Dear Webby: MSN Messenger won't stay off 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  August 14, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." --- Scottish Proverb "He who seeks a friend without fault remains without." --- Old Turkish Proverb
Thanks to Cookie for this story: The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible Motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from every man in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around and through it in places to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with obvious relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to thank and also explain to my wife again that the word is Sternum."
The groom to be said to his fiancee, "Three-thousand eight-hundred dollars for a dress that's only going to be worn once?!" "Who says it's only going to be worn once?" "Oh? You're planning to get married again? You know you can't wear white the second time!" "No, but I do plan to have a daughter and she'll wear it on her wedding day. And she'll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom." "I'll bet your mother never bought such an extravagant dress." "Oh yeah? Well, she did too, smarty!" "Okay, then why don't you wear hers?" "Who wants to get married in that old thing?"
Thanks to Sue for this shot of a baby hummingbird
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me terribly this morning on the telephone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to the pharmacy to demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it." "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting in line. One little old lady thought I ws trying to get ahead of her in the line and smashed my glasses with her umbrella. I finally got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and so, while I was sitting on the floor in a puddle of perfume and broken glass , I answered it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gregory Powell, 45 of Fort Myers, Florida Sent in by Sandie Patient assaulta doctor Dr. Paul Arnold turned his back for a moment on a patient who was upset because the doctor wouldn't write him a prescription. That's when the patient, Gregory S. Powell, 45, of Fort Myers, allegedly attacked Arnold, 65, biting off part of one of the doctor's fingers. "The doctor just turned his back on him for a moment to do something on the computer and he was viciously attacked," said Sgt. Lisa Barnes, Cape Coral police spokeswoman. Detectives are searching for Powell. They have an arrest warrant charging him with aggravated battery on a person age 65 or older. That charges carries a maximum 30-year prison sentence. The attack was reported by the doctor's staff Wednesday morning at Arnold's office on Cape Coral Parkway. Arnold, who has 29 years of experience, practices family and emergency medicine. Officer Saturino Perez said that, when he arrived, paramedics already were treating Arnold, who was taken to Cape Coral Hospital's emergency room and later released. The doctor said that Powell became "upset about not receiving a certain prescription medication," Barnes said. Powell then "proceeded to bite Doctor Arnold several times, including a bite that actually removed a piece of a finger, including the finger nail," Perez said. Arnold's staff said he is expected back in his office today. Sheriff's deputies were sent to Powell's home at 4833 East River Drive in Fort Myers, but he wasn't there, Barnes said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSN and Norton Dear Webby; I hope you are having a grand day. You sure do brighten my day with your great Humor letter. Thanks so much. I am curious about a couple of things- 1) I opened "control panel' to check on the auto updates for windows. In there I came across a icon for Symantec Live Update". I thought Symantec was part of Norton Antivirus. At one time many years ago I did have Norton but have uninstalled it a long time ago & now have Avast. Is Symantec part of Norton? I did a search on Norton but it showed no files for that. 2) I have gone to the startup menu & disabled all the ones I do not think are necessary but my Msn messenger will not stay unchecked. Every time I restart my pc it is checked again. I have even gone to the messenger page to make sure it should not auto sign me in. Is there someway to keep it unchecked or should I contact msn about this. I really do appreciate your advice. Have a purrfect day Sharon Dear Sharon Yes, Symantec and Norton are the same, just trying to fool their victims with a different name. The program is not really bad, but I loathe anything that does not allow you to completely and cleanly uninstall it. Just use the Norton Remover from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Re MSN: Microsoft says: How can I stop MSN Messenger from starting automatically Click the Tools menu, and then click Options. In the left pane, click General. Under Sign In, clear the Automatically run Messenger when I log on to Windows check box. Click OK. Sometimes that works the way they claim it theoretically should. With MSN messenger, be extremely careful if you use it at a friend's place or cyber cafe. It likes doing it's Lazarus act and rise from the dead after you are gone. Always change your password immediately after using MSN messenger on a strange machine. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Roland for this one: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Waste Water in Your Garden A great tip for water drought areas. When taking a bath, save the water! Plants love the soap to kill off insects and salts for the nutritional value. We drink tea, soft drinks, milk, etc. and save those containers. After your bath, emptying your kids pool, after boiling potatoes, corn, eggs etc. let the water cool down. Then water your plants. I will get about 12 gallons from one bath. Why let it go down the drain? Use it on your flowers or veggies. Reuse your dishpan water also. When you get in the habit of doing this you would be amazed on how much would have gone to waste down the drain. By Doreen from Bartow, FL If you divert your grey water into your rain barrel, try to use it up every day and keep it covered. It attracts bugs and can get quite smelly. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. Assisted by the cab driver, she gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
» Super Moms
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Dear Webby: Microsoft Mail problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 13, 2009

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. -- Jerome K. Jerome If you have clear skies tonight, watch for the Perseids meteor shower.
Bambi, a young lady sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here over my heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Bambi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution, "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. Then I suggested that she try carrying several things at once." The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now, I do it in seven."

A friend and I were driving to the mall when we came to a bridge under construction. The road narrowed to one lane, with a red light at either end. We stopped at the red light at on our side and when it turned green we started up again. Halfway through we met another car coming towards us. The driver leaned out his window and shouted, "I don't back up for idiots!" Putting his car into reverse, my friend called back, "No problem. I know how to do that."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Derrick Johnson, 31, and Lewis Bell, 41 from Rochester, NY Sent in by Karl Two inmates charged in plot to kill taxi driver, woman Two Monroe County Jail inmates are charged with plotting to kill a taxi driver one allegedly robbed and a woman who turned him in. In a sealed indictment opened Monday, Derrick Johnson, 31, and Lewis Bell, 41, were charged with two counts of the felony of second-degree conspiracy to commit murder. County Court Judge Alex R. Renzi ordered them held without bail after they pleaded not guilty. If convicted, they face up to 25 years in prison, said Assistant District Attorney Douglas A. Randall. The indictment alleges that from May 1 to June 17 Johnson and Bell enlisted the help of another inmate who arranged for them to meet a "hitman" who agreed to kill the taxi driver and woman for $5,000. The hitman, however, was an investigator from the District Attorney's Office.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shields Re: Microsoft Mail problem Dear Webby, help! My laptop received for Father's Day has gone on the fritz and will neither send or receive e-mail. Instead, I get a pop-up informing me that I need a name and password to use the program. I have never, knowingly, created such in the use of my email's, previously. The only possible means of this suddenly appearing may be due to the downloading of a program which might have included this delimma. But I am at a loss to figure out what this particular program might be. Neither am I able to insert an email address and password to comply with such a request, since I am at a loss to locate said item in my computer. Shields Dear Shields I don't do support for Vista and Microsoft Mail, because I am not familiar with them. Unfortunately, you will have to contact Microsoft Support about that. Good Luck! DearWebby
A young executive is leaving the office one evening when he comes across the company president standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand. "Listen," says the president, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper and presses the start button. "Excellent, excellent," says the president as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Shoe Holder to Organize Photographs I bought a shoe holder that I could hang on the back of my office door and instead of putting shoes in it, I use it to organize my photographs. I can find any picture that I'm looking for within a minute or two. From the shoe holder, I take the pictures and put them in photo albums. The shoe holder can be used to store all sorts of things, not just photographs. Store office supplies like scissors, stapler, pens, pencils, white out, etc. Bathroom supplies like door brushes, combs, extra soap, toothpaste, make-up, etc. By Carolee from Alabama Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the most powerful prayin' I ever did was while hangin' upside down from a power pole."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife mumbled, "but it sure gets awfully crowded in there!"
» Now see this!r
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Dear Webby: Firefox won't send 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 12, 2009

The aim of education is the knowledge not of facts but of values. --- Dean William Ralph Inge All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." --- Galileo Galilei No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. --- Helen Keller
An "air freshener" salesman goes to an executive building to market his product to a prospective buyer. He steps in to an empty elevator and presses the 10th floor button. Just as the doors close, he lets out a God-awful fart. He then can feel the elevator stopping on the fifth floor and he knows that someone will be stepping on so he quickly sprays his new "Pine-Scented" air freshener to cover his tracks. The person that was on the 5th floor steps onto the elevator. The salesman decides that this is a good opportunity to test his product's quality so he asks the man, "excuse me sir, could you kindly tell me what you smell?" The man replies, "Yeah, smells like a turkey with diahrea hiding in a Christmas Tree".
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Angus McInnes asked the boy how much his last date had cost. The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: It's that time of year, parent birds feeding their young. Sue
This is a classic from the days of CB "Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?" Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling." The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel. The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB. "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked. "Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a pushy Londoner in England Man who pushed woman through shop window dies A man died when he was impaled on a large shard of glass after throwing a woman through the window of a shop in the West End of London early yesterday morning. The 30-year-old victim was seen arguing with the woman in the Regent Street area of London’s West End shortly after 2am today. Witnesses told police he hurled the woman against the window of a branch of Banana Republic up to three times. After several blows, the glass shattered and the couple fell through, leaving the man fatally wounded. Members of the public flagged down a police patrol, which went to the shop at the junction of Regent Street and Great Marlborough Street. Paramedics also attended but the man was pronounced dead at the scene. A post-mortem examination will take place today. The woman, also aged 30, who lived in Central London was released from hospital after receiving treatment for multiple minor cuts.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann S Re: Firfox not sending Dear Webby Thanks for all the work you do to bring us your Daily Letter. I use the latest version of Firefox and made that my main browser. But when I click on send link, nothing happens, is this normal for firefox??? Thanks Ann S Dear Ann FireFox is just a browser, not an email program. You can use ANY email program with it. Whatever email program you set as the default, that is what it will use. For a list of email programs, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_e-mail_clients It is not a complete list, of course. That would be overwhelming. For example Corel Word Perfect Office Suite also has pretty good and industrial strength email built in. You can get the ENTIRE Corel Word Perfect Office Suite for $16 at various places, for example http://www.royaldiscount.com/woofx3stoem.html That includes Quattro, the world's best spreadsheet for over 20 years. My own favorite is Eudora, and has been since the early 90's. If I couldn't use Eudora, I would use Pegasus. Pegasus also has been around since about 90 or 91, and they have worked out their bugs years before Microsoft came up with OE. It too is 100% independent and in no way tied in with IE or Messenger or any other product. Pegasus has always been free and just supported by grateful donations from happy users. Have FUN! DearWebby
I noticed the neighbor down the street was sitting on his porch all day every every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out his boss got sick and tired of him.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Old DVDs and Books I went through my books and DVDs and had some electronics I no longer use. I have made several hundred dollars by selling them on Amazon, eBay and Craigslist! By Kat from Pittsburgh, PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

For the second time in a row, Jill was forced to impose on the woman with whom she carpooled to her children's soccer practices. Jill phoned and explained that her husband had the car again, so she wouldn't be able to take her turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up her son, her husband showed up. Since it was too late for her to call and say she could drive after all, Jill asked her husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. She also explained to her son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, her husband forgot and was in front of the house chatting with a friend when her carpool partner arrived. When her son returned from practice, Jill asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't really know for sure."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the doctor. "My local General Practitioner." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?" "He told me to come and see you."
» Flower Power
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Dear Webby: Vista complaint 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 11, 2009

