Don't use Digital Zoom! 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 30
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you Cindy!


Thanks to Neil for this valuable info about moving the HOME 
button on recent versions of FireFox:

To move firefox home button (or any other for that matter)
Open the Customize window via "View > Toolbars > Customize" or 
via "Firefox > Options > Toolbar Layout"
Drag the Home button from its current position at the right to the 
left end of the location bar. 

Thanks Neil!
Ignore the stuff that opens, just take that as a signal, 
that the top of the browser is unlocked, and that you can drag 
any and all stuff around.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." --- George Burns A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. --- William Blake (1757 - 1827)
A teacher caught a student in the hall during class time and said, "Jill, tell me, whose class you're cutting this time?" The young teen said, "Like, uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it." The teacher smiled and said, "It's your English class, isn't it?"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a Yuppie started to choke on a bone. A man rushed over, reassured the Yuppie that he was going to be all right and identified himself as a doctor. He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you?" The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."
Two little boys were sitting on the dock talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said, "My grandfather has a wooden leg." The other little boy replied, "So what? My grandma has a cedar chest." Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to First American Funding Co. Columbus mortgage firm hit with largest 'no call' fine in state history A Columbus residential mortgage company has been ordered to pay $144,000 to the state for violating the Wisconsin "no call" law, in what the attorney general is calling the largest judgment against a company for violating the law in state history. First American Funding Co. was sued by the state earlier this year for "massive violations" of the no-call law. The no-call law allows phone users in Wisconsin to put their phone numbers on the no-call list, supposedly prohibiting companies from making unsolicited sales calls. According to the state's complaint, First American Funding made about 3 million telephone solicitation calls in 2010, with half or more of those calls in some months going to numbers on the "no-call" list. "As this judgment shows, those who ignore the Wisconsin 'no-call' list do so at their own peril," said Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen in a press release announcing the judgment. If First American Funding violates the terms of the settlement with the state, it could face up to $750,000 in fines. More than 60 consumers filed complaints about the company with the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Herber Re: Digital Zoom Dear Webby I am not at all impressed with the Digital zoom on my camera. How high is it safe to go with it? Herber Dear Herber Don't use the digital zoom at all. It's just idiot bait that sales people use to catch people who don't have a clue about digital cameras. All the digital zoom does is increase the size of the pixels. That makes it appear almost like a zoom or an enlargement in your paint program, except it makes everything coarse and jaggy. Leave the digital zoom set at 0 or 1, get a sharp picture, and enlarge that, if necessary, in your paint program. With the real glass zoom, clarity and sharpness depend MORE on how steady the camera is than on the price of the optics. For the absolute steadiest base of a camera, use an old, soft leather purse filled with sand or bird shot. Second best is a well soaked wooden surveyor's tripod. Third best is a twenty-pound or better movie camera tripod. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Cut Flowers Last Longer To prolong the life of cut flowers in a vase, add a couple of drops of chlorine bleach. Never submerse any of the stem with leaves in the water. It adds to the decay factor. By Teresa from Vine Grove, KY http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Bob for this: When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish... He really wanted a drink, but he just couldn't bring himself to buy one.

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Roboform and FireFox 7 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 29

Got the results of the tests. Apparently my heart was pumping
at 38% of what it should have. That is no surprise to me. 
In that silly torture position I shut down like a tiger waiting 
for some food to come close enough.

They are going to do the walking test next week.
I wonder if they are practising or training?


Sandie asked me about the Tritium, that supposedly escaped
at the Palisades nuclear power plant in Michigan.

Tritium is a harmless isotope of hydrogen, and like hydrogen
or helium, it goes straight up. In captivity, it fires off Beta
particles, just like the green dots on gramma's alarm clock.
They go about a quarter inch in clean air, less in dirty air,
and they can not penetrate the dead outermost layer of skin.

If you were hoping for mutated mutts and purple cats, you
are out of luck. Tritium has always been around power plants,
but since it is harmless and rather useless, nobody except
reporters desperate for something to exaggerate, has paid
any attention to it. Tritium is like the Ozone generated in
light switches and breakers. Yes, sure, and so what?
It is measurable, but of absolutely no consequence.
Don't worry about it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Think you can, think you can’t; either way, you’ll be right. --- Henry Ford "There are more important things in life than money, but they won't go out with you if you're broke." --- Socratex
Thanks to Bill fro this: You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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A girl said to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker." He replied, "Well, that depends. Are you going sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"
I overheard a couple talking while they came out of a ressaturant and discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, each of the hogs back on the farm are worth more than a tractor." Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Misael Ruiz, 31 in Salinas California Man Posing As Female Prostitute Shot By Stun Gun SALINAS, Calif. -- Monterey County sheriff's deputies said they arrested a 31-year-old Salinas man who posed as a female prostitute before getting into a fight on Highway 101. On Tuesday night, Bryan Oster offered to pay Misael Ruiz, who he believed was a woman, $60 for sexual acts, Deputy Nicholas Kennedy said. Ruiz agreed and got into the 36-year-old's 1986 Silver Nissan, authorities said. After doing the sex acts inside the Nissan, the prostitute attempted to take more than $60 from Oster while he was driving, Kennedy said. The two men broke into a fight that eventually spilled into the street. "Oster produced a Taser electric stun device and repeatedly tried to use this device on Ruiz in order to retrieve his cash," Kennedy said. While wearing women's clothing, eyebrow liner, and lipstick, Ruiz fought back by beating Oster with a large rock, deputies said. While the two men were fighting, witnesses called 911 and deputies arrived on the scene at 11:25 p.m. Both men were arrested and booked into the Monterey County Jail. Ruiz, of Pearl Street in Salinas, was charged with prostitution and Oster was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, deputies said.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Sue Re: RoboForm problem with FireFox 7 Dear Webby You talked me into using RoboForm many yeaars ago, and I am very glad and grateful you did. The other day FireFox updated to version 7, which is OK, except for putting the HOME icon onto the far right corner, which is usually shoved beyond the edge of the screen. What is NOT OK is that RoboForm does not work with FireFox7. What do you recommend? Going to an earlier version of FireFox? Thanks Sue Dear Sue Just go to roboform.com and download the current version, and do a really lazy install. It takes a while converting all your 6900 user names and passwords to the new format, so don't be impatient. Close down FireFox and let it do it's thing, while you go do the dishes. If you close down FireFox after starting the RoboForm Re-installation, it won't need your input, and it will be quite safe to even have breakfast. When you return, start up FireFox and it will have the familiar RoboForm bar and all your passwords will work as usual. However, if you get impatient and start FireFox before the RoboForm re-installation is completed, it won't work, and there might even be a danger, that you trash some passwords. So, do a lazy and patient installation, without messing around while it does it's thing, and it will work just fine. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules. Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?" "My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp." "You wake up at six o'clock?" "Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Moon Sand For "moon sand", mix 9 cups play sand (really fine sand you can find at Wal-Mart). Add 3 cups cornstarch and 2 1/4 to 2 1/2 cups water. Start with 2 1/4 cup and continue adding water until you have the desired consistency. Mix well. Cover and store in an airtight container. You may need to add a few tablespoons of water if it needs to be moistened. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man walked into a beer joint near Waco and ordered a beer. Just then President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, the stranger looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass, too," he muttered. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him flat. The man said, climbing back up to the bar, "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," says the bartender, "horse country." ------ Feel free to change the names in that joke. Originally it featured Napoleon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Ralph was an Air Force colonel. He routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize himself with their capabilities. One day he was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed him his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew--like instant messaging." Nodding, he moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Hide the game! Brass coming your way!"

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10 Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School 

Misconception Number 1:
Moms miss their kids when they go back to school.

Seriously. I've had enough of you by now. Every morning with the "what are we going to do today, Mom?" is finally over. I've had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It's time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It's over..You're going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it's called "back to school".

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.

Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes? So I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What's wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn't mind so much..why not pencils, erasers and vodka ...or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.

Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You're the teacher. I'm the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can't get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I'm pretty old school. If he doesn't listen to you, you can throw something at him. I don't care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I'm paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I'm pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I've never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We're all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.

How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn't have a nickname..call him "stink butt" for all I care. We don't have any "special circumstances" that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can't get his homework done on time then he won't be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to "educate" him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I'm covering it the old way, brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can't multitask?

PS. Please tell my son if he can't find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.

What? I am scared out of my mind. I'm pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don't really know my 12 times tables. I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don't know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song "conjunction junction what's your function" if that helps at all. And please don't even say the words "new Math" to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can't wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.

I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of "mom fun", lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with. I'm sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.

I don't know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn't at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it "after-hours activities" so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don't worry about us though I'm sure that me and "what's his name" will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don't mind taking you to school if you miss the bus.

Your bus comes at 7:10 am..which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast, chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I'm taking a shower. Get it together! I don't like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming "Please wait" or "If you stop I'll show you my boobies."

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school.

We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO's run million dollar businesses. But you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you've made the world a better place."




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List picture names on CD into a file 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 28

I did all the tests at the hosital, except the six minute walk
with an escort. They chickened out. Instead of it they cranked 
the MRI bench into an uncomfortable position, and made me
stretch my arms above my head for half an hour. Apparently 
that stresses the heart the same way. A lot less fun, though.
I will find out the results tomorrow.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' --- Theodore Roosevelt The final test of a leader is that he leaves behind him in other men the conviction and the will to carry on. --- Walter Lippman
Thanks to Sandie for this story: At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled... "Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person, who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Several women were visiting an elderly friend who was ill. After awhile, they rose to leave and told her; "We will keep you in our prayers." "Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read: "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way to avoid getting court-marshalled for stealing a ship." Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melissa Minarsich, 28 in Iowa City, Iowa Sex Bid Rebuffed, Woman Hits Man, Is Nailed By Cops SEPTEMBER 27--“All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?” That’s what Melissa Minarsich said to police last night when they arrived at her Iowa City home in response to a call of a “female out of control.” As detailed by Minarsich, 28, she got into an altercation with her boyfriend “because he would not have sex with her.” An Iowa City woman is accused of ripping a door off a house and striking her boyfriend because he refused to have sex with her. Melissa B. Minarsich, 28, of 131 Taft Speedway, is charged with domestic abuse assault, second offense, after the argument at 10:24 p.m. Monday at her residence. Officers were called to the residence for a report of a female out of control. Minarsich’s boyfriend, with whom she has an 8-month-old son, said she became upset when he refused to have sex with her, according to police reports. Minarsich, who smelled strongly of alcohol and had slurred speech, admitted to police this was the case. “All I want is a piece of ass, is that too much to ask for?” Minarsich asked the police. Minarsich is accused of hitting her boyfriend a few times without injury and ripping the storm door off the house. She was previously convicted of domestic assault in Iowa in 2009, according to records.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Erin Re: List picture names on CD into a file Dear Webby I want the names of the pictures on some CDs listed in a file, that I can pull into a spreadsheet for sorting and finding specific pictures, without having to load all the CDs and search through each of them. I'm sure you have some trick similar to your xcopy trick. Erin Dear Erin Yes, sure. If you just want the file names, and assuming your CD is in the D: drive, use dir /b D:\ > listname1.txt then for the next CD use dir /b D:\ > listname2.txt and so on. Then you can open those text files, copy the content and paste them into a spreadsheet. Paste them into column B, and copy for example CD-1 into the cells in column A as far down as there are file names. Then do the same for the next CD file, but label each row in column A for that CD. You can even color each batch with a different background color. That way you can later sort them alphabetically, and instantly see which CD has the file you are looking for, for example, light green, CD12. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they were the: "Fast Action Response Team" ... gotta love their acronym" F.A.R.T.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Comment from Susan: I would have annotated this (yesterday's tip about using a dog-tag instead of a medical alert bracelet) by urging someone with serious medical issues to get a Medic Alert bracelet or necklace to wear on her person 24/7. EMTs are not to be looking at her car keys if they come across this person in a diabetic coma, they will be looking at her neck and wrist and taking her vital signs. If she had a car accident and her keys are in the car and she's in the road, nobody is going to rush to her car to examine her keychain. Medic Alerts carry a phone number they can call for detailed information and the item itself carries the most important information, not just "Diabetic". It's true you have to pay more for Medic Alert but if one's health is of concern it's well worth it. This tip could convey a false sense of security to people with medical issues. Susan Keep Pins in Prescription Bottle Keep straight pins in a prescription medication bottle. This keeps them out of children's hands. By kirstenenswan from Logan, UT http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A new employee is invited to the boss's house for dinner, just as a way of welcoming him into the company. After they had eaten a large meal, the new employee leans sideways on his chair and lets rip an almighty fart. The boss, with a look of disgust, turns to the man and says, "How dare you fart in front of my wife?!" The man replies, "Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize it was her turn!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Force copying without stopping due to problems 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 27

By the time you are reading this, I will be on the road to
Foothills Hospital on the far side of Calgary. They want 
to do a whole bunch of fancy testing, from MRI to injecting
me with a radioactive dye to measure exactly how much
blood my heart pumps per stroke. 

