Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 16/06 


Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

"Only those who dare to fail greatly
can ever achieve greatly."
-- Robert F. Kennedy

What this country needs is more free speech
worth listening to.
-- Hansell B. Duckett

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can,
and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money
to pay for our kids' therapy.
-- Michelle Pfeiffer

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.
If you are at all interested in marketing, you need to know
about the changes at Google.

============================================

Thanks to Dave for this story:
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should
switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she
said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested
that she keep their regular container and refill it with
skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter
asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been
found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration
date, this milk expired two years ago!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mifter", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probally right mifter, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" ===========================================
Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter
=========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Petros Onen, 49, in Athens, Greece Bank ninja September 13, 2006 - Athens, Greece - Reuters A Greek bank robber armed with ninja throwing stars finally ran out of moves Tuesday when police arrested him after an Athens bank robbery. Petros Onen, 49, had held up 11 small suburban bank branches making away with 50,000 euros ($63,590) in recent months, threatening to throw his razor-sharp, palm-size stars -- made famous by the Japanese ninja warriors -- at cashiers, police said. His luck ran out when undercover policemen at the last bank he robbed followed him home and arrested him with his loot, his throwing stars, a fake gun and a list of other bank branches. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Martin for this picture: So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind: Is it the right time? Is anyone watching? Does your partner even want to? Is your breath fresh? And... Should you use some tongue? Then you lean in and just go for it!!! =========================================== An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen. A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occasion. "Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should unfreeze it." "Can't," replied the rider. So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: XP Home or PRO Hi Mr Webby; Tell me what's better..... "Windows XP Pro! or Windows XP Home?" and why? Fast Eddie Dear Eddie For you, XP home is better. It's half the price and you'll never know the difference. If it was for a machine that was used to administer a network of more than 10 machines, THEN pay the higher price to get the PRO. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology course. The first day, the professor commented on each student's major, trying to provoke a response. It was working - some students were becoming defensive. When it was my turn, I told him I was a music major. "So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of you wasting your education to study music." "He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 13, 2006 - Lebanon, N.H. - AP Two men are donating kidneys to each other's wives in a four-way surgical swap Wednesday at a hospital in New Hampshire. One of the women will receive a kidney from a stranger who has compatible blood and tissue types. Meanwhile, her husband has turned out to be a compatible donor for the other man's wife. The couples do not know each other. The surgery will be the second kidney transplant for one woman, who hopes it will allow her to live without regular dialysis. The surgeon who'll perform the operation said organs from living donors always work better than those harvested from someone who has just died. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Apple and Dell Laptop Battery Recalls Apple and Dell have had to recalled a large number of potentially unsafe laptop batteries. If your laptop was purchased within the last couple of years you may be entitled to a new battery for your laptop. Dell Battery Exchange Website: https://www.dellbatteryprogram.com/ Apple Battery Exchange Website: https://support.apple.com/ibook_powerbook/batteryexchange/ Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents." "Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat. "That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents." "Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area." "Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?" "Southern Methodist." "Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. "The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." ======================================== From Merri Lynn Dear Webby, Could you suggest a site to use to find my husband? I want a divorce, but he has eluded me for the past 18 years, just when I know where he is and get a phone # for him, he up and moves. I know I can get a divorce without knowing where he is but the fact is I have already paid for an online service. This was when he was being agreeable and I thought he was going to stay in one place for awhile-foolish me!!!!! Anyway you have so many wonderful helpful sites to refer to I thought maybe you had a good search engine for this problem. I have his SSN and date of birth. Any help would be great-thanks so much, your cyber friend, Merri Lynn Dear Merri Lynn I have never tried contacting an ex, and have absolutely no clue in that area. However, quite possibly one of the subscribers can steer you in the right direction. Have FUN! DearWebby ======================================== Thanks to Deeli for this Bonus Link: Watch the movie on that page! Fish Story http://wcbstv.com/watercooler/local_sto ... 64827.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 15, 2006
======================================

If you ever get a second chance in life for something,
you've got to go all the way.
-- Lance Armstrong

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


Very interesting FREE report.
There is no catch or obligation.

============================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts
were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very
proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done
about this or they would
have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they
would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green
persimmons though because they are so sour they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She
agreed
to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a
thermon tewday

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to kati for this story: Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day, "you know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush", his boss quickly retorts. "Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington" and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up. " Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The new Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing just fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and then the Japanese tourist standing next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nicole Delameter. 26, of New Port Richey, FL Dumb place to park! September 13, 2006 - New Port Richey, Florida - AP Nicole Delameter has learned to be more judicious when selecting a parking spot. When Circuit Judge Stanley Mills arrived for work Monday, Delameter's 1990 Oldsmobile was parked in his reserved space at the courthouse. So he parked his 2005 Cadillac behind her car and forced her to sit in his courtroom until he was ready to leave. Delameter, 26, swears she thought the "reserved" sign meant it was reserved for those going to court. She had to sit in the judge's courtroom for more than three hours -- and she had come only to give her sister a ride to a boyfriend's court hearing. "I'm very, very sorry," she told the St. Petersburg Times. "I'll never do it again in a million, million years." Mills said it was the second time in as many weeks that he found someone parked in his space. "There's two perks to the job," the judge said. "I have my own bathroom, and I have my own parking spot, and you're not going to get to use either." ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trevor for this picture: =========================================== Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sitting in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Gary Re: Embed pictures Dear Webby, How do I put a pix on my e-mails that if you click on them they will remain small thumbnails, please help and thank you in advance...you have helped me so much in the past. Gary Mancini Dear Gary I don't really kow how that is done with hotmail. With most email programs you just copy a picture in a graphics program, jump to the mail program and put the cursor where you want the picture, and hit CTRL V to paste it. If you want to have the picture in every email, make a signature block and put the picture into that. With both of those methods, the pictures will remain in the size that you paste them. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. "What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said. "It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 10, 2006 - Alexandria, Va. - MSNBC The owner of one of the nation's largest Internet software piracy Web sites has been sentenced to more than seven years in prison. Nathan Peterson, 27, of Los Angeles, sold products copyrighted by companies such as Microsoft Corp. and Adobe Systems Inc. at a huge discount on his site, iBackups.net, prosecutors said. The site began operating in 2003 and was shut down by the FBI in February 2005. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Restaurant Nutrition Information If you are watching your weight but still like to eat out, be sure to check out the nutrition information online before going to restaurant. All major restaurant chains and fast food restaurant post their nutrition information on their corporate website. Just type the name of restaurant and "nutrition information" into your favorite search engine and you should find the page you are looking for. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down towards the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you and one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobble to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for, me." The man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Hi Webby, Just a note to know how much I enjoy the heck out of your website! Thank you....\ Karen ------------------------- Hi Webby Just to let you know how much I enjoy receiving your E mails here in Bristol England Keep up the good work Zanteman ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Time http://www.time.gov/exhibits.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 14/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 14, 2006
======================================

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
-- Voltaire

Today, there are three kinds of people:
the have's,
the have-not's,
and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-have's.
-- Earl Wilson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for bringing back this classic:

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,
"S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gordon Syron, Sydney, Australia Enchanted by modern art September 11, 2006 - Sydney, Australia - AP An art collector who recently bought two paintings for $1.1 million might want to invest in a better way of getting his purchases home. Gordon Syron bought the two contemporary art works from a downtown Sydney gallery on Friday afternoon and put them on his car's roof rack. But he forgot to tie them down and was driving to his nearby home before he realized his mistake. Both paintings fell off. One painting was picked up from the street and handed to police Saturday and the second was returned Sunday after the finder saw a television news report about the loss Saturday night, he said. "A guy picked up the painting after it flew off my car and took it home without really looking at it. I think he liked the frame," Syron said of the second painting. "When I got a call today to tell me about the second painting, I just could not believe my luck," he added. The only damage was scratched frames, he said. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Dad was so surprised to see other hikers, that he took a picture of them. =========================================== "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are, as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allen Re: Precise picture positioning in WORD Dear Webby, How can I position a picture with word at the precise place where I want it, intead of where WORD wants to put it? Thanks Allen Dear Allen That's a secret, as far as Microsoft is concerned,but it can be done quite easily. Click on the picture to make it active. Then click on the little doggie icon for Text Wrap. Select TIGHT. The picture will probably scoot off to somewhere else, where it is not suppoded to be, often on the next page. Click on it a couple of times and then you can drag it to where it belongs. It will probably change it's width and hight in the process, but now you can squish it to the exact size you want, andyou can even rotate it. The TIGHT text wrap setting will make the text flow around it and match the contours. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== After Jane's son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Jane sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Jane heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 11, 2006 - NEW YORK - AP Margaret Johnson might have looked like an easy target in her wheelchair. When a man tried to grab a chain off her neck Friday, the 56-year-old pulled out her licensed .357 pistol and shot him, police said. "There's not much to it," she said in a brief interview. "Somebody tried to mug me, and I shot him." Johnson said she was in Harlem on her way to a shooting range when the man, identified by police as 45-year-old Deron Johnson, came up from behind and went for the chain. Deron Johnson was taken to Harlem Hospital with a single bullet wound in the elbow, police said. He faces a robbery charge, said Lt. John Grimpel, a police spokesman. Margaret Johnson, who lives in Harlem, has a permit for the weapon and does not face charges, Grimpel said. She was taken to the hospital with minor injuries and later released. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get the Most From Your Doctor's Visit Before visiting the doctor, make sure to write down any questions you have so that you don't forget to ask them. Doctors are usually in a hurry, so don't let them rush you and make sure all your questions are answered before he/she rushes off to the next patient. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Thanks to Fran for this story: Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same hand- some young man I married." "Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:15 a.m. Highland, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Hannah L. McKinney at Immanuel Baptist Church, 28355 Baseline St., Highland, California Friday, Sept. 15 at 1:15 p.m. Mesa, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jason L. Merrill at Kimball East Stake Center, 4640 East Holmes, Mesa, Arizona Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Sat., Sept. 16 at 9:15 a.m. Toms River, NJ Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pfc. Vincent M. Frassetto at St. Luke's Catholic Church, 1674 Old Freehold Rd., Toms River, NJ Sunday, Sept. 17 at 1:45 p.m. Jackson, Missouri Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremy R. Shank at First Baptist Church of Jackson, 212 S. High, Jackson, Missouri. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist. "So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor. "My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen." "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of stupid and useless advice did Cohen give you?" "He told me to come and see you...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: All About Canning http://www.pickyourown.org/allaboutcanning.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 13/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 13, 2006
======================================

Never explain--your friends do not need it and
your enemies will not believe you anyway.
-- Elbert Hubbard

Insanity in individuals is something rare -
but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members
were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep
in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and
can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a
story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three
days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so
tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid
my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened
by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd
ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just messed my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said,
"I don't blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back
then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Bob had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?" "I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Peter Sullivan, New York, and to Starbucks Another frivolous lawsuit September 9, 2006 - New York - AP Starbucks Corp. was sued for $114 million Friday over its recall last week of a coupon that entitled the holder to a free large iced drink being promoted by the Seattle coffee retailer. Peter Sullivan, the lawyer who sued on behalf of a 23 year old Starbucks regular who felt "betrayed" when her coupon was not honored, accused the company of fraud and said he will request class-action status to include the "thousands who were misled" by the offer. On Aug. 23, Starbucks e-mailed the coupon for the free grande drink to select employees with instructions for them to forward the coupon to friends and family. The offer was valid through Sept. 30. But, Sullivan said, Starbucks got jittery and refused to honor the coupon after the company saw how widely it had been distributed. "I believe they were surprised by how successful the promotion was," the lawyer said. "The excuse proffered by Starbucks, that they did not believe that an offer released over the Internet would be so widely distributed, is ridiculous," Sullivan said. "Clearly, Starbucks chose to initiate a viral marketing campaign to counteract their slumping sales." A spokeswoman for Starbucks said company officials had seen Sullivan's press release but not his court papers and would have no immediate comment. Sullivan said he saw lines of coupon-carrying caffeine customers outside Starbucks coffee shops in New York in response to the promotion, and when they could not redeem the coupons "they felt let down and angry." One of those people, Sullivan said, was his client, Kelly Coakley of Queens, who works as a paralegal and administrative assistant. The $114 million the lawsuit asks for approximates the average cost of one cup of Starbucks coffee a day for all of the people turned away for the 38 days the offer was valid, Sullivan said. "That's a very conservative figure," he said. He did not explain how they determined how many people had tried to redeem the coupon. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== =========================================== During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big goob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs." ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Karen Re: Power Converters Dear Webby, What kind of power converters do I need for my laptop, camera and travel printer for traveling to Europe? Karen Dear Karen, Most likely all you need is a short extension cord that has 3 outlets and with the plug cut off. When you get there, buy a cheap cord plug at any supermarket or electrical store, and put it at the cut end of your power cord. Almost all laptop and camera chargers are labeled 100V - 240V. They don't care. All you need to adapt is the plug at the end of your extension cord so that it fits into the quaint sockets, that they have over there. Most European countries use the same voltage, but differently shaped outlets, and some countries have more than one style. If you travel around much, you will soon accumulate a nice collection of plugs. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary." Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 9, 2006 - Davison, Mich. - AP A woman who spent 29 years as a teacher and counselor at the city high school has left $1.3 million to the school district. Edna Diehl left the money when she died at age 88 in July. The Davison Educational Foundation will hold the money in trust with the interest to be used to fund scholarships. The district expects the interest will generate about $60,000 a year, paying for two years' worth of college for five students every year, said Kevin Leffler, a school board member and foundation president. Diehl and her husband, Ben, who died in 1997, had no children, said former colleague Pat McGlashen. Diehl was known as a serious, sometimes even strict teacher at Davison High School. Past students said she cared deeply and wanted them to succeed in life. "She was pretty serious most of the time. But she could also be fun outside of school," Connie Olejniczak, her student during the mid-1960s, told The Flint Journal for a Saturday story. Diehl was known for her ability to raise money for student trips, colleagues said. "I remember her having to count money all the time," said Dick DeLoge, a retired teacher who worked with her for about five years. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Auto Cool Review Auto Cool is a solar powered fan that has been heavily marketed on TV throughout the summer. They advertise that it keep your car cool when it is parked in the hot sun. The problem is, it doesn't work. Many reviewers of this product actually state it makes your car hotter. Summer is winding down, but they are still selling this product and some people may be tempted buy it. It only costs $14.95, but it's money down the drain. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 1015 a.m. Shamokin Dam, Pennsylvania Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Justin W. Dreese at Brookside Ministries Church, 11 Stetler Ave., Shamokin Dam, Pennsylvania Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:15 a.m. Highland, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Hannah L. McKinney at Immanuel Baptist Church, 28355 Baseline St., Highland, California Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. Monday, Sept. 18 at 9:15 a.m. Omaha, NE. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Germaine L. Debro at Morningstar Baptist Church, 2019 Burdette St., Omaha, NE I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Our Air National guard unit conducted weapons-qualifying at the firing range. We had been issued our last rounds of ammo and were firing at the silhouettes, when a great gust of wind ripped the targets from their frames, and they fluttered away. Firing stopped as we looked to the range officials. "Keep shooting, Boys," a voice yelled. "We've got 'em on the run now." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Pioneer TV http://www.pioneertv.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 12/06 


Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 12, 2006
======================================

All things are difficult before they are easy.
-- Dr. Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.
-- Albert Einstein

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness;
there is also the success of others.
-- Jules Renard

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the
umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly
yelled, "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

A nearby fan finally yelled out, "Lady,
the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!"

