Dear Webby: Windows CardCare Sunday, September 30, 2007, 07:39 AM
Good Morning, !
Sunday, Sept 30, 2007
Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a
president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since
he told me that, I stopped worrying.
--- Ronald Reagan
Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one,
and I actually receive my mail there.
--- Scott Adams
From Bill
Re: wireless internet
Tell them to check into "Clearwire" (www.clearwire.com), a lot of
areas have it now. As for cellphone based internet, if she is in an
area where the "3G" network is (AT&T for one), it has quite
satisfactory speeds.
Bill
From John
Re: Wear something red on Friday to show your support of the
troops
Suggestion: Mention this on Thursday instead of Friday. For me,
and probably many others, I am already dressed for the day when
I get your reminder on Friday and it is inconvenient for me to go
back and change clothes.
John Birch
Will do!
DearWebby
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: 
Thanks for your votes!
 An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the Tennessee Lottery Commission
Win, Win, Win!
September 22, 2007 - Nashville, Tennessee - UPI
The Tennessee Lottery decided to make good on two sets of
numbers after broadcasting the wrong ones as winners.
The recent glitch cost the state about $25,000, The (Nashville)
Tennessean reported. It was the third foul-up in the month since
the lottery switched from numbers generated by pop-up balls to
computer-generated numbers.
In the most recent mistake, an employee pushed the wrong
button, sending a test-run to television stations instead of the
real winners. Lottery officials quickly corrected the error.
In earlier mistakes, misprinted tickets almost doubled the size
of the Powerball jackpot from $15 million to $29 million and in
August a programming error kept certain numbers from being
drawn.
http://www.arcamax.com/weirdnews/s-236505-749172
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her Birds of Paradise!
This one bloomed today.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lori
Re: Windows CardCare
Dear Webby.
Hi--sure do enjoy your newsletter. I have a question I hope
you can answer. In my control panel, a new program is showing
up called Windows CardCare. I did not install it, and it
does not show up in the installed programs list. I have run 4
different spyware programs, and it does not show up.
When I mouse over the program icon, it says
"Manage Information Cards used to log on and register with
Websites and online services".
When I right click it, it gives 4 options: open,cut,create shortcut
and delete. When I hit the delete, it asked if I wanted to remove
the icon. When I tried to open it(yes, stupid of me, I know),
it froze up my computer and I had to do a hard reboot to get
out of it. I looked it up on google and other search engines,
and can't find anything. Do you have any idea what it is, can
I remove it, and if so, how? Thank you so much for any help
you can give me.
Lori
Dear Lori
I could not find anything about "Windows CardCare" either,
not even at Microsoft.
While it is entirely possible that it is some kind of wanna-be
imitation of RoboForm, or pretending to be, I personally would
not trust a program acting like malware and not having a
legitimate and complete un-install facility.
If I encountered something that I did not install and could
not get rid off, I would back up the data and format the machine.
However, I will post this and see if somebody else has heard
about it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His
nephew asked him what happened.
"You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who
stands around and watches the other men work?"
"What's that got to do with it?" he asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained.
"Everyone thought I was the foreman."
 Deeli's Kudos
September 30, 2007 - Scottsdale, Arizona - Happy News
Phoenix's Sunnyslope Youth Center will get a makeover on
Sept. 28, when volunteers from Henkel North America in
Scottsdale, which markets brands like Renuzit(R) air
fresheners, Dial(R) soap, and Purex(R) laundry detergents,
visit to lend a helping hand to the center. The Youth Center
specializes in offering Hip Hop, Break Dancing, Ballet
Folklorico and mural arts classes to youth ages 12 to 18.
More than 20 employees from Henkel will team up with
volunteers from Sunnyslope, as well as Keep Phoenix
Beautiful, an affiliate of Keep America Beautiful, the nation's
largest volunteer-based community action and education
organization, to help clean and refurbish the center.
The Sunnyslope outreach is an extension of the beautification
work Henkel volunteers from Scottsdale will be doing earlier
in the week in Gainesville, Texas, a community selected in
a recent national contest. Both visits are part of Henkel's
celebration of Friendship Day, which marks the company's
founding on Sept. 26, 1876, in Germany.
http://www.happynews.com/news/9202007/s ... g-hand.htm
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
No Jumping on The Mattress
While it's a lot of fun, don't let kids or adults jump on
mattresses. It can permanently damage the supports inside
the mattress and cause it to wear out faster. A small
trampoline is much cheaper than buying a new mattress.
It can also be dangerous.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke
to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted
on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood
facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The stupid lion got
himself in trouble, let him get himself out of it."
Richard said he had a hat that says, "For sale- Ex Wife. Take
over payments."
Leo said, "It was all going OK until we split the house. Seems
I got the OUT-side."
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Wireless Broadband Internet Saturday, September 29, 2007, 08:20 AM
Good Morning, !
Saturday, Sept 29, 2007
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
--- Willis Player
Thanks to Cookie for this story:
Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this....true story.
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small
new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a
double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car,
drove to the center of the village and went straight to the
combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store. Paul
Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.
The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact
with those famous baby-blue eyes. With a slow smile, the
actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled
demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily
married woman with three grown children, you're fifty years
old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took
the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and
her change in the other. Then she went out the door,
avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of
change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone?
Oh for heavens sake did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the
clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice
cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face
broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,
"You put it in your purse."
Thanks to Cookie for bringing back this classic:
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumour.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded
for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who
ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know
what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me
about my student let's take a moment to test what you're
going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if
it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of
Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my
student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something
bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though, because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be
useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held
in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was
banging his wife.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon
Re: Wireless broadband Internet
Dear Webby.
I love your humor. I've told many of your jokes to many
people. Thanks for sharing them & your pics.
I was asked by a friend if there was any wireless internet
service she could check into that did not require a land
phone line. I believe she uses a cell phone only & does not
have cable tv either. I told her I would ask someone who
would probably know. Your tech dept has been a lot of help.
Also I keep seeing soemthing that says to use the "return"
key to get back to something previoulsy viewed. What is the
retuen key? I susally use the back arrow button on the taskbar.
Just curious. Thanks again.
Sharon
Dear Sharon
Verizon and a few others have a cell modem. It works slightly
better than dial-up, but everybody I know that uses it, hates it.
They consider it an emergency measure until they can get
back to DSL or cable.
Then there is Wireless High Speed Internet in some areas.
Some towns have it, but most don't. Most rural areas in Canada
have it, but in the US, most don't have it yet.
Unless your friend is on the run, I would recommend that she get
herself a land line.
Return Key: With electric typewriters, that's the Carriage Return
key that looks like the Enter key on a computer keyboard.
Some silly bozos call the BackSpace key a "Return key". That is
usually due to too much booze and/or dope and not remembering
that the phrase is supposed to be:
To return to the previous page,
hit the Backspace key.
By the way, in the really old days, before electric typewriters,
you had to slap the carriage to return it to the right. That led to
a few hilarious moments when typists switched to Wang Word
Processors, IBM DisplayWrite or PCs, as you can see in this
movie that Noella sent me today.
Return!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading
Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees
the paper, and stops - in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You
should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories
about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of
the Jewish people. I like to read about good news."
His friend gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in
that paper???"
"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money,
the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the
Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all *good* news!"
Deeli's Kudos
September 18, 2007 - Japan - AP
Tomoji Tanabe was born Sept. 18, 1895, and was named the
world's oldest living male after the death of a Puerto Rican man
who died in January at the age of 115.
The mayor of Tanabe's hometown presented the elder with a
bouquet and a letter of congratulations.
A former city land surveyor who lives with his son and
daughter-in-law, Tanabe is in good health and is known to guzzle
milk. He also keeps a diary, avoids alcohol and does not smoke.
Japan has one of the world's longest average life spans, a factor
often attributed to a healthy diet rich in fish and rice.
http://www.wftv.com/family/14143039/detail.html
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
No Jumping on The Mattress
While it's a lot of fun, don't let kids or adults jump on
mattresses. It can permanently damage the supports inside
the mattress and cause it to wear out faster. A small
trampoline is much cheaper than buying a new mattress.
It can also be dangerous.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Four older ladies are sitting around playing
bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known
you all a long time and there is something I must
get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But,
don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I
never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having
true confessions here, I must get something off
my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't
worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't
interest me and never will; we have been friends
for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess
something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I
will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have
been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a
confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable
gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
A little girl was playing quietly while her mom and another
lady friend were talking. The little girl let out a big fart.
Her mother said "What do you say Suzy?", expecting the
reply, "Excuse me."
What she said instead was
"Watch out, here comes another one!"
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Install the phone Friday, September 28, 2007, 07:42 AM
Good Morning, !
Friday, Sept 28, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
They always say time changes things,
but you actually have to change them yourself.
--- Andy Warhol
Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening
when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet,
amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached
a note: "Unless you pay us $10,000 according to instructions,
we will kidnap your wife."
After some thought, Smith sat down at his desk and penned a
reply:
"Gentlemen,
Your rock of this date has been received. I don't have $10,000
at this time. However, keep in touch, as your proposition
interests me..."
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always
kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some
to a guest, who took a big spoonful.
When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped,
"I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first
one I've met who passed out a sample of it..."
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Susan Lee
Re: Subscription
Dear Webby,
I have been receiving your newsletter for some time now. I am registered
under ...@alphalink.com.au. Early this year I changed over to a broadband
connection and change to ...@netspace.net.au. For about six months I
received the newsletter at this address but then it suddenly stopped coming
in. I reverted back to the alphalink address and that one works. However
that account is about to expire this week and I need to get it back through
the netspace account. I have been through everything I can think of. I have
your email address in my address book, I have double checked all my junk
mail settings to make sure your address didn't get entered by mistake and I
have also added you to the white list in my netspace site.
But I still can't get the newsletter on the netspace address.
Can you suggest anything else? I know I can just go to your website and read
it there but I would still like to get it sent to me direct as I enjoy
reading your newsletter very much. And I just love the pictures that you
send with it especially the cactus flowers from your dad.
Hoping you can help,
Regards
Susan Lee
Dear Susan Lee
Your Humor Letter gets INTO the netspace server.
Once it is in their server, there is nothing more that I can do about it.
You will have to screech a temper tantrum at the boneheads,
and may have to threaten dire consequences.
Here is some ammo that you can use:
The Dear Webby Humor Letter is "The Good Example" for legitimate newsletters:
The Dear Webby Humor Letter
is sent from a server that has a Listed Sender ID,
it has a privacy policy listed,
it has FULL contact information listed,
it is sent to double-opt-in verified subscribers only,
it has click-on un-subscribe links,
it shows the subscriber which of their addresses is subscribed,
it has an on-line copy ( at http://webby.com/humor ),
it is sent from a company that has never spammed,
it is sent from a server that has never been used for spamming,
it is sent from a hosting system that does not allow spamming,
it has consistent, never changing headers.
it is family safe.
webby.com 64.237.99.19 is not in ANY RBL blacklist:
http://www.dnsstuff.com/tools/ip4r.ch?ip=64.237.99.19
The Humor Letter always has these lines in the header:
From: humor@webby.com
Reply-To: humor@webby.com
Those lines have not changed in 11 years and
can be used for white-listing
With the Listed Sender ID, even the excuse,
that spammers may have forged a Webby address
as their sender address, falls flat.
In summary, there is absolutely NO legitimate reason
or excuse for ANY spam complaint regarding the
DearWebby Humor Letter or any mail from webby.com,
and any complaint only discredits the complainer.
Any failure to deliver or bounce only proves the
incompetence of the recipient's mail service.
Good Luck
DearWebby
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Thanks to Vickey for this one:
"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving.
"Don't you see that car is braking?"
Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck, his tire is wobbling."
The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about
his loose wheel.
The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated
by the incessant squealing of the CB.
"Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.
"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."
Deeli's Kudos
September 21, 2007 - Sichuan Province, China - Gimundo
If you're single, you may think it's hard to meet that special
someone – but you've still got it way better than wild pandas
in China do.
After all, the 600 pandas in China's Sichuan Province can't
meet up at bars or coffee shops. They probably can't hack
it at Match.com, either. And these days, even crossing paths
in the jungle can be problematic.
Since the 1950s, the pandas' mountainous territory has been
divided in two by a major highway. As if that isn't enough of a p
itfall, the poor animals also have the high waters of the nearby
river to contend with.
"The pandas want to find a mate, but they can't cross the river.
In the south part, the pandas cannot communicate with each
other, because the landscape is fragmented," biologist Yin
Kaipu told Australia's Daily Telegraph.
Luckily, scientists have finally come up with an innovative way
to bring the lovelorn pandas from the North and the South together
again. Their solution? A special bamboo-filled "dating and mating
lane" that links the two disparate regions.
Sure, the new bamboo corridor may not be as classy as the
restaurant your last date took you to – but as far as the pandas
are concerned, it's got a special ambiance of its own. If nothing
else, it provides them with the perfect opportunity to mingle with
the opposite sex – which should go a long way towards keeping
this amazing species alive and thriving for many years to come.
http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/5 ... red_Pandas
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Checkout Surprise
Tired of being surprised by the total when you get at the
checkout? Carry a small calculator and keep a running
total as you go through the store. It eliminates the surprise
(or shock) of hearing the total from the checker and also
makes it easy to stick to your grocery budget.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited.
His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young
doctor told her to send him in.
Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as
the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll
expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."
He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"
"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone...."
Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a
resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.
"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that
every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in
bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed
for a week."
"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me
to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix
it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Cornstarch
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: When to format and start over Thursday, September 27, 2007, 09:35 AM
Good Morning, !
Thursday, Sept 27, 2007
When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint,
something inside always reminds or informs you that
there are bigger and better things to worry about.
---Albert Einstein
Two old men were comparing their sex lives.
First Guy "I can still do it twice!"
Second Guy "Impressive, which time is best?"
First Guy "I think the winter..."
There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every
Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives, so one day
after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were
waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a
diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports
car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have
to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this
morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or
Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might
get chilly out there!"
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Cookie for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Chaloots
Re: Windows malfunction
Dear Webby,
....But I'm unable to vote or open any of Diane's pages.
My arrow goes on the open part then turns into a small hand,
but when I click on them nothing happens ...they don't open up.
Any ideas ???
Also I have recently hooked up with Roadrunner last July,
and have had trouble everyday since.
When I open it asks for my name & password.
I type it in but it wont take my password, so I have to change it.
I wouldn't mind once in awhile but every day..