One of the tests supposedly has me instrumented for 16 EKG
measurement points and hiking the hallways of the hospital 
"for six minutes while accompanied by an escort". 
Yeah, sure.
I imagine the escort will be some old docs on an electric
golf cart, yelling at me to walk slower, but I am quite willing
to let them surprise me.

I'll tell you all about how it went tomorrow.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of them again." --- Socratex "Chance only favors a prepared mind" --- Louis Pasteur
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. The patient responded, with a deliberately slurry and sleepy voice: "Don't be silly, the attack lasted only 6 hours! I just got to where I ducktaped that preacher's mouth, when it ended."
If you want to make some money on the side,
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A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her little daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you heard Mommy say." the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lawd, why in he-all did I let Dave invite all these ungwatefull smobs to dinner again!?!"
Thanks to Betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture. Red Maple among the Blue Eyed Marys
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19, in Covina, Cdalifornia Three Stooges Three Covina men are behind bars after they allegedly stole a 30-pack of Tecate beer from a market and attempted to escape but crashed a car and hit an employee who chased them, then one ran through a car wash and another left behind his ID. Andy Huynh, Nicholas Kalscheuer and Nicholas Fiumetto, all 19, were arrested Wednesday on charges of robbery, assault with a deadly weapon and resisting arrest, according to a Covina police report. Kalscheuer and Fiumetto entered the Baja Ranch Market about 3 p.m. Wednesday while Huynh remained behind the wheel of a car nearby. Inside the store, Fiumetto grabbed a 30-pack of beer and the two men ran out. Employees ran after the pair into the parking lot, grabbing and detaining Kalscheuer and later turning him over to police, according to the report. Fiumetto, meanwhile, threw the beer in the car and jumped in the front passenger seat. As Huynh pulled out, an employee jumped on the hood of the car to avoid getting run over. Huynh careened through the parking lot, crashing against a curb and sending the employee onto the pavement, scraping his arms in the fall, according to the report. Huynh and Fiumetto ran off. Fiumetto climbed a fence and ran into the Citrus Car Wash next door. Pepe Pinedo, the car wash manager, was standing amid drying cars when he saw Fiumetto, pursued by two officers, run into the car wash tunnel. At the time, "there were two cars being washed in the tunnel," Pinedo said. "He got into the wash and the rollers and got all wet." "By the time, he came out of the car wash, the officer was already on the other end of the tunnel," he continued. "It was kind of funny. It was a nice show." Huynh ran off but had left his wallet and identification in the car. Police officers contacted him later and convinced him to turn himself in. All three men are expected to be arraigned in court Friday. Until then, they are being held in Covina City Jail in lieu of $50,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Trudy Re: Force copying Dear Webby When I try copying my mail directory over to the machine that has the CD burner, the Windows Explorer keeps tripping up on all kinds of silly things, and of course each time aborts the copying. This is driving me absolutely nuts! Is there a way to do it from the DOS command line? Trudy Dear Trudy That problem goes back a lot further than Windows and is a bug in the copy command. Somebody forgot to put in a way to recover from an error, just list it and get on with the job. Incidentally, that is one of the major reasons DOS or Windows never got mission critical certification. Luckily around the time of DOS 2 somebody ported the UNIX xcopy command eo DOS and Microsoft later adopted it very quietly. Even though it works well, to this day there are very few people that seem to know and use it. As is common with UNIX commands, xcopy has about two dozen "switches" to make it do exactly what you want. If you want to see and print all of the options, go to the command line: START RUN cmd then type xcopy /? You might want to print out the list of switches, or write your favorite ones on a piece of tape on the monitor rim, like a lot of pros do. To copy a directory (folder) and it's subdirectories without stopping for machine specific config files, which you don't want to copy or overwrite anyway, and copy only those files which are newer on the source than the destination, copy hidden and system files, overwrite Read-Only files, not show the list of files as they scroll down the screen, and YES, dangit, copy the stuff without any silly prompts, then use these switches: xcopy source destination /S /V /C /H /Q /R /Y You don't have to be at the source or the destination for that to work. You can have that command in a text file with a .bat extension, and hae that file in your toolbox folder, or even on your desktop. Like all DOS commands, xcopy works fine in bats. You can put that line into a batchfile and make a desktop shortcut icon to it. That way you simply click on that shortcut icon and it wheelbarrows all the new or changed files in your mail directory AND it's subdirectories over to the machine with the CD burner, without any fuss whatsoever. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost much. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads. The fee for that is only $750."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

» Molten Chocolate







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True Story or Urban Legend 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, September 26


All that accomplishes for them is losing respect. 
Nobody likes the searches at the airports, and any group
trying to get exemptions on religious grounds just isolates
them. They obviously won't get their exemptions, so why
be a nuisance about it?

Until now the Sikhs had earned respect by being more
mature and civilized than other turban wearers, but events
like this will erode that respect very quickly!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in alcohol." ---Thomas Blackburn To do is to be --- Descartes To be is to do --- Voltaire Do be do be doo - --- Frank Sinatra Make love, not war --- Richard Leary Hell, do both, get married! --- Rosy
Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent." "Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother." "I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You can gladly take her with you."
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On a high school science quiz in Florida there was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases."
Thanks to Betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture. The geese are getting organized for their trip south.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Marsha Munley, 37 and William Rice, 44 of Denham Springs, LA Crooks busted after they walked into Sheriff's Office DENHAM SPRINGS, LA — According to Fox 44 in Baton Rouge, a rash of vacuum thefts in Livingston Parish had the Sheriff’s Office baffled. That is until the thieves unwittingly drove themselves straight into Deputy custody. During the afternoon hours on Wednesday, Sept. 21, a deputy looked out of his office window and couldn’t believe what he saw. It was the vehicle they had been seeking in connection to a series of thefts that had occurred over the past week at a car wash establishment. Detectives determined that the couple would break the lock mechanisms to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal the coins they found in the trash containers located inside. (Not the coin operation strong-box, but the odd coins vacuumed up along with cigarette butts and dropped fries.) No less than four businesses were victimized by the pair. The investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming. The vehicle had been caught on surveillance cameras. The driver of the 1990’s model red and white Chevy Suburban that was caught on tape went into the Sheriff’s Office to file a theft complain in an unrelated matter. Detectives took the statement of William Rice, 44, of Denham Springs and his female companion Marsha Munley, 37, also of Denham Springs. Once they took the statement, the duo was taken into custody and they were each charged with 3 counts of Simple Criminal Damage to Property and 1 Count Simple Theft. The investigation is ongoing and more charges are forthcoming. Rice and Munley are currently locked up in the Livingston Parish Detention Center. Their bond has been set at $2,000. Officials say that Rice and Munley would break the lock mechanism to gain entry into vacuum cleaners and steal the coins in the trash.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Ms Liebsock Re: TRUE STORY Dear Webby TRUE STORY ... Dear Ms Liebsock Whenever you see "TRUE STORY" and it comes from AOL, it is a hoax. Also, if it comes from AOL and you read "As announced by Microsoft (or IBM, or AOL, or McAfee, or etc.) you can also file it on the same shelf. And take it with a big grain of salt. For tons of examples of "TRUE STORY" hoaxes click on the Urban Legend link in the left side margin of the Humor Letter. There are nowhere near all of them there, but plenty to keep you laughing for years. Have FUN! DearWebby
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President Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president (1923 to 1929) was a man of very few words. One Sunday he went to church, but his wife, Grace, stayed home. When he returned, she asked, "Was the sermon good?" "Yup," was Coolidge's brief reply. "What was it about?" Grace asked. "Sin." "And what did the minister say?" "Seems to be against it."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Jeanne for this: As a frequent flier, I get annoyed when other passengers disregard the airline attendant's pleas to stay seated when the plane taxies to the gate. One attendant captured my heart by announcing: "The captain will be parking the aircraft at Gate 41 in approximately two minutes. I've seen the captain's car. So if I were you, I'd remain seated."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
"Ode to the Spell Checker!" Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.

» Globa Obelisks







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Filter spam by conent, not by FROM address 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, September 25

Thank you Patricia!

Sandie sent me a link to an ancient roman shipyard, that has
been uncovered, right where all the old books said it had been,
in the ancient Roman suburb of Portus.
Roman Shipyard 

What seems incredible to me is not the shipyard, but that Rome
in those days was already bigger than San Francisco is now,
and at that time coped quite well. Imagine the garbage, water 
and sewer bills in a Million+ town distributed on stone or clay
tablets! 

The cops in those days were strictly foot patrols. No cop
cars, no guns. But they managed.

