Dear Webby, is Open Office better? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 31, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. --- C. S. Lewis No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. --- Bertrand Russell
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Thanks to Walter, the stonecarver, for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Villagers of Lunt, England Lunt villagers can't cope with graffiti A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs. The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph. However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century. Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village. He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C. "Drive in every day and you see a very offensive word." Dr Ball has suggested Launt as an alternative name, which he says would be pronounced the same. However, others in the village say the vandals should not be allowed to ruin their heritage. Steward Dobson, 84, a parish councillor, said: "This village is very, very old and people don't want the name changed." David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village." ------------ Cameras, proximity detector activated dye packs, motion detector activated water sprayers, or even something as simple as a trip-wire activated water pistol filled with dye and skunk oil has not occurred to the simple folks there.
Two husbands, Greg and Paul, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Greg said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Paul, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Greg. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Farmer: On a typical day I have to get up at six in the morning, then I work for five hours, then I take out a few minutes for lunch, then I work another five hours... City Man: With all that work, what do you grow? Farmer: Tired.
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Susan Re: Is Open Office OK for business? Dear Webby I tried to get my brother's old Microsoft Office after he left college, to use in my business. He told me to use Open Office, and that MS Office was only used in college "because the shiny shoes get bribed and/or were scared of having to learn someting new." He said Open Office was not only free, but actually better than MS Office. Is that true? Susan Dear Susan Yes, that is indeed true. Open Office has more features that are appreciated daily in the business world, for example saving invoices or quotes or flyers as PDF files, and it can save files not only in the Open Standard format, but even in Word perfect or Microsoft format. If both cost the same, I would buy Open Office. Since Open Office is free, and always will be, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Visit ThriftyFun For More Health Advice By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Health%20& ... _1228.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: National Naval Aviation Museum
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Yahoos 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 30, 2008

People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."
Thanks to Marie for sending thispicture: Near Bittinger, Colorado
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bakimci, from Syria Truck driver's sat nav gaffe A Syrian lorry driver taking luxury cars from Turkey to Gibraltar was sent on a 1,600 mile detour to Skegness, England by his sat nav. Birdwatchers at Skegness's Gibraltar Point looked on in astonishment as Necdet Bakimci tried to steer his 32-tonne lorry down a narrow lane towards the North Sea. When questioned by onlookers, he explained in broken English that he was looking for Coral Road on Gibraltar, reports the Daily Telegraph. It is thought that the confusion arose because his device had the Rock listed as UK territory and so directed him towards England. Steven Humphreys, 57, of Burgh le Marsh, Lincs, said: "He showed me his delivery docket. I had my laptop and found the place on Gibraltar. Amazingly, the guy didn't seem too upset." Eventually, Mr Bakimci arranged for his firm in Antakya, Turkey, to ship the cars to the correct destination from Birmingham and began his journey home. ------------ Skegness is about a third of the way up England's East coast.
Thanks to all the people who identified Deeli's bird as a Black-crowned Night Heron. It seems the Night Heron is totally different from the long necked and long legged white and blue Herons.
One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" The driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" The driver said.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: martha Re: Yahoo mail As you can readily see in regards to the e-mail below, for some odd reason the only part of the e-mail that is readable is the advertisements. What happened to the actual content of humor at webby.com. Please advise, thank you. Dear Martha Yahoo figures that is good enough for the silly yahoos who don't want to get real email. The content is there, and when you hit Reply, you will see it. If you don't, Yahoo hides it from you and makes you look silly. There is nothing I can do about Yahoo messing with you. When you are ready to get standard and proper email, I'll gladly send you a referral to gmail. Have FUN! DearWebby

A beautiful young woman went into the hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes. While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her. By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and asked the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when is this bloody operation going to start?" "We haven't got a clue," came the reply, "we're just the painters."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood Tips: Find Dry (Seasoned) Wood It takes 8 to 12 months to dry (season) wood for burning so unless you have wood on hand already, you will want to purchase dry wood. Dry wood burns longer, cleaner and produces greater heat. Unseasoned wood creates a potentially dangerous creosote buildup in your chimney. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com If you dry the wood in your yard, pile it onto plastic sewer pipe runners. That not only blocks most of the creepy-crawlies, but it speeds up the drying quite dramatically. The electrical and moisture insulation somehow makes a huge difference. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thaks to Lilly for this one: Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game." Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Oil Sands Discovery Center
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Custom weather links 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 29, 2008

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --- Benjamin Franklin To be great is to be misunderstood. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$% up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Thanks to Toni from freedomfromwork.com for this picture of a frog cooling on off on her air conditioner. Toni lives in the hot part of Florida
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bonita Springs, Floriduh police Sent in by Deeli Pettiest waste of taxpayers money BONITA SPRINGS, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man is facing criminal charges after he was arrested for allegedly stealing 42 cents from a water fountain in a shopping center, police said. Laslo Mujzer, 43, of Bonita Springs, Fla., was taken into police custody and charged with petty theft after a shopper at the Coastland Center mall reported him Monday for allegedly taking change from an outdoor fountain, police said. Mujzer was held until police arrived at took him to the Collier County jail, where he was held on a $500 bond, police records indicate. Naples police Capt. John Adams told the Naples (Fla.) News the money in the fountain was intended for the Habitat for Humanity of Collier County. "He shouldn't be taking change out of the mall fountain. It's not found money. It's money that's destined for charity," Adams said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Deeli sent me a picture of a red eyed bird, hoping that one of you can identify it.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: Weather Link Webby, You ask a question on the left side of your email, What links would you like to see here. Would it be possible to have the current weather come up for every subscriber, no matter what there location. I'm thinking that once the subscribers zip code was entered it would be no problem. Thomas Dear Thomas I have not found any weather site that will work in all areas where subscribers live. Just go to your favorite weather site, set your preferences, refresh, then the drag the little icon from the left of the address bar onto an empty spot on your desktop. When you hit that icon, it will bring up your weather with all your preferences, just like you had them. Have FUN! DearWebby

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all you morons banging your metal spoons against metal pots, I'll go nuts!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Auto Cool Review Auto Cool is a solar powered fan that has been heavily marketed on TV throughout the summer. They advertise that it keep your car cool when it is parked in the hot sun. The problem is, it doesn't work. Many reviewers of this product actually state it makes your car hotter. Don't throw your money away. To See Auto Cool Reviews On ThriftyFun, click here http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf61299237.tip.html For passive shielding get some cheap space blankets from a camping store or off the web for about $2.50 a piece. Here is a link to one of countless sources: http://snipurl.com/36x82 Google for a local source to avoid shipping charges. It is a reflective blanket about 5' x 7' and weighs 2 ounces. It reflects ALL of the sun if you use it as a fly and not quite touching the car. I have used them since the 60's and they are indeed amazing. Don't poke holes into them and don't put grommets into them. Stick some duck tape onto the corners so that it sticks out, and put gromets into those duck tape ears. Then you can secure it with thin, lightweight bungee cords. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Extreme Pets: The fishing cat
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Why Google's gmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 28, 2008

They always talk who never think. --- Matthew Prior No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets. --- Edward Abbey
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wondered sometimes if you'd be that concerned about me" "Honey," she answered, hefting the frying pan, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Caribou at Prudhoe Bay are in favor of drilling.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Birgit Mahler, 33, of Sonthofen, germany Shoplifter left daughter behind A German shoplifter who ran off with expensive cosmetics was caught after leaving her six-year-old daugher behind. Birgit Mahler, 33, stuffed the cosmetics worth $160 in her handbag and left the shop in the German city of Sonthofen without paying. But a security tag set off an alarm, and as soon as she heard it, Mahler ran off down the road before staff could react. A police spokesman said: "She showed staff a clean pair of heels, but she forgot about her six-year-old daughter who was left standing alone wondering where her mother had gone." Store staff called police and they collected the child together with a social worker. The spokesman added: "The girl's father turned up to report the child missing and seemed genuinely surprised to hear how his daughter had been lost. "We took down the details of the mother and have arranged to interview her over the incident." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_29 ... rangecrime
From Mary: Dear Webby, do you remember that joke about a drunk beating up a ghost? I need it, can you please run it again? Thanks Mary Sure, Mary! A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: Yahoo mail problems Hi Webby, I have the same problem as Brian (7/27/08 tech support question), which happened just a couple weeks ago. The page I receive is blank. I have to click your link in the left column to get your humor letter. Could you also send me a referral to gmail? What is gmail? I love your humor letter. Thank you for all your hard work in putting it together for us to enjoy. Thank you and have a happy day, Renee Dear Renee Gmail (Google Mail) is mail run by Google, instead of by the the silly yahoos (Yuppie Artsy Hebrew Oddball Opportunists). Like everything at Google, gmail works reliably and predictably. You can use gmail as WebMail, or you can use it with professional POP email programs like Eudora, Pegasus, or semi-professional POP programs like Outlook, Outlook Express, etc. You can continue to use Yahoo for cybersex, groups or whatever you use it for. You will just have a new and additional email address, and a mail system that works reliably and predictably. Have FUN! DearWebby

Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated. After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Supermarket Mistakes Watch the display screen at the register as your groceries are being rung up. If you are overcharged, speak up. Before you leave the store, double check the receipt and make sure that the prices were correct. If you catch the mistake before you leave the store, you can quickly get a remedy at the service desk. Visit ThriftyFun For Grocery Shopping Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe was delivering a load of manure to the convent and remarked to the friar about the beautiful roses they had. The friar told him that there would be a lot more and bigger roses, but that they were suffering from "Black Death". Joe had never heard of that and asked what this "Black Death" was all about. "Nuns with scissors," the friar replied.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What's The State of Your Air Bay of Fundy
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Yahoo email problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 27, 2008

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand. --- Frank Herbert Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. --- Miguel de Cervantes
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Keith Walendowski , 57, of Milwaukee Sent in By Eric and also by Ross Man charged with shooting lawn mower From the Milwaukee Journal-Standard FRIDAY, July 25, 2008, 11:49 a.m. Keith Walendowski is charged with shooting a lawn mower. A 57-year-old south side man, who might have been struggling with a hangover, is charged today with shooting his lawn mower with a sawed-off shotgun. "I'll tell you the truth," a criminal complaint quotes an apparently inebriated Keith Walendowski. "I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. "I can do that. It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want," Walendowski told police. Ignorance of the law, however, is not a legal defense. Walendowski is charged with a felony count of possessing a short-barreled shotgun and a misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct while armed. If convicted of both charges, he faces up to six years and nine months in prison. The shooting occurred Wednesday at a home Walendowski shares with his mother in the 3500 block of S. Austin St. According to the complaint, Walendowski had been drinking all morning. Around 9:30 a.m., he attempted to start his 21-inch Lawn-Boy - unsuccessfully. After shooting the mower, he went in his basement, where he was arrested after "a woman in the house" called police, the complaint says. Police recovered the shotgun, shells, a handgun, rounds for the handgun and a stun gun. Dick Wagner of Wagner's Garden Mart, 6075 N. Green Bay Ave., said shooting the mower didn't help Walendowski's odds of getting it repaired. "Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty," he said. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/506658.html
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering?" A 90 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brian Re: Yahoo mail problems Dear Webby It just happened recently. The page I received is blank, except for the ads on the left column. Please tell me how to fix it and continue to enjoy The everyday fun. Thank you, Brian. NB: When I reply to you, on this screen just beneath, I can see the jokes. It's blank when I open my inbox ! Dear Brian That's normal with the new Yahoo mail, and there is nothing I can do about their screw-up. Once you get gmail or any of the properly working email services, that problem will disappear. I'll send you a referral to gmail. It is free. Have FUN! DearWebby

