Dear Webby: Stop IE from reverting to wrong font size 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 15, 2007
=========================================

There’s a myth that time is money. In fact, time is more
precious than money. It’s a nonrenewable resource.
Once you’ve spent it, and if you’ve spent it badly,
it’s gone forever."
— Neil Fiore

=======================================

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending
a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her
license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that
being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors
would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the
locked door.
The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I didn't realize how much longer it
takes to get here within the speed limit.."

=======================================

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been
feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take
the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers,
"Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

======================================

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier
staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to
$16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited
for change.

"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned
the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79,
and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Sir. We can't accept anything larger than a
fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kasey G. Kazee, 24, from Huntington, W.Virginia Sent in by Ross Dumbest use of duct tape A man who had his head wrapped in duct tape to conceal his identity walked into the liquor store last Friday, police said. Store manager Bill Steele had some duct tape of his own, but his was wrapped around a wooden club that sent the robber fleeing, according to a report by WSAZ-TV in Huntington, W.Va. Store employee Craig Miller said he chased the man to the parking lot, tackled him and held him in a choke position until police arrived. An unidentified customer also helped, police said. Kazee, a bit worse for wear after the scuffle in the parkinglot. Kasey G. Kazee, 24, was charged with first-degree robbery. Kazee, in an interview with the TV station, denied he was the bandit who robbed the store of two rolls of change. Kazee pleaded not guilty Monday in Boyd County District Court and was ordered held under a $250,000 cash bond. http://www.wsaz.com =========================================== =========================================== You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "The first three times my wife didn't like the color." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: IE reverting to wrong font size Dear Webby, Why do you state to 'stack upside down'? Secondly, Every time I open MS Internet Explorer I must change the text size from small to medium. How do I save the medium text setting to preclude changing it daily. Thank you Frank Dear Frank 1) The smarter coolers are a bit wider at the open end, so that you can stack them inside each other. Especially for desert or water trips, where you want to keep the dust or the water out of your stuff, coolers are very handy suitcases. Before you know it, you have accumulated a big pile of them. If you stack them upside down in the off-season, dew and dust won't accumulate in them. 2) IE will take whatever font size the program used before it had been using, or the last program before it that had a font change setter built in. Just change the overall font size through Desktop, Properties, Appearance, Settings, Advanced, DPI settings. Experiment to find the ideal font size for your eyes and monitor distance, without having to change the IE setting. Chances are that the program, which had been leaving it's font settings for IE to trip over, will now appear to have larger fonts, but they will be easier to cope with than too small fonts in IE. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 14, 2007 - Kirkcubrightshire, UK - The Scotsman Fiona Boyd, 40, feared she was going to be crushed to death by the half-tonne cow after it kicked her to the ground, then rolled on top of her. She had been about to guide the normally placid animal and its calf towards a shed when the cow suddenly attacked. She believes she survived only because her horse, Kerry, raced to the rescue and kicked the cow until it moved off her. Yesterday, Mrs Boyd said: "I am in no doubt Kerry saved me. If she hadn't been grazing in the same pasture, I really believe I would have been killed. Kerry was fantastic. She saved my life." The drama unfolded as Mrs Boyd, a mother of two, was alone at home on her family farm at Chapmanton, near Castle Douglas, Kirkcudbrightshire. She had been cooking tea in the farmhouse when she heard the cries of a young calf in distress. When she went outside, she saw the calf had become separated from its mother and could not find her among the other cows in the herd. She decided to move the calf and its mother into a shed together, but as she approached the calf, its mother finally heard its distressed cries and charged at Mrs Boyd, knocking her to the ground. As she tried to get to her feet, the cow butted her and shouldered her again to the ground, before dropping its full weight on top of her. Winded and in great pain, she rolled up into a ball - fearing she was about to be killed. As she scrambled for cover, she saw her 15-year-old chestnut mare kicking wildly at the cow. As the horse hit out at the cow, Mrs Boyd managed to crawl 20ft to safety under an electric fence. Despite her ordeal Mrs Boyd escaped serious injury. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1280312007
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Eliminate Food Waste Make sure to freeze leftovers if you don't think you will be able to eat them soon. Don't buy more dairy, fruits or vegetables than you can eat before they go bad. When you buy meat, always have a plan for it. Return foods to the grocery store that spoil before their expiration date.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his butt over by the holy water," said the boy. ============================================= WITH LOVE, FROM CLEM The campaign for mayor was going full force. There were two men running for the position, Doug and Matt. The final speeches were due that night. Matt, a bachelor was ready. Doug? Well he had a wife, kids plus a dog that was slowly turning his hair grey. Whenever he walked into his house, he listened to a long string of what Clem, their dog had done wrong that day. Clem loved to chew things to bits. Nothing was safe, furniture, the interior of the car, boots, the fishiing gear in the garage. The dog had even developed a liking for the bark on the young trees planted that spring. When Doug arrived home to get dressed for the final debate, he caught Clem polishing off on end of an oar, plus he had chomped his way through a rubber raft. Doug angrily informed his family that he was givng Clem away. Meanwhile, he hurried into his best suit, dashed out to the car, parked it, then went right on stage. He bustled around making sure the chairs were in line. Each time he turned his back to the people, he was puzzled to hear whistles. His wife dragged him off the stage, ordering him to strip his pants off. He was shocked. She never acted like this! She yanked his trousers down, showing him the entire seat of the pants had been chewed out, revealing some interesting under wear. Clem again! Doug won the election. His wife felt it was because the people liked a man who was comfortable wearing bright pink boxer shorts, with small angel dogs floating on them. The family had wrapped them up as a Father's Day gift, with love, from Clem! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are sitting in a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but the steak on the menu is not available, as there's a shortage." The Texan asks, "What's a shortage?" The Russian asks, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker asks, "What the bloody hell does 'excuse me' mean?" ========================================
Thanks to Cookie for today's Bonus Link: Tree Carvings
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Quick Shutdown 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 14, 2007
=========================================

A leader is a dealer in hope.
--- Napoleon Bonaparte

=======================================

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business
trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at
his hotel if there's any place to get any other type of food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place
that delivers nearby. Back in his room, the businessman
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery boy shows up at the door.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing
uncontrollably.
"What the hell did you put on this pizza?" he asks.
The deliveryman bows deeply.
"Just what you orda, sir: 'pepper only.'"

=======================================

In a small town in the Northeast, there is a rather sizable
factory that hires only married men. Concerned that the
factory might be practicing discrimination, a local woman
calls on the manager and asks him, "Why is it you limit your
employees to married men? Is it because you think women
are weak? Dumb? Cantankerous? What?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replies. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut
and don't pout when I yell at them."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

An aged farmer and his wife are leaning against the edge of
their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalls that the
next week will mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggests.
"We can kill a pig."

The farmer scratches his grizzled head.
"Gee," he says, "I don't see why the pig should take the
blame for something that happened 50 years ago."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tom Beech, 20, of Wokingham, Berkshire, UK Public Sniveling is career limiting August 9, 2007 - Wokingham, Berkshire, UK - Ananova An Argos worker got sacked for criticising his bosses on a website. Tom Beech, 20, was so fed-up after a bad day at work so he logged on to Facebook the social networking site and set up I Work At Argos And Can't Wait To Leave Because It's Sh**. But his furious bosses found out half-an-hour later and told him to shut down his posting, which attracted just three people, reports The Sun. Tom was suspended from his £6.55 ($13.17) an-hour job in Wokingham, Berkshire. A disciplinary hearing later sacked him for gross misconduct. Tom said: "I'm stunned they've fired me for this. I had a really bad day and was feeling overworked and under-paid. "My mistake was to sound off on Facebook. I wish I'd moaned at a mate." Tom plans to appeal and denied setting up a new group on Facebook called Argos Has Ruined My Life. Argos confirmed Tom was sacked after "placing inappropriate entries on Facebook." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2453429.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture. Her car ? =========================================== The old family doctor still makes house calls. One afternoon he is called to a house where a housewife is in terrible pain. He goes into the bedroom to examine her. The doctor comes out of the bedroom after only a minute and asks her husband, "Do you have a hammer?" The puzzled husband goes to the garage and returns with a hammer. The doctor thanks him and goes back into the bedroom. A minute later, he comes out and asks, "Do you have a chisel?" The husband gets him one. In the next 10 minutes, the doctor asks for and receives a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request gets to the man. "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replies the doctor. "I can't get my instrument bag open." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Andrew Re: Quick Shut-Down Dear Webby, I need a way to quickly shut down a program that frequently locks up. I know I can shut it down by opening the task manager, finding it in there and hitting End. But that is too slow and klutzy. Andrew Dear Andrew Find the exact name of the task in the task manager. Let's say it is "converter" Write a bat with a text editor: @echo off tskill converter echo Converter stopped pause exit Save that to C:\ and make a shortcut icon to it. Then go into the properties of that shortcut and assign a Hotkey, for example ALT C. From then on, hitting ALT C or clicking that icon will instantly end that program, no matter how badly stuck it is. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Feldkirch, Austria - UPI A British woman has given birth in Austria to a rare set of identical triplets. Doctors say identical triplets occurs in only one in 150,000 pregnancies, although many of those are not carried to term because of the increased risk of complications, The Times of London said Wednesday. The three little girls -- Amy, Kim and Zoë -- were born Monday to Mae Christina Astley at Feldkirch State Hospital in western Austria. The father is Austrian, the newspaper said http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-222216-280610 --------------------- Feldkirch is the town where I went to College and University, a long time ago. The morning after the last exam, I emigrated to North America.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Used Paint Thinner Put used paint thinner into a glass or metal container with a tight fitting lid. The paint particles will sink to the bottom, leaving you with clear paint thinner towards the top. Just pour off the clear paint thinner and discard the paint particles at the bottom.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== Three ministers are having lunch one day and complain about sudden infestations of bats in their churches. "I've had those things in my loft and attic all summer," one says. "I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them away." "Yeah, me too," the second minister says. "I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away." "I had a problem with them, too," the third minister says. "But I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since." ============================================= NEW BREEDS OF DOGS Another dog lover sent these giggles to me, I have to share them! PEKINGESE & LHASO APSO = Peekasso, an abstract dog COLLIE & MALAMUTE = Commute, a dog that travels to work DEERHOUND & TERRIER = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end BLOODHOUND & LABRADOR = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly BLOODHOUND & BORZOI = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not very much fun SPITZ & CHOW CHOW = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot POINTER & SETTER = Poinsetter, a very traditional Christmas gift COLLIE & LHASO APSO = Collapso, a dog that folds up nicely for transport BULLDOG & SHIH TZU = Bullshitz PEKINGESE & DACHSHUND = the Peking Dach, generally owned by Chinese restaurants Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A dad picks his boy up at school to take him to a dental appointment. "Well, son," the father asks, "what happened at school today?" "Dad, I got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 20 years." "That's great, son," the proud father says. "Keep up the good work and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canned milk
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Wallpaper resolution 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 13, 2007
=========================================

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
--- Bertrand Russell

=======================================

A man is away on a business trip for a few days, and when
he returns, his wife tells him that the dog really missed him.
"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return,"
she says.
"What an example of true love," her husband replies.
"I wonder if you would be that concerned about me?"
"Honey," she answers, "if you were gone overnight, and I
didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting
for you at the front door."

=======================================

There are doctors and there are doctors. That's a lesson a
young woman at a barbecue learns when she introduces
herself to another guest.
She had heard him addressed as 'doctor,' so she says,
"Doctor, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he says.
"Well, I have been having a funny pain right here, above
 the heart."
The guest interrupts her, "I'm terribly sorry, but the truth is,
I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," says the young woman, "I'm sorry."
Embarrassed, she turns away, but curiosity gets the better
of her. "Just one more question, Doctor," she says.
"What kind of disease is philosophy?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A well-off young man is moving from apartment to another
a few streets away.

Observing with dismay the carefree way in which the moving
crew yanks his cherished antiques about, he decides he'll
carry a tall grandfather's clock, which he prizes highly.

Taking the clock in his arms he starts for the new house.
But the clock is as tall as its owner and heavy, so he has
to put it down every few feet to rest his arms and mop his
brow. Then he clutches the clock again and staggers on.

He's nearly at the new house when a drunk, who's been
watching the fellow struggle, calls out to him.
"Mischter," he says thickly, "can I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" the exhausted young man says.
"Why the heck don shou carry a watch?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 21 year old woman in Seattle, WA Bimbo Malfunction August 11, 2007 - Seattle, Washington - AP A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he “sucked” before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said. The man was singing “Yellow” when it happened. “It took three or four of us to hold her down,” bartender Robert Willmette said. When she was escorted outside, the 21-year-old woman “went crazy,” Willmette said, throwing punches at him and others, including an off-duty police officer. Patrol officers and detectives then arrived at the neighborhood bar and blocked off the street, which inflamed the woman’s rage even more, a police report said. Before police could handcuff the woman, she headbutted the off-duty officer at least twice. The off-duty officer was treated for cuts, scrapes and bruises. After treatment for injuries, the woman was booked into the King County jail for investigation of assault. She was also held on a warrant issued for a previous theft charge. According to bartender notes, she had only a single shot of Jagermeister. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 25-ap.html =========================================== =========================================== A young fellow just out of medical school moves out to a small community to replace a doctor who is retiring. The older gent suggests the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community can become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." "Well," says the older doctor, "you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they leave the younger man says, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor says, "Pretty clever. I'll have to remember that." Arriving at the next house, they spend several minutes talking with a young woman. She complains that she just doesn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately," she says. "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor tells her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they leave, the older man says, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Wallpaper Dear Webby, that picture is gorgeous! I saved it as wallpaper immediately and it looks great. Why would I need a different version for my monitor? Irene Dear Irene To make the pictures look OK on as many different mail readers as possible, I shrink them down to 550 pixels wide. If you have your monitor set to 2000 x 1500, the wallpaper stretches those 550 pixels to 2000. It still looks OK, but quite flat and washed out when compared to all 2000 original pixels showing. When the wallpaper stretches a picture, it simply fills the mising 1450 pixels with the same colors as the nearest ones, instead of the original ones. 2000 x 1500 are 3 Million pixels 550 x 375 are 206,250 pixels, less than a quarter Million. So, by stretching, you get 1 / 12th of the original pixels, and have 11 / 12th of them filled in with bland approximations. It is well worth it to use an original sized for your monitor. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11, 2007 - North Wales, UK - Ananova A golf-mad family scored a hat-trick of holes-in-one in three days - beating odds of 15 million-to-one. Mum Gill Mackenzie, 45, who has a 27 handicap, got the ball rolling with a perfect 116-yard pitch that flew straight into the 9th. Just 24 hours later husband Ray aced a 115-yard tee shot on the 11th green. Then son Sam, 14, who shares a 16 handicap with his dad, repeated the feat at the 11th hole of the Llanfairfechan Golf Club near the family's home in North Wales. A spokesman for William Hill said the odds of such a hat-trick were "between 10 and 15 million to one". Ray, 47, who took up golf three years ago, said: "The tremendous thing is that Sam had bought a pack of balls for Fathers' Day and we both got the holes-in-one with balls from the pack." Last year Dafydd Owen scored two holes-in-one in one round at the course. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2456288.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Camping Coolers Before storing your coolers between camping trips, wash, dry completely and fill with crumpled newspapers. This will eliminate musty odors and mildew. It also works for camper refrigerators and iceboxes. If the coolers are properly washed with dish soap or water with a little bit of bleach, and then dried open in bright sunlight for a day, they can be stacked upside down in a shed, garage, camper or boat. Fridges are best stored with the door open. If the fridge is big enough for a small kid or pet to crawl in, you are required by law to remove the door or chain it open. Newspapers are still a good idea for hiking boots and fishing boots and waders. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
======================================== A father attends a PTA meeting where the principal explains that the school's sex education classes are to begin soon and urges the parents to have some basic discussions with their kids at home first. The father had given his older boy a "birds and bees" talk two years before and wants to spare himself the ordeal again. When he gets home, he calls the boy into the study and asks him to give his younger brother the instruction he had been given two years before. The boy agrees and rushes off to talk with his younger brother. "Hey, bro," he says, "want to know something?" "What?" the younger lad asks. "You know how a man and a woman get together when they want to have kids?" "Yeah?" "Well, Dad wants me to tell you that birds and bees and flowers do the same thing." ============================================= NO SALE TODAY Don was at the lake training his Golden Retriever to fetch plastic ducks he had thrown into the water. Other breeders of highly skilled retrievers were watching. They thought his sweet natured dog was a joke. Telling him to get a "real dog" they continued bating him. Don had two of his Golden's puppies. They sat on the bank watching the entire process with great interest. Once at home, Don had to admit, he really didn't have a bird dog. He had a lovely dog, and two very nice puppies. Some of the men from the lake dropped in to visit, bring their "trained "dogs along. They began a game of fetch with the dogs. Don's dog went every time to get the stick. The other dogs acted bored. The tables turned, when the two puppies came through the hedge from the yard next door. Each of them struggled with their prize. They both had stolen plastic birds from the garden, that were put out for decoration. The trained dogs looked with interest at the puppies. The pups proudly trotted over to Don, dropping the things at his feet. Don had the last laugh. When one of the men asked how much he wanted to sell the pups for, Don just grinned, he was keeping his highly skilled dogs all to himself. No sale today boys! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A little boy comes home from the playground with a bloody nose, a black eye and torn clothing. It is obvious he was in a bad fight and he lost. While his father is patching him up, he asks his son what happened. "Well, Dad," says the boy, "I challenged a kid at school to a duel, and I gave him his choice of weapons." "Uh-huh," says the father, "that seems fair." "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: National Geographic
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: Tonight's Meteor Shower 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 12, 2007
=========================================

Our real problem is not our strength today; it is rather the
vital necessity of action today to ensure our strength tomorrow."
--- Calvin Coolidge

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.
--- Professor Irwin Corey

=======================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
Two Mexicans are riding along Pacific Coast Highway on a
motorcycle. They break down and start hitching a lift. A
friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans
ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in as he is
carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to
fit in the back with their bike will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike
into the back of the trailer, so the driver shuts the doors
and gets on his way.   By this time he is really late and so
puts his foot down.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding.
The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which
he replies jokingly-- "Mexican eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to
take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it
and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate
backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires
so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-trailer here with 20,000 Mexican eggs
in it - 2 have hatched and they have already managed to
steal a motorcycle.

=======================================

A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon
she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the
testing stage, but he will do what he can.

The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time
she returns to the surgeon's office to have the bandages
removed and the stitches taken out. After examining her,
the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well,
and she seems pleased with his work.
The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in
 a rage. "You know what you did?" she screams.
"You gave me a man's ears."

"Well," says the surgeon, "an ear is an ear. What's wrong?
Can't you hear?"
"I hear everything," she says.
"The problem is I don't understand anything I'm told."

======================================

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===========================================

Since this is their first party and the wife hasn't done much
cooking, the husband suggests they order out for Chinese
food and she could bake a cake for dessert. She agrees,
but on Friday afternoon, the wife calls her husband in tears.

"The only recipe I can find is for a cake that will feed four,"
she says.
"Why don't you just double the recipe?" her husband asks.