She shouted back, "Hey, how would you know that?
That's my husband, not yours!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence



----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== New young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrased performing female exams and had unconsiously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrasement. The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny, madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Matthew Harvey, 35 of Guernsey, England Fake Oddyssey September 8, 2006 - UK - The Scotsman A diver who claimed he had a miraculous escape after being lost at sea for 58 hours appears to have been staying on dry land during the entire search, police said yesterday. Officers in Guernsey said Matthew Harvey was being investigated over suspicions that he boarded a ferry for mainland Britain shortly after being reported missing on a diving expedition on Saturday morning. He then returned to Guernsey on a ferry on Monday afternoon and got back into the water and waited to be rescued, officers believe. In the meantime, a huge search and rescue operation had been launched for the married 35-year-old in the Fermain Bay area. Lifeboats, Coastguards and hundreds of local residents joined the search, but it was called off at 4pm on Monday - and his parents told he was probably dead. But three hours later at 7pm he was plucked from the water by a passing yacht in the spot where he went diving. He was believed to have survived three days at sea without food or water. Chief Inspector Rory Hardy, of Guernsey Police, said: "We received information from a member of the public and a police force that Mr Harvey was seen in Britain over the weekend. "The allegation is that he left the island by ferry on Saturday lunchtime after going for a dive around 8:30 am and returned on Monday at about 5:30pm. "We are examining whether there are any possible charges to be faced." He added: "In summary, he was not missing at sea or on the coasts of Guernsey as suggested." In a statement on Wednesday, Mr Harvey claimed he was dragged out by a strong tide after being knocked unconscious when he was hit by a boat. He claimed he was left dazed and drifted around the east of the island towards Jersey and at one point was forced to clamber on to rocks. After he was "saved" he spent two days in hospital suffering exhaustion and his father Dan, 66, was seen on local TV tearfully hugging the couple who pulled him on to their yacht. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== This is a real North Pole sunset. =========================================== Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, usually going on well over an hour. One day she hung up after 45 minutes. "What is the matter today?", asked her husband. "Today you had less than an hour conversation on the phone." "I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.... ===========================================
Do you want to build a big newsletter/mailing list? Check out Listbuilder for free softare plus a potentially very profitable affiliate deal that you can join for free!
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carol Re: PDF Dear Webby, I have an appointment with a new doctor. I went to his site to download his health questionnaire form to complete before I went to his office. It was in PDF format. I could only read the headings. Everything else was in crazy characters I had never seen. Is there something wrong with my computer? Am I missing some update to my Adobe Reader? You have been helpful to me more than you know. Thanks. Carol D. Dear Carol It opens fine for me and looks OK I tried it both with Foxit, my default PDF reader and with good old (and slow) Adobe Acrobat. If you want Foxit, you can download it at http://www.foxitsoftware.com/default.htm It's free. Most likely your Adobe has some conflict with AOL. Hopefully Foxit will sneak around that. Have FUN! DearWebby Dear Webby You are right, as usual, Webby. I tried downloading the file using Internet Explorer and it worked fine. I actually HATE AOL, but I have so many addys, favorites, saved files, etc. that I have stayed with it rather than have to build everything new. But, one of these days.... Thanks so much for your help. Carol ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light," After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Snowdonia, UK - Ananova A company in Snowdonia has won an award for making greetings cards and gifts out of sheep droppings. Creative Paper Wales won a £20,000 Millennium Award for its Sheep Poo Paper products, reports the BBC. They collect sheep droppings from the surrounding mountains, sterilise it in pressure cookers and recover the washed and undigested fibres. A sheep digests just 50% of what it eats. The recovered fibres are mixed to form paper and cardboard for the company's range of stationery and gift products. Even the washing water is not wasted - it is distributed to local growers as concentrated fertiliser. Founders Lawrence Toms, 38, from Rhondda and Lez Paylor, 38, from Caerphilly, said they had been keen to develop an idea which would be uniquely Welsh. The company's plant at Aberllefenni, near Machynlleth, will be able to produce one to two tonnes of paper a year. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Clothing Bargains September is a great month to find summer clothing on clearance. Keep an eye out for short sleeve shirts, shorts, swim-wear and sandals. You can get next year's summer clothing at clearance prices. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed." Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season. A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, Sept. 12 at 9:15 a.m. Las Vegas, New Mexico Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Shane P. Harris at Rogers Mortuary, 600 Reynolds, Las Vegas, New Mexico Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut Thursday., Sept. 14 at 10:15 a.m. Providence, Rhode Island Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Eric P. Valdepenas Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, 30 Fenner St., Providence, Rhode Island Thursday, Sept. 14 at 9:45 a.m. Gahanna, OH Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Pvt. Ryan E. Miller St. Matthew's Catholic Church, 807 Havens Corner Rd., Gahanna, OH Friday, Sept. 15 at 2 p.m. Enfield, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Philip A. Johnson Lutheran Church of Our Redeemer, 20 North St., Enfield, Connecticut. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== During the Second World War, when many young men were being trained for combat, they were stationed in the deep south, and it was the custom for some of the local residents to offer some Southern Hospitality to our fighting men. One day, in a camp that will remain nameless, the phone rang; a woman at a local woman's school offered to entertain a dozen soldiers at a party being held the upcoming weekend, and would the captain send some of her best behaved men over? The captain agreed, but before he could finalize the agreements, the woman made a request: "Please, suh, don't send any Jewish boys." The captain agreed ... no Jews. The day of the party, the soldiers were dropped off at the school, and knocked on the door. The hostess opened the door ... to the sight of a dozen Black soldiers, all in dress uniforms. "Why, th-there m-must be some kind of m-mistake," she stammered. "No, ma'am," said one of the soldiers, "Captain Rabinowitz, he don't make no mistakes." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Rob Perry Landscapes http://www.robperry.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 11/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 11, 2006
======================================

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
-- William G. McAdoo

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

From Sandie
Not a joke, but something to think about today:

Love him or loathe him, he nailed this one right on the head..........
By Rush Limbaugh:

I think the vast differences in compensation between victims
of the September 11 casualty and those who die serving our
country in Uniform are profound. No one is really talking
about it either, because you just don't criticize anything
having to do with September 11. Well, I can't let the numbers
pass by because it says something really disturbing about
the entitlement mentality of this country. If you lost a family
member in the September 11 attack, you're going to get
an average of $1,185,000. The range is a minimum guarantee
 $250,000, all the way up to $4.7 million.

If you are a surviving family member of an American soldier
killed in action, the first check you get is a $6,000 direct
death benefit, half of which is taxable.

Next, you get $1,750 for burial costs. If you are the
surviving spouse, you get $833 a month until you remarry.
And there's a payment of $211 per month for each child
under 18.

Keep in mind that some of the people who are getting an
average of $1.185 million up to $4.7 million are complaining
that it's not enough. Their deaths were tragic, but for most,
they were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Soldiers put themselves in harms way FOR ALL OF US,
and they and their families know the dangers.

You see where this is going, don't you? Folks, this is part
and parcel of over 50 years of entitlement politics in this
country. It's just really sad. Every time a pay raise comes
up for the military, they usually receive next to nothing of
a raise. Now the green machine is in combat in the Middle
Eastwhile their families have to survive on food stamps
and live in low-rent housing. Make sense?

However, our own U.S. Congress voted themselves a raise.
Many of you don't know that they only have to be in Congress
one time to receive a pension that is more than $15,000 per
month. And most are now equal to being millionaires plus.

If some of the military people stay in for 20 years and get out
as an E-7, they may receive a pension of $1,000 per month,
and the very people who placed them in harm's way receive
a pension of $15,000 per month.

I would like to see our elected officials pick up a weapon and
join ranks before they start cutting out benefits and lowering
pay for our sons and daughters who are now fighting.

Rush Limbaugh:

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninnie" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   us.army.mil for deciding the Humor Letter is too naughty for infantry
   Telus.net for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Docksey for this story: Cuckoo Clock Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married! The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos..... (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told Him Midnight". He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, hickupped, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then banged against the coffee table and farted. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gaetan Roy of St Mary, NH Opting Out September 6, 2006 - MANCHESTER, N.H. - AP Police said Gaetan Roy had just lost his job, so he came up with a plan: Rob a bank, hang around, then get taken to jail to be "supported." Roy has been charged with robbing a St. Mary's Bank. Police said he walked into the bank Friday and handed a note to the teller that said: "This is a robbery. Put all the cash into the plastic bag. No hassles, no problems." Roy left the bank with about $1,300. When officers arrived, they found Roy in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot next to the bank, drinking an iced coffee. Police said he had the note and cash stuffed in his pockets. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Caribbean Treasure =========================================== What My Mother Taught Me... TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean Underwear, in case you're in an accident." IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about." OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" CONTORTIONISM: "Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!" STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!" THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harold Re: Double Sided Printing Dear Webby I have a Brother MFC 420 multifunction printer. It's a great printer, but unfortunately prints on only one side. To print the back side, it's a tedious shuffle to get the papers in the right order so that the page numbering does not get out of sequence. Is there a trick to that? Harold Dear Harold The trick is to click on the ClickBook link in the left side menu, or to go to http://webby.com/clickbook and get Clickbook. It does all the shuffling for you. Whenever I buy an e-book or a lengthy report, I hit CTRL P to print, Select ClickBook as the printer, select "4 pages per sheet Booklet" from the 170 different formats that are available, and let it rip. When the printer stops shaking, I drop the entire printed stack, as is, into the paper feed tray. No turning, no flipping, just drop the whole stack. Then it prints the back sides. When the printer is finished with the back sides, I fold the stack in half and shoot some staples through the spine. That way, a 200 page e-book prints on 50 sheets of paper, all pages in perfect sequence and numbering. I have used it for years and it has never messed up a single print job. Whenever something to be printed is more than a single page, I use ClickBook. That little program cuts my paper and ink and printer replacement cost to 1/4 of what it would otherwise be. It's also perfect for reading while traveling. Instead of loose, full size sheets, you have your reading material in compact paperback book size, that is a lot less hassle on a plane. For MapQuest driving directions I select the 4 pages/sheet flip-down format like Ralley maps. That makes quite a difference in fast traffic in a strange city. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Sam and James were very good friends. One day Sam came over to James's house to visit, but when he entered the home, James wasn't there. James's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Sam, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the curtains? He's in a eally restless mood!" So Sam did his best trying to keep the baby from wrestling out of his arms. A few minutes later, James came in and said to Sam, "How ya doin, Sam?" Sam replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started.... ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Morris was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras. The clerk noticed he had been there for some time, so she walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance. Morris, somewhat confused answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 7, 2006 - Mobile, Alabama -AP Police have found a new use for macadamia nuts: undercover work. Officers used chopped macadamia nuts to resemble rocks of crack cocaine during a drug sting Friday and Saturday on a street corner near downtown that has been the subject of repeated complaints about illegal drug activity. "Our operation was two-sided to attack both the supply side and the demand side," Chief Phillip Garrett said. As part of the sting, police searched two houses on State Street and arrested six people on charges of distribution of a controlled substance. Police seized crack cocaine, prescription pain medication, and more than $4,000 in cash at one location, Johnson said. Police said the two-day crackdown resulted in a total of 21 arrests. The people caught buying fake crack were charged with a misdemeanor, attempting to possess a controlled substance. Hill said word of the arrests would ripple through the neighborhood and have an impact on drug dealing. "We want to make it as uncomfortable as possible for the buyers to buy and the sellers to sell," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Home and Garden Bargains September is a great month to get items for your home and garden at clearance prices. Keep an eye out for seeds, plants, planters, deck stain, outdoor grills and garden tools. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras at Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras at Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?" ======================================== Thanks to GreatGranny VI for this Bonus Link: Micro Art http://www.ezprezzo.com/crazypics/microscopic_art.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 10/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 10, 2006
======================================

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
when you looked at it in the right way,
did not become still more complicated.
-- Poul Anderson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask
a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave
him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Sorry!" responded the underclassman.
"I didn't realize you were pregnant."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for Senior Golf An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather in Hongkong Poor Customer Service September 7, 2006 - Hong Kong - The Scotsman A high profile Hong Kong banker yesterday won a court case against her salsa dance instructors, who were ordered to return her deposit paid out for lessons she never completed. Monica Wong, 61, the head of HSBC's private banking business in Asia, had agreed to pay HK$12 million to her dance teachers for eight years of unlimited private lessons and competitions to commence in 2004. After she paid over half the total as a deposit, the relationship with Mirko Saccani and his wife, Gaynor Fairweather, turned sour. Saccani admitted in court to calling Wong a "lazy cow" and telling her to "move her a**" during a packed dance session in 2004. Wong, who said she suffered an emotional breakdown from the insults, successfully sued the couple for the return of her deposit. ----------------------- HK$ 12 Million is a bit over 1.5 Million US Dollars. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== View from my desk Sun below the horizon, shining through the trees =========================================== You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If: * The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. * People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. * The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up. * Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4- wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." * The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". * In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. * Baptism is referred to as "branding". * There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. * Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. * High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. * People think "rapture" is what you get when you slip while lifting a beer keg. * The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub. * The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Towing and Junkyard. * The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dorothy Re: Yahoo / Norton woes To whom it may concern- I'm trying to receive the HUMOR LETTER-which I enjoy. Yahoo wouldn't let it through, but now they do. Now NORTON ANTIVIRUS blocked the September 9th letter. Said it was damaged with a virus? I got the September 8th letter with out any trouble? What can I do? They may block it all the time-I sure hope not? Troubled. Dorothy Dear Dorothy I have not recommended Norton since 2000. With Windows XP it's more hassle than it's worth, and as you see yourself, it malfunctions. Unless Yahoo added a virus, the Humor Letter can not contain a virus. It does not have any attachments and is plain HTML or text. (HTML is text too, plus a whole bunch of goofy brackets). Any program claiming that text (or HTML) contains a virus, is obviously malfunctioning badly. Considering the constant problems Yahoo has with their mail, it's possible that they got infected again, but I doubt that. Otherwise other people would have reported the same. Most likely you have two totally separate problems: 1) Unreliable mail because of your Yahoo address AND 2) Anti Virus program malfunction due to Norton. My first recommendation would be that you get a decent email address. Amongst the free ones, gmail.com from Google is currently the best one. I'll gladly generate a referral for you, if you need one. My second recommendation is that you get rid of Norton. On XP it's more hassle than it's worth. My favorite anti virus protection is McAfee, but ANY anti virus protection other than Norton, will be an improvement for you. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his night stick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman. "Who's head of the family here?" "You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to settle inside. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Our parish priest was making his visits to several homes in the neighborhood. He knocked on one door, and a little 4-year-old boy opened it. When he saw the priest, he called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 8, 2006 - Redwood National Park, California - IBS Two amateur California naturalists have found what they report is the world's tallest living thing. It's a redwood in Redwood National Park on the Northern California coast. The redwood tree, named Hyperion, stands 378.1 feet tall, 8 feet taller than the previous record holder, another coast redwood. The San Francisco Gate reported that the group has found about 135 redwoods that reach higher than 350 feet. The Hyperion was the tallest, followed by Helios, which stands at 376.3 feet, and Icarus, which stands at 371.2 feet, according to the paper. Officials aren't pinpointing the exact location of the trees, out of concern too many visitors could damage the delicate ecology of the areas. Researchers plan to climb the giant Hyperion in the coming weeks and drop a tape measure to confirm its exact height. But the paper reported that the tape drops can't be conducted for at least two weeks because of National Park Service restrictions to protect the marbled murrelet, a small seabird that nests in old-growth redwoods. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Put a Pan Under Sink When Making Repairs If you change the faucet or drain in your kitchen or bathroom sink, put a shallow pan under the sink to catch any drips. Keep the pan there for 4 weeks to make sure water isn't accumulating. Check it periodically and tighten fixtures if necessary. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?" One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.." The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 10:15 a.m. Saginaw, Michigan. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Ralph N. Porras at Case Funeral Home, 201 N. Miller Road, Saginaw, Michigan. Wednesday, Sept. 13 at 9:45 a.m. Wilton, Connecticut Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Nicholas A. Madaras at Our Lady of Fatima Church, 229 Danbury Rd., Wilton, Connecticut I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Herons, etc http://tinyurl.com/go7vd ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 9/06 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 9, 2006
======================================

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
-- Aldous Huxley

A great many people think they are thinking when they are
really just rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking.
One was Irish, another English, and the last American.
Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe
told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory,
they had to pass the three caves test.

The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave
test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he
said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each
100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one
each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You
must remove the thorn.
In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and
she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so
the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle,
and died soon afterward.

The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave,
drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There
was a lot of commotion and roaring.
No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the Irish man went into the first cave and drank the
bottle. He went into the second cave.  At first, there was
a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound.

Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he
came out puzzled and asked,
"Where's the thorn in the woman's foot...?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   @us.army.mil for inapropriate censoring
   Telus  for inapropriate censoring

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House. The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Donnie Lee Amis, 50 from DC and and Cassandra Albritton, 44, of Mitchellville, MD Beltway snooze shuts down rush hour Rush-hour commuters on the Capital Beltway yesterday morning were forced to wait more than an hour for the Maryland State Police to wake up two persons inside a stolen car. Troopers closed the Inner and Outer Loops of the Beltway at the height of the morning rush hour to deal with the slumbering occupants in a stolen Honda Accord. Traffic backed up for several miles and spilled onto the already packed Route 1 and other secondary roads, which blocked intersections more than a mile away. Motorists said trips from Annapolis and Baltimore took hours, compared to the typical 45 to 50 minutes. A trooper approached the Honda, on the shoulder of the Inner Loop near the Kenilworth Avenue exit in College Park, about 8 a.m. after learning it had been stolen Aug. 27 in Bladensburg. Sgt. Russell Newell, a state police spokesman, said the trooper found a man and a woman asleep inside. The car's hazard lights were blinking, so the trooper called for help because he thought the couple was faking, Sgt. Newell said. "The pair refused to leave the car, prompting police to block the highway in both directions for fear they were armed," he said. Nearly an hour later, troopers dragged the couple from the car and arrested them. Some drugs but no weapons were found, Sgt. Newell said. Police arrested Donnie Lee Amis, 50, of the District, and Cassandra Albritton, 44, of Mitchellville. They are charged with theft, auto theft, drug possession and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. http://www.washtimes.com/metro/20060908 ... -1869r.htm ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: =========================================== Judi was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch." "What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said. So Judi bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going. "Superb! I can't believe it," Judi said. "I get in that pen with my laptop and the kids don't bother me one bit!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Transfer data from old to new machine Dear Webby My wife will soon be taking possession of a new PC with Windows/XP. Can you recommend a product or method to transfer her files & settings from her old PC which is running Windows/98SE. I understand I need to manually install the application software that she needs. Thanks for a great e-zine - it's an awesome start to the day. Regards Mark Dear Mark Forget the settings. Horse and buggy settings from 1998 are meaningless for a 2006 Diesel. To transfer the files, and even a lot of the install files, simply plug the old hard drive in as a second hard drive on the new machine. You will need to get a "2 drive ribbon cable" from the RadioShack or similar electronics shop. They are usually around $2.49 Windows XP will notice and set up the addditional drive with a minimum of fuss. The old drive will then show up as Local Drive E:\ Then you can simply drag the stuff from E:\ to C:\. After all that is done, you can take the drive out again and put it back into the old machine. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite. =========================================== Deeli's Kudos ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Back to School Recipe - Melanie's Greatest Ever Granola Mix: 1 cup of whole wheat flour, 4 cups of quick oatmeal, 1 cup of slivered almonds, 1 cup of coconut and 1/2 cup of brown sugar. Stir well, then add: 1/2 cup oil and 1/2 cup of honey. Directions: Combine it all well breaking up clumps then place on large cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees F till golden brown. Use a spatula a few times and stir it around now and then. Can add raisins or dried fruit when done. Store in air tight container when cool. Great for breakfast with milk as a cereal or you can use in a granola bar recipe. By Melanie Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Morris went to his lawyer Birnbaum and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," Morris replied. "Okay, then write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you," said the lawyer Birnbaum. "But it's only $500," Morris insisted. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will then have the proof we need to nail him." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:45 a.m. Two Rivers, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Shaun A. Novak at St. Peter the Fisherman Catholic Church, 3210 Tannery Rd., Two Rivers, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:15 a.m. Superior, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Kenneth M. Cross at Superior High School, 2600 Catlin Ave., Superior, Douglas County, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:45 a.m. Pelican Rapids, Minnesota Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Joshua R. Hanson at Pelican Rapids High School, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:15 a.m. West Frankfort, Illinois Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Matthew J. Vosbein at St. John the Baptist Church, 703 E. Main, West Frankfort, Illinois Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. Monday, Sept. 11 at 8:15 a.m. Minneapolis, MN. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Qixing Lee at Washburn-McReavy Swanson Chapel, Lowry at Irving Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== I look forward to the "Dear Webby's Humor Letter" every day. I enjoy the clean jokes, great tips, good thoughts/sayings, lots of valuable information. Plus, I don't have to worry about the grandchildren reading this e-mail. Keep up the good work Nellie B Atlanta, GA ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Cadillac Ranch http://tinyurl.com/fjr6o http://www.wallpaperdave.com/page06.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