Texan Emergency First Aid Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." The Texan ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow. Then, the Texan asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she motioned that she couldn't breathe. With that, the Texan yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she screamed at him and brought up the piece of hamburger and began breathing on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hanging Craft Projects Put all the patterns and other supplies for a craft craft project in a plastic grocery bag with handles. Then slip each handle of the grocery bag over a clothes hanger and hang it a closet. You can cross the handles so the bag won't slip off the hanger. If the handles still have a tendency to slip, secure them with clothespins. Visit ThriftyFun For Craft Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada's East Coast Bay of Fundy
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Computer tune-up e-book 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 26, 2008

Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. "I say it's spelt W-H-O-O-M," said one. "No, it is W-H-O-M-B," said the other. A nurse passing by said "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B." "Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."
China is preparing and practising security for the Olympics.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rowing NewZealand News boat sinks at N.Z. Olympic photo op HAMILTON, New Zealand (UPI) -- New Zealand rowing officials said a news boat recording footage of the country's Olympic team sank, dropping its load of expensive equipment into the water. Rowing NZ spokesman Richard Gee said the photo op at Lake Karapiro went horribly wrong when the press boat, which was carrying seven journalists representing both newspapers and TV, began taking on water and sank, Stuff.co.nz reported Tuesday. Gee said the seven journalists and the boat's pilot were fished out of the water without injuries by the rowers, but hundreds of thousands of dollars in media equipment was lost to the lake. He said investigators do not yet know why the boat sank, as nothing previously appeared out of the ordinary and conditions were not adverse. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Lynn for this: I saw an ad in the newspaper advertising a bathing suit that would subtract thirty pounds. I figure if I order two of them I'll be just about beach ready!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Collection of tips Dear Webby I know others have asked you about an ebook collection of your tips. Are you ever going to get around to that? Dorothy Dear Dorothy On my last ebook, Ettiquette To Get Read, I made about 5 cents per hour. Those who bought it, liked it, but very few bought it. It seems most people on the list consider me as family, and if something is not free, they don't want it. So, writing a new ebook is not very high on my priority list. There is one available that has many of my tips in it, plus some extra ones. You can get it at Formula It is well written and in a very easy step by step illustrated format. You are never left guessing whether you are doing the right thing. I bought it for myself too, just to see if I am missing anything, and if you want to tune up and clean up your computer, or fix problems, I can highly recommend it. If you click that link, you'll see a ridiculously long sales page that would be more suitable for a $5,000 course. There is no useful information in that mile of sales talk. Just hit CTRL END to get to the bottom. It costs $14.97 and is well worth it. Print it out and after you have followed all the instructions, put it into the ziplock bag with warranty and set-up CDs and official papers for your machine. Yes, I know you were going to find a ziplok bag for all that stuff some day. Make today that day! Have FUN! DearWebby

A question on the patient's form at the doctor's office asked who to call in case of an emergency. I wrote: "call a better doctor".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soap Pest Spray Mix two tablespoons liquid Ivory soap and one gallon water. Use a spray bottle to apply to your plant's leaves. It will help eliminate aphids, cinch bugs, spider mites, and white flies. Visit ThriftyFun For Pest Control Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pest%20Control_705.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes! After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today." Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom." When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?" "I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss." "What about your pants?" "I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Land Slides
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Size of games on Vista 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 25, 2008


Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. --- Arlo Guthrie
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 27 year old Burnsville, MN fugitive. Sent in by Ramona MN officers chase burglary suspect to WI and back MINNEAPOLIS (AP) Authorities are looking for a man who led officers on a chase from Burnsville, to Wisconsin, to Minneapolis. Burnsville police detectives tried to arrest the 27-year-old man on suspicion of burglary. But the man fled and led Burnsville police north on Interstate 35E. The Minnesota State Patrol joined the chase, following the man to Wisconsin before he drove back to Minnesota and abandoned a stolen Dodge Durango near the University of Minnesota. Authorities tried to end the chase peacefully, and called the man on his cell phone. Burnsville investigators say the man answered the phone saying, ''Dude, I can't talk, I'm being chased by the police.'' (© 2008 The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. In the interest of timeliness, this story is fed directly from the Associated Press newswire and may contain occasional typographical errors. )
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thelma Re: Game sizes on Vista Dear Webby is there any way to adjust the size of the display for the game (hoyle clasic game) this is loaded on a vista OS and a acer computer. thanks Thelma Dear Thelma I don't recommend or support Vista. For Vista support you have to contact Microsoft. Have FUN! DearWebby

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way John was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Jon said. "Waiting for what?" asked Judi. "Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crockpot for Summer Cooking The summer is a great time to dust off your slow cooker and put it use. Crockpots work well for a variety of recipes: soup, stew, spaghetti, roasts, and more. Just search on your favorite website for crockpot recipes. If heat is a problem, just use it outside or in the garage. Visit ThriftyFun For Crockpot Recipes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recipes_Crockpot_833_848.html On a hot, sunny day you can put a crock pot into a barbecue. Not lit, just warmed by the sun! If it is sheltered from the wind, it will get more than hot enough just from the sun. You may have to use small wedge to keep the lid from closing all the way. For windy locations you can throw some bubble-wrap over it. It won't melt, but it will increase the temperature inside the barbecue quite drastically. A barbecue on solar power also works well for slow brewing tea for ice tea. For best results use a wide 3 or 4 quart pyrex pot with a lid. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?" The kid said, "Yep." "Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled. The kid replied, "You have to cuss it." The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: See that Snail Go (Escargot)
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Restore Desktop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 24, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. --- Alfred E. Newman My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared. --- P. J. Plauger
Thanks to Dave for this story: The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
Thanks to Jim for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Laura-Leah Shaw of Ontario Woman pays $1,000 to rescue lobster SHEDIAC, New Brunswick (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she plans to release a giant lobster after she paid $1,000 to rescue the crustacean from a fish market. Laura-Leah Shaw purchased the 22-pound lobster, named Big Dee-Dee, from the Big Fish seafood market in Shediac, New Brunswick, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported. The report said two unnamed Ontario groups contributed $1,000 each to rescue the animal, which is thought to be 100 years old. Big Fish was auctioning Big Dee Dee for an opening price of $1,000, the report said. Denis Breau, owner of the fish market, said at least 1,000 people visited Big Fish to catch a glimpse of Big Dee Dee, who was caught in the beginning of July. Shaw said she would travel to the Maritimes region of eastern Canada Monday to let Big Dee Dee go into the wild, but officials said the lobster would need to undergo a health inspection before it is released, to check for diseases. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children. "All right, children," she said, "who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?" One little girl answered, "The rain does it, but fertilizer helps."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chris Re: Restore desktop Dear Webby Is there a better way to save and restore the Windows desktop than SMD? SMD has worked fine for many years, but after recent Windows bugfixes and updates, it seems to have lost it's magic. I have a lot of icons on my desktop, and get extremely annoyed when a tool is not where I had put it. Thanks Chris Dear Chris Try Restore Desktop from MidiOx. It's in my toolbox. After installing it, right-click on the desktop and you will see the options to save and to restore the desktop added to the right-click menu. Have FUN! DearWebby

My friend's daughter was taking her son, Donny, to preschool along her usual route. She had always been aware of the speed trap on the hill but this day, she was unusually hurried and forgot. Sure enough, the police pulled her over. Denise was asked for her license and registration. She started to giggle. The officer asked her if she thought this was funny. She said, "No," and that it was her 3 year old in the back seat. The officer put his head down to the window and heard this tiny voice singing, "What you gonna do when they come for you . . . what you gonna do . . . bad boy, bad boy . . . what you gonna do?" The officer couldn't stop laughing and let her go with a warning.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Regional Bargains When traveling or even commuting, be mindful of regional bargains. For example, when we drive to Eastern Washington (from Western Washington), we visit some fruit stands to take advantage of bargains on apples and cherries. The fruit is grown there so the fruit is extremely fresh and inexpensive if you buy it in season. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _1307.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant. With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't do what the adults do."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critters Galore
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Factory pre-installed XP 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 23, 2008

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment. — Jim Rohn
Thanks to Ann for this report: 'Hello?' 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?' 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause..., Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right Now.' Brief Pause.... 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.' 'And what happened, honey?' he asked. 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water on the weekend to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' Long Pause... Longer Pause ....... Even Longer Pause........... Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?' 'No, I think you have the wrong number."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Danny Sanchez, 29, of Eureka Street, Bakersfield, CA Truck thief takes cable guy for harrowing ride The Bakersfield Californian | Last Updated: Monday, Jul 21 2008 7:04 AM A northeast Bakersfield man faces charges after he stole a Brighthouse Networks truck Saturday, while a cable company employee in a bucket lift attached to the truck and elevated 25 feet in the air, repaired lines. Police said Danny Sanchez, 29, of Eureka Street, entered the vehicle and drove off around 6:30 p.m. The bucket lift tore down several phone lines before Sanchez crashed the vehicle into a utility pole, according to Bakersfield police Lt. Mike Cantrell. Bright House employee Curtis Bartell, 50, remained in the bucket during the ordeal. He complained of pain but apparently suffered no major injuries, Cantrell said. Sanchez fled the scene but was located by police Sunday morning. He was arrested and charged on suspicion of hit-and-run, automobile theft and false imprisonment. http://www.bakersfield.com/hourly_news/ ... 01834.html ----------------------- The sign on the lifts normally demand that the outriggers be pumped down before entering the bucket. I bet Bartell considers himself a Bonehead for forgetting to do that.
Thanks to Vickster for this story: The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green. Anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, "That's okay, sweetheart," and spent a full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey and that's okay. I think we can do better on the next hole." To which she replied, "Listen, dear, don't yell at me. Only two of those five shots were mine!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donovan Re: Pre-Installed XP Dear Webby If Irene is anywhere near Medicine Hat, I sell HP computers with the "option" of having XP instead of Vista. In rare cases the option doesn't get exercised but I'm selling piles of these computers to individuals with XP. If I can help anyone in Alberta, Saskatchewan or anywhere else they're willing to cover a bit of shipping in return for a lot less grief, they can email me at donovan@memlane.com or call me at (403) 526-2288. Thanks, Donovan Dear Donovan Except for your town folks, people have to pay shipping anyway. No computer vendor donates the shipping, and I have a hunch that you mark it up less than they do. ---------- Donovan has been a subscriber for many years and has often contributed very useful and helpful advice. If you want a new computer with properly installed XP, without the BS and hassle the big vendors make you go through, call or email Donovan! Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this story: When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school and I wanted to be sure the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until, that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Dangers of Co-Signing With a co-signer a person with no credit or bad credit can qualify for a loan that they wouldn't ordinarily be able to get. However, co-signing for a loan is not something that should be done lightly. If the loan goes into default, you will be held responsible for the debt and it can impact your credit rating. Only co-sign on a loan that you are prepared to pay off yourself if necessary. Visit ThriftyFun For Budget And Finance Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... e_442.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