Just before quitting time the husband gets another call from
her, and this time she is frantic.
"I just can't do it," she says. "It's impossible."
"Now, now, what's the matter?"
"Well, I doubled everything, just like you said," she tells him,
"and it's ready to go in the oven."
"Then what's the problem?" he asks.
The wife sobs. "The book says that the cake must be baked
at 350 degrees. I've checked the oven and it doesn't go up to
700 degrees!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Krystian Bala, Warsaw, poland Confession, or publicity stunt? August 11, 2007 - Warsaw, Poland - CNews The media call it the "Murder, He Wrote" trial and it is captivating Polish society in a long hot summer. The case concerns an esteemed author on trial for a murder which provided the plot for one of his novels. Prosecutors claim Krystian Bala killed a friend of his ex-wife and then used details of the crime for his best-seller, Amok. They say descriptions of the ropes used to bind his victim, the torture he suffered before death and the manner in which his life ended were retold in a thriller. Compounding his guilt, claim the prosecution, was the fact that Bala even sent a copy of the novel to the attorney general in Warsaw, as if he was taunting the authorities to arrest him. Ultimately, they did and now he could face up to 25 years in jail if found guilty of murdering Darius Jerzesky. Chief Inspector Jack Wroblewski says he received an anonymous call five years after the body was found in December 2000, "telling me to read Amok, which was published in 2003." Mr Wroblewski read the novel - a tale of how a group of intellectuals delve into sex, drugs and torture - and believed similarities between fact and "fiction" were striking. "The book contains intimate details of the killing that only the killer could have known," added the inspector. Bala claims he has been framed to cover up for a "bungled" police investigation, and says he was tortured by his captors during a day of interrogation. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1255972007 =========================================== Thanks to my dad for sending me this picture: This one bloomed today: Microcarpa-boolii If you want this picture for your wallpaper collection, tell me what resolution you have. I prepared them for 800x600, 1024x768, 1200x900, 1600x1200 and 2000x1500. -------------------- Re yesterday's picture, Jay wrote me: Sunset at Nikumaroro. Photo by John Clauss. Nikumaroro island is part of the Gilbert Islands where Amelia Earhart supposedly crashed. =========================================== Two confirmed bachelors are talking and their conversation drifts from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook last Christmas," says the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asks the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and ...'" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rick Re: Mars next spring Dear Webby, "It will be close again next spring, " Sorry, that's not right. It will be closest Christmas Eve, 2007! But you'll need about 120 power to make it as big as a full moon as it will be only 15" of arc across when closest and the moon is about half a degree in diameter. Your one eye on each trick works well that night as Mars will be just to the right of the full moon! By spring it will again be too far for good telescope viewing. Mars comes around about every 2 years and 1 month so next time will be January 29, 2010, then March 3, 2012, and finally April 8, 2014 when it will first be closest in spring. These dates are using Universal Time (used to be GMT) since your readers are around the world. Thanks for mentioning the big as a full moon crap going around. Rick Dear Rick Sorry about that! I'm not a professional astronomer and just took a rough guess based on the fact that Mars currently is on the far side of sun. Currently I am more interested in the Perseids Meteor shower. I'm sure Rick knows all about it, but for the rest of you: Peak will be tonight, Sunday, at 11 PM Pacific, Midnight Central and 2 AM Monday Eastern time. However, don't get hung up on that precise time! It's just that at the peak the shooting stars will be the most frequent, 3 - 4 per minute if you are in the mountains, 1 - 2 per minute if you are in town. Right now, as I am writing this on the laptop out on the deck, they are about 5 minutes apart. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11, 2007 - Wales, UK - CNews Red-haired people are to be offered free entry to a festival celebrating all things ginger. The National Botanic Garden of Wales claims the event on 26 August will be the country's first "Ginger Family Festival". The day will celebrate the opening of the Tropical House at the tourist attraction in Carmarthenshire, which features many exotic examples of the plant family Zingiberaceae, also known as the ginger family. Wearers of comedy ginger wigs will not qualify for free entry. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1253732007
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Hydrogen Peroxide Hydrogen Peroxide is effective for blood stains and other organic stains. It can have a bleaching effect so you will want to pretest it before applying it to any stain. For blood stains on carpet, pour peroxide directly on the stain and blot with clean cloth.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A salesman of many years is tired of his job and gives it up to become a policeman. One day, while he's walking his beat, he meets an old friend who asks him how he likes his new work. "Well," says the salesman-turned-cop, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad. But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." ============================================= PRETTY IN PINK In a divorced family, the kids spend part time with each parent. In this case, a 7 year old girl went to spend the summer with her dad, who worked in a motorcycle repair shop. He had a large, tough looking dog that was used as the night guard dog. The man's little girl fell in love with the big brute, who really was a teddy bear with people. She implored her dad to please let the dog stay at the house to play with her. He agreed. If he had only known what she was teaching his dog to do, he would have put a stop to it on the spot. The girl and the dog often walked down town to meet her dad for lunch. He never thought anything of it. The time came for the child to return home to her mom. The dog went back to his night time duty, but he had become used to going to meet his owner for lunch. To the extreme embarrassment of his owner, the first day the dog showed up at noon, caused the men to almost roll on the floor in hilarity. Down the street thundered the huge dog. Looking every inch a dog to be reckoned with, except for one thing. In his mouth he packed a dainty, pink purse. It swung to and fro prettily as he lumbered along. He had done this every day with his little person. To the huge delight of the men, he refused to give up his possession. He had no idea that each day he provide the town with a good laugh. He was a guard dog, he did his duty, even if it included making his owner look a wee bit foolish. As the men said, the dog had the right to look "stylish!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Two sweet young ladies are driving through Louisiana. When they reach the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one asks the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please tell us where we are? We're having trouble deciding how to pronounce it." The Asian looking manager leans over the counter and says, "Goodness Gwacious Mee, you ah at Belga Kink." (Burger King) ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Perseids Star Shower
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Mars in August 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 11, 2007
=========================================

A good friend is a connection to life -
a tie to the past, a road to the future,
the key to sanity in a totally insane world.
--- Lois Wyse

=======================================

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian
at my bank.  The operator asked me what Ian's last name
was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname.
When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.
"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she
advised me rather curtly.
After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for
her name.
"Danielle," she said.
"And your last name?" I asked.
"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

=======================================

That reminds me, ... At one bank that I used to deal with,
they had five ladies named Joan. Even though they had
some delightful visual differences, especially two of them,
they all sounded the same on the phone.
Me: .. can I please talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's on vacation.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's sick today.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She is busy with a client.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: She's gone for an early lunch.
Me: Oh, OK. In that case, can I talk to Joan?
Receptionist: Speaking. What can Ido to help you?
Me: Can I make an appointment to talk to Joan?
Receptionist: Certainly. Will 2 PM work for you?
Me: Perfect. I'll be there.
And I hung up before she could ask me which Joan.

======================================

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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Jill was in bed with a man who was not her husband and things
were heating up. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

"Oh my God, your husband is home. What am I going to do?"

"Aw, just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he
ain't gonna notice you here with me."

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful
than the thought of getting caught in bed with Jill, so he trusted
her advice.

Sure enough, Jill's husband came crawling into bed and as
he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets,
exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled, "What the heck is going on? I see six
feet at the end of the bed."

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe
me,count them again."

The husband then got out of bed, and re-counted, "One,
two, three, four... by gosh, you're right, dear!" as he stumbled
back into bed.....

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 4 Juveniles in Pasadena, MD Messy burglars August 9, 2007 - Pasadena, Maryland - AP Doctors often warn of the health risks of eating junk food but it seems the treats can be a problem for burglars, too. Corporal Mark Shawkey, a spokesman for the Anne Arundel County Police Department, says four teenagers broke into a Maryland gas station early Wednesday and left a trail of candy bar wrappers along the road. A police dog located the teens 400 metres away. Three boys and a girl, ages 15 and 16, were charged with burglary and theft. They were not named because of their ages. Shawkey says the teens stole candy, chips and cigars from the B-P station. Most of the junk food was found scattered around the road where they were apprehended. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2 ... 29-ap.html =========================================== =========================================== A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?" There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Annette Re: Mars on Aug 27 Dear Webby, Watch the SKY on Aug. 27 12:30 am EDT *Two moon on 27 August* *27th Aug the Whole World is waiting for.............* Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will cultivate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of earth. Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the earth has 2 moons. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Share this with your friends as NO ONE ALIVE TODAY will ever see it again. Annette Dear Annette You are going to be very disappointed on Aug 27. That's an old AOL hoax. Right now Mars is far away, on the other side of the sun. Between now and mid September you won't be able to see it at all. It will be close again next spring, however, it never has and never will appear as big as the moon to the naked eye. To the naked eye it will always be a twinkly star, and the difference between a normal and a very clear night will always be bigger to the naked eye, than the apparent size difference due to distance. At it's closest approach, about every two years, if you look at Mars with a 75x scope with one eye, and at the moon with the naked other eye, they will appear about the same size. Right now, if your sky is clear, you should be looking for falling stars. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Weelington, New Zealand - AP A thief was convicted and fined after being spotted on a video posted on the Web site YouTube. The man was taped slowly circling the store, stealing a laptop computer, slipping the computer into his overcoat and stepping out of the store in the South Island town of Greymouth, local media reported Friday. The whole performance was posted on YouTube — set to ''The Pink Panther'' music track — and attracted 500,000 hits from around the globe. One viewer recognized the man and alerted police. Dawson Anthony Bliss, 50, was convicted of theft in Greymouth District Court on Thursday after pleading guilty. Judge Gary MacAskill fined Bliss $1,485 and ordered him to pay $1,478 in reparation. Greymouth on South Island's west coast is 234 miles south of the capital, Wellington. http://www.happynews.com/news/8102007/y ... -thief.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sale Check List Here is a list of items you will want to have on hand before the day of your sale: price tags, a change box with change, poster board and pens for sign making, beverages, shade, tables and tarps or blankets (To cover your merchandise, if needed.)
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Thanks to Nancy for this report: I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times. ============================================= RING AROUND THE POMERANIAN Rawhide treats for dogs come in many different shapes and sizes. I often bought them for my two dogs, one a tiny Pomeranian, the other a Rottweiler. My large dog was well trained, he was always very gentle with the Pom who often was quite cranky with him. I had given out new rawhide treats to the dogs, when my neighbor came screaming to the door. "Hurry, your bit dog is dragging the small one around by it's neck!" Horrified I dashed outside, and sure enough, the Rottie had my tiny Pom, but something just didn't look as if the large dog was trying to hurt my baby Pom. I gave him to order to drop it, he did, and we had to laugh when we saw what was going on. My Pom had shoved her head into a round rawhide chewy, she looked as if she had a thick collar on. My big old dog was trying to get it off her. The Pom was doing her thing, snarling and snapping at him. While it was funny, it was a lesson well learned. No more chewy rings, keep my sassy Pomeranian away from the big dog during treat time, and make sure I had lots of calming tea for my poor shook up neighbor. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?" A little boy answered: "My MUMMY says my prayers." "I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mummy SAY?" Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: China - Guilin Li Rive
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: is there good spyware? 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 10, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
=========================================

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew
and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
--- W. C. Fields

The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press,
is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish.
--- Robert Jackson

=======================================

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six
months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you
know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a
half years ago."

=======================================

A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their
political differences.  Ten minutes into the meal, one
angrily pounded the table. "You're lying!" he shouted.

"Of course I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.  As the
bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg enough in the confines
of her skirt.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
 So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step.  Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
enough to make the step.

With another little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and still unable to make the step.  About this
time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
"How dare you touch me?!  I don't even know you!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
we was friends."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Submitted by Chris O Howlers August 8, 2007 - Sheboygan, Wisconsin - AP This isn't a man-bites-dog story, but it's close: Two women were arrested in Sheboygan after one barked at a police dog. Police responded at about 3:15 a.m. Saturday to a call about a disturbance between two groups of people in Sheboygan, according to the criminal complaint. They approached Lawanda E. Bowman, 23, of Sheboygan, because she "was crying and yelling out loud in a hysterical fashion." Bowman's friends told police she had been drinking. The officers learned there were two warrants for Bowman's arrest in Milwaukee County. She resisted when they tried to arrest her. As she resisted, Feliciana P. Harrell, 46, of Milwaukee, began yelling at the officers and barking at and agitating a K-9 dog brought in to help control the crowd. Police later determined the warrant had expired, but Bowman was charged Monday with disorderly conduct and resisting an officer. Harrell was charged with obstructing an officer and harassment of a police animal. The charges are misdemeanors. http://www.madison.com/wsj/home/local/i ... mp;ntpid=3 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her he asked. "Well, what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. She humbly asked. "What does it mean, Dad?" He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you," he asked his daughter. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Good Spyware ? Dear Webby, When using Spy Bot, are there any items we should look for that should not be deleted? Or whatever Spy Bot finds, get rid of it? Thanks, Carol Dear Carol Dear Carol There isn't really any Spyware or Malware that needs to be on the computer. I just let it rip and do it's stuff. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 8, 2007 - Minneapolis, Minnesota - Gimundo Remember Jeremy Hernandez, the 20-year-old camp counselor whose heroic actions saved the lives of 61 children and fellow counselors during the tragic bridge collapse in Minneapolis last week? It seems that amazing deeds like his don't go unnoticed — or unrewarded. Some accounts of Hernandez's story mentioned the sad fact that the young man had recently dropped out of the automotive- mechanic program at the Dunwoody School of Technology because he couldn't afford the annual $15,000 tuition. When alumni and staff members at Dunwoody read about Hernandez's incredible act of bravery, they went straight to school officials, pleading for their help. "Universally, they said we need to do something for this guy, " Dave Jarzyna, a Dunwoody spokesman, told the Minneapolis- St. Paul Star Tribune. "We're going to make sure that if he wants to come to Dunwoody, he'll have the resources to do that. " So the school has made a generous offer: They've agreed to give Hernandez a full scholarship for the remainder of his time in the program. In an email, school officials sang his praises: "Jeremy Hernandez is a hero. His quick thinking and composure in an emergency and commitment to the children in his care have inspired us all. " http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... ge_Tuition
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning With Washing Soda Washing soda is sometimes confused with baking soda but is very different. You can buy it in the laundry section as a laundry additive. You can make an effective scouring powder for cleaning out of washing soda and baking soda. Simply mix 1/4 cup washing soda with 1 cup baking soda.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they waited for their prescriptions at least helped me pass the time while I was waiting to talk to the druggist about his computer problem. When their meds were finally ready, they paid and walked away. The druggist stood there and shook his head. The little old lady ahead of me asked, "What's with them ?" He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's on Xanax and she's on Prozac....." "They are not getting laid enough," she replied with the final and unarguable logic of a 90+ year old. ============================================= COMING OF AGE Gumboot was in constant trouble. From the moment the ragtag dog had wandered in to stay at the farm he had done nothing but get into trouble. He chased the chickens, the cattle, the horses, even the old milk cow. He stole eggs from the hens, ate part of the farmer's gumboot, and packed the other away to hide it in a manure pile. The boys on the farm loved the dog, however their father said, if that dog does one more thing wrong, I'm going to take him out to the bush, and well, they boys knew what that meant. The farmer loved his family, but he doted on his sweet three year old daughter. With her bouncing curls, cute giggle, he just melted. She was playing with her toys when Gumboot went flying off the porch, knocking the farmer off his feet. That does it, he yelled, that damn dog is gone. He went around the corner to see the dog standing in front of his baby girl, keeping a large black bear at bay. Gumboot was willing to give his life to save the child. He had already been slashed on his face, but he refused to back down. Seeing an adult, the bear took off for the bush. Grabbing his baby, the man rushed her to the house. She was fine. He then picked up the dog, tenderly seeing to his wounds. Gumboot grew up that day. His status in the family changed. From that day on he walked proudly beside the farmer, who treated him with respect, even when Gumboot slipped now and then, chasing those crazy chickens right out of the yard. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Miss Prussy was going over mischievous Melvin Messpot's records with his anxious parents. On one page was the statement, "Melvin used fowl language today." Mr. Messpot, hoping to put the teacher in a bad light, snickered, "Ha! You spelled foul wrong." Miss Prussy corrected, "No, I meant F-O-W-L. Your child called me a big pile of chicken shit...." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Hot Air Ballon Group
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Replacement for Ad-Aware 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 9, 2007
=========================================

Delegating work works,
provided the one delegating works, too.
--- Robert Half

=======================================

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her
idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.
And stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up,
"Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

=======================================

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests
is to annoy people who are not in them.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
department store. Shyly, he walked up to the woman
behind the counter and said, "Yeah... Um... I'da...
I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquired the man. "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she brought his
attention to a sea of bras in every shape, size color and
material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras," informed the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what she meant.

The saleslady said, "As I said, 4 types: The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the
Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked,
"What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded plainly, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Pilaar, 33, of Denver, Colorado Book thief booked August 5, 2007 - Denver, Colorado - AP A library patron suspected of selling hundreds of books, tapes and DVDs he had borrowed has cost Denver-area libraries tens of thousands of dollars, officials said. Thomas Pilaar, 33, was suspected of using different names to obtain seven library cards from the Denver Public Library, then checking out 300 items per card and selling at least some of the items, KCNC-TV in Denver reported. "It appears his intent was to sell 2,100 (items) from the Denver Library collection," Denver Public Library spokeswoman M. Celeste Jackson told the station. She estimated the losses at about $35,000. Arapahoe County library administrators said Pilaar obtained three library cards and checked out 250 to 300 items. James Larue, Douglas County's head librarian, said Pilaar checked out more than 300 items from two county libraries and had $11,000 worth of overdue items. Authorities were tipped by a woman who recently bought books through Craigslist.org and noticed the library identification stamps. Pilaar was jailed on an unrelated parole violation and was being investigated for theft, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver prosecutor's office. He was being held without bond. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200708 ... NOLO0.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Doug and Bill were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race, the track tells the government." Bill says, "Well it could be worse." Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won $600." Bill sighs, "Telling your wife." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lisa Re: Ad-Aware Hi Dear Webby: I am using Ad-Aware SE personal. They notified me they won't be doing updates or giving help after December 0f 07. Any reccomendation to switch to after Dec. ? Thanks, Lisa Dear Lisa I have been doing quite fine without that program and don't see any need for it. Just use Spybot-Search&Destroy. It will take care of any of any nasty advertising Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Devon, Pennsylvania - Gimundo When Molly Houlahan, 15, and her 13-year old sister Carly, of Devon, Pa., lost their grandfather to throat cancer several years ago, they were so shaken by his death that they decided to take action against the horrible disease that had killed him — by raising bees. Since childhood, Molly and Carly had been interested in beekeeping — their other grandparents have several hives in their backyard. So in 2004, the two girls decided to start keeping their own beehives and selling the honey, donating 100 percent of their profits to the American Cancer Society to support cancer research and treatment. They christened their unique organization “Hives for Lives.” The sisters started small, selling jars of honey in their school and around the neighborhood. But these days, business is buzzing at Hives for Lives: in just three years of selling honey and related products like lip balms and lotions, they’ve raised more than $22,000 in donations to the American Cancer Society. Want to aid their cancer-curing mission? Buy a jar or two of the Houlahan sisters’ honey from their Web site, http://www.hivesforlives.com
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Meat Make multiple meals with the same cut of meat. For example, if you buy ham or roast, plan on making a large pot of soup with the leftovers. Whole chickens can be less expensive than chicken pieces and the bones can be used for soup stock.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied. ============================================= PRICKLY SITUATION It was the third day of a dog trial show. The dog handlers were getting their dogs ready to go through their paces in the ring. On the sidelines, excited dogs barked, waiting anxiously for their turn. To them, it was all just great fun. No dog was a loser, no matter how they "placed" each owner or handler lavished great praise on the dogs for the effort and enthusiasm they put into the day. That's way it was such a puzzle, when a Border Collie who had been winning every day, dashed into a tunnel, but backed out just as fast. He was the first dog to compete that day. His handler ordered him to go back, into the tunnel, but the dog again backed out faster than when he went in. So, to the great delight of the watching crowd, the owner, on hands and knees went into the tunnel, and she came backing out just as fast as the dog. Only this time something else came out. A huge porcupine. He had crawled into the tunnel during the night, hearing the dogs had decided to stay put. It was too much for the crowd. There were hollers to the judges, on how to grade the critter. The dogs were going crazy, until some thoughtful person stuck a shovel under the animal, took it into the nearby woods, and let it loose. The Border Collie went on to be the big winner of the weekend. However every dog who went into the tunnel, took extra time. They had ribbons to win, but more important, they had a lot of sniffing to do where that porcupine had sat. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Steve considers himself fairly strong, but was dismayed that that he couldn't even lift the 35 pound barbell in the Sporting Goods area. He tried but just simply couldn't lift it. So he tried the 15 pound bar. He still couldn't budge it and looked quite depressed about his own physical strength. I have never done any weight lifting, but after spending many years in the bush and in mines, those silly toys looked like no problem at all. So I grabbed one and yanked it up with a good tug, - and knocked the display over. OOOPS! That's when we realized they had been epoxied onto the shelves. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: The Island of Philae and the Temple of Isis
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Stuck MailWasher 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 8, 2007
=========================================

Time is the friend of the wonderful company,
the enemy of the mediocre.
— Warren Buffett

When one door closes, another opens;
but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door
that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
--- Alexander Graham Bell

=======================================

A little boy returning home from his first day at school
said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational
theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all
aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form which he had brought home from school and said,
"Yes, I knew all that, but how am I going to get all
that into this one little box?"

=======================================

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching
the sun rise.  He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying
something big under his arm.  He yells out
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chicken."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chicken with
chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chicken caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun
rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of
round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with
duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and
to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the
unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by
carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on
the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up....  I'll get my hat...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made
a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right
behind us did the same thing."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a blind driver in Tartu, Estonia Blind driver August 6, 2007 - Tallin, Estonia - Rueters Police in the Baltic state of Estonia stopped a man who was driving erratically at the weekend, only to find he was blind. The 20-year-old was driving in the southern city of Tartu early Sunday -- helped by instructions from his 16-year-old passenger. "At first they thought he was just drunk, but the man kept missing the tube for the breath test, then they realized he was blind and arrested him", Tartu Police spokeswoman Marge Kohtla said Monday. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... a_blind_dc ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." So she said come right on in. He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!" And he said, "Hello, Darlin!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Mailwasher stuck Dear Webby Could you tell me why Mail Washer Pro, isn't working right??? All of a sudden, I have to separate the spam myself, and the icon doesn't blink anymore when new e mail arrives. Yesterday, it stopped working altogether and all my mail went into my outlook, I unchecked the boxes, send and receive e mail on start up and, check for messages every so many minutes Thanks Ann Dear Ann I had to ask the good folks at MailWasher about that. Jeremy told me that it seems that a power failure or crash shut it down too quickly, before it could tuck it's marbles away and close it's restore bin and training archive. No panic. Click on HELP, About, and on the link to where those files are at the bottom there. Then close MailWasher. Windows can't delete those files while MailWasher is trying to open them. Once MailWasher is closed, delete the "Trash.rot135" file and the "Training" Folder. After that MailWasher will start up normally and work fine. Jeremy also suggested that you might be due for a free update to the current version. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Berlin, Germany - AP Germany's national railway wasn't about to risk sending a trainload of soccer fans to a German Cup match without beer. Federal police said Monday that the beer tap failed aboard a special train carrying Bayer Leverkusen fans to Hamburg on Saturday. The fault was discovered half an hour into the journey. "In order not to endanger the good mood" of the passengers, railway officials halted the train in Wuppertal for 25 minutes and had a replacement part delivered by taxi, a police statement said. It added that there was no trouble among the fans. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/ ... 9782.shtml
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Up After Mowing Saving Money at Starbucks Save money at Starbucks by ordering smaller beverages. If you currently order a grande, try scaling back to a tall. You can also try to make Starbucks a reward rather than a daily habit. It's a bit beyond me why anybody would want to pay big money for burned dish water, no refills, and play waiter or waitress on top of it. Must be some weird cult! Luckily there are usually some restaurants close by, where I can get a sandwich and a decent coffee, with free refills, served to me for what a weird "coffee" costs at Starbucks. DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he had just inherited a million dollars. Everyone was afraid the shock would give him a heart attack. So the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would you do if you inherited a million dollars?" And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the church." At which the pastor fell over dead. ============================================= RULES FOR DOGS Following is a list of things dogs can do to drive their owners crazy. Learn to open the cupboard, grab a can of pop, bite it then run when it explodes. Mom gets to clean up the mess. Snoop through the laundry basket, bring out her undies to share with her guests at a dinner party. Bride is getting ready for her big day. Steal her veil then play catch me with a pack of screaming women. Play dumb. When company comes and mom wants you to show off all the tricks you learned, don't do em'. Wait until everyone has left, then go through the entire routine. Drives the family nuts. Make sure you use their lap to soak up the water after you have had a nice long drink. Beg. Use your eyes, drool, cry a little, act starved, put a paw on their knee, shiver and shake. If you keep at it long enough they will give you a bit of whatever they are eating. Start over. Get along with the cat while the family is home. When they leave, chase the heck out of it, making sure the house is a mess when they get back. Be in your bed, faking sleep. Hopefully the cat will be blamed. Most importantly. Eat something horrid, then wash their faces. Remember to show them lots of doggie affection so they readily forgive you for the above actions. Start thinking of new ways to drive them batty! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and whispered to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems, and she instantly fell in love with me." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vintage jewely Ads
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Parts of a CD listed in Favorites 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 7, 2007
=========================================

Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who
has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own.
--- Sidney J. Harris

=======================================

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new
CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning
on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is
his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks,
"And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams,
"Here's a week's pay.  Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker,
the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone
want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Delivering pizza."

