Friday, September 23, 2011, 07:56 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 23
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
You may have heard bits and pieces about the shopping bag war
between the glib Algorian profiteers and the conventional bag
industry.
Because too many people did NOT fall for the BS, the reusable bag
company known as ChicoBag did what any good environmental
alarmist would do: they lied.
When they got too far fetched with their lies, ChicoBag got sued
and lost, but not until after some towns in California had been
"persuaded", (note, I did not quite say "bribed"), into forbidding
the use of regular disposable shopping bags,
which have a 390 times smaller "Carbon Footprint" than the
dirt and bacteria hoarding and multiplying Chico Bags.
Subscriber Martin sent me a link to a site, that untangles
the Shopping bag mess
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Don't find fault, find a remedy.
--- Henry Ford
A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several
people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but
he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became
desperate and went to the pastor.
"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you
don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to
quit too. Please do something."
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you
should leave the choir."
"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.
"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."
That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me
that you can't preach!"
Thanks to Anna for this one:
My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with
magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and
"mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell
bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his
hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud
smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" I said. "Now go put them on the fridge
so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
That Christian education is certainly having an impact,
I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Angela DeHart, 23 in Beaver, WV
Woman Stole Hearse With Corpse In Back
SEPTEMBER 21
The West Virginia woman, 23, is facing a pair of felony
charges for stealing a hearse containing a body and driving
home in it early yesterday.
According to police, the hearse--parked outside the Ritchie
and Johnson Funeral Home in Beckley--was swiped shortly
after midnight on Tuesday. The driver, cops reported, had
briefly left the hearse unattended--with its door open--while
he entered the funeral home, presumably to get help with
unloading the corpse.
The driver, Kenneth Bly, “pulled into the parking lot…in order
to unload a corpse” from the 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood hearse,
according to a court affidavit. As Bly walked toward the funeral
home’s entrance, he spotted DeHart, who “jumped into the vehicle.”
Cops noted that, “Bly witnessed the defendant’s actions and
yelled ‘Hey!’” DeHart, seen in the above mug shot, then
“accelerated from the parking lot.”
The hearse was recovered several hours later in the vicinity of
DeHart’s home in the nearby borough of Beaver. A witness had
called cops to report that a “very emotional” DeHart “had just
pulled up to his residence…and that the defendant had been
operating a black hearse.”
The corpse, which had been laying inside a gurney in the hearse,
“had been moved by some means and was laying on its side,”
reported Detective Jamie Blume. The deceased was an
85-year-old woman.
When officers confronted DeHart early yesterday at her home,
she reportedly confessed to stealing the hearse. DeHart, who
celebrated her birthday Monday, told investigators that she had
engaged in a verbal argument with her wife/girlfriend and exited
the vehicle in which they were traveling early Tuesday morning.
As she began walking, DeHart said she “observed the hearse
running next to the funeral parlor. She admitted that, after taking
the car, she drove it to Beaver” and contacted a friend seeking
advice as to what she should do with the stolen wheels.
Charged with grand larceny and displacement of a dead body,
both felonies, DeHart was booked into jail this afternoon. She is
being held in lieu of $25,000 bail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Scotty
Re: ALT key does not work
Dear Webby...
I tried punchin on alt on my keyboard and nuthin'
happened. As you can see, I am not a PC whiz
Scotty
Dear Scotty
Try this:
Hold down the ALT key, and without letting go,
hit one of the keys, that are underlined in top or pull-down
menus, for example F.
For an easy example, to save a file as a new file do this:
ALT (hold down, don't let go)
F ( File )
let go of both ALT and F
A (save As)
type in the new file name
ENTER
That's all there is to it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Eric said his company sometimes abbreviates the shipping
address of their customers to make them fit on the printed
labels. However, the Assembly Of God Church aparently
was not amused when the label on their box displayed,
"Ass Of God Church".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Tent Plants in Plastic Wrap When On Vacation
I have many houseplants and I have found an excellent way
to keep them from drying out when we go on vacation. Water
plants first, then tent smaller house plants with plastic wrap.
I have several large potted plants that cannot be tented. I cover
the base of the plant at dirt level with the plastic wrap.
When I return from vacation, my plants are still happy and
don't even need to be watered. This was a remarkable discovery
for me. I no longer have to have someone come in during the
week to water them. If you want to make sure my tip works,
try it on one of your houseplants a few weeks before your
vacation.
By Jo from Riverside, RI
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Myrtle was traveling North from Miami on I-95 when she
spotted a hitchiker. He was pretty good-looking, so she
decided she'd pick him up.
They started the usual chit-chat, and she turned on the charm.
Things were going well and she thought sure he'd ask her
on a date soon, but then somehow he let it slip that he was a
convict on the run.
"What were you in prison for?" she asked.
"I murdered my wife and children," he cooly responded.
Without a moment's hesitation, she added hopefully,
"oh, so you're single...?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of
Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and
stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly,
he noticed a huge animal walk by.
"Och, whut's thaaat?" he said.
His Canadian friend looked out and said,
"Oh, that's a moose."
"Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yore cats aroond
here?"
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( 2.9 / 590 )
Colored backgrounds in email
Thursday, September 22, 2011, 10:24 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 22
Thanks to Verna for this picture:
It is amazing how wacky some people's ideas about Equinox are.
One nutty Flat-Earther even claimed that at Equinox both poles
see the sun all day. He obviously has never been in the arctic
or the antarctic, and has been smoking too much of the wrong
kind of stuff.
Equinox literally means Equal Night. Ignore the sappy drivel
of the bozos, who are trying to tell you that is not so, and that
for the Flat-Earthers it has nothing to do with equal night,
but where the sun is.
Yeah, sure, the sun is up there.
In the temperate zones around that time of year we have
Equal Night and Day. That is why it has been called
Equi Nox for a few thousand years.
After Equinox the days are shorter than the night in the northern
hemisphere, and longer than the night in the southern hemisphere.
I spent 30 years in the arctic. Up there, where you have no
sun at all in midwinter and really appreciate every minute
more sun, that you get in spring, and dread every minute less
that you get in fall, Equinox is quite important.
Spring Equinox is a VERY cheerful party time.
Fall Equinox is not cheerful at all in the arctic. It is time to
get ready for the long and dark winter, get the firewood,
winter tires, check the tire chains, snow blower, etc.,
tilt the solar panels up, rig the water pump for winter,
and so on. And yearn for Spring Equinox.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities.
Truth isn't.
--- Mark Twain
Milkman Notes
These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll
notice a slight, endearing British ambience to them.
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
"Cancel one pint after the day after today."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the
birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house
but two sons on the dole."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had
a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket
for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and
a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window
and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to
turn the mattress.
"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last
nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me
what happened over a cup of tea."
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do
it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a
baby two months old and did not know about it until
a neighbour told me."
"Please send me details about cheap milk as I am
stagnant."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and
Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get
money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen
table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."
"When you leave the milk please put the coal on the
boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen
door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the
couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at
the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't
you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the
tickets on it."
Thanks to Guinn for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Juan Aguirre, 21, Salina, Kansas
Kansas is fighting back!
History's Most Pathetic Burglary Of A Sex Shop
Kansas used to be the Bonehead state of the US,
but lately Florida has been dominating the stage.
In a remarkably botched (and embarrassing) burglary, a Kansas
man yesterday broke into a sex shop and stole six X-rated movies.
Well, actually, Juan Aguirre is accused of pilfering six empty DVD
cases. The 21-year-old apparently was unaware that the cases
he pinched were for display, and devoid of the corresponding discs.
According to the Salina Police Department, Aguirre early yesterday
shattered the front door glass at Cirilla’s, causing $500 in damages.
During a canvass of the area after the break-in, cops questioned
Aguirre, who was spotted riding a bicycle in the vicinity of the sex
shop.
A search of the suspect’s backpack turned up the DVD cases and
a sledgehammer head, that was attached to a rope. In a sad epilogue
to the burglary, investigators valued the recovered five DVD cases at
less than $5 apiece, according to a Salina Police Department report.
Charged with burglary, criminal damage to property, and theft, Aguirre
is being held in the Saline County jail in lieu of $6000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Helen
Re: Colored background in email
Dear Webby,
Asking for your genius once again. Is there an easy way to
create emails with a light colored background?
Thanks!
Helen
Dear Helen
With Outlook there is no easy way to do that. The default
backgrounds are hard "fist on the eye" colors like you see
with some spam.
It's better if you work with background textures
(outlook message window ->
format ->
background ->
picture -> put your own)
There are lots of sites on the web where you can get
good backgrounds.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop
before a giant puddle covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to
cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the
man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to
roll his window down to swim out of his car back to
the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the
farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive
through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only comes up chest-high on my little ducklings there!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Making Quick Curtains With Sheets
When I have a sheet that is too nice to use in dog kennels,
I make it into a double sided small window curtain. If you
have a smaller window in your home, garage, or office,
this idea would be perfect since you don't need a large
amount of material.
By Sarah from MN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus corner
on his first day of kindergarten.
"Behave, my bubaleh" she says. "Take good care of yourself
and think about your mother, tataleh! And come right back
home on the bus, schein kindaleh. Your Mommy loves you a lot,
my ketsaleh!"
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs
to her son and hugs him.
"So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?"
The boy answers, "I learned my name is David."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.
"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you
having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears,
"I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing
machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping,
and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble
around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed
to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.
"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up
the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby
and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to
fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do
everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and
tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Isn't this 223-1374?"
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this
mean you're not coming over?"
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Disconnect router to stop abuse
Wednesday, September 21, 2011, 10:12 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 21
Thank you Jim!
Have a look where the sun rises and where it sets today and
in the next two days. Those directions are precisely East
and West. In case you ever set up a sun dial, you will
need to know those directions. The astronomer's theoretical
equinox is not until the 23rd, but the farmers say it is on
the 21st, and that after the 21st the nights are longer than
the days.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more
thoroughly than the one who's giving it."
--- Hal Chadwick
From Kathy:
For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at
the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport.
As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife
asked, "Are they good seats?"
"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You
will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your com-
panion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a
turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind
us did the same thing."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Police and the City of South Pasadena, California
Fined for good deed
SOUTH PASADENA (CBS) — We’ve all heard the saying:
no good deed goes unpunished . . . and that’s exactly what
happened to a South Pasadena resident who was issued a
ticket by police for his charitable act.
When a major traffic light in the area went out again Thursday
morning, Alan Ehrlich took matters into his own hands, directing
traffic at Fair Oaks and Huntington avenues.
“I grabbed a bright orange shirt that I have and a couple of
orange safety flags. I took it upon myself to help get motorists
through that intersection faster,” said Ehrlich.
Before Ehrlich stepped in, traffic was backed up for more than
a mile and it took more than 30 minutes to get through the busy
intersection.
Ehrlich said the Sept. 8 incident wasn’t the first and that the
light goes out regularly.
“It was just kind of chaos of cars . . . there were stop signs up.
But people were challenging each other to get through the
intersection,” said Richard Gerrish who works at an office located
at the intersection.
Gerrish said Ehrlich cleared up the mess in 10 minutes.
After 15 minutes, South Pasadena police say they finally responded
to the scene and told Ehrlich to stop and issued him a ticket, but never
stepped into direct traffic themselves.
“I don’t know if this ticket is $50 or $400 dollars. It’s a small price to
pay for the greater good,” Ehrlich said.
South Pasadena Police Chief Joe Payne said he did not have the
man power needed to staff officers at Fair Oaks and Huntington
Thursday and that is safer to allow traffic to back up.
“We have limited resources . . . we need to prioritize them. One
of the major intersections out at rush hour in our city should be
a priority,” Ehrlich added.
He already has plans to address the matter at an upcoming city
council meeting.
Police and the city of South Pasadena say they currently have
no plans to change any procedures.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Disconnect router to stop abuse
re WiFi safety:
shutting ones computer down will not stop the hijacking of
wi-fi you need to shut off the ROUTER or MODEM. If you
just shut off your computer your wi-fi still works because
your computer is a separate entity to the actual wi-fi network.
Dianne
Thanks Dianne!
Yes, if you use a wireless router and set it up without
passwords, then other people within range can indeed use
it, and even give you a bad name.
If you don't password your network, turn your router or
modem off, when you are not using it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly
zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME
up in one of those things."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peel Banana from the Bottom Up
If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of
from the top down, you won't have those annoying
stringy things from the peeling.
By ashleybunkin from WV
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. Census Bureau marked Unmarried
and Single Americans Week by revealing 43.6 percent of U.S. adults
over 18 were unmarried in 2010, including those who have been
divorced or widowed -- at the time of the census.
The figures stated 61 percent of those who were unmarried had
never been married while 23.8 percent were divorced and
14.4 percent were widowed.
The Census Bureau said there were 88 unmarried U.S. men for
every 100 unmarried U.S. women at the time of last year's census.
They predict, that playing hard to get is going to go out of
fashion in the very near future.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Carolyn for this story:
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida
to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The
representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and
an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired
vision to the point of near blindness.
My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that
everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.
"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up
when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need
a rental car?"
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Careful if you have a Smartphone!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011, 09:44 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 20
From Alexa
another good substitute for a tripod is a wheat bag..you can
make them as big or small as you want or need and you don't
have to worry about using "food" inside them or the zip lock
bag breaking.
