Der Webby: Monitor Interference 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 31, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!

Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts. --- Edward R. Murrow,
ACTUAL CAR ACCIDENT STATEMENTS Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light. Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash. Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
Resume Bloopers These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine: 1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6) Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8) You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10) I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12) Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16) I have six kids but other than that I am often quite rational.

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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to town council in Lodz, Poland Dctatorship August 9, 2007 - Lodz, Poland - Ananova A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back garden. But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a change in the law meant local council officials could use private land for road building without consent and without paying compensation. A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still get to the back of her garden quite easily." He said the road was expanded to improve access to a new computer factory and that the law change in December meant that they did not need permission. He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2453611.html?menu=


Thanks to Lisa for this story: For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsa Re: Monitor interference Dear Webby, While we are renovating, we are using a door laying flat on four short file cabinets as a desk. I sit on the handle side and my hubby sits on the hinge side. The monitors sit side by side in the middle, one facing east, one facing west. Net solution, right? NOT! When both monitors are on, they flicker like crazy and the colors are weird. Obviouly they are interfering with each other. Moving them apart makes the seating awkward and is not a solution. So, what IS the solution? Elsa Dear Elsa Take the side cover off one of the computers and stick it between the two monitors. The side covers are made from cheap sheet metal that blocks magnetic radiation. Don't use stainless steel or aluminum, it HAS to be cheap iron sheet metal. Have FUN! DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com
Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Portland, Maine - Gimundo At the hospital, relatives crowd around to see the newborn baby, Stephen John Sutherland II. Everyone agrees: He has his father's smile. Sadly, the infant's father will never have the chance to meet him. The first Stephen John Sutherland, a soldier, died more than a year ago in battle in Iraq. However, before Sutherland left the U.S., he froze some of his sperm to make sure that, even if he did not return safely from the war zone, a part of him would remain in the world. "I think that Stephen had, I don't know, a sixth sense telling him he needed to do this because he didn't think he was coming back, " Steven's wife, Maria, told WCHS6 News in Portland, Maine. Shortly after learning of her husband's death, Maria was impregnated with Stephen's sperm. Despite her tragic loss, she knew there was hope for the future – thanks to Stephen's remarkable foresight, she could honor his memory by raising their child. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... _His_Death

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ice Cube Tray for Earrings I bought 4 plastic ice cube trays. In each of the cube spaces I put a single pair of earrings. They stack easily and you can see 12 at once and find the pair you are looking for in a jiffy. This takes up very little room on my bathroom shelf also. By Connie Why not use a compact fold-out fly-fishing 96 compartment tacklebox? When the hinged lid is opened, all the drawers get moved out to display all of them for a quick overview. Many models can even be locked, and all of them have a safety latch so that it doesn't accidentally open while traveling through rough bush. When going on vacation, you can just take your little tackle box. After all, they ARE lures '-) DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. So I'll throw in a dog story of my own. On the last August weekend a few years ago I invited a lady friend to come along on a canoe trip up the McClintock River. As you can probably imagine, my canoe was slightly modified and improved. Instead of the silly high slat seats, I had put in low bucket seats, and because steering a canoe from the rear is not only hard on your back, but you don't see rocks or submerged trees until you hit them, I had put a steering wheel and motor controls up front. Even though the motor was raised up high so that the prop was just barely under water, thanks to the low bucket seats the canoe was not tippy at all, as long as everybody was sitting down. We were quitely cruising up the river, enjoying the senery and occasional wildlife on the shores. Because the bears were still out and about, I had two of my sled dogs with me. They knew that whatever was on the shore, was taboo and not to be chased. Then suddenly a beaver surfaced, saw us, slapped the water with his tail like a gunshot, and dove away. Naturally the dogs instantly went after it. Sled dogs are not light weight dogs, and when the two of them simultaneously pushed off with full force from the left gunnel, the canoe flipped quite instantly and we were sitting in the icy water. The water was only about waist deep there and it was no big deal uprighting the canoe and pushing it to the shore. The Yamaha outboard had stopped instantly when it hit the water, but had suffered no damage. I turned the prop a few times to pump the water out, then gave it a pull and it started as if nothing had happened. While the lady hung our clothes over bushes to dry, I motored on down the river to retrieve the coolers, which had gracefully drifted out of sight around the bend in the river. When I caught them, I decided to just tow them rather than risk tipping the canoe again by lifting them over the side. Must have been a hilarious sight with me sitting in the canoe bare naked, holding on to a cooler on each side, steering with my left knee and controlling the throttle with my right foot. Neither the food cooler nor the one with the camping gear and clothes had taken on any water, so we decided to camp right there and wait for the clothes to dry. The dogs had given up on the beaver and had chased and/or eaten anything that moved for a mile around, and went to sleep before we finished eating. As usual, they laid down right in front of the tent, not so much to guard against chaseable "killer" squirrels, but to make sure that they got triped over and petted whenever somebody entered or left the tent. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit giving me free nickles!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crystal Cave
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Too many search engines 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 30, 2007

He who excuses himself accuses himself. --- Gabriel Meurier Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk. -- Diane Frolov
Thanks to Ross for this story: Tom was in his early 50’s retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Everyday, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you. I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it." "Well, good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, General."
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

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Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine. She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. "Is there anything he needs ?" the distraught woman asked, between tears. The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he'd love a package of cigarettes." "I'll send a carton immediately." the woman said joyfully. "But did he say where I should send them ?" "No." replied the Seer somberly. "But he didn't ask for matches." Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the garden wall and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house!"
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Belfast, Ireland Vigilante Justice, Belfast-style, for drug dealer ALAN ERWIN STREET vigilantes tarred and feathered an alleged drug dealer because police refused to take action against him, it was claimed yesterday. The victim, in his thirties, was subjected to the humiliating punishment in a loyalist stronghold in south Belfast. But despite the heavy influence of Ulster Defence Association men within the Taughmonagh estate, the paramilitary organisation's advisers insisted they were not involved. Frankie Gallagher, of the Ulster Political Research Group (UPRG), claimed: "The UDA told the local community to go to the police about this. "The community responded in the way it did because it had no confidence in the police." Mr Gallagher claimed that frustration over inaction by the authorities had been building for weeks. Police were given information but failed to intervene, he said. The degrading punishment, reminiscent of IRA-style retribution on those accused of crimes against their communities, provoked a horrified reaction. The victim was tied to a lamppost, then masked men poured tar over him and covered him in feathers as women and children looked on. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1370592007 Rumors have it that next they will tie some cops to lamp posts, "tar" them with molasses and decorate them with donuts, if they don't get some action beyond blaming things on political organizations.

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. "Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."
Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: 65,000 Search Engines Dear Webby, I got an ad from a seemingly respectable company about submitting my site to 65,000 different search engines for $129. Is that a good deal? Irene Dear Irene How many different search engines do you use? One? Two? How many different search engines do your clients use? Search for example for recognize a spoof on Google, MSN, Yahoo. They all will show you relevant and useful answers, and there is no need to check any other search engines. In addition to that, the better search engines totally ignore submissions, especially from paid submission services. If you know of any search engine that specializes on your topic and is used by your clients, you can try submitting your site to that one. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - US - Gimundo It sounds like the plot of a movie: After a brutal blow to the head, a man lies in bed in a near-vegetative state, unable to speak or move. Six years later, he regains consciousness. Suddenly, he's able to move his arms and legs, eat, and speak again. Within days, he's reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. But this story is fact, not fiction — and it's one of the most exciting medical developments in years, as far as many doctors are concerned. A physical assault six years ago left the unidentified man in a "minimally conscious state " — not quite comatose, but close enough. He wasn't able to move his limbs, and showed only the barest signs of consciousness, with occasional movements of his eyes or thumbs. Now, thanks to an innovative medical procedure, he's finally returned to the land of the living. In a study reported in Nature, researchers implanted a set of electrodes in the man's brain. Over a six-month period, they tested the effectiveness of sending electric shocks to the brain, exploring whether the electric signals would impact his level of functioning. Obviously, the shock treatment worked in a big way: The man can now speak, chew food, and move his limbs. Although he'll never fully recover from the brutal trauma to his head, he finally has a chance to engage with the world again. Despite what he may have lost, he still has much to live for. "Now, my son can eat, express himself and let us know if he is i n pain. He enjoys a quality of life we never thought possible, " said the man's mother. The experiment also provides hope for the estimated 100,000 to 300,000 other head-trauma patients in the United States, who may also respond to electrotherapy treatment. "We do think there will be other patients who can respond to this. I t's a first step to building a science to do this, " said lead study author, Dr. Nicolas Schiff. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... _Six_Years

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organize Your Sandwich Fixings Try keeping most of your sandwich making items in a plastic basket in your refrigerator. Not only does this save multiple trips to and from opening the door each time but your kids won't require much help at snack time! By Melody Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
RALPH GOES A DIGGING Family day at the beach. Complete with kids, picnic and the family dog Ralph. Dad was exhausted from long days at work. Mom was mad at dad as he wasn't much fun. He lay face down on a towel, dropped into a deep sleep, and that's where the fun began. The kids got small pails, and covered their overworked father completely up, except for his head. Mom, thinking she was really being funny, dug a tiny hole just above his bottom, and placed a doggie cookie there. Then she called Ralph. The kids hauled her away to swim. Ralph sniffed until he found that a treat was buried. He dug, and pulled, sand flying until he got what he wanted. An hour later, mom and the kids came back to see a crowd around dad. Oh boy, Ralph had pulled dad's swimming shorts down, his "cheeks" were sunburned a bright red. They glowed! It was a fast ride home. All dad wanted was a pan of ice to sit in. Mom didn't want to own up to the nasty stunt, the kids were in giggles, and Ralph? Best picnic he'd ever been on. What the family didn't know was that he went to every pile of sand and dug, uncovering a wide assortment of human parts that will go unmentioned. News on the television that night commented on an unusual amount of sunburn cases reported that day. Ralph lay asleep, his paws twitching, no doubt dreaming about finding cookies put out just for him, in the sand. Stormy O'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" "Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," the husband replied. "Murder occasionally," the wife offered "but never divorce."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crystal Cave
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Is Google-Earth limited to the C: drive? 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 29, 2007
=========================================

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid
the labor of thinking.
--- Thomas A. Edison

A man can be happy with any woman
as long as he does not love her.
--- Oscar Wilde

=========================================

Thanks to Ross for bringing back this classic:
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest
and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?”
 So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man
and experienced in this matter.

He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate
authority: a man of thousands of year’s tradition and
knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
“My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work,
my wife would have the maid do it ..."

=========================================

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received
a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has
already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all
wondering where I went."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card. =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to German Sarabia, 24, of Arvin, California Suicidal gunslinger Eleven officers fired on a suspect who refused to drop his weapon, killing him at about midnight Sunday in east Bakersfield, the Kern County sheriff’s deputies reported. German Sarabia, 24, of Arvin, died of multiple gunshot wounds, a coroner’s office news release said. Two other men, Antonio Villa Rivera, 23, and Gerardo Chavez Valencia, 22, both of Bakersfield, were arrested for their involvement in shots being fired from a brown Honda. Sarabia, Rivera and Valencia were chased by lawmen in connection with shots fired late Sunday night from a brown Honda at two locations near Barlow Street, the news release said. The car stopped in the 2600 block of Monterey Street and the three men ran from it. Officers found Sarabia in the backyard of 2602 Lake St., the news release said. He refused to drop his gun and surrender after numerous commands by officers to do so and was shot while resisting arrest. =========================================== Car-pooling in Bangla Desh =========================================== A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Google Earth onto second drive Dear Webby: I trid to install Google-Earth onto my second hard drive, but it insists on going to my C: drive, where I don't have enough space. Is there a way around that bug? Erin Dear Erin Unfortunately, there isn't. The blithering moron who wrote the Google-Pack installer seems to be ignorant of the fact that 32% of computer uers have more than one hard drive. It seems that Google-Earth has been designated as a program for small children, and the install program has been simplified accordingly. Grown-ups and advanced users have to get a second computer with enough space on the C: drive to install Google-Earth there. Yeah, I know it's rather dumb, but you can't argue with Google. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Virginia Beach, Virginia - Gimundo Good Samaritans come in all shapes and sizes. But you probably won't find too many that are barely out of diapers. Meet 3-year-old Willy Whitley from Virginia Beach, Va. — a pint-sized do-gooder whose generous deeds are helping to keep a sick 2-year old girl alive. After Willy saw a television news story about Zoe Walenius, who suffers from a rare disease called Opsiclonus Myoclonus Syndrome, he "kept talking about Zoe, and really wouldn't stop talking about her for several days, " his father, Rob, told Channel 13 News in Virginia Beach. So Willy and his father worked out a plan to raise money to help Zoe's family pay her exorbitant medical bills: They planted corn. When the ears were ripe, they picked and sold it, with all profits going to a foundation dedicated to helping Zoe and other children with the same disease. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... Save_Lives
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Clothing at Garage Sales To get the most money for your clothing items, makes sure to wash and fold them so they look their best. Lay folded clothing out on a table so people don't have dig through your bags or a big pile. Display dresses and jackets by using hangers. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Thanks to Bob for this report: I attended Palm Beach Atlantic College in Florida. It's only about a mile from the ocean, so students frequently go to the beach, even between classes. One day I was meeting with our dean, when he stopped me in the middle of our conversation and asked if I was an "A" student. Puzzled, I replied, "Mostly, why do you ask?" "You don't have a tan," he explained. "Around here, the darker the tan, the lower the grade." ============================================= BRIDE GOES SPLASH What a beautiful wedding! Everything had been perfect. The wedding had taken place on a white sandy beach with a lake as the backdrop. It was time to take photo's The groom was a shy man who had arrived from overseas a few months ago. He had courted his bride until she finally said yes to his pleas of marriage. His family was a bit reserved as he didn't know the girl that well. However, today all was well. The bride decided she wanted to have her and her new husbands photo taken on the dock, leading out into the lake. They were posed, the groom leaned in for a kiss, over tumbled the bride, splat, into the lake. My Irishwolfhound jumped right in after her. The groom was screaming in his own language. My dog was having a horrid time trying to find the bride in the ballooning poufs of her white gown. He got to her head, grabbed on to her veil to swim to shore. Dead silence. My dog had taken her veil all right, along with a long blonde wig she wore. Her new husband along with all his relatives got a good look at what he had married. Short, stubby grey hair. It was bedlam, it was hilarious. My dog brought his prize to me, he was praised well. Someone else had jumped in and brought the sobbing bride to shore. It didn't end well. There wasn't going to be a honeymoon. The foolish groom had fallen in love, not so much with the lady, but her pretty blonde hair. Someone tied the wig and the veil to my dog's head. The poor groom was led away crying. All for blonde curls. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aerial Survey and Photomapping History =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Registry Optimizer 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 28, 2007
=========================================

Health food makes me sick.
--- Calvin Trillin

With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from
blind belief in another.
--- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

=========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
As the lone female in our household, I find that certain
male habits have really begun to get on my nerves.
One day, I emerged from my teenage son's bathroom
completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toiler paper!"
I raged.

"I know." he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that
when I was just in there."

=========================================

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl.  Immediately she began flirting at him and
and flattering him outrageously. He liked the young lady,
but she was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent
pitch. Hhe was really amazed when after 30 minutes she
seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," he said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can
you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young lady declared. "For the past 5
years I've been working in the back office at the bank where
you have your account. I know all I ned to know about you."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!" He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who'd done the shouting, and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a good lay?" The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. --- Socratex =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Surf City, NJ officials Whose Ammo Dump? August 5, 2007 - Surf City New Jersey - AP The Army Corps of Engineers, which accidentally dumped sand filled with old military ordnance on Surf City's beach, now wants the town to help pay to remove it. Local officials are angered by the suggestion that they should help foot the bill for a federal goof that already has cost the town an unknown amount of tourism business. "If they're talking about getting any money out of Surf City to pay for their mistakes, they can forget about it," Mayor Leonard T. Connors told The Philadelphia Inquirer. Army Corps spokesman Khaalid Walls said local governments are routinely asked to help pay for projects. "That's protocol. All our projects are cost-shared," Walls said. The town had to close its beach in March after World War I-era ordnance, including fuses and other military hardware, started surfacing in sand pumped ashore during a $71 million beach replenishment project. According to Walls, the Army Corps unwittingly took sand from an offshore site where the military had dumped explosives decades ago. More than 1,100 explosives, each about 4 inches in diameter and 8 inches long, were removed from Surf City's beach. Surf City reopened its beach over Memorial Day weekend with new rules: Don't use metal detectors, don't dig more than a foot into the sand, and report anything suspicious to lifeguards. Even so, visitors since then have found about a dozen more munitions, the Army Corps says. The Army has an ordnance specialist at the beach full time to take charge of discovered explosives. It's unlikely that one of the explosives would ever detonate, but it would be extremely dangerous if it did, said Keith Watson, the Army Corps' project manager. The Army Corps, along with state and local officials, are considering a possible closure of the beach during the winter to clear out more ordnance. The Army Corps might sieve the entire beach with machinery, or it might bring back the ground-penetrating metal- detection equipment used in the spring. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi None of the locals had told the Army that WWI ammo had been dumped there. They just wanted the Army to pump the sand from there up onto their beach, for free. =========================================== Tourists in Las Vegas desperately trying to lure somebody with an air conditioned or cool pad. =========================================== A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city. After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up. "I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night." "Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother. "Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Registry Optimizer Dear Webby: Advance Registry Optimizer: Is this something one should have, or not: Roland: Dear Roland Our computers work just fine without it. Advance Registry Optimizer seems to be about as necessary as having a mother-in-law in the back seat. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 22, 2007 - Elk Grove, California - Gimundo In general, 5-year-olds aren't renowned for their help in crisis situations. If you have a scrape on your knee, a kindergartener may be able to give you a Band-Aid to cover it up – but that's about the extent of it. Except if that kindergartener is John John Bandieros of Elk Grove, California. Last week, John John was alone with his pregnant mother, Christina, went she went into labor. Though Christina called an ambulance to take her to the hospital, she knew the baby wasn't going to wait that long. It was up to John John to help deliver his own sister. Luckily, the precocious child came through for his mom. He followed his mother's instructions perfectly, bringing her a stack of blankets to lie on while he guided the baby out. When his sister was born, he tied a shoelace around her umbilical cord so that she could breathe on her own. When the ambulance finally arrived, John John led the EMT officials up to the bedroom, where his mother was holding the healthy newborn in her arms. "I wasn't scared," John John told KCRA/NBC News in California. "I think that she was beautiful." And she'll make a pretty cool story for show-and-tell, too.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Electronics at Garage Sales If you are selling electronics at a garage sale clean or dust the exterior and make sure that they work. The better the item looks, the more likely it is to sell. It also helps to write on the price tag that it works, you can even have an extension cord handy for people to test for themselves. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ============================================= WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN I love going to the theatre. The huge screen, loud sound, popcorn, it all has a huge attraction for me. I don't like going with my husband, as he is an arm hog. Then he slides down in his seat until I can barely see his head. So, I usually rest one arm on the other side of my chair. Unless there's another arm hog on that side as well. Popcorn. Fattening and delicious, pooling with nice butter. A huge bucket is the only way to go. The show had begun, when a man with a fair sized tummy squeezed his way into the row I was in, then sat next to me. "What'd I miss?" he whispered. To me that is a no no. I don't want to talk. Leave me alone to enjoy the show, and savour my calories. He fussed around a lot! Finally, he settled in to watch the movie. I dug into my popcorn, and something wet slid over my hand. Yuk. What sort of a man was I sitting next to! Not my husband, he was asleep. I put my hand into the tub again and this time I touched something hairy. With big ears, munching MY popcorn. I almost leaped out of my jeans. The man next to me whispered, "I have to bring my Chihuahua with me, he's deaf and barks all the time if I leave him alone." Well now, this I could handle. A tiny dog smuggled into the show? What harm in that! What harm indeed. The show was over when I smelled dog urine. The man had placed his pet on the floor, where it peed on my husbands leg. I thought it was funny as hell, until I found out he had piddled on me as well. Damn, I even shared my popcorn with that little devil. That, I could not forgive. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?" The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time, ever, in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."
============================================= Thanks to Roger for today's Bonus Link: Pictures by cat lovers =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Youtube spoof 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 27, 2007
=========================================

Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
--- Louise Beal

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
--- Jack London

=========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this update from Florida

IT'S SO HOT and DRY IN FLORIDA. (1967 Version)

 .... the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground
 .....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
 .....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
 .... hot water now comes out of both taps.
 .....you can make sun tea instantly.
 .....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
 .....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel the breeze.
 .....you discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
 .....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 .....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
 .....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
 .....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
      end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
 .....you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
 .....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is
         pull one out and add butter.  (in the garden)
 .....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
 .....people are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
        laying boiled eggs. (in the country)
 .....you can't fry eggs on the tank of your bike, if they got hard boiled
       in the carton on the way across the parking lot.