=======================================

At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went
up to the host and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Scuse me,
but do lemons have feathers?"

"I beg your pardon?" replied the host.

The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as
he struggled to hold his balance.

A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so."

The drunk sheepish said, "Oopssss."

"What?" asked the host.

"I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the
water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.  As he was
dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at
him.  He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's
kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?"
Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma"
exclaimed Johnny.  "There's a BIG ole' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ole' alligator, Johnny.  He's been
there for many years now, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma,"  replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me
as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Douglas Powell, 40, and Timmy Belding, 35 in Portland, Oregon Candid Web Camera July 3, 2007 - Portland, Oregon - IBS Police are asking for help in finding a suspect in a burglary that was caught on camera at a southeast Portland home. Police said a Web camera captured a portion of the burglary at the home May 16. David Shaffer, 46, who lives at the home, gave the Webcam video to police, and officers said they were able to identify the suspects as Douglas Powell, 40, and Timmy Belding, 35. Shaffer called 911 to report the burglary as soon as he returned home, according to police. Belding has since been arrested and is being held at the Multnomah County Jail. Powell, however, is still wanted by police. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/13613201/detail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Jill continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Jill gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Jill said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Daniel Re: CD to Favorite Dear Webby another question. is it possible to add a song that i am playing from a cd on my computer to " favorites " ? thanks again, daniel, Dear Daniel With some browsers you can, but you can always make a desktop shortcut to it. It will only work when you got that particular CD in the machine. If you want it to work at all times, copy that song to the hard drive and THEN make a desktop shortcut to it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - AP A man who claims to be the "kissing sailor" made famous in a 1945 Life magazine photo thwarted an apparent burglary attempt in his home, pinning down an intruder until police arrived. Carl Muscarello, a retired New York City detective, said he was in the bedroom when he heard his 67-year-old wife scream from the kitchen. Running to investigate, the 80-year-old retiree said he saw a man swinging a golf club at his 36-year-old stepson. One of the intruders ran out the front door, but Muscarello managed to subdue the other. "I jumped on this man's back and put a chokehold on him. I was surprised I could do it," said Muscarello. "I had him pinned down to the concrete by the pool floor when the police got here. He said, 'Let me go — I'll give you plenty of money."' Muscarello claims to be the tall, dark-haired sailor photographed kissing a nurse in Times Square during street celebrations of the Japanese surrender on Aug. 14, 1945. Several men have purported to be that sailor, but the woman Life identified in 1980 as the nurse has said she believes Muscarello is the one she smooched.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Up After Mowing Use a blower or broom to clean grass clippings off your walkways and mower. Make sure to remove grass from any drains to prevent clogging. Compost bagged clippings instead of throwing them away or just leave them to mulch the lawn.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ============================================= A FEW GREAT QUOTES Much has been written about the loyalty of dogs, but what I love about them isn't their devotion to me as much as their devotion to being alive. Will Rogers The censure of a dog is something no man can stand. Christopher Morley (1890 - 1857) As I get older, I feel myself becoming more and more of a dog, and I feel my dog becoming more and more of an aristocrat. Paul Claudel ( 1868 - 1955) No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does. Christopher Morley (1980 - 1957) The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. Samuel Coldridge Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered with a sad and disappointed voice, "Thou shall not kill." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scepdic's Dictionary
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dea Webby: Yahoo #1000 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 6, 2007
=========================================

Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments,
and they wander off through equation after equation, and
eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
--- Nikola Tesla, Modern Mechanics and Inventions, July, 1934

(Tesla was the inventor of ALL the AC motors)

=======================================

Dear Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only two of our tents and four
sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened.  Oh
yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write
because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.
 It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone
without telling anyone.  Hector said he did tell him, but it was during
the fire so he probably didn't hear him.  Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  Larry is
going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It
wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We
think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's
hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with
10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman
stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry,
he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching his brother Doug how to
drive.  But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there
isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out
in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and
Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the
canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby
like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Rob
dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Bruce and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way
with the food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and become our
scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.

I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets and more dynamite.

Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Dave

=======================================

If the car ad claims... It really means:

- rough condition... too bad to lie about
- parts car... beyond repair
- immaculate... recently washed
- engine quiet... if you use 90-weight oil
- needs minor overhaul... needs engine
- needs major overhaul... Phone the junkyard
- burns no oil... (it all leaks out)
- rebuilt engine... Cleaned the spark plugs.
- Drive it away... I live on a hill.
- Drive it anywhere... (within 10 miles)
- desirable classic... No one wants it.
- rare classic... No one wanted it even when it was new.
- stored 20 years... (in a farmer's field)
- ran when stored... Won't start
- my grandmother's car... First gear is worn out
- was just driven by a little old lady... At the dirt track
- good rubber.... A few years ago
- needs inspection.... Can't find a mechanic who will lie

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing.
Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other
places, but he continued to come to the choir.
The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.
"If you don't, I'm going to resign.  The choir members are
going to quit too.  Please do something."

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you
should leave the choir."

"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

That's nothing," the man snorted.  "Fifty people have told
me that you can't preach!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shyvonne Weis, Pembroke Pines, Florida Vocal Robbery August 3, 2007 - Pembroke Pines, Florida - AP An agitated customer was in jail after a teller thought the Pembroke Pines woman was trying to rob the bank. Police said Shyvonne Weis tried using the ATM at her bank Tuesday but it didn't give her the amount she wanted. So Weis went inside, cut in front of the line and threw paper at the teller's glass window while demanding money. The teller then hit the silent alarm, signaling a robbery in progress. A police spokesman said the teller was confused and did the right thing. Police arrested Weis when she walked out the doors. She was charged with grand theft. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/13796236/detail.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Cheap to run, and no speeding tickets! =========================================== FACTS OF LIFE Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples! I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters." Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yahoo #1000 Re: REMOVE! At 12:33 PM 8/5/2007, Hugh Roberts wrote: Please remove my address from all your servers. Dear Hugh You don't have an account with us and I can't remove your address from anything. Most likely you have been fooled by some spoofs, that were sent to you by the Yahoo Spoof&Spam server. Can't help you there. You will have to contact Yahoo yourself. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos June 19, 2007 - Glasgow, Scotland A university cleaner has become a concert pianist after a web cam caught him having a go on a grand piano. Aleksander Kudajczyk put down his mop and gave a spellbinding performance of Chopin compositions to an empty room. Mr Kudajczyk, 28, who arrived in Britain six months ago, had landed a job cleaning Glasgow University's law department. He saw no need to mention the fact he had studied at one of Poland's finest music academies, reports the Daily Mail. But the unwitting public performance in Glasgow University chapel so enraptured his on-line audience that he is now playing packed venues. Joan Keenan, a secretary in the Glasgow University chaplaincy, said: "Aleksander is a lovely but shy lad. He works as a cleaner but nobody knew what a talent he had.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Workshop Outlets Clean Getting sawdust or other matter in your outlets can be dangerous. Put child safety covers on outlets that are not in use in your workshop. You can use a vacuum or canned air to clean them out. DON'T use canned air! Don't even allow it near your house! If you HAVE to fling sawdust and stuff into your eyes and down your cleavage, use a tire pump, either a manual or an electric one. Those cheap 12 Volt emergency tire pumps connected to a trickle-charger work quite fine, especially for blowing across epoxy varnish to suck the bubbles out. But don't let those air cans near your house if you have teens! They "huff" the stuff to get high, and every year a bunch of them die. Ideal is an old canister vaccuum placed outside and in a large plastic garbage can with a hole in the lid. The plastic garbage can muffles the noise, and you can attach a return hose to bring the filtered air back inside. If you don't have a return hose, the air removed by the vacuum is replaced by uncontrolled drafts, which might be quite undesirable in some climates. By the way, vaccum cleaner extension hoses cost $25 - $50 at the store. Vacuum cleaners that don't work any more, are $2 - $5 at garage sales. You can join different model hoses with a short piece of bicycle inner tube and a hose clamp or a tie made from haywire. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell ?" ============================================= DOGGIE DOOR TURKEY It was a thing of beauty. A brand new doggie door put in just for the family dog Daze. He loved it, spending the first few days flying in and out, doing it over and over. Then he discovered he could haul things back and forth. Out went his food dish, in came a branch from a tree. Out went his blanket, in came a small potted plant from the patio. That was boring. He went for bigger game. One of the pillows from a bed went out, then he dragged the house cat spitting and hissing in though the door. A celebration was planned for visitors. The groceries were unloaded from the car, waiting on the table to be put away. It was too much for Daze. Somehow he dragged a huge frozen turkey, off the table to his doggie door. But how to get it though? It was slippery, he couldn't get a grip, plus the dang thing just would not fit. His family heard the noise. He was pawing, whining, barking, pushing, tying in every doggie way to get that blasted bird though a door designed for a small dog. No one could help but laugh. He was relieved of his burden, not that he wanted to give it up. He made up for it by taking all of the guests coats, one at a time, out through the door, and what did he bring back in each time? The muddy boots everyone had left on the porch. While no one was too happy with his antics, Daze did finally get to take some of that turkey out, only this time, it was in his dog dish, cooked just the way a good, hard working dog likes it! When he brought something back in, it was his dog dish, he wanted seconds please! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Deep Sea Strawberry Anemone
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Spam Filter 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 5, 2007
=========================================

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -
not absence of fear.
--- Mark Twain

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do
without the necessities.
--- Frank Lloyd Wright

=======================================

An American carpenter goes to Australia and likes it so much,
he decides to stay. He finds a nice property in the suburbs of
Sydney, purchases it and then goes to the lumber company to
buy supplies.

"I needs some two by fours," he tells the clerk.

"Sorry, mate, we only have four by twos."

"Oh, that's OK," says the carpenter. "I can turn them sideways."

"Good idea," the clerk smiles back. "So, how long do you
want them?"

"Oh, for quite a while. I'm building a house."

=======================================

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Jack says
to Betty, "Betty, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Betty
replies,
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want
to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you
really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank
would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came
over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions
asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than
ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack
and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no
surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey
came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then
you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to
save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such
a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more
moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted
to be president of the golf club and you were 47 votes short..?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he
insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more
than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning
the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then,
about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn
phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change,
and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands
and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still
ringing-when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a
bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the
floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up,
and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife --
she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Schnitzel Stephan in Berlin, Germany Freeloader August 2, 2007 - Berlin, Germany - Reuters A Berlin court has sentenced a man known as "Schnitzel Stephan" to 18 months in jail for cheating 64 restaurants in the past year when he was already on probation for previous unpaid eating binges. The heavyset man of 160 kg (350 lb), with a thin grey beard, would routinely order lamb chops, steak or Viennese Schnitzel along with several beers. When the bill came, he either ran for the door or told the waiter he had no money. Iris Berger, a spokeswoman for the Berlin Justice Department, said Thursday the 43-year-old unemployed truck driver had been convicted on 64 counts of fraud. The total damage to restaurants was 3,000 euros ($4,100). http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... y_cheat_dc ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more specific with my directions. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Need a filter for.... Dear Webby I get a ton of spam to a lot of my business addresses with the actual spam in pdf files and pictures. You probably know the crap. Subject lines are about 50 different ones from Att to Urgent. I don't really want to slow the filtering down making it look for all those different subjects. You probably have found out what they all have in common and made a filter for that. Can you please share it? Thanks Irene Dear Irene Here is what I use for that crap: If the Body contains "----------bound--" then automatically (without warning or notification) add the sender to the blacklist, and delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. Have not seen any of that type since I put that filter in. Until you are sure that none of your friends use a mailer that sends stuff in the same fashion, use this as the filter: If the Body contains "----------bound--" then mark the sender for blacklisting, and mark the message as mail to be deleted. This filter takes priority over the friends list. Instead of dumping it unseen, that version only marks it for deletion, and gives you the option to verify it, and also the option to click a report to the Spamcop. It's a good idea to do that a few times a day, to keep the pressure on RoadRunner, to start doing something about their clients sending more spam than all of China and Russia together. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 3, 2007 - Canberra, Australia - AP A 94-year-old great-great-grandmother who left school at the age of 12 appears to be the world's oldest recipient of a master's degree, an official with Guinness World Records said Friday. University of Adelaide graduate Phyllis Turner was awarded her master's degree in medical science earlier this week at a ceremony in her hometown of Adelaide, surrounded by generations of offspring.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Neighborhood Yard Sales Increase traffic to your yard sale by having a neighborhood sale. A neighborhood sale can be organized by encouraging your neighbors to have a yard sale the same weekend as yours.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 5,000 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetary. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin's Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took us three days to put out the fire. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's Day. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice last week. First for four days and then for three days. Monday it was so windy that one of our hens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days . . . UP SHE COMES! Your loving mother P.S. I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope. ============================================= FORMER OWNER TAKES A PLUNGE Beamer was a rescued dog. He had lived a year of his life in the back yard of a country home. His dog house usually sat in a pool of fetid water. He spent long hours sitting on the roof of his house, shivering, trying to stay dry. His new home was a palace. He lived in his new family's house. His bed was a huge, doggie style soft pillow. When he did go outside and got wet, he was rubbed dry with a fluffy warm towel. On a cold winter day, the family went to a nearby lake to watch the annual polar bear dip. To raise money for a new animal shelter, hardy souls would jump into a hole hacked out of the frozen lake, get wet, then hurry into warm clothes. Beamer went with his family to this outing. No one suspected anything unusual, until Beamer began to growl. He was watching one man in particular, his former owner. Before anyone could stop him, he jumped, his paws hitting the man in his back, pushing him into the icy water. Beamer stood watching him with a doggie grin. If he could have talked in human words, he likely would have said, "Now, see how it feels to be cold and wet?" It was Beamers day to teach a lesson, and brought tears of laughter to his new family. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sturgis Rally
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Transferring pictures 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 4, 2007
=========================================

Don't think you're on the right road
just because it’s a well-beaten path.
--- Socratex

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally
you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty
annoying virtues.
--- Elizabeth Taylor

=======================================

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide).
So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules)
and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have
any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed
him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry
bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the
procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were
from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to
go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in
a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong,
the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.

=======================================

An older friend, recently returned from her home town in
North Carolina, says they've spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years back.
"Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together
now."

"Together?" I asked, puzzled. "Well, years ago they never
much worried where they buried someone because everyone
was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it
seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people
are with their children and grandchildren, instead of
scattered all over."

"You mean they exhumed all those people and re-buried
them?"
"Oh no," she said. "They just moved the headstones.
Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer...."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Woman to marriage counselor: "The only thing my husband and
I have in common is that we got married the same year."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Amanda Lynn Bailey, 41 of Riverview, Florida Just a drunk August 3, 2007 - Tampa, Florida - AP Amanda Lynn Bailey's T-shirt said it all. When the 41-year-old got picked up on DUI charges she was wearing a shirt that read: "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings." The T-shirt was captured in her mug shot. Bailey, of Riverview, was arrested Tuesday and charged with driving under the influence and driving with a canceled, suspended or revoked license. She posted $750 bond and was released. She also was arrested in April on DUI charges. Police did not capture any T-shirt messages in that mug shot. http://www.wftv.com/irresistible/13811813/detail.html j Isn't it amazing what some people will do to just to get a Bonehead Award ? ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Schalk burst into Van's room to find Van standing on a chair with a rope around his waist and the end of the rope around the ceiling beam. "Hey Van, what do you think you're doing?" said Schalk. "I'm committing suicide," replied Van. "Well you're going about it all wrong," said Schalk. "You're supposed to tie the rope around your neck, not our waist." "Man, but I tried that yesterday and I nearly choked." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Healy Re: Pictures from camera Dear Webby A friend reamed me out for trasnferring pictures straight from the camera to the computer, and claimed you had said to never do that. Unfortunately she could not remember why not? Does that affect the picture quality? Healy Dear Healy It drains your camera batteries very quickly. The USB port runs at 5 Volt, the camera at 6 Volt. So the camera tries to charge up the USB port, which is regulated and backed up by the power grid. The batteries have not got a chance, and especially if you do some sorting and deleting, you will drain the batteries to near flat. A chip reader costs not much more than a set of disposable batteries, and a lot less than rechargeable ones. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 3, 2007 - Chongqing City, China - Ananova A dog swims more than 4km every day to nurse her newborn puppies who are stranded on an island. The dog, already a celebrity in Chongqing city, is called Huahua by local people. She gave birth to four pups at Shanhuba, which has become an island in the Changjiang River due to the heavy rains this summer. Huahua swims 1.2 km to the island every day to nurse her four babies. Then she returns to the Changjiang River, following the flow of the water, to swim another 1.1 km to another part of the city to feed herself. Each day Huahua does the whole journey twice, once in the morning, around 7 am, and again at 7 pm, at which point she stays with her pups on the island and returns to the city the next morning. Huang Pingren, a pensioner who swims to the island everyday, says he discovered the amazing dog a few weeks ago. "I was resting on the island, and found the unprotected litter of dogs. Then in the evening, around 7 pm, I saw a dog swimming to the bank and then running to the newborns." Huang even published a story on the internet, describing the great deeds of the dog mother, and leading to an outpouring of enthusiasm from readers. "Many citizens found me and said they wanted to do something, like contribute food or money, but I told them not to, since I was afraid too many visitors may scare the mom away." Two days ago, the water rose again, and the mother has moved her children to a higher point on the island, reports Chongqing Evening News. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2445375.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fixing Wallpaper Bubbles If you have a large wallpaper bubble, cut an X in the bubble. Peel back from the center, apply a bit of wallpaper paste to each corner and flatten with a damp sponge. For smaller bubbles, cut a slit in the bubble and squirt wall a little paper adhesive into the slit then smooth out the bubble.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a longer QUILL. Their pricks are the same size." ============================================= DEMOLITION DOG "Don't let Willie have that toy he'll wreak it." It was a familiar sound in the Pauslon's house. Willie was their senior Welsh Corgi, Collie mix dog. From his puppy days to now, every toy he had ever been given had been chewed into oblivion. He liked new toys, but he loved shredding them even more. Christmas was a few days away. As usual the large family bought presents for Willie. One of the invited guests, not knowing Willie's history of his destructive antics with toys found the perfect thing that she felt would give the cute dog hours of amusement. The gifts were being opened. Willie was on the rampage among the papers and ribbons. His present was put in front of him. He knew from experience how to rip the wrapping off. What he unwrapped was a small tin box, with a handle on the side. Someone began to crank the handle, and a tune came out of the box. Willie liked that. He opened his mouth to snatch it, when a lid suddenly flew open, a clown popped out to smack Willie hard on his nose. Totally shocked, Willie stumbled backwards, making a mad dash out of the room. He peeked cautiously around the corner. Seeing that "thing" was still there he galloped up the stairs to hide under the bed. Later someone asked, 'Where's Willie?" Everyone cracked up when he was found frantically burying the toy. He had torn the head off the clown, bitten the can, found he couldn't shred it, so did the next best thing. He showed his complete distain, by placing it in a spot where he felt it belonged. In the cat's litter box! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== 1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me. 2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends. 3. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips. 4. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience with Princes, Seeks Frog. 5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich. 6. Don't Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen. 7. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen. 8 Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off. 9. I'm out of Estrogen-and I Have a Gun. 10. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares? 11. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes. 12. And Your Point Is...? 13. Warning: I Have an Attitude and I Know How to Use It. 14. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did it Right the First Time. 15. Do Not Start with Me. You Will Not Win. 16. You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up. 17. All Stressed out and No One to Choke. 18. I'm One of Those Bad Things That Happen to Good People. 19. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 20. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not. 21. Don't Upset Me! I'm Running out of Places to Hide the Bodies. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Virtual touor of St Augustine
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: System Restore Problem 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 3, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
=========================================

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,
you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
The one that's out always looks the best.
--- Will Rogers

=======================================

Thanks to Rosie for this story:
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military
assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in
Germany with my eight siblings and me, all under the age of eleven.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped
customs area.  A young customs official watched our entourage in
disbelief, "Ma'am," he asked, "do all these children and this
luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh.  "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his questions, "Ma'am, do you have any
weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would
have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

=======================================

Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going
to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age
discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white,
male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I
might be gay..."

So, to be politically correct, he fired them all.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================
One Liners:

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Is it time for your medication or mine?

