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Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, September 13

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
3 Pennsylvania women arrested for strong-arm robbery
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 13 in
1759 The French were defeated by the British on the 
Plains of Abraham in the final French and Indian War. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault. --- Henry Kissinger (1923 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To pull out all his savings before the inlaws get at them ?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ From Lorna: Government Office Rules 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, take a break. 5) If it's the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) If it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's Friday, forget it! ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jaijah White, 25, Stephanie Parise, 21, Queana Zemba,21, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania 3 Pennsylvania women arrested for strong-arm robbery One woman is accused of holding a victim by the hair while three others punched her in the face early Saturday in Harrisburg. Police said they were called to the 200 block of Locust Street at 12:59 a.m. Saturday by a woman who said four women attacked her and took her money. The victim had a swollen and bleeding eye. Three of the four have been charged with two counts of robbery and one of disorderly conduct: Stephanie Parise, 21, of the 500 block of Benyou Lane, New Cumberland; Jaijah Nichole White, 25, of the 200 block of North Harrisburg Street, Steelton; and Queana Zemba, 21, of the 6400 block of Terrace Court. Harrisburg. Police said witnesses told them Parise held the victim by her hair as White, Zemba, and an unknown female struck her repeatedly. White is also accused of taking the victim's wallet and removing her money. Zemba is in Dauphin County prison in lieu of $5,000 bail, while Parise and White posted $5,000 bail. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Lee Re: Friends List Dear Webby, In reference to Doris not getting the humor letter, you suggested having her put humor@webby.com into her friends list or white list. I'm not too sharp on computer lingo, explain friends list and white list. Thanks Lee Dear Lee All spam control programs and most email programs have a list of authorized addresses. Some call it address book, some call it White-List, some call it Friends-List. When an address is in that list, then mail from that address is not checked with the regular junk-mail filters. Dedicated programs like MailWasher let you make very sophisticated filters quite easily using the built in filter maker, and even arrange the filters by seniority. Keep in mind, once a piece of mail has been judged good or bad, it won't be judged again by filters further down the list. Don't sort them alphabetically, but by their priority. For example, move a filter that judges all mail from your daughter as good, up to the top, and a filter, that judges all mail that has the name of a certain pill, way down. That way, even if she jokes about that pill, it will be OK, since her mail has already been judged as good. As long as you keep seniority or priority in mind, filters are really easy and predictable. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ross for this story and picture: A sweet little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with endless hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in around the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....” She thought to herself, I know all about milk & dairy farms... I can do this! She sent in her entry & about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out & said "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it." Her entry is here:
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Berry Lime Sorbet By Holly805 [13 Posts, 10 Comments] This sorbet is a sweet, slightly tart treat, that is perfect for the end of summer. It is non-fat and also has reduced sugar content. A honey syrup with whole fruit enhances the consistency and adds natural sweetness. No ice cream maker needed! Perfect for someone looking for a healthier alternative to store bought ice cream or sorbet. Prep Time: 20 min Total Time: Chill overnight Yield: 6-8 1/2 cup servings Source: Trial and error. :) Ingredients: 1/4 cup lime juice 1/3-1/2 cup honey 24 oz frozen mixed berries (1/2 of a 3 pound bag) 2 small frozen bananas, sliced 2 tsp lime zest 2-3 Tbsp almond milk (optional) Steps: Zest and juice 3 to 4 limes. Measure the honey and add with lime juice to a small saucepan over medium low heat. Bring to a low bubble and simmer for two minutes, whisking occasionally. This makes a simple syrup, the necessary element for a smooth texture. Set out the frozen fruit to soften while the syrup simmers. Cool the syrup slightly. Add 1/2 the berries and the banana slices to the blender (the bananas enhance the consistency and cannot be tasted in the finished sorbet). Pour in the steaming syrup over the fruit. The heat from the syrup will soften the fruit enough for blending. Add the lime zest and puree on high, mixing as needed. When the mixture is smooth, stir in the remaining berries. Puree, adding 2-3 Tbsp. almond milk if additional liquid is needed to blend the fruit. Pour the mixture into a freezer safe storage container and freeze for two hours. Next, transfer the partially frozen mixture to a bowl. Beat until the overall consistency is smooth. Freeze for another two hours and repeat this process. The mixture should be more thick, like soft served ice cream. This mimics the churning process of an ice cream maker, which prevents large ice crystals from forming and ruining the scoop-able consistency. Freeze the sorbet for an additional 3-4 hours or overnight. Prior to serving, set the sorbet out to soften for about three minutes. It should scoop easily into nice, compact servings. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
And you thought 6th grade band was boring
____________________________________________________ From Candy My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us. Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "after September 10, all work will be supervised by my wife and 5 children." ___________________________________________________
An unusual hotel in a nature reserve.
___________________________________________________ A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ From Donna Enjoy your newsletter everyday and always seem to get a chuckle. There you were today picking on us Southerners for calling all soft drinks a Coke...which by the way is almost always true. Made me think of an incident one year while on vacation in Hawaii. We stopped at a Burger King for a quick lunch and I ordered a mustard whopper and the guy behind the counter said "you must be from Texas". Seems Texans were the only ones who ordered them that way. Donna From Dennis Dear Webby I got a big kick out of the little addition you tacked on to the story about ordering sodas at the movies. I spent my college years in Tennessee and heard that conversation many times. In my area, you had to first ask for a cold drink (that's pronounced "cole drank"). If you didn't specify "coke", you were handed whatever brand of beer happened to be in the fridge (which would have the catch-all tag of "Bud"). Or, you could specify "coke" and then further qualify your choice. The other language barrier issue that most amused/irritated me had to do with hats. I'm from Upstate New York, so if someone mentioned a toboggan, I would think of a sled made of laminated wood, ten or twelve feet long with a curved-up end. In Tennessee, a toboggan is the hat you wear while riding a sled made of laminated wood, ten or twelve feet long with a curved-up end. Thanks for the chuckle on the walk own Memory Lane Dennis From Susan Webby, Thanks for doing a great job. I know it takes a lot of effort, and it's appreciated. -- Susan ___________________________________________

Today, Sept 13, in 
1759 The French were defeated by the British on the Plains
of Abraham in the final French and Indian War. 

1789 The United States Government took out its first loan. 

1847 U.S. forces took the hill Chapultepec during the
Mexican-American War. 

1862 During the American Civil War General Lee's Order No.
191 was found by federal soldiers in Maryland. 

1898 Hannibal Williston Goodwin patented celluloid
photographic film, which is used to make movies. 

1922 In El Azizia, Libya, the highest shade temperature was
recorded at 136.4 degrees Fahrenheit. 

1935 Aviator Howard Hughes, Jr., of Houston, set a new
airspeed record of 352 mph with his H-1 airplane (Winged
Bullet). 

1943 Chiang Kai-shek became the president of China. 

1959 The Soviet Union's Luna 2 became the first space probe
to reach the moon. It was launched the day before. 

1960 The U.S. Federal Communications Commission banned
payola. 

1971 In New York, National Guardsmen stormed the Attica
Correctional Facility and put an end to the four-day revolt.
A total of 43 people were killed in the final assault. A
committee was organized to investigate the riot on September
30, 1971. 

1971 The World Hockey Association was formed. 

1977 The first US made diesel automobiles were introduced by
General Motors. Europeans had them since the 50's because of
gasoline shortages.

1981 U.S. Secretary of State Alexander M. Haig said the U.S.
had physical evidence that Russia and its allies used
poisonous biological weapons in Laos, Cambodia and
Afghanistan. 

1988 Forecasters reported that Hurricane Gilbert's
barometric pressure measured 26.13. It was the strongest
hurricane ever recorded in the Western Hemisphere. 

1993 Israel and Palestine signed their first major
agreement. Palestine was granted limited self-government in
the Gaza Strip and in Jericho. 

1994 U.S. President Bill Clinton signed a $30 billion crime
bill into law. 

1998 The New York Times closed its Web site after hackers
added offensive material. 

2001 U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell named Osama bin
Laden as the prime suspect in the terror attacks on the
United States on September 11, 2001. Limited commercial
flights resumed in the U.S. for the first time in two days. 
I remember that. I was supposed to fly to Tennessee on Sept
12. Got to fly on Sept 13. The pilot on the first flight ran
away. It took them over an hour to find a different one.
That caused me to miss the connecting flight from Toronto to
Nahsville. When I finally got to Nashville, the airport was
totally empty and echoing my steps. Scary! 
Didn't stop me, though. 

2017  smiled.


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Which antivirus program to choose 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, September 12

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
DAM STUPID stag-do Brit arrested after
swimming across Hoover dam reservoir near the dam 
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 12 in
1922 The Episcopal Church removed the word "Obey" from the
bride's section of wedding vows. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. --- R. Buckminster Fuller (1895 - 1983) What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. --- Oscar Levant ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh", ... I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Tina knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at her, and said, "Tina, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Arron Hughes North Wales Britain DAM STUPID stag-do Brit arrested after swimming across Hoover dam reservoir near the dam Any idiot knows that swimming on the dam side of the floats, that catch drift wood, kayaks, air mattresses and capsized boats, is highly illegal and will likely get you shot at. Since September 11, 2001, they are VERY concerned about possible terrorist attacks, and they even built that fantastic Multi Billion dollar bridge to detour traffic away from the dam. Arron Hughes, while on a drinking tour with his friends, ignored the signs and got into the water on the dam side of the floats, and swam across the reservoir. Since the water is drawn via those cute towers, not via a hole in the bottom of the dam, there is no current near the dam. The idea is that silt and gravel will settle there and reinforce the dam. Eventually the water depth will be twelve to twenty feet, not 700, and a breach would not be catastrophic. As is, if that dam is breached, it would cause a hundred foot high killer tsunami for a hundred miles, and flooding all the way to the coast. So quite naturally, since 9/11/2001 they are VERY concerned about security at the dam. After this idiot took half an hour to swim across, while in the cross-hairs of a whole bunch of snipers, he promptly got arrested and hauled in for interrogation. They realized he was just a drunk tourist and fined him $330. I would imagine that next time he will obey the signs and swim upstream of the driftwood and kayak catcher floats like everybody else. Once he realizes that he was "designated target" for half an hour, and that if one of the snipers got an itchy finger, all of them would shoot, he will probably vow to never swim near a dam again. He was apparently 50 - 100 meters from the dam, which just barely saved him from getting perforated. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Richi Re: Which antivirus? Dear Webby, i have a ? about antivirus, i see that you reccommend mc affee , isnt maleware bytes good enough for the computer? whats the difference? tyvm for all the time and help Dear Richi Yes, if you have Malwarebytes, that is all you need. However, some people are hooked on McAfee or want to save a few dollars. Because McAfee is getting squeezed out by Malwarebytes, they are getting desperate and lowering their prices. Personally, I have used McAfee since the mid 80's, but last Christmas got totally fed up with their idiot Taliban support, after my machine died and I had to activate an old Windows 7 PRO machine. McAfee would not work on that, and their totally useless Taliban just pissed me off. The only usable advice I got from them was to try Malwarebytes. I did, and it was like a Chinook in winter! A week later I put ads for Malwarebytes onto my site. It is entirely up to you what you are going to use. However, you definitely don't need both. Just select one and get used to that one. Have FUN! DearWebby

The Test: Q: What do you put in a toaster? * * * * A: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question. *** Q: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink? * * * * A: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over- stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question. *** Q: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with? * * * * A: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next question. *** Q: Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?" * * * * A: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question. *** Q: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour? * * * * A: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question. *** Q: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver? * * * * A: Ask your mom what your name is!
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Painting Tables and Chairs Put plastic lids under each leg to help catch drips when painting. It's also good to put newspaper down, but the plastic lids will keep paint from soaking through the newspaper and staining the floor when applying paint to the legs. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
Twerk it LiNeMan
____________________________________________________ >From Kara I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb." Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Ma'am, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?" I told him I would prefer a tubular one. It's easy in the South. There everything is a "Coke". You hear conversations like this: "... and a Coke." "Wha kine?" "7-Up" ___________________________________________________
Realistic pencil drawings.
___________________________________________________ A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this confession: One year my mom went to my sister's house for a traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 12, in 
1609 English explorer Henry Hudson sailed down what is now
known as the Hudson River. 

1814 During the War of 1812, the Battle of North Point was
fought in Maryland. 

1873 The first practical typewriter was sold to customers. 

1914 The first battle of Marne ended when the allied forces
stopped the German offensive in France. 

1916 Adelina and August Van Buren finished the first
successful transcontinental motorcycle tour to be attempted
by two women. They started in New York City on July 5, 1916.


1918 During World War I, At the Battle of St. Mihiel, U.S.
Army personnel operate tanks for the first time. The tanks
were French-built. 

1922 The Episcopal Church removed the word "Obey" from the
bride's section of wedding vows. 

1938 In a speech, Adolf Hitler demanded self-determination
for the Sudeten Germans in Czechoslovakia. 

1940 The Lascaux paintings were discovered in France. The
cave paintings were 17,000 years old and were some of the
best examples of art from the Paleolithic period. 

1943 During World War II, Benito Mussolini was taken by
German paratroopers from the Italian government that was
holding him. 

1944 U.S. Army troops entered Germany, near Trier, for the
first time during World War II. 

1953 U.S. Senator John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee
Bouvier. 

1953 Nikita Krushchev was elected as the first secretary of
the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. 

1954 "Lassie" made its television debut on CBS. The last
show aired on September 12, 1971. 

1974 Violence occurred on the opening day of classes in
Boston, MA, due opposition to court-ordered school "busing."

1974 Emperor Haile Selassie was taken out of power by
Ethiopia's military after ruling for 58 years. 

1977 South African anti-apartheid activist Stephen Biko died
at the age of 30. The student leader died while in police
custody which triggered an international outcry. 

1983 Arnold Schwarzenegger became a U.S. citizen. He had
emigrated from Austria 14 years earlier. 

1991 The space shuttle Discovery took off on a mission to
deploy an observatory that was to study the Earth's ozone
layer. 

1992 Police in Peru captured Shining Path founder Abimael
Guzman. 

1992 Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first African-American
woman in space. She was the payload specialist aboard the
space shuttle Endeavor. Also onboard were Mission Specialist
N. Jan Davis and Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Mark C. Lee.
They were the first married couple to fly together in space.
And, Mamoru Mohri became the first Japanese person to fly
into space. 

2009 Steve Jobs announced that Apple's iTunes had 88% of the
legal U.S. music download market.

2017  smiled.


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Emailing Photoshop pictures 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, September 11
Remember 9/11 !

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Day care workers stop creep from running off 
with 2 tots. Cops tenderize and arrest him.
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 11 in
1609 Explorer Henry Hudson sailed into New York harbor and
discovered Manhattan Island and the Hudson River. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The best time to plant an oak tree was twenty-five years ago. The second best time is today. --- James Carville When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you dream of being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ From deep inside the automobile there came a dreadful curse, A man was trying to fold the map, The way is was at first. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Ellen for this one: One of my picture frames was broken, and I decided to try my hand at repairing it. A screw was missing in one corner, so I called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" I asked. "What size do you need?" "I don't know, but it's rather small." The man sighed. "Ma'am, we have 'itsy-bitsy' size screws for a dollar and 49 cents in a package of 10, and we have 'teeny-weeny' size screws , also for a dollar and 49 cents in a package of 10. I can give you a special deal and sell you both packages for two dollars and fifty cents.'" ______________________________________________________ Note the female captain! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Calvin Davis, 47, Newark, Delaware Day care workers stop creep from running off with 2 tots. Cops tenderize and arrest him. Day care workers in Delaware stopped a man from walking off with two babies after the stranger shoved his way into the facility and grabbed the infants, state police said Friday. The man rang the front doorbell at Happy Kids Academy in Newark and pushed a worker to get into the facility, police spokesman Sgt. Richard Bratz said. The man went to the infant room, punched another worker in the face, and picked up two infants, putting one under each arm. When the man tried to leave with the babies, one of the workers stood in front of the door to stop him, police said. The other worker went behind the man and grabbed one baby. The first worker then caught the second baby as the child began slipping from the suspect’s arm. The suspect ran from the day care, punching a car in the parking lot, Bratz said. State and county police officers saw the man and ordered him to stop walking and show his hands, police said. The man refused to obey the officers’ orders, Bratz said, and one officer shot him with a Taser. The man continued to approach the officer, police said, and the officer tripped on a curb and fell backward. The officer again deployed the Taser, authorities said, but the man continued to approach the officer. The officer then hit Davis for a while with a baton, and was able to eventually take him into custody, Bratz said. Calvin Davis, 47, of Newark was taken to a hospital for evaluation. When he is released, Bratz said, Davis will be charged with kidnapping, assault and various other offenses. The mug shot seems to be from previous arrests. The injured officer was taken to a hospital. One of the two babies sustained a minor cut. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Chris Re: Mailing photoshop pictures Dear Webby, Good morning and I hope this finds you and yours well. My husband sent me a group of pictures from his laptop at work. It's in Adobe Photoshop files and I can't open the attachment. I get the box with the red X that says it was unable to open the program because 'qt-mt.dll' wasn't found and that I should reinstall it. I'm clueless at this point, can you tell me what that program is and how/where I go to install it. I have downloaded the photoshop, but still it isn't working. Thanks for the jokes, pictures, and teck help. Have a great and safe weekend! Chris Dear Chris Ask hubby to save the files as JPG and then send them again. Have FUN! DearWebby

>From James Le Petit Chef
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pickle Popsicles By SHARON [16 Posts, 34 Comments] These popsicles are made from pickle juice. My grandkids love them. Pour the pickle juice in Popsicle molds, and freeze. The kids love them, and even my pregnant niece loves them. Source: They sell them at my grandson's T-ball games. By branbrumom from Vian, OK ____________________________________________________
Puppet sings to Simon - You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman, starts at 1:25
____________________________________________________ From Obie Dear Webby I really enjoy your Daily Humor Letter, all the good jokes, without having so many four letter words to make a point. The Tech Support, Bonehead Awards are real nice too. I also enjoy the BONUS links a lot. You are doing GREAT. Thanks, Obie ___________________________________________________
You Never Know What You'll Find!
___________________________________________________ A very young couple had just gotten married and decided to spend their honeymoon in a large Manhattan hotel. Showing signs of nervousness the young man approached the check-in desk. "Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" "Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ From the Classified Ads: Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00 ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 11, in 
1297 Scotsman William Wallace defeated the English forces of
Sir Hugh de Cressingham at the Battle of Stirling Bridge. 

1499 French forces took over Milan, Italy. 

1609 Explorer Henry Hudson sailed into New York harbor and
discovered Manhattan Island and the Hudson River. 

1695 Imperial troops under Eugene of Savoy defeated the
Turks at the Battle of Zenta. 

1709 An Anglo-Dutch-Austrian force defeated the French in
the Battle of Malplaquet. 

1714 Spanish and French troops broke into Barcelona and
ended Catalonia's sovereignty after 13 months of seige. 

1776 A Peace Conference was held between British General
Howe and three representatives of the Continental Congress
(Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and Edward Rutledge). The
conference failed and the American war for independence
continued for seven years. 

1777 American forces, under General George Washington, were
forced to retreat at the Battle of Brandywine Creek by
British forces under William Howe. The Stars and Stripes
(American flag) were carried for the first time in the
battle. 

1814 The U.S. fleet defeated a squadron of British ships in
the Battle of Lake Champlain, VT. 

1842 1,400 Mexican troops captured San Antonio, TX. The
Mexicans retreated with prisoners. 

1855 The siege of Sevastopol ended when French, British and
Piedmontese troops captured the main naval base of the
Russian Black fleet in the Crimean War. 

1875 "Professor Tidwissel's Burglar Alarm" was featured in
the New York Daily Graphic and became the first comic strip
to appear in a newspaper. 

1877 The first comic-character timepiece was patented by the
Waterbury Clock Company. 

1883 The mail chute was patented by James Cutler. The new
device was first used in the Elwood Building in Rochester,
NY. 

1897 A ten-week strike of coal workers in Pennsylvania, WV,
and Ohio came to an end. The workers won an eight-hour
workday, semi-monthly pay, and company stores were
abolished. 

1910 In Hollywood, the first commercially successful
electric bus line opened. 

1936 Boulder Dam in Nevada was dedicated by U.S. President
Franklin D. Roosevelt by turning on the dam's first
hydroelectric generator. The dam is now called Hoover Dam. 

1941 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave orders to
attack any German or Italian vessels found in U.S. defensive
waters. The U.S. had not officially entered World War II at
this time. 

1941 In Arlington, VA, the groundbreaking ceremony for the
Pentagon took place. 

1952 Dr. Charles Hufnagel successfully replaced a diseased
aorta valve with an artificial valve made of plastic. 

1959 The U.S. Congress passed a bill authorizing the
creation of food stamps. 

1965 The 1st Cavalry Division (Airmobile) arrived in South
Vietnam and was stationed at An Khe. 

1974 "Little House On The Prairie" made its television
debut. 

1977 The Atari 2600 was released. It was originally sold as
the Atari VCS. The system was discontinued on January 1,
1992. 

1985 A U.S. satellite passed through the tail of the
Giacobini-Zinner comet. It was the first on-the-spot
sampling of a comet.

1990 U.S. President Bush vowed "Saddam Hussein will fail"
while addressing Congress on the Persian Gulf crisis. In the
speech Bush spoke of an objective of a new world order
"freer from the threat of terror, stronger in the pursuit of
justice, and more secure in the quest for peace". 

1991 Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev announced that
thousands of troops would be drawn out of Cuba. 

1997 Scotland voted to create its own Parliament after 290
years of union with England. 

2001 In the U.S., four airliners were hijacked and were
intentionally crashed. Two airliners hit the World Trade
Center, which collapsed shortly after, in New York City, NY.
One airliner hit the Pentagon in Arlington, VA. Another
airliner crashed into a field in Pennsylvania. About 3,000
people were killed. 

2012 Terrorists attacked the U.S. consulate in Benghazi,
Libya. Five Americans were killed and ten others were
injured. 

2017  smiled.


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Gmail to POP 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, September 10

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Cleveland armed robber shot, killed 
by Taco Bell employees 
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 10 in
1919 Austria and the Allies signed the Treaty of St.-
Germain-en-Laye. Austria was forced to give up Poland,
Hungary, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. --- Billy Crystal (1947 - ) The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure wouldn't be helping, if he was doing what you suspect him of doing. However, he's out on the balcony exchanging fishing lies with my dad." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD and a Darwin Award has been earned by De'Carlo Jackson, 24, Cleveland, Ohio Cleveland armed robber shot, killed by Taco Bell employees Three employees at a Cleveland Taco Bell shot and killed a suspect during an attempted robbery, according to police. Officers responded to the restaurant on W. 117th street at 2:45 a.m. Wednesday morning for a report of a robbery with shots fired. When police arrived, they found a suspect with multiple gunshot wounds. Officers administered first aid until EMS arrived. The suspect later died at MetroHealth Medical Center. The medical examiner later identified the suspect as 24-year-old Cleveland resident De'Carlo Jackson. Another man, believed to be Jackson's accomplice, had already taken off by the time officers arrived. Police say a preliminary investigation indicates that three Taco Bell employees, all armed, shot at the two suspects after they came into the restaurant wearing masks and ordered the employees to the ground at gunpoint. Since 2012, Jackson had been convicted three times for "attempted" drug trafficking (Selling to a narc). _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Robert Re: gmail to POP Dear Webby, I use gmail mainly to reserve my address for when I move and lose my current address. In the meantime, I want to be able to download the mail from gmail to my regular POP email program (Eudora). Can that be done? Robert Dear Robert I have had a lot of similar questions lately. Yes, sure it can be done. Just go into your gmail settings and set it to ALLOW POP and to forward to your regular POP email address. That's all there is to it, IF you have an ISP or domain based POP address. Takes about 5 seconds to do. For those who don't have an ISP or domain based POP address, go into the gmail settings, set it to ALLOW POP. Then go into Eudora or Thunderbird or whatever you use, and make a new email account. For the incoming POP server name use pop.gmail.com. For the outgoing SMTP server name use smtp.gmail.com For the user name and password use your gmail log in. After that, your email program will check your gmail as if it was a standard POP email account. Have FUN! DearWebby

>From Ed I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM machine over there."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Succulent Plants Make Wonderful Gifts By 15mhhm15 [242 Posts, 702 Comments] Did you know it is very easy to propagate succulents? If you have succulents in your yard, or at your family or friend's home, pull off some leaves, or a leaf with your finger or cut carefully and get the entire leaf than allow the leaves to dry for a few days! When the end (where you pulled the leaf/leaves) has hardened then it is ready to fill a small container with some soil and lay your leaf/leaves on top. Water slowly until you see roots from the leaves sprout. Once the leaves sprout (probably a few weeks) you could separate each leaf into its own container. Below are succulent cuttings from family and all I did was reuse an old dish and put soil to arrange all the succulents together. It looks beautiful and perfect to give as a gift or as a center piece in your home! Little maintenance (water wise) is required for these and it looks beautiful! Don't over-water them! Like cacti, they thrive on dedicated neglect. It is not extra water, that makes them grow, but deeper dirt and especially wind. Even if you can't see them move in the wind, it is the invisible, tiny movements when the wind massages them, that pump up nutrients for them. By the way, some succulents produce gorgeous flowers. Have FUN! DerWebby ____________________________________________________
Can you guess which is the alpha dog?
____________________________________________________ A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor took her $100, quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." ___________________________________________________
Strength and Beauty
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this confession: The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said. I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed." "We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?" "A student told me," I answered. "We'll send someone over right away."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Life is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way. ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 10, in 
1608 John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown, VA
colony council. 

1813 The first defeat of British naval squadron occurred in
the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812. The leader
of the U.S. fleet sent the famous message "We have met the
enemy, and they are ours" to U.S. General William Henry
Harrison. 

1845 King Willem II opened Amsterdam Stock exchange. 

1846 Elias Howe received a patent for his sewing machine. 

1862 Rabbi Jacob Frankel became the first Jewish Army
chaplain. 

1897 British police arrest George Smith for drunken driving.
It was the first DUI. 

1899 A second quake in seven days hit Yakutat Bay, AK. It
measured 8.6. 

1913 The Lincoln Highway opened. It was the first paved
coast-to-coast highway in the U.S. 

1919 New York City welcomed home 25,000 soldiers and General
John J. Pershing who had served in the First Division during
World War I. 

1919 Austria and the Allies signed the Treaty of St.-
Germain-en-Laye. Austria was forced to give up Poland,
Hungary, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia. 

