Good Morning, ! Saturday, September 2, 2006 ====================================== It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy. -- George Horace Lorimer Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so. -- Bertrand Russell ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo mail for gross incompetence Telus.net for inappropriate censorship =========================================== Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect! Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pepsi and University of Florida 20,000 Shirts goofed up August 31, 2006 - Gainesville, Florida - AP Thousands of Gator T-shirts are going back in the box because of a mix up. Roman numerals meant to denote the year "2006" on the University of Florida shirts actually translate into "26." Pepsi paid for the shirts. It has an exclusive contract with the school. According to UF's athletic association, neither Pepsi nor the school discovered the error before distribution. But those handing out the free shirts and the students who got them noticed. Over 20,000 shirts were printed, and those that have not been distributed to students will be returned to Pepsi. A Pepsi spokeswoman said it's not clear what they will do with the shirts that are returned, but that they apologize for the error. Pepsi will pay for another set of shirts to be distributed in late September before the Alabama game. This isn't a first for the University Athletic Association. In 2003, it published media guides that featured a crocodile on the front cover instead of an alligator -- the school's mascot. =========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
Wrangel Island =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Glenis Re: Rule 240 Dear Webby, You travel a lot. What is "Rule 240" really about, and how does it apply under the current security restrictions? Glenis Dear Glenis I bet you saw somebody march up to a ticket counter, and was instantly given wads of hotel vouchers and tickets. "Rule 240" used to be the federal compensation schedule for passengers inconvenienced by delays due to air line mess-ups. Nowadays each airline has their own "Rule 240" filed with the DOT. The "Rule 240" filings are usually quite straight forward. IF you were at the gate on time, and IF there was no force majeure" events: weather, strikes, "acts of God," or other occurrences that the airlines say they cannot control, and you miss a connection because they were late, they promise to put you up in a decent hotel, give you alternate tickets and meal vouchers. Where the fun comes in is that 99% of the airport counter staff have at one time or another heard about "Rule 240", but have no clue where they can find the copy that is supposed to be at each counter. So they usually fall all over themselves to err on the safe side, rather than get in trouble. You can get the "Rule 240" filings at http://www.mytravelrights.com/travellaw.cfm?ai=3 If the take-off is delayed because of security problems, then the air line is theoretically off the hook, but very few counter staffers know enough about "Rule 240" to intelligently dispute the points, and rather give you vouchers. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?" "Because I'm thinking of buying these horses." Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!" "Why?" his father asked. "Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom...!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived...!" ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 30, 2006 - Jacksonville, Florida - AP A Jacksonville postal worker delivers more than just letters to residents. The woman also delivers prayers. Synetta Drayton Haggary was delivering the mail in July when she heard a woman crying and praying for help. Haggary stopped to pray with the woman, though she didn't know what she was praying for. When they finished, the woman pulled out the handgun she wanted to use for suicide and handed it to Haggary. Haggary called police and handed them the gun. Now 51 year old Haggary checks on the woman almost everyday. She says she's just trying to spread good cheer in such a negative world. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving For Christmas Even though Christmas time comes around every year, it's not uncommon for people to be caught off guard by Christmas expenses and end up a bloated credit cards heading into the new year. Start saving now and you can limit the stress that Christmas puts on your financial well being. When it comes time to buy present and throw parties, stay within your budget and give your credit cards a break. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson at All People International Church, 1993 Edgewood Ave., Jacksonville, Florida Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado Monday, Sept. 4 at 1:15 p.m. Trumbull, Connecticut. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Jordan C. Pierson at Calvary Evangelical Church, 498 White Plains Rd., Trumbull, Connecticut. Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes." ======================================== Thanks to Ellen for this Bonus Link: Make it! http://makezine.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. PS: If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY. or write to humor@webby.com I am not in the least worried about spam like most other newsletter writers, who wimp out behind no-reply addresses. The reason I am not worried about spam is because I use the FireTrust Mail Washer. My addresses have been on the web for 10 years and are probably on every spam list there is. Every day Thousands of mails are sent to me. MailWasher trashes all but the 200 that I answer. Try MailWasher FREE for 30 days It's still the best spam control program for people who get lots of mail. If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE Give a free gift subscription to a friend!
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Good Morning, ! Friday, September 1, 2006 ====================================== Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily. -- George Santayana Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. -- Fran Lebowitz ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to Dave for this story: As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo mail for gross incompetence us.army.mil for considering the Humor Letter as too naughty for the Infantry Telus.net for inappropriate censorship =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: Max was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $50!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot." This is why you never send a woman to a hardware store. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Pat Carr in Rochester, Minnesota Fake praise August 30, 2006 - Rochester, Minnesota - AP A City Council member and mayoral candidate admitted he has anonymously praised himself in comments posted on a newspaper's Web site. The Post-Bulletin newsroom doesn't regularly check identities of online users, but a reporter noticed similarities in the way a user named "127179" writes and Pat Carr talks. Some of the dozens of messages posted by "127179" since November found notes of praise for Carr, while some attacked officials who voted differently from him. For example, in a comment posted Sunday that answered a critical comment from another reader, Carr wrote: "Pat Carr has done nothing but stand up for the silent majority." A comment posted Friday said: "People that run him down are special interest groups and insiders that Carr exposes." Carr acknowledged Monday that he wrote all past comments except one, which he said was written by a friend visiting his office. "If people want to trash me, I have the right to stand up and defend myself," he said. "I stand by what I said." Managing Editor Jay Furst sent messages to Carr in April and July, warning him that if he continued to post self-congratulatory or misleading comments, the newspaper might choose to report on it. He kept it up, and they did. =========================================== Thanks to Carol for sending this picture:
Bubba is faster than his bike, sometimes. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Allan Re: SMTP filtering Dear Webby, My ISP, Telus, is dumping too much of my outgoing mail with their mis-configured SMTP filters. How do I get around that? Writing to their support is useless, they apparently filter and dump their own responses too. Thanks Allan Dear Allan Telus DSL is OK for areas where you can't get cable, but I agree that their mail is definitely not reliable enough for business purposes. Luckily it's easy enough to get around them, or any ISP, by using a remote SMTP server. A very popular and easy to use remote SMTP is at Softstack It's easy to set up and it's free. If you want something fancier with more options, there is PostCastServer for $49. A fringe benefit of using a remote SMTP is that you never have to change it when you travel. Considering that only very few hotels nowadays allow you to use their SMTP, you are never stuck when you use a remote one like Postcast. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me". "Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too...." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 28, 2006 - Yulee, Fla. - AP A kindergarten teacher saved her 5-year-old student by performing the Heimlich maneuver. Biscayne Elementary School teacher Jenifer Cochran said she noticed her student suddenly run to the bathroom with a bright red face. Craig Baker had swallowed a quarter and it was trapped in his windpipe. The teacher tried to get Baker to cough up the quarter, but soon the boy grew weak and couldn't make any sounds. She said it took five Heimlich thrusts to force the quarter out of his windpipe. After the quarter was free, the child cried with fear and pain from the damage it had done to his windpipe. Cochran said she hopes the incident will be a wake-up call to schools everywhere that teachers need emergency first-aid training. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Hardwood Floors Daily cleaning of hardwood floors can be a challenge, especially if you have pets. The best tool I have found for daily maintenance of my hardwood floors is a good vacuum cleaner. Mine has a low setting made for flat floors and it works well for pet hair, dust and paw prints. Make sure you let muddy paw prints dry before trying to vacuum. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com An old-fashioned swivel-head dust mop, either cotton or microfiber, works very well and fast on sealed hardwood floors. The only places, that really need slow and noisy vacuuming, are door sills and where hardwood floors border carpeted areas. DerWebby Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?" "Well, that's my house there." "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson at All People International Church, 1993 Edgewood Ave., Jacksonville, Florida Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado Tues., Sept. 5 at 10:15 a.m. Minden, Nebraska. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army National Guard Staff Sgt. Jeffrey J. Hansen at St. Paul Lutheran Church, 206 N. Colorado Av., Minden, Nebraska. Wednesday, September 6 at 12:15 p.m. Boise, Idaho Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Jeremy E. King at First Church of the Nazarene, 3852 N. Eagle Rd., Boise, Idaho I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 4 men and 8 women: Defendant: "Your Honor, I wish to change my plea." Judge: "Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?" Defendant: "No sir, when I pled 'Not Guilty' I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't ever get anything past my wife, I'll never be able to convince 8 women jurors...." ======================================== Thanks to Trish for this Bonus Link: San Pedro Prison http://snipurl.com/vrrv ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning ! Thursday, Aug 31, 2006 ====================================== There is only one way to bring up a child in the way he should go and that is to travel that way yourself. -- Abraham Lincoln In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== A two-year-old daughter was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. The two-year-old kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, with her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, the child toddled up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!" ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Telus.net for inappropriate censorship and Yahoo mail for gross incompetence =========================================== Thanks to Lisa for this story: I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it." An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: (sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Cell phone makers Phones are security risks August 30, 2006 - Washington - AP The Associated Press has uncovered a piece of information that could save you a lot of embarrassment or worse. It turns out that when you upgrade to a new cell phone and get rid of your old one, those old text messages may go with it. "Resetting" the phone to clear the slate can be a lot more difficult than owners think, meaning the new owner can get a look at a lot of sensitive information. Used phones checked by the Virginia security company, Trust Digital, contained information ranging from sensitive corporate negotiations to a married man's chit-chat with his girlfriend to bank account numbers and passwords. Most manufacturers offer instructions on how to completely erase cell-phone data, but in one case it involves pushing so many buttons simultaneously, that it's a two-person job. One security expert said the best thing to do may be to heave the old phone under a truck. ----------------------------------- That reminds me,.... Phone disposal takes new tone ANYONE wanting to throw away their mobile phone can do it in style at the Mobile Phone Throwing World Championship in Finland. Originally a local event in this small town close to the Russian border, the seventh annual contest drew some 100 throwers from as far afield as Canada, Russia and Belgium. Founder Christine Lund describes the event as light exercise with an environmentally friendly twist. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1274312006 =========================================== Thanks to Roberta for sending this picture:
Falls in Honesdale, PA =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angie Re: FTP Dear Webby, I have always used browser FTP to up and download files, but with my new web host I can't do that any more. I was told to get a proper, grown-up FTP program. Snobs! I looked around and there are hundreds of them availale. Which one would you recommend, preferably one that is not too expensive? Angie Dear Angie Second best is BulletProof. I have used it for many years and bought a lifetime license for it about 8 years ago. Best is Filezilla. I am slowly migrating the log-on data for the hundreds of our clients from BulletProof over to Filezilla. That's a lot of work, but worth it. FileZilla is that much better. And it's free! So that you don't have to battle all the detours on FileHippo or similar download sites, I put it into my toolbox at http://webby.com/tools Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop. As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, "Oh Porter, from what gate is the flight to Dallas leaving?" The Admiral approached, bowed, and said "Gate 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition ?" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a house of ill repute!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house of ill repute smells like." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 27, 2006 - Lancaster, Texas - AP More than 500 students in Lancaster, Texas, had their summer vacations extended after failing to complete their summer reading assignment — only they weren't exactly on vacation: The school suspended them until they completed their assigned reading. The "get tough" policy is Lancaster Independent School District's latest effort to improve reading scores and overall performance in a suburban school that is described by many as "struggling and underachieving." "Our kids canno t afford to have summer or winter breaks off," says Larry Lewis, school district superintendent. "Sixty to 75 percent of our students are reading two to five years below their grade level." This is the second straight year the Lancaster School District has put in place such a policy. Last year 1,100 students were sent home for failing to complete the summer reading project. "A lot of parents were shocked by the suspensions then," says Lewis. "But this year the whole city was involved, and most people were supportive." Parents got caught up in the reading project, and reminders to complete the reading assignments were everywhere — on restaurant menus and on street signs announcing "Summer Reading Due the First Day of School." Lewis says many of the students that didn't do the assignment on time acted out intentionally against the policy. "Some of the kids formed pacts that they weren't going to do the work," he says. "But compared to last year, there was a big improvement." Of the 519 students suspended, all but 93 returned to school the following day having completed their work. This is just one of the challenges Lewis and other Lancaster school officials face as the No Child Left Behind edict increases the pressure on schools across the country to get reading scores up or lose federal funding. While the punishment may seem tough to some people, reading scores have gone up and students are more motivated and opting to take more rigorous courses, according to Lewis. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com College Kids and Credit Cards Credit card companies fall over themselves to offer credit to new college students. If you have a child heading off to college, be sure to warn them about this because they can quickly amass high interest credit card debt that could haunt them, and you, for years to come. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== Thanks to Irma for this story: One day, while driving with my 5 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at me as if she was demanding an explanation. I said, "I did that by accident..." She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't yell '@#$%&!' after beeping!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thursday, August 31 at 12:15 p.m. Chillicothe, Ohio Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Air Force Master Sgt. Brad A. Clemmons at Haller Funeral Home, 1661 Western Ave., Chillicothe, Ohio Thursday, August 31 at 10:45 a.m. Rockville, Maryland. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Thomas J. Barbieri at St. Mary's Catholic Church, 520 Veirs Mill Rd., Rockville, Maryland. Thursday, Aug. 31 at 8:15 a.m. Murfreesboro, Tennessee Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. James D. Hirlston at Murfreesboro Funeral Home, 145 Innsbrooke Blvd., Murfreesboro, Tennessee Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson at All People International Church, 1993 Edgewood Ave., Jacksonville, Florida Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat. During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?" "No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: TerraWind http://www.terrawind.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
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Good Morning! Wednesday, Aug 30, 2006 ====================================== Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. -- Oscar Wilde Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== The census taker knocked on an old lady's door. He asked her several questions and she answered all of them except one. She refused to tell him her age. "But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said. "Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked stubbornly. "Certainly," the census taker replied. Then the lady snapped, "Well, I'm the same age as they are." So, the census taker remarked: OK, I'll put down, "As old as the Hills." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Telus.net for inappropriate censorship and Yahoo mail for gross incompetence =========================================== The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work one day, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two." The husband started glowing with happiness. He kissed his wife and said, "Oh darling, this makes me the happiest person in the world." And she said, "I'm so happy you feel this way. I was worried that you wouldn't like my mother." =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: (sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to British Airways Lost Leg August 29, 2006 - London - Dominion Post In just seven days Paralympic athlete Kate Horan is due to line up in the 100 meters at the IPC Athletics World Championships in Assen in the Netherlands. But there's a hitch – British Airways has lost her leg. The Wellington athlete's $10,000 running leg has been missing for more than a week, sitting somewhere in a London warehouse with 20,000 other pieces of luggage. "It's the worlds – this is the biggest event apart from the Paralympics," Horan said. She has been preparing for the championships for two years. Since British authorities foiled a terrorist plot to attack flights out of Heathrow Airport, increased security has forced travelers to limit their carry-on luggage. For Horan that meant she had to check in her running leg for the short flight from London to Amsterdam a week ago. It was the first time the unique leg was not with her as carry-on luggage. And British Airways told her there was little it could do. "They said there's 20,000 bags sitting in Heathrow and mine is just one of them. I was told they don't know where it is." Horan is now in a race against time with manufacturer Otto Bock and Ossur, which will attempt to build her another leg in time for the world championships. "I head to Holland today," she said. "And I'm going straight to the factory. These sort of legs take weeks to fine tune. At the moment that's the only possibility I've got. "All the time that I should be training and getting myself ready, I'm going to be spending trailing this leg and trying to get a leg that fits." =========================================== Thanks to Nita for sending this picture:
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Re: Dear Webby I always enjoy the pictures you (and your friends and family) send for the Humor Letter and wonder how I can take such good ones. I thought I would ask you since your pictures have always been great. Our current camera is a Canon PowerShot A80 4.0 megapixels that we bought in May 2004. It is getting battered thanks to my daughter hauling it around and slinging it everywhere, but the pictures just have not been all that thrilling. The zoom is also inadequate --we took a whale watching ride from Friday Harbor this weekend and while I did capture some cavorting whales they are tiny in the photo although the zoom was set to maximum. SO, can you recommend a camera that can work indoors and out, and grab far away images while also allowing closeups, or are we asking too much for a single camera? Thanks for any advice!! Best, Susan Dear Susan I use a 2005 Canon Powershot 2S-IS and I am very happy with it. It has 12x zoom and a big lens that reaches far into the dark. To steady the picture on long zoom shots, where a tiny jitter can move the focus a long way, it has a built in image stabilizer. There is a 3S available now, but I am in no way lusting to upgrade from the 2S. I can highly recommend it. Here is a picture from earlier this month: Lundgren Falls
Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A child was on his first visit to the country at his grandparents' ranch and feeding the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard. He rushed into the house, where his grandmother was making breakfast and exclaimed, "Grandma, come and see! One of the chickens is in bloom!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Johnnie's Teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked "Johnnie, are your father and mother in?" "They was in, but they is out." he answered. The teacher gasped, "Why, Johnnie, it is 'They were in, they are out' Where's your grammar?" "She's upstairs having a nap." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 27, 2006 - Crown Point, Ind. - AP A judge detained and questioned a row of spectators when a cell phone rang for a third time in her courtroom, later ordering two people to serve community service for contempt of court. When no one admitted having the ringing phones Wednesday, Lake County Criminal Court Judge Diane Boswell told all five people in the row to sit in chairs reserved for jail inmates. They stayed there for more than an hour until the morning court call ended. Boswell found three people in contempt of court because they initially refused to say who had the ringing phones. Cynthia Cannon of Gary agreed to pay a $100 fine after admitting that her phone was one of those that went off. The judge ordered her to do community service, but Cannon declined, saying she can't work or sit for long periods of time due to a disability. Verdell Berry Jr., of Merrillville, said he had two phones. One was off, the other he turned off when Boswell warned the gallery about the phones. The sound of it powering down is what she heard, Berry said. He admitted he didn't speak up to explain that when Boswell first asked. Shonique Freeman, of Gary, said she knew it was Berry's phone, but she didn't offer the information, either. Boswell ordered both Berry and Freeman to serve 40 hours of community service. "The next time you come to court, don't bring your cell phone," Boswell said. "And when the court asks a question, answer the question." =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Benefits of Buying Used Cars You can save a bundle on your next car purchase by buying a used car. One of the common concerns I hear from people about used cars is that they will require expensive repairs sooner than new cars. There is no question that repair bills can be outrageously expensive but here's one way to look at it. If a new car costs you $15,000 (or more) and a five year old version of the same car costs $5,000, the difference in price leaves you a lot of room to make repairs and still come out on top. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Wednesday, Aug. 30 at 10:15 a.m. Tacoma, Washington. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Gabriel G. DeRoo at Temple Baptist Church, 1108 S. Columbia Ave., Tacoma, Washington. Wednesday, Aug. 30 at 1:15 p.m. Salt Lake City, Utah Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Cpl. Adam A. Galvez at Calvary Chapel, 460 W. Century Drive, Salt Lake City, Utah. Thursday, Aug. 31 at 8:15 a.m. Murfreesboro, Tennessee Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. James D. Hirlston at Murfreesboro Funeral Home, 145 Innsbrooke Blvd., Murfreesboro, Tennessee Saturday, Sept. 2 at 9:15 a.m. Jacksonville, Florida Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Wakkuna A. Jackson at All People International Church, 1993 Edgewood Ave., Jacksonville, Florida Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. Sunday, Sept. 3 at 1:15 p.m. Montrose, Colorado Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Spc. Christopher F. Sitton at Montrose High School, 600 S. Selig Ave., Montrose, Colorado
Hood River, OR, August 26 Perverts picketing the Memorial service for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee On August 2, 2006, 28-year-old Lee held off enemy insurgents in Ramadi, Iraq, and secured enough time for his team to rescue a wounded soldier on an exposed rooftop. For Lee, the battle lasted about two hours before enemy machine gun fire brought him down. He has been rewarded the Bronze Star with Valor, the Purple Heart, the Silver Star, and Combat Action Ribbon for his bravery. In his native Oregon, the governor decreed August 10, 2006, as a day of mourning for Lee. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Thanks to Phil for this report: My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a memo saying that any paper left on desks would be removed at night and we would have to fill out a form to get it back. So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every night. next day, the boss had an office full of garbage, and we never heard about the policy again. ======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link: Foto Gallerie http://www.fotocommunity.de/pc/pc/mypics/12278 ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Aug 29, 2006 ====================================== How old would you be if you didn't have a mirror and didn't know when you were born? -- Edythe E. Bregnard Instead of focusing on a person's past, look how far he's come. -- Charles Scaparo ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?" The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . " "You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted. The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate. "Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . " "You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said. The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole set up in front of HQ by 16:30, standing perfectly straight!" "You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said. ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Telus.net for for inappropriate censorship =========================================== The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help... "If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: (sent in by Dawn P)
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a robber in Elmwood park, NJ Dumb Robber Forgets to Bring Bag for Loot ELMWOOD PARK, N.J. (1010 WINS) -- A man who robbed a Wachovia Bank this week made one small mistake that cost him most of his profits — he forgot to bring a bag to the put the money in. The man, who was wearing a long, curly-haired wig and sunglasses and had what appeared to be a black 9mm handgun, demanded money from tellers after he entered the bank shortly before 11 a.m. Friday, according to Elmwood Park Police. He then jumped over the tellers' counter and emptied $1,385 in cash. As he ran away from the scene of the crime, though, he ended up dropping at least $1,195, or about 86 percent of what he had taken. Police recovered the cash, which had flown onto lawns and driveways, when they searched the area an hour later. =========================================== Thanks to Ann for sending this picture:
Why dogs bite people =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elisa Re: Jittery Moon Dear Webby I tried to take a picture of the red moon in forest fire smoke a while after dark. I used max Zoom, and wound up with TWO overlapping crescents of the moon, as if it was a double exposure. The sharp tips of the crescent are definitely there twice. What causes that? I rested one edge of the camera on the window sill to keep it steady. How do I avoid that problem? Elisa Dear Elisa You shot the picture in VERY dark conditions, not just after dark, but through forest fire smoke. The camera kept the shutter open long to gather enough light to show the moon, maybe 2 - 3 seconds if you have a camera with a large lens, much longer if it has a small lens. During that time you jittered a bit. Next time you try that, nestle the camera into a bag of icing sugar or sand. That holds the camera much steadier than resting one edge of it on a hard surface. Once you have the shot lined up, hit the self-timer, stand back and don't breathe until it has taken the picture. The less light you have, the more careful you have to be to avoid jitters. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== "Hello?" Linda responded, answering the phone. "I bet you want me to come over to your house, take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you all night long," the male voice whispered sensuously. "Wow!," she replied. "You could tell all that just from me saying 'hello?'" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos Moscow - AP An antiques dealer on Friday turned over a 19th-century chalice that he said he had discovered was among items recently found missing from Russia's renowned State Hermitage Museum, a government official said. The Moscow dealer reported buying the silver, gold and gem-covered chalice in 2004, said Anatoly Vilkov, the head of the Culture Ministry's department in charge of protecting cultural valuables. ''It went on display during several antique art fairs,'' Vilkov said. More than 220 antiques and valuables missing from the famed Hermitage in St. Petersburg are believed to have been stolen over several years. Museum officials announced Monday that the theft was discovered by a routine inventory check that began in October 2005 and was completed at the end of last month. Hermitage director Mikhail Piotrovsky blamed the theft, valued at more than $5 million, on museum workers. The incident has put the spotlight on poor security at Russian cultural institutions. The dealer, who was not identified, is cooperating with a police investigation, Vilkov said. On Thursday, St. Petersburg police said they found a religious icon dumped in a trash bin near a police station after they received a tip from an anonymous caller. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com 20% Down on New Cars When buying a new or used car from a dealer, make a down payment of at least 20%. That will be a enough to cover taxes and most of the vehicles first year depreciation. Dealerships will gladly sell you a car with less down, but that will leave you with an upside down loan for years. An upside down loans means you owe more than the car is worth. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, Aug. 29 at 1:45 p.m. Birmingham, Alabama Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Marquees A. Quick at St. James Baptist Church, 7309 Oporto Ave., Birmingham, Alabama. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church, 40000 6-mile Rd., Northville, Michigan Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at Hooker Creek Event Center, Deschutes Co. Fairground, Redmond, Oregon Tuesday, August 29 at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road, Hiawatha, Kansas. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Cheyenne, Wyoming Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. James J. Arellano at St. Mary's Cathedral, 100 W. 21st St., Cheyenne, Wyoming Wednesday, Aug. 30 at 10:15 a.m. Tacoma, Washington. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Sgt. Gabriel G. DeRoo at Temple Baptist Church, 1108 S. Columbia Ave., Tacoma, Washington. Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away." Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Enoshima Aquarium http://www.flickr.com/photos/mmqb01/with/5743441/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning, ! Monday, Aug 28, 2006 ====================================== When things start to make sense, THAT'S when to hit the panic button. -- Pat D An expert is a person who avoids small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. -- Benjamin Stolberg ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to us.army.mil for inappropriate censorship and Telus.net for for inappropriate censorship The Navy, Airforce and Coastguard have no problem with the Humor Letter, only the Sniveling Ninnies at the Army Censorship consider the Humor Letter as too naughty for the Infantry soldiers. Has somebody been in Fort Huachuca too long and wants to give the Army a bad name? =========================================== Wendy was reading a newspaper, while James, her husband, was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," James said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Wendy said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Wendy said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to New York City traffic ticket enforcement Close, but not close enough August 25, 2006 - New York - AP Lisa Sims was socked with a $50 traffic ticket for running a red light on a street in Manhattan's Greenwich Village on June 24. A police camera took a picture of a sedan with license plates beginning with the letters "D-O-N." The problem? Sims was 630 miles away in Middletown, Ohio, when the violation occurred, and she drives a pickup bearing plates that begin with "D-Q-N." The ticket was thrown out this week, but not before Sims had to spend a long time dealing with the city's Finance Department and mail in proof that the car caught on camera wasn't hers. A Finance Department spokesman said there's a process for dealing with mixups, and in this case, it worked successfully. Sims isn't so sure. She said while she didn't want to go to New York City to begin with, she really doesn't want to now. =========================================== Thanks to Jlona for sending this picture: Some folks who live in the Goldenview part of the Hillside area in Anchorage just built this playground in their yard last weekend for their 3 and 4 year-old boys. The next morning, the mom woke up to this scene. Four juvenile black bears. Somewhere in the trees was the mother sow. Later that same day, a large bull moose moseyed around in the wood chips, inspecting the area. It appears they may need to erect a 12-foot fence around the thing before letting any children out to play there.