They didn't have a problem with illegals. Everybody paid taxes,
except for the slaves. If somebody didn't want to pay taxes, 
they better liked seafood, because they got a job as a chained
on rower on a ship, for life. But that was no problem. Immigrants
stood in line to get onto the tax rolls, that gave them the 
protection of the Pax Romana, the set of laws, upon which
all of our laws are based. Yeah, based on, and heavily amended
so as to be sometimes the opposite of the original.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. --- Oscar Levant Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. --- Miss Piggy One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. --- Socratex To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. --- Socratex Women like silent men, they think they're listening. --- Socratex
Here is a delightful classic: Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she explained, "and I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I found the same darn book. I had bought it twice before."
Thanks to betty for this picture: Click through for the big picture.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Natalie Behnke, 25, in Clearwater, FL Unauthorized stripper Clearwater, Florida -- She took off her clothes and asked customers for money. That's not an unusual occurrence at the Baby Dolls gentleman's club in Clearwater, but the problem is, Natalie Behnke was no exotic dancer. When the Pinellas Sheriff's Office was called to the club Tuesday night, the responding deputy was greeted by Behnke, 25, at the front door in her underwear. She was described as emotional and intoxicated. he club's manager told the deputy Behnke was inside earlier when she began taking off her clothes and approaching customers, asking for money. The manager reportedly told her to put her clothes back on, but Behnke refused and became aggressive with the female employees when they told her she could not do what she was doing. Behnke was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication. Mugshots of her last 7 arrests are here. Most were for False ID, Driving while License Suspended, DUI, etc.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: George Re: Can't block mail with bad return addresses Dear Webby... I received this spam at my old address, but am unable to add the address to the 'Blocked Sender List' because of the '-' ! My question for you: How can I get rid of this spammer? From: comcast@unspecified-domain George Dear George The problem is not the dash, but the missing ".com" "unspecified-domain" means the spammer didn't specify a domain. I don't bother filtering by the usually forged FROM address. I filter by the content. Look for something in the content, that you see only in spam but not in legitimate mails, and filter for that. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Now this is a real classic. The first time I saw that, it was on the old Fax-Jokes circuit. JOB OFFER Reverend Samuel Joesph Woodstone 515 North Lilly Street Dallas, Texas Dear Sir, You may have seen me on television during my crusade, preaching the word and begging people to change their lives. Sitting behind me was a rather worn, battered, weathered, poor excuse for a human by the name of Headford Lonston. He is a serious drunk, womanizer and exhibits all that is wrong with mankind. I point to him during my services to show how drinking, smoking, drugs, and mis-using Gods talents can destory a man. Mr Headford also had the worst BO in the world and the worst breath. Mr Headford would just nod his head, fart, belch, scratch his butt and grin with his two teeth as I would preach the word of God to the masses. Well about two weeks ago Headford passed away, a miserable excuse for a man. I prayed over his souless body hoping beyond hope that God in His wisdom would forgive Headford. So this brings me aroung to the point of this letter. I am in need of another Headford and many of your friends, family and work mates have suggested you as the only possible heir to Heaford's job. Please respond so we may make plans to continue to do the Lord's work. Sincerely, The Rev Sam Woodstone
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Dog Tag for Medical Information I purchased a dog tag from PetSmart and on one side I have my name and phone number, on the other side I list O-POS / DIABETIC. It's attached to my key chain just in case of an emergency and can easily be seen. By CaroleeRose from Madison, AL http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bob's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind him--lights flashing. Bob hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call. Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A couple of country doctors in West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, this crazy birth thang is gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!" The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"

» Ocelots







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Don't bounce spam, just dump it 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, September 24

Yesterday was a day of vivid colors.
When I finally finished Thursday's work at 7 am, the sky
over the prairies in the East was on fire. You see the 
picture further down.

In the evening it was still hot from the afternoon, so I
delayed my walk until the temperature dropped below 27º
(80 F). By then a light breeze made it more comfortable.
I hiked to Mainstreet, then up to the water tower, over to 
the hospital and back down into the valley via the hospital 
trail. 

The sun had set before I got to mainstreet, but unlike in the 
South, it takes well over an hour to get dark here. As I came
down the trail from the hospital, the sky is the West was 
bright white gold to yellow and fading into navy blue above.
Boring, very boring, compared to the sky in the North-Northwest.
There we had ripples of hundreds of shades of pink and purple,
getting darker toward the top, and the town below already dark 
with street lights and windows lit.

I was wishing I had brought my camera, but even more wished
I was not the only one seeing it.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --- Sir Winston Churchill I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a carton of cigarettes. "The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them." "Why not?" asked her friend. "Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell." "Hmmm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . did he mention anything about including matches in the package?"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman. "Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?" "I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller than the other.'" "The job is yours."
Click through for the big picture. This was the sky in the east at 7:00 am yesterday. Where I stood, it was still pitch dark, and the picture had to be a long exposure. That is why the wind shaking the leaves made the trees fuzzy, and the clouds too.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Albert Metz Jr., 67 in CASPER, Wyo 2 DUIs in one night A 67-year-old Wyoming man managed to get two DUIs in one night, the Casper Star-Tribune reports. Albert Metz Jr. posted his bond and was released about 2 hours after the first arrest - the county has always allowed it - then got pulled over again for blowing a stop sign about 25 minutes later (right outside the jail). His blood-alcohol level had dipped from .087 to .061, but was still over the state limit.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Joyce Re: Bounced mail comes back Dear Webby... Re: bad return addresses Dear Webby, I love my "MailWasher Pro" but lately I have been getting some of my bounced mail back again from their server saying that the return address has a fatal error. Well, we both know that it is just the spammers way of trying to get around my "MailWasher Pro", What I want to know: is there a way of not getting all these mail delivery failed notices, a setting that I don't have working for me or something? Thank you for your great humor newsletter, it's so informative that I can't wait to read the next one. PS. I also enjoy the humor, Joyce Dear Joyce Personally I don't waste time bouncing any more. All the return addresses on spam are forged anyway. You can turn off bouncing in Mailwasher by going to TOOLS, Email Accounts, BOUNCING. Once you turn that off, your mail delivery failed notices should stop You can still turn that on again, if the preview shows a message from your mother-in-law announcing a visit. It's easy enough making filters for known senders and send regular spam to the trash without showing it, and only show in the.preview list what you actually want to preview. Have you played with the filters yet ? Have FUN! DearWebby
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While I was attending a law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us. Translated it means "To hear the other party." After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule. Responded one man "My Wife."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Cotton from Bottle Packaging I am now saving the cotton that is packaged in vitamin and other bottles. These small pieces found at the top of the bottle can be used as cotton balls for removing nail polish or other similar applications. By Theresa from East Kingston, NH http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, Paul finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Belinda was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So Bob ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. Belinda watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's a nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," replied the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

» Recycled Horseshoes







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When Hotkeys don't work 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 23
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

You may have heard bits and pieces about the shopping bag war
between the glib Algorian profiteers and the conventional bag 
industry. 

Because too many people did NOT fall for the BS, the reusable bag 
company known as ChicoBag did what any good environmental 
alarmist would do: they lied. 
When they got too far fetched with their lies, ChicoBag got sued 
and lost,  but not until after some towns in California had been 
"persuaded", (note, I did not quite say "bribed"), into forbidding 
the use of regular disposable shopping bags,
which have a 390 times smaller "Carbon Footprint" than the
dirt and bacteria hoarding and multiplying Chico Bags.

Subscriber Martin sent me a link to a site, that untangles
the Shopping bag mess 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Don't find fault, find a remedy. --- Henry Ford
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
now you can use the GTR Money Machine

Thanks to Anna for this one: My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Angela DeHart, 23 in Beaver, WV Woman Stole Hearse With Corpse In Back SEPTEMBER 21 The West Virginia woman, 23, is facing a pair of felony charges for stealing a hearse containing a body and driving home in it early yesterday. According to police, the hearse--parked outside the Ritchie and Johnson Funeral Home in Beckley--was swiped shortly after midnight on Tuesday. The driver, cops reported, had briefly left the hearse unattended--with its door open--while he entered the funeral home, presumably to get help with unloading the corpse. The driver, Kenneth Bly, “pulled into the parking lot…in order to unload a corpse” from the 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood hearse, according to a court affidavit. As Bly walked toward the funeral home’s entrance, he spotted DeHart, who “jumped into the vehicle.” Cops noted that, “Bly witnessed the defendant’s actions and yelled ‘Hey!’” DeHart, seen in the above mug shot, then “accelerated from the parking lot.” The hearse was recovered several hours later in the vicinity of DeHart’s home in the nearby borough of Beaver. A witness had called cops to report that a “very emotional” DeHart “had just pulled up to his residence…and that the defendant had been operating a black hearse.” The corpse, which had been laying inside a gurney in the hearse, “had been moved by some means and was laying on its side,” reported Detective Jamie Blume. The deceased was an 85-year-old woman. When officers confronted DeHart early yesterday at her home, she reportedly confessed to stealing the hearse. DeHart, who celebrated her birthday Monday, told investigators that she had engaged in a verbal argument with her wife/girlfriend and exited the vehicle in which they were traveling early Tuesday morning. As she began walking, DeHart said she “observed the hearse running next to the funeral parlor. She admitted that, after taking the car, she drove it to Beaver” and contacted a friend seeking advice as to what she should do with the stolen wheels. Charged with grand larceny and displacement of a dead body, both felonies, DeHart was booked into jail this afternoon. She is being held in lieu of $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Scotty Re: ALT key does not work Dear Webby... I tried punchin on alt on my keyboard and nuthin' happened. As you can see, I am not a PC whiz Scotty Dear Scotty Try this: Hold down the ALT key, and without letting go, hit one of the keys, that are underlined in top or pull-down menus, for example F. For an easy example, to save a file as a new file do this: ALT (hold down, don't let go) F ( File ) let go of both ALT and F A (save As) type in the new file name ENTER That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping address of their customers to make them fit on the printed labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently was not amused when the label on their box displayed, "Ass Of God Church".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tent Plants in Plastic Wrap When On Vacation I have many houseplants and I have found an excellent way to keep them from drying out when we go on vacation. Water plants first, then tent smaller house plants with plastic wrap. I have several large potted plants that cannot be tented. I cover the base of the plant at dirt level with the plastic wrap. When I return from vacation, my plants are still happy and don't even need to be watered. This was a remarkable discovery for me. I no longer have to have someone come in during the week to water them. If you want to make sure my tip works, try it on one of your houseplants a few weeks before your vacation. By Jo from Riverside, RI http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Myrtle was traveling North from Miami on I-95 when she spotted a hitchiker. He was pretty good-looking, so she decided she'd pick him up. They started the usual chit-chat, and she turned on the charm. Things were going well and she thought sure he'd ask her on a date soon, but then somehow he let it slip that he was a convict on the run. "What were you in prison for?" she asked. "I murdered my wife and children," he cooly responded. Without a moment's hesitation, she added hopefully, "oh, so you're single...?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, whut's thaaat?" he said. His Canadian friend looked out and said, "Oh, that's a moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yore cats aroond here?"

» Forest Wanderer







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Colored backgrounds in email 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 22

Thanks to Verna for this picture:



It is amazing how wacky some people's ideas about Equinox are.
One nutty Flat-Earther even claimed that at Equinox both poles 
see the sun all day. He obviously has never been in the arctic 
or the antarctic, and has been smoking too much of the wrong 
kind of stuff.

Equinox literally means Equal Night. Ignore the sappy drivel
of the bozos, who are trying to tell you that is not so, and that
for the Flat-Earthers it has nothing to do with equal night, 
but where the sun is. 

Yeah, sure, the sun is up there. 
In the temperate zones around that time of year we have 
Equal Night and Day. That is why it has been called
Equi Nox for a few thousand years.
After Equinox the days are shorter than the night in the northern 
hemisphere, and longer than the night in the southern hemisphere.

I spent 30 years in the arctic. Up there, where you have no 
sun at all in midwinter and really appreciate every minute 
more sun, that you get in spring, and dread every minute less
that you get in fall, Equinox is quite important. 
Spring Equinox is a VERY cheerful party time. 