1921 The Ayus Autobahn in Germany opened near Berlin. The
road is known for its nonexistent speed limit. 

1923 The Irish Free state joined the League of Nations. 

1926 Germany joined the League of Nations. 

1935 "Popeye" was heard on NBC radio for the first time. 

1939 Canada declared war on Germany. 

1940 In Britain, Buckingham Palace was hit by German bomb. 

1942 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt mandated gasoline
rationing as part of the U.S. wartime effort. 

1943 German forces began their occupation of Rome during
World War II. 

1948 Mildred "Axis Sally" Gillars was indicted for treason
in Washington, DC. Gillars was a Nazi radio propagandist
during World War II. She was convicted and spent 12 years in
prison. 

1951 Britain began an economic boycott of Iran. 

1953 Swanson began selling its first "TV dinner." 

1955 "Gunsmoke" premiered on CBS. 

1955 Bert Parks began a 25-year career as host of the "Miss
America Pageant" on NBC. 

1956 Great Britain performed a nuclear test at Maralinga,
Australia. 

1963 Twenty black students entered public schools in Alabama
at the end of a standoff between federal authorities and
Alabama governor George C. Wallace. 

1979 U.S. President Carter granted clemency to four Puerto
Rican nationalists who had been imprisoned for an attack on
the U.S. House of Representatives in 1954 and an attempted
assassination of U.S. President Truman in 1950. 

1981 Pablo Picasso's mural Guernica was received in the town
of Guernica. 

1989 Hungary gave permission to thousands of East German
refugees and visitors to immigrate to West Germany. 

1990 Iran agreed to resume full diplomatic ties with past
enemy Iraq. 

1990 Iraq's Saddam Hussein offered free (Kuwaiti) oil to
developing nations in an attempt to win their support during
the Gulf War Crisis. 

1992 In Minneapolis, MN, a federal jury struck down
professional football's limited free agency system. 

1998 U.S. President Clinton met with members of his Cabinet
to apologize, ask forgiveness and promise to improve as a
person in the wake of the scandal involving Monica Lewinsky.


1999 A bronze sculpture of a war horse just over 24 feet
high was dedicated in Milan, Italy. 

2002 Florida tested its new elections system. The test
resulted in polling stations opening late and problems
occurred with the touch screen voting machines. 

2002 The "September 11: Bearing Witness to History" exhibit
opened at the Smithsonian's National Museum of American
History. 

2002 Switzerland became the 190th member of the United
Nations. 

2017  smiled.


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Is Skype safe? 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, September 9

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas woman slipped handcuffs, 
took police SUV on 100-MPH chase for 23 minutes

 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 9 in
490 B.C. The Battle of Marathon took place between the
invading Persian army and the Athenian Army. The marathon
race was derived from the events that occurred surrounding
this battle. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable. --- Paul Tillich (1886 - 1965) A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds. --- Mark Twain ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out". They both were very faithful,loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it...so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home. The following day, one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"... "That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU"!!! _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" --------------- Sounds familiar. I got a bad case of gout late last week: It is not due to my ascetic diabetic diet, but possibly due to the diabetes and the water pills. Yesterday I got to see my doctor. He told me to come back in 2 weeks. Today I found out that sometimes it goes away in 7 days. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Toscha Fay Sponsler, 33, Pollok, Texas Texas woman slipped handcuffs, took police SUV on 100-MPH chase Texas police published video Tuesday showing a shoplifting suspect slipping out of her handcuffs, stealing a police SUV and leading officers on a breathtaking high-speed chase. The woman, identified as Toscha Fay Sponsler, 33, of Pollok, Texas, ran away from Lufkin police officers responding to a call of a possible shoplifter at a beauty supply store on Saturday. After the officers ran her down on foot, Sponsler was cuffed behind her back and buckled into a seatbelt in the back of a patrol SUV, police said. Video from the SUV's internal camera records Sponsler deftly wriggling out her handcuffs, keeping a wary eye out and playing possum whenever someone in uniform passes by the window. With a build like an 8 year old boy she easiy clambers through the sliding partition and over into the front seat, then speeds off, with officers vainly trying to run after her on foot. Video from the unit's dash camera records Sponsler speeding and veering across lanes, at one point swerving to avoid a spike strip that a roadside officer tosses into the street. After what police said was a 23-minute pursuit at speeds hitting 100 mph, officers maneuver Sponsler into making a hard turn into a residential yard more than 20 miles away in the town of Zavalla, where she loses control of the SUV and finally comes to a stop. Officers break through the driver's-side window and toss Sponsler on the ground, where they cuff her again, a bit toghter this time. Sponsler remained in the Angelina County Jail on $18,000 bond on Tuesday night, charged with five felony counts of escape with the threat of a deadly weapon, aggravated assault, unauthorized use of a vehicle, possession of a controlled substance and evading arrest, according to jail records. The deadly weapon was a police shotgun mechanically locked to the SUV, which pursuing officers said they saw Sponsler reach for repeatedly. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Karen Re: How safe is Skype Dear Webby, My daughter wants me to install Skype in my computer at home and in the office, to save on phone bills. How safe is that? Karen Dear Karen Skype is perfectly safe. It is so heavily encrypted, that even if somebody figured a way to intercept it, they could not extract any information. Also, it does not open any security holes like many other programs do. Even though it is nowhere near as good as before Microsoft bought it for $8.5 Billion to make sure Google did not get it, Skype is really easy on computer's resources. There is no need to shut it down now and then to release hogged memory. It's not just for talking and video chatting for free over the net. It includes a text chat module for typing back and forth and sending pictures, movies, music, links, etc. You can even send SMS messages to cell phones. Voice quality is still very good, often better than over a phone. We have used Skype for tech support for about 18 years now, and have never had a problem with it. I normally just use text chat, because it allows people to copy and paste. My father is the only exception. I video chat 5 - 10 minutes with him every day, noon my time, 8 PM his time in Austria. Why not? It is free, and at his age typing is a nuisance. Have FUN! DearWebby

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Strong Necklace Thread Tired of your necklace breaking? Restring it with fishing line. Fishing line is very strong and inexpensive. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com Dont get too carried away! Choose a fishing line, that is not stronger than your neck! Test it by snagging it on a coat hook. 10lb or 15lb is strong enough and usually won't kill you. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Can you guess which is the alpha dog?
____________________________________________________ Keli and Anni were flying Arkansas Airlines to Minneapolis. Anni was flying the plane, and Keli was in the back fooling with the cargo equipment and stuff. The plane hit some turbulence an started bouncing around an Anni got knocked unconscious. Then the plane start drifting. Keli came running up to the front and saw Anni sprawled out all over the controls. Well, Keli doesn't know anything about flying and she starts to get panicky. She grabs the microphone and screams "May Day! May Day! This is Arkansas Air Line 90210. Anni, is knocked unconscious and I don't know how to fly the plane!" "This is the control tower," someone answers. "Don't you worry about nothing. We're gonna teach you how to land the plane, step by step. Just leave everything to us. First, how high are you , and what's your position?" Keli thought for a minute, then said, "I'm five foot two and I'm all the way to the front of the plane." "No! No!" answer the tower. "What's your altitude, and where are you located?" Keli said, "Man, right now I've got a poor attitude, an I'm from Caraway, Arkansas!!" "No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "I need to know how many feet you got off the ground and where your plane is in relation to the airport!" Keli, she starts to panic by this time, and says, "Counting Anni's feet and mine together, we got four feet off the ground and I don't believe this plane is related to your airport!" A long pause ---- the silence was deafening. "We need to know who is your next of kin." ___________________________________________________
Don't stare at these drawings too long because you'll feel like you're falling in.
___________________________________________________ From Armond Dear Webby, I am consistently amazed at your easy, common sense replies to some of the trickiest questions, not like the insecure and usually clueless answers I get from my ISP's and my web host's tech support. Dear Armond We do provide web hosting! You are most welcome to upgrade and move your site to our servers. DearWebby
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life, --- and give up me Irish Whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found one." ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 9, in 
490 B.C. The Battle of Marathon took place between the
invading Persian army and the Athenian Army. The marathon
race was derived from the events that occurred surrounding
this battle. 

1776 The second Continental Congress officially made the
term "United States", replacing the previous term "United
Colonies." 

1836 Abraham Lincoln received his license to practice law. 

1904 Mounted police were used for the first time in the City
of New York. 

1911 Italy declared war on the Ottoman Turks and annexed
Libya, Tripolitania, and Cyrenaica in North Africa. 

1919 The majority of Boston's police force went on strike.
The force was made up of 1,500 men. 

1919 Alexander Graham Bell and Casey Baldwin's HD-4, a
hydrofoil craft, set a world marine speed record. 

1942 Japan dropped incendiaries over NE in an attempt to set
fire to the forests in Oregon and Washington. The rain
forest did not ignite. 

1943 During World War II Allied forces landed at Taranto and
Salerno. 

1948 North Korea became the People's Democratic Republic of
Korea. 

1965 French President Charles de Gaulle announced that
France was withdrawing from NATO to protest the domination
of the U.S. in the organization. 

1971 Gordie Howe of the Detroit Red Wings retired from the
National Hockey League (NHL). 

1981 Nicaragua declared a state of economic emergency and
banned strikes. 

1983 The Soviet Union announced that the Korean jetliner
that was shot down on September 1, 1983 was not an accident
or an error. 

1986 Frank Reed was taken hostage in Lebanon by pro-Iranian
kidnappers. The director of a private school in Lebanon was
released 44 months later. 

1986 Ted Turner presented the first of his colorized films
on WTBS in Atlanta, GA. 

1986 Gennadiy Zakharov was indicted by a New York jury on
espionage charges. Zakharov was a Soviet United Nations
employee. 

1993 Israeli and PLO leaders agreed to recognize each other.

1994 The U.S. agreed to accept about 20,000 Cuban immigrants
a year. This was in return for Cuba's promise to halt the
flight of refugees. 

1994 The space shuttle Discovery blasted off on an 11-day
mission. 

1997 Sinn Fein, the IRA's political ally, formally renounced
violence as it took its place in talks on Northern Ireland's
future. 

1998 Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr delivered to the U.S.
Congress 36 boxes of material concerning his investigation
of U.S. President Clinton. 

1998 Four tourists who had paid $32,500 each were taken in
submarine to view the wreckage of the Titanic. The ship is 2
miles below the Atlantic off Newfoundland. 

1999 The Sega Dreamcast game system went on sale. By 1:00pm
all Toys R Us locations in the U.S. had sold out. 

2008 The iTunes Music Store reached 100 million applications
downloaded. 

2009 The iTunes Music Store reached 1.8 billion applications
downloaded. 

2017  smiled.


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How to get rid of desktop.ini 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, September 8
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Thank you, Leon!!
Thank you Donnie!!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida driver more than 4 times over the limit
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 8 in
1664 The Dutch surrendered New Amsterdam to the British, 
who then renamed it New York. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A short saying oft contains much wisdom. --- Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC) The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments. --- William H. Borah ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ At the counter, a woman was complaining about the departure time, saying, "Young man, I could stick a feather in my butt and get there faster." The clerk smiled and said, "Yeah, and you'd save extra time by not having to go through Security! Go for it!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jasbir, 67, Bhupinder, 61, Devbir Kalsi, 33, Hillsborogh, Florida Parents flew from India to Florida to help their son beat up his wife A husband and wife are accused of flying from India to Florida to help “discipline” their son’s wife, who was found badly beaten and allegedly held against her will at a Tampa Bay area home on Saturday, law enforcement authorities said. Jasbir Kalsi, 67, and Bhupinder Kalsi, 61, were arrested along with their son, Devbir Kalsi, 33, after the victim’s relatives in India requested a welfare check by the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office, according to an incident report. A deputy who went to the victim’s Riverview home around 6:30 a.m. on Saturday said people inside ignored his efforts to get them to open the front door. He forced his way inside when he heard Devbir’s 33-year-old wife screaming for someone to save her and her child. “The deputy forced the door open and was immediately confronted by the victim’s husband Devbir Kalsi who attempted to push the door closed,” according to the incident report. The deputy said he was arresting the husband when he was confronted by the man’s father and mother. As the officer dealt with the parents, additional deputies arrived. The young wife was described as “badly beaten and bruised over her entire body.” (HuffPost is not naming her because she is a suspected victim of domestic violence.) Based on her bruises, the woman is believed to have been physically assaulted “for an extended period of time,” authorities said. They said the child, a 1-year-old according to the Tampa Bay Times, was unharmed. Devbir Kalsi’s parents flew to Florida from Punjab state, India, to help “counsel and discipline” his wife after hearing that she was being “disobedient,” authorities alleged. At one point, the husband and his parents allegedly threatened his wife with a knife to her throat. They also allegedly took her phone away so she couldn’t call 911. Devbir, Jasbir and Bhupinder Kalsi were booked into the Hillsborough County Jail and held without bond, the Tampa Bay Times reported. Devbir is facing charges of felony battery, false imprisonment, child abuse and denying access to 911. His father is facing charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, false imprisonment, child abuse and denying access to 911. His mother is looking at charges of battery, domestic violence and failure to report child abuse. The accused family members, who are foreign nationals, could be deported back to India, Fox 13 reported. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ginger Re: Desktop.ini Dear Webby, This "desktop.ini icon" has been showing up on my desktop every time I sign onto my computer. I ignored it for weeks and weeks but it's getting on my nerves now! Can you tell me how to keep it from showing up every day? Thank you for always being there when we have a question! Ginger Dear Ginger It is a harmless, though rather klutzy way to show the desktop setup. Theoretically, the programmers of Windows could mess with the desktop by editing it. In actuality, it is a leftover from Windows 95, and nobody knows why. If you delete it, it will be generated again the next time you move icons around. There is no need for it to clutter up your desktop. So just hide the silly thing. Select the icon or file or folders you want to hide. Right-click and choose Properties. Click the General tab. Click the checkbox next to Hidden in the Attributes section. Click Apply That's all there is to it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Instant Wonton Noodles By 15mhhm15 [242 Posts, 700 Comments] While grocery shopping at Costco, these Chicken & Cilantro Mini Wontons were being demonstrated. I love the idea of how quick and versatile these wontons are for frozen food, pretty nutritious, and inexpensive. This 3 lb bag has about 150 pieces for $9.69. There was a promotion going on so it was $3.50 off, coming out to be $6.19. Prep Time: 2 minutes Cook Time: 8 minutes Total Time: 10 minutes Yield: 2 people Ingredients: 25 wontons 1/2 water 2 packages ramen noodles 2 stems cilantro 2 stems green onions 4 pieces ham 4 Tbsp hoisin sauce Steps: Dice green onions and cilantro. In a large pot, bring water to a boil. Add wontons and cook for 2-3 minutes. Remove wontons and set aside. Add ramen seasoning. I used garlic and pepper kind of ramen. Sprinkle some green onions in. Add the ramen noodles and cook for 3-4 minutes Optional: we had left over ham and a great way to use up ham is in soup. For finishing touches, add the wontons back into soup and the remaining green onions and add cilantro. Stir in some hoisin sauce for flavor and ready to enjoy! ____________________________________________________
Planting donut seeds
____________________________________________________ >From Carole Webby, I have to agree with Connie completely. You do more to help people just by keeping them happy. Thank you, Carole ___________________________________________________
The 2017 World Beard and Mustache Champions.
___________________________________________________ A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in this building except one." "Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. "Must be that stuck up Fran Beasly on the fourth floor."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Although I had never met my maternal grandfather, I knew that he had been five feet, six inches tall, while my stately grandmother stood five feet, eleven inches. As a teen-ager while leafing through an old photograph album with my Grandmother, I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together. "Grand," I asked, "how could you have dated and fallen in love a man almost half a foot shorter than you?" She turned to me, gave me a sensuous wink and said, "Honey, we fell in love sitting down, and by the time I stood up, it was way too late for him." ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 8, in 
1565 A Spanish expedition established the first permanent
European settlement in North America at present-day St.
Augustine, FL. 

1664 The Dutch surrendered New Amsterdam to the British, who
then renamed it New York. 

1866 The first recorded birth of sextuplets took place in
Chicago, IL. The parents were James and Jennie Bushnell. 

1892 An early version of "The Pledge of Allegiance" appeared
in "The Youth's Companion." 

1893 In New Zealand, the Electoral Act 1893 was passed by
the Legislative Council. It was consented by the governor on
September 19 giving all women in New Zealand the right to
vote. 

1935 U.S. Senator Huey P. Long, "The Kingfish" of Louisiana
politics, was shot and mortally wounded. He died two days
later. 

1945 In Washington, DC, a bus equipped with a two-way radio
was put into service for the first time. 

1945 Bess Myerson of New York was crowned Miss America. She
was the first Jewish contestant to win the title. 

1951 A peace treaty with Japan was signed by 48 other
nations in San Francisco, CA. 

1960 NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, AL,
was dedicated by U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower. The
facility had been activated in July earlier that year. 

1966 NBC-TV aired the first episode of "Star Trek" entitled
"The Man Trap". The show was canceled on September 2, 1969. 

1974 U.S. President Ford granted an unconditional pardon to
former U.S. President Nixon. 

1975 In Boston, MA, public schools began their court-ordered
citywide busing program amid scattered incidents of
violence. 

1997 America Online acquired CompuServe. 

1999 Russia's Mission Control switched off the Mir space
station's central computer and other systems to save energy
during a planned six months of unmanned flights. 

2015 British researchers announced that evidence of a larger
version of Stonehenge had been located about 2 miles from
the Stonehenge location. There were 90 buried stones that
had been found by ground penetrating radar. 

2017  smiled.


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Partitioning an add on drive 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, September 7

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Some interesting stats:
Source: U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services
In 2017 there were 211,264 DACA applications by March 31.
Application for renewal, which requires that the applicant
have no crimina record and is either working or studying,
were only 35,586 (16%)

That means 175,687 (83%) either had acquired a criminal
record, were busy trying to get free room and board in some
jail, or were busy demonstrating and looting with one of
the many Hilarite groups and had no time to work or study.

You definitely can't blame that dismal 16% record on Trump.
Time to end that BS.

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida driver more than 4 times over the limit
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 7 in
1812 Napoleon defeated the Russian army of Alexander I at
the battle of Borodino. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds. The clerk explained this policy to a grouchy customer, and the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk quickly replied, "George W. Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC." The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from ME!" she announced as she stormed out of the store. After she was gone, leaving her most likely shoplifted merchandise behind, the clerk shrugged and said: "She didn't say the CURRENT president". _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A young lady was dating two men, a dairy farmer and a poet. She had trouble deciding if she should marry for butter or for verse. ______________________________________________________ Joe is not dead. He is just lost in one of Amazon's 80,000 warehouses. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brittany Sharp, 25, Fort Myers, Florida Florida woman stops drunk driver the hard way Three women in Florida put themselves in harm’s way for the sake of others when they made an alleged DUI driver crash into their vehicle. Suzzette Williams, Angelina Powell and an unidentified woman took matters into their own hands after spotting a motorist — who police later identified as 25-year-old Brittany Sharp — driving erratically near North Fort Myers on Sunday afternoon, per multiple outlets. Williams, who was driving a Nissan Sentra, trailed Sharp’s white Chevrolet Cavalier as Sharp allegedly weaved between lanes, hit curbs and then joined Interstate 75, per WBBH. One of Williams’ passengers remained in telephone contact with the police, while the other broadcast the pursuit over Facebook Live. Williams then overtook Sharp, pulled her own vehicle in front of the Chevrolet and slammed on the brakes. It forced Sharp to rear-end Williams’ car, but brought her to a complete stop. Considering how many cops you normally see on the roads in Fort Myers, and how fast they travel, it must have been their lunch time. Usually they are very fast. Florida Highway troopers eventually arrived on the scene and took Sharp, who had minor injuries, for treatment at Fort Myers’ Lee Memorial Hospital. Sharp, from Cape Coral, was charged with driving under the influence, driving with a suspended license and careless driving. She remains in custody without bond at Lee County Jail, per The News-Press, and is scheduled to appear in court on Sept. 18. Florida Highway Patrol Lt. Greg Bueno praised the women for calling 911, but didn’t recommend that others follow their example in stopping a driver “like this on their own.” _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Leon Re: Partitioning a Hard Drive Dear Webby, I recently purchased a new computer with a large ( 1 TB) hard drive. I remember you recommending partitioning hard drives. Everything I read about partitioning states you have to format the drives after partitioning. Does that mean all drives or just the new ones. Will I have to reload what is now on the C drive or will it not be affected? Thanks, I really enjoy your humor letter, Leon Dear Leon Yes, a new partition is like a new drive stuffed into the machine, and has to be partitioned. That is not a big deal, since it doesn't have anything on it yet. The partitioning software has a formatting option for that. It won't mess with the C: drive, just add additional drives. The D: letter is normally reserved for the cD/Dvd, all other letters are still available. No, you won't have to reload anything. It just squishes what you got onto a corner of the C: drive. Once the creation and formatting of the new drives is complete, you can drag all the Prayers to the P: drive and all the Sermons to the S: drive. Have FUN! DearWebby

From Connie R Hi Webby, Happiness is reading your newsletter each morning and starting my day with laughter. Thanks for sharing and spreading so much joy in a world that has so many things going wrong. Keep up the good work. Connie
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Ghost Light By Rachel's Mom [277 Posts, 86 Comments] This holiday craft was created by recycling a terra cotta tray and frosted light globe. It would make a great Halloween centerpiece! By Rachel's Mom [277 Posts, 86 Comments] Guide Making a Ghost Light This holiday craft was created by recycling a terra cotta tray and frosted light globe. It would make a great Halloween centerpiece! Approximate Time: about 25 minutes Supplies: 8 inch terra cotta tray frosted light globe black acrylic paint paint brush pencil votive candle Instructions: Paint the terra cotta tray using black acrylic paint and set aside to dry. Use a pencil to draw eyes and mouth onto the globe to resemble a ghost. Fill in these areas with black acrylic paint. Place a votive candle or battery-powered candle in center of tray, and place globe on top. I would highly recommend to use a $1 solar light from the Dollar Store. Some kid is bound to grab the globe, and start a big howl and toss the globe, if the globe is heated by a candle. You can even get solar lights, that change color. If you can't afford a solar light, glue sugar cube size pebbles at the bottom of the globe to ensure plenty of air flow to cool the globe. Flour and water glue is plenty good enough. If you use a solar light, you can fake the globe with wax paper and get right creative! When a kid smashes it, you got a brand new ghost! Have FUN! DearWeby ____________________________________________________
when you drop your cymbals during the national anthem
____________________________________________________ >Thanks to Julie for this one: There's a new virus about. It is called C-Nile. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. It appears to mostly affect those who were born before 1960. Symptoms of C-Nile Virus: 1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice 2. Causes you to send blank e-mail 3. Causes you to send to wrong person 4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment 6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the ___________________________________________________
Here are "life hacks" from 100 years ago. I wonder if these cards are as valuable as old baseball cards?
___________________________________________________ >Thanks to Hunny for this one: In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected by password. The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller. Recently, when I asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save." I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband used that password so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A man went to his lawyer and stated, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me." The man looked somewhat upset as he said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children, too!" ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 7, in 
1812 Napoleon defeated the Russian army of Alexander I at
the battle of Borodino. 

1813 The nickname "Uncle Sam" was first used as a symbolic
reference to the United States. The reference appeared in an
editorial in the New York's Troy Post. 

1822 Brazil declared its independence from Portugal. 

1880 George Ligowsky was granted a patent for his device
that threw clay pigeons for trapshooters. 

1888 Edith Eleanor McLean became the first baby to be placed
in an incubator. 

1896 A.H. Whiting won the first automobile race held on a
racetrack. The race was held in Cranston, RI. 

1901 China and the Eight-Nation Alliance signed the Boxer
Protocol ending the Boxer Rebellion (Boxer Uprising,
Yihequan Movement, Anti-Foreign Trade Movement). 

1915 Johnny Gruelle received a patent for his Raggedy Ann
doll. (U.S. Patent D47789) 

1921 Margaret Gorman of Washington, DC, was crowned the
first Miss America in Atlantic City, NJ. 

1927 Philo T. Farnsworth succeeded in transmitting an image
through purely electronic means by using an image dissector.

1930 The cartoon "Blondie" made its first appearance in the
comic strips. 

1940 London received its initial rain of bombs from Nazi
Germany during World War II in retaliation for England's
turning Germany's re-annexation of the western part of
Poland into WWII. 

1942 During World War II, the Russian army counter attacked
the German troops outside the city of Stalingrad. 

1971 "The Beverly Hillbillies" was seen for the final time
on CBS-TV. 

1977 The Panama Canal treaties were signed by U.S. President
Carter and General Omar Torrijos Herrera. The treaties
called for the U.S. to turn over control of the canal's
waterway to Panama in the year 2000. 

1979 ESPN, the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network,
made its debut on cable TV. 

1983 In Ireland, voters approved a constitutional ammendment
that banned abortion. 

1984 American Express Co. issued the first of its Platinum
charge cards. 

1986 President Augusto Pinochet survived an assassination
attempt made by guerrillas. 

1986 Desmond Tutu was the first black to be installed to
lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa. 

1987 Erich Honecker became the first East German head of
state to visit West Germany. 

1989 Legislation was approved by the U.S. Senate that
prohibited discrimination against the handicapped in
employment, public accommodations, transportation and
communications. 

1999 Viacom Inc. announced that it had plans to buy CBS
Corp. 

2017  smiled.


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Restore the quick-launch 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, September 6

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida driver more than 4 times over the limit
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 6 in
1620 The Pilgrims left on the Mayflower from
Plymouth, England to settle in the New World. 

