Dear Webby: Mark 17 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Sept 20, 2007

Chance can allow you to accomplish a goal every once in a while, but consistent achievement happens only if you love what you are doing. --- Bart Conner
Thanks to LLLiDO for this story: Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbour ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbour bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
Thanks to Darlene for bringing back this Classic: A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Zach what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest and with as deep a voice he could muster and with great pride belted out: "Winnie the SHIT

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I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Department Of Motor Vehicles In Washington State Not organized September 19, 2007 - Richland, Washington - Deeli Having recently relocated from the state of Michigan to the state of Washington, Deeli finds it both disconcerting and rather comical that she may not apply for her Washington State Drivers License, 'YET' ... Keep in mind that even with birth certificate, Michigan drivers license, Passport, Washington State apartment lease, Washington State utility company approval for use of utilities at said apartment, proof of shipment of household goods to Richland, WA, proof of shipment of vehicle to Richland, WA, Washington state auto insurance, etc. etc. etc., well, none of these documents are enough to be considered a resident of Washington State. Now keep in mind that new residents of Washington State must take their drivers test within 30 days of arrival. What's the hold-up you ask ??? One must first receive one's first 'utility bill', or any other documents deemed as 'proof' of Washington State residencey, via postal mail only, before considered an 'official resident' in the state of Washington. Self Employment pay doesn't cut it either nor do Washington State bank accounts make one a 'resident' eligible to apply for a driver's test. Nope, have to have a paycheck from a local company or that first utility bill. Don't worry, Deeli! Just get it in writing, that you are not allowed to take the test. Plus a print-out of this Bonehead Award, of course. If you get stopped for speeding, show them those papers along with your Michigan drivers license. They will probably start laughing ans let you off with a warning.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Evi Re: AOL Dear Webby Well- at least now I know this address is working right! I called AOL- and of course I got a number that they said the "non AOL" member who was sending had to call. They then referred me to another number for AOL members, and they referred me to live chat..so will try that and see if I can fix anything from my end! Am still reading your humor letter on line daily...thank you for the link in the Hi card letter! Evie Wohlers Dear Evi About a five hundred AOLers do receive the Humor Letter, and about 200 or so, it seems, don't. Since the many thousands, who have graduated from AOL, get it without any hassle, it would seem the problem is on the AOL side, and no matter what I change on my side, SOME AOLers will still have problems.. Have FUN! DearWebby
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From LLLiDO: It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." --------------------------- Last time I featured this joke, two people bitterly complained that it was not clean enough for church, and about two hundred people forwarded it to their entire Friends List, which apparently included my address too.

Deeli's Kudos September 17, 2007 - Berwick, Pennsylvania - AP You might say she was born to be wild — a century ago. Evelyn Warburton rode to her 100th birthday party Saturday in a motorcycle sidecar. She sported a black leather jacket, a helmet and a pair of sunglasses for the 10-minute ride from her home in Lightstreet to her granddaughter's house in Berwick. ''It was fun today,'' said Warburton. Her chauffeur on the green 2000 Herley-Davidson Ultra was George Crawford, a friend who had been offering to take her to church on his motorcycle for several years. Warburton finally accepted Crawford's offer of a ride to her party. She had actually turned 100 on Thursday. Crawford said Warburton was nervous at first, but relaxed after he assured her she wouldn't fly out of the sidecar. The duo hit a top speed of 40 mph. ''She's willing to try new things,'' said Warburton's daughter, Nancy Hartzel. http://www.happynews.com/news/9172007/w ... idecar.htm

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Drying Pillows When drying pillows, toss a couple clean tennis balls in the dryer. The tennis balls will help fluff up the pillows and allow the stuffing to dry more evenly. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Lu for this story: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1953." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you all understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many people had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark only has 16 chapters. I will know proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Balloons
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Verizon problems 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Sept 19, 2007

God doesn't look at how much we do, but with how much love we do it. --- Mother Teresa Children are natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners. --- Socratex
Two fathers-to-be met in the maternity waiting room. "Can you believe this? The first day of our vacation, and she goes into labor!" The second one looks at the first and says, "What do you have to complain about? This is our honeymoon!"
Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?" The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

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A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.... Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you." Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!" Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?" Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!" ------------- Glad I am not playing golf! Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gino Sciortino in Melford, Connecticut Does not like horses September 14, 2007 - Milford, Connecticut - AP A man has filed a lawsuit against his neighbor, claiming he can't sell his house because of the smell of horse manure from next door. In court documents filed in Superior Court, Gino Sciortino claims Helen Catlin is permitting significant quantities of horse manure to accumulate in piles on her property and the foul odor can often be smelled at his home. Helen and David Catlin have lived on Park Road more than a year and own three horses. Sciortino said that at times, the smell is overpowering. "When the wind blows, everything smells of horse manure," Sciortino said Thursday, saying the odor has made it difficult to sell his house for the past year. Sciortino is asking for monetary damages as well as an injunction ordering Helen Catlin to relocate the horse manure and other debris and to re-grade the soil near their property line. "Once this is resolved, I will try to sell again," Sciortino said. David Catlin, the husband of the woman named in the lawsuit, said Thursday that he mixes the manure with other material to create compost, which he sprinkles with lime to prevent the scent from wafting across the property. "Nobody else seems to be able to smell it," Catlin said of his other neighbors. "He's misleading a lot of people." Staffers at the Pomperaug Health District have not reported any complaints about horse manure on Park Road. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070914/D8RLFQNG0.html --------------- I remember when I was a little kid, there was still a few horse drawn wagons on the road. When we heard the clip-clop of horses, we used to race to the road with old dustpans, and if a horse donated some horse apples, each kid tried to get them for his family's garden. We used to even fight right in the middle of the road when the winner was not clear. But then usually the girls tried to steal them.
These used to be the pastel yellow fowers in my lawn that I mowed around, because they were quite cute and lasting.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerome Re: Verizon blocking subscriptions Dear Webby Unfortunately Verizon is blocking you too. Just thought you might like to know as they are really dimwits. Jerome Dear Jerome yes, Verizon has been trying to make AOL look good for some time, and a lot of Verizon victims use gmail to get reliable mail. How do you get around them? Have FUN! DearWebby
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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Deeli's Kudos September 15, 2007 - Dallas, Texas - AP An emergency room might be the last place you'd think would have do-it-yourself check-in. But Parkland Memorial Hospital has three self-service computer kiosks, similar to those used by airport passengers and hotel guests. And so do a handful of other hospital ERs, where the long wait in line to register and explain symptoms can be grueling. True emergency cases _ gunshot or car crash victims with serious injuries _ are still rushed in for treatment. But patients like Rickey Washington, a diabetic concerned about numbness in his hands and feet, find it fairly simple to sign in by computer. ''Once you look and see, it's kind of easy,'' said Washington, 44. Besides offering patients more privacy, the kiosks should help nurses identify the most urgent cases. Parkland's administrators say patients have been spared the long check-in lines since the kiosks arrived. The hospital's ER handles about 300 cases a day. ''It's helping us find the people that we need to see right now,'' said Jennifer Hay, unit manager for the ER department. Patients spend about eight minutes at the kiosks, using touchscreens to enter their name, age, and other personal information. The computer shows the patient a list of ailments to choose from, like ''pain'' or ''fever and/or chills'' and a list of body parts to indicate where it hurts. Previously, a nurse checked in patients and took their vital signs as lines at the ER got longer and frustration mounted. ''If it's getting people to be able to sit down and not be standing in a long line, then it's good,'' said Dr. Brian Keaton, president of the American College of Emergency Physicians. http://www.happynews.com/news/9152007/e ... -lines.htm

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Tea Light in Pillar Candles If you like to decorate with large pillar candles, but don't like it when they get short, just let them burn down to the height you like, pour out the extra wax to form a hollow inside of the candle. Slip in a tea light and and your pillar candles will last a long time. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

One of my first duties as an Air Force officer was to set up a field medical-training program at our hospital. I conducted a class in triage -- sorting out battlefield casualties according to the likelihood of survival. We had applied theatrical makeup to several airmen to simulate different wounds. Pointing to one of the "casualties," I said to the group, "This man has severe brain damage. What would you do with him?" Came this reply from the back of the class: "Make him an officer!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Charges of statutory sexual seduction face an El Cajon, CA science teacher who trysted in a Vegas motel with one of her 15 year old students. (LA Times) Whose parents will administer disciplinary action as soon as they can wipe the smile off his face.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Vermont Fall Colors
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: AOL Problems 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Sept 18, 2007

True friends are those who really know you but love you anyway. --- Edna Buchanan
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
My feisty 70-year-old neighbor Frances had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges!" Frances exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes." The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," my neighbor responded and she handed him a rake. He spent the next 55 minutes in her back yard bagging leaves. Then he charged her an hour extra for traveling time.

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A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 17 year old boy in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Too dumb to own a gun September 13, 2007 - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - AP A 17-year-old boy accidentally shot himself in the leg while standing in line at a McDonald's restaurant and now he faces an illegal weapons charge. The boy was fiddling with the .25-caliber pistol tucked in his waistband when it fired, wounding him in the upper thigh shortly before 9 p.m. Wednesday, city police Sgt. William Gorman said. The boy was in good condition at Mercy Hospital. He was to be charged with illegal possession of a firearm, because he is not old enough to lawfully have a gun, police said. Police were also trying to determine if the gun was stolen. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.c ... pe=bondage
Thanks to Deeli for this picture from her balcony in Richland, WA.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ginger Re: AOL problems ...@aol.com wrote: it says I'm already subscribed but haven't been getting the letter please check into it for me Dear Ginger That's just a routine AOL screw-up. Once your subscription has entered the AOL server, there is nothing more that I can do about it. Once you graduate from AOL, you will never have that problem again. In the meantime, you can contact AOL "support", and ask them to stop stealing your subscription. Have FUN! DearWebby
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While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

Deeli's Kudos September 10, 2007 - Glenview, Illinois - Chicago, Tribune Tom Foust saw the train lights in the distance and knew it was time to stop arguing with the elderly driver, whose white Lexus was stuck on railroad tracks. As his two friends pounded on the car windows, yelling for her to leave the car, Foust, 17, unclipped the seat belt and carried her to safety with seconds to spare. He shielded her body from flying debris as the Lexus was "eviscerated". http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/content/view/2545/29/

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Don't Bag It, Use It Use the grass clippings to help feed your lawn. The clippings will work as slow release fertilizer for your lawn and help encourage growth. If the grass clippings are in clumps, use a rake to spread them out. Clumps of grass will create a thatch problem which will smother the lawn. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When I took my baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time, I dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, I placed her in the shopping cart, put my purchases around her, and headed for the checkout line. A small boy and his mother were ahead of me. The child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, I thought. Then I heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, and, looking in my direction. "You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A man rushed into a jewelry store, told the clerk he needed a pair of diamond earrings for his wedding anniversary, and quickly made his selection. When asked if he wanted them wrapped, he replied, "That would be great, but hurry. My wife thinks I'm taking out the garbage!" .
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Open Source 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Sept 17, 2007

I think it would be a good idea. --- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
Thanks to Amy for this report: A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
Thanks to Dave for this story: Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."

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A convict managed to escape from prison and his escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news. So as not to be captured, he ran through fields and traveled through back roads until he reached his wife's house. When he reached the house, he rang the bell, his wife opened the door and screamed, "You lousy bum! Where have you been? You escaped more than two days ago!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Shawnda K. Hatfield, Muncie, Indiana Faked Cremation September 14, 2007 - Muncie, Indiana - AP Prosecutors are investigating whether a phony obituary was placed in an Indiana newspaper in an attempt to keep a convicted forger out of prison. The obituary reporting the supposed death and cremation of Shawnda K. Hatfield was faxed to Delaware Circuit Court Judge Robert Barnet Jr. But Hatfield, 41, was later found at her home and arrested. Barnet sentenced her Thursday to four years in prison for altering a check drawn on the account of White Feather Farms, where she formerly worked. Hatfield said she had no idea how her obituary ended up in The Star Press. Kathy Whittenburg, an employee in the newspaper's classified advertising department, said the obituary appeared after a caller purporting to be Hatfield's niece phoned The Star Press and later provided a telephone number she said belonged to a Florida crematory. Deputy Prosecutor Joe Orick told Hatfield that if an investigation showed her relatives were involved in the fake obituary, "You can have a family reunion upstairs" -- in jail. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/ ... 1355.shtml
Re the forest fire smoke in yesterday's picture, the fire is in British Columbia, on the other side of the Rockies. Subscriber Ann is at the fire by Big Bear Lake, California. If you are near one of the fires, send me the coordinates, and I'll mark you into the map too.
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ron Re: Eudora not sold any more Dear Webby, I went to the Eudora page and saw that they had quit selling a version. I noticed the latest version was 7.1 a sponsored version. Do you still reccommend this? There is a button that say to stay in sponsored mode you must update, would that be for people with older versions who wish to stay with the program. What is open source Eudora? Thanks Webby, you are still the number one ezine. Ron Dear Ron Yes, it is Open Source (free) now. You can still get the old versions, if you want. The ad sponsored version has a little square ad in the left bottom corner. No big deal. I think they stopped delivering ads anyway. Older versions are at http://eudora.com/techsupport/kb/2350hq.html/ The Beta of the Open Source Eudora 8 is at http://wiki.mozilla.org/Penelope_Releases Have FUN! DearWebby
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A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

Deeli's Kudos September 15, 2007 - Ft. Lauderdale, Florida - Sun Sentinel A Florida man has been besieged with job offers - after he was sacked for saving a woman from an armed robber. Juan Canales, 42, lost his job as a waiter with a Thai restaurant in Fort Lauderdale after his boss got sick of the media attention. But he quickly received new job offers once the twist to the story was reported in the local press, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "I just felt bad for him because here is a guy who does the right thing and he gets fired for it," said Peggy Talerico, of All Atlas Roofing. Robert Garofalo, owner of an electrical repair business, said he, too, wanted to help: "Come on, the guy fired him for being a hero. Ridiculous." Canales was fired after subduing a knife-wielding robber who tried to steal a Honda car from a woman customer. He disarmed the man then, with the help of three other men, managed to hold the robber down until police arrived. Mr. Canales then spent an hour talking to police and the media. He returned to work but when the lunch shift ended, his boss fired him. "The owner got belligerent" about all the attention his scuffle with the carjacker generated, he said. Although he was "devastated," Mr. Canales said, "I would do it again because it was the right thing to do." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2506516.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Prescription Drug Savings When a doctor prescribes you a new medication, be sure to ask if there is a generic version of that drug. Don't assume that your doctor will inform you about generic drug alternatives. The difference in price and your insurance co-pay can be dramatic. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid... until she closed her curtains.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man!" Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play. Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, Who wear their balls in parentheses?" .
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Font Sizes 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Sept 16, 2007

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. -- Sir Francis Bacon Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business." --- Dave Barry
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Father : A banker provided by nature. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

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Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 33 prisoners at Lee County prison, New Mexico Prisoner's temper tantrum September 15, 2007 - Lee County, New Mexico - Ananova Prisoners rioted at a jail in New Mexico after being told they would be allowed only one sausage each at dinner. Inmates of the Lee County Prison started fires, broke toilets and smashed windows, reports the Hobbs News Sun. Officials said the prisoners began yelling and banging on their doors in what they described as a "temper tantrum." Officers from the Lea County Sheriff's and Hobbs Police departments were called in to restore control, and the jail was locked down after the incident. Warden Jann Gartman said 33 prisoners were involved in the disturbance. The remaining 300-plus prisoners at the jail accepted the meal without incident, authorities said. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2508087.html?menu= Might be time to ship them to Arizona and try Sheriff Arpaio's diet for a while.
Smoke coming over the Rockies from some fire in BC
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jay Re: Zoomable fonts Dear Webby! I know you have used zoomable fonts for ages, but my webmaster insists that is not necessary if a computer is set up right. Well, my computer is set up the way I like it, and I can hardly read the pages on my company site. How do you make your fonts so that they can be zoomed? What do you suggest. Jay Dear Jay Some people claim to be webmasters, others ARE, and don't care what title you use for them. Using a word Processor and saving a WORD document as a web page is not the same as creating it with HTML. The same goes for kids using FrontPage. Basic stuff looks OK with it, but it's not quite up to standard and will bite you sooner or later. I would recommend that you get somebody who will do your site the way YOU want it, instead of implying that your computer is not set up right. That page you sent me to is useless. When I see something that is too small to read comfortably, and that can't be zoomed to a decent size, I'm out of there and on my way to a competitor. I have a hunch most people browse that way. Have FUN! DearWebby
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During taxi, the crew of a US Airways departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate lady who had the ground controller's spot at that moment screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at La Guardia was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Deeli's Kudos September 15, 2007 - Wrexham, North Wales, UK - Ananova A Welsh farmer who placed a lonely hearts advert on a milk carton hopes to marry a US woman who answered his plea. Geraint Evans, 28, hadn't had a girlfriend for almost five years because his long days at work often ended at 11pm, reports the North Wales Daily Post. The dairy herdsman was one of a number of North Wales farmers who persuaded a dairy company to put their photographs on cartons with an email address. Interior design student Laura Allison, 21, from Chicago, was holidaying in the UK when she saw Geraint's face on a pint of milk she bought near his Wrexham home. She said: "I'd dropped by a supermarket to pick up some provisions and when I got to the milk racks, all I could see was this handsome guy's face staring out at me. I think I fell in love a little right there and then." But she decided to wait until she returned home before getting in touch. Since then the couple have exchanged hundreds of email messages, phone calls and letters and have visited each other. Geraint said: "I've met the girl of my dreams and I want us to marry as soon as she's finished her course in America. "We get on so well. This is the real thing and the sooner we can get wed the better, as far as I'm concerned. I'd marry Laura tomorrow. "We share the same sense of humour and we're both adventurous. We must be or we'd never have met." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2506815.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning with Borax Add one tablespoon of Borax to 1 quart of water and use it as a safe all-purpose cleaner. Dissolve a 1/2 cup of borax in a sink full of water to clean delicate dishes like fine China. Sweeten musty basement floors by sprinkling around on the concrete, let it sit for a while, then sweep up. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Vince." "Who?" "Vince Sabio. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Vince." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Newell Coach
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Alternatives to Outlook 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Sept 15, 2007

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling. --- Margaret Lee Runbeck
Thanks to Rubye for this story: A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!
Leroy's wife went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce Leroy." "Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...." Leroy's wife interrupts and says "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement.'

