Dear Webby: Differences between POP and Webmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  June 26, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support of the troops

"The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head." --- Socratex "There are well-dressed foolish ideas just as there are well- dressed fools." --- Nicolas Chamfort
Bill's wife's psychiatrist just called him and said, "Did you know she was going to poison you?" Bill said, "No! What you suggest?" He said, "After listeneing to her for three hours, my suggestion to you is to take the poison."
Returning from a trip to visit her grandmother in Canada, a woman was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, she gave him a small bag of her grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on her way. A short time later, she was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked. "Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate- chip cookies."
Thanks to Moe for sending this picture: Step-On-The-Brake-Ma!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 50 year old drunk in Hampshire, England Irate drunk drives Rolls Royce into store A drunk driver drove his Rolls Royce through the windows of a Tesco superstore after staff refused to serve him alcohol. Shoppers and workers at the branch in Andover, Hampshire, had to dive for cover as the luxury car crashed into checkouts. The 50-year-old bearded man had stormed out of the shop after staff told him he was too drunk to be served any more drink. He got into the Rolls Royce where managers unsuccessfully tried to talk him out of driving after he told them what he was going to do. His first attempt at ramming the windows failed but that did not deter the enraged driver, who reversed, revved the engine and had another go. This time, he put pedal to metal and smashed right into the shop, demolishing two checkouts, counters and ceiling fittings. Emergency services were called and the store was evacuated - six women were taken to hospital with minor injuries. Hampshire Police spokeswoman Katie Wilson said: "Six women were injured and treated for cuts, bruises and shock by ambulance and air ambulance crew and taken to hospital for further checks. "A 50-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of drink driving and attempted murder."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: POP versus WebMail Dear Webby, What is the difference between the POP email, that you keep harping about, and regular mail like hotmail or yahoo? Irene Dear Irene Actually, POP email is regular email. It has been around a lot longer than Webmail. With POP email you pull the mail off the server, and work it with a more or less full featured email program on your computer. In the mid 90's, when Cyber Cafes became fashionable and popular, it became necessary to have a viewer, that could be used to read the email right on the server, and answer it, without having to install an email program or risk leaving any mail behind at the Cyber Cafe. The answer to that was WebMail. The email program and the mail stay on the server. Nowadays, that is called Cloud Computing. Naturally, with the email program on the server and shared by many people, it has to be rather basic and with very limited functionality. Another major difference is space. With a Webmail program you leave the mail on the server. That is fine, if you pull it down with a POP email program when you get home. However, if that is your one and only email program, the mail accumulates until it reaches a limit. Then any further email is bounced, or your mail is dumped. To conserve space on the server, operators of Webmail like for example Hotmail, often arbitrarily block large attachments or popular items. Forget trying to send Valentines Cards to a hotmail address. Their servers are overloaded at Valentines day, so they block cards, music, newsletters, etc. In summary: If your mail is important, for example business mail, use Webmail only when away from your own computer, and use POP email to pull it down and work it. If you don't have a computer of your own, or are just casually goofing around, then use a Webmail without POP back-up. Have FUN! DearWebby
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old daughter was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was a hundred and eighty." Her daughter looked puzzled and asked, "How old are you now?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Extra Paint Off Your Paint Brush Use a Large rubber band to clean paint off your paintbrush. Simply place it over the center of the opened paint can instead of rubbing your brush against the edge of the can. By Aurelia Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic information and asks, "How much do you weigh?" "One-seventy," the man replies. The nurse asks him to step on the scale and it shows that his weight is actually 183. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Five-eleven," the man answered confidently. The nurse measures and sees that he's only 5' 8". Then she takes his blood pressure, and it is very high. The man says, "Of course it's high! When I came in here, I was tall and slender. Now, suddenly I'm short and dumpy!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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One day my mother, father, younger sister and I were traveling in the car. My sister turned to me and asked, "What does horny mean?" Being 12 years older then she was I did my best to explain what horny meant in a 10 year olds world. My mother and father helped between snickers. After explaining the best we could I asked her where she heard the word horny. Very seriously she explained, Well, in science the other day we were talking about what animals we will learn about next week, an one of them is the Horny Toad!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Eclectic Array
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Gmail and POP 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 25, 2009

". . . if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice." --- Laurence J. Peter "Old people love to give good advice; it compensates them for their inability to set a bad example." --- Duc de La Rochefoucald
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what is wrong." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one. "I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes.
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 31 year old Bonehead in South Hurstville, Australia "Motorist drives off after having his licence revoked A Sydney man caught driving at more than twice the speed limit had his licence suspended on the spot last night - then got back into his car and drove off. The 31-year-old was allegedly clocked doing 147km/h in a 60km/h zone on Tom Uglys Bridge at Blakehurst about 11.30pm. Police pulled over the red Toyota Celica and stripped him of his licence, issuing the South Hurstville man with a Field Court Attendance Notice for speeding in a manner dangerous to the public. But the 31-year-old then jumped back into his car and drove away, stopping once, then again a short time later, when police took him to Hurstville police station. He was also charged with two counts of driving while suspended.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harold Re: Gmail POP Dear Webby, I need to use a proper POP email program, where I can file mail from different clients in separate mailboxes or folders, not just tag it like it is done on Gmail. Is there a solution to that? Harold Dear Harold Absolutely no problem doing that. There are even more than just one way that will work for you. 1) You can have one or more gmail accounts forward to your ISP based POP account. 2) If you have just one gmail account, then you can use your favorite POP program to directly access your gmail account. There is one caution I would like to mention: Gmail has good spam filtering, and you will accumulate a lot of spam in the spam box. Keep an eye on how close you get to your 7 GB limit and dump the spam now and then. However, that just drops it down into the trash, and still counts. You have to dump the trash too. By using gmail as a reliable mail and MailWasher as a final spam control, and a full feature POP program like Eudora or Pegasus, you got the best of all worlds. Have FUN! DearWebby
The other day I needed to call home from downtown, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side to politely wait until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two minutes later, he was still not talking. Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call. "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife......"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Seasoning Fries When making french fries in the oven, whether they be a name brand variety or wedges cut from your own potatoes. Sprinkle the fries with different seasonings to give your family different varieties of flavors. Make some lemon pepper flavored, sprinkle some with garlic powder, maybe some with Cajun seasoning. I got this idea when my husband decided he didn't like the way I flavored the whole pan. Each row I season differently. Try it! By Terri Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of weekend shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart." Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me back here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Global Earthquake Activity
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Hotmail censorship 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 24, 2009

There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. --- W.C.Fields Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. --- Abraham Lincoln One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs. --- Josh Billings I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. --- Beryl Pfizer
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some just as good, and she gave me two more pieces without me having to ask."
A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?" The employee replies, "How about in 3 months?"
Thanks to Jim for sending these pictures: Our night blooming cereus bloomed while I was away this weekend, and my wife got these photos. Jim
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Gray, 30 in Quincy, Massachusetts "Arrest me please" ad QUINCY, Mass. (AP) - A man has been arrested after he allegedly placed an advertisement on Craigslist selling marijuana. Police said undercover detectives responded to the advertisement and bought a small bag of pot from 30-year-old Christopher Gray for $45. According to police, Christopher Gray posted the advertisement on the online classified site with the words "420 help is here." The item read "Give me a ring if you need some help," and listed a phone number, which a detective called Friday and arranged for a meeting with Gray in Quincy. 420 (pronounced four-twenty) has been a nickname for smoking dope since the early 70's.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Andrew Re: Hotmail Problem Dear Webby, For some unknown reason I have not been receiving your news letter for over a week. I would appreciate being re-instated. My e-mail address is a*****@hotmail.com. Many thanks, Andrew Dear Andrew Apparently Ho'mail has decided that, if you are not smart enough to get a respectable email address, then you are not smart enough to read all those subscriptions anyway. You are not the only one that they are censoring. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the sniveling ninnies. Once your subscription has entered the Ho'Mail server, it is strictly between them and you. You can either 1) Contact Ho'mail support and ask them to stop censoring your subscriptions or 2) Get a more reliable and more respectable email address. You can get a free gmail address, or you can get a free address from your ISP, or I can make you a free address, that you can use with proper POP and even check with webmail. Have FUN! DearWebby
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the tomato at the principal?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dryer Sheets for Dusting To dust all the furniture, I use a sheet of "Bounce" that is commonly used for the dryer. I don't know what's in it, but I save time as the dust does not stick to the furniture as much as it used to with my regular dusting cloth. By Bobby from Montreal, Canada Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A redneck boy came home from class and his redneck father asked, "What did you learn in algebra class today, son?" "Well, I learned Pi R Square," replied the boy. "Now, hold on there son," he quickly replied, "you may think I am stupid, but everybody knows that pie are round."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it. ---Hal Chadwick
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kite Festival
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Hotmail problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 23, 2009

