Dear Webby: Camera pictures too big for hotmail 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  September 14, 2009


It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. --- Alfred Adler There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. --- Oscar Wilde We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? --- Jean Cocteau
This bluehaired lady in a nursing home stands up and raises her fist in the Rec Center one day and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight". A little old smart-ass in the back of the room yells, "an elephant". She yells back, "Close enough, you win!!!"

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 65 year old German in Schoengleida No more flying OR driving A drunk German pilot had to be guided to land by a rescue helicopter after he radioed the control tower to ask where it was 'hiding'. The 65-year-old amateur pilot had allegedly drank beer and wine before taking to the skies above Thuringia in his Cessna light aircraft, reports the Daily Telegraph. Once airborne, he served himself some cocktails while at the controls. Two hours later he was apparently so inebriated that he was unable to read the instruments telling him where the Schoengleida airfield was. "Come on, I know you're down there," he radioed. "Where the bloody hell have you hidden yourself?" Control tower staff say he also sang a few songs, cracked a mother-in-law joke and told them to "pull their fingers out as I've got a party to go to". The tower scrambled a rescue helicopter which homed in on the Cessna 50 miles west of the airport and gave instructions for the pilot to follow it back. Officials at Schoengleida said the pilot, who has not been named, made a safe landing. The man was unsteady on his feet and smelt of alcohol as he wobbled from the cockpit to his parked car. Concerned airfield authorities alerted police. He was stopped on the way home, breathalysed and found to be nearly four times over the legal limit for driving. Now he has lost his driving licence - and his pilot's licence.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leona Re: Pictures too large for hotmail Dear Webby, We just got a new camera and I download my pictures on to the computer. When I try to send them in an e-mail, it always says that the picture is too big. Can this be fixed by a setting on the camera, if not, how do I resize them on the computer. My camera is a Cannon digital. Thanks Leona Dear Leona Most email prorams from the last millenium, like your Hotmail, were not designed with today's cameras in mind. DON'T mess with the camera settings! Try to change the file size that your email program sees as potentially too large. When Hotmail was written as a web based alternative to the POP email programs Eudora and Pegasus about 17 years ago, that file size would have indicated that you accidentally attached Windows to your email, and in the days of 7.2 KB/s dial-up, it would have locked up your and your reipient's email for a day. Eudora and many other email program let you set the file size that triggers the alarm. Nowadays 10 MB is a common setting for that. If you need to shrink the size of the picture or the file size, use a graphics program for that, not the camera! There are hundreds of graphics programs available on the net, most of them are free, and some of them good enough that they are sold for real money. My recommendation is PSP (PaintShopPro). You can get older versions on eBay for $5 - $50. My favorite is version 7, even though I have version 12 on one of my machines. With that you can, for example, crop the face or flower in the right upper third of the picture, and still get an 800 x 600 picture at the original fine resolution. If you had trashed down the size and resolution on the camera, that crop would look like a coarse stamp. So, in summary, ALWAYS leave the camera set for highest resolution and largest size, and process the picture afterward. Have FUN! DearWebby
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit HER sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, MY sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived. One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over. "Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Preserving Game Boards and Pieces When my family purchases new games with game boards, before they play the first game, I use wide, clear packing tape and reinforce corners of both the bottom and top of the game box, and any inserts inside the box. I also place a strip of tape down the back side of the folded gameboard to give it extra strength - no more broken boards or untidy, ruined boxes! I then place as many as needed ziplock bags into the box to store games pieces after use. This really extends the life of the game for many generations! Games are expensive these days - try it! By Tracey from Thomasville, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A little boy's mother decides that it's time her 10-year- old son has a savings account so that she can teach him the value of saving. The boy agrees, and the two of them go to the bank together. When they get there, the mother says, "It's your account, so you fill out the application." The boy is doing fine until he comes to the space for "Name of your former bank." He pauses to think, then scribbles, "Piggy."
» Wildlife
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Dear Webby, are X10 caeras any good? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  September 13, 2009


Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. --- Fran Lebowitz Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. --- Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. --- B. F. Skinner
An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few years later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. He stopped to talk to him: "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said 'you've got a heart murmur.Be careful'."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to 4 klutzy thieves in Bennington, Vermont. Thanks to Tom for sending this info: One way to infamy Four people were arrested over the weekend after trying to take a 100 percent stake in a large chili pepper. They were trying to steal the green and red chili pepper logo from the roof of a Chili's restaurant in Bennington, Vermont. And that is our last word in business today: hot property. The heist involved 470 feet of extension cord. They ran it from an outlet at the Home Depot across four lanes of traffic and up to the roof of the restaurant. One of the thieves was using an electric drill to try and remove the logo from the roof of the restaurant, but the alarm system went off - who knew that the chili pepper would be alarmed - went off around 4:30 in the morning alerting police. One suspect allegedly wanted to give a friend that red hot chili pepper. They are in jail now.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Anna Re: Are X10 cameras any good? Dear Webby How good are those wireless X10 cameras? I saw an ad that had six cameras with turn and tilt and an interface to TV, PC and the Internet for about $300. Could they be used for nature photography? And how good are their low light cameras? Anna Dear Anna Those cameras are definitely not for Big Screen movies. They are security grade cameras, they show what is going on and people are recognizable and identifyable. Naturally, at that price and size and wireless technology, the pictures are rather coarse. The low light zoom camera is totally unbelievable. Moonlight or a quarter mile away street light makes the scene look like daylight. Again, picture quality is not suitable for high gloss fashion magazines, but you can definitely recognize and identify people, or see what kind of mischief the kids are up to out in the dark yard, while you are doing your emails. Nature photographers love them, because they are wireless, easy to set up, -just lay them on a rock or tree branch-, and use them to observe and plan, or to see when to hit the remote control for their big $5000 camera, The big $5000 camera is not limited by what can be transmitted in real time. It stores the high res pictures on a 16 GB memory chip in the camera. As long as you use them the way they were intended to be used, you will be quite impressed. Have FUN! DearWebby
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Apartment Hunting Tips When I search for a new apartment I keep the following things I want in mind: 1. Opt for no corner units as you are heating and cooling 2 walls instead of one and there is no wind-break on corner units. Try choosing a unit in the middle of the building. 2. Most apartments only have windows, patio doors on one side of the unit (unless of course you choose a corner unit); so by choosing a unit that does not face the West and is in the middle of the building (especially in the summer) you do not get the direct heat of the afternoon sun; therefore helping save on your A/C (electric) bill. By Donna from Roanoke, TX Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard." "So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen. The guide replied, "One."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and politely asks: "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said 'You look fat in those pants'."
» Luberon Valley
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Dear Webby, I can not transfer scans from printer to computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  September 12, 2009


"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family .... in another city." --- George Burns There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. --- Mark Twain Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them. --- Paul Valery
Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!" A couple of days later someone added one word, "Why?"
Thanks to Roland for this picture
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Seth Joiner, 32, of Fort Pierce, FL One way to infamy STUART — A pink “Salt Life” bumper sticker played a key role in helping investigators apprehend a Fort Pierce man accused of robbing a pharmacy of prescription drugs, a police spokesman said Thursday. Seth Joiner, who turns 32 Thursday, entered the CVS pharmacy in the 2600 block of Northwest Federal Highway on Tuesday and announced a robbery, police said. He demanded oxycodone pills and threatened the pharmacist with a knife before fleeing in a four door teal green Honda with a pink “Salt Life” bumper sticker — details noted in a news release issued with a surveillance photo of the suspect after the incident. “I guess marketing is everything,” Sgt. Marty Jacobson said Thursday. “Someone saw that bumper sticker and recognized that car.” Tipsters contacted authorities, and a detective following up on those tips ended up arresting Joiner, of the 1100 block of Binney Drive in Fort Pierce, on Wednesday. “It was the pink bumper sticker in the back window . . . that jarred the caller to call us,” Jacobson said. Jacobson said Joiner, who was booked into the St. Lucie County jail, confessed to the crime. Joiner pretended to be a customer before donning a stocking mask and gloves and approaching the pharmacist, police said. Joiner faces charges including two counts of aggravated assault and single counts each of trafficking in oxycodone and robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Paul Re: Can not transfer scans from printer Dear Webby This box appears at every startup. Cannot find this (0x800106ba.) anywhere. nothing I can find in startup program. a red X. Then: application failed to initialize: 0x800106ba. a probem caused this service to stop. restart etc. now : I cannot scan or copy from my HP Photosmart C6180 printer to my computor. It ind. that there is no "location " to copy to. Have deleted and reinstalled the software and drivers from the disk from HP. In that process I found no location to enter one. any words of wisdom?? oh da--...... forgot to mention have Vista home. Now you won't talk to me ?? Paul Dear Paul Even before you mentioned dumpster-ware, I suspected SP3 or Vista. That problem happens to 20% of XP-SP3 and Vista users. Apparently Microsoft is happy that 80% don't have that problem, and HP has pretty well the same attitude. They are not planning to write new drivers for machines, that have already been paid for. If you connect the printer to an old XP, it will transfer scans just fine. The solution is to format an old XP klunker, re-install XP, network it to the machine with dumpster-ware, and use it as a print server and for back-ups, and whenever you need a fast and reliable machine. You can use a KVM switch (Keyboard / Video / Mouse) that lets you operate both machines with just one keyboard, monitor and mouse. You simply hit ALT and NUM-LOCK, and keyboard, monitor and mouse toggle to the other machine. Yeah, I know, it's pretty sad, when you have to use your old truck instead of the shiny, new sidewalk scooter, but at least it works. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man's best friend dies, so he calls the nearest flower shop to order a wreath of flowers to be displayed at the wake. "Put an extra-wide ribbon on it," he tells the clerk. "Print 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and, if there is room, 'We Shall Meet in Heaven.'" The clerk assures him that his order will be carried out and the wreath promptly delivered to the funeral home. Sure enough, the wreath arrives and is set up next to the casket. But the mourners are stunned when they see it. On the extra-wide ribbon is the inscription, "Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet in Heaven."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use a Hanging Towel in the Kitchen To save on paper towels, and land fill. Tie a hanging towel in the kitchen. They are hard to find, but easy to make. I use mine, when cooking and cleaning the whole time. I have been dong this to save money, for years. By Laura from Spartanburg, S.C. Laura, they are not hard to find at all, if you look for "Kitchen Towel". It's just the name "Hanging Towel", that has gone out of fashion. For example Home Depot sells 10-packs of kitchen towels for $12, but often puts them on sale for a lot less. Sawed off Jeans legs work quite well too. Just split them apart at the seams, bleach them and dye them whatever color you want. Old Jeans are extremely absorbent and can take any kitchen abuse. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising on the web) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, a bluehaired lady punched him square in the jaw, and knocked him around a bit, before he was thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
» Hubble 09/09/09
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Dear Webby: AOL blocking sites 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  September 11, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

What were you doing this morning, 8 years ago, 
when the world changed?

I will always remember that morning, 8years ago today,
when all phones started ringing, just as the music got cut in mid song
on the radio and the morning DJ blurted and stuttered about the attack.
And everybody on the phone had the same message. And the emails
poured in like crazy! Within minutes people were sending pictures 
and movie clips of the attack. And I was just as frantically sending
them on.

Even though I was shocked by the cowardly attack, what affected 
me the most was how everybody pulled together instantly. 
All over the world! For example, the first picture I got from 
a client in Europe. On THAT day, there was unity.