See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. --- Jackie Mason (1934 - ) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her lesson. "Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face. "What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?" There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling. "You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled Miss Figpot. "Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied. "Well, let's hear it." "You would call her de-calfenated!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals. "I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." The children looked at her blankly. "I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." No response. This wasn't going well at all! "I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?" Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" ______________________________________________________ Don't move for abolut a week! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Shelby Wagner, 25, Crestview, Florida Florida driver more than 4 times over the limit A Crestview woman with a blood-alcohol level over four times the legal limit was charged with driving under the influence after several people who noticed her reckless driving called the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office. Shelby Wagner, 25, was pulled over as she was driving on State Road 293 near Niceville about 7 a.m. Thursday with a blood-alcohol level of 0.334, according to her offense report. The deputy noticed the white Chevy Suburban swerving, crossing the center line and even driving down the median. At one point he noticed that the car was pulled over to the side of the road with Wagner slumped over the wheel. When speaking with the deputy, Wagner misstated the road she was driving on, telling him she was on State Road 85. Wagner failed a field sobriety the test after she was unable to recite the alphabet forward, singing up to the letter “P” and then saying “F, G ,H, M, P” before randomly reciting different letters. The deputy also noted a bottle of red wine and a red cup in the car’s middle console that appeared to have red wine in it. Wagner was arrested for a DUI and then taken to the Fort Walton Beach Police Department for a breathalyzer test. Because the samples showed a blood-alcohol level of over 0.30, Wagner was then taken to Fort Walton Beach Medical Center to be medically cleared. .3 and over is often fatal. After she was cleared she was booked. Her vehicle was towed from the scene. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Ross F Re: Restore Quick-Launch Dear Webby, Dear Webby Is there any other way of refreshing the Quick Launch, other than restarting? Once in a while Incredimail doesn't show up, but after restarting the computer it'll come back! Thanks, Ross Dear Ross Are you aware that, aside from being a nuisance to politely and silently suffering recipients, Incredimail is spyware ? It not only reports on you, it also records the IP numbers of your victims, and who knows what else. When Windows or some other program gets disgusted with it and dumps it off the Quick-Launch toolbar or randomizes the Quick-Launch toolbar, you can restore it by squishing the task bar down to a hair line and pulling it up again. Have FUN! DearWebby

A man says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The man says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch. She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wrinkled Slacks But No Iron? This tips is especially useful when traveling and staying in a hotel. If you have wrinkled slacks but no iron, just put the slacks neatly over the towel bar in the bathroom while taking a shower. Be sure to close the bathroom door to trap as much steam as possible. The steam will help ease some of the wrinkles. It also helps to smooth them out with your hands while it is steamy. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
man films parking lot overnight during Hurricane Harvey
____________________________________________________ >From Kati A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during this particularly icy fall. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: February 28, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here! ___________________________________________________
A "hobbit" castle built for sheep in the English countryside.
___________________________________________________ That reminds me of this one: A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous. "Jim," he said, "You're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think . . . if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?" "I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The question is, where would YOU be?"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how much to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say 'two hundred seventy five dollars.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be two hundred fifty dollars'. If his eyes still don't flutter, you say, 'Each'." ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 6, in 
1620 The Pilgrims left on the Mayflower from Plymouth,
England to settle in the New World. 

1819 Thomas Blanchard patented a machine called the lathe. 

1837 The Oberlin Collegiate Institute of Ohio went co-
educational. 

1876 The Southern Pacific rail line from Los Angeles to San
Francisco was completed. 

1899 Carnation processed its first can of evaporated milk. 

1901 U.S. President William McKinley was shot and mortally
wounded (he died eight days later) by Leon Czolgosz.
Czolgosz, an American anarchist, was executed the following
October. 

1909 Robert Peary, American explorer, sent word that he had
reached the North Pole. He had reached his goal five months
earlier. 

1939 South Africa declared war on Germany. 

1941 Jews in German-occupied areas were ordered to wear the
Star of David with the word "Jew" inscribed. The order only
applied to Jews over the age of 6. 

1944 During World War II, the British government relaxed
blackout restrictions and suspended compulsory training for
the Home Guard. 

1948 Queen Juliana of the Netherlands was crowned. 

1952 In Montreal, Canadian television began broadcasting. 

1972 Rick DeMont lost the gold medal he received in a 400-
meter swimming event because a banned drug was found in his
system during routine drug testing. 

1975 Martina Navratilova requested political asylum while in
New York for the U.S. Open Tennis Tournament. 

1978 James Wickwire and Louis Reichardt reached the top of
the world's second largest mountain, Pakistan's K-2. They
were the first Americans to reach the summit. Reinhold
Messner had reached it in the mid 60's.

1990 Iraq warned that anyone trying to flee the country
without permission would be put in prison for life. 

1991 The State Council of the Soviet Union recognized the
independence of the Baltic states. 

1991 The name St. Petersburg was restored to Russia's second
largest city. The city was founded in 1703 by Peter the
Great. The name has been changed to Petrograd (1914) and to
Leningrad (1924). 

1992 A 35-year old man died ten weeks after receiving a
transplanted baboon liver. 

1993 Renault of France and Volvo of Sweden announced they
were merging. Volvo eventually canceled the deal the
following December. 

1995 U.S. Senator Bob Packwood was expelled by the Senate
Ethics Committee. 

2001 The U.S. Justice Department announced that it was
seeking a lesser antitrust penalty and would not attempt to
break up Microsoft. 

2001 Ebay Inc. was found not liable for copyright
infringement because bootleg copies of a Charles Manson
documentary had been sold on the site. 

2017  smiled.


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Clearing your tracks 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, September 5

Thank you, Svend !!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Deerfield Beach burglary victim arrested after 
deputies, called by the burglar alarm, 
find marijuana. Lots of it!

 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 5 in
1914 The Battle of the Marne began. The Germans, British and
French fought for six days killing half a million people. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help. --Abraham Lincoln ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ How often have we heard that television watching can be detrimental? A pastor carried that message one Sunday morning in an impassioned sermon on the evils of TV. "It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said. He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done. "We put our TV away in the closet." "That's right," his wife muttered to the woman next to her, "and it gets awfully crowded in there!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ With more people traveling, the airlines seem to have more problems keeping passengers happy. At the end of one flight, however, one smiling, very satisfied fellow pauses to congratulate the flight attendant. "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time," he says. "It's not often anymore that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am." "Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answers, "but I think you should know -- this is yesterday's flight." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Anthony Black, 32, Deerfield Beach, Florida Deerfield Beach burglary victim arrested after deputies, called by the burglar alarm, find marijuana. Lots of it. A Deerfield Beach homeowner is behind bars after police found about 38 pounds of marijuana while responding to a burglary at his house. Anthony Black went before a judge, Friday, just one day after his home alarm alerted the Broward Sheriff’s Office to check out a disturbance. “Road patrol received a call that there was an alarm activation at a residence,” said BSO Detective Michael Weiner. Someone had broken into Black’s home. According to the police report, Black, 32, arrived to find a burglar jumping his fence. “When road patrol deputies got there, they went to the back of the house after the resident, owner, secured a couple dogs, realized that the back window to one of the doors was smashed in,” said Weiner. Black secured his pit bulls while deputies entered his home, but the burglary soon took a back seat to the officers’ latest discovery. BSO Detective Reginald Cleophat said it was the smell of marijuana that caught his attention first. “As soon as you walked in, it just hit you in the face, to be honest with you. It was all over the place,” said Cleophat. “He knew he was caught red-handed. He knew that he messed up, to be honest with you.” Bags and bags of weed were found all over the house, along with a gun and thousands of dollars. “In the end, it was over 17,000 grams, which equals to about 38 pounds of cannabis. Street worth is about between $100,000 and $101,000 on the streets,” said Cleophat. Black was arrested and taken to jail. “I’m not a bad guy,” Black said to the judge. “He was so focused on the fact that he was a victim of a crime, which was the burglary,” said Cleophat. “It completely escaped his mind that there were narcotics inside of the residence.” Black is being held at the Broward County Jail on a $75,000 bond. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Dave Re: Cleaning tracks Dear Webby, Dear Webby I've used windows to automatically keep user IDs, search engine searches, passwords, etc...and now have quite a list. How do I erase these? Thanks in advance for your help. Your newsletter is the first thing we read each morning. Keep up the good work! Dave Dear Dave CrapCleaner can clean all that, if you checkmark those items. You can get CrapCleaner free at http://webby.com/tools Have FUN! DearWebby

Consider the mother and her daughter who were shopping in a mall one day when the mother spied an expensive fur coat. She tried it on and stood in front of the mirror admiring the look and stroking the fur. "This year, I think I'll get myself a birthday present," she said. "But mom," her daughter protested, "some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey. Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Securing Buttons When you buy a new shirt with buttons, put a dab of clear nail polish in the center of each button on the front and back. The nail polish will seal the threads and the button will stay on much longer. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
NASA e-mailed a wrench to the space station!
____________________________________________________ Hillary was in an accident and required immediate cosmetic surgery. So they toook off her make-up. And then they took off another layer of make-up. And another one. And another one. Working frantically for three days and nights they finally reached the skin. The next morning there was a press release: Jimmy Hoffa has been found ! ___________________________________________________
Different types of fog.
___________________________________________________ Seven year old Linda asked her mother how old she was. Her mother told her that women often keep their age a secret and changed the subject. Later that day Linda's friend Mary came over for a visit, and she told her about not getting an answer from her mother. Mary suggested to just look it up on her mother's drivers license in her purse on the table. While her mother was busy in the laundry room, they snuck a peek. Later, when mother returned, Linda bragged: "Mom, I know how tall you are! You are 5' 6"." Mother smiled and thought: "Used to be!" Then Linda said:" And I know how much you weigh! 125 punds!" Again mother smiled and thought: "Used to be!" But then Linda announced: "And you were born on February 27, 1960!" Now mother started looking concerned and wondering where Linda got all that information from. Then Linda dropped the bomb shell: "And I know why Daddy divorced you and left! You got an 'F' in sex!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association (ASA) today showed that over 64% of the practicing psychiatrists in the U.S. were themselves receiving psychiatric treatment of some kind. A spokeswoman for the ASA said the public should not be concerned, as the remainder were undergoing intensive drug-therapy. ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 5, in 
1698 Russia's Peter the Great imposed a tax on beards. 

1774 The first session of the U.S. Continental Congress
convened in Philadelphia. The delegates drafted a
declaration of rights and grievances, organized the
Continental Association, and elected Peyton Randolph as the
first president of the Continental Congress. 

1793 In France, the "Reign of Terror" began. The National
Convention enacted measures to repress the French
Revolutionary activities. 

1836 Sam Houston was elected as the first president of the
Republic of Texas. 

1877 Sioux chief Crazy Horse was killed by the bayonet of a
U.S. soldier. The chief allegedly resisted confinement to a
jail cell. 

1881 The American Red Cross provided relief for disaster for
the first time. The disaster was the Great Fire of 1881 in
Michigan. 

1882 The first U.S. Labor Day parade was held in New York
City. 

1885 Jake Gumper bought the first gasoline pump to be
manufactured in the U.S. 

1900 France proclaimed a protectorate over Chad. 

1905 The Treaty of Portsmouth was signed by Russia and Japan
to end the Russo-Japanese War. The settlement was mediated
by U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt in New Hampshire. 

1914 The Battle of the Marne began. The Germans, British and
French fought for six days killing half a million people. 

1917 Federal raids were carried out in 24 cities on
International Workers of the World (IWW) headquarters. The
raids were prompted by suspected anti-war activities within
the labor organization. 

1930 Charles Creighton and James Hagris completed the drive
from New York City to Los Angeles and back to New York City
all in reverse gear. The trip took 42 days in their 1929
Ford Model A. 

1939 The U.S. proclaimed its neutrality in World War II. 

1945 Iva Toguri D'Aquino was arrested. D'Aquino was
suspected of being the wartime radio propagandist "Tokyo
Rose". She served six years and was later pardoned by U.S.
President Ford. 

1953 The first privately operated atomic reactor opened in
Raleigh, NC. 

1957 Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" was first published. 

1958 The first color videotaped program was aired. It was
"The Betty Freezor Show" on WBTV-TV in Charlotte, NC. 

1958 Boris Pasternak's "Doctor Zhivago" was published for
the first time in the U.S. 

1960 Cassius Clay of Louisville, KY, won the gold medal in
light heavyweight boxing at the Olympic Games in Rome,
Italy. Clay later changed his name to Muhammad Ali. 

1961 The U.S. government made airline hijacking a federal
offense. 

1977 The U.S. launched Voyager . 

1980 The St. Gothard Tunnel opened in Switzerland. It is the
world's longest highway tunnel at 10.14 miles long. 

1982 Eddie Hill set a propeller-driven boat water speed
record when he reached 229 mph. 

1983 U.S. President Reagan denounced the Soviet Union for
shooting down a Korean Air Lines. Reagan demanded that the
Soviet Union pay reparations for the act that killed 269
people. 

1984 The space shuttle Discovery landed after its maiden
voyage. 

1984 Mortimer Zuckerman purchased the newsmagazine, "U.S.
News & World Report" for $163 million. 

1985 Rioting in South Africa spilled into white
neighborhoods for the first time. 

1986 NASA launched DOD-1. 

1990 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein urged for a Holy War
against the West and former allies. 

1991 Soviet lawmakers created an interim government to usher
in the confederation after dissolving the U.S.S.R. The new
name the Union of Sovereign States was taken. 

1992 A General Motors Corporation strike ended with a new
agreement being approved. Nearly 43,000 workers were on
strike. 

1995 France set off an underground nuclear blast in the
South Pacific. 

1996 The play "Summer and Smoke" opened at the Criterion
Theatre. 

2003 In London, magician David Blaine entered a clear
plastic box and then suspended by a crane over the banks of
the Thames River. He remained there until October 19
surviving only on water. 

2017  smiled.


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Get rid of Caps Lock forever 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, September 4

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Violent home invasion by 3 armed crooks 
against paralyzed woman with kids.
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 4 in
1609 English navigator Henry Hudson began exploring the
island of Manhattan. 
See More of what happened on this day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ He has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help. --- Abraham Lincoln All generalizations are dangerous, even this one. --- Alexandre Dumas (1802 - 1870) When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --- Norm Crosby "It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses." --- William Arthur Ward ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Melissa Natal, 35, Juan Flores, 25, Bryan Martinez, 24, Franklin, New Hampshire Violent home invasion by 3 armed crooks against paralyzed woman with kids. Being arrested is a crappy experience, but that’s not why a woman in New Hampshire asked for toilet paper before authorities snapped her booking photo. Melissa Natal was accused of masterminding a violent home invasion early Friday involving a paralyzed woman and children. Natal, 35, and her alleged accomplices, Juan Flores, 25; and Bryan Martinez, 24; were charged with conspiracy to commit robbery and burglary, according to WMUR-TV. Natal apparently found the police holding cell cold ? so much so that she wrapped herself in toilet paper for warmth, according to the Manchester Union-Leader. That led to a very sheety mug shot. Flores also found the holding cell chilly. He posed for his booking photo with his arms inside his shirt. Martinez didn’t do anything special to ward off the chill in the cooler. Police said the three suspects broke into the Franklin home of Lynn Hollins, who is paralyzed from the chest down, around 3 a.m. They were armed with a baseball bat and a gun, and were looking for money, according to the Concord Monitor. Martinez jumped onto Hollins and tried to duct-tape her mouth shut, authorities said. “He jumped over me, ripped my shirt off and ripped my pants right off and then got on top of me and just said, ‘Do you have any money?’ and tried to take my ring,” Hollins told WMUR-TV. “I wasn’t going to let it go. I was like, ‘No! Get off me!’” Hollins’ roommates heard the commotion and they tried to stop the attackers. One of the roommates was punched “about a dozen times in the back of the head,” according to court documents. Flores pointed a gun at three of Hollins’ four children, according to the Concord Monitor. Martinez grabbed money hidden in the home’s bar. The suspects piled into a vehicle and fled just as officers arrived, according to NH1.com. They were arrested a short time later. The trio were arraigned later Friday. Prosecutors alleged that Natal knew Hollins and persuaded her accomplices to commit the robbery, according to NH1.com. She has been arrested numerous times since 2001, according to jail records. Natal and Martinez were being held on $25,000 bail at the the Merrimack County Jail; Flores was held on $20,000 bail. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Sylvie Re: Caps Lock Dear Webby, Dear Webby How can I permanently, once and for all, disable the CAPS LOCK key ? I am transcribing and just glance at the keyboard every second or third paragraph, and it's very annoying to find that I have to retype them. Thanks Sylvie Dear Sylvie I take a spoon or screwdriver and pry off the CAPS LOCK key and then glue it on a coin operated copy machine. It's no more useful there, except for causing a few laughs when somebody new asks about it. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to David for this press release: Mitsubishi Motors sponsored an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names. More than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday. The complete top 10 list included: 10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas 9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va. 8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J. 7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J. 6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz. 5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston 4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga. 3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge) 2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa. 1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com How to Remove Stamps from Envelopes Here's a tip for stamp collectors: Place a few drops of water on the stamp to be removed from the envelope. Heat in the microwave for 20 seconds and the stamp will come right off. By Robin ____________________________________________________
Super bad timing for brakes to go out! - And Yes they went out! note: the Springfield police had to contact this poster and asked him to rename it or put a disclaimer in as the young woman's brakes actually went out and this was in no way an attempt to harm the president or his motorcade.
____________________________________________________ Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." ___________________________________________________
I want one of these!
___________________________________________________ A teenaged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes says to his friend,"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ The math teacher saw that little wasn't paying attention in class. She called on and said, "! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 4, in 
0476 Romulus Augustulus, the last emperor of the western
Roman Empire, was deposed when Odoacer proclaimed himself
King of Italy. 

1609 English navigator Henry Hudson began exploring the
island of Manhattan. 

1781 Los Angeles, CA, was founded by Spanish settlers. The
original name was "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de
Los Angeles de Porciuncula," which translates as "The Town
of the Queen of Angels." 

1825 New York Governor Clinton ceremoniously emptied a
barrel of Lake Erie water in the Atlantic Ocean to
consummate the "Marriage of the Waters" of the Great Lakes
and the Atlantic. 

1833 Barney Flaherty answered an ad in "The New York Sun"
and became the first newsboy/paperboy at the age of 10. 

1882 Thomas Edison's Pearl Street electric power station
began operations in New York City. It was the first display
of a practical electrical lighting system. 

1885 The Exchange Buffet opened in New York City. It was the
first self-service cafeteria in the U.S. 

1886 Geronimo, and the Apache Indians he led, surrendered in
Skeleton Canyon in Arizona to Gen. Nelson Miles. 

1888 George Eastman registered the name "Kodak" and patented
his roll-film camera. The camera took 100 exposures per
roll. 

1894 A strike in New York City by 12,000 tailors took place
to protest sweatshops. 

1899 An 8.3 earthquake hit Yakutat Bar, AK. 

1917 The American expeditionary force in France suffered its
first fatalities in World War I. 

1921 The first police broadcast was made by radio station
WIL in St. Louis, MO. 

1923 The first American dirigible, the "Shenandoah," began
its maiden voyage in Lakehurst, NJ. 

1944 During World War II, British troops entered the city of
Antwerp, Belgium. 

1948 The Dutch Queen Wilhelmina left her throne for health
reasons. 

1949 The longest pro tennis match in history was played when
Pancho Gonzales and Ted Schroeder played 67 games in five
sets. 

1951 The first live, coast-to-coast TV broadcast took place
in the U.S. The event took place in San Francisco, CA, from
the Japanese Peace Treaty Conference. It was seen all the
way to New York City, NY. 

1957 The Arkansas National Guard was ordered by Governor
Orval Faubus to keep nine black students from going into
Little Rock's Central High School. 

1957 The Ford Motor Company began selling the Edsel. The car
was so unpopular that it was taken off the market after only
two years. 

1967 "Gilligan's Island" aired for the last time on CBS-TV.
It ran for 98 shows. 

1967 Michigan Gov. George Romney said during a TV interview
that he had undergone "brainwashing" by U.S. officials while
visiting Vietnam in 1965. 

1972 Swimmer Mark Spitz captured his seventh Olympic gold
medal in the 400-meter medley relay event at Munich,
Germany. Spitz was the first Olympian to win seven gold
medals. 

1981 The Soviet Union began war games with about 100,000
troops on the Polish border. 

1983 U.S. officials announced that there had been an
American plane, used for reconnaissance, in the vicinity of
the Korean Air Lines flight that was shot down. 

1986 South African security forces halted a mass funeral for
the victims of the riot in Soweto. 

1989 A reconnaissance satellite was released by the Air
Force's Titan Three rocket. The Titan Three set over 200
satellites into space between 1964 and 1989. 

1998 In Mexico, bankers stopped approving personal loans and
mortgages. 

1998 The International Monetary Fund approved a $257 million
loan for the Ukraine. 

1998 Google was incorporated as a privately held company. 

1998 While in Ireland, U.S. President Clinton said the words
"I'm sorry" for the first time about his affair with Monica
Lewinsky and described his behavior as indefensible. 

1999 The United Nations announced that the residents of East
Timor had overwhelmingly voted for independence from
Indonesia in a referendum held on August 30. In Dili, pro-
Indonesian militias attacked independence supporters, burned
buildings, blew up bridges and destroyed telecommunication
facilities. 

2002 The Oakland Athletics won their AL-record 20th straight
game. The A's gave up an 11-run lead during the game and
then won the game on a Scott Hatteberg home run in the
bottom of the ninth inning. 

2003 Keegan Reilly, 22, became the first parapalegic climber
to reach the peak of Japan's Mount Fuji. 

2017  smiled.


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Locked by PREsubscribe 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, September 3

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Fugitive COVERED in tattoos on the run
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 3 in
1935 Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first person to drive
an automobile over 300 miles an hour. He reached 304.331 MPH
on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. --- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again and he screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down and an even larger chunk of plaster fell, this time hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!" Little Johnny, smoking up in the organist's loft, was all out of plaster pieces, so he beaned him with a bible. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Things My Mother Taught Me My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like." ______________________________________________________ Eclipse 2017 through brown #8 welding lenses _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Eric Judkins, 42, Manchester, New Hampshire Fugitive COVERED in tattoos on the run Authorities in New Hampshire are seeking the public’s help in finding an escaped inmate with tattoos covering his shaved head, face, neck, chest, arm and hands. The U.S. Marshals’ New Hampshire Joint Fugitive Task Force says 42-year-old Eric Judkins was an inmate at a halfway house in Manchester. He failed to return to the facility on Monday night. Judkins was serving part of a 27-month sentence for assault on a fellow inmate in federal prison. Authorities say the assault happened while Judkins was serving a 17½-year sentence for a 1999 bank robbery. They should offer a job hanging WANTED posters. He weems to be dumb enough to apply. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: CELH Re: Angelwinks Cards Dear Webby, please send me daily cards please CELH Dear CELH E-mail address 'angelblu***@gmail.com' is already in the AngelWinks PODs pre-subscribe list! Please, confirm your subscription! The PRE subscribe only works for 72 hours. After that, you have to try again. Check in your SPAM. Make sure you are not blocking mail from Angelwinks! You may have to make a filter to s afeguard it. Once you are in the PREsubscribe list, waiting for your confirmation click, your address is blocked for 72 hours. You can be in the PREsubscribe list only once at a time. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Connie for this joke: Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it, but two of them invited him to come on over and see for himself that she was all alone and very lonely. Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he slept over and was still there.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Longer Lasting Pantyhose Before wearing pantyhose for the first time, put them in the freezer overnight. First get the pantyhose wet, gently ring them out put them in the freezer overnight. Once frozen, pull them out slowly and hang to them to dry. Why does it work? I have no idea, but this tip has been around for ages and people swear by. You can also spray pantyhose lightly with a spray starch to help prevent runs. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
Lady gets caught speeding
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for the update she got from her IT department: MEMO: IT SYSTEM UPGRADE Dear All, As part of our on going cost-cutting exercise, we are proposing a major change to our Desktop policy and a further move towards a recycling and paperless office. The goal is to remove all laptop computers by March 2018 and all desktop computers by April 2018. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Technical Justification: 1. No boot-up problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. 4. No more worries about power cuts. 5. Budget savings on upgrades unparalleled 6. No danger of viruses and worms infecting our data. Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. Regards, IT Department. ___________________________________________________
I want one of these!
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for this confession: My wife left me...I don't understand. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $75 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer, and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Well, that's what the beer was for.” Somehow I don't think she'll be back soon.
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited many years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light ever again' five hundred times, in nice, legible cursive." ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 3, in 
1189 England's King Richard I was crowned in Westminster. 

1783 The Revolutionary War between the U.S. and Great
Britain ended with the Treaty of Paris. 

1833 The first successful penny newspaper in the U.S., "The
New York Sun," was launched by Benjamin H. Day. 

1838 Frederick Douglass boarded a train in Maryland on his
way to freedom from being a slave. 

1895 The first professional football game was played in
Latrobe, PA. The Latrobe YMCA defeated the Jeannette
Athletic Club 12-0. 

1935 Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first person to drive
an automobile over 300 miles an hour. He reached 304.331 MPH
on the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah. 

1939 British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, in a radio
broadcast, announced that Britain and France had declared
war on Germany. Germany had invaded Poland on September 1
and Britain wanted to get in on Germany's economic recovery.


1943 Italy was invaded by the Allied forces during WWII. 

1954 "The Lone Ranger" was heard on radio for the final time
after 2,956 episodes over a period of 21 years. 

1966 The television series "The Adventures of Ozzie and
Harriet" ended after 14 years. 

1967 Nguyen Van Thieu was elected president of South Vietnam
under a new constitution. 

1967 In Sweden, motorists stopped driving on the left side
of the road and began driving on the right side. 

1976 The U.S. spacecraft Viking 2 landed on Mars. The
unmanned spacecraft took the first close-up, color photos of
the planet's surface. 

1981 Egypt arrested more than 1,500 opponents of the
government. 

1986 Peat Marwick International and Klynveld Main Goerdeler
of the Netherlands agreed to merge and form the world’s
largest accounting firm. 

1989 The U.S. began shipping military aircraft and weapons,
worth $65 million, to Columbia in its fight against drug
lords. 

1994 Russia and China announced that they would no longer be
targeting nuclear missiles or using force against each
other. 

1999 Mario Lemieux's ownership group officially took over
the National Hockey League's Pittsburgh Penguins. Lemieux
became the first player in the modern era of sports to buy
the team he had once played for. 

2013 Hunters in Mississippi caught a 727-pound alligator. 

2017  smiled.