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. --- Jane Wagner Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. --- Benjamin Franklin
Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair." Friend: "But your husband is still alive." Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION "Places I'd Rather Not Live In..." Paradox, New York Crapo, Maryland Boogertown, North Carolina Spasticville, Kansas Hellhole, Idaho Purgatory, Maine What would Freud say about... Climax, Michigan Spread Eagle, Wisconsin Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?) Hardup, Utah Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi Intercourse, Pennsylvania Hornytown, North Carolina Conception Junction, Missouri Blue Ball, Pennsylvania Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania It doesn't surprise me that there is a... Rudeville, New Jersey Boring, Oregon Hell, Michigan Hooker, California Virgin, Utah Dulls Corner, Maryland Bowlegs, Oklahoma Volcano, Hawaii Beersville, Pennsylvania Fleatown, Ohio Burnt Corn, Alabama Two Guns, Arizona Toad Suck, Arkansas
Thanks to Janina for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kathryn Winkfein, 72 in Austin, Texas Police have to use tazer to control great-gran A 72-year-old great-grandmother is threatening to sue police in Texas after an officer had to use a tazer to get her to stop resisting her arrest. Kathryn Winkfein was pulled over for speeding while doing her weekly shopping in Austin, Texas, reports the BBC. Travis County sheriff's deputy Chris Bieze shocked her with the taser gun after she resisted arrest and became argumentative. Mrs Winkfein was stopped by the police officer for driving at 60 mph in a 45-mph zone in her white pick-up truck. Grainy police video footage shows the officer trying to shove her along and point the taser gun at her as she refuses to go quietly. "If you don't step back, you're going to get tased," Mr Bieze said. "Go ahead, Tase me," she replied. "I dare you." The video showed Mr Bieze using the Taser and Mrs Winkfein hitting the ground and moaning in pain. ----------------- Because elderly people often have very fragile bones, officers are advised to use their tazer, rather than brute force when arresting belligerent or violent elderly, who refuse to cooperate. I treat them like officers, they treat me like a gentleman, no matter how high the speeding ticket is going to be.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frantic Fran Re: Hotmail Problem? Dear Webby, I receive the Humor Letter just fine at home on my @Telus address, but when I want to read it at work, where I have to use my @hotmail address, I don't get it any more for over a week. I tried re-subscribing, but it says my address is already in the database. What seems to be the problem? Frantic Fran Dear Frantic Fran Your subscription is sent to both of your your E-mail addresses every night. However, once it has entered the Ho'mail server, there is nothing more that I can do about it. From that point on it is strictly between Ho'mail and you. You can either 1) Contact Ho'mail support and ask them to stop censoring your subscription or 2) Get a more reliable and more respectable email address. You can get a gmail address, or I can make you an address that you can check with webmail. Possibly Telus has a webmal viewer too, that you can use from work, without downloading anything into the work machine. Have FUN! DearWebby
George had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?". "I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dutch Bottle Scraper (Flessenschraper) My Dutch friend has introduced me to the "must have" kitchen utensil for us frugalites. It's a bottle and jar scraper called a flessenschraper (bottle scraper) or flessenlikker (bottle licker) in Dutch. It is a spatula designed to scrape out all the contents in bottles, cans, and jars - especially the long ones with a top too narrow to get our traditional spatulas into. The Dutch are known to be a frugal nation, so it is no surprise that they came up with this gadget. It appears that though it is easily purchased and widely used in Holland, it is almost unknown outside that country. I use mine so much that it's time to get new ones. Scraping peanut butter jars, soup cans, mayonnaise jars, etc. with one of these shows just how much we waste because we don't have the proper tool. They are simply made but they are simply awesome tools. By Sandy from Elon, NC There is no need to buy an expensive Flessenscraper. You can make a MUCH better one in a minute. You need a long, thick handled wooden spoon, and the neck and shoulder portion of an empty dishwashing soap bottle. Trim the bottle at the shoulder edge and above the lowest screw-top ring, then cut it lengthwise. Wrap it tightly around the end of the spoon and secure it with a rubber band. Now slide the spoon handle up, so that only the neck portion of the bottle touches the wood. Take some flower wire or hay wire or baracuda wire and secure the bottle neck to the spoon handle. To use it, squish the "skirt" with one hand and shove it into a bottle. Because of the overlap of the skirt, it acts like an auger or screw elevator when you twist th handle. Your first one might not be perfect, but once you get the hang of it, a good one easily lasts five years. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An acquaintance of mine who is a veterinarian told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to pick her up from kindergarten, she had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Oh, wow, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Wowcome to McDonald's. Do you want fwies wif that?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Abandoned Places
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: infected by SP3 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 22, 2009

Welcome to Summer!
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippmann Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. --- George Bernard Shaw
One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." "Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."
Thanks to Dad for this picture: Fire Engine Red Opuntia, cute and extremely rare. Extinct in nature due to urban sprawl and farming.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vincente Rodriguez in Tampa, Florida Infant ejected from car in collision TAMPA - Police say 4-month-old baby girl Danai Rodriguez is lucky to still be alive. She was ejected from a car during an accident around noon on Friday. "The vehicle was headed south on Columbus Drive when it ran the red light at I-4," explained Laura McElroy with the Tampa Police Department. Police say Vincente Rodriguez, the baby's father, went through the signal at Columbus Drive in Tampa just as a garbage truck was exiting the highway. Officials say the accident would have been relatively minor, except four month old Danai wasn't sitting in her car seat, she was sitting in the front seat on her mother's lap. "The sad thing about this case is there was a car seat inside the vehicle and at this point it's just not clear why the parents didn't use the car seat, which may very well have prevented this child from suffering such a serious injury," added McElroy. Further investigation showed the mother was trying to nurse Danai when the accident happened -- something that could have cost her her life. "There is no good time to hold a child while the vehicle is moving," according to Captain Bill Wade with Tampa Fire Rescue. Wade says the rules are simple. All children should always be secured when in a moving car. Even in a small crash, the child's weight will be magnified and very difficult to hold on to. "Way too often firefighters and paramedics respond to car wrecks where nobody should be hurt and unfortunately a child is because they are not properly restrained," offered Wade. Police have arrested Rodriguez, the baby's father. They say he's in the country illegally from Mexico and therefore doesn't have a valid license. He faces a charge of driving without a license resulting in serious injury which is a third degree felony. He also faces another charge for having a fraudulent identification card. The 4-month-old is expected to recover.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: How to tell if the computer is infected with SP3 Dear Webby, My computer suddenly acts quite weird and a lot of stuff does not work any more. Is there an easy way to see if it got infected with SP3 or if it is some other malware? Ellen Dear Ellen Hold down the Windows key and hit Pause. That will show you the system properties and which Service Pack is installed. Have FUN! DearWebby
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." They all ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Father McCarr, is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a parishioner asked his minister. "Definitely not," was the answer. "Are you absolutely certain?" "Yes, Angus McInnis, absolutely." "Ok. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
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Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father. Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Alpine Glaciers
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Dear Webby: How much memory for a digital camera? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day! The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
From Lu "We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." ---------- With me, they just threw the bottle at me.
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A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Storm coming
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bristol Zoo in Bristol, England Sent in by Cookie Enterprising car park attendant! Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5.per coach. On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant. The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he? " The Council said "What attendant?" Gone missing is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400 per day for 23 years Thats £3.3million quid ......or approximately $6 million dollars!! ------------- He did such a good job, they miss him!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jeter Re: How much memory for a digital camera Dear Webby, My camera came with a 256 MB memory card, a stamp sized little thingie. Obviously that is just to show me where to put one with a bigger capacity. What size do you recommend? How long do they last and how do you store them? Jeter Dear Jeter You can get 2 GB SD memory cards for around $5, 4 GB for $10 and 8 GB for $20. Above that, the price goes up steeply. Personally, I use the 2 GB size. That translates to over 600 high resolution pictures of 3 MB each. Unless you do a lot of movies, that is usually more than enough for a day, with most people more than enough for a vacation. For storage just use a 35 mm film canister or pill bottle. Don't try to find the smallest possible container! That just makes them harder to find. Consider also the unbreakable plastic test tubes called "Baby Soda Bottles" They are about 1" diameter, 5" tall and have a bright yellow cap. They will survive the wildest canoe trip, with room enough in them to also put in a sewing kit and spare cigarette lighter. SD cards are pretty sturdy and being able to find them easily and quickly is usually the prime consideration. Have FUN! DearWebby
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Billy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again." After a moment, she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means." "I do, too," Billy corrected. "It means the car won't start."
A woman was driving her old car on the highway with her 7 year old son, Little Johnny. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars speeding down the road, she looked at her speedometer and saw that she was going 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" From the back seat, Little Johnny yelled, "I do! Because with that big clunky lemon of yours you couldn't catch the fast cars!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Outdoor Photos
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Deare Webby: Digital camera for beginners 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  June 20, 2009

Tomorrow is Father's Day! It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. --- Bill Clinton If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. --- Bertrand Russell
At a fancy reception a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she urged when he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile, "the trouble is that I don't know whether to make it ten years younger because of your looks or ten years older because of your wisdom."
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?," asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Szwalla in Winston-Salem, North Carolina Teen held up shop with banana A US teenager tried to rob an internet cafe with a banana - then ate the 'weapon' before he was arrested. Police say John Szwalla entered the shop in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, with the banana concealed under his T-shirt and demanded money, reports the BBC. The shop's owner and customers overcame the robber and called for help, but the teenager ate his banana before police arrived. Officers joked they may charge the 17-year-old with destroying evidence. Bobby Ray Mabe, the owner of store, said police officials took pictures of the banana skin instead. "f he had had a gun he would've shot me," Mr Mabe told the Winston-Salem Journal newspaper. "But he had a banana." Mr Szwalla has been charged with attempted armed robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: Good beginner's digital camera Dear Webby, What digital camera would you recommend for a Sr. citizen's first try at digital photography? I am by no means a fanatic about it, nor would I worry a whit about editing (photo-shopping?). I simply want a decent camera at a decent price to get decent pictures. With a decent zoom feature also. There's so many displayed at sales points that I'd hate to choose the wrong one. I can't afford that. Thanks in advance. Chuck Dear Chuck A used Kodak EasyShare C713 Silver Digital Camera would probably be a good start. It is under $50 and has a 3x Zoom. Kodak EasyShare C713 $47 For a new one with zoom, you got to budget $80 and up. Nikon Coolpix L14 Silver Digital Camera $89 Keep in mind that even a really low budget 2009 camera is more than good enough so that 10 years ago professional photographers would have gladly traded their car for one of them. These two cameras are not cheap junk, but actually very good and highly respected machines. Have FUN! DearWebby
As they drove along a Los Angeles thoroughfare lined with spectacular advertising signs, nine- year-old Billy exclaimed: "Look at all the bullboards!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Insect Spray If you have bugs in your garden, here's an easy, organic and free way to get rid of them. If you're squeamish about this, put on rubber gloves, garden gloves, or latex gloves and pluck the bugs off the plants, one species at a time, and put them in a cupful of water. You'll get used to it enough to do it bare-handed later, which is much easier. It may sound icky, but it works. Then take the water and pour it into your blender and blend until you can't see the actual critters any more. Put the water into a spray bottle and spray it on the the same plants you took the bugs from. This prompts a "danger, Will Robinson" response from that type of bug and keeps them away. Just do one kind of bug at a time, be they beetles, aphids or whatever else you encounter. No pesticides, no traps to empty, just a lovely, bug-free garden. And don't worry about the blender. Wash it as usual and it'll be just fine. By Pollylev Homemade Insect Spray If you have bugs in your garden, here's an easy, organic and free way to get rid of them. If you're squeamish about this, put on rubber gloves, garden gloves, or latex gloves and pluck the bugs off the plants, one species at a time, and put them in a cupful of water. You'll get used to it enough to do it bare-handed later, which is much easier. It may sound icky, but it works. Then take the water and pour it into your blender and blend until you can't see the actual critters any more. Put the water into a spray bottle and spray it on the the same plants you took the bugs from. This prompts a "danger, Will Robinson" response from that type of bug and keeps them away. Just do one kind of bug at a time, be they beetles, aphids or whatever else you encounter. No pesticides, no traps to empty, just a lovely, bug-free garden. And don't worry about the blender. Wash it as usual and it'll be just fine. By Pollylev Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
74 year old Marsha tripped on the stairs and broke her leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that she wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off. A month later he removed the cast and pronounced her well on the way to recovery. "Oh good," she responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?" "Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful." "I can't tell you what a relief it will be," Marsha sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Stonehenge Summer Solstice
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Dear Webby, how good are X-10 cameras 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  June 19, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support of the troops!

Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves. --- Carl Sagan There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income. --- Edmund Wilson Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale skinny people who look half-dead. In a steak house you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific." --- Bill Cosby
At a local coffee shop, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!" A little old lady at the next table overheard and spoke up, "Girl, what you describe, is a computer."
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The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint. "Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive." "Come on now SquirrelBait," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head." "That's what I mean, you've got to lower it about two feet."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ashanti Barber, 19, in Detroit Dine, dash, crash DETROIT -- Four women trying to skip out on their bill at an International House of Pancakes ended up plowing into the Detroit restaurant as they sped away. No one was injured in the accident Tuesday morning. Restaurant manager Raymond Jefferson tells the Detroit Free Press the women ran from the IHOP just after 6 a.m. without paying their bill. Their server chased them, but they got away, almost. One of the women lost control of the Mercury Cougar as they drove away, crashing through the restaurant's wall and smashing at least one large window. The driver, 19-year-old Ashanti Barber, was ticketed at the scene. Her father, John Barber, tells The Detroit News his daughter had more than $200 in cash on her at the time and was talked into dining and dashing by friends.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: How good are X-10 cameras? Dear Webby, How good are those X-10 wireless cameras? What is the picture quality of them? Frank Dear Frank For surveillance purposes, the quality is good enough. However, if you want to take spectacular sunset shots or movies of your neighbor tanning in her back yard, you will be dissappointed. That is not what they are intended for. Some of the better digital cameras now have optional wireless remote controls. Instead of setting a self timer or use a bulb, you press a button on a garage door opener style key-fob. If you want to take high quality pictures or short movies, you are much better off using a proper digital camera for that. Use the cheap X-10 camera to monitor the sunset or the wildlife in the back yard, so that you know when to click the digital camera for the high quality pictures. Keep in mind that most of the X-10 cameras, especially the black and white ones, reach way into the infra-red to get more "volume" through the tiny plastic lens and onto the sensor. While this is exactly what you want for surveillance, it produces an unnatural picture. It will also make it appear as if it is a lot lighter outside than it actually is. Have FUN! DearWebby
A minister, after listening to an impromptu campaign speech on main street, "Before I vote for you for sheriff, I'd like to know if you partake of intoxicating beverages?" Candidate for sheriff, "Before I answer, tell me if this is an inquiry or an invitation."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Budget For This Year's Gifts Now Set a budget today for your gift giving this year. By setting a limit and sticking to it, I've saved a ton of money. So often, don't we all just pick up a little extra over and over? Be sure to include cards and postage. I buy blank cards with pretty pictures and include a note for most that I send. By Laura from Mason, OH Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back into the slot.
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date. but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," replied the waitress," I thought you wanted more coffee, and it's too close to shift change to make another pot."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Farces of Nature
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Dear Webby: SP3 Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 18, 2009

The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. --- William H. Borah
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat down, asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
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The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the programmer and the mathematician standing before it. After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine. The mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the programmer and said with awe, "Do you realize that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations..... ....to make a mistake this big?"
Dumb way to park!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kimberley Vlaeminck in Kortrijk, Belgia Sent in by Deeli Tattooed BRUSSELS (Reuters) - A Belgian teenager has told police how she emerged from a tattoo parlor with 56 stars over one side of her face, rather than the three she had asked for, prosecutors said on Tuesday. "I said this part, the top, is ok, but not the rest," Kimberley Vlaeminck from the city of Kortrijk, 90 km (56 miles) northwest of Brussels, told Belgian broadcaster VRT. The 18-year-old said she fell asleep during the procedure, and woke up in pain when her nose was being tattooed. A spokesman for Kortrijk prosecutors' office said police were investigating after a complaint from the teenager. The tattoo artist said Vlaeminck had agreed to 56 stars. "She agreed, but when her father saw it, the trouble started," Belgian newspaper Het Laatste Nieuws quoted the man as saying. Vlaeminck said she wanted to keep the tattoos on her forehead but would have the rest removed.
From the Tech Support Pits: I messed up with Jerome's address yesterday. On some browsers and mail programs it was invisible. So here it is again: Keep that address safe, in case you need some help converting a Vista machine to XP. Jerome jerome@spiritscents.com From: Barb Re: SP3 Dear Webby, I found out the hard way why you warned that SP3 messes up 40% of the computers. My hubby is cute, and handy for stuff I can't reach, but he should not be allowed near computers without proper supervision. Well, he let SP3 slither in with a routine Windows update, after which we were locked out and nothing worked. Surprisingly I did manage to get into his from mine, but some parts were not accessible. He brought the machine to a shop, but they told him it would cost more in their time to try and fix it, than the old machine is worth, so I wound up having to format it and re-install Windows. Tell everybody to strictly forbid family members to do updates and to turn automatic updating off! Barb Dear Barb yes, you CAN get into a machine over a network, even if Windows won't let the legitimate users in any longer. That is handy to know, as long as you didn't put any data, like docs or spreadsheets or anything you produced, into the default "Program Files" folder. That is usually the first one you lose access to. For that reason I have for many years recommended that you partition the drive into 3 or more partitions, a small C: drive for the Windows Operating System, so that it is fast and easy to run a virus check on it, a slightly bigger one for programs and the rest for the data, that you produce or download. That way, even if you lose access to the entire C: drive, your data is safe on the third partition. The 4th partition is usually just my swap drive, a place that Windows can use for virtual memory. Here is a way that will usually stop Windows from trying to slither SP3 into your machine: 1. Open Internet Explorer (IE) and go to the Windows Update site directly: http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com/ ; 2. Click "Custom Install" to scan your system (NOT Express Install). 3. After it finishes, we can see the high-priority updates list on the website. 4. Locate Service Pack 3 and clear the check box before Service Pack 3. 5. Then check "Don't show this update again" under the instruction of Service Pack 3. 6. Service Pack 3 will be grayed out and it will not usually pop up again. 7. Restart the computer. That will USUALLY block SP3 from slithering in, but always use CUSTOM, and not Express Install, and check what they want to foist on you. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny burst into the house, sopping wet and crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was . "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, when he was reeling it in, the line busted, ....and the fish got away." "Now come on, Johnny,"" his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Egg Cartons to Keep Squash Off the Ground Use egg cartons to prop your vegetables up out of the dirt in your garden when they get too heavy. I had a squash laying in the dirt and was trying to think what to use to prop it up as it continued to grow. I cut 2 egg cups from an egg carton and placed it under the squash - outside up. Now it is high and dry. By Tracey from Jacksonville, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.When asked to define "great", he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages...
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What Now, brown cow?
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Dear Webby: Old XP onto a new machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 17, 2009

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees the tears.... Sometimes when you are happy, no one bothers to see the smile.... but fart just once, and you have a reputation. --- Socratex It's useless trying to hold a person to anything s/he says while s/he's in love, drunk or running for office. --- Socratex
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun had made a note, "Take only one, God is watching," Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One of the boys had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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Murphy's Technology Law #347: Technology is regulated by those who manage what they do not understand.

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 11 year old boy in Hazard, Kentucky 11 Year Old Steals Church Van A Saturday afternoon joyride involving an 11 year old boy and a church van turns into a chase, spanning two counties, ending with a crash in a McDonald's parking lot. Police say he was a young man on a mission that they have never seen before. "No, not like this. But nothing surprises me, but never seen anything like this," said Joe Engle with the Hazard Police Department. Hazard Police say an 11 year old boy was at Carr Creek State Park with his family when he hijacked a church van and decided to go for a spin. "Fish and Wildlife evidently was trying to get him to stop and maybe some of his family members from what we know." A Fish and Wildlife official followed the boy down Highway 15 North on a 20 mile chase through Knott and Perry Counties, that is when Hazard Police got involved, chasing him through town. "The child struck several vehicles with the church van, coming in here in the McDonald's parking lot on East Main and began ramming vehicles and officers with the Hazard Police had to fire several shots into the tires of the vehicle to get the vehicle stopped." The whole ordeal caused a bit of a traffic jam, and onlookers came to try and get a peak at the little man that crashed the van. Overall, it was a thrill ride for the boy that had police saying their prayers and counting their blessings. "Everyone's safe, thank goodness." The boy struck six vehicles in all. Police say they are turning the matter over to the juvenile court. ---------------- There was no mention about the parents who brought him up that way, taught him how to drive, and then left the key in the borrowed church van.
From the Tech Support Pits: I messed up with jerome's address yesterday. On some browsers and mail programs it was invisible. So here it is again: Jerome jerome@spiritscents.com From: Liss Re: Installing old DELL XP Dear Webby, I tried to install the XP from an old DELL onto the stupid Vista machine my thilly sister bought. It runs like a speed demon, but I can't change the resolution! What do I need to do to fix that? Liss Dear Liss Look up what kind of video card is in the machine, download and install the XP video driver for that video card, and reboot. It will probably come up in too high resolution after that, and you may have to change the font size to 120 pixels per inch. Have FUN! DearWebby
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He got fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Treat Job Hunting as a Job When job hunting, treat it like a full time job. Spend 40 hours a week dedicated to finding a job, whether the time involves resume building, searching online, developing cover letters, or beating the pavement. By Emily from RI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's actually my dad's."
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?" "Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack and then died." "Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....." "Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tree of life
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Problems with installing XP on Vista machines 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 16, 2009

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. --- Napoleon Bonaparte If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. --- Mark Twain I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. --- Steve Martin
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Bad Hair ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Billy Floyd Norris, 33 in HANCEVILLE, Alabama Man reports robbery, police find working meth lab Jun 15, 9:01 PM (ET) HANCEVILLE, Ala. (AP) - A 33-year-old man ended up in jail after he called in a robbery and police allegedly found a working meth lab in his house. Police arrested the man for manufacturing of a controlled substance and unlawful possession of a controlled substance. The man reported he had been robbed by his roommates, but Capt. Jimmy Rodgers said officers were unable to verify that. Rodgers said when officers located the lab, they discovered it was still active. Cullman Narcotics Enforcement Team agents were called to the scene to take samples and positively identify the seized chemicals and drugs. The man was incarcerated on a $1 million bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Debbie Re:Problem Installing XP onto a Vista machine Dear Webby, My mother just bought a Dell with Vista on it but she got hers at "big box" store so she can't return it to Dell. She has her old XP disks which are a 2002 version. She was told she couldn't install XP because the edition is too old. Is that true? She's amazingly good on the computer for being 81 but she's not sure how she can get that XP on her machine. Can you give us step by step instructions or direct us to where to find instructions? Thanks, Debbie Dear Debbie They lied to her. Even if she has a wide, sawed of yuppie monitor instead of the traditional 4:3 ratio monitor, DELL has the XP drivers for it. That company is just a store, not a maker. I doubt, that they really know more about it than the price and the shipping weight. I would recommend that she return the machine and get her money back, since they lied to her. Most of those "big box" stores have a 30 day money back guarantee. The real guru on conversions is Jerome "Jerome Daniher" jerome@spiritscents.com Please keep in mind that Jerome and his company UPgrade machines from Vi$ta to XP as a business. They do it to raise money to pay the rent for the company facilities and to pay the staff wages. They are not funded by Walmart or by Microsoft. Expect to have to pay for their valuable time. They MAY be able to solve the problem over the phone, if you buy an hour or two of their time, but you may have to ship the machine and XP-CD to them to do it in their shop. You would probably be best off to negotiate a deal with them, and ship your machine to them. That way you are guaranteed that when it comes back in a day or two, ALL of it will be working properly, as if XP had been factory installed to begin with. Have FUN! DearWebby
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression..... In America we call it golf.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy an Inexpensive Bed Pillow for Fiberfill I recently needed some fiberfill for a pillow I was making. I was amazed at the price of the prepackaged stuffing. Instead of purchasing it, I bought an inexpensive bed pillow that was only $2.50. Not only was it cheaper, but there is enough for more than one pillow. By Momof1 from Wilkesboro, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Thanks to Dianne for this story: Having a family breakfast at a local restaurant, my very active seven-year-old nephew, Andrew, was given a blank paper placemat and crayons to keep him entertained. He busily created pictures including all the family members. When finished, he turned to me and said, "Look, Uncle Frank, I made a picture of you." I looked at it and said, "Hey, that's great! You made me look so tall and slim." He replied, "Yeah, I know, but I was running out of paper."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: A Wonderful World
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to install XP on a Vista machine 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 15, 2009

