Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 5
Time to wear a bit of red to show your 
support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Arizona Father charged with child abuse after 
using taser on 11 year old son six times in a year
to get him to do his homework.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 5 in
1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his 
second trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named 
the island Santa Gloria. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
History is more or less bunk.
--- Henry Ford (1863 - 1947)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut.
Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for
myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the
magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she
said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back
for."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

A new miracle doctor was in town.
He charged $100 in advance, with a full money-back
guarantee if his miracle did not cure a person.
He could cure anything and anybody, and
everyone was amazed with what he can do.

Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor to prove that he
wasn't so miraculous.

He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my
sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin
to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles
to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith,
"What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar
and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out,
"This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the
doctor. I will keep your $100.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the
doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts,
"I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head
and mumbles to himself a little.
Then  tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence,
Mr. Smith fled the office.
______________________________________________________



Chinese Topiary Gardens
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Darryl Ingram,
49,
Goodyear, 
Arizona

Arizona Father charged with child abuse after 
using taser on 11 year old son six times in a year
to get him to do his homework.

Bus Driver Asked Boy About Marks on Shoulder. He Says
They’re From a ‘Toy’ His Dad’s Been Using.

Ingram reportedly tried to trick him into thinking he was
using a phone app to punish him, not a real Taser — but
the injuries the child suffered were all too real.

The 49-year-old father denied using a real Taser on his
son, claiming he only used an app on him.

The father told police he didn't even have a Taser, but
authorities found one and a family member confirmed that
Ingram owned it.

Ingram then allegedly admitted to police later that he
used a real Taser on his son one time. He explained:

"I was telling him this is a toy compared to what police
use. I just kind of showed him against myself. It
basically is like a pinch. It doesn’t deliver much voltage
or anything. It does kinda like pinch the skin.”

He also described his reason for using it:
"If your behavior and the way you’re doing things
continues on, somewhere down the line, this is something
that is going to be used on you. You have to be obedient.”

Ingram has been charged with child abuse for his actions.

This isn't the first time Ingram has been investigated for
abuse. On another occasion, school officials called child
welfare workers to report that the father allegedly hit
his son. Court records show that the case was later
dismissed.

His 11-year-old son has been removed from his custody and
is now living with his mother in another state, 

where the sweet little angel will do his homework without
needing a jolt six times a year.

--------------------------
Considering that one jolt was not enough and that he
needed five reminders throughout the year, some stronger
punishment might be necessary. 

The carpet beater used for dusting my butt worked fairly
well, especially with having to hang all the carpets on
the fence afterward and having to beat them until they
were clean, with all the neighbor kids snickering at a
safe distance.
By the time we got a vacuum cleaner, I had learned to
behave.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Marnie
Re: Old clip art
Dear Webby
I am writing a book for friends 
with old recipes and need clip-art to
decorate it. Where would I find that?
Marnie

Dear Marnie
Try the "Gallery Of Regrettable Food" at
Gallery

There are all kinds of nowadays funny
pictures, from dough-boy-PLUS shaped,
pencil-mustachoid chefs, to moms in 40's
and 50's style hairdoos messing with
dough or old appliances. Some of the
pictures need to be touched up, but
many of them are quite funny.
Check for copyrights

Have FUN!
DearWebby



>From the Kidd family:
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do
you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
_____________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reusing Broken Terra Cotta Planters 
By Sandra
When one of my terra cotta planters crack, or break, I
take a hammer and remove the broken side and then place
the good half in front of a plant in my garden.
I cover the edges of the planter with just enough soil to
hide them so it looks like the other half is buried.
I love how it appears that the plant is 'growing' out of
the half buried planter.
And with the broken half that I hammered away from the
good half, I hammer the pieces small enough to use in the
bottom of another planter for drainage.
There is no waste of a terra cotta, or clay pot, at my
house. :-)


You can glue them back together with white or yellow
carpenter`s glue, or cement milk. (Cement and water)
Usually that is stronger than original, but if you are
worried, you can get the mesh that the sheet rockers use
for gypsum board, smear some cement milk in the break
area, dip the mesh in cement milk and slap it on.
The rest of the pot may get broken some day, but that
repair will remain solid.
You can also wash the pot with cement milk to give it a
grey, rock color appearance.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Eagle flight

____________________________________________________

A college freshman, returning home for the summer,
was discussing the problems of living at college. He was
commenting on the cost of food, power, insurance and the
other costs of living that we must all endure. Mom
commented back to her son that she knew just how he felt.

He got a puzzled look and said “how would you know mom?
You still live at home”.
___________________________________________________


 
Kids are awesome!

Thanks to Dave for this story:
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year,  Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000
years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
already had a telephone  network one thousand years
ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,
American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US
papers read: "US scientists have found traces of silica,
indicating 2000 year old optical fibres, and have
concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-
tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the
Russians."

One week later, the  Canadian newspapers reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres,  Canadian
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless technology.

------------------
Yep. That's right. Smoke signals are definitely wireless.
To this day half the Government is accusing it the other
half, that their posturing is just smoke and mirrors,
while those in turn are trying to tax smoking out of
Canadian life. However, if everybody stopped smoking, the
Government couldn't afford medicare!



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 5
1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second
trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa
Gloria. 

1798 U.S. Secretary of War William McHenry ordered that
the USS Constitution be made ready for sea. The frigate
was launched on October 21, 1797, but had never been put
to sea. 

1809 Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a
woman. It was for technique for weaving straw with silk
and thread. 

1814 The British attacked the American forces at Ft.
Ontario, Oswego, NY. 

1834 The first mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 

1862 The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as
Cinco de Mayo Day. 

1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing
slavery in the U.S. 

1891 Music Hall was dedicated in New York City. It was
later renamed Carnegie Hall. 

1892 The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese
Exclusion Act for 10 more years. The act required Chinese
in the U.S. to be registered or face deportation. 

1901 The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at
the Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 

1912 Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began
publishing. 

1916 U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 

1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was
arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. 

1926 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in
Germany for the first time. 

1926 Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for
"Arrowsmith." 

1936 Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on
bottle cap with a pour lip. 

1945 The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi
control. 

1945 A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain
in Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed.


1955 The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became
a sovereign state. 

1961 Alan Shepard became the first American in space when
he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. 

1984 The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paraná River between
Brazil and Paraguay. 

1987 The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 

2017  smiled.






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Pints 
Thursday, May 4, 2017, 06:58 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 4

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Illegal alien from Dominican Republic escaped after
sentencing for murder, then killed one deputy and 
injured another one.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 4 in
1493 Alexander VI divided non-Christian world 
between Spain and Portugal. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on 
money and short on mistakes.
--- Aaron McGruder
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

>From Annie:
Living in Washington State, my husband and I often
take car trips to Canada to visit his family. Once
when we stopped at the border, the guard asked my 
husband the value of any goods we would be leaving 
in Canada. My husband paused to think of the value 
of the gifts we had with us.

"Never mind," the guard said, "What's the most
expensive thing in your car?"

Without hesitation, my husband replied, "My wife."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had 
prepared, the husband asked, 
"What did you marinate this in?"

The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation

about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the 
same without him.

She must have seen the confused look on her husbands face,

because she inquired, "What did you ask me?"

When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and 
said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband 
called out, "Hey, hon, WOULD you marry me again?"

Without hesitation she replied, 
"Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Wesley Correa-Carmenaty, 
22,
Council Bluffs, 
Iowa

Illegal alien from Dominican Republic escaped after
sentencing for murder, then killed one deputy and 
injured another one.

The Pottawattamie County deputy killed by an escaped
convict has been identified as Mark Burbridge. Deputy
Burbridge is a 12-year veteran of the Pottawattamie County
Sheriff's Office. Deputy Pat Morgan, a 10 year veteran,
was also shot. He is now in stable condition at an Omaha
hospital.

The deputies were transporting two prisoners from the
courthouse and arrived at the jail when the incident
occurred. Wesley Correa Carmenaty, 22, assaulted both
deputies. Correa Carmenaty was able to take one of the
deputies' firearms and shot both deputies. Correa
Carmenaty then fled the sally port in the jail van. He
crashed through west door of the jail, and left with the
van. Phyllis Malm was at the jail visiting her brother and
heard the gunshots.

“Before the gunshots, you heard a bunch of commotion. Then
you heard somebody saying 'he’s got a gun, he’s got a gun
and then you heard four shots go off,'” Malm said. “Here
comes this van barreling out from the other side, the exit
of the garage."

At the intersection of 16th and Big Lake Road, Correa
Carmenaty stopped the van and attempted to carjack an S10
pickup. The driver, Jerry Brittan, 30, was shot once. His
injuries are not life-threatening. Correa Carmenaty
carjacked Amy Kanger, 31, near 2500 Ave. of Avenue I.
Officials said he forced her back into the Nissan. Kanger
was dropped off at 5825 N. 30th at RL Liquor in Omaha. A
pursuit ensued involving NSP, DCSO, OPD Traffic, Marshals,
Gang Unit, CBPD and Pottawattamie County deputies.

The pursuit came to an end when Correa Carmenaty
reportedly crashed near I-480 and Cuming Street. He was
taken into custody without incident. Correa Carmenaty and
two others were charged in the slaying of Anthony Walker
during a botched robbery in March 2016. Correa Carmenaty
was sentenced Monday after pleading guilty to voluntary
manslaughter, attempted murder and two counts of robbery.

County Attorney Matt Wilber said Correa Carmenaty was
sentenced 45 years in prison with mandatory of 29.5 before
parole eligibility. He had his sentencing at 10 a.m.
Monday morning. Wilber said Correa Carmenaty wasn’t
remorseful during his sentencing. He spoke through an
interpreter. Wilber said during sentencing, Correa
Carmenaty said that Walker died because he shouldn’t have
gotten involved.

Correa Carmenaty is facing additional charges of 1st
degree murder, attempted murder and kidnapping. Additional
charges are pending.

He will get free room and board for a long time.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: John E
Re: Pints
Dear Webby
Looki about British measurment's! I have what I believe 
is an antique pewter tankard, no lid. In Britian it's 
called a tavern pot. Hallmarked and X'ed for fine pewter. 
Queen Vic. mark yada yada yada. The problem arises in 
that it is stamped to a line stating "Imperial pint"  
that line actually measures an american standard pint. 
My Bro. outlaw laughs and states that an Imperial pint 
is greater than ours. What do you in your bearded 
wisdom think?  
John E
From south of only one boarder.

Dear John
The US pint is indeed the same as the old Imperial pint
and is 0.83, about 4/5th of a modern UK pint.

When it comes to measurement units, Americans are 
loyal subjects of the (royal) British Empire, 
not of the (democratic) UK. That is why you use the 
Imperial pint and not the UK pint.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




>From Annie
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Store Extra Measuring Cups with Ingredients 
Because I bake things often, I have purchased several sets

of extra measuring cups and spoons I have found on sale 
days, I put the usual measure into the container for items

like flours, sugars, leavening agents, oatmeal, etc., and 
leave them there. Saves time and washing, and extra 
mess because I can keep the bowls over the container 
while measuring. 
By Joy
Just like you have done with
coffee, oatmeal, detergent, etc. all your life.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
more brawn than brains

____________________________________________________

>From Liz
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and
address him by name. Once during a particularly busy
check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit
card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk
said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
___________________________________________________


 
What a lot of imagination and work goes into these beautiful Chinese gardens. 

A man walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.

He replied, "I got the shingles....."

She interrupted him and said, "Fill out this form and
supply your name, address, medical insurance number.
When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came
out and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got the shingles...."

She too interrupted him and took down his height, weight,
and complete medical history, then said,
"Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he
had.

He said, "I got the shingles..."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and various other tests. Since she was
quite cute, he didn't object at all.
Then she told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked
him what he had. He said, "I got the shingles...."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination,
and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I
can't find shingles anywhere. "

The man replied, "They're outside in the $20/quarter hour
delivery truck. Where do you want me to dump them?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 4
1471 In England, the Yorkists defeated the Landcastrians
at the battle of Tewkesbury in the War of the Roses. 

1493 Alexander VI divided non-Christian world between
Spain and Portugal. 

1626 Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan
Island. Native Americans later sold the island (20,000
acres) for $24 in cloth and buttons. 

1715 A French manufacturer debuted the first folding
umbrella. 

1776 Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two
months before the Declaration of Independence was adopted.


1814 Napoleon Bonaparte disembarked at Portoferraio on the
island of Elba in the Mediterranean. 

1863 The Battle of Chancellorsville ended when the Union
Army retreated. 

1886 A bomb exploded on the fourth day of a workers'
strike in Chicago, IL. Eight people died in the violence
during violence that day. 

1886 Chichester Bell and Charles S. Tainter patented the
gramophone. It was the first practical phonograph. 

1904 The U.S. formally took control of the property for
construction of the Panama Canal. 

1905 Belmont Park opened in suburban Long Island. It
opened as the largest race track in the world. 

1916 Germany agreed to limit its submarine warfare after a
demand from U.S. President Wilson. 

1942 The Battle of the Coral Sea commenced as American and
Japanese carriers launched their attacks at each other. 

1942 The United States began food rationing. 

1970 The Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on students
during an anti-Vietnam war protest at Kent State
University. Four students were killed and nine others were
wounded. 

1979 Margaret Thatcher became Britain's first woman prime
minister. 

1981 The Federal Reserve Board raised its discount rate to
14%. 

1987 Live models were used for the first time in Playtex
bra ads. 

1994 Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO leader
Yasser Arafat signed a historic accord on Palestinian
autonomy that granted self-rule in the Gaza Strip and
Jericho. 

2000 The citizens of London elected their mayor for the
first time. 

2003 Idaho Gem was born. He was the first member of the
horse family to be cloned. 

2010 Pablo Picasso's "Nude, Green Leaves and Bust" sold
for $106.5 million. 

2012 In Las Vegas, NV, Google received the first self-
driving vehicle testing license. 

2017  smiled.






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Scandisk 
Wednesday, May 3, 2017, 09:06 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 3

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC robber threw stolen gun in trash when chased by cops,
while they watched
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 3 in
1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. 
There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
--- Henry Kissinger (1923 - )

It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in 
nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
My neighbor's mother-in-law is on AOL. I asked her "Why?"
She said that all of her friends are there.
So I asked her how much time she spends there.

"Oh, about 8 hours a day."

"What do you do there for all that time?", I asked.

"Mostly just bitch and bellyache about AOL."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Sam and Greg were out deer hunting. Sam was pretty new 
to this whole deer hunting thing, so Greg had told him all
about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc.

Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sam heard some 
noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went 
over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized 
he had shot his good friend Greg.

Sam rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a 
very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He 
told Sam, "The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could
have saved him,
if you had not gutted and cleaned him."
______________________________________________________



Warm Water at -40
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Brian Edwards,
19,
Spartanburg,
South Carolina

SC robber threw stolen gun in trash when chased by cops

Spartanburg police arrested a man Friday night outside of
Spring Fling after they say officers watched him throw a
gun away in a trash can.

After police caught the man, they realized the gun was
stolen and that the suspect had outstanding warrants.

Brian Edwards, 19, of Spartanburg was arrested on charges
of armed robbery, unlawful possession of a weapon, and
pointing and presenting a firearm.

Officers noticed Edwards walking with a firearm near the
library on South Church Street. Officers went to approach
Edwards when he ran, to which they say he threw a firearm
into a trash can at the corner of Broad and S Church St.

Other officers apprehended Edwards while they examined the
firearm which came back as stolen. The gun was a 9-
millimeter Glock  with a fully extended clip with one
round in the chamber, according to the report.

The weapon was stolen from an armed robbery in March,
according to Spartanburg County deputies.

A man called deputies on March 26th at a Waffle House on
Chesnee Highway, to report being robbed at gunpoint. The
victim told deputies that two men robbed him of his Iphone
and gun.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Richi
Re: Scandisk vs Diskkeeper
Dear Webby
I have simple question...Are Diskkeeper and scan disk the
same thing?and how often do you recommend to run it?tyvm
for all of your insite and help.its gr8ly appreciated and
which one to use?
Richi

Dear Richi, 
Scandisk is an old DOS program. Most likely it won`t work
on your computer unless you have Windows 98 or older.

Diskeeper is a program you can buy, however, if you have
any external USB connected drives, don`t bother. It won`t
work on those. You will need something from THIS
Millennium. 
Glary Utilities has a free Defragger included. Don`t try
the rest of their utilities without first making a
complete backup, but their defragger is excellent!

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Thanks to Dianne for this one:
Father Murphy roared from the pulpit to his
parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots
their stomachs and they die in agony.

Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and
you die in agony.

Overeating and consorting with loose women have 
also killed millions."

"Scuse me, Father," hollered O'Reilly from the back,
"but what is it that kills the people who live right?"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Container Gardening on a Deck
 By Kenneth Schwab [10 Posts]

I am getting older and working on my knees to garden is
getting harder for me so I studied up on container
gardening and added these colorful items to my deck. When
the plants flower and ripen, it will add much more color.
By Kenneth S. from Copperas Cove, TX

You can use extra buckets 3/4 filled with dirt as
pedestals for the actual flower or veggie buckets. That
raises them to a more comfortable height and is still nice
and stable. Don't put them on top of upside down empty
buckets or the first good wind might knock them over.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Part ballet, part art

____________________________________________________

A man decides to take the opportunity while
his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits,
and gets the seat stuck to her rear.

She is understandably distraught about this
and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover
the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts
his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen
anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not
framed like that."
___________________________________________________


 
Perfectly timed pictures.


Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce.

Lawyer: Are you married?

Wife: Yes, of course.

Lawyer: Can you afford my fees? $5000 down and 
           39% of the take, ahem awards?
Wife: Yes.

Lawyer: Then you have grounds.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 3
1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of
Spanish. 

1859 France declared war on Austria. 

1888 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Works. 

1916 Irish nationalist Padraic Pearse and two others were
executed by the British for their roles in the Easter
Rising. 

1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 

1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua and stayed until
1933. 

1926 In Britain, trade unions began a general strike. 

1927 Francis E.J. Wilde of Meadowmere Park, NY, patented
the electric sign flasher. 

1944 Wartime rationing of most grades of meats ended in
the U.S. 

1944 Dr. Robert Woodward and Dr. William Doering produced
the first synthetic quinine at Harvard University. 

1945 Indian forces captured Rangoon, Burma, from the
Japanese. 

1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that covenants
prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks and other
minorities were legally unenforceable. 

1952 The first airplane landed at the geographic North
Pole. 

1968 After three days of battle, the U.S. Marines retook
Dai Do complex in Vietnam. They found that the North
Vietnamese had evacuated the area. 

1971 Anti-war protesters began four days of demonstrations
in Washington, DC. 

1971 National Public Radio broadcast for the first time. 

1986 In NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned
Delta rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after
liftoff. Safety officers destroyed it by remote control. 

1988 The White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy
Reagan had used astrological advice to help schedule her
husband's activities. 

1992 Five days of rioting and looting ended in Los
Angeles, CA. The riots, that killed 53 people, began after
the acquittal of police officers in the beating of Rodney
King. 

1997 The "Republic of Texas" surrendered to authorities
ending an armed standoff where two people were held
hostage. The group asserts the independence of Texas from
the U.S. 

1999 Mark Manes, at age 22, was arrested for supplying a
gun to Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold, who later killed 13
people at Columbine High School in Colorado. 

2006 In Alexandria, VA, Al-Quaida conspirator Zacarias
Moussaoui was given a sentence of life in prison for his
role in the terrorist attack on the U.S. on September 11,
2001. 

2017  smiled.






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Caution with Glary Utilities! 
Tuesday, May 2, 2017, 12:23 PM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 2

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC Woman passed out behind wheel with kid in car.
Had meth, neddles, but no license and no insurance.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 2 in
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's King
Charles II. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000
vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may
have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.
unknown, Popular Mechanics, March 1949
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received 
a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking 
care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend 
asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly 
explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever 
had has already died and gone on to heaven. 
I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

The little girl is just chattering on to the dozen or so
other
people on the elevator about what a GREAT time she had
on the Disney Cruise ship.  There was this to do and there
was that to do.  Everyone is smiling at her.  Mom kind of
shrugs and says, "We went on the cruise a year ago and
she's *still* talking about it."

The little girl said, "Even mom and dad had a great time on
the ship!"  To the utter embarrassment of mom, the little
girl nods her head to the baby and says, "Mom calls the
baby, 'Our little Souvenir' "
______________________________________________________



The Superbloom is happening now further North 
in the Central Valley area.
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Brandi Deann Brigman, 
31, 
Chesnee,
South Carolina

SC Woman passed out behind wheel with kid in car.
Had meth, neddles, but no license and no insurance.

A mom with meth is accused of passing out behind the wheel
of a car with a small child in the backseat, according to
Spartanburg County sheriff’s deputies.

They say it happened Sunday on Highway 357 in Lyman.

Deputies say a man on the scene told them he tried to wake
up the woman, but she was unresponsive.

The woman was slumped over the wheel and the car was still
running, while a small child was unbuckled in the backseat,
according to an incident report.

The deputy says there was no way to buckle the child in with
all the clutter in the car.

The deputy says they were able to wake the woman up.

She was identified as Brandi Deann Brigman, 31, of Chesnee.

Brigman told the deputy she drove to the store to buy an
alcoholic drink to help with a UTI she thought she had.

Meth was found in Brigman’s jacket pocket, according to the
deputy.

Brigman failed a field sobriety test and was arrested for
DUI, according to the report.

Brigman was read her Miranda rights and reportedly told the
deputy she had a bag in her car that had needles and a pipe
in it.

The deputy found 7 needles with meth inside, a pipe and a
spoon with white residue, according to the report.

Brigman told the deputy she was going to register her
vehicle and get insurance when she could.

The report says Brigman was under suspension with a prior
driving under suspension charge within five years.

Brigman is charged with:
DUI 1st offense
Child endangerment
DUS 2nd offense
Uninsured vehicle fee violation 1st Offense

Looks like they forgot about the meth and accessories.
Or maybe the paper had only room for 4 Offenses.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Moe
Re: Caution with Glary Utilities
Dear Webby
STOP! 
Don`t use the registry fixer and other utilities in Glary
Utilities. They are crap and tend to cause problems.
The defragmenter works great, just don`t mess with the other
stuff without doing a total back-up!
Moe

Dear Moe, 
Right, and never try two fixes at the same time.
Do one, and see what works or doesnt.

`Have FUN!
DearWebby



After preaching, we were invited out for lunch. I casually 
mentioned to the lady that I was allergic to cats.

"That's okay Pastor," the woman said.  "I can cook 
something else."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Building a Stackable Potato Tower
 
By lalala... [825 Posts, 106 Comments]

Save gardening space potatoes and grow tons of potatoes by
building this stackable potato planter. This page gives you
step by step instructions to make a stackable potato
planter.

Growing potatoes is easy with this stackable planter. As the
plants grow, simply add another frame and more soil.

Supplies:
8 2x6 boards (10 ft)
2 2x2 boards (8 ft)
screws
outdoor latex paint
paint brushes
power screw driver
saw
tape measure

Steps in building the Potato tower

I did something similar in the
Yukon. I got a bunch of same size car tires from the dump,
stacked them, hammered in two pieces of concrete rebar for
guides just inside the tires, and then tossed dirt and
potato pieces into it. The tires absorbed more heat, and in
spring I used a plexiglass lid for a greenhouse roof.

Potato harvest was adequate considering the low effort put
into it.

I learned a much more effective and productive method later.
Raised bed for fashionable ease on ones aching back,
filled with compost, containing a fair bit of fish heads and
tails, and forest dirt. 
Then I tossed potato pieces onto the dirt, and covered it
with an old bed sheet.
Then I bent some concrete rebar into tunnel hoops, 
sleeved them with old garden hose, and covered the tunnel
with plastic.
After a couple of weeks the bedsheet raised up in spots,
where potato plants were growing underneath. So I duck-taped
a sharp fish knife onto a rake, reached into the tunnel and
stabbed the sheet where plants were raising it.
After that they grew fast! Naturally I watered them whenever
they looked wilted.

From mid summer on I could reach in under the sheet and
harvest a meal`s worth of clean potatoes. 

Those cheater harvests did not slow them down at all.

Naturally, you don`t really need a high-bed, if your back is
good and you like bending down. The potatoes dont care.

Potatoes grow OK in northern climates, but much better with
a bit more heat and water. Putting a plastic tunnel over
them at least doubles the crop.
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Will Smith - Face Your Fears

____________________________________________________

Little Johnny went with his mom and dad to his grandmother's
house for dinner.  When little Johnny received his plate he
started eating right away.

"Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't have to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted.  "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained.  "But this is
Grandma's house.  She KNOWS how to cook!"
___________________________________________________


 
People are awesome!  Best of the month.

Anni was puzzled by the odd messages left on her 
answering machine. Day after day, friends and family would
talk and then say, "Beep."

She discovered the reason for the joke when she decided 
to listen to her greeting.

"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a 
beep after the message."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 2
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's King
Charles II. 

1776 France and Spain agreed to donate arms to American
rebels fighting the British. 

1797 A mutiny in the British navy spread from Spithead to
the rest of the fleet. 

1798 The black General Toussaint L’ouverture forced British
troops to agree to evacuate the port of Santo Domingo. 

1808 The citizens of Madrid rose up against Napoleon. 

1813 Napoleon defeated a Russian and Prussian army at
Grossgorschen. 

1853 Franconi’s Hippodrome opened at Broadway and 23rd
Street in New York City. 

1863 Confederate Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was wounded
by his own men in the battle of Chancellorsville, VA. He
died 8 days later. 

1865 U.S. President Andrew Johnson offered $100,000 reward
for the capture of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. 

1885 The Congo Free State was established by King Leopold II
of Belgium. 

1885 The magazine "Good Housekeeping" was first published. 

1887 Hannibal W. Goodwin applied for a patent on celluloid
photographic film. This is the film from which movies are
shown. 

1890 The Oklahoma Territory was organized. 

1902 "A Trip to the Moon," the first science fiction film
was released. It was created by magician George Melies. 

1922 WBAP-AM began broadcasting in north Texas. 

1926 In India, Hindu women gained the right to seek elected
office. 

1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to put down a revolt
and to protect U.S. interests. They did not depart until
1933. 

1933 Hitler banned trade unions in Germany. 

1941 Hostilities broke out between British forces in Iraq
and that country’s pro-German faction. 

1941 The Federal Communications Commission agreed to let
regular scheduling of TV broadcasts by commercial TV
stations begin on July 1, 1941. This was the start of
network television. 

1945 Russians took Berlin after 12 days of fierce house-to-
house fighting. The Allies announced the surrender of Nazi
troops in Italy and parts of Austria. 

1946 Prisoners revolted at California's Alcatraz prison. 

1960 Caryl Chessman was executed. He was a convicted sex
offender and had become a best selling author while on death
row. 

1965 The "Early Bird" satellite was used to transmit
television pictures across the Atlantic. 

1969 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) made its maiden
voyage. 

1970 Student anti-war protesters at Ohio's Kent State
University burn down the campus ROTC building. The National
Guard took control of the campus. 

1982 The British submarine HMS Conqueror sank Argentina's
only cruiser, the General Belgrano during the Falkland
Islands War. More than 350 people died. 

1994 Nelson Mandela claimed victory after South Africa's
first democratic elections. 

1999 In Panama, Mireya Moscoso de Grubar, of the Armulfista
Party, was elected president. 

2017  smiled.






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Excellent defragger 
Monday, May 1, 2017, 10:24 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 1

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
SC woman arrested at 10 am for drunk driving, 
urinated on police station floor after arrest.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, May 1 in
1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to 
fund an expedition to the West Indies. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees,
then names the streets after them.
--- Bill Vaughan

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary
from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a
black eye.
--- Miss Piggy
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

From Mina
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to
let him move into the basement.  Then I realized how
convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table.
Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and
scream his name.  Now all I had to do was flick the
basement light off and on, and he was here.

One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened.  I
did it several more times.  "I'm on my way," my son called
up. 
"You didn't have to yell."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Some Ads!
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. 
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. 
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. 
Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one. 

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. 
Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook 
with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head 
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- 
Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Revonda Randolph Henderson,
67,
Chesnee,
South Carolina

SC woman arrested at 10 am for drunk driving, 
urinated on police station floor after arrest.