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Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?" Leon: "Jim, your honor." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Rohlman, 38 in Philadelphia Trash bag not a good gun case PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- A 38-year-old man is facing charges in Philadelphia after an assault rifle he allegedly stole fell out of the garbage bag in which he was carrying it. Michael Rohlman was arrested for allegedly stealing the assault rifle from a home and unsuccessfully attempting to carry it home in a trash bag, the Philadelphia Daily News reported. Witnesses allege the rifle fell from the bag while Rohlman was walking down a sidewalk Thursday, prompting them to call police. When police arrived, they allegedly found Rohlman attempting to hide the stolen firearm behind a trash bin. Police allege Rohlman stole the rifle and its attached bayonet earlier that day, the Daily New said. Firearms apparently are not good luck for the suspect, who previously was convicted and sentenced to prison time for carrying a firearm without a license.
Thanks to Martin for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sig Re: Alternative to Outlook Dear Webby! In several humour letter issues you mentioned "Outlook". E.g.: "Dear Bonnie I live a very sheltered life. Heroin, Outlook, Outlook Express, Crack and other stuff like that, is not allowed onto the premises." I too have many "fail to respond" problems. What alternative to Outlook do you recomment? Sig Every day I'm looking forward to every issue of you humour letter Dear Sig The best mail program is still Eudora, from http://eudora.com That's what Commerce, Industry and military uses. Eudora is rock solid, and when you have to answer and file 250 or more mails per day, you really appreciate the hot-keys that let you run Eudora without taking your hands off the keyboard for tedious mousing around. However, Eudora definitely is for a high production environment, where cutesy stuff has low priority. It is there, somewhere, if you need it, but it's strength is speed and reliability. Second best is Thunderbird http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/thunderbird/ Thunderbird is less Industrial, but not as silly and mushy as Incredimail. It is not as feature rich as Eudora, but there are hundreds of small add-ins that you can download to get individual features, like for example the Hot-keys. Thunderbird works OK right off the basic installation, and unless you have been spoiled by Eudora or Pegasus, you won't need any of the third party add-ons. The add-ons are free, but need to be downloaded and installed separately. Pegasus is a hard core road warrior tool. It is very compact and when I was a mobile troubleshooter, I used to carry it on a floppy. Like Eudora, it is rock solid, but Pegasus is very basic. Absolutely no cutesy frills. It is definitely a STRICTLY WORK email program. You can get it at http://pmail.com/ To give you an idea of how basic Pegasus is, have a look at their FAQ page: http://pmail.com/faqs/faqs_wq.htm They definitely don't waste your time with unimportant stuff! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. "The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded. "The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing? The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio..."

Deeli's Kudos Garbage in, diamond rings out at rest stop ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- A New York trooper was a real trouper recently, combing through bags of garbage to locate two temporarily misplaced rings. Trooper Leston Sheeley said a frantic Montreal man called and told him his wife's engagement ring and wedding band were in a yellow bag mistakenly tossed in the garbage at the Schroon Lake rest area, The (Plattsburgh, N.Y.) Press Republican reported Tuesday. His wife put them in the bag while washing her hands for dinner. Sheeley, figuring the trash hadn't been picked up, said he and Trooper Gregory Brack booked it the rest stop and began picking through the overflowing garbage bin. Because they were looking for a yellow food bag, "we found the rings pretty quickly," he said. The couple was still awake when Sheeley called them back with the good news. "He was ecstatic," Sheeley said. "And at that point, I was excited to call him back and tell him."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Clothing Bargains September is a great month to find summer clothing on clearance. Keep an eye out for short sleeve shirts, shorts, swim-wear and sandals. You can get next year's summer clothing at clearance prices. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it. The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Two rural church deacons were having a sociable beer in the local tavern, when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside. One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my truck." The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here . . . and he's the only one who counts." The first deacon countered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Shaker Museum
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Weird circles in Outlook 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Sept 14, 2007
Wear something red today, to show your support for the troops!

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking. --- Alfred Korzybski
"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?" "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old." "Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained. "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor. "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
A marketing survey specialist is asking Dan, a southern college kid, some questions about different products he uses. MSS - Which shaving cream do you use? Dan - Baba's MSS - Which aftershave do you use? Dan - Baba's MSS - Which deodorant do you use? Dan - Baba's MSS - Which toothpaste do you use? Dan - Baba's MSS - Okay, tell me, what is this 'Baba'? Is it an international company? Dan - Heck no. He's my room-mate.

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An elderly couple was having trouble remembering things, so they signed up for a memory course. The course was wonderful. They came home and told all their relatives, friends and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approached the old man as he was tending the garden and said, "Hey, Ed, what was the name of that memory course you liked so much?" Ed said, "Well, it was . . . hmmm . . . let me think a minute . . . What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems?" The neighbor said, "You mean a rose?" And Ed said, "Yeah, that's it!" Then turned toward the house and shouted, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that memory course?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Roger Golden, New York Dumbest place to stash dope Smuggler learns not to stow pot near DEA NEW YORK (UPI) -- A known New York drug smuggler faces possession charges for allegedly stowing 35 pounds of marijuana in a locker near the Drug Enforcement Agency. The storage locker where Roger Golden stashed his stash was in a self-storage facility with two entrances -- one conveniently in the lobby of the DEA building, the New York Post reported Monday. Drug agents walking to the office passed the self-storage business caught a whiff, said John Gilbride, head of the office. They brought in a drug-sniffing dog, which plunked down in front of Golden's locker. "Here's a guy that has been known to drug law enforcement for 30 years and he picks, of all places, to store his marijuana in a storage facility connected to the New York office of the DEA," said John Gilbride, head of the office.

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bonnie in NH Re: Circles in Outlook and WORD Dear Webby hope you can help with my current problem. Just recently as in the excerpt below from a “sent” email, and in replies back to me, these little circles started to appear. They annoy me like crazy and are also turning up in my Word documents even if they’re not in email text, i.e., if someone sends me a quote or story I want to save in Word, voila! there they are in a new document I copy & paste into. Any ideas on how I can stop them? No clue why they began. Thank you bunches as always, even if you don’t have a solution. Bonnie in NH Dear Bonnie I live a very sheltered life. Heroin, Outlook, Outlook Express, Crack and other stuff like that, is not allowed onto the premises. I really don't have a clue about what those things do to you, or how to cope with them. By the way, the excerpt you had there, did not produce any dopey circles in Eudora. Try writing to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com. Even though she doesn't use that stuff, she keeps up-to-date on it so that she can answer questions on her blog. Put her into your friends list, so that you don't accidentally slap her reply back into her face. That really annoys her. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"

Deeli's Kudos Gators gaze at passers-by from pond HAMPTON ROADS, Va. (UPI) -- Two alligators found in a pond inside a Virginia community probably aren't dangerous to humans, but officials are setting up traps -- just in case. Police and animal control personnel in Hampton Roads say they aren't quite sure how the 3-foot reptiles got into the pond, The Virginian-Pilot in Hampton Roads reported. "It's hard to say," said police spokeswoman Rene Ball said, adding that residents in the area should be careful. ------------ Personally, I would be a lot more concerned with lightning fast three footers than slow and lazy 20 footers. I got within a few feet of this one and it made no hostile move.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Quick Homemade Waffles I have an eight year old and we're always rushed in the mornings, so I make up a batch of waffles ahead of time and freeze them in individual serving sizes. Then you take them out of the freezer and put them in the toaster and they come out awesome! Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me out? I'd like you to give a few of your loudest screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "There are too many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Edible Mushrooms
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version div style="background-color: #FFFFBB;"> Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter





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Dear Webby: Refill 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Sept 13, 2007

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. --- Stephen Leacock Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. --- Laurence J. Peter
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store!" "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of prunes?" The clerk replied, "Dried or canned?"
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 10-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, "Dad, why are we here?" And this is what I said. "I've thought a lot about it, son, and I don't think it's all that complicated. I think maybe we're here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands." "We're here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. We're here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole." "We're here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and it's fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing he'd gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldn't get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go." "We're here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be." "We're here to rake on a jack-high nothin' hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us." "We're here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning." "We're here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. We're here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. We're here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying." "I don't think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. We're here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. We're here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesn't." "We're here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltender's neck into a Windsor knot. We're here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. We're here to witness Tiger's lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it." "We're here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: 'Highway's closed. Too much snow.'" "We're here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake." "I don't think we're here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphy's with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermont's backroads." "We're here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday." "None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, 'Dang, I wish I'd spent more time on the Hibbings account.' We're going to say, 'That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!" "See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. We're not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?" And he said, "Not really, Dad." And I said, "No?" And he said, "No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Dave Warwak, 44, Fox River, Ill Yesterdays Kudo was for Superintendent Jacqueline Krause who told the boneheaded bigot to get lost. Vegan teacher suspended A vegan middle school teacher says he's not going back to class until the school stops serving milk and meat. He doesn't really have any choice about that, since he has been told to leave the school. Dave Warwak has been a teacher at Fox River Grove Middle School for eight years. The 44-year-old became a vegan in January and believes the school is "feeding poison" to students. He also believes the school's posters featuring milk are wrong. Warwak says he won't return until the posters are removed. He's looked into filing child-endangerment charges because he claims it's wrong to promote animal products as part of healthy diet. Warwak says he was asked to leave the school last week because he talked about animal-cruelty issues like milking innocent cows.
Why men die before women
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sarah Re: Refilling ink cartridges Dear Webby I thought I was getting a good deal when I bought a cheap printer for $39, but now I am stuck with having to buy $59 cartridges or lose the warranty. Can they tell if I refill the cartridges, and how difficult is it to refill them? Thanks Sarah Dear Sarah Get real! Who cares about the warranty on a disposable $39 printer? It will die a few days after the warranty is up anyway, and nobody will even diagnose the problems for less than $50. If it dies during the warranty period, they will replace it, but usually nobody will even look at an old $39 printer. Refilling is easy if you have a proper refill kit like the ones sold by Atlantic inkjet .com. Any kid can do it. The kit comes with everything you need and easy to follow, illustrated instructions. We have used kits from Atlantic inkjet .com and their bulk bottles of ink for at least seven years and never had a problem. Have FUN! DearWebby

A college senior took his new girlfriend to the Super Bowl. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept....!"

Deeli's Kudos Mugger picks on blind judo champ A German mugger who picked on a blind man had a shock when his 'victim' turned out to be a world judo champ. Michael Esser, 33, a world champion last year in martial arts for the visually impaired, ended up pummelling his 17-year-old attacker into submission. Mr Esser had just bought a packet of cigarettes outside the railway station in Marburg when the skinheaded, jobless attacker demanded them. "Give me those, Stevie," he said in what police said was a reference to blind singer Stevie Wonder. He lunged for the cigarettes and hit the man in the face. The blind man then seized his arm, shoved it behind his back and kneed him in the back of his legs. Then he twisted him around and flung him face-first on to the pavement, pinning him to the ground with his body. "The blind Judoka used some expert moves to wrestle the robber to the ground and pinned him down while he shouted for help," Marburg police said in a statement. The champion had to be treated for a bloody nose following the incident but he said: "I may be blind but I am fit. I hope he thinks twice before he picks on blind people again." "I didn't bother to go to the hospital because I was off to meet some mates to listen to a football match. At least I still had my smokes to enjoy!"

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Trace Your Child's Feet So that I don't miss out on kids' shoe sales when I am out shopping without my daughter, I periodically trace her feet on a piece of paper, cut it out and tuck it in my purse. Then if I see shoes on sale I just measure up the soles. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During her annual checkup, a well-built lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "That's all right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You get undressed and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness, "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" "Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of mine!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: The cars we drove
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Dear Webby: Media Player to DVD 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Sept 12, 2007

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. --- Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
A hillbilly dragged his protesting son to a new school which had just opened in a nearby village . When they arrived, he took his son to see the teacher. "Howdy," said the hillbilly. "This here's my son, Arthur. Now what kind of learnin' are you teachin'?" "Oh, all the usual subjects," said the teacher, nodding at the boy. "Reading, writing, arithmetic." "What's this ?" interrupted the father. "Arith....arith... what did you say?" "'Arithmetic, Sir," said the teacher, "instruction in geometry, algebra and trigonometry." "Trigonometry!" cried the delighted hillbilly. "That's what my boy needs. He's the worst darn shot in the family."
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex." "Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

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Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?" Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear." Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!" Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD AND a Darwin Award goes to Edie Bolanos, 32, of Hammond, Indiana Mother dies after 2 kids killed in mini-van, train collision Video caught woman trying to race a freight train at a Hammond railroad crossing 5:22 AM CDT, September 11, 2007 A mother caught on video more than a week ago trying to race a freight train with her mini-van in northwest Indiana, before two of her children were killed and two of them injured, when their vehicle was hit by TWO trains, died of her injuries early today. Edie Bolanos, 32, of Hammond was pronounced dead at 2:10 a.m. at Loyola University Medical Center in Maywood, where she had been in critical condition since the Sept. 1 crash in Hammond, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office. Her death comes after two of her children, Crystal Bolanos, 11, and Anahi Bolanos, 8, were killed outside the Northern Indiana Commuter Transportation District's Hammond station. Her two other children were treated for their injuries at the University of Chicago Comer Children's Hospital and released. The footage, which was captured by several cameras, showed a 1999 Mercury Villager moving at a high rate of speed through the station's parking lot alongside an eastbound freight train. The video showed the Villager turning south onto the Johnson Avenue crossing before it was struck by a westbound train, then by the eastbound train that she had been racing. The crash took place on the CSX rail line, not far from the South Shore Line station. Edie Bolanos worked on the assembly line at a window company. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/loca ... ;cset=true
Thanks to Scorpio_9FromGa for sending these pictures:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Burn movies from mediaPlayer to DVD Dear Webby Can I use Windows Media Player to burn DVDs? Ann Dear Ann Unfortunately, no. At this time, according to Microsoft, Windows Media Player can only be used to burn CDs and copy files to portable devices. If you have a DVD burner, and you want to burn DVDs, you must use the software that came with the DVD burner. Have FUN! DearWebby
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One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too."

Deeli's Kudos Vegan teacher suspended A vegan middle school teacher says he's not going back to class until the school stops serving milk and meat. He doesn't really have any choice about that, since he has been told to leave the school. Dave Warwak has been a teacher at Fox River Grove Middle School for eight years. The 44-year-old became a vegan in January and believes the school is "feeding poison" to students. He also believes the school's posters featuring milk are wrong. Warwak says he won't return until the posters are removed. He's looked into filing child-endangerment charges because he claims it's wrong to promote animal products as part of healthy diet. Warwak says he was asked to leave the school last week because he talked about animal-cruelty issues like milking innocent cows.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buying Books Discount bookstores and used books stores usually sell books for half off cover price and online retailers can be even cheaper. The cheapest place to find books, by far, is garage sales and rummage sales. Books are usually only .25 to .50. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A truck driver brought before the judge for an assault charge. The Judge asked the man why he beat the victim up so bad and the truck driver answered: "Well sir Judge that man called me a stupid son-of-a-bitch." The judge replied, "Well you didn't need to beat him up that bad". The truck driver answered "I know that Judge, but what would you do if he called you a stupid son-of-a bitch". The Judge answered: "But I'm not a stupid son-of-a-bitch" The truck driver answered: "I know that judge, but what would you do if he called you the kind of a son-of-a-bitch, you are".