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. --- Plato There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. --- Friedrich Nietzsche
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

The showers in my daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets. During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way she used to. Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, "Flushing!" "Good grief," said my friend, "How much more do you want to know?"
Thanks to Dad for sending this picture: Refreshing!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to What-A-Burger employees in Albuquerque, NM Prank caller led to store smashing ALBUQUERQUE (UPI) -- A pair of New Mexico fast food workers were hoodwinked by a prank caller into stripping to their underwear and breaking the restaurant's windows, sources said. The sources told KOAT-TV, Albuquerque, that the two male What-A-Burger employees received a phone call Monday night at the restaurant from someone claiming to be a representative of the fast food chain's corporate office. The caller told the men to test the fire suppression system and warned them to shed their clothes after they were covered by the yellow powder released by the system. The caller then told the men to break the restaurant's windows for ventilation, the source said. Some witnesses dialed 911 while the men used rocks to smash the windows. "He was actually talking to somebody on the phone and he looked like he was nervous. He said, 'OK, hold on' and he threw the first rock," one 911 caller said. What-A-Burger manager told police $10,000 worth of damage was done to the store. "This situation is completely unacceptable," the vice president of What-A-Burger said in a statement Tuesday. "What-A-Burger is working with the Albuquerque Police Department to identify the individuals responsible for these actions and will pursue full compensation for damages." --------- There was no mention of raising the pay scale to the point where people with a bit of common sense will work there.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helene Re:Install XP onto a Vista machine Dear Webby, You've always been so helpful. I've tried Vista for over 6 months (hoping I could get more used to it but it is absolultely horrid. Have been trying to find the issue in which you explained the best way to intall XP over Vista but so far, no luck. Don't know if it's Vista or me as something seems to be preventing me from finding the issue. Would you be kind enough to let me know where it would be possible to buy or at least print the part of that issue explaining the best way to remove this accursed ogre. Thank you so much. Helene Dear Helene if your money-back-guarantee has expired, and you don't want to buy a Refurb for $300 (Usually they are just computers that had been shipped with the wrong OS, and were reformatted at the factory with XP, because that is in the highest demand), then first check with support at your machine's manufacturer if you need any special drivers to run XP on that machine. If you do, download them and put them onto a CD. Next look up how to get to the BIOS with your machine. When your computer boots up, it will tell you which key to hit to get into the BIOS. Usually it is F10 or F2 or ESC. In the BIOS make sure that the first choice of boot devices is the CD. Then put your XP-setup CD into the drive and reboot. It will warn you that Setup will erase everything on the drive. Since you already backed up all the pictures and movies and recipes and other good stuff, click OK. You will have to occasionally hit OK or Enter a few more times. When it finishes, Vista has been exorcised and XP is installed. Most likely you will have to right-click the desktop, select Properties, Settings, and slide the resolution a bit higher. If the fonts then look too small, adjust their size in the same panel. Click on Advanced in the same panel and change the percentage number up or down. After that, it's just a matter of minor redecorating to get your favorite backgrounds, colors, etc. Have FUN! DearWebby
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another false alarm. Alas, it was not, and he thoroughly darkened the color of his bedsheet and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and flailing his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "L-L-Looksch like I juscht beat the cwap out of a ghoscht!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Bicycle I drive very little as I have a bicycle with huge baskets on it. I always wear my bike helmet and wear proper clothing. In my bicycle, I can carry 40 pounds of dry cat food, groceries, library books, etc. Just about anything! I'm 70 years old but I ride up to 20 miles round trip. It saves so much gas and it keeps me in excellent shape. Joan from Melbourne, FL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Overheard downtown: "My wife and I have structured conversations: firstly, she gives me HER opinion, then she gives me MY opinion."
Linda's son was in the process of being potty trained. One summer day, he came in from outside, all wet. Linda asked, "Did you have an accident?". Yes, he replied. Well, what did you do, water the trees, the bushes,...?" "Oh, no," he replied. "I went in the garage." Shocked, Linda responded, "Well, you shouldn't do that. It will start to stink, draw flies; now I'll have to go out and hose down the garage." Her son replied cheerfully: " But Mom, it's OK, I didn't go in our garage, I went in Jill's garage!!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 7,000 Islands of the Philippines
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Browser Choices 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  June 14, 2009

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. --- Henry David Thoreau When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice. --- Otto von Bismarck
Professor's Definitions Of A Kiss Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways: Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing. Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart. Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts. Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria. Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction. Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic. Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned. Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply. Prof. of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 39-24-36. Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old. Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all. Prof. of Engineering: Huh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it and giving me nickles!"
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 39 yar old Harris County, Texas man Thanks to Eric for sending this one in. Smoker Catches Fire At Gas Station HOUSTON -- A man was critically injured when he caught fire at a southwest Harris County gas station on Tuesday. Harris County sheriff's deputies said the man was smoking while filling a gas can at a Conoco station, KPRC-TV in Houston reported. "He was smoking. He dropped the cigarette and he dropped the containers and he was on fire," witness Ali Monsoor said. Witnesses said the man threw the can away from him when he caught fire, but the motion made things worse. The manager of the gas station grabbed a fire extinguisher and put the flames out. "He was on fire … he was burning," manager Noor Ali said. "He was burned over a considerable portion of his body," said Capt. Andrew Hawthorne with the Community Volunteer Fire Department. The 39-year-old man suffered second- and third-degree burns over 80 percent of his body, investigators said. He was flown to Memorial Hermann Hospital. His name was not released. "The bystanders did a good job of putting the fire out," Hawthorne said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick & Frances Re:Browser Choices Dear Webby, How do I go about getting Chrome or another suitable browser? Are there any available at no or low cost? I have Vista, which came installed on the Dell computer we just bought. I'd like to use something else. Rick & Frances Dear Rick & Frances Sorry to hear that you got handicapped with Vista! You can use any browser you want. Google Chrome is at Google Chrome FireFox is at FireFox Opera is at Opera They are all free. Keep in mind, though, just changing browsers does not get rid of Vista. The only way to get rid of Vista is to use an XP Setup CD, format the hard drive and install XP. You might consider returning that machine to Dell and get one with XP pre-installed. They DO have them, just go in through their business entrance. Have FUN! DearWebby
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice: "Uhhh... all by myself? Well, I suppose somebody is going to have to start doing that."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Digital Camera Batteries for Other Uses Although I always try to use rechargeable batteries, once in a while, I have none charged for my camera and need to buy some. I have found that when these batteries die out for the camera, they still work just fine in a less energy demanding item, such as a clock or remote control. I have used some of these batteries in clocks for up to a year. By Carmellyn from Pennsylvania Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When Jerry's daughter, Dani, was about 5 years old, she was thoroughly impressing her grandparents with her knowledge of insects while they were out for a walk. She readily identified ants, grasshoppers, crickets, ladybugs and such. When they happened upon a small beetle she did not immediately recognize, she looked at it thoughtfully, raised her foot and stomped it into oblivion on the sidewalk. 'That one', she said, 'is a Squashed Bug.'
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Abandoned Russian Polar Nuclear Lighthouses
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Best Computer Speakers 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  June 13, 2009

Tomorrow is Fathers Day! If you are a father, Happy Fathers Day! (Somebody will approach you about an increase in allowance shortly) If you think your father has everything he can afford, and you want to get him something that YOU can afford, get him a web site, or at least a domain name! Domain names are $10 a year. You can afford that! Web site hosting is from $4.05 per month and up, depending on size. Go for it! Have FUN! DearWebby
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. "Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."
MY stuff now!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to George Spady Jr, 31, Arlington, Washington Little League Coach teaches players break and enter skills A Little League Baseball coach in Washington has been arrested for burglary after using team members to help in with the break in. George Spady Jr, who coached the team in the Arlington Little League, is alleged to have taken his son, his nephew, and one other team mate to the break and enter. At the scene, Spady had his son crawl through a vent at the back of the shop to let him in. Inside the vacant shop, Spady then stole overhead lights and bulbs, enlisting the kids help in carrying the stolen goods to his car. The story only came to light after the unrelated boy at the scene told his step-father what had happened, who immediately called police. Spady has been charged with second-degree burglary, but the children have not been charged due to their age.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Richard Re:Best computer speakers Dear Webby, What are the best computer speakers? I got a top of the line sound card and paid a ridiculous amount for what I thought were the best computer speakers, but compared to an old car CD player haywired to my fairly old living room stereo, it sounds crappy, even with the same CDs. What brand speakers do you recommend? Richard Dear Richard Simply connect the speaker wires to your stereo the same way you connected the CD player, to the AUX input. If your computer is in a different room, get a used stereo at a yard sale or from a pawn shop. Just make sure it has an AUX input, and large speakers. All the hype in the world can't make small speakers move the same amount of air as big ones do. Have FUN! DearWebby
The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" "Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," the husband replied. "Murder sometimes," the wife offered "but never divorce."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.
What's the definition of an optimist? An liberal arts major with a pager.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Classy Fireworks
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Internet Explorer causing a slowdown 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  June 12, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up. --- Lily Tomlin A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors. --- William Ralph Inge "Don't dwell on reality; it will only keep you from greatness." --- Rev. Randall R. McBride, Jr.
Fortune cookie inserts: "Man who run in front of car get tired" "Man who run behind car get exhausted" "Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do" "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left." "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" "If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient." The all-time favorite I ever got was this one, in the Shangri-La, a restaurant in Whitehorse in the 1970's. "Heed this advice"
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Canada Day and July 4th are approaching rapidly, and it's time to start getting your fireworks together. Btw., did you know that in order to encourage interstate travelling in the US every second state forbids fireworks and you have to go to the next state to get them. You can always tell that you are getting close to a state border when you see those firworks sales huts on the side of the freeway. In Canada fireworks are usually regulated locally but rarely enforced unless somebody does something really stupid. However, in this one town, which shall remain nameless, the local dogooders decided to push for a bylaw banning fireworks, even though the only reported accident was when a city council member had forgotten that her hubby had stashed the fireworks in the barbeque to keep them out of the rain and out of the reach of the kids. An opponent to the proposed fireworks bylaw erected a sign that read: "ALL dogooders should be blown up" The next morning somebody had spraypainted underneath: "That would do good"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 42 year old Cortez Robinson in Kentwood, Michigan Stupid crook of the day Jun 10, 3:16 PM EDT KENTWOOD, Mich. (AP) -- Police in Michigan say a man who held up a gas station left behind a major clue - a piece of paper bearing a name and address. Police said they went to the address and arrested a 42-year-old suspect. The holdup took place Tuesday at a Speedway station in the Grand Rapids suburb of Kentwood. Police told The Grand Rapids Press the robber told the station clerk he had a gun. He appeared to be holding a weapon beneath a piece of paper. After getting cash, the man dropped the paper and ran when the clerk made a move toward him. Officers said the address on the paper was for a Grand Rapids apartment. They arrested the suspect when he arrived about an hour after the robbery. The gun turned out to be a homemade fake, but that won't make much of a difference in the sentencing.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arturas Re: Internet Explorer slow down Dear Webby, I think IE just has problems. Mine has slowed up too, which is why I use Chrome whenever possible. Arturas Dear Arturas Yes, just like SP3, the main purpose of the recent IE updates seem to be to slow down XP to the speed of Vista and Windoze 7. Luckily there are plenty of better alternatives available. Have FUN! DearWebby
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward. "Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week. "I don't know what you mean," replied the second. "It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Handy Headbands Made From Tights I love headbands, for fashion (especially on a bad hair day) and for washing my face to keep my hair from getting wet. Now that spring is here, I like to use colorful headbands - here is a great frugal way to make your own "stretchy" headbands that stay in place and are cute and cheap, cheap, cheap and don't leave dents in the side of your head. Look around for colored tights, you can get them in any color (I myself am a Goodwill gal, so I get mine second hand). Cut off a "leg", and cut the foot part off. Wrap around your head, stretching so you have some tension to hold it in place once it's on. Then cut to desired length, you can sew together, or simply tie the ends in a knot. Obviously, you will get more than one from one pair. I love these and use them all the time! I even have one in orange. By Carol from Lancaster, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . . Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Dog looks at human and thinks: "My hero, my friend, my buddy." Cat looks at human and thinks: "My can-opener."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Land Down-Under
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Dear Webby: IE getting really slow 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 11, 2009