Fall Equinox is not cheerful at all in the arctic. It is time to 
get ready for the long and dark winter, get the firewood,
winter tires, check the tire chains, snow blower, etc.,
tilt the solar panels up, rig the water pump for winter, 
and so on.  And yearn for Spring Equinox.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't. --- Mark Twain
Milkman Notes These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambience to them. "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one." "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk." "Cancel one pint after the day after today." "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it" "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk." "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today." "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole." "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks." "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round." "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress. "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea." "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle." "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me." "Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant." "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it." "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk." "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight." "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday." "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk. "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
If you want to make some money on the side,
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A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Juan Aguirre, 21, Salina, Kansas Kansas is fighting back! History's Most Pathetic Burglary Of A Sex Shop Kansas used to be the Bonehead state of the US, but lately Florida has been dominating the stage. In a remarkably botched (and embarrassing) burglary, a Kansas man yesterday broke into a sex shop and stole six X-rated movies. Well, actually, Juan Aguirre is accused of pilfering six empty DVD cases. The 21-year-old apparently was unaware that the cases he pinched were for display, and devoid of the corresponding discs. According to the Salina Police Department, Aguirre early yesterday shattered the front door glass at Cirilla’s, causing $500 in damages. During a canvass of the area after the break-in, cops questioned Aguirre, who was spotted riding a bicycle in the vicinity of the sex shop. A search of the suspect’s backpack turned up the DVD cases and a sledgehammer head, that was attached to a rope. In a sad epilogue to the burglary, investigators valued the recovered five DVD cases at less than $5 apiece, according to a Salina Police Department report. Charged with burglary, criminal damage to property, and theft, Aguirre is being held in the Saline County jail in lieu of $6000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Helen Re: Colored background in email Dear Webby, Asking for your genius once again. Is there an easy way to create emails with a light colored background? Thanks! Helen Dear Helen With Outlook there is no easy way to do that. The default backgrounds are hard "fist on the eye" colors like you see with some spam. It's better if you work with background textures (outlook message window -> format -> background -> picture -> put your own) There are lots of sites on the web where you can get good backgrounds. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only comes up chest-high on my little ducklings there!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Making Quick Curtains With Sheets When I have a sheet that is too nice to use in dog kennels, I make it into a double sided small window curtain. If you have a smaller window in your home, garage, or office, this idea would be perfect since you don't need a large amount of material. By Sarah from MN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten. "Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!" At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him. "So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?" The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Isn't this 223-1374?" "No, this is 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

» Magdeburg Water Bridge







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Disconnect router to stop abuse 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 21

Thank you Jim!

Have a look where the sun rises and where it sets today and
in the next two days. Those directions are precisely East 
and West. In case you ever set up a sun dial, you will
need to know those directions. The astronomer's theoretical
equinox is not until the 23rd, but the farmers say it is on 
the 21st, and that after the 21st the nights are longer than 
the days.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it." --- Hal Chadwick
From Kathy: For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?" "They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com- panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
If you want to make some money on the side,
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A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Police and the City of South Pasadena, California Fined for good deed SOUTH PASADENA (CBS) — We’ve all heard the saying: no good deed goes unpunished . . . and that’s exactly what happened to a South Pasadena resident who was issued a ticket by police for his charitable act. When a major traffic light in the area went out again Thursday morning, Alan Ehrlich took matters into his own hands, directing traffic at Fair Oaks and Huntington avenues. “I grabbed a bright orange shirt that I have and a couple of orange safety flags. I took it upon myself to help get motorists through that intersection faster,” said Ehrlich. Before Ehrlich stepped in, traffic was backed up for more than a mile and it took more than 30 minutes to get through the busy intersection. Ehrlich said the Sept. 8 incident wasn’t the first and that the light goes out regularly. “It was just kind of chaos of cars . . . there were stop signs up. But people were challenging each other to get through the intersection,” said Richard Gerrish who works at an office located at the intersection. Gerrish said Ehrlich cleared up the mess in 10 minutes. After 15 minutes, South Pasadena police say they finally responded to the scene and told Ehrlich to stop and issued him a ticket, but never stepped into direct traffic themselves. “I don’t know if this ticket is $50 or $400 dollars. It’s a small price to pay for the greater good,” Ehrlich said. South Pasadena Police Chief Joe Payne said he did not have the man power needed to staff officers at Fair Oaks and Huntington Thursday and that is safer to allow traffic to back up. “We have limited resources . . . we need to prioritize them. One of the major intersections out at rush hour in our city should be a priority,” Ehrlich added. He already has plans to address the matter at an upcoming city council meeting. Police and the city of South Pasadena say they currently have no plans to change any procedures.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Disconnect router to stop abuse re WiFi safety: shutting ones computer down will not stop the hijacking of wi-fi you need to shut off the ROUTER or MODEM. If you just shut off your computer your wi-fi still works because your computer is a separate entity to the actual wi-fi network. Dianne Thanks Dianne! Yes, if you use a wireless router and set it up without passwords, then other people within range can indeed use it, and even give you a bad name. If you don't password your network, turn your router or modem off, when you are not using it. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peel Banana from the Bottom Up If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of from the top down, you won't have those annoying stringy things from the peeling. By ashleybunkin from WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Census Bureau marked Unmarried and Single Americans Week by revealing 43.6 percent of U.S. adults over 18 were unmarried in 2010, including those who have been divorced or widowed -- at the time of the census. The figures stated 61 percent of those who were unmarried had never been married while 23.8 percent were divorced and 14.4 percent were widowed. The Census Bureau said there were 88 unmarried U.S. men for every 100 unmarried U.S. women at the time of last year's census. They predict, that playing hard to get is going to go out of fashion in the very near future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Carolyn for this story: After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness. My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"

» Big Ice







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Careful if you have a Smartphone! 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 20

From Alexa
another good substitute for a tripod is a wheat bag..you can 
make them as big or small as you want or need and you don't 
have to worry about using "food" inside them or the zip lock 
bag breaking.
If you make an extra cover for your wheat bag you can even 
wash it when the need arises. I make them and use them as 
tripod substitute and as hot and cold packs..way safer than hot 
water bottles in your bed or on your lap.
I just buy budget wheat from the pet food store to use and any 
old cotton material I have lying around
Alexa

Yes, wheat will definitely work!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back into the same box. --- Italian Proverb A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. --- Bill Vaughan Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --- Oscar Wilde
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"
If you want to make some money on the side,
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Angus has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face again. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches the bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!' 'How did you know?' he asks. 'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J Extra Sugar Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J. was arrested and charged with prostitution after police say she took breaks to provide sex in exchange for money at a local Dunkin Donuts. "She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.), supposedly a very good one," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann, who led the team of 16 investigators, said Police say the worker had a system of servicing men during her overnight shift at the restaurant. It took a SIX month investigation, surveillance involving various officers and a sting operation, but eventually they got her, arrested her and hauled her off in handcuffs. There was never any sex at Dunkin Donutes, but there may have been some in the parking lot or a short drive away from there. It took a lot of time and a lot of officers, but New Jersey's biggest criminal is not selling donuts any more! Night time sales of donuts have increased drastically since the news of the big bust.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Dianne Re: Smartphone pictures pose security risk Smartphone pictures pose security risk Dianne Thanks Dianne! Smartphone users should watch that and adjust their settings accordingly! Have FUN! DearWebby
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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked. "Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. He's half blind so I always do the driving these days."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Peel Banana from the Bottom Up If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of from the top down, you won't have those annoying stringy things from the peeling. By ashleybunkin from WV http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant. Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!" It was then he realized we'd loosened the drainpipe beneath the sink and turned the first "U" part so that it was aimed at his crotch.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Summer break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he had done. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said. "That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of it, we went to visit an aunt Ohio, O, H, I, O."

» Lost in America







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You Know It's Time to Diet When... 

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton   for your picture.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.




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Substitute for tripod 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, September 19

From John:
tell Amy the sate of Florida raises our share on Boneheads.
So, Dear Webby,  who raises the most  Boneheads? You 
decide How do you distinguish between the  dummies and 
the real  real dummies. 
thanks 
I  read Webby first, that give me  the  strength to  to the NEWS
john

Dear John
It may seem that Florida has more boneheads than other 
states, but part of that is because a lot of people retire to
Florida, and so there are a lot of people with time to report
boneheads.

For a wile, I used to get frequent reports from Russia, but 
they clamped down on that. China, on the other hand,
is relaxing a bit. Speaking of "the other hand", have a look at
Other hand

England also is a steady provider of boneheads, and so is 
California. They are all over, but whether we hear about 
them depends on the quality of reporting in those areas.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --- Abraham Lincoln Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities. --- Voltaire
Donna sent this on: After being laid off, I papered the town with my resume. Days passed, and I hadn't received a single phone call. I decided to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his real estate office. I quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Alicia Ducharme, 48 in Volusia County, Florida Salad Attack OAK HILL, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested a woman who admitted to dumping a cucumber salad over the head of her boyfriend's one-legged father. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called to the home of Michael Dyer at about 4 p.m. Tuesday by his son, Daron Dyer, who reported a domestic disturbance, the Orlando Sentinel reported Friday. Deputies said Alicia Ducharme, 48, Daron Dyer's girlfriend, had argued with Michael Dyer, who accused her of stealing food and money from him, before she dumped the salad on his head. Michael Dyer's left leg is amputated at the knee and he uses an electric scooter to get around. Deputies said Ducharme told them she was "guilty" and instructed them to arrest her, but she resisted when they attempted to handcuff her. Ducharme said Dyer had punched her in the face before the salad dump, but deputies found no evidence of injuries. Ducharme was charged with felony counts of abuse of an elderly or disabled person and resisting arrest without violence. Daron Dyer, the son, said he and Alicia will move out of his father's house and go back to trucking.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Friz Re: Substitute for tripod From Friz Dear Webby, I forgot my tripod at home, but I have to as usual make all the pictures at the family gathering. What's a quick and cheap fix? I absolutely need something to help me beacuse I know I am too jittery to take candle light shots by hand without the ugly flash. I do have a remote release. Friz Dear Friz No Panic. Just get a sturdy zip-lock plastic bag, fill it two thirds full with sugar or salt or flour. Set it onto a saucer and place the camera onto the bag. Wiggle it a bit so it sits well. You can put that saucer onto any piece of furniture, or even onto a stepladder. The camera will be rock-solid and the pictures even sharper than when you use your tripod. For permanent use you can cut six to 8 inches off an old leather jacket and glue or stitch that together as a cover for your zip-lock bag. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them missed their old home. One day, when they went to pick up their first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a conversation she overheard. One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to Christmas Mass." "Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to have a Hanukkah celebration." And your son chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going to have a barbecue."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

» Laughs 4 Everyone







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Internet Explorer can't open pages 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, September 18

Thanks to Amy:
CORRECTION:  The two idiots from your "Bonehead" story are 
from Upper Darby, PENNSYLVANIA.  I'm ashamed to say that 
we grow 'em pretty dumb in PA!
Amy

OOOPS!
The story was all over the British sites, and none would admit
what state they are in. That, the writing style, and the 
obsession about the boneheads being Lebanese, led me to 
jump to the wrong confusion. Thanks for the correction!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it gets replaced." --- John Peers When all men think alike, no one thinks very much. --- Walter Lippman
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." As he was leaving, Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "STOP! Stop! Stop! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?" "I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Joshua Seto, 27, in Chandler, AZ Shot his own penis Police say the man and his girlfriend had been on their way to the store at about 7:30 p.m. when the woman pulled her pink .380 caliber, semi-automatic Taurus, specially made to promote breast cancer awareness, from her purse. Seto took the gun and jammed into his waistband, where it went off. The bullet struck Seto's penis, then entered and exited his left thigh, according to a police report. The couple didn't immediately drive to a hospital, instead walking to a bench at the parking lot. Someone else prompted the man's girlfriend, Cara Christopher, to call 911, Favazzo says. "He's still conscious, there's just a lot of blood," Christopher told dispatchers, who then instructed her to apply pressure to the wound with a cloth. "It looks pretty bad." Seto was treated at a local hospital, but police had no update on his condition as of Thursday morning, and urge everybody to use proper holsters and not treat guns like the rubber decoys used by TV thugs. Actors are cute, but usually not smart enough to be allowed near real guns.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shonda Re: Internet Explorer can't open pages Dear Webby, I need help with Internet Explorer. Internet Explorer can't open web pages. I have to keep trying untill I can get online.Can you help me? Thank you Shonda Dear Shonda Internet Explorer is just a browser. It requires, that you are connected to the Internet. If you are not, it tries to call whatever you use for connecting and wake it up, but that is no guarantee, that you will be connected immediately. You will have to contact your ISP and get them to figure out, why you are not properly connected to them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone. After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?" "Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw, that ran on water."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What is AOL?" "It's an organization set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes about and be prejudiced about and hopefully ease off on Mac users."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold. An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye. "Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked. "No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake...."