Even if I go to a different page with out closing it, I return and
it wont take my pass word again.
So I have to do the above mention again.
I have had 2 men come to my home and set me up, but the
following day it starts all over again.
Got me stumped......................... any suggestions ????
Would appreciate a reply when ever you get a chance.
Sincerely,
Chaloots
Dear Chaloots
If my computer acted THAT weirdly, I would format it and
re-install everything,
or sell it and get a new one.
Good Luck
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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A newly married couple went to a family picnic at his parent's house,
and the new wife was doing her best to learn the names of brothers,
sisters, cousins, and all of the associated wives, husbands and
children.
However, there was one guy there that she just couldn't keep straight in
her mind, no matter what she tried. Finally, he bailed her out, telling
her his name was Dick.
"Of course!" she said quickly, without thinking. "How could I ever
forget? You even *look* like a Dick!"
Deeli's Kudos
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a
woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she
was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged
portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have
them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom
over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted
bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Saving Money on Packed Lunches
All four of my kids take packed lunches. To save money on
the snacks that go in, I buy big bags of chips, cheeses,
whatever, and bargain sandwich bags, then pack the snacks
in them. I also make my own peanut butter crackers too, with
saltines or Ritz-type.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also
retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening
persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the
Army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again
fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered
the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the
general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the
bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~
handy to have around and
easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren...
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Goofy Cats
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have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Vista Mail Problems Wednesday, September 26, 2007, 08:29 AM
Good Morning, !
Wednesday, Sept 26, 2007
First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from
catching the complaint a second time.
--- Honore de Balzac
One never notices what has been done;
one can only see what remains to be done.
--- Marie Curie
From Jai:
Dear Webby,
Just wanted to tell you I snagged that hard drive for $35. +
$19.95 shipping. So for $55. I have a great photo keeper.
Thanks to you and your timely information.
So here is another joke for you:
A city slicker was driving too fast when he came over a
hill and encountered a flock of chickens in the middle of
the country road. He slammed on the brakes and scattered
the flock, but ran over the rooster.
Wanting to do the right thing, he stopped at the farmhouse
to report what had happened. When the old farmer came
to the door, the motorist confessed, "I just ran over your
rooster, but I'm willing to replace him".
"Fine", said the farmer. "Let me hear you crow".
Jai...>^.^<...
Thanks to Unc Wes for this one:
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rita
Re: Vista mail
Dear Webby,
I need your help.I have a new computer which we bought
about two months ago.It has windows vista on it.I'm using
Inetrnet Explorer as my browser.I have one email that I
cannot delete.I restored my comp. thinking that would help.
It didn't.When I try to delete it a message comes up and
says,message could not be read,windows mail encountered
an unexpected problem while displaying this message.
Check your comp. for low memory or low disk space and
try again.I shouldn't have low disk space.Have hardly used
anything on it.I have a 320 GB hard drive.Hopefully you can
help.
Thanks,
Rita T
Dear Rita
That is one of the reasons I still recommend to stick with XP
and wait with Vista until it works properly.
In your case, it looks like Vista broke the email database
by deleting part of a message, and not deleting it's listing
from the index. If you stick with Vista, you'll have to get used
to that.
You can try finding that semi-deleted message in the trash
and undeleting it. It might be a waste of time, but there is a
small chance that the index will latch up again and list it
properly. Then you can delete it again and hopefully this time
it will do it properly.
Good Luck
DearWebby
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A woman and her five year old daughter were in a checkout
line at a grocery store, when the young one became upset
about something. She announced,
"As soon as we get home I'm going to run away."
Well, of course the best thing for the mother to do was to let
her child come to her own realization that it wouldn't work,
so she asked her, "Why wait until you get home. Why don't
you just run away from here?"
The child was ready with an answer, "Because I don't know
my way to grandma's house from here."
Deeli's Kudos
September 13, 2007 - China - Daily Mail
They're an odd couple in every sense but a monkey and a pigeon
have become inseparable at an animal sanctuary in China.
The 12-week-old macaque, who was abandoned by his mother,
was close to death when it was rescued on Neilingding Island,
in Goangdong Province. After being taken to an animal hospital
his health began to improve but he seemed spiritless until he
developed a friendship with a white pigeon.
The blossoming relationship helped to revive the macaque who
has developed a new lease of life, say staff at the sanctuary.
Now the unlikely duo are never far from each other's side, but
they aren't the only ones to strike up an unusual friendship.
Earlier this year a pig adopted a tiger cub and raised him along
with her piglets because his mother couldn't feed him.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/a ... ge_id=1811
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Hiring Movers
If you are hiring movers, be sure to ask them what their
insurance covers before packing anything yourself. Quite
often, they will only cover boxes that they have packed.
Unless you want to use the move as an opportunity to sort
what to keep and what to toss, let the movers do the packing.
They don't get emotional over items you thought you had lost,
and they know how to pack stuff quickly and efficiently and
safely.
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Once there was a man who prided himself on having all of the
latest gadgets for his car. One day a young man pulled up
alongside his car in an old, beat up VW and waved a sheet of
fax paper, yelling, "Look what I've got!"
Not to be outdone, the man had a fax installed in his car that
very afternoon. The next time he saw the VW, it was parked
and the windows seemed to be steamed up. The man rapped on
a window and when the young man appeared, waved a sheet of
fax paper at him and said, "I've got one too."
The young man gave him a disdainful look and said,
"You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement
came over the campus intercom:
Judy came home from her first day commuting into the
city. Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and
asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward
on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting
across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
.
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Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: USB hard drives Tuesday, September 25, 2007, 08:49 AM
Good Morning, !
Tuesday, Sept 25, 2007
There is absolutely no inevitability as long as there is a
willingness to contemplate what is happening.
--- Marshall McLuhan
The human mind treats a new idea the same way the
body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.
--- P. B. Medawar
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior
co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground
tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?"
I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter of factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack
of oxygen down there or some safety device that would
extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion
would blow out the match."
Thanks to Vickey for this story:
A member of the Country Club asked the
lifeguard how he might go about teaching a
young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique."
replied the guard.
"First you must take her into the water,
then place one arm about her waist, hold
her tightly, then take her right arm and
raise it very slowly....."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the
member. "I know that my sister will
appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard.
"In that case, just push her into the deep
end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Thanks to Martin for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jai
Re: USB Hard drive on eBay
Dear Webby
This is a url to ebay, where I went just looking at usb
harddrives. Is this what you mean by one? Others
are over $100., this is $19.98& S&H. I have gazzillions of
photos on my pc and do not want to cram my new lappie
with them, so your info about a usb harddrive was right on
time for me.
EXTERNAL 60GB POCKET SIZE PORTABLE USB 2.0 HARD DRIVE
Jai
Dear Jai
Yes, that looks right. I have a few of those, and they all
work fine. Keep in mind that is not a "Buy Now" fixed price,
but just where the auction is at right now.
As it gets closer to cut-off, people will probably bid it up to
around $60 - $70.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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Thanks to Cookie for this:
Before Marriage - - -
She: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
He: Do you want me to leave
She: HELL NO! Don't even think about it.
He: Do you love me?
She: Of course! Over and over!
He: Have you ever cheated on me?
She: HELL NO! Why are you even asking?
He: Will you kiss me?
She: Every chance I get!
He: Will you hit me?
She: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
He: Can I trust you?
She: Yes.
He: Darling!
After marriage --- - - - simply read from bottom to top !!
Deeli's Kudos
September 20, 2007 - Nairobi, Kenya - Gimundo
In Kenya's capital, Nairobi, you can identify the city's
largest shantytown, Kibera, by its pungent stench.
Dirty diapers, rotten food, medical waste – Kibera's
residents are forced to wade through the thick mass
of debris and filth on a daily basis. Unfortunately, they
have no alternative: The area doesn't have the money
for a waste-disposal service.
However, it looks like a new United Nations-sponsored
project will do wonders for getting the trash out of Kibera –
and it'll help the locals put dinner on the table, too.
Confused? Don't worry – it's all perfectly hygienic. The
United Nations team has purchased a large incinerator,
which is capable of burning large quantities of the village's
trash heap at once. As the garbage burns, residents can
use the heat from the flames to boil water and to cook
meals – a rare opportunity in an area where many have
never eaten a hot meal before. As an added bonus, the
new program even provides jobs to hundreds of local
youths, who are paid to gather trash from the streets as
fuel for the incinerator.
Kibera may never be the greenest of neighborhoods,
but the new program is already making a notable difference
in an area long known for its awful pollution.
"What the stove has done is basically to make rubbish into
something you can use," the United Nations Environmental
Program chief Achim Steiner told AFP News.
The UN hopes to expand the program into other African slums
in the coming years. But for now, at least, the residents of
Kibera can rest assured that they won't be holding their noses
forever.
http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/5 ... ity_Cooker
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Child Sized Dressers and Closets
A smaller dresser makes it much easier for children to
deal with their clothing. Top drawers might need a stool
as do high bars in closets. Consider installing a short
closet rod that your child can reach easier. It's easy
to add an additional rod or just move the existing one lower.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting.
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm
animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He
managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing
anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed
so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.
"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like
hell!" said the boy.
"Oh, dang!" said the farmer. "You've shot my mother-in-law!"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement
came over the campus intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive
please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
"The twelve hundred students, who went to move 26 cars,
may now return to class."
.
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Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Hotmail Problems Monday, September 24, 2007, 10:22 AM
Good Morning, !
Monday, Sept 24, 2007
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty
in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
--- Jean Kerr
------------
Guess I am not well-adjusted.
Now you're customizing the jokes????~~~~~~~~~~~~
Approaching the counter at a local post office, ninimom
said to the stern-faced woman on the other side,
"Are you the Postmistress?"
"No!" she replied testily. "I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam
doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."
Pretty funny.
Love your humor.
ninimom
Dear Ninimom
I have occasionally done that for the last 12 years, whenever
I came across a joke that was not offensive to the person
named in it.
I have now changed your First name to start with a capital "N".
And when "Ms Bernadette Gugelhopf-McGee III" tells me to
change her FIRST name to Bernie, I'll gladly do that. The same
goes for all those who didn't put a FIRST name or nickname
down when they subscribed, and are greeted with "Friend",
instead of by their first or favorite nickname.
Just hit REPLY and tell me by what name I should greet you!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Women's Bumper Stickers
--------------------------------------------------------------------
1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.
4. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience with Princes,
Seeks Frog.
5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
6. Don't Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen.
7. If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen.
8 Dinner Is Ready When the Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
9. I'm out of Estrogen-and I Have a Gun.
10. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares?
11. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
12. And Your Point Is...?
13. Warning: I Have an Attitude and I Know How to Use It.
14. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did it Right the First Time.
15. Do Not Start with Me. You Will Not Win.
16. You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.
17. All Stressed out and No One to Choke.
18. I'm One of Those Bad Things That Happen to Good People.
19. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
20. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.
21. Don't Upset Me! I'm Running out of Places to Hide the Bodies.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Walter for sending this picture:
From the photograher, Dean Shaddock:
This was captured as I collected my things from airport security
(Detroit Metro Concourse A). I think of it as something like a
Rorschach test. Is an elderly Catholic nun being frisked by a
Muslim security agent the celebration of blind justice?
Or is it simply an admission of absurdity?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cjd/1418632004/
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Brian
Re: Hotmail problems
Webby
I regularly send emails to my friends; one of which has
Hotmail. She never receives any of my mails, yet none
are returned by the mail administrator. She has emailed
me ok. but cannot receive my reply. I am using the latest
Thunderbird & Firefox. Any suggestions?
Brian
Dear Brian
Ho'mail is not predictable enough to make any good
recommendations.
Tell her to pretend to be over 18 and to get a gmail account.
Then she will get email reliably and predictably.
If you need a referral to gmail, let me know and I'll generate
one instantly.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of
Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
, waving a hand furiously, blurted out,
"I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a
loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked
to explain.
said, "Well . . . every morning, my father
gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells,
"Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
Deeli's Kudos
September 21, 2007 - Madrid, Spain - Reuters
Spanish fashion chain Zara has withdrawn a handbag from its
stores after a customer in Britain complained swastikas were
embroidered on it.
Zara, owned by the world's second largest fashion retailer
Inditex, said it did not know the 39 pound ($78) handbag
had green swastikas on its corners.
The bags were made by a supplier in India and inspired
by commonly used Hindu symbols, which include the swastika.
The original design approved by Zara did not have swastikas
on it, Inditex said.
"After the return of one bag we decided to withdraw the whole
range," said a spokesman for Inditex, which has more than
3,330 stores in 66 countries.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0709 ... astikas_dc
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Prepare Your Car For Winter
Make sure all your fluids have been checked. Have your
radiator, battery and brakes serviced if needed. Make sure
you have adequate antifreeze. There is no better time to
have your tires aligned and rotated.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
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If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and
approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked
up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now..."
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo,
studying the animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure
she beckoned to a nearby attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do the North American porcupines
have sharper pricks than those from Africa?"
The attendant thought a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their
pricks are about the same..."
.
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Sunday, September 23, 2007, 09:58 AM
Good Morning, !
Sunday, Sept 23, 2007
Always get married early in the morning.
That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
--- Mickey Rooney
I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
--- Rita Mae Brown
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for
I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at
myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear,
I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across
a lamp. He picked it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out.
The genie told him he would grant the man three wishes.
"First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."
POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his
checkbook balance.
"Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."
POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.
"Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to
women."
POOF! He turned into a VISA card.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to my dad for sending this picture from a hike he
was on today:
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jaye
Re: Why Firefox
Dear Webby
Why would anyone need to use Firefox Webby, and what program is it?
Jaye
Dear Jaye
Nobody NEEDS to use the Firefox browser.
It's just another browser, and people who have religious reasons
to look for alternatives to Microsoft products, are free to use it.
However, you will still need to use IE to get the automatic
security updates and patches for Windows.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
http://www.Ask4Ink.com
A young woman was driving the speed limit in freeway
traffic. Car after car passed her, so she speeded up.
Still car after car passed her. Suddenly, in the rear view
mirror, she saw the flashing lights of a police cruiser
behind her. She pulled over and rolled down her window. The
patrol officer walked up and asked her,
"Do you know why I stopped you?"
And the young woman replied,
"Yes. I was the only slow enough for you to catch!"
