Reading bookmarks 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, July 31, 2010

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. --- Ronald Reagan The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --- Lucille Ball Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. --- John Russell
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, "'Do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''
Competition BBQ Secrets A barbecue instruction manual for the serious competitor and the back yard barbeque gourmet. Learn how to slow smoke ribs, chicken, butts, brisket, and turkey too! There is more to life than hamburgers! Click Here for the BBQ Secrets Book!
The young lady walked over to the room where she knew her friend was. "May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman blocking the door. "We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients," replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?" "Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the lady. "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman. "I'm his mother!"
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.

Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to the Kato family in Tokyo, Japan Tokyo's oldest man dead for 30 years On the occasion of Sogen Kato’s 111th birthday, officials in Tokyo, Japan wanted to pay the oldest man in the city a visit to celebrate his amazing milestone. But when they arrived at the home, they were turned away by Mr. Kato’s granddaughter, who told them, “My grandfather is well, but he’s refused to meet with anyone.” On Wednesday, the granddaughter went to police and told them the truth: Mr. Kato had been dead for at least 30 years, and was still in his bedroom. His mummified remains were lying in bed, wearing long underwear and covered by a blanket. A newspaper from 1978 was by his side. His family said Mr. Kato had taken to his room 30 years ago in an effort to be like Buddha and refused to eat or drink, the Daily Mainichi News reported. “He shut himself in a first-floor room about 30 years ago in line with his doctrines, refusing to take food or water. When we looked inside the room in March this year, we saw the skeletal remains of our grandfather,” a granddaughter told police. Mr. Kato lived with his daughter, 81, son-in-law, 83, and two grandchildren, 49 and 53. His wife died in 2004 at the age of 101. Police are now investigating the family on fraud charges, as a US$110,000 survivor’s pension was claimed in Mr. Kato’s name. Police also say US$31,000 was withdrawn from Mr. Kato’s account this month.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: Reading bookmarks Dear Webby, Saving a list of bookmarks is a great idea. Now I can save the list to my desktop then cut and paste them into a document and print them to study offline. My question is this: how can I get these bookmarks to display the URL without having to go to each one and open it? 'Nita Dear Nita By default, the bookmarks are saved in HTML format, the language that browsers understand. When you click on the shortcut to the exported bookmarks, FireFox, or whatever browser you use, opens the bookmarks file. When you hover over a link, it shows you the URL in the status line. (If you got Status Line checkmarked in VIEW). If you open the bookmarks file with Open Office Write, it pops a thumbnail with the URL whenever you hover the cursor over a Link I don't know of a free program, that will split links into Title and URL. However, once you have the bookmarks file open in Open Office Write, you can right-click a link, select COPY HYPERLINK LOCATION, move the cursor beside it, and hit CTRL V to paste the URL. Have FUN! DearWebby
Sue gave her hubby a state-of-the-art metal detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it out. When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine. Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off. Over and over, he adjusted and re-adjusted with no luck. After watching him for a while, Sue said, "I think I know what's wrong." "I know what I'm doing!" he snapped back. After 20 minutes, he finally turned to her. "Okay, what's wrong?" Sue said, "You're standing over the buried oil tank."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reusing Paper Towels If you don't have a salad spinner and use paper towels to dry lettuce, reuse the paper towels! Just drape them over a drying rack. They dry very quickly. Then fold them up and store with your kitchen linens until the next salad. You can also dry lettuce in clean dish towels and avoid using paper towels at all! By Stephanie from Anchorage, AK http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Back in the 1960s we didn't have the space station buzzing around within rifle range of the mountains to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy old moon. In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed, razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an axe, you just had to hope your axe was better than his. In my day you couldn't take basket weaving or acting instead of math. And that was before they invented calculators! If you couldn't calculate the trajectory of an intercontinental missile with a pencil and paper, well, then you just repeated Grade 6 until you could. It's actually not that hard if you know a bit of trig. In my day, we didn't have school buses. We had to hitch a ride on a dinosaur or wrap barb wire around our feet for traction and walk to school 5 Miles, and it was all uphill. Both ways!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

» Asphalt Volcanoes





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Hotmail Limits 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday, July 30, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to make a sailor blush. --- Socratex
Max dies and leaves Sadie with a total of $20,000 to her name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that she has no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me you still had $20,000 left just after Max died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $5,000. And of course, I made a donation to the temple, so that was another $5,000. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone? Vayismere! How big is it?" "Three carats."
Don't worry about everybody learning the tricks in this book. So far not a single subscriber has been able to scrape together the $30 for this big cook book. It seems to be priced to keep those BBQ Competition Secrets a secret of a very small elite. Competition BBQ Secrets A barbecue instruction manual for the serious competitor and the back yard barbeque gourmet. Learn how to slow smoke ribs, chicken, butts, brisket, and turkey too! There is more to life than hamburgers! Click Here for the BBQ Secrets Book!
Gina was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where her husband was stationed in the military. As she checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked her some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. Gina told him that her mother-in-law had given her a parcel to take to her son. He looked at Gina very carefully and very slowly and deliberately asked: "Does she like you?"
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.

Large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Anthony Lee, 49, from North Yorkshire, England Tried to sell the Ritz An out-of-work truck driver has been jailed for five years for trying to sell London's exclusive Ritz Hotel for £250 million. Anthony Lee had persuaded a financier and a property dealer that he was an associate of the Barclay brothers, the hotel's owners, reports the BBC. In what the judge called 'an elaborate and outrageous scam', Lee intimated that the brothers had secret reasons for selling their hotel and wanted to do it through a third party. The two interested buyers handed over a deposit of £1m, but when the sale failed to go through, it was never returned. By the way, Sandy from near the town of Geelong, featured in yesterday's Bonehead Award, told me that Geelong is in Victoria, not Tasmania. Sorry about that!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cleta Re: Hotmail Limits WEBBY, I HAVE A MSN ADDRESS BUT ALL OF MY E-MAILS GO THRU HOTMAIL. CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME HOW HOTMAIL CAN TELL ME THAT I HAVE SENT ENOUGH E-MAILS FOR TODAY. THAT I CAN'T SEND ANYMORE FOR 24 HOURS, UNLESS I PAY THEM 19.99. THEN I CAN SEND 300 OF THEM IF I WANTED TO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH WEBBY. CLETA Dear Cleta I have no idea what kind of games they play in that sandbox, and I have NEVER in my life paid for emails. Considering that you can get Earthlink high speed DSL for $14.95 a month, and nobody giving a hoot about how many emails you send, it would be rather silly to wait with graduating from the sandbox. Earthlink is just an example off the top of my head. They are at http://www.earthlink.net/access/ check if they are available in your neck of the woods. If you shop around, you might find even better deals. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of a child's temper tantrum at the supermarket last 20 times as long as the two hours of her nap time.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reusing Paper Towels If you don't have a salad spinner and use paper towels to dry lettuce, reuse the paper towels! Just drape them over a drying rack. They dry very quickly. Then fold them up and store with your kitchen linens until the next salad. You can also dry lettuce in clean dish towels and avoid using paper towels at all! By Stephanie from Anchorage, AK http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity. COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, some wonder what the heck happened.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas and bought a donkey for $100 from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news... the donkey died last night." "Sacri-Bleu" said Boudreaux, "den gimme my money back." "I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "Hi ham gon-to raffle him off." "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!" "Well dats where you wrong.! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!" A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "Hi raffled dat donkey off. Hi sold 1000 tickets at two dollar apiece and made too towsend buck. Dat was enough for a old JonDeere with a bucket, an hi use dat to bury your dead donkey." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Jus dat guy who won. So Hi give him his two dollar back. You got any more donkey?"

» Rural America





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Why not Auto-Renew Anti-Virus programs? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, July 29, 2010

"One man with courage makes a majority." --- Andrew Jackson (1767-1845) "What a new face courage puts on everything!" --- Ralph Waldo Emerson Courage is the triumph of integrity over fear. --- Socratex
The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
I found a prize deal for you! Competition BBQ Secrets A barbecue instruction manual for the serious competitor and the back yard barbeque gourmet. Learn how to slow smoke ribs, chicken, butts, brisket, and turkey too! There is more to life than hamburgers! Click Here for the BBQ Secrets Book!
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered. "It's truly amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.95."
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.

Large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Eilish De Avalon, 40, in Geelong, Australia Your laws don't apply to me! A SELF-PROCLAIMED witch in Geelong, Tasmania told a traffic cop she was not subject to earthly laws as she was "a being from another world". "Your laws and penalties don't apply to me. I'm not accepting them, I'm sorry, I must go, thank you," Eilish De Avalon said, driving off with the officer's arm caught in her driver's side door. The alien defence was played out in Geelong Magistrates' Court yesterday when De Avalon, who had also told police she "had a universal name that is not recognised here", pleaded guilty to recklessly causing serious injury, dangerous driving and driving while suspended, using a mobile phone while driving and failing to stop on police request on February 23. "De Avalon was a suspended driver and that is why she took off," Leading Senior Constable Geoff Lamb said. The court heard that the policeman had feared for his life when De Avalon drove off with his right arm pinned in her car window. Senior Constable Geoff Lamb said De Avalon ignored repeated calls to stop and instead accelerated, reaching up to 60km/h as she dragged Leading Senior Constable Andrew Logan 190m along busy Moorabool St. De Avalon had only stopped after being forced to slow in traffic and the officer grabbed the keys from her ignition. De Avalon, 40, a marriage celebrant, of Victory Way, Highton, had initially been stopped after she was seen using a mobile phone while driving about 10.40am.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marnie Re: Auto-renew McAfee or not? Dear Webby, At my last job they were quite fanatic and insistent about turning OFF the Auto-Renew for McAfee, but I forgot the reason why, or if I have ever been told the reason. What is the point of that? Marnie Dear Marnie yes, most definitely turn the Auto-Renew OFF. They nag and pester you to renew anyway, when the time comes. If you don't turn the Auto-Renew off, they keep automatically renewing THAT subscription for years, long after that computer has been turned into a geranium box. If new machines come with a trial version pre-installed, you don't usually bother to figure out how to transfer the license from the old one. Eventually you wind up with automatically renewed licenses for a whole bunch of geranium planters and garage decorations. It is a bit tricky, but unused licenses CAN be transferred, however, you don't get a refund if you retire a computer, that just has had it's license auto-renewed. So it is best to turn the Auto-Renew off and just renew manually when it is actually due for renewal. Have FUN! DearWebby
By chance, John Smith witnessed a mugging. About an hour later, the cops arrived, and the officer in charge asked the witness his name. "John Smith," said Smith. "Cut the funny business," the cop barked sharply. "What's your real name?" "All right," said Smith, "put me down as Albert Einstein." "That's more like it," said the man in blue. "You can't fool ME with that John Smith stuff."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Electricity Continuity in Your Freezer If you travel often, even if only for a weekend, there is a chance your electricity may go off. If so, when you get home, you won't know if the food in your freezer has been thawed and then frozen again. In order to know, put 2 or 3 ice cubes in a baggie in the freezer. When you come home, check that baggie. If there is a frozen puddle, you'll know the electricity was off long enough to defrost your food. You may not want to keep those pork chops! With digital clocks being so sophisticated now, they may not blink anymore after a power outage, so the only way you'd know is if you check your little ice bag. By Candace from Scottsdale, AZ http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Then he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get THAT far away from you ?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4- car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" (a novena is a rather lengthy set of prayers)

» Fancy Edibles





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Problem with OE receiving, but not able to send email 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you look at life one way, there is always cause for alarm. --- Elizabeth Bowen Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. --- Mark Twain
Arnie came into school looking somewhat tired and bedraggled, but anxious to explain his nearly one hour tardiness. "Our chickens have been disappearing." He said. "And Pa made up his mind to put a stop to it. But nothing happened for several nights. Then last night about 3 o'clock, Pa got me and Ol' Blue, our dog, and his shot gun, all cocked and loaded, to go out with him to the chicken house to see what was going on." He went on. "Well, Pa sleeps in his birthday suit, and as he bent over to go into the chicken house, Ol' Blue cold-nosed Pa where he didn't expect it. Both barrels went off. Ever since then we've been up a-cleanin' and a-pluckin' more than 50 chickens. I missed the bus and had to walk 3 miles to school."
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready -- all dressed up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house. Not wanting their often-rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab and said, "Sorry I took so long. Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with the mop to get her to come out!" The cab driver almost hit a parked car.
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.

Thanks to Martin for sending this picture: Large version
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to a 40 year old female shoplifter in Barrie, Ontario Thanks to Jackie for sending in this one: Applicant can add ‘shoplifting’ to resume Job hunter stole clothes from store where she interviewed Don't leave your resume behind at the scene of the crime. Barrie cops didn't have to look too hard for an alleged shoplifter who was hunting for a job at the same time over the weekend. The 40-year-old woman was at a Bayfield St. store for a job interview but after meeting the store manager and handing over her resume, the woman was spotted on store security cameras lifting several items, police said. She bolted with the items and the store manager, who was in the backroom at the time, called the cops. Barrie Police attended the store and, as they say in their press release, "easily identified the thief using her resume." No kidding. Investigators sifting through security footage also found the woman had been in the store the previous day. Police allege she is on video stealing the clothing that she wore for her job interview. The unidentified woman has been charged with two counts of theft under $5,000.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: Can't send mail with Outlook Express Dear Webby, I am having problems with my PC. I can receive mail with OE but can't send. I can use GMail to send and receive. The power was off for three hours and that is when my problems began. I had the DSL guys out here (2 of them). They said the problem is with my PC as they could recieve ok with their laptops hooked up to my modem. Should I continue just using gmail or have the PC taken to the Dr.? Thanks for your help. hank Dear Hank Those clowns are clueless! If you can receive but not send, then your modem is OK and you either 1) have the wrong SMTP Server named in the email program set-up or 2) the SMTP server of your ISP has a problem authenticating you. With DSL you are normally authenticated by the DSL modem, but you can play with that setting in your email program and toggle "Allow Authentication" on or off. You didn't mention who the clowns are working for, but it would probably be a very good idea to set your Gmail to POP and process it with your OE. Instructions are here: Set OE for Gmail POP Your Gmail address is a lifetime address, and you won't have to change your address every time you change ISPs. Then you can tell the clowns to just forward your mail to your Gmail address Have FUN! DearWebby
Here is a much requested classic: A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the check-out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Panty Hose to Keep Ceiling Fan Clean An easy way to keep ceiling fans clean. Cut the legs off old pantyhose and put one on each blade, stretching them until the whole blade is covered. You'll have extra at the motor end so twist this until it's a tight roll then tuck it back into the "leg". When the pantyhose gets dusty, just remove and wash. We live on the edge of a gibber desert where it's very dusty so our fans are always dressed in their best. No longer plain white, they look very colourful. They're currently wearing purple and black. Works well in the city also, where fans pick up city grime. By magicalmarilyn from Millstream, Western Australia http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The anesthesiologist at the outpatient surgery center often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax. One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained. When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?" "Well," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice. "What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all into one."

