Separate licenses for Windows 

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, May 31

If you have not seen Barb's Bonus link, go back to the
Wednesday issue and look it up.
The site shows lots of new pictures of desert wild flowers!
For me it was just like being there on the 25 or so cactus safaris,
running around the deserts and mountains taking pictures of
blooming cacti, but just barely smiling at the wild flowers.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Mother arrested after running over 
7 mo old daughter and boyfriend, 
killing daughter
Today, May 31 in
1977 The trans-Alaska oil pipeline was finished after 3 years of
construction. It still works. Bears still walk on it. 
They have the right of way.

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity. --- Robertson Davies ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A census taker knocked on a lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly." he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he slowly intoned as he wrote on his form. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Yes, the desert DOES bloom! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." _____________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sarah Gomez, 19, Ontario, California Mother arrested after running over 7 mo old daughter and boyfriend, killing daughter A California mother was taken into police custody early Tuesday after she allegedly struck her boyfriend and their 7-month-old daughter with a car, injuring the father and killing the child, according to KTLA. Sarah Gomez, 19, was arrested on suspicion of murder and attempted murder, the Ontario Police Department tweeted. The incident happened on the driveway of a residence in the 500 block of West D Street around midnight, Sgt. Jeff Higbee said. Investigators believed the infant's mother and 21-year-old father had been drinking at a family gathering just a few streets away when they became involved in an argument. Gomez was behind the wheel when she struck her boyfriend with the infant in his arms, according to police. Other family members took the girl to the hospital along with the father, who suffered scrapes and abrasions, Higbee said. The child had injuries consistent with being hit by a car, the officer said. Authorities towed the vehicle to investigate it. Earlier, the agency said it expected Gomez to be charged with two counts of assault with a deadly weapon. But it later appeared that the incident was intentional, Higbee told KTLA. Gomez is held at the San Bernardino County West Valley Detention Center.
Tech Support Pits From: Bonnie Re: Separate licenses Dear Webby Thanks Webby, One more thing, I have 2 separate desktop computers and a laptop. For the windows 7 to be "genuine", can I install the one purchased, or do I need to purchase 3 separate ones? Again, love your newsletter! An Avid Reader and User of Tips stitichingirl Dear Bonnie Micro$oft insists that you buy a separate license for each computer. I have a hunch that the demand AND PRICE for W7 will go up as more and more people learn that a W10 computer is just a W7 machine, that hasn't been formatted yet, and still needs W7 to be installed, to become fast enough for work. Have FUN DearWebby
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't never had one. Never." "That's hard to believe. Nothing ever happened to you at all?" "Well, rattler bit me one time." "Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Hell no. Dang varmint bit me on purpose."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said. Then, returning to reality she added, "But if the big jerk is in the restaurant flirting at the waitress... don't wait any longer."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or some physical sport?" "No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Save Change and Dollar Bills My husband and I have always saved our change, but recently we have started saving our one dollar bills as well. At the end of each day, we put all of our ones in a little bank, and on Saturday, we deposit what we have into our savings account. It adds up quickly! By Carol Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Having gone out for a large lunch with fellow workers, one health conscious young woman from our office was especially motivated to get to the gym after work. Our boss, who had also enjoyed a large meal, suggested that she run an extra lap for him. As she was leaving the office, she called to the boss, "Get ready to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!"
Winners and losers of People are Awesome!
___________________________________________________ An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!! ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A kindergartner brings his drawings home every day. His mother is delighted to see what he's doing, of course, and hangs each one on the refrigerator. But after a while, one thing starts bothering her. The child uses only blacks and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist. The psychologist delicately goes to work. Every day, for two weeks, he gives the boy a battery of tests, but everything seems perfectly normal. Yet every day the little fellow continues to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem, the psychologist decides to give the boy some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens. The boy opens the box of crayons and says, "Oh, wow! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes, and the only ones left in mine are black and brown." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 31 in
1433 Sigismund was crowned emperor of Rome. 

1859 In London, Big Ben went into operation. 

1870 E.J. DeSemdt patented asphalt. 

1880 The first U.S. national bicycle society was formed in Newport,
RI. It was known as the League of American Wheelman. 

1884 Dr. John Harvey Kellogg patented "flaked cereal." 

1889 In Johnstown, PA, more than 2,200 people died after the South
Fork Dam collapsed. 

1900 U.S. troops arrived in Peking to help put down the Boxer

1902 The Boer War ended between the Boers of South Africa and Great
Britain with the Treaty of Vereeniging. 

1907 The first taxis arrived in New York City. They were the first
in the United States. 

1909 The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People
(NAACP) held its first conference. 

1910 The Union of South Africa was founded. 

1915 A German zeppelin made an air raid on London. 

1927 Ford Motor Company produced the last "Tin Lizzie" in order to
begin production of the Model A. 

1929 In Beverly, MA, the first U.S. born reindeer were born. 

1941 The first issue of "Parade: The Weekly Picture Newspaper" went
on sale. 

1943 "Archie" was aired on the Mutual Broadcasting System for the
first time. 

1947 Communists seized control of Hungary. 

1955 The U.S. Supreme Court ordered that all states must end racial
segregation "with all deliberate speed." 

1961 South Africa became an independent republic. 

1962 Adolf Eichmann was hanged in Israel. Eichmann was a Gestapo
official and was executed for his actions in the Nazi Holocaust. 

1970 An earthquake in Peru killed tens of thousands of people. 

1974 Israel and Syria signed an agreement on the Golan Heights. 

1977 The trans-Alaska oil pipeline was finished after 3 years of
construction. It still works. Bears walking on it have the 
right of way.

1979 Zimbabwe proclaimed its independence. 

1994 The U.S. announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear
missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union. 

1995 Bob Dole singled out Time Warner for "the marketing of evil"
in movies and music. Dole later admitted that he had not seen or
heard much of what he had been criticizing. 

2003 In North Carolina, Eric Robert Rudolph was captured. He had
been on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list for five years for several
bombings including the 1996 Olympic bombing.

2018  smiled.

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Using Mailwasher to make filters 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, May 30

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman, 53, ran brothel out of luxury flat and 
made prostitutes pose as massage therapists
Today, May 30 in
1911 Ray Harroun won the first Indianapolis 500. At the time, it
was known as International 500-Mile Sweepstakes Race. Harroun's
average speed was 74.59 miles per hour. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. --- Robert Benchley Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything. --- Floyd Dell ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Hi Webby, I've worn red on Fridays since I first heard of it from you. I have nephews in Iraq. I support them in any way I can. Thanks for reminding others! Also thank you for all the tips and laughs. Unfortunately, we have a tendancy to take people for granted and don't verbalize our appreciation as often as we should. I do vote daily to show my appreciation! Thanks again, Jessie _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Chin Chi Chang, 53, Kirkcaldy, Fife, Scotland Britain Woman, 53, ran brothel out of luxury flat and made prostitutes pose as massage therapists Chin Chih Chang, 53, was acting as a madam at the flat in Kirkcaldy, Fife, Scotland, where prostitutes in their ‘20s and 30s’ operated. She had denied the charge but was found guilty at Kirkcaldy sheriff court after male clients testified they had visited the brothel and paid for sex. Alasdair McIntosh, 56, revealed he got a ‘Brucie bonus’ from an Asian escort after initially paying for a £100 massage. Police found him butt naked and on top of a woman when they raided the property at Lord Gambier Wharf on May 31 last year, the trial heard. PC Stephanie McLean said Mr McIntosh was aroused, adding: ‘I observed his buttocks in the air with the female’s legs wrapped around him. ‘I told him, “get off and get up”. The female tried to cover herself up. She was wearing ­stockings and a small top. ‘Due to his nakedness, I told him to cover himself up, but he stood there with a grin on his face as if he wasn’t bothered by the scenario. He walked with no shame. He sort of strutted.’ The court erupted in laughter when her colleague PC Kevin Daglish said Mr McIntosh was acting ‘cocky’, the Scottish Daily Record reported. Officers also found Andrew Wilson, 50, in another room. He had all his clothes on at the time and claimed he was there to get treatment on a sciatic nerve. Another man said women kept ‘condoms, potions, lotions and creams’ in the flat. arrive next week Chang, from Hove, Sussex, had claimed through an interpreter the women were massage therapists but was still convicted by a jury. The mum-of-one even advertised ‘Chinese massages’ on website Gumtree. The court heard she transferred around £30,000 to an account in her home country of Taiwan and she has now been given a confiscation order to try and recoup the illicit funds. Chang moved to England four years ago after marrying a British man. Sheriff Jamie Gilchrist QC granted her bail as he considers reports before sentencing her.
Tech Support Pits From: Ross Re: Forgot MailWasher Dear Webby You Forgot to Mention MAILWASHER. Ross Dear Ross Yes, I did. Whenever I mention making filters, I automatically think of MailWasher, because I have used it for so long. Actually, I was one of the original testers in the 90s. Making filters with MailWasher is like a game. Whenever you spot a pattern, something the spammers use again and again, click on the little arrows on the right top to get the tools, hit FILTERS, ADD, and play for a minute. You can make filters dead simple like just the address of your MIL, or you can craft a complicated filter that has a few "But not if" and all kinds of fancy rules, that you simply pull down from the selector. It sounds difficult just reading about it, but once you actually play with it, you see that it is really simple and quickly turns into a fun game to outsmart the spammers. Have FUN DearWebby
Thanks to MaryAnn for this story: Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way. They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
What is the one thing that all women at singles bars have in common? They're all married and they all have a white, untanned line on their ring finger. .
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the recruits got airsick. "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked George. "Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from No Till Veggies Here's what my Daddy did when he planted potatoes. He dug a lil furrow and planted potatoes and covered them ever so lightly with dirt. Then he covered that with a little hay. Then as the plants grew, he covered with more hay. He kept doing that until plants were waist high. Then when potaoes were ready to harvest, he would just turn back the hay and here were the potaoes. No digging. Tip provided by There is an even easier way: Toss your cut potatoes, one eye per piece, onto the dirt, cover them with an old bed sheet, and water them. When the plants start to raise the sheet, poke a hole with a knife for each, so that they can wiggle through. The rest of the season just water them normally. From mid summer on you can reach under the sheet and steal clean and firm potatoes. Yukon Gold style potatoes work fine with that method. In the fall let the first frost kill the greenery, cut the stalks with a machete, pull the sheet with the cut stalks, rake and shovel the potatoes into gunny sacks. They are clean. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________ An Austin, Texas, Emergency Medical Technician answered a call at the home of an elderly woman whose sister had collapsed. As they were placing her in the ambulance, the lady wailed, "Oh, lawdy, lawdy. I know what's the matter with her. She done got the same thing what killed her brother. It's a heretical disease. It's the Smiling Mighty Jesus!" When the technician got the sister to the county hospital, she looked up the brother's medical records to find that he had died of -- spinal meningitis.
Beautiful desert wild flowers.
___________________________________________________ In a hat shop a salesgirl gushed, "That's the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger." "Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A man went to see his eye doctor, who told him he had a case of myopera and that he and would have to wear contract lenses. That's a lot better than his friend, who had had a cadillac removed. Still, when he worked at his computer, he would have to watch out for harbor tunnel syndrome. He worried that his authoritis of the joints might be a signal of Old Timer's disease and fretted that a genital heart defect was causing trouble with his duodemon. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 30 in
1416 Jerome of Prague was burned as a heretic by the Church. 

1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, at the
age of 19. 

1539 Hernando de Soto, the Spanish explorer, landed in Florida with
600 soldiers to search for gold. 

1783 The first daily newspaper was published in the U.S. by
Benjamin Towner called "The Pennsylvania Evening Post" 

1814 The First Treaty of Paris was declared, which returned France
to its 1792 borders. 

1848 W.G. Young patented the ice cream freezer. 

1868 Memorial Day was observed widely for the first time in the

1879 William Vanderbilt renamed New York City's Gilmore’s Garden to
Madison Square Garden. 

1883 Twelve people were trampled to death in New York City in a
stampede when a rumor that the Brooklyn Bridge was in danger of
collapsing occurred. 

1896 The first automobile accident occurred in New York City. 

1903 In Riverdale, NY, the first American motorcycle hill climb was

1911 Ray Harroun won the first Indianapolis 500. At the time, it
was known as International 500-Mile Sweepstakes Race. Harroun's
average speed was 74.59 miles per hour. 

1912 The U.S. Marines were sent to Nicaragua to protect American

1913 The First Balkan War ended. 

1921 The U.S. Navy transferred the Teapot Dome oil reserves to the
Department of the Interior. 

1933 Sally Rand introduced her exotic and erotic fan dance to
audiences at Chicago’s Century of Progress Exposition. 

1943 American forces secured the Aleutian island of Attu from the
Japanese during World War II. 

1958 Unidentified soldiers killed in World War II and the Korean
conflicts were buried at Arlington National Cemetery. 

1967 Daredevil Evel Knievel jumped 16 automobiles in a row in a
motorcycle stunt at Ascot Speedway in Gardena, CA. 

1967 The state of Biafra seceded from Nigeria and Civil war

1971 Mariner 9, the American deep space probe blasted off on a
journey to Mars. 

1981 In Chittagong, Bangladesh, President Ziaur Rahman was

1982 Spain became the 16th NATO member. Spain was the first country
to enter the Western alliance since West Germany in 1955. 

1983 Peru's President Fernando Belaunde Terry declared a state of
emergency and suspended civil rights after bombings by leftist

1989 The "Goddess of Democracy" statue (33 feet height) was erected
in Tiananmen Square by student demonstrators. 

1996 Britain's Prince Andrew and the former Sarah Ferguson were
granted an uncontested decree ending their 10-year marriage. 

1997 Jesse K. Timmendequas was convicted in Trenton, NJ, of raping
and strangling a 7-year-old neighbor, Megan Kanka. The 1994 murder
inspired "Megan's Law," requiring that communities be notified when
sex offenders move in. 

1998 A powerful earthquake hit northern Afghanistan killing up to

2002 In New York, a ceremony was held to officially mark the end of
the clean up from the World Trade Center terrorist attacks on
September 11, 2001. 

2012 New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced the Portion
Cap Rule. The proposed amendment to the city health code would have
required that food service establishments limit the size of sugary
beverages to 16 ounces. On June 26, 2014, the New York Court of
Appeals ruled that the New York City Board of Health had exceeded
the scope of its regulatory authority.

2018  smiled.

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Forged addresses 

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 29

Ralph from
was the only one, so far, who found the hidden cat.
Congratulations, Ralph!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Welsh teenager refused to be treated by 
black doctor after being stabbed in back
Today, May 29 in
2015 The Obama adminstration removed Cuba from the U.S. terrorism
blacklist. The two countries had severed diplomatic relations in
January of 1961, after Cuba nationalized and stole all American
refineries, plantations and hospitals. That was fine by Obama.

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Virtue is its own punishment. --- Aneurin Bevan (1897 - 1960) The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. --- Doug Larson ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says, "How about a cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede. By this point, the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ There once was a drunk man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the drunk asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The drunk man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the drunk man started shouting, "Don't flush, PLEASE, don't flush!" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Zena Edwards,18, Llandudno, Wales, Britain Welsh teenager refused to be treated by black doctor after being stabbed in back Zena Edwards, from Llandudno in Wales, told the doctor attempting to clean the cut in her back: ‘You can’t clean it, you are dirty yourself.’ Llandudno magistrates’ court District Judge Gwyn Jones told the 18- year-old: ‘A doctor working in hospital should not have to be subjected to such appalling behaviour.’ The court heard that Edwards had earlier spat in the faces of two police officers and tried to headbutt them while they were carrying out a search at a flat in May. They found her asleep in a bedroom with a stab wound in her back after she had been drinking and taking drugs at a party, the court heard. She lashed out at the officers when they attempted to put her in handcuffs. James Neary, prosecuting, said Detective Constables Gemma Smith and Kelly Taylor-Jones executed the search warrant at a flat in Palace Avenue, Rhyl, on May 6. They were assaulted when they stopped Edwards from getting a glass of water. She was taken by the police to St Asaph police station and then to the emergency department at Glan Clwyd Hospital, where the abuse continued. Edwards was given a 12-month community punishment and ordered to carry out 200 hours of unpaid work at Llandudno Magistrates’ Court It was at the hospital she made the racist remark to the doctor who tried to treat her wound. ‘Other patients were clearly alarmed,’ said Mr Neary. Andy Hutchinson, defending, said that Edwards had been at a party and had somehow been stabbed in the back although she did not know how because she was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. ‘Nobody knows how she sustained the wound,’ he said.
Tech Support Pits From: Alex Re: Forged address Dear Webby I get all kinds of mail that has my address forged into the sender address. Since I DO send mail to myself as a fast way to record and file notes, I can't block my own address and spam gets through the same way. How do I filter forged addresses? Alex Dear Alex You will notice that spammers usually use some name other than yours, just your address. Put your name into the sender name field. All email programs have a way of doing that, even OE. Then make a filter that IF the Sender address contains AND the sender address does NOT contain "Alex P" then dump the mail automatically, don't even list it. Have FUN DearWebby
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Once I did system support in a law firm. One day, I had to log a user off and then back on. I entered her initials and then I asked her for her password. Her password was "genius". After three tries and the system telling me "access denied," I asked her how to spell it. She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
In Social Studies class the teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a flouer mill, and so on. A little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?" He said " Not really, Miss Hancock, more of a question." "Well what's your question?" the teacher asked. "Well,Miss Hancock," said the little boy, "What did YOUR ancestors do for a living?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Velcro cable ties Before discarding worn out clothing or footwear that has velcro closures, remove the velcro. Glue or sew the pairs with their back sides together and cut them into 4 - 6" long strips. They make perfect cable ties to tame the cable salad behind your computer. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ The day I got married was really embarrassing. When the minister said, "If anyone present doesn't agree with this marriage; come forward and speak now, or forever hold your peace", I turned around and noticed her family had formed a double line. And they had shotguns!
Ice caves that never melt even in summer.
___________________________________________________ One evening at story time, a little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" "No, Honey," he replied, "there's a whole series of Fairy Tales that being with, 'If Elected I Promise' " ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 29 in
1453 Constantinople fell to Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II, ending the
Byzantine Empire. 

1660 Charles II was restored to the English throne after the
Puritan Commonwealth. 

1721 South Carolina was formally incorporated as a royal colony. 

1765 Patrick Henry denounced the Stamp Act before Virginia's House
of Burgesses. 

1827 The first nautical school opened in Nantucket, MA, under the
name Admiral Sir Isaac Coffin’s Lancasterian School. 

1910 An airplane raced a train from Albany, NY, to New York City.
The airplane pilot Glenn Curtiss won the $10,000 prize. 

1912 Fifteen women were dismissed from their jobs at the Curtis
Publishing Company in Philadelphia, PA, for dancing the Turkey Trot
while on the job. 

1916 The official flag of the president of the United States was

1916 U.S. forces invaded Dominican Republic and remained until

1922 Ecuador became independent. 

1922 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that organized baseball was a
sport, not subject to antitrust laws. 

1932 World War I veterans began arriving in Washington, DC. to
demand cash bonuses they were not scheduled to receive for another
13 years. 

1951 C.F. Blair became the first man to fly over the North Pole in
single engine plane. 

1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay became first men to
reach the top of Mount Everest. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon agreed to turn over 1,200 pages of edited
Watergate transcripts. 

1985 Thirty-nine people were killed and 400 were injured in a riot
at a European Cup soccer match in Brussels, Belgium. 

1986 Colonel Oliver North told National Security Advisor William
McFarlane that profits from weapons sold to Iran were being
diverted to the Contras. 

1988 U.S. President Reagan began his first visit to the Soviet
Union in Moscow. 

1990 Boris Yeltsin was elected president of the Russian republic by
the Russian parliament. 

1997 The ruling party in Indonesia, Golkar, won the Parliament
election by a record margin. There was a boycott movement and
rioting that killed 200 people. 

1999 Space shuttle Discovery completed the first docking with the
International Space Station. 

2000 Fiji's military took control of the nation and declared
martial law following a coup attempt by indigenous Fijians in mid-

2001 In New York, four followers of Osama bin Laden were convicted
of a global conspiracy to murder Americans. The crimes included the
1998 bombings of two U.S. embassies in Africa that killed 224

2001 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin
could use a cart to ride in tournaments. 

2015 The Obama adminstration removed Cuba from the U.S. terrorism
blacklist. The two countries had severed diplomatic relations in
January of 1961, after Cuba nationalized and stole all American
refineries, plantations and hospitals. That was fine by Obama.

2018  smiled.

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Origin of suspected spam 

Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, May 28
Today is Memorial Day.
Honor the heroes!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Child found living in St. Johns County 
drug house, 5 arrested
Today, May 27 in
585 BC A solar eclipse occurred that had been predicted by 
Thales Miletus. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. --- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005) Careful. We don't want to learn from this. --- Bill Watterson (1958 - ), ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie forthis report from the Vatican: The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - "Blessed be mankind." A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The pope said, "Sure." The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. "HEY Neil! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Richard Roggero, 43, Kristi Kennington, 46, Melissa Lazerte, 32, Donald Blount, 35, Kelley Eplin, 25 Child found living in St. Johns County drug house, 5 arrested Five people were arrested Wednesday at a home in St. Johns County after deputies say they found drugs and drug paraphernalia within reach of a child. Photo gallery. These people face charges including possession, delivery or trafficking in methamphetamine, possession of marijuana, maintaining a drug dwelling and child neglect, according to deputies. The arrests were made following the execution of a search warrant at a house on Chapel Road in St. Augustine, located next to Flagler College’s athletic fields, according to the arrest report. Jacksonville 9-year-old found safe after intensive search The arrests were made following the execution of a search warrant at a house on Chapel Road in St. Augustine, located next to Flagler College’s athletic fields, according to the arrest report. Deputies say detectives with the St. Johns County Special Investigations Unit have been investigating the home for over a month. According to the St. Johns County Sheriffs Office, Melissa Lazerte, 32; Donald Blount, 35; Kristi Kennington, 46; Richard Roggero, 43; and Kelley Eplin, 25, were arrested and transported to the St. Johns County Jail. The arrest reports from Wednesday morning say the St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office SWAT team entered the house and told the people inside to exit the building. SWAT team members say they then watched Lazerte, the homeowner, go to the bathroom and flush a substance from a clear plastic baggie down the toilet. Upon searching the home, deputies say they discovered a young child living in unsatisfactory conditions. According to the arrest reports, drugs and paraphernalia such as baggies, scales, glass pipes, spoons, and hypodermic needles were found throughout the home and within reach of the child. Lazerte has been charged with possession of methamphetamine with the intent to sell within 1,000 feet of a college, child neglect without great bodily harm, maintaining a drug dwelling, possession of drug paraphernalia, and destruction of evidence. Blount faces charges of possession of methamphetamine with the intent to sell/distribute within 1,000 feet of a college and possession of drug paraphernalia. Kennington and Roggero each face charges of trafficking in methamphetamine more than 28 grams but less than 200 grams and possession of drug paraphernalia. Eplin has been charged with possession of marijuana less than 20 grams and possession of drug paraphernalia. The incident reports say the Florida Department of Children and Families responded to the home in relation to the custody and welfare of the child.
Tech Support Pits From: Bill Re: Susp Email Dear Webby What's the story with all these supposed alerts in the mail about McAfee having detected suspect email and no address in the TO field? Bill Dear Bill That's just a virus sent from infected machines. If you use Mailwasher, it will recognize them an mark them as KNOWN. However, so that they don't even show in the list of mails, I made a filter that deletes them automatically, unseen. Have FUN DearWebby
Morris had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in France. "I wish we'd brought the refrigerator with us," said Morris. "What on earth for?" asked the wife. "I've left our airline tickets on it."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Jill and John boarded a crowded subway car on their way home to Brooklyn. Standing next to them was a man who'd clearly had a liquid lunch. When the doors opened at the next station, the man tumbled out and landed flat on his back. John rushed to his side, picked him up, and hauled him back into the car. As the train was pulling away, the man mumbled to Jill and John, "That wasch my schtop. I alwaysch fall out there!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Ross for this report: European Union on Higher Alert The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed boats have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Use Less Fabric Softener When using fabric softener in the wash, I use a fraction of the amount suggested on the packaging and add water to make up the difference. The wash comes out just as soft and nicely scented. No one will ever know the difference. By Kelly Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
The Real Reason For Memorial Day
___________________________________________________ A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day. When he pointed this out to a member of staff, he replied, "That's true, but, of course, the answers are completely different every year." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ >From Linda My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free news- papers for his customers. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." "Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled... "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 28 in
585 BC A solar eclipse occurred that had been predicted by Thales

585 BC The Persian-Lydian battle ended. 

1533 England's Archbishop declared the marriage of King Henry VIII
to Anne Boleyn valid. 

1805 Napoleon was crowned in Milan, Italy. 

1863 The first black regiment left Boston to fight in the U.S.
Civil War. 

1892 The Sierra club was organized in San Francisco, CA. 

1900 Britain annexed the Orange Free State. 

1918 Azerbaijan declared independence. 

1928 Chrysler Corporation merged with Dodge Brothers, Inc. 

1929 Warner Brothers debuted "On With The Show" in New York City.
It was the first all-color-talking picture. 

1934 The Dionne quintuplets were born near Callender, Ontario, to
Olivia and Elzire Dionne. The babies were the first quintuplets to
survive infancy. 

1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt pushed a button in
Washington, DC, signaling that vehicular traffic could cross the
newly opened Golden Gate Bridge in California. 

1940 During World War II, Belgium surrendered to Germany. 

1961 Amnesty International, a human rights organization, was

1976 The Peaceful Nuclear Explosion Treaty was signed, limiting any
nuclear explosion regardless of its purpose to a yield of 150

1977 Fire raced through the Beverly Hills Supper Club in Southgate,
KY. 165 people were killed. 

1985 David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital
in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers. He was
freed 17 months later. 

1987 Mathias Rust, a 19-year-old West German pilot, landed a
private plane in Moscow's Red Square after evading Soviet air
defenses. He was released August 3, 1988. 

1995 An earthquake in the Russian town Neftegorsk killed at least
2000 people. It had a magnitude of 7.5. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton's former business partners in the
Whitewater land deal were convicted of fraud. 

1998 Pakistan matched India with five nuclear test blasts. The
U.S., Japan and other nations imposed economic sanctions. Pakistani
Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif said "Today, we have settled the score
with India." 

1998 Dr. Susan Terebey discovered a planet outside of our solar
system with the use of photos taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. 

