" "Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused, then got rather hysterical: "But, but, but, you're still going to come over and help me, aren't you?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nathaniel Johnson, 19, in Seffner, Florida Teen commits crimes while wearing ankle monitor TAMPA, FL -- A Seffner teen is back behind bars today on burglary charges after a judge said the teen had run out of second chances. Nathaniel Johnson was arrested last fall on burglary, drugs and weapons charges. Hillsborough Judge Walter Heinrich set the 19-year-old free pending trial, with the stipulation Johnson wear an ankle monitoring system that tracks his movements. Hillsborough deputies say they used that system to place Johnson at the scene of two burglaries in a Brandon neighborhood earlier this month. Deputies arrested Johnson on five additional charges. Only this time, he's being held without bond. Hillsborough sheriff's deputy, Corporal Shane Burton said, "We were able to put him in the vicinity of the homes and pinpoint right down to the rooftops of where the burglaries were being done." Johnson was allowed out of his house between 5:00am and 11:00pm with the ankle monitoring system.
Church Bulletin board bleeper: I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to drink.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon S Re: Slow playing movies Dear Webby; Thanks. I think I understand it a bit more now. Is any one of them better for videos such as youtube. I have an awful time kkepint youtube playing. I was told by someone that is is because I am still on dialup. I have to get it playing then pause it & come back to ir later. I am at the point where I just don't even bother w/ most of them. Of I should get google chrome or Firefox & put it on the taskbar how do I awitch from IE which will probably have aready come up? Can I uninstall one of the new ones if I am not satified w/ it? Does using a google or firefox affect my mail & reading it? Thanks ever so much for your help. Have a purrfect day, Sharon S Dear Sharon Let's face it, you are severely punishing yourself for the sins of your wicked youth. Dial-Up plus hotmail. According to hotmail you are in Machesny Park, Illinois, and COULD get pretty fast cable or DSL for a quite reasonable price, if you shopped around a bit. With the connection you have, it makes no difference what browser you use. All will be just as slow. All you can do for movies or music is get it started downloading, and go pray for patience for a while. Re unused browsers, yes, except for IE, they all uninstall cleanly. IE should not be uninstalled, because some Microsoft programs use parts of it for their purposes. That is why the European Union has sued them for big money, and is still suing them. Have FUN! DearWebby
In a test of emergency systems some boy scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours. When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds for a refill."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wipe Down the Shower After years of scrubbing, it dawned on me one day that it didn't make sense that a tub, where I spend time to get clean, would get "dirty". I finally got everyone in the house to agree to use their towel to wipe down the walls and tub after each use. Now, I rarely have to clean the shower enclosure or tub. By Sandy I have been using a Magic Bubble sprayer for a couple of years now and am quite happy with it. You hit the button on it when you exit the shower, and 15 seconds later it starts spraying the inside of the shower for a few seconds. That creates a thin foam film, which runs off and cleans everything. Have FUN! Dear Webby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Klondike bar to jail
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: IE8 is NOT for XP ! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  March 22, 2009


Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her
folks because all she ever wrote home about was boys and
good times. Her mother decided to have a serious talk with
Lucy when she came home for a weekend. The mother
started out by saying, "Now, dear, if you are only going to
college to find a husband, it certainly will be expensive
shopping."
"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket."


Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
Thanks to Sandie for these pictures:
As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No -- just once!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police in Berlin, Germany Twins released as court cannot tell them apart Twin brothers arrested on suspicion of stealing £5.6m of jewellery and watches in Berlin have been released because police can't prove which one did it. The 27-year-olds had been accused of the daring heist at Europe's largest department store - KaDeWe, reports the Daily Telegraph. The robbers are thought to have abseiled into the shop through a skylight after scaling the side of the building. A court statement read: "From the evidence we have, we can deduce that at least one of the brothers took part in the crime but it has not been possible to determine which one." The brothers, from Lower Saxony, were arrested two weeks after the incident, but because their genetic information is so similar, traces of DNA found at the scene of the crime did not provide conclusive evidence.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ruanju Re: Don't use IE8 for XP ! Dear Webby IE8 is not good at all! downloaded it to a Windows XP machine and it crashed! Seems to work okay on the Vista machine! Need to warn people of this as you can't just remove 8 and go back to 7 as that doesn't work either. May have to reformat machine to get back to working order! Ruanju! Dear Ruanju Thanks for the warning! Have FUN! DearWebby From Sharon: Dear Webby; What an unusal flower pic today. It's beautiful. Thanks for sharing it. You mentioned IE8 in today's tech dept. I just saw it come up a couple of days ago & wondered if it would be good. Thanks for letting all of us know about it In regards to browsers, eg Firefox, Opera etc. Can you have more than 1 browser? If so is there a benefit to having more than on & how can you switch from one to another? I've wondered about his before. Again thanks so much for your humor & helpful tips. Sharon Dear Sharon You have one DEFAULT browser, and as many optional browsers as you like. Because different browsers all have their own little peculiarities, Webmasters usually have five of them to check their work. For example, a page might look great in FireFox, but awful in IE. When you install new browsers, they are as eager as a new girlfriend to become my favorite and default browser, but there is an option to decline. They do put an icon onto your desktop, and you can drag that into the Task Bar down by the start button. Here are some reasons why you might want to have more than just one browser: IE6: Great for music and Internet radio FireFox: Most reliable on complicated pages, good for anything except midi music Opera: Handles multilingual fonts very well Google Chrome: Usually the first to work properly with new gimmicks Safari: Very clear fonts, ideal for reading e-books and any long text. Not so good on anything else. IE7 is a bit flakey, trying too hard to imitate FireFox IE8 is no good at all except on Vista. Have FUN! DearWebby You have one DEFAULT browser, and as many optional browsers as you like. Because different browsers all have their own little peculiarities, Webmasters usually have five of them to check their work. For example, a page might look great in FireFox, but awful in IE. When you install new browsers, they are as eager as a new girlfriend to become my favorite and default browser, but there is an option to decline. They do put an icon onto your desktop, and you can drag that into the Task Bar down by the start button. Here are some reasons why you might want to have more than just one browser: IE6: Great for music and Internet radio FireFox: Most reliable on complicated pages, good for anything except midi music Opera: Handles multilingual fonts very well Google Chrome: Usually the first to work properly with new gimmicks Safari: Very clear fonts, ideal for reading e-books and any long text. Not so good on anything else. IE7 is a bit flakey, trying too hard to imitate FireFox IE8 is no good at all except on Vista. Have FUN! DearWebby
The local pastor noticed that Little Johnny hadn't been to Sunday school in a long time. He was not surprised that Johnny's parents had not been to church in a month of Sundays, but it was unusual for Johnny to miss Sunday school for so long. He went to Johnny's house and knocked on the door. Little Johnny answered the door, took one look at the pastor and called to his father, "Hey, Dad! That guy that collects money for God is here!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090301@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Pringles Cans Pringles cans work well for storing small toys and tennis balls. They work well for to store clean (or still being used) paint rollers and small paint brushes. They are also the perfect size for storing home baked cookies. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned around, slapped him and left in a huff. The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I didn't like her either, she was stepping all over my toes. That's why I pinched her."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Churches of Moscow
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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