Tuesday, September 6, 2011, 08:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, September 6
Firefox 3.6 crashed twice on me today. Most likely the still
a bit flakey connection to Telus had a lot to do with that.
At any rate, I decided to try the newest FireFox, 6.01.
I am happy to say, it updated without any hassle at all,
re-used all my settings and add-ons, even the colored tabs,
and RoboForm was working instantly. I don't like the location
of the HOME button way over on the right side, but I imagine
enough people will complain about that in the Feedback,
so that thyey will move it, Reload, Back and Forward to top
and center, where they are most useful. They are usually
quite responsive.
The rest of 6.01 seems perfect. It is fast, and deals with
connectivity issues quite gracefully.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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I say that a man must be certain of his morality
for the simple reason, that he has to suffer for it.
--- G. K. Chesterton
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
--- Mark Twain
----------
hmmm, maybe I should try that!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said,"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your
fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."
Click through for the big picture.
Lone Eagle, Colorado
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Michael Tyler Assad, 19 in Eustis, Florida
Bike tracks led to burglars
EUSTIS, Fla., Sept. 3 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said dirty
tracks from a pair of motorized bicycles led them from the
scene of a burglary to the apartment where they arrested
three suspects.
Eustis police said an estimated $3,800 worth of merchandise,
including a television, a laptop computer and the motorized
bikes, were stolen from the Windhorse Wellness Center
about 5:12 a.m. Thursday and police followed the tire tracks
about 600 yards to the apartment of former center worker
Michael Tyler Assad, 19, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported
Friday.
Assad was charged with burglary, grand theft, criminal
mischief and possession of burglary tools.
Two men living in an adjacent apartment, Parker Kenneth
Lloyd and Robert Foisy, both 18, were arrested on charges
of burglary and grand theft after stolen items were found in
their apartment.
Police said Foisy's car was seized when they determined
it was used to transport some of the stolen goods.
He is not getting that one back either.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bertha
Re: Virus warning
Dear Webby,
I received a warning from my internet provider about a new
thing that's going around. It was a notice to delete this
particular e-mail A.S.A.P. It's supposed to get you
connected to a Porn site. Do you know if this
really true or not? I certainly don't wan to get involved in
anything like that.
Bertha E
Dear Berta
MailWasher takes care of all of that for me.
If a copy of that was sent to me, it murdered it in the dark,
without ever showing it to me.
Any mail, that makes it through to me and is telling me to
delete this, that or the other thing, or irgently download
something, will get deleted by me personally, and instantly.
I don't waste time on stuff like that, no matter who the writer
pretends to be.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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My sister Tammy went through knee surgery a few weeks ago.
I called her to see how she was doing.
My nephew Bryan answered the phone. "Hello?" he whispered.
"Hey, B, how's your mama?"
"She's sleeping," he whispered again.
"Dod she go back to the doctor for a checkup?"
"Yeah. She got some medicine," he said softly.
"She's doing ok."
"All right. Don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are
you doing, by the way?"
Again, softly, "Practicing on my drums."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Your Own Kabobs
Put a fun and affordable spin on backyard barbecues with a
make-your-own-kabob station. Set out a variety of chopped
veggies like peppers, zucchini, mushrooms, and marinated
cubes of steak or chicken. This is a great way to stretch your
ingredients further, while your guests can customize their meal.
Source: A sign at my local grocery store
By sooz from Toronto, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful
you were to your wives on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I
had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down
truck that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once,
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong
turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you.
For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and
worshipped my wife. I brought her roses every week,
I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling,
and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud
of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they
see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his
Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying
your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger!
Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just saw my wife, carrying a skateboard,
with the rear wheels worn off."
 Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Bess for this story:
My engineer husband is meticulous but mildmannered.
While our new house was being built, he would leave notes
for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes
or oversights.
Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still
were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were
necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work
would never be completed in time.
However, on moving day, we found that the house was
ready to receive us.
Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished,
I went and checked where my husband always left his notes
for the workmen.
Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's
last note: "After December 1, all work will be supervised by
my 5 children and my very impatient wife."
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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Monday, September 5, 2011, 09:08 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, September 5
Happy Labor Day!
Thanks to the help from friends I was able to order that
water heater from Sears. I chatted their support to confirm
the voltage before ordering it. Unfortunately, their support
had lied to me. After muscling it down into the basement
and installing it, I realized, they had shipped a heater of
the wrong voltage.
Now I have to rewire the basement and get a 240 Volt 30 Amp
line down to it. The water heater only needs 12 Amps, but the only
available 240 Volt breaker, that I can use, is 30 Amps.
Using 15 Amp wire protected by a 30 Amp breaker would be
stupid, and against the electrical code.
In the meantime, the new water heater does work, just with
much slower recovery times. Not a big deal. I don't normally
have more than one shower per day anyway.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's
ignorance."
--- Confucius
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
--- John Wooden
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.
"Am I glad to see you," he said, "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
Cellulite Redux - Not Weight Loss, Not a Gym Routine,
No pills and No snake-oils, get the Real INFO on
Cellulite Reduction
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and
she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in
your left ear ?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository ?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know why my hearing aid is not working!"
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Dell Marie Hunter, 37, of 102 Liberty St., Uiontown, PA
Burglared same place twice in a row
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania woman will stand trial
on charges she burglarized the same apartment on consecutive
days to steal money she needed for her car.
A Uniontown district judge say there's enough evidence for
37-year-old Dell Marie Hunter to stand trial in the break-ins
on July 25 and 26.
The Herald-Standard of Uniontown says police believe Hunter took
money in the first burglary to get her car repaired. Authorities
say she returned the next day because she needed money for
gasoline.
Hunter has of course pleaded not guilty to the burglary charges.
Dell Marie Hunter, 37, of Uniontown PA, was charged earlier this
year with stealing $1000+ from the Lady Red Raiders Booster fund.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: BB
Re: Portrait or landscape
Dear Webby,
English is not my first language, and I have never understood
what "Landscape" and "Portrait" mean, when it comes to
printing. Can you explain please?
Thanks
BB
Dear BB
Those terms come actually from the ancient museums and
picture galleries. A pitcure with a formal portrait of a person
standing was always narrow and tall, often from floor to ceiling.
A landscape picture was always wide, but not very high.
Word processing, for example letters, is done in portrait mode.
Accounting, because there are often many columns to show,
is usually done in landscape mode. You still feed the paper
into the printer normally, you just turn it sideways to read
items, that you printed in landscape mode.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A friend of mine has a daughter who started out as a psych
major then switched to English Lit.
After that, she tried pre-law, which was followed by international
affairs, history, and at present, she's in philosophy.
She may never graduate, but she's unbeatable at Trivial Pursuit.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Line Kitchen Cabinets with Vinyl Floor Tiles
Line your kitchen and bathroom cupboards with floor tiles.
It looks attractive and it provides easy clean-up. Apply a
cork tile to the inside of your kitchen cupboard door to
pin take-out menus, shopping lists, tips, anything really.
By sooz from Toronto, ON
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There are two polite people having dinner together. On
the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and
one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first."
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's
not polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"
The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the
SMALL piece, of course."
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Mina for this story:
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots
as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning
and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see
you got new boots! Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said,
"Both of them!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine September day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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Restore underlined hot-keys un menus
Sunday, September 4, 2011, 09:39 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 3
Thank you very much, Virginia!
When I went to get my medicines, I expected with the beautiful
long weekend, most people would be out of town, and was quite
surprised, when the Costco parking lot was as full as if it was a
hockey stadium parking lot at play-off time.
The inside was pretty full too. They sized their isles to
accomodate their huge shopping carts, that are the size of a
British economy car, but a lot of people used the low-bed
trolleys. Their bed is big enough for a couch.
I didn't notice any splurging or frivolous shopping, and most
people seemed to have done their homework and carried
a list or laptop. They were after the bulk items. Big bags
of flour, sugar, rice, 72 roll packs of toilet paper, etc.
Shopping for the month.
In one isle I noticed what seemed to be an Amish group.
A mother figure strode ahead of them with a finger in a
book, grabbing items with her other hand and reading
ingredients and either putting them back or ordering the
rest of the group to load up so an so many boxes. It was good
to see such organization and cooperation, including the four
youngsters quietly putting their shoulders to the low-bed
trolley, like they were tug boats moving a super tanker.
Costco is definitely doing their best to earn customer loyalty.
Last month one of the sample stations had some Ramen soup.
I asked if it has MSG, and the lady apologized, that yes, it did.
I mentioned a similar product called simply "NO MSG Beef
Vegetable Soup". This time that soup was there, at an unbeatable
price. A dozen 4 servings each bowls for about $10. That
works out to 20 cents per serving, the kind of deal I go for!
Naturally, there is not a lot of beef or vegetables in it, it is mostly
noodles, but it is easy enough to add more carrots or beets
or leftovers to the very tasty soup.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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A little nonsense now and then,
is cherished by the wisest men.
--- Roald Dahl
Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy.
--- Janet Long
One day a little girl was watching her mother as she sat
before her bedroom mirror arranging her hair. The little girl
asked her mother what she called the things she was putting
in her hair.
The mother replied: "These are waves, dear."
The little girl pondered that for a moment and then solemnly
declared: "Poor Daddy, he's all beach."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to
thinking about things.
"Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his
head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and said,
"I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly
without your long hair."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of one of her orchids:
Click through for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Ahmed Hasnain, 26,in Wichita, Kansas
Complaint About The Escorts he hired got him busted
A Kansas man who called police yesterday to claim that he
was robbed by two female escorts hired via an online service
later admitted that he just “wanted a refund” from the women.
Ahmed Hasnain, 26, was arrested on a misdemeanor charge in
connection with the bizarre incident at a Motel 6 in Wichita,
according to a Wichita Police Department report.
Hasnain, pictured in the above mug shot, told cops that he had
expected only one hooker to show up and “didn’t like that there
were two women.” After paying the pair $160, Hasnain decided
that he wanted his money back (a request that was rebuffed
by the hired hands).
So that’s when Hasnain called 911 at around 5 AM to lodge his
complaint. Based on his own statements, Hasnain was charged
with patronizing a prostitute.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Delores
Re: Underlined Hotkeys in menus
Dear Webby,
My dear hubby, a semi-literate mouser, somehow turned
off the underlined letters in menu choices. How do I get
them back?
Delores
Dear Delores
Right-click the Desktop,
Choose Properties,
Click the Appearance tab.
Click the Effects button
Remove the check mark from the line, "Hide Underlined Letters.."
There is one big CAUTION!
Whenever you go into Appeareances, Advanced or Effects,
Windows tries to totally re-arrange your icons.
That is probably not due to sadistic maliciousness, but just
routine sloppy programming. However, you better run
"Save My Desktop" or a similar program to preserve the way
you got your desktop icons grouped and arranged, because
Windows WILL mess that up and cause a lot of cussing.
You can get "Save My Desktop" in my Tool Box. It is free.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to
sit down and shut-up.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Deodorize Toilet With Vinegar
Deodorize your toilet bowl by allowing 3 cups white distilled
vinegar to sit in it about 30 minutes before flushing. To make
the toilet bowl sparkle, pour in a cup or more of diluted white
distilled vinegar and allow it to sit for several hours or overnight.
Scrub well with a toilet brush and flush.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said
the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized
annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means your nice gets
the job, and not I."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive
parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had
given his OK for the man to park there.
The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer
if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he
would.
The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again,
tell him he owes you $57. Next."
If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "SCREW-UP"
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Mail program slowed down after 20 years
Saturday, September 3, 2011, 08:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, September 3
Thank you very much, Di Anna!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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In the long run, the pessimists may be proved right,
but us optimists enjoy the trip a lot more.
--- Socratex
"People who demand neutrality in any situation are
usually not neutral but in favor of the status quo."
--- Max Eastman
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a
test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged,
and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to
be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his
rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the
Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was
supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note:
"Have bled to death and gone home.
I will be back after supper."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised
his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do
that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two
fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could
you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Amy Horman of 801 N. Main St., Lot #503, Perryville, MO
Woman got arrested for trying to sell dope to cops
We've heard of stupid criminals, but your average dumbass
has nothing on Amy R. Horman.
According to the Southeast Missourian, this rocket scientist
actually sent a sheriff's deputy a text message, asking if he'd
like to buy some dope. Naturally enough, the dude was interested
-- interested, that is, in making an arrest.
When the sheriff's office showed up, the paper reports, they
found three-fourths of a pound of marijuana, along with
all sorts of drug paraphernalia. Horman is now facing charges
of distribution of a controlled substance and unlawful use of
drug paraphernalia.
Her partner, who has the unusal name of Pandora Cowgur,
has been charged with possession of a controlled substance,
possession of up to 35 grams of marijuana and unlawful use
of drug paraphernalia, and does not look happy about it.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Minky
Re: Mail program slow
Dear Webby
My mother is a Taurus and can't get rid of anything,
except husbands. She has been using Eudora since before
I was born, and even though she has separate boxes for each
of the utilities and clients, one for each year starting in 1990,
it is getting a bit too unwieldy, especially transferring it to
a new computer. It is already much bigger, than a DVD can hold.
And I am worried, that some day it will be too big for Eudora,
and it will crash it's archive like Outlook and OE do all the time.
What do you suggest?
Minky
Dear Minky
First, don't worry about Eudora crashing before Y3K, and
even then, there is nothing really to worry about.
To make it easier to transfer, I would first weed it out, when
mom isn't watching. Do a CTRL F (find) with ALL mailboxes
selected, and search for those pharmaceuticals, that are so
popular with spammers, and at the same time also for certain
watches. It will take time to do that on twenty year's worth
of mail, but eventually it will show you a big list.
Hit CTRL A to select all, Delete and OK to dump them.
Do the same with other popular spam items.
If that does not get the Eudora folder down to the size of a
DVD, make an Eudora90 folder, and drag all the mailboxes
from the 90's into that. Then make one named Eudora00 for
the mailboxes from the last decade.
With just 2010 and 2011 to deal with, Eudora will be slim and
fast and easy to transfer. Each of those two archive folders
can be burned onto DVD, and don't even need to be transferred
from computer to computer. IF and when a mailbox from a certain
year is required, then that mailbox can easily be copied onto
the current machine.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know yet, son, I'm still paying."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Recycled Boot Tray For Muddy Shoes
Use the bottom of a broken plastic laundry basket as a
boot tray for muddy shoes. Cut the broken top off and
discard. The boot tray can easily be hosed off to keep
it clean.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His
buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms,
calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70
years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to
his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years
you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. " To tell you the truth, I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The new Navy Captain looked the crew over and said,
"Men before anything more is said, I would like to clear up
one thing. This isn't MY ship, this is YOUR ship."
From deep in the ranks came a voice: "Great! Hey guys,
if it is ours, let's sell the silly old tub and retire!"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are
divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of
her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister
in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon
hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce!
Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single
thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says,
"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying
their own way!"
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Friday, September 2, 2011, 09:07 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, September 2
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
All that work on my connection yesterday lasted until almost
5 am. I had to reboot becasue of a McAfee update, but because
the modem had gone bad, the update was bad, and the network
was blocked.
The tech from Telus brought me a new modem, but it was a
huge modem / router combo, filled with about 60 cubic inches
of Chinese air and a few little chips and wee bitty lights.
That helped me get online with the laptop, but not with the
main machine. Eventually I uninstalled McAfee, downloaded a
fresh copy into the laptop and hosed it over to the main
machine with Skype. That did the trick and I got online.
