Friday, June 22, 2012, 10:29 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, June 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
By the time you read this, I will be on my way to Calgary.
I have to go for injections into my eyes again. That means no
Saturday newsletter tomorrow.
By Sunday I'll see the keyboard again.
Got some sad news today. Long time friend and subscriber and
frequent contributor Martin died today. Apparently he went
for some overdue surgery to have a cyst removed, and it
seems there was one medical blooper after another,
which resulted in kidney failure, and ultimately, his death.
I will miss him.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1497 Antitax insurrection in Cornwall suppressed at Blackheath
1611 Henry Hudson & son set adrift in Hudson Bay by mutineers
1772 Slavery outlawed in England
1807 British board USS Chesapeake, a provocation leading to War of 1812
1808 Zebulon Pike reaches his peak
1815 2nd abdication of Napoleon (after Waterloo)
1847 Doughnut created
1848 Barnburners (anti-slavery) party nominates Martin Van Buren for Pres
1851 Fire destroys part of SF
1873 Prince Edward Island joins Canada
1910 1st airship with passengers Zeppelin Deutscheland
1911 King George V of England crowned
1936 Harry Froboess dives 110 m from airship into Bodensee
1940 France falls to Nazi Germany; armistice signed, France disarmed
1941 Finland invades Karelia
1941 Germany, Italy & Romania declare war on Soviet Union
1983 1st and only time a satellite is retrieved from orbit by Space Shuttle
1990 Florida passes a law prohibits wearing a thong bathing suit
1991 Underwater volcano, Mount Didicas, erupts in Phillipines
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
 |
No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.
--- Yogi Berra
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
--- Saki
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free
is that sex for money costs less.
--- Brendan Francis.
Fix PC Errors with Ease.
Easily Scan, Repair and Speed up PC.
Registry Easy™ is the award-winning Windows Registry Cleaner
that helps you scan your PC. Safely clean the errors and
invalid entries, which cause system slowdown, freezing and
crashing! Repair registry problems easily!
Improve your PC performance!
Get Registry Easy™now!
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful
for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give
you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when,
if through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax at any given moment,
If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then,........
You are probably a dog.
Guilt Free Deserts!
These desserts had to be truly healthy!
Guilt-Free Desserts:
Your Guide to Better Baking
Featuring 50 All-Natural, Fail-Proof,
Gluten Free & Low-Glycemic Desserts
from "The healing Gourmet".
Not only will you have 50 new dessert recipes,
you will also have all the information you need to
makeover your favorite family desserts,
with just a few simple substitutions to make them
healthy and/or lower cost.
You deserve Guilt Free Deserts!
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to
the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile
of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the
piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed.
"I left the tickets on it."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
David Groover, 43, Osceola, Florida
David Groover - School Principal -
Charged With Grooving, ahem
Selling Drugs Out Of His Home
David Groover, a 43-year-old elementary school principal
was jailed after he was caught selling drugs out of his home.
According to the Osceola County Sheriff's Office, an
investigation was launched after police received a
complaint about drug activity at Groover's residence.
During an the investigation, Groover reportedly sold drugs
to several undercover officers at his home. Grover was
apprehended, and a search of his home recovered
methamphetamine, marijuana, GHB, and drug
paraphernalia.
Investigators say Groover had been an employee for
the Osceola Public School District since 1992. He
has held several positions with the district including
teacher, dean, assistant principal, and most recently
a principal of Partin Settlement Elementary School.
The district stated that he is being reassigned to a
position that does not involve students, and that
they will launch their own investigation pending
results of the law enforcement investigation.
According to court records, in 2009, Groover
was arrested for driving while intoxicated, but
he was acquitted by a jury three months after
his arrest.
Groover was booked into jail and charged
with delivery of methamphetamine, delivery
of GHB-controlled substance, possession
of methamphetamine, possession of
GHB-controlled substance, possession
of controlled substance - stanozolol, possession of
cannabis under 20 grams and possession of drug
paraphernalia.
His career is now finished.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: What kind of monitor?
Dear Webby
I seem to have misplaced the note I made for the screen
resolution you suggested for a monitor. I have an old
Dell 17" and want to get a larger flat screen.
Thanks, Bob
ps: Thanks for the Birthday Wish. At least made it to 79!
Bob
Dear Bob
Get the biggest 4:3 monitor, that you can afford.
It may take a bit of searching, and being undiplomatic
with sales staff, who want to push wide aspect
ratio monitors.
When they tell you, that 4:3 monitors are no
longer available, tell them they are incompetent liars
and where to stuff the wide aspect ratio crap.
Often you can find 4:3 ratio monitors on
http://pricegrabber.com.
I got mine, a 22" Lenovo 4:3 with 1600 x 1200 resolution
there for under $200 a couple of years ago.
It was a "refurb". From the looks of it, somebody did not
read the instructions and returned it. I read the
instructions, and it works just fine.
You may have to check there frequently, because
4:3 monitors are always in demand and bargains
don't last. If you see one, 21" or larger with 4:3
aspect ratio, grab it fast.
You can also go in through the Business entrance
at DELL. Just pretend you are a big corporation.
In there they have not only 4:3 but even 3:4 portrait
monitors for word processing.
Don't settle for a 16:9 ratio wide screen, unless the
height is at least 1200 pixels, and you can rotate it
to portrait format. Windows has no problem at all
with displaying in portrait format.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Create Stick Sculptures to Attract Birds
This tip is "for the birds" in your garden. I don't throw
away large sticks that fall during storms, instead I keep
them and use them to make stick sculptures for the birds.
They add whimsy to my garden and the birds LOVE to
land on them because after all they are sticks from real
trees. I started with a plain garden hook and just attached
the sticks as I found them and it's an ever changing
sculpture. You can add birdhouses or anything you
want to, but I guarantee you that the birds will land on
it and land on it often!
By Jeanasina from Richfield, MN
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-nineties) walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed,
smelling slightly of a good after-shave, hair well-groomed,
great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave,
well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good-
looking, do I come here often?"
[ view entry ]
( 277 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 334 )
Thursday, June 21, 2012, 09:29 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 21
Tommorrow morning I have to go for injections into my
eyes again. That means no Saturday newsletter.
By Sunday I'll see the keyboard again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1498 Jews are expelled from Nurenberg Bavaria
1633 Galileo Galilei is forced by Inquisition to "abjure, curse, &
detest" his Copernican heliocentric views
1919 Germans scuttle their own fleet
1948 1st stored computer program run, on Manchester Mark I
1989 Supreme Court rules ok to burn US flag as a political expression
1990 25,000 die in Iranian Earthquake
1990 US House of Reps vote 254-177 to stop
US flag burning, doesn't pass
Hong Kong, Taiwan : Dragon Boat Festival
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
In great affairs men show themselves as they wish
to be seen; in small things they show themselves
as they are.
--- Nicholas Chamfort
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
--- James Thurber
I think politics is based on that concept.
Fix PC Errors with Ease.
Easily Scan, Repair and Speed up PC.
Registry Easy™ is the award-winning Windows Registry Cleaner
that helps you scan your PC. Safely clean the errors and
invalid entries, which cause system slowdown, freezing and
crashing! Repair registry problems easily!
Improve your PC performance!
Get Registry Easy™now!
A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him
to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The
little boy turned to his mother and said,
"Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't have
to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there
He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always ready
to help you when you need him." she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went
to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the
darkness, he called
"Jesus? If you're REALLY out there, would you please hand
me the broom?"
Guilt Free Deserts!
These desserts had to be truly healthy!
Guilt-Free Desserts:
Your Guide to Better Baking
Featuring 50 All-Natural, Fail-Proof,
Gluten Free & Low-Glycemic Desserts
from "The healing Gourmet".
Not only will you have 50 new dessert recipes,
you will also have all the information you need to
makeover your favorite family desserts,
with just a few simple substitutions to make them
healthy and/or lower cost.
You deserve Guilt Free Deserts!
"Information. Can I help you?"
"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."
"One moment, please."
Pause.
"I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."
"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization.
It's Theater Guild."
"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guilt."
"Not *Theodore*!
*Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"
"That, *sir*, is NOT the way we spell Theodore."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Jacqueline Toro-Williams, 37, in Akron, Ohio
Pimped Out 11-Year-Old Daughter
Jacqueline Toro-Williams, a 37-year-old Ohio woman has been
jailed after she allegedly pimped out her daughter, beginning
when the girl was just 11 years old.
According to police, Toro-Williams pimped her daughter out
"several times a day" to "middle aged" men, beginning when
she was 11 and 12 years old
The victim, who is now 16 years old and pregnant with her
third child, stated that her mother drove her around to
different apartment complexes and forced her to engage
in sex with various men in exchange for money or drugs.
The girl also stated that she was usually sold for $40 -
less if cocaine was negotiated into the deal.
Investigators say the victim fled to Mexico with a man she
thought would take her away from the lifestyle. But once
she arrived in Mexico, she was again forced into prostitution.
The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
received a tip in October, 2011 that the girl was in Mexico.
The center worked through the US Embassy to have the
girl returned to Akron last February. She now resides
with a foster family.
Toro-Williams was booked into the Summit County Jail
and charged with compelling prostitution and promoting
prostitution. She remains held in lieu of $100,000 bond.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Carrie
Re: How to get rid of the Office Clipboard?
Dear Webby
I find the Office Clipboard a royal nuisance. If I have a
spreadsheet or two open, but work in a graphics program,
where I need to do a lot of copying and pasting, a lot of
that winds up littered into the spreadsheets.
How do I stop that?
Carrie
Dear Carrie
In Excel click on
VIEW
TOOLBARS
take the checkmark off CLIPBOARD
With most versions of Office that should do the trick.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Euro-Heaven is where the police are British,
the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers
Italian, and every detail is coordinated by the Swiss.
Euro-Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics
French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it's
organized by the Italians.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Laundry Detergent Caps For Bathroom Cups
The house I live in does laundry a lot. And they didn't
recycle until I showed them the error of their ways.
So, instead of tossing the laundry detergent caps
in the bin, I put them to good use. Here is an example
of the things you can do with these wonderful lids!
By Poor But Proud from Sweet Home, OR
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a
moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of
me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have
some of their CDs!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Baking Cookies With Your Cat
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal
bathroom things knocked over on top of the counter.
21. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Clean up bathroom.
25. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now.
26. Get wet cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.
30. Casually fling cat onto the roof of a passing Winnebago
31. Act surprised when you find that the cat has made it
home before you.
[ view entry ]
( 245 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 621 )
How to view and clear Office clipboard
Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 09:40 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 20
If you want the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
From Dr Bill re bagpipes:
I found over the years quite to my surprise that bagpipes
stir a martial spirit within me - combination no doubt of
Scottish and Irish ancestry, and if the neural memory theory
is correct it could account for my sudden desire at the
sound of the pipes to kill an Englishman
Bill
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1402 Battle of Angora (Ankara)-Tatars defeat Turkish Army
1567 Jews are expelled from Brazil by order of regent Don Henrique
1791 King Louis XVI caught trying to escape French Revolution
1793 Eli Whitney applies for a cotton gin patent
1819 Savannah becomes 1st steamship to cross any ocean (Atlantic)
1837 Queen Victoria at 18 ascends British throne following death of
uncle King William IV Ruled for 63 years ending in 1901
1867 Pres Andrew Johnson announces purchase of Alaska
1871 Ku Klux Klan trials began in federal court in Oxford Miss
1963 US & USSR agree to set up "Hot Line"
1977 Oil enters Trans-Alaska pipeline exits 38 days later at Valdez
still doing that just nicely today
1990 40,000-50,000 die in a (7.6) earthquake in Iran
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
That all men are equal is a proposition which,
at ordinary times, no sane individual has ever
given his assent.
--- Aldous Huxley
Baking a wedding cake causes fewer headaches
than cutting it.
--- Socratex
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes
without asking a clear question.
--- Albert Camus
When we ask for advice,
we are usually looking for an accomplice.
--- Marquis de la Grange
Most people don't want advice.
They want agreement with their preconceived notions.
--- Socratex
Fix PC Errors with Ease.
Easily Scan, Repair and Speed up PC.
Registry Easy™ is the award-winning Windows Registry Cleaner
that helps you scan your PC. Safely clean the errors and
invalid entries, which cause system slowdown, freezing and
crashing! Repair registry problems easily!
Improve your PC performance!
Get Registry Easy™now!
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to
lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too.
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And
when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and
fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
Guilt Free Deserts!
These desserts had to be truly healthy!
Guilt-Free Desserts:
Your Guide to Better Baking
Featuring 50 All-Natural, Fail-Proof,
Gluten Free & Low-Glycemic Desserts
from "The healing Gourmet".
Not only will you have 50 new dessert recipes,
you will also have all the information you need to
makeover your favorite family desserts,
with just a few simple substitutions to make them
healthy and/or lower cost.
You deserve Guilt Free Deserts!
My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat,
named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors
at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared. The
neighbor searched for him in vain for several days.
The following spring,, however, Felix reappeared, looking
healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his
wild oats.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when
Felix disappeared again. The next spring, he returned.
Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for
clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older
couple who lived down the street.
"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband
and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a
cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."
Click on the picture for the large version
Head for shore!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Frank Rega, 56, of Monroe, Connecticut
Man drove off with woman on fender
Police in Connecticut said a man struck a woman with his van
and drove off with her stuck on the driver's side fender.
Investigators said a 23-year-old Bridgeport woman was standing
outside a disabled car on Stratford Avenue when she was struck
by the van driven by Frank Rega, 56, of Monroe and became
stuck on the driver's side fender.
Police said Rega continued to drive away with the woman
hanging over the front of the vehicle. They said he ignored
her cries for him to stop, even when she was able to reach
into his window and hit him in the face.
Police said the woman eventually fell off the vehicle and
was treated at St. Vincent's Medical Center.
Rega was arrested at his home hours after the March 15
incident and told officers he was acting in self-defense.
Rega has been charged with first-degree reckless
endangerment, reckless driving, evading responsibility
and driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol,
police said. He was released on $500 bond.
You can figure out yourself why the extremely low bail bond
and no mug-shot anywhere on the net.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Ron
Re: How to view Excel Clipboard contents
Hi Webby
how do I open and clear the clip board. I have used at times
when scanning and such but have never been able to see
what it is.
Thanks for all your help over the years one of my favorite
things in your letter are the pictures I have been collecting
them since 1998 (not all but selected ones) and have a lot
of them. Since we cannot afford to travel much pictures
help me to see this beautiful earth. I sure like it when they
say where they are from.
Thanks and good health to you.
Ron. P.
Dear Ron
In Excel click on
VIEW
TOOLBARS
CLIPBOARD
When you hover over the icons in the clipboard,
they usually tell you the content, if the content is data.
The right-most of the tiny icons on the clipboard is for
clearing all entries.
It takes a bit of playing with the clipboard to make it
useful to you.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady
and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the
posters of the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent, having had an exceedingly profitable season,
seeing the dejected couple looking in the window was
inspired to a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I bet that on your
pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am
sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and
I won't take no for an answer!"
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two
flight tickets and to book a room in a five star hotel. They,
as expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the travel agent
asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she
said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me."
"What would that be?" asked the travel agent.
"Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning a Can Opener
To clean and disinfect the wheel of a can opener, just use
white vinegar and an old tooth brush. Dip the toothbrush in
the vinegar and scrub clean. Swish in hot soapy water and
rinse.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious
consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled s
treets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was
on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the
next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send
his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper
on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his
best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When
the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw
this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Cindy
The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me
with questions about my newly pierced ears.
"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?"
"Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."
Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,
"Both ears with one shot? How far away did they stand?"
[ view entry ]
( 178 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 688 )
Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 04:49 AM -
Posted by Administrator
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans all walk into a very fine restaurant –
"I'm sorry," says the maÃtre d', after scrutinizing the group........."You can't come in here without a Thai. "
[ view entry ]
( 187 views )
| permalink | print article | ( 3.1 / 650 )
Get rid of Excel Clipboard tally nuisance
Tuesday, June 19, 2012, 10:38 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, June 19
If you want the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
Nobody was interested enough in the Linux course to actually
try it out,
and nobody figured their pictures or data on memory
cards were worth saving. It sure is not easy trying to find
something, that you need or want!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
240 -BC- Eratosthenes estimates circumference of Earth
1862 Slavery outlawed in US territories
1864 CSS "Alabama" sunk by USS "Kearsarge" off Cherbourg, France
1865 All slaves in Texas freed
1917 After WW I King George V ordered members of British royal family to
dispense with German titles & surnames, they take the name Windsor
1961 Kuwait regains complete independence from Britain
1967 Muhammad Ali is convicted for refusing induction in US Army
1976 US Viking 1 goes into Martian orbit after 10-month flight from Earth
1981 European Space Agency's Ariane carries 2 satellites into orbit
1981 India's APPLE satellite, 1st to be stabilized on 3 axes, launched
1988 In Santa Barbara, CA, a team of 32 divers finish cycling underwater
on a standard tricycle, to complete 116.66 mi in 75 hrs 20 mins
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
--- John Stuart Mill
Look wise, say nothing, and grunt.