1999 In Milan, Italy, Leonardo de Vinci's "The Last Supper" was put
back on display after more than 20 years of restoration work. 

2002 Russia became a limited partner in NATO with the creation of
the NATO-Russia Council. 

2015 The Observatory at One World Trade Center officially opened. 

2018  smiled.

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Thriftyfun Newsletters 

Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, May 27

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man babysitting toddlers had watermarked 
'copyright' on his child porn
Today, May 27 in
1941 The German battleship Bismarck was sunk by British 
naval and air forces. 2,300 people were killed. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. --- Herman Wouk (1915 - ) "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think." --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal appearance frequently left much to be desired. The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!" After that, he had to run for his life! _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Find the hidden cat! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger & heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so one-pound Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Gave up after one, huh ?" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Dashawn Webster, 22 Portsmouth, Virginia Man babysitting toddlers had watermarked 'copyright' on child porn A Virginia man has been arrested after he allegedly molested a 2- year-old boy and posted images of the abuse online. The Virginian-Pilot reports Dashawn Webster, 22, was arrested last week after confessing to a federal investigator. The charges against Webster stem from two investigations targeting websites that distributed child pornography. One investigation was led by The International Criminal Police Organization and another was led by Homeland Security Investigations. Investigators recovered a thumb drive from a suspect in a different case that included child porn images that "appeared to be homemade." The pictures were all watermarked with a single screen name and the word "copyright." The same screen name was discovered on a variety of websites dealing in child pornography. Agents were able to link the screen name to an old address of Webster's in Portsmouth, Virginia. A Portsmouth police sergeant went to the address to confirm Webster lived there, and found the man was babysitting two boys. Soon after, an agent served a search warrant at the house. According to WTKR, Webster admitted to producing the watermarked images and said the victim was just two years old when the pictures were taken. Numerous additional images of child pornography were found on Webster's electronic devices. Horrified neighbor, Carolyn Christensen, said the alleged abuse made her "sick." "He never goes anywhere, he's always there, he never comes out," she added. "He steps out of the doorway sometimes to pick up the children." Webster is being held at Western Tidewater Regional Jail.
Tech Support Pits From: Shirley Re: Thriftyfun newsletter Dear Webby I have been trying to subscribe to the thriftyfun articles, but can't do it. Can you help me out? Or can you just put me on the list to get all the thriftyfun articles. Thank you. I love your humor letter. Read it from top to bottom. thanks Shirley Dear Shirley They have lots of newsletters. Here is the link ThriftyFun Subscriber Have FUN DearWebby
The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had he taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Joe for this story: I made the decision to finally do something about the 600 pounds I'm carrying on my 5'4" frame. So, I headed down to the local sports shoe store and was just amazed at the tremendous selection of different shoes. Flat arch, high arch, over-pronator, neutral-pronator, under-pronator . . . my God! I finally selected a pair and, as I was trying 'em on, I asked June, "What's this little pocket thing on the side for?" She said, "Oh, that's to carry spare change for the payphone, so that you can call me when you've jogged too far to walk back from."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Wendy tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to Paul her good friend. Paul told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Wendy, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said Paul. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Wendy made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Paul asked Wendy, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Wendy, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Christmas Shopping Throughout the Year I do my Christmas shopping throughout the year, taking advantage of sales. That way, I am not hit with whopping big bills after Christmas. It also saves me money. This preparation eliminates a lot of physical and mental stress. By Kathleen Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Groan Alert! Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland, and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it." The woman asked, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?" Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."
Very friendly deer
___________________________________________________ The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ >From Jerry Listening to the weather across the country (my wife) Dolores explained it to me. "Did you ever notice that every time the doomsayers have a global warming warning event, that the weather freezes up? I think it's God's way of telling Al Gore that `HE' is still in control." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 27 in
1647 Alse Young (Achsah Young or Alice Young), a resident of
Windsor, CT, was executed for being a "witch." It was the first
recorded American execution of a "witch." 

1668 Three colonists were expelled from Massachusetts for being

1813 Americans captured Fort George, Canada. 

1896 255 people were killed in St. Louis, MO, when a tornado

1901 The Edison Storage Battery Company was organized. 

1907 The Bubonic Plague broke out in San Francisco. 

1919 A U.S. Navy seaplane completed the first transatlantic flight.

1926 Bronze figures of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer were erected in
Hannibal, MO. 

1931 Piccard and Knipfer made the first flight into the
stratosphere, by balloon. 

1933 Walt Disney's "Three Little Pigs" was first released. 

1933 In the U.S., the Federal Securities Act was signed. The act
required the registration of securities with the Federal Trade

1935 The U.S. Supreme Court declared that President Franklin
Roosevelt's National Industrial Recovery Act was unconstitutional. 

1937 In California, the Golden Gate Bridge was opened to pedestrian
traffic. The bridge connected San Francisco and Marin County. 

1941 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt proclaimed an "unlimited
national emergency" amid rising world tensions. 

1941 The German battleship Bismarck was sunk by British naval and
air forces. 2,300 people were killed. 

1942 German General Erwin Rommel began a major offensive in Libya
with his Afrika Korps. 

1944 U.S. General MacArthur landed on Biak Island in New Guinea. 

1960 A military coup overthrew the democratic government of Turkey.

1977 George H. Willig was fined for scaling the World Trade Center
in New York on May 26. He was fined $1.10. 

1982 Japan announced the elimination of tariffs on 96 industrial

1985 In Beijing, representatives of Britain and China exchanged
instruments of ratification on the pact returning Hong Kong to the
Chinese in 1997. 

1986 Mel Fisher recovered a jar that contained 2,300 emeralds from
the Spanish ship Atocha. The ship sank in the 17th century. 

1994 Nobel Prize-winning author Alexander Solzhenitsyn returned to
Russia. He had been in exile for two decades. 

1996 Russian President Boris Yeltsin negotiated a cease-fire to the
war in Chechnya in his first meeting with the leader of the rebels.

1997 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the sexual harassment suit
filed by Paula Jones could continue while President Clinton was in

1998 Michael Fortier was sentenced to 12 years in prison for not
warning anyone about the plot to bomb an Oklahoma City federal

1999 In The Hague, Netherlands, a war crimes tribunal indicted
Slobodan Milosevic and four others for atrocities in Kosovo. It was
the first time that a sitting head of state had been charged with
such a crime. 

2018  smiled.

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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, May 26

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida man jailed after he reports 
his illegal gun as stolen
Today, May 26 in
1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms
because of his religious beliefs and writings. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born. --- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch. --- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago," he said. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we ll have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An elderly gentleman in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by James Denson, 61, Lake City, Florida Florida man jailed after he reports his illegal gun as stolen A Lake City man was jailed after he reported that his son had stolen his rifle. The problem? The man, James Denson, is a convicted felon who is not allowed to own a rifle, the Lake City Police said in a press release. The police said that Denson, 61, told them that his son had stolen a .22-caliber rifle from his bedroom. When the son was questioned, he told police that his father was lying and was trying to have him falsely arrested. When Denson was told that he was a convicted felon who was not allowed to own a firearm, he changed his story and said he didn't actually possess the gun, police said. Denson also said that he took possession of the rifle when he discovered kids playing with it. He took the rille from them for their own safety, he told police. Denson is charged with possession of a firearm by a convicted felon.
Tech Support Pits From: Elva Re: Cookies Dear Webby Why are alot of sites insisting that I allow cookies? I am being blocked from sites, even though I paid for access, and others, that are supposedly free, and all I get is rude error messages. I don't want my private information spread by cookies. Is there a way around that? Elva Dear Elva Cookies don't carry private information. They may have, twenty years ago, but nowadays, cookies are a safe way to manage the Internet. For example, if you buy access to a library site, it plants a cookie with your membership number and possibly your chosen member name, and maybe even with the membership number of the person who referred you to the library. When you go to the library, it checks your library cookie, and when it is there, it allows you access to the library and gives a brownie point to the person who referred you. That's all. It's just like a library card. And just like without your library card, you won't get access without your cookie. You would have to dig out your user name and password and log in just like on your first visit. Other cookies, like the ones planted by your bank or telephone company, provide extra security and streamline your access. Instead of having to go through a dozen menus each time you go in there to manage your account or pay bills, the cookie gets you straight to the account that you worked on last. The cookie does not carry your password or any info about what is in your accounts, just the routing information that you need AFTER you have put in your password. Cookies are also used to track referrers. Businesses spend big money to get customers. Let's say, for example, you click on the Breastcancer link, and from there go to the garden cherubs with solar lights. A cookie will tell the garden cherub site that the breast cancer site referred you. For every 1000 referrals they pay the breastcancer site 65 cents or whatever amount they agreed on. Eventually that amounts to the cost of a mammogram. HOWEVER, if you have cookies disabled, then you don't count, and they don't have to pay the breastcancer site. The cookie that the breastcancer site would have planted, would not have had any private information about you. It simply would have told the garden gnome site that "this visitor was referred by the breastcancer site". (By the way, I don't plant cookies and the breastcancer site does not have to pay me. I just carry their ad as a public service.) Most cookies expire and disappear in a while. But while they are carried in your browser, you can read them. You will see that they do not carry any personal information about you. Forget the rumors about cookies spread by some misinformed AOLers twenty years ago, that are still being forwarded. Go ahead and allow cookies. If you use CrapCleaner, take the checkmark off the Cookies. They take very little space and won't slow you down. Have FUN DearWebby
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's having me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him. "Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?" The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Kati for this story: A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Only when he's been drinking." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from eck Labels For Clothing Care Be sure to check clothing labels for recommended care of the garment. The manufacturer is liable by law for accurate care guidelines on the label so, if it is ruined, it will be much easier to get it replaced if you have followed the care recommendations. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Lilly for this story: During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seventeen taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________ Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me." ------------------------ Sounds like Hopkins is one of the Global Warming "scientists". ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ When the spread of the seals and the fishing by foreign fleets made fishing less and less profitable in Newfoundland, Angus and Farley approached the Governemnt with a bid to dig a tunnel to the mainland. They asked for $100,000 each. "Considering equipment and labor costs", the Transport Dept asked them, "how do you propose to do the job for such a pittance?" "It's simple," the Angus replied. "My partner grabs a shovel, goes to the mainland and starts digging. I take another shovel and start digging from here. We dig until we meet -- and you've got a tunnel!" "But what if you never meet?" "Then you've got TWO tunnels for the price of one!" ____________________________________________________

Today, May 26 in
0017 Germanicus of Rome celebrated his victory over the Germans. 

1328 William of Ockham was forced to flee from Avignon by Pope John

1521 Martin Luther was banned by the Edict of Worms because of his
religious beliefs and writings. 

1647 A new law banned Catholic priests from the colony of
Massachusetts. The penalty was banishment or death for a second

1660 King Charles II of England landed at Dover after being exiled
for nine years. 

1670 A treaty was signed in secret in Dover, England, between
Charles II and Louis XIV ending the hostilities between them. 

1691 Jacob Leiser, leader of the popular uprising in support of
William and Mary’s accession to the English throne, was executed
for treason. 

1736 The British and Chickasaw Indians defeated the French at the
Battle of Ackia. 

1791 The French Assembly forced King Louis XVI to hand over the
crown and state assets. 

1805 Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned King of Italy in Milan

1831 Russians defeated the Poles at battle of Ostrolenska. 

1835 A resolution was passed in the U.S. Congress stating that
Congress has no authority over state slavery laws. 

1836 The U.S. House of Representatives adopted what has been called
the Gag Rule. 

1864 The Territory of Montana was organized. 

1865 Arrangements were made in New Orleans for the surrender of
Confederate forces west of the Mississippi. 

1868 U.S. President Andrew Johnson was acquitted, by one vote, of
all charges in his impeachment trial. 

1896 The Dow Jones Industrial Average appeared for the first time
in the "Wall Street Journal." 

1896 The last czar of Russia, Nicholas II, was crowned. 

1908 In Persia, the first oil strike was made in the Middle East. 

1913 Actors’ Equity Association was organized in New York City. 

1926 In Morocco, rebel leader Abd el Krim surrendered. 

1938 The House Committee on Un-American Activities began its work
of searching for subversives in the United States. 

1940 The evacuation of Allied troops from Dunkirk, France, began
during World War II. 

1946 A patent was filed in the United States for an H-bomb. 

1946 British Prime Minister Winston Churchill signed a military
pact with Russian leader Joseph Stalin. Stalin promised a "close
collaboration after the war." 

1956 The first trailer bank opened for business in Locust Grove,
Long Island, NY. The 46-foot-long trailer took in $100,000 in
deposits its first day. 

1959 The word "Frisbee" became a registered trademark of Wham-O. 

1961 A U.S. Air Force bomber flew across the Atlantic in a record
time of just over three hours. 

1969 The Apollo 10 astronauts returned to Earth after a successful
eight-day dress rehearsal for the first manned moon landing. 

1973 Kathy Schmidt set an American women’s javelin record with a
throw of 207 feet, 10 inches. 

1975 American stuntman Evel Knievel suffered severe spinal injuries
in Britain when he crashed while attempting to jump 13 buses in his

1977 George H. Willig was arrested after he scaled the South Tower
of New York's World Trade Center. It took him 3 1/2 hours. 

1978 The first legal casino in the Eastern U.S. opened in Atlantic
City, NJ. 

1987 Sri Lanka launched Operation Liberation. It was an offensive
against the Tamil rebellion in Jaffra. 

1988 The Edmonton Oilers won their fourth NHL Stanley Cup in five
seasons. They swept the series 4 games to 0 against the Boston

1994 U.S. President Clinton renewed trade privileges for China, and
announced that his administration would no longer link China's
trade status with its human rights record. 

1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Ellis Island was mainly in
New Jersey, not New York. 

1998 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police officers in high-
speed chases are liable for bystander injuries only if their
"actions shock the conscience." 

1998 The Grand Princess cruise ship made its inaugural cruise. The
ship measured 109,000 tons and cost approximately $450 million,
making it the largest and most expensive cruise ship ever built by
that date.
2018  smiled.

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Compressing pictures 

Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, May 25
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
3 Connecticut men shot up prayer vigil
Today, May 25 in
585 BC The first known prediction of a solar eclipse 
was made in Greece. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. --- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Two guys are walking through the woods when they come to a pit. The first guy says, "How deep you think this pit is?" The second guy says, "I don't know. Let's throw in a rock and listen for it to hit the bottom." They throw in a rock and listen, but they don't hear anything. The first guy says, "We need to throw in something heavy so when it hits it'll make more noise." So they find a cement block and throw it in and listen, but they still don't hear anything. The first guy says, "We need to find something really heavy, that'll make a real lot of noise when it hits bottom." So they go further into the woods, and come across an old railroad tie. They haul it back to the pit, and throw it in. They still didn't hear anything, but all of a sudden a goat comes running out the woods and leaps into the pit. The first guy says, "Well, if that wasn't the craziest damn goat I ever seen." Just then a farmer comes walking up to them and says, "You fellas seen a goat?" The first guy says, "Yes, sir. A goat just came running up and jumped right into that pit." The farmer says, "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat. I had him tied to a railroad tie." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Falcon 9 blast hitting 10 inches of water on the launch pad _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column. "Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling from?" __________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Michael Newsome, 35, Tyshon Dingle, 34, Dayshim Randolph, 25, Bridgeport, Connecticut Connecticut men shot up prayer vigil Three men shot up a prayer vigil and then led officers on a chase to Stratford Sunday night, police said. Michael Newsome, 35, of Monroe Street, Tyshon Dingle, 34, of Colorado Avenue, and Dayshim Randolph, 25, of Robert Street, were charged were charged with multiple weapons counts and pursuit- related charges. They are all being held in lieu of bond. Police said a young woman was holding a prayer vigil at her Trumbull Avenue home for her recently deceased mother when Newsome, Dingle and Randolph began acting up and were asked to leave. However, police said one of the trio pulled out a semi-automatic handgun and began firing, forcing family members to barricade themselves in a bathroom. There were no injuries. When officers arrived at the scene, police said the three men took off in a Chevrolet sedan at high speed. During the pursuit, police said one of the men threw the handgun with an extended magazine out of the car. It was retrieved by officers. The chase led onto Interstate 95 northbound until police said they were able to pull the car over by Exit 31 in Stratford.
Tech Support Pits From: DJ Re: Compressing pictures Dear Webby hello my friend, is there a way to compress a picture that takes up a whole email page down to about 2"x2" thanks, DJ Dear DJ Compressing does not change the visible size. Compressing keeps the visible size the same, but degrades the picture and throws away color depth pixels and thereby makes the file size smaller. What you need to do is to RESIZE (not compress) the picture size. Open the picture in any graphics or paint program, click on Image, Resize. Then toggle it from pixels to inches, and type in the desired dimensions. That's all there is to it. And save it under a new name, so that you still have the original huge picture. Have FUN DearWebby
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one just as if was your own."
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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $4,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" the customer asked. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder...!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years...." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Testing Your Refrigerator Seal To test the seal of your refrigerator, put a piece of paper on the edge of the rubber gasket and close the door. If the paper can be pulled out easily, the seal may need replacing. Don't get too carried away with that! As long as the paper does not fall, the seal is good enough. If you want to save on the electricity a fridge or freezer uses, clean the condenser grid behind or under the fridge frequently and make sure that there are no dust bunnies impeding air flow. I went a step further and back-set the fridge into the wall. There is no insulation between the fridge and the outside sheating, and a grill allows in fresh outside air into the space under the fridge and exhausts it to the outside through a little chimney above. It always has fresh outside air to cool the condenser grid and except in winter, it pumps the waste heat outside, and not into the kitchen. As you can probably imagine, that saves a very significant amount of electricity. Have FUN! DearWebby Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave. The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?" "No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a caravan yacht?
___________________________________________________ A woman was waiting at an airport one night, With several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops. Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be, Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene. So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye." With each cookie she took, he took one too, When only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half, as he ate the other, She snatched it from him and thought... ooh,brother. This guy has some nerve and he's also rude, Why he didn't even show any gratitude! She had never known when she had been so galled, And sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate. She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, Then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes. If mine are here, she moaned in despair, The others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me". "Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 25 in
585 BC The first known and recorded prediction of a solar eclipse
was made in Greece. 

1085 Alfonso VI took Toledo, Spain from the Moslems. 

1810 Argentina declared independence from Napoleonic Spain. 

1844 The gasoline engine was patented by Stuart Perry. It had been
running fine, just not patenteed in the USA.

1844 The first telegraphed news dispatch, sent from Washington, DC,
to Baltimore, MD, appeared in the Baltimore "Patriot." 

1895 Oscar Wilde, a playwright, poet and novelist, was convicted of
a morals charge and sentenced to prison in London. 

1911 President of Mexico, Porfolio Diaz, resigned his office. 

1925 John Scopes was indicted for teaching the Darwinian theory in

1927 Ford Motor Company announced that the Model A would replace
the Model T. 

1927 The "Movietone News" was shown for the first time at the Sam
Harris Theatre in New York City. 

1935 Babe Ruth hit his final homerun, his 714th, and set a record
that would stand for 39 years. 

1935 Jesse Owens tied the world record for the 100-yard dash. He
ran it in 9.4 seconds. He also broke three other world track

1946 Jordan gained independence from Britain. 

1953 In Nevada, the first atomic cannon was fired. 

1961 America was asked by U.S. President Kennedy to work toward
putting a man on the moon before the end of the decade. 

1963 The Organization of African Unity was founded in Addis Ababa,

1968 The Gateway Arch, part of the Jefferson National Expansion
Memorial in St. Louis, MO, was dedicated. 

1970 Boeing Computer Services was founded. 

1977 "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope" opened and became the
largest grossing film to date. 

1977 An opinion piece by Vietnam verteran Jan Scruggs appeared in
"The Washington Post." The article called for a national memorial
to "remind an ungrateful nation of what it has done to its sons"
that had served in the Vietnam War. 

1979 An American Airlines DC-10 crashed during takeoff at Chicago's
O'Hare International Airport. 275 people were killed.

1981 Daredevil Daniel Goodwin scaled Chicago's Sears Tower, while
wearing a "Spiderman" costume, in 7 1/2 hours. 

1983 "The Return of the Jedi" opened nationwide. It set a new
record in opening day box office sales. The gross was $6,219,629. 

1985 Bangladesh was hit with a hurricane and tidal wave that killed
more than 11,000 people. 

1986 Approximately 7 million Americans participated in "Hands
Across America." 

1989 The Calgary Flames won their first NHL Stanley Cup by
defeating the Montreal Canadiens. 

1992 Jay Leno debuted as the new permanent host of NBC's "Tonight

1996 In Nimes, France, Christina Sanchez became the first woman to
achieve the rank of matadore in Europe. 

1997 In Sierra Leone a military coup overthrew the popularly
elected President Ahmad Tejan Kabbah. He was replaced with Major
Johnny Paul Koromah. 

1997 U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond became the longest-serving senator
in U.S. history (41 years and 10 months). 

1997 Poland adopted a constitution that removed all traces of

1999 A report by the U.S. House of Representatives Select Committee
on U.S. National Security and Military/Commercial Concerns with the
People's Republic of China concluded that China had "stolen design
information on the U.S. most-advanced thermonuclear weapons" and
that China's penetration of U.S. weapons laboratories "spans at
least the past several decades and almost certainly continues

2000 The Walt Disney Co. and Time Warner Inc. signed a long-term
deal that ended a dispute over the airing policies of Time Warner.
Time Warner had blacked out Disney programs for a 39 hour period
the previous month due to the lack of an agreement. 

2001 Erik Weihenmayer, 32, of Golden, CO, became the first blind
climber to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

2001 Sherman Bull, 64, of New Canaan, CT, became the oldest climber
to reach the summit of Mount Everest. 

2006 In Houston, former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey
Skillinng were convicted of conspiracy and fraud for the downfall
of Enron. 

2008 NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander landed in the arctic plains of

2009 North Korea announced that it had conducted a second
successful nuclear test in the province of North Hamgyong. The
United Nations Security Council condemned the reported test. 

2018  smiled.

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How many hard drive can you use? 

Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, May 24

Thanks Betty!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman arrested after bragging on police 
Facebook page about ‘getting away’
Today, May 24 in
1844 Samuel F.B. Morse formally opened America's first telegraph
line. The first message was sent from Washington, DC, to Baltimore,
MD. The message was "What hath God wrought?" 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. --- Katharine Whitehorn The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A sixth grade teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time until Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will tell the principal and you will get fired!" The teacher ignored her and asked again, "Which part of the body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally, Geoffrey stood up and said that the part of the body that increases 10 times its size when stimulated Is the pupil of the eye. "Very good." The teacher said, then turned to Mary and said, "As for you young lady, I have 3 things to say: #1 you have a dirty mind, #2 you didn't read your homework, and #3 one day you will be very disappointed!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Thans to Dianne for this story: The other day, my wife and I were discussing clothes for awhile, and then she said she was going to visit the local Super-Store. Did I want anything from there while she was shopping there. I replied, "Yes, honey... I could use a new G-string." She looked at me kinda oddly, and went to the store. When she got back, she presented me with a g-string made for women to wear (who dance at bars) to avoid 100% exposure. "Here," she said, "I hope this is what you are looking for!" I replied to her, "Yeah, baby -- that is JUST what I needed! Now, show me how to put it on my guitar and tune it!" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kayla Irizzary, 19, Moses Lake, Washington Woman arrested after bragging on police Facebook page about ‘getting away’ A Moses Lake woman who was released by officers and then later bragged on their Facebook page about “getting away” is back behind bars. Kayla Irizzary was arrested about 2:30 a.m. on Saturday. Moses Lake police said the 19-year-old was a passenger in a car that officers pulled over last week. The driver, Giovanni Powell, 27, was arrested for driving with a suspended license, but officers had no legal reason to detain Irizzary so she was able to leave the scene. While searching the vehicle, however, detectives found a purse containing Irizzary’s ID, a small pistol, heroin and her paperwork from the last time she was released from jail. Irizzary is a convicted felon and ineligible to possess a firearm. According to police, Irizzary then got on the police department’s Facebook page and bragged about getting away, “which we believe is the number one killer of criminal karma that there is,” the department said. After setting up a meeting with Irizzary, using social media, officers were able to arrest her Saturday after a brief foot chase. Irizzary was booked into the Grant County Jail on charges of unlawful possession of a firearm and possession of heroin. Both charges were from the original incident. “What social media giveth, social media taketh away: Woman who trolled MLPD back in custody,” police posted on Facebook.
Tech Support Pits From: Marylin Re: How many hard drives Dear Webby I have two hard drives in my machine, the one it came with, as the master, and the drive from the last machine as a slave. Is there a way to add more drives? Thanks Marylin Dear Marylin Dear Marylin If you don't need the CD and DVD or CD and CD Burner drives, you can plug those cables into two more hard drives. If you need more than that, you have to get a USB remote hard drive enclosures and stick additional drives into those. USB hard drive enclosures are $12 - $15. Check pricegraber for a local supplier or your favorite on-line stores. Have FUN DearWebby
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today ?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir...!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Now then," said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?" Replied the spokesman, "French Toast."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Mrs. Goldman, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, "A good lawyer!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Freeze Ripe Bananas Mash and freeze ripe bananas in one cup portions for later use in bread and other baking. No more wasted bananas! They can also be frozen whole, wrapped in plastic. Just let them defrost before mixing them into your favorite recipe. By Nancy Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Abe bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for he birthday. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," Abe replied. "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"
Who knew Dr. Seuss wrote a naughty book before he wrote the famous children's books?
___________________________________________________ Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Kim for this story: I'd had a pretty hectic day with my three-year-old. When bedtime finally came, I laid down the law: "We're getting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!" Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and I heard her say, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have moms and dads." Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 24 in

1610 Sir Thomas Gates institutes "laws divine moral and marshal," a
harsh civil code for Jamestown. 

1624 After years of unprofitable operation Virginia’s charter was
revoked and it became a royal colony. 

1689 The English Parliament passed Act of Toleration, protecting
Protestants. Roman Catholics were specifically excluded from

1738 The Methodist Church was established. 

1764 Bostonian lawyer James Otis denounced "taxation without
representation" and called for the colonies to unite in
demonstrating their opposition to Britain’s new tax measures. 

1798 Believing that a French invasion of Ireland was imminent,
Irish nationalists rose up against the British occupation. The
French did not show up.

1822 At the Battle of Pichincha, Bolivar secured independence of
the Quito. 

1830 The first passenger railroad service in the U.S. began

1844 Samuel F.B. Morse formally opened America's first telegraph
line. The first message was sent from Washington, DC, to Baltimore,
MD. The message was "What hath God wrought?" 