If you make an extra cover for your wheat bag you can even
wash it when the need arises. I make them and use them as
tripod substitute and as hot and cold packs..way safer than hot
water bottles in your bed or on your lap.
I just buy budget wheat from the pet food store to use and any
old cotton material I have lying around
Alexa
Yes, wheat will definitely work!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Once the game is over, the King and the pawn
go back into the same box.
--- Italian Proverb
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy,
but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
--- Bill Vaughan
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
--- Oscar Wilde
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due
to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the
gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in
the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots
forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the
hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he
complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them
to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to
pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he
had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and
appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a
simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said,
"Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"
Angus has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave
and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and
falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat
on his face again.
He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he
reaches the bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This
time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him
shouting at him. 'So, you've been out drinking again!!'
'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J
Extra Sugar
Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, N.J. was arrested and charged
with prostitution after police say she took breaks to provide sex in
exchange for money at a local Dunkin Donuts.
"She was a night time employee (working 9 p.m. to 5 a.m.),
supposedly a very good one," Detective Sgt. Kyle Schwarzmann,
who led the team of 16 investigators, said
Police say the worker had a system of servicing men during her
overnight shift at the restaurant. It took a SIX month investigation,
surveillance involving various officers and a sting operation, but
eventually they got her, arrested her and hauled her off in
handcuffs.
There was never any sex at Dunkin Donutes, but there may have
been some in the parking lot or a short drive away from there.
It took a lot of time and a lot of officers, but New Jersey's
biggest criminal is not selling donuts any more!
Night time sales of donuts have increased drastically since the
news of the big bust.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Smartphone pictures pose security risk
Smartphone pictures pose security risk
Dianne
Thanks Dianne!
Smartphone users should watch that and adjust their
settings accordingly!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a
patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb. When the
driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to
the big dog sitting on the seat beside him. "Does your dog
have a license?" he asked.
"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one. He's half blind
so I always do the driving these days."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Peel Banana from the Bottom Up
If you peel a banana from the bottom up instead of
from the top down, you won't have those annoying
stringy things from the peeling.
By ashleybunkin from WV
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports
was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with
water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was
ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's
edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied
it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought
they could fool me with that old gag!"
It was then he realized we'd loosened the drainpipe beneath the
sink and turned the first "U" part so that it was aimed at his crotch.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Summer break was over and the teacher was asking the
class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and
asked what he had done.
"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher
said, "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "Come to think of
it, we went to visit an aunt Ohio, O, H, I, O."
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( 3 / 594 )
You Know It's Time to Diet When...
Monday, September 19, 2011, 05:22 PM -
Posted by Administrator
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
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( 2.9 / 502 )
Monday, September 19, 2011, 09:23 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 19
From John:
tell Amy the sate of Florida raises our share on Boneheads.
So, Dear Webby, who raises the most Boneheads? You
decide How do you distinguish between the dummies and
the real real dummies.
thanks
I read Webby first, that give me the strength to to the NEWS
john
Dear John
It may seem that Florida has more boneheads than other
states, but part of that is because a lot of people retire to
Florida, and so there are a lot of people with time to report
boneheads.
For a wile, I used to get frequent reports from Russia, but
they clamped down on that. China, on the other hand,
is relaxing a bit. Speaking of "the other hand", have a look at
Other hand
England also is a steady provider of boneheads, and so is
California. They are all over, but whether we hear about
them depends on the quality of reporting in those areas.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
--- Abraham Lincoln
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
--- Voltaire
Donna sent this on:
After being laid off, I papered the town with my resume. Days
passed, and I hadn't received a single phone call. I decided to
take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his
real estate office.
I quickly realized that he hadn't put blank paper into the machine.
At the bottom of each copy, written in bold type, was a common
real estate disclaimer: "The information contained herein, while
deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
The following ads appeared in a newspaper over a period of four
days, the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's
mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 555- 0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the error
we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct
as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707 as I have had the phone
disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until
yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Alicia Ducharme, 48 in Volusia County, Florida
Salad Attack
OAK HILL, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested
a woman who admitted to dumping a cucumber salad over
the head of her boyfriend's one-legged father.
The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called
to the home of Michael Dyer at about 4 p.m. Tuesday by his son,
Daron Dyer, who reported a domestic disturbance, the Orlando
Sentinel reported Friday.
Deputies said Alicia Ducharme, 48, Daron Dyer's girlfriend,
had argued with Michael Dyer, who accused her of stealing
food and money from him, before she dumped the salad on
his head.
Michael Dyer's left leg is amputated at the knee and he uses
an electric scooter to get around.
Deputies said Ducharme told them she was "guilty" and
instructed them to arrest her, but she resisted when they
attempted to handcuff her.
Ducharme said Dyer had punched her in the face before
the salad dump, but deputies found no evidence of injuries.
Ducharme was charged with felony counts of abuse of an
elderly or disabled person and resisting arrest without
violence.
Daron Dyer, the son, said he and Alicia will move out of
his father's house and go back to trucking.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Friz
Re: Substitute for tripod
From Friz
Dear Webby,
I forgot my tripod at home, but I have to as usual make all
the pictures at the family gathering. What's a quick and
cheap fix? I absolutely need something to help me beacuse
I know I am too jittery to take candle light shots by hand
without the ugly flash. I do have a remote release.
Friz
Dear Friz
No Panic. Just get a sturdy zip-lock plastic bag, fill it two
thirds full with sugar or salt or flour. Set it onto a saucer and
place the camera onto the bag. Wiggle it a bit so it sits well.
You can put that saucer onto any piece of furniture, or even
onto a stepladder. The camera will be rock-solid and the
pictures even sharper than when you use your tripod.
For permanent use you can cut six to 8 inches off an old
leather jacket and glue or stitch that together as a cover for
your zip-lock bag.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas
shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and
returned to her. Looking in her purse, she
commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now
there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last
time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any
change for a reward."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A family had moved to Seattle from Texas, and each of them
missed their old home. One day, when they went to pick up their
first-grade son from school, his teacher told them about a
conversation she overheard.
One boy said, "We're Catholic, and we are going to
Christmas Mass."
"Were Jewish," said another child. "And we're going to
have a Hanukkah celebration."
And your son chimed in, "We're Texans, and were going
to have a barbecue."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said.
"There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
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( 3 / 630 )
Internet Explorer can't open pages
Sunday, September 18, 2011, 10:22 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 18
Thanks to Amy:
CORRECTION: The two idiots from your "Bonehead" story are
from Upper Darby, PENNSYLVANIA. I'm ashamed to say that
we grow 'em pretty dumb in PA!
Amy
OOOPS!
The story was all over the British sites, and none would admit
what state they are in. That, the writing style, and the
obsession about the boneheads being Lebanese, led me to
jump to the wrong confusion. Thanks for the correction!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased;
sometimes it gets replaced."
--- John Peers
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
--- Walter Lippman
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with
a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long
years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon
went to the parish priest:"Father, my dear old dog is
dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about
your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. However, there's
a new denomination down the road, no telling what they
believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
As he was leaving, Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do
you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "STOP! Stop! Stop!
Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the
Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature
in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities
and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my
young daughter has begun violin lessons."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Joshua Seto, 27, in Chandler, AZ
Shot his own penis
Police say the man and his girlfriend had been on their way
to the store at about 7:30 p.m. when the woman pulled her
pink .380 caliber, semi-automatic Taurus, specially made to
promote breast cancer awareness, from her purse.
Seto took the gun and jammed into his waistband, where it
went off.
The bullet struck Seto's penis, then entered and exited his
left thigh, according to a police report.
The couple didn't immediately drive to a hospital, instead
walking to a bench at the parking lot. Someone else prompted
the man's girlfriend, Cara Christopher, to call 911, Favazzo says.
"He's still conscious, there's just a lot of blood," Christopher told
dispatchers, who then instructed her to apply pressure to the
wound with a cloth. "It looks pretty bad."
Seto was treated at a local hospital, but police had no update on
his condition as of Thursday morning, and urge everybody to
use proper holsters and not treat guns like the rubber decoys
used by TV thugs. Actors are cute, but usually not smart
enough to be allowed near real guns.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shonda
Re: Internet Explorer can't open pages
Dear Webby,
I need help with Internet Explorer.
Internet Explorer can't open web pages. I have to
keep trying untill I can get online.Can you help me?
Thank you
Shonda
Dear Shonda
Internet Explorer is just a browser.
It requires, that you are connected to the Internet.
If you are not, it tries to call whatever you use for connecting
and wake it up, but that is no guarantee, that you will be
connected immediately.
You will have to contact your ISP and get them to figure out,
why you are not properly connected to them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher
of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he
drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the
church,
"How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's first windmill I ever saw,
that ran on water."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"What is AOL?"
"It's an organization set up to give Internetters someone to make
ethnic jokes about and be prejudiced about and hopefully
ease off on Mac users."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake...."
The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has
never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us
who work in the court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was
testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings
the woman addressed the judge as "Honey."
Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said,
"That's Judge Honey."
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( 3.1 / 643 )
Saturday, September 17, 2011, 06:09 PM -
Posted by Administrator
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable
to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble
and they will remember you ...when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems,
but then again neither does milk.
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( 3 / 512 )
Saturday, September 17, 2011, 04:56 PM -
Posted by Administrator
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, soon after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by three.
Q: The more pregnant I get,
the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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( 3 / 637 )
How to turn off automatic mail checking
Saturday, September 17, 2011, 08:24 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 17
We will be having a Chinook. There was a definite arch.
When we have a Chinook, when the storm tops the Rockies,
it splits. Half of it follows the mountains down into the foothills,
the other half continues on up high.
That provides a 50 Mile wide clear band of sky.
The part that follows the mountains down into the foothills picks
up moisture and dries the hay and grain, and rebounds straight
up. Where it mixes with the cold air at high altitude, it froms a
150 mile long arch of clouds.
The glider pilots of course love that. They use that "elevator"
to get up high, and then ride the wave on top to get up so high,
that they need oxygen. One quick tow to get started and then
they have fun all day.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself."
--- Josh Billings
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically
into three major categories:
those that don't work,
those that break down and
those that get lost.
--- Russell Baker
Lately, during a during a violent house-shaking blizzard, my
neighbor was tucking her small boy into bed. As she was
about to turn off the light he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
She smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
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All the way home in the back seat of the car the boy was quiet.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a good religious home,
but I want to stay with you guys instead.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from the
7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby, England
Would have been 30 burglaries, but they encountered a lion
By Mari A. Schaefer
A pair of lesbian lovers have admitted to burglarizing 29
homes but passed up one house where they encountered
a lion, police said.
Harley Rose Gifford and Britney Singleton, both 19 and from
the 7100 block of Marshall Road, in Upper Darby have been
arrested, according to police who expect to charge them with
the crimes when their initial investigation is completed.
They are currently being held on unrelated charges, according
to court documents.
Police are continuing to check the home that reportedly
held the lion. "If we find a lion it will be a bigger story than this,"
said Michael J. Chitwood, superintendent of police.
Apparently, using a cat to deter burglars is highly illegal in
England.
The majority of thefts happened during daylight hours. The
pair entered the homes through unlocked first floor windows.
After they looted the houses, they either walked or took public
transportation home, said Chitwood.
All of the homes were ransacked. In one burglary the pair left
with a 55-inch flat screen television and lugged it back to their
apartment.
Chitwood dubbed them the "Thelma and Louise bandits" and
said they were lovers.
"They just enjoyed stealing," said Chitwood. "They used people's
homes as their own private shopping center."
The burglaries occurred in the Cardington, Stonehurst and
Bywood sections of the township and Lansdowne Borough.
A burglary also occurred in Prospect Park Borough.
The women allegedly stole iPods, jewelry, toys, electronics,
sneakers, makeup, purses, toiletries, household items, and
about $23,000 in cash - not including Euros, Pesos, Lire and
other foreign currency.
Police also recovered a hookah pipe and marijuana but, do
not expect the original owners to claim those items.
-------------
Apparently Lebanese burglar teams are rare in England and
especially newsworthy. All their papers seem to make a big fuss
about that. And if a real lion is found, the owner will of
course get sued for inflicting emotional distress on the poor
innocent burglars.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Frank
Re: How to turn off automatic mail checking
Webby
Once again I need your advice and counsel...
I run Mailwasher and Eudora and since yesterday my mail is
going directly to Eudora.
Yes, the icon for Mailwasher is blinking but the mail is already
delivered. It use to be Mailwasher would notify me and I'd wash
mail then go to Eudora and check mail for it to be downloaded.
What has occurred an how do I go back to the way it was?
This AM there was a mail from Nigeria and I did not have the
chance to mark it as SPAM.
Thanks once again.
Frank
Dear Frank
In Eudora, hit TOO:LS
OPTIONS
and in the second panel, CHECKING MAIL
put a 0 into the slot for how frequently it should check mail.
That will again make it a manual check,
AFTER running MailWasher, or by hitting F6 in MailWasher.
By the way, blacklisting doesn't really work. Those assholes
never forge the same sending address twice in a row. Just
look for what is common amongst them, and make a filter.
Yeah, creating a filter sounds technical, but it is really easy.
You just mouse them together.
After you have made one or two, it becomes a game.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Finding one of her students making faces at the others
on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to
reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said,
"Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made
ugly faces, it would freeze and it would stay like
that."