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pavel Mircea, from Timisoara, Romania Tried to sue God A ROMANIAN murderer who tried to sue God for his troubled life has had his lawsuit denied - as God has no known address. Pavel Mircea, who is serving a 20-year sentence, filed a lawsuit in the western town of Timisoara against God for "not protecting me from the Devil". He claimed he had concluded a contract with God at baptism, but God had not kept his side of the bargain. "He was supposed to protect me from all evils and instead he gave me to Satan, who encouraged me to kill," Mircea said. However, the public prosecutor's office in Timisoara turned down the case, arguing that God "is not a person in the eyes of the law and does not have a legal residence". ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: There she is, on her new commuter broom! =========================================== Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Guinn Re: Can't restore Hi, Webbie. You seem to know (or can find out) a lot of answers to our problems, out here in CyberLand. So here is MY problem: Sometime in the past few weeks I must have clicked a wrong key because now I cannot Restore. When I try to Restore, the only day shown in bold numbers is the current date and the current time. How do I get my Restore back? I was looking at TweakUI awhile back. Could a wrong key there cause this problem? Thanks for any help you can give me, Guinn Dear Guinn TweakUI is perfectly safe. It was actually written for Windows 98 and has been around for about 8 years now. For XP you should actually use XP-Powertoys, but good ol TweakUI is OK too. You, or some "speeder-upper" utility, must have turned off Restore and wiped out all the old restore data. Running out of disk space also deactivates the Restore. Once you clear out enough space, System Restore will reactivate automatically, but in the meantime you will have lost all your previous restore points. Restore also gets a bit flaky when it gets close to the limit of the space that you allotted for it. It will start dropping old restore points. Theoretically it is supposed to stop dumping when 50% of the allocated space is free. Sometimes it doesn't. If the restore point that you see is not the one made when Restore got turned back on, go to Control Panel, System System-Restore and manage it from there. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Warsaw, Poland - Reuters Krystyna Zbyszynska, 84, became Poland's oldest parachutist when she made her first jump with her daughter-in-law, news channel TVN24 reported Sunday. "I survived World War Two and wasn't afraid, so what's there to be afraid of now?" she said after clambering out of her jumpsuit this weekend. "Babcia (granny) Krysia is not your ordinary gran," explained one of her teenaged granddaughters. "She tells me I'm not playing my music loud enough and comes into my room and wants to dance." Asked whether she planned another jump Zbyszynska, from the northern city of Olsztyn, told the channel: "Yes, the day I turn 100." http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0707 ... chutist_dc
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Out The Fridge After cleaning out your refrigerator, dampen a cloth or clean sponge with white vinegar and wipe down the walls and shelves in the fridge. It will both cut down odors and help prevent mildew. A box of baking soda also helps odors.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" ============================================= FREEDOM FIGHTER Cindy saw her dog Jay creeping out of the basement, heading outside. She spotted a tiny tail hanging out of his mouth. She sighed, Jay was at it again. She had adopted him from a shelter. Little was known about him, except he had spent his life outside in a old shack. Jay settled in well. He loved Cindy, her home, and his food dish. He was a gentle soul. He had one habit that had Cindy perplexed. Jay would go into the basement, catch a small mouse, hold it in his mouth then go outside into the pasture, where he would drop it. The mouse would take off for freedom into the grass. Jay would bounce happily back to Cindy. Not knowing if she should praise him or not, was a problem. She wanted the mice gone! One day she told Jay to wait, while she examined one of rescued mice. While he held the tiny thing in his mouth, she used a bingo dabber to put a tiny blue mark on the mouse, then opened the door to let Jay out. He walked out to his usual spot, let the mouse go, then ran around barking happily. The next day, she again caught Jay with his mouse. It had a small blue dot. She was amused. Jay was catching the same mouse over and over. Cindy just smiled, as long as it was the same little mouse and not its entire family, she would quietly allow Jay to do his thing uninterrupted. It was his work. He was a freedom fighter! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: On a bad day
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: More plugs for computer accessories 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 2, 2007
======================================

A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
--- Robert Browning

=======================================

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"

=======================================

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what
happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing.  It's just an old football injury that
acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played football."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the
Superbowl.  I put my foot through the television."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an
unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior
was fresh as a daisy.

"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst replied, "So, who listens?"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to July 9, 2007 - Melbourne, Australia - Ananova A Catholic school refused to enroll a five-year-old because his surname was Hell. St Peter Apostle School in Melbourne suggested that Max Hell would only be admitted if he used his mother's maiden name. His father initially agreed. But when it came to signing the enrolment forms Alex Hell decided to stand firm in defense of his family's name, reports The Times. "We're quite devastated by the whole thing," Mr. Hell, a Catholic father of three said. "So what if I've got a name like Hell? That's my family history and my name." Mr. Hell, 45, who is of Austrian heritage, said his surname meant light or bright in German. "It's 2007, not 1407 - it's not the Dark Ages." The Hells approached St Peter Apostle School hoping to transfer their son from a state school, apparently because he was being bullied over his surname. St Peter Apostle agreed it would to receive the boy on condition that he adopt his mother's maiden name of Wembridge. After Mr. Hell publicly complained about the school's refusal to enroll his son, the school later had a change of heart. But Mr. Hell, who said he was also bullied because of his surname when he attended a Catholic school as a child, said he was now reluctant to consider a Catholic education for his children. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2407697.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A young girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, while the women are cleaning the table, the father invites the fiance into the living room. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks. "I'm a bible scholar," he replies. "A bible scholar," the father says, "admirable...but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father, "How will you support children?" "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide. Later that evening, the mother is alone with the father and asks him "So, how did it go?" The father says, "He has no job and no plans. But, the good news is, he thinks I am God!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Dear Webby . . . First of all, thanx for offering the large type option to those of us who are superannuated. I go back to the days when your connections to accessories (printers, scanners, etc.) and you had many sizes and fittings. My Dell (surprise) has only a few ports for my accessories. Is there a multi-plug unit available so I can keep my connectors in one place? Thank you Jerry Dear Jerry Yes, just get a USB hub. It's basically the USB version of your power bar for the 110V AC. It plugs into one USB port and has 4 to 8 USB sockets. Check for example Tiger. They have them from $12 up. You can easily glue two of them to the side of your compter case, so that one is facing forward and one facing back. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - Lakewood, Colorado - Gimundo Since 1989, Hank Robinson has been playing the same six numbers in the Colorado lottery: 14, 17, 21, 31, 36 and 38. On July 15, he sat down with his lottery ticket and the Sunday paper to check the winning numbers. What he saw stunned him. “I just sat there for about 15 minutes. Then I put on the rest of my clothes and jumped in my van and went to King Soopers [a supermarket in Lakewood] to make sure I had the right numbers,” he said. He did. The $9.2 million jackpot is Colorado’s largest Lotto jackpot since November 2002. The 81-year-old retired railroad engineer said he plans to make a few changes, like buying himself a new van and h elping his sisters and nieces and nephews. But one thing won’t change: his lottery numbers. He already has tickets for the next drawing. http://cbs4denver.com/local/local_story_201160939.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Carpet Installation Day Most carpet retailers outsource the installation to independent contractions so it's important to inspect the work closely and not sign any paperwork after the installation until you are satisfied. If the carpet installers will not address your concerns, call the retailer.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt
========================================
Thanks to Martha for this one: St Peter met a taxi driver and a minister at the Pearly Gate. St Peter said to the taxi driver, "Tell me what you did on earth and who you are so I can check my list". The taxi driver told him. St Peter returned with a silk robe and a gold staff and said, "Enter in." St Peter asked the next man who he was. "I was a minister for 42 years." "Fine" said St Peter, "let me go check my list." He returned with a cotton robe and a wooden stick. "Not fair" cried the minister, "that taxi driver got a silk robe and a gold staff. How come I only get a cotton robe and a wooden stick?" St Peter replied, "For 42 years, when you preached, the people slept. When that guy driver drove, the people prayed." ============================================= UNFORGETTABLE It was to be the wedding of the year. The sun was shining, the bride glowing, her groom anxiously waiting. The bridesmaids wore lovely long ivory gowns. Everything was perfect, but for one small item. The bride wanted her small Yorkie dog to go down the isle with the last bridesmaid, who would then place the tiny dog beside the bride. The bride got one thing wrong. The girl she chose to walk her dog down the isle, disliked dogs with a passion. She held the tiny dog away from her body, there was no petting or crooning to the wee thing. The Yorkie wasn't happy. I saw her when she actually shook the pup then made it stand on the hot pavement while she sat on a bench. I was on my way over to rescue the dog, when the call came for the procession to begin. The girl snatched the dog up from the ground, causing the poor thing to squeak in fright. I was angry. Before I could get to her, I saw something that had me snickering. The bridesmaid and the yorkie made it down the isle. The puppy was placed on the bride's train, where she curled up happily. However, the entire assembly was laughing out loud. When the dog hating bridesmaid sat on the bench, it had just been painted a putrid colour of green. All the way down the isle, all one could notice was her well endowed green bottom, swaying in time to the song the groom had chosen especially for his bride, a song they loved, "Unforgettable." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?" She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!" ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scouting, 100 Years
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby" ATA and IDEdrives in one machine 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 1, 2007
======================================

The grand essentials to happiness in this life are
something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
--- Joseph Addison

=======================================

The boss was sympathetic when his secretary
said she needed some time off because her
husband died. Several weeks later she approached
him again, requesting more time off.

When he asked why, she said she was getting
married. In spite of himself, he said "But your
husband's only been dead about a month."

She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know...   but with the
cost of food and rent these days, I can't afford to hold a
grudge for very long."

=======================================

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed
the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get
prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants
if everyone was buckled in and ready.  "All set back here,
Captain," came the reply, "except some lawyers are still
running around, passing out business cards."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing and his
approach speed was a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end,
if able.  If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway
101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Teddy Bear Scared Germans Watch out, a teddy bear! July 31, 2007 - Titisee-Neustadt, Germany - Ananova German police was called out after sightings of a huge bear found the beast was a giant stuffed teddy. Locals in the Black Forest region in south-west Germany rang police after they saw a brown bear in woods near the town of Titisee-Neustadt. Police, fearing another case like Bruno the bear that last year rampaged around the Alpine border region between Bavaria and Austria killing livestock, sent out a special squad to capture it. Dieter Klipfel, spokesman for the Titisee-Neustadt police department, said: "As they got closer to it, they realised it was a giant stuffed animal. It had been put there by a local archery club to use as a target." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2442172.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not tech support." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brandt Re: ATA and IDE Dear Webby Do you know if Dell is still selling computers with both IDE and ATA hard drive sockets? Thanks Brandt Dear Brandt No, they aren't. And when their sales rep claimed they were, she was lying. It appears that after spending a lot of money on big "Made in China" stickers on every single component, they had to cut corners somewhere, and the IDE socket was eliminated. The soldering pads for it are on the motherboards, but the actual socket is not there. To use an IDE drive in a new Dell you will have to get a USB hard drive enclosure, pull out the hard drive adapter and circuit board, stick it onto the IDE hard drive and lay the drive on the floor of the computer case. There is plenty of space in those big boxes. Then you mutilate one of the grills in the back a bit, so that you can sneak a USB cable in, to plug into the USB drive adapter. You may also ned to sneak in a cable from the power cube that comes with some USB drive adapters, if there is no suitable power cable left over inside. They are really getting cheap these days. You COULD leave the USB drive outside, and never even open the box. But then you are adding clutter to the visible space, and not giving the IDE drive as much cooling as it gets on the floor inside the computer case. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAVVVMcT ... mp;search= July 31, 2007 - Cebu,Philippines - Ananova A video of Filipino prisoners dancing to hits like Michael Jackson's Thriller has become an instant worldwide hit. The video shot in a provincial jail on the central Philippine island of Cebu show some of the 1600 inmates dancing to the Jackson classic and has attracted more than 1.9 million views on YouTube. The website also shows routines for Queen's hit, Radio Gaga, and music from the hit move Sister Act, reports News.com.au The success of the videos, which see dozens of orange- suited men lined up in neat rows, dancing in synchronised fashion, has surprised the men who started the practice as a form of physical exercise. The dancing, held twice daily in jail, was the brainchild of special security consultant Byron Garcia. He said they began the dancing routines last year after he noticed that very few of the 1600 prisoners were taking part in the calisthenics and push-ups the jail was offering for their exercise. Mr. Garcia was also looking for something to instill discipline in the prisoners who had been jailed for crimes ranging from murder to drug trafficking. "I thought it would be easier to communicate with them using music," said Mr. Garcia. "When they perfected the marching, we started the more difficult routines,even hiring a choreographer for them," he said. The Thriller dance that had become so popular actually took a month to perfect, said choreographer Vince Rosales. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2442077.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Carpet Remnants If you have carpet installed, make sure that they leave behind some of the scrap carpet that is leftover. It's nice to have some of the carpet around to patch holes. You can also use it for crafts, like making cat scratching posts.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Sitting in the bar George asked Johnny, 40, "How come you are not married?" Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet" George: "So what are you looking for?" Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook 'n house keeper, - well and she's got to know how to handle money, - a really nice and pleasant personality is a must, - and money, she's got to have money, - and a home, a nice big house, is what she has to have." George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU" Johnny: "Oh it's okay, if she is crazy" ============================================= SOFT BOTTOM LANDING All the floors in Andy's house were hardwood. His beloved dogs were old. They slept on easy chairs, the couch and Andy's bed. One night, a dog fell out of bed and fractured a leg. Something had to be done. Andy didn't have the money to put rug into every room. He began a round of second hand stores and yard sales, lugging home every sort of soft pillow, crib sized mattress, even huge soft old teddy bears. He surrounded each piece of furniture his dogs slept on. His friends thought he had lost his mind, but Andy loved his dogs more than he cared what people thought. The dogs appreciated it. No matter if they rolled off a bed, or jumped to the floor, they had a soft landing. Andy's frail aunt came to visit. She had always liked the dogs. He made up the bed for her, she and two dogs climbed in, going right to sleep. In the middle of the night, he heard a thump, then a cry fro the bedroom. Racing into the room, he saw his feeble old auntie, sitting on one of the soft teddy bears he had piled near the bed. She was giggling like a young girl, hanging on to the bear. "I was dreaming I was riding my old horse," she grinned. "Next thing I know, I'm on my bottom, hanging on for dear life to this stuffed bear." Andy helped her up. "Landing on a big stuffed bear was so much more fun than dropping out of bed onto a rug Andy. This was a great idea!" She kissed his cheek, "No wonder your dogs love you so!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Groan Alert! A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other baked delicious cakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Nuts to you
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Spoof Epidmic 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 31, 2007
======================================

BE the change you want to see in the world.
--- Mahatma Gandhi

=======================================

Thanks to Sandie for this one:

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he
will kill any man who does.

=======================================

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to
control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses
for his wife.  As the clerk was putting on the finishing
touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the
clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged,
"May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your
wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided.
"I crashed my wife's hard drive."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a lawyer in Peking, China Nitpicker July 27, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP A lawyer reportedly has sued McDonald's in China after he was given receipts that were printed mostly in English. The state-run newspaper Beijing Youth Daily said the lawyer claims the use of English instead of Chinese "violates the consumers' right to know." Youth Daily said the lawyer wants an apology and compensation of about 13 cents. It did not give details on any court case. A McDonald's official is quoted as saying its receipts were changed earlier this month, and that all its menus and ads are now in Chinese. http://www.wftv.com/foodnews/13769617/detail.html What's really funny is that there are more English speakers in China than in the US. ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Walter, the stone carver for this picture: =========================================== A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung is beyond me!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Paul Re: Typical tech support request Paul Prae wrote: Please stop this stuff, you people drive me crazy. I hate advertising. I really hate forced advertising and I think the greatest assholes on the planet are the ones who shove it down my throat. Any company that uses SPAM will never have my business. If I get an email that I did not want from a company I will never use that company no matter what the product. I will never have anything to do with your company and I will make sure no one else does if I continue to receive any more crap in my mail. I suggest you let your partners know as well. "mypostcards.com" wrote: Hi. School mate has sent you an ecard. See your card as often as you wish during the next 15 days. SEEING YOUR CARD If your email software creates links to Web pages, click on your card's direct www address below while you are connected to the Internet: http://75.179.62.230/?b848ca9a885b5e6291c3de8293ec696 Hi Paul You are barking up at the wrong tree. I know, jumping to confusions is fashionable with yahoos, but it's not doing you any good at all. What you got there is a spoof, a forgery. It had been sent to you by the W32/Zhelatin.gen!eml virus in the computer of one of YOUR friends, who has your address in his or her Outlook Express address book. Now, do you really expect me to hunt down all your friends and relatives and blow up their computers, just to make sure your gramma's and your girlfriend's computers won't send any more spoofs to you? Even though I can't do anything about your girlfriend's computer sending spoofs to you, I can tell you how to recognize them. You see that IP number? 75.179.62.230 That belongs to RoadRunner, an ISP. They got all numbers from 75.176.0.0 - 75.191.255.255 That shows you that the spoof had been sent from a home computer, and not from a corporate server. Now, if you look at the header of that mail, you will see "Outlook" or "Outlook Exprpess". Obviously no legitimate company will use amateur software like that for their mails. If you want to play detective, ask RoadRunner who was using 75.179.62.230 at the time that spoof was sent. If they play stupid, you can get the cops to force them to fork over the name and address of the sender. Pretending to be MyPostcards while trying to deliver a Russian virus is against the law, ya know. That number is where they wanted you to download the virus from. The ID of the sender is also shown in the header. If you can't figger out the header, post the email, with headers exposed, to http://spamcop.net. To reduce the number of frivolous complaints against phone and utility companies, you have to register before you can post. Once you paste the header there, they will analyze it and show you exactly where that spoof came from, and give you a single click option to complain to the ISP of the sender. Don't worry, they protect your address and vouch for the legitimacy of the complaint. So, you see, it's not Big Brother or a legitimate company harassing a poor, innocent yahoo, but some bimbo or bozo being too naive to run proper virus protection. By the way, Mypostcards does not send postcards. They just sell postcard software. AND, with real postcards the sender is properly identified, never a vague unidentified "friend", "classmate", "worshipper", etc. McAfee has a detailed description of that virus since July 4 at http://vil.nai.com/vil/content/v_142621.htm If you want to learn more about how to recognize spoofs, read the tutorial at http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html Now that you know more about spoofs than 99.99% of all yahoos, hopefully you will educate at least some of them! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 2007 - Phoenix, Arizona - Gimundo Mike Feeney counts on no one else to do his job, and he does it totally blind. "When you lose your sight, you have no choice," Mike Feeney says. Type 1 Diabetes didn't stop him from working the register at lunch at Desert Schools Credit Union. "If I put a $20 in (the change bag), I'll just keep my $20's folded long ways, if I put a five in, it's folded in a triangle," Feeney says. Mike has found innovative ways in order to live with his disability. "I've got a talking computer, I've got a talking calculator, my register is a voice synthesizer," Feeney says. By lunchtime, he's got everything ready to go, and he depends on employees like Will Robinson. "I am somewhat his sidekick 'righthand man,' sometimes left, we work good together," Robinson says, "half the people don't even know he's blind, they just think he has sunglasses, some people do wear sunglasses inside." Fortunately he hasn't lost what he loves the most. The gift of gab. "I love to talk, absolutely," Before Mike lost his sight, he used to design irrigation systems for golf courses. http://www.azcentral.com/12news/upfront ... 07-CR.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Carpet If you are having a small area carpeted, like a bedroom, ask the carpet retailer if they have any remnants available for a discounted price. They usually have remnants of brand new carpet leftover from bigger jobs.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that the sign was gone and someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she said she did not authorize your sign." ============================================= PAW PRINT SECURITY "Get that blasted dog off the cement." Oh boy, I knew Bambi, a Japanese Chin, and his owner, Nancy, a seven year old were in trouble. Her parents had made a sidewalk leading up to their house from the street. The cement had been poured. Nancy had been told to stop Bambi from leaving paw prints in the drying cement. "Nancy, what have you done?" I walked over to my neighbors yard. Bambi had pranced in the wet cement. Nancy had taken a stick and made each tiny paw print huge. It looked as if an oversized St. Bernard had taken a stroll down the walk. Those tracks were there to stay. Our street had been plagued with robberies. On an extremely hot night I sat outside on the lawn, hidden by the branches of a spruce tree. I heard footsteps and whispers. I realized it was two men intent on robbing my neighbors open garage. "Wait a second," I heard one of them say. " I'm not going up to that house." The other man sounded exasperated, "Why not, there's a lot of stuff we can get, easy pickings." "Ya, but man, look at the size of those dog tracks, they have a dog that would rip us to shreds." "Holy, crap, you're right! Move it, that dog could be loose in the garage." Bambi's enlarged paw prints had scared away the burglars. Sometimes people will glance uneasily at the humongous prints. I still smile when I think that a tiny Japanese Chin, plus an inventive little girl provided a new form of security. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." ========================================
Thanks to Dani for today's Bonus Link: History in pictures
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: More Filters 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 30, 2007
======================================

It is the dull man who is always sure,
and the sure man who is always dull.
--- H. L. Mencken

No one really listens to anyone else,
and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
--- Mignon McLaughlin

=======================================

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was
discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old daughter was watching as she held
up a huge pair of slacks.  "Wow," the lady said, "I must
have worn these when I was a hundred and eighty."

Her daughter looked puzzled and asked,
"How old are you now?"

=======================================

A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.  The nurse starts
with certain basic information and asks, "How much do you weigh?"

"One-seventy," the man replies.

The nurse asks him to step on the scale and it shows that his
weight is actually 183.  The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Five-eleven," the man answered confidently.

The nurse measures and sees that he's only 5' 8".
Then she takes his blood pressure, and it is very high.