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Outlook version of Excel IF formula 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, September 2

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Kentucky burglar steals school bus, leads herd of 
cops on an Interstate chase.
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 2 in
31 B.C. The Roman leader Octavian defeated the alliance of
Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Octavian, as Augustus Caesar,
became the first Roman emperor. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided. --- Casey Stengel (1890 - 1975) The man who lets himself be bored is even more contemptible than the bore. --- Samuel Butler (1835 - 1902) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in the drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big Deal," muttered . "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brandon Peckinpaugh, 24, Jefferson County, Kentucky Kentucky burglar steals school bus, leads herd of cops on an Interstate chase. There was an unlikely sight on Birmingham area interstates Monday morning as law enforcement officers from multiple agencies chased a stolen school bus. Brandon Peckinpaugh, 24, of Kentucky, was booked into the Jefferson County Jail shortly before 11 a.m. Monday. He is charged with attempting to elude law enforcement, reckless endangerment and resisting arrest. His bond is set at $15,000. In Blount County, authorities Monday afternoon charged him with five felonies: first-degree theft of property, two counts of unlawful breaking and entering of a vehicle, and two counts of theft of second-degree, theft of property. Authorities there said he broke into two vehicles early Monday, and stole a gun from each. The Alabama Law Enforcement Agency is expected to seek an attempted murder warrant against him for running into a state trooper vehicle. Peckinpaugh told authorities his friends left him, and he needed a ride. It all began about 1 a.m. when authorities say the bus was stolen from the home of a bus driver in Blount County. Blount County Sheriff's Office Operations Manager Tim Kent said the bus was taken during an early-morning spate of burglaries in the Oscar Bradford Road area. Authorities later received a call from a citizen who was following the stolen school bus near Finley Boulevard in Birmingham. That citizen was told to stop following the bus and law enforcement officers were notified. Jefferson County sheriff's Chief Deputy Randy Christian said they came in contact with the bus at 7:40 a.m. after they were notified by the Blount County Sheriff's Office that a school bus had been stolen from their jurisdiction by a white male suspect. No children were on board the bus at the time. At about 8:01 a.m. deputies came into contact with the stolen bus on I-59 southbound at exit 110 and attempted to stop the bus, Christian said. The driver refused to stop and a pursuit ensued. The driver led law enforcement through the McCalla and the Oxmoor Road areas before heading onto I-459 northbound. The driver hit a State Trooper vehicle and attempted to hit several other law enforcement vehicles involved in the pursuit. The school bus was ultimately stopped on Interstate 459 at Acton Road. Christian said the driver threw a handgun out of the school bus window. He was taken into custody without incident. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Michael Re: Spreadsheet IF formula on Outlook Dear Webby, Since you used "<" and ">" instead of < and > for the inequality symbols in your answer to Lisa, the HTML in your email was invalid, and my Outlook didn’t display anything between those two symbols, so the Excel formula and your explanation were garbled. (See your answer below – that’s exactly how it appeared on my computer.) When I looked at your email in a browser, it showed the missing text, but only because the browser is more forgiving of invalid HTML than Outlook is. Dear Michael I had forgotten that Outluck does not seem to honor the PRE command. Sorry about that! OK, here is a version for Outluck: Dear Lisa Yes, sure! You can do just about anything with spreadsheets. Just copy this formula into the top cell in the first column, and then copy it down into every cell of that column. @IF(B1-2<@TODAY,B1,"") B1 will automatically increment, as you copy down. The cells of birthdays that are tomorrow or before will show the date, the ones safely in the future will be blank. If you want more than one day safety margin, use B1-3 or whatever number you want. Since the URGENT date will stay in B1, you might want to add a cleaner: @IF(B1+10>@TODAY,B1,"") That way, if the URGENT date in B1 is 10 days past, it will get cleaned. Have FUN! DearWebby

>From England A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead right here in the hallway!."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com By jeri johnson [1 Post, 31 Comments] Best Answer Try soaking the tub over night with a product called "Iron Out" this worked great on a terrible rusty yellow stain left on a tub by our last tenets. Nothing else even budged it. ____________________________________________________
" target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nLmM9kcBKs"> Angels in Heaven Chris Rodrigues & the Spoon Lady
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: A gent from Chicago was on a fishing vacation up north in the Wisconsin woods. He was out fishing on a lake in a small boat and not having much luck. He noticed a man in another small boat that was close by, open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and enquired, "What is the mirror for?" "That's my secret way to catch fish," replied the other man. "I Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim up to the surface. Then I just reach down, net them and pull them into the boat." "Wow! Does that really work?" exclaimed the guy from Chicago "You bet it does." was the response. "Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $50 for it." offered the big city gent. "Well, okay." said the country guy. After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many did you catch this week?" The country local, grinned and said, "You're the sixth." ___________________________________________________
Your music is hiding things from you.
___________________________________________________ 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A)'65 Ford Fairlane (B)'69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C)'64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed? 6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front? 7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed acountry-western singer? Added bonus for taking the REDNECK CHALLENGE: Some Southern-style advice that will come in handy down the road apiece. Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a young woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man shrugged, "Yeah, well, that's the fringe benefit I get for owning the company." ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 2, in 
31 B.C. The Roman leader Octavian defeated the alliance of
Mark Antony and Cleopatra. Octavian, as Augustus Caesar,
became the first Roman emperor. 

1666 The Great Fire of London broke out. The fire burned for
three days destroying 10,000 buildings including St. Paul's
Cathedral. Only 6 people were killed. 

1775 Hannah, the first American war vessel was commissioned
by General George Washington. 

1789 The U.S. Treasury Department was established. 

1864 During the U.S. Civil War Union forces led by Gen.
William T. Sherman occupied Atlanta following the retreat of
the Confederates. 

1901 Theodore Roosevelt, then Vice President, said "Speak
softly and carry a big stick" in a speech at the Minnesota
State Fair. 

1930 The "Question Mark" made the first non-stop flight from
Europe to the U.S. The plane was flown by Captain Dieudonne
Coste and Maurice Bellonte. 

1938 The first railroad car to be equipped with fluorescent
lighting was put into operation on the New York Central
railroad. 

1945 Japan surrendered to the U.S. aboard the USS Missouri,
ending World War II. The war ended six years and one day
after it began. 

1945 Ho Chi Minh declared the independence the Democratic
Republic of Vietnam. 

1961 The U.S.S.R. resumed nuclear weapons testing. Test ban
treaty negotiations had failed with the U.S. and Britain
when the three nations could not agree upon the nature and
frequency of on-site inspections. 

1963 The integration of Tuskegee High School was prevented
by state troopers assigned by Alabama Gov. George Wallace.
Wallace had the building surrounded by state troopers. 

1985 It was announced that the Titanic had been found on
September 1 by a U.S. and French expedition 560 miles off
Newfoundland. The luxury liner had been missing for 73
years. 

1991 The U.S. formally recognized the independence of
Lithuania, Lativa and Estonia. 

1992 The U.S. and Russia agreed to a joint venture to build
a space station. 

1996 Muslim rebels and the Philippine government signed a
pact formally ending 26-years of insurgency that had killed
more than 120,000 people. 

1998 In Canada, pilots for Canada's largest airline launch
their first strike in Air Canada's history. 

2017  smiled.


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Spreadsheet IF formula 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, September 1
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Thank you, James!
Thank you, Sig!


Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Davenport gang member sentenced to federal time 
on gun charge
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Sept 1 in
1939 World War II began when England used Germany's invasion
of Poland as an excuse to interfere with traditional
continental border re-shuffling. Parts of Poland had been
German before WWI, and once even Swiss.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. --- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910) The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. --- Oscar Wilde There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --- Cicero, (in De Divinatione) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'" The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A dog named Sex Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy", I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said,"I'd like one too!" then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "You don't need a special room . As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore." When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said,"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said,"This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married , Sex left me. He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot people." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Eugene Williams Jr., 22, Davenport, Illinois Davenport gang member sentenced to federal time on gun charge A convicted felon who threatened to shoot officers if he was sent to jail, was sentenced to five years and eight months in prison in U.S. District Court on Wednesday, Aug. 30. Eugene Williams Jr., 22, was arrested in August, 2016 after police executed a search warrant for his apartment and vehicle following a tip that he was selling drugs. When his vehicle was searched, officers found a 9 mm handgun, a box of ammunition as well as small amounts of heroin and marijuana. In the course of arrest, according to court documents, Williams threatened to shoot the officers after serving his time. In the arrest affidavit accompanying the 2016 charges, Williams was identified as a member of the Savage Life gang in Davenport. His previous felony convictions came in 2013 for selling cocaine and for an escape in 2014, according to court records. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Lisa Re: Spreadsheet IF formula Dear Webby, I use a spreadsheet to keep track of birthdays. I got the dates in the second column, and need a formula to put the date also in the first column, if the date is within one day of today or before. Can that be done? Lisa Dear Lisa I use a spreadsheet to keep track of birthdays. I got the dates in the second column, and need a formula to put the date also in the first column, if the date is within one day of today or before. Can that be done? Lisa Dear Lisa Yes, sure! You can do just about anything with spreadsheets. Just copy this formula into the top cell in the first column, and then copy it down into every cell of that column. @IF(B1-2<@TODAY,B1,"") B1 will automatically increment, as you copy down. The cells of birthdays that are tomorrow or before will show the date, the ones safely in the future will be blank. If you want more than one day safety margin, use B1-3 or whatever number you want. Since the URGENT date will stay in B1, you might want to add a cleaner: @IF(B1+10>@TODAY,B1,"") That way, if the URGENT date in B1 is 10 days past, it will get cleaned. Have FUN! DearWebby

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled. "Morons," the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you." They took the bus.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Pickle Juice for Leg Cramps By Jackie [15 Posts, 41 Comments] Drink pickle juice! My husband gets really bad leg cramps and he learned that as soon as he gets them he drinks a little bit of pickle juice and it takes them right away. My brother in law tried it too and it worked for him! ____________________________________________________
" target="_blank" >https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nLmM9kcBKs"> Angels in Heaven Chris Rodrigues & the Spoon Lady
____________________________________________________ A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ", what's your problem?" answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took to the principal's office. While waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give a test. If failed to answer any of his questions, was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. was brought in and the conditions were explained and agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" : "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" : "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask some questions." The principal and both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" , after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" : "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" : "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" : "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" : "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...". ----------------------------- If that joke said: "Put Friend in the fifth-grade, " then you forgot to put your first or nickname into your subscription "First Name or Nickname" slot. The same goes for "First Names or Nicknames" like "Ms Hortensia Parker-Blubbersnoot III", "Wabbit and George", "Maw & Paw", etc. Just hit REPLY and tell me what to correct your "First Name or Nickname" field to. ___________________________________________________
I love libraries! 2017.
___________________________________________________ From Rae Thanks so much for helping me to get things transferred to a new unit. I appreciate your help, pictures, jokes and convenient links in your news letter. I save, then print a lot of the clean jokes to send to elderly people without computers. They enjoy and pass them on to their friends. Thought you'd like to know your humor is really far reaching. Thanks again, Rae
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Kati for this story: When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men. ____________________________________________________

Today, Sept 1, in 
1799 The Bank of Manhattan Company opened in New York City,
NY. It was the forerunner of Chase Manhattan. 

1807 Former U.S. Vice President Aaron Burr was found
innocent of treason. 

1810 The first plow with interchangeable parts was patented
by John J. Wood. 

1859 The Pullman sleeping car was placed into service. 

1878 Emma M. Nutt became the first female telephone operator
in the U.S. The company was the Telephone Dispatch Company
of Boston. 

1884 The Thomas A. Edison Construction Department and the
Edison Company for Isolated Lighting merged. 

1887 Emile Berliner filed for a patent for his invention of
the lateral-cut, flat-disk gramophone. It is a device that
is better known as a record player. Thomas Edison made the
idea work. 

1897 The first section of Boston's subway system was opened.


1905 Saskatchewan and Alberta became the ninth and tenth
provinces of Canada. 

1939 World War II began when England used Germany's invasion
of Poland as an excuse to interfere with traditional
continental border re-shuffling. Parts of Poland had been
German before WWI, and once even Swiss.

1942 A federal judge in Sacramento, CA, upheld the wartime
detention of Japanese-Americans as well as Japanese
nationals. 

1945 The U.S. received official word of Japan's formal
surrender that ended World War II. In Japan, it was actually
September 2nd. 

1949 "Martin Kane, Private Eye" debuted on NBC-TV. 

1951 The ANZUS Treaty, a mutual defense pact, was signed by
the U.S., Australia and New Zealand. 

1969 Col. Moammar Gadhafi came into power in Libya after the
government was overthrown. 

1971 Danny Murtaugh (Pittsburgh Pirates) gave his lineup
card to the umpire with the names of nine black baseball
players on it. This was a first for Major League Baseball. 

1972 America’s Bobby Fischer beat Russia’s Boris Spassky to
become world chess champion. The chess match took place in
Reykjavik, Iceland. 

1979 The U.S. Pioneer 11 became the first spacecraft to
visit Saturn. 

1982 Mexican President Jose Lopez Portillo closed all the
country's private banks. 

1985 The Titanic was found by Dr. Robert Ballard and Jean
Louis Michel in a joint U.S. and French expedition. The
wreck site is located 963 miles northeast of New York and
453 miles southeast of the Newfoundland coast. 

1986 Jerry Lewis raised a record $34 million for Muscular
Dystrophy during his annual telethon for Jerry’s kids over
the Labor Day weekend. 

1997 In France, the prosecutor's office announced that the
driver of the car, in which Britain's Princess Diana was
killed, was over the legal alcohol limit. 

1998 The movie "Titanic" went on sale across North America. 

1998 J.K. Rowling's book "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's
Stone" was released in the U.S. This was the first book in
the Harry Potter series. 

1998 Vietnam released 5,000 prisoners, including political
dissidents, on National Day. 

1999 Twenty-two of major league baseball's 68 permanent
umpires were replaced. The problem arose from their union's
failed attempt to force an early start to negotiations for a
new labor contract. 

2017  smiled.


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Making download folders 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, August 31

The smoke from the forest fires is getting rather thick.
Not just a faint camp fire smell, but thick smoke obscuring
vision. This evening, while turning around when I was
bringing my pick-up to Barb, -her car, a PT Cruiser is a
lemon and now needs a water pump-, I backed into the driver
side door of her neighbor across the street.

I lost a taillight, just expensive plastic, but his nice
Volvo now has a nasty crease in the door. 
@#$% Smoke! 

The insurance will pay for the damage to the Volvo, but I
need to find some some cash for the tail light assembly of
my pick-up, before the cops order it off the road.

If you happen to have any excess cash in your piggy bank
 or PayPal, please send it to me! 

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
7-year-old girl was asleep in grandparents' home 
before she was abducted, thrown off bridge
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 31 in
1998 A ballistic missile was fired over Japan by North
Korea. The missile landed in stages in the waters around
Japan. There was no known target. 
Same as the missile they fired 2 days ago.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken. --- Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A misguided father spoke with his teen offspring: "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get! It's an exchange thing." So, the son showed up for his date with flowers. She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. "Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'll be right back. There are tons more flowers down at the cemetery, just a block away!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ "Hey, Sven," said Ole, "how many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?" After Sven replied he didn't know, Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Joshua Hubert, 35, Worcester, Massachusetts 7-year-old girl was asleep in grandparents' home before she was abducted, thrown off bridge by family friend The 7-year-old girl who police say was thrown off a bridge and into Lake Quinsigamond Sunday by a family friend was asleep on a chair inside her grandparent's home when she was grabbed, a prosecutor said Monday. Joshua Hubert, 35, of Worcester denied any involvement in the alleged abduction and attack on the 7-year-old girl Sunday morning. Prosecutor Cheryl Riddle said the girl was asleep in the living room at her grandparent's Forestdale Road home in Worcester when Hubert grabbed her and forced the child into his car around 2:30 a.m. Hubert was at the home attending a cookout, police said. Investigators said Hubert drove around with the girl in his car for more than an hour. At one point he stopped driving and choked the girl, police said. Eventually Hubert drove to a bridge between Worcester and Shrewsbury and threw the girl into Lake Quinsigmaond, police said. Police believe the girl was thrown from the Interstate 290 bridge based on where she ended up in Shrewsbury, but investigators are still working to confirm. The girl survived the fall, swam to shore and walked to a home nearby in Shrewsbury. "At approximately 4:30 a.m., about two hours later, a woman from Shrewsbury was awoken by knocks at her door and found the 7-year-old victim standing at her door in pajamas soaking wet," Riddle said. The girl told investigators she went to the nearest house that had lights on. The girl also identified Hubert as the man who attacked her. The girl had bruises on her body, marks on her neck and other injuries, Riddle said. She told investigators Hubert strangled her and threw her off the bridge. Hubert was arrested at the police station and arraigned on a kidnapping charge Monday in Worcester Central District Court. He is being held without bail until Thursday when he returns to court for a dangerousness hearing. More charges are expected to be filed against Hubert, the prosecutor said. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Louise Re: Download directories Dear Webby, There is a site I go to where I can download graphics.When I download them to downloads I can see what I have downloaded. When I go to downloads there is nothing there. Where did they disappear to? Also how would I make a new folder to put these downloads in so I can find them? I appreciate all the help you give me and others. Louise Dear Louise Windows downloads to the last location selected as a download destination, unless you tell it otherwise. Download something else, and you will see where it puts the stuff nowadays. You can also write down the name of the file you downloaded, and then do a search for it. A lot of your missing stuff will also be there. Use "SearchEverything". It is much faster than the Windows search. It will tell you the location of where that stuff is. You don't even need a complete file name, just part of it is usually enough. New folders: Use the File Explorer. Click on TOOOLS, Folder Options. Set it to use CLASSICAL mode and hit OK If necessary, click on Folders, so that it divides into 2 sections, with folders on the left and files on the right. NOW you have a useful tool. Find the root directory: (It's inconveniently hidden way down, in the My Computer icon) C:\ Highlight it. Go to the right side and Right-Click NEW Folder while "NewFolder" is still highlighted, type into it: 1down That will be your easy to find new download directory. Double-click it to go into it. Nothing there yet. Click on the icon to the left of the address bar on top, and drag it to an empty spot on the desktop, near the START button. Now you have a convenient and direct route to "1down". Right-Click in the empty space on the right side of the Explorer, where the new downloads will go, and select NEW, FOLDER. Name this folder PIX Then make one for MUSIC and one for MOVIES and one for KEEPERS. Now download something, but select as the download destination c:\1down It will show up in the folder you made, and if it is a picture, you drag it into PIX. Have FUN! DearWebby

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Worksheets A great way to get more life out of worksheets is to use the clear plastic sheets made for overhead projectors on top of the worksheet. Then fill out the worksheet using pens made for overhead projectors. You can clean off the sheets and use them again and again. This is an especially useful tip for homeschoolers. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
Why TV reporters never wear green
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Kati, today we have a Minnesota Special. Before any silly dogooders get their bloomers into a knot, I'll clarify the difference between Swedes and Norvegians. There isn't any. They are all Minnasohtans, just some tell Norvegian jokes and some tell Swede jokes. Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus." ___________________________________________________
Photos of extreme weather events. 2017.
___________________________________________________ Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come," asked Lars? "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars. ____________________________________________________

Today, August 31, in 
1823 Ferdinand VII was restored to the throne of Spain when
invited French forces entered Cadiz. The event is known as
the Battle of Trocadero. 

1852 The first pre-stamped envelopes were created with
legislation of the U.S. Congress. 

1881 The first tennis championships in the U.S. were played.


1887 The kinetoscope was patented by Thomas Edison. The
device was used to produce moving pictures. 

1920 The first news program to be broadcast on radio was
aired. The station was 8MK in Detroit, MI. 

1920 John Lloyd Wright was issued a patent for "Toy-Cabin
Construction," which are known as Lincoln Logs. (U.S. patent
1,351,086) 

1935 The act of exporting U.S. arms to belligerents was
prohibited by an act signed by U.S. President Franklin D.
Roosevelt.

1962 The Caribbean nations Tobago and Trinidad became
independent within the British Commonwealth. 

1964 California officially became the most populated state
in the USA. 

1980 Poland's Solidarity labor movement was born with an
agreement signed in Gdansk that ended a 17-day strike. 

1989 Great Britain's Princess Anne and Mark Phillips
announced that they were separating. The marriage was 16
years old. 

1990 U.N. Secretary-General Javier Perez de Cuellar met with
the Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz to try and negotiate a
solution to the crisis in the Persian Gulf. 

1990 East and West Germany signed a treaty that meant the
harmonizing of political and legal systems. 

1991 Uzbekistan and Kirghiziz declared their independence
from the Soviet Union. They were the 9th and 10th republics
to announce their plans to secede. 

1991 In a "Solidarity Day" protest hundreds of thousands of
union members marched in Washington, DC. 

1993 Russia withdrew its last soldiers from Lithuania. 

1994 A cease-fire was declared by the Irish Republican Army
after 25 years of bloodshed in Northern Ireland. 

1994 Russia officially ended its military presence in the
former East Germany and the Baltics after a half-century. 

1998 A ballistic missile was fired over Japan by North
Korea. The missile landed in stages in the waters around
Japan. There was no known target.

2017  smiled.


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KVM switch with Audio 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, August 30

Has anyone seen BLACK LIVES MATTER, ANTIFA, or BLACK PANTHERS
helping in South Texas?

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
North Dakota woman accused in death of pregnant woman 
and kidnapping of newborn
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 30 in
1645 American Indians and the Dutch made a peace treaty 
at New Amsterdam. New Amsterdam later became known as 
New York. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. --- Kilgore Trout, Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable. --- Trey Parker and Matt Stone Every war has two sides, and just two. One of them is called the enemy side. --- Tacitus Nowadays, there is a third side, the media. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m. the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, hate to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea" she replied, "just for tonight, let's pretend we are married." "Wow, that's a great idea," he exclaimed. "Good" she replied, "get your own damn blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted, long and loud. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Groan Alert from Sandie! Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!" I suppose that you thought I lacked DeGaulle to send you a story like this ~~!!! ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brooke Lynn Crews, 38, William Henry Hoehn, 32 Fargo, North Dakota North Dakota woman accused in death of pregnant woman and kidnapping of newborn New details have emerged in the case of a North Dakota couple charged in the death of their eight-months-pregnant neighbor and the kidnapping of a baby believed to be hers, according to court documents obtained by PEOPLE. Brooke Lynn Crews, 38, and her boyfriend, 32-year-old William Henry Hoehn, are charged in the death of neighbor Savanna LaFontaine-Greywind, who had last been seen Aug. 19 before her body was found in a river Sunday night. According to the documents, Hoehn allegedly told police he arrived home from work on Aug. 19 to find Crews cleaning up blood in the bathroom. She was also holding a baby girl and allegedly told him, “This is our baby, this is our family,” the charging documents state. A newborn girl, believed to be LaFontaine-Greywind’s, was found in the apartment of the suspects, which the pregnant woman visited hours before she was reported missing. According to the court documents, Crews told detectives she had invited LaFontaine-Greywind to the couple’s apartment and taught the pregnant woman how to self-induce birth by breaking her own water. Crews claimed LaFontaine-Greywind gave her the baby on Aug. 21 — two days after LaFontaine-Greywind vanished from the same apartment building. Hoehn allegedly told police he removed garbage bags containing bloody towels and his own bloody shoes and allegedly left them in a dumpster in West Fargo. Crews and Hoehn have each been charged with conspiracy to commit murder, conspiracy to commit kidnapping and providing false information to law enforcement. They have not yet entered pleas to the charges against them. It is unclear if they have lawyers who could comment on their behalf. Both Hoehn and Crews remained in jail on Monday without bond. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Robin Re: KVM plus Audio switch Dear Webby, Starting soon I will have 2 computers on my desk. I understand you can connect both computers with a KVM switch but will connecting 2 computers to one monitor sacrifice performance? I see that there is a switch which includes a speaker and microphone but I don't think that is necessary..I only need speakers for one computer, which I already have..I don't think including an audio set with the switch means you won't have audio unless you get a switch with this feature, but I'm not sure. Your opinion? Thanks....R.J. Dear Robin There is no loss of hardware performance. You only need an audio switch included if you run the audio through your home or office stereo, like I do. However, if you use the little squeakers, that come with computers, connected to each machine, then each will have it's own sound anyway. Personally, I did not bother with an audio switch. Computer 1 goes to the stereo, computer 2 uses it's own squeakers. Those are plenty good enough for error beeps and announcement pings. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Cookie for this story: Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three mornings in a row he found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighborhood again at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie. Larry hurried outside and confronted the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our very quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "She said If she loses her beauty sleep one more night, she says she'll leave."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Freezing Green Tomatoes Don't waste all the green tomatoes left over at the end of the growing season. Wash and slice the tomatoes. Pour out some yellow cornmeal in a shallow dish. Coat the tomatoes well. Stack the slices in baggies and freeze. Next time you want Fried Green Tomatoes, just place them in your buttered pan and fry! Salt, pepper or seasonings can be added at this time. By Mairmie ____________________________________________________
YeoJin Shim 2016
____________________________________________________ A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you." ___________________________________________________
People have always mugged for the camera. Be sure to look at Volumes 1, 2 and 3 too. 2017.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Dave for this: My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ >From Liz Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!" ____________________________________________________

Today, August 30, in 
1146 European leaders outlawed the crossbow, the original
"Equalizer".

1645 American Indians and the Dutch made a peace treaty at New
Amsterdam. New Amsterdam later became known as New York. 

1682 William Penn sailed from England and later established the
colony of Pennsylvania in America. 

1780 General Benedict Arnold secretly promised to surrender the
West Point fort to the British army. 

1806 New York City's second daily newspaper, the "Daily
Advertiser," was published for the last time. 

1809 Charles Doolittle Walcott first discovered fossils near
Burgess Pass. He named the site Burgess Shale after nearby Mt.
Burgess. 

1862 The Confederates defeated Union forces at the second
Battle of Bull Run in Manassas, VA. 

1928 The Independence of India League was established in India.


1941 During World War II, the Nazis severed the last railroad
link between Leningrad and the rest of the Soviet Union. 

1945 General Douglas MacArthur set up Allied occupation
headquarters in Japan. 

1951 The Philippines and the United States signed a defense
pact. 

1956 In Louisianna, the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway opened. 

1960 A partial blockade was imposed on West Berlin by East
Germany. 

1963 The "Hotline" between Moscow and Washington, DC, went into
operation. 

1965 Thurgood Marshall was confirmed by the U.S. Senate as a
Supreme Court justice. Marshall was the first black justice to
sit on the Supreme Court. 

1982 P.L.O. leader Yasir Arafat left Beirut for Greece. 

1983 The space shuttle Challenger blasted off with Guion S.
Bluford Jr. aboard. He was the first black American to travel
in space. 

1984 The space shuttle Discovery lifted off for the first time.
On the voyage three communications satellites were deployed. 

1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan, and several others, were
inducted into the Sportscasters Hall of Fame. 

1991 The Soviet republic of Azerbaijan declared its
independence. 

1994 Rosa Parks was robbed and beaten by Joseph Skipper. Parks
was known for her refusal to give up her seat on a bus in 1955,
which sparked the civil rights movement. 

1994 The largest U.S. defense contractor was created when the
Lockheed and Martin Marietta corporations agreed to a merger. 

1996 An expedition to raise part of the Titanic failed when the
nylon lines being used to raise part of the hull snapped. 

1999 The residents of East Timor overwhelmingly voted for
independence from Indonesia. The U.N. announced the result on
September 4. 

2002 Conoco Inc. and Phillips Petroleum merged to create
ConocoPhillips. The new company was the third largest
integrated energy company and the second largest refining
company in the U.S. 

2017  smiled.


