Dear Webby, how do I switch to Linux? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 31, 2008

You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus. --- Mark Twain
Years ago, Nebraskans got tired of leaning into the wind, having their top soil blown away, and chickens laying their eggs two and three times. Seems the wind continually came down from Canada, and there was nothing between Canada and Nebraska to stop it. The farmers all got together and decided to build a fence across the North Border of the State of Nebraska. . . . the idea being, to stop that cold wind. It might've worked, too. The barbed wire they used was strong enough, .but the real problem was that a couple owners of farms on the upper border kept leaving their gates open.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Looks like her old gator hunting swamp buggy!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the City of Portsmouth, England Obnoxious Snivelers May 30, 2008 - Portsmouth, England - UPI A Portsmouth, England, grandmother says her local government has ordered her to have a lifeguard on duty for the 2-foot-deep wading pool she put in her yard. Lourdes Maxwell said she has been putting the small pool out in her yard at the start of summer for more than 20 years for her children, grandchildren and neighborhood kids to play in. However, she said the city council issued a health and safety edict ordering her to empty the pool. Maxwell said she contacted her member of Parliament, who convinced the city to allow Maxwell to keep the pool, provided she pays for insurance and has lifeguards watching the pool at all times. "I asked around for insurance and they just laughed at me. No one offers insurance for paddling pools," Maxwell said. "I'm always there to supervise but they're trying to tell me I need lifeguards for a kiddies' pool as well -- it's crazy." Copyright 2008 by United Press International
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yeth, they uthed to be," the patient said sadly.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: How do I switch from Windos to Linux? Dear Webby, I am going to switch the entire office to Linux. We had to get all new machines and they are all Vista. Vista is ridiculous and everything takes a lot longer to get done. How do we go about the switch to Linux? Elvira Dear Elvira Linux is about at the stage where DOS and Windows were in the 80's and early 90's. It works fine, but you better get a local guru to set it up for you, and to throw in some friendly tutoring. There are many different flavors or distributions of Linux, and just choosing, which one is best for your business, can be a daunting task. 1) list your priorities and tasks and programs that you want to use. 2) Choose a local Linux consultant, who has the patience to explain the differences between various Linux flavors to you and help you choose the one that is right for you. 3) Get the consultant to set up one machine and, together with you, customize it for your purposes. 4) Once your machine is set up perfect for your office, get the consultant to make you a bootable ISO Image to clone it to the rest of the machines. If you do it that way, your business will be switched over quickly and painlessly, and you will have effective work machines. Any other method will probably frustrate you enough that you will decide to put up with Vista and just hire extra staff. If you follow those four steps, you will enjoy Linux and never even think of going back to Vista. Have FUN! DearWebby

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

Deeli's Kudos May 30, 2008 - Madison, Wisconsin - UPI Organizers of Brat Fest in Madison, Wis., say the event broke its own world record by selling 191,712 bratwurst sausages during its four-day run. Tim Metcalfe, one of the organizers, said the 2004 record of 189,432 brats was beaten when a "huge dinner rush" near the end of the festival led to 10,000 brats being sold in a single hour, The (Madison) Wisconsin State Journal reported Tuesday. "The stage bands got up and said, 'If everybody buys one brat right now, we can break this record,'" Metcalfe said. Metcalfe estimated the bratwurst celebration raised more than $100,000 for the charities chosen by volunteer servers. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ironing Shirts Start by ironing sleeves, cuffs, belts and collars before ironing the body of the shirt. This will prevent you from having to re-iron the body of the shirt. When ironing collars, iron from the corners inward to prevent wrinkles on the ends of the collars. Visit ThriftyFun For Laundry Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A 93 year old man went to his doctor to get a physical. A week later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with an attractive young woman on his arm. At the man's next visit, the doctor said, "I saw you with a young lady the other day. You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Des Moines tornado damage
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Microsoft is playing dirty 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 30, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts. --- Addison Walker
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
Thanks to Helen for this picture: There is a Monster in the puddle!
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police and counci in Houma, Louisiana Obnoxious Nitpickers May 28, 2008 - Houma, Louisiana - AP Police in this town wouldn't cut a break for a barber who ran afoul of an obscure law barring him from working Sundays and Mondays. Clyde Scott had opened his shop May 19 just to trim up a few students getting ready for their graduation ceremony when an officer gave him a citation. A law in Houma for decades bars barbers from working Sundays, Mondays, any of several holidays and even the day after Labor Day. "I didn't know it existed," said Scott, 32, who has owned Clippas barbershop for about two years. "It's crazy." Parish Council Clerk Paul Labat said he didn't know exactly how long the law has been on the books, but that it dates to the years before the parish and city governments merged in 1981. "It's still an active law," he told The Courier of Houma. Houma police spokesman Lt. Todd Duplantis said police discovered the ordinance after receiving complaints about people loitering outside the barbershop, and an officer was instructed to issue a summons. Duplantis said it was the first time he had heard of such a ticket being written in his 23 years with the department. http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/biz ... 02597.html
Had a friend whose Grandpa lived with 'em... He was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular... "When I was a boy, my momma could send me to the store, and I'd get a ham, a quart of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a comic book... all fo' a quarter!! You can't DO that no mo'... ...them daing video cameras is ever'where ya look......"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Microsoft is playing dirty Dear Webby, Is M$ forcing companies to sell XP-SP3, just to trash XP in their evil attempts to force us towards Vista? They must surely know by now that Vista is a dud and not good enough for the workplace, and most definitely NOT what people want, so why are they acting like a hysterical spinster? All that sinister backstabbing is just going to drive people to Mac and Linux. Even Dell, ther main stooge, is converting orders for XP-SP2 to XP-SP3 behind your back. XP-SP3 is, of course, a total flop. It comes with IE7 and Vista style security and crashes a lot. It is ruining our business converting Vista machines to XP-SP2. Where do YOU get your XP-SP2s? Mark Dear Mark I think Dell is not so much acting on orders issued by their pimp, as hoarding the remaining few Millions of XP-SP2 licenses they got, to use on their own machines. They saw that they can sell XP machines for $300 more than Vista machines with the same hardware. That is simply $300+ more profit, and so they are scrounging for XP-SP2 licenses just like you are, and sell XP-SP3 to the sheep. I drove into Calgary today and bought what XP-SP2s I could find. The Home edition is pretty well gone from everywhere, except possibly a few rural stores. There is still stock of OEM-XP-SP2 PRO around. You can only buy that, if you buy some computer hardware at the same time, so just buy a hard drive cable together with each license. And stock up while you still can. It's your best investment opportunity in today's economy. Have FUN! DearWebby

Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break. When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him. "Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

Deeli's Kudos LOCAL MAN WINS 'EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD' FOR 23RD STRAIGHT MONTH Chuck Rogers, a self employed marketing consultant, has won his company's 'Employee of the Month Award' for a record 23 months in a row. Said Rogers, "I began the award program nearly two years ago when my psychologist and business coach suggested that I needed to create a company plan for maintaining employee moral and building self-esteem." Rogers, who works alone from his home office, has received 100% of the votes for the 'Employee of the Month Award' since its inception. Said Rogers, "It feels really good every time I win the award. I am always surprised and flattered when the winner is announced. But the best part is that I get to use the special parking spot set aside for the winner. It is right next to the house. You can't imagine what a benefit that has been!"

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. It was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Swimming Pool Covers Evaporating water requires tremendous amounts of energy. It only takes 1 BTU (British thermal unit) to raise 1 pound of water 1 degree, but each pound of 80 degree F water that evaporates takes a whopping 1,048 BTU of heat out of the pool. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com A plain, un--insulated, blue or orange plastic tarp will save you almost as much money as an insulated cover at 1/20th the cost. It will also keep dust and insects out, but the main thing is to shield the water from wind. Even a slight breeze increases evaporation drasticlly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Anti-Virus programs comparison test
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Sound Recorder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 29, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. --- John Powell
Thanks to Jai for this story: Chrisy and Barbie, two sisters, had promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Chrisy says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "nope, not yet Chrisy". So they row a little farther.... Again Chrisy asks Barbie, 'Do you think we're out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest." So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Chrisy is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?' "Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
Thanks to dad for this picture: Winter Hardy: These spent the winter outside, in ice and snow, with just a partial roof shielding them from some of the rain.
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 50-year-old man in Tampa, Florida Expensive cleaner Sent in by Ross May 28, 2008 - Tampa, Florida - AP A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man's home. The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home. Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean. When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom. Police are investigating. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/456517.html
Two women travelers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some flight insurance at the terminal. They couldn't decide who to name as beneficiaries, however. They ended up each naming the other and happily boarded the same plane.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fast Eddie Re: Recorder Hi Mr Webby! Well there is another free internet radio station with commercial free stations..... It is called " Pandora!" On the other hand Mr. Webby..... a long time ago you had some type of program that you had posted serveral years ago to record any internet radio station... Can you please help me with this? Fast Eddie Dear Eddie I use Audacity for all my recording needs. Have FUN! DearWebby

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale." said the proprietor. "Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars." "It's a deal." said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer." said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing." said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 stray cats."

Deeli's Kudos May 28, 2008 - Wausau, Wisconsin - AP Her latest book won't end up on any best-seller lists, but this 95-year-old woman is proud just to say she's been published. Marion Jacobson is a former teacher and guidance counselor in the Wausau School District, and her love of reaching out to kids has never waned. That's part of the reason she wrote, ''Paddy, the Lonesome Turtle,'' a 23-page story about a turtle with no friends. ''He asks people along the road to be his friend, but they all have an excuse why they can't,'' Jacobson said. ''Paddy keeps trying and finally finds a whole family of friends. It's a cute story for kids.'' The story, recently published by Vantage Press in New York, is her second book. Last year she wrote, ''Why the Giraffe Has a Long Neck,'' Jacobson doesn't have any kids, but she plans to share her new book with her many nieces and grandnieces. ''This story brings out the fact that we're all different,'' Jacobson said, After writing two books in her mid-90s, is a third one in the works? ''At my age?'' Jacobson said, with a look of shock and a giggle. ''I think I've done well enough.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/5282008/w ... n-book.htm

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" "And who's gonna tell?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cheap Exercise Equipment After a weekend or two of going to garage sales in your area you probably could outfit your own gym for as much as it cost to buy one treadmill at a sporting goods store. Also, people are always giving away exercise equipment on my local freecycle list. Visit ThriftyFun For Frugal Living Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _1307.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Psychiatrist: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse? Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc. Psychiatrist: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order. Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Moving Rocks of Death Valley:
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internet Radio 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 28, 2008

From those to whom much is given, much is required. --- John Fitzgerald Kennedy If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having. --- Henry Miller:
Thanks to Sandie for this story: On a lonely, moonlit country road, a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot, he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was." "I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly. "It wasn't opportunity."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Giant Peace Lily
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Andrew Kellett, 23, in Leeds, England Dumbest Crook May 26, 2008 - Leeds, England - UPI A British man has been deemed the city's "dumbest criminal" by authorities after he posted videos of himself engaging in anti-social actives on YouTube. Leeds City Council called Andrew Kellett, 23, the city's "dumbest criminal" after he put at least 80 videos on the Internet video-sharing site of people, including himself, participating in unlawful activities. It is reported the incriminating videos include footage of people taking drugs, racing cars and taking off from a gas station with stolen fuel. "Kellett must be in the running to be Leeds' dumbest criminal. He has handed us the evidence against him on a plate," said Les Carter, a member of Leeds City Council. Kellett Tuesday was given an interim anti-social behavior order at Leeds Magistrates Court, forbidding him from posting further illegal behaviors on YouTube until his hearing next month, because they can't keep up with his activities. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore." "Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cathy Re: Internet Radio Dear Webby, Do you know of an Internet Radio that isn't just mostly commercials and that doesn't require RealPlayer and all the problems that brings with it? We just want it for light background music at the clinic, so almost any genre of music will be fine, except spastic head-banger rock. Thanks Cathy Dear Cathy Try http://accuradio.com They have a good selection of "stations", and they come in at a very modest 32 Kbit/sec that won't slow down anything, if you are on High Speed. They have very few commercials, sometimes none for a whole week, and they don't mind if you keep them on all year long. Accuradio is free, but they do accept donations. Repetition rate seems to be about once per two months, not twice per day like most local radio stations. They show title, artist, album, composer and label. Covering up their window, which has a banner, does not stop the music or interfere with it. It has a mute and volume control that does not affect your Windows volume control. You can turn the Accuradio volume down while making pager announcements or while you use Skype for long distance voice calls. It is quite civilized! Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Rubye for this story: A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus, because I need the truck to go fishing."

Deeli's Kudos May 27, 2008 - Kansas City, Missouri - UPI Frank Woodruff Buckles of West Virginia, at 107 years old, is the only known remaining United States veteran of World War I. Buckles, a Missouri native, is considered the "last surviving link" to the war, which ended nearly 90 years ago. On Saturday, Buckles was awarded the Veterans of Foreign Wars' Gold Medal of Merit In Kansas City, Mo. His photograph will hang in the National World War I Museum. "I am quite pleased with the reception I have received as a representative of World War I," Buckles said at the gathering. "And especially being here in Kansas City because I am among my fellow Missourians." Buckles was underage when he enlisted in the Army in 1917. He trained at Fort Riley, Kan., and was sent to France, where he drove an ambulance. He said he remembers well "the joy of the armistice" that came Nov. 11, 1918. After the war, Buckles was part of a unit that escorted German prisoners of war home. He was discharged from the Army in 1919. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper thin and they had no privacy. That was painfully obvious one morning when the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Resist the Temptation to Print Instead of printing every recipe you think you might use online, use your browsers book mark feature instead. Or, save the recipes to disk. Get into the habit of organizing recipes on your computer instead of printing them out and you will cut down on clutter dramatically. Visit ThriftyFun For More Computer Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_1640.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Our argument was well under way as my wife and I left the party. Once we were in the car, words were flying. My wife had really worked up a storm and after a few choice words from me, she shouted, "Stop the car and let me out!" I pulled over to the curb. She unlocked the door and got out, but then looked around and got back in, saying, "Take me to a better neighborhood!"

Thanks to Arturas for today's Bonus Link: Antipodes
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Deaar Webby: Free Avira Anti Virus program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 27, 2008

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. --- Peter F. Drucker
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Thanks to Martin for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Wigton, 57 and Richard Michael Polk, 50, of Phoenix, AZ It is going to be a very hot summer for these two guys is Sherriff Joe Arpao jail. May 22, 2008 - Phoenix, Maricopa County, Arizona - UPI A veteran Phoenix police officer and an employee of Arizona Child Protective Services have been charged with sex crimes involving children. David Wigton, 57, a former supervisor with the state agency, was indicted Tuesday on charges that include having sex with a 4-year-old girl. He was also charged with looking at pornography in the presence of minors. Richard Michael Polk, 50, who recently retired after 26 years with the Phoenix Police Department, was charged with 10 counts of sexual exploitation of a minor. The charge is the one used for possession of child pornography, the Republic said. The indictments were brought by the Maricopa County, Ariz., Attorney's Office. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Avira Anti-Virus Dear Webby, I thank You and the Tech. Support for the great Humor Letter. If anyone has searched for Humor and etc on the internet they know that the Humor Letter out ranks all. I also used AVG Free for a few years but have used Free Avira Anti-virus for the past two years. I also recommend Avira. If anyone is interested, click on the link. The link maybe in German but can be translated in English at the right top of page. http://www.free-av.de/en/index.html Take Care Robert Hi Robert As long as you have a separate FireWall, Avira looks like it will do the job nicely. Thanks, Robert! Have FUN! DearWebby

After years of his wife's pleading, the rich, good old boy finally went with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself. It was such a damn good sermon, sir!" "PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5,000.00 in that there collection box." "HOT DAMN, that's mighty generous !"