Speech was given to conceal thought.
--- Sir William Osler
Fix PC Errors with Ease.
Easily Scan, Repair and Speed up PC.
Registry Easy™ is the award-winning Windows Registry Cleaner
that helps you scan your PC. Safely clean the errors and
invalid entries, which cause system slowdown, freezing and
crashing! Repair registry problems easily!
Improve your PC performance!
Get Registry Easy™now!
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks errode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water.
"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and announced:
"Wedding cake!"
Guilt Free Deserts!
These desserts had to be truly healthy!
Guilt-Free Desserts:
Your Guide to Better Baking
Featuring 50 All-Natural, Fail-Proof,
Gluten Free & Low-Glycemic Desserts
from "The healing Gourmet".
Not only will you have 50 new dessert recipes,
you will also have all the information you need to
makeover your favorite family desserts,
with just a few simple substitutions to make them
healthy and/or lower cost.
You deserve Guilt Free Deserts!
"I had the strangest dream last night," Morris was
telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when
she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she
had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very
disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't
get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for
morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and
came right over here for my appointment. I thought
you could help me explain the meaning of this strange
dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before
responding: "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"
Click on the picture for the large version
More fun than a barrow full of monkeys!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Brandi Baumgardner, 38 in Beaver Springs, Pa.
Injected Teen Daughter 200 Times With Heroin
Over Two-Year Period
Brandi Baumgardner, a 38-year-old Pennsylvania woman has been
jailed after she allegedly got her daughter heavily addicted to heroin
and other drugs, beginning when child was just 12-years-old.
According to police, an investigation was launched in August when
the victim checked herself into a drug rehab center claiming that
she was too strung out to inject herself with heroin any longer.
Investigators say the victim's mother, Brandi Baumgardner,
began smoking marijuana with her daughter when the child
was just 12-years-old. Baumgardner then introduced the
child to heroin at age 14, and is accused of injecting her
daughter with the substance when the girl was too weak
to inject herself.
The girl admitted to detectives that she used a wide variety
of drugs with her mother, including marijuana, crack cocaine,
heroin and various prescription medications. She also
testified that she would become so "dope-sick" her mother
would inject her, and ultimately injected her with heroin
approximately 200 times over a two-year period.
Robert Thomas Hannick, a 22-year-old Beaver Springs
resident has also been arrested on charges that he had
sex with the underage girl in exchange for drugs. The
victim told detectives that Hannick would assist her
mother in injecting her with heroin. Hennick allegedly
had sex with the girl three times and engaged in sexual
acts on a fourth occasion.
The victim also told detectives that her mother would
take her to a hospital and then complain about a fake
illness in order to obtain prescription medications.
At one point, mother and daughter allegedly shared
Fentanyl patches. Fentanyl is a highly addictive and
powerful pain medication that is considered to be
more potent than heroin.
Detectives interviewed Baumgardner, who confessed
to supplying her daughter with drugs "when she was sick."
Baumgardner also admitted that she and her daughter
had "drug problems."
Baumgardner was booked into jail and charged with
endangering the welfare of a child and corruption of
minors. Her next court appearance has been
scheduled for June 21.
Hannick was charged with statutory sexual assault,
aggravated indecent assault and corruption of minors.
The victim is receiving ongoing treatment and
counseling at the drug rehabilitation center
she checked into.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Garry
Re: Excel Clipboard nuisance
Dear Webby,
How do I stop Excel from showing that nuisance history of
stuff I have copied before? When copying a whole bunch of
cells to new places, that's really a nuisance.
Garry
Dear Garry
Open the Options in the clipboard and uncheck every item
in there, then hit the X in the top right hand corner to close it.
No more silly clipboard history taking up valuable screen
space exactly on top of what you need to see.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find
his young wife in floods of tears.
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has
happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you,
and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang.
When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed
again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband.
"Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard
I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the
computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always
have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them
because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can
get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it
really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost
roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused.
By Joynchocolate
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for
a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the in-
evitable answer.
"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter
if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that
far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin
blindfolded?
You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.
----------------
Personally, I quite like the sound of bagpipes,
from about five miles away.
[ view entry ]
( 224 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 648 )
Monday, June 18, 2012, 09:21 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 18
If you want the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1667 The Dutch fleet sails up the Thames River and threatens London.
1778 British Redcoats evacuate Phila
1812 War of 1812 begins as US declares war against Britain
1815 Battle of Waterloo; Napoleon defeated by Wellington & Blucher
1903 1st transcontinental auto trip begins in SF; arrives NY 3-mo later
1953 Egypt proclaimed a republic, General Neguib becomes president
1956 Last of foreign troops leaves Egypt
1977 Space Shuttle test model "Enterprise" carries a crew aloft
for 1st time, It was fixed to a modified Boeing 747
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Stoop and you'll be stepped on; stand tall and you'll be shot at.
--- Carlos A. Urbizo
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
--- Fran Lebowitz
A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
--- Edgar Watson Howe
Linux For The Rest Of Us! - Hi-def Video Training Series
Now you don't have to be a Genius or Brainiac!
This is for YOU and me!
Learn Linux From One Of The Most Sought After Instructors.
Get ready for when Windows 7 annoys you once too often
or when the salespeople tell you, you should switch to
Windows 8. Get ready and upgrade to Linux
when it suits YOU!
Full Video Training Series, Instantly Accessible, And In Full Hd!
Linux For The Rest Of Us!
It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the
guests but one had gone home. The last guest was
sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that
she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant
owner.
"I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five
times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?"
"No way!" answered the owner cheerfully. "Every
time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"
Professional Memory Card Recovery Software
Recover Lost or Deleted Photos and files in 3 Steps
1) Connect Your Device
2) Scan
3) Preview and Select
Works on ALL memory cards and thumb drives!
>From Fran:
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air
Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under
age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the
cramped customs area. A young customs official watched
our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these
children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you
have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your
possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I
would have used them by now."
Thanks to Paul for this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Haniyyah Barnes, 25, in Newark, NJ
Throws Neighbor's Dog Into Oncoming Traffic
Over Parking Spot argument
Haniyyah Barnes, a 25-year-old New Jersey woman was jailed
after she allegedly threw her neighbor's dog into traffic -
killing the dog - during an argument over a parking spot.
According to police, Barnes had kicked in her neighbor's door
and began yelling about a parking spot when the neighbor's
2-year-old Shih Tzu came running to the rescue.
Investigators say the dog, named Honey Bey, began barking
as Barnes threatened and assaulted the neighbor.
In retaliation, Barns picked the dog up by the neck, ran outside
and threw the animal into oncoming traffic. The dog was struck
by a vehicle and killed.
A Newark police officer on routine patrol saw the incident and
arrested Barns at the scene.
Barns has been indicted on charges of third-degree animal
cruelty, criminal mischief and second-degree burglary.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Don
Re: VOIP Solution
Dear Webby,
Just a quick note on VOIP. I have had Ooma for a year now
and have nothing but good things to say about it. There are
no hidden charges, no charge for caller ID, voice mail that
works really well. Voice mail has several options for
retrieving the messages.
Voice quality is better than landline. If you subscribe to
their premium service for $10/month, the calls to Canada
are also free and you have a great blacklisting feature
so that you never hear from anyone on the list once you
place them on it, also you have 2 ines with 2 separate
numbers.
The support service is in the U.S. and they give wonderful,
prompt and courteous support. You can read about them
at http://www.ooma.com
The only difficult thing is getting the phone company to drop
your landline and give you a separate number for internet,
but that is not so bad but takes about a month especially if
you wish to have your old number ported over to you.
I neglected to mention one item about Ooma in the previous
note. Since you addressed 911 in your letter, I just want to
say that setting up 911 is very easy and simple with Ooma.
There is one charge every month which is for tax, in my case
it is $3.47/month.
Don
Dear Don
Thank you very much for that extremely helpful info!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One
said "Let's play doctor."
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Sponge Eyeshadow Applicator for Cleaning Keyboard
I have found the best item for cleaning around keys on the
computer. A clean, sponge eyeshadow applicator. I always
have extras of these (I use brushes instead). I like them
because they hold up much better than Q tips, and they can
get into the little crevices. I dampen mine a tad and boy it
really gets the crud up! When you are done, you can almost
roll the fuzzies off of the applicator and it can be reused.
By Joynchocolate
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was this city-girl who was out driving and found her-
self out in the country. She drove by a farmer standing next
to a large impressive-looking animal and stopped the car to
ask the farmer a question.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a
patient tone. "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a
hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin'
a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and
that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle
that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no
horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Gary
"This is a true story. The other night Nancy and I were sitting
in bed, smoking, drinking, whatever, I don't know.
No, that's not true, we don't smoke in bed.
Anyway, I turned to her and said, 'What did you say?'
"She said, "I didn't say anything.'
"You didn't say anything?
"No, I didn't. But I was thinking something."
"That's amazing! You didn't say anything -- you thought
something and I heard it!
"'Well, what did I say?'
"I don't know. I wasn't listening."
[ view entry ]
( 225 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 476 )
Sunday, June 17, 2012, 10:11 PM -
Posted by Administrator
Tomorrow I'm going to open a time capsule I buried when I was a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got...
[ view entry ]
( 151 views )
| permalink | print article | ( 2.9 / 763 )
Sunday, June 17, 2012, 08:23 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 17
Happy Fathers Day!
Thank you, Richard!
If you want the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1579 Sir Francis Drake lands on the coast of California
1745 American colonials capture Louisburg, Cape Breton I from French
1837 Charles Goodyear obtains his 1st rubber patent
1885 Statue of Liberty arrived in NYC aboard French ship `Isere'
1919 "Barney Google" cartoon strip, by Billy De Beck, premiers
1940 France asks Germany for terms of surrender in WW II
1950 1st kidney transplant (Chicago)
1953 Riots in East Germany for reunification
1967 China becomes world's 4th thermonuclear (H-bomb) power
1988 Microsoft releases MS DOS 4.0 (as unpopular as VISTA)
1994 O. J. Simpson's slow-speed chase by the police, watched by
millions on TV, ended in his arrest.
2002 Australian scientists announced that they had "teleported" a
laser beam—breaking it up and reconstructing it in another location.
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
You can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider.
--- Robert Frost
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.
--- Scott Adams
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
--- Hunter S. Thompson
Linux For The Rest Of Us! - Hi-def Video Training Series
Now you don't have to be a Genius or Brainiac!
Learn Linux From One Of The Most Sought After Instructors.
Get ready for when Windows 7 annoys you once too often
or when the salespeople tell you, you should switch to
Windows 8. Get ready and upgrade to Linux
when it suits YOU!
Full Video Training Series, Instantly Accessible, And In Full Hd!
Linux For The Rest Of Us!
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a
crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when
all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the
determined boy walked all over the neighborhood
scooping up the wayward birds and returning them
to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all,
the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly,
"but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed.
"You left with seven."
Professional Memory Card Recovery Software
Recover Lost or Deleted Photos and files in 3 Steps
1) Connect Your Device
2) Scan
3) Preview and Select
Works on ALL memory cards and thumb drives!
>From Pam
This new diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the
day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
Thanks to dad for this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
This one bloomed today. It is one of the winter-hard ones,
that stay outside all year.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Cynthia Ann Creed, 51, Houston, Texas
Sent Fellow Juror Text Message Stating
Bomb Was In Courthouse
Cynthia Ann Creed, a 51-year-old Texas juror was jailed
Tuesday after she allegedly joked to another juror that
there was a bomb in the courthouse.
According to Houston police, Creed reportedly sent a fellow
juror a text message at 11:43 a.m. that read "Call the
courthouse. Tell them there is a bomb...please."
Creed sent the message after she had already been cleared
from jury duty at the Harris County courthouse at 10:30 a.m.
Authorities took the message seriously and cleared the
courthouse completely. Creed then sent the juror a second
message 15 minutes later that read "just kidding."
Investigators say bomb-sniffing dogs were already searching
the building before Creed sent the second message
Police apprehended Creed, who stated that she was sorry
for the prank, but could not give an explanation on her behavior.
Creed was booked into jail and charged with giving a false police
report. She is currently being held in lieu of $5,000 bail.
Tech Support Pits:
Re Yesterday's question about phone Batteries:
Tell betty to try Amazon.
I paid about 7 bucks for 2 of the same kind.
FRED.
From: Ginny
Re: VOIP
Dear Webby,
I am finally going to switch my phone to VOIP. What do I
need to watch out for?
Ginny
Dear Ginny
VOIP calls to cellphones are expensive, especially to
foreign countries. Don't do that except to quickly tell
somebody to check their email or to come onto chat.
911 may or may not work on VOIP in your area. You'll
have to test to see if it does.
Just as with land line phones and cell phones, there ARE
a lot of hidden or add-on charges that are not always
obvious. You are just going to have to call all the different
services and compare. For example, Call Display, showing
the number of the caller, can be anywhere from $.1.95 to
$14.95 per month,
Also, check out the coverage. Some, like Verizon, have good
coverage within theUS, but are rather pathetic anywhere else.
Be extremely careful about long term contracts.
Common practise is to give you a phantastic 3 month deal,
if you agree to a really crappy 3 year deal.
My secretary's son is an expert on surfing trial deals
and breaking out of them before they convert to the long
term contract, but I have a hunch, that required an awful
lot of small print studying.
Best is to make a spreadsheet and list the things, that are
important to you as column headings across the top,
and the names of the different VOIP providers down in the
first column.
Then call the 1-800 of each one, and fill out each cell
on their row. They will try to stampede you into signing up,
because some special deal is about to end.
They are lying, of course.
When one service mentions something, that seems important,
call the other ones back and question them on that topic too.
Don't worry about wasting their time, they are paid by the hour.
If you have to talk to Mijibar Bin Dumdum or his brother
Marblemouth, keep in mind, their support will be even
further away and even less cooperative.
Once you have al the different services in your spreadsheet,
including points for understandable and cooperative agents,
THEN you can make an intelligent decision.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
This one is a classic.
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Oatmeal Bags for Itchy Skin
When your kids have itchy insect bites, give them little
bags made from pieces of pantyhose stuffed with handfuls
of dry oatmeal. These soothing "scratchy bags" relieve the
itch without the risk of broken skin or infection. They are
great for adults too. My son has severe psoriasis and I
give these to him to help stop the scratching.
Source: Canadian Living Magazine, August 2002
By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, B.C.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Donna sends,
I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them
into the hamper. He looked puzzled, and I explained, "You know;
it's the place where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."
My son picked up his things, ran into my bedroom, and threw his
clothes on the floor -- on his dad's side of the bed.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be
totally honest with each other.
As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a
date, she remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," the other scolded.
"My hair is awful."
"It's lovely."
"I've never looked worse," she whined.
"Oh, yes, you have!" her friend replied.
[ view entry ]
( 182 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 540 )
Saturday, June 16, 2012, 10:56 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 16
If you want the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1567 Mary Queen of Scots thrown into Lochleven Castle prison
1654 Queen Christina, a convert to Roman Catholicism, abdicated her
Swedish throne to devote the remainder of her life to religion and art.
1671 Cossack rebel leader Stenka Razin tortured, executed in Moscow
1896 Temperture hits 127ºF at Fort Mojave, Calif
1903 Ford Motors incorporates
1947 Pravda denounces Marshall Plan
1949 Gas turbine-electric locomotive demonstrated, Erie Pa
1963 Valentina Tereshkova becomes 1st woman in space
1989 "Ghostbusters II" premiers
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Speech is conveniently located midway between thought
and action, where it often substitutes for both.
--- John Andrew Holmes
Linux For The Rest Of Us! - Hi-def Video Training Series
Now you don't have to be a Genius or Brainiac!
Learn Linux From One Of The Most Sought After Instructors.
Get ready for when Windows 7 annoys you once too often
or when the salespeople tell you, you should switch to
Windows 8. Get ready and switch when YOU want to switch!
Full Video Training Series, Instantly Accessible, And In Full Hd!
Linux For The Rest Of Us!
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the
security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran
around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system
and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared
for takeoff."
Professional Memory Card Recovery Software
Recover Lost or Deleted Photos and files in 3 Steps
1) Connect Your Device
2) Scan
3) Preview and Select
All memory cards and thumb drives!
The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden
Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all
that time, did you ever consider a divorce?"
"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that,"
the husband replied.
"Murder frequently," the wife offered
"but never divorce."
Click on the picture for the large version
We need more scientists!
For lunch!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Irene Khan, 32, West Melbourne, FL
Teacher Had Sex With 14-Year-Old Student
For Most Of School Year
Irene Khan, a 32-year-old science teacher at Imagine School
in West Melbourne was jailed Wednesday after she allegedly
had sex with a 14-year-old student on multiple occasions.
According to police, Khan was arrested at the conclusion of
a two-month long investigation into allegations that she
engaged in a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old student.
