Dear Webby: IE getting really slow 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 11, 2009

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. --- W. C. Fields One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. --- Rita Mae Brown Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? --- James Thurber
In the middle of World War II, a draftee goes in for his physical wearing a truss, and with a little convincing acting, gets his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt. Not long after, a friend gets his orders to report for a physical, and he borrows the other fellow's truss. At the end of the examination, the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers. "Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," the examining doctor says. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside-down can certainly ride a camel."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Holiday Inn in Conway, Arkansas Prank caller wreaks havoc on Arkansas hotel JUNE 9--A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department. Details and pictures are at The Smoking Gun According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an prankster. Since a similar prank call was made to a Holiday Inn in Little Rock, Conway cops alerted fellow Arkansas law enforcement officials that "more of these calls could be coming in," according to the police report. --------- That's what they get by lowering the wages!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Francyne Re: Internet Explorer problems Dear Webby, I'm having trouble with Internet Explorer downloading. Takes forever. I ran Norton and deleted some things--worms, I think it said--but it didn't help. Then I ran the SuperAntiSpyware you recommended and it quarantined the same worms, which I then deleted. But still IE is taking forever to come up. Windows Mail and Microsoft Office Word come up fast. I'm at a loss as what to do. Might I mention that I'm computer illiterate. Francyne Dear Francyne Most likely the worms, which Norton failed to stop from coming in, damaged your Internet Explorer, and most likely other stuff too. Until you can get a tech to re-install Windows, I would recommend that you use FireFox as your browser. It is more secure anyway. You can still use IE, but at least you will have a fast and reliable browser available. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Meal Menu I make a monthly menu and create a shopping list from it. I buy only from that list. This way, everything gets used and there is nothing thrown away. I always take inventory based on my menu and I always leave a day or two open for the unexpected. By Gina from Collegeville, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Puns may be bad, But poetry is verse.
In Germany, a chain of sex shops expanded into the rest areas of the German autobahn offering drivers, ''a saucy alternative to a box of chocolates or a tired bunch of flowers as a last-minute present for their wives on the way home.'' Products include erotic undies, sex toys and these sorts of things. Now churches, concerned that drivers are being led into temptation, have begun opening chapels in those very same rest areas to offer drivers prayer and solace or a quiet place to nap as an alternative to temptation.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Free Attractions in USA
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is Craigsecure dangerous? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 10, 2009

Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel
Linda had gotten a new job as a reporter at her local newspaper and she was brought in to meet the crusty old editor on her first day on the job. "Names, names," the old editor insisted to the new reporter. "No story is complete without the names of everyone involved." Linda assured him she would make him proud of her reporting abilities, and her first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster. She came back a few hours later and filed this report: Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm. And Fred Morse reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?" All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly. "Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked. Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Wilson, 34 in Spokane, Washington Man assists police in own arrest SPOKANE, Wash. - A 34-year-old man was arrested Sunday after returning to a store looking for a bag of methamphetamine he dropped. Police were called to the Ziggy's home improvement store in the 4000 block of N. Market after employees at the store reported finding drugs. Shortly after an employee found the drugs near a checkout stand, 34-year-old Christopher Wilson came into the store searching for an item he lost by the same stand. Wilson did not find what he was looking for but did leave his name and phone number with employees. Store employees were suspicious and decided to check surveillance video. Video clearly showed Wilson dropping the drugs by the counter just minutes before it was found. Employees then called the Spokane Police. An officer arrived and tested the drugs, which came back positive for methamphetamine. Officers used the information Wilson left to track him down at his house where they informed him he was under arrest for Possession of a Controlled Substance.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arin Re: Is Craigsecure dangerous? Dear Webby, I received a postcard from a "Secret Admirer", telling me to go to craigsecure.com and click on stuff to see his details. Is that safe? Arin Dear Arin No it is definitely NOT safe. Whenever ANY email or postcard mentions Craigsecure.com, Secret Admirer, Secret Love, Family Member, or Classmate, dump it, and delete it from the trash. Those are typical virus distributors. Good Luck DearWebby
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. A friend left me alone in a restaurant with her 16-month-old kid. I asked, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite vegetable and I will not be asked to babysit again.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Catch Drips on Oil Bottles If you are tired of your bottle of cooking oil dripping down the sides of the bottle every time you pour out of it, just cut the ribbed cuff off of one of your husband's old stocking and slide it over the bottle. It will catch all the drips and keep your cupboard shelf clean. When it gets soiled, either launder it or replace it. By Harlean Hot Springs, AR Yuck! I shudder to just think of grabbing a bottle with a sticky, squishy, greasy sock on it! Higher quality oil has a special, thin oil spout or short little pipe, with back-drain holes around it. The oil from that pipe or spout all drains back into the bottle. Once you have a bottle like that, you can always refill it with cheap oil, or move the spout to a cheap bottle. The oil spout is just shoved into the bottle opening and is low enough, so that it does not interfere with the screw-on cap. You can also buy just the oil spout alone at any restaurant supply store, and avoid a messy waste of good oil. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There are only two things a child will share voluntarily: communicable diseases and her mother's age.
Picture this: A Santa Clara County Department of Correction bus is heading for Civic Center after transporting inmates to Elmwood Correctional Facility. All of a sudden, the driver notices he's being followed. Odd, he thinks. It's even more odd when he drives the bus down the intake ramp into the main jail and two vehicles -- a pickup truck and a minivan -- continue to follow right behind. The gates slam shut, officers question the occupants of the two vehicles and the reason for the follow-the-leader routine finally becomes clear. There's been a bit of drinking going on, and the guys think the bus is a greyhound and figure it will lead them to its depot and the restrooms they so desperately need. They get a rest, all right. The pickup driver is arrested for drunken driving. The minivan driver is cited for driving with a suspended license. Their vehicles are impounded. And correction officers are bemused. ``We at DOC have heard of self- surrender, but this is ridiculous,'' says department spokesman Mark Cursi. ``We're now wondering if folks can take the next step: self-booking.''
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Liberia, Crystal of West Africa
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Comparison of email programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 9, 2009

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. --- Dandemis
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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You know you're old, ... if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
Mexican Equinox Dancer
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ryan Neaus, 21, of 824 Seybert St., Hazleton, PA Speeder said he was chasing pot thief WEST HAZLETON – Police say a man they arrested in a traffic stop told them he was speeding because he was chasing someone who stole marijuana from him. While borough police were conducting “Buckle Up” – a special grant program to target drivers not using seat belts late Friday night, they stopped a vehicle they said was driving at an extremely high speed and switching lanes without using turn signals. During a traffic stop, police say they observed a glass bowl used for smoking marijuana on the front seat in plain view. Police also found 15 individually packaged baggies of marijuana and 13 ecstasy pills during a search of the vehicle. Police say the driver, Ryan Neaus, 21, of 824 Seybert St., Hazleton, told them he was speeding “because he was chasing the person who just robbed him of his Apple iPhone and three bags of marijuana.” Neaus was charged with possession with intent to deliver, possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia, police said. He was also cited with careless driving and failure to wear a seatbelt.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: AOL Mail Dear Webby, I will be using IE 7 since it works perfectly for me. I use DSL for connection and have canceled AOL except for their free email service. I just can't handle "don't know anything" Indian Techs trying to tell me to do what I have already tried. Thanks for your ear. Felix Dear Felix You get free email with your DSL account! Just call your DSL provider and ask them what your email address is. I would put a high priority on that, since they most likely send their invoice to that address. Then you can use Outlook Depressed, which is already on your computer, or any of the email programs listed here: Wiki Comparison of Email programs IE7 is no problem. They got most of the bugs in it fixed and it works OK now for most sites. Good Luck DearWebby
As Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said. "I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... As they got off the airplane, they passed a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'" "This is Havaii," the man replied. "Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?" As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!" "You're Ferry Velcome!" the Hawaiian called back.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hang Drying Clothing If you don't like the rough feel of your hang-dried clothes then put them in the dryer for about five minutes. If you can deal with rough towels, though, they make for great skin exfoliators after a shower or bath and soften up after the first time using them. By Britt Y. from Boston, MA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket. An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other. "Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Johnny, "Johnny, could you tell me what are we supposed to do to deserve the salvation?" "Yeah, of course" Little Johnny replied. "We're supposed to sin a lot first, so that we got something to be forgiven for!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wind Cave
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: 50x Error 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 8, 2009

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. --- Oscar Wilde If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. --- Mo Udall
Johnny came home from school and told his dad: "Hey, Dad, I lerned that we decended from apes! Neat, huh ?" That didn't go over well at all, so Johnny was told in no uncertaint terms: "YOU might have apes for ancestors, but I sure don't!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements would be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to also send a dozen or so normal ones ?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Ranck, 54, Miami, Florida Prosecutor not above the law For Miami-Dade County prosecutor David Ranck, Domino's pizza accomplished what courtroom outbursts and a whistle-blower lawsuit against his own boss could not: It got him: temporarily thrown off the job. Ranck, 54, was suspended without pay Monday after he was accused of punching a pizza delivery woman trying to deliver a pie to his Miami Beach condo. Details in the Miami Herald
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: 50x Error Dear Webby, "The web address you entered is not available You were trying to go to webby.com" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clicking on "more information" I see: A 50x server error was received attempting to serve your request, indicating that either the server is currently unable to handle the request or the request timed out waiting for a response. The error may have been due to a temporary issue and therefore you could try to access the web address again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have no idea what this means, a google search doesn't seem to help. This message started appearing about a month ago and the "Techs" at AOL don't know any more than I do. (Up until that time I had absolutely no problem. Without attacking AOL, can you give me some information about this? And maybe how to defeat it? (BTW, I am creating another Google email address where I will receive your newsletter.) Oh, something else occurs, too: If I forward your newsletter to Google, AOL says the message was sent. But somehow it never shows up in my email box there. Hmmmmm. Felix Dear Felix That's just a routine AOL screw-up. Once you graduate from AOL and get onto the real Internet, you won't have those problems anymore. I doubt that using a gmail address will be of much help, since you are still going through AOL. They will still find a way to stab you in the back. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, but you can try different AOL "techs". There ARE a few AOLers who did manage to get around the AOL blocks and who receive the newsletters normally. Good Luck DearWebby
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Start a Frugal Club My friends and I have started a "frugal club." We have made frugal living our new hobby. Whenever we find a sale or a new coupon or new website; we share it with each other. We have made it a friendly competition to find local deals. Not only do we find new deals, but we have fun and that is also free. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch. He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi. 'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.' 'But Sammy! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately!' 'What shall I do?' 'Give it back to the owner.' 'Do you want it?' 'No, I said return it to its owner.' 'But he doesn't want it.' 'In that case, you can keep it.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Luminous Landscapes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Back on sbcglobal 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  June 7, 2009