Bobby looked up and replied, aghast:
"And you did it anyway!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Junk Mail Envelopes
To save money on buying envelopes, take any pre-addressed
envelopes that come in the mail that aren't going to be used
and put white labels over the address. Make sure not to use
envelopes that are obviously not suited to your purpose.
Even the envelopes with the see through windows can be
used. Just put the white label over the window part.
We haven't purchased envelopes in ages!
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his
face. Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother
asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"
Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could answer a
question."
"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.
"Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
That reminds me....
The wall clock in our philosophy lecture hall was about as old
as the professor and had a very interesting trait. If it was hit
with an eraser, it jumped ahead a couple of minutes.
Naturally, that special feature was abused on a regular basis
to shorten the philosophy lectures.
The professor seemed to be in his own little world and
appeared not to notice.
Then came the semester exam.
After everybody had picked up their copy of the exam booklet
and settled down to do some serious cheating the professor
walked around, collected all the erasors and sat at an empty
spot near the front, and proceeded to throw erasers at the
wall clock.
For some reason that caused the cheat sheets to rustle a lot
more nervously than usual.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a
woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was
standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man
stated, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000
if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to
the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims
back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] ok, bud,
where's my 'grand'?"
"But, this is my *mother-in-law*!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and
says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"
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( 3 / 703 )
Friday, September 16, 2011, 07:43 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 16
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thanks Debora!
The London rioters:
Nobody is surprised about those numbers, and the way they
turned the riots in Libya into a NATO bomber supported
revolution, they bought themselves a lot of bad karma, that
is going to come around and bite them in the butt.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
To invent, you need a good imagination
and a pile of junk.
--- Thomas A. Edison
-----------------
I agree 100%. Fencing in the village dumps hurt progress
more than the stopping of the moon exploration program.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, ... Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would
like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to
feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin'."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table
when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was
on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother
noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at
Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan.
"Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Connie L. Sumlin, 45, and Gail Trula Johnson, 58 in
Erwin, TN
Stole art from Arby's
You may expect to hear about art theft from the Louvre or the
Guggenheim or the Museum of Modern Art, but Arby’s?
Two women from Erwin were charged Tuesday with stealing
$1,200 worth of art work from a Johnson City Arby’s restaurant.
According to Johnson City police, Connie L. Sumlin, 45, 114
Masters St., and Gail Trula Johnson, 58, Parsley St., both of
Erwin, were accused of stealing art from the lobby area of Arby’s,
1909 South Roan St., on Sept. 3.
On Sept. 7, police said Arby’s store manager Susan Kennedy,
43, notified police that two women, who were later identified as
Sumlin and Johnson, were caught on the store’s surveillance
camera stealing both a picture of pears in a wooden frame and
a piece of metal wall art that had recently been purchased
during remodeling of the restaurant.
According to the police report, the surveillance footage showed
both women stopping in the lobby to look at the art on the wall.
One of the women removed both items and carried them inside,
while the other woman entered the store and purchased some
food before leaving.
Sumlin and Johnson were later identified using the video
surveillance and the transaction information from the food
purchase.
Both women were charged with theft over $500. They were
being held in the Washington County Detention Center on
$1,000 bonds.
Sumlin and Johnson were scheduled to appear in Washington
County Sessions Court Wednesday.
Arbys usually ploughs some of their profits back into the
community by buying locally produced art and salad,
when available.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Nita
Re: No spam at Hughes
Dear Webby,
Good Morning Webby,
When I was on dial-up I received tons of spam every day. I
have recently gotten Hughes.net and have not received any
spam. My neighbor who has had Hughes for years does not
get spam either. Do you have any idea where it is going?
Thanks a lot for all your help over the years.
Nita
Dear Nita
Hughes is very concerned about file transfers, since they
have only a very limited amount available on the satellite.
So they are weeding out spam VERY diligently.
It also helps, that you retired the old address and got a
new one, that the spammers don't know yet,
and that now you are a lot more carful about where you
use your address, than you used to be, when you were new.
I would recommend, that you get a gmail address on the side.
It is just as reliable, but you can easily dump it and replace it
with another disposable "shopping address".
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Three patients in a psychiatric institution prepare for an
examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients
pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five
more years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the empty swimming
pool, and asks the first patient to jump in.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks
both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why you
didn't jump?" asked the doctor.
"Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Bird Feeder Suet
This tip is for all you birdwatchers out there! This past
summer I decided to start making my own suet. I make
up a batch every month and store it in the freezer until
I need it. Since it's warm out, I only use a small cylinder
shaped wire feeder so the bigger birds can't get on it.
I have had so much fun watching the baby woodpeckers
feed on this and they really seem to like it better than the
store bought kind. Of course, in the colder months, I will
use bigger cages so all can enjoy. I use all generic
products, so it's not as expensive to make.
By Robbie from IN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few
minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect
order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me,
what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved
and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you
said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would
drop dead! We want to see how you do that."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was
covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do
you do for a living?"
He said, "I'm a former window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Oh, about halfway down."
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything
okay with your car now?"
Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that
the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars
worth of blinker fluid and a muffler alignment."
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Most powerful spam filter
Thursday, September 15, 2011, 07:22 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 14
Summer was back this afternoon. Somehow I feel a lot more
energetic in shorts and a short sleeve shirt.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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People who say they sleep like a baby,
usually don't have one.
--- Leo J. Burke
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
--- Wilson Mizner
A man was going to attend a costume party dressed in a
costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted
into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.
At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter
through the doors and windows. One lady got her coat sleeve
caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came
closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church
for 20 years, but really, when you look at all the gossiping I've
done, you'll see that I've really been on your side all the time."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
From Carol:
Dear Webby
Once upon a time, long, long ago, you had a joke about a
granny and the Hawaian Good Luck Sign. Can you PLEASE,
pretty please, dig that out and print it again ?
I got show it to proof that I am not nuts.
Thank you sooo much!
Carol
No problem, Carol!
Here it is:
The Letter from Gramma:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and
saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost
in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't
notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and
started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even
honked my own horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because
I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the
back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a
Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson
burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious
experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the
joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved
to all my sisters and brothers, grinning of course, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the
car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Peter Quill, 45, San Juan Capistrano, California
Can't handle generator noise
SANTA ANA (CBS) — A San Juan Capistrano bonehead is behind
bars after assaulting his neighbor with a flashlight over an
allegedly noisy generator during a blackout, that left
thousands of local homes without power.
Peter Quill, 45, is accused of hitting his neighbor, Anthony
Morales, over the head with a flashlight after complaining
about the loud hum of a generator he was using during the
widespread power outage, authorities said.
Neighbors say Morales is a Los Angeles firefighter.
Quill reportedly confronted Morales shortly before 11 p.m.
on Thursday and demanded that he turn off the generator
due to the excessive noise, said Orange County Sheriff’s
Department spokesman Jim Amormino.
When Morales refused repeated demands, Quill then
allegedly returned to Morales’ home with a flashlight and
attempted to turn off the generator himself, said Amormino.
Morales was hospitalized with lacerations and a possible
concussion, said Amormino.
Many residents and businesses in Orange County used gas
generators to power their homes overnight during the outage
that lasted through early Friday morning, according to officials.
Quill was booked into Men’s Central Jail on charges of assault
with a deadly weapon, Amormino said. He is being held on
$25,000 bail.
Usually the real cause of fights over emergency generators
is not over their noise, but caused by envy and the inability
to donate power from the generator to neighbors, who spent
their money on other things. Generators usually make less
noise than a lawn mower and are not a big deal, though it
can get rather noisy if every house in a circle has one
running.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Brig
Re: Most powerful filter
Dear Webby,
I know you are a wiz at making filters in Mailwasher.
What is your most powerful filter, and can we have it, please?
Brig
Dear Brig
I checked the cute pie chart in Mailwasher, and my "Boundary"
filter does just a hair over 20% of all the filters together.
Here it is:
If the entire header contains
="----=_
or
----------bound--
then mark the message as mail to be deleted, automatically.
Considering how many filters I have, 20% is a huge chunk
of the 4000 - 5000 pieces of mail sent towards me every day.
Looking at that pie chart in Mailwasher can really cheer me up!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new
parents how to care for their infants. As I was demon-
strating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple
turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby
like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "that's a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said
anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges
I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to
some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch
it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was
having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought
a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working
just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are
much less expensive than the quilting clips.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Judi was out driving around and found herself out in the country.
She stopped when she saw a farmer tending to one of his
animals.
"Sir," Judi asked, "why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer thought for a moment, and, in a patient and kindly
tone said, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage
with their horns. Sometimes we farmers keep 'em trimmed
down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix 'em up by
putting a couple of drops of acid where their horns would grow
in and that stops 'em cold."
Judi nodded.
The farmer continued. "Then some breeds of cattle don't even
grow horns. But the reason THIS cow doesn't have any horns,
ma'am, is because it's a horse."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Myrna for this:
Diet is something most of us do religiously.
We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
Thanks to Leo for this:
My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking
30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the
attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind
quits?"
The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered,
"We take the rocks out of our pockets."
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Forward just selected text
Wednesday, September 14, 2011, 10:14 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 14
Thank you Millie!
Summer has gone into hiding. It cooled off to 7 degrees
above freezing and I decided to wear long pants and a jacket
for my evening walk, the first time since spring. Without a
wind, I'd tough it out, but today I ruled on the side of comfort.
The wind is supposed to calm down a bit tomorrow, and we'll
see the sun again. I am not putting the summer shorts away
just yet!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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If I had to live my life again,
I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
--- Tallulah Bankhead
There are more fools in the world than there are people.
--- Heinrich Heine
The minister asked, "Is there anyone in the congregation
who wants a prayer said for their shortcomings?"
"Yes" said a man in the front pew. "I am a spendthrift.
I throw money around like it is growing on trees."
"Very well" said the pastor. "We will join in prayer for
our brother...just as soon as the collection plate has
been passed."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Rev Jesse's church moved to the empty warehouse beside a
liquor store and topless bar, because their old church could
not hold all the faithful.
The liquor store and especially the topless bar were a real
thorn in Rev Jesse's side, especially because some members
had the annoying habit of sneaking out during the sermon
and coming back rather inebriated, AFTER the collection
plates had been hauled around by the deacons.
He called the bar evil and a work of the devil and really got
some steam up one day, when a nearby storm cut the power
and the lights went out. Well, like any proper church, they
had enough candles for the deacons and a few other good
donors.
Rev Jesse lambasted the bar and called for the Good Lord to
smite it and burn it to the ground. Just then some very close
and very noisy lightning caused somebody to flinch and set the
Reverend's wife's wig on fire. The wig got tossed, but
unfortunately it landed in the wardrobes at the side entrance
and set everything there on fire.
Eventually, they got the fire almost under control, but not until
it had spread to the adjoining bar.
To make a long story short, the bar burned to the ground.
Naturally, Rev Jesse claimed the credit for that for himself
and the Good Lord, and was not in the least bit shy telling
everybody about how he and the Gold Lord had defeated
the evil bar next door.
Just as naturally, when the bar owner sued the church for
damages, Rev Jesse reversed his rethoric and insisted,
that it was not a miracle, just an accident.
The matter went to court and quite amused the judge.
"So, here we have a sinner, who claims the Good Lord
accomplished a miracle, and a preacher, who claims that
the Good Lord can't do that."
Since the fire had started in the church, just seconds after
Rev Jesse had called upon the Good Lord to smite the evil
bar, the judge sided with the sinner and ordered the church
to pay for rebuilding the bar.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, in Hialeah, Florida
Big Sucker
SEPTEMBER 8--Driving a minivan outfitted with a generator-powered
vacuum system, a Florida man yesterday surreptitiously siphoned
250 gallons of gasoline from a Citgo outlet before the station’s owner
became suspicious and called cops.
When Broward County sheriff’s deputies arrived at the Oakland Park
gas station, they arrested Yoenis Cristo Banos, 28, on a felony grand
theft charge.
A search of Banos’s Dodge Grand Caravan revealed that the vehicle’s
rear seats were removed and replaced with three huge plastic tanks
and a generator used to power the illegal siphoning system. One of the
plastic drums held 255 gallons of diesel fuel, valued at $1019.75,
according to a sheriff's report.
Banos allegedly parked the van above a compartment leading to the
underground vaults storing the Citgo station’s fuel supplies. He then
somehow dropped hoses into the reservoir and began sucking up
the gasoline into the van’s plastic tanks.

When Broward County Sheriff’s Office deputies discovered the
large amount of gasoline inside the van, a hazardous materials
team was called to the station to remove the diesel fuel.
After being booked on the grand theft charge, Banos was freed
from custody after posting $1000 bond. It is unclear what the
unemployed Hialeah resident planned to do with the stolen gas.
The tanks look like two 100 gallon and one 250 gallon tank. If he
had not been interrupted and had filled all tanks, that would have
been about 1700 kg (3750 lb) of fuel.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: Forward just part of a mail
Dear Webby,
You know when someone forwards a cute email with grapics,
it usually has a 1,000 other names before you. How does one
get rid of the prior name lists and still keep the grapics?
I would like to forward it without all the previous names. It is not
a photo type, it's when you have a short verse and then an object
or person that moves and then another verse and so on.
Thanks, Bob
Dear Bob
With Eudora I would highlight the part that I want to forward,
hit Forward, put in the destination address, and hit Send.