Investigators say Khan and the boy had sex several times in
her car, her apartment and at several area hotels. During the
investigation, detectives were able to corroborate most of
the boy's story.
The victim told police that Khan provided a cell phone to
him after his mother had taken his cell phone away.
Detectives recovered text messages between Khan
and the boy which allegedly show Khan expressing
her love and affection for him.
The relationship reportedly continued through most of
the 2011-2012 school year. Khan reportedly resigned
her position at the school in January, a short time
before the investigation began.
Khan was booked into jail and charged with enticing
a minor to engage in sexual activity, sexual battery
by an authority figure, lewd and lascivious battery
by engaging in sexual activity and lewd or
lascivious molestation.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Betty
Re: Phone batteries
Hi Webby,
I wonder if you know if I can use regular rechargeable
batteries in my phones. I have the Panasonic set of 4
handsets, one base/recorder, etc. I just went to buy the
new batteries for it, as they have their own Panasonic
ones, but in Staples, they are $25 for 2 batteries!
I’d need 4 packs = over $100. They have the whole 4
set of Panasonic phones on for $89. Crazy!
My hubby says just to use regular rechargeable batteries,
but the clerks in the store say they will ruin your phone
because they aren’t the same powers, etc. Am I being
fed a pack of bull? or is it true?
We run on some old corded phones as well as this
cordless set. Any other brand I tried, we could not use
them together like on a conference call, only
Panasonic was compatible. I know it’s a silly question,
but with your wisdom, I hope to get some straight answers,
or if you’ve come across this same situation.
Love your news, glad you are feeling better.
Take care & thanks,
Betty
Dear Betty
Why do you need FOUR cordless phones for an in-house
conference call?
Your mother would have said: "If you need to talk to me,
I will be in the kitchen."
You are probably only 2 - 3 bags of Smarties short of
attaining her wisdom.
I agree with your hubby. Just find generic rechargeable
ones that have the same voltage. You didn't tell me what
voltage you need, but you can usually find the same or
equivalent battery for a LOT less with some online shopping
around.
Most likely your batteries are under $10 at BatteryMart
http://www.batterymart.com/c-panasonic-cordless-phone-batteries.html
And yes, those store clerks are definitely lying to you.
The phone really does not give a hoot about the brand of battery.
If the voltage is in the right neighborhood, then the phone is happy.
If a phone is always at the same location, for example an upstairs
bathroom, then you can even use a "Battery Eliminator",
one of those power cubes that plug into a wall socket, and has a
little switch to select the voltage. You'll have a power cord
from the "Battery Eliminator" to the phone, but you will
never ever have to change batteries in that phone again,
and nobody will ever leave that phone off the charger,
since it is hardwired anyway.
The actual voltage is not critical at all. If for example,
the battery is labelled "4.8V", and one of the settings
on a "Battery Eliminator" is "4.5V", that is close enough.
A store-bought battery will quickly drop way below that
anyway, and the phone will still work fine when the battery
is at 3 Volts.
Take the BS of the store clerks with a LOT of salt.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the
guests but one had gone home. The last guest was
sleeping at his table. The cleaning lady, irritated that
she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant
owner.
"I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five
times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?"
"No way!" answered the owner cheerfully. "Every
time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Silverware Tray to Organize Makeup Drawer
I used to hate my makeup drawer. Now I use the silverware
trays from the dollar store to organize my cosmetics. Its
works great and when it gets dirty I can just toss it in the
dishwasher. I even stack one on top of the other. I put
less used makeups in the bottom one.
By ivorylov from Ocala, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died,
a man who lived far away called his brother and told him,
"Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also
paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But, when the bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month,
he finally called his brother again to find out what was
going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do
something nice for Uncle Charlie.
So I rented him a tuxedo."
[ view entry ]
( 233 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 579 )
20% Discount coupon for printer ink
Friday, June 15, 2012, 10:22 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, June 15
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
If you want just the results and schedules for the Euro 2012
soccer games, try WolrdTimeBuddy
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
763 -BC- Assyrians record total solar eclipse event on clay tablet
(That is like an iPad but with longer memory)
1215 King John signs Magna Carta at Runnymede, England
1389 Battle of Kossovo; Turks defeat Serbs, Bosnians
1520 Pope threatens to toss Luther out of Catholic Church
1567 Jews are expelled from Genoa Italy
1590 Pope Leo X threatens to ex-communicate Martin Luther
1775 George Washington appointed commander-in-chief of
American Army
1844 Goodyear patents vulcanization of rubber
1866 Prussia attacks Austria
1869 Celluloid patented by John Wesley Hyatt, Albany, NY
1904 Side-wheeler "General Slocum" burns in NY's
East River (1,031 die)
1919 1st nonstop Atlantic flight (Alcock & Brown) lands in Ireland
1924 Ford Motor Company manufactures its 10 millionth automobile
1924 Native Americans are proclaimed US citizens
1940 French fortress of Verdun captured by Germans
1986 Pravda announces high-level Chernobyl staff fired for stupidity
1989 Ronald Reagan is knighted by Queen Elizabeth
1991 Philippines volcano Mount Pinatubo errupts
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Never explain--your friends do not need it and
your enemies will not believe you anyway.
--- Elbert Hubbard
There's no trick to being a humorist when you
have the whole government working for you.
--- Will Rogers
All the people like us are We,
and everyone else is They.
--- Rudyard Kipling
We are a charming species.
I think that is why God will save us.
He needs the laughs.
--- Rick Steele
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a social science degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas. The poor little
commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky.
The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry.
Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot
will become hysterical."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Gretchen Whitt, 30, Grainger County, Tennessee
Jailed After Instructing 12-Year-Year Old
Daughter To Throw Drugs Into Jail
Gretchen Whitt, a 30-year-old Tennessee woman was jailed
after she allegedly instructed her 12-year-old daughter to toss
drugs over a fence and into the county jail courtyard.
According to the Grainger County Sheriff's Office, Whitt reportedly
drove behind the Grainger County Justice Center and then told her
daughter to throw a white plastic bag over the fence, and into an
area filled with inmates.
Investigators say officers saw the child trying to throw the bag over
the fence, so they confiscated it. Initially, they thought that it only
contained tobacco, but upon further inspection discovered a controlled
substance wrapped in aluminum foil, The exact contents were not
reported.
Whitt was booked into jail and charged with criminal trespass and
contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
She was released after posting bond.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Thomas
Re: "Webby" coupon discount on printer ink
Dear Webby
My son needed a ink refill kit for his printer. I remembered
you have mentioned AtlanticInkJet several times and thought
I would try them. When checking out in the box that was
asking for a code I put “Webby†and got a 20% discount.
I didn't think that the discount code still applied, I just wanted
you to get credit for the order. I guess reading your letter
does pay.
Thanks again
Thomas
Dear Thomas
There is no commisssion per order or anything like that.
Subscribers simply get 20% off on refills,
15% off on compatible cartridges, and
10% off on remanufactured cartridges.
No kickback or commission, you get it all.
The only time I know about one of you getting ink or toner,
is when you write to me about it.
If there was a commission deal, you would get 5%,
administering the commission would swallow12% and
I would get 3%.
Instead of doing it that way, you get it all as a bonus
for being a loyal subscriber. Simply go to
AtlanticInkJet and on the check-out, put WEBBY into the slot for Coupon code.
Yes, I know, I should mention that more often, that subscribers
get that discount, and I will try to fit it in every second month or so.
AtlanticInkJet also has some other
great stuff, like Avery style labels 75% cheaper, and even
edible ink and edible frosting sheets to print anything you
want for a cake. The edible ink system is not cheaper than
paper type systems. Including the printer, ink, refills and
frosting sheets it is about $189, but if you charge $10 for
each printed frosting sheet, the first 19 people in the line-up
will pay for it. And you can bet, that there will be a line-up
as soon as word gets around, that you can produce edible
photos to put on cakes!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Cindy was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said
Cruise for $39. She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
The travel agent grabbed her, tied her to a wooden plank and threw her
into the river out back. Terri walked in a few minutes later, plunked
down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to a wooden plank and
thrown into the river out back. The current was swift, so she caught up
with Cindy and they both floated together for a while.
Terri asked, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
Cindy said,. . . "They didn't last time."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make a Pillow Out of a Favorite T-Shirt
Do you have a t-shirt you just can't seem to give up but it
has some stains or tears? Well, make it into a pillow.
First cut the design or pattern from the front of the shirt
into a square, then sew material that coordinates with the
shirt around the center. When you have the size you like,
take the back of the t-shirt if it's in good condition and make
the back of the pillow, sew together and stuff. Now you
have a new favorite pillow.
By Beesplace from Indiana PA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After a frantic caller told the Battle Creek, Michigan, Humane
Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, the
shelter manager, Mike Pearson, rushed right over.
Mike inched his way out over nearly 100 feet of ice. As
onlookers stood by, he carefully made his way to the ducks,
and, thankfully, back to safety on the shore.
Both of the wooden decoys are expected to survive.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Steve:
PRINCIPLES OF JEWISH BUDDHISM
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the
wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with
such round shoulders.
2. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind
that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do
the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
5. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
6. If there is no Self, whose arthritis is this?
7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this, and
attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The
Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take
sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the
second, satisfaction. With the third sip, Danish.
10. Be patient and achieve all things. Haggle and get them cheaper.
11. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are 10,000
flowers. Each flower blossoms 10,000 times. Each blossom has 10,000
petals. You might want to see a specialist.
12. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
13. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then
what do you have? Bupkes!
[ view entry ]
( 244 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 665 )
How to Revive a Used Laser Printer
Thursday, June 14, 2012, 10:57 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 14
Are you following the Euro2012 games?
I find it interesting how much the coverage differs.
Most NorthAmerican media seem to fous on the hooligans,
that try to crank up a bit of rioting before the games,
and barely mention the games or the scores.
European and British media tend to ignore the violence and
stick to reporting about the games. If you are interested in
the soccer games and the competition, try Skysports.com
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1775 US Army founded
1834 Sandpaper patented by Isaac Fischer Jr, Springfield, Vermont
1847 Bunson invents a gas burner
1940 German forces occupied Paris during WW II
1941 Ground broken for Boeing Plant II (ex-AFLC Plant 13) Wichita KS
1944 1st B-29 raid against mainland Japan
1949 State of Vietnam formed
1951 1st commercial computer, UNIVAC 1,
enters service at Census Bureau
1952 Keel laid for 1st nuclear powered sub the Nautilus
1954 Pres Eisenhower signs order adding words "under God" to the Pledge
The last phrase now reads: '
...one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.'
1982 Argentina surrenders to Britain on Falkland Is, ends 74-day conflict
1987 4th full-duration test firing of redesigned SRB motor
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue."
--- Socratex
Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen
and thinking what nobody has thought.
--- Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
A man is walking his dog, and passes a little restaurant;
the cooking smells are so tempting, he decides he would
like to stop for lunch, but the sign says no animals are
permited.
After a couple of moment's thought, he decided to brazen it
out: he puts on a pair of sunglasses, walks into the rest-
aurant, with his dog on a leash and asks to be seated. The
waiter says "I am sorry sir, but we do not permit animals
in the restaurant."
The man says, "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."
The waiter responds skeptically: "Your seeing eye dog? Sir,
that dog is a Dachshund, a Wiener Dog!"
The man responds: "A Dachshund! They gave me a Dachshund?"
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and
pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little
paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness,
the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the
listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement
tips and all,
but I think you read my sign wrong.
It says, "HORSE for sale. But I s'pose someone who don't
read so good, prolly can't afford a horse ?"
Click on the picture for the large version
Lake Superior
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Cadedra Cook, 18, in Cedartown Georgia
Cadedra Cook - Orders Pizza,
Then Stabs Delivery Driver 50 Times
Cadedra Cook, an 18-year-old Cedartown woman, and an unnamed
15-year-old boy, were jailed Friday after they allegedly ordered
a pizza and then stabbed the delivery driver more than
50 times.
According to Cedartown Police, Cook and the juvenile reportedly
beat and stabbed 27-year-old Elizabeth Hutchenson, a mother
of one, while she was making a pizza delivery at their
residence on Thursday around 9:00 p.m.
Cook and the juvenile then fled on foot, leaving the victim
bleeding to death in their doorway.
Officers found Hutchenson while on a routine traffic stop.
She was rushed to a Polk Medical Center, where she was
pronounced dead. Medical officials stated that she received
over 50 stab wounds to her head, chest, and torso. Officers
apprehended the suspects the next day in a nearby field.
"We had been one step behind them most of the night," said
Cedertown Police Chief Jamie Newsome. "We were finally
able to catch up to them in daylight.
Investigators say detectives do not have a motive behind the
attack. A small amount of money was taken from the victim,
but not enough to initiate a murder. Officers are working to
determine if it was premeditated.
A Domino's spokesperson stated that drivers are not
encouraged to carry more than $20 on them while delivering.
They stated that they were horrified by the incident, and their
prayers go out to the family of the victim, which includes a
4-year-old girl and a boyfriend.
Cook was booked into the Polk County Jail on charges of murder.
The juvenile, who was also jailed on murder charges, may be
charged as an adult.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Mark
Re: Used laser printer
Dear Webby
I bought a used Dell Laser printer from a company, that went
out of business. They said it was working OK the last time
they used it a year ago. I downloaded the driver for it, but
it won't print. It has all kinds of lights lit up, but nothing
is happening. What do you recommend?
Mark
Dear Mark
Most likely one of the departing emloyees took the toner
cartridges home as a last souvenir.
Just go to Atlantic inkjet .com and order toner
for it. Shortly after you put toner cartridges in and slam
the side door, those lights will all go out and you can
start printing.
If there is more than just the power light on, toner is empty
or cartridges are missing.
By the way, laser toner cartridges from Atlantic inkjet .com can
sit around for years. They don't go bad.
With old printers, it is a good idea to open them up, chase
the mice and/or spiders out with a vacuum cleaner,
and wipe all the rubber rollers with a Q-tip dipped in
gas-line-antifreeze or key-lock-de-icer or Methyl Hydrate,
It is all the same stuff, but a one ounce bottle of lock de-icer
will usually cost you more than a gallon of Methyl Hydrate
from the paint department at Home Depot.
That cleans and rejuvenates the rubber rollers, so that they
become sticky and grabby like dragster tires.
Then the printer does not have to spin the wheels to eventually
pick up some paper, it will move as soon as a wheel begins
to turn.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
The teacher was asking the kids where they were going to
go for their summer vacations. She turned to little Johnny
and asked him.
"We're going to visit my grandmother in Punxsutawney,
Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to
think of it, since I am probably going to flunk this class,
most likely I'll be going to Balconia,
or maybe the wood shed."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Small Grocery Bags For Dog Waste
Save those tiny plastic grocery bags that are too small to use
for anything else. I keep my other plastic bags to use for trash
containers. You can use the really little bags to pick up doggie
messes in the park when walking your dog and no waste
bags are available.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Rollie:
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a
shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress
strolled by. Naturally my eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining,
my wife asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in now?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Mary F
My son from California who was visiting this weekend
tells me that there were a couple of terrorists who had
made it into the US and were having coffee in San Francisco
when one of them started conversing in Arabic.
The other cautioned him and then reminded him,
"We are in the United States now. Speak Spanish."
[ view entry ]
( 18 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 474 )
How to share a newsletter
Wednesday, June 13, 2012, 09:19 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 13
One reader figured that the Florida ghost voters voted for
Bush and would vote for Romney.
Not a chance.
If there was a single ghost voter, who was NOT controlled by
Acorn or the Democrats, then the Dept of Justice would not
fight the correction of the voting rolls quite so fanatically.
They control the ghosts and the illegal voters, and figure
they are entitled to them.
it will be intersting to see what Florida does about that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1525 German Reformer Martin Luther, 42, married former nun
Katherine von Bora, 26. They had six kids.
1611 John Fabricius dedicates earliest sunspot publication
1886 Fire destroys nearly 1,000 buildings in Vancouver, BC
1898 Yukon Territory of Canada organized, Dawson chosen as capital
1933 1st sodium vapor street lamps installed (Schenectady NY)
1940 Paris evacuated before the German advance
1942 1st V-2 rocket launch, Peenemnde, Germany; reached 1.3 km
(that technology eventually became the base of the NASA rockets)
1955 Mercedes racing car kills 77 at Le Mans France
1983 Pioneer 10 becomes 1st man-made object to leave Solar System
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from
happening.
--- Barbara Tober
Traditions are standardized ways of dealing with situations
that have been experienced by others before.
--- Socratex
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to
work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
Thanks to Georgiagirl for this joke:
Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone, she goes green, green, green,
and I pink it up,
and I say, 'Yellow, this is Mr Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at
AOL on the Help Desk.
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Steven Mercado, 32 in Vineland, NJ
Bank Robber ran out of gas
The robbery occurred at the Susquehanna Bank on North Delsea
Drive this afternoon at 1:23 p.m.
Steven Mercado, 32, of North East Boulevard in Vineland, entered
the bank and handed the teller a note demanding money,
according to Vineland police.