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --- Oscar Wilde You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. --- John J. Plomp If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers
How was your trip to New Jersey?" "Well, a mugger stopped me and said, 'Gimme your money, or I'll blow your brains out.' " "What did you do?" "I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away." "Wow! He told you to give him your money or he'd blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot?" "Yeah. You don't need brains to live in New Jersey, but you can't get along without money."
An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi", he says when he sees him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?" "Yes, I do," says the rabbi. "Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent. "Yes, he is,"says the rabbi. "Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent. "I can assure you that he will!" says the rabbi.
Thanks to Nita for this picture:
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lawrence Neal, 45, of Detroit, Michigan Robber caught by his own seatbelt EASTPOINTE, Mich. (AP) - Authorities said a purse snatching suspect being chased by police near Detroit got his right leg tangled in his car's seat belt when he tried to bail out and ended up being dragged several hundred feet. Police told the Detroit Free Press and The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens that 45-year-old man Lawrence Neal of Detroit was dragged Thursday night and broke his leg before the car stopped on a front lawn. Neal was being held at the Macomb County Jail. He was charged with unarmed robbery, fleeing and eluding and resisting and obstructing police. Police said he requested a court-appointed attorney.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Vista too slow Dear Webby We bought a Vista computer, mainly because we could not quite afford an XP computer. Why are those so much more expensive? We found out the hard way, that we should have listened to you. Vista might be good enough for somebody, who has never had an XP, but we hate it. And NOBODY will buy a used Vista machine! What can we do? Darlene Dear Darlene The only reason that XP machines are more expensive is the demand for them. They don't need anything special, and as you probably remember, when you bought your XP years ago, it was getting work done faster than your Vista machine with probably twice as fast a CPU, and twice as much RAM. Spend $80 - $100 on a new hard drive, after making sure it is EIDE, just like the old drive in it. Then install the XP setup into it. It will be just as fast as when you originally bought it, but have a much bigger hard drive. If that sounds like too much work, contact jerome@spiritscents for a quote. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked ashen they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1 !"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refill Lip Gloss Case with Homemade Gloss My daughter is 5 years old and loves all of the sparkly and colorful lip glosses that come in cute cases with her favorite characters on them. The problem is that these glosses are terrible for her lips! They are very low quality and drying to her lips. So I cleaned them out of the case, and took a little Aquaphor gel and mixed it with just a bit of my own lipstick (I took a small scrape off the bottom with a q-tip). Then I mixed them together and they were colorful and moisturizing to her lips. We put them back in the cases and they work great! I even use them for my dry lips. By Sally R. from Edwardsville, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Government?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "No, no, no," said the teacher. "I mean, how many members does the Government have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches anyway?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hand to his chin and says, "I have had it up to HERE with the Government!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway..."
» Nature's Temperaments
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Dear Webby: AV-Green Ransom-ware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 10, 2009

Quarrel not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for personal contention. --- Abraham Lincoln Appreciative words are the most powerful force for good on earth! --- George W. Crane There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not. --- Robert Benchley
The Woodstock Music Festival is 40 years old this summer. Those who attended have changed quite a bit. They still do drugs. But now there's a $15 co-pay.
Bobby's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Bobby to recite a sentence with a direct object. Bobby stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, I think you are beautiful." "Why thank you, Bobby," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?" "A good report card next month," he replied.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and keep the gas tank empty until Monday.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Chicago Blackhawks Patrick Kane, 20, from Buffalo, NY Beat up and robbed BUFFALO, N.Y. (AP)—Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane was charged with attacking a cab driver in his hometown Sunday, a beating that police said was triggered when the driver did not have 20 cents in change to give the player and his cousin. Kane, the NHL's best rookie in 2008, was charged with robbery and other counts following an altercation with a cab driver in his hometown of Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo police said the 20-year-old Kane and a 21-year-old cousin, James Kane, had apparently caught a cab from the city's downtown nightclub district at about 4 a.m. Sunday. The cab driver suffered cuts to his face and his glasses were damaged after being struck in the face and head, police spokesman Michael DeGeorge said. Both men were charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor counts of theft of services and criminal mischief. Patrick Kane pleaded not guilty in City Court on Sunday, WIVB-TV reported. It was not immediately clear when James Kane will appear in court. The driver said he was punched and hit by both men because he did not have 20 cents in change to give them, according to the police report. ---------- I hope the Blackhawks turf the uncivilized runt, and don't let the punk give hockey a bad name!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Green AV Ransom Ware Dear Webby Hope all is well with you. Love receiving your newsletter & tech tips. May I ask your opinion? My wife's PC has been infected with Green AV. I ran Spybot a couple of times to no avail. I Googled it and saw some info that removing it is difficult even for professionals. Would you have any tips or insights into removing this? Thanks Mark Dear Mark Spybot-Search&Destroy only gets rid of spyware. For Ransom-ware and viruses you need McAfee or or a similar anti-virus program. Have FUN! DearWebby Dear Webby You rock. I installed McAfee and it nailed the junk instantly. You have just made my wife very happy. Normally, that's my job albeit I happily defer to you today. Thanks for all you do. Mark
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Baby Dresses for Toddler Tunic Tops Check for Energy Draining Devices at Night Cutting back on your electrical usage can be easy if you know where to look. This exercise must be done after dark, with the lights off, if possible. Walk around each room and look for red or green lights on appliances and electrical devices. Your television, cable box and the DVD player, coffee maker and electric toothbrush charger, etc. probably all have the indicators, which mean your appliances are pulling electricity even when not in use, adding dollars to your electric bill. These phantom energy drains can be a large part of your annual energy bill. Evaluate how important each device is and consider unplugging. If that is too drastic, plug similar devices into a power strip and turn the strip on when you are ready to use the television and DVD player, for example. You may be pleasantly surprised when you receive your next bill. A little inconvenience can add up to BIG savings. By SK from Prospect, KY Your shin-banger's marathon might be good exercise for you, but it won't make a noticeable difference on your electrical bill. Sure, if you have a really old TV, unplug it, if you want. As for the rest, they all use pulsed LEDs that use less than a tenth of the power your watch uses. To save 12 cents a year, I am not going to turn into a shin-banger. If you want to save electriciy, replace regular switches with motion detector switches. Pantry, kitchen, hallway, doors, etc, all benefit from timely turn-offs. The biggest difference, though, is going after the big power users like stove, dryer, and especially the hot water heater. Pre-heating the water that goes to the water heater with solar or the waste heat from AC, fridge and freezer makes an instant and drastic difference. Just moving the water heater from the cold basement to the hot attic usually shaves $10 a month off your electrical bill. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter. She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!" The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them." The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!
» Mural Gallery
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Dear Webby: Print Screen Problem 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 9, 2009

You cannot get ahead while you are getting even. --- Dick Armey Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length. --- Robert Frost Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. --- Mark Twain
The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world." But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way about my mother moving in with us."
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in SICK yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
Thanks to Janina for this picture: Dear Webby! We recently vacationed in Seaside on the Oregon coast and experienced the thrill of seeing pelicans, seagulls, albatross and most thrilling was the daily visit of a bald eagle! Thanks again for all your great advice and humor! Keep up all the fun! Janina from New Jersey
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Keith Griffin, 48, of Jensen Beach, Florida Fla. man blames cat paws for child porn downloads Aug 7, 2:07 PM (ET) JENSEN BEACH, Fla. (AP) - Florida investigators say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat. Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer. According to a sheriff's report Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. He said he had left the room and found "strange things" on his computer when he returned. Griffin is being held on $250,000 bond in the Martin County jail. -------------- While you obviously can't blame 1000 pictures on a cat, I do remember an incident where a cat did cause some hilarity. In the early 90's there was a very advanced communication program called PowWow. That was before ICQ and Windows Messenger. It was actually quite advanced and had features even Skype still doesn't have yet. One of the features were "Macros". For example, I was able to save lengthy tech support responses as function key macros. Some friends in Texas had a mother, two sons, a daughter and a friend seated around a big table, each with their own computer. The mother and daughter were building web pages and occasionally asking me questions. The rest of them conferenced into our chat now and then, but usually kept to themselves. The boys started assigning cusswords to macros and had cussword fights amongst themselves. They got quite creative, colorful and descriptive, until one day their cat walked between a keyboard and a monitor, and switched their private cussword war to full conference. Their sister thought they were attacking her, and she was no slouch at all in cussing back.. You can probably imagine the pandemonium! It all got sorted out, though, before any blood was spilled onto keyboards. There sure were some red faces around that table, all because of that kitten.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Send picture of the desktop Dear Webby Thanks for all you assistance again but... still can't seem to get it to work, maybe my Fn key is not functioning but it just will not copy over to email. Thanks again, Cookie Dear Cookie Just plug in a regular keyboard. Those silly laptop keyboards are not only unreliable nuisances, they damage your wrists! Regular keyboards are $1-$5 at yard sales, and $9.95 - whatever online. I always take a regular keyboard with me, even into the desert. Just plug in a regular keyboard. Those silly laptop keyboards are not only unreliable nuisances, they damage your wrists! Regular keyboards are $1-$5 at yard sales, and $9.95 - whatever online. I always take a regular keyboard with me, even into the desert. The problem could also be with your email. If it is strictly text and not a full featured program like good old Eudora, then you have to open a graphics program and paste the screen capture into, or as a new picture. Then you can save and attach that picture to your email. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30 p.m. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dangit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Baby Dresses for Toddler Tunic Tops My daughter received a lot of dresses in her first year of life. Rather than wear them once and pass them on, we are re-using them as tunic tops, now that they are too small to wear as dresses. What was a darling dress at 6 months old, is now an adorable shirt at 18 months! It helps me save money on the wardrobe and keep my daughter stylin'. By Alana from Avon, NY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. She came home and said to her mother, "I'm wasting my time. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway. This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years. Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?" Her question was met with a few moments of silence while he threw a long glance at his gnarled hands on the steering wheel. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved...."
» Cask, Keg or Barrel
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Dear Webby: How do I send a screen shot of my desktop? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 8, 2009