DearWebby

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint Exupery "Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." - Chinese Proverb
On a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight......" and continued after a brief pause, "to anybody, except the crew of the plane."
California wild fires
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Gilles Catoire, mayor of Clichy-la-Garenne, France One way to infamy Patrick Balkany, the conservative mayor of Levallois-Perret, made the D909 one-way to cut the commuter traffic flowing through his district. But Gilles Catoire, the Socialist mayor of neighbouring Clichy-la-Garenne, complained this increased congestion in his area. So he declared his section of the road one-way, but in the opposite direction, reports the Daily Telegraph. With contradictory road-signs in place, police had to be called in to sort out the resulting commuter chaos, road rage and gridlock. Patrick Strzoda , the governor of the Hauts-de-Seine departement, has now ruled that Mr Balkany was in the right and that Catoire needs to smarten up.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jerome Re: AOL blocking sites Thanks to Jerome from http://www.spiritscents.com/postcard.html for some good advice for Charlotte, Irene, Myrna and all those who use free or almost free AOL accounts, and are getting harassed and censored by AOL: Dear Webby I have been getting e-mails from my customers about this AOL censoring for about four or five months now. And of course if you talk to their "tech" support, (Mujibar bin Taliban), they aren't censoring anything. I have found that it is only through the AOL browser, that they can censor the card sites. If the person uses Internet Exploder, or FireFox, Opera or any other browser it works perfectly well. So it is definitely something in the AOL front end censorship causing the problem. Take care and have a great day! Jerome Maybe AOL is trying to ease them out gently, and preparing them for the real Internet? Have FUN! DearWebby
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? My bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ripening Tomatoes Ripen homegrown tomatoes on a rubber shelf liner. We bought our house 2 years ago and the woman that lived here before me left her rubber shelf liners. I hated the stuff, but also hated to throw it away. I came up with this idea. The rubber cushions the tomatoes and the holes let air circulate around them. It also keeps the tomatoes from sitting in juice from a weepy tomato. You can also put towels, newspaper or paper towels under the rubber liner to soak up the juice from the weepers. When it gets dirty, just throw it in the washing machine with a little bleach. Happy Summer bounty everyone! By Jessie Lou from Wooster, AR Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Last night a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the Taliban jokes we knew. After a while I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey you! I'm Afghan and I don't like you telling all those Afghani jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, just about Taliban." "My mother is in Afghanistan!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. For a moment there I was quite concerned. I wasn't sure what he would have done, if he had found a place to plug it in!
» Folk Art
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Dear Webby: AOL censoring sites 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  September 10, 2009

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you. --- Eric Hoffer If we don't change direction, we'll end up where we're going. --- Socratex
An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything. An elderly station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "very much". What'd he say?, asked the woman. "He asked if I like the weather, and I told him yes", replied her husband. "Where are you-all headed", asked the attendant. "Oh, we're going to Jacksonville", he repied. "What'd he say?", asked the woman. "He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied. "Where are you-all from", inquired the attendant a few moments later. "Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied. "Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, that girl was the worst cook I ever knew." "What'd he say?" inquired the woman. "He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "You are looking just fine, don't worry."
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: North Country
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Stephfon Bennett, 20, of Columbus, Ohio Robber returns to ask for a date COLUMBUS, Ohio — Police said they arrested a robber on Sunday after he returned to his victim's home to ask her out on a date. According to investigators, Stephfon Bennett was one of three men who robbed a couple on the city's north side late Sunday night, 10TV News reported. Less than two hours after the robbery, police said that Bennett, 20, returned to the home and asked Diana Martinez out on a date. "We are not exactly sure what he was thinking at the time," said Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird. "She recognized him right away when he returned and was able to have her cousin call 911." Martinez told 10TV News that Bennett asked her if she had a boyfriend and wanted to go out on a date. Officers arrived and arrested Bennett in front of the house, police said. Stephfon Bennett faces aggravated robbery charges. The other two men suspected of breaking into the home remained at-large.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Charlotte Re: Can't get to Hicards Hello, you have a problem with your site can not get on line with your ecards. Charlotte Dear Charlotte You have to either ask AOL support to stop blocking you from going to http://hicards.com, or visit a friend, who is not handicapped by AOL. Anybody, who is on the real Internet, can go to http://hicards.com without any problem whatsoever. http://hicards.com does not block anybody. Hicards is a clean, family safe site and welcomes anybody and everybody, without any exception. I have no idea why AOL is blocking you from going to http://hicards.com. That is strictly between AOL and you. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said "No". God again went down and came up with a silver axe." "Is this your axe?", God asked. The wood cutter said "No". God went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. The wood cutter said "Yes". God was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "My wife has fallen into water." God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked. "Yes", he said. God was furious. "You cheat! I will curse you......", God scolded. He quickly said, "Forgive me My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say "No" to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say "No" to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say "Yes". Then you will give all the three to me. I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all three. So that's why I had to say "Yes" before things got too expensive!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"So you claim this man just walked up and hit you with malice forethought?" asked the lawyer. "Look, smart alec, I know all about you lawyers and your tricks. You can't mix me up that easy," replied the elderly man. "I said he hit me with his fist, and I'm sticking to it."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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"How's your mother," a friend asked. "Not good," I answered. "She's got chronic frontal sinusitis." "My goodness," the friend said. "Where did she get that?" "Reader's Digest. Last month's issue."
» Stone home, 700 years ol
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Dear Webby, my PC is slowing down! 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  September 9, 2009


To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. --- Voltaire One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. --- Will Durant
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, exactly the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Jill chewed out her husband at the company Thanksgiving picnic. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I tell them I'm just filling up the plate for you!"
Thanks to Gary for this picture: Friendly BBQ inspectors at Lake Merwin on the Lewis River in SW Washington not far from Mt. St. Helens
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Latreasa Goodman, 27, of FORT PIERCE, Fla 911 call because McDonalds was out of Chicken Nuggets Angered that her local McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets, a Florida woman called 911 three times to report the fast food "emergency." Latreasa Goodman, 27, called police to complain that a cashier would not give her a refund. When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I had known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." She was arrested and the Police pressed charges for misusing the 911 system.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Hank Re: PC slowing down Dear Webby, My PC has come down with the slows. I use Uniblue Registry cleaner. I have tried cleaning up everything and trying everything I can Think of. I do not have a fast system as my PC is several years old. I use Firefox. I was doing just fine until a week or so ago and not everything Hangs up or works like molasses in winter. I would appreciate any help you can offer Thanks again! Hank Dear Hank Age means nothing to a PC. My five or six year old XP PC runs circles around any brand new Vista machine. I realize that some recent Microsoft patches slowed things down a bit, maybe they are trying to slow XP down to the speed of Vista, but it is still quite acceptable. What are you using to defrag the hard drive? I use DisKeeper, and have for many years. If you keep about 20% of the hard drive free and use DisKeeper, you will see a very noticeable increase in speed. Naturally, I also use CrapCleaner to keep the RAM clean. You might also check your email program and weed out old attachment and embedded stuff. That can really bog things down. And keep the IN, OUT and TRASH folders reasonably small. Have FUN! DearWebby





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Dear Webby: How to transfer pictures from the camera to the computer 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  September 8, 2009


An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. --- Margaret Thatcher Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right. --- Kurt Herbert Alder Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. --- Mark Twain
Thanks to Sandie for this one: I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoringthe sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express line pushinga cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forwardlooked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?' ----------------- Something similar happened at the store where I shop. The cashier processed six items, then hit some key that shut the till down and closed the exit gate, and said, she had to go look for the manager to get special authorization to process more items than the lane allowed. And left. I did too. Met Mary, the cashier, outside in the smoker's nook and shared a good laugh. When Mary told me that she was the shift manager, we lit up a second smoke. By the time we got back inside, the 250 item bimbo had gone to a different till.
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "Can't trust anybody anymore!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture: That'll do for lunch. Then we'll get serious.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Scott T. Loher, 21, of Croydon, Pennsylvania Habitual Robber no match for 80 year old wellness fan. A violent would-be robber beat and threatened to kill an elderly man while trying to steal the 80-year-old’s car in the parking lot of the Wellness Center in Warrington Monday night, police said. Scott T. Loher, 21, who police described as being formerly of Croydon, was arrested shortly after fleeing the scene of the 9 p.m. assault on the 800 block of Easton Road/Route 611. According to authorities, Loher approached the victim as he walked to his vehicle and demanded the elderly man’s car keys. Loher told the man he would shoot and stab him if he didn’t surrender the keys. The man refused, and Loher launched an assault that resulted in a bone in the man’s face getting fractured, said police. The victim was treated and released from an area medical facility, according to police. Loher was sent to Bucks County Prison following an arraignment before on-call District Judge C. Robert Roth, who set bail at $50,000. Loher is charged with the following felonies: robbery, robbery of a motor vehicle, theft by unlawful taking and attempted theft by unlawful taking. He also faces a misdemeanor simple assault charge.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marnie Re: Transferring pictures from the camera Dear Webby Once upon a time, long, long ago, you mentioned the right way to transfer pictures from a camera. Since I didn't have a digital camera then, I didn't pay attention. Now I do, and need that info. Thanks Marnie Dear Marnie The best way is to take the memory chip out of the camera, and sticking it into the chip reader slot on the computer or into a chip reader plugged into a USB port. If you connect the camera with it's 6 Volt system to the 5 Volt system of the USB connector, the camera will try to charge the computer up to 6 Volts. Naturally, the camera batteries lose that battle and they get drained down to 5 Volts in seconds. They still work, but that valuable top is gone, and the number of pictures you can take on that charge or set of batteries, is drastically reduced. Have FUN! DearWebby
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long. A young mother boarded with her 4-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding. "What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her own business.) I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?" (Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit down.) I said, "They are for my secretary". She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of them, too! You WEALLY must have squewed up!" Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except Mom, who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Using Less Toilet Tissue Sometimes (especially for children), it's easy to use more toilet paper than you really need. Although I don't have kids, I've found I use a lot less toilet paper by keeping a bean bag (or something similar) laying on top of the toilet roll. The bean bag just needs to be lifted slightly when you pull off the sheets you need and it makes me conscious of what I'm doing! Source: Just trying to save a few pennies here and there! By Peggy G. from Yulan, New York Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a better paying position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church." The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there." The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket." The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out." "Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."
» Sounds of UK
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Dear Webby: camera batteries don't last 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  September 7, 2009


Happy Labor Day! If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --- Doug Lars It is a curious thing... that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste. --- Evelyn Waugh You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but can prevent them from building their nest on it. --- Socratex
A city lot was fenced off and a big 962 loader was busy excavating and loading trucks one scoop per truck. Amongst the people watching from the sidewalk, an old union man complained: "That is taking bread out of the mouths of union people's kids! A hundred good men with wheel barrows could do that work." A little old lady standing there replied enthusiastically:" Yeah, or a thousand with soup spoons and buckets!"
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher who had more enthusiasm than experience with the new echo-cancelling lapel microphone, raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Bwothers and sifters, if hare are any among yooo, who have committed adultewy, may your tongue stick to the woof of youw mouf!"
Just-Friends
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lorna Jeanne Dudash, 51, of Aloha, Oregon 911 abused to get a date A woman in Aloha, Oregon, called 911 because she thought a deputy who had just visited her house on a complaint was good-looking. After her neighbors reported a noise complaint, two sheriff's deputies knocked on Lorna Jeanne Dudash's door. One of them caught her eye. When they left, Dudash dialed 9-1-1 in a desperate attempt to get the deputy she described to dispatchers as “a cutie pie” to return. She said that she didn't have an emergency; she just wanted the dispatcher to “throw the cute one back her way”. The “cute” deputy returned, and, once he determined there was no legitimate emergency, he arrested Dudash for misusing 9-1-1. He now has her complete contact information. Dudash faces a fine of up to several thousand dollars and up to a year in jail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Eddie Re: Camera batteries don't last Dear Webby I bought the Canon PowerShot that you recommended some time ago. It works great, but it eats batteries like my wife eats diet pills. Even though I am buying the cheapest batteries I can find, it is starting to get rather expensive. Is that a common problem with that camera? Eddie Dear Eddie No, that is a problem with cheapscates. Camers need a reliable, steady and fairly high voltage. Cheap batteries drop in a fairly straight line, and for low power applications like a clock or digital thermometer will often last longer than expensive batteries. However, in demanding applications like cameras, that need a burst of real power to drive the lens carriage out, the voltage quickly drops below the level that the camera electronics need. When the camera tells you to replace the battery, a cheap Alkaline battery will still power a digital thermometer for a year. Expensive batteries like CopperTops or Energizer Platinum stay high in an almost flat line for a long time, and then drop steeply. Once they drop, they are garbage. They stay up and usable in a camera four to five times as long as cheap batteries. But they cost only twice as much as cheap batteries. So you save money buying the more expensive ones. You save even more by buying really expensive Nickel Metal Hydride rechargeable batteries. They stay flat on top even longer than copper-tops, then fall like switched off. After that, you can re-charge them, again and again. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man started to snore in his seat at the opera. "Please stop snoring," the usher pleaded. "You are disturbing the others." "Look, buddy," the man said angrily, "I paid for this seat and I'll do whatever I want." "Yes Sir," said the usher. "But you are keeping everybody awake."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free TV at Hulu.com Hulu.com is a free website where you can watch movies, TV shows, missed episodes; all for free with no membership. By Diane from Denver, CO Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation. "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A young preacher was once contacted by the local funeral director to fill in last-minute and hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery, for someone who had died with no family or friends. The preacher started early and set out on the rural route, but quickly ended up lost after making several wrong turns on poorly-mapped country roads. He finally arrived a half-hour late, and saw that the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch in the field. The pastor walked to to the open grave and found the vault lid already closed and in place. Taking out his book, he proceeded to read the service to commit the soul to eternity. As he was returning to his car, one of the workmen turned to the other and said, "Do you think maybe we should tell him that was the septic tank...?"
» Belize
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Dear Webby: Blog versus web site 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  September 6, 2009