Though he had no disguise or weapon, the note reportedly indicated
that he was carrying a weapon.
The teller handed an undisclosed amount of money to the suspect,
who then fled the bank. Bank employees reported they last saw the
suspect heading north across Garden Road onto North Delsea Drive.
That's when they notified police.
According to police, Mercado parked his vehicle at Performance
Auto on Delsea Drive, but his vehicle ran out of gas as he
attempted to make his getaway.
He then reportedly contacted a local taxi company to pick him up,
but was apprehended by Vineland police.
According to the nearby Dondero Diamonds and Fine Jewelry store,
a police vehicle struck their sign. The jewelry store praised the
Vineland police for their response to apprehending the robber.
Mercado was charged with armed robbery with his vehicle
impounded and bail set at $400,000.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Melody
Re: Sharing the newsletter
Dear Webby
I look forward to reading your Dear Webby Humor Letter and
sometimes I read something that I would like to share with
friends who don't get the humor letter, but I wasn't sure if I
could do that with out crossing over some line out there and
getting in trouble for sharing that wasn't mine.
Melody
Dear Melody
Just forward the entire Humor Letter
or tell them to go to http://webby.com/humor
That way it is considered "Sharing", not plagiarism or stealing.
Sharing is appreciated, because it might lead to a new subscriber.
They still know that YOU sent it to them, and credit YOU for
being resourceful and well connected.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
>From Myrna
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of
the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained
that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-
grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a
living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free pro-
fessional advice.
Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want
to know, just ask me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Paper Scraps For Crafts
I do a lot of card making. Stock paper isn't really cheap,
so if I have left over sentiments or papers from cutting out
projects. I put them all in a basket next to my computer desk.
Then if I need something, it is usually right there in the basket.
I save a ton of paper, ink, and time by having the "scraps"
right there for use on other projects. Some people may think
I am a bit of a tightwad, but it actually saves me a lot of
money having these scraps right where I can get to them.
So, if you are an avid crafter those small pieces could come
in very handy.
By maphisx7 from Gordonsville, VA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a
friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be
very angry I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the
bargains you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and
he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
My town takes jury selection very seriously. So much so
that when it sends questionnaires to perspective jurors,
every question is expected to be answered in full--plain
and simple, no ifs, ands or buts.
This was evidenced by the juror's questionnaire I was sent.
It asked, Do you speak, read and understand English? If no,
explain."
[ view entry ]
( 188 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 432 )
Tuesday, June 12, 2012, 10:37 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, June 12
I had to laugh when Lillemor sent me an article about the
Dept Of Justice getting frantic and trying to forbid Florida
dumping names of dead people off their voting rolls.
Apparently those tens of thousands of ghost voters are
absolutely necessary for Obama to win, and ghost voters
have worked fine in Illinois.
Obama apparently is entitled to them!
There is one way to correct that. Leave them on the voters
rolls, but redline them. Whenever a live person shows up to
vote for a ghost, arrest them and throw them into the slammer
for voting fraud.
Florida could easily enough make an Arpaio style tent jail
in the Everglades, guarded by alligators. And keep them there
until they come up with $100,000 bail money or a $10,000
summary conviction fine.
If they use the same trick with all the illegals, who were
put onto the election rolls, the fines would get the state
out of debt!
Or would that make too much sense?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1665 English rename New Amsterdam, New York, after Dutch pull out
1792 George Vancouver discovers site of Vancouver, BC
1812 Napoleon's invasion of Russia begins
1867 Austro-Hungarian Empire forms
1918 1st airplane bombing raid by an American unit, France
1962 USAF Maj Robert M White takes X-15 to 56,270 m
1967 Israel wins 6 day war (Did they REALLY rent the tanks from Hertz?)
1973 Yanks trade wife swapper Mike Kekich for Lowell Palmer
1980 Reagan said he would submit to periodic medical tests,
-if he remembers.
1982 750,000 anti-nuclear demonstrators, rally in Central Park NYC
200 Million did not demonstrate..
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
--- Laurence J. Peter
"I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid,
if I didn`t have kids."
--- Robert Orben
A college freshman, returning home for the summer,
was discussing the problems of living at college. He was
commenting on the cost of food, power, insurance and the
other costs of living that we must all endure. Mom
commented back to her son that she knew just how he felt.
He got a puzzled look and said “how would you know mom?
You still live at home”.
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000
years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
already had a telephone network one thousand years
ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers
read: "US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating
2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone
1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Canadian newspapers reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Canadian
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
already using wireless technology.
------------------
Yep. That's right. Smoke signals are definitely wireless.
To this day half the Government is accusing it the other
half, that their posturing is just smoke and mirrors, while
those in turn are trying to tax smoking out of Canadian
life. However, if we all stopped smoking, they couldn't
afford medicare!
Well, I am one of the selfish meanies who stopped smoking.
I have not smoked since February 2011, and don't even stand
downwind of smokers.
Thanks to dad for this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
This one bloomed today, a Neoporteria.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Krystle Marie Reyes, 25, in Salem, Oregon
Scams Oregon Out Of 2 Million Dollars,
then calls police when she loses credit card
Krystle Marie Reyes, a 25-year-old Salem woman was jailed
Wednesday after she allegedly filed a fraudulent state tax return,
and received over 2 million dollars.
According to the Marion County Sheriff's Office, Reyes reportedly
used Turbo Tax, a tax preparation computer program, to file her
2011 tax income return.
She claimed that she earned over $3,000,000, then used the
tax calculator program to claim a refund of $2,000,000.
The Internal Revenue examined because of the large amount,
but sent her the refund as calculated on her return.
Investigators say Reyes spent more than $150,000 on numerous
items, including a new vehicle, before she ended up losing her
Visa card with the remainder of her fraudulent tax return
revenue.
Investigators say Reyes reported her card missing, which
alerted authorities to her fraudulent activities.
Officers described the scam as one of the biggest the state
of Oregon has ever seen. Officials are shocked on how easily
she was able to defraud the state. The revenue department
processes approximately 7 billion dollars a year in tax returns
on computer systems designed in the 1980s.
In January, the state decided against a one million dollar
computer upgrade,that would have eventually paid for itself
by finding tax cheaters.
Reyes was booked into the Marion County Jail and charged
with aggravated theft and computer crime. She was released
and is scheduled to appear in court on July 5th.
Sales of Turbo Tax in Oregon have skyrocketed.
Tech Support Pits:
From: AJ
Re: Online Conferencing
Dear Webby
I got some ads about on-line conferencing.
Compared to on-location meetings, $2879 sounds like quite a
big saving. How reliable are those on-line conferences?
A.J.
Dear AJ
Ask your kids to show you how to use Skype.
One on one video conferencing, with additional text chat
for typing or pasting complicated details, is free,
Since Microsoft bought Skype, video conferencing involving
more people costs a bit, but is still uite reasonable.
Most people just use video to the chairman or moderator,
and plain text chat to everybody else in the conference.
One of the great benefits of that is the history. Everybody
has a printable history that can be looked up even years later.
If you use just text chat and one on one video, it is free.
Reliability is still as good as before microsoft bought it.
There is no change in that. We have used Skype for
tech support for a dozen years, and would find it awkward,
if we had to switch to a different solution.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Thanks to Dianne for this:
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who the hell was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Cardboard From Tissue Box
Open up the glued end of an empty large tissue box so it is
now flat. Trim off the logo area. You can use the plain white
area if you wish. Trim off ends and save them. You can get
three tiny gift tags from the ends. You can make 4 cards,
1 bookmark, and 24 tiny tags from a single box or 7 cards
and 21 tags from one box!
For gift tags, punch a small hole in the top and add a ribbon
to tie on to the gift. Attach a ribbon to the top of your bookmark
the same way. Not all boxes measure the same, so don't worry
if you don't come up with the same cuts or think you made a
mistake.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Walter the Stonecarver
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks
me excitedly, "Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're
really just playing against yourself.
This time the family was on vacation and I had gone out to
play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in
the hotel pool, which was full of young kids and surrounded
by dozens of parents. From across the pool, at the top of
his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself?
We checked out that night.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Did you know that in order to encourage interstate
commerce in the US every second state forbids fireworks
and you have to go to the next state to get them. You can
always tell that you are getting close to a state border
when you see those firworks sales huts on the side of the
freeway.
In Canada fireworks are usually regulated locally but
rarely enforced unless somebody does something really
stupid. However, in this one town, which shall remain
nameless, the local dogooders decided to push for a
bylaw banning fireworks, even though the only reported
accident was when a city council member had forgotten
that her hubby had stashed the fireworks in the barbeque
to keep them out of the rain and out of the reach of the
kids.
An opponent to the proposed fireworks bylaw erected a
sign that read: "ALL dogooders should be blown up"
The next morning somebody had spray-painted underneath:
"That would do them good"
[ view entry ]
( 179 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 539 )
Are free Anti-Virus programs worth what they cost?
Monday, June 11, 2012, 10:34 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 11
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1569 1st recorded lottery in England is drawn at St Paul's Cathedral
1571 Emperor Maximilian II grants Austrian nobles freedom of religion
1693 Mt Etna erupts, Sicily
1813 1st pineapples planted in Hawaii
1913 1st sedan-type car (Hudson) goes on display at 13th Auto Show
(New York City NY)
1913 Bread & Roses Strike begins
1922 Insulin 1st used to treat diabetes (Leonard Thompson, 14, of Canada)
1923 French & Belgian troops occupy Ruhr to collect reparations
1942 Japan conquers Kuala Lumpur, Malaya
1954 20 ton locomotive swept into ravine by avalanche - 10 die (Austria)
1962 Volcano Huascaran in Peru, erupts; 4,000 die
1963 1st discotheque opens, The Whiskey-a-go-go in Los Angeles CA
1964 Panamá ends diplomatic relations with US
1991 Congress empowers Bush to order attack on Iraq
1991 Soviets storm buildings in Vilnius to block Lithuania independence
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
--- Laurence J. Peter
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
--- Dick Cavett
One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had
prepared, the husband asked,
"What did you marinate this in?"
The wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation
about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the
same without him.
She must have seen the confused look on her husbands face,
because she inquired, "What did you ask me?"
When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and
said, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
Later, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband
called out,
"Hey, hon, WOULD you marry me again?"
Without hesitation she replied,
"Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
> From Rosie
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention
hotel in Williamsburg, Va., Prided ourselves on making the
guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception,
credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address
him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one
of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome
to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
Click on the picture for the large version
Lupens (Lupinias) in the Yukon.
After clearing forest or after a forest fire the first year
or two there is just fireweed. Then the Lupens come out.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Lowpel Davis, 38, New Haven, CT
Entitlement Fanatic Steals Wig, Chomps Off
portion of shop owner's arm
Lowpel Davis, a 38-year-old Connecticut woman was jailed
after she allegedly tried to steal a wig from a beauty shop, then
bit a chunk of flesh from the business owner's arm.
According to New Haven Police, Davis and a juvenile female
entered the Sassy Beauty Supply store in New Haven Tuesday
afternoon, and stole a wig and a handful of other beauty related
merchandise.
When the store owner noticed that a wig was missing from one
of his merchandise mannequins, he inspected the store's
surveillance camera footage which showed Davis stealing the
merchandise and then placing then it into a bag.
The store owner told his staff to keep Davis and the juvenile
in the shop until police arrived, however, the pair broke
past employees and fled the store.
The store's owner and his 70-year-old father gave chase, but
Davis reportedly fought them, biting a chunk of flesh from
the store owner's bicep.
Davis then punched both men and spit in the shop owner's face.
Police arrived a short time later to find Davis trying to beat the crap
out of four federal protective service officers in front of the Giaimo
Federal Building.
When New Haven police officers handcuffed Davis and placed
her in the back seat of a patrol car, she attempted to kick
out the vehicle's rear window. She was eventually moved to
paddy-wagon style transportation van for her own protection.
Officers involved in the altercation were taken to a local
hospital where they were treated for bite wounds, cuts
and abrasions.
Davis was booked into jail and charged with two counts of
assaulting a police officer, second-degree assault,
first-degree criminal mischief, second-degree breach
of the peace and sixth-degree larceny. Her bond has
been set at $150,000.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Many
Re: Is free Virus Protection worth what it costs?
A lot of people wrote to tell me the names of free virus
protection programs.
I have tried them on secondary machines.
Don't you think that, if those programs were worth two cents,
that the companies, who provide them, would charge two cents?
Sure, they are probably better than nothing at all, but they
are not good enough to charge money for them.
Most of them don't even do their own research, they simply
copy the virus definition list from McAfee. With McAfee often
updating 3-4 times a day, thefreebies are of course hopelessly
behind, sometimes a few months!
If all your data is backed up, and you got all the program
registrations handy and in an easy to find location, sure,
then you can gamble. However, it is your gamble,
and not my recommendation.
To me it seems rather silly to spend Thousand Dollars or
more on an easily replaced computer. but then whine about
a $30 program to protect IRREPLACEABLE files,
and your financial information.
Isn't that like using a milk crate as a child safety seat in a
Mercedes, or a KFC bucket as a helmet for riding a $5000
motorcycle?
My ONLY recommendation is to get With McAfee.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A new miracle doctor was in town.
He could cure anything and anybody, and
everyone was amazed with what he can do.
Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor to prove that he
wasn't so miraculous.
He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my
sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin
to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles
to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith,
"What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar
and tells Mr. Smith to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out,
"This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the
doctor. That will be $100.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the
doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts,
"I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head
and mumbles to himself a little.
Then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence,
Mr. Smith fled the office.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Gift Tags from Wallpaper
We bought a house that needed to be decorated, so we bought
a ton of wallpaper. When we were finished we had 20 rolls left.
My daughter and I decided to make gift cards out of the leftovers
for every holiday and birthdays. We used the following materials:
a paper cutter, a one hole punch, and stamps with sayings on
them.
What beautiful cards they turned out to be and we are making
some extra cash on the side. This has turned out to be a full
time business as well. Who would have thought? Now we have
the whole family buying wallpaper for us and crafting as well,
so many ideas to use the leftovers from our house.
By Lori from Middlefield, OH
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Bob told me that he'd just granted his daughter
"family car" privileges.
"One night she got home from a party kind of late. I went
out to get the paper and came back in a little frustrated.
"Our daughter was sitting at the breakfast table and
I asked her, 'What time did you get in last night?'
"'Not too late, dad.'
"'Well, then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about
putting my paper under the front tire of the car.'"
[ view entry ]
( 171 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 501 )
Good enough virus protection
Sunday, June 10, 2012, 10:49 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 10
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1752 Ben Franklin's kite is struck by lightning-what a shock!
1772 Burning of the Gaspe, British revenue cutter, by Rhode Islanders
1801 Tripoli declares war on US for refusing tribute
1809 1st US steamboat to a make an ocean voyage leaves NY for Philadelphia
1869 Agnes arrives in New Orleans with 1st ever shipment of frozen beef
1898 US Marines land in Cuba, during Spanish-American War
1916 Great Arab Revolt begin
1935 Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by "Bill W."
1940 Italy declares war on France & Britain during WW II
1967 Israel, Syria, Jordan, Iraq & Egypt end "6-Day War"
1975 Rockefeller panel reports on 300,000 illegal CIA files on Americans
1990 Burger King begins using Newman's Own Salad Dressing
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
--- Laurence J. Peter
If your parents never had children,
chances are you won't, either.
--- Dick Cavett
Parents were invented to make children happy
by giving them something to ignore.
--- Ogden Nash
My neighbor's mother-in-law is on AOL.
I asked her "Why?"
She said that all of her friends are there.
So I asked her how much time she spends there.
"Oh, about 8 hours a day."
"What do you do there for all that time?", I asked.
"Mostly just bitch and bellyache about AOL."
Sam and Greg were out deer hunting. Sam was pretty new
to this whole deer hunting thing, so Greg had told him all
about a clean kill, and field dressing, etc.
Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Sam heard some
noise in the woods, he got buck fever and fired. He went
over to where he thought his deer should be, and realized
he had shot his good friend Greg.
Sam rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a
very long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He
told Sam,
"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have
saved him if you had not gutted and cleaned him."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Patti for reporting this bonehead!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Tornia Ann Gutierrez in Del Valle, Texas
Mom jailed for putting PCP in daughter’s lunch
Sheriff's deputies have arrested Tornia Ann Gutierrez after
they say she gave her daughter a sandwich with PCP inside it.
According to an arrest affidavit, on May 4 school officials at
Propham Elementary School in Del Valle noticed a six-year-old
first grader was showing signs of being under the influence
of drugs.
The girl told the counselor that she could hear "banging in her head"
and was talking to people who were not there according to court
documents.
The counselor called the girl's mother, Gutierrez, who asked the
counselor not to call EMS or Child Protective Services. Gutierrez
told the counselor that she was on her way. She arrived at the
school and picked up her daughter without talking to staff school
officials said.
Once at home, investigators said Gutierrez called EMS, and they
transported the girl to Dell Children's Medical Center.
