Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 30/06 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 30, 2006
======================================

What can you say about a society that says that
God is dead and Elvis is alive?
-- Irv Kupcinet

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has
plenty of work to do.
-- Jerome K. Jerome

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to
earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he
starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and
drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla
until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He
discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he
wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger
crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires
of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the
people are paying more attention to the lion in the
next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls
across a partition, and dangles from the top of the
lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo
keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such
a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps
taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his
salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the
lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help!
Help me!"

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot or we'll both lose
our jobs!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo mail  for losing mail
   Telus    for losing mail
   hotmail  for getting worse than usual

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Sheila for this story from Down-Under: All I wanted to do was advertise my lawnmower for sale. You'd think that would be quite straightforward. But noooooo, not with The Australian. "Can I take your ad?" the cheerful typist answered when I called the hotline. "Ah, yes, I want to sell my lawnmower," I said. "In the Wanted to Sell section? Certainly, sir. What do you want to say?" she said. fingers obviously ready at her keyboard. "Um, what about "Lawnmower for sale, and then my phone number?" I said. I sensed her apprehension and I heard no typing. "Too much information?" I asked. "No, er, sir...actually, you need probably a few more details to attract prospective buyers," she said. "Concentrate on some of the selling points" "Like what?" I asked. "Well, sir, perhaps you could say what kind of a lawnmower it is." "It's an orange one, or at least it was when I bought it nine years ago. You can still see some bits of orange though between the caked-up dry grass." "No, I'm not sure the color, or even the color it used to be, is all that relevant," she said. "How about telling me what make of lawnmower it is?" "I dunno," I said. "There use to be a model number on the side. I know they don't make them anymore. It's probably still there under all the dried crud, but I can't see it." "Um, let's see," she said. "Maybe you can tell me if it is a two-stroke or a four-stroke engine. Prospective buyers probably would want to know that. "It's neither," I said. "It used to be electric." "Used to be? How do you man sir?" she asked. "I think the engine is shot," I said. "All it does now is go rrrrrrrrrr and blows one of the house fuses." "Oh, that doesn't sound very good," she said. "I know," I said. "I took it to the repair shop, and they said it would cost just as much to fix it as to buy a new one. Thast's why I want to sell it." "I see," she said. "Perhaps a handyman will buy it and do it up more cheaply than the repair shop can." "Yeah, that;s what I reckoned," I said. "I just hope they can fix the wheels too though." "The wheels?" the typist said. "What's wrong with the wheels?" "Nothing," I said. "They're nearly as good as the day I bought the lawnmower. Good tires and they go round and round and round, no worries." "But you said you hoped the buyer could fix them?" she said. "Yeah well, they keep falling off, that's all," I said. "They're good wheels though. If someone fixed them on really tight, they go round and round and round, no worries. Unless of course, the engine is burnt out. The the wheels just seem to sit there doing bugger-all as the lawnmower goes rrrrrrrrr and blows a house fuse. That's not the end of the world though, unless you don't happen to twig what's happening and great-uncle Isaac, whose head you are cryogenically storing in the freezer, begins to thaw out. Could be worse though. The lawnmower engine could suddenly start, unexpectedly, roar into life and you could accidentally run over the power cord and electrocute yourself and short the power circuit at the same time. Then your wife would really have some mess to clean up." "I see," said the typist. "And....er....how much do you want to ask for it?" "As much as I can get, or the nearest offer," I said. How much will this ad cost me? I better factor that in." "Ten dollars a line," she said. "So, what do you reckon I should say in the ad?" I asked, hoping to get some expert advice. "Oh dear, let's see," she said. She coughed. It sounded a bit like a surpressed laughter. "How about just... "Lawnmower for sale" and your phone number?" ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Raffaele Artesi, 41 from Turin, Italy Italian Mike Tyson September 27, 2006 - Turin, Italy - The Scotsman An Italian musician who could not board his flight because of overbooking was so enraged that he assaulted a Turin airport worker and almost bit his ear off. Raffaele Artesi, 41, had been due to fly to Naples. Artesi was arrested for the attack on Davide Ruzza whose left ear lobe was left dangling after being almost bitten off. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== After sunset from my office. The wide band is a "Chinook Arch". The streak on the right side is the Calgary - Dallas jet getting a bit nervous entering the Chinook's turbulence. =========================================== Are church bulletin board bloopers intentional, to start at least SOME form of communication? Sometimes I wonder. Sermon Outline: I. Delineate your fear II. Disown your fear III. Displace your rear Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo." Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. Fifth Sinday is Lent. Thank you, dead friends. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. Volunteers are needed to spit up food. Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess We pray that our people will jumble themselves. ===========================================
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=========================================== When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henny Youngman ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: BreastCancer Site Hi Webby, Please send to someone. It is Important!!!! A favor to ask, it only takes a minute... A SIMPLE CLICK ONCE A DAY! Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The BreastCancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/ AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 MORE FRIENDS TODAY, CJW Dear Chuck I have had a link to the breastcancer site in the side menu for many years. To make it more obvious and to illustrate the importance of that daily click, I have now added a new and very clickable little picture. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== A woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom." The voice on the other end of the line said, "Finkel...Finkel, Let me see... Feinberg, Farber -- Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news." The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family." She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor tells me nothing!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other "So, what do you hunt?" He answered "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 28, 2006 - Milwaukee, Wisconsin - AP Pat Gudinas has finally met her twin sister -- 71 years after they were born. "I've never had anybody in my family," she said at the reunion Tuesday at a suburban restaurant not far from where her sister, Shirley McGuire, lives. The twins were born to a woman who had been with a married man, and they ended up in different foster homes and eventually at St. Joseph Orphanage on Milwaukee's south side. Both girls were told while growing up that they were adopted and had a twin. The efforts by Gudinas to find her sister made significant progress recently when a nun in Chicago who had archival materials from the orphanage provided her with the name of the people who adopted her twin. She hired a genealogist to track her down with the help of public records and newspaper obituaries, and the genealogist showed up at McGuire's door recently, leading to the arrangements for their meeting Tuesday. "It's hard -- all these years I have missed with her," McGuire said after she and Gudinas, who lives near Austin, Texas, shared their first hug and kiss. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Dangers of Co-Signing The chances are that someone will ask you to co-sign for a loan at some point. With a co-signer a person with no credit or bad credit can qualify for a loan that they wouldn't ordinarily be able to get. However, co-signing for a loan is not something that should be done lightly. If the loan goes into default, you will be held responsible for the debt and it can impact your credit rating. Only co-sign on a loan that you are prepared to pay off yourself if it is necessary. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Jill was selling tickets at the movie house when I got a phone call. This woman said, "How much is a ticket?" Jill said, "Four dollars per seat." She asked, "How much for children?" Jill said, "Same price, four dollars per seat." She said, "The airlines charge half fare for children." Jill said, "Fine. Put the kids on a plane, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way." ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be mixed in with the humor here in the Humor Letter, but one click away at the Pervert Alerts DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Just want to say THANKS for all you are doing in protecting the grieving families of fallen veterans. What in heaven's name are these idiots doing at a grave site that is of no concern to them. Hope there is soon a way to stop them. P.S. I am not an American but I feel for the families. Keep up the good work and maybe they will get the message --You are not wanted here-- Thanks for listening. Cathy Dear Cathy I am not an American either, but American newsletter writers seem to be too chicken to stand up for what is right. Have FUN! DearWebby
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
========================================
Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Interprete" target="_blank" >http://tinyurl.com/jle8h">Interprete your dreams http://tinyurl.com/jle8h ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 29/06 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 29, 2006
======================================
To show support for the troops, wear something red on Fridays

Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on
after others have let go.
-- William Feather

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right
thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity.
-- George Bernard Shaw

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken
little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, "...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and
said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think he said - "Holy Cow!
A talking chicken!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo mail  for losing mail
   Telus    for losing mail
   hotmail  for getting worse than usual

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it." "This is my position, and I will not compromise!" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Aaron Janssen. 36 of polk County, Iowa ya mean dope is not legal in Iowa? September 23, 2006 - Des Moines, Iowa - The Des Moines Register Aaron Janssen made it way too easy. Janssen, 36, was arrested on marijuana charges Thursday, after he was spotted taking a leisurely stroll through downtown, carrying his recently harvested pot plants. Polk County Chief Deputy Mark Burdock said he did a double take when he looked out his office window at the county jail and saw Janssen walking down the sidewalk, carrying his freshly harvested crop. "I look out the window ... , and I see him walking north carrying a green leafy substance, all pulled up by its roots," Burdock said. "He was carrying it like you'd carry a bundle of presents. It was tall enough where he was looking over the top of them, and he's just walking like nothing's going on." Burdock said he went outside and yelled at Janssen, who walked right over to him, still carrying the plants. Janssen said the plants were part of his marijuana grown near the Des Moines River, but wouldn't say exactly where, Burdock said. Deputies also found two two-pound bags of processed marijuana strapped to each of Janssen's legs, and a third wrapped in a sweater. Burdock said the marijuana had an estimated street value of about $2,000. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to David for this picture: =========================================== A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says, "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Awww, just hold its nose." ===========================================
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=========================================== From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts...." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Windows Defender Hi Webby, I'm out of my league with Windows Defender Beta. I have no idea what this is, or if I should be updating the Windows Defender. I received a notice of update today, but in the content of the description there was a warning that you should have a 64 bit. I checked, per their instructions via start, computer, right click on properties, but I do not see anything about a 64 bit. Should I have Windows Defender on my computer at all? You've helped me in the past, and I'm seeking help again. Carol Dear Carol Windows Defender Beta is just Microsoft's attempt to come out with a program that will do what Spybot-Search&Destroy does, but that they can rent out on a monthly basis, IF and WHEN it is as good as Spybot-S&D. Well, so far it isn't, and so they are calling it Beta 2, and hope that you will volunteer and help them find the bugs in it. The data on my machines is too important to risk it with a Beta version of anti-spyware. Therefore I am sticking with Spybot-Search&Destroy. It works. and it's free. Spybot Search&Destroy is built and maintained by volunteers. They gratefully accept donations to help with the server costs, but they don't nag you about donations. If you have the full version of the Dear Webby Humor Letter, then you can click on the blue Spybot button I have for it in the side menu. If you have any other version, you can jump straight to the download area by going to http://webby.com/spybot http://webby.com/spybot Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. "What happened?" said the farmer. Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, "Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Robert went to see his doctor. He wasn't feeling well at all. He felt tired, run down, and generally suffering from exhaustion. "My diagnosis is simply that you are worn out," said the doctor. "I believe you've been playing too much golf." "Too much golf," exclaimed Robert. "What can I do?" "You need to take some time off and relax," said the doctor. "My advice to you is to spend some time at the office." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 27, 2006 - North Ridgeville, Ohio - AP People from as far away New Mexico and the Netherlands were in northern Ohio over the weekend, getting up close and personal with skunks. Skunk owner Jeri Lynn Poling says others may not understand, but skunks make great pets and are soft and cuddly. She thinks having a rat or a lizard or a snake is weird. Poling and other polecat enthusiasts gathered in North Ridgeville, about 25 miles southwest of Cleveland, for the sixth annual Skunkfest. The event raises money for Skunk Haven, a nonprofit group that saves and rehabilitates injured skunks. And, pet skunks compete in beauty, personality and costume contests. By the way, they all pass the sniff test, because those domesticated skunks are deodorized. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Your Spouse and Your Credit Score Keep in mind that your credit report may be tied to your spouse's. If your spouse has bad credit habits, it could effect your credit as well. Even a divorce will not necessarily eliminate negative marks against your credit since you may be held accountable for any joint accounts and shared debt. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Thanks to Phil for these requests from tenants: "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared." "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off." "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door." "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?" "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall." "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen." "The person next door has a large erection in his backyard, which is unsightly and dangerous." "Will you please send someone to repair our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant." "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like to have a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it." "Could you please send someone to fix the faucet in our bathtub? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us." "I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting to be too much." "When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a real mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy." ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be shown here in the Humor Letter. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Dear Webby, this is the only copy of humor letter I,ve gotten this week.Can you please tell me why I,m not getting them every day like i used to.I,ve written several times before but haven,t gotten any answers from you. I really miss the humor letter. It's the bright spot on my day. Thank you very much Helen Dear Helen Did you see who got a "Sniveling Ninnie" award and why ? You are not the only hoe mail victim, whose mail they lost. Do you want a referral for gmail ? It is currently the most reliable amongst the free emails. Have FUN! DearWebby
If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
========================================
Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Sistine in Waterloo Iowa http://tinyurl.com/jppqg ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 28/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 28, 2006
======================================

One forgives to the degree that one loves.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

It's not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts.
-- Adlai Stevenson-Nightingale

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to sound like he
knew what he was doing and went out walking with one of
the hired hands.  Walking through the barnyard, the visitor
tried starting a conversation and said, "Say, look at that
big bunch of cows over there."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows.  There's a big bunch of 'em
right over there."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo mail  for losing mail
   Telus    for losing mail
   hotmail  for getting worse than usual

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Coming out of church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?" "I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Peterson. "And that dress Mrs. Hansen was wearing," continued Mrs. Peterson, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper costume for a mother of two." "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Peterson. "Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Peterson. "A lot of good it does YOU to go to church." ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Raymond, James and Richard Pattin from Hamburg, NJ Wedding Violence September 25, 2006 - Gloucester, Massachusetts - CBS A wedding in Gloucester over the weekend will be one to remember and for all the wrong reasons. A groom and his brother were arrested for allegedly beating up their father because he had too much to drink and became violent. According to a report in the Gloucester Daily Times, all four police units in town were called to the Ocean View Inn on Atlantic Avenue around 8:30 p.m. Saturday, because of a family fight after a wedding. Police told the paper 53-year-old Raymond Pattin of Woodbridge, New Jersey and his three sons had been arguing, after the youngest son, a 16-year-old, hid a bottle of wine from him, because they thought he had too much to drink. The father allegedly became furious, then shoved and hit the teen. That's when, police say, the two older brothers jumped in, took their father outside, had an argument, and then beat him up. Police told the paper they found the father in one of the guest rooms. He was not wearing a shirt and he was bleeding from a cut above his right eye. They arrested Pattin and his two oldest sons - the groom, 24-year-old James Pattin of Hamburg, New Jersey and his 19-year-old brother, Richard, also of Hamburg. All three were charged with domestic assault and battery. They were scheduled to appear in Gloucester District Court at 9 a.m. Monday. But they did not show up. The court clerk said it is likely arrest warrants will be issued for all three men. ===========================================
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=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Norman what is your problem?" Norman answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Norman to the principal's office. While Norman waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Norman was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Norman: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Norman: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Norman can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?" The principal and Norman both nod in agreement. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Norman, after a moment: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Norman replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K', and always means a lot of commotion and excitement? Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Norman in the fifth grade, I missed the last three questions myself." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Malcolm Re: Too much spam Dear Webby, I can't keep up with my work because of all the spam I get. And no, I can't change the company email addresses. How good is that mailwasher that you keep mentioning? I want your honest opinion of it. Malcolm Dear Malcolm The reason I have the link for Mailwasher in the full version of the Humor Letter is because I highly recommend it. It reduces the 2000+ pieces of mail I get every day to the 200 that I need to see and answer. It washes the mail on the server, without wasting time to download more than the headers. It's easy to use and rock solid. Once every hour I hit F5 and it checks the mail. It downloads the headers and sorts and color codes the list. I glance over it to check for false positives, then hit F6. That causes it to dump the spam and open Eudora for downloading the legitimate mail. Unfortunately it does not have a feature for nuking the spammers, but other than that, it has everything a professinal grade spam control program should have. If the version of the Humor Letter that you are subscribed to doesn't have a button to get it, browse to http://webby.com/mailwasher http://webby.com/mailwasher Testdrive the free trial version, and if you like it, buy it a month later. I have recommended MailWasher for over three years and have heard only good things about it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 25, 2006 - Syringa, Idaho - Lewiston Tribune It was a ricochet nearly 50 years in the making. At age 8, Terry Jackson gave up his prized .22-caliber Winchester short-barrel rifle to get his grandmother a washer. Recently, the 57-year-old got the gun back through a series of chance encounters and conversations. "I didn't even have much reaction," said Jackson. "I was so dumbfounded." As a boy, Jackson felt bad that his grandmother was too poor to have a washer. So he took the rifle he had earned money for by mowing lawns and doing other chores to a pawn shop. "That was the only thing I had that was worth anything," Jackson told The Lewiston Tribune. The pawn shop owner agreed to trade a wringer washer for the rifle. When the washer was delivered to his grandmother, Edna Jackson, she refused it until realizing the sacrifice her grandson had made. "She just couldn't believe it," Jackson said. The rifle, meanwhile, remained with the pawn shop owner, Bill Jackson. He never sold the rifle, instead giving it to family friend James Grow in the 1980s, recounting the story that accompanied the rifle. "He told me the story but I never thought anything about it," Grow said. "I didn't even know who Terry Jackson was at the time, although Bill did tell me his name." Grow said Bill Jackson told him the gun might be worth something someday. He never shot the rifle and kept it in his closet. Grow become an attorney in Lewiston, and Terry Jackson recently hired Grow to do some legal work. The connection might not have been made about the rifle except for a conversation Becky Brotnov, Terry Jackson's companion, had with Grow during a business lunch. She told the story of Terry Jackson giving up the rifle to get the washer. "All of a sudden it dawned on me, I own the gun," Grow said. After hearing the story, Grow said he knew he wouldn't keep the gun. So he recently drove to Terry Jackson's home to return the rifle. "That was a really nice thing he did for his grandma," Grow said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Apply For Credit Too Often Don't apply for credit if you think you will be denied. Don't try to apply for credit cards too frequently. Submitting too many credit applications in a short period of time can lower your credit score and make it more difficult to get credit when you really need it. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family. "But...where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But only kosher food you still eat?", asks mama. "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?" ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be shown here in the Humor Letter. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Dear Webby, I always look forward to receiving your newsletter, a wonderful combination of jokes and computer education. The amazing part of the camel picture in today's newsletter though, is the fact that what you're seeing is the shadows of the camels and the live camels are the black and white strips at the feet of the camel shadows. Just thought you'd like to know! Eileen If you missed yesterday's issue, you can see it in the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Most Wanted http://www.amw.com/show_archive/tv_detail.cfm?id=653 ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 27/06 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 27, 2006
======================================