A Chesnee woman accused of DUI, pulled down her pants in
peed in the testing room, according to a report from the
Spartanburg Co. Sheriff’s Office.

Spartanburg Co. deputies say they stopped Revonda Henderson
for driving erratically on 4/19 around 10:00 am/m
The deputy said he smelled an odor of alcohol coming from
Henderson.

She told the deputy she had drunk 2 malt liquors and they
were still in the vehicle.

The deputy said she had trouble walking and keeping her
balance. He said she had to reach out and grab his arm to
keep her balance. She failed the field sobriety test and was
arrested for DUI, according to the report.

When she was placed in the patrol car she started to curse
the deputies and threatened to punch the deputies. The
report says they got her to the jail and she refused to
provide a breath sample.

She then pulled down her pants and urinated on the floor of
the testing room, according to the report.

She is charged with DUI 1st Offense and Open Container in
Vehicle, according to the detention center.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Moe
Re: Defragmenters

Dear Webby
http://www.glarysoft.com/disk-speedup/

This is my favorite now.
Seems to list all the drives i have connected.
And it does file placement if user wants a slow weekly or
night defrag.

Puts all the unused stuff out by the slower access tracks.
And the high use stuff on outer tracks where more data sits
on a track.
Less seek time?
Not mean much nowadays probably.

But it leaves the center for working storage space.

Can see when defragging done that the unused stuff not have
many frag bits.
So runs faster.
Moe

Dear Moe, and FranticFran
I downloaded and tried the free version of the Glary
Utilities.
First I used the included start-up manger. It showed me all
kinds of obsolete and useless stuff, for example all the
reporting to Microsoft about what I do. Total waste. They
are not interested in what we DO, otherwise they would not
have foisted the W10 user interface on us. So I unchecked
all of the stuff that is not doing anything useful FOR ME.

Then I went to the disk speed up part.
Analyze took a while, but not as long as some other programs
did. Then I hit defrag and let it do it's thing.

There is no point watching it do it's Tetris style shuffling
of colored blocks, so I did other work. While it was doing
the defrag some activities were slower. That is normal and
expected. I was pleasantly surprised how little it
interfered with work.

After a surprisingly short time everything speeded up and
when I looked, the Tetris game was finished and all drives
were defragged. 

Nice job, Glary!
There are still more goodies in the free version, that I
have not tried yet. And some day I will probably try the PRO
version.

For now I can definitely recommend the Glary Utilities.

Thanks Moe for telling me about it.


A word of caution:
In case you get drastic with eliminating all kinds of stuff
from the hidden start-up schedule, stuff that LOOKS useless,
do a back-up before you get too rambunctious! Some useless
looking stuff might be needed by some program.
Glary doesn't really delete them, just unchecks them from
the start-up schedule.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Thanks to Barry for this picture:

One quick shake of the head, 
and dog will get yelled at for an hour.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Tough Meat Marinade
 
Instead of buying that expensive cut of meat, try this
marinade with a less expensive cut.
Ingredients:
1/2 cup vinegar
1 cup beef bouillon
Directions:
Put in NON-METAL pan or dish overnight to marinade.
By Roberta

 
Victor Borge - Franz Liszt 
- Hungarian Rhapsody #2

____________________________________________________

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible
pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd
gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the
bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a
chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a
pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last
request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to
my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my
instrument bag open."
___________________________________________________


 

16 of the oldest household objects in the world.


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their 
conversation was constantly interrupted by people 
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for 
free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, 
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for 
legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, 
"and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor 
prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place 
them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on May 1
0408 Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of
Constantinople. 

1308 King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he
refused his share of the Habsburg lands. 

1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund
an expedition to the West Indies. 

1707 England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great
Britain. 

1805 The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed
slaves to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or
deportation. 

1863 In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began.
General Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union
troops under General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General
Stonewall Jackson was mortally wounded by his own soldiers
in this battle. (May 1-4) 

1867 Reconstruction in the South began with black voter
registration. 

1877 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal
troops from the South, ending Reconstruction. 

1883 William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West
Show. 

1884 The construction of the first American 10-story
building began in Chicago, IL. 

1889 Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The
Atlanta Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug
business as "sole proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious.
Refreshing. Exhilarating. Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not
actually achieve sole ownership until 1891 at a cost of
$2,300. 

1898 The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at
Manila Bay in the Philippines. 

1905 In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 

1915 A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 

1927 Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 

1931 The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and
opened. It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building
in the world at the time. 

1934 The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for
independence. 

1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of
neutrality, keeping the United States out of World War II. 

1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made
its first flight. 

1945 Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler,
escaped from the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on
Berlin. 

1945 Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the
Third Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed
suicide. 

1948 The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea)
was proclaimed. 

1958 James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts
encircled Earth. 

1960 Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over
the Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 

1961 Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections
in Cuba. 

1967 Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua.


1968 In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the
support of naval fire, continue their attack on a North
Vietnamese Division at Dai Do. 

1970 Students at Kent State University riot in downtown
Kent, OH, in protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 

1971 The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went
into service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run
the nation's intercity railroads. 

1981 The Japanese government announced that it would limit
passenger car exports to the United States over the next
three years. 

1986 The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear
power plant accident. 

1986 Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford
Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of
212.229 mph. 

1992 On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting
from the Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public
to appeal for calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 

1998 Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts
that lacked federal approval in the U.S. 

1999 On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers
discovered the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in
June of 1924 while trying to become the first person to
reach the summit of Everest. At the time of the discovery it
was unclear whether or not Mallory had actually reached the
summit. 

2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her
remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002.
California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the
case due to his relationship with Levy. 

2011 It was announced that U.S. soldiers had killed Osama
bin Laden in Pakistan.

2017  smiled.






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Does Diskeeper still work? No. 
Sunday, April 30, 2017, 10:00 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 30

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Three charged after Freeport home invasion
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 29 in
0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
A cult is a religion with no political power.
--- Tom Wolfe (1931 - )

I will never be an old man. 
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
--- Bernard M. Baruch (1870 - 1965)

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have 
the time or the money to do it right.
--- Kurt Herbert Alder
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Tony went to the doctor and told him that he couldn't 
hear himself fart.
So the doctor gave Tony some pills.
Tony asked him, "Will these make me hear better?"

Doc replied, "No, but they will make you fart louder."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

>From Bill Jr
I think my Grandson best summed up my feelings about 
abstract art. We were looking at a painting with a wild 
mish-mash of colors and he asked, "What's that?"

I said, "It's supposed to be a cowboy on his horse."

"Well," he continued, "Why isn't it? If he's not good enough
that you can reckonize it wifout reading the label, then 
he should practise at home and not hang it up here!"
______________________________________________________

From my dad. He is getting crowded out of his 
breakfast nook.


______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Muhammad Abdul-Haq, 18,
Harun Abdul-Haq, 19,
Zaakir Abdul-Haq, 23,
Freeport,
Illinois

Three charged after Freeport home invasion

Three men arrested on several charges stemming from a Sunday
morning home invasion, Freeport Deputy Chief Matt Summers
said.

Harun Abdul-Haq, 19, of the 900 block of East Shawnee
Street, and Muhammad Abdul-Haq, 18, of the 1300 block of
West Elm Street, were charged with armed robbery, aggravated
battery, residential burglary, conspiracy to commit a home
invasion and theft under $500. Their bonds were set at
$100,000 each.

Summers said the two, who police believe to be brothers,
knocked at the door of a home in the 1200 block of South
Blackhawk Avenue around 3:45 a.m. They used an undescribed
ruse before a resident to let them inside and then they
threatened to shoot the victim. They stole about $50 and a
cell phone.

Summers said the resident told police he knew one of the men
was related to a particular family.

During the course of their investigation, police also
arrested Zaakir Abdul-Haq, 23, of the 1400 block of West
Beach Street on a charge of aggravated unlawful use of a
weapon and two alleged firearm owner’s identification card
violations.

His bond was set at $40,000.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: FranticFran
Re: Diskeeper

Dear Webby
You used to promote Diskeeper as the best defrag program.
But I have not seen your links to it for some time.
Did they not keep up with the times?
FranticFran

Dear FranticFran
That is exactly what happened.
First they had issues with high resolution monitors,
then when they got that almost fixed by using a huge, klutzy
font, then they fell down on USB connected external drives.

If you have USB connected external drives, then Diskeeper is
a total waste of installation time. Nowadays, when almost
everybody has a big external drive attached, you simply need
a better program than Diskeeper.

There are many available, and experts fight lengthy
religious battles about which one is better. 
I will ask Moe for his recommendation. He does comparison
tests of defrag programs. Look for his report right here
later in the week.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



>From Paulie
According to a CBS poll, women are much better liars 
than men. 
At least that's what THEY say . . . 
so, how will we ever know? 



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com

Making Soda Can Plant Labels
 
By EllenB [810 Posts, 1 Comment]
One of my favorite garden crafts is making homemade plant
labels from aluminum cans and wire clothes hangers. Not only
are they inexpensive and durable, but these labels are
actually attractive and fun to make. They are designed to
dangle freely on their supports, so when the wind blows
their movement makes a gentle clinking noise, turning your
tiny reflective plant labels into a collective army of
rabbit repellents.

Materials:
assorted aluminum soda/beer cans
wire clothes hangers
gloves (to protect hands when cutting cans)
old steak knife
scissors
needle-nose pliers
paper punch
ball-point pen
embellishment tools used (from Michaels craft store): 
scrapbooking scissors (Fiskars) 
3 in 1 corner punch (Fiskars) 
flower-shaped decorative brads (Provo Craft)

Directions:
Put on your gloves.
Use the tip of your scissors to punch a small hole on the
side of each end of the can. If your scissors isn't sharp
enough, use a steak knife or screwdriver to get the hole
started.

Using your scissors, cut off the top and bottom of the can
and discard the ends in your recycling bin. If you need to,
trim off any excess sharp edges from the remaining piece of
aluminum and finesse it a bit until it lays pretty flat.

Cut individual labels from the remaining piece of aluminum
according to the desired size. The shape and style of your
labels is highly personal. Cut them into circles, triangles,
rectangles, even flowers. To add some decorative flair, use
fancy corner punches or try trimming the edges with
scrapbooking scissors.
I add color-coded brads to my labels (I found some in the
shape of flowers). This helps me organize my plantings and
remember what color flower is coming up where. You're only
limited by your imagination so have fun with it! Just don't
forget to leave room to punch a hole for hanging and space
to write down the name of the plant.

To write names of plants on your labels, lay them on top of
a notebook or thick stack of newspaper and press down hard
with a ball point pen. Make sure to press hard enough so
that when the ink wears off, the name stays imprinted in the
metal. Create a hole for hanging using a paper punch (or a
hammer and nail).
Finally, use a wire cutter or tin snips to cut 7-8 inch long
support pieces from wire coat hangers. Make an "S" hook at
one end using a needle-nose pliers, hang the label on the
hook, and pinch the "S" shut to keep it from falling off.
Voila! You've got durable, inexpensive plant labels!




 
guilty dogs

____________________________________________________

Little  had been to a birthday party at a 
friend's house. 
Knowing 's sweet tooth the mother looked 
straight into 's eyes and said, "I hope you 
didn't ask for a second piece of cake!"

"No," replied , 
"but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make 
some like it, and she gave me two more pieces 
without me asking."
___________________________________________________


 
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.


A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats.

Four small children scurried around her.  Her husband, 
coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.  
"Here,"  she said, handing him the coats.  
"This time you put the kids into their coats, and I'll go
honk the horn." 



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 30
0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 

0313 Licinius unified the whole of the eastern Roman empire
under his own rule. 

1250 King Louis IX of France was ransomed for one million
dollars. 

1527 Henry VIII and King Francis of France signed the treaty
of Westminster. 

1725 Spain withdrew from Quadruple Alliance. 

1789 George Washington took office as first elected U.S.
president. 

1803 The U.S. purchased the Louisiana Territory from France
for $15 million. 

1812 Louisiana admitted as the 18th U.S. state. 

1849 The republican patriot and guerrilla leader Giuseppe
Garabaldi repulsed a French attack on Rome. 

1864 Work began on the Dams along the Red River. The work
would allow Union General Nathaniel Banks' troops to sail
over the rapids above Alexandria, Louisiana. 

1900 Casey Jones was killed while trying to save the runaway
train "Cannonball Express." 

1930 The Soviet Union proposed a military alliance with
France and Great Britain. 

1938 Happy Rabbit appeared in the cartoon "Porky's Hare
Hunt." This rabbit would later evolve into Bugs Bunny. 

1939 The first railroad car equipped with fluorescent lights
was put into service. The train car was known as the
"General Pershing Zephyr." 

1943 The British submarine HMS Seraph dropped 'the man who
never was,' a dead man the British planted with false
invasion plans, into the Mediterranean off the coast of
Spain. 

1945 Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had
been married for one day. One week later Germany surrendered
unconditionally. 

1947 The name of Boulder Dam, in Nevada, was changed back to
Hoover Dam. 

1948 The Organization of American States (OAS) held its
first meeting in Bogota, Colombia. The institution's goal
was to facilitate better relations between the member
nations and to help prevent the spread of communism in the
Western Hemisphere. 

1952 Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised
on network television. 

1953 The British West Indian colonies agreed on the
formation of the British Caribbean Federation that would
eventually become a self-governing unit in the British
Commonwealth. 

1964 The FCC ruled that all TV receivers should be equipped
to receive both VHF and UHF channels. 

1968 U.S. Marines attacked a division of North Vietnamese in
the village of Dai Do. 

1970 U.S. troops invaded Cambodia to disrupt North
Vietnamese Army base areas. The announcement by U.S.
President Nixon led to widespread protests. 

1972 The North Vietnamese launched an invasion of the South.


1975 Communist North Vietnamese troops entered the
Independence Palace of South Vietnam in Saigon. 11 Marines
lifted off of the U.S. Embassy were the last soldiers to
evacuate. 

1980 Terrorists seized the Iranian Embassy in London. 

1984 U.S. President Reagan signed cultural and scientific
agreements with China. He also signed a tax accord that
would make it easier for American companies to operate in
China. 

1991 An estimated 125,000 people were killed in a cyclone
that hit Bangladesh. 

1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public
domain. 

1993 Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis
match in Hamburg, Germany. The man called himself a fan of
second-ranked Steffi Graf. He was convicted of causing
grievous bodily harm and received a suspended sentence. 

1998 NATO was expanded to include Poland, Hungary and the
Czech Republic. The three nations were formally admitted the
following April at NATO's 50th anniversary summit. 

1998 United and Delta airlines announced their alliance that
would give them control of 1/3 of all U.S. passenger seats. 

1998 In the U.S., Federal regulators fined a contractor
$2.25 million for improper handling of oxygen canisters on
ValuJet that crashed in the Florida Everglades in 1996. 

2002 Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was overwhelmingly
approved for another five years as president.

2012 One World Trade Center became the tallest structure in
New York when it surpassed the height of the Empire State
Building. 

2015 NASA's Messenger spacecraft crashed into the surface of
Mercury. The space probe sent back more than 270,000
pictures to earth.

2017  smiled.






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Minimum distance for close-ups 
Saturday, April 29, 2017, 08:20 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, April 29

Pretty snow this morning again.
Here is a pictuer of my Saskatoon berry bushes, not white
with flowers like during the warm period, but white with
snow.

Click through for large size.

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teacher, 28, and husband face jail after she had 
sex with student after her hubby plied teen with 
booze and watched them having sex.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 29 in
1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los
Angeles policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54
people were killed in 3 days. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
--- Larry Gelbart 

It is good to be without vices, 
but it is not good to be without temptations.
--- Walter Bagehot
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

>From Myrna
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check.
They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks,
and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the
doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"
So she walked over and stood on his foot.

He tried to step back and promptly fell over.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks to Diana for this story:
At dawn the telephone rings. 
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo, your country house 
caretaker."
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is  there a 
problem?" 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot 
died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that 
bird. Oh  well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse, Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died 
from all  that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain 
caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! 
What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother-in-law's!  She showed up one night, out of the 
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your
new 
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Arnaldo, if you broke that driver, you are fired!"
______________________________________________________

Thanks to Lillemor for this one:


______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Jessica Storer, 28,
Derrick Storer, 33
Pandora-Gilboa,
ohio

Teacher, 28, and husband face jail after she had 
sex with student after her hubby plied teen with 
booze and watched them having sex.

Jessica Storer, 28, bedded one of her pupils after hubby
Derrick, 33, plied him with alcohol, a court heart.
The romp occurred the morning after the pair invited the 18-
year-old and other youngsters to their house.

"Mrs. Storer engaged in sexual intercourse with the student
while he was still under the influence of alcohol."
prosecutor Lilly Shun said.
Storer told the hearing the lad was not drunk. But Ms Shun
said he had admitted being under the influence.

Judge Randall Basinger asked Storer what happened.

"I was engaged in sexual conduct with an 18-year-old
student," she said.

The blonde mum met him while a substitute teacher at
Pandora-Gilboa High School, Ohio, USA.

She could be jailed for up to five years after pleading
guilty to sexual battery last November. Six counts of giving
alcohol to a minor were dismissed in a plea deal at Putnam
County Court.

But she will have to register as a sex offender for life.
She will be sentenced after the judge gets a background
report on her.

Her husband admitted three charges of giving booze to a
minor and faces up to six months on each count when
sentenced on May 16.

Police Chief Scott Stant arrested Storer last December 21
after a tip off.

The student told him he was at the teacher’s Pandora home on
the evening of November 25 and spent the night there after
drinking alcohol.

He had intercourse with her the next morning – and she
admitted it when quizzed by Stant on December 13, said court
records.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: John
Re: Close-ups limits

Dear Webby
Regarding your explanation of fuzzy close-ups...Also note...
every lens has a minimum focal distance.  If you are closer
than that minimum (usually the center of the frame) it will
be blurry. 

Regards,
John 

Dear John
Right.
Nowadays that minimum limit is 8 to 12 inches.
It is always better to give it some extra distance,
at maximum resolution, and crop the picture later,
on the computer.

Providing some extra light also helps a lot.
Avoid dead-on flash, so that you dont get a flat looing
picture and deer-in-the-headlights stare.

Have you ever seen clip-art depicting photographers in the
1800s and early 1900's, holding up a flash pan.
Here is one:

Hold the flash, a slave flash preferably, up and to the side
like that photogrpher does, to get perfect contrast.
Slave Flash units are cheap. I have seen them for $12.

For indoor or group photography in low light conditions a
slave flash is an excellent tool.

In the old days, before electricity, they produced the flash
by igniting a mixture of gun powder and magnesium in a
metal dust-pan. The biggest magnesium flash ever set off was
for taking a picture in a stadium. It was rather smoky in
there after that!

Check Amazon for a battery powered slave flash suitable for
your camera. It won't smoke, but make a huge difference with
group or close up pictures.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




And the world's Number One Thinnest Book 
MY BOOK OF MORALS 
by Bill Clinton
with introduction 
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

That caused somebody named Jessie and two other people
to unsubscribe, and somebody named Hilary gave gift
subscriptions to seventeen people. 



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reusing Refrigerator Baking Soda 
By Bella Blue [47 Posts, 5 Comments]

No need to throw away that box of baking soda from your
refrigerator when it is time to replace it. While it is not
good for cooking, there are a lot of ways to use it up.

I also use the baking soda in my bathwater. It's known to
really pull out toxins in your body when paired with Epsom
salts and a few drops of lavender essential oil. I use 1/2
to 1 cup of both Epsom salt and baking soda. If you don't
believe me try it yourself. The color of the bath water
shows you just how much it pulls out of you, it's relaxing
too!

It also helps clean off residue left by other cleaners and
soaps. A tablespoon or two tossed right in the clothes
washer can help with extra smelly laundry. Especially men's
gym socks and pet beds, it really gets the smell out and
whitens whites, but doesn't hurt darks. It can also be used
to de-funk a washing machine or dishwasher. A couple
tablespoons is all you need for that.

I have used it to help remove bird poop from perches and
cages. It is safe to use around them, which isn't true of
most cleaners. Baking soda also works great for cleaning
walls and grout as well.

So now once the baking soda is done keeping my refrigerator
smelling fresh I use it for cleaning, bathing, and I even
use some sprinkled in the garbage cans to absorb smells too.


 
Skylight

____________________________________________________

>From Arvid

Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up
the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds.  So, I
went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out
of its tunnel.  As I left the house, I overheard my daughter
saying, "There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole
hills." 
___________________________________________________


 
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.

The butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the 
door. "Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a 
turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one. We have some guests coming over."

"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes 
into the freezer and discovers that there's only one 
scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

"That one's too skinny. What else have you got?" the 
man asks.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits 
a few minutes, then brings the same turkey back out to 
the man.

"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better. 
You better give me both of them."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 29
1289 Qala'un, the Sultan of Egypt, captured Tripoli. 

1429 Joan of Arc led Orleans, France, to victory over
Britain. 

1661 The Chinese Ming dynasty occupied Taiwan. 

1672 King Louis XIV of France invaded the Netherlands. 

1813 Rubber was patented by J.F. Hummel. 

1852 The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus was
published. 

1856 A peace treaty was signed between England and Russia. 

1858 Austrian troops invaded Piedmont. 

1862 New Orleans fell to Union forces during the Civil War. 

1879 In Cleveland, OH, electric arc lights were used for the
first time. 

1913 Gideon Sundback patented an all-purpose zipper. 

1916 Irish nationalists surrendered to British authorities
in Dublin. 

1918 Germany's Western Front offensive ended in World War I.


1924 An open revolt broke out in Santa Clara, Cuba. 

1927 Construction of the Spirit of St. Louis was completed
for Lindbergh. 

1945 The German Army in Italy surrendered unconditionally to
the Allies. 

1945 In a bunker in Berlin, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were
married. Hitler designated Admiral Karl Doenitz his
successor. 

1945 The Nazi death camp, Dachau, was liberated. 

1946 Twenty-eight former Japanese leaders were indicted in
Tokyo as war criminals. 

1952 IBM President Thomas J. Watson, Jr., informed his
company's stockholders that IBM was building "the most
advanced, most flexible high-speed computer in the world."
The computer was unveiled April 7, 1953, as the IBM 701
Electronic Data Processing Machine. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon announced he was releasing edited
transcripts of secretly made White House tape recordings
related to the Watergate scandal. 

1975 The U.S. embassy in Vietnam was evacuated as North
Vietnamese forces fought their way into Saigon. 

1984 In California, the Diablo Canyon nuclear reactor went
online after a long delay due to protests. 

1990 The destruction of the Berlin Wall began. 

1992 Exxon executive Sidney Reso was kidnapped outside his
Morris Township, NJ, home by Arthur Seale. Seale was a
former Exxon security official. Reso died while in
captivity. 

1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los
Angeles policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54
people were killed in 3 days. 

1994 Israel and the PLO signed an agreement in Paris which
granted Palestinians broad authority to set taxes, control
trade and regulate banks under self-rule in the Gaza Strip
and Jericho. 

1997 Staff Sgt. Delmar Simpson, a drill instructor at
Aberdeen Proving Ground in Maryland, was convicted of raping
six female trainees. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison
and was dishonorably discharged. 

1997 Astronaut Jerry Linenger and cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev
went on the first U.S.-Russian space walk. 

1998 The U.S., Canada and Mexico end tariffs on $1 billion
in NAFTA trade. 

1998 Brazil announced a plan to protect a large area of
Amazon forest. The area was about the size of Colorado. 

2009 NATO expelled two Russian diplomats from NATO
headquarters in Brussels over a spy scandal in Estonia.
Russia's Foreign Ministry criticized the expulsions. 

2017  smiled.






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Partially Fuzzy Close-ups 
Friday, April 28, 2017, 07:40 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, April 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Right now it is snowing again. 
It will probably all melt by May.
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Teen admits to killing her grandparents and sealing 
up their room – then inviting friends over for a party
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 28 in
1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was published.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.
--- George Eliot (1819 - 1880)

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists
regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.
--- Robert Anton Wilson

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Thanks to Bill for this story:
 came home from the bar one night quite 
inebreated and wanted to sneak in so his spouse wouldn't 
know. Unfortunately the mickey in 's back pocket
broke as  tried to sneak up the stairs and fell 
backwards. Some of the glass cut 's rear end. 

 grabbed the box of bandaids and attempted to 
cover the cuts.

The next morning 's  spouse Remarked: 
"You were pretty drunk when you came home last night." 

How did you know ?"  replied.

Well she said "Your shoes were sitting on the porch and 
there was broken glass at the bottom of the stairs and a 
smelly booze stain on the carpet but the clincher was the 15
bandaids stuck on the hall mirror."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Dave's collection of  The World's Thinnest Books 
                                                              
FRENCH WAR HEROES 
 by Jacques Chirac 
    
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY 
by Jane Fonda 
 
MY BEAUTY SECRETS 
by Janet Reno and Nancy Pelosi 
 
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS 
by Dan Marino
 
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL 
by Hillary Clinton
 
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE 
by Osama Bin Laden 
 
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD 
by Bill Gates 
 
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY 
by Dennis Rodman
 
MY WILD YEARS 
by Al Gore
 
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 
 
DETROIT: a Travel Guide 
 
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 
by Dr. J. Kevorkian 
 
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE 
by Ellen de Generes 
 
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson 
 
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 
 
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS 
by O. J. Simpson 
 
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book 

MY BOOK OF MORALS 
by Bill Clinton
with introduction 
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
______________________________________________________



Ready for spring.
Yes, it is snowing right now.
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Cassie Bjorge, 17, 
Johnny Rider, 18
Gwinnett County,
Georgia

Teen admits to killing her grandparents and sealing 
up their room – then inviting friends over for a party

A Georgia teen who allegedly confessed to killing her
grandparents with her boyfriend, sealing up their room and
then hosting a party for unsuspecting friends, also planned
to kill several other people WSB-TV reports.

According to WSB-TV, Cassie Bjorge, 17, and her boyfriend,
Johnny Rider, 18, planned the murders of her grandparents
for days and thought out details such as caulking the doors
shut in the house to keep the odor of death from being
detected outside.

Gwinnett County Police Detective Dave Brucz told WSB-TV the
teens waited outside Bjorges grandparents home for the
lights to go out, then snuck into the couple's bedrooms.

"Johnny began to attack the grandfather, Cassie then said
she had a surge of energy," Brucz said in court Wednesday.
"She then dragged her grandmother into her grandfather's
bedroom, she was duct taped."

Investigators say the teens then beat the grandparents,
Randall and Wendy Bjorge, before slicing their throats and
leaving them for dead.

According to the report, Cassie Bjorge confessed to staying
in the home and smoking pot for a few days after the
murders. She even invited friends over for a party — friends
who had no idea what had happened.

Police say Bjorge confessed that she went as far as
pretending to be her grandmother via text message so family
wouldn't suspect anything was wrong.

"She admitted after the murder she was texting family
members because they were worried about them, and she was
pretending to be Wendy," Brucz told the courtroom.

WSB-TV reports the teens are not only accused of killing,
Bjorge's grandparents, but they are also of trying to kill
Rider's sister and boyfriend.

"She also said they were planning on killing Johnny's family
and there were plans on killing her mother also," Brucz also
told the courtroom.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Pat
Re: Fuzzy close-ups

Dear Webby
When I take close-ups with my digital camera, the center
always seems to be fuzzy. Distance shots are clear, so it's
not a greasy fingerprint on the lens. It's a very small lens
and recessed anyway. What could cause that?
Thanks
Pat

Dear Pat
Especially with small lenses the aperture has to open up
wide if the lighting is low. That causes the area of 
sharpness to shrink to a thin layer. 

If you can add extra light, that will thicken the layer of
sharpness. When you can't add light, go farther away.
Use the highest resolution you got, and then later crop
the picture to get your close-up.

When you are really close, the layer that is in focus is
maybe half an inch thick. That might be the tips of a 
flower, and the inner parts of a deep blossom might
be fuzzy. From a few feet away, the layer of sharpness
would be 5-6 inches and plenty to show the entire flower
nice and sharp.

Close-up lenses and microscopes are no help at all. 
They make that effect even worse. 

Using the flash often helps. The camera pre-calculates
the effect of the flash and squints down the aperture. On
a close-up most of the flash will shoot right by it and what
light from it, that hits the object, will be at a good 
angle and improve contrast. 

