Dear Webby: How to see the URL embedded in links 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 11, 2009

Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things. --- Russell Baker A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. --- Robert Heinlein
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon." The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as "our" not "your." Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your...(-and after a stern look from the priest-) I mean OUR hedge needs to be trimmed." The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it. Another few days passed, and the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in an uproar of cleaning, and decorating. On the day the bishop arrived, while the priest was greeting the bishop in front of the church, the same nun came running down the front stairs yelling, "Father, Father, I found your watch!!" The priest, annoyed at the interruption, gave her another one of his "stern looks". "Why yes, Father, Sorry. I found it under OUR bed."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jennifer Leigh Jones, 32, of Norfolk, Virginia Snatched herself to jail NORFOLK, Va. (UPI) -- A Virginia woman got her purse and wallet back after a pursuit that involved riding on the hood of the thief's car for a quarter mile. Jeanette Balazsi had lots of help in the chase from two employees at a Norfolk Food Lion who pursued the purse snatcher across the parking lot to an unknown biker on a Harley, who followed the car after Balazsi jumped off the hood, The Virginian-Pilot reported. Jennifer Leigh Jones, 32, was arrested after she got involved in a crash, witnessed by the Harley rider, police said. She has been charged with eluding police, theft and child endangerment because she had a 1-year-old with her. Balazsi said her wallet was found in the car, and Jones threw her purse out the window, leading to its recovery. Balazsi said she was standing in front of Jones' car, trying to keep her from driving away when the other woman moved forward and she had to jump to the hood to save herself. She kept hanging on as Jones exited the parking lot and turned onto Military Highway.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arturas Re: URL of links How do I see the full link in the humour letter? I am not interested in fotosearch.com sites, for example, and there is no point in me opening the site and using their internet time and mine for no reason at all. Thanks. Dear Arturas To see where the link goes, make sure your status bar is enabled, then hover the mouse over the link. It will show in the status bar where it goes to. Have FUN! DearWebby
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using It All - Ointment I keep a baby at my home during the week and I get so frustrated when the tube of Aquaphor Healing Ointment is almost gone and I just can't get the last bit to squeeze out! Knowing good and well that there is plenty still in there and I am going to have to throw it out! So I decided to cut the tube about an inch or so (depending on the size of the tube) below the (squeeze) top. Then all I have to do is scoop a bit out with my finger. I put the top part with what is left into a small ziplock bag. I was amazed at just how much was left in there! It will work with any sort of squeeze tube. By Boo from West Columbia, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. As she turns there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day M'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortable she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, what is going to happen to your pants when you hear the price?"
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard a few times times before smoothing out. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which of his three landings you liked best."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Running Water
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Link site not found 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 10, 2009
Happy Mothers Day!

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something. --- Wilson Mizner God invented mothers because He couldn't be everywhere at once. God invented guilt so that mothers could be everywhere at once.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!" Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know." "I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers."
Thanks to my dad for sending these pictures: Jusbertii. This one bloomed today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Debbie Stallard, 47, in Torquay, England Woman wore heels to community service TORQUAY, England (UPI) -- A British woman sentenced to community service was sent back to court after she showed up for her punishment wearing four-inch heels. Debbie Stallard, 47, was sentenced to 80 hours of community service for damaging a vehicle and being too drunk to consent to a breath test, but she was sent away from the probation service's community payback workshop in Torquay, because officials said her shoes were a health and safety hazard, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday. Stallard said she has a medical condition that prevents her from wearing flat shoes. "Since I was a little girl I have only been able to walk on the balls of my feet. Even my slippers have two and a half inch heels," she said. "The long and the short of it is that I can't wear flat shoes because of a medical condition I have had since I was a child." A Probation Service spokesman said Stallard refused an offer of protective footwear. "We had no option but to return the order to court for magistrates to re-sentence as they see fit," the spokesman said. The case was adjourned by judges pending medical reports. -------------------- High heeled work boots and grannie boots have been around for hundreds of years and are coming back into fashion.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wayne Re: Site not found CLICKING ON WOOD CARVINGS BRINGS AN ERROR MESSAGE. WAYNE Dear Wayne Seems to work fine for me. Maybe at the time you tried, too many Humor Letter subscribers stormed to the Bonus Link site at the same time, and overwhelmed that site. Try agin a bit later. Have FUN! DearWebby
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, " What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Online Services To Avoid Using Phone Minutes To save cell phone minutes, do as much online as you can. You can pay bills, contact companies, and email. By Bethany from SC Unless you are the type, who frequently runs out of gas on remote roads, I don't really see any need for a cell phone. When on the Internet at home or at a hotspot connection at a coffee shop or restaurant, you can use Skype and call any landline or cell phone anywhere in the world for about a penny a minute, or for free if the called person has Skype.. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two.
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wagon Wheels
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how good are refurbished computers? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 9, 2009


From Fred: Maybe if you would put this link in one of your Dear Webby pages, it would open some peoples eyes. Thanks--- Fred. Shameful way Britain treats it's heroes
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 185." Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Asda store in Halifax in Yorkshire Woman needs proof of age to buy spoons HALIFAX, England (UPI) -- A British shopper says she was asked to show proof she was older than 18 when she bought teaspoons and other picnic equipment at a supermarket. The receipt for her purchase was posted on http://nannyknowsbest.blogspot.com, a Web site devoted to undermining what founder Ken Frost calls "the all-pervasive nanny state," The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday. The shopper said a clerk at the Asda store in Halifax in Yorkshire told her at least one killing had been committed with a teaspoon. The government recently banned knife purchases by teenagers after a spate of killings. But a lot of people on nannyknowsbest think teaspoons are going too far. "If the government (is) going to try to take away my constitutional rights this way, I'm going to carry the biggest caliber teaspoon I can find," one person posted on the Web site. "I will give up my teaspoon when they (pry) it from my cold, dead body." Peter McCarthy, manager of the Halifax Asda, said clerks are prompted by electronic cash registers to ask for proof of age, and a bar code error is the most likely explanation.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walla Re: Refurb Computers Dear Webby What's the story about "Refurb" computers you see advertised here and there? How reliable are they? Walla Dear Walla Refurbs from big companies are usually as good as new. They may be returned display models, returned shipping errors, and rarely, warranty returns. They are cleaned, tested, and packaged like the new ones. Quite often left over models from last season are sold off as refurbs. A refurb generally has a slightly shorter warranty, but they are just as good as a new one. Since the actual performance of a computer, or the lack of it, is determined more by the amount of utilities and programs bogging it down, than by the raw hardware, refurbs are usually a good deal. Have FUN! DearWebby
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, and as he picked it up with his fork, he held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "To which end of the fork are you referring?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Watch the Cash Register Screen When Checking Out When checking out items at the cashier's desk, always look at the screen to ensure that you pay the right price for the right number of things. There have been times that items are on sale, and they aren't reflected during check-out. Bring this to the attention of the cashier, at this time is much easier than coming back at a later time. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Yesterday was Bill's graduation. And as he walked across the stage, the Dean handed his diploma to him, nicely rolled up and tied with a ribbon. Once she handed it to him, he could finally tell that what he REALLY thought about her. So he leaned across her podium and looked her straight in the eye. "Hey you dingbat" he said. "You're so darn ugly,... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!" And then he walked off the stage, and went home. Bill felt just as good as he had imagined it would for the last four years. Today, he unwrapped his diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world: "In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"
That reminds me... An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" hissed the guide with great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. In a terrified whisper the native replied: "Drums stop! Next come violin solo!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wood carvings
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Get rid of duplicates 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 8, 2009
Time to wear somethging red to show your support for the troops!

On my annual trip to the US in the second half of April I was 
saddened to see that good ol Dear Webby seemed to be the only 
one wearing something red on Fridays. Most people didn't even
seem to be aware of the fact, that the US is involved in two wars,
and that US soldiers are getting killed daily. "Yeah, we got troops
over there somewhere, and probably they are going to get kicked
out just like they got kicked out of Vietnam, but it's not really a war
like World War II."

It IS a war. The only difference is that, during WWII the people 
at home were behind the troops and supporting them in every 
way. Without the support of the people at home, it is going to
be another embarrassing defeat just like Vietnam.
Time to wake up!
DearWebby


The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know all about sex, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a decent lasagna."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Israel Ramirez, 20, Fresno, California California man arrested for stealing jail-issued shirt MAY 6--One day after his release from a county lockup, a Fresno, California man was arrested after police spotted him wearing a jail-issued t-shirt with the word "PRISONER" printed on its back after he commited a traffic infraction. When confronted by a cop, Israel Ramirez, 20, said that as he was being released last Wednesday from the Fresno County Jail, he put a Southpole shirt over the jail t-shirt and walked out with the hot threads. "Israel said that he knew the t-shirt belonged to the Fresno County Jail but wanted to take one home because it looked 'cool,'" according to a Fresno County Sheriff's Department Ramirez, who had previously been locked up on marijuana and child abuse charges, was jailed for possession of stolen property. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... hirt1.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: get rid of duplicates Hi Webby I have been enjoying your letter since 1998 and have collected quite a file of your tips you have given in the letter. Well I need help again I have Windows Media Player and in the music library I seem to end up with a great many duplicates. It is a real pain to go through and delete them one by one. Is there a way remove duplicates easier. As always thanks for your input. RON P Dear Ron I usually use SEARCH to find for example all wmv files. Next I sort the search results by name, and dump obvious duplicates. Then I sort them by size and dump the rest of the duplicates. There are programs available to do that for you, but personally, I don't trust them and prefer to do it manually. Have FUN! DearWebby
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com --- No short enough tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy." "Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when I got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Four dollars." She said, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, four dollars." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "OK, put the kids on a plane somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aluminum
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: DELL display problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 7, 2009


I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. --- Charles De Gaulle A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. --- Robert Frost
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's rather distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly, "Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Roxie and Billy and Sally and Max-the-dog and me and Dad are home all alone."
Thanks to Len from http://canadianlotterypool.com for this picture: Why-Mommy-won't-let-him-be-king.jpg
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Teresa Tambunting, 50, of Scarsdale, N.Y. Woman accused of stealing 500 lbs. of gold NEW YORK (UPI) -- An employee of a New York jeweler stole 513 pounds of gold from the firm over five years, taking one small piece at a time hidden in her purse, police allege. Authorities said Wednesday that Teresa Tambunting, 50, of Scarsdale, N.Y., a longtime employee of Jacmel Jewelry, brought a suitcase filled with 66 pounds of gold worth an estimated $868,000 back into the company's office after an investigation was launched in January, The New York Times reported. Authorities allegedly found another 447 pounds of stolen gold at the vault manager's home in February, the newspaper said. "With gold trading at nearly $900 an ounce, the defendant is accused of establishing a virtual mining operation in Long Island City which siphoned off millions of dollars' worth of the precious metal from her employer," District Attorney Richard A. Brown said in the statement. "It is alleged that this once-trusted employee carried out her long-term scheme by concealing jewelry and raw gold in the lining of her pocketbook." She was released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned in Queens Criminal Court Tuesday on charges of grand larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. She is expected to enter a plea May 19. Tambunting, who had worked at the store for 28 years, faces up to 25 years in prison if convicted.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Eddie Re: Display problems Hey Mr Webby; Is there a video adjustment on a "Dell Laptop 8000" that I could use to fix the video size on this laptop? The guy's video screen is approx 12" X 12" I have tried to go into "Display Properties/Advance/Settings and found out that the settings are at 640 X 480 and I cannot adjust this setting at all.... By the way.... he has windows 98' Could this be a driver problem as well with his windows? Eddie Dear Eddie Dell used to make a 14" Dell Inspiron 8000 Notebook in the last century, but I have never heard of a 12" x 12" Dell laptop. Better call the Dell 1-800 number. Have FUN! DearWebby
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "I doubt that!" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of prunes?" The clerk replies, "Sure, Canned or Dried?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Share Expensive Gardening Tools With Neighbors My friend, who lives in another town, says she and her neighbors all share their lawn and gardening tools. This way no one has to be out the purchase price of expensive items, like lawn mowers, garden tillers, leaf blowers, etc., unless they just want to be. Clever idea! By Terri H. from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman, a military dependant, came into the dental clinic with a problem tooth. She had several children and appeared to be quite ready to give birth to another one at almost any moment. It was necessary to use X-rays to locate the source of her problem, so she was conducted to the dental unit with an X-ray machine, and her husband followed. The X-ray technician was lining up the cone of the machine preparatory to making the first exposure, when he noticed that the young woman's husband was standing beyond her, but in a position where he would receive some radiation after it passed through her teeth. Being well trained, the technician stopped and asked the fellow to move to a safer position. "Sir, please step over there. Too much of this radiation will make you sterile." A broad smile appeared on the young woman's face, he eyes grew wide with excitement, and she clapped her hands while saying, "Joe, come here, hold my hand!"
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, " Daddy, are you the boss of the house?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added, "Did Mommy tell you that you can play boss tonight, Daddy?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Virtual Tours
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fixing errors 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 6, 2009