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. --- Jules de Gaultier Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. --- Doug Larson If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. --- Al Bernstein
Most women have these two complaints: nothing to wear and not enough closet space!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have messed up the settings way too much," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Effects of Global Cooling
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Antoine Mitchell and Michael Jorda, 21 of Bronx, NY Muggers flee into cop car
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vic Re: Back on sbcglobal Dear Webby, WELCOME BACK! YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT AFTER MONTHS OF RECEIVING YOUR LETTER WITHOUT ANY CONTENT, IT CAME THRU TODAY AS OF OLD. WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING. VIC Dear Vic Keep in mind that sbcglobal is actually just Yahoo for those who are ashamed of the Yahoo label. When they screw up the formatting and you don't see the content, it IS there, they just moved it a few feet to the right. If you hit FORWARD, as if you were going to show somebody how screwed up Yahoo is, then they instantly fix the formatting and show you what they have been hiding. So, if they revert to hiding the content, just hit FORWARD. Have FUN! DearWebby
Make love, not war. Or, if you want to do both, you have to get married!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
Morris bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I gonna find a fake Jeep for $19.95?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Luminous Landscapes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Superantispyware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  June 6, 2009

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. --- Cecil Baxter I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. --- General George S. Patton
Thanks to Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ for this: Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer 'yes.' He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work. I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and -- oops, I found A real absorbing site. That I got SO way into it. I was into it all night. Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!" "Oy Vey!" said Abe, "Behind a taxi you could have run, and saved $20.00!"
Thanks to AJ for this picture: Dwarf Iris
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Cordera Bracy, 22, of Orlando, Florida Toy gun doesn't work well in robbery DEBARY -- A DeBary man tackled an Orlando woman trying to rob him in his driveway and held her until deputies arrived to arrest her despite her pleas to be released because she was a girl, deputies said. Cordera Bracy, 22, was arrested and charged with armed robbery and possession of cocaine, said sheriff spokesman Brandon Haught this morning. Bracy According to Haught, Michael Page, 50, had just returned to his Volusia Drive home in DeBary after cashing a check on Wednesday at 7:55 p.m. and was accosted by Bracy, holding what appeared to be a gun. When Page did not move fast enough, Bracy cocked the gun and Page heard what he described as an "oddly plastic sound," Haught said. Page fought back, and chased after Bracy who tried to escape. He tackled her to the ground, grabbed the gun from Bracy and hit her in the head with it several times, causing the plastic gun to break into several pieces, Haught said. Page then started punching Bracy, who had her face covered with a black shirt, and that's when Bracy said, "I'm a girl, sir. I'm sorry. Let me go, It won't happen again," a sheriff's report said. Page told deputies he may have seen Bracy at the check-cashing store in Sanford where he had cashed a $400 check, the report said. When deputies searched Bracy, they said they found a container in her right front pocket that had two pieces of crack cocaine inside, the report said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Dump Adware Dear Webby, http://SUPERAntiSpyware.com gets rid of adware Dianne Dear Dianne Right. I have heard a lot of good things about that program. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two die-hard golfers saw some kids fishing at the lake. One said to the other, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Patch Kids Pants With Shirt Sleeves Save the fabric when you turn a winter long-sleeved shirt into a summer short-sleeved shirt and use this fabric to patch the knees or add length to kids pants. The shirt can then be worn with the pants as a cute matching set! This tip works great for kids, but can also be used for adult clothes as well. By Frugal Mom Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Linda invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mother told her. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Good Lord! Why on earth did I invite all these ungrateful dingbats to dinner?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Global Avian Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to get rid of Adware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  June 5, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. --- Voltaire Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. --- Jules Renard Whatever it is the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. --- PJ Orourke
Upon her engagement, the exuberant young woman went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ms Leibovitz heard rumors that there was sexual harrassment going on at New York City Transit and went to work there. However, when nobody lived up to that rumor and provided her with any sexual harrassment, she sued the Transit authority that having to worry about getting sexually harrassed or not, was a form of sexual harrassment and caused her to gain weight. She was originally awarded $60 000, however last Wednesday the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw out the jury award and reversed a lower court judge's ruling supporting it. As of now, not getting sexual harrassment is not a form of sexual harrassment.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Randall Fredric Walker, 38 and Jason Warren Dietrich, 35 of Daytona Beach, Florida Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Bank robbers getaway car runs out of gas DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Authorities say they've arrested two suspected bank robbers after their getaway vehicle ran out of gas. Daytona Beach police say 38-year-old Randall Fredric Walker went into the Riverside National Bank Tuesday afternoon and demanded money from a teller. After leaving the bank with the money, authorities say Walker jumped into a Jeep Cherokee driven by 35-year-old Jason Warren Dietrich. The two didn't get far before the vehicle ran out of gas. The men got out of the sport utility vehicle and left the area separately. But police found the abandoned SUV and traced it back to Dietrich, the registered owner. Both men face bank robbery charges. They were being held on $50,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mary Re: Adware Dear Webby, I have a question. At some point in the past 3 weeks, my computer has become infected with Adware. Each week, my McAfee identifies the Adware as a suspect program, and I have McAfee delete the program. But each time my computer shuts down, it re-installs the Adware! I have searched the program files to try and find the program to uninstall it, but I have had no luck. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks! Mary Dear Mary Adware is a generic name for all kinds or different adware type programs. Some of them are really nasty and cripple all the major brands of anti-virus programs. Others come in with permission and invitation. When you download and run certain software, and click on agreeing to the six miles of small print, you agree to run their adware in lieu of paying cash for their software. Because you agreed to that as a form of payment, anti-malware companies can't really legitimately "dump your mortgage", that you agreed to pay. They got and get sued. That is why some of them, like Spyware-Search&Destroy are hiding in Europe and act as volunteer based non-profit organizations, that can't be sued. Without knowing which of the many Adware type programs you are stuck with, I can only suggest that you run Spyware-Search&Destroy or if that does not help, try Adaware. Have FUN! DearWebby
"When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While meeting with a client he wished to impress, a big executive flipped on his intercom and barked to his secretary, "Miss Jones, get my broker on the line." "Yes sir," came back a voice, "Pawn or Marriage?"
A car was involved in an accident. As one might expect, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, pushed and struggled to get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through please! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. In front of the car was an injured donkey, and a TV reporter anxious to interview the son of the victim.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pet Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Miracle utility program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 4, 2009


The Global Cooling officially announced by Dear Webby on April 1st 2009 has now been confirmed by the scientific community. Fox News Global Research Good summary below all the number stuff. Hypster Gore will have to come up with a different swindle.
I find it silly that all those psychics claim they know my future and the winning lottery numbers, yet they fail miserably in predicting that my MailWasher dumps their drivel without even showing it to me. It just shows as a percentage in the weekly stats.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell -- the nut has gone to heaven."
Just-Half-an-Inch! Nitpickers! Guess he should have taken his mother-in-law along after all.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 16 year old purse snatcher in Hillsboro, Oregon Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Senior bowlers strike down Hillsboro purse thief by John Snell, The Oregonian Friday May 29, 2009, 9:29 PM HILLSBORO - It turned out to be Pound-A-Punk day Wednesday at the Hillsboro Park Lanes Family Entertainment Center, a bowling alley in Hillsboro. A 16-year-old would-be thief reportedly tried to swipe two purses from tables inside the bowling alley at 6360 S.E. Alexander St. Then, at least from the teen's perspective, things went terribly awry. The purses weren't the easy pickings he apparently thought they'd be. They belonged to two ladies from V.I.P. Summer Trio, a senior league, said Lanes owner Dean Johnson. The women, along with other bowlers from the senior league, blocked the 16-year-old's escape through an exit on the building's west side. When he ran toward the glass doors at the building's front, league members were in hot and loud pursuit. "One lady started screeching," said Nathan Krawitz, 44, who saw the whole thing. Johnson said others in the league also sprang into action. "A bunch of the senior ladies and senior men started hollering at him and chased him," Johnson said. "That's when Steve, my son, kind of held him down." The center's front door is sliding glass that confused the thief long enough for his 22-year-old son to come at him from behind the counter and pin the purse-snatcher to the floor. Several of the senior bowlers dog-piled the teen and held him until police arrived. Two Hillsboro officers were there within minutes, rescued the flattened 16-year-old and took him into custody, said Lt. Michael Rouches, spokesman for the Hillsboro Police. Rouches said the boy was held on accusations of resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and third-degree robbery. He was taken to the Donald E. Long Juvenile Home in Northeast Portland. Krawitz, who bowls in the V.I.P. Summer Trio league, said he believes the youth's big mistake came when he selected his victims.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dee Re: Miracle utility program Dear Webby, I just received a newsletter from Cloudeight Stationery and they are suggesting software called 'Reimage'. It supposedly does the following: * Troubleshoot 1 computer using Geek Squad tools * Repair any operating system issues (boot issues, blue screens, etc.) using Geek Squad tools * Remove all viruses, spyware, malware and rootkits on the computer * Apply AgentTweaks, modifications and all operating system critical updates * Perform computer optimization * Test operating system for proper functionality * Provide you with an estimated cost for hardware repair(s) or upgrade(s) needed to provide a complete solution Souunds too good to be true. Is it? : ) Have you heard of this product and what is your opinion? I'm a long time subscriber and appreciate the Q&A on computers and love the jokes! Thanks, Dee : ) Dear Dee ...but no partridge in a pear tree? That program may indeed include some tools, that could be handy for geeks. However, I doubt that it would do you much good. Remember how fast your computer was when you bought it, before you put all kinds of speeder-uppers and utilities on it? The best way to speed things up and make everything more reliable, is to get rid of all that stuff, not adding even more. Have FUN! DearWebby
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Potato Water for Watering Ivy When boiling potatoes, save the cooking water. Let it cool off completely. Then you can water your ivy plants with the potato water. You will be surprised with how pretty, green and shiny the leaves will get. By Annette from Tyler, TX That works quite well for your herb and spice box too. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Hmmm, maybe THAT's why nobody lent them a car !"
There was an old Captain of a very old ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside that box. Then one day he died and in his testament he wrote: "Now you can open the black box." So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper, on it was written "Starboard is right, port is left."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dear Webby was right!
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I copy pictures from email? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 3, 2009


