Dear Webby, is IE8 better than IE6? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 31, 2009


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen
Only yesterday in 1898 it was made illegal to package children up and send them by parcel-post. Seems the kids kept getting out of their boxes and messing with the mail.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it snaps off or comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
Thanks to Nita for this picture: Band Tailed Pigeons in our back yard all trying to eat at the same time. They come up here from Calif. every Spring & stay here 6 weeks to raise their young & then are gone till next year. Nita
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman hits guard with baby MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A Tennessee woman who allegedly borrowed a friend's baby to go shoplifting has been charged with abusing the boy by using him to assault a security guard. Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis is charged with both child abuse and assault, The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal reported. Police say Fields, who was holding the 2-month-old boy in a car seat, swung it at a Wal-Mart security guard last Wednesday. The boy's mother, Stacey Cleaves, 26, was outside the store during the incident, police said. She allegedly provided false information about Fields and is charged with false reporting and child neglect. Investigators say Fields took the baby into a bathroom and pretended to change his diaper, actually concealing stolen items. When she hit the guard with the car seat, it fell, landing with the baby face down. She picked it up and ran off, pushing it at the guard. The boy fell from the seat. Fields drove off, leaving the unconscious baby behind, police said. The baby was revived by an EMT and a passerby, and taken to a hospital. He was not seriously injured police said. Cleaves allegedly told police Fields was the boy's aunt and that her name was Darrin.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: IE8 Dear Webby, I am very happy with IE-6 ,what can you tell us about IE-8 ? I have IE-7 Blocked.Will this IE - 8 be any better than IE-6 ? Thanks Bob C Dear Bob Since you are happy with IE6, stick with it. If you want a better browser, use FireFox. It has become the mainstream browser and a lot of the more advanced sites insist on either FireFox or Opera. I have not heard anything good about IE8, that would cause me to waste time getting used to it's peculiarities. Have FUN! DearWebby
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and ran out swinging her rolling pin. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Place Rewards Coupons In Your Wallet When I get a Walgreen's Register Rewards coupon or an CVS store ECB coupon, etc. (ones that are usually high values) and I don't want to miss out on using before they expire, I put a brightly colored yard sale pricing dot on them and put them in my dollar bill slot in my wallet. When I open my wallet to pay for something, they're in plain view and easily spotted. So I don't miss out on taking advantage of them. By Terri from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Rose for this one: I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
The police in Tampa, Florida have been having a tough time enforcing the new anti-stripper laws because the lingerie studios and massage parlors along US 19, many of whom are fronts for private strip shows, will no longer undress for a customer unless the customer undresses first, and the police are not allowed to strip while on duty. The police have been unable to get any criminal cases going.
Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fuzzy pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 30, 2009



It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. --- Jerome K. Jerome
Thanks to Jai for this story: We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Thanks to Walter for this story: A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Thanks to Martin for this picture: Montana Hot tub
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ilnes Lorbach, 36, in Berlin, Germany Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ 252-lb hooker 'one woman demolition job' BERLIN (UPI) -- Numerous neighbors of a 252-pound prostitute in Berlin are asking a judge to put her out of business because of the shaking of her apartment. Tenants of the building where Ilnes Lorbach, 36, lives and legally entertains her prostitution clients, the sex worker's lovemaking causes their apartments to shake, the British tabloid The Sun reported Thursday. One neighbor told the court a pair of valuable Baccarat crystal glasses fell from a shelf and broke as a result of the shaking. Carolso Hoffmann, who lives next door to Lorbach, compared his living situation to "that film 'Earthquake.'" "I don't know if the earth moved for her clients but it did for us," he said. "When you have a 100-plus kilo women grappling like a wildebeest with her clients then you know about it, you really do. She's a one-woman demolition job." Lorbach told the court she is "a mother and as a working woman," attempts to be "as discreet as possible." The judge in the case reserved judgment for "a later date." Seems he wants to check this out personally. ------------ A traditional stone or concrete building might be more suitable for her than a flexible glass and steel highrise.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maureen Re: Fuzzy pictiures Dear Webby, Lately I noticed that most of my pictures are just a bit fuzzy, definitely not as clear as they used to be. Do digital cameras go bad after a few years? Maureen Dear Maureen All cameras get dirty lenses after a while. If you cleaned your glasses as rarely as you clean your camera lenses, you probably could not find your way to the outhouse. Cut an old, well washed t-shirt into handkerchief size pieces, blow the dust off the lens, then spray the lens with your favorite glass cleaner and gently wipe it clean with the cloth. If your camera has one of those tiny lennses, you can also use Q-tips. Just avoid paper, so that you don't scratch the coating on the lens. Have FUN! DearWebby
Stalin appears before Russian President Vladimir Putin in a dream, and asks what he can do to help. "What can I do?" Putin groans. "The economy is collapsing, the miners are on strike, the army is useless and nobody treats us with any respect." "Shoot the entire government and then paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin. "Why blue?" "I had a feeling you'd only want to discuss the second half."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Craigslist Bargains I do a lot of shopping on craigslist. I have found that I get the best bargains at the end of the month when many people are moving, and don't want to move something to their new home. If the item they are trying to sell is in the basement, they will often take less. My most recent find was a trundle bed with two mattresses for $10.00. By Liz from New Baden, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sign in a veterinarian's office: All unattended children will be given a free kitten.
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jill, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."
Thnks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Automatic backup to the web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 29, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!"


It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. --- Abraham Lincoln
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Here is a classic favorite: A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz, OK?" The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steel and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what do they really mean when they say 'NOTHING is bothering them', what are their true desires and needs? Basically... what makes them tick?!?" The genie stared at him for a while, and blinked a few times. Finally, after what seemed hours, he replied: "So, do you want two lanes on your bridge, or four?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of the burrowing owls across the street from her.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Polish National in Nottingham, England Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Dad tried to hire hooker for son, 14 A man who tried to hire a prostitute to fix his 14-year-old son's virginity as a present was spared jail by a British court on Friday. The Polish national took the boy out in his car and allowed him to pick out the prostitute, who was standing at the side of the road in the red-light district of Nottingham, central England. But the 42-year-old father was arrested, because the teenager had chosen an undercover police officer, Nottingham Crown Court heard. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was handed a 10-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, after he admitted a charge of trying to solicit a woman to have sex with a child, the Press Association reported. Prosecutor Adrian Harris said the man and his son had approached the undercover officer whose code name was Sarah and beckoned her over. 'Will she do?' He asked "Sarah" how much it would cost for her to have sex with his son and they agreed on a $30 fee. However, when the car pulled over, the man was arrested by plainclothes police officers. Judge Jonathan Teare said he would spare the father jail because of his excellent character and that he believed he did not mean any harm to his son.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Automatic backup to the net Dear Webby, I tried that Mozy automatic backup, but I got this message about "reticulating splines". That sounded kinda scary, so I shut it down. What does that mean? Ellen Dear Ellen Don't worry about that message. It's an old programmer's joke, and used when a formal explanation would just confuse you. You probably configured it to back up quite a few GigaBytes, and have a fragmented hard drive. So it is bouncing around like a spastic Yo-Yo, mapping all the fragments and making a schedule for doing the file transfers as fast as possible. Just let it do that. Eventually that message will change to a different one, and a while later you will get the progress message with the slider, where you can adjust between quicker backup and faster computer. THEN you can mess with it. If you want to watch a uTube movie, move the slider towards "Faster Computer". If you are just reading or writing, move it towards "Quicker Backup". Your first backup will take a long time. After that it only backs up what has changed, which won't be much, and will be quite unobtrusive in the background. It is best to start with a small backup of just the most important stuff, and gradually add more and more to it, until your entire machine is backed up. However, there is no point in backing up programs or Windows. Those need to be re-installed anyway, if you lose the drive or the machine. Those of you, who don't have Mozy yet, you can get it from http://webby.com/mozy You can back up 2 GigaByte totally free, or an unlimited amount for $4.95. If you ever lose a drive or a computer, you will kick yourself severely, if you have not taken advantage of at least the free 2 GigaByte backup. Have FUN! DearWebby
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Shade Trees to Conserve Energy I have a large shade tree on the south side of my property that keeps the summer sun off of my mobile home. This shade tree makes such a big difference that I rarely need air conditioning. It's a large cedar, but any fast growing tree will work. If you plant a tree that looses it's leaves in the fall, then you'll still get the benefit of winter sunshine to help heat your home! By Cyinda from Near Seattle Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra: TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is? JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra. TEACHER: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant. TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant? TEACHER: Very good, Jane. They come to the baboon cage. TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is? No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly. TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try? BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a politician.
Not long after their wedding, the newlyweds awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met again in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with the husband, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" he asked "Toast and juice." replied the bride.
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I copy uTube videos? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 28, 2009


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --- Dean Martin This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop. --- Alfred Hitchcock
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a university graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you had no skills," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write 500 times: ‘I drove through a red light even though I knew it is against the law.' ! Then, and only then, you can have a three minute potty break, before writing it another 500 times. "

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kira V in Russia Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers 25 May, 05:07 PM A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports. The 33-year-old victim, identified as Alik D. had lived with the woman whose name was reported as Kira V. for about two years, but when the girlfriend started suggesting that they should marry, the man refused and said that he would rather return to his first wife with whom he had a son. When Alik started moving out Kira suggested that they had a farewell dinner. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking Alik fell asleep. The girlfriend tied several firecrackers to Alik’s penis and exploded them. The man was rushed to intensive care and doctors are reported to be fighting for his life. Even if the man survives the girl will face about 12 years imprisonment. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: How do you copy uTube videos? Dear Webby, How are you and yours, I'm loving your dads pics specially the one yesterday. Not sure if you can tell me how to do what I want it's probably illegal but here goes. I would love to put the 'Strauss Spring' bonus link today on a DVD for my mother as she can't go outdoors anymore and would love it so much, I can imagine her lying in her bed at night watching it on her tv conducting away as she did. Thanks if you can help, "no worries" if you cant, and regards, Trish Dear Trish I googled for it and got: Copy uTube videos Take your pick, or try them all and tell me which one you liked best! I quickly tried the first one of that big selection of programs and services, and it worked fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Murphy like I do, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He climbed out of the vat three times to go to the men's room."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hang Shelves in Front of Your Windows If you need more space and have no place to hang shelves you can hang open-backed shelves in front of your windows. In the kitchen, this is a great place to store colored glass ware (like depression or cobalt glass) because the sun looks great shining through the glass. And in a craft room you can put clear plastic shoe boxes with your crafts inside. Just remember to never store fabric or things that can absorb moisture on a window shelf, but window shelves are a great place to store your pottery, dishes and glasses! By CDR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Fred said his dad bought his Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," he said, " My Dad persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment and considered the real priorities, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Bonus Link: Dante's Prayer
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Palisades collections scam 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 27, 2009


Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy. --- Joe Caruso:
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Finally, when he could take it any longer, he jumped up, and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, Harold, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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That reminds me, ... do you know the main difference between a violin and a viola ? A viola apparently burns longer.
Thanks to dad for this picture: Echinopsus, they really thrive on neglect.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ezederick Jones, 18, in Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Big eyed robber MEMPHIS, May 25 (UPI) -- Police in Memphis said the large eye holes in a robber's mask allowed a KFC manager to recognize him as a recently fired employee. KFC manager Laketa Hollowell said she unlocked the front door of the restaurant Saturday morning after hearing a knock at the back door and a masked man armed with a knife rushed into the business and demanded money from a safe, the Memphis Commercial Appeal reported Monday. Hollowell said she recognized the man as Ezederick Jones, 18, an employee who had been fired the previous day, because of the large eye holes in his mask. Her hand was cut during a struggle with the man and he fled after she addressed him by name, investigators said. The manager called police and Jones was found by officers and arrested within hours, investigators said. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Collection Scam Dear Webby, Somehow I have gotten on Palisades collection scam list & they have called my home every day for weeks now. How do I get these annoying calls stopped? Thank you for your Humor Newsletter it makes my day! Nita Dear Nita Personally, I would harass the heck out of them with all kinds of pranks, but in your case it probably would be best to report the idjits to the police. That's what you pay taxes for. What or who are they trying to collect for? Is it a person on the phone, or automated crap ? Have FUN! DearWebby
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Berries on a Baking Pan We are blessed to have a raspberry and blackberry patch. I love to freeze the berries and have them to use all winter long. I have found that the berries keep better and do not stick together in a big lump by first spraying a baking pan with cooking spray, then placing the berries in a single layer on the pan, and freezing until firm. Then I carefully scoop them off and put them in plastic freezer bags. This idea comes from years of trying other methods. By Goatlady from Vermont Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In a big city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
It takes a second to become infatuated with someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget some people.
Bonus Link: Mozart medley
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, can you trust .info, .tv and .us domains? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 26, 2009


When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. --- Arthur C. Clarke, Clarke's first law It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. --- Douglas Adams
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses. "Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??" My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Thanks to dad for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lukas Neuhardt, 27, in Saarbruecken, Germany. Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Would-be gangster shoots off own pecker A would-be gangster shot himself in the crotch when his gun went off in his pocket. Lukas Neuhardt, 27, had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany. He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crotch in a bungled robbery. But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact. "Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source. Now - after surgeons stitched his manhood back together - he's facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany's tough new anti gun laws. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: S. Oberon Re: Can you trust .info, .tv and .us domains? Dear Webby, Can you trust businesses on .info, .tv and .us domains, or would it be smarter to stick to .com and .net? Which ones should one definitely stay away from? Oberon Dear S. Oberon Just like there are rumors that there MIGHT be one or two legitimate businesses with AOL or Yahoo addresses, there possibly are a few legitimate businesses on domains like that. Temporarily. Usually they either fizzle, or they save enough money to buy a .com domain, before they fizzle. The ones to definitely be extremely careful with are: .ro (Romania) .is (Iceland) .ng (Nigeria) .am (Armenia) Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much and fell into the well. The husband was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and pulled out his wallet to check for more coins.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the gates there are two lines. One has a sign over it that States "I did everything my wife told me to." The second line has a sign that states, "I made my own decisions." Joe comes up and gets in the first line that wraps around and around and goes on for eternity. As he's standing there he notices the second line only had one man standing in it. He asks the guys in front of him, "Who does he think he is? Yeah right he made his own decisions. " After long thought and not coming up with any reason for why this man was standing in the line by himself he goes up to him asks why he is in that line. The man replies, "I don't really know. My wife told me to stand over here."
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.
Bonus Link: Strauss Spring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Resizing pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 25, 2009

If you are in the US, have a thoughtful Memorial Day!

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. --- Rita Rudner The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. --- Dante Gabriel Rossetti
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Here are some goraners, watch out: Psycho-ceramics .......... the study of crackpots. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Nun. How many surreal artists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.
Thanks to dad for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory D. Crosby, 44 of Kansas City, MO Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Drive-through bank robbery didn’t go so well A Kansas City man apparently was looking for convenience when he allegedly tried to rob a bank on Thursday. Authorities said the man pulled into the drive-in lane at a Capitol Federal Savings Bank branch in Topeka. He demanded money, but the teller refused to hand over a dime. The man drove off in a stolen car and was later arrested in a Wal-Mart parking lot, according to the U.S. Attorney’s office. Gregory D. Crosby, 44, was charged in federal court with attempted bank robbery, authorities said today. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 20 years in federal prison and a fine of up to $250,000. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: Resizing pictures Dear Webby, I know you wrote about this before, but at that time I was not interested and did not pay attention. Your pictures, especially at http://dawna.com, are a definite class better than most pictures on the web. What do you use and recommend for resizing pictures for use on web pages? Thanks Anton Dear Anton There are alot of resizing programs out on the web. They resize pictures a whole folder at a time, and most of them are free. I don't use any of them. I use a proper graphics program like PaintShopPro or Photoshop. That forces me to look at each picture. Some pictures might look a lot better if I just use part of them, for example cut off excess sky, or use just a portion of the picture. If the original is 2600 pixels wide and 2000 pixels high, I can, for example cut an 800 x 600 piece, that will appear like a huge zoom, but involves no stretching. It is still at the original high resolution! I also see that, for example, a picture is a bit more hazy than necessary, and will look crappy on the currently fashionable deep gloss yuppie monitors. So I might want to reduce the heat haze a bit by darkening the pictures 2 points and increase the contrast by 8 to 10 points. You can still see that it was a lazy, hazy summer day, but the people in the foreground are just a bit clearer and sharper. It takes only seconds to do that, fewer with a bit of practise, and it makes a nice difference. You miss the chance to do that, if you use a resizer program, that just rudely squishes all pictures in a folder. If you are just resizing a bunch of scans of invoices and quality is of no concern, try EvJO. It even lets you specify the image quality. You can crank that down so that the invoices are still just barely readable, and greatly reduce the file size. Keep in mind that compressing and reducing quality and file size of JPG or GIF images is not reversible. Keep an original stashed elsewhere while you experiment and find the maximum compression that you can get away with. Have FUN! DearWebby
3 year-old Kelli went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in, this practise case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on Kelli. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God will get you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Those Nursery Monitors I was going to get rid of the nursery monitor I had used for my grandchildren, but just hadn't gotten around to doing so. My mother-in-law had surgery and had to stay with us for a while when she got out of the hospital. Our bedroom is on the opposite of the house from our guestroom where she was staying. I was a bit concerned about her needing us during the night and not being able to hear her calls for assistance. Then I remember the nursery monitors I still had not gotten rid of. It is said that in our senior years we go into our second childhood. I pulled them out and used them to keep an open ear for my elderly mother-in-law. I slept comfortable and so did she. Now THAT is re-cycling! By Sandy from Elon, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two writers of modern poetry who had been bitter rivals for years met on a busy street corner. "You know, since we last met, my audience has increased!" the first said. "Congratulations!" the second one said. "How did you do it? By marriage or by adoption? "
Wife: "I'm happy to see that the neighbors finally returned our lawn mower before they moved. They certainly had it long enough." Husband: "*Our* lawn mower? I just bought it at the garage sale they're having."
Bonus Link: Taps II
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Home or Network version of DisKeeper? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 24, 2009

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor. --- Neil Gaiman, Sandman
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand at the last moment, and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona truckstop, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and Bea celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Mesa. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and see how she is doing."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Katelyn Blaylock, 18 of Tampa, Florida Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Texting teen crashes into cop car TAMPA — Authorities say a high school student ditching class crashed into a police car while texting on her phone. Tampa police say 18-year-old Katelyn Blaylock was driving with two friends in her car Wednesday morning. She apparently didn't see a red light and ran into a police car that was stopped at the intersection. Blaylock and her front passenger sustained minor injuries. Blaylock was cited with careless driving. Police took the three teens back to school. Texting while driving is OK in Floriduh, as long as you don't ram police cars. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shani Re: Home or network Diskeeper Dear Webby, I am interested in the program, but when I looked at the site, I was not sure which one I should get. We have 2 laptops at home, and are networked together on our wireless modem. The home edition said not for networked computers. Does that mean us, or many computers in a business? thanks, Shani Dear Shani The network version lets you run DisKeeper on just one machine, taking care of all machines connected to the network. I use that in my office, instead of separate single machine versions on each machine. Whether you actually save money or not, would take some serious comparing, but I doubt it would make a big difference. The real reason for that is not for saving money, but to ensure that the drives on all machines ARE properly taken care of, and nobody can turn theirs off for faster downloading of big movies late at night, or for faster automatic Mozy back-ups to the web. So, if you want to be in control and make sure that things are done right and properly, get the network version. If you can count on your spouse to do it right, then get either two home versions or one network version, whichever package is cheaper these days. Depending on the specials, usually the network versions are just a bit cheaper than two single machine home versions. Have FUN! DearWebby
An obstetrician sometimes saw rather unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," he commented. With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Request Movies from the Library My family and I request movies online at our library. When they are in, they call me. I can keep them for a week for free. This saves time and money. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Printed sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handwritten sign nearby: Window frightened.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, what causes hard drives to crash? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 23, 2009

