Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 25/06 

Good Morning !
Friday,  Aug 25, 2006
======================================

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-- Dr. Seuss

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid
eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"Plese tell me, do I come here often?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
 us.army.mil
  and
 Yahoo.com
  for censoring the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Martin for this story:
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the \
"seniors's special"     was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned
her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife
asked incredulously.
"YES!!"
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Mardin Azad Amin, 29 in Chicago

Brainless Bomber

August 23, 2006
Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze when
security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious looking
object in his luggage.

So, Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He
told security the object was a bomb, Cook County
prosecutors say.

The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said
to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke,
prosecutors say.

In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the
black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component
for a penis pump.

All the same, Amin was charged with felony disorderly
conduct and faces up to three years in prison if convicted,
said Andrew Conklin, a spokesman with the Cook County
state attorney's office. Amin is due in court today for a
preliminary hearing, Conklin said.

Amin eventually told investigators he'd lied about the
object's true use because his mother was standing nearby
when the object was discovered and he didn't want her to
know about it, Cook County Assistant State's Attorney
Lorraine Scaduto said during a bond hearing last week.

The incident occurred Aug. 16 as Amin was set to catch a
flight to Turkey, Scaduto said.

Amin has no known criminal history, Scaduto said.

===========================================

Thanks to my dad for sending in these pictures:


Ferocactus-hamanthacanthus. This one bloomed today.
It is now 30 years old and 25 cm (10") diameter.

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bonnie
Re: Diskeeper Manual

Hi Webby,

Love your newsletters!  I am interested in the Diskeeper,
and opened the online manual to become familiar with it
before using the trialware or purchase. It sounds like a
very efficient defragmenter however very complicated
to get it to work properly.

You made it sound so simple.  The manual for the home
edition is 75 pages long and sounds very complicated.
If it is Set It and Forget It - why 75 pages of instructions.
Would it be possible to place in your newsletter,
abbreviated or simplified overview, set up, or something
regarding the product.

Thanks, and keeping up the good work!
An avid reader,
Bonnie

Dear Bonnie
I didn't even know they had a manual!
Never needed one.
All I ever do is download it whenever we get a new machine,
(or my secretary does), and elbow the Enter key a bunch of
times to accept the defaults.

I have been sorta vaguely aware that there probably are
various options for complicating life, but have never been
bored enough to waste time on them.

The defaults are set so that it takes care of everything
with a minimum of fuss, and it does it in the background
whenever the screen saver comes on. That suits me fine.

I doubt very much that your machine is so exceptional, that
you will need to study the manual to cope with those exceptions.
Just elbow it in and let it run.

By the way, you don't have to buy a fresh registration to
move Diskeeper to a new machine, just when you add
another machine to the office or home, and want individual
home versions on each.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet.
Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him
sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a good Christian home,
but, but, but I want to stay with you guys!"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Di Ann had been divorced for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Tony, the
gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Tony picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot.

Tony also had been divorced for a long time and found
himself very attracted to Di Ann, and despite her resistance
to his advances at first, he finally was able to make love
to her.

Later, Di Ann was mortified at her lack of self control
and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter,
knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Tony said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Di Ann looked at Tony and said, "...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 14, 2006 - Portage, Indiana - IBS

Porter Superior Judge Julia Jent is sentencing the ticketed
teens to the embarrassment of riding the school bus, if
they are found guilty in her courtroom.

Jent got the idea after a girl in her court for a moving
traffic violation appeared not to take seriously either
the offense or the possible fine.

The judge, who has teenage grandchildren, said she knew
she had reached the teen when she ordered her to park her
car and ride the school bus and the girl started crying
outside her courtroom. With that, she figured she found
the right punishment.

Teens not complying will be fined and have their licenses
suspended.

Jent also warns parents they could be held in contempt of
court if they drive their child to school.

Jent said making teenagers ride the bus also makes them
take their driving violations seriously.

Jent sent a memo to every law enforcement agency in her
jurisdiction, telling them that all moving traffic citations
involving drivers age 16 to 18 must be seen by her. She
doesn't want their parents to pay a fine or have teens pay
the fine and not tell mom and dad.