» Sweet Tooth

The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us who work in the court didn't know was whether she had a sense of humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings the woman addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's Judge Honey."





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Food For Thought 

1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable
   to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble
   and they will remember you ...when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
   but then again neither does milk.



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Questions 

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, soon after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by three.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.





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How to turn off automatic mail checking 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, September 17

We will be having a Chinook. There was a definite arch.
When we have a Chinook, when the storm tops the Rockies, 
it splits. Half of it follows the mountains down into the foothills,
the other half continues on up high.

That provides a 50 Mile wide clear band of sky.

The part that follows the mountains down into the foothills picks
up moisture and dries the hay and grain, and rebounds straight
up. Where it mixes with the cold air at high altitude, it froms a
150 mile long arch of clouds.

The glider pilots of course love that. They use that "elevator" 
to get up high, and then ride the wave on top to get up so high,
that they need oxygen. One quick tow to get started and then
they have fun all day.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --- Josh Billings Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --- Russell Baker
Lately, during a during a violent house-shaking blizzard, my neighbor was tucking her small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" She smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a good religious home, but I want to stay with you guys instead.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby, England Would have been 30 burglaries, but they encountered a lion By Mari A. Schaefer A pair of lesbian lovers have admitted to burglarizing 29 homes but passed up one house where they encountered a lion, police said. Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby have been arrested, according to police who expect to charge them with the crimes when their initial investigation is completed. They are currently being held on unrelated charges, according to court documents. Police are continuing to check the home that reportedly held the lion. "If we find a lion it will be a bigger story than this," said Michael J. Chitwood, superintendent of police. Apparently, using a cat to deter burglars is highly illegal in England. The majority of thefts happened during daylight hours. The pair entered the homes through unlocked first floor windows. After they looted the houses, they either walked or took public transportation home, said Chitwood. All of the homes were ransacked. In one burglary the pair left with a 55-inch flat screen television and lugged it back to their apartment. Chitwood dubbed them the "Thelma and Louise bandits" and said they were lovers. "They just enjoyed stealing," said Chitwood. "They used people's homes as their own private shopping center." The burglaries occurred in the Cardington, Stonehurst and Bywood sections of the township and Lansdowne Borough. A burglary also occurred in Prospect Park Borough. The women allegedly stole iPods, jewelry, toys, electronics, sneakers, makeup, purses, toiletries, household items, and about $23,000 in cash - not including Euros, Pesos, Lire and other foreign currency. Police also recovered a hookah pipe and marijuana but, do not expect the original owners to claim those items. ------------- Apparently Lebanese burglar teams are rare in England and especially newsworthy. All their papers seem to make a big fuss about that. And if a real lion is found, the owner will of course get sued for inflicting emotional distress on the poor innocent burglars.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Frank Re: How to turn off automatic mail checking Webby Once again I need your advice and counsel... I run Mailwasher and Eudora and since yesterday my mail is going directly to Eudora. Yes, the icon for Mailwasher is blinking but the mail is already delivered. It use to be Mailwasher would notify me and I'd wash mail then go to Eudora and check mail for it to be downloaded. What has occurred an how do I go back to the way it was? This AM there was a mail from Nigeria and I did not have the chance to mark it as SPAM. Thanks once again. Frank Dear Frank In Eudora, hit TOO:LS OPTIONS and in the second panel, CHECKING MAIL put a 0 into the slot for how frequently it should check mail. That will again make it a manual check, AFTER running MailWasher, or by hitting F6 in MailWasher. By the way, blacklisting doesn't really work. Those assholes never forge the same sending address twice in a row. Just look for what is common amongst them, and make a filter. Yeah, creating a filter sounds technical, but it is really easy. You just mouse them together. After you have made one or two, it becomes a game. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, aghast: "And you did it anyway!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose. Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be used. Just put the white label over the window part. We haven't purchased envelopes in ages! By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?" Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a question." "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked. "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
That reminds me.... The wall clock in our philosophy lecture hall was about as old as the professor and had a very interesting trait. If it was hit with an eraser, it jumped ahead a couple of minutes. Naturally, that special feature was abused on a regular basis to shorten the philosophy lectures. The professor seemed to be in his own little world and appeared not to notice. Then came the semester exam. After everybody had picked up their copy of the exam booklet and settled down to do some serious cheating the professor walked around, collected all the erasors and sat at an empty spot near the front, and proceeded to throw erasers at the wall clock. For some reason that caused the cheat sheets to rustle a lot more nervously than usual.

» Nature Photos

Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help. The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man stated, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!" The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud, where's my 'grand'?" "But, this is my *mother-in-law*!" The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"





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No spam at Hughes 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, September 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thanks Debora!

The London rioters:

Nobody is surprised about those numbers, and the way they
turned the riots in Libya into a NATO bomber supported 
revolution, they bought themselves a lot of bad karma, that 
is going to come around and bite them in the butt.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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please donate what you can!

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. --- Thomas A. Edison ----------------- I agree 100%. Fencing in the village dumps hurt progress more than the stopping of the moon exploration program.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Connie L. Sumlin, 45, and Gail Trula Johnson, 58 in Erwin, TN Stole art from Arby's You may expect to hear about art theft from the Louvre or the Guggenheim or the Museum of Modern Art, but Arby’s? Two women from Erwin were charged Tuesday with stealing $1,200 worth of art work from a Johnson City Arby’s restaurant. According to Johnson City police, Connie L. Sumlin, 45, 114 Masters St., and Gail Trula Johnson, 58, Parsley St., both of Erwin, were accused of stealing art from the lobby area of Arby’s, 1909 South Roan St., on Sept. 3. On Sept. 7, police said Arby’s store manager Susan Kennedy, 43, notified police that two women, who were later identified as Sumlin and Johnson, were caught on the store’s surveillance camera stealing both a picture of pears in a wooden frame and a piece of metal wall art that had recently been purchased during remodeling of the restaurant. According to the police report, the surveillance footage showed both women stopping in the lobby to look at the art on the wall. One of the women removed both items and carried them inside, while the other woman entered the store and purchased some food before leaving. Sumlin and Johnson were later identified using the video surveillance and the transaction information from the food purchase. Both women were charged with theft over $500. They were being held in the Washington County Detention Center on $1,000 bonds. Sumlin and Johnson were scheduled to appear in Washington County Sessions Court Wednesday. Arbys usually ploughs some of their profits back into the community by buying locally produced art and salad, when available.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Nita Re: No spam at Hughes Dear Webby, Good Morning Webby, When I was on dial-up I received tons of spam every day. I have recently gotten Hughes.net and have not received any spam. My neighbor who has had Hughes for years does not get spam either. Do you have any idea where it is going? Thanks a lot for all your help over the years. Nita Dear Nita Hughes is very concerned about file transfers, since they have only a very limited amount available on the satellite. So they are weeding out spam VERY diligently. It also helps, that you retired the old address and got a new one, that the spammers don't know yet, and that now you are a lot more carful about where you use your address, than you used to be, when you were new. I would recommend, that you get a gmail address on the side. It is just as reliable, but you can easily dump it and replace it with another disposable "shopping address". Have FUN! DearWebby
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Three patients in a psychiatric institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five more years. The doctor takes the three patients to the empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump in. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why you didn't jump?" asked the doctor. "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Bird Feeder Suet This tip is for all you birdwatchers out there! This past summer I decided to start making my own suet. I make up a batch every month and store it in the freezer until I need it. Since it's warm out, I only use a small cylinder shaped wire feeder so the bigger birds can't get on it. I have had so much fun watching the baby woodpeckers feed on this and they really seem to like it better than the store bought kind. Of course, in the colder months, I will use bigger cages so all can enjoy. I use all generic products, so it's not as expensive to make. By Robbie from IN http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead! We want to see how you do that."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" He said, "I'm a former window washer." I asked, "When did you give it up?" He replied, "Oh, about halfway down."

» Money Trees

A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic. When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?" Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid and a muffler alignment."





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Most powerful spam filter 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 14

Summer was back this afternoon. Somehow I feel a lot more 
energetic in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. 

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

People who say they sleep like a baby, usually don't have one. --- Leo J. Burke I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --- Wilson Mizner
A man was going to attend a costume party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress. At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but really, when you look at all the gossiping I've done, you'll see that I've really been on your side all the time."
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From Carol: Dear Webby Once upon a time, long, long ago, you had a joke about a granny and the Hawaian Good Luck Sign. Can you PLEASE, pretty please, dig that out and print it again ? I got show it to proof that I am not nuts. Thank you sooo much! Carol No problem, Carol! Here it is: The Letter from Gramma: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my own horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning of course, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Peter Quill, 45, San Juan Capistrano, California Can't handle generator noise SANTA ANA (CBS) — A San Juan Capistrano bonehead is behind bars after assaulting his neighbor with a flashlight over an allegedly noisy generator during a blackout, that left thousands of local homes without power. Peter Quill, 45, is accused of hitting his neighbor, Anthony Morales, over the head with a flashlight after complaining about the loud hum of a generator he was using during the widespread power outage, authorities said. Neighbors say Morales is a Los Angeles firefighter. Quill reportedly confronted Morales shortly before 11 p.m. on Thursday and demanded that he turn off the generator due to the excessive noise, said Orange County Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino. When Morales refused repeated demands, Quill then allegedly returned to Morales’ home with a flashlight and attempted to turn off the generator himself, said Amormino. Morales was hospitalized with lacerations and a possible concussion, said Amormino. Many residents and businesses in Orange County used gas generators to power their homes overnight during the outage that lasted through early Friday morning, according to officials. Quill was booked into Men’s Central Jail on charges of assault with a deadly weapon, Amormino said. He is being held on $25,000 bail. Usually the real cause of fights over emergency generators is not over their noise, but caused by envy and the inability to donate power from the generator to neighbors, who spent their money on other things. Generators usually make less noise than a lawn mower and are not a big deal, though it can get rather noisy if every house in a circle has one running.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Brig Re: Most powerful filter Dear Webby, I know you are a wiz at making filters in Mailwasher. What is your most powerful filter, and can we have it, please? Brig Dear Brig I checked the cute pie chart in Mailwasher, and my "Boundary" filter does just a hair over 20% of all the filters together. Here it is: If the entire header contains ="----=_ or ----------bound-- then mark the message as mail to be deleted, automatically. Considering how many filters I have, 20% is a huge chunk of the 4000 - 5000 pieces of mail sent towards me every day. Looking at that pie chart in Mailwasher can really cheer me up! Have FUN! DearWebby
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon- strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?" "Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy." "I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are much less expensive than the quilting clips. By MartyD from Houston, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country. She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his animals. "Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow in and that stops 'em cold." Judi nodded. The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns, ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Myrna for this: Diet is something most of us do religiously. We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

» Money Trees

Thanks to Leo for this: My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?" The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."





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Forward just selected text 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 14

Thank you Millie!