According to one 'Dr. Beverly Clark' in JUMA (Journal of the United Medical Association), there have been numerous attacks on unwary airline travelers in the restrooms of the planes. The attacker? It is none other than the dangerous and deadly Arachnius Gluteus. The attacks seem to have started in Chicago's Blare Airport after eating at 'Big Chappies'. Oh my! Sound scary? It is, not because it's true but because someone actually took the time to come up with this. There is no JUMA, no Dr. Beverly Clark writing medical material on spiders; the scientific name of the spider is bogus (butt spider?),there is no Blare airport, and no such restaurant called Big Chappies. Pure BS, just like gullible warming. By the way, to clarify my position re gullible warming: As I have stated since the ice age scare in the 70's, yes, according to the cycles plainly visible in bar code format in thousands of deep canyons, there WILL be an ice age. But first it will get a bit warmer. We are about 3/4 of the way up towards the warmest period, before it will gradually cool off towards the next ice age. According to my calculations, we will reach the warmest period on Thursday afternoon, around 3 PM, in about fourteen Thousand years. Cow farts, cars or Volcanoes won't change that one bit.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Greenland
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Getting a computer with XP factory installed 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 22, 2008

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for you.'" --- Jay Leno
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Thanks to Deelie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Elizabeth Mateo of Camden, NJ No sense of humor, just greed CAMDEN, N.J. (UPI) -- A Camden County, N.J., woman is suing her orthopedic surgeon after he rubbed a temporary tattoo onto her body while she was unconscious. Elizabeth Mateo claims in her suit that she did not realize until the morning after the surgery that the surgeon, Steven Kirshner, had left a temporary tattoo of a rose on her abdomen while she was under anesthesia, the Philadelphia Enquirer reported Wednesday. "She was extremely emotionally upset by it," said attorney Gregg Shivers, who filed the suit on Mateo's behalf in Camden County Superior Court. The suit seeks punitive and compensatory damages from Kirshner. The doctor admitted to placing the tattoo on Mateo but he denied any ill intent, the newspaper reported. He said he often rubs temporary tattoos on patients as a means of helping to raise their spirits after a stressful operation. "What's offensive about this complaint is that it suggests something he did was intended to be prurient, and nothing could be further from the truth," said Kirshner's lawyer, Robert Agre. "It was intended just to make the patient feel better." Copyright 2008 by United Press International
"I was married 3 times" explained the woman to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 husbands died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd hubby died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said her friend , "How did it happen?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Pre-installed XP Dear Webby I have a few questions about this. 1) Why are businesses allowed to get XP pre-installed, but private people are not? 2) Why do I have to buy Vista Business to get XP rights, even if the computer can't handle Vista Business? 3) Does Microsoft check if I have a legitimate business, if I claim I do, when I buy a computer? Irene Dear Irene 1) If a business doesn't want to increase their work force by 18% to cope with Vista, they will switch to Linux, if M$ does not let them have XP. Any business with 25 or more computers usually has at least one employee, who is comfortable with Linux, and who can make a company specific master CD for quick and easy set-up. Naturally, once they have upgraded to Linux, no company will ever go back to Windows, and Microsoft has lost them for good. So Microsoft reluctantly lets them buy Vista Ultimate or Vista Business, even though the machines they buy, can't handle that, but they throw in the XP license. YOU, and people like you, don't usually have an in-house Linux fan to help them get started, so Microsoft figures they got you by the short and curly hairs, and they don't allow you to get XP. Hitler, ahem, Balmer has spoken, and you better like the Emperor's new clothes! 2) The reason for having to pay for Vista Ultimate or Vista Business, even if the computer you are buying, can't handle that, is to punish you for not liking the Emperor's new clothes. There is no technical reason for it, just pure hateful vindictiveness by the Emperor. 3) The computer makers are supposed to sell Vista Business only to businesses who buy 25 or more machines per year, the businesses, who would tell Microsoft to stuff Windows where the sun don't shine, if they don't get an XP installation included. Microsoft brags about so many Vista's sold, even though the Vista CDs are just used to replace the AOL CD beer coasters in the IT department. Those ARE getting to be quite scratched up, ya know! When Dell, or Toshiba or Sony, or whoever you buy a computer from, asks you if you are a business and will buy 25 computers in a year, everybody just tells them: "Oh, yes, I need those Vista CD's for beer coasters! I want a full set! But not tonight, I have a headache from all this BS." You don't have to buy the other 25 right away, and if the economy slides left and your doily knitting business doesn't expand as planned, they are not going to hunt you down and demand the XP CD back. In summary, if you want to buy a computer with XP pre-installed at the factory, don't go to the HOME computers department, go to the BUSINESS department at Dell, HP, Toshiba (don't go to their front entrance, use this secret back door: http://snipurl.com/32ws7 ), Fujitsu or Lenovo. The business departments of those companies will sell you computers with XP pre-installed at the factory, and dumpster-ware on a beer coaster. (Don't waste time with Gateway, Acer and Asus. They act like they were Microsoft owned and operated.) Be aware that the punishment for not liking the Emperor's new clothes is paying for Vista Business, even if you have absolutely no desire or plan to ever use it. It is strictly a fine, or sleazy extortion, if you want to call it that. By the way, the XP CDs from old klunkers often work quite fine in new machines. And also keep in mind that klunkers at yard sales might just be constipated with registry optimizers and speeder-upper utilities, and will work just fine after a format and re-install. Have FUN! DearWebby

At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders, a secretary rushed in shouting. "The building is on fire" The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed The Baptists cried "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage The Jews sprinted to the parking lot to beat the rush. The Congregationalists shouted "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed "It's the vengeance of God" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. The Mormons arrived late for the meeting and missed the fire completely.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mixing Meatloaf and Other Sticky Things When mixing meat loaf or patting marshmallow candy into a pan, kneading pizza dough etc., I first spray my hands with non-stick cooking spray. It keeps the food from sticking and washes off easily with soap and water. Visit ThriftyFun For Helpful Food Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_948.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "Noooo....Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 40 years of Hotwheels
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Work on a hard drive when you can't boot up any more 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 21, 2008

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. --- Mark Twain
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up before it rained. I figured it was better to sit on a dry bale of hay thinking about God, than to sit in church thinking about hay getting ruined."
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Iguassu falls
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the ACLU Sent in by Ross ACLU claims atrocious fashion sense is "owned" by colored males The Associated Press | Sunday, Jul 20 2008 11:10 AM Last Updated: Sunday, Jul 20 2008 11:15 AM Be careful if you have saggy pants in the south Chicago suburb of Lynwood. Village leaders have passed an ordinance that will levy $25 fines against anyone showing three inches or more of their underwear in public. Eugene Williams is the mayor of Lynwood. He says young men walk around town half-dressed, keeping major retailers and economic development away. He calls the new law a hot topic. The American Civil Liberties Union says the ordinance targets young men of color, since, according to the ACLU, nobody else tries to look stupid on purpose.
A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a widower marrying again, haven't you?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donovan Re: Alternative method for working on a dead machine Dear Webby Can I offer another response to the "don't want to open the case" question? If you use the Ubunutu live CD, and plug in a flash drive or other USB drive, you can still rescue the data without having to touch a screw. The USB device and the HDD will show up on the desktop, then just drag-and-drop. I do this all the time when I know a customer's machine is beyond saving and will require a re-install of Windows (or an upgrade to Linux). Another benefit, if you're willing to dip your toes in techie water, is that you can scan for viruses from there. Donovan Dear Donovan Great idea! For those who don't know what a "Live CD" is: Linux is distributed totally different from Windows. You don't buy a set-up CD, you download an ISO file and burn it onto a CD. That is then your set-up CD. However, unlike a Windows set-up CD, a Linux Live CD doe not automatically trash whatever is on the computer. It lets you boot up from the CD, with the Operating System on the CD, and lets you test-drive that particular flavor of Linux. While running in Linux, you can sort out the hard drive, that is so messed up that Windows won't boot on it any more. If you happen to like that flavor of Linux, you can make it permanent. If you don't, you pull that CD and reboot back into the now cleaned up Windows. Keep in mind that, even though the world is slowly migrating to Linux, it is different from Windows. For the majority I would not recommend it yet, unless you have a Linux using friend nearby, who can help you to get comfortable. Have FUN! DearWebby

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. we'll get a new cat tomorrow."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Cuttings for Gifts I often give plants that I have started from cuttings as gifts. To brighten these up, I use a water pic from the florist with one or 2 blossoms from my yard to add a bit of color. I stick the pic into the soil, and make a bow that matches in color or compliments the flowers or the pot and voila! Visit ThriftyFun For Gift Ideas By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gifts_963.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I have a dreadful headache," the teacher said. "Excuse me," said Little Johnny, "why don't you do what my mom does when she has a headache?" "What's that?" asked the teacher. "She tells us to go play outside."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Invitation to dinner
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Dear Webby: Need for remote drive 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 20, 2008

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. — Lou Holtz
An instructor at a girls’ school in the southwest is giving her students what she calls a “charm course.” “You give your escort the chance to be gallant,” she says. “For instance, you should remain seated in the pickup truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you.” Then, returning to reality she adds “Of course, if the big oaf is in the restaurant flirting at the waitress, don’t wait any longer.”
Thanks to Alexa for sending this picture: Off to the biffy, be right back! Leaving the scene of an accident ? I'm going home to mother! I'm going to win even if I have to walk! Pick your own caption here.
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Re yesterday's Bonehead Award: Seattle Drug-otels on eBay No bids on those overpriced drug-otels so far, of course, at the ridiculous price they want. An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Ramirez family in Denton, Texas Robber turned out to be Dad A US pizza worker was shocked when a workmate overpowered a disguised robber - and it turned out to be her father. Stephanie Martinez was getting money out of a cash drawer when Rudy Sandoval fought back against the intruder, knocking off his wig and sunglasses. Ms Martinez was so surprised when she saw the robber's face that she dropped the money, reports the Dallas Morning News. "I said, 'Don't hit him again! That's my dad!' And he said, 'What's he doing here?' and I said, 'I don't know!'" Police say the suspect, Benjamin Ramirez, 41, ran out of the pizzaria in Denton, near Dallas, Texas, to a pick-up truck, where Ms Martinez's mother and husband were waiting. But officers don't think Ms Martinez knew her family was planning the robbery. "We will not be filing charges against her," Sgt. James Brett said. "Her husband told us she didn't know. He knew they were going to rob someplace, but he thought it was going to be a convenience store." Witnesses followed the pickup and helped lead police to it, where Ramirez, Sonia Palacios, 38, and Jose Miguel Martinez, 26, were arrested. All three have been charged with aggravated robbery. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_29 ... rangecrime
Hair cut Women's version: Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much tuck with this stuff I think. Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier......... Men's version: Man1: Got your ears lowered? Man2: Yeah. That time of the year.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Need for remote drive Dear Webby Got to pick your brain one more time........ here is the scenero ....... I have heard that you can fix another computer that has a minor problem and or reformat with out taking apart the computer (hard drive and making it a slave) ....... Can you hook up 2 computers using either USB or Ethernet Cord to scan and repair the bad computer? And does the computer that is bad --- when hooking it up, does it have to have the monitor, keyboard and all connected? Have a great day almighty and powerfull ....... Mr. Webby Eddie Dear Eddie If a computer is so messed up that you can't clean it up, and you need to format it, you can do that without opening it up. Just stick the set-up CD into the drive and reboot. You CAN scan a computer over a network, but you need to have a network license for the scanning program. The free sample versions usually on't include that, however, you can scan a USB drive, since it acts like a local drive. The only time you have to take the drive out and put it into a USB drive, is when Windows won't stay lit up or won't boot up, but you want to salvage data before formatting and reloading Windows. Taking the drive out is about as technically challenging as taking a beer out of the fridge, but might be a bit more physically challenging, if your computer is deep under your desk. Once the drive is in a USB drive enclosure, it acts like the second drive of the machine, that the enclosure is plugged into. No need for a second monitor or keyboard. Unless you need to salvage irreplaceable data, and can't upload it to the net or burn it onto a CD, just format and reload. You will never be able to clean up a totally messed up computer by using free utilities, just like the ones that caused the mess in the first place. Have FUN! DearWebby