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. --- Jack Benny Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
If you get any mails about a SKYPE Alert, trash them. They are fake and lead to a malicious site in Romania. If you use MailWasher, it will be obvious enough, but if you don't, just remember that those Skype alerts in your email are totally fake. Skype NEVER tells you to click on a link. It tells you to log in normally and not via any link. DearWebby
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to you, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I spent a lot of time in the great outdoors."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Oh-oh! Reverend is out collecting again!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to William J. Reese, 58, of Newhall, Benton County, Iowa Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Fake policeman tries to arrest real policeman Tuesday, May 12, 2009 A county jailer used a police car to impersonate a cop but pulled over a real deputy and started an old-fashioned car chase. William J. Reese, 58, used a fully-marked police car to pull over vehicles on the local highway. Fortunately one of his targets was a real, but off-duty, police officer who knew he wasn't legitimate. As the real officer pulled away and headed home to call the police, Reece pursued him at high speed. He eventually confronted the officer, screaming and abusing him in front of schoolchildren. The whole incident was recorded on a camera in Reece's stolen police car. He is due to appear in court on charges of impersonating an officer and wil probably get the book thrown at him. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandi Re: Why do hard drives crash? Dear Webby, I’m curious – why does a disk that hasn’t been properly defragged crash? I know that it gets so slow you start to feel like you could have done whatever you were attempting manually quicker, but I didn’t know that it could cause crashing. I’ve had disks go, but I’ve always just blamed it on other things, like brownouts, bad spots on disk, etc. Speaking of which… what program do you recommend for checking for bad spots? I don’t have a good program for that – and I hate the windows version. It always seems that by the time windows recognizes a bad sector, something immovable is sitting on it. Thanks for all you do! I love your newsletter each day! Sandi Dear Sandi Windows allocates a certain amount of space and records for keeping track of where files are. So much, so good. That works fine if you never edit anything. However, when you do edit anything, whether it be a doc or a picture or music, it won't fit into the previous space. So part of it goes elsewhere. The same happens with downloads. Windows pours a download into the next hole, and what doesn't fit, into the next 999 holes, until the whole file is stashed somewhere. Tracking all that is rather tedious and takes time. That is the slowdown you notice. Where it gets nasty is when Windows runs out of the space that it allocated for the database that tracks all those file fragments. It does not automatically increase that space. In addition to that, it's database is set up to have a limit of a certain number of records. Again, there too, Windows does not automatically increase that number when needed. So you wind up with files parked not just in unmarked graves, but in unmarked countries. Since those graves are not recorded, Windows cheerfully parks new stuff in those places. Obviously, that leads to disaster, the inevitable hard drive crash, if you don't properly take care of the problem. Microsoft would prefer that you buy a new computer, which can handle their newest and klutziest Operating System, and that you buy a copy of that new OS. So they are not really interested in saving and keeping your drive, and their defrag is pretty well useless. The program, that DOES all that is needed, is DisKeeper. It analyzes your drives and writes a job report. In that it tells you, when it is time to expand the space or number of records used to track file allocation, and it has the tools built in to do that. Since that requires a reboot and doing all of that BEFORE Windows starts, it doesn't do it automatically (and scare hell out of you). It explains the process and warns you, that it will require a reboot, and that it will take some time to re-organize everything properly. However, that's not something that is needed often. Once you expand the space allocated for file maintenance, it should be good for 4-5 years. DisKeeper does the regular defragmentation, whenever the screen saver comes on, or at times you set, and it tells you in it's Job Report, when you need to do mor than just that.. Have FUN! DearWebby
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Two Shopping Lists to Save Money I think this is a money saver. Make 2 shopping lists. First a monthly list, in which items like; paper towels, TP, soap and other household items purchased, and a second weekly list for food items only. By Dawn from Henrico, VA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link: Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, How do you dispose of spiral lights? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 22, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show support for the troops!

People find life entirely too time-consuming. --- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. --- Howard Aiken
Thanks to Jai for this one: A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat." "Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie. "I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A young couple had a flat tire outside the fence of a mental institution. The wife was leery of the inmates wandering inside the compound, but there was a swift creek separating them and her husband said it was OK. He took off the four lug nuts and set them into the hubcap to keep them from rolling away. Well, when he rolled the spare tire along the car, he rolled it over the edge of the hubcap and the nuts went flying into the creek. He tried wrapping a coathanger around the lug bolts, but as soon as he lowered the car, the wheel popped off to the great amusement of the spectators behind the fence. After a few more similarly hilarious attempts, finally an inmate behind the fence told the young man to take one nut from each of the other tires and put them on the spare. It would be safe enough to get them to a service station a few miles away. "That's pretty smart for a guy in your place," the husband said. The inmate replied: "I may be carzy, but I'm not stupid."
Not all school buses are yellow.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shaun Rosario in Uniontown, PA Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Prisoner In Cuffs Escapes In Stolen Truck, Then Crashes When He Can't Steer UNIONTOWN, Pa. -- Authorities in Uniontown recaptured an inmate who fled police as a constable was paying for gas in North Belle Vernon on Thursday. Police said they were able to apprehend Shaun Rosario after he flipped a stolen truck along Ball Diamond Road in Georges Township because he was unable to maneuver a curve while handcuffed and shackled. Rosario was taken to Ruby Memorial Hospital in West Virginia for injuries he suffered in the crash. Police said a constable was taking Rosario from where he was arraigned in Carroll Township to the Washington County Prison when the escape happened. Police said the constable stopped at a gas station along Fayette Street in North Belle Vernon, and Rosario made his escape while he was paying for gas. Rosario was initially arrested and charged for loitering and prowling at night, prohibited offensive weapons, tampering with physical evidence, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Pictures.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Great Granny Vi Re: How do you dispose of spiral lights Dear Webby, Re: Spiral Lights Could you give the link for the government office to find out how to dispose of these light bulbs. I called our city hall and we have to take them to Simi Valley,Ca. I heard that all of AR. has to take theres to Fort Worth/Dallas area. Could that be true? Great Granny Vi Dear Vi Yes, they ARE toxic waste, and you get fined if you put them into your regular garbage. And no, I haven't got a clue what or where those offices are in the US. Most areas have some misguided fanatics, who go around distributing those silly Chinese made spiral lights for use on porches. Find out from the town hall, who they are in your area, or their mailing address. Then gently drop them in their mailbox. Have FUN! DearWebby
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Porcelain Sinks To clean kitchen and bathroom sinks, I mix half a wide mouthed mason jar of baking soda with a 1/4 cup of pickling salt (large grained). It works great, is very cheap and simply dissolves as you use it. No chemicals needed. I usually buy the baking soda in bulk or purchase several boxes when it's on sale. An old cotton tea towel dipped in the mixture makes it very easy to use. By Quiltmum from Ontario, Canada Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house." "Not in the House," her husband says. "In the Senate, yes, for sure, my dear, but not in the House."
Joe, John and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe. Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight. "John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing." "He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"
Bonus Link: Skunked
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Preparing a computer for summer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 21, 2009

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. --- Terry Pratchett
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.. Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh-t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
Maybe a bit too heavy?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marla Anderson, of Hamilton County, Wyoming Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Two women jailed over trying to steal an Obama photo by breaking in and using force. Marla Anderson wanted that Barack Obama picture, so much so that Wyoming police say she walked into a Grove Avenue home Friday to take it. She struggled with the owner, who called police for help. Anderson lost and ended up in the Hamilton County jail – without the photo. Officers arrested her getaway driver, 31-year-old Tamika Cornwell, of Colerain, about 10 hours after the crime. She’s accused of being an accomplice to the burglary, tampering with evidence and putting her child in danger. Her 3-year-old son was there when the women fought over the picture. Anderson, 24, of Wyoming, is facing the same charges. Both women are scheduled to appear in court Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marissa Re: Preparing computer for summer Dear Webby, You used to write about how to prepare a computer for summer about this time of the year. Isn't it about time again? Marissa Dear Marissa Yes, you are right. Heat is the enemy of computers. That is why they have so many fans in them. 1) Count how many cables are plugged into the computer. 2) Get that many different colors of nail polish or paint or tape. 3) Mark each cable and socket with a dot of color. 4) Unplug the cable salad and move the computer onto a table or bench or place where you can easily get at it from all sides. 5) Open the computer. Laptops require a Philips screwdriver for that, desktops usually just have a knob for that nowadays. 6) Do NOT use canned air! Aside from being a health hazard, it just blows dirt into harder to get at places. Use a vacuum cleaner. A small, battery operated car vacuum with furniture nozzle, like the pro's use, is nice, but ANY vacuum cleaner will work fine. Clean out all the dust bunnies and dust and dirt. 7) Look for fan shrouds. In almost all cases those can be removed without tools. Underneath you will see a fan and a heat sink. Clean those with a Q-Tip and your favorite glass cleaner, as if you were preparing them for surgery. Don't worry, those parts are not delicate or fragile. You can usually take the fan out easily for better cleaning, but clean the ribbed heat sink in place, where it is. 8) Put fans and shrouds back in place and button up the machine. 9) With desktop computers there is usually a riveted shut power supply box in a corner. It would be really easy to design them, so that you can snap the fan out for cleaning, but instead they are designed to die and require a replacement. You usually can reach in with a Q-Tip and clean the fan blades. If that requires bending and mutilating the chrome grill back there, go for it! 10) Put the computer back in it's place. If it is under the desk, try to put it onto some blocks, to make it more difficult for dust bunnies to get sucked into it by the fans. 11) Untangle the cable salad and plug the cables back in, one at a time, and snug up any slack by coiling or folding excess cable and securing it with a rubber band or tape. 12) Turn it on again and run all the utilities like CrapCleaner, Spyware-Search&Destroy, etc., and set your Mymemorizer to remind you to do the same next year about this time. That's all there is to it. If friends and relatives want you to do it for them, the standard fee for Summer-Prep is $50. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing With Tackle Boxes I use fishing tackle boxes from Walmart or Kmart to store craft supplies or sewing notions like threads, buttons, needles, beads, etc. I also use one box for kids art supplies like crayons, pencils, markers, erasers, etc. They have adjustable plastic dividers that can be fixed to the size of the item you need to store. I store my earrings and jewelery in one and makeup accessories in another. These boxes have handles to carry them around easily and also stack well for easy storage. By Rayma from Edison, NJ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda said: The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy and says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey" "How come?" asked his friend. "Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church with her." "What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, make love to their wife, and go to mass with her on Sunday ." "I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
Thanks to Cookie for this Bonus Link: Light
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Slow harddrive 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 20, 2009