Summer has gone into hiding. It cooled off to 7 degrees 
above freezing and I decided to wear long pants and a jacket
for my evening walk, the first time since spring. Without a 
wind, I'd tough it out, but today I ruled on the side of comfort.
The wind is supposed to calm down a bit tomorrow, and we'll
see the sun again. I am not putting the summer shorts away 
just yet!

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. --- Tallulah Bankhead There are more fools in the world than there are people. --- Heinrich Heine
The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?" "Yes" said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift. I throw money around like it is growing on trees." "Very well" said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for our brother...just as soon as the collection plate has been passed."
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Rev Jesse's church moved to the empty warehouse beside a liquor store and topless bar, because their old church could not hold all the faithful. The liquor store and especially the topless bar were a real thorn in Rev Jesse's side, especially because some members had the annoying habit of sneaking out during the sermon and coming back rather inebriated, AFTER the collection plates had been hauled around by the deacons. He called the bar evil and a work of the devil and really got some steam up one day, when a nearby storm cut the power and the lights went out. Well, like any proper church, they had enough candles for the deacons and a few other good donors. Rev Jesse lambasted the bar and called for the Good Lord to smite it and burn it to the ground. Just then some very close and very noisy lightning caused somebody to flinch and set the Reverend's wife's wig on fire. The wig got tossed, but unfortunately it landed in the wardrobes at the side entrance and set everything there on fire. Eventually, they got the fire almost under control, but not until it had spread to the adjoining bar. To make a long story short, the bar burned to the ground. Naturally, Rev Jesse claimed the credit for that for himself and the Good Lord, and was not in the least bit shy telling everybody about how he and the Gold Lord had defeated the evil bar next door. Just as naturally, when the bar owner sued the church for damages, Rev Jesse reversed his rethoric and insisted, that it was not a miracle, just an accident. The matter went to court and quite amused the judge. "So, here we have a sinner, who claims the Good Lord accomplished a miracle, and a preacher, who claims that the Good Lord can't do that." Since the fire had started in the church, just seconds after Rev Jesse had called upon the Good Lord to smite the evil bar, the judge sided with the sinner and ordered the church to pay for rebuilding the bar.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, in Hialeah, Florida Big Sucker SEPTEMBER 8--Driving a minivan outfitted with a generator-powered vacuum system, a Florida man yesterday surreptitiously siphoned 250 gallons of gasoline from a Citgo outlet before the station’s owner became suspicious and called cops. When Broward County sheriff’s deputies arrived at the Oakland Park gas station, they arrested Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, on a felony grand theft charge. A search of Banos’s Dodge Grand Caravan revealed that the vehicle’s rear seats were removed and replaced with three huge plastic tanks and a generator used to power the illegal siphoning system. One of the plastic drums held 255 gallons of diesel fuel, valued at $1019.75, according to a sheriff's report. Banos allegedly parked the van above a compartment leading to the underground vaults storing the Citgo station’s fuel supplies. He then somehow dropped hoses into the reservoir and began sucking up the gasoline into the van’s plastic tanks. When Broward County Sheriff’s Office deputies discovered the large amount of gasoline inside the van, a hazardous materials team was called to the station to remove the diesel fuel. After being booked on the grand theft charge, Banos was freed from custody after posting $1000 bond. It is unclear what the unemployed Hialeah resident planned to do with the stolen gas. The tanks look like two 100 gallon and one 250 gallon tank. If he had not been interrupted and had filled all tanks, that would have been about 1700 kg (3750 lb) of fuel.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bob Re: Forward just part of a mail Dear Webby, You know when someone forwards a cute email with grapics, it usually has a 1,000 other names before you. How does one get rid of the prior name lists and still keep the grapics? I would like to forward it without all the previous names. It is not a photo type, it's when you have a short verse and then an object or person that moves and then another verse and so on. Thanks, Bob Dear Bob With Eudora I would highlight the part that I want to forward, hit Forward, put in the destination address, and hit Send. I don't know how the other 657 email programs do it, but the same trick might work OK in many of them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in southern Argentina."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are much less expensive than the quilting clips. By MartyD from Houston, TX http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bill was noted for his tact. One night he was awakened at four am by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice. Bill thanked the caller, told him he would check it out and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, Bills called back his neighbor told him: "Sir, I don't have a dog."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

» Big cats

A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a fly in it. * The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass. * The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass. * The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine. * The Russian drank the wine, fly and all. * The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine. * The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese. * The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then demanded to have new wine. * The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod. * The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine, which he then donated to the Englishman. * The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65 million dollar compensation for mental suffering. * The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared: 'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'





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Log program with calculator 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 13

Thank you Frank!

I had to laugh about the anti-nuclear fanatics getting all
hysterical about the furnace explosion at Centraco in France.
There isn't even a nuclear reactor at that site, they just 
do waste processing, like burning used gloves and coveralls
and tools and ladders. 

Sure, that stuff has radioactivity, that is measurable with
today's instruments, but nowhere near as serious as say the
big green dots on Grampa's Big Ben alarm clock.

Somebody apparently had thrown something into the to be
burned waste, that caused an explosion. They don't know
yet, whether it was a thermos full of coffee or wine, and
don't really expect to find out for sure. 

All they know is that it had nothing to do with radioactivity 
or nuclear action, just that a waste treatment oven blew up.

That, of course did not stop the hysterical fanatics all over
Europe from trying to incite panic and demanding, that
nuclear powerplants be shut down.

France is the leading country in nuclear power generation,
followed by South Korea. 

Even though France has a lot of hydro project potential in 
the French Alps, the anti development propagandists have
made those pretty well impossible. 

While they were busy getting hysterical against hydro projects, 
nuclear power plants became so common in France, that it is 
difficult to make them appear scary. 70% of the electricity in 
France is from nuclear power plants. 

Most of the hysteria is in the countries surrounding France,
and the waste treatment oven accident is not likely to cause
any changes in France.

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DearWebby


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"When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk." --- Socratex
What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable, except that they will always be scheming to make you feel guilty. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody and forget all training, when they are unhappy.. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house or yard. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but have selective hearing when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they stalk off and pout. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you pet them every day. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10. They can be trained. Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.
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Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love.
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Hachem Gomez, 19, Mt prospect, Ill Burglar found cooking inside restaurant MOUNT PROSPECT, Ill., Sept. 11 (UPI) -- Police arrested a Mount Prospect, Ill., man who allegedly broke into a restaurant and made himself a meal. Police say an alarm went off at Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect early Saturday morning, and when police arrived, they found Hachem Gomez making a meal. Video surveillance of Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect allegedly shows Hachem Gomez, 19, entering the restaurant early Saturday by breaking into the drive-through window, the Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported. Assistant State's Attorney Robin Murphy said the video also shows Gomez damaging a cash register before stealing fries and chicken tenders from a freezer and cooking them in a microwave. There was no indication that Gomez was drunk or under the influence of drugs at the time of the burglary and the man has no criminal background, Murphy said. Gomez's bond was set at $5,000 and he is scheduled to appear in court on Sept. 21.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Mick Re: log program that has a calculator Dear Webby What is a good daily log program that has a calculator built in ? Mick Dear Mick Just use your favorite spreadsheet, Quattro, Calc, Excel, Lotus, etc. Even Google's online spreadsheet works fine for simple stuff. If you are not familiar with spreadsheets, don't panic. They are so easy now that any kid can learn them by just playing a bit. And they all have good help built in. You will be amazed how easy they are, and how versatile. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?" "Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Chill Counter Before Rolling Out Cookie Dough To cool down the counter top when rolling out pastry and cookies or when making candy, chill it with ice packs. You can make your own by filling gallon-size freezer bags halfway with water. Force out as much air as possible, seal, and place them in the freezer on a cookie sheet. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
In 1643 it was illegal to cook a mince pie or Christmas pudding in the New England and New Haven colonies. The Puritans banned any Christmas celebrations that did not take place in a church. Now people there gather at the mall and few of them have ever been in a church.

» Towering Tree houses

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."





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Spreadsheet not adding up right 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, September 12

Re 9/11:
From Argentina:  When I turned the TV on and saw the planes 
flying straight into the towers, I was numbed with shock. A friend 
came home during the afternoon, and we sat and gaped at the 
screen, tears rolling down our faces, commenting now'n'then 
on something that seemed more relevant than the rest.
We could talk of nothing else for a long time!
Manin 

I was frantically getting work done and at the same time 
preparing to fly to Tennessee the next day, on the 12th.
Then the radio interrupted the music and reported a passenger
plane flying into the WTC. While I was trying to hear details,
all phones and the fax got noisy, and over a dozen Skype 
messages popped. This was REAL!

There was no doubt at all, before I even had a chance to
listen to any of the callers. Then people called and told me
about a hockey player and some guys going to storm the cockpit 
of Flight 93, and shortly afterward, how they had brought it
down short of where the terrorists had planned to use it.
That was a spark of hope. 

My flight scheduled for the next day was of course canceled
by the air line. Nothing was flying on the 12th or the 13th,
and everything was messed up for the 14th. When planes flew 
again, it was quite obvious, that the world had changed.
I was the first off the plane and into the empty and echoing
terminal in Nashville. No crowds, no sound except my footsteps
and my breathing. It was eerie!

At the exit, there were the first two people I saw in Tennessee,
two soldiers in full combat gear, with machine guns at the ready.

I realized, there was not going to be a return to "as before 9/11".
We are coping, but just like Pearl Harbor changed the world,
so did 9/11.

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Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. --- Tom Robbins The capacity to care is the thing which gives life its deepest meaning and significance. --- Pablo Casals
Porridge: Budget conscious parent will tell you that it is a traditional, nutritious, lovingly prepared hot cereal breakfast dish. Kids will tell you that the name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
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An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in his paintings that are on display. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replies. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Steven K. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha From ankle bracelet to handcuffs Turns out a court-monitored ankle bracelet is not proper attire for an armed robbery. Apparently Steven K. Tubbs didn't get the memo. His fashion faux pas led to his arrest in connection with an Omaha home invasion where, prosecutors allege, Tubbs pointed a shotgun at a young couple who were sleeping with their infant son. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha were arrested Tuesday, the day after the robbery near 106th and Blondo Streets. Prosecutor Mike Jensen said a parole officer heard the description of the men involved and thought one might be a parolee of the officer's. When the officer checked information on Tubbs' court-ordered ankle monitor, it showed him at the couple's address about the time the robbery was committed. Tubbs was charged with two counts of robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and possession of a weapon by a prohibited person. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail. Tubbs was on parole after serving nearly two years in prison for attempted robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and terroristic threats. Mason was charged with two counts of robbery and ordered held on $250,000 bail. Among the items taken from the home was an American Express credit card that was used shortly after the robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: BF Re: Spreadsheet not adding up right Dear Webby When adding up columns in an old spreadsheet, I get weird results. Also, I notice that some of the numbers are not lined up the same way as the others. How can I fix that ? BF Dear BF Some of those numbers are not real numbers but just text. If there was a space in front or the back when it was pasted, then the spreadsheet treated it as text. Just highlight the cell and retype the number Have FUN! DearWebby
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According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; The rest were college students.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Mayonnaise for Hair Conditioner Mayonnaise makes a very good hair conditioner at an affordable price. For shiny, silky hair, rinse with vinegar. Don't worry, the smell disappears! To strip conditioner build-up off hair, use Dawn dish soap. This works very well. Source: My sister-in-law who is a beautician. By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Keep in mind that commercial mayonaise has a very rude PH, (high, acidic) on purpose, so that nothing can grow in it, and so that even old and stale sandwiches are safe. That is not going to make your hair fall out, but it can really mess up any PH related scheme you got going. If you are paying for a shampoo, that is claimed to lower or raise the PH of your hair, don't negate that with Mayonaise! Have FUN! Dearwebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill had been called to their companys head office in New York for a pep talk and party. As they staggered out of the party, Bill started crossing the street, while Gary accidently stumbled into a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs. "Where've you been?" Bill slurred. "I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred on the deadbeat list."