The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois. --- Gustave Flaubert All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. --- Socratex
Daley, now 75, was eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning with Ethel, her best friend. Ethel noticed something funny about Daley's ear. She said, "Daley, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said: "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Thanks to Frank for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 22 year old mother in Rheinbach, Germany Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Diaper Dope A young mother has been caught trying to smuggle amphetamines into a Rheinbach prison using her baby’s diaper, police in the state of North Rhine-Westphalia reported on Monday. The arrest provided clues that led to a larger bust in Siegburg. Police arrested the 22-year-old mother and her 41-year-old husband after a prison visit security check last Thursday, during which they found 15 grammes of amphetamines and 46 ecstasy pills in their 17-month-old daughter’s diaper. The mother also had 12 grammes of amphetamines hidden in her clothing. The family had come to visit the woman’s father, who is an inmate at the facilty. But the drug find rendered the “visit to father and grandfather no more,” a police report said. During their investigation of the incident, police discovered clues to a Siegburg couple already in the sights of local police. Fourteen officers with dogs searched their mobile home at a camping area and found 166 ecstasy pills, 530 grammes of amphetamine paste, 60 grammes of amphetamines and a Browning pistol with ammunition. The 61-year-old man and 59-year-old woman were arrested but later released after giving statements, police said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Copying pictures from mail Webby, how do I click on a picture (like some you show on your Humor letter) and make it a wallpaper for 1024x768. I have tried some that come in blurry or has six or more pictures of it on the screen. Thank you for you help. Love your letter and always appreciate your help. Carolyn Dear Carolyn Keep in mind that newsletter pictures are resized down to newsletter column size, about 550 wide. Stretching them to 1024 will usually make them look quite awful. In many cases I still have the original, which might be 3000 wide, and can easily send you one in 1024 x 768. Just tell me, preferably within a day or so, which picture you want in 1024. Chances are that you won't be the only one wanting it in that size. Have FUN! DearWebby
Neither of Sue's kids ever understood her logic. Somehow they failed to see why they had to go to bed when she was tired.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Photograph Your Belongings for Insurance Purposes Take your digital camera around the house and photograph everything you own. This is such an easy way to catalog your possessions for insurance purposes. I can't believe how quick this is and how nice it is to have a file saved in photos of my possessions. Once you have done this you can then proceed to place a value on each of your items. By KG from Davis, CA Don't forget to back up that file somewhere far from your computer, either onto your web site or with a Mozy remote backup. If you go through THIS link to Mozy, and get the unlimited backup, not just the free 2 GB backup, you can use my promo code and get 15% off during June: JUNE15 If you use any other link, that promo code won't work. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."
Little Johnny was rough housing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnny, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge hairy monster picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here to squeeze the cake out of me!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pamukkale
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I type an acute e? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 2, 2009


Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." --- Benjamin Franklin
Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father. Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

From Lillemor: E-Mail WARNING If you get an e-mail titled "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi. ---- Scary!
What are these? My Saskatoon berry bushes in bloom!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award goes to Cameron Chana, 22, Clarendon Hills, and Justin Sleezer, 22, Yorkville Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Two killed standing up on bus in Illinois CHAMPAIGN, Ill. (UPI) -- Two men were killed on an Illinois highway when they stood up on an open-air double-decker bus as it went under a bridge, the Champaign County coroner said. Cameron Chana, 22, Clarendon Hills, and Justin Sleezer, 22, Yorkville, died of head injuries suffered when the charter bus drove under an overpass on Interstate 57 Saturday night. Police said the pair had stood up just before the bus went under the bridge at Illinois 16, The (Champaign, Ill.) News-Gazette reported Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Francyne Re: Acute e Dear Webby, How do you put an apostrophe over a letter within a word, such as the last e in Rene? Thanks for your help. F. Dear Francyne A fine black felt pen seems to work best for that. If it is on the monitor, use a dry erase marker. If you want the characters è or ë or é or ê then keep in mind that they are totally different characters and no more related to the e than the u is. You can get the é with ALT and 0233 on the numeric keypad. Or the è with ALT 0232 Notice how the slant of the accent makes a difference and requires a different key. A regular e would be ALT 0101 Have FUN! DearWebby
Morris was at his usual place sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of smarts and common sense. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest bozos get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" His wife enthusiastically responds with, "Yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch, fart and watch the TV."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cool Quiz
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, how do you make the Cent sign? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 1, 2009


I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. --- Ralph W. Sockman
A man who smelled like a bar at closing time, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained and his collar showed some liptsick smears. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,Father, what causes arthritis?" "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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"I would like some vitamins for my son," the mother said as she walked into the pharmacy. "Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist. "It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to National Car Parks in London, England Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ £840 (US$1,376) fine for mum in yellow line trap Money-grabbing council contractors lifted up a mum's car, painted double yellow lines under it and then towed it away. Stunned Ruth Ducker, 44, was told she would have to cough up £840 (US$1,376) to get her VW Golf back. She protested - but it took two months for the council to admit what had happened and by then fines had piled up to £2,240, (US$ 3,669) reports The Sun. Contractors National Car Parks had also towed the car a day before the no parking zone came into force. It was only when Ruth's MP Kate Hoey took up the case that the fines were waived. Mum-of-two Ruth, of Camberwell, South London, said: "What they did was disgraceful." A spokesman for Lambeth Council said yesterday: "This was an unacceptable case. We are very sorry." He said Ruth had been offered compensation of £150.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Cent sign Dear Webby, Is there an Alt code for 'cents' sign. Thanks again!! Cookie Dear Cookie ALT 155 produces ¢ Make sure your NUM LOCK is turned on, and you type the 155 on the numeric keypad. Have FUN! DearWebby
Morris and Sam have been at odds all through the school year, however, they decide to forgive each other for any unkind actions and thoughts before the summer holidays. "And," says Morris, "I wish you, what you would wish for me." Sam yelled, "Are you ALREADY starting getting hostile again?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Covered Wire for Plant Ties When your children or grandchildren receive gifts of toys which are secured to the packaging with all those nice plastic coated wires, volunteer to help them get it off by untwisting it instead of cutting it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: US Census Bureau
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is IE8 better than IE6? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 31, 2009


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen
Only yesterday in 1898 it was made illegal to package children up and send them by parcel-post. Seems the kids kept getting out of their boxes and messing with the mail.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it snaps off or comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
Thanks to Nita for this picture: Band Tailed Pigeons in our back yard all trying to eat at the same time. They come up here from Calif. every Spring & stay here 6 weeks to raise their young & then are gone till next year. Nita
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman hits guard with baby MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A Tennessee woman who allegedly borrowed a friend's baby to go shoplifting has been charged with abusing the boy by using him to assault a security guard. Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis is charged with both child abuse and assault, The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal reported. Police say Fields, who was holding the 2-month-old boy in a car seat, swung it at a Wal-Mart security guard last Wednesday. The boy's mother, Stacey Cleaves, 26, was outside the store during the incident, police said. She allegedly provided false information about Fields and is charged with false reporting and child neglect. Investigators say Fields took the baby into a bathroom and pretended to change his diaper, actually concealing stolen items. When she hit the guard with the car seat, it fell, landing with the baby face down. She picked it up and ran off, pushing it at the guard. The boy fell from the seat. Fields drove off, leaving the unconscious baby behind, police said. The baby was revived by an EMT and a passerby, and taken to a hospital. He was not seriously injured police said. Cleaves allegedly told police Fields was the boy's aunt and that her name was Darrin.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: IE8 Dear Webby, I am very happy with IE-6 ,what can you tell us about IE-8 ? I have IE-7 Blocked.Will this IE - 8 be any better than IE-6 ? Thanks Bob C Dear Bob Since you are happy with IE6, stick with it. If you want a better browser, use FireFox. It has become the mainstream browser and a lot of the more advanced sites insist on either FireFox or Opera. I have not heard anything good about IE8, that would cause me to waste time getting used to it's peculiarities. Have FUN! DearWebby
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and ran out swinging her rolling pin. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Place Rewards Coupons In Your Wallet When I get a Walgreen's Register Rewards coupon or an CVS store ECB coupon, etc. (ones that are usually high values) and I don't want to miss out on using before they expire, I put a brightly colored yard sale pricing dot on them and put them in my dollar bill slot in my wallet. When I open my wallet to pay for something, they're in plain view and easily spotted. So I don't miss out on taking advantage of them. By Terri from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Rose for this one: I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
The police in Tampa, Florida have been having a tough time enforcing the new anti-stripper laws because the lingerie studios and massage parlors along US 19, many of whom are fronts for private strip shows, will no longer undress for a customer unless the customer undresses first, and the police are not allowed to strip while on duty. The police have been unable to get any criminal cases going.
Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Fuzzy pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 30, 2009



It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. --- Jerome K. Jerome
Thanks to Jai for this story: We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Thanks to Walter for this story: A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Thanks to Martin for this picture: Montana Hot tub
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ilnes Lorbach, 36, in Berlin, Germany Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ 252-lb hooker 'one woman demolition job' BERLIN (UPI) -- Numerous neighbors of a 252-pound prostitute in Berlin are asking a judge to put her out of business because of the shaking of her apartment. Tenants of the building where Ilnes Lorbach, 36, lives and legally entertains her prostitution clients, the sex worker's lovemaking causes their apartments to shake, the British tabloid The Sun reported Thursday. One neighbor told the court a pair of valuable Baccarat crystal glasses fell from a shelf and broke as a result of the shaking. Carolso Hoffmann, who lives next door to Lorbach, compared his living situation to "that film 'Earthquake.'" "I don't know if the earth moved for her clients but it did for us," he said. "When you have a 100-plus kilo women grappling like a wildebeest with her clients then you know about it, you really do. She's a one-woman demolition job." Lorbach told the court she is "a mother and as a working woman," attempts to be "as discreet as possible." The judge in the case reserved judgment for "a later date." Seems he wants to check this out personally. ------------ A traditional stone or concrete building might be more suitable for her than a flexible glass and steel highrise.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maureen Re: Fuzzy pictiures Dear Webby, Lately I noticed that most of my pictures are just a bit fuzzy, definitely not as clear as they used to be. Do digital cameras go bad after a few years? Maureen Dear Maureen All cameras get dirty lenses after a while. If you cleaned your glasses as rarely as you clean your camera lenses, you probably could not find your way to the outhouse. Cut an old, well washed t-shirt into handkerchief size pieces, blow the dust off the lens, then spray the lens with your favorite glass cleaner and gently wipe it clean with the cloth. If your camera has one of those tiny lennses, you can also use Q-tips. Just avoid paper, so that you don't scratch the coating on the lens. Have FUN! DearWebby
Stalin appears before Russian President Vladimir Putin in a dream, and asks what he can do to help. "What can I do?" Putin groans. "The economy is collapsing, the miners are on strike, the army is useless and nobody treats us with any respect." "Shoot the entire government and then paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin. "Why blue?" "I had a feeling you'd only want to discuss the second half."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Craigslist Bargains I do a lot of shopping on craigslist. I have found that I get the best bargains at the end of the month when many people are moving, and don't want to move something to their new home. If the item they are trying to sell is in the basement, they will often take less. My most recent find was a trundle bed with two mattresses for $10.00. By Liz from New Baden, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sign in a veterinarian's office: All unattended children will be given a free kitten.
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jill, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."
Thnks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Automatic backup to the web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 29, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!"