[ view entry ] ( 30 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.2 / 18 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept  

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 8, 2006
======================================

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed
in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope.
-- Winston Churchill

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog;
fewer when pursued by a mad woman;
only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
-- Robertson Davies

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off
for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway
through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled in the driveway
and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered,
"The pretty lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   
   

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !" Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me hundred dollars too much. Bye. " =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, England His driving was swift, but his thinking wasn't. September 7, 2006 - Manchester, England - AP A 28-year-old man who blew up a speed-trap camera, hoping to destroy evidence of his transgression, was sentenced to prison for four months on Wednesday. Craig Moore, 28, from Doncaster, said he had seen a flash of light from the camera, indicating that it had detected him speeding on Aug. 14, 2005. He claimed he feared his driver's license would be suspended, making him unable to work to support his family. So, he drove back to the site and employed materials that he uses in his work as a welder to melt the camera's metal body in an explosive fire. That backfired because images of his speeding survived the explosion, and so did images of him returning to attack the camera. He pleaded guilty to a charge of damaging property. "The defendant accepts that he has created a mountain out of a molehill by behaving stupidly. He finds himself in a great deal of trouble rather than the little deal of trouble he would have been in," said defense lawyer Andrew Bailey. In fact, he would have been in no trouble. Officials confirmed that the camera that Moore sped past was only to monitor traffic patterns and was designed to deter speeders, not catch them. It flashed only as a warning. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my Martin for this picture: =========================================== Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, It's me." "Sugar!" "Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautifulmink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500." "Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much." "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000!" "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options." "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking now?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover he down payment..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, if you can sign today, but just bid $420,000, OK?" "Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Julia Re: Better download for CrapCleaner Dear Webby; When CrapCleaner, which I love!, wants to update, I wind up at weird download sites where they try to trap me on all kinds of detours. Why can't they have a quick and easy download without a lot of greedy fuss? Julia Dear Julia CrapCleaner is free. The programmers have donated their time and money to provide it to you for free. However, since they don't charge for it, they don't have the money to pay for the file transfer for Millions of downloads. So they allow download sites like FileHippo provide download locations. FileHippo makes money on that with all their advertising that they put in your path when you try to get your download. Actually, anybody, including you, can provide download locations for CrapCleaner. However, unless you have big, powerful servers and are willing to pay for the file transfer cost, don't try it. Since you are a subscriber, you can get it from my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools. As long as you keep that fairly quiet, I won't have to restrict access to the toolbox. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for more phone fun: Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the Oprah, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Earlier today, Mexico's top court proclaimed Felipe Calderon as the new president-elect. Court officials contacted Calderon this morning at his home in Phoenix, Arizona." --Conan O'Brien =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 3, 2006 - Appleton, Wisconsin - AP Pets here will be breathing a little easier now that local rescuers will be carrying oxygen masks designed for animals. Six Appleton fire trucks and 13 ambulances will be equipped with masks intended for use on dogs, cats and other small animals. Alderman Richard Thompson initiated the program after he saw a newspaper photograph of a firefighter in Superior giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a cat rescued from a house fire. "A pet is family to most people," he said. "I know I wouldn't want to lose Maggie, my collie, or Lucy, my Tabby cat, to a fire, carbon monoxide poisoning or Lord knows what else." The money to pay for each $49 mask came from donations by local animal lovers. "It was something to see," Thompson said. "There was no organized solicitation effort. People and community groups just read or heard about the program and stepped up to the plate." The masks, which come in three sizes, will be distributed to each of six fire stations and to the Appleton Police Department K-9 unit, he said. The Madison Fire Department carries similar masks on its seven ambulances, said Lori Wirth, the department's community education officer. The Madison Fire Department also bought its masks with money raised from unsolicited donations, she said. In fact, the department raised so much money it was able to buy mask kits for several neighboring communities. Wirth said the department's firefighters haven't had to use the masks yet but they're trained and willing. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grocery Bags for Cleaning the Litter Box If you use scoop-able cat litter, the bags you get at grocery stores work great for disposing of the litter. Just keep some near the litter box. Tie the bag handles together before throwing away and it will help cut down on odors in your garbage can. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign, , , , "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The attendant replied, " $3.10 ". ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:15 a.m. Superior, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Kenneth M. Cross at Superior High School, 2600 Catlin Ave., Superior, Douglas County, Wisconsin Saturday, Sept. 9 at 11:45 a.m. Pelican Rapids, Minnesota Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Sgt. Joshua R. Hanson at Pelican Rapids High School, Pelican Rapids, Minnesota. Saturday, Sept. 9 at 9:15 a.m. West Frankfort, Illinois Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Matthew J. Vosbein at St. John the Baptist Church, 703 E. Main, West Frankfort, Illinois Sunday, Sept. 10 at 1:15 p.m. Farmington, MO. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Michael L. Deason at First Assembly of God Church, 1803 N. Washington St., Farmington, MO. Monday, Sept. 11 Perverts plan to picket memorials and other services recognizing the Fifth Anniversary of the 9/11 Monday, Sept. 11 at 12:15 p.m. Ft. Myer, VA Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Colin J. Wolfe at Arlington National Cemetery, Ft. Myer, VA. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. It's Friday. Wear something red to show that you support our troops! DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location." "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish." The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?" "I-75, two miles south of Standish." A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Cadillac Ranch http://www.legendsofamerica.com/TX-CadillacRanch.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby



[ view entry ] ( 254 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.4 / 18 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 7/06 


Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  September 7, 2006
======================================

Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work
he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed.

 "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38
revolver so  you will always remember me."

 "But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you
leava me your  Rolex watch instead?"

 "Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.
you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa & lotsa money, a biga
home and maybe a  couple a bambinos."

 "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you
wife inna bed  with another man. Whadda you gonna do then?
Pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so silly now. Dolly P =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Javier Leal, 25 of Chicago Suburban Chicago man drowns after ride in stolen lifeguard boat ASSOCIATED PRESS 09/05/2006 CHICAGO (AP) -- A 25-year-old Berwyn man has drowned after he and several friends stole a lifeguard boat and took it out onto Lake Michigan, police said. Javier Leal and four friends went to the Ohio Street beach early Monday and broke a lock that was securing the boat, officials said. The group floated out into the lake in the boat and then decided to wade back to shore. The boat is intended for a lifeguard and one passenger, said police spokeswoman JoAnn Taylor. Leal's body was pulled from the lake Monday afternoon after a lengthy search. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my JoAnn for this picture: Sunday we had some neighbors stop by for a snack. They seemed to really enjoy the crab apples we set out for them! JoAnn =========================================== Thanks to Chris O for this story: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly hussy he's runnin' around with!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marcy Re: Deleting individual cookies Dear Webby; Thank you for the information. Now for the stupid question ~How do I clear just that cookie? I have used a computer for about 7 years, but I really don't have much knowledge of how to do things unless someone tells me. I If you have the time, could you please tell me how to remove just one or two cookies? Thank you~ Marcy Dear Marcy The easiest way to sort out and clean your cookies is with CrapCleaner. In case you are one of the very few subscribers who have not gotten CrapCleaner yet, go to my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools and grab it. It's free! In CrapCleaner go to OPTIONS, COOKIES and drag the keepers (bank, Amazon, Barns&Noble, etc) to the right, and the ones you don't need to the left. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 6, 2006 - CHICAGO - AP A suburban Chicago woman traveling home on Amtrak with her ailing father waited up to 23 hours to notify authorities that he had died on the train, according to police. Daniel Stepanovich, 80, of Hammond, Ind., was pronounced dead of natural causes just after midnight Tuesday, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office. His daughter told officials that her father died in the roomette sleeping compartment at about 6:30 p.m. Sunday, just as the eastbound train was pulling into Glenwood Springs, Colo. Stepanovich died from heart disease and cancer, according to an autopsy conducted by the Cook County medical examiner. “She said she didn’t have any money to ship him home from Glenwood Springs, so she waited till she got here,” a Central District police lieutenant said. The Grayslake woman has not been named. The woman and her father boarded the cross-country train in the San Francisco area. The California Zephyr travels from Emeryville, Calif., to Chicago. A neighbor said the father, who had been diagnosed with cancer, had talked of taking "one last train ride." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Back To School Schedules Create a back to school schedule for the whole family to help eliminate the stress of starting school again. Write down what time everyone should wake up to make sure they can eat, shower, get dressed and get out the door on time with the least amount of stress. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Judy was speeding and an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Thursday, Sept. 7 at 10:15 a.m. Whittier, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David J. Almazan at Sky Rose Chapel, 3888 Workman Mill Road, Whittier, California Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an artists gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lighthouses http://tinyurl.com/hvrxg ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 6/06 


Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  September 6, 2006
======================================

I don't really trust a sane person.
-- Lyle Alzado

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects.
-- Lester B. Pearson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have some bad news
for you," the doctor told his anxious patient,
"You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next
several minutes...

Regaining his composure, he apologetically
told his physician that he had no medical
insurance -- "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"OK," said the doctor, "Let's make it a year."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== Thanks to Phil from Oz for this story: One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey. They thought they would have some fun with him. "Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers. "You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?" "Sure am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would probably join the Army...." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Prudes of Brattleboro Brattleboro contemplating changing from bratty to snooty September 4, 2006 - Brattleboro, Vermont - AP Public nudity isn't new to this bastion of bohemia, but it usually bares itself in more subtle places than the downtown parking lot. This summer, a group of teenagers has disrobed near restaurants, bookstores and the town's many galleries, igniting a debate about whether Brattleboro should ban a practice long tolerated until now. "Brattleboro tends to be a laid-back town and pretty accepting of the unusual, but this is really pushing limits," said Police Chief John Martin. "It's clearly to outrage people, it's clearly rebelliousness." Now the police chief wants council to ban or restrict the long tolerated practise and change the casual attitude about it. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to my dad for this picture: Thelocactus.leucanthus-family. These bloomed today. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Yahoo malfunction Dear Webby; I am having trouble getting the humor letter in this maibox. Up until about a week or so I was getting it on a daily basis. Then all of a sudden it no longer came. 1st I went to my list of blocked mail & cleard then out. Your site was NOT on the list. Then I unsubscribed to it & subscribed to it at another hotmail addressl. I get it now daily there. I tried to subscribe again at this mailbox a couple of days ago but it has not come thru. I would prefer to get it here. What can I do fix this? I don't know who to contact. You are in my address box so it has always come in my inbox not junk. I miss reading it here but can read it in hotmail. Thanks for your hrlp. Sharon Dear Sharon Tell Mom or Gramma that you have been a good girl for a long time, even Dear Webby said so, and that you are ready for a grown-ups style address! Tell her that, being stuck with a play address censored by Sniveling Ninnies, causes you to start acting like a silly whiner, and not ladylike at all! Take her to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog and show her how often Yahoo has won a Sniveling Ninny Award for messing up the mail! I am sure you will be allowed to finally get a grown-ups style address, instead of a disreputable, disposable play-mail address. It's just nor proper that a nice young lady like you should have to dress in the skanky garb of lewd juveniles and have everybody snickering behind your back, and calling you "one of those silly yahoos". She probably won't let you use a domain based address like sharon@dawna.com, because those cost $2 a month, but at least you should be able to use a Google gmail.com address! Gmail is currently the most reliable of the free email addresses. If you need a referral for gmail, let me know, I'll gladly generate one for you! Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." And Pat pleads, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 1, 2006 - Los Angeles - AP George Johnson, considered California's oldest living person at 112 and the state's last surviving World War I veteran, had experts shaking their heads over his junk food diet. "He had terrible bad habits. He had a diet largely of sausages and waffles," Dr. L. Stephen Coles, founder of the Gerontology Research Group at the University of California, Los Angeles, said Friday. The 5-foot-7, 140-pound Johnson died of pneumonia Wednesday at his Richmond home in Northern California. "A lot of people think or imagine that your good habits and bad habits contribute to your longevity," Coles said. "But we often find it is in the genes rather than lifestyle." He remained in good health and continued driving until he was 102, when his vision began to fail. Johnson, who was blind and living alone until his 110th birthday when a caregiver began helping him, built the Richmond house by hand in 1935. He got around using a walker in recent years. Johnson's wife died in 1992 at the age of 92. The couple had no children. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Dress Shoes The easiest solution to a fixing a squeaky shoe is to sprinkle some baby powder in the heel, under the insole if possible. If that doesn't work, it could be the nails that hold the shoe together are producing the squeak. You can fix that by carefully hammering the shoe on the sole. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Manure," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar on ours." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Wednesday, Sept. 6 at 12:45 p.m. Baltimore, Maryland Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Staff Sgt. Dwayne E. Williams at March Funeral Home, 4300 Wabash Ave., Baltimore, Maryland Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Thursday, Sept. 7 at 10:15 a.m. Whittier, California Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. David J. Almazan at Sky Rose Chapel, 3888 Workman Mill Road, Whittier, California Friday, Sept. 8 at 8:15 a.m. Layton, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. Daniel G. Dolan at St. Rose of Lima Catholic Church, 210 S. Chapel St., Layton, Utah Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== From Cindy: Hi Webby, I so look forward to receiving your humor letter every day. It's by far the best on the web....as proven by all the votes you get. I've saved so many of the tips you've given. Today someone messed with my computer and changed the size of the fonts. I looked everywhere on the computer for a place to fix it. I couldn't find it anywhere. I looked in the tips I'd saved from you, since I knew you'd mentioned it more than once......but it seems I didn't save that tip. So I went to your letter to find out how to contact you to ask you a question I know you must have answered way too many times... ......and here is the answer right at the beginning of the letter. Wow! what a help you are! Thanks from all of us who have a smoother life because of you!!! Your fan forever, Cindy ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Machu Picchu http://snipurl.com/vzpz ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 5/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  September 5, 2006
======================================

Who dares nothing, need hope for nothing.
-- Friedrich Schiller

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:

Dear Diary......

DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've
packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really
excited.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we
saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation
this has started to be. I  met the Captain today and he
seems like a very nice man.
__________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle
boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain
invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored
and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and
attentive gentleman.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... Won about $80.
The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state
room. We had a luxurious  meal complete with caviar and
champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined.
I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my
husband.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I
decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the
day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman He again asked me to
visit him for the night and again I  declined.
He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he
would sink the ship. I was  appalled.
___________________________________________________
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today...... Twice.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== From Goldie: The preacher came over the other day. He said that, at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him that I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Westboro perverts Chickenin out more and more July 13, 2006 - FLINT, Mich. -- EWS Channel A Michigan township plans to bill a Kansas church for security costs at a recent military funeral service after the protesters didn't show. According to police in Mundy Township, members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., had asked for special police protection for their planned protest of a Marine's funeral. The group claims that military deaths are God's retribution for the country's failure to condemn homosexuality. They have protested at a number of military funerals across the country and have been met by counter demonstrations. Police were ready for a possible confrontation on July 1 at the memorial service for Lance Cpl. Brandon Webb, but the protesters never showed. Even so, the township said it would bill them $5,000 for the extra police presence the group requested. Police Chief David Guigear told the Flint Journal that the group's failure to show broke a verbal contract with the township for security services and they never called to say they weren't coming. Westboro attorney Shirley Phelps-Roper told the newspaper that group members bought airline tickets, but they were told by the Holy Ghost at the last minute to stay home. ------------ Yeah, right. Did the Holy Ghost tell them that no hotel in Flint would rent them a room, and that the violent crime rate in Flint is five times higher than the national average, and the murder rate is six times higher? And that the people in Flint, Michigan would not put up with their crap? ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture: =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Unc Wes Re: Brick Putting your puter on a brick or some sort of wooden block will lessen the amount of dust that can accumulate around the base. Usually just a couple of inches makes a big difference. Unk Wes Dear Unk Wes Yes, that will help a bit with the bigger dust bunnies. However, it does not get you out of opening the side lid and vacuuming the inside and cleaning the heat sinks. Keep in mind that you have two or more powerful fans sucking unfiltered room air into the computer, getting the impurities deposited inside, and blowing clean hot air out the back. Yes, I know it's a stupid way to do it, and I have never hesitated to say so. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a novena is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter asks. Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait" =========================================== Deeli's Kudos September 4, 2006 - MONTROSE, Colorado - The Denver Channel More than 100 volunteers stood between the site of a memorial service Sunday for a soldier killed in Afghanistan and picketers from Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas. Army Cpl. Christopher Sitton, 21, was among three Fort Drum, N.Y., soldiers killed Aug. 19 after an explosive went off near their vehicle. He was a medic. Sitton grew up in Quinlan, Texas, before the family moved to Montrose while he was in high school. He was part of the Montrose High School track team and enjoyed the outdoors, his family said. Across the street from Sitton's memorial service at the high school, eight people, including two children, from Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, picketed as about 20 police officers monitored the scene. "These people hold patriotic pep rallies for these dead soldiers and this is the time to tell them, one, don't worship the dead. And, two, don't worship the flag," said Sara Phelps, 25, the granddaughter of church founder Fred Phelps. The church group, which has protested military funerals around the country, contends God allows war deaths as punishment for the country's tolerance of homosexuals. Police Chief Tom Chinn said the protesters complied with a new Colorado law imposing a 100-foot barrier between protesters and funerals. Motorcyclists with the Patriot Guard Riders were among volunteers outside the service. Group member Wayne "Grumpy" Hemmert said members from four states were there. He refused to acknowledge the church group. "We're here to show honor and respect to the Sitton family for the loss of their son defending our nation, giving us the freedom to ride free and show respect," he said. ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Squeaky Door You can easily fix a squeak door by spraying the hinges with WD40. A little Vaseline or even cooking spray will also do the trick. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com If it is your own house, then you might want to use a dry moly lubricant spray. It dries to a slick, waxy surface that does not attract dust and grit. It is perfectly clear and the only way you can tell it's presence, is that areas where you over-sprayed beside the hinge, feel slippery to the touch. But they are dry and none of the waxy coating comes off and onto your fingers. It also works very well in locks. You won't be hit with a cleaning charge if a locksmith has to work on it to re-key it, as you would, when you used graphite or WD40. DearWebby Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== There was a little old lady from a small town in Arkansas who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan Friday, September 8 at 1:15 p.m. Dorchester, Massachusetts. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Edgardo Zayas at McHoul Funeral Home, 354 Adams Street, Dorchester, Massachusetts. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== An eighty-three year old woman finished her annual physical examination, whereupon her doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute; I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said, "Bubba, do we still have intercourse?" Bubba answered impatiently, "If I told you once, I told you a thousand times. We have Blue Cross!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Tropical Rain Forest http://library.thinkquest.org/17456/tropicalall.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 4/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  September 4, 2006
======================================

Happy Labor Day!

All you have shall some day be given;
therefore give now,
that the season of giving may be yours
and not your inheritors.

-- Kahlil Gibran

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of
the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen,
it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the
grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy
decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice
President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship

If you want to read previous day's Humor Letters, browse to the blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
=========================================== SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. SWIPED OUT An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TREEWARE Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. GOING POSTAL Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. IRRITAINMENT Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Gary Condit, Monica Lewinsky, etc. DEINSTALLED Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned" YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini- sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." HEADACHED Temp widower. Spouse is not in the mood. Used as in: "I got lots of time to work on that project tonight, I got headached." CLM Career Limiting Mistake. Self explanatory. OHNO-SECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UMFRIEND A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sherry, my ... um ...friend." CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Maria Ilieva, 17 from Sofia, Bulgaria Home alone, and back again, for sleeping beauty SOFIA (Reuters) - A sleeping teen-ager flew home to Bulgaria and then back to Malta after aircrew apparently failed to notice she was still on the plane. Maria Ilieva, 17, was traveling alone and fell asleep on an Air Malta plane taking her overnight from Valletta to Sofia. Unfortunately she had returned to Malta by the time she woke up, the girl's family said Friday. "Air Malta officials said the airplane was not a place for sleeping. But I have not seen any signs saying 'No sleeping', I have only seen signs saying 'No smoking'," the girl's mother, Nadezhda Vulova, told Reuters. Maria was finally reunited with her family Thursday, almost four days after her sleepover. She had to pay 200 euros ($256) for the second flight home. The family said they had filed a complaint against the airline and asked for a refund. Air Malta was not immediately available for comment. ===========================================
SAVE FUEL - SAVE MONEY HELP THE ENVIRONMENT visit MPGadvantage.com today
=========================================== Thanks to Trish for this picture: =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Judy Re: Heat Sink Ok, Webby, I know how stupid this question is, but what is a 'heat sink'? Dust bunnies, even 'I' know them! But have never heard of a heat sink.... And by the way, thanks for all your helpful information and the laughs too... Judy Dear Judy The cooling fins attached to hot components are called "heat sinks". It's an old term going back to the steam engine era, and is probably a rough translation. However, ever since then, ribbed or finned metal with a large surface area to get rid of excess and unwanted heat, has been called "heat sinks". In your computer you will see a big one on top of your CPU chip, often hidden under a fan or fan shroud. The fins of that heat sink tend to snag dustbunnies, and need to be cleaned once or twice a year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India. "What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...." =========================================== Deeli's Kudos Safe McFlurry's for the McFurry's :-) September 3, 2006 - London - AP Fast food just became hedgehog-friendly. McDonald's Corp. said Friday it had redesigned the cups for its McFlurry dessert so that they no longer posed a danger to the spiky woodland creatures. The British Hedgehog Preservation Society has campaigned for years against the containers, saying hedgehogs had died while trying to eat leftover ice cream from discarded cups. Campaigners said the opening in the lid was large enough for hedgehogs to stick their heads in, but not to get them out again, and that animals not rescued by passers-by had died of starvation. McDonald's U.K. said that after "significant research and testing," it designed a McFlurry cup with a smaller opening. McDonald's began deliveries of the new lids to restaurants in Britain last week. "The smaller aperture of the lid has been designed to prevent hedgehogs from entering the McFlurry container in the unfortunate incidence that a lid is littered and is then accessible to wildlife," the company said in a statement. Fay Vass, chief executive of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, said the change was "excellent, if long overdue news." She said the new cups meant "many hedgehog lives will be saved." ============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Casseroles Line a baking dish with heavy-duty aluminum foil, fill with food and freeze it until firm. Remove the foil package, now in the shape of your baking dish, to free up your dish for other purposes until you're ready to reheat your casserole Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font> ======================================== Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m. Alpena, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at First Baptist Church, 1261 W. Washington Ave., Alpena, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ======================================== To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like Labor Day, you think they would have more beer in the house." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Mississipi Squirrel http://snipurl.com/vw0z http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby


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Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 3/06 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  September 3, 2006
======================================

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't
learn something from him.
-- Galileo Galilei

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often,
as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-- Dave Barry

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he
read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately
stroking her own cheek and his.

Finally she spoke. "Granddaddy, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart" he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh", she said, then "Granddaddy, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed honey" he assured her. "God made you just a
little while ago."

"Oh" she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she
observed,

"God's getting better at it now isn't he?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a
colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just
received a message from her dead husband - asking
her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know
where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in
Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up, but...he didn't mention anything
about including matches in the package, did he?"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Stephan Kishore in New York

Fake Cop

August 31, 2006 - New York - AP

Police arrested a college student Wednesday near New York's
John F. Kennedy International Airport and charged him with
impersonating a federal agent.

Stephan Kishore's minivan was pulled over after an officer
noticed a large police decal on a rear door of the van, as
well as red and blue strobe lights on the dashboard,
prosecutors said.

Authorities said Kishore showed the officer a Homeland
Security badge and said he was on duty. But the real cop
said he noticed the back of the badge was imprinted with
the words
"CopShop.com Collectible Badge. Not For Official Use."

Kishore, who is being held on $50,000 bail, could get seven
years in prison if convicted.

===========================================

Thanks to Bonnie for sending this picture:


Taku Glacier Lodge, Juneau, AK

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Allan
Re: Location for computer

Dear Webby,
What is a better location for my computer, in a snug cubbyhole
on my desk, or on the floor below the desk?
Allan

Dear Allan
On the floor, without any doubt whatsoever.
You have to be able to get at the cables on the back. That
alone rules out a snug cubbyhole. However, the most
important reason is cooling. There is nothing that kills
a computer faster than inadequate cooling. It needs
unresticted air flow that it can draw through the computer
ONCE. Not re-use the heated air for that.

Just put it on the floor and once or twice a year vacuum
out the dust bunnies and clean the heat sinks.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

At the retreat, Sam and Anni were told to
individually write a sentence using
the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Anni wrote: 'When two mature people
are passionately and deeply in love with
one another to a high degree and that
they respect each other very much, just
like Sam and I, it is spiritually and
morally acceptable for them to engage
in the act physical sex with one another.'


And Sam wrote: 'I love sex.'

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Jack had gone to propose to his girlfriend and
returned home crying bitterly. "What happened,
son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her
response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jack. "When I
told her what you advised me to say, she
slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you
to say, what I told your mother when she
accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands
still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
her that?" asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I get it all wrong," Jack groaned.
"I said, 'My Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock'!"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 31, 2006 - Hutchinson, Kansas - IBS

Two weeks ago, one of bartender Cindy Kienow's regular
customers left her a $100 tip on a tab that wasn't even
half that.

This week, he added a couple of zeros.

Kienow, a bartender at Applebee's, got a $10,000 tip from
the man -- for a $26 meal -- on Sunday.

"I didn't know what to say," Kienow told The Hutchinson
News. "He said, 'This will buy you something kind of nice,
huh,' and I said, 'Yeah, it will.'"

Kienow has worked at Applebee's for eight years.

She told the newspaper that the man is a regular customer
who comes in a couple of times each month.

"He usually signs his ticket and flips it upside down,"
Kienow told the paper. "But this time, he had it right side
up and said, 'I want you to know this is not a joke.'"

Kienow said the customer has always tipped well, but she
doesn't know what prompted the huge tip.

She told the newspaper that she hasn't decided how to
spend the money, but she said she has her eye on a Jeep.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Dog Hair on Furniture
Put on a rubber glove and wipe it over furniture to easily
remove pesky pet hair. A damp sponge will also work well.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people
predict the future with cards?"

His response was, "My mother can."

The teacher replied, "Really?"

The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one
look at my report card and tells me what will happen
when my father gets home...."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.



Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at
Calvary Evangelical Church,
498 White Plains Rd.,
Trumbull, Connecticut.

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho

Thursday, Sept. 7 at 1:15 p.m.  Alpena, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy CPO Paul J. Darga at
First Baptist Church,
1261 W. Washington Ave.,
Alpena, Michigan


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he
planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be
willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at
night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too."

========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link:
Freaking out the speed freaks
http://i.funnieststuff.net/s/skeletonpr ... nprank.wmv

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 131 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.2 / 21 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  September 2, 2006
======================================

It's good to have money and the things that money can buy,
but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make
sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy.
-- George Horace Lorimer

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.
-- Bertrand Russell
======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her  rounds  visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas.  As luck would have it, a gas station   was just
a block away.

 She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas.  The attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was
returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and  walked back to her car.  She looked for
something in her car that she could fill  with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to
do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake
mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing
and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had
dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

This cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community
of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for
something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church
and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and
gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the
bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that
cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the
attractive perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her
Mom.

Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would
know, what would they think?

Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed.

All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing
their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not
to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy
luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend
and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was
a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding
families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she
could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust
old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was
presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the
cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her
hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when
she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member)
say, Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Pepsi and University of Florida

20,000 Shirts goofed up

August 31, 2006 - Gainesville, Florida - AP

Thousands of Gator T-shirts are going back in the box because
of a mix up. Roman numerals meant to denote the year "2006"
on the University of Florida shirts actually translate into "26."

Pepsi paid for the shirts. It has an exclusive contract with
the school.

According to UF's athletic association, neither Pepsi nor
the school discovered the error before distribution. But
those handing out the free shirts and the students who got
them noticed.

Over 20,000 shirts were printed, and those that have not
been distributed to students will be returned to Pepsi.

A Pepsi spokeswoman said it's not clear what they will do
with the shirts that are returned, but that they apologize for
the error. Pepsi will pay for another set of shirts to be
distributed in late September before the Alabama game.

This isn't a first for the University Athletic Association.
In 2003, it published media guides that featured a crocodile
on the front cover instead of an alligator -- the school's mascot.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:


Wrangel Island

===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Glenis
Re: Rule 240

Dear Webby,
You travel a lot. What is "Rule 240" really about, and how
does it apply under the current security restrictions?
Glenis

Dear Glenis
I bet you saw somebody march up to a ticket counter, and
was instantly given wads of hotel vouchers and tickets.

"Rule 240" used to be the federal compensation schedule for
passengers inconvenienced by delays due to air line mess-ups.
Nowadays each airline has their own "Rule 240" filed with
the DOT.

The "Rule 240" filings are usually quite straight forward.
IF you were at the gate on time, and IF there was no
force majeure" events: weather, strikes, "acts of God," or
other occurrences that the airlines say they cannot control,
and you miss a connection because they were late,
they promise to put you up in a decent hotel, give you
alternate tickets and meal vouchers.

Where the fun comes in is that 99% of the airport counter
staff have at one time or another heard about "Rule 240",
but have no clue where they can find the copy that is
supposed to be at each counter. So they usually fall all
over themselves to err on the safe side, rather than get in
trouble.

You can get the "Rule 240" filings at
http://www.mytravelrights.com/travellaw.cfm?ai=3

If the take-off is delayed because of security problems,
then the air line is theoretically off the hook, but very
few counter staffers know enough about "Rule 240"
to intelligently dispute the points, and rather give you
vouchers.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry
home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he
wants to buy Mom...!"

==========================================

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    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
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==========================================

Two psychiatrists were at a convention.  As
they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What
was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived
in a pure fantasy world.  He believed that an
uncle in South America was going to die and
leave him a fortune.  All day long he waited
for a letter to arrive from an attorney.  He
never went out, he never did anything, he merely
sat around and waited for this fantasy letter
from this fantasy uncle.  I worked with this man
eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle.  Every day for
eight years, but I finally cured him.  And then
that stupid letter arrived...!"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 30, 2006 - Jacksonville, Florida - AP

A Jacksonville postal worker delivers more than just letters
to residents. The woman also delivers prayers.

Synetta Drayton Haggary was delivering the mail in July
when she heard a woman crying and praying for help. Haggary
stopped to pray with the woman, though she didn't know what
she was praying for. When they finished, the woman pulled
out the handgun she wanted to use for suicide and handed
it to Haggary.

Haggary called police and handed them the gun. Now 51 year
old Haggary checks on the woman almost everyday. She says
she's just trying to spread good cheer in such a negative world.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Saving For Christmas
Even though Christmas time comes around every year, it's
not uncommon for people to be caught off guard by Christmas
expenses and end up a bloated credit cards heading into
the new year. Start saving now and you can limit the stress
that Christmas puts on your financial well being. When it
comes time to buy present and throw parties, stay within
your budget and give your credit cards a break.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

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========================================

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the
middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before
we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about?
We're both here."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at
Calvary Evangelical Church,
498 White Plains Rd.,
Trumbull, Connecticut.

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door
handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.

The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in
and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian
after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.

She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the
narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down,
he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.

He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch
or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us
both killed?"

"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

========================================

Thanks to Ellen for this Bonus Link:
Make it!
http://makezine.com/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby




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[ view entry ] ( 199 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 19 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Sept 1/06 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  September 1, 2006
======================================

Skepticism, like chastity,
should not be relinquished too readily.
-- George Santayana

Great people talk about ideas,
average people talk about things,
and small people talk about wine.
-- Fran Lebowitz

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Dave for this story:
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners
at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife,
"Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence
   us.army.mil  for considering the Humor Letter
          as too naughty for the Infantry
                    Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Max was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a
top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the
teapot?"
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $50!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!"
Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the
hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl
went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw
for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you never send a woman to a hardware store.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Pat Carr in Rochester, Minnesota

Fake praise

August 30, 2006 - Rochester, Minnesota - AP
A City Council member and mayoral candidate admitted he
has anonymously praised himself in comments posted on a
newspaper's Web site.

The Post-Bulletin newsroom doesn't regularly check identities
of online users, but a reporter noticed similarities in the
way a user named "127179" writes and Pat Carr talks.

Some of the dozens of messages posted by "127179" since
November found notes of praise for Carr, while some attacked
officials who voted differently from him.

For example, in a comment posted Sunday that answered a
critical comment from another reader, Carr wrote:
"Pat Carr has done nothing but stand up for the silent majority."
A comment posted Friday said: "People that run him down are
special interest groups and insiders that Carr exposes."

Carr acknowledged Monday that he wrote all past comments
except one, which he said was written by a friend visiting
his office.

"If people want to trash me, I have the right to stand up
and defend myself," he said. "I stand by what I said."

Managing Editor Jay Furst sent messages to Carr in April
and July, warning him that if he continued to post
self-congratulatory or misleading comments, the newspaper
might choose to report on it.

He kept it up, and they did.

===========================================

Thanks to Carol for sending this picture:


Bubba is faster than his bike, sometimes.

===========================================


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    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Allan
Re: SMTP filtering

Dear Webby,
My ISP, Telus, is dumping too much of my outgoing mail with
their mis-configured SMTP filters. How do I get around that?
Writing to their support is useless, they apparently filter
and dump their own responses too.
Thanks
Allan

Dear Allan
Telus DSL is OK for areas where you can't get cable, but
I agree that their mail is definitely not reliable enough
for business purposes. Luckily it's easy enough to get
around them, or any ISP, by using a remote SMTP server.
A very popular and easy to use remote SMTP is at
Softstack
It's easy to set up and it's free.

If you want something fancier with more options, there is
PostCastServer
for $49.