Grampa was telling his youngest grandson abuot his terrifying experience with cannibals. "There I was, lost in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by twenty hungry cannibals." His grandson, Oleander, said, "But last time you told me, there were only ten hungry cannibals." To which grampa answered, "Ah, but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Groceries Cool on the Way Home Keep a cooler in your trunk to put perishable groceries in when you are driving home from the grocery store. Group them on the checkout conveyor belt so it's easy for the checker to put like items in bags. For frozen foods, many grocery stores have dry ice available. Visit ThriftyFun For Grocery Shopping Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html The back seat is cooler than the trunk, and usually much windier. Put a wet beach towel over the groceries and tuck it in securely and open he back windows for maximum draft back there. Evaporative cooling will dry the towel and keep your groceries ice cold. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ocean wildlife
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: IE Script Error messages 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 19, 2008

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather
Boudreaux and Pierre decided to go to the casino. Boudreaux told Pierre as they entered, "All right Pierre, we'll meet here in an hour, OK?" "OK, man," said Pierre. Well, when they were done, Boudreaux was broke, but Pierre had a bucket full of quarters. "Man, were you got all 'em quarters?" asked Boudreaux. Pierre, leaning close, whispered, "Man, I don't wann say this too loud, but you see that game over there, every time I put in a dollar, it give me four quarters!"'
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Mitzi: Sago Lilies in Iowa
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Seattle, WA school board Twins assigned separate schools SEATTLE (UPI) -- A set of Seattle twins will be in separate schools when they start kindergarten this fall unless district officials change their assignments, their mother says. Stephanie Jewett says Annika is assigned to Bryant Elementary and her sister Nicole is to attend Wedgwood, The Seattle Times reported Tuesday. The twins were placed in separate schools, even though she listed the same three preferred schools in the same order on each girl's application and noted they are twins, the newspaper said. But the school district's placement policy overrode the family's choices. "It looks like there's a glitch in the program," parent activist Lisa Bond said. School Board member Harium Martin-Morris, telling the Times "When you think about it, it's not right." But thinking could hert, ya know! At this point, the Jewett sisters will be heading off to different schools this fall. Copyright 2008 by United Press International ----------------------------- That's the same town that can't manage their public toilets and is trying to sell them on eBay.
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little lady on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Toots?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with inexperienced stuff. What should I do?" Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.....
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: IE Script Error Dear Webby How do I get rid of the "Internet Explorer Script Error" that keeps popping up on my screen? It's a nuisance!!! Thank you for all the help you've given before. What would we do without you? Rose Dear Rose Just go into Tools, Internet Options, Advanced, and turn Script Debugging and Show Errors off. That debugging is intended for the designers of those pages, and they obviously didn't check for errors. Have FUN! DearWebby

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Find Out What Your Wear A good way to find out what you wear is to take all the hangers and turn them around so they are facing the wrong way. As you wear, wash and return clothing back to the closet, hang the clothing the correct way. After a month or two, any clothing still facing the wrong direction should probably be stored or donated. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_Tips_1220_1222.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, after he finished fixing the plumbing in the bar, he and his apprentice parked their pickup trucks in front of her house and left them there all night.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kings Canyon National Park
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Alternative file compression program: 7-Zip 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 18, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops! Re attempts by members of a certain political party in one country to fragment and defeat the international and nonpolitical effort to honor and support the soldiers, if you don't want to stand behind the troops, please stand in front of them! Just like the poppies and the blood of the soldiers are red, the Friday color is RED, internationally, and not the color of a political party of a country, that was late in joining our international effort to honor and support the troops. In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow Between the crosses row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders fields.
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his Order also required him to quit golf and never play again. This was rather difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning the Reverend Father Norton woke up and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny, early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to perform the sermon for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to?"
Thanks to Jai for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Victor Marin, 20, of New York Sent in by Deeli Not quite ready to give up his day job NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man whose home was burgled said the perpetrator was foiled when he returned to the scene of the crime to ask for his wallet back. Yaakov Kanelsky, 49, said the man who showed up at his door and said he had left his wallet inside claimed to have snuck into the apartment to use the bathroom, but the excuse seemed weak and the suspect eventually admitted to taking $200 from Kanelsky's bedroom, the New York Post reported Monday. "I didn't even know any money was missing," Kanelsky said. When he checked his bedroom he found the cash was indeed gone. Kanelsky told the man to return the money first and police arrived as the suspect, identified as Victor Marin, 20, was sliding the bills through the door one by one. Marin was charged with burglary, petty larceny and possession of stolen property. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, my neighbor said, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ronnie Re: Alternative file compression utility Dear Webby For archiving I use 7-Zip. It's open source and so, totally free. It does zip and rar (and most others). Check it out at http://www.7-zip.org/ . Ronnie Dear Ronnie Yes, 7-Zip works fine too, even though it does not integrate into the file explorer and disappear into the background quite as smoothly as Winzip does. If I didn't have WinZip, I would definitely use 7-Zip. Have FUN! DearWebby

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Take a Break From Your Computer Avoid sitting in front of your computer for more than 30 minutes at a time. If you find you lose track of time, set a timer to go off in 30 minutes. Then get up, stretch, and walk around a bit before sitting back down. It also helps ease eye strain if you periodically look at distant objects. Visit ThriftyFun For Computer Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_Tips_1640_1641.html Somehow I have a hunch, this tip is going to be ignored by those who are not paid by the hour to sit in front of a computer. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her....!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: People and countries
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Program for RAR files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 17, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops!
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. --- Andrew S. Tanenbaum Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? --- Henry Ward Beecher
A college student wrote a letter home: Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late. A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Pilaar, 34, of Denver, Colorado Sent in by Deeli Library Thief DENVER (UPI) -- A Denver man is facing jail time and $53,549 in library fines for checking out about 1,400 books and DVDs and selling many of them online, officials said. Thomas Pilaar, 34, received a 10-year prison sentence Tuesday for illegally selling library items on the Internet, The Denver Post reported. About 500 books and DVDs were found when Pilaar was arrested last year for a separate incident, the newspaper said. Officials said he used seven library cards to obtain the items from libraries in Denver, Douglas County, Aurora, Colo., and Littleton, Colo. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yolanda Re: RAR Dear Webby I need to download a WINRAR program to view RAR files. Which one would you recommend? Thank you for all your help.. Loyal reader, Yolanda Dear Yolanda Winzip reads rar files. You can also use Win-Rar from http://www.win-rar.com/ or a free trial from http://www.download.com/WinRAR/3000-225 ... 07677.html There is no real reason to use RAR, except for pretending to be snooty and different. File compression is about the same as with ZIP, but RAR takes longer to compress and decompress than ZIP does. Have FUN! DearWebby

As we were moving into our dorm last fall, young women wandered from room to room to see what the other students had brought to school. One student's room contained a TV, VCR, stereo system, microwave, and a number of other high-tech gadgets. She even had a Nintendo. A fellow dorm resident couldn't resist asking, "Do you play Nintendo?" The girl responded, "No, but guys do!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Choosing a Veterinarian When you are choosing a veterinarian, ask friends and family in your area if they have a vet they would recommend. It's important to find a vet that is good with both people and animals; someone who is willing to take time to answer any questions that you may have. Visit ThriftyFun For More Pet Health Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pets_Health_1078_1097.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits and lies!

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Montreal Botanical Gardens
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Dear Webby: How to reduce picture file size 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 16, 2008

No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar. --- Donald Foster
I served with a guy who did a strange thing: He bounced an imaginary basketball wherever he went. Eventually, a psychiatrist labeled him unfit for duty, which led to a medical discharge. After the proceedings, he addressed the officer in charge. "Sir, may I approach?" With permission granted, he went through the motion of putting something on the officer's desk. "What is this?" asked the officer. "My basketball. I don't need it anymore."
Thanks to all who wrote in about yesterday's picture: It was a Northern Leopard frog Thanks to Tammy for this picture: Hi, as always thanks for the humor, I took those pics outside my window the other day, I was sitting here at my computer and seen something, one fawn was right up by my house. It was great to watch them! I wanted to share them with everyone. thanks, Tammy
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chen Chenggang of Xin Dian, Taiwan Rocky Sex Two lovers ended up in hospital in Taiwan after their car plunged 150ft down a cliff face as they made love in the back seat. Lin Gu, 25, and lover Lee Shin, 29, were left with broken bones and bruises after their car toppled over the edge of a hill in XinDian, reports Today News. A spokesman for police who were called by witnesses said: "They had parked up close to the edge of the mountain and had left the handbrake off. "When they started having sex the rocking motion started the car moving and it rolled off the hill. They were lucky they were not more seriously hurt." Despite their injuries - and being covered with mud and grass - the couple managed to clamber back up to the road where the woman asked the man to keep walking while she sought help at a nearby house. Homeowner Chen Chenggang said the woman pleaded with him not to reveal how the accident happened as her husband "would definitely sue for divorce". However, that did not slow down a notorious gossip like Chen Chenggang. Arcamax
Thanks to Linda for this confession: One night at a Japanese restaurant I was intrigued by some Japanese writing on the side of one page in the menu. So I copied it onto the napkin and the next time I felt like embroidering, I stitched it onto an otherwise rather boring turtleneck. This Friday I wore it at a company dinner. While out on the balcony for an after dinner smoke, a Japanese gent approached me and asked me, if I knew what that writing said. I told him it was like an inside out fortune cookie and that I had no clue. He told me it said: "Pretty good but really cheap!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Di Re: Reducing file size of graphics Dear Webby Hi Webby: I have a question. I am trying to reduce the size of a color flyer I downloaded from a web site. It is currently an 8 mg JPG and it need to be 4 or less to send on to a person who is going to place it in a magazine. I am limited on editing programs, although, I have Microsoft picture Office Manager and I have a new laptop with Win Pic Live gallery, also picassa and Photoshop element. However, I am limited in knowledge of Photoshop elements (just learning it now). Is there anyway I can reduce the size of this flyer? It is also in a PDF format, but, that is even larger? Thank You, Di Dear Di So as not to compromise quality, I would split that flier into two pieces. If the magazine, that you are sending it to, uses low resolution or is an on-line magazine, then you can safely reduce the Dots Per Inch, which drastically cuts down the file size. I use PSP for all graphics work, and if some printer requires PDF, I export it to PDF with Open Office, then upload it to the web and send them the URL They all seem to be quite happy about it, especially since that method does not plug up their email. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you." And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes. Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!" Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Drive-in movie If you have a drive-in movie theatre near you, it can be a fun and relatively inexpensive way to see a movie as a family. Most drive-ins have no problem with you bringing in your own snacks and some even allow you to barbecue before the show. Most drive-in theaters also show a double feature. Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Ideas By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Drive-ins are almost extinct. There are only 400 of them left in the entire US. However, there are a few traveling Drive-Ins, that tour around and can be booked as fund raisers. They are extremely popular and you need to be there at least three hours early, to get a spot. But you can smoke, and you can barbecue on the tailgate. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones." "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, we were at the Kroger supermarket!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Solar Cars
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: JPG versus JPEG 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 15, 2008