It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. --- Abraham Lincoln
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Here is a classic favorite: A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz, OK?" The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steel and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what do they really mean when they say 'NOTHING is bothering them', what are their true desires and needs? Basically... what makes them tick?!?" The genie stared at him for a while, and blinked a few times. Finally, after what seemed hours, he replied: "So, do you want two lanes on your bridge, or four?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of the burrowing owls across the street from her.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Polish National in Nottingham, England Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Dad tried to hire hooker for son, 14 A man who tried to hire a prostitute to fix his 14-year-old son's virginity as a present was spared jail by a British court on Friday. The Polish national took the boy out in his car and allowed him to pick out the prostitute, who was standing at the side of the road in the red-light district of Nottingham, central England. But the 42-year-old father was arrested, because the teenager had chosen an undercover police officer, Nottingham Crown Court heard. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was handed a 10-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, after he admitted a charge of trying to solicit a woman to have sex with a child, the Press Association reported. Prosecutor Adrian Harris said the man and his son had approached the undercover officer whose code name was Sarah and beckoned her over. 'Will she do?' He asked "Sarah" how much it would cost for her to have sex with his son and they agreed on a $30 fee. However, when the car pulled over, the man was arrested by plainclothes police officers. Judge Jonathan Teare said he would spare the father jail because of his excellent character and that he believed he did not mean any harm to his son.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Automatic backup to the net Dear Webby, I tried that Mozy automatic backup, but I got this message about "reticulating splines". That sounded kinda scary, so I shut it down. What does that mean? Ellen Dear Ellen Don't worry about that message. It's an old programmer's joke, and used when a formal explanation would just confuse you. You probably configured it to back up quite a few GigaBytes, and have a fragmented hard drive. So it is bouncing around like a spastic Yo-Yo, mapping all the fragments and making a schedule for doing the file transfers as fast as possible. Just let it do that. Eventually that message will change to a different one, and a while later you will get the progress message with the slider, where you can adjust between quicker backup and faster computer. THEN you can mess with it. If you want to watch a uTube movie, move the slider towards "Faster Computer". If you are just reading or writing, move it towards "Quicker Backup". Your first backup will take a long time. After that it only backs up what has changed, which won't be much, and will be quite unobtrusive in the background. It is best to start with a small backup of just the most important stuff, and gradually add more and more to it, until your entire machine is backed up. However, there is no point in backing up programs or Windows. Those need to be re-installed anyway, if you lose the drive or the machine. Those of you, who don't have Mozy yet, you can get it from http://webby.com/mozy You can back up 2 GigaByte totally free, or an unlimited amount for $4.95. If you ever lose a drive or a computer, you will kick yourself severely, if you have not taken advantage of at least the free 2 GigaByte backup. Have FUN! DearWebby
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Shade Trees to Conserve Energy I have a large shade tree on the south side of my property that keeps the summer sun off of my mobile home. This shade tree makes such a big difference that I rarely need air conditioning. It's a large cedar, but any fast growing tree will work. If you plant a tree that looses it's leaves in the fall, then you'll still get the benefit of winter sunshine to help heat your home! By Cyinda from Near Seattle Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra: TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is? JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra. TEACHER: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant. TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant? TEACHER: Very good, Jane. They come to the baboon cage. TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is? No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly. TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try? BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a politician.
Not long after their wedding, the newlyweds awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met again in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with the husband, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" he asked "Toast and juice." replied the bride.
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I copy uTube videos? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 28, 2009


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --- Dean Martin This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop. --- Alfred Hitchcock
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a university graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you had no skills," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write 500 times: ‘I drove through a red light even though I knew it is against the law.' ! Then, and only then, you can have a three minute potty break, before writing it another 500 times. "

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kira V in Russia Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers 25 May, 05:07 PM A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports. The 33-year-old victim, identified as Alik D. had lived with the woman whose name was reported as Kira V. for about two years, but when the girlfriend started suggesting that they should marry, the man refused and said that he would rather return to his first wife with whom he had a son. When Alik started moving out Kira suggested that they had a farewell dinner. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking Alik fell asleep. The girlfriend tied several firecrackers to Alik’s penis and exploded them. The man was rushed to intensive care and doctors are reported to be fighting for his life. Even if the man survives the girl will face about 12 years imprisonment. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: How do you copy uTube videos? Dear Webby, How are you and yours, I'm loving your dads pics specially the one yesterday. Not sure if you can tell me how to do what I want it's probably illegal but here goes. I would love to put the 'Strauss Spring' bonus link today on a DVD for my mother as she can't go outdoors anymore and would love it so much, I can imagine her lying in her bed at night watching it on her tv conducting away as she did. Thanks if you can help, "no worries" if you cant, and regards, Trish Dear Trish I googled for it and got: Copy uTube videos Take your pick, or try them all and tell me which one you liked best! I quickly tried the first one of that big selection of programs and services, and it worked fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Murphy like I do, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He climbed out of the vat three times to go to the men's room."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hang Shelves in Front of Your Windows If you need more space and have no place to hang shelves you can hang open-backed shelves in front of your windows. In the kitchen, this is a great place to store colored glass ware (like depression or cobalt glass) because the sun looks great shining through the glass. And in a craft room you can put clear plastic shoe boxes with your crafts inside. Just remember to never store fabric or things that can absorb moisture on a window shelf, but window shelves are a great place to store your pottery, dishes and glasses! By CDR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Fred said his dad bought his Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," he said, " My Dad persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment and considered the real priorities, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Bonus Link: Dante's Prayer
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Palisades collections scam 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 27, 2009


Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy. --- Joe Caruso:
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Finally, when he could take it any longer, he jumped up, and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, Harold, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

That reminds me, ... do you know the main difference between a violin and a viola ? A viola apparently burns longer.
Thanks to dad for this picture: Echinopsus, they really thrive on neglect.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ezederick Jones, 18, in Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Big eyed robber MEMPHIS, May 25 (UPI) -- Police in Memphis said the large eye holes in a robber's mask allowed a KFC manager to recognize him as a recently fired employee. KFC manager Laketa Hollowell said she unlocked the front door of the restaurant Saturday morning after hearing a knock at the back door and a masked man armed with a knife rushed into the business and demanded money from a safe, the Memphis Commercial Appeal reported Monday. Hollowell said she recognized the man as Ezederick Jones, 18, an employee who had been fired the previous day, because of the large eye holes in his mask. Her hand was cut during a struggle with the man and he fled after she addressed him by name, investigators said. The manager called police and Jones was found by officers and arrested within hours, investigators said. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Collection Scam Dear Webby, Somehow I have gotten on Palisades collection scam list & they have called my home every day for weeks now. How do I get these annoying calls stopped? Thank you for your Humor Newsletter it makes my day! Nita Dear Nita Personally, I would harass the heck out of them with all kinds of pranks, but in your case it probably would be best to report the idjits to the police. That's what you pay taxes for. What or who are they trying to collect for? Is it a person on the phone, or automated crap ? Have FUN! DearWebby
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Berries on a Baking Pan We are blessed to have a raspberry and blackberry patch. I love to freeze the berries and have them to use all winter long. I have found that the berries keep better and do not stick together in a big lump by first spraying a baking pan with cooking spray, then placing the berries in a single layer on the pan, and freezing until firm. Then I carefully scoop them off and put them in plastic freezer bags. This idea comes from years of trying other methods. By Goatlady from Vermont Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In a big city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
It takes a second to become infatuated with someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget some people.
Bonus Link: Mozart medley
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, can you trust .info, .tv and .us domains? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 26, 2009


When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. --- Arthur C. Clarke, Clarke's first law It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes. --- Douglas Adams
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses. "Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??" My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Thanks to dad for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lukas Neuhardt, 27, in Saarbruecken, Germany. Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Would-be gangster shoots off own pecker A would-be gangster shot himself in the crotch when his gun went off in his pocket. Lukas Neuhardt, 27, had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany. He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crotch in a bungled robbery. But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact. "Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source. Now - after surgeons stitched his manhood back together - he's facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany's tough new anti gun laws. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: S. Oberon Re: Can you trust .info, .tv and .us domains? Dear Webby, Can you trust businesses on .info, .tv and .us domains, or would it be smarter to stick to .com and .net? Which ones should one definitely stay away from? Oberon Dear S. Oberon Just like there are rumors that there MIGHT be one or two legitimate businesses with AOL or Yahoo addresses, there possibly are a few legitimate businesses on domains like that. Temporarily. Usually they either fizzle, or they save enough money to buy a .com domain, before they fizzle. The ones to definitely be extremely careful with are: .ro (Romania) .is (Iceland) .ng (Nigeria) .am (Armenia) Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much and fell into the well. The husband was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and pulled out his wallet to check for more coins.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the gates there are two lines. One has a sign over it that States "I did everything my wife told me to." The second line has a sign that states, "I made my own decisions." Joe comes up and gets in the first line that wraps around and around and goes on for eternity. As he's standing there he notices the second line only had one man standing in it. He asks the guys in front of him, "Who does he think he is? Yeah right he made his own decisions. " After long thought and not coming up with any reason for why this man was standing in the line by himself he goes up to him asks why he is in that line. The man replies, "I don't really know. My wife told me to stand over here."
Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.
Bonus Link: Strauss Spring
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Resizing pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 25, 2009

If you are in the US, have a thoughtful Memorial Day!