Addendum for 2007
.....the hot air from the Algorian provides a welcome cooling breeze.

=========================================

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give
to an old lady in the park. Her mother was
touched by the child's kindness and gave her
the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother.
"But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Velma asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied Jim "What's your phone number?" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to British Motorists What's a map? August 7, 2007 - London, UK - Reuters As many as 11 million British motorists are unable to read a basic road map, according to a survey released Monday. The poll revealed over three quarters of British drivers were unable to identify the motorway map symbol, while only one percent of motorists would pass the Cub Scout Map Reader badge test. "It's pretty embarrassing the majority of Cub Scouts have better map-reading skills than the majority of the adult population," said Colin Batabyal, head of underwriting and business development at eSure, which carried out the survey. Sixteen percent of British drivers have become so heavily reliant on satellite navigation systems that they have given up keeping a map in their car. "It's time for motorists to take a refresher in map-reading skills," said Scott Sinclair of national mapping agency Ordnance Survey. "Technology is great but the batteries won't run out on a paper map. "No serious hill walker would rely totally on a GPS device in case the power goes or the signal is lost, so it should be the same for the motorist," added Sinclair. The survey -- based on a poll of 1,000 UK drivers -- estimated Britons' poor map-reading skills resulted in 36 billion wasted miles being driven each year. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... aps_odd_dc =========================================== OUTCH! Should have worn the big interview foamies! =========================================== Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, Tim," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence." "But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said. With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dani Re: Filter for U-Tube spoofs Dear Webby: How do I filter out crap like this? I KNOW I am not on any video, and since the barbecue blew up this spring, I am not even on any photo! I am actually contemplating becoming a muslim until my hair grows back. :( In addition to that, MailWasher tells me that it is linking to somewhere else. Here is a typical example: === this i not good. If this video gets to her husband your both dead. see for yourself... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQrTPGpMziX [links to 74.132.117.201/] === I am sure you get them too. How do you filter them? Dani Dear Dani I had to root around the restore bin to find an example. The same 7BIT filter that I described yesterday, also gets this type of virus generated spam. IF the entire header contains 7BIT, then delete, without warning. They fly right by, straight to hell, unseen by anybody, except when you send me to check the restore bin. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 8, 2007 - Elmira, New York - Happy News A large ceramic turtle containing a woman's ashes has been recovered after it was accidentally sold for 50 cents at a rummage sale. When Anita Lewis of Elmira sold the turtle Saturday to a woman with plans to use it as a cookie jar, she didn't know it held the ashes of her husband's late wife. Terrence Lewis' previous wife had collected turtles and the couple's home was full of them, Anita Lewis said. She realized her mistake and began a frantic search that led to the Salvation Army Thrift Shop in Horseheads after an anonymous caller's tip to the Star-Gazette of Elmira. http://www.happynews.com/news/882007/wo ... l-sale.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bring Your Own Beverages If you are in the habit of purchasing beverages or snacks from vending machines at work or school, consider buying cases of drinks and snacks so you can bring your own. Vending machines usually charge double what grocery stores do. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Maggie has a particularly outrageous rapport with her son. He argues and fights with her all the time. Finally having had enough, she takes her son to a psychologist. After two sessions, the doctor speaks with the mother. "Madam, your son suffers from an Oedipus Complex." "Oedipus, Schmoedipus," replies Maggie, "It's all the same to me. The important thing is that he loves his mother!" ============================================= DOG SAVES MAMA GOOSE I've heard it said that one animal can't understand when another animal is in distress, then help. I disagree. This is a true story. I was in my truck, watching and not realizing it at the time that a big Canadian Goose was in trouble, caught in a heavy shrub. All I could see was her head snaking in and out of the bush, while she honked. A dog walked by, stopped to look at the bird, then stuck his head into the shrub. At this point I started to walk over to the bird, thinking the dog would harm it. As I got closer, I could see where one of the goose's legs was tangled in a rope, that threaded through the branches. At first the goose hissed, beat her wings, but the dog carried on. He squeezed his way into the shrub, lay down behind the bird, and chewed on the rope until she was free. The goose was calm at this point. She honked, and her goslings came out of hiding. She gathered her brood, then started to cross the highway. Again before I could help, the dog walked out, and traffic stopped. He looked at the goose, she hurried across with her family, her head up, honking loudly. Once she reached the other side of the road, the dog went on its way. Several other people were watching as well. We all wore huge grins, it really was a great thing to witness. I went into the shrub, and yanked out as much of the rope as I could. The next goose to get caught might not have a hero dog to help her to safety. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Billy, "he crapped in my pants, too....!!" He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing a gong.
============================================= Thanks to Roger for today's Bonus Link: Pictures by cat lovers =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Filter out multiple forwards 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 26, 2007
=========================================

Nothing will work unless you do.
--- John Wooden

=========================================

In the lounge car during a cross-country train trip, the conversation
turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.

One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said.  "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due
to simple food.

Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of 20 to that of 40 I lived
an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late
hours, no extravagances.

Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning.  I worked from eight to
one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words:  after that, an
hour's exercise; then --"

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but
what were you in jail for?"

=========================================

Q.  How can you identify the Polack at a Cockfight?
A   He's the one who brought the duck.

Q.  How can you identify the Italian at the Cockfight?
A.  He's the one who bets on the duck.

Q.  How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
A.  If the duck wins, they're involved.

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Calgary International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat." Since I had my boarding pass with my usual seat assignment, 3F, I didn't really care, but turned to give the line jumper a raised eyebrow anyway, -- and found myself face to face with a smiling pilot. ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Education Bureau in Liaoshen, China Flushed Out August 9, 2007 - Fuxin City, China - Ananova Five students in China have been dismissed from school for not flushing the toilet. The students are based at the Ethnic Mongolian Experimental Middle School in Fuxin city. The headmaster, Mr. Shi, explained: "Every year we sign a commitment paper with each parent and child, to make sure students behave properly at school. "The punishments for breaking the rules aren't negotiable, he added. The Commitment Paper has 27 rules and flushing the toilet is one of them. The move has angered parents. "We have complained to the school and the local education bureau many times, but the school insists on its decision," said one. The education bureau says that the school has overreacted, reports Liaoshen Evening News. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2454998.html?menu= Sounds like the sniveling dogooders have invaded China and started to backstab the schools. =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Jury Selection =========================================== Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nigle Re: Filter AOL flags Dear Webby: I took your advice and installed Mailwasher. You were right (as usual), it is great. Would you please tell me how to write a filter to block/delete e-mail that has more than 2 Fwd: Fw: etc. in the subject line. I need to be able to receive mail with 2 forwards, but not any more than that. I also need to get this mail from people who are on my friends list. Is it possible to have filter for this? Thanks for all your good work. Nigle Dear Nigle Hit CTRL T ALT F A to add a new filter (Or do the equivalent mousing around) Filter name: AOL-Flag Priority: no checkmark on "This filter takes precedence over the Friends List. Status Description: AOL-Flag, and select a crappy color. (Use colors that you like for filters that mark mails as good) Put a checkmark on "Mark this email for deletion In the Rules Select: Subject Field Select Contains type fwd: fwd: fwd: into the value field Hit OK The result will be: If the Subject field contains "fwd: fwd: fwd:" then mark the message as mail to be deleted. Now you can shuffle that filter up the list of filters. That requires some strategic thinking. When a mail has been cleared or dumped by a filter, filters farther down won't affect it. It is no longer in the queue. For example, if you want to mark mails as legitimate if they contain the word "forms" in the subject line, but want to dump it if it also contains an AOL flag (>>>) , then you would move this filter up above the "forms" filter. Hit OK, and it is done. You can try the filter with just two fwd's in the subject line. Then it will mark mails with two or more of them, and you can manually "rescue" some of those. If you get mails that contain foreign equivlents of "Fwd:" in the subject line, then filter for the AOL flag ">>>" in the body. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 9, 2007 - Nouakchott, Mauritania - AP Mauritania passed a law promising prison time for people who keep slaves — a monumental step in the northwest African nation's push to eliminate the long-standing practice. The law, adopted unanimously late Wednesday by Mauritania's legislature, calls for prison sentences of up to 10 years for people found keeping slaves, and reparations for those who have been enslaved. Slavery has existed for hundreds of years in Mauritania — a poor nation of Muslim nomads and traders on the Sahara Desert's. Yet it has been hard to know how persistent the practice is because owners and slaves often have lived together for decades and consider one another to be family. The government officially abolished slavery in 1981, but no one has ever been prosecuted for it and no law created a punishment. http://www.happynews.com/news/892007/ma ... ry-law.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sale Closing Time A few hours before you end your yard sale sale, make everything half price or have a bag sale. For a bag sale, you set a fixed price for whatever they can fit into a bag. Plastic grocery bags work great for this. You don't make a lot money but you can get rid of a lot of items. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section. The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion and quickly got back with appropriate fillers. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where you ran over it on the way to the store." ============================================= EXTRA CHARGES Jasper, my Maltese had a thorn in his paw that I was unable to pull out. I took him to the veterinarian's clinic. It was closed for lunch. I joined several other people waiting for the door to open. One women was in a temper. Although she had driven up in a luxurious car, wore lovely clothes and very fat diamond ring, all she wanted to hash over was how expensive it was to take her pet to the vet's. On and on, how everyone knew a vet overcharged, had more money than the Queen herself, didn't give a damn about "poor" people struggling to just keep up, plus this vet at this clinic was a cold sort of toad. Finally the door opened. Jasper was second in line. The vet came out to call in the first patient, the grumbling woman. We all looked at him in shock, then I started to giggle. No one had noticed the quiet man sitting on the steps waiting for the clinic to open. He was the vet, who had forgotten his keys to get in. From the gleam in his eyes, he had heard every nasty word she had uttered. This vet drove an old beat up truck, half of his time was spent caring for animals in shelters, plus he often cut "poor" peoples bills in half so they would be able to afford animal medical care. Along with every one else in that room, I hope he put a few extra charges on her bill. He certainly deserved it! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scotland at a glance =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: new Wave of different postcard spoofs 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 25, 2007
=========================================

Let him that would move the world, first move himself."
--- Socrates

Everyone who's ever taken a shower has an idea. It's the
person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does
something about it that makes a difference."
--- Nolan Bushnell

=========================================

Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer
day.

Their dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was
mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and
cool without getting into trouble.

They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one
of them jumped up and declared, "I know!  Lets get baptized!"

Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a
baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and
told the pastor they wanted to get baptized.

The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of
begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and
dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on
their way.

The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole
adventure, when one of them asked the other, "Hey, what religion
are we now?"

"I don't know," replied the other.  "If we were Baptists, he
would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like
he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured
it on our heads from a pitcher..."

They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one
said in a small voice, "Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I
think that it means that we're 'pisscapalin."

=========================================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to
explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" ========================================== A young couple decided they needed an au pair, and arranged for a girl to come over from Northern Finland. When she arrived, the wife asked, "Can you cook?" "No," said the girl, "My mother always did that." "Can you do housework?" asked the wife. "No, my oldest sister always did that." "Well," said the wife, "You'd better just look after the children." "I don't know how," said the girl. "My youngest sister always did that." "What can you do, then?" asked the wife, in desperation. "Well," said the Finnish girl brightly, "I can milk reindeer." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= This Lady needed her bedroom painted. She called a painter to paint it for her. He came and painted it a beautiful color. She was so proud of it. That night her husband came home, and she said, "Look honey, what a beautiful room." The husband, being tired, leaned his hand against the wall and told her how pretty it was, but the paint, still being wet, smeared a little. The lady was rather upset that he had smeared the wall. The next day, the painter comes over to get paid, and the lady says, "Oh, you must come in and see where my husband put his hand last night." The painter replied, "Sorry, I can't do that, lady, but I will split a beer with you." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Hans Ahl, 62, Sweden Sent in by Lillemor Rich Cry-Baby Millionaire Swede pays dear for speed Published: 24th August 2007 08:39 CET Online: http://www.thelocal.se/8276/ A millionaire from Småland in southern Sweden has been forced to pay a 195,000 kronor ($28,000) fine after he was caught speeding on the Baltic island of Åland. Hans Ahl, 62, was hit with the full force of Finnish law after driving his Chevrolet minivan at a speed of 67 kilometres/hour (42 mph) in a 30 km/h zone (19mph). Though the population of Åland is Swedish speaking, the main island and its many skerries are in fact an administrative province of Finland. Unlike in Sweden, where there is a 4,000 kronor maximum charge, Finland does not place an upper limit on traffic fines. Instead the cost of a speeding ticket is calculated on the basis of the offender's income. "I can laugh about it now that a few days have passed. And I can pay it alright but it's a lot of money," Ahl told Expressen. The 62-year-old has said that he intends appealing the decision, partly because he didn't know that there was a 30 km/h speed limit. "You would have a hard job finding the 30 sign. I thought I was out in the countryside in the middle of the woods," said Ahl. TT/The Local (news@thelocal.se/08 656 6518) ----------------------------------- So that they would be equally memorable for everybody, and not laughed off as cheap toll, Finland has for many years based speeding fines on the speeder's income. Anssi Vanjoki, a top Nokia executive, was fined about 5 times as much for a similar ticket (46 mph in a 30mph zone) in 2002, as Hans Ahl was fined. =========================================== Thanks to JoAnn for this picture: A Hardy Fuchsia and one of our Summer visitors. These little jewels give us so much pleasure and it only costs a few nice plants and a bag of sugar for their feeders. Sure is cheap entertainment for the season! Guinn and JoAnn =========================================== A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lori Re: new type of postcard spoofs Dear Webby, there is a new type of postcard spoof out, but each fake postcard pick-up notice seems to be different. I can't seem to find anything common to filter for. They look like this: izswhether@equistarchem.com wanted you to have this card from americangreetings.com. To view your Ecard online, click on the following link: americangreetings.com [links to 71.207.55.224/] Enjoy, americangreetings.com Since you didn't mention them, you must be filtering them out unseen. How do you do that? Lori Dear Lori Yes, you are right. I had not seen those and had to look for them in the MailWasher restore bin. They had all gotten dumped, unseen, by my T7 filter: If the entire header contains "Transfer-Encoding: 7Bit", dump it. That filter also nabs a lot of other virus generated spam. I only keep the MailWasher stats for two days so that they don't slow things down too much, but in the last two days that filter dumped 30% of the spam sent towards me. Try it for a day or two with just marking stuff to be deleted, and if it does not mark any legitimate mail, then set it to automatically dump stuff without showing it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Home sweet cement pipe A Chinese man has built a house out of two cement pipes. Xin Yucai, 50, of Shenyang city, even turned down the chance to move into his daughter's apartment he enjoyed living in his unusual home so much. "My father likes to do things differently," she explained. "He bought two cement pipes from a construction company and turned them into a real house, with windows, door, and even a chimney." The daughter says her apartment has enough space for her father but Xin still insisted on making a house of his own. "We moved once, and he took the pipe house with him." The house has become a city attraction. "From time to time, people will come to have a look and take pictures with the pipe house," a neighbour told Huashang Morning News.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Applying Stain To Wood Sand wood and remove any dust before staining. A clean, used pair pantyhose works well for applying stain to wood. The nylon provides an even coat and doesn't leave behind any lint. Wear rubber gloves and old clothes. It usually takes at least two coats to get a uniform look. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. ============================================= ROVER'S IN LOVE It was Mark's seventh birthday. The backyard of his home was crawling with kids, dogs, relatives, plus a table loaded with food. Mark loved a juice drink his mom made, plus she was generous with the sugar. She had decided to place a huge bowl of the punch on a low stool, with a pile of paper cups. The kids could help themselves. One child had brought her Chihuahua, Lacy to the party. Mark's dog Rover, a Saint Bernard, Labrador mix was fascinated with the tiny Lacy. He was careful of his huge size and strength. He only wanted to get past her snapping teeth long enough to say hello. Lacy had enough of this inconsiderate boob sniffing at her. She jumped out of her mistress's arms, raced across the lawn, tumbling right into the punch bowl. Rover to the rescue. His massive mouth closed over Lacy, hauling her dripping out of the sweet stuff. Even though she was in a terrible temper, he lay down, held Lacy between his paws, and washed her. Lacy fought a good fight, but it really was hopeless. He bathed her until she was glistening with drool. Lacy bit his paw, it was like a bee sting. She caught his lip between her teeth. He went still, until she let go. He drooled, licked, slurped until Lacy's owner rescued him. Just before she was picked up, Lacy squatted, and peed on Rovers paws. Rover? He washed his piddled up feet. He smiled. He gazed at Lacy across the yard. Yup, no help for it. Rover was in love! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sedona =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =============================================





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Dear Webby: Kill hiberfil.sys 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 24, 2007       
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
=========================================

out of Atlanta comes this comment:
Americans should be ashamed !
We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo wings,
that many kids today...have never seen a buffalo fly.


Well, times are changing. Ten years ago, if I told a woman
that I wanted to google her Wiki with my Palm Pilot,
she would probably have either slapped or kissed me.
Today she'll offer to guide me in.

=========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while
a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag...