No man ever listened himself out of a job. --- Calvin Coolidge There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family." --- Jerry Seinfeld
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from. Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included. "Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A southern woman was rushing to get ready for church. She ran frantically throughout her house, tore through her closet, threw her clothes over her head and ran out the door to her car. When she arrived at the church, she saw a man coming towards her. "Tell - me," she panted in her southern drawl, "is - m - ass out?" "Nope," the man replied, but yer hat's on crooked."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Bueno, 32, Salem, Oregon Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Fake Sheriff arrested SALEM, Ore. - Impersonating a sheriff's deputy is never a good idea, especially when there is a real one waiting on the other side of the door. The trouble for 32-year-old David Bueno started just after midnight on Sunday when a woman tried to get her partying neighbors to quiet down. Marsha Coleman said she was just trying to get some rest but her neighbors started banging on her door and harassing her. "My door was literally like shaking," she said. "They were kicking the door and pounding on it." Coleman then called 911 and said as she was inside talking to the deputy, her neighbor decided to continue pounding on the door and was yelling "this is the Marion County Sheriff." You can imagine his surprise when the real deputy opened the door to see what was going on. "He knew he was in trouble," said Coleman. Bueno was arrested on charges of criminal impersonation and was transported to the Marion County Jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Eileen Re: Slow hard drive Dear Webby, Lately my hard drive is getting slower and slower. Just opening a big folder with the Windows file explorer has that silly flashlight waving back and forth for minutes. What causes that, and how do I fix it? Eileen Dear Eileen That is a typical symptom of bad fragmentation. When you open a file to work on it, it won't fit into the place where it came from, so a fragment gets parked somewhere else. Soon each file has bits and pieces all over the place, and Windows has problems getting them all connected. The built in defrag usually does not work. Almost everybody finds it a big waste of time, just conning people into buying new hard drives, when all they need is a decent defrag program. There are many defrag programs available. Most are just a cute interface for the Windows defrag, plus a lot of hype. The one that DOES really work is Diskeeper You can set it to work automatically, whenever the screen saver comes on, or at preset times, for example when you are sleeping. It is truly amazing how much DisKeeper speeds up everything. I have used it for about 8 years now, and have not lost a hard drive since then. Before that, I used to lose about one per year. Yes, I know, you are not running your machine as hard as I run mine, but without a program like DisKeeper, it's not a question whether your hard drive will crash, but when. When it does, it is a very awful feeling. It hits you in the stomach, as if a spouse had suddenly died without any warning signs. Either prepare for that, or get a program like Diskeeper. Have FUN! DearWebby
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save With a Vacuum Sealer Five years ago, I brought a vacuum sealer on sale for $20. We have saved a lot by resealing snack packages and breaking down family packs of meat into smaller portions. Since 2006, we've experienced an economic downturn that forces us to shop out of the freezer. If we had to buy one now, we couldn't. I'm thankful we turned to frugal living while we had money. Drawlee Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "They repossessed the TV."
Bonus Link: Recussitation
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Laptop keyboard problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 19, 2009

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood. --- George Santayana
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jermaine Cooper, 36, in Fort Wayne, Indiana Police: Fleeing suspect sought burrito FORT WAYNE, Ind. (UPI) -- Authorities in Indiana said a suspect who led officers on a 90 mph chase through two counties told police he was trying to get a burrito before going to jail. Sgt. Mark Walters of the Fort Wayne Police Department's Vice and Narcotics Division said officers tried to pull over Jermaine Cooper, 36, at 11 a.m. Tuesday after he was recognized as a suspect wanted on multiple felony counts, The (Fort Wayne) Journal Gazette reported Wednesday. Walters said Cooper sped away through several city neighborhoods and at one point threw a .45-caliber Colt semiautomatic handgun out the window of his car. Cooper then drove onto U.S. 27 and sped out of the city at speeds reaching 90 mph and continued into Adams County, Walters said. The suspect ended the chase after 16 minutes at a Taco Bell restaurant in Decatur, Ind. Cooper, who was arrested in the parking lot before entering the eatery, told officers he was trying to get a burrito because he "knew he was going to jail for a while," Walters wrote in his report. Cooper was charged with resisting arrest by fleeing, possession of cocaine, possession of a controlled substance, possession of Ecstasy, possession of a firearm by a serious violent felon and four counts of dealing cocaine. He was being held without bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Laptop keyboard problems Dear Webby, Big Question... I know you are not a fan of laptop keyboards. BUT... my keys have been falling off. Most I can replace, but one will not stay on. What in the world happened? How can I stop it? Do you know how to keep the keys on? I have been very careful with my laptop, and have not damaged it at all. This is beyond belief for me. It is 3 years old. Sure hope you have an idea, I do not. Thanks for your help, Jai Dear Jai THAT is exactly why I am not a fan of laptop keyboards. Sure, you can buy uncomfortable laptop keyboard replacements for only 15 -100 times as much as what a comfortable, regular keyboard costs. With most laptop manufacturers the keyboards are the most replaced part, since very few people are smart enough to get regular keyboards. Personally, I think it is quite hilarious when people buy laptop replacement keyboards for $100 - $150. Some regular keyboards: Compact Keytronic : $1.50 http://snipurl.com/ibd85 Fellowes Internet Navigator Keyboard Low Profile Keyboard $3.12 http://snipurl.com/ibdcd HP (Hewlett-Packard) USB Multimedia Keyboard $3.99 http://snipurl.com/ibdkz Philips Compact Multi-media Keyboard $ 3.99 http://snipurl.com/ibdp9 all the way to Big Fancy Logitech Deluxe Access: $14 http://snipurl.com/ibdtc If space is a problem, you can get the roll-up Indestructible keyboard. It is so flexible, you can use it as a bra liner! Or use a few of them strung end to end for a really geeky belt! They are from $15 up, depending on where you buy them. http://snipurl.com/iap5x DearWebby
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Grocery Bags for Packing Material My daughter and I regularly post parcels. I found a very cheap way to pack breakables, all I do is wrap the article then pack all around it with plastic shopping bags. Very cheap to use and weighs hardly anything, therefore you are not wasting precious money on packing material, so you can afford to add in that extra little special something. By Tommydogsmum from Australia Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A well built waitress in a flimsy, low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?" The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on. "How did you know I'm a priest? he asked. The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. I go to the same psychiatrist!"
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache, - and no horns."
Bonus Link: Pranks
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: How to save all pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 18, 2009

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. --- Jewish Proverb A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. --- Henry Fielding
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling BBQ sauce on the steak saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish. -------- Yeah, I know it is an old joke and that Catholics can now eat meat on Fridays, just no oral sex. It's still a good joke, though.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting. After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods. When asked, the farmer said "Yes, sure, but would you do me a favor? The ol' bull in the corall there beside the house is on his last legs and I know he is sufferin', would you kindly put him down for me? I don' have the heart to." As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and said "..I'll teach that old coot for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old bull. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and another one, and one of the other hunters proclaim, "Yea, we'll show him... I got the cow and the calf, too!"
Thanks to my dad for this picture: He takes a cable car up some mountain, then hikes first walking trails then roads down into the valley. As long as he does that once or twice a week, he does not need any diabetes medicine, which would cost more per week than a regional season pass for a senior costs him. A region has about 50 different cable cars. Seems a fun way to save money. What is strange, though, is that he seems to be the only one in his region to do that.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Warren, Michigan Police taser stuffed toy cougar WARREN, Mich. -- Warren police responded to a 911 call about a cougar on the prowl. "It's huge; it's like a 150-pound cat," the caller told the operator. Approximately 10 officers arrived at Bates Park on 14 Mile Road east of Van Dyke and saw what looked like a big cat in an old cement drainpipe. "And I went back behind there and shined a light there -- and it's in there," said the caller. Warren police shot a Taser at the animal -- hitting what turned out to be a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said officials now believe the incident was a prank, but he said his department could not take any chances since it was near a playground.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yolanda Re: Save all pictures Dear Webby, My dingbat sister got her computer so messed up, that only a complete format will fix it. She WANTS to be organized, and puts everything into their own categories and folders, but then forgets she already has a dozen similar categories with slightly different spellings or abbreviations, and she also has a lot of duplicates. Is there a fast and easy way to dump all pictures into one huge folder, that I can drag onto a DVD? Thanks Yolanda Dear Yolanda Yes, just click START, SEARCH and tell it to look for all .jpg files. When that is done, hot CTRL A to select all, and drag them to the DVD. Then do the same with .gif and .png She probably also has a lot of PPS and PPT presentations, and a ton of little movies. Again, do exactly the same. You COULD drag the stuff into a new folder on the computer, but in that case use SHIFT drag, otherwise you make one more duplicate, and might not have room for it all. Have FUN! DearWebby
Linda went into the local bookstore and saw this big display with a sign saying "Newly Translated from the Original French: 37 Mating Positions." Noticing the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, she just had to buy one. Once safely at home, she opened it and found that she had just purchased a very expensive book about chess.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Satisfy Sweet Cravings With Dried Fruit Satisfy your sweet tooth with simple candied fruit available at your grocers. Or make your own in your oven or dehydrator. By Melody_yesterday from Otterville, MO Don't get too carried away, though! Keep in mind that a pound of dried apples or apricots is the equivalent of 10-12 pounds of fruit, when it expands again in your somach. Be especially careful with fruits like dried strawberries. If you want somebody away from the computer and parked in the outhouse for a day, give them a bag of dried strawberries to pick on while they are at the computer. Dried fruit should be a rationed treat, not for absentminded snacking. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?
Q: What is the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic? A: A psychotic thinks that 2 plus 2 makes 5. A neurotic KNOWS that 2 plus 2 makes 4 -- but that is just not good enough for her. (or him)
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: CSLR
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Dear Webby: Spiral Lights 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 17, 2009

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --- Stanislaw Lem If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it. --- Pierre Gallois
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A preacher was really hitting his stride one Sunday, delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher roared, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Brother Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" Quietly the man replied, "No, Reverend, I'm just standing for my wife's first husband."
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the rental car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
Sandie's new lawn mower Don't laugh, it's 2 cylinder, just like her Harley, but not nearly as noisy.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fabian Moore, 32, of Arthur, Tommy Wayne Garrett, 24, of Cookeville, and Samuel Partin, 30, of Cumberland Gap Bowl of chili used to fend off robbers in Claiborne County, Tennessee When two men broke into her home, Wanda Bray defended herself with what she had - a bowl of chili and some household objects. "The woman fought them off," said Capt. David Honeycutt of the Claiborne County Sheriff's Department, of the 58-year-old Bray. "She threw a bowl of homemade chili and got after them with a broom." Authorities arrested three men in connection with the home-invasion robbery, and two of them were also charged with a convenience store heist. Charged with the home invasion were Fabian Moore, 32, of Arthur, Tommy Wayne Garrett, 24, of Cookeville, and Samuel Partin, 30, of Cumberland Gap. Partin was the getaway driver in the home-invasion robbery, according to the sheriff's office. Moore and Garrett were also charged by Honeycutt with especially aggravated robbery for the Tiger Mart stick-up. During that incident, "a weapon was reportedly displayed and an unknown amount of cash was taken from the register," the press release states.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arthur Re: Spiral Lights Dear Webby, you mentioned that you carry those much hyped spiral lights when you travel. Are they any different in America than the ones we get here in Europe? I am certainly not impressed with the ones we have, but with China spending big money on our very easy to bribe officials, there is talk about the old-fashioned lightbulbs getting outlawed in a few years. What do YOU recommend? Arthur Dear Arthur The heavy plastic package, that those lights came in, made them ideal for traveling. However, I won't use them at home. Spiral lights made for North America don't seem to flicker quite as much as those you see in Europe, but it not a "feel good" type of light here either. They do save a bit of electricity and postpone the time, when we have to replace the polluting coal power plants with clean nuclear and wind power plants, so the sheep are all for them. They drive 2009 KIAs, but believe the new, yet to be built, nuclear power plants would be 1950's style and become unsafe in 40 years. Yeah, I know, not enough chlorine in the gene pool. For rough service, for example motion activated porch lights, the old fashioned bulbs outlast the spiral lights by a long shot. Worst are the free "Porch-Lighters" that the green hypsters bring around. They aren't really worth dragging the ladder out for. They only last a few months on my deck, then I have to stick the old bulbs in again. Indoors I use the 8 foot long industrial fluorescents with single pin at each end. They provide a smooth and pleasant light, and outlast any other indoor lights by 4-5 years. Have FUN! DearWebby
When Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 38-22-34. "Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night....