Deeli's Kudos
September 17, 2007 - London, UK - AP
British hospitals are banning neckties, long sleeves and
jewelry for doctors and their traditional white coats in an
effort to stop the spread of deadly hospital-borne infections,
according to new rules published Monday.
Hospital dress codes typically urge doctors to look
professional, which, for male practitioners, has usually
meant wearing a tie. But as concern over hospital-born
infections has intensified, doctors are taking a closer
look at their clothing.
''Ties are rarely laundered but worn daily,'' the Department
of Health said in a statement. ''They perform no beneficial
function in patient care and have been shown to be
colonized by pathogens.''
The new regulations would mean an end to doctors'
traditional long-sleeved white coats, Health Secretary
Alan Johnson said. Fake nails, jewelry and watches,
which the department warned could harbor germs, are also out.
Johnson said the ''bare below the elbows'' dress code would
help prevent the spread of Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus
aureus, or MRSA, the deadly bacteria resistant to nearly every
available antibiotic.
Popularly known as a ''superbug,'' MRSA accounts for more
than 40 percent of in-hospital blood infections in Britain.
Because the bacteria is so hard to kill, health care workers
have instead focused on containing its spread through
improvements to hospital hygiene.
http://www.happynews.com/news/9172007/n ... octors.htm
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing Seeds
Seeds that you didn't get around to planting this year should
be fine next year if stored properly. Most seeds can be stored
for 3 to 4 years. The key will be storing the seeds in a cool,
dry, and dark place. Keep the temperature between 40 and
50 degrees F.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"So, Mullany, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Mullany shook his head.
"Whenever I mention sex, they object."
An older friend, recently returned from her home town in
North Carolina, says they've spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years back.
"Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together
now."
"Together?" I asked, puzzled. "Well, years ago they never
much worried where they buried someone because everyone was
a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it
seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people
are with their children and grandchildren, instead of
scattered all over."
"You mean they exhumed all those people and re-buried
them?"
"Oh no," she said. "They just moved the headstones.
Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer...."
.
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Saturday, September 22, 2007, 09:38 AM
Good Morning, !
Saturday, Sept 22, 2007
The future, according to some scientists,
will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
--- John Sladek
What is youth except a man or a woman
before it is ready or fit to be seen?
--- Evelyn Waugh
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A very self-important liberal college freshman was attending
a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to
a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for
the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive
one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby
to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television,
jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy,
electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing, and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's
litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things
when we were young....... .so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are YOU doing for the
next generation?"
The applause was deafening.
-------------
Personally, I doubt that the wimps of today could repeat
the moon walk.
Bob man says to his wife Judy, "Guess what I heard at the
pub today? They were saying the milkman is having sex with
every woman in our apartment building except one, but they
are not sure who that one is."
And right a way Judy jumps up and says, "I know who that
is! I bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis, in apartment 612."
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: Un-Install IE6
Dear Webby
It's Ann again!!!! I just wanted to know if I could uninstall
the internet Explorer 6 and just use Firefox????
Love your Humor Letter, makes my day for sure
Ann
Dear Ann
You can use both of them! No need to un-install either one.
They work fine together, even side by side.
Most webmasters have both open side by side to check if
their work looks OK on both of them.
Theoretically, Windows should work without IE on the computer,
but in real life you will find that Windows and also other
programs now and then use building blocks from IE instead
of trying to duplicate stuff that is already written and polished.
There are also some tasks that Firefox isn't very good at yet,
for example many tasks related to printing web pages. At
those times it's handy, when you can just open IE6 and get the
job done. You don't have to close Firefox to do that.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Thnaks to Kevin for this story:
At the doctor's office, the Nurse was taking my
blood pressure. She caused me some concern
by rechecking it twice, then said, "Hmmmm.
That's odd -- it's normal."
I replied I had taken my high blood pressure
medicine less than an hour ago.
She said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was losing
it. Normally when I take the men's BP readings
they're always on the high side."
Deeli's Kudos
September 18, 2007 - Baltimore, Maryland - Gimundo
Eli Kahn, of Baltimore, Maryland, was diagnosed with leukemia
at the age of three. He whiled away years in bed with nothing
to do but watch soap operas, stare into the hospital parking
lot, or simply lie there and think – so mostly, he thought. And
when his leukemia finally went into remission, Eli had
already hatched a plan for how to spend his time now that
he was finally healthy again: He would raise money to
support the cure of childhood cancers like his.
His fundraising method? Recycling printer cartridges. For
the past three years, Eli has solicited donations of used
ink jet and laser printer cartridges from individuals,
businesses, schools, and nonprofit organizations through
a program he calls Cartridges for the Cure. That may seem
like small change, but it adds up fast: To date, Eli, now 15,
has earned more than $23,000 in donations to the pediatric
oncology department at Johns Hopkins. If you've got any
used cartridges yourself, don't toss them into the trash –
help Eli cure cancer instead. For more details about this
inspiring survivor's program, visit Catridges for a Cure.
http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/5 ... ually_Like
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making Wood Blocks
You can make great wood blocks using scrap wood. Start with
untreated lumber, cut the wood into various sizes, sand off any
rough edges, stain the wood and then seal them with polyurethane.
You can even let your kids paint pictures on the blocks before
you apply the polyurethane.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The Ontario coed was anxious to see her parents
over the holidays. Access to their remote cabin
near Caribou Lake was limited, so she was
trying to talk a local bush pilot into flying her home.
"But there's no place to land." he protested. She
told him of a clearing she had used last year. The
pilot agreed.
Upon approaching the clearing, it looked too short,
with a rise at the end. Going in on a wing and a
prayer the lil' plane skidded along, hit the rise, then
flipped over.
Once safely out of the plane, the girl smiled and said,
"Yep. They had to land the same way last year too."
A client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike
pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized
it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.
I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
.
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Dear Webby: Reliability of DVDs Friday, September 21, 2007, 09:09 AM
Good Morning, !
Friday, Sept 21, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support of the troops!
We did not change as we grew older;
we just became more clearly ourselves.
--- Lynn Hall
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a
convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the
priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest. "But they suffer from a disease
peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to
increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Thanks to barry for this story:
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Southern
Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and
animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer
hunting.
The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought
in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it,
'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my
brother?'
Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I
going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.
They are very much like the French.'
The interview ended at that point.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Durability of DVDs
Dear Webby
I think it's time to remind your readers again that DVDs
don't last forever. Some friends of mine lost irreplaceable
pictures of a family reunion, because they entrusted them
to a DVD. It was the last reunion for some of the people
there, and they can't go back to re-take the pictures.
It was heartbreak to find out that all those pictures are
gone.
Dianne
Dear Dianne
Yes, nobody ever claimed that DVDs or CDs would last forever.
If they are handled carefully and stored in a cool, dark place,
they last a long time, but if they are handled frequently or
shipped, their life span goes down accordingly.
The safest storage is a portable USB hard drive kept in a
safety deposit box far away from the computer.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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ACTUAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the
children until it is cleared."
2. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked
sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now
pregnant."
3. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has
backfired and burnt my nob off."
4. "This is to let you know that there is a smell
coming from the man next door."
5. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running
away from the wall."
6. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in
the kitchen."
7. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in
three pieces."
8. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in
my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men
with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife
happy."
Deeli's Kudos
September 18, 2007 - Madison Township, Ohio - Gimundo
A Tri-state man is now safe after using a pocket knife to
literally dig himself out of a disaster.
The 83-year-old Madison Township man says he was on his
tractor outside his Keister Road home when the tractor flipped
and he was trapped.
He's says it's amazing how much strength you get when you're
in a life-and-death situation.
The tractor flipped as John Cockerham was trying to move a
post on his property.
He ended up with his leg pinned and his entire body stuck
under the tractor. So, for two hours he struggled to free his leg.
Then, he says he pulled his pocket knife out and spent another
two hours digging at the dirt under him to create room so he
could squeeze out.
"I hollered, 'Lord, don't let me die here. I don't want to die under
this tractor. help me to get out!,' and by the grace of God,
he had given me the strength to get out," said Cockerham.
Cockerham has eight children, 21 grandchildren, 28 great
grandchildren – plus one great-great grandchild.
So, a lot of people are grateful.
Cockerham spent one night at the hospital and has a lot of
bruises, but he's doing fine now.
http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/5 ... _To_Escape
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Trash Cans for Sorting Clothing
To make laundry sorting easier and faster I have a blue 10
gallon trash can for blue jeans, a white one for whites,
and a green one for everything else. It wasn't hard training
my children to use them either (even the 17 year old!) By Angie
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an
animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all
the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass
cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"
he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled
doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
.
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Thursday, September 20, 2007, 08:57 AM
Good Morning, !
Thursday, Sept 20, 2007
Chance can allow you to accomplish a goal every once
in a while, but consistent achievement happens only
if you love what you are doing.
--- Bart Conner
Thanks to LLLiDO for this story:
Sally had three very active boys.
One summer evening she was playing cops
and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled,
"Bang! You're dead."
She slumped to the ground and when she didn't
get up right away, a neighbour ran over to see
if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over, the overworked
mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't
give me away. It's the only chance I've had to
rest all day."
Thanks to Darlene for bringing back this Classic:
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced
was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always
reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People'
words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must
remember to use "Big People' words."
She then asked little Zach what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you
read?"
Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest and with
as deep a voice he could muster and with great pride belted out:
"Winnie the SHIT
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Evi
Re: AOL
Dear Webby
Well- at least now I know this address is working right! I called AOL-
and of course I got a number that they said the "non AOL" member who
was sending had to call. They then referred me to another number for
AOL members, and they referred me to live chat..so will try that and
see if I can fix anything from my end! Am still reading your humor
letter on line daily...thank you for the link in the Hi card letter!
Evie Wohlers
Dear Evi
About a five hundred AOLers do receive the Humor Letter,
and about 200 or so, it seems, don't.
Since the many thousands, who have graduated from AOL,
get it without any hassle, it would seem the problem is on the
AOL side, and no matter what I change on my side, SOME
AOLers will still have problems..
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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From LLLiDO:
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word
or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing
in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech
nor a son of a birch.
It is, however,
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
---------------------------
Last time I featured this joke, two people bitterly complained
that it was not clean enough for church,
and about two hundred people forwarded it to their entire
Friends List, which apparently included my address too.
Deeli's Kudos
September 17, 2007 - Berwick, Pennsylvania - AP
You might say she was born to be wild — a century ago.
Evelyn Warburton rode to her 100th birthday party Saturday
in a motorcycle sidecar. She sported a black leather jacket,
a helmet and a pair of sunglasses for the 10-minute ride from
her home in Lightstreet to her granddaughter's house in
Berwick.
''It was fun today,'' said Warburton.
Her chauffeur on the green 2000 Herley-Davidson Ultra was
George Crawford, a friend who had been offering to take her
to church on his motorcycle for several years.
Warburton finally accepted Crawford's offer of a ride to her party.
She had actually turned 100 on Thursday.
Crawford said Warburton was nervous at first, but relaxed after
he assured her she wouldn't fly out of the sidecar. The duo hit a
top speed of 40 mph.
''She's willing to try new things,'' said Warburton's daughter, Nancy Hartzel.
http://www.happynews.com/news/9172007/w ... idecar.htm
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Drying Pillows
When drying pillows, toss a couple clean tennis balls in the
dryer. The tennis balls will help fluff up the pillows and allow
the stuffing to dry more evenly.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Lu for this story:
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room
of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full
name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the
same name had been in my high school class almost 50
years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such
thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined
face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had
examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1953."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you
teach?"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon,
I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how
many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I
will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Balloons
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Dear Webby: Verizon problems Wednesday, September 19, 2007, 08:11 AM
Good Morning, !
Wednesday, Sept 19, 2007
God doesn't look at how much we do, but with how
much love we do it.
--- Mother Teresa
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents
in spite of every effort to teach them good manners.
--- Socratex
Two fathers-to-be met in the maternity waiting room.
"Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation,
and she goes into labor!"
The second one looks at the first and says, "What do
you have to complain about? This is our honeymoon!"
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School,
each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do
you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
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These used to be the pastel yellow fowers in my lawn that I
mowed around, because they were quite cute and lasting.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jerome
Re: Verizon blocking subscriptions
Dear Webby
Unfortunately Verizon is blocking you too.
Just thought you might like to know as they are really dimwits.
Jerome
Dear Jerome
yes, Verizon has been trying to make AOL look good for some
time, and a lot of Verizon victims use gmail to get reliable mail.
How do you get around them?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but
we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."
That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.
"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have
to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Deeli's Kudos
September 15, 2007 - Dallas, Texas - AP
An emergency room might be the last place you'd think would
have do-it-yourself check-in. But Parkland Memorial Hospital
has three self-service computer kiosks, similar to those used
by airport passengers and hotel guests. And so do a handful
of other hospital ERs, where the long wait in line to register
and explain symptoms can be grueling.
True emergency cases _ gunshot or car crash victims with
serious injuries _ are still rushed in for treatment. But
patients like Rickey Washington, a diabetic concerned about
numbness in his hands and feet, find it fairly simple to
sign in by computer.
''Once you look and see, it's kind of easy,'' said Washington, 44.
Besides offering patients more privacy, the kiosks should help
nurses identify the most urgent cases.
Parkland's administrators say patients have been spared the
long check-in lines since the kiosks arrived. The hospital's
ER handles about 300 cases a day.
''It's helping us find the people that we need to see right now,''
said Jennifer Hay, unit manager for the ER department.
Patients spend about eight minutes at the kiosks, using
touchscreens to enter their name, age, and other personal
information. The computer shows the patient a list of ailments
to choose from, like ''pain'' or ''fever and/or chills'' and a list
of body parts to indicate where it hurts.
Previously, a nurse checked in patients and took their vital
signs as lines at the ER got longer and frustration mounted.
''If it's getting people to be able to sit down and not be
standing in a long line, then it's good,'' said Dr. Brian
Keaton, president of the American College of Emergency
Physicians.
http://www.happynews.com/news/9152007/e ... -lines.htm
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use a Tea Light in Pillar Candles
If you like to decorate with large pillar candles, but don't
like it when they get short, just let them burn down to the
height you like, pour out the extra wax to form a hollow
inside of the candle. Slip in a tea light and and your pillar
candles will last a long time.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
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If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One of my first duties as an Air Force officer was to set
up a field medical-training program at our hospital. I
conducted a class in triage -- sorting out battlefield
casualties according to the likelihood of survival. We had
applied theatrical makeup to several airmen to simulate
different wounds. Pointing to one of the "casualties," I said
to the group, "This man has severe brain damage. What
would you do with him?"