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. --- W. C. Fields One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. --- Rita Mae Brown Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? --- James Thurber
In the middle of World War II, a draftee goes in for his physical wearing a truss, and with a little convincing acting, gets his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt. Not long after, a friend gets his orders to report for a physical, and he borrows the other fellow's truss. At the end of the examination, the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers. "Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," the examining doctor says. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside-down can certainly ride a camel."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Holiday Inn in Conway, Arkansas Prank caller wreaks havoc on Arkansas hotel JUNE 9--A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department. Details and pictures are at The Smoking Gun According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an prankster. Since a similar prank call was made to a Holiday Inn in Little Rock, Conway cops alerted fellow Arkansas law enforcement officials that "more of these calls could be coming in," according to the police report. --------- That's what they get by lowering the wages!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Francyne Re: Internet Explorer problems Dear Webby, I'm having trouble with Internet Explorer downloading. Takes forever. I ran Norton and deleted some things--worms, I think it said--but it didn't help. Then I ran the SuperAntiSpyware you recommended and it quarantined the same worms, which I then deleted. But still IE is taking forever to come up. Windows Mail and Microsoft Office Word come up fast. I'm at a loss as what to do. Might I mention that I'm computer illiterate. Francyne Dear Francyne Most likely the worms, which Norton failed to stop from coming in, damaged your Internet Explorer, and most likely other stuff too. Until you can get a tech to re-install Windows, I would recommend that you use FireFox as your browser. It is more secure anyway. You can still use IE, but at least you will have a fast and reliable browser available. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate, "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Meal Menu I make a monthly menu and create a shopping list from it. I buy only from that list. This way, everything gets used and there is nothing thrown away. I always take inventory based on my menu and I always leave a day or two open for the unexpected. By Gina from Collegeville, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Puns may be bad, But poetry is verse.
In Germany, a chain of sex shops expanded into the rest areas of the German autobahn offering drivers, ''a saucy alternative to a box of chocolates or a tired bunch of flowers as a last-minute present for their wives on the way home.'' Products include erotic undies, sex toys and these sorts of things. Now churches, concerned that drivers are being led into temptation, have begun opening chapels in those very same rest areas to offer drivers prayer and solace or a quiet place to nap as an alternative to temptation.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Free Attractions in USA
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Dear Webby, is Craigsecure dangerous? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 10, 2009

Never judge a book by its movie. --- J. W. Eagan The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel
Linda had gotten a new job as a reporter at her local newspaper and she was brought in to meet the crusty old editor on her first day on the job. "Names, names," the old editor insisted to the new reporter. "No story is complete without the names of everyone involved." Linda assured him she would make him proud of her reporting abilities, and her first assignment was to write an article on a local disaster. She came back a few hours later and filed this report: Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm. And Fred Morse reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning. Their names were Bessie, Elsie and Bertha.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?" All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly. "Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked. Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Christopher Wilson, 34 in Spokane, Washington Man assists police in own arrest SPOKANE, Wash. - A 34-year-old man was arrested Sunday after returning to a store looking for a bag of methamphetamine he dropped. Police were called to the Ziggy's home improvement store in the 4000 block of N. Market after employees at the store reported finding drugs. Shortly after an employee found the drugs near a checkout stand, 34-year-old Christopher Wilson came into the store searching for an item he lost by the same stand. Wilson did not find what he was looking for but did leave his name and phone number with employees. Store employees were suspicious and decided to check surveillance video. Video clearly showed Wilson dropping the drugs by the counter just minutes before it was found. Employees then called the Spokane Police. An officer arrived and tested the drugs, which came back positive for methamphetamine. Officers used the information Wilson left to track him down at his house where they informed him he was under arrest for Possession of a Controlled Substance.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Arin Re: Is Craigsecure dangerous? Dear Webby, I received a postcard from a "Secret Admirer", telling me to go to craigsecure.com and click on stuff to see his details. Is that safe? Arin Dear Arin No it is definitely NOT safe. Whenever ANY email or postcard mentions Craigsecure.com, Secret Admirer, Secret Love, Family Member, or Classmate, dump it, and delete it from the trash. Those are typical virus distributors. Good Luck DearWebby
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. A friend left me alone in a restaurant with her 16-month-old kid. I asked, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite vegetable and I will not be asked to babysit again.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Catch Drips on Oil Bottles If you are tired of your bottle of cooking oil dripping down the sides of the bottle every time you pour out of it, just cut the ribbed cuff off of one of your husband's old stocking and slide it over the bottle. It will catch all the drips and keep your cupboard shelf clean. When it gets soiled, either launder it or replace it. By Harlean Hot Springs, AR Yuck! I shudder to just think of grabbing a bottle with a sticky, squishy, greasy sock on it! Higher quality oil has a special, thin oil spout or short little pipe, with back-drain holes around it. The oil from that pipe or spout all drains back into the bottle. Once you have a bottle like that, you can always refill it with cheap oil, or move the spout to a cheap bottle. The oil spout is just shoved into the bottle opening and is low enough, so that it does not interfere with the screw-on cap. You can also buy just the oil spout alone at any restaurant supply store, and avoid a messy waste of good oil. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There are only two things a child will share voluntarily: communicable diseases and her mother's age.
Picture this: A Santa Clara County Department of Correction bus is heading for Civic Center after transporting inmates to Elmwood Correctional Facility. All of a sudden, the driver notices he's being followed. Odd, he thinks. It's even more odd when he drives the bus down the intake ramp into the main jail and two vehicles -- a pickup truck and a minivan -- continue to follow right behind. The gates slam shut, officers question the occupants of the two vehicles and the reason for the follow-the-leader routine finally becomes clear. There's been a bit of drinking going on, and the guys think the bus is a greyhound and figure it will lead them to its depot and the restrooms they so desperately need. They get a rest, all right. The pickup driver is arrested for drunken driving. The minivan driver is cited for driving with a suspended license. Their vehicles are impounded. And correction officers are bemused. ``We at DOC have heard of self- surrender, but this is ridiculous,'' says department spokesman Mark Cursi. ``We're now wondering if folks can take the next step: self-booking.''
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Liberia, Crystal of West Africa
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Dear Webby: Comparison of email programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 9, 2009

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong. --- Dandemis
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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You know you're old, ... if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
Mexican Equinox Dancer
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ryan Neaus, 21, of 824 Seybert St., Hazleton, PA Speeder said he was chasing pot thief WEST HAZLETON – Police say a man they arrested in a traffic stop told them he was speeding because he was chasing someone who stole marijuana from him. While borough police were conducting “Buckle Up” – a special grant program to target drivers not using seat belts late Friday night, they stopped a vehicle they said was driving at an extremely high speed and switching lanes without using turn signals. During a traffic stop, police say they observed a glass bowl used for smoking marijuana on the front seat in plain view. Police also found 15 individually packaged baggies of marijuana and 13 ecstasy pills during a search of the vehicle. Police say the driver, Ryan Neaus, 21, of 824 Seybert St., Hazleton, told them he was speeding “because he was chasing the person who just robbed him of his Apple iPhone and three bags of marijuana.” Neaus was charged with possession with intent to deliver, possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia, police said. He was also cited with careless driving and failure to wear a seatbelt.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: AOL Mail Dear Webby, I will be using IE 7 since it works perfectly for me. I use DSL for connection and have canceled AOL except for their free email service. I just can't handle "don't know anything" Indian Techs trying to tell me to do what I have already tried. Thanks for your ear. Felix Dear Felix You get free email with your DSL account! Just call your DSL provider and ask them what your email address is. I would put a high priority on that, since they most likely send their invoice to that address. Then you can use Outlook Depressed, which is already on your computer, or any of the email programs listed here: Wiki Comparison of Email programs IE7 is no problem. They got most of the bugs in it fixed and it works OK now for most sites. Good Luck DearWebby
As Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said. "I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... As they got off the airplane, they passed a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'" "This is Havaii," the man replied. "Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?" As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!" "You're Ferry Velcome!" the Hawaiian called back.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hang Drying Clothing If you don't like the rough feel of your hang-dried clothes then put them in the dryer for about five minutes. If you can deal with rough towels, though, they make for great skin exfoliators after a shower or bath and soften up after the first time using them. By Britt Y. from Boston, MA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket. An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other. "Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Johnny, "Johnny, could you tell me what are we supposed to do to deserve the salvation?" "Yeah, of course" Little Johnny replied. "We're supposed to sin a lot first, so that we got something to be forgiven for!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wind Cave
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: 50x Error 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 8, 2009