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. --- Bob Wells Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. --- Bill Watterson
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
Joe was hospitalized for a few days, and his wife reported that his dog really missed him. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," he replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," his wife answered, as she grabbed the rolling pin, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
Thanks to Sue for this picture: The Canadian Eastern Kingbird are bold aggressive fly catchers. They perch in one spot constantly looking around and then flying out to catch insects in the air. I have yet to catch one miss their prey. Sue
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to AARP in Dallas, Texas AARP refuses to listen AARP scheduled a "We want to listen to our members" meeting in Dallas, Texas for August 4. When the seniors wanted to ask questions or voce their feelings, the AARP staff got into a snit and walked out. They had expected a few docile old fogies to politely applaud after AARP delivered the prepared dictates, not people actually talking just because AARP had promised to listen to them. The video doesn't show any KGB agents strutting in and arresting people on the spot for standing up, but they took the microphone and left. Here is video of that AARP meeting. http://snipurl.com/pdw4q [www_breitbart_tv] I can imagine that a lot of people tore up their AARP membership cards before the evening was over, and that a lot more will soon.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cookie Re: Send picture of the desktop Dear Webby Is there a way I can send someone a shot of my desktop? Thanks in advance for your help again. Cookie Dear Cookie Yes, sure. Hit the PrintScreen key Go into your email or any graphics program and hit the Paste button on your mouse or CTRL V. That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organize Your Shopping List By Aisle Next time you go to the grocery store, take a little extra time to write down the main items of each aisle, and area. When you get home, type it out in the order you shop in the store. Make copies of this and you can just check off or highlight the items you need each week and save time of making a list, and being able to read it. If you shop at several stores, make one for each store. By K from Leavenworth, WA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another male chauvinist pig trying to keep suppressing the independence of a woman by implying she is obligated to be grateful for a lousy seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.Finally, the man says, "Lady, you'll have to go harass somebody else now. I'm past my stop already and got to get off the bus."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife says, "Six and a half weeks."
» America's Treasures
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Dear Webby: How do I make a screensaver from a movie? 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Friday,  August 7, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch. --- Socratex
Just before his scheduled operation, a man is wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair. A nurse stops him and asks, "What's the matter?" The man tells her, "I heard another nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking. The woman's three- year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words. She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."
Thanks to Donnie for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to John Millison, 45, of Drexel Hill, Pa. Encore Robbery Pa. convict charged with robbing same bank UPPER TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) - A Pennsylvania man who served nearly six years in prison for robbing a southern New Jersey bank has been arrested in a recent robbery of the same bank. Forty-five-year-old John Millison of Drexel Hill, Pa., was arrested Tuesday by FBI and state and local police on charges in the July 27 robbery of a PNC Bank branch in Upper Township near Ocean City, N.J. He also was charged with robbing a supermarket pharmacy the same day as the bank. Millison had been released from prison in November after serving a sentence in the 2003 robbery of the bank. He was being held on $200,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dave Re: Movie to screensaver Dear Webby Hope all is well. DO you know how you can get an MWV file to be used as a Screensaver (in XP)? Thanks, Dave Dear Dave Yes, sure. There are quite a few programs that will turn a wmv into an exe, however, I don't know of any free ones that work with any reasonable reliability. I used to use Axialis. At that time it was quite expnsive.. Now it is $40 and probably even better than it was 10 years ago. Try Axialis Have FUN! DearWebby
A married college student, noticeably pregnant, keeps rubbing her side during a final exam. Before she leaves, the professor asks if she is OK. "I noticed you were holding onto your side," he says. "Oh, I'm fine," she answers. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor says, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yes," she continues. "It's strange. We both normally sleep during your class."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to the Folks from Erie for this one: WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY! My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Parents work hard to give their children a better life than they had . . . then complain about how easy the kids have it.
» Maze Gardens
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Dear Webby: Slow back-up 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 6, 2009

Only the shallow know themselves. --- Oscar Wilde We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems. -- John W. Gardner
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He looked at her soberly for a time. "I know this must hurt," she said, trying to soften the blow. "Oh, it's not that," he said. "It's just that I wasn't planning on spending quite that much."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sherry McNeal, 47, of Chester, Pennsylvania Naked, drunk, and locked out Dressed in white fishnet stockings - and nothing else - a Delaware County woman who police say was drunk and who repeatedly threw herself at the front door of a locked Ridley Park home brought them to the scene last week when neighbors believed she was trying to burgle the residence. As it turned out, the woman, Sherry McNeal, 47, of Chester, was a guest at the house of John Litwin, 48, of Pomeroy Street near Kenny. Litwin also was drunk, police said, when he finally came to the door, though he was clothed. "Neither [McNeal nor Litwin] had any idea how the naked female got outside," Ridley Park Police Chief Tom Byrne said. Officers responded to reports of a burglary about 12:20 a.m. on July 29 and heard kicking sounds on a nearby door. McNeal was launching her body against Litwin's door, claiming to be locked out of the home, police said. Litwin, who allegedly heard officers knock but not McNeal's full body slams, emerged from the house, also inebriated, Byrne said. McNeal and Litwin said they had no idea how she had gotten out of the house, barely clothed, or how she had been locked out, police said. "Both subjects were cited for disorderly conduct and advised to stay in for the night," Byrne said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Linda Re: Slow back-up Dear Webby I got that Mozy off-site back-up, that you recommended, to back up my computer and then restore it onto my new one. All I am backing up is about 220 Gigabytes, but it says it will take over a week! Why is it that slow? Linda Dear Linda The back-up speed depends on your connection speed, and also on your ISP. If your ISP jumps to the conclusion that your huge file transfer looks like you are distributing stolen music or software, they might slow your connection down to discourage that kind of activity. That is often done automatically, but they can check, if you ask them. However, 220 GigaBytes is indeed a very huge back-up. Normally you just back up important data, files you created, mail, address books, and stuff like that. Pictures, music, movies, and software, don't change. They don't need weekly or daily back-ups. You can burn them onto CDs or DVDs and keep them in a deposit box. The online off-site backups are intended for automatic back-ups of stuff that changes occasionally. If you do let it run until the back-up is completed, the next time it runs, Mozy will only back up what has changed since the previous back-up. That might take just minutes. Have FUN! DearWebby
The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!" He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Always Live Below Your Means Always live beneath your means. Sociologically it has been proven that people who are at the top of a lower income group are more satisfied than those at the bottom of an upper! But also remember Shakespeare's advice to wear "garments costly as your purse can buy" because you want to make a good impression out in the world! (But they don't have to know HOW you finagled those costly garments, do they?) By Pamphyila from Los Angeles, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening." Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that." "Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,''Stop,' and 'Don't!....'"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two old ladies were waiting for a bus were each smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" Her friend ttold her that she could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel..." The pharmacist fainted.
» Eivoli
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Dear Webby: File Shredder 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 5, 2009

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. --- Ralph Waldo Emerson A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours. --- Socratex
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where Jill works, she asks the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, she prints it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when she asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine Jill's surprise, when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station screaming: "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that you always have a headache next morning after wearing that suit!"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Terrace Moiuntain, BC
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a sleepy car thief in South Australia Dumb place to sleep A dozy Australian thief has been arrested, after police say they caught him asleep at the wheel of a stolen car - in a car wash. South Australia Police say the 30-year-old man drove the Audi convertible into an automatic car wash in the early hours of Monday morning, and then apparently nodded off. A service station attendant called the police at 3 a.m. when he noticed the car hadn't moved for an hour. The police said in a statement that the car had two different license plates, and that police discovered it had been reported stolen in July. They woke the man and arrested him on charges of illegal use and theft of the car. He has been released on bail and will face court in September.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandie Re: Correction re shredder Dear Webby, there is no shredder in Crap Cleaner! Sandie Dear Sandie You are right. Since I gave up terrorism at age 4, I have never encountered a need to shred any files, I got the programs for that mixed up. The Shredder is in Spybot-Search&Destroy. Sorry about that! Have FUN! DearWebby
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the young guy replied. The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Old Tissue Paper Look Like New While making gift bags for the local nursing home, I realized I had a lot of tissue paper from events past. All the pretty colors and patterns, I couldn't bear to throw it away so I flattened it out and decided to iron it. Worked like a charm. Take 3 sheets of tissue paper put them together put iron on polyester with a tad of steam. Iron on both sides. The one in the middle will be perfect too. Fold it accordion style and bingo: recycled tissue. When you think of how much of this stuff goes to the land fill every year, this is a good way to recycle. By Dancer from TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab the gorilla's groin and not let go. The gorilla will then be sidetracked enough for me to put a rope on him and winch him into the cage in the back of the van." So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun, and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
» Pinch Hit Moms
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Dear Webby: How to really clean out deleted files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 4, 2009

Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream. --- Malcom Muggeridge The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post. --- L. Thomas Holdcroft
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he barked at him: "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
Lady: Waiter, please bring me coffee without cream. Waiter: I'm afraid we've run out of cream. Would you like it without milk?
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to New York City Back Assward Law WASHINGTON - If you have a big 20-year-old TV in your basement, then New York City's new electronic recycling law may help with the spring cleaning. All you'll need to do is contact the manufacturer, who will be required to remove it, and probably send over a delivery truck to pick it up for free. Two industry groups that represent electronic makers are livid about the law, and in a federal lawsuit filed Friday, they argue that there is no way that they should be responsible for recycling all the electronics ever made, or at least what survives under the beds and in the closets of millions of NYC residents. The E-waste program requires manufacturers to collect from residents any electronics that weigh more than 15 pounds. The law applies to all previously purchased electronics. The potential amount of e-waste in NYC amounts to an estimated 1.3 million televisions, computers and other electronic equipment totaling 47.9 million pounds annually, according to the lawsuit. Items weighing less than 15 pounds will be either mailed-back or left at a drop-off point established by a manufacturer. The law was passed in 2008 and is due to take effect next year. The exact date is contingent on city approval of manufacturer recycling plans. The law will prohibit NYC residents from disposing of electronic waste in the trash. In states and in other countries, where legislators are smarter than turnips, laws have required sellers of awkward items (monitors, refrigerators, freezers, Air Conditioners, etc) to charge the buyer a disposal fee for a dozen or more years, and the governments there distribute those funds to local and national recycling centers. In NYC they expect manufacturers to cover the lack of similar past fee collection requirements by raising the prices on future sales. To cover disposal costs for items sold 30 years ago, they would have to charge $200 fees on all new items. All that would do is make everybody in NYC to go for a little drive and buy outside NYC, forcing manufacturers to raise prices across the entire USA, just to pay for the socialist parasites in NYC, who expect the grown-ups to pay for them..
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jai Re: Really get rid of deleted files Dear Webby, I remember that there used to be a way to go to Find/Search and type in something that would bring up everything that had been so called deleted from the recycle bin. One could go there to retrieve things that were accidentally deleted, and also to get back deleted email. I forget what one typed in the Find/Search to get there tho. It is a good idea to go there and delete everything from there, to really really get rid of it all off the harddrive. Can you help me to with the wording to get back in there again? Thanks loads, Jai Dear Jai Just click on the recycle bin and dump it. If you have highly sensitive files about the moonshining operation in the back yard, or the house of ill repute, that you do the book keeping for, or any files you don't want the revenuers to find, then you can use the shredder that is in CrapCleaner and really make them unrecoverable. There is no other way. Once you have shredded something with CrapCleaner, it's gone for good. Your sordid past has been cleaned up and even the CIA can't resurrect any incriminating evidence. Have FUN! DearWebby
The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs. He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Hand Sanitizer for Sticky Hands Use hand sanitizer on your hands after you've eaten, to get rid of sticky messes when you don't have soap and water available. It removes all traces of "stickiness" and works when dry napkins or paper towels by themselves just don't work. By Truerblue from PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A country woman passed out and her husband,Bubba, called 911. The operator said they would send someone out right away and asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally, Bubba said, "How about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A lady was driving from her husband's office to the kids' school, with twelve youngsters in the car, when she blew past a stop sign, and a police car. Much to the delight of the kids, the police officer pulled her over, wrote her a ticket, lectured her on traffic safety, and finished by saying, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?" Tomato red in the cheeks, the embarrassed woman said, "Officer, only seven of them are mine!"
» Rift Valley
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Dear Webby: Restore hover text 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 3, 2009

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted." --- Mary O'Connor
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask. Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: "Will there ever be married Catholic priests?" God promptly replied: "Not in your life-time." Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: "what about female priests then, will we have that one day?" Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: "Not in your life-time, I'm afraid." Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: "Will there ever be another Polish pope?" God answered quickly and with a firm voice, "Not in My life time."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jeremiah Romero, 29 of Albuquerque, New mexico Security Camera star ALBUQUERQUE, NM -- An Albuquerque, New Mexico man accused of stealing security cameras may have a tough time in court explaining why his face appears in the surveillance footage. It's the middle of the day outside Pat Hurley Community Center and police say 29-year-old Jeremiah Romero and another female suspect are looking for electronics. They have their eye on a security camera, video shows the two casing out the area. As the woman stands as a lookout, the camera is violently jerked and ripped from the wall. But taking one camera wasn't enough. Later that day they returned for a second camera, say police. As the camera comes down, it captures a picture of the suspect, 29-year-old Jeremiah Romero. You can even see a crowbar in his hand. "We could not ask for a better panoramic view of someone's facial identity," said Commander Conrad Candelaria of the Albuquerque Police Department. A community center worker who saw Romero in the video later spotted him at a local business and called police. Officers are still looking for his accomplice. Police have not found the cameras, which are worth about $2,100.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Noella Re: Lost hover text Dear Webby, I so appreciate your help in times past. My question is about hovering over a link in a web page. I no longer see the address of the link in the bar at the bottom of the page, in fact, there is no bar at the bottom of the page. How do I get that back? Thanks again, Noella Dear Noella In FireFox you click on VIEW, StatusBar Have FUN! DearWebby
The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness. The attorney asked:"Was the deceased in the habit of talking to himself when he was alone?" "I don't know," said Kelly. "Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?" "Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be with him when he was alone. "
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?" "My father said it'd be a good idea, sir." "Oh? And what does your father do?" "He's in the Army, sir."
» Rift Valley
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Dear Webby: Slow Defrag 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 2, 2009

"A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure." --- Socratex Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. --- Jane Wagner I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. --- G. K. Chesterton
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots."
Stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalkin around with a flyswatter. When I asked if he was gettin any flies, he answered, "Yeah, two males and tthree females". Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. He answered, "Tho were on a beer can and three were on phones".