1863 Bushwackers led by Captain William Marchbanks attacked a U.S.
Federal militia party in Nevada, Missouri. 

1878 The first American bicycle race was held in Boston. 

1881 About 200 people died when the Canadian ferry Princess
Victoria sank near London, Ontario. 

1883 After 14 years of construction the Brooklyn Bridge was opened
to traffic. 

1899 The first public garage was opened by W.T. McCullough. 

1913 The U.S. Department of Labor entered into its first strike
mediation. The dispute was between the Railroad Clerks of the New
York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad. 

1930 Amy Johnson became the first woman to fly from England to

1931 B&O Railroad began service with the first passenger train to
have air conditioning throughout. The run was between New York City
and Washington, DC. 

1941 The HMS Hood was sunk by the German battleship Bismarck in the
North Atlantic. Only three people survived. 

1954 The first moving sidewalk in a railroad station was opened in
Jersey City, NJ. 

1961 The Freedom Riders were arrested in Jackson, Mississippi. 

1967 California Governor Ronald Reagan greeted Charles M. Schulz at
the state capitol in observance of the legislature-proclaimed
"Charles Schulz Day." 

1976 Britain and France opened trans-Atlantic Concorde service to

1980 The International Court of Justice issued a final decision
calling for the release of the hostages taken at the U.S. embassy
in Tehran on November 4, 1979. 

1983 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the federal government had
the right to deny tax breaks to schools that racially discriminate.

1986 Montreal won its 23rd National Hockey League (NHL) Stanley Cup

1990 The Edmonton Oilers won their fifth National Hockey League
(NHL) Stanley Cup. 

1993 Roman Catholic Cardinal Juan Jesus Posada Ocampo and six other
people were killed at the Guadalajara, Mexico, airport in a
shootout that involved drug gangs. 

1993 The Ethiopian province of Eritrea declared itself an
independent nation. 

1994 The four men convicted of bombing the New York's World Trade
Center were each sentenced to 240 years in prison. 

1999 39 miners were killed in an underground gas explosion in

2000 Five people were killed and two others wounded when two gunmen
entered a Wendy's restaurant in Flushing, Queens, New York. The
gunmen tied up the victims in the basement and then shot them. 

2000 The U.S. House of Representatives approved permanent normal
trade relations with China. China was not happy about some of the
human rights conditions that had been attached by the U.S.

2000 A Democratic Party event for Al Gore in Washington brought in
$26.5 million. The amount set a new record, which had just been set
the previous month by Republicans for Texas Gov. George W. Bush. 

2001 Temba Tsheri, 15, became the youngest person to reach the
summit of Mount Everest. 

2011 NASA announced the development of the Orion Multi-Purpose Crew
Vehicle (MPCV) spacecraft. It is intended to facilitate exploration
of the Moon, asteroids and Mars. 

2018  smiled.

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Mammogram Site 

Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, May 23

My Saskatoon berry bushes are in full bloom. Bees love it!
If the hail does not get them, I should have a great harvest again.
This afternoon I will dig out the freezer and make sure there are
no berry cups hiding on the bottom.

My Saskatoon nerry bushes
Click through for the large picture

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Largo couple stole motorized shopping cart 
from Walmart, drove to bar.
Today, May 23 in
1934 In Bienville Parish, LA, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were
ambushed and killed by Texas Rangers. The bank robbers were riding
in a stolen Ford Deluxe. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question. --- Albert Camus (1913 - 1960) "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." --- Elbert Hubbard ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?" Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jeffrey Robert Sabiel, 50, and Santa Marie Walters, 32, Largo, Florida Largo couple stole motorized shopping cart from Walmart, drove to bar A joyride in a motorized shopping cart landed a Largo couple behind bars on Thursday. Security cameras were rolling when Jeffrey Robert Sabiel, 50, and Santa Marie Walters, 32, stole a motorized shopping cart from a Walmart located on Missouri Ave. in Largo, according to an affidavit. The couple was seen driving off the property and heading west on Rosery Road. News Channel 8 has not obtained the video in question. Shortly after the theft was reported, the cart was spotted outside Jimmy's Sports Bar in Largo and an officer found the couple at the bar. After denying the theft, the couple admitted to taking the cart and was arrested on charges of grand theft. They were both booked into the Pinellas County Jail.
Tech Support Pits From: Connie R Re: Mammogram Site Webby, is it possible to add this web site address to your humor newsletter. I feed the dogs each day, and I think being able to click onto this web url to give a free mammogram to an underpriviledged woman would be another good thing to do. Connie R The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors /advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Connie Dear Connie Please get a normal, healthy male of ANY age to read the Humor Letter, and watch where he clicks. I am happy to say that many female subscribers ALSO let their mouse pounce onto the breast cancer site ad. Personally, I doubt very much that any other newsletter this side of Venus has a more effective ad for the breast cancer site, or has run ads for it for as many years as I have. (18) So, don't be shy! Click on the cuties in the right margin! It does not cost you anything. I am providing space for them for free. Have FUN DearWebby
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con- ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Photo Album For Recipes Recipes that you clip from magazines and newspapers can be placed in an inexpensive photo album. If you prepare a recipe that your family doesn't enjoy, lift the plastic page and discard. Now you have room for another! By Maureen Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ When my sugar daddy dies," confided Jeni to Debi, "I inherit the lot... it's in his last will and testicles." "You mean testament," chuckled Debi. "No, testicles..." said Jeni, "I've got him by the balls."
The Forgotten Ruins of Mrauk U
___________________________________________________ A man started to snore in his seat at the church. "Please stop your snoring," the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others..." "Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "This is my seat and I'll do whatever I want!" "Yes, sir," replied the usher. "But please be considerate... you are keeping everybody else awake!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 23 in
1430 Joan of Arc was captured by Burgundians. She was then sold to
the English. 

1533 Henry VIII’s marriage to Catherine of Aragon was declared null
and void. 

1618 The Thirty Years War began when three opponents of the
Reformation were thrown through a window. 

1701 In London, Captain William Kidd was hanged after being
convicted of murder and piracy. 

1785 Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter that he had invented

1827 The first nursery school in the U.S. was established in New
York City. 

1873 Canada's North West Mounted Police force was established. The
organization's name was changed to Royal Canadian Mounted Police in

1879 The first U.S. veterinary school was established by Iowa State

1900 Civil War hero Sgt. William H. Carney became the first African
American to receive the Medal of Honor, 37 years after the Battle
of Fort Wagner. 

1901 American forces captured Filipino rebel leader Emilio

1908 Part of the Great White Fleet arrived in Puget Sound, WA. 

1915 During World War I, Italy switched and joined the Allies as
they appeared to be winning. 

1926 The French captured the Moroccan Rif capital. 

1934 In Bienville Parish, LA, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were
ambushed and killed by Texas Rangers. The bank robbers were riding
in a stolen Ford Deluxe. 

1938 "LIFE" magazine’s cover pictured Errol Flynn as a glamour boy.

1945 In Luneburg Germany, Heinrich Himmler, the head of the Nazi
Gestapo, committed suicide while imprisoned by the Allied forces. 

1949 The Republic of West Germany was established. 

1960 Israel announced the capture of Nazi Adolf Eichmann in

1981 In Barcelona, Spain, gunmen seized control of the Central Bank
and took 200 hostages. 

1985 Thomas Patrick Cavanagh was sentenced to life in prison for
trying to sell Stealth bomber secrets to the Soviet Union. 

1995 The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was

1998 British Protestants and Irish Catholics of Northern Ireland
approved a peace accord. 

1999 In Kansas City, MO, Owen Hart (Blue Blazer) died when he fell
90 feet while being lowered into a WWF wrestling ring. He was 33
years old. 

1999 Gerry Bloch, at age 81, became the oldest climber to scale El
Capitan in Yosemite National Park. He broke his own record that he
set in 1986 when he was 68 years old. 

2013 Google acquired Makani Power for use for its Project Wing. 

2018  smiled.

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Missing mouse 

Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 22

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Conman, with more than FIFTY false 
identities is jailed for posing as a 
pilot to rip off unsuspecting Australians
Today, May 22 in
1819 The steamship Savannah became the first to cross the 
Atlantic Ocean. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. --- Jimmy Demaret ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?" "Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire of the flu before he was broke!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ The Italians have followed the ages old tradition of naming their boats with a three-letter prefix. For example: USA uses USS which means "United States Ship." The British uses HMS which means "Her Majesty's Ship." and now...Italy is using AMB which means "At's-a My Boat!" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Gloria Burton, Cape Coral, Florida Conman, with more than FIFTY false identities is jailed for posing as a pilot to rip off unsuspecting Australians Barry John Faulkner, 68, Brisbane, Australia
A seasoned conman has been jailed again for posing as a pilot to rip off unsuspecting Australian travellers. Barry John Faulkner is back in jail for attempting to exploit Queenslanders by acting as a commercial pilot. Known as the 'catch me if you can' conman, Faulkner has been in and out of prison his whole life with more than 80 convictions. The 68-year-old fronted Brisbane Magistrates Court on April 13 on multiple counts of fraud. He was ordered to repay his victims $6430 and was sentenced to six months behind bars. Faulkner had more than 50 false identities and has notched up over 80 convictions. His aliases ranged from a doctor, army officer, American millionaire, Olympic official and CIA agent. Tech Support Pits From: Rheta Re: Missing Mouse Dear Webby Good after noon to you. My question is a lost mouse. On my grand sons computer. Its a XP PC.I can't find it... help please. Rheta Hi there: And thanks for the reply. He has tried different mouse. But still nothing. Some one was telling me that theres keys that you can use instead of a mouse. Have any clues on that one?? Rheta Dear Rheta There are some keys you can use: Hit the Scroll Lock key a few times, to make sure it is turned off. If the mouse starts working after that, you got the problem solved. Arrow keys and combinations of SHIFT and CTRL plus the arrows, Tab, ALT-Tab to jump between Windows, but that's about it, and even those commands sometimes act differently in different programs. I use a lot of keyboard shortcuts, but they are not a complete substitute for a mouse. If you hit the Windows button, you can use the arrow keys to get into the control panel and to the mouse, and make sure it is not disabled. If everything looks OK in there, tell him to try a new mouse, not one that has been put on the shelf because it was too cute to throw away, even though it had become flakey. If the mouse settings are OK and a brand new mouse doesn't work either, then he will have to get the hardware checked. Have FUN DearWebby
You might be a Redneck if Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausages in her purse. You go fishing with a generator and copper wire. The only time you were ever in the dry cleaners was to get out of the rain. You voted for more than one presidential candidate in the same election, more than once. People are scared to touch your bathrobe. Your stove is your cigarette lighter. You've never paid for a haircut. You wear your blaze-orange insulated suit to Sunday school. You have more cars on blocks than on wheels. The most fun you've ever had involved water balloons and a Ferris wheel. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. Your favorite stripper accepts food stamps. Your TV gets 512 channels but you go outside the trailer to use the bathroom. You can pick objects off the floor with your toes. Your son is named for your favorite pro wrestler. Your daughter mistakenly thought you'd attend her wedding on opening day of the deer season. You and your dog are on the same medication. Your car burns more oil than gas. The last thing your ex-wife said to you was, "If y'all go hunting again, I'm leaving!" You begin most sentences with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this!" Your deer lease costs more than your house. You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession. Your brother had to cosign to get your deer mounted. Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off. You know your daddy's C.B. handle but not his real name. The school principal has your number on speed dial. Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods. You think fax is the opposite of fiction. Your monitor is sitting on a cinder block.
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband rahht NOW!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
>From Roland For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep or too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason that I am always tired. I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. 14,800,000 people work for State and City Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Given that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons, that leaves just two people to do the work, you and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes! ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Cooking Oil Bottle Cover Make use of an unmatched sock by cutting off the ribbed elastic part and slipping it over the neck of a bottle of cooking oil. The sock absorbs any oil that drips down the side of the bottle. You can decorate a white sock or pick a fancy sock to match your decor. By Michelle Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?" The young man replied, "Two hundred dollars a week." The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off ten $20 bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay--now get out and don't come back!" Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left. The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement. "Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?" "He doesn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Pizza guy waiting for George to find two more dollars for his lunch order."
New York City in 1993
___________________________________________________ Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. Hewalked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man. He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be messing with my wife?" The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?" "Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence. "Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?" "Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts." "And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on. "Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week." "And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest. "Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 22 in
1246 Henry Raspe was elected anti-king by the Rhenish prelates in

1455 King Henry VI was taken prisoner by the Yorkists at the Battle
of St. Albans, during the War of the Roses. 

1570 Abraham Ortelius published the first modern atlas in Belgium. 

1761 In Philadelphia, the first life insurance policy was issued in
the U.S. 

1819 The steamship Savannah became the first to cross the Atlantic

1841 Henry Kennedy received a patent for the first reclining chair.

1868 Near Marshfield, IN, The "Great Train Robbery" took place. The
robbery was worth $96,000 in cash, gold and bonds to the seven
members of the Reno gang. 

1872 The Amnesty Act restored civil rights to Southerners. 

1882 The U.S. formally recognized Korea. 

1891 The first public motion picture was given in Thomas Edison's

1892 Dr. Washington Sheffield invented the lead toothpaste tube. 

1900 The Associated Press was incorporated as a non-profit news
cooperative in New York. 

1900 A. DeVilbiss, Jr. patented his pendulum-type computing scale. 

1900 Edwin S. Votey received a patent for the pianola (a pneumatic
piano player). It could be attached to any piano. 

1906 The Wright brothers received a patent their flying machine. 

1939 Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini signed a military alliance
between Germany and Italy known as the "Pact of Steel." 

1947 The Truman Doctrine was enacted by the U.S. Congress to
appropriate military and economic aid to Turkey and Greece. 

1955 A scheduled dance to be headlined by Fats Domino was canceled
by police in Bridgeport, Connecticut because "rock and roll dances
might be featured." 

1955 Jack Benny did his last live network radio broadcast after a
run of 23 years. He devoted his time fully to TV. 

1967 "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" premiered on PBS. 

1969 A lunar module of Apollo 10 flew within nine miles of the
moon's surface. The event was a rehearsal for the first lunar

1972 U.S. President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit
Russia. He met with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. 

1972 The island Ceylon adopted a new constitution and became the
republic of Sri Lanka. 

1977 Janet Guthrie set the fastest time of the second weekend of
qualifying, becoming the first woman to earn a starting spot in the
Indianapolis 500 since its inception in 1911. 

1986 Sylvester Stallone agreed to a 10-picture, six-year deal with
United Artists. He signed for a reported $15 million for each film.

1990 In the Middle East, North and South Yemen merged to become a
single state known as the Republic of Yemen. 

1990 Microsoft released Windows 3.0. 

1997 Kelly Flinn, the U.S. Air Force's first female bomber pilot
certified for combat, accepted a general discharge. She thereby
avoided court-martial on charges of adultery, lying and disobeying
an order. 

1998 Bolivia was hit with a series of powerful earthquakes. At
least 18 were killed. The quakes ranged in magnitude from 5.9 to

1998 New information came to light about the June 1996 bombing that
killed 19 American airmen. The information indicated that Saudi
citizens had been responsible and not Iranians as once believed. 

1998 A federal judge said that Secret Service agents could be
compelled to testify before a grand jury in Monica Lewinsky
investigation concerning U.S. President Clinton. 

1998 Voters in Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland turned
out to cast ballots giving approval to a Northern Ireland peace

2002 Chandra Levy's remains were found in Washington, DC's Rock
Creek Park. She was last seen on April 30, 2001. California
Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his
relationship with Levy. 

2002 In Birmingham, AL, a jury convicted former Ku Klux Klansman
Bobby Frank Cherry of murder in the 1963 church bombing that killed
four girls. 

2012 In Japan, the Tokyo Skytree tower opened. 

2018  smiled.

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NASA and Space 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 21

Stat holiday here in Canada, first Monday after my birthday.
Maybe they are afraid otherwise I would forget it?

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Cape Coral woman arrested for trying to 
set gas station on fire
Today, May 21 in
1927 Charles A. Lindberg completed the first solo nonstop airplane
flight across the Atlantic Ocean. The trip began May 20. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. --- Oscar Wilde ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Trisha is five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her sister accompanied her to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for her height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her sister leaned over to her. "Trisha," she gently chided, "This is not the Internet." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ No dust here! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket aisles shouting frantically, "Marian, Marian!" Finally reunited with his mother, he was chided by her, "You shouldn't call me 'Marian.' I'm your mother, you know." "I know," said the child, "but the store is full of mothers." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Gloria Burton, Cape Coral, Florida Cape Coral woman arrested for trying to set gas station on fire The state fire marshal arrested a Cape Coral woman this week for trying to burn down a Circle K gas station. Authorities said Gloria Burton's unknown male accomplice is still on the loose. Investigators said surveillance video from the store clearly shows Burton and an unknown man working together to pour gasoline all over one of the pumps, then light it on fire and drive away. A few hours after Burton left the gas station, the state fire marshal arrested her at Duffy’s bar, where she was working as a bartender. Witnesses to the fire said she was wearing her uniform when she carried out the crime. Surveillance tapes show Burton, wearing her Duffy's uniform, purchasing $12 of gas at 2 a.m. Thursday, before walking outside, pouring the gas onto the ground near the pump and setting it ablaze. Witnesses said Burton “seemed hyper” while purchasing gas. Investigators found Burton when a Duffy’s general manager identified her in pictures from the surveillance tapes. Detectives arrested Burton when she arrived for a shift at Duffy’s. Burton is charged with felony arson and the state fire marshal is still looking for the man that was with her. Duffy’s Bar and Grille was unreachable for comment about the status of Burton’s current employment status with them.
Tech Support Pits From: Calvin P. Re: NASA / Space news Dear Webby I need some high tech content for my web site and my newsletters. Do you know where I can get the NASA and SpaceX news? Calvin P Dear Calvin Just go to You can even subscribe to their newsletter. You might get overloaded with info, if you do that, but you can always UNsubscribe. Have FUN DearWebby
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, " What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she said, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being - a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Sure I can help you choose which puppy to buy!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Use a Steam Iron to Remove Stickers How many of you moms out there have spent entirely too much time trying to remove stickers that have been stuck on every surface in the entire house by your ornery toddler? Hold onto your bonnets, ladies! You ready? Use the steam from your iron to remove any type of sticky sticker off any surface! Fill your iron chuck full of water and turn the heat and steam on High. Let it get good and hot, then hold your iron upright or over your sticker nightmare and start pressing that steam button as fast as you can. In seconds, the entire sticker can be lifted off with absolutely NO residue left on the surface. May all of you sticker-removing mommies sleep better tonight knowing that at least one toddler mess can be cleaned up with ease. By April from Albany, GA Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university. "Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."
How Bermuda’s Chronic Water Shortage Shaped The Islands’ Iconic White Roof
___________________________________________________ Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.” “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.” “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I walk into a room or open a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’” ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 21 in
0996 Sixteen year old Otto III was crowned the Roman Emperor. 

1471 King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. Edward IV
took the throne. 

1536 The Reformation was officially adopted in Geneva, Switzerland.

1542 Hernando de Soto died along the Mississippi River while
searching for gold. 

1602 Martha's Vineyard was first sighted by Captain Bartholomew

1790 Paris was divided into 48 zones. 

1819 Bicycles were first seen in the U.S. in New York City. They
were originally known as "swift walkers." 

1832 In the U.S., the Democratic Party held its first national

1840 New Zealand was declared a British colony. 

1856 Lawrence, Kansas was captured by pro-slavery forces. 

1863 The siege of the Confederate Port Hudson, LA, began. 

1891 Peter Jackson and Jim Corbett fought for 61 rounds only to end
in a draw. 

1904 Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) was
founded. (That is real Football, called Soccer in America.)

1906 Louis H. Perlman received his patent for the demountable tire-
carrying rim. 

1922 The cartoon, "On the Road to Moscow," by Rollin Kirby won a
Pulitzer Prize. It was the first cartoon awarded the Pulitzer. 

1924 Fourteen-year-old Bobby Franks was murdered in a "thrill
killing" committed by Nathan Leopold Jr. and Richard Loeb. The
killers were students at the University of Chicago. 

1927 Charles A. Lindberg completed the first solo nonstop airplane
flight across the Atlantic Ocean. The trip began May 20. 

1929 The first automatic electric stock quotation board was used by
Sutro and Company of New York City. 

1934 Oskaloosa, IA, became the first city in the U.S. to
fingerprint all of its citizens. 

1947 Joe DiMaggio and five of his New York Yankee teammates were
fined $100 because they had not fulfilled contract requirements to
do promotional duties for the team. 

1956 The U.S. exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb in the
Pacific Ocean over Bikini Atoll. 

1961 Governor Patterson declared martial law in Montgomery, AL. 

1968 The nuclear-powered U.S. submarine Scorpion, with 99 men
aboard, was last heard from. The remains of the sub were later
found on the ocean floor 400 miles southwest of the Azores. 

1970 The National Guard was mobilized to quell disturbances at Ohio
State University. 

1980 The movie "The Empire Strikes Back" was released. 

1982 The British landed in the Falkland Islands and fighting began.

1991 In Madras, India, the former prime minister, Rajiv Gandhi was
killed by a bouquet of flowers that contained a bomb. 

1998 An expelled student, Kipland Kinkel, in Springfield, OR,
killed 2 people and wounded 25 others with a semi-automatic rifle.
Police also discovered that the boy had killed his parents before
the rampage. 

1998 Microsoft and Sega announced that they are collaborating on a
home video game system. 

1998 In Miami, FL, five abortion clinics were hit by an butyric

2018  smiled.

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What does CrapCleaner delete? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 17

By the time you read this, I will be on the way to Calgary
for injections into my eyeballs.
That means tomorrow and Saturday and Sunday no newsletters 
will be sent out and you get to sleep in.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Dopey Heroin user charged with 4th DUI
and released on cheap bail
Today, May 17 in
1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. --- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914) Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. --- Dave Barry (1947 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ At the local gas utility written orders are issued to change meters when they are old or malfunctioning. On the order sheet is a "remarks" section, where the service representative notes any problems that prevented the job from being completed. The most succinct explanation to ever come back was: "DOG DOES NOT WANT METER TO BE CHANGED." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Reece Hanson, 24, West Allis, Wisconsin Dopey Heroin user charged with 4th DUI and released on cheap bail What looked and sounded like a routine traffic stop on March 30 changed gears when the suspect in a black Porsche took off, reaching speeds of up to 100 miles-per-hour. Reece Hanson, who would later be arrested, was behind the wheel, prosecutors say. Stop sticks slowed the vehicle down to around 40 miles-per-hour, and then 20 mph. The driver and passenger jumped out, and police chased them. Police detained the female passenger, who was cited. Police said the driver stumbled down a hill before he was tackled and pepper spray was used. Judging by the mug shot, they wiped the gound with his face. The passenger, who has not been charged, admitted to police that she and Hanson were "avid heroin users," and they were "under the influence of heroin." Hanson, 24, is facing four charges: Vehicle operator flee/elude officer Second degree recklessly endangering safety OWI, fourth offense Operating while revoked (revocation due to alcohol/controlled substance/refusal) He was charged with eluding an officer just one day before this incident in West Allis. Online court records show he has two other open cases in addition to the most recent one. The fleeing/eluding charge was filed in March, and last November, he was charged with obstructing an officer- a misdemeanor. He made his initial appearance in court in the most recent case on April 5. Cash bond was set at a record low of $15,000, probably hoping he will make it a 5th DUI by his court date on June 4 for a status conference.
Tech Support Pits From: Bonnie Re: Crap Cleaner Dear Webby I recently installed Crap Cleaner and went in to open it. When I clicked on "Run Cleaner" I got the message "This process will permanently delete files from your system". Can you tell me what files will be deleted? I don't want to delete something important. Thank you again in advance for your help. Bonnie Dear Bonnie Hit Analyze first. Then it will show you the stuff that it considers to be crap. When you hit Run, it will delete all the crap that it lists and shows you in the right hand pane, after you have let it analyze the system. Don't worry, it's not going to delete Windows or the keyboard or anything worth keeping. Have FUN DearWebby
Subject: How The Internet Began..... (This is not Al Gore's version) In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up. However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'" "It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Bob was faced with a difficult decision recently and asked some of his friends what he should do. This is what he got: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. A silent man is a wise one. A man without words is a man without thoughts. Look before you leap. He who hesitates is lost. Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Clothes make the man. Don't judge a book by its cover. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. The nail that sticks out gets hammered. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. Don't judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Finally he asked me: "Now what do I do?" ==Continued tomorrow== Just kidding I told him that if it didn't kill him, it would make him stronger. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Preheat Your Oven Always preheat your oven before baking. Oven temperature is very important for successful baking. Purchase an oven thermometer to verify the temperature in your oven is accurate. Tip: If pans are too close together, you won't get proper heat circulation which could cause uneven baking. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular. After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means! It means 'The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.'" The father could barely control his rage. He seized his son by the shoulders and screamed, "Morris, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. Forget the Trinity business. There is only one God... and we don't believe in him!"
The Postal Stones of Madagascar
___________________________________________________ A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Workplace euphemisms A term used by a member who works in the tech department: PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer I don't think she's plugged in. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. She's as useful as a screen door on a submarine. He has delusions of adequacy. The cheese slid off his cracker years ago. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 17 in
1540 Afghan chief Sher Khan defeated Mongul Emperor Humayun at

1630 Italian Jesuit Niccolo Zucchi saw the belts on Jupiter's

1681 Louis XIV sent an expedition to aid James II in Ireland. As a
result, England declared war on France. 

1756 Britain declared war on France, beginning the French and
Indian War. 

1792 The New York Stock Exchange was founded at 70 Wall Street by
24 brokers. 

1814 Denmark ceded Norway to Sweden. Norway's constitution, which
provided a limited monarchy, was signed. 

1875 The first Kentucky Derby was run at Louisville, KY. 

1877 The first telephone switchboard burglar alarm was installed by
Edwin T. Holmes. 

1881 Frederick Douglass was appointed recorder of deeds for
Washington, DC. 

1926 The U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires was damaged by bombs that
were believed set by sympathizers of Sacco and Vanzetti. 

1932 The U.S. Congress changed the name "Porto Rico" to "Puerto

1939 The first fashion to be shown on television was broadcast in
New York from the Ritz-Carleton Hotel. 

1940 Germany occupied Brussels, Belgium and began the invasion of

1946 U.S. President Truman seized control of the nation's
railroads, delaying a threatened strike by engineers and trainmen. 