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. --- Oscar Wilde If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. --- Mo Udall
Johnny came home from school and told his dad: "Hey, Dad, I lerned that we decended from apes! Neat, huh ?" That didn't go over well at all, so Johnny was told in no uncertaint terms: "YOU might have apes for ancestors, but I sure don't!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements would be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students. The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to also send a dozen or so normal ones ?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Ranck, 54, Miami, Florida Prosecutor not above the law For Miami-Dade County prosecutor David Ranck, Domino's pizza accomplished what courtroom outbursts and a whistle-blower lawsuit against his own boss could not: It got him: temporarily thrown off the job. Ranck, 54, was suspended without pay Monday after he was accused of punching a pizza delivery woman trying to deliver a pie to his Miami Beach condo. Details in the Miami Herald
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Felix Re: 50x Error Dear Webby, "The web address you entered is not available You were trying to go to webby.com" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clicking on "more information" I see: A 50x server error was received attempting to serve your request, indicating that either the server is currently unable to handle the request or the request timed out waiting for a response. The error may have been due to a temporary issue and therefore you could try to access the web address again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have no idea what this means, a google search doesn't seem to help. This message started appearing about a month ago and the "Techs" at AOL don't know any more than I do. (Up until that time I had absolutely no problem. Without attacking AOL, can you give me some information about this? And maybe how to defeat it? (BTW, I am creating another Google email address where I will receive your newsletter.) Oh, something else occurs, too: If I forward your newsletter to Google, AOL says the message was sent. But somehow it never shows up in my email box there. Hmmmmm. Felix Dear Felix That's just a routine AOL screw-up. Once you graduate from AOL and get onto the real Internet, you won't have those problems anymore. I doubt that using a gmail address will be of much help, since you are still going through AOL. They will still find a way to stab you in the back. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, but you can try different AOL "techs". There ARE a few AOLers who did manage to get around the AOL blocks and who receive the newsletters normally. Good Luck DearWebby
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Start a Frugal Club My friends and I have started a "frugal club." We have made frugal living our new hobby. Whenever we find a sale or a new coupon or new website; we share it with each other. We have made it a friendly competition to find local deals. Not only do we find new deals, but we have fun and that is also free. By Leslie from Brandon, MS Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch. He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi. 'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.' 'But Sammy! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately!' 'What shall I do?' 'Give it back to the owner.' 'Do you want it?' 'No, I said return it to its owner.' 'But he doesn't want it.' 'In that case, you can keep it.'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Luminous Landscapes
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Dear Webby: Back on sbcglobal 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  June 7, 2009

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. --- Jules de Gaultier Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own. --- Doug Larson If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. --- Al Bernstein
Most women have these two complaints: nothing to wear and not enough closet space!
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An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. "This guy must have messed up the settings way too much," the off-duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Effects of Global Cooling
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Antoine Mitchell and Michael Jorda, 21 of Bronx, NY Muggers flee into cop car
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vic Re: Back on sbcglobal Dear Webby, WELCOME BACK! YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT AFTER MONTHS OF RECEIVING YOUR LETTER WITHOUT ANY CONTENT, IT CAME THRU TODAY AS OF OLD. WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING. VIC Dear Vic Keep in mind that sbcglobal is actually just Yahoo for those who are ashamed of the Yahoo label. When they screw up the formatting and you don't see the content, it IS there, they just moved it a few feet to the right. If you hit FORWARD, as if you were going to show somebody how screwed up Yahoo is, then they instantly fix the formatting and show you what they have been hiding. So, if they revert to hiding the content, just hit FORWARD. Have FUN! DearWebby
Make love, not war. Or, if you want to do both, you have to get married!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
Morris bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I gonna find a fake Jeep for $19.95?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Luminous Landscapes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Superantispyware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  June 6, 2009

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. --- Cecil Baxter I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. --- General George S. Patton
Thanks to Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ for this: Cleaning Poem I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'computering', And I had to answer 'yes.' He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work. I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and -- oops, I found A real absorbing site. That I got SO way into it. I was into it all night. Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!" "Oy Vey!" said Abe, "Behind a taxi you could have run, and saved $20.00!"
Thanks to AJ for this picture: Dwarf Iris
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Cordera Bracy, 22, of Orlando, Florida Toy gun doesn't work well in robbery DEBARY -- A DeBary man tackled an Orlando woman trying to rob him in his driveway and held her until deputies arrived to arrest her despite her pleas to be released because she was a girl, deputies said. Cordera Bracy, 22, was arrested and charged with armed robbery and possession of cocaine, said sheriff spokesman Brandon Haught this morning. Bracy According to Haught, Michael Page, 50, had just returned to his Volusia Drive home in DeBary after cashing a check on Wednesday at 7:55 p.m. and was accosted by Bracy, holding what appeared to be a gun. When Page did not move fast enough, Bracy cocked the gun and Page heard what he described as an "oddly plastic sound," Haught said. Page fought back, and chased after Bracy who tried to escape. He tackled her to the ground, grabbed the gun from Bracy and hit her in the head with it several times, causing the plastic gun to break into several pieces, Haught said. Page then started punching Bracy, who had her face covered with a black shirt, and that's when Bracy said, "I'm a girl, sir. I'm sorry. Let me go, It won't happen again," a sheriff's report said. Page told deputies he may have seen Bracy at the check-cashing store in Sanford where he had cashed a $400 check, the report said. When deputies searched Bracy, they said they found a container in her right front pocket that had two pieces of crack cocaine inside, the report said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Dump Adware Dear Webby, http://SUPERAntiSpyware.com gets rid of adware Dianne Dear Dianne Right. I have heard a lot of good things about that program. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two die-hard golfers saw some kids fishing at the lake. One said to the other, "Look at those idiots fishing in the rain!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Patch Kids Pants With Shirt Sleeves Save the fabric when you turn a winter long-sleeved shirt into a summer short-sleeved shirt and use this fabric to patch the knees or add length to kids pants. The shirt can then be worn with the pants as a cute matching set! This tip works great for kids, but can also be used for adult clothes as well. By Frugal Mom Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Linda invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I don't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," her mother told her. The daughter bowed her head and said: "Good Lord! Why on earth did I invite all these ungrateful dingbats to dinner?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Global Avian Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to get rid of Adware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  June 5, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. --- Voltaire Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. --- Jules Renard Whatever it is the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government do it to somebody else. --- PJ Orourke
Upon her engagement, the exuberant young woman went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ms Leibovitz heard rumors that there was sexual harrassment going on at New York City Transit and went to work there. However, when nobody lived up to that rumor and provided her with any sexual harrassment, she sued the Transit authority that having to worry about getting sexually harrassed or not, was a form of sexual harrassment and caused her to gain weight. She was originally awarded $60 000, however last Wednesday the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw out the jury award and reversed a lower court judge's ruling supporting it. As of now, not getting sexual harrassment is not a form of sexual harrassment.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Randall Fredric Walker, 38 and Jason Warren Dietrich, 35 of Daytona Beach, Florida Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Bank robbers getaway car runs out of gas DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Authorities say they've arrested two suspected bank robbers after their getaway vehicle ran out of gas. Daytona Beach police say 38-year-old Randall Fredric Walker went into the Riverside National Bank Tuesday afternoon and demanded money from a teller. After leaving the bank with the money, authorities say Walker jumped into a Jeep Cherokee driven by 35-year-old Jason Warren Dietrich. The two didn't get far before the vehicle ran out of gas. The men got out of the sport utility vehicle and left the area separately. But police found the abandoned SUV and traced it back to Dietrich, the registered owner. Both men face bank robbery charges. They were being held on $50,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mary Re: Adware Dear Webby, I have a question. At some point in the past 3 weeks, my computer has become infected with Adware. Each week, my McAfee identifies the Adware as a suspect program, and I have McAfee delete the program. But each time my computer shuts down, it re-installs the Adware! I have searched the program files to try and find the program to uninstall it, but I have had no luck. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks! Mary Dear Mary Adware is a generic name for all kinds or different adware type programs. Some of them are really nasty and cripple all the major brands of anti-virus programs. Others come in with permission and invitation. When you download and run certain software, and click on agreeing to the six miles of small print, you agree to run their adware in lieu of paying cash for their software. Because you agreed to that as a form of payment, anti-malware companies can't really legitimately "dump your mortgage", that you agreed to pay. They got and get sued. That is why some of them, like Spyware-Search&Destroy are hiding in Europe and act as volunteer based non-profit organizations, that can't be sued. Without knowing which of the many Adware type programs you are stuck with, I can only suggest that you run Spyware-Search&Destroy or if that does not help, try Adaware. Have FUN! DearWebby
"When you exit this vehicle, please lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While meeting with a client he wished to impress, a big executive flipped on his intercom and barked to his secretary, "Miss Jones, get my broker on the line." "Yes sir," came back a voice, "Pawn or Marriage?"
A car was involved in an accident. As one might expect, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, pushed and struggled to get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through please! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. In front of the car was an injured donkey, and a TV reporter anxious to interview the son of the victim.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pet Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Miracle utility program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  June 4, 2009