» Brain Buckets





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Save all bookmarks at once 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A computer will not make a good manager out of a bad manager. It makes a good manager better faster and a bad manager worse faster. ---Edward M Esber "Manners are like the zero in arithmetic; they may not be much in themselves, but they are capable of adding a great deal to the value of everything else." --- Freya Stark
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They're both frozen in their tracks. The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today." "It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear," replies the second. "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun YOU," he answers, as he takes off.
Overheard in the elevator: Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man (or woman) The first is, he (or she) has bad memory. ...... I forgot the second.
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.


If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Travis Lloyd Kevie, 29, in Penryn, California Man broke into bar, served patrons PENRYN, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Penryn, Calif., said a transient who is well known to deputies broke into a bar and served customers for a couple of days before being found out. The Valencia Club went out of business in June but Travis Lloyd Kevie, 29, opened it back up July 16, complete with an "Open" sign in the window, the Sacramento Bee reported. Kevie served an estimated 30 customers a day during the weekend, the newspaper said. The reopening apparently was newsworthy in the area, as the Auburn (Calif.) Journal even carried an item in which Kevie was quoted as saying it was "a dream come true" for him to operate the club. Placer County Sheriff's Detective Jim Hudson happened to see the news item and recognized Kevie. Hudson went to the club Wednesday and determined Kevie had no liquor license. Kevie was arrested on suspicion of burglary and selling alcohol without a license, the Bee said. Kevie had worked on a crew brought in to clean the building after the Valencia Club was shut down. Investigators said Kevie bought a six-pack of beer at a convenience store and then used money from selling the beer to buy more alcohol -- continuing to build the business until he had "10 to 12 bottles of hard liquor and a couple of cases of beer." Police said they confiscated a large of amount of cash and alcohol from the bar. If he had obtained a license, he would have gotten away with it at least until rent was due.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Saving FireFox bookmarks Dear Webby I have been trying to save all my bookmarks, and I cannot figure it out. Saving one by one would be time consuming, do you know a shortcut? Thanks again, Jai Dear Jai 1. Open Firefox. 2. Select Bookmarks > Organize Bookmarks. 3. The Bookmarks Manager opens. Click File > Export… 4. Save the bookmark.html file wherever you wish. Desktop, CD, Floppy, Memory Stick, Online, anywhere. Have FUN! DearWebby
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, yes, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better, because it locks ..."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoid Watering Down Your Summer Drinks Instead of watering down your soft drinks with ice cubes, I use soda that has gone flat and freeze it in an ice cube tray. I also make extra iced tea, and do the same thing. Never again do I have watery drinks. Try it. It will make a big difference. By Wayne from St Albans, NY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and demanded: "Who told you about us?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks, was shock proof to 60 G, could be driven over and even dropped from a plane. Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee." The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?" "Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."

» Fancy Cakes





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Clean your computer for better speed 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, July 26, 2010

Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand. --- Leo Durocher I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. --- Bruce Lee
Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers to make them fit on the printed labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently was not amused when the label on their box displayed, "Ass Of God Church".
It was little Harry's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Late one evening he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread beautifully in all its glory. Rushing indoors excitedly, Harry called out for his grandma. . . . "Gramma, Gramma, come see! Come see!" he exclaimed. "One of your chickens is in bloom!"
Become A Fat Burning Furnace
Click Here!
Don't worry, the link opens in a separate page.
This method is quite legit, and it works, even on me!
It is a method, not a diet or pills.

Large version of the picture Dad hiked over a mountain and came down from the pass into a mountain village, where they happened to have a horse & carriage parade. So he took a whole bunch of pictures. I put them up onto his site at http://dawna.com
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to three women in Springfield, Missouri Diners flee without paying, but forget purses SPRINGFIELD, Mo. (AP) - A dine-and-dash escapade went bad when two of the fleeing diners left their purses behind. The Springfield News-Leader reported that no charges had been filed as of midweek against the three women who ran from a Waffle House restaurant Sunday morning without paying their $39 bill. The general manager said the women seemed intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. The Springfield paper said a short time after fleeing, one of the women returned to the store and demanded the purses. The manager said he told the woman she needed to wait for police to arrive, but she ran. A police report said the purses contained identifying documents, along with what appeared to be a check stub from another Waffle House in Arkansas.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: D. Re: Computer cleaning controversy Dear Webby I remember you usually rant and rave and get quite obnoxious, when anybody mentions using compressed air for cleaning. Got a mail where somebody suggests unplugging the computer and using compressed air and a paintbrush to clean the inside. What's the official word? D. Dear D. Anybody who suggests unplugging a computer for cleaning, has not yet graduated from cleaning toasters. If you unplug your computer, then there is nothing to drain the static electricity to safe ground. Turn it off, sure, but leave it plugged in! That way, all the static on you from dragging the cats across the carpet, is safely conducted away and zeroed the moment you touch the case. Don't worry, there is no dangerous electricity in the computer, ecept in that shiny, pop-riveted power supply box in the corner. The same goes for the vauum cleaner hose. Any static that may be on it, is safely zeroed though YOU, even if you don't first touch the outside of the case with it, because most likely you got the other hand resting on the computer case, and not combing your bee-hive wig while cleaning the computer. Using compressed air is only recommended by compressed air salespeople, those, who want to sell you a new computer, optometrists who want to get paid for digging grit out of your eyes, and juveniles, who get off on "huffing" canned air. Unlike a vacuum cleaner, compressed air does not get rid of anything. It just temporarily moves it out of sight, or into your eyes. That is rather silly, even when cleaning toasters. After vauuming out the dust bunnies and dust, do NOT try to generate static by stroking the plastic CPU fan shroud with a paint brush! Try those experiments with your cats instead. Unclip the fan shrouds. That can be a bit tricky, similar to opening child proof medicine bottles and may have to be delegated to a kid. However, they ALL unclip without fancy tools, if you gently push in the right places. Then take the shroud and fan/heatsink assembly out and vacuum it thoroughly. Often the heat sink has a white grease on one side, where it touches the CPU. Try not to get that side dirty or cleaned off. It does need that heatsink grease. If you accidentally cleaned it off, you can get tiny tubes of it at the Radio Shack, electronics stores and many computer stores. You don't need a lot of it, just enough to level the microscopic imperfections in the surface of the chip. Half a match-head is usually too much. If the heat sink, that shiny ribbed piece of metal, is clogged or dirty, clean it with a Q-Tip and Windex until it looks shiny and new again. Your CPU is only as good as the heat sink allows it to be. If it is dirty or clogged, the CPU heats up and shifts down in speed. All the silly speeder-upper software in the world won't accomplish what a minute or two with a wet Q-Tip can do. If the CPU fan blades are dirty, clean them the same way. It runs a lot quieter when the blades are clean and shiny. Then snap the heat sink / fan assembly back on, snap the shroud over it, check all the pretty colored cables to make sure they are still firmly plugged in, and close the lid. That is all there is to it. If you do have some cans of compressed air sitting around, empty them out the window and heave them into the garbage, so that they will never tempt a juvenile to experiment how close to dying they can get with huffing. Have FUN! DearWebby
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry- cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are fifteen dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it five more times and we can pay the phone bill!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Share Your "Buy One Get One Free" Purchases If you take advantage of the buy one get one free option (when it truly is a bargain) offered in some stores, why not think about sharing the second one with an elderly neighbor trying to live on a fixed income, or the family down the street who's trying to make it on unemployment through job loss? Sharing works both ways, and you never know when you may need a helping hand yourself. By Marie from West Dundee, IL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked. "Certainly," he replied "Well, I'm the same age as they are," she snapped. "As old as the Hills," he intoned as he wrote on his form.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A fifth grader looked down, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes it is," replied Carol. "I made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "Carol, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, Johnny hijacked the plane, and handed it in as HIS homework!"

» Cloud Castles





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OE mail disappeared 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, July 25, 2010

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. --- Socratex
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. It's just me, I have quit drinking."
On her first day the new kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce. Click Here!
Last day for this offer. This is a book that should be in every home, just in case. I sincerely hope, you don't pass on this.
Large version of the picture That looks like the spot in the Little Colorado Canyon, where I lost my yellow cap.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Danny Noel Riggs, 42, Tip Toe Tanning owner arrested for burglary of customers' vehicles FORT WALTON BEACH — The owner of Tip Toe Tanning was arrested Thursday after video footage revealed him burglarizing customers’ vehicles, according to lawmen. Danny Noel Riggs, 42, is charged with five counts of burglary, according to a news release from n Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies received complaints from Riggs’ customers who suspected him of stealing money and other items from vehicles parked at his business on Beal Parkway. On Thursday, an undercover unit used video surveillance to record Riggs burglarizing two vehicles. One of them belonged to an undercover officer, the release said. The officer went to Tip Toe Tanning and paid to use a stand-up tanning booth. The officer then placed her bag and money in the car, the release said. Riggs entered the car and stole $60 cash and $10 in change, the release said. After burglarizing the vehicle, Riggs went back into the tanning salon, where another deputy arrested him. He had the $70 and keys to the woman’s car in his hands at the time, according to the Sheriff’s Office. ------------------- What puzzles me is why anybody in that part of Florida would need a tanning booth, unless they are fresh out of jail. Streaking across the parking lot or three minutes on a lawn at lunch time, should get anybody there a tan, if not a sunburn!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Verna Re: OE mail has disappeared Dear Webby All of a sudden all my filed and unanswered OE emails have disappeared. Poof. Gone. They are not in the Recycle bin or anywhere that I can find them. Some of them are memos I sent to myself with vital info, that I still have to work on or print. I NEED to get that mail back! Verna Dear Verna With OE, that is normal and to be expected, and why I don't recommend it. OE and Outlook have done that for the last 15 years and I get letters like yours all the time. Some people say, that you can postpone the inevitable by keeping the IN, OUT and TRASH boxes as close to empty as possible. It IS possible that Microsoft has figured out how to retrieve all that mail. Try contacting their support. Have FUN! DearWebby
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you fifty dollars for that cat." And the owner says, "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the fifty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week, I've sold sixty-eight stray cats." The cat came back half an hour later.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Very Young Kids Can Write Books I was totally surprised when my granddaughter, who is 6, showed me a stack of six books she'd written. She came up with the idea herself to write and illustrate her own series of books. She uses only computer paper, colored pens and a paperclip to hold each book together. She came up with this on her own, but when she brought them to kindergarten the teacher liked them so much, she had the whole class make their own. Each book is about a cat or dog she or a friend owns. But your child's books could be about anything! She also numbers each book (Book #1 "Smokey the Dirty Cat") and numbers the pages, then on the back she lists each book in the her series. If she can't write up everything by herself, she tells her mother what to write. Me, being an artist, I get the biggest kick out of her illustrations! I'm sure she got the idea because her mother takes her to the library and reads to her so often. (They are poor but rich!) This could be a fun thing for you to do with your kids this summer, make your very own books! By Cyinda from near Seattle http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "Probably about a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!

» Pine Ridge, SD





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Make pictures show in Gmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, July 24, 2010

A lot of people asked what that red icon, that I put on top on Fridays, is about. Well, first let me make it VERY clear, that it is NOT political. It has nothing to do with Bush deciding to fight the terrorists on THEIR home turf instead of on yours, and it has nothing to do with Obama being against that and ordering the troops to use "courageous restraint" and to turn the other cheek. That icon is to remind us to show gratitude to the troops, who risk their lives to do whatever they are told, to protect us and our freedom. Not a gesture to politicians, just a simple and quick gesture to show gratitude to the troops. You can read more about it at http://snipurl.com/gratittude
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint Exupery
Thanks to Dianne for sending this story: My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter"? I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: NO, SIR!!!
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce. Click Here!