If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. --- Dr. Wayne Dyer
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled and screamed, it was called witchcraft; today, it is called golf.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to James Kettle, 21 in in Warwickshire, England Worst job application ever? A student applied for a job at a Welsh tourist attraction using the email address 'atleastimnotwelsh'. James Kettle, 21, also sent his job request to the wrong address, reports The Sun. The horticulture undergraduate sent it to Aberglasney Gardens, Carmarthenshire, instead of the National Botanic Garden of Wales. A manager at Aberglasney replied: "It may be prudent to change your email address. It could have a detrimental effect on any career aspirations of working in Wales." James, a student at Pershore Agricultural College in Warwickshire, said: "I feel a right fool. "I set up the email at school because several Welsh kids were in my year. I forgot it was with my application and didn't mean to be offensive."
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Shonda Re: Errors Dear Webby. I love the pictures you took on your trip. Love your Father's flowers. I wish I could grow the flowers he has. I need to clean up my computer, in fix some errors. But I want to do this for free. What can I use? Thank you Shonda Dear Shonda Without knowing what kind of errors are involved, I would suggest, that you flirt a local geek into doing it, in exchange for some washing and ironing, and maybe a cake or two. Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection. The hostess decided to quickly drive to the corner store to get some cans of tuna and fill the eaten portion with and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where you ran ran over it on the way back from the store."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shoe Polish Instead of Replacing Shoes My husband was going to buy another pair of $85 shoes because his were scuffed. Instead, I spent $4 on shoe polish and they look beautiful! Sounds like a no-brainer, but I'm guilty of replacing expensive shoes when shoe polish would have done the job. By Britt from Boston, MA Personally, I usually wear off-road type sneakers, because I don't want to be limited by my footwear, and as the CEO, I set the fashion. However, I remember from college and University, a good, hard, synthetic wax will protect the shoes from getting scuffed in the first place. Just make sure you get it onto the shoes before they get near any of the daily use shoe polishes. Those are greasy and prevent a really protective wax from adhering and penetrating properly. A hard car wax produces a long lasting shine and can be buffed up quickly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburgers costs $2. Use the hamburger." -Jeannie
Here is an oldie-goldie for finishing today's Humor Letter: For his wife's birthday party, George ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the maid served the cake that he discovered, that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Offbeat Hotels
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Dear Webby: Stalling Movies 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 5, 2009


The purpose of life is to fight maturity. --- Dick Werthimer My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. --- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.,
A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no sign of the dove. The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters: "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?"
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A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Thanks to Ross for these picures:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a loose canon in Northport, Alabama Man says he shot himself in his sleep NORTHPORT, Ala. (UPI) -- An Alabama man with a bullet wound in his shoulder told police he shot himself by accident while sleeping with a 40-caliber handgun. Capt. Lloyd Baker of the Tuscaloosa Metro Homicide Unit told The Tuscaloosa (Ala.) News the man's life was not in danger. The man, 34, whose name was not reported, lives in an apartment complex in Northport in northwestern Alabama. He said he was sleeping with the gun in his bed and must have accidentally pulled the trigger as he slept. At the time of this report it was not known yet if anybody else in the apartment complex was killed or injured in the incident.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Lisa Re: How to stop movies from stalling Dear Webby: I have a problem trying to watch video clips; mostly, from u tube. It keeps freezing up, no sound and it has white dots that keep going round in a small circle in center of screen. Can you give me an idea or ideas of the problem? Many thanks, Lisa Dear Lisa That is perfectly normal and what you expect with a slow connection. The movie is coming in slower than it plays, so it has to pause and wait for a bit more to drizzle in. If you are paying for high speed, contact your ISP and get them to give you the speed that you pay for. However, if you are on slow dial-up, then all you can do is pause the movie, wait for the faintly colored loading bar to complete, and THEN play it. Have FUN! DearWebby
A trailer park in Semmes, Alabama was broken into on May 3. The thieves stole a computer and jewelry from one trailer, TV and stereo from another, and even got away with radios and CD players out of cars. When the cops asked the manager of the park if he was broken into too, he said: "Yeah my office, and they pried my lock open with their drivers license, and left half of it in my door..."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Meet Family in the Middle Yesterday was a fine day. My kids drove south for 20 minutes and we drove north for 20 minutes. We all met at a car show. Perfect weather to wander around and look at over 1000 various cars. Meeting at a place like that saved us all driving time and gas money. I was thrilled to spend the day with my husband and kids. I will have find more free events in the same area for future outings. Rural Angel from Kent County, Delaware Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week." Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all the devil's fault; she's not that easy to get along with either on some days."
One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out minature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishoners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Optical Illusions
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Dear Webby: Laptop table 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 4, 2009


This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. --- Will Rogers
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers, celery stalks, .... and a box of chocolate cookies. The man noticed his wife's hostile glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!" "Really? And just why is that?" she asked icily. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he grinned.
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Marcy walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says Marcy. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Beth Gannon, Lawrence, Massachusetts Principal hawks steamy romance novel at school LAWRENCE, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts principal has been placed on indefinite leave for peddling her romance novel on school grounds, officials say. Beth Gannon was removed from her job at the Henry K. Oliver School in Lawrence after the teachers' union filed a complaint, The Boston Globe reported Wednesday. Her novel, entitled "Crazy Fortunes," tells the story of an engaged woman who returns to Boston for a wedding and reunites with a former lover. The newspaper says the book contains detailed sex scenes that critics have called highly inappropriate. In placing Gannon on indefinite leave, school committee members said she acted unethically and irresponsibly in promoting her writing during the workday and bringing a steamy, at times sexually explicit, book near the children. School Superintendent Wilfredo T. Laboy says Gannon will remain on leave while he reviews the union's accusations.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Laptop Table Dear Webby First, I am a frequent traveler, and I agree 100% with your sentiments about US hotels. Their furniture seems to be bought unseen, by unimaginative accountants, by price only. When I don't have to fly, I carry a TableMate portable tray in the car. It folds up to about the size of a brief case. I admit, it's a bit shaky, and fast typing can really get it rocking. I usually put a jacket between my lap and it, to dampen the rocking and steady it. There is not enough room for a mouse, but a trackball fits nicely. Yes, there definitely is room for improvement, but for $25, what do you expect? Erin Dear Erin I have seen those TableMates, and they look great from the distance, but are too shaky for my taste up close. They also take up a lot more space than a sheet of Plexi-Glass, with rounded corners, cut to fit into the cover of my wheeled carry-all. I have not come across any hotel or motel yet, that didn't have a dresser or night stand with a drawer, that I could open an inch or two and jam the Plexi-Glass in. Have FUN! DearWebby
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming". Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. ..it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pets in Hot Cars The inside of a car can reach as high as 120 degrees F within 20 minutes when the temperature is 85 degrees F outside and the windows are closed. It's best to never leave a pet in the car during hot weather. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The average income of a teenager is about 2 a.m.
Bob and Katie were having a discussion about family finances. Finally Bob exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" Katie replied, "If it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here either."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rock works
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Traveling telecommuter 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 3, 2009


There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher. --- Victor Hugo Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. --- Alexandre Dumas
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge." "Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."
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When was little, was attending a first wedding. Afterwards, when asked if had understood it all, replied: "Yes, it's simple. The woman in the fancy white dress upgraded her man." I asked to explain that and this was the answer: "Well, she went down the aisle with an old man and came back with a new version."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leigh Markham, 19, of Beloit, Wisconsin Police: Teen burgled cars for lawyer money JANESVILLE, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Wisconsin say a teenager burglarized cars to get money to help pay for a lawyer. Investigators said Jason Leigh Markham, 19, of Beloit was arrested about 4:30 a.m. April 16 after a Janesville homeowner discovered the suspect inside his car, which had been parked inside the home's garage, the Beloit Daily News reported. Officers said Markham -- who was in possession of gloves, a flashlight, a global positioning system, nine CDs and seven video games at the time of his arrest -- told police he and a friend had been burglarizing cars on the street. Markham was arrested and charged with burglary, possession of burglar tools and bail jumping. "Markham indicated that he was in serious legal trouble and was trying to get money to help pay for a lawyer," the criminal complaint filed in the case stated. Police said the suspect faces charges of disorderly conduct, theft of movable property and a drug charge from previous arrests
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anita Re: US Travel Dear Webby We plan to travel around the US this summer, and telecommute to work in Europe at night. What do we need to be able to do that, asid from laptop and mouse? Thanks Anita Dear Anita You need a plug adapter that has parallel straight blades on the male end ( | | ) and can handle a multiple outlet power cube from your country. That will take care of all your electronics. Hair dryers are often supplied by the hotels, and are cheap enough at bigger stores that it's not worth worrying about a transformer, that would cost more than a new hair dryer. If your laptop doesn't have a built in wireless network adapter, get one of those. Linksys is the least fussy, Belkin seems faster, but usually takes much longer to connect. Then you need a sheet of Plexiglass, 6mm or thicker, cut to just fit into the cover of your largest piece of luggage. American hotel interior architects and furniture specifiers are the dumbest and most incompetent morons you can imagine. Those idiots believe that the proper height for a laptop is at throat or chin level! If you have your sheet of Plexiglass along, you can jam it into a dresser drawer at the proper height, and have an instant work table. Don't try to save weight by selecting thin material! Otherwise it is too springy and really slows down your typing. If you use a standard keyboared at home or work, bring one along. Laptop keyboards are their weakest part, and travel dirt does not help them at all. The same goes for the mouse. Also bring a spare charger. If you forget yours at a hotel, you are in big trouble, if you don't have a spare. They are quite cheap, if you order them on-line, for example from http://www.comptick.com, but it takes time to receive one. That can really mess up your schedule. So, order one now, or if you visit friends first, ask them to order one for you. They can get it with free shipping, however, if they are in California, they will have to pay outrageous sales tax. Once you arrive, buy a decent lightbulb. Many hotels have dimwit management and lighting to match. I carry a 15 Watt and a 27 Watt spiral tube lightbulb. Decent lighting makes work a lot more pleasant. If your laptop doesn't have a built in chip reader for the camera chip, bring a chip reader. Transferring pictures from the camera via cable drains the camera battery very quickly. That is about all you will need. Have FUN! DearWebby
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United Airlines," Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, 'Don't leave home without it'?" Brenda easily answered correctly, "American Express." "Now, John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cutting Nylon Rope After cutting nylon rope, heat the edges with a lighter. It will keep the ends from fraying. For hemp rope, take a little duct or electrical tape and wrap around the end. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than a bit jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling pretty good now and she'd probably just follow us."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Natural California
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Dear Webby: Bridge 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 2, 2009