Came this reply from the back of the class: "Make him an
officer!"
Charges of statutory sexual seduction face an El Cajon, CA science
teacher who trysted in a Vegas motel with one of her 15 year old
students. (LA Times)
Whose parents will administer disciplinary action as soon as they can
wipe the smile off his face.
.
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Tuesday, September 18, 2007, 08:46 AM
Good Morning, !
Tuesday, Sept 18, 2007
True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway.
--- Edna Buchanan
A man went to the police station wishing
to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said
the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to
know how he got into the house without
waking my wife. I've been trying to
do that for years!"
My feisty 70-year-old neighbor Frances had to call a furnace
repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil
into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor
charges!" Frances exclaimed. "It only took you five
minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum
one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my
remaining 55 minutes of labor," my neighbor responded and
she handed him a rake. He spent the next 55 minutes in her
back yard bagging leaves.
Then he charged her an hour extra for traveling time.
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Deeli for this picture from her balcony in Richland, WA.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ginger
Re: AOL problems
...@aol.com wrote:
it says I'm already subscribed but haven't been getting the
letter please check into it for me
Dear Ginger
That's just a routine AOL screw-up.
Once your subscription has entered the AOL server, there is
nothing more that I can do about it.
Once you graduate from AOL, you will never have that
problem again.
In the meantime, you can contact AOL "support", and ask
them to stop stealing your subscription.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed
that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a
transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking
out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied.
"Makes people talk louder."
Deeli's Kudos
September 10, 2007 - Glenview, Illinois - Chicago, Tribune
Tom Foust saw the train lights in the distance and knew it
was time to stop arguing with the elderly driver, whose
white Lexus was stuck on railroad tracks. As his two friends
pounded on the car windows, yelling for her to leave the
car, Foust, 17, unclipped the seat belt and carried her to
safety with seconds to spare. He shielded her body from
flying debris as the Lexus was "eviscerated".
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/content/view/2545/29/
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Don't Bag It, Use It
Use the grass clippings to help feed your lawn. The
clippings will work as slow release fertilizer for your
lawn and help encourage growth. If the grass clippings
are in clumps, use a rake to spread them out. Clumps
of grass will create a thatch problem which will
smother the lawn.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
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When I took my baby daughter to the supermarket for the
first time, I dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the
store, I placed her in the shopping cart, put my purchases
around her, and headed for the checkout line.
A small boy and his mother were ahead of me. The child
was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants
some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have
any, I thought.
Then I heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, and,
looking in my direction. "You may not have a baby
sister today. That lady got the last one!"
A man rushed into a jewelry store, told the clerk he needed a pair of
diamond earrings for his wedding anniversary, and quickly made his
selection. When asked if he wanted them wrapped, he replied, "That would be
great, but hurry. My wife thinks I'm taking out the garbage!"
.
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have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Monday, September 17, 2007, 09:05 AM
Good Morning, !
Monday, Sept 17, 2007
I think it would be a good idea.
--- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of
Western civilization
Thanks to Amy for this report:
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City ,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and
the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the
flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,
or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back
down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias
charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Thanks to Dave for this story:
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days,
and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store,
and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves
o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans...
all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore.....
they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Re the forest fire smoke in yesterday's picture, the fire
is in British Columbia, on the other side of the Rockies.
Subscriber Ann is at the fire by Big Bear Lake, California.
If you are near one of the fires, send me the coordinates,
and I'll mark you into the map too.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ron
Re: Eudora not sold any more
Dear Webby,
I went to the Eudora page and saw that they had quit selling a version. I
noticed the latest version was 7.1 a sponsored version. Do you still
reccommend this? There is a button that say to stay in sponsored mode you
must update, would that be for people with older versions who wish to stay
with the program. What is open source Eudora? Thanks Webby, you are still
the number one ezine.
Ron
Dear Ron
Yes, it is Open Source (free) now.
You can still get the old versions, if you want.
The ad sponsored version has a little square ad in the left bottom corner.
No big deal. I think they stopped delivering ads anyway.
Older versions are at http://eudora.com/techsupport/kb/2350hq.html/
The Beta of the Open Source Eudora 8 is at
http://wiki.mozilla.org/Penelope_Releases
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A woman went to a computer dating service and said
she didn't care about looks, income or background.
All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing
he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because
they had one thing in common -- they were both
pathological liars.
Deeli's Kudos
September 15, 2007 - Ft. Lauderdale, Florida - Sun Sentinel
A Florida man has been besieged with job offers - after he
was sacked for saving a woman from an armed robber.
Juan Canales, 42, lost his job as a waiter with a Thai
restaurant in Fort Lauderdale after his boss got sick
of the media attention.
But he quickly received new job offers once the twist
to the story was reported in the local press, reports
the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.
"I just felt bad for him because here is a guy who does
the right thing and he gets fired for it," said Peggy
Talerico, of All Atlas Roofing.
Robert Garofalo, owner of an electrical repair business,
said he, too, wanted to help: "Come on, the guy fired
him for being a hero. Ridiculous."
Canales was fired after subduing a knife-wielding robber
who tried to steal a Honda car from a woman customer.
He disarmed the man then, with the help of three other
men, managed to hold the robber down until police arrived.
Mr. Canales then spent an hour talking to police and the
media. He returned to work but when the lunch shift
ended, his boss fired him.
"The owner got belligerent" about all the attention his
scuffle with the carjacker generated, he said.
Although he was "devastated," Mr. Canales said,
"I would do it again because it was the right thing to do."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2506516.html?menu=
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Prescription Drug Savings
When a doctor prescribes you a new medication, be sure to
ask if there is a generic version of that drug. Don't assume
that your doctor will inform you about generic drug
alternatives. The difference in price and your insurance
co-pay can be dramatic.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
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Highly recommended !
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We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...
until she closed her curtains.
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted
a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,
"Momma, look at the bowlegged man!"
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had
to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he
finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again
he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last
time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of
men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?"
.
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Dear Webby
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Sunday, September 16, 2007, 10:36 AM
Good Morning, !
Sunday, Sept 16, 2007
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
--- Dave Barry
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended
a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking
the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love
you so much we decided to bring another child into this
family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband
came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I
decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power
is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life,
to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections
and your confidence after.
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Smoke coming over the Rockies from some fire in BC
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jay
Re: Zoomable fonts
Dear Webby!
I know you have used zoomable fonts for ages, but my webmaster
insists that is not necessary if a computer is set up right.
Well, my computer is set up the way I like it, and I can
hardly read the pages on my company site. How do you
make your fonts so that they can be zoomed? What do you
suggest.
Jay
Dear Jay
Some people claim to be webmasters, others ARE, and don't
care what title you use for them. Using a word Processor
and saving a WORD document as a web page is not the same
as creating it with HTML. The same goes for kids using
FrontPage. Basic stuff looks OK with it, but it's not quite
up to standard and will bite you sooner or later.
I would recommend that you get somebody who will do your
site the way YOU want it, instead of implying that your
computer is not set up right. That page you sent me to is
useless. When I see something that is too small to read
comfortably, and that can't be zoomed to a decent size,
I'm out of there and on my way to a competitor. I have a
hunch most people browse that way.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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During taxi, the crew of a US Airways departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
lady who had the ground controller's spot at that moment screamed,
"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie'
taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's
difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew,
"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You
stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to
go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded,
"Yes, Ma'am."
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to
engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in
every cockpit at La Guardia was running high.
Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Deeli's Kudos
September 15, 2007 - Wrexham, North Wales, UK - Ananova
A Welsh farmer who placed a lonely hearts advert on a milk
carton hopes to marry a US woman who answered his plea.
Geraint Evans, 28, hadn't had a girlfriend for almost five
years because his long days at work often ended at 11pm,
reports the North Wales Daily Post.
The dairy herdsman was one of a number of North Wales farmers
who persuaded a dairy company to put their photographs on
cartons with an email address.
Interior design student Laura Allison, 21, from Chicago, was
holidaying in the UK when she saw Geraint's face on a pint
of milk she bought near his Wrexham home.
She said: "I'd dropped by a supermarket to pick up some
provisions and when I got to the milk racks, all I could see
was this handsome guy's face staring out at me. I think I
fell in love a little right there and then."
But she decided to wait until she returned home before
getting in touch.
Since then the couple have exchanged hundreds of email
messages, phone calls and letters and have visited each
other.
Geraint said: "I've met the girl of my dreams and I want us
to marry as soon as she's finished her course in America.
"We get on so well. This is the real thing and the sooner
we can get wed the better, as far as I'm concerned. I'd
marry Laura tomorrow.
"We share the same sense of humour and we're both
adventurous. We must be or we'd never have met."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2506815.html?menu=
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Cleaning with Borax
Add one tablespoon of Borax to 1 quart of water and use it
as a safe all-purpose cleaner. Dissolve a 1/2 cup of borax
in a sink full of water to clean delicate dishes like fine China.
Sweeten musty basement floors by sprinkling around on the
concrete, let it sit for a while, then sweep up.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
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Official sign near door:
Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby:
Window frightened.
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Vince."
"Who?"
"Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Vince every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He
could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Vince."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
.
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have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Alternatives to Outlook Saturday, September 15, 2007, 07:46 AM
Good Morning, !
Saturday, Sept 15, 2007
Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
--- Margaret Lee Runbeck
Thanks to Rubye for this story:
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon
a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped
and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under
your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey
done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season
is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do
to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you
break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him,
I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and
let him go!!
Leroy's wife went to the bank and applied for a loan.
"I want a loan, I'm going to divorce Leroy."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says
"We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses,
home improvements...."
Leroy's wife interrupts and says "Well, this is certainly a
'Home Improvement.'
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sig
Re: Alternative to Outlook
Dear Webby!
In several humour letter issues you mentioned "Outlook".
E.g.: "Dear Bonnie
I live a very sheltered life. Heroin, Outlook, Outlook Express,
Crack and other stuff like that, is not allowed onto the premises."
I too have many "fail to respond" problems. What alternative
to Outlook do you recomment?
Sig
Every day I'm looking forward to every issue of you humour letter
Dear Sig
The best mail program is still Eudora, from http://eudora.com
That's what Commerce, Industry and military uses.
Eudora is rock solid, and when you have to answer and file 250
or more mails per day, you really appreciate the hot-keys that let
you run Eudora without taking your hands off the keyboard for
tedious mousing around.
However, Eudora definitely is for a high production environment,
where cutesy stuff has low priority. It is there, somewhere, if you
need it, but it's strength is speed and reliability.
Second best is Thunderbird
http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/thunderbird/
Thunderbird is less Industrial, but not as silly and mushy as
Incredimail. It is not as feature rich as Eudora, but there are
hundreds of small add-ins that you can download to get individual
features, like for example the Hot-keys. Thunderbird works OK
right off the basic installation, and unless you have been spoiled
by Eudora or Pegasus, you won't need any of the third party add-ons.
The add-ons are free, but need to be downloaded and installed
separately.
Pegasus is a hard core road warrior tool. It is very compact and
when I was a mobile troubleshooter, I used to carry it on a floppy.
Like Eudora, it is rock solid, but Pegasus is very basic. Absolutely
no cutesy frills. It is definitely a STRICTLY WORK email program.
You can get it at http://pmail.com/
To give you an idea of how basic Pegasus is, have a look at their
FAQ page: http://pmail.com/faqs/faqs_wq.htm
They definitely don't waste your time with unimportant stuff!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Four men went golfing one day.
Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse
to take care of the bill. The three men
started talking and bragging about
their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son
is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new
home for free.
"The second man said, "My son was a car
salesman, and now he owns a multi-line
dealership. He's so successful that he gave a
friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.
"The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's
doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after
a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking
about our sons. How is yours doing?
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay
and a dancer in a gay bar." The other three
men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not
totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he
must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes,
and a stock portfolio..."
Deeli's Kudos
Garbage in, diamond rings out at rest stop
ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- A New York trooper was a real trouper
recently, combing through bags of garbage to locate two
temporarily misplaced rings.
Trooper Leston Sheeley said a frantic Montreal man called
and told him his wife's engagement ring and wedding band
were in a yellow bag mistakenly tossed in the garbage at
the Schroon Lake rest area, The (Plattsburgh, N.Y.)
Press Republican reported Tuesday. His wife put them in
the bag while washing her hands for dinner.
Sheeley, figuring the trash hadn't been picked up, said he
and Trooper Gregory Brack booked it the rest stop and began
picking through the overflowing garbage bin. Because they
were looking for a yellow food bag, "we found the rings pretty
quickly," he said.
The couple was still awake when Sheeley called them back
with the good news.
"He was ecstatic," Sheeley said. "And at that point, I was excited
to call him back and tell him."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
September Clothing Bargains
September is a great month to find summer clothing on clearance.
Keep an eye out for short sleeve shirts, shorts, swim-wear and
sandals. You can get next year's summer clothing at clearance
prices.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
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A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept
complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly
reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse,
fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative
shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really
does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation
we ran out of anesthetic."
Two rural church deacons were having a sociable beer in the local
tavern, when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long
look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see
us or recognize my truck."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make.
God knows we're in here . . . and he's the only one who counts."
The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
.
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have FUN !
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Dear Webby: Weird circles in Outlook Friday, September 14, 2007, 07:49 AM
Good Morning, !
Thursday, Sept 14, 2007
Wear something red today, to show your support for the troops!
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade
of prejudices.
--- Laurence J. Peter
There are two ways to slide easily through life:
to believe everything or to doubt everything.
Both ways save us from thinking.
--- Alfred Korzybski
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How
old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How
do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got
married that whenever she got mad she would go into
the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to
settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
A marketing survey specialist is asking Dan, a southern college kid,
some questions about different products he uses.
MSS - Which shaving cream do you use?
Dan - Baba's
MSS - Which aftershave do you use?
Dan - Baba's
MSS - Which deodorant do you use?
Dan - Baba's
MSS - Which toothpaste do you use?
Dan - Baba's
MSS - Okay, tell me, what is this 'Baba'?
Is it an international company?
Dan - Heck no. He's my room-mate.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bonnie in NH
Re: Circles in Outlook and WORD
Dear Webby
hope you can help with my current problem. Just recently as
in the excerpt below from a “sent” email, and in replies back
to me, these little circles started to appear. They annoy me
like crazy and are also turning up in my Word documents even
if they’re not in email text, i.e., if someone sends me a quote
or story I want to save in Word, voila! there they are in a new
document I copy & paste into. Any ideas on how I can stop
them? No clue why they began.