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. --- Leo Buscaglia
Thanks to Sandie for this story: All of his life, Len had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So, when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his friend, Corky, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked Len straight in the eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great- grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: Would anyone know what lovely marked species of frog this is? Found in a babbling brook in the Cyprus Hills. Sue
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Orange County, California Sheriff's Dept. Massive police action at Annual Moon Over Amtrack event Sheriff's deputies told some 8,000 partiers to pull up their pants Saturday afternoon, shutting down the annual celebration known as "Moon Over Amtrak." California Highway Patrol officers were called in to assist Orange County sheriff's deputies in shutting down the event, where thousands of people bared their rear ends to passing Metrolink and Amtrak trains, reported KNBC-TV in Los Angeles. More than 50 law officers broke up the event because of complaints by a few sniveling ninnies about public nudity, said Orange County Sheriff's Department spokesman Jim Amormino. "There were complaints about the mooning, women lifting their tops and a couple cases of complete nudity," Amormino said. There were also reports of public alcohol consumption at the event, which has been prohibited in the past. Amormino said the crowd dispersed peacefully when the mooning was over, and no arrests were made. The event originated in 1979, at the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel, when K.T. Smith told friends he would buy a drink for anyone willing to run outside to the rail road tracks and moon the next train. Many of Smith's drinking buddies did, and the mooning tradition lived on -- although nowadays no one volunteers to buy drinks for the thousands of mooners who come out every year.
A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we have you scheduled for a foursome next Saturday."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish from Oz Re: JPG versus JPEG Dear Webby Very short ask of you this time, it's what's the difference between JPG and JPEG. Might be interesting to all your other 'devout' readers too as some of them may be as "unschooled" in 'tech terms' as I am. I do know that I have read what jpg etc means but hasn't registered, just want to know the difference and which or what I should 'save as'. Regards to you and yours, thinking your dad will be hiking all about as the weather should be quite nice in his part of the world now, freezing here (well to me it is). Regards Trish Dear Trish There is no difference. JPEG stands for Joint Photographic Experts Group, the group that originally wrote the standard for JPG. In the early days of computing, the UNIX and Windows world arbitrarily settled on 3 letter extensions, since the other, older graphics format: GIF also had 3 letters. The Mac side wanted to be snooty and different, and used the 4 letter JPEG extension. The net originally was strictly UNIX, so JPG took hold and all software recognizes it, but nowadays most software also accepts the long 4 letter extension. It's just a matter of being snooty and wanting to appear different, like some women demanding to be addressed as Ms, not as Miss or Mrs. Well, I don't have time for a Ms, and I don't waste typing effort on a 4 letter name for a file, that works just fine when I call it jpg. If your browser wants to save a file as jpg, even though some Ms may have called it jpeg before, let it. The time to worry is when your browser tries to save a file as BMP. That is the crude Windows Bitmap from the barefoot DOS days, that Windows shifts down to when it is just about crashed or doesn't have enough free memory to do things right. When you see it trying to save a file as BMP, quickly save everything that is open and close what is not absolutely necessary, then run CrapCleaner. After that it will save the file properly as JPG. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21 . . . Yes! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . . You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . . Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Herbal Tea Facial Steamer Boil 1/2 quart of water. Then put two chamomile tea bags (or a handful of dried chamomile flowers) in a bowl and pour the boiling water over them. Put one towel under the bowl and another over your head. Lean over the bowl and breath in the chamomile for 5-10 minutes. If it gets too hot, let steam escape by lifting up the towel. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Recipes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Beauty_Beauty ... _3351.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Calgary International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat." I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around, prepared to unleash a verbal assault that he would never forget . . . but found myself face to face with a smiling pilot.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Japanese Classical Music
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: How do I clean out miscellaneous malware? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 14, 2008

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --- Mark Twain No man ever listened himself out of a job. --- Calvin Coolidge
An eighty year-old lady wins the lottery. Not wanting her to die of shock upon learning this, her children consult her doctor on how to break the news. The doctor comes over to the lady's house. "What would you do if you won ten million dollars?" he asks her. The lady replies, "Why, since you've been such a good doctor to me, I would give half of it to you." The doctor immediately died of shock.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Barkley Sound, BC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven Sprague, 48, of West Palm Beach, Fla. $9,500 Verizon bill WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- A West Palm Beach, Fla., man is suing Verizon Wireless in state court after his family incurred a $9,500 wireless Internet bill in just 11 days. Steven Sprague, 48, said he was given a free wireless card for his laptop computer when he re-upped his two-year contract with Verizon and the suit claims he was told by a sales agent that the unlimited wireless card usage from his previous plan would carry over, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported. However, the card was broken by Sprague's wife after only 11 days of use by the couple and their three children, ages 16, 12 and 8. Nonetheless, Sprague said, his bill for the month was nearly $9,500. "I was ticked off at her for breaking the card, but she was doing me the biggest favor in the world," he said. "At least it stopped there." Sprague said he took the bill to the Circuit City kiosk where he re-upped his contract and found the plan was not unlimited, but instead included a 49-cent surcharge for each megabyte over 5 gigabytes of monthly use. "This case is either the classic bait-and-switch situation or, worst case, just a blatant attempt to get people in a contract where they don't know what they are getting into," said Sprague's lawyer, Philip Valente Jr. ------------ $9,500 is by no means the biggest bill for wireless abuse, and there has been plenty of publicity about it over the last few years. I realize that Verizon is not a prime choice of ISP, mainly because of their email problems, but 25 Gigabytes in 11 days is more file transfer, than a lot of very popular web sites do. Since fanatic abuse like that takes away capacity, that otherwise 250 ordinary clients could use, I can understand that Verizon has to draw a line somewhere and take a stand. If Sprague wants more than 5 GB / month, he can sign up for a business account. Whining and sniveling that a cheap 5 GB account has a per MB charge above 5 GB won't get him anything except lawyer bills.
In July, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold." So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re:Cleaning out miscellaneous malware Hi Mr Webby; Time to pick your brain now...... I have came across a couple of friends that has a computer problem with the same type of problem..... What is happening here is that have loaded up their pc with alot of adware & spyware .... and possible malware junk. Their pc's are freezing up on them so bad that I can not get in there to even clean up their mess..... So now here is the big question for you..... ! HOW CAN I LOCATE AND GET RID OF ALL OF THIS MESS THAT THEY HAVE CREATED? Sorry for the caps.......but this has really bothered me quite some. Have a great day..... Eddie Dear Eddie Formatting always works. That will teach the silly yahoos. Upload their produced and collected data (spreadsheets, docs, pictures and music) to the net or to a DVD, write down the serial numbers of all bought and paid for software, thenFormat and re-install Windows. Download the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker from my toolbox, install a decent Anti-Virus and firewall, Spybot-Search&Destroy and Crap Cleaner. Re-install the legitimate software, without any flaky registry screwers and speeder upper BS, download the produced data, and it's done. The machine will be as fast as the day they bought it. Anything else will just lead to ulcers and wasted time. Have FUN! Dear Webby

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but to be sure, she asked, "I'm sorry, who?" The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" The man on the phone said, "Well, I was planning to donate ten thousand dollars to the church's building fund . . ." The secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the old pig just waddled in!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Sun and Antique Furniture Sunlight makes dark wood lighter and light wood darker. Prevent uneven discoloration of antique furniture by keeping it away from windows that receive direct sunlight. Once a piece of furniture has changed color, you may need to completely refinish the piece to restore it. Visit ThriftyFun For More Furniture Care Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_591.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Shutterbugs
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Dear Webby: Anti Virus Program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 13, 2008

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. --- Fran Lebowitz
"Dana," asked Kim thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?" "Another woman with MY husband?" Dana thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
Thanks to Jai for this picture: Bee on an Azalea
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Louie Herrera of Los Angeles Drunk Intruder LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- A 71-year-old Los Angeles woman said she was able to stop an attacker in her home from assaulting her daughter by offering him beer. Linda Dodson, 45, said a large man entered her room and attacked her at 3:37 a.m. Monday while her mother was sleeping in the next room, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles, reported. "He had his big hands ... on my throat, my mouth and my nose and I'm flopping ... when he released his hand for a second, I just let out t his blood-scorching scream," Dodson said. Dodson's mother said she came into her daughter's room to investigate the scream and jumped onto the attacker's back. However, she said she decided to switch tactics after the attacker threw her against a wall and grabbed her face so hard the lenses popped out of her glasses. "I just looked at him because I could tell he had been drinking and I said, ' I don't know about you, but I could use a beer, how about you?'" she said. "And he said yes." The mother and daughter took the suspect into their living room and gave him a beer, which seemed to calm him. Linda Dodson said she phoned 911 after excusing herself to go to the bathroom and police arrived soon after. Louie Herrera, a convicted child molester, was arrested on suspicion of residential burglary, false imprisonment, and resisting arrest. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that he had been stealing building supplies for years from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But, if you got the blueprint, I can get the lumber."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Patti Re: What kind of Antivirus? Dear Webby, I finally got my modem, and am now flying instead of crawling. I need to pick your brain again. Can you recommend a good virus protector? Earthlink, has the latest Norton, that I can try free for 30 days, and then pay $8-9. month after that. Is Norton a good choice, or do you know of a better one. My Grandkids use my pc, and I can't be in the room with them every min. and while they may be computer savy, the two youngest are to quick to click on things they shouldn't. I would greatly appreciate any advice you you can send me. Take care and be happy. Patti I use McAfee Virus Scan and Firewall and have used it for over 20 years. It's around $30 a year. Norton used to be pretty good, but nowadays I would not use it for a business machine. It does some weird stuff and is difficult to remove cleanly. Have FUN! Dear Webby