I don't know how the other 657 email programs do it, but
the same trick might work OK in many of them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in
now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to
Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So
what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,
"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can
keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to
be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble
locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the
second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in southern Argentina."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Plastic Paper Clips to Hold Bias Tape on Curved Edges
I have a rather unorthodox way of attaching bias tape to
some items. I just insert the fabric into the fold and stitch
it down. Since the place mats are oval shaped, I was
having trouble holding them flat and in place. I bought
a box of the little plastic paper clips, and they are working
just fine. I just stitch a ways and remove them. They are
much less expensive than the quilting clips.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bill was noted for his tact. One night he was awakened at four
am by his ringing telephone.
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate
voice. Bill thanked the caller, told him he would check it out and
politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at four o'clock, Bills called back his neighbor
told him:
"Sir, I don't have a dog."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.
As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst
was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were
getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know
tonight, just wave."
A dinner party of different nationalities had arrived at a
restaurant. They each ordered a glass of wine, but when the
wine arrived they noticed that each of the glasses had a
fly in it.
* The Swede demanded to have new wine in the same glass.
* The Englishman demanded to have new wine in a new glass.
* The Finn picked the fly out of the wine and drank the wine.
* The Russian drank the wine, fly and all.
* The Chinese ate the fly but left the wine.
* The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
* The Roman drank two thirds of the wine and then
demanded to have new wine.
* The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish for cod.
* The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the wine,
which he then donated to the Englishman.
* The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a 65
million dollar compensation for mental suffering.
* The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and roared:
'Now spit out all that you swallowed!!'
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Log program with calculator
Tuesday, September 13, 2011, 08:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 13
Thank you Frank!
I had to laugh about the anti-nuclear fanatics getting all
hysterical about the furnace explosion at Centraco in France.
There isn't even a nuclear reactor at that site, they just
do waste processing, like burning used gloves and coveralls
and tools and ladders.
Sure, that stuff has radioactivity, that is measurable with
today's instruments, but nowhere near as serious as say the
big green dots on Grampa's Big Ben alarm clock.
Somebody apparently had thrown something into the to be
burned waste, that caused an explosion. They don't know
yet, whether it was a thermos full of coffee or wine, and
don't really expect to find out for sure.
All they know is that it had nothing to do with radioactivity
or nuclear action, just that a waste treatment oven blew up.
That, of course did not stop the hysterical fanatics all over
Europe from trying to incite panic and demanding, that
nuclear powerplants be shut down.
France is the leading country in nuclear power generation,
followed by South Korea.
Even though France has a lot of hydro project potential in
the French Alps, the anti development propagandists have
made those pretty well impossible.
While they were busy getting hysterical against hydro projects,
nuclear power plants became so common in France, that it is
difficult to make them appear scary. 70% of the electricity in
France is from nuclear power plants.
Most of the hysteria is in the countries surrounding France,
and the waste treatment oven accident is not likely to cause
any changes in France.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"When a woman tries on clothing from her closet
that feels tight, she will assume she has
gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has
shrunk."
--- Socratex
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable, except that they will always
be scheming to make you feel guilty.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody and forget all training,
when they are unhappy..
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house or yard.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but have selective hearing when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they stalk off and pout.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you pet them every day.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They can be trained.
Conclusion: Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Hachem Gomez, 19, Mt prospect, Ill
Burglar found cooking inside restaurant
MOUNT PROSPECT, Ill., Sept. 11 (UPI) -- Police arrested a
Mount Prospect, Ill., man who allegedly broke into a restaurant
and made himself a meal.
Police say an alarm went off at Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount
Prospect early Saturday morning, and when police arrived,
they found Hachem Gomez making a meal.
Video surveillance of Mr. Beef and Pizza in Mount Prospect
allegedly shows Hachem Gomez, 19, entering the restaurant
early Saturday by breaking into the drive-through window, the
Arlington Heights (Ill.) Daily Herald reported.
Assistant State's Attorney Robin Murphy said the video also
shows Gomez damaging a cash register before stealing fries
and chicken tenders from a freezer and cooking them in
a microwave.
There was no indication that Gomez was drunk or under the
influence of drugs at the time of the burglary and the man has
no criminal background, Murphy said.
Gomez's bond was set at $5,000 and he is scheduled to
appear in court on Sept. 21.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Mick
Re: log program that has a calculator
Dear Webby
What is a good daily log program that has a calculator
built in ?
Mick
Dear Mick
Just use your favorite spreadsheet, Quattro, Calc, Excel,
Lotus, etc. Even Google's online spreadsheet works fine
for simple stuff.
If you are not familiar with spreadsheets, don't panic. They
are so easy now that any kid can learn them by just playing
a bit. And they all have good help built in.
You will be amazed how easy they are, and how versatile.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Felix was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the
chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People
actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes?
What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Chill Counter Before Rolling Out Cookie Dough
To cool down the counter top when rolling out pastry and
cookies or when making candy, chill it with ice packs.
You can make your own by filling gallon-size freezer
bags halfway with water. Force out as much air as possible,
seal, and place them in the freezer on a cookie sheet.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside
the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a
very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat
with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it
was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to
him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated
tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of
tires. . . maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My
wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her
about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on
the dirty work and get the job done."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
In 1643 it was illegal to cook a mince pie or Christmas pudding
in the New England and New Haven colonies. The Puritans
banned any Christmas celebrations that did not take place in
a church.
Now people there gather at the mall and few of them have
ever been in a church.
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell
you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great
person."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
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( 2.8 / 501 )
Spreadsheet not adding up right
Monday, September 12, 2011, 08:18 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 12
Re 9/11:
From Argentina: When I turned the TV on and saw the planes
flying straight into the towers, I was numbed with shock. A friend
came home during the afternoon, and we sat and gaped at the
screen, tears rolling down our faces, commenting now'n'then
on something that seemed more relevant than the rest.
We could talk of nothing else for a long time!
Manin
I was frantically getting work done and at the same time
preparing to fly to Tennessee the next day, on the 12th.
Then the radio interrupted the music and reported a passenger
plane flying into the WTC. While I was trying to hear details,
all phones and the fax got noisy, and over a dozen Skype
messages popped. This was REAL!
There was no doubt at all, before I even had a chance to
listen to any of the callers. Then people called and told me
about a hockey player and some guys going to storm the cockpit
of Flight 93, and shortly afterward, how they had brought it
down short of where the terrorists had planned to use it.
That was a spark of hope.
My flight scheduled for the next day was of course canceled
by the air line. Nothing was flying on the 12th or the 13th,
and everything was messed up for the 14th. When planes flew
again, it was quite obvious, that the world had changed.
I was the first off the plane and into the empty and echoing
terminal in Nashville. No crowds, no sound except my footsteps
and my breathing. It was eerie!
At the exit, there were the first two people I saw in Tennessee,
two soldiers in full combat gear, with machine guns at the ready.
I realized, there was not going to be a return to "as before 9/11".
We are coping, but just like Pearl Harbor changed the world,
so did 9/11.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into
believing in government and business.
--- Tom Robbins
The capacity to care is the thing which
gives life its deepest meaning and significance.
--- Pablo Casals
Porridge:
Budget conscious parent will tell you that it is a
traditional, nutritious, lovingly prepared hot cereal
breakfast dish.
Kids will tell you that the name is an amalgamation of
the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any
interest in his paintings that are on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replies.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about
your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought
all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the
bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
Tanks to Sandie for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Steven K. Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha
From ankle bracelet to handcuffs
Turns out a court-monitored ankle bracelet is not proper
attire for an armed robbery.
Apparently Steven K. Tubbs didn't get the memo.
His fashion faux pas led to his arrest in connection with an
Omaha home invasion where, prosecutors allege, Tubbs pointed
a shotgun at a young couple who were sleeping with their
infant son.
Tubbs, 25, of Fort Calhoun and Andrew Mason, 25, of Omaha
were arrested Tuesday, the day after the robbery near 106th
and Blondo Streets.
Prosecutor Mike Jensen said a parole officer heard the
description of the men involved and thought one might be a
parolee of the officer's.
When the officer checked information on Tubbs' court-ordered
ankle monitor, it showed him at the couple's address about the
time the robbery was committed.
Tubbs was charged with two counts of robbery, use of a
weapon to commit a felony and possession of a weapon by
a prohibited person. He was ordered held on $500,000 bail.
Tubbs was on parole after serving nearly two years in prison
for attempted robbery, use of a weapon to commit a felony and
terroristic threats.
Mason was charged with two counts of robbery and ordered held
on $250,000 bail.
Among the items taken from the home was an American Express
credit card that was used shortly after the robbery.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: BF
Re: Spreadsheet not adding up right
Dear Webby
When adding up columns in an old spreadsheet, I get weird
results. Also, I notice that some of the numbers are not
lined up the same way as the others. How can I fix that ?
BF
Dear BF
Some of those numbers are not real numbers but just text.
If there was a space in front or the back when it was pasted,
then the spreadsheet treated it as text.
Just highlight the cell and retype the number
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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According to statistics, last year over 17 million
American families paid a lot of money for things that
looked funny and didn't work.
Seven million of these were antiques;
The rest were college students.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Mayonnaise for Hair Conditioner
Mayonnaise makes a very good hair conditioner at an affordable
price. For shiny, silky hair, rinse with vinegar. Don't worry, the
smell disappears! To strip conditioner build-up off hair, use
Dawn dish soap. This works very well.
Source: My sister-in-law who is a beautician.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Keep in mind that commercial mayonaise has a very rude PH,
(high, acidic) on purpose, so that nothing can grow in it, and so
that even old and stale sandwiches are safe. That is not going to
make your hair fall out, but it can really mess up any PH related
scheme you got going. If you are paying for a shampoo, that is
claimed to lower or raise the PH of your hair, don't negate
that with Mayonaise!
Have FUN!
Dearwebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill had been called
to their companys head office in New York for a pep talk and
party.
As they staggered out of the party, Bill started crossing the
street, while Gary accidently stumbled into a subway
entrance. When Bill reached the other side he turned to
notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Bill slurred.
"I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train
set that guy has in his basement..."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr.
Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers
like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,"
admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and
always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers
like you. The problem is, I have two hundred on the
deadbeat list."
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because
our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed
to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths
shut,
and don't pout when I yell at them."
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( 3 / 583 )
Sunday, September 11, 2011, 09:53 PM
Posted by Administrator
JAZZ - Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES - Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC - Dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA - People singing when they should be talking.
RAP - People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL - Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK - Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND - 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: - Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC - OK as long as it's not the house next door.
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( 3 / 558 )
Sunday, September 11, 2011, 09:02 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, September 11
What did YOU do ten years ago today?
How did it affect you?
Let me know!
I will make space for the most remarkable reports.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"Blessed are the forgetful: for they
get the better even of their blunders."
--- Nietzsche
A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the
church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her
baptismal certificate.
We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy
well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I
told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the
name of the baby's father."
Tanks to Lillemor for this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
Don't know its name. The flower heads get huge,which usually
are crawling with bees. In the off season state the plants look like
tiny little brussel sprouts on the soil.
Lillemor
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19 in Prescott, AZ
Walmart employees rob their store
PHOENIX (Reuters) - Two Walmart employees robbed an Arizona
store where they worked, stealing $45,000, and planned to buy a
car and fund a sex change operation with the proceeds, police
said on Wednesday.
Police in Prescott, around 80 miles northwest of Phoenix, arrested
Spencer Cullen, 23, and Adriano Altiveros, 19, on Friday. They
were accused of stealing over $45,000 in cash from the Walmart
store in Prescott.
"Cullen told detectives that ... her motive for stealing the
money was to go forward with a sex change operation
that she had wanted," Prescott police spokesman Lt. Andy
Reinhardt told Reuters by telephone.
"I don't believe that she had made arrangements at that point,
but I do believe that she had already started the process
(to become a man)," he added.
Reinhardt said video surveillance showed that Altiveros
distracted cashiers so Cullen could let herself into the
locked cash office using a key.
After the burglary, Cullen gave the cash to Altiveros, who
then used $22,000 to buy a Toyota Supra car from a private
seller in the Phoenix area.
The two suspects were being held in custody. Reinhardt said
that all but 31 cents of the stolen money had been recovered.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Beth
Re: Ad Blocker
Dear Webby,
I got sick and tired of all the banners and ads on all the web
pages and installed an ad blocker program. I never buy
anything off the net anyway.That has noticeably improved
getting TO the sites I want to go to, but many of them
don't work any more. I also noticed that many of those sites
now require that I sign in with my email address, and others
bounce me to very rude and vulgar pages.
I pay for my Internet access and have a right to browse to
where I want to, without being insulted or kicked out. Where
can I complain about that?
Beth
Dear Beth
First, you don't have any more right to browse to wherever
you want to, than you have a right to go to a football stadium
or concert for free, just because you paid for your shoes.
The sites put a lot of time and work and money into their effort
to present what they do, and are trying to recover some of that
money by showing ads. If you block those ads, they consider
you a useless parasite, who is trying to steal from them,
because they have to pay for the file transfer costs that YOU
incur for them.
If you don't like being treated with the same lack of respect
that fence crawlers get at the football stadium, then maybe you
should remove those programs that declare to the world that
you are trying to be a useless parasite.
If you don't buy through the net, you are not contributing to
the cost of operating the net, and
YOUR opinion does not count on the net.
It might be time to grow up and realize that you CAN become
a respected citizen of the net, and not just be seen as an
expensive parasite on the outside the fence.