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Quality newsletter 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, August 29

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Clumsy Georgia robbers in Florida drop cash drawer
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 28 in
1842 The Treaty of Nanking was signed by the British and the
Chinese. The treaty ended the first Opium War, gave Britain a
right and monopoly to sell opium in China and gave the island
of Hong Kong to Britain. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. --- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885) To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself. --- Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --- Abraham Lincoln Tarot Reading is the art of describing others as they would like to see themselves. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Rabbi Morris Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Johnny handed in a poor paper. "This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." "It wasn't just one person," replied Little Johnny defensively. "My father helped me...." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by John Kitchen, 29, from Saint Marys, Ga., Dwight Dasher, 29, of Folkston, Ga. in jail in Florida now Clumsy Georgia robbers in Florida drop cash drawer Two men were caught after robbing the Vegas 777 Internet Café in Yulee, the Nassau County Sheriff’s Office said. The robbery occurred shortly before 2 a.m. Monday. Police said two men wearing hoodies entered the business with a gun. One man went to the cash register while one kept an eye on the door, police said. The suspect carrying the drawer full of money dropped it and spilled money all over the floor. The suspects grabbed what they could and fled onto U.S. 17 at a high rate of speed, police said. The Nassau County Sheriff’s Office quickly pulled over the men. Money was on the floorboard on the car. The suspects were identified as John Kitchen, 29, from Saint Marys, Ga., and Dwight Dasher, 29, of Folkston, Ga. Both suspects were arrested and booked into the Nassau County Jail. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bris Re: Quality newsletter Dear Webby, I'm amazed at the consistency and quality of your newsletter. Hope you get paid accordingly! Bris Dear Bris Not yet, but I am definitely ready for it! Have FUN! DearWebby

In the cafeteria on the first day of fall semester at Kent State University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators. Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was. One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until Christmas break."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Friends of the Library Books Sales A great way to support your local library and find good deals on books is to go to library book sales. Most libraries have them multiple times each year and the prices are very reasonable. Plus, the money goes back into the library to support buying new books or community resources. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
In Memory of Jay Thomas, (7-12-48 to 8-24-17) - The Lone Ranger Story
____________________________________________________ A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come to be?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." ___________________________________________________
Avocado pits carved into tiny forest spirits. 2017.
___________________________________________________ "Fake breasts, women always say, 'You know they're not real, don't you? She bought them.' I don't care if they're real. I want to buy some too. For the house, put them in different rooms. And on the dashboard of the car, for when I'm driving." --- Arsenio Hall
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George and his 2 apprentices quietly parked their pickups in front of Mildred's house....walked home.... and left the trucks there all night! ____________________________________________________

Today, August 29, in 
1828 A patent was issued to Robert Turner for the self-
regulating wagon brake. It was never produced. 

1833 The "Factory Act" was passed in England to settle child
labor laws. 

1842 The Treaty of Nanking was signed by the British and the
Chinese. The treaty ended the first Opium War, gave Britain a
right and monopoly to sell opium in China and gave the island
of Hong Kong to Britain. 

1885 The first prizefight under the Marquis of Queensberry
Rules was held in Cincinnati, OH. John L. Sullivan defeated
Dominick McCaffery in six rounds. 

1886 In New York City, Chinese Ambassador Li Hung-chang's chef
invented chop suey. 

1892 Pop (Billy) Shriver (Chicago Cubs) caught a ball that was
dropped from the top of the Washington Monument in Washington,
DC. 

1944 During the continuing celebration of the liberation of
France from the Nazis, 15,000 American troops marched down the
Champs Elysees in Paris. 

1945 U.S. General Douglas MacArthur left for Japan to
officially accept the surrender of the Japanese. 

1949 At the University of Illinois, a nuclear device was used
for the first time to treat cancer patients. 

1957 Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina set a filibuster
record in the U.S. when he spoke for 24 hours and 18 minutes. 

1962 The lower level of the George Washington Bridge opened. 

1965 Gemini 5, carrying astronauts Gordon Cooper and Charles
("Pete") Conrad, splashed down in the Atlantic Ocean after
eight days in space. 

1983 Two U.S. marines were killed in Lebanon by the militia
group Amal when they fired mortar shells at the Beirut airport.


1983 The anchor of the USS Monitor, from the U.S. Civil War,
was retrieved by divers. 

1990 Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, in a television interview,
declared that America could not defeat Iraq. 

1991 The Communist Party in the Soviet Union had its bank
accounts frozen and activities were suspended because of the
Party's role in the failed coup attempt against Mikhail
Gorbachev. 

1991 The republics of Russia and Ukraine signed an agreement to
stay in the Soviet Union. 

1992 The U.N. Security Council agreed to send troops to Somalia
to guard the shipments of food. 

1994 Mario Lemieux announced that he would be taking a medical
leave of absence due to fatigue, an aftereffect of his 1993
radiation treatments. He would sit out the National Hockey
Leagues (NHL) 1994-95 season. 

1998 Northwest Airlines pilots went on strike after their union
rejected a last-minute company offer. 

2004 India test-launched a nuclear-capable missle able to carry
a one-ton warhead. The weapon had a range of 1,560 miles.

2017  smiled.


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Getting rid of blacklist 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, August 28

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
13-year-old driver caught with 25 pounds of 
meth after traffic stop on I-70
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 28 in
1830 "The Tom Thumb" was demonstrated in Baltimore, MD. It was
the first passenger-carrying train to be built in America. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough. --- Jef Mallett There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. --- Cyril Connolly ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . . . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I just can't recall. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'" "Oh, that's just YOUR funds!", he explained. "You can't write any more checks until you have a job and paid off the checks you have written so far. Oh, and your Debit card won't work either until then. Banks are very strict about that!" ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by driver, 13 German Michel-Arreola, 22 Irene Michel-Arreola, 19 Los Angeles, California 13-year-old driver caught with 25 pounds of meth after traffic stop on I-70 When investigators pulled over a car for a traffic stop on Interstate 70 on Tuesday morning, they found a 13-year-old boy behind the wheel and 25 pounds of methamphetamine inside, the Mesa County Sheriff's Office said. A deputy with the Western Colorado Drug Task Force stopped the Dodge Avenger at mile post 13 west of Fruita. There were three people in the car -- the 13-year-old driver, 22-year-old German Michel-Arreola and 19-year-old Irene Michel- Arreola. Investigators say they're all from Los Angeles. Investigators say the three consented to a search of the vehicle and that's when they found 23 packages containing a crystalline substance. All three suspects are facing felony drug charges, including manufacturing, possession and distribution of a Schedule I/II substance. The 13-year-old driver is facing additional charges for driving without a license and failing to drive in a designated lane. He is being held at the Grand Mesa Youth Services Center in Grand Junction. German Michel-Arreola and Irene Michel-Arreola are being held in the Mesa County Detention Facility. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Cookie Re: Dumping blacklist Dear Webby, Thanks for the hint about not "blacklisting" spam mail in Mail Washer because of the disposable addresses. Once I got all of the blacklisted names deleted (several hundred and adding more daily) and just bounce & delete them now the processes goes much faster. As usual you are still the "Great Tech Guru!!" Cookie Dear Cookie Just set the keep time to 1 day and age off the blacklist automatically every midnight. For known pests like certain inlaws, it's much better to make a permanent filter. Have FUN! DearWebby

Writing Tips: Don't abbrev. About sentence fragments. Don't not use no double negatives. Check to see if you any words out. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. Its important to use apostrophe's right. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period Avoid clichés like the plague.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Furniture If you are going to buy cheap furniture, why not buy it really cheap? Visit your local thrift stores and look for gently used furniture. Keep an open mind. A coat of paint can make many pieces of furniture look new. Even particle board furniture can be painted, just use fine sand paper to lightly scuff the surface first. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com
____________________________________________________
YeoJin Shim age 9
____________________________________________________ The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found her- self responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him." "Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes." Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him." But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage." With one voice and in tearful outrage the children screamed, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!" ___________________________________________________
Avocado pits carved into tiny forest spirits. 2017.
___________________________________________________ Cassie walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register she saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. She she asked the clerk what the letters were supposed to mean, and the clerk replied that the letters stood for What Would Jesus Do, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. Cassie thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $19.95 for one of these caps."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is **I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month.** " "Granted. Next!" ____________________________________________________

Today, August 28, in 
1609 Delaware Bay was discovered by Henry Hudson. 

1619 Ferdinand II was elected Holy Roman Emperor. His policy of
"One church, one king" was his way of trying to outlaw
Protestantism. 

1830 "The Tom Thumb" was demonstrated in Baltimore, MD. It was
the first passenger-carrying train to be built in America. 

1833 Slavery was banned by the British Parliament throughout
the British Empire. 

1907 "American Messenger Company" was started by two teenagers,
Jim Casey and Claude Ryan. The company's name was later
changedto "United Parcel Service." 

1916 Italy's declaration of war against Germany because Germany
was losing against the Allies, took effect duringWorld War I. 

1917 Ten suffragists were arrested as they picketed the White
House. 

1922 The first radio commercial aired on WEAF in New York City.
The Queensboro Realty Company bought 10 minutes of time
for$100. 

1922 The Walker Cup was held for the first time at Southampton,
NY. It is the oldest international team golf match in America. 

1939 The first successful flight of a jet-propelled airplane
took place. The plane was a German Heinkel He 178. 

1963 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., gave his "I Have a Dream"
speech at a civil rights rally in Washington, DC. More than
200,000 people attended. 

1972 Mark Spitz captured the first of his seven gold medals at
the Summer Olympics in Munich, Germany. He set a world record
when he completed the 200-meter butterfly in 2 minutes and
7/10ths of a second. 

1990 Iraq declared Kuwait to be its 19th province and renamed
Kuwait City al-Kadhima. 

1995 The biggest bank in the U.S. was created when Chase
Manhattan and Chemical Bank announced their $10 billion deal. 

1996 A divorce decree was issued for Britain's Charles and
Princess Diana. This was the official end to their 15-year
marriage. 

1998 The Pakistani prime minister created new Islamic order and
legal system based on the Koran. 

2004 George Brunstad, at age 70, became the oldest person to
swim the English Channel. The swim from Dover, England, to
Sangatte, France, took 15 hours and 59 minutes. 

2008 In China, the Shanghai World Financial Center officially
opened. The observation decks opened on August 30. 

2014 Google announced its Project Wing. The project was aimed
at delivering products across a city using unmanned flying
vehicles. 

2017  smiled.


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Yahoo victims not getting subscriptions 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, August 27

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Mom Left 5 Kids Alone To Help Fugitive Boyfriend
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 27 in
1789 The Declaration Of The Rights Of Man Was Adopted By 
The French National Assembly. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ "There is nothing so powerful as truth, and often nothing so strange." --- Daniel Webster "Many people think that by hoarding money they are gaining safety for themselves. If money is your ONLY hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a person can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. Without these qualities, money is practically useless." --- Henry Ford ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Men and women compared: NICKNAMES -If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. -But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a coffee, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Useless. EATING OUT -When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually want change back. -When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. And they split the change to the penny MONEY -A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. -A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. BATHROOMS -A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. -The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. (Not identifiable to most men) ARGUMENTS -A woman has the last word in any argument. -Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS -Women love cats. -Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE -A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. -A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS -A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. -A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE -A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. -A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP -A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. -A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. NATURAL -Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. -Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING -Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. -A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. MISTAKES -Any married man should forget his mistakes. -There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell: "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ______________________________________________________ Attaching hurricane shutters to Sandie's house when hurricane Wilma approached in 2005. Thanks to her trusty old generator, I was able to write and send the Humor Letter even though power was out for 4 days. Some of you will remember the live reports from under the hurricane. I can definitely understand and feel for the folks in Texas! _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tiffany Jackson, 34, Pitcairn, Pennsylvania Mom Left 5 Kids Alone To Help Fugitive Boyfriend Police say a Pittsburgh-area woman is facing charges for leaving her five children alone so she could drive her fugitive boyfriend across the state to avoid arrest. Thirty-four-year-old Tiffany Jackson, of Pitcairn, is charged with child endangerment and with hindering the apprehension of her boyfriend, 24-year-old Raheem Harvey, among other charges. Pitcairn police say Jackson drove Harvey to Philadelphia on Wednesday because police have warrants for his arrest, while leaving her children behind. Police say they range in age from 16 years old to 9 months old. Jackson told her 16-year-old daughter to watch the other children and didn't say when she would return home. The daughter then called her aunt, who contacted Pitcairn Police. “They haven't heard from their mother in over a day,” Pitcairn Police Chief Scott Farally said. “The 16-year-old reached out to her aunt, who was a complainant of this pertaining to them being alone and being concerned and scared.” Police say they've tried but failed to find Harvey at Jackson's house several times and that they have body camera video of her being told he's wanted by police on assault and other charges. Jackson and Harvey were arrested at a Greensburg hotel early Friday afternoon. According to the hotel, Jackson and Harvey checked in last Monday. They reportedly got into a fight and hotel employees threatened to call police. After seeing a news report about a woman accused of abandoning her children, hotel employees called state police Friday morning. State police were forced to taser Harvey after a short foot chase. “We were able to go and pick up Mrs. Jackson at the PSP in Greensburg,” Farally said. “However, Mr. Harvey is still in the custody of Pennsylvania State Police for additional charges.” Jackson was arraigned on numerous counts of endangering the welfare of children, recklessly endangering another person and hindering apprehension. Harvey remains locked up in the Westmoreland County Jail, charged with hindering apprehension and resisting arrest. As for the children, police say there were no serious signs of neglect, but they say baby-sitting four kids who don't know the whereabouts of their mother is too much to ask of a 16-year-old girl. “Is a 16-year-old able to baby-sit? Correct. However, when the 16-year-old reaches out for help, knowing that she's too stressed to do this and she doesn't know what to do, that's when the police got involved,” Farally said. Jackson was previously convicted in 2011 of endangering the welfare of children, when she abandoned them the same way, and she spent two years under house arrest. She is now jailed on $50,000 bond with a preliminary hearing scheduled for September. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Roon Re: Yahoo victim Dear Webby, I used to receive your newsletter daily for many years, but it stopped a while ago. Nothing on my end has changed as I am still using at&t for my ISP and have same user name (UID). I tried to go on and add UID, but your site said that already existed. Then I tried to delete the UID with no success, so I still cannot get your daily humor which I enjoy. Can you check on your end and see if there is a problem in UID rrhodes1@sbcglobal.net? Please let me know if you check and find nothing, and I will know if the trouble was on your end if I start receiving it again. I really miss the jokes. Thanks, Ron Dear Ron You are a silly Yahoo! SBCglobal.net and ATT.net are just fake fronts for people, who don't want to be called a "silly yahoo". Underneath the phony front, it`s still Yahoo. Yes, you are still subscribed to the Humor Letter. Your newsletters still go out to you every night. Yahoo censors them. Once they have entered the Yahoo server, there is nothing more that I can do. You have exactly three options: 1) You can try to make a filter to guard your newsletters from their censorship, or 2) screech a temper tantrum at Yahoo support and make them stop censoring your newsletters, or 3) get yourself a respectable address on the side, for example a Gmail address, like the one I am using to get around Yahoos censorship to reply to you, and tell me what that address is. Then I will switch your subscription over to that address. Btw., Ho'mail is NOT an option.Microsoft has announced 20 years ago that they are no longer supporting Hoe'mail. It can't be fixed, and the guys who wrote it, are hiding in the French Foreign Legion. Hoe'mail will censor your newsletter just like Yahoo. The sniveling ninnies don't seem to allow colored text and pictures. Get a RESPECTABLE address! I KNOW Gmail works. Proabbly a Million Yahoos use it. Since you get onto the net with Yahoo, your choices are a bit limited, but I am sure you can find out good alternatives on the forums if you are scared of Gmail. Have FUN! DearWebby

Men know that women will wear low-cut dresses and expect the man not to look at their cleavage, but that they will feel snubbed if he doesn't try to look.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Stubborn Lug Nuts Carry a cross shaft lug wrench in your car to use when you get a flat. It gives you greater leverage than the single shaft wrenches that come with most new cars. You can also carry a metal pipe to fit over one of the shafts for even better leverage. Use short, sharp impacts rather than applying constant pressure to loosen a stubborn nut. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com A small can of WD40 should also be with your spare tire. Spray a bit onto the lug nuts, wait a few minutes, and THEN use the wrench. A rock or an old crescent wrench to beat on the cross wrench is also helpful. Remember, to UNDO lug nuts, you have to turn them counterclockwise. If all else fails, call AAA. You can get a membership over the phone. They will have a friendly guy show up quite shortly and he will have all kinds of tools and even WD40. Keep their local number in your glove box or their silvery sticker on the inside of the trunk. If you got it on the outside, one of their patrols will stop and see if you need help if they see you on the side of the road. I highly recommend a membership in AAA! Btw., you get one free tow per year with your membership. That can easily save you $500. You can sign up online. They will mail you the silver sticker and paperwork. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Cat nurses ducklings
____________________________________________________ A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "No," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you keep following your mothers orders!" ___________________________________________________
Hobo nickel with teeth! 2017.
___________________________________________________ A three-year-old in our congregation watches football games with his father and knows some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by yelling, "Touchdown!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Bill Farmer for this one: An oldie for Valentine's day: Two daughters of a recently widowed mother, decided the new young, single Pastor would be a good new Daddy. To get the romance started for their shy Mom, they decided to send a Valentine to the Pastor from their Mother They created their own beutiful heart shaped valentine, and decided the verse had to have something biblical -- searching the scripture they came up with the perfect rhyme. The pastor opened his valentine to read: "If you will be my Valentine, I will be your Concubine." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 27, in 
1660 The books of John Milton were burned in London due to his
attacks on King Charles II. 

1789 The Declaration of the Rights of Man was adopted by the
French National Assembly. 

1828 Uruguay was formally proclaimed to be independent during
preliminary talks between Brazil and Argentina. 

1858 The first cabled news dispatch was sent and was published
by "The New York Sun" newspaper. The story was about the peace
demands of England and France being met by China. 

1859 The first oil well was successfully drilled in the U.S. by
Colonel Edwin L. Drake near Titusville, PA. 

1889 Charles G. Conn received a patent for the metal clarinet. 

1889 Boxer Jack "Nonpareil" Dempsey was defeated for the first
time of his career by George LaBlanche. 

1892 The original Metropolitan Opera House in New York was
seriously damaged by fire. 

1894 The Wilson-Gorman Tariff Act was passed by the U.S.
Congress. The provision within for a graduated income tax was
later struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court. 

1921 The owner of Acme Packing Company bought a pro football
team for Green Bay, WI. J.E. Clair paid tribute to those who
worked in his plant by naming the team the Green Bay Packers.
(NFL) 

1938 Robert Frost, in a fit of jealousy, set fire to some
papers to disrupt a poetry recital by another poet, Archibald
MacLeish. 

1939 Nazi Germany demanded the Polish corridor and Danzig. They
had been German until after WWI.

1945 American troops landed in Japan after the surrender of the
Japanese government at the end of World War II. 

1962 Mariner 2 was launched by the United States. In December
of the same year the spacecraft flew past Venus. It was the
first space probe to reach the vicinity of another planet. 

1972 North Vietnam's major port at Haiphong saw the first
bombings from U.S. warplanes. 

1981 Work began on recovering a safe from the Andrea Doria. The
Andrea Doria was a luxury liner that had sunk in 1956 in the
waters off of Massachusetts. 

1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan announced that the first
citizen to go into space would be a teacher. The teacher that
was eventually chosen was Christa McAuliffe. She died in the
Challenger disaster on January 28, 1986. 

1985 The Space Shuttle Discovery left for a seven-day mission
in which three satellites were launched and another was
repaired and redeployed. 

1989 The first U.S. commercial satellite rocket was launched. A
British communications satellite was onboard. 

1990 The U.S. State Department ordered the expulsion of 36
Iraqi diplomats. 

1991 The Soviet republic of Moldavia declared its independence.

1996 California Governor Pete Wilson signed an order that would
halt state benefits to illegal immigrants. 

1998 "Titanic" became the first movie in North America to earn
more than $600 million. 

1999 The final crew of the Russian space station Mir departed
the station to return to Earth. Russia was forced to abandon
Mir for financial reasons. 

2001 The U.S. military announced that an Air Force RQ-1B
"Predator" aircraft was lost over Iraq. It was reported that
the unmanned aircraft "may have crashed or been shot down." 

2001 Work began on the future site of a World War II memorial
on the U.S. capital's historic national Mall. The site is
between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. 

2017  smiled.


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Back-up bat with separate log 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, August 26

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Drunk driver smashed into 17 cars while trying to park
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 25 in
55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius
Caesar. That is why there are so many latin words in the
English language.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 1970) If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet, and you can find a lot of people there who don't like you. --- Tina Fey Yeah, I noticed that too :D ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Dianne for this story: (Dianne has two cats) Cookie Recipe Look in cookbook for cookie recipe. Get cup of coffee. Get cat off of cookbook. Find that special recipe. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug. Go to fridge and get eggs. Get dry ingredients from cupboard. Break eggs in small bowl. Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl Answer the phone. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands. Throw flour out and get more. Preheat oven for cookies. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom things have been knocked over on top of it. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs. Clean up bathroom. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car with Florida license plates at the store parking lot. Eat most of the cookies on the way home. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ This actually happened in the mid-1980s). In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs!!. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well." The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied again, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know ! him." The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you both in jail for contempt, and throw away the key!" ______________________________________________________ No-riding-on-my-back-I'm-still-digesting-the-last-tourist! I came across this picture when I was checking an old camera chip. That was from a trip to the Everglades with Sandie in 2001 or 2002. I was taking pictures of the alligators eyes, when I realized I was way too close and stepped back a few feet to get more of him onto the picture. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Tony Futch, 25, Osceola County, Floriduh Drunk driver smashed into 17 cars while trying to park A drunken driver in Florida turned a parking lot into his own personal demolition derby, smashing into 17 cars while trying to park his Chevy Blazer, according to reports. Tony Futch, 25, turned into a one-man wrecking crew Friday in Osceola County when he returned home to the Gate Condominium complex allegedly inebriated, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Futch is accused of first ramming through the gate of the apartment complex around 4 a.m., then driving around in circles and smashing into his neighbors’ parked cars before parking his 2003 Blazer, according to an arrest report. The 17 cars were damaged in eight separate crashes. Becky Olsen, who lives in the complex, estimated her Hyundai Elantra sustained about $2,000 in damage, which she noticed as she was about to go to work. “I just came down, saw that the car next to mine was crooked and thought ‘what kind of jerk parked like that?’” Olsen told the Sentinel. Cops had to pepper spray Futch, who became “combative” and reeked of alcohol, according to an arrest report. The allegedly boozed-up bozo told them, “I’ll tell you everything I did, I will tell you anything you want” as he was being arrested. Futch — who had his license suspended in 2013 for DUI — refused to provide a breath sample. He was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and also faces a charge of resisting arrest. He’s being held in Osceola County Jail on $9,250 bond. No license, no insurance. Typical. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rosie Re: Back Up bat with log Dear Webby, Once upon a time, long, long ago, when you were a harried mobile tech, occasionally sprinting through our offices with a computer and your tool case under your arms, or a quarter-ton IBM 3810 laser printer on your shoulder, fixing not just hardware, but anything from bimbo-malfunctions to Word Perfect macros, you wrote me a back-up bat. I transfered it to every new machine I got and it worked fine from DOS 3 to Windows 7. Unfortunately, I forgot to take it with me when I quit in a huff and formatted my work computer. Can you pretty please write me a new one just like that one, with a log of backaup dates? Thanks Rosie Dear Rosie We sure had fun in those days! OK, here is your old bat, as far as I remember it: @echo off color 9E xcopy /S /D /Q c:\docs e:\docs time /T >> c:\t.txt date /T >> c:\t.txt echo Rosie's back-up bat has done it again! >> c:\t.txt type c:\t.txt pause Here is an explanation what each line does: color 9E changes the screen color from grey text on black to bright yellow text on blue @echo off stops it from echoing the commands to the screen xcopy.... copies only those files and folders that are newer at the source than at the destination time /T >> c:\t.txt puts the time into the t.txt log date /T writes the date in there echo Rosie's ... writes a line of text as a break between groups of date and time, so that it's clear to which date the time belongs. type c:\txt writes the log to the screen pause pauses everything to let you see the log and asks for a key press Anybody new to bats: Write the bat with a plain text editor and save it as b.bat, not b.bat.txt, but as b.bat Then make a shortcut to it and drag the shortcut icon to the desktop. Change the icon to a fun and recognizable one. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ross for this one: I hate cuties like this one. I remember them during a dull sermon and start to chuckle. A Silent One An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what do you think I should do?" He replies “Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Cleaning Burned Caramel from a Pan While making caramel corn, I burned the bottom of my saucepan while making the syrup. I used hot water and Dawn to remove it. Put water and soap in the pan and boil on the stove for 10 minutes. The burned stuff came right off. By Pam from Milwaukee, WI Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
A Brand New World
____________________________________________________ There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.... The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again? He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh.. on his head." AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? ___________________________________________________
Bird-Like Dinosaurs May Have Snuggled Together as They Slept 2017.
___________________________________________________ Classic vasectomy: After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ While we are in memory lane... It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?" Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'd screw all night if we let her!" A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door. About 20 minutes later, a very dishevelled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the TWIST !" ____________________________________________________

Today, August 26, in 
55 B.C. Britain was invaded by Roman forces under Julius
Caesar. 

1498 Michelangelo was commissioned to make the "Pieta." 

1842 The first fiscal year was established by the U.S. Congress
to start on July 1st. 

1847 Liberia was proclaimed as an independent republic. 

1873 The school board of St. Louis, MO, authorized the first
U.S. public kindergarten. 

1896 In the Philippines an insurrection began against the
Spanish government. 

1920 The 19th amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into
effect. The amendment prohibited discrimination on the basis of
sex in the voting booth. 

1934 Adolf Hitler demanded that France return the Saar region
back to Germany. France had taken it after WWI.

1937 All Chinese shipping was blockaded by Japan. 

1939 The first televised major league baseball games were
shown. The event was a double-header between the Cincinnati
Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers. 

1945 The Japanese were given surrender instructions on the U.S.
battleship Missouri at the end of World War II. 

1957 It was announced that an intercontinental ballistic
missile was successfully tested by the Soviet Union. 

1957 The first Edsel made by the Ford Motor Company rolled of
the assembly line. 

1961 The International Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto opened. 

1973 A U.S. Presidential Proclamation was declared that made
August 26th Women's Equality Day. 

1978 Sigmund Jahn blasted off aboard the Russian Soyuz 31 and
became the first German in space. 

1981 The U.S. claimed that North Korea fired an antiaircraft
missile at a U.S. Surveillance plane while it was over South
Korea. 