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. --- Rita Rudner The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. --- Dante Gabriel Rossetti
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it, "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "THOAP!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Here are some goraners, watch out: Psycho-ceramics .......... the study of crackpots. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Nun. How many surreal artists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish.
Thanks to dad for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory D. Crosby, 44 of Kansas City, MO Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Drive-through bank robbery didn’t go so well A Kansas City man apparently was looking for convenience when he allegedly tried to rob a bank on Thursday. Authorities said the man pulled into the drive-in lane at a Capitol Federal Savings Bank branch in Topeka. He demanded money, but the teller refused to hand over a dime. The man drove off in a stolen car and was later arrested in a Wal-Mart parking lot, according to the U.S. Attorney’s office. Gregory D. Crosby, 44, was charged in federal court with attempted bank robbery, authorities said today. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 20 years in federal prison and a fine of up to $250,000. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: Resizing pictures Dear Webby, I know you wrote about this before, but at that time I was not interested and did not pay attention. Your pictures, especially at http://dawna.com, are a definite class better than most pictures on the web. What do you use and recommend for resizing pictures for use on web pages? Thanks Anton Dear Anton There are alot of resizing programs out on the web. They resize pictures a whole folder at a time, and most of them are free. I don't use any of them. I use a proper graphics program like PaintShopPro or Photoshop. That forces me to look at each picture. Some pictures might look a lot better if I just use part of them, for example cut off excess sky, or use just a portion of the picture. If the original is 2600 pixels wide and 2000 pixels high, I can, for example cut an 800 x 600 piece, that will appear like a huge zoom, but involves no stretching. It is still at the original high resolution! I also see that, for example, a picture is a bit more hazy than necessary, and will look crappy on the currently fashionable deep gloss yuppie monitors. So I might want to reduce the heat haze a bit by darkening the pictures 2 points and increase the contrast by 8 to 10 points. You can still see that it was a lazy, hazy summer day, but the people in the foreground are just a bit clearer and sharper. It takes only seconds to do that, fewer with a bit of practise, and it makes a nice difference. You miss the chance to do that, if you use a resizer program, that just rudely squishes all pictures in a folder. If you are just resizing a bunch of scans of invoices and quality is of no concern, try EvJO. It even lets you specify the image quality. You can crank that down so that the invoices are still just barely readable, and greatly reduce the file size. Keep in mind that compressing and reducing quality and file size of JPG or GIF images is not reversible. Keep an original stashed elsewhere while you experiment and find the maximum compression that you can get away with. Have FUN! DearWebby
3 year-old Kelli went with her neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the Host-in, this practise case, a piece of bread- he says: "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on Kelli. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice: "God will get you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Those Nursery Monitors I was going to get rid of the nursery monitor I had used for my grandchildren, but just hadn't gotten around to doing so. My mother-in-law had surgery and had to stay with us for a while when she got out of the hospital. Our bedroom is on the opposite of the house from our guestroom where she was staying. I was a bit concerned about her needing us during the night and not being able to hear her calls for assistance. Then I remember the nursery monitors I still had not gotten rid of. It is said that in our senior years we go into our second childhood. I pulled them out and used them to keep an open ear for my elderly mother-in-law. I slept comfortable and so did she. Now THAT is re-cycling! By Sandy from Elon, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two writers of modern poetry who had been bitter rivals for years met on a busy street corner. "You know, since we last met, my audience has increased!" the first said. "Congratulations!" the second one said. "How did you do it? By marriage or by adoption? "
Wife: "I'm happy to see that the neighbors finally returned our lawn mower before they moved. They certainly had it long enough." Husband: "*Our* lawn mower? I just bought it at the garage sale they're having."
Bonus Link: Taps II
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Home or Network version of DisKeeper? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 24, 2009

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor. --- Neil Gaiman, Sandman
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand at the last moment, and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!" The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona truckstop, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and Bea celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Mesa. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and see how she is doing."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Katelyn Blaylock, 18 of Tampa, Florida Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Texting teen crashes into cop car TAMPA — Authorities say a high school student ditching class crashed into a police car while texting on her phone. Tampa police say 18-year-old Katelyn Blaylock was driving with two friends in her car Wednesday morning. She apparently didn't see a red light and ran into a police car that was stopped at the intersection. Blaylock and her front passenger sustained minor injuries. Blaylock was cited with careless driving. Police took the three teens back to school. Texting while driving is OK in Floriduh, as long as you don't ram police cars. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shani Re: Home or network Diskeeper Dear Webby, I am interested in the program, but when I looked at the site, I was not sure which one I should get. We have 2 laptops at home, and are networked together on our wireless modem. The home edition said not for networked computers. Does that mean us, or many computers in a business? thanks, Shani Dear Shani The network version lets you run DisKeeper on just one machine, taking care of all machines connected to the network. I use that in my office, instead of separate single machine versions on each machine. Whether you actually save money or not, would take some serious comparing, but I doubt it would make a big difference. The real reason for that is not for saving money, but to ensure that the drives on all machines ARE properly taken care of, and nobody can turn theirs off for faster downloading of big movies late at night, or for faster automatic Mozy back-ups to the web. So, if you want to be in control and make sure that things are done right and properly, get the network version. If you can count on your spouse to do it right, then get either two home versions or one network version, whichever package is cheaper these days. Depending on the specials, usually the network versions are just a bit cheaper than two single machine home versions. Have FUN! DearWebby
An obstetrician sometimes saw rather unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," he commented. With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Request Movies from the Library My family and I request movies online at our library. When they are in, they call me. I can keep them for a week for free. This saves time and money. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Printed sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handwritten sign nearby: Window frightened.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, what causes hard drives to crash? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 23, 2009

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. --- Jack Benny Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
If you get any mails about a SKYPE Alert, trash them. They are fake and lead to a malicious site in Romania. If you use MailWasher, it will be obvious enough, but if you don't, just remember that those Skype alerts in your email are totally fake. Skype NEVER tells you to click on a link. It tells you to log in normally and not via any link. DearWebby
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to you, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I spent a lot of time in the great outdoors."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Oh-oh! Reverend is out collecting again!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to William J. Reese, 58, of Newhall, Benton County, Iowa Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Fake policeman tries to arrest real policeman Tuesday, May 12, 2009 A county jailer used a police car to impersonate a cop but pulled over a real deputy and started an old-fashioned car chase. William J. Reese, 58, used a fully-marked police car to pull over vehicles on the local highway. Fortunately one of his targets was a real, but off-duty, police officer who knew he wasn't legitimate. As the real officer pulled away and headed home to call the police, Reece pursued him at high speed. He eventually confronted the officer, screaming and abusing him in front of schoolchildren. The whole incident was recorded on a camera in Reece's stolen police car. He is due to appear in court on charges of impersonating an officer and wil probably get the book thrown at him. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandi Re: Why do hard drives crash? Dear Webby, I’m curious – why does a disk that hasn’t been properly defragged crash? I know that it gets so slow you start to feel like you could have done whatever you were attempting manually quicker, but I didn’t know that it could cause crashing. I’ve had disks go, but I’ve always just blamed it on other things, like brownouts, bad spots on disk, etc. Speaking of which… what program do you recommend for checking for bad spots? I don’t have a good program for that – and I hate the windows version. It always seems that by the time windows recognizes a bad sector, something immovable is sitting on it. Thanks for all you do! I love your newsletter each day! Sandi Dear Sandi Windows allocates a certain amount of space and records for keeping track of where files are. So much, so good. That works fine if you never edit anything. However, when you do edit anything, whether it be a doc or a picture or music, it won't fit into the previous space. So part of it goes elsewhere. The same happens with downloads. Windows pours a download into the next hole, and what doesn't fit, into the next 999 holes, until the whole file is stashed somewhere. Tracking all that is rather tedious and takes time. That is the slowdown you notice. Where it gets nasty is when Windows runs out of the space that it allocated for the database that tracks all those file fragments. It does not automatically increase that space. In addition to that, it's database is set up to have a limit of a certain number of records. Again, there too, Windows does not automatically increase that number when needed. So you wind up with files parked not just in unmarked graves, but in unmarked countries. Since those graves are not recorded, Windows cheerfully parks new stuff in those places. Obviously, that leads to disaster, the inevitable hard drive crash, if you don't properly take care of the problem. Microsoft would prefer that you buy a new computer, which can handle their newest and klutziest Operating System, and that you buy a copy of that new OS. So they are not really interested in saving and keeping your drive, and their defrag is pretty well useless. The program, that DOES all that is needed, is DisKeeper. It analyzes your drives and writes a job report. In that it tells you, when it is time to expand the space or number of records used to track file allocation, and it has the tools built in to do that. Since that requires a reboot and doing all of that BEFORE Windows starts, it doesn't do it automatically (and scare hell out of you). It explains the process and warns you, that it will require a reboot, and that it will take some time to re-organize everything properly. However, that's not something that is needed often. Once you expand the space allocated for file maintenance, it should be good for 4-5 years. DisKeeper does the regular defragmentation, whenever the screen saver comes on, or at times you set, and it tells you in it's Job Report, when you need to do mor than just that.. Have FUN! DearWebby
A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom...."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Two Shopping Lists to Save Money I think this is a money saver. Make 2 shopping lists. First a monthly list, in which items like; paper towels, TP, soap and other household items purchased, and a second weekly list for food items only. By Dawn from Henrico, VA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."
Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link: Art
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, How do you dispose of spiral lights? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 22, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show support for the troops!

People find life entirely too time-consuming. --- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. --- Howard Aiken
Thanks to Jai for this one: A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat." "Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie. "I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A young couple had a flat tire outside the fence of a mental institution. The wife was leery of the inmates wandering inside the compound, but there was a swift creek separating them and her husband said it was OK. He took off the four lug nuts and set them into the hubcap to keep them from rolling away. Well, when he rolled the spare tire along the car, he rolled it over the edge of the hubcap and the nuts went flying into the creek. He tried wrapping a coathanger around the lug bolts, but as soon as he lowered the car, the wheel popped off to the great amusement of the spectators behind the fence. After a few more similarly hilarious attempts, finally an inmate behind the fence told the young man to take one nut from each of the other tires and put them on the spare. It would be safe enough to get them to a service station a few miles away. "That's pretty smart for a guy in your place," the husband said. The inmate replied: "I may be carzy, but I'm not stupid."
Not all school buses are yellow.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shaun Rosario in Uniontown, PA Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Prisoner In Cuffs Escapes In Stolen Truck, Then Crashes When He Can't Steer UNIONTOWN, Pa. -- Authorities in Uniontown recaptured an inmate who fled police as a constable was paying for gas in North Belle Vernon on Thursday. Police said they were able to apprehend Shaun Rosario after he flipped a stolen truck along Ball Diamond Road in Georges Township because he was unable to maneuver a curve while handcuffed and shackled. Rosario was taken to Ruby Memorial Hospital in West Virginia for injuries he suffered in the crash. Police said a constable was taking Rosario from where he was arraigned in Carroll Township to the Washington County Prison when the escape happened. Police said the constable stopped at a gas station along Fayette Street in North Belle Vernon, and Rosario made his escape while he was paying for gas. Rosario was initially arrested and charged for loitering and prowling at night, prohibited offensive weapons, tampering with physical evidence, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Pictures.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Great Granny Vi Re: How do you dispose of spiral lights Dear Webby, Re: Spiral Lights Could you give the link for the government office to find out how to dispose of these light bulbs. I called our city hall and we have to take them to Simi Valley,Ca. I heard that all of AR. has to take theres to Fort Worth/Dallas area. Could that be true? Great Granny Vi Dear Vi Yes, they ARE toxic waste, and you get fined if you put them into your regular garbage. And no, I haven't got a clue what or where those offices are in the US. Most areas have some misguided fanatics, who go around distributing those silly Chinese made spiral lights for use on porches. Find out from the town hall, who they are in your area, or their mailing address. Then gently drop them in their mailbox. Have FUN! DearWebby
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Porcelain Sinks To clean kitchen and bathroom sinks, I mix half a wide mouthed mason jar of baking soda with a 1/4 cup of pickling salt (large grained). It works great, is very cheap and simply dissolves as you use it. No chemicals needed. I usually buy the baking soda in bulk or purchase several boxes when it's on sale. An old cotton tea towel dipped in the mixture makes it very easy to use. By Quiltmum from Ontario, Canada Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house." "Not in the House," her husband says. "In the Senate, yes, for sure, my dear, but not in the House."
Joe, John and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe. Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight. "John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing." "He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"
Bonus Link: Skunked
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Preparing a computer for summer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 21, 2009