Deeli's Kudos May 23, 2008 - Omaha, Nebraska - UPI A knife to the throat was a good thing for an Omaha man who performed a tracheotomy on himself, a move his doctor says wasn't such a bad idea. Steve Wilder, 55, performed the do-it-yourself operation after he awoke unable to breathe. Wilder, concerned about whether the rescue squad would reach him in time, raced to his kitchen, found a steak knife, then made a slit through his throat so air could pass through his windpipe unobstructed. It's not like the 55-year-old truck driver hadn't done the procedure before. He did the same thing in 2006 when he couldn't breathe. "I did what I did the first time. I took a knife and opened it up," Wilder said. "I did it to save my life." The problem began after Wilder underwent radiation treatment for throat cancer four years ago. His doctor, Paul Sherrerd, has placed a permanent tube in Wilder's throat now to help him breathe when needed. "As crazy as it sounds," Sherrerd said of Wilder's emergency operation, "it probably wasn't the craziest thing to do." Copyright 2008 by United Press International

The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoid Bouncing Checks Bouncing checks almost always ends up being a lot more costly than sending in a late payment. Checks clear almost immediately these days, so track your spending closely. Always keep a buffer in your account and sign up for overdraft protection with your bank. Visit ThriftyFun For More Banking Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_447.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The old gentlemen was aging more rapidly than he wanted. "Your gout is getting worse." said the doctor. "I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex for a while." "WHAT!" said the man. "Just so's I can walk a little better? If it wasn't for those things I wouldn't get out of my rocker in the first place !"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Bruno's Art &Sculpture Garden (Australia)
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: SP3 UN-install 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 26, 2008
Memorial Day

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein. --- Joe Theismann If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. --- Ted Turner If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --- Johnny Carson
Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh darn!!!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick!!! Take all your clothes off."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ladislau Darocz and Florin Calin, from Iasi county in eastern Romania Midnight Stocking May 18, 2008 - Iasi County, Romania - Ananova Two Romanian greengrocers who broke into a rival's warehouse to steal his entire stock of grapes were caught after they hired three taxis to ferry away their haul. Police saw the three taxis travelling in convoy and when they stopped them found sacks of grapes filling the boot and interior of the three vehicles. Ladislau Darocz and Florin Calin, from Iasi county in eastern Romania, complained their rival, who had a larger store, was putting them out of business. They stole 580 kilos of grapes and now face jail for robbery. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2856696.html?menu=
When her late husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the bulk of his fortune to another woman. Enraged, she rushed to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone. "Sorry, lady," said the stonecutter. "Per your request, I inscribed 'Rest in Peace' already on it. I can't change it now." "Very well," she said grimly. "Just add, `Until We Meet Again...'"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Toni from http://www.MakeYourAgeYourBestKeptSecret.com Re: Uninstall SP3 Dear Webby, There is an un-install for SP3 at http://support.microsoft.com/kb/950249 Toni Thanks, Toni I am sure a lot of people will appreciate that link! Have FUN! DearWebby

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification." He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary." "How come?" asked the woman. "Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

Deeli's Kudos May 22, 2008 - San Jose, California - Gimundo Last year, after 29-year-old Indian-born entrepreneur Taj Chahal and his brother sold their advertising technology company, BlueLithium, to Yahoo for a $300 million windfall, Chahal vowed to make his 30th birthday party an occasion to remember. The generous multi-millionaire decided to share the wealth with 300 San Jose-area homeless people at a food kitchen called Martha's Kitchen. Chahal did more than simply serve up soup, though: On his birthday regular diners were stunned to discover the dining room decorated with tablecloths, balloons, and a dazzling array of catered gourmet dishes, featuring ravioli and meatballs, garlic bread, and a huge tray of birthday cake. Chahal paid the entire $8,000 bill and volunteered his services at the party as a juice-pourer. For most people, birthdays are about receiving, not giving. But Chahal decided it was time for a change this year: "If you are blessed to have the things that you have, then you should share them with others," http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/1 ... od_Kitchen

Thanks to Millie for this story: An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandniece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi says here that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a *message* parlour." "I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbours and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?" "Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blahws* it to them!" "Must be them newfangled phones the city folk carry." Pa figured..

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Moving Furniture and Wall Art Wrap furniture in plastic to keep them clean and together. You can also stand them on their end to save space. When you take down paintings and prints, tape hooks and nails used to hang them to the back of the frame. Use a large piece of cardboard to protect the front of prints and paintings. Visit ThriftyFun For More Moving Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Mo ... 9_693.html It is a good idea to patch nail holes immediately, so that you don't forget one and blow your damage deposit. You can get tubes or little tubs of wall patch at most hardware stores, even pre-colored in common wall colors. In a pinch, you can fake it with a paste made from flour and water. To remove nails without damaging the wall, grab them with small vise-grips or pliers, and turn them 3 full rotations, then ease them out while continuing to turn in the same direction. Don't reverse direction! The smaller the hole, the easier it is to make it invisible. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Memorial Day Tribute
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: More about free AVG 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 25, 2008

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. --- Marcel Proust:
Thanks to Annett for this story: A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, your husband will regain his health completely. If not, he will die in six months." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die in six months," she replied
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Chenile
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Howard, 27, and Mark Dell, 30, of Jacksonville, Florida Carrying inciminating evidence May 22, 2008 - Jacksonville, Florida - UPI Jacksonville, Fla., police said two men busted for pot possession incurred additional charges after they showed officers photos of graffiti they created. A police report of the incident said Joshua Howard, 27, and Mark Dell, 30, had spray paint cans, a digital camera and some marijuana in their car when officers approached them outside of a vacant building May 10. The officers said the men told them they had intended to "tag" the vacant building with graffiti after smoking some marijuana, but the police showed up before they could accomplish either objective. The men were each given notices to appear in court on loitering and marijuana possession charges. However, before sending the suspects on their way, Officer T.M. Helms said in the report, he asked to look at the pictures on the digital camera. He said the men admitted to creating numerous graffiti displays photographed with the camera, including one that cost a business owner $3,500 to clean up. Howard and Dell were hit with additional charges of criminal mischief for the graffiti. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Ross for this story: The sense of freshness... A new supermarket opened in Montgomery, AL. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle. The air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ed Re: AVG Anti Virus Dear Webby, To get AVG Free the easy way: Go to www.download.com and search for "AVG Free." AVG has always hidden the free version on their own page. Ed Thanks, Ed! Also helpful might be this link from Donovan An alternative antivirus would be Avast Free at http://www.avast.com/eng/download-avast-home.html. Hope it's useful. Donovan Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Connie for this story: A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Deeli's Kudos May 22, 2008 - Canada - Gimundo No one likes the flu. But one 17 year old girl from Canada, Maria Merziotis, despised the dreaded virus so much that she came up with a way to get rid of it once and for all. The precocious teen created a brand-new molecule that can stick to flu viruses, so that the viruses don't attach themselves to the human cells and cause infection. The artificial receptor she created could also be used "to detect what strain of influenza is responsible for a specific infection" or even to "interfere with the infection process by administering the floating sialyllactose through injection, nasal spray or to the lungs with a pump." Not surprisingly, Merziosis' invention took first prize in Canada's 2008 Sanofi-Aventis BioTalent Challenge, and she's now taking her anti-flu invention to San Diego for the international version of the competition. Her research is already being tested by Health Canada with "encouraging results." http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/1 ... re_for_Flu

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner anyway."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Children's Outfits If you have young children who are just learning how to dress themselves, try organizing clothing by outfit. For example, hang a pair of slacks and a matching shirt in the closet together. That way your child can just choose an outfit and get dressed. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just bought our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What the world eats
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Free AVG Virus Scanner 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 24, 2008

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. --– Taylor Benson It is not what we get. But who we become, what we contribute ... that gives meaning to our lives. --- Anthony Robbins
After the service a woman went to the preacher, "Pastor, I hope you don't take it personal that my husband walked out during your sermon." "Oh, I'm so glad you told me that, because it upset me terribly," said the preacher. "What caused him to leave, if I may ask?" "Oh he's walked in his sleep since he was a child."
Thanks to Myrea from http://fairypostcards.com/ for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Assemblywoman Francis Allen of Las Vegas Poor table manners May 21, 2008 - Las Vegas, Nevada - UPI Battery charges have been filed against a Nevada state assemblywoman who said she stabbed her husband, because he embarrassed her in front of friends. Assemblywoman Francis Allen, R-Las Vegas, is accused of using a steak knife to stab Paul Maineri in the forearm. Maineri told police his wife of seven weeks refused to get help for him so he drove himself to the hospital. The Las Vegas Review-Journal said Allen was charged with battery and domestic violence with use of a deadly weapon. She could be sentenced and convicted to 10 years in prison and fined $10,000. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-351094-923786
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun. When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said most gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: many subscribers Re: Anti Virus Ann, in the tech answer of the day, probably doesn't realize AVG still has a free version of 8.0. They just have it hidden very well in their website. I don't know if AVG realizes that they left a back-door open and will slam it when they find out, or if somebody did that on purpose. However, if I was an AVG user, I would hurry and get the free one while it is still in there. Have FUN! DearWebby

"Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Deeli's Kudos May 31, 2008 - Tokyo, Japan - AP When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help. Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said. He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet. ''I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura,'' the bird told the veterinarian , according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs. ''We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke,'' Uemura said. The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years. But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials. ''I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely i gnored me,'' Uemura said. http://www.happynews.com/news/5212008/l ... ddress.htm

A guy is real drunk and gets home real late. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home. He takes off his shoes as he walks up the stairs, careful not to make a noise. He quietly opens the door and tiptoes into the room, when BAM, he gets hit by a frying pan. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head and says: "Boy are you ignert! Now here's how I do it. When I get rip roaring drunk I go borry my buds low rider Harley and go screamin up and down my block a couple of times a hootin and a hollerin. I take the Harley raht up on the porch and then start screamin and a cussin. I slam open the door and scream, 'Hohney, Ah'm home! Let's get it on!' And you know what's amazin'? My wife is always sound asleep!!!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mending Holes in Screens If you have a hole in a screen door or window screen, you can mend it just like you mend a piece of clothing. Just stitch the hole shut using fine nylon thread or wire that matches the color of the screen. If it is too big to repair, you can replace the entire screen. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Repair Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_Home_1876_1884.html Don't try to take apart a screen section of a door or window. You will damage it beyond repair. Look for a thin groove, with a rubber sring pressed in. Gently lever that rubber string out with a narrow screwdriver. As you get it out, you will see that that is all that holds the screen. Once you have the old screen removed, fold one side of the new screen around the rubber string and force it back into the groove. Then do the opposite side. Don't go around the clock. If you have never done it before, get extra screening material. It is cheap, and you are bound to mess up a few times until you get the hang of it. But then you are the hero of the neighborhood! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye guide dog bit me."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: America, by Old Blue
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, which Anti-virus? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 23, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red to show your 
support for the troops!

It's easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top. -–- Arnold Bennet
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 'Goat,' the little boy replied. 'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?' 'Yep,' said the youngster. 'I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to .
Thanks to Walt for this delightful classic: Teacher Arrested at Airport NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. "They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Anti Virus Dear Webby I have been running AVG free addition and you likely know they now want us to pay $55.00 Us for it...If I am going to pay, and I'm willing to pay, can you tell me the best protection to pay for? Is the new AGV worth the price ? Thanks, as always for your excellant advice...I can't "click on" with out you...lol. Hugs Ann Dear Ann I use McAfee on all Webby machines, and am quite happy with it. McAfee VirusScan® Plus is $39.99. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ruth for this story: POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear? 'I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calm as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."! "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I' d been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. "Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...

Deeli's Kudos The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and eventually even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could...I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."

A rabbi is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who's lying on the sidewalk. The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady. The rabbi rolls down the window, and starts yelling, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Gas Tip: Staying Cool Turn your air conditioning on until the car gets cool, then turn it off and let the fan circulate the cool air. Never run your air conditioner with your windows open! At high speeds, an open window can use more gas than many air conditioners (especially if they are on a low setting). Visit ThriftyFun For More Car Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Cars_126_132.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" the guy asked. "I'm not selling anything," the young man said. "I'm the Census Taker." "The what?" the man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "Well," the man said, "you're wasting your time with me, I lost track of that number ages ago!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: US National Park Service ( Chesapeake & Ohio Canal )
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, I need a laptop for accounting 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 22, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red to show your 
support for the troops!

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. --- Elbert Hubbard Gore is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts. --- Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Two young men leave a bar after a long night of drinking, stumble through the worst rain storm they have ever seen and get in their car and start it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appears in the passenger window and taps lightly. The passenger screams, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver speeds up, but the old man's face stays in the window. The passenger rolls his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, says, "What do you want?" The old man softly replies, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger hands the old man a cigarette, rolls up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it," to the driver. A few minutes later they calm down and start laughing. The driver says, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there is a light tapping on the window and the old man reappears. "There he is again," the passenger yells. He rolls down the window and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out the window and screams, "Step on it!" The driver pushes the accelerator to the floor. Then, the old man taps on the window again. "Oh, my God, he's back!" the passenger screams. He rolls down the window and yells at the old fellow, "What do you want?" "Do you guys want some help getting out of the mud?" the man asks.
Thanks to Myrea for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leicestershire County Council Too dumb to ask for proof May 18, 2008 - Leicestershire County, UK - Ananova A council spent £1million protecting rare newts on a building site - only to discover there were none there. Leicestershire County Council delayed a major road-building scheme for three months after evidence of great crested newts was found on the site. The species is protected by law, but after the authority paid hundreds of thousands of pounds for special newt-fencing and traps, not one of the rare creatures was discovered. The action was taken on the strength of a report from environmental experts, which found there could have been between one and 10 of the 6 inch amphibians on the site. Officials have lodged a complaint with the government, claiming the outlay would have a knock-on effect on local services, reports the Daily Telegraph. Council leader David Parsons fumed: "I'm not happy that we have gone a million pounds over on the bypass and then found no great crested newts. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2856572.html?menu= ------------------------------------ They are not the only boneheads that have been conned by the "Back To The Caves" fanatics. A much needed highway from Austria to Switzerland has been held up for over 15 years because of claims that some fictitious bird had once been seen there. There are no pictures of the bird, and no credible person has ever seen it, but heavy traffic is still forced to go through narrow village roads.
Consider the man who couldn't make up his mind what to order, no matter how long and hard he studied the menu. Finally, he turned to the waiter for help. "Well," said the waiter, "today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almondine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Zamymia Re: Looking for XP Dear Webby Hi! I read your letter every day, and like what you recommend, so please can you help me make a decision?, I need to buy a small laptop computer so that I can do some of my work (accounting) on the weekends at my house. There is so many options out there Dell, Gateway, HP etc... what program do you recommend XP Home Edition, Vista?. I'm totally confused. Can you help? Zamymia Dear Zamymia Above anything, stay away from HP and Compaq, and stay away from Vista. With accounting, that would depend on what type of accounting you do. If you do Enterprise or Auditing type of accounting with spreadsheets, you will be happiest with a regular old XP desktop with a dual video card and two large old-fashioned monitors. A refurb 5 year old machine will be just fine, or even older but with a new hard drive. If you do book keeping type keypunching with input programs like Quickbooks, then a lightweight notebook will be fine, since you never have to look at big spreadsheets and everything is nicely summarized for you. Here is a link to a Inspiron™ Laptop 1520 with XP for $649 http://snipurl.com/29uqk Like most laptops nowadays, it has the wide screen favored by the fake Rolex yuppies, who need to be seen carrying something other than a cell phone, even if they don't know how to use it. Other than that it is fine. It has hundreds of times more power and speed than needed for accounting. After all, you COULD be doing even bigger spreadsheets just as fast with a 386 and QuattroPRO for DOS. Have FUN! DearWebby