There are thousands of excellent deals availbale on the net,
and categorically saying that you never buy through the net,
that brands you as too dumb to be on the net.
You most definitely don't get any respect that way.
Time to open your eyes and see what a wonderful world
we have up here.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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Bob and his wife were driving down a country lane on their
way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in
the road and the car became bogged down.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves,
they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some
oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple
in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.
Bob readily accepted and minutes later the car was free.
Bob looked at the muddy tracks around the puddle and
remarked that a lot of cars must be getting stuck there.
"You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud
today, the farmer said"
Bob looked around at the fields incredulously and asked the
farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land?
You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put
the water in the hole. My wife does the farm work with the
tractor."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Clean Fireplace with Vinegar
Remove fireplace soot and grime with undiluted white
distilled vinegar. Use a brush to scrub then blot the
wetness and dirt off with a towel.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a
luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former
high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old
hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and
said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you
doing these days?"
"I'm into politics," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother.
She thinks I'm still a pimp."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and
headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got
a sore butt, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find
anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you
sober up."
The CIA lost track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one
of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy
and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located
him, tell him the code words,
'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.'
If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'"
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a pub in Dublin.
He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking
for a guy named Murphy."
The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific
because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy.
There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next
block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local
savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the
stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too."
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code
words on bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for
mist in the morning."
The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy.
He lives right down the street, but he usually doesn't come in
here till around 8 PM."
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( 3.1 / 479 )
Safe place for printer ink
Saturday, September 10, 2011, 08:19 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 10
Texas school caves in to ACLU,
changes policy on Pledge of Allegiance
The Examiner
Not my place to comment on that.
Dimitris from Atlantic Inkjet.com leaked me some interesting news:
Coming soon... ink you can eat! Also known as edible ink,
this is a new product being developed by Atlantic Inkjet and
soon to be released. Why would anyone want to use edible ink?
For digital prints onto cakes, cupcakes etc. Now you can print
your favorite photos onto edible paper (using edible ink) and
then place the prints onto your cake! Edible paper applies onto
frosting, so the final product looks like you have printed directly
onto your cake! Atlantic inkjet is making their edible ink available
inside edible ink cartridges that are compatible and easily refillable.
I'll let you know, when the edible ink and edible paper is ready.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
There are painters who transform the sun into
a yellow spot, but there are others who,
thanks to their art and intelligence,
transform a yellow spot into the sun.
--- Pablo Picasso
I am not young enough to know everything.
--- Oscar Wilde
On their first date together, Sandie appeared in the door in a
strapless gown which simply defied gravity.
"That's amazing," he told her, admiring her . . . uhh, gown.
"I don't see what's holding that dress up!"
She smiled and replied, "Play your cards right and you will."
Are you tired of slow computer start-ups due to too many
sloppy updates and unnecessary programs?
PC Optimizer PRO will fix all that and get you an even faster
start-up, than when your computer was brand new.
Get the PC Optimizer PRO now!
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye
surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday,"
she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure
you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,"
he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was
not mine, but a different one that's cheap-looking and ugly!"
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your
cataract operation was a success."
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Philip Conran, 44 in Hartford, Connecticut
Probation for fake orgy ad
HARTFORD, Conn. - A Connecticut man has been sentenced to
probation for posting a bogus ad about an orgy at the house
of a neighbor with whom he had been feuding.
Court records show 44-year-old Philip Conran pleaded guilty
to risk of injury to a child last week in Hartford Superior Court.
He has been sentenced to three years of probation and 200
hours of community service. He also has been ordered to pay
for the West Hartford neighbor's house alarm system.
Police say Conran posted the Craigslist ad in April 2010 and
that several strangers knocked on the neighbor's door. One
man went to the wrong home, groped a teenage girl and was
arrested.
Conran's attorney, Michael Georgetti, says his client regrets
his actions.
--------------------------------
Not quite a bonehead award, but funny anyway:
Distracted
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Siegfried
Re: Safe place for printer ink
Dear Webby,
What is a safe place to buy inkjet cartridges from ?
I found out the hard way that what they sell at Staples are
what seems to be genuine counterfeit cartridges. They look
like the real and official ones, but perform worse than the
no-name-brands, especially when you try to refill them.
What now?
Siegfried
Dear Siegfried
Whenever the cartridges wear out, we get replacements from
Atlantic Inkjet .com.
Their cartridges are of consistent and predictable quality
and we can count on being able to refill them half a dozen
or more times. When you buy the initial kit with the syringes
and accessories, you even get the little rubber plugs that
some cartridges need.
I am quite happy with them and feel good about
recommending them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.
They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his
wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic
family. God is very proud of you."
,
"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic,
I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Free Coffee Grounds for Your Garden at Starbucks
Used coffee grounds are a great, free fertilizer in your
garden. Roses and acid-loving plants love it. Starbucks
will give them to you for free!
By lindal from Vista, CA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Used coffee grounds are not really a
fertilizer. They provide totally neutral mulch and bulk for
hydroponic projects, and may eventually compost to something
useful. The useful stuff has been destroyed to achieve that
trademark burned dishwater flavor, and all kinds of artificial
flavorings have been added. Whether that stuff is good for
your garden and your health is a matter of finding out the
hard way.
Grounds from your own, regular, unflavored coffee are
OK and help build moisture retaining mass, and when used
as pot topping, sometimes discourage weed seeds from
germinating.
The best use of coffee grounds is in the compost, same as
any kitchen waste.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At
the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have
it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South
Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with
fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on
fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated
all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one...a
retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said.
"Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray...except
one man.
"Why aren't you praying?" the minister asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle,
taking an offering.
Thanks to Ann for this:
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that. "Why?" "Because it's been laying outside
and is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly," everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a
Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed.
"Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
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Which browser is best for today?
Friday, September 9, 2011, 09:41 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 9
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
I got out of having to mow the lawn all of August, but decided
to mow it now, before the first leaves fall. A short lawn does
not trap them and lets the wind blow them on further down
the road.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
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Economics is extremely useful as a form of
employment for economists.
--- John Kenneth Galbraith
"It's not so much how busy you are,
but why you are busy.
The bee is praised.
The mosquito is swatted."
--- Mary O'Connor
"Happiness is a way station between
to little and too much."
--- Channing Pollock
A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked
in followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped
up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock
over a lamp and chew on the cushions.
The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't
you think you should train your dog a little better?"
"My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought she was your dog!
She was sitting on your door mat, when I drove up."
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
A young boy, about five years old, was at the corner
"Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box
of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to
be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my cat."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your cat. It's very
powerful and if you wash your cat in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped. He carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still
tried to talk him out of washing his cat.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy
some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his cat was
doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was
sorry the cat died but added, "I tried to tell you not to
use that detergent on your cat."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the
detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle."
As I suspected, yesterday's picture of a whale and a dentist,
was a composite. It was too good, though, not to share it.
Click through for the big picture.
Looks like on the lower McKenzie, except I remember a LOT
more mosquitos!
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Justin Caine, 23, and Ryan Williams, 24 in Niceville, FL
Dope on the shirt
NICEVILLE — An officer who stopped a vehicle for a minor
traffic violation ended up arresting two men for felonies.
Justin Caine, 23, was driving in a 2003 Chevrolet Impala when
the officer stopped him for a broken tag light, according to the
Niceville Police Department arrest report.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he smelled marijuana
and called another officer with a police dog for backup.
After the second officer arrived, they walked up to the vehicle
and saw “a piece of a green leafy substance on the driver’s shirt,”
the report stated.
At that point, they arrested Caine and found additional marijuana
inside his right front pocket. In all, he had 28 grams of marijuana.
Possession of more than 20 grams is considered a felony under
Florida law.
Caine’s passenger, Ryan Williams, 24, said he knew that Caine
had the marijuana and had smoked some with him.
Both were charged with possession of a controlled substance
without a prescription.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Shirley
Re: Chrome or FireFox?
Dear Webby,
Which browser is best chrome or firefox? You are a very good computer whizz and I value your suggestions. Love the newsletter and really like all the computer hints along with everything else.
Have a very wonderful evening
Shirley
Dear Shirley
FireFox is fast, and quite predictable. If you want a browser,
that is fast and predictable, and just want to get work done
instead of marveling at what they have done to browsers,
then FireFox 6.01 is your best choice.
Chrome works, is very fast, but has a few rough edges.
It is probably best suited for people, who like experimenting
a bit and who don't mind, if some of the functions are not
quite the way they expect them.
Internet Explorer is not in the top three any more. It has
been pushed to #4 by Maxthon.
Maxthon, which started as a Chinese clone of Internet Explorer,
is tops for all the new touch screen devices coming out of
China. It faster and more predictable than IE, even though
some of it's error screens still say Internet Explorer. If you
want the look and feel of IE, but more speed and reliability,
then get Maxthon3.
Internet Explorer, in fourth place, is slow and not always
predictable, but it comes pre-installed with Windows, so a
lot of people are familiar with it.
Mac Safari (there is a Windows version) is a great browser
for reading eBooks. It has the best font rendering and makes
reading easy on the eyes. For anything else, it is not in the
same league as FireFox or Chrome, no matter what the Mac
fanatics say, but it is definitely worth it's space on your machine
for reading eBooks and long texts.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Bob has been playing golf for years, and he has the finest
equipment, but his technique has never improved a bit. As his
friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly
drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he
drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a
new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.
Bob replied: "Where do you buy old balls?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Grow Morning Glory Around Dog Kennel
I tossed Morning Glory seeds all around the dog kennel in
hopes it would provide a nice shade cover for summer,
and it sure did. It looked nice too.
By freedombelle2001 from Bellevue, NE
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing
all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but
finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and
cried: "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
"The Creation Story As Told By The Cat"
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth
to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that
the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to
keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to
scoop the litterbox.
My brother was a chaplain in a university residence hall. He
was supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include
a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted him.
The freshmen in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for
him by calling the kitten "the Book,"
One morning as he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a
beer case, a student stopped him and asked,
"Where are you taking the Book?"
He exlained that he was taking the kitten to the vet.
"She's getting neutered today," he told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
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Flat looking flash pictures
Thursday, September 8, 2011, 08:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 8
Some people told me not to compare shootings in New York
and Afghanistan, because in New York three out of five rounds
hit somebody, whereas in Afghanistan the ratio is more like
three out of 5000, and the goal there is not to kill, but to keep
the ammo maker unions happy.
The current policy of "Courageous Restraint" apparently
does not encourage killing enemies.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither one works.
--- Socratex
What are the three great American parties?
Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Shirley had 2 two red ears and went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and
she answered, "I was ironing a blouse and the phone rang --
but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up
the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"While I was holding the burned ear with one hand, the guy
upstairs called, probably wanting to know what all the yelling
and screaming was about, so I picked up the phone, ahem,
I mean the iron, with the other hand."
Thanks to Martin for sending this picture:
Click through for the big picture.
The photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end
of the road in Sitka , Alaska ...
The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small
fish seen at the surface around the kayak). The kayaker is a local
Sitka Dentist. He apparently didnt sustain any injuries from the
terrifying experience. The whale was just around the corner from
the ferry terminal, and all the kayaker could think at that moment
in time was: "Paddle Man - really fast!"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Nathan Mark Hardy, 35 in Biloxi, Mississippi
Shoplifter pinched by police after trying to walk out of
store with live LOBSTERS in his pants
A man in southern Mississippi is accused of trying to walk
out of a D'Iberville grocery store without paying for live
lobsters he had stuffed into his cargo shorts.
Nathan Mark Hardy, 35, was arrested on Saturday after
allegedly being caught stuffing two bags of jumbo shrimp,
a pork loin and two live lobsters into his pants.
Police Chief Wayne Payne said Hardy, of Biloxi, tried to
escape by removing the pork loin from the waistband of his
pants and throwing it at employees of the local Winn Dixie.
But he fell while running away and was arrested at the scene.
'In all my years in law enforcement, I've seen people shoplift
steaks and all kinds of items, but never live lobster,' Chief
Payne told the Sun Herald. 'It’s a good thing the rubber bands
didn’t break.'
Police arrived to find Hardy with two live lobsters in the
front pockets of his shorts and two bags of jumbo shrimp
in his pants.
'He was wearing cargo-type shorts,' Chief Payne said.
The shoplifting charge is a misdemeanor, but Hardy remained
jailed Wednesday in the Harrison County jail with no bond
pending a hearing on a probation violation.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Silvia
Re: Flash pictures look flat
Dear Webby,
The flash pictures from my digital camera all turn out flat and
boring. What's the trick to make them look more realistic?
Silvia
Dear Silvia
The trick is not to use the built in flash. If you absolutely
have to use a flash, use a remote flash attached to the flash
"shoe" on top of the camera, and hold the remote flash at
the end of an outstretched arm.
What I found better than a remote flash is a 500 Watt quartz
halogen work light. They come in sturdy, weatherproof
housings with a safety grill in front and cost around $12-$15.
Set them up to the side and a bit higher than the camera,
and set the camera to NOT use flash.
The pictures have excellent contrast and a slightly warmer
tone than flash, which usually is a lot more flattering than the
cold hard light of a flash.
Since most digital cameras don't need as much light as a
film camera, you can use a regular dimmer switch to turn
the brightness down to just the right mood. At about half
dimmed down the resultant "mood" of the picture is as if
the room was lit by just candles.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A boy was taking care of his baby sister
while his parents went to town shopping.
