Dear Webby: RoboForm 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 13, 2008

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better. --- George Santayana
Thanks to Cookie for bringing back this Classic: A new priest, born and raised in Texas, is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions' and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No sh**... what happened next?'
Thanks to Guinn and JoAnn for this picture: Today's picture of a hawk is indeed a Cooper's. We also have a resident Cooper's and , beliefve it or not, we were preparing to send OUR picture to you today also! Guinn and JoAnn
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kirk Gossett in Gilbert, Arizona Too dumb to use an umbrella GILBERT, Ariz. (UPI) -- The insurer for an Arizona high school has rejected a father's claim for damages because this year's graduation ceremony was held in the rain. Kirk Gossett sought $400 from the Arizona School Risk Retention Trust for a sports coat he says was ruined while he watched his son graduate from Gilbert High School and for the cost of flying his daughter from Utah for the ceremony, The Arizona Republic reports. Insurance adjuster Thomas Mullen, in a letter rejecting the claim, said that the high school made a "good faith effort" to hold the ceremony and to do the best by its graduates and their families. While some schools in the area moved graduation indoors because of the unexpected, and, for Arizona, unusual, rain, Gilbert officials decided to go ahead with an outdoor ceremony. "The fact that it rained and caused some disruption and an abbreviated ceremony is unfortunate but does not create a liability," Mullen said. Assistant Gilbert Superintendent Clyde Dangerfield said the rain was the first he has seen on graduation day in 15 years in the town. He said Gossett's claim was a first too.
Thanks to Sandie for this story: I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one. "How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: RoboForm Thank you for the info but is this Roboform for anyone such as an armature like me that is new to the Internet also do they charge. Dear Robert Yes, RoboForm is 100% safe. I would not give them a link in the Humor Letter every day, if it was not perfectly safe. I have used it for many years, and would be totally lost without it. And Yes, anybody can use Roboform. The free version is for amateurs and small businesses, and they have a paid version for big business. Both work fine and are easy to use. You can get the free version at http://webby.com/roboform or from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. Have FUN! DearWebby

Why do Italian organ grinders always have a monkey with them? Somebody has to do the bookkeeping.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peeling Hard-Cooked Eggs Tap the egg on the counter all over to crack the eggshell in several places. Rub the cracked egg between your hands to loosen the eggshell. Then dip the egg in a bowl of ice cold water and begin peeling. Don't forget to add the shells to the compost or some of your houseplants! Visit ThriftyFun For More Food Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... o_916.html Visit ThriftyFun for more Back To School Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Back%20To%20School_2.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are okay. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did, also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked just fine when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that when a car is that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad when we lost the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. He said next time he is going to steal a much newer one. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets and dynamite. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Untamed Animal Photos
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: PowerPoint Defaults 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 12, 2008

Watch for falling stars tonight!
Thanks to Sandie for this story: The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would say it was Armageddon). As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility, that we might be in error. To her credit, she finally said, "Look, I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine," I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right."
Thanks to Joan for this picture: IN OUR 5 acre yard.... this is a YOUNG COOPERS HAWK... (we think) He and another one have been hanging around for about a week or ten days. I caught them playing together one day. Joan
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alaska's Division of Elections Sent in by Ross Kodiak voters get Tagalog election pamphlets Many Kodiak residents were a bit confused when they received election pamphlets urging them to "Bumoto!" The pamphlets for four ballot initiatives being decided Aug. 26 weren't in English but in Tagalog, a language widely spoken in the Philippines. An apparent mix-up at the printers was discovered when a resident called Alaska's Division of Elections looking for an English version. Division of Elections spokeswoman Shelly Growden expects pamphlets printed in English to be in voters' mailboxes shortly after the election. Meanwhile, both English and Tagalog versions of the pamphlet are available on the division's Web site: http://www.elections.alaska.gov.
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
A travelling salesman finds himself stranded in the tiniest town in Australia. He knocks on the door of a little hotel. "Sorry, we don't have a spare room," says the manager, "but you're welcome to share with a little red-headed schoolteacher, if that's okay." "Oh, that'll be great," says the salesman, grinning from ear to ear. "And don't worry, I'll be a real gentleman." "Just as well," says the manager. "So will the little red-headed schoolteacher."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Powerpoint defaults Dear Webby; I have Open Office, as you suggest, and also power point, however when I open a PP type presentation it opens in Open Office and I would much prefer the PP presentation. How do I configure Open Office so PP is the "prefered" program for those presentations please without having to go to the F5 key.. Thanks as always for your help. Ann Dear Ann By default, a.ppt file opens as an automatically running slide show, pps opens as a working view with the thumbnails on the left and the big pictures on the right. If you want a file to always open as a running slide show, just rename it's extension to ppt. That doesn't change the file, it just tells programs how you want them to open that file. Have FUN! DearWebby

I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave. The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?" "No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Going to a New School If your kids are going to new school, take a tour of the campus before school starts so they can get a feel for the layout. It will make their first day of school much less stressful if they know the lay of the land. Check with your school to see if they offer an orientation for new students. Visit ThriftyFun for more Back To School Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Back%20To%20School_2.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Our high school principal has each teacher report class attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students present by gender, for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical-education instructor. "I have twenty- seven pupils present, sir," she announced. "Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need sex!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 50th Anniversary of NASA
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Power Point Problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 11, 2008

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. --- Fran Lebowitz Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old did you say you are?" "I am seventy-eight," the man said proudly. "Seventy-eight!" the doctor exclaimed. "That's great. You look like a sixty year old. How do you stay so healthy?" The old man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married. Whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. And the old man said, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
This restaraunt owner in China used an online translation site to translate the name of his shop for the Olympics.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an Israeli couple currently in Paris 'Don't we have five children?' Staff at an airport in Israel have found a three-year-old girl alone in a duty-free shop after her parents accidentally took a plane without her. The parents boarded the flight to Paris from Ben Gurion Airport with four of their five children, reports the BBC. The parents did not realise their mistake until the captain of the plane informed them after take-off, according to police. The girl was put on the next flight to Paris. The parents will be questioned when they return to Israel. "It is usual that travellers in a rush forget their luggage but not a child. This never happens," a police official said.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," said the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard said, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available". I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course, I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: Powerpoint viewer problem Dear Webby; Thanks for your help with the everyday problems of PC use. For some reason, I can no longer view Powerpoint links sent to me by friends. I have downloaded the MS links that are available (Powerpoint viewing, etc). I have MS Word (2003) and MS Works. Now when slide presentations are sent me I get the first picture and then a box asking for me 13 (or however many) Product code #'s. What is my best solution? Thanks in advance for your help. hank Dear Hank Just get Open Office from http://download.openoffice.org/ It has a PPT reader included. I haven't used the Microsoft PPT reader in years. Have FUN! DearWebby

A young mother of a newborn girl announced to her husband, "I've made up my mind. We'll call our daughter Eulalia." The new father did not care for this choice at all, but he was a very tactful young man. He said, "That's fine, honey. The first girl I loved was named Eulalia, and it will evoke pleasant memories." The wife was silent for a moment, then said, "We'll call her Mary after my mother."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ironing Tip: Ironing Ribbons When ironing ribbons that are difficult to lay flat try holding the end of the ribbon down with your thumb and pull the iron towards you. It's much easier than trying to push the iron forward over an unruly and wrinkled ribbon. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing And Laundry Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cleaning_Laundry_296_318.html Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

I saw a news story about a family of ten in Tennessee who were struck by lightning at the burial of one of their family members. Was this God's way of telling the preacher not to lie? "We all know Billy-Bob was a GOOD man . . . " KAZZZZAAAP! "Ok, ok, he was a devoted father . . . " KAZZZAAAAP! "Jesus!" ZAAAP! "Look, we're all just relieved he was wearing clothes when we found him!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Molly, Symbol of Hope
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Remove antivirus 2009 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 10, 2008

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. --- Joseph Stalin Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer. --- Rita Mae Brown Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. --- Socratex
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
Thanks to Eric for sendng this picture: This restaraunt owner in China used an online translation site to translate the name of his shop for the Olympics.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Teah Limitone, 22, of Seminole, Florida Nude passenger leads to five-car crash SEMINOLE, Fla. (UPI) -- Authorities in Seminole, Fla., said a five-car wreck was caused by a motorist who was distracted by a naked woman changing clothes in her back seat. Pinellas County sheriff's deputies said Teah Limitone, 22, was traveling north in the middle lane of Seminole Boulevard when she heard her changing passenger, Ayla Gabriel, make a distressed-sounding noise, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported. The deputies said Limitone turned her head to see if Gabriel was alright and ran a red light while she was not looking at the nude Ayla instead of the road. Limitone's 2003 Acura struck a 2000 Saturn in the intersection before sliding between two cars in the southbound lanes and striking a fourth vehicle. Deputies said Limitone was issued a citation for running a red light after the July 21 incident. No serious injuries were reported.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, Preparing for a religious wedding Meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition For men to dance with men, and Women to dance with women at the reception. But we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world. "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, To have children!" "What about different positions?" Asks the man "No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!" "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! Another mitzvah!" "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets With a bottle of hot oil, A couple of vibrators, A leather harness, A bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" "Can we do it standing up?" "No." says the rabbi." "Why not?" asks the man. "Could lead to dancing!"
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: antivirus 2009 If you get a PopUp that mentions antivirus 2009, don't click Yes, and don't click No. Close it, shut down or pull the plug. But don't click anywhere in that pop-up. It is ransom ware, they demand money to get rid of it. Dianne Dear Dianne antivirus2009 is a clone of antivirus2008 and just as difficult to remove, if you don't have top tier protection. The least painful removal is with Anti-Malware from Malwarebytes Have FUN! DearWebby

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school. "There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal. "But the other brother studied hard and became a successful, knowledgeable lawyer. "Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who both started out in the same place?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shopping for Back To School Supplies Take stock of what school supplies you already have, check that against the list provided by the school. Most schools now post their school supply lists online and at office supply stores. You can find great deals on school supplies after school starts when stores mark down their leftover stock. Visit ThriftyFun for more Back To School Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Back%20To%20School_2.html Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?" "I'm married," she answered. With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends." "Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old cars and trucks
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Fake IE7 nudge 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 9, 2008

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. --- Herm Albright
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club. "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive." "Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
Thanks to Bernie for sendng this picture of a hot squirrel:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 26 teen cheerleaders in Texas 26 teen cheerleaders rescued from elevator How many cheerleaders can cram into an elevator? Apparently not 26. A group of teenage girls attending a cheerleading camp on the University of Texas got stuck and had to be rescued after trying to squeeze into an elevator at a residence hall Tuesday night. One girl fainted and was treated at a hospital and released. Two others were treated at the scene. The elevator doors refused to open after the pack of 14- to 17-year-olds descended from the fourth to the first floor, police said. Responding to a few panicked cell phone calls from the group, police and firefighters summoned an elevator repairman, who spent about 25 minutes extricating them. Campus officials weren't amused. "It's dangerous, actually," said a school police spokeswoman, Rhonda Weldon. "They're lucky that that's all that happened."
Little Johnny had bought Grandma a book for her birthday and wanted to write a suitable inscription. He racked his brain until suddenly he remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud, so Johnny decided to copy it. You can imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her book, a Bible, and found neatly inscribed the following phrase: "To Grandma, with the compliments of the author."
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Microsoft Re: IE7 latest version I had a good laugh today. Emails from from "admin@microsoft.com", not asking me to stop pointing out Vista problems, but inviting me to download the latest version of IE7 ! DUH! I use and recommend the IE7 BLOCKER. Why would I want to download the latest version of a program that I am blocking? MailWasher flagged them as spam, but the sender name caught my eye. Closer inspection revealed that the sender address was From: "admin@microsoft.com" That was what had triggered MailWasher. The download link didn't go to Microsoft either. It went to dariocondes.iespana.es/images/update.exe The site appears to be a juvenile dating site, that allows members to upload their images, or vicious trojans. They are too dumb to restrict uploads to JPG or GIF. If you see ANY solicitation to update or upgrade, dump it. When you do want an update, use a fresh browser window and go straight to the vendor's site by typing it into the address bar. Don't jump there from a link. Have FUN! DearWebby