Thanks to Martin for sending this picture: Large version of the picture
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to George Horn, 48, in Ft Lauderdale, Florida Burglar used cross to pry open church poor boxes JULY 20--A Florida man who used a crucifix to break into a donation box at a Catholic church in Fort Lauderdale was charged today with burglary in connection with the heist last month. George Horn, 48, allegedly broke a window to gain access to St. John's Catholic Church on June 26. While inside, he took a crucifix from the altar and used it as a pry bar to open the donation box under a stand filled with devotional candles. Horn--crucifix in hand--was caught on video by a church surveillance camera. Along with rifling the candle box, Horn also broke into two church poor boxes, according to a Fort Lauderdale Police Department report. He was charged after police completed a probe that included the recovery of DNA evidence from the crime scene, which included a large amount of blood left behind by the burglar. Horn is being held in the Broward County jail on the felony count.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Laura Re: Showing pictures in Gmail HI, I just started getting your newsletter again. Not sure why I wasn't. Anyway, in the meantime I have switched over to gmail. I have my sympatico email redirected to my gmail. None of the graphics are working in Gmail. Is there a setting I need to change to get them? Thanks Laura Dear Laura The browser "peeker" for Gmail can be configured to show pictures, but it is just designed for quick and fast peeking from a slow connection, away from your own computer. That is why the default is set to not show anything, that would slow you down. The best way to handle it is to a) make a filter that tells Gmail to never trash or spam mail from humor@webby.com, even if I talk about viruses or spam. b) Set Gmail to POP c) Set up your favorite email program (Eudora, ThunderBird, Outlook, Outlook Express, whatever) to check laura*****@gmail.com On those occasions, when you DO want images to show, while you are just quickly peeking with the browser, just click on the SHOW IMAGES link at the top of the email where you want to see the pictures. It won't change the quick peeker into a full-featured email program, it will just change the setting for that one email. Just keep in mind that the browser based peeker was designed to quickly check your email while standing at the contractor's counter at the Home Depot and using the courtesy computer there. It is fast, nothing gets downloaded into that machine, and all your email stays on the server, so that you can pull it down with Eudora or Outlook or whatever, when you get home. Have FUN! DearWebby
A business executive who had retired last year was discussing the joys of his new leisure time. He remarked that he had been compelled to give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years. "Afraid of injuries?" I asked. "Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Store Cords in Toilet Paper Rolls Organizing electrical extension cords when not in use. Save empty TP rolls. Fold your cords in lengths of 8 inches and insert each one in an empty TP roll. Write on the outside of the roll with a permanent marker the length of the extension cord inside of the roll. These will stack neatly in a small plastic basket and you know what size of cord you are getting each time. By Marbilite from Indianapolis, Indiana http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A boss in California, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let at least one of you go and I need you to supply me with a usable solution immediately." Female Employee: "I'm a woman." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." ...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." So, without discriminating against any politically protected group, he fired all four of them for "failure to perform assigned duties, like supplying him with a usable solution".
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? You must do it at night." "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

» Pine Ridge, SD





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Making desktop shortcuts 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday, July 23, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

God gave us memory that we might have roses in December. --- James Matthew Barrie You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. --- Tom Wilson Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure. --- Murphy
In a Phoenix airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced: "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
At the supermarket parking lot I saw a lady who seemed rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for organic vegetables for my mother-in-law, but I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my mother-in-law. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself !'"
The Magic of Making Up
Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it,
even if you don't need to make up with anybody
right now. Might come in handy in the future!
Up to 5,400 times cheaper than a divorce. Click Here!

Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: Large version of the picture Rosvik Norbotten, Sweden
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to a 17 year old boy in Leon, NY Amish DUI chase LEON-A 17 year old Amish teen from the Town of Leon is in trouble after he led police on a chase through his town. The teen was observed running a stop sign in his horse and buggy. Sheriff's deputies tried to stop him, but he refused to stop and a chase ensued for almost a mile. After making an unsafe turn, the teen crashed the horse and buggy and took off on foot. He was later found, arrested and charged with underage possession of alcohol, overdriving an animal, reckless endangerment, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to yield to a emergency vehicle.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Making a desktop shortcut Good Morning Webby, Have a problem placing a short cut icon on my desk top. I right click on a open spot on the site I want to make a desk top short cut, but when a drop down menu appears there is no wording that will allow me to make a short cut. Is there another way in which I can make a short cut icon on my desk top? Thank you, Bob Dear Bob Right-click on the desk top NEW Shortcut Browse to the program or file that you want the shortcut to NEXT Type in a nickname for it FINISH You probably missed the NEW step. There IS another way for URLs. Grab the littel icon on the left side of the URL in the address bar, and drag that to an empty spot on the desktop. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Jimmie said to his uncle the first time he saw him since then. "It's the best birthday present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Plastic Bottles to Water Plants When it comes to summer time and plants drying out, what I find works is taking water bottles (like Perrier water bottles found in the recycle box at work), filling them up with water, and then sticking them in soil about 2-3 inches in the soil. This lasts for about 4 days in containers. For outdoor garden, I place it close to the plant and it last about 3 days. As the soil drys it allows for air to be released and allowing the water to fill up the spot where the air has been created. No need to worry about overwatering with this method, as gravity works its magic. No need to spend money on glass balls for watering. If you want to decorate them, modpoge them with tissue paper. Source: My Mom http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Navy Captain looked the crew over and said, "Men, before anything more is said, I would like to clear up one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship." From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Hey, amigo, wanna buy my nice, beeg ship?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 15-oh-oh. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, it's 2 hours till Happy Hour. If it is a Coast Guard plane, it's Mid Afternoon If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Friday Afternoon."

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More Charter.Net email problems! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, July 22, 2010

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles. --- Pat Paulsen You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. --- Mark Twain
Judi visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. The engine, though rather loud, was roaring smoothly, music was blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a kitten again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
An elderly couple was sitting together watching television. During a commercial, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence and during the next commercial, the wife replied, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got Christmas cards from them this year."
The Magic of Making Up Downloadable Ebook course, well worth it, even if you don't need to make up with anybody right now. Click Here!

Thanks to Lillemor for sending me a link to the story on a Swedish newspaper. Large version of the picture A playful baby whale near Hermanus, a bit south-east of CapeTown in South Africa. Large version of the picture The boat made it back to land with it's emergency engine. The passengers, Ralph Mothes, 59, and Paloma Werner, 50, were not injured.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Heath Cannon, 43, in Land O'Lakes, Florida Man stole tractor to buy beer LAND O'LAKES, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities in Florida said a man pulled over on a stolen tractor told deputies he took the vehicle to make a beer run. The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said Heath Cannon, 43, was pulled over on Wisteria Loop in Land O'Lakes at about 11 p.m. Friday while driving a $15,000 tractor reported stolen from a roadside construction site, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday. Deputies said Cannon, who has previous convictions for theft, loitering and prowling, smelled strongly of alcohol. "I'm sorry, I drove the tractor to the RaceTrac to buy a beer," a sheriff's office report quotes Cannon as telling deputies. Cannon was arrested in connection with the theft of the tractor and charged with possession of burglary tools. He was taken to the Land O'Lakes jail in lieu of $10,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Charter.net mail problems Dear Webby, Let me first say that I have enjoyed getting your newsletter for the past few years and this old grandma has gotten a lot of laughs and learned many things from you and your great newsletter. I have been trying on my end for the past few weeks to try to solve the issue of not getting your newsletter daily. I have put your newsletter on my white list in Charter, but that didn't work. Tonight I spent over 45 minutes and two Charter "techs", trying to solve the problem. The last one said that it has been solved, so would you please send me one or two more issues and I will watch for them. It is hard to explain to someone when you can barely understand their broken English. At least I could understand the second "tech" better. I hope that the issue has been solved. Thank you for your patience, Carol Dear Carol I added you onto the list again, but I can't guarantee, that the Taliban will allow you to have your subscription for more than a day. The Taliban were just playing stupid and wasting your time, since they were very well aware of the situation. Remember Deeli, who used to write the Kudos column? She screeched a temper tantrum at those two idiots last week. There is NO way they forgot her. A bunch of other subscribers also wrote about yelling at those two idiots. They have been shown No-Sub by lots of people, and have been told numerous times that they have NO legitimate excuse for bouncing your subscription. However, apparently they get paid by the minute, that they can waste people's time, so they play stupid. Since you obviously can not rely on your email at Charter.net, your best bet is to get a gmail address on the side, before they censor your utility bills. I sent Gmail invitations to another 50 Charter.net victims today, after they got bounced off. Just set your Gmail to POP, and process it with whatever email program you use anyway. All email programs allow you to check more than one address simultaneously. That has been standard for twenty years or more. Have FUN! DearWebby
came home from school one day and said, "Mom, the teacher asked me today if I had any brothers or sisters." "And what did she say when you told her you were an only child?" his mom asked. said, "Well, she just let out a deep breath and said, 'Thank goodness'."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Extra Paper Petals for Confetti When you're making flowers using paper sculpting or paper quilling and find that you have extra petals, hold onto them and use them as confetti at your next party. They're much easier to sweep up. By Angela L. from Sault Ste Marie, ON http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Young Aaron Finkelstein came home in great excitement, saying, "Father! Father! On returning from school , I ran home behind the bus all the way and saved the fifty-cent bus fare." The father replied by slapping the son on the cheek as he shouted, "Spendthrift! Why didn't you run behind a cab and save $15.00?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
The budding young Yuppette had been dating a successful stockbroker for several months. Just before his birthday she asked her Mother, "Whatever can you give a man who has everything for his birthday?" Her Mother smiled knowingly and replied, "Encouragement dear, encouragement."

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Mail with your address forged as sender address 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, July 21, 2010

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. --- Douglas Adams
Let's start with a Classic: A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really simple." The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?" Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "this morning I farted when I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Lori Turner in Spartanburg, SC Woman Shoved Sandwich In Her Pants Spartanburg deputies handled an unusual complaint on Sunday when McDonald’s employees said a woman caused a commotion after she bought a sandwich and shoved it down her pants saying her order had been shorted. The woman, later identified as Lori Turner, bought two sandwiches and two small coffees, employees said. They said the woman then took one of the sandwiches and put it down the front her jeans, and said that the employees owed her a free one. Lori Turner Employees said when Turner became belligerent, they called 911. The responding deputy said he could hear Turner screaming obscenities at the cashier when he went into the McDonald’s. The deputy asked Turner to step outside, and said he could see a large grease stain on the front of her pants. He said that Turner denied having the sandwich until a female officer arrived to search her. The deputy said at that point, Turner pulled the sandwich out of her pants and put it on the hood of the police car. The deputy said Turner continued to shout profanities and smelled of alcohol. She was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. The McDonald’s refunded Turner’s money and had her put on a trespassing order.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Aletta RE: Mail not from me Dear Webby Previous email NOT from me. Do not open links. I'm sorry. It appears that my account was hacked. Aletta Dear Aletta I doubt anybody got a fake email from you. Most likely you just received spam with your address forged in as the sender. It is quite common for spammers to fake your address into the FROM slot, by putting !--@recipient-- into it, and if you don't have MailWasher, it will look to you, as if you had sent it while you were sleepwalking, or as if your machine had been hacked and used for spamming. All your contacts probably got the same spam with THEIR address forged in as sender. If you are concerned about that, get MailWasher. If not, don't worry about it. With MailWasher it is easy enough to make a filter, that dumps mail like that unseen, right on the server. Because I have used the same, unchanged addresses for so many years, I naturally get a lot of spam. Currently about 12% of it is of that type, but I never see it. I only know because of the pretty pie chart in the MailWasher stats. Have FUN! DearWebby
"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." "Welcome to hell, here's your harp." --------------------- Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A: Lawnmowers can be tuned.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use White Wine to Clean Red Wine From Clothing About 35 yrs ago when I was in my 20's and going out dancing a lot, I was a red wine drinker. I sometimes ended up spilling more wine than I drank. A friend of mine told me how to get red wine out of my white sweater coat. And it worked! I put the sweater in the sink (with the plug in), and poured some of a gallon of cheap white wine on it. You can see the red wine disappearing instantly. It's like magic! Just keep a jug of that cheap white wine on hand. I still use this method after all these years later. By Candace from Scottsdale, AZ http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse, put the green mud-pack on her face, the teeth-whitening cartridge in her mouth and proceeded to wash her hair and stick curlers into it. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel over her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard , her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that monfter ?" ------------------- If you put "Ms Hortensia Penelope Widdlecrock-McIntire" into the FIRST NAME or NICKNAME slot, when you signed up, then that joke sounds rather silly. If you are ready to update your first or nickname, hit reply and tell me!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She thought the bait was Sushi and ate it all."

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Music on Firefox 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"A man may be a fool and not know it... but not if he is married." --- H.L. Mencken "THE BUDGET SHOULD BE BALANCED, THE TREASURY SHOULD BE REFILLED, PUBLIC DEBT SHOULD BE REDUCED, THE ARROGANCE OF OFFICIALDOM SHOULD BE TEMPERED AND CONTROLLED, AND THE ASSISTANCE TO FOREIGN LANDS SHOULD BE CURTAILED LEST ROME BECOME BANKRUPT. PEOPLE MUST AGAIN LEARN TO WORK, INSTEAD OF LIVING OFF PUBLIC ASSISTANCE.” --- Cicero, 55 BC (before the fall off the Roman Empire)
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' station saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Dmytro Petrychenko, 19, and Taras Sikalchuk, 20, in Waukegan, Illinois Porky Pig attacked at Six Flags GURNEE, Ill. (UPI) -- Police in suburban Chicago say two Six Flags Great America employees visiting the park on their day off allegedly assaulted a worker dressed as Porky Pig. Gurnee police said Dmytro Petrychenko, 19, and Taras Sikalchuk, 20, allegedly hit the 24-year-old woman dressed as the "Looney Tunes" character and quite defenseless in her costume, in the back and front of her head 10 to 15 times after posing for a picture with her, WMAQ-TV, Chicago, reported. Police said both men, who are from Waukegan, were removed from the park and issued battery citations, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported. The woman was taken to a first aid station, where she was treated for head and neck pains and released.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon RE: Can FieFox play wav files? Dear Webby Hello Webby......Thanks for the e-mails but now i need help Husband down loaded Mozilla Firefox because you said it was good.Well i cannot get my music to play from Marlene....Mama Rock....Missy Alighthouse. which i have been able to in the pass.We have real player installed....Quick Time Player also.My cd's play just fine just not from the internet. Can and well you help me fix this. Thanks *´¨) ¸.·´¸.·*´¨)¸.·*¨) (¸.·´ (¸.·' ¤ Sharon Dear Sharon FireFox plays wav and any other music files just fine, if the HTML is reasonably OK. However, if the page uses the obsolete "bgsound" command, that went out of fashion in the mid 90's, long before FireFox came out, then you are out of luck. The same goes for Opera and Chrome and most browsers. The "bgsound" command works only in Internet Explorer and has never been accepted by any of the other browsers, because it is way too limited in scope. If a page was written in those early days of the Internet, by somebody who was a fanatic about allowing only IE and no other browser, then you need to use IE, any version of it, to listen to it. You can run IE side by side with any other browser. If the author of those old pages is still alive, you can suggest to her or him to add code like this: <.embed src="123.wav" autostart="false" loop="false"><./embed> (Without the dots after the brackets. Those are just to make the code visible instead of trying to play that music.) Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Johnny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Your Oven Rack for Perfect Bread Slices When slicing bread, I open my oven door, pull out the rack and place the unsliced bread on the rack. I put a tea towel on the open door, under the bread, to catch the crumbs that fall through the rack. Then I slice the bread, using the rack as a spacing guide, cutting between each rack slot. Perfect slices every time! Source: Me, who can't cut bread straight! By Catastrofy from Winnipeg, Canada http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, to tell you the truth, I've forgotten her name."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boy friend had proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how very wrong he is."