Men who never get carried away should be. -- Malcolm Forbes
Father: "Son, I'm very worried about you being at the bottom of your class." Son: "Don't fret Dad. They teach the same stuff to both ends."
In a way, colleges & insane asylums are both mental institutions. The major difference being you have to show some improvement to "graduate" from an asylum.
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture: Chinese-Raccoon-Dog
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Lloyd Virgil Barclay, 51, of Philadelphia, PA Robber left wallet and ID at the bank BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) - Authorities in eastern Pennsylvania say they have identified a suspected bank robber using the wallet he left behind. Bethlehem police say 51-year-old Lloyd Virgil Barclay held up a KNBT branch on Wednesday morning, making off with $800. But Barclay forgot his wallet, which police say he placed on the teller's counter when he presented a note demanding money. The wallet had two photo IDs, a Social Security card and a Philadelphia criminal registration card. Police say the ID pictures match Barclay's image in surveillance footage. Barclay, of Philadelphia, has been charged with robbery and other offenses. He is black, 5 feet 8 inches or 5 feet 9 inches tall with a gold tooth in the front of his mouth. He was carrying a purple backpack, wearing a Baltimore Ravens baseball hat, and is expected to show up at another are bank soon.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lucille Re: Blog versus web site Dear Webby 'splain to me the difference between a Blog and a Web Site, in the concise and short way only an ornery old curmudgeon like you can do it. Lu Dear Lucille In short, a blog is a Blimey LOG, not a web site, even though some thilly twits, who can't afford a web site, are trying to use a blog as a poor kid's substitute for a site. . A blog is a travel-log, diary, scratch pad, where you casually record the events of the hour or the day, stuff that you might forget by the time you get home. Some of the best Blog ramblings MIGHT make it onto the site, and get framed properly there, for thousands of generations to enjoy, but most of the blog is just disconnected ramblings. Just like a diary, a blog is organized CHRONOLOGICALLY. You can make references and links to your site, proper, where stuff is organized thematically. That is the modus operandi for the blog. To send people to your site! On the blog you giggle and laugh and joke and show cleavage, and entertain the folks. And when their resistance is down, then you sneak in a few links to your site, proper. Trying to pervert a blog into a thematically organized site substitute is thilly. There should be absolutely no duplication of the site, but lots of references to it. Have FUN! DearWebby
During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means --- "Annnnnd They're Offf, racing for the parking lot!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Saving a Part of Your Budget Make saving a fixed part of your budget. Determine a reasonable amount of money each month and have it automatically deposited into a savings account. Deposit the money into a federally insured online savings account and you can earn as much as 5% on your money. Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6 year old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!" "Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss." Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you have to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"
» Mountains Away
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Dear Webby, is Snopes credible? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  September 5, 2009


Happiness is a way station between to little and too much. --- Channing Pollock
Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment, then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, Peter and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months." Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, "Who told you about us!?""Who told you about us!?"
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the data entry tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true, Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bank of America in Tampa, Florida Dumber than dirt bank Bank turns away man who couldn't provide thumbprint TAMPA, Florida -- A Florida man born without arms says a Tampa bank would not let him cash a check because he couldn't provide a thumbprint. Steve Valdez didn't have an account at a Bank of America location in downtown Tampa, where he tried to cash a check from his wife last week. However, Valdez has prosthetic arms and is unable to provide a thumbprint. He says he presented two forms of identification but was still denied. He tells the St. Petersburg Times a bank manager told him he could either come back to the bank with his wife or open an account himself. Bank of America spokeswoman Nicole Nastacie says the bank has apologized to Valdez. Nastacie says the bank should have "offered alternative requirements if an individual is not able to give a thumbprint."
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Jack Re: Snopes Dear Webby I have enjoyed your site used your links and even bought stuff from your advertisers. I have asked other COMPUTER questions, but I don't know where to go with this. I have used this site for years blindly, now this. I really respect your opinion. Do you know anything about this site? Thank You for all your work and knowledge over the years. I am a loyal reader and fan of yours Jack Falk Fwd: Snopes Snopes--Eye Opener Dear Jack Snopes has lost all credibility during the last election campaign, when they revealed themselves as rabid and hysterical pinko socialists, and deliberately bent the truth a few times too often. http://truthorfiction.com/ is much more accurate, and they don't try to twist everything to a Socialist / Communist slant. Have FUN! DearWebby
During an award ceremony the wife of Spain's ambassador to Washington asked former Sen. George Mitchell if he could make his speech a bit longer, since the ambassador had still not arrived from the airport. Mitchell replied: "I spent years in the U.S. Senate, Madam. I can speak on any subject for any length of time -- usually on a subject about which I have no particular knowledge."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Quick Homemade Waffles I have an eight year old and we're always rushed on school mornings, so I make up a batch of waffles ahead of time and freeze them in individual serving sizes. Then you take them out of the freezer and put them in the toaster and they come out awesome! They're crispy and chewy and my son loves them! By Julie Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

"Eight long years of college." moaned the budding Yuppette from behind the counter at McDonalds. "And just who has it gotten me?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A student comes back to the dorm and finds his roommate near tears. "What's the matter, pal?" he asked. "I wrote home for my parents to send money, so that I could buy a laptop. They sent me the laptop." he moaned.
» Cowboys
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Dear Webby: Free windmill 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  September 4, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous. --- Robert G. Ingersoll The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. --- Will Rogers
A real estate salesman has just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he has sold is completely under water. "That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he says to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" the boss roars. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that short rake again?"
Thanks to Ross for this picture: Don't worry, it's just Scientists studying how to get grants.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Thomas Zeilinski, 22 in jail in Michigan Robber sues victims CLINTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. - The criminal is finding new and legal ways to victimize the people he ripped off and threatened to kill. "Ridiculous," says a loyal and longtime customer of Nick's Short Stop Party Store regarding 22-year-old Scott Thomas Zeilinski decision to sue the store owner and some of the clerks after he, Zeilinski, was shot during an armed robbery. Zeilinski is serving an 8-22 year sentence for the robbery that happened in November of 2007. According to police and court records, Zeilinski came in wearing a mask and carrying a knife that he put to the throats of several employees, threatening to kill them before stealing cigarettes and cash. As he was leaving--reportedly still making threats--one of the young clerks grabbed a gun and shot him in the arm and back. Zeilinski's lawyer says his client is asking in excess of $125,000 for pain and suffering and emotional distress. Since the robbery the store owner has spent thousands of dollars on security to keep his employees safe. He says he is hoping nothing like this ever happens again. Zelinski says the incident "ruined his life" and believes the store is responsible for it.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandra Re: Sunforce wind generator Dear Webby A friend sent me a link to people-choice-sites.com and their offer of a free windmill. I know they are outright lying, when they claim that it "is also a great choice for powering pumps or charging batteries for large power demands", but I am wondering if it would charge my cell phone during power outages. You used to build windmills, so you should know. And would it be worth the hassle? Sandra Dear Sandra It MAY keep your phone charged, espeially since in your area power outages are usually due to high wind. If the wind is high enough, it may even power the pump in a small indoor aquarium. It is more decoration than anything else. However, a cutesy fence-topper like that is most definitely not worth the hassle of THAT site. That site requires you to surrender all your private information, AND participate in surveys, AND joining programs, AND buying all kinds of stuff you wouldn't buy otherwise. I didn't even finish reading all the requirements. I would not touch that deal with a ten foot pole on remote control! If you DO want a little 400 Watt fence topper, look on eBay. There are bound to be used ones available cheap. With small windmills, forget the claimed top output, that you MIGHT get once a century. 5% - 10% of what they claim as "up to", is a more realistic average, especially in an urban setting. Have FUN! DearWebby
My parents have a friend named Tex. One day I asked him what part of Texas he was from. "I'm not from Texas," he replied. "But you have a Southern drawl," I insisted. "Yeah, I do," he admitted. "I'm actually from Louisiana. But you better not call me Louise!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Test New Plants Before Transplanting If you have little experience with a newly-purchased plant, try it out in its new spot for a few days still in its nursery pot. Be careful to keep it watered as the label directs, and watch it for signs of stress. The spot you've planned for it may not be right for that type of plant. By Cinnamon from Williams Lake, BC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the smiling bride arriving at the church, the happily laughing bride at the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "it's like halloween, right, but backwards. Mommy put on a nice disguise so that you would not see how scarey she really is. "
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After a long and arduous divorce trial that dragged on for weeks and cost him everything except the clothes he wore, on the way out of the court George was reminded of a phrase in an old song: "being free is nothing left to lose". He realized the truth in that and started laughing and shouting as he skipped down the sidewalk. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm almoft four."
» Earth cam
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Dear Webby, How do I shrink the taskbar? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  September 3, 2009

"Health officials revealed that criminals in British jails actually have a better diet than patients in British hospitals. Of course, both of those groups are eating better than people in British restaurants." --- Jimmy Fallon Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. --- Oscar Levant Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. --- Albert Schweitzer
Twohundred pound Nancy is five feet, two inches tall and considers herself pleasingly plump. After she had a minor accident, her mother accompanied her to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for her height and weight, and she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 115 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, her mother leaned over and whispered to her: "Nancy," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
A nearsighted minister glances at the note that a member of the congregation has delivered to him through an usher. The note reads, "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, the minister startles his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: "Did ya see that squirrel invading OUR neighborhood?"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Olman Mencia, 21, of Atlantic City, New Jersey; his brother Marvin Mencia, 22, of Egg Harbor, New Jersey; and brother and sister Jeffrey Johnson, 21, and Ciara Johnson, 20, also of Atlantic City. Robbers left keys to getaway car in the bank The practical, fuel efficient Chevrolet Aveo can save you money both on the purchase price and the gasoline it sips in use. The four-door sedan seats four, and the hatchback offers easily accessible load space for canvas sacks stuffed with banknotes. But if you're going to use it for a getaway, hang onto your car keys after you rob that bank. Neglecting that handy hint landed a gang of four robbers in the clink in the town of Bear, Delaware, yesterday, after one of them locked the keys to his Chevrolet Aveo in the bank they had just robbed. Three men wearing wigs, along with one woman, entered the Artisans Bank yesterday morning just after 9 am. They fired a shot into the ceiling, tied up two employees with duct tape, and herded six others into a bathroom. After forcing an employee to get money from the vault and teller drawers, they fled--leaving the car keys inside. Once they realized they couldn't get back inside, the female getaway driver pulled up in a Ford Escort and sped them away. Police stopped the Ford soon thereafter, and arrested Olman Mencia, 21, of Atlantic City, New Jersey; his brother Marvin Mencia, 22, of Egg Harbor, New Jersey; and brother and sister Jeffrey Johnson, 21, and Ciara Johnson, 20, also of Atlantic City. The four racked up six counts of robbery, eight kidnapping offenses, and further charges of aggravated menacing, conspiracy, weapons offenses and wearing a disguise during the commission of a felony. They won't be worrying about fuel efficiency and car keys for a while.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: How do I shrink the taskbar? Dear Webby I had the same probelm before w/ my taskbar on the side & thanks to your tip I was able to bet it back across the bottom. But since then some how my taskbar has doubled in size. I tried dragging it completely down to where it has diaappeared & then very slowly tried moving it back up but everytime I do it still comes up doubled in size. I cannot get it back down to a small size. I even tried restoring it back to a day before this happened. Any tips on how to correct this problem? Thanks so much for your help & laughter Sharon Dear Sharon Close as many programs as possible and clear as much empty gray space on the task bar as possible. Also weed out the Quick Launch portion and use the Quick Launch just for programs that you use at least once EVERY day. Then right-click the taskbar and ensure that "lock taskbar" is not enabled. Then hover your mouse over the edge of the taskbar until you get a double-arrow cursor (the "resize" cursor). Then click and drag downwards slowly. Once you have the task bar the size you want, it's best to keep the task bar locked when you're not intentionally trying to move or size it. That way, you won't accidentally move or size the task bar, when you bat the mouse out of the way of the cookie tray. Have FUN! DearWebby
A college student who has left his dorm and moved into an apartment goes to a grocery store to shop for cleaning equipment. As he makes his way through the aisles of the store, he loads his cart with a broom, mop, dustpan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute, he tops it all off with a lone food purchase -- a large bag of potato chips. When he gets to the checkout counter, he sees the checkout clerk eying it all with a puzzled look. Says the young man, "I'm a very messy eater."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Lint Roller To Clean Up Thread When sewing if you need to rip out your work, when you are done run a lint roller over the thread and all the little pieces come right out. By Barat from Crystal Lake, IL Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