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." "Was he successful?" "Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood Tips: Hardwood Burns Longers When getting firewood, remember hardwood will burn twice as long as softwood. So just because a cord of softwood might be cheaper doesn't mean you are getting a good deal. Examples of softwood: Pine, Fir, Cedar. Examples of hardwood: Oak, Ash, Madrona. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips For Your Fireplace Or Stove http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_586.html Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band. "I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me." I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said. "Why not?" Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old cars and trucks
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: CrapCleaner and passwords 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 8, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them. --- Emile Chartier
Thanks to Dianne for bringing back this classic: As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her leather skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Thanks to Marie for sendng this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jomo Sexton, 34 of Salinas, California Car thief turned in car jacker SALINAS, Calif. (UPI) -- Police said a Salinas, Calif., man stole a Chevy pickup truck only hours before the vehicle was taken from him at gunpoint. Police Cmdr. Kelly McMillin said Edward Bishop, 33, complained to police that after he stole the Chevrolet Silverado truck at about 1 a.m. Saturday, that later that day, another man, -- identified by police as Jomo Sexton, 34 -- entered the truck and pointed a gun at him. He told police Sexton made him drive around Salinas. When the truck ran out of gas, Jomo told Bishop to push the truck, at which point Bishop said he escaped and phoned police. Bishop was arrested on suspicion of vehicle theft and booked into the Monterey County Jail. Jomo Sexton was taken to a hospital for treatment after crashing the stolen truck into a flag pole in front of Salinas Fire Station II the next day, and was then released into police custody. He was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping, carjacking, reckless driving, driving under the influence, unlicensed driving, hit and run and violating his parole. "You couldn't make up something stranger than this," McMillin said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A woman with a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist,"the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk." "Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: CrapCleaner and passwords Webby, I notice when I use Crap Cleaner, it wipes out all the passwords I have used before. Will it do that to Robo Form too if I download it? Carolyn Dear Carolyn You can check and uncheck a whole bunch of stuff in CrapCleaner. If you have a checkmark on Cookies, then of course all those passwords, that are held in cookies, are dumped. I don't use a checkmark on cookies. CrapCleaner does not interfere or mess with RoboForm at all. Roboform stores it's stuff securely encrypted in a special place, not in cookies. Have FUN! DearWebby

Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Moving Check List Large markers to mark boxes. Free boxes from home improvement stores, liquor stores and grocery stores. A moving dolly. Moving blankets or old blankets for padding. Packing tape. Twine, rope or clothesline. Newspaper, newsprint, boxes and large plastic bags for packing items. Visit ThriftyFun For More Moving Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Organizing_Mo ... 9_693.html Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old cars and trucks
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: How do I send pictures? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 7, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. --- Ellen Glasgow
A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in on the Jewish high holidays. He said, "Look, I have to give an emergency message to a doctor friend in there." The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket." The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, I'll give the doctor the message and then I'll be right out." "All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."
Swift Current Creek Glacier National Park
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to US organized labor, all the big unions in the US. Sent in by Jolie US Organized Labor too chicken to defend Labor Day When a noisy Islam minority at Tyson foods in Shelbyville, Tennessee wanted a paid Muslim holiday in exchange for Labor Day, Tyson agreed. They didn't give up MLK day, or President's day, but LABOR day, the day legislated in the 1880s to honor ALL workers! And what did organized labor, all the big unions, do about having THEIR day trashed and replaced by a Muslim holiday? Apparently it wouldn't be demoohcratic and might upset Obama, if the big unions made a ruckus defending their day. So they meekly chickened out and pretended it did not happen. Independence day is next. http://www.onenewsnow.com/Business/Defa ... ?id=204060 If Labor Day is taken away from you in your town, you are most welcome to come to Canada and celebrate Labor Day here. On Labor Day.
"And will there be anything else, Ma'am?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No, thank you," the lady replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed silk pajamas on the chair by the bed. "Anything for your husband?" he asked. "Nah," the lady said. "I'll pick up a postcard for him in the morning."
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Daaaaaaaamn!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joanne Re: Sending pictures Dear Webby, How does one go about sending a picture for your consideration? Sincerely, Joanne Dear Joanne Just hit REPLY on the Humor Letter, delete most of it, since I already know what I wrote, write on top what you want to tell me, and attach the pictures. Have FUN! DearWebby

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she steered the boat to shore and docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Squirt Bottles Water fights can be a lot of fun in the summer time. Squirt bottles and spray bottles for dish soap or hand soap that are thoroughly cleaned can make great water guns for small children. Fill up some water balloons as well and let the games begin. Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After 4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't waste your time with the one in the second column. It's me."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Museum of Flight
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Fake Flash Player update nudge 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 6, 2008

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway. --- Evan Esar,
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?" The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today ?" The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Virginia DMV and Geralynn Banks Government con-artists? PORTSMOUTH, Va. (UPI) -- A Portsmouth, Va., woman said she is being sued by the state for $75,000 after she backed into another car during a Department of Motor Vehicles road test. Antoinette Bowser said she learned recently -- two years after the failed road test -- that the state expects her to pay the fine to cover the medical expenses and lost wages of the DMV employee administering the test, The (Norfolk, Va.) Virginian-Pilot reported. The state's lawsuit claims Bowser hit the car with such "force and violence" that the employee, Geralynn Banks, suffered "great pain of body and mind." However, Bowser said she recalls the accident as a minor fender-bender. "I know I walked away. And I know she walked away," she told the newspaper. Bowser, who has yet to get her driver's license, said she doesn't know how she could afford to pay the fine. "I don't have $75,000 laying around," Bowser said to The Virginian-Pilot. Copyright 2008 by United Press International ------------ Normally instructors and testers are responsible for the actions and results of their clients, and their insurance covers it all. Personally, when I see "great pain of body and mind." due to a minor fender bender, my BS detector beeps.
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize." As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
Thanks to Bri for this one: My boyfriend and I were at my son's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest. I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game." He said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play volleyball...."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Express Empress Re: Fake Flash Player update Is this scary stuff about fake Flash player updates real, or just scaremongering? http://snipurl.com/3bhc9 Cheers EE Dear EE It is real, though not very common in NorthAmerica yet. So far it seems to be confined mostly to Europe. If some site tells you that you need to update your flash player to see what they got, don't click on anything, just get out of there fast, before you get skunked with trojans and back-doors. If you think your Flash player needs to be updated or upgraded, close all browser windows, open a new one and go straight to http://adobe.com, click on Downloads and select Flash Player. The same advice of course also goes for update nudges for other programs, like Media Player. Always go to the real and legitimate source. Have FUN! DearWebby

A farmer called my veterinary office and asked me to make a house call. Because the road was closed, he parked his ancient pickup in a field for me to drive the rest of the way. But once behind the wheel, I realized the brakes didn't work. The truck sped toward the stable, across the farmyard, into the barn, and embedded itself in a gigantic haystack. Sweating, I climbed out and apologized. "Don't worry," the farmer said to me. "That's how I stop the truck too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Camping Bowl An empty plastic soda bottle, cut off to a convenient height, will work as a camp bowl. You may want to sandpaper the cut to smooth the edge. Then you can just toss it when you return home. Visit ThriftyFun For More Recreation Tips by clicking here. http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recreation_1808.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Pilobolus
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Mouse problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 5, 2008

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it. --- Malcolm Forbes
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
Thanks to Dad for this picture: This one bloomed today
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Minneapolis, MN police chief Sent in by Judy Rewards for raiding wrong house Here is another example of "police doing wrong" and being rewarded for it. Last Dec. an informant gave the wrong address to the Minneapolis police department. If they had looked up the address in the reverse phone directory they would have found that the last name of the owner of the house was not who they were looking for, or even the correct race, but they broke into the house any way. The owner thought it was a burglar so he fired his gun, the police returned the fire. The police department had a ceremony for the police involved and gave each a reward for their botched entry. Nobody has been disciplined for not checking the address and raiding the wrong house. http://wcco.com/iteam/swat.team.honored.2.783216.html
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when ! the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Express Empress Re: Mouse problem Good Morning Dear Webby, this is the Express Empress. Yesterday MailWasher Pro advised me that it had processed more than 15,000 emails in two weeks. Then my mouse went manic. This is what I get... http://www.flamingcursor.com/ Please advise Cheers EE Dear EE Be careful not to set your mail on fire! Have FUN! DearWebby

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" she asked. Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Flip Your Mattress Get into the habit of flipping and rotating your mattress once a month. This will prevent one side from being worn down more than another. Futon mattresses should also be folded, flipped and rotated regularly. Note, some mattresses aren't designed to be flipped, but can still be rotated. Visit ThriftyFun for more Frugal Living Tips http://www.thriftyfun.com Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Our business professor was lecturing about different ways to bill customers. He asked, "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?" One student piped up, "Tuition!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Letrero
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: PC Tips 



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Good Morning,  !
It'sMonday,  August 4, 2008

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --- Albert Einstein
Michele is working in a music store. This guy is looking for a disc by Steve Earl. He's looking in the "S" section. Michelle informs him that all artists are filed by their last name so he should look under "E". The man immediately becomes incensed and says, "Then why the HELL is Joe Jackson filed under '*J*'?"
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Patrick Pogan of the New York Police Department Rookie cop gave dubious account of his bicyclist assault http://snipurl.com/3abr8 JULY 29--You may have seen that YouTube video of the New York cop viciously knocking down a bicyclist in Times Square last week. Officer Patrick Pogan's blindside hit on Christopher Long led NYPD brass yesterday to strip the rookie cop of his gun and badge pending a department probe. That review will surely focus on the 22-year-old Pogan's sworn account of the takedown, which led to Manhattan prosecutors filing three misdemeanor charges against the 29-year-old Long, who was participating in a monthly bike ride organized by transportation activists. n the Criminal Court complaint filed against Long (who spent 26 hours in jail after his arrest Friday night), Pogan offered a fantastical version of the incident. Pogan claimed that Long drove his bicycle directly into him, knocking the cop to the ground and causing "lacerations on deponent's forearm." The video, of course, shows Pogan delivering a blow that would have made former Oakland Raider Jack Tatum proud. The trumped up charges are at "The Smoking Gun": http://snipurl.com/3abyk [www_thesmokinggun_com]
While down south on a visit, the young Yankee made a date with a local lovely. When he called for her, she was clad in a low-cut, tight-fitting, long dress. He remarked, "That's certainly a beautiful dress." "Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly. "It sure does," he replied.
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist. The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens. Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says "oh boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Janet Re: Not printing all letters Dear Webby, Every day we see an email from someone with a problem and your helpful reply. For those who are new to Dear Webby, I'd like to say that I have been receiving my daily dose of laughter and great links and assistance from the 90's. And each time I have had a problem and written in, Dear Webby has helped me find a solution, even though my email was not printed in the newsletter. I know that I can trust the references, hints, and tips found in the newsletter. And I look forward to receiving it every day. I have it delivered to my gmail account also, so that when yahoo goes woooy I can be sure to get it. Thanks Webby, and keep up the great work. Janet Dear Janet Thanks for the kudos! I get a lot of mail and a lot of help requests. It would be impossible to print all. Usually I try to select one that is representative of the most. Here is a helpful hint from Kate: To Help the Vickster, I have found that: http://pcpitstop.com/ is a wonderful place to test your PC, and get advice step by step to fix any wrongs including viruses. I know Ive been helped many time without much stress. The forum is at: http://forums.pcpitstop.com/ and there are areas that deal directly with virus issues/if any. Kate Have FUN! DearWebby