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I' d better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
through the fence, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

=========================================

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho" and
went out walking with one of the hired hands.  Walking through
the barnyard, the visitor tried to impress the ranch hand and
started a conversation.  "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd'."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows.  There's
a big bunch of 'em right over there!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head with the cast iron frying pan. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name "Marylou" written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to South African hospitals Pay or die August 17, 2007 - Johannesburg, South Africa - Ananova A South African security guard who was shot during a robbery was told to 'walk off' the pain. Hospitals are reportedly refusing to remove the bullet which is still stuck in the side of Phillip Mashiane, 38, reports the local Star newspaper. He was shot during a burglary at the Johannesburg property of South Africa's ambassador to the United Nations. The bullet passed through his elbow and entered his body just above the hip, missed his vital organs and stopped beneath the skin on the opposite side of his body. Mr Mashiane told the paper he was turned away by one private hospital because he could not afford the bills while a public hospital took x-rays and kept him in for observation before sending him home with painkillers. When he returned, he says a doctor told him to 'walk the pain off'. Doctors at a third hospital said it could not remove the bullet because Mr Mashiane had started treatment elsewhere. "I want my life back. I need to work and all I ask is for them to help me," he said. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2467232.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Walter for this picture: No global warming, but plenty of rain! =========================================== Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leanne Re: hiberfil.sys Dear Webby, I got this huge file called hiberfil.sys, and it's fragmented so badly that even DisKeeper can't do anything about it. Actually, it's the only fragmented file it shows on the C: drive. Is there a way to get rid of it? Leanne Dear Leanne hiberfil.sys is just a snapshot of what you got open and running, what Windows will return to when it wakes up from hibernating. If you get rid of, or move hiberfil.sys then Windows has nothing to return to when you get back from lunch. That is why DisKeeper won't touch it. The only safe way to get rid of hiberfil.sys is to turn of Hibernation. Go to Control Panel Power Hibernation Apply Then reboot. The file is gone. Now tell Diskeeper to do a defrag and snug everything up. You will wind up with a lean and mean and fast C: drive with zero fragments. After that, you can turn hibernation on again. It's a good idea to do that once or twice a year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 20, 2007 - Finland - Ananova A 5,000-year-old piece of chewing gum has been discovered by an archaeology student. Sarah Pickin, 23, from Derby University, found the lump of birch bark tar on a dig in western Finland, reports the BBC. Neolithic people used the material as an antiseptic to treat gum infections, as well as a glue for repairing pots. Ms Pickin's tutor, Professor Trevor Brown, said: "It's particularly significant because well defined tooth imprints were found on the gum. "Birch bark tar contains phenols, which are antiseptic compounds." Ms Pickin, one of five UK students on a volunteer programme at the Kierikki Centre on the west coast of Finland, said: "I was delighted to find the gum and was very excited to learn more about the history." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2471387.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shopping By The Seasons By preparing meals with foods that are in season you can save a lot of money. Other seasonal deals to look for are meat sales around the holidays. Some examples are hot dogs before the 4th of July and specialty meats like ham or turkey for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Supposedly a true story, but it sounds like an Urban Legend. A British doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied: I'm not, I just lie there. When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?" ============================================= A DOG IS A DOG, SOMETIMES Two seniors huddled together on the bench waiting their turn to see the veterinarian. On the lady's lap sat a very small Pomeranian who looked quite miserable. It was easy to see they were devoted to her. Their wrinkled hands constantly stroked her fur, trying to reassure the dog. Once taken in to see the vet, he began with some small talk to ease the old folks. Turns out they had always lived on a farm, with only outside working dogs. The small Pom was a gift, but they really had no idea how to care for something so fragile. The vet began his medical test. The wee dog shivered and shook through the entire exam. The old couple were asked to go into the office with the dog, while the doctor gathered up the test results. Looking at the extremely anxious seniors, he said, " Your wee one is diabetic. Does anyone in her family have this condition?" It was an beautiful example of how much they loved their dog. The husband looked at his wife "I don't think anyone in my family has diabetes, does yours, love? The vet just smiled, he saw this a lot, where people simply forgot the dog was a dog, not really a human member of the family. He rather liked it! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
The church next door welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sedona =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Better looking prints 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 23, 2007
=========================================

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
--- Margaret Drabble

Be changed and the world around you begins to change.
— Gerald Epstein

=========================================

Thanks to Bob for this revelation:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for.

Then I noticed women were coming up to me, they'd sniff,
exclaim, "Married!", and walk off.

So, gents, that's how they mark their territory!  You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that "April fresh scent" out of
your clothes.

=========================================

A programmer, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing
around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a
girlfriend.

The accountant says, "A girlfriend! No commitments, no
hassles. When you get tired, you just move on."

The lawyer says, "One needs a wife. That way you have a
representative; an extension of yourself at important
gatherings with influential people".

The programmer says, "You're both wrong. You need a wife and
a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the
girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the
while you're at the office creating programs!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
The gynecologist complimented the young woman on his examination table. "Go home and tell your husband to prepare for a baby." "But I don't have a husband," the girl replied. "Then, go home and tell your lover." "But I don't have a lover. I've never had a lover!" "In that case," the doctor sighed, "go home and tell your mother to prepare for the second coming of Christ..." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr.. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!" "I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father..." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 54 year old biker in Hamamatsu, Japan Leg? What leg? Thanks to Sheila for this International Bonehead Award August 14, 2007 - Tokyo, Japan - Reuters A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb. The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said. He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying. The man and his leg were taken to hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said. http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnou ... 0120070814 =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: Printng photos Dear Webby, When I try to print pictures, they don't come out anywhere near as good as the samples they had at the store and claimed they had printed with that kind of printer. Did they use prints from a different printer or am I doing something wrong? Anton Dear Anton Most likely they used the most expensive photo paper and ink from Atlantic Inkjet.com. They also probably used a picture formatted for 300 or more pixels per inch. If you save a picture off a browser, it will be 72 pixels per inch. That is a huge difference in the number of dots on a picture. On an 8x10 picture, with 72 PPI you get 576 dots times 720 dots = 414,720 dots. With 320 DPI you get 2560 dots times 3200 dots = 8,192,000 0.4 Million dots versus 8 Million dots. If you use JPG format and any amount of compression, then you also lose picture quality very quickly. JPG compression is for sending pictures to your aunt on her slow dial-up, but not for printing. If you want a nice print, set the compression to 1. Watch the file size, though! For example, a picture of the "Eye Of God" (Helix nebula) off the browser might be 30 KB on some sites that use compression, 250 KB on mine at Eye Of God 800 x 600, but if you use the original, sized to 10" x 7.5" at 320 DPI, it's over 2.5 MB. In summary, use good paper, good ink, 300 or more DPI, and absolutely no compression in any step between camera and printer. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11 , 2007 - Sudbury, Suffolk, UK - Ananova A father posed for a publicity picture in a desperate attempt to find the daughter he has not seen for years unaware she was just a few yards behind him. Michael Dick scoured the streets of Sudbury, Suffolk, and looked through the electoral register searching for Lisa, 31, reports Metro. After drawing a blank, he went to the Suffolk Free Press newspaper, which ran a story on his search. The paper took a picture for the article, of Michael and his younger daughters Samantha, 22, and 10-year-old Shannon. Lisa, a mother of three, discovered her father, 58, was trying to find her when friends mentioned the story. And when she looked at the photograph, she realised she and her mother were just a few metres behind them and got in touch. Mr. Dick, a carpenter from Bow, East London, said: 'I couldn't believe it when Lisa told me. It is just pure coincidence that she was walking past.' Lisa, Mr. Dick's daughter from his first marriage, moved to Sudbury with her mother as a baby after her parents split up. She was amazed to spot herself in the picture behind her father and two half-sisters. Lisa said: 'I was completely shocked. Me and my mum had been standing in that exact place where the picture was taken about a minute earlier, and you can see us in the picture walking away. It is incredible.' Lisa, who now lives in Colchester, Essex, had only gone to Sudbury on the day the picture was taken to visit her mother. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2456317.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Cooking Sheets Buy a piece of corner molding at your local hardware store and cut it into pieces that are about the depth of your kitchen cabinets. Nail the pieces of molding to the bottom of your cabinet perpendicular to the opening and you can then store your cookie sheets upright. When I design a kitchen, I always put a narrow, floor to countertop drawer beside the stove, with no sidewall on the stove side. Into the top I put a towel rack, and in the bottom a chrome wire guard or fence to hold cookie sheets upright and from tipping against the stove side. The waste heat from the stove dries the towels and stove cloths, and the library of cookie sheets and cake pans is easily accessible. Now if I could find some decent flour bins, the kitchen would be perfect. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she continuously yelled, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. Finally, another fan called out, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!" "Hey," she yelled back, "How would you know? That's my husband, not yours!" ============================================= GUS AND HIS TUMMY I stirred the homemade spaghetti sauce, savouring the rich aroma. The sauce was a beautiful red color. I knew my dinner guests would enjoy it. All had to do was change into a pretty new white sundress. Gus was a stray dog I had taken in a week ago. He was so skinny every rib showed. His hip bones could be used to hang hats on. He lived in my kitchen, constantly underfoot. I knew that with time, he would learn that he would never go hungry at my house. The doorbell rang. I had just slipped into my sundress, flew past the kitchen, stopped to move the pot of spaghetti sauce from the stove. I took a step back, Gus was right behind me. Down I went, covered in sauce. The stuff was hot. I was moaning in pain. Gus was right there slurping it up. My guests came in, saw the dog standing over me licking me frantically, they panicked. "OH no, that dog has attacked her, she's covered in blood." They tried to grab Gus, he growled. It was his sauce, he had first claim. What a grand day, an ambulance, the police, along with animal control to catch Gus. I wasn't badly burned, the dress absorbed most of the goo. The next day I had to go spring Gus out of doggie jail. When I started supper cooking porkchops, I put a leash on Gus, tied it to the table. I should have known better. I answered the phone. While I was gone, Gus pulled the table across the room, leaped up to snag the chops out of the pan, then grinned at me. My husband came home, took one look at me then suggested "How about going out for pizza?" I really have to get Gus into training school. He beat us both to the car! Stormy O' A table leg? Stormy, YOU need to go to training school too. That dog probably would have drug that table UP some stairs to get at the pork chops! I will always remember one eveing in 75, when I chained two of my sled dogs, pure-bred mutts, to the welded on eye bolts on opposite ends of the step bumper on my Ford Pick-up, while I went into the McRae truck stop on the Alaska Highway to eat. When they spotted a blackbear sauntering across the parking lot, they both took off after it like bullets. The 3/8" tow chain I had used, was stronger than the "slighlty" rusty bumper bolts, and with the bumper clattering along behind them, they went after the bear. The poor bear had probably never been that scared before in it's life, and remembered how he used to climb trees as a pup. He went up a telphone pole faster than a lineman three minutes before quitting time. I have been VERY choosy about what I tie dogs to ever since. DearWebby
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sand Sculptures of PEI =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Most reliable connection 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 22, 2007
=========================================

He who waits upon fortune is never sure of dinner.
--- Benjamin Franklin

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
--- Jerome Blattner

=========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home,
he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."

=========================================

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their
parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their
sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister also told a number of stories that cannot be printed here." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mike Vick (Story sent in by Jai) ATLANTA -- The Atlanta Humane Society said they are receiving donations from across the country -- and you'll never guess what people are sending: Mike Vick jerseys and t-shirts "We discovered like any donation we get, any shirt or towel, we put it to good use here at Atlanta Humane Society. We're always using things to clean kennels, use for bedding and stuff like that," said Smith. Did she say cleaning kennels? "We're not showing any favoritism to these jerseys, they go into our general rotation of towels," Smith said. One dog is using his Vick jersey as a pillow. Complete story at http://www.wsbtv.com/news/13918614/detail.html --------------------- The real bonehead award should go th the owners of the Atlanta Falcons, who kept Mike Vick on for two years after it became known, that he was involved with running illegal dogfights. =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water, who rescued her. The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, "Once I was in the water, it was no big deal. But I sure am curious about who pushed me overboard." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ormond Re: Most reliable connection Dear Webby, What is the most reliable connection? I don't really need very high speed, but for my on-line credit card order processing, I need 100% reliability. I am not an AOLer, so I don't have a religious hangup requiring things to be free or the absolute cheapest. I can write it off as a business expense anyway. Ormond Dear Ormond NOTHING on the net is 100% reliable. Approach it the same way as the power on a big boat. For normal operation, use a big Diesel (DSL) and for emergency, when there is a problem with the Diesel, use a little put-put outboard. (Dial-Up). Cable may be a bit faster, but the reliability of cable is rarely even near what it theoretically should be. DSL is quite reliable, normally, but even big companies like Telus have occasional problems, especially when they try to do a system wide software upgrade and accidentally knock off a few thousand clients. They just did that again this Monday night and wound up reverting to the old system Tuesday afternoon. At times like that I simply switch to Earthlink dial-up. I have had that account for a dozen years for traveling, and the occasional DSL downtime. In summary, for a business you do need a back-up way onto the net. Whether you use DSL or Cable for normal operation, keep a cheap dial-up connection going. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 21, 2007 - Lehighton, Pennsylvania - AP Sheila Drummond didn't need to see her hole-in-one. She heard it. Drummond, blinded by diabetes 26 years ago, experienced the highlight of her golfing career Sunday, recording an ace on the 144-yard, par-3 fourth hole at Mahoning Valley Country Club. Playing with her husband and coach, Keith, and two friends in a steady rain, the 53-year-old Drummond hit a driver on the hole. The shot cleared a water hazard, flew between traps and landed on the green, where it hit the flagstick before dropping into the hole. ''They were saying, 'It's a great shot,' and then I heard it hit the pin,'' Drummond said. ''For a hole-in-one, you have to hit it onto the green, so it's a little bit of skill and a lot of luck.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/8212007/b ... career.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Dairy You'll almost always save money by buying larger containers of dairy items like yogurt, milk and cheese but make sure you don't buy so much it will spoil before it's used. Stock up on cheese when it's on sale, it can be grated and frozen for later use. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Thanks to Jai for this story: As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go." ============================================= OH MY FRAZZLED NERVES The entire neighborhood could hear Thelma screaming. "Get it out of here, now!" Silence, then, "That dog isn't normal, Eeeeek, catch that slimy thing." Finally, "That's it, wait till your father gets home." The fuss was over a little dog called Julie. She was a small mixed breed dog. She did have one horrid habit. Julie liked snakes. She didn't hurt or kill them, she merely liked to catch them and carry them wriggling into the house. Of course Thelma, would end up on the counter top, holding her skirts up around her neck, screeching at the top of her lungs for her kids to catch the snake. Her wrath boiled over when Julie hauled home a tiny garter snake, then presented it to Thelma when she was, shall we say, busy in the bathroom. Dad arrived home to find his wife in tears, his kids sulking and Julie tied to the dog house. He also brought home his boss and his wife for dinner.Thelma had forgotten, there wasn't any hot meal ready. She bawled openly while telling her husband her nerves couldn't handle any more snakes. Julie had to go. The kids wailing could be heard two blocks away. The boss's wife hearing the story said, "Why I love snakes, I'll take Julie." Dinner was finally served. The boss stared across the table at his wife thinking of how much he loved her, never able to deny her smallest wish. No one knew that he had recently spent the entire night in his car, afraid to open the door because he had seen a baby snake. He wondered, how "his" nerves were going to hold up with Julie, and her gifts. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly. "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?" The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: France at a glance =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Roboform 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 21, 2007
=========================================

The most drastic and usually the most effective remedy
for fear is direct action.
--- William Burnham

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.
--- Wernher von Braun

=========================================

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4
inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

=========================================

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason,
a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery,
but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out
of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's
five dollars."

"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"  questioned
the man.

Jason replied, "Applied psychology."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you? "Eighty six" "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to eighty six" and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived them." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to robbers in Laohekou City, China lack of homework August 15, 2007 - Laohekou City, China - Ananova A Chinese woman has told how robbers snatched a parcel of dog poo wrapped in newspaper out of her hand outside a bank. Mrs. Chen, of Laohekou city, was waiting in the bank to withdraw money when nature suddenly called for her dog. "While I was waiting in the queue, my dog had to poo. So I asked for several pieces of newspaper to wrap the poo," she said. After wrapping it, Chen left the bank, and was waiting to cross the street to throw the parcel into a rubbish bin when the robber struck. "A motorcycle stopped swiftly before me, the man on the rear seat seized the package from me, and they sped away," she said. Police are investigating the case while "laughing at the stupidity of the robbers", according to Chutian City Papers. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2464125.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== "According to a New Jersey poll, 92% of married women say they would marry the same man...Mel Gibson." --- Jay Leno =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: No more noise and slowdown Dear Webby, You were absolutely right! My computer must be the cat hair and dust bunny filter for the entire neighborhood! After I got over the initial shock, it was actually fun to root around in there and clean around all the mysterious chps and things. This afternoon, even though it was hotter than last week, the computer never went into that noisy high speed fan mode and never slowed down. You obviously hit the nail right on the head. Now that I have you nicely buttered up, what is your opinion of RoboForm? How difficult is it to syncronize it with my laptop, so that I have the same information on both machines? Some friends say it's OK, but my daughter and her friend tell me to stay away from it. Elvira Dear Elvira RoboForm is quite OK. You can set it so secure that the FBI can't hack into it, or as casual as you want it. If you just store passwords for a bunch of different recipe clubs or surveys, then you can use minimum security and never have to enter your password to use it. Syncronizing is a snap. It's so obvious that you don't even have to read the instructions. It downloads GoodSync and installs it. When it opens, everything is greyed out except ANALYZE. So you hit that and it shows you what you have on each machine and whether the updating goes to the laptop or to the desktop. You can exclude stuff, if you want. Then SYNC lights up, and when you hit that, it updates both machines so that they both have exactly the same (newest) user names and passwords. I have used RoboForm for many years and never had any problem or lost passwords. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Kudos to officer Moore ... August 15, 2007 - Elko County, Nevada - Ananova A US woman has been arrested for drunk driving - after being pulled over by her husband. Off-duty sheriff's deputy Charlotte Moore, 36, was driving her Pontiac car when she was pulled over by husband and fellow sheriff’s deputy Mike Moore. Mr. Moore called for back-up after his wife allegedly drove off without giving a breath test. He left after colleagues arrived. Two separate accounts of the incident by Mr. Moore indicate his wife was either speeding or making an illegal turn when he pulled her over, according to a police report. Mrs. Moore, 36 of Elko County, Nevada, is a jail deputy and 11-year veteran of the sheriff’s office, reports the Elko Daily Free Press. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2464030.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Polishing a Stainless Steel Sink Put a tablespoon of flour in a dry sink and rub it against the bottom and walls of the sink. Then rinse out the flour and dry the sink with a clean rag. A few tablespoons of baking soda also works well for this. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know." ============================================= IF YOU CAN *Never pretend to be something you're not *Sleep without the aid of drugs, relax without liquor * Be lively, without caffeine in your coffee *Be cheerful, ignore all those aches and pains * Forgive, in seconds any hurt or wrong done to you *Never complain or go on needlessly about how hard your life is * Be so grateful with the smallest amount of attention *Allow people to hug you when they want to * Enjoy your food, stop when you're full *When a friend is having a horrible day, sit beside them, offer your support by just being quiet *Never feel the need to tell lies or use deceit *Always greet your loved ones at the door with complete happiness that they have come home safe to be with you If you can do these things, then you are almost as good as your dog. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Thanks to Billy-Bob for this story: My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself...."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lavender Landscape =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Computer getting noisy 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 20, 2007
=========================================

Politics is not the art of the possible.
It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice.
--- William Jennings Bryan

=========================================

Thanks to Diane for this story:
In a small mid western conservative town, a new bar/tavern
started a building to open up their business. The local
Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from
opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before
opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned
to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after
that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that
the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of
his building, either through direct or indirect actions or
means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any
connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked
over the paperwork at the hearing and commented,
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this,
but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar
owner who believes in the power of prayer,
and an entire church congregation that doesn't.

=========================================

 "What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife,
"my  tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?"