The man says, "Of course it's high!  When I came in here,
I was tall and slender.  Now, suddenly I'm short and dumpy!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the operator said.  "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, then said,
"Well, most people just call me Turkey."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jozef Cene, 38, from Berlin, Germany VERY wet road July 20, 2007 - Wiltshire, UK - Ananova A German policeman left a Wiltshire pub and drove straight into a canal after mistaking it for a wet road. Jozef Cene, 38, drove out of the car park at midnight, stopped by the canal, indicated and plunged into the water. Locals at the Barge Inn in Honeystreet, Wiltshire, waded in to free Jozef from his submerged Fiat Punto, reports the Sun. His legs were trapped in the car door by the water pressure, but rescuers managed to haul him to safety from the chest-high canal. Berlin policeman Jozef was breathalysed but it proved negative. The rental car was later winched out. He said: "I am very embarrassed. I saw the muddy water and thought it was tarmac. I am very grateful to the people who helped me out." Pipe welder Patrick Povey, 25, who jumped in to help Jozef, said: "I was having a drink and the next thing I knew this chap drove his car straight into the canal." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2424911.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!" ---------------- He should have used his cane and smacked the quack! My father overdid it a bit with his hiking last Sunday and tore the meniscus in his right knee. Medically it's not a big deal, but it is very painful. If you see a soccer player suddenly dance like a one-legged whirling dervish and then fall down clasping his knee, that's from a torn meniscus. The meniscus is like a rubber washer in the knee, cushioning the joint. A sudden twisting impact can tear a little piece of that washer partially loose and makes it press against some nerves. A sport doctor recognizes it instantly and can reach into the knee with a tiny little pipe and clip the torn piece like it was a hangnail on your thumb. The pain is gone instantly and the patient can walk as soon as the local anethetic wears off. That's what they did with my dad and he's hiking again. However, if it is not promptly fixed, the limping affects the spine and leads to all kinds of expensive complications. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marty Re: Filters Dear Webby I tried that filter, and I am impressed! Not a single false positive, and it caught even more spam than I had expected. Now, how do I make a filter to catch all the useless messages from mcAfee, both real and spoof? Thanks Marty Dear Marty For that I made this filter: If the Subject field contains "Suspect e-mail detected" OR the From field contains "McAfee VirusScan E-mail Scan" then hide the message from the messages list , and automatically (without warning or notification) delete the message. This filter takes priority over the friends list. For the "OR", toggle the ALL or ANY rules to ANY. According to the cute pie chart in the stats, this filter currently catches and dumps 14% of the incoming mail, unseen. That's the way I like it. The spoof McAfee messages with attached virus are just as useless as the real McAfee messages. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 25, 2007 - Sydney, Australia - AP A dog that vanished two months ago has been found 2,000 miles from home, media reported Wednesday. Rusty was to be flown home Thursday after being sent to a pound in Darwin, Australia's northernmost city, and identified this week by a microchip inserted under the skin. ''I can't believe I'll see my little fellow again,'' Shirley Lowry, who has made several appeals in local media for her pet's return, told Australian Associated Press. ''It just goes to show the value of having your dog micro-chipped,'' she added. How Rusty, an 8-year-old poodle-Maltese mix, reached tropical Darwin remains a mystery, although the condition of Rusty's paws suggests the dog did not walk. Rusty disappeared in May while Lowry was inside a shop in the east coast town of Woy Woy, located 25 miles north of Sydney. http://www.happynews.com/news/7252007/l ... s-home.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Carpet Save money on your carpet installation by removing and disposing of the old carpet yourself. If you are also painting, do your painting and dry wall work after removing the old carpet. It allows you to paint all the way down to the subflooring without fear of making a mess.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe." ============================================= OLD JOE'S GOOD DEED Old Joe set a good example. From the day he arrived at his home as a puppy, he developed a habit that eventually made him a small town hero. He loved long walks through the country side, into town, down by the river, over horse pastures, just about anywhere his four legs would take him. Joe would chase rabbits, dig for old bones, leap into the river plus he was known to chase a cat or two, just to keep in practice. On his way home, he would search, then pick up a tin can, or a bit of foil, perhaps a used paper cup, even the odd shoe or cast off mitten from last winter. He had a place in the yard where he placed his daily items. An old lady who lived down the street from Joe was tired of picking up garbage tossed into her yard by students going home from school. One day she banged on the door of the house where Joe lived. "Can I borrow your dog?" she wanted to know. After she explained, the answer was yes. The next day, in a grade one class, in she walked with Joe. She also had a huge bag, which she suddenly emptied onto the floor. The kids were appalled. It was garbage. "This," she said, "Is what this nice dog brings home every day. One piece at a time." "I don't think a dog should have to do this, do you?" Solemn little faces agreed. So it was, that Joe taught the little ones, who taught the parents, who showed the town, that if a dog could care for the environment, than so should they. Joe still goes for his long walks, he hardly ever brings anything home anymore. Somehow, I think he's okay with that! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== "If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for a dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered . The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic, do you, ?" sighed and replied, "You don't know my father." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pacific coast lighthouses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Mail with no subject 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 29, 2007
======================================

To find yourself, think for yourself.
-- Socrates

=======================================

JOB SEEKERS FROM THE PAST

Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back
stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James:
I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership,
extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate
understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of sescurity
measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette:
My management style has been criticzed, but I'd like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin:
I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet:
My position was eliminated in a hostsile takeover.

Lucrezia Borgia:
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the
department, our competition just seemed to drop out
of sight one by one.

Pandora:
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering
new things.

Genghis Khan:
My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I
downsized my staff, my organization, and the
populations of several countries.

Macbeth:
Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind
of guy who would knock of his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva:
What do you mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis:
My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

=======================================

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity
to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and
said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the
big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy
was holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English
students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives
in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the
wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room
above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the
boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every
night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his
mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm
usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes
anyway."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her
cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'
and add 'es'."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vitalie Varinca, 38, Hughnchesht, Moldovia Sleazy July 25, 2007 - Republic of Muldova - Ananova A Moldovan who claimed his wife had died and borrowed cash to pay for her funeral was exposed when pals went to see how he was coping - and she opened the door. Vitalie Varinca, 38, raised £3,000 in a whip round from workmates at the factory where he was a foreman in the town of Hughnchesht. He told them his beautiful young wife had been tragically killed in a car accident while pregnant. But he was arrested and charged with obtaining money by deception after worried friends dropped by to see how he was coping and his wife opened the door. A police spokesman said: "They were very surprised to see a supposedly dead woman walking around the house fit and healthy. But not nearly as the surprised as the husband when he saw them." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2432228.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Martin for passing on this trail report from his son Greg: More rock and patient water. Previous photos were all near Middle Two Medicine Lake. The next two or so are from this little trail (may also be called Sun Rift Gorge) which is easily accessible from the easterly part of Going-to-the Sun Road (the main road running east-west through the park). The water and rock make cuts and gurgles and falls in infinite variety along a modest stretch of easy trail. =========================================== A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $51 change. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frieda Re: Empty subject mails Dear Webby What's the story with mails that arrive without a subject line? Years ago you showed me how to make a filter to dump them with Mailwasher, and that works fine on my work machine, but I am wondering if I also need that on my home machine. So far I just dumped those mails manually. Frieda Dear Frieda "No Subject=No Intelligence" still holds true. You'll never see anything intelligent in an email that arrives without a subject, and you can use that filter as an IQ filter. If the senders don't have a positive IQ number, their mail won't waste your time. About the only exception I am aware of is the malfunction in one of the Hotmail servers. When a subscriber, who had been registered there, leaves hotmail, that server sends a bounce without a subject and without a FROM. I'm sure it's not deliberate, but just an old mistake, that they can't fix. The other hotmail server sends bounces with proper FROM and subject line. So, if you are not interested in bounce messages from hotmail, it's quite safe to trash any mail that does not have a subject. That gets rid of about 8% of the spam right off the top. For those who want to know how to make that IQ filter, select "does not contain RegExpr" and put \w into the value field. The \w is a wildcard and stands for "any word character". That filter is kinda sneaky. If the subject line has only Chinese, Korean or Arab characters, then that mail gets marked for dumping too, since I won't read it anyway. Don't you pity the poor folks who don't have Mailwasher yet? Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Gives a whole new meaning to getting hammered ;-) July 25, 2007 - Gloucester, Massachusetts - IBS A would-be crook chose the wrong convenience store clerk to rob in Gloucester, Mass., Tuesday. The entire showdown was caught on surveillance video that Gloucester authorities said was some of the best they've ever seen. Just as the clerk was opening the register, the robber came in, threw the lottery machine to the ground and lunged at the clerk. But the clerk was ready for him, armed with a hammer. As the clerk managed to get the robber into a head lock, a customer jumped in and also took a few swipes with the hammer. The clerk's co-worker said the clerk was just acting in self defense. Police said they arrested the robbery suspect, Ricky Marshall, 27, after a dog that he brought to the scene led police to his front door. Marshall is being held on $10,000 bail. http://www.wftv.com/news/13751159/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Tea You can save money on tea by using the same tea bag twice. Just set the tea bag aside and use it for your next cup. It cuts the cost of your tea drinking habit in half.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler ============================================= DOGGIE GOES A SWIMMING CATCH OF THE DAY Ted loaded up his two sons, plus Trixie their Shih Tzu to head out for a day of fishing. The fishing spot was a popular one, with more emphasis on having fun than actually catching a fish. The boys lost interest and left their dad and Trixie at the edge of the river. Trixie was a happy dog who's favourite game was chasing butterflies. She would try to creep up on one, snap at it, however she had yet to catch one. At the end of the day, no one had caught a fish.The men were packing up, calling the kids, swapping fish stories about the huge one that got away. Someone told Ted, "Look at that dog of yours." Trixie was standing on the edge of a rock, on the river bank. A butterfly was almost within her reach. She opened her mouth, and lunged. Right into the river. Before Ted could move, her head bobbed up to the surface. She scrambled up the bank, but she looked odd. Her face was out of shape. Ted realized that Trixie had a small fish in her mouth. She was a bit puzzled, but intended to keep her prize. People gathered around, petting her, also trying to get the fish out of her mouth. No way. She backed warily away, until a butterfly floated past. The fish forgotten, she let it drop where it slid right down the bank into the water. Ted had to grin, it was only a tiny fish, but at least it was member of his family that had the catch of the day. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== George, a rather arrogant acquaintance, and were seated side by side on a train. An announcement was made that all electrical power would be out for a few minutes due to a blown circuit. Seated across from George and were two very attractive ladies. Just then the train entered a dark tunnel. A loud smack was heard. As the train left the tunnel, a large red hand print could be seen on George's face. Nothing was said by anyone. The train entered another dark tunnel and another loud smack was heard. As the train left the tunnel, another large red hand print could be seen on the other side of George's face. Again, nothing at all was said. George was thinking.... must have done something to those ladies and they thought it was me because of my reputation. But was thinking....I wish we would go through another tunnel so I could slap that idiot again!!! ------------------------- If you put nothing, or a full name like Ms Ernestine F Trailer-Hooker III into the FIRST NAME slot of the sign-up, that joke will fall flat. It's nearly as bad if you got a gift subscription from a neighbor, who typed your first name or nickname in all small or all large letters because she had a bottle of Southern Comfort in one hand and a donut in the other. If that is the case with your first name or nickname, hit REPLY and tell me, and I will instantly correct it. DearWebby ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Indoor Plants
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: McAfee fails on spoofs 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 28, 2007
======================================

The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness,
only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.
--- Benjamin Franklin

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency
they're going to catch you in next.
--- Franklin P. Jones

=======================================

Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.  The first
boasted that his dad owned a farm.  The second said his dad
owned a factory.  The third boy, a pastors son, replied:
"That's nothin'.  My dad owns hell."

"No way," another boy scoffed.  "How can a man own hell?"


"Sure he can," the preacher's son said.  "My mom told my
grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last
night."

=======================================

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked
whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over
again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

A teacher was giving a lesson on the blood circulation.

"If I stood on my head, then the blood, as you know, would
flow into my head and I would turn red in the face," she
explained.

"That's right," remarked one of the students.

"Then why doesn't the blood flow into my feet when I'm
standing upright in an ordinary position?"

 shouted, "That's because your feet are not empty!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to A woman in Sittingbourne, Kent, UK That's a one way trap, Ma'am! July 26, 2007 - Sittingbourne, Kent, UK - Ananova A woman had to be rescued by firefighters after she fell headfirst into a recycling bin. The woman had apparently dropped off some clothes and then changed her mind and tried to get them back. But the slightly built woman got trapped in the slot and fire crews needed hydraulic cutting equipment to get her out., reports the Daily Record. The alarm was raised by another recycler who spotted a pair of feet sticking out of the bin of unwanted clothes. The 35-year-old was going in and out of consciousness during her ordeal in the car park of an Asda store in Sittingbourne, Kent. Fireman Mark Innes said: "We were originally told it was a child stuck in the bin but when we got there, we discovered it was a fully grown woman. "Apparently she had put something in the bin that she hadn't meant to and when she went to retrieve it, she fell in. "It was a very strange job." Mark added: "Asda was closed at the time, so she was only saved thanks to someone else turning up." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2433990.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Maria Q Re: McAfee spoofs Dear Webby Why is McAfee telling me to complain to Hallmark, Mypostcards, American Greetings, etc about stuff that a week old turd can recognize as an obvious spoof? And why quarantine and save that crap, just to use up disk space that I can't afford to waste? If something is a klutzy forgery now, it's always going to be useless, no matter how long it is quarantined! You mentioned one time a way to dump that useless quarantine. Can you please tell me again? Thanks Maria Q And thanks for letting me vent! Dear Maria As you so eloquently and graphically described, McAfee can't handle spoofs. Some of their stuff is good, but when it comes to email, they are totally clueless. They don't even realize that they are not compatible with Outlook and Outlook Express. While I personally don't like those two email programs, I can't deny the fact, that there are a few Million people out there, who do use Outlook or Outlook Express. Just keep their Firewall and Viruscan, but don't waste your money on the other stuff. To delete the quarantine, delete all files at C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\McAfee\VirusScan\Quarantine or grab the maq.bat from my toolbox at http://webby.com/t You can save it to your computer and make a shortcut icon for it, or you can run it straight off the web. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 26, 2007 - Providence, Rhode Island - Ananova A cat has amazed medics - by predicting when nursing home patients are about to die. Oscar curls up next to elderly residents in the last few hours of their lives, reports The Sun. His accuracy - seen in 25 cases in the past year - has led staff to call family once he chooses someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live. University professor Dr David Dosa said: "He doesn't make too many mistakes. Many families take solace from it. They appreciate the companionship the cat provides for their loved one." The phenomenon is described in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. Oscar, two, was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Centre in Providence, Rhode Island, US. After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds - just like the doctors. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside those who would die within hours. Staff say most of the people who get a visit are so ill they don't know he's there. Oscar has received a plaque commending his "compassionate hospice care". http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2433867.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Dirty Burner Rings Remove the rings from the stove. Place a paper towel that has been dampened with ammonia on top of each ring and put them in a plastic bag. Tie closed and let it sit outside overnight. The next day, open the bag outside, then wash the rings with a mild dish soap.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure: 1) Hold down the shift key. 2) Hit the 4 key four times really quickly. ---------- Are you going to groan first, or forward it first? ============================================= DOGGIE GOES A SWIMMING I once had a good friend. A city raised lady. We just seemed to get along very well. Take notice, I said, "I once had a good friend." Her house was immaculate. Her husband surprised her with a vacation to Hawaii. I offered to house-sit for her. Several homes had been vandalized, she was grateful that I would be there. We should have had more sense! We were unpacking, when I heard a cat in the kitchen. One of my cats had jumped into my car, and was now swinging gaily from her plants, leaping like a monkey from one to the other. Down they came, dirt everywhere. My youngest son managed to sneak his pet baby pig into the house. It was racing around squealing. I owned a huge dog who had never progressed out of puppy. At 180 pounds it wasn't funny. The shrieking pig went flying into the master bedroom the dog blundering right behind him. My dog leaped onto the bed, with a whoosh of water, he sank! My friend had put a patch on her waterbed, leaving the sheets off for the patch to dry. I never dreamed those beds had most of a lake in them. My dog hurtled out, into the kitchen where he and the cat got into a wrangle in the plant dirt. Who walks in? My friend." We missed our flight..". Those were the last sensible words I heard. The pig ran between her feet, my kitty was chewing on a plant, my wet , dirt caked dog, wrapped his front legs around her waist, while water came pouring down the stairway. I offered to help clean up, but my friend, simply stood in the doorway, her eyes closed, waiting for us to leave. They moved. I missed her. But what I really wanted to know, was just how much water was in that water bed! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. Saint Peter finally showed up and they asked him. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer ... for two months ... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" Peter shouted, "it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find two lawyers and a judge?" ========================================
Thanks to Arturas for today's Bonus Link: Funny moments in sports
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Spoof postcard notices 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 27, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
======================================

Better to do something imperfectly
than to do nothing flawlessly.
--- Dr. Robert Schuller

The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
--- Henry Kissinger

=======================================

While awaiting the arrival of our "puddle jumper" airplane
for the return flight across Jamaica to the major airport,
I sat wringing my hands and trying to quiet the butterflies
in my stomach in anticipation of the tiny airplane and a
very bumpy flight.

Suddenly, an old fire truck began speeding down the runway,
toward the arriving airplane, with sirens blaring. Frantic now, I
implored the ticket agent to tell me what was happening.
She calmly answered, "Oh they just do that to clear the
chickens off the landing."

=======================================

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to
the altar wearing a beautiful dress.  As the children were
sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leaned over and
said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Sunday
dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike,
"Yes .  .  and my mom says it's a sum-bitch to iron."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked,
"What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she
spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, Gary City, Indiana Do as I say, not as I do July 25, 2007 - Gary, Indiana - AP An anger management instructor was charged with domestic battery after his wife accused him of grabbing and beating her during an argument, police said. The Rev. Robert Nichols, 49, has taught anger management classes for defendants in Gary City Court for several years, but his contract was voided while the misdemeanor charge against him is pending, said City Court Judge Deidre Monroe. "It's our policy that anyone working in the court system can't have criminal charges," Monroe said Monday. Nichols was arrested early Thursday after the couple's young daughter called police to report the fight, police said. Monroe said Nichols' case will be handled in Crown Point because of his association with the City Court. Monroe appointed a special judge to arraign Nichols in court Friday. http://cbs4.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 04826.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== not now, Stripper! =========================================== Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair that is safe to use." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsie Re: Postcard spoofs Dear Webby What's with all these weird spoof postcard notices from Mypostcards and Hallmark and Bluemountain? They are so klutzy that nobody, who is popular enough to have received even just one normal postcard, won't fall for the spoofs, but they are getting to be a nuisance! What can be done about those spoofs? Elsie Dear Elsie One of your flakey friends has a computer that is infected with the W32/Zhelatin.gen!eml virus. It sends those postcard spoofs to everybody in your friend's Outlook Express address book, including you. It also opens a back door, so that the spammers can go into that computer and send spam from it. Chances are good that, if you can get your tattooed granddaughter to run a virus scan, the frequency of them will drop drastically. In the meantime make a filter in your MailWasher that looks for "You've received" in the subject line. Neither your telephone company, nor the utility company or real postcards use that phrase. But it is popular with a lot of spam and spoofs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - Washington - AP A now-famous pair of pants was the star attraction at a fundraiser Tuesday meant to help pay the bills of a dry- cleaner couple caught in a legal stitch. The $54 million pants, as they've come to be known, were the subject of a widely mocked lawsuit that garnered international attention. Now, they have their own security guard. Groups advocating stricter guidelines for filing lawsuits and supporters of Jin Nam Chung and Soo Chung, the owners of Custom Cleaners, came from across the country to attend the cocktail fundraiser. On display were what the Chungs say are the pants that Roy Pearson brought in, were misplaced, and were later found. The guests had appetizers and cocktails, and under the stern gaze of the security guard, some posed for photos with the pants. The Chungs successfully defended themselves from the $54 million suit, which originally demanded $67 million, but they now owe about $100,000 in legal costs. The American Tort Reform Association and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce Institute for Legal Reform put on the fundraiser in hopes of defraying the Chungs' costs. The fundraiser netted more than $64,000, with more pledges still coming in, organizers said. "Without your support, the Chungs could very well have gone bankrupt," defense attorney Chris Manning told the crowd of about 150. The Chungs also made a rare appearance to thank their guests. The organizers said they also wanted to raise visibility for their mission to change tort law in the face of lawsuits that unfairly target small businesses. "Our motto is the spirit of free enterprise," said Lisa Rickard, president of the Institute for Legal Reform. "The Chungs epitomize that in our perspective. They've really been living the American dream, and that all came to a halt with the filing of this lawsuit." "It's our hope to help them do a course correction and get back on track," Rickard said. Manning said that if the court grants the Chungs' motion for Pearson to pay their legal fees, proceeds from the fundraiser that exceed the family's costs would be donated to charity. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... 9PKG0.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Makeshift Knife Sharpener In a pinch, you can sharpen a knife on the bottom of a ceramic coffee mug. Hold the blade at a slight angle and sharpen it on the unglazed ring on the bottom of the mug. It's not ideal, but it will work. Some safety rules: Hold the knife steady, move the sharpener. Face the edge and the point of the knife away from you. Lay the blade onto the front top edge of a drawer, so that it does not flex during sharpening. If you have non-slip mesh in your cutlery drawer, drape that over the drawer front to help holding the blade steady. Unless you have a sharpening steel and are an old chef, use slow and steady strokes of your stone or cup. Speed is irrelevant. What counts is maintaining the same angle on each stroke. Only sharpen the side of the blade that is hollow ground. Never touch the other side, except to remove the sharpening "beard" by wiping the knife back and forth over some paper. Regular paper is abrasive enough to trim the beard. "Diamond-Grit" style nail files also work great for sharpening knifes and scissors. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the other passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man sofly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" The passenger , terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now with the speedometer showing about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I am going pretty fast?" Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakely says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. He throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They are now doing about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out in sheer terror, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man gently replies, "Do you guys want some help getting out of the mud???" ============================================= FUR COVERED BATTERIES There are days, when I wonder if I will make it through the next 24 hours. I take in strays, usually dogs. They make a visit to the vet, get a bath, fed, hugs, but at times their coats are so tangled they'll be shaved. I agreed to baby-sit two ferrets for a day. I know they are tiny batteries in fur that hardly ever run out of power. Within an hour they had taken over the house. They chased my Maltese, Jasper, out of his bed. His treats were stolen along with his sock with a knot in the centre, that to him was like a security blanket. When he is left at home, he'll get his knotted sock for comfort. Within hours, I lost the ferrets. I knew they were in the house, but where? My friend was due to pick them up. I was absolutely frantic. I have one stray dog at the moment, who had to be shaved. His coat couldn't be saved. Because my home is air conditioned, he wears a long, loose sweater that covers him from his ears to his bottom. I was in tears over the "loss" of my friends ferrets, when I noticed an odd look to the sweater the dog had on. It had developed a pot belly. If the dog lay down, that lump moved! The ferrets had picked a perfect place to hide. I pulled them out gently, laughing when one of them had a firm grip on Jaspers beloved sock! I offered Jasper back his sock. Showing his huge displeasure over it's new smell, he piddled on it. I took the hint. tossed it, gave him a new one. I promised him, I would never, baby-sit ferrets again. Well, at least not right away! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Rubye for this story: Please excuse the rough language in the following story... I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same. A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well,"said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?" Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..." "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Cayenne Clinic
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Hidden phishing URLs in Outlook Express 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 26, 2007
======================================

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole
cause of all our adversities.
--- Sophocles

Nothing says, 'I have no idea what to get you,' quite like
giant beige bath towels.
--- Missbhavens

"The reason there are so few female politicians is that it
is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces."
--- Maureen Murphy

=======================================

Mullany arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the
terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline
employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Mullany. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!"