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Movie Rewards Cards If you go to the movies often, check if they have a Movie Rewards program. You get points every time you purchase tickets and when you get enough points, you get something free like popcorn, a drink or a free movie ticket. Visit ThriftyFun for more Frugal Entertainment Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Entertainment_2431.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer puzzled asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Military Humor at it's Best
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: How to recognize an infection 



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Good Morning,  !
It'sSunday,  August 3, 2008

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. --- Barry LePatner Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. -- Jane Wagner “Obama was in Germany [last week], and a lot of people showed up. There was so many Germans shouting and screaming insults and obscenities, that France surrendered again.”
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." Pat says, "But, I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
Thanks to Marie for sending this picture: Ooops! The dog is going to get yelled at.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Best Solicitors law firm in Sheffield, England Divorce letter was mistake A happily married couple were stunned to receive a lawyer's letter saying their divorce had been finalised. John Kitteridge, 65, and wife Joan have been married for 36 years, reports the Sheffield Star. Joan, 59, who burst into tears when she read the letter said: "I couldn't believe what I was reading. I knew deep down it couldn't be true but it was still such a shock. "We've had our ups and downs like any couple! But we'd never get divorced." Security guard John had been working nights and was in bed when the post arrived. He said: "If it had been an old lady or an elderly man who had received it, they could have suffered a heart attack. How does a mistake like that even happen? "We dealt with the same solicitors three years ago on an unrelated legal matter, but everything should be on computers these days so it must have shown up that we weren't getting a divorce." Sheffield-based Best Solicitors apologised and said the mistake had been made after a standard template letter was sent to the Kitteridges. They said details inside the letter, referring to divorce, should have been changed but had been missed.
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he had hit a cow on the road the night before, and needed to buy one to replace it, and that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his cow as follows: Basic cow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 499.95 Shipping and handling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35.75 Extra stomach . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79.25 Two tone exterior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142.10 Produce storage compartment . . . . . . . . . . . . 126.50 Heavy duty straw chopper . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189.60 Four spigot/high output, milk system . . . . . . . 149.20 Automatic fly swatter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88.50 Genuine cowhide upholstery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179.90 Deluxe dual horns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59.25 Automatic fertilizer attachment . . . . . . . . . 339.40 4 x 4 traction drive assembly . . . . . . . . . . . 884.16 Pre delivery wash and comb . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69.80 FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: . . 2,843.36 Additional dealer adjustments: . . . . . . . . . . 300.00 TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including installed options): $3143.36
Deciding to take up jogging, James was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's for cab fare home, when you've jogged too far."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Vickster Re: How to tell that your computer is infected Dear Webby, Sorry to be a pest here with my 76 yr old gray cells! It's a subject that's come up before by other readers and I've wondered, but never asked. Regarding today's "Tech Pits" item: how in the world does one determine they have been infected with something (let alone know what it is!) if none of their programs can detect it?! Vickster Dear Vickster If you have unexpected pop-ups or slow-downs, and see weird stuff in the Task Manager (CTRL ALT DEL), then you check what that weird stuff is about. It would probably be a good idea if you had a look at your task manager, and maybe even print it out. That way you can compare it if you suspect a problem. Have FUN! DearWebby

Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs." One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But...how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Rolling Existing Car Loans Into a New Car Purchase Don't buy a new car if you haven't paid off your old one, unless you have equity accumulated. Dealers roll the existing loan into the new car financing, owing more than the car is worth. This is a bad situation for the borrower but a good one for the dealer. Visit ThriftyFun for moreCar Buying Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Cars_Buying%2 ... 6_130.html Visit ThriftyFun for more Christmas Budget Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/search.ldml?q ... act=Search Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. "Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?" "Only a little," she answered. "How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied....

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Glass Bottles in the Making
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Dear Webby: How do I Remove Antispywaremaster? 



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Good Morning,  !
It'sSaturday,  August 2, 2008

The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology. --- Red Auerbach
A modern mother is explaining to her little girl about pic- tures in the family photo album. "This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo. The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, she's the family genealogist who draws those trees with the family branches."
Thanks to Joe for this picture: Fair time in Colorado
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 25 year old woman in New York Too dumb to dress herself New York - Metro New York When a 25-year-old Manhattan graduate student who was assaulted Tuesday night got dressed that morning, she probably didn't anticipate that her T-shirt would provoke four teens into shoving her, pulling out her earphones and spitting in her face. Then again, with a shirt sporting the slogan, "Obama is my slave," it may have been wise to consider the possibility. Now she's suing the $69 shirt's "designer" for "all he's got," the designer claims. But the Israeli-born "designer" says what allegedly happened to his now-disgruntled customer isn't his fault and that his outrageous design reflects not his views but those of "ordinary WASPs." "For a lot of people, when they see Obama, they see a slave. People think America is not ready for a black president," the "designer", a recent immigrant from Israel, said. The "designer" claims that after the customer threatened to sue, he contacted his own lawyer, who assured him he was shielded by the First Amendment from any legal action. The ugly incident over the ugly shirt took place at 8:30 p.m. in Union Square when four African-American female teenagers accosted the student, cursed at her for her shirt and pushed her. The student walked away, but the girls followed her, one pulling the earphones out of her ears, another spitting in her face. ----------- Personally, I think the t-shirt printer should get a bonehead award too, for his extremely immature and stooopid comments. I don't know ANY Americans who associate black color with slavery these days. Menthol cigarettes, different fashion sense, different music, yes, but slavery does never come into conversation or consideration. I guess I am associating with totally different people than that Manhattan t-shirt printer.
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine. "All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong." The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear. When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shelley Re: Antispywaremaster I have apparently been infected with a bug called antispyware master. Spybot doesn't see it, neither does my antivirus. I looked it up and it seems to be one of the most common, and one of the worst to get rid of because it changes. Do you, O sage, know how I got this, and how to get rid of it? I am very careful about my surfing! Thank you for everything, especially being someone we can ask and expect straight answers from. Have a great day! Shelley Dear Shelly From what I could find, it comes bundled with some stuff that you or your hubby agreed to get, without reading the small print. http://www.superantispyware.com/ supposedly removes it. Manual removal instructions are at http://www.windowsvistaplace.com/antisp ... re-removal Have FUN! DearWebby

A son comes home from the Army. After a few hours, he finally gets to talk to his father alone behind the barn. "So, son, what did the Army teach you?" asked the father. "Well, they taught me how to kill people," said the son. "With what?" asked father. "We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my favorite was the grenade," said the son. "What's a grenade?" asked the father. "Well, I brought one home to show you. You just pull this pin out and throw it as far as you can," said the son. The son proceeded to give a demonstration. Lo and behold, the son throws the grenade behind the outhouse. KABOOM!!! The outhouse is demolished. All the lumber and everything else lands in a heap in the yard. Grandpa sticks his head out of the pile and says, "Whew, glad I didn't let that one loose in the house!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080801@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving For Christmas Don't be caught off guard by Christmas expenses. Start saving now and you can limit the stress that Christmas puts on your financial well being. When it comes time to buy presents and throw parties, stay within your budget and give your credit cards a break. Visit ThriftyFun for more Christmas Budget Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/search.ldml?q ... act=Search Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors could not determine the cause of the problem and didn't give him long to live. So, he decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." The clerk shook his head and said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you, if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Mother Earth - NAKED
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Page Numbering in Open Office 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 1, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. --- Woody Allen It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. --- William G. McAdoo
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Thanks to Myrea fom fairiesworld, for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Edward Zajac, Swinoujscie, Poland Nudist Germans looking too god for Polish Voyeurs German nudists have been told to cover up on a beach after the removal of border fences with Poland. The view of nature lovers - which has so upset Polish politicians on the Baltic coast that they're accusing the Germans of being "perverts" - only came to light because of new EU rules. But German holiday-makers say their neighbours are only getting an eyeful because they use binoculars. Polish councillor Edward Zajac from the Swinoujscie region on Poland's north west coastal border says the sight of naked Germans on the nearby beach is offensive and that "undressing is a perversion". But now German nudists have torn their neighbours off a strip for kinky voyeurism. "This is a beach for nudists," said German tourist Elke Bernhol. "It's terrible the way Poles come over fully clothed and stare." "We feel like monkeys in a zoo," said another, Ines Muller. "Poles come with binoculars, gape at us and swear." The nude beach had been hidden for decades but became visible when Poland joined the EU's Schengen agreement on a borderless Europe last December and took down border fences that had blocked views onto the beach.
Police Quotes "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, right?" "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket, just like this one." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?" "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. The teacher shook her head and said, "You don't know your arithmetic, do you, Johnny?" Little Johnny shook his head, too, "You don't know my father."
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Walter Re: Page Numbering in Open Office Hi Dear Webby, I am once more looking for your invaluable help. In today's HL you mention Open Office. I just downloaded it and can't figure out how to insert page numbers in the lower right hand corner of documents. Thank you once again, Walter Dear Walter ALT I R (Insert, FooteR) makes a footer. If it is not already there, put the cursor into the footer Type "Page "and a space, without the quotes, of course. ALT I D P (Insert, FielD, Page Number) Type "of "and a space ALT I D C (Insert, FielD, pageCount) CTRL A (Select All) CTRL R (Shove all the footer stuff over to the right side) The result will be: Page 1 of 7 You can of course format the font and size, add date, time, title, etc. The main difference is that you hit ALT I R first to deliberately make a footer. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor, who gave him a monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly. Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby. When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?" "We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reducing Weight of Large Flowerpots When filling huge flowerpots, reduce the weight and the amount of soil you need by filling the bottom with recycled styrofoam peanuts or even chunks of styrofoam. I get pieces when I need them from the dumpster behind a furniture and accessories store. Visit ThriftyFun for more Creative Planter Tips by clicking here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gardening_Cre ... 7_509.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her breasts, points it at the shrink, and says "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Spearville Wind Farm
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby, is Open Office better? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 31, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. --- C. S. Lewis No one gossips about other people's secret virtues. --- Bertrand Russell
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor."
Thanks to Walter, the stonecarver, for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Villagers of Lunt, England Lunt villagers can't cope with graffiti A campaign has been launched in the historic village of Lunt to change its name because vandals keep defacing road signs. The not-so-witty pranksters constantly change the village's name to an extremely rude swear word, reports the Daily Telegraph. However, the proposal is dividing villagers in the Merseyside community who say they should not have to give up a name that has been around since the 13th century. Martyn Ball, a retired police officer and prospective Conservative councillor, is urging residents to support the move because he is fed up with the graffiti which greets visitors to the village. He said: "We are all painfully aware of the repeated times our village sign is defaced by mindless yobs who change the L to a C. "Drive in every day and you see a very offensive word." Dr Ball has suggested Launt as an alternative name, which he says would be pronounced the same. However, others in the village say the vandals should not be allowed to ruin their heritage. Steward Dobson, 84, a parish councillor, said: "This village is very, very old and people don't want the name changed." David Roughley, whose family has farmed in Lunt since 1851, added: "At the end of the day we live in Lunt and we don't want to change because of a few yobs. It is the vandals who should change, not the village." ------------ Cameras, proximity detector activated dye packs, motion detector activated water sprayers, or even something as simple as a trip-wire activated water pistol filled with dye and skunk oil has not occurred to the simple folks there.
Two husbands, Greg and Paul, were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Greg said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word." "Wow!" said Paul, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Greg. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"
Farmer: On a typical day I have to get up at six in the morning, then I work for five hours, then I take out a few minutes for lunch, then I work another five hours... City Man: With all that work, what do you grow? Farmer: Tired.
Still available! Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Susan Re: Is Open Office OK for business? Dear Webby I tried to get my brother's old Microsoft Office after he left college, to use in my business. He told me to use Open Office, and that MS Office was only used in college "because the shiny shoes get bribed and/or were scared of having to learn someting new." He said Open Office was not only free, but actually better than MS Office. Is that true? Susan Dear Susan Yes, that is indeed true. Open Office has more features that are appreciated daily in the business world, for example saving invoices or quotes or flyers as PDF files, and it can save files not only in the Open Standard format, but even in Word perfect or Microsoft format. If both cost the same, I would buy Open Office. Since Open Office is free, and always will be, the choice is quite clear. Have FUN! DearWebby