What's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I was the only one catching any fish!"
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While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of arguments, the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position. As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from it!! " The sheepish-looking game warden just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle and ticket book off of it!"
» Strange Houses
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Deare Webby, how do I move the task bar? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  September 2, 2009

"In our factory, we make lipstick. In our advertising, we sell hope." --- Charles Revson "Our limitations and success will be based, most often, on our own expectations for ourselves. What the mind dwells upon, the body acts upon." --- Denis Waitley My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature. Time to get a new one. ---Kevin Hench
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said, as of the time they did the test, you have only 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you to tell you about that since last October.
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two guys are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two guys just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first guy turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 23 year old Alabama man in Florida Customer runs out on Hooters bill, hides under bed CRESTVIEW – An Alabama man was accused of retail theft after skipping out on a $188 bar bill at the Crestview Hooters. A Hooters employee told an officer from the Crestview Police Department that she had confronted the man with the rising bill, and he told her that he would pay for it. When the server went back to his table after presenting the ticket, he was gone. No money was left. The man, who is 23, had told the server he was staying at the Super 8 Motel. The officer contacted the motel and spoke with one of the man’s co-workers, who advised that the perpetrator was staying in room 145. A man in room 145, as well as people in all five rooms the man’s employer had rented, told the officer that they didn’t know the location of the perpetrator at the time, according to his Crestview Police Department arrest report. After all the trucks used by the perpetrator’s employer had left the motel, the officer observed the door of room 145 open slightly and close abruptly. After knocking and announcing himself, the officer received no response, but saw a shadow moving back or forth in the window. The officer then called for the front desk clerk to open the door. He found the perpetrator lying on his back, on the floor, under the trundle bed, according to the incident report. The perpetrator told the officer that he did not know the bill wasn’t paid for when he left. He stated that several people were drinking with him, and he did not think his bill should’ve been that high. He stated that he hid under the bed because he was scared. The Alabama man was arrested and charged with resisting an officer without violence and retail theft.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Annette Re: How do I move the taskbar? Dear Webby My task bar is supposed to be at the bottom of my screen but now it is on the right hand side of my screen, how can I get it back to the bottom? You you have always been so helpful, I will be forever grateful to you, thanks, Annette Dear Annette Close enough programs so that you see some empty gray space on the task bar. Then grab it with the mouse and drag it towards the bottom. It does not drag like other stuff, but appears like it was stuck, and then suddenly snaps to the bottom, when the dragging cursor reaches the bottom. Have FUN! DearWebby
A boy was smoking and blowing smoke rings into the air. A girl standing next to him got irritated with the smoke and said to the boy: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarette package, smoking may be bad for your health" ? The boy replied: "I am a software engineer. we don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" The husband looks up and replies, "no, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "practicing? Practicing for what?" Then the husband says, "Tomorrow my suspension is over and I can go play golf again!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. Port, however, it makes me fart."
» Funny Critters
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Dear Webby: Getting through 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  September 1, 2009

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler "Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company." -- Scott Adams Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. -- Cyril Connolly
Once I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." The man replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light, and I don't talk to dumb poles without a light!"
Two Elderly Ladies were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
Thanks to my dad for sending these pictures from the mountain he hiked today. More pictures are at http://dawna.com. unfortunately none showing him. He can't seem to persuade anybody to go hiking with him. Buncha woossies! Above the summer haze
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Bryant Rather, 22, of West Mifflin, Brent Ray Potter, 22, of Swissvale, and Myron Knox, Jr., 22, of Homewood, PA Thanks to Deeli for sending this report Read more: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09242/994329-455.stm Robbers were GPS'd Victim uses GPS to track robbers Sunday, August 30, 2009 By Kaitlynn Riely, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette Using a computer to tap into the GPS function of his cell phone, a man directed police to the location of the men he said robbed him early yesterday in Shadyside. The victim, who was not identified by police, said two men approached him at about 1 a.m. near the intersection of Amberson Avenue and Amberson Place. He told police the men demanded his wallet and asked for his PIN number for his credit cards; one of the men also showed what appeared to be a handgun. The man told police he turned over his wallet, his PIN number and his iPhone before running away toward Ellsworth Avenue. Officers arrived while he was contacting his bank to cancel his cards. The man later used his computer to track the location of his iPhone to a Wal-Mart in North Versailles, where police said the suspects purchased items with his stolen credit card before moving on to an Eat'n Park restaurant on Route 30. North Versailles police detained the suspects at a gas station. Police said they recovered a black pellet gun, as well as stolen identification, credit cards and cash. Police said they will charge Bryant Rather, 22, of West Mifflin, Brent Ray Potter, 22, of Swissvale, and Myron Knox, Jr., 22, of Homewood, with two counts each of access device fraud, conspiracy, receiving stolen property and possessing instruments of crime. Mr. Rather and Mr. Potter will also be charged with robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Marie Re: Getting through Dear Webby I know this isn't really Internet related, but you have answered other business questions before. My problem is that when I call somebody about a shipping or billing problem or anything like that, especially if it is long distance and I use Skype, then I often get treated as if I was a telemarketer. What can I do to get a decent response? Marie Dear Marie Here are some tips that will work: Unlike telemarketers, say your name and the name of your company V E R Y slowly and clearly. Don't rattle it off as if you had already done it a thousand times this week. NEVER ask for the owner, even if you eventually want to talk to the owner. Usually you don't, though. Normally the owner is not the one who handles the day to day details. Telemarketers always ask for the owner or advertising manager or financial manager. When I hear that, I hang up. Do the opposite! Speak slowly and clearly and explain what the call is about, suggest that they tell whoever is in charge of whatever you are calling about, and let them suggest who to talk to. Most people rather transfer you than explain something to a boss. Telemarketers usually don't listen to what the victim says, and quite often they are juggling more than one phone on a dialer machine. Do the opposite! Be perfectly ready when the customer picks up the phone, write down their name and use it, and make an efort to pay a lot more attention to what they say, than a telemarketer would. If you are using Skype to call them, mention that early, so that they are not suspicious about the number that shows on their call display or the better than usual voice quality. The best tip I saved for last: Email them and tell them to expect call from you about whatever it is you need to discuss, and ask for the ideal time and number to call. With those tips you should be able to avoid the rude treatment people reserve for telemarketers. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man's best friend dies, so he calls the nearest flower shop to order a wreath of flowers to be displayed at the wake. "Put an extra-wide ribbon on it," he tells the clerk. "Print 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and, if there is room, 'We Shall Meet in Heaven.'" The clerk assures him that his order will be carried out and the wreath promptly delivered to the funeral home. Sure enough, the wreath arrives and is set up next to the casket. But the mourners are stunned when they see it. On the extra-wide ribbon is the inscription, "Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet in Heaven."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Buy School Supplies From The List I always wait until I have an exact list of needed items from the teachers themselves before I buy. In the upper grades, some teachers can be very specific about what they prefer; down to the color of the ink pen or size of the notebook. (We've even had one specify Bic pens, not clickable ones.) When my oldest child started middle school, I had purchased everything in advance and wound up making another trip to buy "the right stuff". A very expensive lesson learned. By Christine from Dalton, GA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

At an international conference, an American, a British and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses. "I can't stand it some time. We treat people for cancer, and then they go and die of AIDS." "I know what you mean." said the British. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die." "That is not a problem in our country" said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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The fireman rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you."
» In Flight
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Dear Webby: Fuzzy pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 31, 2009

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. --- Gordon R. Dickson
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a real big farm. The second boy said his dad owned a real big factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell." "No way," another boys scoffed. "No man can own hell?" "Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that the elders of our church gave him hell last night."
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced: "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Terrance Dejuan McCoy, 23 of Detroit, Michigan Detroit Date FERNDALE, Mich. (AP) - Police in Michigan say a first date went from bad to worse when a Detroit man skipped out on the restaurant bill, then stole his date's car. Police say 23-year-old Terrance Dejuan McCoy had dinner with a woman April 24 at Buffalo Wild Wings in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. The woman says the two met a week earlier at a Detroit casino and she knew McCoy only as "Chris." The woman told police that McCoy said he left his wallet in her car and asked for keys. He then sped away in the 2000 Chevrolet Impala. The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak reports that police identified McCoy by a photo he'd sent to the woman's cell phone, and his phone number. McCoy is charged with unlawfully taking the car, a five-year felony. He waived a preliminary exam and was bound over for trial Thursday.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Renee Re: Fuzzy pictures Dear Webby Do digital cameras go bad with time? My camera used to take quite sharp pictures, but lately a lot of them are a bit fuzzy. The lens is perfectly clean and not scratched, because I have always been very careful with it and only cleaned it exactly like you told me years ago, with a well washed t-shirt rag and eyeglass cleaner spray from the optometrist. There is nothing loose or rattling inside. Is it the electronics? Can that be fixed quickly? I need to take pictures at a wedding tomorrow. Renee Dear Renee Hold a fishing pole or a yard stick in your outstretched hand so that the far end almost touches a light switch, and keep it steady for 30 seconds. Does it waver around? If it does, some parts of your muscles have turned to cellulite and muscle action is not as smooth and strong and steady as it once was. While that can be reversed nowadays without the need for re-incarnation and without having to break the piggy bank, that is a separate topic that I'll answer only if requested. And it would not help you today. That takes a few months. To get sharp pictures tomorrow, buy or borrow a tripod. Since you are not into extreme mountain climbing, get the heaviest and sturdiest you can lay your hands on. They are not as expensive as they used to be. If there is no money for a tripod, go to the hardware store and buy a 1" dowel or a replacement broom handle, a 1/4"x20 one inch long bolt, a quarter inch drillbit and some 2 component 5 minute epoxy. Saw the head of the bolt off. Cut the dowel or handle so that when you rest the camera on it, it is properly in front of your eyes. Drill a 1/4" hole in the end of the dowel or the lower end of the broom handle deep enough so that the sawed off screw sticks out about 3/8 of an inch.(Thickness of a cigarette) Epoxy the sawed off end of the bolt into the hole and hold it for a few minutes, so that it does not slide in too deep. That's all there is to it. Now you have a ONE-pod. Naturally, it is not as good as a TRIpod, but it will make a huge difference in your pictures, especially in less than ideal lighting conditions.. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named 'Love'. It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for Love." In New York that is an indictable offense and she was arrested on the spot.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Kids Jacket Swap Kids grow out of their jackets really quickly but the jackets don't seem to wear out quickly. Get together some of your friends and host a jacket or coat swap. You can also do this with adult clothes too. Everyone needs to bring a jacket that is in good shape. And now you can swap for a good jacket that will fit your ever growing kids. By Debra in Colorado Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had not played the game before. Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is "Oh @#$%."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Trisha walked into the doctor's waiting room and couldn't find an empty seat anywhere. Finally, she walks over to one gentleman that was sitting down, and said, "I wonder if I might trouble you for your seat. You see, I'm pregnant." The gentleman groaned, and in obvious pain struggled to his feet and lurched across the room to lean on the the water fountain for support. As Trisha sat down, another lady in the waiting room looked her over and said, "You know, if you hadn't told me, I never would have guessed you were pregnant. How far along are you?" Looking at her watch, she replied, "Oh, about a half an hour!"
» Patterns in nature
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Dear Webby, Is there going to be an Internet shut-down? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 30, 2009