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stormy Daniels, Tampa, Florida Too high profile to get away with domestic disturbance TAMPA — The cuffs may have been familiar but not the circumstances for porn star Stormy Daniels when Tampa police arrested her Saturday on domestic battery charges. Police say Daniels came home after 7 p.m., confronted her husband about an unpaid bill and began throwing things in their home at 2804 W Wyoming Ave. She told officers she was just trying to get the car keys that her husband was holding over his head and accidentally hit him in the face several times, according to the arrest report. Her husband was not hurt, but Daniels was taken to the Hillsborough County Jail, where she was booked under the off-screen name Stephanie Gregory Clifford, and posted $1,000 bail Sunday afternoon. The porn movie actor and director grabbed national headlines last year when she announced she may run for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana in 2010. She would be vying against Sen. David Vitter, who has his own sexual issues after being linked to the high-profile D.C. Madam in 2008. "Somebody is going to pay for this!"
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Slow Defrag Dear Webby, Got a question for you..... The other-day my niece gave me her Acer Laptop, and told me that she had some problems with her USB, Speakers, and whatever I could find. So as the story goes.... I got her USB solved by doing "Scan for hardware Changes!" Then I found out that she blew her laptop speakers..... but the funny thing here was that she told me that her windows media player was playing very slowly.... ? Well so the i went into her c: drive and started to defrag.....after it went to analyzing period it showed that she has not done this at all..... well so I had to defrag this, but it took about 24 hours.... I was like Wow! So can you please tell me why this happened? PS. I truly baby sit this laptop til this was over...... Eddie Dear Eddie Sounds like that laptop has not enough elbow room. It needs a place to put stuff during the defrag. Do you expect it to mail stuff to cousin Elmer and then get it back when it has made room for another file to go into it, without breaking it into 17 pieces? Also keep in mind that the Windows defrag is rather flakey. It's not like Diskeeper. With Windowse defrag you are lucky if you can keep it going until it finishes. Tell her to dump all music and movies and pictures, that she has not used in the last three months, onto CDs, and get at least 20% free space. If she can afford $30, she should get Diskeeper. It runs whenever the screen saver comes on, and keeps the machine tuned up. Then the problems will stop and everything will work a lot smoother. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Foam for Your Cappuccino If you want a less expensive way to get some "foam" on your coffee or cappuccino at home, just whip some warm milk in your blender until it's frothy and top your drink with it! By Robin from Washington, IA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sweet young lady who had just been shopping is pulled over by a traffic cop and given a ticket for speeding. Rather than fight the ticket, the woman writes a check for the amount of the fine and puts it in the mail. However, the young woman is worried. Her husband always examines her checkbook carefully, and she doesn't want him to know about the incident. Then inspiration strikes, and she scribbles on the check stub: "One pullover, $125."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Kim was telling her friend how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."
» Close Enoughs
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Dear Webby: retrieving deleted files 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 1, 2009

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. --- Henry Kissinger If God had intended for man to use the metric system, he would have given us 10 commandments, not 12. --- Hillary Clinton
A tenderfoot scout is on his first camping trip. As soon as he has pitched his tent, he goes for a hike in the woods. In about 15 minutes, however, he rushes back into camp, bruised, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asks his patrol leader. "I was chased by a black snake," the frightened boy cries. The older boy smiles. "A black snake isn't deadly," he says "Listen," the tenderfoot groans. "If it can make you jump off a 50-foot cliff, it is."
During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Iguazu Falls, Argentina
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicholas Sparks, 25, of Burt, NY Texting driver crashes into car, house and pool Jul 30, 2:57 PM (ET) LOCKPORT, N.Y. (AP) - Police said a Buffalo-area tow truck driver was texting on one cell phone while talking on another when he slammed into a car and crashed into a swimming pool. Niagara County sheriff's deputies said 25-year-old Nicholas Sparks of Burt admitted he was texting and talking when his flatbed truck hit the stopped car Wednesday morning in Lockport. The truck then crashed through a fence and sideswiped a house before rolling front-end first into an in-ground pool. The 68-year-old woman driving the car suffered head injuries and was in good condition. Her 8-year-old niece suffered minor injuries. Sparks was charged with reckless driving, talking on a cell phone and following too closely. Texting while driving is legal in NY, talking isn't.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Deleted file retrieval Dear Webby, I deleted a file by mistake and didn't realize it until a couple of weeks later. Any ideas on how I can retrieve it? Thanks a lot for any encouragement you can give. I'd really hate to have to recreate all that mailing list. Ann Dear Ann If the file is not in the Recycle bin any more, then after two weeks the chances are about zero that you can still retrieve it. There are special undelete programs that keep a second recycle bin stashed somewhere, but if you have deleted the file before installing those programs, then you are out of luck. Normal undelete programs just work if you use them within a day or so, before that space on the disk has been re-used and overwritten by other stuff. For the future I would highly recommend automatic off-site back-up. Go to Mozy and you can get 2 GigaBytes of automatic back-up for free, or unlimited space for $4.95 2 GigaBytes is actually a huge amount of space, unless you clutter it up with movies and music. The important feature of Mozy is that it does the back-ups automatically. You don't have to remember to do a back-up. And the files are thousands of miles away from you. Even if a Hurricane wipes out your town, your important files will be safe. Since it is free, it is silly not to use Mozy Have FUN! DearWebby
During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," she teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, she requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Berries We are blessed to have a raspberry and blackberry patch. I love to freeze the berries and have them to use all winter long. I have found that the berries keep better and do not stick together in a big lump by first spraying a baking pan with cooking spray, then placing the berries in a single layer on the pan, and freezing until firm. Then I carefully scoop them off and put them in plastic freezer bags. By Goatlady from Vermont There is no need for any greasy spray. Take a bunch of shoe box lids and cut the corners, then tape them up so that they are slightly tapered outward, just enough so that they stack neatly. Then cut some wax paper to just fit into each lid. You need two pieces per lid. Put one into a lid, pour a single layer of berries and cover them with the second sheet. Then put the next lid on top of that and repeat, until you are out of berries. You get a nice, compact stack that doesn't spill berries into the freezer, like baking pans always seem to do, When the berries are frozen, I pour them into plastic containers that don't interlock with everything else in the freezer, like the bags used to do. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello, Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father." Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here." The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?" "Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."
» LifeStyle Fotos
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Dear Webby: Source for 4:3 monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 31, 2009
Wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life. --- Robert Byrne I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. --- Beryl Pfizer
Two women are paired together as partners in a club tournament and meet on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asks, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replies. "Really," says the first woman, suitably impressed and thinking they might have a shot at the championship. "Yes," says her partner, "I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones.
Angus McInnes is dying. On his deathbed, he looks up and says: "Is my wife here?" "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you," his wife replies. "Are my children here?" he asks. "Yes, daddy, we are all here?" "And my other relatives? Are they also here?" "Yes, we are all here," says one. "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kendra Smith, 37, and John Bradley Crenshaw, 40 of Inverness, Illinois Sent in by Walter, the Stonecarver Own ID plus stolen credit card An Inverness couple who left a block party early in order to burglarize their neighbors' home have been arrested following a domestic dispute in Rock Island, where they traveled to pawn the stolen goods, police said. Kendra Smith, 37, and John Bradley Crenshaw, 40, of the 700 block of Stone Canyon Circle, are charged with residential burglary and unlawful use of a credit card. Sorting through the quirky story involved a cooperative investigation by Inverness and Palatine police, as well as the Rock Island County sheriff's department. On July 18, according to authorities, Crenshaw and Smith, who are dating, attended the same Barrington block party as their victims. They left early knowing their neighbors on the 700 block of Stone Canyon Circle wouldn't be home and used a baseball bat to break a window and unlock the front door, Inverness police officer Michael Kirby said. The victims returned around 9 p.m. and found jewelry, a coin collection and identification missing. Over the next few days, authorities said, Crenshaw and Smith used the credit card they stole from their neighbors at a Blockbuster store in Palatine, which police were able to view on a surveillance video. Smith used her own store membership card during the purchase, Cook County state's attorney's office spokesman Andy Conklin said. Warrants were obtained, and the couple became persons of interest in the burglary. Meanwhile, Crenshaw and Smith drove to western Illinois to pawn the stolen items, Kirby said. During their stay at a hotel, the couple got into a domestic dispute that prompted a visit from the Rock Island County sheriff's police. Smith and Crenshaw were arrested and, on Monday, Inverness police traveled to Rock Island to follow up on the burglary investigation. Smith and Crenshaw appeared in Rolling Meadows court twice this week on different charges. In total, a Cook County judge set bond at $85,000 for Crenshaw and $65,000 for Smith. Kirby said police have recovered a large percentage of the stolen goods and proceeds from their sale, but well over $10,000 is still missing.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roy Re: 4:3 Monitor Source Dear Webby, Here is the link to where we buy our 4:3 monitors: http://snipurl.com/oba7q [www_bhphotovideo_com] Roy Dear Roy Thanks for the link! Have FUN! DearWebby
A couple are asleep in their beds late one night, when the wife thinks she hears a noise downstairs. She nudges her husband and whispers, "Wake up, wake up." "What's the matter?" he asks. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" says the husband.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Dehydrate Extra Summer Squash Summer squash taking over? I chop mine into about 1/4 to 1/2 inch pieces and dehydrate them. Because of the water content of summer squash, they really dehydrate to a tiny size, so you may need a smaller grate. Then I mix them in almost everything - meatloaf (instead of bread, crackers, oatmeal, etc), soups, sauces, quick breads. You get the idea. If your dehydrated squash pieces are too large, just whiz them in a food processor or blender until you get the size you need. Even picky eaters (like my grand kids) will eat it all, and not realize there are extra veggies on their plate. By Barb from Sacramento, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the difference between education and experience? If you read the instructions, you have education. If you don't read the instructions, you WILL get experience.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replies indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."
» Toygers
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Dear Webby: Monitor recommendation 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 30, 2009