1948 The Soviet Union recognized the new state of Israel. 

1954 The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously ruled for school
integration in Brown vs. Board of Education of Topeka. The ruling
declared that racially segregated schools were inherently unequal. 

1956 The first synthetic mica (synthamica) was offered for sale in
Caldwell Township, NJ. 

1973 The U.S. Senate Watergate Committee began its hearings. 

1975 NBC TV bought the rights to show "Gone With the Wind." The one
time rights cost NBC $5,000,000. 

1980 Rioting erupted in Miami's Liberty City neighborhood after an
all-white jury in Tampa acquitted four former Miami police officers
of fatally beating black insurance executive Arthur McDuffie.
people were killed in the rioting. 

1985 Bobby Ewing died on the season finale of "Dallas" on CBS-TV.
He returned the following season. 

1987 Eric ‘Sleepy’ Floyd of the Golden State Warriors set a playoff
record for points in a single quarter with 29. 

1987 An Iraqi warplane attacked the U.S. Navy frigate Stark in the
Persian Gulf, killing 37 American sailors. Iraq and the United
States called the attack a mistake. 

1990 Kelsey Grammer was sentenced to 30 days in jail for DWI. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton signed a measure requiring neighborhood
notification when sex offenders move in. Megan's Law was named for
7-year-old Megan Kanka, who was raped and killed in 1994. 

1997 Rebel leader Kabila declared himself president of the
Democratic Republic of the Congo, formerly Zaire. 

1997 Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin were married in London.

1999 Eric Ford, a tabloid photographer, was sentenced to 6 months
at a halfway house, 3 years probation and 150 hours of community
service. The sentence stemmed from a charge that Ford had
eavesdropped on a call between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and
then sold a recording of the conversation. 

2000 Thomas E. Blanton Jr. and David Luker surrendered to police in
Birmingham, AL. The two former Ku Klux Klan members were arrested
on charges from the bombing of a church in 1963 that killed four
young black girls. 

2000 Austria, the U.S. and six other countries agreed on the broad
outline of a plan that would compensate Nazi-Era forced labor. 

2000 It was announced that Terra Networks SA and Lycos would be
merging with the new name to be Terra Lycos. Terra made the deal
happen with the purchase of $12.5 billion in stock. 

2001 The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp based on Charles M.
Schulz's "Peanuts" comic strip. 

2002 Legoland Deutschland opened in Günzburg, Germany. 

2006 The U.S. aircraft carrier Oriskany was sunk about 24 miles off
Pensacola Beach. It was the first vessel sunk under a Navy program
to dispose of old warships by turning them into diving
It was the largest man-made reef at the time of the sinking. 

2007 Trains crossed the border dividing North and South Korea for
the first time since 1953. 

2018  smiled.

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Daylight Saving Time Problem 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 16

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Girl, 2, screamed in agony after she and mother 
were stabbed by her father with a steak knife
Today, May 16 in
2000 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was nominated to run
for U.S. Senator in New York. The senator for that riding had been
ordered to resign by the Democratic Party to give the 100% safe
riding to Hillary in exchange for not making a big fuss about
Monica. That got her the very lucrative lifetime senator's pension
and deluxe health care.

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The outcome of any serious research can only be to make two questions grow where only one grew before. ---Thorstein Veblen (1857 - 1929) Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ When a coworker received a phone call from her daughter, we heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!" After she had hung up, I asked, "Boy or girl?" "Neither," my colleague replied. "Diet." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.' _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ "Information. Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild." "I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!" "That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by TheodisColeman, 37, Jonesboro, Ak. Girl, 2, screamed in agony after she and mother were stabbed by her father with a steak knife Harrowing police bodycam footage shows a two year old girl screaming in agony after being stabbed in the arm by her father with a steak knife. The youngster, who has not been named, was sliced through the arm by Theodis Coleman, 37, after police arrived to deal with a domestic dispute at his home in Jonesboro, Ak., last month. Footage released by Jonesboro PD begins with Coleman arguing with his partner over custody of the children, saying ‘You didn’t have to call no police.’ Moments later he lunges at the woman with the knife, slicing both her and the little girl through the arm. That prompts an immediate response from the cops, who order Coleman to the floor while pointing their guns at him. After showing the altercation from a different angle, the video then cuts to show the screaming toddler being rushed outside by her mother, while the woman slams her partner for what he has done, saying ‘He just stabbed me. I hate this boy.’ One cop calmly instructs her to hold the little girl’s arm and put pressure on it as he makes a tourniquet from a first aid bag inside his cruiser. She was later flown by helicopter to Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital in Memphis, Tn. Both mother and daughter are expected to make a full recovery. Coleman was charged with second-degree domestic battery and is in Craighead County Jail in lieu of $15,000 bond, reports the Arkansas Democrat Gazette. Police say the incident arose after the woman threatened to leave Coleman and take the little girl with her. A Jonesboro PD spokesman hailed the actions of its officer, saying: ‘Officer Blaine Middlecoff was able to act without hesitation to stop life-threatening bleeding because of the training he had received from the Stop the Bleeding Foundation.’
Tech Support Pits From: Sharon Re: Daylight Saving Time problem Dear Webby Since the early arrival of daylight saving time my clock will not stay updated. I do not have the pc set to do automatic updates as I want to update only the things I want. I have clicked on the clock time on the taskbar & reset it on the clock setting but it keeps going back to the old time. I have clicked "apply" then ok. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can keep it set to the current time? Thanks for your help on this & other questions. Sharon Dear Sharon Seems your Windows is short a few marbles. As long as you got theIE7 block in place, and don't update the Media Player, all other updates are safe. In the meantime, just change your time zone one zone to the one East of you. Have FUN DearWebby
A man says to a friend, "I've got a riddle for you. If there were three crows on a fence post and I shot one, how many would be left?" Without hesitating, the friend says, "Two left." "You don't get the point," the man says. "Listen to the riddle. There were three crows on a fence post. Then I shot one. How many would be left?" "Two left," the friend says again. "No," the man says in a superior tone of voice. "None would be left, because if I shot one then the other two would fly away." "Isn't that what I've been saying?" the friend says. "Two left."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. "What party does your husband belong to?" he asked. The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
We took a friend to dinner at a restaurant that offered free refills of nonalcoholic drinks. Before the main course arrived, she kept the waitress scurrying for refills. When our friend asked for yet another, the waitress raised an eyebrow and asked, "What did you have for lunch, a sponge?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Grow Plants for Gifts I take cuttings of my indoor and outdoor plants and begin new ones in saved plastic planters. These are my "give away" plants. Last week alone, I saved money by being able to use them as "thank you" gifts. Wrap them up in some cellophane with ribbons and they look store bought. By Kathy Be careful that you don't get carried away with that! That is what my father started to do after he retired. Now have a look at his site at Most recent page is at the top in the menu on the left. He specialized on cacti, because they only need watering 2 - 3 times a year and multiply nicely as long as they are not pampered. Now he has over 5000 plants and no time to label the pictures! Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Dave for this story: Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."
Book Towns are made for book lovers, and I'm a book lover.
___________________________________________________ Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ The following are apparently actual excuses written by parents and given to teachers: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on March. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 3. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 4. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 5. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 6. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 7. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 9. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 10. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 11. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 12. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 13. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 14. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.. ____________________________________________________

Today, May 16 in
1770 Marie Antoinette, at age 14, married the future King Louis XVI
of France, who was 15. 

1879 The Treaty of Gandamak between Russia and England set up the
Afghan state. 

1881 In Germany, the first electric tram for the public started

1888 The first demonstration of recording on a flat disc was
demonstrated by Emile Berliner. Before that, recordings were made
on cylinders.

1888 The capitol of Texas was dedicated in Austin. 

1920 Joan of Arc was canonized in Rome. 

1939 The Philadelphia Athletics and the Cleveland Indians met at
Shibe Park in Philadelphia for the first baseball game to be played
under the lights in the American League. 

1946 "Annie Get Your Gun" opened on Broadway. 

1946 Jack Mullin showed the world the first magnetic tape recorder.

1948 The body of CBS News correspondent George Polk was found in
Solonika Bay in Greece. It had been a week after he disappeared. 

1960 A Big Four summit in Paris collapsed due to the American U-2
spy plane incident. 

1960 Theodore Maiman, at Hughes Research Laboratory in California,
demonstrated the first working laser. 

1963 After 22 Earth orbits Gordon Cooper returned to Earth, ending
Project Mercury. 

1965 Spaghetti-O's were sold for the first time. 

1969 Venus 5, a Russian spacecraft, landed on the planet Venus. 

1975 Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to reach
the summit of Mount Everest. 

1977 Five people were killed when a New York Airways helicopter,
idling on top of the Pan Am Building in Manhattan, toppled over,
sending a huge rotor blade flying. 

1987 The Bobro 400 set sail from New York Harbor with 3,200 tons of
garbage. The barge travelled 6,000 miles in search of a place to
dump its load. It returned to New York Harbor after 8 weeks with
the same load, slightly smellier. 

1988 A report released by Surgeon General C. Everett Koop declared
that nicotine was addictive in similar way as heroin and cocaine. 

1988 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that police do not have to have a
search warrant to search discarded garbage. 

1991 Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address
the U.S. Congress. 

1992 The Endeavour space shuttle landed safely after its maiden

1996 Admiral Jeremy "Mike" Boorda, the nation's top Navy officer,
died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound after some of his military
awards were called into question. 

1997 In Zaire, President Mobutu Sese Seko gave control of the
country to rebel forces ending 32 years of autocratic rule. 

2000 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton was nominated to run
for U.S. Senator in New York. The senator for that riding had been
ordered to resign by the Democratic Party to give the 100% safe
riding to Hillary in exchange for not making a big fuss about
Monica. That got her the very lucrative lifetime senator's pension
and deluxe health care.

2018  smiled.

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Power strips 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 14

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Panty Claus Stalker arrested
Today, May 14 in
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law Simon
deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none. --- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910) Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. --- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >A classic from Kati Thanks to Kati for this story: The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no Full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a Demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, With Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Isitro Lee Sanches, 59, Panama City, Floriduh Neighbor guilty in stalking case busted with 90 pounds of panties A man known in his trailer park as “Santa Claus” has been convicted of breaking into a neighbor’s home to leave her notes and panties he wanted to see her wear. The Bay County Sheriff’s Office arrested Isitro Lee Sanches in April 2017 after serving a search warrant on his Kimbrel Avenue trailer in Callaway, where they found about 90 pounds of women’s underwear. After a one-day trial, jurors on Friday found Sanches, 59, guilty as charged Thursday on three counts of burglary and a count of aggravated stalking. Sanches faces up to 40 years in prison on the combined charges, according to the State Attorney’s Office. His sentencing is set for May 11. Prosecutor Calie Rivera told the jury that from January to April 2017, one of Sanches’ neighbors received countless notes and pieces of undergarments in her car, on her front porch and inside her home on her bed. Within each note was a subtle message that a stranger was watching her and waiting for the day he could see her in the underwear he’d picked. “This case was a nightmare,” Rivera said. “It was one long nightmare from January to April 2017.” Sanches’ defense attorney, Seth Killion, argued that prosecutors had no direct evidence that tied him to the stalking charge. He conceded Sanches was in her home, but that he did not have a criminal intent. “The only thing they are going to prove is that he was there,” Killion told the jury. “But they won’t be able to prove he was there with intent to commit a crime.” The jury disagreed. Rivera presented bag after bag of panties to the jury during the woman’s testimony, having her read aloud the notes attached. The woman said while the jury saw numerous panties in the trial, she hadn’t been able to collect all of them. “It got to the point it happened several times a day,” she said. “I was just gathering the notes and the panties so I could report them later. It got too much. I work two jobs.” The woman said on top of the growing task of collecting all the evidence, she and her family also became scared and eventually were forced to moved. “My kids were scared,” she told the jury. “We had to get hotels a few times. I had to move as soon as school got out.” BCSO initially responded in January 2017 to a stalking complaint after the woman found about eight pairs of panties and a note inside her unlocked car. Months passed, and she continued to find women’s underwear on her front porch, in her kitchen and on her bed. After she went to work April 13, 2017, her boyfriend heard someone enter the residence and confronted a male neighbor known as “Santa Claus” in the kitchen. “He found a man in the kitchen staring back at him and demanded answers,” Rivera said. “Instead, the man he confronted stared off like a deer in headlights. He then walked to the door and used his shirt to turn the knob and leave.” Sanches then walked home to his trailer, looking over his shoulder to see the boyfriend in pursuit. After that, BCSO obtained a search warrant and recovered three 30-pound bags of women’s underwear from Sanches’ home. It’s unclear if there were other victims, but the woman said she was traumatized by the experience. “He was just my neighbor — we waved a couple times,” she said. “I felt violated and scared — scared for my children.”
Tech Support Pits From: Tory Re: Power Strips Dear Webby Dear Webby, The power cord question reminded me of two more... 1) I've been told power strips and/or surge protectors wear out and that one should replace them about as often as one does the computer - every 3 yrs if budget allows (grin). True or not? 2. At work, it used to be the practice to use the on/off switch on surge protectors/power strips to turn off computers. "Back when" we were always told it was a lot cheaper to replace a power strip with worn out switch than it was to repair a worn out on/off button on a computer. Then folks started saying that that was a stupid idea, since "how could a surge protector do it's job if it wasn't turned on?". 3) Do you know whether a computer is still protected if the surge protector is turned off? (At home we don't debate this. Since we have a lot of storms, the practice has been to just unplug anything electronic and expensive.) Thanks from a fan! Tory Dear Tory 1) Cheap surge protected power strips usually have a light or lighted switch. When their suicide transistor has given it's life while protecting your equipment, the light flickers or, with some models, does not light. You can still use it for power tools and lights, but it won't protect delicate equipment from surges any more. 2) The power switch on a computer is $1.29 retail, the power strip is $9.95 Strange math they used there! However, if there were people around, who could not be relied on to turn their machine off, then of course a common power strip or breaker does make sense. In the days of 10" greenie monitors and the IBM DisplayWrite menu permanently burned into the screens from people leaving their machines on all year, I installed quite a few switches and contactors, so that the last one out could axe all the computers on that floor. In those days, that was a valid concern. 3) When the power strip is turned off, then normally only the ground wire is still connected. That makes it perfectly safe. The white wire is grounded at the breaker panel, and only the black wire can bring in any surges or spikes. When that wire is disconncted at the power strip switch, nothing can get to the computer. Keep in mind that with modern computers the ON/OF switch is "soft". Shutting the computer down does not completely turn it off. If you open the side cover, you will see a tiny green dot of light on the motherboard. In their great wisdom, or lack thereof, shut off computers can now be started via the modem or the mouse, or even by data input from your toy weather station. Any surge or spike can kill the power supply instantly. If the machine is out of warranty, then you are out of luck. Your way of unplugging the computer or turning the power strip off during storms or before going on vacation is most definitely a good idea. Have FUN DearWebby
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United." Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'? And John answered, "Mom."
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A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing?" Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'." "Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?" "I'm just visiting here." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Crystal That Repels Dust First, wash crystal items and dry them immediately, making sure that the item is spotless. Using 1/2 of a dryer softener sheet, gently rub on the crystal. This will leave a dull residue on it. Use a soft cloth to buff the crystal to remove the residue. The crystal should gleam and repel dust. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ "Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots."
Desert wild flowers blooming in southern California
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Dave for this confession: The first prayer I ever learned was "God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food". Unfortunately, I had also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it! A quiet Sunday dinner -- The family asks the youngest child to say grace. He is nervous -- but manages to pray: "God is great, God is good, roll him roll him, throw him in the pan". Oops! ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A neighbor who is always borrowing tools approaches the house next door one Saturday morning. "He won't get away with it this time," the homeowner tells wife. "Watch this," he says, as he opens the door to greet the neighbor. "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power saw this morning?" the neighbor asks. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," the man says, with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," says the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?" ____________________________________________________

Today, May 14 in
1264 King Henry III was captured by his brother in law Simon
deMontfort at the Battle of Lewes in France. 

1509 In the Battle of Agnadello, French defeated Venetians in
Northern Italy. 

1610 French King Henri IV (Henri de Navarre) was assassinated by a
fanatical monk, François Ravillac. 

1643 Louis XIV became King of France at age 4 upon the death of his
father, Louis XIII. 

1787 Delegates began gathering in Philadelphia for a convention to
draw up the U.S. Constitution. 

1796 The first smallpox vaccination was given by Edward Jenner. 

1804 William Clark set off the famous expedition from Camp Dubois.
A few days later, in St. Louis, Meriwether Lewis joined the group.
The group was known as the "Corps of Discovery." 

1811 Paraguay gained independence from Spain. 

1853 Gail Borden applied for a patent for condensed milk. 

1862 The chronograph was patented by Adolphe Nicole. 

1878 The name Vaseline was registered by Robert A. Chesebrough. 

1879 Thomas Edison incorporated the Edison Telephone Company of

1897 "The Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Phillip Sousa was
performed for the first time. It was at a ceremony where a statue
of George Washington was unveiled. 

1897 Guglielmo Marconi made the first communication by wireless

1913 The Rockefeller Foundation was created by John D. Rockefeller
with a gift of $100,000,000. 

1935 The Philippines ratified an independence agreement. 

1940 The Netherlands surrendered to Nazi Germany. 

1942 The Women's Auxiliary Army Corps (WAAC) was established by an
act of the U.S. Congress. 

1942 The British, while retreating from Burma, reached India. 

1948 Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion proclaimed the independent
State of Israel as British rule in Palestine came to an end. 

1955 The Warsaw Pact, an Eastern European mutual-defense treaty,
was signed in Poland by eight communist bloc countries including
the Soviet Union. 

1961 A bus carrying Freedom Riders was bombed and burned in

1969 Jacqueline Susann’s second novel, "The Love Machine," was
published by Simon and Schuster. 

1973 Skylab One was launched into orbit around Earth as the first
U.S. manned space station. 

1975 U.S. forces raided the Cambodian island of Koh Tang and
recaptured the American merchant ship Mayaguez. All 40 crew members
were released safely by Cambodia. About 40 U.S. servicemen were
killed in the military operation. 

1985 Ray Kroc's first McDonald's restaurant became the first fast-
food business museum. It is located in Des Plaines, Illinois. 

1988 In the Andean village of Cayara, Peru's military was involved
in a massacre of at least 26 peasants. 

1992 Former Soviet President Mikhail S. Gorbachev addressed members
of the U.S. Congress, appealing to them to pass a bill to aid the
people of the former Soviet Union. 

1996 A tornado hit 80 villages in nothern Bangladesh. More than 440
people were killed. 

1999 North Korea returned the remains of six U.S. soldiers that had
been killed during the Korean War. 

2018  smiled.

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Reverse PIN 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 13

Thank You, F.Lee!

Happy Mothers Day!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Stalker sent man 65,000 texts after one date,
giving stalking a bad name.
Today, May 13 in
1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport arrived at
Jamestown, Virginia. The passengers went ashore the next day and
this site became the first permanent settlement English colony in

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something. --- Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988) A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver- sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself. --- Lisa Kirk Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. --- Rich Cook ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Seven year old Johnny had finished his vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Just friends _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said: "You muft have really piffed off Grandma." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jacqueline Ades, 31, Paradise Valley,, Arizona Stalker sent man 65,000 texts after one date, giving stalking a bad name. A woman is accused of breaking into an Arizona home, bathing in the homeowner’s bathtub, and sending tens of thousands of disturbing text messages to the man’s phone after the pair went on one date, according to KNXV. In July 2017, 31-year-old Jacqueline Ades was found parked outside of the victim’s Paradise Valley home, police said. The man also accused her of repeatedly texting him, despite him saying he no longer wanted to talk to her. Officers found Ades still outside the victim’s home when they arrived and told her to leave, officials said. Shortly after, the man started to receive threatening text messages from the suspect. Police received a similar report in December from the same residence, but officers were unable to locate her. On April 8, the victim called a detective a third time, saying he was out of the country, but saw Ades in his home while checking his home surveillance video. When officers arrived at the home, the woman was taking a bath, police said. A large butcher knife was discovered on the passenger’s seat of her car, court paperwork said. She was taken into custody and charged with trespassing. After Ades was released from jail, she allegedly started sending more threatening text messages to the victim — some of the messages alluded that “harm may come to him,” authorities said. Less than three weeks later, the victim called authorities to report receiving multiple threatening text messages from her, court documents said. The man also explained that they met on a dating website, and after one date Ades began stalking and harassing him. Ades allegedly sent about 65,000 text messages to the man’s phone. The victim said that she sent about 500 text messages to him a day, court documents said. In one of Ades’ messages, she allegedly stated, “…Don’t ever try to leave me…I’ll kill you…I don’t wanna be a murderer.” She also said that she wanted to wear his body parts and bathe in his blood, court paperwork said. On May 4, police were called to a business in Scottsdale after passersby reported Ades “acting irrationally and claiming to be the owner’s wife,” police said. The owner of the business is the Paradise Valley homeowner. Ades was arrested on Tuesday on charges of threatening, stalking and harassment. While being questioned by police, the suspect explained that she sent the man text messages all day but he never responded, court documents said. She said that she threatened him because she was worried he had called police to report her behavior. The woman is also accused of admitting that she threatened him because she didn’t want him to leave and because she loved him, court paperwork said. She allegedly admitted to knowing her statements were “crazy” and plans to return to Florida once she’s released.
Tech Support Pits From: BundlePuppy: Re: Reversed PIN Dear Webby I received this fwd from a friend of mine and was wondering if this information about using your pin in reverse order to signal, that you are under duress, is true or just another Internet scam? BundlePuppy Dear BundlePuppy It's not a scam, since nobody profits from it, but it's not true. While the Reverse PIN has worked fine for three decades on burglar alarm and door access systems, the banks are fighting the Reverse PIN tooth and nail and with heavy lobbying at the state and federal level. What is really hypocritical, is that most banks use the Reverse PIN trick on their door access systems, but spend big money lobbying against it's use at the ATM level. Since the ATMs already have a modem and already are connected, and often also have a separate connection for a security alarm, it would just be a matter of a few lines of code in the bank side programming. Instead they use lame excuses such as that there might some day be a victim who gets confused during the stress of a hold-up and might not be able to reverse the number. It's tough luck for the Billions who would have no problem punching in the PIN in reverse order, just like they got it written on the back page of their checkbook. Have FUN DearWebby
We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?" While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Rubye for this story: A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good-bye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five." "Oh, you're so sweet!" "Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Save on Fabric Softener I mix 4-5 caps full of liquid softener in a gallon of water. I keep a few small sponges in the bucket, wring one out and toss it in the dryer. This works great and saves on dryer sheets. When you take the clothes out of the dryer, put the sponge back in the bucket. By Shellie Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Moms out there.
___________________________________________________ A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where the dope dealer next door buries all his dope and money. He might get upset!" A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You won't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ >From Hank My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000." ____________________________________________________

Today, May 13 in
1607 An expedition led by Captain Christopher Newport arrived at
Jamestown, Virginia. The passengers went ashore the next day and
this site became the first permanent settlement English colony in

1779 The War of Bavarian Succession ended. 

1787 Captain Arthur Phillip left Britain for Australia. He
successfully landed eleven ships full of convicts on January 18,
1788, at Botany Bay. The group moved north eight days later and
settled at Port Jackson. 

1821 The first practical American printing press was patented in
the U.S. by Samuel Rust. 

1846 The U.S. declared that war existed with Mexico. 

1861 Britain declared its neutrality in the American Civil War. 

1864 The Battle of Resaca commenced as Union General Sherman fought
towards Atlanta during the American Civil War. 

1865 The last land engagement of the American Civil War was fought
at the Battle of Palmito Ranch in far south Texas, more than a
month after Gen. Lee's surrender at Appomattox, VA. 

1880 Thomas Edison tested his experimental electric railway in
Menlo Park. 

1888 Slavery was abolished in Brazil. 

1897 Guglielmo Marconi sent the world's first wireless
communication over open sea. 

1913 Igor Sikorsky flew the first four engine aircraft. 

1917 Near Fatima, Portugal, three peasant children reported seeing
a vision of the Virgin Mary. 

1927 "Black Friday" occurred in Germany. 

1949 The first gas turbine to pump natural gas was installed in
Wilmar, AR. 

1954 U.S. President Eisenhower signed into law the St. Lawrence
Seaway Development Act. 

1958 French troops took control of Algiers. 

1958 U.S. Vice President Nixon's limousine was battered by rocks
thrown by anti-U.S. demonstrators in Caracas, Venezuela. 

1968 Peace talks between the U.S. and North Vietnam began in Paris.

1975 Hailstones the size of tennis balls hit Wenerville, TN. 

1985 A confrontation between Philadelphia authorities and the
radical group MOVE ended as police dropped an explosive onto the
group's headquarters. Eleven people died in the fire that resulted.

1998 India did a second round of nuclear tests. The first round had
been done 2 days earlier. Within hours the U.S. and Japan imposed
tough economic sanctions. India claimed that the tests were
necessary to maintain India's national security. 

1999 In Moscow, the impeachment of Russian President Boris Yeltsin

2018  smiled.

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What kind of Internet business to choose? 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 11
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Georgia mom admits she let men rape daughters, 
ages 5 and 6, in exchange for money
Today, May 11 in
1573 Henry of Anjou became the first elected king of Poland.