Thank you bunches as always, even if you don’t have a solution.
Bonnie in NH
Dear Bonnie
I live a very sheltered life. Heroin, Outlook, Outlook Express,
Crack and other stuff like that, is not allowed onto the premises.
I really don't have a clue about what those things do to you,
or how to cope with them.
By the way, the excerpt you had there, did not produce any
dopey circles in Eudora.
Try writing to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com.
Even though she doesn't use that stuff, she keeps up-to-date on
it so that she can answer questions on her blog.
Put her into your friends list, so that you don't accidentally slap
her reply back into her face. That really annoys her.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
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Early one morning, my husband, who works in a
funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe
abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room,
where tests were performed to determine the
source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick
for him until we knew what was wrong. When the
results came back, the nurse informed us that,
true to our suspicions, he was suffering from
a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you
like me to call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me
and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"
Deeli's Kudos
Gators gaze at passers-by from pond
HAMPTON ROADS, Va. (UPI) -- Two alligators found in a pond
inside a Virginia community probably aren't dangerous to
humans, but officials are setting up traps -- just in case.
Police and animal control personnel in Hampton Roads say
they aren't quite sure how the 3-foot reptiles got into the
pond, The Virginian-Pilot in Hampton Roads reported.
"It's hard to say," said police spokeswoman Rene Ball said,
adding that residents in the area should be careful.
------------
Personally, I would be a lot more concerned with lightning
fast three footers than slow and lazy 20 footers.
I got within a few feet of this one and it made no hostile move.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Quick Homemade Waffles
I have an eight year old and we're always rushed in the
mornings, so I make up a batch of waffles ahead of time
and freeze them in individual serving sizes. Then you take
them out of the freezer and put them in the toaster and
they come out awesome!
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to
give a few of your loudest screams?"
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are too many people in the waiting room right
now, and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an
apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
.
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have FUN !
Dear Webby
If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your
favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and
greet you properly from then on.
If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend,
but don't have time to subscribe her or him,
just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you.
To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com
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then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift
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Thursday, September 13, 2007, 08:28 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Thursday, Sept 13, 2007
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall
some day die, which is not so.
--- Stephen Leacock
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade
of prejudices.
--- Laurence J. Peter
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of
the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his
wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the
grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom
decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice
President of prunes?"
The clerk replied, "Dried or canned?"
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a
long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder
on his corn flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35
great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of
the crematorium.
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Why men die before women
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sarah
Re: Refilling ink cartridges
Dear Webby
I thought I was getting a good deal when I bought a cheap
printer for $39, but now I am stuck with having to buy $59
cartridges or lose the warranty. Can they tell if I refill the
cartridges, and how difficult is it to refill them?
Thanks
Sarah
Dear Sarah
Get real! Who cares about the warranty on a disposable
$39 printer? It will die a few days after the warranty is up
anyway, and nobody will even diagnose the problems for
less than $50. If it dies during the warranty period, they
will replace it, but usually nobody will even look at an old
$39 printer.
Refilling is easy if you have a proper refill kit like the ones
sold by Atlantic inkjet .com.
Any kid can do it. The kit comes with everything you need
and easy to follow, illustrated instructions. We have used
kits from Atlantic inkjet .com
and their bulk bottles of ink for at least seven years and
never had a problem.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
A college senior took his new girlfriend to the Super Bowl. The
young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were
watching the action.
A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the
field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a
good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest
way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of
how you said it, I accept....!"
Deeli's Kudos
Mugger picks on blind judo champ
A German mugger who picked on a blind man had a shock when
his 'victim' turned out to be a world judo champ.
Michael Esser, 33, a world champion last year in martial
arts for the visually impaired, ended up pummelling his
17-year-old attacker into submission.
Mr Esser had just bought a packet of cigarettes outside the
railway station in Marburg when the skinheaded, jobless
attacker demanded them.
"Give me those, Stevie," he said in what police said was a
reference to blind singer Stevie Wonder.
He lunged for the cigarettes and hit the man in the face.
The blind man then seized his arm, shoved it behind his
back and kneed him in the back of his legs.
Then he twisted him around and flung him face-first on to
the pavement, pinning him to the ground with his body.
"The blind Judoka used some expert moves to wrestle
the robber to the ground and pinned him down while he
shouted for help," Marburg police said in a statement.
The champion had to be treated for a bloody nose following
the incident but he said: "I may be blind but I am fit. I hope
he thinks twice before he picks on blind people again."
"I didn't bother to go to the hospital because I was off to
meet some mates to listen to a football match. At least I
still had my smokes to enjoy!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Trace Your Child's Feet
So that I don't miss out on kids' shoe sales when I am out
shopping without my daughter, I periodically trace her feet
on a piece of paper, cut it out and tuck it in my purse. Then
if I see shoes on sale I just measure up the soles.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe
and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off
the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness,
"Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"
"Your clothes?" answered the doctor.
"Put them over here, on top of mine!"
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing
lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both
of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney
Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Leon.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide
this case solely on its merits!"
.
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Media Player to DVD Wednesday, September 12, 2007, 06:38 AM
Good Morning, !
Wednesday, Sept 12, 2007
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and
shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in,
their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
--- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
A hillbilly dragged his protesting son to a new school which
had just opened in a nearby village . When they arrived, he
took his son to see the teacher. "Howdy," said the
hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of
learnin' are you teachin'?"
"Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at
the boy. "Reading, writing, arithmetic."
"What's this ?" interrupted the father. "Arith....arith...
what did you say?"
"'Arithmetic, Sir," said the teacher, "instruction in
geometry, algebra and trigonometry."
"Trigonometry!" cried the delighted hillbilly. "That's what my boy needs.
He's the worst darn shot in the family."
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the
evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my
hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex.
And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when
I come home, I usually have a drink.
If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.
If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex.
But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: Burn movies from mediaPlayer to DVD
Dear Webby
Can I use Windows Media Player to burn DVDs?
Ann
Dear Ann
Unfortunately, no. At this time, according to Microsoft,
Windows Media Player can only be used to burn CDs and
copy files to portable devices. If you have a DVD burner,
and you want to burn DVDs, you must use the software that
came with the DVD burner.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite
restaurant and ordered lunch.
A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip.
When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his
"generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner
by the way he tipped.
"Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked.
"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and
that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me
you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a
bachelor."
"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell
you?"
"The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."
Deeli's Kudos
Vegan teacher suspended
A vegan middle school teacher says he's not going back to
class until the school stops serving milk and meat.
He doesn't really have any choice about that, since he has
been told to leave the school.
Dave Warwak has been a teacher at Fox River Grove Middle
School for eight years. The 44-year-old became a vegan in
January and believes the school is "feeding poison" to students.
He also believes the school's posters featuring milk are wrong.
Warwak says he won't return until the posters are removed. He's
looked into filing child-endangerment charges because he claims
it's wrong to promote animal products as part of healthy diet.
Warwak says he was asked to leave the school last week
because he talked about animal-cruelty issues like milking
innocent cows.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Buying Books
Discount bookstores and used books stores usually sell
books for half off cover price and online retailers can be
even cheaper. The cheapest place to find books, by far,
is garage sales and rummage sales. Books are usually
only .25 to .50.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A truck driver brought before the judge for an assault
charge. The Judge asked the man why he beat the victim
up so bad and the truck driver answered:
"Well sir Judge that man called me a stupid
son-of-a-bitch."
The judge replied, "Well you didn't need to beat him up
that bad".
The truck driver answered "I know that Judge, but what
would you do if he called you a stupid son-of-a bitch".
The Judge answered: "But I'm not a stupid son-of-a-bitch"
The truck driver answered: "I know that judge, but what
would you do if he called you
the kind of a son-of-a-bitch, you are".
CONGRESS EMBRACES INTERNET TECHNOLOGY IN
CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM
Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new
section on their online auction site to accommodate the US
Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.
Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised
his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for
Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that
will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into
politicians' pockets."
In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto
Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a
member of the House.
Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator still need to log on
to Ebay, but need to be aware that Senators don't stay bought.
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Two versions of PSP on one computer Tuesday, September 11, 2007, 07:23 AM
Good Morning, !
Tuesday, Sept 11, 2007
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
--- Benjamin Disraeli
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven."
Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were
growing up, her one son gave her more "Don't kill! Stop and
count to 10" moments than all the others together..
Once, after he fell, or jumped, into the pond and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his
clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard.
She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ginny
Re: Paint Shop Pro
Dear Webby
On my new computer I got Paint Shop Pro version 11 included.
It works OK, but I found it to be very klutzy compared to
version 7A on my old computer. What little quality improvements
there might theoretically be in the new version, though I have
not noticed any, are more than wiped out by the weird way of
doing stuff. To me, it seems, all they did was make the user
interface klutzy and slow everything down. My new computer
is four times faster than my old one, but PSP 11 is four times
slower on the new computer than version 7 is on the old one!
Can I run both versions on the new computer?
Ginny
Dear Ginny
Yes, Version 7 was still made by JASC, from before they got
taken over by Corel. It runs just fine on a machine that has
Corel PSP on it. They don't interfere and they don't interact.
Just install it and make it the default program for jpg and gif
and any graphics you work on.
By the way, I feel the same way about version 11 and don't
use it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office.
"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be
a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you
that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Deeli's Kudos
Man gave dog kiss-of-life
A prison officer saved his dying sniffer dog by giving him
the kiss of life.
Handler Steve Tugwell, 42, leapt into action when he saw
Welsh springer spaniel Frodo lying unconscious, reports
The Sun.
Frodo had been play-fighting with fellow sniffer dog Patch
when Patch's jaws got entangled in Frodo's collar and
choked him.
Frodo appeared lifeless when Steve hacked off the collar
with a knife. Steve, who works at Long Lartin prison in
Worcester, said: "He looked a goner. I pulled the tongue to
one side, made a cone with my hands, and used the little
finger of one of them to place across Frodo's nostrils.
"I blew three times down the cone and to my amazement I
saw Frodo's rib cage started to move."
"It wasn't pleasant - Frodo's mouth was horribly smelly -
but it saved his life and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again."
The two-year-old was rushed to a vet, made a full recovery
and was back on duty two weeks later.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Wallpaper
An easy way to strip wallpaper is to score it first, and
then using a spritzer bottle filled with fabric softener,
spray the wall. After removing as much vinyl or paper
as possible, re-spray and the layer of glue/adhesive will
strip right off.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard,
"Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans.
The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch."
"In that case," the man said, "I'd like to talk to Tonto!"
A man phones a mental hospital and asks
the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to
the phone, telling him No, the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must
have really escaped."
.
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby:Outlook Express Stationery Monday, September 10, 2007, 07:42 AM
Good Morning, !
Monday, Sept 10, 2007
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a
weird religious cult.
--- Rita Rudner
"ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on
games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and
elections."
--- Argus Hamilton
An old guy went to his doctor and said,
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,
I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor.
"Senility is when you forget to zip down...."
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on
a hot day and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want
to go in and get a drink but have no money. But the priest comes
up with an idea that he thinks might work, so he goes in alone,
telling to others that if his idea works they can all get free
drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's finished with it, the
bartender gives him his tab.
The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!"
The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really
busy in here and I must have forgotten."
The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened,
so the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then
informs the bartender that he already had paid when the bartender
asks him for the money. Again the bartender apologizes.
Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender
gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I
ordered the drink."
"I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's
wrong with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this
to."
"I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,...
Just give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way...!"
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Cyndi
Re: Outlook Depressed stationery
Dear Webby,
I have Outlook Express 6 and Windows XP. When I download
and try to use EML stationeries, and click to use one, the to: and
subject lines do not appear to use the stationery. I know it is not
an Microsoft Update, because I really watch the ones that I update.
Could it be in my Outlook Express settings somewhere. This
happened once before and I knew how to fix it, seemed like it was
very simple. I hope you can help me.
Cyndi
Dear Cyndi
As I have mentioned many times before,
I do not allow Outlook Depressed within 10 feet of any Webby computer,
and I don't know how to fix Outlook Depressed problems.
For help with Outlook Depressed problems you have to write to the
Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com.
If you are blocking her reply, check her blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog
Your question and her reply will show up there too.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great,"
said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked,
"How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost
in the flood."
Deeli's Kudos
Foiled burglar loses clothes in tussle
The Associated Press | Sunday, Sep 9 2007 2:01 PM
Last Updated: Sunday, Sep 9 2007 2:06 PM
A man who allegedly tried to burglarize a home lost his
clothes in a scuffle with the 69-year-old homeowner and
then tried to streak away before he was arrested.
Wayne and Kathie Boniface returned home from dinner
Thursday night at a neighbor's to find the man in their house.
Wayne Boniface said the man made the mistake of grabbing
his wife.
"As soon as he grabbed my wife, I had him in the kitchen
wrestling him to the ground in a headlock and arm-lock,"
Boniface said.
First, Boniface said, he ripped the man's shirt off. Then,
"his head was down over the railing, and in today's world,
pants are worn fairly loose. I pulled his pants, and his pants
and underpants and shoes came completely off. He was
completely nude."
When police asked Boniface if he could identify the suspect,
he said: "Oh, yeah. I believe he's the only guy running nude
in Duluth."
The 20-year-old man was apprehended about 20 minutes later.
He has been charged with two counts of first-degree burglary.
The man's name was not released.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Socks Together
Attach pairs of socks with a safety pin before putting them
in the washer. Even better, pin them together when you take
them off and toss them in the dirty clothes hamper. The best
safety pins are diaper safety pins which are less likely to
damage other clothing.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A Statistician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in
a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the
house on the other side of the street. First they see two
people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they
notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The
Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Statistician says: "Now if another person enters the house,
it'll be empty
again."
A mother may hope that her daughter will get
a better husband than she did, but she knows her
son will never get as good a wife as his father did.
.
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Dear Webby: Convert French XP to English Sunday, September 9, 2007, 07:08 AM
Good Morning, !
Sunday, Sept 9, 2007
There are two types of people--
those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!'
and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'
--- Frederick L Collins
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--- Benjamin Franklin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--- Milton Berle
A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front
door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics
arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he
knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked
me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out,
he came out with the lawn mower."