1987 The Fuller Brush Company announced plans to open two
retail stores in Dallas, TX. The company that had sold its
products door to door for 81 years. 

1990 The 55 Americans at the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait left
Baghdad by car and headed for the Turkish border. 

1992 A "no-fly zone" was imposed on the southern 1/3 of Iraq.
The move by the U.S., France and Britain was aimed at
protecting Iraqi Shiite Muslims. 

1998 The U.S. government announced that they were investigating
Microsoft in an attempt to discover if they "bullied" Intel
into delaying new technology. 

2017  smiled.


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Superantispyware malfunction 




Good Morning, ,

Today is Friday, August 25
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Texas robber found asleep at the scene.
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 25 in
1814 The U.S. Library of Congress was destroyed by 
British forces. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious. --- William Feather (1908 - 1976) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those quick-witted Kentucky women! _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ While we're in Kentucky.... A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" ______________________________________________________ Markhor Goat _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Kanyoni Sedekiya, 20, Abilene, Texas Texas robber found asleep at the scene. For one Texas man, the saying, "You snooze, you lose" rings true. Robbery suspect Kanyoni Sedekiya was arrested after he was found dozing at the scene, according to police in Abilene, Texas. A police statement posted on Facebook said that early Friday morning "just before 4 a.m. police were called to a robbery in progress." Sedekiya had argued with his roommate before pulling a gun and demanding money, and "bound the man with tape and fell asleep inside the apartment," the statement read. An affidavit says that amid a verbal dispute, Sedekiya pointed a gun at his roommate and threatened to kill him before binding him with duct tape, according to the Abilene Reporter-News. Sedekiya was also accused in the report of stealing $80 from his roommate and breaking the roommate's phone. "The victim escaped the apartment while the suspect was asleep and called police from a neighbor's apartment," the police statement read. "Officers secured the area and the SWAT Team personnel arrived and were eventually able to negotiate" Sedekiya surrendering, it added. Taylor County jail records showed Sedekiya was being held Sunday on an aggravated robbery charge, with his bond set at $60,000. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Richi Re: Superantispyware Dear Webby, I have a ? About superantispyware, the free version,,it seems like its not doing its job,everytime I scan it, it usually picks up more than 600 pieces of spyware. Everytime I use it,thats about everyday,so is it not doing its job or should I get rid of it? It doen't seem like its helping at all,where does all the spyware come from and go to?I do have malewarebytes also, should I have them both together? Tyvm for all your help its gr8ly appreciated... Richi Hi Richi Your machine is infected with Incredimail, and in addition to that, you got AVG. You are a real crap magnet! Superantispyware CAN be useful as a "stinger" to go after one specific spyware item, but it is not meant to be used daily. If it picks up "more than 600 pieces of spyware" daily, then it is obviously trashed. UNinstall it completely with Revo Uninstaller or something like that. Download a fresh copy IF and when you need it for a specific spyware item, and dump it after that item has been found and gotten rid of. Then scan with Malwarebytes. That gets rid of bad shit. You can also use the free Spyware-Search&Destroy, and of course CrapCleaner. They get rid of stuff, that is not really bad, but just a nuisance. Both are in my tool box at http://webby.com, and have been for decades. Have FUN! DearWebby

A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Wine Stains on Washable Fabrics If you spill wine on your clothing or a tablecloth, blot it immediately with a clean piece of cloth and sponge the area with cool water or club soda. If the stain is still there put salt on the stain and then pour hot (near boiling) water through the stain. Once the stain is weakened, wash the clothing normally with detergent. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
A Brand New World
____________________________________________________ The young man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." ___________________________________________________
Photos taken by AI (Artificial Intelligence) 2017.
___________________________________________________ NEWS FLASH! - Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Kentucky students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and after the surgery advised him that all was well. However, in the recovery room the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctor hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence... "Get well quick...from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 25, in 
1718 Hundreds of colonists from France arrived in Louisiana.
Some settled in present-day New Orleans. 

1814 The U.S. Library of Congress was destroyed by British
forces. 

1825 Uruguay declared independence from Brazil. 

1840 Joseph Gibbons received a patent for the seeding machine. 

1875 Captain Matthew Webb swam from Dover, England, to Calais,
France making him the first person to swim the English Channel.
The feat took about 22 hours. 

1916 The National Park Service was established as part of the
U.S. Department of the Interior. 

1920 Ethelda Bleibtrey won the 100-meter freestyle swimming
competition in Antwerp, Belgium. She was the first woman to win
an Olympic competition for the U.S. 

1920 The first airplane to fly from New York to Alaska arrived
in Nome. 

1921 The U.S. signed a peace treaty with Germany. 

1941 Soviet and British troops invaded Iran. This was in
reaction to the Shah's refusal to reduce the number of German
residents. 

1941 Allied forces invaded Iran. Within four days the Soviet
Union and England controlled Iran. 

1941 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed the bill
appropriating funds for construction of the Pentagon. 

1944 Paris, France, was liberated by Allied forces ending four
years of German occupation. 

1944 Romania declared war on Germany. 

1949 NBC Radio debuted "Father Knows Best." The show went to TV
in 1954. 

1950 U.S. President Truman ordered the seizure of U.S.
railroads to avert a strike. 

1972 In Great Britain, computerized axial tomography (CAT scan)
was introduced. 

1978 The Turin shroud believed to be the burial cloth of Jesus
Christ went on display for the first time in 45 years. 

1981 The U.S. Voyager 2 sent back pictures and data about
Saturn. The craft came within 63,000 miles of the planet. 

1983 The U.S. and the Soviet Union signed a $10 billion grain
pact, sending free seed grain tothe Soviet Union to make
profitable grain sales a thing of the past.

1987 Saudi Arabia denounced the "group of terrorists" that ran
the Iranian government. 

1988 Iran and Iraq began talks in Geneva after ending their
eight years of war. 

1990 Military action was authorized by the United Nations to
enforce the trade embargo that had been placed on Iraq after
their invasion of Kuwait. 

1991 Belorussia declared independence from the Soviet Union. 

1992 It was reported by researchers that cigarette smoking
significantly increased the risk of developing cataracts. 

1995 Harry Wu, human rights activist, returned to the United
States. He said the spying case against him in China was "all
lies." 

1997 The tobacco industry agreed to an $11.3 billion settlement
with the state of Florida. 

2017  smiled.


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Printing multiple copies with Clickbook 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, August 24

Thank you, Norm!!!

From here in Canada what is going on in the US looks
ridiculously insane. Robert E Lee was never a slave owner, and
the feds wanted him as a general, but he decided to defend the
Virginia hillbillies against the feds and their unilateral
decisions.

There was nothing racial about it, just the Southern
Hillbillies standing up against the feds.

If these L-.... swallowed a bunch of mosquitos to get their
combined IQ to a positive number, then they would make Robert E
Lee their hero and patron saint. After all, they want to stand
up against the feds. 

Aside from Soros and Hillary, WHO is their hero?
Who else pays them?

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Parents arrested, children in state custody 
after raid of Florida grow house
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 24 in
1814 Washington, DC, was invaded by Canadians who set fire to
the White House and Capitol. The White House got its name when
it was whitewashed after the fire. Canadians still brag about
that. The US retaliated by burning down York. York was rebuilt
as Toronto.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear. --- Ferdinand Foch (1851 - 1929) Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. --- Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ >From Cindy I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ "I’ve never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. You will bring me down safely, won’t you?" "All I can say ma’am, said the pilot, is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!" ______________________________________________________ Mt Rainier _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Rolando Naranjo, 41, Betsy Espinoza,33, Hialeah, Floriduh Parents arrested, children in state custody after raid of Florida grow house A suspected marijuana grow house in Hialeah has two parents in custody and children found inside in the hands of the Department of Children and Families. The Miami Herald reports a Palm Springs Middle School teacher noticed the smell of marijuana coming from the 11-year-old boy’s backpack. He notified a Miami-Dade Schools police officer. A police report says the boy told officers there are marijuana plants in his house and his dad uses his backpack to transport the drug. He also said people go to his house to buy marijuana. The raid happened Monday at an apartment complex on West 25th Court and West 60th Street. 41-year-old Rolando Naranjo and 32- year-old Betsy Espinoza were arrested and are facing multiple counts, including marijuana possession, possession of manufacturing equipment and child neglect. Police say they had received a call after a teacher for the couple's 11-year-old child said his clothes smelled like marijuana. Once they entered the home, they found the parents, the 11-year-old and a four-year-old child were living in one room while the other bedroom in the apartment was being used to grow the drug. A police report said there was very little food in the house as well as mold growing and dirty clothes throughout the home - along with no way to prevent the kids from entering the room with the drugs. Officials confiscated 10 marijuana plants, weighing a total of 31 pounds, along with high wattage lamps, scales, pipes and other items used for distribution and sale. The apartment is located less than 1000 feet from Ben Shepherd Elementary School. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rhonda Re: Printing multiple copies with ClickBook Dear Webby, You wrote about printing brochures with ClickBook a while back. Do you have to print one brochure and then drop the printed paper down into feed bin after each brochure, or can you print a whole bunch at a time? Thanks Rhonda Dear Rhonda You can print one side of a whole bunch of brochures, and then drop the whole stack of them down into the feed tray. If you set it for more copies than you have paper in the tray, it will give you a paper error and continue peacefully after you refill the tray. I wish the folding and stapling was that easy! Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Dave for this story: My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor." The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link, or picket?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Video Games Don't buy games as soon as they come out. A year later you can often find games for half their original price. Even if you only wait a few weeks you can find the hot games in the used market at local stores or on eBay. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________
Cards with Willie Nelson
____________________________________________________ Mike's parents have four children. Their names are Penny, Dime and Quarter. What is the fourth child's name? (Answer at the end) ___________________________________________________
A Rift Runs Through It: Iceland's Divergence of the Plates 2017.
___________________________________________________ After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and handed Joe a stool and a bucket and told him to milk a cow. An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other. "Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an opera lover's banquet, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 24, in 
0079 Mount Vesuvius erupted killing approximately 20,000
people. The cities of Pompeii, Stabiae and Herculaneum were
buried in volcanic ash. 

0410 The Visigoths overran Rome. This event symbolized the fall
of the Western Roman Empire. 

1456 The printing of the Gutenberg Bible was completed. 

1572 The Catholics began their slaughter of the French
Protestants in Paris. The killings claimed about 70,000 people.

1814 Washington, DC, was invaded by Canadians who set fire to
the White House and Capitol. The White House got its name when
it was whitewashed after the fire. Canadians still brag about
that. The US retaliated by burning down York. York was rebuilt
as Toronto.

1869 A patent for the waffle iron was received by Cornelius
Swarthout. 

1891 Thomas Edison applied patents for the kinetoscope and
kinetograph (U.S. Pats. 493,426 and 589,168). 

1912 A four-pound limit was set for parcels sent through the
U.S. Post Office mail system. Sending kids by mail remained
illegal.

1932 Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the
U.S. non-stop. The trip from Los Angeles, CA to Newark, NJ,
took about 19 hours. 

1949 The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) went into
effect. The agreement was that an attack against on one of the
parties would be considered "an attack against them all." 

1954 The Communist Party was virtually outlawed in the U.S.
when the Communist Control Act went into effect. 

1959 Three days after Hawaiian statehood, Hiram L. Fong was
sworn in as the first Chinese-American U.S. senator while
Daniel K. Inouye was sworn in as the first Japanese-American
U.S. representative. 

1963 John Pennel pole-vaulted 17 feet and 3/4 inches becoming
the first to break the 17-foot barrier. 

1968 France became the 5th thermonuclear power when they
exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 

1985 27 anti-apartheid leaders were arrested in South Africa as
racial violence rocked the country. 

1986 Frontier Airlines shut down. Thousands of people were left
stranded. 

1989 "Total war" was declared by Columbian drug lords on their
government. 

1989 The U.S. space probe, Voyager 2, sent back photographs of
Neptune. 

1990 Iraqi troops surrounded foreign missions in Kuwait. 

1991 Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the head
of the Communist Party. 

1992 China and South Korea established diplomatic relations. 

1995 Microsoft's "Windows 95" went on sale. 

1998 U.S. officials cited a soil sample as part of the evidence
that a Sudan plant was producing precursors to the VX nerve
gas. And, therefore made it a target for U.S. missiles on
August 20, 1998. 

1998 A donation of 24 beads was made, from three parties, to
the Indian Museum of North America at the Crazy Horse Memorial.
The beads are said to be those that were used in 1626 to buy
Manhattan from the Indians. 

2001 In McAllen, TX, Bridgestone/Firestone agreed to settle out
of court and pay a reported $7.5 million to a family in a
rollover accident in their Ford Explorer. 

2001 The remains of nine American servicemen killed in the
Korean War were returned to the U.S. The bodies were found
about 60 miles north of Pyongyang. It was estimated that it
would be a year before the identies of the soldiers would be
known. 

2001 U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly was randomly
picked to take over the Microsoft monopoly case. The judge was
to decide how Microsoft should be punished for illegally trying
to squelch its competitors. 

2001 NASA announced that operation of the Upper Atmosphere
Research Satellite would end by September 30th due to budget
restrictions. Though the satellite is best known for monitoring
a hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica, it was designed to
provide information about the upper atmosphere by measuring its
winds, temperatures, chemistry and energy received from the
sun. 

2006 The planet Pluto was reclassified as a "dwarf planet" by
the International Astronomical Union (IAU). Pluto's status was
changed due to the IAU's new rules for an object qualifying as
a planet. Pluto met two of the three rules because it orbits
the sun and is large enough to assume a nearly round shape.
However, since Pluto has an oblong orbit and overlaps the orbit
of Neptune it disqualified Pluto as a planet. 

2017  smiled.
Mike's name is Mike


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Multiple Explorer windows 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, August 23

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Illinois Professor's Twisted Fantasies Led to Stabbing
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 23 in
1839 Hong Kong was taken by the British in war with China.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. --- Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890 - 1969) Happiness doesn't come from doing what we like to do But from liking what we have to do. --- Wilferd A. Peterson ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ This is a Classic, that has been around: A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs.." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home. When he was asked by a friend whether or not he'd had a good time, he said, "If the soup had been as warm as the wine, the wine as old as the chicken, the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect." ______________________________________________________ Emperor Tamarin _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Ladarius Blue, 26, Cedar Rapids, Iowa Eclipse aids in arrest of Iowas most wanted sex offender Cedar Rapids Police said the solar eclipse Monday helped them capture a man on the most wanted sex offenders list. Police said the Iowa Division of Criminal Investigation wanted 26-year-old Ladarius Blue of Waterloo for failing to register as a sex offender. DCI agents haven't known where Blue was since early June. The U.S. Marshals and DCI investigators had narrowed the search for Blue to Cedar Rapids. Police, DCI agents, Linn County Sheriff's Deputies, and U.S. Marshals set up surveillance on Monday in the 1300 block of G Avenue and saw Blue leave a residence in what appeared to be an attempt to observe the solar eclipse. When officers approached him, Blue ran off, leading officers on a foot chase through the northeast side of Cedar Rapids. A citizen told law enforcement they had watched a man climb into their yard waste container in the 800 block of Oakland Road NE. That's where officers arrested Blue before taking him to the Linn County Jail. Blue was convicted in 2010 in Fayette County for a lascivious act with a female child under age 13. In 2011, Blue pleaded guilty in Fayette County for failure to register as a sex offender. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Maura Re: Multiple eplorer windows Dear Webby, ... Now I can only open one browser window at a time. I used to be able to have several open at once. What shall I do? Please help! thank you, Maura Dear Maura That's probably the setting in Explorer, View, Folder Options. If you have a checkmark there telling it to re-use the open window, then it will do just that, instead of opening a new, additional window. Have FUN! DearWebby

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Crack a Nut Without a Nut Cracker No nut cracker on hand? Here are some other ways to crack a nut. 1. Use a vice grip or pliers. 2. Place the nut in a towel and hit it with a blunt option like a hammer or mallet. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com A safer way to crack nuts is to put them into a leather or canvas baggie, and hold that baggie near the hinge of an opened door, where the door and frame make an open "V". Slowly and gently closing the door part way cracks the shells of the nuts in the baggie. Slowly and gently, just in case your fingers are at the wrong end of the baggie. The door hinge vise can be used for all kinds of powerful work. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Science tricks
____________________________________________________ Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because,... A lot of men are stupid, but very few are blind. ___________________________________________________
Badass trees that refuse to die. 2017.
___________________________________________________ "How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife. "Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I agree,' and then things really began to happen fast."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Gender specific poems: FEMALE POEM I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen all day long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I want him to be gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I want this man to love me to no end, And forever be my very best friend. MALE POEM I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a gas station, a liquor store and a fishing boat. I know this doesn't rhyme, but I don't care. ____________________________________________________

Today, August 23, in 
1839 Hong Kong was taken by the British in a war with China. 

1892 The printed streetcar transfer was patented by John H.
Stedman. 

1902 Fannie Merrit Farmer opened her cooking school, Miss
Farmer’s School of Cookery, in Boston, MA. 

1904 Hard D. Weed patented the grip-tread tire chain for cars. 

1914 Tsingtao, China, was bombarded as Japan declared war on
Germany in World War I. 

1939 Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union signed a non-aggression
treaty. 

1944 During World War II, Romanian prime minister Ion
Antonescue was dismissed. Soon after the country would abandon
the Axis and flip to the winning Allies. 

1944 Marseilles was captured by Allied troops during World War
II. 

1952 The security pact of the Arab League went into effect. 

1959 In the Peanuts comic strip, Sally debuted as an infant. 

1962 The first live TV program was relayed between the U.S. and
Europe through the U.S. Telstar satellite. 

1979 Soviet dancer Alexander Godunov defected while the Bolshoi
Ballet was on tour in New York City. 

1982 The parliament of Lebanon elected Bashir Bemayel
president. He was assassinated three weeks later. 

1984 South Fork Ranch, the home of the fictitious Ewing clan of
the CBS-TV show, "Dallas," was sold. The ranch was to be
transformed from a tourist site into a hotel. 

1987 Robert Jarvik and Marilyn Mach vos Savant were married.
The event was called the "Union of Great Minds" since Savant
had an IQ of 228 and Jarvik was the inventor of the artificial
heart. 

1990 President Saddam Hussein appeared on Iraqi state
television with a group of Western detainees that he referred
to as "guests." He told the group that they were being held "to
prevent the scourge of war." 

1993 It was confirmed by Los Angeles police that Michael
Jackson was the subject of a criminal investigation. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton imposed limits on peddling
cigarettes to children. 

1998 Protestors in Sudan carried a sign that bore the
resemblance of Monica Lewinsky and the words "No War for
Monika." The anti-U.S. demonstration was in Khartoum, Sudan. 

1998 Boris Yeltsin dismissed the Russian government again. 

1999 Rescuers in Turkey found a young boy that had been buried
in rubble from an earthquake for about a week. 

1999 Robert Bogucki was rescued after getting lost in the Great
Sandy Desert of Australia on July 11. During the 43 day ordeal
Bogucki lost 44 pounds. 

2000 Richard Hatch was revealed as the winning castaway on CBS'
"Survivor." Hatch won $1,000,000 for his stay on the island of
Pulau Tida in the South China Sea. 

2017  smiled.


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How to find good newsletters 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, August 22

The eclipse was quite neat through my old gas welding
goggles. This was the 4th eclipse I watched with them. As
always I was surprised at how sharp the sun looks through
them. Not uncomfortably bright, but very sharp.

The neatest trick, though, was what Noella did. She used a
mirror to shine the eclipse onto her neighbors siding.
Keep that in mind for the next one!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Illinois Professor's Twisted Fantasies Led to Stabbing
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 22 in
1775 The American colonies were proclaimed to be in a state
of open rebellion by England's King George III. He noticed!
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ "Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today." --- Benjamin Franklin "Procrastinate Now! --- Hilary ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time. A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together. The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that still amaze me." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Wyndham Lathem Andrew Warren Chicago, Illinois Illinois Professor's Twisted Fantasies Led to Stabbing Two men from the academic world joined forces to live out their twisted murder fantasy, prosecutors said at a hearing for Wyndham Lathem and Andrew Warren in Chicago Sunday. Prosecutors said Lathem, a microbiology professor at Northwestern University, and Warren, a treasurer at Oxford University, communicated for months in an online chat room about their "sexual fantasies of killing others and then themselves," the Chicago Tribune reports. Prosecutors said the men decided to kill other people before killing each other simultaneously. Lathem allegedly decided that their first victim would be Trenton Cornell-Duranleau, his 26-year- old boyfriend. Prosecutors said that on July 27, days after Lathem paid for Warren to travel to the US to carry out their fantasies, they attacked Cornell-Duranleau while he was asleep in Lathem's apartment, the AP reports. The medical examiner testified that the attack left him with 70 stab wounds, some of which almost decapitated him. The two men then went on the run instead of carrying out their plan to kill each other, prosecutors say. After eight days, they surrendered to authorities in California. Lathem's lawyer told the court that his client, a plague expert who has since been fired by Northwestern, is a "distinguished microbiologist," but the judge denied bail for both men. "The heinous facts speak for themselves," he said. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Rosa Re: Find newsletters Dear Webby, Is there a site somewhere where I can find and select specific newsletters and see a sample or try them out? Thanks Rosa Dear Rosa if you vote for the Humor Letter, then you are already there. if you don't vote, browse to http://www.ezinefinder.com/top_rated.html and you will see over 500 top rated newsletters. Each has a short description, and it tells you how often it is issued, for example daily, weekly, monthly. You also see the votes from the subscribers. The votes show you how lively and responsive the subscribers are. Lots of votes indicate a responsive reader family that keeps the author on the straight and narrow. Few votes indicate an audience that does not care or has given up reading. Once you have found what you were looking for, you can subscribe right from there Have FUN! DearWebby

WHAT IS A CAT? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They never listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8. They're moody. 9. They leave hair everywhere. 10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. WHAT IS A DOG? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Remedy for Too Much Perfume Most people don't even realize they are wearing too much perfume. If you can still smell your perfume a half hour after putting it on, you likely are wearing too much. To help prevent putting too much on, spray it in front of you and then walk through the spray. To remove excess perfume, make a paste of water and baking soda and rub it where you applied the perfume, then rinse off the area with water. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com ____________________________________________________
Science tricks
____________________________________________________ Judi was talking to Monika one morning about a recent NASA new article. Judi said, "I can see how astronomers figure out the distance of stars and their size and temperatures and all that. But there's one thing I can't figure out." "What's that?" Monika asked. "How do they find out what the stars' names are?" ___________________________________________________
Badass trees that refuse to die. 2017.
___________________________________________________ A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Barry M for this report: There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The other 5% sayd they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. ____________________________________________________

Today, August 22, in 
1485 The War of the Roses ended with the death of England's
King Richard III. He was killed in the Battle of Bosworth
Field. His successor was Henry VII. 

1567 The "Council of Blood" was established by the Duke of
Alba. This was the beginning of his reign of terror in the
Netherlands. 

1642 The English Civil War began when Charles I called
Parliament and its soldiers traitors. 

1762 Ann Franklin became the editor of the Mercury of Newport
in Rhode Island. She was the first female editor of an
American newspaper. 

1770 Australia was claimed under the British crown when
Captain James Cook landed there. 

1775 The American colonies were proclaimed to be in a state
of open rebellion by England's King George III. He noticed!

1846 The U.S. annexed New Mexico. 

1851 The schooner America outraced the Aurora off the English
coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.

1865 A patent for liquid soap was issued to William Sheppard.

1902 In Hartford, CT, U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt
became the first president of the United States to ride in an
automobile. 

1906 The Victor Talking Machine Company of Camden, NJ began
to manufacture the Victrola. The hand-cranked unit, with horn
cabinet, sold for $200. 

1910 Japan formally annexed Korea. 

1911 It was announced that Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa"
had been stolen from the Louvre Museum in Paris. The painting
reappeared two years later in Italy. 

1932 The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) began its
first TV broadcast in England. 

1941 Nazi troops reached the outskirts of Leningrad during
World War II. 

1951 75,052 people watched the Harlem Globetrotters perform.
It was the largest crowd to see a basketball game. 

1959 Stephen Rockefeller married Anne Marie Rasmussen. Anne
had once been a maid for the powerful and wealthy Rockefeller
family. 

1968 Pope Paul VI arrived in Bogota, Colombia, for the start
of the first papal visit to Latin America. 

1972 Due to its racial policies, Rhodesia was asked to
withdraw from the 20th Olympic Summer Games. 

1973 Henry Kissinger was named Secretary of State by U.S.
President Nixon. Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize in the
same year. 

1984 The last Volkswagen Rabbit rolled off the assembly line
in New Stanton, PA. 

1986 Kerr-McGee Corp. agreed to pay the estate of the late
Karen Silkwood $1.38 million to settle a 10-year-old nuclear
contamination lawsuit. 

1989 Nolan Ryan became the first major league pitcher to
strike out 5000 batters. (MLB) 

1990 U.S. President George H.W. Bush signed an order for
calling reservists to aid in the build up of troops in the
Persian Gulf. 

1990 The U.S. State Department announced that the U.S.
Embassy in Kuwait would not be closed under President Saddam
Hussein's demand. 

1990 Angry smokers blocked a street in Moscow to protest the
summer-long cigarette shortage. 

1991 It was announced by Yugoslavia that a truce ordered on
August 7th with Croatia had collapsed. 

1991 Mikhail S. Gorbachev returned to Moscow after the
collapse of the hard-liners' coup. On the same day he purged
the men that had tried to oust him. 

1992 In Rostock, Germany, neo-Nazi violence broke out against
foreigners. 

1996 U.S. President Clinton signed legislation that ended
guaranteed cash payments to the poor and demanded work from
recipients. 

2004 In Oslo, Norway, a version of Edvard Munch's "The
Scream" and his work "Madonna" were stolen from the Munch
Museum. This version of "The Scream," one of four different
versions, was a tempera painting on board. 

2017  smiled.