 "What I love most about you,"
 responded the man's wife, "is your hilarious sense of humor."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Thanks to linda for this story: In high school I was always self-conscious about my height. Once I was asked out by a lifeguard. I had never stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes, one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's, and run upstairs to let me know which pair of shoes to wear. When heard the doorbell, I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me: "Go barefoot." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips, no more wintering down South, no more summers up North, no more spare car in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to boneheads at large in Tayside, Scottland Dear police,... August 17, 2007 - Scotland, UK - The Scotsman The police force yesterday revealed some of the more unusual requests made to them in the past two years. Tayside Police showed under Freedom of Information (FOI) legislation that officers were asked if police dogs used treadmills or exercise machines to stop them becoming overweight, what a beggar's average daily income is and how many parking tickets are given to foreign nationals. Other bizarre questions submitted to the force included a request for information about an incident in which a flowerpot was "criminally damaged". Another was for details of how many Dundee taxi drivers accessed internet paedophilia sites between the hours of 4am and 7am. The force was also asked whether it employed psychics to help with the work it carries out. A spokeswoman confirmed they did not. The health of police dogs seemed a particular cause for concern. As well as being quizzed over their exercise regime, the force was also asked whether the animals became travel-sick, and if so, how they overcame it. More common requests include applications for information about speed cameras, sex offenders and general offences. Details of the unusual requests are contained in a report to be placed before the Tayside Joint Police Board, which meets in Perth next week. The report says FOI requests cost the force tens of thousands of pounds a year. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1298562007 =========================================== Correction on yesterday's picture: That was from this year's Chinese Lantern Festival in Toronto, Canada. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to my dad for this picture of his Albicans cactus: Today is Dad's 84th birthday. 1024x 768: http://webby.com/humor/i/Albicans-1024.JPG =========================================== During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Little Johnny's mother was horrified. She pinched him and told him to be silent. After church she asked, "Johnny, whatever made you do such a thing?" Little Johnny said quite honestly, "I asked God to teach me how to whistle and all of a sudden, He did!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: Noisy computer Dear Webby, My computer works fine in the morning, but in the afternoon it gets noisy and most programs slow down. The wanna-be son-in-law who claims to be a computer guru, said it's just getting old and that he would give me $50 trade-in value for it if I bought a new $1600 computer from him. My computer is only two years old, and in the morning is still quite a speed demon. What's the real story? Elvira Dear Elvira That guy is not a guru, he is a gooron, or a crook. Or possibly both. Your computer is simply overheating in the afternoon, because it has not been cleaned out for a long time. Take the side cover off. If you can do that and comfortably lie down on the floor in front of it, do it there, otherwise unplug everything and set the computer on top of some spread newspapers on the kitchen table. Then take the vaccum cleaner with the furniture crevice tool attached and clean out all the dust bunnies and dirt. lean the heat sinks with Q-tips. "Heat Sinks" are those finned metal blocks that cover the CPU and other hard working chips. Some heatsinks have shrouds over them. Those can normally be removed wihout any tools. Just look at them and push on different sides and places. They are a bit tricky, but any woman, who can take a food processor apart and put it back together, has a huge advantage over men who have not acquired that skill. The heat sinks under shrouds frequently look rather gross, but no worse than the inside of a stove exhaust hood. Fold a kleenex or paper towel around a business card or credit card and slide it between the fins to clean them. If they don't come perfectly clean with just that, drip some rubbing alcohol onto the paper. Don't think of the project as a tedious nuisance. Consider it a battle against the evil dust bunnies in their secret castle and it's a fun ten minutes. Afterwards your computer will run fine all day and never get so hot that the fans go into noisy overdrive or that it slows down the CPU because it is getting too hot. When you put the computer back, put it onto some bricks or old phone books to raise the dust bunny entrance portal a bit above the floor. And don't forget to tell your daughter that her pet gooron is an idiot. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 16, 2007 - Devon, Netherlands - Ananova A Dutch family have spent their holidays on the same Devon campsite every year for half a century. The Plomp family have been travelling the 500 miles from their home near Amsterdam to the tranquil spot near Exmouth since 1957, reports the Daily Mirror. And this October, Hans and Margaret Plomp, who recently celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary, will be making their 50th journey to the Devon Cliffs holiday park. The couple will be accompanied by two of their four children - son William, 57, and his wife Regina, and daughter Pauline, 59, with her husband William. Hans first took his family to the resort after a friend recommended the place. "We all slept in a big tent with one room for the children and the other for me and Margaret," says Hans. "Back then, there were only a few tents and about 30 caravans. We had sheep grazing around the tents. It was beautiful with lovely hilly countryside and meadows." Today, the spot is now a Haven Holiday park. It boasts an indoor and outdoor pool, an all-weather sports court, a luxury spa, adventure golf, amusement arcade, shops, takeaways and restaurants. Thanks to their frequent visits, Hans and Margaret are regarded as regulars in the congregation at the local church and are good friends with many of the staff at Devon Cliffs. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2465607.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using a Plunger In a Bathroom Sink One problem with using a plunger in a bathroom sink is that the plunger can not create a true seal because of the overflow opening. Before plunging, cover the overflow with a piece of tape or hold a cloth against it. This will allow the plunger to do it's work efficiently. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo. ============================================= MARE SAYS THANKS The old dog rarely left the farm. He preferred to stay near the old grey mare in the pasture. No one could ride that horse. Many had tried, spitting out a mouthful of dirt plus enduring a a very bruised body. The mare liked kids and the old dog. She had her own ideas on how to live her life. When she saw the kids with the old dog heading out on a short ten minute hike into town, she would jump the fence to join them. It was a strange procession. The kids strolling down the shady streets of the small town, the mare behind, followed by the dog. Right down to the Dairy Queen. They would order cones for themselves, a small bowl for the dog, and a large bowl of soft ice-cream for the mare, with a spoon please. Her eyes half closed, she would open her mouth to take one full spoonful at a time. It was a bit messy, but who cared. She loved the stuff. When kids, dog and horse finished, they headed for home. But first, the kids climbed onto the mare's back. She would go at her own pace, walking along with her cargo of small ones, the dog padding along quietly beside her. It was the only time she would allow anyone on her back. Only on the trip home, after her dish of ice cream, were the kids allowed on. Horses can be very polite critters, this was just her way of saying, "Thanks, I really enjoyed that, now hop on and I'll carry you home!" Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle- aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on...!"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Beef =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: IE Status Line problem 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 19, 2007
=========================================

Inspirations never go in for long engagements;
they demand immediate marriage to action."
--- Brendan Francis

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.
--- Ralph Waldo Emerson

=========================================

Two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting
for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the
wait.

The child was about six years old.  She was snub nosed,
spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and
bespectacled.  She maintained a deep silence and the two
ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not
very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm quite
s - m - a - r - t  and I can  s - p - e - l - l...."

=========================================

A sad-faced Todd walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece,
based on the look on Todd's face, but soon realized his
assumption was wrong as Todd asked for a basket of
flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette or a redhead ?" "Neither. Her grandfather is bald." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Thanks to Cookie for this story from her recent visit to New York: Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store ... as yet, the store isn't ready... only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "Whacha y'all sellin' here?" With a sly smile, one of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here." Without skipping a beat, the rebel says, "Well, ah see y'all're doing right good, you only got two left!" =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Florin Radu Hretu, 27, from Pascani, Romania OOOPS, wrong excuse! August 15, 2007 - Pascani, Romania - Ananova A Romanian man has been sacked after his mother visited him at work - minutes after he told his boss she had just died. Florin Radu Hretu, 27, from Pascani in Iasi county, had just asked to borrow some money to pay for her funeral. He has given the equivalent of £150 but had to immediately pay it back when his mother turned up a few minutes later. He was also fired and is also being investigated by police for fraud. A spokesman for the prosecutor's office, Liviu Beceru, said: "The young man tried to defend himself saying he received a call in which he was being informed about his mother death but refused to say who that person was." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2464094.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture from the 2007 Lantern Festival in China =========================================== Thanks to Cindy for this story: When I lived with my parents a few years ago, I came home from work and found the back door open and our indoor-dog outside; very strange. Turns out my Mom had come home for lunch, let the dog out, forgot about him, left the door open and her book she was reading at the time on the kitchen table: 12 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Theo Re: MSIE Status line unprdictable Dear Webby, Some of the time my MSIE browser shows the URL of links that the mouse is hovering over, but sometimes it doesn't. At first I thought those were spoofed links, but it does it with perfectly good links too. Firefox shows the URLs in the status bar for those links quite OK. Is this a bug or something that can be fixed? Theo Dear Theo Yes, it is a MSIE bug, and no, it can't be fixed. I guess it's not predictable enough to let anybody pinpoint the exact cause. It's a fairly new bug and probably due to Microoft trying to sneak MSIE7 "features" into MSI6 behind your back. You can minimize the occurrence of this bug by avoiding ALL third party tool bars. In addition to that, in the advanced settings for Tools, Intenet Options, put a checkmark on "Show friendly URLs". The status bar message will be verbose, and instead of showing just the link, will say "shortcut to filename at URL", but it will show just about all URLs. I know it's klutzy, but until they fix it, that's the best I can come up with. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 16, 2007 - Alton, Ohio - IBS A man who had been missing in the New Hampshire woods since Sunday was found alive Tuesday afternoon after his dog led rescuers near his location. Fish and Game Department officials said that Chuck Schultz, 64, was hiking with his German shepherd in some woods near a hiking trail. An officer saw his pickup truck parked near the woods Sunday morning and became concerned when the vehicle was still there Monday afternoon. "The vehicle was parked there with a dog crate in the back," Fish and Game Lt. Jim Goss said. "He frequents the area to walk, and the dog crate was left open as if he and the dog had gone for a walk." Rescue teams had been searching for Schultz since Monday but were unable to locate him until his dog, Miss Moosey, emerged from the woods Tuesday afternoon. The dog was nervous and aggressive, but Nancy Lyon, a member of New England K-9 Search and Rescue, said she was able to gain Miss Moosey's trust. "I went up the trail a bit and tried to make myself smaller and make myself interesting enough so she felt could safely come to me, so I sat on the ground," Lyon said. Knowing that Miss Moosey had been in the woods for at least two days, Lyon offered her jars of meat baby food. "She came over at first and didn't want food," Lyon said. "Then, she decided she could take the food." Lyon was able to put a leash on the dog, who started leading searchers back into the woods. Miss Moosey led them to a spot on the trail, and a K-9 with the Fish and Game Department was able to pick up Schultz's scent from there. He was about 830 feet off the trail. "He is alive, though he seems to be dehydrated, disoriented," Goss said. Crews took Schultz out of the woods on an all-terrain vehicle, and he was placed in an ambulance. His family said that he was doing well but is still recovering in a hospital. Miss Moosey is being cared for by friends until she can be reunited with Schultz. http://www.kirotv.com/family/13898809/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get Rid of Monthly Storage Fees Sort through your storage unit and keep what you want, but sell or give the rest to the needy. Get out of paying those monthly storage fees! That's money wasted that you could have invested or used for vacation. A storage locker for 5 years at $75 a month would cost $4,500! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== I'm used to do some locksmithing and still get called out for all types of emergencies. Just this morning, I received a call from a young lady telling me she had locked her keys in her truck. She was very frantic, as she had to get to work. I told her the cost, found out where she was, and I was on my way. Since she told me she thought the keys were in the truck (but couldn't remember for sure where she had put them,) I began working on opening the passenger door of her truck. As I was maneuvering my tool to unlock the door, I looked across at the driver door and noticed... it was unlocked. Without a word, I walked around and opened the door for her. 'Thank you!' she said. 'I didn't even know you could unlock the driver's door from the passenger side.'" ============================================= BETTER MANAGEMENT I was in a hurry, late for a meeting some two hundred miles away. The weather was lovely. I decided to take my black Lab along for the ride. She would be allowed into the meeting with me. Opening the back door to the car, the lab jumped in. Hoping not to get pulled over for speeding, I made good time, arriving only a few minutes late. I let the dog out, but, there was something very wrong. My dog had a patch of white on her chest. This black lab was a male, and, oh no, he was my neighbour's dog! I phoned her on my cell. She was laughing so hard she could hardly speak. My dog was sitting patiently in my driveway, two hundred miles away, while her dog had enjoyed the ride. Her black lab enjoyed the meeting, the pats on his head, while I kept my mouth shut. There was no way on this earth I was going to admit what I had done. The meeting I went to was, "How to Better Manage Your Life While Boosting Your Memory!" Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: China =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Filter for spam with no text 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 18, 2007
=========================================

Anyone who has never made a mistake
has never tried anything new.
--- Albert Einstein

=========================================

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman)

"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing,
but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests,
is absolutely round."  (Tony Crozier)

=========================================

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as
a present for his girlfriend.  "Shall I engrave her name on it?"
the jeweler asked.

The young man thought for a moment, and said, "No, just
engrave the words - To My  One And Only Love - Forever!
That way, if we break up, I can use it again."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be . . . until the looting started. ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Mrs. Spiegel was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Spiegel, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the British Government Not Dead August 15, 2007 - Bournemouth, Dorset, UK - Ananova A Bournemouth grandfather was shocked to be told his pension and benefits had been stopped - because he was dead. Officials told Norman Barlow, 73, it was because he was registered as dead on their computer, reports the Dorset Echo. Fuming daughter Gail Millatt says she has also discovered that her father, who has had a stroke and has diabetes, has also had his Motability vehicle payments stopped. Gail said: "Dad said: 'Gail I don't think I've got as much money as I thought I had'. "So we phoned them up and asked them why he hadn't been paid. They said they couldn't find his file and said they were going to look into it. "Then we had a knock on the door. It was quite a shock when they told us that the reason he hadn't been paid is that he is dead. "We are absolutely amazed that somebody could be classed as dead when clearly they are not. When my mum passed away we had to prove she was dead. "I have never been so angry in all my life. He's got no money and is overdrawn and has to pay interest." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2463973.html?menu= Actually, that's not so rare in England. There were a few prior bonehad awards for similar incidents. =========================================== Thanks to all who sent this cartoon. I was surprised to see it arrive from three continents all within the same hour. =========================================== A dog named Sex----- Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy", I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said,"I'd like one too!" then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room . As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."" The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore." When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said,"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said,"This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married , Sex left me. He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot people." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Victor Re: Spam with just pictures or exe files Dear Webby, I am getting inundated with spam that has no text, just pictures or PDF or exe files. Every time I make a new filter, they seem to come up with a new file type. How do you deal with those? Victor Dear Victor That spam is generated by a virus. I don't really want to dump mail that has pictures attached, so I looked for a typo or anomaly typical for that type of spam. Since most spammers are rather dumb, it's usually quite easy to find something that you don't see in legitimate emails. With this filter I use an abnormal head to body boundary as the trigger. This filter dumps about 2000 spams from my mail per day, unseen, automatically. If the entire header contains "="----=_" or "----------bound--" then automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 17, 2007 - Rochester, New York - Gimundo Before Sam Clanton was born, his parents painstakingly painted and decorated his room, filling it with images of Winnie the Pooh that were sure to put a smile on their new baby's face. Sadly, Sam was born with Peter's Anomaly, a rare congenital disease that has left him virtually blind. But thanks to Dr. James Aquavella of the University of Rochester Eye Institute, that's all about to change. Dr. Aquavella is one of the few doctors in the world whose work is dedicated to providing corneal implants to children. Parents have brought their blind or sight-impaired children from as far as France and Italy to take advantage of this miraculous procedure. After the corneal implants, "all of a sudden, these kids can see. Even if they can't see much, they walk around and it's an enormous impact. I don't have words to describe it," Dr. Aquavella told WHEX-10 in Rochester. On Monday, Dr. Aquavella will operate on baby Sam, allowing him to see for the first time in his young life. His parents can't wait. "To actually have him point and say ‘dada,' that would be wonderful," said Sam's father, Jon Clanton. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... d_Children
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Drying Wet Shoes Don't put wet shoes near a heat source, this can shrink your shoes. You want to dry shoes at room temperature. Fill the shoes with newspaper or cloth to absorb the moisture in the inside. Change the newspaper or cloth and replace with dry every few hours until dry. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. ============================================= STOP MEANS GO! The rancher had trained "Stop," his Border Collie, a working ranch dog. The man was very pleased with himself. He didn't believe in using whistles, or verbal commands to train, only hand signals. They went to a local farm animal auction. Pens were full of bleating sheep, restless cattle, a few horses, plus a very irate Brahma bull. Stop sat on the floor beside his owner, his bright eyes missing nothing. The auction began. Stop was startled by the loud auctioneer. However his body tensed. He saw many hands going up, down, waving, and the stock animals were coming through the ring. Hand signals. He had to go to work! To the dog, some hands waving meant, 'bring animals to the gate, ' but then he would hear his name called, "Stop" Another set of hands, that meant, 'go out, open a gate, let the bull out.' Or did it mean,' let the sheep out then round them up?' No, he was called, "Stop," so he trotted back to his owner. Wonder why all those men are climbing the fence? He'd put the bull where he was signalled to, plus the cattle, sheep and geese were all together. Finally, the auctioneer bellowed, "Whoever owns that damn dog, git him outa here!" He waved his hand, Stop got really excited, that signal meant, 'run hard.' He did, the bull ran, the building emptied, the rancher snuck out the back door with his trained dog. On the ride home Stop hung his head out the window. Life was good. His owner also hung his head, so no one would see the dog Stop was his! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Thaks to Kati for this story: The lady was a Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant. When they sat down, the gentleman asked, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" After dinner he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, and he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahh, mmmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said with anticipation! The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there ,drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing... whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Idioms, Why you Say, What you Say =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: printer for Windows 98 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 17, 2007 
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
=========================================

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which,
more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome.
--- William James

=========================================

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a
witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up."

=========================================

"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home.
"I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a
polar bear..."

Several months later came another letter:
"Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday
I danced with a hula girl..."

Two weeks later came yet another note:
"Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday
the doctor told me I should have danced with the
polar bear and shot the hula girl..."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. X: Everybody Gets The Girl. XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel. ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach." "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does, nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!" =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to August 14, 2007 - Miami, Florida - AP A man accidentally shot his accomplice in the eye Sunday during a botched robbery attempt, authorities said. The two suspects, who were not identified, attempted to rob security guard Corey Tully at a BrandsMart USA parking lot at 4:40 a.m, Miami-Dade police said. One of the robbers pointed a gun at Tully and directed him to the ground, he told The Miami Herald. Tully was struggling with the armed man when the accomplice came up from behind and tried to take him down to the ground. The gun fired and hit the accomplice in the eye, authorities said. The two men fled in a car with three others, but later went to a hospital to get the wounded man treated. The man was listed in critical condition, Miami-Dade police spokesman Robert Williams said. Hospital staff alerted police and the four men were arrested, Williams said. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... ed_robbery =========================================== =========================================== An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donnie Re: Win 98 compatible cheap printer Dear Webby, A friend needs a new inexpensive printer for an older Dell CPU running Windows 98. Do you have any suggestions as to priners for which we can still find 98 drivers? Thanks for your newsletter and all of your tech tips and help. Donnie Stuart Pastor, Rock Bluff Baptist Church Mississippi Dear Donnie The Brother DCP110C 4-function printer (4-in-1 colour inkjet printer, scanner, copier and PhotoCapture Center) for CDN $79 (about US $69) is probably his best bet. It has 4 separate ink tanks, so there is no need to buy an expensive multi-color cartridge just because black is empty. At my ink supplier, Atlantic Inkjet.com cartridges for the Brother DCP110C list at under $5 each and $18 for a set of 4. Naturally, it's not a $1200 speed demon, but it's fast enough for a small office. In low res mode (for printing invoices, drafts and office copies) it does 20 pages per minute. High res (photos and presentation quality fliers) is about 3-4 pages per minute, which is quite acceptable. The input tray holds 100 sheets of regular paper, a bit less of thick photo paper. It has all the drivers for WINDOWS 98, 98SE, 2000, ME, XP. All things considered, that would be his best value for the money, as long as he has a USB port. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 16, 2007 - Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania - AP A broken automated teller machine refused to deliver cash and foiled a robbery, police said. Alex Kameroski, 25, of Clarks Summit, told investigators he was starting to withdraw money at an ATM in the Abington Shopping Center just before midnight Monday when a car pulled up and two men got out. Kameroski said he felt a gun pressed into his side, and one of the men said, "Max out your card." As he nervously tried to withdraw money with no success, the two men got jumpy and left, Kameroski said. South Abington Township Police Chief Robert Gerrity said Citizens Bank confirmed Tuesday that the cash machine was broken and said other customers had complained. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... ery_foiled
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiled, "Not bad. Quite cute, actually! But this till won't work until I talk the manager into rebooting the computer." ============================================= HARD HOUSE TO SELL It was a beautiful home. Paul, a real estate agent was showing the house to an older couple. who he felt would appreciate it. Fluffy white carpet throughout, a massive fireplace, perfect for a childless couple. For some reason, every time Paul showed the house, something happened. The last time, a step going up to the porch, had broken in half, sending an older lady bouncing on her fanny. He opened the door, stepped back to allow the couple to enter, and that's when his sale went bad. Two racoons went flying past the couple. They were black as ink. As they hurtled towards freedom, they left tiny paw prints. They no sooner went out, when a neighbours two large hounds chased the racoons back in. This was great fun. At least for the dogs. It didn't take long to figure out the animals had fallen down the chimney, dislodging a mountain of soot. They had been busy, the entire house, with the white carpet, had been painted with soot. The hounds were braying, the couple shouting at the dogs, Paul was watching his sale go up in smoke. The racoons tried to go back up the chimney to escape the dogs. It only sent clouds of soot into the air, clinging to the senior couple and the agent. Across the street, two small boys lay under a tree, giggling. One said to the other, "See, I told ya, if we stuck those old racoons down the chimney, it would scare those old people away. He added, "We only have to do this kinda stuff, till the guy brings a family around that has kids!" Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G) "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to ordor sunteen? G: "Uh. Yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: Ow July den?" G: "What?" RS: "Ow July den?..pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "NO? July one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'july one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!..why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow slinglish moppin we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast'. Fine. Yes, and English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G. "I mean butter..just put it on the side." RS: Copy?" G: "Sorry." RS: "Copy..tea..mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish moppin we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tenjewberrymud." G: "You're welcome."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Weather Vanes =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Subscription problems at AOL 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 16, 2007
=========================================

History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte

History is the version of past events
that the winners have decided to agree upon.
--- Dwight D Eisenhower

=========================================

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
  and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
  not try to understand her at all.