One hundred years from now, it will not matter what my
bank account was, how big my house was, or what kind
of car I drove. But the world may be a little better, because
I was important in the life of a child.
-- Forest Witcraft

======================================
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to
fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men
were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a
keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog
that's bringin' it!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to


   Telus    for losing mail

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== "Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement." "Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Principal Nancy Lawson in Frisco, Texas Hypocritical principal fires teacher for following her order September 26, 2006 - Frisco, Texas - AP An award-winning Texas art teacher who was reprimanded after one of her fifth-grade students saw a nude sculpture during a trip to a museum has lost her job. The school board in Frisco has voted not to renew Sydney McGee's contract after 28 years. She has been on administrative leave. The teacher took her students on an approved field trip to a Dallas museum, and now some parents are upset. The Fisher Elementary School art teacher came under fire last April when she took 89 fifth-graders on a field trip to the Dallas Museum of Art. Parents raised concerns over the field trip after their child reported seeing a nude sculpture at the art museum. The parents had signed permission slips allowing their children to take part in the field trip. McGee's lawyer said the principal at Fisher Elementary School, Nancy Lawson, admonished her after a parent complained that a student had seen nude art. McGee said the principal Nancy Lawson had urged her to take the students to the museum. Now, McGee, who was honored with a Star Teacher Award two years ago, is on paid administrative leave until her contract with the school district expires in March. Other parents are worried about the future of the art program at the school, which they cite as a reason for moving into the neighborhood. "Our main concern right now is what's going to happen to the children and what's going to happen to the art program at Fisher Elementary. It is the best art program. That's the reason we moved to this neighborhood. It's because of the teachers," said Shannon Allen, a parent. "It was a principal-approved trip. What's the big deal?" Officials with the Frisco school district declined to comment on the matter. --------------------------------------------------- The phone number for that school is (469) 633-6000 Their email address is mckays@friscoisd.org Dallas Museum of Art: http://www.dallasmuseumofart.org/ Don't worry about any shocking pictures. The Dallas Museum of Art is known to be a very conservative institution. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== The local parish had a fairly new priest. He had wonderful, innovative ideas that were, for the most part accepted by the congregation. His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. After looking the parish over, the senior priest said, "Father John, your idea of a drive through confessional is wonderful. That makes it so convenient for your church members. And, Father John, it was a really good idea to have the confessional open 24 hours a day, for those who work shift work. However, Father John... that flashing neon sign that says "TOOT and TELL or GO to HELL" ... well, it has GOT TO GO!! ===========================================
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=========================================== A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read, "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?...baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: PayPal split payment Dear Webby, Can I split an invoice into two separae PayPal payments, one to me and one to my partner, by putting another PayPal button onto the Thank-You page? Ellen Dear Ellen Technically you could do that. But when PayPal catches you, then you and your partner will suddenly, without any warning, have no more PayPal accounts, and extreme difficulty getting new ones. PayPal is very easy to get along with, as long as you follow the rules. Their rules are quite clear about that: No split payments. I don't know their exact reasoning for that rule, but I have a hunch they were told by the IRS to be strict about that. That means, YOU have to report the income for the whole amount, file a W9 for your partner, and report paying your partner. You can try it with two totally separate invoices, with absolutely no detectable link between them. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Thanks to Lilly for this story: I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will be there waiting. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000. The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made. The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options. The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked. "Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Hollywood, Florida - AP A struggling actor has been paid nearly $260,000 by a casino after he was initially denied the money when managers said his apparent win was a mistake. Freddy Howard, 53, of Sunny Isles Beach, took part in a free promotional game, the Swipe and Win Progressive jackpot, while at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino near Hollywood on Aug. 29. Howard swiped his Players Club card, and a hostess and supervisor broke the news: He had won $259,945.75. Howard was showered with attention and presented with a giant cardboard check. Then casino managers broke the bad news - a computer glitch had caused an error and he was not a big winner. On Tuesday, the Hard Rock paid him anyway. "We are making this payment as a gesture of goodwill, and I am pleased to tell you that Mr. Howard has accepted," said Allen Huff, chairman of the Seminole Gaming Commission. Howard had hired a lawyer and also threatened to picket the casino. "Honestly, I just want to be gathered together with relatives and with friends and thank God once again for this whole thing," Howard said. He said he agreed not to discuss the details of his deal with the casino. ============================================= Yes, you got one more chance to get Joel Christophers birthday blowout stack of marketing books and seminar audio files. The package is worth a few thousand dollars to anybody who wants to become an Internet entrepreneur, but to celebrate the 18th anniversary of becoming an American, Joel Christopher gives you this big stack for under $10. If a work at home career interests you, then click here ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Debt Consolidation Warning Debt consolidation can offer a great opportunity for people that have amassed large amounts of credit card debt at unfavorable interest rates. You can get lower, more manageable monthly payments and reduce the number of bills you have to pay each month. The problem many people have is that they then start using their newly paid off credit cards again and end up with even more debt. If you don't change your spending habits, debt consolidation merely enables you to get further in debt. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== The teacher asked little Johnny, "Can you name four shooting stars?" Little Johnny said, "I sure can. Wyatt Earp, Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne." ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be shown here in the Humor Letter. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. "No peer pressure" she responded. ======================================== Thanks to Trish for this Bonus Link: A-Z London Atlas http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/5371680.stm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 26/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 26, 2006
======================================

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte

People with courage and character
always seem sinister to the rest.
-- Hermann Hesse

======================================
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this report:

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit
of darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to
approve the change and decide who brings the potato
salad and fried chicken

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one
to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own
journey you have found that light
bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next
Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light
bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way,
long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to
luminescence.

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you
are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service
and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
What's a light bulb?

God:
Let there be light.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship
   Telus    for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Martin for this story: Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Richard Brooks, 50, of Concord, California Saved by the intended victims September 25, 2006 - Pittsburgh, California - AP A drunken motorist who brandished a pool cue while driving at a group of motorcyclists was hit by his own car after he attempted to approach the bikers on foot, authorities said. Richard Brooks, 50, of Concord, was pulled to safety by the motorcyclists after his car -- which he left in reverse -- knocked him into the highway on Thursday, said Officer Scott Yox of the California Highway Patrol. Brooks, who was arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and driving under the influence, told authorities he was offended by skeletons some of the riders wore on their leather Harley-Davidson jackets and what he perceived as their attempts to appear tough. "It was his impression that they thought they were better than him," Yox said. "They were irritating to him and he felt he needed to do something about it." Yox said authorities had no evidence the riders instigated the incident. "Instead of mocking him for going after them, they perhaps set their own safety aside to reach over and rescue him from a position of danger," he said. Brooks, who was treated at a hospital for cuts and scrapes, remained jailed Friday in lieu of $30,000 bail. ------------------------------------ Maybe in jail he will be clued in that the skulls on biker's jackets are not meant to intimidate bozos. They are a symbol of bikers defying death by riding relatively unsafe machinery, in traffic populated by cellphone addicted, inattentive car drivers. And that the reason for the leather jackets is to minimize the injuries suffered, when a rider is knocked onto the pavement by some absentminded or uncaring or drunk driver, who will then claim that he never saw the biker. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== PETA upset at Six Flags roach contest September 25, 2006 GURNEE, Ill. --People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Six Flags Great America to scrap its Halloween-themed cockroach-eating promotion. A spokeswoman for the animal rights organization says the contest at the amusement park's FrightFest is "gratuitously cruel." The park in Gurnee, Ill., is joining other Six Flags parks in offering unlimited line-jumping privileges to anyone who eats a live Madagascar hissing cockroach. The bugs are up to three inches long. The contest begins next month. Amusement park officials are defending their menu choice. Great America spokesman Jim Taylor says the bugs are nutritious, high in protein and fat free. It is rumored that since the bugs routinely beat PETA officials in IQ tests, the bugs may contain intelligence boosting proteins. ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Thanks to Hilde for this story: The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears. "Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes." "Did it hurt?" "Just a little." "Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun." Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ormond Re: Spreadsheet to web page Dear Webby, Is there an easy way to transfer part of a spreadsheet to a web page? Thanks Ormond Dear Ormond Copy the parts, that you want to transfer, into a new spreadsheet, and save that one as an HTML web page. Open that file, and copy the entire table that is in it, and paste it into the page where you want it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats. The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance." Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration. I was stitching away, wearing a tuxedo, when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== An employment interviewer for a big company in Atlanta was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work. "What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her. "I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's 38C." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 22, 2006 - Dallas, Texas - Happy News Panda Ethanol Inc. was joined today by officials from across the state to break ground on the company's 100 million gallon-per-year ethanol plant in Hereford, Texas. When finished, the first- of-its-kind facility will be one of the most energy efficient ethanol refineries in the nation and the largest bio-mass fueled ethanol plant in the United States. Unlike other plants which burn natural gas or coal to generate the steam used in the ethanol manufacturing process, the Hereford facility will gasify up to 1 billion pounds of cattle manure per year. By using biogas to fuel the plant, Panda is both conserving the energy equivalent of 1,000 barrels of oil a day and helping to address a significant environmental problem for the Panhandle region. ============================================= Yes, you got one more chance to get Joel Christophers birthday blowout stack of marketing books and seminar audio files. The package is worth a few thousand dollars to anybody who wants to become an Internet entrepreneur, but to celebrate the 18th anniversary of becoming an American, Joel Christopher gives you this big stack for under $10. If a work at home career interests you, then click here ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stop Charging and Start Using Cash If your credit card debt is getting out of hand, the first thing you need to do is stop using your credit cards. Many people get into the mindset of "I'll pay it off later" or "I'm already in debt, what will a little debt hurt?". They keep using credit cards for everyday expenses so they don't feel broke and don't have to change their spending patterns. Retire your credit cards, set up a budget and start paying with cash. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road." The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn't stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree. The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. "Oh no," the farmer thought, "he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!" As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor. "No, no, I'm okay I guess," gasped the naked man. "I have no choice, do I? I'll pay you double for the farm... but doesn't that calf have a mother?" ======================================== Pervert Alerts By popular demand, the Pervert Alerts have been moved to a separate page. I will continue to do the research, but it will not be shown here in the Humor Letter. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A little boy was taken to the dentist. The dentist discovered that the boy had a cavity that needed to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" The little boy replied, "Chocolate, please." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Virtual Tours http://www.explore-kew-gardens.net/index.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 25/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 25, 2006
======================================

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
-- Spike Milligan

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to kati for this story:
 The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife
 looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
 Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she
 was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned
 into a telephone pole!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship


If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't do it?" she asked. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the health care system in England Notice of death was greatly exaggerated September 22, 2006 - UK - The Scotsman A woman recovering from major surgery returned from a doctor's appointment to find a letter telling her she was dead. Julia Warnes had suffered complications following a hysterectomy last year which left her seriously ill. She required an operation on a twisted bowel. After an appointment for a blood test, she came home to find the letter from Sutton and East Surrey Water. Addressed to the household, it explained that her direct debit had been cancelled due to her death and advised the family to contact the company to find out how this would affect water charges. Luckily Mrs Warnes, a 46-year-old mother-of-two, saw the funny side. She said: "It was very ironic after everything I've been through. I thought 'Am I? Well you'd think the doctor would have told me'. "You've got to see the funny side. When my husband found out he asked what it was I was supposed to have died of, because if it was accidental he was in for a lot of money." ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Lower Vermundt Lake =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this report: SILLY LAWSUITS In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label. A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding" A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing.... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving." A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof.²" A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult." An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks" A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while sleeping or unconscious" A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes" A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner" A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn" A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping" A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use" A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place" A Bathroom Heater says: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms" A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes" A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire" A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity. ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Her: "How's your history paper coming?" Him: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful. Her: "Really?" Him: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Armond Re: How difficult are postcards? Dear Webby, I have been told that the only way I can increase traffic to my site is to either pay through the nose for ads, or set up postcards to attract visitors. How difficult is it to set up postcards? Armond Dear Armond If you are web literate and don't freak out at the sight of naked HTML, it's easy. You get the templates and simply replace the picture names. Instead of sample1.jpg you put in doggie1.jpg, and so on. You DO need to have your own pictures. Otherwise your site would be the same as others, and no reason for anybody to go to yours. Pick a narrow topic, that is of interest to your potential clients, and build the site that has the best collection of pictures in that narrow topic. Then you will get plenty of targeted visitors quickly. To get the free templates, go to http://mypostcards.com Start with the Free Basic. Not because it is free, but because it is very basic, without all the fancy options. That way you will easily see and understand the concept. You can always upgrade at any time, without losing your previous work. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died. On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years." His wife looked at him aghast. "My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was your Aunt Emma!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" The speedometer showed 100 miles an hour. They were trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "Do you bozos want some help getting out of the mud?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 22, 2006 - Shapokpee, Minnesota - Happy News On Saturday, September 30, 2006, local quilting enthusiasts will come together at Mall of America for the first-ever national Quilt Pink Day, a fundraising event to benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Hosting the event locally will be 21 quilt shops across Minnesota and Wisconsin and Minnesota Quilters Inc., a statewide quilting organization. On Quilt Pink Day, quilters across the area will be making pink quilts to send to Better Homes and Gardens(R) American Patchwork & Quilting(R) magazine for an online auction slated for May 2007. Proceeds from the auction will be presented to the Komen Foundation the following October. To volunteer or for more information visit: http://www.mnpink com or call Eagle Creek Quilt Shop 952-233-3774. For national event information: http://www.quiltpink.com ============================================= Yes, you got one more chance to get Joel Christophers birthday blowout stack of marketing books and seminar audio files. The package is worth a few thousand dollars to anybody who wants to become an Internet entrepreneur, but to celebrate the 18th anniversary of becoming an American, Joel Christopher gives you this big stack for under $10. If a work at home career interests you, then click here ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Discretionary Vs. Mandatory Spending When making a budget, be sure to identify Discretionary and Mandatory expenses. Mandatory expenses are things like health insurance and rent that you cannot afford to do without. Discretionary expenses are things that aren't crucial to you or your families existence like a NetFlix subscription or eating out. When times get rough financially or when you want to save money for something, you can start by eliminating discretionary expenses from your monthly budget. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Tues., Sept. 26 at 10:15 a.m. Topeka, KS Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Bernard L. Deghand at Sacred Heart Church, 312 NE Freeman Ave., Topeka, KS Wednesday, Sept. 27 at 9:15 a.m. St. Louis, Missouri. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Russell M. Makowski at Kutis Funeral Home, 5255 Lemay Ferry Rd., St. Louis, Missouri. Thursday, Sept. 28 at 9:15 a.m. Independence, MO Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. 1st Class Michael T. Fuga at St. Mary's Church, 600 N. Liberty, Independence, MO Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Virtual Tours http://www.explore-kew-gardens.net/index.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 24/06 


Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 24, 2006
======================================

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land,
when they can see nothing but sea.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of
your life when you will be happy to hear that
the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Kati for this story:
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Everytime
I go to bed I think there's  somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able
to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you
were having?" asked  the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money!  A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and
bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so!  And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!  Ain't nobody under
there now!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship


If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Just before his scheduled operation, a man is wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair. A nurse stops him and asks, "What's the matter?" The man tells her, "I heard another nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'" "She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor." ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Vincent Balestrieri, 36, from Delray, Florida Dumb Shirker September 22, 2006 - West Palm Beach, Florida - AP A Delray Beach police officer surrendered to authorities on Thursday on charges he schemed the police department out of more than $8,000 by claiming he had been called to active duty in Iraq. Vincent Balestrieri, 36, allegedly faked U.S. Navy documents that said he had been called back to active duty in January, a month after buying a home near the Lockheed Martin Information Technology Center in Tampa, where he had been working since Jan. 3. He continued receiving pay from the police department to make up the difference between his salary and his income as a U.S. Navy reservist. Balestrieri was hired by the department in June 2005. The eight-month deception cost the city $8,769.87, authorities said. Lockheed Martin spokesman Joe Wagovich said Balestrieri was hired as a civilian contractor. He said the company was cooperating in the investigation. Balestrieri joined the Navy Reserve in 1998 and is an intelligence specialist attached to U.S. Central Command at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa, Navy spokeswoman Diane Perry said. Perry said the Navy "will wait until the civilian process has taken its course" before taking any action against Balestrieri. Balestrieri was held Thursday in the Palm Beach County jail on charges of felony organized scheme to defraud and grand theft. His attorney, Stephen James Binhak, said his client will plead not guilty. "He looks forward to addressing this situation in court," Binhak said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== =========================================== "What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Betty-Sue during the first day of school. Betty-Sue pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, cause I ain't never been 'bolted'...." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Thanks to Chris for this story: My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D." "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re:Spybot Advanced Mode Dear Webby; Thanks so much for the fun letter. I especailly liked the joke about loaning things to ohers. It reminded me of a time my husband asked our son if he had a certain type of tool. He was told there was one in the trunk of his (our son's) car. When my husband went to get the tool he realized it was his own tools & confronted our son about it, telling him he knew it was his tool as he had engraved his initials on it ( which he did to all his tools). Our son then said, "Dad, you loaned it to me but never came & got it back". Oh well, that's a kid for you. My qustion is in regard to the pc tip for Carol. I have Spybot but cannot figure out how to switch to "advanced". I clicked on help & went to tools but could not open it to the startup programs. Am I missing something? Again thanks so much. Sharon Dear Sharon In Spybot click on MODE, left top, just to the right of FILE and select ADVANCED. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Thanks to Anna for this story: I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . . Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . . BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . . And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . . I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious . . . I should get help . . . BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour a few Million years ago, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 20, 2006 - Orlando, Florida - MSNBC It was just a tiny misstep during a dance class routine. But it was enough to cause Nathalie Calderon’s right foot to spin backward 180 degrees. “My teacher nearly fainted,” said Nathalie. But the determined Central Florida girl just asked for a screwdriver — and with a few twists, her foot was again righted. Nathalie, who was born without the lower part of a tibia in her right leg, wears a prosthetic, something she hadn’t bothered to mention to her dance instructor. “It was so embarrassing,” she said, remembering that day several years ago. Now 15, Nathalie has moved on to another instructor, Georgio Fagan of Georgio’s American Dance Centre, where she’s part of the senior company. She’s won three scholarships this year for her dancing, has earned the respect of her peers and the adoration of audiences. The attention is for her dancing, not for her disability, Fagan wants to make clear. “She’s amazing when she performs. She totally draws you in,” he said. “(On stage) that soul of hers just blossoms. It’s almost like she was given a leg.” ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Create Your Ideal Budget Start by listing everything that you spend money on each month and how much you spend. Add up the list to get your current total budget. Once you have that information you can start creating your ideal budget. Look for ways that you can cut your spending in each category and then list the ideal amount next to current amount. At the end of the month, calculate your spending and see how close you came to meeting your ideal spending amounts. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A judge is at lunch one hot summer day and orders coffee with his meal. His companion says, "In this weather, you ought to order iced drinks, Judge -- sharp, iced drinks. Have you ever tried a gin and tonic?" "No," says the judge. "But I have tried many men who have." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Tues., Sept. 26 at 10:15 a.m. Topeka, KS Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Bernard L. Deghand at Sacred Heart Church, 312 NE Freeman Ave., Topeka, KS Wednesday, Sept. 27 at 9:15 a.m. St. Louis, Missouri. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Russell M. Makowski at Kutis Funeral Home, 5255 Lemay Ferry Rd., St. Louis, Missouri. Thursday, Sept. 28 at 9:15 a.m. Independence, MO Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. 1st Class Michael T. Fuga at St. Mary's Church, 600 N. Liberty, Independence, MO Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== President Calvin Coolidge was notorious for his reluctance to talk. One Sunday he went to church by himself, and when he returned to the White House, his wife asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yes," the President told her. "What was it about?" she asked. "Sin." "What did the minister say?" "Seems to be against it." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Men In Coats http://www.nationx.dk/coats/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 23/06 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 23, 2006
======================================

Goals are not only absolutely necessary to motivate us.
They are essential to really keep us alive.
-- Robert H. Schuller

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
-- Socratex

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer.  "... or I'm going
to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."