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Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, August 21

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone 
screen in school parent pick-up line
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 21 in
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took possession of Santa Fe, NM. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. --- Rita Mae Brown ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Just like there is supposedly a "Husband Store", Martin reports there also is a "Wives" store. In contrast: A new WIVES STORE opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, like to cook and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. Nobody knows what is up there. ----------- I sure would like to find out where that store is! _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Actual statments from car insurance claims... (and they give these people drivers licenses, GEEZ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.' 'A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.' 'Unfortunately our client does not accept your offer. He is extremely interested in keeping the vehicle and would thank you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement.' 'The customer was reversing his car round a corner. He was concentrating so hard he backed straight into a signpost, denting his car. Fortunately he was in the right place. The signpost was outside a garage and read 'Free estimates for Accident Repairs'.' 'I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.' 'I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.' Q: 'Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?' A: 'Travelled by bus?' 'I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind'. 'I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.' 'I was going down the car park ramp when I hit a giant plastic mouse' 'I was stationary at the junction when a Mini in front rolled back and wrote off my Volvo'. 'On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.' 'On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.' 'The woman jumped onto a Zebra crossing in front of me.' 'Having checked the road was clear I pulled out when the motorcycle approached from nowhere and collided with my car.' 'Insured failed to observe end of pier and careened off into Irish Sea.' 'Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.' 'Travelling along road and was hit by vehicle'. 'I hooted at the pedestrian but he stared at me.' A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A -Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo 'On approaching roundabout I could see no vehicles coming from my right when suddenly the car in front braked and I hit him in the rear.' 'I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.' 'I was riding my motorbike under the influence of cannabis when I was chased by the police and stacked my bike.' 'I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight!' 'I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.' 'Mr X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?' 'No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.' 'I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.' 'While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown money (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated request to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial.' Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan. 'First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.' 'Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.' 'The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.' 'We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.' 'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.' 'Mr O'Leary had his springs attended to.' One policyholder, driving down a road, knocked over a pedestrian. The claim form revealed that the pedestrian's name was J Walker. 'I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it'. 'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face'. 'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car'. 'I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.' 'I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.' 'The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.' 'I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the hood of my car!' 'The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.' 'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when it struck the front end.' ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Christina Hester, 39, Fort Myers, Floriduh Woman caught snorting cocaine from iPhone screen in school parent pick-up line Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers, was arrested on Tuesday for allegedly snorting cocaine in her car in the parents' pick-up line at Lexington Middle School. A school resource officer said they witnessed Hester chopping up a white powdery substance on her iPhone screen using a credit card, according to a Lee County Sheriff's Office report. The report said she snorted the substance with a cut straw. The officer had her get out of the car and go up to his office, where he made the arrest. The officer field-tested the substance, which tested positive for cocaine. The total package weight was 0.5 grams. Hester is in custody on $6,500 bail, facing charges of cocaine possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. The make and model of her car were not listed in a sheriff's office report. It's not entirely clear whether she is the parent of a student at the school. The report said the Department of Children and Families was contacted. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bruce Re: BCC Dear Webby, I receive forwarded e-mails with lots of valid addresses in them. I've been bugging people to cut and paste just the contents and to use BCC on e-mails. I contend that it will prevent lots of valid e-mail addresses from eventually being forwarded inadvertently to spammers. This doesn't always make me popular, because it's slightly more difficult. Am I just blowing smoke here? Thanks for the newsletter, Bruce Dear Bruce You are 100% right. Most of those silly forwards are just gullibility traps started by spammers. They want to harvest the most gullible newbies, so that they can sell their snake oil and fake Rolexes to them, and get them subscribed to Honest Abe's Stockmarket Tips. Have FUN! DearWebby

Thanks to Ross for this classic! Emanuel Macron, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Macron!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ye!" "Well, Paddy," Macron replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Macron paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Macron, the war is stil on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Macron asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor," answers Paddy. Macron sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boyos from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Macron! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Macron. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few jars of Guinness, and decided there is no damn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Line Drying Clothing Tips and Tricks By andrea.henderso80 [3 Posts, 99 Comments] Using a clothesline outside or a drying rack inside can help save in more than one way. Drip or line drying saves on the electric bill because you aren't using the dryer as much or adding heat to the A/C load by using the dryer. It also saves your clothes because it won't shrink them or wear them out as fast and helps them stay bright and new looking longer. If you need to fluff them up a little or remove those stiff wrinkles, then while they are just a little bit damp, put them in the dryer on low heat with a couple of tennis balls for a little bit. Or after they are dry, put them in the dryer with a damp towel on low heat and again add tennis balls. You will be amazed! The combination of the low heat and a little dampness has a way of releasing wrinkles and the tennis balls add the fluff. You don't really need heat for fluffing your jeans or whatever. Just set the dryer to FLUFF, or DELICATE, no heat, add a tennis ball or smooth baby's sneaker, and they will fluff up quite nicely. Here it is almost always windy, so line drying takes all wrinkles out and it is very rarely that I have to use the dryer. I set up a clothes line on a reel from the porch to the garage. I can hang clothes even in the rain, while I am under the porch roof, and let the rain give the clothes an extra soft rinse. They will dry when the rain stops, then I pull the line and have the clothes come to me. Have FUN! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Science tricks
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? ___________________________________________________
Awesome video compiled by a storm chaser and music to go with the incredible video. 2017.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for these stats: Doctors: (A) The number of doctors in the US is 700,000 (B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000 (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14% Statistics courtesy of the US Dept. of Health &Human Services Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80 million) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875% Statistics courtesy of the FBI So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS A DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We should ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!! ____________________________________________________

Today, August 21, in 
1680 The Pueblo Indians drove the Spanish out and took
possession of Santa Fe, NM. 

1831 Nat Turner, a former slave, led a violent insurrection
in Virginia. He was later executed. 

1841 A patent for venetian blinds was issued to John Hampton.


1878 The American Bar Association was formed by a group of
lawyers, judges and law professors in Saratoga, NY. 

1888 The adding machine was patented by William Burroughs. 

1912 Arthur R. Eldred became the first American boy to become
an Eagle Scout. It is the highest rank in the Boy Scouts of
America. 

1923 In Kalamazoo, Michigan, an ordinance was passed
forbidding dancers from gazing into the eyes of their
partner. 

1943 Japan evacuated the Aleutian island of Kiaska. Kiaska
had been the last North American foothold held by the
Japanese. 

1945 U.S. President Truman ended the Lend-Lease program that
had shipped about $50 billion in aid to America's Allies
during World War II. 

1959 Hawaii became the 50th state. U.S. President Eisenhower
also issued the order for the 50 star flag. 

1963 In South Vietnam, martial law was declared. Army troops
and police began to crackdown on the Buddhist anti-government
protesters. 

1989 Voyager 2, a U.S. space probe, got close to the Neptune
moon called Triton. 

1991 The hard-line coup against Soviet President Mikhail
Gorbachev ended. The uprising that led to the collapse was
led by Russian federation President Boris Yeltsin. 

1993 NASA lost contact with the Mars Observer spacecraft. The
fate of the spacecraft is unknown. The mission cost $980
million. 

1996 The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act
of 1996 was signed by U.S. President Clinton. The act made it
easier to obtain and keep health insurance. 

1997 Hudson Foods Inc. closed a plant in Nebraska after it
had recalled 25 million pounds of ground beef that was
potentially contaminated with E. coli 01557:H7. It was the
largest food recall in U.S. history. 

1997 Afghanistan suspended its embassy operations in the
United States. 

2002 In Pakistan, President General Pervez Musharraf
unilaterally amended the Pakistani constitution. He extended
his term in office and granted himself powers that included
the right to dissolve parliament. 

2003 In Ghana, businessman Gyude Bryant was selected to
oversee the two-year power-sharing accord between Liberia's
rebels and the government. The accord was planned to guide
the country out of 14 years of civil war.

2017  smiled.


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Voice message email 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Thursday, August 17

Today I have to go to Calgary for injections into my
eyeballs. That means no newsletters on Friday, Saturday 
and Sunday. Enjoy your vacation!

>From Cajunbuckeye
Now I surely do miss your paper while  you are gone getting
your eyes medicated and all, but if I may suggest could you
not run reruns of your paper maybe the highest asked
question  of the week or month or so…I am so bored when I
have to waitt till Monday to get my dose of Dear Webby…
have a great weekennd
Cajunbuckeye

Dear Cajunbuckeye
The problem is not with the writing, but with the sending.
To prevent unauthorized hackers from abusing the sending
program, it is quite tricky.

That is the reason even Ophelia's newsletters get paused for
three days. I can't delegate the sending. I tried that one
time.

With an average of $30 in donations per good month, I
definitely can't pay anybody to do that for me.

You probably have saved old ones in your archive. Just scroll
through your archive.

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Domestic Assault Suspect Rams Patrol Car
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 17 in
1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as the
"Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River on its
successful round-trip to Albany. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Mistakes are the portals of discovery. --- James Joyce (1882 - 1941) We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts. --- John Dewey (1859 - 1952) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day the reason for that. "Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now." ______________________________________________________ Mt Tamalpais By Michael Hayashi _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Daniel Gaines, 35, Camdenton, Mo Domestic Assault Suspect Rams Patrol Car A man from Camdenton is jailed after he allegedly assaulted his wife and rammed a deputy patrol car while attempting to evade authorities. 35-year-old Daniel Gaines is accused of hitting his wife in the face and choking her on Monday night. Deputies got a 911 call at 10:20 p.m. Monday about the domestic disturbance off Hidden Drive in Camdenton but Gaines had left the scene before police arrived. Deputies located the man near Highway 54 and the North Highway 5 exit, according to a press release. Deputies with the Camden County Sheriff's Department briefly stopped Gaines' red 2010 F-150 truck around 11:53 p.m. before he sped off quickly. One deputy attempted to pass Gaines during the chase. Gaines rammed the patrol car numerous times on the dry gap bridge prior to the Niangua Bridge, eventually disabling the patrol vehicle. He then continued driving towards his home, through a ditch which eventually brought the chase to an end. Gaines then began to, as the press release states, "advance(d) on the deputies at which time a deputy’s taser was deployed." He was taken into custody and charged with first-degree assault, domestic assault, property damage, resisting arrest, and misdemeanor possession of marijuana. Gaines is being held without bond in Camden County Jail. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Nadia Re: Voice message email Dear Webby, I keep getting these emails with "Click attachment to listen to Voice Message" supposedly an attachment from some number, name unavailable. Somehow I have a hunch that it probably is not safe to click on that, and besides, I don't like being told to do something by somebody I don't know. What's the story? Nadia Dear Nadia Just dump it. If you had MailWasher, it would have dumped it for you. That is malware from the "Bad Shit" category, to use kind and diplomatic language. You can even make a filter. If mail is FROM vm@(yourdomain.com) then delete it, automatically, without even showing it in the list. After that, you will never see that crap again. Have FUN! DearWebby

From Ireland OFFICE MEMO Please note that at this year's company party there will be only one cup of booze per person. Please bring your own cup.
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Bread Crumbs Save leftover bread in a bag in your freezer. Bagels, baguettes, biscuits, crackers, rolls, sandwich bread all work well. When the bag gets full or you need some bread crumbs, process the bread into very fine crumbs in your food processor or blender. Then store the leftover crumbs in the freezer. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com If you want gourmet crumbs (coarser, and from mostly crust) make bread sticks from any left over bread dough, let them dry a few days and then smash them to crumbs in a gallon jar by hitting them with a piece of wood. The difference in taste is well worth the effort! DearWebby ____________________________________________________
Drawing mendhi on legs
____________________________________________________ >From Mona: I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She asked me, "Single click or double click?" ___________________________________________________
Amazing places on our planet. 2017.
___________________________________________________ >From Belinda Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?" "That I did." "And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?" "No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother is such a klutz, he couldn't do this to save his life!" ____________________________________________________

Today, August 17, in 
1790 The capital city of the U.S. moved to Philadelphia from
New York City. 

1807 Robert Fulton's "North River Steam Boat" (known as the
"Clermont") began heading up New York's Hudson River on its
successful round-trip to Albany. 

1815 Napoleon began serving his exile when he arrived at the
island of St. Helena. 

1859 A hot air balloon was used to carry mail for the first
time. John Wise left Lafayette, IN, for New York City with
100 letters. He had to land after only 27 miles. 

1863 Federal batteries and ships cannons bombarded Fort
Sumter in Charleston, SC, harbor during the Civil War. 

1896 The Klondike gold rush was set off by George Carmack
discovering gold on Rabbit Creek in the Yukon. 

1903 Joseph Pulitzer donated a million dollars to Columbia
University. This started the Pulitzer Prizes in his name. 

1915 Charles F. Kettering received a patent for the first
electric ignition device. 

1943 The Allied conquest of Sicily was completed as U.S. and
British forces entered Messina. 

1945 The nationalists of Indonesia declared their
independence from the Netherlands. 

1961 The Communist East German government completed the
construction of the Berlin Wall. 

1977 Florists Transworld Delivery (FTD) reported that in one
day the number of orders for flowers to be delivered to
Graceland had surpassed the number for any other event in the
company's history. 

1978 Maxie Anderson, Ben Abruzzo and Larry Newman became the
first to land after a successful trans-Atlantic balloon
flight. The voyage began in Presque Isle, ME and ended in
Miserey, France. 

1982 The U.S. Senate approved an immigration bill that
granted permanent resident status to illegal aliens who had
arrived in the United States before 1977. 

1985 A year-long strike began when 1,400 Geo. A. Hormel and
Co. meat packers walked off the job. 

1992 Woody Allen admitted to being romantically involved with
Soon-Yi Previn. The girl was the adopted daughter of Mia
Farrow, Allen's longtime companion. 

1996 A military cargo plane crashed in Wyoming killing eight
crew members and a Secret Service employee. The plane was
carrying gear for U.S. President Clinton. 

1996 Ross Perot was announced to be the Reform Party's
presidential candidate. It was the party's first-ever
candidate. 

1998 U.S. President Clinton admitted to having an improper
relationship with Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern. 

1998 NationsBank and BankAmerica merge to create the largest
U.S. bank. 

1998 Russia devalued the ruble. 

2002 In Santa Rosa, CA, the Charles M. Schulz Museum opened
to the public. 

2017  smiled.


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Making icons, step by step 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Wednesday, August 16

Tomorrow I have to go to Calgary for injections into my
eyeballs. That means no newsletters on Friday, Saturday 
and Sunday. Enjoy your vacation!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Robber who pepper-sprayed Walmart greeter
extradited back to Kentucky.
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 16 in
1777 During the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of
Bennington took place. New England's Minutemen routed the
British regulars. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. --- Robert Frost (1874 1963) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A mother was preparing pancakes for her 2 sons, the older 5 and the younger 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here," she said, "he would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Two little girls were sitting in the lunchroom of an elementary school in Beverly Hills. "Guess what," one said. "Mommy's getting married again, so I'll have a new daddy." "Really," said the other girl. "Who's she marrying?" "Winston James, the famous director." "Oh, you'll like him," the other girl exclaimed. "He was my daddy last fall." ______________________________________________________ Pfeiffer Beach, California _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Michael Jude, 35, Sandra Yeahquo 36, both of Oklahoma. Robber who pepper-sprayed Walmart greeter extradited back to Kentucky. The Mount Sterling, KY, Police Department issued two warrants in connection with a violent shoplifting incident at a Walmart store. After releasing surveillance images of the suspects, police identified them as Michael Jude, 35, and Sandra Yeahquo 36, both of Oklahoma. Police say they were involved in a shoplifting incident at Mt. Sterling Walmart over the weekend. Police say Jude pepper sprayed an 80-year-old employee who confronted him as he left the store with merchandise for which he didn't pay. Authorities captured Judge and Yeahquo in Oklahoma. Jude appeared in an Oklahoma courtroom on Thursday morning. He signed a waiver for extradition; An officer from Mount Sterling will now travel to Oklahoma to bring Jude back to Kentucky in handcuffs to face robbery charges. Pepper spraying an 80 year old is not going to go over easy! As for Yeahquo, court clerks in Oklahoma say she has outstanding charges in Tulsa, that she must face a judge for first. Her extradition hearing will take place next week. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Dolores Re: Making Icons Dear Webby, I know you told us in the past how to make icons, but because I didn't need any,I didn't pay attention. Now, to use the trick you told mark today, I do need to know. Can you please tell us again? I do have a graphics program. Dolores Dear Dolores The biggest challenge is to decide, what you want on the icon. You can take any picture you want, but you will see that when you reduce it to icon size, most pitures will be a confusing mess. Usually, unless you have a very high contrast picture like today's or yesterday's picture of the day, it will be easier to just paint something. Create a new image, 64 x 64, and make the background the same as your desktop background. Save it as the name you want to give it, but with a .BMP extension. Yes, BMP, just like we used in the 80's. Microsoft insists that icons be backward compatible all the way back to DOS, just the user interface gets changed all the time to annoy you. Then take a contrasting color and paint a symbol or a number. You can even use the text tool and write a symbol. If you use the WingDingas font, then you get astrological signs, playing cards, and all kinds of neat stuff. Try that first on a bigger picture and write the whole alphabet to see which letter produces the symbol you want. Ok, once you have a recognizable high contrast picture, for example the flying (turned sideways) 69, that is the letter a in Wingding font, save it as for example 69.bmp and close the file. Now use the file explorer or DOS and rename the file to 69.ico. Make sure it is in a place, that you can find easily. Next go to the shortcut that should have that icon. Right-click it, Properties, Change Icon and browse to your new icon. Apply, OK Done. That is all there is to it. Next icon. All you have to remember is: 64 x 64 size, high contrast. Have FUN! DearWebby

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week after the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Energy When Using Your Oven Any time you open your oven the temperature drops 25 to 30 degrees. If you want to peek at the dish you are baking, use the window on the door and oven light instead. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com ____________________________________________________
Elephant plays piano
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for bringing back this steamboat classic: The Romantic Sailor A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's having me every night." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." ___________________________________________________
Amazing places on our planet. 2017.
___________________________________________________ >From Paula Dear Webby, can you please bring back that bricklayer's accident report? Paula Sure, Paula. I remember sen ding that around via fax before the Internet, and a few times since then. Here it is: It seems wrong to laugh at someone else's misfortune, but.... This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Dear Sir I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry. Leonard Cromley
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?" "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 16, in 
1777 During the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of
Bennington took place. New England's Minutemen routed the
British regulars. 

1812 Detroit fell to Indian and British troops in the War of
1812. 

1829 The "Siamese twins," Chang and Eng Bunker, arrived in
Boston, MA. They had come to the Western world to be
exhibited. They were 18 years old and joined at the waist. 

1842 In New York City, the U.S. government took over
operations of the City Despatch Post. This was the first
congressionally authorized local postage delivery. 

1858 A telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to
U.S. President Buchanan was transmitted over the recently
laid trans-Atlantic cable. 

1861 U.S. President Lincoln prohibited the Union states from
trading with the states of the Confederacy. 

1923 Carnegie Steel Corporation put into place the eight-hour
workday for its employees. 

1930 The first British Empire Games were held at Hamilton,
Ontario, Canada. The event is now called the British
Commonwealth Games. 

1937 Harvard University became the first school to have
graduate courses in traffic engineering and administration. 

1954 Sports Illustrated was published for the first time. It
was claimed that 250,000 subscriptions had been sold before
the first issue came off of the presses. 

1960 Cyprus was granted independence by Britain. 

1960 The free-fall world record was set by Joseph Kittinger.
He fell more than 16 miles (about 84,000 feet) before opening
his parachute over New Mexico. 

1978 Xerox was fined for excluding Smith-Corona Mfg. from the
copier market. The fine was $25.6 million. 

1995 Voters in Bermuda rejected independence from Great
Britain. 

1999 In Russia, Vladimir V. Putin was confirmed as prime
minister by the lower house of parliament. 

2017  smiled.


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Uncomplicating Explorer 





Good Morning, ,
Today is Tuesday, August 15

The Perseids meteor shower is not finished yet. 
Even in the thick smoke we have, the falling stars 
are still visible.

Thursday I have to go to Calgary for injections into my
eyeballs. That means no newsletters on Friday, Saturday 
and Sunday. Enjoy your vacation!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Mom abandons 10-year-old son with 
special needs in woods
 Bonehead
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 15 in
1945 The Allies proclaimed V-J Day a day after Japan 
agreed to surrender unconditionally. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Adventure is just bad planning. --- Roald Amundsen (1872 - 1928) Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe. --- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988) There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that the older generation didn't outgrow. --- Socratex ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Anni was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure the old boy'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," her friend replied. "Normally, yes," said Anni. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those two nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy with the bicycle. ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Debra Wisler, 39, Millville City, New Jersey Mom abandons 10-year-old son with special needs in woods Debra Wisler, 39, of Millville City A New Jersey woman is accused of abandoning her 10-year-old son, who has special needs, in the woods. Debra Wisler, 39, of Millville City, is charged with endangering the welfare of a child, according to the New Jersey State Police. Troopers said that a passing motorist spotted the boy wandering Aug. 3 in a wooded area near the visitor's center at Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst near Trenton. The motorist contacted military personnel at the base, who took the boy in and gave him food, water and treated minor injuries he had suffered. The boy told his rescuers that his mother took him into the woods with his luggage and left him there, troopers said. He said he fell asleep, but woke up hungry. The boy was able to give them his mother's name and phone number. State police investigators and social workers placed the boy in a temporary home while they investigated the case, troopers said. When they talked to Wisler the next day, they determined that she was trying to enroll her son in a child program at the base. CBS New York reported that investigators believe she abandoned him nearby after learning that he was not eligible for the program. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Mark Re: Uncomplicating Explorer Dear Webby, It irks me every time when I open the Windows file Explorer that it starts focused on Desktop, My documents instead of c:\ Is there a way to fix that ? Mark Dear Mark I agree that it's a silly nuisance to have to tippy-toe all the way up to the root first before you can start doing what you plan to do. Fortunately it's easy to fix the stupid rigmarole. Open the file explorer and click on TOOLS, FolderOptions. Select Classic, if you haven't already. Hit OK Go to the address bar on top and type in there C:\ and hit Enter. Drag the little icon to the left of the address bar onto your desktop, preferably near the START button. Touch that new shortcut icon and hit F2 to rename it to C: or something short. Done. Now, when you click that icon, the file explorer will open at the top of the C:\ drive. You can just as easily make shortcuts to your D: drive, your CD, your music folder, your spreadsheet folder, whatever. If you keep those shortcut names short, you can make a compact ribbon of the most used destinations. Making different icons for each is easy enough. Have FUN! DearWebby

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom." When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?" "What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?" "I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Saving Money on Plastic Wrap One way to save money on plastic wrap is to cut a roll in half. Then you have two narrow rolls that work great for small items like brownies and cookies. Tip provided by http://www.ThriftyFun.com ____________________________________________________
Britain's Got Talent surprise
____________________________________________________ "How does Janice like being pregnant?" asked friend John. "Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting." "What's the difference?" asked. "Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ." ___________________________________________________
Memoirs of a Playboy Bunny in New York. 2017.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Roland for this one: We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Jake had proposed to young Sarah and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor. "Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am." "Think carefully now," said Sarah's father. "There are twelve of us..." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 15, in 
1057 Macbeth, the King of Scotland, was killed by the son of
King Duncan. 

1848 The dental chair was patented by M. Waldo Hanchett. 

1877 Thomas Edison wrote to the president of the Telegraph
Company in Pittsburgh, PA. The letter stated that the word,
"hello" would be a more appropriate greeting than "ahoy" when
answering the telephone. 

1911 The product Crisco was introduced by Procter & Gamble
Company. 

1914 The Panama Canal was officially opened to commercial
traffic as an American ship sailed from the Atlantic to the
Pacific Ocean. The first vessel to pass through the canal was
the American cargo and passenger ship SS Ancon. 

1918 Diplomatic ties between the U.S. and Russia were
severed. 

1935 Will Rogers and Wiley Post were killed in an airplane
crash in near Point Barrow, AK. 

1939 "The Wizard of Oz" premiered in Hollywood, CA. Judy
Garland became famous for the movie's song "Somewhere Over
the Rainbow." 

1943 Because of his special talent to use food scraps in both
unusual and appetizing recipes, the U.S. War Department
awarded Sgt. Edward Dzuba the Legion of Merit. 

1944 The Allied forces of World War II landed in southern
France. 

1945 The Allies proclaimed V-J Day a day after Japan agreed
to surrender unconditionally. 

1947 India became independent from Britain and was divided
into the countries of India and Pakistan. India had been
under British rule about 200 years. 

1948 The Republic of Korea was proclaimed. 

1949 In San Francisco, a stunt leap off the Golden Gate
Bridge was performed for the first time. 

1961 East German workers began construction of the Berlin
Wall. 

1970 Mrs. Pat Palinkas became the first woman to 'play' in a
pro football game when she held the ball for the Orlando, FL,
Panthers. 

1971 U.S. President Nixon announced a 90-day freeze on wages,
rents and prices. 

1986 The U.S. Senate approved a package of economic sanctions
against South Africa. The ban included the importing of
steel, uranium, textiles, coal, and produce from South
Africa. 

1992 Vietnam blamed Hollywood for creating the "myth"
concerning the issue of U.S. servicemen still being held
prisoner in Indochina. 

1997 The U.S. Justice Department decided not to prosecute FBI
officials in connection with the deadly 1992 Ruby Ridge siege
in Idaho. The investigation dealt with an alleged cover-up. 

2000 A group of 100 people from North Korea arrived in South
Korea for temporary reunions with relatives they had not seen
for half a century. Also, a group of 100 South Koreans
visited the North. 

2001 Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar
system outside our own. They had discovered two planets
orbiting a star in the Big Dipper. 

2011 Google announced that it would acquire Motorola Mobility
for $12.5 billion. 

2017  smiled.


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Make a shortcut to the Music folder 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Monday, August 14

Get out tonight to watch the Perseids meteor shower!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
DNA from unflushed toilet nailed 
California burglar
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 14 in
1919 About 1 million tons of ice and rock broke off of a
glacier near Mont Blanc, France. Nine people were killed in
the incident. It was not blamed on CO2 and Global Warming.
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. --- Paul Fix Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. --- Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cohen turned to his wife. "Show him your tooth, Sarah!" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ During parachute class the instructor took time to anwser any of our silly First Timer Questions. One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan anwsered: "The whole rest of your life." ______________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Andrew David Jensen, 42, Thousand Oaks, California DNA from unflushed toilet nailed California burglar Police in Thousand Oaks, California, used DNA found in an unflushed toilet to finger a burglary suspect. Andrew David Jensen, 42, was arrested on July 28 on suspicion of committing a burglary last October. Detectives managed to sniff out the suspect after they found some fecal matter in a toilet at the crime scene and had it tested for DNA, according to the Ventura County Star. The sample was sent to the Ventura County Sheriff’s Office Forensic Services Bureau for processing before being submitted to the Combined DNA Information System to see if there was a match with a known suspect. Police got a DNA match on July 25 for Jensen, who they tracked down to his home in nearby Ventura. He was arrested three days later on suspicion of first-degree residential burglary, a felony, according to the Associated Press. His bail was set at $180,000. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bonnie Re: Shortcut to music folder Dear Webby, Is there a way to create a short cut and thus a desk top icon to a music file folder that does not give that option when I right click on it? Getting to my music files is a small nuisance going through explorer & down several more clicks. Thank you!! Bonnie Dear Bonnie Just browse to that folder with the file explorer, drag the icon from the left side of the address bar in file Explorer to an open spot on your desktop. Highlight that icon Hit F2 and rename it to something shorter Right-click the icon and change the icon to something else. Hit APPLY, and OK. Done. Have FUN! DearWebby

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning. When Patty came into the office she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her. The first question was this. "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed. But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Save Those Bread Bags! By marie cecchini [204 Posts, 2 Comments] Never toss those bags when you've finished a loaf of bread. They are great for storing home baked goods either to freeze or store in your cupboard - saves on using and washing your plastic containers - less time spent and water used. By Marie from West Dundee, IL ____________________________________________________
Keep the flour away from toddlers
____________________________________________________ Thanks to Connie for this story: An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Why?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!" ___________________________________________________
Winners of the National Geographic travel photographer of the year contest 2017.
___________________________________________________ Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Gramma Jones tripped on the stairs and broke her leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that she wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off. Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced her well on the way to recovery. "Oh good," she responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?" "Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful." "I can't tell you what a relief it will be," she sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe to my fifth floor apartment all the time!" ____________________________________________________

Today, August 14, in 
1248 The rebuilding of the Cologne Cathedral in Cologne,
Germany, began after being destroyed by fire. 