Unfortunately, the new modem/router combo trashed the office
network set-up. Since Skype is fast enough for whatever files
I have to shuffle betwen the machines, that will do fo now.
It feels a bit barbaric, but it works.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the
first step, and/or write the first word,
as soon as I get around to it.
--- Procrastinatus
Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I
worked, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his
classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him
mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"
Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried
to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I
help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as
I get this kid out of his locker."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you
caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over. "Let's see; I'd break
her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her
back to the funny-farm."
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Patricia Lynette Wright, 61, of Blenheim, NZ
Woman got arrested for picking up lost dope at the cop shop
A 61-year-old housewife was arrested when she went to the
Picton police station on August 16 to claim a bag containing
20 grams of cannabis.
Patricia Lynette Wright, of Blenheim, appeared in the
Blenheim District Court yesterday and was sentenced to six
months' supervision for possessing the drug and a pipe used
for smoking it. She was also told she must attend counselling
as directed by the Probation Service.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Graeme Single said a member
of the public found a black bag near the Interislander ferry
terminal in Picton and handed it in to police. They found 19
individual "tinnies" with about 1g of cannabis each in the bag,
along with a pipe.
A phone inside the bag began to ring and police told the male
caller that the bag was at Picton police station.
Wright came to the station to claim the bag and was arrested,
admitting the cannabis and the pipe were hers.
Judge Peter Hobbs said Wright had a history of drug
convictions.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Alyssa
Re: FFA
Dear Webby
In this business seminar I am attending, a lecturer
recommended that we should take advantage of the Free For
All classified ads sites on the web and submit to them to get
more traffic. I vaguely remember you mentioning a few years
ago to stay away from those. Has that changed ?
Alyssa
Dear Alyssa
Get your money back and don't go back to those morons,
EVER. Its people like that who are giving dope a bad name!
Submitting to the FFA classifieds is one of the the most stupid
things one could possibly do. Nobody ever looks at them,
except the spammers who set them up to harvest the
addresses. They know that anybody, who is THAT dense,
will probably buy gas line magnets, instant mortgages and
all kinds of nonsense.
If you do submit, use your mother-in-law's email address,
because the addres you use on FFA classifieds goes straight
onto all the spammer CD's.
Best is to stay away as far as you can from FFA classifieds,
and from anybody who recommends them.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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"Daddy," the little boy asked, "what does it mean when the
minister takes off his watch and puts it on the pulpit in front of
him when he starts his sermons?"
"Absolutely nothing," the father sighed,
"Absolutely nothing."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Pot as Hose Hanger
My husband and I went out in search of a rack for our hose.
We were reluctant to pay what was being asked, so I
suggested he use an old pot and attach it to a support beam.
It looks sorta crazy but it got the hose off the patio.
By MartyD from Houston, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. The minister asked
my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she
said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about
their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this
cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee,"
replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old
man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank
goodness we can still drive!"
One day I found my five-year-old daughter, with the telephone,
which she quickly hung up when she saw me. "What were you
doing?" I asked her.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah ?" I asked. "You don't
even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she
didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made the
call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called
her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
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Thursday, September 1, 2011, 07:12 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, September 1
After enough complaining a Telus tech showed up today.
He replaced the ligning arrestor, the splitter, it is now
Eh! DSL instead of ADSL, "That's a Canadian thing."
Well, instead of the black ADSL splitter, I now have a white
ADSL2+ splitter.
We also replaced the thick, shielded brown Station Z cable
from the splitter in the basement to my desk with some white
cable, that has thinner gauge wires in it.
He also gave the modem a stern look and threatened it with
replacement.
A couple hours before he showed up, Telus had reduced their
nominal speed at their side from 10 to 8, and the nuisance sync
problems had disappeared.
Nobody knows which of the many actions did the trick, but now
I have fairly steady 8 Mbps download and 0.4 Mbps upload,
and no sync problems. I stay connected. That is the most
important part for me.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
--- Honore de Balzac
A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any
of its members.
--- David Coblitz
A senate can make decisions,
that are dumber than any of it's committees.
--- Socratex
Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked,
"What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless
idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor,
"Can you prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Irving shouted out, "She did, too!"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the
pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions
to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little
Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?"
Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the
pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking
at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual
food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's
mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle.
As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with
broccoli."
Thanks to Betty for this picture of her Tiger Lily:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Michael Andes, 29 in Bridgeport, Conn
Man called cops on self over parking spot
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. (UPI) -- Police in Connecticut said they
arrested a man who reported himself for parking illegally in a
handicapped spot, then allegedly became aggressive with
officers.
Bridgeport police said Michael Andes, 29, called police
about 2 a.m. Thursday and told them he had "purposely parked
his vehicle" in a handicapped spot on Howe Avenue despite not
having a handicapped parking permit, the Connecticut Post,
Bridgeport, reported Friday.
Police Lt. Robert Kozlowsky said officers located the car and
Andes told them the police "aren't doing their job."
"Officers attempted to detain him, but he pulled away and took an
aggressive stance at the officers," the spokesman said.
Kozlowsky said Andes did not comply with orders from officers,
who then used a stun gun on him and taser him for a while..
Andes was charged with second-degree breach of peace and
interfering with a police officer.
He was also given an infraction ticket for parking in a handicap
space without a permit, the next day, by a Parking Bylaw Officer,
and had his car towed to the impond.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Frank
Re: Anti-Virus for Mac
Dear Webby,
I have a friend that is a 'Mac' user and as such is very
limited on virus protection.
Recently a few people from his address book have been
getting spam from him but not everyone. I for one got a
couple but none recently but others have as recently
as this morning. Again, not I.
Is there any program that you are aware of that, in your
opinion' would work on a 'Mac' to help with his problem?
Frank
Dear Frank
McAfee has a Mac version.
Just tell him to visit http://webby.com/humor
and half way down the left side margin, he can get
McAfee at a $40 discount.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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A protestant moved into a completely Catholic comunity. Being
good Catholics they welcomed him into their comunity. But, also
because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on
Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy
steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it.
After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next
Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water
on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their
fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from
the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic
because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When
they saw him, he was sprinkling pepper on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are a fish.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Scrubs as Pajamas
Medical scrubs make very comfortable, cheap pajamas. They
are available in a variety of colors and styles (including large
sizes if required). I got mine from RMF Scrubs.
By Verity from Norfolk, UK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard
time walking. He is hunched over. He goes up to the counter
and says, "Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher
is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.
"Please let me in," says the man. "I forgot to buy a
turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home
with one!"
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what's left."
He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's
only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show
the man.
"That one's too skinny. What else have you got?"
he says. The butcher takes the bird back, waits a
few minutes in the freezer, and then brings the same
turkey back out to the man.
"Oh no, he says,"that one doesn't look any better.
You better give me both of them.
"Periodic Elements"
Valuable scientific data. Two proposed new additions to the
periodic table (from Chemistry class)elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier
specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out
of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to
find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to
conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it
can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child)for prolonged
period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good
specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2011, 07:04 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, Aug 31
The British media, once the noisiest whiners about Gullible
Warming, are now complaining about cold summers.
Metro UK Aug 30/11
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"Character is easier kept than recovered."
--- English Proverb
"Would you want to do business with a person
who was 99% honest?"
--- Sydney Madwed
Sign seen in an animal shelter: "All children left unattended
will be given a free kitten."
In another one:
Re your lost kid: If there are no remains in the alligator
pen, wait 24 hours.
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when
my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time
at the race track. "That's interesting," I said. "What do
you do?"
As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."
Thanks to Betty for this picture of her yucca:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Christopher Parker, 24 from Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Farm Boy in the city
"I am a dumbass white boy from Wisconsin."
That’s the best Christopher Parker, 24, could offer Chicago cops
Wednesday morning after he was pulled over during a traffic
stop and officers found a handgun, a stack of cash, and a load of
marijuana in his SUV.
Parker, pictured in the mug shot at right, allegedly offered police
$100,000 if they would let him go, according to a police report.
"I know that’s more than your salary," he said, adding,
"Take the car, take the money. I don't care. Just let me walk, bro.
Please let me go."
Along with describing himself as a “dumbass,” the Eau Claire
resident noted that, "I watch ‘Gangland,’ and I came to the South
Side of Chicago to act like a big baller. I borrowed a gun from a
friend for protection, and I was scared to be driving down here.
I’m on vacation with my family and I have the gun because my
girlfriend is scared, too."
[“Gangland” is a History Channel series that focuses on criminal
organizations across the United States.]
Along with gun and drug counts, Parker was charged with trying
to bribe a cop. He is being held in the Cook County jail in lieu of
$90,000 bail.
Considering that gun related fatalities are six times higher
in Chicago than in Afghanistan, he was lucky to get caught
early in his silly game.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Kim
Re: Filter Tips
Dear Webby,
How about some more filter tips ? That ISO filter works great.
Like you suggested with new filters, I kept it red and visible
for a month, and there was not a single false alarm, but it caught
10 or more spams every day. I put it on auto-delete now.
Now I need something for all the spams that just have pictures
and randowm text.
Thanks
Kim
Dear Kim
I catch those by filtering for "font color=white"
OR "font color=#FFFFFF"
That even nabs those PayPal scam-spams.
Without the quote marks.
It might also get the odd Christmas Cheer letter from your
mother-in-law with white text on green background, but if
you keep an eye on the filter for a month, you should be able
to spot and rescue those (if you want '-)
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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A man goes to see the doctor because he has a sore throat.
The nurse tells him to take all his clothes off and sit on the
bench in the hall. The man tries to protest, but the nurse doesn't
listen and just repeats the same orders then leaves the area.
The man complies with her orders and joins another naked man
sitting on the bench. The man starts complaining to the man
already sitting there, that he only has a sore throat and
doesn't understand why he has to take all his clothes off.
The man who was already sitting on the bench nude, looks at
the other man and says
"You think that's bad,
I'm just here to fix the air conditioner."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Flavored Drinks with Soda Water
Use carbonated spring water, which is available cheaply
from chains like Asda (Walmart in US), to make up orangeade,
lemonade, etc. This enables you to have a wide choice of fizzy
drinks without either buying big bottles of pop which go flat quickly,
or individual cans/bottles which cost more.
By Verity Eileen from Norfolk, UK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
It is easy to make better than bought Ginger Ale
and Root Beer. Lots of good recipes on the net. If you have
berry or fruit syrup, it is eaven easier. You can use a bit of
yeast to produce the carbonation, or a CO2 kit.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,
shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living
room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math,
and 20 in science."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The anniversary party had turned into a marathon with
numerous guests coming and going. At one point, a man knocked
on the door, was greeted heartily though no one knew who he
was, and was led to the bar in the basement. He sat there
happily for about an hour before a strange light dawned on
his face.
"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited
to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of
your guests' cars are blocking my driveway. My wife's been
sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing
his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.
He greeted her with a hug and a kiss and several squeezes,
and gave her some more when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented:
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
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Tuesday, August 30, 2011, 10:09 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 29
Bertha wrote:
the thrill is not the same for anything . LOL
btw there was a reason for the cold showers in those days........lol
Bertha
we made out ok with God's help with hurricane irene,
here in New Bedford
Bertha
Solar shower are NOT cold! The challenge is the oposite.
Even though the outside of the bag feels OK, the center is
usually as hot as the center of a microwaved jelly filled donut.
YIPE!!!!
The trick is to use two or more black bags for heating up the
water, mixing them and a bucket of cold water in a plastic
garbage pail, that has a shut-off valve and the shower hose
glued into it. That way you carry only one bag or bucket
at a time up the ladder, can mix the water to ust perfect
temperature, climb down the ladder and into the shower,
and then turn it on for a nice, long, luxurious shower.
Somehow, if you have only ice cold creek or lake water all
day, you tend to use a lot more hot water in the shower in
the evening, especially when it is free.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control
of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
--- Pat Paulsen
Those men who can eat anything they want
and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.
--- Socrata
Men hate self-service. It's always so damn bad ...
and slow too.
--- Socratex
Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband,
"Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't notice," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs.
Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the
proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of
good it does you to go to church!"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Jerry was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first
day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake
and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will
be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how to do it."
Thanks to Sandie for this picture of her ginger:
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Elizabeth Genevieve Null, 20, in Nevada, California
Shoplifter fills out her name and address
PENN VALLEY, Calif. -- A young woman caught on video stealing
more than $300 in merchandise from a garden supply store may
have never been identified if she hadn't pushed her luck by filling
out a raffle ticket.
"A little on the not-bright side, absolutely," said Doug Jones,
co-owner of Anything Green Hydroponics in Penn Valley, Calif.
Surveillance video of Friday's incident shows the young woman
entering the store at 9:30 a.m. and browsing for about a half hour.
The accused shoplifter is occasionally seen ducking down
between shelves and stuffing items into her handbag.
"She had a plan," said store co-owner Shela Claar, who said
the woman actually left the store once to allegedly empty the
handbag in her car before returning for more.
The store owners were unaware they had been ripped off until
later in the day when they noticed some expensive plant nutrients
and other chemicals were missing.
Claar reviewed the video and was stunned as she watched the
shoplifter at work.
"We had never seen her before," Claar said.
The woman in the video might have remained anonymous if she
had simply left the store without taking up the offer to enter a
raffle for a promotional giveaway next month.
"She (gave us) her name, her phone number, her address.
Brilliant," Claar said.
The raffle ticket led a Nevada (Calif.) County sheriff's deputy
directly to Elizabeth Genevieve Null, 20, who was arrested for
misdemeanor shoplifting and felony possession of stolen property.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Jenn
Re: Spam Filters
Dear Webby,
I finally took your advice and downloaded Mailwasher. Can you
suggest some filters for spam? I already set up the Cyrillic
filter, but wonder if you have any more suggestions. Also,
how do I keep it from bouncing legitimate mail I get from the
various lists that I'm on (including yours)?
Do I have to make sure to get them all on my friends list?
Jenn
Dear Jenn
For making filters just make them as spam comes in.
They are really easy to make, and a very rewarding type of fun.
When you see spam, look for things different spams have in
common. A typically common word is "enlarge", and that also is
part of enlargement.
Hit CTRL F7, the Filter editor opens, make a filter that reacts to
that word, deletes it and hides it.
The same for "Prescript", and so on. No need to use the full
words, just the common parts of them.
With newsletters, make GOOD filters for them. That is more
precise than to just add them to the friends list.
Simply mark them as legitimate.
Just add filters as required by the type of spam YOU get.
The reward is when you open up in the morning and read in the
status line:
412 emails hidden,
and then gleefully pounce on the "PROCESS" button.
The only better way to start the day is not a family safe topic '-)
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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From Elaine
Dear Webby, you had a joke once about a minister using a quote,
that mentions "woman, who was not my wife". Can you please
find it again and send it again?
Thanks, Elaine
Sure, Elaine. Here it is:
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in
training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational
speakers. One such boldly approached the podium and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention said,
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a
woman who wasn't my wife."
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that
woman was my mother." The crowed burst into laugher and he
gave his speech, which went over well.
About a week later, one of the ministers, who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse
the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy for him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest
years in my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was
not my wife!"