» Money in arts

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?" "Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."





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Music styles of today 

JAZZ - Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.

BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.

WORLD MUSIC - Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.

OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.

RAP - People talking when they should be singing.

CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.

FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.

BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.

HEAVY METAL: - Codpiece and chaps

HOUSE MUSIC - OK as long as it's not the house next door.





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Ad Blockers 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, September 11

What did YOU do ten years ago today?
How did it affect you?
Let me know!
I will make space for the most remarkable reports.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders." --- Nietzsche
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?" One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember. After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
Tanks to Lillemor for this picture: Click through for the big picture. Don't know its name. The flower heads get huge,which usually are crawling with bees. In the off season state the plants look like tiny little brussel sprouts on the soil. Lillemor
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19 in Prescott, AZ Walmart employees rob their store PHOENIX (Reuters) - Two Walmart employees robbed an Arizona store where they worked, stealing $45,000, and planned to buy a car and fund a sex change operation with the proceeds, police said on Wednesday. Police in Prescott, around 80 miles northwest of Phoenix, arrested Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19, on Friday. They were accused of stealing over $45,000 in cash from the Walmart store in Prescott. "Cullen told detectives that ... her motive for stealing the money was to go forward with a sex change operation that she had wanted," Prescott police spokesman Lt. Andy Reinhardt told Reuters by telephone. "I don't believe that she had made arrangements at that point, but I do believe that she had already started the process (to become a man)," he added. Reinhardt said video surveillance showed that Altiveros distracted cashiers so Cullen could let herself into the locked cash office using a key. After the burglary, Cullen gave the cash to Altiveros, who then used $22,000 to buy a Toyota Supra car from a private seller in the Phoenix area. The two suspects were being held in custody. Reinhardt said that all but 31 cents of the stolen money had been recovered.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Beth Re: Ad Blocker Dear Webby, I got sick and tired of all the banners and ads on all the web pages and installed an ad blocker program. I never buy anything off the net anyway.That has noticeably improved getting TO the sites I want to go to, but many of them don't work any more. I also noticed that many of those sites now require that I sign in with my email address, and others bounce me to very rude and vulgar pages. I pay for my Internet access and have a right to browse to where I want to, without being insulted or kicked out. Where can I complain about that? Beth Dear Beth First, you don't have any more right to browse to wherever you want to, than you have a right to go to a football stadium or concert for free, just because you paid for your shoes. The sites put a lot of time and work and money into their effort to present what they do, and are trying to recover some of that money by showing ads. If you block those ads, they consider you a useless parasite, who is trying to steal from them, because they have to pay for the file transfer costs that YOU incur for them. If you don't like being treated with the same lack of respect that fence crawlers get at the football stadium, then maybe you should remove those programs that declare to the world that you are trying to be a useless parasite. If you don't buy through the net, you are not contributing to the cost of operating the net, and YOUR opinion does not count on the net. It might be time to grow up and realize that you CAN become a respected citizen of the net, and not just be seen as an expensive parasite on the outside the fence. There are thousands of excellent deals availbale on the net, and categorically saying that you never buy through the net, that brands you as too dumb to be on the net. You most definitely don't get any respect that way. Time to open your eyes and see what a wonderful world we have up here. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Bob and his wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged down. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. Bob readily accepted and minutes later the car was free. Bob looked at the muddy tracks around the puddle and remarked that a lot of cars must be getting stuck there. "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today, the farmer said" Bob looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? You must do it at night." "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole. My wife does the farm work with the tractor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Clean Fireplace with Vinegar Remove fireplace soot and grime with undiluted white distilled vinegar. Use a brush to scrub then blot the wetness and dirt off with a towel. By duckie-do from Cortez, CO http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm into politics," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore butt, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."

» Lost Places

The CIA lost track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'" So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a pub in Dublin. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy." The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too." Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning." The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street, but he usually doesn't come in here till around 8 PM."





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Safe place for printer ink 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, September 10

Texas school caves in to ACLU, 
changes policy on Pledge of Allegiance
The Examiner

Not my place to comment on that.

Dimitris from Atlantic Inkjet.com leaked me some interesting news:

Coming soon... ink you can eat!  Also known as edible ink, 
this is a new product being developed by Atlantic Inkjet and 
soon to be released.  Why would anyone want to use edible ink? 
For digital prints onto cakes, cupcakes etc.  Now you can print 
your favorite photos onto edible paper (using edible ink) and 
then place the prints onto your cake! Edible paper applies onto 
frosting, so the final product looks like you have printed directly 
onto your cake!  Atlantic inkjet is making their edible ink available 
inside edible ink cartridges that are compatible and easily refillable.

I'll let you know, when the edible ink and edible paper is ready.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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There are painters who transform the sun into a yellow spot, but there are others who, thanks to their art and intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun. --- Pablo Picasso I am not young enough to know everything. --- Oscar Wilde
On their first date together, Sandie appeared in the door in a strapless gown which simply defied gravity. "That's amazing," he told her, admiring her . . . uhh, gown. "I don't see what's holding that dress up!" She smiled and replied, "Play your cards right and you will."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many sloppy updates and unnecessary programs? PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster start-up, than when your computer was brand new. Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was not mine, but a different one that's cheap-looking and ugly!" "I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Philip Conran, 44 in Hartford, Connecticut Probation for fake orgy ad HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut man has been sentenced to probation for posting a bogus ad about an orgy at the house of a neighbor with whom he had been feuding. Court records show 44-year-old Philip Conran pleaded guilty to risk of injury to a child last week in Hartford Superior Court. He has been sentenced to three years of probation and 200 hours of community service. He also has been ordered to pay for the West Hartford neighbor's house alarm system. Police say Conran posted the Craigslist ad in April 2010 and that several strangers knocked on the neighbor's door. One man went to the wrong home, groped a teenage girl and was arrested. Conran's attorney, Michael Georgetti, says his client regrets his actions. -------------------------------- Not quite a bonehead award, but funny anyway: Distracted
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Siegfried Re: Safe place for printer ink Dear Webby, What is a safe place to buy inkjet cartridges from ? I found out the hard way that what they sell at Staples are what seems to be genuine counterfeit cartridges. They look like the real and official ones, but perform worse than the no-name-brands, especially when you try to refill them. What now? Siegfried Dear Siegfried Whenever the cartridges wear out, we get replacements from Atlantic Inkjet .com. Their cartridges are of consistent and predictable quality and we can count on being able to refill them half a dozen or more times. When you buy the initial kit with the syringes and accessories, you even get the little rubber plugs that some cartridges need. I am quite happy with them and feel good about recommending them. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children. "My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." , "I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Free Coffee Grounds for Your Garden at Starbucks Used coffee grounds are a great, free fertilizer in your garden. Roses and acid-loving plants love it. Starbucks will give them to you for free! By lindal from Vista, CA http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Used coffee grounds are not really a fertilizer. They provide totally neutral mulch and bulk for hydroponic projects, and may eventually compost to something useful. The useful stuff has been destroyed to achieve that trademark burned dishwater flavor, and all kinds of artificial flavorings have been added. Whether that stuff is good for your garden and your health is a matter of finding out the hard way. Grounds from your own, regular, unflavored coffee are OK and help build moisture retaining mass, and when used as pot topping, sometimes discourage weed seeds from germinating. The best use of coffee grounds is in the compost, same as any kitchen waste. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man. "Why aren't you praying?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

» Tome Sculptures

Thanks to Ann for this: I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."





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Which browser is best for today? 



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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, September 9
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

I got out of having to mow the lawn all of August, but decided
to mow it now, before the first leaves fall. A short lawn does
not trap them and lets the wind blow them on further down 
the road.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. --- John Kenneth Galbraith "It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted." --- Mary O'Connor "Happiness is a way station between to little and too much." --- Channing Pollock
A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions. The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?" "My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought she was your dog! She was sitting on your door mat, when I drove up."
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine, No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on Cellulite Reduction

A young boy, about five years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my cat." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your cat. It's very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his cat. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his cat was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the cat died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your cat." "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle."
As I suspected, yesterday's picture of a whale and a dentist, was a composite. It was too good, though, not to share it. Click through for the big picture. Looks like on the lower McKenzie, except I remember a LOT more mosquitos!
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Justin Caine, 23, and Ryan Williams, 24 in Niceville, FL Dope on the shirt NICEVILLE — An officer who stopped a vehicle for a minor traffic violation ended up arresting two men for felonies. Justin Caine, 23, was driving in a 2003 Chevrolet Impala when the officer stopped him for a broken tag light, according to the Niceville Police Department arrest report. When the officer approached the vehicle, he smelled marijuana and called another officer with a police dog for backup. After the second officer arrived, they walked up to the vehicle and saw “a piece of a green leafy substance on the driver’s shirt,” the report stated. At that point, they arrested Caine and found additional marijuana inside his right front pocket. In all, he had 28 grams of marijuana. Possession of more than 20 grams is considered a felony under Florida law. Caine’s passenger, Ryan Williams, 24, said he knew that Caine had the marijuana and had smoked some with him. Both were charged with possession of a controlled substance without a prescription.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Shirley Re: Chrome or FireFox? Dear Webby, Which browser is best chrome or firefox? You are a very good computer whizz and I value your suggestions. Love the newsletter and really like all the computer hints along with everything else. Have a very wonderful evening Shirley Dear Shirley FireFox is fast, and quite predictable. If you want a browser, that is fast and predictable, and just want to get work done instead of marveling at what they have done to browsers, then FireFox 6.01 is your best choice. Chrome works, is very fast, but has a few rough edges. It is probably best suited for people, who like experimenting a bit and who don't mind, if some of the functions are not quite the way they expect them. Internet Explorer is not in the top three any more. It has been pushed to #4 by Maxthon. Maxthon, which started as a Chinese clone of Internet Explorer, is tops for all the new touch screen devices coming out of China. It faster and more predictable than IE, even though some of it's error screens still say Internet Explorer. If you want the look and feel of IE, but more speed and reliability, then get Maxthon3. Internet Explorer, in fourth place, is slow and not always predictable, but it comes pre-installed with Windows, so a lot of people are familiar with it. Mac Safari (there is a Windows version) is a great browser for reading eBooks. It has the best font rendering and makes reading easy on the eyes. For anything else, it is not in the same league as FireFox or Chrome, no matter what the Mac fanatics say, but it is definitely worth it's space on your machine for reading eBooks and long texts. Have FUN! DearWebby
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Bob has been playing golf for years, and he has the finest equipment, but his technique has never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked. Bob replied: "Where do you buy old balls?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Grow Morning Glory Around Dog Kennel I tossed Morning Glory seeds all around the dog kennel in hopes it would provide a nice shade cover for summer, and it sure did. It looked nice too. By freedombelle2001 from Bellevue, NE http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
"The Creation Story As Told By The Cat" On the first day of creation, God created the cat. On the second day, God created man to serve the cat. On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat. On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

» Living Pictures, 360 panorama

My brother was a chaplain in a university residence hall. He was supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted him. The freshmen in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for him by calling the kitten "the Book," One morning as he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a beer case, a student stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" He exlained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," he told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."