He decided to go fishing and he had to take
her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother
that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and
not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all
the bait."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Craft Project: Autumn Pins
Create some adorable pins to wear during the autumn months
in less than an hour. With just a few supplies and a little stitching
and gluing, you can make several to sell or give as gifts. You
can also make them as magnets or to add to a wreath.
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car
accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6
months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer
pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle...
he's a bloody idiot! She asks the doctor,
"Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple
has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens
gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter.
While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in
heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says,
"I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me
go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they
really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect
of it all. What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder.
"Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Good Grief!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take
for me to find a lawyer?"
When my brother Donnie got home from a five-month deployment
of his submarine, he told us one of the ways the sailors kept up
their morale was by making wooden cars out of kits and then
running derby races.
"What do you do for a ramp?" I asked.
"Don't need one. We just put the cars on the floor and then tilt
the sub."
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Wednesday, September 7, 2011, 09:18 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, September 7
Thank you, Sig!
New York's Labor Day weekend shootings reached 43.
Afghanistan was fairly peaceful by comparison, and
no shooting fatality was reported for the Labor Day weekend.
Maybe, when the troops get pulled out of Afghanistan, they
should invade New York and civilize that place. It would
be good practise for New Orleans, which is a lot more
dangerous.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Everything starts as somebody's daydream.
--- Larry Niven
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But
when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
--- Socratex
"Anger is one letter away from danger."
--- Eleanor Roosevelt
A young man was talking to a girl that he had just met, and
asked her name.
"I don't want to tell you," she said, "I'm named after both
of my parents, and it's kind of embarrassing."
"Well, what could be so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"My mother's name is Eliza, and my father's name is Ferdinand."
the girl answered.
"Well, those are nice names" the guy replied.
"It would be, if they wouldn't have named me FerdEliza!"
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In
the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.
Click through for the big picture.
Somebody is going to get thumped in a moment.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Fausto Camargo, 19, and Michael Darling, 42, in Phoenix, AZ
Pregnant woman aids in bizarre burglary at Turf Paradise
PHOENIX. -- A pregnant woman is in the hospital after she
broke into Turf Paradise and crawled through a ventilation
space, in hopes of making her way to the race track's
money room, according to police.
The woman, along with two men snuck into Turf Paradise,
near 15th Avenue and Bell Road, about an hour before
opening time, on Sunday.
Police say the suspects threw together a plan just a few
hours before.
"Overnight these individuals were driving a vehicle and
hit a curb and somehow damaged two of their tires.
We understand they had concocted this plan to break
into the Turf Paradise this morning and break into the
cash box," said Sgt. Steve Martos with Phoenix Police.
One of the men was armed with a flare gun.
Police say they men hoisted the woman up through the
crawl space to travel about 50 feet, but the flimsy ceiling
tiles gave way in two different spots.
Security noticed the clamor and called police who arrested
the men. Fausto Camargo, 19, and Michael Darling, 42, were held
for 2nd degree burglary. Darling also faces drug possession
charges.
Officials finally convinced the woman to come down, but she
didn't go straight to jail instead telling police she was
5 months pregnant, and felt that perhaps she might be
going into labor.
She was taken to an area hospital. Her name hasn't
been released.
General Manager Vincent Francia said he's suspicious.
"How would [they] know where our money room is located?"
he said. "Most of our employees don't know that."
Francia says this time of year, folks at Turf would bet
about $150,000 on a Sunday before a holiday.
No word on how much cash was inside of the money room.
Police say the woman will also be prosecuted once she's
released from the hospital. The woman and baby are
reportedly doing okay.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Elmar
Re: Mis-spelled spam
Dear Webby,
Why does spam nowadays have so many mis-spellings and
garbled words in it ?
Even the garbage language the kids use on their chats makes
more sense.
Elmar
Dear Elmar
The spammers know that we are using filters to get rid of
their crap, and they are trying to sneak around those filters.
Nobody with the smarts of a mashed potato buys from one
of those spammers, but unfortunately there are enough
idiots out there to make it profitable enough for the
spammers to keep trying. Very few of the spam victims ever
get what they paid for, but that does not seem to stop
others from believing spammers.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire".
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make a Wind Chime with Old Beads and Jewelry
I recently put together a rather pretty hanger/wind chime
for the patio using lots of leftover beads, old odd earrings,
bits of old brooches and necklaces, and some colored
glass pieces from a broken wind chime. I grabbed a
piece of driftwood that was in the garden, drilled six holes
through the middle evenly spaced apart. Using 6 strands
of colored jewelry wire, approximately 18 inches (45cm) in
length, I threaded on all the bits and pieces randomly with
the pre-drilled glass at the bottom. I left a bit of wire at the
top, threaded it through each of the holes, secured it with
some good knots, and voila! a really pretty wind chime.
So easy a child could make one, and great for using up
all those odd beads, plastic flowers, metal do-dads, etc.
cluttering up your jewelry and craft boxes. If you don't
have many larger things to thread on, just space them
apart by knotting the colored wire. They still look great
and sparkle beautifully in the light. Have fun!
By Vicki7857 from Yeppoon, Queensland, Australia
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
If you have old AOL-CDs or any other obsolete CDs, you
cd use them in your chime as well.
CDs don't survive a Chinook or tornado, but while they
last, they sure do look pretty in the sunshine,
and they are free. Thread them so that the rest of the string
does not depend on them to be in place.
Nowadays I use a heavy steel chime, that Sandie had sent
me from Florida.
It has three 1/4" thick steel plates welded together at
the top to form a pyramid. You see, where it used to
hit the house. I have since then moved it to a better
location, where it does not do any damage, even when it
swings around horizontally.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling
trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and
says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets
or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one
of his neighbors buys a gun."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Saw a funny bumper sticker today:
Womens Libbers are not cuter, but they sure are funnier.
Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, she
arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C.
airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the
United States and Canada, where her husband was asked:
"What is your reason for entering the country?"
and "How long are you planning to stay?"
He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after
her trip to England. Without missing a beat, the customs
officer asked two more questions in the same businesslike
tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers
on the table, or do you want to quickly phone somebody?"
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Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 02:40 PM -
Posted by Administrator
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
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( 2.9 / 585 )
Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 08:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 6
Firefox 3.6 crashed twice on me today. Most likely the still
a bit flakey connection to Telus had a lot to do with that.
At any rate, I decided to try the newest FireFox, 6.01.
I am happy to say, it updated without any hassle at all,
re-used all my settings and add-ons, even the colored tabs,
and RoboForm was working instantly. I don't like the location
of the HOME button way over on the right side, but I imagine
enough people will complain about that in the Feedback,
so that thyey will move it, Reload, Back and Forward to top
and center, where they are most useful. They are usually
quite responsive.
The rest of 6.01 seems perfect. It is fast, and deals with
connectivity issues quite gracefully.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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I say that a man must be certain of his morality
for the simple reason, that he has to suffer for it.
--- G. K. Chesterton
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
--- Mark Twain
----------
hmmm, maybe I should try that!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said,"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your
fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
Click through for the big picture.
Lone Eagle, Colorado
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Michael Tyler Assad, 19 in Eustis, Florida
Bike tracks led to burglars
EUSTIS, Fla., Sept. 3 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said dirty
tracks from a pair of motorized bicycles led them from the
scene of a burglary to the apartment where they arrested
three suspects.
Eustis police said an estimated $3,800 worth of merchandise,
including a television, a laptop computer and the motorized
bikes, were stolen from the Windhorse Wellness Center
about 5:12 a.m. Thursday and police followed the tire tracks
about 600 yards to the apartment of former center worker
Michael Tyler Assad, 19, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported
Friday.
Assad was charged with burglary, grand theft, criminal
mischief and possession of burglary tools.
Two men living in an adjacent apartment, Parker Kenneth
Lloyd and Robert Foisy, both 18, were arrested on charges
of burglary and grand theft after stolen items were found in
their apartment.
Police said Foisy's car was seized when they determined
it was used to transport some of the stolen goods.
He is not getting that one back either.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bertha
Re: Virus warning
Dear Webby,
I received a warning from my internet provider about a new
thing that's going around. It was a notice to delete this
particular e-mail A.S.A.P. It's supposed to get you
connected to a Porn site. Do you know if this
really true or not? I certainly don't wan to get involved in
anything like that.
Bertha E
Dear Berta
MailWasher takes care of all of that for me.
If a copy of that was sent to me, it murdered it in the dark,
without ever showing it to me.
Any mail, that makes it through to me and is telling me to
delete this, that or the other thing, or irgently download
something, will get deleted by me personally, and instantly.
I don't waste time on stuff like that, no matter who the writer
pretends to be.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago.
I called her to see how she was doing.
My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered.
"Hey, B, how's your mama?"
"She's sleeping," he whispered again.
"Dod she go back to the doctor for a checkup?"
"Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly.
"She's doing ok."
"All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"
Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Kabobs
Put a fun and affordable spin on backyard barbecues with a
make-your-own-kabob station. Set out a variety of chopped
veggies like peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, and marinated
cubes of steak or chicken. This is a great way to stretch your
ingredients further, while your guests can customize their meal.
Source: A sign at my local grocery store
By sooz from Toronto, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful
you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I
had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down
truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once,
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong
turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you.
For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and
worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every week,
I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling,
and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud
of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they
see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his
Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying
your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger!
Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife, carrying a skateboard,
with the rear wheels worn off."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Bess for this story:
My engineer husband is meticulous but mildmannered.
While our new house was being built, he would leave notes
for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes
or oversights.
Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still
were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were
necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work
would never be completed in time.
However, on moving day, we found that the house was
ready to receive us.
Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished,
I went and checked where my husband always left his notes
for the workmen.
Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's
last note: "After December 1, all work will be supervised by
my 5 children and my very impatient wife."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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( 3 / 633 )
Monday, September 5, 2011, 09:08 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 5
Happy Labor Day!
Thanks to the help from friends I was able to order that
water heater from Sears. I chatted their support to confirm
the voltage before ordering it. Unfortunately, their support
had lied to me. After muscling it down into the basement
and installing it, I realized, they had shipped a heater of
the wrong voltage.
Now I have to rewire the basement and get a 240 Volt 30 Amp
line down to it. The water heater only needs 12 Amps, but the only
available 240 Volt breaker, that I can use, is 30 Amps.
Using 15 Amp wire protected by a 30 Amp breaker would be
stupid, and against the electrical code.
In the meantime, the new water heater does work, just with
much slower recovery times. Not a big deal. I don't normally
have more than one shower per day anyway.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's
ignorance."
--- Confucius
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
--- John Wooden
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in
your left ear ?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository ?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know why my hearing aid is not working!"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Dell Marie Hunter, 37, of 102 Liberty St., Uiontown, PA
Burglared same place twice in a row
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania woman will stand trial
on charges she burglarized the same apartment on consecutive
days to steal money she needed for her car.
A Uniontown district judge say there's enough evidence for
37-year-old Dell Marie Hunter to stand trial in the break-ins
on July 25 and 26.
The Herald-Standard of Uniontown says police believe Hunter took
money in the first burglary to get her car repaired. Authorities
say she returned the next day because she needed money for
gasoline.
Hunter has of course pleaded not guilty to the burglary charges.
Dell Marie Hunter, 37, of Uniontown PA, was charged earlier this
year with stealing $1000+ from the Lady Red Raiders Booster fund.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: BB
Re: Portrait or landscape
Dear Webby,
English is not my first language, and I have never understood
what "Landscape" and "Portrait" mean, when it comes to
printing. Can you explain please?
Thanks
BB
Dear BB
Those terms come actually from the ancient museums and
picture galleries. A pitcure with a formal portrait of a person
standing was always narrow and tall, often from floor to ceiling.
A landscape picture was always wide, but not very high.
Word processing, for example letters, is done in portrait mode.
Accounting, because there are often many columns to show,
is usually done in landscape mode. You still feed the paper
into the printer normally, you just turn it sideways to read
items, that you printed in landscape mode.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych
major then switched to English Lit.
After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international
affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.
She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Line Kitchen Cabinets with Vinyl Floor Tiles
Line your kitchen and bathroom cupboards with floor tiles.
It looks attractive and it provides easy clean-up. Apply a
cork tile to the inside of your kitchen cupboard door to
pin take-out menus, shopping lists, tips, anything really.
By sooz from Toronto, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There are two polite people having dinner together. On
the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and
one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first."
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's
not polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"
The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the
SMALL piece, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Mina for this story:
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots
as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning
and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see
you got new boots! Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said,
"Both of them!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine September day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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( 2.9 / 410 )
Restore underlined hot-keys un menus
Sunday, September 4, 2011, 09:39 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 3
Thank you very much, Virginia!
When I went to get my medicines, I expected with the beautiful
long weekend, most people would be out of town, and was quite
surprised, when the Costco parking lot was as full as if it was a
hockey stadium parking lot at play-off time.
The inside was pretty full too. They sized their isles to
accomodate their huge shopping carts, that are the size of a
British economy car, but a lot of people used the low-bed
trolleys. Their bed is big enough for a couch.
I didn't notice any splurging or frivolous shopping, and most
people seemed to have done their homework and carried
a list or laptop. They were after the bulk items. Big bags
of flour, sugar, rice, 72 roll packs of toilet paper, etc.
