Dear Webby: Fuzzy pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 31, 2009

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. --- Gordon R. Dickson
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a real big farm. The second boy said his dad owned a real big factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boys scoffed. "No man can own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that the elders of our church gave him hell last night."
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced: "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Terrance Dejuan McCoy, 23 of Detroit, Michigan Detroit Date FERNDALE, Mich. (AP) - Police in Michigan say a first date went from bad to worse when a Detroit man skipped out on the restaurant bill, then stole his date's car. Police say 23-year-old Terrance Dejuan McCoy had dinner with a woman April 24 at Buffalo Wild Wings in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. The woman says the two met a week earlier at a Detroit casino and she knew McCoy only as "Chris." The woman told police that McCoy said he left his wallet in her car and asked for keys. He then sped away in the 2000 Chevrolet Impala. The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak reports that police identified McCoy by a photo he'd sent to the woman's cell phone, and his phone number. McCoy is charged with unlawfully taking the car, a five-year felony. He waived a preliminary exam and was bound over for trial Thursday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: Fuzzy pictures Dear Webby Do digital cameras go bad with time? My camera used to take quite sharp pictures, but lately a lot of them are a bit fuzzy. The lens is perfectly clean and not scratched, because I have always been very careful with it and only cleaned it exactly like you told me years ago, with a well washed t-shirt rag and eyeglass cleaner spray from the optometrist. There is nothing loose or rattling inside. Is it the electronics? Can that be fixed quickly? I need to take pictures at a wedding tomorrow. Renee Dear Renee Hold a fishing pole or a yard stick in your outstretched hand so that the far end almost touches a light switch, and keep it steady for 30 seconds. Does it waver around? If it does, some parts of your muscles have turned to cellulite and muscle action is not as smooth and strong and steady as it once was. While that can be reversed nowadays without the need for re-incarnation and without having to break the piggy bank, that is a separate topic that I'll answer only if requested. And it would not help you today. That takes a few months. To get sharp pictures tomorrow, buy or borrow a tripod. Since you are not into extreme mountain climbing, get the heaviest and sturdiest you can lay your hands on. They are not as expensive as they used to be. If there is no money for a tripod, go to the hardware store and buy a 1" dowel or a replacement broom handle, a 1/4"x20 one inch long bolt, a quarter inch drillbit and some 2 component 5 minute epoxy. Saw the head of the bolt off. Cut the dowel or handle so that when you rest the camera on it, it is properly in front of your eyes. Drill a 1/4" hole in the end of the dowel or the lower end of the broom handle deep enough so that the sawed off screw sticks out about 3/8 of an inch.(Thickness of a cigarette) Epoxy the sawed off end of the bolt into the hole and hold it for a few minutes, so that it does not slide in too deep. That's all there is to it. Now you have a ONE-pod. Naturally, it is not as good as a TRIpod, but it will make a huge difference in your pictures, especially in less than ideal lighting conditions.. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named 'Love'. It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for Love." In New York that is an indictable offense and she was arrested on the spot.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kids Jacket Swap Kids grow out of their jackets really quickly but the jackets don't seem to wear out quickly. Get together some of your friends and host a jacket or coat swap. You can also do this with adult clothes too. Everyone needs to bring a jacket that is in good shape. And now you can swap for a good jacket that will fit your ever growing kids. By Debra in Colorado Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had not played the game before. Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is "Oh @#$%."
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Trisha walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't find an empty seat anywhere. Finally, she walks over to one gentleman that was sitting down, and said, "I wonder if I might trouble you for your seat. You see, I'm pregnant." The gentleman groaned, and in obvious pain struggled to his feet and lurched across the room to lean on the the water fountain for support. As Trisha sat down, another lady in the waiting room looked her over and said, "You know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed you were pregnant. How far along are you?" Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"
» Patterns in nature
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Dear Webby, Is there going to be an Internet shut-down? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 30, 2009

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. ---Mark Twain
A Scotsman went to the zoo for the first time. At one cage, he stopped and asked the keeper, "Now, what animal would that be?" The zoo keeper said, "That's a moose from Canada." "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man! They must ha' rrrats like elephants o'er there!"
A doctor of psychology at a mental institution was doing his normal morning rounds, when he entered a patient's room. He found one patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" Then the doctor asked him what the other patient was doing. He said, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up at the patient hanging from the ceiling and noticed his face was flushing red. The doctor said to the first patient on the floor: "If he is your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." And the patient said, "What? And work in the dark?"
Thanks to Sandie for forwarding this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit Woman's license suspended 45 times Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit FERNDALE, Mich., Aug. 26 (UPI) -- Police in Michigan said a woman whose driver's license was suspended 45 times was arrested while driving a reported stolen car with a beer on her lap. Ferndale police said Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit, had a 24-ounce can of beer on her lap when an officer spotted her driving the 1999 Dodge Stratus and pulled her over just after midnight Tuesday, the Detroit Free Press reported Wednesday. Beavers told police she purchased the car from a woman at a shelter in Adrian, Mich., for $1,000 and took the vehicle despite the other woman's demand for an additional $400. Police said they found an unsigned title to the car in its glove compartment. Investigators said Beavers' driver's license was revoked after it was suspended 45 times in Detroit and its suburbs. Lt. William Wilson said police are planning to ask prosecutors to press charges of driving with a suspended license and having an open container of alcohol in the car.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandra Re: Internet shutdown imminent Dear Webby I read that the law for shutting down the Internet is imminent and could be called into action if health care protests get too organized. What are we to do then? Sandra Dear Sandra You sure find some hilarious BS on Yahoo ! Don't you realize that all that exaggerated BS and outright lies are just to deafen you to anybody REALLY crying wolf? All that BS has probably been written by agitators to deafen you. In reality, Obama is not interested in shutting down the Internet. He much rather have everybody forwarding BS and nattering on Yahoo and Twitter, than out on the streets throwing rocks. Jay Rockefeller, who acts like a clueless West Virginia hillbilly, reworded Iran's Gag Law with dogooderish vocabulary, and put it out as a discussion draft, mainly to get his name into the news. There is no substance to his draft. It is so vague that nobody in the industry knows yet, whether to lobby for or against it. That's all. Whenever there is an actual hacker threat against large portions of the Internet, the IT industry deals with it thousands of times faster than any government intervention could. As long as you pay your Internet connection invoice, you will have access to the Internet. Have FUN! DearWebby
An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father?" The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$275.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $250.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'" ------------------ Btw., did you know that if farmers had the same mark-ups as optometrists, eggs would cost over $100 ? Each!
» World Meters
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Dear Webby: Law to control the Internet 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 29, 2009

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship." --- John D. Rockefeller, Jr. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. --- Krishnamurti When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway. --- Clyde B. Aster Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. -- Evelyn Waugh
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to act like it was him who calls the shots around here."
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too)
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture from Leipzig, Germany Nicolai church in Leipzig
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora in Hillsborough, Florida Pastor faked kidnapping to cheat on his wife A Hillsborough County pastor is in legal hot water after faking his own kidnapping so that he could spend more time with his girlfriend. According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police. More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who he was in, when he was found. Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora in Hillsborough, Florida
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Govt Internet control Dear Webby I read a lot lately about a new law that will let Obama shut down the Internet if people want to send him back to Kenya or Costa Rica or wherever. Is there any truth to that, or i it just tea-bagger propaganda? Mark Dear Mark First of all, it is not a law YET. It is a draft by Sen. Jay Rockefeller, a West Virginia Democrat. As it stands now, it is a dogooderish sounding copy of the law that Iran used to gag the opposition after their election, and to prevent them from gaining any momentum or getting organized. While that is to be expected from Marxists, it is not a law yet. The draft might be changed and/or delayed until after the next election. Also consider that most ISPs and their staff wobble between acting as if they make the rules for God, and being dumber than dirt. And they are quite good at that! Just the thought of Obama arguing with Mujibar bin Dumdum in Bangalore, India brings a smile to my face. So, even if a gag order or shut-down is ordered, I would not expect instant or complete compliance. Sprint, Verizon, AT&T, etc. definitely don't plan on losing any revenue, just because of some revolution. The law would give Obama the might to do all kinds of silly things, "in coordination with relevant industry sectors". Right. That sounds like herding cats. Since the gag law is just a draft so far, I would not lose any sleep over it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Nancy came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no Odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Nancy. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Nancy marched into Dr.Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Nancy," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wash Cloth for Telephone Space Around Toddlers To get space from my toddlers when I am on the phone, I sit with a wet facecloth and wipe their faces whenever they come near me. Now I can chat without them being right in my space. By Mrs. Burgo from Newcastle, NSW Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, you have the right to have her attorney present. You may kiss the bride, but no fooling around!"
» Oyster Farming
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Dear Webby: Flow charting programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 28, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --- James Thurber
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for his class. He takes out a silver coin. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," one student calls out. "No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because, Prefessor Angus McRae, if it would dissolve in that acid, you would have asked for MY coin!"
Thanks to Joan for this pitcture of the deer in her back yard:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an Paul Boucher, 77, in Allenstown, NH Man refused to wait for parade ALLENSTOWN, N.H. (UPI) -- Police in New Hampshire say a man who drove his car through a barricade, striking a police officer, was angry about his street being closed for a parade. Investigators said Paul Boucher, 77, refused to wait for the Old Home Day parade in Allenstown to pass before pulling away from his home. He was confronted by an officer as he drove around a barricade, WMUR-TV, Manchester, N.H., reported. "He told the officer he was going to go through the parade anyway," Allenstown Police Chief Shaun Mulholland said. "The individual cut the wheel, swerving his vehicle around and hit the officer." Mulholland said an officer was able to grab Boucher's keys and stop his vehicle. He was arrested and charged with felony reckless conduct and felony second-degree assault. He is due back in court Sept. 8. The injured officer was treated in a hospital for an injury to his right leg, but has since returned to duty, Mulholland said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: Flow Charts Dear Webby I need a program to make flow charts for a project. All the ones I looked at, are ridiculously expensive. Do you know of a reasonable solution? Well, I know you do, but can you please tell me about it? Thanks Elvira Dear Elvira If you have a good spreadsheet, like for example Quattro from Corel-WordPerfect, then you can make flow charts with live content, that automatically changes according to data that you have on the same sheet or on other sheets in the 3D stack of sheets. It takes a bit of playing to get fast and comfortable with spreadsheets, but once you are used to their awesome power and versatility, you would not want to restrict yourself to a regular flow charting program. If you don't want to use spreadsheets or if you have fairly simple flow charts and data that does not change over time, then you can use a regular flow charting program. Yes, I agree that most of them are ridiculously expensive, but PC-Magazine has one for just $8. It is surprisingly full featured compared to the expensive ones, especially if you study the instructions at Smooth Flowcharter In my opinion it compares very well with flow charter programs in the $300 - $500 range. Have FUN! DearWebby
A young lady holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the woman. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Items for Drainage Fill in Plant Containers Those lightweight plastic cups that flowers are sold in - I recycle them by using them for drainage when I transplant the flowers into terra cotta pots. I flatten them somewhat with my foot, and put them in the bottom of the pot. Then I add the soil and the flowers. The flattened trays are much lighter than broken terra cotta pieces for drainage, and it's a savings because less soil is required. For a large, deep pot, I use three or four smashed trays. When I need to move the pots around on my patio, it's easy because they don't weigh a ton. The smashed trays can be used year after year. By Carla from Greensboro, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "...Oh, I remember....!!!!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
» Yellowstone Country
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Dear Webby: Shut it down or leave it running? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 27, 2009