During a Law school lecture, the 'Audi alteramparten' rule
was explained. Translated it means, "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer
asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
A man in the back of the class said, "Yes, my wife."
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: XP French to English
Dear Webby
How does one change Windows XP from a French set-up to an
English one?
Dianne
Dear Dianne
If you have a legitimate XP set-up CD, you can contact Microsoft
and ask to trade it for an English one. Sometimes you can change
the keyboard and browser skin from English to French, but if you
have the European French version, then apparently you are stuck.
If you are in a hurry, visit some garage sales. There are bound to be
aome old klunkers for sale in your neighborhood, that have legitimate
XP set-up CDs, just burned out hard drives or motherboards, or too
slow speed. Use the CD, and turn the klunker into a planter or
barbecue. For slightly more money you can buy an English XP at any
on-line computer store.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted
his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had
bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the
store looking at the dress. Then I found myself
trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering
to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You
should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal
with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It
looks great from back here, too"
Deeli's Kudos
Flashy B&B set to open
A lighthouse is set to be turned into a bed and breakfast.
Belle Tout lighthouse at Beachy Head, East Sussex, has already
been made into a six-bedroom home after it was sold by the
council for just £900 six years ago, reports the Daily Mirror.
Now the Belle Tout Lighthouse Preservation Fund wants to raise
£850,000 to buy the 175-year-old landmark from owner Louise
Roberts after getting planning permission for a B&B.
The lighthouse was moved 60ft inland in 1999 to stop it falling
into the sea due to coastal erosion.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
How Many Meals
When buying meat, calculate how many meals you think you
can get out of the package and divide that by how much it
costs. Try to get as many meals out of each meat purchase
as possible.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage
she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked -
"I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your
husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose
intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with
his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had
found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them
what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a
quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the
quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When
they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at
her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the
waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is charcoal intolerant."
.
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Dear Webby: Computer vision fatigue Saturday, September 8, 2007, 08:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Saturday, Sept 8, 2007
Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word.
There are no exceptions to this rule.
--- Stephen King
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to
be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
--- Mark Caine
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.
As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends,
I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals
to one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate
caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds,
so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago.
I owe my life to chocolate!
From Doc
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church
with their three kittens.
He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother
turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door.
She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens.
She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll
drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice:
"They should had thought of that before they joined my church."
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lucy
Re: Eye strain
Dear Webby
I am working on a large but very important project, but lately
after half a day or so, my eyes get tired and sandy. When that
happens, I can't concentrate and all I want to do is go for a
nap. Is there a solution for that?
Lucy
Dear Lucy
First check the air currents in the room. If necessary, get a
smoker to assist you. Especially in a darkened room a
flashlight and some smoke will quickly tell you if air from
anywhere is bouncing off the monitor or keyboard into your
face and drying your eyes. If it is, deflect the air somehwre
else.
Secondly, raise the monitor or lower the chair so that you
sit in the sexy positioning like the typists before the
computer age, chest out, back and neck straight, head
slightly raised so that a ruler placed under your chin and
pointing forward, points slightly upward, not level or down.
Your neck and head circulation will improve instantly, and
your eyes will feel a lot better.
As a fringe benefit, especially if you combine that body
posture with a silly grin about it, works as an anti-depressant
and mood optimizer.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up,"
said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own phone bill."
Deeli's Kudos
Sent in by Dar
The Ontario government has
unveiled "Highway of Heroes"
signs along a stretch of
Highway 401, formally
dedicating the
route to Canada's fallen soldiers.
The 172-kilometre stretch,
officially designated as the
MacDonald-Cartier Freeway,
extends from Toronto to Trenton.
It is the route taken to transport the bodies of fallen soldiers to
the coroner's office in Toronto once they return to Canada.
Large crowds -- including veterans and emergency service
personnel -- have routinely gathered on the highway's
overpasses to wave flags in support of the troops.
Premier Dalton McGuinty said Friday that the signs will serve
as a commemoration of the bravery and sacrifice of Canadian
soldiers.
"The road that links Ontario and Quebec is named in honour
of the two leaders who gave life to our young nation more than
140 years ago," said McGuinty. "It is enormously fitting, then,
that we dedicate a portion of this very road in honour of those
who gave their lives for our nation."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Stocking Staples and Cooking From Scratch
The key to cooking from scratch is making sure that you
have staples on hand. Potatoes are cheap, can be stored
for a long time and can be used in a variety of dishes. Other
staples to keep on hand are rice, beans, cooking oil and flour.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber
standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any
gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore.
As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What
did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got
'em all."
A woman passed out and her husband,Bubba, called 911.
The operator said they would send someone out right away
and asked, "Where do you live?"
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally, Bubba said, "How about
I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?"
.
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Dear Webby: Outlook Express problems Friday, September 7, 2007, 07:47 AM
Good Morning, !
Friday, Sept 7, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
Humor is everywhere,
in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
--- Bill Nye
There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste.
--- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Woman comes home and tells her husband:
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're
gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
Well, that is wonderful" Said the husband.
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom
these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later
and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like
never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two
was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
she Sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife!"
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Can you find the names of 16 books from the Bible in the paragraph
below without the aid of your bible? (One minister found 15 of the
books in 20 minutes, but it took him weeks to find the last one.)
I once made the remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was
a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts... and for others it
was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names
of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home
to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it
to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some
really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I
will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them,
and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady
says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how
well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names
of books of the Bible in this paragraph.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Trish for sending this picture:
Sammi the Labrador and Duncan the Galah on the couch,
the photo is not 'engineered' in any way this is what happens
every night here.
Trish
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Ann
Re: Outlook Express Problems
Hi Webby:
I am hoping you get this e mail, this is the third try. Can
you tell me how to repair outlook express???? Most of
my e mails do not reach their destination, and I don't
receive most of the ones sent to me
I love your newsletter!!!!
Ann S
Dear Ann
Because I don't want the problems that you have,
I don't allow Outlook or Outlook Express within ten feet
of any Webby machine. You will have to read the answer
that the Express Empress posted in the blog on Aug 28,
in response to your earlier mail. Just go to
http://fire-cat.com/blog/
and scroll down until you see your name.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time
playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into
focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to
his son,
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by
the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was
The President of The United States."
Deeli's Kudos
August 12, 2007 - Athens, Greece - AFP
A middle-aged Greek shepherd unable to walk over long
distances now drives to work after training his flock of
sheep to follow his car, state television Net reported on
Sunday.
George Zokos from Tyrnavos in central Greece devised
the system after his health deteriorated, and has been
'driving' his sheep to pasture for the past three years,
the station said.
Zokos' neighbours have dubbed him "the euro-shepherd"
for his advanced sheep-herding method.
"We would sometimes hear honking, or the car door slamming,
and then we realised that it was George training his sheep,"
a neighbour told the station.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070812/o ... nimal_farm
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
September Home and Garden Bargains
September is a great month to get items for your home and
garden at clearance prices. Keep an eye out for seeds, plants,
planters, deck stain, outdoor grills and garden tools.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably
led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun
blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she still hasn't found one yet.
Here is one from Glenn
A little something for your "Stormy" section.
I had a Siamese tomcat and a miniture Dachsund. I built
the dog a doghouse with plexiglass, lined the floor and
walls with carpet, installed a heat lamp and a thermostat
to keep the dog warm without cooking it, because the
winters were quite cold.
The cat had been quite snobbish with the dog until it saw
the doghouse, then it became quite friendly! When it finally
did turn cold, it was not unusual to see the cat and dog
curled up together in the toasty warm doghouse. It was
easy to see in, since the roof was plexiglass, and the
U-turn hallway inside the doghouse kept out the cold wind.
The roof was hinged so I could put food and water into the
doghouse to keep the water from freezing.
(Oh, my wife didn't let the dog in the house, so he needed
a warm house of his own.)
Some years later, we moved, and the cat made friends with
the neighbor's bulldog, which was in a privacy-fenced back
yard. When the neighborhood tomcats wanted to establish
their dominance, the cat ran - straight over the privacy fence
and into the neighbor's back yard, the aggresive tom or toms
hot on his tail. Funny, one loud bark from that bulldog, and
the aggressive tom would come out of that yard even faster
than he went into it!
Hope you like the story.
Glenn
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better,....."
.
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Dear Webby: How to export Favorites Thursday, September 6, 2007, 07:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Thursday, Sept 6, 2007
My goal is to become the person my dog thinks I am.
--- Socratex
Thanks to Sandie for this:
When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood
pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained
some weight and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be
complicated and it would solve my physical problems.
He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright
colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc."
So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms
onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!
The reporter met the plane that brought back soldiers
from their year in Iraq. He wanted to write a human
interest story, and asked one soldier,
"What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?"
The soldier immediately replied, "Spend an hour in
bed with my wife."
The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and
asked, "Oh. Well, and what will you do after that ?"
"Take off these stupid combat boots!"
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please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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Thanks to Doug for sending this picture by his friend Arnie:
Bull Elk swimming across Powell Lake
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Olga
Re: How do I "export" favorites
Dear Webby
How do I "export" favorites from MSIE?
Olga
Dear Olga
Open the browser,
hold down ALT and hit F
I
N
E
Enter, Enter, Enter.
Just remember ALT Fine
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson.
She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for
church.
"Put whichever one you want in the collection plate
and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
When they were coming out of the church, the mother
asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give
the dollar, but just before the collection the man
in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful
givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave
the quarter, so I did."
Deeli's Kudos
August 12, 2007 - Glenville, New York - AP
An 83-year-old New York skydiver, who's been jumping out
of airplanes for less than ten years, has reached the 100
jump mark. Leo Dean of Albany now has his sights set on
200 jumps.
Dean took up skydiving after he was widowed in 1998.
He says he wondered if he had "the nerve to step out the door"
and was pleased to find out he did. Dean is a veteran of the
Second World War and still works as vice president of a
financial services company.
He made his 100th skydive Saturday and says he won't give
it up till he has to.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... d_skydiver
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save All The Receipts
Save all the receipts from back to school shopping so you
can return items that turn out to not be needed. Also, your
child may decide they want to wear a different style clothes
after school starts, keep tags and receipts so unwanted
(and unused) items can be returned.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine
snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a
newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged
Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used
to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she still hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a
dog story of my own.
One time a summer storm got a bit carried away and tree
branches and pine cones and squirrels and pieces of bark
and who knows what were flying along horizontally. Luckily
my workshop was sheltered bythe garage on the windy side
and all the windows were on the safe sides.
I watched how the dogs were coping with it. Most were lying
down in their favorite naptime configurations, except Dora.
She stood there, facing the wind, snapping at pine cones
and whatever flew by. Then she actually caught a squirrel!
Either she or the squirrel must have made a certain noise,
because instantly all the other dogs were on their feet and
playing the same game, catching wind-blown stuff, and having
a great time.
It only lasted about a few minutes, then the wind slowed down.
The dogs all turned to look down to the workshop and giving
short barks, as if they were trying to coax me to turn the wind
on again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody
caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
.
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Dear Webby: Organize favorites Wednesday, September 5, 2007, 07:06 AM
Good Morning, !
Wednesday, Sept 5, 2007
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy - but that could change.
--- Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
--- Dick Cavett
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my
very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a
telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"
Joe was sitting at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender
said, "You look awful, pal. What's your problem."
Joe stared into his drink and said, "I'm tired of being a
social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up
the animal cages. Well, it's not the most wonderful smell
in the world and because of it people avoid me. It's not
fair!"
"I see what you mean," the bartender sniffed. "But I've got
an idea. There are openings down at the factory. They are
regular hours and it probably pays better than the circus.
Why don't you apply?"
"What!" asked Joe, a bit offended,
"And leave show business?"
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Olga
Re: Alternative to Favorites
Dear Webby
Is there a way to tag your favorites (bookmarks) so that
the regularly used ones stay on top and don't get shuffled
in with new ones?
Thanks
Olga
Dear Olga
There are various programs that try to do that, but so far
I have not found one that is good enough to recommend.
You can EXPORT the pookmarks to an HTML page, just
like you do when you back them up.
That HTML page is just like a web page menu and you can
move entries up and down according to your priorities,
and insert new ones wherever you want.
You don't need any special editor or skills for that. Any
text editor like NotePad or NoteMaid will do fine.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Two poets, who had been bitter rivals, met each other on a
street corner. Naturally the old rivalry resumed itself.
"You know, " said the first poet,
"since we last met, my readership has increased!"
"Oh congratulations!" the second poet replied.
"I didn't know you got married!"
Deeli's Kudos
Couples join the 'Love Revolution'
NEARLY 7,000 couples smooched on Saturday in the Bosnian
town of Tuzla in an attempt to break the world simultaneous
kissing record. Organisers of the "Love Revolution" hope to
win the title from Hungary, where 6,400 couples set the record
in June.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Work Bench Yard Stick
Nail or glue a yard stick to the front of your workbench
for quick measurements. It comes in handy when you need
to make a lot of small measurements.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
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The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed
bachelor for many years.
"Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the
one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll
meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at
home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she still hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a
dog story of my own.
One time a visitor asked if there was a trail from my house
up the mountain behind the little lake, where my house was.
I told her, sure, just animal trails trampled out a bit by me
and my dogs. Since I was fairly busy, I told her she could
take a dog along to guide her.
Well, she had seen a picture of me running up a mountain
being towed by a dog, and wanted to try the same. Since she
was a tad overweight, she figured she would need a very
strong dog, so she picked Dora, a very muscular and low to
the ground heavy puller.
I offered her my running belt, which was basically just an
oversize web belt with 5" clips to clip into my jeans belt hoops,
so that it hung 5 inches below the regular belt. She declined
and insisted on clipping Dora's chain to her belt buckle.
Three minutes later she was back with a bloody nose and her
front decorated with bits of moss and pine needles. Dora had
wanted to go faster than she could run on rough terrain,
causing her to lose her balance and do a nose dive, just like
most beginners.
Now she accepted the low belt, and I told her to lean back
just like on a T-Bar ski lift. And I offered her a light-weight
moto-cross helmet with steel face guard. No, she wanted
her head free and her har blow in the wind.
Five minutes later she was back with most of her make-up
scratched off her face by branches along the trail. She had
been flailing with her arms to keep her balance instead of
guarding against low tree branches or high bushes.