No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself. --- Thomas Mann
Children have started growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.
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In America the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your children are? In England they say "Its 11 o'clock, do you know where your wife is?" In France they say "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your husband is?" In Poland they say: "Its 11 o'clock do you know where you are?" In Irak they say: "Its 11 o'clock and we know where you are."
Yes, yesterday's picture was from the Hoover Dam Bridge, showing a close-up of one of the slip forms or form ships on the Arizona side of the canyon. I took this picture is from the Nevada side. Below is one I shot from the dam, showing the progress.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an arachnophobic in Portsmouth, England. Fire starts with spider chase PORTSMOUTH, England (UPI) -- British firefighters say a man set fire to the front of his house trying to kill a spider with a lighter. Firefighters said they arrived at the Portsmouth, England, home and found the man attempting to put out the flames with a garden hose, The Daily Telegraph reported. "The whole thing had clearly scared the life out of him," watch manager Steve Pearce said. "There was a gap in the cladding where he was trying to kill the spider and so the sparks got through to the material behind and started spreading upward toward the roof." Pearce said firefighters spent about two hours extinguishing the blaze. It is not known if the spider got away.
This guy found the neatest way to make his wife a more careful and defensive driver. He pointed out to her if she's ever in an accident, the paper will print her real age.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mary Re: Bridge Dear Webby Has to be the new bridge at Hoover Dam. I've never seen Hoover Dam, only pictures. And, can't begin to imagine that bridge over the dam! Mary Dear Mary You are absolutely right. Actually, the bridge is just past the dam, where the canyon is deeper, and it is over the top, not just down there where the dam is. Why don't you get together with a few people, split the rent on a car, and go look! It is surprisingly cheap if you can split the cost on the weekly rate at Dollar Car Rentals. The same goes for hotels. Motel 6 is around $30 -$40 in most places for two double beds. That's $10 per person! Do it now, instead of some day wishing you had. Have FUN! DearWebby
Obama's 5-step China Policy: 1. Downsize US military 2. Over-extend US military 3. Allow nuclear secrets to be given to China 4. Annoy China 5. Annoy the US military

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Mirrors With Flowers Get twice as many flowers for the same price. A small bunch of rosebuds cost me just $4 for six blooms. When the flowers were placed in a vase on the buffet, close to the mirror on the wall, it suddenly looked like there were a dozen roses. I imagine that thrifty brides could maximize money they spend on flowers with mirrors. By Holly from Holly, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. found it and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills." replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pick the airport
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Adjust view settings 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 1, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


Home again! It was a great trip, but it's good to be home again, sitting on a comfortable chair, at a decent desk, with a full size monitor. In case you didn't notice, for the last 15 days I was doing my work at a different hotel every night, usually sitting on the edge of a bed, because the incompetent bozos, who furnish hotels believe in high tables and low chairs. If you are interested in the route my dad and I travelled in daytime, click on Map The pictures, except for the last driving day, are up at http://dawna.com Right now I just finished transferring the mail from Eudora on the laptop to my desktop machine. Smooth and slick, same as every year. Just drag them across and continue working on the other keyboard. (And chuckle a bit about the stress puppies, who insist on using "easier" email programs) Well it's past 5 am, so I better get to work, so that you get your letter before sunrise. Have FUN! DearWebby
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally, he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed, "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor." "It's really quite simple." he mumbled to himself. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
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The teacher asked little Johnny, "Can you name four shooting stars?" Little Johnny said, "I sure can. Wyatt Earp, Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne."
Guess!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Juergen Richter, 55, BW, Germany Dimwit detective 'bungles bank raid' A detective was arrested for robbing a bank without a mask using his police issue pistol - and making his getaway in an unmarked patrol car. Camera footage of the raid led police straight to Juergen Richter, 55, who allegedly stole $15,000 from the bank in Baden-Wurttemberg, Germany. Police spokesman Norbert Schaetzle said: "He said he had severe financial problems and wanted to solve them quickly. "But there are other ways of dealing with financial problems and he, of all people, should have known that crime really does not pay." Richter faces charges of armed robbery.
asked dad where they came from. Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time for the facts of life. So, Dad told of how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, 's eyes got wider and wider. When Dad was finished, said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Chicago."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: CJW Re: Display Settings Dear Webby where do I go to change the display settings on my computer? Articles that I post to OEN are fine when I hit "preview," but when I hit "publish," they show up on the site with as many as three or four characters covered up by the right margin...HELP... Dear CJW I am not familiar with OEN, but I would not change the settings of a computer because of them. Try changing the font size in your browser by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the scroll wheel on your mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby
Rachel spends a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . she goes somewhere to get something and then wonders what she's here after.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Paint Clean Up Don't mess around with cleaning brushes and paint tools inside your home. Take them directly outside, being careful not to drip inside the house, and clean them on your lawn with a hose. If your paint is not water based, you can still save yourself a mess by cleaning up outside or in your garage. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Bob told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain lazy old fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kings Firecrackers
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Dear Webby: Printing just selected part 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 30, 2009


Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation. -- Kin Hubbard
'Global Crossing' company advertised that their "fast, secure, seamless global network" by touting that it "transmits data at speeds that practically break the sound barrier." This means that a data packet going from New York to London will take about 4 1/2 hours to be delivered. I am not impressed. Even AOL is faster than that !
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Thanks to Cookie for these daffinitions: BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who to blame for it. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all' not 'reply'.) See also CLM CLM - Career Limiting Move: Telling a racy joke about the boss to someone on the phone, without first checking to see if the boss is visiting the cubicle on the other side of the paper wall. BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am. BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crime watch. GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the distance, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!". MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got four buttocks SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
Buoflama in Bagdad, AZ
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stacey Anvarinia, 26 of Grand Forks, North Dakota Cops: Intoxicated North Dakota woman caught breast-feeding infant APRIL 28--Stacey Anvarinia, a North Dakota woman, 26, is facing a child neglect charge for allegedly breast-feeding while drunk, according to court records. Anvarinia, a Grand Forks resident, yesterday pleaded not guilty to the criminal count, which stemmed from a police visit to her home in February. While responding to a domestic disturbance call, Grand Forks Police Department officers watched as an "extremely intoxicated" Anvarinia "began breast feeding her infant in front of us," according to an incident report. Since alcohol can pass from mother to child via breast milk, Anvarinia was arrested for neglecting her six-week-old infant. The baby was transported to Altru Hospital for examination, while Anvarinia was booked into the county lockup. Mugshot and details are at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... dmom1.html
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Scotty RE: Print selection Dear Webby, HEY, Mr. Cool...how can I print some of the jokes I get off your letter with out having to print it all??? Scotty Dear Scotty Just highlight that joke, hit CTRL C to copy it, jump into a Notemaid or Wordprocessor or email CTRL V to paste it Then print that. With some printers you can simply highlight a portion, hit CTRL P, chose "Print Selection", and hit PRINT. Have FUN Dear Webby
Government organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around, some simply just idling. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but "a*******." (you can fill in the blank).

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com >Hollow Book for Hiding Items Buy a hardback book at a thrift store and transform it into a hollow book. Just use a utility knife to cut out a rectangular hole in the book pages. Use a straight edge to guide the knife. Use rubber cement to glue all the pages together and you have a great place to hide items on your bookshelf. Click Here For More Safety Tips Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Jeni to Debi, "I'll inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled Debi. "No, testicles..." said Jeni, "I've got him by the balls."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Iris
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Dear Webby: Fuzzy Zoom 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 29, 2009


"We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Every year when travelling I meet people who are on their way to or from visiting their parents. It never ceases to amaze me how much some people spend on retirement homes. These days the average seems to be around $300 a day, and very few of the parents are happy where they are. The rooms are small, they can't do this and can't do that, and the atmosphere is half way between jail and hospital, and the only Internet access is in the lobby and is always in use. Wake up folks! How much does it cost to stay at a nice hotel ? $40 - $100 If you ask them for an annual rate, they will knock that down 30% or more and roll out the red carpet. They will treat you like royalty! Wireless DSL from pool to park, fitness room, room service, laundry service, phone in the room, coffee machine in the room and no need to bribe nursing home staff for extra packets of coffee, and on and on. Many hotels have free limousine service, and in scenic areas they often have sight-seeing tours or are connected with tour companies that stop at the hotel. With the difference between $30 and $300 you can travel around and check out where you will stay the next year, if you want a change of scenery or climate. If you slip and fall down, instead of whining and sniveling at you, they make a bigger fuss than if the Queen had come for a visit. If you are planning your or a relative's retirement, take notes! DearWebby
Great progress at the new bridge at the Hoover Dam ! This is from today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the wife and mother-in-law of a former deputy in Polk County, Florida Sent in by Sandie Deputy quits after wife, mom-in-law take squad car LAKELAND, Fla. (Map, News) - A Polk County deputy has turned in his badge after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joyride. Officials said the 44-year-old deputy resigned Monday after serving 21 years with the sheriff's office. The arrest report said his wife and mother-in-law face charges of vehicle theft, theft of a firearm and impersonating a law-enforcement officer. His wife also faces charges of possession of a firearm of a convicted felon. A third person riding in the back seat also was arrested. Witnesses reporting seeing the patrol car driving erratically in Lakeland on Sunday morning. The deputy apparently didn't know the car was taken. http://cli.gs/DhJX7m
One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read: "My name is Daniel." -------------- That's not bad. In one hospital, that I was in, the nurse came by every hour and wrote the time and her initials onto the sole of my right foot to check my reflexes and record her check. It didn't take long before I took my tree of liquid lunches and moved to the roof garden.
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: From: Arthur Re: Fuzzy Zoom Dear Webby, My digital camera shoots perfectly sharp pictures close up, but when I use zoom then the farther away parts are awfully fuzzy some of the time, but quite clear at other times. Shouldn't the same lens be sharp in all settings at all times? Arthur Dear Arthur The lens is probably quite OK. Hold a long fishing rod and point it at something small. Does it jitter around a bit ? Multiply that by the distance to the scenery that you want to shoot. That multiplied jitter is what causes the fuzz. There are a few ways to fix or diminish that fuzz. For long distance shots, use a tripod or put the camera onto a small sand baggie. Use the fastest (shortest) exposure time that you can get away with. Open the apperture as wide as you can to the lowest f-stop number to force the time to be shorter. Don't worry about the picture being a bit darker if you use shorter exposure times. You can always lighten the picture once you have it on the computer. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Comments heard re the recent power failure: "When the food in our refrigerator began to spoil, my wife gave me a big kiss for stocking up on canned food in our basement," an California man said. "Then moments later, she gave me a big kick for buying an electric can opener." "I like to jog every morning," a New Jersey man said. "But without electricity, I can't use my treadmill. I don't know what to do. I asked my neighbors, but none of them owns a generator." "I can't call anyone," a woman griped. "What am I supposed to do while I drive?" "I don't mind not being able to use my microwave," one tearful woman said. "But do you have any idea what it's like to manage without a hair dryer?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Drilling In Wood When drilling a hole in wood with a hand drill, use a nail or awl to start a hole where you plan to drill. That will help get the drill started and prevent it from skidding on the wood and leaving unsightly marks. Make sure the wood is firmly secured using a vice or a clamp. For More Helpful Home Improvement Tips, Click Here Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Coolest Bottle Openers
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I make the degrees symbol 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  April 28, 2009