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Track Grocery Prices to Find Deals I saved grocery receipts for 1 month, then created a spread sheet with the prices of the items I buy frequently. I continue to add to it each time I shop. Now, when I see "a sale", I check to see if it really a good price or not. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked. "Well," explained the patient, "we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on," the friend said. He continued, "Well, at mid day the shadows and the lit parts of the jungle sometimes make it difficult to see every detail, so when I sneaked up to the snake lying across the jungle path, I pounced on it in a flying leap, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes." "So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked. The patient said slowly, "Did you ever goose a *tiger*?"
I have been asked for more church bulletin board Ooopses. Most of these I have printed before at various times, but here is a batch that you can take to church today: *Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford" *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. *Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. *The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board. *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. *Fifth Sinday is Lent. *Thank you dead friends. *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. *Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. *Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather. *Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working... *Volunteers are needed to spit up food. *Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess *We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mazes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Remote backup 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 16, 2009

I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside. --- Dr. Wayne Dyer Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. -- Scott Adams The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. --- B. F. Skinner
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A cute young secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. And she enjoyed showing off. One afternoon her boss motioned her into his office and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you might want to tone down the advertising during working hours."
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Samantha Jo Daniel, 18, in Marshalltown, Iowa Hooker ad in Elevator MAY 13--With Craigslist today announcing a crackdown on classified ads offering sex for money, prostitutes everywhere will have to come up with alternative ways to promote their services. However, the marketing scheme cooked up recently by one Iowa woman should not be copied. Samantha Jo Daniel, 18, was arrested last Friday after cops learned of a handwritten offer scrawled on an elevator wall in an apartment building in Marshalltown. The guerilla advertisement read, "Will Fuck for $," and included a phone number. Daniel was nabbed in an undercover sting operation and charged with a misdemeanor prostitution count, according to a police press release. She was booked into the Marshall County Jail. "In other cities, you hear about it in the personal ads and on Craigslist, but we just don't see much of that here," one police official remarked to the Times-Republican newspaper. Teary-eyed mugshot is at The Smoking Gun: http://snipurl.com/i4myw
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Remote Backup Dear Webby, You mentioned a remote backup service. With the flooding we expect after the abnormally long and cold winter, I am seriously considering using a remote backup service. What should I look for? BTW, I do have high speed Internet. Ellen Dear Ellen Any backup method is only as good as the ease and frequency of it's use. The best is Mozy. You can back up your most important 2 GB for free, or your whole computer for $4.95 Once you tell it what to back up, it does it automatically either at times you set, or when it detects that you have snuck away for a nap. A scheduled backup works fine too, even if you are working, and it has a slider where you can adjust between fastest backup and fastest computer. The trick is to start small, just the highest priority stuff, and gradually add more to it. It doesn't waste time on files that have not changed since the last backup. That way you can have for example 50 GB backed up, but today it just quickly uploads the few files you added today. If you told it to back up the entire C: drive on the initial first backup, it might take a week or two. So, start small and keep adding folders. Have FUN! DearWebby
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hard- ware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department and need assistance."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Mesh Onion Bag as a Scrubber I am a firm believer in saving money and recycling when it comes to cleaning products. Take a mesh onion bag from produce and place a round sponge, a rolled dish washing cloth or even a scouring pad inside. Then knot the top of bag leaving a small amount to hang up or cut off the extra if you prefer. I then use it while washing dishes. You can make a lot of extras for other areas of home as well (like the bathroom). By Lisa from Belle Vernon, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the pages of a Boston Pizza menu.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ahoy Mate
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Phish finder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 15, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

We are the people our parents warned us about. --- Jimmy Buffett
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
The company I once worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, the entire staff was to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the prize was printed and mailed out to 200 people who walked past the bulletin board every day.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: JesusitaFire in California
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kim Gonzales, 45,in Austin, Texas Sent in by Theresa Woman zapped another with cattle prod An Austin woman is accused of attacking another woman with an electric cattle prod while the two were fighting over a dog, according to an arrest affidavit. Police said in the affidavit that Kim Gonzales, 45, got into a fight with the owner of the dog who is also her roommate, Kim Martinez. On Tuesday, Gonzales was bitten by the dog, and threatened to kill it, the affidavit says. It also says that Gonzales grabbed an electric cattle prod and stunned Martinez with it in her abdomen. The two women continued to fight and Gonzales hit Martinez with a stick, and threatened her life with a 10” knife, the affidavit says. Gonzales was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault. She remained in the Travis County Jail with bail set at $75,000. As published online in the Austin Statesman, Austin, TX
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arturas Re: Patch for Outlook Dear Webby, And what exactly would this Outlook patch be called? I missed it in the all the options. Thanks, Arturas Dear Arturas PhishPhinder Patch to make Outlook show underlying URLs, just like professional grade email programs do. Caution: A bug in McAfee marks this program as a phishing program, probably because of it's name. I don't know if it is just for Outlook, or also forOutlook Depressed. Have FUN! DearWebby
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now," the wife said. Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said. "I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied. "I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the husband. A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cougar vs bear cub
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dear Webby: Mars Hoax 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 14, 2009

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. --- Doug Larson Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. --- Hesketh Pearson
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but if that car starts, you got a convert!"
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad" the boy said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: TexasHitch. Once the wife and her mother get into the back of the trailer, it should level out.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Meet Steven Gilmore,21 from Gainesville, Florida Hip-hop dope nabbed after botched robbery MAY 11--Meet Steven Gilmore. The wannabe rapper tried to rob a Florida convenience store Friday night and shot an employee in the head with a BB gun in a bid to establish "street cred" for his nascent hip-hop career. The 21-year-old Gilmore admitted his harebrained scheme after he was arrested Saturday night, according to Gainesville police. Gilmore, who also copped to a stickup of the Hungry Howie's restaurant, told police that he thought the robberies would provide him the kind of reputation he apparently believes is required in the rap world. According to a Gainesville Police Department report, Gilmore, wearing a bandanna over his face and carrying a BB gun, fled empty-handed from the Super Store convenience outlet after struggling with a store clerk over the weapon. During the encounter, the clerk, Dharmedra Patel, was shot in the temple and suffered a laceration and bleeding. The Hungry Howie's heist netted Gilmore about $900, records show, and he departed the crime scene on a moped driven by a 16-year-old accomplice. The aspiring rap performer's career is now on hold as he faces attempted armed robbery and aggravated assault charges. He is currently being held in the Alachua County Jail on the felony counts. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... cred1.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: SSS Re: Mars getting close Dear Webby, Mars is getting close. Enjoy the attached PPS File. SSS Dear SSS That was in 2003, and that PPS has been coming around ever since. By the way, for all those of us, who don't have a 75x or bigger star telescope, it was rather ho-hum. Mars looked exactly the same as on any clear night. Obviously it wasn't that memorable for you in 2003 either. Have FUN! DearWebby
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Choose The Frugal Tips That Fit Your Lifestyle I think some people get discouraged with frugal living because they don't realize that not all tips are right for them. Frugal for a stay-at-home mother of four will be different than frugal for a childless career woman, for example. You have to sift and choose what works best with your lifestyle and circumstances. By Susan from St Cloud, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I can't play fetch with my dog," Daniel said. "Why not?" "Because," he replied, "the dumb dog can't throw."
Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off out of Las Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force starts a full security check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off. The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says: "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and SHE DEMANDS to know where I was last night....."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pet Pix
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: inactivity log-out 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 13, 2009

"State officials warned that California could be broke by July. Which is great — most people thought we were already broke. That gives us a month to party!" --- Jay Leno
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned. "Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
If the CIA did that to an enemy, the pinkos would be screaming about torture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Nesha Kahn, 39,, New York Runaway cow sympathisers NEW YORK (UPI) -- Animal control officials in New York said a cow that escaped from a slaughterhouse and led police on a 10-block chase will not be returned for slaughter. Police said Molly, a cow believed to be less than a year old, escaped from the Musa Hala Inc. slaughterhouse at about 1 p.m. Wednesday and ran through the streets, the New York Post reported. Nesha Kahn, 39, said the cow was in her yard when police finally cornered the animal. "I think the cow was traumatized. I asked the officer and they said they chased him for about 10 blocks," she said. The cow was tranquilized and taken to the Center for Animal Care and Control, where officials said they hoped to find the bovine a permanent home at an animal sanctuary. -------------------- I probably would be traumatized too, if I had to face boneheads like that. No more hamburger for THOSE boneheads!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: V Re: Inactivity log-off Dear Webby, I have 2 questions for you. I did not clear out the newsletter so you could see what I am seeing. What have I done to have the news letter all stacked up on one side? The second involves my work computer. I have joined the ranks of a corporate computer. We were bought out by a company that has an IT dept. Gone are all the things I used to have on my computer that made it- well, personal. I know this is silly but no more weather unless I go to their website each and every time to find the radar. No more webshots(terrible for computers per the IT dept) no more screen savers of any sort. I get to look at microsoft blue. If I am away or idle 2mins or more; up come the log-in screens(2). I am about over it. Sooooooo. is there anyway around short idle periods, no screensavers ect. I am sure safety is why- but I loved seeing my webshots when I get back to my desk or off the phone. I hate signing in after 2 mins on two separate screens each time. Waste of my time. Thanks for the help and the humor letter V Dear V The messed up formatting on your AOL can be fixed, somehow. Just contact your AOL support and tell them. Your work situation is different. Those nasty meanies want you to work instead of having fun! And quite possibly they want to annoy you into leaving the company. Without knowing what they use to detect inactivity and knocking you off, about all you can do is open an email or word processor file, and park a large ball bearing ball on the UP arrow key on the keyboard. 1/2" diameter works fine. A cute polished stone works too. It just has to be heavy enough to hold the key down. Don't let them see you use that trick! You might find out just how much they want you to leave the company. Have FUN! DearWebby
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Clothes Pins for Chip Clips This tip is so easy, maybe everyone already does it. Don't worry about buying chip and bag clips, use clothes pins! I use clothes pins to seal any bag I need to, from pasta and rice to chips and such. Much cheaper, they don't take up much room, and so handy to use! By Kim from Crawford, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a proctologist."
Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you will see that I was right."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Art Noveau
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: What kind of camera? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 12, 2009