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Humor: Adjust page size on wide screen monitor 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, July 19, 2010

"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." --- Richard Lamm
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. Hilda was like that. So when she and her new husband husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Easy! Just carry your own suitcase."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Ridgh Genesis Achille, 19, Alice Springs, Florida Handcuffed man opened car door, escaped ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, Fla. (AP) - Police in central Florida say a man who was handcuffed somehow managed to open a police cruiser's door and escape after complaining he was claustrophobic and couldn't breathe. Altamonte Springs police say the officer had opened the windows slightly for 19-year-old Ridgh Genesis Achille, who had been arrested Friday night on a shoplifting charge. On the way to the jail, the man somehow opened the door from the outside and took off running. The Orlando Sentinel reports that officers, police dogs and even a helicopter were still trying to find Achille on Saturday morning. Instead of probation or a fine, he can now expect serious jail time.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda RE: Can you stretch a short monitor view? Dear Webby I have to fill in data on forms, but only at the top and bottom. With these new wide screen monitors, or "sawed off" screens, as you call them, the company forms don't fit on a page any more. I have to take the hand off the keyboard, and waste time mousing down to the bottom. When I zoom the fonts so that the whole form fits on the screen, the fonts are too small to read. Is there a way to stretch or squish a page to make it as usable as it is on a regular monitor? Thanks Brenda Dear Brenda No, the only way that can be done is by redesigning the form. If your old monitor has not been trashed or sold , you can plug that one in, even to a laptop. For real work the sawed off screens are a nuisance, and it will be years until all the forms have been re-designed to make them shorter. 4:3 ratio LCD screens are becoming more available, especially if you enter through the business entrance. They are still a bit pricey, though. In the meantime, you can skip to the end of the page with CTRL END. Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz, the historic prison island. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Stickers to Change Greeting Cards You can use any greeting card for any occasion with stickers from the dollar store. For instance, I needed a graduation card this weekend and all I had was a cute doggie "Get Well Soon" card, so I took one of the "You're terrific" stickers and covered the "Get Well Soon" part on the front of the card. On the inside I used butterfly stickers and "Good Job" to cover the writing on the inside. And my granddaughter loved it! By Debseeley from Vero Beach, FL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three men at the local Funny-Farm are in the office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three ?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three ?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three ?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the bartender says: "Hey, you can talk!" "Sure-mumble-quack-mumble" says the duck, "Now can I get that mumble-quack-mumble beer mumble- quack-mumble ?" Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "I work at the mumble-quack-mumble airport", says the duck. "You should join the circus", says the barkeep. "You could make a mint." "The mumble-quack-mumble circus!" the duck replies. "What the mumble-quack-mumble would the mumble-quack-mumble circus want with an airport flight departure announcer mumble-quack-mumble with a mumble-quack-mumble speech defect?"

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Helping Out 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, July 18, 2010

A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck. --- Adam Clayton Powell Jr., If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong. --- Mo Udall A mission statement is defined as "a long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly." All good companies have one. --- From The Dilbert Principle
Little Johnny and his family were having Christmas dinner at his Uncle Rodney's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," the boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at OUR house." "That's at OUR house," Johnny explained. "But this is Uncle Rodney's house and HE doesn't have Internet. HIS cooking never burns!"
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey, although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. "Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard soldiers . . . What would you do?"
Thanks to Noella for sending this picture from the yard of her borther in Anchorage, Alaska
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Daryl Simon, 38, in Queens, NY He couldn't resist one last scam. A career fraudster was sent to the slammer for nearly 24 years after giving a White Plains federal judge phony photos of himself doing charity work at hospitals and schools in a bumbling bid for leniency. Daryl Simon's bald-faced move included sticking a picture of himself into a shot with a physical-therapy patient, then flipping the image and placing it next to a teen student. "Evidence that his image was inserted and flipped can be seen by examining the single detail on his shirt above his fingers -- that detail appears on the left side of the shirt in the top photograph, and on the right side of the shirt in the bottom photograph," prosecutors wrote. Another particularly heartless snapshot shows the 38-year-old scammer purportedly comforting a sickly patient struggling during a rehabilitation exercise. Simon even had the gall to submit fake letters of support from various charitable organizations and individuals, according to the US Attorney's Office. Judge Stephen Robinson saw through the ruse, blasting Simon Thursday for trying to "commit a fraud on the court." Robinson then slapped him with a 285-month prison term -- 50 months more than the maximum under sentencing guidelines -- for credit-card fraud and bail jumping. His brazen crimes included buying a sports car with a fake cashier's check for $29,500, along with numerous credit-card scams and possession of a stolen Mercedes-Benz. His most recent case stems from a 2006 arrest, in which he and a cohort bought electronic gear at a Target store in West Nyack, using phony credit cards in the name of "D. Simon." He pleaded guilty to credit-card fraud the next year, but jumped bail before sentencing. While he was on the lam, he worked as a magician and went by the name Justin Lusion. Two years ago, he was found in Queens.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn RE: Helping out Webby, thanks for the (large) picture today and thanks also to Lillemor. Do you have a coffee jar etc. for donations. I would like to send $10. I know it isn't much but would get a little something. I do appreciate you very much! Thanks, Webby - I keep voting and hope others are. Carolyn from IN Dear Carolyn Thank you very much! And you are most welcome! If you can help out, I sure would appreciate it! The "coffee jar" funnels straight to the server bills and is in dire straits these days. There is a PayPal Donate button at http://webby.com/humor/thanks.html Thanks! DearWebby
A pastor was giving the children's lesson during a sunday morning service on the Ten Commandments. After explaining the commandment to "honor they father and thy mother," he asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one five-year old boy answered loudly, "Thou shalt not kill!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Treasure Your Freedom - Join A Historical Group I quit my job a little over a year and a half ago. Since then I have begun doing things I was unable to do while working. I have joined both the Daughters of the American Revolution and the United Daughters of the Confederacy. There is also an organization called the Daughters of Union Veterans of the Civil War. more by By Southeastgeorgiapeach from Jesup, GA at http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm, and Little Johnny asked his mom, "Where did we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny said, "Well I can see why they threw HIM out!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into the job, and slammed the door again. Same results. The door bounced back like it was made of Silly Putty. Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

» Ajanta Cavest





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Hibernate on XP 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, July 17, 2010

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped." ---Marcel Achard Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. --- Tallulah Bankhead
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a dime from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy!"
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: Large
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Sherry Jean Fuscaldo, 26, in Walton Beach, Florida Woman flashes breasts, bites herself after DUI arrest FORT WALTON BEACH – A woman kicked a patrol car, flashed her breasts, tried to bite a deputy and bit herself, all while being booked for DUI. Sherry Jean Fuscaldo, 26, of the 900 block of Denton Boulevard, was placed in a patrol car after she was arrested for DUI around 12:30 a.m. July 3 on Lovejoy Road, according to her arrest report. The deputy making the arrest heard several loud noises, which he thought were "military aircraft firing weapons." He then saw Fuscaldo kicking a patrol car window, the report reads. She resisted being put in leg irons, bouncing up and down. A deputy had to pick her up and sit her down on her buttocks. After Fuscaldo was taken to the Shalimar Annex, she undid her bra and pulled down her shirt, exposing her breasts, the report reads. The arresting deputy didn’t see it happen, but the nudity was caught on tape. He took her to the “Intox-room,” where Fuscaldo grabbed her license from the deputy’s desk, according to the report. The deputy tried to take it from her, and she tried to bite him. She kicked another deputy, causing his fingers to bleed. “The defendant also attempted to bite me again but bit herself in the process,” the report reads. Fuscaldo complained of asthma and was taken to Fort Walton Beach Medical Center, where she was released after 30 minutes after workers found no medical problem. The report adds that the woman had “road rash” on her feet, forehead and left shoulder. She was charged with resisting an officer with violence, as well as DUI. She is due in court Aug. 3.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: JoAnn RE: Hibernate on XP Dear Webby: My old computer had the Hibernate option when I clicked start, turn off computer,standby. There it gave me the option to Standby or to hibernate. My new computer with Windows XP pro, SP3. The standby does not give me the hibernate option. Not using it all that often I just am not sure that this option ever was offered at all. Do you know if it just isn't an option at all for me on this system? JoAnn Dear JoAnn You may have to enable Hibernate. If you are using Windows XP Home Edition, or Windows XP Professional with Fast User Switching turned on, the Turn Off Computer menu will present the options to Stand By, Turn Off, or Restart your computer. To put your computer into Hibernate mode, a feature in Windows XP, that is hidden in the "Turn Off" box. To manually place your computer into hibernation (after enabling hibernation on your computer) follow this tip: 1.Click Start, and then click Turn off computer. 2.Press and hold the Shift key. The label under the first button on the left changes from Stand By to Hibernate. 3.Click the Hibernate button. To enable hibernation support on your computer: You must be logged on as an administrator or a member of the Administrators or Power Users group. If your computer is connected to a network, network policy settings may prevent this procedure. 1.Click Start, click Control Panel, click Performance and Maintenance, and then click Power Options. 2.Click the Hibernate tab, and then select the Enable hibernate support check box. If the Hibernate tab is not available, your hardware does not support this feature. 3.Click OK to close the Power Options dialog box. Note: When you put your computer into hibernation, everything in computer memory is saved on your hard disk. When you turn the computer back on, all programs and documents, that were open when you turned the computer off, are restored on the desktop. Once you got Hibernation working the Microsoft way, you can make a shortcut for it and do it your way. Step 1: Right click on the blank space of your computer desktop and select New and then select Shortcut. Step 2: The Create Shortcut wizard window will appear and you will see a text box with the heading on it like Type the location of the item. Now type the following line command in the text box rundll32.exe PowrProf.dll, SetSuspendState And click on Next button. Step 3:You will see Select a Title for the Program. Give it a name like Hibernate Then click on the Finish button. Giving it a cute icons should be no problem for you. One thing to keep in mind is that you can't wake the computer out of hibernation with the mouse or keyboard. No power is wasted on them during hibernation. You have to tap the power button on the computer. If the computer is deep under your desk and the button is tiny and recessed, you may want to epoxy a clear marble or something transparent on it, to make it easier to hit it with your foot, and still see the little light that is fashionable with today's power switches. If you are worried about epoxying the switch permanently OFF, you can easily make a clapper, like they are used for silent alarm kick-switches. Have FUN! DearWebby
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Mesh Vegetable Bags Reuse mesh onion bags as pan scrubbers! Just stuff a few into one bag and then tie a knot at the end of the bag! By Michele G from Buchanan, GA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Years ago in a small country store I saw an elderly woman asking to buy three pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The son of the owner was minding the store while the father had gone to lunch. He stated "Ma'am, your pail will only hold two pounds." She looked at him as if he were simple minded and said " Where is your daddy? He has managed to put three pounds of lard in this pail for the last five years!!!!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers." Cashier reply's: "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"

» Recycled Veggies into Famous Art
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Resume Windows as it was before 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday, July 16, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition." --- William Arthur Ward Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind. --- Socratex
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied. "Tell him . . . mother didn't come after all."
A Yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at 10 o'clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again. He didn't arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, "What took ya so long? You're over two hours late." "Hey! Give me a break," whined the Yuppie. "I have a 27 handicap."
2008 2010 Yes, the CHANGE is visible!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Sara Blasse, 23, in Vineland, NJ Carjacking report was a cover up for car crash during sex Police say a New Jersey woman admits falsely reporting a carjacking to cover up an auto accident that occurred while she was performing a sex act on the driver, The Daily Journal reports. A police report in Vineland, N.J., says Sara Blasse, 23, who broke her arm in the accident, was arrested charged with filing false reports to law enforcement. Police found the car, belonging to Blasse's father, smoldering after crashing into a tree. In the hospital, Blasse told officers a stranger she had asked for directions pulled a gun, threw her out of her car and took off. Pressed over inconsistencies in her story, Blasse, according to police, admitted that she had picked up an unknown man for sex and was performing a sex act on him with the crash occurred. Authorities now say this tale of carjacking and car sex was all a ruse to cover up the theft of a laptop computer from another vehicle. They have not proved sex while driving. All they know for sure is that a stolen laptop was jammed in the crashed vehicle and that they had set the vehicle on fire some time after the crash. The woman and her boyfriend have been charged.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie RE: Resume Windows as it was Dear Webby: While we are at it, I know you have explained before but of course I have forgotten, how to make the computer screen open the same way it was when you shut it down, ie. email full screen, or half, etc. Thanks again for you help Cookie Dear Cookie To do that, tell the computer to Hibernate instead of shutting it down. For Hibernating, it stores everything on the hard drive and you can "wake it up" to continue where you left off. While it is hibernating, it uses only a negligible amount of power and a laptop battery will last weeks. I don't recommend Standby or sleep. In case of a power failure, anything that had not been saved, is lost. On Standby it only saves the desktop to RAM, not to the hard drive. Always use Hibernate instead. Have FUN! DearWebby
Sue noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon." "Sure it does," he said. "How else can I can see the numbers?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Mesh Vegetable Bags Reuse mesh onion bags as pan scrubbers! Just stuff a few into one bag and then tie a knot at the end of the bag! By Michele G from Buchanan, GA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Traditional Onion Bag "flowers" or puff balls are also handy for scrubbing dead bugs off windshields and headlights. Some people tie the "flowers" to their car antenna, to make it easier to find the car in a large parking lot. Onion bags are also handy for small garden tools. They let them dry, so that they won't rust, and are very visible. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A robust-looking and very well dressed gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me beat up and thrown into the gutter like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the same chore again."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