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. ---Mark Twain
A Scotsman went to the zoo for the first time. At one cage, he stopped and asked the keeper, "Now, what animal would that be?" The zoo keeper said, "That's a moose from Canada." "A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man! They must ha' rrrats like elephants o'er there!"
A doctor of psychology at a mental institution was doing his normal morning rounds, when he entered a patient's room. He found one patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Another patient was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked the patient on the floor what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" Then the doctor asked him what the other patient was doing. He said, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looked up at the patient hanging from the ceiling and noticed his face was flushing red. The doctor said to the first patient on the floor: "If he is your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." And the patient said, "What? And work in the dark?"
Thanks to Sandie for forwarding this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit Woman's license suspended 45 times Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit FERNDALE, Mich., Aug. 26 (UPI) -- Police in Michigan said a woman whose driver's license was suspended 45 times was arrested while driving a reported stolen car with a beer on her lap. Ferndale police said Renee Lashon Beavers, 33, of Detroit, had a 24-ounce can of beer on her lap when an officer spotted her driving the 1999 Dodge Stratus and pulled her over just after midnight Tuesday, the Detroit Free Press reported Wednesday. Beavers told police she purchased the car from a woman at a shelter in Adrian, Mich., for $1,000 and took the vehicle despite the other woman's demand for an additional $400. Police said they found an unsigned title to the car in its glove compartment. Investigators said Beavers' driver's license was revoked after it was suspended 45 times in Detroit and its suburbs. Lt. William Wilson said police are planning to ask prosecutors to press charges of driving with a suspended license and having an open container of alcohol in the car.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sandra Re: Internet shutdown imminent Dear Webby I read that the law for shutting down the Internet is imminent and could be called into action if health care protests get too organized. What are we to do then? Sandra Dear Sandra You sure find some hilarious BS on Yahoo ! Don't you realize that all that exaggerated BS and outright lies are just to deafen you to anybody REALLY crying wolf? All that BS has probably been written by agitators to deafen you. In reality, Obama is not interested in shutting down the Internet. He much rather have everybody forwarding BS and nattering on Yahoo and Twitter, than out on the streets throwing rocks. Jay Rockefeller, who acts like a clueless West Virginia hillbilly, reworded Iran's Gag Law with dogooderish vocabulary, and put it out as a discussion draft, mainly to get his name into the news. There is no substance to his draft. It is so vague that nobody in the industry knows yet, whether to lobby for or against it. That's all. Whenever there is an actual hacker threat against large portions of the Internet, the IT industry deals with it thousands of times faster than any government intervention could. As long as you pay your Internet connection invoice, you will have access to the Internet. Have FUN! DearWebby
An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told the same person.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs, "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe. After a while the cop turns to the kid and says, "Okay, which one's your father?" The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer. That's what they're fighting about."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer. "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$275.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $250.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'" ------------------ Btw., did you know that if farmers had the same mark-ups as optometrists, eggs would cost over $100 ? Each!
» World Meters
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Dear Webby: Law to control the Internet 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 29, 2009

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship." --- John D. Rockefeller, Jr. It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. --- Krishnamurti When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway. --- Clyde B. Aster Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. -- Evelyn Waugh
A new nurse listened while Dr. Bryce was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to act like it was him who calls the shots around here."
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too)
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture from Leipzig, Germany Nicolai church in Leipzig
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora in Hillsborough, Florida Pastor faked kidnapping to cheat on his wife A Hillsborough County pastor is in legal hot water after faking his own kidnapping so that he could spend more time with his girlfriend. According to Hillsborough Sheriff’s deputies, Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora sent his wife a text message saying that he had been kidnapped, but that she should not panic. He later sent several more texts where he claimed that he was negotiating his release, which was when she called the police. More than a dozen Hillsborough deputies were involved in the search for the pastor, who was eventually located by tracing his cell phone. When deputies found him, Moran-Mora allegedly admitted that he had concocted the kidnapping story to spend time with the woman who he was in, when he was found. Seventh Day Adventist Church of Reform pastor Wikler Moran-Mora in Hillsborough, Florida
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mark Re: Govt Internet control Dear Webby I read a lot lately about a new law that will let Obama shut down the Internet if people want to send him back to Kenya or Costa Rica or wherever. Is there any truth to that, or i it just tea-bagger propaganda? Mark Dear Mark First of all, it is not a law YET. It is a draft by Sen. Jay Rockefeller, a West Virginia Democrat. As it stands now, it is a dogooderish sounding copy of the law that Iran used to gag the opposition after their election, and to prevent them from gaining any momentum or getting organized. While that is to be expected from Marxists, it is not a law yet. The draft might be changed and/or delayed until after the next election. Also consider that most ISPs and their staff wobble between acting as if they make the rules for God, and being dumber than dirt. And they are quite good at that! Just the thought of Obama arguing with Mujibar bin Dumdum in Bangalore, India brings a smile to my face. So, even if a gag order or shut-down is ordered, I would not expect instant or complete compliance. Sprint, Verizon, AT&T, etc. definitely don't plan on losing any revenue, just because of some revolution. The law would give Obama the might to do all kinds of silly things, "in coordination with relevant industry sectors". Right. That sounds like herding cats. Since the gag law is just a draft so far, I would not lose any sleep over it. Have FUN! DearWebby
Nancy came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no Odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Nancy. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." Next week an upset Nancy marched into Dr.Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Nancy," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wash Cloth for Telephone Space Around Toddlers To get space from my toddlers when I am on the phone, I sit with a wet facecloth and wipe their faces whenever they come near me. Now I can chat without them being right in my space. By Mrs. Burgo from Newcastle, NSW Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"
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A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, you have the right to have her attorney present. You may kiss the bride, but no fooling around!"
» Oyster Farming
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Dear Webby: Flow charting programs 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 28, 2009
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --- James Thurber
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, "How many animals went into the Ark?" The youngster replied: "One mail and one e-mail."
A chemistry professor is demonstrating the properties of various acids for his class. He takes out a silver coin. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?" "No, sir," one student calls out. "No?" asks the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid." "Because, Prefessor Angus McRae, if it would dissolve in that acid, you would have asked for MY coin!"
Thanks to Joan for this pitcture of the deer in her back yard:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an Paul Boucher, 77, in Allenstown, NH Man refused to wait for parade ALLENSTOWN, N.H. (UPI) -- Police in New Hampshire say a man who drove his car through a barricade, striking a police officer, was angry about his street being closed for a parade. Investigators said Paul Boucher, 77, refused to wait for the Old Home Day parade in Allenstown to pass before pulling away from his home. He was confronted by an officer as he drove around a barricade, WMUR-TV, Manchester, N.H., reported. "He told the officer he was going to go through the parade anyway," Allenstown Police Chief Shaun Mulholland said. "The individual cut the wheel, swerving his vehicle around and hit the officer." Mulholland said an officer was able to grab Boucher's keys and stop his vehicle. He was arrested and charged with felony reckless conduct and felony second-degree assault. He is due back in court Sept. 8. The injured officer was treated in a hospital for an injury to his right leg, but has since returned to duty, Mulholland said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elvira Re: Flow Charts Dear Webby I need a program to make flow charts for a project. All the ones I looked at, are ridiculously expensive. Do you know of a reasonable solution? Well, I know you do, but can you please tell me about it? Thanks Elvira Dear Elvira If you have a good spreadsheet, like for example Quattro from Corel-WordPerfect, then you can make flow charts with live content, that automatically changes according to data that you have on the same sheet or on other sheets in the 3D stack of sheets. It takes a bit of playing to get fast and comfortable with spreadsheets, but once you are used to their awesome power and versatility, you would not want to restrict yourself to a regular flow charting program. If you don't want to use spreadsheets or if you have fairly simple flow charts and data that does not change over time, then you can use a regular flow charting program. Yes, I agree that most of them are ridiculously expensive, but PC-Magazine has one for just $8. It is surprisingly full featured compared to the expensive ones, especially if you study the instructions at Smooth Flowcharter In my opinion it compares very well with flow charter programs in the $300 - $500 range. Have FUN! DearWebby
A young lady holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale. "Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first." "Oh, that won't work," says the woman. "Why not?" asks the clerk. "Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycling Items for Drainage Fill in Plant Containers Those lightweight plastic cups that flowers are sold in - I recycle them by using them for drainage when I transplant the flowers into terra cotta pots. I flatten them somewhat with my foot, and put them in the bottom of the pot. Then I add the soil and the flowers. The flattened trays are much lighter than broken terra cotta pieces for drainage, and it's a savings because less soil is required. For a large, deep pot, I use three or four smashed trays. When I need to move the pots around on my patio, it's easy because they don't weigh a ton. The smashed trays can be used year after year. By Carla from Greensboro, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?" Mom smiled and then replied, "...Oh, I remember....!!!!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
» Yellowstone Country
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Dear Webby: Shut it down or leave it running? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 27, 2009

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. --- Charles Caleb Colton Politics is made up largely of irrelevancies. --- Dalton Camp
Thanks to Ross for this story: A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an abdominal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache. Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, if not a psychopsymatic phase, spoke to the doctor about it. "Don't worry about a thing." the doctor told the nurse, looking somewhat amused. "He really does have a bump on his head... The operation took longer than planned, and about halfway through it we ran out of anesthetic."
Thanks to Dianne for this picture: Cuatla, Mexico
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to an 18 year old dopey burglar in East Hartford, Conn Speedo clad robber arrested EAST HARTFORD, Conn. – A robbery suspect wearing only a Speedo-style swimsuit was arrested in East Hartford after a police dog tracked him down and bit him on the leg. The Journal Inquirer of Manchester reported that the suspect was being held after his arrest Thursday on $50,000 bail. He was scheduled for arraignment Friday, but the result of that hearing was not immediately available. Police said the suspect tried to steal several vehicles, and also took items from them. They said they spotted the man wearing the bathing suit and holding a tool box that had been burglarized from a truck. Police said the man ran, but officers using a police dog found him hiding behind a car. The 18-year-old suspect allegedly told police he'd been drinking heavily and smoking marijuana.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Carolyn Re: Leave it on or turn it off? Dear Webby, I use a laptop and was wondering if it is better to leave it on and let the screen saver come on during the day of should I put it in stand by and keep turning it back on. I have been doing the stand by routine but wondered which is better for the laptop. I always enjoy your good advice, the cute jokes pictures etc. I hope everyone votes each day!!! I do. Thanks again. Carolyn Dear Carolyn That depends on whether you are smart enough to use DisKeeper or not. If you are, then leave it running. Whenever the screensaver comes on, DisKeeper defragments and tunes your hard drive. If you don't have DisKeeper, just close the lid and let it go onto standby or hibernation. Thanks for the voting! Currently on average 1.53 % of the readers vote, maximum I have seen lately is 1.69%. Have FUN! DearWebby
Thanks to Sandie for this story: When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone. So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Storing Paper Scraps I use a regular household file, the sort with a fold over lid and handle, to store offcuts of card. I sort it into colors. It's easy to find the color I need. I place all the similar shades in the same section in a penny pocket so when I need to use, i.e.: red, I just need to take out the reds. I also find it so easy to take with me if I am doing a charity craft session. By Mary from United Kingdom Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The bank manager noticed the new clerk wasn't good at counting money or adding up figures. "Where did you get your finance education?" he asked. "Yale," replied the lad. "And what's your name?" barked the manager. "Yim Yohnston," he replied.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A man is concentrating diligently on the papers on his desk when a co-worker comes up. "Say, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?" he asks. "Sorry," the man says, "I can't." "Why not?" "The doctor tells me I can't play." "Well," says the co-worker, "we all know that. It's still fresh air fun!"
» Index of roses
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Dear Webby: Short MP3's 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 26, 2009

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. --- Dudley Moore You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind. --- Socratex God gives every bird its food, but He does not throw it into its nest. --- J.G. Holland
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I hadn't started cooking yet."
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"
You ate all the rest ?
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Restaino Jr of Linden, NJ Robber used cab as getaway after robbing bank ROSELLE, N.J. (AP) - Police said a New Jersey man who told a cab driver to stop at a bank so he could take out some money failed to mention that he was going to rob it. Michael Restaino Jr. was arrested shortly afterward Monday when a police officer stopped the cab he was riding in several blocks from the Roselle Savings Bank. Police say the taxi driver was apparently unaware of what his passenger had done. Police said they found more than $2,400 in cash and a holdup note in Restaino's pockets. They said he was not armed. He has been charged with second-degree robbery and was being held in the Union County Jail in lieu of $100,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Lillian Re: Short MP3's Dear Webby, I need a bunch of short, less than 1 MB in size, MP3 songs for a project with seniors. I don't want wacky junior experiments, but clips from songs that they would or should recognize. . Do you have a source for something like that? Thanks Lillian Dear Lillian There are lots of sites with low quality midi files of the size you need, but I am not aware of any that carry the equivalent in MP3 quality. Hopefully one of the subscribers knows a site like that, or has a personal stash. I will print it here if anybody can help you. Have FUN! DearWebby
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman said. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?" The little boy said, "My baby sitter's boyfriend."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Cereal Liner as Wax Paper I seldom use waxed paper. In fact I usually only use it when my husband makes hamburgers on the grill, to layer the raw patties in so they won't stick. Instead of buying waxed paper just for this use, I save the waxy bags that line the cereal boxes. When I empty the box, I open the bag along the seam and roll it over a tube in an old waxed paper box and put in the drawer. I never pay for it, and we always have it. By Mom from Missouri Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

The teacher asked Little Johnny to use the words "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence. Little Johnny said, "The rabbit cut across the field and defeat went over defense before detail."
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
» Skyscraper City
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Dear Webby: Double or nothing task bar 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 25, 2009

It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought. --- John Kenneth Galbraith
Little Johnny came home from a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Johnny's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Johnny. "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe, so you could make a cake just like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me having to ask for them."
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a politician were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman? "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized and reasonably civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the politician...