The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. --- Alvin Toffler Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. --- Plato Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids! --- Socratex
More Easy Latin: From Teresa Veni, Vidi, Vertigo -- I came, I saw, I fainted Veni, Vidi, Vortex -- I came, I saw, I went round & round Veni, Vidi, Verdant -- I came, I saw, I turned green From Jim Veni, Vidi, Webby I came; I read; I roared.
Eunice went to the dentist the other day. It was discovered that she had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, Eunice," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" Without hesitation Eunice replied, "Chocolate, please."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Bob and Bill fly to Alaska for a fishing trip. They hire a bush pilot and rent a boat, rods and tackle. After two weeks, they've caught only one small salmon. "Man, Bill," Bob says. "Do you realize this lousy fish cost us about $2,000 apiece?" "Wow," Bill replies. "At that rate, it's a good thing we only caught one."
The obligatory Grand Canyon picture, with my dad.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a woman in Basel, Switzerland 'Ill' woman sacked for using Facebook A Swiss woman has lost her job after her bosses noticed that she was using Facebook when she claimed to be too ill to use a computer. The woman had claimed that she was suffering a migraine and had told her employer, Nationale Suisse, she needed to lie in a darkened room, reports the BBC. The company said its discovery that she was using Facebook while supposedly too ill to work, destroyed its trust in her and prompted her sacking. But the unnamed woman, who is from Basel, said she had been accessing the internet on her iPhone while in bed. She said she did not believe the company's assertion that a colleague had inadvertently noticed her using Facebook, accusing it instead of spying on her. She said the company had created a fictitious Facebook persona which become "friends" with her, allowing the company to monitor her online activity.Her suspicions were raised when the "friend" suddenly disappeared after she was fired, the woman told 20 Minuten daily. But the company says it followed a simple logic: that those who are well enough to use Facebook with a migraine are well enough to work with a migraine.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art and the best I could find." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: Tech Support Pits:Degrees Symbol From Charlotte Dear Webby, I saw in a local paper a long time ago how to put up the symbol for degrees. I want to write up some recipe cards and would like to use that symbol. Thanks for your help. Charlotte Dear Charlotte Just hold down the ALT key and type 0176, then let go the ALT key. 77 ° For the copyright symbol, use ALT 0169, like this: © Charlotte Have FUN Dear Webby
The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. "Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Ice Cream Store ice cream inside your freezer rather than on the door where the temperature is more likely to fluctuate. Make sure the lid on your ice cream container is closed tightly, store inside of a plastic bag or wrap them with tin foil. Click Here For More Freezing Tips Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Despite his best sales pitch, a life insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cool Pix
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: new browser window 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 27, 2009


"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." --Oliver Herford "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." --Jack Handey
I parked my car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after me, "Excuse me, Sir, did you want that cart?" "No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing." As I walked into the store, I heard her mumble: "Typical male!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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If somebody is pestering you for your phone number, or if you want to detour a telemarketer, give them this number: 212-479-7990 It's the New York Rejection Line. For numbers in other states, check out http://www.rejectionline.com/copycat.html
Large version Jerome, Arizona, against the setting sun. Yeah, I know, it is difficult to take pictures against the sun. Next time I'll try to come by early in the morning. Jerome is an old Silver mining town from the 1800s, pasted onto the side of a mountain between Sedona and Prescott. The road over the pass is not for the faint of heart, but a real curve carver's delight. If at all possible, I always try to sneak it into the route.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nick Andes, 29, of Marietta, Pa., and Doug Klinger, 30, of Berks County, Pennsylvania 217,000 text messages in one month MARIETTA, Pa. (UPI) -- A pair of Pennsylvania men said they broke a world record by exchanging more than 217,000 text messages in a single month. Nick Andes, 29, of Marietta, Pa., and Doug Klinger, 30, of Berks County, said they texted each other nonstop from March 7 to April 6 to break the record of 182,000 text messages sent and received by India's Deepak Sharma in 2005, The (Lancaster, Pa.) Intelligencer-Journal reported Wednesday. "Right now, I'm pretty much done with texting," Andes said Tuesday. He said the record-setting feat nearly saddled him with a $26,000 bill from T-Mobile, despite his unlimited texting plan. He said the bill was waived but a spokeswoman for the company asked him to refrain from record attempts in the future. "She told me it was a violation of their misuse and abuse policy," Andes said. "She wanted to know my intentions and to assure her this was a one-time thing ... They weren't as enthusiastic about this as everybody else seems to be."
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; whle his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: From Janine RE: Fresh browser window Dear Webby, Normally I want my browser to re-use already open windows, so that it doesn't gobble up more memory than my computer has. But occasionally I DO want a link to go to a brand new window without losing the one that is open. Is there a way to do that without changing all the settings in MSIE? Thanks Janine Dear Janine Yes, sure there is. Hold down SHIFT while you click on that link. Have FUN Dear Webby
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep." The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ironing Tip: Ironing Delicate Fabrics Use some sort of a pressing cloth when ironing delicate fabrics and don't use high heat. Lightweight cotton towels work well as a pressing cloth. Just lay the pressing cloth on the item you wish to iron and it will help protect it from the heat. For More Laundry Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Easy Latin: Veni, Vidi, Vici -- I came, I saw, I conquered Veni, Vidi, Velcro -- I Came, I Saw, I Stuck Around Veni, Vidi, Visa -- I Came, I Saw, I went shopping Veni, Vidi, Volvo -- I Came, I Saw, I Drove Veni, Vidi, Venison -- I Came, I Saw, I ran over a deer Veni, Vidi, Vanish -- I Came, I Saw, I Disappeared Veni, Vidi, Fiji -- I Came, I Saw, I ran far away Veni, Vidi, Fuji -- I Came, I Saw, I took a picture Veni, Vidi, Vodka -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Veni, Vidi, Vomit -- I Came, I Saw, I Drank Too Much Veni, Vidi, Violin -- I Came, I Saw, I made a horrible screeching noise OK, YOU make up some more !
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tinsmith Museum
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Missing Child 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 26, 2009


If little else, the brain is an educational toy. --- Tom Robbins Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude toward us. — Earl Nightingale:
I met Fran and Jane at one of the benches for smokers outside Dallas/Fort Worth airport. They were quite obviously nervous about their flight and had bought some flight insurance at the terminal. They told me that they couldn't make up their minds about who to name as beneficiaries, so they had ended up each naming the other. I was quite amused when I saw them both get up at the same time to board the same plane.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Count the "F"s in the following text: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. The answer is near the end.
One of the grand monuments in Monument Valley faintly appearing during today's sand storm, like ghosts of tall sailing ships in the fog.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to City Council in North Norfolk, England Praying for a parking ticket Motorists are having to get down on their knees to collect tickets from Britain's lowest car park ticket machine. The 3ft machine dispenses pay-and-display tickets just 18 inches above the ground at the car park in Sheringham, Norfolk. Installed by North Norfolk Council, the machine is supposedly designed to be wheelchair user friendly, if installed properly, reports the Daily Telegraph. Dr Gerry, Bedford, a retired chemist, 62, questioned the device after seeing it when on holiday with his wife. "I thought it was a joke when I first saw it. The size of it is just ridiculous for anyone of average height," he said. "I am 6ft 5 ins tall and I had to get down on my knees to use it. I found the whole experience completely bizarre." Pat Harvey, chairman of the Norfolk Association for the Disabled, said: "This machine sounds so low that it could actually be unsafe for wheelchair users." North Norfolk Council spokesman Nick Manthorpe said: "We only had the choice of two plinths from the machines' manufacturer - a tall one, or one that was supposedly suitable for wheelchair users." ----------- DUH! The sidewalk model needs an 8" spacer if installed on the same level as where cars drive.
Subway Announcements: At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers OFF THE TRAIN FIRST! Oh go on then, get run over by Big Bertha, see if I care, I'm going home." ---------------- "I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits and pieces."
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: From: Randall Re: Missing Child Dear Webby: Amber alert please look at the picture, read what her father says, then forward his message on. .... Dear Randall Please check the Urban Legends (link on the left side) before forwarding old hoaxes. Penny Brown is not missing. Some gullible soul might see that picture and cause problems for some innocent girl, maybe even Penny Brown's grand daughter. There is NO Amber alert for any Penny Brown, and there never will be one, even if a real Penny Brown goes missing. The Penny Brown hoax was one of the earliest Internet hoaxes, and few people would take it seriously now. Some clown updated it a couple of years ago and added the Amber Alert line and sent it around AOL again. From there of course it spread all over the web again If you are interested in the REAL Amber Alert, go to http://codeamber.org/ http://codeamber.org/ Whenever you get a long mail with a request to forward it to everybody, it's a hoax. Just tell the sender that the answer is at Forward http://webby.com/humor/fert.html Have FUN! DearWebby
GROAN ALERT: Ben Kenobi and Luke Flyswatter are having a Chinese supper. Ben picks up the chopsticks and starts eating. Luke is having problems, there is food over his face, his clothes, and the table, but not much in his mouth. "What should I do?" he asks Ben. "Use the forks, Luke!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check the Weather When Traveling When traveling, make sure to check the weather in the city you are traveling from as well as the city you are traveling to and any connecting cities. It will give you an idea of whether or not you may have delays and what to expect when you get there. Click Here For More Travel Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Travel_1179.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

GROAN ALERT: Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I tink we will name him Sum-Ting Wong."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Australian Critters
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Quiz answer: 3: most common answer. 4: rarely found answer 5: You probably use DSL or Cable to get onto the net 6: You probably have a domain with your name or nickname. 6 is correct. Don't forget to count the thre "OF"s. Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How safe is on-line shopping? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 25, 2009