A woman drove a minivan filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady," shouted a man in another car, "don't you know when to stop?" She rolled down her window and screamed at him, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

Deeli's Kudos May 21, 2008 - Indianapolis, Indiana - AP A 96-year-old great-great-grandmother says it was ''fun'' going around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway at 180 mph. ''Oh, that was fun!'' Edith Pittenger of Muncie said recently after taking a trip around the famous track in a two-seater Dallara with driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. The ride from the Indy Racing Experience was a Christmas gift from Pittenger's children. Pittenger, who is retired from Ball State University as assistant director of personnel services, began attending the Indianapolis 500 in 1965. ''I like the excitement, the speed, the noise,'' she said. ''I'm one of the few that like the noise.'' She said, 'I don't want them slowing down because I'm 96." After a second lap, Pittenger said, ''I can do better!'' and Luyendyk, a veteran of the 2006 Indy 500 and son of the two-time winner, took her rocketing around the track at 180 mph. ''I didn't know how fast we were going, but we were going,'' said Pittenger. http://www.happynews.com/news/5212008/g ... s-indy.htm

A couple invites a group of friends to dinner. As they sit down at the table, the wife turns to their 6-year-old daughter and says, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replies. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answers. The daughter bows her head and says, "Lord, why on earth did I invite these ungrateful bums to dinner?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Life for Your Carpet - Area Rugs Depending on how your house is laid out, you may have some areas that will have high traffic regardless of how your furniture is arranged. Consider a area rugs in these locations. Another good policy is to have family members take off shoes when entering the house. Visit ThriftyFun For More Carpet Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_580.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. Business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I finished my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Thanks to Ed for today's Bonus Link: Human Space Flight
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, I need an SP3 Blocker! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 21, 2008

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man who struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please," the injured man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a wrinkled and wizened Jewish man of advanced years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic rites. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the man lies. The old man kneels down on the sidewalk, leans over the injured victim and intones in a solemn voice: "Under the Bee, 4 Under the Eye, 19 Under the End, 38 Under the Jeep, 54 Under the Oh, 72 Ohhh Chit."
Thanks to Sue for this picture of her American Gold Finch
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Too drunk for the woods Sent in by Ross May 20, 2008 - Harrisburg, Pennsylvania - AP An airline pilot was found hiding behind a shed wearing only flip-flops and a wristwatch as a nighttime romp in the woods with a flight attendant ended with both under arrest, police said. Jeffrey Paul Bradford, 24, and Adrianna Grace Connor, 24, both employees of Pinnacle Airlines Inc., were at a diner on the outskirts of Harrisburg on Sunday night before they apparently decided to walk into the woods, police said. "They told the officer they wanted to go do it in the woods, essentially," said Lower Swatara Township police Sgt. Richard Brandt. "That's the best answer they had." The two somehow became separated, and people who live in the neighborhood summoned police around 9:30 p.m., saying they had seen a naked man and an intoxicated woman. A helicopter with heat-seeking equipment was called in, and Bradford was discovered hiding behind a shed shortly before midnight. Bradford, of Pittsburgh, was charged with indecent exposure, public drunkenness and other offenses. Connor, of Belleville, Mich., was charged with theft from a motor vehicle, public drunkenness and other offenses; police said she took a flashlight from a neighbor's vehicle. A spokesman for the Memphis, Tenn., airline said the two were suspended while the company investigates. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/449867.html
Back in the days when Roman galleys plied the Mediterranean, a crew of oarsmen was sweating and straining to propel the ship through high seas when the first mate appeared. "I've got good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is we've spotted an island, so the plan is to stop, drink rum, hunt a couple of wild boars, have a feast and relax with the native girls." The sailors all cheer in happiness, all but one, who asks, "And what is the bad news?" "Well," the first mate replies, "tomorrow, the captain wants to go water skiing."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gracie Re: SP3 fear Dear Webby No I have not updated my Windows XP with the SP3 but I do have a question. I've read your answers back to the people that have emailed you about this update. Of course, I have the gold shield for the updates and I know it's for the SP3 on my main computer Puter Baby that I use all the time. Question please: I went to update my laptop and hadn't done so in a long, long time. Yes, I do know better, just don't use it like I do Puter Baby. I mostly take my laptop along with me when we go to see NASCAR races in our motor home. I went to the Windows Update web site and clicked to update and thought that it would list the updates separately like it does for my main computer, it did not do so. Now what do I do ??? I do not want to download SP3. If one does download SP3, can it be uninstalled ??? I've changed my Autmatic Updates to: Notify me but don't automatically download or install them. Believe when I say I will not delay anymore updating my laptop this has taught me a lesson. I just need to get around the update for the SP3. Any info would be appreciated. Have a great day. Thank you, Gracie Dear Gracie As long as your laptop not a low-end machine like HP or Compaq, you should be OK, especially if you have the IE7 Blocker installed. You can also install an SP3 Blocker. I got it in my toolbox: http://webby.com/tools.html#guard As long as you always select Custom, never Express, when you do an update, you should be OK. Have FUN! DearWebby

John was bragging to a friend about his new hearing aid. "Yeah, it's a beaut," he says. "Top of the line. Deluxe model. Cost me $4,000 bucks." "What kind is it?" his friend asks politely. "Twelve-thirty."

Deeli's Kudos May 18, 2008 - Bacau County, Romania - Ananova A Romanian fed up with neighbours' gossip has been to a gynaecologist to prove she is still a virgin at the age of 60. Rodica Trandafir, 60, from Bacau county in eastern Romania, posted the results of her virginity test to neighbours to stop rumours in her hometown. She told local media: "I'd had enough of locals gossiping - they said men kept coming to my house at all times of the day and night." She has now visited a gynaecologist who confirmed she was a virgin and gave her a certificate to prove it - which she then posted it to all her neighbours. She added: "There has been some nasty gossip about me. The men my neighbours are talking about are relatives who are helping me do some work on my house. "To make such accusations about a woman of my age is disgusting. I hope now they will all shut up. To claim I am a loose woman of any kind is outrageous." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2856694.html?menu=

A flight attendant is giving the standard safety briefing. "In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device," she tells the passengers. "Hey," shouts a man in the back. "If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Newspaper Dispenser Open a few days papers out on your kitchen table and use scissors to cut them into fourths. "Roll" the pack of now-same-size pieces in half and insert into a large cereal box. You can pull out a sheet or two from the middle and they almost dispense as well as tissues. Visit ThriftyFun For More Organizing Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_669.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman calls her husband to report trouble with the car. "What's the problem?" her husband asks. Says the wife, "It has water in the carburetor." "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor," his wife says. "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out when I get off work. Where is the car?" Says the wife: "In the neihbor's pool."

Thanks to Ed for today's Bonus Link: Skot Photo Gallery
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how do I find the IP number of a card sender? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 20, 2008

You can’t talk your way out of what you’ve behaved yourself into. --- Stephen Covey Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... --- Carl Zwanzig
Little Willie asked his mother: "Mamma, don't soldiers ever go to heaven?" Of course they do!" protested his mother. "What makes you ask?" There are so many soldiers with beards but I never saw any pictures of angels with beards." Oh, that's because most MEN who go to Heaven get there by a close shave."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: Queen of the night This one bloomed tonight.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the City of Brighton, Michigan Silly Nitpickers May 19, 2008 - Brighton, Michigan - UPI A Michigan doctor says he found it funny the city of Brighton sent him a "final notice and demand of payment" for 51 cents in property taxes. Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes. Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter. "This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency could do," Kazanji told the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus. "No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect delinquent taxes, we have to collect it." Copyright 2008 by United Press International ____________________________ Will somebody please 'splain to the dolts how you forward amounts under $10 to the next billing period?
A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat. Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything. So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?" The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Stacy Re: IP numbers of postcard senders Dear Webby, To Whom It May Concern: Please advise who I need to send a preservation letter to in order to secure the sender IP address of the following Internet Greeting cards that were sent from .......... Detective Stacy H........ Domestic Violence Unit City of........ Dear Stacy Just reveal the header of the pick-up notice. You will see a line starting with X-STAMP. That line gives you all the gory details that you need. The date and time is in EST. It even tells you what kind of browser and what version the perp used. We invented and instituted that X-Stamp in 1995 to help people like you to find and stop abusers. Have FUN! DearWebby

When I was 28, I was teaching English in a high school where occasionally the faculty and staff were allowed to dress down. One of those days I donned a sweatshirt and slacks. A student came in, and his eyes widened. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "You should wear clothes like that every day. You look twenty, maybe even thirty years younger.

Deeli's Kudos May 14, 2008 - Herndon, Virginia - AP K12 Inc., (www.k12.com) the nation's leading provider of K-12 online school programs, is mobilizing thousands of kids across the country to join in the fight against childhood cancer. On Saturday, May 31 and Sunday June 1, 2008 thousands of K12 parents, kids and teachers will host lemonade stands in their neighborhoods to raise money for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation, a leading national charity that has raised over $19 million for pediatric cancer research. The inspiration for Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation (www.alexslemonade.org) began in July 2000 when a four-year-old c ancer patient named Alexandra "Alex" Scott announced she was holding a lemonade stand to raise money to help her doctors find a cure for kids suffering with cancer. For the next four years Alex held lemonade stands to raise money for childhood cancer research. On August 1, 2004, Alex died peacefully at the age of eight, but not before raising more than one million dollars. Her legacy continues today through Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation. The Foundation will host its own national weekend entitled Lemonade Days, June 6-8, when an estimated 10,000 volunteers will host over 2,000 Alex's Lemonade Stands around the nation. http://www.happynews.com/news/5142008/o ... dation.htm

"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24, how many tons will he bring you?" "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny. "Why, Johnny, that isn't right," said the teacher. "No, ma'am, I know it isn't," said Johnny, "but they all do it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sap on Your Car The harder the sap gets, the tougher it is to remove and the more likely it is to scratch your car's finish. Make a paste with a mild abrasive like baking soda and apply to the sap, then rub it with a rag until the sap is removed. Other products you can try are mayonnaise or WD-40. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cleaning Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_296.html Peanut butter works fine too DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Van der Weide Photo Gallery
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how do I burn ISO images? 



   Zoom the font size for best readability!
Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 19, 2008

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. --- Mae West One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar. --- Oscar Wilde Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remember that the mighty oak was once a nut like you! --- Socratex
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
YOUR ad could be here!

One night at the dinner table, Jill commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don't love me any more..." "Nonsense, darling," replied John, "you just cook better now, and we can afford better steak knifes."
Thanks to Cookie for this picture: Sidecar Moon That is NOT her on that sidecar!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Angelique Vandeberg, 28, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin Messing with the wrong crowd! May 13, 2008 - Sheboygan, Wisconsin - UPI Police in Sheboygan, Wis., say an 8-year-old girl was shot in the leg by her BB gun-wielding mother as part of a $1 bet the parent made with her boyfriend. Angelique Vandeberg, 28, was charged with a felony count of intentional child abuse after her daughter told her school councilor Vandeberg shot her in the leg with a BB gun after her boyfriend bet her $1 she wouldn't do it, the Sheboygan Press reported Monday. The girl said both adults had been drinking heavily before the incident. The school councilor said a circular bruise that appeared to be consistent with a BB gun-inflicted injury remained visible on the child's leg days after the alleged incident. Vandeberg could face up to three years in prison if convicted. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ariel Re: Burning iso images Dear Webby, I got some iso images of program disks, and I am supposed to burn them onto CDs, but dragging them to the CD does not seem to work. What am I doing wrong? Ariel Dear Ariel An iso image is not binary data, but a picture a CD with the data already burned onto it. It is like a picture of a newspaper page, not the words in a document. You can't edit an iso image. By default, CD and DVD burning programs write a file allocation index and then take binary data and write it like a document. An ISO image already has the header and index and the data and it just duplicates all the pits and puddles of the original disk. With Linux there is usually already an ISO burning program built in. With Windows you can download a free program to do that. You can get it from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. Just scroll down to where it says ISO BURNER. It is a tiny program that adds a right-click option into your file explorer whenever you highlight an iso file. When you highlight any other file, it politely hides that option. The process is similar to programs that let you make copies of audio or movie CDs, but not quite the same. Instead of copying one CD Have FUN! DearWebby

A man, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

Deeli's Kudos May 13, 2008 - West Jordan, Utah - AP Tom McLelland was both proud papa and happy grad during commencement at an Ohio law school. McLelland, 58, and his son, Ryan, graduated together Sunday with law degrees from Ohio Northern University in Ada and may open a practice together at home in Utah. ''It's something we've talked about for the last five years,'' the elder McLelland, a former human resources manager for the state Department of Corrections, said before the ceremony. Ryan McLelland said he and his dad took almost every class together. ''We could help each other a lot better,'' he said. Tom, who lived in West Jordan before going back to school, is interested in labor and employment law and Ryan, a father of three, is interested in family law. ''I'm looking forward to a new challenge in life,'' Tom said. http://www.happynews.com/news/5132008/u ... gether.htm

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his speeding traffic fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sales - Creating an Atmosphere Have the radio on for background noise and offer coffee or ice water. Be friendly but not pushy. A lot of people will want to bargain, don't be offended when someone offers you a lower price and don't be afraid to lose a sale by offering a counter offer. Visit ThriftyFun For Garage Sale Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Garage%20Sales_488.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One of the posh hotels in Las Vegas employs my sister-in-law as a room-service attendant. During a medical convention at the hotel, she was preparing a breakfast order that consisted of fried eggs, bacon, ham, hash browns and a cheese danish. "Now that's a heart attack waiting to happen," commented a passing co-worker. "Yeah," my sister-in-law replied. "And believe it or not, it's just what the doctor ordered!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Computer Stupidities
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: No response 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 18, 2008

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. --- Albert Schweitzer
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How is THAT going to help?"
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Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
Thanks to Martin for this:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Clyde Bridges in Barnstable, Massachusetts Messing with the wrong crowd! May 13, 2008 - Barnstable, Massachusetts - AP Police in Massachusetts say churchgoers in a Cape Cod town tackled a would-be robber who tried to steal a collection box during a service. Investigators say Clyde Bridges showed up Sunday at the Hyannis Foursquare Portuguese Church wearing a mask and carrying a cigarette lighter shaped like a gun. Officers arrived to find the 45-year-old being held on the ground by parishioners who had tackled him and ripped off the mask. Bridges is being held on $200,000 bail on armed robbery charges. He also is accused of robbing a pizza delivery man this month. Bridges lawyer Terrance O'Connell says his client denies robbing the delivery man and does not remember what happened at the church before he was pinned down. http://www.happynews.com/news/5132008/c ... er-odd.htm
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?" "No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady." "Is this Oriskany Falls?" "YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!" "Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: John Re: No response Dear Webby, Is it possible to detect if Angelwinks is on the Recipient's blocked sender list? If it is on the blocked senders list, how do you deal with the blocked cards? Are they regarded as being "delivered" or would you send an "unable to deliver" note? I ask this because I have been sending cards and getting a very prompt reply saying that the recipient has picked up the card but have not received any reply from the Recipient. I look forward to hearing from you. John Hodges Dear John If you get the "has picked up.." notice, then somebody at the recipient's machine, HAS indeed picked up and viewed your card. There is no way we can tell if the person who opened and viewed the card was the intended recipient, a spouse, parent, child, room mate, or the butler. All the program sees is that SOMEBODY at the recipient address opened and viewed the card. You will have to contact the recipient by chat or phone to find out why you got snubbed. It is also possible that YOU have the recipient blocked, and that she is getting mighty annoyed with you. So, contact her and find out! Have FUN! DearWebby

The grizzled old Master Chief was conducting the course in boot camp. He growled at me: "If you were on night sentry duty and saw a figure crawling towards camp, what procedure would you follow?" "Well, Master Chief," I answered, "I'd help the officer to his quarters."