The Global Cooling officially announced by Dear Webby on April 1st 2009 has now been confirmed by the scientific community. Fox News Global Research Good summary below all the number stuff. Hypster Gore will have to come up with a different swindle.
I find it silly that all those psychics claim they know my future and the winning lottery numbers, yet they fail miserably in predicting that my MailWasher dumps their drivel without even showing it to me. It just shows as a percentage in the weekly stats.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell -- the nut has gone to heaven."
Just-Half-an-Inch! Nitpickers! Guess he should have taken his mother-in-law along after all.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 16 year old purse snatcher in Hillsboro, Oregon Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Senior bowlers strike down Hillsboro purse thief by John Snell, The Oregonian Friday May 29, 2009, 9:29 PM HILLSBORO - It turned out to be Pound-A-Punk day Wednesday at the Hillsboro Park Lanes Family Entertainment Center, a bowling alley in Hillsboro. A 16-year-old would-be thief reportedly tried to swipe two purses from tables inside the bowling alley at 6360 S.E. Alexander St. Then, at least from the teen's perspective, things went terribly awry. The purses weren't the easy pickings he apparently thought they'd be. They belonged to two ladies from V.I.P. Summer Trio, a senior league, said Lanes owner Dean Johnson. The women, along with other bowlers from the senior league, blocked the 16-year-old's escape through an exit on the building's west side. When he ran toward the glass doors at the building's front, league members were in hot and loud pursuit. "One lady started screeching," said Nathan Krawitz, 44, who saw the whole thing. Johnson said others in the league also sprang into action. "A bunch of the senior ladies and senior men started hollering at him and chased him," Johnson said. "That's when Steve, my son, kind of held him down." The center's front door is sliding glass that confused the thief long enough for his 22-year-old son to come at him from behind the counter and pin the purse-snatcher to the floor. Several of the senior bowlers dog-piled the teen and held him until police arrived. Two Hillsboro officers were there within minutes, rescued the flattened 16-year-old and took him into custody, said Lt. Michael Rouches, spokesman for the Hillsboro Police. Rouches said the boy was held on accusations of resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and third-degree robbery. He was taken to the Donald E. Long Juvenile Home in Northeast Portland. Krawitz, who bowls in the V.I.P. Summer Trio league, said he believes the youth's big mistake came when he selected his victims.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dee Re: Miracle utility program Dear Webby, I just received a newsletter from Cloudeight Stationery and they are suggesting software called 'Reimage'. It supposedly does the following: * Troubleshoot 1 computer using Geek Squad tools * Repair any operating system issues (boot issues, blue screens, etc.) using Geek Squad tools * Remove all viruses, spyware, malware and rootkits on the computer * Apply AgentTweaks, modifications and all operating system critical updates * Perform computer optimization * Test operating system for proper functionality * Provide you with an estimated cost for hardware repair(s) or upgrade(s) needed to provide a complete solution Souunds too good to be true. Is it? : ) Have you heard of this product and what is your opinion? I'm a long time subscriber and appreciate the Q&A on computers and love the jokes! Thanks, Dee : ) Dear Dee ...but no partridge in a pear tree? That program may indeed include some tools, that could be handy for geeks. However, I doubt that it would do you much good. Remember how fast your computer was when you bought it, before you put all kinds of speeder-uppers and utilities on it? The best way to speed things up and make everything more reliable, is to get rid of all that stuff, not adding even more. Have FUN! DearWebby
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 40s.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Potato Water for Watering Ivy When boiling potatoes, save the cooking water. Let it cool off completely. Then you can water your ivy plants with the potato water. You will be surprised with how pretty, green and shiny the leaves will get. By Annette from Tyler, TX That works quite well for your herb and spice box too. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied... "Hmmm, maybe THAT's why nobody lent them a car !"
There was an old Captain of a very old ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside that box. Then one day he died and in his testament he wrote: "Now you can open the black box." So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper, on it was written "Starboard is right, port is left."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Dear Webby was right!
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I copy pictures from email? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  June 3, 2009


The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois. --- Gustave Flaubert All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. --- Socratex
Daley, now 75, was eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning with Ethel, her best friend. Ethel noticed something funny about Daley's ear. She said, "Daley, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said: "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him. "Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Thanks to Frank for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 22 year old mother in Rheinbach, Germany Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Diaper Dope A young mother has been caught trying to smuggle amphetamines into a Rheinbach prison using her baby’s diaper, police in the state of North Rhine-Westphalia reported on Monday. The arrest provided clues that led to a larger bust in Siegburg. Police arrested the 22-year-old mother and her 41-year-old husband after a prison visit security check last Thursday, during which they found 15 grammes of amphetamines and 46 ecstasy pills in their 17-month-old daughter’s diaper. The mother also had 12 grammes of amphetamines hidden in her clothing. The family had come to visit the woman’s father, who is an inmate at the facilty. But the drug find rendered the “visit to father and grandfather no more,” a police report said. During their investigation of the incident, police discovered clues to a Siegburg couple already in the sights of local police. Fourteen officers with dogs searched their mobile home at a camping area and found 166 ecstasy pills, 530 grammes of amphetamine paste, 60 grammes of amphetamines and a Browning pistol with ammunition. The 61-year-old man and 59-year-old woman were arrested but later released after giving statements, police said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Copying pictures from mail Webby, how do I click on a picture (like some you show on your Humor letter) and make it a wallpaper for 1024x768. I have tried some that come in blurry or has six or more pictures of it on the screen. Thank you for you help. Love your letter and always appreciate your help. Carolyn Dear Carolyn Keep in mind that newsletter pictures are resized down to newsletter column size, about 550 wide. Stretching them to 1024 will usually make them look quite awful. In many cases I still have the original, which might be 3000 wide, and can easily send you one in 1024 x 768. Just tell me, preferably within a day or so, which picture you want in 1024. Chances are that you won't be the only one wanting it in that size. Have FUN! DearWebby
Neither of Sue's kids ever understood her logic. Somehow they failed to see why they had to go to bed when she was tired.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Photograph Your Belongings for Insurance Purposes Take your digital camera around the house and photograph everything you own. This is such an easy way to catalog your possessions for insurance purposes. I can't believe how quick this is and how nice it is to have a file saved in photos of my possessions. Once you have done this you can then proceed to place a value on each of your items. By KG from Davis, CA Don't forget to back up that file somewhere far from your computer, either onto your web site or with a Mozy remote backup. If you go through THIS link to Mozy, and get the unlimited backup, not just the free 2 GB backup, you can use my promo code and get 15% off during June: JUNE15 If you use any other link, that promo code won't work. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."
Little Johnny was rough housing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Johnny, I know you love Wilbur, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge hairy monster picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?" Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Agnes was here to squeeze the cake out of me!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pamukkale
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I type an acute e? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  June 2, 2009


Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." --- Benjamin Franklin
Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter. Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father. Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

From Lillemor: E-Mail WARNING If you get an e-mail titled "Nude Photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi. ---- Scary!
What are these? My Saskatoon berry bushes in bloom!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award goes to Cameron Chana, 22, Clarendon Hills, and Justin Sleezer, 22, Yorkville Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Two killed standing up on bus in Illinois CHAMPAIGN, Ill. (UPI) -- Two men were killed on an Illinois highway when they stood up on an open-air double-decker bus as it went under a bridge, the Champaign County coroner said. Cameron Chana, 22, Clarendon Hills, and Justin Sleezer, 22, Yorkville, died of head injuries suffered when the charter bus drove under an overpass on Interstate 57 Saturday night. Police said the pair had stood up just before the bus went under the bridge at Illinois 16, The (Champaign, Ill.) News-Gazette reported Monday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Francyne Re: Acute e Dear Webby, How do you put an apostrophe over a letter within a word, such as the last e in Rene? Thanks for your help. F. Dear Francyne A fine black felt pen seems to work best for that. If it is on the monitor, use a dry erase marker. If you want the characters è or ë or é or ê then keep in mind that they are totally different characters and no more related to the e than the u is. You can get the é with ALT and 0233 on the numeric keypad. Or the è with ALT 0232 Notice how the slant of the accent makes a difference and requires a different key. A regular e would be ALT 0101 Have FUN! DearWebby
Morris was at his usual place sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of smarts and common sense. He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest bozos get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" His wife enthusiastically responds with, "Yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch, fart and watch the TV."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "Because God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cool Quiz
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, how do you make the Cent sign? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  June 1, 2009


I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. --- Shelley Winters The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. --- Ralph W. Sockman
A man who smelled like a bar at closing time, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained and his collar showed some liptsick smears. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,Father, what causes arthritis?" "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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"I would like some vitamins for my son," the mother said as she walked into the pharmacy. "Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist. "It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to National Car Parks in London, England Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ £840 (US$1,376) fine for mum in yellow line trap Money-grabbing council contractors lifted up a mum's car, painted double yellow lines under it and then towed it away. Stunned Ruth Ducker, 44, was told she would have to cough up £840 (US$1,376) to get her VW Golf back. She protested - but it took two months for the council to admit what had happened and by then fines had piled up to £2,240, (US$ 3,669) reports The Sun. Contractors National Car Parks had also towed the car a day before the no parking zone came into force. It was only when Ruth's MP Kate Hoey took up the case that the fines were waived. Mum-of-two Ruth, of Camberwell, South London, said: "What they did was disgraceful." A spokesman for Lambeth Council said yesterday: "This was an unacceptable case. We are very sorry." He said Ruth had been offered compensation of £150.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Cent sign Dear Webby, Is there an Alt code for 'cents' sign. Thanks again!! Cookie Dear Cookie ALT 155 produces ¢ Make sure your NUM LOCK is turned on, and you type the 155 on the numeric keypad. Have FUN! DearWebby
Morris and Sam have been at odds all through the school year, however, they decide to forgive each other for any unkind actions and thoughts before the summer holidays. "And," says Morris, "I wish you, what you would wish for me." Sam yelled, "Are you ALREADY starting getting hostile again?"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090601@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Covered Wire for Plant Ties When your children or grandchildren receive gifts of toys which are secured to the packaging with all those nice plastic coated wires, volunteer to help them get it off by untwisting it instead of cutting it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: US Census Bureau
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby, is IE8 better than IE6? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  May 31, 2009


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --- Woody Allen
Only yesterday in 1898 it was made illegal to package children up and send them by parcel-post. Seems the kids kept getting out of their boxes and messing with the mail.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it snaps off or comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
Thanks to Nita for this picture: Band Tailed Pigeons in our back yard all trying to eat at the same time. They come up here from Calif. every Spring & stay here 6 weeks to raise their young & then are gone till next year. Nita
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman hits guard with baby MEMPHIS (UPI) -- A Tennessee woman who allegedly borrowed a friend's baby to go shoplifting has been charged with abusing the boy by using him to assault a security guard. Camilla Fields, 26, of Memphis is charged with both child abuse and assault, The (Memphis) Commercial Appeal reported. Police say Fields, who was holding the 2-month-old boy in a car seat, swung it at a Wal-Mart security guard last Wednesday. The boy's mother, Stacey Cleaves, 26, was outside the store during the incident, police said. She allegedly provided false information about Fields and is charged with false reporting and child neglect. Investigators say Fields took the baby into a bathroom and pretended to change his diaper, actually concealing stolen items. When she hit the guard with the car seat, it fell, landing with the baby face down. She picked it up and ran off, pushing it at the guard. The boy fell from the seat. Fields drove off, leaving the unconscious baby behind, police said. The baby was revived by an EMT and a passerby, and taken to a hospital. He was not seriously injured police said. Cleaves allegedly told police Fields was the boy's aunt and that her name was Darrin.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: IE8 Dear Webby, I am very happy with IE-6 ,what can you tell us about IE-8 ? I have IE-7 Blocked.Will this IE - 8 be any better than IE-6 ? Thanks Bob C Dear Bob Since you are happy with IE6, stick with it. If you want a better browser, use FireFox. It has become the mainstream browser and a lot of the more advanced sites insist on either FireFox or Opera. I have not heard anything good about IE8, that would cause me to waste time getting used to it's peculiarities. Have FUN! DearWebby
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and ran out swinging her rolling pin. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Place Rewards Coupons In Your Wallet When I get a Walgreen's Register Rewards coupon or an CVS store ECB coupon, etc. (ones that are usually high values) and I don't want to miss out on using before they expire, I put a brightly colored yard sale pricing dot on them and put them in my dollar bill slot in my wallet. When I open my wallet to pay for something, they're in plain view and easily spotted. So I don't miss out on taking advantage of them. By Terri from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Rose for this one: I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
The police in Tampa, Florida have been having a tough time enforcing the new anti-stripper laws because the lingerie studios and massage parlors along US 19, many of whom are fronts for private strip shows, will no longer undress for a customer unless the customer undresses first, and the police are not allowed to strip while on duty. The police have been unable to get any criminal cases going.
Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fuzzy pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  May 30, 2009