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. --- Wilson Mizner If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. --- Socratex If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. --- Catherine Aird
Thanks to Dianne for this story: Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again. Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away." Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business, much like his own, opened up next door and erected a huge sign, which read, "BEST DEALS." He was horrified when another competitor opened up on the other side, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, "LOWEST PRICES." The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put a sign of all over his own shop. It read . . . "MAIN ENTRANCE."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shane Walker, 25, Charleston, West Virginia She asked the cops to find her dope Shane Walker. a Charleston, West Virginia woman contacted cops to say that her boyfriend had stolen her marijuana stash. Normally, that's not something you share with the cops. But Walker apparently really wanted those 3.5 ounces back. The cops eventually found the dope and as a result Walker spent her 25th birthday in the local lockup and is facing a felony possession charge.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cyndy Re: Monitor Recommendation Hi Webby, I was looking to replace my computer in the new year and seen a lot about 16:9 and 4:3 ratios for monitors. Right now I have a crappy ole CRT model that does 800x600 at best. I was really looking forward to getting one of those flat screens/monitors. Fraction wise, those numbers mean the same thing; but I am getting screen monitor wise there are apples & broccoli. The monitor I have at work is a flat screen. Company policy says were are to use the 800x600 resolution; but find it enlarges everything rather unpleasantly. I have my work monitor at 1240x1024; but have had monitors at previous placements with better resolution. Any recommendations on what to ask/look for? Cyndy Dear Cyndy I agree, 800 x 600 is barbaric, when most people run their monitors at 1600 x 1200, or higher. 800 x 600 is known to cause eye strain and a policy like that will get them sued, sooner or later. 1240 x 1024 or 1240 x 960 are fine and easy on the eyes. 1600 x 1200 is even better. That is clear as a photo, and makes even small fonts easy to read. Wide monitors don't give you extra space on the side. They simply saw off a third on the bottom. You can easily try that by putting a couple of strips of masking tape across the bottom of the screen and hide the bottom third. Go ahead and try that for a shift! It will cause some profanity, but I am willing to bet that you will tear that masking tape off long before the end of the shift. You CAN get normal 4:3 ratio monitors. Just go in through the business entrance, not the garage sale entrance. Excpt for Dell, most computer vendors sell proper 4:3 monitors, though not necessarily in flat LCD version. Here at Webby we run all machines at 1600 x 1200 on CRT monitors. When I see the 1024 x 576 flat screen yuppie monitors, I just laugh. They saved $50 on the monitor, and get to spend $250 on new glasses. DUH! Cruise the garage sales! There are always some gullible idiots selling perfectly good CRT monitors to switch to "fashionable" flat screens. Also, sometimes people move to smaller apartments, and don't have room for a half fridge size monitor, that requires two people to lift. I cheerfully take it off their yard for $50, and laugh for months! Have FUN! DearWebby
One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried!" Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?" "Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!"


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cut Foods Right in the Can If you accidentally bought pineapple rings and needed chunks, you will no doubt have to cut them. Why drain them, put them on a counter cutting board or plate and create a mess? Cut them when they are still in the can. Just insert your knife in the center hole, and cut toward the can edge 16 times and you will have the same pieces you would if you bought them chunked. By Poor But Proud from Salem OR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A principal is making his rounds in the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise. He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. "Now," he says, "are there any questions?" One girl stands up timidly. "Please sir," she asks, "may we have our teacher back?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Amazon Basin
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Dear Webby, computer disconnects automatically 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 29, 2009

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. --- Nancy Astor "The only unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable." --- John F. Kennedy
At the company barbecue a lady stood up and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The poor bartender was almost crushed to death.
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. The two women just won't leave the poor man alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!" His wife says, "Stay to the right!" After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car, anyway, you or your mother?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Malaisian Sunset The same picture in 1600 x 1200
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Keith Cullen, 33 and Paul Wiggins, 45, in Swnsea, Wales Burglars pick wrong place to sleep it off SWANSEA, Wales, July 27 (UPI) -- After stealing about $1,154 in liquor, two burglars decided to celebrate and got so drunk they fell asleep instead of escaping, police in Swansea, Wales, said. Burglars Keith Cullen and Paul Wiggins stacked up the stolen booze outside the store and then went in to have a drink. Police found them asleep in the store the next morning, The Sun newspaper reported. A Swansea prosecutor said closed circuit television recorded the entire theft of the Kuehne Nagle Drinks Logistics depot. Police said Cullen turned up for his hearing at Swansea magistrates' court so drunk he was prohibited from entering the building. Wiggins disappeared from the court. Neither returned so both were tried in absentia. Cullen, 33, and Wiggins, 45, were convicted of burglary and theft and will be sentenced later this week.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: MooMom Re: Automatic disconnect Webby, Hi....can you tell me why when I get connected and get on line or check my e-mail this dumb thing will disconnect after a few minutes or so and I have to reconnect again and so on. It started doing this about a week or so ago. Thanks so much. Moo Mom Dear Moo Mom It seems you have your email configured to disconnect after checking for mail. Have a look at http://support.hubris.net/knowledge_base/016.html and see how to turn that setting off with your particular email program. They have instructions for different email programs Have FUN! DearWebby
Kids never understand parent's logic. They always fail to see why they have to go to bed when the parents are tired.


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young minister, in his first days at his first parish, is obliged to conduct the funeral services for an eccentric man who has just died. At he funeral home, he stands before the open casket and tries to think of words to console the widow. Finally, the minister says, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Jones. But we must remember that what we see here is only the husk, the shell. The nut has gone to heaven."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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An octogenarian who is an avid golfer moves to a new town and joins the local country club. The first time he goes to the club to play, however, he-s told there isn-t anybody he can play with because all the members are already out on the course. The old fellow repeats several times that he really wants to play. Finally the assistant pro agrees to go out with him. The pro also says he-ll give the man a 12 stroke handicap. "I really don't need a handicap," he says. "I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he does play well, though on the 18th hole, after a long drive, his ball lands in a sand trap. Still, when he shoots from the trap, he hits a very high ball that bounces onto the green and rolls into the hole. The pro walks over to the sand trap where his opponent is still standing. "Nice shot," he says, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replies the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand and help me up out of this blasted sandpit."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Gorgeous Nature
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Dear Webby: Hate wide screen monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 28, 2009

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. --- George F. Will Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. --- Frank Leahy
Thanks to Dianne for this story: I had forgotten to buy a bottle of wine to take to a dinner party. I called my neighbor to see if he could let me have one of his, which I'd replace. He wasn't home, but since we have each other's house keys, I let myself in and chose an attractive bottle from his wine rack. The host and guests praised my choice of wine, and I managed to remove the label from the bottle before we left the party. My local liquor store didn't have that particular wine, but they referred me to another, more exclusive, store, which was delighted to sell me the replacement bottle... for $98! When I presented the bottle to my neighbor, I thanked him and praised his fine taste in wine. He proudly told me the bottle I had replaced contained homemade wine. He had got the bottle from a recycling bin.
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
Thanks to Nita for this picture: Dear Webby, Picture is a male Evening Grosbeck feeding the little one while the female watches. Nita
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a drunk driver in Adelaide, South Australia Drunk stops at police station for directions An Adelaide man will face separate drink driving charges after going to a police station to ask for directions. The 27-year-old was breath-tested at the police station, charged with drink driving and had his licence cancelled on the spot. Police say the man went to the Aldinga station, south of Adelaide, on Friday to ask for directions to a local school so he could pick up his grandchildren. After being charged, the man left the Aldinga police station - and drove away. Patrols later found him driving again, with his grandchildren in the car. The man is due to face court next month. He will probably have a few more drunk driving charges by then.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: Hate wide screens Hi Webby, I have a techy question fer ya. I have one of those stoopid, new computer screens that's too wide. It stretches everything to fit the screen. It's all squished and unnatural looking. I want normal on the weird screen. Is there a way to tell my pc to make everything normal. I don't care if I have black on the edges or lose the top and bottom of the picture, just as long as everything is normal looking. Some day my old monitor is going to bite the dust and then all my pictures will be distorted on this crappy, new screen. Hallllp! Thanks for all the fine info you impart daily. It's much appreciated. Chuck Dear Chuck You can still get standard monitors. You just have to go in through the business entrance, not the garage sale entrance. With a bit of looking, you can even find portrait monitors or pivoting monitors like the Samsung SyncMaster 910t Samsung makes great monitors, but has an unchallenged reputation for the world's worst customer service. However, unless you use it for advanced gaming with ultra- fancy video cards, you won't need their support. Another monitor with a good reputation in the business world is the HP GS918A8 1280 x 1024 for $229 in Canada, probably about the same in the US. Again, go in through the business entrance, otherwise all you see is overpriced wide screens. Have FUN! DearWebby
Little Johnny loved surfing the Web, and kept track of his passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. His mother noticed his Disney password was, "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. And little Johnny said, "Because, they said it has to have at least four characters."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

An angry motorist goes back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbles to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologizes the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last that long."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things, the livestock, the crops. After three days, however, it is obvious that the nephew is getting bored, and the uncle is running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle has an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seems to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he goes. After a few hours, the nephew returns. "How did you enjoy that?" his uncle asks. "It was great," the nephew says. "I kinda like those dogs, so I took the cats instead. Got any more cats?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Frigid and Fragile
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Dear Webby: Computer is changing time on it's own 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 27, 2009

Dear Webby About the picture with the double rainbow: Most people don’t realize that the colors in the second rainbow are reversed from those in the first rainbow. It has to do with the number of times the light beam bounces around in the raindrop before it gets to your eyeball. You might want to mention that, since most people I have mentioned it to have thought it was fascinating. Thanks for the laughs, the tech support, and the thought-provoking items. Aloha, Michael Rodby Thanks, Michael! I had never realized that before either, but I will sure keep my eye out for it from now on! Have FUN! DearWebby
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' -- Ronnie Shakes

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Antonio Fernandez Martinez, 21, of Oakland, California Fake cop tries to stop real officer OAKLAND, California (AP) — Oakland police say a man impersonating a police officer tried to pull over a real undercover officer and was arrested. Police say 21-year-old Antonio Fernandez Martinez of Oakland was arrested Wednesday in the Fruitvale district after trying to pull over an unmarked police vehicle. Martinez was driving a Ford Crown Victoria outfitted with flashing lights, a microphone and loudspeakers. Martinez, a convicted car thief, will have his felony probation revoked and could face a prison term. The officer, Jim Beere, says Martinez probably thought he'd be an easy mark to rob.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Computer changes to wrong time at night. Good Afternoon Webby, I hope you're having a blissful Sunday. I have a situation and I don't know how to fix it. My computer continues to give me the wrong time. I have gone into the change the time, changed it back to daylight savings, clicked the applied button and clicked "OK". The time then appears to be correct in my lower right corner of the monitor. Sometime during the night, the clock time changes back an hour again. Have any clues? Many thanks for this answer and the several you have helped with in the past. Carol Dear Carol There is no known hardware reason for the time to change by exactly one time zone. Have you got it set to adjust to Summer time automatically? Have FUN! DearWebby
Sara, it is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving on Electricity in the Summer We live in Central Mississippi and the weather is hot everyday, between 95 and 100. We are trying to keep our air conditioning costs down for the summer and save money, so the ceiling fans and box fans are getting used a lot. We have also just installed a clothesline in our yard and are hanging the clothes out to dry. If they are too stiff after coming in, then they are run through the dryer for 10 minutes at night. So far our electric bill is over $100 less than it was last year at this time. By Donna from Mississippi Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man walks into an animal hospital with a gigantic parrot and asks to have the bird's beak and wings trimmed. The owner warns the veterinarian's assistant that the bird dislikes these procedures and is apt to bite. The assistant puts on thick gloves and cautiously opens the cage. The parrot steps out, then looks up at the wary assistant. "Don't worry," the parrot squawks, "this won't hurt a bit, ...... and you wanted a vasectomy anyway."
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A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say the blessing when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously. "It seems to me that I have asked for a blessing on all this stuff before."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Ducks Hunting
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Dear Webby: cards from actioncat.com 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 26, 2009