More of today in history at HIstory
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. --- Hobart Brown Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws. --- Plato ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ For Air Defense artillerymen, the Annual Service Practice is an important event as it's the only time they're permitted to fire live missiles. It draws not only the inspectors, but also several dignitaries. As the safety officer during one such event, I was in the control tower along with our executive officer. The exec was explaining the day's activities by the public-address system to visitors who were in a safe viewing area. Suddenly, on the firing line, a bored soldier lit up a cigarette. Before I could react, the exec grabbed the microphone and screamed, "PUT OUT THAT F@#$%&G CIGARETTE!" Two generals, a Congressman, and the local mayor obediently responded and put out their cigarettes. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Canvasback_Duck flies 120 km/h (73mph) _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ There is more than just the ads that change daily in the Seattle Times! Comics _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Morgan Summerlin, 25, Fulton County, Georgia Georgia mom admits she let men rape daughters, ages 5 and 6, in exchange for money him down. A 25-year-old Georgia mother admitted she allowed two men to rape her daughters in exchange for money. According to the Office of the Fulton County District Attorney, the 5-year-old and 6-year-old girls told their guardians that their mother, Morgan Summerlin, took them to the men’s homes where they were sexually assaulted. The men would give the girls money; Summerlin would then take the cash for herself. A jury found one of the men, Richard Office, guilty last week on charges of rape, child molestation, trafficking a person for sexual servitude, enticing a child for indecent purposes and sexual battery. He was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole plus an additional 146 years to run concurrently. Summerlin also allowed another man, Alfredo Trejo, to abuse her children. He was convicted of rape, sexual battery, child molestation and aggravated child molestation in February. A judge sentenced him to 25 years in prison and lifetime probation. Like Office, Trejo would abuse the girls and give them money, which Summerlin would then take, prosecutors said. On April 26, Summerlin pleaded guilty to cruelty to children, trafficking a person for sexual servitude and enticing a child for indecent purposes. Sentencing is set for June 4. The children’s grandmother, Teresa Davidson, pleaded guilty to cruelty to children for failing to protect the girls after they told her about the abuse. She was sentenced to five years. The report did not state why the mother did not have guardianship, or who the actual guardian was.
Tech Support Pits From: Carrie Re: Internet business Dear Webby There is so much written about making big money on the Internet. Since most of that is in spam, how much of that can be believed ? I want just a small business without the stress that comes with a big company. Is there something that would fit for me? Thanks Carrie Dear Carrie If you want "just a small business", then crochet doilies and sell them to relatives. You will make more money than any of the gullible suckers who believe what they read in spam. If you want an Internet business that pays you more per month than working as a part time greeter at Walmart, then you have to follow some basic rules: 1) Clean up your credit rating enough so that you can get a credit card merchant account or a PayPal merchant account. Register as a company and get aa company bank account. Make the company pay you a wage and all the legal requirements like pension plan, medical, etc. You will severely kick yourself if you neglect that! Btw., you don't really need to really pay yourself instantly. It is quite customary that you simply have the compoany owe you the wages, and you keep them in there as an investment until the company can afford to pay you. Just keep track of all that same as any company expense, that you "lend" to the company. 2) Set up a web site. However, be careful and limit your time! It's really easy to do, but if the creativity bug bites you, it's too much fun and becomes addictive, and it's easy to forget that the reason for it is your business. It's quite OK to play, but budget your time! If you don't know how to write pages, take the free HTML course that you see in the right side margin. 3) Start writing a regular newsletter. Absolutely nothing will generate as many contacts and friends. 4) As you are getting comfortable with pages and newsletters, it's time to find a niche that suites you. Don't pick anything that requires x amount of hours to make, but something that you can duplicate easily or buy easily. Try to avoid nutrition supplements. That niche is way too crowded and you won't make any money there. 5) Avoid MLM (pyramid schemes) where you are just making money for your upline. 6) Get yourself a coach. Life is too short to make all the mistakes yourself. Avoid those who claim that they are a coach or successful but are actually so poor that they resort to spamming. They are like the fortune tellers on the street, who can't even predict when they are going to be arrested. Instead find somebody who is running a successful business and has done so for a long time. 7) Stock up on a small amount of whatever you are planning to sell and sell it to friends. ABSOLUTELY refuse to accept cash. I don't have the space here to explain it, but cash will ruin your business for sure. Tell them that you need to test your order form or your merchant account, or whatever, but don't accept cash! Make everybody go through your order form or shopping cart, and keep that money totally separate. You can write off a lot of things, and pay yourself generously, but only if you keep a very strict separation. Anything else will just get you yelled at by your accountant and by the tax authorities, cost you more and waste a lot of time. I can't tell you what would work in your area. You need a local start, unless you have a huge amolunt of starting capital. However, you CAN use international suppliers, as long as you keep your source secret. Have a look at Gamiss, a Chinese clothing supplier. Their quality is excellent and they ship incredibly fast. If you put together a catalog, that features their items, you could make pretty good money! I ordered an $8 parka with faake fur trim on the hood from them before Christmas. The same would have cost me close to $100 locally. Right now they got, for example Turndown Collar Single Breasted Fleece PU Leather Jacket - Espresso - 2xl $20.55 I didn't order it, but it is just an example. Don't get limited to an example! Consider your interests and pick something, that does not turn you off, and that your friends would be interested in. Have FUN DearWebby
The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's newest boyfriend."
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Sam staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. Anni, his wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Sam had been until two o'clock in the morning. Sam looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the heck is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?" The wife thundered back, "Don't you go changing the subject! Where in the heck have you been so late?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Chris for this story: An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace O this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again,"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Pet ID Tags Make sure all of your pets have an ID tag with your current contact information on it. The chances of getting a lost pet back are much greater if your pet has a tag with your current phone number on it. You get can get inexpensive pet tags made at all pet store chains. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub. The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled. The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony." But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face. Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
Early Highlights from the 2018 Nat Geo Travel Photographer of the Year Contest.
___________________________________________________ As a professional clown, John entertains groups at parties and company picnics. Once, an inebriated guest began heckling him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act. Trying to ignore him wasn't working, so he used a different tactic. Slipping his arm around his shoulder, John looked him in the eye and said, "Mister, I get paid to dress up and make a fool of myself - what's your excuse?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work. When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, hon." "Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!" ______________________________________________________
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______________________________________________________ The young mother wanted so much to be a part of her teenage children's group. She worked hard at learning all the styles the young mothers wore and all foods the children like to eat. She always tried to look young and spiffy and to have an abundant supply of snacks when the gang dropped by. She even learned how to talk "young" learning all the buzz words and hip sayings. One day all this came to a screeching halt when, after serving the right snacks, she heard herself say to a room full of hormone dripping teenagers, "If anyone want secs, just let me know. I'll be in the kitchen getting it ready." ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news: The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a net profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. I'm not a crook like you, I gave him his two dollars back."
Skywalk over the Grand Canyon
___________________________________________________ A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out? Do you have to correct God's grammar?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 11 in
0330 Constantinople, previously the town of Byzantium, was founded.

1573 Henry of Anjou became the first elected king of Poland. 

1647 Peter Stuyvesant arrived in New Amsterdam to become governor. 

1689 French and English naval battle takes place at Bantry Bay. 

1745 French forces defeat an Anglo-Dutch-Hanoverian army at

1792 The Columbia River was discovered by Captain Robert Gray. 

1812 British prime Minster Spencer Perceval was shot by a bankrupt
banker in the lobby of the House of Commons. 

1857 Indian mutineers seized Delhi from the British. 

1889 Major Joseph Washington Wham takes charge of $28,000 in gold
and silver to pay troops at various points in the Arizona
Territory. The money was stolen in a train robbery. 

1894 Workers at the Pullman Palace Car Company in Illinois went on

1910 Glacier National Park in Montana was established. 

1934 A severe two-day dust storm stripped the topsoil from the
great plains of the U.S. and created a "Dust Bowl." The storm was
one of many. 

1944 A major offensive was launched by the allied forces in central

1947 The creation of the tubeless tire was announced by the B.F.
Goodrich Company. 

1949 Siam changed its name to Thailand. 

1960 Israeli soldiers captured Adolf Eichmann in Buenos Aires. 

1967 The siege of Khe Sanh ended. 

1985 More than 50 people died when a flash fire swept a soccer
stadium in Bradford, England. 

1995 The Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty was extended indefinitely.
The treaty limited the spread of nuclear material for military

1996 An Atlanta-bound ValuJet DC-9 caught fire shortly after
takeoff from Miami and crashed into the Florida Everglades. All 110
people on board were killed. 

1997 Garry Kasparov, world chess champion, lost his first ever
multi-game match. He lost to IBM's chess computer Deep Blue. It was
the first time a computer had beaten a world-champion player. 

1998 India conducted its first underground nuclear tests, three of
them, in 24 years. The tests were in violation of a global ban on
nuclear testing. 

1998 A French mint produced the first coins of Europe's single
currency. The coin is known as the euro. 

2001 U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced his decision to
approve a 30-day delay of the execution of convicted Oklahoma City
bomber Timothy McVeigh. McVeigh had been scheduled to be executed
on May 16, 2001. The delay was because the Federal Bureau of
Investigation (FBI) had failed to disclose thousands of documents
to McVeigh's defense team. 

2018  smiled.

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Can't find Drive C: 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 10

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Bonehead arrested  for punching 80 year old
school crossing guard in the face, knocking
him down.
Today, May 10 in
1941 Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's deputy, parachuted into Scotland
on what he claimed was a peace mission. Englaand did not want peace
and Hess was jailed for life.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization, and at present very few people have reached this level. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for love is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. --- Fred Barling Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public. --- Edgar Watson Howe ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Judi had just returned to the United States from a month-long trip to Europe. She'd been to England, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Switzerland. Bob met her at the airline gate, hugged her, and asked, "So, how was your trip?" "Oh, it was terrible,." she replied, "The scenery was nice, but the whole place is just full of foreigners." She sounds like that moronic CNN reporter, who claimed that First Lady Melania was culturally a foreigner and not suitable for motivating school kids. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Thanks to Rolly for this story: Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Sart, Turn Off." Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game.That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by William Anthony Vindigni, 36 Apopka, Florida Bonehead arrested for punching 80 year old school crossing guard in the face, knocking him down. An Apopka man was arrested Thursday after he hit an 80-year-old school crossing guard in the face, causing him to fall to the ground, the Seminole County Sheriff’s Office said. William Reynolds was crossing two elementary school children in the driveway of the 7-Eleven on Wekiva Springs Road, east of Fox Valley Drive in unincorporated Longwood when William Anthony Vindigni, 36, walked up and struck Reynolds in the face, deputies said. The children were not injured. Vindigni left on foot but was located by deputies at the intersection of Palm Springs and Wekiva Springs roads, authorities said. Deputies said Vindigni resisted arrest, but was eventually taken into custody. Vindigni grabbed and pinched a deputy on the back of her leg during the incident, an arrest report said. Reynolds, the crossing guard, was taken to a hospital as a precaution. Investigators believe it was an isolated incident. Vindigni was taken to the John E. Polk Correctional Facility on charges of aggravated battery, battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest.
Tech Support Pits From: Duck Re: Can't find drive C: dear great computer guru..... youve helped me before, hint hint hint. I have windows 10 (almost makes me miss the old DOS days) and suddenly, it has to search for the c:\ drive. I havent moved it, honest. for instance, when I click on "my computer", up comes that stupid little search flashlight and the machine spends up to a minute searching until it finds it. It does this in every program I own that needs to go to somewhere similar. How do I convince it that the drive and all its parts are in the same place theyve always been? can computers get Alzheimer's? the duck Dear Duck Might be time to buy a new hard drive, if you can't get DisKeeper from to defragment and organize it. I would also back up anything important as soon as possible. However, chances are pretty good that DisKeeper can fix it. Expect to be shocked out of your socks by the amount of file fragments that program finds. And expect a very noticeable increase in speed and performance after it has done it's job. After an initial clean-up you can set it to run automatically whenever the screen saver comes on. Have FUN DearWebby
While looking for some history I came across this bonehead award and Darwin award from 10 years ago: Bregenz, Austria In the early morning hours an 18 year old on the way home from a party decided to climb over the iron railing along the train tracks, presumably to get down to the lake on the other side of the tracks. He was wearing a long black down jacket and the train driver never saw him. However, the driver reported hearing the typical faint thud at that location. At dawn the cops checked the area but saw nothing. Later that morning somebody saw blood on the locomotive and a jogger reported body pieces, so four cops and two funeral parlor employees with body bags went to the location. After gathering the pieces of the unidentified 18 year old, police woman Herlinde Kempf, 32, policeman German Baldauf, 63 and funeral parlor worker Manfred Petschenig, 47 stood on the tracks. Presumably they were discussing the stupidity of standing on the tracks of a railroad, where every few minutes some high speed train flies by at around 100 miles per hour. They were promptly converted into Darwin Award winners. Another policeman and another funeral parlor worker standing beside the track were not hurt, but watched the incident. Police claims that the accident happened because the locomotive driver had not been warned that there were idiots, ahem "Darwin Award Applicants", on the loose in the area, and that if he had been warned, he would have slowed down the Intercity Express to a walking pace. The Intercity Express is a very high speed train, that makes just one stop per country betwen Munich and Zurich.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Chill Your Jello Mold Place your Jello mold in fridge to chill before adding the Jello mixture. This will keep the "skin" off the mold. By Sue Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ "Cynic, n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be." --Ambrose Bierce
Early Highlights from the 2018 Nat Geo Travel Photographer of the Year Contest.
___________________________________________________ Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her wit's end. At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely lady. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you don't wear because they're last month's style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because you had seen a clerk in town wear one just like it. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!" ______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!" The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came from afar. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help your daughter figure out which of her friends got her pregnant!" ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A minister was opening his mail one morning and. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "FOOL". The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their name. "But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."
Rolligon: The Vehicle That Makes Running Over Yourself Fun
___________________________________________________ Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on this street." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 10 in
1503 Christopher Columbus discovered the Cayman Islands. 

1676 Bacon's Rebellion, which pits frontiersmen against the
government, began. 

1768 The imprisonment of the journalist John Wilkes as an outlaw
provoked violence in London. Wilkes was returned to parliament as a
member for Middlesex. 

1773 The English Parliament passed the Tea Act, which taxed all tea
in the U.S. colonies. It did not go over well.

1774 Louis XVI ascended the throne of France. 

1775 Ethan Allen and Colonel Benedict Arnold led an attack on the
British Fort Ticonderoga and captured it from the British. 

1796 Napoleon Bonaparte won a brilliant victory against the
Austrians at Lodi bridge in Italy. 

1840 Mormon leader Joseph Smith moved his band of followers to
Illinois to escape the hostilities they had experienced in

1857 The Seepoys of India revolted against the British Army. 

1865 Confederate President Jefferson Davis was captured by Union
troops near Irvinville, GA. 

1869 Central Pacific and Union Pacific Rail Roads meet in
Promontory, UT. A golden spike was driven in at the celebration of
the first transcontinental railroad in the U.S. 

1876 Richard Wagner’s "Centennial Inaugural March" was heard for
the first time at the Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia, PA. 

1898 A vending machine law was enacted in Omaha, NE. It cost $5,000
for a permit. 

1908 The first Mother's Day observance took place during a church
service in Grafton, West Virginia. 

1924 J. Edgar Hoover was appointed head of the Federal Bureau of

1927 The Hotel Statler in Boston, MA. became the first hotel to
install radio headsets in each of its 1,300 rooms. 

1930 The Adler Planetarium opened to the public in Chicago, IL. 

1933 The Nazis staged massive public book burnings in Germany. 

1940 Germany invaded Belgium, the Netherlands, Luxembourg and

1941 England's House of Commons was destroyed by a German air raid.

1941 Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's deputy, parachuted into Scotland
on what he claimed was a peace mission. Englaand did not want peace
and Hess was jailed for life.

1942 U.S. forces in the Philippines began to surrender to the

1943 U.S. troops invaded Attu in the Aleutian Islands to expel the

1960 The U.S.S. Triton completed the first circumnavigation of the
globe under water. The trip started on February 16. 

1962 Marvel Comics published the first issue of "The Incredible

1968 Preliminary Vietnam peace talks began in Paris. 

1978 Britain's Princess Margaret and the Earl of Snowdon announced
they were divorcing after 18 years of marriage. 

1982 Elliott Gould made his dramatic television debut after 30
movies in 17 years. He starred in "The Rules of Marriage" on CBS-

1986 Navy Lt. Commander Donnie Cochran became the first black pilot
to fly with the Blue Angels team. 

1994 Nelson Mandela was sworn in as South Africa’s first black

1997 An earthquake in northeastern Iran killed at least 2,400

1999 China broke off talks on human rights with the U.S. in
response to NATO's accidental bombing of the Chinese Embassy in

1999 The Cezanne painting "Still Life With Curtain, Pitcher and
Bowl of Fruit" sold for 60.5 million. 

2000 11,000 residents were evacuated in Los Alamos, NM, due to a
fire that was blown into a canyon. The fire had been deliberately
set to clear brush. 

2001 Boeing Co. announced that it would be moving its headquarters
to Chicago, IL. 

2001 In Ghana, 121 people were killed in a stampede at a soccer

2002 Robert Hanssen was sentenced to life in prison with no chance
for parole. Hanssen, an FBI agent, had sold U.S. secrets to Moscow
for $1.4 million in cash and diamonds. 

2002 Taiwan test fired a locally made Sky Bow II surface-to-air
missile for the first time. They also fired three U.S.-made Hawk

2002 Dr. Pepper announced that it would be introducing a new
flavor, Red Fusion, for the first time in 117 years. 

2011 It was announced that Microsoft had closed a deal to purchase
the internet phone service Skype for $8.5 billion. Sad day for
Skype. Microsoft didn't quite murder it, but seriously messed it

2013 In New York, NY, crane operators hoisted the final pieces of
the spire atop One World Trade Center (formerly called the Freedom

2018  smiled.

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She can't get her business mal out 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 9

Thanks for all the well wishes about my facial landing.
Yes, I know I should have leaned back, but I was
leaning forward and reaching for his collar when he took off 
likle a shotgun slug.

I was lucky tjere was a beautiful lady yjere, who was able
to provide First Aid. I brought her nice first aid kit today
and a little bottle of Liquid Skin. 

I don't plan to make another favial landing but I thought it
was only proper to replace the band aids that she used up on me.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Illegal alien sold heroin to undercover cop
and had cocaine in his hair
Today, May 9 in
1429 Joan of Arc defeated the besieging English at Orleans.  
See More of what happened on this day in history.
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______________________________________________________ Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. --- Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. --- Mark Twain The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. --- Herbert Spencer ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'" A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?" The member of the flock said, "I sure could." "How would you do it?" "With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here twenty years ago!" _______________________________________________ Reported by the Helen An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Chrismanuel Theophile, 25, Stuart, Florida Illegal alien sold heroin to undercover cop and had cocaine in his hair A man from Broward County is facing drug charges and the possibility of deportation after deputies found cocaine hidden in his hair. The Martin County Sheriff's Office arrested 25-year-old Chrismanuel Theophile during a controlled narcotics operation Wednesday night. Deputies say he sold heroin to undercover detectives who also found cocaine embedded in his hair. Theophile is facing charges of selling and distributing heroin and unlawful use of a two-way communication device. The sheriff's office said Theophile often traveled between Broward County and Port St. Lucie. He's on an immigration hold for deportation back to Haiti as the sheriff's office says he's in the United States illegally.
Tech Support Pits From: Liane Re: Not getting my mail out Dear Webby, I am writing this with gmail, because you and most people don't seem to get mail from my regular business address. What am I doing wrong? Liane Dear Liane Very few ISPs censor outgoing mail. Most likely you are using a childish autoresponder and got blocked and blacklisted by the people who had written to you before. Nowadays autoresponders are only appropriate when they provide real information. A good example is: "Write to ... to get an up to the minute road report from a guaranteed unmonitored and safe autoresponder." Telling somebody that mail arrived and that you may or may not get around to answer it some day, is NOT considered real information. That is considered as dumb a nuisance as any other unsolicited mail. Like me, a lot of people trash mail from autoresponders right on the server, unseen by anybody, and at the same time automatically blacklist the sender. Just dump that blocked and blacklisted address, get a new address and don't use a silly autoresponder on the new one. Have FUN DearWebby
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. Fred," he replies. Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was, Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now; Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as, Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears he was laughing so hard, and tore up the ticket
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An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything. An elderly station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much". What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes", replied her husband. "Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he repied. "What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied. "Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied. "Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew." "What'd he say?" inquired the woman. "He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
"Please" the man would beg of anyone who would listen, "just loan me a hundred dollars. I'll double it in no time and pay you right back." People would shake their heads and walk away. However, one night he ran into a generous oil man from Texas who handed him a crisp C-note and said, "Here, boy, enjoy yourself!" After thanking his generous benefactor he walked over to the Black Jack table and blew the money in five minutes. The next night when he saw the Texan, he again asked him for some money, and again the Texan gave him a hundred-dollar bill. But that too was gone within a matter of minutes. This continued for more than three weeks. Every night the Texan would give him money, and every night it would be gone almost before he had it. Finally, in desperation, the unhappy fellow told one of his friends about his experience with the generous Texan. "There's only onr thing to do," his friend told him "Lose the bum. he's bad luck for you!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Get a Smart Thermostat Install a programmable thermostat to adjust your furnace when you need less heat. Program your thermostat to heat your home less when you are asleep or at work. Programmable thermostats can be purchased at your local hardware store and are easy to install. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Rosie for this story: Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked. "More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!" "I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years.
Early Highlights from the 2018 Nat Geo Travel Photographer of the Year Contest.
___________________________________________________ There was football game between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede, "I was putting all my boots on. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 9 in

1785 Joseph Bramah patented the beer-pump handle. 

1825 The Chatham Theatre opened in New York City. It was the first
gas-lit theater in America. 

1904 The Great Western Railway Number 3440 City of Truro became the
first railway locomotive to exceed 100 miles per hour. 

1915 German and French forces fought the Battle of Artois. 

1926 Americans Richard Byrd and Floyd Bennett became the first men
to fly an airplane over the North Pole. 

1936 Fascist Italy took Addis Abba and annexed Ethiopia. 

1941 The German submarine U-110 was captured at sea by Britain's
Royal navy. 

1945 U.S. officials announced that the midnight entertainment
curfew was being lifted immediately. 

1946 King Victor Emmanuel II of Italy abdicated and was replaced by

1955 West Germany joined NATO. 

1960 The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved for sale
an oral birth-control pill for the first time. 

1962 A laser beam was successfully bounced off Moon for the first

1978 The bullet-riddled body of former Italian Prime Minister Aldo
Moro was found in an automobile in the center of Rome. The Red
Brigades had abducted him. 

1980 A Liberian freighter hit the Sunshine Skyway Bridge over Tampa
Bay in Florida. 35 motorists were killed and a 1,400-foot section
of the bridge collapsed. 

1994 Nelson Mandela was chosen to be South Africa's first black

1996 In video testimony to a courtroom in Little Rock, AR, U.S.
President Clinton insisted that he had nothing to do with a
$300,000 loan in the criminal case against his former Whitewater

2002 In Bethlehem, West Bank, a deal was reached that would end the
38-day standoff at the Church of the Nativity. Thirteen suspected
militants were to be deported to several different countries. The
standoff had begun on April 2, 2002. 

2002 In Kaspiisk, Russia, 39 people were killed and at least 130
were injurde when a remote-controlled bomb exploded during a
holiday parade. 

2002 In Bahrain, people were allowed to vote for representatives
for the first time in nearly 30 years. Women were allowed to vote
for the first time in the country's history.

2018  smiled.

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Why and how increase virtual memory 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 8

Got bloodied yeterday evening while walking my neighbor's big dog.

It was really funny. A lady a few blocks away asked if her dog
could meet Copper. Is aid sure, so she took her dog out of her
pick-up. Copper was well behaved until he was about 12 feet away.
Then he suddenly bolted to that dog like a shotgun slug. 

Keep in mind, Copper weighs about 15 pounds more than you do, 
and he is on 4x4.
There was no way I could hold him back. I flew through the air and 
with him pulling had no chance to stay upright. 
With one hand looped in the leash and the other holding the willow
switch I use to get his attention, I nosedived onto the sharp
Glasses shattered, of course, and the nose was bleeding profusely.
So were the palms of my hands and both knees.

The lady got some wet paper towel from her nearby house and stopped
the bleeding. I thought it was rather funny, but she felt really
sorry, and gave me a very nice hug. After I told her Copper had
done it just so I would get a decent hug, she gave me a couple

Still got my indoor reading glasses.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman fined after urine sample damages 
7-Eleven microwave
Today, May 8 in
1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later
be called "Coca-Cola." 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time. --- E. B. White (1899 1985) Jack Handey (1949 ) I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. --- Voltaire (1694 1778) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Early in the marriage, Helen, the wife's lifelong friend, came to dinner. During the course of the meal, she broke a fork in half. "Don't worry about it, Helen," said the husband. "It's just one of those cheap sets you get for subscribing to that recipe magazine." The wife turned to the husband and announced, "Honey, Helen gave us that set as a wedding gift!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes." Patient - "How much will this cost?" Dentist - "It`ll be $100." Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?" Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly and make it last half an hour." _______________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Angelique Sanchez, 26, Denver, Colorado Woman fined after urine sample damages 7-Eleven microwave A Denver woman was cited Thursday for allegedly causing damage to a 7-Eleven store's microwave oven when she tried to heat a urine sample, authorities said. A store clerk reported seeing the suspect, identified as Angelique Sanchez, 26, place something in the Aurora, Colo., store’s microwave before hearing a “loud bang” seconds later, Denver’s KUSA-TV reported, citing an Aurora Police Department report. The clerk reportedly told Sanchez to clean up the mess or she would alert police. Sanchez then “wiped out the microwave onto the floor” with napkins and left, Pueblo’s KOAA-TV reported, also citing the police report. The clerk then called police and told them she noticed “yellow liquid dripping from the microwave and the smell was unquestionably urine.” Police later found Sanchez about a half-mile away, at a health clinic where she was waiting to undergo a physical exam and urinalysis for a potential job, according to the report. One of the quality-check measures for a urine screening involves making sure the sample is at body temperature, or around 98.6 degrees, KUSA-TV reported. Sanchez reportedly told police that she had “cleaned up the mess and did not understand the problem.” “When I reminded her that urine blew up where people prepare their food, she told me it was not real urine,” a police officer wrote in his report. The officer said he issued Sanchez a summons for damaged property after informing her that the microwave is worth $500, KUSA-TV reported. Sanchez was also not allowed to take the drug test that day, KOAA-TV reported.
Tech Support Pits From: Diana Re: Why and how increase virtual memory Dear Webby, Just love your newsletter and advice. Can you tell me the benifits of increasing virtual memory? What is your recommendation for the size it should be? And how do I do it? Thank you very much, Diana Dear Diana Virtual memory is a part of the hard drive pretending to be chip memory, when the machine needs more RAM than you actually have under the hood. As a rule of thumb, make the virtual memory two to 4 times the size of your RAM. If your RAM is 2 GB, then make the virtual emory 8 GB. To change the virtual memory settings, go to Start, Control Panel and click on System. Click on the Advanced tab and under the Performance box, click Settings. In Windows 7, you'll need to click on Advanced System Settings on the left side to bring up the System Properties dialog. Have FUN DearWebby
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if she can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does! Be careful, she is a wrestler!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What's that latin stuff the priest says when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet or I'll knock your @#$%^ block off!"
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Insurance Quotes Get multiple quotes when shopping for insurance. Write down as much information as possible about each insurer. If the agent or representative is not willing to answer your questions, it's probably not a good company to give your business. Don't buy from the first insurance company you call! Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession? "I made $450,000 as an attorney," comes the reply. "OK," says the Angel, "take elevator #2.". Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000, I was a realtor." He is also permitted to enter and was told to take elevator #4 Now it is the third man's turn. "My annual income was $175." "Cool!" replies the Angel, "take elevator #10, the UP elevator. By the way, what ezine did you publish?"
The frost fairs of the river Thames when the northern hemisphere was in the grip of a "Little Ice Age."
___________________________________________________ The stressed-out department store clerk quits and becomes a cop. "How's the new gig?" his friend asks. "The pay is great, the hours are awful, but I love that the customer is always wrong." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 8 in
1096 Peter the Hermit and his army reached Hungary. They passed
through without incident. 