Shopping for the month.
In one isle I noticed what seemed to be an Amish group.
A mother figure strode ahead of them with a finger in a
book, grabbing items with her other hand and reading
ingredients and either putting them back or ordering the
rest of the group to load up so an so many boxes. It was good
to see such organization and cooperation, including the four
youngsters quietly putting their shoulders to the low-bed
trolley, like they were tug boats moving a super tanker.
Costco is definitely doing their best to earn customer loyalty.
Last month one of the sample stations had some Ramen soup.
I asked if it has MSG, and the lady apologized, that yes, it did.
I mentioned a similar product called simply "NO MSG Beef
Vegetable Soup". This time that soup was there, at an unbeatable
price. A dozen 4 servings each bowls for about $10. That
works out to 20 cents per serving, the kind of deal I go for!
Naturally, there is not a lot of beef or vegetables in it, it is mostly
noodles, but it is easy enough to add more carrots or beets
or leftovers to the very tasty soup.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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A little nonsense now and then,
is cherished by the wisest men.
--- Roald Dahl
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
--- Janet Long
One day a little girl was watching her mother as she sat
before her bedroom mirror arranging her hair. The little girl
asked her mother what she called the things she was putting
in her hair.
The mother replied: "These are waves, dear."
The little girl pondered that for a moment and then solemnly
declared: "Poor Daddy, he's all beach."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to
thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his
head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said,
"I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly
without your long hair."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of one of her orchids:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Ahmed Hasnain, 26,in Wichita, Kansas
Complaint About The Escorts he hired got him busted
A Kansas man who called police yesterday to claim that he
was robbed by two female escorts hired via an online service
later admitted that he just “wanted a refund” from the women.
Ahmed Hasnain, 26, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge in
connection with the bizarre incident at a Motel 6 in Wichita,
according to a Wichita Police Department report.
Hasnain, pictured in the above mug shot, told cops that he had
expected only one hooker to show up and “didn’t like that there
were two women.” After paying the pair $160, Hasnain decided
that he wanted his money back (a request that was rebuffed
by the hired hands).
So that’s when Hasnain called 911 at around 5 AM to lodge his
complaint. Based on his own statements, Hasnain was charged
with patronizing a prostitute.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Delores
Re: Underlined Hotkeys in menus
Dear Webby,
My dear hubby, a semi-literate mouser, somehow turned
off the underlined letters in menu choices. How do I get
them back?
Delores
Dear Delores
Right-click the Desktop,
Choose Properties,
Click the Appearance tab.
Click the Effects button
Remove the check mark from the line, "Hide Underlined Letters.."
There is one big CAUTION!
Whenever you go into Appeareances, Advanced or Effects,
Windows tries to totally re-arrange your icons.
That is probably not due to sadistic maliciousness, but just
routine sloppy programming. However, you better run
"Save My Desktop" or a similar program to preserve the way
you got your desktop icons grouped and arranged, because
Windows WILL mess that up and cause a lot of cussing.
You can get "Save My Desktop" in my Tool Box. It is free.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to
sit down and shut-up.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Deodorize Toilet With Vinegar
Deodorize your toilet bowl by allowing 3 cups white distilled
vinegar to sit in it about 30 minutes before flushing. To make
the toilet bowl sparkle, pour in a cup or more of diluted white
distilled vinegar and allow it to sit for several hours or overnight.
Scrub well with a toilet brush and flush.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said
the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized
annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means your nice gets
the job, and not I."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive
parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had
given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer
if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he
would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again,
tell him he owes you $57. Next."
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "SCREW-UP"
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( 2.9 / 424 )
Mail program slowed down after 20 years
Saturday, September 3, 2011, 08:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 3
Thank you very much, Di Anna!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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In the long run, the pessimists may be proved right,
but us optimists enjoy the trip a lot more.
--- Socratex
"People who demand neutrality in any situation are
usually not neutral but in favor of the status quo."
--- Max Eastman
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a
test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged,
and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to
be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his
rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the
Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was
supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone home.
I will be back after supper."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised
his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do
that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two
fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could
you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Amy Horman of 801 N. Main St., Lot #503, Perryville, MO
Woman got arrested for trying to sell dope to cops
We've heard of stupid criminals, but your average dumbass
has nothing on Amy R. Horman.
According to the Southeast Missourian, this rocket scientist
actually sent a sheriff's deputy a text message, asking if he'd
like to buy some dope. Naturally enough, the dude was interested
-- interested, that is, in making an arrest.
When the sheriff's office showed up, the paper reports, they
found three-fourths of a pound of marijuana, along with
all sorts of drug paraphernalia. Horman is now facing charges
of distribution of a controlled substance and unlawful use of
drug paraphernalia.
Her partner, who has the unusal name of Pandora Cowgur,
has been charged with possession of a controlled substance,
possession of up to 35 grams of marijuana and unlawful use
of drug paraphernalia, and does not look happy about it.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Minky
Re: Mail program slow
Dear Webby
My mother is a Taurus and can't get rid of anything,
except husbands. She has been using Eudora since before
I was born, and even though she has separate boxes for each
of the utilities and clients, one for each year starting in 1990,
it is getting a bit too unwieldy, especially transferring it to
a new computer. It is already much bigger, than a DVD can hold.
And I am worried, that some day it will be too big for Eudora,
and it will crash it's archive like Outlook and OE do all the time.
What do you suggest?
Minky
Dear Minky
First, don't worry about Eudora crashing before Y3K, and
even then, there is nothing really to worry about.
To make it easier to transfer, I would first weed it out, when
mom isn't watching. Do a CTRL F (find) with ALL mailboxes
selected, and search for those pharmaceuticals, that are so
popular with spammers, and at the same time also for certain
watches. It will take time to do that on twenty year's worth
of mail, but eventually it will show you a big list.
Hit CTRL A to select all, Delete and OK to dump them.
Do the same with other popular spam items.
If that does not get the Eudora folder down to the size of a
DVD, make an Eudora90 folder, and drag all the mailboxes
from the 90's into that. Then make one named Eudora00 for
the mailboxes from the last decade.
With just 2010 and 2011 to deal with, Eudora will be slim and
fast and easy to transfer. Each of those two archive folders
can be burned onto DVD, and don't even need to be transferred
from computer to computer. IF and when a mailbox from a certain
year is required, then that mailbox can easily be copied onto
the current machine.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know yet, son, I'm still paying."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recycled Boot Tray For Muddy Shoes
Use the bottom of a broken plastic laundry basket as a
boot tray for muddy shoes. Cut the broken top off and
discard. The boot tray can easily be hosed off to keep
it clean.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His
buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70
years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to
his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years
you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. " To tell you the truth, I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The new Navy Captain looked the crew over and said,
"Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up
one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys,
if it is ours, let's sell the silly old tub and retire!"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are
divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of
her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister
in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon
hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce!
Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single
thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,
"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying
their own way!"
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( 3.1 / 429 )
Friday, September 2, 2011, 09:07 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 2
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
All that work on my connection yesterday lasted until almost
5 am. I had to reboot becasue of a McAfee update, but because
the modem had gone bad, the update was bad, and the network
was blocked.
The tech from Telus brought me a new modem, but it was a
huge modem / router combo, filled with about 60 cubic inches
of Chinese air and a few little chips and wee bitty lights.
That helped me get online with the laptop, but not with the
main machine. Eventually I uninstalled McAfee, downloaded a
fresh copy into the laptop and hosed it over to the main
machine with Skype. That did the trick and I got online.
Unfortunately, the new modem/router combo trashed the office
network set-up. Since Skype is fast enough for whatever files
I have to shuffle betwen the machines, that will do fo now.
It feels a bit barbaric, but it works.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the
first step, and/or write the first word,
as soon as I get around to it.
--- Procrastinatus
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I
worked, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his
classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him
mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried
to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I
help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as
I get this kid out of his locker."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you
caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break
her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her
back to the funny-farm."
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Patricia Lynette Wright, 61, of Blenheim, NZ
Woman got arrested for picking up lost dope at the cop shop
A 61-year-old housewife was arrested when she went to the
Picton police station on August 16 to claim a bag containing
20 grams of cannabis.
Patricia Lynette Wright, of Blenheim, appeared in the
Blenheim District Court yesterday and was sentenced to six
months' supervision for possessing the drug and a pipe used
for smoking it. She was also told she must attend counselling
as directed by the Probation Service.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Graeme Single said a member
of the public found a black bag near the Interislander ferry
terminal in Picton and handed it in to police. They found 19
individual "tinnies" with about 1g of cannabis each in the bag,
along with a pipe.
A phone inside the bag began to ring and police told the male
caller that the bag was at Picton police station.
Wright came to the station to claim the bag and was arrested,
admitting the cannabis and the pipe were hers.
Judge Peter Hobbs said Wright had a history of drug
convictions.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alyssa
Re: FFA
Dear Webby
In this business seminar I am attending, a lecturer
recommended that we should take advantage of the Free For
All classified ads sites on the web and submit to them to get
more traffic. I vaguely remember you mentioning a few years
ago to stay away from those. Has that changed ?
Alyssa
Dear Alyssa
Get your money back and don't go back to those morons,
EVER. Its people like that who are giving dope a bad name!
Submitting to the FFA classifieds is one of the the most stupid
things one could possibly do. Nobody ever looks at them,
except the spammers who set them up to harvest the
addresses. They know that anybody, who is THAT dense,
will probably buy gas line magnets, instant mortgages and
all kinds of nonsense.
If you do submit, use your mother-in-law's email address,
because the addres you use on FFA classifieds goes straight
onto all the spammer CD's.
Best is to stay away as far as you can from FFA classifieds,
and from anybody who recommends them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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"Daddy," the little boy asked, "what does it mean when the
minister takes off his watch and puts it on the pulpit in front of
him when he starts his sermons?"
"Absolutely nothing," the father sighed,
"Absolutely nothing."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Pot as Hose Hanger
My husband and I went out in search of a rack for our hose.
We were reluctant to pay what was being asked, so I
suggested he use an old pot and attach it to a support beam.
It looks sorta crazy but it got the hose off the patio.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. The minister asked
my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she
said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about
their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this
cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank
goodness we can still drive!"
One day I found my five-year-old daughter, with the telephone,
which she quickly hung up when she saw me. "What were you
doing?" I asked her.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't
even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she
didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made the
call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called
her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
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Thursday, September 1, 2011, 07:12 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 1
After enough complaining a Telus tech showed up today.
He replaced the ligning arrestor, the splitter, it is now
Eh! DSL instead of ADSL, "That's a Canadian thing."
Well, instead of the black ADSL splitter, I now have a white
ADSL2+ splitter.
We also replaced the thick, shielded brown Station Z cable
from the splitter in the basement to my desk with some white
cable, that has thinner gauge wires in it.
He also gave the modem a stern look and threatened it with
replacement.
A couple hours before he showed up, Telus had reduced their
nominal speed at their side from 10 to 8, and the nuisance sync
problems had disappeared.
Nobody knows which of the many actions did the trick, but now
I have fairly steady 8 Mbps download and 0.4 Mbps upload,
and no sync problems. I stay connected. That is the most
important part for me.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
--- Honore de Balzac
A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any
of its members.
--- David Coblitz
A senate can make decisions,
that are dumber than any of it's committees.
--- Socratex
Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked,
"What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless
idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor,
"Can you prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Irving shouted out, "She did, too!"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the
pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions
to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little
Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the
pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking
at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual
food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's
mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with
broccoli."
Thanks to Betty for this picture of her Tiger Lily:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Michael Andes, 29 in Bridgeport, Conn
Man called cops on self over parking spot
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (UPI) -- Police in Connecticut said they
arrested a man who reported himself for parking illegally in a
handicapped spot, then allegedly became aggressive with
officers.
Bridgeport police said Michael Andes, 29, called police
about 2 a.m. Thursday and told them he had "purposely parked
his vehicle" in a handicapped spot on Howe Avenue despite not
having a handicapped parking permit, the Connecticut Post,
Bridgeport, reported Friday.
Police Lt. Robert Kozlowsky said officers located the car and
Andes told them the police "aren't doing their job."
"Officers attempted to detain him, but he pulled away and took an
aggressive stance at the officers," the spokesman said.
Kozlowsky said Andes did not comply with orders from officers,
who then used a stun gun on him and taser him for a while..
Andes was charged with second-degree breach of peace and
interfering with a police officer.
He was also given an infraction ticket for parking in a handicap
space without a permit, the next day, by a Parking Bylaw Officer,
and had his car towed to the impond.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Frank
Re: Anti-Virus for Mac
Dear Webby,
I have a friend that is a 'Mac' user and as such is very
limited on virus protection.
Recently a few people from his address book have been
getting spam from him but not everyone. I for one got a
couple but none recently but others have as recently
as this morning. Again, not I.
Is there any program that you are aware of that, in your
opinion' would work on a 'Mac' to help with his problem?
Frank
Dear Frank
McAfee has a Mac version.
Just tell him to visit http://webby.com/humor
and half way down the left side margin, he can get
McAfee at a $40 discount.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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A protestant moved into a completely Catholic comunity. Being
good Catholics they welcomed him into their comunity. But, also
because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on
Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy
steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next
Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water
on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their
fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from
the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic
because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When
they saw him, he was sprinkling pepper on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are a fish.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Scrubs as Pajamas
Medical scrubs make very comfortable, cheap pajamas. They
are available in a variety of colors and styles (including large
sizes if required). I got mine from RMF Scrubs.