Deeli's Kudos May 15, 2008 - London, UK - UPI A British woman said her missing Jack Russell terrier was excited to return home after a psychic used supernatural methods to pinpoint his location. Nikki Newcombe, 35, was relieved to have her dog, Marmite, return home after he spent a week stranded in a hole. Newcombe went to Pea Horsley, a London woman who says she has psychic abilities, for help after having no luck finding the lost pooch on her own. Horsley used her abilities to tell Newcombe about landmarks the dog traveled past before falling into the hole. Sure enough, Newcombe took Horsley's advice and found Marmite barking from a hole in the ground. "It's one of the quickest I've found," Horsley said. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-346899-836586

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Sharp Blades on the Lawn Mower It's important to have sharp mowing blades. Dull blades don't cut the grass, they tear it. This causes stress to your lawn and makes it more susceptible to disease and insect problems. When grass is torn rather than cut, it can also develop a brown appearance. Visit ThriftyFun For Lawn Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gardening_Lawn_497_521.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dr. Jones completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis." "Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" After giving it a little thought, Dr. Jones responded, "Well, considering that my daughter was conceived in a Volkswagen, it IS possible." Then she added "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Somewhere in time
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Hotmail problems 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  May 17, 2008


Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. --- Robert Benchley It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. --- William G. McAdoo
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the mall and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love" "PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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John staggered home in the wee hours after a heavy night out with the boys. When he woke up the next morning, he rolled over in bed and, instead of spying his lovely wife Judi, saw Rover, the family dog. He nodded his head and thought, "I must have been really drunk last night. I THOUGHT there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out . . . "
Burros with foal, north of Monument Valley, AZ
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Frying Pan Duell May 15, 2008 - Cumberland County, UK - AP Out of the frying pan and into the fire. That's pretty much what happened to a Cumberland County couple arrested and charged with whacking each other with a frying pan. Heather and Samuel Newcome are both charged with domestic assault. They told Sheriff's Deputy Timothy Tutor last week that they got into an argument and hit each other with the cookware. "Both parties had injuries consistent with both of their stories," Tutor says in his report. Other family members got involved in the fray as well and apparently came to blows, but none decided to file charges. Tutor took Heather Newcome the Cumberland County Justice Center, where she was charged, then took out a warrant on her husband, who later turned himself in. The two are scheduled to appear Monday in General Sessions Court. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/445645.html
A friend of mine claims this happened to a friend of hers: She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. And you have one cheap wedding present! So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, "Lady, you can only do this so many times!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joanne Re: Hotmail problems Dear Webby, my husband and l have been getting the humor letter for a long time now, but since you went on vacation we seem to be having a problem getting it. We may get it one day then not for 2or3 days then again for 2days and so on. I was wondering if you had any other people complain but this problem. I have to talked to some of my friends and they seem to be having the same problem. Yet other friends are not having a problem. Dear Joanne That is just a routine ho'mail problem and has nothing to do with my desert run. Even while travelling, I still sent the newsletter from the same server as always since 1996: webby.com. It makes no difference from where I tell the server what to send and when. If you are ready to graduate from ho'mail, I'll gladly send you a referral to gmail. Have FUN! DearWebby

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie...... So I rented him a tuxedo!"

Deeli's Kudos May 16, 2008 - Coral Springs, Florida - UPI A Florida woman saved her 11-year-old granddaughter when she woke up and yelled at a man who was trying to kidnap the girl from their home, police said. The incident began early Wednesday when a man carrying a knife broke into a Coral Springs, Fla., home and took the 11-year-old out of her bed. "Put my granddaughter down!" the grandmother yelled at the man. The intruder put the girl down, patted her on the stomach and fled from the home without his knife, police said. The grandmother called police and told them neither she nor her granddaughter knew who the man was. Shortly after the incident, police arrested Timothy Christian Schlafer, 18, and charged him with armed kidnapping and armed burglary. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-348428-812343

Judi was in England with a tour group. They had to cross the road so they used the 'Pelican crossing' [pedestrain crossing]. When the lights go to 'Walk', they emit a high pitched beeping. Judi asked what the noise was. Her guide replied it was for the blind. Judi responded, 'Oh, we don't allow blind drivers in the States!'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Door Hinges If you have a squeaky door hinge, spray it with a little silicone spray or WD-40. This will lubricate it and keep it quiet. At the same time, tighten any hinge or doorknob screws and make sure the hinge pin is properly in place. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Improvement Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_607.html Personally, I prefer to use a Moly lube or mold release spray for locks and hinges. It puts a teflon style dry, waxy film onto the metal and does not attract and bind dust and dirt like oil or silicon based lubricants do. If you can't find it at your local hardware store, go to an electrical motor rewind shop. They spray that stuff onto the ends of freshly rewound motors before dipping them into motor varnish and baking them at 550 degrees. Afterward, the baked varnish on the tight fitting ends can be chipped off with a fingernail or by pushing the end caps on, instead of having to grind or re-machine the ends. It is truly amazing stuff and surprising cheap! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of his mother, moving in a strange way. His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Eagle Foundation with Challenger, the free-flying Eagle
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how do I delete update and patch UNinstall files? 




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Good Morning,  !

Friday, May 16, 2008 Today is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. --- John Maxwell
Thanks to Sandie for this story: It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move!"
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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Civil Service Service Stations Customer Service City/County Public Service And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service"agencies are doing to us.
Thanks to Walt for this picture of miniature horses: Attached are photo's of "REALLY' Small Horses. Equate their sizes to Great Dane = Full Grown Lab= Colts Walt
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Paul and Sharon Osborn, of Bletchley, England Sent in by Cookie Want my wife? Paul Osborn, 44, kicked out wife Sharon and advertised her on the internet auction site – with bids hitting £500,100. Take my wife ... Paul's eBay advert It offered his “cheating, lying, adulterous slag of a wife” to the highest bidder – and became an internet phenomenon, with users forwarding the link worldwide. But Sharon, 43, denies an affair and cops are now investigating Paul for harassment. MoT inspector Paul heard rumours in March that Network Rail manager Sharon, his wife of 24 years, was having an affair with a man at work. Dad-of-two Paul, of Bletchley, Bucks, said: “I started checking her emails and I realised the rumours were true. They had been discussing their sex life together and making plans for the future. “I was absolutely destroyed. I gathered all her stuff in bags and dumped it in the drive.” Paul said: “In a fit of rage I put the advert on eBay. I later took it off because I realised it wasn’t the right thing to do. I was just so angry.” Sharon and her colleague made a police complaint against Paul. Neither was available for comment last night. But the unnamed man’s wife said at home in Hemel Hempstead, Herts: “There’s nothing going on. They work in the same office, that’s all.” Thames Valley Police confirmed it was investigating, saying: “Statements have been taken from two people. ” http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/ne ... 165282.ece
Thanks to Minka for this story: "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he's 13?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: David Re: Deleting Update files Dear Webby,After I download a program, I then install it. After that, I delete the installation program. I'm wondering, with all the update files I have from Micro$oft, I'm wondering if I can delete the installation programs from Windows Update and if so, how? Thanks, David Dear David 1. You do not want to delete/uninstall the Hotfixes, if they are still listed, they are most likely current and valid. If you delete the Hotfixes you also remove the protection/enhancement they provide. However you can safely delete the uninstall files. Once you are sure you will keep patch or hotfix, it is safe to delete the UNinstall files. 2. The files may be hidden, to show the file: Go to C:\WINDOWS Click the top TOOLS, click FOLDER OPTIONS, click VIEW Check the radio button. "Show hidden files and folders" Click OK and you should now see more files. 3. Go to C:\WINDOWS and delete "$NTServicePackUinistall$" about 240 mb. Then go to Add/Remove Programs. Click "Service Pack 1"(2), there will be an error since you just deleted the file. Click YES to delete the shortcut. 4. Use similar procedure to delete uninstall files for the updates. The updates will be in this format "$NTUninstall********" Do NOT delete "$hf_mig$" 5. The file "C:\Windows\SoftwareDistribution\Download" may also be safely deleted. Depending on installation method of the service Pack, this file may not be present. 6. Do NOT delete "C:\Windows\ServicePackFiles". That file may be needed if you have problems later and sometimes for hardware installations. It is used by Windows File Protection as a backup for system files. You can burn this file to CD, or compress the file, but if space is that important, a larger or second hard drive is the better fix. Have FUN! DearWebby

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Deeli's Kudos May 15, 2008 - Dearborn, Michigan - AP A Girl Scout sold 17,328 boxes of the group's signature cookies this year by setting up shop on a street corner, shattering her troop's old mark and probably setting a national record. Jennifer Sharpe, a 15-year-old from Dearborn, plans to travel to Europe with her troop with the proceeds from her feat. ''It's always been one of those goals I wanted to accomplish,'' Sharpe said Wednesday. The two bakeries that make the cookies said Sharpe sold more than anyone this year, according to Dianne Thomas, spokeswoman for the Girl Scouts of Metro Detroit. Michelle Tompkins, spokeswoman for the New York-based national organization, called the figure ''amazing.'' Sharpe sold cookies every day on a street corner with help from her mother and troop leader, Pam Sharpe. Jennifer Sharpe's Troop 813 raised about $21,000 in cookie sales, paying for its 10-day trip to Europe this winter. http://www.happynews.com/news/5152008/t ... ookies.htm

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any 'gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said. "The sharks got 'em."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Breaking in a Baseball Glove The best way to break in a baseball glove is to use it. To speed up the process, apply a dab of shaving cream to the center of the glove and then put a baseball in the pocket. Secure the glove closed by tying a shoelace around the glove and put it between your mattresses overnight. Visit ThriftyFun For More Recreation Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recreation_1808.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: doctor Fish
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, What about SP3? 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  May 15, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. -– Victor Hugo
Thanks to Ross for this story: "Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, ..." when little Jason interrupted, "My mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kelly DeBrocky, of Mahopac, N.Y., Is she the type they call "Sheet-fer-brains" ? May 10, 2008 - Norwalk, Connecticut - AP A New York woman has filed a $100 claim against Norwalk saying a family outing to the Maritime Aquarium was ruined by dog feces. The woman claims her child's shoes, along with the entire outing, were ruined when her 1-year-old stepped in dog feces outside the Maritime Garage. City attorney M. Jeffry Spahr said the official response is that her claim is denied and in his words, "poop happens." Kelly DeBrocky, of Mahopac, N.Y., wants the city to reimburse her for $54 she spent replacing her toddler's ruined shoes and the expenses for parking and aquarium admission on April 5. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi
The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He never does?" she asked.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: SP3 Dear Webby, I'm running XP; can't pay me enough to run Vista! I'm not one to download new special packs right away; I like to have them take the bugs out first. May I have your opinion of the new service pack 3? Thanks, you've taught me a lot by reading your Q&A; and you've answered many question to me as well. Carol Dear Carol Skip SP3. There are no new goodies in it anyway, just new bugs. Have FUN! DearWebby

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Deeli's Kudos May 12, 2008 - Dallas, Texas - AP Jenny, recognized as the world's oldest living gorilla in captivity, celebrated her 55th birthday Thursday with a four-layer frozen fruit cake and banana leaf wrapped treats at her wooded home in the Dallas Zoo. The International Species Information System, which maintains records on animals at 700 institutions around the world, said Jenny is the oldest gorilla in its database. Gorillas in the wild normally would live to age 30 or 35. Health care and protection from predators has extended the lifespan in zoos. Of the roughly 360 gorillas in North American zoos, only four are over the age of 50. Jenny's keepers describe her as very sweet though a little bossy. Born in the wild of western central Africa in 1953, the exact date of her birth is unknown. Jenny lived with a family on the Cape Verde islands before the Fort Worth Zoo acquired her in 1957. http://www.happynews.com/news/592008/go ... n-cake.htm

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080511@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Chopsticks as Knitting Needles In a pinch, you can use bamboo chopsticks as knitting needles. Just sharpen the tips of the chopsticks in a pencil sharpener then dull them a little so they aren't too sharp. Ask for extras the next time you get take out. Visit ThriftyFun For More Craft Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega- phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Photo Essays
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: What type of monitor should I buy? 




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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  May 14, 2008

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow. --- Evan Esar The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do. --- John Holt
John came from San Francisco to Depoe Bay and asked a native, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the native replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. "Hello, Mary?" "Oh, Bill! Is that you?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "What is it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I have lunch, then I have sex until supper, then sex till I sleep, then I start all over again." "Oh Bill, then you surely must be in heaven." "Hell, no! I'm a bone tired rabbit in Kentucky."
Thanks to Joe for this picture:
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the government of Myanmar (Burma) Aid workers might smarten up the population May 12, 2008 - Thilawa, Myanmar - UPI Rice exports were flowing through Myanmar's main port even as its military regime was restricting outside aid to cyclone victims, a report said Saturday. Four of the five berths at the port of Thilawa were empty recently, but sacks of rice bound for Bangladesh were being loaded for export, said drivers of at least 10 trucks waiting to deliver more rice to the docks. The decision by the military junta in Myanmar, formerly Burma, to bar foreign aid workers from helping distribute food and relief supplies in the wake of last week's cyclone has caused an outcry from the United Nations and humanitarian groups. However, that stance hasn't stopped the government from continuing to market its rice for export, despite a desperate need for food in the hard-hit Irrawaddy River delta. Outside aid is only accepted if it is delivered to the government, for distribution by the government. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-345990-715592
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance. "This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Moitor choice Dear Webby I need a new monitor. I need it mostly for graphics work and accounting, plus of course email. What would you suggest, LCD or old fashioned? Dianne Dear Dianne When there is graphics work involved, you need the old fashioned big, bulky CRT type. Almost all LCD monitors use a wide aspect ratio like 5 : 2, instead of the normal 4 : 3. Even though the wide aspect ratio seems to be popular with the fake-Rolex yuppie crowd, it is a real nuisance for actual work, and useless for graphics work. 99% of pictures are in a 4:3 format. Wide aspect ratio hides the bottom third. What you used to capture with one screen shot, takes two separate shots and stitching together while size reduced, if you have a wide aspect ratio LCD monitor. The same applies to working with maps. Get yourself the biggest CRT monitor that you can fit onto your desk. Also, keep in mind that the difference in cost for the next bigger size is considerably less than the cost of a new pair of eye glasses! Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Linda for this story: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Deeli's Kudos May 12, 2008 - Alton, Illinois - AP Sandy Baumberger says she never expected to see her wallet again when it was stolen 35 years ago. But it has been found by a 30-year-old dental student who tracked her down and returned it. Eric Wherley says he found the wallet in a bathroom stall at school after a water pipe broke and loosened some ceiling tiles. The thief who stole the wallet apparently had hidden it in the drop ceiling. The dark-blue patent leather wallet contained Baumberger's driver's license, library cards and Social Security card. It also had her student ID, a grocery list, and cloth swatches from her bridesmaids' dresses. Baumberger says she and her husband are planning to give Wherley a gift for his efforts. http://www.happynews.com/news/5122008/m ... 73-odd.htm