» Egypt, now and then
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Hummingbird for wide screen 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, July 15, 2010

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. --- John Lennon As a retired Theologian with many years experience, I have concluded that most people earnestly desire to serve God -- In an advisory capacity. --- Dr. W.C. Farmer
First Hunter (panting): "I just met a great big bear in the woods!" Second Hunter: "Good! Did you give him both barrels?" First Hunter: "Both barrels? I gave him the whole gun!!"
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats too?" The little girl said, "I don't know..... I haven't learned how to cook those yet."
Thanks to my dad for this picture: Large version X-Large version This Jusbertii cactus is a night bloomer, and closes the blossoms within a minute of the sunrise. Dad wanted them back-lit by the sun, so he stood there shivering and waiting for the sunrise. The purple haze is from the sun just rising over the mountain, turning the pale white blossoms into a flash-bright blaze for a moment. Large version
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to two Valparaiso, Indiana juvenile thieves. So as not to discourage criminal careers and endanger the income of social workers and lawyers, their names have not been released. Boy applies for job, steals from tip jar VALPARAISO, Ind. (AP) - Police said two teens were arrested when one of them stole money from the tip jar of a northwestern Indiana ice cream shop just after they put their names on job applications. A clerk at Pat's Ice Cream Parlor in downtown Valparaiso told police the boys, ages 15 and 16, filled out the applications Friday afternoon. She said she went to file the applications when heard change clattering, then saw one of the boys grab the dollar bills from the tip jar and run out. The employee told police she chased after the boy and he turned over $2. Police reported one of the teens said he didn't steal, but gave the clerk his own money to avoid getting in trouble. Both boys were arrested on preliminary theft charges.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana RE: Hummingbird for Wide Screen Dear Webby: Would like to have today's hummingbird picture as wallpaper for my laptop. Is that possible? Screen resolution is 1280X800. As always, your help is very appreciated. Diana Dear Diana I didn't want to stretch the picture and make the bird fat. You probably would not want a picture of you stretched sideways 30%, right ? And I didn't want to saw off the space above and below it, because that is important to show how it is hovering, so I enlarged the canvas on the side and mirrored the flower into the empty space. You get an extra flower, but at least the bird stays in proportion. Large version for 1280x800 wide screen X-Large version for 1920x1200 wide screen Have FUN! DearWebby
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke. After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman again asks for a coke. After a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy wench! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, wench! Bring me my coke." Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane. At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Cookie and Cracker Package Trays Don't throw out the plastic trays from cookie and cracker bags! They work great as holders for beads or paper pieces for your crafts, but you can also use them as mini-green houses and flower pots. By Angela from Sault Ste Marie, ON http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

That falling parrot joke reminds me of this one: ====from Ethel: Dear Webby, want to make a tasty and nutritious meal out of those left-over banana peels? Put them in a coffee can and bury them to a depth of two feet. Leave them there all summer. When you dig them up and open the can, the odor is so bad, that it will actually cause birds to fall from the sky. Cook birds at 400 degrees for half an hour. Sincerely, Ethel.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
DUMBWAITER: Waiter who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has changed 600 diapers to make love again. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained broccoli.

» Crop Culture
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McAfee on disk not up to date 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, July 14, 2010

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --- Henry J. Tillman Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be enjoying themselves. "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." --- Lord Dewar
First Farmer: I used to quit plowing for lunch every day at exactly eleven-thirty. Second Farmer: Did you have a wristwatch or a pocket watch? First Farmer: Neither. The whistle at the sawmill blows every day at noon, and I simply quit a half hour before I heard it.
An Irishman living in England goes for a job on a construction site. The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?" The Irishman says, "Yes,shore kin." "Good. Can you drive a fork lift?" The Irishman looks at him and says, "Why, mon, how big is your teapot?"
Large version for your collection X-Large version for your collection
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Warren Carter, 45, from Denver, Colorado After sentencing, man bolts from courthouse A 45-year-old Denver man made a dash for freedom Monday after he was sentenced to three years in prison by a judge in Aspen, Pitkin County authorities said. Warren Carter, 45, was being led out of the courtroom when he bolted from officers and led police in Aspen on a seven-minute chase, the Sheriff's Office said in a statement. After officers chased him on foot, on bicycles and in cruisers, Carter was surrounded near the Aspen post office and talked into giving up by an Aspen police officer, according to the Pitkin County Sheriff's Office. Carter had pleaded guilty to burglary in March in exchange for dropping a number of related charges, including resisting arrest stemming from an October 2008 incident, records show. He has been free on $5,000 bond since his 2008 arrest.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rita RE: McAfee on disk not up to date Dear Webby I have McAfee on my comp that has windows 7..I downloaded the antivirus plus 2010…for some reason it is showing me my comp is not protected and at risk..it keep saying that my real time scanning is turned off..I turn it back on and it goes right back off.. I have tried to reinstall the antivirus disk and it won’t let me download from the cd. says I need to download it from the web.. why can’t I install it from the cd I bought a couple months or so ago? don’t know what else to do..any advise you can give will be greatly appreciated.. Thank you, Rita Dear Rita McAfee and all respectable anti-virus packages are always installed and updated over the net. Sometimes they are updated two - three times a day. Virus data, that is on a CD, and possibly many years old, is rather useless. Most likely that CD was just some scam. You HAVE to connect to McAfee online, and get their updates. Once you have been brought up to current, the daily updates are no problem. The McAfee icon in the task bar shows a rotating arrow for a while, then a tiny pop-up tells you, that McAfee has been updated, and disappears after a few seconds without you having to click on it. The same goes for any respectable anti-virus package. Always download them from the company that makes them, never buy them at Flea Markets and yard sales. Have FUN! DearWebby
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Baby Oil on Stainless Steel After cleaning your stainless steel smear on some baby oil with a dry cloth. The stains will be easier to remove in the future. By toybox45 from Renfrew http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the personnel department, air conditioning is handled by somebody upstairs."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little three-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quite. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing. "What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father. Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us bwought up in a good and regwitches home, but, but, but I don' wanna go to a witches home, I wanna stay with YOU and MOM!"

» Rodeo!
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MediaCom Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. --- E. F. Schumacher The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. --- Walter Bagehot
If you tried to vote Sunday after mid day, or Monday before mid-morning, the reason you could not find Ezinefinder was they were not online. They are not on any of our servers, and there is no way I can alert them, when their server and their email is down. Eventually, though, I managed to contact them on Monday through Cumuli. Not all of the Sunday votes were lost, only about a third of them. The rest has been added to the Monday votes, which missed the first 10 hours of Monday. Not all is lost, and hopefully we can regain the momentum shown on Saturday! Have FUN! DearWebby
A man went on a ski trip in New Zealand, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
Church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. The pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. All the deer are safe."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Bromalid. Large version for your collection
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Cory Dalton, 19, and Lori Lynn Larocque, 38, in Naples, Florida Shoplifter: 'Run, ma, run!' NAPLES, Fla., July 9 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said a mother-son shoplifting team was arrested after the mother left her debit card behind at the Kmart they targeted. Collier County sheriff's deputies said Cory Dalton, 19, and Lori Lynn Larocque, 38, were caught shoplifting $71 in merchandise from the Naples Kmart at about 3 p.m. June 24 and while a loss prevention officer was escorting them to an office Dalton shouted, "Run, ma, run," and the pair fled the store, the Naples Daily News reported Friday. Deputies said Larocque and Dalton fled in a Cadillac but left behind Larocque's debit card and $13 worth of items they had legally purchased. Investigators said they located the pair Tuesday at Dalton's home and they were both arrested and charged with petty theft. Dalton also had an arrest warrant for failure to appear in court on a marijuana possession charge, authorities said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana RE: Incompetence at MediaCom Dear Webby, You can add my ISP (the one and only local cable company for my area) MediaCom, to your list of incompetent ISPs. I have called and argued, pleaded, begged for them to deliver my email - to no avail. It seems each time I call I'm speaking to a different person and all of them must have been working their first day on the job as none can explain why your newsletter gets to me one or two days each week. I mostly have to read it by going to your website - maybe the incompetent ISPs are the reason the vote count is down so many days. Even though I go to your website and read the newsletter and vote, probably a lot of your readers don't do so when they don't receive the newsletter. I'm really perturbed and ticked off about this because your newsletter is my "must read" of each day. You do an excellent job and I very much appreciate all the work and time you put into it. Diana Albany, GA Dear Diana You don't have the choice to switch to Fiber, like the people in developed countries, where the national average household connection speed is 20Mbps or better. In your area, 4 Mbps cable is "good enough fer them hillbillies". Writing to the newspapers might get you cut off from even that, so I would not recommend that. About all you can do is get a gmail address, and set your Thunderbird to check it too. Then you can gradually tell all your contacts to use the gmail address. To Thunderbird it is just another address. With Gmail you can make filters, that are rock solid. You will never again lose a subscription or a utility bill or any other important email. Have FUN! DearWebby ====================== Dear Webby Is there a problem between Webby and Comcast? We did not get Humor for Monday. First time we have not received it. My Mailwasher had a note from Webby saying something about a Comcast problem. Guinn Dear Guinn There IS a problem at Comcast. The technical term for their problem is "Intermittent Incompetence". Just like other Comcast victims, you have to get into the habit of yelling at them now and then. You can go to http://webby.com/humor/no-sub.html, and have the list of all we do, ready in front of you, when you screech a temper tantrum at them. That list shows you, that they have absolutely NO excuse for stealing your subscription. From what I hear, after you yell at them, they stay away from your mail like a singed cat, and don't mess with it for months at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby
A freshman walked into the campus bookstore. Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his classes, the clerk responded, "This is the book you want for that class. It will do half the work for you!" "Great," the young man replied, "I'll take two."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Sun Tea for Summer Events When helping out at a summer event, I didn't brew hot tea for the iced tea - but just made "sun tea" by soaking the teabags in the urns we had and putting them in the sun. It made tea concentrate, and didn't have to be cooled down very much to drink. It just needed a bit of ice! By pamphyila from CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Right outside her front door, Joe's mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees. "Mom," Joe's wife suggested without thinking, "you should stick that thing where the sun doesn't shine."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver, and asked the man in the coinvertible, if he knew why he was pulled over. "No," the man replied. "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained. "But I did slow down!" the driver argued. The cop pulled out his riot stick and his big flashlight and began a spirited drum solo on the driver's head. "Tell me if you want me to stop or just slow down a bit."

» Rainbows
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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More Comcast problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, July 12, 2010

Due to the spy exchange the Russians are calling Obamanov now "Obmenov". "obmen" (rus) == exchange. Barak is Russian for "prisoner- or cow-shack", or "from shack" --- Victor Gabar
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?" God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he brag to?"
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "Yes, Ma'am, I'll tell him."
Thanks to JoAnn for this picture: So much rain this year but at last a lily or two to bring a smile. We need to look quick as the weather people say that clouds and drizzles are soon to return. JoAnn
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Jeanne Mundango Manunga, 25, Santa Ana, California Woman jailed for making threats ... to herself SANTA ANA – A 25-year-old Santa Ana woman was sentenced to a year in jail Friday for sending hundreds of threatening text messages – to herself. Jeanne Mundango Manunga's criminal problem was that she blamed the harassing text messages on an ex-boyfriend and his sister-in-law, and reported them to the police. They were arrested on false charges of making criminal threats and required to post thousands of dollars in bail. The sister-in-law was arrested three times, and spent some time in custody before she could gather enough funds to pay the bail on her third arrest. A jury convicted Manunga of three felony counts of false imprisonment by fraud or deceit and two misdemeanor counts of making a false police report in May. On Friday, Superior Court Judge Patrick H. Donahue sentenced Manunga to a year in jail, placed her on three years probation, told her to stay away from her ex-boyfriend and his sister-in-law, and ordered her to repay the victims about $50,000 in restitution. Deputy District Attorney Mena Guirguis said that after Manunga and her former boyfriend stopped dating in 2008, she took out a pre-paid cell phone in his sister-in-law's name, and started sending the threatening text messages to her regular cell phone. Manunga then went to three different police departments on at least 19 occasions and claimed that the ex-boyfriend and the sister-in-law were behind the threats. Her scheme was uncovered when the victims went to the phone store, talked with the salesman and learned that Manunga had bought the pre-paid phone under the sister-in-law's name, Guirguis said. They reported that information to a Costa Mesa police detective, but by then a third arrest warrant had been issued for the sister-in-law. During a follow-up investigation, the detective discovered that most of the threatening text messages were sent when the pre-paid cell phone was in close proximity to Manjunga's home or work, Guirguis said. At the sentencing hearing Friday, the two victims said they were devastated about being arrested on false charges, and worried about clearing their names.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joy RE: More Comcast censorship or incompetence? Dear Webby, I wanted to share that I have comcast mail and you are right. They censored my insurance mail and I never got it, and it didn't bounce back to the insurance office either! So I switched email for the insurance office to use to reach me and have everything sent to my outlook. I got their email message within one minute using Yahoo mail! I learned this lesson about two weeks ago! The insurance office was aware of problems with comcast email. I did recieve a few pieces of mail from them before I switched, but who knows how many I didn't get! Thank you for all the important things you pass along to all of us! Have a great day! Joy Dear Joy Your letter was the first of many similar ones. It looks like all the big ISPs, Verizon, Comcast, Charter, Telus, etc. can not be relied upon to deliver important mail. They are not as bad as Hotmail and MSN, but even just one missed important email can have devastating effects. Have FUN! DearWebby
A party-goer decided it would be best to walk home. He found a shortcut through a poorly lit cemetery and, in the darkness, stumbled into an open grave. He tried to climb out but the walls were too slippery. Again and again he fell back into the grave. Finally, in exhaustion, he settled in a corner to wait for sunlight. A few minutes later another man cutting through the cemetery fell into the same grave. He, too, tried desperately to climb and claw his way out, and he was equally unsuccessful. As he was about to give up in hopeless resignation, he heard a voice from the darkness of his pit: "You'll never get out of here." - He did!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Take Advantage of Free Performances We get schedules of student performances at our local colleges and attend the free ones. By Ruth from New York http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One day, while giving with my neighbor and her 5 year old daughter a ride to some event downtown, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me as if she was demanding an explanation. I told her, "I did that by accident..." She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say '@#$%&!' after beeping, like mom does when she beeps!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