If the teens violate the order to ride the bus, their driver's
license will be suspended, and a fine must be paid. If they
follow the order, the matter is dismissed.

Of the dozen or so teens who were given the school-bus
orders so far, one was ordered to nine weeks of school-bus
riding. Another had total driving restrictions for an entire
semester, according to the North West Indiana Times.

"Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her
mother the death penalty," Jent told the paper.

The punishment is legal. The state statute allows a judge
to place any violator on probationary conditions, including
license suspensions.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Record Driving Directions
I use my car's cassette player to "read" directions for me.
I make the tape ahead of time, and start and stop it as
needed along the way. This is especially good if
someone has given you directions to their home, etc. - Pat
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog" target="_blank" >http://www.myfrugallife.com">Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"It's a cussing machine," the second boy answered.
"Every time she stands on it she gets really mad and starts
cussing at me or dad."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at
Russellville Christian Church,
1681 Highway 35,
St. Stephen, South Carolina

Sat. Aug. 26  at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at
St. Patrick's Catholic Church,
1031 Main St.,
Onalaska, Wisconsin.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Leroy was visiting a friend in the hospital.
He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on
an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to
him with a snarl, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.'

"Leroy said, " Lady, I'm not smoking."

"But you have a cigar in your mouth!", the woman said.

"'Lady",  Leroy answered, "I'm wearing Jockey shorts,
too, but I don't ride horses indoors either."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Lady Beetles
http://tinyurl.com/5ljeh
http://www.nysaes.cornell.edu/ent/bioco ... intro.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 24/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 24, 2006
======================================

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
-- Dan Quayle

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims
since then.

===========================================

Thanks to David for this story:
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send
a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete
fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar
situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written
then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details,
the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly.
"We won't even need to change the name."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Ulysse Maillet and the Montreal Gazzette

Who's the bigger Bonehead ?
Gazette Goof or Whining Weenie ?

August 22, 2006 - Montreal - Canadian Press

What are the odds of believing you've won the Lotto
6-49 jackpot for a few hours and then realizing your
numbers were wrong?

Ulysse Maillet thought he'd won a share of the
$42-million prize on Aug. 12 after he checked the list of
winning lottery numbers the next day in the Montreal Gazette.

But it turns out the numbers were a repeat of the winning
numbers from the 6-49 draw three days earlier. There was
no disclaimer at the bottom of the page telling readers to
officially check their numbers with the lottery.

Maillet was back at work on Monday after taking a week off
to deal with the shock of realizing he was not $10 million
richer.

"That's what I really had won as far as I was concerned for
four or five hours," Maillet said in an interview. "Everybody
was saying what are the chances of something like this
happening."

Now Maillet is seeking "a fair settlement" from the
newspaper for the "devastation" he says he suffered.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for sending in this picture:



===========================================


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Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Leesa
Re: PPS

Dear Webby
I see someone else has questions about PPS files today,
so thought I'd ask you about this one.  I love these pictures,
and would like to use them as my desktop wall paper......
one at a time, of course.  How can I save them individually
into my wallpaper folder?  Obviously, I can't right click
'cause the save option isn't there.

Appreciate your help, again.

Have a wonderful day.

Leesa

Dear Leesa
You need a graphics program like for example PSP
(PaintShopPro) for that.
Open that, then open the PPS slide show. When you
get to a picture that you want, hit the PrintScreen key.
That prints the picture into the clipboard.

Then use ALT ESC to jump to PSP, hit CTRL V to paste
the clipboard as a new picture. Save the picture and zoom
the view down to thumbnail size. (Just the view, not the
picture size.)

ALT ESC back to the PPS slide show, proceed until you get
to the next picture that you want, and repeat the procedure.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
no product of your own and no service  required! Take
a look now and find out how you can start taking home
the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?"

"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis..

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business
much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge
sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his
right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,
reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:

MAIN ENTRANCE.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 22, 2006 - Isabela, Puerto Rico - AP

The world's oldest person celebrated his 115th birthday
Monday, offering advice on healthy living at a party where
he was serenaded by a well-known Puerto Rican singer.