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. --- Charles Caleb Colton Politics is made up largely of irrelevancies. --- Dalton Camp
Thanks to Ross for this story: A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an abdominal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, if not a psychopsymatic phase, spoke to the doctor about it. "Don't worry about a thing." the doctor told the nurse, looking somewhat amused. "He really does have a bump on his head... The operation took longer than planned, and about halfway through it we ran out of anesthetic."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Cuatla, Mexico
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 18 year old dopey burglar in East Hartford, Conn Speedo clad robber arrested EAST HARTFORD, Conn. – A robbery suspect wearing only a Speedo-style swimsuit was arrested in East Hartford after a police dog tracked him down and bit him on the leg. The Journal Inquirer of Manchester reported that the suspect was being held after his arrest Thursday on $50,000 bail. He was scheduled for arraignment Friday, but the result of that hearing was not immediately available. Police said the suspect tried to steal several vehicles, and also took items from them. They said they spotted the man wearing the bathing suit and holding a tool box that had been burglarized from a truck. Police said the man ran, but officers using a police dog found him hiding behind a car. The 18-year-old suspect allegedly told police he'd been drinking heavily and smoking marijuana.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Leave it on or turn it off? Dear Webby, I use a laptop and was wondering if it is better to leave it on and let the screen saver come on during the day of should I put it in stand by and keep turning it back on. I have been doing the stand by routine but wondered which is better for the laptop. I always enjoy your good advice, the cute jokes pictures etc. I hope everyone votes each day!!! I do. Thanks again. Carolyn Dear Carolyn That depends on whether you are smart enough to use DisKeeper or not. If you are, then leave it running. Whenever the screensaver comes on, DisKeeper defragments and tunes your hard drive. If you don't have DisKeeper, just close the lid and let it go onto standby or hibernation. Thanks for the voting! Currently on average 1.53 % of the readers vote, maximum I have seen lately is 1.69%. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Sandie for this story: When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone. So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Paper Scraps I use a regular household file, the sort with a fold over lid and handle, to store offcuts of card. I sort it into colors. It's easy to find the color I need. I place all the similar shades in the same section in a penny pocket so when I need to use, i.e.: red, I just need to take out the reds. I also find it so easy to take with me if I am doing a charity craft session. By Mary from United Kingdom Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The bank manager noticed the new clerk wasn't good at counting money or adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked. "Yale," replied the lad. "And what's your name?" barked the manager. "Yim Yohnston," he replied.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a co-worker comes up. "Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks. "Sorry," the man says, "I can't." "Why not?" "The doctor tells me I can't play." "Well," says the co-worker, "we all know that. It's still fresh air fun!"
» Index of roses
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Dear Webby: Short MP3's 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 26, 2009

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. --- Dudley Moore You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind. --- Socratex God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest. --- J.G. Holland
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I hadn't started cooking yet."
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
You ate all the rest ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Restaino Jr of Linden, NJ Robber used cab as getaway after robbing bank ROSELLE, N.J. (AP) - Police said a New Jersey man who told a cab driver to stop at a bank so he could take out some money failed to mention that he was going to rob it. Michael Restaino Jr. was arrested shortly afterward Monday when a police officer stopped the cab he was riding in several blocks from the Roselle Savings Bank. Police say the taxi driver was apparently unaware of what his passenger had done. Police said they found more than $2,400 in cash and a holdup note in Restaino's pockets. They said he was not armed. He has been charged with second-degree robbery and was being held in the Union County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lillian Re: Short MP3's Dear Webby, I need a bunch of short, less than 1 MB in size, MP3 songs for a project with seniors. I don't want wacky junior experiments, but clips from songs that they would or should recognize. . Do you have a source for something like that? Thanks Lillian Dear Lillian There are lots of sites with low quality midi files of the size you need, but I am not aware of any that carry the equivalent in MP3 quality. Hopefully one of the subscribers knows a site like that, or has a personal stash. I will print it here if anybody can help you. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Cereal Liner as Wax Paper I seldom use waxed paper. In fact I usually only use it when my husband makes hamburgers on the grill, to layer the raw patties in so they won't stick. Instead of buying waxed paper just for this use, I save the waxy bags that line the cereal boxes. When I empty the box, I open the bag along the seam and roll it over a tube in an old waxed paper box and put in the drawer. I never pay for it, and we always have it. By Mom from Missouri Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the words "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. Little Johnny said, "The rabbit cut across the field and defeat went over defense before detail."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
» Skyscraper City
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Dear Webby: Double or nothing task bar 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 25, 2009

It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Little Johnny came home from a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Johnny's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Johnny. "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe, so you could make a cake just like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me having to ask for them."
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a politician were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman? "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized and reasonably civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the politician...

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ian Stafford, 58, now EX mayor of Preesall, England Mayor is the Panty Burglar Ian Stafford, 58, was arrested after women in the area called police to report knickers repeatedly disappearing from their homes. One woman was so peturbed she installed a hidden camera in her bedroom, which recorded a semi-naked man rifling through her drawers and putting on her underwear before performing a sex act. Investigations later revealed a collection of knickers, allegedly matching those reported stolen, at the home of the mayor. He was arrested on suspicion of burglary and bailed. Mr Stafford, who works as a handyman and gardner, has now resigned from his post in Preesall near Fleetwood,Lancs.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Double or nothing task bar Dear Webby, I love the "motorcycle pic in today's lettew. I could aslmost handle riding that one. Thanks for sharing that & the wonderful jokes. I need your help. Some how I accidently messed up the task bar. Now it's doubled in height & has icons that are usually hidden showing. I tried dragging it down to reduce the size but it just hides it all together. When I try dragging it back up it comes up double again. I restarted but that didn't help so I shut if down completely for a few minuites but that didn't help either. It's not a big problem just a nusiance. Also can you give me any ideas why so many worms are starting to come up? My Avast is blocking them but it seems like they are trying to get in 2 or more times a day now. Is there anything I can do to keep them from coming up rather than just letting Avast do it's job by blocking them? Thanks for the help & jokes. Sharon Dear Sharon Shut down as many programs as you can, so that the task bar is nearly empty. Then pull down the taskbar very gingerly. Yeah, I know, it is a bit jumpy in XP, and worse in Vista. But that is about all you can do, I haven't noticed any worms trying anything funny, but I am using McAfee. Apparently it murders them quitely in the dark, and doesn't even bother telling me about it. Naturally, a ho'mail address doesn't help. Once you graduate from ho'mail and get a respectable address, the problem will probably disappear anyway. Good Luck! DearWebby
A man walks up the counter and says, "I'll have 2 pounds of Tofu." The man at the counter says, "Oh, you must be from California." The man responds, "How stereotypical! If I had ordered Pepperoni would you think I was Italian?" "No." answers the man at the counter. And besides, pepperoni is more Sicilian than Italian. "If I had ordered Wienerschnitzel would you have thought I was German," he asks. "No." says the man behind the counter, "and besides, Wiener Schnitzel are from Wien, Vienna, the capital of Austria." "Then why," he asks, "would you think I was from California, just because I want 2 pounds of tofu ???" The man looks up from the counter and says, "'Cause you're in a hardware store."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ask for Makeup Samples I have been feeling a little guilty about spending money on make up with my husband losing his job recently, but I was talking to one of the sales people at my local Ulta and she said do not hesitate to ask for samples and try before I buy. This is a great idea, after all I would not buy a dress without trying it on. Also, take advantage of coupons in your Sunday newspaper for make up items. Another thing to consider expensive is not always better. I do my research and compare products by searching the internet. I have found some great buys for far less money by doing my research first. Be careful where you buy and make sure they have a return policy on make up. Keep your proof of purchase in a envelope until you know the product works for you. Walgreens and CVS are very good about exchanging make up. By Bobbie from Rockwall Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid- afternoon, she worried about her five-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from kindergartenl to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four- year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then said to her, "Uh-oh ... I know what *you've* been doing."
» Glacier National Park
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dear Webby: Message not found problem in Vista 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 24, 2009

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. --- Farmers' Almanac, 1978 Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. --- Mark Twain As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
Thanks to Cookie for this: Drafting Guys over 60---- This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman- New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night! ---------------------- Cookie, did you know that those scrawny and skinny illegals said that your butt looks fat and baggy in those border patrol uniforms? And they asked if that Is two of you in each uniform. Oh, and by the way, 100 shots is usually plenty to kill an illegal. They are kinda skinny anyway.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need when I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Lloyd Finder, 26 of North Bend, Oregon Burglar sells items stolen at North Bend, OR police station Aug 19, 12:57 PM (ET) NORTH BEND, Ore. (AP) - A brazen burglar picked the wrong place to target: a police station. Police Chief Steve Scibelli said it was pretty embarrassing to have a thief hit his downtown station last week, stealing a radio, two stun guns and a Crown Victoria patrol car. The one saving grace is that police made a quick arrest. "I'm so upset about it, I can't even find any humor in it," Scibelli told The Register-Guard newspaper. "It's pretty embarrassing." Robert Lloyd Finder, 26, remained in the Coos County Jail on Wednesday, facing just about every charge the police could think up: burglary, possession of burglary tools, theft, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, criminal mischief, criminal trespass, tampering with physical evidence and reckless driving. Scibelli, who oversees a department of 16 officers - including himself - said the burglary occurred when all the officers left a section of the building to respond to an assault call. Finder, according to the chief, later told investigators he was walking near the station and noticed most of the police cars were gone. "He just said he thought he'd try it," Scibelli said. "See if he could pull this off. High risk, low reward." Scibelli said the station's outer doors are difficult to lock, so that's probably how the burglar got inside. The suspect found keys to the police car, swiped a couple of Tasers and drove to Lakeside, where he parked the police car on some railroad tracks inside a tunnel, the chief said. Police caught up with Finder the following day, when he tried to sell the stun guns, Scibelli said. The chief said police have revamped some internal procedures to prevent a similar burglary. "We were dumbfounded," Scibelli said. "Absolutely amazed that someone would have the nerve to do this." If Finder had not tried to sell the police Tasers, he would still be on the loose.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Message can not be found Dear Webby, Webby, I'm glad that , at least , you are getting through. about every 5th e-mail I receive gives me "an error has occured" message. I can't just delete it, I have to open it to delete it. When I open the message inside says that "the message can't be found". Got any ideas? Or is it just VISTA being stupid. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks! Mike Dear Mike That sounds like a Vista feature. I have never seen that on a good OS. You will have to ask Microsoft about that. Good Luck! DearWebby
Over the cover of a women's magazine, a title caught her eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." She decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" she asked her husband. "That you'll quit," he promptly replied.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bring Your Own Vase to the Florist When buying flowers from a flower shop, take your old vase with you and save 50 cents to $3.00, depending on vase size. If you're like me, you don't have enough storage space to store those you've collected over time anyway. By Momof1 from Wilkesboro, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a hot concrete slab in front of a huge, yellow and red sign. I didn't realize that somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'SHELL' sign.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two college students are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't...?"
» Funny Felines
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Dear Webby: Convert DCA to MP3 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 23, 2009