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. --- Terry Pratchett
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.. Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a sh-t?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A lady went to a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets. "That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
Maybe a bit too heavy?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marla Anderson, of Hamilton County, Wyoming Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Two women jailed over trying to steal an Obama photo by breaking in and using force. Marla Anderson wanted that Barack Obama picture, so much so that Wyoming police say she walked into a Grove Avenue home Friday to take it. She struggled with the owner, who called police for help. Anderson lost and ended up in the Hamilton County jail – without the photo. Officers arrested her getaway driver, 31-year-old Tamika Cornwell, of Colerain, about 10 hours after the crime. She’s accused of being an accomplice to the burglary, tampering with evidence and putting her child in danger. Her 3-year-old son was there when the women fought over the picture. Anderson, 24, of Wyoming, is facing the same charges. Both women are scheduled to appear in court Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marissa Re: Preparing computer for summer Dear Webby, You used to write about how to prepare a computer for summer about this time of the year. Isn't it about time again? Marissa Dear Marissa Yes, you are right. Heat is the enemy of computers. That is why they have so many fans in them. 1) Count how many cables are plugged into the computer. 2) Get that many different colors of nail polish or paint or tape. 3) Mark each cable and socket with a dot of color. 4) Unplug the cable salad and move the computer onto a table or bench or place where you can easily get at it from all sides. 5) Open the computer. Laptops require a Philips screwdriver for that, desktops usually just have a knob for that nowadays. 6) Do NOT use canned air! Aside from being a health hazard, it just blows dirt into harder to get at places. Use a vacuum cleaner. A small, battery operated car vacuum with furniture nozzle, like the pro's use, is nice, but ANY vacuum cleaner will work fine. Clean out all the dust bunnies and dust and dirt. 7) Look for fan shrouds. In almost all cases those can be removed without tools. Underneath you will see a fan and a heat sink. Clean those with a Q-Tip and your favorite glass cleaner, as if you were preparing them for surgery. Don't worry, those parts are not delicate or fragile. You can usually take the fan out easily for better cleaning, but clean the ribbed heat sink in place, where it is. 8) Put fans and shrouds back in place and button up the machine. 9) With desktop computers there is usually a riveted shut power supply box in a corner. It would be really easy to design them, so that you can snap the fan out for cleaning, but instead they are designed to die and require a replacement. You usually can reach in with a Q-Tip and clean the fan blades. If that requires bending and mutilating the chrome grill back there, go for it! 10) Put the computer back in it's place. If it is under the desk, try to put it onto some blocks, to make it more difficult for dust bunnies to get sucked into it by the fans. 11) Untangle the cable salad and plug the cables back in, one at a time, and snug up any slack by coiling or folding excess cable and securing it with a rubber band or tape. 12) Turn it on again and run all the utilities like CrapCleaner, Spyware-Search&Destroy, etc., and set your Mymemorizer to remind you to do the same next year about this time. That's all there is to it. If friends and relatives want you to do it for them, the standard fee for Summer-Prep is $50. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing With Tackle Boxes I use fishing tackle boxes from Walmart or Kmart to store craft supplies or sewing notions like threads, buttons, needles, beads, etc. I also use one box for kids art supplies like crayons, pencils, markers, erasers, etc. They have adjustable plastic dividers that can be fixed to the size of the item you need to store. I store my earrings and jewelery in one and makeup accessories in another. These boxes have handles to carry them around easily and also stack well for easy storage. By Rayma from Edison, NJ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda said: The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A fellow is talking to his Irish buddy and says, "I gotta stop drinking that Irish whiskey" "How come?" asked his friend. "Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church with her." "What's wrong with that?" the Irishman asks. "A lot of good Irishman go out on Saturday night, drink a fifth of good Irish whiskey, come home, make love to their wife, and go to mass with her on Sunday ." "I know," said his friend, "but I'm Jewish."
Thanks to Cookie for this Bonus Link: Light
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Slow harddrive 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 20, 2009

No man ever listened himself out of a job. --- Calvin Coolidge There is no such thing as "fun for the whole family." --- Jerry Seinfeld
The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from. Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers. The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included. "Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A southern woman was rushing to get ready for church. She ran frantically throughout her house, tore through her closet, threw her clothes over her head and ran out the door to her car. When she arrived at the church, she saw a man coming towards her. "Tell - me," she panted in her southern drawl, "is - m - ass out?" "Nope," the man replied, but yer hat's on crooked."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Bueno, 32, Salem, Oregon Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Fake Sheriff arrested SALEM, Ore. - Impersonating a sheriff's deputy is never a good idea, especially when there is a real one waiting on the other side of the door. The trouble for 32-year-old David Bueno started just after midnight on Sunday when a woman tried to get her partying neighbors to quiet down. Marsha Coleman said she was just trying to get some rest but her neighbors started banging on her door and harassing her. "My door was literally like shaking," she said. "They were kicking the door and pounding on it." Coleman then called 911 and said as she was inside talking to the deputy, her neighbor decided to continue pounding on the door and was yelling "this is the Marion County Sheriff." You can imagine his surprise when the real deputy opened the door to see what was going on. "He knew he was in trouble," said Coleman. Bueno was arrested on charges of criminal impersonation and was transported to the Marion County Jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From:Eileen Re: Slow hard drive Dear Webby, Lately my hard drive is getting slower and slower. Just opening a big folder with the Windows file explorer has that silly flashlight waving back and forth for minutes. What causes that, and how do I fix it? Eileen Dear Eileen That is a typical symptom of bad fragmentation. When you open a file to work on it, it won't fit into the place where it came from, so a fragment gets parked somewhere else. Soon each file has bits and pieces all over the place, and Windows has problems getting them all connected. The built in defrag usually does not work. Almost everybody finds it a big waste of time, just conning people into buying new hard drives, when all they need is a decent defrag program. There are many defrag programs available. Most are just a cute interface for the Windows defrag, plus a lot of hype. The one that DOES really work is Diskeeper You can set it to work automatically, whenever the screen saver comes on, or at preset times, for example when you are sleeping. It is truly amazing how much DisKeeper speeds up everything. I have used it for about 8 years now, and have not lost a hard drive since then. Before that, I used to lose about one per year. Yes, I know, you are not running your machine as hard as I run mine, but without a program like DisKeeper, it's not a question whether your hard drive will crash, but when. When it does, it is a very awful feeling. It hits you in the stomach, as if a spouse had suddenly died without any warning signs. Either prepare for that, or get a program like Diskeeper. Have FUN! DearWebby
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save With a Vacuum Sealer Five years ago, I brought a vacuum sealer on sale for $20. We have saved a lot by resealing snack packages and breaking down family packs of meat into smaller portions. Since 2006, we've experienced an economic downturn that forces us to shop out of the freezer. If we had to buy one now, we couldn't. I'm thankful we turned to frugal living while we had money. Drawlee Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "They repossessed the TV."
Bonus Link: Recussitation
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Laptop keyboard problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 19, 2009

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood. --- George Santayana
The two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, each smoking a joint, sitting on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer told them they were entitled to a phone call, since he was unable to reach either parent. Some time later, a man entered the station and the sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer." "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver them a pizza."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a romeo, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
Thanks to my Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jermaine Cooper, 36, in Fort Wayne, Indiana Police: Fleeing suspect sought burrito FORT WAYNE, Ind. (UPI) -- Authorities in Indiana said a suspect who led officers on a 90 mph chase through two counties told police he was trying to get a burrito before going to jail. Sgt. Mark Walters of the Fort Wayne Police Department's Vice and Narcotics Division said officers tried to pull over Jermaine Cooper, 36, at 11 a.m. Tuesday after he was recognized as a suspect wanted on multiple felony counts, The (Fort Wayne) Journal Gazette reported Wednesday. Walters said Cooper sped away through several city neighborhoods and at one point threw a .45-caliber Colt semiautomatic handgun out the window of his car. Cooper then drove onto U.S. 27 and sped out of the city at speeds reaching 90 mph and continued into Adams County, Walters said. The suspect ended the chase after 16 minutes at a Taco Bell restaurant in Decatur, Ind. Cooper, who was arrested in the parking lot before entering the eatery, told officers he was trying to get a burrito because he "knew he was going to jail for a while," Walters wrote in his report. Cooper was charged with resisting arrest by fleeing, possession of cocaine, possession of a controlled substance, possession of Ecstasy, possession of a firearm by a serious violent felon and four counts of dealing cocaine. He was being held without bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Laptop keyboard problems Dear Webby, Big Question... I know you are not a fan of laptop keyboards. BUT... my keys have been falling off. Most I can replace, but one will not stay on. What in the world happened? How can I stop it? Do you know how to keep the keys on? I have been very careful with my laptop, and have not damaged it at all. This is beyond belief for me. It is 3 years old. Sure hope you have an idea, I do not. Thanks for your help, Jai Dear Jai THAT is exactly why I am not a fan of laptop keyboards. Sure, you can buy uncomfortable laptop keyboard replacements for only 15 -100 times as much as what a comfortable, regular keyboard costs. With most laptop manufacturers the keyboards are the most replaced part, since very few people are smart enough to get regular keyboards. Personally, I think it is quite hilarious when people buy laptop replacement keyboards for $100 - $150. Some regular keyboards: Compact Keytronic : $1.50 http://snipurl.com/ibd85 Fellowes Internet Navigator Keyboard Low Profile Keyboard $3.12 http://snipurl.com/ibdcd HP (Hewlett-Packard) USB Multimedia Keyboard $3.99 http://snipurl.com/ibdkz Philips Compact Multi-media Keyboard $ 3.99 http://snipurl.com/ibdp9 all the way to Big Fancy Logitech Deluxe Access: $14 http://snipurl.com/ibdtc If space is a problem, you can get the roll-up Indestructible keyboard. It is so flexible, you can use it as a bra liner! Or use a few of them strung end to end for a really geeky belt! They are from $15 up, depending on where you buy them. http://snipurl.com/iap5x DearWebby
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Grocery Bags for Packing Material My daughter and I regularly post parcels. I found a very cheap way to pack breakables, all I do is wrap the article then pack all around it with plastic shopping bags. Very cheap to use and weighs hardly anything, therefore you are not wasting precious money on packing material, so you can afford to add in that extra little special something. By Tommydogsmum from Australia Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A A priest had the weight of the world on him and was showing the effects. The church sent him to a psychiatrist, who ordered him to take a week off. The priest went to the largest city in the area. After about a dozen belts of neat whiskey, he found himself in one of the city's clip joints. A well built waitress in a flimsy, low-cut uniform came over and asked, "What'll it be, Father?" The priest felt to see if he was still wearing his collar by mistake, but he had none on. "How did you know I'm a priest? he asked. The waitress said, "I'm Sister Mary Margaret. I go to the same psychiatrist!"
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache, - and no horns."
Bonus Link: Pranks
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to save all pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  May 18, 2009