Emiliano Mercado del Toro, who was a boy when the
United States seized Puerto Rico from Spain in 1898,
attributed his long life to a healthy diet and avoiding alcohol.

"I never damaged my body with liquor," said Mercado, who
quit a 76-year smoking habit when he was 90.

Mercado was declared the world's oldest person by the
Guinness Book of Records last year.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Carry Extra Zip-Lock Bags When Traveling
When you travel, throw in a few extra zip-lock bags.
They are great for wet swimsuits, a half-full bottle of
shampoo, some animal crackers for the car, or even to
fill with ice at the motel to use in the cooler while you
drive. - Kate
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

I also use them for e-tickets, maps, map-quest print-outs,
and rental car paperwork. When hiking, I use them for
keeping the camera dry in sudden rain squalls, and quite
often I have filled them with berries or mushrooms I found
on route.
DearWebby

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Keli was having trouble with her computer. So she called
Paul, the computer guy, over to her desk. Paul clicked a
couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking
away, Keli called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And Paul replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Keli's face.
"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix
it again??"

Paul gave her a grin...
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Keli.

"Write it down," Paul said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:

The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to
top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was
hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around
the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your
breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her
uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything
back when they're through using it!"

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Panoramas
http://snipurl.com/vdiv
http://www.trekearth.com/photos.php?filter=panoramas

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby



[ view entry ] ( 992 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 450 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 23/06 

Good Morning!
Wednesday,  Aug 23, 2006
======================================

 "Ability is what you're capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it."
-- Lou Holtz

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Kids in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause kids.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims
since then.

===========================================

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided
to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the
entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have
a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the
gynecologist and see if the problem was with her.

She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The
doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will
be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband
got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT

Backdrop more interesting than the news

August 22, 2006 - Sweden - The Scotsman
Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT, faced ridicule yesterday
after mistakenly showing a pornographic film in the
background of a news broadcast.

Viewers watching a five-minute bulletin at midnight on
Saturday could see explicit scenes from a Czech blue
movie on a TV screen behind the newsreader, Peter Dahlgren.

The monitor - one of many on the wall of a control room
visible behind the studio - normally shows other news
channels during broadcasts.

But staff who had earlier watched a sports event on the
cable channel Canal Plus, which often shows X-rated films
after midnight, had forgotten to switch it back, Per Yng,
SVT's news director, said.

"This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," he said.
"It must not happen again."

A producer quickly spotted the sex scenes and ran into the
control room and turned off the monitor, Mr Yng said.

He said there had been no complaints from viewers about
the mishap, but "enormous interest from media".
Swedish newspapers yesterday poked fun at the program,
changing its name from Rapport to "Rapporn".

===========================================



===========================================


Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: PPS

Dear Webby
...'sme again.  Is there some way to forward something to
a person that is still using Windows 98 when I'm on XP?
I have sent a PPS file to my friend but he cannot open it.
I think because he is still using 98.  Do I have to save
the data to my computer and then send each thing one at
a time?  I am forwarding the email to you separately
because it is so incredible and I think you will appreciate
it.  Thanks for you help.
Hugs   Ann

Dear Ann
Windows 98 has nothing to do with that.
All he needs is the normal pps PowerPoint viewer.
He can get it free from Microsoft.

The easiest way to get it is to go to
http://webby.com/pps

That forwards to the mile long link at Microsoft.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

Whoops!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of thef parachuting
enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please
make the following correction: on page 8, line 7,
the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a
battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We
obviously meant that the talk was given by a
bottle-scarred hero.

Miss Rumson has been appointed supervisor of
Work Area Six, not (as stated in our last issue)
Work Area Sex

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

The maiden aunt is visiting her family for the holidays.
One night, the talk around the dinner table turns to what
the older people did when they were young.

The aunt interrupts and says, "I don't want to talk about my
girlhood."