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. --- Socratex Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. "What's the matter child?" he asks. "Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic." "There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around." Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing. "Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father." "Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?" "Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" A voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Bob will be back from vacation tomorrow.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kasandra Beekman, 24, of Northport, Florida Florida Mother Charged After Baby Left in Car With Windows Up NORTH PORT, Fla. — A Florida baby is in state care after authorities say his mother left him in a vehicle with the windows rolled up. Kasandra Beekman, 24, was charged Friday with felony child neglect, according to police. Officers say she left her 8-month-old son in her car with the windows rolled up and the engine turned off Thursday while shopping at a Wal-Mart in North Port. Witnesses called 911, and a store manager and a customer gave the baby first aid until paramedics arrived. The baby was treated at a hospital and released to the Department of Children and Families. Beekman was being held on $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Homer Re: Change CDA to MP3 Dear Webby, How can i change a cda into a mp3? Homer Dear Homer Ripping analog Audio off a CD for digital use requires, "Ripping". Any "Ripping software" will do. There is a huge selection available when you search for it under that name. One that comes to mind is AVS4you. You can download it from AVS4you Don't get caught uploading music ripped from any CD onto any place, where it is available to others. The software is intended for making personal anthologies or collections, for example taking the personal favorites from each of your CDs and putting them together to a day long arrangement for personal use. Have FUN! DearWebby From Nofries about clogged ink cartridges: Hi Dear Webby, Thank you for my morning laugh and your fabulous tech tips! I had my inkjet cartridges refilled at one of those Cartridge World places in a strip mall. One of the cartridges failed to print correctly. I called the store and I was given instructions to unclog the nozzles or whatever was clogged. It worked great! Thought I'd pass along the instructions, maybe Matt can fix his past dated cartridge and use it as a spare. To unclog an inkjet cartridge - 1. Heat up 1/2 inch of water in a small container in the microwave. It needs to be hot - but not boiling. Do not put cartridge in microwave. 2. Place cartridge head in the water and let it soak for 10 - 15 minutes. 3. wipe it off and print something that uses a lot of the color ink you are trying to unclog. I have used this method several times and it works great! A couple notes- if your cartridges go unused for weeks at a time they seem to clog. The amount of water in the dish is important. He said the clogged print heads or nozzles are up about 3/8 of an inch, so the water needs to be deep enough to reach the clog. If it does not work the first time it can be repeated. He also showed me how a new cartridge placed on a soft cloth should leave a line of ink. If it doesn't you are out of ink or have a clog. Finally, make sure you immediately print something that uses a lot of the ink you are trying to unclog as it helps clean the nozzles. I hope this will help someone! Nofries
This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there. She asked her mate:"What would you do if you could go back for just one day?" "I'd go strangle whoever invented bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Track of Children When in Large Crowds When my girls were small, I use to put big colorful ponytail holders and barrettes in their hair so I could see them in a crowd, if we were going somewhere like an amusement park or zoo. By Karen from Bolivar, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dr Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track." "What sort of question?" asked the hostess. "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
» Optical Illusions
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Dear Webby: DropBox 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 22, 2009

Worrying works! 90% of the things you worry about never happen. --- Socratex A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. --- Will Rogers
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "Unfortunately, the month is up today!"
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Thanks to Howard for sendng this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Midland County Sheriff's Office in Texas Deputy fired for photo shoot AUGUST 20--An impromptu photo shoot of a seasonally clad waitress holding a police assault rifle has led to the firing of one Texas sheriff's deputy and the disciplining of four other lawmen. Earlier this month, a group of Midland County Sheriff's Office deputies were eating at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Round Rock when they asked a waitress to pose with an AR-15 rifle on the trunk of their police cruiser. As seen in the below photo, the 24-year-old waitress--who wore a "Bambi" nametag, shorts, knee socks, and a seasonally appropriate shirt--was perched on the trunk of a Midland police cruiser. The automatic weapon, which had been in the trunk of the marked Ford Crown Victoria, was handed to the waitress by Deputy Daniel Subia, who was fired for his role in the August 10 incident. Subia and his colleagues were in Williamson County for a "Criminal Interdiction" training class. I realize that those knee socks are rather tacky, unless they hide tattoos, but it seems rather boneheaded to waste the training and experience of a deputy just because of some harmless sillyness.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donnie Re: Drop Box Dear Webby, Since I trust you for all things Tech-based, I wanted to ask you about My Drop Box and Google phone. I recently received the edited email below from a friend inviting me to participate. Any input or suggestions would be welcomed. The phone deal sounds too good to be free, but I don't find anything about charges/rates at that link. As always, I count on starting my day with the Humor Letter! Donnie Dear Donnie Nice, in theory. And handy for people who are too dumb to figure out how to set up a home network or their own $2 web site. However, if you get caught uploading copyrighted music or movies or software, and giving other people access to your drop box, then you are in very deep shit, like the guy who got sentenced to an almost $300,000 fine early this week for doing that. He had gotten caught with 37 songs in his drop box. So, as long as you just use it as a super slow Redneck home network, you will be OK. Just don't share it with your mother-in-law or anybody who might fink on you, when they get into a snit years later. Re the phone, it does sound good. So far the tech world is not showing the excitement about it that one would expect from that list of features, though. Some are very cautiously trying it, but so far nobody has cheerfully put all their eggs into that basket. After all, SOMEBODY has to pay for all that phone network traffic. Santa sure isn't paying for all the cell towers and the power plants for running them. So the tech world is waiting for the shoe to drop, and see who is going to get stuck with the bill. In the meantime, Skype still works just fine for voice calls, text and file transfers. Have FUN! DearWebby
Overheard in the elevator: I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over the keyboard on my laptop!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Lemon Wedges in the Freezer I wash and dry fresh lemons. Cut them into wedges and deseed them. Toss them into a freezer proof bag or container. Whenever I need a lemon in my drink, I add the frozen wedges. No need to thaw, use them frozen. If you need lemon for cooking/baking, take the wedges out of freezer and let thaw a bit. By Laura from PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sergeant in a parachute regiment regularly took part in night-time exercises. One night he was seated next to a lieutenant, fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, and looked a bit pale, so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", he asked. "No, just a bit apprehensive," said the lieutenant. The sergeant asked, "Does that mean that you are too chicken to admit that you are scared shitless?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer. The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
» Air Show
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Dear Webby: Red X 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 21, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!

It is not selfishness to live as you see fit. Selfishness is insisting that other people live as you see fit. --- Socratex Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. --- Ken Hakuta We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open. --- Harry Edwards The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream. --- Harry Kemp
"How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman asked her friend. "Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, 'I think I would look nicer in something flowing' . . . and I suggested the Mississippi."
When Liz went with her daughter to visit a prestigious university, their student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told them that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended to Liz's daughter to apply early to improve her chances for admission. She said, "We get so many applicants because of the stature and reputation of the school." After the tour Liz asked their guide, "Why did you choose this school?" She said, "Oh, because my boyfriend studied here and now works at McDonalds a block from here."
Thanks to Lillemor for sendng this picture: Goof Balls
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 25 year old car thief in Londn, England Fleeing suspect runs into telephone pole As getaways go, this one wasn't pretty. Nor was it successful. London police say the driver in a stolen car involved in an accident shortly after 2 a.m. yesterday jumped from the car and fled on foot -- smack into a telephone pole. The suspect, Const. Amy Phillipo said, "got up and tried to run again but was arrested." Phillipo said a police officer westbound on Riverside Dr. passed a suspicious eastbound vehicle and turned around to follow it. But before the officer caught up to the car, it was involved in a two-car crash at the corner of Riverside and Beaverbrook Ave. After arresting the suspect, police discovered the car had been stolen earlier from a parking lot on Cherryhill Circle. Police say investigators then linked the same suspect to a second car theft last May 14, when an SUV was taken from a parking lot at the Bob Hayward YMCA on Hamilton Rd. after the keys were taken from a locker inside, along with a credit card that was later used at two big-box stores. Images of two suspects were captured on video surveillance cameras. A man, 25, of no fixed address, is charged with possession of stolen property, theft over $5,000, failing to remain at the scene of an accident, dangerous driving, possession of break and enter tools, theft of a credit card and using a stolen credit card.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wendy Re: Red X Hi Webby hope this finds you keeping cool. I know you have mentioned this before, but I've forgotten. A friend 's pics are coming thru empty with the dreaded red X in the corner. She has been on the phone with Dell twice for a total of 5 hours and of course no one wants to give free info these days. She is running Windows but not Vista, as hers is an older machine, she's a senior and can't afford a new one, so I don't know which version. Your help would much appreciated. Thanks and have a great day. Wendy in NJ Dear Wendy Dell won't be able to help her with that. It's not the fault of the hardware. Her old computer is probably better than the new Vista crap. However, Dell support people are paid by the minute, and they will waste her time as long as possible. Is your friend by any chance a yahoo? Since their last updates a lot of yahoos have that problem, especially when they try to forward pictures that some other yahoo sent to them. Some yahoos get around that problem, usually by dumping the upgrade and going back to the old version, and some have to save the pictures onto their computer first, or something like that. She will have to contact Yahoo support and find out from them how to get around that problem. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over in the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty recognizing him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache, .... oh, and no horns."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Soap With Cookie Cutters With the prices today for everything, I am reminded of a memory of my Grandmother, who is extremely frugal. She saved the leftover slivers of bar soap in an old cereal bag. When she had enough she would recycle them. I loved this. She would melt down all the slivers in a pan and then would pour the melted soap into cookie cutters or small dishes. It would cool and she would have several new bars of soap. And they were also very pretty with all the new color swirls. I would love taking a bath with these new soaps. By Cheap momma from Greeneville, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, and yelled above the noise: "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked in a whisper, "Daddy, why is he brain-washing that baby?"
» Squish This Gallery
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Dear Webby: Ink expiry date 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 20, 2009


If you have to write your ethical rules down, it's already too late. --- Tom Clancy
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Shadows
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter marked "Private, for George only" came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Edward Cook, 58, in Jacksonville, Florida Man Dials 911 For Help Finding Hidden Booze A Florida man was arrested for dialing 911 and asking for help in finding the liquor his family hid from him. The Jacksonville sheriff's office says deputies went to the home of 58-year-old Robert Edward Cook and discovered his family had hidden all the booze in the house because he was drunk. After confirming Cook made the call to get police assistance in finding the alcohol, he was charged with making a false 911 call.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Matt Re: Ink expiry date Dear Webby I must say, that opening your letter every morning is an excellent way to start any day. Now for my question. I've had my hp officejet v40 printer scanner fax and copier for 7 years or so, without a days trouble from it, until I changed the colour cartridge the other day, the brand new cartridge would only print in red. I was told to check the expiry date, by a techi friend, and it was out of date by 6 months. I was then told that my officejet could detect that it was out of date, hence wouldn't print correctly. I then put in another new cartridge, which wasn't out of date, and hey presto it printed perfectly, was this just a fluke? Both cartridges were still in their boxes, sealed. Thanks Matt Dear Matt The expiry date would not cause the printer to go on strike, but a dried up nozzle does. There is a reason they put an expiry date onto the cartridges! They know in what time frame the nozzles clog up when not in use. With liquid ink it's best not to stock up, unless you buy jugs and refill yourself, like we used to do until we switched to Laser. The dry laser toner has no expiry. It is already dry. Have FUN! DearWebby
A group of Winnebago drivers on route back to Florida for the winter were sitting in a truck stop. To blend in with the truckers, they had to complain about something, so they were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own "Whiteboard" You can make little "white boards" with pieces of cardboard that are coated with a slick surface. Or use a piece of metal painted a light color. I recycled several different surfaces, including slick portfolio covers and an old magnetic play board, to use when I was tutoring a lot. Use pens meant for white boards. By Pam from L.A., CA Old cutting boards scraped or sanded, and painted with a marine laquer or varnish, make great indestructible laptop whiteboards. The same works too for room or cabinet doors. Just make sure you use a laquer or varnish, not a latex paint. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had been surprised in the act of making love. "How awful !" exclaimed the wife. "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the guide.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
» Fast Facts
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Dear Webby: Reliable registry 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 19, 2009