» Shipwrecks of Truk
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Comcast censoring or incompetence? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, July 11, 2010

It is not enough for a man to know how to ride; he must know how to fall. ---John Wayne Men have become the tools of their tools. --- Henry David Thoreau
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "I know you'll never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question, "YOU, Billy-Bob, YOU really are going to be getting up in time, and not only that, but making your own bed every morning?"
A man spent his weekend fishing without a single bite. As he's going home cold and dejected, he stops at a fish store on the edge of the lake and asks for four pike. He tells the clerk, "Pick out the four largest ones you have and throw them at me, will you?" "OK," the clerk says. "But why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because," says the hapless fisherman, "I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
Thanks to Guinn for tis picture: Dear Webby. I took your advice and used my remote and Bulb setting for these fireworks pix. Use one if you like, Guinn
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Eloise Mireles and Daniel Mireles in Houston, Texas Thief gets 6 years of humiliation In Houston, a judge is forcing a former county employee, who stole $250,000 intended for crime victims, to stand at a busy intersection and hold a sign declaring she's a thief -- and she'll have to do it every weekend for the next six years, five hours at a time. Daniel Mireles was sentenced to 400 hours of community service, and Eloise Mireles was given 600. and they have to make restitution. And they have to post a sign in front of their house that says, "The occupants of this residence, Daniel and Eloise Mireles, are convicted thieves." Then came the kicker -- public humiliation. The pair must tote signs at the busiest intersection in Houston. "'I am a thief. I stole $250,000 from a Harris County crime victims fund' signed Daniel Mireles. Yours will be signed Eloise Mireles," Judge Fine ruled. If they violate any of these terms, they could go to prison for 10 years.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rae RE: Comcast censorship or incompetence? Dear Webby, I've used Outlook Express for many years and only in the last months have I had a problem receiving your newsletter. It comes sporatically. When it doesn't appear in my inbox, I go online and read it. Yesterday I saw a blurb about your votes being way down. Could this have something to do with it? Thanks for sharing the jokes, pictures, sites and information with us. I really apprecaiated your travels and all in your letters. Rae Dear Rae The problem is not Outlook Express. That is just the reader. The problem is Comcast. Outlook Express, or ANY email processing program, can't show what Comcast failed to deliver. Most Comcast victims have Comcast support on speed dial, because the Humor Letter is not the only thing they frequently fail to deliver. Apparently you have to yell at them on a regular basis in order to get most of your email. Just like with Verizon and their persistent MX problem, and with Charter and their insane experiments, it is a good idea for Comcast victims to switch important mail like utility bills and subscriptions to a Gmail address. You CAN have your Outlook Express check both the Comcast AND the Gmail addresses at the same time. That sure beats having your electricity cut off, because Comcast has censored your utility bills! Go to Gmail Outlook Express POP Help. They step you through the few required simple steps to set it all up. The same goes for any other email programs, even for some programs, that are not available to the general public any more. Gmail has detailed instructions for each of them. Have FUN! DearWebby
Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. They assembled in front of the new machine and fed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Summer Library Programs Most local Libraries have great summer reading programs. It's free, it's fun and it's educational! Our local libraries have a wonderful program for kids. The child colors in a circle on a chart for every 20 minutes they read and when they get halfway around the chart, they get a free pizza. When they get to the end of the reading chart they get a wonderful arts and crafts box full of goodies! My 6 year old granddaughter is reading up a storm this summer so she can get that prize at the end! Each library has different summer programs, call yours and ask what they offer. Your kids will thank you for it! No more "Mom, I'm bored!" this summer! By Cyinda from Near Seattle http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A group of U.S. marines got a refresher course on first aid prior to leaving for Afghanistan. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, there was a quick test. Instructor: "What do you do if you receive a minor head wound?" Marine: "Keep going." Inst.: "What do you do if your Sergeant has a head wound and is out cold?" Marine: "I sit down and have a smoke. He'll be up and screaming at me in two seconds flat."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Miss Figpot brought a replica statue of Venus de Milo to show her fifth grade glass. She asked the class, "What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Juan." "The smooth finish," answers Juan. "Very good. And you, Rodney?" "Her boobs!" "Rodney, get out! Go stand in the hall," Miss Figpot says with disgust. "And you, Johnny?" Little Johnny replies, "I'm leaving, Miss Figpot, I'm leaving..."

» Academy of Arts & Science
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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One click Hibernate for Windows 7 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, July 10, 2010

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators. --- Will Rogers
A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn". "I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Whatever," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination." "You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her. "Whatever, I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity.... what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You were going mighty fast there, Father." The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin...see how it runs." The policeman shakes his head. "I am going to have to give you a ticket. Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three on a motorcycle falls under reckless driving."
Let me see those instructions for the GPS!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to a 50 year old drunk in Madison, Wisconsin Man threw tantrum over brandy MADISON, Wis., July 8 (UPI) -- Wisconsin police said a robbery victim threw a temper tantrum in the middle of a Madison road when officers told him his brandy was being booked as evidence. Madison police spokesman Joel DeSpain said the 50-year-old man decided to buy a bottle of brandy to share with two white male teens he was talking to Friday in James Madison Park and the teenagers then robbed him of the booze and his wallet at gunpoint, The Capital Times, Madison, reported Thursday. DeSpain said the suspects fled but police dogs led officers to two backpacks believed to belong to the teenagers. "The brandy was in one backpack," DeSpain said. "The victim became very upset when informed it was evidence and he wouldn't be getting it back immediately." The spokesman said the man lay down in the road and demanded the return of his brandy. "He was arrested later on for making false 911 calls, (that were more failed attempts at retrieving his liquor," DeSpain said. Charges for supplying liquor to minors won't be added until the teens are caught.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dolores RE: One Click Hibernate Dear Webby, Do you have a one click solution to make Windows 7 hibernate? It takes way too long to shut down and start up every day, so we just put it into hibernation. Yeah, yeah, I know it was a dumb idea to get a W7 computer, so please don't rub it in. Waking W7 up from hibernation is almost as fast as starting a cold XP machine, and even my daughter can wait that long without getting into too much mischief. Thanks Dolores Dear Dolores Right click on the desktop and select New -> Shortcut Paste the next line into the Location field: C:\Windows\System32\rundll32.exe powrprof.dll,SetSuspendState 0,1,0 Hit NEXT Name it Hib or whatever you want Hit FINISH Assign a suitable icon to it, and drag it into a corner, where you won't accidentally hit it, because that Hibernate shortcut is faster than anything else on Windows 7, and will turn the screen black like a lightswitch. The hard drive light will continue to blink, while Windows puts everything away, but the screen, mouse and the keyboard will be off. Have FUN! DearWebby
When Joe stopped the bus to pick up a kid for preschool, he noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" Joe asked. "Yes, she's come to visit us for summer." "How nice," he said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Summer Library Programs Most local Libraries have great summer reading programs. It's free, it's fun and it's educational! Our local libraries have a wonderful program for kids. The child colors in a circle on a chart for every 20 minutes they read and when they get halfway around the chart, they get a free pizza. When they get to the end of the reading chart they get a wonderful arts and crafts box full of goodies! My 6 year old granddaughter is reading up a storm this summer so she can get that prize at the end! Each library has different summer programs, call yours and ask what they offer. Your kids will thank you for it! No more "Mom, I'm bored!" this summer! By Cyinda from Near Seattle http://www.thriftyfun.com/ "Bored" ? When I looked anything less than harried and in a hurry, I got sent to weed the raspberry rows or the garden. I did my reading at night, under the blanket, with a flashlight connected with thin speaker wires to the door bell transformer, and the lightbulb in it replaced with a bicycle light bulb. By the time I was 10, I finished a book in two nights. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Webby, not sure whether you will get this or not but the last joke with the priests reminded me of one I heard several years ago: Here goes: A preacher was driving down the highway when he came up behind a car weaving all over the road. He figures that the driver in the vehicle must be drunk. The preacher decides that he should pass and get on down the road so there will have no chance of being in a possible accident. He starts around the car and hits a slick spot in the road and the car goes off in a deep ravine but lands right side up. The drunk stops and staggers over to the edge of the road and yells, "Hey Buddy, are you okay?" The preacher answers back and says, "Yes, thank you, the Lord is riding with me." To which the drunk replies, "Well, you had better let him ride with me before you kill him."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Two babies in a hospital nursery: "I'm a little girl." "I'm a little boy." "How do you know you're a little boy?" "Wait till the nurse goes out and I'll show you." When the nurse left, the baby pulled up his gown. "See? Blue booties."

» Awesome Avian Photos
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Single Click shut-down 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday, July 9, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
If you don’t believe in karma, or reincarnation, don’t worry; 
probably you will, in your next life.
--- Dr. Bruce Goldberg

My karma ran over your dogma.
--- Frank Zappa


What happened? The votes dropped to 93! That must be the worst day in the last 15 years! I know I can't please everybody, but if there is something, that needs to be changed, please tell me! DearWebby
Joe's poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. And Joe being the dutiful lil' husband he is, offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. He couldn't find the tea though and yelled upstairs asking where it was. She yelled back, "You are just being difficult! I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches' behind the crouton jar."
An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry. The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions. The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie. The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?" "This movie should be rated 'R' because those Jews are being fed to the lions!" The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews." "Oh. Ok. Well, start the movie up again." A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?" She points to the screen. "Those lions over there, on the left, -- they're not eating!!!"
How many heads?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Robert Edward Tyrrell Jr., 29, of Villa Rica, Ga. Held his mom hostage for not ironing his clothes Robert Edward Tyrrell Jr., 29, of Villa Rica, Ga., is charged with aggravated assault and false imprisonment after holding his mother hostage for six hours. Robert Edward Tyrrell Jr. remains jailed without bond today in Carroll County, Georgia. He lives with his parents and on June 30, 2010, insisted that his mom, Billie Jo Tyrrell, 51, iron his clothes. Mom declined to do so, prompting Robert Tyrrell to pull a gun and then take his mother’s car keys and cell phone. After six hours mom managed to escape and went straight to the police. They didn't iron his clothes either, just hauled him off to jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Diana RE: One Click Shut-down Dear Webby, I haven't had to bug you for a while now but now I need your expert help. Quite a while ago you gave instructions on how to shut down your computer by just clicking on an icon on the desktop. I had to restore my computer due to a bad graphics card that was replaced and would love to get that back. Thank you so much for all the help you give everybody. Diana Dear Diana This works in XP and Vista 1. Right-click any empty location on your desktop. 2. Click New, Shortcut. The Create Shortcut Wizard appears. 3. In the Type the Location of the Item box, type shutdown -s -t 0 It's important that you put spaces before each hyphen, that you have no spaces after each hyphen, and that you use a zero at the end. 4. Click Next. 5. In the Type a Name for This Shortcut box, use a name that will remind you that this button is for a very quick shut down. 6. Click Finish. You have a new shortcut on your desktop. 7. Right-click the shortcut and click Properties. Click the Change Icon button. 8. Pick an appropriate icon for the shortcut and double-click it. 9. Click OK, and your new, quick shut down shortcut appears on the desktop. To test the new, fast shut down icon, make sure no programs are running, and double-click it. On a typical machine, you see the log-off screen in about three seconds, and after another two or three seconds, you get the "It is now safe to turn off your computer" message or the screen going black as it shuts off.. This isn't a leisurely process. Windows gives you a short period of time to save changes in your documents, and other applications quit in an orderly way. It still takes a while to shut down, depending on how many programs you have still open, but it is just one click and no rigmarole, unless you have unsaved stuff open. Then it will still prompt you to save. Have FUN! DearWebby
Attorney to prospective juror: "How do you feel about defense attorneys?" Juror: "They should all be drowned at birth." Attorney: "So you are biased towards the prosecution?" Juror: "Not really, I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Conserving Water in the Garden Here are some tips for conserving water in your garden: * Water your garden in the late afternoon but not at night. It needs time to let the surface dry so mold and fungus aren't able to damage the plants. * Set out buckets to collect rainwater. It's much better for the plants because of the nutrients in it. * Put newspapers around the plants when they are small and cover them with about an inch of soil. Saturate them with water. This will discourage weeds and slow down the drying process. * Buy a soaker hose and thread it around the plants. It gets the moisture where you want it, into the soil near t he plant and doesn't evaporate like it does with a sprinkler. * Water generously rather than often. Surface watering doesn't encourage deeper root growth and makes it necessary to water more frequently. Source: These tips came directly from the school of experience. My family had a garden every year and I was taught right there at home. By Sandy from Elon, NC http://www.thriftyfun.com/ There are no nutrients in rain water. It is distilled water. If you use rain water, you need more fertilizer, to make up for that. If you have a choice, river water is best. The muddier, the better. The plants need those minerals and metals to grow, and use them up and deplete them as they grow. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the LAWN MOWER !"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