"Why, auntie?" one of her nephews asks. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," says the older woman. "That's why I don't want
to talk about it."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 22, 2006 - Spiceland, Indiana - AP
A postcard that a mother mailed to her son in 1948 was
finally delivered to the recipient - but only after the town's
postmaster bought it on eBay.

Spiceland Postmaster Judy Dishman, who is away from her
office on leave, bought the postcard because it featured a
country view of the Spiceland area, about 65 kilometres
east of Indianapolis. Dishman noticed the postcard was
addressed to 82-year-old Charles "Rocky" Rose of Spiceland,
so she delivered it.

The card was from Rose's late mother, Dollie Rose. The
mother and son used penny postcards to exchange news
during the 1940s, while the son was working in Lima, Ohio,
and the mother was in Spiceland, about 160 kilometres west.

Part of the address is crossed out, and Rose isn't sure why
the postcard was never mailed or where it has been for the
last 58 years. The postcard reads in part,
"Hi Buddy. How's my boy? Fine I hope."

To Rocky Rose, the words are priceless.
"I wouldn't sell it for nothing on earth," he said.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baby Powder for Sand
Carry baby powder with you to the sandbox or beach.
After the children get off the of sand, sprinkle them with
the baby powder. It dries up the sand and causes it to
fall right off! No more tracking sand in the house or car!
- Amy
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know
what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have
committed, but didn't?"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday
and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her
mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when
they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Oshkosh Trip
http://silvairehair2.home.comcast.net/072806/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN 

Dear Webby




[ view entry ] ( 980 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 541 )
Humor Letter 8/22/06 NotifyAlert 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 22, 2006
======================================

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
-- Ralph W. Sockman

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
-- Leo Rosten

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for this story:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!",
she screamed, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!"

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd Saturday's, Sunday's and Monday's
mail for most of their victims.

===========================================

The farmer took pity on a young passerby and
agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment
was to paint the barn, which he did, including the
tail of the donkey that poked through knot hole
in the barn. The farmer was furious, but promised
to give the boy another chance.

This time he told him to string barb wire around
the farm land, which he did, but when the rooster
wouldn't stay out of the way he nailed him by
accident to the fence post. The farmer this time
was more furious that the last time, but again
promised to give the boy one last chance.

This time he told him to mow the yard, which he
did, but the grass was so high he didn't see
the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the
poor kitty over, hurting him badly.

The farmer got so furious this time he called
the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked
the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested.

"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he
painted my ass red, Next he nailed my cock to
the fence and finally, he ran over my wife's
pussy with a lawn mower!"

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Leli, 18 of Suffolk County, NY

Expensive ticket!

August 20, 2006 - New York - AP
A Suffolk County teenager loved the Mets so much that
authorities say he posed as a reporter to get into Shea
Stadium and talk with players.

Police arrested the 18-year-old Leli Friday night at Shea
just before the start of the New York Mets-Colorado Rockies
game and charged him with impersonating a journalist,
the Queens District Attorney announced Saturday.

Prosecutors say Leli told New York Mets management
that he worked for NBC Universal and showed a fake NBC
employee identification card so he could get press
credentials.

Leli first used the press pass to attend an Aug. 10 game
between the Mets and the San Diego Padres. Authorities
said Leli used the pass to approach and chat with players
including Mike Piazza before and after that game.

Leli used the fake NBC identification again Friday to get
another press pass for the Mets-Rockies game.

Mets management apparently became suspicious and
contacted authorities.

Leli was also charged with criminal possession of a forged
instrument, falsifying business records, larceny, criminal
possession of stolen property, criminal impersonation
and criminal trespass.

He was arraigned Saturday in Queens Criminal Court
and released on his own recognizance.