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. --- Jewish Proverb A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. --- Henry Fielding
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling BBQ sauce on the steak saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish. -------- Yeah, I know it is an old joke and that Catholics can now eat meat on Fridays, just no oral sex. It's still a good joke, though.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A bunch of guys decided one morning that they would go deer hunting. So they all piled into the station wagon with their guns and took off down the road looking for a place to go hunting. After driving awhile they came across an old farm house with a large spread of woods behind it. One of the guys went to the door and asked the farmer if they could hunt in his woods. When asked, the farmer said "Yes, sure, but would you do me a favor? The ol' bull in the corall there beside the house is on his last legs and I know he is sufferin', would you kindly put him down for me? I don' have the heart to." As the hunter walked back to the station wagon, he decided to play a prank on his fellow hunters. So when he got back to the station wagon he pulled out his rifle and said "..I'll teach that old coot for not letting us hunt on his property!" and shot the old bull. After he fired the shot, he heard another shot and another one, and one of the other hunters proclaim, "Yea, we'll show him... I got the cow and the calf, too!"
Thanks to my dad for this picture: He takes a cable car up some mountain, then hikes first walking trails then roads down into the valley. As long as he does that once or twice a week, he does not need any diabetes medicine, which would cost more per week than a regional season pass for a senior costs him. A region has about 50 different cable cars. Seems a fun way to save money. What is strange, though, is that he seems to be the only one in his region to do that.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Warren, Michigan Police taser stuffed toy cougar WARREN, Mich. -- Warren police responded to a 911 call about a cougar on the prowl. "It's huge; it's like a 150-pound cat," the caller told the operator. Approximately 10 officers arrived at Bates Park on 14 Mile Road east of Van Dyke and saw what looked like a big cat in an old cement drainpipe. "And I went back behind there and shined a light there -- and it's in there," said the caller. Warren police shot a Taser at the animal -- hitting what turned out to be a large toy cougar. Police Commissioner William Dwyer said officials now believe the incident was a prank, but he said his department could not take any chances since it was near a playground.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yolanda Re: Save all pictures Dear Webby, My dingbat sister got her computer so messed up, that only a complete format will fix it. She WANTS to be organized, and puts everything into their own categories and folders, but then forgets she already has a dozen similar categories with slightly different spellings or abbreviations, and she also has a lot of duplicates. Is there a fast and easy way to dump all pictures into one huge folder, that I can drag onto a DVD? Thanks Yolanda Dear Yolanda Yes, just click START, SEARCH and tell it to look for all .jpg files. When that is done, hot CTRL A to select all, and drag them to the DVD. Then do the same with .gif and .png She probably also has a lot of PPS and PPT presentations, and a ton of little movies. Again, do exactly the same. You COULD drag the stuff into a new folder on the computer, but in that case use SHIFT drag, otherwise you make one more duplicate, and might not have room for it all. Have FUN! DearWebby
Linda went into the local bookstore and saw this big display with a sign saying "Newly Translated from the Original French: 37 Mating Positions." Noticing the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, she just had to buy one. Once safely at home, she opened it and found that she had just purchased a very expensive book about chess.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Satisfy Sweet Cravings With Dried Fruit Satisfy your sweet tooth with simple candied fruit available at your grocers. Or make your own in your oven or dehydrator. By Melody_yesterday from Otterville, MO Don't get too carried away, though! Keep in mind that a pound of dried apples or apricots is the equivalent of 10-12 pounds of fruit, when it expands again in your somach. Be especially careful with fruits like dried strawberries. If you want somebody away from the computer and parked in the outhouse for a day, give them a bag of dried strawberries to pick on while they are at the computer. Dried fruit should be a rationed treat, not for absentminded snacking. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous." There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squashed up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?
Q: What is the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic? A: A psychotic thinks that 2 plus 2 makes 5. A neurotic KNOWS that 2 plus 2 makes 4 -- but that is just not good enough for her. (or him)
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: CSLR
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Dear Webby: Spiral Lights 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 17, 2009

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --- Stanislaw Lem If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it. --- Pierre Gallois
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A preacher was really hitting his stride one Sunday, delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation. Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood. Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher roared, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?" One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet. "So, Brother Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?" Quietly the man replied, "No, Reverend, I'm just standing for my wife's first husband."
An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the rental car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
Sandie's new lawn mower Don't laugh, it's 2 cylinder, just like her Harley, but not nearly as noisy.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fabian Moore, 32, of Arthur, Tommy Wayne Garrett, 24, of Cookeville, and Samuel Partin, 30, of Cumberland Gap Bowl of chili used to fend off robbers in Claiborne County, Tennessee When two men broke into her home, Wanda Bray defended herself with what she had - a bowl of chili and some household objects. "The woman fought them off," said Capt. David Honeycutt of the Claiborne County Sheriff's Department, of the 58-year-old Bray. "She threw a bowl of homemade chili and got after them with a broom." Authorities arrested three men in connection with the home-invasion robbery, and two of them were also charged with a convenience store heist. Charged with the home invasion were Fabian Moore, 32, of Arthur, Tommy Wayne Garrett, 24, of Cookeville, and Samuel Partin, 30, of Cumberland Gap. Partin was the getaway driver in the home-invasion robbery, according to the sheriff's office. Moore and Garrett were also charged by Honeycutt with especially aggravated robbery for the Tiger Mart stick-up. During that incident, "a weapon was reportedly displayed and an unknown amount of cash was taken from the register," the press release states.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arthur Re: Spiral Lights Dear Webby, you mentioned that you carry those much hyped spiral lights when you travel. Are they any different in America than the ones we get here in Europe? I am certainly not impressed with the ones we have, but with China spending big money on our very easy to bribe officials, there is talk about the old-fashioned lightbulbs getting outlawed in a few years. What do YOU recommend? Arthur Dear Arthur The heavy plastic package, that those lights came in, made them ideal for traveling. However, I won't use them at home. Spiral lights made for North America don't seem to flicker quite as much as those you see in Europe, but it not a "feel good" type of light here either. They do save a bit of electricity and postpone the time, when we have to replace the polluting coal power plants with clean nuclear and wind power plants, so the sheep are all for them. They drive 2009 KIAs, but believe the new, yet to be built, nuclear power plants would be 1950's style and become unsafe in 40 years. Yeah, I know, not enough chlorine in the gene pool. For rough service, for example motion activated porch lights, the old fashioned bulbs outlast the spiral lights by a long shot. Worst are the free "Porch-Lighters" that the green hypsters bring around. They aren't really worth dragging the ladder out for. They only last a few months on my deck, then I have to stick the old bulbs in again. Indoors I use the 8 foot long industrial fluorescents with single pin at each end. They provide a smooth and pleasant light, and outlast any other indoor lights by 4-5 years. Have FUN! DearWebby
When Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 38-22-34. "Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night....

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Track Grocery Prices to Find Deals I saved grocery receipts for 1 month, then created a spread sheet with the prices of the items I buy frequently. I continue to add to it each time I shop. Now, when I see "a sale", I check to see if it really a good price or not. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked. "Well," explained the patient, "we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has yellow and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on," the friend said. He continued, "Well, at mid day the shadows and the lit parts of the jungle sometimes make it difficult to see every detail, so when I sneaked up to the snake lying across the jungle path, I pounced on it in a flying leap, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward ... just as the procedure goes." "So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked. The patient said slowly, "Did you ever goose a *tiger*?"
I have been asked for more church bulletin board Ooopses. Most of these I have printed before at various times, but here is a batch that you can take to church today: *Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. *If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. *We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. *Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford" *Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. *Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. *Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. *The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. *The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board. *As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. *Fifth Sinday is Lent. *Thank you dead friends. *Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. *Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. *Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. *For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. *Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. *Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather. *Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. *The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working... *Volunteers are needed to spit up food. *Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess *We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mazes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Remote backup 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 16, 2009