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Visit ThriftyFun For More Health Advice By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Health%20& ... _1228.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?" "I'm 98," the man announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: National Naval Aviation Museum
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Yahoos 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 30, 2008

People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news. --- A. J. Liebling
For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her parish priest to tell him, "Father, I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church." "Yes, yes, my child," replied Father Francis McCrady, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you." "Oh yes, Father, he has kept me safe thus far, only....." "Only what, my child?" "Well, Father, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!" "Well, now," said the priest, "Perhaps it's time to check out Father Lawrence Greider's parish over on the other side of town."
Thanks to Marie for sending thispicture: Near Bittinger, Colorado
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bakimci, from Syria Truck driver's sat nav gaffe A Syrian lorry driver taking luxury cars from Turkey to Gibraltar was sent on a 1,600 mile detour to Skegness, England by his sat nav. Birdwatchers at Skegness's Gibraltar Point looked on in astonishment as Necdet Bakimci tried to steer his 32-tonne lorry down a narrow lane towards the North Sea. When questioned by onlookers, he explained in broken English that he was looking for Coral Road on Gibraltar, reports the Daily Telegraph. It is thought that the confusion arose because his device had the Rock listed as UK territory and so directed him towards England. Steven Humphreys, 57, of Burgh le Marsh, Lincs, said: "He showed me his delivery docket. I had my laptop and found the place on Gibraltar. Amazingly, the guy didn't seem too upset." Eventually, Mr Bakimci arranged for his firm in Antakya, Turkey, to ship the cars to the correct destination from Birmingham and began his journey home. ------------ Skegness is about a third of the way up England's East coast.
Thanks to all the people who identified Deeli's bird as a Black-crowned Night Heron. It seems the Night Heron is totally different from the long necked and long legged white and blue Herons.
One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" The driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?" "Well, my mother might be coming the other way!" The driver said.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: martha Re: Yahoo mail As you can readily see in regards to the e-mail below, for some odd reason the only part of the e-mail that is readable is the advertisements. What happened to the actual content of humor at webby.com. Please advise, thank you. Dear Martha Yahoo figures that is good enough for the silly yahoos who don't want to get real email. The content is there, and when you hit Reply, you will see it. If you don't, Yahoo hides it from you and makes you look silly. There is nothing I can do about Yahoo messing with you. When you are ready to get standard and proper email, I'll gladly send you a referral to gmail. Have FUN! DearWebby

A beautiful young woman went into the hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes. While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her. By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and asked the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when is this bloody operation going to start?" "We haven't got a clue," came the reply, "we're just the painters."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Firewood Tips: Find Dry (Seasoned) Wood It takes 8 to 12 months to dry (season) wood for burning so unless you have wood on hand already, you will want to purchase dry wood. Dry wood burns longer, cleaner and produces greater heat. Unseasoned wood creates a potentially dangerous creosote buildup in your chimney. Visit ThriftyFun For More Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com If you dry the wood in your yard, pile it onto plastic sewer pipe runners. That not only blocks most of the creepy-crawlies, but it speeds up the drying quite dramatically. The electrical and moisture insulation somehow makes a huge difference. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thaks to Lilly for this one: Being a newspaper photographer, my husband would often get home late with the excuse "I had to shoot a car wreck," or "I had to shoot a football game." Once, some unexpected company dropped by and asked how late my husband would be. "I don't know," I replied, not intending to shock them. "He has to shoot the governor."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Oil Sands Discovery Center
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Custom weather links 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 29, 2008

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. --- Benjamin Franklin To be great is to be misunderstood. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the @#$% up!!!" The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room: "Good Night, Sergeant"
Thanks to Toni from freedomfromwork.com for this picture of a frog cooling on off on her air conditioner. Toni lives in the hot part of Florida
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bonita Springs, Floriduh police Sent in by Deeli Pettiest waste of taxpayers money BONITA SPRINGS, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man is facing criminal charges after he was arrested for allegedly stealing 42 cents from a water fountain in a shopping center, police said. Laslo Mujzer, 43, of Bonita Springs, Fla., was taken into police custody and charged with petty theft after a shopper at the Coastland Center mall reported him Monday for allegedly taking change from an outdoor fountain, police said. Mujzer was held until police arrived at took him to the Collier County jail, where he was held on a $500 bond, police records indicate. Naples police Capt. John Adams told the Naples (Fla.) News the money in the fountain was intended for the Habitat for Humanity of Collier County. "He shouldn't be taking change out of the mall fountain. It's not found money. It's money that's destined for charity," Adams said. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Deeli sent me a picture of a red eyed bird, hoping that one of you can identify it.
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thomas Re: Weather Link Webby, You ask a question on the left side of your email, What links would you like to see here. Would it be possible to have the current weather come up for every subscriber, no matter what there location. I'm thinking that once the subscribers zip code was entered it would be no problem. Thomas Dear Thomas I have not found any weather site that will work in all areas where subscribers live. Just go to your favorite weather site, set your preferences, refresh, then the drag the little icon from the left of the address bar onto an empty spot on your desktop. When you hit that icon, it will bring up your weather with all your preferences, just like you had them. Have FUN! DearWebby

One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard about my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all you morons banging your metal spoons against metal pots, I'll go nuts!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Auto Cool Review Auto Cool is a solar powered fan that has been heavily marketed on TV throughout the summer. They advertise that it keep your car cool when it is parked in the hot sun. The problem is, it doesn't work. Many reviewers of this product actually state it makes your car hotter. Don't throw your money away. To See Auto Cool Reviews On ThriftyFun, click here http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf61299237.tip.html For passive shielding get some cheap space blankets from a camping store or off the web for about $2.50 a piece. Here is a link to one of countless sources: http://snipurl.com/36x82 Google for a local source to avoid shipping charges. It is a reflective blanket about 5' x 7' and weighs 2 ounces. It reflects ALL of the sun if you use it as a fly and not quite touching the car. I have used them since the 60's and they are indeed amazing. Don't poke holes into them and don't put grommets into them. Stick some duck tape onto the corners so that it sticks out, and put gromets into those duck tape ears. Then you can secure it with thin, lightweight bungee cords. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Extreme Pets: The fishing cat
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Why Google's gmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 28, 2008

They always talk who never think. --- Matthew Prior No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets. --- Edward Abbey
Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wondered sometimes if you'd be that concerned about me" "Honey," she answered, hefting the frying pan, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Caribou at Prudhoe Bay are in favor of drilling.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Birgit Mahler, 33, of Sonthofen, germany Shoplifter left daughter behind A German shoplifter who ran off with expensive cosmetics was caught after leaving her six-year-old daugher behind. Birgit Mahler, 33, stuffed the cosmetics worth $160 in her handbag and left the shop in the German city of Sonthofen without paying. But a security tag set off an alarm, and as soon as she heard it, Mahler ran off down the road before staff could react. A police spokesman said: "She showed staff a clean pair of heels, but she forgot about her six-year-old daughter who was left standing alone wondering where her mother had gone." Store staff called police and they collected the child together with a social worker. The spokesman added: "The girl's father turned up to report the child missing and seemed genuinely surprised to hear how his daughter had been lost. "We took down the details of the mother and have arranged to interview her over the incident." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_29 ... rangecrime
From Mary: Dear Webby, do you remember that joke about a drunk beating up a ghost? I need it, can you please run it again? Thanks Mary Sure, Mary! A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?" And the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: Yahoo mail problems Hi Webby, I have the same problem as Brian (7/27/08 tech support question), which happened just a couple weeks ago. The page I receive is blank. I have to click your link in the left column to get your humor letter. Could you also send me a referral to gmail? What is gmail? I love your humor letter. Thank you for all your hard work in putting it together for us to enjoy. Thank you and have a happy day, Renee Dear Renee Gmail (Google Mail) is mail run by Google, instead of by the the silly yahoos (Yuppie Artsy Hebrew Oddball Opportunists). Like everything at Google, gmail works reliably and predictably. You can use gmail as WebMail, or you can use it with professional POP email programs like Eudora, Pegasus, or semi-professional POP programs like Outlook, Outlook Express, etc. You can continue to use Yahoo for cybersex, groups or whatever you use it for. You will just have a new and additional email address, and a mail system that works reliably and predictably. Have FUN! DearWebby

Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated. After a while, Todd said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey." Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Supermarket Mistakes Watch the display screen at the register as your groceries are being rung up. If you are overcharged, speak up. Before you leave the store, double check the receipt and make sure that the prices were correct. If you catch the mistake before you leave the store, you can quickly get a remedy at the service desk. Visit ThriftyFun For Grocery Shopping Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joe was delivering a load of manure to the convent and remarked to the friar about the beautiful roses they had. The friar told him that there would be a lot more and bigger roses, but that they were suffering from "Black Death". Joe had never heard of that and asked what this "Black Death" was all about. "Nuns with scissors," the friar replied.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: What's The State of Your Air Bay of Fundy
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Yahoo email problems 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 27, 2008