Leli was scheduled to return to court on Sept. 27. He faces
up to seven years in prison.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this picture of the Dolomites


===========================================


Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Debi
Re: NotifyAlert.exe

I enjoy your newsletter every day!  Today I have a computer
question that has been bugging my computer for some time.
I continually get a “Notifyalert.exe.common language
runtime debugging service”  Application has generated an
exception that could not be handled.  Processid=Oxd8(3288),
thread id= Oxda8 (3496),  Click ok to terminate application.
Or, click cancel to debug the application.  No matter what
I do, I can not get rid of this.  I have done all the normal stuff
to get rid of this, any suggestions would be greatly
appreciated.  Thanks again for your great humor each and
every day!
Debi

Dear Debi
The NotifyAlert.exe is something DELL puts onto their
computer, so that they can pop a message whenever they
have something new to sell you. Even though you paid cash
for your computer, they treat you as if you have an ad
supported freebie.

On newer computers that come with XP-SP2 pre-installed,
you can usually turn that off through the
“Quick Links \ Settings”  option in Dell Support
(“Start \ Programs \ Dell Applications \ Support \ Support”).

If the NotifyAlert.exe is from before XP-SP2, then you
usually will have a problem sooner or later, if you have
not turned that off before the SP-2 upgrade or whatever
security patch conflicts with it.

Personally, I can't blame Windows for for getting
suspicious and uncooperative when some uninvited ads
come barging in. The users demanded protection from
that sort of stuff, and Windows obligingly provides it.

If you can't turn the NotifyAlert off, just go into
Control Panel
Add/Remove Programs
and dump DELL Support.
Your machine probably is out of warranty anyway,
but according to all the forums, DELL can't help you
with that problem anyway.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

My friend Chad, the author of "No-Bull Gunfighting" has a
birthday today. So I'll give him a plug for his famous
TAG: Tactical Achievement of Goals
Unleash The Warrior Within You

You can order that special report at
http://tinyurl.com/f82ce

Happy Birthday, Chad!

==========================================

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with
breeding to make a perfect turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but
there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general
store.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch him!"

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Thanks to Lisa for this story:
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines.  It was my
first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines
operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee.
"How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin
button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"Usually at the ATM machine down there....."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Janesville, Wisconsin - AP
Not even triple-bypass surgery has kept Rita Roherty from
the shotgun shooting that has been her life's passion.
The 82-year-old great-grandmother underwent surgery
last year, and then recovered to win a bronze medal in
the women's shooting division of the Badger State Games
in June.

She hit 91 of 100 clay pigeons to take third place in the
competition, three years after winning the gold.

''When a gun fits you, it don't kick,'' she said of her pet
Browning Lightning 12-gauge over-under shotgun.

Roherty, born Rita McAuliffe in 1923, had 14 children in
28 years of marriage before her husband, Donald Glynn,
died.

Then she met George Roherty, who took her trap shooting
on the couple's first date in 1973.
''It was a very good couples thing to do,'' she said.

She says she shoots because she likes competing. When
she won her gold medal in shooting, she hit enough clay
pigeons to tie a woman half her age, then won in a
shoot-off by hitting all 10 pigeons, she recalled.

She said she intends to keep shooting as long as she can
still hold the gun, and she'll take on men as well as women.
But be forewarned: Roherty admits she sometimes can't
resist asking competitors, ''You let an old lady beat you?''

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tablecloths for Fabric
If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at
garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain
or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use
for other projects. Tablecloths come in a variety of
thicknesses, sizes and patterns so you can find fabric
for a variety of projects.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A Texan is bragging to his cousin in Montana. "On mah fahrm
in Taxas," he drawls, "I can git on mah tractor, ride all
daiy long, and still be on mah fahrm by nightfohl."

"Yeah", replies his cousin, "I know what you mean. I once
used to have a John Deere tractor like that too."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thanks to Mona for this story:
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching
post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently
"trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched,
my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he
wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

========================================

Thanks to Kim for this Bonus Link:
Battle of the frogs
http://ctamp.homestead.com/ThreadCityXingFrogs.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby




[ view entry ] ( 266 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 534 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 21 / 06 

Good Morning !
Monday,  Aug 21, 2006

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
categories - those that don't work, those that break down and
those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

"Oh Doctor, My husband thinks he is a chicken."
"Oh no - how long has this been going on?"
"About a year!"
"A year! Why did you wait so long to come see me?"
"Well, we needed the eggs."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd Saturday's and Sunday's mail for most of their victims.