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
CONGRESS EMBRACES INTERNET TECHNOLOGY IN CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets." In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator still need to log on to Ebay, but need to be aware that Senators don't stay bought.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 25 Young Gallery
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Dear Webby: Two versions of PSP on one computer 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Sept 11, 2007

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. --- Benjamin Disraeli
Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "Don't kill! Stop and count to 10" moments than all the others together.. Once, after he fell, or jumped, into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

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A woman took a package to the post office in Los Angeles and was told it would cost $5.40 for fast delivery or $2.30 for slower service. "There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime." He glanced at her, and tilted his head while he thought it over, and then said, "That will be $2.40, please." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Officials at Nepal Airlines Corp. Goats sacrificed for smooth flying KATHMANDU, Nepal (UPI) -- Officials at Nepal Airlines Corp., plagued by recurring technical problems, say they sacrificed two goats to appease the gods. The sacrifice was made in front of an NAC aircraft at the airline's hangar at the Tribhuvan International Airport in Kathmandu, with airline executives in attendance, ekantipur.com reported. The airline's top management was consulted before the worship and goat blood was offered to the deity, an NAC official said. The idea to offer a sacrifice came to an airline engineer who said he dreamed that a deity was angry because the corporation had not appeased him by sacrificing goats, the news agency said.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ginny Re: Paint Shop Pro Dear Webby On my new computer I got Paint Shop Pro version 11 included. It works OK, but I found it to be very klutzy compared to version 7A on my old computer. What little quality improvements there might theoretically be in the new version, though I have not noticed any, are more than wiped out by the weird way of doing stuff. To me, it seems, all they did was make the user interface klutzy and slow everything down. My new computer is four times faster than my old one, but PSP 11 is four times slower on the new computer than version 7 is on the old one! Can I run both versions on the new computer? Ginny Dear Ginny Yes, Version 7 was still made by JASC, from before they got taken over by Corel. It runs just fine on a machine that has Corel PSP on it. They don't interfere and they don't interact. Just install it and make it the default program for jpg and gif and any graphics you work on. By the way, I feel the same way about version 11 and don't use it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Deeli's Kudos Man gave dog kiss-of-life A prison officer saved his dying sniffer dog by giving him the kiss of life. Handler Steve Tugwell, 42, leapt into action when he saw Welsh springer spaniel Frodo lying unconscious, reports The Sun. Frodo had been play-fighting with fellow sniffer dog Patch when Patch's jaws got entangled in Frodo's collar and choked him. Frodo appeared lifeless when Steve hacked off the collar with a knife. Steve, who works at Long Lartin prison in Worcester, said: "He looked a goner. I pulled the tongue to one side, made a cone with my hands, and used the little finger of one of them to place across Frodo's nostrils. "I blew three times down the cone and to my amazement I saw Frodo's rib cage started to move." "It wasn't pleasant - Frodo's mouth was horribly smelly - but it saved his life and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again." The two-year-old was rushed to a vet, made a full recovery and was back on duty two weeks later.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Removing Wallpaper An easy way to strip wallpaper is to score it first, and then using a spritzer bottle filled with fabric softener, spray the wall. After removing as much vinyl or paper as possible, re-spray and the layer of glue/adhesive will strip right off. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

This man walked into a Fifth Avenue bank and said to the guard, "Pardon me. I'd like to talk with the fella that arranges loans. The guard replied, "I'm sorry but the loan arranger is out to lunch." "In that case," the man said, "I'd like to talk to Tonto!"

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: 25 weirdest animals
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Dear Webby:Outlook Express Stationery 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Sept 10, 2007

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. --- Rita Rudner "ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and elections." --- Argus Hamilton
An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down...."
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on a hot day and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want to go in and get a drink but have no money. But the priest comes up with an idea that he thinks might work, so he goes in alone, telling to others that if his idea works they can all get free drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's finished with it, the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!" The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened, so the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then informs the bartender that he already had paid when the bartender asks him for the money. Again the bartender apologizes. Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." "I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this to." "I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,... Just give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way...!"

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A loaded minivan pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leapt from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Percy Honniball, 51, of Oakland, California Sent in by Ross Nothing worth protecting A carpenter caught hammering nails and sawing wood in the nude has been found by a judge to be not guilty of indecent exposure. Alameda County Superior Court Judge Julie Conger ruled Thursday that although Percy Honniball of Oakland was naked, he was not acting lewdly or seeking sexual gratification. Honniball, 51, was arrested last year after he was spotted building cabinets in the buff at a home where he had been hired to work. The carpenter has said he likes to work in the nude because it's more comfortable and it helps him keep his clothes clean. Honniball earned two years' probation in 2003 after being caught three times working naked in Berkeley, which prohibits public nudity. Oakland does not have a similar ban. --------------------- The reason most carpenters wear protective clothing, is because they got something worth protecting.
Thanks to kati for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Cyndi Re: Outlook Depressed stationery Dear Webby, I have Outlook Express 6 and Windows XP. When I download and try to use EML stationeries, and click to use one, the to: and subject lines do not appear to use the stationery. I know it is not an Microsoft Update, because I really watch the ones that I update. Could it be in my Outlook Express settings somewhere. This happened once before and I knew how to fix it, seemed like it was very simple. I hope you can help me. Cyndi Dear Cyndi As I have mentioned many times before, I do not allow Outlook Depressed within 10 feet of any Webby computer, and I don't know how to fix Outlook Depressed problems. For help with Outlook Depressed problems you have to write to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com. If you are blocking her reply, check her blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog Your question and her reply will show up there too. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The following was overheard at a recent high society party... "My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?" "I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."

Deeli's Kudos Foiled burglar loses clothes in tussle The Associated Press | Sunday, Sep 9 2007 2:01 PM Last Updated: Sunday, Sep 9 2007 2:06 PM A man who allegedly tried to burglarize a home lost his clothes in a scuffle with the 69-year-old homeowner and then tried to streak away before he was arrested. Wayne and Kathie Boniface returned home from dinner Thursday night at a neighbor's to find the man in their house. Wayne Boniface said the man made the mistake of grabbing his wife. "As soon as he grabbed my wife, I had him in the kitchen wrestling him to the ground in a headlock and arm-lock," Boniface said. First, Boniface said, he ripped the man's shirt off. Then, "his head was down over the railing, and in today's world, pants are worn fairly loose. I pulled his pants, and his pants and underpants and shoes came completely off. He was completely nude." When police asked Boniface if he could identify the suspect, he said: "Oh, yeah. I believe he's the only guy running nude in Duluth." The 20-year-old man was apprehended about 20 minutes later. He has been charged with two counts of first-degree burglary. The man's name was not released.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Socks Together Attach pairs of socks with a safety pin before putting them in the washer. Even better, pin them together when you take them off and toss them in the dirty clothes hamper. The best safety pins are diaper safety pins which are less likely to damage other clothing. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Statistician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." The Statistician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband than she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.

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Dear Webby: Convert French XP to English 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Sept 9, 2007

There are two types of people-- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.' --- Frederick L Collins Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. --- Benjamin Franklin A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --- Milton Berle
A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
During a Law school lecture, the 'Audi alteramparten' rule was explained. Translated it means, "To hear the other party". After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. A man in the back of the class said, "Yes, my wife."

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One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!"and proceeded to send his friend to jail. About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured himand took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way. As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had takenhis thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this..." "No," his friend replied, "this is good!!" "What do you mean, 'This is good!'?? How could it be goodthat I sent my friend to jail for a year?!" "If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you, hunting...!" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to University of Colorado DNA reearchers Conservationists save wrong fish Efforts to save a rare fish suffered a setback when scientists realised they'd been restocking rivers and lakes with the wrong species. Researchers at the University of Colorado have been trying to restore the cutthroat trout, Colorado's official state fish, to its native habitat since the early 1970s. They described the blow to the expensive, decades-long effort as a "setback", reports the Rocky Mountain News. "This was a very surprising result," said Jessica Metcalf, a researcher at CU who led the study. "It's not at all what we expected." The greenback cutthroat, named for the brilliant crimson slashes behind its jaw, was named Colorado's state fish in 1994. It had been declared endangered in 1973 when the scheme was launched to restore the species using sperm and eggs from what were believed to be nine relic populations. However, using DNA analysis, researchers recently found that five of those nine relic populations weren't greenback cutthroats at all, but Colorado River cutthroats. Bruce Rosenlund of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, played down the discovery and said only DNA technology could tell the difference between the two species. "Our feeling for a long time has been that they were very, very closely related and indistinguishable... other than the fact that one's on the east side of the Continental Divide and one's on the west side," he said. -------------------------------- It's the same species, ya dummies! Even the same family, just a localized ADAPTATION. When a branch of a family, that moved from Alaska to Florida, shows up at the family re-union with darker skin, that does not make them a different species, or different family!

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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: XP French to English Dear Webby How does one change Windows XP from a French set-up to an English one? Dianne Dear Dianne If you have a legitimate XP set-up CD, you can contact Microsoft and ask to trade it for an English one. Sometimes you can change the keyboard and browser skin from English to French, but if you have the European French version, then apparently you are stuck. If you are in a hurry, visit some garage sales. There are bound to be aome old klunkers for sale in your neighborhood, that have legitimate XP set-up CDs, just burned out hard drives or motherboards, or too slow speed. Use the CD, and turn the klunker into a planter or barbecue. For slightly more money you can buy an English XP at any on-line computer store. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too"

Deeli's Kudos Flashy B&B set to open A lighthouse is set to be turned into a bed and breakfast. Belle Tout lighthouse at Beachy Head, East Sussex, has already been made into a six-bedroom home after it was sold by the council for just £900 six years ago, reports the Daily Mirror. Now the Belle Tout Lighthouse Preservation Fund wants to raise £850,000 to buy the 175-year-old landmark from owner Louise Roberts after getting planning permission for a B&B. The lighthouse was moved 60ft inland in 1999 to stop it falling into the sea due to coastal erosion.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com How Many Meals When buying meat, calculate how many meals you think you can get out of the package and divide that by how much it costs. Try to get as many meals out of each meat purchase as possible. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant. A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is charcoal intolerant."

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Museum of Dirt
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Dear Webby: Computer vision fatigue 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Sept 8, 2007

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule. --- Stephen King "The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." --- Mark Caine
Thanks to Sandie for this story: A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!
From Doc A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work. A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens." Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."

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An American is taking a train from London to Manchester. During the trip he starts complaining about the British to the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy," the American says. "You think your stiff upper lips set you above the rest of us. Look at me: I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" Says the Englishman dryly, "Very sporting of your mother." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marius Varzar, 23, from Botosani, Romania Man confesses to murder to get lift home A Romanian man confessed to a murder he did not commit because he wanted a lift home. Marius Varzar, 23, from Botosani, had run out of money and wanted to be taken home by police. He told a police patrol in a village 100 miles from his home that he killed one of his friends and wanted to give himself up. Varzar was arrested and taken to Botosani by a police van where officers were investigating the case of a man found dead in the street. But he was charged and fined after later forensic evidence r evealed the victim was not killed and died from natural causes. The alleged murderer admitted he was only looking for a free ride home. Local police spokesman Florin Gavrilet said: "After interrogating the suspect it turned out he drank all his money and wanted to return home, so he invented this crime." Police did not say how much the man was fined but said the amount was established also to cover for the transportation expenses.
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucy Re: Eye strain Dear Webby I am working on a large but very important project, but lately after half a day or so, my eyes get tired and sandy. When that happens, I can't concentrate and all I want to do is go for a nap. Is there a solution for that? Lucy Dear Lucy First check the air currents in the room. If necessary, get a smoker to assist you. Especially in a darkened room a flashlight and some smoke will quickly tell you if air from anywhere is bouncing off the monitor or keyboard into your face and drying your eyes. If it is, deflect the air somehwre else. Secondly, raise the monitor or lower the chair so that you sit in the sexy positioning like the typists before the computer age, chest out, back and neck straight, head slightly raised so that a ruler placed under your chin and pointing forward, points slightly upward, not level or down. Your neck and head circulation will improve instantly, and your eyes will feel a lot better. As a fringe benefit, especially if you combine that body posture with a silly grin about it, works as an anti-depressant and mood optimizer. Have FUN! DearWebby
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"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up," said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own phone bill."

Deeli's Kudos Sent in by Dar The Ontario government has unveiled "Highway of Heroes" signs along a stretch of Highway 401, formally dedicating the route to Canada's fallen soldiers. The 172-kilometre stretch, officially designated as the MacDonald-Cartier Freeway, extends from Toronto to Trenton. It is the route taken to transport the bodies of fallen soldiers to the coroner's office in Toronto once they return to Canada. Large crowds -- including veterans and emergency service personnel -- have routinely gathered on the highway's overpasses to wave flags in support of the troops. Premier Dalton McGuinty said Friday that the signs will serve as a commemoration of the bravery and sacrifice of Canadian soldiers. "The road that links Ontario and Quebec is named in honour of the two leaders who gave life to our young nation more than 140 years ago," said McGuinty. "It is enormously fitting, then, that we dedicate a portion of this very road in honour of those who gave their lives for our nation."

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stocking Staples and Cooking From Scratch The key to cooking from scratch is making sure that you have staples on hand. Potatoes are cheap, can be stored for a long time and can be used in a variety of dishes. Other staples to keep on hand are rice, beans, cooking oil and flour. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
A woman passed out and her husband,Bubba, called 911. The operator said they would send someone out right away and asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally, Bubba said, "How about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?"

Thanks to Sandie for today's Bonus Link: Topiary Galleries
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Dear Webby: Outlook Express problems 


Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Sept 7, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does. --- Bill Nye There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. --- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Thanks to Sandie for this story: Woman comes home and tells her husband: "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies: "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." Well, that is wonderful" Said the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she Sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Can you find the names of 16 books from the Bible in the paragraph below without the aid of your bible? (One minister found 15 of the books in 20 minutes, but it took him weeks to find the last one.) I once made the remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts... and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph.

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Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'" Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Eric Kyff, 39, and Lauren Allen, 27, of Culpepper, VA Drunk Riders July 23, 2007 - Culpepper, Virginia - AP It was like a scene out of an old Western, with lawmen in hot pursuit of outlaws on horseback. Only this time the pursuers were in police cruisers, and the chase was through a modern suburban neighborhood. Officers got their man - and their woman - when the fleeing riders fell off their mounts. It all started about 10:30 p.m. Saturday when several people confronted a man they claimed was urinating against the side of a Culpeper convenience store, according to town police Sgt. Scott Jenkins. They asked the man to stop because children were present, Jenkins said. Witnesses told police the man cursed those who complained, went into the store, then came out and mounted his horse and charged toward the group. One man retreated behind a propane tank, Jenkins said. When Officer Jeff Dodson arrived, witnesses told him the man and a woman had departed on horseback. When Dodson found them on a subdivision street, the riders fled through a backyard, Jenkins said. But they didn't get far. The man apparently didn't see a utility pole guy wire in the dark. He rode into the wire, which knocked him to the ground. The woman also fell off her horse. Eric Kyff, 39, and Lauren Allen, 27, were charged with riding a horse on a highway after dark without proper reflective material, being drunk in public and obstruction of justice. Kyff also was charged with attempted unlawful wounding. Kyff was held on a $2,500 bond while Allen was released. It wasn't the riders' first clash with the law. At about midnight May 24, Kyff and Allen - again on horseback - were arrested on public drunkeness and railroad track trespassing charges. Allen paid a $25 fine and Kyff a $100 fine, according to court documents. http://apnews1.iwon.com/article/20070724/D8QIMI400.html
Thanks to Trish for sending this picture: Sammi the Labrador and Duncan the Galah on the couch, the photo is not 'engineered' in any way this is what happens every night here. Trish
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ann Re: Outlook Express Problems Hi Webby: I am hoping you get this e mail, this is the third try. Can you tell me how to repair outlook express???? Most of my e mails do not reach their destination, and I don't receive most of the ones sent to me I love your newsletter!!!! Ann S Dear Ann Because I don't want the problems that you have, I don't allow Outlook or Outlook Express within ten feet of any Webby machine. You will have to read the answer that the Express Empress posted in the blog on Aug 28, in response to your earlier mail. Just go to http://fire-cat.com/blog/ and scroll down until you see your name. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

Deeli's Kudos August 12, 2007 - Athens, Greece - AFP A middle-aged Greek shepherd unable to walk over long distances now drives to work after training his flock of sheep to follow his car, state television Net reported on Sunday. George Zokos from Tyrnavos in central Greece devised the system after his health deteriorated, and has been 'driving' his sheep to pasture for the past three years, the station said. Zokos' neighbours have dubbed him "the euro-shepherd" for his advanced sheep-herding method. "We would sometimes hear honking, or the car door slamming, and then we realised that it was George training his sheep," a neighbour told the station. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/070812/o ... nimal_farm

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com September Home and Garden Bargains September is a great month to get items for your home and garden at clearance prices. Keep an eye out for seeds, plants, planters, deck stain, outdoor grills and garden tools. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. "Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?" "Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she still hasn't found one yet. Here is one from Glenn A little something for your "Stormy" section. I had a Siamese tomcat and a miniture Dachsund. I built the dog a doghouse with plexiglass, lined the floor and walls with carpet, installed a heat lamp and a thermostat to keep the dog warm without cooking it, because the winters were quite cold. The cat had been quite snobbish with the dog until it saw the doghouse, then it became quite friendly! When it finally did turn cold, it was not unusual to see the cat and dog curled up together in the toasty warm doghouse. It was easy to see in, since the roof was plexiglass, and the U-turn hallway inside the doghouse kept out the cold wind. The roof was hinged so I could put food and water into the doghouse to keep the water from freezing. (Oh, my wife didn't let the dog in the house, so he needed a warm house of his own.) Some years later, we moved, and the cat made friends with the neighbor's bulldog, which was in a privacy-fenced back yard. When the neighborhood tomcats wanted to establish their dominance, the cat ran - straight over the privacy fence and into the neighbor's back yard, the aggresive tom or toms hot on his tail. Funny, one loud bark from that bulldog, and the aggressive tom would come out of that yard even faster than he went into it! Hope you like the story. Glenn

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better,....."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Pencil Sculptures
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Dear Webby: How to export Favorites 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Sept 6, 2007

My goal is to become the person my dog thinks I am. --- Socratex
Thanks to Sandie for this: When I went to the doctor for my yearly physical, my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said that eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said, "Just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors of greens, yellows, reds, etc." So, I went right home and emptied an entire bag of M&Ms onto a plate, ate them and sure enough, I felt better!
The reporter met the plane that brought back soldiers from their year in Iraq. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?" The soldier immediately replied, "Spend an hour in bed with my wife." The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, and what will you do after that ?" "Take off these stupid combat boots!"