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing a Broken Window Apply pieces of masking tape to the window in a crisscross pattern on both sides of the window. Then gently tap around the outer edge of the window with a hammer until the glass breaks out. The tape should help keep the window from shattering but be sure to wear protective gloves. Visit ThriftyFun For More Repair Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_1876.html Personally, I prefer to use duck tape. It will hold even large pieces of glass. After taping the window, I remove it and lay it flat on a patio table or driveway. Then I remove the strips of wood, plastic or metal that hold the glass, and turn the frame upside down. It all comes out as one piece with minimal mess. If it is an antique single pane window held with points and putty, use a hair dryer or heat gun to soften the old putty. If you don't soften the putty, you will probably have to use wood filler and sanding to get a reasonably smooth surface again. Under the putty you will find glazier's points, triangle shaped slivers of metal. Save every one of them, because they are getting hard to find! Then I can clean the frame, paint if necessary, and put the new sealed unit or piece of glass into it. Professional glaziers take it out and lay it flat whenever possible, and that works best for me too. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sue for this story: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Above and below the sea
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Can I conncet a Win 98 to an XP computer? 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  May 13, 2008

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. --- Friedrich Nietzsche We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
A guy goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice, a week ago...." "And you are worried she'll find it again ?"
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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
Thanks to Sue for this picture: Curious antelopes in the yard
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 'Darwin Award Wanna Be' Bicyclist in Fresno, California Does not know the meaning of sharing the road May 11, 2008 - Santa Cruz, California - Fresno Bee Thanks to Ross for this submission. Authorities say a protest by Santa Cruz cyclists turned hostile after a rider collided with a motorist during a ride to remind drivers to share the road. Santa Cruz police Lt. Rick Martinez said about 100 bicyclists swarmed the streets near the city's waterfront around 10 p.m. on Saturday night. Police said a 20-year-old Santa Cruz woman suffered minor injuries when she came out from between two parked cars on her bicycle and into the path of an oncoming car. Paramedics checking on the woman called in police as heated arguments erupted between cyclists and motorists and another driver's rear window was smashed. Three cyclists have died in collisions with vehicles on Santa Cruz streets in the past 10 months. http://www.fresnobee.com/384/story/591246.html -------------------- If they want to behave like ignorant asses and disregard the rules of traffic and common sense, they should get a parade permit and police escort. Merely having more gears on a bicycle than points on their IQ score is no excuse for giving reasonable bicyclers a bad name.
Three ministers are having lunch one day and complaining about sudden infestations of bats in their churches. "I've had those things in my loft and attic all summer," one says. "I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." "Yeah, me too," the second minister says. "I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away." "I had a problem with them, too," the third minister says. "But I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: Connect Win 98 to XP computer DEAR WEBBY, IS THERE A WAY I CAN HOOK UP A COMPUTER RUNNING WIN98 TO MY COMPUTER RUNNING XP2 AND TRANSFER FILES? THANK YOU, CJW Dear Chuck Yes, sure! Just network them with a router. There IS a way to directly connect them with a special cable, but that method requires serious reading of instructions. A simple router is probably the easiest, and since everybody uses them, any neighbor kid can help you with the set-up, if necessary. However, as long as Vista is not involve, it is quite simple and straightforward and nothing to worry about. Have FUN! DearWebby

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where St. Peter commends him for his innovative work with computers and shows him his reward -- a beautiful 10-room house with spacious grounds and a tennis court. Gates is pleased and spends many months enjoying the amenities of heaven. One day, however, he is enjoying one of heaven's many fine parks when he meets a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," says Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replies, "I was given 100 of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill, a 500-acre estate, a golf course and three Rolls-Royces." "Were you a Pope or a doctor healing the sick?" Gates asks him. "No," says his new friend. "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Perturbed, Gates stalks off to find St. Peter. "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion and fine suits on the captain of the Titanic?" Gates demands. "I invented the Windows operating system. Why does he deserve better?" "Well," says St. Peter, "you have to realize that the Titanic only crashed once. And furthermore, when the Titanic crashed, people prayed. Every time Windows crashes, they curse."

Deeli's Kudos May 12, 2008 - Elwood, Indiana - AP Twenty-two years after graduating from high school, Angie Collins is now her former English teacher's favorite student. Collins, 40, donated her kidney this week to Darren Paquin, who teaches English at Elwood Community High School, where she graduated back in 1986. Collins' husband, Dean, said she offered Paquin one of her kidneys after she learned that Paquin was experiencing kidney failure. ''She knew she wanted to do it and she knew she was supposed to,'' he said. Collins, a mother of three, and Paquin underwent the transplant surgery Tuesday at Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis. http://www.happynews.com/news/592008/wo ... eacher.htm

A patient mentions his concerns to his doctor during his annual physical. "Isn't there some kind of memory medicine you can give me?" he asks. "I'm getting terribly forgetful. I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" "Pay me in advance," the doctor, says.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Washing Delicate Crystal or China If you are washing delicate dishes in your sink, line the bottom of the sink with a bath towel before filling it. This will protect your crystal and china from getting chipped on the hard sink bottom. Never use your dishwasher, it is just too harsh and dishes shift around. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips About Dishes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Dishes_296_310.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:


Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Desert wildflowers
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Gossipy firewall 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  May 12, 2008

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent. --- Robert Copeland I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side -- I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts. --- Bethania McKenstry
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Baby burrowing owls in the evening sun
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Eugene L. Huseman from Santa Barbara Possibly drunk judge reverses law? May 11, 2008 - Kern County, California - The Bakersfield Californian Thanks to Ross for this submission. A second-degree murder charge against a woman in an alcohol related traffic death was dismissed Thursday at her preliminary hearing. The dismissal, however, will be challenged in future hearings in Kern County Superior Court, the prosecutor said. Visiting Judge Eugene L. Huseman from Santa Barbara said a declaration defendant Donna Brinkman signed was not enough evidence by itself to justify a murder charge. About two months before the 44-year-old Brinkman struck and killed a 78 year old pedestrian in McKittrick, she signed a court acknowledgment in a misdemeanor drunken driving case that she could be charged with murder if she killed someone while driving drunk. The acknowledgments have been required in drunken driving cases since 2005. Second-degree murder can be filed in a traffic death if a defendant is aware that what he or she is doing is inherently dangerous and does so anyway with “a conscious disregard for human life,” a 1982 law says. The judge said there was no evidence Brinkman had a malevolent heart and there was no evidence suggesting she had done anything other than drive down Highway 33 under the influence of alcohol. Instead, the judge ordered Brinkman to stand trial on felony charges of vehicular manslaughter and drunken driving, as well as a misdemeanor count of driving on a suspended license. Huseman lowered Brinkman’s bail from $250,000 to $50,000. Despite the ruling on the murder charge, Deputy District Attorney Nicholas Lackie said he will file a murder charge against her before her May 21 arraignment. http://www.bakersfield.com/hourly_news/ ... 39500.html ------------------ Sounds like that judge has one of those statements on file himself, and is trying to set a precedent for when he kills someone while driving drunk. He clearly demonstrated that he does not uphold the spirit and the intent of the law, but tries to break it just as much as any criminal.
Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so correctly. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?" "Without water."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rosalie Re: Gossipy Firewall Dear Webby: I have a new laptop (Dell) and use Trend Micro for my virus protector. About 5-6 times a day, I get a notice from Trend Micro that other computers are trying to log onto my computer. The form comes up & I click on 'do not trust' and then click on close. Why is this happening? Thanks for your response. You always answer my computer questions so I can understand the reason. Rosalie Dear Rosalie Sounds like you told the firewall to notify you every time someone tries to log on. Normally that is set to "block and ignore". I am not familiar with Trend Micro, but I would bet that they too have a setting for making the firewall less gossipy. Random log-on attempts are normal, that is why we use firewalls. They are not attacks on you personally, just robot scripts checking one IP number after the other, trying to find those that are not protected by firewalls. If you use a wireless router, then it is even worse. Most laptops continuously scan for usable connections and everybody driving by with a laptop on their back seat will cause a ping. It's not a big deal, since they don't have a password to log on and will be out of range in seconds anyway. Just set the firewall to block and ignore, and don't worry about it. Have FUN! DearWebby

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men are: they're a bunch of liars.

Deeli's Kudos May 10, 2008 - Des Moines, Iowa - The Storm Lake Times A blind Iowa man scored a perfect 300 game at the Century Lanes bowling alley on Saturday. Dale Davis, 78, of Alta, called the game "quite a thrill." He rolled 12 back-to-back strikes, the first-ever perfect game at the Century Lanes. Excitement throughout the building grew as the crowd watched Davis roll ball after ball down the lanes. "When I got to the tenth frame, I said ‘Lord, let me throw three more good balls,’ Davis said. Davis had given up his passion for the sport after losing his sight to macular degeneration years ago. His sister brought him back to the lanes, where he now plays six games a week. “I can’t see the lane or the pins and have a heck of a time finding my ball sometimes,” Davis said. He finds the raised dots lining the lanes and then relies on his hearing and friends to tell him how well he did. Davis sports a 188 average and said he hopes to score another perfect game when he's 90, The Times reported. http://www.kcci.com/sports/16201286/detail.html

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She has a gossipy sister on an extended visit in her apartment, so we can't go to there. I have too many noisy grandkids running around my place and so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00. The Hilton charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Training Wheels on a Wheelbarrow The other day at a farm, I saw a wheelbarrow with bicycle training wheels on it. It wouldn't turn quite as sharply around corners but it was much more difficult to tip over. A good way to reuse those training wheels your kid has outgrown. Visit ThriftyFun For More Reusing Ideas By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Livin ... _2814.html Two-wheeled yard carts are often lighter than wheelbarrows, and cheaper. Those with tall wheels roll even easier than regular wheel barrows. For small chores a seed/fertilizer spreader works just as well. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual pessimistic thinking. The optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?" Luckily the pessimist was wearing a life jacket when he got tossed into the water.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Demotivators
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is Vista safer than XP? 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  May 11, 2008

Happy Mothers Day!

"All I am I owe to my mother." --- George Washington "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world." --- W.R. Wallace "God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers." --- Jewish Proverb "A mother is she who can take the place of all others." --- Cardinal Mermillod "A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest." --- Irish proverb "A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --- Robert Frost "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." --- Homer Simpson "To a child's ear, 'mother' is magic in any language." --- Arlene Benedict "My mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the pope.' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso." --- Pablo Picasso
Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait...."
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This common reaction to Vista is not the recommended way to uninstall it. However, if you choose this method, check first to see where your car is parked.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Government of Estonia Fart tax May 10, 2008 - Estonia - Ananova Estonian authorities have slapped a flatulence tax on farmers to compensate the country for the methane gas produced by cows. Farmers this week received their first 'fart tax' demands asking them to pay for the greenhouse gases their cattle produce. A single cow is thought to produce on average 350 litres of methane and 1,500 litres of carbon dioxide per day from flatulence and burping. It is thought that cattle are responsible for up to 25 per cent of methane gas emissions in Estonia. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2846457.html?menu= It seems that the Estonian gene pool needs a LOT more chlorine! Anybody who elects idiots like that, should never have been allowed out of the hog pen.
A bus load of new recruits arrived at the reception center, and was greeted by an old drill sergeant. He began his speech, "Welcome to Fort Dix, men. From now on, I want you to think of the Army as your family and as your home." Hearing this, one of the recruits broke formation, sat down and lit a cigarette. "Private, what the ...... are you doing?" yelled the sergeant. "Well," said the private, "I'm just making myself at home. Like you said, this is my home." Thinking fast, the sergeant said, "Son, you listen good, and you're right. This is your home. So, as soon as you finish that cigarette, I want you to report to the mess hall to help mother with the dishes for this week."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ernest Re: Is Vista safer than XP Dear Webby: Microsoft claims that Vista is 60% safer than XP, and some magazines claim that Vista is up to 30% safer. Is that true, or just paid advertising? What would YOU recommend for a new office machine? Ernest Dear Ernest Horse apples are 100% safer, but I would not use them for computing either. If you have a $4000 machine with a Quad core CPU and 8 GB of RAM, and can actually run Vista with all the security in it turned on, it probably would indeed be safer. But you would not get any real work done. In real life people turn all or most of the Vista security burden off, so that it is not acting like it is on the verge of stalling or crashing. In that mode, Vista is actually very unsafe. It makes no difference what a machine or OS will do in the lab, if the conditions are not the same as on your desk. You can consider those claims as paid advertising. In real life, a machine, that is used strictly for business and not for venturing onto dubious sites, Windows 2000 is actually the safest, closely followed by XP. Vista is not good enough for the office, since everything takes so much longer. You would have to increase your staff hours and maybe even hire extra staff. You CAN buy XP computers, or you can buy a cheap, subsidized Vista computer plus XP-SP2 on CD, and just exorcise Vista off it when you get it home. However, if the machine is strictly for business, then you might as well put Linux on it. It is free, it is fast, and it is reliable. Just like with UNIX, with Linux you are not in the target path of the viruses, worms and malware. That is all written for Windows and Mac. Even if you are not going to Linux just yet, keep an open mind about it. Vista 2 won't be smaller and faster, and Windows 8 won't be out for many years yet. They don't even know yet, who to blame that one on. Have FUN! DearWebby

While looking for mother related jokes, I came across this letter from GD from Dec 3, 2000: ==from GDB Hi Webby Would you believe that my mothers email program awarded the Humor Letter THREE red peppers for "naughty language" ? We had a hoot going through it with a fine tooth comb trying to find what was naughty in it and the closest we came was this: == "Ma'am, this potato is bad." She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. == So, Dear Webby, better be careful about this "cruelty to potatoes" stuff. Otherwise PETA will go after you and protest in front of your office! They had a topless PETA protest in Tucson last week and it caused quite a big car pile-up. ====GDB===

Deeli's Kudos May 10, 2008 - China - Ananova A 72-year-old Chinese man walked more than 600 miles to visit his son in prison. The man walked for 71 days from his hometown at Taihe town, Anhui province, to the prison at Lianping town, Guangdong province. The pensioner, whose name was not disclosed, had planned to take the train but had his savings stolen shortly after leaving home. The father, who walks with a stick, says he begged all the way, and sometimes ate rotten food from bins during his two month journey. "I didn't see him for two years. I am here to visit him and tell him not to worry about me and transform himself for good, while in prison," he said. Prison wardens were so touched by his story that they even bent the rules to allow him to see his son. "We usually need the visitor to show us his ID card, but his was stolen along with the money," said warden Liu Guanghui. The son, Xie Fei, revealed that his father is actually is his adoptive father, as his real parents died when he was ten. "He adopted me and loves me very much, but I have nothing to repay all this," said Xie. His father made the return journey home in much less time - after wardens clubbed together to buy him a train ticket. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2845254.html?menu=

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wilted Lettuce You can often recover wilted lettuce by soaking it in ice cold water with a few drops of lemon juice or vinegar. Place it in the fridge for about an hour and it should be much more crisp. This also works for carrots, celery and other vegetables. Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Fixes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_939.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher, Miss Figpot, decided to stop by Little Johnny's house on her way home. She wanted to discuss Johnny's poor performance directly with his parents. When she rang the door bell, Little Johnny answered. "Hello Johnny, I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said. "Sorry, but they ain't here." He replied. "Johnny!" She said, "what is it with your grammar?" "Haven't got a clue," Johnny replied, "but dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Golden Gate Bridge
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is SP3 really necessary? 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  May 10, 2008