This time she accepted the helmet and also a less powerful
tow dog.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Thanks to Vickey for this GROANER:
A MECHANIC AND HIS DOG
A mechanic who worked out of his home had
a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of
eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so
the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The
grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in
his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in
the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him
so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate
all the grass in the backyard. The next morning,
the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench
glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened,
he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly,
proclaiming...
(Are you ready for this?)
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved
a wrench for me!"
Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link:
Whiskers
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Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: AOL Address Book Tuesday, September 4, 2007, 07:10 AM
Good Morning, !
Tuesday, Sept 4, 2007
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered.
An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
--- G. K. Chesterton
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war
and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say
you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked,
"Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised
his hand.
"Johnny?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history,
and I hate History!"
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank
of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors.
They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,
sheepishly left the building.
A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of
robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they
demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
convinced that it was a practical joke.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor
clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but
got trapped in the revolving doors again.
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Evi
Re: Still Not getting subscription
Okay- I went online to your letter, and did read it; so obviously
the problem is AOL....but I can't find the "white-list" you talk
about in AOL to add your name to it.....................
I have searched everything I can find in AOL-- and it just
keeps taking me to different sites I can add "My" name to
to request a white list for mail I'm sending.............................
do you know how I "find" and access this "white list" for
incoming mail to add you? I have added dear webby to my
favorite places, and my address book hoping that will help....
but I can't find the white-list you speak of in AOL to add you
to that.
Evie
Dear Evi
Have you tried putting
humor@webby.com
into your address book?
By the way, your rr address claims that there is no such user.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament
and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she
was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Deeli's Kudos
August 10, 2007 - Winnepeg - CP
She likes to nap and nosh on her favourite foods, but at her
age the grande dame can be forgiven her indulgences.
Debby, who lives in a rocky enclosure at Winnipeg's Assiniboine
Park Zoo, was recently named the world's oldest polar bear by
Guinness World Records.
At 40, Debby has doubled the life expectancy of most polar
bears. In the wild, the massive Arctic bears usually live about
20 years.
Zoo officials believe Debby was born in December 1966 and
arrived in Winnipeg from Russia the following spring.
For years, she shared an enclosure with her mate Skipper, who
died six years ago at age 34.
When they were younger, the bears would cuddle together outside
through the night, even in -40 C. temperatures. In the morning,
they'd wake up completely covered in snow drifts. Their long
relationship was unusual for the usually solitary animals.
As for the secret to Debby's longevity, zookeepers can only guess.
If Debby stays healthy for the next few years, she could break
another record. As it stands, she is almost the oldest bear in
recorded history, second only to a 43-year-old bruin from a zoo in
Detroit, Wrigley said.
At a celebration of her Guinness record later this month, zookeepers
plan to feed Debby some of her favourite treats - smoked goldeye,
veggie dogs and a fish frozen inside a block of ice.
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... polar_bear
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
The Night Before School Starts
On the night before school, have your child lay his or her
clothing out, have lunches and backpacks packed and a quick
and easy to prepare breakfast on hand for the morning. Make
sure your kids set their alarm clocks and establish an
"out the door time".
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Billy for this story:
I was the last to leave the office one Friday
evening and managed to lock myself out without
my overcoat and wallet.
Kneeling in a deserted hallway to try picking
an electronic lock with a paper clip, I heard
the seam of my suit trousers rip apart.
About then I realized I needed a screwdriver
to remove the lock plate, and said so, aloud.
Seconds later the elevator doors next to my
office opened, revealing a screwdriver in the
middle of the floor.
There was a crackle from the wall speaker next
to the elevator. "This is security," said a voice.
"There's your screwdriver. Sorry, but I don't
have a needle or thread for your pants!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog
story of my own.
On hot days dogs need a lot of water, and I would hate to
see them go thirsty if they knock over their dish. So I
used 55 gallon drums cut in half for water dishes.
One time my girlfriend came running into the workshop
where I was making some parts for the windmill and yelled
that Dora's pups were in her water dish and couldn't get out,
and that Dora wouldn't let her go near them.
The pups were about 3 months old and were getting their
water at the lake about 30 feet away, so they were probably
just goofing around, or Dora tossed them in there so that
they would leave her alone.
I suggested that she go to the dogfood barrel, take the lid off
and start filling the pail. The moment she touched the lid,
all the dogs started their usual dinner howl, making sure
that they were not forgotten.
The pups jumped and clambered over the edge of the sawed
off barrel and were milling around her feet before she had
finished filling the pail.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he
used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened
himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He
said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound
potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides
and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato
sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato
sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full
minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Not getting subscriptions Monday, September 3, 2007, 08:31 AM
Good Morning, !
Monday, Sept 3, 2007
Happy Labor Day!
Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.
However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
--- Richter
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack,
you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game
of golf. You really know your way around the course. What
is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
A truck driver was having lunch at a truck stop when 8
motorcyclists came in.
They ate his crackers, drank his water, etc., and he made
no move to object.
After he left one of the group laughed and said,
"He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
The waitress behind the counter, looking out the window
said, "He's not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran
over 8 motorcycles!"
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Sherri Ferns, 35 of Concord, NH
Not sporty!
August 4, 2007 - Concord, New Hampshire - AP
A New Hampshire woman has been charged with assault for
allegedly throwing pizza at an umpire at a Little League
game in Concord last month.
Police say 35-year-old Sherri Ferns was working in a
concession stand. Her son is on the Concord All-Star team,
which lost a close game on July 11. A league investigation
said Concord parents and Little League volunteers taunted
the umps and tried to provoke them.
Police say Ferns tossed pizza that hit one ump and a parent.
She's charged with two counts of simple assault.
The league disciplined nine parents, board members and
volunteers, asking some to resign from the board.
Ferns was one of the nine.
http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 15021.html
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
The station is not pretty, but the view sure is!
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Evi
Re: Not getting subscription
For some unknown reason I haven't received your most
enjoyed news letter for several weeks, although your web
page does show I am still subscribed to it.
I admit I am NOT a computer expert but I can't find anything
in my mail controls that indicates that any of my mail is
being blocked, so am wondering what's going on that I'm
not receiving a copy every day.
Am hoping you can figure it out better than I've been able to!
Evie
Dear Evi
That seems to be normal with ao'ell.
You would be surprised to find out how many letters like
yours I get every day.
Apparentlty they got no sense of humor down there, and
the sniveling ninnies like to steal subscriptions.
Got to make room for spam, ya know.
Have you tried putting
humor@webby.com
into your white-list?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos
August 10, 2007 - Trenton, New Jersey - AP
Divorce lawyers say electronic toll collection systems are
proving to be a valuable tool in exposing cheating spouses.
An Associated Press survey found that highway agencies
in seven states will release E-ZPass toll records in response
to court orders in both criminal and civil cases, including
divorces.
New York divorce lawyer Jacalyn Barnet called E-ZPass
"an easy way to show you took the off-ramp to adultery."
She said she's used the records on a number of occasions.
Another divorce lawyer, Lynne Gold-Bikin, said she was
able to prove her client's husband went to New Jersey on
a night he claimed to have been attending a business
meeting in Pennsylvania.
http://www.wsbtv.com/family/13867607/detail.html
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Around Your Home's Foundation
Check the grading around your house to make sure the ground
is sloping away from your house and no plants or dirt is in contact
with your siding. Inspect and patch any cracks in your foundation.
Remove mildew with a solution of 1 part chlorine bleach to 3
parts water.
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting
anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having
their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out
and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better
go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another
one."
Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the
father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the
way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he
goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital
again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on
the way.
White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so
drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded
cricket game score.
When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong:
"The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last
one was a duck."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog
story of my own.
One time my summer neighbor, a chef from Switzerland,
wanted to borrow one of my dogs to take along, because
he heard that there were grizzlies near his favorite fishing
spot. Adam was ideal for that. He was tall and had very
visible reddish-brown and white markings. He was quite
conscientious, but not as obnoxious about it as some of the
other dogs.
When Jacques brought Adam back, he was quite dissappointed.
He said Adam took off as soon as he started fishing, and did
not return until he packed up his stuff.
I had to explain to him that for every grizzly HE sees, there
are a hundred that see him. Adam was just busy spiralling
out from his fishing spot ad slowly herding the bears away.
They are basically peaceful and especially on hot summer
days, rather saunter away than get into any strenuous fight.
And since he had not seen a single grizzly all day, obviously
Adam had been doing a good job, even though he was not
underfoot waiting to be petted, like some of the dogs would
have been.
They became good friends that season and from that day
on, Jaques always asked for Adam.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently
need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
DearWebby: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
DearWebby: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's
an intel inside. How do I get that one out? "
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby: Connection failing Sunday, September 2, 2007, 07:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Sunday, Sept 2, 2007
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
--- Frank Zappa
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
--- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a
translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his
talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not
know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen." Being rather
resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms
were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two
words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said
in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was
shocked. The people seemed stunned.
He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't
heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in
Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire
audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said,
"Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex,
they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to Howard Shelley, 42, Buckinghamshire, UK
Trying for a Darwin Award?
August 9, 2007 - Buckinghamshire, UK - Ananova
Building boss Howard Shelley carried out the ultimate DIY
conversion by castrating himself.
The 42-year-old dad of two decided on the drastic move after
being told he would have to wait at least two years for a sex
change on the NHS, reports The Sun.
He found a website which gave a step-by-step guide to the
eye-watering home surgery, then waited till wife Janet went
out before setting to work with a kitchen knife in the loo.
With the job done, he wrapped his severed appendages in
a cloth and dropped them in the bin.
Then he drove five miles to his local GP, explained what he'd
done, and was packed off for treatment at the Stoke Mandeville
Hospital, near Aylesbury.
Amazingly, three days later he was back at his desk.
Howard, who wants to be known as Holli, said: "It was very
painful, but the moment I cut them off I felt all woman.
"I'm the sort of guy who, when I make up my mind to do something,
wants it done there and then. I didn't want to be a man any
more so I decided to do it myself.
"The worst bit was steeling myself for the first cut. The whole
thing took six minutes. It was agony, but I knew I couldn't stop."
He is saving up £5,000 for a full sex-change operation in
Thailand. He said: "I want breasts and hips - then I can be a
real woman."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2454871.html?menu=
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill,
so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help...
"If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Susan
Re: Get knocked off-line and modem makes weird noise
Good Morning, We have been having a lot of trouble of
falling off line once we are connected to Inet. We have a
new provider so apparantly that was not the problem. When
trying to connect, I sometimes notice strange noise...I have
to shut down and restart. If the strange noise has stopped,
it will then connect. We still may get dropped and have to
reconnect. I think this is a modem problem. Do you think the
modem needs to be replaced? It has been replaced once.
Does heat have anything to do with this? (we have dial up)
Read your humor letter and vote every time I am online. I do
not trust just anyone's 'tech help' but I have never gone wrong
with yours. Thank you for any help you can give me this time.
Susan
Dear Susan
that would be either the modem re-dialing after your connection
had broken,
or
some malicious program knocking you off and then dialing a
long distance number.
Is the sound similar to when you are normally connecting?
if it sounds like a normal connecting, then reboot to get a
clean slate, then
click on START,
RUN,
then type cmd and hit Enter.
You will get a black and white DOS screen.
In there type
tracert hotmail.com
Click on EDIT, MARK, COPY, then paste that into a text file or email.
Just save that.
Then, next time you get knocked off and the modem dials you
up with a weird noise,
do that again. If it shows a different trace route, then you know some
malicious program is connecting you to some expensive long distance.
If it shows the same route as right after rebooting, then you can relax.
Then it's just something interrupting your connection.
That could be anything.
When I was in the Yukon, my security system did a self-test at 01:00
and called in an "OK" to the monitoring station. That of course knocked
me off-line.
In Okotoks it was the gas meter, that phoned in the day's results at 02:00.
Same thing. I got knocked off the net.
If it happens more than once a day, ask the phone company to check the
line and find out what interrupts the connection.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos
August 13, 2007 - Woolton, Liverpool, UK - Ananova
A baby was born in Liverpool at 8.08am on the eighth day of
the eighth month weighing 8lbs after her mum endured eight
hours of labour.
Mel Byrne, 31, gave birth to Lulu with help from Chinese-born
midwife Bea Fung, who helped deliver eight babies that day,
reports the Daily Mirror.
Mrs Fung said: "In Chinese culture the number eight is
considered very lucky. I was watching the clock as the birth
approached and was counting the minutes and she arrived
at just the right time.
"Straight away I told Mel and Pete their daughter was very
lucky indeed."
Mrs Fung, who has been at Liverpool Women's Hospital for
33 years, added: "The number of eights linked to Lulu is
incredible. I consider myself very lucky to have been there."
The couple, from Woolton, Liverpool, already have a two-year-
old daughter, Maisy.
Photographer Peter, 30, said: "Bea was very excited and kept
telling us how lucky we were and how lucky Lulu is.
"I think I will be letting Lulu choose the lottery numbers as soon
as she is old enough."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2460690.html?menu=
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Storing An Extra Roll of Toilet Paper
If you do not have cabinet bathroom storage space, or it
just is not close enough to the toilet, store toilet paper
spare roll this way. Cut the bottom out of a tall square
tissue box and slip it over the top of the roll. It's both
pretty and handy, sitting on the toilet top. By Linda
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily
ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc.
It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" Doc asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," Doc said. "How could your wife's family give
you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog
story of my own.
Dora was a wheel dog. That's the title given to the last dog
in the team. The wheel dog needs weight, raw power, and
a fanatic obsession to stay on the trail. Without a strong
wheel dog the team tends to straighten out on a winding trail
and the last one or two dogs get drug through the deep snow
beside the trail. If the trail is winding, there is usually a
reason for that, for example rocks or stumps. If the team
straightens, the sled will hit those hidden obstacles, often
with disastrous results.
Dora had that talent and strength. For example, one time
winter I had clipped her chain to a 100 Gallon propane "pig"
while I was cleaning up around her tree.
While I was putting the rake and the shovel away, she pulled
the propane pig over on it's side and drug it to her spot.
It was still full and not hooked up yet, so it was not a big deal,
but I made her tow it back all by herself too.
Dora was very possessive and a great guard dog for my
truck and the tool boxes in the back. One hot September day
it was her turn to come along to a job site. As usual, on hot
days, she jumped off the truck and laid down in the shade
under it. Towards evening, as the sun shone under the truck,
she moved over under the next truck and continued her snooze
there.
Then another worker came running up to me, quite upset and
claiming that my dog had just about killed him and would not
let him near his truck.