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. --- Cyril Connolly He who hesitates is a damned fool. --- Mae West It is bad luck to be superstitious. --- Andrew W. Mathis When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. --- Bernard Bailey The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. --- Will Rogers
Tammy goes to the hospital desk and says she needs to see an upturn. The nurse says, "You mean 'intern'." "Whatever. I need to get a contamination." The nurse corrected her, "You mean an 'examination'." "Whatever. I think I need to go to the fraternity ward." Again, the nurse said, "You mean the 'maternity' ward." "Upturn / Intern, contamination / examination, fraternity / maternity, WHATEVER ! All I know is that I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant !"
Tony and John met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Tony asked. "Not too good," John replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Tony said. "What business were you in?" "I sell lucky charms," said John.
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk". See the second rainbow?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Maurice Mason, 32, of Lake Worth, Florida Clerk gives robber a knuckle sandwich and a zap GREENACRES - While police watched video of Michael Maurice Mason stealing lottery tickets a day earlier, they heard a dispatch of a robbery and caught him running down the street with a cash register, authorities said. Mason, 32, of suburban Lake Worth, is charged with petit larceny and five counts of lottery violations as well as drug possession. On Thursday, Judge Ted S. Booras ordered Mason held in lieu of $21,000 bail. According to a Greenacres Public Safety report, about 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, Mason came into the Isla del Sol Coqui restaurant, 3092 Jog Road at 10th Avenue North. The cashier said Mason asked for change for $10, and when the cashier asked to see the bill, he began screaming, "I want change!" When the cashier turned to call 911, Mason grabbed $40 from a tip box, then yanked the cash register, containing about $292, off the counter and ran out. He was captured after a brief chase.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: no name AOLer Re: Actioncat.com postcards The last several cards I've received thru Action Cat postcards, the links in the email have not worked. They are linked to actioncat.com instead of http://www.actioncat.com. Thought you might like to know. It's very irritating to have to go to the site and the pick up window. Dear Noname AOLer For properly set up domains like Actioncat.com, it makes no difference whether you use www or not. I have no idea why AOL is blocking you from receiving your cards. Just visit a friend, who is not handicapped with "Alzheimers Outta Luck", and retrieve the card there. People on the real Internet have no problem receiving and retrieving Actioncat.com postcards. By the way, has anybody ever told you, that on the real Internet it is considered rude, if somebody just blurts like a sandbox terrorist, without salutation and valediction? I realize that is unfortunately the norm on AOL, but it is easy enough to outgrow. Have FUN! DearWebby
A loaded minivan pulls into the only remaining campsite. Four children leap from the vehicle and begin feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rush to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marvels to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." "I have a system," says the father. "No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Inexpensive Solar Drapes For an inexpensive alternative to solar drapes, go to a camping store and buy emergency solar blankets. Tacky glue can be used to make a pocket for a tension rod to slip through. Fold the solar blankets to the length needed and then make the pockets for the tension rod. The new solar curtain can be put up behind the existing blinds or drapes. It makes a world of difference in keeping your home cooler. The solar blankets are available at some tool outlets or camping stores and are very reasonable in price. They are sturdier and larger than the thin solar curtains on the market. By Meari If at all possible, put the solar blankets outside the glass, or at least as snug and close to the glass as possible. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Porridge: Budget conscious parent will tell you that it is a traditional, nutritious, lovingly prepared hot cereal breakfast dish. Kids will tell you that the name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in his paintings that are on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replies. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Good Day - Bad Day
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to tell the version of Windows? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  July 25, 2009

Prosperity belongs to those who learn new things the fastest." --- Paul Zane Pilzer When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. --- Thomas Szasz
"Look at ME!" boasted a man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit- ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 65th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How, with a bran muffin ? "
Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," said the other, "that would certainly revolutionize the arguing after every football game about who should have won, !"
After sunset from my office window See the sliver of moon above the horizon?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tracy Armstead, 29, of Houston, Texas Clerk gives robber a knuckle sandwich and a zap Jul 24, 3:30 PM (ET) HOUSTON (AP) - A robbery attempt in Houston turned into a knuckle sandwich for the suspect. Sandwich store clerk Yava Matthews punched the man in the mouth as he tried to get away with some money. Matthews said the man Monday night lunged over the counter and grabbed her cash drawer. Matthews said her "initial response was to hit him. So I hit him." Matthews said the two were then "tussling, tussling and tussling," so she asked customers and others witnessing the struggle if anyone had something to restrain the man. A lot of people were standing around and I told them to give me something. Somebody brought me some handcuffs, so I got him and I handcuffed him,” Matthews said. Then someone handed her a Taser. “I got the Taser in my hand and I am Tasing him and he says, ‘I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.’ I said, ‘If you can talk to me, you can breathe. So be quiet before I Taser you again,’” Matthews said. She says that Armstead, who is 5 feet 11 inches tall and weighs 235 pounds, began to cry. Seconds later, the police arrived. “There were about 15 police cars and I was so excited to see them. When they came, they told me that I could get up now, and I said, ‘Are you sure? Are you positive about that?’” said Matthews. Police are calling her a hero, but her customers are calling her Rambo.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Which version of Vista Dear Webby; how do I check to se which version of windows I am running. on this computer......windows vista home premium. bob Dear Bob Try the Windows key plus PAUSE. Have FUN! DearWebby
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned Rich to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage." "Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but that isn't quite all there." "Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Weather Planning for Vacation When planning a vacation, be aware of your destinations weather and temperatures. Some folks who come to Las Vegas, NV, think just because they're coming to "the desert", that it's going to be warm. Not if you come in the winter months, we, too, have cold weather. You might be be getting an inexpensive plane fare and hotel rates, but you could have to spend your savings at a local clothing store buying warmer clothes than what you brought with you. I've heard of lots of people who have to buy long sleeves shirts and jackets, after arriving to what they thought was going to be a warmer climate. By Terri from NV Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy: Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner: 15 minutes looking for assignment. 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment. 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children. 8 minutes in the bathroom. 10 minutes getting a snack. 7 minutes checking the TV Guide. 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment. 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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The first week they were married Mick gave his wife almost all his wages for that week, except for fifty pence, which he kept for himself. The next pay-day his wife said to him "Mick, it must have been hard to manage on fifty pence for the week, I don't know how you did it." "You will" he said grimly, "It's your turn to have fifty pence this week...."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Style Your Garage
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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dear Webby, is IE8 really necessary? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Fridday,  July 24, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

I improve on misquotation. --- Cary Grant Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice. --- George Jackson There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Gotta love them Southern boys.... We visit Raleigh, NC, where a state cop stopped a drunken driver. While he was ticketing the man, there was a multi-car accident on the other side of the divided highway. The highway patrolman told the drunk to wait. The patrolman went across the highway to sort out the accident. After awhile the drunk figured he'd waited long enough and he drove on home and told his wife that if anybody asked she should say he had been in bed with the flu all day. Within the hour, two state patrolmen appeared at the home of the drunken driver and asked to see him. He came from the bedroom wrapped in a robe and coughing and wheezing. The patrolman asked if he'd been drinking that evening, and he said he'd been sick in bed. They apologized for bothering him and asked if they could take a look at his car. The drunk escorted them to the garage and inside was - a highway patrol car, the blue lights still flashing.
A lady is speeding, and an officer pulls her to the side of the road. As she pulls off onto the shoulder, she realizes she isn't wearing a seat belt. She puts the car in park and quickly slips on the belt as the officer approaches. After talking to her about speeding, the officer says, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she smiles and replies. "Well," asks the officer, "do you always wear it looped through your steering wheel?"
A mother and father are talking about how to improve the behavior of their seemingly incorrigible son. "Maybe we should buy him a bike for his birthday," the mother suggests. "Do you really believe that will help improve his behavior?" her husband asks. "Well, no," she admits. "But it will spread it over a wider area."
Thanks to Randal for these pictures: That's it! A beer bellied Alberta cowboy at 40 miles per hour is more than I can handle. I'm going back to Pamplona and mess with anorexic Spaniards. ---- You can send these, and pictures like them, from Randal's site as free postcards.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Todd Joseph Olin, 40, of Comstock Park, Michigan Drunken driver parks on Mich. police post's lawn Jul 23, 8:56 PM (ET) PAW PAW, Mich. (AP) - Authorities said a lost and confused drunken driver picked the wrong place to stop and rest - the front lawn of the Michigan State Police post in Paw Paw. Police said the man drove onto the lawn of the post early Thursday after overshooting the station's parking lot. He was visibly intoxicated and had vomited on himself. The driver told officers he couldn't remember where he was coming from but said he was going to his Grand Rapids-area home. Michigan State Police said in a statement the man simply happened to choose the post as a resting spot. The man's blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit. Police said he was arrested six times previously for drunken driving and his license has been revoked a long time ago. Olin was arraigned Thursday in Van Buren County District Court on charges of felony operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated and drving with a suspended/revoked license, a misdemeanor, police said. A judge ordered Olin to be held on $25,000 bond. "He's probably cursing luck thinking he's the unluckiest person for ending up where he did," Carlson said. "But he's probably the luckiest guy in the world for ending up where he did considering he could have easily driven the wrong way down the freeway ... or he could have kept going down (60th Avenue) which ends at a lake."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helen Re: Is IE8 necessry? Dear Webby; I read the instructions you gave for blocking IE8, but my husband says I need to install it to keep up on the latest security that Microsoft has to offer. What's your opinion? Thanks for your daily uplift! Helen Dear Helen IE8 is not evil, just klutzy. If he wants a klutzy browser, let him cuss at it. You can always use FireFox. It is much better, and then you don't have to worry about which IE he is currently cussing at. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two young women -- best friends -- try to do everything together. One day, one announces that she is going to start a diet to lose the pounds she has recently gained. "Good," the other exclaims. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," the first woman replies. "I'll ride with you. Let's go to Burger King."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pay Off Your House I have been re-reading Possum Living by Dolly Freed. Her number one thrifty tip is to have your house paid for. She says: "Have you read John Steinbeck's 'The Grapes of Wrath' When we read it, it completely amazed us. All that starvation, squalor and general misery the Okies were forced to endure stemmed from only two roots: 1. The fact that they didn't own their homes outright. 2. Their mule-headed determination to rely on the money economy. They would have had problems, but not all the grief they had, if they had owned their homesteads in Oklahoma. The geek who stayed behind living on wild rabbits probably wound up living better than anyone else in the story." Dolly might be a little rough, but basically she is right. She's talking about the Great Depression, of course, and some people feel we are headed into that again. So many of us are living from paycheck to paycheck, paying interest on everything we "buy" and buying stuff we don't need. A paid-for house, at least in our current government, is pretty good insurance against starving. But don't make the mistake of using it for collateral on a loan, or you can still lose it. There have been so many newspaper articles in the past three months on people who were well off, at least on paper, who are now homeless. Whatever you have to do, pay off that mortgage. By Coreen from Rupert, ID Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

One day, Little Johnny visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage Little Johnny's arm. "I think you'd better bandage the other arm" , said Little Johnny. "But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it." "Doc, you really don't have a clue about how my friends behave!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Birds of a Feather
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: AOL Trick 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 23, 2009