Court documents show that toxicology tests indicated the girl
tested positive for having PCP in her system.
The girl was removed from the home by CPS and placed with a
family member. Gutierrez also allegedly tested positive for PCP
two times herself after the incident.
Investigators interviewed the girl who said she ate a sandwich
that her mother had made for her on the day of the incident.
She told investigators that afterwards she got "crazy dizzy"
and that her lunch meat tasted like "fireworks." She also
allegedly told investigators that her mother told her angel dust
was a drug and it must have gotten on her lunch meat.
According to deputies, Gutierrez admitted that she allowed
33-year-old Robert Jackson to bring PCP into her home.
She told investigators he was a drug dealer and a drug
user.
Gutierrez has been charged with abandoning or
endangering a child, a state jail felony.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Helen
Re: Good Virus Protection
Dear Webby,
Hi! I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY
LOVE YA LOTS HELEN
Dear Webby I just got a new comp and I need a good free
virius protection can you give some advise on one
Helen
Dear Helen
I use and recommend McAfee.
You can get it at a 40% or bigger discount at
http://webby.com/mac
There is no free anti-virus program, that I could recommend
and not worry about your computer getting infected.
Sure, some of the free ones are better than nothing at all,
but I will not be responsible for the consequences, if you
use those.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Father Murphy roared from the pulpit to his
parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots
their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and
you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have
also killed millions."
"Scuse me, Father," hollered O'Reilly from the back,
"but what is it that kills the people who live right?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Freezing Eggs
Until a good friend shared this tip with me, I did not know
that fresh eggs can be whisked together and frozen for up
to six months. I have been doing this for over a year now.
I buy large eggs when they are on sale in the 18 pack
cartons. I keep out about six for use in the fridge and then
whisk together whites and yolks of the remaining 12 eggs
until just combined.
I then measure them into my ice ice-cube trays, using 3 Tbsp.
of the mixture per segment (3 Tbsp. is equivalent to 1 large egg).
Freeze them until solid, then transfer the cubes to a freezer bag
for up to 6 months. Don't forget to date the freezer bag. When
ready to use take out one or more and thaw in the refrigerator.
By Bobbie G from Rockwall, TX
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Ella
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine
husband called home to tell me he would be late - again.
He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered
in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the
whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had dirty
pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post,
so his new platoon should not be penalized for
something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,
"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not
been cleaned."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Annie:
Living in Washington State, my husband and I often
take car trips to Canada to visit his family. One
holiday season we stopped at the border, where the
customs officer asked my husband the value of any goods we
would be leaving in Canada. My husband paused to
think of the value of the gifts we had with us.
"Never mind," the officer said, "What's the most
expensive thing in your car?"
Without hesitation, my husband replied, "My wife."
[ view entry ]
( 274 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 650 )
How to change background and font color on Outlook Express?
Saturday, June 9, 2012, 09:14 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 9
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1822 Charles Graham receives 1st patent for false teeth
1883 1st commercial electric railway line begins operation
1898 China leases Hong Kong's new territories to Britain for 99 years
1940 Norway surrenders to Germany during WW II
1959 1st ballistic missile sub launched
1982 Israel wipes out Syrian SAM missiles in Bekaa Valley
1997 British lease on New Territories in Hong Kong expires
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Good judgment comes from experience,
and often experience comes from bad judgment.
--- Rita Mae Brown
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
--- Robert Pante
>From Rosa
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word SPOT.
After preaching, we were invited out for lunch. I casually
mentioned to the lady that I was allergic to cats.
"That's okay Pastor," the woman said. "I can cook
something else."
Thanks to Lillemore for sending this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
Wait! Something is moving over there!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Tracy Mabb, 35, in Pompano Beach, Florida
Jailed for Stripping Naked On Busy Highway
Tracy Mabb, a 35-year-old Florida woman was jailed Tuesday
after she allegedly stripped down at a busy intersection and
exposed her genitals to passing motorists.
According to the Broward County Sheriff's Office, Mabb was
standing near the 800 block of Dixie Highway in Pompano Beach
Tuesday when she began removing her clothes - including
her bra and panties.
Investigators say Mabb stood naked on the street, exposing
her breasts, genitals, and buttocks to passing motorists and
pedestrians.
When officers responded to the scene and asked Mabb to
put her clothes, she refused, and said "I don't give a fuck".
Mabb was booked into jail and charged with exposing sex
organs. She looks like a bit indignant about having to wear
jail clothes.
Mabb is currently being held in lieu of a $600 bond.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosalie
Re: How do I change background and font colors in Outlook Express??
Dear Webby,
Thanks for your daily Humor Letters; what a wonderful way
to start off my day.
Question: How do I change the background color and the
font color in my outgoing emails with Outlook Express?
Thank you as always; couldn't do it without your help.
Rosalie
Dear Rosalie
I have never used Outlook Express, but this is what I found
on the web:
Add a background color, gradient,
texture, pattern, or picture
On the Message Options tab, in the Themes group, click Page Color.
Click a color on the Theme Colors or Standard Colors palette.
To remove the color, click No Color.
If you want to add a gradient, texture, pattern, or picture,
click Fill Effects.
Select the fill options that you want.
Change the font
You can change the font in your message in several ways:
On the Message tab, in the Basic Text group, you can select
the font, font size, font style (bold, italic, and underline),
font color, and text highlighting.
On the Format tab, in the Font group, you can select the font
and font size; increase or decrease the size by one
increment; change the font style (bold, italic, underline,
strikethrough, subscript, superscript); change the case,
the font color, and the text highlighting; and remove all
font formatting.
On the Mini toolbar that appears when you select text,
you can select the font, increase or decrease the size
by one increment, select a theme, use the Format Painter,
select the font style (bold, italic, and underline), and highlight text.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Little went with his mom and dad to his grandmother's
house for dinner. When little received his plate he
started eating right away.
", wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't have to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."
"That's our house," explained. "But this is Grandma's
house. She KNOWS how to cook!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make A Draining And Drying Frame
I needed a way to drain green beans and butter beans after
picking and washing them. My husband made a frame and
covered it with Hardware Cloth. After washing the beans, I
pour them on the wire and spread them out to drain. I have
found that the frame has other uses too. This morning, I
washed pillows and the frame is perfect for drying them in
the hot sun. The top side has no edging which makes it easy
to rake the beans off into a bucket after they are dry.
By hate litter from NC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Anni was puzzled by the odd messages left on her
answering machine.
Day after day, friends and family would talk and then say,
"Beep."
She discovered the reason for the joke when she decided
to listen to her greeting.
"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a
beep after the message."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
June day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
[ view entry ]
( 345 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 672 )
How does a pre-written mail work?
Friday, June 8, 2012, 09:53 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, June 8
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
452 Italy invaded by Attila the Hun
570 Relgion of Islam (submission) founded in Mecca
632 Muhammad died.
1783 Laki Volcano in southern Iceland begins 8-month eruption
1786 1st commercially-made ice cream sold (NY)
1824 Washing machine patented by Noah Cushing of Quebec
1940 Discovery of element 93, neptunium, announced
1965 US troops ordered to fight offensively in Vietnam
1967 Israel attacks USS Liberty in Mediterranean, killing 34 US crewmen
1979 The Source, 1st computer public information service, goes online
2001 Tony Blair and his Labour Party won a second term
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.
-- Unknown
For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.
-- Gloria Borger
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- George Bernard Shaw
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit.
--- Aristotle
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying"
--- Fran Lebowitz
> From Anna
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.
One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had
changed as a mother from the first child to the last.
She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:
"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called
the ambulance.
When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told
him it was coming out of his allowance."
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.
" Two men are madly in love with me !" Goldie says. " Who will
be the lucky one ? "
The swami answers...." Morris will marry you, and Irving will be
the lucky one. "
Thanks to Lillemore for sending in yesterday;s picture
taken by her son Mikel
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Sandra Ramirez ina Aurora, Colorado
Gas can in child seat, toddler lose
A Facebook photo recently posted to the Colorado Department
of Transportation's Facebook page shows a toddler and gas
can sharing a vehicle's back seat. The gas can is securely
strapped into a child's safety seat. The toddler, seated opposite
the gas can, looks free to roam about the cabin.
The female driver, the mother of the child, was cited for no
proof of insurance and three counts of seat belt violations
Tech Support Pits:
From: Rolly
Re: How does a pre-written mail work?
Dear Webby,
I think you went a mile or two above my head with that
pre-written email stuff. How does that work?
Rolly
Dear Rolly
Windows has your default email program set in the Registry.
Now you can call it from the DOS command line or with a shortcut.
The standard call for doing that has always, even before Windows,
been:
mailto:name@domain.com
It used to be just UNIX and Linux, but now it works the same
on Windows.
By adding a question mark, you can add parameters, just
like you do with web pages.
If you add
?subject=Email Shortcut Test
so that it will be
mailto:name@domain.com?subject=Email Shortcut Test
and hit the shortcut icon, it will open a new email,
address it to name@domain.com
and fill in the subject line with Email Shortcut Test
If you add to that command
&CC=me@here.com
then it will fill that into the CC line.
The BCC works the same.
And so does the BODY.
That trick works great, when you have to send a lot of similar
emails to certain people, and have to just add a word or not even that.
An example would be telling somebody, that their kids are
waiting at the bus stop. The whole email can in that case be
pre-written. You simply hit that icon, then hit SEND.
Done.
Even faster, if you use a hot-key for that, and you already got
one for SEND.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Two tourists are driving through the countryside in Wales.
At the quaint town of Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanf-
ygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stop for lunch and one tourist
asks the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an
argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very
slowly?"
The waitress leans over and says, "Burrr-gurrr-Keeennng."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make A Draining And Drying Frame
I needed a way to drain green beans and butter beans after
picking and washing them. My husband made a frame and
covered it with Hardware Cloth. After washing the beans, I
pour them on the wire and spread them out to drain. I have
found that the frame has other uses too. This morning, I
washed pillows and the frame is perfect for drying them in
the hot sun. The top side has no edging which makes it easy
to rake the beans off into a bucket after they are dry.
By hate litter from NC
In case you don't know what "hardware cloth" is, it is old-
fashioned metallic mosquito netting.
Nowadays you can get it in plastic as well. It is just as
strong but better suited for food items.
You can get it pre-framed to fit screen doors and standard
size windows. A small screen to just fit over a double sink
is usually under $5.
Have FUN!
DeaarWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says,
"Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX and Linux operating systems.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the
question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a
thing but the other two call him boss!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A high school science class was asked the question,
"When water becomes ice,
which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume increases."
Except for one wise guy who was obviously thinking
outside the box, and no doubt in reality, closer to the truth,
"When water becomes ice,
its price increases."
[ view entry ]
( 245 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 651 )
Thursday, June 7, 2012, 05:06 PM -
,
Posted by Administrator
[ view entry ]
( 349 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 770 )
Shortcut for pre-written email
Thursday, June 7, 2012, 11:08 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 7
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1775 United Colonies change name to United States
1863 Mexico City captured by French troops
1912 US army tests 1st machine gun mounted on a plane
1929 Vatican City becomes a soverign state
1938 Boeing 314 Clipper flying boat 1st flown
1967 Israel captures Wailing Wall in East Jerusalem
1971 Soviet Soyuz 11 crew completes 1st transfer to orbiting Salyut
1981 Israel destroys alleged Iraqi plutonium production facility
1989 Wayne Gretzky won his 9th NHL Hart (MVP) Trophy in 10 years
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
--- Will Durant
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out
weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told
the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a
weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O.
asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-
sponded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I
want to be with her during that occasion."
>From Mina
When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him
move into the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get
him to the breakfast table. Before, I used to stand at the bottom of
the staircase and scream his name. Now all I had to do was flick the
basement light off and on, and he was here.
One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it
several more times. "I'm on my way," my son called up.
"You didn't have to yell."
Thanks to Likkemore for sending this picture
taken by her son Mikel
Click on the picture for the large version
Boca Raton Sunrise
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Andrea Amanatides, 38, Albany, NY
Loose woman drops the dope
Andrea Amanatides, a 38-year-old Albany County woman, was
charged a second time when she showed up to serve a six-month
jail sentence, with a vagina filled with heroin and 256 prescription
medication pills.
According to the Albany County Sheriff's Office, Amanatides
arrived at the Albany County Jail on Tuesday to begin a
six-month sentence for a probation violation when her vagina
failed keep a little secret she was hiding.
Investigators say Amanatides filled a condom with 256
prescription pills and four bags of heroin. She then placed
the condom inside her vagina prior to arriving at the jail.
As she waited inside a holding cell, one of the pills dropped
to the floor and rolled into open view. When Amanatides
adjusted herself, the remaining drugs dropped to the floor
as a security camera filmed the embarrassing windfall.
Deputies recovered the drugs, which included 90 Lyrica pills,
37 Adderall pills, 50 Valium pills, 43 Trazadone pills,
10 Ambien pills, 26 Oxycontin pills and four bags of heroin.
Amanatides was charged with five misdemeanor counts of
criminal possession of a controlled substance and a felony
charge of promoting prison contraband.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Glenis
Re: Start a partly pre-written mail with a shortcut
Dear Webby,
I saw one of the IT guys click on an icon and an already
addressed email opened up. He just put some quick
comments into the body of the email and fired it off.
I didn't want to ask him and appear stupid, especially
since those guys can't explain anything anyway.
I take information by phone and then fire quotes by email
to one of the four salespeople.
I know YOU can explain how to do that.
Thanks
Glenis
Dear Glenis
Right-click on a free spot on the desktop's edge,
New
Shortcut
and into the location field type
(Everything on one line between the stars, even though
I line-wrap it here for easier readability)
*************
mailto:johnnie@company.com?subject=Quote # 123456&body=Hi
Johnnie%0AThis is Line Two%0AThis is Line Three%0A%0AGlenis
************
%0A is the top secret command for a line feed.
By the way, do NOT use quotes around the subject line or body
parts like Microsoft suggests. That does not work. Windows
would show the quotes and mess things up.
With the Quote number in the subject line, just use the first
few numbers, that don't change, and add the last three digits manually.
With the body of the mail, I only added Line Two and Three
to show you the way to add line feeds. You would of course
use your own text there, whatever is the same in each email.
In the Shortcut Settings you can go to Web Document and make a
HotKey or Shortcut key, for example CTRL + ALT + J
After that, whenever you hit CTRL + ALT + J the half written
mail to Johnnie opens,
Be careful that you don't assign a nearby letter to a mail
to your lover! An accidental "Let's have a quickie at lunch"
might get misinterpreted, if it gets to the wrong person.
It is best to NOT use company mail for personal mails.
If you have any doubts about that, check out how
Nancy Sebring, the Superintendent of Public Schools
in Des Moines, Iowa lost a $275,000 job, and most
likely also her marriage. Steamy Emails from Superintendent
Use Skype or Gmail for private stuff, not company mail!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was
called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone
in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a
hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair
of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to
Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument
bag open."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Store Christmas Decorations in Santa Sacks
Each year I store away all my decorations in Santa sacks
that have a drawstring top. When Christmas rolls around
again I get the bags down from the storage rack in the
garage. There is no dust and everything is just where I left it.
By Melinda from Melbourne, Australia
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their
conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for
free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for
legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer,
"and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor
prepared a batch of bills. When he went to place
them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received
a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking
care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend
asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever
had has already died and gone on to heaven.
I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
[ view entry ]
( 316 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 778 )
Mail with ZIP files attached
Wednesday, June 6, 2012, 10:57 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 6
Congratulations to Wisconsin!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1813 US invasion of Canada halted at Stoney Creek (Ont)
1882 Cyclone in Arabian Sea (Bombay India) drowns 100,000
1882 Electric iron patented by Henry W. Seely, NYC
1914 1st air flight out of the sight of land (Scotland to Norway)
1932 US Federal gas tax enacted
1933 1st drive-in theatre opens (Camden NJ)
1942 1st nylon parachute jump
1942 1st nylon parachute jump
1944 D-Day: 150,000 Allied Expeditionary Force lands in Normandy, France
1967 6 day war between Israel & Arab neighbors begins
1982 Israel invades southern Lebanon, site of Palestinian guerrillas
1988 George Bush makes campaign promise to support reparations for WW II
Japanese-American internees (promise broken by Clinton)
2012 Transit of Venus (between Earth & Sun) occurs
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing.
It's not holding a charge.
--- Edward Chilton
Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have
the time or the money to do it right.
--- Kurt Herbert Alder
The butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the
door. "Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a
turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one. We have some guests coming over."
"OK" says the butcher. "Let me see what's left." He goes
into the freezer and discovers that there's only one
scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one's too skinny. What else have you got?" the
man asks.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits
a few minutes, then brings the same turkey back out to
the man.
"Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them."
Tony went to the doctor and told him that he couldn't
hear himself fart.
So the doctor gave Tony some pills.
Tony asked him, "Will these make me hear better?"