===========================================

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was
asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly
skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave
home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Detlef Federsohn, 23, in Vienna, Austria

Not ready for real life

August 18, 2006 - Vienna, Austria - Ananova
A young Austrian convict missed prison so much after his
release that he tried to break back in.

Detlef Federsohn, 23, was released from the Josefstadt
prison in the Austrian capital Vienna after serving two years
for theft.

But he was arrested last week when police were called out
to a suspected prison break after he was spotted on the
roof of the jail.

Federsohn said: "Life is so much easier on the inside. They
feed you, do your washing and let you watch TV, which I can
tell you is a lot more than my mum does. So I thought if I could
sneak back in I would blend in with the others and the screws
wouldn't notice."

===========================================

Thanks to Ross, who likes his salad VERY fresh, for this
picture:


===========================================


Get Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Tuck
Re: Get rid of Windows log-on prompt

 Dear Webby:

  You have a great newsletter it is the first one I read every day
keep up the good work.
I seem to have run into a bit of a problem and am not quiet
sure how to resolve it.
When I turn on my computer it normally boots up to the Desktop
and you can proceed from there what you want to do.
Now when I turn on my computer it boots up to the shutdown screen
and asks to turn off my computer or to log on as Tuck and you can
change your log on preferences after the computer boots up.
Hasn't been doing this.
Have tried error checking, disk defragment, run all my maintenance
tools.
Spybot Found a few nasties. but that didn't help either, removed them.
Booted up in safe mood and selected normal start up, nothing seems
to work.
How do I get it changed back to the way it normally is supposed to
boot up?
I am at a loss as to why it is booting up differently, any help you can
give me will be greatly appreciated never had this to happen before.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Thanks
Tuck

Dear Tuck
Try the solution shown here:
http://snipurl.com/v94v

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington.
The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And
another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. IF you
are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121."

Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the
matter? You look as though you don't understand."

"Oh, nohtin , Senor," the new page said. "I jus donnow how to
dial ta capital four!"

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Thanks to Connie for this:
My mother-in-law says that she can not understand how the lackluster, low
mentality, loser that her daughter had the misfortune to marry could have
produced such smart, intelligent, beautiful, and wonderful grandchildren.
She is inclined to believe that genetics skips every other generation.
Therefore she is not holding out much hope for her great-grandchildren.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 18, 2006 - Wichita, Kansas - IBS

A perfect score on the American College Testing exam (ACT)
is rare enough.

The same goes for perfection on the SAT Reasoning Test.

But acing both? That's what a high school senior in Wichita
has accomplished -- 17-year-old Jakub Voboril of Bishop
Carroll High School said he scored a perfect 36 on the ACT
and a 2,400 on the SAT in the same week in June.

"It wasn't so much a feeling of, 'Wow, I'm shocked,' because
I went in thinking I could do this," Jakub told The Wichita Eagle.
"So it's just a good feeling. I'm really happy."

His perfect score on the ACT test is one of only two in
Kansas. It came after he scored 32 and 34 on his first two
tries. Jakub learned of his perfect SAT score soon after
hearing about his other ace.

=============================================

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.
Outlook Depressed patch

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Leftover Cereal for Casseroles
Use leftover or stale cereal as a casserole topper. Just
crumble it up and use in place of or in addition to crackers.
Not all types of cereal work well for this. For example,
Fruit Loops (or other sweetened cereal) probably wouldn't
work well as a casserole topper, but cheerios and corn
flakes can taste fantastic.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pssed in his ear and it didn't move," said the
child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'pssst' and he didn't move."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at
Huber Heights Funeral Home,
5844 Old Troy Pike,
Huber Heights, Ohio

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

From Chuck W

Dear Webby,
my dear friend Sheila sent me the attached email. I laughed
my butt off. thought you might like to print it.
Have her permission in the attachments.

Speaking of Jackie, his two sons, Aaron and Ty, spent the
night with me last week.  Aaron always writes me a story
when here, and Ty-Ty likes for me to scan and print cartoon
pages he can color.  I always give them folders to put their
work in.