A fringe benefit of using a remote SMTP is that you never
have to change it when you travel. Considering that only
very few hotels nowadays allow you to use their SMTP, you
are never stuck when you use a remote one like Postcast.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that
he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.

After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor
with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said
"Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes
my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice,
"That's what they said the last time too...."

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
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==========================================

A lady picked  up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the  checker,
she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and  boomed out for all the store to hear,
"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,  TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the  word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice  boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR
THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 28, 2006 - Yulee, Fla. - AP

A kindergarten teacher saved her 5-year-old student by
performing the Heimlich maneuver.

Biscayne Elementary School teacher Jenifer Cochran said
she noticed her student suddenly run to the bathroom with a
bright red face. Craig Baker had swallowed a quarter and it
was trapped in his windpipe.

The teacher tried to get Baker to cough up the quarter, but
soon the boy grew weak and couldn't make any sounds.

She said it took five Heimlich thrusts to force the quarter
out of his windpipe. After the quarter was free, the child
cried with fear and pain from the damage it had done to
his windpipe.

Cochran said she hopes the incident will be a wake-up
call to schools everywhere that teachers need emergency
first-aid training.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning Hardwood Floors
Daily cleaning of hardwood floors can be a challenge,
especially if you have pets. The best tool I have found for
daily maintenance of my hardwood floors is a good vacuum
cleaner. Mine has a low setting made for flat floors and it
works well for pet hair, dust and paw prints. Make sure
you let muddy paw prints dry before trying to vacuum.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
An old-fashioned swivel-head dust mop, either cotton
or microfiber, works very well and fast on sealed hardwood
floors. The only places, that really need slow and noisy
vacuuming, are door sills and where hardwood floors border
carpeted areas.
DerWebby

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific
island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into
view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's
attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor
gets out and greets the stranded man.

After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts
you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at
St. Paul Lutheran Church,
206 N. Colorado Av.,
Minden, Nebraska.

Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at
First Church of the Nazarene,
3852 N. Eagle Rd.,
Boise, Idaho


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 4 men and 8 women:
Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea."

Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to
change your mind?"

Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there
would be women on the jury. Since I can't ever get anything
past my wife, I'll never be able to convince 8 women jurors...."

========================================

Thanks to Trish for this Bonus Link:
San Pedro Prison
http://snipurl.com/vrrv

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 936 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 1501 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 31/06 

Good Morning !
Thursday,  Aug 31, 2006
======================================

There is only one way to bring up a child in the way he
should go and that is to travel that way yourself.
-- Abraham Lincoln

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected
thoughts; they come back to us with a certain
alienated majesty.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A two-year-old daughter was with her mother while her older
sister was being examined by a dentist.  The two-year-old
kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until
she noticed that her mom was resting, with her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, the child toddled up
to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up!  This is not church!"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence

===========================================

Thanks to Lisa for this story:

I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio
help callers with their home problems. One woman called up
hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement
to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get
rid of it."

An hour later the woman called back, even more upset.
"Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
(sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Cell phone makers

Phones are security risks

August 30, 2006 - Washington - AP

The Associated Press has uncovered a piece of information
that could save you a lot of embarrassment or worse.

It turns out that when you upgrade to a new cell phone and
get rid of your old one, those old text messages may go
with it.

"Resetting" the phone to clear the slate can be a lot more
difficult than owners think, meaning the new owner can get
a look at a lot of sensitive information. Used phones checked
by the Virginia security company, Trust Digital, contained
information ranging from sensitive corporate negotiations
to a married man's chit-chat with his girlfriend to bank
account numbers and passwords.

Most manufacturers offer instructions on how to completely
erase cell-phone data, but in one case it involves pushing
so many buttons simultaneously, that it's a two-person job.
One security expert said the best thing to do may be to
heave the old phone under a truck.

-----------------------------------

That reminds me,....
Phone disposal takes new tone
ANYONE wanting to throw away their mobile phone can do it
in style at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship
in Finland.

Originally a local event in this small town close to the
Russian border, the seventh annual contest drew some
100 throwers from as far afield as Canada, Russia and
Belgium.

Founder Christine Lund describes the event as light
exercise with an environmentally friendly twist.
http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1274312006

===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for sending this picture:


Falls in Honesdale, PA

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Angie
Re: FTP

Dear Webby,
I have always used browser FTP to up and download files,
but with my new web host I can't do that any more. I was
told to get a proper, grown-up FTP program. Snobs!
I looked around and there are hundreds of them availale.
Which one would you recommend, preferably one that is
not too expensive?
Angie

Dear Angie
Second best is BulletProof. I have used it for many years
and bought a lifetime license for it about 8 years ago.

Best is Filezilla. I am slowly migrating the log-on data for
the hundreds of our clients from BulletProof over to
Filezilla. That's a lot of work, but worth it. FileZilla is
that much better. And it's free!

So that you don't have to battle all the detours on FileHippo
or similar download sites, I put it into my toolbox at
http://webby.com/tools

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows
who had been rivals all their lives followed different career
paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the
other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport.
The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly,
"Oh Porter, from what gate is the flight to Dallas leaving?"
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said
"Gate 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers
were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!
My wife will think I've been in a house of ill repute!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and
put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a
house of ill repute smells like."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 27, 2006 - Lancaster, Texas - AP

More than 500 students in Lancaster, Texas, had their
summer vacations extended after failing to complete their
summer reading assignment — only they weren't exactly on
vacation: The school suspended them until they completed
their assigned reading.

The "get tough" policy is Lancaster Independent School
District's latest effort to improve reading scores and
overall performance in a suburban school that is described
by many as "struggling and underachieving."

"Our kids canno
t afford to have summer or winter breaks
off," says Larry Lewis, school district superintendent.
"Sixty to 75 percent of our students are reading two to
five years below their grade level."

This is the second straight year the Lancaster School
District has put in place such a policy.

Last year 1,100 students were sent home for failing to
complete the summer reading project.

"A lot of parents were shocked by the suspensions then,"
says Lewis. "But this year the whole city was involved,
and most people were supportive."

Parents got caught up in the reading project, and reminders
to complete the reading assignments were everywhere —
on restaurant menus and on street signs announcing
"Summer Reading Due the First Day of School."

Lewis says many of the students that didn't do the
assignment on time acted out intentionally against
the policy.

"Some of the kids formed pacts that they weren't going to
do the work," he says. "But compared to last year, there
was a big improvement."

Of the 519 students suspended, all but 93 returned to
school the following day having completed their work.

This is just one of the challenges Lewis and other
Lancaster school officials face as the No Child Left
Behind edict increases the pressure on schools across
the country to get reading scores up or lose federal funding.

While the punishment may seem tough to some people, reading
scores have gone up and students are more motivated and
opting to take more rigorous courses, according to Lewis.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
College Kids and Credit Cards 
Credit card companies fall over themselves to offer credit
to new college students. If you have a child heading off to
college, be sure to warn them about this because they
can quickly amass high interest credit card debt that could
haunt them, and you, for years to come.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Thanks to Irma for this story:
One day, while driving with my 5 year old daughter
Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and
looked at me as if she was demanding an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident..."

She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't yell
'@#$%&!' after beeping!"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Thursday, August 31 at 12:15 p.m.  Chillicothe, Ohio
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Master Sgt. Brad A. Clemmons  at
Haller Funeral Home,
1661 Western Ave.,
Chillicothe, Ohio

Thursday, August 31 at 10:45 a.m.  Rockville, Maryland.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Thomas J. Barbieri at
St. Mary's Catholic Church,
520 Veirs Mill Rd.,
Rockville, Maryland.

Thursday, Aug. 31  at 8:15 a.m. Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. James D. Hirlston at
Murfreesboro Funeral Home,
145 Innsbrooke Blvd.,
Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado

Sunday, Sept. 3  at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed
a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the
couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their
destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to
get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver
noticed a fork in the road,
and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"No way, get your own," said the groom,
"this one's all mine...."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
TerraWind
http://www.terrawind.com/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





[ view entry ] ( 234 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 18 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 30/06 

Good Morning!
Wednesday,  Aug 30, 2006
======================================

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
-- Oscar Wilde

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps
it from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

The census taker knocked on an old lady's door.  He asked her
several questions and she answered all of them except one.
She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?"
she asked stubbornly.

"Certainly," the census taker replied.

Then the lady snapped, "Well, I'm the same age as they are."

So, the census taker remarked: OK, I'll put down,
"As old as the Hills."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
   Telus.net  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Yahoo  mail  for gross incompetence

===========================================

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work one day, "I have great news for you.  Pretty soon we're
going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness.  He kissed
his wife and said, "Oh darling, this makes me the happiest
person in the world."

And she said, "I'm so happy you feel this way.
I was worried that you wouldn't like my mother."

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
(sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to British Airways

Lost Leg

August 29, 2006 - London - Dominion Post

In just seven days Paralympic athlete Kate Horan is due to
line up in the 100 meters at the IPC Athletics World
Championships in Assen in the Netherlands. But there's a
hitch – British Airways has lost her leg.

The Wellington athlete's $10,000 running leg has been
missing for more than a week, sitting somewhere in a
London warehouse with 20,000 other pieces of luggage.
"It's the worlds – this is the biggest event apart from the
Paralympics," Horan said. She has been preparing for the
championships for two years.

Since British authorities foiled a terrorist plot to attack
flights out of Heathrow Airport, increased security has
forced travelers to limit their carry-on luggage.

For Horan that meant she had to check in her running leg
for the short flight from London to Amsterdam a week ago.

It was the first time the unique leg was not with her as
carry-on luggage. And British Airways told her there was
little it could do. "They said there's 20,000 bags sitting in
Heathrow and mine is just one of them. I was told they
don't know where it is."

Horan is now in a race against time with manufacturer
Otto Bock and Ossur, which will attempt to build her
another leg in time for the world championships.
"I head to Holland today," she said. "And I'm going straight
to the factory. These sort of legs take weeks to fine tune.
At the moment that's the only possibility I've got.

"All the time that I should be training and getting myself
ready, I'm going to be spending trailing this leg and trying
to get a leg that fits."

===========================================

Thanks to Nita for sending this picture:



===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From:
Re:

Dear Webby
I always enjoy the pictures you (and your friends and family)
send for the Humor Letter and wonder how I can take such
good ones. I thought I would ask you since your pictures
have always been great.  Our current camera is a Canon
PowerShot A80 4.0 megapixels that we bought in May 2004.
It is getting battered thanks to my daughter hauling it around
and slinging it everywhere, but the pictures just have not
been all that thrilling.  The zoom is also inadequate --we
took a whale watching ride from Friday Harbor this weekend
and while I did capture some cavorting whales they are tiny
in the photo although the zoom was set to maximum.
SO, can you recommend a camera that can work indoors
and out, and grab far away images while also allowing
closeups, or are we asking too much for a single camera?
Thanks for any advice!!

Best, Susan

Dear Susan
I use a 2005 Canon Powershot 2S-IS and I am very happy with it.
It has 12x zoom and a big lens that reaches far into the dark.
To steady the picture on long zoom shots, where a tiny jitter
can move the focus a long way, it has a built in image stabilizer.

There is a 3S available now, but I am in no way lusting to
upgrade from the 2S. I can highly recommend it.

Here is a picture from earlier this month: Lundgren Falls


Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

A child was on his first visit to the country at his grandparents'
ranch and feeding the chickens fascinated him.  Early one morning
he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard.
He rushed into the house, where his grandmother was making
breakfast and exclaimed, "Grandma, come and see!
One of the chickens is in bloom!"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Johnnie's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day.  When
little Johnny opened the door, she asked
"Johnnie, are your father and mother in?"

"They was in, but they is out." he answered.

The teacher gasped, "Why, Johnnie, it is 'They
 were in, they are out' Where's your grammar?"

"She's upstairs having a nap."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 27, 2006 - Crown Point, Ind. - AP

A judge detained and questioned a row of spectators when
a cell phone rang for a third time in her courtroom, later
ordering two people to serve community service for
contempt of court.

When no one admitted having the ringing phones Wednesday,
Lake County Criminal Court Judge Diane Boswell told all
five people in the row to sit in chairs reserved for jail inmates.
They stayed there for more than an hour until the morning
court call ended.

Boswell found three people in contempt of court because
they initially refused to say who had the ringing phones.

Cynthia Cannon of Gary agreed to pay a $100 fine after
admitting that her phone was one of those that went off.
The judge ordered her to do community service, but
Cannon declined, saying she can't work or sit for long
periods of time due to a disability.

Verdell Berry Jr., of Merrillville, said he had two phones.
One was off, the other he turned off when Boswell warned
the gallery about the phones. The sound of it powering
down is what she heard, Berry said.

He admitted he didn't speak up to explain that when Boswell
first asked.

Shonique Freeman, of Gary, said she knew it was Berry's
phone, but she didn't offer the information, either.

Boswell ordered both Berry and Freeman to serve 40 hours
of community service.

"The next time you come to court, don't bring your cell
phone," Boswell said. "And when the court asks a question,
answer the question."

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
The Benefits of Buying Used Cars
You can save a bundle on your next car purchase by buying
a used car. One of the common concerns I hear from people
about used cars is that they will require expensive repairs
sooner than new cars. There is no question that repair
bills can be outrageously expensive but here's one way
to look at it. If a new car costs you $15,000 (or more)
and a five year old version of the same car costs $5,000,
the difference in price leaves you a lot of room to make
repairs and still come out on top.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the
only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam
demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.



Wednesday, Aug. 30  at 10:15 a.m. Tacoma, Washington.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Gabriel G. DeRoo
at Temple Baptist Church,
1108 S. Columbia Ave.,
Tacoma, Washington.

Wednesday, Aug. 30 at 1:15 p.m. Salt Lake City, Utah 
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Cpl. Adam A. Galvez  at
Calvary Chapel,
460 W. Century Drive,
Salt Lake City, Utah.

Thursday, Aug. 31  at 8:15 a.m. Murfreesboro, Tennessee
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. James D. Hirlston at
Murfreesboro Funeral Home,
145 Innsbrooke Blvd.,
Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson  at
All People International Church,
1993 Edgewood Ave.,
Jacksonville, Florida

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.

Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m.  Montrose, Colorado
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at
Montrose High School,
600 S. Selig Ave.,
Montrose, Colorado


Hood River, OR, August 26 Perverts picketing the Memorial
service for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee


On August 2, 2006, 28-year-old Lee held off enemy insurgents
in Ramadi, Iraq, and secured enough time for his team to
rescue a wounded soldier on an exposed rooftop. For Lee,
the battle lasted about two hours before enemy machine gun
fire brought him down.
He has been rewarded the Bronze Star with Valor, the
Purple Heart, the Silver Star, and Combat Action Ribbon
for his bravery. In his native Oregon, the governor decreed
August 10, 2006, as a day of mourning for Lee.

I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thanks to Phil for this report:
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so
he sent a memo saying that any paper left
on desks would be removed at night and
we would have to fill out a form to get it back.

So we left all our garbage paper on our desks
every night.

next day, the boss had an office full of garbage,
and we never heard about the policy again.

========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link:
Foto Gallerie
http://www.fotocommunity.de/pc/pc/mypics/12278

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 493 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 19 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 29/06 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 29, 2006
======================================

How old would you be if you didn't have a mirror and
didn't know when you were born?
-- Edythe E. Bregnard

Instead of focusing on a person's past,
look  how far he's come.
-- Charles Scaparo

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for
promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant
Slot available.

The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said,
"This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a
flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you
do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would
get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate
environmental study and  . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel
said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the
First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole
set up in front of HQ by 16:30, standing perfectly straight!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to

   Telus.net  for  for inappropriate censorship

===========================================

The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help...

"If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
(sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a robber in Elmwood park, NJ

Dumb Robber Forgets to Bring Bag for Loot

ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. (1010 WINS)  --
A man who robbed a Wachovia Bank this week made one small
mistake that cost him most of his profits — he forgot to
bring a bag to the put the money in.

The man, who was wearing a long, curly-haired wig and
sunglasses and had what appeared to be a black 9mm
handgun, demanded money from tellers after he entered
the bank shortly before 11 a.m. Friday, according to
Elmwood Park Police. He then jumped over the tellers'
counter and emptied $1,385 in cash.

As he ran away from the scene of the crime, though, he
ended up dropping at least $1,195, or about 86 percent
of what he had taken.

Police recovered the cash, which had flown onto lawns and
driveways, when they searched the area an hour later.

===========================================

Thanks to Ann for sending this picture:



Why dogs bite people

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Elisa
Re: Jittery Moon

Dear Webby
I tried to take a picture of the red moon in forest fire
smoke a while after dark. I used max Zoom, and wound
up with TWO overlapping crescents of the moon, as if
it was a double exposure. The sharp tips of the crescent
are definitely there twice. What causes that? I rested one
edge of the camera on the window sill to keep it steady.
How do I avoid that problem?
Elisa

Dear Elisa
You shot the picture in VERY dark conditions, not just
after dark, but through forest fire smoke. The camera kept
the shutter open long to gather enough light to show the moon,
maybe 2 - 3 seconds if you have a camera with a large lens,
much longer if it has a small lens. During that time you jittered
a bit.

Next time you try that, nestle the camera into a bag of icing
sugar or sand. That holds the camera much steadier than
resting one edge of it on a hard surface. Once you have the
shot lined up, hit the self-timer, stand back and don't
breathe until it has taken the picture.

The less light you have, the more careful you have to be to
avoid jitters.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

"Hello?" Linda responded, answering the phone.

"I bet you want me to come over to your house, take
you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe,
and then make mad passionate love to you all night long,"
the male voice whispered sensuously.