His congregation gasped. After standing there for almost 10
seconds trying to remember the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she
was!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Lubricate Nails Before Hammering into Hard Woods
To drive nails into hard wood without bending them,
try dipping the points into lard or other grease. You can
accomplish the same end by moistening the points of the
nails in a can of water.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Waxing eloquent on the dangers of sinning, one dynamic young
preacher boomed to the congregation from the pulpit, "Brothers
and sisters, if there are any among you who have sinned and
are unrepentant, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your
mouf!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD
printed on all of them.
She was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't
figure it out, so she asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the
letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do", and was meant to
inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to
imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
Cassie thought a moment and then replied,
"Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of
these caps."
Did you ever see the customers in health-food store?
They are pale, skinny people who look half dead.
In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people.
They're dying, of course, but they look terrific!
--- Bill Cosby.
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UV protective glass for prints?
Monday, August 29, 2011, 08:02 AM
Posted by Administrator
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 29
The weather is cooperating quite nicely with my solar shower.
It's not the same thrill as when I was in my twenties, but
it is no hassle at all.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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"In my house I'm the boss,
my wife is just the decision maker."
--- Woody Allen
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and
some willing to let them.
--- Socratex
"Chaperones, even in their days of glory,
were almost never able to enforce morality;
what they did was to force immorality to
be discreet. This is no small contribution."
--- Judith Martin
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother's meat loaf for
dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe
exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's
the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right,
and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for
George because he loves meat loaf. What could have
gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go
through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me
exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll
figure it out."
"OK," the bride sniffled.
"Well, it starts out, ' Take fifty cents worth of ground beef '..."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Bill was taking a flight to New York. He boards the
plane, finds his seat and settles in, but does not
fasten his seatbelt. The flight attendant comes down
the aisle and see Bill's unfastened seatbelt and says,
"Sir, you need to fasten your seatbelt for takeoff."
Macho Bill says, "Not necessary to do that, Superman
doesn't need a seatbelt."
"Well," the flight attendant said, "maybe THAT is the reason
Superman is not allowed to fly with WestJet?
BUCKLE UP or get offa my plane!"
Click trhough for the big picture.
First Flight Assistance
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to the cops in Manayunk, PA
Arrested for rafting
PHILADELPHIA (CBS) – Row, row, row your boat, just not down
Main Street in Manayunk. That’s the message police are sending
after arresting two men who used a raft as an alternate means of
transportation down a flooded street Sunday morning.
CBS 3 reporter Dray Clark caught up with Pete and Pat, best friends
and roommates from Manayunk, who paddled their way down the
water covered street.
“I thought, Main Street floods a lot, let's go get a raft and float down,”
said Pat, who admitted the idea was his.
“We thought it would be a good time and it turns out it is,” said Pete.
Minutes later, Philadelphia police stopped the men and hauled
them away in handcuffs.
When Dray asked why the men were being arrested, he said the
officers replied, “for lack of common sense.”
The arrest serves as a message to residents in flood affected
areas – this is serious situation and safety should be top of
everyone’s mind.
--------------
As someone, who has rafted well over 10,000 miles in my life,
I find it totally ridiculous and boneheaded to arrest people for
rafting in water, that would barely come up to their belly button,
if they sat on the street beside their boat.
Sure, theoretically, they are supposed to have life jackets,
if the water is more than knee deep, and a fine or a warning
might be appropriate, but not an arrest!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Doris
Re: UV-filter glass for pictures
Dear Webby,
I read that printed pictures should be behind
UV-protective glass if displayed on a an inside wall.
Is that true and where would I get that kind of glass ?
Doris
Dear Doris
No, that's just a silly myth. No UltraViolet goes
through regluar glass. Most windows nowadays are
double or triple pane. In addition to that, by the time
the sun is so low that it shines through a window and
strikes the opposite wall at normal picture height, it is
so low down on the horizon that the sunlight has gone
horizontally through an awful lot of air. On top of that,
the high energy parts of the UV spectrum don't reflect
very well. By the time the light has gone horizontally
through the nowadays fairly polluted atmosphere,
two panes in the window and one pane on the picture,
I doubt you could even detect any UV any more.
Just use regular non-reflective picture glass.
A lot more important is to stop oxidation. The easiest
way to do that is to spray the picture with archive
spray or a semigloss or matte wood varnish. Lay it
flat on some scap plywood, pin the corners to prevent
curling, then spray it lightly, let it dry and spray again.
Then do the same for the back side the next day.
The wood varnish will prevent oxygen from getting to
the paper.
Ink selection of course is also very important. If you
want to guard against fading, don't buy ink at a
department store or computer store. Quite often those
places carry counterfeit inks in authentic looking boxes,
often without even knowing it. Or so they claim.
Your best bet for inks is from the big ink makers and
sellers like Atlantic Inkjet .com.
There you can get a quart jug of ink for less than what
many department stores charge for a counterfeit cartridge.
And their toner is defiitely top quality!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and al Qaeda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck
Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, and Cooter are being sent
in with their coon dogs and these instructions:
1. The limit is two Taliban.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They talk to game wardens.
4. You don't have to bag and haul your kill.
5. Avoid local guides, they will blow up your helicopter.
That should just about do it!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Your Dehumidifier's Water
I've always hated to throw away the water I accumulate daily
in my dehumidifier. I water outdoor plants with it. I'm sure
my neighbors think I have a strange watering can, but I think
this is the best way to recycle this free water.
By morsel81 from Concord, NH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call
the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself.
"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it
to school today because she is ill."
Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"
"This is my mother."
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty
so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something
to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served
him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running
around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him
a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this
friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly.
That's his bowl you're using."
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Sunday, August 28, 2011, 10:39 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, Aug 28
If you were not able to get the Times Square Cam from New York,
don't feel bad. When tens of thousands of readers of the
Humor Letter barge in there and then leave it on during their
breakfast, it looks to them like a major attack. No site can
handle that, and they have to block people, until things
slow down.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
A boy can learn a lot from a dog:
obedence, loyalty, and the importance of
turning around three times before lying down.
--- Robert Benchley
"A man is called selfish,
not for pursuing his own good,
but for neglecting his neighbor's."
--- Richard Whately
Bumping into Judi on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike
apologized. "Pardon me, ma'am, I'm sorry."
"Quite all right," Judi said, enamored. "You look just like my
fifth husband!"
"Wow!" he said, "How many times have you been married?"
"Four."
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
I'm sure you've all heard about the military's plans to use huge
ground-based lasers to destroy abandoned satellites in orbit.
But have you also noticed that since these plans were made public,
CNN hasn't aired a single report accusing the military of sexual
harassment?
Click trhough for the big picture.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Brittany Lurch and Arthur Phillips in Patton, PA
Newlyweds shoplifted food for their reception -
and miss the celebration after they wind up behind bars
Two Pennsylvania newlyweds were busted Friday after
police said they were caught swiping items for their
wedding reception and came back for a second haul.
The Centre Daily Times reported that Arthur Phillips III,
32, and his bride Brittany Lurch, 22, were arrested after
taking $1,049 in merchandise from a Wegmans supermarket.
Patton Township police said the couple were captured on
surveillance video loading a shopping cart and leaving
the store without paying.
A short time later, the pair returned to the same store to
place an order for a seafood platter. It was then that they
were placed into custody.
As they were arrested, the couple told cops the items,
which included food and disposable dinnerware were for
their wedding reception that evening.
They had married the day before, on August 18 and had
reportedly scheduled their reception for 5:30pm on the 19th,
but they never made it.
Miss Lurch, a mother of two children from another relationship,
and Mr Phillips were charged with retail theft and receiving
stolen property.
Miss Lurch was released later Friday after posting $2,500 bail.
Mr Phillips was additionally charged with possession of drug
paraphernalia after officers found a glass pipe with marijuana
residue on it.
He was released on August 22.
Chief John Petrick of the Patton Township Police Department said:
'It was certainly an unusual event and we'll let everything work
through the court system at this point.'
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosalie
Re: Sort OE blocked addresses
Dea Webby:
I am using Outlook Express; I get anywhere from 15-20 spam
notices every day. I use 'Message' - block sender. I must have
100's in my block sender. Is there a way to alphabetize the
list in SPAM? It takes me about 30 minutes to go thru the list
as some of my 'legitimate email address are going into Spam
and I need to take them out. This is a waste of time going
thru that long list.
Thanks for your help.
Rosalie
Dear Rosalie
Blacklisting is a total waste of time.
Spammers never fake the same sender address twice
in a row, because of people blacklisting them.
You need a much smarter weapon than that.
I use MailWasher. It identifies spam, and allows you
to make filters to eliminate spam right on the server,
without even downloading it. It also allows you to make
filters to exempt mail from certain addresses from
all your tricky filters, so that a family member's joke
about certain wrist adornments will make it through
and not get tossed because it mentions a certain
product.
"Making a filter" is not rocket science. It's like a
game and you'll catch on instantly.
MailWasher also allows you to kill mail, that
has your own address forged in as the sender,
but allows mail through, that really IS from you.
Yes, I know, a lot of people send memos to
themselves and then archive those, rather than
open a word processor or spreadsheet for whatever
it is they want to have a permanent copy of.
Because I have not changed my addresses since the
mid 90's, I get between 4000 and 5000 pieces of spam
every day. So, what? It does not bother me one bit,
because I never see it. MailWasher takes care of it and I
only see the mail, that I am actually going to answer.
Now and then I look at the pretty graphs in Mailwasher
and see which of my filters are catching the most these days,
and occasionally I make a new filter, just to keep up with
the newest trends in spamming.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and
call the guests' names as they arrive."
"Very well, Madam!" the butler beamed.
"I've been wanting to do that for years!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Your Dehumidifier's Water
I've always hated to throw away the water I accumulate daily
in my dehumidifier. I water outdoor plants with it. I'm sure
my neighbors think I have a strange watering can, but I think
this is the best way to recycle this free water.
By morsel81 from Concord, NH
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Thanks to Anna for this:
HAVING GONE OUT for a large lunch with fellow workers, a
secretary from our office who runs regularly was especially
motivated to get to the gym after work.
Our boss, who had also enjoyed the good food, suggested that
she run an extra lap for him.
As she was leaving the office, she called to the boss, "Get ready
to start huffing and puffing, 'cause I'll be on your lap in half an hour!"
This time, realizing what she'd just said, her face turned red
before she even started running.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Roy staggered out of the bar, and carefully watching his
footwork, smacks into the lonely palm tree at the parking lot
entrance.
He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again.
Then, he does it again.
He mumbles, "This is great. I was supposed to be home
hours ago, and now here I am lost in the forest."
Sam and Mike are walking home from a religious service.
Sam wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while
praying.
Mike replies, "Why don't you ask Father Smith?"
So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks,
"Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter
disrespect to our religion."
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good
Father told him.
Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong
question. Let me try."
And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks,
"Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Father Smith eagerly replies,
"By all means, my son. By all means. Sure you can
pray while you smoke."
-------
By the way, I am still smoke free!
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Saturday, August 27, 2011, 03:22 PM -
Posted by Administrator
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Saturday, August 27, 2011, 10:10 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, Aug 27
No need to worry about the Bonehead Awards getting renamed
to "Reticent Prong Category Recognition" or that other
Macinese terms would be allowed to infiltrate.
Friends in Florida sure seem amused about the governors on
the East Coast already declaring a State of Emergency and
grabbing for funds, long before the first drop of rain or
gust of wind hits the area.
You can watch New York Times Square and see that the only
noticable breeze there is from the cabs. It might get windy
tomorrow, but right now it looks like a very calm summer night.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"According to 'Mondern Bride' magazine, the average bride
spends 150 hours planning her wedding. The average groom
spends 150 hours going, 'Yeah, sounds good.'"
--- Jay Leno
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have
his head examined.
--- Samuel Goldwyn
Here is an oldie-goldie that was sent back to me:
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age.
Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front,
waiting to go into heaven.
St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you
accomplish during your life?".
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a
New York city Taxi driver for 14 years"
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden
scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name
and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the
last 62 years to the Lord".
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and
wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a
silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe
and wooden staff?".
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale. You
see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis,
everyone prayed!"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of
newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning
run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was
overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
Click trhough for the big picture.
Road in the mountains of Jebel Hafeet, UAE
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to a 23 year old woman in Tacoma, Washington
Finger flipper flips cars
TACOMA, Wash. – A woman caused an accident SR 512 on Monday
when she lost control of her vehicle as she was giving another
driver “the bird,” the Washington State Patrol said.
The 23-year-old woman, driving a 2004 Taurus, was traveling
eastbound next to a Subaru Outback, the State Patrol said.
She wanted to get over to the right lane, but it was occupied
so she flipped off the driver of the Outback. As she was doing
so she lost control of her vehicle and hit the back end of the
Outback, causing it to run off the road and roll over. She
ended up in a ditch further down the roadway.
Three people were taken to the hospital with minor injuries.
The woman faces charges including reckless driving.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Rosalie
Re: Sort OE blocked addresses
Dea Webby:
I am using Outlook Express; I get anywhere from 15-20 spam
notices every day. I use 'Message' - block sender. I must have
100's in my block sender. Is there a way to alphabetize the
list in SPAM? It takes me about 30 minutes to go thru the list
as some of my 'legitimate email address are going into Spam
and I need to take them out. This is a waste of time going
thru that long list.
Thanks for your help.
Rosalie
Dear Rosalie
Blacklisting is a total waste of time.
Spammers never fake the same sender address twice
in a row, because of people blacklisting them.
You need a much smarter weapon than that.
I use MailWasher. It identifies spam, and allows you
to make filters to eliminate spam right on the server,
without even downloading it. It also allows you to make
filters to exempt mail from certain addresses from
all your tricky filters, so that a family member's joke
about certain wrist adornments will make it through
and not get tossed because it mentions a certain
product.
"Making a filter" is not rocket science. It's like a
game and you'll catch on instantly.
MailWasher also allows you to kill mail, that
has your own address forged in as the sender,
but allows mail through, that really IS from you.
Yes, I know, a lot of people send memos to
themselves and then archive those, rather than
open a word processor or spreadsheet for whatever
it is they want to have a permanent copy of.
Because I have not changed my addresses since the
mid 90's, I get between 4000 and 5000 pieces of spam
every day. So, what? It does not bother me one bit,
because I never see it. MailWasher takes care of it and I
only see the mail, that I am actually going to answer.
Now and then I look at the pretty graphs in Mailwasher
and see which of my filters are catching the most these days,
and occasionally I make a new filter, just to keep up with
the newest trends in spamming.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
You've all seen this from the female side of the house:
"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner
with."
And now, for the male response:
"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Keep Free Weights in Wire Egg Basket
To keep our free weights in one small space, my wife took
her grandmother's old wire egg basket and embellished it
with fabric. The weights appear to be out of sight, but are
still in a handy place. We have the egg basket sitting
under a small accent table.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's
the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II,
and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious
assault of all time?"
Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found
instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."
A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he
came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?"
"Yeah," he said, "It's the only place on the whole course where
nobody tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"
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How to get addresses from OE to Gmail ?
Friday, August 26, 2011, 10:02 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, Aug 26
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support fro the troops!
Today I came across mention of an interesting diet: Paleo. Before
dismissing it as just another fad, I checked into it a bit.
Kraft Dinner is bad, Chicken al Orange is good?
Well any 4 year old will agree with that.
Cheese colored sandwich spread is bad, but
boiled eggs and green peppers are good?
Yeah, I knew that, before I was potty trained.
Tofu is bad, but tomatoes and radishes are good?
One would have to be quite insane to argue about that.