If you plan to take a lot of close up pictures, select a 
camera with a large lens to capture as much light as 
possible, so that it will narrow down the aperture. 

Shoot the picture at the cameras highest resolution,
and then crop it down to 1024 x 768, which is probably
the largest size picture that you would use on a web
page. 
Have FUN!
DearWebby




Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the guests were many well-known motivational
speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the
entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The
crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman
was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave
his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to
rehearse
the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this
morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another
woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,
"...and I can't remember who she was!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Water Saving Tip #4 
When you are waiting for hot water to warm up put a 
watering can under the faucet. Once full use it for 
gardening. Place a bucket in your shower to catch 
water that is wasted while you wait for it to warm up.

Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com

 
Skylight

____________________________________________________

I've noticed the oddest behavior in most women. The
only time they won't look in a mirror is when they're
pulling out of a parking space.
___________________________________________________


 
She's super talented.....but this is just weird.

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so
she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes
later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could manage
our house over the weekend while my wife was gone. On
Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister
departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my
wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But
one of these days you're goin' to get caught!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 28
0357 Constantius II visited Rome for the first time. 

1282 Villagers in Palermo led a revolt against French rule
in Sicily. 

1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia
Mathamatic" was published. 

1789 A mutiny on the British ship Bounty took place when a
rebel crew took the ship and set sail to Pitcairn Island.
The mutineers left Captain W. Bligh and 18 sailors adrift. 

1818 U.S. President James Monroe proclaimed naval
disarmament on the Great Lakes and Lake Champlain. 

1896 The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan. 

1902 A revolution broke out in the Dominican Republic. 

1910 First night flight was performed by Claude Grahame-
White in England. 

1914 W.H. Carrier patented the design of his air
conditioner. 

1916 The British declared martial law throughout Ireland. 

1919 The League of Nations was founded. 

1920 Azerbaijan joined the USSR. 

1923 The British Empire Exhibition Stadium (or Empire
Stadium) opened to the public. 

1930 The first organized night baseball game was played in
Independence, Kansas. 

1932 The yellow fever vaccine for humans was announced. 

1937 The first animated-cartoon electric sign was displayed
on a building on Broadway in New York City. It was created
by Douglas Leight. 

1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci were
executed by Italian partisans as they attempted to flee the
country. 

1946 The Allies indicted Tojo with 55 counts of war crimes. 

1947 Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others
set out in a balsa wood raft known as Kon Tiki to prove that
Peruvian Indians could have settled in Polynesia. The trip
began in Peru and took 101 days to complete the crossing of
the Pacific Ocean. 

1952 The U.S. occupation of Japan officially ended when a
treaty with the U.S. and 47 other countries went into
effect. 

1953 French troops evacuated northern Laos. 

1962 In the Sahara Desert of Algeria, a team led by Red
Adair used explosives to put out the well fire known as the
Devil's Cigarette Lighter. The fire was caused by a pipe
rupture on November 6, 1961. 

1965 The U.S. Army and Marines invaded the Dominican
Republic to evacuate Americans. 

1967 Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and
was stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for
chickening out. 

1985 The largest sand castle in the world was completed near
St. Petersburg, FL. It was four stories tall. 

1988 In Maui, HI, one flight attendant was killed when the
fuselage of a Boeing 737 ripped open in mid-flight. 

1989 Mobil announced that they were divesting from South
Africa because congressional restrictions were too costly. 

1994 Former CIA official Aldrich Ames, who had given U.S.
secrets to the Soviet Union and then Russia, pled guilty to
espionage and tax evasion. He was sentenced to life in
prison without parole. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped
testimony as a defense witness in the criminal trial of his
former Whitewater business partners. 

1997 A worldwide treaty to ban chemical weapons took effect.
Russia and other countries such as Iraq and North Korea did
not sign. 

1999 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected (on a tie
vote of 213-213) a measure expressing support for NATO's
five-week-old air campaign in Yugoslavia. The House also
voted to limit the president's authority to use ground
forces in Yugoslavia. 

2001 A Russian rocket launched from Central Asia with the
first space tourist aboard. The crew consisted of California
businessman Dennis Tito and two cosmonauts. The destination
was the international space station. 

2008 India set a world record when it sent 10 satellites
into orbit from a single launch. 

2017  smiled.






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Frog Jigging injury 
Friday, April 28, 2017, 07:37 AM
Posted by Administrator
		
















Ophelia Dingbatter's News

NO Sermon here, not  for church, just jokes and fun for adults.





Subscribe 




Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, April 28
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support 
for the troops! 

OK, two guys figured out what category they fall in.

It is snowing again, but only a couple of inches so far.
Lawn mower is ready, the grass is not.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!



Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.

____________________________________________________
1
A couple of women were playing golf one
sunny Saturday morning. The first of the
twosome teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a four-
some of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll around in
obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize. "Please allow
me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,"
she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few
minutes", he replied breathlessly as he
remained in the fetal position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to
help him. She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and put her hands inside. She began to massage
his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, 
but my broken thumb still hurts like hell!"

_____________________________________________________
2
Yesterday I was discussing computers with an acquaintance 
while waiting in line at the store check-out counter and she

told me that she had a new high tech mouse with "no balls!"


I have been using an optical mouse for about 20 years, but
I couldn't resist a straight line like that.
That led me to ask "A mouse with no balls!!!! How does it 
reproduce?"

To which she replied, "Cybersex of course!"

_____________________________________________________
3
A young husband comes home one night, and his
wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling,
I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me
a test today, but we until we find out for sure,
we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the doorbell, because the young couple
hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man
from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"It sure is!"

"Well, I will talk to my husband about this tonight !"

That night, she tells her husband about the
visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the
electric company offices the first thing the
next morning. "What's going on here? You have
it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband
shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option
but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

____________________________________________________
4
The two female teens were discussing a news article 
concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence.

"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas
station? Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his
pencil."

"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl, "He doesn't do all
my writing, anyway!"

_____________________________________________________
5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously
wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too...."

_____________________________________________________
6
[Arkansas Democrat Gazette] Two local men
were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway
38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey
Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight
Monday. 

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray
Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious
condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a
frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's
pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. 

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older
model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet
from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to
the steering wheel column. 

Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to
operate properly and the two men proceeded east toward the
White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty
miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet
apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the
right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right,
exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered
only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will
require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained
a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
ball off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. 

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the
world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that
those two would admit how this accident happened," said
Snyder. 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's wife Lavinia asked
how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them
from the truck.

=====================================================

















Spaldings? 


Enjoy!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia







If you like my work,
Please donate a dollar, 

or two, if you can afford it!

Please, help me stay online!
======================================================

Click to subscribe to the full version!

Enjoy!
Ophelia








Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 27

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas man arrested after he drove while intoxicated,
 with infant and teens in car, and crashed into two homes
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 27 in
1521 Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed 
by natives in the Philippines. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
The main dangers in this life are the people who want 
to change everything - or nothing.
--- Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that 
heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) 
but 'That's funny ...'
--- Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his
sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first
rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the
auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick
you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.

He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing
happened.

He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.

As he careened crazily earthward, he yelled:
"@%$# Army! . I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks to Walter, the stone carver from
http://stonecarver.com
for these news:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This 
is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer 
service being what it is today. A lady here died this past 
January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for 
their service charges on her credit card, and then added 
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance 
had been $0.00, now is somewhere around
$60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in 
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees 
and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to 
collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has 
been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out 
she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division 
or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you -
 the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in 
January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late 
fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her 
estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." 
(Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't 
know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! 
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she 
will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 
Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on 
your planet?
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Paul Hernandez, 
21,
Odessa,
Texas

Texas man arrested after he drove while intoxicated,
 with infant and teens in car, and crashed into two homes

A man was arrested after police say he drove a car while
intoxicated with an infant and two teens inside and crashed
into two homes.

Paul Hernandez, 21, has been charged and arrested for
Driving While Intoxicated with a Child Passenger, a State
Jail Felony.

According to the Odessa Police Department, their officers
responded to the 900 block of Munos around midnight Saturday
for a call of a major crash.

When police arrived on scene they found that a white GMC
Sierra had crashed into a home in the 900 block before then
driving on and crashing into a second home in the same
block, according to OPD.

Witnesses at the scene were then able to detain the driver
until officers arrived.

The driver was identified as Hernandez. It was also learned
that three passengers were in the car, including a 15-year-
old boy, 14-year-old boy and a five-month-old girl.

According to police, officers on scene could smell a strong
odor of alcohol coming from Hernandez's breath. He was then
placed into custody for driving while intoxicated before
being transported to the Ector County Law Enforcement
Center.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: A.J.
Re: On-Line Conferencing

Dear Webby
I got an ad about on-line conferencing.
Compared to on-location meetings $2879 sounds like quite a
big saving. How reliable are those on-line conferences?
A.J.

Dear A.J.
Ask your kids to show you how to use Skype for free, and
save those $2879. Or send them to me.
(The dollars, not the kids!)

The secret to good on-line conferences is the same as for
on-location conferences: Prepare, prepare, prepare!

Make a special folder for the conference, and put all files,
that you possibly might need, into that, so that there
won't
be any emabarrassing pauses while you hunt them down.

If at all possible, upload pictures and douments to a
conference site beforehand. That's the equivalent of the
printed reference material laid out in a traditional
conference or meeting. Ideally, you get everybody to read
the reference material beforehand, so that everybody knows
what the meeting is about, and you don't have to waste time
making speeches, but can skip right to the discussion part.

Just like with a traditional meeting it is extremely
important that you "dont let democracy break out" and the
meeting deteriorate into off-topic gossiping by individual
groups or pairs. Remind them that their gossip shows in the
log and WILL be printed for all attendants. That usually
shuts them up and lets you bring everything back on topic.

The success of an on-line conference does not really
depend on the brand of software you use, but on how
well prepared you are, and on how mean a tyrant you are.
Using standard meeting calls and procedures are absolutely
necessary, if you don't want the conference to deteriorate
into a chaotic party.

There are huge benefits to on-line meetings. You can have
advisors and helpers surround you and feeding you the
right links at the right time, draw up diagrams or
contracts, and it will all appear to everybody as if you
just had done all the homework.

While using video works quite well, we found it to be more
of a novel distraction than a conference tool, and have not
used it for serious meetings since about 1996. Video is
better suited to one-on-one meetings like interviewing
job candidates or performance evaluation meetings.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Thanks to Andy for this joke:
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one 
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The 
engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have 
been waiting for 15 minutes!" 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen 
such ineptitude! Let's have a word with the greens keeper. 
Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're 
rather slow, aren't they?" 

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind

firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse
from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." 

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, 
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight." 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my 
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can 
do for them." 

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" 



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Growing Your Houseplants in Water 
By EllenB [810 Posts, 1 Comment]
How It Works
Hydroculture is another word for hydroponics, a method of
growing plants in water containing dissolved nutrients. Many
of the foods we eat are produced this way commercially,
especially in areas where land for cultivating crops is
limited. A simple, scaled-down version of this technique is
an ideal way to grow many houseplants.
Plants are grown in containers filled with water and liquid
fertilizer. The plants take in nutrients from a water
solution through their "water" roots. After continuously
being submerged in water, they have adapted by developing a
greater capacity to store oxygen. Once the hydroculture
system has been set up, a float in the reservoir indicates
when it's time to add more solution.

The Advantages
No more guessing how much to feed and water. One of the
fastest ways to kill a houseplant is by giving it too much
or too little water. Or, not understanding how to properly
use fertilizer. With hydroculture, feeding and watering
requires little more than topping off water levels. In soil,
certain nutrients can remain fixed in the soil as insoluble
compounds. In hydroculture, nutrients are evenly available
to the root system, so plants tend to be more vigorous.
Reduces pests and disease. No soil means no more soil born
pests, including those creepy little potting soil gnats. You
can also say goodbye to mold spores and mildew-a boon for
those who suffer from allergies.

Lower maintenance. Hydroculture is cleaner and easier to
maintain. By eliminating dirt, you eliminate must odors and
messy spills. You'll need to water less often, transplant
less often, and worry less about leaving your plants
unattended while on vacation.

 
C-17 Globemaster Flyover

____________________________________________________

Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking
skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike.
She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to
have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.

One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was
also there.  Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table
and introduced the two.  Then she watched as Mike put
his arm around the young woman and said in his best
mock-seductive voice, "Hellooow, Sandy! Do you come
here often?."

"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.

"We sure do," said Mike.  "She's my sister."
___________________________________________________


 
19 Pictures That Have Absolutely No Good Explanation For Existing.

>From Randy
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office  
filling out an employee form when I came to the section
that asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____. 
  
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was   
also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any   
of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that
order.'   



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 27
1296 The Scots were defeated by Edward I at the Battle of
Dunbar. 

1509 Pope Julius II excommunicated the Italian state of
Venice. 

1521 Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed by
natives in the Philippines. 

1565 The first Spanish settlement in Philippines was
established in Cebu City. 

1805 A force led by U.S. Marines captured the city of Derna,
on the shores of Tripoli. 

1813 Americans under Gen. Pike capture York (present day
Toronto) the seat of government in Ontario. 

1861 West Virginia seceded from Virginia after Virginia
seceded from the Union during the American Civil War. 

1861 U.S. President Lincoln issued an order to General
Winfield Scott that authorized him to suspend the writ of
habeas corpus between Philadelphia and Washington at or near
any military line. 

1863 The Army of the Potomac began marching on
Chancellorsville. 

1865 In the U.S. the Sultana exploded while carrying 2,300
Union POWs. Between 1,400 2,000 were killed. 

1880 Francis Clarke and M.G. Foster patented the electrical
hearing aid. 

1897 Grant's Tomb was dedicated. 

1909 The sultan of Turkey, Abdul Hamid II, was overthrown. 

1938 Geraldine Apponyi married King Zog of Albania. She was
the first American woman to become a queen. 

1938 A colored baseball was used for the first time in any
baseball game. The ball was yellow and was used between
Columbia and Fordham Universities in New York City. 

1945 The Second Republic was founded in Austria. 

1946 The SS African Star was placed in service. It was the
first commercial ship to be equipped with radar. 

1950 South Africa passed the Group Areas Act, which formally
segregated races. 

1953 The U.S. offered $50,000 and political asylum to any
Communist pilot that delivered a MIG jet. 

1953 Five people were killed and 60 injured when Mt. Aso
erupted on the island of Kyushu. 

1960 The submarine Tullibee was launched from Groton, CT. It
was the first sub to be equipped with closed-circuit
television. 

1961 The United Kingdom granted Sierra Leone independence. 

1965 "Pampers" were patented by R.C. Duncan. 

1967 In Montreal, Prime Minister Lester Pearson lighted a
flame to open Expo 67. 

1975 Saigon was encircled by North Vietnamese troops. 

1978 Pro-Soviet Marxists seized control of Afghanistan. 

1982 The trial of John W. Hinckley Jr. began in Washington.
Hinckley was later acquitted by reason of insanity for the
shooting of U.S. President Reagan and three others. 

1982 China proposed a new constitution that would radically
alter the structure of the national government. 

1984 In London, Libyan gunmen left the Libyan Embassy 11
days after killing a policewoman and wounding 10 others. 

1989 Student protestors took over Tiananmen Square in
Beijing. 

1987 The U.S. Justice Department barred Austrian President
Kurt Waldheim from entering the U.S. They claimed that he
had aided in the deportation and execution of thousands of
Jews and others as a junior German Army officer during World
War II. 

1992 The Federal Republic of Yugoslavia was proclaimed in
Belgrade by the Republic of Serbia and its ally Montenegro. 

1992 Russia and 12 other former Soviet republics won entry
into the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. 

2005 The A380, the world's largest jetliner, completed its
maiden flight. The passenger capability was 840. 

2005 Russian President Vladimir Putin became the first
Kremlin leader to visit Israel. 

2006 In New York, NY, construction began on the 1,776-foot
One World Trade Center on the site of former World Trade
Center. 

2017  smiled.






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How to clean a CD 
Wednesday, April 26, 2017, 11:08 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, April 26

Thank You, Norma!!

We had snow almost every day for a week now. 4 inches today.
Calgary had 8 inches, Bragg Creek had 10. So much for
Gullible Warming!

Apparently collecting Carbon Tax to sabotage the economy and
to hire more burocrats does reduce the Gullible Warming. It
makes no sense to me, but since I am not a grant recipient,
they don't ask me anyway.

Well, we are in the cooling cycle again. 
The warming cycle started when Carl Sagans anti-muscle car
frenzy got going full steam. He blamed our muscle cars and
CO2 for the coming ice age. As soon as all the gullible
fools believed him, the cooling stopped and the warming
began. 

The warming cycle ended shortly after Al Gore's Gullible
Warming movie made him a few dozen Million bucks and
somebody bought him and Obama a Nobel prize.

I wonder who will champion the next "Ice Age Is Coming"
frenzy. 

Send in your nominations!

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Michigan barbarians destroy store and run over manager
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 26 in
1514 Copernicus made his first observations of Saturn. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability 
to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable
for their apparent disinclination to do so.
--- Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it
whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and
applying the wrong remedy.
--- Ernest Benn

It is not necessary to understand things in order to
argue about them.
--- Pierre Beaumarchais
AOL's "support" is built on that concept.
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian
elementary school for lunch . At the head of the table was
a large pile of apples. A teacher had made a note, and
posted on the apple tray. It said,
"Take only one, God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note by the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's
speaking English that kills you.
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Barbarians in
Kentwood, Michigan
Not caught yet


Michigan barbarians destroy store and
run over manager

At approximately 1:30 a.m. on Saturday, three women pulled
up to a drive-through window at a Michigan convenience
store. Before it was over, the store was trashed and the
store manager was in the hospital — suffering from a broken
pelvis, fractured leg, and bleeding on her brain. And it was
all caught on surveillance video.

As reported by Fox 17, the whole thing started when one or
more of the unidentified women began arguing with the
manager, identified only as “Kristina,” about prices.

An employee of T&J Party Store, “Jose,” told the station:

“They were arguing about the price or something like that,
like the price was changing or something. So the owner gave
them the bottle to check everything and she just got tired
of dealing with it so she closed the window.”

It was then game-on.

In the video, the women can be seen walking into the store
and confronting the manager at the check-out counter. They
then storm out — tearing down shelves along the way. Jose
told Fox 17 the manager started chasing them.

"One of the two girls who came in after said 'well we'll
give her something to get mad about,' and they started
pulling down the shelves of the snacks. [...]

They pulled the shelves and that's when Kristina started
chasing them because they started running."

The parking lot surveillance video revealed what happened
next.

After the manager chased the women to their SUV, she was
knocked to the ground by the vehicle and run over. Jose
suggested Kristina is fortunate to be alive.

“I found her on the ground, she was laying there. If it
would've been a few inches further they would've run over
her stomach, so it was lucky that it wasn't and it was just
the legs otherwise it would've been worse.”

Fox 17 reported late Friday night that no arrests have been
made in the case, nor have the suspects been identified.

The 27 year old driver has been arrested, the teens 17 and
16 were let go. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Ella
Re: Clean CDs

Dear Webby
Dear Webby.....you are the only one I can ask to help
with advice on ...if it is  possible to remove glue from a
CD ?

I got a CD with a Net Guide Magazine and it is always
stuck on a page with rubberised solution...that's not a
problem....but they then gum the protective cellophane
envelope shut.  I managed to get the CD out of there and
then....stupid me !....after browsing it...I laid the CD
back down on top of the envelope on my desk and
Voila !....one unusable CD.

What can I use ....is there a safe solution that would
make my CD playable again  ?

I appreciate your sensible daily tips...so often things
I needed to know  !

I hope I don't have to go out and buy another magazine
to get the CD....it has some good programmes on it !

Kind regards!
Ella

Dear Ella
Soap and hot water don't hurt CDs. I would spray some
citrus based organic cleaner onto it, let it soak for a few
minutes, and then scrub it under hot water with a clean
microfiber cloth.

Dish soap should work too, but don't use dishwasher soap!
Dishwasher soap has abrasives in it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby




Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside
a nursing home. About then an old man  walked  by, and one
of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you
are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."

One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

He did.

The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all
piped up and said,  "You're 84 years old!"

The old man was stunned.  "Amazing! How did you guess
that?"

The ornery old grandmas, laughed.  Slapping their knees
and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in
unison, "You told us yesterday!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baked Apple Egg Roll Recipes 
We made these delicious apple egg rolls for dessert tonight!
They were so easy to make and the vanilla whipped cream was
perfect for dipping. :)

Ingredients:
Filling:
2 apples (I used 1 Granny Smith and 1 Gala)
2 Tbsp. lemon juice
1/3 cup sugar
4 Tbsp. flour
2 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp. allspice
1/8 tsp. salt
16 egg roll wrappers
1 egg lightly beaten
Vanilla Whipped Cream:
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1/4 cup sugar
2 tsp. vanilla
cinnamon

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Peel, core, and chop up the apples. Add to a medium bowl.

Add remaining filling ingredients to bowl and stir until
well combined. Allow mixture to sit for about 10 minutes.

Put egg into small bowl and beat slightly.
Place a layer of parchment paper on a cookie sheet and
lightly spray with cooking spray.
Lay out one egg roll wrapper and carefully spoon about 2
Tbsp. of the filling onto the wrapper, near one of the
points. Fold the point over the filling and then fold the
two sides in towards the center. Brush the wrapper with some
egg wash and carefully (but tightly) roll up the egg roll.
Lay seam side down on prepared cookie sheet. Repeat until
all of the filling is gone.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown and crisp.

During the last 5 minutes of cooking, remove from oven and
brush with melted butter and sprinkle with cinnamon and
sugar.

Return them to the oven for the remaining 5 minutes. Serve
immediately with vanilla whipped cream.

Vanilla Whipped Cream:
Place cream into a mixing bowl and using a hand mixer, beat
on medium-high speed. Once cream has begun to thicken, add
sugar and vanilla. Combine well, and continue to whip
mixture until stiff peaks form. Lightly sprinkle with
cinnamon.

Servings:approx. 16
Prep Time:20 Minutes
Cooking Time:20-25 Minutes
By Laurel and Aiden from Port Orchard, WA


 
Cockatoo Rocks Out to 
Don't Be Cruel

____________________________________________________


Thanks to the tow-handle, the mileage is phenomenal!
___________________________________________________


 
I love mysteries!


From Jane:
We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from
New York to California and were looking for a place
to spend the night. At four different motels, however,
we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."

Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked
solemnly,  "Mom, are we vacancies?"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 26
1478 Pazzi conspirators attacked Lorenzo and killed Giuliano
de'Medici. 

1514 Copernicus made his first observations of Saturn. 

1607 The British established an American colony at Cape
Henry, Virginia. It was the first permanent English
establishment in the Western Hemisphere. 

1865 Joseph E. Johnston surrendered the Army of Tennessee to
Sherman during the American Civil War. 

1865 John Wilkes Booth was killed by the U.S. Federal
Cavalry. 

1921 Weather forecasts were heard for the first time on
radio in St. Louis, MO. 

1929 First non-stop flight from England to India was
completed. 

1937 German planes attacked Guernica, Spain, during the
Spanish Civil War for the Spanish nationalist government.
This raid is considered one of the first to be attacks on a
civilian population by a modern air force. 

1945 Marshal Henri Philippe Petain, the head of France's
Vichy government during World War II, was arrested. 

1964 The African nations of Tanganyika and Zanzibar merged
to form Tanzania. 

1968 Students seized the administration building at Ohio
State University. 

1982 The British announced that Argentina had surrendered on
South Georgia. 

1985 In Argentina, a fire at a mental hospital killed 79
people and injured 247. 

1986 The world’s worst nuclear disaster to date occurred at
Chernobyl, in Ukraine. Thirty-one people died in the
incident and thousands more were exposed to radioactive
material. 

1998 Auxiliary Bishop Juan Gerardi Conedera was bludgeoned
to death two days after a report he'd compiled on atrocities
during Guatemala's 36-year civil war was made public. 

2000 Charles Wang and Sanjay Kumar purchased the NHL's New
York Islanders. 

2002 In Erfurt, Germany, an expelled student killed 17
people at his former school. The student then killed
himself. 

2017  smiled.






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Humor: Danger of compressed "air" dusters 
Tuesday, April 25, 2017, 08:25 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>








Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, April 25

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Prisoner Tried To Carve ‘666’ Into His Forehead — 
It Didn’t Exactly go As Planned
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 25 in
1684 A patent was granted for the thimble. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.
--- Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
--- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said,
"Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played
poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was
that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.

The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the
local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly
inquired of the priest:
"Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward
heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said 
aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the 
minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and 
said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: 
"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied: "With whom?"

"That's 'With WHO!' " the Judge thundered. That is an extra
day picking up garbage along the highway, on top of the five
each of you get for lying to me!"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Here finally is a picture of the famous Bausell  Sailor:


Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Old Mugshot, does not include newest "features"
Nikko Jenkins,
28,
Omaha, 
Nebraska

Prisoner Tried To Carve ‘666’ Into His Forehead — 
It Didn’t Exactly go As Planned

In trying to prove he was crazy in a long shot bid to avoid
the death penalty, Nikko Jenkins only ended up proving he
was a major league moron.

Jenkins, 28, attempted to carve “the mark of the beast” into
his forehead. His major mistake was using a mirror, causing
his “creation” to come out backward.

However, with a series of upside-down 9s, Jenkins has
fashioned himself an entirely unique – and irreversible –
engraving. According to Omaha.com, Jenkins told his attorney
about the incident in a phone call from his cell in Omaha,
Nebraska.

The 28-year-old is in an ongoing appeal that he is mentally
unstable and therefore ineligible to face the death penalty.
His failed stunt was an apparent attempt to help prove that
case.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Martin
Re: Compressed "air"

Dear Webby
I know you have long badmouthed and condemned the use of
compressed air for computer cleaning, without ever stating
your real reason. The kids already know and talk about it.  
Maybe it's as well that the parents and grandparents do
too.  
(Yeah, I know, there are plenty of adult 'bone-heads" who 
would abuse them if told.
Martin
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/d/dustoff.htm


Dear Martin
Yes, it is true that stooopid kids inhale the compressed 
"air" from those silly cans that are sold to bozos to blow 
dirt and small parts to harder to reach places.

Techs have known or suspected for a long time that those
companies like Dust-Off just ship their toxic waste gases
all over the country, to get rid of them anywhere but in
their own back yard. We have also known for a long time that
a certain percentage of kids will sniff anything from 
gas to glue, if some other kids tell them it will make them
experience something strange.

So, since you now know that Dust-Off and similar cans of
compressed "air" contain toxic waste gases, supposedly
as a propellant, and that dumb kids sniff that stuff, don't
bring it into the house. Sure, not all kids who huff the
stuff will die, some will just get even dumber than they
are. But a certain percentage WILL die from huffing.

For the same cost as a large can of toxic waste gas 
propelled industrial air, you can get a small rechargeable 
battery powered vacuum cleaner and get rid of dust bunnies
instead of blowing them underneath heat sinks and other
hard to get to places.

If you do feel the insane urge to blow dust from the 
computer all over the house, put the crevice tool onto the
hose of the vacuum cleaner and plug the hose into the
wrong end of the vacuum cleaner. 

The fans in the computer will suck the stuff back into the
computer and you can repeat the procedure next spring.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



From a dozen years ago:
Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was supposed 
to give a speech to California voters, but it was bumped so 
that Michael Jackson's verdict and a ton of ads could be 
televised. 
Arnold acted upset and said, if he can't speak to his
voters, how can the [democrat] media misquote him?



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Sap on Your Car 
It always best to remove sap from your car quickly, 
while it is still soft. The harder the sap gets, the 
tougher it is to remove and the more likely it is to 
scratch your car's finish. Make a paste with a mild 
abrasive like baking soda and apply to the sap, then 
rub it with a rag until the sap is removed. You can 
also try rubbing the sap with mayonnaise on a rag. 
I have also heard that WD-40 works well for 
softening sap so that it can be removed. 
Clean the area once the sap has been removed. 
Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com

 
Grandmas' reality show!

____________________________________________________

A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what
his future held for him.

The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl,
who will want to know everything about you."

"That's great !" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At
a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her
next semester,
in Biology lab!"
___________________________________________________


 
Celebrities when they were young.

