Dear Webby: Spoof Epidmic 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 31, 2007
======================================

BE the change you want to see in the world.
--- Mahatma Gandhi

=======================================

Thanks to Sandie for this one:

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he
will kill any man who does.

=======================================

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to
control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses
for his wife.  As the clerk was putting on the finishing
touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the
clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged,
"May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your
wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided.
"I crashed my wife's hard drive."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a lawyer in Peking, China Nitpicker July 27, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP A lawyer reportedly has sued McDonald's in China after he was given receipts that were printed mostly in English. The state-run newspaper Beijing Youth Daily said the lawyer claims the use of English instead of Chinese "violates the consumers' right to know." Youth Daily said the lawyer wants an apology and compensation of about 13 cents. It did not give details on any court case. A McDonald's official is quoted as saying its receipts were changed earlier this month, and that all its menus and ads are now in Chinese. http://www.wftv.com/foodnews/13769617/detail.html What's really funny is that there are more English speakers in China than in the US. ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Walter, the stone carver for this picture: =========================================== A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung is beyond me!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Paul Re: Typical tech support request Paul Prae wrote: Please stop this stuff, you people drive me crazy. I hate advertising. I really hate forced advertising and I think the greatest assholes on the planet are the ones who shove it down my throat. Any company that uses SPAM will never have my business. If I get an email that I did not want from a company I will never use that company no matter what the product. I will never have anything to do with your company and I will make sure no one else does if I continue to receive any more crap in my mail. I suggest you let your partners know as well. "mypostcards.com" wrote: Hi. School mate has sent you an ecard. See your card as often as you wish during the next 15 days. SEEING YOUR CARD If your email software creates links to Web pages, click on your card's direct www address below while you are connected to the Internet: http://75.179.62.230/?b848ca9a885b5e6291c3de8293ec696 Hi Paul You are barking up at the wrong tree. I know, jumping to confusions is fashionable with yahoos, but it's not doing you any good at all. What you got there is a spoof, a forgery. It had been sent to you by the W32/Zhelatin.gen!eml virus in the computer of one of YOUR friends, who has your address in his or her Outlook Express address book. Now, do you really expect me to hunt down all your friends and relatives and blow up their computers, just to make sure your gramma's and your girlfriend's computers won't send any more spoofs to you? Even though I can't do anything about your girlfriend's computer sending spoofs to you, I can tell you how to recognize them. You see that IP number? 75.179.62.230 That belongs to RoadRunner, an ISP. They got all numbers from 75.176.0.0 - 75.191.255.255 That shows you that the spoof had been sent from a home computer, and not from a corporate server. Now, if you look at the header of that mail, you will see "Outlook" or "Outlook Exprpess". Obviously no legitimate company will use amateur software like that for their mails. If you want to play detective, ask RoadRunner who was using 75.179.62.230 at the time that spoof was sent. If they play stupid, you can get the cops to force them to fork over the name and address of the sender. Pretending to be MyPostcards while trying to deliver a Russian virus is against the law, ya know. That number is where they wanted you to download the virus from. The ID of the sender is also shown in the header. If you can't figger out the header, post the email, with headers exposed, to http://spamcop.net. To reduce the number of frivolous complaints against phone and utility companies, you have to register before you can post. Once you paste the header there, they will analyze it and show you exactly where that spoof came from, and give you a single click option to complain to the ISP of the sender. Don't worry, they protect your address and vouch for the legitimacy of the complaint. So, you see, it's not Big Brother or a legitimate company harassing a poor, innocent yahoo, but some bimbo or bozo being too naive to run proper virus protection. By the way, Mypostcards does not send postcards. They just sell postcard software. AND, with real postcards the sender is properly identified, never a vague unidentified "friend", "classmate", "worshipper", etc. McAfee has a detailed description of that virus since July 4 at http://vil.nai.com/vil/content/v_142621.htm If you want to learn more about how to recognize spoofs, read the tutorial at http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html Now that you know more about spoofs than 99.99% of all yahoos, hopefully you will educate at least some of them! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 2007 - Phoenix, Arizona - Gimundo Mike Feeney counts on no one else to do his job, and he does it totally blind. "When you lose your sight, you have no choice," Mike Feeney says. Type 1 Diabetes didn't stop him from working the register at lunch at Desert Schools Credit Union. "If I put a $20 in (the change bag), I'll just keep my $20's folded long ways, if I put a five in, it's folded in a triangle," Feeney says. Mike has found innovative ways in order to live with his disability. "I've got a talking computer, I've got a talking calculator, my register is a voice synthesizer," Feeney says. By lunchtime, he's got everything ready to go, and he depends on employees like Will Robinson. "I am somewhat his sidekick 'righthand man,' sometimes left, we work good together," Robinson says, "half the people don't even know he's blind, they just think he has sunglasses, some people do wear sunglasses inside." Fortunately he hasn't lost what he loves the most. The gift of gab. "I love to talk, absolutely," Before Mike lost his sight, he used to design irrigation systems for golf courses. http://www.azcentral.com/12news/upfront ... 07-CR.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Carpet If you are having a small area carpeted, like a bedroom, ask the carpet retailer if they have any remnants available for a discounted price. They usually have remnants of brand new carpet leftover from bigger jobs.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that the sign was gone and someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she said she did not authorize your sign." ============================================= PAW PRINT SECURITY "Get that blasted dog off the cement." Oh boy, I knew Bambi, a Japanese Chin, and his owner, Nancy, a seven year old were in trouble. Her parents had made a sidewalk leading up to their house from the street. The cement had been poured. Nancy had been told to stop Bambi from leaving paw prints in the drying cement. "Nancy, what have you done?" I walked over to my neighbors yard. Bambi had pranced in the wet cement. Nancy had taken a stick and made each tiny paw print huge. It looked as if an oversized St. Bernard had taken a stroll down the walk. Those tracks were there to stay. Our street had been plagued with robberies. On an extremely hot night I sat outside on the lawn, hidden by the branches of a spruce tree. I heard footsteps and whispers. I realized it was two men intent on robbing my neighbors open garage. "Wait a second," I heard one of them say. " I'm not going up to that house." The other man sounded exasperated, "Why not, there's a lot of stuff we can get, easy pickings." "Ya, but man, look at the size of those dog tracks, they have a dog that would rip us to shreds." "Holy, crap, you're right! Move it, that dog could be loose in the garage." Bambi's enlarged paw prints had scared away the burglars. Sometimes people will glance uneasily at the humongous prints. I still smile when I think that a tiny Japanese Chin, plus an inventive little girl provided a new form of security. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ========================================
Thanks to Dani for today's Bonus Link: History in pictures
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: More Filters 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 30, 2007
======================================

It is the dull man who is always sure,
and the sure man who is always dull.
--- H. L. Mencken

No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
--- Mignon McLaughlin

=======================================

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was
discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old daughter was watching as she held
up a huge pair of slacks.  "Wow," the lady said, "I must
have worn these when I was a hundred and eighty."

Her daughter looked puzzled and asked,
"How old are you now?"

=======================================

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.  The nurse starts
with certain basic information and asks, "How much do you weigh?"

"One-seventy," the man replies.

The nurse asks him to step on the scale and it shows that his
weight is actually 183.  The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven," the man answered confidently.

The nurse measures and sees that he's only 5' 8".
Then she takes his blood pressure, and it is very high.

The man says, "Of course it's high!  When I came in here,
I was tall and slender.  Now, suddenly I'm short and dumpy!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the operator said.  "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,
"Well, most people just call me Turkey."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jozef Cene, 38, from Berlin, Germany VERY wet road July 20, 2007 - Wiltshire, UK - Ananova A German policeman left a Wiltshire pub and drove straight into a canal after mistaking it for a wet road. Jozef Cene, 38, drove out of the car park at midnight, stopped by the canal, indicated and plunged into the water. Locals at the Barge Inn in Honeystreet, Wiltshire, waded in to free Jozef from his submerged Fiat Punto, reports the Sun. His legs were trapped in the car door by the water pressure, but rescuers managed to haul him to safety from the chest-high canal. Berlin policeman Jozef was breathalysed but it proved negative. The rental car was later winched out. He said: "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out." Pipe welder Patrick Povey, 25, who jumped in to help Jozef, said: "I was having a drink and the next thing I knew this chap drove his car straight into the canal." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2424911.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!" ---------------- He should have used his cane and smacked the quack! My father overdid it a bit with his hiking last Sunday and tore the meniscus in his right knee. Medically it's not a big deal, but it is very painful. If you see a soccer player suddenly dance like a one-legged whirling dervish and then fall down clasping his knee, that's from a torn meniscus. The meniscus is like a rubber washer in the knee, cushioning the joint. A sudden twisting impact can tear a little piece of that washer partially loose and makes it press against some nerves. A sport doctor recognizes it instantly and can reach into the knee with a tiny little pipe and clip the torn piece like it was a hangnail on your thumb. The pain is gone instantly and the patient can walk as soon as the local anethetic wears off. That's what they did with my dad and he's hiking again. However, if it is not promptly fixed, the limping affects the spine and leads to all kinds of expensive complications. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marty Re: Filters Dear Webby I tried that filter, and I am impressed! Not a single false positive, and it caught even more spam than I had expected. Now, how do I make a filter to catch all the useless messages from mcAfee, both real and spoof? Thanks Marty Dear Marty For that I made this filter: If the Subject field contains "Suspect e-mail detected" OR the From field contains "McAfee VirusScan E-mail Scan" then hide the message from the messages list , and automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. For the "OR", toggle the ALL or ANY rules to ANY. According to the cute pie chart in the stats, this filter currently catches and dumps 14% of the incoming mail, unseen. That's the way I like it. The spoof McAfee messages with attached virus are just as useless as the real McAfee messages. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 25, 2007 - Sydney, Australia - AP A dog that vanished two months ago has been found 2,000 miles from home, media reported Wednesday. Rusty was to be flown home Thursday after being sent to a pound in Darwin, Australia's northernmost city, and identified this week by a microchip inserted under the skin. ''I can't believe I'll see my little fellow again,'' Shirley Lowry, who has made several appeals in local media for her pet's return, told Australian Associated Press. ''It just goes to show the value of having your dog micro-chipped,'' she added. How Rusty, an 8-year-old poodle-Maltese mix, reached tropical Darwin remains a mystery, although the condition of Rusty's paws suggests the dog did not walk. Rusty disappeared in May while Lowry was inside a shop in the east coast town of Woy Woy, located 25 miles north of Sydney. http://www.happynews.com/news/7252007/l ... s-home.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Carpet Save money on your carpet installation by removing and disposing of the old carpet yourself. If you are also painting, do your painting and dry wall work after removing the old carpet. It allows you to paint all the way down to the subflooring without fear of making a mess.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe." ============================================= OLD JOE'S GOOD DEED Old Joe set a good example. From the day he arrived at his home as a puppy, he developed a habit that eventually made him a small town hero. He loved long walks through the country side, into town, down by the river, over horse pastures, just about anywhere his four legs would take him. Joe would chase rabbits, dig for old bones, leap into the river plus he was known to chase a cat or two, just to keep in practice. On his way home, he would search, then pick up a tin can, or a bit of foil, perhaps a used paper cup, even the odd shoe or cast off mitten from last winter. He had a place in the yard where he placed his daily items. An old lady who lived down the street from Joe was tired of picking up garbage tossed into her yard by students going home from school. One day she banged on the door of the house where Joe lived. "Can I borrow your dog?" she wanted to know. After she explained, the answer was yes. The next day, in a grade one class, in she walked with Joe. She also had a huge bag, which she suddenly emptied onto the floor. The kids were appalled. It was garbage. "This," she said, "Is what this nice dog brings home every day. One piece at a time." "I don't think a dog should have to do this, do you?" Solemn little faces agreed. So it was, that Joe taught the little ones, who taught the parents, who showed the town, that if a dog could care for the environment, than so should they. Joe still goes for his long walks, he hardly ever brings anything home anymore. Somehow, I think he's okay with that! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== "If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for a dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered . The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic, do you, ?" sighed and replied, "You don't know my father." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pacific coast lighthouses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Mail with no subject 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 29, 2007
======================================

To find yourself, think for yourself.
-- Socrates

=======================================

JOB SEEKERS FROM THE PAST

Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back
stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James:
I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership,
extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate
understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of sescurity
measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette:
My management style has been criticzed, but I'd like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin:
I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet:
My position was eliminated in a hostsile takeover.

Lucrezia Borgia:
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the
department, our competition just seemed to drop out
of sight one by one.

Pandora:
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering
new things.

Genghis Khan:
My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I
downsized my staff, my organization, and the
populations of several countries.

Macbeth:
Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind
of guy who would knock of his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva:
What do you mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis:
My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

=======================================

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity
to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and
said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the
big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy
was holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives
in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the
wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room
above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the
boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every
night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his
mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm
usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes
anyway."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her
cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'
and add 'es'."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vitalie Varinca, 38, Hughnchesht, Moldovia Sleazy July 25, 2007 - Republic of Muldova - Ananova A Moldovan who claimed his wife had died and borrowed cash to pay for her funeral was exposed when pals went to see how he was coping - and she opened the door. Vitalie Varinca, 38, raised £3,000 in a whip round from workmates at the factory where he was a foreman in the town of Hughnchesht. He told them his beautiful young wife had been tragically killed in a car accident while pregnant. But he was arrested and charged with obtaining money by deception after worried friends dropped by to see how he was coping and his wife opened the door. A police spokesman said: "They were very surprised to see a supposedly dead woman walking around the house fit and healthy. But not nearly as the surprised as the husband when he saw them." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2432228.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Martin for passing on this trail report from his son Greg: More rock and patient water. Previous photos were all near Middle Two Medicine Lake. The next two or so are from this little trail (may also be called Sun Rift Gorge) which is easily accessible from the easterly part of Going-to-the Sun Road (the main road running east-west through the park). The water and rock make cuts and gurgles and falls in infinite variety along a modest stretch of easy trail. =========================================== A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $51 change. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frieda Re: Empty subject mails Dear Webby What's the story with mails that arrive without a subject line? Years ago you showed me how to make a filter to dump them with Mailwasher, and that works fine on my work machine, but I am wondering if I also need that on my home machine. So far I just dumped those mails manually. Frieda Dear Frieda "No Subject=No Intelligence" still holds true. You'll never see anything intelligent in an email that arrives without a subject, and you can use that filter as an IQ filter. If the senders don't have a positive IQ number, their mail won't waste your time. About the only exception I am aware of is the malfunction in one of the Hotmail servers. When a subscriber, who had been registered there, leaves hotmail, that server sends a bounce without a subject and without a FROM. I'm sure it's not deliberate, but just an old mistake, that they can't fix. The other hotmail server sends bounces with proper FROM and subject line. So, if you are not interested in bounce messages from hotmail, it's quite safe to trash any mail that does not have a subject. That gets rid of about 8% of the spam right off the top. For those who want to know how to make that IQ filter, select "does not contain RegExpr" and put \w into the value field. The \w is a wildcard and stands for "any word character". That filter is kinda sneaky. If the subject line has only Chinese, Korean or Arab characters, then that mail gets marked for dumping too, since I won't read it anyway. Don't you pity the poor folks who don't have Mailwasher yet? Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Gives a whole new meaning to getting hammered ;-) July 25, 2007 - Gloucester, Massachusetts - IBS A would-be crook chose the wrong convenience store clerk to rob in Gloucester, Mass., Tuesday. The entire showdown was caught on surveillance video that Gloucester authorities said was some of the best they've ever seen. Just as the clerk was opening the register, the robber came in, threw the lottery machine to the ground and lunged at the clerk. But the clerk was ready for him, armed with a hammer. As the clerk managed to get the robber into a head lock, a customer jumped in and also took a few swipes with the hammer. The clerk's co-worker said the clerk was just acting in self defense. Police said they arrested the robbery suspect, Ricky Marshall, 27, after a dog that he brought to the scene led police to his front door. Marshall is being held on $10,000 bail. http://www.wftv.com/news/13751159/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Tea You can save money on tea by using the same tea bag twice. Just set the tea bag aside and use it for your next cup. It cuts the cost of your tea drinking habit in half.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler ============================================= DOGGIE GOES A SWIMMING CATCH OF THE DAY Ted loaded up his two sons, plus Trixie their Shih Tzu to head out for a day of fishing. The fishing spot was a popular one, with more emphasis on having fun than actually catching a fish. The boys lost interest and left their dad and Trixie at the edge of the river. Trixie was a happy dog who's favourite game was chasing butterflies. She would try to creep up on one, snap at it, however she had yet to catch one. At the end of the day, no one had caught a fish.The men were packing up, calling the kids, swapping fish stories about the huge one that got away. Someone told Ted, "Look at that dog of yours." Trixie was standing on the edge of a rock, on the river bank. A butterfly was almost within her reach. She opened her mouth, and lunged. Right into the river. Before Ted could move, her head bobbed up to the surface. She scrambled up the bank, but she looked odd. Her face was out of shape. Ted realized that Trixie had a small fish in her mouth. She was a bit puzzled, but intended to keep her prize. People gathered around, petting her, also trying to get the fish out of her mouth. No way. She backed warily away, until a butterfly floated past. The fish forgotten, she let it drop where it slid right down the bank into the water. Ted had to grin, it was only a tiny fish, but at least it was member of his family that had the catch of the day. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== George, a rather arrogant acquaintance, and were seated side by side on a train. An announcement was made that all electrical power would be out for a few minutes due to a blown circuit. Seated across from George and were two very attractive ladies. Just then the train entered a dark tunnel. A loud smack was heard. As the train left the tunnel, a large red hand print could be seen on George's face. Nothing was said by anyone. The train entered another dark tunnel and another loud smack was heard. As the train left the tunnel, another large red hand print could be seen on the other side of George's face. Again, nothing at all was said. George was thinking.... must have done something to those ladies and they thought it was me because of my reputation. But was thinking....I wish we would go through another tunnel so I could slap that idiot again!!! ------------------------- If you put nothing, or a full name like Ms Ernestine F Trailer-Hooker III into the FIRST NAME slot of the sign-up, that joke will fall flat. It's nearly as bad if you got a gift subscription from a neighbor, who typed your first name or nickname in all small or all large letters because she had a bottle of Southern Comfort in one hand and a donut in the other. If that is the case with your first name or nickname, hit REPLY and tell me, and I will instantly correct it. DearWebby ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Indoor Plants
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: McAfee fails on spoofs 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 28, 2007
======================================

The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness,
only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.
--- Benjamin Franklin

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency
they're going to catch you in next.
--- Franklin P. Jones

=======================================

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.  The first
boasted that his dad owned a farm.  The second said his dad
owned a factory.  The third boy, a pastors son, replied:
"That's nothin'.  My dad owns hell."

"No way," another boy scoffed.  "How can a man own hell?"


"Sure he can," the preacher's son said.  "My mom told my
grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last
night."

=======================================

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over
again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A teacher was giving a lesson on the blood circulation.

"If I stood on my head, then the blood, as you know, would
flow into my head and I would turn red in the face," she
explained.

"That's right," remarked one of the students.

"Then why doesn't the blood flow into my feet when I'm
standing upright in an ordinary position?"

 shouted, "That's because your feet are not empty!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to A woman in Sittingbourne, Kent, UK That's a one way trap, Ma'am! July 26, 2007 - Sittingbourne, Kent, UK - Ananova A woman had to be rescued by firefighters after she fell headfirst into a recycling bin. The woman had apparently dropped off some clothes and then changed her mind and tried to get them back. But the slightly built woman got trapped in the slot and fire crews needed hydraulic cutting equipment to get her out., reports the Daily Record. The alarm was raised by another recycler who spotted a pair of feet sticking out of the bin of unwanted clothes. The 35-year-old was going in and out of consciousness during her ordeal in the car park of an Asda store in Sittingbourne, Kent. Fireman Mark Innes said: "We were originally told it was a child stuck in the bin but when we got there, we discovered it was a fully grown woman. "Apparently she had put something in the bin that she hadn't meant to and when she went to retrieve it, she fell in. "It was a very strange job." Mark added: "Asda was closed at the time, so she was only saved thanks to someone else turning up." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2433990.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maria Q Re: McAfee spoofs Dear Webby Why is McAfee telling me to complain to Hallmark, Mypostcards, American Greetings, etc about stuff that a week old turd can recognize as an obvious spoof? And why quarantine and save that crap, just to use up disk space that I can't afford to waste? If something is a klutzy forgery now, it's always going to be useless, no matter how long it is quarantined! You mentioned one time a way to dump that useless quarantine. Can you please tell me again? Thanks Maria Q And thanks for letting me vent! Dear Maria As you so eloquently and graphically described, McAfee can't handle spoofs. Some of their stuff is good, but when it comes to email, they are totally clueless. They don't even realize that they are not compatible with Outlook and Outlook Express. While I personally don't like those two email programs, I can't deny the fact, that there are a few Million people out there, who do use Outlook or Outlook Express. Just keep their Firewall and Viruscan, but don't waste your money on the other stuff. To delete the quarantine, delete all files at C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\McAfee\VirusScan\Quarantine or grab the maq.bat from my toolbox at http://webby.com/t You can save it to your computer and make a shortcut icon for it, or you can run it straight off the web. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 26, 2007 - Providence, Rhode Island - Ananova A cat has amazed medics - by predicting when nursing home patients are about to die. Oscar curls up next to elderly residents in the last few hours of their lives, reports The Sun. His accuracy - seen in 25 cases in the past year - has led staff to call family once he chooses someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live. University professor Dr David Dosa said: "He doesn't make too many mistakes. Many families take solace from it. They appreciate the companionship the cat provides for their loved one." The phenomenon is described in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. Oscar, two, was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island, US. After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds - just like the doctors. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside those who would die within hours. Staff say most of the people who get a visit are so ill they don't know he's there. Oscar has received a plaque commending his "compassionate hospice care". http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2433867.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Dirty Burner Rings Remove the rings from the stove. Place a paper towel that has been dampened with ammonia on top of each ring and put them in a plastic bag. Tie closed and let it sit outside overnight. The next day, open the bag outside, then wash the rings with a mild dish soap.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times really quickly. ---------- Are you going to groan first, or forward it first? ============================================= DOGGIE GOES A SWIMMING I once had a good friend. A city raised lady. We just seemed to get along very well. Take notice, I said, "I once had a good friend." Her house was immaculate. Her husband surprised her with a vacation to Hawaii. I offered to house-sit for her. Several homes had been vandalized, she was grateful that I would be there. We should have had more sense! We were unpacking, when I heard a cat in the kitchen. One of my cats had jumped into my car, and was now swinging gaily from her plants, leaping like a monkey from one to the other. Down they came, dirt everywhere. My youngest son managed to sneak his pet baby pig into the house. It was racing around squealing. I owned a huge dog who had never progressed out of puppy. At 180 pounds it wasn't funny. The shrieking pig went flying into the master bedroom the dog blundering right behind him. My dog leaped onto the bed, with a whoosh of water, he sank! My friend had put a patch on her waterbed, leaving the sheets off for the patch to dry. I never dreamed those beds had most of a lake in them. My dog hurtled out, into the kitchen where he and the cat got into a wrangle in the plant dirt. Who walks in? My friend." We missed our flight..". Those were the last sensible words I heard. The pig ran between her feet, my kitty was chewing on a plant, my wet , dirt caked dog, wrapped his front legs around her waist, while water came pouring down the stairway. I offered to help clean up, but my friend, simply stood in the doorway, her eyes closed, waiting for us to leave. They moved. I missed her. But what I really wanted to know, was just how much water was in that water bed! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. Saint Peter finally showed up and they asked him. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for two months ... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" Peter shouted, "it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find two lawyers and a judge?" ========================================
Thanks to Arturas for today's Bonus Link: Funny moments in sports
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Spoof postcard notices 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 27, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
======================================

Better to do something imperfectly
than to do nothing flawlessly.
--- Dr. Robert Schuller

The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
--- Henry Kissinger

=======================================

While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane
for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport,
I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies
in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a
very bumpy flight.

Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway,
toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I
implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening.
She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the
chickens off the landing."

=======================================

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to
the altar wearing a beautiful dress.  As the children were
sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leaned over and
said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Sunday
dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes .  .  and my mom says it's a sum-bitch to iron."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she
spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, Gary City, Indiana Do as I say, not as I do July 25, 2007 - Gary, Indiana - AP An anger management instructor was charged with domestic battery after his wife accused him of grabbing and beating her during an argument, police said. The Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, has taught anger management classes for defendants in Gary City Court for several years, but his contract was voided while the misdemeanor charge against him is pending, said City Court Judge Deidre Monroe. "It's our policy that anyone working in the court system can't have criminal charges," Monroe said Monday. Nichols was arrested early Thursday after the couple's young daughter called police to report the fight, police said. Monroe said Nichols' case will be handled in Crown Point because of his association with the City Court. Monroe appointed a special judge to arraign Nichols in court Friday. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 04826.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== not now, Stripper! =========================================== Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair that is safe to use." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsie Re: Postcard spoofs Dear Webby What's with all these weird spoof postcard notices from Mypostcards and Hallmark and Bluemountain? They are so klutzy that nobody, who is popular enough to have received even just one normal postcard, won't fall for the spoofs, but they are getting to be a nuisance! What can be done about those spoofs? Elsie Dear Elsie One of your flakey friends has a computer that is infected with the W32/Zhelatin.gen!eml virus. It sends those postcard spoofs to everybody in your friend's Outlook Express address book, including you. It also opens a back door, so that the spammers can go into that computer and send spam from it. Chances are good that, if you can get your tattooed granddaughter to run a virus scan, the frequency of them will drop drastically. In the meantime make a filter in your MailWasher that looks for "You've received" in the subject line. Neither your telephone company, nor the utility company or real postcards use that phrase. But it is popular with a lot of spam and spoofs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - Washington - AP A now-famous pair of pants was the star attraction at a fundraiser Tuesday meant to help pay the bills of a dry- cleaner couple caught in a legal stitch. The $54 million pants, as they've come to be known, were the subject of a widely mocked lawsuit that garnered international attention. Now, they have their own security guard. Groups advocating stricter guidelines for filing lawsuits and supporters of Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, came from across the country to attend the cocktail fundraiser. On display were what the Chungs say are the pants that Roy Pearson brought in, were misplaced, and were later found. The guests had appetizers and cocktails, and under the stern gaze of the security guard, some posed for photos with the pants. The Chungs successfully defended themselves from the $54 million suit, which originally demanded $67 million, but they now owe about $100,000 in legal costs. The American Tort Reform Association and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Institute for Legal Reform put on the fundraiser in hopes of defraying the Chungs' costs. The fundraiser netted more than $64,000, with more pledges still coming in, organizers said. "Without your support, the Chungs could very well have gone bankrupt," defense attorney Chris Manning told the crowd of about 150. The Chungs also made a rare appearance to thank their guests. The organizers said they also wanted to raise visibility for their mission to change tort law in the face of lawsuits that unfairly target small businesses. "Our motto is the spirit of free enterprise," said Lisa Rickard, president of the Institute for Legal Reform. "The Chungs epitomize that in our perspective. They've really been living the American dream, and that all came to a halt with the filing of this lawsuit." "It's our hope to help them do a course correction and get back on track," Rickard said. Manning said that if the court grants the Chungs' motion for Pearson to pay their legal fees, proceeds from the fundraiser that exceed the family's costs would be donated to charity. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... 9PKG0.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Makeshift Knife Sharpener In a pinch, you can sharpen a knife on the bottom of a ceramic coffee mug. Hold the blade at a slight angle and sharpen it on the unglazed ring on the bottom of the mug. It's not ideal, but it will work. Some safety rules: Hold the knife steady, move the sharpener. Face the edge and the point of the knife away from you. Lay the blade onto the front top edge of a drawer, so that it does not flex during sharpening. If you have non-slip mesh in your cutlery drawer, drape that over the drawer front to help holding the blade steady. Unless you have a sharpening steel and are an old chef, use slow and steady strokes of your stone or cup. Speed is irrelevant. What counts is maintaining the same angle on each stroke. Only sharpen the side of the blade that is hollow ground. Never touch the other side, except to remove the sharpening "beard" by wiping the knife back and forth over some paper. Regular paper is abrasive enough to trim the beard. "Diamond-Grit" style nail files also work great for sharpening knifes and scissors. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now with the speedometer showing about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. He throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now doing about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out in sheer terror, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man gently replies, "Do you guys want some help getting out of the mud???" ============================================= FUR COVERED BATTERIES There are days, when I wonder if I will make it through the next 24 hours. I take in strays, usually dogs. They make a visit to the vet, get a bath, fed, hugs, but at times their coats are so tangled they'll be shaved. I agreed to baby-sit two ferrets for a day. I know they are tiny batteries in fur that hardly ever run out of power. Within an hour they had taken over the house. They chased my Maltese, Jasper, out of his bed. His treats were stolen along with his sock with a knot in the centre, that to him was like a security blanket. When he is left at home, he'll get his knotted sock for comfort. Within hours, I lost the ferrets. I knew they were in the house, but where? My friend was due to pick them up. I was absolutely frantic. I have one stray dog at the moment, who had to be shaved. His coat couldn't be saved. Because my home is air conditioned, he wears a long, loose sweater that covers him from his ears to his bottom. I was in tears over the "loss" of my friends ferrets, when I noticed an odd look to the sweater the dog had on. It had developed a pot belly. If the dog lay down, that lump moved! The ferrets had picked a perfect place to hide. I pulled them out gently, laughing when one of them had a firm grip on Jaspers beloved sock! I offered Jasper back his sock. Showing his huge displeasure over it's new smell, he piddled on it. I took the hint. tossed it, gave him a new one. I promised him, I would never, baby-sit ferrets again. Well, at least not right away! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Rubye for this story: Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well,"said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?" Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cayenne Clinic
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Hidden phishing URLs in Outlook Express 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 26, 2007
======================================

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole
cause of all our adversities.
--- Sophocles

Nothing says, 'I have no idea what to get you,' quite like
giant beige bath towels.
--- Missbhavens

"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it
is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces."
--- Maureen Murphy

=======================================

Mullany arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Mullany. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"

=======================================

DIET: It's something most of us do religiously:
We eat what we want and
we pray That we won't gain weight.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

 Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
 -----------------------------------
 Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
 Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

 Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
 Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

 Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way
 you wrote it.
 Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search
 committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

 Good News:  You finally found a choir director who approaches
 things exactly the same way you do.
 Bad News: The choir mutinied.

 Good News: Mrs.  Jones is wild about your sermons.
 Bad News: Mrs.  Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show,"
 "Beavis and  Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

 Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
 Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

 Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
 Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your
 parsonage.

 Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
 weeks.
 Bad News: You were on vacation.

 Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
 Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

 Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
 Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your
 denomination.

 Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a
 surprise visit.
 Bad News:  It's in the middle of the night and they are armed
 with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a mother and daughter in Sarnia, Ontario Family Bust July 20, 2007 - Sarnia, Ontario - London Free Press It's not the kind of mother-daughter memory they'll soon forget. A woman in her 40s and her daughter, in her 20s, face pot possession charges after a Sarnia police officer found a car filled with smoke along Harbour Road. The OPP Marine officer, who was just leaving his boat, said the women told him they were waiting for Sarnia Bayfest festivities in Centennial Park. Police seized 14 joints and issued and the two were charged with possession of marijuana. They were released from custody and are to appear in Sarnia court Sept. 10. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2007 ... 2-sun.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== This is a true story that happened to one of my sister's goofy friends. It happened on I-75 in the northern lower peninsula of Michigan ( notorious for frequent tickets for speeding ). The friend was speeding north on I-75 when she noticed a Michigan State Police car behind her with it's flashing red lights on. The friend was very nervous, as she had never been stopped before and didn't know what to expect. The trooper approached her car then asked if she knew why he had stopped her. She said, " Oh, I bet I know why you stopped me. You want to sell me tickets to the policeman's ball." The trooper then told the friend that "Michigan State Police don't have balls." The friend started laughing uncontrollably. The troopers face turned bright red. He then proceeded to get back into his car and drove away. No ticket!! =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tina Re: Hidden phishing URLs in Outlook Dear Webby I know you warned us about Outlook not showing dangerous URLs and only the phony nicknames in spoofs and phishing emails, but the boneheads at Telus are not competent enough to support anything except Outlook and Outlook Express. At one time, all they supported was Eudora, but those days are as gone as cheap gas and my sexy looks. Is there ANY way at all to trick Outlook into showing whether for example the nickname "eBay.com" links to eBay or to some crook in Russia or Romania? Thanks Tina Dear Tina I got a lot of mails like yours, and I spent a lot of time searching. However, it seems that, when those programs were written, making them "cute and bimbo-proof" was the top and only priority. Nobody knows of a setting to make them act like standard email programs. However, I found a third party patch that will fix that problem. It is called Phish Finder and is available at http://bluefur.com/phishphinder/ Currently it is still free, but don't count on that to last! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 23, 2007 - Masonville, Colorado - AP Zoey is a Chihuahua, but when a rattlesnake lunged at her owners' 1-year-old grandson, she was a real bulldog. Booker West was splashing his hands in a birdbath in his grandparents' northern Colorado back yard when the snake slithered up to the toddler, rattled and struck. Five-pound Zoey jumped in the way and took the bites. ''She got in between Booker and the snake, and that's when I heard her yipe,'' Monty Long, the boy's grandfather, said Thursday. The dog required treatment and for a time it appeared she might not survive the bites she suffered earlier this month. Now she prances about. ''These little bitty dogs, they just don't really get credit,'' Booker's grandma Denise Long told the Loveland Daily Reporter-Herald. http://www.happynews.com/news/7232007/t ... esnake.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Odors From Cooking If you like to fry foods but don't like the odors left behind, place a dish of white vinegar next to the stove where you will be frying. It will help absorb the odors. If you have odors from burnt food, boil some water in a sauce pan with a couple of slices of lemon.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'" "Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?" "In Alaska. I'm just visiting here." ============================================= HANGING OUT WITH JIM The new house was taking shape nicely. Jim put the ladder against one wall, went up onto the roof, to begin nailing down cedar shakes. He was a bit concerned about the weather, storm clouds were gathering. Suddenly he felt a wet cold nose in his ear. He sighed. "That was the dumbest thing I ever did, Bingo, was to teach you to climb a ladder." He ruffled the dogs head, and went about his work knowing the dog was more confident on the roof than he was. Bingo was a German Shepherd who doted on Jim. He wanted nothing more in life than to be where his owner was. It that meant being on the roof, so be it. It started to rain. Jim grabbed his tools, went to the edge of the roof, and gasped. "Bingo, you nut, you shoved the ladder away from the roof." He sat in the pouring rain, while Bingo hunkered down beside him. It would be hours before Jim's wife would be home from work. At last, her car pulled in. Jim was hugging Bingo, for warmth, his teeth were chattering. He waited for his wife to put the ladder back up, then came a bit unglued when she started to laugh. "What's so darn funny?" he demanded. "I'm freezing." "Honey," she replied, "Use the other ladder propped up on the other side of the house." Jim looked at Bingo, "Why didn't you tell me that.?" If only dogs could talk. Bingo was just doing what he always did, hanging out with Jim. If his owner insisted on sitting in the freezing rain, well, he had learned, that humans sometimes just weren't very bright. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: OLE 'N LENA HAVE A BABY Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!" Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?" Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Power Catamaran Racing
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Dubious eBay mails 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 25, 2007
======================================

Focus on the journey, not the destination.
Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.
--- Greg Anderson

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.
Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
--- Cullen Hightower

=======================================

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence.  However, the next morning the
kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty
feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was
again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty
feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "Probably a hundred feet, unless
somebody starts locking the gate at night."

=======================================

A man was talking to his neighbor and complained,
"Ever since my wife started working at her new job, she
has really let the housework go.  In fact, our home has
turned into a wherehouse."

His neighbor inquired, "What do you mean, a warehouse?"

The man said, "I mean, where's this, where's that?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument
are the neighbors.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a woman in Wuppertal, germany Too much imagination July 20, 2007 - Wuppertal, Germany - Ananova Armed police surrounded a car in Germany after reports of a masked criminal - but instead found a large stuffed toy. The woman who made the call to police was returning to her car in an indoor car park late at night in the city of Wuppertal. She saw the suspected criminal through the window of a parked van, reports Sky News. Though she later admitted to only catching a glimpse in the darkness, she was sufficiently alarmed to alert the authorities. Armed officers arrived in three cars and surrounded the van. What they found was a large toy beaver, strapped into the passenger seat. A police spokesman said he struggled to see how the toy, which has two oversized front teeth, could have been mistaken for a person. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2424890.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Pumpelly Pillar and Middle Two Medicine Lake, Glacier National Park (Montana) Greg =========================================== "No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elaine Re: Mail from eBay Dear Webby I don't have an account with eBay, but lately I got all kinds of mail from them about having to pay for stuff that I supposedly won in an auction or having to confirm my account. Is somebody using my email address and wrecking my credit rating? Elaine Dear Elaine Nah, those are just spoofs, just like the phony postcard pick-up notices from vague, unidentified class mates, family members, worshippers, etc. You can paste those spoofs to Spamcop at http://spamcop.net and find out where they really came from. You can also forward them to spoof@ebay.com, and they will report them to Spamcop. Don't click on anything in those spoofs. With real mail from ebay there is nothing to click on. They just tell you to close all browser windows, open a fresh one and TYPE in the URL of their site. It would be a smart idea to get a free trial of MailWasher. MailWasher shows you what the URLs actually link to. If the Visible part says "eBay-login.html" and Mailwasher puts beside that in gray: "(links to http://71.232.210.250/?790c08a823e96272575cbc689)" then you KNOW it's phony. Even if you don't keep MailWasher beyond the free trial, the education you get from being able to peek at naked mail headers, without even downloading more than the header, is extremely valuable. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - New York - AP Iraq war veteran Sgt. Juan Arredondo can grasp tennis balls and door knobs with his left hand again, now that he's been outfitted with a bionic hand that has flexible fingers. The 27-year-old former soldier, who lost his left hand in 2005 during a patrol, is one of the first recipients of the i-LIMB. ''To have this movement, it's — it's amazing,'' Arredondo said Monday as he showed off the limb made by Scotland based Touch Bionics. ''It just gets me more excited about now, about the future.'' The prosthetic hand is made of semi-translucent plastics. Five individual motors power the fingers, allowing the person to grasp round objects. The hand's gestures are made possible through electrode plates that detect electrical signals generated in the remaining muscles in the amputated limb. Arredondo, of San Antonio, likened the limb to the bionics in ''Star Wars'' and ''Terminator.'' ''My son, he goes nuts about it,'' he said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7242007/i ... c-hand.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Long Distance Buy bulk minutes and cancel your long distance. You can find low per minutes rates with no monthly charges online. There usually is a number you have to call to initiate a call but you can program that into your phone. hey! This is the Internet Age! Everyone reading this, has access to a computer. Download Skype, and call all other Skype users free! You can call landline and cell phone numbers for a penny a minute anywhere in the world. Just get a $10 head set and talk hands free. Unless you do your long distance calling from the outhouse, download Skype! It's free! And if you DO make your long distance calls from the outhouse, get the other side to call you with Skype on their computer. Calling land lines or cell phones is a penny a minute or 60 cents per HOUR! There is no contract. If you call land lines or cells, you simply buy $10 worth (1000 minutes) via PayPal or credit card, and use up your 1000 minutes at whatever pace you choose. We have used Skype for tech support for many years and are quite happy with it. Voice clarity is much better than any regular phone. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Good Lord, why on earth did I invite all these ungrateful bums to dinner?" ============================================= ONE MORE TIME FOR PEGGY Peggy was starting to show her age. Her dark brown eyes had a clouded look. Her fur wasn't a thick as it used to be. She walked so slowly, favouring one hip, plus her hearing wasn't as sharp as in by gone days. She was 15 now. Old for a dog. Her family had adopted her from a dog pound, when she was a wild little pup. Just a mixed breed dog, that her family loved dearly. Every year, without fail Peggy would start to perk up. It was around the time the town put on their summer parade. Peggy had always pulled a small wagon with children in it. Every year it became harder for her to walk, let alone pull a wagon. The family decided it was time to quit. The day of the parade arrived. Peggy took her place in front of the old wagon, tail wagging, eager for her brood of kids to pull. Her owners, with tears in their eyes, told her no, not this year. Dogs are capable of great emotion. Peggy was puzzled and obviously devastated. Until the twin boys, aged 6 said, "I know, put Peggy in the wagon and we'll pull her." Peggy sat on a cushion, they took their place in the parade and started out. It was a small town, everyone knew the sweet old dog. They clapped, calling out her name. The twin boys giggled and pulled the wagon with the precious cargo aboard. Peggy sat up straight, her ears up, looking happily at the crowd. When the ribbons were given out for best in the parade, Peggy was awarded a hastily put together, necklace of doggy cookies. She barked, offered her paw to be shaken by the judges. She may have been the oldest in the parade, but she was definitely the Queen for the day. It was a day to rejoice, Peggy made it to the parade, one more time. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Water Melons
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: Disappearing mails 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 24, 2007
======================================

It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't.
--- Martin Van Buren

=======================================

 is approached by the lifeguard at the public
swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said .

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

=======================================

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break.
 Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Two Canadians are driving in Texas. A Texas Ranger
notices out of the country plates and turns on the
lights and pulls them over.

Officer walks over to the car, the driver rolls down
his window and the officer takes his billy club and
whacks the driver on the back of the head.

The Canadian driver asks what that was for. The officer
says, "This is Texas, boy, when you see these flashing
lights to pull you over, you gets your insurance,
license and registration ready, don't make me wait!"

The officer checks them out and returns the documents.
Then the officer walks over to the other side of the
car and taps his wand on the glass, the passenger rolls
down his window and the officer whacks him in the head.

"What was that for", the Canadian Passenger asks.

"Boy", I just made your wishes come true,"says the
officer.