When they got home, Marijane was unpacking their bag and
said she nearly fainted.  Ty-Ty had two folders -- one was
clearly marked "fineshit" and the other "unfineshit."

She said she called him in and shrieked, "What is this --
what IS this!?"

Ty-Ty looked at her, clearly puzzled.  "That one," he said,
pointing to the first one, is "finished,"
and that one is "unfinished."

Don't you just love grandkids?

Sure...send away...if I had collected all the funny Ty-Ty things
over his 8 years, I would have a wonderful book.  He's the
one I told you about that I couldn't find one day...I ran into the
back yard and saw him at the top of a tree.  I started running
in circles, screaming for him to come down, to be careful. etc.,
in a state of hysteria.

He called down reassuringly -- "Don't worry Nanny -
I'm a CONfessional tree climber...."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Freight Train Graffiti
http://www.misterw.com/Freights01.html
and
http://www.graffiti.org/faq/ftg/freight ... ffiti.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby



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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 19/06 


Good Morning,  Text-Start !
Saturday,  Aug 19, 2006
======================================


All human beings should try to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber


Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to
an understanding of ourselves.
-- Carl Jung


======================================
Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had
pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about
fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and
disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.


"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.


The other camper laughed and retorted, "Those black snakes
aren't deadly."


"Listen," groaned Jed,  "If he can make you jump off a
fifty-foot cliff, he is!!!!"


===========================================


 A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
 Censorship at us.army.mil
 for being overprotective of the fighting
 forces and censoring the Humor Letter.


===========================================


A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says,
"If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody
else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll
take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever
shoots it."


The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he
hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He
rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a
cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright
- you can have your freaking deer!  Just lemme get
my saddle off it....!"


===========================================


Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to 3 poor sports in Danielsville, Georgia

Wrong place to fish!

August 17, 2006 - Danielsville, Georgia - AP
Fishing in someone else's well-stocked fish pond without
permission isn't a good idea -- especially if that pond
belongs to the sheriff.


Three men spent the better part of four days in the Madison
County, Ga., jail after being charged with fishing in a pond
without the owner's permission. The pond is owned by
Madison County Sheriff Clayton Lowe.


A state conservation ranger Saturday arrested Brian Keith
Wallace, 35, Michael Shannon Fricks, 32, and Christopher
Carldon Wallace, 37, on the misdemeanor charge. Lowe
said they were released Tuesday after paying a fine.


Lowe said he stocked the pond with about $1,200 worth of
catfish and bream last spring to give disabled children a
fun day outside fishing. But sometime before the fishing
day, someone drove a four-wheel all-terrain vehicle under
a cable stretched across the road leading to the pond and
began catching the fish.


The sheriff paid $360 to restock the pond before the
children's fishing day.
"It all worked out. They caught plenty of fish," he said.


===========================================


Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:





===========================================



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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erika
Re: Laptop and air travel

Dear Webby,
Considering the new restrictions, what do you recommend
re laptops, especially if they have to go into the checked
luggage?
Erika

Dear Erika
Take out the hard drive and put it into your purse or wallet.
You can even get padded drive wallets made for USB drives.
Laptop drives are small enough that you can easily jam them
into even a very tight camera case.


All you need to take it out and put it back in is a small Phillips
screwdriver. The type that looks like a short pencil and goes
on a key ring is ideal, but a key, with the edges at the tip
sharpened a bit, works fine too.


The rest of the laptop is replaceable.


Don't get one of thoe fancy show-off Zero-Halliburton padded
metal cases! Their locks are not TSA approved and your laptop
may stay behind while you travel. A fancy case will just tempt
somebody to rip it off.


When I travel, I take along a piece of 5mm (3/16") Lexan,
precision cut with rounded corners to just fit into my big
carry-on. Well, it used to be my carry-on, now it gets
checked in. Hotels usually have low chairs and high tables
unsuitable for laptops. So I jam that Lexan into a slightly
opened dresser or night-stand drawer, and have a perfect
laptop table.


It also protects the contents of the carry-on.