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Ian Stafford, 58, now EX mayor of Preesall, England Mayor is the Panty Burglar Ian Stafford, 58, was arrested after women in the area called police to report knickers repeatedly disappearing from their homes. One woman was so peturbed she installed a hidden camera in her bedroom, which recorded a semi-naked man rifling through her drawers and putting on her underwear before performing a sex act. Investigations later revealed a collection of knickers, allegedly matching those reported stolen, at the home of the mayor. He was arrested on suspicion of burglary and bailed. Mr Stafford, who works as a handyman and gardner, has now resigned from his post in Preesall near Fleetwood,Lancs.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sharon Re: Double or nothing task bar Dear Webby, I love the "motorcycle pic in today's lettew. I could aslmost handle riding that one. Thanks for sharing that & the wonderful jokes. I need your help. Some how I accidently messed up the task bar. Now it's doubled in height & has icons that are usually hidden showing. I tried dragging it down to reduce the size but it just hides it all together. When I try dragging it back up it comes up double again. I restarted but that didn't help so I shut if down completely for a few minuites but that didn't help either. It's not a big problem just a nusiance. Also can you give me any ideas why so many worms are starting to come up? My Avast is blocking them but it seems like they are trying to get in 2 or more times a day now. Is there anything I can do to keep them from coming up rather than just letting Avast do it's job by blocking them? Thanks for the help & jokes. Sharon Dear Sharon Shut down as many programs as you can, so that the task bar is nearly empty. Then pull down the taskbar very gingerly. Yeah, I know, it is a bit jumpy in XP, and worse in Vista. But that is about all you can do, I haven't noticed any worms trying anything funny, but I am using McAfee. Apparently it murders them quitely in the dark, and doesn't even bother telling me about it. Naturally, a ho'mail address doesn't help. Once you graduate from ho'mail and get a respectable address, the problem will probably disappear anyway. Good Luck! DearWebby
A man walks up the counter and says, "I'll have 2 pounds of Tofu." The man at the counter says, "Oh, you must be from California." The man responds, "How stereotypical! If I had ordered Pepperoni would you think I was Italian?" "No." answers the man at the counter. And besides, pepperoni is more Sicilian than Italian. "If I had ordered Wienerschnitzel would you have thought I was German," he asks. "No." says the man behind the counter, "and besides, Wiener Schnitzel are from Wien, Vienna, the capital of Austria." "Then why," he asks, "would you think I was from California, just because I want 2 pounds of tofu ???" The man looks up from the counter and says, "'Cause you're in a hardware store."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ask for Makeup Samples I have been feeling a little guilty about spending money on make up with my husband losing his job recently, but I was talking to one of the sales people at my local Ulta and she said do not hesitate to ask for samples and try before I buy. This is a great idea, after all I would not buy a dress without trying it on. Also, take advantage of coupons in your Sunday newspaper for make up items. Another thing to consider expensive is not always better. I do my research and compare products by searching the internet. I have found some great buys for far less money by doing my research first. Be careful where you buy and make sure they have a return policy on make up. Keep your proof of purchase in a envelope until you know the product works for you. Walgreens and CVS are very good about exchanging make up. By Bobbie from Rockwall Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid- afternoon, she worried about her five-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from kindergartenl to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four- year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then said to her, "Uh-oh ... I know what *you've* been doing."
» Glacier National Park
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dear Webby: Message not found problem in Vista 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 24, 2009

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. --- Farmers' Almanac, 1978 Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. --- Mark Twain As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. --- Hagar the Horrible
Thanks to Cookie for this: Drafting Guys over 60---- This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman- New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.... If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night! ---------------------- Cookie, did you know that those scrawny and skinny illegals said that your butt looks fat and baggy in those border patrol uniforms? And they asked if that Is two of you in each uniform. Oh, and by the way, 100 shots is usually plenty to kill an illegal. They are kinda skinny anyway.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need when I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Lloyd Finder, 26 of North Bend, Oregon Burglar sells items stolen at North Bend, OR police station Aug 19, 12:57 PM (ET) NORTH BEND, Ore. (AP) - A brazen burglar picked the wrong place to target: a police station. Police Chief Steve Scibelli said it was pretty embarrassing to have a thief hit his downtown station last week, stealing a radio, two stun guns and a Crown Victoria patrol car. The one saving grace is that police made a quick arrest. "I'm so upset about it, I can't even find any humor in it," Scibelli told The Register-Guard newspaper. "It's pretty embarrassing." Robert Lloyd Finder, 26, remained in the Coos County Jail on Wednesday, facing just about every charge the police could think up: burglary, possession of burglary tools, theft, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, criminal mischief, criminal trespass, tampering with physical evidence and reckless driving. Scibelli, who oversees a department of 16 officers - including himself - said the burglary occurred when all the officers left a section of the building to respond to an assault call. Finder, according to the chief, later told investigators he was walking near the station and noticed most of the police cars were gone. "He just said he thought he'd try it," Scibelli said. "See if he could pull this off. High risk, low reward." Scibelli said the station's outer doors are difficult to lock, so that's probably how the burglar got inside. The suspect found keys to the police car, swiped a couple of Tasers and drove to Lakeside, where he parked the police car on some railroad tracks inside a tunnel, the chief said. Police caught up with Finder the following day, when he tried to sell the stun guns, Scibelli said. The chief said police have revamped some internal procedures to prevent a similar burglary. "We were dumbfounded," Scibelli said. "Absolutely amazed that someone would have the nerve to do this." If Finder had not tried to sell the police Tasers, he would still be on the loose.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mike Re: Message can not be found Dear Webby, Webby, I'm glad that , at least , you are getting through. about every 5th e-mail I receive gives me "an error has occured" message. I can't just delete it, I have to open it to delete it. When I open the message inside says that "the message can't be found". Got any ideas? Or is it just VISTA being stupid. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks! Mike Dear Mike That sounds like a Vista feature. I have never seen that on a good OS. You will have to ask Microsoft about that. Good Luck! DearWebby
Over the cover of a women's magazine, a title caught her eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." She decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" she asked her husband. "That you'll quit," he promptly replied.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bring Your Own Vase to the Florist When buying flowers from a flower shop, take your old vase with you and save 50 cents to $3.00, depending on vase size. If you're like me, you don't have enough storage space to store those you've collected over time anyway. By Momof1 from Wilkesboro, NC Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a hot concrete slab in front of a huge, yellow and red sign. I didn't realize that somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'SHELL' sign.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Two college students are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't...?"
» Funny Felines
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Dear Webby: Convert DCA to MP3 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 23, 2009

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better. --- Socratex Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. "What's the matter child?" he asks. "Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic." "There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around." Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing. "Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father." "Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?" "Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" A voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Bob will be back from vacation tomorrow.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Kasandra Beekman, 24, of Northport, Florida Florida Mother Charged After Baby Left in Car With Windows Up NORTH PORT, Fla. — A Florida baby is in state care after authorities say his mother left him in a vehicle with the windows rolled up. Kasandra Beekman, 24, was charged Friday with felony child neglect, according to police. Officers say she left her 8-month-old son in her car with the windows rolled up and the engine turned off Thursday while shopping at a Wal-Mart in North Port. Witnesses called 911, and a store manager and a customer gave the baby first aid until paramedics arrived. The baby was treated at a hospital and released to the Department of Children and Families. Beekman was being held on $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Homer Re: Change CDA to MP3 Dear Webby, How can i change a cda into a mp3? Homer Dear Homer Ripping analog Audio off a CD for digital use requires, "Ripping". Any "Ripping software" will do. There is a huge selection available when you search for it under that name. One that comes to mind is AVS4you. You can download it from AVS4you Don't get caught uploading music ripped from any CD onto any place, where it is available to others. The software is intended for making personal anthologies or collections, for example taking the personal favorites from each of your CDs and putting them together to a day long arrangement for personal use. Have FUN! DearWebby From Nofries about clogged ink cartridges: Hi Dear Webby, Thank you for my morning laugh and your fabulous tech tips! I had my inkjet cartridges refilled at one of those Cartridge World places in a strip mall. One of the cartridges failed to print correctly. I called the store and I was given instructions to unclog the nozzles or whatever was clogged. It worked great! Thought I'd pass along the instructions, maybe Matt can fix his past dated cartridge and use it as a spare. To unclog an inkjet cartridge - 1. Heat up 1/2 inch of water in a small container in the microwave. It needs to be hot - but not boiling. Do not put cartridge in microwave. 2. Place cartridge head in the water and let it soak for 10 - 15 minutes. 3. wipe it off and print something that uses a lot of the color ink you are trying to unclog. I have used this method several times and it works great! A couple notes- if your cartridges go unused for weeks at a time they seem to clog. The amount of water in the dish is important. He said the clogged print heads or nozzles are up about 3/8 of an inch, so the water needs to be deep enough to reach the clog. If it does not work the first time it can be repeated. He also showed me how a new cartridge placed on a soft cloth should leave a line of ink. If it doesn't you are out of ink or have a clog. Finally, make sure you immediately print something that uses a lot of the ink you are trying to unclog as it helps clean the nozzles. I hope this will help someone! Nofries
This older couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. As they were waiting to be processed, they began to look all around at their setting for eternity. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the contentment she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how fortunate she felt to be there. She asked her mate:"What would you do if you could go back for just one day?" "I'd go strangle whoever invented bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Track of Children When in Large Crowds When my girls were small, I use to put big colorful ponytail holders and barrettes in their hair so I could see them in a crowd, if we were going somewhere like an amusement park or zoo. By Karen from Bolivar, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Dr Gordon was a guest at a chic gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which he was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," Dr Gordon replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the right track." "What sort of question?" asked the hostess. "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' " The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
» Optical Illusions
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Dear Webby: DropBox 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Saturday,  August 22, 2009