The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. --- Henry Kissinger We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. --- Dan Quayle
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr.., it goes.. click!"
The owner of a manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff meeting one day, that he wasn't getting any respect. Next morning morning, he came in with a small sign that read, "I am the Boss!" and taped it to his office door. Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
A little boy was taken to the dentist. The dentist discovered that the boy had a cavity that needed to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" The little boy replied, "Chocolate, please."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tjay Harrison, Hopkins, Minnesota Arrested Man Claims It's His Right To Be Naked HOPKINS, Minn A man who was arrested for indecent exposure told police it was his right as a man to lie naked in a park's volleyball court. Police said several parents and children saw Tjay Harrison naked in a Hopkins, Minn. park Tuesday afternoon. Officers recognized Harrison because they brought him to a hospital last weekend for a mental health check. Police said Harrison fought them during his arrest, and told them it was in his right to resist arrest. Police disagreed, and hauled him away.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ollie Re: Registry Cleanup Dear Webby I get so much mail telling me I need this or that registry program, or warning me that most of them are worse than nothing at all, or outright scams. Which one is the best and can be trusted? Ollie Dear Ollie I tried many, and by far the best one is from Uniblue. You can get it at http://webby.com/uniblue It really makes a difference, and with all the bug fixes that Microsoft pushes at us, you need something reliable to clean up the mess. Have FUN! DearWebby
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. "My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Empty Tissue Boxes for Small Trash Can Don't throw empty tissue boxes away. They can have a second life as perfect little trash cans for a vanity table or bathroom! Having one where you do your makeup makes it so much easier to throw used cotton swabs, eyeliner shavings, etc. neatly away. This is how I use them, but they could probably be used in crafts, too. When it's full, you can just throw it away. By Paula from San Francisco, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Here is a joke that I cleaned up and re-wrote to this version a few years ago and that came back to me now unchanged, just the way I put it: On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
» Speed Traps
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Dear Webby, is it safe to book flights and hotels online? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 18, 2009


Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. --- Sir Winston Churchill
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the neighbors chickens away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered by his chickens after that."
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice. The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Kim-Tashis Harrison, 25, of Jacksonville, Florida 'Mrs. Jesus' arrested at car dealership, charged with fraud She told police she is married to Jesus Christ A Jacksonville woman who said she is Jesus Christ's wife was charged with fraud Monday when she tried to purchase a car with a bad check. Emma Kim-Tashis Harrison, 25, walked into the Coggin Pontiac dealership on Blanding Boulevard looking for some new wheels. She settled on a vehicle that cost almost $70,000, but things hit a snag when she grabbed her checkbook, according to a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office arrest report. A representative from a bank in California informed the dealership's financial manager that the account Harrison supplied was bad. So were the names on the check. It was signed "Mr. and Mrs. Jesus and Emma Christ." Officers who detained Harrison found a host of credit cards and checks in her purse, some issued to Emma Harrison and others made out to Emma Christ. She said she doesn't work but owns "a traveling Web site that people just deposit money into," according to the report. Investigators also discovered Harrison has never had a driver's license. She was charged with organized fraud, forging bank bills and uttering forged bills — all felonies. She remains in the Duval County jail without bail. And where was her husband in all this? She said Jesus Christ would return next week to sign the paperwork and pick up the car.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Clate Re: Online Booking Dear Webby How safe is it to book flights and hotels online? Clate Dear Clate You mean there is another way ? Yes, it is perfectly safe, as long as you deal with the air lines and hotels or hotel chains directly. With more advanced air lines like WestJet you can even print your boarding pass at home, and at the airport just show it and put your luggage on the scale. If you get on their mailing list, they will email you notices of short and long notice specials, that will knock your socks off. However, if you get a $50 flight to Las Vegas, don't count on another special deal for coming back the next day. However, even if you just get one leg of your trip at a deep discount, it still makes a big difference. With hotels online booking is the norm nowadays. That way you can check if the hotel has smoking rooms, High Speed Internet, etc. without finding out the hard way, that they don't. A good deal is Motel 6. They are about $30 - $40 nearly everywhere, but charge $2 - $3 extra for Internet. Don't argue! If you don't like the $2 Internet surcharge, for only $100 more you can go to a $140 a night Holiday Inn Express, where the Internet is included in the price. You also see on their web page whether they have a coffee maker in the room. I usually buy a cheap $10 coffee maker at the start of each trip, and on the last day donate it to the cleaning staff. That way I don't have to select hotels out of my ideal route just because of the coffee maker. But at least I kow in advance wether to leave it in the car or carry it inside. When you book online, you can print out the road map and directions they all have on their sites, which makes it a lot easier if you plan to get there late. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a "birthday/anniversary card." The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of my wife's twenty-ninth birthday."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Deep Clean Your Hair With Baking Soda One of the best tips I have ever gotten though the years (and I've been a tip collector for many years) is one for hair. We spend lots of money for products to remove build up on our hair, but we don't have too. Take a cup of warm water add one tablespoon of baking soda to it and stir, when you get in the shower wet your hair first and don't add shampoo yet, pour the water with the baking soda over your hair and rub into your hair. Do not rinse out. Take your shampoo and apply to hair, then shampoo as usual. This makes your hair feel like new! I found I can do more with my hair after I strip all the gunky stuff out of it. I try to do this at least once or twice a month, more if I use more products. If you go to the weekly beauty shop take along a jar with the soda in and have your stylist to apply it to your hair before shampooing. By Patty from KY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Misprint on sign at drug store: You can be sure of having your prescriptions filled with scare and kill.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?" A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
» Horsehair Art
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Dear Webby: Currency symbols and other fancy characters 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 17, 2009


I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell. --- Harry S Truman By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --- Socrates
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." "Well, to tell you the real truth," the host whispered, " I've forgotten her name."
These are some small snippets from some of the pictures in Walter's new book about the stone carvings in Staglieno. Full of great artwork, Camposanto di Staglieno in Genoa is one of Italy's greatest hidden sculptural treasures. Walter, a subscriber just like you, put together a great art book full of pictures and descriptions. You can order it at http://stonecarver.com/Staglieno.html If you use coupon code webby (all small letters), he will give you $1.50 off. If you go from there to his Facebook page, you'll get another 50 cents off.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Richard Coverdale, 24, of North Yorkshire Engand Sex Offender Busted By Burglars Richard Coverdale, 24, of North Yorkshire in the United Kingdom was sentenced to three-and-a-half years jail after burglars discovered images and videos of child abuse on his laptop and turned it over to police. Coverdale’s laptop was stolen during a burglary on August 19, 2008. However, on examining the contents of the laptop’s hard disk, the thieves discovered pornographic images that were disturbing enough that they felt compelled to turn it over to authorities, by way of a tip off. According to acting Detective Sergeant Chris Stone: Whilst they were carrying out an offence themselves, it is commendable that they did the right thing and this in turn has helped bring a serious offender to justice. In the course of the investigation Coverdale confessed to downloading pictures of children and speaking to girls in chatrooms, one of whom he had exposed himself to via webcam a few days prior to the burglary. Following the incident, the girl in question said that she had felt degraded and humiliated and had resorted to self harm. In sentencing, Judge Brian Forster QC, stated that Coverdale had ‘conducted a calculated scam against the girl’. Coverdale was sentenced to three-and-a-half years jail, banned from working with children for the rest of his life and will be issued with a ’sexual offences prevention order’. Since Coverdale’s arrest, a 38-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman were apprehended in connection with the burglary. Both were sentenced to 12-month community orders, while the woman must also meet regularly with a probation officer.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angie Re: character symbols Dear Webby I don't know the proper name for them, but I need to know how to make the fancy character symbols for Euro, Yen, Pound, etc. You mentioned once that you put together a chart of them. Do you still have them? Thanks Angie Dear Angie Yes, they are still up at http://webby.com/humor/char.html The Euro symbol, € is ALT plus 0128 on the numeric keypad. The Yen ¥ is ALT+0165 The Pound £ is ALT + 0163 If you are handicapped with a Vista laptop, you probably won't be able to get those high characters that way. In that case just go to http://webby.com/humor/char.html, copy whatever character you need, and paste it into your email or document. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Cleaning Cloths Who needs paper towels? This is a truly frugal idea I had several years ago. Do you have old t-shirts waiting for Goodwill sitting around? Cut them horizontally from the bottom of one sleeve to the other, basically harvesting the flat cloth beneath the sleeves. Then cut them down each side on the seam. You will have two larger cloths that you can either hem or not hem. I use these for spills, cleaning, dish washing - whatever! I no longer pay high prices for paper towels. By Diane from Saint Joseph, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?" "98!" Johnson announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . . Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
» Top Ten Hubbel pix
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Dear Webby: Ransom Ware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 16, 2009


I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --- Tom Lehrer Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone . . . "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning, at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . . "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to tell you that I don't HAVE a dog."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jarell Paul Arnold of Anchorage, Alaska Man gives teller ID before robbing bank Aug 13, 7:30 AM (ET) ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) - A 34-year-old man is in custody after authorities say he gave a teller his account number and showed her his picture ID before robbing an Anchorage bank. The FBI says Jarell Paul Arnold of Anchorage is being held on federal bank robbery charges. The FBI alleges Arnold walked into an Alaska USA Federal Credit Union branch Friday and inquired about the balance on his account. The teller asked for his name, account number and ID. Authorities say he complied, and then handed over a receipt with a note on the back that said he had a gun and demanded money. The FBI says he got away with about $600. Authorities arrested Arnold on Monday. Court records say Arnold was sentenced to 57 months in prison for bank robbery in 2004. -------- Sounds like he was homesick for prison!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leesa Re: Ransom Ware Greetings Dear Webby, It's a lovely day in our neck of the woods. Hope it's the same where you are. My daughter's pc suddenly came up with something called Green AV, and they want her to buy it to get rid of it. I know I read something about this malware recently, but am not sure it was in your newsletter. Was it? If not, do you know how to get rid of it short of crashing her pc again? I don't understand how she got infected since we both use the same firewall, and I haven't had any problems ever. Reckon it could be all the game sites she goes to. :-) Anyway, your advice is greatly appreciated. Have a great weekend. Always havin' fun Leesa Dear Leesa Yes, I wrote about Green AV Ransom-Ware last week. http://webby.com/humor/blog/index.php?e ... 810-041912 It is Ransom Ware. Your daughter agreed to the small print (without reading it, of course) and they infected her machine with her permission. Now they want their ransom or moron-tax. Small anti-virus companies can't do anything about it, without getting sued, since she agreed to it. Now she needs to use an anti-virus from a BIG company, who has herds of lawyers to protect them from those crooks. Tell her to try McAfee. I recommended that to the subscriber last week, and he wrote back an hour later telling me that McAfee nuked the Green AV and some other stuff instantly. Have FUN! DearWebby
Grampa was telling his youngest grandson about his terrifying experience with cannibals. "There I was, lost in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by twenty hungry cannibals....." His grandson said, "But last time you told me, there were only ten hungry cannibals." And Grampa said, "Ah, but you were too young then, to know the whole horrible truth!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam rather disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "It certainly wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were two of the best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Dad, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy." Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?" He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
» Best horse pix
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Dear Webby: Windows defrag won't finish 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Saturday,  August 15, 2009