Doc replied, "No, but they will make you fart louder."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Erin Sayar
Teacher jailed for Having Sex with
16-Year-Old Student at "Horndog High"
Erin Sayar, a 36-year-old English teacher at James Madison
High School has been jailed after she allegedly had an affair
with a 16-year-old student.
According to police, an investigation was launched when the
girlfriend of a 16-year-old student hacked into his Facebook
page and found intimate messages between him and Sayar.
Investigators say Sayar was tutoring the student when the
relationship turned sexual. Sayar and the student reportedly
engaged in sexual intercourse 8 to 12 times before the alleged
relationship was uncovered.
Some of the alleged sex acts reportedly took place in Sayar's SUV.
In other instances the student skipped his 6th hour weight training
class to visit her. The door to her classroom was reportedly locked
during the pair's closed-door sessions.
The couple also reportedly exchanged almost 4,000 messages over
a 17-day period, according to an arrest affidavit.
During questioning, the student was able to identify several tattoos,
including a large mermaid tattoo, in intimate areas of Sayar's body.
Sayar, who is a married with a child, was booked into jail and charged
with rape, criminal sex act and sexual abuse of a minor. Her bond has
been set at $10,000.
James Madison High School has been dubbed "Horndog High"
after at least three other teachers have been fired from the school
after getting caught with sex-related offenses.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Ocra
Re: mail with zip files
Dear Webby,
lately I have received quite a few emails that had zip files
attached, for example one today, claiming to be from DHL.
I don't know anybody, who would send anything to me via DHL.
All the kids and grandkids ever send is requests for money.
So I have not opened it.
Are all mails with attached zip files phony?
Thanks
Ocra
Dear Ocra
Yes.
Sometimes programs, that require a certain directory structure,
are in zip format. However, those are not sent via email, but
are available as a download.
If an email has a ZIP file attached, delete the attachment
and then delete the email. Ignore the authentic looking logo,
that the scammers copied. Any idiot can do that.
Just dump it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President
of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it
to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president
of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom
decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the
Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Wash Shower Curtain with Clips Attached
I used to hate washing my shower curtain. Undoing all those
clips at the top, what a bore! One day, I took the entire
curtain, clips and all, and threw it in the washing machine
on delicate. What a time saver! No damage was done to the
curtain and I saved so much time and aggravation.
By junk02915 from Riverside, RI
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man who was told by his doctor that he was suffering from acute
alcoholism. The man said, "Doc, I can't tell my wife I am suffering
from alcoholism. Isn't there one of those big medical terms that
I can give her?"
The doctor said, "As far as I'm concerned, there is no other term
for it but alcoholism."
As the man left the doctor's office he passed a music store
and in the window his eye caught the word "syncopation".
That word seemed to strike a responsive chord somewhere.
When he got home he told his wife the doctor had said he
was suffering from acute syncopation.
That was all right until she looked up the word in the
dictionary and read: "Syncopation - an irregular
and erratic movement from bar to bar".
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats.
Four small children scurried around her. Her husband,
coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.
"Here," she said, handing him the coats.
"This time you put the kids into their coats, and I'll go honk
the horn."
[ view entry ]
( 10 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 657 )
Tuesday, June 5, 2012, 06:12 PM -
Posted by Administrator
"Moving Day"
Lawrence Brotherton
In the last 30 or so years, my wife and I have moved at least 12 or 13 times. Sometimes it was across town and sometimes it was from one country to another. This is my advice for those who are getting the urge to splurge with a new house.
1. Hire the cheapest mover in the Yellow Pages. Every mover will break or scratch the same quota of items, so it is better not to pay them so much to do it.
2. Forget about marking boxes. Marking boxes to move is somewhat akin to assembling you kid's bicycle, because there will be parts left over you don't know where they go. There will be rooms in the new house that do not fit the rooms they came from.
3. Forget any communications between you and the mover. One, they will forget where you are moving from and lose their directions to where you are moving to. Two, do not expect the mover to be on time. After waiting all day for him to arrive, just as you sit down for the evening meal a truck the size of a football field will pull up on your lawn expecting to get everything done before dark.
4. Do not watch the movers pack. Watching the movers pack is somewhat akin to looking in the kitchen of your favorite restaurant. It will make you sick with an irrepressible urge to throw up.
5. Two days before the movers promise to arrive, send your children off to camp for a month. Movers get along with children like mailmen get along with dogs. Before the day is over, it is inevitable that either a child will be accidentally boxed, or the mover will trip over a child and sue you for everything you own.
6. As soon as you get into your new house and replace all the broken and missing items, nail everything to the floor. You and your wife cut your wrists, cross arms, and make a blood vow never to move again.
7. The three most important things to remember about moving are...
1. Plan ahead
2. Don't do it
3. Consider the cost of the move as three times the cost of your new house.
[ view entry ]
( 175 views )
| permalink | print article | ( 3 / 377 )
Where does spam come from?
Tuesday, June 5, 2012, 09:41 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, June 5
Got the MRI behind me. First there was an hour of answering
mostly obvious and already answered questions. For example
on top there were questions about whether I was male or
female. Then further down the form asked if I was pregnant
and if I was breastfeeding.
Since all that information is in my files, that dumb
interrogation just made them look silly.
When they ran out of questions or got tired of hearing
smart-ass answers to silly questions, I had to lie down on
a stretcher. They strapped me down and poked at my right
arm for a while to find a vein for injecting some contrast
medium. Eventualy she succeeded.
Then they put some thick earphones on me that almost
covered my ears and shoved the stretcher and me into a
culvert, that was almost as wide as my shoulders. They
lowered the stretcher a bit and found a position, where they
could fit me in.
Then over the noise of some big fans echoing in the culvert
and apparently affecting the sound from the machine, that
issued instructions, they mumbled something like
"Wheeze in"
"Wheeze out"
"Wheeze backin"
Then there is some beeping like you sound off in the mine
or heavy industry before you start up equipment,
probably to chase away whoever might be close,
then after five - ten seconds they mumble
"Oggeyiiii"
They kept doing that for about 90 minutes.
I lowered my breathing so that there was not much difference
between "wheeze in" and "wheeze out", and had a nap.
When done, they didn't show me any pictures or tell me any
results, they just told me that I could get dressed and go home.
Apparently somebody more competent than the staff there today
will look at the pictures some day, probably from home via
the Internet.
That seems to be standard procedure nowadays.
When I find out what they see in the 90 minute test, I'll
let you know.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1661 Isaac Newton admitted as a student to Trinity College, Cambridge
1783 Joseph & Jacques Montgolfier make 1st public balloon flight
1876 Bananas become popular in US
1912 US marines invade Cuba (3nd time)
1917 10 million US men begin registering for draft in WW I
1940 1st synthetic rubber tire exhibited Akron OH
1975 Suez Canal reopens (after 6 Day War caused it to close)
1976 Teton Dam in Idaho burst causing $1 billion damage (14 die)
1977 1st personal computer, the Apple II, goes on sale
1981 Center of Disease Control reports a pneumonia affecting gays (AIDS)
1989 Paul McCartney releases "Flowers in the Dirt"
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month,
and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.
--- Thomas Jefferson
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
--- Franklin P. Jones
If we don't change direction soon,
we'll end up where we're going.
--- Professor Irwin Corey
It is good to be without vices,
but it is not good to be without temptations.
--- Walter Bagehot
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.
--- H. H. Williams
Politicians should read science fiction,
not westerns and detective stories.
--- Arthur C. Clarke
Thanks to Diana for this story:
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo, your country house
caretaker."
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot
died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"
"That's the one."
"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that
bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"
"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse, Mr. Arnaldo?"
"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died
from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain
caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!!
What was the candle for???"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"
"Your mother-in-law's! She showed up one night, out of the
blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new
Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Arnaldo, if you broke that driver, you are fired!"
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
That caused somebody named Jessie and two other people
to unsubscribe, and somebody named Hilary gave gift
subscriptions to seventeen people.
The bandaid joke reminded two people that when they
subscribed, they really SHOULD have put their first name
or nickname into the spot that asked for first name or
nickname.
If you accidentally put your full name there, or misspelled
your name or nickname, or forgot to use a Cap for the first
letter, please tell me. It only takes a second or two to
fix that.
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Catalina Clouser, 19, in Phoenix, Arizona
Teacher - Charged With Having Year-Long
Sexual Relationship With Student
Melody Carter-McCabe, a 27-year-old agriculture teacher at
Livingston High School, has been jailed after she allegedly
had a year-long sexual relationship with a 15-year-old student.
According to the Merced County Sheriff's Office, an i
nvestigation was launched in March of this year after gossip
began circulating around the school of a sexual relationship
between Carter-McCabe and a student who was 15 years old
when the alleged relationship began.
Investigators say the relationship began in September, 2010
and lasted until August, 2011. The pair reportedly became
close when Carter-McCabe began mentoring the student
through Future Farmers of America (FFA).
The student told investigators that he was a regular visitor
at the teacher's home and that he and his teacher engaged
in sex more than 50 times during the relationship.
The pair reportedly exchange a large number of photographs
and messages during the course of the relationship - items
that are now in the hands of prosecutors in the case.
The relationship reportedly ended in 2011 when the couple
decided that their age difference would make it impossible
to be together until he was older.
Carter-McCabe was booked into jail and charged with nine
felony counts of unlawful sex with a minor. Her bail was set
at $250,000.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Christina
Re: Where does spam come from?
Dear Webby,
Where does all the spam come from?
When I look up the IP numbers, I see Chinese servers,
but that does not make sense at all.
Christina
Dear Christina
What you saw were relays in China. Some Chinese
servers make money by allowing spammers to send their
spam through them to disguise the origin, and some of them
are simply so incompetent that they don't even notice it
when spammers do that. They don't really care anyway.
It's no big deal to them if the US loses a Billion Dollars in
productivity every week because people have to waste time
on getting rid of spam.
There is no point in getting sidetracked with the
misdirections. If we block China, then the spammers will
just relay through Africa. What you have to look at is who
paid the geeks to send the spam through China to you.
It's the fake Rollex seller a few houses over from you,
and the pill pusher across the street from the church,
and that annoying yuppie insurance broker next door to
Gramma's house.
You have to look at who would benefit if you fell for the
spam. Those are the real culprits. The FTC could easily
find them, if they wanted to, or if they were encouraged
enough. PayPal and the credit card companies will quite
cheerfully comply with a subpoena and reveal who the
beneficiary of an order was.
They don't like spam either.
Personally, I don't see that spam, because MailWasher
dumps it right on the server, unseen. I only see the cute
and colorful stats and charts, that tell me which of my
filters was killing the most spam.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A radio announcer was introducing a record, "This next
one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven.
Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"
There was a short pause and then the DJ said,
"I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one one
is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Garden Organizer Bucket Idea
Four gallon square buckets fit inside five gallon round buckets.
By putting the square one inside the round one, you have a
center place for your potting soil and small spaces for the
gardening implements and garden stakes.
The four gallon diameter is 9 15/16 inches and the diameter
of the five gallon is 11 inches approximately.
You may have to play around with the different sizes, but if
you have two at home that you can try out, why not? This
would also work with boots in the center and umbrellas
around the edges, tall and short dried flowers, or anything
you want to keep handy and don't want to dig around for.
Hope this helps!
By Poor But Proud from Sweet Home, OR
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
>From Arvid
Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the
hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went
outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its
tunnel. As I left the house, I overheard my daughter saying,
"There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole hills."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
> From Dave
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were
being shown as I stumbled my way through the dark,
sat down and gave my girlfriend a long and apparently
much appreciated kiss and smooch.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Dave, I'm back here."
[ view entry ]
( 157 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 505 )
Monday, June 4, 2012, 03:02 PM -
Posted by Administrator
A guy is strolling down the street in Vegas when he comes across
an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a
genie.
The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies;
"I've had terrible luck my whole life, I just wish I could have
some good luck for a change."
"And so it shall be" says the genie as he disappears in a puff of
smoke.
So off the guy strolls, wondering if this will really change his
life, when he spies $10 on the sidewalk. Not a bad start he
thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing list, and sees a
horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 odds. He puts the $10 on the nose,
and what do you know, the horse comes in first.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the nearest casino,
fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole $1,010 on
"Lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying.... what better way to celebrate than to
head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with
streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the
establishment puts her arm around him and says,
"Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are
our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy
the pleasures of any girl who works here, absolutely free of
charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian
girl.... so he's ushered into one of the rooms and in strolls
themost gorgeous Indian woman he has ever seen. Not much time
passes
before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp
101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point the guy
pauses and says to the girl,
"You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my
life. I can't believe how lucky I am to be with you. But there is
one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like
that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to
please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see
my caste mark gone, then please scratch it off."
So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he
leans back and starts killing himself laughing.
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.
To which the guy replies, "You're never going to believe this,
but I've just won a car!"
[ view entry ]
( 191 views )
| permalink | print article | ( 2.9 / 519 )
Proper way to change subscription address
Monday, June 4, 2012, 08:49 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 4
Today I have to drive to Calgary for an MRI. They had been
quite concerned, that there might be some iron in my head
from the two aneurism operations in the late 80s and early
90's. I was quite sure that the hospital in Vancouver, that
did the operations, used stainless steel, which is not affected
by magnets, and they finally confirmed that.
As far as I know, an MRI is just an hour of filling out red tape
promising not to sue them, if I die during the procedure,
and then five to ten minutes resting in some culvert.
On the way to Foothills Hospital I'll stop by Dianne, the lady
who sends the Bonus links every day, and drop off some
rhubarb for her.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
780 -BC- 1st total solar eclipse reliably recorded by Chinese
1070 Roquefort cheese created in a cave near Roquefort, France
1783 Montgolfier brothers launch 1st hot-air balloon (unmanned)
1784 Mme Thible becomes 1st woman to fly (in a balloon)
1792 Capt George Vancouver claims Puget Sound for Britain
1805 Tripoli forced to conclude peace with US after war over ransom
1912 Massachusetts passes 1st US minimum wage law
1919 US marines invade Costa Rica
1940 British complete miracle of Dunkirk by evacuating 300,000 troops
1940 German forces enter Paris
1942 Battle of Midway begins; Japan's 1st major defeat in WW II
1944 5th Army enters & liberates Rome from Mussolini
1946 Largest solar prominence (300,000 mi/500,000 km) observed
1956 Speech by Khrushchev blasting Stalin made public
1982 Israel attacks targets in south Lebanon
1985 Supreme Court strikes down Alabama "moment of silence" law
1990 Greyhound Bus files bankruptcy
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.
--- W. C. Fields
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
--- Ambrose Bierce
You can never underestimate the stupidity of the
general public.
--- Scott Adams
There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
came home from the bar one night quite
inebreated and wanted to sneak in so the spouse wouldn't
know. Unfortunately the mickey in 's back pocket
broke as tried to sneak up the stairs and fell
backwards. Some of the glass cut 's rear end.
grabbed the box of bandaids and attempted to
cover the cuts.
The next morning 's spouse Remarked:
"You were pretty drunk when you came home last night."
How did you know ?" replied.
"Your shoes were sitting on the porch and there was
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs and a smelly
booze stain on the carpet, but the clincher was the
15 bandaids stuck on the hall mirror."
The World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Judy for reporting this one:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Catalina Clouser, 19, in Phoenix, Arizona
Stoned Mom Puts Baby on Car Roof, Drives Off
Catalina Clouser had her 5-week-old baby strapped in a car
seat when she drove home just after midnight yesterday.
Unfortunately, the mom, who unsurprisingly admits she was
smoking pot beforehand, left both baby and car seat on the
roof of her car, reports the Arizona Republic. When Clouser
got home, she realized her baby was missing and called
friends to get them to look for the baby.
Luckily, Phoenix officials had already gotten a report about
a baby in the middle of an intersection and taken him to a local
hospital. The baby was OK, according to a police spokesman,
and the child is now in the custody of Arizona Child Protective
Services.
Police said Clouser and her boyfriend had been smoking marijuana
in a park and left with the toddler to buy beer late on Friday night.
Officers stopped the car and the boyfriend was arrested for
suspicion of driving under the influence while driving with the
baby INSIDE the 2000 Ford Focus.
Clouser then drove to a friend's home and "admittedly smoked
one or two additional bowls of marijuana," Holmes said.
When she left from there after midnight, she put the baby onto
the roof of the car and left it there, while she drove home.
Clouser has been arrested for child abuse and DUI charges
and is in Joe Arpaio's tent city, most likely wearing a pink
jail uniform.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Joan
Re: Proper way to change the address
Dear Webby,
I will be changing my e-mail address at the end of the month,
How do I change it on my Dear Webby newsletter.
Cheers Joan
Dear Joan
The prim and proper way would be to subscribe at
http://webby.com/sub
That tests the new address and sends you a confirmation
request.
If you don't get the confirmation request,
then the new address is still too flakey.
So you get your new ISP to fix the problem,
and try subscribing again.
(The old request ages off in 72 hours)
If the email works now, you get the confirmation request,
hit OK on that, and your new subscription is in.
The next morning you will have the Humor Letter at
the new address, AND at the old address.