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A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, "Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?" "The glaciers brought them down," said the guide. "But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked. "The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a gang of Romanian burglars in Italy Burglars stole candy from baby A sweet-toothed gang of Romanian burglars was caught after stealing candy from a baby. They grabbed a handful of lollipops during a house raid in Italy and dumped them half-eaten nearby. But police found and tested the lollipops and managed to match up vital DNA evidence contained in saliva. Police in Alessandria identified the seven-man gang which were behind 78 robberies in the area in the last three months. The lollies had been bought by their victims for their sweet toothed toddler, and were discarded after being half-eaten. A police spokesman said: "Officers found the lollipops just a few yards away from the house they robbed."
Thanks to Doug for sending this picture by his friend Arnie: Bull Elk swimming across Powell Lake
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Olga Re: How do I "export" favorites Dear Webby How do I "export" favorites from MSIE? Olga Dear Olga Open the browser, hold down ALT and hit F I N E Enter, Enter, Enter. Just remember ALT Fine Have FUN! DearWebby
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A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl. When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. "Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."

Deeli's Kudos August 12, 2007 - Glenville, New York - AP An 83-year-old New York skydiver, who's been jumping out of airplanes for less than ten years, has reached the 100 jump mark. Leo Dean of Albany now has his sights set on 200 jumps. Dean took up skydiving after he was widowed in 1998. He says he wondered if he had "the nerve to step out the door" and was pleased to find out he did. Dean is a veteran of the Second World War and still works as vice president of a financial services company. He made his 100th skydive Saturday and says he won't give it up till he has to. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... d_skydiver

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save All The Receipts Save all the receipts from back to school shopping so you can return items that turn out to not be needed. Also, your child may decide they want to wear a different style clothes after school starts, keep tags and receipts so unwanted (and unused) items can be returned. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she still hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog story of my own. One time a summer storm got a bit carried away and tree branches and pine cones and squirrels and pieces of bark and who knows what were flying along horizontally. Luckily my workshop was sheltered bythe garage on the windy side and all the windows were on the safe sides. I watched how the dogs were coping with it. Most were lying down in their favorite naptime configurations, except Dora. She stood there, facing the wind, snapping at pine cones and whatever flew by. Then she actually caught a squirrel! Either she or the squirrel must have made a certain noise, because instantly all the other dogs were on their feet and playing the same game, catching wind-blown stuff, and having a great time. It only lasted about a few minutes, then the wind slowed down. The dogs all turned to look down to the workshop and giving short barks, as if they were trying to coax me to turn the wind on again. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Popcorn Recipes
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Organize favorites 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Sept 5, 2007

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. --- Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. --- Dick Cavett
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"
Joe was sitting at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender said, "You look awful, pal. What's your problem." Joe stared into his drink and said, "I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up the animal cages. Well, it's not the most wonderful smell in the world and because of it people avoid me. It's not fair!" "I see what you mean," the bartender sniffed. "But I've got an idea. There are openings down at the factory. They are regular hours and it probably pays better than the circus. Why don't you apply?" "What!" asked Joe, a bit offended, "And leave show business?"

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen ... " "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'...." Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kyle Garchar, 17, of Hillard, Ohio H.S. student pulls prank on football rival HILLIARD, Ohio (UPI) -- An Ohio high school senior suspended for playing an elaborate prank on a rival school's football fans says he copied a stunt done at Yale University. At Friday night's game between Darby and Davidson high schools in Hilliard, Darby fans held up squares of black or white construction paper, thinking they were spelling out "Go Darby." The actual message was "We suck." Kyle Garchar, 17, a Davidson senior, received an in-school suspension and was banned from school activities for a semester for orchestrating the prank. He told The Columbus Dispatch he was trying to think of a memorable senior prank and a friend suggested a trick Yale had once pulled on Harvard. "I saw it could be done, so I just wanted to see if I could do it," Garchar said. He spent about 20 "tedious" hours figuring out how to get the desired result. Darby won the game 21-10. For many Davidson fans, the prank was the best part of the game. "It's going to be legendary," said Andrew Eusebio, a recent Davidson grad. "No one is going to forget about it."
Thanks to my dad for sending this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Olga Re: Alternative to Favorites Dear Webby Is there a way to tag your favorites (bookmarks) so that the regularly used ones stay on top and don't get shuffled in with new ones? Thanks Olga Dear Olga There are various programs that try to do that, but so far I have not found one that is good enough to recommend. You can EXPORT the pookmarks to an HTML page, just like you do when you back them up. That HTML page is just like a web page menu and you can move entries up and down according to your priorities, and insert new ones wherever you want. You don't need any special editor or skills for that. Any text editor like NotePad or NoteMaid will do fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two poets, who had been bitter rivals, met each other on a street corner. Naturally the old rivalry resumed itself. "You know, " said the first poet, "since we last met, my readership has increased!" "Oh congratulations!" the second poet replied. "I didn't know you got married!"

Deeli's Kudos Couples join the 'Love Revolution' NEARLY 7,000 couples smooched on Saturday in the Bosnian town of Tuzla in an attempt to break the world simultaneous kissing record. Organisers of the "Love Revolution" hope to win the title from Hungary, where 6,400 couples set the record in June.

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Work Bench Yard Stick Nail or glue a yard stick to the front of your workbench for quick measurements. It comes in handy when you need to make a lot of small measurements. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she still hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog story of my own. One time a visitor asked if there was a trail from my house up the mountain behind the little lake, where my house was. I told her, sure, just animal trails trampled out a bit by me and my dogs. Since I was fairly busy, I told her she could take a dog along to guide her. Well, she had seen a picture of me running up a mountain being towed by a dog, and wanted to try the same. Since she was a tad overweight, she figured she would need a very strong dog, so she picked Dora, a very muscular and low to the ground heavy puller. I offered her my running belt, which was basically just an oversize web belt with 5" clips to clip into my jeans belt hoops, so that it hung 5 inches below the regular belt. She declined and insisted on clipping Dora's chain to her belt buckle. Three minutes later she was back with a bloody nose and her front decorated with bits of moss and pine needles. Dora had wanted to go faster than she could run on rough terrain, causing her to lose her balance and do a nose dive, just like most beginners. Now she accepted the low belt, and I told her to lean back just like on a T-Bar ski lift. And I offered her a light-weight moto-cross helmet with steel face guard. No, she wanted her head free and her har blow in the wind. Five minutes later she was back with most of her make-up scratched off her face by branches along the trail. She had been flailing with her arms to keep her balance instead of guarding against low tree branches or high bushes. This time she accepted the helmet and also a less powerful tow dog. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Thanks to Vickey for this GROANER: A MECHANIC AND HIS DOG A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and sang out loudly, proclaiming... (Are you ready for this?) "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Whiskers
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: AOL Address Book 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Sept 4, 2007

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. --- G. K. Chesterton
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" the teacher said. "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent, and doesn't smell at all." So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come back in a week. So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!" The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"' Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the driver of a new Dodge Pick-up in Vernon, BC Sent in by JRC Too drunk to notice a light pole? This happened in Vernon, B.C. How can you not notice that you are carrying a light post?!! This driver hit the left turn island traffic light at 48th Avenue and 27th Street sheering it off at the base and then kept driving on about 2 kms. to Squires Four Pub. It is not sure if he stopped because the truck dumped all its oil or if the cops pulled him over but you would hope it was not for more beer.The truck was then towed to Vernon Towing's yard about 2.5 kms. with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and bumper. It took several hard pulls with the backhoe to get the light free. Picture below.
Thanks to JRC for this picture:
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Evi Re: Still Not getting subscription Okay- I went online to your letter, and did read it; so obviously the problem is AOL....but I can't find the "white-list" you talk about in AOL to add your name to it..................... I have searched everything I can find in AOL-- and it just keeps taking me to different sites I can add "My" name to to request a white list for mail I'm sending............................. do you know how I "find" and access this "white list" for incoming mail to add you? I have added dear webby to my favorite places, and my address book hoping that will help.... but I can't find the white-list you speak of in AOL to add you to that. Evie Dear Evi Have you tried putting humor@webby.com into your address book? By the way, your rr address claims that there is no such user. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?" "Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Winnepeg - CP She likes to nap and nosh on her favourite foods, but at her age the grande dame can be forgiven her indulgences. Debby, who lives in a rocky enclosure at Winnipeg's Assiniboine Park Zoo, was recently named the world's oldest polar bear by Guinness World Records. At 40, Debby has doubled the life expectancy of most polar bears. In the wild, the massive Arctic bears usually live about 20 years. Zoo officials believe Debby was born in December 1966 and arrived in Winnipeg from Russia the following spring. For years, she shared an enclosure with her mate Skipper, who died six years ago at age 34. When they were younger, the bears would cuddle together outside through the night, even in -40 C. temperatures. In the morning, they'd wake up completely covered in snow drifts. Their long relationship was unusual for the usually solitary animals. As for the secret to Debby's longevity, zookeepers can only guess. If Debby stays healthy for the next few years, she could break another record. As it stands, she is almost the oldest bear in recorded history, second only to a 43-year-old bruin from a zoo in Detroit, Wrigley said. At a celebration of her Guinness record later this month, zookeepers plan to feed Debby some of her favourite treats - smoked goldeye, veggie dogs and a fish frozen inside a block of ice. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/0708 ... polar_bear

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com The Night Before School Starts On the night before school, have your child lay his or her clothing out, have lunches and backpacks packed and a quick and easy to prepare breakfast on hand for the morning. Make sure your kids set their alarm clocks and establish an "out the door time". Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Thanks to Billy for this story: I was the last to leave the office one Friday evening and managed to lock myself out without my overcoat and wallet. Kneeling in a deserted hallway to try picking an electronic lock with a paper clip, I heard the seam of my suit trousers rip apart. About then I realized I needed a screwdriver to remove the lock plate, and said so, aloud. Seconds later the elevator doors next to my office opened, revealing a screwdriver in the middle of the floor. There was a crackle from the wall speaker next to the elevator. "This is security," said a voice. "There's your screwdriver. Sorry, but I don't have a needle or thread for your pants!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog story of my own. On hot days dogs need a lot of water, and I would hate to see them go thirsty if they knock over their dish. So I used 55 gallon drums cut in half for water dishes. One time my girlfriend came running into the workshop where I was making some parts for the windmill and yelled that Dora's pups were in her water dish and couldn't get out, and that Dora wouldn't let her go near them. The pups were about 3 months old and were getting their water at the lake about 30 feet away, so they were probably just goofing around, or Dora tossed them in there so that they would leave her alone. I suggested that she go to the dogfood barrel, take the lid off and start filling the pail. The moment she touched the lid, all the dogs started their usual dinner howl, making sure that they were not forgotten. The pups jumped and clambered over the edge of the sawed off barrel and were milling around her feet before she had finished filling the pail. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute! Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Stereoscopes, First 100 years
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Not getting subscriptions 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Sept 3, 2007
Happy Labor Day!

Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack. --- Richter
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
A truck driver was having lunch at a truck stop when 8 motorcyclists came in. They ate his crackers, drank his water, etc., and he made no move to object. After he left one of the group laughed and said, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" The waitress behind the counter, looking out the window said, "He's not much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over 8 motorcycles!"

, if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. First she asked, "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" He responded, "It goes moo." The she asked, "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" Alice replied, "It goes meow." Next she asked, "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Her response was, "It goes baa." Finally she questioned one last child, "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" She replied, "Er, it goes ... click!" Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation"... Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband!"
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Sherri Ferns, 35 of Concord, NH Not sporty! August 4, 2007 - Concord, New Hampshire - AP A New Hampshire woman has been charged with assault for allegedly throwing pizza at an umpire at a Little League game in Concord last month. Police say 35-year-old Sherri Ferns was working in a concession stand. Her son is on the Concord All-Star team, which lost a close game on July 11. A league investigation said Concord parents and Little League volunteers taunted the umps and tried to provoke them. Police say Ferns tossed pizza that hit one ump and a parent. She's charged with two counts of simple assault. The league disciplined nine parents, board members and volunteers, asking some to resign from the board. Ferns was one of the nine. http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler ... 15021.html
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: The station is not pretty, but the view sure is!
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Evi Re: Not getting subscription For some unknown reason I haven't received your most enjoyed news letter for several weeks, although your web page does show I am still subscribed to it. I admit I am NOT a computer expert but I can't find anything in my mail controls that indicates that any of my mail is being blocked, so am wondering what's going on that I'm not receiving a copy every day. Am hoping you can figure it out better than I've been able to! Evie Dear Evi That seems to be normal with ao'ell. You would be surprised to find out how many letters like yours I get every day. Apparentlty they got no sense of humor down there, and the sniveling ninnies like to steal subscriptions. Got to make room for spam, ya know. Have you tried putting humor@webby.com into your white-list? Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Trenton, New Jersey - AP Divorce lawyers say electronic toll collection systems are proving to be a valuable tool in exposing cheating spouses. An Associated Press survey found that highway agencies in seven states will release E-ZPass toll records in response to court orders in both criminal and civil cases, including divorces. New York divorce lawyer Jacalyn Barnet called E-ZPass "an easy way to show you took the off-ramp to adultery." She said she's used the records on a number of occasions. Another divorce lawyer, Lynne Gold-Bikin, said she was able to prove her client's husband went to New Jersey on a night he claimed to have been attending a business meeting in Pennsylvania. http://www.wsbtv.com/family/13867607/detail.html

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Around Your Home's Foundation Check the grading around your house to make sure the ground is sloping away from your house and no plants or dirt is in contact with your siding. Inspect and patch any cracks in your foundation. Remove mildew with a solution of 1 part chlorine bleach to 3 parts water. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves. Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog story of my own. One time my summer neighbor, a chef from Switzerland, wanted to borrow one of my dogs to take along, because he heard that there were grizzlies near his favorite fishing spot. Adam was ideal for that. He was tall and had very visible reddish-brown and white markings. He was quite conscientious, but not as obnoxious about it as some of the other dogs. When Jacques brought Adam back, he was quite dissappointed. He said Adam took off as soon as he started fishing, and did not return until he packed up his stuff. I had to explain to him that for every grizzly HE sees, there are a hundred that see him. Adam was just busy spiralling out from his fishing spot ad slowly herding the bears away. They are basically peaceful and especially on hot summer days, rather saunter away than get into any strenuous fight. And since he had not seen a single grizzly all day, obviously Adam had been doing a good job, even though he was not underfoot waiting to be petted, like some of the dogs would have been. They became good friends that season and from that day on, Jaques always asked for Adam. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly." DearWebby: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." DearWebby: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an intel inside. How do I get that one out? "

Thanks to Jai for today's Bonus Link: Polar bear and sled dogs
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Connection failing 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Sept 2, 2007

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. --- Frank Zappa Things are more like they are now than they ever were before. --- Dwight D. Eisenhower
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for "ladies and gentlemen." Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. The people seemed stunned. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two big men standing by the door? They're hushers." Nina lived in Manhanttan. Nina's younger sister, Rosey, came in from college to spend a weekend with her sophisticated city-sister. Nina had even arranged a date for Rosey with one of her friends, George. After a lovely dinner and a show, George and Rosey went to George's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a while and then George suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Rosey protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said George, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it....."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Howard Shelley, 42, Buckinghamshire, UK Trying for a Darwin Award? August 9, 2007 - Buckinghamshire, UK - Ananova Building boss Howard Shelley carried out the ultimate DIY conversion by castrating himself. The 42-year-old dad of two decided on the drastic move after being told he would have to wait at least two years for a sex change on the NHS, reports The Sun. He found a website which gave a step-by-step guide to the eye-watering home surgery, then waited till wife Janet went out before setting to work with a kitchen knife in the loo. With the job done, he wrapped his severed appendages in a cloth and dropped them in the bin. Then he drove five miles to his local GP, explained what he'd done, and was packed off for treatment at the Stoke Mandeville Hospital, near Aylesbury. Amazingly, three days later he was back at his desk. Howard, who wants to be known as Holli, said: "It was very painful, but the moment I cut them off I felt all woman. "I'm the sort of guy who, when I make up my mind to do something, wants it done there and then. I didn't want to be a man any more so I decided to do it myself. "The worst bit was steeling myself for the first cut. The whole thing took six minutes. It was agony, but I knew I couldn't stop." He is saving up £5,000 for a full sex-change operation in Thailand. He said: "I want breasts and hips - then I can be a real woman." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2454871.html?menu=

Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
The owner of a business was confused about paying a bill, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help... "If I were to give you $200, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Susan Re: Get knocked off-line and modem makes weird noise Good Morning, We have been having a lot of trouble of falling off line once we are connected to Inet. We have a new provider so apparantly that was not the problem. When trying to connect, I sometimes notice strange noise...I have to shut down and restart. If the strange noise has stopped, it will then connect. We still may get dropped and have to reconnect. I think this is a modem problem. Do you think the modem needs to be replaced? It has been replaced once. Does heat have anything to do with this? (we have dial up) Read your humor letter and vote every time I am online. I do not trust just anyone's 'tech help' but I have never gone wrong with yours. Thank you for any help you can give me this time. Susan Dear Susan that would be either the modem re-dialing after your connection had broken, or some malicious program knocking you off and then dialing a long distance number. Is the sound similar to when you are normally connecting? if it sounds like a normal connecting, then reboot to get a clean slate, then click on START, RUN, then type cmd and hit Enter. You will get a black and white DOS screen. In there type tracert hotmail.com Click on EDIT, MARK, COPY, then paste that into a text file or email. Just save that. Then, next time you get knocked off and the modem dials you up with a weird noise, do that again. If it shows a different trace route, then you know some malicious program is connecting you to some expensive long distance. If it shows the same route as right after rebooting, then you can relax. Then it's just something interrupting your connection. That could be anything. When I was in the Yukon, my security system did a self-test at 01:00 and called in an "OK" to the monitoring station. That of course knocked me off-line. In Okotoks it was the gas meter, that phoned in the day's results at 02:00. Same thing. I got knocked off the net. If it happens more than once a day, ask the phone company to check the line and find out what interrupts the connection. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Woolton, Liverpool, UK - Ananova A baby was born in Liverpool at 8.08am on the eighth day of the eighth month weighing 8lbs after her mum endured eight hours of labour. Mel Byrne, 31, gave birth to Lulu with help from Chinese-born midwife Bea Fung, who helped deliver eight babies that day, reports the Daily Mirror. Mrs Fung said: "In Chinese culture the number eight is considered very lucky. I was watching the clock as the birth approached and was counting the minutes and she arrived at just the right time. "Straight away I told Mel and Pete their daughter was very lucky indeed." Mrs Fung, who has been at Liverpool Women's Hospital for 33 years, added: "The number of eights linked to Lulu is incredible. I consider myself very lucky to have been there." The couple, from Woolton, Liverpool, already have a two-year- old daughter, Maisy. Photographer Peter, 30, said: "Bea was very excited and kept telling us how lucky we were and how lucky Lulu is. "I think I will be letting Lulu choose the lottery numbers as soon as she is old enough." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2460690.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 9empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing An Extra Roll of Toilet Paper If you do not have cabinet bathroom storage space, or it just is not close enough to the toilet, store toilet paper spare roll this way. Cut the bottom out of a tall square tissue box and slip it over the top of the roll. It's both pretty and handy, sitting on the toilet top. By Linda Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" Doc asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," Doc said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. Seems that she hasn't found one yet, so I'll throw in a dog story of my own. Dora was a wheel dog. That's the title given to the last dog in the team. The wheel dog needs weight, raw power, and a fanatic obsession to stay on the trail. Without a strong wheel dog the team tends to straighten out on a winding trail and the last one or two dogs get drug through the deep snow beside the trail. If the trail is winding, there is usually a reason for that, for example rocks or stumps. If the team straightens, the sled will hit those hidden obstacles, often with disastrous results. Dora had that talent and strength. For example, one time winter I had clipped her chain to a 100 Gallon propane "pig" while I was cleaning up around her tree. While I was putting the rake and the shovel away, she pulled the propane pig over on it's side and drug it to her spot. It was still full and not hooked up yet, so it was not a big deal, but I made her tow it back all by herself too. Dora was very possessive and a great guard dog for my truck and the tool boxes in the back. One hot September day it was her turn to come along to a job site. As usual, on hot days, she jumped off the truck and laid down in the shade under it. Towards evening, as the sun shone under the truck, she moved over under the next truck and continued her snooze there. Then another worker came running up to me, quite upset and claiming that my dog had just about killed him and would not let him near his truck. I realized what had happened and went out there and yelled: "Dora, UP!" As usual, she zipped out from under the truck and jumped. In mid air she realized that there was no welder and toolbox on the truck, but a mess of pipes. Dora tried her best to turn around in mid-air, but just managed to crash sideways into all those pipes and causing quite a clatter and racket. She stood up, gave the pipes a disgusted look, and then gave me a dirty look, for having switched the trucks on her, while she was napping. Then she finally jumped from the wrong truck onto mine, went to her traveling spot between the welder and the cab, turned around a couple of times, and flopped down to resume her nap. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times....!"

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Birds of Honduras
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Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby's Road Warrior Kit for 2007 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Sept 1, 2007

We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. --- Rudyard Kipling
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax," she said, "He's downtown playing poker with you."
TO: Medical Personnel FROM: Human Resources It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms." Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted" or "UFO-rejects". Persons who are hysterical or sufering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome are not to be called "LOV" (Low On Valium) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." The homeless are not "urban campers". Endotracheal intubation is not to be referred to as a "PVC Challenge". And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries. Sincerely, Director of Human Resources

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A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!" Junior was one of those holy terrors and her husband was surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday. "Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said. "Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to loose British prisons From the frying pn into the fire August 7, 2007 - Bicester, Oxfordshire, UK - Ananova An immigrant who broke out of a detention centre was caught after he knocked on the door of a prison officer. The Bangladeshi fugitive asked for help and shelter at the home of Bill Smith, 50. He told wife Sheila to call police but the runaway made another break for it over the garden fence. Bill restrained him and six officers arrived to take him back, reports The Sun. The prison guard said the shoeless fugitive appeared at his house at 9am yesterday. He said: "I sat him in a garden chair and gave him a drink of water and he calmed down. "He was frightened and didn't want to go back. But as a prison officer you're never off duty." Police are still hunting 14 immigrants after 26 broke out of Campsfield House detention centre, Oxfordshire, on Sunday. Bill, who works at Bullingdon Prison nearby, found the man's mobile and an ID confirming he was from Campsfield. He said: "A mobile may have helped him escape. The mind boggles that they are issued to them." He revealed it was the third time he has found escaped detainees in his garden in 23 years living in Bicester, Oxfordshire. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2451986.html?menu=

Thanks to Roland for this picture:
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?' Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sheila Re: Laptop Blues Dear Webby, I know you have answered this before, but I need help. I purchased a laptop and will be traveling. You had lots of good info about traveling such as the fiberglass used in hotels, but I can't remember the details because I didn't expect to buy a laptop. I really enjoy your news letter. Lots of info that's so helpful. Thanks for taking your time to help us! Sheila Dear Sheila Here is what's in the Dear Webby Road Warrior kit: 4mm or thicker Plexiglass cut to just fit into the lid of the wheeled carry-on, corners rounded for a snug fit and edges sanded. Leave the protective paper on. Some mice don't work well on bare Plexiglass, plus it's handy to write phone numbers, etc. on. The Plexiglass is to jam into a dresser or night-table drawer to provide a comfortable laptop desk, so that you don't have to sit on a tower of pillows. A proper keyboard that is short enough to fit into your wheeled carry-on. A decent 5-button mouse: Microsoft Laser Mouse is much cheaper and a bit smaller than the Intellimouse Explorer, though not as comfortable if you have large hands. 15' - 20' phone extension cable 15' - 20' light weight extension cord (5 Amp, lamp grade) 15' - 20' network cable Outlet multiplier cube 27 Watt folded spiral light bulb. They produce about the same amount of light as a regular 75 Watt bulb and turn a dingy, romatic hotel room into a brightly lit office instantly. Carefully slice the edges of the tough protective display box it comes in, so that you can re-use that for storing it in. PowerStat cigarette lighter plug in 110 Volt inverter Nowadays most laptops have the below listed items built in, but if yours doesn't, you need to get them: Wireless network adapter Plug in network card for wired networks Modem for dial-up Print-out of Earthlink local dial-up numbers for each state or country that you travel through, in case you get stuck in between planned destinations. AAA card and phone number. Put all of those items into a strong zip-lock bag and put it into the wheeled carry-on, NOT into the laptop case. With the size restrictions in effect now, you might as well check in the carry-on, and just carry the laptop in a comfortable pack-sack style laptop case. Some airports require a lot of walking, so don't put anything into the laptop case that you don't absolutely need on the plane. Decorate the carry-on and suitcase with bright and obvious colors to easily spot them from a distance. Brightly colored tape works fine, but try to use the same color combinations on all of your pieces. Get some self-seal cold lamination luggage tags, for example at Staples (#45383 in Canada, # 889545 in the US) and glue them to every piece of luggage. I use business cards with my picture on them, and any argument is instantly finished when I point at the tag. I have of course also epoxied them to the camera and the laptop. And that's all there is to my road warrior kit. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 6, 2007 - Pembroke, West Wales - Ananova Great gran still feeling chipper Hard-working Connie Brown will celebrate her 100th birthday today by frying up fish and chips in her shop as usual. Connie, who has been working at the chippie since she and late husband Sidney opened it in 1928, is refusing to mark the milestone by taking a day off, reports the Daily Mirror. She said "I love my work. Why should I slacken because it's my 100th? I love the feel of the cod in my hands as I skin it and I still enjoy frying." Great gran Connie runs Brown's in Pembroke, West Wales, with help from son Hilton, 72, and grandson Steve, 44. And today she'll be in as usual at 9am to start skinning fish. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2450679.html?menu=

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing With Lists When you have a lot of things to do and feel unorganized make a list. Sit down in the morning and write down 5 or 6 things that you could get done during the day. Then I prioritize by numbering the items in the order that will serve you best. By Ardis Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv: "My wife's two hours late.... ...She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, .....or she's shopping. OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. So I'll throw in a dog story of my own. One time I was leading a string of pack-horses from Tincup to Burwash. On the map that's about 30-35 miles, so it's just barely doable in a day, if you leave at the first grey of dawn and don't mind arriving in the dark. I was riding one horse and leading four, and I had Erik, my lead dog with me. One of the pack horses had the extremely annoying habit of going around the wrong side of a tree, instead of following the horse in front of her, at least four times per mile. There was no trail, I was just cutting across dense bush and forest, using sections of animal trails, when they went in the right direction, but mostly just forging a new trail. After a while it got really annoying when that horse went around the wrong side of a tree, because each time it nearly pulled my left arm out of it's socket. You can't tie a pack horse to the saddle in dense forest, things break if you do. As my annoyance grew, my language got more colorful and Erik realized that pack horses are just under-educated sled dogs, and set about correcting that. He knew how to keep a team of dogs in line. With a nip here and a nip there, within a couple of miles the horse decided to stop her silly games, and followed the horse ahead of her. We made good time after that, and swam across the White River by moonlight at about 10:30 pm, and reached the highway shortly afterward. The truck that was supposed to be waiting for us, of course wasn't. So I drank the last of the lukewarm coffee in the thermos and led the horses down the highway to Burwash. By that time Erik and the naughty horse had become good buddies and were walking peacefully side by side. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
GROAN Alert Yeah, I know you are going to groan, and then forward it. Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error... ... He replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Condiment Caravan
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Der Webby: Monitor Interference 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 31, 2007
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!

Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts. --- Edward R. Murrow,
ACTUAL CAR ACCIDENT STATEMENTS Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light. Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash. Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him. Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car. Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
Resume Bloopers These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine: 1) I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2) I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3) Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4) Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5) Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6) Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7) Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8) You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9) Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10) I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11) Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12) Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13) I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14) I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15) I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16) I have six kids but other than that I am often quite rational.

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A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me." Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to town council in Lodz, Poland Dctatorship August 9, 2007 - Lodz, Poland - Ananova A Polish woman came back from holiday to find the local council had built a traffic island and a new road in her back garden. But when Alicja Ziemowit, 48, complained she was told a change in the law meant local council officials could use private land for road building without consent and without paying compensation. A spokesman for the local council in Lodz said: "I don't know why she is complaining, it is not a busy road, and she can still get to the back of her garden quite easily." He said the road was expanded to improve access to a new computer factory and that the law change in December meant that they did not need permission. He added: "She still owns the land, it just has a road on it now." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2453611.html?menu=


Thanks to Lisa for this story: For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
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From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elsa Re: Monitor interference Dear Webby, While we are renovating, we are using a door laying flat on four short file cabinets as a desk. I sit on the handle side and my hubby sits on the hinge side. The monitors sit side by side in the middle, one facing east, one facing west. Net solution, right? NOT! When both monitors are on, they flicker like crazy and the colors are weird. Obviouly they are interfering with each other. Moving them apart makes the seating awkward and is not a solution. So, what IS the solution? Elsa Dear Elsa Take the side cover off one of the computers and stick it between the two monitors. The side covers are made from cheap sheet metal that blocks magnetic radiation. Don't use stainless steel or aluminum, it HAS to be cheap iron sheet metal. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - Portland, Maine - Gimundo At the hospital, relatives crowd around to see the newborn baby, Stephen John Sutherland II. Everyone agrees: He has his father's smile. Sadly, the infant's father will never have the chance to meet him. The first Stephen John Sutherland, a soldier, died more than a year ago in battle in Iraq. However, before Sutherland left the U.S., he froze some of his sperm to make sure that, even if he did not return safely from the war zone, a part of him would remain in the world. "I think that Stephen had, I don't know, a sixth sense telling him he needed to do this because he didn't think he was coming back, " Steven's wife, Maria, told WCHS6 News in Portland, Maine. Shortly after learning of her husband's death, Maria was impregnated with Stephen's sperm. Despite her tragic loss, she knew there was hope for the future – thanks to Stephen's remarkable foresight, she could honor his memory by raising their child. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... _His_Death

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ice Cube Tray for Earrings I bought 4 plastic ice cube trays. In each of the cube spaces I put a single pair of earrings. They stack easily and you can see 12 at once and find the pair you are looking for in a jiffy. This takes up very little room on my bathroom shelf also. By Connie Why not use a compact fold-out fly-fishing 96 compartment tacklebox? When the hinged lid is opened, all the drawers get moved out to display all of them for a quick overview. Many models can even be locked, and all of them have a safety latch so that it doesn't accidentally open while traveling through rough bush. When going on vacation, you can just take your little tackle box. After all, they ARE lures '-) DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate, "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute."
Stormy had to suddenly fly up North to Beaverlodge because of news that her father is dying. She will send in her columns again as soon as she finds a Cybercafe up there. So I'll throw in a dog story of my own. On the last August weekend a few years ago I invited a lady friend to come along on a canoe trip up the McClintock River. As you can probably imagine, my canoe was slightly modified and improved. Instead of the silly high slat seats, I had put in low bucket seats, and because steering a canoe from the rear is not only hard on your back, but you don't see rocks or submerged trees until you hit them, I had put a steering wheel and motor controls up front. Even though the motor was raised up high so that the prop was just barely under water, thanks to the low bucket seats the canoe was not tippy at all, as long as everybody was sitting down. We were quitely cruising up the river, enjoying the senery and occasional wildlife on the shores. Because the bears were still out and about, I had two of my sled dogs with me. They knew that whatever was on the shore, was taboo and not to be chased. Then suddenly a beaver surfaced, saw us, slapped the water with his tail like a gunshot, and dove away. Naturally the dogs instantly went after it. Sled dogs are not light weight dogs, and when the two of them simultaneously pushed off with full force from the left gunnel, the canoe flipped quite instantly and we were sitting in the icy water. The water was only about waist deep there and it was no big deal uprighting the canoe and pushing it to the shore. The Yamaha outboard had stopped instantly when it hit the water, but had suffered no damage. I turned the prop a few times to pump the water out, then gave it a pull and it started as if nothing had happened. While the lady hung our clothes over bushes to dry, I motored on down the river to retrieve the coolers, which had gracefully drifted out of sight around the bend in the river. When I caught them, I decided to just tow them rather than risk tipping the canoe again by lifting them over the side. Must have been a hilarious sight with me sitting in the canoe bare naked, holding on to a cooler on each side, steering with my left knee and controlling the throttle with my right foot. Neither the food cooler nor the one with the camping gear and clothes had taken on any water, so we decided to camp right there and wait for the clothes to dry. The dogs had given up on the beaver and had chased and/or eaten anything that moved for a mile around, and went to sleep before we finished eating. As usual, they laid down right in front of the tent, not so much to guard against chaseable "killer" squirrels, but to make sure that they got triped over and petted whenever somebody entered or left the tent. Have FUN! DearWebby

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit giving me free nickles!"

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Dear Webby: Too many search engines 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 30, 2007

He who excuses himself accuses himself. --- Gabriel Meurier Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk. -- Diane Frolov
Thanks to Ross for this story: Tom was in his early 50’s retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Everyday, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you. I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it." "Well, good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, General."
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

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Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine. She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. "Is there anything he needs ?" the distraught woman asked, between tears. The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he'd love a package of cigarettes." "I'll send a carton immediately." the woman said joyfully. "But did he say where I should send them ?" "No." replied the Seer somberly. "But he didn't ask for matches." Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the garden wall and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house!"
Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to police in Belfast, Ireland Vigilante Justice, Belfast-style, for drug dealer ALAN ERWIN STREET vigilantes tarred and feathered an alleged drug dealer because police refused to take action against him, it was claimed yesterday. The victim, in his thirties, was subjected to the humiliating punishment in a loyalist stronghold in south Belfast. But despite the heavy influence of Ulster Defence Association men within the Taughmonagh estate, the paramilitary organisation's advisers insisted they were not involved. Frankie Gallagher, of the Ulster Political Research Group (UPRG), claimed: "The UDA told the local community to go to the police about this. "The community responded in the way it did because it had no confidence in the police." Mr Gallagher claimed that frustration over inaction by the authorities had been building for weeks. Police were given information but failed to intervene, he said. The degrading punishment, reminiscent of IRA-style retribution on those accused of crimes against their communities, provoked a horrified reaction. The victim was tied to a lamppost, then masked men poured tar over him and covered him in feathers as women and children looked on. http://news.scotsman.com/topics.cfm?tid ... 1370592007 Rumors have it that next they will tie some cops to lamp posts, "tar" them with molasses and decorate them with donuts, if they don't get some action beyond blaming things on political organizations.