» Awesome Avian Photos
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Harvesting pictures from PPS 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, July 8, 2010

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. --- Albert Einstein The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. --- Sam Levenson A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men. --- Roald Dahl
A psychiatrist has been treating a woman's husband, and one day he tells her, "I have good news. Your husband is cured. He will no longer go around thinking he's Napoleon. His original personality has returned, and he is now himself again." "What?" she says angrily. "Before, my husband was someone important. Now I'm going to be the wife of a nobody!"
A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "One-seventy." he says. The nurse puts him on the scale It turns out that his weight is 183. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Five-eleven." he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5' 8 1/2". She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and slim. Then, after one look at you, I became short and fat!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Paul Barrett, 39 of Co Durham, England Ebay faker convicted
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donny RE: Harvesting pictures from PPS Dear Webby Still enjoying your letter daily (since I switched to G-mail). Just a quick question. Probably easy but I can't figure it out - LOL ! Is there any way (or A FREE program) to remove individual pics from a 'Power Point Presentation' for use as wallpaper ? Thanks, and keep up the good work !! Donny Dear Donny OpenOffice is free. It is similar to Microsoft Office but most people claim it is a couple versions ahead of MS. MS Office has MS PowerPoint for PPS and PPT files Open Office has Impress for PPS and PPT files. With Impress it opens those files in editing mode by default, and you have to hit F5 to auto-play them. In Editing mode you just click on any sappy text overlay and dump it, then right-click the picture, select Copy. Jump to your graphics program and paste it with CTRL V. There you can then re-size it to your monitor resolution, for example 1600 x 1200, or whatever you are using, and save it to your picture stash. If you are using a sawed off monitor you will have to crop the picture to the 16:9 ratio, if you are going to use it for a monitor size wall paper or screen saver. Otherwise headlights will be oval, and everything will be stretched wider. You have some choices: You can either saw off the heads of the family portrait, or cut their legs, or a bit of both, or you can add "matting" on the left or right side. For matting, open a new picture and size it to your monitor, for example 1600 x 945, and flood fill it with a dark color. Resize the harvested picture from 1024 x 768 to 1260 x 945 (keeping the aspect ratio the same and headlights round). Then paste that 1260 x 945 picture into the prepared dark matting and either center it or move it to the right. If you move it to the right, then you have a 340 pixel wide neutral margin on the left, where you got most of your desktop icons. They won't shine through a screen saver, but if you choose to use the picture as desktop wall paper, then the icons will be easier to spot on a dark matting than in a busy picture. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man is taking an English class where the instructor is discussing the Greek origins of many English words. "Tell me," he says to the class, "what do the words 'monogamy' and 'monotony' have in common?" From the back of the room comes a gravelly voice: "They're synonyms."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Iron-on Interfacing for Mending Fine Fabrics You can use iron-on interfacing, which comes in white or black, for mending of items with finer fabrics. The interfacing is so light weight that the mend won't show, as it would with regular bonding materials. By Pamphyila from CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hystErical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she interrupts with: "But, before we got married, you told me you loved me..."

» Austria
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Mars in August 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." --- Sir. Winston Churchill (1874-1965) Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology. --- Clive James - or you can get a degree in liberal arts and stock shelves at Walmart.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing students from Southern California. After chatting them up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they told us how sweet that was. Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sentence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."
Thanks to Bill for this story: My favorite preacher joke is about the young Priest being allowed at last to deliver the sermon and conduct the whole service, asked the senior pastor for a critique - the good Father said, "Well lad, you delivered a fine sermon, that you did. But you had a bit of nervousness problem during the announcements. It's going to be a "taffy" pull at St. Peters, not the other way around. - there is no St. Taffy."
OK, OK! I won't fart again! Promise!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Temitope Adenugba, 24, Oxford, England Jail for false accusation
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lillemor RE: Mars in August Dear Webby Mark the calendar for August 28, when Mars.... Lillemor Dear Lillemor That is an ancient hoax! In 2003, when Mars was close, it looked, at 75x zoom, almost as big as the moon without a scope. Without a scope, Mars looked about as big as usual, but with some imagination, it did seem to have a bit of a reddish tinge to it's sparkle. This year on August 27 Mars won't even be in your evening sky. If you simply must see a planet this Aug. 27th, go outside after dark and look south. Jupiter may be found shining brightly in the constellation Capricorn. Also note the quarter moon. It is having a pretty close "virtual" encounter with the red, 1st-magnitude star Antares, a name which means "rival of Mars." Have FUN! DearWebby --------------------------- From Dave: dear Webby, Just a note to let you know that I am finally back to receiving your humor letter - at least it has come through since July 1st, every day. Several times it had come 1 or 2 days, then stop. Frustrating! I called Charter several times - very difficult to get to a human, but then talked with a pleasant young lady in the Philippines! I suggested that our local cable commission would be interested in hearing of the censorship which Charter was doing. Not long after, the letter resumed. I still intend to have a comment with the local cable group. How I wish we had another choice - the competition would certainly benefit anyone on the system. Thanks for your advice and the letter, Dave
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..Ah guess so." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least a minute this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Chalk as a Spot Remover My mother had some great chalk spot remover, which I inherited. But I am running out and have been wondering how to replace it. Somewhere I saw that you could use ordinary playground chalk for similar spot cleaning (great for grease spots). You apply the chalk, it absorbs the grease, and you can just dust it off. I picked up some sidewalk chalk at my last visit to the 99 cent Store. It's not quite as soft, but I think it will do. By Pamphyila from CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Sidewalk chalk usually has some wax and/or grease in it to make it a bit more rain proof. You need plain and proper blackboard chalk. Avoid "dust-free" or "low-dust" types. They contain grease. You can also use Gypsum or Plaster of Paris and make your own chalk. Just heat it in a cast iron frying pan or on the BBQ to 150º C (300º F) for 10 minutes and it will soften and work fine. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A teacher asks his fifth-grade students to write an essay telling what they would do if they had 5 million dollars. Each of them begins scribbling away immediately -- all, that is, but one little boy who sits idle, looking out the window. When the teacher stroll around the room he sees only one short sentence on his sheet. "What is this?" the teacher asks. "Is this your essay? Everyone else has written two pages or more, and you have done nothing." "Well," the little fellow replies brightly, "read it. That's exactly what I would do if I had 5 million dollars." The teacher bent down and read: "Hire someone to do the work for me, especially the writing."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Two intrepid explorers meet in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. Says one, "I'm here to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" The second explorer sighs deeply. "I came because my wife has begun violin lessons."

» New Britain Museum
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Free graphics program 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family .... in another city." --- George Burns There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. --- Mark Twain It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few years later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. He stopped to talk to him: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said 'you've got a heart murmur.Be careful'." "Too Late!" he replied.
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
Large Version for your collection
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Vanessa Kimball, 29, in Land O'Lakes, Florida Woman gave neighbor's trailer away on Craigslist LAND O'LAKES, Florida — A Pasco County woman has been charged with grand theft for reportedly giving away her neighbor's trailer on Craigslist. Deputies arrested Vanessa Kimball, 29, on Thursday. The sheriff's office reports that Kimball posted an ad on Craigslist June 22, encouraging anyone to "come get this trailer, attach it to your car and get it out of here." Kimball was reportedly upset that Robert Andrews, 24, who had moved in two weeks earlier, left the trailer, packed with old furniture, in the parking lot of their Land O'Lakes apartment complex. Andrews learned about the ad when people continued to show up, asking about the trailer. The trailer and furniture were returned the next day, but Andrews says it was damaged. Kimball was released Friday on $2,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira RE: Graphics program Dear Webby I got stuck with teaching computer graphics to an adult class this fall and winter, after the person who had eagerly wanted to do it, bowed out, when he realized that it was a volunteer position. You talked me into using PSP about 15 years ago, but I realize, that program is not free and therefore not suitable for this. What do you recommend we use? Elvira Dear Elvira That is a simple and straightforward choice: GIMP GIMP is just as good as Photoshop and close enough to PSP, that you won't have any difficulty getting familiar enough with it by fall, so that you can comfortably teach it. You can download it free at "http://www.gimp.org/downloads/">GIMP They gratefully accept donations, just like I do, but just like me, they are not holding their breath waiting for one. Have FUN! DearWebby
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen. The guide replied, "One."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood for Cat Scratching Posts Logs for firewood make a great scratching area for cats and kittens, also you can roll a ribbon rug from the dollar store around one and tie it with a sash making sure there are no loose ends. Lay this around to scratch on. A square carpet patch can be put on a log with a large sash and it can make a good scratching post too. I like providing things for the kittens to do to get them more socialized. By Robyn Fed from Hampton, TN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Boris for this story: Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit HER sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity yet. We had to watch television by candlelight.

» Truck Spills
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How to save pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday, July 5, 2010

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint Exupery "Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." --- Franklin P. Jones "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." --- Chinese Proverb
A man buys a new suit, then tells the salesman that he would like a tie to go with it. The salesmen shows him a selection, and the man picks out one that he likes. "How much is this one?" he asks the salesman. "Sixty-five dollars." "What?" he says. "I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money." "Maybe," says the salesman, "but while shoes around the neck look OK with beach wear, they woud clash with that fancy suit."
"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of 2 ducklings Large Version for your collection
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to the EPA Too insane to have been caused by dope The sheep shout that the BP spill proves we need more regulation. Just before the spill, the Government was about to nominate BP for a safety award. This month, EPA officials outdid themselves to show why goverment should be given less, not more, authority. The Holland Sentinel reports: New Environmental Protection Agency regulations treat spilled milk like oil, requiring farmers to build extra storage tanks and dikes and form emergency spill plans. ... “It’s just another, unnecessary over-regulation by the government just lacking any common sense,” said Bill Robb, dairy educator for Michigan State University Extension. Why would the government make such a ridiculous demand? The EPA explanation: EPA regulations state that “milk typically contains a percentage of animal fat, which is a non-petroleum oil. Thus, containers storing milk are subject to the Oil Spill Prevention, Control and Countermeasure Program rule ...” There is no proof that milk has ever harmed the environment, just an insane assumption by dopey idiots who feel a perverted need to make rules for everybody else. Just like there is no proof that cow farts and cars and CO2 cause Glow-Bull warming, only a "Consensus of grant applicants". The result is that the big farms will get grants to build dikes and redundant storage facilities, the small farmers will have to raise the price of milk and butter to pay for it, and seeing that the little farmers get away with raising the prices, the big ones will immediately follow. The low and limited income people will suffer the most, as is the norm when socialist burocrats meddle with the economy.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: CyberGrannie RE: Saving pictures Dear Webby Hi - great site and I vote everyday! I love your photos (especially your travels and your Dad's catus!! I would like to save these and use as a slide show on my computer but I have not found a way to save them. How is the best way to do this? And is it okay? Thanks, CyberGrannie Dear CyberGrannie Dear CyberGrannie First make a folder for storing the pictures. Right-Click START, select EXPLORE, browse to a location that you can easily find, preferably right at the top in C:\ If you name it !downloads, then it will show alphabetically on top and will be most convenient. Then, when you see a picture, that you want to save, see if there is a link to a large version, and if there is, go there. RightClick it Select VIEW picture (That is to make sure you got the right one) Then right-click it again and select Save As browse the Save selector to your !download folder, and hit Enter. Done. Next! Depending on your browser, the procedure may be slightly different, but close enough, so that you can figure it out. Have FUN! DearWebby
A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Taliban jokes we knew. After a while I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey you! I'm Afghan and I don't like you telling all those Afghani jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against Talibans." "My mother is in Afghanistan!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. For a moment there I was quite concerned. I wasn't sure what he would have done if he had found a place to plug it in!!!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Happy Birthday USA Cupcakes When my kids were tiny, I wondered how to teach them the significance of Independence Day. I was reading Sesame Street Magazine with my kids, and saw a page that was entitled, "Happy Birthday, USA!" Then a great idea hit me, what's a birthday without CAKE? I took the kids shopping and we decided on strawberry (or cherry) chip cake mix with white cream cheese frosting with red and blue decorator's gel for the lettering. We made cupcakes, frosted them, and wrote "USA" with the decorator's gel. Each cupcake got a blue birthday candle so everybody at our family barbecue could sing Happy Birthday to the USA and blow out their own candle. It was just the right way to start teaching our children the importance of patriotism. Independence Day is more than parades, food, and fireworks. Now my kids are teens, and we still keep the tradition. Just a baking hint - if you are making a cake mix, add 1/2 cup - 1 cup of sour cream to the mix before baking. It makes the cake SO MOIST and more like scratch! By Marie from Idaho Falls, Idaho http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Scrawled across the factory wall were the words, "Question Everything!" A couple of days later someone added one word, "Why?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

» Fireworks
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How to take fireworks pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday, July 4, 2010
Happy Independence Day!