=========================================

A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles
university was quizzing a group of students on
Red Cross life saving and water safety
techniques.
They answered all of her questions easily until
she posed this one:
"Which article of clothing would you remove
last if you fell from a boat or dock fully
clothed?"
Everyone mentioned something different. It
was evident that no one knew the correct
answer, so the instructor helped out.
"The blouse," she said, "because the air gets
under the blouse and acts like a buoy!"

The subsequent uproar ended the class.

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." They all ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then, after glancing at his gnarled hands on the steering wheel he quietly replied, "I haven't moved." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Juanita Marie Jones, 53 of Rochelle, Georgia Too dopey for dope August 14, 2007 - Rochelle, Georgia - AP A woman was arrested after she called police to help "get her money back" after she was unhappy with the crack cocaine she purchased. Juanita Marie Jones, 53, called Rochelle Police late Thursday night after she purchased what she thought was a $20 piece of crack cocaine, according to police reports. She told officers she broke the rock into three pieces and smoked one, only to discover the drugs were "fake." She took Officer Joel Quinn and Deputy John Shedd of the Wilcox County Sheriff's Office into her kitchen and showed them the drugs, police said. She was promptly arrested on charges of possession of cocaine. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... fake_drugs =========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?" He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tuck Re: Not getting subscription Dear Webby, This is the second week that i'm not getting the Humor letter. Don't know what's going on, know you are sending them just not getting them. Got this one after I replyed last week, but not any since this one. Whats going on. Tuck Dear Tuck Your subscription is being sent out towards you every day. Either you or AOL are blocking it. You will have to talk to AOL support Or get gmail. Let me know if you want a referral. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 14, 2007 - West Orange New Jersey - AP A New Jersey cat may have only eight lives left after it survived a house fire by hiding in the couch. Firefighters initially thought the feline, who belonged to one of the tenants in the two-story house, had been killed by flames and smoke Saturday night. But after putting out the blaze and surveying the damage, they found the cat wedged into the couch. "To our amazement, it had survived," Fire Chief Peter Smeraldo told The Star-Ledger of Newark. "They should change that cat's name to Lucky." No one was injured, and the cat's owner, who was ecstatic to have the animal back, took the cat to stay at a relative's house. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... t_in_couch
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Razor Blades in Matchbooks Empty matchbooks can be used to store razor blades. Just insert the razor blade into the bottom part of the matchbook. The strike plate can even be used to sharpen the blade in a pinch. Mark the matchbook so you know what's in it. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?" Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair." Friend: "But your husband is still alive." Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone." ============================================= RULES FOR BRAND NEW PUPS TO LEARN I will not wake up mommy by sticking my icy cold nose against her bottom end. My house does not have a doorbell, therefore I will not bark madly when I hear one on TV I will not steal my mom's undies and dash down the block with them while she chases me in her PJ's. I will learn eventually that humans do not believe my head belongs in the refrigerator, diaper pail or that wonderful cat pan full of crunchie's With time, I will get the idea that it is not nice in my human's eyes to eat cat food, either from the cat's dish or after kitty eats it Even if my human's children laugh, I must really learn that it is not a proper thing to do, to bite the landlord's leg when he comes to collect the rent. I will practice daily how to look cute and loveable while learning how to get my own way. This is a very important puppy rule! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Strange Cheese Pictures =============================================
.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Stop IE from reverting to wrong font size 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 15, 2007
=========================================

There’s a myth that time is money. In fact, time is more
precious than money. It’s a nonrenewable resource.
Once you’ve spent it, and if you’ve spent it badly,
it’s gone forever."
— Neil Fiore

=======================================

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending
a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her
license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that
being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors
would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the
locked door.
The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I didn't realize how much longer it
takes to get here within the speed limit.."

=======================================

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier
staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to
$16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited
for change.

"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned
the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79,
and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Sir. We can't accept anything larger than a
fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kasey G. Kazee, 24, from Huntington, W.Virginia Sent in by Ross Dumbest use of duct tape A man who had his head wrapped in duct tape to conceal his identity walked into the liquor store last Friday, police said. Store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own, but his was wrapped around a wooden club that sent the robber fleeing, according to a report by WSAZ-TV in Huntington, W.Va. Store employee Craig Miller said he chased the man to the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a choke position until police arrived. An unidentified customer also helped, police said. Kazee, a bit worse for wear after the scuffle in the parkinglot. Kasey G. Kazee, 24, was charged with first-degree robbery. Kazee, in an interview with the TV station, denied he was the bandit who robbed the store of two rolls of change. Kazee pleaded not guilty Monday in Boyd County District Court and was ordered held under a $250,000 cash bond. http://www.wsaz.com =========================================== =========================================== You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "The first three times my wife didn't like the color." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: IE reverting to wrong font size Dear Webby, Why do you state to 'stack upside down'? Secondly, Every time I open MS Internet Explorer I must change the text size from small to medium. How do I save the medium text setting to preclude changing it daily. Thank you Frank Dear Frank 1) The smarter coolers are a bit wider at the open end, so that you can stack them inside each other. Especially for desert or water trips, where you want to keep the dust or the water out of your stuff, coolers are very handy suitcases. Before you know it, you have accumulated a big pile of them. If you stack them upside down in the off-season, dew and dust won't accumulate in them. 2) IE will take whatever font size the program used before it had been using, or the last program before it that had a font change setter built in. Just change the overall font size through Desktop, Properties, Appearance, Settings, Advanced, DPI settings. Experiment to find the ideal font size for your eyes and monitor distance, without having to change the IE setting. Chances are that the program, which had been leaving it's font settings for IE to trip over, will now appear to have larger fonts, but they will be easier to cope with than too small fonts in IE. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 14, 2007 - Kirkcubrightshire, UK - The Scotsman Fiona Boyd, 40, feared she was going to be crushed to death by the half-tonne cow after it kicked her to the ground, then rolled on top of her. She had been about to guide the normally placid animal and its calf towards a shed when the cow suddenly attacked. She believes she survived only because her horse, Kerry, raced to the rescue and kicked the cow until it moved off her. Yesterday, Mrs Boyd said: "I am in no doubt Kerry saved me. If she hadn't been grazing in the same pasture, I really believe I would have been killed. Kerry was fantastic. She saved my life." The drama unfolded as Mrs Boyd, a mother of two, was alone at home on her family farm at Chapmanton, near Castle Douglas, Kirkcudbrightshire. She had been cooking tea in the farmhouse when she heard the cries of a young calf in distress. When she went outside, she saw the calf had become separated from its mother and could not find her among the other cows in the herd. She decided to move the calf and its mother into a shed together, but as she approached the calf, its mother finally heard its distressed cries and charged at Mrs Boyd, knocking her to the ground. As she tried to get to her feet, the cow butted her and shouldered her again to the ground, before dropping its full weight on top of her. Winded and in great pain, she rolled up into a ball - fearing she was about to be killed. As she scrambled for cover, she saw her 15-year-old chestnut mare kicking wildly at the cow. As the horse hit out at the cow, Mrs Boyd managed to crawl 20ft to safety under an electric fence. Despite her ordeal Mrs Boyd escaped serious injury. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1280312007
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Eliminate Food Waste Make sure to freeze leftovers if you don't think you will be able to eat them soon. Don't buy more dairy, fruits or vegetables than you can eat before they go bad. When you buy meat, always have a plan for it. Return foods to the grocery store that spoil before their expiration date.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water," said the boy. ============================================= WITH LOVE, FROM CLEM The campaign for mayor was going full force. There were two men running for the position, Doug and Matt. The final speeches were due that night. Matt, a bachelor was ready. Doug? Well he had a wife, kids plus a dog that was slowly turning his hair grey. Whenever he walked into his house, he listened to a long string of what Clem, their dog had done wrong that day. Clem loved to chew things to bits. Nothing was safe, furniture, the interior of the car, boots, the fishiing gear in the garage. The dog had even developed a liking for the bark on the young trees planted that spring. When Doug arrived home to get dressed for the final debate, he caught Clem polishing off on end of an oar, plus he had chomped his way through a rubber raft. Doug angrily informed his family that he was givng Clem away. Meanwhile, he hurried into his best suit, dashed out to the car, parked it, then went right on stage. He bustled around making sure the chairs were in line. Each time he turned his back to the people, he was puzzled to hear whistles. His wife dragged him off the stage, ordering him to strip his pants off. He was shocked. She never acted like this! She yanked his trousers down, showing him the entire seat of the pants had been chewed out, revealing some interesting under wear. Clem again! Doug won the election. His wife felt it was because the people liked a man who was comfortable wearing bright pink boxer shorts, with small angel dogs floating on them. The family had wrapped them up as a Father's Day gift, with love, from Clem! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage." The Texan asks, "What's a shortage?" The Russian asks, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker asks, "What the bloody hell does 'excuse me' mean?" ========================================
Thanks to Cookie for today's Bonus Link: Tree Carvings
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Quick Shutdown 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 14, 2007
=========================================

A leader is a dealer in hope.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte

=======================================

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business
trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at
his hotel if there's any place to get any other type of food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place
that delivers nearby. Back in his room, the businessman
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery boy shows up at the door.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably.
"What the hell did you put on this pizza?" he asks.
The deliveryman bows deeply.
"Just what you orda, sir: 'pepper only.'"

=======================================

In a small town in the Northeast, there is a rather sizable
factory that hires only married men. Concerned that the
factory might be practicing discrimination, a local woman
calls on the manager and asks him, "Why is it you limit your
employees to married men? Is it because you think women
are weak? Dumb? Cantankerous? What?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replies. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut
and don't pout when I yell at them."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

An aged farmer and his wife are leaning against the edge of
their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalls that the
next week will mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggests.
"We can kill a pig."

The farmer scratches his grizzled head.
"Gee," he says, "I don't see why the pig should take the
blame for something that happened 50 years ago."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tom Beech, 20, of Wokingham, Berkshire, UK Public Sniveling is career limiting August 9, 2007 - Wokingham, Berkshire, UK - Ananova An Argos worker got sacked for criticising his bosses on a website. Tom Beech, 20, was so fed-up after a bad day at work so he logged on to Facebook the social networking site and set up I Work At Argos And Can't Wait To Leave Because It's Sh**. But his furious bosses found out half-an-hour later and told him to shut down his posting, which attracted just three people, reports The Sun. Tom was suspended from his £6.55 ($13.17) an-hour job in Wokingham, Berkshire. A disciplinary hearing later sacked him for gross misconduct. Tom said: "I'm stunned they've fired me for this. I had a really bad day and was feeling overworked and under-paid. "My mistake was to sound off on Facebook. I wish I'd moaned at a mate." Tom plans to appeal and denied setting up a new group on Facebook called Argos Has Ruined My Life. Argos confirmed Tom was sacked after "placing inappropriate entries on Facebook." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2453429.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture. Her car ? =========================================== The old family doctor still makes house calls. One afternoon he is called to a house where a housewife is in terrible pain. He goes into the bedroom to examine her. The doctor comes out of the bedroom after only a minute and asks her husband, "Do you have a hammer?" The puzzled husband goes to the garage and returns with a hammer. The doctor thanks him and goes back into the bedroom. A minute later, he comes out and asks, "Do you have a chisel?" The husband gets him one. In the next 10 minutes, the doctor asks for and receives a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request gets to the man. "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replies the doctor. "I can't get my instrument bag open." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Andrew Re: Quick Shut-Down Dear Webby, I need a way to quickly shut down a program that frequently locks up. I know I can shut it down by opening the task manager, finding it in there and hitting End. But that is too slow and klutzy. Andrew Dear Andrew Find the exact name of the task in the task manager. Let's say it is "converter" Write a bat with a text editor: @echo off tskill converter echo Converter stopped pause exit Save that to C:\ and make a shortcut icon to it. Then go into the properties of that shortcut and assign a Hotkey, for example ALT C. From then on, hitting ALT C or clicking that icon will instantly end that program, no matter how badly stuck it is. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Feldkirch, Austria - UPI A British woman has given birth in Austria to a rare set of identical triplets. Doctors say identical triplets occurs in only one in 150,000 pregnancies, although many of those are not carried to term because of the increased risk of complications, The Times of London said Wednesday. The three little girls -- Amy, Kim and Zoë -- were born Monday to Mae Christina Astley at Feldkirch State Hospital in western Austria. The father is Austrian, the newspaper said http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-222216-280610 --------------------- Feldkirch is the town where I went to College and University, a long time ago. The morning after the last exam, I emigrated to North America.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Used Paint Thinner Put used paint thinner into a glass or metal container with a tight fitting lid. The paint particles will sink to the bottom, leaving you with clear paint thinner towards the top. Just pour off the clear paint thinner and discard the paint particles at the bottom.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== Three ministers are having lunch one day and complain about sudden infestations of bats in their churches. "I've had those things in my loft and attic all summer," one says. "I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." "Yeah, me too," the second minister says. "I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away." "I had a problem with them, too," the third minister says. "But I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since." ============================================= NEW BREEDS OF DOGS Another dog lover sent these giggles to me, I have to share them! PEKINGESE & LHASO APSO = Peekasso, an abstract dog COLLIE & MALAMUTE = Commute, a dog that travels to work DEERHOUND & TERRIER = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end BLOODHOUND & LABRADOR = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly BLOODHOUND & BORZOI = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not very much fun SPITZ & CHOW CHOW = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot POINTER & SETTER = Poinsetter, a very traditional Christmas gift COLLIE & LHASO APSO = Collapso, a dog that folds up nicely for transport BULLDOG & SHIH TZU = Bullshitz PEKINGESE & DACHSHUND = the Peking Dach, generally owned by Chinese restaurants Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A dad picks his boy up at school to take him to a dental appointment. "Well, son," the father asks, "what happened at school today?" "Dad, I got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 20 years." "That's great, son," the proud father says. "Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canned milk
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Wallpaper resolution 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 13, 2007
=========================================

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
--- Bertrand Russell

=======================================

A man is away on a business trip for a few days, and when
he returns, his wife tells him that the dog really missed him.
"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return,"
she says.
"What an example of true love," her husband replies.
"I wonder if you would be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answers, "if you were gone overnight, and I
didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting
for you at the front door."

=======================================

There are doctors and there are doctors. That's a lesson a
young woman at a barbecue learns when she introduces
herself to another guest.
She had heard him addressed as 'doctor,' so she says,
"Doctor, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he says.
"Well, I have been having a funny pain right here, above
 the heart."
The guest interrupts her, "I'm terribly sorry, but the truth is,
I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," says the young woman, "I'm sorry."
Embarrassed, she turns away, but curiosity gets the better
of her. "Just one more question, Doctor," she says.
"What kind of disease is philosophy?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A well-off young man is moving from apartment to another
a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the carefree way in which the moving
crew yanks his cherished antiques about, he decides he'll
carry a tall grandfather's clock, which he prizes highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he starts for the new house.
But the clock is as tall as its owner and heavy, so he has
to put it down every few feet to rest his arms and mop his
brow. Then he clutches the clock again and staggers on.

He's nearly at the new house when a drunk, who's been
watching the fellow struggle, calls out to him.
"Mischter," he says thickly, "can I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" the exhausted young man says.
"Why the heck don shou carry a watch?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 21 year old woman in Seattle, WA Bimbo Malfunction August 11, 2007 - Seattle, Washington - AP A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he “sucked” before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said. The man was singing “Yellow” when it happened. “It took three or four of us to hold her down,” bartender Robert Willmette said. When she was escorted outside, the 21-year-old woman “went crazy,” Willmette said, throwing punches at him and others, including an off-duty police officer. Patrol officers and detectives then arrived at the neighborhood bar and blocked off the street, which inflamed the woman’s rage even more, a police report said. Before police could handcuff the woman, she headbutted the off-duty officer at least twice. The off-duty officer was treated for cuts, scrapes and bruises. After treatment for injuries, the woman was booked into the King County jail for investigation of assault. She was also held on a warrant issued for a previous theft charge. According to bartender notes, she had only a single shot of Jagermeister. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 25-ap.html =========================================== =========================================== A young fellow just out of medical school moves out to a small community to replace a doctor who is retiring. The older gent suggests the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community can become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." "Well," says the older doctor, "you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they leave the younger man says, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor says, "Pretty clever. I'll have to remember that." Arriving at the next house, they spend several minutes talking with a young woman. She complains that she just doesn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately," she says. "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor tells her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they leave, the older man says, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Wallpaper Dear Webby, that picture is gorgeous! I saved it as wallpaper immediately and it looks great. Why would I need a different version for my monitor? Irene Dear Irene To make the pictures look OK on as many different mail readers as possible, I shrink them down to 550 pixels wide. If you have your monitor set to 2000 x 1500, the wallpaper stretches those 550 pixels to 2000. It still looks OK, but quite flat and washed out when compared to all 2000 original pixels showing. When the wallpaper stretches a picture, it simply fills the mising 1450 pixels with the same colors as the nearest ones, instead of the original ones. 2000 x 1500 are 3 Million pixels 550 x 375 are 206,250 pixels, less than a quarter Million. So, by stretching, you get 1 / 12th of the original pixels, and have 11 / 12th of them filled in with bland approximations. It is well worth it to use an original sized for your monitor. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11, 2007 - North Wales, UK - Ananova A golf-mad family scored a hat-trick of holes-in-one in three days - beating odds of 15 million-to-one. Mum Gill Mackenzie, 45, who has a 27 handicap, got the ball rolling with a perfect 116-yard pitch that flew straight into the 9th. Just 24 hours later husband Ray aced a 115-yard tee shot on the 11th green. Then son Sam, 14, who shares a 16 handicap with his dad, repeated the feat at the 11th hole of the Llanfairfechan Golf Club near the family's home in North Wales. A spokesman for William Hill said the odds of such a hat-trick were "between 10 and 15 million to one". Ray, 47, who took up golf three years ago, said: "The tremendous thing is that Sam had bought a pack of balls for Fathers' Day and we both got the holes-in-one with balls from the pack." Last year Dafydd Owen scored two holes-in-one in one round at the course. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2456288.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Camping Coolers Before storing your coolers between camping trips, wash, dry completely and fill with crumpled newspapers. This will eliminate musty odors and mildew. It also works for camper refrigerators and iceboxes. If the coolers are properly washed with dish soap or water with a little bit of bleach, and then dried open in bright sunlight for a day, they can be stacked upside down in a shed, garage, camper or boat. Fridges are best stored with the door open. If the fridge is big enough for a small kid or pet to crawl in, you are required by law to remove the door or chain it open. Newspapers are still a good idea for hiking boots and fishing boots and waders. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== A father attends a PTA meeting where the principal explains that the school's sex education classes are to begin soon and urges the parents to have some basic discussions with their kids at home first. The father had given his older boy a "birds and bees" talk two years before and wants to spare himself the ordeal again. When he gets home, he calls the boy into the study and asks him to give his younger brother the instruction he had been given two years before. The boy agrees and rushes off to talk with his younger brother. "Hey, bro," he says, "want to know something?" "What?" the younger lad asks. "You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to have kids?" "Yeah?" "Well, Dad wants me to tell you that birds and bees and flowers do the same thing." ============================================= NO SALE TODAY Don was at the lake training his Golden Retriever to fetch plastic ducks he had thrown into the water. Other breeders of highly skilled retrievers were watching. They thought his sweet natured dog was a joke. Telling him to get a "real dog" they continued bating him. Don had two of his Golden's puppies. They sat on the bank watching the entire process with great interest. Once at home, Don had to admit, he really didn't have a bird dog. He had a lovely dog, and two very nice puppies. Some of the men from the lake dropped in to visit, bring their "trained "dogs along. They began a game of fetch with the dogs. Don's dog went every time to get the stick. The other dogs acted bored. The tables turned, when the two puppies came through the hedge from the yard next door. Each of them struggled with their prize. They both had stolen plastic birds from the garden, that were put out for decoration. The trained dogs looked with interest at the puppies. The pups proudly trotted over to Don, dropping the things at his feet. Don had the last laugh. When one of the men asked how much he wanted to sell the pups for, Don just grinned, he was keeping his highly skilled dogs all to himself. No sale today boys! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A little boy comes home from the playground with a bloody nose, a black eye and torn clothing. It is obvious he was in a bad fight and he lost. While his father is patching him up, he asks his son what happened. "Well, Dad," says the boy, "I challenged a kid at school to a duel, and I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," says the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: National Geographic
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: Tonight's Meteor Shower 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 12, 2007
=========================================

Our real problem is not our strength today; it is rather the
vital necessity of action today to ensure our strength tomorrow."
--- Calvin Coolidge

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.
--- Professor Irwin Corey

=======================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift. A
friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans
ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to
fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike
into the back of the trailer, so the driver shuts the doors
and gets on his way.   By this time he is really late and so
puts his foot down.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which
he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to
take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it
and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate
backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires
so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-trailer here with 20,000 Mexican eggs
in it - 2 have hatched and they have already managed to
steal a motorcycle.