Well, the Paleo diet elevates all those hunches and feelings
to a science, a science I agree with, not like the Gullible
Warming Pseudo-Science rumor mongering.
So I looked for more info and found the Paleo Diet
Cookbook. It is 359 pages, but quite affordable, and as a bonus,
it comes with a 29 page Herb and Spice guide, that by itself
is worth more than the price of the book.
If you got too much health and energy, try Kraft Dinner and Tofu.
If you want to improe your health and energy levels,
go for the Paleo Diet Book.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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please donate what you can! |
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"Wherever a man turns he can find someone
who needs him."
--- Albert Schweitzer
"He who gives when he is asked has waited too long."
--- Sunshine Magazine
Bill and I were talking and idly watching the sidewalk traffic
while his wife was taking an eternity shopping for some
postcards at a mall kiosk.
A shapely young woman in a short, short skirt strolled by.
We didn't stop or change our conversation, but since she
was a much more pleasant sight than the parking meter
officer, our eyes involuntarily followed her as she walked.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, Bill's
wife kicked him in the shin and asked,
"Was that worth the trouble you're in now?"
Paleo Cookbook
Brand new Paleo diet cookbook with over 370 recipes.
List of safe and non-toxic foods. Even the intro will have
valuable info.
395 pages, no special skills required. Printable eBook.
Currently with these bonuses:
plus 29 page herb and spice guide,
plus 8 week meal planner
Paleo Cookbook
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might
happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said
to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am
having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore and docked it at the marina.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to
him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into
the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must
do the laundry, make the bed, clean the windows, set the table,
cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
From Nita:
Dear Webby, I was pleasantly surprised to see a picture I
sent you years ago as the picture of the day. Those are a
pair of Black Headed Grosbeak. The male was very curious
as to what the female was doing it was comical.
Thanks, Nita
Black Headed Grosbeak from Nita
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Jason Scott Davis, 34 from Brentwood, California
Burglar leaves his iPhone behind
REDWOOD CITY, Calif. (AP) -- According to a Northern California
prosecutor, Jason Scott Davis falls into the "dumb crook category."
Davis is charged with breaking into his ex-girlfriend's San Mateo
apartment. Police say Davis left his iPhone in the woman's bathtub.
Prosecutors report Davis was busted after a detective called,
pretending to have found the lost cell phone.
During the burglary, Davis allegedly took jewelry, clothes and
personal items.
Davis, who is from the Contra Costa County city of Brentwood,
pleaded not guilty to burglary charges Wednesday.
He remains in custody on $50,000 bail,
and did not get his phone back.
------------------
While searching for a mug-shot of Jason Scott Davis,
I spotted this version of the report at
http://www.bestappleiphone.info/authori ... ed-iphone/
Put your coffee DOWN, unless you want to laugh it
out through your nose. Those Mac people are, as usual,
trying their best to crack us up laughing.
REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — A 34-year-ancient Northern
California masculine stays in control with authorities say he broke into
his ex-girlfriend’s San Mateo section but catastrophic to notice that he
left his iPhone behind.
Prosecutors say troops were able to code Jason Scott Davis as
a consider when they settle his iPhone in the bathtub of the
woman’s section with the May twenty-seven burglary.
In describing Davis as a authority who “falls into the reticent
prong category,” San Mateo County District Attorney Steve
Wagstaffe says Davis was arrested with he was contacted by
a questioner who unnatural to be a authority who settle the phone.
During the burglary, Davis allegedly took jewelry, panoply
and personal items.
Davis, who is from the Contra Costa County city of Brentwood,
pleaded not guilty to crime charges Wednesday.
He stays in control on $50,000 bail.
If you have special requests or tips, greatfully get in hold
with us and we’ll get behind you promptly!
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bob
Re: Get OE addresses into Gmail
Good Morning Webby,
I am moving to another town in CT and will have to use another
service provider and will need to get a new email address.
I want to export my addresses from Outlook Express to Gmail.
How do I make this happen.
As usual, thank you for you invaluable help.
Daily Voter,
Bob
Dear Bob
"How to import addresses from OE to Gmail" seems to be a
very popular topic. I have a hunch, writing a tutorial about
that is a typical high school or college homework.
As can be expected, most of them are rather klutzy and
just muddy the field.
Here is the easiest way:
From Outlook Express:
Select File > Export > Address Book from the main menu.
Select Text File Type CSV (Comma Separated Values).
Click Export.
That produces the necessary data file, with a comma between
each value.
Check that file with a text editor and make sure, there are
no stray commas throwing everything out of sync.
That step is extremely important and is usually forgotten
in most tutorials!
If you have a comma in a name, like for example "Mom, Dad",
it will show TWO values, with Dad shifted over into the next column,
and every subsequent value after that also shifted over.
Depending on how clean your addresses are, that should not
take long, but is necessary.
If it is a really bad mess, import it into a spreadsheet like
Calc or Quattro or Excel. Then you instantly see which
rows stick out further on the right side, because a stray
comma split a value into two values.
Then in Gmail,
Click Contacts (located above the Compose Mail button)
on the Gmail page.
From the More actions dropdown menu, select Import....
Click the Choose File button.
Select the file you'd like to upload and click the Import button.
When it's done, Gmail will display the number of contacts imported.
That's all there is to it. If the original OE address book is clean
and does not have stray commas in it, you'll complete the task
in a minute.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was
talking with her four year old son, Brent.
He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin
talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked.
"They talk funny."
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain.
"To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our
words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously,
"Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Save Paper Scraps For Crafts
I do a lot of card making. Stock paper isn't really cheap,
so if I have left over sentiments or papers from cutting out
projects. I put them all in a basket next to my computer
desk. Then if I need something, it is usually right there in
the basket. I save a ton of paper, ink, and time by having
the "scraps" right there for use on other projects. Some
people may think I am a bit of a tightwad, but it actually
saves me a lot of money having these scraps right where
I can get to them. So, if you are an avid crafter those
small pieces could come in very handy.
By maphisx7 from Gordonsville, VA
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Some paper supply companies have free or almost free
samplers. I got one in the 80's, that is a big harmonica binder
filled with dozens of fancy certificates, card stock in
every color and texture, and each harmonica pocket labeled
with the order number of it's content. The samples were not just
one each, but usually 5 to 10, so that you got a fair chance
to order more, if you liked and used up some of that type.
Try http://www.paperdirect.com and ask them if they still
have a sampler binder. Even if you have to pay for the shipping,
for a crafter that sampler is worth gold!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Bob had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather
and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their
21st birthday.
So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed
out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Bob told Brian.
Bob and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat.
They paddled out to the middle. Bob stepped off of the
side of the boat . . . and nearly drowned.
Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Family Farm and
asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the
same "gift" as the others in the family.
Grandmother took Bob by the hands, looked into his face,
and said, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January. You were
born in November, when the lake is not frozen yet."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be
dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of
but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to
give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked
if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial
because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look
at the man in the blue suit with those shifty, beady eyes and
that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty,
guilty'.
So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury
box. Old Shifty-Eyes is the prosecutor."
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things
were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"
"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was
asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees
and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival
on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
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Print only selected areas
Thursday, August 25, 2011, 08:52 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, Aug 25
Thank you Elizabeth!
Would you believe, the lowest cost hot water tank is
at Sears and is made in the US?
With the low US dollar, US manufacturers are slowly
becoming competitive again!
That sure is a good sign!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
--- Socratex
"This book is dedicated to my brilliant and
beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing.
She always comforts and consoles,
never complains or interferes, asks nothing,
and endures all.
She also writes my dedications."
--- Albert Malvino
"Not many men have both good fortune and good sense."
-- Livy (59BC-17AD)
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months
old."
"That's an awfully exact number," said the tourist. "How do you
know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a
half years ago."
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to
know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"Right now I'd say he's sheepish,"
the secretary replied. "He's talking to his wife."
Molly-the-Witch Peony seed head
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
George Howard, 59, Luisville, Kentucky
59-Year-Old Guy Busted For Driving, Drinking Beer,
Having Sex At Same Time
Kentuckian George Howard is facing several criminal charges
following his arrest this morning for allegedly engaging in some
illegal automotive multitasking.
The Kentucky man was arrested early this morning after police
spotted his 2006 Ford swerving across the road in a Louisville
suburb. At one point, the vehicle collided with the curb, almost
causing an accident.
Cops say that Howard, 59, was having difficulty controlling the
auto because he was simultaneously driving, drinking a beer,
and having sex with his 53-year-old female passenger (whose
head was buried between Howard’s legs).
Howard, pictured in the mug shot, copped to having sex while
driving, according to a Jefferstown Police Department report.
An officer reported spotting Howard drinking a beer prior to
a traffic stop. A subsequent Breathalyzer test recorded his
blood alcohol content at .152, nearly twice the state’s .08 limit.
Howard’s companion, who was not arrested, tried to hide a
beer under her dress as police approached. When Howard
exited the car, “his pants fell to the ground,” police reported.
Booked for drunk driving, wanton endangerment, and reckless
driving, Howard was released from jail late this afternoon.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sarah
Re: Print just the selection
Once again I request info on how to extract one part of your
awesome letter for printing - i really don't know how to do it -
once I've highlighted a section, what then? and that in itself
is not easy -
Dear Sarah
Highlight what you want printed
Hit CTRL P
Move the radio button to Selection
Click on Print
That's all there is to it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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My friend had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my
wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith
and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila,
one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her
monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined
the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can
only be done so many times!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Hairband from Wet Hair
If you have trouble taking a hair ponytail band out of your
hair after swimming, try this. Rub some hair conditioner on
it. It will come out easy and not pull out your hair.
By Donna from Bartlesville, OK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There was this scientist doing a study on how frogs respond
to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet.
He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet.
Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog.
It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less
feet.
He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records
it in log book.
Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog
jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now
jumps 10 less feet.
Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP!
The Frog doesn
't move an inch.
So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs
and frog GOES DEAF!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
One gossip to another: "It's my policy never to say anything
about anyone unless it's something good.
And is this ever good!"
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where
I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would
mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for
my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and
can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving
to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the
sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?"
Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have
a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She
shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011, 11:39 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, Aug 24
Had to heat up water in pots today for a bucket and sponge
wash instead of a shower. The water tank has sprung a leak.
Heating the water wasn't a big deal. I had done that countless
times, when I lived and worked in the bush in the arctic.
Since it gets quite warm in the afternoon, I'll lay a black
garbage bag onto the deck roof and connect it to
a $10 solar shower.
In the arctic I used to hang a couple of solar shower bags
from the gable of the wall tent, right above the wood stove,
and had a clear plastic shower rigged behind the tent.
That worked quite well, even at -40, once I figured the top
and sides of the shower had to be perfectly air tight and
the entrance by lifting one of the sides and crawling in
and up onto the raised styrofoam floor from below.
Living in the bush required a bit of extra work, but had
it's own rewards.
A solar shower should tide me over, until I can save enough
for a small hot water tank.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success -
yours or his.
--- Franklin P. Jones
A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
--- George Bernard Shaw
Thanks to Sandie for this story:
The tourist in London climbed into a cab and noticed by the
license that his cab driver's name was Winston Churchill.
Trying to make conversation, he said, "I see your name is
Winston Churchill."
The driver simply said, "Yep. That's my moniker."
The passenger, not willing to give up yet on some banter,
said, "That's a pretty famous name."
The driver responded with, "As well it should be too.
I've been driving a cab here for over forty years!"
Thanks to Amber Rose for this:
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic
collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens,
a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of
crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look
so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest,
most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive
and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper
collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
Thanks to Betty for this picture:
Molly-the-Witch Peony seed head
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
a 24 year old Warren, Michigan bonehead
whose name and picture is withheld by Michigan media.
Police video
Driving with no brakes
ROSEVILLE, Mich. -- The feet of a 24-year-old Warren
(Detroit-area) bonehead failed him as he tried to use them
to brake his car on a busy street.
Roseville Police Deputy Chief James Berlin said the man
rolled about two miles on Groesbeck Highway while while
sticking his feet outside his car in attempts to stop it, hitting
four vehicles along the way. He managed to stop the truck
twice, but continued driving.
Berlin said the man admitted he knew the brakes weren't
working but wanted to get home because he had work issues.
He hit two vehicles after a running a red light and continued
on and hit two more at another intersection.
He said the driver was finally stopped when an officer caught
up with him and told him to put the truck in park.
"I just can't believe anybody would think for a second they
could make it home using their feet as a brake," Berlin said.
No one was injured during Wednesday afternoon's accidents,
but the man received a citation for reckless driving. Berlin
said the man passed field sobriety tests, but his driver's
license also was suspended at the time of the accidents.
"It's so stupid it's comical. But it could have been very
tragic," Berlin said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Karina
Re: Typing position
Dear Webby
Time to play referee again.
Our night-school teacher insists that the proper seating position
is is with the back and neck straight, upper arms perfectly
straight down, elbows pressed against the body, fore-arms and
wrist and hands perfectly level.
I thought that position had gone out of style.
What do you say ?
Karina
Dear Karina
You are right. Except during interviews I have not seen that
sitting position since the 70's. It does make you look more
attractive to a male interviewer, than any other typing position,
but it is by no means the fastest typing position, and it leads
to fatigue and even repetitive strain injury.
Today, (except for interviews '-) a more relaxed typing position
is favored. Elbows out, forearms slightly downward, hands in a
relaxed curve. That position often adds about 5 words per
minute to your speed. A not too firm but smooth wrist rest
helps most people to gain additional speed.
However, if you type faster than me, it makes no difference
to me what typing position you use, as long as you change it
slightly about every 15 - 30 minutes. The changing is the most
important part of the sitting position. That avoids repetitive
strain injury.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it
creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor
walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five
minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same
conductor walking by again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened?
Did we catch up with the cow again?"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Removing Hairband from Wet Hair
If you have trouble taking a hair ponytail band out of your
hair after swimming, try this. Rub some hair conditioner on
it. It will come out easy and not pull out your hair.
By Donna from Bartlesville, OK
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was
extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she
ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said,
"Don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the
mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something
to do with heat conduction.
I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden
spoons?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all you
idiots banging metal spoons against metal pots, I'd murder
too many of you."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
As a roving columnist for a regional agricultural publication, I
gather material by traveling with a saddle horse and a pack
mule. Because my job is a bit unusual, my writings have
attracted a following. Admittedly, my ego soars when folks
recognize me and stop to chat. I had things put in their proper
perspective, however, one hot day in eastern Montana.
My animals and I were loafing along. As a stock truck passed
by us, the driver waved, and I waved back. I was sure that he
was one of my fans.
Minutes later, the truck driver came back and pulled off to the
side of the road. "You're that writer fellow, aren't you?" he asked.
"That's right," I replied, beaming.
"I thought so," he said. "I recognized your mule."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when
the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,"
the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I
majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
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Can vacuuming hurt a computer?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011, 08:18 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, Aug 23
Even though it cooled off at night to just a few degrees
above freezing, it sure was hot in daytime! During my
evening walk up to the water tower and from there to the
hospital and the walking trail from there back down into
the valley, I carefully adjusted my route to include the
shade of some tall pines. I didn't quite stop in the shade,
but I sure slowed down and enjoyed it!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what
they do not understand.
--- Socratex
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is
being run by smart people who are putting us on,
or by imbeciles who really mean it."
--- Mark Twain
"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me,
but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries
are neutral."