"And I said KEEP QUIET!  Now you're going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.
"I'm the groom!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus for inappropriate censorship
   Comcast  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== An American journalist was stopped at a Russian Checkpoint in a suburb of Chechnya. The Russian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!" The American replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill." So the Russian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!" He pulls the American from the car, slides into the drivers seat, and stamping his big boot onto the brake pedal yells "Now, go and open the trunk!" So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request and goes and opens the trunk of the car. "Now", shouts the Russian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Zhang Xinyan, 35 from Henan, China Bear Hug September 21, 2006 - Beijing, China - The Scotsman A drunken Chinese tourist bit a panda at Beijing Zoo after the animal attacked him when he jumped into the enclosure and tried to hug it. Zhang Xinyan had drunk four pitchers of beer before "stumbling to the zoo" and stopping off at the pen holding a sleeping six-year-old male panda, Gu Gu, on Tuesday. Startled, Gu Gu bit Zhang in the right leg, state media said. Zhang, a 35-year-old migrant labourer from central Henan province, got angry and kicked the panda, who then bit his other leg. Zhang then returned the compliment. "I bit the fellow in the back," he said. "Its skin was quite thick." Zhang had to be taken to hospital, the panda was unhurt. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture: Marsh Toad =========================================== The following ads actually appeared in newspapers ILLITERATE? Write today for free help. AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again. DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children. STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: one. SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. GREAT DAMES for sale. TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it. ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Tell you the truth, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: Slow Computer Hi Webby..... I enjoy reading your site, I learn a lot from you. A question: My computer has been running slower than usual; I have run a virus scan, ccleaner, and defraged. My hourglass seems to run all the time, meaning it flashes on and off very quickly. I don't know what else to do to clean up my computer so it can run better. Also, I checked my startup and I have no idea how all of the programs got in there! What do we need to have in startup? Many thanks, Carol Dear Carol The tools in Spybot-Search&Destroy let you weed out the start-ups. Switch Spybot to Advanced, and you'll see the tools. The second tool from the bottom is for controlling the start-up programs. Each program has a description and it won't let you kill those that you really need. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Cripes, life is boring! We never have any fun these days!" For a fiver, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old boy, holding up a five pound note. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did it go?" asked his friend. "Great!" said the streaker, "I won first prize as a dried arrangement!!!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Kudos to these fun loving pranksters ... Does anyone remember the 'Froggy Worldwide Travels' a couple of years ago ??? September 21, 2006 - Morgantown, West Virginia - AP Allen Snyder's garden gnome is apparently out of jail and traveling the country. The 14-inch tall red-and-white statue disappeared from Snyder's yard in the spring, and Snyder has since received three letters claiming to have been written by "Gnomey." The latest letter, which Snyder received this week, included photos of the gnome in the company of Steelers fans attending Pittsburgh's football home opener. "You never took me to any games," the note said. The letter ended: "Have to go now. Boarding a plane. Now, finally, broadening my travels." An earlier letter included a request for bail money and included what appeared to be booking photos of Gnomey and another of the gnome in the back seat of a police car. Snyder isn't sure who's pulling the prank but said his short list of suspects includes several gag-loving friends. The plight of his gnome has gotten a lot of attention. Snyder said people are always asking if he's heard from Gnomey. "I never thought it would go this far," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refresh Your House Plants Thrifty Reusable Napkins Instead of paper towels, we use washcloths for napkins. The cheap ones work great, and you can wash and reuse them. By CB Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com With some looking around, you can often find sampler packs of micro-fiber cloths. My favorites are the 8" x 8" in assorted colors. As long as you don't put them into the dryer after washing, they beat cotton or linen napkins 10 to 1. Have FUN! DerWebby Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model. She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair. Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission Impossible." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Kingston, Oklahoma Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Clint E. Williams Saturday, at Kingston High School, 411 NE 3rd Street, Kingston, Oklahoma Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Pearland, Texas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Ryan A. Miller at First Baptist Church, 3005 Pearland Pkwy., Pearland, Texas Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 10:15 a.m., Ft. Washington, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army 2nd Lt. Emily J.T. Perez at Ebenezer AME Church, 7707 Allentown Rd., Ft. Washington, Maryland Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A married college student, noticeably pregnant, keeps rubbing her side during a final exam. Before she leaves, the professor asks if she is OK. "I noticed you were holding onto your side," he says. "Oh, I'm fine," she answers. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," the professor says, feeling genuinely relieved. "Yes," she continues. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Fractals http://sharkrey.deviantart.com/gallery/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 22/06 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 22, 2006
======================================

Wisdom is knowing when to speak your mind and
when to mind your speech.
-- Socratex

The right to be heard does not automatically include the
right to be taken seriously.
-- Hubert H. Humphrey

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a
 Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars
 and were told to use that money to find out exactly
 how tall a particular hotel was.

 All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.
 The physics student went out, purchased some
 stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator,
 and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of
 ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out
 the height from the time it took for the bearings to
 accelerate from rest until they impacted with the
 sidewalk.

 The math student waited until the sun was going
 down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line,
 measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the
 length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings
 roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry
 to figure out the height of the building.

 Of course, with all that was involved in getting this
 experiment done, they were up plenty late studying
 for other courses' exams.  These two students
 bumped into the engineering student the next day,
 who looked quite refreshed.  When asked what he
 did to find the height of the building he replied:  "Well,
 I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked
 him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy
 hour!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Comcast.com for gross incompetence

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== He was so in love with her that he offered her anything that she may desire. "All I want," she cooed, "is a solid gold Boy Scout knife." "But you can have anything in the world!", exclaimed the stunned suitor. "That's all I want." cooed the doll. When he brought her the solid gold Boy Scout knife, she beamed happily. "Are you sure that this is all that you want to make you happy?" inquired the still mystified suitor. "What are you going to do with it?" She opened a hope chest to put the knife inside, thereby revealing hundreds of similar gold Boy Scout knives. "But....but...WHY?" stammered the confused man. "Well," she explained, "right now I'm very young and beautiful and everybody wants me. But when I grow old, and not so attractive and desireable...can you imagine what a Boy Scout will do for one of these knives?" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mark Giorgio, 47, from Palmetto, Florida Thrifty Diver September 20, 2006 - Palmetto, Florida - AP Mark Giorgio figured a 50-foot fall was worth $20. Giorgio, 47, was counting his money Monday while walking across the U.S. 41 bridge over the Manatee River when a $20 bill blew out of his hand and flew over the rail. He followed. And plummeted 50 feet into the river. Then he swam about 100 yards to fish the bill from the water. "I got my money back, hell yeah," Giorgio told the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. "Twenty bucks is a lot of money when you're broke." He was fished from the water by a passing Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer. Giorgio, who said he was already suffering from a broken collarbone, refused treatment for cuts and scrapes he suffered in the fall. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for sending this picture: Serb moving van =========================================== Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach." "That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody." "So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her. "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!" ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Thanks to Bill for this story: Ann noticed me standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in my rather ample tummy. Smartass that she is, she said, "I don't think that's going to help much, hon." I said, "Sure it does. How else can I see the numbers on the scale?" ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Kay Re: Yahoo mail problems Dear Webby Well I happen to be one of the unlucky ones that Yahoo chooses not to deliver your daily newsletter to. but I have you in my favorites. Unlucky ? What you are saying is: "Every time I hit myself on the head with a shovel, it messes up my hair. I must be suffereing from bad luck." No luck involved in that, but a wacky urge to punish YOURSELF for MY sins of my wild youth. What'cha smoking there, Kay ? I have been hearing personally of people being locked out of their yahoo email. Yes, they seem to be doing that more and more. I'm concerned about this because I have lots of things saved in my email folders (pictures and documents etc.) that I would hate to loose. I do this so I can access them from any computer. That's no excuse for being a silly yahoo. There are a lot of free alternatives that are more reliable. I'm a novice at the computer so in plain easy to understand instructions, is there a way to copy these files to a CD ???? Yes, sure. Just save them to your computer, then weed them out and sort them into a bunch of sort folders, and from there drag them to the CD. But first, get yourself a decent address! Amongst the free ones, Google's gmail is currently the most reliable one. They may think you are a silly yahoo and require that you have a referral. If you want one, I'll gladly generate one for you. Thank you for your helpful tech support section, it sure has helped me a lot in the past. You are most welcome, Kay! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A small company that had frequent break-ins installed a new security system with alarms, codes and key pads. Late one night the alarm went off and the police raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended a suspect. The police called the Security Director for the company and said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy. He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows nothing about your business." The Security Director said, "Oh, that's probably the president of the company. You better let him go." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A man walked into his friend's office and found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed, so he asked him what was wrong. His friend said sadly, "Oh, it's my wife. She hired a new secretary for me." The man said, "Well, there is nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette or a redhead?" "Neither. Her father is bald." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 19, 2006 - Jerusalem - IBS For six decades, Hilda Shlick thought her brother Simon perished in the Holocaust with several other relatives. But thanks to some online investigating by her grandkids, Shlick has been reunited with the brother she last saw in 1941. The family was living in Romania back then, and they were separated when the Nazis invaded. Shlick, 10 years old at the time, and a sister managed to escape, while the others stayed behind. The rest of the family -- parents Henia and Benzion, and brothers Simon, Mark, Karol and Eddie -- stayed in Romania, finding refuge in a basement. Shlick now lives in Israel, and during a chat this summer, her grandsons learned enough to hit the Internet and start their search. They started a search using the database of Holocaust victims at Yad Vashem, Israel's Holocaust memorial. That search ended with the discovery of brother Simon Glasberg living in Canada. He flew to Israel where, despite the 65 years of separation, he recognized his sister immediately. It turns out that another brother also lives in Canada. He's too ill to go to Israel, but has a son who lives there -- a half hour away from his long lost aunt. The fate of one sister, Pepi, remains unknown. She disappeared and is presumed to have been killed by the Nazis. Simon Glasberg, his brothers and parents emigrated to Canada after the war ended. Shlick and her sister moved to Estonia, where Bertha died in 1970. Hilda Glasberg (now Hilda Schlick) was born in 1931 in Chernowitz, Romania. Yad Vashem spokeswoman Estee Yaari said this was only the second known case of living siblings discovering each other through the database. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refresh Your House Plants Take advantage of a light rain and set your houseplants outside. Just like giving them plant food and you don't have to pay for it. Helps keep the plants clean, too! By Linda Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A little boy was digging for fishing bait in the garden with his father. He uncovered a creature with many legs and proudly held it up for his father to see. "No, son, he won't work for bait," his father said. "He's not an earthworm." "He's not?" the little boy said, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Columbus, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Capt. Matthew C. Mattingly at Holy Spirit Catholic Church, 4383 E. Broad St., Columbus, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Titusville, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David W. Gordon at Titusville First Presbyterian Church, 216 N. Franklin St., Titusville, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 9:15 a.m. Auburn, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Harley D. Andrews, at Parkside Church of the Nazarene, 3885 Richardson Dr., Auburn, California Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Kingston, Oklahoma Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Clint E. Williams Saturday, at Kingston High School, 411 NE 3rd Street, Kingston, Oklahoma Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Pearland, Texas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Ryan A. Miller at First Baptist Church, 3005 Pearland Pkwy., Pearland, Texas Saturday, Sept. 23 - at 10:15 a.m., Ft. Washington, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army 2nd Lt. Emily J.T. Perez at Ebenezer AME Church, 7707 Allentown Rd., Ft. Washington, Maryland Monday, Sept. 25 - at 12:15 p.m. Cleveland, Tennessee. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David T. Weir at Fike Funeral Home, 2415 N. Ocoee Street, Cleveland, Tennessee. Saturday, Sept. 30 at 9:15 a.m. Abingdon, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Petty Officer 2nd Class David S. Roddy at St. Francis DeSails, 1450 Abingdon Rd., Abingdon, Maryland I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?" Mathematician: "Never." Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time." Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Raptors http://www.hawkwatch.org/keysmigration/index.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby Humor Letter Sept 21/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 21, 2006
======================================

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to
entertain a thought without accepting it.
-- Aristotle

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii,
where we went snorkeling.  After an hour in the water, everyone
got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man.
As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that
everywhere I swam, he swam.  I snorkeled for another 40 minutes.
So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, I asked
him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly.
"I couldn't get out until you did."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death." "What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge. "Nuns with scissors." ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a robber in Milan, italy Short parole September 19, 2006 - Milan, Italy - Reuters An Italian thief accidentally turned himself in after losing his cellular phone while robbing an elderly lady, calling his own number to meet the finder – and unwittingly arranging a date with police. The 77-year-old victim handed over the phone that the bag snatcher had dropped to police, who lured the thief to a meeting where he was arrested, news agency Agi reported. Agi said the man had been freed from prison recently under an Italian mass pardon meant to ease congestion in jails. By the time police were waiting for him at the meeting point, the 35-year-old had already robbed another old lady and was riding a stolen scooter, Agi said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture: Young hawk =========================================== World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR! ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli." ===================================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eileen Re: Multiple file explorer panes Dear Webby You explained once how to trick Windows into showing more than one pane in the file explorer. I know, I can have more than one file explorer open, but your system, which I had on my last computer, is a lot easier and takes less screen space. Unfortunately I forgot how to set that up, but I desperately need it now for a major sorting job. Eileen Dear Eileen Here is the way I set it up: Open a file explorer and browse to the root of C:\ Drag the little icon from the left of the address bar to the left bottom of the desktop. That's your masterkey for all file managing. In the file explorer, click on TOOLS, FOLDER OPTIONS Select Classic Folders and Open each folder in the same window. Hit Apply and then OK. Now you have a little icon on the top for Folders Click that and the explorer will split, showing the folders in the left pane, and the files of the highlighted folder in the right pane. Once you have highlighted a folder on the left, you can slide it out of sight and even line up totally different drives. Don't click folders or drives on the left, just the plus signs in front of them, if you want them to expand. Once you have the destination folders in view on the left, for example PIX, MUSIC, MOVIES, PPS on your external back-up drive, you can drag files or groups of files from the right side to their destination on the left. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== For the first time in many years, an old man travels from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stops at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. He hands the attendant $1.50 and comments, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replies, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party." After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 18, 2006 - California - AP Drivers in California will need an ear piece or speaker to use their mobile phones while on the road under a bill signed Friday by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Motorists could face fines of up to $50 if they violate the law, which makes it an infraction to hold a cell phone while driving. It takes effect July 1, 2008, and is similar to laws in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Washington, D.C. Cell phone use is the top cause of accidents triggered by distracted drivers, according to California Highway Patrol statistics dating to 2001. "The simple fact is, it's dangerous to talk on your cell phone while driving," Schwarzenegger said. "So getting people's hands off their phones and onto their steering wheels is going to make a big difference in road safety." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com "Faux" Hamburger Reducing Weight of Large Pots When filling huge flowerpots, reduce the weight and the amount of soil you need by filling the bottom with recycled styrofoam peanuts or even chunks of styrofoam. I get pieces when I need them from the dumpster behind a furniture and accessories store. By Linda Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a de- ceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card. It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card. "Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Columbus, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Capt. Matthew C. Mattingly at Holy Spirit Catholic Church, 4383 E. Broad St., Columbus, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Titusville, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David W. Gordon at Titusville First Presbyterian Church, 216 N. Franklin St., Titusville, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 9:15 a.m. Auburn, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Harley D. Andrews, at Parkside Church of the Nazarene, 3885 Richardson Dr., Auburn, California Sept. 23 - at 9:15 a.m. Kingston, Oklahoma Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Clint E. Williams Saturday, at Kingston High School, 411 NE 3rd Street, Kingston, Oklahoma I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Scrap Booking Ideas http://tinyurl.com/hye2k ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 20/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 20, 2006
======================================

Don't worry that children never listen to you;
worry that they are always watching you.
-- Robert Fulghum

We rarely think people have good sense
unless they agree with us.
-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Sherlock Holmes was sent to heaven to find Adam and Eve.
He came back within a day and said he had found them.