"Wow!," she replied. "You could tell all that just from
me saying 'hello?'"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support
a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no.  I was just
planning to support your daughter.  The rest of you will have
to fend for yourselves."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Moscow - AP

An antiques dealer on Friday turned over a 19th-century
chalice that he said he had discovered was among items
recently found missing from Russia's renowned State
Hermitage Museum, a government official said.

The Moscow dealer reported buying the silver, gold and
gem-covered chalice in 2004, said Anatoly Vilkov, the head
of the Culture Ministry's department in charge of protecting
cultural valuables.

''It went on display during several antique art fairs,'' Vilkov said.

More than 220 antiques and valuables missing from the famed
Hermitage in St. Petersburg are believed to have been stolen
over several years. Museum officials announced Monday that
the theft was discovered by a routine inventory check that began
in October 2005 and was completed at the end of last month.

Hermitage director Mikhail Piotrovsky blamed the theft, valued
at more than $5 million, on museum workers. The incident has
put the spotlight on poor security at Russian cultural institutions.

The dealer, who was not identified, is cooperating with a police
investigation, Vilkov said.

On Thursday, St. Petersburg police said they found a religious
icon dumped in a trash bin near a police station after they
received a tip from an anonymous caller.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
20% Down on New Cars
When buying a new or used car from a dealer, make a down
payment of at least 20%. That will be a enough to cover taxes
and most of the vehicles first year depreciation. Dealerships
will gladly sell you a car with less down, but that will leave you
with an upside down loan for years. An upside down loans
means you owe more than the car is worth.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure
in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed
with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his
signature and was about to walk away when the man
asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't
think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars
around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Tuesday, Aug. 29 at 1:45 p.m. Birmingham, Alabama
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Marquees A. Quick at
St. James Baptist Church,
7309 Oporto Ave.,
Birmingham, Alabama.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Cheyenne, Wyoming
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pfc. James J. Arellano at
St. Mary's Cathedral,
100 W. 21st St.,
Cheyenne, Wyoming

Wednesday, Aug. 30  at 10:15 a.m. Tacoma, Washington.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Sgt. Gabriel G. DeRoo
at Temple Baptist Church,
1108 S. Columbia Ave.,
Tacoma, Washington.

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having
trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to
scare them away."

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds
living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.   I've even
had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members
of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Enoshima Aquarium
http://www.flickr.com/photos/mmqb01/with/5743441/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 1021 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.7 / 24 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 28/06 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 28, 2006
======================================

When things start to make sense,
THAT'S when to hit the panic button.
-- Pat D

An expert is a person who avoids small errors
as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
-- Benjamin Stolberg

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make
two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household,
and the other line for the men who were dominated by their
women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was
100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads
of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves,
I created you to be the head of your household! You have
been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the
only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
    us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Telus.net  for  for inappropriate censorship

The Navy, Airforce and Coastguard have no problem with
the Humor Letter, only the Sniveling Ninnies at the Army
Censorship consider the Humor Letter as too naughty for
the Infantry soldiers. Has somebody been in Fort Huachuca
too long and wants to give the Army a bad name?

===========================================

Wendy was reading a newspaper, while James, her husband,
was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out
laughing. "Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," James said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Wendy said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Wendy said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to New York City traffic ticket enforcement

Close, but not close enough

August 25, 2006 - New York - AP
Lisa Sims was socked with a $50 traffic ticket for running
a red light on a street in Manhattan's Greenwich Village on
June 24. A police camera took a picture of a sedan with
license plates beginning with the letters "D-O-N."

The problem? Sims was 630 miles away in Middletown,
Ohio, when the violation occurred, and she drives a pickup
bearing plates that begin with "D-Q-N."

The ticket was thrown out this week, but not before Sims
had to spend a long time dealing with the city's Finance
Department and mail in proof that the car caught on camera
wasn't hers.

A Finance Department spokesman said there's a process
for dealing with mixups, and in this case, it worked
successfully.

Sims isn't so sure. She said while she didn't want to go to
New York City to begin with, she really doesn't want to now.

===========================================

Thanks to Jlona for sending this picture:
Some folks who live in the Goldenview part of the Hillside
area in Anchorage just built this playground in their yard
last weekend for their 3 and 4 year-old boys. The next
morning, the mom woke up to this scene. Four juvenile
black bears. Somewhere in the trees was the mother sow.

Later that same day, a large bull moose moseyed around
in the wood chips, inspecting the area.

It appears they may need to erect a 12-foot fence around
the thing before letting any children out to play there.


===========================================


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    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ellen
Re: Satellite modem

Dear Webby
Can I use a satellite dish like the one advertised farther up
and a satellite modem for our business here in Montana?
Thanks
Ellen

Dear Ellen
Theoretically, yes. Practically, no.
I would not advise satellite modems for business purposes
anywhere north of the Mason/Dixon line. Even though you can
get a beautiful TV picture even up in Alaska, the signal has
to travel through too much polluted air to be able to maintain
a high speed connection reliably at all times in Montana.

Sure, you could use a satellite modem and connect quite
often. However, "quite often" is not good enough for a
business. Even in Florida or Texas or Arizona, practically
directly below the satellite, you need a land line dial-up
back-up for times of bad weather.

That has nothing to do with the satellite dish or the channel
dealer. It's strictly a matter of dirty air and bad weather
interfering with high speed data transfer.

In your area it is probably best to just use the satellite
dish for TV.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Tammy called up the airline ticket counter and asked,
"How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?"

The counterman answered, "Just a minute."

At which, Tammy thanked him and hung up.

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

From Paul:
My wife and I are inseparable.

In fact, last week it took four Mounties and a police dog
to keep us apart

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 22, 2006 - Hannibal, Missouri  - AP

An 80-year-old milk man who delivered to five generations
of residents has reluctantly retired after 70 years of friendly,
prompt service.

At age 10, Clyde Priest began delivering milk to help his
father. By the time he retired 70 years later on July 20,
he had outlived eight local dairies that provided his products.

Priest was so well known and trusted that customers allowed
him to put milk, ice cream and other dairy purchases in
their refrigerator when they weren't home.

"My theory all these years has been: You could buy milk
anywhere, so the only thing I got to sell is my personal
service. That was my philosophy," he said.

An emergency appendectomy in July forced his retirement.
While he recuperated in the hospital, his family made his
last delivery for him.

Priest said the trick to running a successful business is
liking what you do and being willing to put in extra effort.

"I loved every minute of it," he said. "I would say if you
are willing to work and dedicate yourself to it, you can
succeed."

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Rolling Existing Car Loans Into a New Car Purchase
Don't buy a new car if you haven't paid off your old one
unless you have equity accumulated. One common practice
at dealerships is to offer to roll the balance of an
existing loan into the financing for a new car. It usually
creates a situation where you are taking a loan that is
greater than the value of the car you are buying. While
this makes it easy to leave the car lot with a sparkling
new car, it's bad practice for consumers and a financial
boon for dealers and lenders. Anything that is good for
them, is usually bad for you.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

I just came across this old tech support story. Totally
obsolete, but too good to just let it die.
Keep in mind that this is from a very long time ago,
when Windows came on a stack of floppy disks and when
a Mac's standard way of dealing with a PC floppy was to
destroy all data on it and format it.


An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to
install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police,"
so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly,
ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks
for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Cheyenne, Wyoming
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pfc. James J. Arellano at
St. Mary's Cathedral,
100 W. 21st St.,
Cheyenne, Wyoming

Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at
Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd.,
Tucson, Arizona.


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Dear Webby,
I just wanted to thank you for having Babelfish.
I used it for the first time to translate a letter into Dutch,
and am so very pleased, as I have a hard time understanding
my Dutch friends, and I know they must have a bit of a
problem understanding me, as it has been 20 years since
they were in Canada. So thank you for having this on your
page.
Yours truly, Fummer


Amazing what you can find in that side menu!

========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link:
Strangest things in space
http://www.space.com/bestimg/?cat=strangest

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





[ view entry ] ( 846 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 1389 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 27/06 

Good Morning!
Sunday,  Aug 27, 2006
======================================

It is a common delusion that you make things better
by talking about them.
-- Dame Rose Macaulay

Most conversations are simply monologues
delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for this story:
Thibodeau wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question,"
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the
number 9."

"Witout numbers?" Thibodeau says, "Dat is easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,"
says Thibodeau.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

Thibodeau stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each
tree.  "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have
to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same
rules again, but represent the number 100."

Thibodeau stares into space some more, then he picks up
the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each
tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"

Thibodeau leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and says, "A little doggie came along and crap
by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred.
So, when I start?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
    us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Telus.net  for  for inappropriate censorship

The Navy, Airforce and Coastguard have no problem with
the Humor Letter, only the Sniveling Ninnies at the Army
Censorship consider the Humor Letter as too naughty for
the Infantry soldiers. Has somebody been in Fort Huachuca
too long?

===========================================

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes
out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a wanna-be robber in Poggersdorf, Austria

Insufficient homework

August 24, 2006 - Vienna - Reuters
A would-be robber was arrested after he tried to hold up
his local town hall, mistaking it for a bank, Austrian police
said Wednesday.

Wearing a mask and waving a toy pistol, the unemployed man
burst into the town hall in the village of Poggersdorf,
southern Austria, and shouted: "Hold-up, hold-up!"

The building has a sign signaling there is a cash point on
the outside wall, police said. (ATM for paying parking
tickets)

He realized his mistake when an employee explained to him
where he was, police said in a statement, adding he fled to
a nearby forest.

The 34-year-old man was arrested when he came back later
to pick up his motorbike which he had parked outside the
town hall.

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for sending in this picture:



===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
    Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
    http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Darlene
Re: Elongated pictures

Dear Webby
 Love your Humor letter especially the tech help.
You gave some advise on making things larger including
pictures, can't remember when you gave it, I followed the
instructions and things are larger. But my pictures are all
elongated and another thing happened at the same time.
When ever I hit my mouse it makes a loud click from my
desktop when I change pages. Also on my IM the sub-titles
across the top are like high lighted. What did I do wrong
and how do I go back to the way it was?

Thank you
Darlene

Dear Darlene
The reason your pictures appear elongated is probably that
you chose a setting intended for a wide aspect ratio monitor.
Right-click on the desktop,
Properties
Settings
and in there try different resolutions.
I use 1600 x 1200. That looks fine on my monitor
( 14 1/2" x 10 3/4" viewing area ), and when I design a
5" x 6" ad, it measures precisely 5" x 6" on the screen.

So, play with the resolution settings until you find one
that suits your monitor and your eyes.

Re the mouse click, you can set that in the Control Panel,
Mouse.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

A man takes a photo of the front of his house to the local
copy store and asks the clerk to put it on disk for him.
He does.

They are both looking at the monitor to see the results,
and the man asks if the picture can be turned.

"Sure" says the clerk.

The man replies, "Good, I need a shot of the back of my
house also."

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the
same time?

You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing
all over again.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Bonehead for 'dodging traffic' but Kudo for tuening in the money ...

August 24, 2006 - Paddock Lake, Wis. - AP
A sales representative on the way to a business call made
an unscheduled stop - in the middle of the highway - after
noticing the cash swirling around his car.

"I was a little west of Paddock Lake and all of a sudden
there was money flying in my windshield and grill," Ted
Neitzke said.

Neitzke, 58, of Random Lake, said he stopped, got out of
his car and began collecting the bills while dodging the
traffic.

"So here's this guy - me - in the middle of Highway 50 with
a tie picking up money," he said. "It was just kind of
sliding along the road. When a car or truck would drive
by, it would go one way, and when another one would drive
by, it would go the other way."

He managed to pick up a dozen $20 bills and two $1 bills,
a total of $242.

Then he called the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department.

"I was just hoping it wasn't anybody's rent money or
somebody who needed it," he said. "I figured it was the
right thing to do."

The sheriff's report said the money Neitzke collected
about 4:30 p.m. Tuesday was placed in an evidence locker,
and if no one claims it, Neitzke will get it.

Sheriff's spokesman Horace Staples said not everyone would
have turned in the cash.

"When people do that, it's very unique," Staples said.
"Normally people would look around and pocket the money."

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Movie Rewards Cards
If you frequent movie theaters regularly, check and see if
they have a Movie Rewards program. You get points every
time you purchase tickets and when you get enough points,
you get something free like popcorn, a drink or a free
movie ticket. They usually give away small drinks and
popcorns but they'll allow you to upgrade for the difference
in cost which is usually minimal.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling
game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have
to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a
sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was
continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him.
Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could
turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo.
The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that
he could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent " said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F.
Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any
circumstances so she asks Mary.
"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who live
among the flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks
about this and decides "G" is a safe one.
"Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the
flowers too".

"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy
that for once he wasn't out of line.

Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one
who knocks up the fairies!"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.



I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thank you so very much for a wonderful newsletter.
You are makimng a huge difference in many lives.
Joe wardy

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Maracaibo
http://snipurl.com/vjur
http://www.venezuelatuya.com/occidente/maracaiboeng.htm

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby






[ view entry ] ( 2 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.2 / 23 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 26/06 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 26, 2006
======================================

Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it.
-- Helen Keller

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting
the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock
======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to martin for this story:
A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said,
"The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a
people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only
observed their 4,692nd year as a people.
Now what does it mean to you?"

After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand.
"Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?"

"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go
without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
    us.army.mil  for inappropriate censorship
   and
   Yahoo mail  for gross incompetence

===========================================

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young
people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups
and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to
know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up
late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And
tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers,
"How, with an extra dry bran muffin?"

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to two Kansas City crooks

Last Swim

Kansas City, Kansas - AP
A burglary suspect decided to shed his clothes and go for
a swim in an effort to flee from authorities.

Authorities said the whole thing started when they were
called to a home for a report of an armed home invasion
in progress. When they arrived, two men fled, fired shots
at the officers and then eventually ended up near the
Kansas River.

It was there that one man was taken into custody while
trying to scale a fence. The other suspect ran into the
river, took off his clothes and tried swimming away from
authorities.

The suspect swam for 45 minutes as officers looked on from
the shore. Then rescuers in a fire department boat paddled
out to try and apprehend him, but he didn't want to cooperate.

Finally, the man was taken into custody after authorities
chased him down in the water. The two men were in custody
awaiting charges.

===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for sending in this picture of Friday's
storm:


08/25/06

===========================================


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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Chuck
Re: DisKeeper

Dear Webby,
Bonnie seemed concerned about diskeeper. I also have
diskeeper 9, best item money can by for the computer!
I myself just go in a couple times a week and run it
manually. Love to watch it in action. I put it on the
performance header and watch the red disappear!
They have come out with the 10 series, but my nine works
just fine and fast and i'm more than happy!

   I have learned so much from your computer tips.
Thank you!
I have saved 90% of the humor letters over the last couple
of years. I say this because if you ever want to put together
an online or "blast from the past" listing all your tips, which
would go over well with us trying to learn how this machine
works, I will put it to disk and send to you.
Keep up the good work! and thank you for the laughs!
cjw

Dear Chuck
I agree with you 100% that DisKeeper is undisputably the
best hard drive maintenance program, and as essential
to a computer as a helmet is for motorcycle racing. Sure,
some people have nothing up there worth protecting, but
for those of us who do, DisKeeper is a real bargain. That
is why I have featured it in the side menu for so many years.

Regarding old tech tips, as soon as we get the new, metric
100 hour days, I definitely want to put them all into one
condensed collection.

In the meantime I started a Blog at
http://webby.com/humor/blog
to make it easy to look up previous Humor Letters. Until I
figure out how to slide older ones behind the new ones,
I will just add the new ones every day.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

Rosy and Nina were best of friends and did everything to-
gether. Rosy announced that she was going to start a diet
to lose some pounds.

"Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We
can be diet buddies and help each other out. When I feel
the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call
you first."

"Great," Rosy replied. "Let's go to Burger King!"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Thanks to Mike for this story:
I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner
one evening for a "guy night".

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what
are these little things on the hamburger buns?"

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he
was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and
plant these hamburger seeds in our backyard, we will have
enough hamburgers to last forever."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Newport Beach, California - AP
A woman saved her 13-year-old son's life after following a
hunch that the 4-foot deep trench he was digging, collapsed
on him, officials said.

Dylan Scott was recovering at home Monday from the scrapes
and bruises he sustained when the sand fell in on him.

''It's creepy,'' he said. ''I just remember something really
heavy fell on me.''

Wendy Scott, 41, said she didn't see Dylan when she
retuned to the beach after briefly joining her 10-year old
in the water Sunday.

Other beach visitors told her Dylan had gone swimming,
but she sensed he was buried in the sand, she said.

Onlookers began helping her dig when she clawed through
the sand and touched Dylan's head, she said.

The boy wasn't breathing and had turned blue by the time
rescuers arrived, she said. He was revived at a hospital.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Ziploc Bags for Outfits 
I have two preschool daughters. When we travel, I pack
outfits in gallon sized ziploc bags. I include top, shorts,
underwear and socks. That way, they can take a pack and
dress themselves and I don't have to sort through all of
the clothes each day. This really helps since they wear
similar sizes and it's hard to keep them separated. - Ann
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and
everyone was encouraged to bring their children.  All during
the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl
stared at the man sitting across from her.  The girl could
hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted
his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at
him.  He tried his best to just ignore her, but finally it
was too much for him. He asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the
table went quiet for her response.  The little girl said,
"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at
Russellville Christian Church,
1681 Highway 35,
St. Stephen, South Carolina

Sat. Aug. 26  at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at
St. Patrick's Catholic Church,
1031 Main St.,
Onalaska, Wisconsin.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan

Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at
Hooker Creek Event Center,
Deschutes Co. Fairground,
Redmond, Oregon

Tuesday, August 29  at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at
First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road,
Hiawatha, Kansas.