=======================================

A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon
she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the
testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time
she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages
removed and the stitches taken out. After examining her,
the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well,
and she seems pleased with his work.
The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in
 a rage. "You know what you did?" she screams.
"You gave me a man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What's wrong?
Can't you hear?"
"I hear everything," she says.
"The problem is I don't understand anything I'm told."

======================================

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Since this is their first party and the wife hasn't done much
cooking, the husband suggests they order out for Chinese
food and she could bake a cake for dessert. She agrees,
but on Friday afternoon, the wife calls her husband in tears.

"The only recipe I can find is for a cake that will feed four,"
she says.
"Why don't you just double the recipe?" her husband asks.

Just before quitting time the husband gets another call from
her, and this time she is frantic.
"I just can't do it," she says. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, I doubled everything, just like you said," she tells him,
"and it's ready to go in the oven."
"Then what's the problem?" he asks.
The wife sobs. "The book says that the cake must be baked
at 350 degrees. I've checked the oven and it doesn't go up to
700 degrees!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Krystian Bala, Warsaw, poland Confession, or publicity stunt? August 11, 2007 - Warsaw, Poland - CNews The media call it the "Murder, He Wrote" trial and it is captivating Polish society in a long hot summer. The case concerns an esteemed author on trial for a murder which provided the plot for one of his novels. Prosecutors claim Krystian Bala killed a friend of his ex-wife and then used details of the crime for his best-seller, Amok. They say descriptions of the ropes used to bind his victim, the torture he suffered before death and the manner in which his life ended were retold in a thriller. Compounding his guilt, claim the prosecution, was the fact that Bala even sent a copy of the novel to the attorney general in Warsaw, as if he was taunting the authorities to arrest him. Ultimately, they did and now he could face up to 25 years in jail if found guilty of murdering Darius Jerzesky. Chief Inspector Jack Wroblewski says he received an anonymous call five years after the body was found in December 2000, "telling me to read Amok, which was published in 2003." Mr Wroblewski read the novel - a tale of how a group of intellectuals delve into sex, drugs and torture - and believed similarities between fact and "fiction" were striking. "The book contains intimate details of the killing that only the killer could have known," added the inspector. Bala claims he has been framed to cover up for a "bungled" police investigation, and says he was tortured by his captors during a day of interrogation. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1255972007 =========================================== Thanks to my dad for sending me this picture: This one bloomed today: Microcarpa-boolii If you want this picture for your wallpaper collection, tell me what resolution you have. I prepared them for 800x600, 1024x768, 1200x900, 1600x1200 and 2000x1500. -------------------- Re yesterday's picture, Jay wrote me: Sunset at Nikumaroro. Photo by John Clauss. Nikumaroro island is part of the Gilbert Islands where Amelia Earhart supposedly crashed. =========================================== Two confirmed bachelors are talking and their conversation drifts from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook last Christmas," says the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asks the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and ...'" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick Re: Mars next spring Dear Webby, "It will be close again next spring, " Sorry, that's not right. It will be closest Christmas Eve, 2007! But you'll need about 120 power to make it as big as a full moon as it will be only 15" of arc across when closest and the moon is about half a degree in diameter. Your one eye on each trick works well that night as Mars will be just to the right of the full moon! By spring it will again be too far for good telescope viewing. Mars comes around about every 2 years and 1 month so next time will be January 29, 2010, then March 3, 2012, and finally April 8, 2014 when it will first be closest in spring. These dates are using Universal Time (used to be GMT) since your readers are around the world. Thanks for mentioning the big as a full moon crap going around. Rick Dear Rick Sorry about that! I'm not a professional astronomer and just took a rough guess based on the fact that Mars currently is on the far side of sun. Currently I am more interested in the Perseids Meteor shower. I'm sure Rick knows all about it, but for the rest of you: Peak will be tonight, Sunday, at 11 PM Pacific, Midnight Central and 2 AM Monday Eastern time. However, don't get hung up on that precise time! It's just that at the peak the shooting stars will be the most frequent, 3 - 4 per minute if you are in the mountains, 1 - 2 per minute if you are in town. Right now, as I am writing this on the laptop out on the deck, they are about 5 minutes apart. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11, 2007 - Wales, UK - CNews Red-haired people are to be offered free entry to a festival celebrating all things ginger. The National Botanic Garden of Wales claims the event on 26 August will be the country's first "Ginger Family Festival". The day will celebrate the opening of the Tropical House at the tourist attraction in Carmarthenshire, which features many exotic examples of the plant family Zingiberaceae, also known as the ginger family. Wearers of comedy ginger wigs will not qualify for free entry. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1253732007
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Hydrogen Peroxide Hydrogen Peroxide is effective for blood stains and other organic stains. It can have a bleaching effect so you will want to pretest it before applying it to any stain. For blood stains on carpet, pour peroxide directly on the stain and blot with clean cloth.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A salesman of many years is tired of his job and gives it up to become a policeman. One day, while he's walking his beat, he meets an old friend who asks him how he likes his new work. "Well," says the salesman-turned-cop, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." ============================================= PRETTY IN PINK In a divorced family, the kids spend part time with each parent. In this case, a 7 year old girl went to spend the summer with her dad, who worked in a motorcycle repair shop. He had a large, tough looking dog that was used as the night guard dog. The man's little girl fell in love with the big brute, who really was a teddy bear with people. She implored her dad to please let the dog stay at the house to play with her. He agreed. If he had only known what she was teaching his dog to do, he would have put a stop to it on the spot. The girl and the dog often walked down town to meet her dad for lunch. He never thought anything of it. The time came for the child to return home to her mom. The dog went back to his night time duty, but he had become used to going to meet his owner for lunch. To the extreme embarrassment of his owner, the first day the dog showed up at noon, caused the men to almost roll on the floor in hilarity. Down the street thundered the huge dog. Looking every inch a dog to be reckoned with, except for one thing. In his mouth he packed a dainty, pink purse. It swung to and fro prettily as he lumbered along. He had done this every day with his little person. To the huge delight of the men, he refused to give up his possession. He had no idea that each day he provide the town with a good laugh. He was a guard dog, he did his duty, even if it included making his owner look a wee bit foolish. As the men said, the dog had the right to look "stylish!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Two sweet young ladies are driving through Louisiana. When they reach the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one asks the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please tell us where we are? We're having trouble deciding how to pronounce it." The Asian looking manager leans over the counter and says, "Goodness Gwacious Mee, you ah at Belga Kink." (Burger King) ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Perseids Star Shower
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Mars in August 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 11, 2007
=========================================

A good friend is a connection to life -
a tie to the past, a road to the future,
the key to sanity in a totally insane world.
--- Lois Wyse

=======================================

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian
at my bank.  The operator asked me what Ian's last name
was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname.
When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she
advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for
her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

=======================================

That reminds me, ... At one bank that I used to deal with,
they had five ladies named Joan. Even though they had
some delightful visual differences, especially two of them,
they all sounded the same on the phone.
Me: .. can I please talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's on vacation.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's sick today.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She is busy with a client.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's gone for an early lunch.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: Speaking. What can Ido to help you?
Me: Can I make an appointment to talk to Joan?
Receptionist: Certainly. Will 2 PM work for you?
Me: Perfect. I'll be there.
And I hung up before she could ask me which Joan.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and things
were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"

"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he
ain't gonna notice you here with me."

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted
her advice.

Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as
he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets,
exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six
feet at the end of the bed."

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe
me,count them again."

The husband then got out of bed, and re-counted, "One,
two, three, four... by gosh, you're right, dear!" as he stumbled
back into bed.....

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 4 Juveniles in Pasadena, MD Messy burglars August 9, 2007 - Pasadena, Maryland - AP Doctors often warn of the health risks of eating junk food but it seems the treats can be a problem for burglars, too. Corporal Mark Shawkey, a spokesman for the Anne Arundel County Police Department, says four teenagers broke into a Maryland gas station early Wednesday and left a trail of candy bar wrappers along the road. A police dog located the teens 400 metres away. Three boys and a girl, ages 15 and 16, were charged with burglary and theft. They were not named because of their ages. Shawkey says the teens stole candy, chips and cigars from the B-P station. Most of the junk food was found scattered around the road where they were apprehended. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 29-ap.html =========================================== =========================================== A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Annette Re: Mars on Aug 27 Dear Webby, Watch the SKY on Aug. 27 12:30 am EDT *Two moon on 27 August* *27th Aug the Whole World is waiting for.............* Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again. Annette Dear Annette You are going to be very disappointed on Aug 27. That's an old AOL hoax. Right now Mars is far away, on the other side of the sun. Between now and mid September you won't be able to see it at all. It will be close again next spring, however, it never has and never will appear as big as the moon to the naked eye. To the naked eye it will always be a twinkly star, and the difference between a normal and a very clear night will always be bigger to the naked eye, than the apparent size difference due to distance. At it's closest approach, about every two years, if you look at Mars with a 75x scope with one eye, and at the moon with the naked other eye, they will appear about the same size. Right now, if your sky is clear, you should be looking for falling stars. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Weelington, New Zealand - AP A thief was convicted and fined after being spotted on a video posted on the Web site YouTube. The man was taped slowly circling the store, stealing a laptop computer, slipping the computer into his overcoat and stepping out of the store in the South Island town of Greymouth, local media reported Friday. The whole performance was posted on YouTube — set to ''The Pink Panther'' music track — and attracted 500,000 hits from around the globe. One viewer recognized the man and alerted police. Dawson Anthony Bliss, 50, was convicted of theft in Greymouth District Court on Thursday after pleading guilty. Judge Gary MacAskill fined Bliss $1,485 and ordered him to pay $1,478 in reparation. Greymouth on South Island's west coast is 234 miles south of the capital, Wellington. http://www.happynews.com/news/8102007/y ... -thief.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sale Check List Here is a list of items you will want to have on hand before the day of your sale: price tags, a change box with change, poster board and pens for sign making, beverages, shade, tables and tarps or blankets (To cover your merchandise, if needed.)
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Thanks to Nancy for this report: I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times. ============================================= RING AROUND THE POMERANIAN Rawhide treats for dogs come in many different shapes and sizes. I often bought them for my two dogs, one a tiny Pomeranian, the other a Rottweiler. My large dog was well trained, he was always very gentle with the Pom who often was quite cranky with him. I had given out new rawhide treats to the dogs, when my neighbor came screaming to the door. "Hurry, your bit dog is dragging the small one around by it's neck!" Horrified I dashed outside, and sure enough, the Rottie had my tiny Pom, but something just didn't look as if the large dog was trying to hurt my baby Pom. I gave him to order to drop it, he did, and we had to laugh when we saw what was going on. My Pom had shoved her head into a round rawhide chewy, she looked as if she had a thick collar on. My big old dog was trying to get it off her. The Pom was doing her thing, snarling and snapping at him. While it was funny, it was a lesson well learned. No more chewy rings, keep my sassy Pomeranian away from the big dog during treat time, and make sure I had lots of calming tea for my poor shook up neighbor. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?" A little boy answered: "My MUMMY says my prayers." "I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mummy SAY?" Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: China - Guilin Li Rive
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: is there good spyware? 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 10, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
=========================================

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew
and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
--- W. C. Fields

The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press,
is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.
--- Robert Jackson

=======================================

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you
know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a
half years ago."

=======================================

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their
political differences.  Ten minutes into the meal, one
angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted.

"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.  As the
bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg enough in the confines
of her skirt.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
 So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
enough to make the step.

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and still unable to make the step.  About this
time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch me?!  I don't even know you!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Submitted by Chris O Howlers August 8, 2007 - Sheboygan, Wisconsin - AP This isn't a man-bites-dog story, but it's close: Two women were arrested in Sheboygan after one barked at a police dog. Police responded at about 3:15 a.m. Saturday to a call about a disturbance between two groups of people in Sheboygan, according to the criminal complaint. They approached Lawanda E. Bowman, 23, of Sheboygan, because she "was crying and yelling out loud in a hysterical fashion." Bowman's friends told police she had been drinking. The officers learned there were two warrants for Bowman's arrest in Milwaukee County. She resisted when they tried to arrest her. As she resisted, Feliciana P. Harrell, 46, of Milwaukee, began yelling at the officers and barking at and agitating a K-9 dog brought in to help control the crowd. Police later determined the warrant had expired, but Bowman was charged Monday with disorderly conduct and resisting an officer. Harrell was charged with obstructing an officer and harassment of a police animal. The charges are misdemeanors. http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/i ... mp;ntpid=3 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her he asked. "Well, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. She humbly asked. "What does it mean, Dad?" He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you," he asked his daughter. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Good Spyware ? Dear Webby, When using Spy Bot, are there any items we should look for that should not be deleted? Or whatever Spy Bot finds, get rid of it? Thanks, Carol Dear Carol Dear Carol There isn't really any Spyware or Malware that needs to be on the computer. I just let it rip and do it's stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 8, 2007 - Minneapolis, Minnesota - Gimundo Remember Jeremy Hernandez, the 20-year-old camp counselor whose heroic actions saved the lives of 61 children and fellow counselors during the tragic bridge collapse in Minneapolis last week? It seems that amazing deeds like his don't go unnoticed — or unrewarded. Some accounts of Hernandez's story mentioned the sad fact that the young man had recently dropped out of the automotive- mechanic program at the Dunwoody School of Technology because he couldn't afford the annual $15,000 tuition. When alumni and staff members at Dunwoody read about Hernandez's incredible act of bravery, they went straight to school officials, pleading for their help. "Universally, they said we need to do something for this guy, " Dave Jarzyna, a Dunwoody spokesman, told the Minneapolis- St. Paul Star Tribune. "We're going to make sure that if he wants to come to Dunwoody, he'll have the resources to do that. " So the school has made a generous offer: They've agreed to give Hernandez a full scholarship for the remainder of his time in the program. In an email, school officials sang his praises: "Jeremy Hernandez is a hero. His quick thinking and composure in an emergency and commitment to the children in his care have inspired us all. " http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... ge_Tuition
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Washing Soda Washing soda is sometimes confused with baking soda but is very different. You can buy it in the laundry section as a laundry additive. You can make an effective scouring powder for cleaning out of washing soda and baking soda. Simply mix 1/4 cup washing soda with 1 cup baking soda.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for their prescriptions at least helped me pass the time while I was waiting to talk to the druggist about his computer problem. When their meds were finally ready, they paid and walked away. The druggist stood there and shook his head. The little old lady ahead of me asked, "What's with them ?" He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax and she's on Prozac....." "They are not getting laid enough," she replied with the final and unarguable logic of a 90+ year old. ============================================= COMING OF AGE Gumboot was in constant trouble. From the moment the ragtag dog had wandered in to stay at the farm he had done nothing but get into trouble. He chased the chickens, the cattle, the horses, even the old milk cow. He stole eggs from the hens, ate part of the farmer's gumboot, and packed the other away to hide it in a manure pile. The boys on the farm loved the dog, however their father said, if that dog does one more thing wrong, I'm going to take him out to the bush, and well, they boys knew what that meant. The farmer loved his family, but he doted on his sweet three year old daughter. With her bouncing curls, cute giggle, he just melted. She was playing with her toys when Gumboot went flying off the porch, knocking the farmer off his feet. That does it, he yelled, that damn dog is gone. He went around the corner to see the dog standing in front of his baby girl, keeping a large black bear at bay. Gumboot was willing to give his life to save the child. He had already been slashed on his face, but he refused to back down. Seeing an adult, the bear took off for the bush. Grabbing his baby, the man rushed her to the house. She was fine. He then picked up the dog, tenderly seeing to his wounds. Gumboot grew up that day. His status in the family changed. From that day on he walked proudly beside the farmer, who treated him with respect, even when Gumboot slipped now and then, chasing those crazy chickens right out of the yard. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Miss Prussy was going over mischievous Melvin Messpot's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a big pile of chicken shit...." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hot Air Ballon Group
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Replacement for Ad-Aware 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 9, 2007
=========================================

Delegating work works,
provided the one delegating works, too.
--- Robert Half

=======================================

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her
idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.
And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up,
"Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

=======================================

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
department store. Shyly, he walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said, "Yeah... Um... I'da...
I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she brought his
attention to a sea of bras in every shape, size color and
material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras," informed the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what she meant.