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Flat looking flash pictures 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, September 8

Some people told me not to compare shootings in New York
and Afghanistan, because in New York three out of five rounds
hit somebody, whereas in Afghanistan the ratio is more like 
three out of 5000, and the goal there is not to kill, but to keep
the ammo maker unions happy.

The current policy of "Courageous Restraint" apparently
does not encourage killing enemies.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. --- Socratex
What are the three great American parties? Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine, No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on Cellulite Reduction

Shirley had 2 two red ears and went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a blouse and the phone rang -- but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "While I was holding the burned ear with one hand, the guy upstairs called, probably wanting to know what all the yelling and screaming was about, so I picked up the phone, ahem, I mean the iron, with the other hand."
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture: Click through for the big picture. The photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end of the road in Sitka , Alaska ... The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small fish seen at the surface around the kayak). The kayaker is a local Sitka Dentist. He apparently didnt sustain any injuries from the terrifying experience. The whale was just around the corner from the ferry terminal, and all the kayaker could think at that moment in time was: "Paddle Man - really fast!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Nathan Mark Hardy, 35 in Biloxi, Mississippi Shoplifter pinched by police after trying to walk out of store with live LOBSTERS in his pants A man in southern Mississippi is accused of trying to walk out of a D'Iberville grocery store without paying for live lobsters he had stuffed into his cargo shorts. Nathan Mark Hardy, 35, was arrested on Saturday after allegedly being caught stuffing two bags of jumbo shrimp, a pork loin and two live lobsters into his pants. Police Chief Wayne Payne said Hardy, of Biloxi, tried to escape by removing the pork loin from the waistband of his pants and throwing it at employees of the local Winn Dixie. But he fell while running away and was arrested at the scene. 'In all my years in law enforcement, I've seen people shoplift steaks and all kinds of items, but never live lobster,' Chief Payne told the Sun Herald. 'It’s a good thing the rubber bands didn’t break.' Police arrived to find Hardy with two live lobsters in the front pockets of his shorts and two bags of jumbo shrimp in his pants. 'He was wearing cargo-type shorts,' Chief Payne said. The shoplifting charge is a misdemeanor, but Hardy remained jailed Wednesday in the Harrison County jail with no bond pending a hearing on a probation violation.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Silvia Re: Flash pictures look flat Dear Webby, The flash pictures from my digital camera all turn out flat and boring. What's the trick to make them look more realistic? Silvia Dear Silvia The trick is not to use the built in flash. If you absolutely have to use a flash, use a remote flash attached to the flash "shoe" on top of the camera, and hold the remote flash at the end of an outstretched arm. What I found better than a remote flash is a 500 Watt quartz halogen work light. They come in sturdy, weatherproof housings with a safety grill in front and cost around $12-$15. Set them up to the side and a bit higher than the camera, and set the camera to NOT use flash. The pictures have excellent contrast and a slightly warmer tone than flash, which usually is a lot more flattering than the cold hard light of a flash. Since most digital cameras don't need as much light as a film camera, you can use a regular dimmer switch to turn the brightness down to just the right mood. At about half dimmed down the resultant "mood" of the picture is as if the room was lit by just candles. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Craft Project: Autumn Pins Create some adorable pins to wear during the autumn months in less than an hour. With just a few supplies and a little stitching and gluing, you can make several to sell or give as gifts. You can also make them as magnets or to add to a wreath. http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle... he's a bloody idiot! She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

» The Dachshunds:

When my brother Donnie got home from a five-month deployment of his submarine, he told us one of the ways the sailors kept up their morale was by making wooden cars out of kits and then running derby races. "What do you do for a ramp?" I asked. "Don't need one. We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt the sub."





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Misspellings in spam 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, September 7

Thank you, Sig!


New York's Labor Day weekend shootings reached 43.
Afghanistan was fairly peaceful by comparison, and 
no shooting fatality was reported for the Labor Day weekend.

Maybe, when the troops get pulled out of Afghanistan, they
should invade New York and civilize that place. It would
be good practise for New Orleans, which is a lot more
dangerous.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


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Everything starts as somebody's daydream. --- Larry Niven When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. --- Socratex "Anger is one letter away from danger." --- Eleanor Roosevelt
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and asked her name. "I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing." "Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked. "My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand." the girl answered. "Well, those are nice names" the guy replied. "It would be, if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine, No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on Cellulite Reduction

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Click through for the big picture. Somebody is going to get thumped in a moment.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Fausto Camargo, 19, and Michael Darling, 42, in Phoenix, AZ Pregnant woman aids in bizarre burglary at Turf Paradise PHOENIX. -- A pregnant woman is in the hospital after she broke into Turf Paradise and crawled through a ventilation space, in hopes of making her way to the race track's money room, according to police. The woman, along with two men snuck into Turf Paradise, near 15th Avenue and Bell Road, about an hour before opening time, on Sunday. Police say the suspects threw together a plan just a few hours before. "Overnight these individuals were driving a vehicle and hit a curb and somehow damaged two of their tires. We understand they had concocted this plan to break into the Turf Paradise this morning and break into the cash box," said Sgt. Steve Martos with Phoenix Police. One of the men was armed with a flare gun. Police say they men hoisted the woman up through the crawl space to travel about 50 feet, but the flimsy ceiling tiles gave way in two different spots. Security noticed the clamor and called police who arrested the men. Fausto Camargo, 19, and Michael Darling, 42, were held for 2nd degree burglary. Darling also faces drug possession charges. Officials finally convinced the woman to come down, but she didn't go straight to jail instead telling police she was 5 months pregnant, and felt that perhaps she might be going into labor. She was taken to an area hospital. Her name hasn't been released. General Manager Vincent Francia said he's suspicious. "How would [they] know where our money room is located?" he said. "Most of our employees don't know that." Francia says this time of year, folks at Turf would bet about $150,000 on a Sunday before a holiday. No word on how much cash was inside of the money room. Police say the woman will also be prosecuted once she's released from the hospital. The woman and baby are reportedly doing okay.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Elmar Re: Mis-spelled spam Dear Webby, Why does spam nowadays have so many mis-spellings and garbled words in it ? Even the garbage language the kids use on their chats makes more sense. Elmar Dear Elmar The spammers know that we are using filters to get rid of their crap, and they are trying to sneak around those filters. Nobody with the smarts of a mashed potato buys from one of those spammers, but unfortunately there are enough idiots out there to make it profitable enough for the spammers to keep trying. Very few of the spam victims ever get what they paid for, but that does not seem to stop others from believing spammers. Have FUN! DearWebby
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A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make a Wind Chime with Old Beads and Jewelry I recently put together a rather pretty hanger/wind chime for the patio using lots of leftover beads, old odd earrings, bits of old brooches and necklaces, and some colored glass pieces from a broken wind chime. I grabbed a piece of driftwood that was in the garden, drilled six holes through the middle evenly spaced apart. Using 6 strands of colored jewelry wire, approximately 18 inches (45cm) in length, I threaded on all the bits and pieces randomly with the pre-drilled glass at the bottom. I left a bit of wire at the top, threaded it through each of the holes, secured it with some good knots, and voila! a really pretty wind chime. So easy a child could make one, and great for using up all those odd beads, plastic flowers, metal do-dads, etc. cluttering up your jewelry and craft boxes. If you don't have many larger things to thread on, just space them apart by knotting the colored wire. They still look great and sparkle beautifully in the light. Have fun! By Vicki7857 from Yeppoon, Queensland, Australia http://www.thriftyfun.com/ If you have old AOL-CDs or any other obsolete CDs, you cd use them in your chime as well. CDs don't survive a Chinook or tornado, but while they last, they sure do look pretty in the sunshine, and they are free. Thread them so that the rest of the string does not depend on them to be in place. Nowadays I use a heavy steel chime, that Sandie had sent me from Florida. It has three 1/4" thick steel plates welded together at the top to form a pyramid. You see, where it used to hit the house. I have since then moved it to a better location, where it does not do any damage, even when it swings around horizontally. Have FUN! DearWebby Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Saw a funny bumper sticker today: Womens Libbers are not cuter, but they sure are funnier.

» Wieliczka Salt Mine

Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?" He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the customs officer asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table, or do you want to quickly phone somebody?"





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Sarcasm 

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.






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Virus warning in email 



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Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, September 6

Firefox 3.6 crashed twice on me today. Most likely the still
a bit flakey connection to Telus had a lot to do with that.
At any rate, I decided to try the newest FireFox, 6.01.

I am happy to say, it updated without any hassle at all, 
re-used all my settings and add-ons, even the colored tabs,
and RoboForm was working instantly. I don't like the location 
of the HOME button way over on the right side, but I imagine
enough people will complain about that in the Feedback, 
so that thyey will move it, Reload, Back and Forward to top 
and center, where they are most useful. They are usually
quite responsive.

The rest of 6.01 seems perfect. It is fast, and deals with
connectivity issues quite gracefully.

Have FUN!
DearWebby


If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can!

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason, that he has to suffer for it. --- G. K. Chesterton All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. --- Mark Twain ---------- hmmm, maybe I should try that!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine, No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on Cellulite Reduction

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Redneck Woman: "Fo'." Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George." Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?" Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
Click through for the big picture. Lone Eagle, Colorado
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter, please vote for it at the Ezine Finder: Thanks for your votes!

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD goes to Michael Tyler Assad, 19 in Eustis, Florida Bike tracks led to burglars EUSTIS, Fla., Sept. 3 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said dirty tracks from a pair of motorized bicycles led them from the scene of a burglary to the apartment where they arrested three suspects. Eustis police said an estimated $3,800 worth of merchandise, including a television, a laptop computer and the motorized bikes, were stolen from the Windhorse Wellness Center about 5:12 a.m. Thursday and police followed the tire tracks about 600 yards to the apartment of former center worker Michael Tyler Assad, 19, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported Friday. Assad was charged with burglary, grand theft, criminal mischief and possession of burglary tools. Two men living in an adjacent apartment, Parker Kenneth Lloyd and Robert Foisy, both 18, were arrested on charges of burglary and grand theft after stolen items were found in their apartment. Police said Foisy's car was seized when they determined it was used to transport some of the stolen goods. He is not getting that one back either.
From the Tech Support Pits: From: Bertha Re: Virus warning Dear Webby, I received a warning from my internet provider about a new thing that's going around. It was a notice to delete this particular e-mail A.S.A.P. It's supposed to get you connected to a Porn site. Do you know if this really true or not? I certainly don't wan to get involved in anything like that. Bertha E Dear Berta MailWasher takes care of all of that for me. If a copy of that was sent to me, it murdered it in the dark, without ever showing it to me. Any mail, that makes it through to me and is telling me to delete this, that or the other thing, or irgently download something, will get deleted by me personally, and instantly. I don't waste time on stuff like that, no matter who the writer pretends to be. Have FUN! DearWebby
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My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago. I called her to see how she was doing. My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered. "Hey, B, how's your mama?" "She's sleeping," he whispered again. "Dod she go back to the doctor for a checkup?" "Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly. "She's doing ok." "All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Make Your Own Kabobs Put a fun and affordable spin on backyard barbecues with a make-your-own-kabob station. Set out a variety of chopped veggies like peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, and marinated cubes of steak or chicken. This is a great way to stretch your ingredients further, while your guests can customize their meal. Source: A sign at my local grocery store By sooz from Toronto, ON http://www.thriftyfun.com/ Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun Highly recommended! If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every week, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife, carrying a skateboard, with the rear wheels worn off."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request.
Thanks to Bess for this story: My engineer husband is meticulous but mildmannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us. Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After December 1, all work will be supervised by my 5 children and my very impatient wife."

» Box Man

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."





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