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway.  But, as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming
rate.  The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six
a day.  So one day he called the sheriff's office and
said, "You've got to do something about all of these
people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and
erect a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to do something about these drivers.  The
'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and
they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up.  So the farmer called and
called and called everyday for three weeks.  Finally, he
asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.  Is it
all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in
order to have him stop calling.  Well, the sheriff got no
more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff
decided to call him.  "How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did.  And not one chicken has been killed since
then.  I've got to go.  I'm very busy." And he hung up the
phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that
farmer's house and look at that sign...  There might be
something there that WE could use to slow down drivers."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw
the sign.  It was a whole sheet of plywood.  And written in
large yellow letters were the words:

  SLOW DOWN!
NUDIST COLONY



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 25
1590 The Sultan of Morocco launched his successful attack to
capture Timbuktu. 

1644 The Ming Chongzhen emperor committed suicide by hanging
himself. 

1684 A patent was granted for the thimble. 

1707 At the Battle of Almansa, Franco-Spanish forces
defeated the Anglo-Portugese. 

1792 The guillotine was first used to execute highwayman
Nicolas J. Pelletier. 

1846 The Mexican-American War ignited as a result of
disputes over claims to Texas boundaries. The outcome of the
war fixed Texas' southern boundary at the Rio Grande River. 

1859 Work began on the Suez Canal in Egypt. 

1860 The first Japanese diplomats to visit a foreign power
reached Washington, DC. They remained in the U.S. capital
for several weeks while discussing expansion of trade with
the United States. 

1862 Union Admiral Farragut occupied New Orleans, LA. 

1864 After facing defeat in the Red River Campaign, Union
General Nathaniel Bank returned to Alexandria, LA. 

1867 Tokyo was opened for foreign trade. 

1882 French commander Henri Riviere seized the citadel of
Hanoi in Indochina. 

1898 The U.S. declared war on Spain. Spain had declared war
on the U.S. the day before. 

1901 New York became the first state to require license
plates for cars. The fee was $1. 

1915 During World War I, Australian and New Zealand troops
landed at Gallipoli in Turkey in hopes of attacking the
Central Powers from below. The attack was unsuccessful. 

1925 General Paul von Hindenburg took office as president of
Germany. 

1926 In Iran, Reza Kahn was crowned Shah and choose the name
"Pehlevi." 

1928 A seeing eye dog was used for the first time. 

1945 U.S. and Soviet forces met at Torgau, Germany on Elbe
River. 

1945 Delegates from about 50 countries met in San Francisco
to organize the United Nations. 

1952 After a three-day fight against Chinese Communist
Forces, the Gloucestershire Regiment was annihilated on
"Gloucester Hill," in Korea. 

1953 U.S. Senator Wayne Morse ended the longest speech in
U.S. Senate history. The speech on the Offshore Oil Bill
lasted 22 hours and 26 minutes. 

1953 Dr. James D. Watson and Dr. Francis H.C. Crick
suggested the double helix structure of DNA. 

1954 The prototype manufacture of the first solar battery
was announced by the Bell Laboratories in New York City. 

1957 Operations began at the first experimental sodium
nuclear reactor. 

1959 St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. The water way
connects the Great Lakes and the Atlantic Ocean. 

1961 Robert Noyce was granted a patent for the integrated
circuit. 

1962 The U.S. spacecraft, Ranger, crashed on the Moon. 

1967 Colorado Governor John Love signed the first law
legalizing abortion in the U.S. The law was limited to
therapeutic abortions when agreed to, unanimously, by a
panel of three physicians. 

1971 The country of Bangladesh was established. 

1974 Portuguese dictator Antonio Salazar was overthrown in a
military coup. 

1976 Portugal ratified a constitution. It was first revised
on October 30, 1982. 

1980 In Iran, a commando mission to rescue hostages was
aborted after mechanical problems disabled three of the
eight helicopters involved. During the evacuation, a
helicopter and a transport plane collided and exploded.
Eight U.S. servicemen were killed. The mission was aimed at
freeing American hostages that had been taken at the U.S.
embassy in Tehran on November 4, 1979. The event took place
April 24th Washington, DC, time. 

1982 In accordance with Camp David agreements, Israel
completed its Sinai withdrawal. 

1983 Soviet leader Yuri V. Andropov invited Samantha Smith
to visit his country after receiving a letter in which the
U.S. schoolgirl expressed fears about nuclear war. 

1983 The Pioneer 10 spacecraft crossed Pluto's orbit,
speeding on its endless voyage through the Milky Way. 

1984 In France, over one million people demonstrated to show
they favored the decentralization of education. 

1987 In Washington, DC, 100,000 people protested the U.S.
policy in Central America. They didn't understand it, but
had a lot of fun protesting anyway.

1988 In Israel, John "Ivan the Terrible" Demjanuk was
sentenced to death as a Nazi war criminal. 

1990 Sandinista rule ended in Nicaragua. 

1990 The U.S. Hubble Space Telescope was placed into Earth's
orbit. It was released by the space shuttle Discovery. 

1992 Islamic forces in Afghanistan took control of most of
the capital of Kabul following the collapse of the Communist
government. 

1996 The main assembly of the Palestine Liberation
Organization voted to revoke clauses in its charter that
called for an armed struggle to destroy Israel. 

1998 U.S. first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton on was
questioned by Whitewater prosecutors on videotape about her
work as a private lawyer for the failed savings and loan at
the center of the investigation. 

2003 Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, the anti-apartheid leader
and ex-wife of former President Nelson Mandela, was
sentenced to four years in prison for her conviction on
fraud and theft charges. She was convicted of 43 counts of
fraud and 25 of theft of money from a women's political
league. 

2017  smiled.





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Fake "Email Account Suspension" Mail scam 
Monday, April 24, 2017, 07:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, April 24

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Connecticut dominatrix arrested for extortion
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 24 in
1967 The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821) 

The shortest distance between two points is under
construction.
--- Noelie Altito 

A man's respect for law and order exists in precise 
relationship to the size of his paycheck.
--- Adam Clayton Powell Jr., 
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the   middle of the screen." Now type the letter "p" to
bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a "p".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT" "p" on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

More from Kati:
Boudreaux's 17-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her 
parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they 
go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit. The test result 
shows that the girl is pregnant. 

Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, 
"Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's 
house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, 
impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out 
of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room 
with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, 
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the 
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family 
situation, but I'll take responsibility. 

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a

townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories 
and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory 
and $1,000,000 each. 

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest 
I do?" 

At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places 
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, 
"Den you try agin!" 
______________________________________________________



Waiting long?
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Fatin Ann Ward,
35,
Waterbury,
Connecticut

Connecticut dominatrix arrested for extortion

A Connecticut dominatrix who describes herself as a
“ruthless, plus size Bitch” in an online ad is locked up for
allegedly extorting hush money from a 69-year-old man whom
she recorded during their sessions, police report.

According to an arrest warrant application, the victim hired
Fatin Ann Ward, a 35-year-old convicted sex offender, after
spotting an ad she placed on Backpage.com. The victim, a
Mt.
Kisco, New York resident, told police that he traveled to
Ward’s Waterbury apartment for encounters with the
dominatrix.

In one online ad, Ward--identified as “Mistresses Teenie”--
declares that she is “black, dominant, ruthless” and has
“the desire to walk all over you. Literally.” The ad
concludes, “You shall submit yourself to me. Don't keep me
waiting, give into your desires and release your finances
over to me.”

Ward’s client told police that she recorded him during one
session. A subsequent police search of Ward’s phone turned
up photos and videos of the client performing oral sex on
Ward, sucking and rubbing her feet, and undressing and
cleaning the 5' 6", 216-pound dominatrix’s oven.

As first reported by the Republican-American's Jonathan
Shugarts, Ward allegedly threatened to distribute the
incriminating videos online unless the man paid her off. The
victim, cops say, agreed to hush money payments in excess
of
$5000.

The man, who provided Ward with more than half of the agreed
upon amount, told investigators that the dominatrix
contacted his wife and forwarded her the embarrassing
videos. In a phone call monitored by police, Ward allegedly
threatened to also send the footage to the victim’s
children.

As police executed a search warrant at her home, Ward told
investigators that she had not threatened the client, though
she did acknowledge that the man had not paid what he owed
her. Ward told cops that she had told the victim his wife
would “have a heart attack if she knew about his fetish for
black women.”

Pictured above, Ward was arrested last week on larceny,
voyeurism, and  disseminating voyeuristic materials charges.
She is locked up in lieu of $100,000 bond.

According to the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division,
Ward--who has also used the surname Ahmad--is a Tier II sex
offender. She was convicted in October 2000 of an attempted
lewd act on a minor, a felony for which she served state
prison time.

Ward is required to register as a sex offender in both South
Carolina, where she was convicted, and Connecticut, where
she now resides. 

Her victim is a bonehead too, but there is no name or
mugshot available.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Angel
Re: "Email Account Suspension" Mail sent by scammer 

Dear Webby
I received all kinds of weird mail threatening to suspend
my email account if I did not open some attachment and do 
this or that. The mails pretended to be from some team at
my domain. Well, as you know, my team is me and my dog,
and neither one of us sends silly emails to the other.

What is it all about and how do I stop it?
Angel

Dear Angel
It's some silly spam sent by a scammer. 
Just make a filter in MailWasher that looks for
"Email Account Suspension" in the subject line,
and tell it to trash that mail automatically.
You won't see another one. 

Don't worry about that filter accidentally dumping
legitimate mail. Nobody will announce suspending
anybody's email. If email has to be messed with, because
that address has not been checked in a long time, and
the mail box has over 20 MB of spam in it, then there is 
no point adding a suspension notice to the end of that. 
The box will simply be dumped when it goes over the 
limit.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census 
taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor 
and wasn't home, because he was performing an 
appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for 
such a little girl.  Do you know what it means?"

"Sure!  Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even 
include the dopey anaesthesiologist!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Alternatives To Dryer Sheets 
By marilyn shipman [16 Posts, 4 Comments]
Aluminum Foil as Alternative to Fabric Sheets
By marilyn shipman [16 Posts, 4 Comments]

If you don't have fabric sheets or just don't want to buy
them, try using aluminum foil instead! Crumple up a sheet of
aluminum foil into a ball and toss it into the dryer. It
eliminates static cling, lasts a long, long time, and costs
practically nothing!
By Marilyn from Colfax, LA

 
Demolition phone call

____________________________________________________

A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a 
baby came to an end. The adoption center called and 
told them that they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped 
by the local college so they each could enroll in night 
courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk
inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby,
and in a year or
so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to
understand him."
___________________________________________________


 
Splattered ink animal paintings.

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had 
already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one 
relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you 
looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? 
Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as 
soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother 
doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a 
girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got 
together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's 
just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just 
like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 24
1519 Envoys of Montezuma II attended the first Easter mass
in Central America. 

1547 Charles V's troops defeated the Protestant League of
Schmalkalden at the battle of Muhlburg. 

1558 Mary, Queen of Scotland, married the French dauphin,
Francis. 

1800 The Library of Congress was established with a $5,000
allocation. 

1805 The U.S. Marines attacked and captured the town of
Derna in Tripoli. 

1833 A patent was granted for first soda fountain. 

1877 Russia declared war on the Ottoman Empire. 

1877 In the U.S., federal troops were ordered out of New
Orleans. This was the end to the North's post-Civil War rule
in the South. 

1884 Otto von Bismarck cabled Cape Town that South Africa
was now a German colony. 

1889 The Edison General Electric Company was organized. 

1897 William Price became the first to be named White House
news reporter. 

1898 Spain declared war on the U.S., rejecting America's
ultimatum for Spain to withdraw from Cuba. 

1915 During World War I, the Ottoman Turkish Empire began
the mass deportation of Armenians. 

1916 Irish nationalists launched the Easter Rebellion
against British occupation forces. They were overpowered
several days later. 

1944 The first B-29 arrived in China, over the Hump of the
Himalayas. 

1953 Winston Churchill was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II. 

1955 "X-Minus One," a science fiction show, was first heard
for the first time on NBC radio. 

1961 U.S. President Kennedy accepted "sole responsibility"
following Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. 

1962 MIT sent a TV signal by satellite for the first time. 

1967 Soviet astronaut Vladimir Komarov died when his craft
crashed with a tangled parachute. 

1967 The newest Greek regime banned miniskirts.

1970 The People's Republic of China launched its first
satellite. 

1973 Albert Sabin reported that herpesviruses were factors
in nine kinds of cancer. 

1974 David Bowie released "Diamond Dogs." 

1989 Thousands of students began striking in Beijing. 

1990 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off from Cape
Canaveral, FL. It was carrying the $1.5 billion Hubble Space
Telescope. 

1997 The U.S. Senate ratified the Chemical Weapons
Convention. The global treaty banned the development,
production, storage and use of chemical weapons. 

2000 ABC-TV aired the TV movie "The Three Stooges." 

2003 A U.S. official reported that North Korea had claimed
to have nuclear weapons. 

2017  smiled.






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Anti Static strap 
Sunday, April 23, 2017, 09:20 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>








Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 23

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
2 NH women arrested for Pizza Dewlivery man stabbing
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 23 in
1500 Pedro Cabal claimed Brazil for Portugal. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country 
are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
--- George Burns (1896 - 1996)

I find that a great part of the information I have 
was acquired by looking up something and 
finding something else on the way.
--- Franklin P. Adams
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Donna rides the bus to work every day.  Today
she's in some discomfort because she has a pain in
her lower abdomen.  She finally realizes that its
just a tremendous build up of gas from something
she ate.  The bus is quite crowded and she doesn't
know what to do.  Then she remembers that pretty
soon the bus will run across some railroad tracts
and it will rattle and bang and make lots of
noise.  She will be able to pass this gas and
nobody will know.

What she doesn't know is that the bus driver also
rides the bus everyday and has grown tired of all
the noise the bus makes when it rattles and bangs
across the railroad tracts.  So last night he
stayed after work and had the maintenance crew
tighten up all the loose bolts and lubricate all
the moving parts to quiet down the old bus.

Well, here come the railroad tracts, Donna
raises up on one cheek and lets it rip.  It was
one long, loud, juicy sounding fart.  The bus
didn't rattle and bang like it usually did and now
you could hear a pin drop inside the bus as
everybody started looking around.

Donna thought that maybe no one knew who
did it and that she should just act natural.  She
thought she should just start a conversation with
someone as if nothing had happened.  She leaned
over to the man sitting across the aisle and
casually asked him, 'Do you have a transfer?'
He politely responded, 'No I don't, but the next
tree we pass I will try and grab you a handful of leaves.'
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Debra Pitts, 31,
Jennifer Tozzi, 34,
Claremont
NH

2 NH women arrested for Pizza Dewlivery man stabbing

Two women face felony charges in connection with the
stabbing and armed robbery of a pizza delivery man Saturday
morning, police said. The incident happened on Trinity
Street and the victim, who was not identified, was treated
and released from Valley Regional Hospital, Claremont Police
Capt. Brent Wilmot said in a news release.

Acting in part on tips from the public and an investigation
that included reviewing video surveillance footage from a
nearby location, police arrested Debra Pitts, 31, of
Claremont, and Jennifer Tozzi, 34, at a Claremont residence
at about 7:30 p.m. Saturday.

Tozzi also had a warrant out for her arrest in connection an
incident out of Grafton County, police said. Her hometown
was not indicated in the release.

Pitts faces a robbery charge and Tozzi has been charged with
conspiracy to commit robbery. The charges filed against both
are Class A felony-level offenses, the release said.

Pitts and Tozzi remain in custody and scheduled to be
arraigned on Monday in Claremont District Court.

An earlier police news release said an order from Domino’s
was being delivered to an apartment on Trinity Street when
the delivery driver was attacked as he arrived at the
apartment.

The driver was stabbed several times and a small amount of
money was taken. A neighbor who heard the attack intervened
and threatened to call the police, at which point the two
suspects fled on foot in the direction of Franklin Street.

Pitts lives on Trinity Street, though Police Chief Mark
Chase declined to say whether she had initiated the call to
Dominos.

“This has all the signs that it’s more than likely drug-
related,” Chase said before the arrests were made. “We’re
definitely looking at that angle. It’s just what everybody
in the state is dealing with.”

Staff at the Claremont Dominos on Saturday morning
acknowledged that the driver was recovering from his
injuries, but referred questions to a manager, who did not
immediately respond to requests for comment.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Rosalind
Re: Static strap

Dear Webby
Have to install an ether port in the tower and the book 
says I should wear an grounding wrist strap available 
at most electronics stores.  Before I spend the money  
I would like your opinion as to the necessity of wearing 
one.
 
Thanks for your newsletter, pictures and always 
dependable advice.
Rosalind

Dear Rosalind
Double your money.
Just fold it in half and stick it back into your wallet.

With today's electronics, static is not really a problem 
any more. However, if you routinely get zapped when you 
touch door knobs or the back of the computer, then take 
a couple of feet of any flexible wire, strip the insulation
of the last few inches, tie one end to bare metal at the
back of the computer, and loop the other end through your
watch band o around your wrist. 

When you work on the computer, always leave it plugged in, 
so that it is properly grounded. Anybody who tells you to 
unplug the computer is a clueless idiot.

Turn the switch on the power supply in the back to OFF. 
It will cut off all power, but will leave the ground
securely connected. 

When done, remember to turn the power supply switch 
back ON.

Make sure that your Ethernet cable is long enough, plug it 
into the port, and secure the cable to any vent holes in the

back with a tight nylon quick-tie.
That way no strain is put onto the delicate socket and plug,
and it is not damaged when somebody trips over the cable 
or somebody pulls on it while trying to straighten out the 
cable mess behind the computer.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A five-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles
shouting frantically, 'Marian, Marian!'

Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her,
'You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know.'

'I know,' said the kid, 'but the store is full of mothers.'



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reheating Evenly in a Microwave Oven 
By ShirleyE [162 Posts, 103 Comments]

When reheating a meal on a plate in your microwave oven,
arrange the food in a ring to help heat it more evenly.

 
Demolition phone call

____________________________________________________

Thanks to Kati for this story:
 An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, 
hair well  groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well 
looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. 

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,  (mid 
eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of 
her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, 
"So tell me, do I come here  often?"
___________________________________________________


 
Splattered ink animal paintings.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and 
his  parents began to yell and scream, 
"Where did you get that car???!!!" 

He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what  money?" demanded his parents. " We know what 
a Porsche costs." 

"Well,"  said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen  dollars." 

So the parents began  to yell even louder. "Who would 
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?"  they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I 
don't  know her name-they just moved in. 
She saw me ride past on my bike and  asked me if I 
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars " 

"Oh my  Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a 
child abuser.  Who knows  what she will do next? John, 
you go right up  there and see what's going  on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house 
where the  lady lived and found her out in the yard 
calmly planting petunias! 

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom 
she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and 
demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she  said, "this morning I got a phone call 
from my husband. I thought he was on a  business trip, 
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with 
his secretary and really doesn't intend to come  back. 
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his 
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." 



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 23
1348 The first English order of knighthood was founded. It
was the Order of the Garter. 

1500 Pedro Cabal claimed Brazil for Portugal. 

1521 The Comuneros were crushed by royalist troops in Spain.

1635 The Boston Public Latin School was established. It was
the first public school building in the United States. 

1759 The British seized Basse-Terre and Guadeloupe in the
Antilies from France. 

1789 U.S. President George Washington moved into Franklin
House, New York. It was the first executive mansion. 

1789 "Courier De Boston" was published for the first time.
It was the first Roman Catholic magazine in the U.S. 

1826 Missolonghi fell to Egyptian forces. 

1861 Arkansas troops seized Fort Smith. 

1895 Russia, France, and Germany forced Japan to return the
Liaodong peninsula to China. 

1896 The Vitascope system for projecting movies onto a
screen was demonstrated in New York City. 

1900 The word "hillbilly" was first used in print in an
article in the "New York Journal." It was spelled "Hill-
Billie". 

1908 U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt signed an act
creating the U.S. Army Reserve. 

1920 The Turkish Grand National Assembly had its first
meeting in Ankara. 

1924 The U.S. Senate passed the Soldiers Bonus Bill. 

1945 The Soviet Army fought its way into Berlin. 

1950 Chaing evacuated Hainan, leaving mainland China to Mao
and the communists. 

1951 The Associated Press began use of the new service of
teletype setting. 

1967 The Soyuz 1 was launched by Russia. 

1971 The Soyuz 10 was launched. 

1981 The Soviet Union conducted an underground nuclear test
at their Semipaltinsk (Kazakhstan) test site. 

1982 The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that
consumer prices declined the previous month (March). It was
the first decline in almost 17 years. 

1985 The Coca-Cola Company announced that it was changing
its 99-year-old secret formula. New Coke was not successful,
which resulted in the resumption of selling the original
version. 

1988 A U.S. federal law took effect that banned smoking on
flights that were under two hours. 

1988 In Martinez, CA, a drain valve was left open at the
Shell Marsh. More than 10,000 barrels of oil poured into the
marsh adjoining Peyton Slough. 

1988 Kanellos Kanelopoulos set three world records for
human-powered flight when he stayed in the air for 74 miles
and four hours in his pedal-powered "Daedalus". 

1996 An auction of the late Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis'
possessions began at Sotheby's in New York City. The sale
brought in #34.5 million. 

1997 An infertility doctor in California announced that a
63-year-old woman had given birth in late 1996. The child
was from a donor egg. The woman is the oldest known woman to
give birth. 

1999 In Washington, DC, the heads of state and government of
the 19 NATO nations celebrated the organization's 50th
anniversary. 

2003 U.S. President George W. Bush signed legislation that
authorized the design change of the 5-cent coin (nickel) for
release in 2004. It was the first change to the coin in 65
years. The change, to commemorate the 200th anniversary of
the Louisiana Purchase, was planned to run for only two
years before returning to the previous design. 

2004 U.S. President George W. Bush eased sanctions against
Libya in return for Moammar Gadhafi's agreement to give up
weapons of mass destruction. 

2005 The first video was uploaded to YouTube.com. 

2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 1 billion applications
bought and downloaded. 

2017  smiled.





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Modem as coffee heater 
Saturday, April 22, 2017, 05:45 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, April 22

Thank you, Sig!!

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
David Harlow, stole his dates purse on 
their first date in Phoenix, Arizona.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 22 in
1500 Portuguese navigator Pedro Alvares Cabral 
discovered Brazil. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
>From Fran:
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a
large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the
top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in
just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down
as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty
fingers, that were poised over fifty machine start-up
buttons,
pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

>From Mariana
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended
a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking
the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love
you so much we decided to bring another child into this
family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband
came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I
decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Can she cook?"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Thanks to Dedav for this one:
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says,
"Get out of here with that dog!"   
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can  
play the piano!"   

The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,  

"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on   
the house!"   

The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts 
playing.  Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons  
are loving it.   

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the   
scruff of the neck, and drags him out.  The bartender asks 
the guy, "What was that all about?"   

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him   
to be a dentist." 	
______________________________________________________



Skunked!
______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

David Harlow,
38,
Phoenix,
Arizona

David Harlow, stole his dates purse on 
their first date in Phoenix, Arizona.

The Phoenix Police Department says 38-year-old David Harlow
has been arrested for allegedly stealing a woman’s purse
during a first date.

Police say Harlow met the woman on Tinder, and the two
talked for several weeks before meeting in person at a
resort in Phoenix. 
During the date, the victim went to the restroom and asked
Harlow to watch her belongings. When she got back, Harlow
and her purse were reportedly gone.

Harlow allegedly took the victim’s credit card to a casino
and tried to withdraw money from several banks.
"I feel like I took the appropriate cautions with this," the
woman explained in a recent interview with ABC15. "Meeting
him in public at a busy venue during the day." 

She says she felt comfortable enough to leave her belongings
with the man because she thought they had connected, and
had been talking for several weeks.

Police say Harlow has involvement in similar incidents in
the past. He has been booked on charges of felony theft,
theft of a credit card, and taking the identity of another.

Welcome to Joe Arpaios pink suit camp site, @#$%?&!

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Petra
Re: Modem heater

Dear Webby
My good old DSL modem died and I had to replace it.
The new one is not keeping my coffee hot like the old
one used to do. Any simple remedies for that?
Petra

Dear Petra,
heating coffee too long makes it sour and tasting bad.

Keeping it hot in a stainless steel thermos is a good
solution. Millions of industrial and mining workers 
have done that for many decades. I still have my good
old Stanley stainless steel thermos, that I bought, when I
was working at the ALCAN smelter in the 70s. It still works
fine, even though I dented it in a bad motorcycle accident
in the 80s.

They are probably a lot less expensive now.

If you do not want an industrial looking thermos on your
desk, search for "usb cup heater". 
Amazon lists them from $5 up. They range from dainty 
to cute in many designer colors.

They even have one, that you recharge from your USB port and
can then take along to the outhouse or picnic.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. 
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. 
Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"

The witness replied, "MY mother did!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning Dirty Glass Bottles 
By Pattie McIntyre [38 Posts, 56 Comments]
Try filling the bottle about halfway with water. Add a
couple of tablespoons of ammonia. Using a funnel, pour in a
couple of tablespoons of raw rice. Shake vigorously, then
rinse. The rice "scrubs" the inside of the bottle. Hope this
helps.

 
father films daughter 0 - 14 years old

____________________________________________________

In days past, children were given names that sound strange 
to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. 
One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. 
People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that,
when the time came, he did not want his name on his 
tombstone. 

When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the 
tombstone, 
"Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because 
everyone that looked at his tombstone said, 
"WOW! That's Amazing!"
___________________________________________________


 
Chalk art drawings.

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical 
attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, 
few people shed a tear. 

Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter 
was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates 
as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a 
question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what 
kind of golf course you have here" he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed 
"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." 
He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse 
for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend 
eternity playing on that course!"

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over his
gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer." 
Michael peered through the gate and he is elated! 
There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has 
ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says 
"I want to be on THAT course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the 
Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked 
up to the first tee and said "I can't wait to play! 
Where are my clubs and ball? 

The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, they are on the
other side!  That's why their course looks so worn out!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 22
1500 Portuguese navigator Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered
Brazil. 

1509 Henry VIII ascended to the throne of England upon the
death of his father Henry VII. 

1529 Spain and Portugal divided the eastern hemisphere in
the Treaty of Saragosa. 

1745 The Peace of Fussen was signed, restoring the status
quo of Germany. 

1792 U.S. President George Washington proclaimed American
neutrality in the war in Europe. 

1861 Robert E. Lee was named commander of Virginia forces. 

1864 The U.S. Congress passed legislation that allowed the
inscription "In God We Trust" to be included on one-cent and
two-cent coins. 

1889 At noon, the Oklahoma land rush officially started as
thousands of Americans raced for new, unclaimed land. Those,
who had snuck in there before were called "Sooners", a name
often applied to all Oklahomans.

1898 The first shot of the Spanish-American war occurred
when the USS Nashville captured a Spanish merchant ship. 

1915 At the Second Battle Ypres the Germans became the first
country to use poison gas. 

1918 British naval forces attempted to sink block-ships in
the German U-boat bases at the Battle of Zeeburgge. 

1930 The U.S., Britain and Japan signed the London Naval
Treaty, which regulated submarine warfare and limited
shipbuilding. 

1931 Egypt signed the treaty of friendship with Iraq. 

1931 James G. Ray landed an autogyro on the lawn of the
White House. 

1944 During World War II, the Allies launched a major attack
against the Japanese in Hollandia, New Guinea. 

1952 An atomic test conducted in Nevada was the first
nuclear explosion shown on live network television. 

1987 The American Physical Society said that the "Star Wars"
missile system was "highly questionable" and would take ten
years to research. 

1993 The U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum was dedicated in
Washington, DC. 

1997 In Lima, Peru government commandos storm and capture
the residence of the Japanese ambassador ending a 126-day
hostage crisis. In the rescue 71 hostages were saved. Those
killed: one hostage (of a heart attack), two soldiers, and
all 14 rebels. 

2000 Elian Gonzalez was reunited with his father. He had to
be taken from his Miami relatives by U.S. agents in a
predawn raid. 

2002 Filippino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo ordered a
state of emergency in the city of General Santos in response
to a series of bombing attacks the day before. The attacks
were blamed on Muslim extremists. 

2010 The Boeing X-37 began its first orbital mission. It
successfully returned to Earth on December 3, 2010. 

2017  smiled.