--- Robert Orben
A man's best friend dies, so he calls the nearest
flower shop to order a wreath of flowers to be
displayed at the wake.
"Put an extra-wide ribbon on it," he tells the clerk.
"Print 'Rest in Peace' on both sides and, if there is
room, 'We Shall Meet in Heaven.'"
The clerk assures him that his order will be carried
out and the wreath promptly delivered to the funeral
home.
Sure enough, the wreath arrives and is set up next to
the casket. But the mourners are stunned when they
see it. On the extra-wide ribbon is the inscription,
"Rest in peace on both sides",
and,
"If there is room, we shall meet in Heaven."
Thanks to Renata for this story:
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer,
I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see
that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my
first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at
that!" he said. "It's my old Plymouth!"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Andrea Antoine-Pierre, 52, in Port St Lucie, Florida
Attack with potted Basil
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla., Aug. 19 (UPI) -- Police in Florida said
they arrested a woman accused of throwing a potted basil plant
at her husband during an argument about his cooking.
Port St. Lucie police said Andrea Antoine-Pierre, 52, arrived
home Monday while her 60-year-old husband, whose name
was not released, was preparing food in the kitchen,
TCPalm.com reported Friday.
"They then began to argue about what type of meat was
supposed to be cooked," the police report states.
The husband told police he was walking away from
Antoine-Pierre when she threw the basil plant, which struck
his left shoulder. He said she tried to throw rocks at him
outside but did not make contact.
Antoine-Pierre told police she threw the plant on the ground
and the dirt "must have bounced" to get on her husband's shoulder.
Antoine-Pierre was arrested on a domestic battery charge.
Nobody will be surprised, if the gent will soon be cooking
for a woman, who is more appreciative and has better
kitchen manners.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Bill
Re: is vacuuming computers dangerous?
Dear Webby,
In this letter in the tech dept you said it was a good idea to
vacuum out your computer. How do you do that?
I really am hesitant to take anything apart for fear I won't get
it back together right.
Thanks, Sharon
Dear Bill
Ignore those clueless wussies.
Power supplies and battery chargers have always had a 10
MegaOhm bypass resistor to bleed off static.
In addition to that, nowadays all chips are CMOS.
Think of that as the equivalent of the rubber diaphragm in a
truck or train's air brake. The air never gets to the brake pads,
it just pushes onto the diaphragm and thereby pushes back the
springs, that try to put the brakes on.
CMOS chips have the same diaphragm, and no current flows
THROUGH them. You just have voltage pushing and pulling on the
diaphragm, which in turn activates on/off valves on the other
side of it.
If there was a static spike, it would get stopped at the next
CMOS device. In addition to that, there are bypass resistors to
bleed off anything dangerous.
Without all that, you could not carry a laptop on a carpet
or scratch your head on a dry day.
In addition to that, almost all decent vacuum cleaners, except
for some really mickey-mouse rechargeable ones, have black
hoses and attachments. The black is from soot in the rubber
or plastic, that makes them conductive and bleeds off static.
Just don't use compressed air or gas!
THAT creates dangerous static that can shock YOU and cause
you to drop stuff, blows dirt into even less convenient places,
and kills kids who "huff" the stuff.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him
from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the
local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and
said, "Where have you been all my life?"
The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first
half of it, I wasn't even born yet."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Glue Paper Plate to Paint Can
You'll keep the floor neater during the next painting job
if you glue a paper plate to the bottom of your paint can,
instead of trying to move newspapers under the container
every time you set it down.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's
reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him.
"What is your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it
right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
It's graduation day at the teacher's college, and everybody
is going to get their diploma but Jon. At the assembly,
the entire senior class stands up and shouts
"Let Jon graduate, let Jon graduate!"
The principal agrees to give Jon one last chance. "If I have five
apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Jon, how many
apples do I have?" he asked.
Jon thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."
And the entire senior class stood up and shouted
"Give Jon another chance. Give Jon another chance!"
Early one morning a Priest heard a noise outside his door.
When he opened it, he saw a donkey fall over dead. Not
knowing what to do about the situation, he called the mayor
and related the situation.
The mayor couldn't resist jabbing at the Priest and said,
"Father, I thought that in a case like that the duty of a Priest
was to bury the dead."
Without any hesitation, the Priest said, "No, my duty is to
to notify next of kin, so that they can pay for funeral
arrangements."
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Vacuuming out the computer
Monday, August 22, 2011, 09:45 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 22
Thank you, Matt!
------------
Just received this from Ivan in Libya:
All the carnage was distant until night fell then the sea
boiled over with small fast boats that dumped 10 or more
Special Forces and Al Qaida each at hundreds of points
along the beach in and around Tripoli. The slaughter began
at that moment. The distraction of the small gangs inside the
city proved successful and allowed the unfettered invasion
from the sea. Killing hundreds of thousands of Libyans in the
next few days may be the result of this full fledged attack
by NATO.
1300 innocent civilians killed in Tripoli in the last 11 hours +
5000 injured. Nonstop bombings and 3 Apache gunships firing
their mini-cannons constantly are the real killers. The gangs
of Al Qaida are burning houses, looting shops and kidnapping
every woman in sight on a street. Any prominent supporter of
Ghadafi was targeted and their houses attacked first. The number
of gangs have been increasing, because they are coming in
from the sea in small NATO craft directed by the Special Forces
of the 30 participating NATO nations, and include all the
professional demonstrators, who want to take advantage of
the situation to do some major looting and maybe a bit more.
Ivan
---------------
Looks like after six months of bombing and a massive D-Day
style allied invasion from the sea, the government of Libya is
about to fall. People are just tired of the continuous bombing
every night, and hope to be able to deal with Al Quaeda and
the Communists later.
In the meantime, women flush their make-up stuff, burn
Western clothes, and mostly they just hide.
Somebody is going to be sorry.
There may well be another revolution later on.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Sound travels slowly.
Sometimes the things you say when your
kids are teenagers
don't reach them till they're in their 40s.
--- Socratex
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment.
The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists.
I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving
him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to
a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding
machine.
The soldier, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made
a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work
contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. "That's
fine," he said. "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective
clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test when you sat down
at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run
the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they
run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think that Soros
bought the right people to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run
the country but don't really understand the Washington Post.
They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they
didn't have to leave LA to do it. And they are nt quite sure
whether it is coke or weed, that is illegal.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used
to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you
very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't
too sure who's running the country, and don't really care
as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care
who's running the country, as long as they do something
really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated and/or
extramarital.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who
aren't sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it;
but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There
are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped
minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be
illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they
are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running
another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in
line at the grocery store.
Thanks to Sandie for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Steve Horner in St George, Utah
Bonehead fights Nevada's Ladies Night law
Man targets Nevada's ladies' night law
ST. GEORGE, Utah (UPI) -- A Utah man known for his sex
discrimination lawsuits against businesses with "ladies' night"
promotions said his sights are set on repealing a Nevada law.
Horner is actually from Minnesota, where he was jailed for
being a nuisance to the commissioner of Minnesota's Department
of Human Rights, and later encouraged to leave the state.
Steve Horner is currently in St. George, Utah and said he wants
to see Nevada lawmakers repeal the law, which was passed
this summer and takes effect Oct. 1, because it allows for
"ladies' night" promotions that offer free admission and
discounts on the basis of gender, the Las Vegas Sun
reported Friday.
Horner said he filed complaints with the Nevada Equal Rights
Commission last year against the Blue Martini bar and
restaurant in Las Vegas over its ladies' night, but the
complaint was rejected because he had never been to
the bar in person.
Horner said allowing ladies' night promotions is discriminatory
and unconstitutional.
"How can you say you're an egalitarian state one moment,
and then you're not when there's money to be made?" he said.
Considering the number of currently shut down casinos, bars
and restaurants in Nevada, it is probably a good idea for
Horner to stay in Utah.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Sharon
Re: Vacuuming out the computer
Dear Webby,
In this letter in the tech dept you said it was a good idea to
vacuum out your computer. How do you do that?
I really am hesitant to take anything apart for fear I won't get
it back together right.
Thanks, Sharon
Dear Sharon
Turn the computer off, but don't unplug it. It's safer if it is
properly grounded.
Don't unplug anything, but look at the back of the computer.
You will see that most of the plugs and cables are closer to
one of the side walls than the other. They are closer to the
"floor" side.
The opposite side is the "lid" side. Usually the lid has
thumbscrews or larger screws than the floor side, or a big
sliding knob. If you see that knob, try that first.
Unscrew the two or three screws on the lid. Then you can
slide it backwards and open it easily.
Set it aside flat on the floor. If you don't, it will fall over and
scare you right when you are under the table. When that
happens, it's quite hilarious for the onlookers.
Now take a vaccum cleaner and put the narrow crevice tool
on it, if you have one. Vacuum out the inside of the computer,
preferably without quite touching anything in there. The dust
and the dustbunnies and spiderwebs are all lightweight and
vacuum up easily.
You will see one or more fan shrouds. Normally, they can be
removed without tools, but usually you have to look at them
with a flashlight, to see where you have to push to snap
them loose. Remove those shrouds and clean the fancy
looking heat sinks under them really well. You may need
a Q-Tip to help you there.
Then put the vacuum away so that you don't trip over it,
find the lid and re-attach it.
Carefully empty the vaccum cleaner and retrieve the
vacuumed up lid screws and use them to secure the lid.
That's all there is to it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked,
"Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make
me too?"
"Yes, God made you," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a nearby mirror, while
her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said,
"God's doing a lot better job lately."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Wash Shower Curtain with Clips Attached
I used to hate washing my shower curtain. Undoing all those
clips at the top, what a bore! One day, I took the entire
curtain, clips and all, and threw it in the washing machine
on delicate. What a time saver! No damage was done to
the curtain and I saved so much time and aggravation.
By junk02915 from Riverside, RI
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles
Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the
weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.
"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the
father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
"They're not cheap either," the father came back.
"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment
and headed for the door.
From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp,
"What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of
flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long
and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm just going to run down to the
cemetery and steal some more flowers!"
"Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm always talking to myself."
"Now, Judy," he replied, "that's not too serious, lots of people
these days talk to themselves."
"Yes . . ." she whined, "but I'm such a bore!"
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Internet Exolorer stops working
Sunday, August 21, 2011, 11:33 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, Aug 21
Thank you, Rose!
If one was to believe all the reports coming out of California,
this might be a good time to back up all your data onto Mozy,
pack up your keepsakes and go for a camping trip to the
mountains.
Steaming hills, petrochemical smells on the beaches,
and tens of thousands of micro-tremors, all combine
to give the predictionists and alarmists reasons to grab
significant amounts of news time.
Keep in mind, though, this time of year is called the
"Silly Season" by traditional media, because the politicians
are on vacation and not doing anything stupid or newsworthy,
so anything that fills space will be printed.
I even remember reading a Science Fiction novel called
"Silly Season" in the late 70's, where Aliens took advantage
of that, and managed to get quite well established before
anybody took news of their invasion serious.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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The less skilled the player,
the more likely he is to share expertise
about the game.
--- Socratex
A golf match is a test of your skill against
your opponent's blind luck.
--- Socratex
Simple, clear purpose and principles give rise to
complex intelligent behavior. Complex rules and
regulations give rise to simple stupid behavior.
--- Socratex
A woman walks into her boss' office with this complaint:
"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual
harassment.
"Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for
discrimination."
Thanks to Mary for this:
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything
worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing
to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when somebody suggested we all celebrate
Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I
decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor,
an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I
presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because
he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call
(some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to
brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this
"old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a
polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny
Osmond. "I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I
introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two.
I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I
need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on
Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just
called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She
may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at
which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job.".
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she
was in the hospital... working in the gift shop... I called
my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China... I called
my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his
honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't
think I'm up to it.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Evan Salas, 19, and Brandon Smith, 18 in Pinellas County,
Florida
Florida teens shoot 275 cars
JANUARY 27--A pair of Florida teenagers arrested yesterday
for damaging 275 vehicles in a BB gun shooting spree that
caused in excess of $100,000 in damages told police that
they carried out the vandalism because they were “bored.”
Evan Salas, 19, and Brandon Smith, 18, were collared for a
rampage through three cities in Pinellas County. The men,
who shot up cars Friday night into Saturday morning, were
each charged with felony criminal mischief, according to
arrest affidavits.
Salas (left) and Smith are pictured in the above mug shots.
When confronted by Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office investigators,
Salas and Smith reportedly copped to damaging cars and trucks
in Belleair Bluffs, Largo, and Seminole. Asked why they would
engage in such behavior, investigators noted, the pair explained
they were “bored."
According to police, Smith and Salas were both armed with
newly purchased CO2-powered BB guns and took turns
“randomly shooting at vehicles” from Smith’s car. Following
his arrest, Smith admitted “shooting out windows of unoccupied
vehicles,” according to an arrest affidavit. Salas made a similar
confession, admitting his involvement with “35% to 40% of the
shooting.”
Both men were booked Wednesday into the county jail.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lindsay
Re: Internet Explorer stops working
Dear Webby,
Love your newsletter, reading it from side-to-side &
top-to-bottom. I've noticed you have solved some concerns
for other people, so I thought I'd ask some advice for myself.
I have a laptop computer upon which I keep getting a pop-up
message stating: "Internet Explorer" has stopped working.
Windows will try to fix the problem.
So far windows has not been successful, and without the
Internet Explorer, I cannot send email's and I cannot play my
favorite games, and...well, I can't really do much of anything
on my laptop. I've searched and several times I thought I had
fixed the problem, but no luck. I thought you might be able to
help me.
Thanks for considering this problem...keep the newsletter
coming!
MaryLou
Dear MaryLou
That sounds like a typical W7 feature.
Internet Explorer seems to be not quite compatible with it.
It works OK on some sites, but not enough of them to make
it practical and usable.
For example, it works OK on the online page of the Humor Letter,
but miserably fails at the Internet Frog speed test.
Just use FireFox. Even an old version of FireFox, like 3.5,
works better and quite reliable. It gets along just fine
with Gmail and you will never see that silly message again.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Overheard in the elevator:
And then she said...
"I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was soo relieved when he told me that all I needed was
blinker fluid. Naturally, I got the organic, biodegradable kind,
even though it was a bit more expensive."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Wash Shower Curtain with Clips Attached
I used to hate washing my shower curtain. Undoing all those
clips at the top, what a bore! One day, I took the entire
curtain, clips and all, and threw it in the washing machine
on delicate. What a time saver! No damage was done to
the curtain and I saved so much time and aggravation.
By junk02915 from Riverside, RI
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her
obstetrician.
He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he
asked her to quickly bare her stomach,
then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp,
which he pressed beside her navel.
Then he rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words
printed on her belly, but they were too small.
They then found a magnifying glass and tried to
read the words; the stamp read:
"When your husband can read this without his
glasses, it's time for the next check-up."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The obituary editor of our newspaper is not one to admit his
mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate
subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been
printed in the obituary column.
"Really?" replied the editor calmly.
"Where are you calling from?"
The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that
alcohol was the work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to
lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from
which would he drink?"
A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up:
"Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."
The priest, elated, said,
"Very good, my son.
And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"
The Irishman at the back of the church replied,
"Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass
and not an Irishman."