"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." --- Eric Hoffer "Pick battles big enough to matter, yet small enough to win." --- Jonathan Kozol
A fifth grader is heading to school one morning when his mother stops him and says, "The neck tag on your shirt is hanging out." "I know," the boy says. Day in and day out, the tag at the back of his neck sticks out until one morning his mother says, "I can't stand it. Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you," and she gently tucks the tag in place and rumples his hair. The youngster smiles slyly and says, "Yeah, all the girls do, too."
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to a truck driver in Kitchener, Ontario Sent in by Jackie Trucker pulls quite a stunt, er, tooth Charged after extracting his tooth while driving By DON PEAT, Toronto Sun A Kitchener truck driver is facing a careless driving charge but on the bright side, his tooth doesn’t hurt anymore. Lambton County OPP say they stopped a big rig driver doing some driving dentistry along Hwy. 402 on Wednesday. Const. John Reurink told the Sun Saturday it’s the first time he’s ever heard of a driver being pulled over for performing dental surgery. “I’ve never heard of this sort of thing occurring before,” Reurink said, adding he has stopped drivers doing their make-up, reading a map or talking on a cell phone. “Somebody doing amateur tooth pulling? That’s a first.” Reurink said it all started June 30 when an officer was on Hwy. 402 in Warwick Township, near Sarnia, and a passing driver pointed him to a tractor trailer being driven “all over the road.” The officer found the eastbound rig and pulled it over. Cops determined the 58-year-old driver was driving so poorly because he was trying to pull out a tooth while he was driving. “The driver was very forthright with the officer,” Reurink said. The amateur dentist of a driver had rigged a string around his hurting tooth and then tied the other end to the roof of the cab, police said. “One good bump and the tooth should come out,” police explained. Turns out the “one good bump” likely did come along at some point. “The evidence of his efforts were nearby,” Reurink said. When the driver was stopped the officer found a bloody tooth and a string lying next to him. Strangely, police say the road down that way isn’t that bumpy and was recently resurfaced. “He might have been better off on a sideroad,” Reurink said. Police won’t be releasing the driver’s name because he’s charged under the Highway Traffic Act, not the Criminal Code, and they figure he’d be “continuously bombarded” by media trying to talk to him about his stunt - which would likely be more of a headache than a toothache.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kate RE: Fireworks pictures Dear Webby You are an old pro photographer. Can you tll me the secret to take good fireworks pictures? Kate Dear Kate First, pick a location, that is upwind of the fireworks. The wind should be blowing from you towards the fireworks. Second best is downwind, worst is shooting across the wind. Set up a tripod or sandbag to hold the camera as steady as possible. A sandbag on top of a car, and a bag of buckshot on top of the camera is actually better than the most expensive tripod. If your camera has a remote control, it is well worth finding it and using it. If you can adjust the ISO (film speed equivalent), set it as low as you can. That might require studying the manual. With today's cameras that setting is usually deep down in some menus. Get a piece of black cardboard ready and handy. Set the camera for a 12 second exposure, or to B for manual long exposure. With the B setting, the shutter is open as long as the clicker is held down. If your camera has a zoom lens, don't zoom for any long exposures! The zoom will magnify the tiniest jitter and the picture will be fuzzy. Before you click for the 12 second exposure or the B, cover the lens with the black cardboard. Then gently but quickly move the cardboard out of the way for 6 to 8 seconds, then cover the lens again and let go of the clicker. Check the picture and see if you need a longer or shorter exposure time. Depending on how busy the fireworks are, how close to them you are, and how much interference you get from street and house lights, that time may have to be changed drastically. 6 to 8 seconds is merely a good starting period. The same method also works well for capturing traffic streams at night. Have FUN! DearWebby
"So you claim this man just walked up and hit you with malice aforethought?" asked the lawyer. "Look, smart alec, I know all about you lawyers and your tricks. You can't mix me up that easy," replied the elderly man. "I don't know what a malice is. I said he hit me with his fist, and I'm sticking to it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Care With Fireworks Parents beware! Teens and tweens love fireworks, but their brains don't comprehend the consequences of their actions. Always have an adult to supervise any fireworks. Kids can think up some crazy things! By vguy from Earle, AR http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "You are looking just fine, don't worry."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"How's your mother," a friend asked. "Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis." "My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?" "Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."

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PowerPoint won't open from Outloook Express 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday, July 3, 2010

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. --- Voltaire One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. --- Will Durant What you see depends on what you thought before you looked. --- Eugene Taurman
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, exactly the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and, imitating her whining, said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me, you know I am pregnant!"
Jill chewed out her husband at the company picnic. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I tell them I'm just filling up the plate for you!"
Thanks to Sue for sending this picture of her wren
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Donald Norman Duck, 51 in Massilon, Ohio Donald Duck is a "Frequent Flier" Donald Duck charged with drunken driving MASSILLON, Ohio (UPI) -- Police in Ohio say the fifth arrest of a "frequent flier" named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges is nothing to quack at. The Massillon Police Department said Donald Norman Duck, 51, who has four previous drunken driving convictions, was arrested Saturday after allegedly bumping another car at a drive-through, WJW-TV, Cleveland, reported. Police said Duck's eyes were red and glassy and he reeked of alcohol when they arrived. Officers said a bag of marijuana fell out of the motorist's vehicle when he opened the door. "He's a frequent flier," Capt. Joe Herrick said. "He's got multiple previous DUI's, multiple previous no operator's license and operating under suspension, so he's not that good a driver." Duck was charged with felony operation of a vehicle while impaired, and misdemeanor counts of drug possession and possession of drug paraphernalia.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon RE: PowerPoint won't open from Outloook Express Dear Webby Hope your day is going smoothly so far. I have come across a challenge that maybe you can help with. When ever I get power point pics in my gmail box or Hotmail box that I want to save for luster I usually download them to Outlook Express. Ist I open them directly in the Gmail box to see if they are what I want to save. But when I try to open them later form Outlook I get a message block that says "This file does not have a program associated with if to perform this action. Create an association in the Folder options control panel". I do not know what this means nor what to do with it. I can forward it back to my gmail or Hotmail again & open it again. Just not while it's in Outlook. You have some beautiful picks you said you have gotten from power point. how are you able to save just one to send it out. I have tried but have not had any luck saving just one or two from the program. Have a purrfect day, Sharon Dear Sharon Both Microsoft PowerPoint and Outlook Express are Microsoft programs. They could, but probably won't cooperate with each other. Make yourself a !Download folder. The Exclamation Mark will ensure, that it is on top alphabetically, and easy to find. C:\!Download is best. Use the File Explorer for that. Then save those files from Gmail to that folder. Personally, I process my Gmail with Eudora, and got F:\! set as the download default since about half a dozen years before Outlook Express came out. All attachments automatically wind up in there. Every now and then, when I am on hold on the phone, I go weed out F:\! In the F:\! folder I have sub-folders named after different themes. That makes it really easy to drag them where they belong. Once you have done that bit of house-keeping and have at least one PPS in there, then in the File Explorer click on TOOLS Folder Options File Types and scoot down to the PPS Assign Open Office Impress to handle those PPS files, or Microsoft PowerPoint. Because part of PowerPoint is loaded, when you start Windows, that's why it takes so long to load, you can "wake it up" faster than starting Open Office Impress. However, if you want to harvest pictures, then Impress is definitely the better choice. Once you have assigned one of those programs to handle PPS files, you just go after them with the File Explorer and double-click them. Or, if you use Eudora, or a program like it, you simply double-click the attachment right in the email. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Fourth of July Activities Long article at http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers. One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Miss Figpot was giving a lesson to her first grade class. "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?" She asked Little Johnny jumped up and announced to the class, "VERY big hands!"

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Why not Open Office for school? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday, July 2, 2010
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. --- Kurt Herbert Alder Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain
A man started to snore in his seat at the opera. "Please stop snoring," the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others." "Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I paid for this seat and I'll do whatever I want." "Yes Sir," said the usher. "But you are keeping everybody awake."
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Thanks to Guinn for this picture: Large Version
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Bradley J. Wallen, 20 in Church Hill, Tennessee Peephole Pervert Nabbed by P'd Off Women When fellow inmates ask 20-year-old Bradley J. Wallen what he's in for, he's either going to have to lie or get beaten to death with laughter. The tale of our pathetic perv begins at the Flashbacks and Reruns thrift store in Church Hill, Tennessee... It seems someone had cut a peephole that allowed them to get a peek of the women's dressing room from the men's dressing room. We're guessing that someone was Bradley Wallen. Employees found it and patched it up. But never underestimate the determination of your low-rent degenerate. Wallen returned to the store the other day, grabbed some shirts, and repaired to the men's dressing room. He apparently knocked the patch out and resumed his voyeuristic action. Bradley J. Wallen, 20 in Church Hill, Tennessee That's when a woman dropped something in the adjoining dressing room and bent to pick it up, only to find an eye staring at her through the peephole. She emerged from the dressing room to inform fellow customers and employees. By the time Wallen emerged from his own dressing room, he was confronted by 10 very pissed off women. Wallen tried to escape through the back door, but the women blocked his way. And seeing how he's a wussy not seen since the French soccer team, he was unable to fight his way through their blockade -- or just too scared to try. He was subsequently arrested for observation without consent and photographing in violation of privacy. Yes, the creep took photos with his cell phone. But since they're both misdemeanors, he won't be charged as a sex offender.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Alice RE: Why MS Office for school? Dear Webby I just got the list of suplies and software for my daughter's next school year. It had MS Office as a requirement! Aside from that being a ridiculous expense, I don't see why kids should have to use it, when all the businesses, that they might work at, use Open Office. Is there a legitimate reason for still requiring MS Office? What is your valued opinion on that? Alice Dear Alice There is no legitimate reason for that at all. Some teachers are calcified old fossils incapable of keeping up, and some feel indebted for gifts received from software vendors, but those are not publicly defensible reasons. Luckily, Open Office CAN save files in MS format, and can even be used in MS style. If Gramma comes for a visit and doesn't want to learn the newfangled ways just for one or two letters, you can set your Open Office to act like MS Word and use MS Word stile commands and vocabulary. Kids can use that to save their homework in a format, that the old fossils can read. It is rather stupid to have kids learn one system just for school, and keep what industry and commerce uses, a secret from them. You might be able to get through to them via the local Chamber of Commerce. Have FUN! DearWebby
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Can't trust anybody any more!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Veteran's Discount At Lowe's My husband, a Viet Nam veteran, was talking to a friend about some household improvements we were making when the friend shared this very informative tip. Lowe's Home Improvement stores offer a 10% discount to veterans every day. All you need to give them is something that identifies you as a veteran. That thoughtful offer on the part of Lowe's makes us even more loyal shoppers there, and the 10% is welcomed! By Sandy from Elon, NC http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo on his view of the cause of crime: "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."

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What is ActiveX, and do I need it? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday, July 1, 2010
Happy Canada Day!
Happy 143rd Birthday, Canada!


If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. --- Kurt Lewin You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it. --- Socratex
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I suggested, "Why don't you just drive over there and check about the batteries?"
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, "We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can't listen to all of you at once. I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
Thanks to Guinn for this picture: Large Version Just washed my feathers and can't do a thing with them!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and goes to Michelle Perrino, 40, Florida Woman set office fire to go home early NEW PORT RICHEY, Fla., June 24 (UPI) -- A Florida woman accused of starting an office fire to get sent home early with pay pleaded guilty to criminal mischief. The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said Michelle Perrino, 40, drew suspicion during a meeting of Bayonet Point Oxygen employees when she mentioned the May 12, 2009, fire had started in a filing cabinet before workers had been informed of the fire's origins, the St. Petersburg Times reported Thursday. Investigators said a friend of Perrino told them she had admitted to tripping the main circuit breaker and adjusting phones to block incoming calls in bids to go home early without sacrificing the day's pay. Perrino was sentenced to 9 months imprisonment followed by 5 years of probation. She was also ordered to pay Bayonet Point Oxygen $4,800 in restitution and banned from contacting the company or its employees.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ben RE: What is ActiveX? Dear Webby What actually IS ActiveX? Some friends frown when ActiveX is mentioned and call it a security hazard. Do I actually need it? Ben Dear Ben ActiveX are re-usable components just like Java Applets. The big difference is that while Java Applets work on any and all Operating Systems and can not be used by viruses, worms and trojans, ActiveX only works on Windows, is required by Internet Explorer and Microsoft Office, and is also used by a lot of viruses, trojans and worms. Those can be written a lot more compact since they just call the ActiveX components already on any Windows computer. If you use Open Office and FireFox or Opera, then you probably won't need ActiveX and can disable it. If you use Linux or Mac, then you won't need ActiveX at all. Have FUN! DearWebby
After a long, bumpy flight, the passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the attendants checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, one found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." Quickly, she brought the bag to the gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keeping Track of Photos When Traveling My daughter's hobby is photography. On a recent vacation out west, she used the following tip to keep track of her photos. As we entered a new state, she would do one of the following: Take a picture of the "Welcome to" state sign. Take a picture of the road map for that state. Or use sign language to indicate the initial of the state and take a picture of her hand. For example, she would make a signed "M" when we entered Montana and take a picture of that. Then she would know what state the next photos belonged in for her album. By skeesics56 from NW Ohio http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Once she gets a digital camera, the pictures have the date and time attached to the file info. That part is easy and no problem. Even putting them onto the net is no problem. I just made the pages for 1086 that a client uploaded from her recent trip to Europe. The problem is comments and names! Try to get your daughter into the habit of commenting each picture and mentioning the names of the people or sights in the pictures. Ann is the lady on the left in picture #1. Unfortunately, she never acquired the habit of recording comments and names. When you look at pictures years later, it is the comments and names, that bring them alive! Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Customer: I just registered my domain name with you guys. Someone in our office told me it was only good in your state. BUZZY: No, ma'am. A domain name is good in all states and in all countries. Customer: So, it is good in all 52 states? BUZZY: Yes, all states and all countries of the earth. Customer: Alabama too ? BUZZY: Do you mean the Alabama on Earth or the other one ?
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups.
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A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers, that your wife will give you for free: "You are CRAZY!"

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