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Free and legitimate music 
Friday, April 21, 2017, 10:51 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, April 21
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Connecticut drunk driver with drunkards t-shirt
arrested after crashing into cemetery wall
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 21 in
753 BC Traditional date of the foundation of Rome. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Not even computers will replace committees, 
because committees buy computers.
--- Edward Shepherd Mead

There is not any memory with less satisfaction 
than the memory of some temptation we resisted.
--- James Branch Cabell
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up 
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks 
down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his 
surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully 
dressed in camouflage. 

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?" 

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" 
 
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, 
reluctantly decides to take her along. 
 
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just 
outside of San Marcos, Texas. 
 
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and 
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and 
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." 
 
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that 
Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. 

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an 
array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. 
As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, 
"Get the hell away from my deer!" 
 
Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his 
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell,
"Get the hell away from my deer!" followed by another 
volley of gunfire! 
 
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is 
surprised to see a Texas cowboy with his hands high 
in the air. 
 
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! 
You can have your damn deer!
Just let me get my saddle off it!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Priests just can't stay out of trouble here these days.
It seems the Church is being REAL careful and
smacking down some behavior that, in the past, would have
certainly been encouraged.

For instance, there's this tale of a priest I heard about,
who was trying to modernize the church.  You
know, to help bring young people into the fold.

But the Bishop stopped by and had a chat with the young
parish priest.

"John," the bishop said, "I don't want to say you've had no
successes.  You told us to put a little more beat in to the
music and that got some young folks back to church.  I
supported you, you know this, when you wanted a rock &
roll gospel choir."

"So," John asked, "What's the problem?"

"Well, it's that 'drive-thru' confessional idea you came up
with."

"What's wrong with it? Look at the line-up out there! I am
going to need a couple of helpers by the end of the month!"

"I think what drove the Monsignor over the edge was the
neon sign that said, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell!'"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Harrison Wooton,
25,
Woodstock,
Connecticut

Connecticut drunk driver with drunkards t-shirt
arrested after crashing into cemetery wall

The 25-year-old Connecticut man was arrested early yesterday
for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a wall
outside a graveyard near his home in Woodstock.

As seen above, Wooton was wearing a t-shirt declaring “Hold
My Beer And Watch This” when he was collared for drunk
driving and failure to drive in the proper lane.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Alice
Re: Free music

Dear Webby
Is there a place on the web where you can legitimately
get free music, without worrying about getting in trouble.
I don't mean whole CD's, just enough of each artist to see
if their music is worth spending money on. 
Thanks
Alice

Dear Alice
Try http://www.soundclick.com/
You get one or two songs per artist there, just perfect for
finding out who is woth the cost of a CD. Quality is pretty 
good, but expect to have to adjust the volume for each
song. 

That site is better suited for serious research and Santa
Claus list building, than for casual background music. The
quality is excellent, but you have to keep selecting
artists.

I prefer http://accuradio.com 
There you select one of about a thousand channels like for
example "Blonde Country", or "70's Bluegrass" or "Brazilian
Jazz", or whatever you are in the mood for, and let it rip.
It will continue to play music from your selected channel,
and even remember your selection. 
You can rate individual artists, and skip the ones you don't
like, and even ban artists you don't like.

I have all the screechers banned and rated quite a few, so
my background music is quite pleasant.

You log in with your email address and a password. That
means your history and preferences are waiting for you no
matter which or whose machine you use. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy
function, asked: "Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz
with me?"

"Certainly not," was the reply. "First, you are drunk.
Second, it is not a waltz, but the Venezuelan National
Anthem; and third, I am not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but
the papal nuncio."


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Getting Sand Off Your Feet 
With the summer coming I thought this would be good to share, 
to remove any dry or wet sand, put baby powder on sandy 
feet or legs and wipe with towel. Your feet and legs will 
come clean and you'll smell nice and fresh. 
By Eleanor

 
how to make homemade ice

____________________________________________________

Once there was a guy that needed to make some money.
He came up with an interesting plan.
He had seen an elephant stand on 4 legs, 3 legs, 2 legs, 
even 1 leg.
He had never seen an elephant stand on no legs.
So he went out and bought an elephant.

He posted a sign letting people know he was giving
$1000 to anyone that can make his elephant stand on no
legs.

For each try he charged $200.

So people came and went and the man was making alot of
money because everyone was failing.
One day, a man in a blue truck drove up and paid his
$200.

He walked over to the elephant with a large stick
behind his back.

He said "Now elephant, I want you to stand on no legs."

The elephant just stared.

So the guy walked around to the back of the elephant
and WHACK!!! with the stick, right in the unmentionables.

The elephant jumped up and the man received his $1000.

The elephants owner had to think of a better plan
because the guy took all the money he had made that day.

So he said, "I have seen an elephant shake his head up
and down but I have never seen an elephant shake his
head left to right."

So people came and went paying their money but never
getting the elephant to shake it's head left to right.

The man in the blue truck drove up and walked up to the
elephant and said, "Do you remember me?"

The elephant shook its head up and down.

The man said "Do you want me to do it again?"

Did he win another $1000 ?
Noooo, he didn't.
The elephant remembered him and his stick, 
grabbed both with his trunk and with a swift and straight
throw, threw them into a cement mixer across the street.
___________________________________________________


 
10 most dangerous roads around the world.

Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations:
"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard.
I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit cal-
ling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock,
five miles. If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you
nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and GIT! Our brakes don't work
at this altitude."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings." 

"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME, 
OPEN YOUR WINDOW SHADES!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 21
753 BC Today is the traditional date of the foundation of
Rome. 

43 BC Marcus Antonius was defeated by Octavian near Modena,
Italy. 

1526 Mongol Emperor Babur annihilated the Indian Army of
Ibrahim Lodi. 

1649 The Maryland Toleration Act was passed, allowing all
freedom of worship. 

1689 William III and Mary II were crowned joint king and
queen of England, Scotland and Ireland. 

1836 General Sam Houston defeated Santa Anna at the Battle
of San Jacinto. This battle decided the independence of
Texas. 

1856 The Mississippi River was crossed by a rail train for
the first time (between Davenport, IA, and Rock Island, IL).


1862 The U.S. Congress established the U.S. Mint in Denver,
CO. 

1892 The first Buffalo was born in Golden Gate Park. 

1898 The Spanish-American War began. 

1914 U.S. Marines occupied Vera Cruz, Mexico. The troops
stayed for six months. 

1916 Bill Carlisle, the infamous "last train robber," robbed
a train in Hanna, WY. 

1918 German fighter ace Manfred von Richthofen, "The Red
Baron," was shot down and killed during World War I. 

1943 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt announced that
several Doolittle bomber pilots had been executed by the
Japanese. 

1959 Alf Dean caught a 16-foot, 10-inch white shark that
weighed 2,664 pounds. At the time it was the largest catch
with a rod and reel. 

1960 Brasilia became the capital of Brazil. 

1961 The French army revolted in Algeria. 

1967 Svetlana Alliluyeva (Svetlana Stalina) defected in New
York City. She was the daughter of Joseph Stalin. 

1967 In Athens, Army colonels took over the government and
installed Constantine Kollias as premier. 

1972 Apollo 16 astronauts John Young and Charles Duke
explored the surface of the moon. 

1975 South Vietnam president, Nguyen Van Thieu, resigned,
condemning the United States. 

1984 In France, it was announced that doctors had found
virus believed to cause AIDS. 

1985 Manuel Ortega proposed a cease-fire for Nicaragua. 

1986 Geraldo Rivera opened a vault that belonged to Al
Capone at the Lexington Hotel in Chicago. Nothing of
interest was found inside. 

1992 Robert Alton Harris became the first person executed by
the state of California in 25 years. He was put to death for
the 1978 murder of two teen-age boys. 

1994 Jackie Parker became the first woman to qualify to fly
an F-16 combat plane. 

2000 In Sinking Spring, PA, a man chased his estranged
girlfriend through town and then forced her car into the
path of an oncoming train. The woman and her 3 passengers
were killed. 

2000 North Carolina researchers announced that the heart of
a 66 million-year-old dinosaur was more like a mammal or
bird than that of a reptile. 

2000 The 1998 Children's Online Privacy Protection Act went
into effect. 

2002 In the city of General Santos, 14 people were killed
and 69 were injured in a bomb attack on a department store.
The attack was blamed on Muslim extremists. 

2009 UNESCO launched The World Digital Library. The World
Digital Library (WDL) is an international digital library
operated by UNESCO and the United States Library of
Congress. 

2017  smiled.






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Privacy and domain name registration 
Thursday, April 20, 2017, 09:52 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>








Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 20
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
NY woman in drunkards t-shirt in 
drunk driving bust
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 20 in
1653 In England, Oliver Cromwell expelled the Long
Parliament for trying to pass the Perpetuation Bill that
would have kept Parliament in the hands of only a few
members. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Don't part with your illusions. 
When they are gone you may still exist, 
but you have ceased to live.
-- Mark Twain
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
A nice girl brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. 
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about 
the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for a chat.  
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé. 

"I am a Biblical scholar," he replies. 

"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to 
provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she's 
accustomed to?" 

"I will study," the young man replies, 
"and God will provide for us." 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, 
such as she deserves?" 

"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us." 

"And children? How will you support children?" 

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide." 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the 
father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?" 

"He has no job and no plans, but he thinks I'm God." 
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Woman on cell phone at mall parking lot:
"Hello, psychic hotline?  Where did I park my car?"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Ladion Logan, 
31
Queens,
New York City


NY woman in drunkards t-shirt in 
drunk driving bust

A New York City woman wearing a “Support Your Local
Bartender” t-shirt was arrested yesterday for driving drunk
with her six-year-old son in the car.

Ladion Logan, a 31-year-old Queens resident, was collared by
Long Island cops after she slammed into a parked vehicle in
Uniondale, a Nassau County hamlet.

When police arrived at the accident scene, Logan reportedly
began screaming and cursing at them. Following a brief
struggle, Logan was handcuffed and placed into a police
cruiser.

Seen above, Logan was charged with drunk driving, resisting
arrest, and endangering the welfare of a child. Logan’s son-
-who was not injured in the crash--was released into the
custody of family members, police reported.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Craig
Re: Privacy and domain registrations

Dear Webby
Is it true that registering a domain causes a lot of spam
unless you pay a lot of extra money for those rip-off
proxy or private registrations?
Craig

Dear Craig
That depends entirely on where you register your domain,
Proxy and private registrations are indeed a rip-off, and 
cause a lot of unnecessary rigmarole. I don't advise them.

I have been registering domains for our clients for 25
years and know all the tricks. If you want privacy and 
eliminate all the spam associated with being listed as a
domain owner, I make you a special address for just that.
Then you set up a filter in MailWasher or your mail program
to filter all mail, that comes to that address, straight to 
the trash. 

If you ever do need access to that address, for example
to acknowledge an application for some address changes, then
you simply disable that filter for half a day.

For the billing address of your domain I always use our
billing address and pay for your annual renewal on your 
behalf. It then just shows up as a line item on your next, 
regular invoice. And we deal with the spam that is trying 
to get to your name registration billing address. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby



>From Ines
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. 
We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we 
decided to call the customer support phone number we 
found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man 
answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us 
even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as 
if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you 
please put your mommy on the phone?"


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Best Ever Brownies 
By Holly805 [12 Posts, 10 Comments]
These are so rich and chocolatey! The recipe calls for cocoa
powder, which lasts longer and is a little less expensive
than baking chocolate. Use Dutch-processed cocoa powder when
possible. Great for any time, any season!
Total Time: 45 minutes
Yield: at least a dozen
Source: Recipe courtesy of my mom



Ingredients:
1 cup butter
1/4 cup shortening
3/4 cup cocoa powder
4 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup walnuts (optional)
1/4 cup powdered sugar for dusting (optional)

Steps:
Melt butter and shortening over low heat.
As soon as it is completely melted, whisk in the cocoa
powder and beat till smooth.
Stir in the sugar and remove the mixture from the heat.
Break four eggs into a separate bowl, to catch any bits of
shell, and then thoroughly beat into the sugary mixture. It
should become smooth and glossy.

Stir in the vanilla, and then stir in the flour and nuts
(nuts optional).

Pour into a greased and lightly floured 13 X 9 inch pan.
Gently push the batter to fill the edges of the pan and make
light swirls over the top. This is what creates that nice,
paper-thin crisp on the top.

Bake for 25-30 minutes.

If you want to dress up the brownies, Sift a little powdered
sugar over small templates. You can also cut out a
snowflake/flower pattern from a small circle of paper (which
is what I did). Hold the template in place on each
individual brownie while you sift the powdered sugar 1-2
tablespoons at a time over their tops. Gently lift off the
templates, making sure not to displace any sugar.

Enjoy!

 
Smack the Penguin

____________________________________________________

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want
to stand out, so they  decide to buy casual clothes.
They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print  T-
shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a
tiny bikini walking  their way. As she walks past them,
she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand
how the woman knew they  were priests. They decide to
go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy  tie-
died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The
next day, they hit  the beach in their wild new
clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string
bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do,
fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask
the blonde, "Excuse me,  ma'am. We're not ashamed of
being priests, but how in the world did you know who
we were?"

The blonde replies "Father, don't you recognize
me? I'm Sister Catherine  from the convent!"
___________________________________________________


 
This street art is a little different.

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-
old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When
she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her 
relatives came to visit. 
"May we see the new baby?" one asked. 
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can 
visit for awhile first." 

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, 
"May we see the new baby now?" 
"No, not yet," said the mother. 

After another half hour had elapsed, they asked again, 
"Can we see the baby now?" 
"No, not yet," replied the mother. 
Growing very impatient, they asked, 
"Well, when CAN we see the baby?" 
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them. 
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. 
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??" 
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him." 


Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 20
1139 The Second Lateran Council opened in Rome. 

1534 Jacques Cartier, a French explorer, set sail from St.
Malo to explore the North American coastline. 

1653 In England, Oliver Cromwell expelled the Long
Parliament for trying to pass the Perpetuation Bill that
would have kept Parliament in the hands of only a few
members. 

1657 English Admiral Robert Blake fought his last battle
when he destroyed the Spanish fleet in Santa Cruz Bay. 

1689 The siege of Londonderry began. Supporters of James II
attacked the city. 

1769 Ottawa Chief Pontiac was murdered by an Illinois Indian
in Cahokia. 

1775 American troops began the siege of British-held Boston.


1792 France declared war on Austria, Prussia, and Sardinia.
It was the start of the French Revolutionary wars. 

1809 Napoleon defeated Austria at Battle of Abensberg,
Bavaria. 

1832 Hot Springs National Park was established by an act of
the U.S. Congress. It was the first national park in the
U.S. 

1837 Erastus B. Bigelow was granted a patent for his power
loom. 

1841 In Philadelphia, PA, Edgar Allen Poe's first detective
story, "The Murders in the Rue Morgue," was published in
Graham's Magazine. 

1861 Robert E. Lee resigned from U.S. Army. 

1865 Safety matches were first advertised. 

1879 First mobile home (horse drawn) was used in a journey
from London to Cyprus. 

1902 Scientists Marie and Pierre Curie isolated the
radioactive element radium. 

1916 Sir Roger Casement landed in Ireland to incite
rebellion against the British. Casement, a British diplomat,
was captured within hours and was hanged for high treason on
August 3. 

1919 The Polish Army captured Vilno, Lithuania from the
Soviets. 

1940 The First electron microscope was demonstrated by RCA. 

1942 Pierre Laval, the premier of Vichy France, in a radio
broadcast, establishes a policy of "true reconciliation with
Germany." 

1945 Soviet troops began their attack on Berlin. 

1945 During World War II, Allied forces took control of the
German cities of Nuremberg and Stuttgart. 

1953 Operation Little Switch began in Korea. It was the
exchange of sick and wounded prisoners of war. Thirty
Americans were freed. 

1953 The Boston marathon was won by Keizo Yamada with a
record time of 2:18:51. 

1961 FM stereo broadcasting was approved by the FCC. 

1962 The New Orleans Citizens' Council offered a free one-
way ride for blacks to move to northern states. 

1967 U.S. planes bombed Haiphong for first time during the
Vietnam War. 

1971 The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the use of busing to
achieve racial desegregation in schools. 

1972 The manned lunar module from Apollo 16 landed on the
moon. 

1977 Woody Allen's film "Annie Hall" premiered. 

1981 A spokesman for the U.S. Navy announced that the U.S.
was accepting full responsibility for the sinking of the
Nissho Maru on April 9. 

1984 Britain announced that its administration of Hong Kong
would cease in 1997. 

1985 In Madrid, Santiago Carillo was purged from the
Communist Party. Carillo was a founder of Eurocommunism. 

1987 In Argentina, President Raul Alfonsin quelled a
military revolt. 

1988 The U.S. Air Forces' Stealth (B-2 bomber) was
officially unveiled. 

1989 Scientist announced the successful testing of high-
definition TV. 

1991 Mikhail Gorbachev became the first Soviet head of state
to visit South Korea. 

1992 The worlds largest fair, Expo '92, opened in Seville,
Spain. 

1998 Kenyan runner Moses Tanui, 32, won the Boston Marathon
for the second time. He also registered the third fastest
time with 2 hours 7 minutes and 34 seconds.

2017  smiled.





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Wacky punctuation marks 
Wednesday, April 19, 2017, 12:57 PM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, April 19
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida waiter arrested for stealing $3,000 
diamond ring
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 19 in
1587 English admiral Sir Francis Drake entered Cadiz harbor
and sank the Spanish fleet. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past.
--- William Faulkner (1897 - 1962)

Not everything that can be counted counts, 
and not everything that counts can be counted.
--- Euripides
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered
private. I suppose after you get discharged from the Army,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and
piss on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the
Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a 
popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an 
elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing 
a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual 
intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. 

The questioner smiled. "I thought you Italians were supposed
to be more active than that!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman.
"But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad 
for a seventy-two year old priest with no car."
______________________________________________________



inbred pigeon
______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,                                                                                                                      height="26" border="0">
Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Wesley Aaron Dicus,
27,
Pensacola,
Floriduh

Florida waiter arrested for stealing $3,000 
diamond ring

A Florida waiter is accused of stealing a $3,000 diamond
ring that fell off a customer's finger.

Pensacola police tell news outlets that 27-year-old Wesley
Aaron Dicus was arrested Tuesday on charges of grand theft
and dealing in stolen property.

The Pensacola News Journal reports a 39-year-old woman told
police she believed the ring slipped off when she put lotion
on her hands. The ring was later identified on an online app
called OfferUp.

Police say detectives posing as a couple met with Dicus and
he offered to sell it to them for $2,000. Police arrested
him when the markings on the ring matched the woman's
description.

Dicus remains in jail on a $12,500 bond.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Doris
Re: Wacky punctuation marks on web pages

Dear Webby
Dear Webby:
Lately I have seen more and more web pages that have
question marks and wacky symbols where one would expect
a quote or double-quote mark or some other punctuation
mark. I have also seen it in some of the blander blogs. 
I won't visit those again anyway, because of their lack of
interesting content, but I am wondering if that is just 
sloppiness or some new trend. I have even seen it in
some articles on anti-government on-line "papers" like
CNN and NY-Times-online.
What's the story behind that?
Doris

Dear Doris
It's just sloppiness by people who don't know HTML, and 
who just quickly slobber their stuff into MS WORD and then
save it as HTML.

What is a real nuisance is that sometimes it looks OK, but
sometimes it doesn't.
You may have noticed in the Bonehead Awards, paragraphs that
I copied form certain online newspapers, also have that
problem. Usually I catch the stuff, but sometimes I don't
notice the curly quotes and similar gibberish from yuppies
pretending to be literate.

Sorry about that!
Have FUN!
DearWebby



A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife
who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her
for a similar pain.

After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain
disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one
behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained
what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun,
saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a
fallen womb, God knows how I'm going to get your balls back
down!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Saving Money on Packed Lunches 
All four of my kids take packed lunches. To save money on 
the snacks that go in, I buy big bags of chips, cheeses, 
whatever, and bargain sandwich bags, then pack the snacks 
in them. Saves a lot over buying the individual snack packs 
that are made to fit into the lunches. I make my own peanut

butter crackers too, with saltines or Ritz-type. It takes a 
few minutes extra in the morning, but it does save money. 
Marjorie

 
The strange case of twins

____________________________________________________
A solicitor for a charity made an appointment with the 
mayor to plead for a contribution. The man listened to her 
appeal in stony silence. 
Finally, she said, "Did you know, sir, that the equivalent 
of a dollar will feed a child in India for one month?" 

Still, there's no response, and the solicitor leaves. 

The next day, the mayor senr his three children to India. 
___________________________________________________


 
This street art is a little different.

At one point during the little league game, the coach said 
to his young son, who was playing in the game, 
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win 
together as a team?" 

The little boy nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you 
are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire and call him nasty names. Do you understand all
that?" 

Again, the little boy nodded yes. 

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it 
to your mother." 



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 19

1012 Aelfheah was murdered by Danes who had been ravaging
the south of England. Aelfhear became the 29th Archbishop of
Canterbury in 1005. 

1539 Emperor Charles V reached a truce with German
Protestants at Frankfurt, Germany. 

1587 English admiral Sir Francis Drake entered Cadiz harbor
and sank the Spanish fleet. 

1689 Residents of Boston ousted their governor, Edmond
Andros. 

1713 Holy Roman Emperor Charles VI issued the Pragmatic
Sanction, which gave women the rights of succession to
Hapsburg possessions. 

1764 The English Parliament banned the American colonies
from printing paper money. 

1770 Captain James Cook discovered New South Wales,
Australia. Cook originally named the land Point Hicks. 

1775 The American Revolution began as fighting broke out at
Lexington, MA. 

1782 The Netherlands recognized the new United States. 

1794 Tadeusz Kosciuszko forced the Russians out of Warsaw. 

1802 The Spanish reopened the New Orleans port to American
merchants. 

1839 The Kingdom of Belgium was recognized by all the states
of Europe when the Treaty of London was signed. 

1861 Thaddeus S. C. Lowe sailed 900 miles in nine hours in a
hot air balloon from Cincinnati, OH, to Unionville, SC. 

1861 The Baltimore riots resulted in four Union soldiers and
nine civilians killed. 

1861 U.S. President Lincoln ordered a blockade of
Confederate ports. 

1892 The Duryea gasoline buggy was introduced in the U.S. by
Charles and Frank Duryea. 

1897 The first annual Boston Marathon was held. It was the
first of its type in the U.S. 

1927 In China, Hankow communists declared war on Chaing Kai-
shek. 

1933 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt issued a
proclamation that removed the U.S. from the gold standard. 

1938 General Francisco Franco declared victory over the
Communists in the Spanish Civil War. 

1939 Connecticut approved the Bill of Rights for the U.S.
Constitution after 148 years. 

1943 The Warsaw Ghetto uprising against Nazi rule began. The
Jews were able to fight off the Germans for 28 days. 

1951 General Douglas MacArthur gave his "Old Soldiers"
speech before the U.S. Congress after being relieved by U.S.
President Truman. In the address General MacArthur said that
"Old soldiers never die, they just fade away." 

1951 Shigeki Tanaka won the Boston Marathon. Tanaka had
survived the atomic blast at Hiroshima, Japan during World
War II. 

1956 Actress Grace Kelly became Princess Grace of Monaco
when she married Prince Rainier III of Monaco. The civil
ceremony took place on April 18. 

1960 Baseball uniforms began displaying player's names on
their backs. 

1967 Surveyor 3 landed on the moon and began sending photos
back to the U.S. 

1971 Russia launched the Salyut into orbit around Earth. It
was the first space station. 

1975 India launched its first satellite with aid from the
USSR. 

1981 In Davao, Philippines, thirteen people were killed when
members of the New People's Army threw hand grenades into
the Roman Catholic cathedral during Easter services. 

1982 The U.S. announced a ban on U.S. tourist and business
traval to Cuba. The U.S. charged the Cuban government with
subversion in Central America. 

1987 In Phoenix, AZ, skydiver Gregory Robertson went into a
200-mph free-fall to save an unconscious colleague 3,500
feet from the ground. 

1987 The last California condor known to be in the wild was
captured and placed in a breeding program at the San Diego
Wild Animal Park. 

1989 A gun turret exploded aboard the USS Iowa. 47 sailors
were killed. 

1989 In El Salvador, Attorney General Alvadora was killed by
a car bomb. 

1993 The Branch-Davidian’s compound in Waco, TX, burned to
the ground. It was the end of a 51-day standoff between the
cult and U.S. federal agents. 86 people were killed
including 17 children. Nine of the Branch Davidians escaped
the fire. 

1994 A Los Angeles jury awarded $3.8 million to Rodney King
for violation of his civil rights. 

1995 The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City,
OK, was destroyed by a bomb. It was the worst bombing on
U.S. territory. 168 people were killed including 19
children, and 500 were injured. Timothy McVeigh was found
guilty of the bombing on June 2, 1997. 

1998 Wang Dan, a leader of 1989 Tienanmen Square pro
democracy protests, was freed by the Chinese government. 

2000 In the Philippines, Air Philippines GAP 541 crashed
while preparing to land. 131 people were killed. 

2002 The USS Cole was relaunched. In Yemen, 17 sailors were
killed when the ship was attacked by terrorists on October
12, 2000. The attack was blamed on Osama bin Laden's al-
Qaida network. 

2017  smiled.






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How to get rid of temp files and obsolete stuff 
Tuesday, April 18, 2017, 10:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, April 18
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Police impersonator pulls over uniformed 
Miami-Dade police detective
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 18 in
1521 Martin Luther confronted the emperor Charles V in the
Diet of Worms and refused to retract his views that led to
his excommunication.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
In the part of this universe that we know there is great
injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked
prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more
annoying.
--- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was
being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
--- Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)

What would men be without women?  
Scarce, sir .... mighty scarce.
--- Mark Twain

"True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, 
the zest of creating things new."
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
"Honey," said a husband to his wife, 
"I invited a friend home for supper." 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go 
shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like 
cooking fancy meal!" 

"I know all that," said the husband. 

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" the wife 
demanded. 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married." 
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Hmmm, interesting!
Penguins are found in the Antarctic, not Arctic. 
Penguins can jump as high as 2 feet in the air. 
Penguins only have sex once a year. 

Is that because they walk like a punk with oversize pants
haf-way down the hips, exposing rear cleavage ?
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,                                                                                                                      height="26" border="0">
Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Marcos Pacheco-Bustamante
46,
Miami-Dade,
Floriduh

Police impersonator pulls over uniformed 
Miami-Dade police detective

A police impersonator chose the wrong person to mess with on
Friday when he pulled over a Miami-Dade police detective,
authorities said.

According to an arrest report, the detective was driving
north on Interstate 95 in a county-issued unmarked vehicle
when he was pulled over shortly before 7:30 a.m. by Marcos
Pacheco-Bustamante.

Police said Pacheco-Bustamante, 46, of Miami, who was
driving a Ford Crown Victoria, pulled up behind the
detective's vehicle and activated police sirens, causing the
detective to change lanes.

Police said the suspect continued to follow the detective,
so the detective pulled over to the shoulder of the road
near Northwest 119th Street.

The detective, who was in full uniform, got out of his
vehicle and realized that he was dealing with a police
impersonator, the report said.

The detective arrested Pacheco-Bustamante and searched his
vehicle, finding an H&K BB gun replica and a blue police
light, authorities said.

Pacheco-Bustamante was interviewed by detectives, who said
he confessed to pulling over other drivers.

Pacheco-Bustamante is being held at the Turner Guilford
Knight Correctional Center on a charge of impersonating a
police officer.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Rhonda
Re: Clean temp files and obsolete stuff

Dear Webby
Which of the hundreds of programs available for cleaning
old temp files and other useless stuff is the most bang for
the buck ?
Thanks
Rhonda

Dear Rhonda
Try CrapCleaner. It does the same as programs costing over
$100, but it's free, fast, easy to use and reliable..

You can get it from http://www.piriform.com/ccleaner

They now have a Cloud version that lets you clean a whole
bunch of computers with one click. 
Personally, I prefer the classic version and do one machine
at a time.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"One-seventy." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale.

It turns out that his weight is 183.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven." he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only
5' 8 1/2".

She then takes his blood pressure, and it's
very high.