In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. --- Andre Maurois
Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her grew quickly. The man in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously, as Jill continued trying to get the car to started again. Finally, Jill got out of her car and approached the man in the car behind her. She smiled and said to him, "I can't seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and play hysterical honker for you."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the B fell off a few years ago. That reminds me of the way some people give directions. One time I was looking for the 'Outback' steak house in Nashville. This really friendly lady told me: "Stay on this heah road till yo get to where that construction trailer used to be, then you got to tern right there," (I already had learned that their 'tern right there' means turn left, they say 'go rite' when they mean turn to the right), "then stay on thaat fer six or seven blocks, but doun' count dead ends that don' go nowhere, then go rite till you get to where they're gonna build a Wallmart nex year maybe, ....", and so on. Well, I got so thoroughly lost, that I backtracked to the hotel, turned on my laptop and looked it up on mapquest.
In the Painted Desert near Holbrook, Arizona I drew in a straight line to show the curvature of the earth.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an overly concerned woman in Elmstein, Germany Laughing man prompts rescue bid Ananova: A helicopter rescue team was scrambled after screams were heard in a German forest - only to find a man laughing his head off at a new book. A woman dialled 999 after she thought she could hear someone being tortured at the woodland near Elmstein, western Germany. But 'victim' Roland Hofmann was astonished when armed police surrounded his car which he had driven into the forest and ordered him to give himself up and release his hostage. He told police he had gone to the forest to read "in peace and quiet". "We realise that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we're sure the caller meant well," said one officer.
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: From Sharon RE: Online Shopping Dear Webby How safe is it really to buy on-line? Some people say it's perfectly safe, others have all kinds of horror stories. What's the real scoop? Dear Sharon Usually the people with the wackiest horror stories don't even have a computer, but read and believe the National Enquirer. As long as you don't buy from a spammer, you are perfectly safe. A spammer, who already cheats and deceives you with a trick subject line, will continue in the same direction and will rip you off. If you find a site through a major search engine like Google or a recommendation from a friend, you are quite safe. Here are some rules to go by: If a site does not have a secure shopping cart or secure order form, watch out ! Never use your credit card when the padlock at the bottom of the browser is not closed. If you can't pay by credit card or by PayPal, go somewhere else, where you can. If the "business" uses an AOL address, forget them. There may be a tiny percentage of legitimate businesses among all the crooks that use AOL addresses, but that percentage is too small to gamble on it. The same applies to cs, ho'mail and yahoo addresses. Any crook can get one of those disposable addresses, and dump it as soon as they have your money. Legitimate businesses have email addresses based on their business domain. Please note that this applies to USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and Japan only. In Europe and the Mid-East trust only air lines, rail lines, and hotels that belong to respectable chains. Any other business, especially if they are not approved by VISA or Mastercard, is usually bad news and it's best if you don't deal with them on-line. If you follow these rules, you won't get ripped off and will be able to enjoy a lot of bargains. Airlines, hotels, car rental agencies and many chain stores give you a very noticeable discount, if you order over the web. However, if you plan to register at a hotel, try to find the site of the hotel. You usually pay $10 - $15 less per night than if you order through a booking agency. Have FUN Dear Webby
A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told him, "I'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing CDs and DVDs Always store CDs and DVDs in a case or protective sleeve. If you label them with a marker, be sure to use a non solvent-based felt-tip permanent marker. Store in a relative humidity of 20% to 50% and between 40 and 70 degrees F and in an upright position to avoid having them bend over time. For More Storage Ideas, Click Here Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jim let his dog out to do his business late one night. He watched some TV and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!" said the panicked man. He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed its beautiful white fur as he blow-dried it and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door. The next day, he saw his neighbor. "Hi," the neighbor said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "Something weird happened last night." "Oh yeah? What's that?" asked Jim, sweating now. "Well, my cat died yesterday, got run over by a truck. What a mess! We buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Brilliance in imagery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Attaching a folder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  April 24, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


". . . if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice." --Laurence J. Peter "Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example." --Duc de La Rochefoucald
If you get tired of the great persuasion artist badmouthing and belittling the US like a slum comedian, drive the roads I drove today. Safford, Clifton, Alpine, Holbrook. See the mountains they moved in Clifton to get the copper for millions of homes. What an awesome accomplishment! Then the road from Clifton to Alpine! A million curves carved into the mountains and smoothly paved. Well, maybe slightly less than a Million, but I am in total awe about the monumental effort of building that road! The road follows the ridges of one mountain range after another, with views showing blue range after range fading into the hazy distance at the curve of the globe. I bet, even Obama would be proud of the US, if he ever drove the roads I drove today. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two five-year-olds were on a picnic with their respective families. They both wandered into the nearby woods to answer a call of nature. The little girl squatted and did the necessary. On her way back to the picnic grounds, she ran across the little boy who was relieving himself against a tree. "Wow" she said with rounded eyes, "what a handy gadget to take on a picnic!".
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Thanks to Kati for this one: I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do." FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different, very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it today." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" --------------------- Will the neighbor lady, who never has a headache, get the cuddling for a while ?
One tiny corner of the mine in Clifton, AZ Same in 800 x 600 Same in 1024 x 768
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to SUV falls three stories to rooftop NEW YORK (UPI) -- Witnesses said a luxury sport utility vehicle fell three stories from a New York parking garage to the rooftop of a neighboring building. The witnesses said an attendant at the Greenwich Village garage accidentally shifted the Mercedes SUV into reverse just before 4 p.m. Monday and managed to jump out of the vehicle before it exited the structure and fell to a rooftop between the garage and another building, the New York Post reported Tuesday. Witness Colby Danz said the attendant told emergency responders that he was "dazed and confused" at the time of the incident. The attendant was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital, where officials said he appeared to be uninjured. Eli Yedid, the owner of the SUV, said he was just happy the attendant was not hurt. "We'll have to get a new car, but it's people that aren't replaceable," he said. Yedid said he was familiar with the attendant and described him as a "happy-go-lucky, a jolly kind of guy." "I'm elated he's alive and well. I hope to be able to laugh with him about it later on," he said.
He, Luigi, you are a man of the world. "What is an operetta?" "That'sa da girl who works the switchboard at da teliphone company."
From the Tech Support Pits: Dear Webby's Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Attaching a folder Dear Webby, ...is there any way of attaching and sending a whole folder in an email or does one have to attach each file separately? Thanks so much.... Ann Dear Ann I don't thik any email program will let you do that, unless you zip up that folder. You can click on ATTACH or hit CTRL H, browse into that folder, hit CTRL A to select all, and hit Enter. That attaches all files in that folder. Have FUN Dear Webby
A soldier went up to the Company Cook and said, "If you put a lid on the pan there'll be less dust and dirt in the food". The cook, very annoyed, replied, "You mind your own business. Your duty is to defend the homeland!" "That's right," said the soldier. "But my duty is to defend it, not to eat it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Water for Emergencies Water should be stored in containers that are made specifically for water storage, or in glass and plastic bottles that were previously used for beverages, thoroughly cleaned. Never use containers that were previously used for pesticides, chemicals, solvents, anti-freeze, oils, etc. Click Here For More Emergency Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Emergency_1945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The battery in John's beat-up car had died because he left the lights on overnight. He was in a hurry to get to work on time so he ran into the house to get his wife to give him a hand to start the car. John told her to get into the second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push the VW fast enough to start it. John pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. John sat there fuming, wondering what could be taking her so long. A minute passed by and then he heard her thundering down the alley and soon saw her in the rearview mirror, coming at him at about 40 MPH.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Shorebirds
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to move a window that is up too high? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 23, 2009


"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance." --- Franklin P. Jones
Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada. To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by calling out road signs. He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec. When he awoke, he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried tone, "I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out: "Do you really think I'd give you that information for a lousy fifty cents?"
Do you see the ram's head? I spotted it today on Highway 266 in Southern Arizona.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Brian Scholl and Joel Cruz, both 21of La Crosse, Wisconsin Tobacco spit leads police to suspects Police in Wisconsin say a trail of chewing tobacco spit led them to two men accused of stealing a safe from a pub. The pair have been charged with stealing a safe containing $3,000 in cash and beer tokens from a bar in the island town of Campbell. The heavy safe, which had been bolted to a kitchen worktop, was carried off but the nearby key was left untouched, reports the La Crosse Tribune. Police officers investigating the burglary were able to collect chewing tobacco spit that led away from the tavern. DNA from the spit matched a 21-year-old man, from nearby La Crosse, who was promptly arrested. From the La Crosse County Jail, he called a woman and asked that she get rid of the safe, which he thought was still in the trunk of the car, that she was storing for him. Even though he is a repeat offender, he somehow thought that calls from jail were not monitored. In fact, a fisherman had found the safe and a tavern voucher for a six-pack of beer on a sandbar in the Kaskaskia River. A search of the car produced a receipt to another La Crosse man, also 21, from the day after the burglary for a hotel room about 30 miles from where the safe had been abandoned. The arrested man confessed to the burglary, saying the second man invited him on Facebook to take part in the crime. ------------ Strong like bull, smart like shovel!
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Rosa Re: Window out of moving range Dear Webby I, or some silly ad, somehow moved a window too high up. Now I can't see or grab the top edge to pull it farther down or close it. I know if I close it with ALT F4, the next one will open in the same, out of range position. Is there a trick to rescue that window and move it farther down? Thanks, Rosa Dear Rosa Hold down ALT and click the space bar type M Hold down SHIFT and use the DOWN arrow to move the window down. Each time you hit the keyboard down arrow, the window outline moves down a tiny little bit. When it is down far enough, hit Enter and it jumps to the position outlined. If you are using Launchy, you have to exit that temporarily, because otherwise it will use the ALT-Spacebar combo. Have FUN Dear Webby
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads 'No.' After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything! But noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clutter Control: Online Banking Use online banking to cut down on the amount of paperwork you have to organize. Also, most credit card companies allow you to pay bills online and you can have them send you electronic statements by email. You can save them digitally and print when you need them. For More Tips On Banking, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... 2_447.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One workman asks another, "How long have you been working here?" The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dragonfly
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Icon to show the desktop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 22, 2009


Men who never get carried away should be. --- Malcolm Forbes It is not who is right, but what is right, that is of importance. --- Thomas Huxley
Here is a handy link for you: Manuals for all Today, while climbing around the rocks way up on Highway 366, some rocks decided to change location. This resulted in me doing some fancy disco acrobatics while tumbling down the mountain and trying to protect the camera in my hand. It probably would have been quite funny to watch. There was very little blood on the rocks, and not a single scratch on the camera ! So I climbed up again on a slightly different route and got to the cactus I wanted to shoot. Later, when we got back to the hotel, I found out that during that tumble I must have accidentally changed the settings from 2564 pixels wide and superfine to 640 pixels wide and "normal". I considered cussing, but instead decided to look online for a manual for the camera. My manual is at home in Canada, and I briefly looked through it in 2005, but have not seen it since then. I found ManualsForAll, and bought a download of it for $4.95. It has some weird copy protection that requires the newest Adobe Acrobat reader. You can't just read it with any PDF reader. That definitely caused some cussing and wasting of time to install that fat pig. Once Adobe was installed, the manual opened OK, and after a quick glance at page 38, I set the resolution and compression to the way I had it before. So, if you ever need a manual for a camera, printer or whatever, and it is more important than keeping Acrobat off your machine, remember ManualsForAll. Have FUN! DearWebby
A walker exploring the delights of the Isle of Mull lost his way in the mist and wandered around aimlessly for three days. At last, the mist rose slightly and he saw a man in the distance. "Help" he cried and stumbled towards the man who waited for him to reach him. "Whit's the matter" said the local man. "I'm lost and I've been wandering around for three days" replied the hiker. "Is there a reward out for ye, dae ye think?" asked the local. The walker said he didn't think there would be. "In that case, you're still lost" said the local and faded into the mist.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Returning home from work, this lady in Baltimore, a town famous for their excellent K-9 police squads, had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND cop!"
Highway 366 in Arizona, one of the most delightfully curvy roads in the US.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 26 year old burglar in Treharris, Wales, UK Woman, 86, made burglar cry TREHARRIS, Wales (UPI) -- Police in Wales said an 86-year-old woman used her metal crutch to beat a 26-year-old burglar to tears and forced him to sit and wait for officers. Gwyneth Davies, who is recovering from pneumonia, broken ribs and a hip fracture, told police she was on her way to bed when she discovered the man in her kitchen, The Sun reported. Davies said she struck the man four times with her metal crutch and ordered him to sit on a stool in her kitchen while she called the authorities. "I lashed out. He was bent over the worktop pretending to cry," Davies said. "It was better than going to the pictures. The police arrived and asked if I was all right. I said, 'You're asking the wrong one!'" Detective Constable Justin Noble said police officers were impressed with Davies. "She's my new heroine," he said. The suspect was arrested and charged with burglary.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "I haven't got a clue," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. When he heard that, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and Revernd Hibbert next door left for a mission in Africa."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Don Re: Icon for desktop Dear Webby, I have Windows XP Home Edition with service pack 1. Can you please tell me where in Win XP I might find the icon for the desk top, or how I may create one? I have searched every where in the computer that i can think of. but am unable to find a desk top icon or how to create one, thanks for your help. Don Dear Don The Windows Key plus D works the best for that. However, if you have an ancient keyboard without the Windows key, you can make a taskbar icon for it. Make a text file with notepad or wordpad and save it into c:\windows\ as Show Desktop.scf Paste this into that file: __________________ [Shell] Command=2 IconFile=explorer.exe,3 [Taskbar] Command=ToggleDesktop ___________________ Then make a shortcut to that file, drag that shortcut to the desktop drag it from the desktop to the task bar next to the START button. That taskbar icon will then work the same as if you had hit the Windows key and "D". Have FUN! DearWebby
There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and whispered to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems, and she instantly fell in love with me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Cut Too Much at Once Don't mow more than 1/3 of the grass height in one mowing. If you need to cut really long grass, mow it over a couple of days, cutting 1/3rd of the grass on each day. If your grass is growing too quickly, try scaling back how much you water and fertilize it. For More Lawn Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gardening_Lawn_497_521.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Answering machine message: "This is the microwave. The answering machine eloped with the VCR and is currently not available. I can't record your message, but if you want me to boil your brain, please hold your phone close to your head."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Other Shells
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Modify pictures before resizing 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  April 21, 2009