The saleslady said, "As I said, 4 types: The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the
Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked,
"What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded plainly, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Pilaar, 33, of Denver, Colorado Book thief booked August 5, 2007 - Denver, Colorado - AP A library patron suspected of selling hundreds of books, tapes and DVDs he had borrowed has cost Denver-area libraries tens of thousands of dollars, officials said. Thomas Pilaar, 33, was suspected of using different names to obtain seven library cards from the Denver Public Library, then checking out 300 items per card and selling at least some of the items, KCNC-TV in Denver reported. "It appears his intent was to sell 2,100 (items) from the Denver Library collection," Denver Public Library spokeswoman M. Celeste Jackson told the station. She estimated the losses at about $35,000. Arapahoe County library administrators said Pilaar obtained three library cards and checked out 250 to 300 items. James Larue, Douglas County's head librarian, said Pilaar checked out more than 300 items from two county libraries and had $11,000 worth of overdue items. Authorities were tipped by a woman who recently bought books through Craigslist.org and noticed the library identification stamps. Pilaar was jailed on an unrelated parole violation and was being investigated for theft, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver prosecutor's office. He was being held without bond. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200708 ... NOLO0.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Doug and Bill were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race, the track tells the government." Bill says, "Well it could be worse." Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won $600." Bill sighs, "Telling your wife." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lisa Re: Ad-Aware Hi Dear Webby: I am using Ad-Aware SE personal. They notified me they won't be doing updates or giving help after December 0f 07. Any reccomendation to switch to after Dec. ? Thanks, Lisa Dear Lisa I have been doing quite fine without that program and don't see any need for it. Just use Spybot-Search&Destroy. It will take care of any of any nasty advertising Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Devon, Pennsylvania - Gimundo When Molly Houlahan, 15, and her 13-year old sister Carly, of Devon, Pa., lost their grandfather to throat cancer several years ago, they were so shaken by his death that they decided to take action against the horrible disease that had killed him — by raising bees. Since childhood, Molly and Carly had been interested in beekeeping — their other grandparents have several hives in their backyard. So in 2004, the two girls decided to start keeping their own beehives and selling the honey, donating 100 percent of their profits to the American Cancer Society to support cancer research and treatment. They christened their unique organization “Hives for Lives.” The sisters started small, selling jars of honey in their school and around the neighborhood. But these days, business is buzzing at Hives for Lives: in just three years of selling honey and related products like lip balms and lotions, they’ve raised more than $22,000 in donations to the American Cancer Society. Want to aid their cancer-curing mission? Buy a jar or two of the Houlahan sisters’ honey from their Web site, http://www.hivesforlives.com
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Meat Make multiple meals with the same cut of meat. For example, if you buy ham or roast, plan on making a large pot of soup with the leftovers. Whole chickens can be less expensive than chicken pieces and the bones can be used for soup stock.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied. ============================================= PRICKLY SITUATION It was the third day of a dog trial show. The dog handlers were getting their dogs ready to go through their paces in the ring. On the sidelines, excited dogs barked, waiting anxiously for their turn. To them, it was all just great fun. No dog was a loser, no matter how they "placed" each owner or handler lavished great praise on the dogs for the effort and enthusiasm they put into the day. That's way it was such a puzzle, when a Border Collie who had been winning every day, dashed into a tunnel, but backed out just as fast. He was the first dog to compete that day. His handler ordered him to go back, into the tunnel, but the dog again backed out faster than when he went in. So, to the great delight of the watching crowd, the owner, on hands and knees went into the tunnel, and she came backing out just as fast as the dog. Only this time something else came out. A huge porcupine. He had crawled into the tunnel during the night, hearing the dogs had decided to stay put. It was too much for the crowd. There were hollers to the judges, on how to grade the critter. The dogs were going crazy, until some thoughtful person stuck a shovel under the animal, took it into the nearby woods, and let it loose. The Border Collie went on to be the big winner of the weekend. However every dog who went into the tunnel, took extra time. They had ribbons to win, but more important, they had a lot of sniffing to do where that porcupine had sat. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Steve considers himself fairly strong, but was dismayed that that he couldn't even lift the 35 pound barbell in the Sporting Goods area. He tried but just simply couldn't lift it. So he tried the 15 pound bar. He still couldn't budge it and looked quite depressed about his own physical strength. I have never done any weight lifting, but after spending many years in the bush and in mines, those silly toys looked like no problem at all. So I grabbed one and yanked it up with a good tug, - and knocked the display over. OOOPS! That's when we realized they had been epoxied onto the shelves. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Island of Philae and the Temple of Isis
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Stuck MailWasher 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 8, 2007
=========================================

Time is the friend of the wonderful company,
the enemy of the mediocre.
— Warren Buffett

When one door closes, another opens;
but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door
that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
--- Alexander Graham Bell

=======================================

A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said,
"Yes, I knew all that, but how am I going to get all
that into this one little box?"

=======================================

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise.  He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm.  He yells out
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chicken."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chicken with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chicken caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of
round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and
to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the
unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on
the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up....  I'll get my hat...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made
a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right
behind us did the same thing."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a blind driver in Tartu, Estonia Blind driver August 6, 2007 - Tallin, Estonia - Rueters Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically at the weekend, only to find he was blind. The 20-year-old was driving in the southern city of Tartu early Sunday -- helped by instructions from his 16-year-old passenger. "At first they thought he was just drunk, but the man kept missing the tube for the breath test, then they realized he was blind and arrested him", Tartu Police spokeswoman Marge Kohtla said Monday. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... a_blind_dc ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." So she said come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!" And he said, "Hello, Darlin!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Mailwasher stuck Dear Webby Could you tell me why Mail Washer Pro, isn't working right??? All of a sudden, I have to separate the spam myself, and the icon doesn't blink anymore when new e mail arrives. Yesterday, it stopped working altogether and all my mail went into my outlook, I unchecked the boxes, send and receive e mail on start up and, check for messages every so many minutes Thanks Ann Dear Ann I had to ask the good folks at MailWasher about that. Jeremy told me that it seems that a power failure or crash shut it down too quickly, before it could tuck it's marbles away and close it's restore bin and training archive. No panic. Click on HELP, About, and on the link to where those files are at the bottom there. Then close MailWasher. Windows can't delete those files while MailWasher is trying to open them. Once MailWasher is closed, delete the "Trash.rot135" file and the "Training" Folder. After that MailWasher will start up normally and work fine. Jeremy also suggested that you might be due for a free update to the current version. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Berlin, Germany - AP Germany's national railway wasn't about to risk sending a trainload of soccer fans to a German Cup match without beer. Federal police said Monday that the beer tap failed aboard a special train carrying Bayer Leverkusen fans to Hamburg on Saturday. The fault was discovered half an hour into the journey. "In order not to endanger the good mood" of the passengers, railway officials halted the train in Wuppertal for 25 minutes and had a replacement part delivered by taxi, a police statement said. It added that there was no trouble among the fans. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/ ... 9782.shtml
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Up After Mowing Saving Money at Starbucks Save money at Starbucks by ordering smaller beverages. If you currently order a grande, try scaling back to a tall. You can also try to make Starbucks a reward rather than a daily habit. It's a bit beyond me why anybody would want to pay big money for burned dish water, no refills, and play waiter or waitress on top of it. Must be some weird cult! Luckily there are usually some restaurants close by, where I can get a sandwich and a decent coffee, with free refills, served to me for what a weird "coffee" costs at Starbucks. DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid the shock would give him a heart attack. So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?" And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church." At which the pastor fell over dead. ============================================= RULES FOR DOGS Following is a list of things dogs can do to drive their owners crazy. Learn to open the cupboard, grab a can of pop, bite it then run when it explodes. Mom gets to clean up the mess. Snoop through the laundry basket, bring out her undies to share with her guests at a dinner party. Bride is getting ready for her big day. Steal her veil then play catch me with a pack of screaming women. Play dumb. When company comes and mom wants you to show off all the tricks you learned, don't do em'. Wait until everyone has left, then go through the entire routine. Drives the family nuts. Make sure you use their lap to soak up the water after you have had a nice long drink. Beg. Use your eyes, drool, cry a little, act starved, put a paw on their knee, shiver and shake. If you keep at it long enough they will give you a bit of whatever they are eating. Start over. Get along with the cat while the family is home. When they leave, chase the heck out of it, making sure the house is a mess when they get back. Be in your bed, faking sleep. Hopefully the cat will be blamed. Most importantly. Eat something horrid, then wash their faces. Remember to show them lots of doggie affection so they readily forgive you for the above actions. Start thinking of new ways to drive them batty! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and whispered to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems, and she instantly fell in love with me." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vintage jewely Ads
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Parts of a CD listed in Favorites 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 7, 2007
=========================================

Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who
has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.
--- Sidney J. Harris

=======================================

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new
CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning
on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is
his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks,
"And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams,
"Here's a week's pay.  Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Delivering pizza."

=======================================

At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went
up to the host and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Scuse me,
but do lemons have feathers?"

"I beg your pardon?" replied the host.

The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as
he struggled to hold his balance.

A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so."

The drunk sheepish said, "Oopssss."

"What?" asked the host.

"I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the
water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was
dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at
him.  He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's
kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?"
Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma"
exclaimed Johnny.  "There's a BIG ole' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny.  He's been
there for many years now, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me
as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Douglas Powell, 40, and Timmy Belding, 35 in Portland, Oregon Candid Web Camera July 3, 2007 - Portland, Oregon - IBS Police are asking for help in finding a suspect in a burglary that was caught on camera at a southeast Portland home. Police said a Web camera captured a portion of the burglary at the home May 16. David Shaffer, 46, who lives at the home, gave the Webcam video to police, and officers said they were able to identify the suspects as Douglas Powell, 40, and Timmy Belding, 35. Shaffer called 911 to report the burglary as soon as he returned home, according to police. Belding has since been arrested and is being held at the Multnomah County Jail. Powell, however, is still wanted by police. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/13613201/detail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Jill continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Jill gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Jill said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: CD to Favorite Dear Webby another question. is it possible to add a song that i am playing from a cd on my computer to " favorites " ? thanks again, daniel, Dear Daniel With some browsers you can, but you can always make a desktop shortcut to it. It will only work when you got that particular CD in the machine. If you want it to work at all times, copy that song to the hard drive and THEN make a desktop shortcut to it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - AP A man who claims to be the "kissing sailor" made famous in a 1945 Life magazine photo thwarted an apparent burglary attempt in his home, pinning down an intruder until police arrived. Carl Muscarello, a retired New York City detective, said he was in the bedroom when he heard his 67-year-old wife scream from the kitchen. Running to investigate, the 80-year-old retiree said he saw a man swinging a golf club at his 36-year-old stepson. One of the intruders ran out the front door, but Muscarello managed to subdue the other. "I jumped on this man's back and put a chokehold on him. I was surprised I could do it," said Muscarello. "I had him pinned down to the concrete by the pool floor when the police got here. He said, 'Let me go — I'll give you plenty of money."' Muscarello claims to be the tall, dark-haired sailor photographed kissing a nurse in Times Square during street celebrations of the Japanese surrender on Aug. 14, 1945. Several men have purported to be that sailor, but the woman Life identified in 1980 as the nurse has said she believes Muscarello is the one she smooched.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Up After Mowing Use a blower or broom to clean grass clippings off your walkways and mower. Make sure to remove grass from any drains to prevent clogging. Compost bagged clippings instead of throwing them away or just leave them to mulch the lawn.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ============================================= A FEW GREAT QUOTES Much has been written about the loyalty of dogs, but what I love about them isn't their devotion to me as much as their devotion to being alive. Will Rogers The censure of a dog is something no man can stand. Christopher Morley (1890 - 1857) As I get older, I feel myself becoming more and more of a dog, and I feel my dog becoming more and more of an aristocrat. Paul Claudel ( 1868 - 1955) No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. Christopher Morley (1980 - 1957) The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. Samuel Coldridge Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered with a sad and disappointed voice, "Thou shall not kill." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scepdic's Dictionary
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dea Webby: Yahoo #1000 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 6, 2007
=========================================

Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments,
and they wander off through equation after equation, and
eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
--- Nikola Tesla, Modern Mechanics and Inventions, July, 1934

(Tesla was the inventor of ALL the AC motors)

=======================================

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only two of our tents and four
sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened.  Oh
yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write
because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.
 It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone.  Hector said he did tell him, but it was during
the fire so he probably didn't hear him.  Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  Larry is
going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It
wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We
think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with
10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry,
he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to
drive.  But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the
canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby
like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Rob
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Bruce and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way
with the food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and become our
scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.

I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets and more dynamite.

Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Dave

=======================================

If the car ad claims... It really means:

- rough condition... too bad to lie about
- parts car... beyond repair
- immaculate... recently washed
- engine quiet... if you use 90-weight oil
- needs minor overhaul... needs engine
- needs major overhaul... Phone the junkyard
- burns no oil... (it all leaks out)
- rebuilt engine... Cleaned the spark plugs.
- Drive it away... I live on a hill.
- Drive it anywhere... (within 10 miles)
- desirable classic... No one wants it.
- rare classic... No one wanted it even when it was new.
- stored 20 years... (in a farmer's field)
- ran when stored... Won't start
- my grandmother's car... First gear is worn out
- was just driven by a little old lady... At the dirt track
- good rubber.... A few years ago
- needs inspection.... Can't find a mechanic who will lie

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing.
Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other
places, but he continued to come to the choir.
The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.
"If you don't, I'm going to resign.  The choir members are
going to quit too.  Please do something."

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you
should leave the choir."

"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

That's nothing," the man snorted.  "Fifty people have told
me that you can't preach!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shyvonne Weis, Pembroke Pines, Florida Vocal Robbery August 3, 2007 - Pembroke Pines, Florida - AP An agitated customer was in jail after a teller thought the Pembroke Pines woman was trying to rob the bank. Police said Shyvonne Weis tried using the ATM at her bank Tuesday but it didn't give her the amount she wanted. So Weis went inside, cut in front of the line and threw paper at the teller's glass window while demanding money. The teller then hit the silent alarm, signaling a robbery in progress. A police spokesman said the teller was confused and did the right thing. Police arrested Weis when she walked out the doors. She was charged with grand theft. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/13796236/detail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Cheap to run, and no speeding tickets! =========================================== FACTS OF LIFE Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples! I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters." Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yahoo #1000 Re: REMOVE! At 12:33 PM 8/5/2007, Hugh Roberts wrote: Please remove my address from all your servers. Dear Hugh You don't have an account with us and I can't remove your address from anything. Most likely you have been fooled by some spoofs, that were sent to you by the Yahoo Spoof&Spam server. Can't help you there. You will have to contact Yahoo yourself. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 19, 2007 - Glasgow, Scotland A university cleaner has become a concert pianist after a web cam caught him having a go on a grand piano. Aleksander Kudajczyk put down his mop and gave a spellbinding performance of Chopin compositions to an empty room. Mr Kudajczyk, 28, who arrived in Britain six months ago, had landed a job cleaning Glasgow University's law department. He saw no need to mention the fact he had studied at one of Poland's finest music academies, reports the Daily Mail. But the unwitting public performance in Glasgow University chapel so enraptured his on-line audience that he is now playing packed venues. Joan Keenan, a secretary in the Glasgow University chaplaincy, said: "Aleksander is a lovely but shy lad. He works as a cleaner but nobody knew what a talent he had.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Workshop Outlets Clean Getting sawdust or other matter in your outlets can be dangerous. Put child safety covers on outlets that are not in use in your workshop. You can use a vacuum or canned air to clean them out. DON'T use canned air! Don't even allow it near your house! If you HAVE to fling sawdust and stuff into your eyes and down your cleavage, use a tire pump, either a manual or an electric one. Those cheap 12 Volt emergency tire pumps connected to a trickle-charger work quite fine, especially for blowing across epoxy varnish to suck the bubbles out. But don't let those air cans near your house if you have teens! They "huff" the stuff to get high, and every year a bunch of them die. Ideal is an old canister vaccuum placed outside and in a large plastic garbage can with a hole in the lid. The plastic garbage can muffles the noise, and you can attach a return hose to bring the filtered air back inside. If you don't have a return hose, the air removed by the vacuum is replaced by uncontrolled drafts, which might be quite undesirable in some climates. By the way, vaccum cleaner extension hoses cost $25 - $50 at the store. Vacuum cleaners that don't work any more, are $2 - $5 at garage sales. You can join different model hoses with a short piece of bicycle inner tube and a hose clamp or a tie made from haywire. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?" ============================================= DOGGIE DOOR TURKEY It was a thing of beauty. A brand new doggie door put in just for the family dog Daze. He loved it, spending the first few days flying in and out, doing it over and over. Then he discovered he could haul things back and forth. Out went his food dish, in came a branch from a tree. Out went his blanket, in came a small potted plant from the patio. That was boring. He went for bigger game. One of the pillows from a bed went out, then he dragged the house cat spitting and hissing in though the door. A celebration was planned for visitors. The groceries were unloaded from the car, waiting on the table to be put away. It was too much for Daze. Somehow he dragged a huge frozen turkey, off the table to his doggie door. But how to get it though? It was slippery, he couldn't get a grip, plus the dang thing just would not fit. His family heard the noise. He was pawing, whining, barking, pushing, tying in every doggie way to get that blasted bird though a door designed for a small dog. No one could help but laugh. He was relieved of his burden, not that he wanted to give it up. He made up for it by taking all of the guests coats, one at a time, out through the door, and what did he bring back in each time? The muddy boots everyone had left on the porch. While no one was too happy with his antics, Daze did finally get to take some of that turkey out, only this time, it was in his dog dish, cooked just the way a good, hard working dog likes it! When he brought something back in, it was his dog dish, he wanted seconds please! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Deep Sea Strawberry Anemone
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Spam Filter 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 5, 2007
=========================================

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -
not absence of fear.
--- Mark Twain

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do
without the necessities.
--- Frank Lloyd Wright

=======================================

An American carpenter goes to Australia and likes it so much,
he decides to stay. He finds a nice property in the suburbs of
Sydney, purchases it and then goes to the lumber company to
buy supplies.

"I needs some two by fours," he tells the clerk.

"Sorry, mate, we only have four by twos."

"Oh, that's OK," says the carpenter. "I can turn them sideways."

"Good idea," the clerk smiles back. "So, how long do you
want them?"

"Oh, for quite a while. I'm building a house."

=======================================

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Jack says
to Betty, "Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Betty
replies,
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want
to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you
really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank
would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came
over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions
asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than
ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack
and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no
surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey
came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then
you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to
save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such
a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more
moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted
to be president of the golf club and you were 47 votes short..?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then,
about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn
phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands
and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still
ringing-when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the
floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife --
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Schnitzel Stephan in Berlin, Germany Freeloader August 2, 2007 - Berlin, Germany - Reuters A Berlin court has sentenced a man known as "Schnitzel Stephan" to 18 months in jail for cheating 64 restaurants in the past year when he was already on probation for previous unpaid eating binges. The heavyset man of 160 kg (350 lb), with a thin grey beard, would routinely order lamb chops, steak or Viennese Schnitzel along with several beers. When the bill came, he either ran for the door or told the waiter he had no money. Iris Berger, a spokeswoman for the Berlin Justice Department, said Thursday the 43-year-old unemployed truck driver had been convicted on 64 counts of fraud. The total damage to restaurants was 3,000 euros ($4,100). http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... y_cheat_dc ===========================================
We have a date for you!
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=========================================== =========================================== About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more specific with my directions. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Need a filter for.... Dear Webby I get a ton of spam to a lot of my business addresses with the actual spam in pdf files and pictures. You probably know the crap. Subject lines are about 50 different ones from Att to Urgent. I don't really want to slow the filtering down making it look for all those different subjects. You probably have found out what they all have in common and made a filter for that. Can you please share it? Thanks Irene Dear Irene Here is what I use for that crap: If the Body contains "----------bound--" then automatically (without warning or notification) add the sender to the blacklist, and delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. Have not seen any of that type since I put that filter in. Until you are sure that none of your friends use a mailer that sends stuff in the same fashion, use this as the filter: If the Body contains "----------bound--" then mark the sender for blacklisting, and mark the message as mail to be deleted. This filter takes priority over the friends list. Instead of dumping it unseen, that version only marks it for deletion, and gives you the option to verify it, and also the option to click a report to the Spamcop. It's a good idea to do that a few times a day, to keep the pressure on RoadRunner, to start doing something about their clients sending more spam than all of China and Russia together. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 3, 2007 - Canberra, Australia - AP A 94-year-old great-great-grandmother who left school at the age of 12 appears to be the world's oldest recipient of a master's degree, an official with Guinness World Records said Friday. University of Adelaide graduate Phyllis Turner was awarded her master's degree in medical science earlier this week at a ceremony in her hometown of Adelaide, surrounded by generations of offspring.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Neighborhood Yard Sales Increase traffic to your yard sale by having a neighborhood sale. A neighborhood sale can be organized by encouraging your neighbors to have a yard sale the same weekend as yours.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 5,000 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetary. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin's Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took us three days to put out the fire. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's Day. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice last week. First for four days and then for three days. Monday it was so windy that one of our hens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days . . . UP SHE COMES! Your loving mother P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope. ============================================= FORMER OWNER TAKES A PLUNGE Beamer was a rescued dog. He had lived a year of his life in the back yard of a country home. His dog house usually sat in a pool of fetid water. He spent long hours sitting on the roof of his house, shivering, trying to stay dry. His new home was a palace. He lived in his new family's house. His bed was a huge, doggie style soft pillow. When he did go outside and got wet, he was rubbed dry with a fluffy warm towel. On a cold winter day, the family went to a nearby lake to watch the annual polar bear dip. To raise money for a new animal shelter, hardy souls would jump into a hole hacked out of the frozen lake, get wet, then hurry into warm clothes. Beamer went with his family to this outing. No one suspected anything unusual, until Beamer began to growl. He was watching one man in particular, his former owner. Before anyone could stop him, he jumped, his paws hitting the man in his back, pushing him into the icy water. Beamer stood watching him with a doggie grin. If he could have talked in human words, he likely would have said, "Now, see how it feels to be cold and wet?" It was Beamers day to teach a lesson, and brought tears of laughter to his new family. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sturgis Rally
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Transferring pictures 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 4, 2007
=========================================

Don't think you're on the right road
just because it’s a well-beaten path.
--- Socratex

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally
you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty
annoying virtues.
--- Elizabeth Taylor

=======================================

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules)
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have
any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry
bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were
from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to
go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in
a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong,
the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.