1805 A peace treaty between the U.S. and Tunis was signed on
board the USS Constitution. 

1880 The Cologne Cathedral in Cologne, Germany was completed
after 632 years of rebuilding. 

1888 A patent for the electric meter was granted to Oliver B.
Shallenberger. 

1896 Gold was discovered in Canada's Yukon Territory. Within
the next year more than 30,000 people rushed to the area to
look for gold. 

1900 An international force, consisting of eight nations,
lifted the siege of Peking. It was the end to the Boxer
Rebellion, which was aimed at purging China of foreigners. 

1917 China declared war on Germany and Austria during World
War I. 

1919 About 1 million tons of ice and rock broke off of a
glacier near Mont Blanc, France. Nine people were killed in
the incident. It was not blamed on CO2 and Global Warming.

1935 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social
Security Act into law. The act created unemployment insurance
and pension plans for the elderly. 

1936 The first basketball competition was held at the Olympic
Games in Berlin, Germany. The U.S. defeated Canada, 19-8. 

1941 The U.S. Congress appropriated the funds to construct
the Pentagon (approximately $83 million). The building was
the new home of the U.S. War Department. 

1941 U.S. President Roosevelt and British Prime Minister
Winston Churchill issued the Atlantic Charter. The charter
was a statement of principles that renounced aggression. 

1944 The federal government allowed the manufacture of
certain domestic appliances to resume on a limited basis. 

1945 It was announced by U.S. President Truman that Japan had
surrendered unconditionally. The surrender ended World War
II. 

1947 Pakistan became independent from British rule. 

1953 The wiffle ball was invented. 

1962 A U.S. mail truck was held up in Plymouth, MA. The
robbers got away with more that $1.5 million dollars. 

1969 British troops arrived in Northern Ireland to intervene
in sectarian violence between Protestants and Roman
Catholics. 

1973 The U.S. bombing of Cambodia ended. The halt marked the
official end to 12 years of combat in Indochina by the U.S. 

1980 People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was
incorporated. 

1986 U.S. officials announced that a U.S. Drug Enforcement
agent had been abducted, interrogated and tortured by Mexican
police. 

1992 The U.S. announced that emergency airlifts of food to
Somalia would begin. The action was being taken to stop mass
deaths due to starvation. 

1995 Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet in the
history of The Citadel, South Carolina's state military
college. She quit the school less than a week later. 

2000 Valujet was ordered to pay $11 million in fines and
restitution for hazardous waste violations in the crash that
killed 110 people in 1996. 

2015 In Havana, Cuba, the U.S. Embassy was re-opened after
being closed 54 years earlier. 

2017  smiled.


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He got hijacked 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Sunday, August 13

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Man arrested for trying to strangle woman 
in Kentucky cemetery
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 13 in
1521 Present day Mexico City was captured by Spanish
conqueror Hernando Cortez from the Aztec Indians. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ This is the challenge of writing. You have to be very emotionally engaged in what you’re doing, or it comes out flat. You can’t fake your way through this. --- Gordon Atkinson "...that whoever is not a liberal when young has no heart, whoever is not a conservative when middle-aged has no head, and whoever is still either a liberal or a conservative at age seventy-eight has no sense of humor." --- Herbert Stein ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Man: "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of." Friend: "Forgets everything, eh?" Man: "No, remembers everything." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Rhonda for this story: Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church." ______________________________________________________ Night over West Quoddy, Lubec, Maine West Quoddy Head Light sits on the easternmost point of the contiguous United States. _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Brice Gross, 19, Georgetown, Kentucky Man arrested for trying to strangle woman in Kentucky cemetery Georgetown Police arrested a man they say tried to strangle a woman in a cemetery, with the intent to kill her. Police say Brice Gross, 19, snuck up behind a woman on Saturday evening in the Georgetown Cemetery. Police say he attacked the woman and began to try to strangle her. The woman was able to fight him off, and Gross ran away, police said. Officers located Gross shortly after and arrested him. According to his arrest citation, Gross told police that he was going to strangle the woman until she was unconscious, then put her body in her own vehicle. He then told police he was going to place a rock on the car’s gas pedal and send it into a body of water. In an interview from jail, Gross told WKYT's Garrett Wymer that he was at the cemetery visiting his uncle's grave, when he blacked out and went into another personality. "I vaguely remember getting her to the ground and then running," Gross said. "That's just about it. I don't remember anything else." Gross said he has several hundred personalities that he deals with - though he says nothing violent like this has happened before. He said he thinks visiting his uncle's grave brought to the surface a lot of emotions that he says likely triggered the personality change on Saturday. He says he knows he needs medical help. Gross is now charged with attempted murder and kidnapping. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Bill Re: Hijacked Dear Webby, It looks like I've been high jacked by .hemailaccessonline.com/. Whenever I open a new tab in Firefox, the address automatically goes to .hemailaccessonline.com/. I checked on the internet and evidently this is not a virus, but it will redirect your browser to sites of their choice that may be malicious. The only repair that I could find were pay programs. I am sure you will have a better solution, as always. Thanks in advance. Bill Dear Bill That is just a Browser Hijacker. Search.hemailaccessonline.com is a browser hijacker that is bundled with other free software that you download off of the Internet. When installed this browser hijacker it will set the homepage and search engine for your web browser to https://search.hemailaccessonline.com. Malwarebytes will get rid of it. Pretty well all valid info I could find, mention MalwareBytes in the first or second step. When done, reset your home page and search engine. The cleaners just get rid of hemailaccessonline.com, they don`t know what you had in there before that hijacker deleted it. Btw., what did you download that had that hijacker as payload? Have FUN! DearWebby

>From Irene: During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Refrigerator Pops Recipes By Darlene [52 Posts, 14 Comments] With summer almost here, I found some really good but healthy refrigerator pops for the kids. It took a while to dig them out but I did and thought I would share them with you! I hope your kids enjoy them. In fact, they really are good for adults as we have to watch those calories that are not there one day but somehow those shorts you just wore refuse to fit. So here goes, they are considered to be healthy snacking which is hard in the summer to find with all the wonderful looking desserts and fancy ice cream cones. It is hard to find good snacks but here are some. Good Luck and enjoy! Strawberry-Banana Cream Pops Ingredients: 2 (8 oz.) cartons of strawberry yogurt 1 cup sliced fresh strawberries 1 ripe banana 1 Tbsp. honey 8 (3 oz.) cold drink cups 8 wooden sticks Directions: In your blender or food processor bowl with metal blade, combine yogurt, strawberries, banana and honey; blend till smooth. Fill each cup with about 1/3 cup yogurt mixture. Place cups in freezer until partially frozen, (about 1 hour). Insert sticks, freeze until firm (about 2 hours). Remove drink cups and serve. MMMM, now I want one! I am not trying to be funny but I am thinking summer and having one of these! Pineapple Orange Pops Ingredients: 8 oz. carton plain yogurt 8 oz. can crushed pineapple, undrained 6 oz. can frozen pineapple-orange juice concentrate, thawed 8 (3 oz.) cold drink cups 8 wooden sticks Directions: In blender or food processor in bowl with metal blade, combine yogurt, pineapple and pineapple-orange juice concentrate, blend until smooth. Fill each cup with about 1/3 cup pineapple mixture. Place cups in freezer until partially frozen, (about 1 hr). Insert sticks then freeze till firm, about 2 hours. Remove cups and serve. Icy Watermelon Pops Cut watermelon into slices about 1 1/4 inches thick. Cut each slice into pie shaped wedges of desired size. Using a sharp knife, pierce rind, insert wooden stick. Place on waxed paper lined pan or tray, freeze till firm. Wrap individually in foil or plastic wrap. Store in freezer. ____________________________________________________
Weird things caught on camera
____________________________________________________ That reminds me of this one: After a day of grueling maneuvers in the muddy swamp under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks, exhausted, muddy from top to bottom, sweaty and smelly. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter." ___________________________________________________
I don't know if this artist saw this unique woodworking in visions or bad dreams.
___________________________________________________ Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher, "They say I died!!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from???"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ >From Dianne I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I'd been 'putering', And I had to answer "yes." He told me to get off my butt And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up... The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shined the topside. That really did the trick... I was just admiring my work... I didn't mean to 'click.' But click, I did, and oops I found A real absorbing site That I got SO way into... I was into it all night.<> Nothing's changed except my mouse It's very, very shiny. I guess my house will stay a mess... While I sit here on my hiney. ____________________________________________________

Today, August 13, in 
1521 Present day Mexico City was captured by Spanish
conqueror Hernando Cortez from the Aztec Indians. 

1704 The Battle of Blenheim was fought during the War of the
Spanish Succession, resulting in a victory for English and
Austrian forces. 

1792 French revolutionaries took the entire French royal
family and imprisoned them. 

1867 "Under the Gaslight", by Augustin Daly, opened in New
York City, NY. 

1876 The Reciprocity Treaty between the U.S. and Hawaii was
ratified. 

1889 A patent for a coin-operated telephone was issued to
William Gray. 

1912 The first experimental radio license was issued to St.
Joseph's College in Philadelphia, PA. 

1931 The first community hospital in the U.S. was dedicated
in Elk City, OK. 

1932 Adolf Hitler refused to take the post of vice-chancellor
of Germany. He said he was going to hold out "for all or
nothing." 

1934 Al Capp's comic strip "L'il Abner" made its debut in
newspapers. 

1942 Henry Ford unveiled his "Soybean Car." It was a plastic-
bodied car that weighed about 1000 lbs. less than a steel
car. The media did not like it and very few were sold.

1959 In New York, ground was broken on the $320 million
Verrazano Narrows Bridge. 

1960 "Echo I," a balloon satellite, allowed the first two-way
telephone conversation by satellite to take place. 

1961 Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the
flight of refugees. Two days later work on the Berlin Wall
began. 

1985 The engagement of Maria Shriver and Arnold
Schwarzenagger was announced. 

1990 Iraq transferred $3-4 billion in bullion, currency, and
other goods seized from Kuwait to Baghdad. 

1994 It was reported that aspirin not only helps reduce the
risk of heart disease, but also helps prevent colon cancer.

2017  smiled.


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Alarm about aa.online-metrix.net 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Saturday, August 12

Thank you, Svend!

Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Anti-Trump fanatic” murders his Republican neighbor
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 12 in
1851 Isaac Singer was issued a patent on the 
double-headed sewing machine. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ We always like those who admire us; we do not always like those whom we admire. --- Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll drag him in in the morning..." _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ Wife: "I was a fool when I married you." Husband: "I guess you were, but I was so in love at the time I didn't notice for two years." ______________________________________________________ Protector and bodyguard in the wagon _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Clayton P. Carter, 51, Wesst Goshen, Pennsylvania Anti-Trump fanatic” murders his Republican neighbor The victim G. Brooks Jennings was murdered while his wife watched Clayton stand over her husband and shoot him in the head. Police have charged Clayton Carter, 51, in the shooting death of G. Brooks Jennings. Shortly before 8 p.m. Monday, police responded to the 300 block of Box Elder Drive for a dispute between Carter and Jennings about Carter cursing and noisy video recording in the back yard. Police said they were able to resolve that dispute. Then at approximately 1 a.m. Tuesday, police say the neighbors got into another dispute. Carter told police that Jennings shined a light into his eyes while he was outside. Carter then allegedly pulled a car onto his lawn, shining the high beams of the car on Jennings’ property. Carter then allegedly retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun from his house and confronted the victim again outside. Officials say Carter shot Jennings once in the head, knocking him to the ground. Carter then allegedly stood over Jennings’ body and shot him once more in the head. The victim was on his own property, police said. Jennings’ wife allegedly heard the first gunshot, then saw Carter stand over her husband as he fired the second shot. Police recovered two shell casings, the gun and a knife at the scene. One shell casing was located on Carter’s property. The second shell casing was found on the victim’s property, near Jennings’ body. Carter has been charged with murder and related offenses, and is currently being held at the Chester County Prison. Neighbor Brian Dougherty got emotional when speaking of Jennings. “You don’t want to sound cliche, you see this on TV all the time, but he is probably the nicest, best guy I’ve ever met in my whole life. Really, seriously,” Dougherty said. Police say Carter had disputes with a number of other neighbors, and even pulled a gun on Jennings during a past altercation. Neighbors say Carter was a quarrelsome, argumentative man. Court records claim Carter had a history of disputes with many neighbors. His front yard was crowded with cars and hand lettered anti-Trump signs. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Noella Re: Alarm about aa.online-metrix.net Dear Webby, I am getting an alarm about aa.online-metrix.net every now and then. Malwarebytes is catching it, but what is it? Noella Dear Noella That is just your W10 phoning the emperor (Microsoft) to fink on what you are wearing and what you are doing with W10. Don't worry about it. Microsoft doesn't care about what you are wearing or about you at all, otherwise we would still have a comfortable XP style user interface. Quite the opposite. They just care about how THEIR W10 is working. That is the data they ordered it to send to their metrix servers. Since you don't own your W10 installation, but are just kindly allowed to use it after paying for it, there is nothing you can do about that. Malwarebytes did an update this evening and is now no longer reporting that your computer is sending data to Microsoft's Metrix servers. They were apparently assured that the data is just metrics about W10 and does not include your bra number, just the cup letters. Just kidding. They are not interested in you. Have FUN! DearWebby

Husband shopping A Walmart store that sells husbands has just opened in town where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow" so she goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me! So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal Mart's Husband Store -
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Homemade Scale To Determine Postage By Chuck [22 Posts, 183 Comments] At times I wasn't certain if outgoing mail needed more than a 1 oz. first class stamp, so I'd have to drive to a post office. I decided to build my own scale and it works. A simple balance-beam scale is easy to build. Comparative mass for a one ounce weight (28.3 grams) is almost exactly the same as five modern US quarters (28.35 grams). In my picture I included five quarters in the packages at each end of the scale. It seems the loaded envelope plus stamp is a tiny bit heavier, so I need to add postage. All I needed was an inexpensive laundry hanger section, a few paper clips, and a tool or two, and I was set. By Chuck1 For rare and occasional weighing once or twice a year that sure beats paying $8 plus shipping for a digital kitchen scale from Amazon! ____________________________________________________
Larry the parrot dials an imaginary phone and has conversation.
____________________________________________________ Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.. I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No. Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the cops. ___________________________________________________
Handprint art.
___________________________________________________ Thanks to Ross for this: You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if..... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if.... People ask when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if.... When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." ) You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church! Is A Redneck Church if... People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a semi air horn. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if.... The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Every pick-up truck in the church parking lot has at least 1/8 of a ton of junk, ahem, "potential resources" in the back. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now!! Ya hear!
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ Dear Webby I recently purchased Mailwasher, and it's been a godsend! Thank you for posting the link! Dawn ____________________________________________________

Today, August 12, in 
1676 "King Phillip's War" came to an end with the killing of
Indian chief King Phillip. The war between the Indians and
the Europeans lasted for two years. 

1851 Isaac Singer was issued a patent on the double-headed
sewing machine. 

1865 Disinfectant was used for the first time during surgery
by Joseph Lister. 

1867 U.S. President Andrew Johnson sparked a move to impeach
him when he defied Congress by suspending Secretary of War
Edwin M. Stanton. 

1877 Thomas Edison invented the phonograph and made the first
sound recording. 

1898 The Spanish-American War was ended with the signing of
the peace protocol. The U.S. acquired Guam, Puerto Rico and
the Philippines. Hawaii was also annexed. 

1915 "Of Human Bondage" by William Somerset Maugham was first
published. 

1918 Regular airmail service began between Washington, DC,
and New York City. 

1939 "The Wizard of Oz" premiered in Oconomowoc, WI. Judy
Garland became famous for the movie's song "Somewhere Over
the Rainbow." The movie premiered in Hollywood on August
15th. 

1953 The Soviet Union secretly tested its first hydrogen
bomb. 

1960 The balloon satellite Echo One was launched by the U.S.
from Cape Canaveral, FL. It was the first communications
satellite. 

1962 The Soviet Union launched Pavel Popovich into orbit.
Popovich and Andrian Nikolayev, who was launch a day before,
both landed on August 15. 

1964 Mickey Mantle set a major league baseball record when he
hit home runs from both the left and ride sides of the plate
in the same game. 

1977 The space shuttle Enterprise passed its first solo
flight test. 

1981 IBM unveiled its first PC. 

1986 It was announced by NASA that they had selected a new
rocket design for the space shuttle. The move was made in an
effort at correcting the flaws that were believed to have
been responsible for the Challenger disaster. 

1988 The movie "The Last Temptation of Christ" opened. 

1992 The U.S., Canada, and Mexico announced that the North
American Free Trade Agreement had been created after 14
months of negotiations. 

1993 U.S. President Clinton lifted the ban on rehiring air
traffic controllers that had been fired for going on strike
in 1981. 

1994 Major league baseball players went on strike rather than
allow team owners to limit their salaries. The strike lasted
for 232 days. As a result, the World Series was wiped out for
the first time in 90 years. 

1998 Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion as restitution
to World War II Holocaust victims. 

1999 Hang Thu Thi Ngyuen shot an arrow from a bow with her
feet on "Guinness World Records: Primetime" and hit a target
that was 16 feet and 5 inches away. 

2000 The Russian nuclear submarine Kursk sank and its 118-man
crew died during naval exercises in the Barents Sea. 

2004 The California Supreme Court voided the nearly 4,000
same-sex marriages that had been sanctioned in San Francisco
earlier in the year. 

2008 Russia halted its five-day assault on Georgia. 

2017  smiled.


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Quiet emergency power 




Good Morning, ,
Today is Friday, August 11
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


Have Fun!
Dearwebby

Todays Bonehead Award:
Florida man kills AAA contract worker 
over response time
 Boneheads
______________________________________________________
Today, Aug 11 in
1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton. 
See More of what happened on this 
day in history.
______________________________________________________
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
______________________________________________________ Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. --- Albert Einstein "If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." --- Ray Bradbury All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others. --- George Orwell (1903 - 1950) in Animal Farm Animal Farm was the first English book I read. That was in 63 or 64. ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'" _____________________________________________________ Malwarebytes for Home | Anti-Malware Premium | Free Trial Download ______________________________________________________ A man approached his family physician and said, "Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, "Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" "No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of widowers marrying again, haven't you?" ______________________________________________________ Long Eared Owl by Matteusz Piesiak _____________________________________________________
If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes!
______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jesus Esquivel, 63, Miami, Florida Florida man kills AAA contract worker over response time A man in Miami faces second-degree murder charges after police said he fatally shot a AAA contract worker over the amount of time he waited to get assistance. Jesus Esquivel, 63, initially threatened a 24-hour roadside AAA technician when he called him to fix a car battery at his home, WPLG reports. The technician then requested AAA dispatch to remove him from Esquivel’s service call, and an employee of a company contracted by AAA came to assist him instead. Once the employee arrived, police said Esquivel confronted him and shot him multiple times. Police said the victim died at the scene, according to WPLG. Police took Esquivel to Miami-Dade County Jail Wednesday after he confessed to fatally shooting the employee. Looks like he has his retirement home picked out. _________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Helga Re: Quiet emergency power Dear Webby, I know you used to live in the arctic, and you were in the last hurricane, but you never missed a single Humor Letter. Obviously you must be a wizz with emergency power. OK, now that I have flattered you up, what free advice do I get about emergency power in an apartment where It would be frowned upon, if I ran a noisy generator in the hallway? I just need the power for the laptop and a few lights. The rest I can fake for a few days. Thanks Helga Dear Helga Just get a few car or truck batteries, an automotive battery charger, and a Stat-Power 12 Volt DC to 120 Volt AC inverter, like the ones you plug into a car cigarette lighter to convert the car's 12 Volt into regular household type electricity. If you keep the batteries charged beforehand, they will power a laptop and a few folded tube fluorescents for a week or more, even more if you get LED lights at the Dollar Tree. Keep in mind, they usually have the tiny end like a sewing machine light, and you may have to get an adapter from Home Depot or an electrical supply business. Printers are not easy on power. Try to avoid printing until the power returns. If you expect the power outage to last longer, you can get one of those cute little Yamaha briefcase style Inverter class generators or something like that. They are very quiet and, if you hang them outside a window, make less noise than a sewing machine. They have a 12 Volt outlet for battery charging built in. Don't hang it outside a window on the ground floor. It would walk away in a hurry! Have FUN! DearWebby

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." "Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Get More Juice Out Of Your Lemon By Cajun [58 Posts, 327 Comments] Place lemon(s) in microwave for about 10-20 seconds (based on your microwave) until the lemon is very warm to the touch (almost hot). Wait until you feel comfortable handling the lemon, then cut and squeeze. You should be able to get at least 30-40% more juice than normal. ____________________________________________________
tractor square dance
____________________________________________________ >From Chris in Oz It was dead winter and colder than hell, when Billy noticed his outdoor toilet was full. Now that was a problem he didn't know how to handle, so Billy searched out Clem for advice. Clem told Billy that the thought they could use dynamite to clean out the hole. He just happened to have a few sticks left from a job he done the past summer. The next day Clem went over to Billy's house and they both looked down the hole. Clem said, "Yep, its full. I think this one will take two sticks!" So he and Billy got busy, put the dynamite in the hole and put a long fuse to it. They were standing behind the wood pile nearby when Billy's wife Sally came running out of the house and headed straight for the toilet. Billy and Clem both yelled and hollered for Sally to stop, but she kept going and said, "I don't have time to stop and talk, I gotta take care of business." WELL lo and behold, Sally no more than got seated and the whole toilet blew up. Boards and shit flew all over. Sally picked herself off the ground, looked at Billy and Clem and said, "WHEW, I am sure glad that I didn't let that one go in the house!" --------------------- Believe it or not, but that method is actually quite popular in the arctic. However, there outhouses are built on skids, and for blowing over the frozen pyramid down below, the outhouse is hitched up to the sled dogs and towed 20 feet upwind. Done that many times when I was living in the Yukon. ___________________________________________________
What a strange and wonderful mind this man has.
___________________________________________________ A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars. That was quite a lot of money in those days!"
Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.
____________________________________________________ There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists tried. The King looked at all the pictures, but there were only two he really liked and he had to choose between them. One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains were all around it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds. All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace. The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, in which lightening played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest ... perfect peace. Which picture do you think won the prize? The King chose the second picture. Do you know why? "Because," explained the King, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace." ____________________________________________________

Today, August 11, in 
1860 The first successful silver mill in America began
operations. The mill was in Virginia City, NV. 

1874 A patent for the sprinkler head was given to Harry S.
Parmelee. 

1877 The two moons of Mars were discovered by Asaph Hall, an
American astronomer. He named them Phobos and Deimos. 

1896 Harvey Hubbell received a patent for the electric light
bulb socket with a pull-chain. 

1909 The American ship Arapahoe became the first to ever use
the SOS distress signal off the coast of Cape Hatteras, NC. 

1934 Alcatraz, in San Francisco Bay, received federal
prisoners for the first time. 

1941 The Atlantic Charter was signed by U.S. President
Franklin Roosevelt and British Prime Minister Winston
Churchill. 

1942 During World War II, Pierre Laval publicly announced
"the hour of liberation for France is the hour when Germany
wins the war." 

1945 The Allies informed Japan that they would determine
Emperor Hirohito's future status after Japan's surrender. 

1951 The first major league baseball game to be televised in
color was broadcast. The Brooklyn Dodgers defeated the Boston
Braves 8-1. 

1954 Seven years of fighting came to an end in Indochina. A
formal peace was in place for the French and the Communist
Vietminh. 

1962 Andrian Nikolayev, of the Soviet Union, was launched on
a 94-hour flight. He was the third Russian to go into space. 

1965 The U.S. conducted a second launch of "Surveyor-SD 2"
for a landing on the Moon surface test. 

1975 The U.S. vetoed the proposed admission of North and
South Vietnam to the United Nations. The Security Counsel had
already refused to consider South Korea's application. 

1984 U.S. President Ronald Reagan was preparing for his
weekly radio broadcast when, during testing of the
microphone, the President said of the Soviet Union, "My
fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I just signed
legislation that would outlaw Russia forever. We begin
bombing in five minutes." 

1990 Egyptian and Moroccan troops joined U.S. forces in
Saudia Arabia to help protect from a possible Iraqi attack. 

1991 The space shuttle Atlantis ended its nine-day journey by
landing safely. 

1992 In Bloomington, MN, the Mall of America opened. It was
the largest shopping mall in the United States. 

1994 A U.S. federal jury awarded $286.8 million to about
10,000 commercial fishermen for losses as a result of the
1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill. 

1995 All U.S. nuclear tests were banned by President Clinton.

1997 U.S. President Clinton made the first use of the line-
item veto approved by Congress, rejecting three items in
spending and tax bills. 

1998 British Petroleum became No. 3 among oil companies with
the $49 billion purchase of Amoco. It was the largest foreign
takeover of a U.S. company. 

2002 US Airways announced that it had filed for bankruptcy. 

2002 Jason Priestly crashed his car during practice for a
race in the Infiniti Pro Series. He suffered a spinal
fracture, a moderate concussion, a broken nose, facial
lacerations and broken bones in both feet. 

2003 Charles Taylor, President of Liberia, flew into exile
after ceding power to his vice president, Moses Blah. 

2003 In Kabul, NATO took command of the 5,000-strong
peacekeeping force in Afghanistan.

2017  smiled.


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