Dr. Watson questioned, "How did you find them so quickly?"

Sherlock Holmes said, "Elementary, my dear Watson.
They were the only ones that didn't have belly buttons."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack) "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out on the sidewalk still does. Watch out, though, she is a wrestling coach!" =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Double Bonehead: mom and the repo person September 18, 2006 - Wilmington, Delaware- AP A 5-year-old boy took an unexpected ride when the car he was in was repossessed and driven to a car dealership, authorities said. A 27-year old woman called police Friday morning to report that her car had been stolen from in front of her home, and that her son was inside the vehicle, said county police spokesman Cpl. Trinidad Navarro. Navarro said the woman had strapped the child into his booster seat, then went back inside her home to make a phone call. Believing that the 1997 Saturn most likely been repossessed, officers called the dealership, where an employee confirmed the repossession but did not know anything about the missing child. The employee then walked outside and found the child crying in the back seat of the vehicle, Navarro said. The 56-year old repo man was taken into custody but later transported to Christiana Hospital after complaining of chest pains. The man, whose name was not released, will not face charges, Navarro said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Jim for sending this picture: =========================================== This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit, go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports, "I sold 11 Bibles today." The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell a lot more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today." The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?" ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Garret Re: Learning Internet Business Dear Webby I read so much about people making big money on the net. How does one sort the wheat from the chaff and select the best courses? Some of them are rather pricey, but from what I hear, the $10,000 courses are not really any better than some low cost insider deals. How does one get into those? Garret Dear Garret It's a matter of being in the right place a t the right time, and making a fast executive decision. Right now, Joel Christopher, one of the top Internet earners, is celebrating his 18th anniversary of becoming an American by giving away a few thousand dollars worth of books and audio recordings for under $10 for the whole package. You probably learn more USEFUL stuff in that package than in a few years at University. You can sneak that package at http://webby.com/bd You probably won't, but if you think you may need more than that, he also has a $97 elite course that you can take later. The trick, though, is to get your foot in the door and get on the inside with the time limited $9.97 deal, and learn the basics first. Naturally, to weed out the procrastinators, that $9.97 deal is only good for a day or two. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so. "What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework. The boy turned to his father and asked, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" Without hesitation, the father replies, "Oh, about half of them." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 16, 2006 - Tampa, Fla. - AP A Tampa woman being attacked by a Rottweiler decided to bite back. Danielle Nelson was attacked by the 115-pound dog Friday. She broke free at one point, but he attacked again and would not loosen his jaw. So, 20-year-old Nelson bit the dog back. The Rottweiler finally released his grip and a bloodied Nelson went inside the house. Nelson's injuries weren't considered life-threatening but did require surgery. The dog was taken into custody. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com "Faux" Hamburger Fool your finicky eaters with low-fat ground turkey. The trick, add some browning sauce to mixture as you are frying it. It turns the turkey browner, more like hamburger (and doesn't change the clean taste much at all!). By Barb Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== On a warm spring day, Little Johnny was laying on a hill in the middle of a meadow. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. Then he said out loud, "God? Are you really there?" To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. He said, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." Johnny said, "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny," God said. Johnny said, "Wow!" then he got an idea. He said, "You are so generous, God. Can I have just one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Columbus, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Capt. Matthew C. Mattingly at Holy Spirit Catholic Church, 4383 E. Broad St., Columbus, Ohio Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. Titusville, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David W. Gordon at Titusville First Presbyterian Church, 216 N. Franklin St., Titusville, Ohio I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Thanks to Martin for this story: You gotta love this old guy! I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors, green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Spy Museum http://www.spymuseum.org/index.asp ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 19/06 


Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 19, 2006
======================================

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know
whether what you're doing is work or play.
-- Warren Beatty

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly
to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for
this lovely pie."

"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously,
"would you thank her for two pies?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== "Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband." Then it dawned on them. =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mayor Don Wright of Gallatin, Tennessee Should have asked to review the script September 17, 2006 - Nashville, Tennessee - Reuters When moviemakers told Gallatin, Tennessee, Mayor Don Wright they wanted to use his office to film a scene with a superheroine, he kindly obliged. But Wright was startled when the movie's title, "Thong Girl 3," and his role in its making was splashed across the front page of Friday's editions of the Nashville Tennessean newspaper. "I had no idea what the movie was about," Wright said on Friday. "They told me it was about a superhero woman and there was no nudity or offensive stuff in it. Other than that, I really didn't have a clue." According to the Thong Girl Web site, heroine Lana Layonme wears a red thong under a cape as she flies over Nashville repelling a villain who is trying to turn country music performers into rappers. The movie is the third in a series released only on DVD. "They said it was family friendly," said Wright who let the locally-based crew use his office for two hours. "We've had a lot of movies filmed in this area during the past few years. In fact, I think Sally Field was in one of them. Anyhow, I thought it was good for business." Residents have not been unkind, Wright said. "Well, it's sure true that no good deed goes unpunished but most of my e-mails about this haven't been bad." ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my dad for sending this picture: This one bloomed last night =========================================== A golfer's drive lands on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decides to hit it where it lies. He gives a mighty swing. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants explodes from the end of his club, but the golf ball remains in the same spot. So he lines up and tries another shot. A cloud of dirt and sand and ants goes flying again. The golf ball doesn't even wiggle. Two ants survive. One dazed ant says to the other, "Whoa. What are we going to do?" Says the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ilah Re: Picture compression Dear Webby: This question has been addressed before but I did not have the brains to print your response and put it on file. IT will be filed this time. How do you compress pictures? We have a large number of snaps of what has to be the world's most beautiful, intelligent and entertaining kitty and we want to send copies to friends and family. I do not know what we would do without your Humor Letter. It gets the day off to a great start. Ilah J. Monts Dear Ilah When you open a picture with a graphics program, like for example Paint Shop Pro, you can re-size it. For example, straight out of the camera it is 2400x1800, for email it should be 640 x 480. So, first you change the physical size and save kitty27.jpg as kitty27-640.jpg. That preserves the original for your archive. Now, when you save kitty27-640.jpg, you can click on the options and select the compression ratio. Compression does not change the physical size, it just changes the color depth, and the file size. Usually a compression of 10 - 15% is quite OK, but over 20% pictures tend to look a bit washed out. Keep in mind that compression is a one way street. Once pixels have been washed out, you can not get them back from Santa Claus and put them back in there. That is why you keep a pure archive copy. If you got too carried away with the compression, you can always start again from the big original. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years". ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband! ....Is this 555-1374? "No, this is 555-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 15, 2006 - Hanover Township, Pennsylvania - IBS As a deputy police chief, James Cavallo Sr. is used to busting the bad guys, but never once did he think he'd have to help bust his own son. "I told my kids when I started this job years and years ago that ‘If you got into trouble, you would face the music. I won't get you out of it. I can't,'"Cavallo said. James Cavallo Jr., 28, was sent Thursday to Northampton County prison after his arrest on suspicion of robbing Susquehanna Bank in Hanover Township, Pa., on Tuesday. "As soon as I saw the picture, my heart sunk," said the father, the acting police chief of Moore Township, Pa. Police said Cavallo Jr. walked in and the handed teller a note indicating he was armed but showed no gun. The teller handed him the money, and he walked out without incident, getting away with about $6,000. Soon after, police investigators sent out a surveillance photo to other police departments. Cavallo Sr. said the man in the photo was unmistakable. "Immediately it was clear. I knew what I had to do," he said. After calling investigators, the chief then came with them to his son's home and showed him the surveillance photo from the bank. That's when police said the son confessed. "He confided that he had a problem with cocaine, and that's why he did it," Cavallo Sr. said Thursday. After the robbery, his son -- who is married with five kids -- drove to Atlantic City, N.J., to buy drugs, then gambled some of the money away, police said. Police said they confiscated about $3,800 of the stolen cash from inside his home. "I hate it, hate drugs and what it does to people," Cavallo Sr. said. The chief said his son has been battling a cocaine addiction over the last four years. He said he hopes by turning him in, he'll finally get the help he needs. "Sometimes, it's not an easy step -- staying in jail, being away from your family -- but it's a necessary step," Cavallo Sr. said ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Uses for Old Magazines Give your old magazines to hospitals, nursing homes, senior centers, schools or clinics. Schools need magazines for research and for children to cut pictures out of. Any where there is a waiting room there are people hoping for something to read. By Marianne Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled around, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I . . . didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico Friday, Sept. 22 at 10:15 a.m. McMillan, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. DePottey at Northstar Baptist Church, 7254 County Road 415, McMillan, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== From Dave C in TO Der Webby, Thank you for providing such pleasure and assistance. I use Spybot regularly. Recently, I have been getting a warning window when I attempt to start the Program. It reads: SPYBOTSD.EXE UNABLE TO LOCATE COMPONENT This application has failed to start because framedyn.dll was not found When you press "OK" the ap starts and runs normally. I went to help and it suggests downloading Spybot again. This did not remedy the situation. What am I doing wrong? The second question regards an external hard drive back-up of the C: drive. Should I back-up the entire C: drive including Windows XP and other aps? Thanks again Dave Dear Dave framdyn.dll is a Windows component, not a Spybot component. You can download it from Microsoft: http://support.microsoft.com/default.as ... -us;319114 Re back-Up: If you use "Ghost" or a similar program, which writes an image of the C:\ drive, then you CAN back up Windows and applications. Then you can just pop the external drive into the machine and continue working, if the C:\ drive fails. However, you are also copying any problems that may be on the C:\ drive, and if the failure was caused by configs or bad files, you copy that too. Normally you do that just with industrially clean drives that have absolutely no utilities, games or fun stuff, or before you put any of that onto the machine. Most people just back up the data. If the C:\ drive fails, you get a chance for a fresh, clean, fast running installation, and then just restore the data files. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lava Lake http://www.swisseduc.ch/stromboli/perm/ ... ke-en.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 18/06 


Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 18, 2006
======================================

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-- Woody Allen

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
-- Socratex

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract
instead of under observation.
-- Walter Winchell

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

From Myrna
Dear Webby,
a few years ago you had that classic bricklayer's
compensation board letter. Do you still have it?
Can you print it again, please?
Thanks
Myrna

Sure, Myrna, here it is. It must be an all time favorite,
because I remember requests for it, when the Humor
Letter was still in fax format, before the Internet.

Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of  my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following  details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work,  found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the  bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a  pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth  floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the  roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went  down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow  descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground  so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now  proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in  section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I  continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my  right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately by this
time I had regained my  presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the  rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now  devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50  lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a  rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third  floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured  ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell  into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I  am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in  pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let  go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey  back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Redhead Denise, after living in sin for too long wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived most of his life in the Australian outback. George and Denise end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds George, her new husband, standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a readhead," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get." =========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know. about the changes at Google. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 19 year old illegal immigrant in Waukesha, Wisconsin Dumb Arsonist September 15, 2006 - Waukesha, Wisconsin - AP Police said a suspected arsonist was arrested after they found his birth certificate at the scene of a fire this week. The 19-year-old man from Waukesha was arrested Wednesday after officials found his birth certificate at the scene of Sunday's fire, Waukesha Fire Marshal Brian Charlesworth said. "You would think somebody wouldn't do that," Charlesworth said. "But, fortunately for us, they did." The man was also being held in connection with a fire on May 29 that damaged a historic home in town. Police and firefighters noted similar characteristics between the two fires. The most recent fire was a series of small ones at a telecommunications business, said Lt. William Graham. The man's birth certificate was found at the back of the building, he said. Immigration officials have been contacted because the man told police he was in the country illegally, he said. Charges could come as soon as Friday, he said. The nearly 100-year-old Nelson House home sustained moderate damage in the blaze and was not destroyed. The home was built in 1910 and is listed on the National Register of Historic Places. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for this picture: Hot-tub race =========================================== Thansk to Sandie for this story: Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even. ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: CC and Diskeeper Dear Webby, Thanks so much for the fun, pic & tips. I saw the letter w/ the sunset pic from your office. My what a nice setting. I downloaded crap Cleaner today & did an initial cleaning. After that when I went to my msn page to get to mail I had to sign in aain. If I do a daily cleaning will I had to do this every time? I saw a box that said I could run CC at startup. Is this advisable? I looked at the options tab & saw that I could opt to keep some "cookies". Will this make it so I do not have to resign in each time after running CC? Also I am wondering about downloading the new Diskeeper & "set it & forget". can I run both Disk & CC? Thanks so much for your help. I do appreciate your time. Sharon Dear Sharon There is no need to clean the cookies out every day, and no need to clean ALL cookies. You can customize Crap Cleaner to do exactly what you want it to do. I just clean the some of the cookies about once a month. The rest of the time I just let it clean the other stuff. DisKeeper is not related to CrapCleaner. Crap Cleaner gets rid of useless crap. DisKeeper defragments the stuff that you keep, and moves important stuff away from areas, that are getting flakey, and marks potholes as places to avoid when Windows writes files to the drive. Diskeeper can be set to run whenever the screen saver comes on. CrapCleaner CAN be run at start-up, but that's not a good idea for people who are impatient to get started ;-) Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Morris complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, " BS! Just wait until the autopsy, then they'll see that I was right." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) you have a dirty mind, (2) you didn't read your homework, and (3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 14, 2006 - Kenya - AP The Kenya Wildlife Service has begun moving 150 elephants from a small reserve to its largest national park because of overcrowding with rhinos, a spokesman said Wednesday. The first 40 elephants were tranquilized and moved by truck earlier this week from the Ngulia Rhino Sanctuary, about 185 miles east of Nairobi, under the program. The remainder were to be moved by Friday. ''We need to protect the rhinos and allow them space so that their numbers can grow,'' said Patrick Omondi, head of the wildlife service's elephant program. The wildlife service on Sept. 25 also will begin relocating another 250 elephants to Tsavo National Park from the overcrowded Shimba Hills National Reserve, about 218 miles away, under a separate program. Kenya has only 539 rhinos countrywide, about 70 in the Ngulia sanctuary. The country's elephant population is estimated at 35,000, down from a peak of 167,000 in the 1970s. Tsavo suffered its heaviest loss of elephants during the 1980s and early 1990s because of poaching, that has since subsided with the help of a 1989 global ban on the ivory trade. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com T-Shirt and Sweatshirts Save t-shirts or sweatshirts and make them into a quilt. You can also make them into throw pillows. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Pieces of well washed t-shirts also make excellent camera lens and eye glass cleaner rags. They are even softer on camera lens coatings than the expensive micro-fiber lens-cloths. A stack of those, nicely dyed, could be a very much appreciated Christmas gift for a photographer friend. Have FUN! DearWebby
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Lt. Col. Marshall A. Gutierrez at Immaculate Conception Church, 811 6th St., Las Vegas, New Mexico Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Inlaws http://whozoo.org/Anlife99/bethsugg/gorillaindex2.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby's Humor Letter, Sept 17/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 17, 2006
======================================

Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
But there are dishonest men in national government too.
-- Richard M. Nixon

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-- Socratex

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down,
and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or . . . !" Scared, the bartender
serves the man his Budweiser.  This happens everyday for a
week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck.
He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand
up for himself.