=======================================

DIET: It's something most of us do religiously:
We eat what we want and
we pray That we won't gain weight.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

 Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
 -----------------------------------
 Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
 Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

 Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
 Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

 Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way
 you wrote it.
 Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search
 committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

 Good News:  You finally found a choir director who approaches
 things exactly the same way you do.
 Bad News: The choir mutinied.

 Good News: Mrs.  Jones is wild about your sermons.
 Bad News: Mrs.  Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show,"
 "Beavis and  Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

 Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
 Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

 Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
 Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your
 parsonage.

 Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
 weeks.
 Bad News: You were on vacation.

 Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
 Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

 Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
 Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your
 denomination.

 Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a
 surprise visit.
 Bad News:  It's in the middle of the night and they are armed
 with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a mother and daughter in Sarnia, Ontario Family Bust July 20, 2007 - Sarnia, Ontario - London Free Press It's not the kind of mother-daughter memory they'll soon forget. A woman in her 40s and her daughter, in her 20s, face pot possession charges after a Sarnia police officer found a car filled with smoke along Harbour Road. The OPP Marine officer, who was just leaving his boat, said the women told him they were waiting for Sarnia Bayfest festivities in Centennial Park. Police seized 14 joints and issued and the two were charged with possession of marijuana. They were released from custody and are to appear in Sarnia court Sept. 10. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2007 ... 2-sun.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== This is a true story that happened to one of my sister's goofy friends. It happened on I-75 in the northern lower peninsula of Michigan ( notorious for frequent tickets for speeding ). The friend was speeding north on I-75 when she noticed a Michigan State Police car behind her with it's flashing red lights on. The friend was very nervous, as she had never been stopped before and didn't know what to expect. The trooper approached her car then asked if she knew why he had stopped her. She said, " Oh, I bet I know why you stopped me. You want to sell me tickets to the policeman's ball." The trooper then told the friend that "Michigan State Police don't have balls." The friend started laughing uncontrollably. The troopers face turned bright red. He then proceeded to get back into his car and drove away. No ticket!! =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tina Re: Hidden phishing URLs in Outlook Dear Webby I know you warned us about Outlook not showing dangerous URLs and only the phony nicknames in spoofs and phishing emails, but the boneheads at Telus are not competent enough to support anything except Outlook and Outlook Express. At one time, all they supported was Eudora, but those days are as gone as cheap gas and my sexy looks. Is there ANY way at all to trick Outlook into showing whether for example the nickname "eBay.com" links to eBay or to some crook in Russia or Romania? Thanks Tina Dear Tina I got a lot of mails like yours, and I spent a lot of time searching. However, it seems that, when those programs were written, making them "cute and bimbo-proof" was the top and only priority. Nobody knows of a setting to make them act like standard email programs. However, I found a third party patch that will fix that problem. It is called Phish Finder and is available at http://bluefur.com/phishphinder/ Currently it is still free, but don't count on that to last! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 23, 2007 - Masonville, Colorado - AP Zoey is a Chihuahua, but when a rattlesnake lunged at her owners' 1-year-old grandson, she was a real bulldog. Booker West was splashing his hands in a birdbath in his grandparents' northern Colorado back yard when the snake slithered up to the toddler, rattled and struck. Five-pound Zoey jumped in the way and took the bites. ''She got in between Booker and the snake, and that's when I heard her yipe,'' Monty Long, the boy's grandfather, said Thursday. The dog required treatment and for a time it appeared she might not survive the bites she suffered earlier this month. Now she prances about. ''These little bitty dogs, they just don't really get credit,'' Booker's grandma Denise Long told the Loveland Daily Reporter-Herald. http://www.happynews.com/news/7232007/t ... esnake.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Odors From Cooking If you like to fry foods but don't like the odors left behind, place a dish of white vinegar next to the stove where you will be frying. It will help absorb the odors. If you have odors from burnt food, boil some water in a sauce pan with a couple of slices of lemon.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'" "Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?" "In Alaska. I'm just visiting here." ============================================= HANGING OUT WITH JIM The new house was taking shape nicely. Jim put the ladder against one wall, went up onto the roof, to begin nailing down cedar shakes. He was a bit concerned about the weather, storm clouds were gathering. Suddenly he felt a wet cold nose in his ear. He sighed. "That was the dumbest thing I ever did, Bingo, was to teach you to climb a ladder." He ruffled the dogs head, and went about his work knowing the dog was more confident on the roof than he was. Bingo was a German Shepherd who doted on Jim. He wanted nothing more in life than to be where his owner was. It that meant being on the roof, so be it. It started to rain. Jim grabbed his tools, went to the edge of the roof, and gasped. "Bingo, you nut, you shoved the ladder away from the roof." He sat in the pouring rain, while Bingo hunkered down beside him. It would be hours before Jim's wife would be home from work. At last, her car pulled in. Jim was hugging Bingo, for warmth, his teeth were chattering. He waited for his wife to put the ladder back up, then came a bit unglued when she started to laugh. "What's so darn funny?" he demanded. "I'm freezing." "Honey," she replied, "Use the other ladder propped up on the other side of the house." Jim looked at Bingo, "Why didn't you tell me that.?" If only dogs could talk. Bingo was just doing what he always did, hanging out with Jim. If his owner insisted on sitting in the freezing rain, well, he had learned, that humans sometimes just weren't very bright. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: OLE 'N LENA HAVE A BABY Lena is pregnant with Ole's child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I tink it's time!" So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "A son! Ain't dat great!" Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too." Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!" Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got tree on the first try?" Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda! It's a dam good ting I didn't get the WD-40." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Power Catamaran Racing
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Dubious eBay mails 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 25, 2007
======================================

Focus on the journey, not the destination.
Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.
--- Greg Anderson

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.
Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
--- Cullen Hightower

=======================================

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence.  However, the next morning the
kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty
feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was
again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty
feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo,
"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "Probably a hundred feet, unless
somebody starts locking the gate at night."

=======================================

A man was talking to his neighbor and complained,
"Ever since my wife started working at her new job, she
has really let the housework go.  In fact, our home has
turned into a wherehouse."

His neighbor inquired, "What do you mean, a warehouse?"

The man said, "I mean, where's this, where's that?"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The only people who listen to both sides of an argument
are the neighbors.

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a woman in Wuppertal, germany Too much imagination July 20, 2007 - Wuppertal, Germany - Ananova Armed police surrounded a car in Germany after reports of a masked criminal - but instead found a large stuffed toy. The woman who made the call to police was returning to her car in an indoor car park late at night in the city of Wuppertal. She saw the suspected criminal through the window of a parked van, reports Sky News. Though she later admitted to only catching a glimpse in the darkness, she was sufficiently alarmed to alert the authorities. Armed officers arrived in three cars and surrounded the van. What they found was a large toy beaver, strapped into the passenger seat. A police spokesman said he struggled to see how the toy, which has two oversized front teeth, could have been mistaken for a person. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2424890.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Pumpelly Pillar and Middle Two Medicine Lake, Glacier National Park (Montana) Greg =========================================== "No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick." A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked. "Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elaine Re: Mail from eBay Dear Webby I don't have an account with eBay, but lately I got all kinds of mail from them about having to pay for stuff that I supposedly won in an auction or having to confirm my account. Is somebody using my email address and wrecking my credit rating? Elaine Dear Elaine Nah, those are just spoofs, just like the phony postcard pick-up notices from vague, unidentified class mates, family members, worshippers, etc. You can paste those spoofs to Spamcop at http://spamcop.net and find out where they really came from. You can also forward them to spoof@ebay.com, and they will report them to Spamcop. Don't click on anything in those spoofs. With real mail from ebay there is nothing to click on. They just tell you to close all browser windows, open a fresh one and TYPE in the URL of their site. It would be a smart idea to get a free trial of MailWasher. MailWasher shows you what the URLs actually link to. If the Visible part says "eBay-login.html" and Mailwasher puts beside that in gray: "(links to http://71.232.210.250/?790c08a823e96272575cbc689)" then you KNOW it's phony. Even if you don't keep MailWasher beyond the free trial, the education you get from being able to peek at naked mail headers, without even downloading more than the header, is extremely valuable. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 24, 2007 - New York - AP Iraq war veteran Sgt. Juan Arredondo can grasp tennis balls and door knobs with his left hand again, now that he's been outfitted with a bionic hand that has flexible fingers. The 27-year-old former soldier, who lost his left hand in 2005 during a patrol, is one of the first recipients of the i-LIMB. ''To have this movement, it's — it's amazing,'' Arredondo said Monday as he showed off the limb made by Scotland based Touch Bionics. ''It just gets me more excited about now, about the future.'' The prosthetic hand is made of semi-translucent plastics. Five individual motors power the fingers, allowing the person to grasp round objects. The hand's gestures are made possible through electrode plates that detect electrical signals generated in the remaining muscles in the amputated limb. Arredondo, of San Antonio, likened the limb to the bionics in ''Star Wars'' and ''Terminator.'' ''My son, he goes nuts about it,'' he said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7242007/i ... c-hand.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Long Distance Buy bulk minutes and cancel your long distance. You can find low per minutes rates with no monthly charges online. There usually is a number you have to call to initiate a call but you can program that into your phone. hey! This is the Internet Age! Everyone reading this, has access to a computer. Download Skype, and call all other Skype users free! You can call landline and cell phone numbers for a penny a minute anywhere in the world. Just get a $10 head set and talk hands free. Unless you do your long distance calling from the outhouse, download Skype! It's free! And if you DO make your long distance calls from the outhouse, get the other side to call you with Skype on their computer. Calling land lines or cell phones is a penny a minute or 60 cents per HOUR! There is no contract. If you call land lines or cells, you simply buy $10 worth (1000 minutes) via PayPal or credit card, and use up your 1000 minutes at whatever pace you choose. We have used Skype for tech support for many years and are quite happy with it. Voice clarity is much better than any regular phone. Have FUN! Dear Webby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Good Lord, why on earth did I invite all these ungrateful bums to dinner?" ============================================= ONE MORE TIME FOR PEGGY Peggy was starting to show her age. Her dark brown eyes had a clouded look. Her fur wasn't a thick as it used to be. She walked so slowly, favouring one hip, plus her hearing wasn't as sharp as in by gone days. She was 15 now. Old for a dog. Her family had adopted her from a dog pound, when she was a wild little pup. Just a mixed breed dog, that her family loved dearly. Every year, without fail Peggy would start to perk up. It was around the time the town put on their summer parade. Peggy had always pulled a small wagon with children in it. Every year it became harder for her to walk, let alone pull a wagon. The family decided it was time to quit. The day of the parade arrived. Peggy took her place in front of the old wagon, tail wagging, eager for her brood of kids to pull. Her owners, with tears in their eyes, told her no, not this year. Dogs are capable of great emotion. Peggy was puzzled and obviously devastated. Until the twin boys, aged 6 said, "I know, put Peggy in the wagon and we'll pull her." Peggy sat on a cushion, they took their place in the parade and started out. It was a small town, everyone knew the sweet old dog. They clapped, calling out her name. The twin boys giggled and pulled the wagon with the precious cargo aboard. Peggy sat up straight, her ears up, looking happily at the crowd. When the ribbons were given out for best in the parade, Peggy was awarded a hastily put together, necklace of doggy cookies. She barked, offered her paw to be shaken by the judges. She may have been the oldest in the parade, but she was definitely the Queen for the day. It was a day to rejoice, Peggy made it to the parade, one more time. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Water Melons
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby: Disappearing mails 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 24, 2007
======================================

It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't.
--- Martin Van Buren

=======================================

 is approached by the lifeguard at the public
swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to have to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said .

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

=======================================

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break.
 Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing
his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave
driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my
mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Two Canadians are driving in Texas. A Texas Ranger
notices out of the country plates and turns on the
lights and pulls them over.

Officer walks over to the car, the driver rolls down
his window and the officer takes his billy club and
whacks the driver on the back of the head.

The Canadian driver asks what that was for. The officer
says, "This is Texas, boy, when you see these flashing
lights to pull you over, you gets your insurance,
license and registration ready, don't make me wait!"

The officer checks them out and returns the documents.
Then the officer walks over to the other side of the
car and taps his wand on the glass, the passenger rolls
down his window and the officer whacks him in the head.

"What was that for", the Canadian Passenger asks.

"Boy", I just made your wishes come true,"says the
officer.

"What does that mean" asks the passenger. "Well, you
boys are going to get five miles down the road and
you're going to say, "Boy, I wish that dumb cop had
tried that with me!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Zi, a reporter in Peking, China Algorian Reporting in China July 20, 2007 - Beijing, China - AP Chinese police have arrested a journalist accused of faking an investigative report on buns stuffed with shredded cardboard that made headlines around the world. Beijing Television apologized during an evening news broadcast, saying the bun report was a hoax and the reporter had been taken into custody, but did not say when. A copy of the Wednesday broadcast was obtained by The Associated Press on Thursday. “He used deceptive means to get the footage on the air,” said news anchor Wang Ye, without giving specifics. “The Beijing Public Security Bureau has taken the criminal suspect, Zi, into custody and he will be severely dealt with according to law.” Zi’s footage appeared to show a makeshift kitchen where vendors made fluffy buns stuffed with chopped-up cardboard that had been softened in caustic soda and mixed with pork fat and flavoring. The story, allegedly shot with a hidden camera, was first broadcast on Beijing Television’s Life Channel on July 8 and then again three days later on China Central Television. Police said Zi had told editors he wanted to investigate the quality of pork buns, and spent two weeks visiting stands but could not find anything to report, Xinhua said. He filmed the fake report after coming under pressure to produce a story, the agency said. Beijing Television said Zi brought meat, flour, cardboard and other ingredients to a downtown Beijing neighborhood in mid-June, and had four migrant workers make the buns for him while he filmed the process. http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/MediaNews/2 ... 29-ap.html Rumors that Al Gore nominated him for a Pulitzer Prize have not been confirmed yet at press time. ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== This is what comes and drinks my water and eats birdseed.... Many nights... SOME NIGHTS THE JAVALINA do the same Joan in Prescott, AZ. =========================================== A tenderfoot scout is on his first camping trip. As soon as he has pitched his tent, he goes for a hike in the woods. In about 15 minutes, however, he rushes back into camp, bruised, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asks his patrol leader. "I was chased by a black snake," the frightened boy cries. The older boy smiles. "A black snake isn't deadly," he says "Hey," the tenderfoot groans. "If it can make you jump off a 150-foot cliff, it is." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Juniper Re: Disappearing files Dear Webby Lately I noticed that MailWasher will spool down a hundred or so mails, but then just show a listing of 15 - 20. What's the scoop? Should I be concerned? Juniper Dear Juniper That's just a sign that you are getting good with making filters. For example, if you made a filter that deletes mails automatically, if they contain the names of certain pharmaceuticals or watches or stock in the body of the mail, then MailWasher will count them, but it won't insult your eyes with that crap. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 22, 2007 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - AP The mayor and two of his bodyguards happened upon a house fire and ended up rescuing a cat, helping a victim and warning neighbors, officials and witnesses said. Neighbor Dorothy Young said she saw the smoke Friday morning and went outside to find two children who lived in the house crying at the bottom of her steps. ''We were all in shock, just yelling and crying,'' Young said. ''I couldn't believe what was happening. It was like a movie.'' Mayor John Street and two of his bodyguards, who had been walking to City Hall when they saw the burning home, rushed over to help, Young said. The bodyguards carried a boy who suffered minor burns into Young's home and went into the burning house to rescue a cat. Street, clad in sneakers, sweats and a ballcap, began banging on doors and urging people to leave their homes, said city Commerce Director Stephanie Naidoff. He told her the story before leaving town for the weekend, she said. Children playing with matches started the fire, and it was brought under control in a few minutes, said Fire Commissioner Lloyd Ayers. A 9-year-old was treated for minor burns, and three other people who lived in the house escaped without major injuries. http://www.happynews.com/news/7222007/p ... oy-cat.htm Pretty sad when a mayor needs two bodyguards!
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Muddy Footprints When you get muddy footprints in my house or car, sprinkle them with baking soda and let them dry. Once dry, vacuum up the dirt and then clean any leftover stain with Resolve or a similar carpet spot cleaner. If you try to clean the mud when it is wet, it will just spread it around. If you are in a hurry, use Zorb-All or any similar industrial absorbent material. You get it at automotive parts stores and many industrial and construction supply places. It is sort of like an industrial kitty litter. A bag that will fill 3 five gallon pails is usually around $12 - $15. It will absorb any liquid and even pull motor oil out of carpet or concrete. Just sprinkle it on, spread it a bit and let it sit for 15 -20 minutes, less if it is just puddle mud, then sweep or vacuum. Don't get stuck on the name "Zorb-All". That's like "Crescent Wrench". The people at the automotive parts store will know what you mean, but the name on the bag will depend on where you live and the brand they stock. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A man goes to a clinic early on a Monday morning and asks to see a doctor. He appears to be in great pain, and his hands are in bandages. The nurse looks at him sympathetically. "Arthritis, with complications?" she asks. "No," says the man. "Do-it-yourself, with concrete blocks." ============================================= JUNGLE'S PROPERTY The dog bared his fangs, growling deep in his throat. He lowered his head, the hair on his back rising in a ridge. He was defending his territory. Only a fool would think of trying to get into the tent behind him. Angus, a brute of a man, stepped back softly, "I ain't got nothing against you lad, I just want to talk to my buddy in the tent." The dog's fangs dripping salvia. He hadn't relaxed his tense body. He was not backing down. Out of the tent came a mild mannered man. He snapped at the dog, "Back off Jungle, get in the tent". The dog turned, giving the intruder a warning look before obeying the order. "Man, that is some wicked dog," Angus said. He kept his eyes on the tent. He held his breath when he saw the dog come back, he was dragging something in his mouth. Right behind the dog walked a little girl. "Well, " exclaimed Angus. "No wonder Jungle was acting so tough. He had this little sweetheart to protect." The owner of the dog turned a deep red when the child said, "Doggie was just taking care of his stuff." He's had it since he was a puppy, and daddy can't get it away from him." She giggled, "But doggie will let "me" have it. Daddy says my dog is a big teddy bear, unless you try to take his blankie!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional staff members and moves to the town. While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort, the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the waitress, and at one point in the conversation he asks her if she has any idea why the birth rate is so high. "Sure," she says. "Every morning the 6:00 train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aggtelek Park, Hungaria
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: McAfee malfunction 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 23, 2007
======================================

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
--- Rudyard Kipling

Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
--- T. S. Eliot

=======================================

Re the voting:
Thanks to all who wrote me!
I emailed the Ezinefinder about it in the morning, but have
not heard back from them. They are totally independent and
not hosted by us. Hopefully they will have their problem
fixed soon.

=======================================

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing  It's the only type of
cooking some men will do:

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain
of events is put into motion.

    (1) The woman goes to the store.
    (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a
        tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and
        takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill,
        drinking beer.
    (4) The man places the meat on the grill.
    (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the
        vegetables.
    (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
        burning.
    (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
        woman.
    (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
        table.
    (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
        dishes.
    (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's
just no pleasing some women.

=======================================

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk
that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee
to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes five.
"I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested,
"I guess the ponies must be getting old."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

The young woman looked up from her hospital bed
at the handsome doctor and said breathlessly,
"They tell me, doctor, that you're a real lady killer."