"What does that mean" asks the passenger. "Well, you
boys are going to get five miles down the road and
you're going to say, "Boy, I wish that dumb cop had
tried that with me!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Zi, a reporter in Peking, China Algorian Reporting in China July 20, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP Chinese police have arrested a journalist accused of faking an investigative report on buns stuffed with shredded cardboard that made headlines around the world. Beijing Television apologized during an evening news broadcast, saying the bun report was a hoax and the reporter had been taken into custody, but did not say when. A copy of the Wednesday broadcast was obtained by The Associated Press on Thursday. “He used deceptive means to get the footage on the air,” said news anchor Wang Ye, without giving specifics. “The Beijing Public Security Bureau has taken the criminal suspect, Zi, into custody and he will be severely dealt with according to law.” Zi’s footage appeared to show a makeshift kitchen where vendors made fluffy buns stuffed with chopped-up cardboard that had been softened in caustic soda and mixed with pork fat and flavoring. The story, allegedly shot with a hidden camera, was first broadcast on Beijing Television’s Life Channel on July 8 and then again three days later on China Central Television. Police said Zi had told editors he wanted to investigate the quality of pork buns, and spent two weeks visiting stands but could not find anything to report, Xinhua said. He filmed the fake report after coming under pressure to produce a story, the agency said. Beijing Television said Zi brought meat, flour, cardboard and other ingredients to a downtown Beijing neighborhood in mid-June, and had four migrant workers make the buns for him while he filmed the process. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/MediaNews/2 ... 29-ap.html Rumors that Al Gore nominated him for a Pulitzer Prize have not been confirmed yet at press time. ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== This is what comes and drinks my water and eats birdseed.... Many nights... SOME NIGHTS THE JAVALINA do the same Joan in Prescott, AZ. =========================================== A tenderfoot scout is on his first camping trip. As soon as he has pitched his tent, he goes for a hike in the woods. In about 15 minutes, however, he rushes back into camp, bruised, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asks his patrol leader. "I was chased by a black snake," the frightened boy cries. The older boy smiles. "A black snake isn't deadly," he says "Hey," the tenderfoot groans. "If it can make you jump off a 150-foot cliff, it is." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Juniper Re: Disappearing files Dear Webby Lately I noticed that MailWasher will spool down a hundred or so mails, but then just show a listing of 15 - 20. What's the scoop? Should I be concerned? Juniper Dear Juniper That's just a sign that you are getting good with making filters. For example, if you made a filter that deletes mails automatically, if they contain the names of certain pharmaceuticals or watches or stock in the body of the mail, then MailWasher will count them, but it won't insult your eyes with that crap. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 22, 2007 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - AP The mayor and two of his bodyguards happened upon a house fire and ended up rescuing a cat, helping a victim and warning neighbors, officials and witnesses said. Neighbor Dorothy Young said she saw the smoke Friday morning and went outside to find two children who lived in the house crying at the bottom of her steps. ''We were all in shock, just yelling and crying,'' Young said. ''I couldn't believe what was happening. It was like a movie.'' Mayor John Street and two of his bodyguards, who had been walking to City Hall when they saw the burning home, rushed over to help, Young said. The bodyguards carried a boy who suffered minor burns into Young's home and went into the burning house to rescue a cat. Street, clad in sneakers, sweats and a ballcap, began banging on doors and urging people to leave their homes, said city Commerce Director Stephanie Naidoff. He told her the story before leaving town for the weekend, she said. Children playing with matches started the fire, and it was brought under control in a few minutes, said Fire Commissioner Lloyd Ayers. A 9-year-old was treated for minor burns, and three other people who lived in the house escaped without major injuries. http://www.happynews.com/news/7222007/p ... oy-cat.htm Pretty sad when a mayor needs two bodyguards!
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Muddy Footprints When you get muddy footprints in my house or car, sprinkle them with baking soda and let them dry. Once dry, vacuum up the dirt and then clean any leftover stain with Resolve or a similar carpet spot cleaner. If you try to clean the mud when it is wet, it will just spread it around. If you are in a hurry, use Zorb-All or any similar industrial absorbent material. You get it at automotive parts stores and many industrial and construction supply places. It is sort of like an industrial kitty litter. A bag that will fill 3 five gallon pails is usually around $12 - $15. It will absorb any liquid and even pull motor oil out of carpet or concrete. Just sprinkle it on, spread it a bit and let it sit for 15 -20 minutes, less if it is just puddle mud, then sweep or vacuum. Don't get stuck on the name "Zorb-All". That's like "Crescent Wrench". The people at the automotive parts store will know what you mean, but the name on the bag will depend on where you live and the brand they stock. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A man goes to a clinic early on a Monday morning and asks to see a doctor. He appears to be in great pain, and his hands are in bandages. The nurse looks at him sympathetically. "Arthritis, with complications?" she asks. "No," says the man. "Do-it-yourself, with concrete blocks." ============================================= JUNGLE'S PROPERTY The dog bared his fangs, growling deep in his throat. He lowered his head, the hair on his back rising in a ridge. He was defending his territory. Only a fool would think of trying to get into the tent behind him. Angus, a brute of a man, stepped back softly, "I ain't got nothing against you lad, I just want to talk to my buddy in the tent." The dog's fangs dripping salvia. He hadn't relaxed his tense body. He was not backing down. Out of the tent came a mild mannered man. He snapped at the dog, "Back off Jungle, get in the tent". The dog turned, giving the intruder a warning look before obeying the order. "Man, that is some wicked dog," Angus said. He kept his eyes on the tent. He held his breath when he saw the dog come back, he was dragging something in his mouth. Right behind the dog walked a little girl. "Well, " exclaimed Angus. "No wonder Jungle was acting so tough. He had this little sweetheart to protect." The owner of the dog turned a deep red when the child said, "Doggie was just taking care of his stuff." He's had it since he was a puppy, and daddy can't get it away from him." She giggled, "But doggie will let "me" have it. Daddy says my dog is a big teddy bear, unless you try to take his blankie!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional staff members and moves to the town. While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort, the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the waitress, and at one point in the conversation he asks her if she has any idea why the birth rate is so high. "Sure," she says. "Every morning the 6:00 train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aggtelek Park, Hungaria
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: McAfee malfunction 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 23, 2007
======================================

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
--- Rudyard Kipling

Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
--- T. S. Eliot

=======================================

Re the voting:
Thanks to all who wrote me!
I emailed the Ezinefinder about it in the morning, but have
not heard back from them. They are totally independent and
not hosted by us. Hopefully they will have their problem
fixed soon.

=======================================

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing  It's the only type of
cooking some men will do:

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion.

    (1) The woman goes to the store.
    (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
        tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and
        takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill,
        drinking beer.
    (4) The man places the meat on the grill.
    (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
        vegetables.
    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
        burning.
    (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
        woman.
    (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
        table.
    (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
        dishes.
    (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.

=======================================

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk
that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee
to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes five.
"I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested,
"I guess the ponies must be getting old."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The young woman looked up from her hospital bed
at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly,
"They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer."

The doctor smiled, "Maybe so.. But the jury threw
the case out of court due to lack of evidence"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an armed robber in Fort Smith, Arkansas Library Robber July 19, 2007 - Fort Smith, Arkansas - AP A Fort Smith library branch was robbed of its fine money Thursday by a woman who implied she had a weapon, police said. "We're kind of dumbfounded," Fort Smith police Officer Vincent Clamser said. The robber, a tall, light-skinned woman who covered her face and head with bandanas, walked into the library's Windsor branch and handed the librarian a note, Clamser said. "She implied she had a weapon and that (the librarian) had one minute to comply," Clamser said. The librarian handed over what amounted to petty cash - some bills and change from the till used for fines for overdue books. Clamser said the amount taken was less than $20 dollars. "We're kind of wondering, why would anybody do this?," Clamser said. The robber faces a felony robbery charge, which may be upgraded to aggravated robbery, Clamser said. Any chance she might get off with just a fine? "No," Clamser said. If the woman is caught, how the case is pursued will be up to prosecutors, he said. Fort Smith has been the site of some unusual crimes of late, including the thefts of safes from three restaurants and a bank. Last week, a man who robbed a sandwich shop proved easy to catch when he made a quick change of clothes in front of a surveillance camera. In May, a man wanted for bank robbery was caught after Fort Smith police posted a MySpace page with a detailed description of him. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1399c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Fellow was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas without success. Finally in desperation he said, "Look. I'll give ya a hundred to sleep with me tonight." "You ain't gonna get no where being so crude either buddy." the girl said. "Tell ya what. Try betting me 100 dollars at 2:1 that I won't put out for ya." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda Re: McAfee malfunction brenda rose wrote: I received this message from McAfee virus scan. They said I should notify you. Hopefully this type of activity can stop. ALERT ! If you received a phony postcard pick-up notice, claiming to be from a family member, or other vague source, then that is just an illegal spoof and NOT from us. Just like Ebay and PayPal, we too suffer from forgers. Mypostcards.com SELLS postcard software, but does NOT send postcards. Do not click on anything in the spoof. Just dump it. The real postcards are sent from legitimate card sites that use our software. ( Mypostcards.com provides the software, but does not compete with clients) Postcards sent with our software ALWAYS show the name and address of the sender MyPostcards type postcards never ask you to download any files, especially not a virus filled exe file. MyPostcards style postys are on the web and are viewed like any safe web page. Those spoofs are nothing new. The only thing new about these spoofs is that the computer of one of your friends has gotten infected, and that a virus sent itself to all the addresses in your friend's address book. You can send the spoof to the Spamcops at http://www.spamcop.net/ They will analyze it and show you where it really came from. McAfee VirusScan E-mail Scan has detected a potential threat in this e-mail sent by "mypostcards.com" -gzgd@expand.com- with the subject You've received an ecard from a Family member!. This e-mail has been quarantined. We strongly recommend that you report this suspect activity. to "mypostcards.com" -gzgd@expand.com-. Brenda Dear Brenda McAfee made a mistake by assuming that you had a clue and knew which part of a forged email was related to the sender. If you sent a mail forged to look like "Elvis Presley" - brose*@wi.rr.com - or "Hillary Clinton" - brose*@wi.rr.com - or "mypostcards.com" - gzgd@expand.com - then it would be kinda stupid to complain to Elvis or Hillary or Mypostcards, right? Well, the silly goofs at McAfee mistakenly assumed you were bright enough to understand that, and would not bother Elvis or Hillary or Mypostcards.com. You sure fooled THEM, eh ? Don't feel bad. We got thousands of mails similar to yours from of Outlook Express users, who don't seem to be able to see the actual address under the forged title part of an address. You SHOULD tell McAfee about their mistake and that their program is not compatible with Outlook Express users! All it does is make you look silly. If you want to learn about spoofs, browse to http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html There is an easy to read tutorial there. Have FUN! DearWebby PS. Elvis is not accepting email at this time. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Deltona, Florida - Gimundo Dale Tanguilig was upset. His best friend, David Black, was in the hospital again. He told his mother, Denise, that David, who suffers from a chronic kidney disorder called nephritic syndrome, needed a transplant. The donor needs to have the blood type O positive, Dale told his mother. Denise thought, “I’m O positive.” Denise approached David’s mother, Bonnie, during a school band practice. “Where do I get tested?” she asked. Bonnie started to cry. After weeks of testing, Denise was found to be a match. Her family was concerned, but, she said, “I’ve always wanted to do something like this.” So on Monday morning, Denise will give her kidney to David at Tampa General Hospital. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... iend?s_Mom
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Friends and Family Mailing Lists Consider setting up an email discussion list to help stay in touch with friends and family. It can be a great way to post announcements with family members all over the world.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?" His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.." The Scot goes: "Are my children here?" "Yes, daddy, we are all here." say the children. The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say: "Yes, we are all here..." The Scot gets up and says: "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?" ============================================= WIFE SAYS, ONE NEEDS COMPANY Bruce watched his Golden Retriever, Fred rub one side of his face on the ground. "I'm sort of worried," he said to his elderly wife Lisa. She looked at the dog closely. "You know, he's worn all the fur off that side of his face, we should take him to the vet, maybe Fred has a bad tooth." At the veterinarian's office, Fred continued to smear his face on the floor, the chairs, even on the legs of other people waiting to see the vet. Finally, his turn came. "He's in great shape, I'll just take a look in his mouth," the vet said. After a moment, he told the couple, "I can see something sparkle, he definitely has something hung up on a tooth." Fred let out a tiny whimper of pain, when the vet pulled out a small gold band, with a diamond. "This looks like an engagement ring," the doctor exclaimed. "Oh my gosh, that's my engagement ring." Lisa cried. "I lost it in the garden 30 years ago. We dug up every inch of the yard trying to find it." She looked at her husband who was holding his sides laughing. "What's so funny," she demanded. "Oh not much," Bruce said. "It's just that I bought you another ring for our 30th wedding anniversary. I guess you won't need it now." he continued, "I can spend the money on a new skill saw." Lisa took the old ring, put it on her finger, then told her husband. "Looks a bit lonely, the new one will even things out just right." The vet cracked up. "I'm a newlywed, I already know never to mess with women and diamonds."He looked at a very unhappy Bruce, "No skill saw for you, your wife really won this round." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Super Dogs
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: POST beep codes 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 22, 2007
======================================

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
--- Mark Twain

=======================================

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry
standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked
'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am. It's all
in perfect working order.'

=======================================

Little Johnny turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: "Morning Johnny, and why weren't you at school
yesterday?"

Johnny: "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt."

Teacher: "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"

Johnny: "Nothing left but ashes, Ma'am.
They don't mess around at those crematoriums."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the
husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was so skinny.  The husband then donated some of his
skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of
this, because after all,... this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than
she ever did before!  All her friends and relatives just ranted
and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to
thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get thanks enough
every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your
cheek!!

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michelle Rendino, 20, of Syracuse, New York Wrong Priorities July 19, 2007 - Syracuse, New York - AP A 20-year-old Syracuse woman who left children who were in her care alone to go pose for nude photos is facing several charges of endangering the welfare of a child. Police say Michelle Rendino was supposed to be watching four young girls yesterday when she left them alone and went into the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor to have a man take nude photos of her. A man fishing saw the children crying and called police. When police arrived, the oldest girl - a six-year-old - told police that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures." Rendino says she asked the man to take nude photos of her so she could get back at her ex-boyfriend. The children were returned safely to their mother. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1415c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: POST beep decoder Hi Mr Webby; Can you please tell me if this card is worth buying? Eddie POST PROBE PCI CARD POST Code Reader Card from Micro 2000 Dear Eddie That's just an old-fashioned POST (Power On Self Test) beep decoder. In the days when components were still repaired, some people used the beep decoders. For example, with an IBM 3270, (before the PC), 3 long beeps signalled keyboard problems, usually a stuck key. "Hmmm, sounds like you have been eating at your desk again!" Turning the keyboard upside down and whacking it on the desk usually fixed that problem. A long and a two short beeps indicated problems with the CGA video card on early IBM PC's and Canon XT's. Usually that problem was due to the video card creeping part way out of it's slot from heating and cooling. That called for "Percussive Maintenance". Lift the computer 10 inches and drop it onto the desk. "There, Ma'am. Should work fine now. Call me when it does it again." And so on. In those days, a good troubleshooter had all the POST code beeps memorized. Since then, things have gotten a bit simpler. Nowadays you see the post code numbers on the screen, or get 4 beeps, if there is a problem with the video card. If re-seating all the cards and memory doesn't help, and the "power-good" LED on the motherboard is lit up, you just start pulling and/or exchanging cards until you got the one that was causing the problem. If that doesn't help, replace the motherboard. If the problem is the power supply, you can tell by the sound of the power supply fan, or lack thereof. You can read about the POST beep codes at http://www.pchell.com/hardware/beepcodes.shtml however, that beep decoder is more of a nostalgia item than a modern troubleshooter's tool. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Newcastle, Delaware - Gimundo When Ameerah Pearman was a teenager, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin’s disease, a form of cancer that affects the lymph nodes. She survived, but doctors told her she’d probably be unable to have children. Ameera, now 25, lost four other babies before birth, but a few months ago, she delivered her first child, Michael, who arrived four months premature. After 81 days in the hospital, Michael got to go home with his mother to their New Castle, Del., home. Ameerah said she never stopped believing she could have a family. “Statistics are just numbers, and God is the final doctor. He’s the physician that I listen to,” she said. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... iracle_Mom
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Glass Doors On Wood Furniture If you have a nice piece of furniture with glass windows surrounded by wood, don't spray glass cleaner directly on the windows. Some of the cleaner is bound to get on the wood and can damage the finish. Dampen a rag with glass cleaner and then wipe the window clean with the rag.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported." ============================================= LUCKY DOG - POOR ME When most people see an animal in danger, they will usually help. I'm no exception. I was in a parking lot on a boiling hot day. I noticed a large dog, sleeping, curled up in the shade of a parked car right behind the rear tires. The owner of the vehicle came out, got in, started up, then began to back up. I made a dash to snatch the dog out from behind the wheels. The dog was sound asleep, not pleased that a strange woman was suddenly yanking him around. The dog struggled, peed all over my new jeans, tried to bite me, and in the moment, I left one of my dainty little feet under the wheel, where the car ran over it. I let out a blood curdling scream. The car stopped, the driver jumped out very concerned that he had run over the poor dog. I'm hollering my head off, the dog has emptied his bladder on me, plus dished out a nasty bite, my foot is squished, and this guy is worried about the dog? I finally got it through to him that I was the hurt one. I let the dog go. It was desperate to get away from the screeching person hanging onto its tail with a death grip. X-rays showed no broken bones. I went home. My artist friend was amazed at how many colors a mashed foot can have. Purple, black, blues, even orange. I was not amused with her at all. The best part, a nice dog didn't get run over. The very worst, I had a date lined up to go dancing with a male of my liking. I had to phone him and tell him, "I have a foot-ache, not tonight honey." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A sailor gets off his ship in New York late one night, hails a taxi and asks to be taken to 42nd Street. Along the way, he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have any money. Well-trained to be resourceful, and familiar with cabs in New York, of course, he tells the driver, "Stop," and he jumps out of the cab. "I'm just going to run over here to the drugstore to get some matches," he says. "I dropped a $100 bill somewhere back here and I can't find it in the dark." The sailor goes into the drugstore, and as soon as he's through the door, the taxi speeds off into the night -- just as he thought it would. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tallest ferris Wheel
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: No Flash 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 21, 2007
======================================

If we command our wealth, we shall be rich and free.
If our wealth commands us, we are poor indeed.
— Edmund Burke

One's first step in wisdom is to question everything -
and one's last is to come to terms with everything.
--- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

=======================================

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion.  As store
owners ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the
pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.  His
white uniform was scorched black.  He walked up to a woman
standing nearby and said, "Lady!  Would you please ask your
doctor to write that prescription again.  And this time,
PRINT IT!"

=======================================

The judge read the charges, then asked,
"Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jethro. "I got me a
lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one who done it."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something
in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave
him back his credit card....

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Atlanta-based Force Events Direct Marketing, Too many winners July 19, 2007 - Roswell, New Mexico - AP Everyone's a winner after a direct-mail marketing company hired by a local car dealership mistakenly sent out 50,000 scratch-off tickets to residents - all of them declaring the ticket-holder the $1,000 grand prize winner. Just one of the tickets was supposed to be the grand prize winner. Jeff Kohn, Roswell Honda general manager said a typographical error by Atlanta-based Force Events Direct Marketing, which printed the advertisement, had given all 50,000 scratch-off tickets grand prizes. "Unfortunately, they missed it in the proofreading," said Kohn, who was able to stop an estimated 20,000 direct mailers from being sent. Kohn said the dealership is "making a full-faith effort" to investigate the mistake, which he said is "not how we portray ourselves or our community." In a statement, Force Events apologized "for any inconvenience this may has caused car shoppers in the Roswell market" and asked that any questions and concerns be directed to the company. Force Events representatives are expected to be in Roswell on Thursday to sort out the mess, Kohn said. Meanwhile, the names, addresses and phone numbers of "winners" who arrive at the dealership were being taken down. Kohn said they will all be invited back to the dealership. "At this point, I don't know what exactly the company's solution is going to be," Kohn said. "We are not sure how Force Events is going to handle this matter. That's why they are flying out to Roswell and that's why I'm taking down people's names." http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1412c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Dear Webby Thought you might like this picture of Mt. Athabaska with the Athabaska glacier between it and Mt. Hilda in the foreground at right. It was taken near the Icefields Parkway in Banff Park, Alberta. My wife and I were hiking on the old Banff -Jasper Highway along Nigel Creek about a week ago. Svend Thanks to Svend for sending this picture: =========================================== A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Almira Re: Further into the dark Dear Webby I need to take pictures of graduates from a course that I teach. The last ones were a disaster. The flash does not light up the second and third row, and without a flash, the overhead lights are too dim and make the faces look haggard. I remember you occasionally making strong statements against the use of flash, but I forgot what alternatives you recommended. Can you please tell me again? Thanks Almira Dear Almira Go to Home Depot or a similar construction supplier, and get yourself a 500 W or 1000 W Quartz work light. They are in rectangular cast aluminum fixtures just like yard and security lights, but have a much brighter lamp in it, and a safety grill in front of the glass. You can get them with a big alligator clamp to clip them onto a stepladder, or with a bright yellow tripod. Most photographers take that tripod out into the back alley and use a can of black barbecue paint to give it an expensive and professional look. However, that is a stupid idea. It just causes people to trip over the tripod legs. There is a good reason why it is bright yellow. Position the light a bit to the side of your spot and closer to the group or podium. Put your camera on a tripod and make sure that the light is just barely outside your cone of view. The older the crowd, the lower down the light should be. A knee high spotlight hides more wrinkles than a pound of make-up, but make sure the light is a bit to the side and not straight in front of your camera. Set the camera for 1/30 second or if it is an automatic, use the symbol of a person with a star above the head. To take the picture, hold up a manual flash with your left hand and set it off. Click the camera a second later, when they just start to relax, but before they let their chests fall back down into their drawers. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 19, 2007 - Callahan, Florida - IBS A Florida man recently came face to face with his 18-year-old self -- in the driver's license he lost 25 years ago, along with his wallet. A Nassau County, Fla., office worker recently found Ken Colsen's old wallet in a window ledge, still containing the pictures of his nephews, who are also grown up. The office worker looked up Colsen's name in the phone book to return everything. "She said, 'Is your address Mickler Street?' and I said, "I've not lived on Mickler Street in over 20 years,'" Colsen said. Colsen said he remembers last seeing the wallet in the parking lot of a McDonald's restaurant that used to stand a few miles away from the current office building. He speculates that someone found the wallet, took whatever cash was inside and then tossed it. "I was so astonished when she gave it to me that I was kind of shaking," Colsen said. "You don't expect to ever get it back, so when you get it back some 25 years later, it's bizarre." http://www.wftv.com/news/13713251/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Air Out the House With summer here, open up windows when you use caustic cleaners. Opening up various windows and doors will help air circulate throughout the house and help freshen everything. An even better approach is to avoid these type of fumes by using cleaners like baking soda and vinegar. Some of the industrial citrus based cleaners are also very powerful. Their smell might be easier on your nose and throat than boiled down vinegar. A five gallon pail of concentrated cleaner will probably last you the rest of your life, and is surprisingly cheap at a janitorial supplies wholesaler. The proper way to decant the concentrate into a sprayer bottle or pint bottle for splashing a bit into a mop bucket, is to treat the pail like a barrel, not like a bucket. The bucket handle is just to get it out of the store and to your home. Lay the pail flat on a work bench or shelf. Raise the front a bit with a piece of wood, so that the big spout is higher than the liquid level. Pull the big spout out, unscrew the cap and tear out the safety seal. Now you can gently roll your "barrel" until you get a smooth, even flow from the spout. When you got enough, just roll it back and put the cap back on. Don't push the spout back in. Leave it sticking out. You can only push it back in about 200 times before it starts cracking and leaking. Totally ignore the little spout hole. That is just an air hole used when the concentrate is sucked out with a pump in the big spout. Use a couple of small wedges to stop your "barrel" from accidentally rolling. With this method you never have to lift the pail again, once it is in place, and you always get a smooth, even flow that is easy to control. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Two voices - male and female - obviously on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first" "It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on" Sniff sniff "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!" ============================================= SWINGING BELLA Bella was just plain lonely. A family had adopted her, welcomed her into their hearts and home. They had a sudden family emergency, leaving her at a neighbors farm but the farmers seemed too busy for her. On the place were two miniature donkeys. Bella went to meet them. Unlike most donkeys, these two liked dogs. Almost all donkeys will chase a dog away. Bella found a stick, inviting the mini's to play. The shaggy critters caught on fast. Each took one end of the stick in their mouth, then trotted off. Bella was left alone, again. She wanted to play. When the donkeys came close, she lunged at the middle of the stick, and hung on. The tiny critters thought this was great fun. Around and around the pasture they went, packing that stick, with Bella swinging gently between them. The game went on for hours. When the sun grew too hot, the mini's went into the shade to rest. Bella curled up with them. Eventually all three slept, worn out from the fun. Her adopted family arrived, calling out her name. She ran at full throttle towards them. She looked back at the donkeys who had trotted up to the fence. Jumping down, she found the stick, and the game was on. Her family got a huge kick out of the antics. Once at home, Bella settled in happily. She was greatly loved. Every week, her family would load her into the car, drop her off for an afternoon's play with the two mini's. The donkeys appeared to enjoy having a playmate, even if it was a dog. Truly, little Bella had the best of two worlds. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep... ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Scenery
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Transparent icon text background for XP SP2 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 20, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
======================================

"We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of
the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
--- David Letterman

"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything;
"I will try" has performed wonders.
--- George P. Burnham

"I will do it", gets the job done.
--- DearWebby

=======================================

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous
detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales
about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the
railway station in Paris.  When a taxi pulled up, he placed
his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted.  He asked the driver whether he
knew him by sight.  "No, sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

The driver said, "This morning's paper had a story about you
being on vacation in Marseilles.  This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come.  Your skin
color tells me you have been on vacation.  The ink spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer.  Your
clothing is very English, and not French.  And so, I deduced
that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing.  You are a real life
counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing that gave you away," the driver said,
after pocketing his tip.