If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. --- Abraham Maslow "The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it--they're the ones falling down the most!" --Jay Leno "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." -- Lynn Lavner
Dwayne, Dianne, his wife, and Dwayne's mother-in-law went camping. Dwayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone on her stroll in the woods way too long. So the two of them went looking for her. After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law! Immediately Dianne pleaded,in a frantic voice, "Dwayne you gotta do something, or there's gonna be trouble fer sure!" Dwayne calmly said, "Nah, those grizzllies are a lot tougher than they look. He'll live."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive. She was an accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture. She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune on the piano. "Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave out the bit where the lightning strikes the outhouse?
Guess what and where this is!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 28 year old armed robber in Moscow, Russia Police: Woman keptarmed robber as sex slave Taking the law into her own .... KALUGA, Russia (UPI) -- Russian police said a female hairdresser was arrested for allegedly keeping an unsuccessful armed robber bound as a sex slave for two days. Web site Life.ru quoted police as saying the 32-year-old man entered the hair salon at about 5 p.m. March 14, brandished a gun and demanded money from workers and customers, The Moscow Times reported Wednesday. However, the 28-year-old hairdresser, who had martial arts training, disarmed the man and bound him with a hair-dryer cord. Police told Life.ru that the woman then allegedly kept the man gagged and handcuffed to a radiator for 48 hours. She is accused of forcing him to take Viagra and forcing him to have sex with her multiple times. The woman let her prisoner go March 16 and he went to police after seeking treatment for injuries to his genitals. The Web site said the man filed a complaint asking for the hairdresser to be brought up on charges for "actions of a sexual nature." The woman filed a complaint the next day seeking armed robbery charges against the man. "I don't know what's going to happen now," Life.ru quoted a police source as saying. "We could put both of them behind bars: him for robbery, her for rape and assault."
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me. And don't call the last one. That's my receptionist. She's a silly bimbo. You can do a lot better than that!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From Rollie RE: Modify pictures before resizing? Dear Webby, Is it better to sharpen, lighten, darken etc on a digital picture before or after resizing it to the size needed? Thanks Rollie Dear Rollie It's best to do any picture tuning before you reduce the size. All those changes get blended in and look more natural after the resizing operation. The resizing should be the final operation before saving it under a new name. I usually don't save during any tuning, just in case I need an original version. Have FUN! DearWebby
A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun. The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Recycled Containers Recycled plastic food containers or old tupperware containers are great for making sand castles or playing in the bathtub. They also can usually be stored within one another so they don't take up much space when they are no longer being used for toys. Click Here For More Tips On Reusing http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- have you never seen a little boy before?" The bottom of the old copper mine in Bisbee, Arizona
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Seashells
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: List of motels that allow pets 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 20, 2009


There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality. --- Pablo Picasso It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! --- Friedrich Nietzsche
One morning, while shaving, George started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered. "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A couple went to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and nobody seemed to be watching, so he decided to relieve himself right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act was well under way. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
Disco Rapper near Why, Arizona
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a driver in Oslo, Norway Motorist arrested for sex while speeding A Norwegian man was arrested after he was caught having sex with his girlfriend while speeding on a motorway. Officers trailed the couple's car after noticing it was swerving from side to side and travelling at 20mph over the speed limit, reports the BBC. But they soon realised the erratic driving was due to the woman "sitting on the man's lap", a police spokesman said. After filming the exploit for evidence, they pulled them over at a rest area on the E18 motorway, west of Oslo. The 28-year-old man is likely to face a fine of several thousand Norwegian kroner and a lengthy driving ban. "Why they did it on a highway with such a high risk we don't know," said Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen. Despite her role in the incident, the 21-year-old woman was allowed by police to drive her lover home. -------------------------- A[[arently she wasn't worth the cost of a motel, or the time for pulling over into a rest area. They should have confiscated the idiot's car!
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How is THAT going to help?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From Sharon Re: List of motels that allow pets Dear Webby, Is there a site that lists pet friendly motels along the way? I do not relish the thought of sleeping in the car with my dog while everyone else is inside sleeping in a bed. I'd sure appreciate your or your readers help on this problem. Thank you, Sharon Dear Sharon As long a it's not a yappy Chihuahua or similar dog that might annoy all the other guests, most motels nowadays allow small dogs and working dogs. Larger dogs are a bit of a problem. Even if the motel has a "Pets Welcome" sign, if the dogs drool, slobber, shed, or look like they might scare somebody into running through the new rose hedge, then the Vacancy sign suddenly changes to NO Vacancy until after you have gone away. If you are not sure how your dog will behave during the inspection in the motel or hotel lobby, then it would be a good idea to talk to your vet and discuss medication. Keeping those basic rules in mind, here is a site that lists pet friendly hotels and motels by state: http://www.petswelcome.com/milkbone/sitemapframe.html They also list B&B's and cabins. If enough people find this link useful, I'll put it permanently into the left side margin. Have FUN! DearWebby
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but, of course, the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday". Monday morning a very irate jeweler phones the man. "You crook, you lied. There's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he had not been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm just here to feed the alligators."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Meteorite Gallery
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: List of file names 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 19, 2009


There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. --- William James
Q: What do you get when you mix Holy Water and Prune Juice? A: A Religious Movement.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that there Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sweated off a few pounds. Next I have to get some tan onto those knobby computer nerd knees! That cactus is a Turberi Organpipe, nicely lined up with the hole in the rock in Diablo Canyon.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to three guys in Kansas City, MO with no talent for operating heavy equipment. Police: Theft foiled by mud KANSAS CITY, Mo. (UPI) -- Police in Kansas City, Mo., said three men were arrested after the skid-steer loader they were allegedly trying to steal became stuck in the mud. Investigators said the skid-steer loader was found stuck in the mud at the construction site and officers followed scrape marks left on the street to a trailer that had been towed by the suspects' vehicle, the Kansas City Star reported Tuesday. Officers found an empty truck nearby where the trailer was discovered and the men were found hiding in a nearby field after a police dog was called to the scene. ------------- A skid steer loader is a small loader like a Bob-Cat. It is almost impossible to get them stuck, and as long as the air intake and the operator's nose is above water, they can even operate in rivers or very deep mud. With a skilled operator.
A wise, old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do. A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet." The next day, it did rain and it was very wet. Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?" "Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold. People were so impressed with this, they asked him another time. Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I dunno. I was watching wrestling instead of the weather channel."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Kate RE: List of file names Dear Webby I know Windows doesn't have an easy way to print a list of the file names in a folder, but I have received CD's from friends that had a neatly printed list of the files. I don't want dates or sizes, just the file names. How is that done? Kate Dear Kate The easiest way is to use DOS. First make a directory (folder) where you keep those lists. Then click on START, RUN and type: cmd That opens a DOS window. Type "cd" (without the quotes), then a space, then the name of the folder that you want listed. Hit Enter. The prompt should now be showing the same as what you saw in the top address bar in Windows Explorer. Now type "dir /b > dirlist.txt" instead of dirlist.txt you can use any file name you want, but make the extension ".txt" Now you can use any word processor or even a spreadsheet program to open "dirlist.txt", format it the way you want it, and print it. You can even paste the contents of "dirlist.txt" into programs for making CD and DVD case inserts. Have FUN! DearWebby
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Uncle Charlie...... So I rented him a tuxedo!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fix Leaky Toilets A leaky toilet can waste 50 gallons or more per day. To test to see your toilet is leaking, put drops of food coloring into the toilet tank. Wait 15 minutes. If color has made it's way to the bowl, you have a leak. Try replacing the flush valve in the tank to correct the problem. For More Plumbing Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_614.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Donna was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner knew her, and remembered that she still had not paid a bill from half a year ago, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So Donna went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, Rachel, came home and said, "What are you doing?" Donna told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Rachel rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Life under the sea
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Camera cable or chip reader 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 18, 2009


Spare no expense to save money on this one. --- Samuel Goldwyn
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband! The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I am, the minute I asked you to marry me!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"
Yep, the desert sure does bloom! This was in the middle of Joshua Tree park, one of the most rugged and scenic deserts in the world. One of these guys is going to lose 20 pounds in the desert in the next two weeks.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alleged 'Hamburglar' found at McDonald's ARLINGTON, Wash. (UPI) -- A real-life alleged "Hamburglar" was awaiting charges in Washington state after being apprehended at a McDonald's restaurant, officials say. Unlike the McDonald's children's advertising character, the alleged Hamburglar in Arlington, Wash., is real, The (Everett, Wash.) Herald reported Tuesday. Local police say the man was first arrested last week on suspicion of burglary but escaped from the back seat of a police car when officers rolled down a window to allow him to throw up. Two days later, police reportedly received a call from the manager of a McDonald's who said a customer matching the escaped suspect's description had been in the restaurant but had disappeared. An affidavit filed Monday indicated that police took a look around the McDonald's, noticed a loose ceiling tile, and found the suspect hiding in the ceiling. The man was booked into the Snohomish County Jail in Everett and is awaiting formal charges of third-degree escape, residential burglary, theft, malicious mischief and burglary, the Herald said.
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that's right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Francisca RE: Camera cable or Chip Reader ? Dear Webby What is better, a camera that downloads directly to the computer, or a camera where you have to remove a chip and copy from that into the computer. one of my friends has one type, another friend has the other type, and of course each claims their version is better. What is YOUR recommendation ? Francisca Dear Francisca The better cameras offer both methods, but if you have a choice, you throw away the camera-to-computer cable. (Keep the camera-to-TV cable) If you are limited to downloading directly to the computer via a very special cable and program, you are totally out of luck if your camera's memory is full while you are on a canoe trip and don't have the computer along. If you have removable chips, you pop out the full chip and push in the next one. Those memory chips are very sturdy, and they just fit into the parking meter change pockets that you get on some belts. A memory chip reader is $9 - $15 and reads 8MB to 64GB memory chips. Personally, I use mostly 2 GB chips, and I also use them instead of floppies. When you slide that memory chip into the reader or the computer, you instantly have an extra harddrive. You can then copy the pictures from the chip or even edit them right on the chip. Also, keep in mind that slow transfer via cable drains the 6 Volt camera battery. It tries to charge up the 5 Volt USB port! Have FUN! DearWebby
"Information Superhighway" is really an acronym for 'Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing And Transferring Information On National Systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wiseacres. And Yahoos'."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Caring For Leather Jackets Don't leave leather items in the back of your car on sunny days. Heat and sunlight can dry and bleach out the leather. Hairspray or perfume can damage the finish. If it gets wet, let it dry at room temperature. Store with room to breathe. Click Here For More Clothing Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_Tips_1220_1222.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It is sometimes easy to forget how easily email technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago, for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on her computer screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dragon Fruit
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Dear Webby: Uncluttered Favorites 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  April 17, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!