I realized what had happened and went out there and yelled:
"Dora, UP!"
As usual, she zipped out from under the truck and jumped.
In mid air she realized that there was no welder and toolbox
on the truck, but a mess of pipes.
Dora tried her best to turn around in mid-air, but just managed
to crash sideways into all those pipes and causing quite a
clatter and racket. She stood up, gave the pipes a disgusted
look, and then gave me a dirty look, for having switched the
trucks on her, while she was napping.
Then she finally jumped from the wrong truck onto mine,
went to her traveling spot between the welder and the cab,
turned around a couple of times, and flopped down to resume
her nap.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged
man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a
ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the
highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I
was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so
quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third
time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better
view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times....!"
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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Dear Webby's Road Warrior Kit for 2007 Saturday, September 1, 2007, 06:26 AM
Good Morning, !
Saturday, Sept 1, 2007
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
--- Rudyard Kipling
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and
was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked.
"My husband," she replied.
"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"
"Relax," she said, "He's downtown playing poker with you."
TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms
that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative
direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are
to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe
patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL
(pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers
to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their
mental state.
Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC
(total body crunch) or "hamburger helper".
Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to
include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface"
or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not
"glow worms."
Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use
are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted" or "UFO-rejects".
Persons who are hysterical or sufering from Post Traumatic
Stress Syndrome are not to be called "LOV" (Low On Valium)
Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
The homeless are not "urban campers".
Endotracheal intubation is not to be referred to as a "PVC Challenge".
And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being
"paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling
the drain).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity
of our patients to include their medical orientations in
creating proper, narratives and log entries.
Sincerely,
Director of Human Resources
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to loose British prisons
From the frying pn into the fire
August 7, 2007 - Bicester, Oxfordshire, UK - Ananova
An immigrant who broke out of a detention centre was caught
after he knocked on the door of a prison officer.
The Bangladeshi fugitive asked for help and shelter at the
home of Bill Smith, 50.
He told wife Sheila to call police but the runaway made
another break for it over the garden fence. Bill restrained
him and six officers arrived to take him back, reports The Sun.
The prison guard said the shoeless fugitive appeared at
his house at 9am yesterday.
He said: "I sat him in a garden chair and gave him a drink
of water and he calmed down.
"He was frightened and didn't want to go back. But as a
prison officer you're never off duty."
Police are still hunting 14 immigrants after 26 broke out of
Campsfield House detention centre, Oxfordshire, on Sunday.
Bill, who works at Bullingdon Prison nearby, found the man's
mobile and an ID confirming he was from Campsfield.
He said: "A mobile may have helped him escape. The mind
boggles that they are issued to them."
He revealed it was the third time he has found escaped
detainees in his garden in 23 years living in Bicester,
Oxfordshire.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2451986.html?menu=
Thanks to Roland for this picture:
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young
man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and
everything.
When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his
fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of
the fork are you referring to?'
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sheila
Re: Laptop Blues
Dear Webby,
I know you have answered this before, but I need help. I purchased
a laptop and will be traveling. You had lots of good info about
traveling such as the fiberglass used in hotels, but I can't
remember the details because I didn't expect to buy a laptop.
I really enjoy your news letter. Lots of info that's so helpful.
Thanks for taking your time to help us!
Sheila
Dear Sheila
Here is what's in the Dear Webby Road Warrior kit:
4mm or thicker Plexiglass cut to just fit into the lid of the
wheeled carry-on, corners rounded for a snug fit and
edges sanded. Leave the protective paper on. Some
mice don't work well on bare Plexiglass, plus it's handy
to write phone numbers, etc. on. The Plexiglass is to jam
into a dresser or night-table drawer to provide a comfortable
laptop desk, so that you don't have to sit on a tower of pillows.
A proper keyboard that is short enough to fit into your
wheeled carry-on.
A decent 5-button mouse: Microsoft Laser Mouse is much
cheaper and a bit smaller than the Intellimouse Explorer,
though not as comfortable if you have large hands.
15' - 20' phone extension cable
15' - 20' light weight extension cord (5 Amp, lamp grade)
15' - 20' network cable
Outlet multiplier cube
27 Watt folded spiral light bulb. They produce about the
same amount of light as a regular 75 Watt bulb and turn a
dingy, romatic hotel room into a brightly lit office instantly.
Carefully slice the edges of the tough protective display box
it comes in, so that you can re-use that for storing it in.
PowerStat cigarette lighter plug in 110 Volt inverter
Nowadays most laptops have the below listed items built in,
but if yours doesn't, you need to get them:
Wireless network adapter
Plug in network card for wired networks
Modem for dial-up
Print-out of Earthlink local dial-up numbers for each state
or country that you travel through, in case you get stuck in
between planned destinations.
AAA card and phone number.
Put all of those items into a strong zip-lock bag and put
it into the wheeled carry-on, NOT into the laptop case.
With the size restrictions in effect now, you might as well
check in the carry-on, and just carry the laptop in a
comfortable pack-sack style laptop case. Some airports
require a lot of walking, so don't put anything into the laptop
case that you don't absolutely need on the plane.
Decorate the carry-on and suitcase with bright and obvious
colors to easily spot them from a distance. Brightly colored
tape works fine, but try to use the same color combinations
on all of your pieces.
Get some self-seal cold lamination luggage tags, for example
at Staples (#45383 in Canada, # 889545 in the US) and
glue them to every piece of luggage. I use business cards
with my picture on them, and any argument is instantly
finished when I point at the tag. I have of course also epoxied
them to the camera and the laptop.
And that's all there is to my road warrior kit.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos
August 6, 2007 - Pembroke, West Wales - Ananova
Great gran still feeling chipper
Hard-working Connie Brown will celebrate her 100th birthday
today by frying up fish and chips in her shop as usual.
Connie, who has been working at the chippie since she and
late husband Sidney opened it in 1928, is refusing to mark
the milestone by taking a day off, reports the Daily Mirror.
She said "I love my work. Why should I slacken because it's
my 100th? I love the feel of the cod in my hands as I skin it
and I still enjoy frying."
Great gran Connie runs Brown's in Pembroke, West Wales,
with help from son Hilton, 72, and grandson Steve, 44. And
today she'll be in as usual at 9am to start skinning fish.
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2450679.html?menu=
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organizing With Lists
When you have a lot of things to do and feel unorganized
make a list. Sit down in the morning and write down 5 or 6
things that you could get done during the day. Then I
prioritize by numbering the items in the order that will
serve you best. By Ardis
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv:
"My wife's two hours late....
...She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident,
.....or she's shopping.
OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
So I'll throw in a dog story of my own.
One time I was leading a string of pack-horses from Tincup
to Burwash. On the map that's about 30-35 miles, so it's
just barely doable in a day, if you leave at the first grey of
dawn and don't mind arriving in the dark. I was riding one
horse and leading four, and I had Erik, my lead dog with me.
One of the pack horses had the extremely annoying habit of
going around the wrong side of a tree, instead of following
the horse in front of her, at least four times per mile.
There was no trail, I was just cutting across dense bush
and forest, using sections of animal trails, when they went
in the right direction, but mostly just forging a new trail.
After a while it got really annoying when that horse went
around the wrong side of a tree, because each time it nearly
pulled my left arm out of it's socket. You can't tie a pack
horse to the saddle in dense forest, things break if you do.
As my annoyance grew, my language got more colorful and
Erik realized that pack horses are just under-educated sled
dogs, and set about correcting that. He knew how to keep a
team of dogs in line.
With a nip here and a nip there, within a couple of miles the
horse decided to stop her silly games, and followed the horse
ahead of her.
We made good time after that, and swam across the White
River by moonlight at about 10:30 pm, and reached the
highway shortly afterward. The truck that was supposed to be
waiting for us, of course wasn't. So I drank the last of the
lukewarm coffee in the thermos and led the horses down the
highway to Burwash. By that time Erik and the naughty horse
had become good buddies and were walking peacefully side
by side.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
GROAN Alert
Yeah, I know you are going to groan,
and then forward it.
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing
several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning
the crime, getting in and out past security, he was
captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out
of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and
otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious
error...
... He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
[ view entry ]
( 239 views )
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Der Webby: Monitor Interference Friday, August 31, 2007, 09:57 AM
Good Morning, !
Friday, Aug 31, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.
--- Edward R. Murrow,
ACTUAL CAR ACCIDENT STATEMENTS
Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell
asleep at the wheel and had the accident.
Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my
car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he
bounced off the hood of my car.
Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with
my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.
Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I
turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a
different direction going the opposite way.
Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in
the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end
and there was a crash.
Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was
unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle
and vanished.
Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing
my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the roadway when I struck him.
Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on
the gas and crashed into the other car.
Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a
small car with a big mouth.
Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the
hospital.
Resume Bloopers
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and
were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive
experience.
2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and
spreadsheet progroms.
3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.
6) Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my
experience.
8) You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget
details.
10) I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12) Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not
a horse.
14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please
feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice
mail.
15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting
completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16) I have six kids but other than that I am often quite
rational.
, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports:
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to town council in Lodz, Poland
Dctatorship
August 9, 2007 - Lodz, Poland - Ananova
A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local
council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back
garden.
But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a
change in the law meant local council officials could use
private land for road building without consent and without
paying compensation.
A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know
why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still
get to the back of her garden quite easily."
He said the road was expanded to improve access to a new
computer factory and that the law change in December meant
that they did not need permission.
He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now."
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2453611.html?menu=
Thanks to Lisa for this story:
For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed
in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in
the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for
me and one handsome young man. As I continued my
underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam,
he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him
coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.
"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't
get out until you did."
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From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Elsa
Re: Monitor interference
Dear Webby,
While we are renovating, we are using a door laying flat
on four short file cabinets as a desk. I sit on the handle side
and my hubby sits on the hinge side. The monitors sit side
by side in the middle, one facing east, one facing west.
Net solution, right? NOT! When both monitors are on, they
flicker like crazy and the colors are weird. Obviouly they are
interfering with each other. Moving them apart makes the
seating awkward and is not a solution. So, what IS the
solution?
Elsa
Dear Elsa
Take the side cover off one of the computers and stick it
between the two monitors. The side covers are made from
cheap sheet metal that blocks magnetic radiation. Don't use
stainless steel or aluminum, it HAS to be cheap iron sheet
metal.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges
100% Guarantee & Free shipping
Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners.
Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money!
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Deeli's Kudos
August 13, 2007 - Portland, Maine - Gimundo
At the hospital, relatives crowd around to see the newborn baby,
Stephen John Sutherland II. Everyone agrees: He has his father's
smile.
Sadly, the infant's father will never have the chance to meet him.
The first Stephen John Sutherland, a soldier, died more than a
year ago in battle in Iraq.
However, before Sutherland left the U.S., he froze some of his
sperm to make sure that, even if he did not return safely from
the war zone, a part of him would remain in the world.
"I think that Stephen had, I don't know, a sixth sense telling him
he needed to do this because he didn't think he was coming
back, " Steven's wife, Maria, told WCHS6 News in Portland,
Maine.
Shortly after learning of her husband's death, Maria was
impregnated with Stephen's sperm. Despite her tragic loss,
she knew there was hope for the future – thanks to Stephen's
remarkable foresight, she could honor his memory by raising
their child.
http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... _His_Death
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Ice Cube Tray for Earrings
I bought 4 plastic ice cube trays. In each of the cube
spaces I put a single pair of earrings. They stack easily
and you can see 12 at once and find the pair you are
looking for in a jiffy. This takes up very little room on
my bathroom shelf also. By Connie
Why not use a compact fold-out fly-fishing 96 compartment
tacklebox? When the hinged lid is opened, all the drawers
get moved out to display all of them for a quick overview.
Many models can even be locked, and all of them have a
safety latch so that it doesn't accidentally open while traveling
through rough bush. When going on vacation, you can just
take your little tackle box. After all, they ARE lures '-)
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than
just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then
you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended !
You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests !
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by
and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really
there?" Johnny said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.
"Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God?
What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept
of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny
could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars
like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea.
"You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge
because of news that her father is dying. She will
send in her columns again as soon as she finds a
Cybercafe up there.
So I'll throw in a dog story of my own.
On the last August weekend a few years ago I invited
a lady friend to come along on a canoe trip up the
McClintock River. As you can probably imagine, my canoe
was slightly modified and improved. Instead of the silly
high slat seats, I had put in low bucket seats, and because
steering a canoe from the rear is not only hard on your
back, but you don't see rocks or submerged trees until
you hit them, I had put a steering wheel and motor controls
up front.
Even though the motor was raised up high so that the prop
was just barely under water, thanks to the low bucket seats
the canoe was not tippy at all, as long as everybody was
sitting down.
We were quitely cruising up the river, enjoying the senery
and occasional wildlife on the shores. Because the bears
were still out and about, I had two of my sled dogs with me.
They knew that whatever was on the shore, was taboo and
not to be chased.
Then suddenly a beaver surfaced, saw us, slapped the water
with his tail like a gunshot, and dove away. Naturally the
dogs instantly went after it. Sled dogs are not light weight
dogs, and when the two of them simultaneously pushed off
with full force from the left gunnel, the canoe flipped quite
instantly and we were sitting in the icy water.
The water was only about waist deep there and it was no big
deal uprighting the canoe and pushing it to the shore.
The Yamaha outboard had stopped instantly when it hit the
water, but had suffered no damage. I turned the prop a few
times to pump the water out, then gave it a pull and it started
as if nothing had happened.
While the lady hung our clothes over bushes to dry, I motored
on down the river to retrieve the coolers, which had gracefully
drifted out of sight around the bend in the river. When I caught them,
I decided to just tow them rather than risk tipping the canoe
again by lifting them over the side.
Must have been a hilarious sight with me sitting in the canoe
bare naked, holding on to a cooler on each side, steering with
my left knee and controlling the throttle with my right foot.
Neither the food cooler nor the one with the camping gear and
clothes had taken on any water, so we decided to camp right
there and wait for the clothes to dry.
The dogs had given up on the beaver and had chased and/or
eaten anything that moved for a mile around, and went to
sleep before we finished eating. As usual, they laid down
right in front of the tent, not so much to guard against chaseable
"killer" squirrels, but to make sure that they got triped over and
petted whenever somebody entered or left the tent.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim
Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what
Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They
say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a
barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime.
He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to
one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of
you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than
the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger,
or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit giving me
free nickles!"
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today.
have FUN !
Dear Webby
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