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. --- Oscar Wilde Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day. --- Bertrand Russell
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her "Big Neon Red".
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a streaker in Philadelphia Nude Man Steals, Wrecks Philly Police Car PHILADELPHIA - Police chased a naked man through the city's wet streets early Monday after he allegedly stripped off his bathrobe, bit an officer, then stole a police cruiser in an attempt to escape. The man was captured after he smashed the cruiser into several parked cars, abandoned the vehicle and tried to get away in his bare feet. The episode unfolded at around 1:30 a.m. when police were called to a block in North Philadelphia to investigate complaints about a person screaming in the street. Officers arriving on the scene said they found a man running about in his bathrobe. The officers gave chase. The man shed his robe, then allegedly bit a female officer on the arm, climbed into her patrol car and hit the gas. He drove only a few blocks before crashing, police said. Police did not immediately release the suspect's name. He faces charges including car theft and assault.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Dad's camera Dear Webby, My goodness but your father's cactus are beautiful! Do you know what camera he has that takes such good pictures. Thank you for brightening our day. Nita Dear Nita Dad uses a Nikon Coolpix, that was on sale at his grocery store a couple of years ago. It is small and light and has an automatic lens guard, which helps keeping greasy fingerprints off the lens. I am not 100% sure now, but I think it is an L11 or similar. It is a pretty good camera and takes great pictures, as long as you use lots of light and hold it very steady. Have FUN! DearWebby
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed. Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought her a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Why can't I have some variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought her two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!" Kathy was furious, "You Bozo, you scrambled the wrong egg!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spare Change Adds Up I have been saving my husband's and my spare change for years. This year I decided to document every "cash-in", to see exactly how much change we had at the end of the year. I have always used this money for a rainy-day fund, like when needed gas for the car, or an unexpected item from the grocery store. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Tom replied, "The same place you got your silly train!"
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the garden market," said the first man. "So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked. "Well when I got to the market, I asked the produce clerk, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "The produce clerk said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.' "
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New England
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to see the URL embedded in links 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 11, 2009

Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things. --- Russell Baker A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. --- Robert Heinlein
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon." The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your." Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...(-and after a stern look from the priest-) I mean OUR hedge needs to be trimmed." The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it. Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in an uproar of cleaning, and decorating. On the day the bishop arrived, while the priest was greeting the bishop in front of the church, the same nun came running down the front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found your watch!!" The priest, annoyed at the interruption, gave her another one of his "stern looks". "Why yes, Father, Sorry. I found it under OUR bed."

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jennifer Leigh Jones, 32, of Norfolk, Virginia Snatched herself to jail NORFOLK, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia woman got her purse and wallet back after a pursuit that involved riding on the hood of the thief's car for a quarter mile. Jeanette Balazsi had lots of help in the chase from two employees at a Norfolk Food Lion who pursued the purse snatcher across the parking lot to an unknown biker on a Harley, who followed the car after Balazsi jumped off the hood, The Virginian-Pilot reported. Jennifer Leigh Jones, 32, was arrested after she got involved in a crash, witnessed by the Harley rider, police said. She has been charged with eluding police, theft and child endangerment because she had a 1-year-old with her. Balazsi said her wallet was found in the car, and Jones threw her purse out the window, leading to its recovery. Balazsi said she was standing in front of Jones' car, trying to keep her from driving away when the other woman moved forward and she had to jump to the hood to save herself. She kept hanging on as Jones exited the parking lot and turned onto Military Highway.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arturas Re: URL of links How do I see the full link in the humour letter? I am not interested in fotosearch.com sites, for example, and there is no point in me opening the site and using their internet time and mine for no reason at all. Thanks. Dear Arturas To see where the link goes, make sure your status bar is enabled, then hover the mouse over the link. It will show in the status bar where it goes to. Have FUN! DearWebby
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using It All - Ointment I keep a baby at my home during the week and I get so frustrated when the tube of Aquaphor Healing Ointment is almost gone and I just can't get the last bit to squeeze out! Knowing good and well that there is plenty still in there and I am going to have to throw it out! So I decided to cut the tube about an inch or so (depending on the size of the tube) below the (squeeze) top. Then all I have to do is scoop a bit out with my finger. I put the top part with what is left into a small ziplock bag. I was amazed at just how much was left in there! It will work with any sort of squeeze tube. By Boo from West Columbia, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. As she turns there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day M'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, what is going to happen to your pants when you hear the price?"
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Running Water
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Link site not found 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 10, 2009
Happy Mothers Day!

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something. --- Wilson Mizner God invented mothers because He couldn't be everywhere at once. God invented guilt so that mothers could be everywhere at once.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!" Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know." "I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
Thanks to my dad for sending these pictures: Jusbertii. This one bloomed today.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Debbie Stallard, 47, in Torquay, England Woman wore heels to community service TORQUAY, England (UPI) -- A British woman sentenced to community service was sent back to court after she showed up for her punishment wearing four-inch heels. Debbie Stallard, 47, was sentenced to 80 hours of community service for damaging a vehicle and being too drunk to consent to a breath test, but she was sent away from the probation service's community payback workshop in Torquay, because officials said her shoes were a health and safety hazard, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. Stallard said she has a medical condition that prevents her from wearing flat shoes. "Since I was a little girl I have only been able to walk on the balls of my feet. Even my slippers have two and a half inch heels," she said. "The long and the short of it is that I can't wear flat shoes because of a medical condition I have had since I was a child." A Probation Service spokesman said Stallard refused an offer of protective footwear. "We had no option but to return the order to court for magistrates to re-sentence as they see fit," the spokesman said. The case was adjourned by judges pending medical reports. -------------------- High heeled work boots and grannie boots have been around for hundreds of years and are coming back into fashion.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wayne Re: Site not found CLICKING ON WOOD CARVINGS BRINGS AN ERROR MESSAGE. WAYNE Dear Wayne Seems to work fine for me. Maybe at the time you tried, too many Humor Letter subscribers stormed to the Bonus Link site at the same time, and overwhelmed that site. Try agin a bit later. Have FUN! DearWebby
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, " What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Online Services To Avoid Using Phone Minutes To save cell phone minutes, do as much online as you can. You can pay bills, contact companies, and email. By Bethany from SC Unless you are the type, who frequently runs out of gas on remote roads, I don't really see any need for a cell phone. When on the Internet at home or at a hotspot connection at a coffee shop or restaurant, you can use Skype and call any landline or cell phone anywhere in the world for about a penny a minute, or for free if the called person has Skype.. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two.
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wagon Wheels
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how good are refurbished computers? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 9, 2009


From Fred: Maybe if you would put this link in one of your Dear Webby pages, it would open some peoples eyes. Thanks--- Fred. Shameful way Britain treats it's heroes
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Asda store in Halifax in Yorkshire Woman needs proof of age to buy spoons HALIFAX, England (UPI) -- A British shopper says she was asked to show proof she was older than 18 when she bought teaspoons and other picnic equipment at a supermarket. The receipt for her purchase was posted on http://nannyknowsbest.blogspot.com, a Web site devoted to undermining what founder Ken Frost calls "the all-pervasive nanny state," The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday. The shopper said a clerk at the Asda store in Halifax in Yorkshire told her at least one killing had been committed with a teaspoon. The government recently banned knife purchases by teenagers after a spate of killings. But a lot of people on nannyknowsbest think teaspoons are going too far. "If the government (is) going to try to take away my constitutional rights this way, I'm going to carry the biggest caliber teaspoon I can find," one person posted on the Web site. "I will give up my teaspoon when they (pry) it from my cold, dead body." Peter McCarthy, manager of the Halifax Asda, said clerks are prompted by electronic cash registers to ask for proof of age, and a bar code error is the most likely explanation.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walla Re: Refurb Computers Dear Webby What's the story about "Refurb" computers you see advertised here and there? How reliable are they? Walla Dear Walla Refurbs from big companies are usually as good as new. They may be returned display models, returned shipping errors, and rarely, warranty returns. They are cleaned, tested, and packaged like the new ones. Quite often left over models from last season are sold off as refurbs. A refurb generally has a slightly shorter warranty, but they are just as good as a new one. Since the actual performance of a computer, or the lack of it, is determined more by the amount of utilities and programs bogging it down, than by the raw hardware, refurbs are usually a good deal. Have FUN! DearWebby
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Watch the Cash Register Screen When Checking Out When checking out items at the cashier's desk, always look at the screen to ensure that you pay the right price for the right number of things. There have been times that items are on sale, and they aren't reflected during check-out. Bring this to the attention of the cashier, at this time is much easier than coming back at a later time. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Yesterday was Bill's graduation. And as he walked across the stage, the Dean handed his diploma to him, nicely rolled up and tied with a ribbon. Once she handed it to him, he could finally tell that what he REALLY thought about her. So he leaned across her podium and looked her straight in the eye. "Hey you dingbat" he said. "You're so darn ugly,... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then he walked off the stage, and went home. Bill felt just as good as he had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, he unwrapped his diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
That reminds me... An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" hissed the guide with great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. In a terrified whisper the native replied: "Drums stop! Next come violin solo!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wood carvings
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Get rid of duplicates 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 8, 2009
Time to wear somethging red to show your support for the troops!