Every composer knows the anguish and despair occasioned by forgetting ideas which one had no time to write down. -- Hector Berlioz yeah, happens to writers too.
A woman brought an old picture of her dead husband to the photographer. She asked the photographer if he could remove the hat from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on. "I forget," she said. "But you can see that for yourself when you take off his hat."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling on his seat. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder. "Wow! It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
Opuntia blooming in Death Valley, California today.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Abby Toll, 20, University of Colorado Female Pervert Taped Puppy To Refrigerator APRIL 14--Meet Abby Toll. The University of Colorado student, 20, is facing a felony animal abuse rap after she taped her boyfriend's puppy to the side of a refrigerator in a bid to teach the rambunctious animal a "lesson." According to police, Toll used clear packing tape early this morning to adhere the eight-month-old dog (a Shiba Inu named Rex) to the appliance in the kitchen of her boyfriend's apartment. Toll allegedly was angry at Bryan Beck, 21, for failing to get rid of the puppy, which, Toll told cops, bit her a few days ago. According to the below Boulder Police Department reports, when cops responded at 5 AM to a "report of a male and female yelling" at Beck's apartment, they discovered that "Rex's body was completely encased in packing tape." When Officer Kara Jurczenia asked what was on the side of the fridge, Toll replied, "The dog." Toll added, "I know this looks really bad, but the dog bites. He is aggressive." Jurczenia asked how long the puppy had been taped upside down to the side of the refrigerator. "Not long," Toll replied. "Like 20-30 minutes. It was just until he calmed down." The reports note that when Beck saw his dog stuck to the refrigerator, he told Toll, "Take him down," adding, "You are so sick!" Toll replied, "No, you are sick for not caring enough about me to get rid of the dog." The animal, whose paws had been bound with elastic hair ties, was clearly in pain and "yelped and screamed loudly" as cops worked to free him. "Rex just lay motionless, but breathing, on his kennel after he was removed from the tape." The puppy was handed over to the Boulder Valley Humane Society. Toll, seen in the above mug shot, was turned over to county jailers. Beck, who was arrested in connection with his scuffle with Toll, was not charged with animal abuse. Though he did reportedly tell police, "We were going to get rid of him anyway. We usually don't do this." (5 pages) http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... 2dog1.html ------------- All pups I ever had, have bitten me. So what? It's a normal part of their development. They bite their mother and their siblings too It's not a hostile act, just part of finding out what is appreciated and what is not. Pups are very sensitive to the boss's tone of voice, and if that is not enough, putting a finger on their tongue, when they are biting during playful wrestling, makes them quit the biting quite fast. There is absolutely no need to get sadistic and perverted.
Thanks to BillieBob in Bama: How can you tell Leroy is at a Cock fight? He's the one who brought the duck. How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight? He's the one who bets on the duck. How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight? The duck wins.
From the Tech Support Pits: From Cindy Re: Uncluttered Favorites Dear Webby, The "favorites" in my browser are too difficult to organize and I want to make shortcuts to them in little clusters on the desktop. Thanks, Cindy Dear Cindy Reduce your browser window so that the area, where you want to park the short-cut icons, is visible. Then go to a site, and drag the little icon in the left of the browser address bar onto that empty spot on the desktop. You can rename the icon text to something shorter and more memorable. Once things get too cluttered, make some folders in some directory on the drive, NOT on the desktop! Then make desktop shortcuts to those folders, give the shortcuts distinctive icons, and drag the icons from those clusters into those folders. One of the reasons for not using desktop folders for that, is that it is difficult to change the icons of desktop folders, and a stack of identical lookng manila folders does not help for organizing things. Have FUN! DearWebby
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recommended Supplies for a Basic Emergency Kit: Be sure to have an emergency kit in your house. It should include: Water and food for 3 days, a battery-powered radio, flashlight and extra batteries, a First Aid kit, basic tools for shelter and repair. Also include any unique family needs such as prescription medications, baby needs and documents. Get More Information on Emergency Preparation Here http://www.ready.gov/america/index.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a "woman" for you." "What's a "woman", Lord?" "This "woman" will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want, even before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great!" Adam says with a grin on his face. "She will be, but this is going to cost you." "Oh, how much will this "woman" cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib? The rest, of course, is history.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Light, The Universe & Everything
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Dear Webby: Name Servers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  April 16, 2009


It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Morris Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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David, a big city CPA, moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later David returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later David returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said David with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Cheyenne, Wyoming texting addicted teenager Texting without a payment plan is expensive! CHEYENNE, Wyo. (UPI) -- A Wyoming father said he took a hammer to his 13-year-old daughter's cell phone after she racked up $4,756.25 in text messaging fees. Gregg and Jaylene Christoffersen said they thought texting was disabled on the phone used by their daughter, Dena, because their plan with Verizon did not include the service, KUSA-TV, Denver, reported Wednesday. However, the service provider charged the family for each one of the 10,000 text messages that Dena sent in a single month. Gregg Christoffersen said he smashed the offending phone with a hammer and he and his wife have grounded Dena until the end of the school year. The couple said Verizon has agreed to reduce the bill to a more manageable amount.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
From the Tech Support Pits: From Dag Re: Name Servers Dear Webby, Does it make any difference where the name servers for a domain are located? I am wondering why it takes so long before my site starts loading up in browsers. Dag Dear Dag Yes, it makes a huge difference! If your name server is for example located in China or at some rural ISP in Kentucky, when somebody tries to jump to your site from a link, then their browser first has to inquire from your domain registration about where your name servers are. Then the name servers have to be queried for the road map to your pages. Only then can the request for the pages be sent to wherever they happen to be hosted. We found that we get the fastest results by locating our name servers in the big hub that connects the transatlantic cables and the North American continent. With Millions of visitors to 50,000 postcard sites, the location of the name servers and the page servers makes a very noticeable difference. Have FUN! DearWebby
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to man up their nostrils, and get so warped from snorting, that they tell you it's bad for you if you put sugar in your coffee!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Heel Marks on the Floor First, the best way to prevent heel marks is to have a "no shoes" policy in your house. If you have a heel mark you need to remove, just rub it with a pencil eraser. A "magic" eraser works well for removing heel marks on floors or baseboards. For More Floor Cleaning Tips, Click Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Floors_296_314.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The newlywed couple had been up for a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with John, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Jill, "breakfast will be ready." "Great!" John said, "What are we having for breakfast?" And Jill said, "Toast and juice."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Geeks
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Dear Webby: How to use CHKDSK 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  April 15, 2009


A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money. --- Senator Everett Dirksen I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A patient had broken his leg and it was going to have to be set. To get him ready for this painful event, he was heavily sedated. While in this "state", he spoke rather freely with the hospital staff and with his wife. She apparently learned several things about her husband. When it was time to reverse the medication, the wife said "Wait! not yet. I have some more questions I want to ask".
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Shale of Jordan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 17 year old dope in Kalamazoo, Michigan Pilot's license revoked after oral sex KALAMAZOO, Mich. (UPI) -- Police in Michigan said they arrested a 17-year-old suspect for marijuana possession twice within the space of a single hour. The Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety said the suspect was first arrested at about 1:30 p.m. Wednesday when officers spotted the teenager rolling a joint, WWMT-TV, Kalamazoo, reported. Officers said they discovered additional marijuana the suspect had hidden beneath a nearby vehicle and he was arrested and charged with possession of the drug. The teenager was released after posting $100 bail. However, the department said officers spotted the same suspect rolling a joint at 2:20 p.m. -- les than an hour later. Officers said they also discovered the suspect to be carrying crack cocaine. The teenager was booked into the Kalamazoo County Jail on charges of possessing cocaine and marijuana as well as violating his bond conditions.
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me." He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you." "First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds in your lower half. Second, you should use only about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick as you did this morning. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Chkdsk Good Morning Webby... When I ran my "crap cleaner" this morning, I got an error message and I don't know what to do. The error messages was: Windows\Temp\msmsc_QASFDtlJbNtLfJ1 is corrupt and unreadable Please run CHKDSK UTILITY I ran "crap cleaner" again and got the same message. I tried using run CHKDSK and that told me it was only read ; I looked for the file and got no where. Do you have any suggestions? I thought of deleting the crap cleaner and then installing it again, is it the crap cleaner? You've helped me so many times, I hate to ask for help again! Thank you, Carol Dear Carol Shooting the messenger won't fix the problem. For chkdsk to FIX stuff, you have to type chkdsk /f Otherwise it just tells you what should be fixed. Have FUN! DearWebby
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Heyyy!Stop! I'm on the wrong bus! I don't wanna go where SHE goes!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Storage Pantry Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you, check out Thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God looked at him and said, "Nah, you got to make your own dirt!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Out of bounds
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Dear Webby: Bad virus infection 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  April 14, 2009


The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action. --- Frank Herbert
An English soldier, an American solider and a Russian soldier found themselves sharing a table in a Bosnian restaurant, and the conver sation turned towards how well fed each of them was. "In the Russian army we have 2000 calories of food a day" said the Russian. "Well", said the Englishman, "In the British army we are given 4000 calories of food a day." "That's nothing", said the American, "in the US army we have 8000 calories of food a day". At this the Russian got very annoyed. "Nonsense", he said, "how could one man eat that much cabbage!!!."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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MacTavish's little boy was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. "If you had five pounds," said the teacher, "and I asked you for the loan of three pounds, how many would you have left?" "Five," said young MacTavish firmly. "Five?" the teacher said "How do you make it five?" "Well," replied young MacTavish "You can ask for a loan of three pounds, but that doesn't mean you will get it."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Keith Martz, 52, San Diego, California Pilot's license revoked after oral sex GARDENA, Calif. (UPI) -- A California helicopter pilot whose license was revoked again after he engaged in sex acts while in the air has lost an appeal to be reinstated. David Keith Martz, 52, was grounded by the Federal Aviation Administration after a video surfaced online in February that depicted the pilot receiving oral sex from a porn actress while flying above the waterfront in downtown San Diego, the San Diego Union-Tribune reported Wednesday. The revocation of Martz's license was upheld Tuesday by an administrative law judge at the National Transportation Safety Board in Gardena, Calif. Martz, a commercial pilot, argued during the hearing that he had corrected any defects in his flying skills since he received a suspension last year on an unrelated matter. The pilot can appeal the judge's decision to the National Transportation Safety Board.
A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked. "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rae Re: Bad infection Dear Webby Many thanks for all your good information, jokes, news articles and pictures. Your father's cacti blooms are just beautiful. I vote for your letter daily. My XP, service pack 2, is bringing me to tears now. It's been crashing off and on when I'm on line, plus had some other problems. I know so little about correcting them so decided to get a free Panda scan, fearing I may have that Conficker worm. The scan found things that needed to be taken off, so I tried to order their paid offer. When I type, the provided form spaces remain blank. After trying several times, I gave up. Now I find no forms will accept my key strokes and I cannot even vote for you. I have Norton, but it doesn't find anything. Any help you can give would be so appreciated. I'm far from computer savvy. Thanks much, Rae Dear Rae It sounds like your machine has been infected with something that is more powerful than Norton and Panda, and that prevents Norton and Panda from working. Copy all the stuff, that you want to keep, onto CD's or DVDs, and do a full re-install from the XP set-up disk. You don't need to copy the programs, you have to re-install those anyway. Just copy pictures, music and documents. After re-installing XP, immediately get the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker. Then let Windows do an update from 2001 to 2009. Next get some serious anti virus program. Obviously, Norton and Panda are not strong enough for the roads you travel, so I would recommend McAfee. It is $34 a year. Then get Spybot-Search&Destroy and whatever you want from my Toolbox at http://webby.com/tools You might also want to grab a free
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Say "No" to Pizza Delivery Way too long for this space, but if the topic interests you, check out Thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice, a week ago...." "And you are afraid she'll find it again ?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Frogs
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Dear Webby: Driver Cure 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  April 13, 2009