When you pack, keep in mind that when the baggage handlers
slam the luggage onto the conveyor, they do it with the top
down and wheels UP. With the top protected by the Lexan
(or plexiglass) and the bottom by the wheel and handle
framework, and the laptop somewhere in the middle,
cushioned by clothes, it's quite safe.


If you do have one of those fancy cases with stiff, high
density black foam inside, rip that foam out and throw it
away. At impact speed from dropping it, it's as hard as oak,
and can wreck your laptop. Keep in mind that a laptop has
almost 200 square inches of surface on each side. Will the
foam compress if you stand on the laptop? The black high-
density foam won't. Just use tee shirts, a blanket or any
soft clothing instead, or the softest foam you can find.

Those fancy hard shell laptop cases are fine for bus and
subway, but in my opinion not suitable for today's air
travel.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


==========================================


 A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says
to his  friend, "I'm a walking economy."


 His friend replies, "How's that?"


 "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach
is a  victim of inflation, and the combination of these
factors is putting  me into a depression."


==========================================

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==========================================


 There was a university in New England where the students operated
 a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were
 papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished
 student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for
 an A grade, B grade, and C grade.


 One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular
 pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he
 took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed
 the work in.


 In due course he received it back with the professor's comments.


 "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was
 worth an A, and now I'm pleased to give it one!"


===========================================


Deeli's Kudos
August 16, 2006 - New Orleans - AP
 U.S. Rep. Bobby Jindal, of Louisiana, used to dream of
becoming a doctor. Tuesday, he got a chance to act like one.
Jindal barely had time to call 911 after his wife woke up
with labor pains. A few minutes later, he helped deliver
his own son.


Slade Ryan Jindal arrived before the ambulance did, at
about 3:25 a.m.


Jindal, who was coached over the phone by a nurse, put the
baby in his wife's arms and tied off the umbilical cord with
a shoestring.


The couple's two other children slept through the birth,
according to a Jindal spokesman.


The child is the couple's third and was born two days before
his due date, but weighed in at a healthy 8 pounds, 2 ounces.


Mother and baby are resting comfortably at a Louisiana hospital.

=============================================

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.
Outlook Depressed patch


=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Refinancing - Points Vs. No Points
When refinancing a home mortgage you will get a lower interest
rate if you agree to pay 1 or 2 "points".   The loan manager may
offer you "6.75% with no points" or "6.25% with 2 points".  2
points means that you will have to pay 2% of the total amount of
the mortgage to the lender in addition to any closing costs.  On
a $200,000 loan, that's $4,000.  Even with the lower interest
rate, It can take 5 to 10 years to cover that additional
expense.  So if you aren't going to be in a house long term,
it's better pass on the points.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================


A man was sued by a woman for defamation
of character.  She charged that he had called
her a pig.  The man was found guilty and fined.


After the trial he asked the judge, "This means
that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"  The
judge said that was true.


"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs.
Johnson?" the man asked.  The judge replied
that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson
with no fear of legal action.


The man then proceeded to look directly at
Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."


========================================


Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts


The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.

Saturday, August 19 at 7:15 a.m., Killeen, TX.
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kenneth A. Jenkins at
Crawford- Bowers Funeral Home,
1615 S. Fort Hood St.,
Killeen, TX.

Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at
Huber Heights Funeral Home,
5844 Old Troy Pike,
Huber Heights, Ohio

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon



I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.


DearWebby

========================================

To find a bugler for military funerals,
browse to
http://www.buglesacrossamerica.org/volunteer.php


========================================

From Wade


Friday, August 18 at 10:45 a.m. Seattle, Wash.
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Tracy L. Melvin
at Yarrington White Center Funeral Home,
10708 16th Ave. SW,
Seattle, Wash.


My family and I are on vacation when we got word of this
funeral, we were in the Seattle area so we purchased flags
and joined with the Patriot Guard for the morning to honor
this soldier. I am happy to report that no perverts ventured
this far north, and it was a respectful service.
Wade


========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Worldwide Disaster Alert Map
http://snipurl.com/v62s

========================================


Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!


Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, Text-Start, that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby







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