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ellen Re: Satellite modem Dear Webby Can I use a satellite dish like the one advertised farther up and a satellite modem for our business here in Montana? Thanks Ellen Dear Ellen Theoretically, yes. Practically, no. I would not advise satellite modems for business purposes anywhere north of the Mason/Dixon line. Even though you can get a beautiful TV picture even up in Alaska, the signal has to travel through too much polluted air to be able to maintain a high speed connection reliably at all times in Montana. Sure, you could use a satellite modem and connect quite often. However, "quite often" is not good enough for a business. Even in Florida or Texas or Arizona, practically directly below the satellite, you need a land line dial-up back-up for times of bad weather. That has nothing to do with the satellite dish or the channel dealer. It's strictly a matter of dirty air and bad weather interfering with high speed data transfer. In your area it is probably best to just use the satellite dish for TV. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Tammy called up the airline ticket counter and asked, "How long are your flights from Los Angeles to Phoenix?" The counterman answered, "Just a minute." At which, Tammy thanked him and hung up. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== From Paul: My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four Mounties and a police dog to keep us apart ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 22, 2006 - Hannibal, Missouri - AP An 80-year-old milk man who delivered to five generations of residents has reluctantly retired after 70 years of friendly, prompt service. At age 10, Clyde Priest began delivering milk to help his father. By the time he retired 70 years later on July 20, he had outlived eight local dairies that provided his products. Priest was so well known and trusted that customers allowed him to put milk, ice cream and other dairy purchases in their refrigerator when they weren't home. "My theory all these years has been: You could buy milk anywhere, so the only thing I got to sell is my personal service. That was my philosophy," he said. An emergency appendectomy in July forced his retirement. While he recuperated in the hospital, his family made his last delivery for him. Priest said the trick to running a successful business is liking what you do and being willing to put in extra effort. "I loved every minute of it," he said. "I would say if you are willing to work and dedicate yourself to it, you can succeed." =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Rolling Existing Car Loans Into a New Car Purchase Don't buy a new car if you haven't paid off your old one unless you have equity accumulated. One common practice at dealerships is to offer to roll the balance of an existing loan into the financing for a new car. It usually creates a situation where you are taking a loan that is greater than the value of the car you are buying. While this makes it easy to leave the car lot with a sparkling new car, it's bad practice for consumers and a financial boon for dealers and lenders. Anything that is good for them, is usually bad for you. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== I just came across this old tech support story. Totally obsolete, but too good to just let it die. Keep in mind that this is from a very long time ago, when Windows came on a stack of floppy disks and when a Mac's standard way of dealing with a PC floppy was to destroy all data on it and format it. An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church, 40000 6-mile Rd., Northville, Michigan Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at Hooker Creek Event Center, Deschutes Co. Fairground, Redmond, Oregon Tuesday, August 29 at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road, Hiawatha, Kansas. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Cheyenne, Wyoming Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pfc. James J. Arellano at St. Mary's Cathedral, 100 W. 21st St., Cheyenne, Wyoming Saturday, Sept. 2 at 12:15 p.m. Tucson, Arizona Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Navy Hospitalman Chadwick T. Kenyon at Evergreen Mortuary, 3015 N. Oracle Rd., Tucson, Arizona. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Dear Webby, I just wanted to thank you for having Babelfish. I used it for the first time to translate a letter into Dutch, and am so very pleased, as I have a hard time understanding my Dutch friends, and I know they must have a bit of a problem understanding me, as it has been 20 years since they were in Canada. So thank you for having this on your page. Yours truly, Fummer Amazing what you can find in that side menu! ======================================== Thanks to Sandie for this Bonus Link: Strangest things in space http://www.space.com/bestimg/?cat=strangest ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning! Sunday, Aug 27, 2006 ====================================== It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them. -- Dame Rose Macaulay Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. -- Margaret Millar ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to Roberta for this story: Thibodeau wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Witout numbers?" Thibodeau says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Thibodeau. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." Thibodeau stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this guy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Thibodeau stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" Thibodeau leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doggie came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?" ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to us.army.mil for inappropriate censorship and Telus.net for for inappropriate censorship The Navy, Airforce and Coastguard have no problem with the Humor Letter, only the Sniveling Ninnies at the Army Censorship consider the Humor Letter as too naughty for the Infantry soldiers. Has somebody been in Fort Huachuca too long? =========================================== When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a wanna-be robber in Poggersdorf, Austria Insufficient homework August 24, 2006 - Vienna - Reuters A would-be robber was arrested after he tried to hold up his local town hall, mistaking it for a bank, Austrian police said Wednesday. Wearing a mask and waving a toy pistol, the unemployed man burst into the town hall in the village of Poggersdorf, southern Austria, and shouted: "Hold-up, hold-up!" The building has a sign signaling there is a cash point on the outside wall, police said. (ATM for paying parking tickets) He realized his mistake when an employee explained to him where he was, police said in a statement, adding he fled to a nearby forest. The 34-year-old man was arrested when he came back later to pick up his motorbike which he had parked outside the town hall. =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending in this picture:
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Darlene Re: Elongated pictures Dear Webby Love your Humor letter especially the tech help. You gave some advise on making things larger including pictures, can't remember when you gave it, I followed the instructions and things are larger. But my pictures are all elongated and another thing happened at the same time. When ever I hit my mouse it makes a loud click from my desktop when I change pages. Also on my IM the sub-titles across the top are like high lighted. What did I do wrong and how do I go back to the way it was? Thank you Darlene Dear Darlene The reason your pictures appear elongated is probably that you chose a setting intended for a wide aspect ratio monitor. Right-click on the desktop, Properties Settings and in there try different resolutions. I use 1600 x 1200. That looks fine on my monitor ( 14 1/2" x 10 3/4" viewing area ), and when I design a 5" x 6" ad, it measures precisely 5" x 6" on the screen. So, play with the resolution settings until you find one that suits your monitor and your eyes. Re the mouse click, you can set that in the Control Panel, Mouse. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A man takes a photo of the front of his house to the local copy store and asks the clerk to put it on disk for him. He does. They are both looking at the monitor to see the results, and the man asks if the picture can be turned. "Sure" says the clerk. The man replies, "Good, I need a shot of the back of my house also." ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== What happens when you have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? You have the feeling that you're forgetting the same thing all over again. ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos Bonehead for 'dodging traffic' but Kudo for tuening in the money ... August 24, 2006 - Paddock Lake, Wis. - AP A sales representative on the way to a business call made an unscheduled stop - in the middle of the highway - after noticing the cash swirling around his car. "I was a little west of Paddock Lake and all of a sudden there was money flying in my windshield and grill," Ted Neitzke said. Neitzke, 58, of Random Lake, said he stopped, got out of his car and began collecting the bills while dodging the traffic. "So here's this guy - me - in the middle of Highway 50 with a tie picking up money," he said. "It was just kind of sliding along the road. When a car or truck would drive by, it would go one way, and when another one would drive by, it would go the other way." He managed to pick up a dozen $20 bills and two $1 bills, a total of $242. Then he called the Kenosha County Sheriff's Department. "I was just hoping it wasn't anybody's rent money or somebody who needed it," he said. "I figured it was the right thing to do." The sheriff's report said the money Neitzke collected about 4:30 p.m. Tuesday was placed in an evidence locker, and if no one claims it, Neitzke will get it. Sheriff's spokesman Horace Staples said not everyone would have turned in the cash. "When people do that, it's very unique," Staples said. "Normally people would look around and pocket the money." =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Movie Rewards Cards If you frequent movie theaters regularly, check and see if they have a Movie Rewards program. You get points every time you purchase tickets and when you get enough points, you get something free like popcorn, a drink or a free movie ticket. They usually give away small drinks and popcorns but they'll allow you to upgrade for the difference in cost which is usually minimal. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him. Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the simplest of statements into sexual innuendo. The teacher was afraid to let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement. "All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher. "A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan. "Excellent " said the teacher. She continues on through the alphabet. Finally she reaches F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary. "F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who live among the flowers", Mary replies. "Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G". Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides "G" is a safe one. "Yes Johnny?" She asks. "G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too". "Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for once he wasn't out of line. Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who knocks up the fairies!" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church, 40000 6-mile Rd., Northville, Michigan Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at Hooker Creek Event Center, Deschutes Co. Fairground, Redmond, Oregon Tuesday, August 29 at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road, Hiawatha, Kansas. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Thank you so very much for a wonderful newsletter. You are makimng a huge difference in many lives. Joe wardy ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Maracaibo http://snipurl.com/vjur http://www.venezuelatuya.com/occidente/maracaiboeng.htm ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning, ! Saturday, Aug 26, 2006 ====================================== Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -- Helen Keller Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to martin for this story: A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?" "Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to us.army.mil for inappropriate censorship and Yahoo mail for gross incompetence =========================================== "Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!" He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!" "Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How, with an extra dry bran muffin?" =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to two Kansas City crooks Last Swim Kansas City, Kansas - AP A burglary suspect decided to shed his clothes and go for a swim in an effort to flee from authorities. Authorities said the whole thing started when they were called to a home for a report of an armed home invasion in progress. When they arrived, two men fled, fired shots at the officers and then eventually ended up near the Kansas River. It was there that one man was taken into custody while trying to scale a fence. The other suspect ran into the river, took off his clothes and tried swimming away from authorities. The suspect swam for 45 minutes as officers looked on from the shore. Then rescuers in a fire department boat paddled out to try and apprehend him, but he didn't want to cooperate. Finally, the man was taken into custody after authorities chased him down in the water. The two men were in custody awaiting charges. =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending in this picture of Friday's storm:
08/25/06 =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Chuck Re: DisKeeper Dear Webby, Bonnie seemed concerned about diskeeper. I also have diskeeper 9, best item money can by for the computer! I myself just go in a couple times a week and run it manually. Love to watch it in action. I put it on the performance header and watch the red disappear! They have come out with the 10 series, but my nine works just fine and fast and i'm more than happy! I have learned so much from your computer tips. Thank you! I have saved 90% of the humor letters over the last couple of years. I say this because if you ever want to put together an online or "blast from the past" listing all your tips, which would go over well with us trying to learn how this machine works, I will put it to disk and send to you. Keep up the good work! and thank you for the laughs! cjw Dear Chuck I agree with you 100% that DisKeeper is undisputably the best hard drive maintenance program, and as essential to a computer as a helmet is for motorcycle racing. Sure, some people have nothing up there worth protecting, but for those of us who do, DisKeeper is a real bargain. That is why I have featured it in the side menu for so many years. Regarding old tech tips, as soon as we get the new, metric 100 hour days, I definitely want to put them all into one condensed collection. In the meantime I started a Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog to make it easy to look up previous Humor Letters. Until I figure out how to slide older ones behind the new ones, I will just add the new ones every day. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== Rosy and Nina were best of friends and did everything to- gether. Rosy announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds. "Good," Nina exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be diet buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great," Rosy replied. "Let's go to Burger King!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Thanks to Mike for this story: I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night". As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat. He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these hamburger seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos Newport Beach, California - AP A woman saved her 13-year-old son's life after following a hunch that the 4-foot deep trench he was digging, collapsed on him, officials said. Dylan Scott was recovering at home Monday from the scrapes and bruises he sustained when the sand fell in on him. ''It's creepy,'' he said. ''I just remember something really heavy fell on me.'' Wendy Scott, 41, said she didn't see Dylan when she retuned to the beach after briefly joining her 10-year old in the water Sunday. Other beach visitors told her Dylan had gone swimming, but she sensed he was buried in the sand, she said. Onlookers began helping her dig when she clawed through the sand and touched Dylan's head, she said. The boy wasn't breathing and had turned blue by the time rescuers arrived, she said. He was revived at a hospital. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ziploc Bags for Outfits I have two preschool daughters. When we travel, I pack outfits in gallon sized ziploc bags. I include top, shorts, underwear and socks. That way, they can take a pack and dress themselves and I don't have to sort through all of the clothes each day. This really helps since they wear similar sizes and it's hard to keep them separated. - Ann Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner, one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at St. Francis DeSales Church, 139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd., Belle Harbor, New York Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at Russellville Christian Church, 1681 Highway 35, St. Stephen, South Carolina Sat. Aug. 26 at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at St. Patrick's Catholic Church, 1031 Main St., Onalaska, Wisconsin. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church, 40000 6-mile Rd., Northville, Michigan Tues., Aug. 29 at 10:15 a.m. Redmond, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Lance Cpl. Randy L. Newman at Hooker Creek Event Center, Deschutes Co. Fairground, Redmond, Oregon Tuesday, August 29 at 10:15 a.m. Hiawatha, Kansas. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Cpl. Jeremiah S. Cole at First Baptist Church, 210 Lodge Road, Hiawatha, Kansas. I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. The governor grumbled as he answered the phone and said, "So, what is it?" "Judge Quincy has just died," the attorney told him, "and I want to take his place." The governor said, "Well, that's okay with me, if it's okay with the undertaker." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Foto Community http://www.fotocommunity.com/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning ! Friday, Aug 25, 2006 ====================================== I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. -- Marshall McLuhan Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, in her mid eighties. The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "Plese tell me, do I come here often?" ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to us.army.mil and Yahoo.com for censoring the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Martin for this story: We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the \ "seniors's special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. =========================================== Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mardin Azad Amin, 29 in Chicago Brainless Bomber August 23, 2006 Mardin Azad Amin found himself in a tight squeeze when security at O'Hare Airport discovered a suspicious looking object in his luggage. So, Amin, 29, handled the delicate situation this way: He told security the object was a bomb, Cook County prosecutors say. The security guard then asked Amin to repeat what he'd said to a supervisor. This time, Amin was chuckling as he spoke, prosecutors say. In fact, Amin was trying to disguise the fact that the black object -- resembling a grenade -- was a component for a penis pump. All the same, Amin was charged with felony disorderly conduct and faces up to three years in prison if convicted, said Andrew Conklin, a spokesman with the Cook County state attorney's office. Amin is due in court today for a preliminary hearing, Conklin said. Amin eventually told investigators he'd lied about the object's true use because his mother was standing nearby when the object was discovered and he didn't want her to know about it, Cook County Assistant State's Attorney Lorraine Scaduto said during a bond hearing last week. The incident occurred Aug. 16 as Amin was set to catch a flight to Turkey, Scaduto said. Amin has no known criminal history, Scaduto said. =========================================== Thanks to my dad for sending in these pictures:
Ferocactus-hamanthacanthus. This one bloomed today. It is now 30 years old and 25 cm (10") diameter. =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bonnie Re: Diskeeper Manual Hi Webby, Love your newsletters! I am interested in the Diskeeper, and opened the online manual to become familiar with it before using the trialware or purchase. It sounds like a very efficient defragmenter however very complicated to get it to work properly. You made it sound so simple. The manual for the home edition is 75 pages long and sounds very complicated. If it is Set It and Forget It - why 75 pages of instructions. Would it be possible to place in your newsletter, abbreviated or simplified overview, set up, or something regarding the product. Thanks, and keeping up the good work! An avid reader, Bonnie Dear Bonnie I didn't even know they had a manual! Never needed one. All I ever do is download it whenever we get a new machine, (or my secretary does), and elbow the Enter key a bunch of times to accept the defaults. I have been sorta vaguely aware that there probably are various options for complicating life, but have never been bored enough to waste time on them. The defaults are set so that it takes care of everything with a minimum of fuss, and it does it in the background whenever the screen saver comes on. That suits me fine. I doubt very much that your machine is so exceptional, that you will need to study the manual to cope with those exceptions. Just elbow it in and let it run. By the way, you don't have to buy a fresh registration to move Diskeeper to a new machine, just when you add another machine to the office or home, and want individual home versions on each. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== After the christening of his baby brother in church, little five-year-old Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet. Very softly he started to cry until his father noticed him sobbing. "What's wrong, little Johnny?" asked his father. Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a good Christian home, but, but, but I want to stay with you guys!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Di Ann had been divorced for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Tony, the gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Tony picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Tony also had been divorced for a long time and found himself very attracted to Di Ann, and despite her resistance to his advances at first, he finally was able to make love to her. Later, Di Ann was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!" Tony said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?" Di Ann looked at Tony and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 14, 2006 - Portage, Indiana - IBS Porter Superior Judge Julia Jent is sentencing the ticketed teens to the embarrassment of riding the school bus, if they are found guilty in her courtroom. Jent got the idea after a girl in her court for a moving traffic violation appeared not to take seriously either the offense or the possible fine. The judge, who has teenage grandchildren, said she knew she had reached the teen when she ordered her to park her car and ride the school bus and the girl started crying outside her courtroom. With that, she figured she found the right punishment. Teens not complying will be fined and have their licenses suspended. Jent also warns parents they could be held in contempt of court if they drive their child to school. Jent said making teenagers ride the bus also makes them take their driving violations seriously. Jent sent a memo to every law enforcement agency in her jurisdiction, telling them that all moving traffic citations involving drivers age 16 to 18 must be seen by her. She doesn't want their parents to pay a fine or have teens pay the fine and not tell mom and dad. If the teens violate the order to ride the bus, their driver's license will be suspended, and a fine must be paid. If they follow the order, the matter is dismissed. Of the dozen or so teens who were given the school-bus orders so far, one was ordered to nine weeks of school-bus riding. Another had total driving restrictions for an entire semester, according to the North West Indiana Times. "Oh my God, you would have thought I gave her and her mother the death penalty," Jent told the paper. The punishment is legal. The state statute allows a judge to place any violator on probationary conditions, including license suspensions. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Record Driving Directions I use my car's cassette player to "read" directions for me. I make the tape ahead of time, and start and stop it as needed along the way. This is especially good if someone has given you directions to their home, etc. - Pat Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Check out their new Blog" target="_blank" >http://www.myfrugallife.com">Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked. "Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied. "What's it for?" "It's a cussing machine," the second boy answered. "Every time she stands on it she gets really mad and starts cussing at me or dad." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are near any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m. Brooklyn, N.Y. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church, 2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy., Brooklyn, N.Y. Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at St. Francis DeSales Church, 139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd., Belle Harbor, New York Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. St. Stephen, South Carolina Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Sgt. John P. Phillips at Russellville Christian Church, 1681 Highway 35, St. Stephen, South Carolina Sat. Aug. 26 at 9:45 a.m. Onalaska, Wisconsin Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Air Force Sr. Airman Adam P. Servais at St. Patrick's Catholic Church, 1031 Main St., Onalaska, Wisconsin. Tuesday, August 29 at 9:45 a.m. Northville, Michigan Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Army Pvt. Joseph R. Blake at Ward Evangelical Presbyterian Church, 40000 6-mile Rd., Northville, Michigan I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Leroy was visiting a friend in the hospital. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "Leroy said, " Lady, I'm not smoking." "But you have a cigar in your mouth!", the woman said. "'Lady", Leroy answered, "I'm wearing Jockey shorts, too, but I don't ride horses indoors either." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Lady Beetles http://tinyurl.com/5ljeh http://www.nysaes.cornell.edu/ent/bioco ... intro.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning, ! Thursday, Aug 24, 2006 ====================================== Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. -- Dan Quayle ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this story: Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants. ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo.com for gross incompetence in mail handling. They managed to deliver Friday's mail, then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims since then. =========================================== Thanks to David for this story: Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then. "All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name." She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ulysse Maillet and the Montreal Gazzette Who's the bigger Bonehead ? Gazette Goof or Whining Weenie ? August 22, 2006 - Montreal - Canadian Press What are the odds of believing you've won the Lotto 6-49 jackpot for a few hours and then realizing your numbers were wrong? Ulysse Maillet thought he'd won a share of the $42-million prize on Aug. 12 after he checked the list of winning lottery numbers the next day in the Montreal Gazette. But it turns out the numbers were a repeat of the winning numbers from the 6-49 draw three days earlier. There was no disclaimer at the bottom of the page telling readers to officially check their numbers with the lottery. Maillet was back at work on Monday after taking a week off to deal with the shock of realizing he was not $10 million richer. "That's what I really had won as far as I was concerned for four or five hours," Maillet said in an interview. "Everybody was saying what are the chances of something like this happening." Now Maillet is seeking "a fair settlement" from the newspaper for the "devastation" he says he suffered. =========================================== Thanks to Dianne for sending in this picture:
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leesa Re: PPS Dear Webby I see someone else has questions about PPS files today, so thought I'd ask you about this one. I love these pictures, and would like to use them as my desktop wall paper...... one at a time, of course. How can I save them individually into my wallpaper folder? Obviously, I can't right click 'cause the save option isn't there. Appreciate your help, again. Have a wonderful day. Leesa Dear Leesa You need a graphics program like for example PSP (PaintShopPro) for that. Open that, then open the PPS slide show. When you get to a picture that you want, hit the PrintScreen key. That prints the picture into the clipboard. Then use ALT ESC to jump to PSP, hit CTRL V to paste the clipboard as a new picture. Save the picture and zoom the view down to thumbnail size. (Just the view, not the picture size.) ALT ESC back to the PPS slide show, proceed until you get to the next picture that you want, and repeat the procedure. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== DONEVIN'S HINT: Having YOUR own PROGRAM with no product of your own and no service required! Take a look now and find out how you can start taking home the kind of money you've been looking for. Go to http://jos.org/donevin =========================================== A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "Nope," he replied, "Arthritis.. ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: MAIN ENTRANCE. ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 22, 2006 - Isabela, Puerto Rico - AP The world's oldest person celebrated his 115th birthday Monday, offering advice on healthy living at a party where he was serenaded by a well-known Puerto Rican singer. Emiliano Mercado del Toro, who was a boy when the United States seized Puerto Rico from Spain in 1898, attributed his long life to a healthy diet and avoiding alcohol. "I never damaged my body with liquor," said Mercado, who quit a 76-year smoking habit when he was 90. Mercado was declared the world's oldest person by the Guinness Book of Records last year. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Carry Extra Zip-Lock Bags When Traveling When you travel, throw in a few extra zip-lock bags. They are great for wet swimsuits, a half-full bottle of shampoo, some animal crackers for the car, or even to fill with ice at the motel to use in the cooler while you drive. - Kate Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com I also use them for e-tickets, maps, map-quest print-outs, and rental car paperwork. When hiking, I use them for keeping the camera dry in sudden rain squalls, and quite often I have filled them with berries or mushrooms I found on route. DearWebby Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== Keli was having trouble with her computer. So she called Paul, the computer guy, over to her desk. Paul clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Keli called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And Paul replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Keli's face. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" Paul gave her a grin... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" "No," replied Keli. "Write it down," Paul said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m. Kansas City, Missouri Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home, 10507 Holmes Rd., Kansas City, Missouri Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m. Brooklyn, N.Y. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church, 2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy., Brooklyn, N.Y. Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at St. Francis DeSales Church, 139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd., Belle Harbor, New York Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!" ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Panoramas http://snipurl.com/vdiv http://www.trekearth.com/photos.php?filter=panoramas ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Good Morning! Wednesday, Aug 23, 2006 ====================================== "Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." -- Lou Holtz ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Kids in the back seat cause accidents, and accidents in the back seat cause kids. ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo.com for gross incompetence in mail handling. They managed to deliver Friday's mail, then yahoo'd the mail for most of their victims since then. =========================================== A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT Backdrop more interesting than the news August 22, 2006 - Sweden - The Scotsman Sweden's state broadcaster, SVT, faced ridicule yesterday after mistakenly showing a pornographic film in the background of a news broadcast. Viewers watching a five-minute bulletin at midnight on Saturday could see explicit scenes from a Czech blue movie on a TV screen behind the newsreader, Peter Dahlgren. The monitor - one of many on the wall of a control room visible behind the studio - normally shows other news channels during broadcasts. But staff who had earlier watched a sports event on the cable channel Canal Plus, which often shows X-rated films after midnight, had forgotten to switch it back, Per Yng, SVT's news director, said. "This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," he said. "It must not happen again." A producer quickly spotted the sex scenes and ran into the control room and turned off the monitor, Mr Yng said. He said there had been no complaints from viewers about the mishap, but "enormous interest from media". Swedish newspapers yesterday poked fun at the program, changing its name from Rapport to "Rapporn". ===========================================
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: PPS Dear Webby ...'sme again. Is there some way to forward something to a person that is still using Windows 98 when I'm on XP? I have sent a PPS file to my friend but he cannot open it. I think because he is still using 98. Do I have to save the data to my computer and then send each thing one at a time? I am forwarding the email to you separately because it is so incredible and I think you will appreciate it. Thanks for you help. Hugs Ann Dear Ann Windows 98 has nothing to do with that. All he needs is the normal pps PowerPoint viewer. He can get it free from Microsoft. The easiest way to get it is to go to http://webby.com/pps That forwards to the mile long link at Microsoft. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Whoops! IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of thef parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord." Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero. Miss Rumson has been appointed supervisor of Work Area Six, not (as stated in our last issue) Work Area Sex ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== The maiden aunt is visiting her family for the holidays. One night, the talk around the dinner table turns to what the older people did when they were young. The aunt interrupts and says, "I don't want to talk about my girlhood." "Why, auntie?" one of her nephews asks. "What did you do?" "Nothing," says the older woman. "That's why I don't want to talk about it." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 22, 2006 - Spiceland, Indiana - AP A postcard that a mother mailed to her son in 1948 was finally delivered to the recipient - but only after the town's postmaster bought it on eBay. Spiceland Postmaster Judy Dishman, who is away from her office on leave, bought the postcard because it featured a country view of the Spiceland area, about 65 kilometres east of Indianapolis. Dishman noticed the postcard was addressed to 82-year-old Charles "Rocky" Rose of Spiceland, so she delivered it. The card was from Rose's late mother, Dollie Rose. The mother and son used penny postcards to exchange news during the 1940s, while the son was working in Lima, Ohio, and the mother was in Spiceland, about 160 kilometres west. Part of the address is crossed out, and Rose isn't sure why the postcard was never mailed or where it has been for the last 58 years. The postcard reads in part, "Hi Buddy. How's my boy? Fine I hope." To Rocky Rose, the words are priceless. "I wouldn't sell it for nothing on earth," he said. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Baby Powder for Sand Carry baby powder with you to the sandbox or beach. After the children get off the of sand, sprinkle them with the baby powder. It dries up the sand and causes it to fall right off! No more tracking sand in the house or car! - Amy Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?" ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m. Kansas City, Missouri Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home, 10507 Holmes Rd., Kansas City, Missouri Fri., Aug. 25 at 8:15 a.m. Brooklyn, N.Y. Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Marine Capt. John J. McKenna IV at Immaculate Heart of Mary Catholic Church, 2805 Ft. Hamilton Pkwy., Brooklyn, N.Y. Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York Perverts plan to harass the funeral for Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at St. Francis DeSales Church, 139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd., Belle Harbor, New York Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to harass the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother." "Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday." "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Oshkosh Trip http://silvairehair2.home.comcast.net/072806/ ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN
Dear Webby
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Good Morning, ! Tuesday, Aug 22, 2006 ====================================== The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority. -- Ralph W. Sockman Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. -- Leo Rosten ====================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== Thanks to Roberta for this story: A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away. The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150.00!", she screamed, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!" "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00. ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo.com for gross incompetence in mail handling. They managed to deliver Friday's mail, then yahoo'd Saturday's, Sunday's and Monday's mail for most of their victims. =========================================== The farmer took pity on a young passerby and agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment was to paint the barn, which he did, including the tail of the donkey that poked through knot hole in the barn. The farmer was furious, but promised to give the boy another chance. This time he told him to string barb wire around the farm land, which he did, but when the rooster wouldn't stay out of the way he nailed him by accident to the fence post. The farmer this time was more furious that the last time, but again promised to give the boy one last chance. This time he told him to mow the yard, which he did, but the grass was so high he didn't see the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the poor kitty over, hurting him badly. The farmer got so furious this time he called the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested. "Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he painted my ass red, Next he nailed my cock to the fence and finally, he ran over my wife's pussy with a lawn mower!" =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Leli, 18 of Suffolk County, NY Expensive ticket! August 20, 2006 - New York - AP A Suffolk County teenager loved the Mets so much that authorities say he posed as a reporter to get into Shea Stadium and talk with players. Police arrested the 18-year-old Leli Friday night at Shea just before the start of the New York Mets-Colorado Rockies game and charged him with impersonating a journalist, the Queens District Attorney announced Saturday. Prosecutors say Leli told New York Mets management that he worked for NBC Universal and showed a fake NBC employee identification card so he could get press credentials. Leli first used the press pass to attend an Aug. 10 game between the Mets and the San Diego Padres. Authorities said Leli used the pass to approach and chat with players including Mike Piazza before and after that game. Leli used the fake NBC identification again Friday to get another press pass for the Mets-Rockies game. Mets management apparently became suspicious and contacted authorities. Leli was also charged with criminal possession of a forged instrument, falsifying business records, larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, criminal impersonation and criminal trespass. He was arraigned Saturday in Queens Criminal Court and released on his own recognizance. Leli was scheduled to return to court on Sept. 27. He faces up to seven years in prison. =========================================== Thanks to Dianne for this picture of the Dolomites
=========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Debi Re: NotifyAlert.exe I enjoy your newsletter every day! Today I have a computer question that has been bugging my computer for some time. I continually get a “Notifyalert.exe.common language runtime debugging service” Application has generated an exception that could not be handled. Processid=Oxd8(3288), thread id= Oxda8 (3496), Click ok to terminate application. Or, click cancel to debug the application. No matter what I do, I can not get rid of this. I have done all the normal stuff to get rid of this, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for your great humor each and every day! Debi Dear Debi The NotifyAlert.exe is something DELL puts onto their computer, so that they can pop a message whenever they have something new to sell you. Even though you paid cash for your computer, they treat you as if you have an ad supported freebie. On newer computers that come with XP-SP2 pre-installed, you can usually turn that off through the “Quick Links \ Settings” option in Dell Support (“Start \ Programs \ Dell Applications \ Support \ Support”). If the NotifyAlert.exe is from before XP-SP2, then you usually will have a problem sooner or later, if you have not turned that off before the SP-2 upgrade or whatever security patch conflicts with it. Personally, I can't blame Windows for for getting suspicious and uncooperative when some uninvited ads come barging in. The users demanded protection from that sort of stuff, and Windows obligingly provides it. If you can't turn the NotifyAlert off, just go into Control Panel Add/Remove Programs and dump DELL Support. Your machine probably is out of warranty anyway, but according to all the forums, DELL can't help you with that problem anyway. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== My friend Chad, the author of "No-Bull Gunfighting" has a birthday today. So I'll give him a plug for his famous TAG: Tactical Achievement of Goals Unleash The Warrior Within You You can order that special report at http://tinyurl.com/f82ce Happy Birthday, Chad! ========================================== An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to make a perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner, but there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I can't catch him!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Thanks to Lisa for this story: I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM machine down there....." ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos Janesville, Wisconsin - AP Not even triple-bypass surgery has kept Rita Roherty from the shotgun shooting that has been her life's passion. The 82-year-old great-grandmother underwent surgery last year, and then recovered to win a bronze medal in the women's shooting division of the Badger State Games in June. She hit 91 of 100 clay pigeons to take third place in the competition, three years after winning the gold. ''When a gun fits you, it don't kick,'' she said of her pet Browning Lightning 12-gauge over-under shotgun. Roherty, born Rita McAuliffe in 1923, had 14 children in 28 years of marriage before her husband, Donald Glynn, died. Then she met George Roherty, who took her trap shooting on the couple's first date in 1973. ''It was a very good couples thing to do,'' she said. She says she shoots because she likes competing. When she won her gold medal in shooting, she hit enough clay pigeons to tie a woman half her age, then won in a shoot-off by hitting all 10 pigeons, she recalled. She said she intends to keep shooting as long as she can still hold the gun, and she'll take on men as well as women. But be forewarned: Roherty admits she sometimes can't resist asking competitors, ''You let an old lady beat you?'' =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tablecloths for Fabric If you sew, a great way to find cheap fabric is to look at garage sales for tablecloths. Even if they have a stain or two, there will be plenty of good fabric for you to use for other projects. Tablecloths come in a variety of thicknesses, sizes and patterns so you can find fabric for a variety of projects. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A Texan is bragging to his cousin in Montana. "On mah fahrm in Taxas," he drawls, "I can git on mah tractor, ride all daiy long, and still be on mah fahrm by nightfohl." "Yeah", replies his cousin, "I know what you mean. I once used to have a John Deere tractor like that too." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Thur., Aug. 24 10:15 a.m. Kansas City, Missouri Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Kevin L. Zeigler at Mount Moriah & Freeman Funeral Home, 10507 Holmes Rd., Kansas City, Missouri Saturday, August 26 at 9 a.m. Belle Harbor, New York Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Lance Cpl. Michael D. Glover at St. Francis DeSales Church, 139-16 Rockaway Beach Blvd., Belle Harbor, New York Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to picket the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== Thanks to Mona for this story: Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time." I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa. ======================================== Thanks to Kim for this Bonus Link: Battle of the frogs http://ctamp.homestead.com/ThreadCityXingFrogs.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby
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Good Morning ! Monday, Aug 21, 2006 Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. -- Russell Baker , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== "Oh Doctor, My husband thinks he is a chicken." "Oh no - how long has this been going on?" "About a year!" "A year! Why did you wait so long to come see me?" "Well, we needed the eggs." ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Yahoo.com for gross incompetence in mail handling. They managed to deliver Friday's mail, then yahoo'd Saturday's and Sunday's mail for most of their victims. =========================================== A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Detlef Federsohn, 23, in Vienna, Austria Not ready for real life August 18, 2006 - Vienna, Austria - Ananova A young Austrian convict missed prison so much after his release that he tried to break back in. Detlef Federsohn, 23, was released from the Josefstadt prison in the Austrian capital Vienna after serving two years for theft. But he was arrested last week when police were called out to a suspected prison break after he was spotted on the roof of the jail. Federsohn said: "Life is so much easier on the inside. They feed you, do your washing and let you watch TV, which I can tell you is a lot more than my mum does. So I thought if I could sneak back in I would blend in with the others and the screws wouldn't notice." =========================================== Thanks to Ross, who likes his salad VERY fresh, for this picture:
=========================================== Get Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Tuck Re: Get rid of Windows log-on prompt Dear Webby: You have a great newsletter it is the first one I read every day keep up the good work. I seem to have run into a bit of a problem and am not quiet sure how to resolve it. When I turn on my computer it normally boots up to the Desktop and you can proceed from there what you want to do. Now when I turn on my computer it boots up to the shutdown screen and asks to turn off my computer or to log on as Tuck and you can change your log on preferences after the computer boots up. Hasn't been doing this. Have tried error checking, disk defragment, run all my maintenance tools. Spybot Found a few nasties. but that didn't help either, removed them. Booted up in safe mood and selected normal start up, nothing seems to work. How do I get it changed back to the way it normally is supposed to boot up? I am at a loss as to why it is booting up differently, any help you can give me will be greatly appreciated never had this to happen before. Thank you in advance for your help. Thanks Tuck Dear Tuck Try the solution shown here: http://snipurl.com/v94v Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The department head who was giving him his instructions said, "And another thing. You must remember the telephone number here. IF you are ever calling in from an outside line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't understand." "Oh, nohtin , Senor," the new page said. "I jus donnow how to dial ta capital four!" ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Thanks to Connie for this: My mother-in-law says that she can not understand how the lackluster, low mentality, loser that her daughter had the misfortune to marry could have produced such smart, intelligent, beautiful, and wonderful grandchildren. She is inclined to believe that genetics skips every other generation. Therefore she is not holding out much hope for her great-grandchildren. ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 18, 2006 - Wichita, Kansas - IBS A perfect score on the American College Testing exam (ACT) is rare enough. The same goes for perfection on the SAT Reasoning Test. But acing both? That's what a high school senior in Wichita has accomplished -- 17-year-old Jakub Voboril of Bishop Carroll High School said he scored a perfect 36 on the ACT and a 2,400 on the SAT in the same week in June. "It wasn't so much a feeling of, 'Wow, I'm shocked,' because I went in thinking I could do this," Jakub told The Wichita Eagle. "So it's just a good feeling. I'm really happy." His perfect score on the ACT test is one of only two in Kansas. It came after he scored 32 and 34 on his first two tries. Jakub learned of his perfect SAT score soon after hearing about his other ace. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. Outlook Depressed patch ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Leftover Cereal for Casseroles Use leftover or stale cereal as a casserole topper. Just crumble it up and use in place of or in addition to crackers. Not all types of cereal work well for this. For example, Fruit Loops (or other sweetened cereal) probably wouldn't work well as a casserole topper, but cheerios and corn flakes can taste fantastic. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?", she asked. "Because I pssed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at Huber Heights Funeral Home, 5844 Old Troy Pike, Huber Heights, Ohio Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to picket the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a real bugler for military funerals, browse to Buglers ======================================== From Chuck W Dear Webby, my dear friend Sheila sent me the attached email. I laughed my butt off. thought you might like to print it. Have her permission in the attachments. Speaking of Jackie, his two sons, Aaron and Ty, spent the night with me last week. Aaron always writes me a story when here, and Ty-Ty likes for me to scan and print cartoon pages he can color. I always give them folders to put their work in. When they got home, Marijane was unpacking their bag and said she nearly fainted. Ty-Ty had two folders -- one was clearly marked "fineshit" and the other "unfineshit." She said she called him in and shrieked, "What is this -- what IS this!?" Ty-Ty looked at her, clearly puzzled. "That one," he said, pointing to the first one, is "finished," and that one is "unfinished." Don't you just love grandkids? Sure...send away...if I had collected all the funny Ty-Ty things over his 8 years, I would have a wonderful book. He's the one I told you about that I couldn't find one day...I ran into the back yard and saw him at the top of a tree. I started running in circles, screaming for him to come down, to be careful. etc., in a state of hysteria. He called down reassuringly -- "Don't worry Nanny - I'm a CONfessional tree climber...." ======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Freight Train Graffiti http://www.misterw.com/Freights01.html and http://www.graffiti.org/faq/ftg/freight ... ffiti.html ======================================== , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby
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Good Morning, Text-Start ! Saturday, Aug 19, 2006 ====================================== All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why. -- James Thurber Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. -- Carl Jung ====================================== Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:Thanks for your votes! =========================================== It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The other camper laughed and retorted, "Those black snakes aren't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!!!!" ===========================================
A "Sniveling Ninny" award goes to Censorship at us.army.mil for being overprotective of the fighting forces and censoring the Humor Letter. =========================================== A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright - you can have your freaking deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it....!" =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 3 poor sports in Danielsville, Georgia Wrong place to fish! August 17, 2006 - Danielsville, Georgia - AP Fishing in someone else's well-stocked fish pond without permission isn't a good idea -- especially if that pond belongs to the sheriff. Three men spent the better part of four days in the Madison County, Ga., jail after being charged with fishing in a pond without the owner's permission. The pond is owned by Madison County Sheriff Clayton Lowe. A state conservation ranger Saturday arrested Brian Keith Wallace, 35, Michael Shannon Fricks, 32, and Christopher Carldon Wallace, 37, on the misdemeanor charge. Lowe said they were released Tuesday after paying a fine. Lowe said he stocked the pond with about $1,200 worth of catfish and bream last spring to give disabled children a fun day outside fishing. But sometime before the fishing day, someone drove a four-wheel all-terrain vehicle under a cable stretched across the road leading to the pond and began catching the fish. The sheriff paid $360 to restock the pond before the children's fishing day. "It all worked out. They caught plenty of fish," he said. =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for sending this picture:
=========================================== Free Dish network Satellite TV Free equipment & installation National Dishnetwork Retailer Become Dish network affiliate http://www.AFreeDish.com http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erika Re: Laptop and air travel Dear Webby, Considering the new restrictions, what do you recommend re laptops, especially if they have to go into the checked luggage? Erika Dear Erika Take out the hard drive and put it into your purse or wallet. You can even get padded drive wallets made for USB drives. Laptop drives are small enough that you can easily jam them into even a very tight camera case. All you need to take it out and put it back in is a small Phillips screwdriver. The type that looks like a short pencil and goes on a key ring is ideal, but a key, with the edges at the tip sharpened a bit, works fine too. The rest of the laptop is replaceable. Don't get one of thoe fancy show-off Zero-Halliburton padded metal cases! Their locks are not TSA approved and your laptop may stay behind while you travel. A fancy case will just tempt somebody to rip it off. When I travel, I take along a piece of 5mm (3/16") Lexan, precision cut with rounded corners to just fit into my big carry-on. Well, it used to be my carry-on, now it gets checked in. Hotels usually have low chairs and high tables unsuitable for laptops. So I jam that Lexan into a slightly opened dresser or night-stand drawer, and have a perfect laptop table. It also protects the contents of the carry-on. When you pack, keep in mind that when the baggage handlers slam the luggage onto the conveyor, they do it with the top down and wheels UP. With the top protected by the Lexan (or plexiglass) and the bottom by the wheel and handle framework, and the laptop somewhere in the middle, cushioned by clothes, it's quite safe. If you do have one of those fancy cases with stiff, high density black foam inside, rip that foam out and throw it away. At impact speed from dropping it, it's as hard as oak, and can wreck your laptop. Keep in mind that a laptop has almost 200 square inches of surface on each side. Will the foam compress if you stand on the laptop? The black high- density foam won't. Just use tee shirts, a blanket or any soft clothing instead, or the softest foam you can find. Those fancy hard shell laptop cases are fine for bus and subway, but in my opinion not suitable for today's air travel. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a depression." ========================================== Discount inkjet cartridges & toner cartridges Inkjet Refill Kits at lowest prices. HP & Lexmark ink cartridges Save up to 70% on printer ink http://www.Ask4Ink.com http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs. Since it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade, and C grade. One student, who had spent the weekend on more "extra-curricular pursuits," went to the bank, and as his course was a standard one he took out a paper for a inconspicuous C. He then retyped it and handed the work in. In due course he received it back with the professor's comments. "I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it was worth an A, and now I'm pleased to give it one!" ===========================================
Deeli's Kudos August 16, 2006 - New Orleans - AP U.S. Rep. Bobby Jindal, of Louisiana, used to dream of becoming a doctor. Tuesday, he got a chance to act like one. Jindal barely had time to call 911 after his wife woke up with labor pains. A few minutes later, he helped deliver his own son. Slade Ryan Jindal arrived before the ambulance did, at about 3:25 a.m. Jindal, who was coached over the phone by a nurse, put the baby in his wife's arms and tied off the umbilical cord with a shoestring. The couple's two other children slept through the birth, according to a Jindal spokesman. The child is the couple's third and was born two days before his due date, but weighed in at a healthy 8 pounds, 2 ounces. Mother and baby are resting comfortably at a Louisiana hospital. =============================================
The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ http://fire-cat.com/blog/ You can post your questions there and read current and past queries and replies, or email to the Express Empress at empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. Outlook Depressed patch ============================================= Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refinancing - Points Vs. No Points When refinancing a home mortgage you will get a lower interest rate if you agree to pay 1 or 2 "points". The loan manager may offer you "6.75% with no points" or "6.25% with 2 points". 2 points means that you will have to pay 2% of the total amount of the mortgage to the lender in addition to any closing costs. On a $200,000 loan, that's $4,000. Even with the lower interest rate, It can take 5 to 10 years to cover that additional expense. So if you aren't going to be in a house long term, it's better pass on the points. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun http://www.thriftyfun.com/subscribe.ldml Subscribe and get access to their new Printable Coupon page! Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly contests! Contest If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here: http://www.cumuli.com/ezines/vote.html? ... ;/font>
======================================== A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man then proceeded to look directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." ======================================== Pervert Alert If you are in any of these towns, please help shield the families of a fallen hero from the Westboro Perverts The members of the Westboro Perverts harrass the families of fallen soldiers and miners during the funeral, and proclaim that their deaths are Gods punishment for US non-discrimination laws. Saturday, August 19 at 7:15 a.m., Killeen, TX. Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Kenneth A. Jenkins at Crawford- Bowers Funeral Home, 1615 S. Fort Hood St., Killeen, TX. Monday, August 21 at 9:15 a.m. Huber Heights, Ohio Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Pfc. James P. White Jr.at Huber Heights Funeral Home, 5844 Old Troy Pike, Huber Heights, Ohio Saturday, August 26 at 10:15 a.m. Hood River, Oregon Perverts plan to picket the memorial for Petty Officer 2nd Class Marc A. Lee at Expo Center, 405 Portway Ave., Hood River, Oregon I am not endorsing those non-discrimination laws. Military hiring practises should not be dictated by the ACLU. However, I applaud ANY ACTION to shield the bereaved families of miners and war heroes, - who had absolutely nothing to do with the Government giving in to the ACLU -, from those despicable Westboro perverts. DearWebby ========================================
To find a bugler for military funerals, browse to http://www.buglesacrossamerica.org/volunteer.php ======================================== From Wade Friday, August 18 at 10:45 a.m. Seattle, Wash. Perverts plan to picket the funeral for Army Staff Sgt. Tracy L. Melvin at Yarrington White Center Funeral Home, 10708 16th Ave. SW, Seattle, Wash. My family and I are on vacation when we got word of this funeral, we were in the Seattle area so we purchased flags and joined with the Patriot Guard for the morning to honor this soldier. I am happy to report that no perverts ventured this far north, and it was a respectful service. Wade
======================================== Thanks to Dianne for this Bonus Link: Worldwide Disaster Alert Map http://snipurl.com/v62s ======================================== Text-Start, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes! Give a free gift subscription to a friend! ======================================== Well, Text-Start, that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby
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