I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside. --- Dr. Wayne Dyer Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there. -- Scott Adams The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. --- B. F. Skinner
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A cute young secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. And she enjoyed showing off. One afternoon her boss motioned her into his office and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you might want to tone down the advertising during working hours."
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck. "Where's Henry?" "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail." "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Samantha Jo Daniel, 18, in Marshalltown, Iowa Hooker ad in Elevator MAY 13--With Craigslist today announcing a crackdown on classified ads offering sex for money, prostitutes everywhere will have to come up with alternative ways to promote their services. However, the marketing scheme cooked up recently by one Iowa woman should not be copied. Samantha Jo Daniel, 18, was arrested last Friday after cops learned of a handwritten offer scrawled on an elevator wall in an apartment building in Marshalltown. The guerilla advertisement read, "Will Fuck for $," and included a phone number. Daniel was nabbed in an undercover sting operation and charged with a misdemeanor prostitution count, according to a police press release. She was booked into the Marshall County Jail. "In other cities, you hear about it in the personal ads and on Craigslist, but we just don't see much of that here," one police official remarked to the Times-Republican newspaper. Teary-eyed mugshot is at The Smoking Gun: http://snipurl.com/i4myw
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Remote Backup Dear Webby, You mentioned a remote backup service. With the flooding we expect after the abnormally long and cold winter, I am seriously considering using a remote backup service. What should I look for? BTW, I do have high speed Internet. Ellen Dear Ellen Any backup method is only as good as the ease and frequency of it's use. The best is Mozy. You can back up your most important 2 GB for free, or your whole computer for $4.95 Once you tell it what to back up, it does it automatically either at times you set, or when it detects that you have snuck away for a nap. A scheduled backup works fine too, even if you are working, and it has a slider where you can adjust between fastest backup and fastest computer. The trick is to start small, just the highest priority stuff, and gradually add more to it. It doesn't waste time on files that have not changed since the last backup. That way you can have for example 50 GB backed up, but today it just quickly uploads the few files you added today. If you told it to back up the entire C: drive on the initial first backup, it might take a week or two. So, start small and keep adding folders. Have FUN! DearWebby
As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hard- ware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in the toy department and need assistance."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Mesh Onion Bag as a Scrubber I am a firm believer in saving money and recycling when it comes to cleaning products. Take a mesh onion bag from produce and place a round sponge, a rolled dish washing cloth or even a scouring pad inside. Then knot the top of bag leaving a small amount to hang up or cut off the extra if you prefer. I then use it while washing dishes. You can make a lot of extras for other areas of home as well (like the bathroom). By Lisa from Belle Vernon, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo. The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo. This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass- enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer." She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the pages of a Boston Pizza menu.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ahoy Mate
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Phish finder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 15, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

We are the people our parents warned us about. --- Jimmy Buffett
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
The company I once worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, the entire staff was to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the prize was printed and mailed out to 200 people who walked past the bulletin board every day.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: JesusitaFire in California
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kim Gonzales, 45,in Austin, Texas Sent in by Theresa Woman zapped another with cattle prod An Austin woman is accused of attacking another woman with an electric cattle prod while the two were fighting over a dog, according to an arrest affidavit. Police said in the affidavit that Kim Gonzales, 45, got into a fight with the owner of the dog who is also her roommate, Kim Martinez. On Tuesday, Gonzales was bitten by the dog, and threatened to kill it, the affidavit says. It also says that Gonzales grabbed an electric cattle prod and stunned Martinez with it in her abdomen. The two women continued to fight and Gonzales hit Martinez with a stick, and threatened her life with a 10” knife, the affidavit says. Gonzales was arrested and charged with felony aggravated assault. She remained in the Travis County Jail with bail set at $75,000. As published online in the Austin Statesman, Austin, TX
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arturas Re: Patch for Outlook Dear Webby, And what exactly would this Outlook patch be called? I missed it in the all the options. Thanks, Arturas Dear Arturas PhishPhinder Patch to make Outlook show underlying URLs, just like professional grade email programs do. Caution: A bug in McAfee marks this program as a phishing program, probably because of it's name. I don't know if it is just for Outlook, or also forOutlook Depressed. Have FUN! DearWebby
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now," the wife said. Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said. "I won't forget," the old gent said. "But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I'll write it down," she replied. "I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the husband. A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cougar vs bear cub
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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dear Webby: Mars Hoax 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 14, 2009

The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. --- Doug Larson Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted. --- Hesketh Pearson
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but if that car starts, you got a convert!"
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad" the boy said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: TexasHitch. Once the wife and her mother get into the back of the trailer, it should level out.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Meet Steven Gilmore,21 from Gainesville, Florida Hip-hop dope nabbed after botched robbery MAY 11--Meet Steven Gilmore. The wannabe rapper tried to rob a Florida convenience store Friday night and shot an employee in the head with a BB gun in a bid to establish "street cred" for his nascent hip-hop career. The 21-year-old Gilmore admitted his harebrained scheme after he was arrested Saturday night, according to Gainesville police. Gilmore, who also copped to a stickup of the Hungry Howie's restaurant, told police that he thought the robberies would provide him the kind of reputation he apparently believes is required in the rap world. According to a Gainesville Police Department report, Gilmore, wearing a bandanna over his face and carrying a BB gun, fled empty-handed from the Super Store convenience outlet after struggling with a store clerk over the weapon. During the encounter, the clerk, Dharmedra Patel, was shot in the temple and suffered a laceration and bleeding. The Hungry Howie's heist netted Gilmore about $900, records show, and he departed the crime scene on a moped driven by a 16-year-old accomplice. The aspiring rap performer's career is now on hold as he faces attempted armed robbery and aggravated assault charges. He is currently being held in the Alachua County Jail on the felony counts. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/ye ... cred1.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: SSS Re: Mars getting close Dear Webby, Mars is getting close. Enjoy the attached PPS File. SSS Dear SSS That was in 2003, and that PPS has been coming around ever since. By the way, for all those of us, who don't have a 75x or bigger star telescope, it was rather ho-hum. Mars looked exactly the same as on any clear night. Obviously it wasn't that memorable for you in 2003 either. Have FUN! DearWebby
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Choose The Frugal Tips That Fit Your Lifestyle I think some people get discouraged with frugal living because they don't realize that not all tips are right for them. Frugal for a stay-at-home mother of four will be different than frugal for a childless career woman, for example. You have to sift and choose what works best with your lifestyle and circumstances. By Susan from St Cloud, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I can't play fetch with my dog," Daniel said. "Why not?" "Because," he replied, "the dumb dog can't throw."
Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story is that he took off out of Las Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force starts a full security check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off. The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says: "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and SHE DEMANDS to know where I was last night....."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pet Pix
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: inactivity log-out 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 13, 2009

"State officials warned that California could be broke by July. Which is great — most people thought we were already broke. That gives us a month to party!" --- Jay Leno
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Over dinner one evening, a wife says to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me!" "How did you meet this fellow?" her husband asked, very concerned. "Well," she says, "we met by accident. I hit him with the car."
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
If the CIA did that to an enemy, the pinkos would be screaming about torture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Nesha Kahn, 39,, New York Runaway cow sympathisers NEW YORK (UPI) -- Animal control officials in New York said a cow that escaped from a slaughterhouse and led police on a 10-block chase will not be returned for slaughter. Police said Molly, a cow believed to be less than a year old, escaped from the Musa Hala Inc. slaughterhouse at about 1 p.m. Wednesday and ran through the streets, the New York Post reported. Nesha Kahn, 39, said the cow was in her yard when police finally cornered the animal. "I think the cow was traumatized. I asked the officer and they said they chased him for about 10 blocks," she said. The cow was tranquilized and taken to the Center for Animal Care and Control, where officials said they hoped to find the bovine a permanent home at an animal sanctuary. -------------------- I probably would be traumatized too, if I had to face boneheads like that. No more hamburger for THOSE boneheads!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: V Re: Inactivity log-off Dear Webby, I have 2 questions for you. I did not clear out the newsletter so you could see what I am seeing. What have I done to have the news letter all stacked up on one side? The second involves my work computer. I have joined the ranks of a corporate computer. We were bought out by a company that has an IT dept. Gone are all the things I used to have on my computer that made it- well, personal. I know this is silly but no more weather unless I go to their website each and every time to find the radar. No more webshots(terrible for computers per the IT dept) no more screen savers of any sort. I get to look at microsoft blue. If I am away or idle 2mins or more; up come the log-in screens(2). I am about over it. Sooooooo. is there anyway around short idle periods, no screensavers ect. I am sure safety is why- but I loved seeing my webshots when I get back to my desk or off the phone. I hate signing in after 2 mins on two separate screens each time. Waste of my time. Thanks for the help and the humor letter V Dear V The messed up formatting on your AOL can be fixed, somehow. Just contact your AOL support and tell them. Your work situation is different. Those nasty meanies want you to work instead of having fun! And quite possibly they want to annoy you into leaving the company. Without knowing what they use to detect inactivity and knocking you off, about all you can do is open an email or word processor file, and park a large ball bearing ball on the UP arrow key on the keyboard. 1/2" diameter works fine. A cute polished stone works too. It just has to be heavy enough to hold the key down. Don't let them see you use that trick! You might find out just how much they want you to leave the company. Have FUN! DearWebby
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Clothes Pins for Chip Clips This tip is so easy, maybe everyone already does it. Don't worry about buying chip and bag clips, use clothes pins! I use clothes pins to seal any bag I need to, from pasta and rice to chips and such. Much cheaper, they don't take up much room, and so handy to use! By Kim from Crawford, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a proctologist."
Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you will see that I was right."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Art Noveau
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: What kind of camera? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  May 12, 2009

A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. --- Oscar Wilde Every man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him like flies on a summer day. --- Bertrand Russell
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register. "Cash or charge," the clerk asked. "Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, " I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!" "Shall I gift -wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her "Big Neon Red".
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a streaker in Philadelphia Nude Man Steals, Wrecks Philly Police Car PHILADELPHIA - Police chased a naked man through the city's wet streets early Monday after he allegedly stripped off his bathrobe, bit an officer, then stole a police cruiser in an attempt to escape. The man was captured after he smashed the cruiser into several parked cars, abandoned the vehicle and tried to get away in his bare feet. The episode unfolded at around 1:30 a.m. when police were called to a block in North Philadelphia to investigate complaints about a person screaming in the street. Officers arriving on the scene said they found a man running about in his bathrobe. The officers gave chase. The man shed his robe, then allegedly bit a female officer on the arm, climbed into her patrol car and hit the gas. He drove only a few blocks before crashing, police said. Police did not immediately release the suspect's name. He faces charges including car theft and assault.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Dad's camera Dear Webby, My goodness but your father's cactus are beautiful! Do you know what camera he has that takes such good pictures. Thank you for brightening our day. Nita Dear Nita Dad uses a Nikon Coolpix, that was on sale at his grocery store a couple of years ago. It is small and light and has an automatic lens guard, which helps keeping greasy fingerprints off the lens. I am not 100% sure now, but I think it is an L11 or similar. It is a pretty good camera and takes great pictures, as long as you use lots of light and hold it very steady. Have FUN! DearWebby
Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which meant equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast in bed. Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought her a scrambled egg. Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Why can't I have some variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought her two eggs - one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love... enjoy!" Kathy was furious, "You Bozo, you scrambled the wrong egg!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Spare Change Adds Up I have been saving my husband's and my spare change for years. This year I decided to document every "cash-in", to see exactly how much change we had at the end of the year. I have always used this money for a rainy-day fund, like when needed gas for the car, or an unexpected item from the grocery store. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Tom was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Tom replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Tom replied, "The same place you got your silly train!"
Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the garden market," said the first man. "So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked. "Well when I got to the market, I asked the produce clerk, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "The produce clerk said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.' "
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New England
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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