The man explains, "Of course it's high.  When
I came in here, I was tall and wiry. Now, I'm
short and fat!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Pineapple Cream Cheese Frosting
By lalala... [818 Posts, 103 Comments]
This pineapple cream cheese frosting is a fun twist on
traditional cream cheese frosting.
Source: Recipe by Lady Behind the Curtain

Ingredients:
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup crushed pineapple, with juice
2 lb powdered sugar

Steps:
In a medium bowl, combine cream cheese and butter, creaming
until fluffy. Add vanilla and pineapple, mixing well. Add
powdered sugar, 1 cup at a time.
Frost cupcakes and enjoy! NOTE: Store frosted cupcakes in
the refrigerator, as this frosting is quite soft.



 
The strange case of twins

____________________________________________________

>From Robert:
The doctor told me: I have good news and bad news. 
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
___________________________________________________


 
These cakes are too pretty to eat!

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the 
IRS Tax auditor, who had come to review his records.  
At one point the auditor exclaimed, 
"Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed 
to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an 
obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly 
pay them with a smile." 

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin 
on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going 
to want me to pay with money." 



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 18
1521 Martin Luther confronted the emperor Charles V in the
Diet of Worms and refused to retract his views that led to
his excommunication. 

1676 Sudbury, Massachusetts, was attacked by Indians. 

1775 American revolutionaries Paul Revere, William Dawes and
Samuel Prescott rode though the towns of Massachusetts
giving the warning that the Regulars were coming out. Later,
the phrase "the British are coming" was attributed to Revere
even though it is unlikely he used that wording. 

1791 National Guardsmen prevented Louis XVI and his family
from leaving Paris. 

1818 A regiment of Indians and blacks were defeated at the
Battle of Suwann, in Florida, ending the first Seminole War.

1838 The Wilkes' expedition to the South Pole set sail. 

1846 The telegraph ticker was patented by R.E. House 

1847 U.S. troops defeated almost 17,000 Mexican soldiers
commanded by Santa Anna at Cerro Gordo. (Mexican-American
War) 

1853 The first train in Asia began running from Bombay to
Tanna. 

1861 Colonel Robert E. Lee turned down an offer to command
the Union armies during the U.S. Civil War. 

1877 Charles Cros wrote a paper that described the process
of recording and reproducing sound. In France, Cros is
regarded as the inventor of the phonograph. In the U.S.,
Thomas Edison gets the credit. 

1895 New York State passed an act that established free
public baths. 

1906 San Francisco, CA, was hit with an earthquake. The
original death toll was cited at about 700. Later
information indicated that the death toll may have been 3 to
4 times the original estimate. 

1910 Walter R. Brookins made the first airplane flight at
night. 

1924 Simon and Schuster, Inc. published the first "Crossword
Puzzle Book." 

1934 The first Laundromat opened in Fort Worth, TX. 

1937 Leon Trotsky called for the overthrow of Soviet leader
Josef Stalin. 

1938 Superman made his debut when he appeared in the first
issue of Action Comics. (Cover date June 1938) 

1942 James H. Doolittle and his squadron, from the USS
Hornet, raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities. 

1942 The Vichy government capitulated to Adolf Hitler and
invited Pierre Laval to form a new government in France. 

1943 Traveling in a bomber, Japanese Admiral Isoroku
Yamamoto, was shot down by American P-38 fighters. 

1945 American war correspondent Ernie Pyle was killed by
Japanese gunfire on the Pacific island of Ie Shima, off
Okinawa. He was 44 years old. 

1949 The Republic of Ireland was established. 

1950 The first transatlantic jet passenger trip was
completed. 

1954 Colonel Gamal Abdel Nasser seized power in Egypt. 

1956 Actress Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier of Monaco were
married. The religious ceremony took place April 19. 

1978 The U.S. Senate approved the transfer of the Panama
Canal to Panama on December 31, 1999. 

1980 Rhodesia became independent nation of Zimbabwe. 

1983 The U.S. Embassy in Beirut was blown up by a suicide
car-bomber. 63 people were killed including 17 Americans. 

1984 Daredevils Mike MacCarthy and Amanda Tucker made a sky
dive from the Eiffel Tower. The jump ended safely. 

1985 Ted Turner filed for a hostile takeover of CBS. 

1985 Tulane University abolished its 72-year-old basketball
program. The reason was charges of fixed games, drug abuse,
and payments to players. 

1989 Thousands of Chinese students demanding democracy tried
to storm Communist Party headquarters in Beijing. 

1999 Wayne Gretzky (New York Rangers) played his final game
in the NHL. He retired as the NHL's all-time leading scorer
and holder of 61 individual records. 

2002 Actor Robert Blake and his bodyguard were arrested in
connection with the shooting death of Blake's wife about a
year before. 

2002 The Amtrack Auto Train derailed in a remote area of
north Florida. Four people were killed and 133 were injured.


2002 The city legislature of Berlin decided to make Marlene
Dietrich an honorary citizen. Dietrich had gone to the
United States in 1930. She refused to return to Germany
after Adolf Hitler came to power. 

2017  smiled.






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Pranking telemarketers 
Monday, April 17, 2017, 07:36 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, April 17

Thank you, Francis!!

10 cm (4 inches) of snow again this morning.
Most of it was gone by evening.
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Robert Desmond Johnson arrested for giving his 
17 year old daughter pot brownies and having 
her sell them at a Floriduh High School.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 17 in
1629 Horses were first imported into the colonies 
by the American Massachusetts Bay Colony. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.
--- Katharine Whitehorn

"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; 
sometimes it gets replaced." 
---John Peers
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
What Is Easter?
Three cheerleaders died in an accident trying to jump the
Grand Canyon. They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St.
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they
can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?
The first cheerleader replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the
holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and
are thankful." 

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go
to the other place!" replies St.Peter.

Then he turns to the second cheerleader, and asks her the
same question - "What is Easter?"

The second cheerleader replies, "Easter is the holiday in
December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and
celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second cheerleader, bangs his head on
the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and
will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not
welcome in Heaven. 

He then peers over his glasses at the third cheerleader and
asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"

The third cheerleader smiles confidently and looks St. Peter
in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were
eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and
turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The
Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a
cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried
in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

Then the third cheerleader continues ...
"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can
come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more
weeks of hockey!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the
impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the
Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique
architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the
modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to
his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas
Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said,
"it's was originally named for Fredric Mann, from
Philadelphia."

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

"And is that the reason why they are now renaming this great
Israeli institution to Bronfman Auditorium, after a
Canadian?"

"Yes."
______________________________________________________



It snowed again here
______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,                                                                                                                      height="26" border="0">
Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Robert Desmond Johnson,
38,
Plam Bay,
Floriduh

Robert Desmond Johnson arrested for giving his 
17 year old daughter pot brownies and having 
her sell them at a Floriduh High School.

A father and daughter went to jail after selling pot
brownies that sent two teenagers to the hospital last week,
according to the Palm Bay Police Department.

Robert Desmond Johnson, 38, of Palm Bay, and his 17-year-old
old daughter were each charged Friday with delivery of a
controlled substance within 1,000 feet of a school. Johnson
was also charged with delivery of a controlled substance to
a minor, possession of cannabis with intent to sell and
possession of drug paraphernalia.

Police also charged a second teen with sale and delivery of
marijuana and two teens with possession of marijuana.

Thursday, a student became unconscious at Heritage High
School and was taken to Palm Bay Community Hospital by
ambulance, police said. That same day, some parents took
their teen to the hospital for similar symptoms, the
affidavit said. Police determined both boys had eaten
brownies baked with marijuana.

Johnson made the brownies and gave them to his daughter to
sell to her friend who attends Heritage, police said.

Officers arrived at Johnson's home Friday with a search
warrant. They recovered more than 400 grams of marijuana in
plastic bags and jars. Johnson told police he grows the
marijuana in his garage, the affidavit states.

Johnson posted $62,500 bail Sunday at the Brevard County
Detention Center in Sharpes.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Louis
Re: Telemarketer stop

Dear Webby
I have a better way to be rid of telemarketers than making
them wait as you suggested in today's Tech Support Pit.
 
  As soon as you are assured that it is an unwanted call 
Just press ############## several times in succession.  
I don't know how or why it works but I NO LONGER get calls.
 
I've been a fan of yours for over 10 years now and hope to
be for another 10 years.
Louis Beland

Thanks Louis!

When Barb was still working here, she used a little yellow
ducky squeaky toy upside down on her desk. When she got a
telemarketer, she whacked the little yellow ducky's squeaker
with her phone. That seemed to work quite well too.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten 
bridesmaids. The five good bridesmaids remembered to 
take plenty of oil for their lamps; 
five bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his 
sermons always end on a high note.
Last Sunday the priest ended with...
"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five 
good bridesmaids or in the dark with the five bad 
bridesmaids?"

It seems I got that one wrong!



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Homemade Cat Repellents
By pennyc218 [1 Comment]
Put some of the peels of the citrus around your trees .

 " target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM8ZMcCpEpk">
dog sings while playing piano

____________________________________________________
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of
language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher,
"you don't even know what it means."

"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car
won't start."
___________________________________________________


 
These cakes are too pretty to eat!

A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another
car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the
other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is
sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise down the
highway.

This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband
were young and in love, and wondering where the show of
affection had disappeared to over the years.

Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to
be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"

Her question was met with a few moments of pensive thought,
while he looked at his gnarled hands on the steering wheel.
Then he replied, "I don't know, but I haven't moved."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 17
1492 Christopher Columbus signed a contract with Spain to
find a passage to Asia and the Indies. 

1521 Martin Luther was excommunicated from the Roman
Catholic Church. 

1524 New York Harbor was discovered by Giovanni Verrazano. 

1629 Horses were first imported into the colonies by the
American Massachusetts Bay Colony. 

1704 John Campbell published what would eventually become
the first successful American newspaper. It was known as the
Boston "News-Letter." 

1808 Bayonne Decree by Napoleon I of France ordered the
seizure of U.S. ships. 

1810 Pineapple cheese was patented by Lewis M. Norton. 

1824 Russia abandoned all North American claims south of 54'
40'. 

1860 New Yorkers learned of a new law that required fire
escapes to be provided for tenement houses. 

1864 U.S. Civil War General Grant banned the trading of
prisoners. 

1865 Mary Surratt was arrested as a conspirator in the
Lincoln assassination. 

1895 China and Japan signed the Treaty of Shimonoseki. It
was the end of the first Sino-Japanese War. In the treaty
China ceded Taiwan to Japan. 

1917 A bill in Congress to establish Daylight Saving Time
was defeated. It was passed a couple of months later. 

1941 Igor Sikorsky accomplished the first successful
helicopter lift-off from water near Stratford, CT. 

1941 The office of Price Administration was established in
the U.S. to handle rationing. 

1946 The last French troops left Syria. 

1961 About 1,400 U.S.-supported Cuban exiles invaded Cuba at
the Bay of Pigs in an attempt to overthrow Fidel Castro.
Promised US naval and airborne help did not materialize and
the invasion was unsuccessful. Survivors were sentenced to
30 years in jail.

1964 Jerrie Mock became first woman to fly an airplane solo
around the world. 

1964 The Ford Motor Company unveiled its new Mustang model. 

1967 The U.S. Supreme Court barred Muhammad Ali's request to
be blocked from induction into the U.S. Army. 

1969 In Los Angeles, Sirhan Sirhan was convicted of
assassinating U.S. Senator Robert F. Kennedy. 

1969 Czechoslovak Communist Party chairman Alexander Dubcek
was deposed. 

1970 Apollo 13 returned to Earth safely after an on-board
accident with an oxygen tank. 

1975 Khmer Rouge forces capture the capital of Cambodia,
Phnom Penh. It was the end of the five-year war. 

1983 In Warsaw, police routed 1,000 Solidarity supporters. 

1983 In New York, a transit strike that began on March 7
ended. 

19840 In London, demonstrators outside the Libyan Embassy
were fired upon from someone inside. Eleven people were
injured and an English Police woman was killed. 

1985 In Lebanon, the cabinet resigned as Shiites took W.
Beirut. 

1987 In Sri Lanka, Tamil guerrillas killed 122 people in a
road ambush. 

1989 In Poland, courts gave Solidarity legal status. 

1993 A federal jury in Los Angeles convicted two former
police officers of violating the civil rights of beaten
motorist Rodney King. Two other officers were acquitted. 

1996 Erik and Lyle Menendez were sentenced to life in prison
without parole for killing their parents. 

1999 In India, the government of Prime Minister Atal Bihari
Vajpayee collapsed after losing a vote of confidence. 

2002 At the National Maritime Museum in London, the exhibit
"Skin Deep A History of Tattooing" opened. 

2017  smiled.






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Hot Key Collection 
Thursday, April 13, 2017, 10:11 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>








Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 13
It stopped snowing, and it started to melt. 
Typical April.

By the time you read this, I will be on the way to Calgary
to get more injections into my eyeballs. Barb, who used to
be my secretary, will be driving me, becasue after the
injections I can't see the road and traffic.
There won't be a Friday, Saturday or Sunday issue of the
Humor Letter. Sunday evening I will send out the Monday
issue.

That will give you time to print out yesterday's Hot Key
cheat sheet, and the one from today. That one is a repeat,
but quite a few subscriber asked to see it again.
Some people write those Hot Keys on a narrow masking tape
and stick that to the monitor frame.

In the good old days, when keyboards had the function keys
on the left, where God had intended them to be for getting
work done much faster, we had space above the regular keys,
where they put the functions keys now. In those days the
bigger programs like Word Perfect, Word Star, Quattro, Word,
etc. had cardboard strips with the hot keys printed on them
to lay up above the regular keys. You can still make one of
those, and just glue it onto the narrow free strip above the
functon keys.

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas massage parlor busted when hundreds of 
condoms destroy industrial waste disposal unit
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 13 in
1775 Lord North extended the New England Restraining Act to
South Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and
Maryland. The act prohibited trade with any country other
than Britain and Ireland. It did not go over well.
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
At no time is freedom of speech more precious 
than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. 
--- Socratex

The more you observe politics, the more you've 
got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
--- Will Rogers
_______________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

The average man's life consists of: 
twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question; 
and at the end, the mourners wondering, too! 
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors 
got together and said: If we're going to charge $40 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down.
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,                                                                                                                      height="26" border="0">
Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Thanks to Walter, The Stonecarver for 
reporting these boneheads.

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Juan Wang and Joseph Emery
Austin,
Texas

'Hundreds of condoms' destroy pipe, 
police raid Texas massage parlor

A husband and wife accused of operating an Austin
prostitution ring are facing felony charges following an
investigation that began when police discovered a waste pipe
connected to the business was clogged with "hundreds of
condoms," according to records.
Juan Wang and her husband, Joseph Emery, the owners of Jade
Massage Therapy LLC, each face a charge of engaging in
organized criminal activity. Neither suspect was listed as
an inmate at the Travis County Jail on Tuesday afternoon.
The investigation into the massage parlor began Feb. 7, when
the property manager for the Jade Massage location in the
11400 block of North Ranch Road called police to express her
suspicion that prostitution was happening at the business.

She "became aware of a problem when an industrial waste
disposal unit connecting the property to city sewer services
became clogged and destroyed by hundreds of condoms,"
affidavits for Wang and Emery state.

The property manager's tip was the second complaint of
possible prostitution at Jade Massage that police had
received in three months.

After the discovery of the destroyed pipes, police searched
Backpage.com, which often solicits prostitution services,
for advertisements for the business.

They found several. Advertisements for Jade Massage were
posted on Backpage.com as often as two to three times per
day, the affidavits state.

In the following weeks, police staked out Jade Massage's
second location in the 9100 block of Anderson Mill Road.
Officers pulled over a couple of suspected john's who had
gone into the massage parlor, who allegedly both admitted
that they had paid for sexual services during their time
inside.

On March 22, members of the Austin Police Department Human
Trafficking Unit and members of the Criminal Conspiracy Unit
executed search warrants at the Alameda Trace Circle
location.

Inside, Wang was found inside a room with a nude man, and
another woman was found inside a different room with another
nude male, the affidavit states.
Police simultaneously executed a search warrant at Wang and
Emery's home and discovered over $65,000 in a safe.

Further investigation into the couple revealed Wang had been
stopped Feb. 5 at Austin Bergstrom International Airport by
a TSA agent who found $30,000 in "duct taped bundles" of
cash in her possession.

She claimed the money was earned from her massage business
and that she was taking it with her to China to pay for a
medical procedure. She was allowed to pass through with the
money, but only after the agent called Emery to verify her
story.

Both Wang and Emery would later tell police that they didn't
know the names of their employees, who were all located and
recruited by a "friend." Ledgers for Jade Massage showed no
payments to the women, but they did show that Jade Massage's
customers, almost all of whom were men, regularly tipped the
masseues between $40 and $120 on top of a $60 house charge.

______________________________________________________



Tech Support Pits
From: Connie
Re: Old Keyboard shortcuts

Dear Webby
Yes, I remember seeing your standard keyboard shortcuts, but
thought I would remember each of them. Guess what? I didn't.
Can you show them again, please?
Connie

Dear Connie
You are not the only one requesting those. So here they are:

The F Keys (Function Keys) have gone more and more
out of style ever since some dingbats decided to put
them on top, instead of on the left side where God
intended them to be for maximum productivity, just 
so that they can make cubicles narrower.

The only common ones that are still surviving are these:

F1 is HELP
CTRL and F4 together closes a window
ALT and F4 together closes a program
CTRL and A together selects everything in the open window
CTRL and C together copies what you have selected
CTRL and V  together pastes what you have copied
CTRL and INSERT  together copies what you have selected
SHIFT and INSERT  together pastes what you have slected
SHIFT and DELETE together copies AND cuts what you
           have selected
CTRL and Z reverses the last action if it was a write or
delete, that is the UNdo key
CTRL S saves the file you are working on
CTRL and ALT and DELETE brings up the System Manager. You
use that for changing your password.
ALT and the SPACE BAR  together open the menu of the
   program you are in, or Launchy, if you are using it.
CTRL and F together is the search for a word in the open
 window.

Some programs use some of the other F keys as well,
but not in a world wide consistent manner. The ones I listed
are the only ones you need to remember nowadays.

There are also some Windows specific keys that use a
combination of the Windows key and a letter.
The "Windows Key" is the one on the bottom row, that has 
the Microsoft flag on it.
To save space here I'll use *W* for the Windows key

*W*  Opens the start menu
*W* and D  minimizes open programs
*W* and E opens Explorer at the top, not at some silly
location
*W* and F opens the file search (computer, not word search
 in the document you are in)
*W* and L  careful with this one, it has to do with logging
OFF or locking your computer
*W* and M  "Boss-Alert" key. Closes open windows, but
    hitting *W* M again does not pop them open again like
  *W* D does.
*W* and R  opens the RUN box.
    *W* R calc     opens the calculator
*W* and U opens the Utility manager for stuff like the
    narrator, magnifier, etc.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



Jane's mother-in-law asked Bob to buy ORGANIC vegetables 
from the market. He went and looked around and couldn't 
find any.

So he grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, 
"These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have they been 
sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at him and said, 
"No. You'll have to do that yourself."



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making Small Amounts of Homemade Bisquick
Making Small Amounts of Homemade Bisquick
By Judy Pariser S. [133 Posts, 132 Comments]

I like to make my own Bisquick because it is more
economical, and I can't always use an entire box before the
expiration date. A lot of the recipes to make it at home
make very large quantities. I was really happy to find this
recipe. It makes 1 and 1/2 cups.

Total Time: 5 minutes
Yield: 1 1/2 cups

Ingredients:
1 1/4 cup flour (I used half whole wheat, half all-purpose)
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 cup oil or shortening
Steps:
Mix all ingredients together.
Any leftovers can be stored in the refrigerator or freezer.
Source: The Tightwad Gazette

 " target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mM8ZMcCpEpk">
dog sings while playing piano

____________________________________________________

The middle aged secretary had never been married and 
had had enough of work, as well as the single life.  It was
no secret that she was looking to get married.

As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag 
from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks 
you've bought enough birth control pills to last 10 years, 
energy pills for years, and Lord knows how many condoms.  
And you don't even have a boyfriend.  Whom are you 
trying to seduce?"

She smiled slyly and replied, "The pharmacist, silly."
___________________________________________________


 
13 of the most isolated places on the planet.

A man entered a barbershop and said: "I am  tired of looking
like everyone else!  I want a change!  
Part my hair from ear to ear!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes! said the man.

The barber did as he was told, and a satisfied customer left
the shop.

Three hours passed and the man reentered the shop.  
"Put it back the way it was," he said.

"What's the matter?" said the barber.  "Are you tired of 
being a nonconformist already?" 

"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering at my
nose!"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 13
1598 King Henry IV of France signed the Edict of Nantes
which granted political rights to French Protestant
Huguenots. 

1759 The French defeated the European allies in Battle of
Bergen. 

1775 Lord North extended the New England Restraining Act to
South Carolina, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and
Maryland. The act prohibited trade with any country other
than Britain and Ireland. It did not go over well.

1796 The first known elephant to arrive in the United States
from Bengal, India. 

1808 William "Juda" Henry Lane perfected the tap dance. 

1829 The English Parliament granted freedom of religion to
Catholics. 

1849 The Hungarian Republic was proclaimed. 

1860 The first mail was delivered via Pony Express when a
westbound rider arrived in Sacremento, CA from St. Joseph,
MO. 

1861 After 34 hours of shelling, the Union-held Fort Sumter
surrenders to Confederates. 

1916 The first hybrid seed corn was purchased for 15-cents a
bushel by Samuel Ramsay. 

1933 The first flight over Mount Everest was completed by
Lord Clydesdale. 

1941 German troops captured Belgrade, Yugoslavia. 

1945 After WWII Vienna fell to Soviet troops. 

1949 Philip S. Hench and associates announced that cortizone
was an effective treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. 

1959 A Vatican edict prohibited Roman Catholics from voting
for Communists. 

1960 The first navigational satellite was launched into
Earth's orbit. 

1961 The U.N. General Assembly condemned South Africa due to
apartheid. 

1962 In the U.S., major steel companies rescinded announced
price increases. The John F. Kennedy administration had been
applying pressure against the price increases. 

1970 An oxygen tank exploded on Apollo 13, preventing a
planned moon landing. 

1976 The U.S. Federal Reserve introduced $2 bicentennial
notes. 

1979 The world's longest doubles ping-pong match ended after
101 hours. 

1984 U.S. President Reagan sent emergency military aid to El
Salvador without congressional approval. 

1984 Christopher Walker was killed in a fight with police in
New Hampshire. Walker was wanted as a suspect in the
kidnappings of 11 young women in several states. 

1990 The Soviet Union accepted responsibility for the World
War II murders of thousands of imprisoned Polish officers in
the Katyn Forest. The Soviets had previously blamed the
massacre on the Nazis. 

1998 NationsBank and BankAmerica announced a $62.5 billion
merger, creating the country's first coast-to-coast bank. 

1998 Dolly, the world's first cloned sheep, gave natural
birth to a healthy baby lamb. 

1999 Jack Kervorkian was sentenced in Pontiac, MI, to 10 to
25 years in prison for the second-degree murder of Thomas
Youk. Youk's assisted suicide was videotaped and shown on
"60 Minutes" in 1998. 

2000 It was announced that 69 people had died when the
Arlahada, a Philippine ferry, capsized. 70 people were
rescued. 

2002 Twenty-five Hindus were killed and about 30 were
wounded when grenades were thrown by suspected Islamic
guerrillas near Jammu-Kashir. 

2002 Venezuela's interim president, Pedro Carmona, resigned
a day after taking office. Thousands of people protested
against the ousting of president Hugo Chavez. 

2007 Google announced that it had acquired the advertising
service company DoubleClick for $3.1 billion. 

2017  smiled.






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Hot Keys for browsing 
Wednesday, April 12, 2017, 09:34 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, April 12

Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Australian Rapper Terry Peck skipped out on 
$621 food and booze bill

Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 12 in
1204 The Fourth Crusade sacked Constantinople. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Laugh and the world laughs with you, 
snore and you sleep alone.
--- Anthony Burgess (1917 - 1993)

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is 
something you have to do until you can get silly again.
--- Mike Myers
_______________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Olga and Cherie had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been
friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Cherie glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. 
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
A railway inspector in Arkansas was making the
rounds of a railway station and yard in a small town.  
He located Hank, a man who had worked in the
rail yard for almost forty years.

He questioned Hank about various safety considerations 
and seemed to be satisfied that Hank was genuinely 
knowledgeable about railway safety.  

As a last question, he asked Hank what he would do if
he saw two trains approaching each other, on the same 
track, travelling at speeds of 60 miles per hour?

Hank said "I'd yell R.T."

The railway inspector, puzzled by
this, asked, "What's an R.T. ?"

Hank said, "R.T.'s my buddy and he's got one of them
deegital cameras!"
______________________________________________________



It Snowed Again Last Night
______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Terry Peck, 
33,
Southport, Gold Coast,
Australia

Australian Rapper Terry Peck skipped out on 
$621 food and booze bill

An aspiring rapper gorged himself on seafood and alcohol at
a Gold Coast restaurant and then fled into the surf without
paying his $621 bill, a Queensland court has heard.

Terry Peck, 33, allegedly devoured two lobsters, 17 oyster
shooters, a baby octopus, and several beers at Main Beach's
Omeros Bros Restaurant, all by himself, because his fan did
not want to be seen with him, before making his getaway. 

The staff from Main Beach restaurant took off in hot
pursuit.

Peck, who goes by the name 2pec, ran onto the beach and into
the surf, and efforts to cajole him back to shore were
unsuccessful.

Two police jumped on a lifeguard's jet ski, caught and
tenderized him and handcuffed him right in the ocean before
towing him to the beach.

Peck was charged with stealing and two counts of serious
assault of a police officer, and appeared in the Southport
Magistrates Court today.

The court heard Peck allegedly committed the offences while
on parole after being released from prison in February.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Mina
Re: Keyboard shortcuts

Dear Webby
I got all your old keyboard shortcuts and love them.
Do you have any new ones?
Mina

Dear Mina
Yes, there are some that are not in my old list of keyboard
shortcuts. They are for browsing and work on most browsers.
I use Chrome, except for posting on forums and for shopping,
where Chrome fails when you try to preview. For that you
have to use FireFox. They still have not fixed that Chrome
bug. 

OK, here is the most important shortcut, that you can't
replace by mousing around:
CTRL T

If you restart because of some silly updates or because your
147 open tabs got the memory all bunged up, the browser may
or may not open with all your tabs. Sometimes it may briefly
ask if you want it to restore all the old tabs. If you don't
get your curser onto that little pop-up within 1.5 seconds,
you are stuck with a browser, that has forgotten all your
147 tabs. 
Even worse, if you had 3 browser windows, each with lots of
open tabs!
Now what?
CTRL T restores one browser window with all it's tabs.
While you got your paws on the keyboard, hit it again!
CTRL T
and the next window is restored
CTRL T again, and the third window is restored!

If you accidentally closed a tab, and just as it cloed you
spotted something interesting?
CTRL SHIFT T re-opens it.

Got CTRL T firmly scratched into the monitor frame?

If you keep a whole bunch of tabs open, then you really
should get the ONE-TAB browser extension.
It is like a manageable history.

ALT SHIFT Z closes a tab and puts it into the ONE-TAB list.
You can re-open it at any time.
You can even change ALT SHIFT Z to whatever is most
comfortable for your hand.
Isn't that downright civilized?

Also very handy is the space bar when you are reading a long
article. It scrolls you down one paragraph.

You probably know about CTRL D for bookmarking a page and
putting it into the chaos, where you can never find
anything.
If you ever want to make the bookmarks usable, export them
and put them into a spreadsheet. 

Add a new column on the left and put rating numbers or
category codes into that column. Yes, I know, the exporting
from Chrome rather lame. You can't export in CSV format,
just in HTML, but most modern spreadsheets can handle that.

After you have your bookmarks in a spreadsheet, dump the
ones in the browser and start fresh. 
That way you can simply add the fresh ones once a month or
year to the spreadsheet.

In the spreadsheet, of course, you can sort them any way you
want and re-sort differently in a second.

Next one is CTRL K
If you want to search for purple peale eaters, hit CTRL K
and the search bar opens, start typing your search phrase
and hit ENTER.

CTL L gets the cursor to the URL line, ready to type in the
domain name of your choice.