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. --- Ernst Jan Plugge There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. --- Steven Wright
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
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Thanks to Sandie for an update on the wild ducks that have adopted her yard. These are from the duckings she showed us a few weeks ago.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Patti, 26, of West Islip, NY Future Darwin Award Winner May 6, 2008 - Copiague, New York - AP A Long Island man who flipped his finger at a police cruiser and then popped a wheelie on his motorcycle is recovering from injuries after crashing. Suffolk County Police said Frank Patti, 26, of West Islip, rode by the police car at a service station in Copiague at 7:30 p.m. Sunday. Police say Patti made an obscene gesture to two officers in the car, popped a wheelie and then sped away. Police gave chase. When the motorcycle turned into a parking lot it crashed into a police car that had joined the chase. Police said Patti was treated for minor injuries at Southside Hospital. He's charged with fleeing police, resisting arrest and several traffic violations. He was being held for arraignment Monday. Police did not know if he had an attorney. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080505/ap_ ... ycle_chase
The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias. "Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?" "Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?" "Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our unmentionables with leaves . . . "
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marnie Re: Is SP3 necessary? Dear Webby: Is that SP3 really necessary, or is it actually poisoning XP to force us to go to Vista sooner? Marnie Dear Marnie Just because you are paranoid, that doesn't mean they are not out to get you! If you have all the automatic ug fixes and patches, you do NOT need SP3. There are no new goodies in it. However, there is one landmine hidden in it. If you install SP3, you won't be able to revert to IE6, if you have accidentally let IE7 slip in. Personally, I am skipping SP3, just like I am skipping Vista. By the way, you can still buy XP-SP2. Microsoft is still selling it to vendors for $50, but because of the tremendous demand for it, some of them now charge around $200 for it. If you find a reasonably ethical dealer, it would probably be a very good idea to invest in a spare XP-SP2 for your next machine. Have FUN! DearWebby

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

Deeli's Kudos May 7, 2008 - San Diego, California - UPI U.S. border authorities in the U.S. Southwest detain immigrants trying to sneak into and now out of the country, officials say. U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers established random checkpoints along the Tijuana-San Diego border and are arresting departing Mexicans who lack proper identification papers. "If our officers come upon people who are here illegally . . . regardless of whether they're leaving the country, we detain them, make a record of the fact they were here illegally and return them to Mexico," customs agency spokesman Vincent Bond said. "Whether people are coming or going . . . checkpoints are just another line of defense that targets illegal behavior," a spokesman for U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Calif., said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-344310-945992

In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rented him. One of them idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his butt, just barking, ever since."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spray Your Cover, Not Your Clothes, When Ironing It will spread out the moisture more evenly. Or, toss wrinkled clothing into a dryer with a damp towel for a few minutes before ironing. Instead of using the sprayer in your iron, use a spray bottle. A spray bottle on mist offers you much more control when applying water. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?" The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . lemon . .. lime. . . green . . . orange . . . orange." Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're *********!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: First Science Photo Gallery
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: IE7 Blocker 



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Good Morning,  !
Friday,  May 9, 2008
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!




It takes two to quarrel, but only one to end it. --- Spanish Proverb The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. --- Helen Rowland
Thanks to Sandie for this story: We are fortunate our grandchildren live close by and visit us often. When our seven-year-old granddaughter, Morgan, comes over, she loves to watch her grandmother when she is baking. "Oma," she asked one day, "where did you learn how to cook?" She told her that she learned from her mother and passed on the knowledge to her daughter. Someday, she continued, her mother will pass the knowledge on to her. There was a short silence. "No, I don't think so," Morgan said. "Mom puts everything in the microwave."
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Thanks to Sue for this picture from above the clouds in the Canadian Rockies. No global warming here either. Right now it is snowing outside the Webby office.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Austrian Rugby team Not sore loosers Submitted by Arturas May 8, 2008 - Vilnius, Austria - Reuters The Austrian national rugby team tried to get over their 48-0 defeat by Lithuania by staging a mass striptease in the capital Vilnius late on Saturday, only to find they had been caught on video and put on the Internet. The video, put out by a blogger on social community website Virb (http:/www.virb.com/justafa/blog/701053) and then taken up by the Lithuanian news portal Delfi, showed a group of 20 men singing and stripping off their clothes on a street in central Vilnius, while people in a nearby bar clapped and cheered. "Yes, these were the men we played against on Saturday ... I guess the defeat could have prompted them to do that," Lithuanian rugby federation President Aleksandras Makarenka told Reuters. Delfi quoted the Vilnius police chief as saying stripping in public could be considered an act of hooliganism -- but by then the Austrian team had gone home. http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEno ... ddlyenough
Thanks to Walter for this one: Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave." The Second one tries to improve on that with, Coverage from the womb to the tomb." Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm." The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Teresa Re: IE7 Blocker Dear Webby: A thousand - no, make that a million - thanks to you for the time and effort you invest in this newsletter. I look forward to it every day. In today's Tech Support response, you said: Just make sure you got your IE7 blocker in place, so that they can't slither that in on you. I would love to know what the "IE7 blocker" is; I've not been downloading updates because I don't want it to "slither in". If you published this info in a previous letter, I must have missed it somehow. Thank you. ~Teresa~ Dear Teresa The IE7 blocker blocks the automatic updates from including IE7. It's not that Microsoft listened to what people want, apparently the military demanded the blocker. You can get the IE7 blocker in my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Here is a direct link to it: http://webby.com/tools.html#guard (It will be right at the top) Have FUN! DearWebby

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter returned in May. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said. "It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."

Deeli's Kudos May 8, 2008 - Ottawa, Ontario - Gimundo Everyone feels a little friendlier on a Friday afternoon. But on April 25th, more than 12,000 students, teachers, and parents from 10 Ottawa-area high schools took their T.G.I.F. joy to the next level, joining together in a supersized group hug that spanned a circle around the city's Rideau Canal. It wasn't just the elation of another week coming to an end that brought the group together, though: The major-league hug was an attempt to break a Guinness World Record, and a fundraiser to collect more than $150,000 for several Ottawa nonprofit organizations. In 2004, the city first broke the record for world's biggest hug with 5,100; but after being beaten by a group of amorous Americans, they decided to reclaim their title this year. They're still waiting on verification from Guinness, but it seems like a sure thing that Ottawa will be back on top this time. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/1 ... _Group_Hug

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency. During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?" The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Add It Up Buying a latte and eating lunch out costs about $10 a day, that adds up to $2,600 a year. If you brought it from home, you could save as much as $2,000 a year. The same goes for eating out at night. Multiply the average cost by 52 for the yearly cost (don't forget to include the tip and tax). Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Scorcher Murphy was selling his house and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have. Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale! 'Tis too good to part with."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: German castles
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is SP3 safe? 



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Good Morning,  !
Thursday,  May 8, 2008

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. --- Evelyn Waugh Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain. --- Friedrich von Schiller
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia. "What's that?" she asked. "It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that." As she re-attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rich Moyle and the North Lauderdale City Commission Divide the state, double the cost May 7, 2008 - North Lauderdale, Florida - South Florida Sun-Sentinel Thanks to Kathie for this submission One city commission wants to divide Florida into two states: North Florida and South Florida. The North Lauderdale City Commission says in a resolution that it's not confident in state leaders when it comes to collecting and spending their own money. It also says it would be "in the best interests of the citizens and residents" to divide the state. Commissioner Rich Moyle says they're frustrated with the state Legislature "ignoring the cities in South Florida." But he acknowledges the idea likely won't pass. When asked Tuesday about the resolution, Governor Charlie Crist could only muster up a laugh. Meanwhile, other municipalities and counties are being asked to join in the resolution. The boundary line would be from Palm Beach County down through Monroe County.
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda (and many others) Re: Is SP3 safe? Dear Webby M$ is trying to download SP3 into my computer. Is it safe? Brenda Dear Brenda Yes, SP3 seems to be quite safe. It's just a collection of the bug fixes and security patches that have been released since SP2, just in case you missed any automatic updates. There are no new goodies, that might tempt you to hold off with Vista even a minute longer. It's just a grudingly released collection of fixes. Just make sure you got your IE7 blocker in place, so that they can't slither that in on you. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Scorpio for this story: Two Québecois businessmen in Trois-Rivières were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Newfie walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Newfie accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling morons.' Without skipping a beat, the Newfie said, 'You're doing well ... only two left!'

Deeli's Kudos May 7, 2008 - Northport, New York - Gimundo Alia Sabur, a math and physics professor from Northport, New York, is only 19 years old and the youngest college professor in history. This girl genius caught the education bug early in life. She was reading by 8 months of age, and had finished elementary school by 5 – right around the time when her peers were entering kindergarten. By the age of 14, she'd graduated summa cum laude with a degree in applied mathematics from Stonybrook University, which she followed with an M.S. and a Ph.D in materials science and engineering from Drexel University. Three days before her 19th birthday, Sabur landed a teaching job as a college professor at Konkuk University in Seoul, South Korea. The position is set to start next month, but until then, she's practicing her lecture skills at Southern University in New Orleans, where she's teaching math and physics. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/1 ... _Professor

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live in New York on $800 a year.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Wallets and Purses Clean out your wallet or purse at least once a week. File important receipts and business cards that you have collected and don't carry anything that you don't need. If you are carrying your wallet in your back pocket, the thinner it is, the easier it is on your back when you sit down. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clutter Control Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Cl ... 9_680.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While I was preaching at a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said. "Behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: US Gas Prices by Zip Code
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: No Kudos for Best Buy 



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Good Morning,  !
Wednesday,  May 7, 2008

Sorry about the problems getting to the sites or seeing pictures
yesterday morning. We were under attack and it took until noon
to fight it off. 


It is not the place, nor the condition, but the mind alone that can make anyone happy or miserable. -– Roger L'Estrange
Thanks to Dave for bringing back this delightful classic: A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the presenters were many well-known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was another man's wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well. The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try and use that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that was another man's wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Thanks to Verna for this picture: ...believe it was on Blevins Trail at Usery Mountain Regional Park Verna
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a teenager in Westchester County, New York Painfull Lesson May 6, 2008 - Westchester County, New York - AP Thanks to Ross for this submission. A Westchester County teenager is facing a long list of charges after allegedly trying to rob two men and finding out they were undercover police officers. Yonkers police said the officers were in their unmarked car, doing overnight surveillance work, when Michael Garcia, 19, reached into the driver-side window, grabbed an officer and demanded money. Police said the two officers got out of the car. They say the unarmed suspect punched and kicked them while trying to avoid arrest. After the fight, all three men were treated at hospitals. Garcia is charged with attempted robbery, assault and resisting arrest. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/436000.html
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Thanks to kati for this story: Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Many Re: Bad Deals at Best Buy Dear Webby, It's a shame when there is a big name Company and we put our trust in them only to learn another lesson. A friend of mine had a similar situation with Best Buy. They must send the Best Buy Geeks on the road and leave inexpercienced and salespersons to attend to Computer problems. They told my friend that he had a memory problem and he was better off buying a new Computer. He bought a new Computer. He finally called me because his old Computer wouldn't boot. When I opended his Computer they put the Master drive in line with the CD and the slave as the Master without changing the jumpers. I'm glad that Mare wrote you with his problem with Best Buy and that you took the time too respond. I'am also 65 yrs and we never stop learning. Take Care Robert Robert's letter was only one of many. There was not one single letter in defense of BestBuy. Overall, it seems that Best Buy is best avoided, when it comes to anything more technical than an extension cord. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Martin for this story: An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind him. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?" The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I messed with your mother, she gave me a cookie."

Deeli's Kudos I'd like to call this one a Kudo to the courts !!! Deeli May 6, 2008 - Fort Worth, Texas - AP Thanks to Ross for this submission. A Texas woman who caused her lover's shooting death by falsely crying rape was convicted Friday of involuntary manslaughter. Tracy Denise Roberson, 37, cried a bit when the verdict was announced. The punishment phase was set for Monday, and she faces two to 20 years in prison. In late 2006, Darrell Roberson came home from a late-night card game to find his scantily clad wife with another man in a pickup truck in the driveway. Tracy Roberson was with her lover but cried rape, and her husband fired four shots into the truck as Devin LaSalle drove off, killing him. Darrell Roberson initially was arrested, but a murder charge was later dropped and a grand jury indicted Tracy Roberson instead. During her three-day trial, defense attorneys called no witnesses but blamed LaSalle's death on Darrell Roberson's jealousy and rage. But prosecutors placed all the blame on Tracy Roberson, showing evidence of the affair with LaSalle, 32, and a text message in which she invited him to her house that evening. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080503/ap_ ... lHQl1H2ocA

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two." "How will I be sure?" she pressed. "Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Rain Checks If a store runs out of an item that is on sale, ask them for a rain check. Rain checks allow you to pay the sale price for the item at a later date. If the store can't give you a rain check, take the ad to a competitor to see if they will price match. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sandie for this story: "That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Albuquerque N.M
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, bad deal at Best Buy 



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Good Morning,  !
Tuesday,  May 6, 2008

A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. --- Chinese Proverb In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. --- Napoleon Bonaparte
hanks to Cookie for this: A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching ........................... 7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.' 7 year old Mellanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. 7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.' 7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' 7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much. 7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' 7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.' 7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.' 7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
More kid stuff, this time from Scorpio TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. ____________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : N o , sir. It's the same dog.
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Thanks to Robert for this picture: Dear Webby, Thanks for sharing your Travels. Here is a picture of Hickman Bridge in Capital Reef National Park,Utah. Many thanks to your Humor Letter, advice, jokes and travels. Take Care Robert
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Tennessee Prison Officials Help Wanted: New Prison Officials May 4, 2008 - Nashville, Tennessee - UPI A convicted murderer, inadvertently released from a Tennessee prison in April, was apprehended Saturday in Atlanta. Edgar Bailey Jr., 35, was released April 22 from the South Central Correctional Facility in Clifton, Tenn., as a result of a clerical error, said Tennessee Corrections Department spokeswoman Dorinda Carter. Prison officials caught the mistake one week later and added Bailey to the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation's 10 Most Wanted List. Bailey was imprisoned for premeditated murder and felony murder in the 2001 death of Anthony McAfee in Chattanooga, Tenn. The premeditated murder conviction was overturned on appeal but Bailey still faced life in prison on the felony murder charge. "Somewhere in this decision it looks like we may have overlooked the fact that the other count of murder was affirmed," Carter said. "We made a mistake in calculating the sentence and understanding the court's order." Bailey was apprehended at this father's house in Georgia Saturday morning. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-342686-919025
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Thanks to Ruby for this groaner: When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body', while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.' The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme 'wouldn't hold water'. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some Ass**** in administration.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mare Re: Took by Best Buy Dear Webby, I had Word installed on my last computer and when the motherboard fired, I had to replace my computer. The geeks at Best Buy said they installed the old hard drive in my new computer but that this new HP came preloaded with Vista. I am 65 years old, computer illiterate and very frustrated. I found my old files, but how do I get (or can I get) the programs such as Word back? I truly hate Vista and time isn't making it easier for me to figure it out. My old Word disc was for a business and it's about 5 years old. Would it be safe to load that onto my new computer? I cannot afford to pay for it again! Thanks for helping me in any way you can. Mare in Md. Dear Mare That makes me mad! It sounds like the bozos at BestBuy lied to you. If they had put your old hard drive into the machine, like you had ordered, it would be running XP and everything the old machine ran, not Vista. Insist on getting what you paid for, and offer to stuff that useless Vista up their butts. Don't take any guff from those lying bozos! You didn't really need a new computer in the first place. Any neighborhood whiz kid could have replaced the motherboard for $100 - $150 plus a hot meal. It takes 5 minutes to order one, and 5 to 10 minutes to swap the board. I have had motherboards replaced, and it's not a big deal. Just like with changing keyboards or power supplies, it does NOT affect the programs or operating system that you have on your hard drive. Give 'em hell, and know that tens of thousands of readers are on YOUR side and rooting for you! Back up your word files before you take that machine back, just in case the bozos mess up even more. By the way, I use DELL computers with next day on-site repair/ replace warranty. When a motherboard fries, and with the hard use I put on them, they do seem to fry when they get about 3 years old, I contact DELL, pull the machine out to where it is easy to work on, and vacuum out the dust bunnies. Next day a contractor working for Dell shows up, marvels at how clean the machine is, and 3 minutes later it's running again. It usually takes me twice as long to shove it back into it's usual place and connect all the cables. Replacing the motherboard has never had any effect whatsoever on the Operating System or programs, not like changing the mouse, which usually requires running the included install CD. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this story: My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied. She looked disappointed. "That dance was that important to you?"