I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight,
insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost
urgency.  An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
The governor grumbled as he answered the phone and said,
"So, what is it?"

"Judge Quincy has just died," the attorney told him,
"and I want to take his place."

The governor said, "Well, that's okay with me,
if it's okay with the undertaker."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Foto Community
http://www.fotocommunity.com/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





[ view entry ] ( 246 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.4 / 23 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 25/06 

Good Morning !
Friday,  Aug 25, 2006
======================================

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
-- Marshall McLuhan

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who
mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-- Dr. Seuss

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel,
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid
eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"Plese tell me, do I come here often?"

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
 us.army.mil
  and
 Yahoo.com
  for censoring the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Martin for this story:
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the \
"seniors's special"     was two eggs, bacon, hash browns
and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned
her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife
asked incredulously.
"YES!!"
"I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.

===========================================

Give a friend
a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Mardin Azad Amin, 29 in Chicago

Brainless Bomber

August 23, 2006
Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze when
security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious looking
object in his luggage.

So, Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He
told security the object was a bomb, Cook County
prosecutors say.

The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said
to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke,
prosecutors say.

In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the
black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component
for a penis pump.

All the same, Amin was charged with felony disorderly
conduct and faces up to three years in prison if convicted,
said Andrew Conklin, a spokesman with the Cook County
state attorney's office. Amin is due in court today for a
preliminary hearing, Conklin said.

Amin eventually told investigators he'd lied about the
object's true use because his mother was standing nearby
when the object was discovered and he didn't want her to
know about it, Cook County Assistant State's Attorney
Lorraine Scaduto said during a bond hearing last week.

The incident occurred Aug. 16 as Amin was set to catch a
flight to Turkey, Scaduto said.

Amin has no known criminal history, Scaduto said.

===========================================

Thanks to my dad for sending in these pictures:


Ferocactus-hamanthacanthus. This one bloomed today.
It is now 30 years old and 25 cm (10") diameter.

===========================================


    Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
    Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
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    We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bonnie
Re: Diskeeper Manual

Hi Webby,

Love your newsletters!  I am interested in the Diskeeper,
and opened the online manual to become familiar with it
before using the trialware or purchase. It sounds like a
very efficient defragmenter however very complicated
to get it to work properly.

You made it sound so simple.  The manual for the home
edition is 75 pages long and sounds very complicated.
If it is Set It and Forget It - why 75 pages of instructions.
Would it be possible to place in your newsletter,
abbreviated or simplified overview, set up, or something
regarding the product.

Thanks, and keeping up the good work!
An avid reader,
Bonnie

Dear Bonnie
I didn't even know they had a manual!
Never needed one.
All I ever do is download it whenever we get a new machine,
(or my secretary does), and elbow the Enter key a bunch of
times to accept the defaults.

I have been sorta vaguely aware that there probably are
various options for complicating life, but have never been
bored enough to waste time on them.

The defaults are set so that it takes care of everything
with a minimum of fuss, and it does it in the background
whenever the screen saver comes on. That suits me fine.

I doubt very much that your machine is so exceptional, that
you will need to study the manual to cope with those exceptions.
Just elbow it in and let it run.

By the way, you don't have to buy a fresh registration to
move Diskeeper to a new machine, just when you add
another machine to the office or home, and want individual
home versions on each.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

    DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
    no product of your own and no service  required! Take
    a look now and find out how you can start taking home
    the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
    http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little
five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet.
Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him
sobbing.

"What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father.

Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a good Christian home,
but, but, but I want to stay with you guys!"

==========================================

    Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
    100% Guarantee & Free shipping
    Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
    Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
    http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Di Ann had been divorced for a few years and very lonely,
and finally consented to going out on a date with Tony, the
gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.

Tony picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very
secluded spot.

Tony also had been divorced for a long time and found
himself very attracted to Di Ann, and despite her resistance
to his advances at first, he finally was able to make love
to her.

Later, Di Ann was mortified at her lack of self control
and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter,
knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Tony said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Di Ann looked at Tony and said, "...Well, you're going to
do it again, aren't you?"

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 14, 2006 - Portage, Indiana - IBS

Porter Superior Judge Julia Jent is sentencing the ticketed
teens to the embarrassment of riding the school bus, if
they are found guilty in her courtroom.

Jent got the idea after a girl in her court for a moving
traffic violation appeared not to take seriously either
the offense or the possible fine.

The judge, who has teenage grandchildren, said she knew
she had reached the teen when she ordered her to park her
car and ride the school bus and the girl started crying
outside her courtroom. With that, she figured she found
the right punishment.

Teens not complying will be fined and have their licenses
suspended.

Jent also warns parents they could be held in contempt of
court if they drive their child to school.

Jent said making teenagers ride the bus also makes them
take their driving violations seriously.

Jent sent a memo to every law enforcement agency in her
jurisdiction, telling them that all moving traffic citations
involving drivers age 16 to 18 must be seen by her. She
doesn't want their parents to pay a fine or have teens pay
the fine and not tell mom and dad.

If the teens violate the order to ride the bus, their driver's
license will be suspended, and a fine must be paid. If they
follow the order, the matter is dismissed.

Of the dozen or so teens who were given the school-bus
orders so far, one was ordered to nine weeks of school-bus
riding. Another had total driving restrictions for an entire
semester, according to the North West Indiana Times.

"Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her
mother the death penalty," Jent told the paper.

The punishment is legal. The state statute allows a judge
to place any violator on probationary conditions, including
license suspensions.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Record Driving Directions
I use my car's cassette player to "read" directions for me.
I make the tape ahead of time, and start and stop it as
needed along the way. This is especially good if
someone has given you directions to their home, etc. - Pat
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Check out their new Blog" target="_blank" >http://www.myfrugallife.com">Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on
display at the department store.
"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.
"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.
"What's it for?"
"It's a cussing machine," the second boy answered.
"Every time she stands on it she gets really mad and starts
cussing at me or dad."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at
Russellville Christian Church,
1681 Highway 35,
St. Stephen, South Carolina

Sat. Aug. 26  at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at
St. Patrick's Catholic Church,
1031 Main St.,
Onalaska, Wisconsin.

Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at
Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church,
40000 6-mile Rd.,
Northville, Michigan


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Leroy was visiting a friend in the hospital.
He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on
an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to
him with a snarl, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.'

"Leroy said, " Lady, I'm not smoking."

"But you have a cigar in your mouth!", the woman said.

"'Lady",  Leroy answered, "I'm wearing Jockey shorts,
too, but I don't ride horses indoors either."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Lady Beetles
http://tinyurl.com/5ljeh
http://www.nysaes.cornell.edu/ent/bioco ... intro.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby





[ view entry ] ( 886 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 2.9 / 27 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 24/06 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 24, 2006
======================================

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
-- Susan Ertz

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
-- Dan Quayle

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and
pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims
since then.

===========================================

Thanks to David for this story:
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send
a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete
fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar
situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written
then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details,
the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly.
"We won't even need to change the name."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Ulysse Maillet and the Montreal Gazzette

Who's the bigger Bonehead ?
Gazette Goof or Whining Weenie ?

August 22, 2006 - Montreal - Canadian Press

What are the odds of believing you've won the Lotto
6-49 jackpot for a few hours and then realizing your
numbers were wrong?

Ulysse Maillet thought he'd won a share of the
$42-million prize on Aug. 12 after he checked the list of
winning lottery numbers the next day in the Montreal Gazette.

But it turns out the numbers were a repeat of the winning
numbers from the 6-49 draw three days earlier. There was
no disclaimer at the bottom of the page telling readers to
officially check their numbers with the lottery.

Maillet was back at work on Monday after taking a week off
to deal with the shock of realizing he was not $10 million
richer.

"That's what I really had won as far as I was concerned for
four or five hours," Maillet said in an interview. "Everybody
was saying what are the chances of something like this
happening."

Now Maillet is seeking "a fair settlement" from the
newspaper for the "devastation" he says he suffered.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for sending in this picture:



===========================================


Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
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==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Leesa
Re: PPS

Dear Webby
I see someone else has questions about PPS files today,
so thought I'd ask you about this one.  I love these pictures,
and would like to use them as my desktop wall paper......
one at a time, of course.  How can I save them individually
into my wallpaper folder?  Obviously, I can't right click
'cause the save option isn't there.

Appreciate your help, again.

Have a wonderful day.

Leesa

Dear Leesa
You need a graphics program like for example PSP
(PaintShopPro) for that.
Open that, then open the PPS slide show. When you
get to a picture that you want, hit the PrintScreen key.
That prints the picture into the clipboard.

Then use ALT ESC to jump to PSP, hit CTRL V to paste
the clipboard as a new picture. Save the picture and zoom
the view down to thumbnail size. (Just the view, not the
picture size.)

ALT ESC back to the PPS slide show, proceed until you get
to the next picture that you want, and repeat the procedure.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with
no product of your own and no service  required! Take
a look now and find out how you can start taking home
the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to
http://jos.org/donevin

===========================================

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,
"Crushed nuts?"

"Nope," he replied, "Arthritis..

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business
much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge
sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his
right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,
reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.
He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:

MAIN ENTRANCE.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 22, 2006 - Isabela, Puerto Rico - AP

The world's oldest person celebrated his 115th birthday
Monday, offering advice on healthy living at a party where
he was serenaded by a well-known Puerto Rican singer.

Emiliano Mercado del Toro, who was a boy when the
United States seized Puerto Rico from Spain in 1898,
attributed his long life to a healthy diet and avoiding alcohol.

"I never damaged my body with liquor," said Mercado, who
quit a 76-year smoking habit when he was 90.

Mercado was declared the world's oldest person by the
Guinness Book of Records last year.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Carry Extra Zip-Lock Bags When Traveling
When you travel, throw in a few extra zip-lock bags.
They are great for wet swimsuits, a half-full bottle of
shampoo, some animal crackers for the car, or even to
fill with ice at the motel to use in the cooler while you
drive. - Kate
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

I also use them for e-tickets, maps, map-quest print-outs,
and rental car paperwork. When hiking, I use them for
keeping the camera dry in sudden rain squalls, and quite
often I have filled them with berries or mushrooms I found
on route.
DearWebby

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

Keli was having trouble with her computer. So she called
Paul, the computer guy, over to her desk. Paul clicked a
couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking
away, Keli called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And Paul replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Keli's face.
"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix
it again??"

Paul gave her a grin...
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Keli.

"Write it down," Paul said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:

The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to
top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was
hanging out of the open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around
the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your
breast exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her
uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything
back when they're through using it!"

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Panoramas
http://snipurl.com/vdiv
http://www.trekearth.com/photos.php?filter=panoramas

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !

Dear Webby



[ view entry ] ( 988 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 23 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 23/06 

Good Morning!
Wednesday,  Aug 23, 2006
======================================

 "Ability is what you're capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it."
-- Lou Holtz

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Kids in the back seat cause accidents,
and accidents in the back seat cause kids.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims
since then.

===========================================

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided
to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the
entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have
a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the
gynecologist and see if the problem was with her.

She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The
doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will
be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband
got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT

Backdrop more interesting than the news

August 22, 2006 - Sweden - The Scotsman
Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT, faced ridicule yesterday
after mistakenly showing a pornographic film in the
background of a news broadcast.

Viewers watching a five-minute bulletin at midnight on
Saturday could see explicit scenes from a Czech blue
movie on a TV screen behind the newsreader, Peter Dahlgren.

The monitor - one of many on the wall of a control room
visible behind the studio - normally shows other news
channels during broadcasts.

But staff who had earlier watched a sports event on the
cable channel Canal Plus, which often shows X-rated films
after midnight, had forgotten to switch it back, Per Yng,
SVT's news director, said.

"This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," he said.
"It must not happen again."

A producer quickly spotted the sex scenes and ran into the
control room and turned off the monitor, Mr Yng said.

He said there had been no complaints from viewers about
the mishap, but "enormous interest from media".
Swedish newspapers yesterday poked fun at the program,
changing its name from Rapport to "Rapporn".

===========================================



===========================================


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Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: PPS

Dear Webby
...'sme again.  Is there some way to forward something to
a person that is still using Windows 98 when I'm on XP?
I have sent a PPS file to my friend but he cannot open it.
I think because he is still using 98.  Do I have to save
the data to my computer and then send each thing one at
a time?  I am forwarding the email to you separately
because it is so incredible and I think you will appreciate
it.  Thanks for you help.
Hugs   Ann

Dear Ann
Windows 98 has nothing to do with that.
All he needs is the normal pps PowerPoint viewer.
He can get it free from Microsoft.

The easiest way to get it is to go to
http://webby.com/pps

That forwards to the mile long link at Microsoft.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

Whoops!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of thef parachuting
enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please
make the following correction: on page 8, line 7,
the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a
battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We
obviously meant that the talk was given by a
bottle-scarred hero.

Miss Rumson has been appointed supervisor of
Work Area Six, not (as stated in our last issue)
Work Area Sex

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

The maiden aunt is visiting her family for the holidays.
One night, the talk around the dinner table turns to what
the older people did when they were young.

The aunt interrupts and says, "I don't want to talk about my
girlhood."

"Why, auntie?" one of her nephews asks. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," says the older woman. "That's why I don't want
to talk about it."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 22, 2006 - Spiceland, Indiana - AP
A postcard that a mother mailed to her son in 1948 was
finally delivered to the recipient - but only after the town's
postmaster bought it on eBay.

Spiceland Postmaster Judy Dishman, who is away from her
office on leave, bought the postcard because it featured a
country view of the Spiceland area, about 65 kilometres
east of Indianapolis. Dishman noticed the postcard was
addressed to 82-year-old Charles "Rocky" Rose of Spiceland,
so she delivered it.

The card was from Rose's late mother, Dollie Rose. The
mother and son used penny postcards to exchange news
during the 1940s, while the son was working in Lima, Ohio,
and the mother was in Spiceland, about 160 kilometres west.

Part of the address is crossed out, and Rose isn't sure why
the postcard was never mailed or where it has been for the
last 58 years. The postcard reads in part,
"Hi Buddy. How's my boy? Fine I hope."

To Rocky Rose, the words are priceless.
"I wouldn't sell it for nothing on earth," he said.

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Baby Powder for Sand
Carry baby powder with you to the sandbox or beach.
After the children get off the of sand, sprinkle them with
the baby powder. It dries up the sand and causes it to
fall right off! No more tracking sand in the house or car!
- Amy
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know
what we mean by sins of omission?"

A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have
committed, but didn't?"

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m.  Brooklyn, N.Y.
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at
Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church,
2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy.,
Brooklyn, N.Y.

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to harass the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to harass the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday
and she declared: "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her
mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when
they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Oshkosh Trip
http://silvairehair2.home.comcast.net/072806/

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN 

Dear Webby




[ view entry ] ( 970 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3 / 1773 )
Humor Letter 8/22/06 NotifyAlert 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 22, 2006
======================================

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
-- Ralph W. Sockman

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
-- Leo Rosten

======================================
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

Thanks to Roberta for this story:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!",
she screamed, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!"

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd Saturday's, Sunday's and Monday's
mail for most of their victims.

===========================================

The farmer took pity on a young passerby and
agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment
was to paint the barn, which he did, including the
tail of the donkey that poked through knot hole
in the barn. The farmer was furious, but promised
to give the boy another chance.

This time he told him to string barb wire around
the farm land, which he did, but when the rooster
wouldn't stay out of the way he nailed him by
accident to the fence post. The farmer this time
was more furious that the last time, but again
promised to give the boy one last chance.

This time he told him to mow the yard, which he
did, but the grass was so high he didn't see
the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the
poor kitty over, hurting him badly.

The farmer got so furious this time he called
the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked
the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested.

"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he
painted my ass red, Next he nailed my cock to
the fence and finally, he ran over my wife's
pussy with a lawn mower!"

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Leli, 18 of Suffolk County, NY

Expensive ticket!

August 20, 2006 - New York - AP
A Suffolk County teenager loved the Mets so much that
authorities say he posed as a reporter to get into Shea
Stadium and talk with players.

Police arrested the 18-year-old Leli Friday night at Shea
just before the start of the New York Mets-Colorado Rockies
game and charged him with impersonating a journalist,
the Queens District Attorney announced Saturday.

Prosecutors say Leli told New York Mets management
that he worked for NBC Universal and showed a fake NBC
employee identification card so he could get press
credentials.

Leli first used the press pass to attend an Aug. 10 game
between the Mets and the San Diego Padres. Authorities
said Leli used the pass to approach and chat with players
including Mike Piazza before and after that game.

Leli used the fake NBC identification again Friday to get
another press pass for the Mets-Rockies game.

Mets management apparently became suspicious and
contacted authorities.

Leli was also charged with criminal possession of a forged
instrument, falsifying business records, larceny, criminal
possession of stolen property, criminal impersonation
and criminal trespass.

He was arraigned Saturday in Queens Criminal Court
and released on his own recognizance.

Leli was scheduled to return to court on Sept. 27. He faces
up to seven years in prison.

===========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this picture of the Dolomites


===========================================


Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Debi
Re: NotifyAlert.exe

I enjoy your newsletter every day!  Today I have a computer
question that has been bugging my computer for some time.
I continually get a “Notifyalert.exe.common language
runtime debugging service”  Application has generated an
exception that could not be handled.  Processid=Oxd8(3288),
thread id= Oxda8 (3496),  Click ok to terminate application.
Or, click cancel to debug the application.  No matter what
I do, I can not get rid of this.  I have done all the normal stuff
to get rid of this, any suggestions would be greatly
appreciated.  Thanks again for your great humor each and
every day!
Debi

Dear Debi
The NotifyAlert.exe is something DELL puts onto their
computer, so that they can pop a message whenever they
have something new to sell you. Even though you paid cash
for your computer, they treat you as if you have an ad
supported freebie.