Overloaded your memory yet?
Say you want to go to the 7th tab. CTRL 7
CTRL and the number of the tab you want, jumps you there.

OK, OK, I'll quit in a moment.
One more important shortcut. Lets say you want slightly
bigger fonts: CTRL +
Smaller: CTRL -

There are a few more, but these are the most important ones.
Have FUN!
DearWebby



>Thanks to Cookie for these daffinitions:
BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing 
why a deadline was missed or a project failed, 
and who to blame for it.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot 
of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb 
success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather 
than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day 
swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something 
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the 
walls to see that's going  on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. 
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of 
them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 
"home business".

SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend 
and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being 
stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the 
crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organizational layers beginning 
just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 
"adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or 
irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - 
needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web 
error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested 
document could not be located.

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking 
Bollocks.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you 
realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit

'reply all' not 'reply'.)  See also CLM

CLM - Career Limiting Move: Telling a racy joke about the
boss to someone on the phone, without first checking to see
if the boss is visiting the cubicle on the other side of 
the paper wall.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking 
home after a booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your 
safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too

drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and 
where you've come from.

BOBFOC. Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crime watch.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, 
the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. 
The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that 
staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their 
level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. 
extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but 
there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday 
night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and 
whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is 
suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on 
Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the 
stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your 
bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, 
so she looks like she’s got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person 

TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by 
young women.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Garlic Bread Recipes
By katrine2706 [85 Posts, 33 Comments]
Garlic bread is my favorite. I love the aroma and the rich
flavor of garlic. But it is not always available in most
bakeries here in my province so I make my own simple garlic
bread recipe at home.
Garlic breads are also often sprinkled with garlic powder
but in my recipe I chose to use real garlic clove as it adds
more aroma and flavor plus I don't have to buy the powder
which costs $1.46 while the garlic clove is only $.10. That
means it is another big savings for a thrifty mom like me.

Ingredients:
sliced bread
1 Tbsp salted butter
1 tsp grated garlic

Steps:
Melt butter in a saucer. Stir in the grated garlic clove
until distributed.

Brush the mixture all over the sliced bread. You can use
unsalted butter if you wish but salted butter works well for
me because I don't have to garnish my bread with salt.

Bake/toast in 180 C for 10 minutes. Serve hot!

Traditional Garlic Bread uses
Italian or French bread, that you slice yourself, thick.
Because gluten and me don't get along anymore, I had to step
back from those nicely crusty breads. You can use "Texas
Toast" bread. It is similar, cut thick, and has a LOT less
gluten. The end result tastes almost exactly the same, but
no Gluten hassle
Have FUN!
DearWebby

 
Liebherr

____________________________________________________

Despite his best sales pitch, a life insurance salesman 
was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. 

"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," 
he announced, standing up to leave.
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the 
morning, let me know what you think."
___________________________________________________


 
A couple of the 200 caves in Brazil.


Government organization is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on different limbs at different levels, some
climbing up, some fooling around, some simply
just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree
full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see
nothing but "a*******."  (you can fill in the blank).



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 12
1096 Peter the Hermit gathered his army in Cologne. 

1204 The Fourth Crusade sacked Constantinople. 

1606 England adopted the original Union Jack as its flag. 

1782 The British navy won its only naval engagement against
the colonists in the American Revolution at the Battle of
Saints, off Dominica. 

1799 Phineas Pratt patented the comb cutting machine. 

1811 The first colonists arrived at Cape Disappointment,
Washington. 

1833 Charles Gaylor patented the fireproof safe. 

1861 Fort Sumter was shelled by Confederacy, starting
America's Civil War. 

1864 Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest captured Fort
Pillow, in Tennessee and slaughters the black Union troops
there. 

1877 A catcher's mask was used in a baseball game for the
first time by James Alexander Tyng. 

1892 Voters in Lockport, New York, became the first in the
U.S. to use voting machines. 

1911 Pierre Prier completed the first non-stop London-Paris
flight in three hours and 56 minutes. 

1916 American cavalrymen and Mexican bandit troops clashed
at Parrel, Mexico. 

1927 The British Cabinet came out in favor of women voting
rights. 

1938 The first U.S. law requiring a medical test for a
marriage license was enacted in New York. 

1944 The U.S. Twentieth Air Force was activated to begin the
strategic bombing of Japan. 

1945 In New York, the organization of the first eye bank,
the Eye Bank for Sight Restoration, was announced. 

1945 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt died in Warm
Spring, GA. He died of a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of
63. Harry S Truman became president. 

1955 The University of Michigan Polio Vaccine Evaluation
Center announced that the polio vaccine of Dr. Jonas Salk
was "safe, effective and potent." 

1961 Soviet Yuri Alexeyevich Gagarin became first man to
orbit the Earth. 

1963 Police used dogs and cattle prods on peaceful civil
rights demonstrators in Birmingham, AL. 

1981 The space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape
Canaveral, FL, on its first test flight. 

1982 The British Navy began enforcing a blockade around the
Falkland Islands. 

1983 Harold Washington was elected the first black mayor of
Chicago. 

1984 Astronauts aboard the space shuttle Challenger made the
first satellite repair in orbit by returning the Solar Max
satellite to space. 

1984 Israeli troops stormed a bus that had been hijacked the
previous evening by four Arab terrorists. All the passengers
were rescued and 2 of the hijackers were killed. 

1985 U.S. Senator Jake Garn of Utah became the first senator
to fly in space as the shuttle Discovery lifted off from
Cape Canaveral, FL. 

1985 In Spain, an explosion in a restaurant near a U.S. base
killed 17 people. 

1985 Federal inspectors declared that four animals of the
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus were not
unicorns. They were goats with horns that had been
surgically implanted. 

1987 Texaco filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy after it failed to
settle a legal dispute with Pennzoil Co. 

1988 Harvard University won a patent for a genetically
altered mouse. It was the first patent for a life form. 

1988 The Chinese government named a new array of younger
leaders to ensure economic reform. 

1989 In the U.S.S.R, ration cards were issued for the first
time since World War II. The rationing was prompted by a
sugar shortage. 

1993 NATO began enforcing a no-fly zone over Bosnia and
Herzegovina. 

2000 More than 1,500 anti-drug agents raided four cities in
Colombia and arrested 46 members of the "most powerful"
heroin ring. 

2000 Robert Cleaves, 71, was convicted of second degree
murder and was sentenced to 16 years in prison. Cleaves had
repeatedly run over Arnold Guerreiro on September 30, 1998
with his car after the two had an argument. 

2000 Israel's High Court ordered the release of eight
Lebanese detainees that had been held for years without a
trial. 

2002 It was announced that the South African version of
"Sesame Street" would be introducing a character that was
HIV-positive. 

2002 JCPenney Chairman Allen Questrom rang the opening bell
to start the business day at the New York Stock Exchange as
part of the company's centennial celebrations. James Cash
(J.C.) Penney opened his first retail store on April 14,
1902. 

2017  smiled.







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Bent e from Europe 
Tuesday, April 11, 2017, 11:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, April 11

Dear Carol
You ARE receiving your subscription.
AOL is  censoring and hiding it.
Once your subscription has entered the AOL server, there is
nothing more that I can do about it.
Have FUN!
DerWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Primary school teacher poses as a 13 year old boy 
online and easily gets teenage girls to send him 
naked pictures of themselves. He got the pix and 
just got himself 6 years.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 11 in
1783 After receiving a copy of the provisional treaty on
March 13, the U.S. Congress proclaimed a formal end to
hostilities with Great Britain. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
"The spirit in which a thing is given determines how 
the debt is acknowledged; it's the intention, 
not the face-value of the gift, that's weighed."
--- Seneca the Younger
_______________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get
a sperm count. 

The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as
clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc,it's like this - First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next
door and she tried too, first with both hands, then
an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing." 

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" 

The old man replied,"Yep. And no matter what we tried
we still couldn't get that damn jar open!" 
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________
Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told
the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting
financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."

His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as a
bell to the very end."

"And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."

At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the poor
man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Nicholas Taylor,
27,
Barnet, north London, 
England, UK

Primary school teacher poses as a 13 year old boy 
online and easily gets teenage girls to send him 
naked pictures of themselves. He got the pix and 
just got himself 6 years.

The court heard how Taylor, who taught at a south
Hertfordshire school, pretended to be a 13 year-old boy on
Instagram to befriend the girls, aged between 10 and 15.   He
then coerced them into sending naked pictures of themselves,
which he forwarded to other children, the court heard.

Nicholas Taylor, 27, of Barnet, north London, threatened to
kill himself if they did not comply, a jury heard.
St Albans Crown Court was told that Taylor also forwarded
pictures on to other children and girl guides - where he was
a leader.

Judge Jonathan Carroll described him as every parent's "worst
nightmare".
The court heard how Taylor, who taught at a south
Hertfordshire school, pretended to be a 13 year-old boy on
Instagram to befriend the girls, aged between 10 and 15.

At an earlier hearing, Taylor pleaded guilty to six counts of
inciting a child to engage in sexual activity, two counts of
making indecent photographs of a child and one count
distributing indecent photographs of a child.
He was also made subject to a lifetime sexual harm prevention
order.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Ron
Re: Euro vis "bent e"

Dear Webby
On items from Europe I see a symbol that looks like a 
slightly bent "e", but the same size as a CAP letter.
Is that a lazy form for the Euro symbol, or what is it?
Ron

Dear Ron
What you call "bent e" is the "Estimated" symbol.
It's a ROUND, not oval "e" with a thin crossbar, straight 
vertical insides and often the open end appears skimpy
or kicked in.

An example of it's use would be a package of Lasagna
noodles. They are not going to file down a noodle to make
the weight of the package exact, and they are not going to
throw in a splinter of a noodle for that either. If you read
"e 1 kg" then that means that at packing time the noodles
weighed approximately 1 Kilogram +/- one noodle.

By the time you get them, they will have dried down 10% 
or more anyway, so that is close enough for Europe.

Because Europeans are used to the Estimated sign, never
use a small e instead of the Euro sign. It would confuse
them to no end. "What does he mean, Estimated 4.95 ?

For the Euro, just write it out if your fonts don't have the
Euro sign.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and
discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the
church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear
to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the
health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should
call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said
he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the
mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to
call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard
to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant
and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to
direct his response.  He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is
my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next
of kin first!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use a Tea Light in Pillar Candles 
If you like to decorate with large pillar candles, but don't 
like it when they get short, just let them burn down to the 
height you like, pour out the extra wax to form a hollow 
inside of the candle. Slip in a tea light and then you can 
just change tea lights each time you want to have 
candlelight.
By QueenBeeCrafts

In case you don't know what a "Tea Light" is, it's those
small candles in aluminum foil cups that you see in some
restaurants to keep food warm, while it is sitting on the 
table or on a serving cart. They cost about a dollar for a 
bag of ten at restaurant suply stores, and about $5 for a
bag with 100 of them in it. 

If you have a choice, get the ones that have a foil covered
cork float for holding the wick up. Those you can replenish
with melted candle drippings and stubs.

If you like the soft glow of a pillar candle with the flame 
deep down in the crater, make sure you drill an air hole
upwards to where the tea light sits. You get a much 
steadier flame, and you avoid melting down the shell.

I have seen fancy and elaborately decorated "Pilgrimage" 
candles that were two, - maybe three, generations old,
and still in fine shape because of an air hole to keep 
them cool.

To reach down and light the wick, use a piece of spaghetti,
not a butane BBQ lighter.
Have FUN!
DerWebby

 
Turkish man trolls ice cream

____________________________________________________

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, 
so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. 

He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." 

A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of 
what happened.
Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him. 
___________________________________________________


 
A Frank Lloyd Wright one of a kind house is up for sale.


A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, 
"Wake up!  Someone is breaking in!" 

The man had gone through this almost every night for 
20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get 
any rest was to go and check it out.  

This time, however, there was a man with a gun 
who entered to rob the house. 

As the thief was about to leave the man said, 
"You have to go and meet my wife." 

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?" 

The man explained, "Well, she's been expecting you 
for twenty years."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 11
1512 The forces of the Holy League were heavily defeated by
the French at the Battle of Ravenna. 

1689 William III and Mary II were crowned as joint sovereigns
of Britain. 

1713 The Treaty of Utrecht was signed, ending the War of
Spanish Succession. 

1783 After receiving a copy of the provisional treaty on
March 13, the U.S. Congress proclaimed a formal end to
hostilities with Great Britain. 

1803 A twin-screw propeller steamboat was patented by John
Stevens. 

1814 Napoleon was forced to abdicate his throne. The allied
European nations had marched into Paris on March 30, 1814. He
was banished to the island of Elba. 

1876 The stenotype was patented by John C. Zachos. 

1876 The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was
organized. 

1895 Anaheim, CA, completed its new electric light system. 

1898 U.S. President William McKinley asked Congress for a
declaration of war with Spain. 

1899 The treaty ending the Spanish-American War was declared
in effect. 

1921 Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax. 

1921 The first live sports event on radio took place this day
on KDKA Radio. The event was a boxing match between Johnny
Ray and Johnny Dundee. 

1901 Construction on the Empire State Building was completed.
The building was dedicated and opened on May 1, 1931. 

1940 Andrew Ponzi set a world's record in a New York pocket
billiards tournament when he ran 127 balls straight. 

1941 German bombers blitzed Conventry, England. 

1951 U.S. President Truman fired General Douglas MacArthur as
head of United Nations forces in Korea. 

1961 Israel began the trial of Adolf Eichman, accused of
World War II war crimes. 

1970 Apollo 13 blasted off on a mission to the moon that was
disrupted when an explosion crippled the spacecraft. The
astronauts did return safely. 

1981 In the Brixton area of London, a race riot erupted that
resulted in the injury of more than 300 people. 

1984 China invaded Vietnam. 

1985 Scientists in Hawaii measured the distance between the
earth and moon within one inch. 

1986 Dodge Morgan sailed solo nonstop around the world in 150
days. 

1999 Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president of Niger.
President Ibrahim Baré Maïnassara had been assassinated on
April 9. 

2001 China agreed to release 24 crewmembers of a U.S.
surveillance plane. The EP-3E Navy crew had been held since
April 1 on Hainon, where the plane had made an emergency
landing after an in-flight collision with a Chinese fighter
jet. The Chinese pilot was missing and presumed dead. 

2007 Apple announced that the iTunes Store had sold more than
two million movies. 

2017  smiled.







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How to block mail from Ex 
Monday, April 10, 2017, 10:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>








Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, April 10

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Girl Reports Escaping Kidnapper By Jumping 
From Truck Onto Highway
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 10 in
1790 The U.S. patent system was established when U.S.
President George Washington signed the Patent Act of 1790
into law. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches
or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read
them either.
--- Gore Vidal (1925 - )

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
--- Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993)

The easiest way for your children to learn about money, 
is for you not to have any.
--- Katharine Whitehorn
_______________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers
a new discount item.
Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo
Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable
price, in the $1-3 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a
market for cheap wine",said Kathy Micken, professor of
marketing.

She said: "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most
attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with
either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
______________________________________________________

Negotiations between union members and their employer were
at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were
flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,
"This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly
ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament
with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have
had if he hadn't been sick!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to
walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very
attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The
dealers agree.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips
naked from the waist up, and rolls the dice while
yelling, "Momma needs clothes!" 

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging 
each of the dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up the money,
the dice, and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
watching the dice!"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Timothy Lee Marble, 
50, 
Napa, 
California

Girl Reports Escaping Kidnapper By Jumping 
From Truck Onto Highway

A California man is facing kidnapping charges after
authorities say a 13-year-old runaway jumped out of his
moving truck and onto a highway, prompting him to call 911.

Timothy Marble, 50, of Napa, reported the girl’s escape about
5:40 a.m. Saturday after he said she fled his vehicle and
refused to come out of some bushes, the Sonoma County
Sheriff’s Office said.

Once deputies arrived at the scene in Bodega Bay, the girl
emerged covered in road rash. She accused Marble of sexually
abusing her, injecting her with meth and scratching his name
into her leg with a knife.

“His name was still visible for the detectives,” the
sheriff’s office said in a release.

The child said she met Marble at a Napa gas station early
Friday morning after running away from home following an
argument with her mother Thursday night.

Marble allegedly offered to give her a ride. After accepting
the lift but refusing his sexual advances, she reported, he
tied her to a tree and sexually assaulted her, the sheriff’s
office said.

Over the next 24 hours, she told officers, he continued the
assaults inside his truck and forced her to take drugs.
Deputies took her to a hospital, where she was reunited with
her mother.

“He has a different side of it, but there’s definitely
probable cause in making the arrest,” Sheriff’s Sgt. Spencer
Crum told the San Francisco Chronicle. “His accounts of the
event differed somewhat. Some corroboration and some
distortion.”

Marble, who authorities said is a convicted felon with a rap
sheet that includes drug charges, was arrested and faces 11
felony counts of sexual acts with a minor, kidnapping and
child abuse. He is being held without bail with no attorney
listed. Authorities said this is his first sexual assault
charge.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Glennis
Re: How to block mail from an ex

Dear Webby
I can't change my email address because of my business,
but I need to block mail from my ex. His mails are polite
and friendly, not of a harassing type, but I just don't want
any more mail from him. He forges different sender 
addresses, so it's not easy to avoid his mails.
What do you suggest?
Glennis

Dear Glennis
Just get MailWasher, from the side menu. Then look at a few
of his mails and find something that is common to all of
them. With MailWasher you can easily peek at the hidden
header stuff, and even if you don't find anything common in
the message body, you will easily find something that shows
up in all of his letters, but not in legitimate mail. 

Then make a filter that is triggered by that. Making filters
is childishly easy with MailWasher Pro, even fun.
Set the filter to delete his mails automatically, without
showing them, and you won't ever see them again.

With the filters you can have them triggered by many
different items. If any of ten different traps recognizes 
him, his mail gets nuked. 

To fine tune your filter, you can set it so that it just 
flags his mail for deletion. That way, if somebody else
also uses one of the trigger phrases, you can modify
the filter. 

MailWasher conveniently tells you which of your filters has
flagged a piece of mail.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing 
they notice about a woman are their eyes. 

Women say that the first thing they notice about men is 
that they're a bunch of liars.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Crockpot Chicken with Gravy Recipe 

Total Time: About 5 minutes prep
Yield: Serves around 7 or 8
Source: A busy Mom's desperate mind! :)

Ingredients:
1 average sized chicken
1/4 cup mesquite seasoning
2/3 cup water
3 Tbsp Cornstarch

Steps:
Place your chicken in your crockpot.
Rub all over with 1/4 cup mesquite seasoning. You may wish to
try another, lemon pepper would be great too! :) Believe it
or not, you do not need any liquid, it makes it own. It is
very tender and moist when done!

Cook on high for about 3 hours and 20 minutes.
Place your chicken on a serving platter and set in microwave
to keep warm till your gravy is done. *You do NOT need to
turn microwave on, door being shut will do the trick.:)

Using a mesh colander, strain the drippings from the bottom
of the crockpot. You just want to remove the solid bits.
Pour your strained drippings into a saucepan. Add 3
Tablespoons of cornstarch to 2/3 Cup of cold water and shake
well. Add this to your pan.
Cook on high whisking constantly for only 2 or 3 minutes. All
done!!
You will end up with about 2 cups gravy.

* You could probably cook this longer on a low setting if you
must be gone all day.

 
daddy-daughter, Tonight 
You Belong to Me

____________________________________________________

>from Ed
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. 
Every table had an argument going.
___________________________________________________


 
Winners of the Smithsonians 14th annual photo contest.

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he 
wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle 
a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age
of 93. 

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 
35 great grandchildren and 
a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 10
1741 Frederick II of Prussia defeated Maria Theresa's forces
at Mollwitz and conquered Silesia. 

1790 The U.S. patent system was established when U.S.
President George Washington signed the Patent Act of 1790
into law. 

1809 Austria declared war on France and its forces entered
Bavaria. 

1814 Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Toulouse by the
British and the Spanish. The defeat led to his abdication and
exile to Elba. 

1825 The first hotel opened in Hawaii. 

1849 Walter Hunt patented the safety pin. He sold the rights
for $100. 

1854 The constitution of the Orange Free State in south
Africa was proclaimed. 

1862 Union forces began the bombardment of Fort Pulaski in
Georgia along the Tybee River. 

1902 South African Boers accepted British terms of surrender.


1912 The Titanic set sail from Southampton, England. 

1919 In Mexico, revolutionary leader Emiliano Zapata was
killed by government troops. 

1922 The Genoa Conference opened. The meeting was used to
discuss the reconstruction of Europe after World War I. 

1925 F. Scott Fitzgerald published "The Great Gatsby" for the
first time. 

1930 The first synthetic rubber was produced. 

1932 Paul von Hindenburg was elected president of Germany
with 19 million votes. Adolf Hitler came in second with 13
million votes. 

1938 Germany annexed Austria after Austrians had voted in a
referundum to merge with Germany. 

1941 In World War II, U.S. troops occupied Greenland to
prevent Nazi infiltration. 

1941 Ford Motor Co. became the last major automaker to
recognize the United Auto Workers as the representative for
its workers. 

1944 Russian troops recaptured Odessa from the Germans. 

1945 German Me 262 jet fighters shot down ten U.S. bombers
near Berlin. 

1953 Warner Bros. released "House of Wax." It was the first
3-D movie to be released by a major Hollywood studio. 

1959 Japan's Crown Prince Akihito married commoner Michiko
Shoda. 

1963 129 people died when the nuclear-powered submarine USS
Thresher failed to surface off Cape Cod, MA. 

1968 U.S. President Johnson replaced General Westmoreland
with General Creighton Abrams in Vietnam. 

1971 The American table tennis team arrived in China. They
were the first group of Americans officially allowed into
China since the founding of the People Republic in 1949. The
team had recieved the surprise invitation while in Japan for
the 31st World Table Tennis Championship. 

1972 An earthquake in southern Iran killed more than 5,000
people. 

1972 The U.S. and the Soviet Union joined with 70 other
nations in signing an agreement banning biological warfare. 

1973 In Switzerland, 108 people died when a plane crashed
while attempting to land at Basel. 

1974 Yitzhak Rabin replaced resigning Israeli Prime Minister,
Golda Meir. Meir resigned over differences within her Labor
Party. 

1980 Spain and Britain agreed to reopen the border between
Gibraltar and Spain. It had been closed since 1969. 

1981 Imprisoned IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands was elected to
the British Parliament. 

1984 The U.S. Senate condemned the CIA mining of Nicaraguan
harbors. 

1988 On Wall Street, 48 million shares of Navistar
International stock changed hands in a single-block trade. It
was the largest transaction ever executed on the New York
Stock Exchange. 

1990 Three European hostages kidnapped at sea in 1987 by
Palestinian extremists were released in Beirut. 

1992 A bomb exploded in London's financial district. The
bomb, set off by the Irish Republican Army, killed three
people and injured 91. 

1992 Outside Needles, CA, comedian Sam Kinison was killed
when a pickup truck slammed into his car on a desert road
between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. 

1993 South African Communist Party leader Chris Hani was
assassinated. 

1994 NATO warplanes launched air strikes for the first time
on Serb forces that were advancing on the Bosnian Muslim town
of Gordazde. The area had been declared a U.N. safe area. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton vetoed a bill that would have
outlawed a technique used to end pregnancies in their late
stages. 

1998 Negotiators reached a peace accord on governing British
ruled Northern Ireland. Britain's direct rule was ended. 

2001 The Netherlands legalized mercy killings and assisted
suicide for patients with unbearable, terminal illness. 

2009 In Fiji, President Josefa Iloilo suspended the nation's
Constitution, dismissed all judges and constitutional
appointees and assumed all governance in the country. 

2017  smiled.






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XSS-Protection error in Chrome 
Sunday, April 9, 2017, 11:41 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 9

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man posing as crew member busted at JFK Airport 
with $85K worth of cocaine in suitcase
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 9 in
1865 At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E.
Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General
Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home.
Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and
permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though
there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war
was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed
360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams 
of being an honest coward like everybody else.
--- Umberto Eco (1932 - )

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
--- Euripides
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________
Tommy was able to get rid of one of those telephone
marketers. The marketer called and was in the middle of
giving her spiel about saving money on long-distance.

Tommy interrupted her, "Ma'am, I don't need your long
distance
service because I don't have a telephone."
Must have caught her off guard because she said,
"Oh, I'm sorry to have bothered you."
-------
I have used that too. Telemarketers are usually too stupid
to catch on. My main retort, though, is that I can't hear
them and that they should email me.
MailWasher takes care of them quite nicely, IF, that is IF,
they are schmart enough to use email.
______________________________________________________

"Information.  Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no
listing for a Theodore Guild."
"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's
Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."
"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their
20th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he
suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend quite THAT much," says
John.
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Mario Hudson,
in jail in
NY

Man posing as crew member busted at JFK Airport 
with $85K worth of cocaine in suitcase

The traveler may have been inspired by Leonardo DiCaprio in
‘Catch Me if You Can’, but fortunately U.S. Customs and
Border Protection officers at New York’s John F. Kennedy
International Airport have seen this movie before.

CBP officers intercepted passenger Mario Hudson, a citizen
of Jamaica, on March 27, as he was arriving from Kingston,
Jamaica.

Hudson was dressed in what appeared to be a pilot’s uniform
and claimed he was a “dead-heading crew member.” During the
baggage inspection, CBP officers discovered that Hudson had
what appeared to be two fraudulent Delta Airlines ID badges.

During the examination of Hudson’s luggage, CBP officers
noticed that the sides and bottom appeared to be unusually
thick and heavy. Hudson was escorted to a private search
room where his suitcase was probed revealing a white powder
that tested positive for cocaine.

Hudson was arrested for the import of a controlled substance
and was turned over to Homeland Security Investigations. The
total weight of cocaine seized was approximately five pounds
with an estimated street value of $85,000.

Hudson faces federal narcotics smuggling charges and will be
prosecuted by the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the U.S. Eastern
District Court of New York.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Brent
Re: XSS-Protection error in Chrome

Dear Webby
What is this XSS-Protection error in Chrome, that pops up
when I try to post on a forum or sometimes when I try to do
some shopping? It is totally unpredictable, and after
filling out a big shopping cart, it dumps the whole thing,
irretrievably! 
How do I get rid of that or fix it?
Brent

Dear Brent
It is a bug in Chrome version 57.
Version 58 beta apparently still has the bug too.

XSS auditor has been around for a decade, and until version
57, Chrome handled it correctly, then they scrwd it up, but
don't know how.

There is no practical method yet to get around the bug.
Theoretically, you could dump all your tabs, close Chrome,
and start it with a command line directive to not use XSS
auditor, but that is quite useless, even if it did work,
since it too dumps your shoping cart.
About all you can do is use FireFox for those sites, where
Chrome messes up. FireFox handles XSS auditor correctly.

Have FUN!
DearWebby



A businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,"
said the man.
"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a
50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to
the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand
the noise." 

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work
in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand
being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you
half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like
factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do
with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "I'll rent you my 50% and retire
on the proceeds."


If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Ball Point Pen From Leather 
Try hairspray! I had a blue pen and the ink went on my
fingers. I went to push the stool in and it went on the
stool. I tried Jif, bleach and alcohol, they all didn't
work. When it came to hairspray, it came straight off with
just one wipe down.

So if you have any leather that has been marked with ink,
don't stop and think that it's a scar for life. Let me tell
you that hairspray was the best product I ever used!
By Olivia from Bexley, NSW


My children's school work got wet and the ink transferred to
my light beige leather car seats. I could read the school
work on my seats. I went to this site quickly before I left
for work. I grabbed a few items suggested: alcohol,
hairspray, soap and worked on the spots at red lights.
Nothing worked. 

I went into work and someone told me about Mr. Clean Magic
Eraser. It's by the cleaning products in the store. It
worked! No fading. I even tried it on a old rust spot on my
sink I could never get out, and it worked. I had to submit
this today.
By Ami from Shorewood, IL

 
10 scariest roller coasters

____________________________________________________

>From Ginny
Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor
covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and
refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job
was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the
heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would
cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in
their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them.

As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the
two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking
their van. I told them my fee: $45.
___________________________________________________


 
The most expensive fruit in the world.


A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting
of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit.
"They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so
beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out,
"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this
is paradise. They are Russian."



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 9
0193 In the Balkans, the distinguished soldier Septimius
Seversus was proclaimed emperor by the army in Illyricum. 