1450 Jack Cade's Rebellion-Kentishmen revolted against King Henry

1541 Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River. He called it
Rio de Espiritu Santo. 

1794 Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was the
French chemist who discovered oxygen. 

1846 The first major battle of the Mexican War was fought. The
battle occurred in Palo Alto, TX. 

1847 The rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thompson. 

1879 George Selden applied for the first automobile patent. 

1886 Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later
be called "Coca-Cola." 

1914 The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that designated
the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 

1919 The first transatlantic flight by a navy seaplane began. The
three Curtiss NC flying boats left from Naval Air Station Rockaway.

1921 Sweden abolished capital punishment. 

1933 Gandhi began a hunger strike to protest British oppression in

1939 Clay Puett's electric starting gate was used for the first

1943 The Germans suppressed a revolt by Polish Jews and destroyed
the Warsaw Ghetto. 

1945 U.S. President Harry Truman announced that World War II had
ended in Europe. 

1954 Parry O'Brien became the first to toss a shot put over 60
feet. O'Brien achieved a distance of 60 feet 5 1/4 inches. 

1956 Alfred E. Neuman appeared on the cover of "Mad Magazine" for
the first time. 

1958 U.S. President Eisenhower ordered the National Guard out of
Little Rock as Ernest Green became the first black to graduate from
an Arkansas public school. 

1959 Mike and Marian Ilitch founded "Little Caesars Pizza Treat". 

1960 Diplomatic relations between Cuba and the Soviet Union

1970 Construction workers broke up an anti-war protest on New York
City's Wall Street. 

1973 Militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota hamlet
of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered. 

1984 The Soviet Union announced that they would not participate in
the 1984 Summer Olympics Games in Los Angeles. 

1985 "New Coke" was released to the public on the 99th anniversary
of Coca-Cola. 

1986 Reporters were told that 84,000 people had been evacuated from
areas near the Chernobyl nuclear plant in Soviet Ukraine. 

1998 A pipe burst leaving a million residents without water in
Malaysia's capital area. This added to four days of shortages that
2 million already faced. 

2018  smiled.

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Speeding up a laptop 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, May 7

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Arrest made after hit-and-run crash 
involving crossing guard in Eatonville
Today, May 7 in
1945 Germany signed unconditional surrender ending World War II. It
would take effect the next day. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' --- Ronnie Shakes There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking --- Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931) The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon Right. All of my friends know that my hearing is no longer suitable for phone, so they use Skype or email. When the phone does ring, I answer with "Are YOLU a useless nuisance Telemarketer?" If it is a robo call, I put the phone onto the speaker and let them listen to AccuRadio, or whatever I got playing. Eventually they hang up. Some of them are scammers and they want to record you saying "yes", and use that to send you crap. I used to play a recording of cusswords read by Text-to-speech set to Frankenstein, but that is almost more hassle than it is worth, so nowadays I just waste their time and dime by putting the phone onto my left side speaker. I have made up my mind a long time ago to NEVER deal with telemarketers. If they don't have email, then they are not in my league, and need to grow up. If enough people adopt that attitude, they will stop being a nuisance. If you like being creative, you can record a bit of Fats Waller's "Your Feet's too big" Yes, your feet's too big Don't want ya 'cause ya feet's too big Can't use ya 'cause ya feet's too big I really hate ya 'cause ya feet's too big... Fats Waller, your feets too big Just record it with Audacity or any recorder program, save it as MP4, set it to loop endlessly, and save it to your desktop. Make or select a cute icon for it. Then when a telemarketer calls, hit that and let Fats Waller tell them why he hates them. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? How about making it permanent?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by No mug shot to avoid racial profiling LaShawna T. Quinn, 36 Eatonville, Florida Arrest made after hit-and-run crash involving crossing guard in Eatonville LaShawna, the driver of a black Mercedes allegedly involved in a hit-and-run crash with a crossing guard in Eatonville has been arrested, officials said. LaShawna T. Quinn, 36, is accused of hitting the crossing guard and then fleeing the scene, police said. The crossing guard was helping a child cross the street shortly after 8 a.m. at West Kennedy Boulevard and Wymore Road when the black Mercedes hit her while she was making a left turn, police said. Investigators said the child had not yet started crossing when the crossing guard was hit. The crossing guard was struck on the leg, but was back on the job at the same intersection a few hours after being hit. "For the kids to see her out here, it speaks volumes of her and her care of the community and the kids in the community," mayor Cole said. LaShawna Quinn is facing charges of aggravated battery with a motor vehicle, hit and run and failure to stop at a crosswalk, and driving without a license.
Tech Support Pits From: Doug Re: Speeding up a laptop Dear Webby, Looking into speeding up my startup, cleaning up the taskbar, and generally cleaning up my laptop. Unfortunately there are is a vast amount of people on the net, telling me all the steps, secrets and adjustments to make to do all the above. My problem is who do I trust? Who is up to date? Who has the right strategies? I want to do this right, and do not want to screw up the laptop. I run Windows 7 Professional. Have a great day. Doug Dear Doug A) The fastest your laptop ever ran, was when you started it up the first time. B) The more utilities and speeder-uppers you put on it, the more convenient but also the slower it got. You will have to find a compromise point somewhere between A) and B). Here are some guidelines: If your machine is infected with Norton, get rid of it. use Malwarebytes Assign 4 times the amount of RAM you actually have for Virtual memory. Keep at least 20% of the hard drive free. ( By the way, space assigned for virtual memory is NOT free space! Add that amount to the USED space number.) Run Spybot-Search&Destroy, then use it's advanced tools to lock out whatever you can from the start-up. Start up all the cutesy stuff manually, IF and when you actually need it. Run a high quality defragmenter like DisKeeper automatically whenever the screensaver comes on. Don't count on the Windows defragmenter. It does not work right in XP. Be a big spender and get Diskeeper (for just under $30 at ) All other "utilities" are cutesy muffler tassles. Cute, but if you need speed, you can do without them. Have FUN DearWebby
Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, printed in great big red letters onto the check, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Groan Alert! A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Organizing Your Shopping List If you frequent the same grocery store, you probably have a good idea of where products are located. One way to save time is to organize your shopping list by location. This is useful if you send a family member to do the shopping, they won't have to wander around looking for items. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this great tip: GREAT SAFETY IDEA : Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies. This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this: It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you turn it off! It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar or rapist won't stick around. After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there. ---------- You need a vehicle 10 years newer than mine, but theoretically, it is an excellent idea.
Stone stacking contest.
___________________________________________________ "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, Ah'm from Loosie-anna, but Ah shore don't want you to call me Louise!" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 7 in
0558 The dome of the church of St. Sophia in Constantinople
collapsed. It was immediately rebuilt as ordered by Justinian. 

1274 The Second Council of Lyons opened in France to regulate the
election of the pope. 

1429 The English siege of Orleans was broken by Joan of Arc. 

1525 The German peasants' revolt was crushed by the ruling class and

1763 Indian chief Pontiac began all out war on the British in New

1800 The U.S. Congress divided the Northwest Territory into two
parts. The western part became the Indiana Territory and the eastern
section remained the Northwest Territory. 

1912 The first airplane equipped with a machine gun flew over
College Park, MD. 

1915 The Lusitania, a civilian ship, that was also hauling poison
gas and ammo to England, was sunk by a German submarine. 1,201
people were killed. 

1926 A U.S. report showed that one-third of the nation's exports
were motors. 

1937 The German Condor Legion arrived in Spain to assist Franco’s

1939 Germany and Italy announced a military and political alliance
known as the Rome-Berlin Axis. 

1940 Winston Churchill became British Prime Minister. 

1942 In the Battle of the Coral Sea, Japanese and American navies
attacked each other with carrier planes. It was the first time in
the history of naval warfare where two enemy fleets fought without
seeing each other. 

1943 The last major German strongholds in North Africa, Tunis and
Bizerte, fell to Allied forces. 

1945 Germany signed unconditional surrender ending World War II. It
would take effect the next day. 

1946 Tokyo Telecommunications Engineering Corp. was founded. The
company was later renamed Sony. 

1951 Russia was admitted to participate in the 1952 Olympic Games by
the International Olympic Committee. 

1954 French Colonial Forces surrendered to the Vietminh at Dien Bien
Phu after 55 days of fighting. 

1954 The United States and the United Kingdom rejected the Soviet
Union's bid to join NATO. 

1960 Leonid Brezhnev became president of the Soviet Union. 

1975 U.S. President Ford declared an end to the Vietnam War. 

1977 Rookie Janet Guthrie set the fastest time on opening day of
practice for the Indianapolis 500. Her time was 185.607. 

1984 A $180 million out-of-court settlement was announced in the
Agent Orange class-action suit brought by Vietnam veterans who
claimed they had suffered injury from exposure to the defoliant
while serving in the armed forces. 

1992 A 203-year-old proposed constitutional amendment barring the
U.S. Congress from giving itself a midterm pay raise was ratified as
the 27th Amendment. 

1994 The Edvard Munch painting "The Scream" was recovered after
being stolen 3 months earlier from an Oslo Museum. This version of
"The Scream", one of four different versions, was painted on paper. 

1996 The trial of Serbian police officer Dusan Tadic opened in the
Netherlands. He was later convicted on murder-torture charges and
was sentenced to 20 years in prison. 

1997 A report released by the U.S. government said that Switzerland
provided Nazi Germany with equipment and credit during World War II.
Germany exchanged for gold what had been plundered or stolen.
Switzerland did not comply with postwar agreements to return the

1998 Daimler-Benz bought Chrysler Corp. for close to $40 billion. It
was the largest industrial merger on record. 

1999 A jury ruled that "The Jenny Jones Show" and Warner Bros. were
liable in the shooting death of Scott Amedure. He was killed by
another guest on the show. The jury's award was $25 million. 

1999 In Belgrade, Yugoslavia, three Chinese citizens were killed and
20 were wounded when a NATO plane mistakenly bombed the Chinese

1999 In Guinea-Bissau, the government of President João Bernardo
Vieira was ousted in a military coup. 

2000 Russian President Vladimir V. Putin named First Deputy Premier
Mikhail Kasyanov as premier. 

2003 In Washington, DC, General Motors Corp. delivered six fuel cell
vehicles to Capitol Hill for lawmakers and others to test drive
during the next two years. 

2003 Roger Moore collapsed during a matinee performance of the
Broadway comedy "The Play What I Wrote." He finished the show after
a 10-minute break. He was fitted with a pacemaker the following day.

2018  smiled.

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Sending Google Earth placemarks 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, May 6

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
NJ schools superintandent caught pooping 
onto the school track
Today, May 6 in
1527 German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the Renaissance. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592) Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. --- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Carl and a Dave are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the Dave hits his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," Dave says to Carl. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, Dave pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. Carl looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "Cheat?! I found my ball right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Carl says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Aniva Sakhalin, Russia _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A lady's husband dies. She heads to the funeral home to make arrangements. She's emphatic that the arrangements must be done with elegance, and attention to detail. "For example," she tells the funeral director, "I want no wooden chairs. Only padded ones. All the comforts possible to be extended to the mourners. Have the air conditioning set to a perfect 72 degrees. The flowers should be beautiful, yet not overpowering in their scent." The funeral director takes it all down. The day of the funeral the widow is examining the viewing room. She notices that the funeral director has not yet turned on the air conditioner. She orders the director to turn it on so that when the viewing starts, the room will be a perfect temperature. As soon as the air conditioner is on, though, she notices her deceased husband's hairpiece is flapping in the breeze caused by the air conditioner. "This won't do!" She orders the director to take care of the problem. He assures her that he will take care of it, if she'll just wait in the outer office for ten minutes. She leaves and comes back after exactly 600 seconds. Sure enough, her husband's hair is all in place. A month later, the widow is reviewing the bill for the funeral and she notices there was no charge for the hair problem. She calls to inquire as to why. She's told that it was "on the house." "Nonsense," she retorts, "you expended time and materials and I will compensate you for it. Now, give me a price!" "Ok, madam", the funeral director wearily agrees. He holds the phone away and hollers across the room, "Hey, Charlie, how much did that nail cost to put that toupee in place last month?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Thomas Tramaglini, 42, Matawan, New Jersey Superintendent Charged With Pooping On Holmdel Track All the Holmdel High track team wanted to know was who was pooping either on or near the track and football field on a near-daily basis. Who has been relieving themselves on an almost daily basis on the Holmdel High School athletic fields? It turns out it was the superintendent of the Kenilworth school district, Thomas Tramaglini, allege Holmdel police. All the Holmdel High School track team wanted to know was who was pooping either on or near the track and football field. Students and coaches said they would find human feces on an almost daily basis. The Holmdel school resource officer was alerted to the problem, and started quietly monitoring the area every morning. "I don't know if it was daily, but it's been going on for a while. I heard it was at least eight times in the past few months," said someone within the Holmdel community, who wanted to stay anonymous. Tramaglini, 42, a Matawan resident, with a carefully trimmed masculinity prothesis (teen ager's wanna-be beard) was arrested and charged with the bizarre crime. He was charged with lewdness, littering and defecating in public. According to he was arrested at 5:50 a.m. this past Monday, April 30. His home is only a few miles away from the high school. Tramaglini is the superintendent of the Kenilworth school district, and also lectures part time at Rutgers, in their graduate-level education classes. After his arrest, he requested he take a paid leave of absence from his $147,504-a-year job. Kenilworth schools announced the news on their Facebook page late Wednesday night. "Earlier today, we learned of municipal court charges facing our current superintendent of schools in Holmdel, NJ," read the somber statement. "Given the nature of those charges, he asked for and was granted a paid leave of absence." Before he was hired to oversee Kenilworth's schools, Tramaglini was the PreK-12 Chief Academic Officer of the Keansburg School District. He is also a part-time lecturer at the Rutgers University Graduate School of Education. He started out as a middle school and high school teacher. According to state law, a leave can only be unpaid if the superintendent is indicted, or faced with tenured charges. Brian Luciani, Kenilworth's director of academics, has been named as the acting superintendent of schools. Tramaglini was due in Holmdel municipal court Monday morning, May 7 to answer to the charges, but that date has been pushed back and rescheduled, police told Patch. His case has been rescheduled to May 30 at 10:00 a.m. In the meantime, he gets full pay.
Tech Support Pits From: Renee Re: Google-Earth placemarks Dear Webby, I have Google-Earth placemarks, those .kmz files, but when I send them to people, they can't do anythingwith them. What am I doing wrong? Renee Dear Renee Just the placemark alone does not give them a link to install Google-Earth. Open the program, go to the place that you want to share, rightclick on your placemark and select email. That opens a mail and you can type in the addresses of your friends. They will then get an email that will open Google-Earth, if they have it, and fly to the placemark, or it will help them download and install it. Have FUN DearWebby
Thanks to Kati for this story: Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .....very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
Thanks to Marina for this story: A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?" "No I haven't. What's the problem?" "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!" "Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks. "Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Nylon Stocking For Soap Keep bath soap in an old panty hose leg in the bathtub. You can use the soap and then hang it up after use for drying, so it doesn't get mushy. You can also use this tip in the garden. Hang it from your outdoor water faucet and you can wash after you are done gardening. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered." "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."
If you find your self in Paris this Chateau de Groussay would be awesome to visit.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to SeaBaby for this story: A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of "the redistribution of wealth." She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch member of the other party, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to avoid sharing what he had accumulated. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to my party." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 6 in
1527 German troops began sacking Rome, bringing about the end of the

1529 Babur defeated the Afghan Chiefs in the Battle of Ghagra,

1576 The peace treaty of Chastenoy ended the fifth war of religion. 

1682 King Louis XIV moved his court to Versailles, France. 

1840 The first adhesive postage stamps went on sale in Great

1851 The mechanical refrigerator was patented by Dr. John Gorrie. 

1851 Linus Yale patented the clock-type lock. 

1877 Chief Crazy Horse surrendered to U.S. troops in Nebraska. 

1882 The U.S. Congress passed the Chinese Exclusion Act. The act
barred Chinese immigrants from the U.S. for 10 years. 

1889 The Universal Exposition opened in Paris, France, marking the
dedication of the Eiffel Tower. Also at the exposition was the first
automobile in Paris, the Mercedes-Benz. 

1910 Kind Edward VII of England died. He was succeeded by his second
son, George V. 

1937 The German airship Hindenburg crashed and burned in Lakehurst,
NJ. Thirty-six people (of the 97 on board) were killed. The US had
refused to sell Helium to Hitler's Germany and forced them to use
Hydrogen. Lightning or a flare set it on fire. That ended the
airship vs airplane competition.

1941 Joseph Stalin assumed the Soviet premiership. 

1942 During World War II, the Japanese seized control of the
Philippines. About 15,000 Americans and Filipinos on Corregidor
surrendered to the Japanese. 

1945 Axis Sally made her final propaganda broadcast to Allied

1946 The New York Yankees became the first major league baseball
team to travel by plane. 

1957 U.S. Senator John Fitzgerald Kennedy was awarded the Pulitzer
Prize for his book "Profiles in Courage". 

1959 The Pablo Picasso painting of a Dutch girl was sold for
$154,000 in London. It was the highest price paid (at the time) for
a painting by a living artist. 

1960 Britain's Princess Margaret married Anthony Armstrong Jones.
They were divorced in 1978. 

1960 U.S. President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960. 

1962 The first nuclear warhead was fired from the Polaris submarine.

1981 A jury of international architects and sculptors unanimously
selected Maya Ying Lin's entry for the design of the Vietnam
Veterans Memorial. 

1994 The Channel Tunnel officially opened. The tunnel under the
English Channel links England and France. 

1994 Former Arkansas state worker Paula Jones filed suit against
U.S. President Clinton. The case alleged that he had sexually
harassed her in 1991. 

1997 Army Staff Sgt. Delmar G. Simpson was sentenced to 25 years in
prison for raping six trainees at Aberdeen Proving Ground in

1997 Four health-care companies agreed to a settlement of $600
million to hemophiliacs who had contracted AIDS from tainted blood
between 1978-1985. 

1999 A parole board in New York voted to release Amy Fisher. She had
been in jail for 7 years for shooting her lover's wife, Mary Jo
Buttafuoco, in the face. 

2001 Chandra Levy's parents reported her missing to police in
Washington, DC. Levy's body was found on May 22, 2002 in Rock Creek

2002 "Spider-Man" became the first movie to make more than $100
million in its first weekend.

2018  smiled.

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Extended key codes on laptop 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, May 5

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Naked, masturbating Virginia man found 
stuck in fence near elementary school
Today, May 5 in
1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in the U.S. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. --- Nora Ephron Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought. --- Sir William Osler _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Martin for this report: The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly. * Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it. * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. * The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment. * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car. * The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end. * I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows. * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. * I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. * I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him. * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ I'm ready! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Thanks to Chuck for this story: I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." _______________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Justin James Rutley, 30 Rappahannock, Virginia Naked, masturbating Virginia man found stuck in fence near elementary school A Virginia man arrested near an elementary school was naked and stuck in a fence at the time of his arrest, according to the Stafford County Sheriff’s Office. Justin James Rutley, 30, was charged with indecent exposure, masturbating in public, and disorderly conduct in connection with the April 30th incident near Anne E. Moncure Elementary School, according to WTVR. Deputies were called to the area at about 9:38 that morning when people spotted Rutley stuck in the fence and masturbating near school property, according to deputies. "Upon arrival, the deputy noticed that the suspect’s legs were stuck in the fence and he had no clothes on. The suspect was covered head to toe in scratches from the thickets in the area where he was located," Stafford County Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Amanda Vicinanzo said. "The deputy helped remove the suspect from the fence and covered him in a blanket." Rutley appeared nervous, according to investigators, and made incoherent statements. Deputies recognized his behavior as being consistent with drug use, Vicinanzo said. "The deputy learned several employees in the school had observed the suspect near the fence," Vicinanzo said. "In addition, one witness came forward to report that he had seen the man masturbating while stuck in the fence." Rutley was jailed at Rappahannock Regional Jail without bond.
Tech Support Pits From: Jeannie Re: Extended characters on laptop Dear Webby, Is there a way to use hot keys/key codes on a laptop without using a separate keyboard? I tried a number pad but that didn’t work. Thanks! Jeannie Dear Jeannie You'll have to hit the NUM-LOCK key first to activate the numeric keypad. Yeah, I know it's a real nuisance on many laptops, even just to find where they hit the silly NUM-LOCK key and what wacko symbol they used for it. Personally, I hate laptop keyboards and always take a regular keyboard along when I travel. Measure your carry-on or suitcase first before you buy a travel keyboard, unless you get one of the flexible indestructible keyboards. That one you can just drape over the laptop right in a normal or backpack carry case, or use as a high fashion shawl. I use a back-pack carry-case for my laptop. It makes running through large airports a lot easier and I am not dragging my knuckles on the floor afterwards. If you are interested in the flexible indestructible keyboard, you can get them from GrandTec at for $19 - $25 In HTML it's easy, there you can just use &#, the number and a semi-colon: for example &# and 169 plus a ; makes the copyright sign © Have FUN DearWebby
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- have you never seen a kid before?"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Lilly for this story: 10 days after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch. Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in. "None," I replied. "This isn't my child." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Travel Toiletries Save the travel shampoo and lotions that you get at hotels. If you travel in the future, you will have some travel sized toiletries ready. When you have used up the lotion and shampoo, save the bottles to refill for future trips. Be sure to pack these inside a plastic bag to avoid spills. Tip provided by Nowadays, with nosy security, it is better to avoid carrying possibly dangerous liquids like that, unless you are on your own bike or car. ____________________________________________________ A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________ *How Government Works* Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $2.8 Million over budget, we must cut back overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 5 in
1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second trip to the
Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa Gloria. 

1809 Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a woman. It was
for technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 

1814 The British attacked the American forces at Ft. Ontario,
Oswego, NY. 

1834 The first European mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 

1862 The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as Cinco de
Mayo Day. The Battle of Puebla (Spanish: Batalla de Puebla) (French:
Bataille de Puebla) took place on 5 May 1862, near Puebla City
during the Second French intervention in Mexico. The battle ended in
a victory for the Mexican Army over the occupying French soldiers.

1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in
the U.S. 

1891 Music Hall was dedicated in New York City. It was later renamed
Carnegie Hall. 

1892 The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese Exclusion Act for
10 more years. The act required Chinese in the U.S. to be registered
or face deportation. 

1901 The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at the
Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 

1904 The third perfect game of the major leagues was thrown by Cy
Young (Boston Red Sox) against the Philadelphia Athletics. It was
the first perfect game under modern rules. 

1912 Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began publishing. 

1916 U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 

1917 Eugene Jacques Bullard became the first African-American
aviator when he earned his flying certificate with the French Air

1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was arrested
for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. 

1926 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in Germany
for the first time. 

1926 Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for "Arrowsmith." 

1936 Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on bottle
cap with a pour lip. 

1945 The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi control. 

1945 A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain in
Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed. 

1955 "Damn Yankees" opened on Broadway. 

1955 The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became a
sovereign state. 

1956 Jim Bailey became the first runner to break the four-minute
mile in the U.S. He was clocked at 3:58.5. 

1961 Alan Shepard became the first American in space when he made a
15 minute suborbital flight. 

1984 The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paraná River between Brazil and

1987 The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 

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Clipbook font sizes 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, May 4
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
AZ mother used stun gun to wake 
teen for Easter church service
Today, May 4 in
1715 A French manufacturer debuted the first 
folding umbrella. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised. --- Marilyn Manson (1969 - ), Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. --- Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963) We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. --- David Russell Thanks to Shirley for sending this quote: No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could run for is public office. --- Covert Bailey (fitness expert) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?" The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Thanks to SeaBaby for this story: One day at kindergarten a Teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The Teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The Teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin. Come up here and I'll give you the $10." As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business". _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sharron Dobbins, 40, Phoenix, Arizona AZ mother used stun gun to wake teen for Easter church service An Arizona mother has been charged after using a Taser to get her teenage son up for an Easter Sunday church service, according to police. Investigators arrested 40-year-old Sharron Dobbins, of Phoenix, Sunday morning and booked her into jail on a felony child abuse charge, according to Maricopa County court documents. Dobbins is accused of using the stun gun on her 16-year-old son’s left leg. “Ms. Dobbins stated that she only sparked the Taser to get the kids up for church on Easter and that she never Tased anyone,” the arresting officer wrote in an arrest report obtained by KPHO. Another of Dobbins’ sons, 17, and an 18-year-old nephew witnessed the incident, according to the document. The 16-year-old did not complain of any pain but had two small bumps on his leg where Dobbins allegedly shocked him. Dobbins, who appeared in court and was ordered not to have any contact with her sons, said that both of her sons are on probation. “He has an ankle bracelet on,” Dobbins said of the 16-year-old. “He’s under my custody and everything.” Dobbins said she would make arrangements for the boy to live elsewhere as she awaits her next hearing on April 16. Dobbins was released to pre-trial services on her own recognizance.
Tech Support Pits From: Toby Re: Clickbook Dear Webby, Have some questions about ClickBook printing. When I print the type size is so small I can hardly read it, and when I go to No Scaling, all the sentence is not printed. I cannot find any information on CB help. I know this will reduce the paper saving option, but it will be printed in a more favorable format. Thanks for your daily read. Keep up the good work. Toby Dear Toby Definitely don't use "No Scaling" ! I normally use Side-by-side, folded. Most e-books are formatted so that they wind up with the same font size as regular, store-bought paperback books when printed with ClickBook. (all the Pro's use it.) It has been quite a few years since I had to rip and reformat an e-book. If it is your own writing, for e-books (and anything that is to be printed front and back 4 pages per sheet), use font size 14. Arial, Tahoma and Verdana are the easiest readable fonts. Right now my printer is just a-rocking on the rather flexible snack cart, that it sits on, printing out an 88 page e-book on 22 sheets of paper. Quite readable even though I had left the printer in toner-saving mode. Have FUN DearWebby
Thanks to Roland for this story: When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde." "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
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Thanks to Dave for this story: The band was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The high schoolers, eager to get ready for the first football game, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Little Johnny, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" Another student asked. "Nope," Johnny replied. "B-flat."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Thanks to Martin for this story: Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Connecticut. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Iowa. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Georgia girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything ... The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Stubborn Drawers and Doors When dirt and dust builds up on drawer and sliding door runners, they can become squeaky and tough to open and shut. To fix this, rub a bar of soap or a piece of paraffin wax on the runners. This will act as lubrication and allow the runners to slide smoothly. Tip provided by If the runners or sliders are teflon or nylon, clean them with a tough kitchen sponge and clean, hot dishwater. They work best when perfectly clean. If necessary, use windex to remove old wax or soap. Wax or soap should only be used on bare wooden runners. Have FUN! Dear Webby ____________________________________________________ Laura's husband, Ron, was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue." "Yes, I know." said Ron. "It's my wife Laura, she is out of control." "Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker. "Frankly," replied Ron with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."
Journey the Top of Europe – Tour du Mont Blanc
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Mary for this story: A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 4 in
1471 In England, the Yorkists defeated the Landcastrians at the
battle of Tewkesbury in the War of the Roses. 