The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are as clever as he is. --- Karl Kraus There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly. --- Terance
Bill walked into a sports bar around 10 P.M. He sat down next to Tammy at the bar and looked up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Tammy looked at Bill and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bill said, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' Tammy replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bill placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as Tammy placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. Tammy was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bill, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' Bill replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' Tammy replied, 'I did too. That really must have hurt! I didn 't think he'd do it again.' Bill took the money.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?"
Thanks to Walter, the StoneCarver for this pictrue: Walter is just back from a marble buying trip to Italy. While there, he took a ton of pictures at the cemetery at Staglieno, the REAL "THE Marble Orchard". He put the pictures and descriptions and his comments pointing out interesting features together into a coffee table book, that will be published later this month. Walter has been a subscriber for about 15 years and promised to arrange a bit of a discount for all subscribers. I'll let you know when I get the details about that. Walter showed me a bit of a preview of the book, and I will definitely buy one, maybe a few extras for Christmas presents. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Anthony Perticone, 46, of Severn, MD Yard sale with burglared stuff SEVERN -- Police said Tuesday that a woman came across a yard sale that included some familiar items -- her own. Officers responded to the woman's house last week in the 800 block of Reece Road. The woman, whose name wasn't released, told Anne Arundel County police that her home and shed had been burglarized and that a "significant amount" of property had been stolen. Two days later, she noticed the yard sale taking place just a few houses away and observed that items being sold had been stolen from her during the burglary, police said. Detectives obtained a search warrant and recovered about $25,000 worth of the victim's property, which was returned to her. David Anthony Perticone, 46, was charged with first-degree burglary, fourth-degree burglary and theft, police said. http://www.wbaltv.com/news/20356806/detail.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harriet Re: Defrag not finishing Dear Webby; my Windows defrag never finishes. I know it quits when the screen saver comes on, but even when I sit there and stare at it like an idiot and move the mouse an inch every few mintes to keep the screen saver rom starting, it always quits some time before finishing. What am I doing wrong, or is there a fix fr that? Harriet Dear Harriet That is pretty normal for the Windows defrag. Especially if you have less than 20% of free space, it usually does not complete the job. You need a good third party disk management program like DisKeeper. I have used it for about 10 years, and never lost a hard drive since I started using it. Before that, I used to loose about one a year. yeah, I know, machines here get used a lot harder than at your place, but the loss of a drive can be just as devastating anywhere. Considering that a drive recovery costs well over $1000, if your data is worth more than $30 to you, get DisKeeper. They are an excellent company, and they even buy me a coffee for every friend I drag in from the rain. The 2009 Home edition costs just under $30 and comes with full Satisfaction Guaranteed Money back warranty. Have FUN! DearWebby
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Kids To Reuse Towels Everyone that has kids, has lots of laundry! I've got four myself. The kids never wanted to pick up their towels and re-use them. I had to get tricky. I now take the towels they use and hang them over other laundry baskets to dry (only takes a day and I usually layer them), then I fold them up and put them back in the closet, like they've just been laundered! Yep, I have to use the laundromat, so it saves me lots and towels make big loads. They still haven't caught on. Source: Source is from one tired mom with lots of laundry! By Christie from Turlock, CA Did you know that a foot square microfiber cloth absorbs a cup of water? I use one as a face cloth / wash-rag in the shower, wring it out and then use it for a quick wipe-down to catch all the drops of water on me, before I step out of the shower. After that, the real towel is mostly for invigorating the skin, and barely gets a bit damp. An hour later, just hanging on the towel rod, that towel is perfectly dry again, and a snappy shake fluffs it quite nicely. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But, if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this here cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
» Magellan Straights
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Dear Webby: MSN Messenger won't stay off 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  August 14, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." --- Scottish Proverb "He who seeks a friend without fault remains without." --- Old Turkish Proverb
Thanks to Cookie for this story: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible Motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from every man in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around and through it in places to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with obvious relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to thank and also explain to my wife again that the word is Sternum."
The groom to be said to his fiancee, "Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that's only going to be worn once?!" "Who says it's only going to be worn once?" "Oh? You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear white the second time!" "No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom." "I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress." "Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!" "Okay, then why don't you wear hers?" "Who wants to get married in that old thing?"
Thanks to Sue for this shot of a baby hummingbird
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me terribly this morning on the telephone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to the pharmacy to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting in line. One little old lady thought I ws trying to get ahead of her in the line and smashed my glasses with her umbrella. I finally got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and so, while I was sitting on the floor in a puddle of perfume and broken glass , I answered it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Powell, 45 of Fort Myers, Florida Sent in by Sandie Patient assaulta doctor Dr. Paul Arnold turned his back for a moment on a patient who was upset because the doctor wouldn't write him a prescription. That's when the patient, Gregory S. Powell, 45, of Fort Myers, allegedly attacked Arnold, 65, biting off part of one of the doctor's fingers. "The doctor just turned his back on him for a moment to do something on the computer and he was viciously attacked," said Sgt. Lisa Barnes, Cape Coral police spokeswoman. Detectives are searching for Powell. They have an arrest warrant charging him with aggravated battery on a person age 65 or older. That charges carries a maximum 30-year prison sentence. The attack was reported by the doctor's staff Wednesday morning at Arnold's office on Cape Coral Parkway. Arnold, who has 29 years of experience, practices family and emergency medicine. Officer Saturino Perez said that, when he arrived, paramedics already were treating Arnold, who was taken to Cape Coral Hospital's emergency room and later released. The doctor said that Powell became "upset about not receiving a certain prescription medication," Barnes said. Powell then "proceeded to bite Doctor Arnold several times, including a bite that actually removed a piece of a finger, including the finger nail," Perez said. Arnold's staff said he is expected back in his office today. Sheriff's deputies were sent to Powell's home at 4833 East River Drive in Fort Myers, but he wasn't there, Barnes said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSN and Norton Dear Webby; I hope you are having a grand day. You sure do brighten my day with your great Humor letter. Thanks so much. I am curious about a couple of things- 1) I opened "control panel' to check on the auto updates for windows. In there I came across a icon for Symantec Live Update". I thought Symantec was part of Norton Antivirus. At one time many years ago I did have Norton but have uninstalled it a long time ago & now have Avast. Is Symantec part of Norton? I did a search on Norton but it showed no files for that. 2) I have gone to the startup menu & disabled all the ones I do not think are necessary but my Msn messenger will not stay unchecked. Every time I restart my pc it is checked again. I have even gone to the messenger page to make sure it should not auto sign me in. Is there someway to keep it unchecked or should I contact msn about this. I really do appreciate your advice. Have a purrfect day Sharon Dear Sharon Yes, Symantec and Norton are the same, just trying to fool their victims with a different name. The program is not really bad, but I loathe anything that does not allow you to completely and cleanly uninstall it. Just use the Norton Remover from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Re MSN: Microsoft says: How can I stop MSN Messenger from starting automatically Click the Tools menu, and then click Options. In the left pane, click General. Under Sign In, clear the Automatically run Messenger when I log on to Windows check box. Click OK. Sometimes that works the way they claim it theoretically should. With MSN messenger, be extremely careful if you use it at a friend's place or cyber cafe. It likes doing it's Lazarus act and rise from the dead after you are gone. Always change your password immediately after using MSN messenger on a strange machine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Roland for this one: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Waste Water in Your Garden A great tip for water drought areas. When taking a bath, save the water! Plants love the soap to kill off insects and salts for the nutritional value. We drink tea, soft drinks, milk, etc. and save those containers. After your bath, emptying your kids pool, after boiling potatoes, corn, eggs etc. let the water cool down. Then water your plants. I will get about 12 gallons from one bath. Why let it go down the drain? Use it on your flowers or veggies. Reuse your dishpan water also. When you get in the habit of doing this you would be amazed on how much would have gone to waste down the drain. By Doreen from Bartow, FL If you divert your grey water into your rain barrel, try to use it up every day and keep it covered. It attracts bugs and can get quite smelly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. Assisted by the cab driver, she gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
» Super Moms
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Dear Webby: Microsoft Mail problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 13, 2009

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. -- Jerome K. Jerome If you have clear skies tonight, watch for the Perseids meteor shower.
Bambi, a young lady sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here over my heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Bambi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution, "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. Then I suggested that she try carrying several things at once." The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now, I do it in seven."

A friend and I were driving to the mall when we came to a bridge under construction. The road narrowed to one lane, with a red light at either end. We stopped at the red light at on our side and when it turned green we started up again. Halfway through we met another car coming towards us. The driver leaned out his window and shouted, "I don't back up for idiots!" Putting his car into reverse, my friend called back, "No problem. I know how to do that."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Derrick Johnson, 31, and Lewis Bell, 41 from Rochester, NY Sent in by Karl Two inmates charged in plot to kill taxi driver, woman Two Monroe County Jail inmates are charged with plotting to kill a taxi driver one allegedly robbed and a woman who turned him in. In a sealed indictment opened Monday, Derrick Johnson, 31, and Lewis Bell, 41, were charged with two counts of the felony of second-degree conspiracy to commit murder. County Court Judge Alex R. Renzi ordered them held without bail after they pleaded not guilty. If convicted, they face up to 25 years in prison, said Assistant District Attorney Douglas A. Randall. The indictment alleges that from May 1 to June 17 Johnson and Bell enlisted the help of another inmate who arranged for them to meet a "hitman" who agreed to kill the taxi driver and woman for $5,000. The hitman, however, was an investigator from the District Attorney's Office.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shields Re: Microsoft Mail problem Dear Webby, help! My laptop received for Father's Day has gone on the fritz and will neither send or receive e-mail. Instead, I get a pop-up informing me that I need a name and password to use the program. I have never, knowingly, created such in the use of my email's, previously. The only possible means of this suddenly appearing may be due to the downloading of a program which might have included this delimma. But I am at a loss to figure out what this particular program might be. Neither am I able to insert an email address and password to comply with such a request, since I am at a loss to locate said item in my computer. Shields Dear Shields I don't do support for Vista and Microsoft Mail, because I am not familiar with them. Unfortunately, you will have to contact Microsoft Support about that. Good Luck! DearWebby
A young executive is leaving the office one evening when he comes across the company president standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," says the president, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper and presses the start button. "Excellent, excellent," says the president as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Shoe Holder to Organize Photographs I bought a shoe holder that I could hang on the back of my office door and instead of putting shoes in it, I use it to organize my photographs. I can find any picture that I'm looking for within a minute or two. From the shoe holder, I take the pictures and put them in photo albums. The shoe holder can be used to store all sorts of things, not just photographs. Store office supplies like scissors, stapler, pens, pencils, white out, etc. Bathroom supplies like door brushes, combs, extra soap, toothpaste, make-up, etc. By Carolee from Alabama Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the most powerful prayin' I ever did was while hangin' upside down from a power pole."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife mumbled, "but it sure gets awfully crowded in there!"
» Now see this!r
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Dear Webby: Firefox won't send 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 12, 2009