"Easier said than done," the bartender thinks, but he decides
to try it anyway.  The next day, the hooligan returns, slams his
fist down and yells, "Give me a Budweiser, or . . . !"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inappropriate censoring
   Telus  for inappropriate censoring

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Very interesting FREE report. There is no catch or obligation. If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know about the changes at Google. ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Heather Michelle Kane, 22, Mesa, AZ Too jealous for her own good September 14, 2006 - Mesa, Arizona - AP A 22-year-old woman was arrested after authorities say she tried to hire someone to kill another woman whose photo appeared on her boyfriend's MySpace.com Web page. Heather Michelle Kane was booked Tuesday for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder, Mesa Detective Jerry Gissel said. She was arrested after she met an undercover Mesa police detective at a grocery store, gave the officer $400 and offered to pay an additional $100 once the woman had been killed, according to court records. The records said Kane gave the undercover officer photographs taken from her boyfriend's social networking Web page of the woman she wanted killed. She also requested a photo of the woman's dead body. It wasn't clear if the boyfriend and the targeted woman were romantically involved, Gissel said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== =========================================== A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jaye Re: Dead drive Dear Webby, All I can tell you about this situation is I was using my son's Computer when I had to leave the room, when I got back to it, no screen , a lot of heat ,so I thinking it was in a sleep mode giggled the Mouse and nothing happened... I heard a loud ticking from the Puter and shut it down... I turned the Computer back on and there was a warning on the screen that the system was missing or there was a corrupt file...it said try to press any key and then when I did it asked to insert Windows Cd. So when my son tried to recover, he had to try 3 times and still the ticking noise was there and would not recover... Any thoughts on this one...Computer was an xp and very expensive. Thank you for all the help you have given me...You’re the best source of info. Jaye Dear Jaye That sounds like a bad hard drive. That ticking is probably the hard drive hunting for the boot sector. You might be able to read it again when it has cooled down, but don't use it for any length of time, just copy the most important stuff you got onto CD's. Make a list beforehand of what is the most important, and don't get sidetracked.. Keep copying until the drive dies again. If the boot sector is too badly damaged and you can't boot up again, put another Windows drive into its place and use the bad drive as a second drive. Quite often you can still copy the data off it that way. If that does not work either, then you can try Drivesavers at http://drivesavers.com. However, they are not cheap! If the data on the drive is not worth at least $2000, don't bother going there. With the next drive, do yourself a favor and get DisKeeper from http://webby.com/diskeeper and let it take care of the drive, or the same will happen again. The problem was not due to anything you did. It was either the way the drive was used without proper tuning over a long period of time, or a mechanical failure that was not seen and reported. Diskeeper would have reported the impending failure before it got out of control. Good Luck DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving well above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles per hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that *YOU* were the officer and that you were trying to make her go back to me." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take theGuadalupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 9, 2006 - Vergennes, Vermont - AP A woman who learned six weeks before her wedding that her fiancé was cheating on her is turning her would-be reception into a charity benefit. "I'm really just trying to turn it around and make something positive out of it," said Kyle Paxman. Paxman, 29, had planned to celebrate her nuptials at the Basin Harbor Club on Lake Champlain on Saturday. When she found out about her fiancé, she called off the 180-guest wedding and the four-year relationship. She and her mother canceled the band, photographer and florist, but learned they would not be reimbursed for the reception and block of rooms they had reserved. So they turned the reception into a benefit for the Vermont Children's Aid Society and CARE USA, an international relief organization that aims to combat poverty by empowering women. They sent out invitations to 125 women for drinks and a gourmet four-course dinner. In exchange, they hope the guests will make donations to the charities. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crumpled Tin Foil If you don't have a wire brush to clean your outdoor grill, just crumple up some aluminum foil and use that to clean the grill. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:15 p.m. McMinnville, Tennessee Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. John A. Carroll at Mountain View Cemetery, 209 Mountain St., McMinnville, Tennessee Sunday, Sept. 17 at 7:15 p.m. Sunman, Indiana Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Anthony P. Seig at American Legion Headquarters, 412 Eastern Ave., Sunman, Indiana Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. High, Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Lt. Col. Marshall A. Gutierrez at Immaculate Conception Church, 811 6th St., Las Vegas, New Mexico Thursday, Sept. 21 at 9:15 a.m. Rio Rancho, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Alexander Jordan at Vista Verde Cemetery, 4301 Sara Road SE, Rio Rancho, New Mexico I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!" ======================================== Re Merri Lynn's quest: Dear Merri Lynn, Seems your ex is having fun at your expense playing cat and mouse with you. Stop torturing yourself and accept that you have done some foolish things. Move on. Get your divorce the old fashioned way: Run, don't walk, to your nearest courthouse, ask for the packet of papers for divorce (which should include thorough instructions) fill out the appropriate papers, pay the filing fees and place whatever newspaper notice is required for your circumstance of not being able to serve the actual papers on your spouse. Deeli ----------------------- Dear Webby, Please ask Merri Lynn if she's tried http://www.zabasearch.com/ I've been amazed at what I have been able to find out there! Your other readers may want to know about it, since a lot of personal information is available, and they may want to know what's "on the net" about them. Of course, I'd recommend that Merri Lynn have his papers served to the address she finds there first! If she alerts him ahead of time, he'll conveniently skip again, I'm sure! Hope this is helpful, Laura -------------------------- Hi Webby: Tell Merri Lynn to go to Peoplefinders.com, I found my friends birth parents on that site, great site, cost is 9.95 for phone number, address, etc!!!! Ann ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Pick your news channel http://www.dotso.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 16/06 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

"Only those who dare to fail greatly
can ever achieve greatly."
-- Robert F. Kennedy

What this country needs is more free speech
worth listening to.
-- Hansell B. Duckett

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can,
and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money
to pay for our kids' therapy.
-- Michelle Pfeiffer

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.
If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know
about the changes at Google.

============================================

Thanks to Dave for this story:
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mifter", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probally right mifter, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Petros Onen, 49, in Athens, Greece Bank ninja September 13, 2006 - Athens, Greece - Reuters A Greek bank robber armed with ninja throwing stars finally ran out of moves Tuesday when police arrested him after an Athens bank robbery. Petros Onen, 49, had held up 11 small suburban bank branches making away with 50,000 euros ($63,590) in recent months, threatening to throw his razor-sharp, palm-size stars -- made famous by the Japanese ninja warriors -- at cashiers, police said. His luck ran out when undercover policemen at the last bank he robbed followed him home and arrested him with his loot, his throwing stars, a fake gun and a list of other bank branches. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Martin for this picture: So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind: Is it the right time? Is anyone watching? Does your partner even want to? Is your breath fresh? And... Should you use some tongue? Then you lean in and just go for it!!! =========================================== An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen. A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it." "Can't," replied the rider. So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: XP Home or PRO Hi Mr Webby; Tell me what's better..... "Windows XP Pro! or Windows XP Home?" and why? Fast Eddie Dear Eddie For you, XP home is better. It's half the price and you'll never know the difference. If it was for a machine that was used to administer a network of more than 10 machines, THEN pay the higher price to get the PRO. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music." "He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 13, 2006 - Lebanon, N.H. - AP Two men are donating kidneys to each other's wives in a four-way surgical swap Wednesday at a hospital in New Hampshire. One of the women will receive a kidney from a stranger who has compatible blood and tissue types. Meanwhile, her husband has turned out to be a compatible donor for the other man's wife. The couples do not know each other. The surgery will be the second kidney transplant for one woman, who hopes it will allow her to live without regular dialysis. The surgeon who'll perform the operation said organs from living donors always work better than those harvested from someone who has just died. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Apple and Dell Laptop Battery Recalls Apple and Dell have had to recalled a large number of potentially unsafe laptop batteries. If your laptop was purchased within the last couple of years you may be entitled to a new battery for your laptop. Dell Battery Exchange Website: https://www.dellbatteryprogram.com/ Apple Battery Exchange Website: https://support.apple.com/ibook_powerbook/batteryexchange/ Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. "The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." ======================================== From Merri Lynn Dear Webby, Could you suggest a site to use to find my husband? I want a divorce, but he has eluded me for the past 18 years, just when I know where he is and get a phone # for him, he up and moves. I know I can get a divorce without knowing where he is but the fact is I have already paid for an online service. This was when he was being agreeable and I thought he was going to stay in one place for awhile-foolish me!!!!! Anyway you have so many wonderful helpful sites to refer to I thought maybe you had a good search engine for this problem. I have his SSN and date of birth. Any help would be great-thanks so much, your cyber friend, Merri Lynn Dear Merri Lynn I have never tried contacting an ex, and have absolutely no clue in that area. However, quite possibly one of the subscribers can steer you in the right direction. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== Thanks to Deeli for this Bonus Link: Watch the movie on that page! Fish Story http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/local_sto ... 64827.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

If you ever get a second chance in life for something,
you've got to go all the way.
-- Lance Armstrong

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.

============================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts
were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would
have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green
persimmons though because they are so sour they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She
agreed
to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a
thermon tewday

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to kati for this story: Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "you know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up. " Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing just fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and then the Japanese tourist standing next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicole Delameter. 26, of New Port Richey, FL Dumb place to park! September 13, 2006 - New Port Richey, Florida - AP Nicole Delameter has learned to be more judicious when selecting a parking spot. When Circuit Judge Stanley Mills arrived for work Monday, Delameter's 1990 Oldsmobile was parked in his reserved space at the courthouse. So he parked his 2005 Cadillac behind her car and forced her to sit in his courtroom until he was ready to leave. Delameter, 26, swears she thought the "reserved" sign meant it was reserved for those going to court. She had to sit in the judge's courtroom for more than three hours -- and she had come only to give her sister a ride to a boyfriend's court hearing. "I'm very, very sorry," she told the St. Petersburg Times. "I'll never do it again in a million, million years." Mills said it was the second time in as many weeks that he found someone parked in his space. "There's two perks to the job," the judge said. "I have my own bathroom, and I have my own parking spot, and you're not going to get to use either." ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for this picture: =========================================== Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sitting in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: Embed pictures Dear Webby, How do I put a pix on my e-mails that if you click on them they will remain small thumbnails, please help and thank you in advance...you have helped me so much in the past. Gary Mancini Dear Gary I don't really kow how that is done with hotmail. With most email programs you just copy a picture in a graphics program, jump to the mail program and put the cursor where you want the picture, and hit CTRL V to paste it. If you want to have the picture in every email, make a signature block and put the picture into that. With both of those methods, the pictures will remain in the size that you paste them. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 10, 2006 - Alexandria, Va. - MSNBC The owner of one of the nation's largest Internet software piracy Web sites has been sentenced to more than seven years in prison. Nathan Peterson, 27, of Los Angeles, sold products copyrighted by companies such as Microsoft Corp. and Adobe Systems Inc. at a huge discount on his site, iBackups.net, prosecutors said. The site began operating in 2003 and was shut down by the FBI in February 2005. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Restaurant Nutrition Information If you are watching your weight but still like to eat out, be sure to check out the nutrition information online before going to restaurant. All major restaurant chains and fast food restaurant post their nutrition information on their corporate website. Just type the name of restaurant and "nutrition information" into your favorite search engine and you should find the page you are looking for. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down towards the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobble to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me." The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Hi Webby, Just a note to know how much I enjoy the heck out of your website! Thank you....\ Karen ------------------------- Hi Webby Just to let you know how much I enjoy receiving your E mails here in Bristol England Keep up the good work Zanteman ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Time http://www.time.gov/exhibits.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 14/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 14, 2006
======================================

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire

Today, there are three kinds of people:
the have's,
the have-not's,
and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's.
-- Earl Wilson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this classic:

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gordon Syron, Sydney, Australia Enchanted by modern art September 11, 2006 - Sydney, Australia - AP An art collector who recently bought two paintings for $1.1 million might want to invest in a better way of getting his purchases home. Gordon Syron bought the two contemporary art works from a downtown Sydney gallery on Friday afternoon and put them on his car's roof rack. But he forgot to tie them down and was driving to his nearby home before he realized his mistake. Both paintings fell off. One painting was picked up from the street and handed to police Saturday and the second was returned Sunday after the finder saw a television news report about the loss Saturday night, he said. "A guy picked up the painting after it flew off my car and took it home without really looking at it. I think he liked the frame," Syron said of the second painting. "When I got a call today to tell me about the second painting, I just could not believe my luck," he added. The only damage was scratched frames, he said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Dad was so surprised to see other hikers, that he took a picture of them. =========================================== "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are, as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allen Re: Precise picture positioning in WORD Dear Webby, How can I position a picture with word at the precise place where I want it, intead of where WORD wants to put it? Thanks Allen Dear Allen That's a secret, as far as Microsoft is concerned,but it can be done quite easily. Click on the picture to make it active. Then click on the little doggie icon for Text Wrap. Select TIGHT. The picture will probably scoot off to somewhere else, where it is not suppoded to be, often on the next page. Click on it a couple of times and then you can drag it to where it belongs. It will probably change it's width and hight in the process, but now you can squish it to the exact size you want, andyou can even rotate it. The TIGHT text wrap setting will make the text flow around it and match the contours. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 11, 2006 - NEW YORK - AP Margaret Johnson might have looked like an easy target in her wheelchair. When a man tried to grab a chain off her neck Friday, the 56-year-old pulled out her licensed .357 pistol and shot him, police said. "There's not much to it," she said in a brief interview. "Somebody tried to mug me, and I shot him." Johnson said she was in Harlem on her way to a shooting range when the man, identified by police as 45-year-old Deron Johnson, came up from behind and went for the chain. Deron Johnson was taken to Harlem Hospital with a single bullet wound in the elbow, police said. He faces a robbery charge, said Lt. John Grimpel, a police spokesman. Margaret Johnson, who lives in Harlem, has a permit for the weapon and does not face charges, Grimpel said. She was taken to the hospital with minor injuries and later released. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry, so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Thanks to Fran for this story: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same hand- some young man I married." "Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:15 a.m. Highland, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Hannah L. McKinney at Immanuel Baptist Church, 28355 Baseline St., Highland, California Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor. "My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of stupid and useless advice did Cohen give you?" "He told me to come and see you...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: All About Canning http://www.pickyourown.org/allaboutcanning.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 13/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 13, 2006
======================================

Never explain--your friends do not need it and
your enemies will not believe you anyway.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Insanity in individuals is something rare -
but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members
were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep
in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and
can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a
story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three
days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so
tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid
my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened
by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just messed my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back
then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Bob had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?" "I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Peter Sullivan, New York, and to Starbucks Another frivolous lawsuit September 9, 2006 - New York - AP Starbucks Corp. was sued for $114 million Friday over its recall last week of a coupon that entitled the holder to a free large iced drink being promoted by the Seattle coffee retailer. Peter Sullivan, the lawyer who sued on behalf of a 23 year old Starbucks regular who felt "betrayed" when her coupon was not honored, accused the company of fraud and said he will request class-action status to include the "thousands who were misled" by the offer. On Aug. 23, Starbucks e-mailed the coupon for the free grande drink to select employees with instructions for them to forward the coupon to friends and family. The offer was valid through Sept. 30. But, Sullivan said, Starbucks got jittery and refused to honor the coupon after the company saw how widely it had been distributed. "I believe they were surprised by how successful the promotion was," the lawyer said. "The excuse proffered by Starbucks, that they did not believe that an offer released over the Internet would be so widely distributed, is ridiculous," Sullivan said. "Clearly, Starbucks chose to initiate a viral marketing campaign to counteract their slumping sales." A spokeswoman for Starbucks said company officials had seen Sullivan's press release but not his court papers and would have no immediate comment. Sullivan said he saw lines of coupon-carrying caffeine customers outside Starbucks coffee shops in New York in response to the promotion, and when they could not redeem the coupons "they felt let down and angry." One of those people, Sullivan said, was his client, Kelly Coakley of Queens, who works as a paralegal and administrative assistant. The $114 million the lawsuit asks for approximates the average cost of one cup of Starbucks coffee a day for all of the people turned away for the 38 days the offer was valid, Sullivan said. "That's a very conservative figure," he said. He did not explain how they determined how many people had tried to redeem the coupon. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== =========================================== During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big goob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Karen Re: Power Converters Dear Webby, What kind of power converters do I need for my laptop, camera and travel printer for traveling to Europe? Karen Dear Karen, Most likely all you need is a short extension cord that has 3 outlets and with the plug cut off. When you get there, buy a cheap cord plug at any supermarket or electrical store, and put it at the cut end of your power cord. Almost all laptop and camera chargers are labeled 100V - 240V. They don't care. All you need to adapt is the plug at the end of your extension cord so that it fits into the quaint sockets, that they have over there. Most European countries use the same voltage, but differently shaped outlets, and some countries have more than one style. If you travel around much, you will soon accumulate a nice collection of plugs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 9, 2006 - Davison, Mich. - AP A woman who spent 29 years as a teacher and counselor at the city high school has left $1.3 million to the school district. Edna Diehl left the money when she died at age 88 in July. The Davison Educational Foundation will hold the money in trust with the interest to be used to fund scholarships. The district expects the interest will generate about $60,000 a year, paying for two years' worth of college for five students every year, said Kevin Leffler, a school board member and foundation president. Diehl and her husband, Ben, who died in 1997, had no children, said former colleague Pat McGlashen. Diehl was known as a serious, sometimes even strict teacher at Davison High School. Past students said she cared deeply and wanted them to succeed in life. "She was pretty serious most of the time. But she could also be fun outside of school," Connie Olejniczak, her student during the mid-1960s, told The Flint Journal for a Saturday story. Diehl was known for her ability to raise money for student trips, colleagues said. "I remember her having to count money all the time," said Dick DeLoge, a retired teacher who worked with her for about five years. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Auto Cool Review Auto Cool is a solar powered fan that has been heavily marketed on TV throughout the summer. They advertise that it keep your car cool when it is parked in the hot sun. The problem is, it doesn't work. Many reviewers of this product actually state it makes your car hotter. Summer is winding down, but they are still selling this product and some people may be tempted buy it. It only costs $14.95, but it's money down the drain. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 1015 a.m. Shamokin Dam, Pennsylvania Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Justin W. Dreese at Brookside Ministries Church, 11 Stetler Ave., Shamokin Dam, Pennsylvania Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:15 a.m. Highland, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Hannah L. McKinney at Immanuel Baptist Church, 28355 Baseline St., Highland, California Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Our Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the firing range. We had been issued our last rounds of ammo and were firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they fluttered away. Firing stopped as we looked to the range officials. "Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled. "We've got 'em on the run now." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Pioneer TV http://www.pioneertv.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 12/06 


Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 12, 2006
======================================

All things are difficult before they are easy.
-- Dr. Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.
-- Albert Einstein

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness;
there is also the success of others.
-- Jules Renard

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the
umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly
yelled, "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

A nearby fan finally yelled out, "Lady,
the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!"