=======================================

An older friend, recently returned from her home town in
North Carolina, says they've spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years back.
"Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together
now."

"Together?" I asked, puzzled. "Well, years ago they never
much worried where they buried someone because everyone
was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it
seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people
are with their children and grandchildren, instead of
scattered all over."

"You mean they exhumed all those people and re-buried
them?"
"Oh no," she said. "They just moved the headstones.
Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Woman to marriage counselor: "The only thing my husband and
I have in common is that we got married the same year."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Amanda Lynn Bailey, 41 of Riverview, Florida Just a drunk August 3, 2007 - Tampa, Florida - AP Amanda Lynn Bailey's T-shirt said it all. When the 41-year-old got picked up on DUI charges she was wearing a shirt that read: "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings." The T-shirt was captured in her mug shot. Bailey, of Riverview, was arrested Tuesday and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a canceled, suspended or revoked license. She posted $750 bond and was released. She also was arrested in April on DUI charges. Police did not capture any T-shirt messages in that mug shot. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/13811813/detail.html j Isn't it amazing what some people will do to just to get a Bonehead Award ? ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam. "Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk. "I'm committing suicide," replied Van. "Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist." "Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Healy Re: Pictures from camera Dear Webby A friend reamed me out for trasnferring pictures straight from the camera to the computer, and claimed you had said to never do that. Unfortunately she could not remember why not? Does that affect the picture quality? Healy Dear Healy It drains your camera batteries very quickly. The USB port runs at 5 Volt, the camera at 6 Volt. So the camera tries to charge up the USB port, which is regulated and backed up by the power grid. The batteries have not got a chance, and especially if you do some sorting and deleting, you will drain the batteries to near flat. A chip reader costs not much more than a set of disposable batteries, and a lot less than rechargeable ones. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 3, 2007 - Chongqing City, China - Ananova A dog swims more than 4km every day to nurse her newborn puppies who are stranded on an island. The dog, already a celebrity in Chongqing city, is called Huahua by local people. She gave birth to four pups at Shanhuba, which has become an island in the Changjiang River due to the heavy rains this summer. Huahua swims 1.2 km to the island every day to nurse her four babies. Then she returns to the Changjiang River, following the flow of the water, to swim another 1.1 km to another part of the city to feed herself. Each day Huahua does the whole journey twice, once in the morning, around 7 am, and again at 7 pm, at which point she stays with her pups on the island and returns to the city the next morning. Huang Pingren, a pensioner who swims to the island everyday, says he discovered the amazing dog a few weeks ago. "I was resting on the island, and found the unprotected litter of dogs. Then in the evening, around 7 pm, I saw a dog swimming to the bank and then running to the newborns." Huang even published a story on the internet, describing the great deeds of the dog mother, and leading to an outpouring of enthusiasm from readers. "Many citizens found me and said they wanted to do something, like contribute food or money, but I told them not to, since I was afraid too many visitors may scare the mom away." Two days ago, the water rose again, and the mother has moved her children to a higher point on the island, reports Chongqing Evening News. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2445375.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fixing Wallpaper Bubbles If you have a large wallpaper bubble, cut an X in the bubble. Peel back from the center, apply a bit of wallpaper paste to each corner and flatten with a damp sponge. For smaller bubbles, cut a slit in the bubble and squirt wall a little paper adhesive into the slit then smooth out the bubble.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a longer QUILL. Their pricks are the same size." ============================================= DEMOLITION DOG "Don't let Willie have that toy he'll wreak it." It was a familiar sound in the Pauslon's house. Willie was their senior Welsh Corgi, Collie mix dog. From his puppy days to now, every toy he had ever been given had been chewed into oblivion. He liked new toys, but he loved shredding them even more. Christmas was a few days away. As usual the large family bought presents for Willie. One of the invited guests, not knowing Willie's history of his destructive antics with toys found the perfect thing that she felt would give the cute dog hours of amusement. The gifts were being opened. Willie was on the rampage among the papers and ribbons. His present was put in front of him. He knew from experience how to rip the wrapping off. What he unwrapped was a small tin box, with a handle on the side. Someone began to crank the handle, and a tune came out of the box. Willie liked that. He opened his mouth to snatch it, when a lid suddenly flew open, a clown popped out to smack Willie hard on his nose. Totally shocked, Willie stumbled backwards, making a mad dash out of the room. He peeked cautiously around the corner. Seeing that "thing" was still there he galloped up the stairs to hide under the bed. Later someone asked, 'Where's Willie?" Everyone cracked up when he was found frantically burying the toy. He had torn the head off the clown, bitten the can, found he couldn't shred it, so did the next best thing. He showed his complete distain, by placing it in a spot where he felt it belonged. In the cat's litter box! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== 1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. 2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends. 3. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips. 4. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience with Princes, Seeks Frog. 5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich. 6. Don't Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen. 7. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen. 8 Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off. 9. I'm out of Estrogen-and I Have a Gun. 10. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares? 11. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes. 12. And Your Point Is...? 13. Warning: I Have an Attitude and I Know How to Use It. 14. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did it Right the First Time. 15. Do Not Start with Me. You Will Not Win. 16. You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up. 17. All Stressed out and No One to Choke. 18. I'm One of Those Bad Things That Happen to Good People. 19. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 20. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not. 21. Don't Upset Me! I'm Running out of Places to Hide the Bodies. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Virtual touor of St Augustine
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: System Restore Problem 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 3, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
=========================================

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,
you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The one that's out always looks the best.
--- Will Rogers

=======================================

Thanks to Rosie for this story:
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in
Germany with my eight siblings and me, all under the age of eleven.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped
customs area.  A young customs official watched our entourage in
disbelief, "Ma'am," he asked, "do all these children and this
luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh.  "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his questions, "Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would
have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

=======================================

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white,
male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I
might be gay..."

So, to be politically correct, he fired them all.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================
One Liners:

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Is it time for your medication or mine?

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pavel Mircea, from Timisoara, Romania Tried to sue God A ROMANIAN murderer who tried to sue God for his troubled life has had his lawsuit denied - as God has no known address. Pavel Mircea, who is serving a 20-year sentence, filed a lawsuit in the western town of Timisoara against God for "not protecting me from the Devil". He claimed he had concluded a contract with God at baptism, but God had not kept his side of the bargain. "He was supposed to protect me from all evils and instead he gave me to Satan, who encouraged me to kill," Mircea said. However, the public prosecutor's office in Timisoara turned down the case, arguing that God "is not a person in the eyes of the law and does not have a legal residence". ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: There she is, on her new commuter broom! =========================================== Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Guinn Re: Can't restore Hi, Webbie. You seem to know (or can find out) a lot of answers to our problems, out here in CyberLand. So here is MY problem: Sometime in the past few weeks I must have clicked a wrong key because now I cannot Restore. When I try to Restore, the only day shown in bold numbers is the current date and the current time. How do I get my Restore back? I was looking at TweakUI awhile back. Could a wrong key there cause this problem? Thanks for any help you can give me, Guinn Dear Guinn TweakUI is perfectly safe. It was actually written for Windows 98 and has been around for about 8 years now. For XP you should actually use XP-Powertoys, but good ol TweakUI is OK too. You, or some "speeder-upper" utility, must have turned off Restore and wiped out all the old restore data. Running out of disk space also deactivates the Restore. Once you clear out enough space, System Restore will reactivate automatically, but in the meantime you will have lost all your previous restore points. Restore also gets a bit flaky when it gets close to the limit of the space that you allotted for it. It will start dropping old restore points. Theoretically it is supposed to stop dumping when 50% of the allocated space is free. Sometimes it doesn't. If the restore point that you see is not the one made when Restore got turned back on, go to Control Panel, System System-Restore and manage it from there. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Warsaw, Poland - Reuters Krystyna Zbyszynska, 84, became Poland's oldest parachutist when she made her first jump with her daughter-in-law, news channel TVN24 reported Sunday. "I survived World War Two and wasn't afraid, so what's there to be afraid of now?" she said after clambering out of her jumpsuit this weekend. "Babcia (granny) Krysia is not your ordinary gran," explained one of her teenaged granddaughters. "She tells me I'm not playing my music loud enough and comes into my room and wants to dance." Asked whether she planned another jump Zbyszynska, from the northern city of Olsztyn, told the channel: "Yes, the day I turn 100." http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0707 ... chutist_dc
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Out The Fridge After cleaning out your refrigerator, dampen a cloth or clean sponge with white vinegar and wipe down the walls and shelves in the fridge. It will both cut down odors and help prevent mildew. A box of baking soda also helps odors.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" ============================================= FREEDOM FIGHTER Cindy saw her dog Jay creeping out of the basement, heading outside. She spotted a tiny tail hanging out of his mouth. She sighed, Jay was at it again. She had adopted him from a shelter. Little was known about him, except he had spent his life outside in a old shack. Jay settled in well. He loved Cindy, her home, and his food dish. He was a gentle soul. He had one habit that had Cindy perplexed. Jay would go into the basement, catch a small mouse, hold it in his mouth then go outside into the pasture, where he would drop it. The mouse would take off for freedom into the grass. Jay would bounce happily back to Cindy. Not knowing if she should praise him or not, was a problem. She wanted the mice gone! One day she told Jay to wait, while she examined one of rescued mice. While he held the tiny thing in his mouth, she used a bingo dabber to put a tiny blue mark on the mouse, then opened the door to let Jay out. He walked out to his usual spot, let the mouse go, then ran around barking happily. The next day, she again caught Jay with his mouse. It had a small blue dot. She was amused. Jay was catching the same mouse over and over. Cindy just smiled, as long as it was the same little mouse and not its entire family, she would quietly allow Jay to do his thing uninterrupted. It was his work. He was a freedom fighter! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: On a bad day
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: More plugs for computer accessories 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 2, 2007
======================================

A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
--- Robert Browning

=======================================

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

=======================================

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what
happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing.  It's just an old football injury that
acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played football."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the
Superbowl.  I put my foot through the television."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an
unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior
was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "So, who listens?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to July 9, 2007 - Melbourne, Australia - Ananova A Catholic school refused to enroll a five-year-old because his surname was Hell. St Peter Apostle School in Melbourne suggested that Max Hell would only be admitted if he used his mother's maiden name. His father initially agreed. But when it came to signing the enrolment forms Alex Hell decided to stand firm in defense of his family's name, reports The Times. "We're quite devastated by the whole thing," Mr. Hell, a Catholic father of three said. "So what if I've got a name like Hell? That's my family history and my name." Mr. Hell, 45, who is of Austrian heritage, said his surname meant light or bright in German. "It's 2007, not 1407 - it's not the Dark Ages." The Hells approached St Peter Apostle School hoping to transfer their son from a state school, apparently because he was being bullied over his surname. St Peter Apostle agreed it would to receive the boy on condition that he adopt his mother's maiden name of Wembridge. After Mr. Hell publicly complained about the school's refusal to enroll his son, the school later had a change of heart. But Mr. Hell, who said he was also bullied because of his surname when he attended a Catholic school as a child, said he was now reluctant to consider a Catholic education for his children. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2407697.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So, how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, the good news is, he thinks I am God!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Dear Webby . . . First of all, thanx for offering the large type option to those of us who are superannuated. I go back to the days when your connections to accessories (printers, scanners, etc.) and you had many sizes and fittings. My Dell (surprise) has only a few ports for my accessories. Is there a multi-plug unit available so I can keep my connectors in one place? Thank you Jerry Dear Jerry Yes, just get a USB hub. It's basically the USB version of your power bar for the 110V AC. It plugs into one USB port and has 4 to 8 USB sockets. Check for example Tiger. They have them from $12 up. You can easily glue two of them to the side of your compter case, so that one is facing forward and one facing back. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - Lakewood, Colorado - Gimundo Since 1989, Hank Robinson has been playing the same six numbers in the Colorado lottery: 14, 17, 21, 31, 36 and 38. On July 15, he sat down with his lottery ticket and the Sunday paper to check the winning numbers. What he saw stunned him. “I just sat there for about 15 minutes. Then I put on the rest of my clothes and jumped in my van and went to King Soopers [a supermarket in Lakewood] to make sure I had the right numbers,” he said. He did. The $9.2 million jackpot is Colorado’s largest Lotto jackpot since November 2002. The 81-year-old retired railroad engineer said he plans to make a few changes, like buying himself a new van and h elping his sisters and nieces and nephews. But one thing won’t change: his lottery numbers. He already has tickets for the next drawing. http://cbs4denver.com/local/local_story_201160939.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Carpet Installation Day Most carpet retailers outsource the installation to independent contractions so it's important to inspect the work closely and not sign any paperwork after the installation until you are satisfied. If the carpet installers will not address your concerns, call the retailer.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Thanks to Martha for this one: St Peter met a taxi driver and a minister at the Pearly Gate. St Peter said to the taxi driver, "Tell me what you did on earth and who you are so I can check my list". The taxi driver told him. St Peter returned with a silk robe and a gold staff and said, "Enter in." St Peter asked the next man who he was. "I was a minister for 42 years." "Fine" said St Peter, "let me go check my list." He returned with a cotton robe and a wooden stick. "Not fair" cried the minister, "that taxi driver got a silk robe and a gold staff. How come I only get a cotton robe and a wooden stick?" St Peter replied, "For 42 years, when you preached, the people slept. When that guy driver drove, the people prayed." ============================================= UNFORGETTABLE It was to be the wedding of the year. The sun was shining, the bride glowing, her groom anxiously waiting. The bridesmaids wore lovely long ivory gowns. Everything was perfect, but for one small item. The bride wanted her small Yorkie dog to go down the isle with the last bridesmaid, who would then place the tiny dog beside the bride. The bride got one thing wrong. The girl she chose to walk her dog down the isle, disliked dogs with a passion. She held the tiny dog away from her body, there was no petting or crooning to the wee thing. The Yorkie wasn't happy. I saw her when she actually shook the pup then made it stand on the hot pavement while she sat on a bench. I was on my way over to rescue the dog, when the call came for the procession to begin. The girl snatched the dog up from the ground, causing the poor thing to squeak in fright. I was angry. Before I could get to her, I saw something that had me snickering. The bridesmaid and the yorkie made it down the isle. The puppy was placed on the bride's train, where she curled up happily. However, the entire assembly was laughing out loud. When the dog hating bridesmaid sat on the bench, it had just been painted a putrid colour of green. All the way down the isle, all one could notice was her well endowed green bottom, swaying in time to the song the groom had chosen especially for his bride, a song they loved, "Unforgettable." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?" She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scouting, 100 Years
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby" ATA and IDEdrives in one machine 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 1, 2007
======================================

The grand essentials to happiness in this life are
something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
--- Joseph Addison

=======================================

The boss was sympathetic when his secretary
said she needed some time off because her
husband died. Several weeks later she approached
him again, requesting more time off.

When he asked why, she said she was getting
married. In spite of himself, he said "But your
husband's only been dead about a month."

She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know...   but with the
cost of food and rent these days, I can't afford to hold a
grudge for very long."

=======================================

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready.  "All set back here,
Captain," came the reply, "except some lawyers are still
running around, passing out business cards."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing and his
approach speed was a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end,
if able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Teddy Bear Scared Germans Watch out, a teddy bear! July 31, 2007 - Titisee-Neustadt, Germany - Ananova German police was called out after sightings of a huge bear found the beast was a giant stuffed teddy. Locals in the Black Forest region in south-west Germany rang police after they saw a brown bear in woods near the town of Titisee-Neustadt. Police, fearing another case like Bruno the bear that last year rampaged around the Alpine border region between Bavaria and Austria killing livestock, sent out a special squad to capture it. Dieter Klipfel, spokesman for the Titisee-Neustadt police department, said: "As they got closer to it, they realised it was a giant stuffed animal. It had been put there by a local archery club to use as a target." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2442172.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not tech support." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brandt Re: ATA and IDE Dear Webby Do you know if Dell is still selling computers with both IDE and ATA hard drive sockets? Thanks Brandt Dear Brandt No, they aren't. And when their sales rep claimed they were, she was lying. It appears that after spending a lot of money on big "Made in China" stickers on every single component, they had to cut corners somewhere, and the IDE socket was eliminated. The soldering pads for it are on the motherboards, but the actual socket is not there. To use an IDE drive in a new Dell you will have to get a USB hard drive enclosure, pull out the hard drive adapter and circuit board, stick it onto the IDE hard drive and lay the drive on the floor of the computer case. There is plenty of space in those big boxes. Then you mutilate one of the grills in the back a bit, so that you can sneak a USB cable in, to plug into the USB drive adapter. You may also ned to sneak in a cable from the power cube that comes with some USB drive adapters, if there is no suitable power cable left over inside. They are really getting cheap these days. You COULD leave the USB drive outside, and never even open the box. But then you are adding clutter to the visible space, and not giving the IDE drive as much cooling as it gets on the floor inside the computer case. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAVVVMcT ... mp;search= July 31, 2007 - Cebu,Philippines - Ananova A video of Filipino prisoners dancing to hits like Michael Jackson's Thriller has become an instant worldwide hit. The video shot in a provincial jail on the central Philippine island of Cebu show some of the 1600 inmates dancing to the Jackson classic and has attracted more than 1.9 million views on YouTube. The website also shows routines for Queen's hit, Radio Gaga, and music from the hit move Sister Act, reports News.com.au The success of the videos, which see dozens of orange- suited men lined up in neat rows, dancing in synchronised fashion, has surprised the men who started the practice as a form of physical exercise. The dancing, held twice daily in jail, was the brainchild of special security consultant Byron Garcia. He said they began the dancing routines last year after he noticed that very few of the 1600 prisoners were taking part in the calisthenics and push-ups the jail was offering for their exercise. Mr. Garcia was also looking for something to instill discipline in the prisoners who had been jailed for crimes ranging from murder to drug trafficking. "I thought it would be easier to communicate with them using music," said Mr. Garcia. "When they perfected the marching, we started the more difficult routines,even hiring a choreographer for them," he said. The Thriller dance that had become so popular actually took a month to perfect, said choreographer Vince Rosales. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2442077.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Carpet Remnants If you have carpet installed, make sure that they leave behind some of the scrap carpet that is leftover. It's nice to have some of the carpet around to patch holes. You can also use it for crafts, like making cat scratching posts.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?" Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet" George: "So what are you looking for?" Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU" Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy" ============================================= SOFT BOTTOM LANDING All the floors in Andy's house were hardwood. His beloved dogs were old. They slept on easy chairs, the couch and Andy's bed. One night, a dog fell out of bed and fractured a leg. Something had to be done. Andy didn't have the money to put rug into every room. He began a round of second hand stores and yard sales, lugging home every sort of soft pillow, crib sized mattress, even huge soft old teddy bears. He surrounded each piece of furniture his dogs slept on. His friends thought he had lost his mind, but Andy loved his dogs more than he cared what people thought. The dogs appreciated it. No matter if they rolled off a bed, or jumped to the floor, they had a soft landing. Andy's frail aunt came to visit. She had always liked the dogs. He made up the bed for her, she and two dogs climbed in, going right to sleep. In the middle of the night, he heard a thump, then a cry fro the bedroom. Racing into the room, he saw his feeble old auntie, sitting on one of the soft teddy bears he had piled near the bed. She was giggling like a young girl, hanging on to the bear. "I was dreaming I was riding my old horse," she grinned. "Next thing I know, I'm on my bottom, hanging on for dear life to this stuffed bear." Andy helped her up. "Landing on a big stuffed bear was so much more fun than dropping out of bed onto a rug Andy. This was a great idea!" She kissed his cheek, "No wonder your dogs love you so!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Groan Alert! A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other baked delicious cakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nuts to you
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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