On my annual trip to the US in the second half of April I was 
saddened to see that good ol Dear Webby seemed to be the only 
one wearing something red on Fridays. Most people didn't even
seem to be aware of the fact, that the US is involved in two wars,
and that US soldiers are getting killed daily. "Yeah, we got troops
over there somewhere, and probably they are going to get kicked
out just like they got kicked out of Vietnam, but it's not really a war
like World War II."

It IS a war. The only difference is that, during WWII the people 
at home were behind the troops and supporting them in every 
way. Without the support of the people at home, it is going to
be another embarrassing defeat just like Vietnam.
Time to wake up!
DearWebby


The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know all about sex, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a decent lasagna."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Israel Ramirez, 20, Fresno, California California man arrested for stealing jail-issued shirt MAY 6--One day after his release from a county lockup, a Fresno, California man was arrested after police spotted him wearing a jail-issued t-shirt with the word "PRISONER" printed on its back after he commited a traffic infraction. When confronted by a cop, Israel Ramirez, 20, said that as he was being released last Wednesday from the Fresno County Jail, he put a Southpole shirt over the jail t-shirt and walked out with the hot threads. "Israel said that he knew the t-shirt belonged to the Fresno County Jail but wanted to take one home because it looked 'cool,'" according to a Fresno County Sheriff's Department Ramirez, who had previously been locked up on marijuana and child abuse charges, was jailed for possession of stolen property. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... hirt1.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: get rid of duplicates Hi Webby I have been enjoying your letter since 1998 and have collected quite a file of your tips you have given in the letter. Well I need help again I have Windows Media Player and in the music library I seem to end up with a great many duplicates. It is a real pain to go through and delete them one by one. Is there a way remove duplicates easier. As always thanks for your input. RON P Dear Ron I usually use SEARCH to find for example all wmv files. Next I sort the search results by name, and dump obvious duplicates. Then I sort them by size and dump the rest of the duplicates. There are programs available to do that for you, but personally, I don't trust them and prefer to do it manually. Have FUN! DearWebby
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com --- No short enough tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy." "Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when I got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Four dollars." She said, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, four dollars." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aluminum
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: DELL display problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 7, 2009


I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. --- Charles De Gaulle A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --- Robert Frost
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's rather distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, "Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Roxie and Billy and Sally and Max-the-dog and me and Dad are home all alone."
Thanks to Len from http://canadianlotterypool.com for this picture: Why-Mommy-won't-let-him-be-king.jpg
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Teresa Tambunting, 50, of Scarsdale, N.Y. Woman accused of stealing 500 lbs. of gold NEW YORK (UPI) -- An employee of a New York jeweler stole 513 pounds of gold from the firm over five years, taking one small piece at a time hidden in her purse, police allege. Authorities said Wednesday that Teresa Tambunting, 50, of Scarsdale, N.Y., a longtime employee of Jacmel Jewelry, brought a suitcase filled with 66 pounds of gold worth an estimated $868,000 back into the company's office after an investigation was launched in January, The New York Times reported. Authorities allegedly found another 447 pounds of stolen gold at the vault manager's home in February, the newspaper said. "With gold trading at nearly $900 an ounce, the defendant is accused of establishing a virtual mining operation in Long Island City which siphoned off millions of dollars' worth of the precious metal from her employer," District Attorney Richard A. Brown said in the statement. "It is alleged that this once-trusted employee carried out her long-term scheme by concealing jewelry and raw gold in the lining of her pocketbook." She was released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned in Queens Criminal Court Tuesday on charges of grand larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. She is expected to enter a plea May 19. Tambunting, who had worked at the store for 28 years, faces up to 25 years in prison if convicted.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Eddie Re: Display problems Hey Mr Webby; Is there a video adjustment on a "Dell Laptop 8000" that I could use to fix the video size on this laptop? The guy's video screen is approx 12" X 12" I have tried to go into "Display Properties/Advance/Settings and found out that the settings are at 640 X 480 and I cannot adjust this setting at all.... By the way.... he has windows 98' Could this be a driver problem as well with his windows? Eddie Dear Eddie Dell used to make a 14" Dell Inspiron 8000 Notebook in the last century, but I have never heard of a 12" x 12" Dell laptop. Better call the Dell 1-800 number. Have FUN! DearWebby
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "I doubt that!" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of prunes?" The clerk replies, "Sure, Canned or Dried?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Share Expensive Gardening Tools With Neighbors My friend, who lives in another town, says she and her neighbors all share their lawn and gardening tools. This way no one has to be out the purchase price of expensive items, like lawn mowers, garden tillers, leaf blowers, etc., unless they just want to be. Clever idea! By Terri H. from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman, a military dependant, came into the dental clinic with a problem tooth. She had several children and appeared to be quite ready to give birth to another one at almost any moment. It was necessary to use X-rays to locate the source of her problem, so she was conducted to the dental unit with an X-ray machine, and her husband followed. The X-ray technician was lining up the cone of the machine preparatory to making the first exposure, when he noticed that the young woman's husband was standing beyond her, but in a position where he would receive some radiation after it passed through her teeth. Being well trained, the technician stopped and asked the fellow to move to a safer position. "Sir, please step over there. Too much of this radiation will make you sterile." A broad smile appeared on the young woman's face, he eyes grew wide with excitement, and she clapped her hands while saying, "Joe, come here, hold my hand!"
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, are you the boss of the house?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added, "Did Mommy tell you that you can play boss tonight, Daddy?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Virtual Tours
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fixing errors 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 6, 2009


If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. --- Dr. Wayne Dyer
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled and screamed, it was called witchcraft; today, it is called golf.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to James Kettle, 21 in in Warwickshire, England Worst job application ever? A student applied for a job at a Welsh tourist attraction using the email address 'atleastimnotwelsh'. James Kettle, 21, also sent his job request to the wrong address, reports The Sun. The horticulture undergraduate sent it to Aberglasney Gardens, Carmarthenshire, instead of the National Botanic Garden of Wales. A manager at Aberglasney replied: "It may be prudent to change your email address. It could have a detrimental effect on any career aspirations of working in Wales." James, a student at Pershore Agricultural College in Warwickshire, said: "I feel a right fool. "I set up the email at school because several Welsh kids were in my year. I forgot it was with my application and didn't mean to be offensive."
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Shonda Re: Errors Dear Webby. I love the pictures you took on your trip. Love your Father's flowers. I wish I could grow the flowers he has. I need to clean up my computer, in fix some errors. But I want to do this for free. What can I use? Thank you Shonda Dear Shonda Without knowing what kind of errors are involved, I would suggest, that you flirt a local geek into doing it, in exchange for some washing and ironing, and maybe a cake or two. Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection. The hostess decided to quickly drive to the corner store to get some cans of tuna and fill the eaten portion with and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where you ran ran over it on the way back from the store."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shoe Polish Instead of Replacing Shoes My husband was going to buy another pair of $85 shoes because his were scuffed. Instead, I spent $4 on shoe polish and they look beautiful! Sounds like a no-brainer, but I'm guilty of replacing expensive shoes when shoe polish would have done the job. By Britt from Boston, MA Personally, I usually wear off-road type sneakers, because I don't want to be limited by my footwear, and as the CEO, I set the fashion. However, I remember from college and University, a good, hard, synthetic wax will protect the shoes from getting scuffed in the first place. Just make sure you get it onto the shoes before they get near any of the daily use shoe polishes. Those are greasy and prevent a really protective wax from adhering and penetrating properly. A hard car wax produces a long lasting shine and can be buffed up quickly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburgers costs $2. Use the hamburger." -Jeannie
Here is an oldie-goldie for finishing today's Humor Letter: For his wife's birthday party, George ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the maid served the cake that he discovered, that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Offbeat Hotels
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Stalling Movies 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 5, 2009


The purpose of life is to fight maturity. --- Dick Werthimer My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. --- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.,
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no sign of the dove. The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters: "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Thanks to Ross for these picures:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a loose canon in Northport, Alabama Man says he shot himself in his sleep NORTHPORT, Ala. (UPI) -- An Alabama man with a bullet wound in his shoulder told police he shot himself by accident while sleeping with a 40-caliber handgun. Capt. Lloyd Baker of the Tuscaloosa Metro Homicide Unit told The Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News the man's life was not in danger. The man, 34, whose name was not reported, lives in an apartment complex in Northport in northwestern Alabama. He said he was sleeping with the gun in his bed and must have accidentally pulled the trigger as he slept. At the time of this report it was not known yet if anybody else in the apartment complex was killed or injured in the incident.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Lisa Re: How to stop movies from stalling Dear Webby: I have a problem trying to watch video clips; mostly, from u tube. It keeps freezing up, no sound and it has white dots that keep going round in a small circle in center of screen. Can you give me an idea or ideas of the problem? Many thanks, Lisa Dear Lisa That is perfectly normal and what you expect with a slow connection. The movie is coming in slower than it plays, so it has to pause and wait for a bit more to drizzle in. If you are paying for high speed, contact your ISP and get them to give you the speed that you pay for. However, if you are on slow dial-up, then all you can do is pause the movie, wait for the faintly colored loading bar to complete, and THEN play it. Have FUN! DearWebby
A trailer park in Semmes, Alabama was broken into on May 3. The thieves stole a computer and jewelry from one trailer, TV and stereo from another, and even got away with radios and CD players out of cars. When the cops asked the manager of the park if he was broken into too, he said: "Yeah my office, and they pried my lock open with their drivers license, and left half of it in my door..."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Meet Family in the Middle Yesterday was a fine day. My kids drove south for 20 minutes and we drove north for 20 minutes. We all met at a car show. Perfect weather to wander around and look at over 1000 various cars. Meeting at a place like that saved us all driving time and gas money. I was thrilled to spend the day with my husband and kids. I will have find more free events in the same area for future outings. Rural Angel from Kent County, Delaware Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all the devil's fault; she's not that easy to get along with either on some days."
One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Optical Illusions
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Laptop table 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 4, 2009