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, John stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Cool on Hot Days When it's really hot and you don't have air conditioning, try putting together this frugal "swamp cooler". Fill a bowl up with cool water and set it in front of a fan so the fan blows air over the top of the water. Toss some ice cubes in the water occasionally to help keep it cool. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cooling Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_582.html Actually, it is better if you skip the ice cubes. The most cooling happens from evaporating the water, from making it change it's state from liquid to vapor. Cooling the water hinders that. The more water you evaporate, the more you cool the house. A wet curtain on the window, where the wind blows IN, can cool your place as fast as any air conditioning, if you have a good breeze blowing through. It takes only 1 calorie to warm 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius, but it takes 450 calories to make it change it's state from liquid to vapor. If the water is warm and if the surface area is large, more evaporation happens, but it still takes 450 calories per gram of water to make it happen. A fuzzy, loose weave curtain or an old afghan, with very warm water on it, and a good breeze of dry air, will cause the most cooling. However, if it is already humid, forget it. Evaporative cooling needs dry air to be effective. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" And the young farmer said, "Well, he's under the load of hay."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Working Replica of the Ark
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Why is there a $90 ransom for XP? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 12, 2008

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. --- H. L. Mencken
Thanks to Connie for this story: A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?' 'Ever since my wife found it in my truck'
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Cool back yard
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to William Vickers, 46, in Cleveland Heights, Ohio Sent in by Deeli Helpful Burglar CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, said they arrested a suspected serial burglar after he stopped to offer assistance to two officers. The police said William Vickers, 46, stopped at about 1 a.m. Sunday to offer assistance to two officers who were attempting to help a woman who had locked herself out of her car, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported Tuesday. The officers told Vickers they had the situation well in hand but as the seemingly good Samaritan began walking away and into the light of a street lamp, one of the officers recognized him as a suspect in the After Midnight Burglar case. Vickers is suspected of multiple burglaries four years ago as well as a break-in reported last week. Police fliers posted around the city bear the suspect's face. "It was nice of Willie to offer to help, and he probably has more experience getting into cars than our two officers on the scene," Police Chief Martin Lentz said. However, Vickers, who allegedly fought against the officers and damaged the woman's car, now faces multiple charges including burglary, assault on a police officer and resisting arrest. He was being held in Cleveland Heights Jail. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Bambi, a young cutie, sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said the blonde, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Charlene Re: Why $90 ransom for XP? Dear Webby: Why does Dell charge $90 more if you want XP, and why can't you buy the machines without them poisoned with Vista? I don't see why I can't have a machine without that dumpsterware on it. Charlene Dear Charlene In their attempts to lie and cheat about Vista usage, Microsoft requires OEMs to preload computers with Vista, or else they will lose their OEM status. Even though you and almost everybody else will do the initial start up with the XP CD in the CD drive and format Vista off it, without ever running it, Microsoft still reports it as one more Vista machine. The reason Dell charges $90 more for the XP CD is becuse they can get away with it. It is simple extortion and has nothing to do with cost. They know you want XP, and that you will pay the $90 ransom. It's cheaper than suing them, and it's still cheaper than a Toshiba. Have FUN! Dear Webby

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Video Games If your kids need extra cash this summer, help them sell their old and unwanted video games on eBay. After a few months of play most video games are put on the shelf never to be played again. There are always people looking to buy used video games on eBay. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _1307.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?" Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet" George: "So what are you looking for?" Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU" Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Yurt Capital of the World:Ulaan Baatar, Mongolia
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Problems with gui.exe 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 11, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand. --- Frank Herbert
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons." "Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?" "Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
Thanks to Jim for these pictures: Hi, Webby! Our Night-blooming Cereus did its thing this week - here come a couple of photos to prove it(!). -- -jdm
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a naked nut in Las Vegas Sent in by Ross Naked man arrested after hijacking Las Vegas bus The Associated Press | Wednesday, Jul 9 2008 7:56 AM Maybe he lost his shirt at a casino. Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation.
A butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them..........Moosellaneous.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cheryl Re: gui.exe Dear Webby: I have windows XP Home operating system and lately , whenever I start up the computer I get a little window that says "Application Error - GUI.exe The application failed to initialise properly (0x0000022) Click OK to terminate the application." Don't know what it is on about and when I click OK all continues as it should. Do you know if I can delete this program or is it integral to the operating system? Thanks for your help once again!! Cheryl Dear Cheryl That is just spyware reporting what size bra you order and what you do at the bank. And it opens a back door for other people to enter your computer and use it for spamming. gui.exe is a process belonging to an advertising program by searchnugget.com. This process monitors your browsing habits and distributes the data back to the author's servers for analysis. This also prompts advertising popups. This process is a security risk and should be removed from your system. Somebody apparently agreed to carrying it on the computer as a small print condition for getting some "free" stuff. Because of that agreement, makers of programs, that remove it automatically, can be sued. Big companies like McAfee, that have big herds of staff lawyers, kill it anyway. You can also try Spybot-Search&Destroy. It is free. If that doesn't do it, use McAfee. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Kids! Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married? ******************************************************* -"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common? *********************************************************** -"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married? ************************************************************* -"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9 How to Make a Marriage Work ********************************** -"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a smashed up dumpster." Ricky, age 7 How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married? ************************************************************* - "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 - "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Additional Warranties at Checkout At checkout at electronic or home improvement stores, the clerk will always offer you an additional warranty. Only buy products that have good warranties in the first place, and say "No" when a checker offers you an impulse warranty on electronics. Also, your credit card may offer extended warranties on purchased items already. Visit ThriftyFun For More Consumer Advice By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Consumer%20Ad ... _6143.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tall Ships
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Bad Windows Update 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 10, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status. --- Laurence J. Peter
Thanks to Toni for this classic: Spell Checker Blues Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it to say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh As soon as a mist ache is maid I nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong Eye have run this poem threw it Eye am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew -author unknown-
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Carlos Tanner of Hillsborough County, Florida Sent in by Sandie Deputy Accused Of Terrorizing Wife With Taser Tuesday, July 08, 2008 10:48:01 AM DOVER -- Hillsborough County Sheriff's deputy Carlos Tanner was arrested Monday morning for allegedly using his police weapons on his wife. Deputies said the two were involved in a dispute when Tanner used the Taser on his wife three times, causing burns on her stomach. Tanner is also accused of placing his service weapon, a silver automatic handgun, to her head for 10 seconds. After the alleged attack, Tanner's wife ran to a friend's house to call 911. "They always, always went to church, attended church regularly. They were faithful people, so I'm just shocked," said Doris Randall, a family friend. One of Tanner's fellow deputies came out to his home and arrested him. Tanner is being held in the Hillsborough County jail with no bond. He has been placed on administrative leave without pay. http://www.cfnews13.com/News/Local/2008 ... taser.html
Kids! - It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. - It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. - Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. - Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have. - The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. - There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it - Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one. - There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walter Re: Last Windows Update has a bug Dear Webby: Just rec'd this from a friend- if it's true, might be worth a humor letter note. ________________________________________- If you're religious about letting Microsoft update your PC -- and you use ZoneAlarm -- your system might not let you access the Internet. Tuesday's update from Microsoft included KB951748, a fix for a Domain Name System (DNS) security flaw in Windows XP. Using ZoneAlarm? Don't install the KB951748 update. What's The Problem? The update conflicts with the free version of ZoneAlarm, so if you install the update, the next time you boot the system, you won't have Internet access. There's a simple enough work-around -- uninstall the update. Some users have changed ZoneAlarm's settings from high to medium in order to resolve the problem. That's easy, sure, but not if you're locked out of the Internet and can't read this. If you have a buddy that you know uses ZA, do something you haven't done since discovering e-mail: Give him or her a call (they'll undoubtedly be surprised and probably won't recognize your voice). Walter Thanks Walter! I got a few letters from people today, who had to restore Windows to before Tuesday's bug fix update.This seems to explain why they had to do that. I know it was a sloppy update that didn't re-start everything that had been running, but I didn't realize just how sloppy it was. Have FUN! Dear Webby

A father was reading his paper one day when his son came in and said, "Dad, will you take me to the zoo tomorrow?" His father said, "No. If they really want you, they will come and get you."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ironing Tip: Heavily Wrinkled Jeans For heavily wrinkled jeans, iron them on a damp towel. It will create steam on both sides and iron the jeans much faster. This also works well on thick cotton clothing, like sweatshirts. Visit ThriftyFun For More Laundry Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn an old man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the BIBLE that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury? That's a Plymouth Fury just like our neighbor has on blocks in front of his trailer!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lightning Bug
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: How to connect to the net in hotels 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 9, 2008

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. --- Errol Flynn Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. --- George F. Will
Thanks to Roland for this report: My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: Carpenter Bee
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 43 year old woman in Porter valley, California Sent in by Cookie Mighty Hunter! Woman Shoots Herself While Trying to Kill Mice Tuesday, July 08, 2008 POTTER VALLEY, Calif. — A Mendocino County woman who was trying to kill mice in her trailer with a gun ended up shooting herself and another person. The 43-year-old woman pulled out her .44-caliber Magnum revolver after she saw the mice scurrying across the floor of her trailer on Highway 20 in Potter Valley, sheriff's officials said. But she accidentally dropped the gun, which went off as it struck the floor. The bullet went through the woman's kneecap, bounced off the keys sitting on the belt loop of a 42-year-old man in the trailer and grazed the man's groin before ending up in his coin pocket. Authorities did not release the shooting victims' names. The mice escaped the shooting unharmed, but PETA claims that the noise caused severe emotional trauma to the mice and was cruelty to the animals.
Thanks to Sandie for this one: Woman to her fiancee: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." "That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles." "That's because we aren't married yet!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tam Re: Connecting in hotels Dear Webby: hello, as always thank you for the humor, always love it. I have a question about my daughters laptop, how does that work at most motels? I am not sure if the one we are going to is wireless or not. If yes, then should pick up signal and be able to use the net correct? If it doesnt have wireless, do I need to get internet provider to be able to use it? This wireless stuff is all new to me. thanks for the help Tam Dear Tam When I prepare for a trip, I book all hotels and motels over the Internet. When you select a hotel and check up on it, you see if they have high speed Internet. They always mention it, if they got it. As a rule of thumb, 4* and 5* always have wireless high speed, 3* sometimes has wireless, sometimes just data ports. (Dial-Up) 2 star has a charge per call or directions to a pay-phone. Personally, if they don't have high speed Internet and smoking rooms, then they are not good enough for me. There usually is a satisfactory hotel or motel a block further. The better hotels have a card with log-on instructions and the password on the table or glued onto the power bar. If they don't, call the front desk and ask for it. When your wireless finds the signal, or when you plug in a network cable, and THEN open a browser, (-don't open one before that! -), the browser will be hijacked to the log-on page. Once you are logged in, you get control of the browser back and can do anything you can do at home. If a hotel or motel does not hve high sped Internet, then you have to use dial-up to an account that you already have. I have an Earthlink dial-up account, just in case some disaster strands me between towns, that have High Speed Internet. That has been my traveling account for about 14 years now. It comes in hande at least once or twice a year, when the DSL in some hotel malfunctions or is overloaded. No problem, I just dial up via Earthlink and send the Humor Letter out that way. Have FUN! Dear Webby