Then you go to the one at the old address,
scoot all the way down,
and click on the UNsubscribe line there.
That is the prim and proper way.
You can also just tell me which address to add.
Assuming that the new address works, then you just have to
UNsubscribe the old one, once you have the first Humor Letter
at the new address.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training.
Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the
entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life
were spent in the arms of a woman,
- who wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying,
"And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his
speech, which went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse
the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this
morning. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The
greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall
the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out,
"...and I can't remember who she was!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep After School Snacks in the Car
Keep snacks in the car. Fill a sandwich bag with pretzels,
crackers, cheerios, etc. Keep bottled water also. If you pick
up your kids, as I do, they are hungry when they get in the car.
This snack gets them to dinner and makes for a more
pleasant ride home.
By Wanda from Climax, NC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so
she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes
later, MY sister arrived by train so that she could manage
our house over the weekend while my wife was gone. On
Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister
departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my
wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you sure have some system going! But
one of these days a train is going to be leaving late and
you're goin' to get caught!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
>From Myrna
I took my daughter to the doctor for her 2-year-old check.
They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks,
and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the
doctor said, "Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?"
So she walked over and stood on his foot.
[ view entry ]
( 238 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 447 )
Sunday, June 3, 2012, 11:03 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 3
Some Shriners having fun during the annual parade today:
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1098 Christian Crusaders seize Antioch, Turkey
1539 Hernando De Soto claims Florida for Spain
1976 US presented with oldest known copy of Magna Carta
1991 Mount Unzen erupts in Japan. Worst eruption in Japanese history
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.
--- Bertrand Russell
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
--- Fred Allen
The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking.
--- Louis Vermeil
Do just once what others say you can't do,
and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
--- James R. Cook
> From Bob
The day I started my construction job, I was in the office
filling out an employee form when I came to the section that
asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.
I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was
also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any
of the blanks. Instead he had written,
'Yes, in that order.'
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong
number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of
Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a
wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as
I want to get."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Jenna Anne Schultz, 26, in St Paul, Minnesota
Teacher's sexual advances not
appreciated by student
Jenna Anne Schultz, a 26-year-old student teacher at Simley
High School, has been jailed after she allegedly stalked a
17-year-old student with text messages and a naked photo.
According to police, Schultz reportedly sent text messages,
Facebook messages and a nude photograph of herself to a
Simley High School student who apparently didn't want the
attention.
Investigators say the messages and photograph were sent
between May 11 and May 14. The boy reported the inappropriate
contact to school officials who, in turn, reported the matter
to police.
During a police interview, Schultz reportedly admitted to
taking the explicit photo, but claimed that she must have
been drunk when she sent the photograph to the student.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Pat
Re: Fuzzy close-ups
Dear Webby
When I take close-ups with my digital camera, the center
always seems to be fuzzy. Distance shots are clear, so it's
not a greasy fingerprint on the lens. It's a very small lens
and recessed anyway. What could cause that?
Thanks
Pat
Dear Pat
Especially with small lenses the aperture has to open up
wide if the lighting is low. That causes the area of
sharpness to shrink to a thin layer.
If you can add extra light, that will thicken the layer of
sharpness. When you can't add light, go farther away.
Use the highest resolution you got, and then later crop
the picture to get your close-up.
When you are really close, the layer that is in focus is
maybe half an inch thick. That might be the tips of a
flower, and the inner parts of a deep blossom might
be fuzzy. From a few feet away, the layer of sharpness
would be 5-6 inches and plenty to show the entire flower
nice and sharp.
Close-up lenses and microscopes are no help at all.
They make that effect even worse.
When up very close using the flash often helps.
The camera pre-calculates the effect of the flash and
squints down the aperture. On a close-up most of the
flash will shoot right by it and what light from it, that
actually hits the object, will be at a good angle and
improve contrast.
As a general rule of thumb, the smaller the lens is, the
more light you need, and the farther back you should be.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
I've noticed the oddest behavior in most women. The
only time they won't look in a mirror is when they're
pulling out of a parking space.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Scrubs as Pajamas
Medical scrubs make very comfortable, cheap pajamas.
They are available in a variety of colors and styles
(including large sizes if required). I got mine from
RMF Scrubs.
By Verity from Norfolk, UK
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young husband comes home one night, and his
wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling,
I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me
a test today, but until we find out for sure,
we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the doorbell, because the young couple
hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man
from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"It sure is!"
"Well, I will talk to my husband about this tonight !"
That night, she tells her husband about the
visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the
electric company offices the first thing the
next morning. "What's going on here? You have
it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband
shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option
but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The two female teens were discussing a news article
concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl, "He doesn't do all my
writing, anyway!"
[ view entry ]
( 285 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 661 )
Address change notifications
Saturday, June 2, 2012, 02:19 PM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 2
Long time subscriber Mike Moore wrote:
Hi i'm an above the knee amutee and at 71 just learning
to walk with my new leg. I have the leg with the free swing
knee and if I stub my toe, down I go. The knee will not lock
up to keep me from falling. I have been trying to get the
computerized knee that would lock up in case of a stub
plus it would learn my gate of walk. The only problem of
getting one is my copay is $5000. Yes $5000 Co-Pay!
And like you, my money is very short.
Mike Moore
Dayton NV
If anybody knows of some way to help Mike get a better leg
than a free-swing peg-leg, please let me know and I'll connect
you to Mike.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
455 Gaiseric & the Vandals sack Rome
1835 P.T. Barnum & his circus begin 1st tour of US
1851 1st US alcohol prohibition law enacted (Maine)
1857 James Gibbs, Va., patents chain-stitch single-thread sewing machine
1866 Renegade Irish Fenians surrender to US forces
1883 1st night baseball under lights, Ft Wayne Indiana
1924 US citizenship granted to all American Indians
1953 Coronation of Queen Elizabeth II in Westminster Abbey
1966 US Surveyor 1 lands in Oceanus Procellarum; 1st lunar soft-landing
1969 Australian aircraft carrier "Melbourne" slices US destroyer
"Frank E Evans" in half, killing 74. (South Vietnam)
1989 10,000 Chinese soldiers are blocked by 100,000 citizens protecting
students demonstrating for democracy in Tiananmen Square, Beijing
1997 Timothy McVeigh was found guilty of the bombing of the federal building
in Oklahoma City.
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
You must find the place inside yourself
where nothing is impossible.
--- Deepak Chopra
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy,
overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody
who owns hideous clothing.
--- Dave Barry
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt
those who find it.
--- Andre Gide
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of
his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign
on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person
looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next
day someone stole it.
-------------------
I am going to try that with some left-over chainlink fence,
that has been sitting around for too long.
The first time I sent this joke out, I was sending the
Humor Letter with Winfax. That was before the Internet.
Accident Report.
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information. In block number three of the accident reporting
form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You
said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust
that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I
was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500
pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks
down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using
a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the
building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding
it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of
bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident
reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise
at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of
the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-
bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time
I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now
weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my
weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations
of my legs and groin. The encounter with the barrel,
slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the
pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there
on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel
six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope. The barrel came down at a rapid pace
and broke my glasses, my nose, and four teeth.
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Stephanie Irene Santana, 20, in Houston, Texas
Drunken Pregnant Woman Asks For Tattoo
While Baby Is Left Unattended In Car,
Found Passed Out In Car
Stephanie Irene Santana, a 20-year-old Houston woman was
jailed Wednesday after she allegedly left her 10-month-old child
alone in a car while she got a piercing.
According to the Houston Police Department, Santana, who is
7 months pregnant and extremely intoxicated, drove to a tattoo
parlor around 2:45 a.m. and asked how long it would take to
get a tattoo.
She reportedly stated that she was limited on time because
she had a sleeping baby outside in her car. Employees advised
her to tend to her child, then called police.
Investigators say officers found Santana outside the tattoo
parlor passed out at the wheel. Her daughter was asleep
in the passenger seat, unrestrained. Officers found several
open beer bottles and Xanax in the car.
The child was placed into protective custody while social
workers work to find a suitable relative to place the child with.
Santana was booked into jail and charged with driving while
intoxicated, child endangerment, and possession of a
controlled substance.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Noname
Re: New Address
My new address is .............
Dear Noname
What is your old address?
Or are you just a half-baked scammer trying to phish for
working addresses to spam to?
If you want me to update your address, please tell me your
Old Address
New Address.
First Name
Sometimes I can guess, but don't count on that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Thanks to Rose for this:
One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told
her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.'
Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and
told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you
to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel
right now!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Paper Packaging for Covering Your Workbench
I save the large (25 and 50 pound) heavy craft paper bags
that wild bird seed comes in. I cut along the top and bottom
of the stitching and slit one side then fold and store them
on my work bench. These make wonderful heavy disposable
work surface covers to protect your workbench for your
current project. I also use them when spray painting, stripping
furniture, etc. as they catch all the overspray and drips.
When your finished, you just fold them up and put them in
the trash.
By MaryCrane from Orange Park, FL
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch,
and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his
dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he
flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy.
"Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the
'Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking
skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike.
She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to
have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.
One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was
also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table
and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put
his arm around the young woman and said in his best
mock-seductive voice, "Hellooow, Sandy! Do you come
here often?."
"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.
"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."
[ view entry ]
( 204 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3.1 / 386 )
Friday, June 1, 2012, 09:58 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, May 25
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1495 1st written record of Scotch Whiskey appears in Exchequer Rolls
of Scotland. Friar John Cor is the distiller
1774 British govt orders Port of Boston closed
1845 Homing pigeon completes 11,000 km trip (Namibia-London) in 55 days
1855 US adventurer Wm Walker conquers Nicaragua, reestablishes slavery
1869 Voting Machine patented by Thomas Edison
1877 US troops authorized to pursue bandits into Mexico
1915 1st Zeppelin air raid over England
1938 Superman Comics launched
1939 British sub "Thetis" sinks in Liverpool Bay with all 99 aboard
1969 Tobacco advertising is banned on Canadian radio & TV
1990 The Cowboy Channel on cable TV begins transmitting
1991 Mount Pinatubo (Phillipines) erupts for 1st time in 600 years
2001 Crown Prince Dipendra of Nepal wiped out most of the royal family before shooting himself.
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
--- Aesop
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
--- Kin Hubbard
From Jane:
We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from
New York to California and were looking for a place
to spend the night. At four different motels, however,
we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies."
Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old son asked
solemnly, "Mom, are we vacancies?"
A City Policeman went up to a vendor selling toys and
said, "I'm sorry, you can't sell that stuff without a license."
The peddler replied, "I knew I wasn't selling any, but I
didn't know the reason."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Heidi Hyre, 51, in Albany, Oregon
Heidi Hyre And The Case Of The Naughty Librarian
Heidi Hyre, a 51-year-old library aide at South Albany High
School has been jailed after she allegedly sent sexual text
messages to three gossipy students and had sex with one
of them.
According to police, Hyre had more on her mind than the
Dewey Decimal System when she allegedly began sexting with
three 17-year-old students at South Albany High School.
Investigators say Hyre, who is married with college aged
children, also had sex with one of the students. The sexual
encounter reportedly took place in her car about two miles
from the school.
Hyre has been placed on administrative leave pending the
outcome of the investigation. An investigation was launched
after rumors of an inappropriate relationship began circulating
around the school.
Hyre was booked into jail and charged with using a child in a
display of sexually explicit conduct, encouraging child sex abuse,
luring a minor, contributing to the sexual delinquency of a
minor and third-degree sexual abuse.
Her bail has been set at $25,000.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Unc Wes
Re: Double Amputee walking
Dear Webby
I would love to see a double-amputee walk...even with a cane !!!
unk wes
Dear Unc Wes
Not all amputees can afford bionic legs.
Many have just cheap peg-legs and do need a cane to walk
and even to stand upright without leaning onto a counter
or wall.
Usually only when they lose their legs as very young kids,
do they achieve proper balance without a cane, however,
some make it to the olympics and compete against runners,
who have both legs, and who complain, that the amputee has
an unfair advantage.
Runner without legs
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his
sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first
rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the
auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick
you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.
He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing
happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.
As he careened crazily earthward, he yelled:
"@%$# Army! . I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing Rubber Bands
Save the little plastic hanger that comes with a new pair
of socks. Load all your stray rubber bands onto the hanger.
Use one rubber band to make the hinge. Loop it inside itself
around the end and then hook the other end.
Toss it in a drawer or hang.
By Anne from Memphis, TN
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport
company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely
damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however,
when I reached the section of the report that asked,
"Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot
was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater,
which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It
was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet
in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth
50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
The lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just
missed the highway!"
[ view entry ]
( 175 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 438 )
Thursday, May 31, 2012, 12:42 PM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, May 31
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
0070 Rome captures 1st wall of the city of Jerusalem
1665 Jerusalem's rabbi Sjabtai Tswi proclaims himself Messiah
1678 Lady Godiva rides naked through Coventry in a protest of taxes
1879 1st electric railway opens at Berlin
1884 Dr John Harvey Kellogg patents "flaked cereal"
1891 Work on trans-Siberian railway begins
1900 British troops under Lord Roberts occupy Johannesburg
1900 US troops arrive in Peking, help put down Boxer Rebellion
1907 Taxis 1st began running in NYC
1912 US marines land on Cuba
1916 British battle cruiser Invincible explodes, killing all but 6
1935 Quake kills 50,000 in Quetta Pakistan
1940 Prime Minister Winston Churchill flees to Paris
1941 41 U boats sunk this month (325,000 ton)
1947 Communists grab power in Hungary
1955 Construction begins on Soviet cosmodrome launch facilities
1961 Union of South Africa becomes a republic, leaving the Commonwealth
1970 An earthquake in Peru left more than 50,000 dead.
1979 Zimbabwe (Rhodesia) proclaims independence
1980 Police & youthful rebels battle in Zurich
1991 Oldest bride - Minnie Munro, 102, weds Dudley Reid, 83, in Australia
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Just keep going.
Everybody gets better if they keep at it.
--- Ted Williams
It is not necessary to understand things in order to
argue about them.
--- Pierre Beaumarchais
Verizon's "support" is built on that concept.
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc,
my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and
to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when
does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out Mrs Smith is pregnant
and I've been on birth control pills since February."
A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what
his future held for him.
The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl,
who will want to know everything about you."
"That's great !" said the frog. "Where will I meet her? At
a party, in the pond?"
The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her
next semester,
in Biology lab!"
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Tiffany Jacobs and Alvina Leiba, both 19 in Deltona, Florida
Heavy Pizza Robbery
A “wide view” Florida woman and her companion are
facing felony charges after the ravenous duo allegedly
hatched a harebrained plot to rob a Pizza Hut deliveryman
of two large pizzas, 14 chicken wings, and an apple pie.
Short on cash, Tiffany Jacobs and Alvina Leiba, both 19,
concocted a plan to score the free grub, which was delivered
around midnight to Leiba’s home in Deltona, according to a
charging affidavit prepared by the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.
In interviews with deputies, Jacobs and Leiba said they
did not have enough money to pay for the Pizza
Hut food, so they “planned on scaring the pizza delivery
man into leaving prior to them paying.”
Jacobs (Two-Ton, left) told cops that Leiba (right) gave her
“all black clothing and a mask to wear,” and that she
“obtained a wooden bat from the neighbor’s yard to intimidate
the pizza delivery man with.”
When Pizza Hut employee Brian Healy, 19, arrived at Leiba’s
home, she directed him to put the food down on a table inside
the doorway while she searched for extra cash (she was holding
only $12). That’s when the 5’ 1”, 200-pound Jacobs, in her
wanna-be ninja getup, emerged from her hiding spot and
approached Healy from behind.
Jacobs, who has used the alias "Shaccariana Jackson," told
cops that she planned to scare the deliveryman by swinging
the bat at a pole near the doorway, but “accidentally” hit
him in the side and head a few times.
Healy told deputies that a “large African American female”
assailant struck him in the head and left arm with a baseball
bat. After wrestling the bat out Jacobs’s hands, he threw it
into the yard, as Jacobs fled.
Remarkably, Healy then returned to the front door and “asked
the original customer if she was going to pay for the food.”
While Leiba claimed that she was calling police, presumably
to report him for attacking her partner, Healy returned to the
roadway and he actually dialed 911.
Expecting cops to arrive at the residence, Jacobs and Leiba
hid in some nearby woods until sunrise. The pair then returned
to Leiba’s home, where they subsequently ate the Pizza Hut
food.
After the women were arrested and placed in a holding cell,
they “laughed profusely about the situation,” according to
the affidavit sworn by Deputy Kyle Walter. Leiba remarked
that she “would not pay any fines assigned to her and would
flee to Trinidad” and said she was “so hungry she would rob
a McDonald’s with Jacobs when they got out of jail.”
Jacobs told investigators that she and Leiba had “been planning
on robbing a pizza delivery man for approximately one year”
and had actually attempted a Pizza Hut heist several months
ago. In the original attempt, Jacobs answered the door, “while
Leiba was supposed to scare the delivery man.”