On newer computers that come with XP-SP2 pre-installed,
you can usually turn that off through the
“Quick Links \ Settings”  option in Dell Support
(“Start \ Programs \ Dell Applications \ Support \ Support”).

If the NotifyAlert.exe is from before XP-SP2, then you
usually will have a problem sooner or later, if you have
not turned that off before the SP-2 upgrade or whatever
security patch conflicts with it.

Personally, I can't blame Windows for for getting
suspicious and uncooperative when some uninvited ads
come barging in. The users demanded protection from
that sort of stuff, and Windows obligingly provides it.

If you can't turn the NotifyAlert off, just go into
Control Panel
Add/Remove Programs
and dump DELL Support.
Your machine probably is out of warranty anyway,
but according to all the forums, DELL can't help you
with that problem anyway.

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

My friend Chad, the author of "No-Bull Gunfighting" has a
birthday today. So I'll give him a plug for his famous
TAG: Tactical Achievement of Goals
Unleash The Warrior Within You

You can order that special report at
http://tinyurl.com/f82ce

Happy Birthday, Chad!

==========================================

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with
breeding to make a perfect turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but
there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general
store.

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch him!"

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Thanks to Lisa for this story:
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines.  It was my
first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines
operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee.
"How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin
button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,
"Usually at the ATM machine down there....."

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
Janesville, Wisconsin - AP
Not even triple-bypass surgery has kept Rita Roherty from
the shotgun shooting that has been her life's passion.
The 82-year-old great-grandmother underwent surgery
last year, and then recovered to win a bronze medal in
the women's shooting division of the Badger State Games
in June.

She hit 91 of 100 clay pigeons to take third place in the
competition, three years after winning the gold.

''When a gun fits you, it don't kick,'' she said of her pet
Browning Lightning 12-gauge over-under shotgun.

Roherty, born Rita McAuliffe in 1923, had 14 children in
28 years of marriage before her husband, Donald Glynn,
died.

Then she met George Roherty, who took her trap shooting
on the couple's first date in 1973.
''It was a very good couples thing to do,'' she said.

She says she shoots because she likes competing. When
she won her gold medal in shooting, she hit enough clay
pigeons to tie a woman half her age, then won in a
shoot-off by hitting all 10 pigeons, she recalled.

She said she intends to keep shooting as long as she can
still hold the gun, and she'll take on men as well as women.
But be forewarned: Roherty admits she sometimes can't
resist asking competitors, ''You let an old lady beat you?''

=============================================


The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tablecloths for Fabric
If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at
garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain
or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use
for other projects. Tablecloths come in a variety of
thicknesses, sizes and patterns so you can find fabric
for a variety of projects.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A Texan is bragging to his cousin in Montana. "On mah fahrm
in Taxas," he drawls, "I can git on mah tractor, ride all
daiy long, and still be on mah fahrm by nightfohl."

"Yeah", replies his cousin, "I know what you mean. I once
used to have a John Deere tractor like that too."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


 Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m.  Kansas City, Missouri
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at
Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home,
10507 Holmes Rd.,
Kansas City, Missouri

Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at
St. Francis DeSales Church,
139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd.,
Belle Harbor, New York

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

Thanks to Mona for this story:
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress,
he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching
post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me.
"I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently
"trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched,
my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he
wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

========================================

Thanks to Kim for this Bonus Link:
Battle of the frogs
http://ctamp.homestead.com/ThreadCityXingFrogs.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby




[ view entry ] ( 261 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 15 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter Aug 21 / 06 

Good Morning !
Monday,  Aug 21, 2006

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
categories - those that don't work, those that break down and
those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================

"Oh Doctor, My husband thinks he is a chicken."
"Oh no - how long has this been going on?"
"About a year!"
"A year! Why did you wait so long to come see me?"
"Well, we needed the eggs."

===========================================

  A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
  Yahoo.com
  for gross incompetence in mail handling.
  They managed to deliver Friday's mail,
then yahoo'd Saturday's and Sunday's mail for most of their victims.

===========================================

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was
asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly
skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave
home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom."

===========================================

Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Detlef Federsohn, 23, in Vienna, Austria

Not ready for real life

August 18, 2006 - Vienna, Austria - Ananova
A young Austrian convict missed prison so much after his
release that he tried to break back in.

Detlef Federsohn, 23, was released from the Josefstadt
prison in the Austrian capital Vienna after serving two years
for theft.

But he was arrested last week when police were called out
to a suspected prison break after he was spotted on the
roof of the jail.

Federsohn said: "Life is so much easier on the inside. They
feed you, do your washing and let you watch TV, which I can
tell you is a lot more than my mum does. So I thought if I could
sneak back in I would blend in with the others and the screws
wouldn't notice."

===========================================

Thanks to Ross, who likes his salad VERY fresh, for this
picture:


===========================================


Get Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month
Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation
Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems
We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer!
http://www.AFreeDish.com


==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Tuck
Re: Get rid of Windows log-on prompt

 Dear Webby:

  You have a great newsletter it is the first one I read every day
keep up the good work.
I seem to have run into a bit of a problem and am not quiet
sure how to resolve it.
When I turn on my computer it normally boots up to the Desktop
and you can proceed from there what you want to do.
Now when I turn on my computer it boots up to the shutdown screen
and asks to turn off my computer or to log on as Tuck and you can
change your log on preferences after the computer boots up.
Hasn't been doing this.
Have tried error checking, disk defragment, run all my maintenance
tools.
Spybot Found a few nasties. but that didn't help either, removed them.
Booted up in safe mood and selected normal start up, nothing seems
to work.
How do I get it changed back to the way it normally is supposed to
boot up?
I am at a loss as to why it is booting up differently, any help you can
give me will be greatly appreciated never had this to happen before.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Thanks
Tuck

Dear Tuck
Try the solution shown here:
http://snipurl.com/v94v

Have FUN!
DearWebby

==========================================

A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington.
The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And
another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. IF you
are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121."

Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the
matter? You look as though you don't understand."

"Oh, nohtin , Senor," the new page said. "I jus donnow how to
dial ta capital four!"

==========================================

Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================

Thanks to Connie for this:
My mother-in-law says that she can not understand how the lackluster, low
mentality, loser that her daughter had the misfortune to marry could have
produced such smart, intelligent, beautiful, and wonderful grandchildren.
She is inclined to believe that genetics skips every other generation.
Therefore she is not holding out much hope for her great-grandchildren.

===========================================

Deeli's Kudos
August 18, 2006 - Wichita, Kansas - IBS

A perfect score on the American College Testing exam (ACT)
is rare enough.

The same goes for perfection on the SAT Reasoning Test.

But acing both? That's what a high school senior in Wichita
has accomplished -- 17-year-old Jakub Voboril of Bishop
Carroll High School said he scored a perfect 36 on the ACT
and a 2,400 on the SAT in the same week in June.

"It wasn't so much a feeling of, 'Wow, I'm shocked,' because
I went in thinking I could do this," Jakub told The Wichita Eagle.
"So it's just a good feeling. I'm really happy."

His perfect score on the ACT test is one of only two in
Kansas. It came after he scored 32 and 34 on his first two
tries. Jakub learned of his perfect SAT score soon after
hearing about his other ace.

=============================================

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.
Outlook Depressed patch

=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Leftover Cereal for Casseroles
Use leftover or stale cereal as a casserole topper. Just
crumble it up and use in place of or in addition to crackers.
Not all types of cereal work well for this. For example,
Fruit Loops (or other sweetened cereal) probably wouldn't
work well as a casserole topper, but cheerios and corn
flakes can taste fantastic.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive.

"Dead," she was informed.

"How do you know?", she asked.

"Because I pssed in his ear and it didn't move," said the
child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went
'pssst' and he didn't move."

========================================

Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts

The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.


Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at
Huber Heights Funeral Home,
5844 Old Troy Pike,
Huber Heights, Ohio

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon


I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.

DearWebby

========================================

To find a real bugler for military funerals,
browse to
Buglers

========================================

From Chuck W

Dear Webby,
my dear friend Sheila sent me the attached email. I laughed
my butt off. thought you might like to print it.
Have her permission in the attachments.

Speaking of Jackie, his two sons, Aaron and Ty, spent the
night with me last week.  Aaron always writes me a story
when here, and Ty-Ty likes for me to scan and print cartoon
pages he can color.  I always give them folders to put their
work in.

When they got home, Marijane was unpacking their bag and
said she nearly fainted.  Ty-Ty had two folders -- one was
clearly marked "fineshit" and the other "unfineshit."

She said she called him in and shrieked, "What is this --
what IS this!?"

Ty-Ty looked at her, clearly puzzled.  "That one," he said,
pointing to the first one, is "finished,"
and that one is "unfinished."

Don't you just love grandkids?

Sure...send away...if I had collected all the funny Ty-Ty things
over his 8 years, I would have a wonderful book.  He's the
one I told you about that I couldn't find one day...I ran into the
back yard and saw him at the top of a tree.  I started running
in circles, screaming for him to come down, to be careful. etc.,
in a state of hysteria.

He called down reassuringly -- "Don't worry Nanny -
I'm a CONfessional tree climber...."

========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Freight Train Graffiti
http://www.misterw.com/Freights01.html
and
http://www.graffiti.org/faq/ftg/freight ... ffiti.html

========================================

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!

Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby



[ view entry ] ( 198 views )   |  permalink  |  print article  |   ( 3.1 / 19 )
Dear Webby Humor Letter, Aug 19/06 


Good Morning,  Text-Start !
Saturday,  Aug 19, 2006
======================================


All human beings should try to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber


Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to
an understanding of ourselves.
-- Carl Jung


======================================
Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!
===========================================


It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had
pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about
fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and
disheveled.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.


"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.


The other camper laughed and retorted, "Those black snakes
aren't deadly."


"Listen," groaned Jed,  "If he can make you jump off a
fifty-foot cliff, he is!!!!"


===========================================


 A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to
 Censorship at us.army.mil
 for being overprotective of the fighting
 forces and censoring the Humor Letter.


===========================================


A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch.
When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says,
"If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody
else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll
take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever
shoots it."


The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he
hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He
rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a
cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright
- you can have your freaking deer!  Just lemme get
my saddle off it....!"


===========================================


Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to 3 poor sports in Danielsville, Georgia

Wrong place to fish!

August 17, 2006 - Danielsville, Georgia - AP
Fishing in someone else's well-stocked fish pond without
permission isn't a good idea -- especially if that pond
belongs to the sheriff.


Three men spent the better part of four days in the Madison
County, Ga., jail after being charged with fishing in a pond
without the owner's permission. The pond is owned by
Madison County Sheriff Clayton Lowe.


A state conservation ranger Saturday arrested Brian Keith
Wallace, 35, Michael Shannon Fricks, 32, and Christopher
Carldon Wallace, 37, on the misdemeanor charge. Lowe
said they were released Tuesday after paying a fine.


Lowe said he stocked the pond with about $1,200 worth of
catfish and bream last spring to give disabled children a
fun day outside fishing. But sometime before the fishing
day, someone drove a four-wheel all-terrain vehicle under
a cable stretched across the road leading to the pond and
began catching the fish.


The sheriff paid $360 to restock the pond before the
children's fishing day.
"It all worked out. They caught plenty of fish," he said.


===========================================


Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:





===========================================



Free Dish network Satellite TV
         Free equipment & installation
                  National Dishnetwork Retailer
                              Become Dish network affiliate
http://www.AFreeDish.com
http://www.AFreeDish.com



==================================
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Erika
Re: Laptop and air travel

Dear Webby,
Considering the new restrictions, what do you recommend
re laptops, especially if they have to go into the checked
luggage?
Erika

Dear Erika
Take out the hard drive and put it into your purse or wallet.
You can even get padded drive wallets made for USB drives.
Laptop drives are small enough that you can easily jam them
into even a very tight camera case.


All you need to take it out and put it back in is a small Phillips
screwdriver. The type that looks like a short pencil and goes
on a key ring is ideal, but a key, with the edges at the tip
sharpened a bit, works fine too.


The rest of the laptop is replaceable.


Don't get one of thoe fancy show-off Zero-Halliburton padded
metal cases! Their locks are not TSA approved and your laptop
may stay behind while you travel. A fancy case will just tempt
somebody to rip it off.


When I travel, I take along a piece of 5mm (3/16") Lexan,
precision cut with rounded corners to just fit into my big
carry-on. Well, it used to be my carry-on, now it gets
checked in. Hotels usually have low chairs and high tables
unsuitable for laptops. So I jam that Lexan into a slightly
opened dresser or night-stand drawer, and have a perfect
laptop table.


It also protects the contents of the carry-on.


When you pack, keep in mind that when the baggage handlers
slam the luggage onto the conveyor, they do it with the top
down and wheels UP. With the top protected by the Lexan
(or plexiglass) and the bottom by the wheel and handle
framework, and the laptop somewhere in the middle,
cushioned by clothes, it's quite safe.


If you do have one of those fancy cases with stiff, high
density black foam inside, rip that foam out and throw it
away. At impact speed from dropping it, it's as hard as oak,
and can wreck your laptop. Keep in mind that a laptop has
almost 200 square inches of surface on each side. Will the
foam compress if you stand on the laptop? The black high-
density foam won't. Just use tee shirts, a blanket or any
soft clothing instead, or the softest foam you can find.

Those fancy hard shell laptop cases are fine for bus and
subway, but in my opinion not suitable for today's air
travel.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


==========================================


 A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says
to his  friend, "I'm a walking economy."


 His friend replies, "How's that?"


 "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach
is a  victim of inflation, and the combination of these
factors is putting  me into a depression."


==========================================

      Discount inkjet cartridges & toner cartridges
      Inkjet Refill Kits at lowest prices.
      HP & Lexmark ink cartridges
      Save up to 70% on printer ink
      http://www.Ask4Ink.com
      http://www.Ask4Ink.com

==========================================


 There was a university in New England where the students operated
 a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were
 papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished
 student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for
 an A grade, B grade, and C grade.


 One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular
 pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he
 took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed
 the work in.


 In due course he received it back with the professor's comments.


 "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was
 worth an A, and now I'm pleased to give it one!"


===========================================


Deeli's Kudos
August 16, 2006 - New Orleans - AP
 U.S. Rep. Bobby Jindal, of Louisiana, used to dream of
becoming a doctor. Tuesday, he got a chance to act like one.
Jindal barely had time to call 911 after his wife woke up
with labor pains. A few minutes later, he helped deliver
his own son.


Slade Ryan Jindal arrived before the ambulance did, at
about 3:25 a.m.


Jindal, who was coached over the phone by a nurse, put the
baby in his wife's arms and tied off the umbilical cord with
a shoestring.


The couple's two other children slept through the birth,
according to a Jindal spokesman.


The child is the couple's third and was born two days before
his due date, but weighed in at a healthy 8 pounds, 2 ounces.


Mother and baby are resting comfortably at a Louisiana hospital.

=============================================

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips
are a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
You can post your questions there and read current and past
queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at
empress@fire-cat.com,  and she will post it into the blog for you.
Outlook Depressed patch


=============================================

Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Refinancing - Points Vs. No Points
When refinancing a home mortgage you will get a lower interest
rate if you agree to pay 1 or 2 "points".   The loan manager may
offer you "6.75% with no points" or "6.25% with 2 points".  2
points means that you will have to pay 2% of the total amount of
the mortgage to the lender in addition to any closing costs.  On
a $200,000 loan, that's $4,000.  Even with the lower interest
rate, It can take 5 to 10 years to cover that additional
expense.  So if you aren't going to be in a house long term,
it's better pass on the points.
Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com

Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:
ThriftyFun
http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml 
Subscribe and get access to their new
Printable Coupon page!
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests!
Contest

If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>

========================================


A man was sued by a woman for defamation
of character.  She charged that he had called
her a pig.  The man was found guilty and fined.


After the trial he asked the judge, "This means
that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"  The
judge said that was true.


"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs.
Johnson?" the man asked.  The judge replied
that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson
with no fear of legal action.


The man then proceeded to look directly at
Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon,
Mrs. Johnson."


========================================


Pervert Alert

If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the
families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts


The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of
fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that
their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws.

Saturday, August 19 at 7:15 a.m., Killeen, TX.
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Kenneth A. Jenkins at
Crawford- Bowers Funeral Home,
1615 S. Fort Hood St.,
Killeen, TX.

Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at
Huber Heights Funeral Home,
5844 Old Troy Pike,
Huber Heights, Ohio

Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon
Perverts plan to picket the memorial for
Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at
Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave.,
Hood River, Oregon



I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military
hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU.
However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved
families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely
nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -,
from those despicable Westboro perverts.


DearWebby

========================================

To find a bugler for military funerals,
browse to
http://www.buglesacrossamerica.org/volunteer.php


========================================

From Wade


Friday, August 18 at 10:45 a.m. Seattle, Wash.
Perverts plan to picket the funeral for
Army Staff Sgt. Tracy L. Melvin
at Yarrington White Center Funeral Home,
10708 16th Ave. SW,
Seattle, Wash.


My family and I are on vacation when we got word of this
funeral, we were in the Seattle area so we purchased flags
and joined with the Patriot Guard for the morning to honor
this soldier. I am happy to report that no perverts ventured
this far north, and it was a respectful service.
Wade


========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link:
Worldwide Disaster Alert Map
http://snipurl.com/v62s

========================================


Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
 Thanks for your votes!


Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
========================================

Well, Text-Start, that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby







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