"What is that?" questioned Doyle.

The driver said, "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

=======================================

A couple was taking a stroll through a park, when they came
upon a wishing well.  The woman leaned over, made a wish and
threw a quarter down the well.

Her husband decided that he also wanted to make a wish.
Unfortunately, he leaned over too far and fell down the well.

The woman stood there in shock for a moment and said,
"Wow!  It really works!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Kati for bringing back this classic:
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and
then was afraid to come down. The Pastor coaxed, offered
warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy
enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope
to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then r
each up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in
the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further,
the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through
the air - out of sight.

The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.

No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten So he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one
of his church members. He happened to look into her s
hopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman
was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, s
o the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat,
I'll let you keep it."

She told the Pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard,
get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor,
you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to some thieves in Poland Really dry now! July 6, 2007 - Bytom, Poland - Ananova A Polish family in a block of flats stole their own roof after working out they would not get wet if it rained. The theft was in the town of Bytom in south-west of Poland where extra cops have been drafted after authorities complained thefts were now such a problem that nothing was safe. A police spokesman said: "One family occupying the ground floor of an apartment block worked out that they would not get flooded if there was no roof on the building, so they stole it." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2402846.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: =========================================== Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: transparent desktop icon text backgrounds Dear Webby FYI I went to google and put in "make desktop icon background transparent". The first page was filled with the the same info on "how to" that you sent me, which did not work for me. But on the second page this came up, and it worked!!! Jai Display Properties => Desktop => Customize Desktop => Web "Lock desktop items" - uncheck! Jai Thanks Jai! That does indeed work like a charm with XP-SP2 ! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Friends restore Lotus in secret A sports car enthusiast who suffered a mini stroke while restoring a Lotus Esprit was amazed when online friends finished the work for him in secret. Simon Pritchard, 36, from Abergavenny, had been in the process of rebuilding the 25-year-old car when he fell ill, reports the BBC. When members of the Lotus Esprit online forum website heard, they donated money and time to fix it. The original 18-month project costing £25,000 actually took his friends just five weeks to complete. Mr Pritchard had several mini strokes after developing Reiter's Syndrome - a form of arthritis which develops as a reaction to infections in the body. As part of his research, he logged onto a website which allowed people to get help and advice in the restoration of such cars. Andy Betts, from Bexley, Greater London, who runs the website said: "He was trying to do up the car even though he was quite unwell. "One day I phoned him up and his wife said he was in hospital and I thought that there had to be something we could do to help him." So while Mr Pritchard recovered in hospital, Mr Betts set up an area on the website which Mr Pritchard was denied access to and went about recruiting help from the 3,800 members. Offers of money, car parts and time soon came flooding in and so with the help of Mr Pritchard's wife Kelly, the group organised to have the car taken to a garage in nearby Caerphilly for restoration. Over the next five weeks, more than 2,000 hours of work were put in by people who travelled from as far as Hertfordshire, Cheshire and Kent. "I can't even begin to thank all the people who were involved. It just restores your faith in people and shows that there is good in everybody," he said.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop Around For Checks Don't assume that your bank has the best price on checks. You can often find checks for as much as half the cost from other check suppliers. Just carefully check your bank numbers and personal information as you would with any box of checks.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I didn't pad my bra enough to get the job." ============================================= THE KITTEN WHO WASN'T THERE Toby was a huge dog who detested cats. He wandered into a local garage one day and there he stayed. Content, friendly, playful, until he saw a kitty. He would lunge at the feline, or chase it for blocks returning looking very proud of himself. The garage was near a lake. Toby often went down for a cool dip. One day, he snarled when he saw a small grey kitten step onto a piece of log that was half in the water. The wood slipped into the lake with the kitten crying piteously. It was drifting further out, carrying a reluctant rider. Topy went after the kitten. When he reached it, the tiny thing jumped onto his head, hanging on for all he was worth. Toby made it back to shore, shook the kitten off and made tracks for home. He had a shadow. The soaked kitten followed right along. Right into the garage where Toby flopped down on his bed. Right in between the dog's paws, where it rested, purring. Finally it fell asleep. Toby had the most pained look on his face. He hated cats, what was he to do with this one! He solved his dilemma, amusing everyone by pretending it wasn't there. Even at meal time, when the baby cat ate from his dish, Toby ignored it. He slept with the kitten curled up beside him, only the cat wasn't there. Until the kitten was adopted, the dog got through each day, by pretending he had no idea a cat was even in the garage. It worked out well for both of them. I mean, a dog has to have some pride, right? Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Mr. Doggins was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The birds were ruining his prize winning flower beds. The neighbor told Doggins that the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. Two weeks later, a friend visited Doggins and noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you get your neighbor to keep his hens in his own yard?" Doggins said, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed. The next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Just in case...
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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Dear Webby: Spam from Excite.com 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 19, 2007
======================================

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if,
by ill luck, people understood each other,
they would never agree.
--- Charles Baudelaire

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching
TV by candlelight?
--- Al Boliska

=======================================

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He
stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The
livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady.
She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my
brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go
down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and
ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a
goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall
and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens....

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was
far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over
to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said "Well,
buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Matthew Garmon, 18 of East Barren, Kentucky He is going to be even mre bored soon! July 17, 2007 - Glasgow, Kentucky - AP A volunteer firefighter in south-central Kentucky was arrested after allegedly making false 911 calls because he was bored, police said. Joshua Matthew Garmon, 18, a member of the East Barren Volunteer Fire Department, was charged Sunday with nine counts of falsely reporting an incident, according to the Barren County Sheriff's Department. The false calls came from cell phones that don't work anymore except for emergency 911 calls, Detective Rusty Anderson said. Anderson said Garmon allegedly made false reports of fires and wrecks with injuries because he wanted to go on fire runs. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... JJ1G0.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Ann for this picture: Eagle on the tree in front of the house =========================================== The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Anapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mindy Re: Excite.com Dear Webby What's with all this spam coming from excite.com? Can't anything be done about it? Dear Mindy Excite is spammer friendly. I simply trash all mail coming from excite.com, right on the server, unseen by anybody, automatically. If you don't have MailWasher, then tell your ISP to block all mail coming from excite.com. You never get any useful mail from an excite.com address anyway. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 18, 2007 - Slidell, Louisiana - AP An anonymous benefactor helped settle a long-standing lawsuit in which a land company claimed ownership of a house sold without the residents' knowledge over a $1.63 tax bill. ''I don't even know who to thank,'' Dolores Atwood, 69, said after the settlement returned the property title to her and her 71-year-old husband. ''But I'm relieved and happy that this is finally over.'' The local businessman who paid Jamie Land Co. to settle the lawsuit wants to remain anonymous for now, said his attorney, Gary Duplechain. He stepped forward after reading about the Atwoods' plight. Jamie Land President James Lindsay II said the agreement reached Tuesday calls for the amount paid to remain undisclosed. ''But it wasn't a lot of money,'' he said. In 1996, the $1.63 bill was sent to a defunct address and returned as undelivered. The Atwoods weren't looking for it, because they had owned the four-bedroom house mortgage free since 1968 and had been exempt from the state tax. As a result, the home was sold at a St. Tammany Parish sheriff's auction in 1997. The State Tax Commission eventually nullified the sale, but when the Atwoods tried to sell the house in 2002, they discovered that Jamie Land Co. still had the property rights. Lindsay argued his rights were violated when the tax commission didn't inform him of its decision. Last month an appeals court sided with the Atwoods, and Jamie Land had been planning to appeal to the state Supreme Court. Delores Atwood said having the title will allow them to apply for assistance to help repair damage caused by Hurricane Katrina. She's been staying in a trailer on the property while her husband, Kermit, who is on a respirator, lives with relatives. ''I'm tired of living in a FEMA trailer,'' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7182007/b ... p-home.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoiding Workbench Clutter Keep a garbage can right by your workbench or work areas. Try to find convenient place to store items, like safety goggles, so that they are near where you used them the most. Keep a small hand broom near your work bench to sweep debris into a garbage can.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
============================================= COPYCAT PARROT "Take the batteries out of that blasted smoke alarm," Ethel snapped at her husband. "It bleeps no matter what I'm cooking." Her husband argued, "I don't think that's a good idea." One look at his cranky wife however, and he dismantled it. She grumbled, I wish you could dismantle the blasted parrot." The parrot that had a huge repertoire of sounds. He drove Ethel to distraction daily, imitating sounds like the phone ringing, barking dogs, crying kids, doors slamming. It sang TV commercials, almost any sound, if the bird heard it enough, it would imitate. He loved to say, "Ethel" over and over. Ethel slid the turkey into the oven. She was in a hurry, had more shopping to do as company was coming. As she went out the door, the bird called, "Goodbye Ethel." She yelled back, "Just shut up." The parrot sang over and over, "Shut up, Shut up, Shut up," until he tired. Dealing with a bad mood, had made Ethel careless. She had turned the oven temperature too high. It wasn't long before smoke curled around the stove. Neighbours heard the smoke detector. Knowing no one was home, they dialled 911.The fire dept. arrived, turned off the oven, then tossed the blackened turkey out the door. They looked for a smoke alarm, but it wasn't there. The parrot was sitting on the table watching. Everyone jumped when he lit into an ear piercing siren of a smoke alarm. Ethel was visibly shaken finding the firefighters in her home. Her parrot was preening from all the attention he was getting. She turned white when the neighbours told her what happened. She held the parrot, "I guess you better stay after all." The bird responded, "Shut up Ethel, Just, Shut up!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A couple got married in a western one horse town and took the their homey moon in the bright lights of Las Vegas. While checking in the hotel clerk said to the honeymooners, "Would you like a single room or a double or for $100 you can have the bridal." The woman responded, "No, I don't need the bridal, I'll just hang on to his ears until he gets the hang of it." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World of Roses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: What to do with too old computers 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 18, 2007
======================================

It is better to sleep on things beforehand
than to lie awake about them afterward.
--- Baltasar Gracian

=======================================

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.

Patient: I don't touch a drop.

Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.

Patient: I don't smoke.

Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.

Patient: I don't do drugs.

Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.

Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke,
and find a couple of girlfriends.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor,
was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the
other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the
word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent
you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you
very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters
stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a bus driver in Lindau, Germany Too sensitive for being a bus driver July 17, 2007 - Germany - The Scotsman A German bus driver threatened to throw a 20-year-old sales clerk off his bus in the town of Lindau because he said she was too sexy. The woman, named only as Debora C, told Bild newspaper: "Suddenly he stopped the bus. He opened the door and shouted at me, 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus'." The woman said she moved to another seat, but was left humiliated. The bus company defended the driver. "The bus driver is allowed to do that and he did the right thing," a spokesman said. "A driver cannot be distracted, because it's a danger to the safety of all the passengers." http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1110922007 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: View from Darjeeling =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this story: One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He then ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered breathlessly. He whispered back, "I found the remote." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Scott Re: Too Old Computers Dear Webby Our club gets, among other things, old computers donated to us, so that we can try to convert them into cash for charitable purposes. However, quite a few are so old, that we can't do anything with them and just wind up paying disposal fees. Do you have any ideas? Thanks Scott Dear Scott Hold a Computer Smashathon. Provide safety goggles and a sledge hammer and charge a dollar per hit. You'll be surprised how much money you will raise! When they are all smashed to bits, glue them together into a big abstract sculpture, take good pictures of it and sell it on eBay. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos 7/17/2007 - Gimundo Drinking and cigarette smoking often go hand-in-hand, as anyone who’s ever frequented a bar will attest. Now it turns out a drug that helps smokers quit smoking may also kill the urge for alcohol as well. The drug, called varenicline, works by targeting a pleasure center in the brain that makes smoking enjoyable. New research suggests the same spot in the brain is affected by alcohol. Scientists said the drug could be used to treat other kinds of addictions, such as gambling. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... ts_at_Once!
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bringing a Thermos To Work You can save money by bringing coffee to work in a thermos rather than buying it there. Before filling your thermos with coffee, fill it up with hot tap water and let it sit for a few minutes. This will help warm up the thermos before adding the coffee and it will stay hot longer.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this Sunday she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... ....we didn't see a single bastard or moron!" ============================================= JINGLE'S PALATE As a young bride, I wanted to make my new husband something special. I gathered all the materials for sugar cookies. My mother had made them for years, the melt in your mouth kind. I was positive I could do the same. My dog Jingles, always on the prowl for dropped crumbs from the table kept me company. Something wasn't right. What should have been a nice soft ball of cookie dough, was a dry hard lump. I didn't have a rolling pin, so used a shoe in a plastic bag, to wack the ball into a flat shape. Jingles usually ate anything that hit the floor. It was odd, he was ignoring all the pieces that drifted down. I finally got the cookies into the oven. They looked fine, just didn't brown. I offered a warm one to Jingles. He took it very politely, went out to the yard, dug a deep hole and buried it. Okay, he was saving it for later. I tried one, and darn near broke my teeth. I noticed Jingles had dug his up. Some crows were banging away at the cookie with their beaks. It wouldn't break. I took at look at the ingredients I had used. No wonder the dog wouldn't touch them. Instead of flour I had used a container of drywall compound, that when water is added, is used to repair holes in walls. I dug a hole to bury the rest. Months later, Jingles dug them up, well preserved. He placed one in front of my new husband. "Very strange," he said, "I've never seen white hockey pucks before." Even today, if I bake something new, I'll offer a bite to the dog. I trust his judgement. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== "My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?" "I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in The Flood." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tall Ships Festival
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: How to recognize a spoof 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 17, 2007
======================================

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is
dressed in overalls and looks like work.
--- Thomas Edison

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others.
--- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

=======================================

One of the airlines recently introduced a special
half-fare rate for business women to take their hubands
along on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out letters to all the
husbands of business women who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Greg and Ron were in a lodge, making small talk. Greg
asked Ron, "So, what do you hunt?"

Ron answered, "I hunt unicorns."

Greg was startled, but said, "Really? How
do you do that?"

Ron answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn
comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Greg said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've
heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Ron replied "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns
around, either!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Daniel Ellis, Cape Cod, Massachusetts Jury Shirker Will be serving more than jury duty time ... July 10, 2007 - Barnstable, Massachusetts - AP A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges. "In 32 years of service in courtrooms, as a prosecutor, as a defense attorney and now as a judge, I have quite frankly never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service," Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson told Daniel Ellis, according to a preliminary court transcript of the exchange. Ellis, of Falmouth, had been called to court with about 60 other potential jurors for possible service on a 23-member grand jury. On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, Ellis wrote that he didn't like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with Nickerson. "You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said. "That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted. "I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added. "I'm sorry?" Nickerson said. "I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied. "So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked. "Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response. Ellis then admitted he really didn't want to serve on a jury. "I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said. "That's true," Ellis answered. Nickerson ordered Ellis taken into custody. He was released later Monday morning. Ellis could face perjury and other charges. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 5839c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli for this picture: Star Gazer Lily =========================================== A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jack Re: REMOVE!!! Take me off your mail list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I get one more email from you I WILL turn you in to the FCC. Jack Quirk jack@kjproductions.tv Hi Jack Go right ahead and make the FCC laugh about you. You can also try the FTC, and for good measure FTD. You don't have an account with us, so I can't remove you from anything. However, I would recommend that you get somebody to 'splain to you what a spoof is, and how to recognize a spoof. Then you can stop barking at the wrong tree, just to amuse me. Have FUN! DearWebby How to recognize a spoof http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 16, 2007 - Angola, Indiana - AP The personal touch earned a waitress a $10,000 tip. Jessica Osborne, 20, received the gift from a family of regulars at the Pizza Hut where she works in this northeastern Indiana town. The family, a mother and two sons, stopped in recently for their usual: two Mountain Dews, a cup of hot water for tea and a large Meat Lover's Stuffed Crust pizza. They requested Osborne as usual and chatted about their lives. ''They make your day better when they come in,'' Osborne said. She said she told them how she had started college twice but had to drop out because she didn't have enough money. They told her of their plans to move away, and she asked that they say goodbye before leaving town. They returned last week and handed Osborne a check, folded in half, with money from an education fund they had set up after a death in the family. ''I didn't want to look at it because I thought I was going to cry,'' Osborne said. She did just that when she looked inside. Osborne said she is now considering her options for where to study photography and journalism. ''I haven't had time to figure it out,'' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7162007/i ... er-tip.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning a Toaster First unplug the toaster. Open the crumb catch tray, making sure you open it over a garbage can or outside to avoid getting crumbs everywhere. To get it super clean, you can use some compressed air like you use for cleaning inside of electronic device. Never clean the inside with water. Do NOT use canned compressed air! Don't even allow it anywhere near your home! Kids inhale it to get stoned, and hundreds a year die from that. If you think you need to shoot petrified bread crumbs into your eyes and down your cleavage, use a tire pump or electric air compressor. However, unless you have weird fetishes like putting runny jam onto your toast before putting it into the toaster, it's enough to turn it upside down over your bird feeder or sidewalk, and slapping it a few times. If the neighbors are watching, tell them that your toaster is haunted and has been misbehaving. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ============================================= PAY BACK TIME It took us months of hard work. Finally our backyard pond was finished. It had a fountain, water plants, beautiful fish, we even had lighting rigged up to show it off at night. Compliments were many. For weeks we enjoyed the pond. It was the perfect place to relax. Our black lab, Jack was getting on in years. He still slept in his dog house at night when the weather was warm. This was fine, until his frenzied barking woke us up in the wee hours of the morning. He was racing around and around the pool, barking his fool head off. The phone began to ring, neighbours wanting to know if we had a prowler. I searched every inch of that pond, turned the fountain off, shut off the lights, finding nothing, grumbled at Jack to shut up, then stumbled back to bed. Ah, silence. Until Jack started up again. What was with that dog? He'd never acted like this before. Out I went, this time sneaking up behind him. I whispered "What is it Jack?" The poor dog was so startled he leaped right into the water. Right out the other side bounced a toad the size of a grapefruit. Jack went after it, the toad sat like a lump. Jack sniffed it all over, wrinkled his lip, backing away from the thing. I gently pushed the toad under the neighbours fence then went back to bed. Suddenly the neighbors dog went into full alert. I still feel guilty that I put the toad under the fence. At least Jack wasn't blamed for barking. Besides their cat had been digging in my flower beds for years. It was payback time! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lavender Festival
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Increase Picture Size 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 16, 2007
======================================

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
--- Don Marquis

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize
till you have tried to make it precise.
--- Bertrand Russell

=======================================

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.

However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University,
I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on
his fingers to remind him.  A good sport, he didn't protest,
even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.