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home". Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. "Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." "Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."
Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Irene Re: 65,000 Search Engines Dear Webby, I got an ad from a seemingly respectable company about submitting my site to 65,000 different search engines for $129. Is that a good deal? Irene Dear Irene How many different search engines do you use? One? Two? How many different search engines do your clients use? Search for example for recognize a spoof on Google, MSN, Yahoo. They all will show you relevant and useful answers, and there is no need to check any other search engines. In addition to that, the better search engines totally ignore submissions, especially from paid submission services. If you know of any search engine that specializes on your topic and is used by your clients, you can try submitting your site to that one. Have FUN! DearWebby
Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com
Deeli's Kudos August 13, 2007 - US - Gimundo It sounds like the plot of a movie: After a brutal blow to the head, a man lies in bed in a near-vegetative state, unable to speak or move. Six years later, he regains consciousness. Suddenly, he's able to move his arms and legs, eat, and speak again. Within days, he's reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. But this story is fact, not fiction — and it's one of the most exciting medical developments in years, as far as many doctors are concerned. A physical assault six years ago left the unidentified man in a "minimally conscious state " — not quite comatose, but close enough. He wasn't able to move his limbs, and showed only the barest signs of consciousness, with occasional movements of his eyes or thumbs. Now, thanks to an innovative medical procedure, he's finally returned to the land of the living. In a study reported in Nature, researchers implanted a set of electrodes in the man's brain. Over a six-month period, they tested the effectiveness of sending electric shocks to the brain, exploring whether the electric signals would impact his level of functioning. Obviously, the shock treatment worked in a big way: The man can now speak, chew food, and move his limbs. Although he'll never fully recover from the brutal trauma to his head, he finally has a chance to engage with the world again. Despite what he may have lost, he still has much to live for. "Now, my son can eat, express himself and let us know if he is i n pain. He enjoys a quality of life we never thought possible, " said the man's mother. The experiment also provides hope for the estimated 100,000 to 300,000 other head-trauma patients in the United States, who may also respond to electrotherapy treatment. "We do think there will be other patients who can respond to this. I t's a first step to building a science to do this, " said lead study author, Dr. Nicolas Schiff. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... _Six_Years

The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you.
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organize Your Sandwich Fixings Try keeping most of your sandwich making items in a plastic basket in your refrigerator. Not only does this save multiple trips to and from opening the door each time but your kids won't require much help at snack time! By Melody Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
RALPH GOES A DIGGING Family day at the beach. Complete with kids, picnic and the family dog Ralph. Dad was exhausted from long days at work. Mom was mad at dad as he wasn't much fun. He lay face down on a towel, dropped into a deep sleep, and that's where the fun began. The kids got small pails, and covered their overworked father completely up, except for his head. Mom, thinking she was really being funny, dug a tiny hole just above his bottom, and placed a doggie cookie there. Then she called Ralph. The kids hauled her away to swim. Ralph sniffed until he found that a treat was buried. He dug, and pulled, sand flying until he got what he wanted. An hour later, mom and the kids came back to see a crowd around dad. Oh boy, Ralph had pulled dad's swimming shorts down, his "cheeks" were sunburned a bright red. They glowed! It was a fast ride home. All dad wanted was a pan of ice to sit in. Mom didn't want to own up to the nasty stunt, the kids were in giggles, and Ralph? Best picnic he'd ever been on. What the family didn't know was that he went to every pile of sand and dug, uncovering a wide assortment of human parts that will go unmentioned. News on the television that night commented on an unusual amount of sunburn cases reported that day. Ralph lay asleep, his paws twitching, no doubt dreaming about finding cookies put out just for him, in the sand. Stormy O'

If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
The happy couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. The society reporter asked, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" "Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," the husband replied. "Murder occasionally," the wife offered "but never divorce."

Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Crystal Cave
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Dear Webby: Is Google-Earth limited to the C: drive? 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 29, 2007
=========================================

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid
the labor of thinking.
--- Thomas A. Edison

A man can be happy with any woman
as long as he does not love her.
--- Oscar Wilde

=========================================

Thanks to Ross for bringing back this classic:
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest
and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, “My son, after an
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?”
 So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man
and experienced in this matter.

He queries the Minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate
authority: a man of thousands of year’s tradition and
knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
“My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when
so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work,
my wife would have the maid do it ..."

=========================================

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received
a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care
of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly
explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has
already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all
wondering where I went."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card. =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award goes to German Sarabia, 24, of Arvin, California Suicidal gunslinger Eleven officers fired on a suspect who refused to drop his weapon, killing him at about midnight Sunday in east Bakersfield, the Kern County sheriff’s deputies reported. German Sarabia, 24, of Arvin, died of multiple gunshot wounds, a coroner’s office news release said. Two other men, Antonio Villa Rivera, 23, and Gerardo Chavez Valencia, 22, both of Bakersfield, were arrested for their involvement in shots being fired from a brown Honda. Sarabia, Rivera and Valencia were chased by lawmen in connection with shots fired late Sunday night from a brown Honda at two locations near Barlow Street, the news release said. The car stopped in the 2600 block of Monterey Street and the three men ran from it. Officers found Sarabia in the backyard of 2602 Lake St., the news release said. He refused to drop his gun and surrender after numerous commands by officers to do so and was shot while resisting arrest. =========================================== Car-pooling in Bangla Desh =========================================== A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal, their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: Google Earth onto second drive Dear Webby: I trid to install Google-Earth onto my second hard drive, but it insists on going to my C: drive, where I don't have enough space. Is there a way around that bug? Erin Dear Erin Unfortunately, there isn't. The blithering moron who wrote the Google-Pack installer seems to be ignorant of the fact that 32% of computer uers have more than one hard drive. It seems that Google-Earth has been designated as a program for small children, and the install program has been simplified accordingly. Grown-ups and advanced users have to get a second computer with enough space on the C: drive to install Google-Earth there. Yeah, I know it's rather dumb, but you can't argue with Google. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 10, 2007 - Virginia Beach, Virginia - Gimundo Good Samaritans come in all shapes and sizes. But you probably won't find too many that are barely out of diapers. Meet 3-year-old Willy Whitley from Virginia Beach, Va. — a pint-sized do-gooder whose generous deeds are helping to keep a sick 2-year old girl alive. After Willy saw a television news story about Zoe Walenius, who suffers from a rare disease called Opsiclonus Myoclonus Syndrome, he "kept talking about Zoe, and really wouldn't stop talking about her for several days, " his father, Rob, told Channel 13 News in Virginia Beach. So Willy and his father worked out a plan to raise money to help Zoe's family pay her exorbitant medical bills: They planted corn. When the ears were ripe, they picked and sold it, with all profits going to a foundation dedicated to helping Zoe and other children with the same disease. http://www.gimundo.com/Articles/Daily/4 ... Save_Lives
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Clothing at Garage Sales To get the most money for your clothing items, makes sure to wash and fold them so they look their best. Lay folded clothing out on a table so people don't have dig through your bags or a big pile. Display dresses and jackets by using hangers. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Thanks to Bob for this report: I attended Palm Beach Atlantic College in Florida. It's only about a mile from the ocean, so students frequently go to the beach, even between classes. One day I was meeting with our dean, when he stopped me in the middle of our conversation and asked if I was an "A" student. Puzzled, I replied, "Mostly, why do you ask?" "You don't have a tan," he explained. "Around here, the darker the tan, the lower the grade." ============================================= BRIDE GOES SPLASH What a beautiful wedding! Everything had been perfect. The wedding had taken place on a white sandy beach with a lake as the backdrop. It was time to take photo's The groom was a shy man who had arrived from overseas a few months ago. He had courted his bride until she finally said yes to his pleas of marriage. His family was a bit reserved as he didn't know the girl that well. However, today all was well. The bride decided she wanted to have her and her new husbands photo taken on the dock, leading out into the lake. They were posed, the groom leaned in for a kiss, over tumbled the bride, splat, into the lake. My Irishwolfhound jumped right in after her. The groom was screaming in his own language. My dog was having a horrid time trying to find the bride in the ballooning poufs of her white gown. He got to her head, grabbed on to her veil to swim to shore. Dead silence. My dog had taken her veil all right, along with a long blonde wig she wore. Her new husband along with all his relatives got a good look at what he had married. Short, stubby grey hair. It was bedlam, it was hilarious. My dog brought his prize to me, he was praised well. Someone else had jumped in and brought the sobbing bride to shore. It didn't end well. There wasn't going to be a honeymoon. The foolish groom had fallen in love, not so much with the lady, but her pretty blonde hair. Someone tied the wig and the veil to my dog's head. The poor groom was led away crying. All for blonde curls. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions! Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask? Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions..like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Aerial Survey and Photomapping History =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Registry Optimizer 

Good Morning,   !
Tuesday,  Aug 28, 2007
=========================================

Health food makes me sick.
--- Calvin Trillin

With most men, unbelief in one thing springs from
blind belief in another.
--- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

=========================================

Thanks to Dianne for this story:
As the lone female in our household, I find that certain
male habits have really begun to get on my nerves.
One day, I emerged from my teenage son's bathroom
completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toiler paper!"
I raged.

"I know." he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that
when I was just in there."

=========================================

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl.  Immediately she began flirting at him and
and flattering him outrageously. He liked the young lady,
but she was taken a bit aback by her fast and ardent
pitch. Hhe was really amazed when after 30 minutes she
seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," he said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can
you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young lady declared. "For the past 5
years I've been working in the back office at the bank where
you have your account. I know all I ned to know about you."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!" He was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who'd done the shouting, and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a good lay?" The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didn't want to hurt his feelings." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. --- Oliver Wendell Holmes A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be. --- Socratex =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Surf City, NJ officials Whose Ammo Dump? August 5, 2007 - Surf City New Jersey - AP The Army Corps of Engineers, which accidentally dumped sand filled with old military ordnance on Surf City's beach, now wants the town to help pay to remove it. Local officials are angered by the suggestion that they should help foot the bill for a federal goof that already has cost the town an unknown amount of tourism business. "If they're talking about getting any money out of Surf City to pay for their mistakes, they can forget about it," Mayor Leonard T. Connors told The Philadelphia Inquirer. Army Corps spokesman Khaalid Walls said local governments are routinely asked to help pay for projects. "That's protocol. All our projects are cost-shared," Walls said. The town had to close its beach in March after World War I-era ordnance, including fuses and other military hardware, started surfacing in sand pumped ashore during a $71 million beach replenishment project. According to Walls, the Army Corps unwittingly took sand from an offshore site where the military had dumped explosives decades ago. More than 1,100 explosives, each about 4 inches in diameter and 8 inches long, were removed from Surf City's beach. Surf City reopened its beach over Memorial Day weekend with new rules: Don't use metal detectors, don't dig more than a foot into the sand, and report anything suspicious to lifeguards. Even so, visitors since then have found about a dozen more munitions, the Army Corps says. The Army has an ordnance specialist at the beach full time to take charge of discovered explosives. It's unlikely that one of the explosives would ever detonate, but it would be extremely dangerous if it did, said Keith Watson, the Army Corps' project manager. The Army Corps, along with state and local officials, are considering a possible closure of the beach during the winter to clear out more ordnance. The Army Corps might sieve the entire beach with machinery, or it might bring back the ground-penetrating metal- detection equipment used in the spring. http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/ ... ource=mypi None of the locals had told the Army that WWI ammo had been dumped there. They just wanted the Army to pump the sand from there up onto their beach, for free. =========================================== Tourists in Las Vegas desperately trying to lure somebody with an air conditioned or cool pad. =========================================== A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city. After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up. "I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night." "Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother. "Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Roland Re: Registry Optimizer Dear Webby: Advance Registry Optimizer: Is this something one should have, or not: Roland: Dear Roland Our computers work just fine without it. Advance Registry Optimizer seems to be about as necessary as having a mother-in-law in the back seat. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 22, 2007 - Elk Grove, California - Gimundo In general, 5-year-olds aren't renowned for their help in crisis situations. If you have a scrape on your knee, a kindergartener may be able to give you a Band-Aid to cover it up – but that's about the extent of it. Except if that kindergartener is John John Bandieros of Elk Grove, California. Last week, John John was alone with his pregnant mother, Christina, went she went into labor. Though Christina called an ambulance to take her to the hospital, she knew the baby wasn't going to wait that long. It was up to John John to help deliver his own sister. Luckily, the precocious child came through for his mom. He followed his mother's instructions perfectly, bringing her a stack of blankets to lie on while he guided the baby out. When his sister was born, he tied a shoelace around her umbilical cord so that she could breathe on her own. When the ambulance finally arrived, John John led the EMT officials up to the bedroom, where his mother was holding the healthy newborn in her arms. "I wasn't scared," John John told KCRA/NBC News in California. "I think that she was beautiful." And she'll make a pretty cool story for show-and-tell, too.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Selling Electronics at Garage Sales If you are selling electronics at a garage sale clean or dust the exterior and make sure that they work. The better the item looks, the more likely it is to sell. It also helps to write on the price tag that it works, you can even have an extension cord handy for people to test for themselves. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Ever consider what pets must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! ============================================= WEIRD THINGS HAPPEN I love going to the theatre. The huge screen, loud sound, popcorn, it all has a huge attraction for me. I don't like going with my husband, as he is an arm hog. Then he slides down in his seat until I can barely see his head. So, I usually rest one arm on the other side of my chair. Unless there's another arm hog on that side as well. Popcorn. Fattening and delicious, pooling with nice butter. A huge bucket is the only way to go. The show had begun, when a man with a fair sized tummy squeezed his way into the row I was in, then sat next to me. "What'd I miss?" he whispered. To me that is a no no. I don't want to talk. Leave me alone to enjoy the show, and savour my calories. He fussed around a lot! Finally, he settled in to watch the movie. I dug into my popcorn, and something wet slid over my hand. Yuk. What sort of a man was I sitting next to! Not my husband, he was asleep. I put my hand into the tub again and this time I touched something hairy. With big ears, munching MY popcorn. I almost leaped out of my jeans. The man next to me whispered, "I have to bring my Chihuahua with me, he's deaf and barks all the time if I leave him alone." Well now, this I could handle. A tiny dog smuggled into the show? What harm in that! What harm indeed. The show was over when I smelled dog urine. The man had placed his pet on the floor, where it peed on my husbands leg. I thought it was funny as hell, until I found out he had piddled on me as well. Damn, I even shared my popcorn with that little devil. That, I could not forgive. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A Chicago salesman on a business trip to Boston had a few hours to kill before catching a plane home. Remembering an old friend's advice to try some broiled scrod, a favorite fish in Boston, he hopped into a cab and asked the driver, "Say, do you know where I could get scrod around here?" The driver replied, "Pal, I've heard that question a thousand times, but this is the first time, ever, in the passive pluperfect subjunctive."
============================================= Thanks to Roger for today's Bonus Link: Pictures by cat lovers =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Youtube spoof 

Good Morning,   !
Monday,  Aug 27, 2007
=========================================

Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
--- Louise Beal

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
--- Jack London

=========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this update from Florida

IT'S SO HOT and DRY IN FLORIDA. (1967 Version)

 .... the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground
 .....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
 .....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
 .... hot water now comes out of both taps.
 .....you can make sun tea instantly.
 .....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
 .....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel the breeze.
 .....you discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
 .....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 .....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
 .....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
 .....your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
      end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
 .....you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
 .....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is
         pull one out and add butter.  (in the garden)
 .....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
 .....people are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
        laying boiled eggs. (in the country)
 .....you can't fry eggs on the tank of your bike, if they got hard boiled
       in the carton on the way across the parking lot.

Addendum for 2007
.....the hot air from the Algorian provides a welcome cooling breeze.