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand. --- Frank Herbert Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse. --- Miguel de Cervantes
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.."
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Keith Walendowski , 57, of Milwaukee Sent in By Eric and also by Ross Man charged with shooting lawn mower From the Milwaukee Journal-Standard FRIDAY, July 25, 2008, 11:49 a.m. Keith Walendowski is charged with shooting a lawn mower. A 57-year-old south side man, who might have been struggling with a hangover, is charged today with shooting his lawn mower with a sawed-off shotgun. "I'll tell you the truth," a criminal complaint quotes an apparently inebriated Keith Walendowski. "I got pissed because my lawn mower wouldn't start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. "I can do that. It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want," Walendowski told police. Ignorance of the law, however, is not a legal defense. Walendowski is charged with a felony count of possessing a short-barreled shotgun and a misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct while armed. If convicted of both charges, he faces up to six years and nine months in prison. The shooting occurred Wednesday at a home Walendowski shares with his mother in the 3500 block of S. Austin St. According to the complaint, Walendowski had been drinking all morning. Around 9:30 a.m., he attempted to start his 21-inch Lawn-Boy - unsuccessfully. After shooting the mower, he went in his basement, where he was arrested after "a woman in the house" called police, the complaint says. Police recovered the shotgun, shells, a handgun, rounds for the handgun and a stun gun. Dick Wagner of Wagner's Garden Mart, 6075 N. Green Bay Ave., said shooting the mower didn't help Walendowski's odds of getting it repaired. "Anything not factory recommended would void the warranty," he said. http://www.bakersfield.com/917/story/506658.html
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering?" A 90 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
In case you missed the link yesterday: Step By Step PC Tune-Up From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brian Re: Yahoo mail problems Dear Webby It just happened recently. The page I received is blank, except for the ads on the left column. Please tell me how to fix it and continue to enjoy The everyday fun. Thank you, Brian. NB: When I reply to you, on this screen just beneath, I can see the jokes. It's blank when I open my inbox ! Dear Brian That's normal with the new Yahoo mail, and there is nothing I can do about their screw-up. Once you get gmail or any of the properly working email services, that problem will disappear. I'll send you a referral to gmail. It is free. Have FUN! DearWebby

Texan Emergency First Aid Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." The Texan ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she acknowledged that she couldn't swallow. Then, the Texan asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she motioned that she couldn't breathe. With that, the Texan yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked and humiliated that she screamed at him and brought up the piece of hamburger and began breathing on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hanging Craft Projects Put all the patterns and other supplies for a craft craft project in a plastic grocery bag with handles. Then slip each handle of the grocery bag over a clothes hanger and hang it a closet. You can cross the handles so the bag won't slip off the hanger. If the handles still have a tendency to slip, secure them with clothespins. Visit ThriftyFun For Craft Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Craft%20Tips_357.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?" "Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Canada's East Coast Bay of Fundy
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Computer tune-up e-book 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 26, 2008

Never spend your money before you have it. — Thomas Jefferson
Two Indian doctors were having an animated discussion. "I say it's spelt W-H-O-O-M," said one. "No, it is W-H-O-M-B," said the other. A nurse passing by said "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B." "Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves, besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."
China is preparing and practising security for the Olympics.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Rowing NewZealand News boat sinks at N.Z. Olympic photo op HAMILTON, New Zealand (UPI) -- New Zealand rowing officials said a news boat recording footage of the country's Olympic team sank, dropping its load of expensive equipment into the water. Rowing NZ spokesman Richard Gee said the photo op at Lake Karapiro went horribly wrong when the press boat, which was carrying seven journalists representing both newspapers and TV, began taking on water and sank, Stuff.co.nz reported Tuesday. Gee said the seven journalists and the boat's pilot were fished out of the water without injuries by the rowers, but hundreds of thousands of dollars in media equipment was lost to the lake. He said investigators do not yet know why the boat sank, as nothing previously appeared out of the ordinary and conditions were not adverse. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
Thanks to Lynn for this: I saw an ad in the newspaper advertising a bathing suit that would subtract thirty pounds. I figure if I order two of them I'll be just about beach ready!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Collection of tips Dear Webby I know others have asked you about an ebook collection of your tips. Are you ever going to get around to that? Dorothy Dear Dorothy On my last ebook, Ettiquette To Get Read, I made about 5 cents per hour. Those who bought it, liked it, but very few bought it. It seems most people on the list consider me as family, and if something is not free, they don't want it. So, writing a new ebook is not very high on my priority list. There is one available that has many of my tips in it, plus some extra ones. You can get it at Formula It is well written and in a very easy step by step illustrated format. You are never left guessing whether you are doing the right thing. I bought it for myself too, just to see if I am missing anything, and if you want to tune up and clean up your computer, or fix problems, I can highly recommend it. If you click that link, you'll see a ridiculously long sales page that would be more suitable for a $5,000 course. There is no useful information in that mile of sales talk. Just hit CTRL END to get to the bottom. It costs $14.97 and is well worth it. Print it out and after you have followed all the instructions, put it into the ziplock bag with warranty and set-up CDs and official papers for your machine. Yes, I know you were going to find a ziplok bag for all that stuff some day. Make today that day! Have FUN! DearWebby

A question on the patient's form at the doctor's office asked who to call in case of an emergency. I wrote: "call a better doctor".

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Soap Pest Spray Mix two tablespoons liquid Ivory soap and one gallon water. Use a spray bottle to apply to your plant's leaves. It will help eliminate aphids, cinch bugs, spider mites, and white flies. Visit ThriftyFun For Pest Control Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pest%20Control_705.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, Ted can't miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can't believe his eyes! After the round, Jim asks, "What has happened? You can't miss today." Ted says, "Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom." When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks "What happened to your pants?" "I'll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can't miss." "What about your pants?" "I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn't mine, so I put it away."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Land Slides
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Size of games on Vista 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 25, 2008


Today is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!


You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. --- Arlo Guthrie
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 27 year old Burnsville, MN fugitive. Sent in by Ramona MN officers chase burglary suspect to WI and back MINNEAPOLIS (AP) Authorities are looking for a man who led officers on a chase from Burnsville, to Wisconsin, to Minneapolis. Burnsville police detectives tried to arrest the 27-year-old man on suspicion of burglary. But the man fled and led Burnsville police north on Interstate 35E. The Minnesota State Patrol joined the chase, following the man to Wisconsin before he drove back to Minnesota and abandoned a stolen Dodge Durango near the University of Minnesota. Authorities tried to end the chase peacefully, and called the man on his cell phone. Burnsville investigators say the man answered the phone saying, ''Dude, I can't talk, I'm being chased by the police.'' (© 2008 The Associated Press. All Rights Reserved. In the interest of timeliness, this story is fed directly from the Associated Press newswire and may contain occasional typographical errors. )
An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer. "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks. The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Thelma Re: Game sizes on Vista Dear Webby is there any way to adjust the size of the display for the game (hoyle clasic game) this is loaded on a vista OS and a acer computer. thanks Thelma Dear Thelma I don't recommend or support Vista. For Vista support you have to contact Microsoft. Have FUN! DearWebby

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way John was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man. "You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Jon said. "Waiting for what?" asked Judi. "Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crockpot for Summer Cooking The summer is a great time to dust off your slow cooker and put it use. Crockpots work well for a variety of recipes: soup, stew, spaghetti, roasts, and more. Just search on your favorite website for crockpot recipes. If heat is a problem, just use it outside or in the garage. Visit ThriftyFun For Crockpot Recipes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Recipes_Crockpot_833_848.html On a hot, sunny day you can put a crock pot into a barbecue. Not lit, just warmed by the sun! If it is sheltered from the wind, it will get more than hot enough just from the sun. You may have to use small wedge to keep the lid from closing all the way. For windy locations you can throw some bubble-wrap over it. It won't melt, but it will increase the temperature inside the barbecue quite drastically. A barbecue on solar power also works well for slow brewing tea for ice tea. For best results use a wide 3 or 4 quart pyrex pot with a lid. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?" The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?" The kid said, "Yep." "Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled. The kid replied, "You have to cuss it." The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years." With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: See that Snail Go (Escargot)
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Restore Desktop 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 24, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red
to show your support for the troops!

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. --- Alfred E. Newman My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared. --- P. J. Plauger
Thanks to Dave for this story: The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage. However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
Thanks to Jim for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Laura-Leah Shaw of Ontario Woman pays $1,000 to rescue lobster SHEDIAC, New Brunswick (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she plans to release a giant lobster after she paid $1,000 to rescue the crustacean from a fish market. Laura-Leah Shaw purchased the 22-pound lobster, named Big Dee-Dee, from the Big Fish seafood market in Shediac, New Brunswick, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported. The report said two unnamed Ontario groups contributed $1,000 each to rescue the animal, which is thought to be 100 years old. Big Fish was auctioning Big Dee Dee for an opening price of $1,000, the report said. Denis Breau, owner of the fish market, said at least 1,000 people visited Big Fish to catch a glimpse of Big Dee Dee, who was caught in the beginning of July. Shaw said she would travel to the Maritimes region of eastern Canada Monday to let Big Dee Dee go into the wild, but officials said the lobster would need to undergo a health inspection before it is released, to check for diseases. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children. "All right, children," she said, "who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?" One little girl answered, "The rain does it, but fertilizer helps."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chris Re: Restore desktop Dear Webby Is there a better way to save and restore the Windows desktop than SMD? SMD has worked fine for many years, but after recent Windows bugfixes and updates, it seems to have lost it's magic. I have a lot of icons on my desktop, and get extremely annoyed when a tool is not where I had put it. Thanks Chris Dear Chris Try Restore Desktop from MidiOx. It's in my toolbox. After installing it, right-click on the desktop and you will see the options to save and to restore the desktop added to the right-click menu. Have FUN! DearWebby

My friend's daughter was taking her son, Donny, to preschool along her usual route. She had always been aware of the speed trap on the hill but this day, she was unusually hurried and forgot. Sure enough, the police pulled her over. Denise was asked for her license and registration. She started to giggle. The officer asked her if she thought this was funny. She said, "No," and that it was her 3 year old in the back seat. The officer put his head down to the window and heard this tiny voice singing, "What you gonna do when they come for you . . . what you gonna do . . . bad boy, bad boy . . . what you gonna do?" The officer couldn't stop laughing and let her go with a warning.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Regional Bargains When traveling or even commuting, be mindful of regional bargains. For example, when we drive to Eastern Washington (from Western Washington), we visit some fruit stands to take advantage of bargains on apples and cherries. The fruit is grown there so the fruit is extremely fresh and inexpensive if you buy it in season. Visit ThriftyFun For More Frugal Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Better%20Livi ... _1307.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

My nephew, who has just started the first grade, was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments. Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," he was asked what this commandment meant. With absolute seriousness he replied, "That means that you shouldn't do what the adults do."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Critters Galore
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Factory pre-installed XP 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 23, 2008