One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and
emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a
white bandage.  When he walked into class, everyone just stared.
Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you
to remember today, it must be REALLY important."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Lane, 25, Suffolk County, NY Phony Cop July 11, 2007 - Bohemia, New York - AP There were flashing lights atop his SUV and what appeared to be a police badge in his hand, but it was the man he tried to pull over who was the real police detective. Robert Lane, 25, was arrested Tuesday on charges of criminal impersonation and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, Suffolk County police said. Lane was driving an SUV fitted with flashing lights when he tried to stop the off-duty New York police detective on a highway on Long Island, Suffolk police said. They said Lane told investigators the detective had cut him off. The detective got suspicious when Lane drove up alongside him, identified himself as an officer and flashed a small police badge, Suffolk police said. The detective showed his own police ID and ordered Lane to pull over, then followed him when he didn't and called in local police to arrest him, authorities said. Lane could not immediately be located for comment. http://cbs2chicago.com/watercooler/wate ... 94723.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for these pictures: Bromeliad =========================================== There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Making a picture larger Dear Webby, I have a digital picture that measures 548 x411 pixels but the company requires a minimum of 700 x 500. Would you please advise me how to increase the pixel size. Thank you, Fred Dear Fred Any graphics program will do that, even Windows Paint, though that is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. First increase the color depth to 16 Million. Then soften the contrast just slightly, about 2 - 3 %. Next, increase the picture size to what you need. And finally, sharpen the contrast 6 - 10%. If pictuer quality is not that important, you can skip the softening and sharpening. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Garden birds too loud says council A great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise - from birdsong in her garden. The official note from environmental health warned of "a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing." Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said: "When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. "I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that." The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong "arising from your premises during the early hours". It went on: "In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence." She added: "We have so much wildlife, it's so beautiful. The frogs croak in the pond - maybe they are doing that too loudly?" A spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said: "We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers. "But we must investigate all complaints from residents - however bizarre they may appear."
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Hard Water Deposits From Faucets To remove vinegar deposits that accumulate on faucets from hard water, fill a bag with vinegar and tie the bag to the faucet. Allow the faucet to soak in the vinegar for a couple of hours. When you remove the bag, the deposits should be gone. Repeat if necessary. I think they meant "mineral" deposits. For tap stems and fixtures you can rip an old t-shirt into strips and wrap them tightly around the fixtures, then soak them with vinegar. After an hour you can undo the strips and use them to polish off what mineralization remains. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." ============================================= SMALL DOG ADJUSTMENT "I don't care what you say, small dogs are just silly pampered toys." Ray was on his rampage again. He believed the only real dog was one that was tough, mean, and could lick any dog in a good fight. Ray loved to go fishing. He couldn't swim. Being a macho man he refused to wear a life jacket when out in his boat. That was for sissy's. He set out on a warm afternoon, thinking the fish would be in a shady spot near the shore. Sure enough, he caught one. Standing in the boat, taking the fish off his line, the boat rocked. Ray lost his balance, toppling into the water. "Help me, I can't swim." he gurgled. "I'm gonna drown." He thrashed around desperately Suddenly, a black miniature poodle leapt into the water. She reached the man, grabbed him by an arm, then headed for shore. Ray tried to help by kicking his legs. Once ashore, he said, "I thought I was a goner, "That little dog saved my life." The tiny poodle jumped up into his arms where he patted her awkwardly. "Guess I was wrong about little dogs, this tiny curly thing sure is brave." I looked at my friend, "Are you going to tell him?" He grinned, "No way." We both laughed knowing that Ray had only been in five feet of water. All he had to do was stand up. Having that poodle "save" him, gave him a change of heart regarding small dogs. His dunking had been well worth it. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING! ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ancient wooden toys for the imaginative
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Transparent Icon Text background 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 15, 2007
======================================

He who overcomes others has force;
he who overcomes himself is strong.
--- Lao Tzu

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm
our worst suspicions about them.
--- Franklin P. Adams

=======================================

Thanks to Sandie for these stats:
A recent study found that the average American walks about
900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that the
average American drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average,
Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad!!!

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Kati for this classic:
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is
in aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking
stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that
when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lardo."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to William Sadlon, 58, South Carolina Dead pension July 12, 2007 - New York, New York - AFP When retired US school teacher Edward Sadlon died in 1993, his son apparently saw no reason to tell anyone, and allegedly continued to cash his father's pension checks for almost 10 years. Now, prosecutors in Connecticut, where the retired teacher had worked, have charged the son, William Sadlon, 58, with mail fraud, accusing him of paying the monthly checks into his own account from late 1993 until early 2003. Connecticut authorities are believed to have paid out more than 250,000 dollars in pension payments before realizing that Edward Sadlon was in fact dead. The defendant, from the state of South Carolina, faces up to 20 years in jail if convicted. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070712/o ... rime_fraud ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== A synagogue had just opened for business while at the same time a Catholic church opened across the street. After some time the Rabbi noticed that a convent had been added to the church, More time later a Catholic school was built, then a gymnasium. Concerned the Rabbi called together his staff and expressed his concern, "We've been here the same amount of time as our neighbors and look, they've grown while we still have our same small temple - what are we doing wrong?" And so it was decided, they'd send Morris to attend a service on Sunday and check out what was going on over there. Sunday comes and all the men from the congregation are peeking thru the windows as Morris enters the church. Not 15 minutes later and Morris comes flying across the street, yelling and waving his arms. "So what happened?" says the Rabbi "Oy, you wouldn't believe it" says Morris "I go into the church, I sit down, then from the left a guy in a dress comes out unto the stage and he's chanting "I can play dominoes better than you can - I can play dominoes better than you can", then from the right of the stage some young boys swinging incense followed by another guy in a dress starts chanting "I bet you don't - I bet you don't" then back and forth they go "I can play dominoes better than you can - -I bet you don't", then from outta' the back four men in black suits come down the aisles and pick up the bets !!!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Icon text Boxes Dear Webby I just added a new desktop photo, and it looks awful with all those black boxes all over the screen. Blah! Alas, I am so bad, I cannot find it in Tweak IU. There is no setting there, I went thru every tiny part of it and could not find it. Would it be possible for you to give me more information as to "how to"? I sure would appreciate it. I really want the transparent backgrounds!!! Thanks my friend, Jai Dear Jai I couldn't remember how to do it, so I looked it up. Seems I last wrote about it in May 2005: The icon text background transparency has absolutely nothing to do with system performance, but that's where the toggle for it is. 1. Open the Control Panel 2. Click System 3. Click the Advanced tab 4. Click Settings in the Performance section 5. Select Custom 6. Check the "Use drop shadows for icon labels on the desktop" checkbox 7. Click OK until you close the windows Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Kudos to quick thinking guest: July 13, 2007 - Washington, DC - AP Police on Capitol Hill are baffled by an attempted robbery that began with a handgun put to the head of a 14-year-old girl and ended in a group hug. It started around midnight on June 16 when a group of friends was finishing dinner on the patio of a District of Columbia home, authorities and witnesses said. That's when a hooded man slid through an open gate and pointed a handgun at the girl's head. "Give me your money, or I'll start shooting," he said, the witnesses told The Washington Post. Everyone froze, they said, but then one guest spoke up. "We were just finishing dinner," Cristina Rowan, 43, told the man. "Why don't you have a glass of wine with us?" The intruder had a sip of their Chateau Malescot St-Exupery and said, "Damn, that's good wine." The girl's father, Michael Rabdau, 51, told him to take the whole glass, and Rowan offered him the bottle. The would-be robber, with his hood down, took another sip and a bite of Camembert cheese and put the gun in his sweatpants. Then the story got even more bizarre. The man with the gun apologized, the witnesses told the Post. "I think I may have come to the wrong house," he said. "Can I get a hug?" Rowan stood up and wrapped her arms around the man and the four other guests followed. The man walked away a few moments later with the crystal wine glass in hand. No one was hurt, but once he was gone, the group went inside, locked the door and called 911. Police said Friday that the case was strange but true. Investigators have not located a suspect. "We've had robbers that apologize and stuff, but nothing where they sit down and drink wine," Cmdr. Diane Groomes said. "The only good thing is they would be able to identify him because they hugged them." http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1667c.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No More Soggy Sandwiches No More Soggy Sandwiches Instead of making the sandwich before you leave, pack the sandwich ingredients separately. Put the bread, meat and cheese in one bag or container and the veggies in another. Use small reusable condiment containers to bring your favorite condiments.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Bob moved into an apartment and went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase -- a large bag of potato chips. Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater." ============================================= WADING POOL TERROR "Mom, the horse is in our wading pool again." I went to check. Sure enough, Robbie, our miniature horse was knee deep in the kids pool. He was defiantly holding his own against the kids, and our two dogs who also wanted to cool off. I wondered if summer holidays would ever end. I chased Robbie out of the pool, dumped it out, filled it again for the kids. A few hours later they came in grumbling the horse was in the water again. I went out, but decided to take a break. I'm glad I did or I would never have witnessed what happened. Robbie stood in the pool, both dogs yapping like mad. The mini horse, stepped on the edge of the wading pool, causing it to flip right over his head, water drenching him and the dogs. The pool stayed on his head. Robbie took a step, the thing went with him. He panicked. He raced across the yard with the pool clinging from his head to his rump. The dogs freaked, they took off in the other direction. I couldn't stop laughing. All I could see was that wading pool, with four legs, headed across the lawn. It finally fell off. I refilled it, expecting the horse and dog to start trouble again. It didn't happen. For the rest of the summer, Robbie and the dogs, refused to go near the pool. Peace reigned. I put a new wading pool out in the pasture for Robbie and the dogs. The grass grew around it in a lush circle. It remained untouched. I rather missed the excitement. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Nine year old Little Johnny, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission, to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge so that the cops could not follow them, and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked, scornfully. "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Boeing's newest aircraft
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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Dear Webby: Wired or wireless home office 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 14, 2007
======================================

An important trip in life is meeting people half way.
--- Socratex

People begin to become successful the minute they decide to be.
— Harvey MacKay

=======================================

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of
the road holding up a sign that said, "The End
is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to
each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the
first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we
should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out'
instead?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

THREE BAD NUNS
There were these three nuns and they were tired of being good
all of the time, so they went to the priest and asked if they
could be bad for one day. He said that they could do one
thing wrong but they had to come straight back and tell him
what they did.

The first nun comes back. "And what did you do wrong, Sister?"

"I mooned the rabbi next door, and nearly gave him a
heart attack."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

The Second nun comes back shortly afterwards.

"And what did you do wrong, Sister" he asks again.

"I spiked the fruit punch at the bingo ."

"Very well, go drink holy water."

Just then the third nun comes up to the priest and again
he asks, "And what did you do wrong, Sister."

"I peed in the holy water."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lara Madden, 25, Houston, Texas Stolen Name July 9, 2007 - Houston, Texas - IBS A Houston-area woman filed a lawsuit against a porn star, claiming she stole her name. Lara Madden, 25, is an actress in the pornography industry, Houston TV station KPRC reported. She is a former Houstonian who has appeared in about a dozen X-rated movies under the stage name "Syvette Wimberly." That's the problem. The real Syvette Wimberly was one of Madden's classmates at Kingwood High School. The women knew each other in the ninth grade. Wimberly said she does not believe it's a coincidence that her old classmate is now using her name. "I imagine she knew the name and maybe thought it sounded catchy and was unique," Wimberly said. Wimberly is suing Madden for invasion of privacy and emotional distress. "Really on a weekly, if not daily basis, my client has had to deal with odd phone calls, former classmates that didn't know her that well sending her e-mails about whether she's now in the adult film industry and just a general lack of safety for her," attorney Caj D. Boatwright said. Wimberly is also suing Vivid Entertainment, the porn distributor that produced Madden's videos. She's asking for monetary damages and an injunction to stop Madden from using her name. KPRC legal analyst Brian Wice said that's an appeal likely to win sympathy from a jury if the case goes to trial. "It's not like they pulled the name "Jane Doe" or "Barbara Smith" out of thin air. They pulled a name that's fairly peculiar to one woman in Harris County, Texas, and that's the kind of coincidence or lack of coincidence that's going to get somebody's attention in this building behind us," Wice said. Wimberly declined to talk on camera. Her attorney said she's already received more publicity than she wanted in the first place. Calls to Madden and Vivid Entertainment for comment were not returned. http://www.kirotv.com/entertainment/136 ... etail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== The Saskatchewan prairies may look bald but, there is beauty all around if one takes the time to look. The wild flowers are Brown Eyed Susan's. The chick is a young Plover which I found along the shoreline while out Kayaking on the lake. It wasn't hurt. The eggs belong to a Tern, found on an Island on the lake. Sue =========================================== When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he exclaimed, " You crazy guys actually thought you could fool me with THAT old gag!" It was then he realized we had removed the drainpipe under the sink and turned the "U" trap to point at his crotch. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucille Re: Wired or wireless? Dear Webby What is faster for a home office network, old fashioned cable or wireless? I know I can't go by what the computer magazines say, because those guys never paid for their toys and have to watch who pays for the ads. The machines are not used for high file traffic games, just for office work, but in 4 different rooms. We are moving and I need to quickly decide whether to have the new place cabled or not. Thanks Lucille Dear Lucille Professionally installing cables so that they are hidden, with neat and clean wall jacks, is neither cheap nor fast. If you go that route, check with burglar alarm system installers. They know how to securely hide cables so that absolutely nothing shows. Wireless, even though you may have to buy a wireless router and wireless network cards, will be cheaper, and can be set up in an evening. The file transfer speed of the new N-Class wireless is better than cable, as long as there are no fridges or metal file cabinets bouncing the signal around, and as long as the distance is not over 50 feet, otherwise the file transfer speed is lower than cable. Ethernet cable speed is not likely to improve in the future. That is a set standard. However, wireless is getting better by the season. If you have one or more "roaming" laptops, go with wireless. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 9, 2007 - Victoria, Texas - AP By all accounts, Tahoe is a typical kitten: cute, sleepy and hungry. But his eating habits are far from typical, as the stray's been nursing from a 3-year-old dog named Lillie. Ever since the kitten was found under the hood of Eunice Collins' running Chevrolet Tahoe a few weeks ago, he's been feeding from the unusually cooperative longhaired dachshund. Tahoe feeds in the morning, at night and after naps, purring and pawing at the dog's belly. "That's not going to happen very often," said veterinarian John Beck, who added that the "kitten got lucky, basically" that he found a dog with those maternal instincts. Collins said she was confused by the sound of a kitten meowing as she drove her Tahoe. "I thought I was going crazy," Collins said. "I came to a light and heard it again. So I pulled into a gas station." Collins took the kitten in and kept him in a bedroom. Four days later, she saw Lillie feeding him. "I couldn't believe it," she said. "She has just taken Tahoe on as her baby and has been nurturing and taking care of him. They're just very close." Beck said having Tahoe in the house "induced a false pregnancy, a nursing response." http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... F5A80.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Chalkboard You can make a chalkboard to fit any size of frame. Just take a thin, smooth board (smooth plywood works well for this), cut to the desired size and paint it with dark primer. Let that dry and spray paint it with chalkboard paint, which you can buy at your local hardware store. In some areas, like here, chalk board paint has gone out of fashion and off the shelves. Whiteboard paints for the much more expenseive dry erasable markers is in now. However, chalkboard paint is easy to make, in any color. If you don't have perfectly smoth plywood, a good alternative is used plexiglass from basement windows. It's ball and rock proof, but dulls easily just from occasional cleaning. Just round the corners nicely. For the paint, use a hard, flat acrylic paint, not a soft urethane or epoxy paint. Mix in some chalk-line powder, (the stuff carpenters use to snap long straight lines onto floors or walls), and put the paint on fairly thin. The thinner and the longer you let it dry between coats, the harder it will get. If you are in a real hurry and need a bunch of blackboards immediately, use flat black barbecue paint. For small and precise writing get soap-stone pencils from a welding supply store. They write like a white pencil on barbecue paint on metal or plexiglass or hard wood, and outlast chalks 100 to one. Both the round and the flat soap stone pencils have a thin metal holder and refills. By the way, old plush toys make excellent chalk board erasers. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
BACK IN MY DAY In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to cut off somebody's fingers. In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you had to kill him with a shovel. ============================================= MONGO, NAG AND POO POO Dogs will do the strangest things. It has kept my life very interesting watching their antics. Nag was a no-name breed of dog. He had a long coat. At times I was too darn busy to brush him. He'd go out and lay in the barnyard where chickens would climb onto his back, and scratch. They'd pluck and pull hair until it looked as if I had shorn a sheep. Mongo just arrived one afternoon. He had white hair, droopy ears. Mongo wanted to work. He'd pick up a pail that contained nails, then walk over most of our quarter section happily lugging the pail along. Too bad he didn't want to take up fencing. Poo Poo, (I know, a dumb name for a dog) was a poodle who amused herself by riding on Mongo's back. Up she'd jump, away they'd go. She would get anxious when he went into the bush with his pail. She would dash home, dig holes to put small rocks in, bury them and keep this up till Mongo came home. Nag and Mongo didn't like each other. Instead of having a good, ' clear the air fight,' they would circle each other growling. For an hour or more. The circle get wider until they were on opposite ends of the yard. They would rest, then start all over. Don't dogs ever get dizzy? Mongo had his pail of nails, Nag liked to be groomed by chickens, Poo Poo used Mongo for a horse and buried rocks when worried. All three were sweet, loveable, loyal friends, just a wee bit odd. Funny, I have human friends just like that! I love them anyway! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night. The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson." "That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?" Smiling coyly, the patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson." ========================================
Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Word Of Photography
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Camera for boat trip 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 13, 2007
Wear something red to show your support of the troops!
======================================

Friday the 13th!
Remember that it's bad luck to be superstitious!

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
--- Stephen Leacock

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism
is alcoholism.
--- Norman Brenner

=======================================

The happy couple were at Town Hall, applying for their marriage
license. After they filled out all the papers, the clerk said,
"This license is good for 30 days."

"No, you don't understand," replied the nervous bride-to-be.
"We want one that's for eternity."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
Wife: "I'm going to try something new this summer with the
dog and kids."

Husband: "What's that?"

Wife: "I'm sending the dog to camp and the kids to
obedience school."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Betty Perry, 70, Orem Utah Refusing to identify herself July 8, 2007 - Orem, Utah - Daily Herald A 70-year-old US woman has been left bruised and bloody after an unexpected clash with police who came to caution her for not watering her lawn. Trouble flared when Utah pensioner Betty Perry, 70, refused to give her name after being upbraided because her garden breached local regulations. She says the officer hit her with handcuffs, cutting her nose, although police insist she slipped and fell. Ms Perry said she was "distraught" after the incident. She denied accusations she was resisting arrest, maintaining that she only turned to go inside to call her son to fix the confusing dispute. "I tried to sit down and get away from him [the police officer]," she told Utah newspaper the Daily Herald. "I don't know what he's doing. I said: 'What are you doing?' And he hit me with those handcuffs in my face," she said. "He's just trying to cover his tracks, as far as I'm concerned." The officer had judged that Ms Perry's "sadly neglected and dying landscape" breached an Orem city guideline and was attempting to issue a formal caution when the 70-year-old was injured while resisting being arrested for refusing to identify herself. She was treated in a local hospital for the cut to her nose and for other bruises before being taken to jail. But she was let go when police realized there were "other ways" of finding out her identity without jailing her, a police spokesman said. The arresting officer has not been named but has been placed on administrative leave, he added. Ms Perry has been offered help by local church leaders to clean up her garden. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6282348.stm ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Here are some pictures I took from my back yard. I would like to share them with you. It wasn't raining that day. I was out in the back yard working & my friend told me too look at the clouds. I ran to get my camera. Love your letter every morning. Joyce =========================================== A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop that!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way did you fire it ?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maria Re: Camera for boat trip Dear Webby What camera would you recommend for a long canoe trip? I don't really want to risk my big Canon, but want to be sure I get reasonably good pictures. Thanks Maria Dear Maria Just get a stack of regular disposable cameras, not the expensive underwater type or the flash type, just the cheap ones you see at gas stations and drug stores and supermarkets. They float, and immersion in water does not seem to bother them one bit. The only drawback I found with them is that they do tend to easily slip out of a shirt pocket and go for a dive whenever you lean over the side of the canoe to retrieve a beverage from the cooler net, or if you get a bit wild with the paddling in a rapid. It's not a real problem, you just wait after the rapids for the camera to catch up, and fish it out. They float a lot slower than a good canoe, so if you temporarily lose one, don't paddle like a maniac trying to catch up with it. It is behind you and will eventually catch up with you, if you simply wait for it. Cameras with a flash and batteries probably won't do so well in the water, but with the plain regular ones I have never had a problem. The pictures are more than good enough for scanning and using on the net. Try not to mix brands, though. They all use different color temperatures. Kodak has a yellow cast, Fuji a green and Agfa a blue cast. If a whole series of pictures has the same cast, the eye compensates for it, but if they are mixed, they look odd and amateurish, and you need to adjust the hue in a graphics program. Decide on one brand, and stick with it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 12, 2007 - Decatur, Georgia - AP A bank robber was stopped when a former Marine knocked him down and held him until police arrived. Timothy Armstead was at a Washington Mutual Bank on Tuesday to find out how someone had stolen $100 from his account when a man wielding a fire extinguisher came in and demanded $2,000. The man told bank employees the fire extinguisher was a bomb and they had five minutes to give him $2,000 in $50 bills, DeKalb County police said. As employees went to the bank vault to comply, the unidentified man began loudly counting down the minutes, attracting the attention of Armstead, police spokesman Michael Payne said. When the robber tried walking out with the money, Armstead — who was already irritated about the money missing from his account — put his daughter down and knocked the man to the ground. The man yielded without a fight. And while they waited for police to arrive, Armstead said he lectured the man on his poor decision. ''I just told him it was a very stupid decision and now you get to spend 20 years of your life just for taking some money,'' Armstead told Atlanta station WSB-TV. http://www.happynews.com/news/7122007/e ... robber.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soap As a Lubricant A normal bar of soap can work well as a lubricant when applied to metal. Use soap on screws before you screw them into hardwood. You can also use soap to speed up a stubborn zipper or a handsaw blade. It also will speed up the runners on windows, sliding doors and drawers.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Thanks to Liz for this story: A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved." ============================================= SUMMER DAYS FOR YAMMER Not again! Ann found her flower beds dug up. Planters were knocked over. Bulbs that were to produce beautiful flowers, gone. Dirt was spread over the entire patio. This was the fourth time her expensive bulbs had been taken. She blamed the sleepy old dog. "I'm gonna skin that mutt," she fumed. She yelled for "Yammer," to come here. The lazy dog was resting in a cool hollow he had dug in the dirt under the patio. He sat in front of her, listened while she told him over and over that he was not allowed to dig in her flowers. He yawned. Ann's husband arrived home late, slightly tipsy, singing, 'Jingle Bells.' He tripped, coming face to face with several pretty kitties, playing in Ann's flower pots. "Hey Ann," he yelled, "Come down here. There's a mess of cats in your flowers." Ann went flying downstairs. She took one look and burst out laughing. Her husband said, "Old Yammer is off the hook now, it's those darn cats." She told him to get a good look at the cats. He leaned closer. Funny looking cats. They all had masks. Ann grinned, "They're racoons, I love racoons." Yammer flopped onto the patio beside Anne. She petted him. "And to think all this time I blamed you Yammer, mom's so sorry." In the cool of the night, old Yammer used his nose to hide his latest batch of stolen bulbs. He liked racoons too, they dug the bulbs for him. Summer was so boring Burying all those bulbs was fun. Tomorrow night they'd hit the neighbors. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Irene for this story: For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Wabash Railroad
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Numeric Key pad 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 12, 2007
======================================

There is no failure except in no longer trying.
--- Elbert Hubbard

=======================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my
vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from
a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully,
then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in
for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there
are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw
him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."