It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. --- Jerome K. Jerome
Thanks to Jai for this story: We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences..... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Thanks to Walter for this story: A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Thanks to Martin for this picture: Montana Hot tub
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ilnes Lorbach, 36, in Berlin, Germany Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ 252-lb hooker 'one woman demolition job' BERLIN (UPI) -- Numerous neighbors of a 252-pound prostitute in Berlin are asking a judge to put her out of business because of the shaking of her apartment. Tenants of the building where Ilnes Lorbach, 36, lives and legally entertains her prostitution clients, the sex worker's lovemaking causes their apartments to shake, the British tabloid The Sun reported Thursday. One neighbor told the court a pair of valuable Baccarat crystal glasses fell from a shelf and broke as a result of the shaking. Carolso Hoffmann, who lives next door to Lorbach, compared his living situation to "that film 'Earthquake.'" "I don't know if the earth moved for her clients but it did for us," he said. "When you have a 100-plus kilo women grappling like a wildebeest with her clients then you know about it, you really do. She's a one-woman demolition job." Lorbach told the court she is "a mother and as a working woman," attempts to be "as discreet as possible." The judge in the case reserved judgment for "a later date." Seems he wants to check this out personally. ------------ A traditional stone or concrete building might be more suitable for her than a flexible glass and steel highrise.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maureen Re: Fuzzy pictiures Dear Webby, Lately I noticed that most of my pictures are just a bit fuzzy, definitely not as clear as they used to be. Do digital cameras go bad after a few years? Maureen Dear Maureen All cameras get dirty lenses after a while. If you cleaned your glasses as rarely as you clean your camera lenses, you probably could not find your way to the outhouse. Cut an old, well washed t-shirt into handkerchief size pieces, blow the dust off the lens, then spray the lens with your favorite glass cleaner and gently wipe it clean with the cloth. If your camera has one of those tiny lennses, you can also use Q-tips. Just avoid paper, so that you don't scratch the coating on the lens. Have FUN! DearWebby
Stalin appears before Russian President Vladimir Putin in a dream, and asks what he can do to help. "What can I do?" Putin groans. "The economy is collapsing, the miners are on strike, the army is useless and nobody treats us with any respect." "Shoot the entire government and then paint the Kremlin blue," says Stalin. "Why blue?" "I had a feeling you'd only want to discuss the second half."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Craigslist Bargains I do a lot of shopping on craigslist. I have found that I get the best bargains at the end of the month when many people are moving, and don't want to move something to their new home. If the item they are trying to sell is in the basement, they will often take less. My most recent find was a trundle bed with two mattresses for $10.00. By Liz from New Baden, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sign in a veterinarian's office: All unattended children will be given a free kitten.
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jill, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."
Thnks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Metro Cams
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Automatic backup to the web 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  May 29, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!"


It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. --- Abraham Lincoln
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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Here is a classic favorite: A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz, OK?" The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steel and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will have to choose another wish." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what do they really mean when they say 'NOTHING is bothering them', what are their true desires and needs? Basically... what makes them tick?!?" The genie stared at him for a while, and blinked a few times. Finally, after what seemed hours, he replied: "So, do you want two lanes on your bridge, or four?"
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of the burrowing owls across the street from her.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a Polish National in Nottingham, England Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Dad tried to hire hooker for son, 14 A man who tried to hire a prostitute to fix his 14-year-old son's virginity as a present was spared jail by a British court on Friday. The Polish national took the boy out in his car and allowed him to pick out the prostitute, who was standing at the side of the road in the red-light district of Nottingham, central England. But the 42-year-old father was arrested, because the teenager had chosen an undercover police officer, Nottingham Crown Court heard. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was handed a 10-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, after he admitted a charge of trying to solicit a woman to have sex with a child, the Press Association reported. Prosecutor Adrian Harris said the man and his son had approached the undercover officer whose code name was Sarah and beckoned her over. 'Will she do?' He asked "Sarah" how much it would cost for her to have sex with his son and they agreed on a $30 fee. However, when the car pulled over, the man was arrested by plainclothes police officers. Judge Jonathan Teare said he would spare the father jail because of his excellent character and that he believed he did not mean any harm to his son.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Automatic backup to the net Dear Webby, I tried that Mozy automatic backup, but I got this message about "reticulating splines". That sounded kinda scary, so I shut it down. What does that mean? Ellen Dear Ellen Don't worry about that message. It's an old programmer's joke, and used when a formal explanation would just confuse you. You probably configured it to back up quite a few GigaBytes, and have a fragmented hard drive. So it is bouncing around like a spastic Yo-Yo, mapping all the fragments and making a schedule for doing the file transfers as fast as possible. Just let it do that. Eventually that message will change to a different one, and a while later you will get the progress message with the slider, where you can adjust between quicker backup and faster computer. THEN you can mess with it. If you want to watch a uTube movie, move the slider towards "Faster Computer". If you are just reading or writing, move it towards "Quicker Backup". Your first backup will take a long time. After that it only backs up what has changed, which won't be much, and will be quite unobtrusive in the background. It is best to start with a small backup of just the most important stuff, and gradually add more and more to it, until your entire machine is backed up. However, there is no point in backing up programs or Windows. Those need to be re-installed anyway, if you lose the drive or the machine. Those of you, who don't have Mozy yet, you can get it from http://webby.com/mozy You can back up 2 GigaByte totally free, or an unlimited amount for $4.95. If you ever lose a drive or a computer, you will kick yourself severely, if you have not taken advantage of at least the free 2 GigaByte backup. Have FUN! DearWebby
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Shade Trees to Conserve Energy I have a large shade tree on the south side of my property that keeps the summer sun off of my mobile home. This shade tree makes such a big difference that I rarely need air conditioning. It's a large cedar, but any fast growing tree will work. If you plant a tree that looses it's leaves in the fall, then you'll still get the benefit of winter sunshine to help heat your home! By Cyinda from Near Seattle Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra: TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is? JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra. TEACHER: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant. TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant? TEACHER: Very good, Jane. They come to the baboon cage. TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is? No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly. TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try? BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a politician.
Not long after their wedding, the newlyweds awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met again in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with the husband, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" he asked "Toast and juice." replied the bride.
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I copy uTube videos? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  May 28, 2009


After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --- Cato the Elder If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. --- Dean Martin This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop. --- Alfred Hitchcock
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a university graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you had no skills," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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In a traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at that table and write 500 times: ‘I drove through a red light even though I knew it is against the law.' ! Then, and only then, you can have a three minute potty break, before writing it another 500 times. "

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kira V in Russia Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Woman blasts off boyfriend’s penis with firecrackers 25 May, 05:07 PM A Russian woman got so upset by the news that her boyfriend intended to leave her that she tied several firecrackers to his penis and exploded them, the Life.ru web-site reports. The 33-year-old victim, identified as Alik D. had lived with the woman whose name was reported as Kira V. for about two years, but when the girlfriend started suggesting that they should marry, the man refused and said that he would rather return to his first wife with whom he had a son. When Alik started moving out Kira suggested that they had a farewell dinner. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking Alik fell asleep. The girlfriend tied several firecrackers to Alik’s penis and exploded them. The man was rushed to intensive care and doctors are reported to be fighting for his life. Even if the man survives the girl will face about 12 years imprisonment. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish Re: How do you copy uTube videos? Dear Webby, How are you and yours, I'm loving your dads pics specially the one yesterday. Not sure if you can tell me how to do what I want it's probably illegal but here goes. I would love to put the 'Strauss Spring' bonus link today on a DVD for my mother as she can't go outdoors anymore and would love it so much, I can imagine her lying in her bed at night watching it on her tv conducting away as she did. Thanks if you can help, "no worries" if you cant, and regards, Trish Dear Trish I googled for it and got: Copy uTube videos Take your pick, or try them all and tell me which one you liked best! I quickly tried the first one of that big selection of programs and services, and it worked fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "Knowing Murphy like I do, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He climbed out of the vat three times to go to the men's room."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hang Shelves in Front of Your Windows If you need more space and have no place to hang shelves you can hang open-backed shelves in front of your windows. In the kitchen, this is a great place to store colored glass ware (like depression or cobalt glass) because the sun looks great shining through the glass. And in a craft room you can put clear plastic shoe boxes with your crafts inside. Just remember to never store fabric or things that can absorb moisture on a window shelf, but window shelves are a great place to store your pottery, dishes and glasses! By CDR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Fred said his dad bought his Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh," he said, " My Dad persuaded her to switch to a clarinet." "How come?" I asked. "Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I can never remember where I park my car, where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment and considered the real priorities, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
Bonus Link: Dante's Prayer
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Palisades collections scam 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  May 27, 2009


Cherish the chase as much as you treasure the trophy. --- Joe Caruso:
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Finally, when he could take it any longer, he jumped up, and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, Harold, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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That reminds me, ... do you know the main difference between a violin and a viola ? A viola apparently burns longer.
Thanks to dad for this picture: Echinopsus, they really thrive on neglect.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ezederick Jones, 18, in Memphis, Tennessee Sent in by Lucille from http://couple-or-not.com/ Big eyed robber MEMPHIS, May 25 (UPI) -- Police in Memphis said the large eye holes in a robber's mask allowed a KFC manager to recognize him as a recently fired employee. KFC manager Laketa Hollowell said she unlocked the front door of the restaurant Saturday morning after hearing a knock at the back door and a masked man armed with a knife rushed into the business and demanded money from a safe, the Memphis Commercial Appeal reported Monday. Hollowell said she recognized the man as Ezederick Jones, 18, an employee who had been fired the previous day, because of the large eye holes in his mask. Her hand was cut during a struggle with the man and he fled after she addressed him by name, investigators said. The manager called police and Jones was found by officers and arrested within hours, investigators said. .
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Collection Scam Dear Webby, Somehow I have gotten on Palisades collection scam list & they have called my home every day for weeks now. How do I get these annoying calls stopped? Thank you for your Humor Newsletter it makes my day! Nita Dear Nita Personally, I would harass the heck out of them with all kinds of pranks, but in your case it probably would be best to report the idjits to the police. That's what you pay taxes for. What or who are they trying to collect for? Is it a person on the phone, or automated crap ? Have FUN! DearWebby
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 090501@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freeze Berries on a Baking Pan We are blessed to have a raspberry and blackberry patch. I love to freeze the berries and have them to use all winter long. I have found that the berries keep better and do not stick together in a big lump by first spraying a baking pan with cooking spray, then placing the berries in a single layer on the pan, and freezing until firm. Then I carefully scoop them off and put them in plastic freezer bags. This idea comes from years of trying other methods. By Goatlady from Vermont Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In a big city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends."
It takes a second to become infatuated with someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget some people.
Bonus Link: Mozart medley
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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