The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values. --- Dean William Ralph Inge All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." --- Galileo Galilei No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. --- Helen Keller
An "air freshener" salesman goes to an executive building to market his product to a prospective buyer. He steps in to an empty elevator and presses the 10th floor button. Just as the doors close, he lets out a God-awful fart. He then can feel the elevator stopping on the fifth floor and he knows that someone will be stepping on so he quickly sprays his new "Pine-Scented" air freshener to cover his tracks. The person that was on the 5th floor steps onto the elevator. The salesman decides that this is a good opportunity to test his product's quality so he asks the man, "excuse me sir, could you kindly tell me what you smell?" The man replies, "Yeah, smells like a turkey with diahrea hiding in a Christmas Tree".
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Angus McInnes asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: It's that time of year, parent birds feeding their young. Sue
This is a classic from the days of CB "Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling." The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked. "Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a pushy Londoner in England Man who pushed woman through shop window dies A man died when he was impaled on a large shard of glass after throwing a woman through the window of a shop in the West End of London early yesterday morning. The 30-year-old victim was seen arguing with the woman in the Regent Street area of London’s West End shortly after 2am today. Witnesses told police he hurled the woman against the window of a branch of Banana Republic up to three times. After several blows, the glass shattered and the couple fell through, leaving the man fatally wounded. Members of the public flagged down a police patrol, which went to the shop at the junction of Regent Street and Great Marlborough Street. Paramedics also attended but the man was pronounced dead at the scene. A post-mortem examination will take place today. The woman, also aged 30, who lived in Central London was released from hospital after receiving treatment for multiple minor cuts.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann S Re: Firfox not sending Dear Webby Thanks for all the work you do to bring us your Daily Letter. I use the latest version of Firefox and made that my main browser. But when I click on send link, nothing happens, is this normal for firefox??? Thanks Ann S Dear Ann FireFox is just a browser, not an email program. You can use ANY email program with it. Whatever email program you set as the default, that is what it will use. For a list of email programs, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_e-mail_clients It is not a complete list, of course. That would be overwhelming. For example Corel Word Perfect Office Suite also has pretty good and industrial strength email built in. You can get the ENTIRE Corel Word Perfect Office Suite for $16 at various places, for example http://www.royaldiscount.com/woofx3stoem.html That includes Quattro, the world's best spreadsheet for over 20 years. My own favorite is Eudora, and has been since the early 90's. If I couldn't use Eudora, I would use Pegasus. Pegasus also has been around since about 90 or 91, and they have worked out their bugs years before Microsoft came up with OE. It too is 100% independent and in no way tied in with IE or Messenger or any other product. Pegasus has always been free and just supported by grateful donations from happy users. Have FUN! DearWebby
I noticed the neighbor down the street was sitting on his porch all day every every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out his boss got sick and tired of him.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Old DVDs and Books I went through my books and DVDs and had some electronics I no longer use. I have made several hundred dollars by selling them on Amazon, eBay and Craigslist! By Kat from Pittsburgh, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

For the second time in a row, Jill was forced to impose on the woman with whom she carpooled to her children's soccer practices. Jill phoned and explained that her husband had the car again, so she wouldn't be able to take her turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up her son, her husband showed up. Since it was too late for her to call and say she could drive after all, Jill asked her husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. She also explained to her son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, her husband forgot and was in front of the house chatting with a friend when her carpool partner arrived. When her son returned from practice, Jill asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't really know for sure."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor. "My local General Practitioner." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you."
» Flower Power
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Dear Webby: Vista complaint 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 11, 2009

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --- Oscar Wilde You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. --- John J. Plomp If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers
How was your trip to New Jersey?" "Well, a mugger stopped me and said, 'Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out.' " "What did you do?" "I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away." "Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot?" "Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New Jersey, but you can't get along without money."
An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi", he says when he sees him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?" "Yes, I do," says the rabbi. "Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent. "Yes, he is,"says the rabbi. "Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent. "I can assure you that he will!" says the rabbi.
Thanks to Nita for this picture:
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lawrence Neal, 45, of Detroit, Michigan Robber caught by his own seatbelt EASTPOINTE, Mich. (AP) - Authorities said a purse snatching suspect being chased by police near Detroit got his right leg tangled in his car's seat belt when he tried to bail out and ended up being dragged several hundred feet. Police told the Detroit Free Press and The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens that 45-year-old man Lawrence Neal of Detroit was dragged Thursday night and broke his leg before the car stopped on a front lawn. Neal was being held at the Macomb County Jail. He was charged with unarmed robbery, fleeing and eluding and resisting and obstructing police. Police said he requested a court-appointed attorney.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Vista too slow Dear Webby We bought a Vista computer, mainly because we could not quite afford an XP computer. Why are those so much more expensive? We found out the hard way, that we should have listened to you. Vista might be good enough for somebody, who has never had an XP, but we hate it. And NOBODY will buy a used Vista machine! What can we do? Darlene Dear Darlene The only reason that XP machines are more expensive is the demand for them. They don't need anything special, and as you probably remember, when you bought your XP years ago, it was getting work done faster than your Vista machine with probably twice as fast a CPU, and twice as much RAM. Spend $80 - $100 on a new hard drive, after making sure it is EIDE, just like the old drive in it. Then install the XP setup into it. It will be just as fast as when you originally bought it, but have a much bigger hard drive. If that sounds like too much work, contact jerome@spiritscents for a quote. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked ashen they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1 !"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refill Lip Gloss Case with Homemade Gloss My daughter is 5 years old and loves all of the sparkly and colorful lip glosses that come in cute cases with her favorite characters on them. The problem is that these glosses are terrible for her lips! They are very low quality and drying to her lips. So I cleaned them out of the case, and took a little Aquaphor gel and mixed it with just a bit of my own lipstick (I took a small scrape off the bottom with a q-tip). Then I mixed them together and they were colorful and moisturizing to her lips. We put them back in the cases and they work great! I even use them for my dry lips. By Sally R. from Edwardsville, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Government?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "No, no, no," said the teacher. "I mean, how many members does the Government have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches anyway?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hand to his chin and says, "I have had it up to HERE with the Government!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway..."
» Nature's Temperaments
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Dear Webby: AV-Green Ransom-ware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 10, 2009

Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. --- Abraham Lincoln Appreciative words are the most powerful force for good on earth! --- George W. Crane There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. --- Robert Benchley
The Woodstock Music Festival is 40 years old this summer. Those who attended have changed quite a bit. They still do drugs. But now there's a $15 co-pay.
Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, I think you are beautiful." "Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" "A good report card next month," he replied.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and keep the gas tank empty until Monday.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chicago Blackhawks Patrick Kane, 20, from Buffalo, NY Beat up and robbed BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP)—Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane was charged with attacking a cab driver in his hometown Sunday, a beating that police said was triggered when the driver did not have 20 cents in change to give the player and his cousin. Kane, the NHL's best rookie in 2008, was charged with robbery and other counts following an altercation with a cab driver in his hometown of Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo police said the 20-year-old Kane and a 21-year-old cousin, James Kane, had apparently caught a cab from the city's downtown nightclub district at about 4 a.m. Sunday. The cab driver suffered cuts to his face and his glasses were damaged after being struck in the face and head, police spokesman Michael DeGeorge said. Both men were charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor counts of theft of services and criminal mischief. Patrick Kane pleaded not guilty in City Court on Sunday, WIVB-TV reported. It was not immediately clear when James Kane will appear in court. The driver said he was punched and hit by both men because he did not have 20 cents in change to give them, according to the police report. ---------- I hope the Blackhawks turf the uncivilized runt, and don't let the punk give hockey a bad name!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Green AV Ransom Ware Dear Webby Hope all is well with you. Love receiving your newsletter & tech tips. May I ask your opinion? My wife's PC has been infected with Green AV. I ran Spybot a couple of times to no avail. I Googled it and saw some info that removing it is difficult even for professionals. Would you have any tips or insights into removing this? Thanks Mark Dear Mark Spybot-Search&Destroy only gets rid of spyware. For Ransom-ware and viruses you need McAfee or or a similar anti-virus program. Have FUN! DearWebby Dear Webby You rock. I installed McAfee and it nailed the junk instantly. You have just made my wife very happy. Normally, that's my job albeit I happily defer to you today. Thanks for all you do. Mark
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Baby Dresses for Toddler Tunic Tops Check for Energy Draining Devices at Night Cutting back on your electrical usage can be easy if you know where to look. This exercise must be done after dark, with the lights off, if possible. Walk around each room and look for red or green lights on appliances and electrical devices. Your television, cable box and the DVD player, coffee maker and electric toothbrush charger, etc. probably all have the indicators, which mean your appliances are pulling electricity even when not in use, adding dollars to your electric bill. These phantom energy drains can be a large part of your annual energy bill. Evaluate how important each device is and consider unplugging. If that is too drastic, plug similar devices into a power strip and turn the strip on when you are ready to use the television and DVD player, for example. You may be pleasantly surprised when you receive your next bill. A little inconvenience can add up to BIG savings. By SK from Prospect, KY Your shin-banger's marathon might be good exercise for you, but it won't make a noticeable difference on your electrical bill. Sure, if you have a really old TV, unplug it, if you want. As for the rest, they all use pulsed LEDs that use less than a tenth of the power your watch uses. To save 12 cents a year, I am not going to turn into a shin-banger. If you want to save electriciy, replace regular switches with motion detector switches. Pantry, kitchen, hallway, doors, etc, all benefit from timely turn-offs. The biggest difference, though, is going after the big power users like stove, dryer, and especially the hot water heater. Pre-heating the water that goes to the water heater with solar or the waste heat from AC, fridge and freezer makes an instant and drastic difference. Just moving the water heater from the cold basement to the hot attic usually shaves $10 a month off your electrical bill. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter. She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!" The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them." The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!
» Mural Gallery
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Dear Webby: Print Screen Problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 9, 2009