======================================

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Unc Wes for this story:
Three priests were in a railroad station on their way
home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very
sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight,
skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous,
so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I
would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his
composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would
like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in
nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window.
"Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I
would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist
on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates,
St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

They took a bus.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to July 9, 2007 - London, UK - AFP A female Muslim juror has been arrested in Britain after allegedly listening to an MP3 player under her hijab headscarf during a murder trial, police said Monday. The woman in her early 20s was spotted by a fellow juror listening to music as she was meant to be helping try the case of a pensioner accused of bludgeoning his wife to death after 50 years of marriage. She could now be charged with contempt of court and, if convicted, may be punished with an indefinite jail sentence and an unlimited fine. Details emerged after the defendant was convicted and Judge Roger Chapple lifted a reporting restriction which prevented previous publication of the details for fear of disrupting proceedings. The woman had repeatedly arrived late for hearings at Blackfriars Crown Court, central London, and prosecuting lawyer Peter Clarke asked for her to be dismissed. The judge initially refused, saying it was not necessary, but a day later, he received a note from another juror suggesting that the woman may have been listening to music during the defendant's evidence. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070709/o ... ourt_islam ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== My nephew, Greg, is back "on the road". Thought you'd like this. Martin Glacier lilies (Erythronium grandiflorum), Middle Two Medicine Lake, Glacier National Park (Montana) =========================================== THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. The first one is "gross". And the other one is "cool". Are there any questions?" After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... "So, what are they?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helga Re: Numeric keys for laptop Dear Webby The numeric keypad keys on my laptop are dual-function keys embedded in the regular keyboard. It does have the numbers again on top, but I can't get any speed going with those. Is there a solution for that? Thanks Helga Dear Helga Yes, you can get numeric keypads quite cheaply. For example Dalco sells them for about $10. They just plug into any USB port and act like the standard numeric key pad on the side of a regular keyboard. Do yourself a long term favor and use it on the left side of the laptop keyboard. That frees your right hand for making checkmarks or notations on the data that you enter. You will be surprised how fast you can learn to operate it with the left hand without looking at it. If you go to a Surveyor or Engineering supply store, you can even get a thigh holster for them, so that you can use it quite conveniently and comfortably if you have no space beside the laptop. When you got a lot of paperwork spread out, that can make a huge difference. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 9, 2007 - Claremont, California - UPI A thief who stole a chandelier from the rear entry of a California boutique was caught when the store owner conducted her own sting operation. Brenda Monahan, who runs the Three French Hens boutique in Claremont, was burgled of a box containing a $1,400 chandelier. She then set out a less valuable chandelier and trained the building's security cameras on it, The Los Angeles Times reported. Through the security camera, Monahan got a good look at the thief. She later set out other ceiling fixtures and alerted the police. When the thief showed up at the expected time, police nabbed him, the Times reported. Upon inspecting the accused thief's house, police found the other light fixtures that had been stolen, the newspaper said. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-211320-285437
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Weight Loss Eat an apple and drink a full glass of water before eating dinner. Both are good for you and will allow you to feel full more quickly. This will prevent you from eating too much of the actual dinner, which may not be as good for you.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' break room saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too." ============================================= An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake do we still have intercourse?" Jake answered, "Nah, I told you last time already. We have Blue Cross!" ============================================= REAR END TACTIC My dad had a small terrier type dog named Sam. He was just a small brown tog, with a huge dog attitude. Sam had it in for cats. If one dared to cross his path, the battle was on. Most dogs will chase a cat, catch up to it, usually getting his nose slapped by a paw loaded with hot needles. The dog will do some barking before they part company. Sam had his own unique way of battling with cats. He'd had his fill of being slapped by hot feet. He learned a new tactic that had dad rolling around laughing. He'd spot a cat and do his best ferocious barking. He'd wait until the cat had puffed out to four times it's size, then he'd charge. Most cats stood their ground. That's when the fun started. At least for dad. Sam would race up to the cat. Just before reaching it he'd spin his body around in mid flight. His rump would slam into the poor kitty, knocking them off their feet. He was a sturdy dog, when he threw his hindquarters at the cat, the startled feline would go sailing, wondering if it should stay and fight, or leave. If they stayed, Sam would repeat his rear end maneuver. The cat would eventually leave looking very ruffled and dazed. My dad would howl watching Sam throw his weight around. They would take up sentry duty, waiting for the next cat to walk into the yard. I thought they were both slightly batty. The cat's got smart. They sat on the fence around the property, where Sam would go slightly berserk. He hated it when a cat would perch high up to gaze down on him. The cats loved it. I think they were just getting even! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra. Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her. "What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues. She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Live painter
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Windows start-up sequence 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 11, 2007
======================================

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
--- Franklin P. Jones

"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of
imagination."
--- Oscar Wilde

=======================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and
were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."

He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning,
the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to
break up with her boyfriend.  She seemed awfully concerned
that he not be angry.

"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break
his neck," she answered.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an odourous German Smelly Feet July 9, 2007 - Kaiserslautern, Germany - Reuters German police broke into a darkened flat fearing they would find a dead body after neighbors complained of a nasty smell seeping out on to the staircase. The shutters of the apartment had been closed for more than a week and the postbox was filled with uncollected mail. But instead of a corpse police found a tenant with badly smelling feet asleep in bed next to a pile of foul-smelling laundry, police in the southwestern town of Kaiserslautern said on Sunday. http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/thepress/w ... a4560.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Hi Webby. Got this from my daughter-in-law in Tx. where they are having all the rain .We have been getting a lot of rain here too and if It keeps up , the ladies here may need them also ! Thought you may like it . jjs =========================================== After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items. "Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling. "Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to Mercedes! =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: A few people Re: Windows start-up sequence How can I re-arrange the start-up sequence for different programs in Windows to get to the mail faster? Dear Messing with the start-up sequence is more of a black art than a clear science. Windows doesn't really start things one at a time, but more like the "But first..." joke from a few days ago. And before all that, it loads parts of Internet Explorer to make magazine testers think MSIE loads faster thanFirefox or Oprera, when you open a browser. Then it starts loading stuff, but while it is waiting for the hard drive to deliver what it needs for that, it starts loading more stuff. Even though it appears as insane as a Chinese Fire Drill in Vancouver, it does actually finish loading everything in the shortest possible time. If you mess with it, it is probably going to take longer. However if you insist on messing with it, you can download Mike Lin's Start-Up Control Panel from http://www.mlin.net/StartupCPL.shtml You can probably get better results if you simply use the Tools in CrapCleaner and dump no longer fashionable utilities and stuff right out of the start-up sequence. You can also get to your mail faster if you reduce the restore period in MailWasher to the minimum. If you don't miss any mail in one day, you are probably not going to root through the spam restore bin a few days later. Also age off the blacklist in 2 days max. Spammers don't use the same forged name twice in a row anyway. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 9, 2007 - Merritt Island, Florida - WFTV The sight of an unclaimed newspaper may have saved a Brevard County man's life. Tonya Brand was on her normal route on Merritt Island, when she noticed one of her customers, Jean Plante, had not retrieved his paper from the day before. She also heard water running in his apartment. Brand immediately called authorities. "I knew something was wrong. He wouldn't leave town with his water running and not stop his paper," Brand said. Plante was unconscious in his apartment and was rushed to Cape Canaveral Hospital. The next day, Brand made a special delivery and brought his paper to him at the hospital. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/13646661/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning the Microwave Fill a microwave safe bowl 3/4 of the way with water. Add a slice of lemon (or vinegar) to the water and then heat it until steaming in the microwave. Remove the hot bowl of water and wipe the microwave out with a damp sponge. Food splatters should wipe off easily.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form. ============================================= When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought prmium or regular gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly. "It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put in the usual ten dollars worth." ============================================= FASHIONABLE BAUBLES I love parades. The kids, clowns, floats, marching bands, but most of all the horses decked out in their finery. It's especially fun to see the young county kids ride their horses, waving to the crowd, showing off just how hard it was to get that animal gleaming after hours of washing, brushing and braiding the mane and tails of their mount. At one parade, two little girls rode bareback. The huge black horse pranced right along. The only thing was, he tinkled. It sounded like wind chimes, crystal bells, a really pretty sound. As he passed by, onlookers doubled up, pointing their fingers at the horses behind. Apparently, some form of accident had resulted in the loss of most of the long tail hair that would have reached the ground in a lush waterfall. The girls did the best they could to get him parade dressed. They had woven wind chimes, tiny glass bells, silver Christmas tree garland, feathers that floated in the wind, plus some yellow plastic flowers into what was left of his tail. With every step, that horse produced music. It was to the horse's great credit that he totally ignored the hardware banging around his rump. Did it embarrass the girls? Nope! While people laughed, they happily waved the ribbon for first place, for the best looking horse in the parade! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== NEW DEFINITIONS Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official. Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a bill. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Guitars
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Puppy Spam 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 10, 2007
======================================

"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman

=======================================

 The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said,
"Miss Francis, I ain't got no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.
You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"


"Not really," Willie said, "If nobody ain't got no crayons,
then what happened to all them crayons that nobody ain't got?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Kati for this story:
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his Mom is
baking. He puts his Hand in the flour and then wipes it all
over his face."Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy."

His Mom slaps his face and says, "Go show your Father."

He goes to his Dad in the living room and says,
"Look Papacita, I'm a white boy."
His Dad slaps him hard in the face and says,
"Go show you Grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,
"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him
back to his Mother.

His mother says, "What did you learn from that?"

The boy replies:
"I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't
like you Mexicans!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Anthony Giordano, 47, of New York Some budy! June 30, 2007 - New York - AP With his roommate still unconscious from a car crash, Anthony Giordano told police officers he was the injured man's brother and took his wallet before embarking on a $22,000 spending spree, police said. Giordano, a former Long Island resident, was extradited to New York from South Carolina on Friday, according to the Suffolk County Police Department. He faces charges of identity theft and grand larceny. Authorities said Giordano, 47, was already lying to his roommate at the time of the crash, telling Geoffrey MacMurdo he was a Sept. 11 victim and a New York firefighter. When MacMurdo was involved in the crash in June 2005 that eventually cost him his leg, Giordano claimed his belongings from officers, police said. Giordano ran up more than $22,000 in charges on his roommate's credit cards and on new cards he took out in MacMurdo's name, police said. He used the cards at a strip club and to buy a 15-year-old Jeep, police said. After the crash, Giordano continued to live with MacMurdo. He moved out without warning in May 2006 and eventually moved to South Carolina. It was only after he moved that his roommate began to suspect him. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0706 ... mate_theft ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks for Dani from Montana for sending this picture: =========================================== Thanks for Cookie for bringing back this classic: Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce a year before. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding." Jennifer just smiled at her mother. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eric Re: Puppies spam Dear Webby Lately I have received unsolicited mail from somebody claiming to have puppies available to a good home, first there was a batch of letters about pugs, now a bunch about bulldogs. The letters showed up in all of my business and private addresses. So, something is obviously fishy! What's the scoop? Eric Dear Eric I got them too, but mailWasher dumped them. However, I was able to restore one of them and sent it to SpamCop. Those puppy letters come from or through a spam server in Thailand. They are fairly harmless dupe harvesters. As long as you let MailWasher dump them, nothing will happen. However, if your Gramma doesn't have proper spam protection, and is gullible enough to reply, she will be added to some "Most Gullible Dupes" database, and can expect all kinds of sleazy scams showing up in her mailbox. Whenever you see copies of the same unexpected letter from a stranger arrive at multiple mailboxes, dump it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 22, 2007 - CNET News Solar energy isn't the only renewable resource: there's also garbage. A company called AgriPower will begin production next year of a movable power generator fueled by a wide range of waste products, from walnut shells to discarded tires. Although solar and wind energy are the best-known renewable energies, generating power from biomass is getting a closer look, as societies try to diversify their fuel sources. AgriPower's combined heat and power system was originally envisioned for developing countries that could burn agricultural wastes to make electricity and heat. The multi-piece unit includes a large feed hopper that holds 5 tons of material, and a high-temperature incinerator that vaporizes biomass as it comes in. The resulting heat can be used to turn a turbine to make 300 kilowatts of electricity. The heat can also be used to power other processes like heating. http://news.com.com/Portable+power+from ... g=txt.caro
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check the Date When Buying Dairy When buying milk or any dairy product at the grocery store, be sure to check the "use by" or "sell buy" date on the packaging. If the date is not to your liking, grab a carton from the back of shelf. There is no sense is buying products that will go bad before you can use them.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate number!" "That's no help," Bubba replied, "I'm using the license plate I stole off the mayor's truck to cut down on the speeding tickets." ============================================= GINGER'S DIMPLES A young girl was sitting in front of the vetetarinarians, crying, with her small dog in her arms. Concerned, I asked if could help. She hugged her dog closer. "My mom is going to be so mad at me." She broke into sobs. "She told me I could have Ginger as long as she didn't cause any trouble." I glanced at her dog Ginger, biting my lip to keep from smiling. The small dog had a head, a tail, the middle was a bloated sausage. I've never seen a dogs bottom that had dimples. After more questioning, plus passing on a Kleenex, I learned more. She spent six months with her dad, the next half year with her mom. Dad had bought the puppy, mom said she could bring the thing with her, only if the dog didn't cause any problems. The dog was sick at the airport, so a disquieted mom took the kid and fat dog to the vet. The girl started crying again. "The vet said my dog was too heavy, she has to lose weight." Sad blue eyes looked up at me. "I've never had a dog before. Ginger is supposed to eat special diet food now, Mom is going to be so ticked off." She hugged her dog tighter. "The vet told me that Ginger was pushing my buttons to get food, and that I was allowing her to do that." I just could not hold back the giggles when she wailed, "I've looked all over myself for those buttons and I just can't find any!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth. The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!" ========================================
Thanks to TDianne for today's Bonus Link: 100 years of Hershey Kisses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: RTF Gobledigook 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 9, 2007
======================================

"No person was ever honored for what he received.
Honor has been the reward for what he gave."
--- Calvin Coolidge

=======================================

From Tim
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up
call.  The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did
not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly.
"This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.  "You were supposed
to call me at 6!",  I complained.  "What if I had a million-dollar
deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss
out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a
million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in
this motel!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for these Call Center recordings:

Customer:   "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and
can't get through; can you help?"

Operator:   "Where did you get that number, sir?"

Customer:   "It's on the door of your business."

Operator:   "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
-------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
------------------------
Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized
that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I
get my file back again?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Victoria McArthur of Boston Massachusetts Too klutzy for eating candy A Michigan woman is claiming that a Mars candy turned into locked her jaw, and now she's suing Mars. Victoria McArthur said she locked her jaw while eating Starburst candies. She said a piece of the candy caused her top and bottom teeth to stick together, resulting in a condition called "temporal mandibular joint dysfunction." McArthur is demanding $25,000 from the Mars Corp. to pay for her rehabilitation, plus compensation for her pain and suffering. She may have difficulty proving in court that she locked her jaw because of eating a Mars candy, and not because of trying to say "temporal mandibular joint dysfunction" while eating another brand of candy. ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks for Dianne for sending this picture: Tide coming in at LaJolla =========================================== "My wooden leg was hurting me something fierce last night," complained Art, a Viet Nam Vet. That's impossible," said his neighbour, "How can a wooden leg hurt you?" The vet replied, "My old lady hit me over the head with it when I came in late." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Gobledigook Dear Webby I wrote to my nephew, was ok when I sent it to him, when he replied to me this is how the letter I wrote to him came back in the reply. >We did our best to distract her honey, but...........Maddy is very bright and never bit for our humorous attempts of  distraction. Jaye Dear Jaye He is abusing Microsoft WORD. Tell him to read the instructions about mailing from WORD and to turn off RTF. That's just for using amongst WORD users who don't have standard email programs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 1, 2007 - Takoma Park, Maryland - Press Release Cub Scouts from Takoma Park, Maryland recently raised enough money selling lemonade to protect a section of rainforest in Guyana more than six times the size of their hometown. The project was based on a suggestion by Scout Alex Rice's father, Dick, chief economist at Conservation International, which has an innovative agreement to lease 200,000 acres of rainforest in Guyana. CI pays the government what it would have received had the area been logged. CI has partnered with Save Your World(TM), www.saveyourworld.com, a natural, quality personal care product company with conservation objectives. Save Your World(TM) is helping to pay the annual royalties and fees required to maintain this agreement. Charging 30 cents a cup, the scouts knew they would be protecting significant acreage with each lemonade sale. "We tried to make prices a multiple of 15 cents, because 15 cents saves an acre of land for one year" said Cub Scout Aaron Richards. Drinks and snacks sold at the annual soapbox derby quickly generated $426.13 and with double matching funds from Save Your World(TM) and CI, the total $1278.39 saved 8,523 acres of rainforest for one year. Not bad for a Saturday afternoon. The pace was set by Aaron, 11, and his sister Alana, 8, who together donated $171.33 -- a whole year's worth of funds saved for charity. "I have been saving since last year because I thought we might do another lemonade stand to save the rainforest," said Aaron. "We get $3 allowance every week; $1 goes into the bank, $1 goes to anything we want, and $1 goes to community service or charity." Lemonade for forest
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baby Food Jars For Small Items
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!" ============================================= SONG IN THE KEY OF BAAAA Bedlam. That's what the bus driver was thinking as he picked up the last three students riding the school bus. There was some sort of scuffle at the back of the bus, he got up to settle things down. Shutting the door, he headed out for the school, dreaming of retirement. Suddenly he heard a sound that he couldn't quite figure out. The kids in unison made the same noise. Baaaa. Was this some sort of new song, a game, or just a new way for him to grow more grey hair? He liked the kids but they could be weird to his way of thinking. It was only a 10 minute drive, but the entire trip the kids sang our, Baaaa, Baaaa over and over. He sighed, this generation of kids were just not on his wave length. He stopped the bus, allowing the kids to head off to school. Standing outside the bus, he relaxed. That had to one of the strangest rides ever. He heard it again. Baaaa. Damn, it must be his new hearing aids. He took them out, walked over to a friends bus where they headed out for coffee. Alone under a tree, a nice little goat sat. Lots of grass to eat, human's who petted him, and best of all, a ride where all the kids talked his language. It was well worth, jumping the fence, climbing aboard the bus and talking goat with all the kids. He'd wait right here until they came out to go home. Baaaa Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia. "What's that?" she asked. "It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that." As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?" ========================================
Thanks to Trish for today's Bonus Link: Pommegranates
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Bat to clean out the Quarantine 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 8, 2007
======================================

"It is time for us all to cheer for the doer, the achiever -
the one who recognizes the challenge and does something
about it."
--- Vince Lombardi

It's been said that the only constant is change.
I don't agree with that. There's another constant,
and that's the desire for change.
— Dr. Robert Maurer