She shouted back, "Hey, how would you know that?
That's my husband, not yours!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== New young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrased performing female exams and had unconsiously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrasement. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny, madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Harvey, 35 of Guernsey, England Fake Oddyssey September 8, 2006 - UK - The Scotsman A diver who claimed he had a miraculous escape after being lost at sea for 58 hours appears to have been staying on dry land during the entire search, police said yesterday. Officers in Guernsey said Matthew Harvey was being investigated over suspicions that he boarded a ferry for mainland Britain shortly after being reported missing on a diving expedition on Saturday morning. He then returned to Guernsey on a ferry on Monday afternoon and got back into the water and waited to be rescued, officers believe. In the meantime, a huge search and rescue operation had been launched for the married 35-year-old in the Fermain Bay area. Lifeboats, Coastguards and hundreds of local residents joined the search, but it was called off at 4pm on Monday - and his parents told he was probably dead. But three hours later at 7pm he was plucked from the water by a passing yacht in the spot where he went diving. He was believed to have survived three days at sea without food or water. Chief Inspector Rory Hardy, of Guernsey Police, said: "We received information from a member of the public and a police force that Mr Harvey was seen in Britain over the weekend. "The allegation is that he left the island by ferry on Saturday lunchtime after going for a dive around 8:30 am and returned on Monday at about 5:30pm. "We are examining whether there are any possible charges to be faced." He added: "In summary, he was not missing at sea or on the coasts of Guernsey as suggested." In a statement on Wednesday, Mr Harvey claimed he was dragged out by a strong tide after being knocked unconscious when he was hit by a boat. He claimed he was left dazed and drifted around the east of the island towards Jersey and at one point was forced to clamber on to rocks. After he was "saved" he spent two days in hospital suffering exhaustion and his father Dan, 66, was seen on local TV tearfully hugging the couple who pulled him on to their yacht. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== This is a real North Pole sunset. =========================================== Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, usually going on well over an hour. One day she hung up after 45 minutes. "What is the matter today?", asked her husband. "Today you had less than an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.... ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Dear Webby, I have an appointment with a new doctor. I went to his site to download his health questionnaire form to complete before I went to his office. It was in PDF format. I could only read the headings. Everything else was in crazy characters I had never seen. Is there something wrong with my computer? Am I missing some update to my Adobe Reader? You have been helpful to me more than you know. Thanks. Carol D. Dear Carol It opens fine for me and looks OK I tried it both with Foxit, my default PDF reader and with good old (and slow) Adobe Acrobat. If you want Foxit, you can download it at http://www.foxitsoftware.com/default.htm It's free. Most likely your Adobe has some conflict with AOL. Hopefully Foxit will sneak around that. Have FUN! DearWebby Dear Webby You are right, as usual, Webby. I tried downloading the file using Internet Explorer and it worked fine. I actually HATE AOL, but I have so many addys, favorites, saved files, etc. that I have stayed with it rather than have to build everything new. But, one of these days.... Thanks so much for your help. Carol ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light," After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Snowdonia, UK - Ananova A company in Snowdonia has won an award for making greetings cards and gifts out of sheep droppings. Creative Paper Wales won a £20,000 Millennium Award for its Sheep Poo Paper products, reports the BBC. They collect sheep droppings from the surrounding mountains, sterilise it in pressure cookers and recover the washed and undigested fibres. A sheep digests just 50% of what it eats. The recovered fibres are mixed to form paper and cardboard for the company's range of stationery and gift products. Even the washing water is not wasted - it is distributed to local growers as concentrated fertiliser. Founders Lawrence Toms, 38, from Rhondda and Lez Paylor, 38, from Caerphilly, said they had been keen to develop an idea which would be uniquely Welsh. The company's plant at Aberllefenni, near Machynlleth, will be able to produce one to two tonnes of paper a year. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Clothing Bargains September is a great month to find summer clothing on clearance. Keep an eye out for short sleeve shirts, shorts, swim-wear and sandals. You can get next year's summer clothing at clearance prices. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed." Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season. A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, Sept. 12 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Shane P. Harris at Rogers Mortuary, 600 Reynolds, Las Vegas, New Mexico Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== During the Second World War, when many young men were being trained for combat, they were stationed in the deep south, and it was the custom for some of the local residents to offer some Southern Hospitality to our fighting men. One day, in a camp that will remain nameless, the phone rang; a woman at a local woman's school offered to entertain a dozen soldiers at a party being held the upcoming weekend, and would the captain send some of her best behaved men over? The captain agreed, but before he could finalize the agreements, the woman made a request: "Please, suh, don't send any Jewish boys." The captain agreed ... no Jews. The day of the party, the soldiers were dropped off at the school, and knocked on the door. The hostess opened the door ... to the sight of a dozen Black soldiers, all in dress uniforms. "Why, th-there m-must be some kind of m-mistake," she stammered. "No, ma'am," said one of the soldiers, "Captain Rabinowitz, he don't make no mistakes." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Rob Perry Landscapes http://www.robperry.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 11/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 11, 2006
======================================

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
-- William G. McAdoo

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

From Sandie
Not a joke, but something to think about today:

Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head..........
By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims
of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our
country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking
about it either, because you just don't criticize anything
having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers
pass by because it says something really disturbing about
the entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family
member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get
an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee
 $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier
killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct
death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the
surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry.
And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child
under 18.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an
average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining
that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most,
they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US,
and they and their families know the dangers.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part
and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this
country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes
up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of
a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle
Eastwhile their families have to survive on food stamps
and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise.
Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress
one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per
month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out
as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month,
and the very people who placed them in harm's way receive
a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and
join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering
pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

Rush Limbaugh:

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   us.army.mil for deciding the Humor Letter is too naughty for infantry
   Telus.net for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Docksey for this story: Cuckoo Clock Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married! The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos..... (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told Him Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, hickupped, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then banged against the coffee table and farted. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gaetan Roy of St Mary, NH Opting Out September 6, 2006 - MANCHESTER, N.H. - AP Police said Gaetan Roy had just lost his job, so he came up with a plan: Rob a bank, hang around, then get taken to jail to be "supported." Roy has been charged with robbing a St. Mary's Bank. Police said he walked into the bank Friday and handed a note to the teller that said: "This is a robbery. Put all the cash into the plastic bag. No hassles, no problems." Roy left the bank with about $1,300. When officers arrived, they found Roy in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot next to the bank, drinking an iced coffee. Police said he had the note and cash stuffed in his pockets. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Caribbean Treasure =========================================== What My Mother Taught Me... TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident." IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" CONTORTIONISM: "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!" STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!" THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harold Re: Double Sided Printing Dear Webby I have a Brother MFC 420 multifunction printer. It's a great printer, but unfortunately prints on only one side. To print the back side, it's a tedious shuffle to get the papers in the right order so that the page numbering does not get out of sequence. Is there a trick to that? Harold Dear Harold The trick is to click on the ClickBook link in the left side menu, or to go to http://webby.com/clickbook and get Clickbook. It does all the shuffling for you. Whenever I buy an e-book or a lengthy report, I hit CTRL P to print, Select ClickBook as the printer, select "4 pages per sheet Booklet" from the 170 different formats that are available, and let it rip. When the printer stops shaking, I drop the entire printed stack, as is, into the paper feed tray. No turning, no flipping, just drop the whole stack. Then it prints the back sides. When the printer is finished with the back sides, I fold the stack in half and shoot some staples through the spine. That way, a 200 page e-book prints on 50 sheets of paper, all pages in perfect sequence and numbering. I have used it for years and it has never messed up a single print job. Whenever something to be printed is more than a single page, I use ClickBook. That little program cuts my paper and ink and printer replacement cost to 1/4 of what it would otherwise be. It's also perfect for reading while traveling. Instead of loose, full size sheets, you have your reading material in compact paperback book size, that is a lot less hassle on a plane. For MapQuest driving directions I select the 4 pages/sheet flip-down format like Ralley maps. That makes quite a difference in fast traffic in a strange city. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Sam and James were very good friends. One day Sam came over to James's house to visit, but when he entered the home, James wasn't there. James's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Sam, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the curtains? He's in a eally restless mood!" So Sam did his best trying to keep the baby from wrestling out of his arms. A few minutes later, James came in and said to Sam, "How ya doin, Sam?" Sam replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started.... ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Morris was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras. The clerk noticed he had been there for some time, so she walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance. Morris, somewhat confused answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 7, 2006 - Mobile, Alabama -AP Police have found a new use for macadamia nuts: undercover work. Officers used chopped macadamia nuts to resemble rocks of crack cocaine during a drug sting Friday and Saturday on a street corner near downtown that has been the subject of repeated complaints about illegal drug activity. "Our operation was two-sided to attack both the supply side and the demand side," Chief Phillip Garrett said. As part of the sting, police searched two houses on State Street and arrested six people on charges of distribution of a controlled substance. Police seized crack cocaine, prescription pain medication, and more than $4,000 in cash at one location, Johnson said. Police said the two-day crackdown resulted in a total of 21 arrests. The people caught buying fake crack were charged with a misdemeanor, attempting to possess a controlled substance. Hill said word of the arrests would ripple through the neighborhood and have an impact on drug dealing. "We want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for the buyers to buy and the sellers to sell," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Home and Garden Bargains September is a great month to get items for your home and garden at clearance prices. Keep an eye out for seeds, plants, planters, deck stain, outdoor grills and garden tools. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras at Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras at Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?" ======================================== Thanks to GreatGranny VI for this Bonus Link: Micro Art http://www.ezprezzo.com/crazypics/microscopic_art.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 10/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 10, 2006
======================================

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
when you looked at it in the right way,
did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask
a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave
him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Sorry!" responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for Senior Golf An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather in Hongkong Poor Customer Service September 7, 2006 - Hong Kong - The Scotsman A high profile Hong Kong banker yesterday won a court case against her salsa dance instructors, who were ordered to return her deposit paid out for lessons she never completed. Monica Wong, 61, the head of HSBC's private banking business in Asia, had agreed to pay HK$12 million to her dance teachers for eight years of unlimited private lessons and competitions to commence in 2004. After she paid over half the total as a deposit, the relationship with Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather, turned sour. Saccani admitted in court to calling Wong a "lazy cow" and telling her to "move her a**" during a packed dance session in 2004. Wong, who said she suffered an emotional breakdown from the insults, successfully sued the couple for the return of her deposit. ----------------------- HK$ 12 Million is a bit over 1.5 Million US Dollars. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== View from my desk Sun below the horizon, shining through the trees =========================================== You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If: * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. * People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. * The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up. * Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4- wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. * Baptism is referred to as "branding". * There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. * High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. * People think "rapture" is what you get when you slip while lifting a beer keg. * The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. * The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Towing and Junkyard. * The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Yahoo / Norton woes To whom it may concern- I'm trying to receive the HUMOR LETTER-which I enjoy. Yahoo wouldn't let it through, but now they do. Now NORTON ANTIVIRUS blocked the September 9th letter. Said it was damaged with a virus? I got the September 8th letter with out any trouble? What can I do? They may block it all the time-I sure hope not? Troubled. Dorothy Dear Dorothy I have not recommended Norton since 2000. With Windows XP it's more hassle than it's worth, and as you see yourself, it malfunctions. Unless Yahoo added a virus, the Humor Letter can not contain a virus. It does not have any attachments and is plain HTML or text. (HTML is text too, plus a whole bunch of goofy brackets). Any program claiming that text (or HTML) contains a virus, is obviously malfunctioning badly. Considering the constant problems Yahoo has with their mail, it's possible that they got infected again, but I doubt that. Otherwise other people would have reported the same. Most likely you have two totally separate problems: 1) Unreliable mail because of your Yahoo address AND 2) Anti Virus program malfunction due to Norton. My first recommendation would be that you get a decent email address. Amongst the free ones, gmail.com from Google is currently the best one. I'll gladly generate a referral for you, if you need one. My second recommendation is that you get rid of Norton. On XP it's more hassle than it's worth. My favorite anti virus protection is McAfee, but ANY anti virus protection other than Norton, will be an improvement for you. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his night stick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman. "Who's head of the family here?" "You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to settle inside. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Our parish priest was making his visits to several homes in the neighborhood. He knocked on one door, and a little 4-year-old boy opened it. When he saw the priest, he called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Redwood National Park, California - IBS Two amateur California naturalists have found what they report is the world's tallest living thing. It's a redwood in Redwood National Park on the Northern California coast. The redwood tree, named Hyperion, stands 378.1 feet tall, 8 feet taller than the previous record holder, another coast redwood. The San Francisco Gate reported that the group has found about 135 redwoods that reach higher than 350 feet. The Hyperion was the tallest, followed by Helios, which stands at 376.3 feet, and Icarus, which stands at 371.2 feet, according to the paper. Officials aren't pinpointing the exact location of the trees, out of concern too many visitors could damage the delicate ecology of the areas. Researchers plan to climb the giant Hyperion in the coming weeks and drop a tape measure to confirm its exact height. But the paper reported that the tape drops can't be conducted for at least two weeks because of National Park Service restrictions to protect the marbled murrelet, a small seabird that nests in old-growth redwoods. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten fixtures if necessary. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras at Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras at Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Herons, etc http://tinyurl.com/go7vd ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 9/06 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 9, 2006
======================================

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley

A great many people think they are thinking when they are
really just rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking.
One was Irish, another English, and the last American.
Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe
told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory,
they had to pass the three caves test.

The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave
test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he
said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each
100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one
each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You
must remove the thorn.
In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and
she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so
the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle,
and died soon afterward.

The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave,
drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There
was a lot of commotion and roaring.
No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the
bottle. He went into the second cave.  At first, there was
a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound.

Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he
came out puzzled and asked,
"Where's the thorn in the woman's foot...?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House. The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Donnie Lee Amis, 50 from DC and and Cassandra Albritton, 44, of Mitchellville, MD Beltway snooze shuts down rush hour Rush-hour commuters on the Capital Beltway yesterday morning were forced to wait more than an hour for the Maryland State Police to wake up two persons inside a stolen car. Troopers closed the Inner and Outer Loops of the Beltway at the height of the morning rush hour to deal with the slumbering occupants in a stolen Honda Accord. Traffic backed up for several miles and spilled onto the already packed Route 1 and other secondary roads, which blocked intersections more than a mile away. Motorists said trips from Annapolis and Baltimore took hours, compared to the typical 45 to 50 minutes. A trooper approached the Honda, on the shoulder of the Inner Loop near the Kenilworth Avenue exit in College Park, about 8 a.m. after learning it had been stolen Aug. 27 in Bladensburg. Sgt. Russell Newell, a state police spokesman, said the trooper found a man and a woman asleep inside. The car's hazard lights were blinking, so the trooper called for help because he thought the couple was faking, Sgt. Newell said. "The pair refused to leave the car, prompting police to block the highway in both directions for fear they were armed," he said. Nearly an hour later, troopers dragged the couple from the car and arrested them. Some drugs but no weapons were found, Sgt. Newell said. Police arrested Donnie Lee Amis, 50, of the District, and Cassandra Albritton, 44, of Mitchellville. They are charged with theft, auto theft, drug possession and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. http://www.washtimes.com/metro/20060908 ... -1869r.htm ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== Judi was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Judi bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Judi said. "I get in that pen with my laptop and the kids don't bother me one bit!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Transfer data from old to new machine Dear Webby My wife will soon be taking possession of a new PC with Windows/XP. Can you recommend a product or method to transfer her files & settings from her old PC which is running Windows/98SE. I understand I need to manually install the application software that she needs. Thanks for a great e-zine - it's an awesome start to the day. Regards Mark Dear Mark Forget the settings. Horse and buggy settings from 1998 are meaningless for a 2006 Diesel. To transfer the files, and even a lot of the install files, simply plug the old hard drive in as a second hard drive on the new machine. You will need to get a "2 drive ribbon cable" from the RadioShack or similar electronics shop. They are usually around $2.49 Windows XP will notice and set up the addditional drive with a minimum of fuss. The old drive will then show up as Local Drive E:\ Then you can simply drag the stuff from E:\ to C:\. After all that is done, you can take the drive out again and put it back into the old machine. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite. =========================================== Deeli's Kudos ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Back to School Recipe - Melanie's Greatest Ever Granola Mix: 1 cup of whole wheat flour, 4 cups of quick oatmeal, 1 cup of slivered almonds, 1 cup of coconut and 1/2 cup of brown sugar. Stir well, then add: 1/2 cup oil and 1/2 cup of honey. Directions: Combine it all well breaking up clumps then place on large cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees F till golden brown. Use a spatula a few times and stir it around now and then. Can add raisins or dried fruit when done. Store in air tight container when cool. Great for breakfast with milk as a cereal or you can use in a granola bar recipe. By Melanie Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:45 a.m. Two Rivers, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Shaun A. Novak at St. Peter the Fisherman Catholic Church, 3210 Tannery Rd., Two Rivers, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:15 a.m. Superior, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Kenneth M. Cross at Superior High School, 2600 Catlin Ave., Superior, Douglas County, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:45 a.m. Pelican Rapids, Minnesota Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Joshua R. Hanson at Pelican Rapids High School, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:15 a.m. West Frankfort, Illinois Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Matthew J. Vosbein at St. John the Baptist Church, 703 E. Main, West Frankfort, Illinois Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== I look forward to the "Dear Webby's Humor Letter" every day. I enjoy the clean jokes, great tips, good thoughts/sayings, lots of valuable information. Plus, I don't have to worry about the grandchildren reading this e-mail. Keep up the good work Nellie B Atlanta, GA ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Cadillac Ranch http://tinyurl.com/fjr6o http://www.wallpaperdave.com/page06.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept  

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 8, 2006
======================================

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed
in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope.
-- Winston Churchill

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog;
fewer when pursued by a mad woman;
only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
-- Robertson Davies

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off
for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled in the driveway
and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,
"The pretty lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !" Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me hundred dollars too much. Bye. " =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, England His driving was swift, but his thinking wasn't. September 7, 2006 - Manchester, England - AP A 28-year-old man who blew up a speed-trap camera, hoping to destroy evidence of his transgression, was sentenced to prison for four months on Wednesday. Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, said he had seen a flash of light from the camera, indicating that it had detected him speeding on Aug. 14, 2005. He claimed he feared his driver's license would be suspended, making him unable to work to support his family. So, he drove back to the site and employed materials that he uses in his work as a welder to melt the camera's metal body in an explosive fire. That backfired because images of his speeding survived the explosion, and so did images of him returning to attack the camera. He pleaded guilty to a charge of damaging property. "The defendant accepts that he has created a mountain out of a molehill by behaving stupidly. He finds himself in a great deal of trouble rather than the little deal of trouble he would have been in," said defense lawyer Andrew Bailey. In fact, he would have been in no trouble. Officials confirmed that the camera that Moore sped past was only to monitor traffic patterns and was designed to deter speeders, not catch them. It flashed only as a warning. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my Martin for this picture: =========================================== Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautifulmink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500." "Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000!" "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking now?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover he down payment..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, if you can sign today, but just bid $420,000, OK?" "Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Julia Re: Better download for CrapCleaner Dear Webby; When CrapCleaner, which I love!, wants to update, I wind up at weird download sites where they try to trap me on all kinds of detours. Why can't they have a quick and easy download without a lot of greedy fuss? Julia Dear Julia CrapCleaner is free. The programmers have donated their time and money to provide it to you for free. However, since they don't charge for it, they don't have the money to pay for the file transfer for Millions of downloads. So they allow download sites like FileHippo provide download locations. FileHippo makes money on that with all their advertising that they put in your path when you try to get your download. Actually, anybody, including you, can provide download locations for CrapCleaner. However, unless you have big, powerful servers and are willing to pay for the file transfer cost, don't try it. Since you are a subscriber, you can get it from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. As long as you keep that fairly quiet, I won't have to restrict access to the toolbox. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for more phone fun: Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the Oprah, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona." --Conan O'Brien =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 3, 2006 - Appleton, Wisconsin - AP Pets here will be breathing a little easier now that local rescuers will be carrying oxygen masks designed for animals. Six Appleton fire trucks and 13 ambulances will be equipped with masks intended for use on dogs, cats and other small animals. Alderman Richard Thompson initiated the program after he saw a newspaper photograph of a firefighter in Superior giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a cat rescued from a house fire. "A pet is family to most people," he said. "I know I wouldn't want to lose Maggie, my collie, or Lucy, my Tabby cat, to a fire, carbon monoxide poisoning or Lord knows what else." The money to pay for each $49 mask came from donations by local animal lovers. "It was something to see," Thompson said. "There was no organized solicitation effort. People and community groups just read or heard about the program and stepped up to the plate." The masks, which come in three sizes, will be distributed to each of six fire stations and to the Appleton Police Department K-9 unit, he said. The Madison Fire Department carries similar masks on its seven ambulances, said Lori Wirth, the department's community education officer. The Madison Fire Department also bought its masks with money raised from unsolicited donations, she said. In fact, the department raised so much money it was able to buy mask kits for several neighboring communities. Wirth said the department's firefighters haven't had to use the masks yet but they're trained and willing. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grocery Bags for Cleaning the Litter Box If you use scoop-able cat litter, the bags you get at grocery stores work great for disposing of the litter. Just keep some near the litter box. Tie the bag handles together before throwing away and it will help cut down on odors in your garbage can. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign, , , , "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendant replied, " $3.10 ". ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:15 a.m. Superior, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Kenneth M. Cross at Superior High School, 2600 Catlin Ave., Superior, Douglas County, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:45 a.m. Pelican Rapids, Minnesota Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Joshua R. Hanson at Pelican Rapids High School, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:15 a.m. West Frankfort, Illinois Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Matthew J. Vosbein at St. John the Baptist Church, 703 E. Main, West Frankfort, Illinois Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. It's Friday. Wear something red to show that you support our troops! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Cadillac Ranch http://www.legendsofamerica.com/TX-CadillacRanch.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



[ view entry ] ( 254 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.2 / 42 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 7/06 


Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 7, 2006
======================================

Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed.