Worrying works! 90% of the things you worry about never happen. --- Socratex A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. --- George Bernard Shaw The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. --- Will Rogers
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "Unfortunately, the month is up today!"
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Thanks to Howard for sendng this picture:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to the Midland County Sheriff's Office in Texas Deputy fired for photo shoot AUGUST 20--An impromptu photo shoot of a seasonally clad waitress holding a police assault rifle has led to the firing of one Texas sheriff's deputy and the disciplining of four other lawmen. Earlier this month, a group of Midland County Sheriff's Office deputies were eating at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Round Rock when they asked a waitress to pose with an AR-15 rifle on the trunk of their police cruiser. As seen in the below photo, the 24-year-old waitress--who wore a "Bambi" nametag, shorts, knee socks, and a seasonally appropriate shirt--was perched on the trunk of a Midland police cruiser. The automatic weapon, which had been in the trunk of the marked Ford Crown Victoria, was handed to the waitress by Deputy Daniel Subia, who was fired for his role in the August 10 incident. Subia and his colleagues were in Williamson County for a "Criminal Interdiction" training class. I realize that those knee socks are rather tacky, unless they hide tattoos, but it seems rather boneheaded to waste the training and experience of a deputy just because of some harmless sillyness.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Donnie Re: Drop Box Dear Webby, Since I trust you for all things Tech-based, I wanted to ask you about My Drop Box and Google phone. I recently received the edited email below from a friend inviting me to participate. Any input or suggestions would be welcomed. The phone deal sounds too good to be free, but I don't find anything about charges/rates at that link. As always, I count on starting my day with the Humor Letter! Donnie Dear Donnie Nice, in theory. And handy for people who are too dumb to figure out how to set up a home network or their own $2 web site. However, if you get caught uploading copyrighted music or movies or software, and giving other people access to your drop box, then you are in very deep shit, like the guy who got sentenced to an almost $300,000 fine early this week for doing that. He had gotten caught with 37 songs in his drop box. So, as long as you just use it as a super slow Redneck home network, you will be OK. Just don't share it with your mother-in-law or anybody who might fink on you, when they get into a snit years later. Re the phone, it does sound good. So far the tech world is not showing the excitement about it that one would expect from that list of features, though. Some are very cautiously trying it, but so far nobody has cheerfully put all their eggs into that basket. After all, SOMEBODY has to pay for all that phone network traffic. Santa sure isn't paying for all the cell towers and the power plants for running them. So the tech world is waiting for the shoe to drop, and see who is going to get stuck with the bill. In the meantime, Skype still works just fine for voice calls, text and file transfers. Have FUN! DearWebby
Overheard in the elevator: I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over the keyboard on my laptop!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Keep Lemon Wedges in the Freezer I wash and dry fresh lemons. Cut them into wedges and deseed them. Toss them into a freezer proof bag or container. Whenever I need a lemon in my drink, I add the frozen wedges. No need to thaw, use them frozen. If you need lemon for cooking/baking, take the wedges out of freezer and let thaw a bit. By Laura from PA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A sergeant in a parachute regiment regularly took part in night-time exercises. One night he was seated next to a lieutenant, fresh from Jump School. He was quiet, sad, and looked a bit pale, so the sergeant struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", he asked. "No, just a bit apprehensive," said the lieutenant. The sergeant asked, "Does that mean that you are too chicken to admit that you are scared shitless?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer. The collections manager made the call and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
» Air Show
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Dear Webby: Red X 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Friday,  August 21, 2009
Time to wear something red to show your support for the troops!

It is not selfishness to live as you see fit. Selfishness is insisting that other people live as you see fit. --- Socratex Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle. --- Ken Hakuta We must teach our children to dream with their eyes open. --- Harry Edwards The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream. --- Harry Kemp
"How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman asked her friend. "Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, 'I think I would look nicer in something flowing' . . . and I suggested the Mississippi."
When Liz went with her daughter to visit a prestigious university, their student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told them that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended to Liz's daughter to apply early to improve her chances for admission. She said, "We get so many applicants because of the stature and reputation of the school." After the tour Liz asked their guide, "Why did you choose this school?" She said, "Oh, because my boyfriend studied here and now works at McDonalds a block from here."
Thanks to Lillemor for sendng this picture: Goof Balls
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to a 25 year old car thief in Londn, England Fleeing suspect runs into telephone pole As getaways go, this one wasn't pretty. Nor was it successful. London police say the driver in a stolen car involved in an accident shortly after 2 a.m. yesterday jumped from the car and fled on foot -- smack into a telephone pole. The suspect, Const. Amy Phillipo said, "got up and tried to run again but was arrested." Phillipo said a police officer westbound on Riverside Dr. passed a suspicious eastbound vehicle and turned around to follow it. But before the officer caught up to the car, it was involved in a two-car crash at the corner of Riverside and Beaverbrook Ave. After arresting the suspect, police discovered the car had been stolen earlier from a parking lot on Cherryhill Circle. Police say investigators then linked the same suspect to a second car theft last May 14, when an SUV was taken from a parking lot at the Bob Hayward YMCA on Hamilton Rd. after the keys were taken from a locker inside, along with a credit card that was later used at two big-box stores. Images of two suspects were captured on video surveillance cameras. A man, 25, of no fixed address, is charged with possession of stolen property, theft over $5,000, failing to remain at the scene of an accident, dangerous driving, possession of break and enter tools, theft of a credit card and using a stolen credit card.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Wendy Re: Red X Hi Webby hope this finds you keeping cool. I know you have mentioned this before, but I've forgotten. A friend 's pics are coming thru empty with the dreaded red X in the corner. She has been on the phone with Dell twice for a total of 5 hours and of course no one wants to give free info these days. She is running Windows but not Vista, as hers is an older machine, she's a senior and can't afford a new one, so I don't know which version. Your help would much appreciated. Thanks and have a great day. Wendy in NJ Dear Wendy Dell won't be able to help her with that. It's not the fault of the hardware. Her old computer is probably better than the new Vista crap. However, Dell support people are paid by the minute, and they will waste her time as long as possible. Is your friend by any chance a yahoo? Since their last updates a lot of yahoos have that problem, especially when they try to forward pictures that some other yahoo sent to them. Some yahoos get around that problem, usually by dumping the upgrade and going back to the old version, and some have to save the pictures onto their computer first, or something like that. She will have to contact Yahoo support and find out from them how to get around that problem. Have FUN! DearWebby
One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm, knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked. "Sure is. He's over in the cow barn." "Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty recognizing him?" "Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache, .... oh, and no horns."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Recycle Soap With Cookie Cutters With the prices today for everything, I am reminded of a memory of my Grandmother, who is extremely frugal. She saved the leftover slivers of bar soap in an old cereal bag. When she had enough she would recycle them. I loved this. She would melt down all the slivers in a pan and then would pour the melted soap into cookie cutters or small dishes. It would cool and she would have several new bars of soap. And they were also very pretty with all the new color swirls. I would love taking a bath with these new soaps. By Cheap momma from Greeneville, TN Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, and yelled above the noise: "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked in a whisper, "Daddy, why is he brain-washing that baby?"
» Squish This Gallery
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Dear Webby: Ink expiry date 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Thursday,  August 20, 2009


If you have to write your ethical rules down, it's already too late. --- Tom Clancy
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
Shadows
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter marked "Private, for George only" came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Robert Edward Cook, 58, in Jacksonville, Florida Man Dials 911 For Help Finding Hidden Booze A Florida man was arrested for dialing 911 and asking for help in finding the liquor his family hid from him. The Jacksonville sheriff's office says deputies went to the home of 58-year-old Robert Edward Cook and discovered his family had hidden all the booze in the house because he was drunk. After confirming Cook made the call to get police assistance in finding the alcohol, he was charged with making a false 911 call.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Matt Re: Ink expiry date Dear Webby I must say, that opening your letter every morning is an excellent way to start any day. Now for my question. I've had my hp officejet v40 printer scanner fax and copier for 7 years or so, without a days trouble from it, until I changed the colour cartridge the other day, the brand new cartridge would only print in red. I was told to check the expiry date, by a techi friend, and it was out of date by 6 months. I was then told that my officejet could detect that it was out of date, hence wouldn't print correctly. I then put in another new cartridge, which wasn't out of date, and hey presto it printed perfectly, was this just a fluke? Both cartridges were still in their boxes, sealed. Thanks Matt Dear Matt The expiry date would not cause the printer to go on strike, but a dried up nozzle does. There is a reason they put an expiry date onto the cartridges! They know in what time frame the nozzles clog up when not in use. With liquid ink it's best not to stock up, unless you buy jugs and refill yourself, like we used to do until we switched to Laser. The dry laser toner has no expiry. It is already dry. Have FUN! DearWebby
A group of Winnebago drivers on route back to Florida for the winter were sitting in a truck stop. To blend in with the truckers, they had to complain about something, so they were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own "Whiteboard" You can make little "white boards" with pieces of cardboard that are coated with a slick surface. Or use a piece of metal painted a light color. I recycled several different surfaces, including slick portfolio covers and an old magnetic play board, to use when I was tutoring a lot. Use pens meant for white boards. By Pam from L.A., CA Old cutting boards scraped or sanded, and painted with a marine laquer or varnish, make great indestructible laptop whiteboards. The same works too for room or cabinet doors. Just make sure you use a laquer or varnish, not a latex paint. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had been surprised in the act of making love. "How awful !" exclaimed the wife. "Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the guide.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. He offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. When the guest finally was able to speak, he gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passed out a sample of it."
» Fast Facts
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Dear Webby: Reliable registry 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Wednesday,  August 19, 2009


The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously. --- Henry Kissinger We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. --- Dan Quayle
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr.., it goes.. click!"
The owner of a manufacturing facility was complaining in a staff meeting one day, that he wasn't getting any respect. Next morning morning, he came in with a small sign that read, "I am the Boss!" and taped it to his office door. Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
Thanks to Cookie for sending this picture:
A little boy was taken to the dentist. The dentist discovered that the boy had a cavity that needed to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" The little boy replied, "Chocolate, please."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Tjay Harrison, Hopkins, Minnesota Arrested Man Claims It's His Right To Be Naked HOPKINS, Minn A man who was arrested for indecent exposure told police it was his right as a man to lie naked in a park's volleyball court. Police said several parents and children saw Tjay Harrison naked in a Hopkins, Minn. park Tuesday afternoon. Officers recognized Harrison because they brought him to a hospital last weekend for a mental health check. Police said Harrison fought them during his arrest, and told them it was in his right to resist arrest. Police disagreed, and hauled him away.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ollie Re: Registry Cleanup Dear Webby I get so much mail telling me I need this or that registry program, or warning me that most of them are worse than nothing at all, or outright scams. Which one is the best and can be trusted? Ollie Dear Ollie I tried many, and by far the best one is from Uniblue. You can get it at http://webby.com/uniblue It really makes a difference, and with all the bug fixes that Microsoft pushes at us, you need something reliable to clean up the mess. Have FUN! DearWebby
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jimmy interrupted. "My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Empty Tissue Boxes for Small Trash Can Don't throw empty tissue boxes away. They can have a second life as perfect little trash cans for a vanity table or bathroom! Having one where you do your makeup makes it so much easier to throw used cotton swabs, eyeliner shavings, etc. neatly away. This is how I use them, but they could probably be used in crafts, too. When it's full, you can just throw it away. By Paula from San Francisco, CA Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Here is a joke that I cleaned up and re-wrote to this version a few years ago and that came back to me now unchanged, just the way I put it: On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
» Speed Traps
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Dear Webby, is it safe to book flights and hotels online? 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Tuesday,  August 18, 2009


Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. --- Sir Winston Churchill
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted. The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom. So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the neighbors chickens away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?" "One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered by his chickens after that."
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!" Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice. The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Emma Kim-Tashis Harrison, 25, of Jacksonville, Florida 'Mrs. Jesus' arrested at car dealership, charged with fraud She told police she is married to Jesus Christ A Jacksonville woman who said she is Jesus Christ's wife was charged with fraud Monday when she tried to purchase a car with a bad check. Emma Kim-Tashis Harrison, 25, walked into the Coggin Pontiac dealership on Blanding Boulevard looking for some new wheels. She settled on a vehicle that cost almost $70,000, but things hit a snag when she grabbed her checkbook, according to a Jacksonville Sheriff's Office arrest report. A representative from a bank in California informed the dealership's financial manager that the account Harrison supplied was bad. So were the names on the check. It was signed "Mr. and Mrs. Jesus and Emma Christ." Officers who detained Harrison found a host of credit cards and checks in her purse, some issued to Emma Harrison and others made out to Emma Christ. She said she doesn't work but owns "a traveling Web site that people just deposit money into," according to the report. Investigators also discovered Harrison has never had a driver's license. She was charged with organized fraud, forging bank bills and uttering forged bills — all felonies. She remains in the Duval County jail without bail. And where was her husband in all this? She said Jesus Christ would return next week to sign the paperwork and pick up the car.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Clate Re: Online Booking Dear Webby How safe is it to book flights and hotels online? Clate Dear Clate You mean there is another way ? Yes, it is perfectly safe, as long as you deal with the air lines and hotels or hotel chains directly. With more advanced air lines like WestJet you can even print your boarding pass at home, and at the airport just show it and put your luggage on the scale. If you get on their mailing list, they will email you notices of short and long notice specials, that will knock your socks off. However, if you get a $50 flight to Las Vegas, don't count on another special deal for coming back the next day. However, even if you just get one leg of your trip at a deep discount, it still makes a big difference. With hotels online booking is the norm nowadays. That way you can check if the hotel has smoking rooms, High Speed Internet, etc. without finding out the hard way, that they don't. A good deal is Motel 6. They are about $30 - $40 nearly everywhere, but charge $2 - $3 extra for Internet. Don't argue! If you don't like the $2 Internet surcharge, for only $100 more you can go to a $140 a night Holiday Inn Express, where the Internet is included in the price. You also see on their web page whether they have a coffee maker in the room. I usually buy a cheap $10 coffee maker at the start of each trip, and on the last day donate it to the cleaning staff. That way I don't have to select hotels out of my ideal route just because of the coffee maker. But at least I kow in advance wether to leave it in the car or carry it inside. When you book online, you can print out the road map and directions they all have on their sites, which makes it a lot easier if you plan to get there late. Have FUN! DearWebby
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a "birthday/anniversary card." The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of my wife's twenty-ninth birthday."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Deep Clean Your Hair With Baking Soda One of the best tips I have ever gotten though the years (and I've been a tip collector for many years) is one for hair. We spend lots of money for products to remove build up on our hair, but we don't have too. Take a cup of warm water add one tablespoon of baking soda to it and stir, when you get in the shower wet your hair first and don't add shampoo yet, pour the water with the baking soda over your hair and rub into your hair. Do not rinse out. Take your shampoo and apply to hair, then shampoo as usual. This makes your hair feel like new! I found I can do more with my hair after I strip all the gunky stuff out of it. I try to do this at least once or twice a month, more if I use more products. If you go to the weekly beauty shop take along a jar with the soda in and have your stylist to apply it to your hair before shampooing. By Patty from KY Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

Misprint on sign at drug store: You can be sure of having your prescriptions filled with scare and kill.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?" A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
» Horsehair Art
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Dear Webby: Currency symbols and other fancy characters 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Monday,  August 17, 2009


I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell. --- Harry S Truman By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --- Socrates
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Every time the host needed something, he precede his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "that's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." "Well, to tell you the real truth," the host whispered, " I've forgotten her name."
These are some small snippets from some of the pictures in Walter's new book about the stone carvings in Staglieno. Full of great artwork, Camposanto di Staglieno in Genoa is one of Italy's greatest hidden sculptural treasures. Walter, a subscriber just like you, put together a great art book full of pictures and descriptions. You can order it at http://stonecarver.com/Staglieno.html If you use coupon code webby (all small letters), he will give you $1.50 off. If you go from there to his Facebook page, you'll get another 50 cents off.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Richard Coverdale, 24, of North Yorkshire Engand Sex Offender Busted By Burglars Richard Coverdale, 24, of North Yorkshire in the United Kingdom was sentenced to three-and-a-half years jail after burglars discovered images and videos of child abuse on his laptop and turned it over to police. Coverdale’s laptop was stolen during a burglary on August 19, 2008. However, on examining the contents of the laptop’s hard disk, the thieves discovered pornographic images that were disturbing enough that they felt compelled to turn it over to authorities, by way of a tip off. According to acting Detective Sergeant Chris Stone: Whilst they were carrying out an offence themselves, it is commendable that they did the right thing and this in turn has helped bring a serious offender to justice. In the course of the investigation Coverdale confessed to downloading pictures of children and speaking to girls in chatrooms, one of whom he had exposed himself to via webcam a few days prior to the burglary. Following the incident, the girl in question said that she had felt degraded and humiliated and had resorted to self harm. In sentencing, Judge Brian Forster QC, stated that Coverdale had ‘conducted a calculated scam against the girl’. Coverdale was sentenced to three-and-a-half years jail, banned from working with children for the rest of his life and will be issued with a ’sexual offences prevention order’. Since Coverdale’s arrest, a 38-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman were apprehended in connection with the burglary. Both were sentenced to 12-month community orders, while the woman must also meet regularly with a probation officer.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Angie Re: character symbols Dear Webby I don't know the proper name for them, but I need to know how to make the fancy character symbols for Euro, Yen, Pound, etc. You mentioned once that you put together a chart of them. Do you still have them? Thanks Angie Dear Angie Yes, they are still up at http://webby.com/humor/char.html The Euro symbol, € is ALT plus 0128 on the numeric keypad. The Yen ¥ is ALT+0165 The Pound £ is ALT + 0163 If you are handicapped with a Vista laptop, you probably won't be able to get those high characters that way. In that case just go to http://webby.com/humor/char.html, copy whatever character you need, and paste it into your email or document. Have FUN! DearWebby
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Cleaning Cloths Who needs paper towels? This is a truly frugal idea I had several years ago. Do you have old t-shirts waiting for Goodwill sitting around? Cut them horizontally from the bottom of one sleeve to the other, basically harvesting the flat cloth beneath the sleeves. Then cut them down each side on the seam. You will have two larger cloths that you can either hem or not hem. I use these for spills, cleaning, dish washing - whatever! I no longer pay high prices for paper towels. By Diane from Saint Joseph, MI Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A missionary discovered a tribe of Indians who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by. Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most. "The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!" The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?" "98!" Johnson announced proudly. The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . . Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?" The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
» Top Ten Hubbel pix
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Dear Webby: Ransom Ware 



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Good Morning,  !
It's Sunday,  August 16, 2009


I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --- Tom Lehrer Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. --- Michel de Montaigne
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone . . . "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning, at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . . "Good morning, Mr. Williams. I just called to tell you that I don't HAVE a dog."

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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Jarell Paul Arnold of Anchorage, Alaska Man gives teller ID before robbing bank Aug 13, 7:30 AM (ET) ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) - A 34-year-old man is in custody after authorities say he gave a teller his account number and showed her his picture ID before robbing an Anchorage bank. The FBI says Jarell Paul Arnold of Anchorage is being held on federal bank robbery charges. The FBI alleges Arnold walked into an Alaska USA Federal Credit Union branch Friday and inquired about the balance on his account. The teller asked for his name, account number and ID. Authorities say he complied, and then handed over a receipt with a note on the back that said he had a gun and demanded money. The FBI says he got away with about $600. Authorities arrested Arnold on Monday. Court records say Arnold was sentenced to 57 months in prison for bank robbery in 2004. -------- Sounds like he was homesick for prison!
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Leesa Re: Ransom Ware Greetings Dear Webby, It's a lovely day in our neck of the woods. Hope it's the same where you are. My daughter's pc suddenly came up with something called Green AV, and they want her to buy it to get rid of it. I know I read something about this malware recently, but am not sure it was in your newsletter. Was it? If not, do you know how to get rid of it short of crashing her pc again? I don't understand how she got infected since we both use the same firewall, and I haven't had any problems ever. Reckon it could be all the game sites she goes to. :-) Anyway, your advice is greatly appreciated. Have a great weekend. Always havin' fun Leesa Dear Leesa Yes, I wrote about Green AV Ransom-Ware last week. http://webby.com/humor/blog/index.php?e ... 810-041912 It is Ransom Ware. Your daughter agreed to the small print (without reading it, of course) and they infected her machine with her permission. Now they want their ransom or moron-tax. Small anti-virus companies can't do anything about it, without getting sued, since she agreed to it. Now she needs to use an anti-virus from a BIG company, who has herds of lawyers to protect them from those crooks. Tell her to try McAfee. I recommended that to the subscriber last week, and he wrote back an hour later telling me that McAfee nuked the Green AV and some other stuff instantly. Have FUN! DearWebby
Grampa was telling his youngest grandson about his terrifying experience with cannibals. "There I was, lost in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by twenty hungry cannibals....." His grandson said, "But last time you told me, there were only ten hungry cannibals." And Grampa said, "Ah, but you were too young then, to know the whole horrible truth!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com No new tip today Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam rather disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "It certainly wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were two of the best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Dad, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy." Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?" He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
» Best horse pix
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Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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Dear Webby: Windows defrag won't finish 



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Good Morning,  !

It's Saturday,  August 15, 2009


The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are as clever as he is. --- Karl Kraus There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly. --- Terance
Bill walked into a sports bar around 10 P.M. He sat down next to Tammy at the bar and looked up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Tammy looked at Bill and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bill said, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' Tammy replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bill placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' Just as Tammy placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. Tammy was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bill, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' Bill replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' Tammy replied, 'I did too. That really must have hurt! I didn 't think he'd do it again.' Bill took the money.
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?"
Thanks to Walter, the StoneCarver for this pictrue: Walter is just back from a marble buying trip to Italy. While there, he took a ton of pictures at the cemetery at Staglieno, the REAL "THE Marble Orchard". He put the pictures and descriptions and his comments pointing out interesting features together into a coffee table book, that will be published later this month. Walter has been a subscriber for about 15 years and promised to arrange a bit of a discount for all subscribers. I'll let you know when I get the details about that. Walter showed me a bit of a preview of the book, and I will definitely buy one, maybe a few extras for Christmas presents. Have FUN! DearWebby
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to David Anthony Perticone, 46, of Severn, MD Yard sale with burglared stuff SEVERN -- Police said Tuesday that a woman came across a yard sale that included some familiar items -- her own. Officers responded to the woman's house last week in the 800 block of Reece Road. The woman, whose name wasn't released, told Anne Arundel County police that her home and shed had been burglarized and that a "significant amount" of property had been stolen. Two days later, she noticed the yard sale taking place just a few houses away and observed that items being sold had been stolen from her during the burglary, police said. Detectives obtained a search warrant and recovered about $25,000 worth of the victim's property, which was returned to her. David Anthony Perticone, 46, was charged with first-degree burglary, fourth-degree burglary and theft, police said. http://www.wbaltv.com/news/20356806/detail.html
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Harriet Re: Defrag not finishing Dear Webby; my Windows defrag never finishes. I know it quits when the screen saver comes on, but even when I sit there and stare at it like an idiot and move the mouse an inch every few mintes to keep the screen saver rom starting, it always quits some time before finishing. What am I doing wrong, or is there a fix fr that? Harriet Dear Harriet That is pretty normal for the Windows defrag. Especially if you have less than 20% of free space, it usually does not complete the job. You need a good third party disk management program like DisKeeper. I have used it for about 10 years, and never lost a hard drive since I started using it. Before that, I used to loose about one a year. yeah, I know, machines here get used a lot harder than at your place, but the loss of a drive can be just as devastating anywhere. Considering that a drive recovery costs well over $1000, if your data is worth more than $30 to you, get DisKeeper. They are an excellent company, and they even buy me a coffee for every friend I drag in from the rain. The 2009 Home edition costs just under $30 and comes with full Satisfaction Guaranteed Money back warranty. Have FUN! DearWebby
The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Getting Kids To Reuse Towels Everyone that has kids, has lots of laundry! I've got four myself. The kids never wanted to pick up their towels and re-use them. I had to get tricky. I now take the towels they use and hang them over other laundry baskets to dry (only takes a day and I usually layer them), then I fold them up and put them back in the closet, like they've just been laundered! Yep, I have to use the laundromat, so it saves me lots and towels make big loads. They still haven't caught on. Source: Source is from one tired mom with lots of laundry! By Christie from Turlock, CA Did you know that a foot square microfiber cloth absorbs a cup of water? I use one as a face cloth / wash-rag in the shower, wring it out and then use it for a quick wipe-down to catch all the drops of water on me, before I step out of the shower. After that, the real towel is mostly for invigorating the skin, and barely gets a bit damp. An hour later, just hanging on the towel rod, that towel is perfectly dry again, and a snappy shake fluffs it quite nicely. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But, if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon here and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the confirmation request
. If you don't get it, then you, your mother or your ISP have Ophelia blocked
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this here cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
» Magellan Straights
ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!
Well, , that's all for today. Have FUN ! Dear Webby from Webby.com





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