Deeli's Kudos May 5, 2008 - Pleasanton, California - AP Safeway Inc. today announced a program that enables its customers to cash their government economic stimulus checks at Safeway, receive a store discount and still have flexibility to choose how to spend the funds. The offer is good at all Safeway and Safeway-owned stores, including Vons, Pavilions, Randalls, Tom Thumb, Carrs, Dominick's, Genuardi's and Pak 'n Save. Beginning May 14, just as the stimulus checks arrive in mailboxes, all Safeway and Safeway-owned stores will cash the stimulus checks for free and give Club Card customers a 10 percent discount certificate good on their purchases that day or the following day. "We are pleased to offer this no-cost check cashing service and to provide customers with an extra discount to help stretch these funds farther," said Safeway Chairman, President and CEO Steve Burd. " Customers who are interested in this offer should present their stimulus check, government-issued ID and a Safeway Club Card at their local store's Customer Service center from May 14, 2008 through July 19, 2008. The program is limited to one offer per household. Further details of the program will be available in store and on the Safeway website. http://www.happynews.com/news/552008/sa ... checks.htm

Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds!" Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Boxing Up Items When Moving Pack everything that you can into boxes, original if possible. Linens, clothing and other soft items can be packed into bags, boxes or luggage. Use blank newsprint for packing your nicest items to prevent newspaper ink from transferring onto belongings. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Rubye for this story: It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9 PM he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon. I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding." She said, "Don't be silly. You can't give a sermon about horseback riding." He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this. You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service." He said, "OK, then, suit yourself," so she stayed in the car. Entering church, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her. One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given. ' She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it? He talks big, but he's only tried it twice in his life. Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Naturmobil - A One Horse Dea
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Sound Solution 



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Good Morning,  !
Monday,  May 5, 2008

People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust. --- E. B. White
Continuing the trip. From Hurricane to St George and brunch at Denny's was an easy Sunday morning start. After that a few precise turns, that made me glad I printed out the google map before the trip, and we were on Old Highway 91. There is very little traffic on that highway, just a few people wo want to avoid the Utah Port Of Entry weigh station and occasional vehicle inspection station. There had been a wildfire in the area since I last drove through. It was recovering nicely, but sure looked different. The hillsides were dotted with Indian Paintbrush Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Click on the thumbnail for the big picture and yellow flowering bushes. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Cacti and flowers were in full color, often within a few steps of the highway. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Old US 91 returns to the freeway in Beaver Dan/Littlefield in the Arizona Strip, the rugged little left top corner of Arizona you go through from Utah to Nevada. The I-15 is fast, and thanks to everybody ignoring speed limits, not too crowded. If everybody obeyed the speed limits, it would be bumper to bumper traffic and a real nuisance. We turned off it at Exit 93 and wove our way through some sleepy little towns down to the Valley Of Fire state park. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture that park has very nice pavement running between beautiful, rugged orange mountains. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture There was surprisingly little traffic, considering it was a Sunday and how close to Las Vegas it is. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture The return to Las Vegas was easy as usual. I avoid the nutty confusion and high prices downtown, and always stay at the 1000 Main Street Hotel in North Las Vegas. It is economically priced, has fast wireless Internet, a restaurant and a pool, they are generous about the coffee for the coffee machine in the room, and the staff are all long term employees. Not just the front desk people recognize me, but even the Mexican ladies that clean the rooms. Here is the view from the room I usually get for starting and ending a desert safari. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Well, that winds up a beautiful trip. Next years trip will be a loop through Death Valley, Big Bear Lake, Joshua Tree Park, Organpipe Park, Tombstone, Bisbee, Lordsburg, Silver City, Eagar, Sho Low, Flagstaff, Grand Canyon, Prescott, Bagdad, Hoover Dam and back to Las Vegas. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Roland for this story: A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did." She got the raise.
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Thanks to Deeli for this story: Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you... then we made love all night long." The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night." The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Indonesian Government Perks for mass murderers May 1, 2008 - Jakarta, Indonesia - UPI A married man on death row in Indonesia for the 2002 Bali bombings has been cleared to remarry his ex-wife, authorities say. The convicted terrorist bomber, who goes by the single name Amrozi, is facing a death sentence for murdering 202 people. However, the Indonesian government has approved his request to remarry his first wife, Siti Rohma, whom he divorced in 1987 after two years of marriage, PerthNow reported Thursday. Amrozi, 45, who is still married to his second wife, Astuti, whom he wed in 1988, will not be allowed a honeymoon or conjugal visit following the marriage ceremony, reportedly set for May 12, Jukarta officials have said. http://www.arcamax.com/newsheadlines/s-341360-552807
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An American tourist was visiting a small village in Ireland when there was a sudden gust of wind which blew his hat off into the middle of a nearby pond. Walking over to a local, who was sitting beside the pond, the tourist asked, "Say, son, how deep is this pond?" "Oh, only a few inches," replied the local. After taking his shoes off and rolling his trousers up over his knees, the tourist stepped into the pond to retrieve his hat and, within a few seconds, was completely submerged in the water. Swimming out to the middle of the pond he finally reached his hat, and then struggled back to edge. Climbing out, he turned to the local and screamed, "Hey you, I thought you said that pond was only a few inches deep!" "Well," shrugged the local, "the water only comes half way up that duck over there."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Sound Dear Webby, Have Loretta go to start, open Run, then type in dxdiag then hit OK and the Direct X Diagnostic tool window opens. There she then hits sound and it will check the sound for her then tell her what is wrong. The next page will tell her if it needs to be installed. And you are right, Belarc advisor does a complete inventory of your machine. You recommended it to me long ago and it is fantastic! Everyone should have it on their desktop! Jaye Dear Jaye Thans for your valuable advice! Have FUN! DearWebby

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions and the woman just makes the little decisions." "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?" "Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

Deeli's Kudos May 1, 2008 - Kalamazoo, Michigan - UPI An 83-year-old woman who set out after retirement to earn a college degree has graduated from Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo, Mich. Ruth Stoeffler said she began her college career in 1995, shortly after the death of her husband, and took a wide variety of classes during the ensuing 13 years until she earned a bachelor's degree in social science studies, the Detroit Free Press reported. "I was by myself and had to do something," she said. "I wanted something interesting and challenging and fun ... I thought, 'I'm going to get myself a diploma from a university.'" Stoeffler, who walked down the aisle with classmates at the university's graduation ceremony during the weekend, told the Free Press she doesn't intend to use her degree to start a new career but she said she would like to parlay her knowledge and experience into volunteer work. Copyright 2008 by United Press International

Thanks to Sandie for this story: My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth out of a vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every minute or not, but once, while I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is costing us $300 a day and you sit there reading a book?!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Kids To Put Their Clothes Away Make sure the child doesn't have more clothing that there is space to store it and establish drawers and locations where things should go. You can even label where things should go with words, drawings or photos. Give them their own basket and have them put their own clothing away. Visit ThriftyFun For More Children's Organizational Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Ch ... 9_677.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Sandie for this story: Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them. "Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Cat Diary
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Weby: No sound 



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Good Morning,  !
Sunday,  May 4, 2008

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." --- Eleanor Roosevelt Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. --- William Feather
Continuing the trip. After a day of catching up and cussing at Vista, which makes all work take many times longer, we drove from Hurricane through Quail Creek Park and then, mostly on the old highway parallel to the I-15 Freeway through pretty and slow towns to Cedar City. From there we went West through rather casual farm land to Newcastle, then down to Enterprise, Central, Veyo, Dammeron and then turned right into Snow Canyon Park. Almost missed the little sign, but I knew where the turn-off is and was looking for it. Snow Canyon Park seems to be almost a secret. The park road has been freshly paved recently and most of it is downhill. You can quietly coast through the magnificent scenery. Usually mid April is best, but because of the late season this year, late April was perfect. There was color everywhere! Not just the red and orange sediment rocks and black volcanic rocks, Volcanic rocks on top of orange sediment rock Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. but cacti and flowers blooming all over the place. Dad found some Engelman cacti Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. There is even a small sand dune desert with pinkish-orange coral sand! Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Eventually we came down to St George and capped a beautiful day with Banana Splits at Denny's before heading back to Hurricane. The Days Inn in Hurricane is an excellent deal. It creaked a bit and the doors occasionally rattled a bit in the strong winds, not enough to worry, but more a humorous reminder of why the town got the name Hurricane. Table and chairs are as mismatched as in 99 % of US hotels and you need the plexiglass sheet, that I described often enough, to jam into the dresser drawer for a laptop table at comfortable height, but the wireless DSL is fast and doesn't drop off. If you want to spend some time in the parks all around there, I can highly recommend it as a base. With on-line reservation it's under $50 per night. OK, enough for today. More tomorrow.
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"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'" - Ronnie Shakes
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a city worker in Kinokawa, Japan Speed Porno Watching Thanks to Walter for this submission. May 3, 2008 - Tokyo, Japan - AP A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday. The man, a Kinokawa city government employee in western Japan, visited porn sites from June 2007 to February 2008, city official Tomiko Waki said. The man's name was withheld. Despite his frequent porn viewing, none of his colleagues noticed his activities, which he apparently conducted throughout the workday. "Each desk is set apart from each other," Waki said, adding that the man logged 170,000 hits on porn sites in July alone. The man's supervisors discovered his extensive porn site visits after his computer became infected with a virus, prompting officials to examine his Web browser's history. Along with the demotion, he received a 20,000 yen ($190) monthly pay cut, Waki said. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/japan_internet_porn
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Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture. She figures her new van will reduce her gas expenses.
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. Being a good foot taller than her, he tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... SOMEBODY is going to get a spanking."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Loretta Re: No sound I had a computer crash a couple of months ago and I had to reload everything. I thought I had but I have no sound. What have I not done or what do I need to do? Loretta Dear Loretta Most likely something is not plugged in. Even without sound drivers for your specific sound card, the default built in sound should work. You can use Belarc Advisor from my toolbox at http://webby.com to do an inventory of the machine. It will tell you what kind of sound card you have. Then you can go onto the site of whoever made that sound card, and download the driver for it. But first check to make sure everything is plugged in and turned on. For example, I run my sound through a big ol BOOMbox instead of overpriced computer squeakers. However, even the slightest power failure turns the boom box off. Then I have to hike over to it and hit the power button on it to get sound again. Have FUN! DearWebby

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" The teacher said. "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."

Deeli's Kudos May 2, 2008 - Havana, Cuba - AP Cubans are getting wired. Computers went on sale to the general public on the communist island on Friday and potential consumers were lining up outside store windows to gawk and consider buying. President Raul Castro's government had authorized the sale of personal computers to average Cubans more than a month ago, but they were not made available until Friday. Computer sales are the latest of a series of measures Castro has taken to make life easier for ordinary Cubans. The new government also has erased bans on cell phones and luxury hotel room rentals, and has made it easier for state workers to own homes they once rented as part of their jobs. It also is letting more private farmers and cooperatives take a crack at putting fallow government land to better use. http://www.happynews.com/news/522008/co ... t-time.htm

The teen-aged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. It seems she's always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked, "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all." The girl replied, "Waiting for me to come home."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Treat Carpet Stains Immediately Treat spills quickly for the best chance of avoiding a stain. Much can be removed if you immediately blot with a towel. If you have kids, make sure they know that they need to tell you about spills immediately so they do not have time to set. Visit ThriftyFun For Carpet Cleaning Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Carpet_296_304.html Considering how cheap a small 2 Gallon Wet/Dry ShopVac is, (under $30) I would not squish stuff into the carpet by trying to blot it. Vacuum up what you can, then use a narrow spout watering can and warm, not hot, dishwater to flush the spill while continuing to vaccum. Use lots of water! Even the small ShopVac holds TWO gallons, and your watering can probably only holds a quart. The only drawback to this method is that you may wind up with a patch that is embarrassingly cleaner than the rest of the carpet. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aerial Photography of Texas
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Der Webby: printing too small 



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Good Morning,  !
Saturday,  May 3, 2008

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. --- Mahatma Gandhi
Continuing the trip. In the morning, while getting gas and smokes for the day, I saw a tumbleweed dancing in front of THE store, just like they used to be shown in the old Western movies. Naturally I ran back to the car to grab the camera. Escalante's future has not arrived yet, and some small houses are cheap enough that you might have room for them on your credit card. If you can stand the heat there in summer, it might be a beautiful place to retire to. The gas station does not sell cigarettes, but they sell vegetable bedding plants that they grow in a little plastic tarp greenhouse. After that we headed south through the awesome red rocks between Escalante and Bryce Park. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture Moss Cave trail was a fun half hour hike with plenty of opportunity to goof around admire impressive rock towers up close. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. That's my dad in that picture. From there it was fast and easy freeway cruising southward to Zion Park. Just like Bryce Canyon, Zion Park is by far the best in the evening sun. Wait until the hordes of tourists are parked somewhere and the sun is low on the horizon. That's when the colors and the contrasts really make it memorable. During mid day, this view would have been rather ho-hum: Click on the thumbnail for the big picture After the tunnel I looked for my favorite unicorn. Yep, still up there. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture You are seeing a zoom shot and double zoom of the insert, but I have often wondered how many Million people have driven by without seeing the unicorn. The same goes for "God's Face". That's not an official name. I just call it that. The first time I drove through Zion park, about 10 years ago, I didn't really know what "Zion" was about, but figured it was something religious. So, when I spotted that benevolently smiling face from the far distance, I gave it that name. These pictures are not fancy zoom shots, but taken at different locations. I shuffled them so that they are just the way you would see it, when driving through the park from West to East. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Click on the thumbnail for the big picture. Hopefully some day one of you will tell me that you too have seen God's Face and the Unicorn. This s getting long. OK, enough for today. More tomorrow.
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Thanks to Sandie for this story: A young man was applying for a job with a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is over staffed. We have more employees now than we really need." "That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged. "The work I do is never noticed anyway."
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kim Terry and Rhonda Levitt of Riverside County, Calif. Burro fashion April 16, 2008 - Los Angeles, California - UPI Residents of Riverside County, Calif., are hoping to save hundreds of wild burros by equipping the animals with reflective collars, a former rodeo rider says. Former rodeo rider Kim Terry says he and several neighbors think the reflective collars should make the animals more noticeable on busy roads at night, the Los Angeles Times reported. Rhonda Leavitt said the collars are made from cheap belts, but they're not meant as a fashion statement. "They don't care what they look like," she said. "And the belts reflect like you wouldn't believe." Leavitt, 50, told the Times the burros are at risk when dry weather prompts them to search out new sources of water. Riverside County Animal Control field services commander Rita Gutierrez told the Times the idea could save lives. "It's a clever idea and it certainly can't hurt," she said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International -------------------------------- The collars won't stop the thirsty burros from running out onto the road. If the boneheads want to save the burros, they should drill a few wells far away from the highway and put up a few windmill operated water pumps. There are some old abandoned ones in that area, that could be refurbished quite cheaply.
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Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Magic Tap in Cadiz, Spain I was about 6 years old when I saw a magic tap for my first time. It was at some trade show and a brewery used it as an attention getting gag. The man at the booth delighted in being sadistic and not telling me how it worked. The Magic Tap was in a big aquarium style glass showcase, that had an electrical cord going to it. Since I was becoming a pest with my insistent questioning, dad dragged me on to the other displays. Well, a while later I circled back, checked where that electrical cord went. It ws a long extension cord that snaked along and behind quite a few booths all the way to the end wall. Naturally I unplugged it. The Magic Tap flow stopped and revealed a pipe that had been hidden by the flow. Simple. Because I was mad at the bozo who had refused to tell me, I left the cord unplugged and scurried away.
Bob was having marital problems. So he went to his psychiatrist for a little help. The shrink says "when you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her." In two weeks Preet was back in the shrink's office. The shrink asked "How did it go?" Bob said, "She hasn't talked to me since, but her bridge club got quite a kick out of it."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: Printing too small Dear Webby,... I have an on going problem, when I print with my computer with wind. XP home the print is extreamly small and no matter what I do..(change font size etc) it still comes out very small..yet with my other computer with Wind. XP pro.. it's normal..yes I did swith printers and it's the same thing...I'm b affeled..please help... Gary Mancini Dear Gary First, make sure you don't have "Shrink to fit" selected. if that is not the case, then you will have to re-install the printer driver from the CD that came with the printer. Most likely someone took a shortcut when installing the printer and used the generic driver for that printer, that is built into Windows. It is close enough for that brand, so that you can print, but not close enough for that model and series to print properly. If you don't have the CD that came with the printer, you should be able to download the driver from the printer manufacturer's web site. Have FUN! DearWebby