By Verity from Norfolk, UK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard
time walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter
and says, "Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher
is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.
"Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a
turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one!"
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what's left."
He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's
only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show
the man.
"That one's too skinny. What else have you got?"
he says. The butcher takes the bird back, waits a
few minutes in the freezer, and then brings the same
turkey back out to the man.
"Oh no, he says,"that one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them.
"Periodic Elements"
Valuable scientific data. Two proposed new additions to the
periodic table (from Chemistry class)elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier
specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out
of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to
find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it
can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child)for prolonged
period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good
specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011, 07:04 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, Aug 31
The British media, once the noisiest whiners about Gullible
Warming, are now complaining about cold summers.
Metro UK Aug 30/11
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"Character is easier kept than recovered."
--- English Proverb
"Would you want to do business with a person
who was 99% honest?"
--- Sydney Madwed
Sign seen in an animal shelter: "All children left unattended
will be given a free kitten."
In another one:
Re your lost kid: If there are no remains in the alligator
pen, wait 24 hours.
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when
my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time
at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do
you do?"
As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."
Thanks to Betty for this picture of her yucca:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Christopher Parker, 24 from Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Farm Boy in the city
"I am a dumbass white boy from Wisconsin."
That’s the best Christopher Parker, 24, could offer Chicago cops
Wednesday morning after he was pulled over during a traffic
stop and officers found a handgun, a stack of cash, and a load of
marijuana in his SUV.
Parker, pictured in the mug shot at right, allegedly offered police
$100,000 if they would let him go, according to a police report.
"I know that’s more than your salary," he said, adding,
"Take the car, take the money. I don't care. Just let me walk, bro.
Please let me go."
Along with describing himself as a “dumbass,” the Eau Claire
resident noted that, "I watch ‘Gangland,’ and I came to the South
Side of Chicago to act like a big baller. I borrowed a gun from a
friend for protection, and I was scared to be driving down here.
I’m on vacation with my family and I have the gun because my
girlfriend is scared, too."
[“Gangland” is a History Channel series that focuses on criminal
organizations across the United States.]
Along with gun and drug counts, Parker was charged with trying
to bribe a cop. He is being held in the Cook County jail in lieu of
$90,000 bail.
Considering that gun related fatalities are six times higher
in Chicago than in Afghanistan, he was lucky to get caught
early in his silly game.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Kim
Re: Filter Tips
Dear Webby,
How about some more filter tips ? That ISO filter works great.
Like you suggested with new filters, I kept it red and visible
for a month, and there was not a single false alarm, but it caught
10 or more spams every day. I put it on auto-delete now.
Now I need something for all the spams that just have pictures
and randowm text.
Thanks
Kim
Dear Kim
I catch those by filtering for "font color=white"
OR "font color=#FFFFFF"
That even nabs those PayPal scam-spams.
Without the quote marks.
It might also get the odd Christmas Cheer letter from your
mother-in-law with white text on green background, but if
you keep an eye on the filter for a month, you should be able
to spot and rescue those (if you want '-)
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.
The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the
bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't
listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area.
The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man
sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man
already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and
doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off.
The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at
the other man and says
"You think that's bad,
I'm just here to fix the air conditioner."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Flavored Drinks with Soda Water
Use carbonated spring water, which is available cheaply
from chains like Asda (Walmart in US), to make up orangeade,
lemonade, etc. This enables you to have a wide choice of fizzy
drinks without either buying big bottles of pop which go flat quickly,
or individual cans/bottles which cost more.
By Verity Eileen from Norfolk, UK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
It is easy to make better than bought Ginger Ale
and Root Beer. Lots of good recipes on the net. If you have
berry or fruit syrup, it is eaven easier. You can use a bit of
yeast to produce the carbonation, or a CO2 kit.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,
shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living
room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math,
and 20 in science."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The anniversary party had turned into a marathon with
numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked
on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he
was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there
happily for about an hour before a strange light dawned on
his face.
"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited
to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of
your guests' cars are blocking my driveway. My wife's been
sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing
his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.
He greeted her with a hug and a kiss and several squeezes,
and gave her some more when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented:
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
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Tuesday, August 30, 2011, 10:09 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 29
Bertha wrote:
the thrill is not the same for anything . LOL
btw there was a reason for the cold showers in those days........lol
Bertha
we made out ok with God's help with hurricane irene,
here in New Bedford
Bertha
Solar shower are NOT cold! The challenge is the oposite.
Even though the outside of the bag feels OK, the center is
usually as hot as the center of a microwaved jelly filled donut.
YIPE!!!!
The trick is to use two or more black bags for heating up the
water, mixing them and a bucket of cold water in a plastic
garbage pail, that has a shut-off valve and the shower hose
glued into it. That way you carry only one bag or bucket
at a time up the ladder, can mix the water to ust perfect
temperature, climb down the ladder and into the shower,
and then turn it on for a nice, long, luxurious shower.
Somehow, if you have only ice cold creek or lake water all
day, you tend to use a lot more hot water in the shower in
the evening, especially when it is free.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control
of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
--- Pat Paulsen
Those men who can eat anything they want
and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.
--- Socrata
Men hate self-service. It's always so damn bad ...
and slow too.
--- Socratex
Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband,
"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't notice," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs.
Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the
proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of
good it does you to go to church!"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Jerry was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first
day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake
and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will
be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how to do it."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her ginger:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Elizabeth Genevieve Null, 20, in Nevada, California
Shoplifter fills out her name and address
PENN VALLEY, Calif. -- A young woman caught on video stealing
more than $300 in merchandise from a garden supply store may
have never been identified if she hadn't pushed her luck by filling
out a raffle ticket.
"A little on the not-bright side, absolutely," said Doug Jones,
co-owner of Anything Green Hydroponics in Penn Valley, Calif.
Surveillance video of Friday's incident shows the young woman
entering the store at 9:30 a.m. and browsing for about a half hour.
The accused shoplifter is occasionally seen ducking down
between shelves and stuffing items into her handbag.
"She had a plan," said store co-owner Shela Claar, who said
the woman actually left the store once to allegedly empty the
handbag in her car before returning for more.
The store owners were unaware they had been ripped off until
later in the day when they noticed some expensive plant nutrients
and other chemicals were missing.
Claar reviewed the video and was stunned as she watched the
shoplifter at work.
"We had never seen her before," Claar said.
The woman in the video might have remained anonymous if she
had simply left the store without taking up the offer to enter a
raffle for a promotional giveaway next month.
"She (gave us) her name, her phone number, her address.
Brilliant," Claar said.
The raffle ticket led a Nevada (Calif.) County sheriff's deputy
directly to Elizabeth Genevieve Null, 20, who was arrested for
misdemeanor shoplifting and felony possession of stolen property.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jenn
Re: Spam Filters
Dear Webby,
I finally took your advice and downloaded Mailwasher. Can you
suggest some filters for spam? I already set up the Cyrillic
filter, but wonder if you have any more suggestions. Also,
how do I keep it from bouncing legitimate mail I get from the
various lists that I'm on (including yours)?
Do I have to make sure to get them all on my friends list?
Jenn
Dear Jenn
For making filters just make them as spam comes in.
They are really easy to make, and a very rewarding type of fun.
When you see spam, look for things different spams have in
common. A typically common word is "enlarge", and that also is
part of enlargement.
Hit CTRL F7, the Filter editor opens, make a filter that reacts to
that word, deletes it and hides it.
The same for "Prescript", and so on. No need to use the full
words, just the common parts of them.
With newsletters, make GOOD filters for them. That is more
precise than to just add them to the friends list.
Simply mark them as legitimate.
Just add filters as required by the type of spam YOU get.
The reward is when you open up in the morning and read in the
status line:
412 emails hidden,
and then gleefully pounce on the "PROCESS" button.
The only better way to start the day is not a family safe topic '-)
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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From Elaine
Dear Webby, you had a joke once about a minister using a quote,
that mentions "woman, who was not my wife". Can you please
find it again and send it again?
Thanks, Elaine
Sure, Elaine. Here it is:
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in
training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational
speakers. One such boldly approached the podium and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who wasn't my wife."
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that
woman was my mother." The crowed burst into laugher and he
gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later, one of the ministers, who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse
the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy for him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest
years in my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was
not my wife!"
His congregation gasped. After standing there for almost 10
seconds trying to remember the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she
was!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Lubricate Nails Before Hammering into Hard Woods
To drive nails into hard wood without bending them,
try dipping the points into lard or other grease. You can
accomplish the same end by moistening the points of the
nails in a can of water.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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Waxing eloquent on the dangers of sinning, one dynamic young
preacher boomed to the congregation from the pulpit, "Brothers
and sisters, if there are any among you who have sinned and
are unrepentant, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your
mouf!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD
printed on all of them.
She was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't
figure it out, so she asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the
letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to
inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to
imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
Cassie thought a moment and then replied,
"Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of
these caps."
Did you ever see the customers in health-food store?
They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.
In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people.
They're dying, of course, but they look terrific!
--- Bill Cosby.
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UV protective glass for prints?
Monday, August 29, 2011, 08:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 29
The weather is cooperating quite nicely with my solar shower.
It's not the same thrill as when I was in my twenties, but
it is no hassle at all.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"In my house I'm the boss,
my wife is just the decision maker."
--- Woody Allen
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and
some willing to let them.
--- Socratex
"Chaperones, even in their days of glory,
were almost never able to enforce morality;
what they did was to force immorality to
be discreet. This is no small contribution."
--- Judith Martin
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe
exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's
the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right,
and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf. What could have
gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled.
"Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents worth of ground beef '..."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the
plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not
fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down
the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says,
"Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."
Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman
doesn't need a seatbelt."
"Well," the flight attendant said, "maybe THAT is the reason
Superman is not allowed to fly with WestJet?
BUCKLE UP or get offa my plane!"
Click trhough for the big picture.
First Flight Assistance
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the cops in Manayunk, PA
Arrested for rafting
PHILADELPHIA (CBS) – Row, row, row your boat, just not down
Main Street in Manayunk. That’s the message police are sending
after arresting two men who used a raft as an alternate means of
transportation down a flooded street Sunday morning.
CBS 3 reporter Dray Clark caught up with Pete and Pat, best friends
and roommates from Manayunk, who paddled their way down the
water covered street.
“I thought, Main Street floods a lot, let's go get a raft and float down,”
said Pat, who admitted the idea was his.
“We thought it would be a good time and it turns out it is,” said Pete.
Minutes later, Philadelphia police stopped the men and hauled
them away in handcuffs.
When Dray asked why the men were being arrested, he said the
officers replied, “for lack of common sense.”
The arrest serves as a message to residents in flood affected
areas – this is serious situation and safety should be top of
everyone’s mind.
--------------
As someone, who has rafted well over 10,000 miles in my life,
I find it totally ridiculous and boneheaded to arrest people for
rafting in water, that would barely come up to their belly button,
if they sat on the street beside their boat.
Sure, theoretically, they are supposed to have life jackets,
if the water is more than knee deep, and a fine or a warning
might be appropriate, but not an arrest!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Doris
Re: UV-filter glass for pictures
Dear Webby,
I read that printed pictures should be behind
UV-protective glass if displayed on a an inside wall.
Is that true and where would I get that kind of glass ?
Doris
Dear Doris
No, that's just a silly myth. No UltraViolet goes
through regluar glass. Most windows nowadays are
double or triple pane. In addition to that, by the time
the sun is so low that it shines through a window and
strikes the opposite wall at normal picture height, it is
so low down on the horizon that the sunlight has gone
horizontally through an awful lot of air. On top of that,
the high energy parts of the UV spectrum don't reflect
very well. By the time the light has gone horizontally
through the nowadays fairly polluted atmosphere,
two panes in the window and one pane on the picture,
I doubt you could even detect any UV any more.
Just use regular non-reflective picture glass.
A lot more important is to stop oxidation. The easiest
way to do that is to spray the picture with archive
spray or a semigloss or matte wood varnish. Lay it
flat on some scap plywood, pin the corners to prevent
curling, then spray it lightly, let it dry and spray again.
Then do the same for the back side the next day.
The wood varnish will prevent oxygen from getting to
the paper.
Ink selection of course is also very important. If you
want to guard against fading, don't buy ink at a
department store or computer store. Quite often those
places carry counterfeit inks in authentic looking boxes,
often without even knowing it. Or so they claim.
Your best bet for inks is from the big ink makers and
sellers like Atlantic Inkjet .com.
There you can get a quart jug of ink for less than what
many department stores charge for a counterfeit cartridge.
And their toner is defiitely top quality!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and al Qaeda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck
Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, and Cooter are being sent
in with their coon dogs and these instructions:
1. The limit is two Taliban.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They talk to game wardens.
4. You don't have to bag and haul your kill.
5. Avoid local guides, they will blow up your helicopter.
That should just about do it!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Your Dehumidifier's Water
I've always hated to throw away the water I accumulate daily
in my dehumidifier. I water outdoor plants with it. I'm sure
my neighbors think I have a strange watering can, but I think
this is the best way to recycle this free water.
By morsel81 from Concord, NH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call
the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself.
"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it
to school today because she is ill."
Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"
"This is my mother."
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty
so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something
to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served
him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running
around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him
a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this
friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly.
That's his bowl you're using."
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