1493 Alexander VI divided non-Christian world between Spain and

1626 Dutch explorer Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan Island. Native
Americans later sold the island (20,000 acres) for $24 in cloth and

1715 A French manufacturer debuted the first folding umbrella. 

1776 Rhode Island declared its freedom from England two months
before the Declaration of Independence was adopted. 

1814 Napoleon Bonaparte disembarked at Portoferraio on the island of
Elba in the Mediterranean. 

1863 The Battle of Chancellorsville ended when the Union Army

1886 A bomb exploded on the fourth day of a workers' strike in
Chicago, IL. Eight people died in the violence during violence that

1886 Chichester Bell and Charles S. Tainter patented the gramophone.
It was the first practical phonograph. 

1904 The U.S. formally took control of the property for construction
of the Panama Canal. 

1916 Germany agreed to limit its submarine warfare after a demand
from U.S. President Wilson. 

1942 The Battle of the Coral Sea commenced as American and Japanese
carriers launched their attacks at each other. 

1942 The United States began food rationing. 

1961 Thirteen civil rights activists, dubbed "Freedom Riders," began
a bus trip through the South. 

1970 The Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on students during an
anti-Vietnam war protest at Kent State University. Four students
were killed and nine others were wounded. 

1979 Margaret Thatcher became Britain's first woman prime minister. 

1981 The Federal Reserve Board raised its discount rate to 14%. 

1987 Live models were used for the first time in Playtex bra ads. 

1994 Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO leader Yasser
Arafat signed a historic accord on Palestinian autonomy that granted
self-rule in the Gaza Strip and Jericho. 

2000 The citizens of London elected their mayor for the first time. 

2003 Idaho Gem was born. He was the first member of the horse family
to be cloned. 

2010 Pablo Picasso's "Nude, Green Leaves and Bust" sold for $106.5

2012 In Las Vegas, NV, Google received the first self-driving
vehicle testing license. 

2018  smiled.

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Newsletter delivery times 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, May 3

I have a Doc appointment in the afternoon to renew my prescription
list, so I stepped on my scale. Saw that I had lost 5 kg (10 lb) and
I am down to a dapper 81 kg! I must be doing something right!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man dies after Jacksonville traffic stop 
when he tries to swallow bags
Today, May 3 in
1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ At the present rate of progress, it is almost impossible to imagine any technical feat that cannot be achieved, if it can be achieved at all, within the next few hundred years. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order embalming, burial or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Swiss Village _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says Father." The second one chirps up, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic lady says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your eminence'." The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, Well...?" She replies, "My son is a 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into in a room, all the women say, "Oh, my God....." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award has been earned by (Old mug shot) Rudolph Gipson, 44, Jacksonville, Florida Man dies after Jacksonville traffic stop when he tries to swallow bags A man is dead after he attempted to swallow something during a routine traffic stop, the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office said. Rudolph Gipson, 44, was pulled over at West 13th Street and Wilson around 10 p.m. Sunday night, JSO said. JSO suspected the man was impaired and conducted a sobriety test. During the test, they suspected Gipson had something in his mouth. JSO asked Gipson to spit out what was in his mouth, but he attempted to swallow it, JSO said, and began to throw up blood. The two bags contained white powder, JSO said. Rescue was called and Gipson was taken to a Jacksonville hospital, but the man died. JSO said Gipson had a long history of arrests for drugs and weapons. The officer who pulled him over is on administrative leave, which is department protocol.
Tech Support Pits From: John Re: Humor Letter delivery times Dear Webby, There are three folks at this address using the same computer and of course the same internet service. The question is why do I receive your Humor letter first via Yahoo while one using gmail and the other using peoplepc receive your Humor letter later? Just curious. Thank You John Dear John New subscriptions are added to the end of the list. If their gmail address is a few thousand lines farther down, then naturally it will arrive later. Because of the pictures, it takes a few seconds for each letter. If there are time constraints, for example someone trying to get it before going to work, tell me what the address is, and I'll manually move it to the top. Have FUN DearWebby
Thanks to Martin for this story: Priceless, even though it's a classic TAIL GATING: A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I had to assume you had stolen the car."
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More Light Bulbs How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? One-third less than for a regular bulb. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? Ooooonnnnnnnne. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a nether world of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? Change? How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny! How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs! How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! How does a home schooler change a light bulb? First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little girl if she was excited about the new baby. "Oh, yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it quits!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Labeling Leftovers When you bring leftover food home from a restaurant, write the date on the outside of the box (or bag) with a large pen. Write on the side of the box (or bag) so you can easily see the date when you look in the fridge. This works as a reminder that you need to eat the leftovers. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
___________________________________________________ Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to usin' paper." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 3 in
1568 French forces in Florida slaughtered hundreds of Spanish. 

1802 Washington, DC, was incorporated as a city. 

1859 France declared war on Austria. 

1888 Thomas Edison organized the Edison Phonograph Works. 

1916 Irish nationalist Padraic Pearse and two others were executed
by the British for their roles in the Easter Rising. 

1921 West Virginia imposed the first state sales tax. 

1926 In Britain, trade unions began a general strike. 

1927 Francis E.J. Wilde of Meadowmere Park, NY, patented the
electric sign flasher. 

1933 The U.S. Mint was under the direction of a woman for the first
time when Nellie Ross took the position. 

1937 Margaret Mitchell won a Pulitzer Prize for "Gone With The

1944 Wartime rationing of most grades of meats ended in the U.S. 

1944 Dr. Robert Woodward and Dr. William Doering produced the first
synthetic quinine at Harvard University. 

1945 Indian forces captured Rangoon, Burma, from the Japanese. 

1948 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that covenants prohibiting the
sale of real estate to blacks and other minorities were legally

1952 The first airplane landed at the geographic North Pole. 

1968 After three days of battle, the U.S. Marines retook Dai Do
complex in Vietnam. They found that the North Vietnamese had
evacuated the area. 

1971 Anti-war protesters began four days of demonstrations in
Washington, DC. 

1971 James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King's assassin, was caught in a
jailbreak attempt. 

1986 In NASA's first post-Challenger launch, an unmanned Delta
rocket lost power in its main engine shortly after liftoff. Safety
officers destroyed it by remote control. 

1988 The White House acknowledged that first lady Nancy Reagan had
used astrological advice to help schedule her husband's activities. 

1992 Five days of rioting and looting ended in Los Angeles, CA. The
riots, that killed 53 people, began after the acquittal of police
officers in the beating of Rodney King. 

1997 The "Republic of Texas" surrendered to authorities ending an
armed standoff where two people were held hostage. The group asserts
the independence of Texas from the U.S. 

1998 "The Sevres Road," by 18-century landscape painter Camille
Corot, stolen from the Louvre in France. 

1999 Mark Manes, at age 22, was arrested for supplying a gun to Eric
Harris and Dylan Kleibold, who later killed 13 people at Columbine
High School in Colorado. 

2006 In Alexandria, VA, Al-Quaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was
given a sentence of life in prison for his role in the terrorist
attack on the U.S. on September 11, 2001. 

2018  smiled.

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Tripod bolt to fit all cameras 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, May 2

We goy our first rain in 2018!
Just 1/2", but it blackened the roads.
If this keeps up, I'll be dusting off the lawn mower before
the end of May.

I re-connected the hose to the rain barrel, and laid it out
to the raspberries. Soon they will sprout little leaves and
I can cut the old, dead vines out.
It is a pretty good guess that the worst part of winter is over.

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Chase leads to Hartford crash and 
capture of wanted man
Today, May 2 in
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's 
King Charles II. They are still in business!
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months. --- Bill Tammeus _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ April 2018 _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises. The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!" "See, you're getting smarter already." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joseph Barreto, 24, Hartford, Connecticut Chase leads to Hartford crash and capture of wanted man A dramatic early morning chase through the streets of Hartford's south end on Saturday ended in a crash, and the capture of a man wanted by police since another crash that happened in February. According to Hartford Police Dept. spokesman Lt. Paul Cicero, at about 7:30 Saturday morning police and fire personnel were called to the area of New Britain Avenue and Zion Street for a report of person in a parked car who might have been in medical distress. When they got there, police said the driver woke up, and took off in the car. As he did, he hit a Hartford Fire Department truck, but continued west on New Britain Avenue until he hit a utility pole and then crashed into an unoccupied house off Nepaug Street. The driver had leg injuries and was taken into custody and given medical care. A gun was found in the car. When police identified the driver, they knew why he fled. Joseph Barreto, 24, was wanted in connection with a deadly car crash on February 19 at the intersection of Ward and Zion streets. Police believe that Barreto was driving a car stolen out of New Britain, ran a red light causing a fatal accident, and then ran away. Barreto was also wanted for a seperate incident, a shooting, on Tuesday. The charges from those previous incidents include first-degree criminal attempted assault, unlawful discharge of a firearm, second- degree manslaughter, and other charges. He is being held in lieu of $750,000 bail.
Tech Support Pits From: Renee Re: Camera tripod bolt Dear Webby, You mentioned it once before a few years ago, but I forgot. What type of special bolt is used on a tripod to hold the camera? I don't have a tripod, but I want to use a stepladder for taking the Christmas pictures. I have an older Canon G2 with a remote control key-fob, if that makes a difference. Renee Dear Renee It makes no difference. All cameras use the common 1/4" coarse (1/4" x 20) bolt, no matter where the camera was made. The trick is to use a long bolt and a wing nut, with the wings facing towards the bolt head. Stick the bolt through a hole in a ladder step. Turn the bolt just barely finger tight into the camera, then tighten the wing nut below the step. Gently! Better than bolting the camera to your ladder, bolt it to a big alligator clamp, like they are used for welding cables or automotive jumper cables. That gives you as many ways to adjust and aim the camera as a tripod. Have FUN DearWebby
Bambi, a young cutie sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here over the heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Bambi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar -- effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Chanowski and his drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . See those guys over there ? Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks? '' he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Mineral Deposits in a Clothes Iron When the vents in your iron get clogged with mineral deposits, it will not function properly. If you use distilled water when you iron the deposits will no longer be a problem. To remove mineral deposits, put equal parts of vinegar and water in your iron and turn it on the highest setting. Let the steam work it's way through the iron until the clogs have cleared. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Wife: I want to know if I have grounds for a divorce. Lawyer: Are you married? Wife: Yes, of course. Lawyer: Then you have grounds.
Austria is a beautiful country, where our own Dear Webby is from. :)
By chance, the first picture there is the town, where I went to Univeristy! ___________________________________________________ Judy finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house,and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Judy is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 2 in
1670 The Hudson Bay Company was founded by England's King Charles
II. They are still in business!

1776 France and Spain agreed to donate arms to American rebels
fighting the British. 

1797 A mutiny in the British navy spread from Spithead to the rest
of the fleet. 

1798 The black General Toussaint L’ouverture forced British troops
to agree to evacuate the port of Santo Domingo. 

1808 The citizens of Madrid rose up against Napoleon. 

1813 Napoleon defeated a Russian and Prussian army at Grossgorschen.

1853 Franconi’s Hippodrome opened at Broadway and 23rd Street in New
York City. 

1863 Confederate Gen. Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson was wounded by his
own men in the battle of Chancellorsville, VA. He died 8 days later.

1865 U.S. President Andrew Johnson offered $100,000 reward for the
capture of Confederate President Jefferson Davis. 

1885 The Congo Free State was established by King Leopold II of

1885 The magazine "Good Housekeeping" was first published. 

1887 Hannibal W. Goodwin applied for a patent on celluloid
photographic film. This is the film from which movies are shown. 

1902 "A Trip to the Moon," the first science fiction film was
released. It was created by magician George Melies. 

1926 In India, Hindu women gained the right to seek elected office. 

1926 U.S. Marines landed in Nicaragua to put down a revolt and to
protect U.S. interests. They did not depart until 1933. 

1933 Hitler banned trade unions in Germany and ended depression.

1941 Hostilities broke out between British forces in Iraq and that
country’s pro-German faction. 

1941 The Federal Communications Commission agreed to let regular
scheduling of TV broadcasts by commercial TV stations begin on July
1, 1941. This was the start of network television. 

1945 Russians took Berlin after 12 days of fierce house-to-house
fighting in areas, that had not been bombed to rubble by the US. The
Allies announced the surrender of Nazi troops in Italy and parts of
Austria. In other parts of Austria people had buried their guns
months before.

1946 Prisoners revolted at California's Alcatraz prison. 

1960 Caryl Chessman was executed. He was a convicted sex offender
and had become a best selling author while on death row. 

1965 The "Early Bird" satellite was used to transmit television
pictures across the Atlantic. 

1969 The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) made its maiden voyage.

1970 Student anti-war protesters at Ohio's Kent State University
burn down the campus ROTC building. The National Guard took control
of the campus. 

1974 Former U.S. Vice President Spiro T. Agnew was disbarred by the
Maryland Court of Appeals. 

1974 The filming of "Jaws" began in Martha's Vineyard, MA. 

1982 The British submarine HMS Conqueror sank Argentina's only
cruiser, the General Belgrano during the Falkland Islands War. More
than 350 people died. 

1994 Nelson Mandela claimed victory after South Africa's first
democratic elections. 

1999 In Panama, Mireya Moscoso de Grubar, of the Armulfista Party,
was elected president. 

2002 It was reported that Phyllis Diller had retired from touring. 

2011 U.S. soldiers killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan.

2018  smiled.

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Camera batteries for traveling 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, May 1

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Pedophiles tenderized, painted and 
tied to park bench
Today, May 1 in
1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, 
made its first flight. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. --- Evan Esar Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. --- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. --- Ron Nesen _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better!." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Chines Firefighters conducting a jump rope drill are simply amazing! 3 minutes of skipping rope without a single trip! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope to the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. "The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jason Lydiard, 26(left), James White, 48, Armagh, Northern Ireland Pedophiles tenderized, painted and tied to park bench Two sex offenders who were on the run from police were doused in blue paint and tied to a bench in a citizen’s arrest. James White, 48, and Jason Lydiard, 26, also known as Alexis Guesto, were spotted in south Armagh, Northern Ireland, by people who recognised them from police appeals. White and Lydiard, both convicted paedophiles, were spotted in footage shared on social media with their hands tied behind their backs, having been covered in paint. Police said they had sustained injuries in the arrest and had been taken to hospital for treatment, as they warned against ‘vigilante justice’. Detective Chief Inspector Jill Duffie, from PSNI Public Protection Branch, said: ‘I understand that feelings in the area have been running high over the search for these men, however, there can never be an excuse for violence or people taking the law into their own hands. ‘We will be investigating the assault and working to identify anyone involved.’ Concerned residents raised the alarm on Thursday when a blue Peugeot 206 the pair had been travelling in was found with all four of its tyres slashed outside a church. Both men were wanted for a range of offences, including breach of license and warrants, with police making a widespread appeal for help tracking them down.
Tech Support Pits From: Sharon Re: Camera Batteries Dear Webby, I really enjoy your humor. It is so nice to read good clean jokes & nice pics. I have a question about camera batteries. I have an inexpensive Kodak digital camera & use rechageable batteries in it. Later this year I plan to fly to Calif. I will of course be taking the camera. I plan to pack it in my checked baggage. What I am curious about is it better to take the batteries out of the camera before packing? Also should I do the same w/ the memory card. Thanks for your help. Sharon Dear Sharon The planes they use nowadays are much faster than the stage coach and your flight to California is not going to take much longer than your usual trips to the mall. Don't worry about the batteries or the memory chip. If you take along a bag full of spare batteries, definitely put them into the checked luggage, along with everything else that might look suspicious on the X-ray. Anything that has an ON/OFF switch shold be securely taped in the OFF position. Luggage is NOT handled gently, and all the stories about electric devices miraculously turning themselves on and causing a lot of embarrassment are not jokes. If there is ANY sound coming from your suitcase, you have to unpack it while surrounded by security guards with explosive shields and drawn guns pointed at you. It even happened to my nephew, when rough luggage handling in Vancouver turned his battery powered razor on. Have FUN DearWebby A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. We ran out of anesthetic and need a good, solid rock."
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Jackie and her husband were foster parents years ago. At one point they had a 4-year-old girl they were quite attached to. Jackie thought she had done a good job in teaching her manners, good behavior, etc. So when the 4-year-old said to her one day, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you!" Jackie's heart swelled with pride... until the 4-year-old finished her sentence... "so that I can reach the @#$%@# light switch by myself!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
When Amanda's son was 6, they were going to Amanda's mother's house where he was going to spend the night. He had been playing on Amanda's nerves the entire day and finally, right before they pulled into Amanda's mother's driveway, she put the standard "mother's curse" on him, saying, "When you grow up, I hope you have a child just like you." He looked at Amanda with big crocodile tears in his eyes and said, "Gee, Mommy, I thought you wanted me to be happy!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Use Online Resources For Driving Directions If you have an appointment somewhere that you haven't been before, use a free online website like or to get driving directions. You can enter your starting location, your destination and get step by step directions, including a map. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ An Irish mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replies," Heck if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat, and then all hell broke loose!"
___________________________________________________ Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, May 1 in
0408 Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of Constantinople. 

1308 King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he refused
his share of the Habsburg lands. 

1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund an
expedition to the West Indies. 

1707 England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great Britain. 

1805 The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed slaves
to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or deportation. 

1863 In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began. General
Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union troops under
General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was
mortally wounded by his own soldiers in this battle. (May 1-4) 

1867 Reconstruction in the South began with black voter

1877 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal troops
from the South, ending Reconstruction. 

1883 William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West Show. 

1884 The construction of the first American 10-story building began
in Chicago, IL. 

1889 Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The Atlanta
Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug business as "sole
proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious. Refreshing. Exhilarating.
Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not actually achieve sole ownership
until 1891 at a cost of $2,300. 

1898 The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at Manila
Bay in the Philippines. 

1905 In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 

1915 A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 

1927 Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 

1931 The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and opened.
It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building in the world at
the time. 

1934 The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for

1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of neutrality,
keeping the United States out of World War II. 

1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made its first

1945 Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler, escaped from
the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on Berlin. 

1945 Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the Third
Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed suicide. 

1948 The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was

1958 James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts encircled

1960 Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over the
Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 

1961 Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections in

1967 Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua. 

1968 In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the support of
naval fire, continue their attack on a North Vietnamese Division at
Dai Do village. 

1969 Leonard Tose bought the NFL's Philadelphia Eagles for

1970 Students at Kent State University riot in downtown Kent, OH, in
protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 

1971 The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went into
service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run the nation's
intercity railroads. 

1981 The Japanese government announced that it would limit passenger
car exports to the United States over the next three years. 

1986 The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear power plant

1986 Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford
Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of 212.229

1989 Disney-MGM Studios opened. 

1992 On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting from the
Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public to appeal for
calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 

1998 Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts that
lacked federal approval in the U.S. 

1999 On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers discovered
the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in June of 1924 while
trying to become the first person to reach the summit of Everest. At
the time of the discovery it was unclear whether or not Mallory had
actually reached the summit. 

2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her remains were
found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002. California Congressman
Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with

2011 U.S. soldiers killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan.

2018  smiled.

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Bulk deleting old Gmails 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, April 30

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
London Marathon faker is in jail now
Today, April 30 in
1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public domain. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. --- William Blake (1757 - 1827) University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Rosie for this story: My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started." Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair. "Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Yeah, I remember those, but have a mental block against their name. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Stanley Skupien, 38, London, England London Marathon scammer who stole race number, in jail now. Stanley Skupien claimed another man’s medal after running the final two miles of London Marathon Stanley Skupien, 38, who sleeps rough at Heathrow Airport, told the Sun that crossing the finish line was a ‘dream come true’. Runner Jake Halliday lost his race number after he hit 24 miles, and despite only have a few more miles to go he was unable to finish without it. Jake, 28, from Edinburgh, was disqualified after raising £48,000 for blood cancer charity Bloodwise. Stanley told the publication: ‘I saw the number face-up in the middle of the road. I knew if I had one I would get a medal – my heart leaped, it was a dream come true. I had no thoughts of the person whose number it was.’ He said he was in tears when a woman put the medal around his neck and told min ‘well done.’ Stanley added: ‘It was my biggest moment ever.’ A Facebook post by Peter Mowbray caught the ‘cheat’ after spotting the official finish line photos of Stanley wearing Jake’s number. He wrote: ‘I couldn’t believe this so we went on the Virgin London Marathon website and you can clearly see Jake’s number and you can clearly see the pictures of Jake are completely different to the guy with his number at the end. ‘To see this man smiling and postulating with someone else’s medal made me personally very very angry. I felt very sick at first.’ Stanley, a Polish-born builder, said he ‘feels bad for Jake’. He was arrested at Heathrow on Tuesday on an unrelated theft charge. A London Marathon spokesman said: ‘We are aware a man was arrested at Heathrow. We are now awaiting further information.’
Tech Support Pits From: Renate Re: Bulk delete Gmails Dear Webby, My Gmail is close to locking up. I am at 99%. Gmail doesn't have any function to delete entire years. They say it would lock up their servers. I am sure you have a trick to go around that! What do I do? Renate Dear Renate There IS a way around their restrictions, but it is not easy. First, make some hot keys in Gmail. Go into settings, Keyboard shortcuts and make ` a shortcut for Select All on the page Yes `, the key to the left of the 1 Then make the 1 the shortcut for "Delete Selected". Those 2 will be your power tools. Then set the number of mails per page to 100. You can't go higher, somebody is worried you would lock up their servers. Now dump the TRASH and the SPAM folder. You are never going to look at them anyway. OK, now paste this into the search line on top: before:2016/01/01 (You can, of course, use any date as the deadline) Next hover over the "1-100 of many" button and select "Oldest" You may have to play with that a bit. Now you see the mail that is from before 2016. 100 of them anyway. If the mails that show are not from before 2016, then you missed a step. Once you see the mails from before 2016, hit your left power tool. ` 100 mails are selected. Now hit the second power tool: "1" Those selected mails are gone. It will take a while, when you have nearly 15 GB of mail, but it will work. Now just toggle between ` and 1 Each time you hit ` a hundred mails are selected, and when you hit 1, those are dumped. This finger exercise is perfect for when you are on the phone, or if your cyber lover is a slow typist. After each session, dump the trash. Your finger exercises just re- assign the location of the mails from INBOX to TRASH. They are still there, just their cap has been turned backwards. Dumping the trash gets rid of them. You will soon have plenty of elbow room in your Gmail. Have FUN DearWebby Thanks to Ross for this story: Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks." He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circum- stance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Maxine, the platinum blonde, reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes / No answers. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, took a quarter out of her purse. She started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "N" for tails. Within 30 minutes she was all done whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, Maxine frantically started flipping the coin again. The moderator, concerned about what she was doing, stopped by her desk and asked if she was ok. "Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago--but," explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back through and checking my answers!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Use Online Resources For Driving Directions If you have an appointment somewhere that you haven't been before, use a free online website like or to get driving directions. You can enter your starting location, your destination and get step by step directions, including a map. Tip provided by NEVER check for shortest distance! Always check for shortest time. A shortest distance route will often zigzag you trough a busy downtown with thousands of stop signs and traffic lights and you could waste a day getting through Phoenix, Az, for example. The fastest route will be a few miles more, but without a single stop sign. Also check the highway reports for the area and then take a zoomed out overview and apply common sense. You may decide to add a midway point to drag the route away from an area with lots of construction. Half an hour on the net can save you a lot of aggravation and gas and time. Once I have my route nailed down, I usually print it with ClickBook in 4 page per sheet paperback book size. Especially on a long trip, a neat little booklet is a lot easier to use than a stack of full size loose sheets. By the way, you don't need a special printer for that. Any printer will do. All you need is the ClickBook program. Highly recommended! I also use it to print out e-books in paperback size front and back printed. Saves a lot on paper and ink and makes nice, compact booklets. ____________________________________________________ >From Rosie My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
Concrete patch gone wrong.
___________________________________________________ Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do *you* know, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so" "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil, I will give up drinking for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no-one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple Southern Comfort on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the Southern Comfort in a teacup?" "Oh no! Is that the mayor dressed up as a Nun again, is she?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, April 30 in
0030 Jesus of Nazareth was crucified. 

0313 Licinius unified the whole of the eastern empire under his own

1250 King Louis IX of France was ransomed for one million dollars. 

1527 Henry VIII and King Francis of France signed the treaty of

1725 Spain withdrew from Quadruple Alliance. 

1789 George Washington took office as first elected U.S. president. 

1803 The U.S. purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for $15

1812 Louisiana admitted as the 18th U.S. state. 

1849 The republican patriot and guerrilla leader Giuseppe Garabaldi
repulsed a French attack on Rome. 

1864 Work began on the Dams along the Red River. The work would
allow Union General Nathaniel Banks' troops to sail over the rapids
above Alexandria, Louisiana. 

1889 George Washington's inauguration became the first U.S. national

1900 Hawaii was organized as an official U.S. territory. 

1900 Casey Jones was killed while trying to save the runaway train
"Cannonball Express." 

1930 The Soviet Union proposed a military alliance with France and
Great Britain. 

1938 Happy Rabbit appeared in the cartoon "Porky's Hare Hunt." This
rabbit would later evolve into Bugs Bunny. 

1939 The first railroad car equipped with fluorescent lights was put
into service. The train car was known as the "General Pershing

1943 The British submarine HMS Seraph dropped 'the man who never
was,' a dead man the British planted with false invasion plans, into
the Mediterranean off the coast of Spain. 