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying. She asked him, "What's wrong with you?" He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said that I had a choice, I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years." Baffled, she said, "Yes." The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

Deeli's Kudos May 1, 2008 - Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada - Toronto Sun Frank Peter, a 41-year-old man from Niagara Falls, Ontario, is still a newcomer to the putting green. But on a recent visit to the Legends on the Niagara golf course with his 17-year-old ephew, Peter made his first ever hole-in-one – a very impressive feat for a 139-yard, Par 3 hole. "I have always dreamed of getting a hole-in-one. I grabbed the flag stick and yelled out a big, 'woo hoo." Even more impressive, Peter teed off his perfect shot without the advantage of standing to line up the ball: He is paraplegic, and plays golf from a special cart called the SoloRider. According to SoloRider's president Peter is the first golfer ever to land a hole-in-one from the innovative cart and seems to think that Peter's star turn won't be an isolated incident: "He is a superior athlete and a fine golfer, and someone very capable of making not just one, but many holes-in-one." Watch out, Tiger Woods. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/1 ... ole-in-One

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing a Bumper Sticker To remove a bumper sticker from a metal bumper, dampen the sticker with vinegar, lighter fluid, or nail polish remover and scrape the sticker off with a razor blade. Be sure to test your cleaning solution in an inconspicuous place before using it on a plastic bumper. Visit ThriftyFun For More Car Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_126.html Most bumper stickers can be peeled off easily, if heated with a hair dryer or heat gun. Have FUN DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must. "Mom, you are no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what will happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when..... you know... when.... God forbid... you pass on?" The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead. "I mean, Mom, like.... how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?" There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you simply surprise me?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Light Bulbs
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Missing NTOSKRNL 



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Good Morning,  !

Friday,  May 2, 2008
Wear something red to show your support for the troops!


Integrity is not a ninety percent thing, not a ninety-five percent thing. Either you have it or you don't. --- Peter Scotese
Continuing the trip. Straight through the desert from Kayenta to Page was fast with very few photo stops. Due to the opposite of global warming, that desert wasn't even close to blooming. In Page, the only computer store was closed, and didn't look like they had any computers in stock. So off we went to the place of last resort: Walmart. I was desperate! They had 3 laptops, all Vista. One was labelled on the shelf as having 3 GB of RAM. It actually only had 2 GB, but they charged the price of the 3 GB computer. I was not at all happy with that and let them know it. At the hotel I downloaded the back-up stashed on the net while cussing at Vista. It's a klutzy clone of 1990 Mac with the voice message "You can't get there from here" replaced with just as useless error messages. I pity the poor folks who think that is good enough! The pre-installed Norton didn't help either. Between that and Vista I got the impression that instead of intelligent security they simply made it so klutzy and slow, that hackers would get impatient and go watch the lawn grow for some excitement. By running CrapCleaner every half hour and running only half the programs I run simultaneously on XP, I managed to spread the crashes to almost two hours apart and eventually did get the mail answered and the chores done. The next day we goofed around Lake Powell and then headed down to Marble Canyon. The pictures are at http://dawna.com During a late lunch on the porch of the restaurant there a sudden but short twister added a layer of grit and sandy minerals to the food that it didn't take along. Luckily I saw it approaching and grabbed my plate fast enough. Dad wasn't so lucky and the twister pasted his plate on his chest, mashed potatoes and gravy and all. Five seconds later it was over. the napkins were miles away, but we found all the cutlery and cups. About 15 miles farther West I stopped on a hunch and sure enough, we did find the cactus that dad had suspected might be surviving in that area: Cactus Unlike all others in the same family, the central thorns are pointing downward, not up. After dad happily took pictures for half an hour, we headed East again and went up Lee's Ferry road. Very dramatic scenery there. Some day I will camp there for a week. Next day we headed West past Marble Canyon, the Vermillion Cliffs, Jacob Lake and down through Kanab Forest. Beautiful, curvy mountain road! Then north to Bryce Canyon on fast freeways. Bryce Canyon is indescribably beautiful in the evening sun. After some hiking around, we headed North-East and reached Escalante before nightfall. Verda at the Prospector Inn remembered me from emailing a month earlier and everything was ready and better than expected. Because everything takes so much longer with Vista, we had a late start the next day and headed North to Torrey. Gorgeous red rock scenery all the way, and we found cacti up as high as 3000 meters (10,000 feet) altitude. Because of the longer than usual winter they didn't bloom yet, of course, but it was quite a success to simply find them. From Torrey we headed eastward. I missed the turn-off for Notam road and finally asked for directions in Hanksville. The guy I talked to knew of the route I wanted to go, and mentioned that it had been done once by a group with 4x4's. Supposedly nice scenery, but slow going, and that we better count on camping once or twice. Well, I wasn't prepared to camp, but willing to drive fast and late. We found the Notam road. Nice pavement for 10 miles, then the worst brain damaging washboard I had ever encountered. After a mile of that I decided that the proper vehicle for that road would be a large primary grader with really tall tires. So we turned around and backtracked through Torrey and over the mountains back to Escalante. By keeping the photo stops to a minimum and the speed to the maximum, we got back just before dark. OK, enough for today. More tomorrow.
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Thanks to Ross for this story: Judge Judy to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, Texas A bit too greedy! Thanks to Walter for this submission. May 1, 2008 - Fort Worth, Texas - AP Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off. Fuller, of suburban Crowley, was arrested on a forgery charge. He was released after posting $3,750 bail. Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check. In addition to the forgery count, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana. Officers reported finding less than two ounces of marijuana and a .25-caliber handgun and magazine in his pockets. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080502/ap_ ... 4K5y.s0NUE
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Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
Thanks to Seababy for this announcement: China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos. There were so many Wings and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY, people were always winging wong numbers. I felt you needed to know this. Seababy
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jackie Re: bad or missing NTOSKRNL.exe Dear Webby Good Afternoon/Evening/Morning I love receiving your Humor Letter and all the advice you give to others when they are having computer problems. I'm hoping you can help me now. I recommended Spybot to a co-worker because I feel it is a great program. I burned the download to CD for her and told her how to install it. She told me today that when she tried to re-start her computer, after it fixed the 120+ infected files and following the instructions to re-start, there was an error message and Windows XP wouldn't start. The error reads "windows could not start because the following file is missing or corrupt 'windows root system32 NTOSKRNL.exe'. I believe it is found under c:\windows\system32. HELP! She does not have the OS disk as Windows XP was already loaded when she got the computer. I feel really bad because I recommended she install Spybot. I told her I had a similar problem after I installed a windows update but I've had no problems with Spybot and wondered if it was something else that caused this problem. Do you have any suggestions as to how this happened and how to fix it? Many thanks! Jackie Dear Jackie Spybot has nothing to do with that, other than that the reboot after running Spybot, made an existing problem visible. All the information regarding that fairly common problem is here: http://www.computerhope.com/issues/ch000646.htm It lists the various causes for that problem, but Spybot is not mentioned at all. So, don't feel bad. Probably one of those 120+ infections had messed with important stuff, and possibly given control of the machine to a hacker. They have the solutions for each of the possible causes of that problem listed there on that page. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Katie for this classic: At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written... For 95 points: Which tire? _________

Deeli's Kudos May 1, 2008 - Dorr, Michigan - AP When an 11-year-old Boy Scout found someone's wallet with $800 inside, he understood what the person who lost it was going through. Only a few weeks before, he had lost his own wallet and the $45 it contained. J.R. Bouterse immediately told an adult about his discovery, which was turned over to a law-enforcement official and returned to its grateful owner. To reward the boy, the Michigan State Police threw a pizza party Monday night, not only for the law-abiding child but for all 30 Scouts in Troop 90. Another guest at the party, to J.R.'s surprise, was 20-year-old Jessica Cutler, the wallet's owner, who wanted to personally thank him for his act of honesty. "I'm just glad he found it and not someone else,'' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/4302008/b ... ns-odd.htm

The Priest and the Rabbi A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Batteries Fresh To prevent batteries from wearing down if a flashlight is accidentally nudged on while you're traveling, put the flashlight batteries in backwards or don't put them in the flashlight at all until needed. Visit ThriftyFun For More Better Living Tips By Clicking Here Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Roland for this: Washing Clothes Recipe imagine having a recipe for this ! ! ! Yyears ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe: this is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all. Washing Clothes build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. set tubs so smoke wont blow in eyes if wind is pert. shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water. sort things, make 3 piles 1 pile white, 1 pile colored, 1 pile work britches and rags to make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water. take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored... don't boil, just wrench and starch. take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch. hang old rags on fence. spread tea towels on grass. pore wrench water in flower bed. scrub porch with hot soapy water. turn tubs upside down. go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings. ================================== paste this over your washer and dryer. next time when you think things are bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. first thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet ---those two-holers used to get mighty cold! for you non-southerners -wrench means rinse. :)

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The perfect tomato
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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s Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is there software to play DVDs in a CD player ? 



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Good Morning,  !

Thursday,  May 1, 2008


The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. --- Albert Ellis The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. --- Arthur C. Clarke
Here is the promised report of of this year's desert run. You can see the pictures at http://dawna.com I took the $99 WestJet red-eye flight to Las Vegas and quite enjoyed seeing the sparkly island appear in the dark desert. If you have a choice, fly there at night! My dad arrived from Austria that evening and the next morning we headed South. First stop was Tommy's in Henderson, the only Tommy's hamburger shack outside of California. If you ar not familiar with Tommy's, they are verydelicious but with their scoop of chili as the second last layer, textremely sloppy. Bib definitely recommended! So we sat by the window near the drive-through and while we enjoyed ours, busted a gut laughing about the newbies who thought they cold eat a Tommy's burger in their car. Next stop was Hoover Dam to marvel at the construction of the new bridge. They are just starting the form work for the arch across the canyon. It is going to be awesome! Then, heading down towards Phoenix, Arizona, about 100 miles past Wikiup we took Highway 97 to Bagdad. Highway 97 is one of the worlds most delightful roller-coaster roads. Check out Bagdad with Google Earth. It has one of the largest copper mines in the word and the huge bluish and greenish mine tailings are awesome! We didn't go to the mine, though. A bit north of it is an area where we had found some extremely rare cacti that we wanted to take more pictures of. After that, we took Highay 96 to Prescott. Curvy at times, but fast and fun. From Prescott we headed northeast to Flagstaff, Tuba City and Kayenta. Kayenta is just before the highly overrated Monument Valley, and quite expensive. Next morning we headed north to Green River, Utah. Once past Monumnet Valley the scenery got exciting and quite colorful. Lots of stops for pictures! For Green River I had made the mistake of booking a room at the Ramada. Green River will be a drive-trough-without-stopping type town from now on. Back to Kayenta the next day, this time via Moab and Monticello. In Kayenta I realized that I had forgotten the charger for the laptop in Green River, Utah. When I called the Ramada hotel there, they were unhelpful and actively hostile enough, to put all Ramada hotels on my personal blacklist. I did manage to get the newsletters out and answer most of the emails before the battery expired. Nearest town with a chance of a computer for sale was Page, Arizona, so that's where we headed the next morning. OK, enough for today. More tomorrow.
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Thanks to Angela for bringing back this classic: My Mother taught me... 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
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Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Internal Revenue Service and Social Security Administration 55 Years later ... A case of government wheels moving slowly April 14, 2008 - Bellevue, Washington - UPI A Bellevue, Wash., man whose jet was shot down over Korea in 1953 says he still has trouble persuading the U.S. government he is alive. Edwin "Nick" Nixon, 79, who spent six months in North Korean prisoner of war camps after his plane was shot down during the war, said the Internal Revenue Service and Social Security Administration send him letters from time to time questioning whether he is still alive. "Now I've got the name and phone number of a woman at Social Security who fixes it," Nixon said. "I used to have to write letters and go to the local office to prove I was alive." Nixon was declared dead after his jet was shot down March 1, 1953, and his name remains on a list of those killed-in-action at the Garden of Remembrance in Seattle. The former pilot recently authored a book about his experiences, titled "Killed in Action -- Dead Wrong!" Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
Thanks toScorpio for this story: Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. They had just pounded a sign into the ground, that reads: "The end is near! Turn yourself around now! Before it's too late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window giving the finger and yelling, "Get lost you religious fruit cakes!" From the curve ahead there then followed the horrendous screeching of tires and the sickening thud of a vehicle landing in an abyss. Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: CD reader for DVDs Dear Webby Is there is software out there that will play DVD Movies on a CD Burner? Eddie Dear Eddie No, there isn't. CD is a different format, like a different spur line railroad. Just like rail cars from European rail lines, that are based on the width of two horses asses, don't fit onto American rails, which are based on the width of three asses' butts, CD and DVD don't match. There are some DVD's that have a short version in CD format on their back side. You can play the CD side in a CD player, and don't need any special software for that. Have FUN! DearWebby

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her...

Deeli's Kudos April 27, 2008 - Burlington, Iowa - WFTV A pooch in Burlington, Iowa, is taking care of nine kittens that lost their own mother. "She does everything momma cat would do," said Angie Beard, a worker at the Des Moines County Humane Society. "She's excellent." Lilly Lou, as shelter workers call her, is nursing nine kittens, he results of three litters that all lost their mothers. Beard initially gave Lilly two kittens, hoping she would take to them while the rest were bottle fed. Shelter workers were hopeful that Lilly would accept more kittens as their chances for survival being bottle fed weren't very high. Lilly, who recently had six puppies of her own and is expecting another litter, immediately took to her new charges, which Beard and other shelter workers have dubbed "pittens," or puppy kittens. "If one of them crawls out of bed, she'll follow it around the room, toss it up in the air and then take it back to the bed," Beard said. "She cleans them just like her own puppies; she feeds them just like her own puppies." The kittens are three and four weeks old now and will stay with Lilly until they are six weeks old.

Thank to Sandie for this story: The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone. So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing. Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?" "I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Thanks to Dave for this story: During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line. One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?" The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know." "Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mow in Different Directions Mow in a different direction each time you mow your lawn. This will help prevent wear patterns that can develop when grass is always pushed in the same direction. Mow at a right angle to the previous direction that you mowed. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Sping in Yosemite
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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