=======================================

Thanks to Tim for this story:
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife
to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into
our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use
it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to
her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at a speed of at least 30mph for it
to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror
coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have
been a bit clearer with my directions.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Tongue Twister
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in
June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case
it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was
not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that
the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be  possible that
the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We  think, however,
that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott,  but Nott. Anyway it
is hard to tell who was shot and who was not.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an ice cream vendor in Benton, Michigan Wrong Flavor! July 6, 2007 - Benton Township, Michigan - AP Southwestern Michigan authorities say they arrested an ice cream truck operator who was selling marijuana along with his frozen desserts. After authorities got tips about the alleged pot-peddler, a deputy "heard jingling bells" about 2 p.m. Thursday and saw the ice cream truck entering a mobile home park, Berrien County sheriff's Lt. Keith Hafer said in a written statement. Deputy John Hopkins stopped the truck, spoke with the driver and "detected the odour of marijuana coming from the truck (along with tutti-frutti and a couple other flavours) ," Hafer wrote. Authorities searched the van and found several packages of marijuana under the dashboard, the statement said. The 36-year-old suspect was jailed while awaiting arraignment on charges of marijuana possession with intent to deliver and maintaining a drug vehicle. He also faces an outstanding warrant for skipping child support, Hafer said. Authorities released the vehicle to the vending company "in spite of an effort by Narcotics Officers to devise a way to forfeit the vehicle and its icy cold treats," Hafer said. He said police would seek revocation of the company's license to operate in Benton Township. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 61-ap.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks for Sandie for sending this picture: =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this one: A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was. .......... God I miss him. "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "Your're with the "GOVERNMENT"... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCR....D." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Shortcut to Quarantine Dear Webby By golly, it worked! I had a ton of quarantined files that I ditched.....you might want to remind folks to delete their recycle bin too! Thanks for the heads up on this one! I would love to have a short cut on my desktop to that particular file....can I just right click and make a shortcut while in the last file (quarantine)? Carol Dear Carol No, making a shortcut to a quarantined virus is not a good idea. Just write a bat with a plain text editor like NoteMaid or Notepad. Start a new file, save it to C:\ as maq.bat If you are using Notepad, make sure it doesn't rename it to maq.bat.txt Into it paste these lines, what is between the double lines, without the double lines: ====================================== @echo off REM maq.bat to clean the McAfee Quarantine C: REM one long line between this and the next REM cd C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\McAfee\VirusScan\Quarantine\ REM make sure above line is on ONE line dir pause del /F /Q *.* echo McAfee Quarantine cleaned pause ====================================== The only critical part is to make sure that the line, that starts with cd C:\, is not line-wrapped into two lines. Save it and find it with Explorer. It SHOULD be in C:\ Make a shortcut to it and drag that to the desktop. Here is what it does: When you click it, it opens a DOS session Turns the echo off and does not echo REMarks and comands onto the screen, just the results Then it goes to where the stuff is. Next it shows you a directory listing, just for your amusement and edification The PAUSE waits for a key press, so that the listing doesn't just go away unseen. Then it force deletes all the viruses and crap, tells you what it has done and waits for your keypress then it goes away. You could strip the REMarks, the dir and the pauses out, but if you ever need to modify it, or write something similar, then you will be glad you got those "educational" lines in there. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos uly 2, 2007 - Lake Havasu, Arizona - AP A woman who works as a makeup artist and grocery store deli clerk found $20,000 at a bank's drive-up depository, then calmly walked into the bank and turned over the cash. Linda Hatch said her mind raced in the seconds after she found the two $10,000 bundles in a plastic deposit tube. ''Am I in the middle of a bank robbery ... a drug bust, is someone going to pick up the money?'' Hatch said of the June 25 find. ''I was like, 'Oh my gosh. What do I do?''' Hatch, who owns a permanent makeup business in Lake Havasu City and moonlights at an Albertsons store, said the bank teller she approached was just as confused about what to do. ''She looked at me like, 'What is this?''' Hatch said. Hatch said she filed a police report in the days after turning over the cash, and hasn't been told by the bank if the rightful owner has ever surfaced. Bank employees declined to comment. Hatch, said she was ''shaken for five hours'' after the discovery, but has no second thoughts about turning in the cash. ''It's not enough money to move to Mexico,'' she said with a laugh. http://www.happynews.com/news/722007/wo ... t-tube.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baby Food Jars For Small Items Baby food jars are great for storing small nails, screws and other items so that they are easy to see. You can attach the metal lids to the underside of a shelf, the jars can then hang from the shelf and be seen easily. When I was living in a hastily built cabin in the Yukon while rebuilding the house, that had burned down, I used a similar system. I trimmed a small log to took like a 6-sided banister post, and suspended it between two "L" brackets with a big screw in each end. Each of the six sides held a different group of items, and I could just turn it to whichever side I needed. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam.. I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!" ============================================= HOT BOTTOM He was a mean monster. Standing at least 20 feet tall, teeth the size of loaves of bread, breath like a pig stall, plus a tail that swished back and forth causing them to run for cover. He liked to swat them, hold them with one paw while they cried in terror. His huge green eyes would shine in gleeful delight when was able to get past mama to maul them. The monster was a cat called Slugger. He loved to pick on three Chihuahua puppies. He'd wait until Mini, the mother dog left her babies alone, then creep up to their box, intent on terrorizing her pups From their tiny size he looked enormous. Mini would race back to defend her little ones. The cat always left before she arrived. The pups grew until they were able to go through the doggie door into the great outside. Slugger woke up from a nap, looked around for Mini, then made a lurch through the door to catch a puppy. He got halfway through, heaved, twisted, shoved, but he was stuck. This presented a wonderful chance for the puppies to get up close and personal, barking and nipping his face. Slugger had to take the punishment. He heard Mini's claws on the floor behind him.She could hear her excited babies on the other side of the door, She did what dogs do. She looked at the fat rump on that dreadful cat, and bit, hard, several times. Slugger felt his bottom being stabbed. Making a supreme effort, he lunged through the door, soaring into a tree to sulk. It would be a long time before he forgot about the diminutive little mother dog with fire in her veins, and a bite that felt like he had sat in a hornet's nest. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The "BUT FIRST" Syndrome. We all have it. You decide to do the laundry. So you start down the stairs with the laundry, but then you see the newspapers on the table. OK, you'll do the laundry......... BUT FIRST you decide to put the newspapers away. On your way to put the newspapers away, you notice the mail on the table. OK, you'll put the newspapers away........ BUT FIRST you'll pay that bill that needs to be paid. You look for the checkbook. Oops... there's the baby's bottle from yesterday on the floor. OK, you'll pay the bill........ BUT FIRST you need to put the bottle in the sink. You head for the kitchen. There's the remote for the TV. What's it doing in here? OK, you'll put the bottle in the sink..... BUT FIRST you need to put the remote away. Head for the TV room. Aaagh!!! stepped on the cat! Cat needs to be fed. OK, you'll put the remote away... BUT FIRST you need to feed the cat. At the end of the day...... The laundry is not done; newspapers are still on the floor; baby's bottle is on the table; bills are still unpaid; checkbook is still lost; cat ate the remote control....... And when you stop to figure out how come nothing got done all day, you are baffled because......you know you were busy ALL DAY!! ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Rila Monastery
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: How to dump the quarantine 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 7, 2007
======================================

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness,
and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not
balanced by sadness.
--- Carl Jung

"According to a new study, children that snore get lower
grades...especially if they're snoring in class."
--- Jay Leno

=======================================

Sorry about the typo yesterday in the link to the SpamCops.
there is no "s" at the end:
http://spamcop.net

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after
having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to
have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot
my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay
for them if you just leave me alone."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to McDonalds employees in Rockford, Illinois Not helpful at all! July 4, 2007 - Rockford, Illinois - CBS A genetic syndrome has left Illinois resident Dawn Larson without hands or fully developed arms. Larson has learned to lead a full life by using her feet. She's even able to drive. She says she's never had a problem in public until she went through a McDonald's drive-thru in Rockford last fall. Normally, Larson first gives the cashier her debit card to pay for the order and then grabs the food and drink with both feet. But at McDonald's she said they took her money at one window but wouldn't give her the food at the next window. Larson says she felt degraded. "I reached my foot out the window to grab the food," says Larson. "She set the food down, raised her hands up really high in the air and slammed them down on the counter. This was like violently." "'I am not doing this,' she screamed that at me, 'Absolutely not doin' this.'" The restaurant offered her a $10 gift certificate. She then contacted a lawyer and two months later experienced the same thing at a different Rockford McDonald's. Now she's suing the company for $4 million and wants it to improve employee training. "She was asking for no special accommodations, she just wanted to be treated like everyone else. And that's where I believe McDonald's certainly violated her rights," said Laurel Wykes Smith, Dawn's Attorney. McDonald's says it can't comment on Larson's lawsuit but it has a strict policy against any discrimination in its restaurants. http://cbs2chicago.com/watercooler/wate ... 31037.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks for Deeli for sending this picture: =========================================== Thanks to Susan for this story: After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nicole Re: McAfee Quarantine Dear Webby I have had this computer for a bit over 4 years and lately it has gotten rather sluggish, especially doing a file search. When I was playing with DisKeeper trying to improve things, it told me that the File Allocation Table was too full. While trying to find out what filled that up with too many files, I eventually thought of McAfee quarantining all the crap that comes in the mail these days. No matter how hard or where I looked, there is no way to turn that quarantine off, and the only way to delete the Gazillion of files quarantined in 4 1/2 years is one at a time, IF the sheer number of them does not overwhelm the Security center. Well, it does! Why is that, and how do I get around that klutz-up? Nicole Dear Nicole I couldn't find an answer either, until I went onto some forums and asked. It seems that there is too much "64K Thinking" at McAfee. (Like Bill Gates once thought that 64 K was plenty of RAM for a computer). McAfee did not forsee the huge number of viruses and similar crap, that we get these days, and that there would be a need to clean out the quarantine when it reaches a certain level. They also failed to realize, that deleting files from the quarantine one at a time is kinda stupid if you are dealing with over 100,000 files. Well, on the forum I found out that the files are in C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\McAfee\VirusScan\Quarantine Windows Explorer usually can't deal with directories with that many files. You can try deleting small bunches at a time until you have whittled it down to the point where you can delete the rest of them in one shot. If you can't whittle them down, go to DOS. Either use my old trick for making Explorer open a DOS window at the spot that you look at with Explorer, or do it manually (START, run, cmd) and type in cd C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\McAfee\VirusScan\Quarantine Because of the lame brained spaces in those directory names, you may have to try a few times. Once you are there, you can try the command dir That will show you how many files you got in there. Scary! After that, make double sure you are indeed in that folder, and type del /F /Q *.* That will delete all those files, quietly and without asking you if you are sure. It will take some time, but eventually the prompt will return. You can try dir again, and see that they are indeed all gone. Don't be surprised if your computer will act a lot snappier and faster after that. Naturally, I tried it myself, before passing on the information. I had 85,000 files in my Quarantine. To automate that rigamarole, I wrote a little bat and now I can dump the quarantine with a click on an icon. If you are interested in how to write that bat, let me know and I'll show you tomorrow. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 6, 2007 - Cardiff, Wales - Ananova Postman Ryan Davenport made a special delivery while on his usual round in South Wales - a baby. It happened when he reached the home of Melanie Newman on the St Mellon's estate in Cardiff, reports Sky News. The mother-of-three flung open the front door and shouted: "Help me! My baby is arriving!" Mr. Davenport, 27, immediately called for an ambulance on his mobile phone. But it soon became clear that the baby had no intention of waiting for the paramedics to arrive. As a result the postie turned midwife and, taking medical advice over the phone, delivered the baby himself. The child, named Sophie, was born safely in the hallway of her mother's home in Clos Maerun. Although three weeks premature, she weighed a healthy 6lbs 6oz. "I don't know what I would have done if Ryan hadn't come along," said 33-year-old Ms Newman. "I just shouted to him to come and help me. He was brilliant." Mr. Davenport said: "It all happened so quickly - one minute I was delivering mail, the next minute I was delivering a baby." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2402764.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Dishes Unstuck When two dishes are stuck, one nested in the other, pour cold water in the top dish while dipping the bottom dish in warm water. The warm water will make the bottom dish expand while the top dish contracts. Works with glasses and bowls.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Thanks to Martin for this: Subject: There's a Republican on my porch This little old lady calls 911 When the operator answers, she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away. There's a danged Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself." "What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a danged Republican on my front porch playing with himself; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated. "Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican?" "Because, you danged fool, if he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody. ============================================= SOGGY SNACK "You need to use a lot of sunblock, or you'll burn as red as an apple." Grandma warned her two grand sons. She slathered the boys with the stuff then sent them out to play. They wanted grandpa to take them fishing. However he was sound asleep in the sun, snoring in his hammock. The boys decided to go next door to play instead of waking the old fellow. Four hours later, they returned finding one of Grandma's pet goats in the yard. The nanny goat was chewing contentedly, under Grandpa's hammock. Approaching the hammock, they saw something that made them stop in their tracks. They took another horrified look, then raced to the house crying. They almost knocked grandma over. "You have to come get Grandpa, " they sobbed. "His hair has melted right off his head." both boys were shaking, "You should see his head, it's burned bright red." All three rushed out to find that indeed Grandpas head glowed like a neon light. He woke up, reaching up to touch his head, felt around for a bit then bellowed, "Where is it, did you boys, take it?" The boys were baffled. Take what? Grandma spotted the goat under the hammock. Her grandsons were disgusted when she reached into the goats mouth hauling out a soggy mess. She held it up laughing, "You silly old fool." she grinned wickedly, "I warned you that sooner or later something would happen if you insisted on wearing a toupee. Guess nanny goat wanted a snack!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he intoned as he wrote on his form. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Japanese Pagodas
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Report scams 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 6, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
======================================

No opera plot can be sensible,
for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.
--- W. H. Auden


Ask yourself the easy questions and you’ll have a hard life,
ask yourself the hard questions and you’ll have an easier life!
— Peter Thomson:

=======================================

Thanks to Nari for bringing back this classic:

I was a Bible seller a few years ago when I was down on my
luck a bit. Trying to sell Bibles on the corner was tough and
I wasn't doing too well when this young fellow with a really
bad stutter came up to me and said,
"Wha wha what are you, you, try try trying to s s s sell?"

I said I'm selling Bibles and I'm not doing too well.
Well with that he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
"C c c can I t t ttake a couple and s s s sell them them
d d door to d d door for you?" he asked.

So I gave him three Bibles and he was off, but only for
twenty minutes and he was back cash in hand, amazing!
So with no hesitation he was off with six more, and again
about half an hour later, all gone! Incredible, too good to
be true, so I thought I'd follow him and see what his
secret was!

He tapped on the door of his next house and I heard him
say to the householder,"W ww wo wou would you you you
li li li like t t t to b b b buy a B B BIble or would y y y you
you you li li li like like m m me t t t ta read it t t to you?!!

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb immediately to
four thousand feet for noise abatement."

Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating
excess noise at three thousand feet?"

Tower: "At four thousand feet, you will miss
that ugly helicopter ahead of you. They make a
big racket when you hit them."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 53-year-old Anthony Zuniga Mail Thief! July 3, 2007 - Houston, Texas - AP A federal judge in Houston has ordered a year and a-half in prison for a now-former postal clerk in a DVD-by-mail theft investigation. Authorities accused 53-year-old Anthony Zuniga of Houston of swiping thousands of movies from the mail system. Zuniga was convicted of two counts of mail theft by a postal employee. He also was sentenced Monday to three years probation and must pay a $4,000 fine. Netflix last year notified the U.S. Postal Service about an unusually high number of DVDs missing from a certain post office box. Investigators said Zuniga was stationed at that center. Prosecutors said surveillance showed Zuniga stealing 122 DVDs from the post office. On Aug. 3, 2006, inspectors observed Zuniga dumping a tub of Netflix and Blockbuster DVDs into a plastic bag and then leaving the postal facility with the plastic bag. Zuniga's vehicle was stopped as it was exiting the parking lot and inspectors found the plastic bag containing the DVDs on the floor of the vehicle. The bag contained 122 DVDs. After an interview with postal inspectors, Zuniga consented to a search of his home. Inside the home, inspectors found 8,177 stolen pieces of mail -- including 5,937 Netflix DVDs and 1,497 Blockbuster DVDs. Zuniga, who had been a Postal Service employee since 1974, resigned his job after being caught stealing the DVDs. http://www.local6.com/news/13612024/detail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Hi Webby- Love your newsletter. I was trying to take a picture of one of our Ranunculus flowers, when my dog decided to smell the camera instead of the flower. I thought your readers might find the picture funny. Hope you have an wonderful day, Ana =========================================== Old man Zack had an incredible mule. They had been together for years and stayed pretty much to themselves. One day, Zack and his mule were walking down the road when a passerby asked if Zack needed a ride to town. Zack accepted the offer and the driver asked, "What about your mule?" Zack said, "Oh, don't worry about him. He'll keep up." Then Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The driver was a little cruel and decided to speed up a little. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55 mph. The driver accelerated and the mule and stayed with them. They reached 70 miles per hour and the mule was still right behind them. The driver couldn't believe this. He turned to Zack and said, "I'm worried about your mule. His tongue is hanging out." Zack said, "Which way?" The driver said, "Left." And Zack said, "Well, stay in this lane, he's about to pass." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== Today I'll show you a typical help request of the type that I answer hundreds of during the day. Isn't it amazing what some people do to amuse me? From the Tech Support Pits: From: typical NON-subsriber Re: Visitors help Request Name: Loraine e-mail: ****@cheerful.com Tried to: Pick up a Postcard Cards from: http://91.146.15.110/?6caca43e297e646d1deed435601e5ee Had an error: none Comments: Depending on what it says and whom it's from, I may need this cared in a court case. Thanks for the help. The message I get when I attempt to open it and the email. "The server at 91.146.15.110 is taking too long to respond." Complete copy of email: From: "MyPostcards.Com" .............. Dear Lorraine Yes, it would be great if you took that spoof to court! You can easily get all the information you need if you 1) reveal the headers of that spoof mail 2) paste that information to the Spamcops at http://spamcop.net 3) print the analysis report that they will provide. 4) provide that analysis report and the original spoof to your lawyer. Even if your lawyer discourages you from suing the Russian spoofer, (that IP number is registered in Russia), you will still gain a lot of insight when you look at the analysis report from the Spamcops. By the way, Mypostcards.com sells postcard SOFTWARE, but doesn't send postcards. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 1, 2007 - Miami, Florida - AP A 105-year-old Cuban-born man who had at least one pending wish finally had it fulfilled _ he became a U.S. citizen. Jose Temprana celebrated by sipping champagne with friends at the Hispanic Community Center in Miami on Friday. ''I feel different,'' said Temprana, who served 30 years in Cuban jails. ''Satisfied, very happy. It was worth the wait.'' Temprana has the vitality of a younger man. Nicknamed ''El Nino'' (The Boy), he rides his scooter to the store to play the lottery, rolls his own cigars, drinks whiskey with neighbors and has a girlfriend. ''He's just got a great spirit,'' said his neighbor Patti Hernandez. ''Everybody's going, 'Come on, he can't really be that old.''' Temprana was born in the Cuban province of Pinar del Rio on Sept. 26, 1901. He worked as a sponge diver and lobster fisherman and had eight children with his first wife, who died giving birth to the youngest. He remarried, and his second wife died in 2002. In 1964, he was imprisoned in Cuba for smuggling weapons from the United States into the island for an insurrection against Fidel Castro. Temprana got out at age 93, applied for a humanitarian visa and flew to Miami. Once here, he worked to get his citizenship but fell short twice. ''I've wanted ... it since I was 8 or 10 years old,'' Temprana said. http://www.happynews.com/news/712007/ma ... itizen.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reduce Static On Carpets To cut down on those annoying static shocks from walking on your carpet, mix 1 part fabric softener to 5 parts water in a clean spray bottle. Put the spray bottle on its widest setting and spray your carpet with a light mist. That makes your hallways smell nice, but on some carpets may increase the static when the water dries. Plus it can get rather expensive! Most hotels, that have static problems on long hallways, use a bottle cap full of vinegar in a quart sprayer and the rest of it filled with water. That is the sorta familiar, but hard to indentify, fresh scent that you smell in the hallways of many of the better hotels. At a dollar per gallon it's also a lot cheaper. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the guy is in the restaurant flirting at the waitress, don't wait any longer." ============================================= A few questions I've been asked about dogs. Q. Why does our family dog claim our favourite chair as his own. A. Same reason you do. It's probably soft and comfortable, nice cushions or a blanket to cuddle into. The chair is likely placed in a spot where there aren't any drafts, or beside a window so he can watch the world go by. But more likely, because the chair smells like you. Sitting in your favourite chair, when you're not around comforts him so he's not quite as lonely. Learn to share. Q. Do dogs have bellybuttons? A. Yes, but you'll have to look really closely to find it. It's the same as with humans, a dog's bellybutton marks the spot where the umbilical cord was attached before he was born. Q. I have two long haired Persian cats. My small dog insists on sleeping with them, and is quite aggressive about sharing their bed. Should I stop him from doing this? The cats lick him, I don't think that is good for them. A. Now that's one smart dog! If the cat's are allowing him to join them in their space they can't be all that concerned. He gets to sleep with soft fluffy cushions that vibrate. Cat's like to groom, if they are in grooming 'mode' he's going to get scrubbed. It sounds like the three have it all worked out. Just enjoy. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A middle aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking." The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pretty Things
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Difference between spam and spoof 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 5, 2007
======================================

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.
--- Edith Wharton

=======================================

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of
the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational
psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained
that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks
visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-
grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a
living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free pro-
fessional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine
and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising
activity. One ambitious young man knocked on a door and a
sour-faced, older lady came to the door and barked out, "What
do you want, Sonny?"

"D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, ma'am?"

"Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who
would drink beer?" replied the lady.