The doctor smiled, "Maybe so.. But the jury threw
the case out of court due to lack of evidence"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an armed robber in Fort Smith, Arkansas Library Robber July 19, 2007 - Fort Smith, Arkansas - AP A Fort Smith library branch was robbed of its fine money Thursday by a woman who implied she had a weapon, police said. "We're kind of dumbfounded," Fort Smith police Officer Vincent Clamser said. The robber, a tall, light-skinned woman who covered her face and head with bandanas, walked into the library's Windsor branch and handed the librarian a note, Clamser said. "She implied she had a weapon and that (the librarian) had one minute to comply," Clamser said. The librarian handed over what amounted to petty cash - some bills and change from the till used for fines for overdue books. Clamser said the amount taken was less than $20 dollars. "We're kind of wondering, why would anybody do this?," Clamser said. The robber faces a felony robbery charge, which may be upgraded to aggravated robbery, Clamser said. Any chance she might get off with just a fine? "No," Clamser said. If the woman is caught, how the case is pursued will be up to prosecutors, he said. Fort Smith has been the site of some unusual crimes of late, including the thefts of safes from three restaurants and a bank. Last week, a man who robbed a sandwich shop proved easy to catch when he made a quick change of clothes in front of a surveillance camera. In May, a man wanted for bank robbery was caught after Fort Smith police posted a MySpace page with a detailed description of him. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1399c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== Fellow was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas without success. Finally in desperation he said, "Look. I'll give ya a hundred to sleep with me tonight." "You ain't gonna get no where being so crude either buddy." the girl said. "Tell ya what. Try betting me 100 dollars at 2:1 that I won't put out for ya." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brenda Re: McAfee malfunction brenda rose wrote: I received this message from McAfee virus scan. They said I should notify you. Hopefully this type of activity can stop. ALERT ! If you received a phony postcard pick-up notice, claiming to be from a family member, or other vague source, then that is just an illegal spoof and NOT from us. Just like Ebay and PayPal, we too suffer from forgers. Mypostcards.com SELLS postcard software, but does NOT send postcards. Do not click on anything in the spoof. Just dump it. The real postcards are sent from legitimate card sites that use our software. ( Mypostcards.com provides the software, but does not compete with clients) Postcards sent with our software ALWAYS show the name and address of the sender MyPostcards type postcards never ask you to download any files, especially not a virus filled exe file. MyPostcards style postys are on the web and are viewed like any safe web page. Those spoofs are nothing new. The only thing new about these spoofs is that the computer of one of your friends has gotten infected, and that a virus sent itself to all the addresses in your friend's address book. You can send the spoof to the Spamcops at http://www.spamcop.net/ They will analyze it and show you where it really came from. McAfee VirusScan E-mail Scan has detected a potential threat in this e-mail sent by "mypostcards.com" -gzgd@expand.com- with the subject You've received an ecard from a Family member!. This e-mail has been quarantined. We strongly recommend that you report this suspect activity. to "mypostcards.com" -gzgd@expand.com-. Brenda Dear Brenda McAfee made a mistake by assuming that you had a clue and knew which part of a forged email was related to the sender. If you sent a mail forged to look like "Elvis Presley" - brose*@wi.rr.com - or "Hillary Clinton" - brose*@wi.rr.com - or "mypostcards.com" - gzgd@expand.com - then it would be kinda stupid to complain to Elvis or Hillary or Mypostcards, right? Well, the silly goofs at McAfee mistakenly assumed you were bright enough to understand that, and would not bother Elvis or Hillary or Mypostcards.com. You sure fooled THEM, eh ? Don't feel bad. We got thousands of mails similar to yours from of Outlook Express users, who don't seem to be able to see the actual address under the forged title part of an address. You SHOULD tell McAfee about their mistake and that their program is not compatible with Outlook Express users! All it does is make you look silly. If you want to learn about spoofs, browse to http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html There is an easy to read tutorial there. Have FUN! DearWebby PS. Elvis is not accepting email at this time. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Deltona, Florida - Gimundo Dale Tanguilig was upset. His best friend, David Black, was in the hospital again. He told his mother, Denise, that David, who suffers from a chronic kidney disorder called nephritic syndrome, needed a transplant. The donor needs to have the blood type O positive, Dale told his mother. Denise thought, “I’m O positive.” Denise approached David’s mother, Bonnie, during a school band practice. “Where do I get tested?” she asked. Bonnie started to cry. After weeks of testing, Denise was found to be a match. Her family was concerned, but, she said, “I’ve always wanted to do something like this.” So on Monday morning, Denise will give her kidney to David at Tampa General Hospital. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... iend?s_Mom
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Friends and Family Mailing Lists Consider setting up an email discussion list to help stay in touch with friends and family. It can be a great way to post announcements with family members all over the world.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A Scotsman was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said: "Is my wife here?" His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.." The Scot goes: "Are my children here?" "Yes, daddy, we are all here." say the children. The Scot: "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say: "Yes, we are all here..." The Scot gets up and says: "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?" ============================================= WIFE SAYS, ONE NEEDS COMPANY Bruce watched his Golden Retriever, Fred rub one side of his face on the ground. "I'm sort of worried," he said to his elderly wife Lisa. She looked at the dog closely. "You know, he's worn all the fur off that side of his face, we should take him to the vet, maybe Fred has a bad tooth." At the veterinarian's office, Fred continued to smear his face on the floor, the chairs, even on the legs of other people waiting to see the vet. Finally, his turn came. "He's in great shape, I'll just take a look in his mouth," the vet said. After a moment, he told the couple, "I can see something sparkle, he definitely has something hung up on a tooth." Fred let out a tiny whimper of pain, when the vet pulled out a small gold band, with a diamond. "This looks like an engagement ring," the doctor exclaimed. "Oh my gosh, that's my engagement ring." Lisa cried. "I lost it in the garden 30 years ago. We dug up every inch of the yard trying to find it." She looked at her husband who was holding his sides laughing. "What's so funny," she demanded. "Oh not much," Bruce said. "It's just that I bought you another ring for our 30th wedding anniversary. I guess you won't need it now." he continued, "I can spend the money on a new skill saw." Lisa took the old ring, put it on her finger, then told her husband. "Looks a bit lonely, the new one will even things out just right." The vet cracked up. "I'm a newlywed, I already know never to mess with women and diamonds."He looked at a very unhappy Bruce, "No skill saw for you, your wife really won this round." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Super Dogs
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: POST beep codes 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  July 22, 2007
======================================

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
--- Mark Twain

=======================================

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry
standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.

After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked
'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am. It's all
in perfect working order.'

=======================================

Little Johnny turns up in his classroom one morning to be
confronted by his teacher.

Teacher: "Morning Johnny, and why weren't you at school
yesterday?"

Johnny: "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt."

Teacher: "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?"

Johnny: "Nothing left but ashes, Ma'am.
They don't mess around at those crematoriums."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the
husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was so skinny.  The husband then donated some of his
skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of
this, because after all,... this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than
she ever did before!  All her friends and relatives just ranted
and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to
thank him for what he did.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get thanks enough
every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your
cheek!!

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michelle Rendino, 20, of Syracuse, New York Wrong Priorities July 19, 2007 - Syracuse, New York - AP A 20-year-old Syracuse woman who left children who were in her care alone to go pose for nude photos is facing several charges of endangering the welfare of a child. Police say Michelle Rendino was supposed to be watching four young girls yesterday when she left them alone and went into the woods near Syracuse's Inner Harbor to have a man take nude photos of her. A man fishing saw the children crying and called police. When police arrived, the oldest girl - a six-year-old - told police that "Aunt Michelle" went into the woods to take "nasty pictures." Rendino says she asked the man to take nude photos of her so she could get back at her ex-boyfriend. The children were returned safely to their mother. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1415c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== =========================================== After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: POST beep decoder Hi Mr Webby; Can you please tell me if this card is worth buying? Eddie POST PROBE PCI CARD POST Code Reader Card from Micro 2000 Dear Eddie That's just an old-fashioned POST (Power On Self Test) beep decoder. In the days when components were still repaired, some people used the beep decoders. For example, with an IBM 3270, (before the PC), 3 long beeps signalled keyboard problems, usually a stuck key. "Hmmm, sounds like you have been eating at your desk again!" Turning the keyboard upside down and whacking it on the desk usually fixed that problem. A long and a two short beeps indicated problems with the CGA video card on early IBM PC's and Canon XT's. Usually that problem was due to the video card creeping part way out of it's slot from heating and cooling. That called for "Percussive Maintenance". Lift the computer 10 inches and drop it onto the desk. "There, Ma'am. Should work fine now. Call me when it does it again." And so on. In those days, a good troubleshooter had all the POST code beeps memorized. Since then, things have gotten a bit simpler. Nowadays you see the post code numbers on the screen, or get 4 beeps, if there is a problem with the video card. If re-seating all the cards and memory doesn't help, and the "power-good" LED on the motherboard is lit up, you just start pulling and/or exchanging cards until you got the one that was causing the problem. If that doesn't help, replace the motherboard. If the problem is the power supply, you can tell by the sound of the power supply fan, or lack thereof. You can read about the POST beep codes at http://www.pchell.com/hardware/beepcodes.shtml however, that beep decoder is more of a nostalgia item than a modern troubleshooter's tool. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 20, 2007 - Newcastle, Delaware - Gimundo When Ameerah Pearman was a teenager, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Hodgkin’s disease, a form of cancer that affects the lymph nodes. She survived, but doctors told her she’d probably be unable to have children. Ameera, now 25, lost four other babies before birth, but a few months ago, she delivered her first child, Michael, who arrived four months premature. After 81 days in the hospital, Michael got to go home with his mother to their New Castle, Del., home. Ameerah said she never stopped believing she could have a family. “Statistics are just numbers, and God is the final doctor. He’s the physician that I listen to,” she said. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... iracle_Mom
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Glass Doors On Wood Furniture If you have a nice piece of furniture with glass windows surrounded by wood, don't spray glass cleaner directly on the windows. Some of the cleaner is bound to get on the wood and can damage the finish. Dampen a rag with glass cleaner and then wipe the window clean with the rag.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported." ============================================= LUCKY DOG - POOR ME When most people see an animal in danger, they will usually help. I'm no exception. I was in a parking lot on a boiling hot day. I noticed a large dog, sleeping, curled up in the shade of a parked car right behind the rear tires. The owner of the vehicle came out, got in, started up, then began to back up. I made a dash to snatch the dog out from behind the wheels. The dog was sound asleep, not pleased that a strange woman was suddenly yanking him around. The dog struggled, peed all over my new jeans, tried to bite me, and in the moment, I left one of my dainty little feet under the wheel, where the car ran over it. I let out a blood curdling scream. The car stopped, the driver jumped out very concerned that he had run over the poor dog. I'm hollering my head off, the dog has emptied his bladder on me, plus dished out a nasty bite, my foot is squished, and this guy is worried about the dog? I finally got it through to him that I was the hurt one. I let the dog go. It was desperate to get away from the screeching person hanging onto its tail with a death grip. X-rays showed no broken bones. I went home. My artist friend was amazed at how many colors a mashed foot can have. Purple, black, blues, even orange. I was not amused with her at all. The best part, a nice dog didn't get run over. The very worst, I had a date lined up to go dancing with a male of my liking. I had to phone him and tell him, "I have a foot-ache, not tonight honey." Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A sailor gets off his ship in New York late one night, hails a taxi and asks to be taken to 42nd Street. Along the way, he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have any money. Well-trained to be resourceful, and familiar with cabs in New York, of course, he tells the driver, "Stop," and he jumps out of the cab. "I'm just going to run over here to the drugstore to get some matches," he says. "I dropped a $100 bill somewhere back here and I can't find it in the dark." The sailor goes into the drugstore, and as soon as he's through the door, the taxi speeds off into the night -- just as he thought it would. ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tallest ferris Wheel
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: No Flash 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  July 21, 2007
======================================

If we command our wealth, we shall be rich and free.
If our wealth commands us, we are poor indeed.
— Edmund Burke

One's first step in wisdom is to question everything -
and one's last is to come to terms with everything.
--- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

=======================================

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion.  As store
owners ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the
pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.  His
white uniform was scorched black.  He walked up to a woman
standing nearby and said, "Lady!  Would you please ask your
doctor to write that prescription again.  And this time,
PRINT IT!"

=======================================

The judge read the charges, then asked,
"Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Jethro. "I got me a
lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one who done it."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something
in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave
him back his credit card....

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Atlanta-based Force Events Direct Marketing, Too many winners July 19, 2007 - Roswell, New Mexico - AP Everyone's a winner after a direct-mail marketing company hired by a local car dealership mistakenly sent out 50,000 scratch-off tickets to residents - all of them declaring the ticket-holder the $1,000 grand prize winner. Just one of the tickets was supposed to be the grand prize winner. Jeff Kohn, Roswell Honda general manager said a typographical error by Atlanta-based Force Events Direct Marketing, which printed the advertisement, had given all 50,000 scratch-off tickets grand prizes. "Unfortunately, they missed it in the proofreading," said Kohn, who was able to stop an estimated 20,000 direct mailers from being sent. Kohn said the dealership is "making a full-faith effort" to investigate the mistake, which he said is "not how we portray ourselves or our community." In a statement, Force Events apologized "for any inconvenience this may has caused car shoppers in the Roswell market" and asked that any questions and concerns be directed to the company. Force Events representatives are expected to be in Roswell on Thursday to sort out the mess, Kohn said. Meanwhile, the names, addresses and phone numbers of "winners" who arrive at the dealership were being taken down. Kohn said they will all be invited back to the dealership. "At this point, I don't know what exactly the company's solution is going to be," Kohn said. "We are not sure how Force Events is going to handle this matter. That's why they are flying out to Roswell and that's why I'm taking down people's names." http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 1412c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Dear Webby Thought you might like this picture of Mt. Athabaska with the Athabaska glacier between it and Mt. Hilda in the foreground at right. It was taken near the Icefields Parkway in Banff Park, Alberta. My wife and I were hiking on the old Banff -Jasper Highway along Nigel Creek about a week ago. Svend Thanks to Svend for sending this picture: =========================================== A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Almira Re: Further into the dark Dear Webby I need to take pictures of graduates from a course that I teach. The last ones were a disaster. The flash does not light up the second and third row, and without a flash, the overhead lights are too dim and make the faces look haggard. I remember you occasionally making strong statements against the use of flash, but I forgot what alternatives you recommended. Can you please tell me again? Thanks Almira Dear Almira Go to Home Depot or a similar construction supplier, and get yourself a 500 W or 1000 W Quartz work light. They are in rectangular cast aluminum fixtures just like yard and security lights, but have a much brighter lamp in it, and a safety grill in front of the glass. You can get them with a big alligator clamp to clip them onto a stepladder, or with a bright yellow tripod. Most photographers take that tripod out into the back alley and use a can of black barbecue paint to give it an expensive and professional look. However, that is a stupid idea. It just causes people to trip over the tripod legs. There is a good reason why it is bright yellow. Position the light a bit to the side of your spot and closer to the group or podium. Put your camera on a tripod and make sure that the light is just barely outside your cone of view. The older the crowd, the lower down the light should be. A knee high spotlight hides more wrinkles than a pound of make-up, but make sure the light is a bit to the side and not straight in front of your camera. Set the camera for 1/30 second or if it is an automatic, use the symbol of a person with a star above the head. To take the picture, hold up a manual flash with your left hand and set it off. Click the camera a second later, when they just start to relax, but before they let their chests fall back down into their drawers. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 19, 2007 - Callahan, Florida - IBS A Florida man recently came face to face with his 18-year-old self -- in the driver's license he lost 25 years ago, along with his wallet. A Nassau County, Fla., office worker recently found Ken Colsen's old wallet in a window ledge, still containing the pictures of his nephews, who are also grown up. The office worker looked up Colsen's name in the phone book to return everything. "She said, 'Is your address Mickler Street?' and I said, "I've not lived on Mickler Street in over 20 years,'" Colsen said. Colsen said he remembers last seeing the wallet in the parking lot of a McDonald's restaurant that used to stand a few miles away from the current office building. He speculates that someone found the wallet, took whatever cash was inside and then tossed it. "I was so astonished when she gave it to me that I was kind of shaking," Colsen said. "You don't expect to ever get it back, so when you get it back some 25 years later, it's bizarre." http://www.wftv.com/news/13713251/detail.html
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Air Out the House With summer here, open up windows when you use caustic cleaners. Opening up various windows and doors will help air circulate throughout the house and help freshen everything. An even better approach is to avoid these type of fumes by using cleaners like baking soda and vinegar. Some of the industrial citrus based cleaners are also very powerful. Their smell might be easier on your nose and throat than boiled down vinegar. A five gallon pail of concentrated cleaner will probably last you the rest of your life, and is surprisingly cheap at a janitorial supplies wholesaler. The proper way to decant the concentrate into a sprayer bottle or pint bottle for splashing a bit into a mop bucket, is to treat the pail like a barrel, not like a bucket. The bucket handle is just to get it out of the store and to your home. Lay the pail flat on a work bench or shelf. Raise the front a bit with a piece of wood, so that the big spout is higher than the liquid level. Pull the big spout out, unscrew the cap and tear out the safety seal. Now you can gently roll your "barrel" until you get a smooth, even flow from the spout. When you got enough, just roll it back and put the cap back on. Don't push the spout back in. Leave it sticking out. You can only push it back in about 200 times before it starts cracking and leaking. Totally ignore the little spout hole. That is just an air hole used when the concentrate is sucked out with a pump in the big spout. Use a couple of small wedges to stop your "barrel" from accidentally rolling. With this method you never have to lift the pail again, once it is in place, and you always get a smooth, even flow that is easy to control. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
Two voices - male and female - obviously on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go" Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in first" "It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on" Sniff sniff "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is great....." (long sigh) Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations... Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!" ============================================= SWINGING BELLA Bella was just plain lonely. A family had adopted her, welcomed her into their hearts and home. They had a sudden family emergency, leaving her at a neighbors farm but the farmers seemed too busy for her. On the place were two miniature donkeys. Bella went to meet them. Unlike most donkeys, these two liked dogs. Almost all donkeys will chase a dog away. Bella found a stick, inviting the mini's to play. The shaggy critters caught on fast. Each took one end of the stick in their mouth, then trotted off. Bella was left alone, again. She wanted to play. When the donkeys came close, she lunged at the middle of the stick, and hung on. The tiny critters thought this was great fun. Around and around the pasture they went, packing that stick, with Bella swinging gently between them. The game went on for hours. When the sun grew too hot, the mini's went into the shade to rest. Bella curled up with them. Eventually all three slept, worn out from the fun. Her adopted family arrived, calling out her name. She ran at full throttle towards them. She looked back at the donkeys who had trotted up to the fence. Jumping down, she found the stick, and the game was on. Her family got a huge kick out of the antics. Once at home, Bella settled in happily. She was greatly loved. Every week, her family would load her into the car, drop her off for an afternoon's play with the two mini's. The donkeys appeared to enjoy having a playmate, even if it was a dog. Truly, little Bella had the best of two worlds. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep... ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: American Scenery
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Transparent icon text background for XP SP2 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  July 20, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
======================================

"We have had so much rain in New York City today, half of
the puddles in Times Square were actually water."
--- David Letterman

"I can't do it" never yet accomplished anything;
"I will try" has performed wonders.
--- George P. Burnham

"I will do it", gets the job done.
--- DearWebby

=======================================

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous
detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales
about himself in which he was the laughing-stock.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the
railway station in Paris.  When a taxi pulled up, he placed
his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?'' asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted.  He asked the driver whether he
knew him by sight.  "No, sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

The driver said, "This morning's paper had a story about you
being on vacation in Marseilles.  This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come.  Your skin
color tells me you have been on vacation.  The ink spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer.  Your
clothing is very English, and not French.  And so, I deduced
that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing.  You are a real life
counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing that gave you away," the driver said,
after pocketing his tip.

"What is that?" questioned Doyle.

The driver said, "Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

=======================================

A couple was taking a stroll through a park, when they came
upon a wishing well.  The woman leaned over, made a wish and
threw a quarter down the well.

Her husband decided that he also wanted to make a wish.
Unfortunately, he leaned over too far and fell down the well.

The woman stood there in shock for a moment and said,
"Wow!  It really works!"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Thanks to Kati for bringing back this classic:
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and
then was afraid to come down. The Pastor coaxed, offered
warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy
enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope
to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then r
each up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in
the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further,
the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through
the air - out of sight.

The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten.

No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten So he prayed,
"Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on
about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one
of his church members. He happened to look into her s
hopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman
was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her,
"Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how
her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, s
o the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat,
I'll let you keep it."