0715 Constantine ended his reign as Catholic Pope. 

1241 In the Battle of Liegnitz, Mongol armies defeated the
Poles and the Germans. 

1454 The city states of Venice, Milan and Florence signed a
peace agreement at Lodi, Italy. 

1667 In Paris, The first public art exhibition was held at
the Palais-Royale. 

1682 Robert La Salle claimed the lower Mississippi River and
all lands that touch it for France. 

1770 Captain James Cook discovered Botany Bay on the
Australian continent. 

1833 Peterborough, NH, opened the first municipally
supported public library in the United States. 

1865 At Appomattox Court House, Virginia, General Robert E.
Lee surrendered his Confederate Army to Union General
Ulysses S. Grant in the parlor of Wilmer McClean's home.
Grant allowed Rebel officers to keep their sidearms and
permitted soldiers to keep their horses and mules. Though
there were still Confederate armies in the field, the war
was officially over. The four years of fighting had killed
360,000 Union troops and 260,000 Confederate troops. 

1867 The U.S. Senate ratified the treaty with Russia that
purchased the territory of Alaska by one vote. 

1869 The Hudson Bay Company ceded its territory to Canada. 

1870 The American Anti-Slavery Society was dissolved. 

1872 S.R. Percy received a patent for dried milk. 

1900 British forces routed the Boers at Kroonstadt, South
Africa. 

1905 The first aerial ferry bridge went into operation in
Duluth, MN. 

1914 In London, the first full-color film, "The World, The
Flesh & the Devil," was shown. 

1916 The German army launched it’s third offensive during
the Battle of Verdun. 

1917 The Battle of Arras began as Canadian troops began a
massive assault on Vimy Ridge. 

1918 Latvia proclaimed its independence. 

1921 The Russo-Polish conflict ended with signing of Riga
Treaty. 

1928 Mae West made her debut on Broadway in the production
of "Diamond Lil." 

1940 Germany invaded Norway and Denmark. 

1942 In the Battle of Bataan, American and Filipino forces
were overwhelmed by the Japanese Army. 

1945 At Bari, Italy, the Liberty exploded and killed 360
people. The ship was carrying aerial bombs. 

1947 169 people were killed and 1,300 were injured by a
series of tornadoes in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas. 

1957 The Suez Canal was cleared for all shipping. 

1959 NASA announced the selection of America's first seven
astronauts. 

1963 Winston Churchill became the first honorary U.S.
citizen. 

1967 The first Boeing 737 was rolled out for use. 

1976 The U.S. and Russia agreed on the size of nuclear tests
for peaceful use. 

1981 The U.S. Submarine George Washington struck and sunk a
small Japanese freighter in the East China Sea. The Nissho
Maru's captain and first mate died. 

1983 The space shuttle Challenger concluded it first flight.


1984 Nicaragua asked the World Court to declare U.S. support
for guerilla raids illegal. 

1985 Japanese Premier Nakasone urged Japanese people to buy
foreign products. 

1987 Dikye Baggett became the first person to undergo
corrective surgery for Parkinson’s disease. 

1988 The U.S. imposed economic sanctions on Panama. 

1989 16 civilians were killed during rioting in Soviet
Georgia. 

1989 Hundreds of thousands marched past the White House in
support of the right to abortion. 

1991 Georgia voted to secede from the U.S.S.R. 

1992 Former Panamanian ruler Manuel Noriega was convicted in
Miami, FL, of eight drug and racketeering charges. 

1998 More than 150 Muslims died in stampede in Mecca, Saudi
Arabia, on last day of the haj pilgrimage. 

1999 In Niger, President Ibrahim Baré Maïnassara was
assassinated. Daouda Malam Wanke was designated president
two days later. 

2017  smiled.







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Hot hard drive 
Saturday, April 8, 2017, 07:25 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, April 8

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Drunk Florida teacher let boy, 14, 
drive her to Waffle House.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 8 in
1525 Albert von Brandenburg, the leader of the Teutonic
Order, assumes the title "Duke of Prussia" and passed the
first laws of the Protestant church, making Prussia a
Protestant state. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't
imagine the smell.
--- Robert Byrne

This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd
that only very learned men could possibly adopt them.
--- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the
Chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is
here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little
nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished
audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I
will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, *Audrey*,
and try to explain Beverly to her!"
______________________________________________________

>From Cookie
I do have the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle 
any home repair project. And yes I tackle almost all of 
them.

For example, in my garage are pieces of a lawnmower 
I once tried to fix. 
 
A couple of my neighbors were walking by my house,
and found me in the garage attacking my vacuum cleaner 
with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate,"I explained when I 
saw them.

Joyce suggested, "Why don't you drag it over to the 
other side of the garage and show it the remains of the 
lawnmower?"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE...
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck,
hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating
out of your hand. Rub me the right way and
watch me respond. I'll be at the front 
door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call 123-4567 and ask for Dixie."

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Local
Humane Society, about a 4 months old Black Lab pup.
______________________________________________________



Watch out, he may run, or he may ram you!
______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________


An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Terra Virgin, 
32,
Tampa,
Floriduh

Drunk Florida teacher let boy, 14, 
drive her to Waffle House.

A Tampa teacher is facing serious charges after police said
she was drunk and had an unlicensed teen boy driving her
around. 

Terra Virgin was arrested on Sunday and charged with child
abuse and neglect. 

Police said Virgin, 32, was intoxicated and had an open can
of beer while in the passenger seat of a Toyota SUV that was
stopped on suspicion of DUI at Kennedy Boulevard and
Westland Avenue. 

Officers said the 14-year-old son of Virgin's boyfriend was
driving the SUV. The teen does not have a driver's license. 

Police said Virgin told them she had five beers, was too
drunk to drive and was getting the teen to drive her to a
Waffle House.

Virgin is a math teacher at Freedom High School. She has
been a teacher in Hillsborough County since 2013.

The boy was transported and released into his father's
custody.

Virgin bonded out of jail Monday afternoon. 

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Ollie
Re: Hot hard drive

Dear Webby
I opened up my computer to vacuum out the dust bunnies
like you had suggested last spring, well better late than
never, and I noticed that the hard drive was giving off a 
lot of heat. It was very hot to the touch.  Is that a sign
that it will die soon?
Ollie

Dear Ollie
That is quite normal. Today's fast hard drives do run quite
warm. If you can touch it and keep your fingers on it for
five seconds, it's at normal operating temperature. You 
could not keep your fingers that long in water that is 60
degrees C (140 F) without yelling. The temperature is
probably between 45 C and 55 C. 

The oil in the bearings is good for 200 degrees C (400 F).
I would not worry about that drive. Keep in mind though, 
sooner or later every hard drive crashes, and then you
will really appreciate it if you have a reasonably recent
back-up.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino
and asked to have her husband paged.

"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make
doctor calls!"



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Marinade for Making Beef Chuck Blade Tender 
 Even the most "not so tender" cut of meat, such as beef 
chuck blade can cook so tender you would not know it's 
chuck. The secret is to marinate the beef chuck over night. 
Use lee kum kee chicken marinade teriyaki (or similar
brand) along with green, orange, yellow, and red bell
peppers, one medium white onion, lemon herb, and steak
seasoning. 
Cook with medium-low heat on stove for about 30 to 45 min. 
Make sure to marinate in a closed container.
By Esther

 
10 scariest roller coasters

____________________________________________________

One of Trina's wedding presents was a toaster oven.  After
the honeymoon, she and Bernie, her husband tried it out.
Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.  "Get
the owner's manual!" Bernie shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" cried Trina a short time later.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen.  "Well, the toast is
fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
___________________________________________________


 
Amazing performer!


A student comes to a young professor after regular office
hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels
pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair,
gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze.  "Anything???"

"Yes,... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...
ahhh,..... study???"



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today, on April 8
1513 Explorer Juan Ponce de Leon claimed Florida for Spain. 

1525 Albert von Brandenburg, the leader of the Teutonic
Order, assumes the title "Duke of Prussia" and passed the
first laws of the Protestant church, making Prussia a
Protestant state. 

1832 About 300 American troops of the 6th Infantry left
Jefferson Barracks, St. Louis, to confront the Sauk Indians
in the Black Hawk War. 

1873 Alfred Paraf patented the first successful
oleomargarine. 

1913 The Seventeenth amendment was ratified, requiring
direct election of senators. 

1935 The Works Progress Administration was approved by the
U.S. Congress. 

1939 Italy invaded Albania. 

1942 The Soviets opened a rail link to the besieged city of
Leningrad. 

1946 The League of Nations assembled in Geneva for the last
time. 

1952 U.S. President Truman seized steel mills to prevent a
nationwide strike. 

1962 Bay of Pigs invaders got thirty years imprisonment in
Cuba. 

1985 India filed suit against Union Carbide for the Bhopal
disaster. 

1985 Phyllis Diller underwent a surgical procedure for
permanent eyeliner to eliminate the need for eyelid makeup. 

1990 In Nepal, King Birendra lifted the 30-year ban on
political parties. 

1994 Smoking was banned in the Pentagon and all U.S.
military bases. 

2002 Ed McMahon filed a $20 million lawsuit against his
insurance company, two insurance adjusters, and several
environmental cleanup contractors. The suit alleged breach
of contract, negligence and intentional infliction of
emotional distress concerning a toxic mold that had spread
through McMahon's Beverly Hills home. 

2017  smiled.







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Get rid of n65a 
Friday, April 7, 2017, 10:21 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, April 7
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
'Drunk Lives Matter' T-shirt wearer 
charged with DUI
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 7 in
1712 A slave revolt broke out in New York City. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, 
to give them credit, they eventually find.
--- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)

Only sick music makes money today.
--- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900)
______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

In the spirit of the late W. C. Fields:
We make fun of people who treat their pets like real 
children, but, to be fair, once you get the kids neutered 
or spayed, they DO tend to settle down a bit.
______________________________________________________

>From Dave:
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. 
I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch 
the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire 
flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, 
bleeding and I had torn my jeans ... but my main concern 
was, naturally, for my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I 
heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Do it again, Daddy!"
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Rodney and Bill were at a bar talking about how highly 
their wives thought of them. 

Bill said, "My wife thinks so much of me that she won't 
let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." 

Not to be out done, Rodney said, "That's nothing. 
My wife thinks I'm God." 

Confused Bill asked, "She thinks you're God? 
What makes you say that?" 

"Every night she places a burnt offering before me." 
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Elwood R Gutshall III, 
44,
Newville,
Pennsylvania

'Drunk Lives Matter' T-shirt wearer 
charged with DUI

A man wearing a T-shirt that says "Drunk Lives Matter" was
charged with DUI by Newville police.

Elwood R Gutshall III, 44, wearing a green St. Patrick's Day
T-shirt, was charged March 19 with DUI after police said he
committed several traffic violations.

His pickup truck was stopped at 12:15 a.m., and his blood
alcohol level was found to be 0.217 percent. (0.08 is the
limit)

He was charged with the highest level of DUI, driving under
suspension and traffic violations.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Glenn
Re: n65 infection

Dear Webby
I have enjoyed your letter since I first found you back when
I had more hair and fewer aches!  My new Malwarebytes that I
bought says that it is repeatedly (dozens of times per hour)
blocking a bad website called "n65a******" that the
application c:\windows\sysWOW64\regsvr32.com is trying to
contact, that is, that it is blocking the outbound traffic. 
The application is 20KB.  Is this something that I need to
keep, or is it spyware?

Thank you for your help.
Glenn

Dear Glenn
I used ****** instead of the name of that evil crap, so that
the humor letter won't get blocked.
That n65 stuff is bad news.

Some program you got has a nefarious "payload" and calls ads
from that n65 site.
I have no idea what program that is, that you are paying for
with ads from there. 
Could be where your cat orders the catnip from.
You can search on Google for how to get rid of that.
Be careful, though. Some of the sites pretendiung to offer
help with that, are decoys for more evil crap.
This one seems to be clean:
http://www.sitealyzer.net/en/p/sb/remove-n65

adserv.com/
Remove the space I added before adserv.

MalwareBytes know it is crap, that is why they are blocking
it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




KIDS PERSPECTIVE ON ADULT BEHAVIOR

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. 
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like 
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. 
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who 
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, 
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. 
--Kirsten, age 10

  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then. 
--Camille,age 10

No age is good to get married at.
You got to be a fool to get married. It just leads to 
fighting and kids.
--Freddie, age 6

  HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, depending on whether they seem 
to be yelling at the same kids. 
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough. 
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

--Martin, age 10

  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. 
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that. 
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you 
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right 
thing to do. 
--Howard, age 8

  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. 
Boys need someone to clean up after them. 
--Anita, age 9

  HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE 
DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there? 
--Kelvin, age 8

  HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks 
like a garbage can. 
-- Katrina, age 10

Take the garbage out to the curb at night, so that the
morning does not start with a fight.
-- Peter, age 7

I would build a treehouse for the kids, as far away as
possible, for some peace and quiet when I want to
cuddle up with my wife on the couch.
-- Thomas, age 8 

The husband should not start laughing every time the
smoke detector goes off in the kitchen and make the
wife mad for the rest of the day.
-- Barbie

If the daddy brings home some flowers, even if they are
the weird ones from the cemetery, then the mom forgets
what she was going to argue about and they smile and
smooch instead.
-- Holly



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making a Magnetic Chalk Board 
A homemade chalkboard is cheap/easy to make, and fun for
children and adults of all ages!

Approximate Time: 3 hours + depending on size

Supplies:
sheet metal (in order to also be magnetic)
chalkboard spray paint (available at hardware stores)
chalk
wooden planks cut to size for a frame (available at a
hardware store)
electric drill and screws for the frame
Instructions:
Visit the hardware store for all the supplies that you will
need. The friendly people there will cut everything down to
the size that you want your chalkboard to be. Remember that
the sheet metal is going to be your chalkboard, get it cut
larger if you plan on attaching a frame.
Follow the directions on the back of the chalkboard spray
paint, let it dry before attaching a frame. Remember, it may
need several coats.

There are several ways to attach a frame to the painted
sheet metal, our piece was thin enough that we turned it
over and used an electric drill and screwed short screws
into the wood, this way they do not show in the front. It
looks very professional. A frame is not necessary.
Have fun drawing pictures or jotting out quick notes!
By Grace from Seattle, WA

Peel & Stick whiteboard sheets are from $15 and up,
depending on size. You can peel them off if you move or
paint the walls and stick them on again later.
Have FUN! 
DearWebby

 
 pvc drums

____________________________________________________

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a 
town to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the 
first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that
night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters
to omit them from their articles. One article that came out
the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this
line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that
cannot be printed."
___________________________________________________


 
The Castello di Sammezzano - a Moorish Jewel in Italy.


According to Dave, who is in Ontario, and knows what the
Canadian Government is up to, Canada just got an 
aircraft carrier, the HMCSJeanChrétien.


HMCSJeanChrétien, top speed (downstream) 5 knots.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today on April 7
1712 A slave revolt broke out in New York City. 

1862 Union General Ulysses S. Grant defeated Confederates at
the Battle of Shiloh, TN. 

1864 The first camel race in America was held in Sacramento,
California. 

1888 P.F. Collier published a weekly periodical for the
first time under the name "Collier’s." 

1922 U.S. Secretary of Interior leased Teapot Dome naval oil
reserves in Wyoming. 

1927 The first long-distance TV transmission was sent from
Washington, DC, to New York City. The audience saw an image
of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover. 

1930 The first steel columns were set for the Empire State
Building. 

1933 Prohibition ended in the United States. 

1943 British and American armies linked up between Wadi
Akarit and El Guettar in North Africa to form a solid line
against the German army. 

1945 The Japanese battleship Yamato, the world’s largest
battleship, was sunk during the battle for Okinawa. The
fleet was headed for a suicide mission. 

1953 The Big Four met for the first time in 2 years to seek
an end to their air conflicts. 

1953 IBM unveiled the IBM 701 Electronic Data Processing
Machine. It was IBM's first commercially available
scientific computer. 

1963 Yugoslavia proclaimed itself a Socialist republic. 

1963 Josip Broz Tito was proclaimed to be the leader of
Yugoslavia for life. 

1966 The U.S. recovered a hydrogen bomb it had lost off the
coast of Spain. 

1967 Israel reported that they had shot down six Syrian
MIGs. 

1969 The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously struck down laws
prohibiting private possession of obscene material. 

1970 John Wayne won his first and only Oscar for his role in
"True Grit." He had been in over 200 films. 

1971 U.S. President Nixon pledged to withdraw 100,000 more
men from Vietnam by December. 

1980 The U.S. broke diplomatic relations with Iran and
imposed economic sanctions in response to the taking of
hostages on November 4, 1979. 

1983 Story Musgrave and Don Peterson made the first Space
Shuttle spacewalk. 

1983 The Chinese government canceled all remaining sports
and cultural exchanges with the U.S. for 1983. 

1985 In Goteborg, Sweden, China swept all of the world table
tennis titles except for men's doubles. 

1985 In Sudan, Gen. Swar el-Dahab took over the Presidency
while President Gaafar el-Nimeiry was visiting the U.S. and
Egypt. 

1985 The Soviet Union announced a unilateral freeze on
medium-range nuclear missiles. 

1988 Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev agreed to final terms
of a Soviet withdrawal from Afghanistan. Soviet troops began
leaving on May 16, 1988. 

1988 In Fort Smith, AR, 13 white supremacists were acquitted
on charges for plotting to overthrow the U.S. federal
government. 

1989 A Soviet submarine carrying nuclear weapons sank in the
Norwegian Sea. 

1990 In the U.S., John Poindexter was found guilty of five
counts at his Iran-Contra trial. The convictions were later
reversed on appeal. 

1994 Civil war erupted in Rwanda between the Patriotic Front
rebel group and government soldiers. Hundreds of thousands
were slaughtered in the months that followed. 

1998 Mary Bono, the widow of Sonny Bono, won a special
election to serve out the remainder of her husband's
congressional term. 

1999 Yugoslav authorities sealed off Kosovo's main border
crossings to prevent ethnic Albanians from leaving. 

2000 U.S. President Clinton signed the Senior Citizens
Freedom to Work Act of 2000. The bill reversed a Depression-
era law and allows senior citizens to earn money without
losing Social Security retirement benefits. 

2002 The Roman Catholic archdiocese announced that six
priests from the Archdiocese of New York were suspended over
allegations of sexual misconduct. 

2006 The Boeing X-37 conducted its first flight as a test
drop at Edwards Air Force Base, CA. 

2009 Former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori was
sentenced to 25 years in prison for ordering killings and
kidnappings by security forces. 

2017  smiled.






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How to deal with telemarketers 
Thursday, April 6, 2017, 10:09 AM
Posted by Administrator
		<B></B>







Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, April 6

Thank you, Lila!

Best wishes for Master Chief Jim. 
His wife Cori wrote me that he was in the hospital for two
heart operations, but is now back home again. He survived
WWII, Korea and Vietnam, and these two operations. 
Master Chief Jim is the oldest subscriber.

Keep him in your thoughts and prayers!

Have FUN!
DearWebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Dad reappears several days after 
leaving 6 year old son in the car.
Details at  Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, April 6 in
1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 
See More of what happened on this
day in history.
______________________________________________________



If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, 
please donate what you can!



______________________________________________________
Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees 
on something or other, reach for your wallet, because 
you're being had.
--- Michael Crichton (1942 - 2008)


______________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!

______________________________________________________

Kati's Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, ketchup and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be 
made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes 
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them 
perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,
abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains
the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and
U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is the red Light district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight

______________________________________________________

PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC

ARIES: Dear God, please give me patience ... 
and could you do it right now?

TAURUS: Dear God, help me accept change, 
but let me keep the old stuff.

GEMINI: Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?

CANCER: Dear God!!! Why me?

LEO: Yes? Hello God...are you listening to me?

VIRGO: Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it 
up like You did the last time.

LIBRA: Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the 
other hand, what do you think is best?

SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive 
our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!

SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told 
you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.

CAPRICORN: Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, 
but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!

AQUARIUS: Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos 
is ridiculous!!

PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth 
of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy
glory.
_____________________________________________________


______________________________________________________

Just after the maid had been fired, she took a steak from
the fridge and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former employer, she answered:

"I never forget a friend. This was for cleaning the
dishes for me all the time!"
______________________________________________________



______________________________________________________


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 

Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________

Reported by the Bausell Sailor

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
has been earned by

Darnell Washington,
38,
Houston,
Texas

Dad reappears several days after 
leaving 6 year old son in the car.

Darnell Washington pulled up to an adult bookstore, left the
SUV running, and headed inside. Hours passed, and the man
never came back. Meanwhile, his six-year-old son remained in
the car.

According to Click2Houston, six hours went by, and nobody
returned for the boy. Even worse, he had nothing to eat or
drink.

As ABC13 reports, Diamond Hawkins was working at a tattoo
shop when he finally saw the child sitting alone in the
vehicle:

“He was sitting in the truck and I didn't pay much attention
because we have a business next door that sells cars. I
thought his dad was next door buying a car or something.”

Eventually, the owner of the adult bookstore saw the boy
walking around the parking lot and went in search of his
parents. According to the Houston Chronicle, the owner went
inside the tattoo parlor and asked if the child belonged to
anyone, but nobody knew who he was.

At that point, he and Hawkins knew something was wrong.

According to Click2Houston, Hawkins said the young boy
couldn't provide them with any information:

“He didn’t know where his dad was. He didn’t know where he
lived, or his phone number, or anything. We looked for his
dad and couldn’t find him anywhere, so somebody called the
cops.”

Another tattoo shop employee, John Ridley, made sure the boy
was comfortable while they waited for the police to arrive.
They eventually got the frightened child to talk:

"He was really shy at first. He had a little food and we put
him in front of the TV and he got accustomed to us. He
opened up a bit and told us his name.”

When nobody came to pick the six-year-old boy up from the
police, he was placed with Texas Child Protective Services.
As for Washington, he didn't show back up to the parking lot
for several days.

When he finally did return, Hawkins said Washington appeared
to be more concerned about his vehicle than his son:

“He came in and was asking about his car. Wasn't too
concerned about the kid but said, 'Hey did you have a car
towed, where's my car.'”

Washington admitted to police that he was drinking on the
day he left his child. He said he had “four shots of
whiskey” and “four to five shots of tequila.” He explained
that he passed out behind the store in an alley, woke up,
couldn't find his child, and passed out again.

He eventually found out where the child he left behind was
when he called his own father, who let him know the police
had him.

Mardee Paige was at the tattoo parlor with her best friend
celebrating her 70th birthday when the little boy was
rescued from wandering around the parking lot. Paige said:

“That person in my mind shouldn't have a child. Who knows
what would have happened had somebody not brought him over
here.”

Washington was charged with child endangerment. His court
date set for April 11.

The young boy is now staying with friends.
There was no mention  of a mother in any report. She might
be dead or in jail.

______________________________________________________

Tech Support Pits
From: Danielle
Re: Telemarketers

Dear Webby
I have been told not to be rude to telemarketers, just in
case they are potential clients. I know you have a 
dangerously wicked sense of humor and have had some
good tips about that in the past, but unfortunately I did 
not save them. What do you recommend?
Danielle

Dear Danielle
Just tell the telemarketer that they should be talking to
Farley Marblemouth and to hold on. Then, before they 
can reply to that, put them on hold.

Eventually you'll hear the beeping that indicates a dead
line.

An alternative is to tell them that you, or whoever they
want to talk to are too busy to listen to telemarketers and
that they should send an email. They never do.

If Call Indicator shows the name of a state, it is forged by
a telemarketer. I don't even bother listening to their
crap,
I hit On/Off faster than they can get one word out.

Have FUN!
DearWebby




Redneck Manners

Entertaining in Your Home
a. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything 
  prepared by a taxidermist.
b. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, even if his
manners   are better than those of your mother-in-law.

Dining Out
a. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper 
  cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the bouquet of 
  the wine.
b. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it 
  with your fingers covering the label. 

Personal Hygiene
a. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job 
  that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
b. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for 
  several days. If you live alone, however, deodorant is 
  a waste of good money.
c. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, 
 as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter 
  the taste of finger foods. 

Rules of the Road
a. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if 
  the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
b. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the 
  largest tires always has the right of way.
c. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
d. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, 
  it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
e. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle when you
  are the driver.
f. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession. 

Weddings
a) Ex-mother-in-laws should not be invited to weddings, 
  unless they are the parole officers of the bride or groom.
b) Rifles and handguns are not appropriate wedding gifts.
c) When giving a set of towels, tires, milk-crates or 
  hub-caps as wedding gifts, try to pick the same make
 or color for each piece of the set.
d) If the bride is more than 8 months pregnant, it is better

 to have the wedding after the delivery of the baby, so that
  the bride can fully enjoy and participate in the wedding 
  brawl.



If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can!




Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grease Stains on Suede Shoes 
By Pamela [1 Comment]
I've had luck with removing light grease stains from suede
with rubber cement. The kind of rubber cement used in school
projects (comes in a brown bottle with it's own brush
inside). Of course, test first on a small spot, like the on
inside lining. Just brush on a small amount, let it sit for
a moment to dry, then rub off the rubber cement with a soft
cloth. When stain is gone and suede is dry, use suede brush
to fluff up the suede again. Good luck!

 
 Record size bass caught by 
hand!

____________________________________________________

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of 
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed 
evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave 
children or spouses."
___________________________________________________


 
Very unusual vehicles.


A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else 
when a beautiful girl enters the room.



Ophelia Dingbatter's
News

No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun
for grownups. 
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, 
look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

____________________________________________________




Today on April 6
1199 English King Richard I was killed by an arrow at the
siege of the castle of Chaluz in France. 

1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport
arrived at the Spanish colony of Puerto Rico for supplies
before continuing on their journey. On May 14, they went
ashore and founded Jamestown, Virginia, as the first
permanent English colony in America. 

1652 Jan van Riebeeck established a settlement at Cape Town,
South Africa. 

1814 Granted sovereignty in the island of Elba and a pension
from the French government, Napoleon Bonaparte abdicates at
Fountainebleau. He was allowed to keep the title of emperor.

1830 Joseph Smith and five others organized the Mormon
Church in western New York. 

1830 Relations between the Texans and Mexico reached a new
low when Mexico would not allow further emigration into
Texas by settlers from the U.S. 

1862 The American Civil War Battle of Shiloh began in
Tennessee. 

1865 At the Battle of Sayler's Creek, a third of Lee's army
was cut off by Union troops pursuing him to Appomattox. 

1875 Alexander Graham Bell was granted a patent for the
multiple telegraph, which sent two signals at the same time.

1896 The first modern Olympic Games began in Athens, Greece.

1903 French Army Nationalists were revealed for forging
documents to guarantee a conviction for Alfred Dryfus. 

1909 Americans Robert Peary and Matthew Henson claimed to be
the first men to reach the North Pole. 

1916 Charlie Chaplin became the highest-paid film star in
the world when he signed a contract with Mutual Film
Corporation for $675,000 a year. He was 26 years old. 

1917 The U.S. Congress approved a declaration of war on
Germany and entered World War I on the winning side. 

1924 Four planes left Seattle on the first successful flight
around the world. 

1927 William P. MacCracken, Jr. earned license number ‘1’
when the Department of Commerce issued the first aviator’s
license. 

1938 The United States recognized the German conquest of
Austria. 

1941 German forces invaded Greece and Yugoslavia. 

1953 Iranian Premier Mossadegh demanded that the shah's
power be reduced. 

1957 Trolley cars in New York City completed their final
runs. 

1965 U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson authorized the use of
ground troops in combat operations in Vietnam. 

1967 In South Vietnam, 1,500 Viet Cong attacked Quangtri and
freed 200 prisoners. 

1981 A Yugoslav Communist Party official confirmed reports
of intense ethnic riots in Kosovo. 

1983 The U.S. Veteran's Administration announced it would
give free medical care for conditions traceable to radiation
exposure to more than 220,000 veterans who participated in
nuclear tests from 1945 to 1962. 

1985 William J. Schroeder became the first artificial heart
recipient to be discharged from the hospital. 

1998 Federal researchers in the U.S. announced that daily
tamoxifen pills could cut breast cancer risk among high-risk
women. 

1998 Pakistan successfully tested medium-range missiles
capable of attacking neighboring India. 

2017  smiled.







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