 "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver so  you will always remember me."

 "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you
leava me your  Rolex watch instead?"

 "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa & lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a  couple a bambinos."

 "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you
wife inna bed  with another man. Whadda you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so silly now. Dolly P =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Javier Leal, 25 of Chicago Suburban Chicago man drowns after ride in stolen lifeguard boat ASSOCIATED PRESS 09/05/2006 CHICAGO (AP) -- A 25-year-old Berwyn man has drowned after he and several friends stole a lifeguard boat and took it out onto Lake Michigan, police said. Javier Leal and four friends went to the Ohio Street beach early Monday and broke a lock that was securing the boat, officials said. The group floated out into the lake in the boat and then decided to wade back to shore. The boat is intended for a lifeguard and one passenger, said police spokeswoman JoAnn Taylor. Leal's body was pulled from the lake Monday afternoon after a lengthy search. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my JoAnn for this picture: Sunday we had some neighbors stop by for a snack. They seemed to really enjoy the crab apples we set out for them! JoAnn =========================================== Thanks to Chris O for this story: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marcy Re: Deleting individual cookies Dear Webby; Thank you for the information. Now for the stupid question ~How do I clear just that cookie? I have used a computer for about 7 years, but I really don't have much knowledge of how to do things unless someone tells me. I If you have the time, could you please tell me how to remove just one or two cookies? Thank you~ Marcy Dear Marcy The easiest way to sort out and clean your cookies is with CrapCleaner. In case you are one of the very few subscribers who have not gotten CrapCleaner yet, go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and grab it. It's free! In CrapCleaner go to OPTIONS, COOKIES and drag the keepers (bank, Amazon, Barns&Noble, etc) to the right, and the ones you don't need to the left. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 6, 2006 - CHICAGO - AP A suburban Chicago woman traveling home on Amtrak with her ailing father waited up to 23 hours to notify authorities that he had died on the train, according to police. Daniel Stepanovich, 80, of Hammond, Ind., was pronounced dead of natural causes just after midnight Tuesday, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office. His daughter told officials that her father died in the roomette sleeping compartment at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday, just as the eastbound train was pulling into Glenwood Springs, Colo. Stepanovich died from heart disease and cancer, according to an autopsy conducted by the Cook County medical examiner. “She said she didn’t have any money to ship him home from Glenwood Springs, so she waited till she got here,” a Central District police lieutenant said. The Grayslake woman has not been named. The woman and her father boarded the cross-country train in the San Francisco area. The California Zephyr travels from Emeryville, Calif., to Chicago. A neighbor said the father, who had been diagnosed with cancer, had talked of taking "one last train ride." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Back To School Schedules Create a back to school schedule for the whole family to help eliminate the stress of starting school again. Write down what time everyone should wake up to make sure they can eat, shower, get dressed and get out the door on time with the least amount of stress. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Judy was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Thursday, Sept. 7 at 10:15 a.m. Whittier, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David J. Almazan at Sky Rose Chapel, 3888 Workman Mill Road, Whittier, California Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an artists gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lighthouses http://tinyurl.com/hvrxg ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!


[ view entry ] ( 369 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.5 / 8 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 6/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 6, 2006
======================================

I don't really trust a sane person.
-- Lyle Alzado

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
-- Lester B. Pearson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you," the doctor told his anxious patient,
"You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next
several minutes...

Regaining his composure, he apologetically
told his physician that he had no medical
insurance -- "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"OK," said the doctor, "Let's make it a year."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Phil from Oz for this story: One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey. They thought they would have some fun with him. "Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers. "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?" "Sure am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would probably join the Army...." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Prudes of Brattleboro Brattleboro contemplating changing from bratty to snooty September 4, 2006 - Brattleboro, Vermont - AP Public nudity isn't new to this bastion of bohemia, but it usually bares itself in more subtle places than the downtown parking lot. This summer, a group of teenagers has disrobed near restaurants, bookstores and the town's many galleries, igniting a debate about whether Brattleboro should ban a practice long tolerated until now. "Brattleboro tends to be a laid-back town and pretty accepting of the unusual, but this is really pushing limits," said Police Chief John Martin. "It's clearly to outrage people, it's clearly rebelliousness." Now the police chief wants council to ban or restrict the long tolerated practise and change the casual attitude about it. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my dad for this picture: Thelocactus.leucanthus-family. These bloomed today. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Yahoo malfunction Dear Webby; I am having trouble getting the humor letter in this maibox. Up until about a week or so I was getting it on a daily basis. Then all of a sudden it no longer came. 1st I went to my list of blocked mail & cleard then out. Your site was NOT on the list. Then I unsubscribed to it & subscribed to it at another hotmail addressl. I get it now daily there. I tried to subscribe again at this mailbox a couple of days ago but it has not come thru. I would prefer to get it here. What can I do fix this? I don't know who to contact. You are in my address box so it has always come in my inbox not junk. I miss reading it here but can read it in hotmail. Thanks for your hrlp. Sharon Dear Sharon Tell Mom or Gramma that you have been a good girl for a long time, even Dear Webby said so, and that you are ready for a grown-ups style address! Tell her that, being stuck with a play address censored by Sniveling Ninnies, causes you to start acting like a silly whiner, and not ladylike at all! Take her to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog and show her how often Yahoo has won a Sniveling Ninny Award for messing up the mail! I am sure you will be allowed to finally get a grown-ups style address, instead of a disreputable, disposable play-mail address. It's just nor proper that a nice young lady like you should have to dress in the skanky garb of lewd juveniles and have everybody snickering behind your back, and calling you "one of those silly yahoos". She probably won't let you use a domain based address like sharon@dawna.com, because those cost $2 a month, but at least you should be able to use a Google gmail.com address! Gmail is currently the most reliable of the free email addresses. If you need a referral for gmail, let me know, I'll gladly generate one for you! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." And Pat pleads, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 1, 2006 - Los Angeles - AP George Johnson, considered California's oldest living person at 112 and the state's last surviving World War I veteran, had experts shaking their heads over his junk food diet. "He had terrible bad habits. He had a diet largely of sausages and waffles," Dr. L. Stephen Coles, founder of the Gerontology Research Group at the University of California, Los Angeles, said Friday. The 5-foot-7, 140-pound Johnson died of pneumonia Wednesday at his Richmond home in Northern California. "A lot of people think or imagine that your good habits and bad habits contribute to your longevity," Coles said. "But we often find it is in the genes rather than lifestyle." He remained in good health and continued driving until he was 102, when his vision began to fail. Johnson, who was blind and living alone until his 110th birthday when a caregiver began helping him, built the Richmond house by hand in 1935. He got around using a walker in recent years. Johnson's wife died in 1992 at the age of 92. The couple had no children. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Dress Shoes The easiest solution to a fixing a squeaky shoe is to sprinkle some baby powder in the heel, under the insole if possible. If that doesn't work, it could be the nails that hold the shoe together are producing the squeak. You can fix that by carefully hammering the shoe on the sole. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Manure," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar on ours." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Wednesday, Sept. 6 at 12:45 p.m. Baltimore, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Staff Sgt. Dwayne E. Williams at March Funeral Home, 4300 Wabash Ave., Baltimore, Maryland Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Thursday, Sept. 7 at 10:15 a.m. Whittier, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David J. Almazan at Sky Rose Chapel, 3888 Workman Mill Road, Whittier, California Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== From Cindy: Hi Webby, I so look forward to receiving your humor letter every day. It's by far the best on the web....as proven by all the votes you get. I've saved so many of the tips you've given. Today someone messed with my computer and changed the size of the fonts. I looked everywhere on the computer for a place to fix it. I couldn't find it anywhere. I looked in the tips I'd saved from you, since I knew you'd mentioned it more than once......but it seems I didn't save that tip. So I went to your letter to find out how to contact you to ask you a question I know you must have answered way too many times... ......and here is the answer right at the beginning of the letter. Wow! what a help you are! Thanks from all of us who have a smoother life because of you!!! Your fan forever, Cindy ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Machu Picchu http://snipurl.com/vzpz ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 5/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 5, 2006
======================================

Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing.
-- Friedrich Schiller

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:

Dear Diary......

DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've
packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really
excited.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we
saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation
this has started to be. I  met the Captain today and he
seems like a very nice man.
__________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain
invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won about $80.
The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state
room. We had a luxurious  meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I
decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the
day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to
visit him for the night and again I  declined.
He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he
would sink the ship. I was  appalled.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today...... Twice.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== From Goldie: The preacher came over the other day. He said that, at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him that I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Westboro perverts Chickenin out more and more July 13, 2006 - FLINT, Mich. -- EWS Channel A Michigan township plans to bill a Kansas church for security costs at a recent military funeral service after the protesters didn't show. According to police in Mundy Township, members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., had asked for special police protection for their planned protest of a Marine's funeral. The group claims that military deaths are God's retribution for the country's failure to condemn homosexuality. They have protested at a number of military funerals across the country and have been met by counter demonstrations. Police were ready for a possible confrontation on July 1 at the memorial service for Lance Cpl. Brandon Webb, but the protesters never showed. Even so, the township said it would bill them $5,000 for the extra police presence the group requested. Police Chief David Guigear told the Flint Journal that the group's failure to show broke a verbal contract with the township for security services and they never called to say they weren't coming. Westboro attorney Shirley Phelps-Roper told the newspaper that group members bought airline tickets, but they were told by the Holy Ghost at the last minute to stay home. ------------ Yeah, right. Did the Holy Ghost tell them that no hotel in Flint would rent them a room, and that the violent crime rate in Flint is five times higher than the national average, and the murder rate is six times higher? And that the people in Flint, Michigan would not put up with their crap? ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Unc Wes Re: Brick Putting your puter on a brick or some sort of wooden block will lessen the amount of dust that can accumulate around the base. Usually just a couple of inches makes a big difference. Unk Wes Dear Unk Wes Yes, that will help a bit with the bigger dust bunnies. However, it does not get you out of opening the side lid and vacuuming the inside and cleaning the heat sinks. Keep in mind that you have two or more powerful fans sucking unfiltered room air into the computer, getting the impurities deposited inside, and blowing clean hot air out the back. Yes, I know it's a stupid way to do it, and I have never hesitated to say so. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 4, 2006 - MONTROSE, Colorado - The Denver Channel More than 100 volunteers stood between the site of a memorial service Sunday for a soldier killed in Afghanistan and picketers from Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas. Army Cpl. Christopher Sitton, 21, was among three Fort Drum, N.Y., soldiers killed Aug. 19 after an explosive went off near their vehicle. He was a medic. Sitton grew up in Quinlan, Texas, before the family moved to Montrose while he was in high school. He was part of the Montrose High School track team and enjoyed the outdoors, his family said. Across the street from Sitton's memorial service at the high school, eight people, including two children, from Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, picketed as about 20 police officers monitored the scene. "These people hold patriotic pep rallies for these dead soldiers and this is the time to tell them, one, don't worship the dead. And, two, don't worship the flag," said Sara Phelps, 25, the granddaughter of church founder Fred Phelps. The church group, which has protested military funerals around the country, contends God allows war deaths as punishment for the country's tolerance of homosexuals. Police Chief Tom Chinn said the protesters complied with a new Colorado law imposing a 100-foot barrier between protesters and funerals. Motorcyclists with the Patriot Guard Riders were among volunteers outside the service. Group member Wayne "Grumpy" Hemmert said members from four states were there. He refused to acknowledge the church group. "We're here to show honor and respect to the Sitton family for the loss of their son defending our nation, giving us the freedom to ride free and show respect," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Door You can easily fix a squeak door by spraying the hinges with WD40. A little Vaseline or even cooking spray will also do the trick. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com If it is your own house, then you might want to use a dry moly lubricant spray. It dries to a slick, waxy surface that does not attract dust and grit. It is perfectly clear and the only way you can tell it's presence, is that areas where you over-sprayed beside the hinge, feel slippery to the touch. But they are dry and none of the waxy coating comes off and onto your fingers. It also works very well in locks. You won't be hit with a cleaning charge if a locksmith has to work on it to re-key it, as you would, when you used graphite or WD40. DearWebby Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== There was a little old lady from a small town in Arkansas who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== An eighty-three year old woman finished her annual physical examination, whereupon her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute; I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said, "Bubba, do we still have intercourse?" Bubba answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. We have Blue Cross!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Tropical Rain Forest http://library.thinkquest.org/17456/tropicalall.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 4/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 4, 2006
======================================

Happy Labor Day!

All you have shall some day be given;
therefore give now,
that the season of giving may be yours
and not your inheritors.

-- Kahlil Gibran

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of
the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen,
it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the
grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy
decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice
President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. GOING POSTAL Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. IRRITAINMENT Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Gary Condit, Monica Lewinsky, etc. DEINSTALLED Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned" YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini- sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." HEADACHED Temp widower. Spouse is not in the mood. Used as in: "I got lots of time to work on that project tonight, I got headached." CLM Career Limiting Mistake. Self explanatory. OHNO-SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UMFRIEND A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sherry, my ... um ...friend." CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Maria Ilieva, 17 from Sofia, Bulgaria Home alone, and back again, for sleeping beauty SOFIA (Reuters) - A sleeping teen-ager flew home to Bulgaria and then back to Malta after aircrew apparently failed to notice she was still on the plane. Maria Ilieva, 17, was traveling alone and fell asleep on an Air Malta plane taking her overnight from Valletta to Sofia. Unfortunately she had returned to Malta by the time she woke up, the girl's family said Friday. "Air Malta officials said the airplane was not a place for sleeping. But I have not seen any signs saying 'No sleeping', I have only seen signs saying 'No smoking'," the girl's mother, Nadezhda Vulova, told Reuters. Maria was finally reunited with her family Thursday, almost four days after her sleepover. She had to pay 200 euros ($256) for the second flight home. The family said they had filed a complaint against the airline and asked for a refund. Air Malta was not immediately available for comment. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trish for this picture: =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re: Heat Sink Ok, Webby, I know how stupid this question is, but what is a 'heat sink'? Dust bunnies, even 'I' know them! But have never heard of a heat sink.... And by the way, thanks for all your helpful information and the laughs too... Judy Dear Judy The cooling fins attached to hot components are called "heat sinks". It's an old term going back to the steam engine era, and is probably a rough translation. However, ever since then, ribbed or finned metal with a large surface area to get rid of excess and unwanted heat, has been called "heat sinks". In your computer you will see a big one on top of your CPU chip, often hidden under a fan or fan shroud. The fins of that heat sink tend to snag dustbunnies, and need to be cleaned once or twice a year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Safe McFlurry's for the McFurry's :-) September 3, 2006 - London - AP Fast food just became hedgehog-friendly. McDonald's Corp. said Friday it had redesigned the cups for its McFlurry dessert so that they no longer posed a danger to the spiky woodland creatures. The British Hedgehog Preservation Society has campaigned for years against the containers, saying hedgehogs had died while trying to eat leftover ice cream from discarded cups. Campaigners said the opening in the lid was large enough for hedgehogs to stick their heads in, but not to get them out again, and that animals not rescued by passers-by had died of starvation. McDonald's U.K. said that after "significant research and testing," it designed a McFlurry cup with a smaller opening. McDonald's began deliveries of the new lids to restaurants in Britain last week. "The smaller aperture of the lid has been designed to prevent hedgehogs from entering the McFlurry container in the unfortunate incidence that a lid is littered and is then accessible to wildlife," the company said in a statement. Fay Vass, chief executive of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, said the change was "excellent, if long overdue news." She said the new cups meant "many hedgehog lives will be saved." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Casseroles Line a baking dish with heavy-duty aluminum foil, fill with food and freeze it until firm. Remove the foil package, now in the shape of your baking dish, to free up your dish for other purposes until you're ready to reheat your casserole Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like Labor Day, you think they would have more beer in the house." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Mississipi Squirrel http://snipurl.com/vw0z http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 3/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 3, 2006
======================================

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't
learn something from him.
-- Galileo Galilei

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often,
as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he
read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek and his.