You cannot get ahead while you are getting even. --- Dick Armey Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. --- Robert Frost Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. --- Mark Twain
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way about my mother moving in with us."
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in SICK yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
Thanks to Janina for this picture: Dear Webby! We recently vacationed in Seaside on the Oregon coast and experienced the thrill of seeing pelicans, seagulls, albatross and most thrilling was the daily visit of a bald eagle! Thanks again for all your great advice and humor! Keep up all the fun! Janina from New Jersey
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Keith Griffin, 48, of Jensen Beach, Florida Fla. man blames cat paws for child porn downloads Aug 7, 2:07 PM (ET) JENSEN BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Florida investigators say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat. Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer. According to a sheriff's report Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. He said he had left the room and found "strange things" on his computer when he returned. Griffin is being held on $250,000 bond in the Martin County jail. -------------- While you obviously can't blame 1000 pictures on a cat, I do remember an incident where a cat did cause some hilarity. In the early 90's there was a very advanced communication program called PowWow. That was before ICQ and Windows Messenger. It was actually quite advanced and had features even Skype still doesn't have yet. One of the features were "Macros". For example, I was able to save lengthy tech support responses as function key macros. Some friends in Texas had a mother, two sons, a daughter and a friend seated around a big table, each with their own computer. The mother and daughter were building web pages and occasionally asking me questions. The rest of them conferenced into our chat now and then, but usually kept to themselves. The boys started assigning cusswords to macros and had cussword fights amongst themselves. They got quite creative, colorful and descriptive, until one day their cat walked between a keyboard and a monitor, and switched their private cussword war to full conference. Their sister thought they were attacking her, and she was no slouch at all in cussing back.. You can probably imagine the pandemonium! It all got sorted out, though, before any blood was spilled onto keyboards. There sure were some red faces around that table, all because of that kitten.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Send picture of the desktop Dear Webby Thanks for all you assistance again but... still can't seem to get it to work, maybe my Fn key is not functioning but it just will not copy over to email. Thanks again, Cookie Dear Cookie Just plug in a regular keyboard. Those silly laptop keyboards are not only unreliable nuisances, they damage your wrists! Regular keyboards are $1-$5 at yard sales, and $9.95 - whatever online. I always take a regular keyboard with me, even into the desert. Just plug in a regular keyboard. Those silly laptop keyboards are not only unreliable nuisances, they damage your wrists! Regular keyboards are $1-$5 at yard sales, and $9.95 - whatever online. I always take a regular keyboard with me, even into the desert. The problem could also be with your email. If it is strictly text and not a full featured program like good old Eudora, then you have to open a graphics program and paste the screen capture into, or as a new picture. Then you can save and attach that picture to your email. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30 p.m. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dangit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Baby Dresses for Toddler Tunic Tops My daughter received a lot of dresses in her first year of life. Rather than wear them once and pass them on, we are re-using them as tunic tops, now that they are too small to wear as dresses. What was a darling dress at 6 months old, is now an adorable shirt at 18 months! It helps me save money on the wardrobe and keep my daughter stylin'. By Alana from Avon, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. She came home and said to her mother, "I'm wasting my time. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence while he threw a long glance at his gnarled hands on the steering wheel. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved...."
» Cask, Keg or Barrel
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Dear Webby: How do I send a screen shot of my desktop? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 8, 2009

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. --- Bob Wells Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. --- Bill Watterson
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Joe was hospitalized for a few days, and his wife reported that his dog really missed him. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," he replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," his wife answered, as she grabbed the rolling pin, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: The Canadian Eastern Kingbird are bold aggressive fly catchers. They perch in one spot constantly looking around and then flying out to catch insects in the air. I have yet to catch one miss their prey. Sue
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to AARP in Dallas, Texas AARP refuses to listen AARP scheduled a "We want to listen to our members" meeting in Dallas, Texas for August 4. When the seniors wanted to ask questions or voce their feelings, the AARP staff got into a snit and walked out. They had expected a few docile old fogies to politely applaud after AARP delivered the prepared dictates, not people actually talking just because AARP had promised to listen to them. The video doesn't show any KGB agents strutting in and arresting people on the spot for standing up, but they took the microphone and left. Here is video of that AARP meeting. http://snipurl.com/pdw4q [www_breitbart_tv] I can imagine that a lot of people tore up their AARP membership cards before the evening was over, and that a lot more will soon.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Send picture of the desktop Dear Webby Is there a way I can send someone a shot of my desktop? Thanks in advance for your help again. Cookie Dear Cookie Yes, sure. Hit the PrintScreen key Go into your email or any graphics program and hit the Paste button on your mouse or CTRL V. That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organize Your Shopping List By Aisle Next time you go to the grocery store, take a little extra time to write down the main items of each aisle, and area. When you get home, type it out in the order you shop in the store. Make copies of this and you can just check off or highlight the items you need each week and save time of making a list, and being able to read it. If you shop at several stores, make one for each store. By K from Leavenworth, WA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another male chauvinist pig trying to keep suppressing the independence of a woman by implying she is obligated to be grateful for a lousy seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.Finally, the man says, "Lady, you'll have to go harass somebody else now. I'm past my stop already and got to get off the bus."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife says, "Six and a half weeks."
» America's Treasures
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Dear Webby: How do I make a screensaver from a movie? 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  August 7, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. --- Socratex
Just before his scheduled operation, a man is wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair. A nurse stops him and asks, "What's the matter?" The man tells her, "I heard another nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three- year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
Thanks to Donnie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Millison, 45, of Drexel Hill, Pa. Encore Robbery Pa. convict charged with robbing same bank UPPER TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) - A Pennsylvania man who served nearly six years in prison for robbing a southern New Jersey bank has been arrested in a recent robbery of the same bank. Forty-five-year-old John Millison of Drexel Hill, Pa., was arrested Tuesday by FBI and state and local police on charges in the July 27 robbery of a PNC Bank branch in Upper Township near Ocean City, N.J. He also was charged with robbing a supermarket pharmacy the same day as the bank. Millison had been released from prison in November after serving a sentence in the 2003 robbery of the bank. He was being held on $200,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dave Re: Movie to screensaver Dear Webby Hope all is well. DO you know how you can get an MWV file to be used as a Screensaver (in XP)? Thanks, Dave Dear Dave Yes, sure. There are quite a few programs that will turn a wmv into an exe, however, I don't know of any free ones that work with any reasonable reliability. I used to use Axialis. At that time it was quite expnsive.. Now it is $40 and probably even better than it was 10 years ago. Try Axialis Have FUN! DearWebby
A married college student, noticeably pregnant, keeps rubbing her side during a final exam. Before she leaves, the professor asks if she is OK. "I noticed you were holding onto your side," he says. "Oh, I'm fine," she answers. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor says, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yes," she continues. "It's strange. We both normally sleep during your class."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to the Folks from Erie for this one: WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY! My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Parents work hard to give their children a better life than they had . . . then complain about how easy the kids have it.
» Maze Gardens
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Dear Webby: Slow back-up 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 6, 2009

Only the shallow know themselves. --- Oscar Wilde We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. -- John W. Gardner
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He looked at her soberly for a time. "I know this must hurt," she said, trying to soften the blow. "Oh, it's not that," he said. "It's just that I wasn't planning on spending quite that much."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sherry McNeal, 47, of Chester, Pennsylvania Naked, drunk, and locked out Dressed in white fishnet stockings - and nothing else - a Delaware County woman who police say was drunk and who repeatedly threw herself at the front door of a locked Ridley Park home brought them to the scene last week when neighbors believed she was trying to burgle the residence. As it turned out, the woman, Sherry McNeal, 47, of Chester, was a guest at the house of John Litwin, 48, of Pomeroy Street near Kenny. Litwin also was drunk, police said, when he finally came to the door, though he was clothed. "Neither [McNeal nor Litwin] had any idea how the naked female got outside," Ridley Park Police Chief Tom Byrne said. Officers responded to reports of a burglary about 12:20 a.m. on July 29 and heard kicking sounds on a nearby door. McNeal was launching her body against Litwin's door, claiming to be locked out of the home, police said. Litwin, who allegedly heard officers knock but not McNeal's full body slams, emerged from the house, also inebriated, Byrne said. McNeal and Litwin said they had no idea how she had gotten out of the house, barely clothed, or how she had been locked out, police said. "Both subjects were cited for disorderly conduct and advised to stay in for the night," Byrne said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: Slow back-up Dear Webby I got that Mozy off-site back-up, that you recommended, to back up my computer and then restore it onto my new one. All I am backing up is about 220 Gigabytes, but it says it will take over a week! Why is it that slow? Linda Dear Linda The back-up speed depends on your connection speed, and also on your ISP. If your ISP jumps to the conclusion that your huge file transfer looks like you are distributing stolen music or software, they might slow your connection down to discourage that kind of activity. That is often done automatically, but they can check, if you ask them. However, 220 GigaBytes is indeed a very huge back-up. Normally you just back up important data, files you created, mail, address books, and stuff like that. Pictures, music, movies, and software, don't change. They don't need weekly or daily back-ups. You can burn them onto CDs or DVDs and keep them in a deposit box. The online off-site backups are intended for automatic back-ups of stuff that changes occasionally. If you do let it run until the back-up is completed, the next time it runs, Mozy will only back up what has changed since the previous back-up. That might take just minutes. Have FUN! DearWebby
The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!" He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Always Live Below Your Means Always live beneath your means. Sociologically it has been proven that people who are at the top of a lower income group are more satisfied than those at the bottom of an upper! But also remember Shakespeare's advice to wear "garments costly as your purse can buy" because you want to make a good impression out in the world! (But they don't have to know HOW you finagled those costly garments, do they?) By Pamphyila from Los Angeles, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening." Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that." "Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,''Stop,' and 'Don't!....'"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus were each smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" Her friend ttold her that she could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel..." The pharmacist fainted.
» Eivoli
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Dear Webby: File Shredder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 5, 2009

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours. --- Socratex
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where Jill works, she asks the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she prints it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when she asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine Jill's surprise, when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station screaming: "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that you always have a headache next morning after wearing that suit!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Terrace Moiuntain, BC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a sleepy car thief in South Australia Dumb place to sleep A dozy Australian thief has been arrested, after police say they caught him asleep at the wheel of a stolen car - in a car wash. South Australia Police say the 30-year-old man drove the Audi convertible into an automatic car wash in the early hours of Monday morning, and then apparently nodded off. A service station attendant called the police at 3 a.m. when he noticed the car hadn't moved for an hour. The police said in a statement that the car had two different license plates, and that police discovered it had been reported stolen in July. They woke the man and arrested him on charges of illegal use and theft of the car. He has been released on bail and will face court in September.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandie Re: Correction re shredder Dear Webby, there is no shredder in Crap Cleaner! Sandie Dear Sandie You are right. Since I gave up terrorism at age 4, I have never encountered a need to shred any files, I got the programs for that mixed up. The Shredder is in Spybot-Search&Destroy. Sorry about that! Have FUN! DearWebby
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Old Tissue Paper Look Like New While making gift bags for the local nursing home, I realized I had a lot of tissue paper from events past. All the pretty colors and patterns, I couldn't bear to throw it away so I flattened it out and decided to iron it. Worked like a charm. Take 3 sheets of tissue paper put them together put iron on polyester with a tad of steam. Iron on both sides. The one in the middle will be perfect too. Fold it accordion style and bingo: recycled tissue. When you think of how much of this stuff goes to the land fill every year, this is a good way to recycle. By Dancer from TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab the gorilla's groin and not let go. The gorilla will then be sidetracked enough for me to put a rope on him and winch him into the cage in the back of the van." So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun, and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
» Pinch Hit Moms
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Dear Webby: How to really clean out deleted files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 4, 2009

Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream. --- Malcom Muggeridge The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post. --- L. Thomas Holdcroft
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he barked at him: "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
Lady: Waiter, please bring me coffee without cream. Waiter: I'm afraid we've run out of cream. Would you like it without milk?
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to New York City Back Assward Law WASHINGTON - If you have a big 20-year-old TV in your basement, then New York City's new electronic recycling law may help with the spring cleaning. All you'll need to do is contact the manufacturer, who will be required to remove it, and probably send over a delivery truck to pick it up for free. Two industry groups that represent electronic makers are livid about the law, and in a federal lawsuit filed Friday, they argue that there is no way that they should be responsible for recycling all the electronics ever made, or at least what survives under the beds and in the closets of millions of NYC residents. The E-waste program requires manufacturers to collect from residents any electronics that weigh more than 15 pounds. The law applies to all previously purchased electronics. The potential amount of e-waste in NYC amounts to an estimated 1.3 million televisions, computers and other electronic equipment totaling 47.9 million pounds annually, according to the lawsuit. Items weighing less than 15 pounds will be either mailed-back or left at a drop-off point established by a manufacturer. The law was passed in 2008 and is due to take effect next year. The exact date is contingent on city approval of manufacturer recycling plans. The law will prohibit NYC residents from disposing of electronic waste in the trash. In states and in other countries, where legislators are smarter than turnips, laws have required sellers of awkward items (monitors, refrigerators, freezers, Air Conditioners, etc) to charge the buyer a disposal fee for a dozen or more years, and the governments there distribute those funds to local and national recycling centers. In NYC they expect manufacturers to cover the lack of similar past fee collection requirements by raising the prices on future sales. To cover disposal costs for items sold 30 years ago, they would have to charge $200 fees on all new items. All that would do is make everybody in NYC to go for a little drive and buy outside NYC, forcing manufacturers to raise prices across the entire USA, just to pay for the socialist parasites in NYC, who expect the grown-ups to pay for them..
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Really get rid of deleted files Dear Webby, I remember that there used to be a way to go to Find/Search and type in something that would bring up everything that had been so called deleted from the recycle bin. One could go there to retrieve things that were accidentally deleted, and also to get back deleted email. I forget what one typed in the Find/Search to get there tho. It is a good idea to go there and delete everything from there, to really really get rid of it all off the harddrive. Can you help me to with the wording to get back in there again? Thanks loads, Jai Dear Jai Just click on the recycle bin and dump it. If you have highly sensitive files about the moonshining operation in the back yard, or the house of ill repute, that you do the book keeping for, or any files you don't want the revenuers to find, then you can use the shredder that is in CrapCleaner and really make them unrecoverable. There is no other way. Once you have shredded something with CrapCleaner, it's gone for good. Your sordid past has been cleaned up and even the CIA can't resurrect any incriminating evidence. Have FUN! DearWebby
The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs. He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hand Sanitizer for Sticky Hands Use hand sanitizer on your hands after you've eaten, to get rid of sticky messes when you don't have soap and water available. It removes all traces of "stickiness" and works when dry napkins or paper towels by themselves just don't work. By Truerblue from PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A country woman passed out and her husband,Bubba, called 911. The operator said they would send someone out right away and asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally, Bubba said, "How about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A lady was driving from her husband's office to the kids' school, with twelve youngsters in the car, when she blew past a stop sign, and a police car. Much to the delight of the kids, the police officer pulled her over, wrote her a ticket, lectured her on traffic safety, and finished by saying, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?" Tomato red in the cheeks, the embarrassed woman said, "Officer, only seven of them are mine!"
» Rift Valley
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Dear Webby: Restore hover text 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 3, 2009

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted." --- Mary O'Connor
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask. Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?" God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time." Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?" Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid." Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?" God answered quickly and with a firm voice, "Not in My life time."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeremiah Romero, 29 of Albuquerque, New mexico Security Camera star ALBUQUERQUE, NM -- An Albuquerque, New Mexico man accused of stealing security cameras may have a tough time in court explaining why his face appears in the surveillance footage. It's the middle of the day outside Pat Hurley Community Center and police say 29-year-old Jeremiah Romero and another female suspect are looking for electronics. They have their eye on a security camera, video shows the two casing out the area. As the woman stands as a lookout, the camera is violently jerked and ripped from the wall. But taking one camera wasn't enough. Later that day they returned for a second camera, say police. As the camera comes down, it captures a picture of the suspect, 29-year-old Jeremiah Romero. You can even see a crowbar in his hand. "We could not ask for a better panoramic view of someone's facial identity," said Commander Conrad Candelaria of the Albuquerque Police Department. A community center worker who saw Romero in the video later spotted him at a local business and called police. Officers are still looking for his accomplice. Police have not found the cameras, which are worth about $2,100.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Noella Re: Lost hover text Dear Webby, I so appreciate your help in times past. My question is about hovering over a link in a web page. I no longer see the address of the link in the bar at the bottom of the page, in fact, there is no bar at the bottom of the page. How do I get that back? Thanks again, Noella Dear Noella In FireFox you click on VIEW, StatusBar Have FUN! DearWebby
The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness. The attorney asked:"Was the deceased in the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," said Kelly. "Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
» Rift Valley
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Dear Webby: Slow Defrag 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 2, 2009

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure." --- Socratex Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --- Jane Wagner I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. --- G. K. Chesterton
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots."
Stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalkin around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, "Yeah, two males and tthree females". Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "Tho were on a beer can and three were on phones".

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stormy Daniels, Tampa, Florida Too high profile to get away with domestic disturbance TAMPA — The cuffs may have been familiar but not the circumstances for porn star Stormy Daniels when Tampa police arrested her Saturday on domestic battery charges. Police say Daniels came home after 7 p.m., confronted her husband about an unpaid bill and began throwing things in their home at 2804 W Wyoming Ave. She told officers she was just trying to get the car keys that her husband was holding over his head and accidentally hit him in the face several times, according to the arrest report. Her husband was not hurt, but Daniels was taken to the Hillsborough County Jail, where she was booked under the off-screen name Stephanie Gregory Clifford, and posted $1,000 bail Sunday afternoon. The porn movie actor and director grabbed national headlines last year when she announced she may run for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana in 2010. She would be vying against Sen. David Vitter, who has his own sexual issues after being linked to the high-profile D.C. Madam in 2008. "Somebody is going to pay for this!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Slow Defrag Dear Webby, Got a question for you..... The other-day my niece gave me her Acer Laptop, and told me that she had some problems with her USB, Speakers, and whatever I could find. So as the story goes.... I got her USB solved by doing "Scan for hardware Changes!" Then I found out that she blew her laptop speakers..... but the funny thing here was that she told me that her windows media player was playing very slowly.... ? Well so the i went into her c: drive and started to defrag.....after it went to analyzing period it showed that she has not done this at all..... well so I had to defrag this, but it took about 24 hours.... I was like Wow! So can you please tell me why this happened? PS. I truly baby sit this laptop til this was over...... Eddie Dear Eddie Sounds like that laptop has not enough elbow room. It needs a place to put stuff during the defrag. Do you expect it to mail stuff to cousin Elmer and then get it back when it has made room for another file to go into it, without breaking it into 17 pieces? Also keep in mind that the Windows defrag is rather flakey. It's not like Diskeeper. With Windowse defrag you are lucky if you can keep it going until it finishes. Tell her to dump all music and movies and pictures, that she has not used in the last three months, onto CDs, and get at least 20% free space. If she can afford $30, she should get Diskeeper. It runs whenever the screen saver comes on, and keeps the machine tuned up. Then the problems will stop and everything will work a lot smoother. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Foam for Your Cappuccino If you want a less expensive way to get some "foam" on your coffee or cappuccino at home, just whip some warm milk in your blender until it's frothy and top your drink with it! By Robin from Washington, IA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sweet young lady who had just been shopping is pulled over by a traffic cop and given a ticket for speeding. Rather than fight the ticket, the woman writes a check for the amount of the fine and puts it in the mail. However, the young woman is worried. Her husband always examines her checkbook carefully, and she doesn't want him to know about the incident. Then inspiration strikes, and she scribbles on the check stub: "One pullover, $125."
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Kim was telling her friend how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."
» Close Enoughs
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Dear Webby: retrieving deleted files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 1, 2009

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. --- Henry Kissinger If God had intended for man to use the metric system, he would have given us 10 commandments, not 12. --- Hillary Clinton
A tenderfoot scout is on his first camping trip. As soon as he has pitched his tent, he goes for a hike in the woods. In about 15 minutes, however, he rushes back into camp, bruised, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asks his patrol leader. "I was chased by a black snake," the frightened boy cries. The older boy smiles. "A black snake isn't deadly," he says "Listen," the tenderfoot groans. "If it can make you jump off a 50-foot cliff, it is."
During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Iguazu Falls, Argentina
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicholas Sparks, 25, of Burt, NY Texting driver crashes into car, house and pool Jul 30, 2:57 PM (ET) LOCKPORT, N.Y. (AP) - Police said a Buffalo-area tow truck driver was texting on one cell phone while talking on another when he slammed into a car and crashed into a swimming pool. Niagara County sheriff's deputies said 25-year-old Nicholas Sparks of Burt admitted he was texting and talking when his flatbed truck hit the stopped car Wednesday morning in Lockport. The truck then crashed through a fence and sideswiped a house before rolling front-end first into an in-ground pool. The 68-year-old woman driving the car suffered head injuries and was in good condition. Her 8-year-old niece suffered minor injuries. Sparks was charged with reckless driving, talking on a cell phone and following too closely. Texting while driving is legal in NY, talking isn't.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Deleted file retrieval Dear Webby, I deleted a file by mistake and didn't realize it until a couple of weeks later. Any ideas on how I can retrieve it? Thanks a lot for any encouragement you can give. I'd really hate to have to recreate all that mailing list. Ann Dear Ann If the file is not in the Recycle bin any more, then after two weeks the chances are about zero that you can still retrieve it. There are special undelete programs that keep a second recycle bin stashed somewhere, but if you have deleted the file before installing those programs, then you are out of luck. Normal undelete programs just work if you use them within a day or so, before that space on the disk has been re-used and overwritten by other stuff. For the future I would highly recommend automatic off-site back-up. Go to Mozy and you can get 2 GigaBytes of automatic back-up for free, or unlimited space for $4.95 2 GigaBytes is actually a huge amount of space, unless you clutter it up with movies and music. The important feature of Mozy is that it does the back-ups automatically. You don't have to remember to do a back-up. And the files are thousands of miles away from you. Even if a Hurricane wipes out your town, your important files will be safe. Since it is free, it is silly not to use Mozy Have FUN! DearWebby
During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Berries We are blessed to have a raspberry and blackberry patch. I love to freeze the berries and have them to use all winter long. I have found that the berries keep better and do not stick together in a big lump by first spraying a baking pan with cooking spray, then placing the berries in a single layer on the pan, and freezing until firm. Then I carefully scoop them off and put them in plastic freezer bags. By Goatlady from Vermont There is no need for any greasy spray. Take a bunch of shoe box lids and cut the corners, then tape them up so that they are slightly tapered outward, just enough so that they stack neatly. Then cut some wax paper to just fit into each lid. You need two pieces per lid. Put one into a lid, pour a single layer of berries and cover them with the second sheet. Then put the next lid on top of that and repeat, until you are out of berries. You get a nice, compact stack that doesn't spill berries into the freezer, like baking pans always seem to do, When the berries are frozen, I pour them into plastic containers that don't interlock with everything else in the freezer, like the bags used to do. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."
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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father." Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here." The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."
» LifeStyle Fotos
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