Free advice is worth the price. --- Robert Half Discretion is not the better part of biography. --- Lytton Strachey,
There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and Thorn wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. Thorn remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively, and plowed through the crowd of women. I can just see him. When I worked with Thorn, he was a model of patience, up to a point. After that it was a lot safer to be out of tool throwing range. "Hey you!", an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like a gentleman!". "That's what I HAVE BEEN doing," Thorn retorted, "But since that doesn't work in this zoo, I'm gonna try to act like you wimin!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Bo was telling the little ones of how it was when he was a young boy in Brooklyn, in Manhattan's immigrant ghetto. "When I was a kid," he said, "we didn't even have a radio. So our dad bored a hole through the wall into the living room of the Irish couple in the next apartment, to hear all the great boxing fights. That's when we discovered that they didn't have a radio either, and the fights we heard through the wall were live."
Thanks to Deeli for this picture of her balcony friend:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Beth Maynard, 14, in Port Pierce, Florida Police: Girl threw pretzels at officer FORT PIERCE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a 14-year-old girl was arrested after she allegedly threw a bag of pretzels at a sergeant and twice tossed her shoe at an officer. Investigators said Beth Maynard, 14, was one of several patients under police supervision Thursday night at Lawnwood Regional Medical Center & Heart Institute in Fort Pierce, TCPalm.com reported. Police did not say why the girl was in the hospital. The police report of the incident says Maynard "walked around with an attitude" and threatened to strike an officer with her shoe if he did not stop looking at her. The teenager continued to give the officer "dirty looks" and twice threw her shoe at him, hitting the officer's foot, the report says. It states that a police sergeant arrived and the scene and the girl threw a bag of pretzels that struck him in the chest. Maynard was arrested and charged with felony battery of an officer. ----------------- Let's hope the brat gets the hint before she throws a knife.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Driver Cure Dear Webby Seen this DriverCure and wondering if you have something like this? Roland Dear Roland Our computers seem to work just fine without that. I never came across a driver that needed fixing, except the ones on the road. Have FUN! DearWebby
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check and cashed it in the store, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dorm Room Necessities Way too long for here, but if you are interested, browse to http://www.thriftyfun.com/ and read it there. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A rather boring joke I heard today reminded me of a fun incicent. Many years ago when I was taking a required course in the process of becoming an electrician, we also had to take some basics physics. Personally, I always loved physics, probably because deep down inside I am still a kid that is fascinated by anything that makes noise or moves. Most of the people in the class hated physics, and one guy in particular did a lot of complaining about it and asking why it was necessary. Finally the instructor had enough and he told him that physics was required to save his live. Naturally the guy fell for that straight line and asked how physics would save his live. "It saves lives", the instructor yelled at him, "because it keeps you from finishing the course, and because if you passed my class and then later burned down a house with your lack of knowledge, I'd have to go and shoot you." That guy quit the course right there
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to GPS locate a phone 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  April 12, 2009
Happy Easter!


That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong. --- William J. H. Boetcker
A woman went to the Governor of Alabama about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary. " What's is in for ?", asked the Governor. " For stealing a ham." " That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?" " No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy." " Oh...well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?" " No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth." " Why would you want a man like that out of prison?" " Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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"Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher. All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny. "I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school," explained Little Johnny.
Thanks to Pam at http://www.chinookcountrypost.com/ for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19 in Boynton Beach, Florida Burglary shown Live On The Internet APRIL 9--A Florida woman who used a live Internet video feed to monitor the interior of her home was shocked yesterday, when she saw two men burglarizing her residence in real time. Jeanne Thomas, 43, was seated at her office desk when two strangers appeared in her living room (the intruders got into Thomas's Boynton Beach house through a doggie door at the rear of the home, according to the below probable cause affidavit). Thomas, who set up the live video stream after her home was burglarized last October, immediately called 911 to report the burglary .Cops raced to her home and arrested the two men inside the house: Curtis Williams, 20, and Steven Morales, 19. Two other suspects--Scott George and Jonathan Cruz, both 20-- were nabbed at a nearby residence and charged with helping plan the burglary. The amazing surveillance video from inside Thomas's house was uploaded to YouTube by the Boynton Beach Police Department Mug shots of the four perps, who were booked into the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office lockup, are on The Smoking Gun site too. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... nton1.html Burglary and arrest video ------------- Look, Ma! Curtis and Steven are on the Internet!
St.Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for that..", St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer on your side ...?!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann D Re: How do you GPS track a phone? Dear Webby How exactly do you find the location of a phone? Ann D Dear Ann I don't use a cell phone, so I had to ask some friends who do. Apparently different companies use different ways, and what works for Verizon won't necessarily work for Sprint. Here are some URLs they sent me Take your pick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9qS6bAMPU http://googlemapsmania.blogspot.com/200 ... -june.html http://www.spymastertools.com/ http://www.accutracking.com/ With Verizon you buy two and configure one as the master. Have FUN! DearWebby
After the last child moves out of the house, Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a last effort at keeping their parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other. Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful violin and begins to play. After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the violin and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed to do it. He replies, "Well, I've never yet seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a violin solo."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tips for Job Hunting When hunting for a job, do not confine yourself to the newspapers, or online ads, as less than 30% of the available jobs are ever posted there. One of the reasons for this is the cost, and another is the time that would have to be wasted screening applicants. One way to find a job is to get out and truly pound the pavement. I have seen may help wanted signs out there, and even if it isn't your dream job, it may be the one that gets the bills paid until something else can be found. By Shari from Greer, SC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Lisa for this one: My father, in the hospital after surgery to repair a hip replacement, needed assistance to get on and off the toilet and the bedpan. 89 years old, he was also extremely modest and had a tough time dealing with the matter-of-fact ways nursing personnel dealt with bodily functions. One time two aides put him on the bedpan and stood by the bed waiting for him to finish. He looked at them and said. "It'll cost you a quarter to watch." Another time an aide put him on the toilet and left. When she came back about 5 minutes later, she asked if he was done yet. He looked at her in all seriousness and asked, "Why, do you need to use it?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ireland at a glance
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Prepare laptop for travel to Europe 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  April 11, 2009


All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. --- James Thurber Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. --- Malcolm Forbes
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "1 1/2 years in jail and 100 hours of community work."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Thanks to Connie for this: If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers you or your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that, too. Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. I could deal with that, too. I wish I was a bear.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk in La Crosse, Wisconsin Lost man tracked by cell phone GPS chip LA CROSSE, Wis. (UPI) -- A Wisconsin man, who got lost while bicycling home from a party, got help from police who tracked him by the GPS chip in his cell phone. La Crosse police also gave the man a ticket after discovering that his blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported. The man told police he had been drinking in a bar and then went on to a house party. When he realized he was lost on his trip home, he first took a nap and then used his cell phone to call police for help. Police dispatchers got in touch with the company providing his cell-phone service, who were able to get his location from the GPS chip. ------------- He could have called a jealous or concerned wife or secretary. Most of them know how to track a guy, as long as he is carrying a cell phone. They get the coordinates without him even realizing it, and punch them into Google Earth. That shows them in a few seconds exactly where he is, within a few feet. Then they can use Google Earth to plot the route from there to where he wants to go. Some on-line sites even tell you how fast somebody is moving, and in which direction. No more sneaking into the hardware department or the computer isle!
On my first day of school my parents told me to go to the nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes, having a great time. It's too bad they got more specific about which nursery when there was no semester report card.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gordon Re: Trip to Germany Good morning Webby. Your letter is the first thing that pops up on my screen every morning. Thanks for the chuckles each morning and a chance to vote for so many worthy causes, including your newsletter. Keep up the good work!! Now for my questions: I am planning a trip to Germany soon and wonder if you can give me some advice on taking my laptop computer along. It is a fairly large screen Dell so I'd prefer to pack it in my check-in luggage. - is it safe to pack it in my check-in luggage or is it best to take it as carry on? - the hotel I am going to says wireless Internet is available at a cost of 3.95 Euros for 30 minutes or 30 Euros per day. I will be there for 8 days so this translates in about $50 Cdn per day!! Any suggestions? - any advice of the best kind of power converter to get and where to buy it? Thanks for any help you can give me on this. Gordon Dear Gordon 1) Get a Samsonite or similar back-pack briefcase for the laptop. If you have ever seen how they slam checked luggage onto the bottom roller of the conveyor, when they load the plane, and listen for the tinkle of cracked screens, you will NEVER allow your laptop into checked luggage. And they always heave it onto the conveyor roller upside down, to make sure they nail your screen. The Samsonite back-pack briefcase has the back-pack hoops and also a wide single shoulder strap and a briefcase handle. The briefcase handle is wide enough so that it just fits over the extended handle of your wheeled carry-on. Hanging over the front of the wheeled carry-on it balances it nicely so that you have to neither lift nor push down, as you wheel it through endless airports. Find out what kind of plane you will be on, and use a wheeled carry-on that is allowed on that plane. With the new economy planes those dimensions seem to shrink every year. Measure your laptop case. Since it sounds like you have a standard 4:3 ratio screen and not the sawed off yuppie screen, it will not fit under the seats except on window seats on most of today's planes. Get your seat early and if necessary mention that fact to secure a window seat, 2) Get a decent hotel! If they rip you off on the connection, they will rip you off on other stuff too. Holiday Inn, Holiday Inn Express, and Best Western usually have free WIFI, or at least Ethernet free and included. You can book those hotels on-line. 3) Get outlet adapters for Germany, Austria and Switzerland. They are dirt cheap on-line, but usually hard to find locally. Here are two sites: http://www.hillmerstravelcenter.com/Pages/AdPlugs.html http://www.adaptelec.com/travel-plug-adapters-c-1.html I also carry a straight and a Philips screwdriver (no need for a square socket Robertson screwdriver, the Europeans are not that advanced yet) and some alligator patch cords. That lets me get into lamps and radios if the nearest free outlet is too far away. In Europe most hotel rooms are very long and extremely narrow, and with very few outlets. I also carry a 25 foot lightweight Christmas lighting extension cord with a miniature six outlet power bar on the female end. You don't have to worry about the higher voltage and lower frequency they use. Your laptop charger can handle that. The same goes for anything that has a power cube or charger. And don't forget a sheet of plexiglass cut to just fit into the lid of your suitcase! You can jam that into a partially opened dresser drawer for an instant table at comfortable computing height. Most hotels have low lounging chairs and high tables, forcing you to type at chin level. Leave the protective paper on the plexiglass. Otherwise your optical mouse won't work, plus it is handy for scribbling phone numbers and stuff. Keep your road warrior kit in your laptop case. That way, if your suitcase is delayed, you can still get on-line. Have FUN! DearWebby
According to George, home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090401@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Drapery Rod for a Changeable Headboard I used a wooden drapery rod to make a holder for fabric or a quilt or bedspread to use as a headboard. It is cheap, fast, and can be changed quickly. Just be sure to use lightweight fabrics, or put a support in the center of the pole for heavy items. You can make it as high or as low as you like. This is now my favorite headboard. By Susan from Mulberry, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Millie: What do you do at your Bible Studies meeting ? Susan: We try to figure out how much can we can get away with and still go to heaven.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mud Bugs
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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