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Saturday, August 20, 2011, 01:43 PM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, Aug 20
Jerome at SpirtitScents.com
figured out my problem, that my ISP had misconfigured the mess
they made with a proxy on their side. So I cussed at the
boneheads until they fixed their mess. I didn't have to make
any changes and I refrained from doing anything on my side,
that would have complicated the issue. After only two hours
of running down the batteries in two cordless phones, they
finally figured how their settings should be, and everything
worked again.
Thanks, Jerome!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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The easiest way to make your old car run better
is to check the prices of a new car.
--- Socratex
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
--- Socratex
Thanks to Jeanne for this one:
Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a
store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however,
I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line
to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same
item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite
being nearly 60, I still have a very "with it" attitude.
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-
something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my gramma."
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New
York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.
Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks
over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to
calm you down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She
comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes
later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and
biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he
swallows immediately.
A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking
uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the
flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to
fly."
"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man sobbing loudly, "I'm
a pilot, but I am trying to give up drinking."
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Justin Newberry, 23, Tennessee
Man Accidentally Shoots Himself
while Driving Down Interstate 24
Clarksville, TN – Today, August 17th, around 1:30pm Justin
Newberry, 23 was in a Nissan Altima driving westbound on I-24
when he had to apply his brakes to slow down for traffic. After
he applied the brakes, a handgun known as “The Judge” slid out
from under the seat.
When Newberry reached down to pick it up he grabbed it by the
trigger at which time “The Judge” went off. The round, which was a
410 slug, went into right thigh, exited, and continued on until it hit
him in the left leg just above the ankle. He was able to safely
pull the car into the median area about mile marker 6 and call
911 for help.
To shoot through his thigh and into his ankle, the gun must
have been held fairly high, as if by a passenger.
He was transported by Lifeflight to Vanderbilt and is in
stable condition. There were multiple forms of identification
from different locations in the car so officers were not able
to determine where he is from or where he was headed
prior to be taken away by Lifeflight.
Additionally, officers on the scene found marijuana and
drug paraphernalia inside of the vehicle. Charges are
pending.
That particular handgun is very odd looking. It is a revolver,
with the drum almost twice as long as the barrel, and made
to shoot .410 shotgun shells or .410 slugs. They are not known
for accidentally going off, but for awsome recoil.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Lindsay
Re: Coarse wide monitor
Dear Webby,
I followed your instructions and tried for hours to get
acceptable results on my laptop screen. The oily slime look
of course did not help at all. It makes it look like a reasonably
sharp picture from the distance, but it is just an illusion.
Fine graphics are not, and small details on spreadsheet charts
are washed together. What can I do, that I haven't done yet?
Help!
Lindsay
Dear Lindsay
For a start, stop listening to the liars, who try to con you
into believing wide monitors are top quality. They are not.
They are rejects, no matter how hysterical the liars get.
If you put any wide screen laptop beside, for example,
a Lenovo 1600 x 1200 4:3 flat screen monitor, then you
will instantly see the difference. The 1600 x 1200 screen
has real pixels in the number claimed, not fake pixels
claiming to be the equivalent of whatever the advertising
department printed.
If you shop around and check with PriceGrabber, you can find
16" x 12", 1600 x 1200 monitors for less than the cost of new
glasses. Your laptop has a socket in the back for plugging in
an external monitor. Then you will see lines on charts,
that are only one pixel away from other lines, not washed
together lines, and graphics the way they were intended to
be seen.
Yes, I am quite opinionated on this topic, and quite happy,
that I was smart enough to buy a refurbished Lenovo 16" x 12"
three - four years ago, and that, in spite of my diabetes,
the prescription for my glasses has not changed in four years.
A decent monitor makes a huge difference!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Washington
factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being
assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights
were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The
cast iron weights were bright yellow and black and marked,
"14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling
I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was
the warning: "Remove before flying."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Paper Clip to Mark Tape End
To keep from losing the end of postage tape, place a paper
clip on the sticky side of the tape just below where you are
making the cut. Store the tape with the paper clip, and you
are ready to go next time you need to use the tape. The
paper clip is easy to pull off and thick enough to keep from
losing the end of the tape.
By Hate Litter from NC
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Judi and Trisha were at an auto show.
There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear.
"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Trisha
asked.
"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If
you've got the back up like that, then you're always going
downhill and save a lot of gas!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a
young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to
propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of
them had ever been married. They dated about once a week
for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got
around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question.
He called her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
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Wide monitor is inconvenient
Friday, August 19, 2011, 09:38 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, Aug 19
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Sure had a frustrating afternoon and evening! The ISP offered
to upgrade the connection from 2 to 15 Mbps and lower the
cost a little bit.
Well, on the W7 laptop the speed increased download speed to
7 Mbps, but and decreased upload speed to a pathetic 375 kbps.
That's the good news.
On the XP desktop, my main work machine, I can no longer use
browsers. I even uninstalled FireFox and re-installed a known good
version. That did not help at all.
What is funny is that I can get and send mail and work on the
server command lines, just browsing is blocked.
Who do I ask for help, when I can't figure out a problem?
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and
prejudices and just laugh at people."
--- Jack Handey
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered
to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride,
they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to
you. I was talking to God."
Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her
very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained
to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her
that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.
"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it
out of my ears?"
Thanks to Lillemor for sending this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Juwan D. Wilson, 18 in Wichita, Kansas
Suspect calls the cops himself
Authorities say an 18-year-old suspect in a high-speed chase
went to class at Hutchinson Community College after the chase
was called off Monday morning by the Kansas Highway Patrol.
Then, after police found the suspect's green Chevy Blazer
parked at the local college and had it towed, Juwan D. Wilson
reportedly called the Hutchinson Police Department to report
someone had stolen his vehicle.
"That kind of made it easy," Patrol trooper Dave Golden said Monday.
Wilson, a Wichita resident, was arrested on suspicion of fleeing
and eluding law enforcement, reckless driving, driving with a
suspended license, and a vehicle registration violation. He was
booked Monday into the Reno County jail.
The chase started at 10:50 a.m. Monday on K-96 in Reno County,
about two miles east of Yoder Road. Golden tried to stop the
Chevy Blazer for speeding, but the driver sped off. The pursuit
toward Hutchinson twice reached 100 mph, according to Golden,
who stopped pursuing the Blazer once it turned onto 11th Avenue
in Hutchinson.
"When it became too dangerous and came into town, I terminated
the pursuit," he said.
An HCC student later alerted campus security after spotting the
Blazer driving erratically, as it pulled into a college parking lot.
Police officers found the Blazer parked at Hutchinson Community
College near the Stringer Fine Arts Center and the Sports Arena,
according to Hutchinson Police Sgt. Eric Buller.
After the vehicle was found, Golden fingerprinted the outside of
the Blazer and had it towed. Wilson later came out to the parking
lot, saw that his vehicle was missing and called police.
"After he was done with class, he saw that it was gone and thought
it was stolen," Police officer Lorenzo Bohringer said.
A video camera from inside Golden's patrol car helped identify
Wilson as a suspect. Wilson was cooperative and later confessed,
according to Golden.
"He really is a likeable guy, but this was not one of his smarter
moves," Golden said.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Nita
Re: Unsatisfactory wide monitor
Dear Webby,
I know you do not like the new monitors but I have a 19"
and I still must scroll across all day. How wide of a monitor
must a person buy to avoid the scrolling across or is it
even possible?
Thank you for all your help and your excellent Humor letter.
Nita
Dear Nita
My monitor is 16" wide and 12" high,
just measuring the actual screen, not the frame.
I have the resolution set to 1600 x 1200,
100 dots per inch,
and I find that perfect for working.
Try setting the resolution higher, and play with the DPI setting
to fine tune it, so that everything is perfectly sharp.
Right-click on the desktop
Properties
Settings
Slide the slider all the way to the right, or at least to 1600 x 1200.
Hit OK to try that out.
For fine tuning,
Right-click on the desktop
Properties
Settings
Advanced
and play with the DPI setting.
You may have to adjust icon sizes and fonts and all
kinds of stuff afterwards. However, it is well worth it
to have perfectly sharp pictures and text in a size,
that is right for your eyes.
And if you see a 4:3 monitor at a yard sale, grab it!
If you pretend to be a professional, you can buy brand new
4:3 monitors, and even 3:4 upright portrait monitors.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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An old seed corn salesman entered a tavern, sat down at
the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he
finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he
ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one,
he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another
double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks
all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside
your shirt pocket before you order another."
The old seed corn salesman replied, "I'm looking at a photo
of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's
time to go home."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Make Cloth Napkins from Remnants
I love to have tons of dinner napkins, but I do not like
the high price on them. I go to Walmart and look through
their remnant bin for cheap materials. I just took a remnant
home that cost 39 cents and made four dinner napkins out
of it. All I did was cut a triangle edge on it. If I had owned
a pair of pinking shears, I could have done it much faster.
These can be used for all around cleaning and little place
mats. I love these little dinner napkins. I make them in
smaller sizes than what you would buy at the store for
the children and normal if not smaller sizes for me. I am
happy with my large collection of dinner napkins.
By Robyn from Hampton, TN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A an old country doctor examined a woman from the country,
took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of
your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New
York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college,
employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel.
It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When
newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain,
can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who
don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said, "Why if
he didn't have an account here, I wouldn't cash a check for my
own brother."
The irate customer replied, "Well . . . you know your family a
lot better than I."
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Why a UV filter for digital cameras?
Thursday, August 18, 2011, 09:15 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, Aug 18
Found it interesting how the British lawyers and prison
guards unions are getting hysterical about the sentencing
of the rioters and claim, that it represses free speech.
The prison guard unions are communist controlled and told
to promote anarchy, in order to bring down the state.
Nothing new there. Surprising is that the lawyers are
panicking and claiming, that appropriate sentencing might
cut into their expected business.
Personally, I doubt that they have to worry for a long time.
By taking discipline out of the schools, respect for authority
has been destroyed, and that will come back and bite them in
the butts for a long time. It will probably take them another
fifteen years just to realize their mistake.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately
explained by stupidity.
--- Robert A. Heinlein
With ogling, the fine line between a complimenting,
appreciative glance and and obnoxious stare is
not measured in seconds, but depends on the mood
of the ogled person.
--- Socratex
Asked by the third-grade teacher to spell "straight."
did so correctly.
"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"
"Without water."
DISASTER
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his
40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have
survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he
would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept
him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and
proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his
path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and
almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At
least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook
his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could
have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much.
Something cold and wet brushed against his hand.
He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes,
Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and,
for heaven's sake, clean up your room!"
Thanks to Lillemor for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Jantavia Taylor, 21, in Bradenton, Florida
Woman Tried To Assault Girlfriend With Sex Toy
Cops: Florida perp, 21, threw strap-on dildo at roomie
during beef.
AUGUST 16--A Florida woman is facing a felony domestic
violence charge after she allegedly tried to strike her live-in
girlfriend last night with a “female sex toy,” according to a
police report.
Responding to call of an aggravated assault with a knife,
a cop interviewed Tamara Cadet and Jantavia Taylor about
a confrontation in the Bradenton home they have shared for
more than a year.
Cadet, 23, told the investigator that she and Taylor, 21,
“became involved in an argument and that Ms.Taylor then
grabbed a knife from an unknown location and began to chase
her with it.” Fearful of being injured, Cadet said she fled the
couple’s home and ran a block before Taylor stopped chasing
her.
But when Taylor spoke to a Bradenton Police Department officer,
she denied chasing Cadet with knife in hand, instead noting that
“the only thing that she threw at Ms. Cadet trying to strike
her was a female sex toy (Strap on Penis).”
Further police investigation determined that, “The sex toy
was located across the street in the yard of another residence.”
In his report, Officer Joshua Small noted that the weapon
used in the alleged domestic assault was categorized as “other.”
Pictured in the above mug shot, Taylor, who works at Popeyes,
is being held at the Manatee County jail, where bond has not
been set yet.
It seems, half the cops don't know how to spell
"attempted strapadicktome" and the other half of them can't
stop laughing.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Hank
Re: Why a UV filter?
Dear Webby,
why is everybody always saying you need to buy an UV filter
for every camera? If that filter was so universally necessary,
wouldn't the camera companies build it into the camera ?
Thanks
Hank
Dear Hank
With a cheap plastic lens camera a real glass UV filter can
make a noticeable difference in the picture, however, with
most cameras there is SOME glass in there somewhere,
and you would not notice a difference. If you did notice a
difference, you most likely would not really know for sure
which version of a picture you would prefer,
with or without UV filter.
The main objective of the UV filter nowadays is to protect
the main lens from fingerprints, mustard, ketchup, dirt and
scratches.
Since UV filters are just plain window glass, they used to
be very cheap, ($1 - $10), but nowadays some merchants
consider them to be gullibility tax and charge outrageous
amounts of money for them. Since they are just plain glass,
a UV filter from an old camera will work just fine, as long as
it is not scratched up.
If it does not snap or thread on, clean it well and then
simply glue it on. If it does get scratched up by falling off
a mountain, you can release the glue by heating the flat
UV filter glass with a clothes iron.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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please donate what you can! |
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*How to speak English Pooperly*
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Remove Paint Transfer
My husband went ballistic when he saw a scrape on my car
bumper. My grandkids ride their bikes, etc. and he just knew
someone had "nicked" the paint on the bumper. I took a tiny
bit of a Mr. Clean sponge and gently scrubbed the "nick".
It was gone in no time and not a trace of anything remained.
Disaster averted. I even got rid of a few more that looked like
nicks!
By Halfwhit from Ashdown, AR
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Late one Friday night after a big soccer game the policemen
spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of
Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been
drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. The team won, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served
these margaritas, which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course
I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle
for later.."
The man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle
of whiskey, which he proudly held up for inspection. The officer
sighed, and said,
"Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a
Breathalyzer test."
The man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
The cop replied: "I do believe ya, Paddy. But after ya fall flat
on yer drunken mug, it's a lot easier to put the handcuffs on ya."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their
wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a
contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the
contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an
alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so
he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him
into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony
was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded.
"I think I would prefer the traditional service."
The rules at a particular university were such that if
the professor was not present in the classroom by 15
minutes past the hour, the class was considered a
"walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no
penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks
which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable
fashion. As it were, these clocks were not of the most
sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student
discovered that if one were to hit the clock with an
eraser, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
So, it became almost daily practice for these students
to take target practice at the clock (this particular
professor was not the most punctual, and the students
considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well-
aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and
class dismissed itself.
On those occasions, when the professor showed up on time,
the eraer trick came in handy to shorten a one hour lecture
to less than half.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the
professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams,
and told the class, "You have one hour to complete the
examination".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers
from around the room and gleefully took aim at the clock.
When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one
hour, he ended the class and collected the exam papers.
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Light version for Outlook users?
Wednesday, August 17, 2011, 08:34 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, Aug 17
Paul corrected me on the oily rag cans. Today's Canadian Tire
cans apparently have a plastic liner, which could make them
unsuitable.
He found a link to the proper oily rag cans. Those of you,
who have worked in Industry, will recognize the can.
Dear Webby,
For only a few dollars more you can get the proper, and safe can.
Additionally, as a bonus, they are not made in China.
Paul
Thanks Paul!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
|
Everyone thinks of changing the world,
but no one thinks of changing himself.
--- Leo Tolstoy
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim."
--- Paula Poundstone
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture
of their favorite Old Testament bible story. As she moved
around the class, she saw many wonderful drawings being
created.