This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. --- Will Rogers
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers, celery stalks, .... and a box of chocolate cookies. The man noticed his wife's hostile glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!" "Really? And just why is that?" she asked icily. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he grinned.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Marcy walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says Marcy. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Beth Gannon, Lawrence, Massachusetts Principal hawks steamy romance novel at school LAWRENCE, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts principal has been placed on indefinite leave for peddling her romance novel on school grounds, officials say. Beth Gannon was removed from her job at the Henry K. Oliver School in Lawrence after the teachers' union filed a complaint, The Boston Globe reported Wednesday. Her novel, entitled "Crazy Fortunes," tells the story of an engaged woman who returns to Boston for a wedding and reunites with a former lover. The newspaper says the book contains detailed sex scenes that critics have called highly inappropriate. In placing Gannon on indefinite leave, school committee members said she acted unethically and irresponsibly in promoting her writing during the workday and bringing a steamy, at times sexually explicit, book near the children. School Superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy says Gannon will remain on leave while he reviews the union's accusations.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Laptop Table Dear Webby First, I am a frequent traveler, and I agree 100% with your sentiments about US hotels. Their furniture seems to be bought unseen, by unimaginative accountants, by price only. When I don't have to fly, I carry a TableMate portable tray in the car. It folds up to about the size of a brief case. I admit, it's a bit shaky, and fast typing can really get it rocking. I usually put a jacket between my lap and it, to dampen the rocking and steady it. There is not enough room for a mouse, but a trackball fits nicely. Yes, there definitely is room for improvement, but for $25, what do you expect? Erin Dear Erin I have seen those TableMates, and they look great from the distance, but are too shaky for my taste up close. They also take up a lot more space than a sheet of Plexi-Glass, with rounded corners, cut to fit into the cover of my wheeled carry-all. I have not come across any hotel or motel yet, that didn't have a dresser or night stand with a drawer, that I could open an inch or two and jam the Plexi-Glass in. Have FUN! DearWebby
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming". Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. ..it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pets in Hot Cars The inside of a car can reach as high as 120 degrees F within 20 minutes when the temperature is 85 degrees F outside and the windows are closed. It's best to never leave a pet in the car during hot weather. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The average income of a teenager is about 2 a.m.
Bob and Katie were having a discussion about family finances. Finally Bob exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" Katie replied, "If it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here either."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rock works
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Dear Webby: Traveling telecommuter 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 3, 2009


There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher. --- Victor Hugo Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. --- Alexandre Dumas
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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When was little, was attending a first wedding. Afterwards, when asked if had understood it all, replied: "Yes, it's simple. The woman in the fancy white dress upgraded her man." I asked to explain that and this was the answer: "Well, she went down the aisle with an old man and came back with a new version."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leigh Markham, 19, of Beloit, Wisconsin Police: Teen burgled cars for lawyer money JANESVILLE, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Wisconsin say a teenager burglarized cars to get money to help pay for a lawyer. Investigators said Jason Leigh Markham, 19, of Beloit was arrested about 4:30 a.m. April 16 after a Janesville homeowner discovered the suspect inside his car, which had been parked inside the home's garage, the Beloit Daily News reported. Officers said Markham -- who was in possession of gloves, a flashlight, a global positioning system, nine CDs and seven video games at the time of his arrest -- told police he and a friend had been burglarizing cars on the street. Markham was arrested and charged with burglary, possession of burglar tools and bail jumping. "Markham indicated that he was in serious legal trouble and was trying to get money to help pay for a lawyer," the criminal complaint filed in the case stated. Police said the suspect faces charges of disorderly conduct, theft of movable property and a drug charge from previous arrests
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anita Re: US Travel Dear Webby We plan to travel around the US this summer, and telecommute to work in Europe at night. What do we need to be able to do that, asid from laptop and mouse? Thanks Anita Dear Anita You need a plug adapter that has parallel straight blades on the male end ( | | ) and can handle a multiple outlet power cube from your country. That will take care of all your electronics. Hair dryers are often supplied by the hotels, and are cheap enough at bigger stores that it's not worth worrying about a transformer, that would cost more than a new hair dryer. If your laptop doesn't have a built in wireless network adapter, get one of those. Linksys is the least fussy, Belkin seems faster, but usually takes much longer to connect. Then you need a sheet of Plexiglass, 6mm or thicker, cut to just fit into the cover of your largest piece of luggage. American hotel interior architects and furniture specifiers are the dumbest and most incompetent morons you can imagine. Those idiots believe that the proper height for a laptop is at throat or chin level! If you have your sheet of Plexiglass along, you can jam it into a dresser drawer at the proper height, and have an instant work table. Don't try to save weight by selecting thin material! Otherwise it is too springy and really slows down your typing. If you use a standard keyboared at home or work, bring one along. Laptop keyboards are their weakest part, and travel dirt does not help them at all. The same goes for the mouse. Also bring a spare charger. If you forget yours at a hotel, you are in big trouble, if you don't have a spare. They are quite cheap, if you order them on-line, for example from http://www.comptick.com, but it takes time to receive one. That can really mess up your schedule. So, order one now, or if you visit friends first, ask them to order one for you. They can get it with free shipping, however, if they are in California, they will have to pay outrageous sales tax. Once you arrive, buy a decent lightbulb. Many hotels have dimwit management and lighting to match. I carry a 15 Watt and a 27 Watt spiral tube lightbulb. Decent lighting makes work a lot more pleasant. If your laptop doesn't have a built in chip reader for the camera chip, bring a chip reader. Transferring pictures from the camera via cable drains the camera battery very quickly. That is about all you will need. Have FUN! DearWebby
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United Airlines," Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, 'Don't leave home without it'?" Brenda easily answered correctly, "American Express." "Now, John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cutting Nylon Rope After cutting nylon rope, heat the edges with a lighter. It will keep the ends from fraying. For hemp rope, take a little duct or electrical tape and wrap around the end. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than a bit jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling pretty good now and she'd probably just follow us."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Natural California
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Bridge 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 2, 2009


No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself. --- Thomas Mann
Children have started growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your children are? In England they say "Its 11 o'clock, do you know where your wife is?" In France they say "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your husband is?" In Poland they say: "Its 11 o'clock do you know where you are?" In Irak they say: "Its 11 o'clock and we know where you are."
Yes, yesterday's picture was from the Hoover Dam Bridge, showing a close-up of one of the slip forms or form ships on the Arizona side of the canyon. I took this picture is from the Nevada side. Below is one I shot from the dam, showing the progress.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an arachnophobic in Portsmouth, England. Fire starts with spider chase PORTSMOUTH, England (UPI) -- British firefighters say a man set fire to the front of his house trying to kill a spider with a lighter. Firefighters said they arrived at the Portsmouth, England, home and found the man attempting to put out the flames with a garden hose, The Daily Telegraph reported. "The whole thing had clearly scared the life out of him," watch manager Steve Pearce said. "There was a gap in the cladding where he was trying to kill the spider and so the sparks got through to the material behind and started spreading upward toward the roof." Pearce said firefighters spent about two hours extinguishing the blaze. It is not known if the spider got away.
This guy found the neatest way to make his wife a more careful and defensive driver. He pointed out to her if she's ever in an accident, the paper will print her real age.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mary Re: Bridge Dear Webby Has to be the new bridge at Hoover Dam. I've never seen Hoover Dam, only pictures. And, can't begin to imagine that bridge over the dam! Mary Dear Mary You are absolutely right. Actually, the bridge is just past the dam, where the canyon is deeper, and it is over the top, not just down there where the dam is. Why don't you get together with a few people, split the rent on a car, and go look! It is surprisingly cheap if you can split the cost on the weekly rate at Dollar Car Rentals. The same goes for hotels. Motel 6 is around $30 -$40 in most places for two double beds. That's $10 per person! Do it now, instead of some day wishing you had. Have FUN! DearWebby
Obama's 5-step China Policy: 1. Downsize US military 2. Over-extend US military 3. Allow nuclear secrets to be given to China 4. Annoy China 5. Annoy the US military

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Mirrors With Flowers Get twice as many flowers for the same price. A small bunch of rosebuds cost me just $4 for six blooms. When the flowers were placed in a vase on the buffet, close to the mirror on the wall, it suddenly looked like there were a dozen roses. I imagine that thrifty brides could maximize money they spend on flowers with mirrors. By Holly from Holly, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. found it and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills." replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pick the airport
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Adjust view settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 1, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


Home again! It was a great trip, but it's good to be home again, sitting on a comfortable chair, at a decent desk, with a full size monitor. In case you didn't notice, for the last 15 days I was doing my work at a different hotel every night, usually sitting on the edge of a bed, because the incompetent bozos, who furnish hotels believe in high tables and low chairs. If you are interested in the route my dad and I travelled in daytime, click on Map The pictures, except for the last driving day, are up at http://dawna.com Right now I just finished transferring the mail from Eudora on the laptop to my desktop machine. Smooth and slick, same as every year. Just drag them across and continue working on the other keyboard. (And chuckle a bit about the stress puppies, who insist on using "easier" email programs) Well it's past 5 am, so I better get to work, so that you get your letter before sunrise. Have FUN! DearWebby
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed, "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor." "It's really quite simple." he mumbled to himself. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The teacher asked little Johnny, "Can you name four shooting stars?" Little Johnny said, "I sure can. Wyatt Earp, Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne."
Guess!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Juergen Richter, 55, BW, Germany Dimwit detective 'bungles bank raid' A detective was arrested for robbing a bank without a mask using his police issue pistol - and making his getaway in an unmarked patrol car. Camera footage of the raid led police straight to Juergen Richter, 55, who allegedly stole $15,000 from the bank in Baden-Wurttemberg, Germany. Police spokesman Norbert Schaetzle said: "He said he had severe financial problems and wanted to solve them quickly. "But there are other ways of dealing with financial problems and he, of all people, should have known that crime really does not pay." Richter faces charges of armed robbery.
asked dad where they came from. Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time for the facts of life. So, Dad told of how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, 's eyes got wider and wider. When Dad was finished, said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Chicago."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: CJW Re: Display Settings Dear Webby where do I go to change the display settings on my computer? Articles that I post to OEN are fine when I hit "preview," but when I hit "publish," they show up on the site with as many as three or four characters covered up by the right margin...HELP... Dear CJW I am not familiar with OEN, but I would not change the settings of a computer because of them. Try changing the font size in your browser by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the scroll wheel on your mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby
Rachel spends a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . she goes somewhere to get something and then wonders what she's here after.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paint Clean Up Don't mess around with cleaning brushes and paint tools inside your home. Take them directly outside, being careful not to drip inside the house, and clean them on your lawn with a hose. If your paint is not water based, you can still save yourself a mess by cleaning up outside or in your garage. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Bob told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain lazy old fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kings Firecrackers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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