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reinforcing Paper Plates A frisbee will add support to paper plates when the plate is place inside the frisbee. Of course, after you are all done eating, you can always play with it! Visit ThriftyFun For More Picnic Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recreation_Pi ... _2381.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Ben got up to read his. "The neighbor fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Ben. "He stopped yelling yesterday."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Great WWII Aircraft Pix
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby, how do I open swf files? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 8, 2008

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty. --- Cecil Baxter I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. --- Rodney Dangerfield
Thanks to Jai for this story: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure, Jacob. . . something about the emergency brake."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Lily of the Nile
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lynne Rice, 74, of Norwalk, California Woman drives car into store NORWALK, Calif. (UPI) -- An elderly California woman was arrested after she allegedly drove her car into the windows of a convenience store and then tried to buy beer, police said. Lynne Rice, 74, is accused of driving her 1988 Cadillac into the front windows of Joe's Food Mart, said Lt. Jenny Ha of the Norwalk Sheriff's Station. Officials said damages from the Sunday crash total about $8,000. The store owner said after the 112-pound woman crashed into the store she got out of the car and tried to buy a six-pack of Bud. Rice allegedly shoved the cashier when he refused to make the sale, the Long Beach (Calif.) Press-Telegram reported. Ha said no injuries were reported in the incident, but Rice received medical treatment for an existing health problem. Rice was released Sunday from the Norwalk Sheriff's Station on $15,000 bail after being arrested on suspicion of drunken driving, the newspaper said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now, go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" "Yes. Why, what do you think that means?" "That means we're 'piscopalians."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tom Re: How do I open swf files? Dear Webby: First let me say I enjoy your newsletter and look for it every day. I have a question " when I get links in my email with a swf ending it gives me a blank page what can I do to get these to open so I can see them. Thanks for any help you can give me. Have a Blessed Day Tom Dear Tom swf files are Flash files. You need a Flash reader like for example Adobe reader http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/acrrwhatsnew.html or any of the flash readers that you see at http://www.google.com/search?hl=en& ... tnG=Search Have FUN! Dear Webby

After the Fourth of July the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Locally Owned Hardware Stores Getting the right tools and supplies the first time will save you time and money when working on a home improvement project. If you are lucky enough to have a quality "Mom and Pop" or locally owned hardware store in your town with experienced staff, be sure to take advantage of it. Visit ThriftyFun For More Computer Advice By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Consumer%20Ad ... _6143.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Great WWII Aircraft Pix
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Lost IE Favorites 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 7, 2008

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. --- Mae West A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores. --- Terry Pratchett How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. --- Abraham Lincoln
Thanks too SSS for this confession: First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted. As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?" "Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: When on a trail ride today on the prairies, I came across this well camouflaged Night Hawk sitting tight on her eggs, which are laid directly on the ground. Sue
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ricardo Gonzalez, 35, of Midlothian, Illinois Sent in by Sandie Caged kids Fri Jul 4, 1:47 AM ET A suburban Chicago man locked his two young daughters in a wire cage hidden in the backseat of his pickup truck because he didn't have a baby sitter, officials said Thursday. Ricardo Gonzalez, 35, of Midlothian, was arrested Monday after a woman at a gas station in Posen heard a crying child and spotted him pushing small hands back into a cage, police said. He had a wire cage behind the front seats of his truck, police said. Black-tinted windows and a large plywood board in the back window concealed it. Gonzalez told police he used the cage because he didn't have a baby sitter. He also said he wanted to control the girls, ages 2 and 5, so they wouldn't wander away. Police said the girls did not live in the cage. Gonzalez will appear in court July 31 on charges of misdemeanor child endangerment. Cook County prosecutors were exploring Thursday whether the charge could be upgraded to a felony. The children were turned over to the state child welfare agency and placed in foster care Monday. Agency spokesman Kendall Marlowe said the department was investigating abuse allegations against the father. It had previously found the mother neglectful and provided unspecified "supportive services" to the family. ----------------------- It seems ironic that Gonzalez probably meant well, but just didn't have a clue about how to deal with the kids. A cargo net to keep the little escape artists from unbuckling and wandering around the gas station is one thing, but a cage is getting a bit carried away.
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re:Lost Favorites Dear Webby: I have a big problem this time...somehow my "My Favorites" has disappeared...I have run "search" and it didn't find it. I did run Regcure the other day but didn't need "MF" until today.... could that have wiped it out? Is there someway this can be retrieved. Any help will be gratefully received. Ann Dear Ann Are you beginning to see why I don't recommend regcure and similar stuff? I don't know of any way to retrieve lost IE favorites, that is why I frequently recommend saving them to a file. Just remember: ALT FINE If you do that once a week, you bookmarks are never too far out of date and can be IMPORTED into the Favorites again.. Just in case you DID at one time do that when I mentioned it in the Humor Letter, do a search for "bookmark". If you find a bookmark.html or bookmark.txt, you can import them into your Favorites. Have FUN! Dear Webby

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . they must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . I must be a God!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Excess Water Under Sink Keep an empty gallon jug near the kitchen sink, and pour any leftover water from cooking or drinking into it. Once the jug is full, use the water on plants in the garden or home. House plants should be watered in the evening to reduce loss to evaporation. Visit ThriftyFun For More Green Living Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Green%20Living_441.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The kindergarten teacher was aghast at the words one of her charges was using. Taking him aside, she tried to exercise care and good judgment, but was intent on nipping this kind of language in the bud. "Where in the world did you ever hear anybody talking like that, anyway?" she asked. "In our car this morning," he answered cheerfully. "When Daddy was trying to hurry and drive me to school." "Well," she said. "I'm sure you don't know what it means, dear, but you must never use that language again." "But I do know what it means," he said. "It means the car won't start."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: New England Antique Market
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Gray Boxes instead of pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 6, 2008

You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. --- John J. Plomp
Thanks to Toni for these new Church Bulletin Bloopers: The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Thanks to Sandie for these pictures:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a man in Anderson, Ohio Sent in by Sandie Almost a Darwin Award Rescuers removed a man who was accidentally dumped into a Rumpke Truck on July 4, 2008 (WKRC-TV) A man is taken to the hospital after being dumped into a Rumpke Garbage truck. This happened at the UDF station at Beechmont and Elstun in Anderson Township around 10:30 this morning. The man climbed into the dumpster to get out of the rain. The garbage truck picked up the load without realizing that the man had moved in. He was taken from the truck by members of the Fired Department, using a ladder truck and stretcher, and was checked out at the hospital. http://www.local12.com/news/local/story ... 4cafea1044 Betty-Sue Rooter, president of the local Dumpster Divers Association, is demanding a bylaw requiring dumpster truck drivers to knock first, before hoisting or emptying or looking into the dumpsters.
City Boy: Say, Dad, how many kinds of milk are there? Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, low-fat, non-fat, regular, and, uh, why do you want to know? City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many spigots to put on her.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re:Gray Squares istead of pictures Dear Webby: I don't know if this is the proper way to ask a question. I don't seem to be able to see pictures included in most emails. I am able to see the ones in your letter each morning, but in all other emails, all I can see is gray squares where the pictures should be. There are no attachments shown in the headers, either. I have looked in Internet Options but can't see anything that would apply. I also restored my computer to a time 2 weeks back when I was still able to see pictures. Do you know of any setting I may have inadvertently messed up? Carol Dear Carol If you still see my pictures, your settings are OK. Don't mess with them! I too get occasional mail with gray squares from people who don't know how to embed pictures. Usually they use Incredimail or Outlook Depressed. A red X means there is no picture with THAT name. A gray square means that they have that picture, but didn't embed it properly. IF you think their pictures are worth the hassles, you can tell them to write to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com and ask her how to properly embed pictures so that the pictures come through, instead of the gray squares. Have FUN! Dear Webby

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had, she could write!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Labeling Moving Boxes Label items with a permanent marker. Make sure to note the contents in the box and which room it belongs in. Also clearly mark boxes with breakable items with "FRAGILE". For a very organized move, mark each box with a number and keep an inventory of which items are in each box. Visit ThriftyFun For More Moving Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Mo ... 9_693.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy... "I give up," she said. "What is it?" The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Smithsonian
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Cooler computers run faster 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 5, 2008

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. --- Albert Einstein
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
I had received the Beer Store and the Pot of Gold pictures years apart, but finally found both of them on the same day while sorting pictures and put them together.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lasse Jonsson, of Malmoe, Sweden Sent in by Ross Most ridiculous commuter Fri Jul 4, 10:14 AM ET STOCKHOLM (AFP) - A man deemed to have the shortest and "most ridiculous commute" in Malmoe has won a bicycle as part of a campaign to reduce car traffic in the southern Swedish city , an organiser said Friday. "A man called Lasse Jonsson won the contest after his girlfriend Anna Holm signed him up. He drives his car every day less than 200 metres (650 feet) between his home and workplace, and also drives another few hundred metres to lunch," Sara Forslund told AFP. Forslund is one of the organisers of Malmoe's municipal campaign called "No ridiculous car journeys".
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a man on the floor. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your husband?" "Yes." "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the woman answers. She stifles a sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five . . . six . . . put me down for a five."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re:Cool computers are faster No Questions today, so I'll write about a timely concern. In summer it is even more important to keep your computer cool. When the CPU heats up, it shifts to a slower speed, and the fans in the computer shift to higher speeds. That not only cranks up the power bill, but it attracts more dust bunnies into the computer, which compounds the problem. If you want to speed up your computer, don't constipate it with speeder-upper and registry messer programs, just turn it off, open the cover, and vacuum it out. Depending on how long you have neglected it, you may have to pop the fan shrouds and go after the heat sinks with Q-Tips or pipe cleaners. Nowadays the fan shrouds are just snap fit and don't require any tools to pop them off. The heat sink underneath the fan shroud is the key to cooling. If it is not clean and bright and shiny, it is not transferring the CPU heat to the air properly. Even though the heat sink is usually removable, it's not a good idea to take it off and tossing it into the dishwasher. If you do take it off, you will notice a white, sticky mess on the back of it. That is heat sink grease, which fills the microscopic gaps and low spots between the CPU and the heat sink and ensures that the entire CPU is cooled, and not just three high spots. If you do remove the heat sink, you have to clean the now hardened heat sink grease off it and apply a fresh dab of it to it, before putting it back onto the CPU. Every electronics store sells it, and it's no big deal to put a little dab of grease onto it, but if you don't have any heat sink grease handy, then don't take the heat sink off. Just clean it where it is. Q-Tips and fuzzy pipe cleaners work best. If you need to use liquid, rubbing alcohol, gas line anti-freeze or lock-de-icer work best. Five minutes of cleaning can make a very noticeable difference in your computer's performance. By the way, set your hard drives and monitor to turn off after 5 minutes of inactivity. When you are not actively using the machine, they are just dumb heaters. You don't need a screen saver to amuse the cat or the dust bunnies, and you don't really need them to give the air conditioning an extra 150 Watts worth of heat to remove. You pay for the 150 Watts of heating, and probably twice that for the air conditioner to get rid of it. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Three women died and went to heaven. At the gate they met St. Peter who asked them how they died. Woman 1: St. Peter I have always been a good woman. I was happily married and I never had an outside relationship. One day I went for a walk and my heart gave out on me. St. Peter: Bless you my child. Take the golden key and go the golden door. Your reward will be with you soon. Woman 2: St Peter I was also a good woman, but I cheated on my husband a couple of times. I went out one day to meet my lover and was killed in a car crash. St. Peter: Forgiveness is a part of life here. Take the silver key and go to the silver door. Your reward will be with you soon. Woman 3: St Peter, I had sex with everybody. I loved it so much. One of my lovers caught me betraying him and killed me. St. Peter: Take this key and go to my door, I will be there with you soon.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sales - Advertising Your Yard Sale The best and cheapest way to advertise a yard sale is with good signs. The further away from your home you put the signs, the more potential customers you will draw to your sale. Make sure that both the date of the sale and your address are printed on the signs as well as a large arrow directing people to your sale. Yard Sale Finds: Turning Trash Into Treasure http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf911694.tip.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Smithsonian
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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dear Webby: Save XP petitions 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 4, 2008
Happy Independence Day!