Then she came to Little Johnny, who had drawn a man driving
an older car, a convertible with 60's style tail fins. In the back
seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
The teacher said, "It's a lovely picture, Johnny, but which bible
story does it tell?"
Little Johnny seemed surprised at the question and said,
"Well, doesn't it say in the BIBLE that God drove Adam
and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury?"
Looks like they are getting picky in Florida!
Help wanted ad in the Orlando, Florida SENTINEL:
Shed delivery person - must be smarter than a large box.
Rainbow while watering the Saskatoon bushes
You can just barely see the second, reverse rainbow above.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Robert C. Harding
Iowa man tries to lure teen and gets mom's fist instead
(CBS/AP) DES MOINES, Iowa - A Des Moines man who allegedly
tried to lure a young girl into an alley, wound up with stitches
and a black eye after the girl's mother took matters into her own
hands, according to authorities.
Polk County police sources say that Robert C. Harding tried
to lure a 13-year-old girl into an alley near where she was playing
with friends outside her home. Instead the smart-thinking
teenager went to get her mom who confronted Harding,
according to CBS affiliate KCCI.
Police say that when the girl's mother, Holly Pullen,
confronted Harding he asked how old the girl was and whether
he could marry her or would be interested in signing the
girl away.
"I got down to the alley and I confronted him. I said, 'Why
are you staring at the kids?' and he looks at me and says,
'I want to marry the red head.' I came unglued at that point.
I was like 'Dude, she's only 13 and that's my daughter,'"
Pullen told the station.
Police said Pullen punched Harding in the face. Then the
girl's father and one of his friends chased Harding and fought
with him, KCCI reported.
By the time police arrived at Fremont Street, the fight was over.
Police questioned Harding who allegedly told them that he was trying
to get the girl into the alley so he could "marry her and sex her."
Police also said he told them he knew the girl was a minor and
that he liked "young girls."
Harding is charged with enticing a minor under the age of 16,
which is punishable up 4 years in prison and a parole violation.
He's being held on $15,000 bond.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Dianne
Re: Make a Blonde version!
Dear Webby,
Why don't you quit your bitching about Blonde Windows and
just make a Blonde version of the Humor Letter? Outlook 2007
can't show more than half of it, if you have images set to
download and show. Other newsletters, that don't have
pictures and color, don't have that problem.
Dianne
Dear Dianne
That is just an old "Undocumented Feature" in Outlook.
Yahoo used to have that problem, where the yahoos
had to hit REPLY or FORWARD to see the bottom half
of long emails. The same trick apparently works for
Outlook 2007 on W7. Just pretend to be a yahoo and
hit REPLY to read the bottom half.
The alternative is to use a better email program or OS.
Eudora still works fine fro Windows 3.1 to Windows 7.
The same goes for most of the good email programs.
For a list of the most popular ones, go to Wikipedia
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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The teacher asked, "Johnny, did somebody help somebody
with your homework last night?"
Little Johnny said, "No, Mom did it all by herself. I didn't have
to help her at all!"
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Math Pancakes
Pancakes are so easy to manipulate into shapes to teach with,
so we are going to start doing plates of multiplication equations.
Maybe one or two a week. I am hoping it will help. I know this
works for the alphabet.
We are also using flash cards but my child doesn't like studying,
bless her heart. She is so not into buckling down with anything,
but she makes good grades though. Multiplication tables takes
on a whole new meaning when they are on the breakfast table.
Maybe she won't know she is studying this way, which is my
goal!
Source: From a teacher a while back!
By Robyn Fed from Hampton, TN
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and
started a fight with the other two men. The police came
and took the drunk guy to jail.The next day the man
went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
The man said, "Here and there."
The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man said, "This and that."
The judge then said, "Take him away."
The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"
The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Some carpenters were working outside the old house and Bill's
wife had just finished washing the floor, when one of the
workmen asked to use the bathroom...
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly
scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," she said, thinking of a quick
solution. "I'll put down some newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already potty-trained."
Two women were paired together as partners in a club
tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your
handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed
that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the
bad ones!
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Tuesday, August 16, 2011, 01:33 PM -
Posted by Administrator
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson?"
The Molson Canadian president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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Tuesday, August 16, 2011, 10:07 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, Aug 16
Dear Webby,
Reguarding the ThriftyFun tip for using linseed oil on shovels
and pitch forks, please remind readers that the rags with
linseed oil on them can spontaneously combust if not stored
or disposed of properly. Here's a link to an check out:
Spontaneous Combustion of rags
baddog
Dear Baddog
Re linseed oil, yes, that is ancient knowledge.
Don't you remember the galvanized tin rag bucket with hinged
lid from your school's woodworking shop,
that had to be carried out and emptied every day?
The reason it had a hinged metal lid was to keep the air
out and the rags from getting hot.
I guess with today's deterioration of education, kids learn
how to freeload and get grants, and all kinds of ways to
mooch off society, but basic common sense stuff has
become a lost art.
I wonder what they do with the tin rag bucket by the
door in the woodworking shop nowadays?
Lee Valley Tools has the standard galvanized rag bucket,
that you see in most woodworking shops, and Canadian Tire
has a stainless steel rag bucket, that is actually cheaper.
Try to spread the word and help keep common sense and safety
from becoming a lost art!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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The greatest of faults, I should say,
is to be conscious of none.
--- Thomas Carlyle
Few people can see genius in someone
who has offended them.
--- Robertson Davies
Thanks to Frank for this:
Driving home after working late the other day, I was stopped
by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was
rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary,
which was the truth.
However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer
said "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the
ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is
paper, right?"
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away
from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the
Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending
me to the land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and
enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted
to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So, in the tradition
of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and
solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too,
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian." So in the tradition
of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to
our sons?
Brothers, we must take this to the Lord." They fell to their knees and
began to pour out their hearts to the Almighty.
As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said,
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to
Israel..."
Thanks to dad for this picture:
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Israel Cortes, 35, of Ewing, NJ
Asleep on the burglary
SOUTH BRUNSWICK, N.J. -- Authorities say a New Jersey
burglary suspect picked the wrong time to fall asleep.
South Brunswick police say officers surprised the alleged
burglars at Big Ed's Restaurant on Route 130 Sunday night.
But when they went inside to investigate, three suspects fled
the scene.
Two eventually were caught with the help of state police and
officers from neighboring Cranbury.
But two hours later, officers searching the restaurant's
basement found -- or rather, heard -- 35-year-old Israel Cortes
of Ewing sleeping and snoring on top of a large refrigeration
unit where he apparently had been hiding.
Police say the suspects had targeted the restaurant to steal
its copper pipes. The business was targeted by the suspects
in order to steal copper pipes to later be sold, police said.
Numerous pipes had already been cut out and were being
prepared for loading into the suspect vehicles, police said.
Recovered from the scene were two Sawzall saws, gloves,
and headlight lamps. The business sustained thousands of
dollars worth of damage from the robbery, police said.
All three were charged with burglary and related crimes
and their vehicles were seized. A fourth suspect remains
at large.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Russ
Re: W7 Outlook problem
Dear Webby,
We just ‘upgraded’ from XP to Windows 7 Professional &
Outlook 2007 and the decision was made by others more
powerful than I.
My issue with your humor letter is Outlook 2007 requires a
separate step to download the pictures (right click, download).
If I read the letter without downloading, I can read through the
complete letter. But after downloading the pictures, I can only
read through a portion of the letter. The end of the letter seems
to be lost, usually starting after the picture that you always share
with your readers.
I receive other newsletters and yours seems to be the only one
with this problem.
Please advise at your convenience.
Thanks,
- Russ
Dear Russ
Sounds like the powerful boneheads didn't consider that
Blonde Windoze needs a lot more RAM.
I can not fix Blonde Windoze or Outlook 2007, and I can't
afford to donate adequate RAM to boneheads.
Since the boneheads are in the minority, regardless of the
hype from Microsoft, I won't be writing a "Light" version
of the Humor Letter in the near future. I will trim down the
ads though, and move them to the Tools page, since nobody
clicks on them anyway.
In the meantime, just use a browser to go to http://webby.com/humor
and see it just like those people, who don't have boneheads
for bosses, see it.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said,
"Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the
fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the
hole.
"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro
finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use a Throw as a Comforter for Toddler Bed
Recently my grandson moved into a toddler bed. The mattress
is the same fit as the crib, but I needed a blanket that fit
the entire bed. I found that the throws that are sold
everywhere are a fit perfect. They come in variety
of colors and patterns. I chose a Thomas the Train
throw. My grandson's favorite.
By xintexas from San Antonio, TX
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel
really good today. I started out this morning with an act of
unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money
to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He even said,
'Thanks.' "
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed
an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby
grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When
do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your
friend comes up to smell the flowers."
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed
woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked
out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
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Monday, August 15, 2011, 10:11 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, Aug 15
It sure was a beautiful weekend!
To help the Saskatoon bushes recover from all the neighbors'
frantic early morning harvesting, I watered them a few times,
and enjoyed the beautiful rainbows.
I'll try to take a picture of one and see how it turns out.
However, I think I will sell that Nikon Coolpix L100 to raise
some cash. If anybody is interested, make me an offer!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
If you can help with the server cost
please donate what you can! |
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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
--- Sidney J. Harris
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation
but would like it to keep in touch.
--- Robert Orben
Thanks to Penny for this report:
MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog,
and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that
the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because
the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco doesn't wan't me to shop there anymore.
Thanks to Ole for this story:
After a frantic caller told the Battle Creek, Michigan, Humane
Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, the
shelter manager, Sven, rushed right over.
Sven inched his way out over nearly 100 feet of ice. As
onlookers stood by, he carefully made his way to the ducks,
and, thankfully, back to safety on the shore.
Both of the wooden decoys are expected to survive.
----------
Is the summer really that cold in Michigan this year?
Some colorful weeds along the edge of my back yard.
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Jennifer Knopp, 39, in Marathon, FL
Called cop to sell dope
If you're seeking help from the cops, it's never a good
idea to call one and ask him if he's interested in buying
some marijuana. But that's what Jennifer Knopp, 39, did
Thursday night, says the Monroe County Sheriff's Office.
Agency officials say Knopp called Deputy Christian Galls
on his SWAT-issued cell phone while he was working at the
Marathon substation at 9:15 p.m. She had his phone number
from a previous case he'd worked involving her, although his
arrest report doesn't go into details.
The report says Knopp told Galls she "had the stuff he was
looking for," meaning "crippie, a slang term known as a potent
form of marijuana." She asked how much he wanted, and he
said a quarter-ounce.
Galls told her he'd call her back, then told narcotics detectives
about the phone call. He called Knopp back and agreed to meet
her at the Marathon Community Theatre, about a mile from the
Sheriff's Office.
Galls headed to the theater along with Deputy Paul Bean and,
when they parked and walked up to her 1999 Chrysler Concord,
she drove away "over two plastic parking rails." Galls and Bean
ran back to their cars and pulled Knopp over a short time later.
In her car was Christopher Flingos, 42. He refused to be
searched and was released right there.
Meanwhile, Knopp reportedly told Galls she had pot in her purse
and, sure enough, the report says, the deputies found 24.5 grams
of it inside. When Galls asked her why she would offer to sell pot
to a cop, she reportedly said she hoped he would help her get
away from Flingos. She said "she didn't know what else to say,"
the report says.
To confirm she made the earlier call, Galls dialed her phone number
and an iPhone in her purse rang. The cop's name and number
showed on the screen. Knopp was charged with possessing
marijuana.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Suzanne
Re: Compacting mail
Dear Webby,
Under my Outlook Express email, there's a choice for
'File, Folders, Compact, Compact All Folders'. Would
you please shed some light on any advantage in
compacting email folders?
It sounds like something to save space, so is it
something I should be doing?
Thanks very much.
Suzanne
ps: you've got the best newsletter going, I love it,
every bit, and am faced every day with the difficult
decision of opening it first or saving it for last.
Thanks again.
Suzanne
Dear Suzanne
Most email programs compact mail either automatically
or via a command like that. Compacting the mail is
similar to the Defrag you can do to the hard drive.
It's a good idea to compact your mail now and then.
Rumors, that frequent compacting of the mail will
eliminate the inevitable Outlook Express and Outlook
crashes, are unfortunately not true.
The only way you can postpone the inevitable crashes
of those two programs is by keeping the IN, OUT and TRASH
folders trimmed down as much as possible.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Driving down the highway one day, I saw this slogan on the
back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle:
"We Always Go the Extra Mile."
Then I noticed another phrase scrawled in the dirt just below it:
"We keep missing the right Exit."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use Linseed Oil to Treat Garden Handles
Rub the handles of of pitchforks and shovels once in awhile
with a rag dipped in linseed oil. You'll find the shafts both last
longer and are much more pleasant to use.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Some wacky definitions.
SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd
look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people
stewed.
EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is
everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater
that isn't a western.
MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you
what's coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are
permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire
department and places that deliver.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and
instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get
it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an
adult so that the adults who are out can behave like
teen-agers.
TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns
red when your car approaches.
PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough
to find his way out of the woods.
PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch
things happen, and the majority has no idea what's
happened.
SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
A man traveling down a country road was forced to
stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.
Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?"
the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as
the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had
to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to
the surface. As his head broke the surface the man
yelled to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely
drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only comes up chest-high on my ducks!"
GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or
plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use
holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water,
steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended
as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long
pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a
long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe
or a very long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large
pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small
pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure
to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the
wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water
will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread,
but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed
on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
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Paypal credit card info request
Sunday, August 14, 2011, 09:53 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, Aug 14
The Saskatoon berries are ripening nicely. I picked
enough to make half a dozen small jars of jam, but then
neighbors and visitors got to them. One neighbor even
brought me fresh salad and parsley and carrots!
No panic, there are still plenty of berries, that will ripen
over the next week or so.
In one of the Saskatoon bushes I found a goose berry
bush. Those will take another two weeks, and I am really
looking forward to them.
Also found a dogwood bush in there. Pretty, shiny, red berries,
but as far as I know, not edible. It looks like birds seeded
them, while they were snacking on my berries.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"Bigamy is having one wife to many.
Monogamy is the same"
--- Oscar Wilde
"Marriage is the punishment for the fun you had
as a bachelor."
--- Socratex
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the
captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has
failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an
hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has
failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't
worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed
and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don't worry
- we still have one engine left."
A Kansas Beauty turned to the man in the next seat and
remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
What does a Mississippian say when you ask them to spell
'Mississippi'?
"The state or the river?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Marvin Lane Ussery, 48
Former inmate arrested for breaking into jail
Marvin Lane Ussery was spotted while trying to make his
way back into California State Prison in Sacramento. He
previously served time for robbery at New Folsom.
You would think once being let out on parole in 2009 the
48-year-old wouldn't be keen for a return trip, but he was
caught by Corrections Sergeant Tony Quinn scaling a
7ft tall fence, topped with barbed wire, trying to get
back behind bars.
Officials are now investigating whether Ussery's bizarre
behaviour was part of a plan to smuggle in drugs or
mobile phones, but have found no evidence as yet.
If his intention was simply to return to a prison cell,
the 48-year-old has now got his wish, and is now
being held in Sacramento County Jail on suspicion
of violating his parole and being an ex-convict on
prison property.
Prison spokesman Tony Quinn told KCRA.com:
'The only statement he made to investigators is that
he wanted to reminisce. It must have been a great
time for him.'