=========================================

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give
to an old lady in the park. Her mother was
touched by the child's kindness and gave her
the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother.
"But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Velma asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure," replied Jim "What's your phone number?" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines! =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to British Motorists What's a map? August 7, 2007 - London, UK - Reuters As many as 11 million British motorists are unable to read a basic road map, according to a survey released Monday. The poll revealed over three quarters of British drivers were unable to identify the motorway map symbol, while only one percent of motorists would pass the Cub Scout Map Reader badge test. "It's pretty embarrassing the majority of Cub Scouts have better map-reading skills than the majority of the adult population," said Colin Batabyal, head of underwriting and business development at eSure, which carried out the survey. Sixteen percent of British drivers have become so heavily reliant on satellite navigation systems that they have given up keeping a map in their car. "It's time for motorists to take a refresher in map-reading skills," said Scott Sinclair of national mapping agency Ordnance Survey. "Technology is great but the batteries won't run out on a paper map. "No serious hill walker would rely totally on a GPS device in case the power goes or the signal is lost, so it should be the same for the motorist," added Sinclair. The survey -- based on a poll of 1,000 UK drivers -- estimated Britons' poor map-reading skills resulted in 36 billion wasted miles being driven each year. http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/0708 ... aps_odd_dc =========================================== OUTCH! Should have worn the big interview foamies! =========================================== Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said. "Of course, Tim," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence." "But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said. With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dani Re: Filter for U-Tube spoofs Dear Webby: How do I filter out crap like this? I KNOW I am not on any video, and since the barbecue blew up this spring, I am not even on any photo! I am actually contemplating becoming a muslim until my hair grows back. :( In addition to that, MailWasher tells me that it is linking to somewhere else. Here is a typical example: === this i not good. If this video gets to her husband your both dead. see for yourself... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQrTPGpMziX [links to 74.132.117.201/] === I am sure you get them too. How do you filter them? Dani Dear Dani I had to root around the restore bin to find an example. The same 7BIT filter that I described yesterday, also gets this type of virus generated spam. IF the entire header contains 7BIT, then delete, without warning. They fly right by, straight to hell, unseen by anybody, except when you send me to check the restore bin. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 8, 2007 - Elmira, New York - Happy News A large ceramic turtle containing a woman's ashes has been recovered after it was accidentally sold for 50 cents at a rummage sale. When Anita Lewis of Elmira sold the turtle Saturday to a woman with plans to use it as a cookie jar, she didn't know it held the ashes of her husband's late wife. Terrence Lewis' previous wife had collected turtles and the couple's home was full of them, Anita Lewis said. She realized her mistake and began a frantic search that led to the Salvation Army Thrift Shop in Horseheads after an anonymous caller's tip to the Star-Gazette of Elmira. http://www.happynews.com/news/882007/wo ... l-sale.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bring Your Own Beverages If you are in the habit of purchasing beverages or snacks from vending machines at work or school, consider buying cases of drinks and snacks so you can bring your own. Vending machines usually charge double what grocery stores do. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Maggie has a particularly outrageous rapport with her son. He argues and fights with her all the time. Finally having had enough, she takes her son to a psychologist. After two sessions, the doctor speaks with the mother. "Madam, your son suffers from an Oedipus Complex." "Oedipus, Schmoedipus," replies Maggie, "It's all the same to me. The important thing is that he loves his mother!" ============================================= DOG SAVES MAMA GOOSE I've heard it said that one animal can't understand when another animal is in distress, then help. I disagree. This is a true story. I was in my truck, watching and not realizing it at the time that a big Canadian Goose was in trouble, caught in a heavy shrub. All I could see was her head snaking in and out of the bush, while she honked. A dog walked by, stopped to look at the bird, then stuck his head into the shrub. At this point I started to walk over to the bird, thinking the dog would harm it. As I got closer, I could see where one of the goose's legs was tangled in a rope, that threaded through the branches. At first the goose hissed, beat her wings, but the dog carried on. He squeezed his way into the shrub, lay down behind the bird, and chewed on the rope until she was free. The goose was calm at this point. She honked, and her goslings came out of hiding. She gathered her brood, then started to cross the highway. Again before I could help, the dog walked out, and traffic stopped. He looked at the goose, she hurried across with her family, her head up, honking loudly. Once she reached the other side of the road, the dog went on its way. Several other people were watching as well. We all wore huge grins, it really was a great thing to witness. I went into the shrub, and yanked out as much of the rope as I could. The next goose to get caught might not have a hero dog to help her to safety. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
Two buddies, Tony and Billy, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Billy throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Billy rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Billy, "he crapped in my pants, too....!!" He never saw the frying pan, but vaguely remembers hearing a gong.
============================================= Thanks to Roger for today's Bonus Link: Pictures by cat lovers =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Filter out multiple forwards 

Good Morning,   !
Sunday,  Aug 26, 2007
=========================================

Nothing will work unless you do.
--- John Wooden

=========================================

In the lounge car during a cross-country train trip, the conversation
turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.

One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said.  "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due
to simple food.

Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of 20 to that of 40 I lived
an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late
hours, no extravagances.

Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine
o'clock and up again at five in the morning.  I worked from eight to
one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words:  after that, an
hour's exercise; then --"

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but
what were you in jail for?"

=========================================

Q.  How can you identify the Polack at a Cockfight?
A   He's the one who brought the duck.

Q.  How can you identify the Italian at the Cockfight?
A.  He's the one who bets on the duck.

Q.  How can you tell if the Mafia is involved in the Cock fight?
A.  If the duck wins, they're involved.

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Calgary International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat." Since I had my boarding pass with my usual seat assignment, 3F, I didn't really care, but turned to give the line jumper a raised eyebrow anyway, -- and found myself face to face with a smiling pilot. ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Education Bureau in Liaoshen, China Flushed Out August 9, 2007 - Fuxin City, China - Ananova Five students in China have been dismissed from school for not flushing the toilet. The students are based at the Ethnic Mongolian Experimental Middle School in Fuxin city. The headmaster, Mr. Shi, explained: "Every year we sign a commitment paper with each parent and child, to make sure students behave properly at school. "The punishments for breaking the rules aren't negotiable, he added. The Commitment Paper has 27 rules and flushing the toilet is one of them. The move has angered parents. "We have complained to the school and the local education bureau many times, but the school insists on its decision," said one. The education bureau says that the school has overreacted, reports Liaoshen Evening News. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2454998.html?menu= Sounds like the sniveling dogooders have invaded China and started to backstab the schools. =========================================== Thanks to Sandie for this picture: Jury Selection =========================================== Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nigle Re: Filter AOL flags Dear Webby: I took your advice and installed Mailwasher. You were right (as usual), it is great. Would you please tell me how to write a filter to block/delete e-mail that has more than 2 Fwd: Fw: etc. in the subject line. I need to be able to receive mail with 2 forwards, but not any more than that. I also need to get this mail from people who are on my friends list. Is it possible to have filter for this? Thanks for all your good work. Nigle Dear Nigle Hit CTRL T ALT F A to add a new filter (Or do the equivalent mousing around) Filter name: AOL-Flag Priority: no checkmark on "This filter takes precedence over the Friends List. Status Description: AOL-Flag, and select a crappy color. (Use colors that you like for filters that mark mails as good) Put a checkmark on "Mark this email for deletion In the Rules Select: Subject Field Select Contains type fwd: fwd: fwd: into the value field Hit OK The result will be: If the Subject field contains "fwd: fwd: fwd:" then mark the message as mail to be deleted. Now you can shuffle that filter up the list of filters. That requires some strategic thinking. When a mail has been cleared or dumped by a filter, filters farther down won't affect it. It is no longer in the queue. For example, if you want to mark mails as legitimate if they contain the word "forms" in the subject line, but want to dump it if it also contains an AOL flag (>>>) , then you would move this filter up above the "forms" filter. Hit OK, and it is done. You can try the filter with just two fwd's in the subject line. Then it will mark mails with two or more of them, and you can manually "rescue" some of those. If you get mails that contain foreign equivlents of "Fwd:" in the subject line, then filter for the AOL flag ">>>" in the body. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 9, 2007 - Nouakchott, Mauritania - AP Mauritania passed a law promising prison time for people who keep slaves — a monumental step in the northwest African nation's push to eliminate the long-standing practice. The law, adopted unanimously late Wednesday by Mauritania's legislature, calls for prison sentences of up to 10 years for people found keeping slaves, and reparations for those who have been enslaved. Slavery has existed for hundreds of years in Mauritania — a poor nation of Muslim nomads and traders on the Sahara Desert's. Yet it has been hard to know how persistent the practice is because owners and slaves often have lived together for decades and consider one another to be family. The government officially abolished slavery in 1981, but no one has ever been prosecuted for it and no law created a punishment. http://www.happynews.com/news/892007/ma ... ry-law.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Yard Sale Closing Time A few hours before you end your yard sale sale, make everything half price or have a bag sale. For a bag sale, you set a fixed price for whatever they can fit into a bag. Plastic grocery bags work great for this. You don't make a lot money but you can get rid of a lot of items. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section. The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion and quickly got back with appropriate fillers. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead." The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the road where you ran over it on the way to the store." ============================================= EXTRA CHARGES Jasper, my Maltese had a thorn in his paw that I was unable to pull out. I took him to the veterinarian's clinic. It was closed for lunch. I joined several other people waiting for the door to open. One women was in a temper. Although she had driven up in a luxurious car, wore lovely clothes and very fat diamond ring, all she wanted to hash over was how expensive it was to take her pet to the vet's. On and on, how everyone knew a vet overcharged, had more money than the Queen herself, didn't give a damn about "poor" people struggling to just keep up, plus this vet at this clinic was a cold sort of toad. Finally the door opened. Jasper was second in line. The vet came out to call in the first patient, the grumbling woman. We all looked at him in shock, then I started to giggle. No one had noticed the quiet man sitting on the steps waiting for the clinic to open. He was the vet, who had forgotten his keys to get in. From the gleam in his eyes, he had heard every nasty word she had uttered. This vet drove an old beat up truck, half of his time was spent caring for animals in shelters, plus he often cut "poor" peoples bills in half so they would be able to afford animal medical care. Along with every one else in that room, I hope he put a few extra charges on her bill. He certainly deserved it! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Scotland at a glance =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: new Wave of different postcard spoofs 

Good Morning,   !
Saturday,  Aug 25, 2007
=========================================

Let him that would move the world, first move himself."
--- Socrates

Everyone who's ever taken a shower has an idea. It's the
person who gets out of the shower, dries off, and does
something about it that makes a difference."
--- Nolan Bushnell

=========================================

Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer
day.

Their dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was
mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and
cool without getting into trouble.

They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one
of them jumped up and declared, "I know!  Lets get baptized!"

Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a
baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and
told the pastor they wanted to get baptized.

The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of
begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and
dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on
their way.

The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole
adventure, when one of them asked the other, "Hey, what religion
are we now?"

"I don't know," replied the other.  "If we were Baptists, he
would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like
he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured
it on our heads from a pitcher..."

They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one
said in a small voice, "Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I
think that it means that we're 'pisscapalin."

=========================================

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed
in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to
explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom wearing black?"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" ========================================== A young couple decided they needed an au pair, and arranged for a girl to come over from Northern Finland. When she arrived, the wife asked, "Can you cook?" "No," said the girl, "My mother always did that." "Can you do housework?" asked the wife. "No, my oldest sister always did that." "Well," said the wife, "You'd better just look after the children." "I don't know how," said the girl. "My youngest sister always did that." "What can you do, then?" asked the wife, in desperation. "Well," said the Finnish girl brightly, "I can milk reindeer." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= This Lady needed her bedroom painted. She called a painter to paint it for her. He came and painted it a beautiful color. She was so proud of it. That night her husband came home, and she said, "Look honey, what a beautiful room." The husband, being tired, leaned his hand against the wall and told her how pretty it was, but the paint, still being wet, smeared a little. The lady was rather upset that he had smeared the wall. The next day, the painter comes over to get paid, and the lady says, "Oh, you must come in and see where my husband put his hand last night." The painter replied, "Sorry, I can't do that, lady, but I will split a beer with you." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Hans Ahl, 62, Sweden Sent in by Lillemor Rich Cry-Baby Millionaire Swede pays dear for speed Published: 24th August 2007 08:39 CET Online: http://www.thelocal.se/8276/ A millionaire from Småland in southern Sweden has been forced to pay a 195,000 kronor ($28,000) fine after he was caught speeding on the Baltic island of Åland. Hans Ahl, 62, was hit with the full force of Finnish law after driving his Chevrolet minivan at a speed of 67 kilometres/hour (42 mph) in a 30 km/h zone (19mph). Though the population of Åland is Swedish speaking, the main island and its many skerries are in fact an administrative province of Finland. Unlike in Sweden, where there is a 4,000 kronor maximum charge, Finland does not place an upper limit on traffic fines. Instead the cost of a speeding ticket is calculated on the basis of the offender's income. "I can laugh about it now that a few days have passed. And I can pay it alright but it's a lot of money," Ahl told Expressen. The 62-year-old has said that he intends appealing the decision, partly because he didn't know that there was a 30 km/h speed limit. "You would have a hard job finding the 30 sign. I thought I was out in the countryside in the middle of the woods," said Ahl. TT/The Local (news@thelocal.se/08 656 6518) ----------------------------------- So that they would be equally memorable for everybody, and not laughed off as cheap toll, Finland has for many years based speeding fines on the speeder's income. Anssi Vanjoki, a top Nokia executive, was fined about 5 times as much for a similar ticket (46 mph in a 30mph zone) in 2002, as Hans Ahl was fined. =========================================== Thanks to JoAnn for this picture: A Hardy Fuchsia and one of our Summer visitors. These little jewels give us so much pleasure and it only costs a few nice plants and a bag of sugar for their feeders. Sure is cheap entertainment for the season! Guinn and JoAnn =========================================== A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Morris. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lori Re: new type of postcard spoofs Dear Webby, there is a new type of postcard spoof out, but each fake postcard pick-up notice seems to be different. I can't seem to find anything common to filter for. They look like this: izswhether@equistarchem.com wanted you to have this card from americangreetings.com. To view your Ecard online, click on the following link: americangreetings.com [links to 71.207.55.224/] Enjoy, americangreetings.com Since you didn't mention them, you must be filtering them out unseen. How do you do that? Lori Dear Lori Yes, you are right. I had not seen those and had to look for them in the MailWasher restore bin. They had all gotten dumped, unseen, by my T7 filter: If the entire header contains "Transfer-Encoding: 7Bit", dump it. That filter also nabs a lot of other virus generated spam. I only keep the MailWasher stats for two days so that they don't slow things down too much, but in the last two days that filter dumped 30% of the spam sent towards me. Try it for a day or two with just marking stuff to be deleted, and if it does not mark any legitimate mail, then set it to automatically dump stuff without showing it. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos Home sweet cement pipe A Chinese man has built a house out of two cement pipes. Xin Yucai, 50, of Shenyang city, even turned down the chance to move into his daughter's apartment he enjoyed living in his unusual home so much. "My father likes to do things differently," she explained. "He bought two cement pipes from a construction company and turned them into a real house, with windows, door, and even a chimney." The daughter says her apartment has enough space for her father but Xin still insisted on making a house of his own. "We moved once, and he took the pipe house with him." The house has become a city attraction. "From time to time, people will come to have a look and take pictures with the pipe house," a neighbour told Huashang Morning News.
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Applying Stain To Wood Sand wood and remove any dust before staining. A clean, used pair pantyhose works well for applying stain to wood. The nylon provides an even coat and doesn't leave behind any lint. Wear rubber gloves and old clothes. It usually takes at least two coats to get a uniform look. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers." So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY. ============================================= ROVER'S IN LOVE It was Mark's seventh birthday. The backyard of his home was crawling with kids, dogs, relatives, plus a table loaded with food. Mark loved a juice drink his mom made, plus she was generous with the sugar. She had decided to place a huge bowl of the punch on a low stool, with a pile of paper cups. The kids could help themselves. One child had brought her Chihuahua, Lacy to the party. Mark's dog Rover, a Saint Bernard, Labrador mix was fascinated with the tiny Lacy. He was careful of his huge size and strength. He only wanted to get past her snapping teeth long enough to say hello. Lacy had enough of this inconsiderate boob sniffing at her. She jumped out of her mistress's arms, raced across the lawn, tumbling right into the punch bowl. Rover to the rescue. His massive mouth closed over Lacy, hauling her dripping out of the sweet stuff. Even though she was in a terrible temper, he lay down, held Lacy between his paws, and washed her. Lacy fought a good fight, but it really was hopeless. He bathed her until she was glistening with drool. Lacy bit his paw, it was like a bee sting. She caught his lip between her teeth. He went still, until she let go. He drooled, licked, slurped until Lacy's owner rescued him. Just before she was picked up, Lacy squatted, and peed on Rovers paws. Rover? He washed his piddled up feet. He smiled. He gazed at Lacy across the yard. Yup, no help for it. Rover was in love! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older. You are just getting better." Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP. YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sedona =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby If the greeting on top does NOT have your first name, or at least your favorite nickname, please tell me. I can correct that in two seconds and greet you properly from then on. If you want to give a gift subscription to a friend, but don't have time to subscribe her or him, just hit REPLY and tell me. I will gladly enter them for you. To reply to me personally, just hit REPLY or write to humor@webby.com If you do not normally get the Humor Letter every day, and this was the first time, then a friend sent you a one time sample or maybe even gave you a gift subscription. If you like the Humor Letter, then you can subscribe at http://webby.com/humor/sub2.html You can also UNsubscribe there. If you don't want to receive the Webby Humor Letter, please unsubscribe by clicking the link below: You are currently subscribed with this address: Unsubscribe from the regular HTML version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the regular version Unsubscribe from the LARGE FONT HTML version UNSUBSCRIBE from the Large Font version Unsubscribe from the plain text version: UNSUBSCRIBE from the Text version ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter =============================================





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Dear Webby: Kill hiberfil.sys 

Good Morning,   !
Friday,  Aug 24, 2007       
Wear something red today to show your support for the troops!
=========================================

out of Atlanta comes this comment:
Americans should be ashamed !
We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo wings,
that many kids today...have never seen a buffalo fly.


Well, times are changing. Ten years ago, if I told a woman
that I wanted to google her Wiki with my Palm Pilot,
she would probably have either slapped or kissed me.
Today she'll offer to guide me in.

=========================================

Thanks to Cookie for this story:
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while
a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag...