1945 Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committed suicide. They had been
married for one day. One week later Germany surrendered

1947 The name of Boulder Dam, in Nevada, was changed back to Hoover

1948 The Organization of American States (OAS) held its first
meeting in Bogota, Colombia. The institution's goal was to
facilitate better relations between the member nations and to help
prevent the spread of communism in the Western Hemisphere. 

1952 Mr. Potato Head became the first toy to be advertised on
network television. 

1953 The British West Indian colonies agreed on the formation of the
British Caribbean Federation that would eventually become a self-
governing unit in the British Commonwealth. 

1964 The FCC ruled that all TV receivers should be equipped to
receive both VHF and UHF channels. 

1968 U.S. Marines attacked a division of North Vietnamese in the
village of Dai Do. 

1970 U.S. troops invaded Cambodia to disrupt North Vietnamese Army
base areas. The announcement by U.S. President Nixon led to
widespread protests. 

1972 The North Vietnamese launched an invasion of the South. 

1973 U.S. President Nixon announced resignation of Haldeman,
Ehrlichman, and other top aides. 

1975 Communists North Vietnamese troops entered the Independence
Palace of South Vietnam in Saigon. 11 Marines lifted off of the U.S.
Embassy roof were the last soldiers to evacuate. 

1980 Terrorists seized the Iranian Embassy in London. 

1984 U.S. President Reagan signed cultural and scientific agreements
with China. He also signed a tax accord that would make it easier
for American companies to operate in China. 

1991 An estimated 125,000 people were killed in a cyclone that hit

1993 CERN put the World Wide Web software in the public domain. 

1993 Monica Seles was stabbed in the back during a tennis match in
Hamburg, Germany. The man called himself a fan of second- ranked
Steffi Graf. He was convicted of causing grievous bodily harm and
received a suspended sentence. 

1998 NATO was expanded to include Poland, Hungary and the Czech
Republic. The three nations were formally admitted the following
April at NATO's 50th anniversary summit. 

1998 United and Delta airlines announced their alliance that would
give them control of 1/3 of all U.S. passenger seats. 

1998 In the U.S., Federal regulators fined a contractor $2.25
million for improper handling of oxygen canisters on ValuJet that
crashed in the Florida Everglades in 1996. 

2002 Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf was overwhelmingly
approved for another five years as president. 

2012 One World Trade Center became the tallest structure in New York
when it surpassed the height of the Empire State Building. 

2015 NASA's Messenger spacecraft crashed into the surface of
Mercury. The space probe had sent back more than 270,000 pictures to

2018  smiled.

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MailWasher and Gmail 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, April 29

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man jailed after giving middle finger 
to speed camera
Today, April 29 in
1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los Angeles
policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54 people were killed in
3 days. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ When you come to a fork in the road, take it. --- Yogi Berra (1925 - ) If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. --- Lewis Carroll (1832 - 1898) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Lola is on the phone, "Hello? Pizza Shack? Do you have anything on special?" From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie haters delight. It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses. Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?" "A coupon for the gym." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ In the next block, you say? _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Timothy Hill, 67, North Yorkshire, England Man Jailed After Flipping Off Traffic Camera While Using Laser Jammer A driver who flipped the bird at a traffic camera is about to be a jailbird. A court in England has sentenced Timothy Hill, 67, to eight months in prison after he was caught using an illegal laser jammer to avoid speeding tickets. While investigating him for the infraction, the 67-year-old was spotted behind the wheel of his Range Rover while giving the middle finger to mobile traffic cameras on three separate occasions, SWNS reports. “If you want to attract our attention, repeatedly gesturing at police camera vans with your middle finger while you’re driving a distinctive car fitted with a laser jammer is an excellent way to do it,” the head of traffic enforcement for North Yorkshire said after the sentencing. Hill initially denied the accusations against him, but later fessed up after admitting he’d thrown the device into a river in an attempt to avoid prosecution. He pleaded guilty to perverting the course of justice, but wasn’t charged with speeding since the jammer prevented police from determining how fast he was driving.
Tech Support Pits From: George Re: MailWasher and Gmail Dear Webby, How would MailWasher work on the web based email programs like gmail? Also, can you tell me anything about how to transfer audio tapes to MP3s? I have some Books on Tape that I want on the computer. George Dear George Yes you can: In GMail: Click Settings > Forwarding and POP > POP Download > Check Enable POP only for mail that arrives from now on. Go to: When messages are accessed with POP and choose Delete Gmails copy. Click Save changes. In MailWasher Pro: Click Tools > Accounts > Add > select POP3 > click OK. Enter a name reference for your account and click Next. Enter in the POP3 server address field. Enter your full GMail email address in the User Name field. Enter your GMail password in the Password field. Click Advanced Account Options. Check the box next to This server requires a secure connection (SSL) under Incoming Mail (POP3). The port will change to 995. Click OK. Click OK. Click Close. To convert analog tapes to digital data, you need to play them, and record them digitally. The rude and crude way for that is to lay your computer microphone on top of your tape player's speaker, and use a program like Audacity to record it and save it as MP3 or MP4. If your tape player has a head set socket, you can connect a patch cord (male on both ends) from there to the AUX IN socket on your computer. (The blue one) That way you eliminate outside noises and get a much cleaner recording. Most recorder programs have at least some basic equalizer and filter functions that allow you to clip the crackle and pop which is quite common on tape recordings, and you wind up with better quality than you started out with. Same as with a tape recorder, you can patch other devices to the AUX IN, like for example a record player, CD player, radio and even electronic instruments. Have FUN DearWebby Groan Alert! There once was a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized old bones, so if you have yourself buried,all you will be doing . . . is making a fuel of yourself!"
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
God and Men's Sex Lives When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty." "May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together." "Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Shampoo for Ring Around the Collar The easiest way to get rid of ring around the collar is to use shampoo. Just use a small paintbrush and paint it on the stains before washing. By Dee Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a check. The mugger said dumbfounded, "A check? Why would I take a check from you? I don't even know you!"
The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________ Breaking Up Is Hard To Do... (especially when you share the same major!) PSYCHOLOGY Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother. SOCIOLOGY Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship. ARCHAEOLOGY One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up. THEATRE "OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!" BIOLOGY "You just wanted to get in my genes!" PHYSICS Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down. JOURNALISM "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..." WOMEN'S STUDIES "HE did it!" BUSINESS Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single. HISTORY Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past. GEOGRAPHY Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other. ANATOMY "I never liked your body anyway." ECONOMICS One party demands more than the other can supply. ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, April 29 in
1289 Qala'un, the Sultan of Egypt, captured Tripoli. 

1429 Joan of Arc led Orleans, France, to victory over Britain. 

1661 The Chinese Ming dynasty occupied Taiwan. 

1672 King Louis XIV of France invaded the Netherlands. 

1813 Rubber was patented by J.F. Hummel. 

1852 The first edition of Peter Roget's Thesaurus was published. 

1858 Austrian troops invaded Piedmont. 

1862 New Orleans fell to Union forces during the Civil War. 

1879 In Cleveland, OH, electric arc lights were used for the first

1913 Gideon Sundback patented an all-purpose zipper. 

1916 Irish nationalists surrendered to British authorities in

1918 Germany's Western Front offensive ended in World War I. 

1924 An open revolt broke out in Santa Clara, Cuba. 

1927 Construction of the Spirit of St. Louis was completed for

1941 The Boston Bees agreed to change their name to the Braves. 

1945 The German Army in Italy surrendered unconditionally to the

1945 In a bunker in Berlin, Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun were married.
Hitler designated Admiral Karl Doenitz his successor. 

1945 The Nazi death camp, Dachau, was liberated. 

1946 Twenty-eight former Japanese leaders were indicted in Tokyo as
war criminals. 

1952 IBM President Thomas J. Watson, Jr., informed his company's
stockholders that IBM was building "the most advanced, most flexible
high-speed computer in the world." The computer was unveiled April
7, 1953, as the IBM 701 Electronic Data Processing Machine. 

1974 U.S. President Nixon announced he was releasing edited
transcripts of secretly made White House tape recordings related to
the Watergate scandal. 

1975 The U.S. embassy in Vietnam was evacuated as North Vietnamese
forces fought their way into Saigon. 

1984 In California, the Diablo Canyon nuclear reactor went online
after a long delay due to protests. 

1990 The destruction of the Berlin Wall began. 

1992 Exxon executive Sidney Reso was kidnapped outside his Morris
Township, NJ, home by Arthur Seale. Seale was a former Exxon
security official. Reso died while in captivity. 

1992 Rioting began after a jury decision to acquit four Los Angeles
policemen in the Rodney King beating trial. 54 people were killed in
3 days. 

1994 Israel and the PLO signed an agreement in Paris which granted
Palestinians broad authority to set taxes, control trade and
regulate banks under self-rule in the Gaza Strip and Jericho. 

1997 Staff Sgt. Delmar Simpson, a drill instructor at Aberdeen
Proving Ground in Maryland, was convicted of raping six female
trainees. He was sentenced to 25 years in prison and was
dishonorably discharged. 

1997 Astronaut Jerry Linenger and cosmonaut Vasily Tsibliyev went on
the first U.S.-Russian space walk. 

1998 The U.S., Canada and Mexico end tariffs on $1 billion in NAFTA

1998 Brazil announced a plan to protect a large area of Amazon
forest. The area was about the size of Colorado. 

2003 Mr. T (Laurence Tureaud) filed a lawsuit against Best Buy Co.
Inc., that claimed the store did not have permission to use his
likeness in a print ad. 

2009 NATO expelled two Russian diplomats from NATO headquarters in
Brussels over a spy scandal in Estonia. Russia's Foreign Ministry
criticized the expulsions. 

2015 The White Sox beat the Baltimore Orioles 8-2 at Camden Yards.
The game was played without a crowd present due to the ongoing riots
and protests in Baltimore. This was the first time a Major League
Baseball game was played in front of an empty house. 

2018  smiled.

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Spam epidemic 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, April 28

Will rogers's famous quote:"there's no trick to being a humorist
when you have the whole government working for you.", is obsolete.
The left wing alone is mopre than enough.

The official witch hunt is winding down and as stale as obama's fake
birth certificate, so now broom hilda's hog claims that putin is
funding the nra. 

He might be a good hypnotist and some day follow in al gore's and
obama's footsteps, but right now one wonders what the hell is that
kid smoking! Whatever it is, it should be illegal, if it isn't

Putin is not, I repat, not, interested in an armed america.
It's not that he plans to attack and take alaska back, he is
concerned about his peons wanting to be as armed as the americans.

While putin might have joked over a beer or two about messing with
elections and encouraging assange to release broom hilda's dirty
laundry, same as most likely some of trump's downliners did, none of
them actually did anything about it.

The way broom hilda was messing up, they did not have to do

Sure, putin needs trump to make america great again, not broom hilda
causing a depression. Putin wants a cold war with a worthy and
credible oponent in order to scare his tax payers, not a whiny
socialist that the rest of the world snickers about. Luckily she put
her feet into her mouth often enough, and the people were fed up
with the lame stream media and voted against the media. 

The same happened in the gore/bush race. The lame stream media
predicted that the socialist hypnotist would win by a big margin.
Well, the people were fed up with that and voted against the media.
So bubba, the cowboy with the classy wife, got into the white house.

This time we have archie bunker jr with the classy wife.
It is good to see her in there and at functions!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida woman accused of reckless driving, 
DUI in interstate construction zone
Today, April 28 in
1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was
published. Old math is based on that. New math is based on raving
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good. --- Thomas Sowell (1930 - ) _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Great Tit _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
_____________________________________________________ Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. "In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?" _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Savannah Lee Storie, 24, Jacksonville, Florida Florida woman accused of reckless driving, DUI in interstate construction zone A Jacksonville woman faces multiple charges, including a DUI, after police say she tried to speed through an active construction zone site early Tuesday. At approximately 12:15 a.m., an officer was conducting a rolling road block at a construction zone at I-95 northbound at University Boulevard when a white four-door car passed all traffic, according to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. The car, which was being driven in the inside emergency lane, had passed three police cars with their emergency equipment activated, the report said. The officer reported the vehicle traveling at 60 mph as it passed patrol vehicles, and then accelerating to 100 mph in the 45 mph construction zone as it pulled away from the road block. According to the officer, the driver was speeding toward construction workers. The officer began to pursue the car. The report said the car accelerated to 110 mph as the officer pursued the driver. The car stopped because construction equipment was blocking the road. The officer approached the car and opened a door to find the woman, identified as 24-year-old Savannah Lee Storie, sitting in the driver's seat, the report said. The officer told Storie to turn off the engine, but he noted that she stared blankly at him. Storie was told to get out but she reportedly did not comply. The officer tried to pull Storie out of the car twice by her wrist but she pulled away, according to the report. The woman broke free of the officer's grip, put the car in drive and started driving toward construction workers, the officer reported. The officer reached into her car to put it into park. She hit the gas while the officer grabbed the ignition key and turned off the car. The car rolled to a stop on the right shoulder. The officer removed her from the car, and told her to get on the ground, but she did not comply. He had to put the woman in a total appendage restraint in order to arrest her. The officer said he could smell a strong alcoholic odor coming from her breath. While in custody, the woman reportedly banged her head several times in order to hurt herself, and was taken to UF Health. Storie was booked without being present. Storie faces charges of resisting an officer with violence, reckless driving, unlawful speeding, driving under the influence and driving a vehicle without wearing a safety belt.
Tech Support Pits From: Ruby Re: Spam Epidemic Dear Webby, Have you noticed that there is a real spam epidemic going on? 90% of my mail is spam, and it's driving me nuts! How does a company like yours deal with it? And why isn't anybody doing something about it? Ruby Dear Ruby No, I haven't noticed that. You see, I live a very simple and sheltered life. One of my shelters is MailWasher. I just see the 120 - 200 mails that I need to see and answer. I don't really give a hoot about how or which way Mailwasher dumps the other 4800 - 5000 mails every day, but I know that they are reported to the FireTrust spam database. The reason nobody in the US is doing anything against spam is because the spammers bought your Senate and financed the CAN SPAM act, and so they are nicely protected. Just look at the courts in Illinois trying to fine Spamhaus, a European blacklisting service $12 Million. US law protects the spammers and you get fined if you try to fight them. Luckily, Spamhaus is in England, and told the Illinois courts where to stuff their pro-spammer ruling. They don't have laws to protect the spammers in England. The same goes for New Zealand, where MailWasher and FireTrust are hiding out, safely out of reach of the CAN-SPAM spammer protection act. Unless you can rent more senators than the spammers have, all I can recommend is that you get MailWasher, and let it nuke the spam right on the server and not let it bother you. Have FUN DearWebby A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. "Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that."
Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft.
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands, have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison, watching the planes go by. Then the pilots turn around and fly back, and all the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and turn directly toward the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over onto their backs.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather sh** in her pants." ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Frugal Wedding Reception Saving money on your wedding reception by having it outdoors. Have it at a park, a campground or at someone's house who has a big yard. Other locations to consider if you must have the reception indoors: your local community center; Elks, Lions or VFW Club, especially if someone in your family is a member; some Senior Citizen Centers have great halls they can rent for receptions. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ There was a Scot, American, and a Iraqui in a plane on fire and about to crash. There were no parachutes and the only exit was to jump from 49,000 feet high. As the Scottish jumped he yelled, "God save me!" and landed safely in a haystack. When the American jumped he also yelled, "God save me!" and landed safely in another haystack. The Iraqui wasn't good at his English and when he jumped he yelled, "God shave me!", and went splat on the roof of a barber shop.
The Shirk Report
___________________________________________________ Judy goes to get her hair cut. The hairstylist cuts for about thirty minutes, hands Judy a mirror, and asks, "How do you like it?" Judy says, "It's nice, but could you make it just a little longer in the back?" ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, April 28 in
0357 Constantius II visited Rome for the first time. 

1282 Villagers in Palermo led a revolt against French rule in

1635 Virginia Governor John Harvey was accused of treason and
removed from office. 

1686 The first volume of Isaac Newton's "Principia Mathamatic" was
published. Old math is based on that. New math is based on raving

1788 Maryland became the seventh state to ratify the U.S.

1789 A mutiny on the British ship Bounty took place when a rebel
crew took the ship and set sail to Pitcairn Island. The mutineers
left Captain W. Bligh and 18 sailors adrift. 

1818 U.S. President James Monroe proclaimed naval disarmament on the
Great Lakes and Lake Champlain. 

1896 The Addressograph was patented by J.S. Duncan. 

1902 A revolution broke out in the Dominican Republic. 

1910 First night air flight was performed by Claude Grahame-White in

1914 W.H. Carrier patented the design of his air conditioner. 

1916 The British declared martial law throughout Ireland. 

1919 The League of Nations was founded. 

1920 Azerbaijan joined the USSR. 

1923 The British Empire Exhibition Stadium (or Empire Stadium)
opened to the public. 

1930 The first organized night baseball game was played in
Independence, Kansas. 

1932 The yellow fever vaccine for humans was announced. 

1937 The first animated-cartoon electric sign was displayed on a
building on Broadway in New York City. It was created by Douglas

1945 Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci were executed
by Italian partisans as they attempted to flee the country. 

1946 The Allies indicted Tojo with 55 counts of war crimes. 

1947 Norwegian anthropologist Thor Heyerdahl and five others set out
in a balsa wood craft known as Kon Tiki to prove that Peruvian
Indians could have settled in Polynesia. The trip began in Peru and
took 101 days to complete the crossing of the Pacific Ocean. 

1952 The U.S. occupation of Japan officially ended when a treaty
with the U.S. and 47 other countries went into effect. 

1953 French troops evacuated northern Laos. 

1962 In the Sahara Desert of Algeria, a team led by Red Adair used
explosives to put out the well fire known as the Devil's Cigarette
Lighter. The fire was caused by a pipe rupture on November 6, 1961. 

1965 The U.S. Army and Marines invaded the Dominican Republic to
evacuate Americans. 

1967 Muhammad Ali refused induction into the U.S. Army and was
stripped of boxing title. He cited religious grounds for his

1969 Charles de Gaulle resigned as president of France. 

1977 Christopher Boyce was convicted of selling U.S. secrets. 

1985 The largest sand castle in the world was completed near St.
Petersburg, FL. It was four stories tall. 

1988 In Maui, HI, one flight attendant was killed when the fuselage
of a Boeing 737 ripped open in mid-flight. 

1989 Mobil announced that they were divesting from South Africa
because congressional restrictions were too costly. 

1994 Former CIA official Aldrich Ames, who had given U.S. secrets to
the Soviet Union and then Russia, pled guilty to espionage and tax
evasion. He was sentenced to life in prison without parole. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton gave a 4 1/2 hour videotaped testimony
as a defense witness in the criminal trial of his former Whitewater
business partners. 

1997 A worldwide treaty to ban chemical weapons took effect. Russia
and other countries such as Iraq and North Korea did not sign. 

1999 The U.S. House of Representatives rejected (on a tie vote of
213-213) a measure expressing support for NATO's five-week-old air
campaign in Yugoslavia. The House also voted to limit the
president's authority to use ground forces in Yugoslavia. 

2001 A Russian rocket launched from Central Asia with the first
space tourist aboard. The crew consisted of California businessman
Dennis Tito and two cosmonauts. The destination was the
international space station. 

2008 India set a world record when it sent 10 satellites into orbit
from a single launch. 

2018  smiled.

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Block IE from sneaking back in 

Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, April 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Have FUN!

Todays Bonehead Award:
Young mum lost ears, fingers and part of 
her face when neighbour set her on fire.
Arsonist got 19 years.
Today, April 27 in
1813 Americans under Gen. Pike sacked York (present day Toronto),
the seat of government in Ontario, in retaliation for the Canucks
burning down the White House.
See More of what happened on this day in history.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. --- M. C. Escher (1898 - 1972) Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment. --- R. Buckminster Fuller (1895 - 1983) The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A gent from Chicago was on a fishing vacation up north in the Wisconsin woods. He was out fishing on a lake in a small boat and not having much luck. He noticed a man in another small boat that was close by, open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and enquired, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," replied the other man. "I Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim up to the surface. Then I just reach down, net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" exclaimed the guy from Chicago "You bet it does." was the response. "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $50 for it." offered the big city gent. "Well, okay." said the country guy. After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many did you catch this week?" The country local, grinned and said, "You're the sixth." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Quoddy lighthouse in Lubec Maine _____________________________________________________
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_____________________________________________________ "If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss. _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joshua L Franklin, 19, East Alton, Illinois Young mum lost ears, fingers and part of her face when neighbour set her on fire. Arsonist got 19 years. A young woman who tried to help her neighbour almost died when she was doused with fuel and set on fire. Kirsten Ashby, 27, saw there was some kind of problem between her neighbour and his girlfriend, and went to try and help. But Raymond Bowen threw petrol over her, then flicked a lighter to set her on fire while he stood smoking a cigarette. She was left with no finger tips, no ears, layers of her skin on her face burned away, and her shoulder-length dark hair burned away. Bowen was jailed for 19 years today for attempted murder after the attack 23 weeks ago. Kristen has been in hospital since the attack, and her parents have spoken out to try and raise money for her treatment and adaptations to help her when she leaves hospital. Her parents, Lynn and Paul, have taken care of Kirsten’s daughter Maddison, nine, since the attack and visited her in hospital as she has undergone a staggering 80 operations to start rebuilding her face and body. Her parents said today that they were told to expect the worst as she was not expected to survive the horrific ordeal. They described her as a ‘stubborn soul’ and her recovery, much of which had been in isolation due to the risk of contracting an infection, was a slow and painful process. In the first month after the incident Kirsten was placed in a medically induced coma so her body could deal with the shock and pain caused by the extensive burns.
Tech Support Pits From: Bill Re: Internet Explorer Dear Webby, I have uninstalled it several times according to your directions. I am trying to get it to stop reinstalling with each windows "important updates". I don't want to stop the required updates. Is this possible? Thanks Bill Dear Bill I have disabled mine many years ago, but don't remember how I did it. However, it seems that enough people have made enough noise about that, so that Microsoft has issued a blocker: The Internet Explorer 11 Blocker Toolkit enables users to disable automatic delivery of Internet Explorer 11 as an important class update via Automatic Updates (AU) feature of Windows Update (WU). Please let me know how that works. Have FUN DearWebby HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $42,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
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A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
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Married for a night A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed." "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted, long and loud. ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Cheesy Salsa Chicken By l_rambou [20 Posts, 10 Comments] Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 25-35 minutes Total Time: 40-50 minutes Yield: 2 Ingredients: 2 large skinless boneless chicken breasts 2-4 tsp taco seasoning 1 cup salsa 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese Cheesy Salsa Chicken ingredients Steps: Preheat oven in 375 F. Season each chicken breast with taco seasoning. Place in ungreased 8" glass baking dish. Spoon salsa on top of each seasoned breast. Top with grated cheddar cheese. Bake for 25-35 minutes until chicken is tender and cooked through. Serve with rice. Tip provided by ____________________________________________________ Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates. Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!" "Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?" Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?" Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like mom. My mother loved her, they quickly became friends." "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my father can't stand her!"
Dollhouses of Death that trained America’s Detectives
___________________________________________________ An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check." ___________________________________________________
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

Today, April 27 in
1296 The Scots were defeated by Edward I at the Battle of Dunbar. 

1509 Pope Julius II excommunicated the Italian state of Venice for
not paying taxes to Rome. 

1521 Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan was killed by natives in
the Philippines. 

1565 The first Spanish settlement in Philippines was established in
Cebu City. 

1805 A force led by U.S. Marines captured the city of Derna, on the
shores of Tripoli. 

1813 Americans under Gen. Pike captured York (present day Toronto)
the seat of government in Ontario in retaliation for the Canucks
burning down the White House.

1861 West Virginia seceded from Virginia after Virginia seceded from
the Union during the American Civil War. 

1861 U.S. President Lincoln issued an order to General Winfield
Scott that authorized him to suspend the writ of habeas corpus
between Philadelphia and Washington at or near any military line. 

1863 The Army of the Potomac began marching on Chancellorsville. 

1865 In the U.S. the Sultana exploded while carrying 2,300 Union
POWs. Between 1,400 2,000 were killed. 

1880 Francis Clarke and M.G. Foster patented the electrical hearing

1909 The sultan of Turkey, Abdul Hamid II, was overthrown. 

1938 Geraldine Apponyi married King Zog of Albania. She was the
first American woman to become a queen. 

1938 A colored baseball was used for the first time in any baseball
game. The ball was yellow and was used between Columbia and Fordham
Universities in New York City. 

1945 The Second Republic was founded in Austria. 

1946 The SS African Star was placed in service. It was the first
commercial ship to be equipped with radar. 

1950 South Africa passed the Group Areas Act, which formally
segregated races. 

1953 The U.S. offered $50,000 and political asylum to any Communist
pilot that delivered a MIG jet. 

1953 Five people were killed and 60 injured when Mt. Aso erupted on
the island of Kyushu. 

1960 The submarine Tullibee was launched from Groton, CT. It was the
first sub to be equipped with closed-circuit television. 

1961 The United Kingdom granted Sierra Leone independence. 

1965 "Pampers" were patented by R.C. Duncan. 

1967 In Montreal, Prime Minister Lester Pearson lighted a flame to
open Expo 67. 

1975 Saigon was encircled by North Vietnamese troops. 

1978 Pro-Soviet Marxists seized control of Afghanistan. 

1982 The trial of John W. Hinckley Jr. began in Washington. Hinckley
was later acquitted by reason of insanity for the shooting of U.S.
President Reagan and three others. 

1982 China proposed a new constitution that would radically alter
the structure of the national government. 

1984 In London, Libyan gunmen left the Libyan Embassy 11 days after
killing a policewoman and wounding 10 others. 

1989 Student protestors took over Tiananmen Square in Beijing. 

1987 The U.S. Justice Department barred Austrian President Kurt
Waldheim from entering the U.S. It was claimed that he had aided in
the deportation and execution of thousands of Jews and others as a
junior German Army officer during World War II. 

1992 The Federal Republic of Yugoslavia was proclaimed in Belgrade
by the Republic of Serbia and its ally Montenegro. 

1992 Russia and 12 other former Soviet republics won entry into the
International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. 

2005 The A380, the world's largest jetliner, completed its maiden
flight. The passenger capability was 840. 

2005 Russian President Vladimir Putin became the first Kremlin
leader to visit Israel. 

2006 In New York, NY, construction began on the 1,776-foot One World
Trade Center on the site of former World Trade Center. 

2018  smiled.

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