He added that officials at the prison 'quickly realised'
they were not dealing with an escapee after
discovering Ussery.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Stan
Re: Paypal credit card info request
Dear Webby,
I got a notice from Paypal to reconfirm my credit card, and
I did. But then I got another one to another one of my email
addresses. By that time I realized that neither of those
addresses are the one I use at PayPal.
I guess I got took!
Now what?
Stan
Dear Stan
Yes, you forgot what I had warned about a many times.
PayPal will NEVER send out a mail asking you
to enter credit card information in a mail form.
The REAL PayPal does that on a secure form at their site.
Always close all browsers and open a fresh one before
doing anything serious at PayPal.
You donated your credit card info to some crooks. They may
be grateful, as they spend your money, and think about you.
But don't count on that.
About all you can do is call your credit card company and
tell them that you gave your credit card info to some crooks.
They will then put a block on that card and issue you a new
one. As long as you report it on the same day, they usually
just bounce any charges made on that card on that day. With
some of them, though, you may have to do some arguing.
I would strongly advise that you do the arguing soonest,
like RIGHT NOW!
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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Clerk in flower shop: "Sorry, we don't have potted
geraniums. Could you use African violets?"
Customer (sadly): "No, it was geraniums my wife
told me to water while she was gone. I think,
shw would notice the difference."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Use an Exfoliating Glove For Cleaning
To clean in between the faucet and knobs in the bathroom,
use an exfoliating glove from the dollar store. It works great
on the tub faucet and in the kitchen too.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
A farmer who has been involved in a terrible road
accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting
for a big compensation claim. "I understand your
claiming damages for the injuries you supposed to have
suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance
company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his
head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have
a signed police statement that says that when the
attending police officer asked you how you were
feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my
life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but..." stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," council interrupted
quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's council to ask him
questions. "Please tell the court the exact
circumstance of events following the accident when you
made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my
horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my
poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along,
takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he
goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead
too.
Then he come straight over to me, smoking gun in his hand,
and asked me how I was feeling.
Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Sign at cafeteria entrance:
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Scribbled underneath:
Socks can eat any place they want.
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a
robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the
party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence
and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and
finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to
tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has
been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if hubby
lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies
that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They
insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the
door and there sits their police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting in jail.
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Saturday, August 13, 2011, 09:35 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, Aug 13
What stopped the riots in England?
The police credit the wisdom of the politicians for beeing too
busy making speeches and claiming credit and not having time
left over for interfering with police.
What was new and different was the extremely fast organization
of racial vigilante groups, who chased the yobs out of their
areas and dispersed them.
Yes, racial!
When the yobs saw solid lines of Sikhs, not masked, but carrying
baseball bats and pick handles, they ran. The same with groups
of Muslims, and also mixed groups of immigrants, who simply
did not allow looting and burning and rioting in their neighborhoods,
and showed the yobs, that they were a lot more serious about
neighborhood protection, than the yobs were for recreational
violence.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing — that's why we recommend it daily.
--- Zig Ziglar
"Some people are born on third base and go through life
thinking they hit a triple."
--- Barry Switzer
A man was eating a meal at a restaurant. He checks his pockets and
leaves his tip -- three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his
waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot
about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh,
really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man."
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
The old town blacksmith realised he couldn't work so
hard anymore. He picked out strong young Chuck Deville
to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was impatient and exacting.
"Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told Chuck,
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the
forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my
head, hit it real good and hard."
Chuck is no longer an apprentice.
Thanks to Lillemor for this picure:
One of our cactuses bloomed today
Lillemor
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Thomas Fortenberry, 30, Pasadena
Honey-Soaked Naked Girls Were Filmed By Pastor
Statute of limitations saves Texan pastor from prosecution
AUGUST 8--Using a hidden video camera, a Texas man filmed
four naked, honey-drenched teenage girls while they showered
at a church in 2007, where he worked as a youth pastor.
But since the statute of limitations has already expired,
prosecutors today were forced to dismiss felony charges lodged
against Thomas Fortenberry, who allegedly did the surreptitious
filming in November 2007 at the Greater Harvest Community
Church in Pasadena.
The 30-year-old Fortenberry, investigators alleged, organized
a “Fear Factor” game that included honey being poured over
four girls he had picked to participate. After the contest,
Fortenberry instructed the minors that they “could take a shower
and wash the honey” off their bodies.
It was at this point that he allegedly videotaped the four teenagers
with a camera he had hidden in the church bathroom.
Investigators learned about the filming from one of the girls, who
eventually went on to date Fortenberry. “When they became closer
and it looked like they might be married,” Fortenberry, pictured above,
told the victim, now 21, “that he had secretly videotaped her taking a
shower” at the church.
The woman, who was 17 at the time of the “Fear Factor” incident,
added that Fortenberry confessed to secretly videotaping three
other girls (two 15-year-olds and a 17-year-old). When confronted
by a police officer, Fortenberry would not deny having filmed the
teenagers. “The defendant would only say that he has done things
that he should not have done.”
Either way, Texas prosecutors today announced that they could
not pursue charges against Fortenberry since the incident
occurred more than three years ago, beyond the statute of
limitations for the improper photography/visual recording count.
The felony complaints, which were filed against Fortenberry
on August 4, were dismissed today by the Harris County
District Attorney’s office.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Calla
Re: Making icons
Dear Webby
I need to make a bunch of icons for vision impaired people.
Yes, I know there are tons of icons hidden in Windows and
wherever, but I have to make new ones. What program do you
recommend for that? The machines are all XP.
Calla
Dear Calla
Icons are just .bmp pictures renamed to .ico
Paint your icons 32 x 32 pixels,
save them as .BMP files,
and then rename them by using the file explorer to .ICO.
Then you can highlight a shortcut, select properties,
chanege Icon and select your just made .ico picture.
There are programs available for making icons, some quite
expensive, but all you really need is any graphics program,
that will let you save files as .BMP.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no
fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil
witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only
one word each year. However, he could save up the words
so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the
following year he was allowed to speak two words (this
was before the time of letter writing or sign
language).
One day he met a beautiful woman (ruby lips, golden
hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the
greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking
for two whole years so that he could look at her and
say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he
wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this
he waited three more years without speaking (bringing
the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he
had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four
years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy
knew no bounds. Leading the lovely lady to the most
secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal
garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her
lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said
huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the lady tucked a strand of golden hair behind
a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and
parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
So he threw her into the moat and married her deaf sister,
who did not expect any speeches.
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Transfer Patterns with Vinyl Tablecloth
Use dollar store plastic or vinyl tablecloths to transfer
sewing or craft patterns onto. They last a lot longer
by doing this.
By fossil1955 from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie's
house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman
said that he was lost in the park... and couldn't find
his way home.
"Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park
for over 30 years! How come you get lost today?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't
hear, grandpa whispered, "I wasn't lost . . . I was just too
tired to walk home."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
Thanks to Tina for this story:
In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he
encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other
customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the
homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the
way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked
out to get the mail.
As my husband approached the tv, he saw a note taped to
the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers
before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."
Thanks to Km for this one:
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents
how to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian
couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the
baby like an egg roll?"
Yes, I replied, that was a good analogy.
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said
anxiously. "Can I wrap mine like a burrito?"
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Thursday, August 11, 2011, 10:08 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, Aug 11
Does that look like the gene pool needs more chlorine?
Monika Konczyk,32, a recent immigrant from Poland,
jumping from her apartment, after rioters set the ground floor
shops on fire.
She was caught by a Romanian man named Adrian.
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DearWebby
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The truth is rarely pure and never simple.
--- Oscar Wilde
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men
whose wives think they are out having fun.
--- Jim Bishop
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked
"How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!"
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
In a hat shop a salesgirl gushed, "That's the hat for you!
It makes you look ten years younger."
"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly
can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"
Thanks to Sue for this picture:
Estern Kingbird
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!
An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Lorena Tavera, with and without $2000 make-over
Lorena Tavera, 21, in El Paso
However, she is known to police and they had no problem
recognizing her.
Former Miss El Paso USA arrested for shoplifting
A local beauty queen was arrested for shoplifting Friday for
allegedly taking a $69 shirt from the Dillard's at Sunland
Park Mall.
El Paso police arrested Miss El Paso USA 2008 Lorena Tavera
at 6:45 p.m. Friday after store employees reported the theft.
The workers told police that Tavera, 21, took the shirt and
hid it in a plastic shopping bag before walking out without
paying for it.
Employees stopped Tavera outside the store and had her
wait until police arrived.
Tavera faces a charge of theft for an item over $50 but
under $500. She also had two outstanding traffic warrants.
Jail records show she was booked into the El Paso County
Jail early Saturday and released Saturday afternoon after
posting bond, which totaled $728.
A reporter from Channel 9-KTSM who contacted Tavera
on Monday quoted her as saying details of the incident
were "misconstrued, and it's twisted." She declined further
comment to the station, telling them she needed to contact
her lawyer.
According to a biography posted online, Tavera attends
the University of Texas at El Paso and hopes to start a
marketing company to promote fashion designers.
Tavera was also crowned Miss El Paso Teen USA in 2006.
Two years later, after winning the Miss El Paso USA pageant,
she placed sixth at the Miss Texas USA pageant.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Joe
Re: Mailing Address
Dear Webby
Send me a mailing an address and i will make contribution.
Joe
Dear Joe
I am not hiding!
My mailing address has always been near the
left bottom corner of the Humor Letter.
Webby
Box 646
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Canada
If Hotmail cuts it off before you get down that far,
you can always browse to the Online copy at
http://webby.com/humor
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room
of a famous specialist.
"So, who did you see before coming to me?"
asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless nonsense did he con you into?"
"He told me to come and see you."
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Reuse Cardboard From Tissue Box
Open up the glued end of an empty large tissue box so it is
now flat. Trim off the logo area. You can use the plain white
area if you wish. Trim off ends and save them. You can get
three tiny gift tags from the ends. You can make 4 cards,
1 bookmark, and 24 tiny tags from a single box or 7 cards
and 21 tags from one box!
For gift tags, punch a small hole in the top and add a ribbon
to tie on to the gift. Attach a ribbon to the top of your bookmark
the same way. Not all boxes measure the same, so don't worry
if you don't come up with the same cuts or think you made
a mistake.
By duckie-do from Cortez, CO
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
If you like the ThriftyFun.com list, you can vote for it here:
Our neighbour used the word hypochondriac to describe the
phase her teen-age daughter was going though.
One day the girl was convinced that the pain on her left side
was appendicitis.
Her mother explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So that's why it hurts to much," her daughter wailed.
"My appendicitis is on the wrong side."
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed.
one of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster
went into the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other
end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll
have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the
end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a
commie and union organizer, and we don't serve his kind
around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I
wouldn't be here. You remember when the mine that caved ?
Well I was in the mine and so was that guy. When the last of
us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his
head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at
the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding
the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and
then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot
on his head but I also couldn't help noticing a big huge bruise
under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
Earl says he used to yearn for a pretty women.
Now the "Y" is silent.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011, 06:28 PM -
,
Posted by Administrator
Ray Stevens and the Obama Budget
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=J6TcpfBHlbs
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011, 04:04 PM -
Posted by Administrator
The Government wants more money? Why don't they try selling candy bars like the Boy Scouts do?
Many people will spend the summer occupied with fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and in politics a worm uses you.
A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.
It takes less time to do something right than to explain why you did it wrong.
The things you tell your teenagers don't reach them 'til they're in their 40s.
He who lives without discipline dies without honor.
I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.
I need some duck tape . . . my duck has a quack in it.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
The more you say, the less people remember.
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
Practice courtesy. You never know when it might become popular again.
Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.
It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.
The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you.
The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.
Don't judge, you idiot.
Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.
Everything on land is within walking distance.
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places.
We're not truly happy until we focus on others.
Sarcasm: an ingenious way of making intelligent people feel stupid.
Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.
Life is a bowl of cherries . . . overpriced and only available at certain times.
A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.
Funny that most of our best-sellers are written at a 9th-grade reading level.
Small talk is one step down from no talk.
If it weren't for humor, we might never get at the truth.
To understand politics, we must read between the lies.
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Hard to read text on many sites
Wednesday, August 10, 2011, 10:58 AM
Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, Aug 10
NATO bombing in Libya?
Nah, just routine riots in London, England.
Unlike Gadafi's evil cops, who were roughing up arsonists,
looters and shooters, the English cops are keeping their
cool. I guss they don't want Gadafi to call for NATO to
bomb London.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
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"For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies."
--- Laurence Sterne
Yeah, but I am tough, Sterne,
and your English stinks!
Thanks to Gord for this one:
Over dinner, my wife said to me, "I met this horrible and rude
man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a
troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad
language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" I asked, very concerned.
She said, "Well, we met by accident, I knocked his wheelchair
over with the car in the parking lot."
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said,
"In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily,
"What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
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An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
goes to
Deborah Hunt, 43, in Langport, England
V stupid drunk driver
A WOMAN drink-driver flicks a V-sign yesterday -
after admitting tearing 23 miles down a motorway fast lane in
the wrong direction.
Uninsured Deborah Hunt, 43 - who was 2˝ times the booze
limit - nearly smashed into a cop car at 60mph and ignored
chasing police.
The jobless mum-of-three stopped on the M5 hard shoulder near
Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset, only when she ran out of petrol.
Hunt, of nearby Langport, wept as she admitted dangerous and
drink-driving and being uninsured.
North Somerset magistrates bailed her until sentencing on
August 30.
From the Tech Support Pits:
From: Remy
Re: Hard to read text on many sites
Dear Webby
A lot of web sites are using a black or midnight-blue
page background. That makes their normally navy
colored text unreadable. How can anybody be that stupid ?
And how can I read their text anyway?
Remy
Dear Remy
Most likely you have your browser set to use YOUR color
choices for text and for links.
Click in your browser on
TOOLS
Internet Options
Accessibility
In there take off the checkmarks.
That allows the browser to use the text and link colors
specified by the webmaster of the site that you are visiting.
If they use a blak background, then most likely they
specified a silver or white text.
Have FUN!
DearWebby
AD #2
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From Cindy
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of
day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of
coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his
coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers
having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee,
notices that the container is empty.
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him
cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As
she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream
are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes
and creamer packets in her bra because both her hands
are full. After she has served the two plates she was
holding, she returns to the man and asks him,
"How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two would be fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes
and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I
don't think so!"
----------------
That must have been way over in the East !
A Western Gentleman would have offered to assist
her with the search for cream!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com
Organize Coupons In Card Sheet Protectors
I was having a hard time keeping up with my coupons.
So a friend of mine bought me a binder for my birthday,
and I bought a pack of baseball card holder sleeves and
a pack of dividers. Now I am so organized it's scary.
My son says what is scary is that I actually know what
coupons I have! It's a race to see how many I can use
before they expire. I also have a steno pad where I write
down for each store what I will use with a coupon.
Source: Money Saving Mom
By Paula from Weldon
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
http://www.thriftyfun.com/
Check out ThriftyFun's Blog at http://www.myfrugallife.com
Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day,
or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here:ThriftyFun
Highly recommended!
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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do
that for years!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
No sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double-opt-in confirmation request. |
The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came
to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in
the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked.
"A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll
dissolve anything."
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud,
"What'll you keep it in?"
TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise
with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have
ulterior motives?
5. Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why
can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for
us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization
of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent
sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just
to let them know who's boss!
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