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I' d better go back
and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each
time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the
bushes, right into my flower beds!

So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie
through the fence, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

=========================================

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho" and
went out walking with one of the hired hands.  Walking through
the barnyard, the visitor tried to impress the ranch hand and
started a conversation.  "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd'."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows.  There's
a big bunch of 'em right over there!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head with the cast iron frying pan. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name "Marylou" written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to South African hospitals Pay or die August 17, 2007 - Johannesburg, South Africa - Ananova A South African security guard who was shot during a robbery was told to 'walk off' the pain. Hospitals are reportedly refusing to remove the bullet which is still stuck in the side of Phillip Mashiane, 38, reports the local Star newspaper. He was shot during a burglary at the Johannesburg property of South Africa's ambassador to the United Nations. The bullet passed through his elbow and entered his body just above the hip, missed his vital organs and stopped beneath the skin on the opposite side of his body. Mr Mashiane told the paper he was turned away by one private hospital because he could not afford the bills while a public hospital took x-rays and kept him in for observation before sending him home with painkillers. When he returned, he says a doctor told him to 'walk the pain off'. Doctors at a third hospital said it could not remove the bullet because Mr Mashiane had started treatment elsewhere. "I want my life back. I need to work and all I ask is for them to help me," he said. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2467232.html?menu= =========================================== Thanks to Walter for this picture: No global warming, but plenty of rain! =========================================== Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leanne Re: hiberfil.sys Dear Webby, I got this huge file called hiberfil.sys, and it's fragmented so badly that even DisKeeper can't do anything about it. Actually, it's the only fragmented file it shows on the C: drive. Is there a way to get rid of it? Leanne Dear Leanne hiberfil.sys is just a snapshot of what you got open and running, what Windows will return to when it wakes up from hibernating. If you get rid of, or move hiberfil.sys then Windows has nothing to return to when you get back from lunch. That is why DisKeeper won't touch it. The only safe way to get rid of hiberfil.sys is to turn of Hibernation. Go to Control Panel Power Hibernation Apply Then reboot. The file is gone. Now tell Diskeeper to do a defrag and snug everything up. You will wind up with a lean and mean and fast C: drive with zero fragments. After that, you can turn hibernation on again. It's a good idea to do that once or twice a year. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 20, 2007 - Finland - Ananova A 5,000-year-old piece of chewing gum has been discovered by an archaeology student. Sarah Pickin, 23, from Derby University, found the lump of birch bark tar on a dig in western Finland, reports the BBC. Neolithic people used the material as an antiseptic to treat gum infections, as well as a glue for repairing pots. Ms Pickin's tutor, Professor Trevor Brown, said: "It's particularly significant because well defined tooth imprints were found on the gum. "Birch bark tar contains phenols, which are antiseptic compounds." Ms Pickin, one of five UK students on a volunteer programme at the Kierikki Centre on the west coast of Finland, said: "I was delighted to find the gum and was very excited to learn more about the history." http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2471387.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Shopping By The Seasons By preparing meals with foods that are in season you can save a lot of money. Other seasonal deals to look for are meat sales around the holidays. Some examples are hot dogs before the 4th of July and specialty meats like ham or turkey for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Supposedly a true story, but it sounds like an Urban Legend. A British doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied: I'm not, I just lie there. When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, "No. Who?" ============================================= A DOG IS A DOG, SOMETIMES Two seniors huddled together on the bench waiting their turn to see the veterinarian. On the lady's lap sat a very small Pomeranian who looked quite miserable. It was easy to see they were devoted to her. Their wrinkled hands constantly stroked her fur, trying to reassure the dog. Once taken in to see the vet, he began with some small talk to ease the old folks. Turns out they had always lived on a farm, with only outside working dogs. The small Pom was a gift, but they really had no idea how to care for something so fragile. The vet began his medical test. The wee dog shivered and shook through the entire exam. The old couple were asked to go into the office with the dog, while the doctor gathered up the test results. Looking at the extremely anxious seniors, he said, " Your wee one is diabetic. Does anyone in her family have this condition?" It was an beautiful example of how much they loved their dog. The husband looked at his wife "I don't think anyone in my family has diabetes, does yours, love? The vet just smiled, he saw this a lot, where people simply forgot the dog was a dog, not really a human member of the family. He rather liked it! Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
The church next door welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sedona =============================================
.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Better looking prints 

Good Morning,   !
Thursday,  Aug 23, 2007
=========================================

When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
--- Margaret Drabble

Be changed and the world around you begins to change.
— Gerald Epstein

=========================================

Thanks to Bob for this revelation:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for.

Then I noticed women were coming up to me, they'd sniff,
exclaim, "Married!", and walk off.

So, gents, that's how they mark their territory!  You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that "April fresh scent" out of
your clothes.

=========================================

A programmer, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing
around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a
girlfriend.

The accountant says, "A girlfriend! No commitments, no
hassles. When you get tired, you just move on."

The lawyer says, "One needs a wife. That way you have a
representative; an extension of yourself at important
gatherings with influential people".

The programmer says, "You're both wrong. You need a wife and
a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the
girlfriend; the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the
while you're at the office creating programs!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
The gynecologist complimented the young woman on his examination table. "Go home and tell your husband to prepare for a baby." "But I don't have a husband," the girl replied. "Then, go home and tell your lover." "But I don't have a lover. I've never had a lover!" "In that case," the doctor sighed, "go home and tell your mother to prepare for the second coming of Christ..." ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet. So mom had to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor. After the examination, the Dr.. said, "Well, his unit is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen. On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!" "I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father..." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 54 year old biker in Hamamatsu, Japan Leg? What leg? Thanks to Sheila for this International Bonehead Award August 14, 2007 - Tokyo, Japan - Reuters A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb. The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said. He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying. The man and his leg were taken to hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said. http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnou ... 0120070814 =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anton Re: Printng photos Dear Webby, When I try to print pictures, they don't come out anywhere near as good as the samples they had at the store and claimed they had printed with that kind of printer. Did they use prints from a different printer or am I doing something wrong? Anton Dear Anton Most likely they used the most expensive photo paper and ink from Atlantic Inkjet.com. They also probably used a picture formatted for 300 or more pixels per inch. If you save a picture off a browser, it will be 72 pixels per inch. That is a huge difference in the number of dots on a picture. On an 8x10 picture, with 72 PPI you get 576 dots times 720 dots = 414,720 dots. With 320 DPI you get 2560 dots times 3200 dots = 8,192,000 0.4 Million dots versus 8 Million dots. If you use JPG format and any amount of compression, then you also lose picture quality very quickly. JPG compression is for sending pictures to your aunt on her slow dial-up, but not for printing. If you want a nice print, set the compression to 1. Watch the file size, though! For example, a picture of the "Eye Of God" (Helix nebula) off the browser might be 30 KB on some sites that use compression, 250 KB on mine at Eye Of God 800 x 600, but if you use the original, sized to 10" x 7.5" at 320 DPI, it's over 2.5 MB. In summary, use good paper, good ink, 300 or more DPI, and absolutely no compression in any step between camera and printer. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 11 , 2007 - Sudbury, Suffolk, UK - Ananova A father posed for a publicity picture in a desperate attempt to find the daughter he has not seen for years unaware she was just a few yards behind him. Michael Dick scoured the streets of Sudbury, Suffolk, and looked through the electoral register searching for Lisa, 31, reports Metro. After drawing a blank, he went to the Suffolk Free Press newspaper, which ran a story on his search. The paper took a picture for the article, of Michael and his younger daughters Samantha, 22, and 10-year-old Shannon. Lisa, a mother of three, discovered her father, 58, was trying to find her when friends mentioned the story. And when she looked at the photograph, she realised she and her mother were just a few metres behind them and got in touch. Mr. Dick, a carpenter from Bow, East London, said: 'I couldn't believe it when Lisa told me. It is just pure coincidence that she was walking past.' Lisa, Mr. Dick's daughter from his first marriage, moved to Sudbury with her mother as a baby after her parents split up. She was amazed to spot herself in the picture behind her father and two half-sisters. Lisa said: 'I was completely shocked. Me and my mum had been standing in that exact place where the picture was taken about a minute earlier, and you can see us in the picture walking away. It is incredible.' Lisa, who now lives in Colchester, Essex, had only gone to Sudbury on the day the picture was taken to visit her mother. http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2456317.html?menu=
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Organizing Cooking Sheets Buy a piece of corner molding at your local hardware store and cut it into pieces that are about the depth of your kitchen cabinets. Nail the pieces of molding to the bottom of your cabinet perpendicular to the opening and you can then store your cookie sheets upright. When I design a kitchen, I always put a narrow, floor to countertop drawer beside the stove, with no sidewall on the stove side. Into the top I put a towel rack, and in the bottom a chrome wire guard or fence to hold cookie sheets upright and from tipping against the stove side. The waste heat from the stove dries the towels and stove cloths, and the library of cookie sheets and cake pans is easily accessible. Now if I could find some decent flour bins, the kitchen would be perfect. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she continuously yelled, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. Finally, another fan called out, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong!" "Hey," she yelled back, "How would you know? That's my husband, not yours!" ============================================= GUS AND HIS TUMMY I stirred the homemade spaghetti sauce, savouring the rich aroma. The sauce was a beautiful red color. I knew my dinner guests would enjoy it. All had to do was change into a pretty new white sundress. Gus was a stray dog I had taken in a week ago. He was so skinny every rib showed. His hip bones could be used to hang hats on. He lived in my kitchen, constantly underfoot. I knew that with time, he would learn that he would never go hungry at my house. The doorbell rang. I had just slipped into my sundress, flew past the kitchen, stopped to move the pot of spaghetti sauce from the stove. I took a step back, Gus was right behind me. Down I went, covered in sauce. The stuff was hot. I was moaning in pain. Gus was right there slurping it up. My guests came in, saw the dog standing over me licking me frantically, they panicked. "OH no, that dog has attacked her, she's covered in blood." They tried to grab Gus, he growled. It was his sauce, he had first claim. What a grand day, an ambulance, the police, along with animal control to catch Gus. I wasn't badly burned, the dress absorbed most of the goo. The next day I had to go spring Gus out of doggie jail. When I started supper cooking porkchops, I put a leash on Gus, tied it to the table. I should have known better. I answered the phone. While I was gone, Gus pulled the table across the room, leaped up to snag the chops out of the pan, then grinned at me. My husband came home, took one look at me then suggested "How about going out for pizza?" I really have to get Gus into training school. He beat us both to the car! Stormy O' A table leg? Stormy, YOU need to go to training school too. That dog probably would have drug that table UP some stairs to get at the pork chops! I will always remember one eveing in 75, when I chained two of my sled dogs, pure-bred mutts, to the welded on eye bolts on opposite ends of the step bumper on my Ford Pick-up, while I went into the McRae truck stop on the Alaska Highway to eat. When they spotted a blackbear sauntering across the parking lot, they both took off after it like bullets. The 3/8" tow chain I had used, was stronger than the "slighlty" rusty bumper bolts, and with the bumper clattering along behind them, they went after the bear. The poor bear had probably never been that scared before in it's life, and remembered how he used to climb trees as a pup. He went up a telphone pole faster than a lineman three minutes before quitting time. I have been VERY choosy about what I tie dogs to ever since. DearWebby
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: Sand Sculptures of PEI =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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Dear Webby: Most reliable connection 

Good Morning,   !
Wednesday,  Aug 22, 2007
=========================================

He who waits upon fortune is never sure of dinner.
--- Benjamin Franklin

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted.
--- Jerome Blattner

=========================================

Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing
sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home,
he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."

=========================================

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their
parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their
sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did
it!"

========================================= , if you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes! =========================================
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!" The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!" ============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter. ============================================= Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister also told a number of stories that cannot be printed here." =========================================== Thanks to Deeli's Bonehead reports: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Mike Vick (Story sent in by Jai) ATLANTA -- The Atlanta Humane Society said they are receiving donations from across the country -- and you'll never guess what people are sending: Mike Vick jerseys and t-shirts "We discovered like any donation we get, any shirt or towel, we put it to good use here at Atlanta Humane Society. We're always using things to clean kennels, use for bedding and stuff like that," said Smith. Did she say cleaning kennels? "We're not showing any favoritism to these jerseys, they go into our general rotation of towels," Smith said. One dog is using his Vick jersey as a pillow. Complete story at http://www.wsbtv.com/news/13918614/detail.html --------------------- The real bonehead award should go th the owners of the Atlanta Falcons, who kept Mike Vick on for two years after it became known, that he was involved with running illegal dogfights. =========================================== Thanks to Cookie for this picture: =========================================== Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard. Immediately there was an 80 year old man in the water, who rescued her. The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The captain was grateful as well as astonished that such a white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was asked to say a few words. He said, "Once I was in the water, it was no big deal. But I sure am curious about who pushed me overboard." =========================================== Get a Dish Network for as low as $19.99/month Free HD & DVR Equipment & Free installation Free Dish Network Satellite TV Systems We are nationwide Dishnetwork retailer! http://www.AFreeDish.com ================================== From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ormond Re: Most reliable connection Dear Webby, What is the most reliable connection? I don't really need very high speed, but for my on-line credit card order processing, I need 100% reliability. I am not an AOLer, so I don't have a religious hangup requiring things to be free or the absolute cheapest. I can write it off as a business expense anyway. Ormond Dear Ormond NOTHING on the net is 100% reliable. Approach it the same way as the power on a big boat. For normal operation, use a big Diesel (DSL) and for emergency, when there is a problem with the Diesel, use a little put-put outboard. (Dial-Up). Cable may be a bit faster, but the reliability of cable is rarely even near what it theoretically should be. DSL is quite reliable, normally, but even big companies like Telus have occasional problems, especially when they try to do a system wide software upgrade and accidentally knock off a few thousand clients. They just did that again this Monday night and wound up reverting to the old system Tuesday afternoon. At times like that I simply switch to Earthlink dial-up. I have had that account for a dozen years for traveling, and the occasional DSL downtime. In summary, for a business you do need a back-up way onto the net. Whether you use DSL or Cable for normal operation, keep a cheap dial-up connection going. Have FUN! DearWebby ========================================== Save up to 70% on printer inkjet cartridges 100% Guarantee & Free shipping Discount ink cartridges, refill kits & laser toners. Recycle your empty cartridges - Save or make money! http://www.Ask4Ink.com ========================================== Deeli's Kudos August 21, 2007 - Lehighton, Pennsylvania - AP Sheila Drummond didn't need to see her hole-in-one. She heard it. Drummond, blinded by diabetes 26 years ago, experienced the highlight of her golfing career Sunday, recording an ace on the 144-yard, par-3 fourth hole at Mahoning Valley Country Club. Playing with her husband and coach, Keith, and two friends in a steady rain, the 53-year-old Drummond hit a driver on the hole. The shot cleared a water hazard, flew between traps and landed on the green, where it hit the flagstick before dropping into the hole. ''They were saying, 'It's a great shot,' and then I heard it hit the pin,'' Drummond said. ''For a hole-in-one, you have to hit it onto the green, so it's a little bit of skill and a lot of luck.'' http://www.happynews.com/news/8212007/b ... career.htm
============================================= The Express Empress and her Outlook Express tips are on a separate blog at http://fire-cat.com/blog/ Email to the Express Empress at 8empress@fire-cat.com, and she will post it into the blog for you. =============================================
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Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Dairy You'll almost always save money by buying larger containers of dairy items like yogurt, milk and cheese but make sure you don't buy so much it will spoil before it's used. Stock up on cheese when it's on sale, it can be grated and frozen for later use. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended ! You can even submit tips and win prizes in weekly Contests ! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
======================================== Thanks to Jai for this story: As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at his priest and calmly said, "Sounds like SHE has been told where to go." ============================================= OH MY FRAZZLED NERVES The entire neighborhood could hear Thelma screaming. "Get it out of here, now!" Silence, then, "That dog isn't normal, Eeeeek, catch that slimy thing." Finally, "That's it, wait till your father gets home." The fuss was over a little dog called Julie. She was a small mixed breed dog. She did have one horrid habit. Julie liked snakes. She didn't hurt or kill them, she merely liked to catch them and carry them wriggling into the house. Of course Thelma, would end up on the counter top, holding her skirts up around her neck, screeching at the top of her lungs for her kids to catch the snake. Her wrath boiled over when Julie hauled home a tiny garter snake, then presented it to Thelma when she was, shall we say, busy in the bathroom. Dad arrived home to find his wife in tears, his kids sulking and Julie tied to the dog house. He also brought home his boss and his wife for dinner.Thelma had forgotten, there wasn't any hot meal ready. She bawled openly while telling her husband her nerves couldn't handle any more snakes. Julie had to go. The kids wailing could be heard two blocks away. The boss's wife hearing the story said, "Why I love snakes, I'll take Julie." Dinner was finally served. The boss stared across the table at his wife thinking of how much he loved her, never able to deny her smallest wish. No one knew that he had recently spent the entire night in his car, afraid to open the door because he had seen a baby snake. He wondered, how "his" nerves were going to hold up with Julie, and her gifts. Stormy O'
============================================= If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog =============================================
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly. "Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?" The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
============================================= Thanks to Dianne for today's Bonus Link: France at a glance =============================================
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If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
============================================= Give a friend a free gift subscription to the Humor Letter ============================================= Well, , that's all for today. have FUN ! Dear Webby





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