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment. — Jim Rohn
Thanks to Ann for this report: 'Hello?' 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?' 'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause..., Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right Now.' Brief Pause.... 'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.' 'And what happened, honey?' he asked. 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water on the weekend to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.' Long Pause... Longer Pause ....... Even Longer Pause........... Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? .......Is this 486-5731?' 'No, I think you have the wrong number."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Danny Sanchez, 29, of Eureka Street, Bakersfield, CA Truck thief takes cable guy for harrowing ride The Bakersfield Californian | Last Updated: Monday, Jul 21 2008 7:04 AM A northeast Bakersfield man faces charges after he stole a Brighthouse Networks truck Saturday, while a cable company employee in a bucket lift attached to the truck and elevated 25 feet in the air, repaired lines. Police said Danny Sanchez, 29, of Eureka Street, entered the vehicle and drove off around 6:30 p.m. The bucket lift tore down several phone lines before Sanchez crashed the vehicle into a utility pole, according to Bakersfield police Lt. Mike Cantrell. Bright House employee Curtis Bartell, 50, remained in the bucket during the ordeal. He complained of pain but apparently suffered no major injuries, Cantrell said. Sanchez fled the scene but was located by police Sunday morning. He was arrested and charged on suspicion of hit-and-run, automobile theft and false imprisonment. http://www.bakersfield.com/hourly_news/ ... 01834.html ----------------------- The sign on the lifts normally demand that the outriggers be pumped down before entering the bucket. I bet Bartell considers himself a Bonehead for forgetting to do that.
Thanks to Vickster for this story: The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green. Anywhere around there will be fine." The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, "That's okay, sweetheart," and spent a full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey and that's okay. I think we can do better on the next hole." To which she replied, "Listen, dear, don't yell at me. Only two of those five shots were mine!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donovan Re: Pre-Installed XP Dear Webby If Irene is anywhere near Medicine Hat, I sell HP computers with the "option" of having XP instead of Vista. In rare cases the option doesn't get exercised but I'm selling piles of these computers to individuals with XP. If I can help anyone in Alberta, Saskatchewan or anywhere else they're willing to cover a bit of shipping in return for a lot less grief, they can email me at donovan@memlane.com or call me at (403) 526-2288. Thanks, Donovan Dear Donovan Except for your town folks, people have to pay shipping anyway. No computer vendor donates the shipping, and I have a hunch that you mark it up less than they do. ---------- Donovan has been a subscriber for many years and has often contributed very useful and helpful advice. If you want a new computer with properly installed XP, without the BS and hassle the big vendors make you go through, call or email Donovan! Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Sandie for this story: When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school and I wanted to be sure the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers. I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. Until, that is, one night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret. He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Dangers of Co-Signing With a co-signer a person with no credit or bad credit can qualify for a loan that they wouldn't ordinarily be able to get. However, co-signing for a loan is not something that should be done lightly. If the loan goes into default, you will be held responsible for the debt and it can impact your credit rating. Only co-sign on a loan that you are prepared to pay off yourself if necessary. Visit ThriftyFun For Budget And Finance Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Budget%20and% ... e_442.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

According to one 'Dr. Beverly Clark' in JUMA (Journal of the United Medical Association), there have been numerous attacks on unwary airline travelers in the restrooms of the planes. The attacker? It is none other than the dangerous and deadly Arachnius Gluteus. The attacks seem to have started in Chicago's Blare Airport after eating at 'Big Chappies'. Oh my! Sound scary? It is, not because it's true but because someone actually took the time to come up with this. There is no JUMA, no Dr. Beverly Clark writing medical material on spiders; the scientific name of the spider is bogus (butt spider?),there is no Blare airport, and no such restaurant called Big Chappies. Pure BS, just like gullible warming. By the way, to clarify my position re gullible warming: As I have stated since the ice age scare in the 70's, yes, according to the cycles plainly visible in bar code format in thousands of deep canyons, there WILL be an ice age. But first it will get a bit warmer. We are about 3/4 of the way up towards the warmest period, before it will gradually cool off towards the next ice age. According to my calculations, we will reach the warmest period on Thursday afternoon, around 3 PM, in about fourteen Thousand years. Cow farts, cars or Volcanoes won't change that one bit.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Greenland
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Getting a computer with XP factory installed 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 22, 2008

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for you.'" --- Jay Leno
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Thanks to Deelie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Elizabeth Mateo of Camden, NJ No sense of humor, just greed CAMDEN, N.J. (UPI) -- A Camden County, N.J., woman is suing her orthopedic surgeon after he rubbed a temporary tattoo onto her body while she was unconscious. Elizabeth Mateo claims in her suit that she did not realize until the morning after the surgery that the surgeon, Steven Kirshner, had left a temporary tattoo of a rose on her abdomen while she was under anesthesia, the Philadelphia Enquirer reported Wednesday. "She was extremely emotionally upset by it," said attorney Gregg Shivers, who filed the suit on Mateo's behalf in Camden County Superior Court. The suit seeks punitive and compensatory damages from Kirshner. The doctor admitted to placing the tattoo on Mateo but he denied any ill intent, the newspaper reported. He said he often rubs temporary tattoos on patients as a means of helping to raise their spirits after a stressful operation. "What's offensive about this complaint is that it suggests something he did was intended to be prurient, and nothing could be further from the truth," said Kirshner's lawyer, Robert Agre. "It was intended just to make the patient feel better." Copyright 2008 by United Press International
"I was married 3 times" explained the woman to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 husbands died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd hubby died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said her friend , "How did it happen?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: Pre-installed XP Dear Webby I have a few questions about this. 1) Why are businesses allowed to get XP pre-installed, but private people are not? 2) Why do I have to buy Vista Business to get XP rights, even if the computer can't handle Vista Business? 3) Does Microsoft check if I have a legitimate business, if I claim I do, when I buy a computer? Irene Dear Irene 1) If a business doesn't want to increase their work force by 18% to cope with Vista, they will switch to Linux, if M$ does not let them have XP. Any business with 25 or more computers usually has at least one employee, who is comfortable with Linux, and who can make a company specific master CD for quick and easy set-up. Naturally, once they have upgraded to Linux, no company will ever go back to Windows, and Microsoft has lost them for good. So Microsoft reluctantly lets them buy Vista Ultimate or Vista Business, even though the machines they buy, can't handle that, but they throw in the XP license. YOU, and people like you, don't usually have an in-house Linux fan to help them get started, so Microsoft figures they got you by the short and curly hairs, and they don't allow you to get XP. Hitler, ahem, Balmer has spoken, and you better like the Emperor's new clothes! 2) The reason for having to pay for Vista Ultimate or Vista Business, even if the computer you are buying, can't handle that, is to punish you for not liking the Emperor's new clothes. There is no technical reason for it, just pure hateful vindictiveness by the Emperor. 3) The computer makers are supposed to sell Vista Business only to businesses who buy 25 or more machines per year, the businesses, who would tell Microsoft to stuff Windows where the sun don't shine, if they don't get an XP installation included. Microsoft brags about so many Vista's sold, even though the Vista CDs are just used to replace the AOL CD beer coasters in the IT department. Those ARE getting to be quite scratched up, ya know! When Dell, or Toshiba or Sony, or whoever you buy a computer from, asks you if you are a business and will buy 25 computers in a year, everybody just tells them: "Oh, yes, I need those Vista CD's for beer coasters! I want a full set! But not tonight, I have a headache from all this BS." You don't have to buy the other 25 right away, and if the economy slides left and your doily knitting business doesn't expand as planned, they are not going to hunt you down and demand the XP CD back. In summary, if you want to buy a computer with XP pre-installed at the factory, don't go to the HOME computers department, go to the BUSINESS department at Dell, HP, Toshiba (don't go to their front entrance, use this secret back door: http://snipurl.com/32ws7 ), Fujitsu or Lenovo. The business departments of those companies will sell you computers with XP pre-installed at the factory, and dumpster-ware on a beer coaster. (Don't waste time with Gateway, Acer and Asus. They act like they were Microsoft owned and operated.) Be aware that the punishment for not liking the Emperor's new clothes is paying for Vista Business, even if you have absolutely no desire or plan to ever use it. It is strictly a fine, or sleazy extortion, if you want to call it that. By the way, the XP CDs from old klunkers often work quite fine in new machines. And also keep in mind that klunkers at yard sales might just be constipated with registry optimizers and speeder-upper utilities, and will work just fine after a format and re-install. Have FUN! DearWebby

At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders, a secretary rushed in shouting. "The building is on fire" The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed The Baptists cried "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage The Jews sprinted to the parking lot to beat the rush. The Congregationalists shouted "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed "It's the vengeance of God" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. The Mormons arrived late for the meeting and missed the fire completely.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mixing Meatloaf and Other Sticky Things When mixing meat loaf or patting marshmallow candy into a pan, kneading pizza dough etc., I first spray my hands with non-stick cooking spray. It keeps the food from sticking and washes off easily with soap and water. Visit ThriftyFun For Helpful Food Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_948.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "Noooo....Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 40 years of Hotwheels
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: Work on a hard drive when you can't boot up any more 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 21, 2008

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to. --- Mark Twain
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. "I missed you at service this morning," the pastor says. "Well, Reverend", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up before it rained. I figured it was better to sit on a dry bale of hay thinking about God, than to sit in church thinking about hay getting ruined."
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture: Iguassu falls
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the ACLU Sent in by Ross ACLU claims atrocious fashion sense is "owned" by colored males The Associated Press | Sunday, Jul 20 2008 11:10 AM Last Updated: Sunday, Jul 20 2008 11:15 AM Be careful if you have saggy pants in the south Chicago suburb of Lynwood. Village leaders have passed an ordinance that will levy $25 fines against anyone showing three inches or more of their underwear in public. Eugene Williams is the mayor of Lynwood. He says young men walk around town half-dressed, keeping major retailers and economic development away. He calls the new law a hot topic. The American Civil Liberties Union says the ordinance targets young men of color, since, according to the ACLU, nobody else tries to look stupid on purpose.
A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a widower marrying again, haven't you?"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donovan Re: Alternative method for working on a dead machine Dear Webby Can I offer another response to the "don't want to open the case" question? If you use the Ubunutu live CD, and plug in a flash drive or other USB drive, you can still rescue the data without having to touch a screw. The USB device and the HDD will show up on the desktop, then just drag-and-drop. I do this all the time when I know a customer's machine is beyond saving and will require a re-install of Windows (or an upgrade to Linux). Another benefit, if you're willing to dip your toes in techie water, is that you can scan for viruses from there. Donovan Dear Donovan Great idea! For those who don't know what a "Live CD" is: Linux is distributed totally different from Windows. You don't buy a set-up CD, you download an ISO file and burn it onto a CD. That is then your set-up CD. However, unlike a Windows set-up CD, a Linux Live CD doe not automatically trash whatever is on the computer. It lets you boot up from the CD, with the Operating System on the CD, and lets you test-drive that particular flavor of Linux. While running in Linux, you can sort out the hard drive, that is so messed up that Windows won't boot on it any more. If you happen to like that flavor of Linux, you can make it permanent. If you don't, you pull that CD and reboot back into the now cleaned up Windows. Keep in mind that, even though the world is slowly migrating to Linux, it is different from Windows. For the majority I would not recommend it yet, unless you have a Linux using friend nearby, who can help you to get comfortable. Have FUN! DearWebby

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks. "Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. we'll get a new cat tomorrow."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Cuttings for Gifts I often give plants that I have started from cuttings as gifts. To brighten these up, I use a water pic from the florist with one or 2 blossoms from my yard to add a bit of color. I stick the pic into the soil, and make a bow that matches in color or compliments the flowers or the pot and voila! Visit ThriftyFun For Gift Ideas By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Gifts_963.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"I'd like you to be very quiet today, boys and girls. I have a dreadful headache," the teacher said. "Excuse me," said Little Johnny, "why don't you do what my mom does when she has a headache?" "What's that?" asked the teacher. "She tells us to go play outside."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Invitation to dinner
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Need for remote drive 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 20, 2008

Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. — Lou Holtz
An instructor at a girls’ school in the southwest is giving her students what she calls a “charm course.” “You give your escort the chance to be gallant,” she says. “For instance, you should remain seated in the pickup truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you.” Then, returning to reality she adds “Of course, if the big oaf is in the restaurant flirting at the waitress, don’t wait any longer.”
Thanks to Alexa for sending this picture: Off to the biffy, be right back! Leaving the scene of an accident ? I'm going home to mother! I'm going to win even if I have to walk! Pick your own caption here.
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Re yesterday's Bonehead Award: Seattle Drug-otels on eBay No bids on those overpriced drug-otels so far, of course, at the ridiculous price they want. An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Ramirez family in Denton, Texas Robber turned out to be Dad A US pizza worker was shocked when a workmate overpowered a disguised robber - and it turned out to be her father. Stephanie Martinez was getting money out of a cash drawer when Rudy Sandoval fought back against the intruder, knocking off his wig and sunglasses. Ms Martinez was so surprised when she saw the robber's face that she dropped the money, reports the Dallas Morning News. "I said, 'Don't hit him again! That's my dad!' And he said, 'What's he doing here?' and I said, 'I don't know!'" Police say the suspect, Benjamin Ramirez, 41, ran out of the pizzaria in Denton, near Dallas, Texas, to a pick-up truck, where Ms Martinez's mother and husband were waiting. But officers don't think Ms Martinez knew her family was planning the robbery. "We will not be filing charges against her," Sgt. James Brett said. "Her husband told us she didn't know. He knew they were going to rob someplace, but he thought it was going to be a convenience store." Witnesses followed the pickup and helped lead police to it, where Ramirez, Sonia Palacios, 38, and Jose Miguel Martinez, 26, were arrested. All three have been charged with aggravated robbery. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_29 ... rangecrime
Hair cut Women's version: Woman1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much tuck with this stuff I think. Woman2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable, and you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier......... Men's version: Man1: Got your ears lowered? Man2: Yeah. That time of the year.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Need for remote drive Dear Webby Got to pick your brain one more time........ here is the scenero ....... I have heard that you can fix another computer that has a minor problem and or reformat with out taking apart the computer (hard drive and making it a slave) ....... Can you hook up 2 computers using either USB or Ethernet Cord to scan and repair the bad computer? And does the computer that is bad --- when hooking it up, does it have to have the monitor, keyboard and all connected? Have a great day almighty and powerfull ....... Mr. Webby Eddie Dear Eddie If a computer is so messed up that you can't clean it up, and you need to format it, you can do that without opening it up. Just stick the set-up CD into the drive and reboot. You CAN scan a computer over a network, but you need to have a network license for the scanning program. The free sample versions usually on't include that, however, you can scan a USB drive, since it acts like a local drive. The only time you have to take the drive out and put it into a USB drive, is when Windows won't stay lit up or won't boot up, but you want to salvage data before formatting and reloading Windows. Taking the drive out is about as technically challenging as taking a beer out of the fridge, but might be a bit more physically challenging, if your computer is deep under your desk. Once the drive is in a USB drive enclosure, it acts like the second drive of the machine, that the enclosure is plugged into. No need for a second monitor or keyboard. Unless you need to salvage irreplaceable data, and can't upload it to the net or burn it onto a CD, just format and reload. You will never be able to clean up a totally messed up computer by using free utilities, just like the ones that caused the mess in the first place. Have FUN! DearWebby

Grampa was telling his youngest grandson abuot his terrifying experience with cannibals. "There I was, lost in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by twenty hungry cannibals." His grandson, Oleander, said, "But last time you told me, there were only ten hungry cannibals." To which grampa answered, "Ah, but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Groceries Cool on the Way Home Keep a cooler in your trunk to put perishable groceries in when you are driving home from the grocery store. Group them on the checkout conveyor belt so it's easy for the checker to put like items in bags. For frozen foods, many grocery stores have dry ice available. Visit ThriftyFun For Grocery Shopping Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Food%20Tips%2 ... 6_945.html The back seat is cooler than the trunk, and usually much windier. Put a wet beach towel over the groceries and tuck it in securely and open he back windows for maximum draft back there. Evaporative cooling will dry the towel and keep your groceries ice cold. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a National Organization for Women gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ocean wildlife
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: IE Script Error messages 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 19, 2008

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor. --- William Feather
Boudreaux and Pierre decided to go to the casino. Boudreaux told Pierre as they entered, "All right Pierre, we'll meet here in an hour, OK?" "OK, man," said Pierre. Well, when they were done, Boudreaux was broke, but Pierre had a bucket full of quarters. "Man, were you got all 'em quarters?" asked Boudreaux. Pierre, leaning close, whispered, "Man, I don't wann say this too loud, but you see that game over there, every time I put in a dollar, it give me four quarters!"'
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture by her friend Mitzi: Sago Lilies in Iowa
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Seattle, WA school board Twins assigned separate schools SEATTLE (UPI) -- A set of Seattle twins will be in separate schools when they start kindergarten this fall unless district officials change their assignments, their mother says. Stephanie Jewett says Annika is assigned to Bryant Elementary and her sister Nicole is to attend Wedgwood, The Seattle Times reported Tuesday. The twins were placed in separate schools, even though she listed the same three preferred schools in the same order on each girl's application and noted they are twins, the newspaper said. But the school district's placement policy overrode the family's choices. "It looks like there's a glitch in the program," parent activist Lisa Bond said. School Board member Harium Martin-Morris, telling the Times "When you think about it, it's not right." But thinking could hert, ya know! At this point, the Jewett sisters will be heading off to different schools this fall. Copyright 2008 by United Press International ----------------------------- That's the same town that can't manage their public toilets and is trying to sell them on eBay.
The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little lady on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Toots?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with inexperienced stuff. What should I do?" Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.....
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Rose Re: IE Script Error Dear Webby How do I get rid of the "Internet Explorer Script Error" that keeps popping up on my screen? It's a nuisance!!! Thank you for all the help you've given before. What would we do without you? Rose Dear Rose Just go into Tools, Internet Options, Advanced, and turn Script Debugging and Show Errors off. That debugging is intended for the designers of those pages, and they obviously didn't check for errors. Have FUN! DearWebby

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Find Out What Your Wear A good way to find out what you wear is to take all the hangers and turn them around so they are facing the wrong way. As you wear, wash and return clothing back to the closet, hang the clothing the correct way. After a month or two, any clothing still facing the wrong direction should probably be stored or donated. Visit ThriftyFun For More Clothing Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Clothing_Tips_1220_1222.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, after he finished fixing the plumbing in the bar, he and his apprentice parked their pickup trucks in front of her house and left them there all night.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Kings Canyon National Park
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Alternative file compression program: 7-Zip 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 18, 2008

Today is Friday, time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops! Re attempts by members of a certain political party in one country to fragment and defeat the international and nonpolitical effort to honor and support the soldiers, if you don't want to stand behind the troops, please stand in front of them! Just like the poppies and the blood of the soldiers are red, the Friday color is RED, internationally, and not the color of a political party of a country, that was late in joining our international effort to honor and support the troops. In Flanders Fields By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow Between the crosses row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders fields.
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty and chastity, but his Order also required him to quit golf and never play again. This was rather difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning the Reverend Father Norton woke up and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny, early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to perform the sermon for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way, he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church. At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to brag to?"
Thanks to Jai for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Victor Marin, 20, of New York Sent in by Deeli Not quite ready to give up his day job NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man whose home was burgled said the perpetrator was foiled when he returned to the scene of the crime to ask for his wallet back. Yaakov Kanelsky, 49, said the man who showed up at his door and said he had left his wallet inside claimed to have snuck into the apartment to use the bathroom, but the excuse seemed weak and the suspect eventually admitted to taking $200 from Kanelsky's bedroom, the New York Post reported Monday. "I didn't even know any money was missing," Kanelsky said. When he checked his bedroom he found the cash was indeed gone. Kanelsky told the man to return the money first and police arrived as the suspect, identified as Victor Marin, 20, was sliding the bills through the door one by one. Marin was charged with burglary, petty larceny and possession of stolen property. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, my neighbor said, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ronnie Re: Alternative file compression utility Dear Webby For archiving I use 7-Zip. It's open source and so, totally free. It does zip and rar (and most others). Check it out at http://www.7-zip.org/ . Ronnie Dear Ronnie Yes, 7-Zip works fine too, even though it does not integrate into the file explorer and disappear into the background quite as smoothly as Winzip does. If I didn't have WinZip, I would definitely use 7-Zip. Have FUN! DearWebby

A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous." Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Take a Break From Your Computer Avoid sitting in front of your computer for more than 30 minutes at a time. If you find you lose track of time, set a timer to go off in 30 minutes. Then get up, stretch, and walk around a bit before sitting back down. It also helps ease eye strain if you periodically look at distant objects. Visit ThriftyFun For Computer Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Computers_Tips_1640_1641.html Somehow I have a hunch, this tip is going to be ignored by those who are not paid by the hour to sit in front of a computer. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, then YOU fire her....!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: People and countries
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Dear Webby: Program for RAR files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 17, 2008

Tomorrow is Friday, time to wear something red, to show your support for the troops!
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. --- Andrew S. Tanenbaum Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? --- Henry Ward Beecher
A college student wrote a letter home: Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late. A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Pilaar, 34, of Denver, Colorado Sent in by Deeli Library Thief DENVER (UPI) -- A Denver man is facing jail time and $53,549 in library fines for checking out about 1,400 books and DVDs and selling many of them online, officials said. Thomas Pilaar, 34, received a 10-year prison sentence Tuesday for illegally selling library items on the Internet, The Denver Post reported. About 500 books and DVDs were found when Pilaar was arrested last year for a separate incident, the newspaper said. Officials said he used seven library cards to obtain the items from libraries in Denver, Douglas County, Aurora, Colo., and Littleton, Colo. Copyright 2008 by United Press International
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house. "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?" "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Yolanda Re: RAR Dear Webby I need to download a WINRAR program to view RAR files. Which one would you recommend? Thank you for all your help.. Loyal reader, Yolanda Dear Yolanda Winzip reads rar files. You can also use Win-Rar from http://www.win-rar.com/ or a free trial from http://www.download.com/WinRAR/3000-225 ... 07677.html There is no real reason to use RAR, except for pretending to be snooty and different. File compression is about the same as with ZIP, but RAR takes longer to compress and decompress than ZIP does. Have FUN! DearWebby

As we were moving into our dorm last fall, young women wandered from room to room to see what the other students had brought to school. One student's room contained a TV, VCR, stereo system, microwave, and a number of other high-tech gadgets. She even had a Nintendo. A fellow dorm resident couldn't resist asking, "Do you play Nintendo?" The girl responded, "No, but guys do!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Choosing a Veterinarian When you are choosing a veterinarian, ask friends and family in your area if they have a vet they would recommend. It's important to find a vet that is good with both people and animals; someone who is willing to take time to answer any questions that you may have. Visit ThriftyFun For More Pet Health Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Pets_Health_1078_1097.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits and lies!