Finally she spoke. "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh", she said, then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a
little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed,

"God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in
Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Stephan Kishore in New York

Fake Cop

August 31, 2006 - New York - AP

Police arrested a college student Wednesday near New York's
John F. Kennedy International Airport and charged him with
impersonating a federal agent.

Stephan Kishore's minivan was pulled over after an officer
noticed a large police decal on a rear door of the van, as
well as red and blue strobe lights on the dashboard,
prosecutors said.

Authorities said Kishore showed the officer a Homeland
Security badge and said he was on duty. But the real cop
said he noticed the back of the badge was imprinted with
the words
"CopShop.com Collectible Badge. Not For Official Use."

Kishore, who is being held on $50,000 bail, could get seven
years in prison if convicted.

===========================================

Thanks to Bonnie for sending this picture:


Taku Glacier Lodge, Juneau, AK

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Allan
Re: Location for computer

Dear Webby,
What is a better location for my computer, in a snug cubbyhole
on my desk, or on the floor below the desk?
Allan

Dear Allan
On the floor, without any doubt whatsoever.
You have to be able to get at the cables on the back. That
alone rules out a snug cubbyhole. However, the most
important reason is cooling. There is nothing that kills
a computer faster than inadequate cooling. It needs
unresticted air flow that it can draw through the computer
ONCE. Not re-use the heated air for that.

Just put it on the floor and once or twice a year vacuum
out the dust bunnies and clean the heat sinks.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

At the retreat, Sam and Anni were told to
individually write a sentence using
the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Anni wrote: 'When two mature people
are passionately and deeply in love with
one another to a high degree and that
they respect each other very much, just
like Sam and I, it is spiritually and
morally acceptable for them to engage
in the act physical sex with one another.'


And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'

==========================================

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    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
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==========================================

Jack had gone to propose to his girlfriend and
returned home crying bitterly. "What happened,
son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her
response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jack. "When I
told her what you advised me to say, she
slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you
to say, what I told your mother when she
accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I get it all wrong," Jack groaned.
"I said, 'My Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock'!"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 31, 2006 - Hutchinson, Kansas - IBS

Two weeks ago, one of bartender Cindy Kienow's regular
customers left her a $100 tip on a tab that wasn't even
half that.

This week, he added a couple of zeros.

Kienow, a bartender at Applebee's, got a $10,000 tip from
the man -- for a $26 meal -- on Sunday.

"I didn't know what to say," Kienow told The Hutchinson
News. "He said, 'This will buy you something kind of nice,
huh,' and I said, 'Yeah, it will.'"

Kienow has worked at Applebee's for eight years.

She told the newspaper that the man is a regular customer
who comes in a couple of times each month.

"He usually signs his ticket and flips it upside down,"
Kienow told the paper. "But this time, he had it right side
up and said, 'I want you to know this is not a joke.'"

Kienow said the customer has always tipped well, but she
doesn't know what prompted the huge tip.

She told the newspaper that she hasn't decided how to
spend the money, but she said she has her eye on a Jeep.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dog Hair on Furniture
Put on a rubber glove and wipe it over furniture to easily
remove pesky pet hair. A damp sponge will also work well.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one
look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home...."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.



Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at
Calvary Evangelical Church,
498 White Plains Rd.,
Trumbull, Connecticut.

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho

Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m.  Alpena, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at
First Baptist Church,
1261 W. Washington Ave.,
Alpena, Michigan


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at
night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too."

========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link:
Freaking out the speed freaks
http://i.funnieststuff.net/s/skeletonpr ... nprank.wmv

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 132 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 64 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 2, 2006
======================================

It's good to have money and the things that money can buy,
but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make
sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.
-- George Horace Lorimer

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her  rounds  visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas.  As luck would have it, a gas station   was just
a block away.

 She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas.  The attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was
returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and  walked back to her car.  She looked for
something in her car that she could fill  with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to
do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake
mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing
and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had
dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community
of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church
and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and
gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the
bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that
cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the
attractive perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
Mom.

Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would
know, what would they think?

Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.

All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing
their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not
to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy
luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend
and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was
a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding
families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she
could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust
old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was
presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the
cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her
hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when
she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member)
say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Pepsi and University of Florida

20,000 Shirts goofed up

August 31, 2006 - Gainesville, Florida - AP

Thousands of Gator T-shirts are going back in the box because
of a mix up. Roman numerals meant to denote the year "2006"
on the University of Florida shirts actually translate into "26."

Pepsi paid for the shirts. It has an exclusive contract with
the school.

According to UF's athletic association, neither Pepsi nor
the school discovered the error before distribution. But
those handing out the free shirts and the students who got
them noticed.

Over 20,000 shirts were printed, and those that have not
been distributed to students will be returned to Pepsi.

A Pepsi spokeswoman said it's not clear what they will do
with the shirts that are returned, but that they apologize for
the error. Pepsi will pay for another set of shirts to be
distributed in late September before the Alabama game.

This isn't a first for the University Athletic Association.
In 2003, it published media guides that featured a crocodile
on the front cover instead of an alligator -- the school's mascot.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:


Wrangel Island

===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Glenis
Re: Rule 240

Dear Webby,
You travel a lot. What is "Rule 240" really about, and how
does it apply under the current security restrictions?
Glenis

Dear Glenis
I bet you saw somebody march up to a ticket counter, and
was instantly given wads of hotel vouchers and tickets.

"Rule 240" used to be the federal compensation schedule for
passengers inconvenienced by delays due to air line mess-ups.
Nowadays each airline has their own "Rule 240" filed with
the DOT.

The "Rule 240" filings are usually quite straight forward.
IF you were at the gate on time, and IF there was no
force majeure" events: weather, strikes, "acts of God," or
other occurrences that the airlines say they cannot control,
and you miss a connection because they were late,
they promise to put you up in a decent hotel, give you
alternate tickets and meal vouchers.

Where the fun comes in is that 99% of the airport counter
staff have at one time or another heard about "Rule 240",
but have no clue where they can find the copy that is
supposed to be at each counter. So they usually fall all
over themselves to err on the safe side, rather than get in
trouble.

You can get the "Rule 240" filings at
http://www.mytravelrights.com/travellaw.cfm?ai=3

If the take-off is delayed because of security problems,
then the air line is theoretically off the hook, but very
few counter staffers know enough about "Rule 240"
to intelligently dispute the points, and rather give you
vouchers.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry
home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he
wants to buy Mom...!"

==========================================

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    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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==========================================

Two psychiatrists were at a convention.  As
they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What
was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived
in a pure fantasy world.  He believed that an
uncle in South America was going to die and
leave him a fortune.  All day long he waited
for a letter to arrive from an attorney.  He
never went out, he never did anything, he merely
sat around and waited for this fantasy letter
from this fantasy uncle.  I worked with this man
eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle.  Every day for
eight years, but I finally cured him.  And then
that stupid letter arrived...!"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 30, 2006 - Jacksonville, Florida - AP

A Jacksonville postal worker delivers more than just letters
to residents. The woman also delivers prayers.

Synetta Drayton Haggary was delivering the mail in July
when she heard a woman crying and praying for help. Haggary
stopped to pray with the woman, though she didn't know what
she was praying for. When they finished, the woman pulled
out the handgun she wanted to use for suicide and handed
it to Haggary.

Haggary called police and handed them the gun. Now 51 year
old Haggary checks on the woman almost everyday. She says
she's just trying to spread good cheer in such a negative world.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Saving For Christmas
Even though Christmas time comes around every year, it's
not uncommon for people to be caught off guard by Christmas
expenses and end up a bloated credit cards heading into
the new year. Start saving now and you can limit the stress
that Christmas puts on your financial well being. When it
comes time to buy present and throw parties, stay within
your budget and give your credit cards a break.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the
middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before
we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about?
We're both here."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at
Calvary Evangelical Church,
498 White Plains Rd.,
Trumbull, Connecticut.

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door
handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in
and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian
after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the
narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down,
he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch
or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us
both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

========================================

Thanks to Ellen for this Bonus Link:
Make it!
http://makezine.com/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby




To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. 

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or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can
correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from
then on. 

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To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY.
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The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use
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MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer.

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[ view entry ] ( 199 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 54 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 1/06 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 1, 2006
======================================

Skepticism, like chastity,
should not be relinquished too readily.
-- George Santayana

Great people talk about ideas,
average people talk about things,
and small people talk about wine.
-- Fran Lebowitz

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Dave for this story:
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife,
"Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   us.army.mil  for considering the Humor Letter
          as too naughty for the Infantry
                    Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Max was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a
top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the
teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $50!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!"
Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the
hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl
went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw
for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you never send a woman to a hardware store.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Pat Carr in Rochester, Minnesota

Fake praise

August 30, 2006 - Rochester, Minnesota - AP
A City Council member and mayoral candidate admitted he
has anonymously praised himself in comments posted on a
newspaper's Web site.

The Post-Bulletin newsroom doesn't regularly check identities
of online users, but a reporter noticed similarities in the
way a user named "127179" writes and Pat Carr talks.

Some of the dozens of messages posted by "127179" since
November found notes of praise for Carr, while some attacked
officials who voted differently from him.

For example, in a comment posted Sunday that answered a
critical comment from another reader, Carr wrote:
"Pat Carr has done nothing but stand up for the silent majority."
A comment posted Friday said: "People that run him down are
special interest groups and insiders that Carr exposes."

Carr acknowledged Monday that he wrote all past comments
except one, which he said was written by a friend visiting
his office.

"If people want to trash me, I have the right to stand up
and defend myself," he said. "I stand by what I said."

Managing Editor Jay Furst sent messages to Carr in April
and July, warning him that if he continued to post
self-congratulatory or misleading comments, the newspaper
might choose to report on it.

He kept it up, and they did.

===========================================

Thanks to Carol for sending this picture:


Bubba is faster than his bike, sometimes.

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Allan
Re: SMTP filtering

Dear Webby,
My ISP, Telus, is dumping too much of my outgoing mail with
their mis-configured SMTP filters. How do I get around that?
Writing to their support is useless, they apparently filter
and dump their own responses too.
Thanks
Allan

Dear Allan
Telus DSL is OK for areas where you can't get cable, but
I agree that their mail is definitely not reliable enough
for business purposes. Luckily it's easy enough to get
around them, or any ISP, by using a remote SMTP server.
A very popular and easy to use remote SMTP is at
Softstack
It's easy to set up and it's free.

If you want something fancier with more options, there is
PostCastServer
for $49.

A fringe benefit of using a remote SMTP is that you never
have to change it when you travel. Considering that only
very few hotels nowadays allow you to use their SMTP, you
are never stuck when you use a remote one like Postcast.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that
he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said
"Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes
my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice,
"That's what they said the last time too...."

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

A lady picked  up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the  checker,
she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and  boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,  TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the  word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice  boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR
THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 28, 2006 - Yulee, Fla. - AP

A kindergarten teacher saved her 5-year-old student by
performing the Heimlich maneuver.

Biscayne Elementary School teacher Jenifer Cochran said
she noticed her student suddenly run to the bathroom with a
bright red face. Craig Baker had swallowed a quarter and it
was trapped in his windpipe.

The teacher tried to get Baker to cough up the quarter, but
soon the boy grew weak and couldn't make any sounds.

She said it took five Heimlich thrusts to force the quarter
out of his windpipe. After the quarter was free, the child
cried with fear and pain from the damage it had done to
his windpipe.

Cochran said she hopes the incident will be a wake-up
call to schools everywhere that teachers need emergency
first-aid training.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning Hardwood Floors
Daily cleaning of hardwood floors can be a challenge,
especially if you have pets. The best tool I have found for
daily maintenance of my hardwood floors is a good vacuum
cleaner. Mine has a low setting made for flat floors and it
works well for pet hair, dust and paw prints. Make sure
you let muddy paw prints dry before trying to vacuum.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
An old-fashioned swivel-head dust mop, either cotton
or microfiber, works very well and fast on sealed hardwood
floors. The only places, that really need slow and noisy
vacuuming, are door sills and where hardwood floors border
carpeted areas.
DerWebby

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific
island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into
view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's
attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor
gets out and greets the stranded man.

After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts
you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 4 men and 8 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there
would be women on the jury. Since I can't ever get anything
past my wife, I'll never be able to convince 8 women jurors...."

========================================

Thanks to Trish for this Bonus Link:
San Pedro Prison
http://snipurl.com/vrrv

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 936 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 1534 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 31/06 

Good Morning !
Thursday,  Aug 31, 2006
======================================

There is only one way to bring up a child in the way he
should go and that is to travel that way yourself.
-- Abraham Lincoln

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected
thoughts; they come back to us with a certain
alienated majesty.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A two-year-old daughter was with her mother while her older
sister was being examined by a dentist.  The two-year-old
kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until
she noticed that her mom was resting, with her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, the child toddled up
to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up!  This is not church!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence

===========================================

Thanks to Lisa for this story:

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio
help callers with their home problems. One woman called up
hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement
to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get
rid of it."

An hour later the woman called back, even more upset.
"Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
(sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Cell phone makers

Phones are security risks

August 30, 2006 - Washington - AP

The Associated Press has uncovered a piece of information
that could save you a lot of embarrassment or worse.

It turns out that when you upgrade to a new cell phone and
get rid of your old one, those old text messages may go
with it.

"Resetting" the phone to clear the slate can be a lot more
difficult than owners think, meaning the new owner can get
a look at a lot of sensitive information. Used phones checked
by the Virginia security company, Trust Digital, contained
information ranging from sensitive corporate negotiations
to a married man's chit-chat with his girlfriend to bank
account numbers and passwords.

Most manufacturers offer instructions on how to completely
erase cell-phone data, but in one case it involves pushing
so many buttons simultaneously, that it's a two-person job.
One security expert said the best thing to do may be to
heave the old phone under a truck.

-----------------------------------

That reminds me,....
Phone disposal takes new tone
ANYONE wanting to throw away their mobile phone can do it
in style at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship
in Finland.

Originally a local event in this small town close to the
Russian border, the seventh annual contest drew some
100 throwers from as far afield as Canada, Russia and
Belgium.

Founder Christine Lund describes the event as light
exercise with an environmentally friendly twist.
http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1274312006

===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for sending this picture:


Falls in Honesdale, PA

===========================================


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    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Angie
Re: FTP

Dear Webby,
I have always used browser FTP to up and download files,
but with my new web host I can't do that any more. I was
told to get a proper, grown-up FTP program. Snobs!
I looked around and there are hundreds of them availale.
Which one would you recommend, preferably one that is
not too expensive?
Angie

Dear Angie
Second best is BulletProof. I have used it for many years
and bought a lifetime license for it about 8 years ago.

Best is Filezilla. I am slowly migrating the log-on data for
the hundreds of our clients from BulletProof over to
Filezilla. That's a lot of work, but worth it. FileZilla is
that much better. And it's free!

So that you don't have to battle all the detours on FileHippo
or similar download sites, I put it into my toolbox at
http://webby.com/tools

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows
who had been rivals all their lives followed different career
paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the
other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.
The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly,
"Oh Porter, from what gate is the flight to Dallas leaving?"
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said
"Gate 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers
were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!
My wife will think I've been in a house of ill repute!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a
house of ill repute smells like."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 27, 2006 - Lancaster, Texas - AP

More than 500 students in Lancaster, Texas, had their
summer vacations extended after failing to complete their
summer reading assignment — only they weren't exactly on
vacation: The school suspended them until they completed
their assigned reading.

The "get tough" policy is Lancaster Independent School
District's latest effort to improve reading scores and
overall performance in a suburban school that is described
by many as "struggling and underachieving."

"Our kids canno
t afford to have summer or winter breaks
off," says Larry Lewis, school district superintendent.
"Sixty to 75 percent of our students are reading two to
five years below their grade level."

This is the second straight year the Lancaster School
District has put in place such a policy.

Last year 1,100 students were sent home for failing to
complete the summer reading project.

"A lot of parents were shocked by the suspensions then,"
says Lewis. "But this year the whole city was involved,
and most people were supportive."

Parents got caught up in the reading project, and reminders
to complete the reading assignments were everywhere —
on restaurant menus and on street signs announcing
"Summer Reading Due the First Day of School."

Lewis says many of the students that didn't do the
assignment on time acted out intentionally against
the policy.

"Some of the kids formed pacts that they weren't going to
do the work," he says. "But compared to last year, there
was a big improvement."

Of the 519 students suspended, all but 93 returned to
school the following day having completed their work.

This is just one of the challenges Lewis and other
Lancaster school officials face as the No Child Left
Behind edict increases the pressure on schools across
the country to get reading scores up or lose federal funding.

While the punishment may seem tough to some people, reading
scores have gone up and students are more motivated and
opting to take more rigorous courses, according to Lewis.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
College Kids and Credit Cards 
Credit card companies fall over themselves to offer credit
to new college students. If you have a child heading off to
college, be sure to warn them about this because they
can quickly amass high interest credit card debt that could
haunt them, and you, for years to come.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Thanks to Irma for this story:
One day, while driving with my 5 year old daughter
Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and
looked at me as if she was demanding an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident..."

She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't yell
'@#$%&!' after beeping!"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Thursday, August 31 at 12:15 p.m.  Chillicothe, Ohio
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Master Sgt. Brad A. Clemmons  at
Haller Funeral Home,
1661 Western Ave.,
Chillicothe, Ohio

Thursday, August 31 at 10:45 a.m.  Rockville, Maryland.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Thomas J. Barbieri at
St. Mary's Catholic Church,
520 Veirs Mill Rd.,
Rockville, Maryland.

Thursday, Aug. 31  at 8:15 a.m. Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. James D. Hirlston at
Murfreesboro Funeral Home,
145 Innsbrooke Blvd.,
Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed
a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the
couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their
destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to
get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver
noticed a fork in the road,
and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom,
"this one's all mine...."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
TerraWind
http://www.terrawind.com/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





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