"The punishment of wise men who refuse to take part in the government is to live under the government of worse men." --- Plato What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive? --- Irv Kupcinet
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months" on the board and then she said, "Johnnie , how should I correct that?" Johnnie replied, "Get a new boyfriend?"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Thanks to Ann for these pictures: Hi Webby, Well, Hotmail finally stopped your Humor letter from coming to my mailbox. I wrote to them and it took about a week, but they are letting you in again. Glad I don't have to keep going to the website to read you. I thought you might like to see these pics. This little Hummingbird flew into our garage and couldn't figure out how to get out. It kept flying up near the ceiling and there are lots of "dust bunnies" up there and they tangled around its beak. Finally exhausted it went into my husband's hand. If you look at the pic closely you can see its beak covered with the webbing. I cleaned it off and we took it to the bird bath and it perked right up. It still sat in his hand for another few minutes before flying off to a tree. Hope you are having a great week, Ann
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Wayne Peters, 17, and Keith Rapheal Boudreaux, 30, in Panama City Beach, Florida TV looked awfully familiar It seemed like more than a lucky coincidence when two men called a Panama City Beach man offering to sell him a 32-inch, flat-screen TV for only $150. It was a 32-inch, flat-screen TV just like the one he had lost in a burglary, and they seemed to know that he needed one. Actually, investigators determined it was the same 32-inch, flat-screen TV, newsherald.com reports. Joshua Wayne Peters, 17, and Keith Rapheal Boudreaux, 30, now are in the Bay County Jail, charged with burglary of a dwelling and dealing in stolen property.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helene Re: AOL trick Dear Webby; Your letter's a pleasure to read. The stories are both educational and entertaining. I'm curious as I know AOL has caused problems for your recipients, especially if they want to vote or follow a link -- if I hold and press the cursor for about 10 seconds, it will eventually take me to the link I'm trying to get. Why does it matter about holding & pressing the link down? Although I can't understand that, it DOES work. Any theories? Thanks a lot for your thoughts. Helene Dear Helene That seems to be an exclusive AOL "feature", that we don't have up here on the real Internet. However, I am glad for you, that you found a trick to bypass their censorship! Have FUN! DearWebby
David's wife was mad at him, because he forgot her birthday. Quick-witted, David said, "But how do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Plant Shade Trees to Conserve Energy I have a large shade tree on the south side of my property that keeps the summer sun off of my mobile home. This shade tree makes such a big difference that I rarely need air conditioning. It's a large cedar, but any fast growing tree will work. If you plant a tree that loses it's leaves in the fall, then you'll still get the benefit of winter sunshine to help heat your home! By Cyinda from Near Seattle Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. And then there are those of us who consider a recipe as an approximate starting point for wild experiments and wacky changes, and who get impatient when other people can't get the same results, when they follow a simple recipe.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say Hi ! to them, but he does not want to take his beer mug with him. So he keeps it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" thinking that no one will have it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: BBQ Sauce Recipes
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Fake postcard notices 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 22, 2009

There are two types of people-- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' --- Frederick L Collins You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. --- Olin Miller If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. --- Vince Lombardi
It is the end of the day, and a police officer parks his van in front of the station. A police dog is in the back, and when the officer turns off the motor, the dog begins to bark. The noise gets the attention of a little boy standing on the curb, and the boy asks, "Is that a dog you got back there?" "It sure is," the officer replies. Puzzled, the boy looks at him, then looks in at the dog. Finally he says to the cop, "What'd he get busted for ?"
Thanks to Gloria for this story: A very gentle Texas lady was driving across the Pecos High Bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to (means 'getting ready to' in Texas ) jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo." He replied, ''What's the Alamo?'' She replied, ''Well, bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee.''
I've noticed the oddest behavior with yuppettes. The only time they won't look in a mirror is when they're pulling out of a parking space. Two Yuppies were discussing their current relationships: "At first she seemed dull and uninteresting, but when you finally get to know her, she's downright boring."
Turbo Mouse
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to AT&T in San Jose, California Fridge clean requires office evacuation A Californian call centre had to be evacuated and a seven people taken to hospital - after a bid to clear the office fridge. The stench of rotting food was so bad that firefighters had to clear the AT&T building in downtown San Jose, reports San Jose Mercury. Seven workers were taken to hospital and another 28 taken ill after a worker decided it was time to clean out the mini-fridge. The mixture of old food and two different cleaning chemicals caused people to need treatment for vomiting and nausea. But authorities said the worker who cleaned the refrigerator didn't need any treatment - as she can't smell because of allergies. Capt Barry Stallard, of the San Jose fire department, said he was unsure what had been left in the fridge but said the smell was like rotting meat.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elke Re: Fake postcards? Dear Webby; I keep getting all these fake postcards, supposedly sent from my address to my address, from some site that I have never heard of. Unlike real postcards, the pick-up notice has no security number, does not mention the name of the sender or my name. And they are sent with Microsoft Windows Mail, not by a SUN or Linux server. They are obviously as fake as a three dollar bill, and I can't imagine anybody being silly enough to fall for it. They keep trying, though, and are getting to be a nuisance. How do I clip them? Thanks Elke Dear Elke Look at the FROM line: From: "greetingcard.org" On your own mail or on a legitimate postcard, you would see "Elke *******" If you have MailWasher, it's easy to make a filter: If the FROM CONTAINS etanner@*****.com and the FROM DOES NOT CONTAIN Elke, then delete the email automatically, without showing it. That also eliminates any other crap that has your address forged in as the sender address. Have FUN! DearWebby
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked it be turned down because he was too hot, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Low Cost Teeth Cleaning Check with your local college or business school to see if they have a dental hygienist program. They usually offer low cost teeth cleaning and other services. It is done by students, but everything is checked by an instructor. So you get a good cleaning, although it may take a little longer. By Ginger from Duluth, MN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While the US stock market is at an all time low, the ups and downs frighten a lot of small investors like me. Bob went to his financial advisor at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. Bob was amazed and asked, "Really ??? Even with all the fluctuations?" He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say Hi ! to them, but he does not want to take his beer mug with him. So he keeps it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" thinking that no one will have it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Museum of glass
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How do I start automatic updates? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 20, 2009

It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art. --- Oscar Wilde Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. --- Aldous Huxley People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. --- Socratex Man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. --- Confucius
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. A passenger asks the captain, "Who is that man, and why is he so upset?" "I've no idea," the captain says, "but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where Sue was spending her vacation, but she finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There she saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. She walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. "I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said. "And I'm going to get color - even if it's blue."
A couple of Redneck hunters in the rural south are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what do I do next?"
Thanks to dad for this picture: This is the same Notalsofia in better lighting.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jason Nesbitt of Vero beach, Florida No espect for beer VERO BEACH, FL -- Vero Beach police say Jason Nesbitt was pointed out by a police officer responding to a domestic battery call on Monday. When Cpl. Oscar Dominquez arrived, he noticed that Nesbitt fit the description of an armed robber wanted in a Kwik Stop robbery from the week before. The girlfriend of the apparent armed robber was shown the surveillance video from Kwik Stop and she positively Identified the suspect as her boyfriend, Jason Nesbitt. Police say the Kwik Stop store at 1401 16th street was robbed on July 2nd at 10:30pm. A white male entered the store, grabbed a can of beer from a cooler then approached the cashier. The man appeared to be holding an object that looked like a firearm, according to police. The male then instructed the cashier to give him all of the money. The suspect was handed the cash and exited the store, riding away on a bicycle, leaving behind his beer can at the counter. Jason Nesbitt's fingerprints matched with the fingerprints lifted from the can of beer left at the scene by the suspect. On Tuesday, Det. Charles Moran charged Jason Nesbitt with robbery of the Kwik Stop store. Jason Nesbitt is currently being held in the Indian River County Jail on assault, battery, and robbery charges.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: How do I do automatic updating Dear Webby; Thanks for the beautiful cactus pic today. Your dad some has some pretty ones. I loved the jokes today too. Especailly the one about the pastor & mayor & dead mule. Our church is in a rual area & one of our members is the mayor of the small town our church is in so of course I dahd to forward it on to him. As to your tech dept today- how to I get to miocrosoft updating? I tried before but got confused & didn't want to take the chance of getting things I don't want. Like IE7 or 8 & the sp 2 & 3 pks. I have Windows xp- sp pk1. Thanks so much for all the fun & wonderful pc tips. Have a purrfect day, Sharon Dear Sharon XP-SP2 is OK SP3 will probably ruin your machine. To turn on Automatic Updates in Windows XP (SP2) Click Start, and then click Control Panel. Click Automatic Updates. Choose Automatic (recommended). Then in there, select Notify me but don't automatically download or install files. That gives you a chance to veto stuff that you don't want. Have FUN! DearWebby
At a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true ! I do so enjoy sex !" Then, turning to the counselor, she explained: "But this blimey bloke expects it four or five times a year !"


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bring an Empty Water Bottle Through Airport Security Since we are not allowed to bring liquids on the plane, when I travel I carry an empty water bottle. After passing through security I fill the bottle with water from the fountain. Then I have water to drink on the plane. By Walter from Chapel Hill, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A farmer named O'Rourke lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on... After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so O'Rourke went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Michael replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." O'Rourke said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Michael: "Now, now... why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"
Brother Smith called his bishop and said: "I know today is General Conference but, the 49'ers are in the playoffs. Bishop I am a long- time fan. I've got to watch the 49'ers game on TV." The bishop responds: Brother, that's what VCR's are for." Brother Smith is surprised. "You mean I can tape General Conference?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Snowed under
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Two updates in July? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  July 19, 2009

Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one. --- A. J. Liebling If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. --- Joe Martin, Mister Boffo
While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?" "Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever."
In Canada the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are? In England they say "Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is? In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?" In Washington they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."
Thanks to dad for this picture: Notalsofia bloomed today
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Evan Zuleger, 18, of Bexar County, Texas Busted 'parking,' naked man hits deputy with car Evan Zuleger, 18, is facing charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Bexar County Sheriff's deputies say the young man and his girlfriend were parked in a Lexus on the side of the road near Babcock and Scenic Loop Road. A passing patrol officer took notice. Deputy Ino Badillo said the patrol officer shined a spotlight on the car and started flashing his red and blue lights. Badillo says that's when Zuleger jumped from the back seat to the front, leaving his clothes still on the floor. Deputies say Zuleger started driving the car straight toward the officer. He allegedly struck the officer in the hip and leg area. The arrest warrant says the officer fell to the ground and later had to go to the hospital. Badillo says shortly after hitting the officer, Zuleger lost control of his car and smashed into a telephone pole. Not giving up, he jumped out of the car and took off running. Deputies say he still didn't have a stitch of clothing on. However, besides his clothes, he also left his naked girlfriend behind in the crashed car to deal with the patrol officer. Badillo said she had no problem giving up Zuleger's name and address. However, when deputies knocked on the door of his Shavano Park home, Zuleger's maid answered and said Zuleger wasn't home. Deputies say Zuleger ended up turning himself in Wednesday afternoon. In addition to the aggravated assault charges, deputies say he also could face charges of evading arrest and possession of marijuana.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ollie Re: two Microsoft patches in July? Dear Webby I have been told that Microsoft sends out their bug fixes on the second Tuesday of the month, and that patches at other dates are likely bogus. What's the story with the second round of patches this month? Ollie Dear Ollie It seems legit and from Microsoft. Probably the bug fixes had bugs that needed to be fixed right away and could not wait until next month. They didn't slow Windows down much more. As long as the bug fixes come in through the regular Microsoft update, don't worry about them. Make sure you do the updting in CUSTOM mode, not Express. That way you can stop undesirable items like IE8 or SP3. Have FUN! DearWebby
A cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 90s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it down to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped onto solid ground, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Bandannas as Cloth Napkins For a cute, country touch to your dinner table, use colorful bandannas for napkins. We used to use a roll of paper towels, instead of paper napkins, but then I discovered how inexpensive bandannas are, when purchased through online websites. Buy the heavy-use ones by the dozen, they're less than 50 cents apiece that way! By LS from Boise, ID Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied;"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates. Finally a friend asks him, 'What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?' 'No,' Jimmy replies. 'I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!' 'Listen,' his friend suggests, 'Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?' Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. 'So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?' Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, 'Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they quickly became friends.' 'Are you and this girl engaged, yet?' 'I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!'
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Accidental inventions
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby:4:3 ratio monitors 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  July 17, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others. --- Cyril Connolly Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. --- Evan Esar
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when a rooster strayed ran out onto the road. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Better get busy." the farmer replied, "There are 100 hens waiting at the back of the barn."
How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb? ARIES: A crew. You want to make something of it? TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away. GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done! CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process. LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out. VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. LIBRA: ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you? SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order. SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.... PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
http://englishrussia.com/?p=3043#more-3043 Russian style Hillbilly House Addition
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Max Kirsch, 29, in Bochum, Germany Man drove car down train tunnel A German motorist mistook an underground train tunnel for a road and drove 200 metres along the tracks before he realised. Max Kirsch, 29, faces drunk driving charges after getting his Vauxhall Corsa stuck in the train tunnel in Bochum. Police and fire trucks had to be scrambled in the middle of the night to stop trains and help remove the car from the tunnel. Kirsch, 29, had veered left into the tunnel after heading down a service road and had not realised what he had done. He told police he was simply trying to get to downtown Bochum after seeing the latest Harry Potter movie. And despite the bumpy ride he claimed he had not noticed anything was wrong until the car ground to a halt when the suspension collapsed. Police spokesman Frank Plewka said: "It seems he didn't notice something was wrong until he got out of the car. When he did realise where he was, he had to call the fire department to help get his car out.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Robert Re: Hate wide screens Dear Webby I hate the sawed off wide screen monitors! Where can you get regular 4:3 work monitors? While I would gladly switch to power saving LCD monitors whenever a monitor needs to be replaced, I refuse those sawed off play screens for myself, and I won't make my staff use them either. Why doesn't anybody listen to industry and commerce? Robert Dear Robert Amen! I feel exactly the same and simply refuse to buy anything that isn't the standard 4:3 ratio, no matter whether it is a desktop monitor or a laptop. Here are some links for standard 4:3 monitors: 4:3 monitors More 4:3 monitors Have FUN! DearWebby
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species". Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?" The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shrinking Package Sizes In this economy, food companies are shrinking package sizes as we have all found out. Pay very close attention when shopping, even at dollar stores. Check ounces on cereal boxes to get the best price for the most product. Aluminum foil has been selling 20 square feet for a dollar but if you check, you can find 25 square feet for a dollar. My grocery store has a dollar section for a lot of products and I go there first to see what I can find. Be vigilant and save money. By Kim from Franklin Park, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Husband: "Why were you driving so fast?" Wife: "Because the brakes don't work on my car, and I wanted to get home before I had an accident."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pet Digs
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Mailwasher to dump spam with forged sender address 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  July 16, 2009

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --- Al Gore Yeah, you tell 'em, Al. Volcanoes should be outlawed or at least taxed!
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Nile Lily
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kayti Dryer, 23, Lewes, East Sussex, England What's a Golf handicap? You would expect someone who takes a set of golf clubs on holiday to have a reasonable understanding of the game. But when suspicious Customs officials asked Kayti Dryer what her handicap was, she apparently thought they were questioning her about a disability. When she was unable to answer, they seized the clubs and found £83,000 worth of cocaine hidden inside the shafts. Yesterday the 23-year-old was starting a four-year prison sentence after admitting smuggling the drugs.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Friz Re: Mailwasher Dear Webby I have a unique problem, I think. I get a lot of spam that has my address forged in as the sender. I guess my address is on a few spammer's lists. Now, because I do have the bad habit of sending email to myself as a way of saving important notes, I can't just go and blacklist myself. A friend told me that MailWasher can handle that and to ask you how to do that. Thanks for any help Friz Dear Friz First download MailWasher Pro from http://webby.com/mailwasher and install it. It will help if you write down your mail info, like user name and password and POP Server Name, because you will need them during the installation. MailWsher checks your mail right on the server, and if it is spam, it won't bother downloading it. It nukes it right on the server. That is why it needs the same access as your mail program. Then let it run. A lot of spam will be recognized and dumped before you even start making filters. Next make a filter that checks the FROM field to ee if it CONTAINS (your address), and then checks again the FROM field to see if it DOES NOT CONTAIN (the name you use in the FROM) then tell that, if those conditions apply, to hide the mail, and delete it automatically. Since the spammers just forge your address, but use a legitimately looking name, like Microsoft.com, that filter traps and murders those spams. Unseen, in the dark. Have FUN! DearWebby
More Daffinitions: Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Obamize: Say one thing, do the opposite.


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Marvin's trailer house, Marvin asked: "What is the usual tip?" "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Marvin. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." "What are you studying?" asked Marvin. The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Old Persia
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: MSN mail malfunction 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  July 15, 2009

There's no reward in life without risk. --- Barry J. Farber Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand. --- Putt's Law Confusion is always the most honest response. --- Marty Indik
The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later..."
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead. "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."
Thanks for all your help & ideas. Picture is of a deer that wandered into our yard today down by Foley Creek. Nita
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Barry Kenny, 28, Hartlepool, England Man freed thanks to penis lizard tattoo July 10, 2009 11:11 AM A man who appeared in court accused of flashing his penis at a female train guard has walked free, thanks to a tattoo on his manhood. Hartlepool magistrates court had been told how 28-year-old Barry Kenny had drunkenly displayed his willy during a train journey from Newcastle to Hartlepool. But the woman had not mentioned any "distinguising marks" on the penis and Barry has a two inch long lizard tattoo running along his penis. As a result his solicitor was able to get the charges dropped, but only after Barry offered to show his willy to magistrates. Before being reminded he was under oath Barry had wanted to claim the tattoo was seven inches long.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: MSN Mail Malfunction Dear Webby called msn. and they suggest that you should email postmaster.live.com and fill out item that you are not spam......... love your site and disgusted with them choosing who to block....... thank you Sharon Dear Sharon They lied to you. Webby IS registered with Microsoft and has a Listed Sender ID, as has been shown in the header for about a dozen years. Just in case they trashed their Listed Sender ID database again, I submitted the domain again. However, I am not going to waste time arguing with their auto-responders. Just get a respectable address. If they are not competent enough to deliver the Humor Letter, they will mess up with other important mail too. Have FUN! DearWebby
Marvin has gotten to the age where he needs his false teeth and hearing aid before he can ask where he left his glasses.


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee." The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again." ------------ Reminds me of my student days. It was common knowledge there that nobody EVER got arrested while on Gymnasium Street.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
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Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly - adj., impotent. Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp. Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver. Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline. Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers. Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor. Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Strollin Cats
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: How to close email accounts 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  July 14, 2009

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. --- Robert Orben
A driver who was bringing a meticulously prepared and pre-dented bus to a location in New York City for an on-location movie shoot, was too early and drove to a nearby restaurant to wait there. Just to be funny, he carefully lined up the artificial dent at the front with a light pole. When he came back out of the restaurant, there were eight passengers in the bus, moaning and groaning about whiplash and talking to their lawyers on their cellphones.
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains of Alberta spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 1200-foot embankment, landed on it's roof, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.
Thanks to Dora for this story: One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40+, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us. "Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought. Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."
German Pick Up
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alexa Longueira, 15, New York Walking without due care and attention Teen Girl Falls In Open Manhole While Texting A teenage girl, Alexa Longueira, fell into an open manhole while sending a text message as she walked down the street in New York. City officials are now investigating why the pavement manhole was left uncovered with no warning signs, with the girl's family planning legal action. "It was four or five feet, it was very painful. I kind of crawled out and the DEP guys came running and helped me. They were just, like, 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!'" The girl's mother Kim Longueira said that the workers had a responsibility to keep the "putrid" hole covered, even though her daughter had not been paying attention. "She's all scraped up on her back, under her arms and her shoulders," she told The New York Daily Times. "We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery," said Mercedes Padill, a DEP spokeswoman. Street sewers carry rain and street run-off towards the deeper main sewers.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bren Re: Closing email accounts Dear Sir, How do I go about closing an e-mail account with yahoo.com and usa.com so I can switch to my g-mail acct? Sincerely, Bren Dear Bren 1) set up your Gmail account. 2) tell everybody in your address book to change your address to the Gmail address. 3) change all your subscriptions over to the Gmail address 4) forward your yahoo and usa,com mails to your Gmail address to catch stragglers, who procrastinate with updating their address books. Eventually the old accounts will fizzle out Have FUN! DearWebby
The teenaged girl discovered she was pregnant. She moaned to a friend, "I knew we should have just gone to the movies." The friend asked, "Well... why didn't you?" "We couldn't." she replied. "The only good ones playing were all R-rated, and wouldn't allow us in."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Check Clearance Racks Year Round I always search the clearance racks all year round. It's great when you can buy sweaters (for fall) in May and June. Never pay full price for kids school clothes. Always search online sites as well. Try different stores online and go directly to their clearance page. By Lisa from WNY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my wife. I'll never forget that game of cards...."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

Leroy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which Leroy responds "If I'm gonna BE m-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Seriously Twisted Trees
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Import OE addresses and data into Gmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  July 13, 2009

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." --- Lucille S. Harper The measure of a persons perceived intelligence is proportional to the amount of time she or he keeps his mouth shut. --- Socratex
When does a doctor suggest emergency surgery? When he's ready for a new sports car.
When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!" After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?" "Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . did he mention anything about including matches in the package?"
Thanks to Nita for this picture of a Baby Barn Swallow:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to PETA in Seattle, Washington Dumber than fish July 11 Seattle, WA PETA members dressed as fish tried to draw a crowd when they lay on the ground outside the American Veterinary Medical Association conference in Seattle. The fish-tossing and veterinarian-vilifying PETA saga culminated Saturday outside Seattle's Washington State Convention & Trade Center with a rather dull protest, that was mostly ignored except by a few bored reporters. PETA has been arguing for weeks that veterinarians charged with animal care should not allow fish tossing at their conference. Fish are sensitive and intelligent [compared to PETA members], and their bodies should not be thrown around, said PETA campaign coordinator Ashley Byrne. The traditional fish tossing by Pike Place Fish Market fishmongers is one of Seattles prime tourist attraction. It doesn't involve live fish, just fish that have been netted and cleaned days before and that have been stored in ice during transport to a fish market and while on display there. When you buy a fish, you point to it and an attendant then tosses it over to another one at the cutting tables, who prepares it according to the customer's request.. The fish, which may have been dead for a week by then, have never shown any emotion about that, but because there isn't much else going on in Seattle, tourists like watching the action at the fishmongers, and giggle when one of the attendants almost drops a fish. Because that is Seattle's prime traditional tourist attraction, a brief performance had been scheduled for the conference attendees. The AVMA declined to change its plans, and fishmongers from the Pike Place Market threw three dead fish during a Saturday morning performance.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Transferring addresses from Outlook to Gmail Dear Webby Thanks as always for all your advise. I am (finally) considering giving up Outlook Express and switching to gmail...good idea? How do I transfer all my outlook data to Gmail? Addresses, saved emails etc., Also I just dowloaded Firefox 3.5 and wow is it ever fast...Love it. Thanks for your recommendations. Take care. Ann Dear Ann Gmail will import your OE data when you set it up. There is an option in there for importing stuff. Import to Gmail Have FUN! DearWebby
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."


Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church,just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked

A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in. Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate and passed it on, admiring that the man was being generous. Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sisters Outdoor Quilt Show
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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