Who happened to be Healy.
However, the 5’ 3”, 120-pound Leiba failed to scare the
Pizza Hut worker and “Jacobs stated that she paid for the
pizza during that incident.”
Asked if he had previously delivered to the Deltona residence,
Healy recalled a “suspicious incident” during which “the wider
individual answered the door, while the not so wide female
approached him from the rear.” Healy added that he was not
assaulted that time, nor did he contact police.
Jacobs, charged with armed robbery and aggravated battery
with a deadly weapon, is being held in the Volusia County jail
in lieu of $3000 bail. Leiba, facing an armed robbery count,
bailed out of custody Saturday after posting $1500.
Tech Support Pits:
From: sex c sass c
Re: "Flame" virus
Dear Webby
Enjoy your newlsetter everyday and the questions that others
ask. I don't always understand the questions/answers but do
find them interesting. My question is abput this new virus
making headlines nicknamed Flame. What do you know about
it and do we have fear it over here in this part of the woods?
Thanks for all you do and for making us smile!
sex c sass c
Dear Sex C Sass C
Security firms have not been warning of any direct risk
to average Internet users. Sophos' noted that "Flame" has only
been discovered in a few hundred computers in Iran and
thereabouts.
“Certainly, it's pretty insignificant when you compare it to
the 600,000 Mac computers which were infected by the
Flashback malware earlier this year.”
Flame can extract huge amounts of data, that takes a great
amount of work to analyze. Therefore it's owners are limiting
it to just a few hundred carefully targeted "high value"
computers. It's not really a virus anyway. It does not seem to
replicate itself and spread on it's own, but seems more a
carefully targeted invasion.
As long as you don't build nuclear bombs in your kitchen
or engage in any terrorism or significant threat to peace,
Flame won't be targeted at you.
However, even if you only terrorize hubby and the dog,
it is still a good idea to keep your McAfee up to date.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's
speaking English that kills you.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Placemat With Photos
I take pictures from trips I have taken, laminate them on
placemat size paper. They are always of interest when
people come to dinner. I have also done this with various
holiday cards, so I have placemats to go with all holidays.
By Bev from Carlsbad, CA
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house.
Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his
eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you
could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces
without me asking."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside
a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one
of the old grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you
are."
The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
He did.
The grandmas stared at him for a while and then they all
piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess
that?"
The ornery old grandmas, laughed. Slapping their knees
and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in
unison, "You told us yesterday!"
[ view entry ]
( 388 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 768 )
"Email Account Suspension" Mail
Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 10:44 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, May 30
While looking at the preview list of mail in MailWasher,
I saw this semi-legitimate looking mail today, that claimed
"Dear PayPal User,
You sent a payment for $5698.53 USD to Damian Lugo."
Yeah, sure. I got the 53 cents, but the $5698 simply are not
in my account, or anywhere near it.
The actual link underlying, but exposed by Mailwasher for
"View the details of this transaction online"
was
http://wwwa-tecindustries.com/TU6Dp4tJ/index.html
The same link was underlying links pretending to be PayPal
links. Naturally, I would not hit that link with a 10 foot pole.
If you don't have MailWasher to expose stuff like that, be
very careful with mails, that claim you had sent money
somewhere, even though you haven't.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
1431 Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic.
1539 Spanish explorer Fernando de Soto discovers Florida
1808 Napoleon annexes Tuscany & gave it seats in French Senate
1814 1st Treaty of Paris, after Napoleon's 1st abdication
1821 James Boyd patents Rubber Fire Hose
1848 México ratifies treaty giving US; New Mexico, California &
parts of Nevada, Utah, Arizona & Colorado in return for $15 million
1858 Hudson Bay Company's rights to Vancouver Island revoked
1872 Mahlon Loomis patents wireless telegraphy
1889 The brassiere is invented
1896 1st car accident occurs, Henry Wells hit a bicyclist (NYC)
1913 New country of Albania is formed
1941 English Army enters Baghdad, chasing pro-German coup government
1942 1,047 bombers bomb Cologne in RAF's raid of WWII
1966 300 US airplanes bomb North Vietnam
1966 US launches Surveyor 1 to the Moon
1967 Robert "Evel" Knievel's motorcycle jumps 16 automobiles
1968 University church in Leipzig, East Germany, blown up
1976 Bobby Unser sets world record for the fastest pit stop (4 seconds)
1997 Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, set afire by 12 year old grandson
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
--- Jimmy Buffett
If you make friends with yourself
you will never be alone.
--- Maxwell Maltz
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel in England to ask its
location.
"It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
The reply came back: "It's the one with all the broken
windows."
A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a
dog on a leash.
He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I
couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the
movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously
in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he
laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that
unusual??"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ...
because he hated the book!"
Click on the picture for the large version
Fuzzy Flora
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Ashley Holton, 35, from Alabama, now in a Florida jail
Solo Sex Act On Busy Florida Highway
Ashley Holton, a 35-year-old Alabama woman was jailed Sunday
after she allegedly masturbated in front of passing motorists
on a busy Florida highway, then resisted arrest.
According to the Marion County Sheriff's Office, Holton was
wearing nothing more than a pink shirt when she decided to
pull her car over on Highway 484 near Interstate 75 and then
masturbate in front of passing motorists.
Holton's display of self-love attracted the attention of
herds of motorists - many of whom committed illegal U-Turns
to watch her. Holton continued to engage in the sex act for
a half hour before deputies arrived on scene.
Investigators say Holton kicked, bit and exposed herself to
deputies who were attempting to arrest her. She continued
to expose herself even after she was secured with handcuffs.
Holton was booked into the Marion County Jail and charged with
battery on a law enforcement officer, disorderly conduct and
exposure of sexual organs. Her bond has been set at $16,250.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Angel
Re: "Email Account Suspension" Mail
Dear Webby
I received all kinds of weird mail threatening to suspend
my email account if I did not open some attachment and do
this or that. The mails pretended to be from some team at
my domain. Well, as you know, my team is me and my dog,
and neither one of us sends silly emails to the other.
What is it all about and how do I stop it?
Angel
Dear Angel
It's some silly scammer.
Just make a filter in MailWasher that looks for
"Email Account Suspension" in the subject line,
and tell it to trash that mail automatically, without even
bothering to show it to you.
You won't see another one.
Don't worry about that filter accidentally dumping
legitimate mail. Nobody will announce suspending
anybody's email. If email has to be messed with, because
that address has not been checked in a long time, and
the mail box has over 50 MB of spam in it, then there is
no point adding a suspension notice to the end of that
UNchecked pile of mail. The box will simply be dumped
when it goes over the limit.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said,
"Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Set a Timer to Prevent an Overflowing Bathtub
I used to be the world's worst at forever overflowing my
bathtub! I'd get it started then wind up on the computer
or doing something else and next thing I knew I had water
all over the place!
I never over flow it anymore. I went to the dollar store and
bought 2 small timers that have the clips on the back. One
for each bathroom. Now as soon as I get the water running
I grab the timer, set it and start it, and clip it to the neck or as
high up as I can of my clothing. As soon as it goes off, I know
to go in and shut the water off. I haven't over flowed the tub
once since I got these 3 years ago!
By Cricketnc from Parkton, NC
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played
poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that
they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.
The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the
local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired
of the priest:
"Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward
heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said
aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the
minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and
said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:
"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . "With whom?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Lu for this one:
I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or
"Beef Pot Pie."
If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything,"
"I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food."
That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner,
I'm certain to have exactly what he wants."
[ view entry ]
( 309 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 2.9 / 704 )
How to get rid of Internet Explorer INBOX
Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 09:52 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, May 29
>From Nellie
Hi,
Tom and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary on Sunday, June 3.
It is also the 50th anniversary of the Orly plane crash in France that killed
so many people from Atlanta, GA.
Nellie
Congratulations, Nellie and Tom!
The late and cold spring did not stop or slow down the Rhubarb
at all. It is ready! First rhubarb is always the very best,
and I made a big pot full to go with a stack of hearty
rye pancakes. At the Bulk Barn rye flour is cheaper than
wheat flour, quite the opposite from regular grocery stores,
where they sell rye flour in small gourmet packages at
ridiculous prices.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
0526 Antioch struck by Earthquake; about 250,000 die
1415 Council of Konstanz
1453 Constantinople falls to Muhammad II (Turks); ends Byzantine Empire
1849 Lincoln says "You can fool some of the people all of the time,
& all of the people some of time, but you can't fool all of the people
all of the time"
1849 Patent for lifting vessels granted to Abraham Lincoln
1864 Mexican Emperor Maximilian arrives at Vera Cruz
1874 Present constitution of Switzerland takes effec
1911 1st Indianapolis 500 car race, Ray Harroun wins at 74.59 mph
1953 Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay became the first to
reach the summit of Mount Everest.
1977 A J Foyt wins Indianapolis 500 (average speed of 161.331 mph)
for a record 4th time
1989 Student protesters in Tiananmen Square China construct a
replica of the Statue of Liberty
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A man's respect for law and order exists in precise
relationship to the size of his paycheck.
--- Adam Clayton Powell Jr.,
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to
Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no
one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old
lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the
painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling
painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census
taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor
and wasn't home, because he was performing an
appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for
such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even
include the kickback from the dopey anaesthesiologist!"
Thanks to Dad for this picture
Click on the picture for the large version
This one bloomed today, from the Echinocereus family.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Jessica Strahl, 28, Indianapolis,, Indiana
Jailed After Attacking and Robbing Disabled Mother,
Jessica Strahl, a 28-year-old Indiana woman was jailed
Thursday after she allegedly attacked her disabled mother
when her mother refused to give her money.
According to Indianapolis Metro Police, Strahl became angry
last Friday when she asked her mother for money, but her
mother refused to give her any.
The victim, a double-amputee who relies on a cane to walk,
refused the request even when Strahl insisted that people
were "after her."
In retaliation, Strahl allegedly pushed her mother to the
ground and ripped two gold necklaces from her mother's
neck. Strahl then stole her mother's cane, rendering her
incapacitated.
The victim suffered injuries to her back and arm as a result
of the confrontation.
Strahl reportedly fled the home in a red pickup truck and
pawned the jewelry at a local pawn shop. She remained a
fugitive of justice for nearly a week before she was finally
tracked down and arrested.
Strahl was booked into jail on a preliminary charge of robbery.
Assault charges may be pending as the investigation continues.
Tech Support Pits:
From: John
Re: Internet Explorer INBOX
Dear Webby
All of a sudden it takes a lot longer to get on Internet
Explorer and when the screen does open there is a
full screen labeled INBOX and wants me to register
for the program.
How can I speed up my access to Internet Explorer
and get rid of the prompt for "INBOX" program?
John
Dear John
That sounds like an infection.
I would run a reputable anti-Malware program like McAfee and clean up as soon as possible.
If you also have that nuisance INBOX toolbar, dump it.
Most likely it came in with the same infection.
You can dump that from
START
ControlPanel
ADD/Remove Programs
(on W7 search in that disorganized mess for
"Programs and Features")
and in there look for INBOX, and dump it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a
baby came to an end. The adoption center called and
told them that they had a wonderful Russian
baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped
by the local college so they each could enroll in night
courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or
so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Doll House from Old Bookcase
To make a Barbie house, start with a small bookcase you might
have that you no longer use. Use carpet remnants for the floor,
or recycle an old rug. You can also use linoleum scraps to cover
the floor of your doll house, or use the contact paper with the
wood look. Use contact paper or glue on wallpaper scraps for
the walls.
You might choose to paint the bookcase before beginning the
craft the dollhouse, depending on what color the bookcase is.
Use small pictures cut from magazines to glue on the walls
for room decor. This dollhouse is good when you don't have
much floor space.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had
already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one
relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you
looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular?
Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as
soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother
doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a
girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got
together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's
just like your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just
like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were
required to take a CPR course.
The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was
only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice.
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll
and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the
mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,
"She said she can't feel her legs!"
[ view entry ]
( 161 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 296 )
Monday, May 28, 2012, 08:47 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, May 28
Memorial Day in the USA
Happy 55th Anniversary Lillemore and Gene!
How can you have a 55th anniversary,
if you are just 29 and a bit?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Today in
0585 -BC- Thales Miletus predicts solar eclispe
0585 -BC- Persian-Lydian battle ends
1349 60 Jews murdered in Breslau Silesia
1731 All Hebrew books in Papal State are confiscated
1818 1st steam-vessel to sail Great Lakes launched
1845 Fire in Québec City, Canada, 1,500 houses destroyed
1900 Solar eclipse occurs
1918 Tatars declare Azerbaijan, in Russian Caucasus, independent
1919 Armenia declares it's independence
1923 Attorney General says it is legal for women to wear trousers anywhere
1923 US unemployment has nearly ended
1928 Dodge Brothers Inc & Chrysler Corp merged
1940 Belgium surrenders to Germany, King Leopold III gives himself up
1940 British-French troops capture Narvik Norway
1961 Last trip (Paris to Bucharest) on Orient Express (after 78 years)
1963 Cyclone hits Chittagong, Bangladesh; estimated 22,000 die
& 1 million houses destroyed
1964 Palestine National Congress forms the PLO
(Palestine Liberation Organization) in Jerusalem
1979 European Market accepts Greece as member
2003 Pres. Bush signed a $350 billion tax cut into law; the
third largest tax cut in U.S. history.
Today is also the day of St Bernard, the patron saint of mountain climbers.
2012 smiled
Have FUN!
DearWebby
| If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
In an interview this week Paris Hilton said she never
discussed sex with her parents. She said she was too shy
to ask them about it. In fact, everything she knows about
sex she learned from watching her own videos.
--- Jay Leno
The two most common elements in the universe are
Hydrogen and stupidity.
--- Harlan Ellison
I find that a great part of the information I have
was acquired by looking up something and
finding something else on the way.
--- Franklin P. Adams
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his
change, and then goes back and says to the
cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the
cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave.
There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the
policy of this bank."
"That's quite ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd
like to know that you gave me an extra Hundred. Bye."
Groan Alert!
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the
travel bag she carried, except for one thing: she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she
would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod
and there would be a quick exchange of money and
something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated
calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure
they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you
ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom
boxes and other electronic gear?" He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and
our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can
find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was
almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she
saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than
he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife
fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery seller."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied.
"She sells C cells by the sea shore."
Click on the picture for the large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD to
Melissa Eaton, 48 in Lilbourn, MO
Jailed After Having Sex with 13-year-old boy
twice a week over two year period
Melissa Eaton, a 48-year-old Missouri woman was jailed after
she allegedly had sex with a 13-year-old boy (twice a week)
for nearly two years.
According to police, Eaton began a sexual relationship with a
13-year-old boy in April 2010 and continued having sex with
the boy - twice a week - until February 2012.
An investigation was launched after juvenile authorities
contacted police about the alleged relationship.
Eaton was booked into the New Madrid County Jail and
charged with multiple counts of statutory rape and sodomy.
Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosemarie
Re: What is a Hot Key?
Dear Webby
You told a young man a few days ago
to re-boot W7 (which I have..unfortunately)
once a week or when the hot keys mess up.
What exactly are Hot Keys???
I sound kinda naive, huh?? LOL.
Dankeschön.....Rosemarie
Dear Rosemarie
Hotkeys are keyboard key combinations, that accomplish the
same as mousing around and clicking on things.
For example CTRL E to fetch the mail, CTRL SHIFT M to open
MailWasher, ALT F A to save a file under a new name, and
so on.
When any of those stop working, you can still get things done
by mousing around, but it is time to reboot, because pretty
soon W7 is going to mess up seriously.
Whenever that happens, I save everything, reboot and go do
the dishes or mop a floor. When I come back, W7 has usually
finished rebooting.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the cost of the
Humor Letter, please donate what you can! |
|
An elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well
groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady,
(mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Remove Paint Transfer
My husband went ballistic when he saw a scrape on my car
bumper. My grandkids ride their bikes, etc. and he just knew
someone had "nicked" the paint on the bumper. I took a tiny
bit of a Mr. Clean sponge and gently scrubbed the "nick".
It was gone in no time and not a trace of anything remained.
Disaster averted. I even got rid of a few more that looked
like nicks!
By Halfwhit from Ashdown, AR
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and
his parents began to yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. " We know what
a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would
sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I
don't know her name-they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars "
"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a
child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John,
you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house
where the lady lived and found her out in the yard
calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call
from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with
his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
Read it on-line or subscribe.
If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen." Now type the letter "p" to bring up the
Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a "p".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT" "p" on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
[ view entry ]
( 197 views )
|
permalink |
print article |
( 3 / 544 )
<<First <Back | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 | 84 | Next> Last>>
» CloudScapes
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large versionOr else try Cheap Flights - Discount fares for over 500 airlines. Book Now!
Click on the picture for the large version
Click on the picture for the large version
Recognize
a spoof
Web
Tools
Babelfish
Translator
HungerSite
BreastCancer
Site
Calendar