"S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar
bottles?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael and April Moylan, of West Palm beach, FL Big OOOPS June 28, 2007 - West Palm Beach, Florida- UPI A Florida man's headaches may be greater than the one caused by the bullet doctors found in his head -- he could face criminal charges. While Michael Eugene Moylan, 45 of St. Lucie County was hospitalized in stable condition Wednesday pending surgery, police say he could wind up being charged with unlawful firearm possession by a convicted felon, the Palm Beach Post reports. Moylan had walked into a West Palm Beach hospital Tuesday seeking treatment for his wound. Police questioned him and his wife, April, 39, about how the shooting took place and apparently got several versions, the newspaper said. Finally, Moylan told investigators his wife was startled when the alarm in their home went off and she shot him with the loaded .38-caliber revolver she keeps under her pillow while she sleeps. April Moylan had previous felony conviction and so she was jailed on a firearm possession charge. Michael Moylan also has a lengthy arrest record -- mostly for drunken driving and probation violations -- and authorities were considering charging him in the shooting incident, as well. http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-207648-700045 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture of a water spout, a tornado over water that she saw today. When they hit land and instead of water pull up car ports, puthouses and roofs, they widen out to regular tornados. =========================================== I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a sick bag. After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Don Re: Is spoof and spam the same? Dear Webby Is " spoof " and " spam " the same thing ? Thanks for writing a great newsletter Don, " The Big Guy " Dear Don Spam is just junkmail, for example some idiot trying to sell you breast enlargement pills or snake oil fuel enhancers, or similar useless stuff. A spoof is a malicious spam, for example those phony ebay and PayPal notices, that try to con you into donating your user name and password, or phony postcard pick-up notices from unidentified senders like "a classmate" or "a worshipper". Those infext your computer with a virus if you click on them. If you don't have MailWasher, then reveal the headers on anything the slightest bit suspicious and get the hang of reading the gobbledigook in the header. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 1, 2007 - Manila, Philippines - AP He needed the money for his sick wife and overdue rent, but honesty prevented a motorcycle taxi driver from keeping $17,000 left behind by a passenger. Iluminado Boc returned the money to police in Tagbilaran city on central Bohol Island last week, the Philippine Daily Inquirer reported Monday. The woman who lost the bag of cash had just reported it to police when Boc showed up at the precinct. "It was not mine," Boc was quoted as saying. Boc, 45, said he was struggling financially because his wife was taken to a hospital the same day he found the money, and they had unpaid rent. The owner rewarded him with $32 - about seven times what a motorcycle taxi driver makes a day. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... 6KG01.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Repairing Holes in Wood Use a mixture of wood glue and sawdust to fill holes in wood furniture or molding. If you can use sawdust from the same wood, or something similar, the repair will be less noticeable when you stain it. Be very careful in your selection of glue! Most modern carpenter's glues will shed stain lilke butter sheds water. Use the finest sanding dust that you can get by sanding the back of the same wood, and make glue with regular, unbleached flour and water. Pour or smear some of it into the hole, then mix the rest with the sanding dust and tamp the mixture into the hole. Tamp it very hard and a bit higher than the surrounding wood, and let it dry overnight or longer. After sanding it, it will blend in nicely, and take a stain just like real wood. The same precaution is also important if you use dowels to professionally repair chairs or other furniture. Either use old fashioned hide glue or flour glue, or mask the wood around the dowel hole with masking tape or a quick swipe with a candle. If a bit of glue oozes out around the dowel, and it usually does, you wind up with a stain-proof spot or tear if you used white or yellow carpenter's glue. Carpenter's glue is for rough carpentry, not for fine furniture. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, Judge, when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later...." ============================================= SHAGGY MOOD BOOST I was among the very tired passengers on a 40 hour long bus trip. We had stopped at a depot to connect with the next bus and faced a 5 hour wait. The restaurant was closed, the snack machine broken, kids were wailing, several older people looked exhausted. We were cranky, hungry, fed up, squabbles were breaking out, tempers beginning to flare. An outside door was open. In walked a shaggy dog. He stood looking at us then walked over to the small group of seniors. They patted him, smiled, telling him what a fine fellow he was. Next he went to the kids who were rebelling out of sheer boredom and tiredness. The dog raced up and down the depot with them, allowing the kids to drag him to the floor to wrestle. It didn't take long before they fell asleep on a soft blanket. With a quiet manner he wandered around the room, visiting, playing, giving out doggie kisses, managing to soothe the tension. When the bus arrived, I asked a staff member about the dog. He shrugged, saying the dog had been coming in for years, usually at night when the wait was long. He always left people in a better frame of mood. I boarded the bus for the last leg of my journey, still smiling thinking of the perceptive animal. He had changed our moods from grumpy to friendly. Who else could accomplish so much, just by being a dog! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pretty Things
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: What to do about spoofs? 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 4, 2007
Happy Independence Day!
======================================

The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes.
--- Benjamin Disraeli

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
however measured or far away."
--- Henry David Thoreau

=======================================

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he
arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had
forgotten his false teeth.  Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I
forgot my teeth."


The man said, "No problem."


With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false
teeth.  "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them.  "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of
false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address.  After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.  Where is your office?  I've
been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Amy and Jamie are Old Friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.
Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more
beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Duane L. Williams, of Penn Hills, PA Rude or insane? June 29, 2007 - Penn Hills, Pennsylvania -AP A man who thought the clerk at a fast-food drive-through was rude for not saying "please" and "thank you" punched her in the face, police said. Duane L. Williams, angered by what he felt was the clerk's rudeness, walked into the store to complain just before 8 p.m. Wednesday, Penn Hills police Chief Howard Burton said Friday. Before the manager could meet with Williams, he walked back outside, pushed open the drive-through window and punched the 19-year-old woman in the face. The clerk was bruised, but not badly hurt, Burton said. "He didn't like the girl's attitude because she didn't say 'please' and 'thank you,'" Burton said. Police filed charges of simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment Thursday, which were mailed to Williams with a summons to appear in court, Burton said. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200706 ... RL900.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture of Troy Landwehr and the chese carving he was commissioned to create by Cheez-It =========================================== SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread- consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless AlGorian statistical babbling. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elizabeth Re: What to do about spoofs Dear Webby There is a real epidemic of spoofs coming into my mail box. I know they are just caused by a virus, or rather by people who are too stupid to protect their machines from viruses, and I don't blame ebay or PayPal or Mypostcards or Hallmark or Citibank for being spoofed about, but isn't there something that can be done about it? We can put people into space and eavesdrop on terrorists, you'd think these scammers could be nailed with today's technology! I know the government is useless and the politicians are busy trying to guarantee themselves a warm place to shit and have other prioities than the tax payers, but can't the IT industry come up with a solution? Yeah, I know, look at Vista! Some solution! In the meantime, what do YOU suggest for dealing with this unholy crap? Elizabeth Dear Elizabeth You can post your spoofs to http://spamcop.net. They will analyze them, show you are detailed report, and give you the opportunity to complain to the ISP of the spoofer with a single click. The spamcops will protect your identity and vouch that your complaint is valid. Yes, I know that the government COULD use the spamcops to identify the scammers, but as you said, they have other priorities, and most likely some bleeding heart judges would make identifying scammers just as illegal as eavesdropping on terrorists. As mentioned before, I use Mailwasher. It recognizes those spoofs and marks them as KNOWN and to be deleted. When you hit F6 to process, it dumps them without ever downloading more than the header. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 7, 2007 - San Diego, California - Gimundo/CNN San Diego resident Robert Wilkie Jr. and his wife, La Dona, enjoy visiting Casino Pauma in nearby Valley Center a couple of times a month. Robert always plays the penny slots. This week, after he had deposited about $245 worth of pennies, the “Star Wars” machine locked up and instructed him to “See attendant.” There were no flashing lights, no sirens. It took five hours for casino technicians to verify that Wilkie had won the $3.2 million progressive jackpot. It was the biggest ever for penny slots in California. Wilkie, a 76-year-old great grandfather and Navy veteran, said he plans to pay off the house and help out his 84-year-old sister. He also said his gambling days are not over. “We'll be coming back to Pauma quite a bit to try to give them back the money that we took from them,” he said.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Unusual Wrapping Ideas Use linens or towels to wrap gifts and the wrapping will be a nice gift too. You also can use something as simple as a car washing chamois.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help" "Sure it does, " he says, "it's the only way I can see the numbers." ============================================= THAT IS MY BABY! We've all seen mama dogs or cats adopt a different species to nurse, or raise. What happens when a kitty and a dog in the same house decide they want the same baby? It gets really weird when the "baby" is a velvet cushion. Darby the dog, had raised her litter of two pups. Molly a pretty tabby, seemed relieved when her kittens left the nest. It began when Molly adopted the velvet cushion, fussing over it like it was a kitten. Darby, dragged the thing away to her box. She mothered it. The cat was royally ticked off. That cushion was a member of "her" family, she wanted it back At first the owners were highly amused with the tug of war. Until it lasted into the night. They removed the cushion. That only sent both dog and cat into baby withdrawal. Both critters protested, loudly. They fought. It was getting ugly. The blamed the other for the loss of their velvet baby. Enough! Their humans tossed the cushion back. It only caused more ruckus. Nothing left to do but give each animal a cushion. The uproar continued. The teenager of the house stumbled out of bed, picked up cat, dog, the two cushions, took them into his bedroom, shut the door..then silence. Morning came to find dog and cat curled together. Fake babies forgotten. I love the fact that it took a sleepy teenager to solve the problem. His parents wanted to know how he knew what to do. He gave them a long stare, "Well, that's what you two do." They blushed when he added, "When you guys fight, one night in the bedroom sure stops the noise around here!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Liz for his story: To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test kit. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared to the clerk when I waddled up nine months pregnant to pay for the kit. "Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby." ========================================
Thanks to Deeli for today's Bonus Link: One Language
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Too large fonts 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 3, 2007
======================================

"The universe is change...Our life is what our thoughts make it"
--- Marcus Aurelius, Roman Empoeror

=======================================

 Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible
 and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he
 was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad
 language; he even threatened me!"

 "How did you meet this fellow?" He asked, very concerned.

 She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh
blood, and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it.  He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them
to please leave him alone.  However, it was clear that he wasn't going
to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep
forest.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melissa Dunning, 31, Santa Barbara, California Dopey Teacher June 29, 2007 - Santa Barbara, California - AP A Goleta Valley Junior High School teacher is facing charges for allegedly smoking marijuana with two students. Melissa Dunning, 31, was charged Wednesday with two counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and one count of furnishing marijuana. She faces arraignment July 3. The parents of a 14-year-old student at the school told sheriff's deputies on May 31 that they suspected their son and the teacher had been smoking pot, Sgt. Erik Raney said. Dunning had tutored the boy at her home. Investigators said Dunning smoked pot with the teen on three occasions. A second 14-year-old student participated one of those time, Raney said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0706 ... eacher_pot ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Donnie for sending this picture of hibiscus. =========================================== A Sunday school teacher was instructing her class. Just before she dismissed them to go to church she asked them, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny was quick to blurt out what he was certain was the correct answer, "Because people are sleeping!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kitty Re: No pictures and large fonts Dear Webby i havent been on line over a month. i've been out of town with my sister who is verry sick with Cancer. and now i canot see the pictures on your Dear webby page. :( and there is so much mail Grrrrr. i was telling my younger sister about you. and she has a question for you. she knows verry little about computers. and i canot help her. on her pc. the icons ate huge. and i canot find her pgograms. fron the start. help.... i hope you have a super nice 4th. Dear Kitty I am forwarding your letter to the Express Empress, because I have no clue about Outlook Express. Re your sister: Sounds like her machine is running in SAFE mode. Tell her to reboot and choose "Normal". Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 10, 2007 - Yuma, Arizona - AP An 81-year-old man has set off on a 3,200-kilometre bicycle ride around Arizona's perimeter. Bill Anderson of Yuma plans to complete the trip in 14 to 16 days. He is riding to raise money for Yuma's Crossroads Mission, which provides shelter, meals, showers and clothing to the homeless. Last year, Anderson rode from the Mexican border to the Canadian line and back again to raise money. In 2004, he made two trips for the mission: one from Canada to Mexico and another from San Diego to Jacksonville Beach, Florida. Anderson left Yuma on Tuesday in his most recent ride. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 31-ap.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cooking Different Cuts of Meat Tough cuts of meat are best cooked with moisture like stewing or using a slow cooker. The moisture will soften tough cuts of meat and make them more appetizing. Tender cuts of meat should be cooked with dry heat by pan frying, barbecuing or oven roasting.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy." "Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends. "I don't know yet," the boy replied. "but it sure was the toughest spelling test I ever had!" ============================================= LION HEARTED The police in a sleepy Alberta town were notified that a very panicked citizen was at a local garage screaming in terror. When they arrived, they met the man, who had peed his pants, could hardly stand, while he pointed at a garage. They could detect no smell of alcohol. The man blithered there was a was a wild lion loose in that garage. The monster had chased him, snarling. He was so frightened the officers took him seriously, drawing their guns, crept cautiously into the garage After a few minutes they came out, hanging onto each other, barely able to talk for laughing. They called the man over. "We found your lion, take a look." Out walked the most embarrassed dog in the world. He was the garage guard dog. It was painful to look at him. Yellow, huge, he had once sported long shaggy hair. The owner had taken him to a groomer to be shaved. He had also given the groomer a bottle of strong homemade wine. The groomer went creative. He shaved the poor dog, leaving a huge ruff around his neck, a puff on the end of the tail, plus styled huge furry boots on his feet. He did indeed look like a lion. Sort of. A crowd gathered, everyone shaking with mirth. The lion dog had enough. He opened his mouth and roared. The crowd scattered, the cops leaped into their car. The owner walked out of the garage, wiping his hands on a greasy rag. He grinned at the dog, "Atta boy, you should get a medal for bravery under fire." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Bob was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was his first time in a casino, and he wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." he said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" he asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Biggest Bubble
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Memory for Vista 

Good Morning !
Monday,  July 2, 2007
======================================

"Obstacles cannot crush me,
every obstacle yields to stern resolve.
He, who is fixed to a star does not change his mind."
--- Leonardo da Vinci

=======================================

A man goes to the eye doctor.
The receptionist asks him why he is there.

The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front
of my eyes."

The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen an
Optometrist?"
The man replies, "No, just spots."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

 George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for
 his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight
 was pretty rough, and, after a while, George called off the
 jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base,
 and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of
 the neophytes got airsick.

 "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't
 handle the smooth landing?" asked George.

 "Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out
 of planes. We've never actually landed before."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Social Security in Pennsylvania Undead Thanks to Great Granny Vi for this report June 28, 2007 - Lancaster County, Pennsylvania - Lancaster News Era For a guy who's been dead exactly four months and four days, Jim Johnson looks pretty darn good. The 63-year-old retired junior high science teacher lives with his wife (or "the grieving widow" as he sometimes calls her) and their cocker spaniel in a picture-pretty city row house. He's fit and smiling as he answers the door. But, truth to tell, all this death stuff is getting kind of wearing. Social Security declared Johnson dead back in February. Actually, he thinks it was a funeral director in Georgia, where he has no connection, who made the initial declaration. Sound confusing? You bet. So is the rest of the mess that's rained down on Johnson in the past few months. Johnson's bank debit card has been canceled twice. His name has been taken off a credit card account. An IRA account was alerted to not send him a monthly payment. A credit card he used while on a recent vacation had problems. And, since March, his Social Security checks either have been returned or not been deposited by his bank. Johnson has filled more than six pages with his neat handwriting, documenting each of the calls (30) and all of the visits (four) he's made to the local Social Security office and his bank, trying to get this mix-up sorted out. But notifying Social Security he was alive did not solve Johnson's problems. Johnson has ended up calling everyone he does financial business with, to notify them he is not dead, to prevent additional problems. In the meantime, Social Security has offered to send him a paper check, which he said he will take. But as of early today, he had not received, either in the mail or at his bank, the June check, which is now eight days late. http://local.lancasteronline.com/4/206196 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this animation of "Stinky". Stinky uses a rather smelly gas to inflate and eventually blow up the bud to reveal it's beautiful flower. =========================================== What is the one thing that all women at singles bars have in common? An untanned ring line on their ring finger. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: Memory for Vista Dear Webby My know-it-all hubby refused to listen to you and got a Vista machine. As you predicted, nothing works with it and we will have to get a new printer and scanner and fax. And it's slower than the 6 year old machine was. Now he claims it needs more memory! It has 2 GB of memory in it. The old machine had 512 MB, and even though it was getting slow, probably because of the hundreds of utilities and speeder-uppers he installed, it was fast enough for me. Will adding more memory do any good for that vista machine? Linda Dear Linda More memory won't help, but doubling from 2 GB to 4 would be quite expensive. If he wants speed, tell him to format it and put XP-SP2 on it. Maybe by the time Vista SP2 comes out, it will work acceptably, but it still has a long way to go before anybody, who is not trying to get rid of a Vista machine, or is a paid shill at a magazine with expensive Vista ads, will recommend it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 12, 2007 - Camden, New Jersey - AP Ozzy has been spared the death penalty, with a sentence of life behind bars without chance of parole. But instead of solitary confinement, the 7-year-old German shepherd could be allowed to hold a sort of jail trusty's job. Ozzy attacked a neighbor's child in April and was sent to an animal shelter. A municipal judge ordered that the dog be put down. However, Ozzy's owner, Kelly Allard of Somerdale, arranged an option: Ozzy could have life behind bars, assigned to patrol the perimeter at the privately run George W. Hill Correctional Facility near Media, Pa. He won't be allowed any contact with the public or inmates. Superior Court Judge John T. McNeill III agreed to the plan Monday, calling it "the right alternative." "He'll be in there until he dies," McNeill said. "Ozzy will not be adopted by a family. He will never be released to the public." http://www.kirotv.com/news/13488634/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 6Aempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preventing Dirt Under Your Finger Nails Here's an old trick for people who don't like to use gloves when they garden. Rub your finger nails over a bar of soap. Your nails will fill up with the soap and prevent dirt from building up. When you clean up, scrub your nails with a nail brush to easily remove the soap.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Morris staggered into the house at two o'clock in the morning. As he entered his bedroom, he found another man in bed with his wife. His wife pushed the man off her and demanded to know where Morris had been until two o'clock in he morning. Morris looked at his wife's lover and demanded, "Who in the heck is this guy, and what is he doing in bed with you?" The wife responded, "Don't you dare go changing the subject on me! Where in the heck have you been so late?" ============================================= IF THEY COULD ONLY TALK It is amazing how we talk to our dogs. I often wonder if dogs could answer, what they would say to us... Q To the dog, "Is that your poop on the floor?" A Dog, "No, it's like, duh, Santa Clause." Q "Who chewed up those couch cushions?" A "Um, the tooth fairy?" Q "Why do you always bark when I leave?" A " Cause then you give me soooo much attention, and I crave, I need attention." Q. "Why don't you ever come when I call you?" A "Why should I, you'll come to carry me home." Q." You've been in the garbage again, why do you do that?" A "I like it. Nice dirty, slimy, rotten stuff. Come here mom and I'll give you a nice slobbery kiss.' Q. "It's only a trip to the vets, why are you shaking so hard?" A "You'd shake too if someone stuck something up your bottom, then told you to relax!" Q "Do you have any idea of how much I love and need you?" A. "Aw, now I'm gonna have to cry. I wuff you too!!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine, and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sand Dunes
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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Dear Webby: Humor: Find IP address 

Good Morning !
Sunday,  July 1, 2007

Happy Canada Day!
======================================

Times have not become more violent.
They have just become more televised.
--- Marilyn Manson

An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.
--- Robert A. Humphrey

=======================================

Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck
and all they get away with are two sacks, so
they keep one each. After awhile they meet
again and one asks the other, "What did you
find in your sack?"


"Half a million bucks."


"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all
that cash?"


"I bought a house and a boat. How about
your sack?"


"Bah... mine was full o' bills"


"And what did you do with them?"


"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."


======================================


Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!


===========================================


A boy and his dad were playing with toy cars.  The father had the
police car and pretended to pull over the car that the boy was
playing with. "Do you have a drivers license?" he asked the boy.


"No," the boy answered seriously.


"Are you resisting arrest?" asked the father.


The boy hesitated, then said, "No, I'm not sleepy yet."


===========================================


Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chicago Airport Security What Security? CBS) CHICAGO “Fly At Your Own Risk” is a CBS 2 continuing undercover investigation at O’Hare Airport, and it just got even more alarming. Officials at O'Hare International Airport are refusing to interview with CBS 2 about our latest findings. The 2 Investigators have found more security breaches and a failure by authorities to investigate. O'Hare is one of the busiest airports in the nation, and may be one of the most vulnerable. The 2 Investigators have learned that 47 more employee access badges are missing, bringing the total we've discovered to 3,807 ­ the biggest security failure involving access badges ever to be exposed. "Doesn't surprise me,” said Marcia Pinkston. “I am surprised you didn't find more." Airport employees are allowed to go through a back gate. All they have to do is show their access badge. They are not searched. "It's really scary just thinking that anyone can go into secure areas of O’Hare,” Pinkston said. http://cbs2chicago.com/homepage/local_s ... 24625.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture of her Cataylaya Orchid. =========================================== On her way back from the concession stand, Sally asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot before?" Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did." The woman nodded. "Oh good. Then this is my row." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alex Re: Find my IP number Dear Webby I am on dial-up and my IP number is dynamically assigned. How do I find out what my current IP number is? Thanks Alex Dear Alex browse to http://whatismyip.com/ That site will show you your current IP number. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Pub becomes embassy to beat cig ban Landlord Bob Beech is getting round next week's ciggie ban by turning his bar into an embassy for a remote Caribbean island. He claims the Wellington Arms in Southampton will be the only pub in Britain to allow smoking after Sunday - by becoming the UK base for tiny, uninhabited Redonda. Earlier this month a senior "attache" to its ruler named it as the UK consulate for the island, which is 35 miles off Antigua. As an embassy, it would be classed as "foreign soil", allowing smokers a haven - as well as VAT-free cheap drinks, reports The Sun. The attache who granted consulate status is Redonda's official cardinal Edward Elder - a regular at the pub. Cardinal Elder, 72, said: "We'll be declaring our credentials to the Queen and will see what happens." Redonda's ruler is King Robert the Bald, 60, who lives on Antigua. The Canadian-born novelist, who recently granted a knighthood to landlord Bob, regularly sails his yacht to survey his one-mile square kingdom. Bob said of beating the fags ban: "I have a legal team looking into the legalities at the moment but I am confident." The Department of Health admitted: "The smoke-free law will not be enforceable against premises that have diplomatic status." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2391027.html?menu
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 6Aempress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Guacamole When storing guacamole, keep it from turning brown by placing plastic wrap directly on top of the guacamole. Smooth the plastic wrap so there are no air bubbles.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole..." ============================================= GOTTA FIND MY MOM Rusty was a terrier type dog adopted from a dog pound. He had been seriously abused. When his new owner, Bonnie took him into her home, he bonded to her immediately. When she went anywhere, he had to follow. At times this presented a huge problem. She went into a grocery store, leaving Rusty with her husband in the car. The second she was out of sight, the dog jumped out the window to follow his new mom. Into the store he went. Whoops, didn't mean to knock over the display of cereal boxes. Up and down each isle he searched. He found the dog goodies, helped himself to a nice pigs ear, bit into a bag of dog kibble. Wow, that stuff runs out fast! He could smell meat. It was easy for him to jump right in there with the steaks. May as well leave the pigs ear, and take one of those. He spotted kids. They always had good things to lick from their faces. Don't know why that human got so upset. I just wanted to play with her purse. What fun, a new game, someone is chasing him with a broom. Better find my new mom. He spotted her, ran up, lifted his leg and peed on her cart, causing a flood of urine to meander down the isle. Bonnie was horrified. She said the only thing she could think of. Taking the easy way out she turned to the crowd, asking innocently, "Is this your dog?" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: July 1, Canada Day
======================================== Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, Text-Start, that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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