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Montreal Botanical Gardens
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Dear Webby: How to reduce picture file size 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 16, 2008

No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar. --- Donald Foster
I served with a guy who did a strange thing: He bounced an imaginary basketball wherever he went. Eventually, a psychiatrist labeled him unfit for duty, which led to a medical discharge. After the proceedings, he addressed the officer in charge. "Sir, may I approach?" With permission granted, he went through the motion of putting something on the officer's desk. "What is this?" asked the officer. "My basketball. I don't need it anymore."
Thanks to all who wrote in about yesterday's picture: It was a Northern Leopard frog Thanks to Tammy for this picture: Hi, as always thanks for the humor, I took those pics outside my window the other day, I was sitting here at my computer and seen something, one fawn was right up by my house. It was great to watch them! I wanted to share them with everyone. thanks, Tammy
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chen Chenggang of Xin Dian, Taiwan Rocky Sex Two lovers ended up in hospital in Taiwan after their car plunged 150ft down a cliff face as they made love in the back seat. Lin Gu, 25, and lover Lee Shin, 29, were left with broken bones and bruises after their car toppled over the edge of a hill in XinDian, reports Today News. A spokesman for police who were called by witnesses said: "They had parked up close to the edge of the mountain and had left the handbrake off. "When they started having sex the rocking motion started the car moving and it rolled off the hill. They were lucky they were not more seriously hurt." Despite their injuries - and being covered with mud and grass - the couple managed to clamber back up to the road where the woman asked the man to keep walking while she sought help at a nearby house. Homeowner Chen Chenggang said the woman pleaded with him not to reveal how the accident happened as her husband "would definitely sue for divorce". However, that did not slow down a notorious gossip like Chen Chenggang. Arcamax
Thanks to Linda for this confession: One night at a Japanese restaurant I was intrigued by some Japanese writing on the side of one page in the menu. So I copied it onto the napkin and the next time I felt like embroidering, I stitched it onto an otherwise rather boring turtleneck. This Friday I wore it at a company dinner. While out on the balcony for an after dinner smoke, a Japanese gent approached me and asked me, if I knew what that writing said. I told him it was like an inside out fortune cookie and that I had no clue. He told me it said: "Pretty good but really cheap!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Di Re: Reducing file size of graphics Dear Webby Hi Webby: I have a question. I am trying to reduce the size of a color flyer I downloaded from a web site. It is currently an 8 mg JPG and it need to be 4 or less to send on to a person who is going to place it in a magazine. I am limited on editing programs, although, I have Microsoft picture Office Manager and I have a new laptop with Win Pic Live gallery, also picassa and Photoshop element. However, I am limited in knowledge of Photoshop elements (just learning it now). Is there anyway I can reduce the size of this flyer? It is also in a PDF format, but, that is even larger? Thank You, Di Dear Di So as not to compromise quality, I would split that flier into two pieces. If the magazine, that you are sending it to, uses low resolution or is an on-line magazine, then you can safely reduce the Dots Per Inch, which drastically cuts down the file size. I use PSP for all graphics work, and if some printer requires PDF, I export it to PDF with Open Office, then upload it to the web and send them the URL They all seem to be quite happy about it, especially since that method does not plug up their email. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you." And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes. Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!" Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Drive-in movie If you have a drive-in movie theatre near you, it can be a fun and relatively inexpensive way to see a movie as a family. Most drive-ins have no problem with you bringing in your own snacks and some even allow you to barbecue before the show. Most drive-in theaters also show a double feature. Visit ThriftyFun For More Summer Fun Ideas By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Parenting_Sum ... _4980.html Drive-ins are almost extinct. There are only 400 of them left in the entire US. However, there are a few traveling Drive-Ins, that tour around and can be booked as fund raisers. They are extremely popular and you need to be there at least three hours early, to get a spot. But you can smoke, and you can barbecue on the tailgate. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A farmer's wife was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones." "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones," says the farmer's wife, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, we were at the Kroger supermarket!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Solar Cars
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Dear Webby: JPG versus JPEG 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 15, 2008

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. --- Leo Buscaglia
Thanks to Sandie for this story: All of his life, Len had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So, when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his friend, Corky, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked Len straight in the eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great- grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: Would anyone know what lovely marked species of frog this is? Found in a babbling brook in the Cyprus Hills. Sue
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Orange County, California Sheriff's Dept. Massive police action at Annual Moon Over Amtrack event Sheriff's deputies told some 8,000 partiers to pull up their pants Saturday afternoon, shutting down the annual celebration known as "Moon Over Amtrak." California Highway Patrol officers were called in to assist Orange County sheriff's deputies in shutting down the event, where thousands of people bared their rear ends to passing Metrolink and Amtrak trains, reported KNBC-TV in Los Angeles. More than 50 law officers broke up the event because of complaints by a few sniveling ninnies about public nudity, said Orange County Sheriff's Department spokesman Jim Amormino. "There were complaints about the mooning, women lifting their tops and a couple cases of complete nudity," Amormino said. There were also reports of public alcohol consumption at the event, which has been prohibited in the past. Amormino said the crowd dispersed peacefully when the mooning was over, and no arrests were made. The event originated in 1979, at the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel, when K.T. Smith told friends he would buy a drink for anyone willing to run outside to the rail road tracks and moon the next train. Many of Smith's drinking buddies did, and the mooning tradition lived on -- although nowadays no one volunteers to buy drinks for the thousands of mooners who come out every year.
A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high. "Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are always in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people." "Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is marvelous news." "Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we have you scheduled for a foursome next Saturday."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trish from Oz Re: JPG versus JPEG Dear Webby Very short ask of you this time, it's what's the difference between JPG and JPEG. Might be interesting to all your other 'devout' readers too as some of them may be as "unschooled" in 'tech terms' as I am. I do know that I have read what jpg etc means but hasn't registered, just want to know the difference and which or what I should 'save as'. Regards to you and yours, thinking your dad will be hiking all about as the weather should be quite nice in his part of the world now, freezing here (well to me it is). Regards Trish Dear Trish There is no difference. JPEG stands for Joint Photographic Experts Group, the group that originally wrote the standard for JPG. In the early days of computing, the UNIX and Windows world arbitrarily settled on 3 letter extensions, since the other, older graphics format: GIF also had 3 letters. The Mac side wanted to be snooty and different, and used the 4 letter JPEG extension. The net originally was strictly UNIX, so JPG took hold and all software recognizes it, but nowadays most software also accepts the long 4 letter extension. It's just a matter of being snooty and wanting to appear different, like some women demanding to be addressed as Ms, not as Miss or Mrs. Well, I don't have time for a Ms, and I don't waste typing effort on a 4 letter name for a file, that works just fine when I call it jpg. If your browser wants to save a file as jpg, even though some Ms may have called it jpeg before, let it. The time to worry is when your browser tries to save a file as BMP. That is the crude Windows Bitmap from the barefoot DOS days, that Windows shifts down to when it is just about crashed or doesn't have enough free memory to do things right. When you see it trying to save a file as BMP, quickly save everything that is open and close what is not absolutely necessary, then run CrapCleaner. After that it will save the file properly as JPG. Have FUN! Dear Webby

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually. Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21 . . . Yes! Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30. Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . . You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . . Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Herbal Tea Facial Steamer Boil 1/2 quart of water. Then put two chamomile tea bags (or a handful of dried chamomile flowers) in a bowl and pour the boiling water over them. Put one towel under the bowl and another over your head. Lean over the bowl and breath in the chamomile for 5-10 minutes. If it gets too hot, let steam escape by lifting up the towel. Visit ThriftyFun For More Beauty Recipes By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Beauty_Beauty ... _3351.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Calgary International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat." I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around, prepared to unleash a verbal assault that he would never forget . . . but found myself face to face with a smiling pilot.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Japanese Classical Music
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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Dear Webby: How do I clean out miscellaneous malware? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 14, 2008

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --- Mark Twain No man ever listened himself out of a job. --- Calvin Coolidge
An eighty year-old lady wins the lottery. Not wanting her to die of shock upon learning this, her children consult her doctor on how to break the news. The doctor comes over to the lady's house. "What would you do if you won ten million dollars?" he asks her. The lady replies, "Why, since you've been such a good doctor to me, I would give half of it to you." The doctor immediately died of shock.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Barkley Sound, BC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven Sprague, 48, of West Palm Beach, Fla. $9,500 Verizon bill WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- A West Palm Beach, Fla., man is suing Verizon Wireless in state court after his family incurred a $9,500 wireless Internet bill in just 11 days. Steven Sprague, 48, said he was given a free wireless card for his laptop computer when he re-upped his two-year contract with Verizon and the suit claims he was told by a sales agent that the unlimited wireless card usage from his previous plan would carry over, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported. However, the card was broken by Sprague's wife after only 11 days of use by the couple and their three children, ages 16, 12 and 8. Nonetheless, Sprague said, his bill for the month was nearly $9,500. "I was ticked off at her for breaking the card, but she was doing me the biggest favor in the world," he said. "At least it stopped there." Sprague said he took the bill to the Circuit City kiosk where he re-upped his contract and found the plan was not unlimited, but instead included a 49-cent surcharge for each megabyte over 5 gigabytes of monthly use. "This case is either the classic bait-and-switch situation or, worst case, just a blatant attempt to get people in a contract where they don't know what they are getting into," said Sprague's lawyer, Philip Valente Jr. ------------ $9,500 is by no means the biggest bill for wireless abuse, and there has been plenty of publicity about it over the last few years. I realize that Verizon is not a prime choice of ISP, mainly because of their email problems, but 25 Gigabytes in 11 days is more file transfer, than a lot of very popular web sites do. Since fanatic abuse like that takes away capacity, that otherwise 250 ordinary clients could use, I can understand that Verizon has to draw a line somewhere and take a stand. If Sprague wants more than 5 GB / month, he can sign up for a business account. Whining and sniveling that a cheap 5 GB account has a per MB charge above 5 GB won't get him anything except lawyer bills.
In July, the Indians asked their Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter will be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is indeed going to be very cold." So the Chief went back to encourage his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, and asked again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go out and bring back every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re:Cleaning out miscellaneous malware Hi Mr Webby; Time to pick your brain now...... I have came across a couple of friends that has a computer problem with the same type of problem..... What is happening here is that have loaded up their pc with alot of adware & spyware .... and possible malware junk. Their pc's are freezing up on them so bad that I can not get in there to even clean up their mess..... So now here is the big question for you..... ! HOW CAN I LOCATE AND GET RID OF ALL OF THIS MESS THAT THEY HAVE CREATED? Sorry for the caps.......but this has really bothered me quite some. Have a great day..... Eddie Dear Eddie Formatting always works. That will teach the silly yahoos. Upload their produced and collected data (spreadsheets, docs, pictures and music) to the net or to a DVD, write down the serial numbers of all bought and paid for software, thenFormat and re-install Windows. Download the SP3 blocker and the IE7 blocker from my toolbox, install a decent Anti-Virus and firewall, Spybot-Search&Destroy and Crap Cleaner. Re-install the legitimate software, without any flaky registry screwers and speeder upper BS, download the produced data, and it's done. The machine will be as fast as the day they bought it. Anything else will just lead to ulcers and wasted time. Have FUN! Dear Webby

One day a man called the church office and said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" The secretary thought she heard what he said, but to be sure, she asked, "I'm sorry, who?" The man said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?" She said, "Well, if you mean the pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but you may certainly not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!" The man on the phone said, "Well, I was planning to donate ten thousand dollars to the church's building fund . . ." The secretary quickly responded, "Hang on, I think the old pig just waddled in!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 080701@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Sun and Antique Furniture Sunlight makes dark wood lighter and light wood darker. Prevent uneven discoloration of antique furniture by keeping it away from windows that receive direct sunlight. Once a piece of furniture has changed color, you may need to completely refinish the piece to restore it. Visit ThriftyFun For More Furniture Care Tips By Clicking Here http://www.thriftyfun.com/Home%20Improv ... 4_591.html Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Shutterbugs
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com
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