She told the Pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard,
get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor,
you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to some thieves in Poland Really dry now! July 6, 2007 - Bytom, Poland - Ananova A Polish family in a block of flats stole their own roof after working out they would not get wet if it rained. The theft was in the town of Bytom in south-west of Poland where extra cops have been drafted after authorities complained thefts were now such a problem that nothing was safe. A police spokesman said: "One family occupying the ground floor of an apartment block worked out that they would not get flooded if there was no roof on the building, so they stole it." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2402846.html?menu= ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: =========================================== Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: transparent desktop icon text backgrounds Dear Webby FYI I went to google and put in "make desktop icon background transparent". The first page was filled with the the same info on "how to" that you sent me, which did not work for me. But on the second page this came up, and it worked!!! Jai Display Properties => Desktop => Customize Desktop => Web "Lock desktop items" - uncheck! Jai Thanks Jai! That does indeed work like a charm with XP-SP2 ! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Friends restore Lotus in secret A sports car enthusiast who suffered a mini stroke while restoring a Lotus Esprit was amazed when online friends finished the work for him in secret. Simon Pritchard, 36, from Abergavenny, had been in the process of rebuilding the 25-year-old car when he fell ill, reports the BBC. When members of the Lotus Esprit online forum website heard, they donated money and time to fix it. The original 18-month project costing £25,000 actually took his friends just five weeks to complete. Mr Pritchard had several mini strokes after developing Reiter's Syndrome - a form of arthritis which develops as a reaction to infections in the body. As part of his research, he logged onto a website which allowed people to get help and advice in the restoration of such cars. Andy Betts, from Bexley, Greater London, who runs the website said: "He was trying to do up the car even though he was quite unwell. "One day I phoned him up and his wife said he was in hospital and I thought that there had to be something we could do to help him." So while Mr Pritchard recovered in hospital, Mr Betts set up an area on the website which Mr Pritchard was denied access to and went about recruiting help from the 3,800 members. Offers of money, car parts and time soon came flooding in and so with the help of Mr Pritchard's wife Kelly, the group organised to have the car taken to a garage in nearby Caerphilly for restoration. Over the next five weeks, more than 2,000 hours of work were put in by people who travelled from as far as Hertfordshire, Cheshire and Kent. "I can't even begin to thank all the people who were involved. It just restores your faith in people and shows that there is good in everybody," he said.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shop Around For Checks Don't assume that your bank has the best price on checks. You can often find checks for as much as half the cost from other check suppliers. Just carefully check your bank numbers and personal information as you would with any box of checks.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I didn't pad my bra enough to get the job." ============================================= THE KITTEN WHO WASN'T THERE Toby was a huge dog who detested cats. He wandered into a local garage one day and there he stayed. Content, friendly, playful, until he saw a kitty. He would lunge at the feline, or chase it for blocks returning looking very proud of himself. The garage was near a lake. Toby often went down for a cool dip. One day, he snarled when he saw a small grey kitten step onto a piece of log that was half in the water. The wood slipped into the lake with the kitten crying piteously. It was drifting further out, carrying a reluctant rider. Topy went after the kitten. When he reached it, the tiny thing jumped onto his head, hanging on for all he was worth. Toby made it back to shore, shook the kitten off and made tracks for home. He had a shadow. The soaked kitten followed right along. Right into the garage where Toby flopped down on his bed. Right in between the dog's paws, where it rested, purring. Finally it fell asleep. Toby had the most pained look on his face. He hated cats, what was he to do with this one! He solved his dilemma, amusing everyone by pretending it wasn't there. Even at meal time, when the baby cat ate from his dish, Toby ignored it. He slept with the kitten curled up beside him, only the cat wasn't there. Until the kitten was adopted, the dog got through each day, by pretending he had no idea a cat was even in the garage. It worked out well for both of them. I mean, a dog has to have some pride, right? Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== Mr. Doggins was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The birds were ruining his prize winning flower beds. The neighbor told Doggins that the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. Two weeks later, a friend visited Doggins and noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you get your neighbor to keep his hens in his own yard?" Doggins said, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed. The next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Just in case...
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



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Dear Webby: Spam from Excite.com 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  July 19, 2007
======================================

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if,
by ill luck, people understood each other,
they would never agree.
--- Charles Baudelaire

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching
TV by candlelight?
--- Al Boliska

=======================================

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He
stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil,
then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a
goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The
livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady.
She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my
brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go
down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and
ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a
goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall
and do that?"

The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the
goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens....

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

With deep concern, Brian noted that his friend Peter was
far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over
to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"

"It's a woman." replied Peter. "What else?"

"Tell me about it," coaxed Brian.

"It's your wife." replied Peter

"My wife? What about her?" Asked Brian

Peter turned and looked Brian in the eye and said "Well,
buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Matthew Garmon, 18 of East Barren, Kentucky He is going to be even mre bored soon! July 17, 2007 - Glasgow, Kentucky - AP A volunteer firefighter in south-central Kentucky was arrested after allegedly making false 911 calls because he was bored, police said. Joshua Matthew Garmon, 18, a member of the East Barren Volunteer Fire Department, was charged Sunday with nine counts of falsely reporting an incident, according to the Barren County Sheriff's Department. The false calls came from cell phones that don't work anymore except for emergency 911 calls, Detective Rusty Anderson said. Anderson said Garmon allegedly made false reports of fires and wrecks with injuries because he wanted to go on fire runs. http://apnews.excite.com/article/200707 ... JJ1G0.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Ann for this picture: Eagle on the tree in front of the house =========================================== The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Anapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist. He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mindy Re: Excite.com Dear Webby What's with all this spam coming from excite.com? Can't anything be done about it? Dear Mindy Excite is spammer friendly. I simply trash all mail coming from excite.com, right on the server, unseen by anybody, automatically. If you don't have MailWasher, then tell your ISP to block all mail coming from excite.com. You never get any useful mail from an excite.com address anyway. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 18, 2007 - Slidell, Louisiana - AP An anonymous benefactor helped settle a long-standing lawsuit in which a land company claimed ownership of a house sold without the residents' knowledge over a $1.63 tax bill. ''I don't even know who to thank,'' Dolores Atwood, 69, said after the settlement returned the property title to her and her 71-year-old husband. ''But I'm relieved and happy that this is finally over.'' The local businessman who paid Jamie Land Co. to settle the lawsuit wants to remain anonymous for now, said his attorney, Gary Duplechain. He stepped forward after reading about the Atwoods' plight. Jamie Land President James Lindsay II said the agreement reached Tuesday calls for the amount paid to remain undisclosed. ''But it wasn't a lot of money,'' he said. In 1996, the $1.63 bill was sent to a defunct address and returned as undelivered. The Atwoods weren't looking for it, because they had owned the four-bedroom house mortgage free since 1968 and had been exempt from the state tax. As a result, the home was sold at a St. Tammany Parish sheriff's auction in 1997. The State Tax Commission eventually nullified the sale, but when the Atwoods tried to sell the house in 2002, they discovered that Jamie Land Co. still had the property rights. Lindsay argued his rights were violated when the tax commission didn't inform him of its decision. Last month an appeals court sided with the Atwoods, and Jamie Land had been planning to appeal to the state Supreme Court. Delores Atwood said having the title will allow them to apply for assistance to help repair damage caused by Hurricane Katrina. She's been staying in a trailer on the property while her husband, Kermit, who is on a respirator, lives with relatives. ''I'm tired of living in a FEMA trailer,'' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7182007/b ... p-home.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Avoiding Workbench Clutter Keep a garbage can right by your workbench or work areas. Try to find convenient place to store items, like safety goggles, so that they are near where you used them the most. Keep a small hand broom near your work bench to sweep debris into a garbage can.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
============================================= COPYCAT PARROT "Take the batteries out of that blasted smoke alarm," Ethel snapped at her husband. "It bleeps no matter what I'm cooking." Her husband argued, "I don't think that's a good idea." One look at his cranky wife however, and he dismantled it. She grumbled, I wish you could dismantle the blasted parrot." The parrot that had a huge repertoire of sounds. He drove Ethel to distraction daily, imitating sounds like the phone ringing, barking dogs, crying kids, doors slamming. It sang TV commercials, almost any sound, if the bird heard it enough, it would imitate. He loved to say, "Ethel" over and over. Ethel slid the turkey into the oven. She was in a hurry, had more shopping to do as company was coming. As she went out the door, the bird called, "Goodbye Ethel." She yelled back, "Just shut up." The parrot sang over and over, "Shut up, Shut up, Shut up," until he tired. Dealing with a bad mood, had made Ethel careless. She had turned the oven temperature too high. It wasn't long before smoke curled around the stove. Neighbours heard the smoke detector. Knowing no one was home, they dialled 911.The fire dept. arrived, turned off the oven, then tossed the blackened turkey out the door. They looked for a smoke alarm, but it wasn't there. The parrot was sitting on the table watching. Everyone jumped when he lit into an ear piercing siren of a smoke alarm. Ethel was visibly shaken finding the firefighters in her home. Her parrot was preening from all the attention he was getting. She turned white when the neighbours told her what happened. She held the parrot, "I guess you better stay after all." The bird responded, "Shut up Ethel, Just, Shut up!" Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A couple got married in a western one horse town and took the their homey moon in the bright lights of Las Vegas. While checking in the hotel clerk said to the honeymooners, "Would you like a single room or a double or for $100 you can have the bridal." The woman responded, "No, I don't need the bridal, I'll just hang on to his ears until he gets the hang of it." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: World of Roses
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: What to do with too old computers 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  July 18, 2007
======================================

It is better to sleep on things beforehand
than to lie awake about them afterward.
--- Baltasar Gracian

=======================================

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.

Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.

Patient: I don't touch a drop.

Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.

Patient: I don't smoke.

Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.

Patient: I don't do drugs.

Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.

Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.

Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke,
and find a couple of girlfriends.

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor,
was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the
other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the
word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent
you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you
very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters
stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a bus driver in Lindau, Germany Too sensitive for being a bus driver July 17, 2007 - Germany - The Scotsman A German bus driver threatened to throw a 20-year-old sales clerk off his bus in the town of Lindau because he said she was too sexy. The woman, named only as Debora C, told Bild newspaper: "Suddenly he stopped the bus. He opened the door and shouted at me, 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus'." The woman said she moved to another seat, but was left humiliated. The bus company defended the driver. "The bus driver is allowed to do that and he did the right thing," a spokesman said. "A driver cannot be distracted, because it's a danger to the safety of all the passengers." http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1110922007 ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: View from Darjeeling =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this story: One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He then ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered breathlessly. He whispered back, "I found the remote." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Scott Re: Too Old Computers Dear Webby Our club gets, among other things, old computers donated to us, so that we can try to convert them into cash for charitable purposes. However, quite a few are so old, that we can't do anything with them and just wind up paying disposal fees. Do you have any ideas? Thanks Scott Dear Scott Hold a Computer Smashathon. Provide safety goggles and a sledge hammer and charge a dollar per hit. You'll be surprised how much money you will raise! When they are all smashed to bits, glue them together into a big abstract sculpture, take good pictures of it and sell it on eBay. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos 7/17/2007 - Gimundo Drinking and cigarette smoking often go hand-in-hand, as anyone who’s ever frequented a bar will attest. Now it turns out a drug that helps smokers quit smoking may also kill the urge for alcohol as well. The drug, called varenicline, works by targeting a pleasure center in the brain that makes smoking enjoyable. New research suggests the same spot in the brain is affected by alcohol. Scientists said the drug could be used to treat other kinds of addictions, such as gambling. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/3 ... ts_at_Once!
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bringing a Thermos To Work You can save money by bringing coffee to work in a thermos rather than buying it there. Before filling your thermos with coffee, fill it up with hot tap water and let it sit for a few minutes. This will help warm up the thermos before adding the coffee and it will stay hot longer.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive in the car. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and decided that for this Sunday she would take their daughter out. They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father. "Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?" "Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... ....we didn't see a single bastard or moron!" ============================================= JINGLE'S PALATE As a young bride, I wanted to make my new husband something special. I gathered all the materials for sugar cookies. My mother had made them for years, the melt in your mouth kind. I was positive I could do the same. My dog Jingles, always on the prowl for dropped crumbs from the table kept me company. Something wasn't right. What should have been a nice soft ball of cookie dough, was a dry hard lump. I didn't have a rolling pin, so used a shoe in a plastic bag, to wack the ball into a flat shape. Jingles usually ate anything that hit the floor. It was odd, he was ignoring all the pieces that drifted down. I finally got the cookies into the oven. They looked fine, just didn't brown. I offered a warm one to Jingles. He took it very politely, went out to the yard, dug a deep hole and buried it. Okay, he was saving it for later. I tried one, and darn near broke my teeth. I noticed Jingles had dug his up. Some crows were banging away at the cookie with their beaks. It wouldn't break. I took at look at the ingredients I had used. No wonder the dog wouldn't touch them. Instead of flour I had used a container of drywall compound, that when water is added, is used to repair holes in walls. I dug a hole to bury the rest. Months later, Jingles dug them up, well preserved. He placed one in front of my new husband. "Very strange," he said, "I've never seen white hockey pucks before." Even today, if I bake something new, I'll offer a bite to the dog. I trust his judgement. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== "My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?" "I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in The Flood." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Tall Ships Festival
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: How to recognize a spoof 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  July 17, 2007
======================================

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is
dressed in overalls and looks like work.
--- Thomas Edison

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others.
--- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

=======================================

One of the airlines recently introduced a special
half-fare rate for business women to take their hubands
along on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity
department of the airline sent out letters to all the
husbands of business women who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip???"

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

Greg and Ron were in a lodge, making small talk. Greg
asked Ron, "So, what do you hunt?"

Ron answered, "I hunt unicorns."

Greg was startled, but said, "Really? How
do you do that?"

Ron answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn
comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Greg said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've
heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Ron replied "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns
around, either!"

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Daniel Ellis, Cape Cod, Massachusetts Jury Shirker Will be serving more than jury duty time ... July 10, 2007 - Barnstable, Massachusetts - AP A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges. "In 32 years of service in courtrooms, as a prosecutor, as a defense attorney and now as a judge, I have quite frankly never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service," Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson told Daniel Ellis, according to a preliminary court transcript of the exchange. Ellis, of Falmouth, had been called to court with about 60 other potential jurors for possible service on a 23-member grand jury. On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, Ellis wrote that he didn't like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with Nickerson. "You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said. "That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted. "I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added. "I'm sorry?" Nickerson said. "I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied. "So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked. "Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response. Ellis then admitted he really didn't want to serve on a jury. "I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said. "That's true," Ellis answered. Nickerson ordered Ellis taken into custody. He was released later Monday morning. Ellis could face perjury and other charges. http://www.tri-cityherald.com/24hour/we ... 5839c.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli for this picture: Star Gazer Lily =========================================== A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jack Re: REMOVE!!! Take me off your mail list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I get one more email from you I WILL turn you in to the FCC. Jack Quirk jack@kjproductions.tv Hi Jack Go right ahead and make the FCC laugh about you. You can also try the FTC, and for good measure FTD. You don't have an account with us, so I can't remove you from anything. However, I would recommend that you get somebody to 'splain to you what a spoof is, and how to recognize a spoof. Then you can stop barking at the wrong tree, just to amuse me. Have FUN! DearWebby How to recognize a spoof http://webby.com/info/recognize-a-spoof.html ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos July 16, 2007 - Angola, Indiana - AP The personal touch earned a waitress a $10,000 tip. Jessica Osborne, 20, received the gift from a family of regulars at the Pizza Hut where she works in this northeastern Indiana town. The family, a mother and two sons, stopped in recently for their usual: two Mountain Dews, a cup of hot water for tea and a large Meat Lover's Stuffed Crust pizza. They requested Osborne as usual and chatted about their lives. ''They make your day better when they come in,'' Osborne said. She said she told them how she had started college twice but had to drop out because she didn't have enough money. They told her of their plans to move away, and she asked that they say goodbye before leaving town. They returned last week and handed Osborne a check, folded in half, with money from an education fund they had set up after a death in the family. ''I didn't want to look at it because I thought I was going to cry,'' Osborne said. She did just that when she looked inside. Osborne said she is now considering her options for where to study photography and journalism. ''I haven't had time to figure it out,'' she said. http://www.happynews.com/news/7162007/i ... er-tip.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning a Toaster First unplug the toaster. Open the crumb catch tray, making sure you open it over a garbage can or outside to avoid getting crumbs everywhere. To get it super clean, you can use some compressed air like you use for cleaning inside of electronic device. Never clean the inside with water. Do NOT use canned compressed air! Don't even allow it anywhere near your home! Kids inhale it to get stoned, and hundreds a year die from that. If you think you need to shoot petrified bread crumbs into your eyes and down your cleavage, use a tire pump or electric air compressor. However, unless you have weird fetishes like putting runny jam onto your toast before putting it into the toaster, it's enough to turn it upside down over your bird feeder or sidewalk, and slapping it a few times. If the neighbors are watching, tell them that your toaster is haunted and has been misbehaving. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ============================================= PAY BACK TIME It took us months of hard work. Finally our backyard pond was finished. It had a fountain, water plants, beautiful fish, we even had lighting rigged up to show it off at night. Compliments were many. For weeks we enjoyed the pond. It was the perfect place to relax. Our black lab, Jack was getting on in years. He still slept in his dog house at night when the weather was warm. This was fine, until his frenzied barking woke us up in the wee hours of the morning. He was racing around and around the pool, barking his fool head off. The phone began to ring, neighbours wanting to know if we had a prowler. I searched every inch of that pond, turned the fountain off, shut off the lights, finding nothing, grumbled at Jack to shut up, then stumbled back to bed. Ah, silence. Until Jack started up again. What was with that dog? He'd never acted like this before. Out I went, this time sneaking up behind him. I whispered "What is it Jack?" The poor dog was so startled he leaped right into the water. Right out the other side bounced a toad the size of a grapefruit. Jack went after it, the toad sat like a lump. Jack sniffed it all over, wrinkled his lip, backing away from the thing. I gently pushed the toad under the neighbours fence then went back to bed. Suddenly the neighbors dog went into full alert. I still feel guilty that I put the toad under the fence. At least Jack wasn't blamed for barking. Besides their cat had been digging in my flower beds for years. It was payback time! Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a lazy old fart." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Lavender Festival
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Increase Picture Size 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  July 16, 2007
======================================

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you;
But if you really make them think, they'll hate you.
--- Don Marquis

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize
till you have tried to make it precise.
--- Bertrand Russell

=======================================

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.

However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

======================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

===========================================

When my husband was a student at Tennessee Temple University,
I often asked him to do errands after class, tying ribbons on
his fingers to remind him.  A good sport, he didn't protest,
even though his classmates obviously noticed my little reminders.

One day he had to have a mole removed from above his ear and
emerged from the doctor's office with his head wrapped in a
white bandage.  When he walked into class, everyone just stared.
Finally one student blurted out, "Whatever your wife wants you
to remember today, it must be REALLY important."

===========================================

Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Lane, 25, Suffolk County, NY Phony Cop July 11, 2007 - Bohemia, New York - AP There were flashing lights atop his SUV and what appeared to be a police badge in his hand, but it was the man he tried to pull over who was the real police detective. Robert Lane, 25, was arrested Tuesday on charges of criminal impersonation and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, Suffolk County police said. Lane was driving an SUV fitted with flashing lights when he tried to stop the off-duty New York police detective on a highway on Long Island, Suffolk police said. They said Lane told investigators the detective had cut him off. The detective got suspicious when Lane drove up alongside him, identified himself as an officer and flashed a small police badge, Suffolk police said. The detective showed his own police ID and ordered Lane to pull over, then followed him when he didn't and called in local police to arrest him, authorities said. Lane could not immediately be located for comment. http://cbs2chicago.com/watercooler/wate ... 94723.html ===========================================
We have a date for you!
Did you go on a date this weekend? If not, then we can make sure you have a HOT and fun date next weekend with the exact person you would want to be on a date with! We would like to give you a membership to our dating site and dating community for no charge at all, and no credit card is required to get it!
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for these pictures: Bromeliad =========================================== There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Fred Re: Making a picture larger Dear Webby, I have a digital picture that measures 548 x411 pixels but the company requires a minimum of 700 x 500. Would you please advise me how to increase the pixel size. Thank you, Fred Dear Fred Any graphics program will do that, even Windows Paint, though that is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. First increase the color depth to 16 Million. Then soften the contrast just slightly, about 2 - 3 %. Next, increase the picture size to what you need. And finally, sharpen the contrast 6 - 10%. If pictuer quality is not that important, you can skip the softening and sharpening. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Garden birds too loud says council A great grandmother was ticked off by her local council over noise - from birdsong in her garden. The official note from environmental health warned of "a complaint alleging nuisance caused by birds singing." Dorothy Berry, 65, of Fulham, West London, said: "When I saw the letter I thought someone was larking about. "I have a lovely garden in which the blackbirds sing in the trees and on the aerial of the house. But I really don't see what we can do about that." The letter to Dorothy claimed the problem was caused by birdsong "arising from your premises during the early hours". It went on: "In the interests of preventing any possible disturbance to nearby residents you may wish to consider if any such noise is likely to cause offence." She added: "We have so much wildlife, it's so beautiful. The frogs croak in the pond - maybe they are doing that too loudly?" A spokesman for Hammersmith and Fulham Council said: "We are aware that this matter has ruffled a few feathers. "But we must investigate all complaints from residents - however bizarre they may appear."
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can email to the Express Empress at 7empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remove Hard Water Deposits From Faucets To remove vinegar deposits that accumulate on faucets from hard water, fill a bag with vinegar and tie the bag to the faucet. Allow the faucet to soak in the vinegar for a couple of hours. When you remove the bag, the deposits should be gone. Repeat if necessary. I think they meant "mineral" deposits. For tap stems and fixtures you can rip an old t-shirt into strips and wrap them tightly around the fixtures, then soak them with vinegar. After an hour you can undo the strips and use them to polish off what mineralization remains. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html?pub_code=dailtt ========================================
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..." ============================================= SMALL DOG ADJUSTMENT "I don't care what you say, small dogs are just silly pampered toys." Ray was on his rampage again. He believed the only real dog was one that was tough, mean, and could lick any dog in a good fight. Ray loved to go fishing. He couldn't swim. Being a macho man he refused to wear a life jacket when out in his boat. That was for sissy's. He set out on a warm afternoon, thinking the fish would be in a shady spot near the shore. Sure enough, he caught one. Standing in the boat, taking the fish off his line, the boat rocked. Ray lost his balance, toppling into the water. "Help me, I can't swim." he gurgled. "I'm gonna drown." He thrashed around desperately Suddenly, a black miniature poodle leapt into the water. She reached the man, grabbed him by an arm, then headed for shore. Ray tried to help by kicking his legs. Once ashore, he said, "I thought I was a goner, "That little dog saved my life." The tiny poodle jumped up into his arms where he patted her awkwardly. "Guess I was wrong about little dogs, this tiny curly thing sure is brave." I looked at my friend, "Are you going to tell him?" He grinned, "No way." We both laughed knowing that Ray had only been in five feet of water. All he had to do was stand up. Having that poodle "save" him, gave him a change of heart regarding small dogs. His dunking had been well worth it. Stormy O' =============================================
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
======================================== This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING! ========================================
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ancient wooden toys for the imaginative
======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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