Today is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops

Thanks to Sandie for this classic: Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. Then she went to visit her mother for two weeks and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that her husband had surprised her by installing beautiful new cabinets. A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."
Thanks to Jay for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Phillip Boucher, 45, of St Cathrines, Ontario Sent in by Jackie Failed bridge jump causes thousands in damage The St. Lawrence Seaway Management Corp. said it will cost hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to replace a bridge warning gate that a driver crashed through on Canada Day. But it says the real cost was to the Queenston Street drivers trying to cross the Homer Bridge, which was closed for hours Tuesday. "The greatest inconvenience was to the general public," said Seaway spokesperson Andrew Bogora. A 45-year-old St. Catharines man was charged with dangerous operation of a motor vehicle after he tried to jump his car over the bridge as it was being raised. Witnesses said the Buick LeSabre accelerated through the warning gate Tuesday around 7 a. m., and continued racing up the bridge as it was lifting. As the span rose, the car started to slide backwards and the driver jumped out. The Buick slid backwards and disappeared through the gap between the bridge deck and the road, plunging into the water. Bogora said he'd never heard anything like it. "I've been with the Seaway since 2001, and I have never come across anything of this nature." Any time the Seaway has to interrupt traffic on the Welland Canal there's a cost to the Seaway and its customers, Bogora said. Fortunately, on Tuesday, the car's plunge in the water didn't halt ship traffic. The approaching ship was far enough away from the bridge that it didn't have to stop when the car fell into its path. The Buick was pulled out of the canal with a crane during a lull between ships passing. The incident, which was like something out of a movie, was likely caught on film. Seaway officials will review its videos, as they always do in any incidents. "We often review tapes to review the event itself and ask ourselves what can we do to prevent future events of this nature," Bogora said. But with a system that includes sirens, traffic lights and barriers, Bogora said most people would agree the Seaway did everything it could. Phillip Boucher will appear in court Aug. 29.
Thanks to Roland for this story: John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie." "I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: Campaign seeks to save Windows XP Dear Webby, Thought this might interest you - if you haven't seen it already. Linda Campaign seeks to save Windows XP SAN FRANCISCO (UPI) -- A San Francisco editor for a popular tech site says he is leading a campaign to stop Microsoft from discontinuing sales of Windows XP this week..... Dear Linda Yes, saw that this spring. However, the Emperor said his clothes are fine and most $6000 computers can run Vista with only minor tweaking. He also pointed out that if you buy Vista Ultimate (the version that won't run on computers that cost less than $4000), then you can get an XP CD from them for free. If you have Vista Home, you have to buy XP on eBay from one of the Thousands of people who stocked up while it was still available, or buy an old klunker at a yard sale and use it's XP CD. That boneheaded attitude boosted Linux installations by 18% so far this year, and even Mac reports record sales increases. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample." The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such an immoral thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. " The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods. By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample." She thought a minute. "He's a business man? So tell him I don't give free samples. If he wants, I can give him 50 or 60 references."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stay Cool This Summer While Saving Energy If you use air-conditioning, set your thermostat as high as comfortably possible in the summer. The less difference between the indoor and outdoor temperatures, the lower your overall cooling bill will be. Don't set your thermostat at a colder setting at first, it will not cool your home any faster. Visit ThriftyFun For More Cooling Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Mo ... 9_693.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the day he was admitted his mother asked if the doctor would please circumcise the boy, since he's already going to be under anaesthesia. The boy woke up and was very sore "down there" there for several days. About a week later he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he, too, was also going to have to have his tonsils out. He asked the boy to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are."

Thanks to Carole for today's Bonus Link: America the beautiful Extra Bonus link thanks to Cathy http://www.sonnyradio.com/gatheringofmustangs.html View that in FireFox, so that you can zoom the video to full size!
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Collection of tech tips 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 3, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red,
to show your support for the troops

Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. --- James Baldwin
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: ----------- I still need a good picture for July 4. If you have something suitable to share, please send it to me!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Allen Praeger, 46, of Deland, Florida Florida man hits mom in head with sausage Published: July 2, 2008 DELAND, Fla. (AP) ­ A man was charged with battery after he hit his mother in the head with a three-pound package of Polish sausage, police said. Gregory Allen Praeger, 46, was in the kitchen cooking and talking on the phone when officers arrived Saturday night. His mother told police he had been drinking and arguing with her, then picked up the package of sausage and hurled it, grazing her head. She was not badly hurt and did not have to go to the hospital. Praeger confirmed his mother's story, police said. He was held on $500 bond, according to jail records. © 2008 Deseret News Publishing Company
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "How's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Tech tips booklet Dear Webby, Have read and enjoyed yor advice on many computer problems. At the time I may read them, that is not my problem, but later, I might wish to have that information. I'm wondering if it would be possible to compile a booklet containing these answers? I think it could be helpful to many. Always enjoy your letter. Roland Dear Roland You can go to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog and type a search word into the search there. It will find what you are looking for a lot faster than you would find it in a booklet. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Ah Sh!!!!" says his friend, "And I just joined the Elks."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Sidewalk Chalk Sidewalk chalk can make for hours of summer fun. The chalk can be used to draw hopscotch or four square lines on your driveway or patio. The kids can also just draw pictures. The pictures will last for a few days, until it rains, or it can be easily washed off with a garden hose. Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked, "What do you want, Sonny?" "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m- ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World's greatest Outdoor Show
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Fonts on MSN home page too small 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 2, 2008

Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity --- George Patton
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. "I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger." From another dressing room, I heard a woman call out, "Make that two!"
Thanks to Clarence for this picture: Blanket Flowers
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Dutch government Thanks to Sandie for sending in this link: What are they smoking in THAT government? A Dutch ban on cigarette smoking in public places takes effect today, but people still will be able to light up in the country's cafes — as long as they are smoking pot. The nationwide tobacco ban is intended to protect workers from secondhand nicotine smoke in bars, cafes and restaurants, not to keep them from getting stoned. http://abcnews.go.com/International/sto ... amp;page=1
My six-year-old grandson was playing one of his video games while I worked in the kitchen near him. He asked,"Grandma, what does 'veni, vidi, vici' mean?" I answered,"It means 'I came, I saw, I conquered.' Why do you ask?" He said,"It's here on my game." A short while later I heard him say, "So that's what the ol Romans said instead of 'Been there, done that, got their t-shirt' ?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: Small fonts on MSN Dear Webby, Another question for you... I've recently upgraded my monitor to a 22 inch Acer LCD monitor. MSN.com is my home page for the internet and I've set the font size to large on the home page (view, text size, large) but it still appears small on the MSN home page. Other pages ie google are fine. Is there something else that I should be doing? Thanks for the help and I keep voting on your site daily. Frank Dear Frank I had a look at their site and it does indeed look like it was written for people with little girl's eyesight, and zooms only from tiny to medium. It probably looks OK on the old 800 x 600 Mac that they use to write the page, but at today's resolution on current Windows machines, their font size limit is too low. Since all other pages display properly and only MSN malfunctions, I would suggest contacting MSN about that. Have FUN! Dear Webby

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but definitely not THOSE three!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Overflowing Toilet Take off the back of the toilet tank and push the stopper down so it stops allowing water into the bowl. Then reach down behind the toilet and turn off the water valve. Find your handy plunger to take care of the blockage. A few squirts of dish soap followed by hot water and waiting a bit, then plunging, usually unclogs it. Visit ThriftyFun For More Home Repair Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Repair_Home_1876_1884.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Haleakala National Park
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: More solutions for burning TV/DVDs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 1, 2008

Happy Canada Day!
You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. --- Wayne Gretzky
Thanks to the Vickster for sending this story: The first time I heard this story was when I was a fishing guide on a wilderness lake in the Yukon in 1971. I laughed so hard I scared the fish! This old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back about an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got suspicious as to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a short time. So he invited himself fishing with the old guy. They went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of dynamite and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the surface and the old guy starts scooping them up in his net. The game warden says, "You can't do that. That's illegal." The old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, tosses it to the game warden and says, "Your turn!"
Thanks to Tam for this rainbow picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the city of East St Louis, Illinois Scraping the bottom of the barrel EAST ST. LOUIS, Ill. (UPI) -- Some of the newest police officers in East St. Louis, Ill., have criminal records, and one of them took his oath while having an outstanding warrant, officials said. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Sunday that one of the new recruits -- the son of Police Chief Michael Baxton -- had been released from the U.S. Army for misconduct. Others have misdemeanor arrests, extensive traffic citations and multiple bankruptcies on their records. City officials admit they rushed the screening process to try to get as many officers into the police academy as possible by July 1. The city says it relied on its own investigations instead of waiting for Illinois State Police background checks, which the city received last week. City Manager Robert Betts said one of the new hires has already been dismissed, and the city will get rid of any other officers during the one-year probation period if troubling information surfaces. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days!" "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: many Re: Burning movies to TV/DVDs Dear Webby, I just went thru the same thing with my dad who also wished to burn DVD's. You have to purchase Nero 8 to do this! Nero 7 will not burn your movies to watch on your DVD player! Ruth ConvertXtoDvd is a good program for converting .avi files to .vob (DVD files) that you can burn to a DVD that will be playable on Tv DVD players. Edward ashampoo 7 will do the trick it cost about $40 Jeff Thanks Ruth, Edward and Jeff ! Have FUN! Dear Webby

Thanks to Jai for this story: Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Opening Clams Use a flat knife made for opening clams. Use a thick towel, glove or pot holder to protect the hand that is holding the clam. Hold the flat knife in your other hand, pull the shell opening towards knife until it penetrates between the shells, then stop. Simply rotate the knife to pry open the shell. Fresh clams open easier when they are cold. Visit ThriftyFun For More Seafood Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... _3712.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook and iron?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada Day
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
For more ezines, check the Ezine Directory: The Ezine Directory Top 20 Ezines





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